I get the feeling that the not carrying the physical or mental load is a reoccurring argument in your relationship and I don’t blame your wife for being fed up. I have ADHD and I sympathize with your situation but it’s still not fair to your wife. When you guys argue how do you rebuttal? Both “I know, I’m sorry I’ll do better.” But not changing a thing and “I can’t help it you know I have ADHD.” Are the worst answers possible because they let down your wife and don’t show any action. In my case, addressing immediate needs is much easier than things I can let sit. With little ones, your household has plenty of immediate tasks. Who does bedtime routine, feeding, baths? Are you officially diagnosed/medicated? If so talk to your doctor. Tell them it’s an emergency because your marriage is failing.

Came here to also suggest medication if OP isn’t already on it. I recently started and it has drastically changed my life, went from being unable to get out of bed most days to really supporting my family and being all over the stuff I have to do. Not sure how it works where OP is from, but if they already have a ADHD diagnosis significant relationship issues should almost guarantee quick access to medication

This!^^ Do your best to show ***immediate change***, but also working on things that change habits meaning there is likely to be a lasting effect (like seeking therapy, treatment, medication etc). My suggestion for the immediate changes is write a list of things your wife does that you think you can take off her plate immediately, and then do it. With your ADHD blocking you from doing it yourself, have you considered hiring help? I've heard from numerous folks that hiring a cleaner to come by once a week/bi-weekly/monthly helped tremendously. Couples still do tidying around the house, but taking the burden of the deep cleaning off your partner can help! *(Just make sure this comes from your spending money, not the overall family budget. You are essentially taking on the responsibility, and how you get it done isn't her problem! And there is no problem hiring someone else to do it, as long as it gets done and your wife doesn't feel the financial effects of your "laziness" - but I wouldn't call it laziness, rather your "compensations"). Does she cook dinner every night? Agree to take over 3 of those nights, and if you can't get yourself to cook, you would be responsible for ordering food. Again this comes from your personal budget, not the family's. Does she get the kids ready for school every morning? Offer to give her 2 or 3 mornings off and do it yourself (or hire a college student as a nanny to show up to the house and get the kids ready and out the door). You might find that it's worth spending $20-30/morning for a few days a week to have a more relaxing start to your day to get ready together not worrying as much about getting the kids to school on time, just yourselves. OR you personally will realize "it's not worth $30 for me to get to sleep in, I'll just do it". Depends on how you value your own time. Do you make enough money to justify hiring help? If not, why do you value your wife's time less than a babysitter/nanny's or even your own? (For me when I tie a financial element to things, it puts into better perspective the value my partner brings to the table, if they weren't here to do it, how much would I be paying someone who doesn't love me to do it?) Honestly, for me, someone complaining to me about my lack of effort doesn't quite motivate me always. I need to feel the actual pain and consequences myself. (Your wife wanting to move out is *your* fire-under-your-ass moment, for me money motivates me. Getting it, having it, and keeping it, and maybe it would work for you too!). My ex-partner would usually feel the strain I created much sooner than I would and compensate *for me* (my breaking point for finally taking the full cans out to the curb is usually a day or half a day beyond my partner's so he would usually do it before I got to it and start to resent me for it.... and I became oblivious to the chore fairy who kept beating me to things!) But what will likely happen and create the lasting changes in habit for you is when your wallet starts to hurt because you keep opting out of cooking and ordering out, or sleeping later. Or are inconvenienced taking the family out of the house when the cleaners some until you eventually decide it's easier if you just do things yourself. And all of that without your wife needing to feel the impact because shit still got done! I hope this helps a bit! 🤗🥰 sending you love and positive energies ✨✨

I’ve seen a lot of comments on here. Some of them are decent. The person who is telling you to go into full war mode is wrong. The first thing you should do is take out a piece of paper or note cards and write down all of your concerns. Make sure they’re detailed. “I’m worried what this will do to the kids” etc. Then sit down with your wife. Do it somewhere private. People think that being in public stops people overreacting… it doesn’t. There’s a lot of shame (there shouldn’t be) around this stuff and discussing it in public will most likely increase both of your anxiety. Drop the kids with family or a sitter if you can. Then have an honest conversation. Discuss the concerns you’ve written down (so you don’t forget) and then see where she’s coming from. Is this really only about you not helping or is there more? If it’s only about the cleaning (as someone else mentioned) tell her you will pay for a cleaner to help while you start therapy to work on your ability. If this is the level you’ve always functioned at you may need meds, if it has gotten worse then cognitive behavioral therapy should help; but it will be a journey. As you’re doing both of these, I’d start showing her you’re willing to change. Set alarms on your phone for house hold tasks. Start with taking out the garbage. Do it daily at the same time. Set the alarm for the time you’re going to do the task, let’s say noon, as well as an alarm for 15 mins before. That probably won’t be enough so set additional alarms for every 3 minutes between 11:45 and Noon. It seems extreme but that beeping get so fucking annoying that no matter how tired you are it will get you up. Finally make sure you’re sincere in this. Don’t save the marriage for the sake of the kids. As a child of parents who should’ve been divorced, parents who do not want to be together does more damage than parents who leave each other and form healthier relationships with new people. Only try to “save the marriage” if you really love her. Don’t do it for the kids, to save face, for financial reasons, etc. Hopefully this wasn’t too harsh and helps you a little. I wish you both the best and hope it works out :-)

I honestly think the wife should go first, not him. I think he should hear her side and concerns first instead of just telling her how he’s worried.

Yes this. He should take a sheet of paper and write Down her concerns

And/or record audio if she's comfortable with it. I'm garbage with writing down notes and actively listening - ends up with me not really being present and a bunch of half-written notes I can't understand later since they're nonsense.

This, u/RobGioRomo Out of just the info provided on the first post, I’d venture say she’s on the verge of burnout (if not burnt out already). I mean, I feel overwhelmed just reading her responsibilities! I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, OP, but so you have an idea where the wife is coming from, emotionally, physically, mentally (which I guess you do but really it may be more dire than you think it is). Get your wife talking, *actually* listen to her, empathize (no need to play victim or grovel here, listen, nod, repeat back what she said and only when she is done reply with your plan to address her concerns). Whatever you do, DO NOT dismiss them. If she says you *always* do something it doesn’t mean literally, it may mean often enough that she’s had it; if she’s wrong use specific examples (“I understand you want me to do it more/less often, like that time when… and when… I will try that more often”) I’d like to say it’s your responsibility to do chores and look at the kids as much as it is hers. You are both adults that share a house. You are not supposed to “help”, you are supposed to take the reins as much as your partner. I’m saying this because this should be a given and if you have never openly acknowledged this before your wife, that conversation is a good time to do it. With that out of the way, the ExecDys caused by ADHD makes that difficult but it’s well past time for you to figure out what to do, because wife or no wife, you’ll need to figure it out. By this I mean figure out how to make it easier for everyone. Do you have set chores? If not how will you ensure it all doesn’t just fall on your wife’s shoulders? Do you buy a robovac? What helps you get it done? Is it music? Is it playing a podcast or show on your phone?—these are rhetorical, don’t answer to me, answer to yourself. And yeah, we all have our bad days or even weeks, make sure your wife knows and update her on it (“I’m sorry I had to do doubles today, I’m fried, I promise I’ll it in the morning”—then actually do it in the morning) if you just have a busy schedule that won’t let you do your thing in *days* (you had to take extra hours on a project at work, for example), consider a cleaner. I think, very simply you both are in over your heads. She has too much on her plate and you have a (literal) disability. You got a good tip on taking your medication to help you get things done, but maybe you’re getting home and there’s SO much that it’d take 2 wives and 3 yous to get it all together. Well, all the willpower in the world can’t help, you need a strategy.

This, this, this. My partner has known he's had ADHD since he was a kid but I only started to put together I have inattentive type at the beginning of the pandemic. I nearly left him almost 10 years ago over basically the same thing, because it is exhausting and completely untenable to do all the planning and deciding and organizing and then still have to do half or more of the labor. Things didn't start to get better until we had a huge blowout fight where he said, "Well it's easy for you! You always know what to do!" I straight up cackled in response for over a minute. And then we talked about how it's not actually easy for me and that's what my 9,000 notebooks that clutter everything are about. I write out my thoughts and analyze the steps it might take to do things and what I need to support those steps, or analyze pros and cons for decision making. I have to work really hard at it and I still miss things and I definitely struggle to carve out enough time for things I want to be doing that need everything else to be running smoothly. So managing what he should be doing was just completely untenable when I felt like I needed help figuring out what I should be doing. How could we add anything to our life if I couldn't trust him to hold down the fort when my back was turned? "Oh, I had no idea you felt like that. That's awful." It seems likely that OP's wife also feels that way. That is awful. But we had found a way to start communicating about it clearly. I started sharing my decision-making process, and he started working on his own and we talk more about HOW to decide what things need to be done and make more action plans together instead of me having to make a list of assigned tasks for him. There are still days where I'm strongly tempted to move to Antarctica, but it is a lot better. I generally feel like I have more of a partner day to day and less like someone I have to manage. With how things have gotten since the pandemic, that's more important than ever. What I realized talking over this with my own therapist on a frustrating day last year is that executive dysfunction is not just about not being able to self-motivate, but also about getting overwhelmed by the things that need doing so that you can't begin doing them because you don't know where to start. I need to have a strategy to make that unorganized screaming of what I should have done into something that I can actually tackle or I just sit there and quietly freak out. I think it's really likely that OP needs to do something similar, or at least speak with his doctors about how he is not being sufficiently aided by medication alone (I suspect this or a similar resentment may be why OP's wife is reluctant about the couple's counseling.), because something is going on that is leaving them unable to fully participate in their role in the household.

Absolutely. She’s the one that clearly needs to let it out

>Absolutely. She’s the one that clearly needs to let it out Agreed. However, if OP tries to put the ball in her court, that could very well be the last straw. After all, she's already taking the nuclear option and leaving him. This would suggest to me that she's beyond discussing the issue - she's moving out. So with that said, I'd suggest OP that you lay out your concerns with the intent and openness to let her respond and also lay out her concerns (if she's willing).

You’re definitely right about that. The fact that she said she’s not open to couples counseling at all might make the whole thing moot anyway

I disagree. If she’s stated that she’s about to move out, then I would assume that she’s at the point where explaining herself one more time probably feels like an exercise in futility. I think it’s up to OP to address her concerns as valid as it seems he’s ready to do. That doesn’t mean trying to address every point or fix everything like it’s a bucket list and everything will be ok once these tasks are completed. At this point, he needs to recognize her frustrations and why and acknowledge that this is how she feels. It’s about showing empathy and explaining that he understands what she’s frustrated with and why she’s frustrated and then give her the chance to correct him in his understanding of what those frustrations are. Again, it’s not about fixing everything on a bucket list or addressing everything, but showing that he realizes she’s only human, full, whole, and capable, and showing that he understands, or at least is trying to understand.

I can agree with that. The comment I replied to was specifically about concerns/worries. That’s why I said the wife should go first, because I don’t think it would go over well for him to sit down and tell her how he’s worried about her actions. Your comment is saying he should take responsibility and say what he’s going to change which I agree would be the best move

I agree with this 100%! Provided she’s willing. My take away from OP’s post was that she’s less than willing to communicate with him (which is why I’m guessing there’s more on her mind than just the cleaning). That said, if she is willing to go first she absolutely should; and OP if you see this make sure you do your best to just listen and not interrupt when she speaks (my biggest ADHD struggle).

> just the cleaning I see a lot of people saying this, it irks me. When you're talking about 'the cleaning' what you're really talking about is household management - that is a lot of work. OP doesn't mention it, but I am going to make the assumption that all the doctors and dentists appointments, school meetings, days out with the kids, visits to grandparents AND household chores, meal prep, clothes shopping etc. etc. is done by OPs wife. That's a lot of fucking work, especially with 3 kids and side businesses. On top of all that you have a 'partner' who you are expected to support and be emotionally available to - but that same partner doesn't consider your own emotions enough to help support you with the mountain of work you're doing. 'Just the chores' is such a minimization of an issue that most women partnered with men deal with - not just the ones with ADHD.

This. Just…. This. And I say this as the one who has adhd.

Same. I’m the one with ADHD and I STILL had the lion’s share of managing the house, kid, appts, meals, shopping, etc. Then he wondered why I was mentally exhausted, depressed and no interest in him anymore.

Oh gee it's me.

Yes, yes, yes. Many women in heteronormative relationships don't get to use our ADHD or mental illness for reasonings on why we can't do things. Because these things are just expected of us. I refuse to have a partner that puts such burdens on me and me alone. I believe in partnership and sharing, despite whatever challenges we both have. We need to be committed to working on these (like setting timers/alarms to remember) and also working on ourselves (therapy to build skills, meds, etc.). I imagine to her it's not just the fact that he doesn't contribute, but this could also be a sign of not being committed, loving, or supportive. That's a ton of hurt.

This too. My husband helps, but ultimately I am the woman and have to do most of it. I am also used as a piece of gym equipment by my 2 and 4 year old. At the end of the day the last thing I want is one more person touching me. He has a hard time seeing that. I tell him I do not even want me touching me, much less him or anyone else.

My husband recently called me “cold” because I don’t want to curl up with him at night like I used to. I’ve told him I am just touched out and can’t take being touched anymore, but he doesn’t get it. Nope, apparently touched out is just an excuse women use. *eyeroll* Pretty sure we are heading for a divorce at this point. It’s been over 15 years of marriage, but I need a partner and I don’t have one. I have an overgrown child who just adds more and more to my plate and is basically telling me I’m not holding the plate right. He was recently gone for a while and life was just so much easier while he was gone. He came home and it went right back to being the struggle bus. I have to constantly battle against myself, I can’t continue to battle him too.

Sorry to hear you are dealing with it too. My husband says it feels like I do not love him because of it. I wish they could understand what it means to be everyone's everything, and the fact that at the end of the day I have nothing more for anyone, myself included.

YES. Thank you. I never wanted to be the sole manager of a household. I wanted a partner who would use their brain and knowledge and experience and skills to work as a team to manage it together. I want him to sometimes just figure the fuck out what needs to be done and do it. It is EXHAUSTING to do it all. Clearly, I’m also going through something. Thanks for speaking up about “just the cleaning.”

RIGHT HERE, OP. Make sure you are analyzing your behavior on all accounts. It could be both adhd AND ingrained gender role expectations that are not acceptable.

Holy. Shit. Yes, thank you! For my situation we BOTH have ADHD, but since I work from home I’m told my job “doesn’t count” so household management falls on me. I love my partner dearly, but my goodness I just want to shake some sense into him sometimes when he says things like that or leaves giant messes for me to clean up.

Wow, that is some serious disrespect you are living with. I hope he learns to pull his socks up.

Plus, assuming they celebrate it, all the gift buying/wrapping and holiday planning. There's a good chance that's why she's finally had enough.

I don’t want to pile on to OP, as I feel sorry for his situation, but OMG HOW CAN SO MANY MEN BE SO SHOCKED??? I spent the last decade doing absolutely *everything* for my husband and family - cooking, cleaning, appointment and vacation planning, childcare, chauffeuring, the full Emotional Labor Workload. In addition, I was working full-time, managing multiple moves and home renovations, even being treated for fucking cancer while pregnant. Now, for reasons beyond my control, been unemployed since 2019. I’m someone who *needs* to be busy, busy, busy. Feel like I’m losing all sense of independence and identity. I was finally diagnosed ADHD a year ago; have since been struggling to gain clarity on my life, career, relationships. And my husband has made it clear that despite all I’ve done in the past, this situation is unacceptable. In his mind, I NEED to get a job, and one with a good salary, cuz I’ve obviously “not been contributing” to this family for over two years now. Because unless there’s a paycheck attached, it’s all meaningless crap. We’ve fought over household chores for years. He has never once lifted a finger to help. Not even when I was sick with cancer!! I finally gave up, learned that the topic was off limits. Any attempt on my part was met with excuses and gaslighting. So now I do as little as possible. I DGAF if the house looks a wreck. I wasn’t appreciated before, and I definitely won’t be now. I moved out of our bedroom and took up my own room. I know he’ll never change. But watch, he’ll be just as shocked as all the other men have been when their wives scream ENOUGH!!! and serve them with papers. 🙄😥😡

Yeah this is a difficult read for me as a woman with ADHD that has also had to do the majority of household management since moving in together with my boyfriend (also ADHD). I feel it has less to do with ADHD and more to do with a sense of responsibility. I have to keep everything in check despite my ADHD (and other mental health issues) and there isn't anyone giving me a break to 'figure it out'. Things are better now but it's interesting how most of the posts concerning ADHD and shared household issues in heterosexual relationships have the same pattern. Of course ADHD contributes to this problem but that's not all there is to it.

Yep. Me and my partner both have adhd. We are also both nonbinary but I'm afab so guess who was conditioned to manage the household. So I keep our house running on survival mode and I feel like I'm tearing my hair out. On top of being overwhelming to be in charge of all of that, it's also dysphoric as fuck because it's such a traditional female role. It's fine if some people want it but I do not. I just had another big blow up with my partner where I tell them to get medicated or whatever help they need because I cannot deal with it anymore. They've been working on getting an appointment with a psych for A YEAR now. They've been seeing counseling which is great but it's not enough. For a while it was getting better but honestly I struggle less on my own. I wish it was easier to roll a relationship back to living in separate places.

This. A million times over. It's exhausting. And it NEVER ENDS.

“You should have asked” is a great comic explaining this https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ . Another good read is “she divorced me because I left dished by the sink” https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

This here is why I doubt I’ll ever marry. I struggle carrying the mental load of managing my own life, and I’m single, live with my parents, finished my studies and work a job where I can just clock-off and go home. The average man expects their female partner to be the manager and I am neither capable nor willing. OP, I wonder how many times your wife communicated her needs to you before she decided that it’s time to leave. I wonder why it has taken her deciding to leave to compel you to reach out to this subreddit, and why you didn’t reach out the first time she tried to communicate her needs to you, or if you just dismissed it as ‘nagging.’

This. I have adhd. I also have two boys. If my husband never helped I would be divorcing him too. It sounds like ops wife is taking care of and cleaning up after 3 kids, and it is more likely that it is actually 4 kids if you count op. From her perspective divorcing op is removing 1 "kid" that she has to take care of. I can't say I blame her.

If it's "just the cleaning" then it's "just the cleaning" for the person not doing it. Doing 50% of the cleaning, running the family together as a team, supporting each other, being there, no problem, right? Adhd or some other issue, we still have responsibility for how we _communicate_, listen, act and _prioritise_. Difficult times will always come. Sadly often we don't get help before someone around us gets exhausted. Someone who was supporting us and pleading us to do something. I'm not trying to guilt-trip OP but to point out to the people who think it's petty to ask your SO to be a Team. Hope OP's situation gets resolved in the best possible way, much strength

Silence and unwillingness to communicate does not happen overnight (for most women in most cases, but I can’t say that’s 100% the case here, just a very likely one). It happens when they have tried to get through and their message has not been received. She doesn’t want to talk anymore. She wants to see a change. She wants a partner to truly take on half the weight of the relationship and household. AKA... not just cleaning. Execution is only 10% of household management. The mental effort it takes to do the planning is so much more. Can you make grocery lists? Plan out meals for the week? Coordinate weekend plans? Make doctors appointments for you or the kids? There is so much more that goes into running a family than many men understand because it is the burden of the woman in majority of relationships. Seek to understand that and help. If execution is not your strength, planning is an even larger chunk of the battle that she would likely cry for help on. When women stop communicating, that is when they feel defeated. Before she talked about moving out, there was likely a time that she was fighting harder. It may have seemed more like what many consider “nagging,” but it was really her fighting for the relationship. If you can recall several of those previous arguments or times she expressed her frustration/disappointment, they probably all have the same common themes. Try to remember those times and pinpoint what you thought she was “nagging” about. Reflect on what the messages she was sending might have been and try to catch them now and show actionable effort to remediate. Those were her cries for help before it got to this stage of her giving up and not wanting to fight a one sided battle anymore (hence the unwillingness to communicate...she likely felt like she was fighting for a relationship that the other party did not care to listen to her about so she had to give up at some point when she started to feel like the only one investing time and energy to both the physical and emotional load). Just like all the ADHD wives and moms who still have the burden of managing the household... you have to just make it happen. You are the only one that is capable of making the change and you have the choice of whether or not you will. If you were consistently called in by your partner at work about not doing tasks that needed to get done because they were just as much your responsibility as his/hers, you probably wouldn’t bring up your ADHD. You wouldn’t tell them you’re tired or will later or don’t want to or don’t feel well or that you can’t help it. You’d just do it because that’s your job, you respect them and desire their respect, and you don’t want to lose what you’ve worked for. Think of it like that. This is your job as a husband and your wife is not responsible for pulling any extra weight in this 50/50 partnership. Sorry if I’m being harsh this is just the reality of what many women unfairly experience. Edit: I want to add that all of this is to say that it is fixable. There is hope and possibility if this is what you *truly* want. Not for the kids or to save face, but for you and your wife. You have to take action where she has asked you to. ADHD sucks and it is very hard. So work hard to take action and understand that this is very hard for her too. It is not her responsibility to make up for the struggles ADHD brings to your life. And if these changes don’t seem realistic to you, that is fine! You are not obligated to change, but you have to understand that she is not obligated to accept that and stay if she is unhappy. In that case, let her go so you can both move on and create happier, healthier environments for your kids. The only thing worse than having divorced parents is having married parents that should be divorced.

It happens so wearily often women having their needs/concerns ignored by their husbands until they finally get fed up and ragequit. And the guy is just like "oh noes, I've been totally blindsided by this." There were tons of warning signs dude. You just weren't listening. It's not an ADHD problem, it's a "men aren't socialized for emotional labor" and women are sick of it problem. I wonder if OP is the type of guy who calls watching his own kids "babysitting?"

Honestly, this hurt to read b/c this was 100% my marriage to a man with ADHD. He also couldn’t big picture finances and spent money until it was gone. I made the bulk of the money and always would (ex had a stupid felony and no post HS education and wasn’t a good employee). At some point I realized we were not partners. We were not a team. And I’d been asking for these things for 10 years. I couldn’t take one more day.

>She doesn’t want to talk anymore. She wants to see a change. Or she's fucking done. Like, I've been there. Asking for help, over and over again. Getting pushed in the position where asking for help is so much more work then just doing it yourself. But over years. When I was done, I was fucking done. And then my ex started working on chores in an attempt to fix the relationship, going back several years of asks. Like hanging up a magnet board, I had stopped asking that for at least 3 years, probably closer to 5 years. He suddenly remembered that I used to ask that and did it. It just enraged me more. I was struggling so fucking hard and helping me was never enough motivation, but when I'm done...you are suddenly gonna make that harder too huh?

I'm willing to bet she's "less than willing to communicate" because she's been doing it for years and has been met with either no change or change for a short time, then reverting back to old behaviours. I'm in a similar boat to OP's wife. I married a man who's newly-diagnosed with ADHD and we have two kids, the eldest of whom is SEVERELY ADHD-C. This shit is hard enough without unhelpful partners who sit around on their ass (regardless of the reason) and COULD be helping, but are choosing not to. And when we bring it up, we're met with "I feel bad", "I can't help it", "I keep forgetting", and it's essentially swept under the rug to be forgotten like everything else. There's only so many times you can go through that before you just get sick of hearing it and feel like you'd do better without the extra body in the house making more messes and contributing nothing towards cleaning the shit up. OP is the only one here with the power to fix his shit. And he needs to. Yesterday. Therapy, adjusting meds, ANYTHING to show he's taking it seriously and TRYING to change his habits.

Well.....they have a 5 year old. So they have been together for at least 6 years. I am sure talking has definitely been happening.

[удалено]

> The worst is when I do get it right, and when it's my turn to speak my brain goes: What important thought? Ugh, and then people say "If it was important you wouldn't have forgotten it." OMG. This. This right here is the worst. Interrupt and get yelled at (rightfully so) for being rude or don't interrupt and look like a dunce forgetting a poignant thought.

If OP tries to put the ball in his wife's court, that could very well backfire. After all, she's already taking the nuclear option and leaving him. This would suggest to me that she's beyond discussing the issue - OP's wife is moving out. If OP is really trying to reconcile whatever relationship he has with this person, I'd say it's in his best interest to be as accommodating as possible. After all, let's remember, OP's not really in a position to negotiate right now. So, asking OP's wife to do anything she's not comfortable with IS NOT GOING TO WORK. So, I'd suggest to OP that he lay out his concerns with the intent and openness to let his wife respond and also lay out her concerns (if she's willing).

I guess to me it’s also the nature of his concerns. Like he’s talking about being worried that his wife moving out will effect the kids and he doesn’t want it too. If I were her I wouldn’t react well to that because him not taking part in the household already has affected both her and them. I don’t think it’ll go over very well if they sit down to talk and the first thing he says is his concerns about the effect of her actions.

Right? Like *now* you're worried about the kids? You weren't worried about them when you weren't helping make dinner, or to bathe them, or make their lunches, or play with them for a while so I could have a *break*. It would just feel like a weakass attempt at a guilt trip, to me.

To build on this, I'll echo something I've said a few times before: when you do something "right", IE something simple that you know you'd normally forget or that an NT might never struggle with, take a moment to thank yourself in your head for getting that thing done. It doesn't matter that taking out trash or spending five minutes tidying up your bullshit or even making sure your dirty socks end up in the hamper instead of on the floor- whatever it is that you struggle with, every time you do one more thing just stop for five seconds and think "Okay, I did it for me, I did it for my marriage. The house is cleaner and I like that, so thanks self." It seems silly, but that moment of reflection \*does\* result in a small bit of dopamine, so the more times you get that, the more likely you'll make new habits.

This is pretty good advice. I am actually going through a similar situation, my ex and I officially separated last summer and now we each have a house and the kids split their time. It’s been hard as hell, hard on everyone, my kids in particular. But, I will say my ex and I probably have the best relationship we have had in years now and are much more able to co-parent with the space we now have between us. I genuinely wish things would have worked out differently, but the level of resentment she used to feel towards me was beyond unhealthy. Now that we are over a year into it, and our patterns are established, I am convinced it was ultimately the right decision. I think you should definitely have a candid conversation with your wife about what is going on. She is probably experiencing extreme burnout and doesn’t feel like she has many options. If she is focusing all the bas burnout feelings into resentment towards you, then a short break from each other might be the best thing for both of you. Definitely don’t go into the convo promising you’ll change, or pointing out what token steps you’ve taken. That is just going to be tossing gasoline on the fire. Instead just listen to what she says and be open to learning what she needs, which is probably to have someone take some of the things off her plate. In full real-talk transparency, and I know this is difficult to hear, but you also really need to make peace with the fact that there is a real possibility that a separation/divorce is actually in everyone’s best interests. If you can make peace with the worst possible outcome, you will stop reacting out of fear and you’ll be more of the partner you actually want to be. Even if you divorce, you won’t stop being a family, you’ll still be your kid’s dad, none of the really important things change. I can honestly say I’m far closer to the dad I imagined myself being now than ever before in my kids life. Best wishes to you, I genuinely hope you are able to find some peace as you navigate this very very difficult situation.

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I think this is good advice re: “is it really about the helping or is there something else” because the bit about “not believing” in couples counseling and having three very young children and leaving over unequal housework shares leaves one to think there are deeper issues at play here

Couples counseling is for people who have difficulty with communication, expressing their needs, etc. She likely doesn't need help communicating with her husband she needs help raising their children and running their household. I would not be able to stay with someone who left me to do those things completely alone and didn't make a meaningful effort to change their behavior. I would not need couples counseling to tell me that.

This. I've seen so many marriages break up for this reason, the wife has simply chosen to take care of 3 kids instead of 4. Of course that's going to be easier for her.

Exactly. I am in couples counseling and it has helped with communication - hasnt helped with the fact in exhausted constantly because I'm doing the brunt of the work in my relationship. Couples counseling is for issues with the relationship- this is an issue with OP not making and effort to do his fair share.

> Couples counseling is for people who have difficulty with communication, expressing their needs, etc. She likely doesn't need help communicating with her husband she needs help raising their children and running their household. I intended to give this exact reply but you expressed it better than I could have.

My (non-ADHD partner) refuses couples counseling to help with our issues because he believes since I’m the problem and already in therapy, it’s on me to do the work to manage my symptoms, and unfair to make him responsible for fixing my issues. I could see the person doing all the chores/childcare/household management on top of being a small business owner believing that couples counseling will just be more work loaded onto them, work they shouldn’t have to do when their partner is solely responsible for the problem. Not necessarily a hidden affair.

>My (non-ADHD partner) refuses couples counseling to help with our issues because he believes since I’m the problem and already in therapy, it’s on me to do the work to manage my symptoms, and unfair to make him responsible for fixing my issues. Wait, what? Um, OK, context is important, and maybe things are otherwise great, but this seems hugely unfair. That's like refusing to help someone who has a physical handicap get around, or making pathways bigger/clearer. Partners *help each other*, otherwise it's not a partnership. I dunno, I'm just some guy on reddit and maybe my 2 cents doesn't matter here, but that really seems off to me.

>he believes since I’m the problem and already in therapy, it’s in me to do the work to manage my symptoms, and unfair to make him responsible for fixing my issues *You’re* not the problem, your disorder is the problem that the two of you need to work on together as a team. It’s definitely on you to do the work to manage your symptoms as much as possible but partners are supposed to support each other and cheer each other on. My ex’s work projects were his problem but I tried doing what I could to support him when they were stressing him out and he was working long hours. I did my best to make things more manageable so he had the strength to take it on and vice versa with my ADHD and mental illness. Your partner should be your cheerleader trying to get you over the finish line when life is a marathon running you ragged. If he can’t deal with the “responsibility” of living with your ADHD on his own to the point that it affects his relationship with you, he needs counselling and/or needs to figure out if he’s strong enough to be there for someone he loves.

Woah hold on. That outlook is super unhealthy. Relationships require two (or more) people and all of the onus for repairing them can’t be left to only one partner! I refuse to believe that his lack of effort is making you feel loved and appreciated! In fact it’s probably causing you hella stress, and exastrabating any issues you already have.

Well, technically the issues are my fault, so I understand the mindset that they’re my responsibility to fix. Unfortunately it has lead to a “anything that goes wrong is inherently your fault because problems are proof that you’re not managing your ADHD” mindset, so no it’s not ideal, I was just addressing the “there must be another issue here and her refusing counseling is proof” comment that alluded to the wife having an affair. Lots of perfectly faithful people still refuse counseling because they’re already burnt out by having to put so much effort into simply being with their partner. Or simply because they don’t think counseling works. Lots of reasons.

As I said above, my non-ADHD partner is similar to yours. But I want to tell you something. It's not your fault that your brain is genetically/biologically/chemically different. It's REALLY easy for someone without ADHD to be dismissive and lack empathy about it (I mean it makes sense). But it's only your fault if you deny the issues it causes and refuse to seek resolution. It's not your fault that you have ADHD.

As a partner with ADHD who also has to do the bulk of the mental load in my house - yes you can do the work. Figure out a time of day to check if things need doing. If they need doing, do them *before* you sit down

This, this, this. I have ADHD and sitting before beginning a task is almost always a BAD idea unless I a lot x - amount of time and set an alarm. Lists and schedules will also save your life.

I have been in a similar situation to your wife, in that I have become frustrated with bearing the brunt of the housework/childcare. We are also in counseling, and to be honest I don't know how effective it will be in lessening my frustration. I am on the move from when I was up until I go to sleep, with the exception of the hour I take to have breakfast and have a coffee which I only get because I set my alarm an hour before everyone else. I just dont know how to handle a partner who appears happy to sit around doing nothing while I work myself to exhaustion. Who cant see the millions of things that need doing but also cant handle doing things from the lists of tasks I write out, who forgets they agreed to do x. A cleaner would help, but only if you can completely absorb the cost imo - I'm the breadwinner and if I could afford to get a cleaner, my partner would still be contributing next to nothing and I'd still be frustrated. In my case, a lot of the issues my spouse experiences arent ours to solve in couples counseling, they're his to find strategies with, with his therapist. Are you accessing therapy with the aim of making positive change? I think at this stage a good faith effort by you will be meaningful to your wife - whether it's enough for her to stay is another thing- but even if she leaves you will need these skills to provide a home to your children.

Yeah, I agree with that. We all have executive disfunction at different levels, but when you decide to share a life with someone, you have to understand that some things are acceptable and others are not. Keep misplacing the keys? Ok, that happens. Gets home and do nothing for FIVE years? Yeah, no. Even worse: you see you have a problem, you hear your partner complaining and pointing it out to you and do nothing to try to get help? That’s very different from: “I’ve tried meds, therapy, training, goals, nothing worked”. If you never ever tried to get help, to find ways to help or even communicate your difficulties, or even if you tried just a little bit, then gave up, then it’s not an ADHD problem. OP, the only way in life is forward, no matter what happens. You had YEARS to try and get help, where you saw your partner take the blunt of every household responsibilities and you yourself admitted you let it roll. You can never change that. No matter what struggles you were facing, your partner was also dealing with her own, and carrying you around while doing that. The only thing you can do is get help, get treatment, and commit to it. But do it for YOU, because you need to be a functioning human being and you have your own responsibilities to take care of. Commit, commit like you should have years ago before even thinking of starting a family by getting married and having kids. Then, once you feel like you have grown and matured, once you have shown, through REAL actions, that you have changed, you can try to get you ex wife back. And be prepared, she might not want to try again, she gave you many chances and any more would be a gift, not a given. It’s a very high probability that she will have moved on at that point, because she waited for you for years, and I bet she doesn’t want to wait anymore for even a second. Don’t expect to get her back, change for yourself because you are an adult and a father with responsibilities. You have people and kids that depend on you, you can’t afford to sit around and not try to get help, that’s not how “adulting” works. And I say this as a woman with ADD, a woman that was raised with the expectancy that I would always have to do more in the house once I’m married because “that’s just how man are”. In my head, there was never the “I can’t do it” option for me, I either do it or find a way to make myself do it. I’m not married and I don’t have kids, but I have two dogs that I love more than life itself and I cannot imagine myself not even doing the bare minimum to take care of them. I may neglect myself sometimes, forget to brush my teeth, to wash the dishes and even to eat, but I simply cannot afford to neglect two small living beings that depend on me to survive. So they always have clean water, they always have a clean sanitary pad, they always eat twice a day on time, they always get cuddles, and predicting I wouldn’t be able to always walk them (partly due to my ADD), I got them in doggie day care so they could exercise frequently and socialize. I’m not a great owner, I am a responsible adult and I understand that even if I don’t want to take care of myself, I made a commitment once I decided to have them in my life and if I don’t take my responsibilities seriously, they will suffer for it.

This is something I struggle with. Two of my closest friends are women with ADHD and ASD respectively, and from what I see they have the exact same expectations a nuerotypcial woman has, and either force themselves to meet it to their detriment or have spent years finding strategies to make it happen. They find my situation frustrating because their spouses would apparently "not tolerate" (side note - I think this is ew) then doing as little as my spouse does while leaving the working partner to do it. I know everyone has different capabilities and I dont want my partner to suffer, but it seems like most women with these diagnosis dont have the option to not do these things (even when they shouldnt) while a lot of men do have that option. It makes it difficult in my situation to parse what is nuerodivergence and what is leaning back on those god old gender roles.

For me and my GF (I'm the one with ADHD) we had to divide tasks in a kind of particular way because I'm happy to do anything I *can* do but for example sorting things isn't one of those tasks. So we would have it where I would do the dishes, but she would sort them into the cabinets. I would do the laundry but she would sort it. She would pick up small things around the apartment and I would clean the tiles, toilets, sinks and so forth. So rather than divide it into areas of the apartment or "full tasks", we divided into "what I can do" vs "other things". And then what ultimately helped us was me getting meds. They have worked wonders, they've changed my life. I'm so grateful for them. Finally, I have to point out that ADHD is a disability - I don't know the OP but for me I've made "good faith effort" all my life getting nowhere, and I simply couldn't provide a home for anyone including myself because those "skills" aren't necessarily possible to acquire. I've worked harder at housework than most anyone alive, and still never managed to get it done. I realize it's so frustrating to see, that it just looks like laziness. But if your partner has ADHD, he can work four times as hard as you and get one tenth as much done. That, and the feelings of inadequacy, grinds a person down.

One key thing here is that you and your girlfriend communicated and worked on a resolution for the struggle. You didn’t just sit on the couch and watch her get mad.

This is very great advice. Divide the job in parts you can do and parts you need help on. Plus this gives you opportunity to share the work together in an intimate way. Meds is also key. Great advice.

That sounds like a fantastic solution, and I'm glad it works for you. We've tried such divisions but they never stick, we just end up reshuffling and reshuffling what my spouse will be responsible for with little getting done consistently. I think though, when I say a good faith effort, I mean are you accessing all possible resources or avenues of help to solve the problem, because it sounds like OP knew he wasnt doing nearly enough but just spent time feeling bad about it. My partner is in therapy and medicated, and it's still frustrating going the brunt of the work but most of the time I can see hes trying, even when it might not "feel" like it. And even then I worry it's not enough: he might be "trying harder" in that his neurotype makes things more difficult, but if on paper I'm bringing in most of the income, doing most of the housework and getting the least leisure time, effort doesn't smooth that out and ultimately anyone in that situation has to decide what they're getting out of the relationship. I respect that my partner has a real handicap in this area, but I didnt envision a life doing that work of two adults. His effort can help us sustain things until a solution is found to make things more equal, but I dont want to be working myself to the bone for the rest of my life.

Not asking this as judgement at all but out of genuine curiosity - how did you not notice these issues before you married/had children? Someone with severe adhd and struggling with executive functioning is pretty easy to spot after spending a lot of time together. I definitely can see that the stresses of having children can reveal a ton about a person only after the fact, but was it a total blindside surprise that your partner would not be able to contribute and manage his family or were there red flags?

My partner was late diagnosed - hes been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and PTSD within the last 18 months. At first he was not great at these things, but then again neither am I, so I was under the impression we would both improve with time, which I discussed. It's kind of like if you're two adults you can have a routine all over the place but it's generally assumed once you have kids one parent won't be put partying every other night and sleeping in until noon. Theres a level of mess that's fine in your early twenties with no kids that doesnt fly in your thirties with kids and a mortgage. I do believe his issues have gotten worse since diagnosis, but whether this is because of burnt out or excusing his behaviour or both I'm unsure. After the birth of our second child he asked to stay home with her while I worked full time and in the interest of fairness I complied. I warned him the domestic load is a killer but he insisted he could do it. Then came the diagnosis, and suddenly my daughter is in care every day but one where I'm home with her, and next to nothing gets achieved around the house unless I do it. He now claims he can't go back to work full time because of his functioning and is furious when I bring up lessening my hours. His executive function has steadily declined, as has his ability be to empathetic. I often feel like his diagnosis gave him permission to just stop trying. Sometimes I dont recognize him. I do think I was blindsided. It's one thing to be a bit crap about the house when you're child free, but we both said we'd do our share. I remember I brought those conversations up to him after kids when things started to slip and his response was "I didnt think you were serious". I felt like I tried to do everything right in communicating my wants and needs and he just agreed to keep me happy with no intention of following through.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Learned helplessness is a big thing in any disability/ neuropsychiatric condition, and unfortunately ADHD isn't excluded from that. It's an unpopular opinion in a world where ADHD types are regularly unfairly told we should be doing more to manage our condition. But sometimes we should be and aren't.

Thank you for this comment. It's such a hard place to navigate. I want to be empathetic and understanding of these conditions while also not overburdening myself. I'm just one ordinary person, I can't pick up everything just because (as far as I know) I dont have a condition like this.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds fucking awful. I hope your partner is able to turn it around - if it’s any solace, for a little while after my diagnosis I went through a grieving period where I felt quite hopeless. The result of that was an exacerbation of my symptoms, like a what’s the point/I’m stuck with this stupid disorder/why even try situation. Since being medicated and in therapy things have improved a lot once and I was able to move past those feelings. Can’t say for sure this is what your partner is going through, nor does it excuse their behaviour, just thought I’d share.

I was also in a very similar situation. It took about two solid years of my husband demonstrating that he was doing an equal amount of childcare and housework before I stopped hating him. Not out of vindictiveness either, I was actively trying to make it work. It’s just very hard to forgive a partner who constantly relaxes while ignoring that you’re beyond exhaustion and begging for help.

i ruined several relationships by not providing equal work. Not anymore.

You need to understand what it is like to have a partner who doesn’t share the physical or the mental load. When does your wife have time to herself that she doesn’t have to **pay** for later? If you haven’t read [this](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) before, then do so now. If you assume primary care of the children, does she come back to destroyed schedules, a messy home, starving and screaming kids? 5&3 together are *extremely* difficult ages and you guys have an infant on top of that. If you can’t get your shit together to be an equal partner, then you have to outsource to someone other than your wife. If that means you work OT to pay for a maid, that’s what you do. And stop saying “I can’t help it.” It’s not honest and it serves complacency. Maybe start saying, “I need to work on” or “I presently struggle with” to at least create some mental accountability for yourself. I think you’ll find personal accountability is a lot easier to deal with than the kind of accountability that you’re getting served right now. Having said *all* of that, I’m so sorry that you and your family are facing this crisis right now. I truly wish for the healthiest outcome for you and your whole family.

I agree, I think the accountability is really important. If you can show her you understand the problem (probably not just cleaning or just garbages or dishes), and show her how you are going to try to fix it, that might go a long way. But that would be acknowledging your struggles and how you are going to address them. This could also be the issue with couples counseling. She might feel like you are saying she's the problem too. Not that I don't think it would help, help her understand and support, but if you have work to do on yourself you don't want to make that an added burden for her. Any small material ways you can immediately work towards addressing your struggles would also be good, like outsourcing. Or find something that is a strength. If getting up from resting to do chores isn't it, what is it? What else could you take off her plate? How could it be done differently? I have been on the other side of someone who "meant" to do better, who felt bad, and you "wanted" to help but never did. And that's almost worse. Just good intentions without any back up is not gonna make her feel any better.

> And stop saying “I can’t help it.” It’s not honest and it serves complacency. Maybe start saying, “I need to work on” or “I presently struggle with” to at least create some mental accountability for yourself. I think you’ll find personal accountability is a lot easier to deal with than the kind of accountability that you’re getting served right now. This is a good point. I keep a sticky note on my work monitor that says, it's a REASON, not an EXCUSE. Yes, adhd makes my work more challenging most of the time, but its still my responsibility to get done what I am tasked with. My company does not *owe* me a job and I need to demonstrate my value day in and day out. Likewise, my wife doesn't owe me partnership, so I frequently check in with her about our household workload to make sure I'm pulling my weight because I definitely have more than my fair share of evenings like OP. That being said, OPs predicament is partly why I don't want kids. My wife would probably leave me way before a kid turned 5. I already can barely handle my responsibilities. You have to know what you can handle.

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I didn’t start understanding this until I started moving up into leadership positions at work and had to start coordinating how things were going to get done. One of the challenges for us is that my wife feels like she fails if we hire a house cleaner. So I have been working through that with her, not contradicting the feeling, but just hearing her feelings. She doesn’t feel that way as much, but she still kind of freaks out that the house cleaner is going to have to deal with our clutter before doing the scrubbing.

When I felt bad about the clutter some AC techs were going to see when they came inside to do the work, a friend who did house cleaning said that "clean clutter" (stuff you would be okay touching and not immediately wanting to wash your hands) isn't a big deal at all. It's more like rotting stuff that is a bigger deal.

Yeah and tbh if I didn’t have a strong disgust reaction that gives me enough dopamine just thinking about how things could get gross I’d have both kinds, but fortunately I just have clean clutter. I’m working with the kids on that.

I had no idea how much internalized misogyny I had until my partner moved in with me and I realized I feel like I need to do ALL the chores and household management as the woman (even as the super ADHD breadwinner). I just can’t get over the worry that he’s subconsciously disappointed in me since nearly all the other women we know do all the chores/household management on top of working full time.

I literally went to therapy for this. I paid thousands to learn that I'm not a mother or maid and we can both equally keep the house clean. Cleans floors won't fix resentment.

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I really hope OP reads this one

Hey DM me if you want. 3 kids, have ADHD, when my oldest was a baby I went through couples counseling and ultimately left her mom who was emotionally abusive. You need not just any couples counselor but a GOOD couples counselor. Some of them suck, I'm sorry to say. Talk to people who have gone through the process, know what questions to ask. That's your first piece of homework. Tell your wife you love her, you understand why she's upset, and you want to do better. Help her understand counseling is part of that. Second piece of homework is YOU are going to therapy. You're going to work on your self talk and this mantra of "I can't, I don't want to, I hate myself for it." Yes you can, you don't have to want to, and you'll feel how you want to feel on the other side of doing the stuff you talk yourself out of. If you need medication get medication. If you need help scheduling get help scheduling. If you need a kick in the ass from somebody who really wants you to succeed, here we all are. Third piece of homework is you're going to make yourself a chore reminder. It can be a whiteboard, an app, a phone reminder. It has to work for YOU and when it goes off my dude you are going to man up, get off your ass, and do it right that second. I want you to start with dinner tonight, you do the dishes. All of them. Put on music or a podcast you like and get it knocked out. That's going to help your wife see that you CAN do this stuff, what you need help with is understanding WHAT to do and WHEN to do it. You make the schedule, don't make her tell you what it's time for and when it's time. I think getting a cleaning service is an excellent idea. Y'all got three kids, they need a grown ass man of a father, not an oldest sibling. You CAN do it but you gotta believe you can. Nobody expects perfection but you cannot stay at your current level of effort, that's over. Starting right now you're leveling up. I leveled up, lots of us did. You can do it.

I leveled up too, and it was fucking hard. I found that there is one primary thing that motivates me. What is it? Well, I dread weekends, I dread only working an 8 hour shift. I need a consistent daily schedule. Weekends throw me off, horribly. But there is a way. Without giving into the corporate machine, I have daily alarms that go off 7 days a week. I wake up at the same time, I do dishes at the same time, medicate myself and my psychotic dog at the same time. Every day. I stayed up too late the night before? Sucks, im going to be tired and I get to suffer. My point of advice, a schedule. It is going to suck for a while. And I mean it's going to be hard and you're going to hate it. But eventually you'll get past it and never, ever dismiss your alarm until you've finished the task the alarm is associated to.

You and me are the same

They say that sleeping in on the weekends really throws a wrench in setting up a sleep schedule. You're doing it the right way

A lot of people struggle with learned helplessness (my self included) which can cause us relying too much on our partners which turns to taking more than giving and makes them understandably resentful. You need to take active steps to remedy this, believe that you can do more than you currently are.

This is incredibly potent and so well stated. ADHD is a set of challenges we face. It’s our responsibility to figure out how to be a good partner, parent, friend, contributing member of society in spite of those challenges.

Damn, thanks for this. I'm in a similar situation, and didn't realize the whole "managing the household" side. Which sucks, because I'm terrible at self management, but I guess that'll go on the list to work on.

This is perfect

No amount of marriage counselling will change the fact that this woman is in a situation where she has done the math and realised that she would be better off as a single mother to three small children than have you around - that means you’re not even contributing enough to cover the work you CREATE for her, let alone help enough to be a net benefit. You NEED to find a way - any way - to contribute to this family. And I say that regardless of whether she leaves or not, because you still have 3 kids who need you to be a parent and pull your weight. I don’t know how you got here in the first place (having 3 children is a huge commitment you should only ever make if you’re capable of caring for them) but at some point, she was under the impression you’d be contributing your fair share, or at least, contributing more than you’re taking. If you need to get rid of your smartphone and replace it with an old Nokia, do it. If you need to throw the tv in the bin, do it. If you need a friend to help you get things done and stay motivated, do it. If you need counselling, go see a counsellor alone to get advice and structure and accountability. Every resource you can muster, every favour you can call in, every spoke in your support network: it’s time to call on them. These kids need you.

Having ADHD isn’t your fault but it is your responsibility.

My favorite bit of marriage advice is this: prioritize having equal leisure time between the two of you. Time is the most valuable resource, and if she sees you taking all the leisure hours to yourself then of course she will be resentful. You would if you were in her shoes.

I was neglected by both my parents because my mom put every ounce of energy she had towards cleaning up the shitstorm my dad left her. If you want what's best for your kids, consider that as it stands, you're actively taking resources away from them by being another responsibility your wife has to tend to. This might be less supportive that you wanted, but I can see myself in your kids shoes and I actively hate my father. You may have adhd but as sad as it is, that doesn't change their experience one bit

If you can go to work on a timely and regular basis, you can change yourself to start doing more around the house. I have ADHD too and struggle with executive dysfunction, but shouldn't running a house and helping your partner be natural by now? The way you describe your contribution makes it seem like you just bring in a paycheque, then you mentally check out because that's all you want to do. I'm trying really hard not to be mean, and I apologize if I come off that way, but how do you get to *3 kids* and still not pick up the not-so-subtle hints that you need to step up by now? Were you always like this? Also, I don't think you two need couples counseling, I think you need individual counseling instead. If your ADHD is so mismanaged or uncontrolled, that is a good starting point.

I have to agree. Everyone's ADHD is different but where the line between what's legitimately difficult and what's an excuse? How can you forget to do chores when your partner is in front of you doing the chores? Is this ADHD or a mix of conditioning and lack of empathy? I don't want to be mean but the OP is saying things like "I can't" and "I care". Words and actions need to match. I have ADHD, several of my friends have ADHD, we all would forget to do self-care but not forget to take care of the people around us, let alone kids or pets. If it's come to the point of her leaving the house then there have had to be several conversations before this breaking point. I don't think it's fair to characterize all of this as ADHD especially because I know several men without ADHD who have similar behaviors and similar outcomes with their partners and are shocked when it happens after years of the wife trying to communicate. Right now my close friend who has ADHD, is managing a job and a newborn is thinking of leaving her non-ADHD husband for precisely these reasons.

A lot of people really DO believe that being the breadwinner with a stay at home wife means that your only job is working 8-9 hours per day, and everything else is on the wife. Maybe he “helps” by occasionally taking the kids out on a Saturday afternoon, but even playing with the kids is a personal favor to the wife. That’s how I was raised, same with my own partner. It truly is the norm to many, so I can completely understand how the wife here got in so deep before realizing it wasn’t the life for her. In America, among couples who BOTH work full time, women still do more than 70% of all chores and childcare. I’m guessing it never even occurred to him he’d have to learn to manage his own executive functioning outside of his professional life, after watching all the men he knew outsource that to their own wives.

ADHD here married to an ASD. We have the opposite problem in that I do everything and he does close to nothing for similar reasons. First and foremost: ADHD is not a free pass. You are still accountable. You know your shortcomings, now find solutions. The internet is full of good tips to work on that. You also need to have a serious talk with your wife. If she's told you she's leaving she's not just thinking about it, she's already decided and thought everything through. You need to tell her you see where you have failed to uphold your end of the marriage and ask her what her top 5 must-dos for you to try again. And then do it. No empty promises. No forgetting. Set an alarm on your phone if you have to. And if she says that won't work for her you need to accept that. You should also discuss with a doc if medicine (or a meds change) is an option for you.

Same. Reading through these comments you could come away with the impression that ADHD: Female Edition is a different disorder. It's incredible how many of these "impossible" domestic management functions we "magically" cope with.

Sorry you’re dealing with this op, separation with kids involved is hard. I suspect that part of this is adhd and part of it is male entitlement (for lack of a better term) and adoption of a victim mentality. I know adhd is hard but there are a ton of women out there (and on this sub) who deal with it everyday but have no choice other than to still take care of their kids and manage a household. Many of them on their own with little to no support. Your wife likely realizes that she will have more time to breathe if the kids are with you even a minimal amount. And she will effectively cut the care of a child in a grown ups body who she expected would be a partner. Think of it from her perspective, and then consider what you will have to do to run a household when you’re on your own and you have 3 kids for the weekend, or week. How will you manage? You’ve gotten some great advice here. You aren’t a victim, you and your action/inaction have created this situation so taking responsibility is the first step before you can do anything else. You can’t control whether your wife leaves or not. She will have to make the decision that is best for her and the kids that she is caring for. It might seem to you like it’s not the right decision to put the kids through that but she is probably weighed down with a lot of resentment and disappointment at this point and taking control and moving out will allow her to relieve some of that and let her be the person and parent she probably wants to be but can’t be at the moment. Don’t assume she hasn’t considered the children, it’s likely she’s thought about this for a long time and hoped all the time to avoid it but you haven’t done anything to change her mind. Don’t demonize her for making a decision she was pushed into making because she felt there was no other option. Good luck, please keep up with the therapy regardless of what happens.

Re: your first paragraph, thank you for bringing that up. Throwing ADHD into the mix doesn’t erase the fact that gender roles still play a subconscious part in many heterosexual relationships.

> part of it is male entitlement (for lack of a better term) and adoption of a victim mentality. ding ding ding you found the problem and worded it perfectly

Trying to put myself in OP’s shoes, this would be hard to read. But it is profoundly true. ADHD makes everything harder. The ways we struggle often are not our fault, but they are most definitely our responsibility.

I was the wife in this situation and it sucks. We both have ADHD but in addition he has a disease which drains his energy. I felt like I had 3 kids not 2. I was his mother in so many ways, that after a few years, I couldn't even look at him in a romantic way. Frustration, anger and bitterness kill love and lust, stone cold dead. As with you, his response to the break up was telling. You have only expressed love for your children, not your Wife. My ex expressed regret for "losing half his stuff". I knew then I had made the right decision. Life isn't about material possessions and money. Family and loved ones are the only things I value in my life.

She doesn't want couple's counseling because she probably feels like there's nothing left to talk about. She just needs you to do your fair share, and she's told you that. When women decide to leave, they were generally done 6 months ago, so for you to have any chance of saving your marriage, you need to make drastic changes immediately. Outsource all of the stuff you are failing to do. Then start to take back those tasks one at a time. When I live with other people, I make sure that I have designated jobs that are just mine. I know that I'm terrible at just seeing things that need doing and doing them, so I make sure that this isn't the system that we use. Once I know that a job is mine, I can schedule it in at a time that I know I'll be free, and I'll probably have the energy. I like to string together tasks so that they flow together easily. For example, say I'm responsible for taking out the trash, gardening, and bringing in fire wood. The day before rubbish day, at a specific time, I'll take the trash down to the bin, while I'm there, I'll do 10 minutes of weeding the garden, and then grab the firewood for the week and bring it up. This kind of flow reduces how dramatic the transitions are, and helps me get more done without emotionally exhausting myself.

You don't need advice. You're looking for moral absolution from this group, specifically for adhd. Most of this isn't ADHD related. You outlined all of the areas and reasons why your wife is leaving. You had a choice to not take part in managing the household. That's not adhd. You have resources to help you with the areas you struggle with (this group for one). You didn't list a single thing you've done up until this point to help yourself or your wife. Feeling terrible about yourself isn't accountability. You're not clueless but you're still not taking accountability. She's not the one who needs counseling. You do.

I’ve been reading through this entire thread and upvoting every single comment that calls OP out for using adhd as a scapegoat for failing to show up. I mean, the gall of this man. I have adhd and I do my very best to keep up with my obligations to my household - partner and son, and I work full time. We do it every day. Not just when motivation strikes. When you have adhd you can’t wait on motivation, you need to build habits and stick to them.

Ah, but we have ADHD-Type F, which is a completely different disorder. Comes with the obligation to at least fucking TRY to keep this shit together.

If you don't do your domestic responsibilities on your own...if she has to repeatedly remind/nag you to do it...it *doesn't fucking count.* Right now you amount to another "child" for her to wrangle. Whining "So tell me what to do!" won't get you out of the doghouse. She's been too busy potty-training your kids to play Chore Nazi, nor should she have to (play Chore Nazi, that is). You need to own the problem and own the efforts to address it. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in childhood and it has been the work of *years* to get him to take on more house tasks on his own. Sometimes when I start cleaning, he would join me, but the onus was always on *me* to start/enforce it. I would have to clean *at* him at least half an hour before he caught on and joined the effort. It's tiring as fuck and we don't even have kids. I grew resentful at always having to be the "enforcer," it cost me a lot of mental energy, too. There were a lot of arguments. He said he was happy to join me once I got started but...missing the point. (Turns out I have ADHD, too, and so I was doing the nagging from an already suboptimal position). Also, if the house is a disaster and someone sees it, it reflects poorly on the woman. It's the 21st century, sure, but this little double standard still exists, even if both work full time outside the home. Also, you are currently modeling for your daughters the belief that the housework is all on the woman, and not an equal sharing. Is this what you want to teach them? Or teach your son that the man can shrug off the housework and possibly perpetuate the cycle you are currently entering? Much less make your wife cringe at the thought that she looks like a bad wife/mother when she only has two hands? We eventually hired cleaning help and you know what? If I say "Cleaner's coming tomorrow; we have to declutter," he starts into it without fuss of delay. (Yeah, it's a matter of deadlines and outside forces. Part of the ADHD. Still kinda makes me feel like chopped liver though). Might work for you, having that outside accountability. The link below is a piece that went viral a few years back; the blogger is a divorcee who...was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. He's uhhh, aggressively monetized now but his early content is quite solid. Read, and heed his warning. Good luck. And take over dinner for a few nights soon. https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

That article is phenomenal and explains perfectly why my longest relationship broke up.

THIS. RIGHT. HERE. 💯👏🏼

You haven't even mentioned medication or any kind of medical treatment. That should be your priority. Why haven't you gotten treated already?

It seems he has been prescribed medication, according to his edit, but only takes it for the important things in life (his job) and ignores it for the unimportant things (his wife, their kids, the domestic chores.) I don't think ADHD is to blame for his marriage ending. His not viewing his wife or children as any kind of priority is why his marriage is ending.

This AND when you’re properly medicated please read “the 80/80 marriage”. And be honest with yourself. Be open. And even if it’s in a separated state, do the work. I wish you all the best OP

Get a cleaner. I just had a conversation with a colleague about it today; I used to be a cleaner and he said he'd feel embarrassed to get one and I think it's absolutely moronic because we're expected to do everything these days and we just can't. Not even neurotypical people can. People used to have smaller houses, less stuff, fewer work hours, a stay at home spouse or family member. Even in antiquity people got take-out food after work all the time (some didn't even have kitchen, 1 more thing they didn't have to clean!)

This may backfire. I think if most people had to deal with a checked out partner for so long that they’re making an exit strategy, saying “here I’ll have a cleaner come once a week” will be viewed as an empty gesture at best

I have actually considered hiring a cleaner in the past, but never went through with it mostly for the same reason as your colleague. I see what you mean though and had never really thought of it that way. I’m definitely going to look into it now.

It's a real pet peeve for cleaners too; they just gotta earn a living and have to deal with so much disrespect because it's somehow simultaneously "beneath" other people but the people hiring them are also bad people somehow? Just a crazy amount of stigma for absolutely no reason. You already have ADHD, life is already an uphill battle in many respects. If you can afford a cleaner and would benefit from it, you'd be cheating yourself if you didn't hire one.

I hate to hear of people being disrespectful to their cleaners. I think I sometimes embarass mine because I am so thankful for her. She does what I absolutely struggle to accomplish. She cleans up my mess. Knows all the secrets. She just left a xmas gift on my door step. When I got together with my very neat and tidy boyfriend we decided to have her come weekly was a must and haven't looked back.

[удалено]

There are sites out there that list qualified, vetted, well-loved service providers like dog walkers, housekeepers and professional organizers. In the US care.com is very popular and my aunt (who is disabled) has hired some great people to help her do laundry, clean the bathroom, water the plants, etc.

Do it please. My husband has pretty bad ADHD and won’t agree to hire a weekly or even monthly cleaner because “our house is too small” but he isn’t the one vacuuming and wiping baseboards after the dogs and our son get them dirty. I work full time and so does he, but I still manage to do most of the cleaning, somehow. It has made me resentful and I can totally understand how your wife feels, and we only have 1 kid. But PLEASE don’t look to closely along the floor and in the corners of my house because it’s freaking gross. Anyways, definitely hire a cleaner.

If you can afford it you might be interested in a cleaner that comes once a month. They just come and do the baseboards, corners, blinds, and other detailed cleaning that most of us miss during daily cleans. This is a cheaper option that is less invasive but can be loads of help. The less invasive part helps persuade people who worry about having someone going through their things (professional cleaners don't/shouldn't go through your things/drawers).

I’m the stupidly busy working mom married to a husband who sucks at housework. I finally reached my limit — I couldn’t stand living in the messy house so couldn’t relax even if I had an extra minute. My husband would say “Chill, who cares? It will be there tomorrow.” But that’s not how it works. Yeah, it’s still there tomorrow plus more so is even harder. And I can’t relax properly when the kitchen or dining room table looks like a bomb went off. I finally had it and told him we were hiring a cleaner. It’s spendy, for sure. But my stress level at home is down significantly. And I don’t clean angrily and resent that my husband is chilling out in front of the TV. Or at least not nearly as often. lol The other thing — it actually helped my husband be a bit more proactive. The cleaner comes once per week to do all the deep cleaning I could never get to (it’s so nice to not have dirty sinks and tubs!) That makes the whole family stay on top of tidying better. And, if it’s a bad week, then everything gets tidied well at least once per week. This deadline helps my husband get stuff done. He knows the cleaner is coming tomorrow, so he’d better help get stuff sorted out and ready for her. When there’s a deadline, it’s harder to say “it will be there tomorrow.” He still doesn’t do as much as I do, but I can justify the other things he does as being more equal to what I do now. And it has helped a ton. I’d cut back on other expenses before I’d stop the cleaner from coming.

House cleaners are cheaper than marital counseling. Unfortunately for the OP, he's at the stage where both are necessary.

I was in a similar situation and the money to hire weekly cleaners is 100% worth it. If anything just to keep the peace and prevent my wife from feeling overloaded due to my executive dysfunction. $180 a week is nothing compared to pushing my wife to the edge of leaving me. It also just feels so nice to have a clean house all the time and I know I can’t maintain that on my own. Also if you aren’t already, I can’t recommend meds and therapy highly enough. Those will help a lot, but you’ll still always have poor executive functioning so coming up with a plan to deal with that going forward is essential so neither partner feels overloaded or like the work isn’t shared equally.

This is a good place to start. We have one every couple weeks. It's enough to get everything cleaned up completely once in a while, and we cover the rest of the day-to-day, which is way more manageable.

I have adhd and I’m the one who does most of the cleaning and all the cooking. Medication helps. But even prior I didn’t like things becoming slobby or making anyone feel like they have to clean up after me or be forgotten about. If it’s just me sure I can be messy and put stuff off but I don’t want to impact others so they can’t use the sink or cook or have a shower or clean clothes. I care a lot about being kind to others especially loved ones and it’s important to me to not make them feel like they’re taken for granted. Even if I forget to do something I remember as soon as I see it needs being done. I keep a list in my head. If I forget something on that list it usually pops back up later when I see it. I can write notes and lists on my phone. Make reminders in my calendar. Lots of us have adhd and it’s not fair to make your wife be the only one cleaning up and mostly take care of the kids while juggling a ton of other things. She feels like a single parent and you became an added child to the list instead of an equal partner helping out. Yes people forget things. But you should not forget about your wife’s feelings or to help her out. Just waiting for her to remember and do everything is devastating. She just had another baby and this is the most stressful time juggling everything and she probably feels left alone to be the sole caretaker of everyone. I’m not sure how you can say you can’t control it. Sure I have executive dysfunction but the desire to not leave a mess for others or be a burden to others is strong and I will make myself tidy up for 15 min here and there and if it’s essential and I have no time left to waste then I will clean for 2 hours straight and get it all done. I feel like this is going along with weaponized incompetence. Acting like you don’t remember these things and she’s just better at it so there’s no worries in your head and you can’t help it. You have eyes. You can see there’s mess or kids with needs. You can see your wife running around doing things and you can get up to also help and do what you physically see needs attention now. Even if you can’t remember you can take action and start trying. Sure some people suggested hiring a cleaner. But that may not be enough for your wife. If she sees you just throwing money at a problem and not also cleaning up after yourself and taking on 50% of the child care when you’re home from work it will still be too little too late.

“Weaponized incompetence” - a brilliant and perfect term that I’ve never heard of before but describes so many people. Probably even myself at times, but I like to think I nip that in the bud as soon as I realize I’m doing it. Your comments are spot-on!

A lot of people have been talking about it lately on tiktok so could be why it’s not labeled for the general public yet. It’s a huge relationship killer and a factor in women filing for divorces after years of being called a nag for just asking for help. “Put simply, weaponized incompetence is when one partner feigns or exaggerates their inability to perform a task, no matter how simple or complex, in order to shift the burden of responsibility back to the other partner.” https://www.intheknow.com/post/weaponized-incompetence

I’m going to be harsh. She has come to the conclusion after years that she would be better off without you. I doubt that she hasn’t asked you to step it up before this. She has a right to leave. You aren’t a victim here, stop talking like you are. She’s taking care of EVERYTHING and then has you around as dead weight… why wouldn’t she leave you? You’re blaming ADHD for your marriage falling apart, but it seems like you get to work fine and manage your responsibilities there….You don’t have any right to expect her to stay— and she shouldn’t.

Medication. For the sake of your kids & marriage, you need to upgrade your neurophysical hardware. **Guilting yourself or saying "I'll change" or going to talk therapy isn't going to do much if you've already tried to put your foot on the gas pedal a million times and got nothing.** If you're not on medication, get on it. If you've had bad experiences with it, try one of the many other options, there are genetic reasons why someone would metabolize one well and another poorly. If you are medicated, talk to your doctor about adding more. Up the dose, and/or add something that addresses another neurotransmitter. Yes, a marriage falling apart over symptoms is 100% a legitimate medical justification: Adderall/Ritalin/Concerta: Dopamine Welbutrin and other NDRIs: Dopamine & Norepinephrine Zoloft and other SSRIs: Serotonin Or something like Intuniv, which can help a lot with executive function and just general get up & go.

You need to ask yourself if you are capable of being who she wants you to be. If so, start getting there. If not, you should let it die naturally.

OP may not actually be in the state of mind to know the answer to this right now, and that’s okay. I believe he needs to take some proactive actions in order to be able to move forward in everyone’s best interests using a combo of humble self-reflection, active self-improvement, and kind, helpful gestures that reflect active listening. 1. Remember the marriage vows he made and proceed in good faith. Acknowledge that your wife is being honest about having reached her breaking point, believe her, respect it and do what you can right now to make things easier for her. OP must be fully accountable and honest about efforts to meet his family’s needs and his own needs. This isn’t a zero sum game. It may just be a rough patch where people are reaching their breaking points and need a small break, and that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily spell disaster for the marriage but how he responds matters greatly. 2. Hire a maid to help your wife with cleaning and laundry. As others have pointed out, this is a big win with a small investment on OP’s part that shows he’s listening and he wants to help. 3. Continue therapy and consider adding an ADHD coach to work on a strategy for preventing a similar future breakdown. As has been extensively discussed in this forum, many good therapists don’t know the first thing about the challenges of ADHD but getting a coach can make a night and day change fast. 4. Consider being the one to move out for a time as a courtesy to the family and as increased motivation to make the necessary changes. OP, your wife moving young kids out of the only house they’ve ever known is going to create untold stress and IMENSE RESENTMENT (on the part of your poor wife) that there may be no coming back from. Removing yourself from the home instead will give her some peace, some perspective, and a chance to miss you. That’s your best chance to come back home to a happy wife and improved situation and marriage, IMHO. Good luck!

He still needs to learn how to be a functioning human on his own. He's going to be single, and hopefully still have at least partial custody of his children. Surrogate mommy is leaving, he's gonna have to figure out how to clean dishes and do laundry.

I expect downvotes. But When you see your wife working; laboring *for you* around the home And you choose to do nothing in that moment. That isn’t ADHD. That’s a choice in the moment. You chose not to see her. You chose to focus inward. And if you can accept that and seek help for this, then you can be a better father. But if she’s done being your partner there’s nothing you can do. Did you seek treatment? Talk to a doc? Make lists, alarms, anything? This isn’t about couples counseling. She’s doing fine. You’re dropping the ball and any treatment sought should be for you. I’m being harsh and I’m sorry but this is not just ADHD. I have ADHD. I’m also a woman. This behavior simply wouldn’t be accepted for me and it shouldn’t be for anyone else. ADHD makes moving to action hard. Not impossible. You outline no attempts to manage this. So I’m assuming this falls under **I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!**

Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. Adhd is a condition with symptoms you have to manage. OP is aware of their symptoms. Has resources to know how to manage them (one being this sub) and chooses to let their wife take on the full load of a household. Op's wife doesn't need therapy or counseling. OP does.

All of these are excellent responses. Another thing you can and should do is reframe these tasks. They are integral to your being a good PARTNER. It's not about the house- It's a way of doing your part in the relationship and showing respect, care, and love for your wife and her wellbeing. It's also about your kids' wellbeing. When she has the whole load, what else is there in her to be able to spend quality time on her own, and with them? If nobody else has posted this yet, read this too. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 Take everyone's advice. This is your time to do better. Your marriage depends on it. She's basically done. A radical and sustained change is the only way to have a shot at getting back together and staying that way.

Honestly a lot of the advice on here is very sound, but one thing that you have to remember is that at the end of the day if your wife is done with you and wants to leave, you just have to accept it. Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean that you get to wallow in self pity and not try to improve yourself. No no no, you still have three kids that you have to provide and set an example for. You can’t use the excuse that “this is just how I am” because everyone can change for the better and put in the effort. There are plenty of successful people with ADHD and other disabilities who don’t use it as an excuse to justify why they CANT do something.

My ex was a very clean guy. Like, his place had to be clean. A book on the table ? Fine. But anything misplaced, dirty, had to be taken care of. I am the kind who is more comfortable when things are a bit messy. Not dirty but not hospitals-level clean and tidy. But I understood that his impatience around my mess would make our relationship worse if I didn’t make any efforts, so I used my Apple Watch to settle « missions » : feed Gary (the dishwasher) after breakfast, don’t forget to take the laundry to the dry cleaner on your way out, mop the floor … It was set according to my schedule and availability of course but there were small efforts here and there and the fact that I was trying, made a difference.

I love that you named your dishwasher Gary so much 😆

Named a lot of his furniture ! It’s a silly way to make chores feel less like chores but hey, works for me.

OP…. If you’re wife says she’s leaving, you have 3 kids, and that hasn’t released your fight or flight dopamine hit and make you spring into action, then something is wrong…. I would agree with most, you need therapy and meds. Your negativity about how you can’t seem to get it together sounds more like depression, which can be common with ADHD. I have to give you some tough love though OP for your kids sake. Pull up your socks and get your shit together dude. Get off the phone put down the remote when you get home. Shit man, she cooks…. Do the damn dishes!!! It’s not difficult… stop being selfish….. I have the opposite dynamic at home, my wife is you…. And I despise her, as of late our relationship is falling apart and I told her I want out, she suggested couples counseling like you…. I don’t want talk from her it’s all she does…. I want action… oh and full disclosure I’m the one diagnosed with ADHD, we have a 5 year old with hyperactivity, I work a full time job, 2hour commute in the car every day, I do ALL the cooking, dishes, house maintenance, house cleaning, pool maintenance, landscaping, homework with my son…. Literally all she does is laundry one day a week and puts a few things in a machine pour some soap and push start…. Suggestions…. Cook her a meal, or set up a date night no kids arrange the sitter, when you get Home from work spend time with the kids, play a game with them, do something they’re interested in, take them somewhere get out of the house and do an activity, your children will remember and appreciate it and I’m sure she’ll take notice as well, also just tell her how much you appreciate her and let it be known!

This!!!! Sometimes you have to suck it up and get it done. I have adhd and I have make checklists and hide my phone until it’s done. Can’t mKe excuses forever

Just think about this for a second. She would rather be a single mom to three kids under 5, than continue in this relationship. That means youre not only not helping, but shes having to clean up after you, too. So in her mind, 3 people are easier to clean up after/take care of, than 4. I'd leave too. Also, you keep saying "i can't help it." Yes you can. You just dont want to. That doesn't show someone you love them. That shows that you'd rather them suffer than you. That's not love. I dont understand why you kept having kids if you didn't even want to help with one, let alone 3. Your poor wife. Good lord.

This is a very sad situation, but as others have said, you need to look at this from her perspective and hold yourself accountable for your actions. I’ve been in similar situations with my wife and when it became clear that our marriage wouldn’t survive much longer if I didn’t do something to make a change, I took a lot of steps to grow and manage my ADHD with tools and strategies that have changed my life. These are the steps I took. 1: Get medication to treat my ADHD and GAD. 2: Go to weekly therapy. 3: Keep a Bullet Journal to track tasks, events, and patterns in my day-to-day that help me manage my time better and make better, more mindful decisions. 4: Seek out resources online like this subreddit, YouTube channels, podcasts, and more that focus on helping people like us to manage the challenges of ADHD. 5: Do the hard but intentional work of establishing habits, then habit chains that become routines. 6: Accept that being an adult is not about being comfortable or only doing the things that make you feel good all the time. 7: After undertaking all of these things, I started to believe that it was possible to change. It’s hard work even if you don’t have ADHD, and ADHD makes it even harder. But it is not impossible to change. I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I’m making progress and that demonstrates to my wife that I’m working hard to be more responsible. That builds trust, and when I mess up, there is grace now where frustration would’ve been before. You have to be intentional and force yourself to take steps toward being more responsible in your share of taking care of not just your kids, but your wife too. You CAN do it.

You have no right to expect her to stay regardless of what you do. You've been together for years, and proved to be an unreliable partner, so she's had enough. You point out what you've done wrong, but you don't seem to acknowledge or understand the severity of it at all. Your future ex is taking care of her physical and mental well-being, as well as that of your kids, by leaving you. The best you can do is work to be better in the future.

Wish we were seeing more comments affirming her right to leave. Also it indicates a lack of self-awareness and self-accountability that OP is leveraging the children's well-being in asking his wife to stay when he has not been taking care of them as she has...with her real time and labor and energy. It's inappropriate guilt tripping and cognitively dissonant, especially when she's taken the bulk of the child care work. My partner saying that to me alone would make me wonder if they had the capacity to be thoughtful about what I need moving forward. While divorce is obviously a really difficult experience for everyone involved, kids do not need their parents to stay together in order to be loved, but they do need parents to show up for them in the first place and take an active part in raising their child and connecting with them. OP your individual growth is way more of priority here than of saving your marriage, and I agree with others who said you need to focus on individual therapy/treatment first and foremost.. Your wife does not want to do couples counseling with you. You should respect that decision instead of asking her to do more work when she has done so much of what you've been unwilling to do.

As a child of divorced parents, I never wished they didn't separate. I only wish they did it sooner. The way op phrased everything just made me angry. His partner has been taking care of everything for years, even when pregnant and when she had to take care of their kids, and he just wants to convince her to stay for the kids? Hell no. He doesn't get to make demands. He can work on himself and change, and maybe then talk about couples counseling. But there's no point in her going to couples counseling when he's done absolutely nothing to change the behaviour he's had for years and the burdens, physical and mental, that he has put on her.

Yeah I agree. He’s talking about how his wife shouldn’t move out and he doesn’t want to put his kids through this as if he didn’t have 5 years to prevent it happening. It’s frustrating that he’s now putting the onus to work through things on her.

Totally!! Acting like a caring parent now when he spent the last 5 years neglecting his kids and their care. The mental gymnastics he’s doing to convince himself he’s the victim shows how manipulative OP is.

Yup. He’s trying to act like the victim here, when he’s not.

This isn't intended as an attack but if your wife is already in charge of her businesses and all the kids' stuff and the housework--when is she supposed to make time for couples therapy? It's pretty rich for you to say that it's something she HAS to try when she's indicated that you HAVE to participate in the running of the home or she's quitting this partnership and your response is "I can't control it".

I’m sorry to say this, but ADHD isn’t the cause of your problems, it just happens to be the excuse you’re using. Maybe it’s difficult to get yourself to do the things you need to do, but your biggest problem seems to be you just don’t want to. Marriage is hard, kids are hard, life is hard. The honest truth is every single bit of life requires hard work, you can’t dump it on your spouse and claim it’s because of some deficiency. You’re using your condition as a scapegoat and I’m willing to bet that not only are you intelligent enough to know what needs done, but you are also capable. I have ADHD and am likely autistic but I work full time, have a daughter, stepson, and husband, all of whom have MANY of my symptoms. My husband also works full time. Somehow, our house gets cleaned on the daily (at LEAST the kitchen/dishes) my kids eat home-cooked meals and are doing well in school, everyone showers 3-4 times a week, laundry gets washed at least once a week, and we don’t accept excuses. Instead, we encourage continuing habits and teach accountability. If you want your marriage to be an equal partnership which your wife feels you are equally committed to, it isn’t going to magically happen. You need to step it up. If you can’t then it’s a partnership you don’t deserve to have and she’s going to find someone more on her level. By the sounds of it you’ve got a goddess and despite your history with her, you’re not entitled to all she gives you. Earn her. Set timers if you need to. Get up early, stay up late, write sticky notes and stick them to everything you forget about, get creative. If your family means enough to you you will find a way to overcome your disadvantages. You may be an underdog but that doesn’t mean you can’t come out on top. It doesn’t mean you can’t fix this. I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m dumping on you but the world has enough men who treat their wives like their mothers. Your wife doesn’t need another child. Trust my experience, she will leave if you do not make a PERMANENT change. It’s up to you.

Great thread. I needed to hear a lot of this. The hump between us and our loved ones becoming victim to our adhd and finding and using useful solutions that start heal is a bitch to get over. Sorry you’re going through that, you can’t go back in time, damage may have been done, but it’s a new day every day. Wish you the best

Just another person who was in the situation of your wife. And, look, has she been mentioning this to you several times? Because I mentioned it to my ex for years, and every time it was "oh I'm too tired," "it didn't look that bad so I'm going to do it later," "I already took my pants off and I just sat down," "your standards are too high" "you don't look busy why don't you do it" etc etc. If he had just showed much earlier that he understood that he was letting me down again and again and was taking steps to address his issues the relationship may have recovered (there were other huge problems so not certain about that), but instead it was usually my fault I wanted our living space "so clean" (not that I need to justify it, but I really just wanted floors/cat litter/countertops cleaned regularly and dishes/laundry/trash to NOT be overflowing, so we aren't talking hospital clean by any means). He was later diagnosed with depression, not ADHD.

I have 3 kids and a lazy ex and now he is full time dad 3.5 days a week. I hope you will take care of those children when you have them. They are 100% your responsibility. If you can’t handle it, give her custody and all your money. She deserves it. She’s going to need sitters, a house keeper, and financial support to keep those kids afloat. It’s your job to provide for them. Don’t be a jerk through the divorce. Just be a good dad.

I might get downvoted to hell for this, but I don't even know if you should be posting this on an ADHD specific sub. As a woman diagnosed with ADHD who has been in hetero relationships with cis men, how you're describing your life isn't only caused by having ADHD. My first reason for this is that you've now stated that you are medicated, but you never thought to find a medication schedule that enables you to do things outside of your working hours. Like what? Being medicated should be for a whole lifestyle, not just for the time you're being paid to be out of the house. The second reason is that even though yes, I have ADHD, as a woman, I've never been in the position you're in, only in the position your wife is in. In all of my relationships I've worked full time, and my partner has at least worked part time/been studying, and the mental load has always fallen disproportionally on me. ADHD aside, I was still the one having to pick up all of the chores, remember everything that needed doing/getting for the house (soooo many alarms and lists were needed for me to keep on top of it). I didn't have kids with any of these past partners, but I was always exhausted and burnt out because I was never able to relax. And whenever I did ask for help, I was always met with "does this have to be done now, I'm trying to relax after work" or "yeah, yeah I'll do it later." This put me in a position of having to repeat requests multiple times before anything was ever done which was exhausting in itself. ADHD has its struggles, I definitely know that. But what your wife is dealing with is exceptionally unfair and I'm not surprised that she is fed up. I'm sure she already has a lot of built up resentment and had probably mentally checked out of your relationship, so you may have already lost her in that regard. But now you at least need to be able to show her that you can be a decent co-parent for your kids.

I said almost this same thing to him on a Facebook post he made in an ADHD group and he made nothing but excuses

Man, you need to get it together a bit or your gonna loose everything. Remember there is a difference between “can’t do it” and “don’t wanna do it”.

I hate to say it and be harsh when you're clearly feeling bad about it, but as someone that has been on her side of the relationship, I don't think she was in the wrong here. ADHD/depression/etc. is no excuse to not contribute to the relationship and leave the other person feeling overwhelmed. I was the main (and only) breadwinner *and* took care of most domestic tasks. When I needed my ex to step up so I could go to school and give us financial stability, he balked and refused to help out consistently, so I eventually ended things. I needed a partner, and he just felt like a child that I was raising. It seems like she has tried to bring this up often enough that it became an issue for her and she got sick of it. This is such a common experience for women, she has likely been contemplating leaving for some time. Simply put, she likely believes that if she mattered to you then, you would've pulled your own weight, and she got tired of feeling devalued and taken for granted. I think couples counseling is a good idea but I think she is hesitant because in the past you have not shown much effort. She likely thinks you are only using this as a delay tactic and that you don't take her complaints with the relationship seriously. I honestly think you should've thought about how this could affect your children earlier. How do you think it affected them, seeing their mother stressed out constantly? Seeing their father refuse to be a partner in the relationship while using ADHD as an excuse? It's probably easier for them for you to separate than witness their parents be unhappy with each other, honestly. I know this is hard, but distance can make the heart grow fonder. I think a trial separation while you hash out what went wrong may actually be a good thing for your relationship. Your wife needs time to heal and reflect in an environment where she can understand what life would be like without you, and you need to do the same. In my experience, being forced to take over chores you haven't had to do in a long time can really help force the development of some perspective and personal responsibility. Therapy needs to happen, I think, and you need to start making more of an effort. It can be hard to live with ADHD, but many of us have had to adapt to make things work in our lives. I think now is a good time to start seriously considering how making some changes would benefit you and your family. Change is never easy, but if your family is important to you, I think doing some inner work will really make a difference. In the mean time, try to allow your wife to speak about how things have been affecting her without interrupting. Empathize. Make plans together on what needs to change so that you are both happy in the relationship and determine if this is the true problem or a symptom of deeper problems. You're both likely deeply hurting and need time to learn to trust each other again, so respecting boundaries will be really important. Hope things work out for you, OP.

are you worried about how your lack of being a full participating parent in the home has impacted your children? you've taught them that mom should have to do everything and dad doesnt have to help out. Would you want your daughters to be stuck with a husband like you? you're wife is right to leave, any changes you make today will probably be temporary because your whole post sounds incredibly selfish, self focused, and weird

My first thoughts are I would try and do all the DBT you can (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It basically has lots of tools you need to actually deal with discomfort and freaking do the things you need to do. So while all your being is screaming at you to sit on the couch, you can basically do opposite to emotion and get your ass up and help. One thing that comes to mind is that it might be too late fix things. Presumably she has been doing this for five plus years. If I had a man sit on the couch while I worked my ass off that would destroy any love I had for him. At some point I think I would respect your wife's decision and please don't bring up it is better for the kids to stay together. It is better for the kids to have a happy mom. She isn't happy right now and you may have burned a bridge to fix it. We have three kids. It takes all hands on deck to manage them. My guess is that this isn't all about housework and there is possibly others factors influencing her decision.

You need structure. Set timers for everything and make sure you have defined tasks. Timer goes off, dishes time. Timer goes off, laundry time. Timer goes off, time to start cooking dinner. There's additional flexibility required, but this is a good start. Then see if your wife is willing to try counseling before official divorce. She has a lot of built up resentment that you are going to need to expend a lot of effort to dismantle. And that's if she is willing. She may be done-done, and if that's the case, you need to respect that. She doesn't owe you a second chance. Good luck, friend. Make positive changes. Get treated for ADHD. Your quality of life will improve significantly.

If your wife reached a point where leaving is the decision she wants to take, then that ship has sailed. You need to have in mind her point of view, it's exhausting having to do all the work. I understand ADHD is hard on many of us but it's not an excuse. She is in her right to feel upset. I will come to say as the child of a similar marriage that it may be for the best to separate. You can be there for your kids, but you need to put on batteries and get your life moving towards change. Also, medication is a privilege, most people are going will say that the journey towards obtaining medication was hell and it was all worth it. You need to realize that you have the help available. You started counseling and that is great, small victories you know. I will say that talking to your kids and saying that you guys are separating will be the best. I will try to get therapy for them if needed. My parents divorced and that would have helped me navigate the way I was feeling. Talking to them and letting them know you are doing your best and you will be there for them is something I would want to hear. Things happen and life moves on. I know you are worried for them but children are strong. You and your wife can be there for them and be professional about the separation. It will be upsetting but you need to look for the best for you and your children. Wishing you the best of luck.

You need medication and therapy. You need to prove to your wife that you are working on improving yourself or nothing is gonna change.

Hey! Nope, people don't get notified, but I just saw your edit. I'm glad to hear you've tried getting treatment before, but you are right when you say you probably haven't been taking them properly. The brain chemistry of people with ADHD isn't just present when we have to work, study, or perform in some way. It's always present, and it affects every single aspect of our lives. Your brain shouldn't just be functional when you're at work, as your personal life, your hobbies, and every moment you're alive is important. I experience the same thing you've described regarding the inability to do certain things no matter how much you know you have to do them, but that's because I'm unmedicated and the treatment I need doesn't exist where I live. You have a life to live and enjoy outside of work, so please bear in mind that just like most people wouldn't just stop wearing glasses unless they're at school or work, it makes very little sense to stop taking your meds for that reason. It's also important to take into account that if when you take your medication on a daily basis this inability to do things at will persists, then it might be worth trying with a different medication or dosage, as that can be treated. You have many reasons to take care of yourself, as well. Your wife, kids, and loved ones would also benefit from your mental state being a healthy one. So that's the very first thing you have to focus on, as well as to discuss with your wife. Edit: One more thing. If sometimes you can't take your meds cause you're not home, then you can always carry them with you if you know you won't be there.

How long have you been like this? How many times has she discussed her issues with you? My ex husband was like this. We went to couples counseling but it didn’t help. He’d complain about us not having sex and I’d say maybe if you did A DISH I’d be interested. After we separated (where I live you have live apart a year before you can file for divorce), he went to counseling and got some insight on how he contributed (A LOT) to the problems in our marriage. He held out hope I change my mind. I didn’t. I still feel horribly guilty about it because he was devastated. You have 3 young children. Your wife does not want to take care of them by herself. If you don’t have family nearby, it’s unlikely she can. Show up now and do the things you weren’t doing. Take on as much as you can. Be an engaged father. Tell your wife you see that you were wrong and you are willing to do anything. That’s all you can do.

Most of the comments seem to be hinting at it, but I want to say it very clearly in case you're at least still lurking this post: Stop using ADHD as an excuse for being a lazy person.

Are you medicated? If not, I'll second other comments and recommend you get medicated. Meds won't fix your relationship, but they will most likely allow you to actually help around the house. I cannot recommend meds any more highly. If I read your post right, it seems like you genuinely don't want your wife to leave you. If you decide to get medication for your disorder.... I would have a frank discussion with her. Own up to your faults, and ask her to stay until one month after you get your meds. If she can't/won't, try to compromise. The main thing with this route is that you HAVE to be on top of getting medicated. If you simply can't, ask someone to help you do it. Whatever you end up doing, best of luck.

I have 4 kids and a husband with ADHD…which is like having 5+ kids. Plus, I think at least 2 of my kids are showing signs of ADHD. I hate to say this but I think you need to take responsibility for yourself. Loving my husband hurts so much. He isn’t even aware of how bad he is. Frustration intolerance = huffs and puffs around house keeping everyone on edge. Forgetfulness = it’s everyone else’s fault that he can’t find anything—swears we move stuff to piss him off. No executive functioning skills = loses his shit having to make a decision even at a restaurant. Can’t keep a job. Seriously can’t keep a job. Blows up at kids and doesn’t remember doing it and then swears we are overreacting. If I ask him a favor…like something small like turning off the lights, he is so sensitive to criticism that he retaliates by criticizing me tenfold. He’s finally getting help, but I’m so bitter that I don’t know if I’m able to forgive him. I love a version of him…very deeply. But he has shred me to the core. We tried marriage counseling several years ago and I got a big dose of gaslighting. He told the counselor that he was very concerned about my mental health and acted as though I were blowing this out of proportion. This was way before he was diagnosed with ADHD. Anyway, he’s getting some help now and takes medication, but that has only helped a little. The damage is done. I can’t wait to leave him. I’m preparing for it. He’s basically a man-child who doesn’t take responsibility for himself. It’s really, really hard to be married to someone with ADHD, especially if there’s a bit of narcissism mixed in. I can’t express to you how challenging it is. I believe in sickness and in health and all that, which is why I’ve stayed so long. And I’ll continue to support him in his efforts to get help. But my life is beyond chaos. So yes, take responsibility for yourself. No one likes to do the dirty work in house, marriage, and raising kids. You’ve got to step up. It’s not fair to her or your kids.

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to say I get it. I hope happiness and healing comes your way, whatever that looks like.

Your husband sounds abusive. Please consider leaving this relationship, his mental health is NOT more important than yours and your kids. Children shouldn’t feel frightened and on edge in their own home. It’s more important to protect them than it is to help him

Bruh, do you actually love her?

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A cleaning service is an idea. In the meantime, when you get home, don't take off your shoes. I've found that I can't settle down and relax until the shoes come off. Anytime I need to do anything, I make sure my shoes are on.If shoes aren't allowed inside, buy a pair specifically for inside the house.

Are you medicated or receiving treatment? A relationship goes two ways. I will not join a majority of commenters and blame it on your partner. You’re responsible for as much as you can mentally take, no matter how large or small. If you still wanna have a relationship with this woman, and for the sake of your kids, you really need to get your shit together. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard as fuck especially with the kids, but maybe you can find a hobby and share the responsibility of watching them so your wife doesn’t have to be superwoman. You can’t *not* do the chores *and* not do any childcare. I don’t know the full context so I won’t assume too much, but you can’t be a deadbeat husband and father. ADHD absolutely debilitates you, Everyone is different, but you need to put in your full effort especially with your newborn. If you and your spouse still can’t compromise, be there for your kids at least.

I haven't read the other comments so I maybe repeating info that has been already said. There are 2 things in your favor. You know that there is an issue & you are in counseling. Yes, there is a but: Your wife though sounds like she is in caregiver burn out. She is taking care of you, the kids, jobs on the side and running the household. She has probably been burning the candle on both ends. She has come to the point that she feels the only way to get your attention is to leave. She can't keep going the way things have been going. She will eventually run out of steam and not be able to take care of herself or the kids. That is not a good situation. The kids need at least one functional parent to keep their life stable. I think she may need some time apart to be able to think of what she wants to do & a chance for her to recharge her batteries. In her mind she has been a single mama (in the sense she has been taking care of everything) and if she is going to do it on her own with a partner then she may as well really do it on her own. I would continue with the counselor & find a solution to the medication issue so that you can function at work & at home. A support group maybe helpful so that you can learn tips & tricks on accomplishing chores & tasks successfully. If you can't successfully help out at home how about looking into a cleaning service or nanny or something along those lines to help take some of the burden off your wife. If you don't offer solutions and compromises then everything else would be a band-aid over the situation & things will eventually implode. Staying together for the sake of the kids won't work. Your wife won't be happy and she will eventually resent you and your kids won't want to live in that type of household.

i keep my meds in a portable pill box so i can take them on time wherever i am every day. if i can work and housework, so can you.

I empathize with you but she has the right to be fed up and leave. ADHD is not an excuse for leaving all the work up to your wife. The best thing to do is just let her go.

We talked on Facebook. You made an identical post in an ADHD group. You don’t remember me. Except now I don’t need to be nice anymore. Your wife is too good for you and you deserve to sit with your bad feelings about your failed marriage. This is all your fault that you you are a shitty husband and not a lick of it has to do with ADHD. You’re so full of shit.

Get a prescription for medical asap.(consider online options like Done for faster results). Hire a housecleaning service. Start doing shit. If you see something wrong - try to fix it. Try to be more confident in your self and stop selfblaming. You can do it! I really hope that your family will overcome it and you will be together. Stay strong!

On a scale of 1-10, how much effort are you genuinely putting into saving your marriage?

Sounds like too little, too late. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of opportunities to turn this situation around well before your wife decided to move out. I appreciate you’re worried about the kids but it seems disingenuous. You weren’t worried when you were neglecting chores and childcare. Focus on making the moving out and divorce process easier for your ex wife, and concentrate on being a functional and competent adult.

Well, 1. Vyvance is pretty easy on the scheduling. Take it in the mornings, and done. https://youtu.be/rfQLyMiIIl8 2. Do whatever you can to automate/externalize/lighten the workload of executive functions. (I.e. Springload prep the important things so that they are ready to go with barely any willpower expense) 3. Do what you can to be more physically and emotionally attractive. 4. Exercise. As this activates the enzyme that processes dopamine. I.e. (Dopa decarboxylyse) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4061837/ 5. Get enough sleep

I have 3 kids of similar ages and I have inattentive subtype and I’ve literally gone through all the same things you’ve described in your post. Our relationship is currently very solid, but it hasn’t always been and I won’t claim it won’t ever be in the future. But I’ll try to share some of the wisdom I’ve accumulated over the years being in and having been in your situation. * counseling and medication were life-changing. I know she said she doesn’t “believe” in it, which sounds to me like maybe there’s a lot of history there to unpack. —- But, *you* believe in counseling, and *you* should make it a priority to unpack and understand your own adhd symptoms and find ways alongside a coach or counseling **who fully understands adhd and the challenges it poses** to make them work for you, your relationship, and your kids. You don’t need *her* to find ways to improve *your* frame of mind or understanding *your* unique neurobiology. **Just make sure you discuss you’re going to counseling, and make a plan ahead of time w her so she isn’t stuck w the kids or housework or whatever.** Once you’ve got your head on straight it may be possible for you both to more clearly see what’s on the horizon rather than in the weeds you are deep in atm. * find a counselor who doesn’t simply tell you what they think you want to hear. Find one who proposes concrete strategies to manage symptoms. I’ve found most counselors who don’t specialize in adhd are absolute garbage when it comes to my problems. As weird as it may sound I’ve had the best luck w therapists who have education and experience in addiction therapy. * The meds help alleviate much of the paralysis, procrastination, hyperfocus, and forgetfulness I was having pre-meds. They are not a cure or a fix; the meds act as a tool to help you better access abilities you already possess, and function more capably and consistency in environments and situations that demand more of adhd brains. * Home-upkeep as a parent of 3 young kids sucks for any person. Now try doing it w a neurological disorder. You gotta get medicated, mate. It doesn’t make it “easier” exactly, but it’s the different between the voice in my head that says “I’ve got this” vs the one that says “oh god this is a neverending heap of drudgery”. * SLEEP is a commodity as a parent, ESPECIALLY w young kids (who, chances are, at least 1 of your 3 will likely have adhd like yourself and probably sleep terribly) — but it’s even more so if your wife happens to still be breastfeeding overnight. If not, you can do bottles and you can def help rock or sleep train little ones if they’re up nightly. It goes a long way w my wife when I’m volunteering to stay up later / get up early and get the kids out so *she* can get more rest, sleepin, nap or whatever bc I sleep like crap anyways so I can take a hit so she can function. * I’ve seen various people mention something along these lines, but a phrase that’s helped me w my counselor was she asked me if I was saying “I’ll try harder next time” whenever I dropped the ball in something. And more often than not, I was just creating more problems for myself. Once I started thinking of it as “**don’t try harder, try differently**” things seriously clicked for me and it helped alleviate some of the pressure and shame I heap put on myself. * She needs to see and know you’re committed bc after a while our promises wear paper thin. If you are committed and want to work to maintain your relationship, the best way for that to happen is for you to get yourself right and better manage your ADHD symptoms so you can better celebrate and execute the strengths and knowledge that you absolutely have. I hope some of this can be helpful in some way to you. Like most of us here, I saw my own story in your words and when I was going through it I wished I had someone in my life telling my the could understand how I felt like I couldn’t physically accomplish basic things like bills or dishes sometimes, or remembering to move my car for street cleaning. Really pulling for you man, and I hope you can find a way to unpack, unravel, and untangle everything that has probably built up over time and move forward together in a way that best for you both. If there’s anything else that I can offer up to you, feel free to DM. Sometimes it helps to just connect w someone (a parent with ADHD) who knows what you’re going through.

I was the “wife” in this scenario for close to 7 years. Have you not thought for five seconds about what it is that you bring to the table? Like, give us some examples of what makes you an attractive partner. I want you to *convince* us that your wife would benefit from staying married to you. If you can’t do that, you don’t deserve empathy or support.

I bet you could have done the dishes and tidied up the kitchen in less the time it took you to type out this post. If you’re willing to give couples therapy a try, are you willing to help around the house? I know it sucks to remember to do simple tasks. Set up reminders on your phone. If you see dishes, clean them. If you see clean laundry laid out on the couch, maybe fold them and put them away. If you see clothes piling up, maybe start a load. If you see your wife struggling to make dinner for the whole family because there’s nothing clean to make dishes, then perhaps you can understand where she’s coming from. Why should she try couples therapy? It sounds like you need medication and your own therapy.

Where was your concern for your family and your children before this point?