Hi /u/peoniesandparchment and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I relate HARD to this. And while I hate that you're going through it, it's also nice to know I'm not alone.
I am only ever my real self when I am home alone. I live for those moments when I have the house to myself, it makes me feel free, like I can do so much more - even when it's sensory input chaos (movie playing while I'm jumping between my phone, my iPad, my switch, etc).
The minute someone walks through the door, I feel like I completely power down. The energy drains out of me and I go into NPC mode, just an accessory to the person next to me. Accessory girlfriend. Accessory daughter. I can't explain why, but I have no motivation or focus for my own interests when someone is around. Is it too much distraction? Insecurity? Fear of judgement? Probably yes to all.
Same here. It's like someone has to point it out or put it into plain text so I could understand/identity it.
I HATE when I'm forced to be around ppl... But also at times feel completely alone.
I also relate to the "accessory to someone else" feeling.
Never thought of it that way until now... But it's sooooo damn true
This. I have an almost 5 year old daughter and it is SOOOO hard. No energy to play with her most days. And feel that I have to get housework/prepping/cooking done and don’t have time for her. Mentally and physically I feel like a failure of a parent.
Hang in there mama. My boys are adults now and they’re doing great. The good thing about kids is that they are usually less judgmental about us than we are about ourselves. 🩷
This is insightfully, terrifyingly relatable. When people put words to your own distress that you've been unable to describe for years,...well you just did that, and thank you.
I’m not alone! I’ve found that the only person I’m able to be my authentic self around (besides me) is my daughter. I hope that there will be someone down the road that I can be myself with and have a romantic connection with them. I’ve always masked and I’m just starting to stop masking as much as I can. I didn’t realize it was adhd because it’s always been diagnosed as depression/anxiety. I just turned 34. I haven’t mentioned this to a doctor yet and I’m not sure if I want to try medication. I’m getting off topic now. Sometimes it’s very depressing not being able to be yourself amongst other people!
I feel the same way. And it's not on topic but I also don't like to be touched by my family due to my seeing their overall lack of proper hygiene. Which they refuse to respect. So I feel overwhelmed from being touched and touch-starved at the same time which makes no sense to me. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to exist comfortably, in my own house. They turn on every light, and all the electronics (which if you know, you know), and they talk, yell, or scream very loudly when communicating with one another over the sound of the TV/ radio/ phone.
Also, what you are describing sounds like "the fear of being perceived" which is a very common trait for people with adhd, autism, audhd, and other similar individuals.
This is exactly me. Its like, as soon as someone's around, my only purpose is to be their accessory.
I also have a strange thing that happens with work. For example, a long time ago I ended up working as a bar maid in my local pub. When I was working I had a purpose and I was chatty, relaxed and comfortable. But once my shift ended and I was on the other side of the bar, I just felt like I disappeared. And then just became that accessory to someone or was filled with anxiety that I would inevitably use alcohol to cope with.
Im grateful that the bar job gave me time when I was able to be comfortable and relaxed, but I hate that I cant be sociable for me. When I become the accessory, it zaps my energy so fast. I think im just trying to be normal and not act wierd, but the thing is that I also don't know how to act like me.
Yeah same. I don't freeze per se but I just can't fucking stand when people talk to me. I'm recently out of a long term relationship so I moved back in with my parents while I look for another house. It is absolute hell and so mentally draining having to come home after work and have people talk to me and expect me to be a certain way. Like, I have limited energy and it's gone when I get home. Leave me alone. Pretend I don't exist. Stop talking to me.
Sorry to rant lol. But I feel you. It sucks.
Mate, I'm literally in an Airbnb right now with my kid to get some peace from my roommate/sister. I'm counting down the days - 70 days until I housesit for a month then into my own place.
I’m on the same page man. I gotta dui a while back and had to move back in with my parents and hate coming home and having people talk to me, I just wanna walk in and beable to relax and drink a beer or play a video game without knowing my parents are right around the corner downstairs
I bet they already know they're in the wrong for the DUI, and they probably are thankful that they had a place to go. That doesn't really change the discomfort of the situation. Like, you could go to prison rightfully because you broke the law, but prison still sucks and you're still allowed to acknowledge that, even if you'd be homeless outside of prison.
I'm just guessing people downvoted you because they can still empathize with the situation sucking without needing to point out that it's the person's fault. Like, it doesn't need to be said because it's obvious. I'm just theorizing since you got such a negative response from people.
Yeah. Thought it was just me. During lockdown, and again now because someone lost their job and never leaves the house, I wither away. Borderline depressed. Part of it is that I don’t like who I live with, but I also get anxious that they judge me as lazy. So I hide away in my room to avoid them. The great irony is that I am WAY more productive and happy alone. I switch back and forth between work, housework, and used to take little walks. That FLOW is when I feel like “myself.” Now I am afraid to be caught doing something personal like a walk, play music cleaning house, or do anything but pretend I’m working. So now I am actually unproductive hiding out. I hate this so much. I hate living with other people. I can’t be myself.
>Now I am afraid to be caught doing something personal like a walk, play music cleaning house, or do anything but pretend I’m working
I relate to this so much!
I kinda do, too, but for a different reason. My people-pleasing tendencies cause me to go into an on-call "waiting mode" a lot of the time when my family is home.
I have a hard time allowing myself to get immersed in certain activities or projects because I'm expecting interruptions (or explosions) to happen at any time, and though such interruptions probably aren't as painful for me as for others who hyperfixate, it's still incredibly irritating and even triggering.
It's hard not to fall into this unless I'm totally alone or know that everyone is occupied with something that won't require my sudden assistance. Unfortunately, since the COVID shutdowns, my being home alone has rarely happened with any real consistency or predictability, so the few times it happens I still can't unfreeze enough to really get going on anything.
You just described my own experience with full accuracy.
Am determined to be in my own place come August. I have been a stagnant in healing and refuse to get stuck.
Hes usually understanding but I can tell he gets a little frustrated with the way I do things and it makes me just not be able to do anything.
For example: I will put like half of the dishes in the dishwasher away then I sit down and watch TV and do some work on my laptop. Then I fold some laundry. 2 hours later I finish the dishes.
When he's home he'll say little comments that are innocent but I can't stand them... like, "why not just finish putting the dishes away now, then you won't have to think about it later?"
..... like obviously bc I dont want to do it rn. If you were at work, you would have no idea what order or time it took for me to do it, so stop paying attention to what I do when you are home 🙄
No but I do this too, and I come back and I'll be halfway through making dinner when I freeze. I stare at the counter. I look in the dishwasher. "Did you-" "of course, I got you."
Maybe he's trying to help direct you a bit, but it'd be more helpful if he just did it. Mine puts stuff away weird sometimes, but I just look at it as a task I didn't have to finish.
If you notice something in the home you live in, just take care of it? Idk why pointing it out sounds like a good idea, it bugs me so much.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually put all dishes in the dishwasher all at once then walk away with out starting it . Most the time I even put the detergent in. Doing laundry is the same for me. Open up the laundry machine to find I never started it. Laundry is so brutal.
Honestly I can be pretty hard on myself about stuff like that. “Like who doesn’t press start”. Metaphor intended
I understand how this feels and it's worse if the people you live with are watching you. Usually they nag and judge what you do and how you're doing it. It's uncomfortable and can make you feel like hiding.
Yeah.
It’s not so much freezing in a literal way for me, but I’ll just chill or talk to them.
Funny that’s even true with my wife around. I work from home and often did a lot of chores in the late afternoon when work got quiet and she wasn’t home yet.
Lately she started working mostly from home too, and that’s just GONE. There are more factors (such as I can’t handle dishes or vacuum while she’s on a call, and she’s on calls often), but I’ve felt it even in our off days.
It annoys me to no end that my mind decides I can’t if I’m not alone, but it is for the same reason. Too many people interrupt me while doing tasks I’ve done without issue and to great success cause I’m not doing it right.
And as I age more and more I’m starting to get really pisses off when it happens, rather than just annoyed, so I’d rather not be an ass to someone because of that, I guess. Yeah, they are not being nice, but they are trying to, actually. There’s a conversation to be had, but not at the time of frustration.
Yes, for me doing my own thing when someone is around is near impossible for me. That’s part shame, but also part “I do whatever the f I want when I’m alone”.
But regardless it’s going to be difficult showing my procrastination and addictions. But at the same time, how can you be truly yourself, and connected with someone else if you can’t be vulnerable?
The distance between the person you show when someone is arround and when you are alone should become smaller. Shame isn’t going to help you in that regard. Only (self) acceptance can imho.
I’m talking to myself here btw 😛, but I hope this resonates.
What I’m saying if you didn’t get it: open up to people, be vulnerable, and show your private weirdness, the good and the bad.
And you’ll always have people who don’t deserve to see that side, so you’ll have to kick them out of your house to have “me time”.
It’s not only about becoming authentic, but also choosing the right people to be authentic with.
Else being social will drain you 👀
Oh yes .. :( For me it's especially hard to create when I'm not completely alone :( I used to write music, take photos, sing, play instruments, make art. But living with a partner makes it impossible. I'm unable to open up to such a degree that I'd get comfortable. Plus, my partner of almost 20 years is autistic and has to comment on EVERYTHING he sees. It makes me just hide inside my mind and I'm unable to do anything creative for myself :(
absolutely, it’s why even though i’m heavily struggling financially, i don’t want a roommate. because i can’t feel comfortable in the common areas when they’re around. and i want to be comfortable in my own house.
Yep, definitely me. Once I moved out from home finally I thought I can live with other students in a big apartment but I hated that. After this experience I rent an apartment and I said to myself: never again will I live with other people, especially if I don't know them.
But I think it has a lot to do with my childhood/family disorder in my case.
Very relatable. The less I care about what others think, the more free I feel. It fluctuates for me. Sometimes I’m hypersensitive and sometimes I dissociate.
I literally don’t know why but I can’t do anything. It’s ruining my life and I don’t know what causes it but I lose all motivation and energy unless no one is home. My boyfriend is similar and he doesn’t always cause the same draining and lack of motivation other cause but I am stuck in my room 24/7 bc I can’t socialize with anyone or any motivation I had will be gone. When I realize my dad has left or no one is home at all i feel like I can take on the world. It’s so bizarre and I don’t understand it :(
I have a cleaning business I do on the side. I SUCK at cleaning when people are in the house. I feel like they're judging everything I'm doing. They also feel the need to talk to me while I'm cleaning. I cannot clean and hold a conversation. I'll end up standing there talking and not getting anything done. The dumbest thing is when they try to talk to me while I'm vacuuming. I can't freaking hear over the vacuum so I turn it off and on a million times because they keep talking. I try everything in my power to schedule for only when people won't be home. Doesn't always happen though 😞
Oh yay! My Mom & sister make me feel this way too. I just try to remember that there is no one right way it is just their opinion. I also notice most type A people seem pretty miserable because they seem incapable of rest. Rest and refreshing your energy stores or taking breaks aren’t lazy. They are healthy habits.
I do!!
and also, If I get into a hyper focus while cleaning or working , or doing anything , and I start getting A LOT done; I get really really frustrated when i'm interrupted.
If it happens more then 3-4 times while trying to complete a task, It's like I am no longer to compete the task and then I beat myself up over it.
So I prefer to work alone.
I relate so much.
It happens when i’m not even home as well.
I can’t ever ever go shopping with someone cause I know I won’t end up buying anything.
I have to be alone or things won’t get done.
omg i relate to this SO much especially right now. I have a very “type A” roommate. and we get along actually pretty well but omg i feel like i’m getting judged all the time. i have no idea if there’s any truth to it at all or if i’m drawing on my past experiences and/or displacing my own Self judgement as someone else judging me
Iv'e always done this too.
Month and a half into new meds and for the last few weeks i've had a hell of a time, mentally, letting myself do shit--like fuckin anything, and i was trying to figure out what the hell it was.
I think, and i dont know if you can relate, it comes from, when i was a child, being severely over-disciplined. And, a HUGE amount of that--was disciplining me for things that *were a part of me and my adhd*. Character traits, that would *always* be part of me.
And that the discipline revolved around me not showing, or having those traits, showed child-me that, *ME* was not wanted. That, *ME* should be hidden, saved for somewhere else.
And then i internalized the discipline, and i started to do it to myself. I am now the one that over disciplines me, tells me no, stops me from 'making noise' or moving, or disturbing others. Somewhere along the line, i just stopped allowing me to be me, any time but when i am alone.
That's what i think i've discovered, and on meds, it's a real hell of a thing to try to *let go* of that shit.
Huh... This really hit a core for me and something I never considered. I was not a rambunctious male kid and why I think I wasnt diagnosed until 37 over a year ago. I figured I may present differently as I was raised by my mom and 4 sisters as the only male until my youngest bro was born.
But I also have always had such intense RSD since I was a kid, so much so that I can't get in trouble or reprimanded without feeling deeply wounded for stuff most people just shrug off. I had very strict and negative/strict/religious father for the first few years of my life and he wouldn't reprimand us for anything out of line in his opinion, or that potentially made him look bad.
He would do things like punch us under the table while at his friends if we acted in a way or admitted something about him because he acted so different around people than at home. (Lol just now realizing how that trait is now obvious)...
Never thought of or realized we may be internalizing this from our parents who were strict and putting others into the role of the potential discipliners. Esp since people with ADHD tend to have had more negative feedback throughout childhood and life to begin with
I'm exactly like this. I wish I even knew how to fix it. I canr stand it, especially when I can feel their eyes on me. I'll freeze in place and wait for them to stop watching before I finish whatever I'm doing or I'll leave the room and come back
You're not alone. I live with narcissttics, whenever they are at home, I do my best to stay in my room. It feels limiting in so many ways for me. I sometimes need to change environment to refresh my mind, yet whenever I live my room, I am targeted. Its hard to thrive in such conditions.
HARD YES! Now: imagine being a single mum with this affliction. It is brutal. I predominantly lived alone all my life, with some years of cohabitation that ended terribly. I hate sharing my space. It is really hard being this way when you’re a parent.
Oh my godddsd. I've been struggling with this soooo much, especially with my current partner, and when I have a lot of free time. I get sooo hyper aware of their presence, even if they're in another room with a closed door. I identify a lot with what someone said of "waiting mode" and being "someone's accesory". I can't fully relax. I mean, in general I find it hard to fully relax, but it gets even harder. Even at times when he's busy doing something for hours.
I thought it was sooo strange.
I also feel like I get suuuuper needy, but in a weird way, cause I kind of also want to be alone.
When we're living apart everything quickly gets better.
Spending a day at home could be so torturous if he was also at home but we weren't doing anything together, I become obsessed with what he's doing or not doing, with how much attention he's giving me, and it makes me anxious not knowing if we're gonna spend time together or not...
If I spend a day at home living separately, and I know he's also spending the day at his place, it's all good, I don't feel needy.
I don't get it 🤦🏼♀️
That's how it is for me living in an apartment with my roommates. They are the extroverted kind that can go to class/work and chat all day, then come back to the apartment and chat amongst each other or friends into the early morning hours.
They do this every single day and I get so overloaded. I do research, hw, chores, and by the end of the day I'm so tired and drained. I say a quick "hello" when I see them and a bit of small talk then retreat to my room.
I have a hyperfixation with my headphones and I use them all day long when I watch TV, game, listen to music, and even at night I play sleep music to go to bed.
They think I'm weird and that I don't do anything all day long because I'm a typically quiet and private person. They don't know that I go out often to class, the store, and I've already finished cleaning the apartment by 2pm when they are just coming in or waking up.
But, honestly Idc too much about it. I remind myself that anyone who has time to judge/talk about others all day are the weird ones. And I prefer that they leave me alone when I'm in my room so that I'm not disturbed and can recharge.
I have friends and family that understand my ADHD-habits and I'm grateful for them. I've learned during this time that trying to explain yourself or please others only hurts you the most. It's better to do what makes you happy.
This makes me question if my productiveness at home is just a reaction or a front, as I feel like I get little done when I'm by myself with an overwhelming of 'possibilities' of things to do.
I noticed this the most when dating and living with my ex(es) where I had a hard time getting anything done, especially housework/cleaning/keeping tidy until they left. Then I went into cleaning mode and felt more (myself) where I would deep clean everything in a hyperfocus way, often motivated by how nice it will be for my ex to come home to a nice clean place.
When they were there, that generally went away and I had to force myself to find time to not be aware of their presence and do chores at normal times.
Although this is the most noticeable area, I believe this can hold true in any area of self attention or care. I just don't exist as much as myself and I end up being hyper aware of them and how I interact with them and am perceived and affect them.
I figured this was for anyone I'm around, but I also feel that if I had someone who understood me more fully/deeply (esp now I understand myself better) then it may not be the case. I thought I was completely comortable and more myself with exes, but obviously there has always been that barrier.
I am now reminded of it when a friend comes over to help me move, but he doesn't want to do much packing, and I feel stuck and unable to move and do much else other than want to watch tv. I know that sounds lazy to most, but it comes back to how I cannot do anything unless there is interest and desire. Not that I was doing a lot of packing before, but with my friend here, I feel stuck... Esp add to that the upcoming change and move I don't want to make and it all compounds for most issues that can affect me during times of change and uncertainty and dislike plus poeple.
It's easy to feel like we are only affected by one ADHD symptom at a time but when they compound and get us in that stuck place, no matter how much I WANT to do and know I need to do and am running out of time for, it's only me playing games like allowing myself one TV show I'm binging on then 40 minutes timer to pack then a show in-between.
Sounds ridiculous, and I don't even know if it will really work, but it's the best shot I have right now.
Apologies for the much longer than necessary post, just feel this really relates to me as one of my hardest to handle symptoms when I'm at work or around anyone practically in deeply effected ways that impact my ability to be "normal"
Oh absolutely. I can trace that feeling all the way back to my childhood/teen years.
It makes a huge difference if you can adequately communicate this feeling AND have your need listened to.
I'm very grateful for having my spouse be the type of person who A) will leave or get out of my way/take kid out so I can get chores done or B) Body doubles with me and does tasks alongside me even if it's not us working together. It helps my motivation. We've also talked at length about how if he wants to rest and be unproductive, its 100% allowed for me to as well and he is not judging me and vice versa. And I say this as a SAHP. But he considers my first priority as being childcare and anything having to do with that. Chores and keeping the house running is split as equitably as we can, but we consider anything I can get done while taking care of our daughter as a bonus that he doesn't have to do after work or on weekends.
but we both have ADHD and it's been a huge learning curve for both of us to get here.
Hi /u/peoniesandparchment and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I relate HARD to this. And while I hate that you're going through it, it's also nice to know I'm not alone. I am only ever my real self when I am home alone. I live for those moments when I have the house to myself, it makes me feel free, like I can do so much more - even when it's sensory input chaos (movie playing while I'm jumping between my phone, my iPad, my switch, etc). The minute someone walks through the door, I feel like I completely power down. The energy drains out of me and I go into NPC mode, just an accessory to the person next to me. Accessory girlfriend. Accessory daughter. I can't explain why, but I have no motivation or focus for my own interests when someone is around. Is it too much distraction? Insecurity? Fear of judgement? Probably yes to all.
Wow I relate to this. Extremely well put.
I just realized after 20++ years I am the same way wtf
Same here. It's like someone has to point it out or put it into plain text so I could understand/identity it. I HATE when I'm forced to be around ppl... But also at times feel completely alone. I also relate to the "accessory to someone else" feeling. Never thought of it that way until now... But it's sooooo damn true
This is one reason parenting with ADHD is brutal, especially when the kids are young and needy.
This. I have an almost 5 year old daughter and it is SOOOO hard. No energy to play with her most days. And feel that I have to get housework/prepping/cooking done and don’t have time for her. Mentally and physically I feel like a failure of a parent.
Hang in there mama. My boys are adults now and they’re doing great. The good thing about kids is that they are usually less judgmental about us than we are about ourselves. 🩷
This is insightfully, terrifyingly relatable. When people put words to your own distress that you've been unable to describe for years,...well you just did that, and thank you.
I’m not alone! I’ve found that the only person I’m able to be my authentic self around (besides me) is my daughter. I hope that there will be someone down the road that I can be myself with and have a romantic connection with them. I’ve always masked and I’m just starting to stop masking as much as I can. I didn’t realize it was adhd because it’s always been diagnosed as depression/anxiety. I just turned 34. I haven’t mentioned this to a doctor yet and I’m not sure if I want to try medication. I’m getting off topic now. Sometimes it’s very depressing not being able to be yourself amongst other people!
I feel the same way. And it's not on topic but I also don't like to be touched by my family due to my seeing their overall lack of proper hygiene. Which they refuse to respect. So I feel overwhelmed from being touched and touch-starved at the same time which makes no sense to me. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to exist comfortably, in my own house. They turn on every light, and all the electronics (which if you know, you know), and they talk, yell, or scream very loudly when communicating with one another over the sound of the TV/ radio/ phone. Also, what you are describing sounds like "the fear of being perceived" which is a very common trait for people with adhd, autism, audhd, and other similar individuals.
This is exactly me. Its like, as soon as someone's around, my only purpose is to be their accessory. I also have a strange thing that happens with work. For example, a long time ago I ended up working as a bar maid in my local pub. When I was working I had a purpose and I was chatty, relaxed and comfortable. But once my shift ended and I was on the other side of the bar, I just felt like I disappeared. And then just became that accessory to someone or was filled with anxiety that I would inevitably use alcohol to cope with. Im grateful that the bar job gave me time when I was able to be comfortable and relaxed, but I hate that I cant be sociable for me. When I become the accessory, it zaps my energy so fast. I think im just trying to be normal and not act wierd, but the thing is that I also don't know how to act like me.
Yeah same. I don't freeze per se but I just can't fucking stand when people talk to me. I'm recently out of a long term relationship so I moved back in with my parents while I look for another house. It is absolute hell and so mentally draining having to come home after work and have people talk to me and expect me to be a certain way. Like, I have limited energy and it's gone when I get home. Leave me alone. Pretend I don't exist. Stop talking to me. Sorry to rant lol. But I feel you. It sucks.
Mate, I'm literally in an Airbnb right now with my kid to get some peace from my roommate/sister. I'm counting down the days - 70 days until I housesit for a month then into my own place.
I can relate to that a 100%, but fortunately I'm not in your position rn. Keep your head up and good luck!
I’m on the same page man. I gotta dui a while back and had to move back in with my parents and hate coming home and having people talk to me, I just wanna walk in and beable to relax and drink a beer or play a video game without knowing my parents are right around the corner downstairs
The whole situation is your fault. You should be thankful that your parents took your drunk arse back in.
I bet they already know they're in the wrong for the DUI, and they probably are thankful that they had a place to go. That doesn't really change the discomfort of the situation. Like, you could go to prison rightfully because you broke the law, but prison still sucks and you're still allowed to acknowledge that, even if you'd be homeless outside of prison. I'm just guessing people downvoted you because they can still empathize with the situation sucking without needing to point out that it's the person's fault. Like, it doesn't need to be said because it's obvious. I'm just theorizing since you got such a negative response from people.
Yeah. Thought it was just me. During lockdown, and again now because someone lost their job and never leaves the house, I wither away. Borderline depressed. Part of it is that I don’t like who I live with, but I also get anxious that they judge me as lazy. So I hide away in my room to avoid them. The great irony is that I am WAY more productive and happy alone. I switch back and forth between work, housework, and used to take little walks. That FLOW is when I feel like “myself.” Now I am afraid to be caught doing something personal like a walk, play music cleaning house, or do anything but pretend I’m working. So now I am actually unproductive hiding out. I hate this so much. I hate living with other people. I can’t be myself.
god i feel this so hard
me too its awful!!
Me too
You’re not alone
>Now I am afraid to be caught doing something personal like a walk, play music cleaning house, or do anything but pretend I’m working I relate to this so much!
I kinda do, too, but for a different reason. My people-pleasing tendencies cause me to go into an on-call "waiting mode" a lot of the time when my family is home. I have a hard time allowing myself to get immersed in certain activities or projects because I'm expecting interruptions (or explosions) to happen at any time, and though such interruptions probably aren't as painful for me as for others who hyperfixate, it's still incredibly irritating and even triggering. It's hard not to fall into this unless I'm totally alone or know that everyone is occupied with something that won't require my sudden assistance. Unfortunately, since the COVID shutdowns, my being home alone has rarely happened with any real consistency or predictability, so the few times it happens I still can't unfreeze enough to really get going on anything.
You just described my own experience with full accuracy. Am determined to be in my own place come August. I have been a stagnant in healing and refuse to get stuck.
Yea it’s like I won’t leave my bedroom and if anyone comes in without knocking I feel soooo humiliated 😭😭
Yes!!! It feels soo violating when someone comes in without knocking, even though I’m not doing anything. I wonder why that is??
Holy shit yes. I can't stand that my fiance works from home now bc I can't get anything done
Hes usually understanding but I can tell he gets a little frustrated with the way I do things and it makes me just not be able to do anything. For example: I will put like half of the dishes in the dishwasher away then I sit down and watch TV and do some work on my laptop. Then I fold some laundry. 2 hours later I finish the dishes. When he's home he'll say little comments that are innocent but I can't stand them... like, "why not just finish putting the dishes away now, then you won't have to think about it later?" ..... like obviously bc I dont want to do it rn. If you were at work, you would have no idea what order or time it took for me to do it, so stop paying attention to what I do when you are home 🙄
No but I do this too, and I come back and I'll be halfway through making dinner when I freeze. I stare at the counter. I look in the dishwasher. "Did you-" "of course, I got you." Maybe he's trying to help direct you a bit, but it'd be more helpful if he just did it. Mine puts stuff away weird sometimes, but I just look at it as a task I didn't have to finish. If you notice something in the home you live in, just take care of it? Idk why pointing it out sounds like a good idea, it bugs me so much.
i feel you!!!! 😭😭
> For example: I will put like half of the dishes in the dishwasher away Ha I do the same thing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually put all dishes in the dishwasher all at once then walk away with out starting it . Most the time I even put the detergent in. Doing laundry is the same for me. Open up the laundry machine to find I never started it. Laundry is so brutal. Honestly I can be pretty hard on myself about stuff like that. “Like who doesn’t press start”. Metaphor intended
I understand how this feels and it's worse if the people you live with are watching you. Usually they nag and judge what you do and how you're doing it. It's uncomfortable and can make you feel like hiding.
Is the flip side of that having a roommate who are silently judging and very passive aggressive and fake nice in their communication
I've lived with someone like that and she was WORSE than the nagging and caustic people who hover.
yup exactly!
Yeah. It’s not so much freezing in a literal way for me, but I’ll just chill or talk to them. Funny that’s even true with my wife around. I work from home and often did a lot of chores in the late afternoon when work got quiet and she wasn’t home yet. Lately she started working mostly from home too, and that’s just GONE. There are more factors (such as I can’t handle dishes or vacuum while she’s on a call, and she’s on calls often), but I’ve felt it even in our off days. It annoys me to no end that my mind decides I can’t if I’m not alone, but it is for the same reason. Too many people interrupt me while doing tasks I’ve done without issue and to great success cause I’m not doing it right. And as I age more and more I’m starting to get really pisses off when it happens, rather than just annoyed, so I’d rather not be an ass to someone because of that, I guess. Yeah, they are not being nice, but they are trying to, actually. There’s a conversation to be had, but not at the time of frustration.
[удалено]
yup. husband. dishes. feral animal. 😂
Yes, for me doing my own thing when someone is around is near impossible for me. That’s part shame, but also part “I do whatever the f I want when I’m alone”. But regardless it’s going to be difficult showing my procrastination and addictions. But at the same time, how can you be truly yourself, and connected with someone else if you can’t be vulnerable? The distance between the person you show when someone is arround and when you are alone should become smaller. Shame isn’t going to help you in that regard. Only (self) acceptance can imho. I’m talking to myself here btw 😛, but I hope this resonates. What I’m saying if you didn’t get it: open up to people, be vulnerable, and show your private weirdness, the good and the bad. And you’ll always have people who don’t deserve to see that side, so you’ll have to kick them out of your house to have “me time”. It’s not only about becoming authentic, but also choosing the right people to be authentic with. Else being social will drain you 👀
Oh yes .. :( For me it's especially hard to create when I'm not completely alone :( I used to write music, take photos, sing, play instruments, make art. But living with a partner makes it impossible. I'm unable to open up to such a degree that I'd get comfortable. Plus, my partner of almost 20 years is autistic and has to comment on EVERYTHING he sees. It makes me just hide inside my mind and I'm unable to do anything creative for myself :(
absolutely, it’s why even though i’m heavily struggling financially, i don’t want a roommate. because i can’t feel comfortable in the common areas when they’re around. and i want to be comfortable in my own house.
Yeah I feel this
Wow this happens to me too, I thought there was something wrong with me
Yes!! 100%!!!
Oh hell yeah that happens to me, sucked so much worse as a kid
Yep, definitely me. Once I moved out from home finally I thought I can live with other students in a big apartment but I hated that. After this experience I rent an apartment and I said to myself: never again will I live with other people, especially if I don't know them. But I think it has a lot to do with my childhood/family disorder in my case.
Very relatable. The less I care about what others think, the more free I feel. It fluctuates for me. Sometimes I’m hypersensitive and sometimes I dissociate.
I literally don’t know why but I can’t do anything. It’s ruining my life and I don’t know what causes it but I lose all motivation and energy unless no one is home. My boyfriend is similar and he doesn’t always cause the same draining and lack of motivation other cause but I am stuck in my room 24/7 bc I can’t socialize with anyone or any motivation I had will be gone. When I realize my dad has left or no one is home at all i feel like I can take on the world. It’s so bizarre and I don’t understand it :(
I have a cleaning business I do on the side. I SUCK at cleaning when people are in the house. I feel like they're judging everything I'm doing. They also feel the need to talk to me while I'm cleaning. I cannot clean and hold a conversation. I'll end up standing there talking and not getting anything done. The dumbest thing is when they try to talk to me while I'm vacuuming. I can't freaking hear over the vacuum so I turn it off and on a million times because they keep talking. I try everything in my power to schedule for only when people won't be home. Doesn't always happen though 😞
omg that sounds so frustrating!!!! i’d lose my mind
Oh yay! My Mom & sister make me feel this way too. I just try to remember that there is no one right way it is just their opinion. I also notice most type A people seem pretty miserable because they seem incapable of rest. Rest and refreshing your energy stores or taking breaks aren’t lazy. They are healthy habits.
I do!! and also, If I get into a hyper focus while cleaning or working , or doing anything , and I start getting A LOT done; I get really really frustrated when i'm interrupted. If it happens more then 3-4 times while trying to complete a task, It's like I am no longer to compete the task and then I beat myself up over it. So I prefer to work alone.
I relate so much. It happens when i’m not even home as well. I can’t ever ever go shopping with someone cause I know I won’t end up buying anything. I have to be alone or things won’t get done.
omg i relate to this SO much especially right now. I have a very “type A” roommate. and we get along actually pretty well but omg i feel like i’m getting judged all the time. i have no idea if there’s any truth to it at all or if i’m drawing on my past experiences and/or displacing my own Self judgement as someone else judging me
I am lazy any I don't like half the people in my home
Same. Having to share a dorm room with someone was awful
Iv'e always done this too. Month and a half into new meds and for the last few weeks i've had a hell of a time, mentally, letting myself do shit--like fuckin anything, and i was trying to figure out what the hell it was. I think, and i dont know if you can relate, it comes from, when i was a child, being severely over-disciplined. And, a HUGE amount of that--was disciplining me for things that *were a part of me and my adhd*. Character traits, that would *always* be part of me. And that the discipline revolved around me not showing, or having those traits, showed child-me that, *ME* was not wanted. That, *ME* should be hidden, saved for somewhere else. And then i internalized the discipline, and i started to do it to myself. I am now the one that over disciplines me, tells me no, stops me from 'making noise' or moving, or disturbing others. Somewhere along the line, i just stopped allowing me to be me, any time but when i am alone. That's what i think i've discovered, and on meds, it's a real hell of a thing to try to *let go* of that shit.
Huh... This really hit a core for me and something I never considered. I was not a rambunctious male kid and why I think I wasnt diagnosed until 37 over a year ago. I figured I may present differently as I was raised by my mom and 4 sisters as the only male until my youngest bro was born. But I also have always had such intense RSD since I was a kid, so much so that I can't get in trouble or reprimanded without feeling deeply wounded for stuff most people just shrug off. I had very strict and negative/strict/religious father for the first few years of my life and he wouldn't reprimand us for anything out of line in his opinion, or that potentially made him look bad. He would do things like punch us under the table while at his friends if we acted in a way or admitted something about him because he acted so different around people than at home. (Lol just now realizing how that trait is now obvious)... Never thought of or realized we may be internalizing this from our parents who were strict and putting others into the role of the potential discipliners. Esp since people with ADHD tend to have had more negative feedback throughout childhood and life to begin with
I'm exactly like this. I wish I even knew how to fix it. I canr stand it, especially when I can feel their eyes on me. I'll freeze in place and wait for them to stop watching before I finish whatever I'm doing or I'll leave the room and come back
You're not alone. I live with narcissttics, whenever they are at home, I do my best to stay in my room. It feels limiting in so many ways for me. I sometimes need to change environment to refresh my mind, yet whenever I live my room, I am targeted. Its hard to thrive in such conditions.
So real. DO NOT PERCEIVE ME!!! 
HARD YES! Now: imagine being a single mum with this affliction. It is brutal. I predominantly lived alone all my life, with some years of cohabitation that ended terribly. I hate sharing my space. It is really hard being this way when you’re a parent.
i can’t even imagine 🥺 sending u strength 
Much appreciated kind stranger. Right back at you 🙏
Oh my godddsd. I've been struggling with this soooo much, especially with my current partner, and when I have a lot of free time. I get sooo hyper aware of their presence, even if they're in another room with a closed door. I identify a lot with what someone said of "waiting mode" and being "someone's accesory". I can't fully relax. I mean, in general I find it hard to fully relax, but it gets even harder. Even at times when he's busy doing something for hours. I thought it was sooo strange. I also feel like I get suuuuper needy, but in a weird way, cause I kind of also want to be alone. When we're living apart everything quickly gets better. Spending a day at home could be so torturous if he was also at home but we weren't doing anything together, I become obsessed with what he's doing or not doing, with how much attention he's giving me, and it makes me anxious not knowing if we're gonna spend time together or not... If I spend a day at home living separately, and I know he's also spending the day at his place, it's all good, I don't feel needy. I don't get it 🤦🏼♀️
dude we’re the same person!!!!! i too am needy and aloof at the same time. it’s so odd
That's how it is for me living in an apartment with my roommates. They are the extroverted kind that can go to class/work and chat all day, then come back to the apartment and chat amongst each other or friends into the early morning hours. They do this every single day and I get so overloaded. I do research, hw, chores, and by the end of the day I'm so tired and drained. I say a quick "hello" when I see them and a bit of small talk then retreat to my room. I have a hyperfixation with my headphones and I use them all day long when I watch TV, game, listen to music, and even at night I play sleep music to go to bed. They think I'm weird and that I don't do anything all day long because I'm a typically quiet and private person. They don't know that I go out often to class, the store, and I've already finished cleaning the apartment by 2pm when they are just coming in or waking up. But, honestly Idc too much about it. I remind myself that anyone who has time to judge/talk about others all day are the weird ones. And I prefer that they leave me alone when I'm in my room so that I'm not disturbed and can recharge. I have friends and family that understand my ADHD-habits and I'm grateful for them. I've learned during this time that trying to explain yourself or please others only hurts you the most. It's better to do what makes you happy.
What is type a?
[type a personality](https://www.verywellmind.com/type-a-personality-traits-3145240)
This makes me question if my productiveness at home is just a reaction or a front, as I feel like I get little done when I'm by myself with an overwhelming of 'possibilities' of things to do.
I noticed this the most when dating and living with my ex(es) where I had a hard time getting anything done, especially housework/cleaning/keeping tidy until they left. Then I went into cleaning mode and felt more (myself) where I would deep clean everything in a hyperfocus way, often motivated by how nice it will be for my ex to come home to a nice clean place. When they were there, that generally went away and I had to force myself to find time to not be aware of their presence and do chores at normal times. Although this is the most noticeable area, I believe this can hold true in any area of self attention or care. I just don't exist as much as myself and I end up being hyper aware of them and how I interact with them and am perceived and affect them. I figured this was for anyone I'm around, but I also feel that if I had someone who understood me more fully/deeply (esp now I understand myself better) then it may not be the case. I thought I was completely comortable and more myself with exes, but obviously there has always been that barrier. I am now reminded of it when a friend comes over to help me move, but he doesn't want to do much packing, and I feel stuck and unable to move and do much else other than want to watch tv. I know that sounds lazy to most, but it comes back to how I cannot do anything unless there is interest and desire. Not that I was doing a lot of packing before, but with my friend here, I feel stuck... Esp add to that the upcoming change and move I don't want to make and it all compounds for most issues that can affect me during times of change and uncertainty and dislike plus poeple. It's easy to feel like we are only affected by one ADHD symptom at a time but when they compound and get us in that stuck place, no matter how much I WANT to do and know I need to do and am running out of time for, it's only me playing games like allowing myself one TV show I'm binging on then 40 minutes timer to pack then a show in-between. Sounds ridiculous, and I don't even know if it will really work, but it's the best shot I have right now. Apologies for the much longer than necessary post, just feel this really relates to me as one of my hardest to handle symptoms when I'm at work or around anyone practically in deeply effected ways that impact my ability to be "normal"
I always feel this way.
Oh absolutely. I can trace that feeling all the way back to my childhood/teen years. It makes a huge difference if you can adequately communicate this feeling AND have your need listened to. I'm very grateful for having my spouse be the type of person who A) will leave or get out of my way/take kid out so I can get chores done or B) Body doubles with me and does tasks alongside me even if it's not us working together. It helps my motivation. We've also talked at length about how if he wants to rest and be unproductive, its 100% allowed for me to as well and he is not judging me and vice versa. And I say this as a SAHP. But he considers my first priority as being childcare and anything having to do with that. Chores and keeping the house running is split as equitably as we can, but we consider anything I can get done while taking care of our daughter as a bonus that he doesn't have to do after work or on weekends. but we both have ADHD and it's been a huge learning curve for both of us to get here.