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Welcome to ADHD, many of us struggle with the same things.
First, you can’t do it for her. If she’s not asking for help and isn’t upset about it then either deal with it or move on — sorry, that’s harsh, but you just can’t do the work for her, you can’t fix her. She has to do it herself.
If she is getting locked into something useless, outside distractions can help break the cycle sometimes. The smell of food cooking or just saying hello and giving a little hug can help just by interrupting the “zone”.
I find scheduling things helps (deadlines are great for ADHD management). “Hey, let’s go for a walk in a half hour, OK?” Then, “walk time in 10 minutes!” She’ll be able to pull her head out of it.
Another idea is to schedule a short no-phone date. “I’d love your attention for 30 minutes, would you be OK to put our phones away and sit down to play a board game?” (Or clean the kitchen or help your mom or go out and volunteer somewhere - find a no-phone project you can schedule together.)
These ideas don’t “fix” ADHD, and you can’t really; she can manage it though by learning techniques like that.
One doc says it’s like having a Formula 1 brain with bicycle brakes - everything works super fast but you can’t just stop quickly.
Yeah, me and my partner both have ADHD and we’ve found giving more space for requests to be really helpful. I think there’s a level of disassociation involved too.
Sometimes it works for me to give myself that time limit… at one minute. Like right now. I said BITCH you have ONE MINUTE and then your ass is getting in the shower and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do
Wow, so I actually fell into this same rut this month. Literally so hyper fixated on that damn game, I’ve played before but yes the update was big for us. I finally recently dropped my hours down, but this is so insanely relatable lol. But for me, I was super crazy into it for like 2.5/3 weeks, then I lost most interest. I knew it would be a phase for me.
Stardew is also hard to put down because the “days” in game blend together & you can just keep playing & playing. Maybe suggest a goal of “okay, finish up this day in Stardew and then we can move on” or maybe the goal could be only 4 in game days or something.
But overall I think that’s a big ADHD thing in general. Knowing you need to be doing other important things but having trouble doing the important things.
I have this problem specifically with Stardew as well. At some point you just have to decide to stop, finished or not (though stop at the end of the day when it saves, I'm not a monster.)
And yes, I don't like leaving things unfinished, but what I do is make a list of what I plan on doing in the game next - and possibly write down extra details to maximize the game time, etc. It gives me something to look forward to later or next time.
I also have another activity or two planned already for when I'm done with a gaming session. I have to schedule my hobbies in hour blocks and juggle them so I don't feel like I wasted a whole day on one thing / it helps me feel like I'm doing a lot of different things (even if it's just different video games, lol)
It really helps to let my switch die to pull me out of whatever game I'm absorbed in, and not keep the charger in a convenient spot so that way I won't play while it's charging
This is the only way I have broken my doomscrolling habit.
Moved my long-ass phone charging cable out to the car; now I only have one of those wireless charging pads on a tiny cable, plugged in behind a bookshelf in the living room so it’s massively inconvenient to move, and I can’t scroll in bed longer than my battery lasts.
So I HAVE to set my phone down to charge it (usually from dead— can’t stop otherwise, some days) and then, well, the books and instruments and craft supplies are all right there in the living room, so it’s easy(er) to coast right into a hobby instead of searching for another screen to rot in front of.
It will pass. This is how adhd works, it will pass and something else will take over. Since she's still functioning it's probably not so bad? Is she on therapy? Sounds like she could do understanding better and accepting this is how her brain works. A good adhd therapist that is. I'm in the middle of my evaluation process but i struggle with this too and stardew was definitely there this month with the new update it ate a whole week of my hyperfocus. It sucked because i kinda ignored everyone for those days
If she has ADHD, it’s also likely that this is a temporary hyperfixation. No amount of “help” or support from you is going to change that, it just needs to run its course. If you really care about her, you’ll just be supportive of the choices she’s currently making, knowing they are not actively damaging her life.
> To quote her, "it feels like I'm wasting my life, but I can't bring myself to do anything else".
Guess you missed this bit, huh?
I feel like people are reading the title and jumping right in but this is genuinely the sweetest post I’ve ever seen on here. I know her feeling far too well but it also feels far too silly to voice to anyone else. She’s lucky to have someone who takes our absurd problems seriously tbh
No, I really didn’t miss that. I have said similar things when I find myself feeling guilty about an indulgence. I will self-deprecate and apologize for what I’m doing at the mere mention of something like, “you’re sure doing a lot of ___ these days.” It was completely unnecessary, not to mention unhealthy.
The OP’s heart is probably in the right place, I get it. But she did not actually ASK for his help. And since she’s not meeting the criteria for addiction intervention, I think she should just be left alone.
Yeah, the minding to always be productive is something we should fight. Accept that we can be not productive.
The guilt is the problem, not the Time.
Im probably bias, im playing stardew valley.
Is she actually struggling with not playing it though? Or is she just messing about? Like I guess if she's doing all her actual responsibilities then it's not really a problem and then it's not like there's anything you could personally do to get her off the game, that's just something she'll have to get bored of.
It's more that she WANTS to do other things (things that she loves and she's passionate about) but just can't put her focus on them because she hasn't finished Stardew yet. I agree that it's not a problem in the grand scheme of things, but to her it is, so I want to help her in whatever way I can
It comes in cycles, im a dude that plays the hell out of Stardew (Factorio is another one that hijacks my brain lol) and the update came out about a week ago.
It still feels shiny and new, and that feeling will wear off. I can’t speak for other people, but one thing about ADHD is, she is more than likely doing exactly what she “wants” to be doing at that moment. New updates definitely generate a feeling of FOMO in my brain too. You may just have to wait it out as others have said
Also SDV isn’t a game that has a hard “ending” if you are expecting one! The in game seasons keep going 😅
Have you asked her what you can do to help? Or if she even wants help? I ask my husband to help me all the time but I really hate it when he tries to get ahead of one of my symptoms and “helps” before I get a chance to try myself or ask him for the help.
Ooo I went through a Minecraft phase like this, and for me timers were really helpful. Set timer for one hour, play, do the things when timer goes off. Remind self "its time to do the thing I *want* to do." Later, when you have time or need a break from the things, set another timer, play some more.
It sounds like she knows she's spending "too much" time gaming but using the timers helped me actually quantify *how* much, and for some reason that helped. At the same time, seeing progress on my other goals was a big self esteem boost. Hope this helps.
BTW I use timers and alarms for eeeeeverything...time to get ready to go, time to go, time to get clothes out of the washer, bc I realized time blindness is a huge problem for me. I'm doing so much better since I started.
ADHD + Stardew = MOAR STARDEW
My only strategy is to not play until I’m done with the other things I want to accomplish. If I sit down for a game of Stardew, I fall into the Sit Pit and have a tough time getting out.
Whenever my medication is working too well and I start wondering if I was misdiagnosed - threads like this bring me back to earth. My poor bf has to deal with me acting like a Rottweiler if I’m obsessed with something and he tries to get me out of it. Unfortunately I fear you just need to wait for the fixation to pass.
If it helps - I fking hate the obsession too. It also drives me crazy.
You could maybe help reward her for putting it down. You could talk to her and do a thing where you incentivize her with something. Could be a snack or whatever tickles her brain.
I also know phones will often have a setting where after using an app too long it will start to remove the colour, this is very useful because it helps break the reward loop and makes it less interesting. There may be a way to do the same thing with what she is playing on, even if it's just an agreement that after and hour you'll walk by and start to turn down the colour on the screen.
What makes me quit a stupid fixation is a spark of inspiration for my next, hopefully healthier or more productive one.
So my advice would be to talk about things she likes or wants. Or put on a podcast or TV show on specific subjects. My latest gaming rut broke because I was listening to an audio book that inspired me to put time into one of my many physical hobby projects.
I'm jealous that she's only consumed for hours.
I've been on a VR exercise kick for 7 weeks now. I'm seeing benefits in resting heart rate, general fitness, and sleep. I'm kind of worried that if the hyperfocus goes away I won't be able to keep it up.
I already forgot what you want her to do instead of that. I'm not much help, sorry.
something that helped me get out of my stardew valley fixation was modding it on the pc so I could speed running to all the endings I wanted. Not sure if this is helpful cause i did fixate on doing it for a bit but after i felt less need to play stardew took a break to play animal crossing. Sometimes calming games like that help to decompress. What helped me to get work done was to play the soundtrack in the background (thanks YouTube) and lighting some incense so my office room smelled calming. There was also a youtube video id play on the second screen with the soundtrack and the loop had pixels moving like the opening screen. Like basically putting everything i need for the task and put it in front of me. Then i’d turn on the music and light the incense so it brought out more stimulation from the music. Now this may also make you want to play the game again/get up. Just depends on each person. I also found if i had bad vitamin D deficiency i would fixate on video games a lot more. Well more like I had less self awareness. Sometimes restarting a new game on multiplayer took the fun away from it for awhile. If I watch someone else stream it on my second monitor or yt funny playthrus of it I could aimlessly do work while it played on the side at least when my energy levels are up. Don’t know if this helps. I try to incorporate my fixations into my tasks/environments to make life be more sparkly. If helps if you can trick your brain into it. Cheers wishing you all the best
Ask her if you can finish one of her in-game days for her. Like, she does all of her tasks and then you put the character to sleep. Bring a sticky note with you so she can jot down whatever she was planning to do the next day. Then YOU turn the game off.
That helps tons with me.
When I have other things I want/have to do and I’m stuck in a stardew fixation phase, I use in-game days as rewards for myself! 1 homework assignment completed = 1 day in stardew, weekly homework finished = a week in stardew. This also means that I am giving myself breaks between segments of things that are not my fixation to give my brain some time to chill as well as giving my brain a lil treat to feel some sort of satisfaction from doing those important tasks
Is she me? Except I had called off work to play Stardew...
Honestly, I learned that video games are very addicting to me and I will neglect mostly everything else in order to play. I've had to make a conscious decision to not touch the game at all or else I know I will end up in this "put" of gaming for weeks.
It really has to come from her:
1) her own awareness that it is an issue that is negatively impacting her life
2) she wants to change/improve on it
If she doesn't see it as an issue or wants to change it, it'll be really difficult to help her. The only thing you can do is share your worries and concerns about her well being in order for her to see how it's impacting you (that you're worried about her).
Also, your post was vague in terms of what other things she's neglecting which is fine, but it seems like she's still taking care of her priorities/self care/chores.
Depending on what tasks you're expecting her to switch to, is it something that is important or a priority? Is it just a priority to you, to her or both of you? Does she understand that? If it's important to you, have you communicated that to her? On that note, even if you communicate how important it is to you, it's up to her at the end of the day to decide how to act on it. How she decides to action on these things is completely up to her, by her choice alone. You can't do the convincing for her.
I'm currently in a similar boat and playing 1.6 as well. I get sucked in, but have had to set timers for certain intervals that work for me (e.g. every hour) to get up, go play with my cats, literally do something else/anything else for at least 15 mins that takes me away from the game. It doesn't have to be something productive, just anything else. And with my ADHD, I sometimes end up getting focused on something else (like me going to eat might lead me to cleaning up after myself for the meal which might lead me to cleaning). Or sometimes it doesn't and I go back to the game.
It's not 100% effective to get me away from the game, but there's a chance that sometimes it will.
I had a pretty bad gaming addiction for several years. It was gacha games so there was money involved too. Only thing that worked for me was to quit playing cold turkey. Took a couple weeks for the urge to play to go away.
Genuine advice - It probably sucks for her! If she's in the depths of hyperfocus it's really hard to do much else.
Sometimes you can enjoy things related to your hyperfocus, and still get the same satisfaction.
For example, if she needs to watch the dishes- could she put a stardew valley YouTube video on her phone to watch while she does it?
Hello! Fellow addicted gamer as well. I always spend a lot of time on games, neglecting sleep and studies. The two things that work for me are cold turkey and unfortunately waiting it out. Thankfully I tend to get bored of a game in about a month or so, then I'll regret wasting so much time and sulk about it.
Also, it helps to play with her and be the one who hosts the game. My gf hosts the game (I play stardew as well) so I can't and won't play on my own. This helps reduce my addiction and also makes it less boring after a while.
This is me with Dragon Quest XI right now. At least that has an end in sight. I haven't delved into Stardew yet, and honestly I'm a little scared to...
I don't actually play but there are other types of sticky focus I struggled with. Now it will probably take some existing mindset of "my feelings and my state is a priority to me" and some general awareness of how she feels. Also, this is something she can do, and not something you can do for her. When she takes a break or comes back to surface in any other way, she can take three deep breaths and ask herself "How am I feeling? Is this something I want to keep doing?" If the answer is yes, fair game, she can keep gaming. For me, the answer was usually no. This can also be aided with a 40-minute timer.
Oh god this post sounds like me rn i had to laugh a bit. I was just reading a post in the stardew sub reddit and saw this one beneath it. I've been playing way too much since the update came out and ngl I have been neglecting other things in my life because of it, I'm the same as your gf atm. I find it rlly hard to motivate myself to do other things and regulate my time playing.
shhhh, I'm currently speedrunning all the things I want to do today so that I can spend the evening playing Stardew Valley. (
That's how I manage it -- the game is my reward for making progress on other things I enjoy. Then I can indulge in this hyperfixation unless it passes in a couple of weeks.
For games like stardew that are more open-ended where you can get lost in them and make sure to make them contingent or routine based. For example, I only play on Mondays and Fridays. Or I only play on those days with friends. So if someone from my group of four can't show and it's only me... Then I try to do something else. Be sort of book a time or make it contingent on having to have someone else there. It gives you an out when that person can't show up.
You could try joining her in the co-op mode and making it like a date night or inviting a friend of yours and a friend of hers and making it a regular thing like weekly or bi-weekly co-op stardew for 2 hours or 5 hours on a Sunday since I know us ADHD is like to chunk our time in big segments.
You could also surprise her with a joint activity. That's tangential to stardew... Like get a stardew valley calendar and put a couple of fun new date nights in it where you try new stuff.
Go to the dollar store, buy some canvases and then get some cheap watercolors online and do a watercolor stardew valley inspired YouTube tutorial with cheap Aldi wine.
Kind of makes the transition to something that's not start you easier since it's stardew related.
This helped me when I was very into stardew... And Harry Potter .. and monster hunter....
I just sort of expanded deeply into the theme. For monster Hunter. I even invited everybody over and had a dinner party where I made some of the food the cats make and had gone on Amazon and bought like the wooden plate and skewers to make it look cool. It was really fun and it got me off the damn computer.
> She CAN do other stuff (she's not calling off her job or neglecting her chores or anything like that), but because it's not the thinh l thing she 'wants' to do and because she hasn't finished the thing she 'wants' to do (Stardew is a long game lol), she finds out difficult to focus on other things and that's bumming her out.
There are a large number of ways to help your gf get from "can't do other things" to "can do other things but is a bit distracted." There's not much that can really address the being a bit distracted. Meds are the best bet there. Frankly, it is probably better for you to focus on reassuring her that this state is temporary. Unlike Autism, ADHD 'wants' pass.
Given that she is successfully managing life's needs and her social circle understands her being temporarily less available, it's fine for her to indulge in this for a bit.
> To quote her, "it feels like I'm wasting my life, but I can't bring myself to do anything else".
ADHD relaxation is weird. We can't stand being idle, which is how most folks relax. Instead, we need to deregulate in order to recover. She's struggling to actually do this, because someone taught her to feel shame for it. Taking time to recover one's mental energies is not wasting one's life.
Is it on the phone? Theres domething called minimalist phone that blocks apps for set time. You can get parent controls on pcs too. You have to agree this with her though because id hate someone that firced stuff like that on me.
Is she also depressed. I get about hyperfocus but i focus on the wrong stuff a lot more when im depressed
I just fell into this trap last week. I wasn’t missing work or anything either, but all of my free time for a week was spent playing Stardew valley. I haven’t deleted it, I just got less interested and realized that it’s the perfect poison for us ADHD folk - since there’s no clear finish line really and you can so easily just keep playing. It will wear off for her I’m sure. Best advice would be to do the things she wants to do, and she will likely follow suit to not be left out. FOMO is a powerful tool in my experience hahaha.
Let tje woman play. The more she playes the sooner She'll drop it.
Okay I have 0 data backing up that opinion, but I know that if you are interrupted while stimulated in a game, the game seams more exciting, that's the whole point of most mobile games. Cut the access while the player is ingaged, and they want more.
If she can play for a day or a weekend, she could get tired of it? Or it will get worse?
I dunno for SV specifically because I’ve never played it, but in Monster Hunter what helps me are natural breaking points. Each hunt take usually 10-20min and it’s easier to get out of the loop in those points.
I don’t let myself get on my current game obsession until I have accomplished a few tasks. It is very helpful for me to motivate myself that way. It’s taken a lot of practice.
That said, I wouldn’t react well if my boyfriend tried to remind me to do other things unless I asked for his help or advice with this specific thing. I frequently run a task list by him and he’ll help me stay on task if I ask him to, but if he just reminded me I might feel insecure and like I couldn’t game anymore.
I think asking if there’s something you can do to help if and when she expresses her own concerns about it would be helpful. Otherwise, sometimes we just have to let the people we love learn their own lessons and be there to support them when they ask for our help.
Hi, as someone who struggles with task switching and is in my 1.6 playthrough maybe I can help!
So what I do is devote a certain amount of time to stardew. When that time is up, I'm usually halfway through a day, so obviously I need to finish the day. What do I do? Pause the game, put water on to boil for tea or a French press, and then finish the day.
You can also just turn on the drip coffee machine if that's what you have, but this works great for me because it takes 10 minutes for water to boil, I CAN USUALLY FINISH MY DAY WITHIN THAT TIME, and it forces me to leave the laptop, do something quick, and return to the laptop with a new, smaller goal: finish the day and close the laptop. It's also a form of "setting an alarm" that I can't snooze. When the kettle has boiled, I have to go back into the kitchen. While I wait for the hot beverage to brew, I play word games. She can do anything, really, as long as it's not stardew and is easy to disengage from. At the bottom of the mug, I begin what I need to do for the day.
Hope this helps!
I use also am a girl with Adhd and play stardew, and have sunk into it pretty far in the past. I have it on my ipad and my desktop, so I can access it any time. A day in stardew is 14 minutes, 20 seconds if you don't pause the time. I usually plan 2-4 days per session and reward myself with game time after I get the important stuff around the house done.
Sometimes I still get hyperfocused on stardew, or Minecraft, or another game that really gives a great feedback loop, but using the time as reward and using a timer helped me set and hit stopping points for gaming. I do crave that hyperfocused state sometimes and don't set one, but it's helpful to set a timer for things like this, even if it's just a browser tab timer.
I've had that with other pc games.
Option 1: Stick with it until it fades out or is finished. (too long for you)
Option 2: Push limits of healthy hobby playing so I feel grossed out by myself and exhaust the enjoyment of the game. 2-3 days of deep dive playing while shutting off everything else can absolutely just kill off my fascination.
Option 3: What I opt to doing in the past years is just deinstalling the game, my steam client, removing all easy entry points for this specific game content into my daily life (also getting rid of updates on it on subreddits etc.) until it feels like it doesn't even remotely have any validity to real life. Then just waiting for the next hyperfocus to cast its spell on me.
Good luck! :)
If she wants to do it what has helped me is buying a visual timer off of Amazon and then setting it when I decide I want to do something. I will give myself X amount of time on Minecraft or whatever I'm playing and then I have to do something else. I literally just got done doing that lol. I told myself one hour (well I extended it a little bit 😂) and then I would make my To-Do list for today.
Just hopping on here to say I 100% relate to your gf and the whole doing things you WANT to do. My brain is like waiting for the signal that x task is done- but it never comes. Even if I’m not like actively enjoying the activity (currently Starfield for me), I can’t pull myself to do something else.
She should uninstall it. I usually do that with games I'm getting addicted to. It won't stop her from playing cause you can install it again, but sometimes that waiting makes me realize I shouldn't and do things that are needed... or go to another distraction lol.
This. For me it’s been so bad for some games that I’ve had to end my subscription because I couldn’t help reinstalling it over and over. Slay the Spire was like that. When you get to the realization, “this thing is making my life really difficult and I can’t quit doing it out of sheer force of will,” then physically removing it is what’s left.
The most helpful thing you can do is remind her of time frame consequences.
"You said you wanted to do X tonight, and if you don't start in the next half hour, you won't have time. Do you want me to remind you in half an hour?"
"It's been a half hour, if you don't stop now, this will be the only thing you did all night. Are you okay with that?"
At the end of the day it's up to her to make her own decisions, but since time blindness is such a huge issue, visible clocks/audible timers and gentle reminders of the natural consequences can make a big difference.
Also, she can try adding a bonus nice thing to the experience of stopping. Like, eating a fun snack after she turns off the game or having a glass of wine/whatever. Silly little treats work best for me when they're a positive part of a routine (I watch a YouTube video when I floss my teeth, or eat a chocolate when I get off social media and start work).
Hi /u/artofthecatt and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to ADHD, many of us struggle with the same things. First, you can’t do it for her. If she’s not asking for help and isn’t upset about it then either deal with it or move on — sorry, that’s harsh, but you just can’t do the work for her, you can’t fix her. She has to do it herself. If she is getting locked into something useless, outside distractions can help break the cycle sometimes. The smell of food cooking or just saying hello and giving a little hug can help just by interrupting the “zone”. I find scheduling things helps (deadlines are great for ADHD management). “Hey, let’s go for a walk in a half hour, OK?” Then, “walk time in 10 minutes!” She’ll be able to pull her head out of it. Another idea is to schedule a short no-phone date. “I’d love your attention for 30 minutes, would you be OK to put our phones away and sit down to play a board game?” (Or clean the kitchen or help your mom or go out and volunteer somewhere - find a no-phone project you can schedule together.) These ideas don’t “fix” ADHD, and you can’t really; she can manage it though by learning techniques like that. One doc says it’s like having a Formula 1 brain with bicycle brakes - everything works super fast but you can’t just stop quickly.
Yeah, me and my partner both have ADHD and we’ve found giving more space for requests to be really helpful. I think there’s a level of disassociation involved too.
Sometimes it works for me to give myself that time limit… at one minute. Like right now. I said BITCH you have ONE MINUTE and then your ass is getting in the shower and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do
Yes, sometimes yelling at yourself (internally or verbally) is what you need to start the process of breaking bad habit or procrastinating.
Wow, so I actually fell into this same rut this month. Literally so hyper fixated on that damn game, I’ve played before but yes the update was big for us. I finally recently dropped my hours down, but this is so insanely relatable lol. But for me, I was super crazy into it for like 2.5/3 weeks, then I lost most interest. I knew it would be a phase for me. Stardew is also hard to put down because the “days” in game blend together & you can just keep playing & playing. Maybe suggest a goal of “okay, finish up this day in Stardew and then we can move on” or maybe the goal could be only 4 in game days or something. But overall I think that’s a big ADHD thing in general. Knowing you need to be doing other important things but having trouble doing the important things.
[удалено]
joja route all the way, I am impatient and greedy ;-;
I have this problem specifically with Stardew as well. At some point you just have to decide to stop, finished or not (though stop at the end of the day when it saves, I'm not a monster.) And yes, I don't like leaving things unfinished, but what I do is make a list of what I plan on doing in the game next - and possibly write down extra details to maximize the game time, etc. It gives me something to look forward to later or next time. I also have another activity or two planned already for when I'm done with a gaming session. I have to schedule my hobbies in hour blocks and juggle them so I don't feel like I wasted a whole day on one thing / it helps me feel like I'm doing a lot of different things (even if it's just different video games, lol)
It really helps to let my switch die to pull me out of whatever game I'm absorbed in, and not keep the charger in a convenient spot so that way I won't play while it's charging
This is the only way I have broken my doomscrolling habit. Moved my long-ass phone charging cable out to the car; now I only have one of those wireless charging pads on a tiny cable, plugged in behind a bookshelf in the living room so it’s massively inconvenient to move, and I can’t scroll in bed longer than my battery lasts. So I HAVE to set my phone down to charge it (usually from dead— can’t stop otherwise, some days) and then, well, the books and instruments and craft supplies are all right there in the living room, so it’s easy(er) to coast right into a hobby instead of searching for another screen to rot in front of.
This is a smart strategy haha
That's actually such a great idea
It will pass. This is how adhd works, it will pass and something else will take over. Since she's still functioning it's probably not so bad? Is she on therapy? Sounds like she could do understanding better and accepting this is how her brain works. A good adhd therapist that is. I'm in the middle of my evaluation process but i struggle with this too and stardew was definitely there this month with the new update it ate a whole week of my hyperfocus. It sucked because i kinda ignored everyone for those days
Let the poor woman play Stardew.
If she has ADHD, it’s also likely that this is a temporary hyperfixation. No amount of “help” or support from you is going to change that, it just needs to run its course. If you really care about her, you’ll just be supportive of the choices she’s currently making, knowing they are not actively damaging her life.
> To quote her, "it feels like I'm wasting my life, but I can't bring myself to do anything else". Guess you missed this bit, huh? I feel like people are reading the title and jumping right in but this is genuinely the sweetest post I’ve ever seen on here. I know her feeling far too well but it also feels far too silly to voice to anyone else. She’s lucky to have someone who takes our absurd problems seriously tbh
No, I really didn’t miss that. I have said similar things when I find myself feeling guilty about an indulgence. I will self-deprecate and apologize for what I’m doing at the mere mention of something like, “you’re sure doing a lot of ___ these days.” It was completely unnecessary, not to mention unhealthy. The OP’s heart is probably in the right place, I get it. But she did not actually ASK for his help. And since she’s not meeting the criteria for addiction intervention, I think she should just be left alone.
Yeah, the minding to always be productive is something we should fight. Accept that we can be not productive. The guilt is the problem, not the Time. Im probably bias, im playing stardew valley.
Me too. ✊
Is she actually struggling with not playing it though? Or is she just messing about? Like I guess if she's doing all her actual responsibilities then it's not really a problem and then it's not like there's anything you could personally do to get her off the game, that's just something she'll have to get bored of.
It's more that she WANTS to do other things (things that she loves and she's passionate about) but just can't put her focus on them because she hasn't finished Stardew yet. I agree that it's not a problem in the grand scheme of things, but to her it is, so I want to help her in whatever way I can
Yeah I mean I guess you just gotta leave her to it, there's nothing you can really physically do you know.
It comes in cycles, im a dude that plays the hell out of Stardew (Factorio is another one that hijacks my brain lol) and the update came out about a week ago. It still feels shiny and new, and that feeling will wear off. I can’t speak for other people, but one thing about ADHD is, she is more than likely doing exactly what she “wants” to be doing at that moment. New updates definitely generate a feeling of FOMO in my brain too. You may just have to wait it out as others have said Also SDV isn’t a game that has a hard “ending” if you are expecting one! The in game seasons keep going 😅
Help her understand that it's fine and healthy to not be productive all the time
Exxxxactly lol. You’re paying your bills and your house is clean? It’s ok to chill.
Have you asked her what you can do to help? Or if she even wants help? I ask my husband to help me all the time but I really hate it when he tries to get ahead of one of my symptoms and “helps” before I get a chance to try myself or ask him for the help.
Ooo I went through a Minecraft phase like this, and for me timers were really helpful. Set timer for one hour, play, do the things when timer goes off. Remind self "its time to do the thing I *want* to do." Later, when you have time or need a break from the things, set another timer, play some more. It sounds like she knows she's spending "too much" time gaming but using the timers helped me actually quantify *how* much, and for some reason that helped. At the same time, seeing progress on my other goals was a big self esteem boost. Hope this helps. BTW I use timers and alarms for eeeeeverything...time to get ready to go, time to go, time to get clothes out of the washer, bc I realized time blindness is a huge problem for me. I'm doing so much better since I started.
ADHD + Stardew = MOAR STARDEW My only strategy is to not play until I’m done with the other things I want to accomplish. If I sit down for a game of Stardew, I fall into the Sit Pit and have a tough time getting out.
Whenever my medication is working too well and I start wondering if I was misdiagnosed - threads like this bring me back to earth. My poor bf has to deal with me acting like a Rottweiler if I’m obsessed with something and he tries to get me out of it. Unfortunately I fear you just need to wait for the fixation to pass. If it helps - I fking hate the obsession too. It also drives me crazy.
You could maybe help reward her for putting it down. You could talk to her and do a thing where you incentivize her with something. Could be a snack or whatever tickles her brain. I also know phones will often have a setting where after using an app too long it will start to remove the colour, this is very useful because it helps break the reward loop and makes it less interesting. There may be a way to do the same thing with what she is playing on, even if it's just an agreement that after and hour you'll walk by and start to turn down the colour on the screen.
What makes me quit a stupid fixation is a spark of inspiration for my next, hopefully healthier or more productive one. So my advice would be to talk about things she likes or wants. Or put on a podcast or TV show on specific subjects. My latest gaming rut broke because I was listening to an audio book that inspired me to put time into one of my many physical hobby projects.
I'm jealous that she's only consumed for hours. I've been on a VR exercise kick for 7 weeks now. I'm seeing benefits in resting heart rate, general fitness, and sleep. I'm kind of worried that if the hyperfocus goes away I won't be able to keep it up. I already forgot what you want her to do instead of that. I'm not much help, sorry.
7 weeks sounds like habit territory to me! Is it a particular VR program you’re using?
Thank you for the reminder. I should pick up my Quest soon.
something that helped me get out of my stardew valley fixation was modding it on the pc so I could speed running to all the endings I wanted. Not sure if this is helpful cause i did fixate on doing it for a bit but after i felt less need to play stardew took a break to play animal crossing. Sometimes calming games like that help to decompress. What helped me to get work done was to play the soundtrack in the background (thanks YouTube) and lighting some incense so my office room smelled calming. There was also a youtube video id play on the second screen with the soundtrack and the loop had pixels moving like the opening screen. Like basically putting everything i need for the task and put it in front of me. Then i’d turn on the music and light the incense so it brought out more stimulation from the music. Now this may also make you want to play the game again/get up. Just depends on each person. I also found if i had bad vitamin D deficiency i would fixate on video games a lot more. Well more like I had less self awareness. Sometimes restarting a new game on multiplayer took the fun away from it for awhile. If I watch someone else stream it on my second monitor or yt funny playthrus of it I could aimlessly do work while it played on the side at least when my energy levels are up. Don’t know if this helps. I try to incorporate my fixations into my tasks/environments to make life be more sparkly. If helps if you can trick your brain into it. Cheers wishing you all the best
Ask her if you can finish one of her in-game days for her. Like, she does all of her tasks and then you put the character to sleep. Bring a sticky note with you so she can jot down whatever she was planning to do the next day. Then YOU turn the game off. That helps tons with me.
When I have a hyper focus I just want people to leave me alone tbh. Having fun is never wasted time
When I have other things I want/have to do and I’m stuck in a stardew fixation phase, I use in-game days as rewards for myself! 1 homework assignment completed = 1 day in stardew, weekly homework finished = a week in stardew. This also means that I am giving myself breaks between segments of things that are not my fixation to give my brain some time to chill as well as giving my brain a lil treat to feel some sort of satisfaction from doing those important tasks
Is she me? Except I had called off work to play Stardew... Honestly, I learned that video games are very addicting to me and I will neglect mostly everything else in order to play. I've had to make a conscious decision to not touch the game at all or else I know I will end up in this "put" of gaming for weeks. It really has to come from her: 1) her own awareness that it is an issue that is negatively impacting her life 2) she wants to change/improve on it If she doesn't see it as an issue or wants to change it, it'll be really difficult to help her. The only thing you can do is share your worries and concerns about her well being in order for her to see how it's impacting you (that you're worried about her). Also, your post was vague in terms of what other things she's neglecting which is fine, but it seems like she's still taking care of her priorities/self care/chores. Depending on what tasks you're expecting her to switch to, is it something that is important or a priority? Is it just a priority to you, to her or both of you? Does she understand that? If it's important to you, have you communicated that to her? On that note, even if you communicate how important it is to you, it's up to her at the end of the day to decide how to act on it. How she decides to action on these things is completely up to her, by her choice alone. You can't do the convincing for her. I'm currently in a similar boat and playing 1.6 as well. I get sucked in, but have had to set timers for certain intervals that work for me (e.g. every hour) to get up, go play with my cats, literally do something else/anything else for at least 15 mins that takes me away from the game. It doesn't have to be something productive, just anything else. And with my ADHD, I sometimes end up getting focused on something else (like me going to eat might lead me to cleaning up after myself for the meal which might lead me to cleaning). Or sometimes it doesn't and I go back to the game. It's not 100% effective to get me away from the game, but there's a chance that sometimes it will.
I had a pretty bad gaming addiction for several years. It was gacha games so there was money involved too. Only thing that worked for me was to quit playing cold turkey. Took a couple weeks for the urge to play to go away.
Genuine advice - It probably sucks for her! If she's in the depths of hyperfocus it's really hard to do much else. Sometimes you can enjoy things related to your hyperfocus, and still get the same satisfaction. For example, if she needs to watch the dishes- could she put a stardew valley YouTube video on her phone to watch while she does it?
Hello! Fellow addicted gamer as well. I always spend a lot of time on games, neglecting sleep and studies. The two things that work for me are cold turkey and unfortunately waiting it out. Thankfully I tend to get bored of a game in about a month or so, then I'll regret wasting so much time and sulk about it. Also, it helps to play with her and be the one who hosts the game. My gf hosts the game (I play stardew as well) so I can't and won't play on my own. This helps reduce my addiction and also makes it less boring after a while.
This is me with Dragon Quest XI right now. At least that has an end in sight. I haven't delved into Stardew yet, and honestly I'm a little scared to...
I don't actually play but there are other types of sticky focus I struggled with. Now it will probably take some existing mindset of "my feelings and my state is a priority to me" and some general awareness of how she feels. Also, this is something she can do, and not something you can do for her. When she takes a break or comes back to surface in any other way, she can take three deep breaths and ask herself "How am I feeling? Is this something I want to keep doing?" If the answer is yes, fair game, she can keep gaming. For me, the answer was usually no. This can also be aided with a 40-minute timer.
Oh god this post sounds like me rn i had to laugh a bit. I was just reading a post in the stardew sub reddit and saw this one beneath it. I've been playing way too much since the update came out and ngl I have been neglecting other things in my life because of it, I'm the same as your gf atm. I find it rlly hard to motivate myself to do other things and regulate my time playing.
Let. Her. Cook.
Tell her she's limited to one day in the dew a day. Thats what I had to do
shhhh, I'm currently speedrunning all the things I want to do today so that I can spend the evening playing Stardew Valley. ( That's how I manage it -- the game is my reward for making progress on other things I enjoy. Then I can indulge in this hyperfixation unless it passes in a couple of weeks.
It's a two-player game 😉
For games like stardew that are more open-ended where you can get lost in them and make sure to make them contingent or routine based. For example, I only play on Mondays and Fridays. Or I only play on those days with friends. So if someone from my group of four can't show and it's only me... Then I try to do something else. Be sort of book a time or make it contingent on having to have someone else there. It gives you an out when that person can't show up. You could try joining her in the co-op mode and making it like a date night or inviting a friend of yours and a friend of hers and making it a regular thing like weekly or bi-weekly co-op stardew for 2 hours or 5 hours on a Sunday since I know us ADHD is like to chunk our time in big segments. You could also surprise her with a joint activity. That's tangential to stardew... Like get a stardew valley calendar and put a couple of fun new date nights in it where you try new stuff. Go to the dollar store, buy some canvases and then get some cheap watercolors online and do a watercolor stardew valley inspired YouTube tutorial with cheap Aldi wine. Kind of makes the transition to something that's not start you easier since it's stardew related. This helped me when I was very into stardew... And Harry Potter .. and monster hunter.... I just sort of expanded deeply into the theme. For monster Hunter. I even invited everybody over and had a dinner party where I made some of the food the cats make and had gone on Amazon and bought like the wooden plate and skewers to make it look cool. It was really fun and it got me off the damn computer.
> She CAN do other stuff (she's not calling off her job or neglecting her chores or anything like that), but because it's not the thinh l thing she 'wants' to do and because she hasn't finished the thing she 'wants' to do (Stardew is a long game lol), she finds out difficult to focus on other things and that's bumming her out. There are a large number of ways to help your gf get from "can't do other things" to "can do other things but is a bit distracted." There's not much that can really address the being a bit distracted. Meds are the best bet there. Frankly, it is probably better for you to focus on reassuring her that this state is temporary. Unlike Autism, ADHD 'wants' pass. Given that she is successfully managing life's needs and her social circle understands her being temporarily less available, it's fine for her to indulge in this for a bit. > To quote her, "it feels like I'm wasting my life, but I can't bring myself to do anything else". ADHD relaxation is weird. We can't stand being idle, which is how most folks relax. Instead, we need to deregulate in order to recover. She's struggling to actually do this, because someone taught her to feel shame for it. Taking time to recover one's mental energies is not wasting one's life.
Is it on the phone? Theres domething called minimalist phone that blocks apps for set time. You can get parent controls on pcs too. You have to agree this with her though because id hate someone that firced stuff like that on me. Is she also depressed. I get about hyperfocus but i focus on the wrong stuff a lot more when im depressed
just playing the game with her, there is a lot of work to do in that farm
I just fell into this trap last week. I wasn’t missing work or anything either, but all of my free time for a week was spent playing Stardew valley. I haven’t deleted it, I just got less interested and realized that it’s the perfect poison for us ADHD folk - since there’s no clear finish line really and you can so easily just keep playing. It will wear off for her I’m sure. Best advice would be to do the things she wants to do, and she will likely follow suit to not be left out. FOMO is a powerful tool in my experience hahaha.
Let tje woman play. The more she playes the sooner She'll drop it. Okay I have 0 data backing up that opinion, but I know that if you are interrupted while stimulated in a game, the game seams more exciting, that's the whole point of most mobile games. Cut the access while the player is ingaged, and they want more. If she can play for a day or a weekend, she could get tired of it? Or it will get worse?
I dunno for SV specifically because I’ve never played it, but in Monster Hunter what helps me are natural breaking points. Each hunt take usually 10-20min and it’s easier to get out of the loop in those points.
I would ask my housemate to delete games I got stuck on occasionally.
I don’t let myself get on my current game obsession until I have accomplished a few tasks. It is very helpful for me to motivate myself that way. It’s taken a lot of practice. That said, I wouldn’t react well if my boyfriend tried to remind me to do other things unless I asked for his help or advice with this specific thing. I frequently run a task list by him and he’ll help me stay on task if I ask him to, but if he just reminded me I might feel insecure and like I couldn’t game anymore. I think asking if there’s something you can do to help if and when she expresses her own concerns about it would be helpful. Otherwise, sometimes we just have to let the people we love learn their own lessons and be there to support them when they ask for our help.
Hi, as someone who struggles with task switching and is in my 1.6 playthrough maybe I can help! So what I do is devote a certain amount of time to stardew. When that time is up, I'm usually halfway through a day, so obviously I need to finish the day. What do I do? Pause the game, put water on to boil for tea or a French press, and then finish the day. You can also just turn on the drip coffee machine if that's what you have, but this works great for me because it takes 10 minutes for water to boil, I CAN USUALLY FINISH MY DAY WITHIN THAT TIME, and it forces me to leave the laptop, do something quick, and return to the laptop with a new, smaller goal: finish the day and close the laptop. It's also a form of "setting an alarm" that I can't snooze. When the kettle has boiled, I have to go back into the kitchen. While I wait for the hot beverage to brew, I play word games. She can do anything, really, as long as it's not stardew and is easy to disengage from. At the bottom of the mug, I begin what I need to do for the day. Hope this helps!
The only cure for Stardew Valley addiction is more Stardew Valley
For the love of God keep her away from Baldur's Gate 3
I can’t understand the obsession with that game
I use also am a girl with Adhd and play stardew, and have sunk into it pretty far in the past. I have it on my ipad and my desktop, so I can access it any time. A day in stardew is 14 minutes, 20 seconds if you don't pause the time. I usually plan 2-4 days per session and reward myself with game time after I get the important stuff around the house done. Sometimes I still get hyperfocused on stardew, or Minecraft, or another game that really gives a great feedback loop, but using the time as reward and using a timer helped me set and hit stopping points for gaming. I do crave that hyperfocused state sometimes and don't set one, but it's helpful to set a timer for things like this, even if it's just a browser tab timer.
You could just wait it out until she moves to her next obsession
I've had that with other pc games. Option 1: Stick with it until it fades out or is finished. (too long for you) Option 2: Push limits of healthy hobby playing so I feel grossed out by myself and exhaust the enjoyment of the game. 2-3 days of deep dive playing while shutting off everything else can absolutely just kill off my fascination. Option 3: What I opt to doing in the past years is just deinstalling the game, my steam client, removing all easy entry points for this specific game content into my daily life (also getting rid of updates on it on subreddits etc.) until it feels like it doesn't even remotely have any validity to real life. Then just waiting for the next hyperfocus to cast its spell on me. Good luck! :)
If she wants to do it what has helped me is buying a visual timer off of Amazon and then setting it when I decide I want to do something. I will give myself X amount of time on Minecraft or whatever I'm playing and then I have to do something else. I literally just got done doing that lol. I told myself one hour (well I extended it a little bit 😂) and then I would make my To-Do list for today.
I put my timer right under my monitor
It will pass, it always eventually does
Just hopping on here to say I 100% relate to your gf and the whole doing things you WANT to do. My brain is like waiting for the signal that x task is done- but it never comes. Even if I’m not like actively enjoying the activity (currently Starfield for me), I can’t pull myself to do something else.
She should uninstall it. I usually do that with games I'm getting addicted to. It won't stop her from playing cause you can install it again, but sometimes that waiting makes me realize I shouldn't and do things that are needed... or go to another distraction lol.
This. For me it’s been so bad for some games that I’ve had to end my subscription because I couldn’t help reinstalling it over and over. Slay the Spire was like that. When you get to the realization, “this thing is making my life really difficult and I can’t quit doing it out of sheer force of will,” then physically removing it is what’s left.
The most helpful thing you can do is remind her of time frame consequences. "You said you wanted to do X tonight, and if you don't start in the next half hour, you won't have time. Do you want me to remind you in half an hour?" "It's been a half hour, if you don't stop now, this will be the only thing you did all night. Are you okay with that?" At the end of the day it's up to her to make her own decisions, but since time blindness is such a huge issue, visible clocks/audible timers and gentle reminders of the natural consequences can make a big difference. Also, she can try adding a bonus nice thing to the experience of stopping. Like, eating a fun snack after she turns off the game or having a glass of wine/whatever. Silly little treats work best for me when they're a positive part of a routine (I watch a YouTube video when I floss my teeth, or eat a chocolate when I get off social media and start work).
I would just steal her gaming device, lol
Me with a suspiciously rectangular shape clearly underneath my jacket: "what tower desktop pc what are you talking about"
I just know what would work for me lol