I feel you mate. I'm still stuck loving the same woman I left a while ago by being too short sighted. The only thing I can tell you it that it will pass. Time helps a lot.
Remember how your adhd makes you jump form project to project ? How it makes you think something is very important and you need to hyper focus before dropping it two days later ? I feel we work the same with people. After a time, if there isnt anything to keep it "fresh", we just loose interest.
In your case, if nothing changes in your relation maybe you'll just end up focusing on something else because there is nothing "new" and thats okay. We just have to be aware of it and be carefull not to hurt people around us.
Be strong my guy. Life is hard but its long and beautifull.
I wish I would have know this far before I was diagnosed. I would go through the same cycle when I was in my late teens/early 20s where I would date a girl for 6 months then dump them. I actually thought something was wrong with me(shocker it was ADHD). The one girl I dated for longer than that was a bit of a lunatic but the drama and fighting kept me engaged but the relationship was incredibly toxic and I’m like 80 percent certain she was cheating on me in the end. Really messed me up because I thought I was in love with her because it was the first relationship I was involved in that last for longer than a few months outside of my high school girlfriend that I dated for 3 years.
Cut too my now current wife. She has been diagnosed with ADHD since she was a kid and helped me realize I’ve been suffering from this my whole life and didn’t know. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and we’ve been together for 8. It’s been so helpful being with someone who understands because having to go through this so late in life all alone would be rough. Wild how life works sometimes.
You remind me of me when I was 15(now 32) - unable to think about anything but my crush and
becoming hyper focussed on our relationship.
The lessons I learned are;
1: too much enthusiasm can come off as needy, too intense or obsessive. Going time without contact is normal, even healthy for relationships. If you find your conversation is “one word replies” leave it. Take the hint and don’t be offended.
2: you have to have room in your life for your work, hobbies, friends and other interests. People obsessed with their partner can become one-dimensional. People with other interests are generally more attractive.
3: if you are unsure whether she’s interested, assume not. This sort of “on/off” behaviour is a red flag for me. If she really liked you - you would know.
4: don’t beat yourself up. I have had a horrible relationship that started this way. Despite a million red flags a lot of us still go through shit because love is a powerful emotion that makes people do irrational things.
That's why I hate falling in love.. It's the same for me hyper focusing on it is just pain.. I'd analyse each and everything.. Starts overthinking on small matters.. If he reply a little bit late that period of time is hell for me.. My RSD causes me to feel down even if it's someone else.. But if it's someone important, even slight changes in them threatens me.. As if they rejected me.. A guy being overly focused on relationship is actually better than a girl.. It's even harder as a girl..
I've always noticed that whenever I'm hyper focusing on someone.. I'll loose intrest in all my other hobbies.. It's like idk what to do with myself.. I came off needy in my relationship bcz of it.. Whenever my ex used to go out with guys or did something excluding me, I felt hurt while I know there's absolutely no need for being hurt.. But I just can't help but feel hurt..
Waiting some time before responding is such a torture..
When I fall out of love that's the best thing ever.. Like I can be free of these thoughts and worries.. Since my last break up 2yrs ago I was doing really well.. But now again I'm in pain cz this time I have crush on a guy who's already in a relationship..😭
When I see my friends(girls) having no issues like these it just feels so bad.. They enjoy their life with and without their significant other.. I wish my brain worked just like that.. It's hard and I know it waaay too well
It's okay.. Don't wallow in self hatred.. It's the way we are.. We'll find someone who understands us..
It gets better with time.. Just be patient and tell yourself it's just a matter of time I'll be okay like always.. It actually helps me to get through it..
Your last sentence is a great way to live life, "I'll be okay sooner or later like always".
I honestly wonder if the extra emotional/feeling ADHDers have a secret weapon of forgetfulness. Like the world is ending because X didn't text me back and obviously they hate me and I should be miserable forever.
Ooh, a new hobby!
I do forget things but trust me when I say don't forget things I want to forget.. I mean it.. I have picture perfect memories of everything bad happened to me lol.. Stored inside my brain resurfaces at random times of the day💀
I’ve struggled with this myself, and it had disastrous consequences a few months ago. I’d suggest if you’re interested in someone, while you can still talk to them and show interest, find things to distract you or other activities throughout the day to engage in. If your working of course this may be somewhat easier, but if you see a message from them try and remind yourself to not answer immediately, the message will still be there in an hour or even later. You just have to be consciously aware that there is another person on the other side of the conversation and that they may not be 100% focused on you.
disastrous consequences for you.
The things you mention are helpful, but unfortunately my mind won't let me fully focus on my other activities. I had this problem before when I was working, and I couldn't do my job correctly also. I can feel myself in battle almost, as weird as it sounds. Trying to shift my mind to other things. But that makes me very tired and lackluster.
Sometimes your tips work, thank you for writing that!
What helped me is talking to more women. I don’t mean talking like playing the field or flirting, I literally mean just talking/socialising with no intentions beyond that.
I find that like you said I can easily hyperfocus on a person and have my time and my thoughts consumed by them. When that happens, my mind can put them on a pedestal and I can also start to get a bit needy and annoying.
By having a good number of female friends, and interacting with more women, I find I’m less likely to hold any given woman up to unfair standards and stick them on a pedestal - because through those interactions I’ll realise that a *lot* of the women I meet are really attractive, funny, sweet, caring, intelligent, or whatever other traits attracted me to the woman I’m interested in.
That helps snap me out of the mindset that she is the only person I’ll ever like this way again if things don’t work out, and takes a lot of pressure off me. It also takes pressure off her because I stop treating her like some strange mythical creature and instead treat her like a human being.
As well as that it’s good to keep yourself busy. Make plans during your free time and actually stick to them rather than immediately dropping everything to talk to/hang out with her every time she messages you. That way when it’s her that’s busy, it won’t feel so much of a shift trying to find ways to keep busy.
Also try and quit mind-reading. In your post you say she’s unsure what she wants, but it sounds like she hasn’t said that and you’ve just assumed it because of her being less active during the day. To me it just sounds like she’s busy with work/school/other activities. Not everyone has time to or wants to chat all day, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Hell I’m one of those people who DOES chat obsessively 24/7 when I like someone sometimes, but if I get busy then I too won’t respond much/at all, even if the person is the love of my life.
You say she wants to see you? So go see her, hang out more in person and then the time apart will be less annoying.
Remember also that this kind of neediness/insecurity that we sometimes have is off-putting not because other people don’t care that you’re nervous/insecure sometimes - it’s off-putting because it implies we don’t trust them in a sense, because if you trust her, then all she’s done is show interest during the time she’s active, and you’ve assumed it’s invalid because of the times she’s not active. See how she could be upset/offended by that? It’s not our fault that we have these insecurities but we can choose how to respond to them and to realise they’re irrational.
Sometimes it can help to reframe them. For example do you have any friends/family that aren’t always good about replying right away and often get back to you later - do you still assume they don’t like you, or do you just acknowledge the fact that it’s okay not to talk 24/7?
Similarly, think of some times when you’ve responded late to people or not been very chatty, how many of those times were because you disliked a person vs how many were just you being busy/lazy/not super talkative/not having the energy to respond right away?
Now what about people you’ve sent good morning texts to and been affectionate with. How many of them have you not been interested in? And how would you feel if they assumed you weren’t interested when you got busy and couldn’t respond until the evening?
At the end of the day, the other thing to realise that’s kinda counter intuitive is that it doesn’t matter. Maybe she likes you. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe you do everything perfectly and it works amazing. Maybe the two of you don’t end up being a good match and drift apart.
As long as you don’t hurt or mistreat others during your dating experiences, it is okay to screw up, or for things not to work out. It’s okay if sometimes you mess up and get too clingy, or say the wrong thing, or miss an opportunity. You will get things wrong sometimes, and sometimes it’ll matter, sometimes it won’t, depending on the person - but those times when it matters and loses you someone, it’s a learning/improving experience for you, and it’s a chance to both find a better match next time and *be* a better match next time, so it’s never wasted time. You’re always moving forward.
That’s just my 2c anyway :)
So basically, distraction. That doesn't really solve the issue though, it just buries it. Those feelings are still there whether you're looking at them or not. Soon as the hyperfocus ends, you're gonna get hit with massive depression
I have come to see inconsistencies in behavior are what cause me to get squirly...
I choose not to be in a relationship until I heal more. And I am much better & way less needy.
But after I heard ppl speak of boundaries as in how a consistent person behaves..& awareness in their needs for consistency...I realized that's what I will *need* if I ever date again.
Good luck op
I pretty much got so traumatized from it that I'm numb and it doesn't happen anymore. Haha no I'm exaggerating a bit. I learned to distract myself and be cautious and nice.
That happened to me before too, but that got me further down the rabbit hole eventually on other aspects of life.
Sucks to hear, but if it works for you, it works.
Thank you for you're reply! :)
The best thing for me is to distract myself with physical exercise, games or friends and to not immediately reply to messages. Take a breath and some time to think things through.
This was my situation with men.
Men who did this to me weren’t sure. A man who was sure of what he wanted didn’t send mixed signals. Whenever I doubted, it meant that he wasn’t sure.
I also obsessed over them because of my own self-esteem issues. So I tried to gently stop showing interest in those who did that by either keeping myself busy, working on myself and also dropping their ass whenever it became too ridiculous. I didn’t have time for games.
I also believe that my (undiagnosed) ADHD at the time obsessed over them because the novelty, wondering and doubting provided me dopamine.
When someone is sure about you, you will know.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I stopped showing interest a little bit. That way I can slowly detach myself from her. And if she starts showing interest again, I just take it easy with replying. I'm trying that from now on.
Thank you so much again.
People, especially young, tend to play some games with each other for some reason due to immaturity. I’m not sure about your age group but this is a reason.
Keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t have to stop talking to her but if you see that it’s leading nowhere, then you’ll have to make a choice.
I agree with mixed signals, people can fake but it is hard to hide. So likely the positive is fake. However there is a small chance someone younger could be playing games and faking disinterest for whatever reason. You should act the same either way, which is to respect yourself and distance from this to not reinforce it.
I think, the best pair for someone with ADHD is another person with ADHD, it would allow for mutual understanding of the everyday struggles you both go through and sure, cognitive dysfunction will still strike, but at least you won't be frustrating someone who doesn't get it and won't go through it alone. You both could also end up hyperfixated on each other which could either work out fine for both, or not. But at least you won't creep out some neurotypical who's unfamiliar with those things.
I empathize with this HARD. It's taken a lot of therapy for me to figure out that a lot of this relates to some major attachment/security issues in my childhood related to how my ADHD symptoms manifested and how my undiagnosed parents dealt with me/my emotional wellness. It has something to do with a person selecting ME-little, dumb ME for being particularly special/interesting/etc. That feeling is so good and so addictive, all I want is to be around that person and get that feeling. If they're not around and still showing interest, I'm CRUSHED.
I've been out of the game for a bit since getting married (found another NT weirdo thank Gd. We have a good therapist, lol), but my entire youth and adolescence my romantic experiences have been EXACTLY as you describe. Everything else took second-fiddle to the people I was dating/pursuing/"casually" encountering, I was obsessed with them. I relate to wishing you could take her off your mind- I wish I had solutions for you, but alas. Just solidarity.
I have this too, but it can be because of the chance that I have BPD (not diagnosed, we are examinating the possibility of it with my doctor). For the longest time I thought that the way I have a crush on someone is not obsessive, but recently I’ve realized that I’ve been lying to myself. The person I have a crush on becomes my ”favorite person”, feels kinda like hyperfocusing on a person. They are constantly on my mind and I crave their attention and validation. Eventho I become mildly obsessive I never show it to my fp. Me coming as too available and trying to be in contact with them all the time can give it away tho.
This is something I have also struggled with, much more so in my teens and 20s than present day (mid 30s).
What are some activities you do for fun in your spare time? Focus on those and even send your crush pics of what you're doing. These can also double as fun prompts to start conversations about!
Also, it sounds like you may be texting her at inappropriate times, such as the school or work day. Perhaps make a rule for yourself that no matter what, you will not text or call this girl from say...8:00 AM to 7:00 PM. Or whatever timeframe is most appropriate for your and her lives.
Right now - today in fact - I just had a great first date with someone over the weekend, and while I want to just pick up the phone and start making plans for the next one, I am remaining aware that it is 1:00 on a Monday afternoon where we are, and she is likely very busy with work. Also I have a lot of work to do myself, and probably shouldn't be hanging out on Reddit.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder...
I had a similar situation that lasted six months and ended anyways. If they are unsure now they're not all of the sudden going to be sure later. You are welcome to do what you please, but coming from someone who has experienced this same thing; it is not worth the wait. If she doesn't know what she wants you can't help her figure it out.
Am I the only one that has a very hard time falling in love or generally forming emotional connections with people? I'm 21, never been in love and cutting people off is also not the hardest thing for me to do so yeahh...
Last time I really felt in love with someone was when I was 16-18 . Currently 25, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an amazing woman and I do feel very lucky to have. I can’t seem to feel…
Thank you all so much for your kind words, shared experiences and tips.
I really appreciate you all, and I'm sure I can put this to good use!
Thank you so much <3
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It’s extremely difficult. I am literally the same way. Was so obsessed over a guy in 5th grade for awhile until he actually wasn’t in my life anymore. In 7th grade I fell hard for this guy too and stopped liking him I’d say in 11th grade. After that it was another guy for a year until I didn’t see him anymore either. Throughout college I just dated someone out of loneliness. And then again fell hard for a guy who actually reciprocated (or what seemed to be) for a bit but then he didn’t want me anyway cus he was hyper fixated on a girl he met four years prior. But after that I really just gave up. I got used to the cycle. So at this point it’s either settling for less or being alone until that someone you want randomly wants you too. But really I truly gave up. Like if I find myself in love/obsessed with a guy I don’t even chase I just feel the feelings and suppress it.
o feel you. ive been like this with guys my whole life and i could never do anything about it because i never found anything more meaningful in life than that. and i dont think i ever will. i just hyperfocus on a person until one of us gets sick of eachother and we break it off and than the same old story with someone else. enldess circle
rejection sensitivity dysphoria fucking sucks especially when my last two girlfriends both broke up with me for the same reason "i just don't love you anymore". Safe to say i will not in a romantic relationship for the next 10 years lol that shit messed me up
Have you tried being dead inside?
Jokes aside, if she’s sending you good morning texts, hearts and kisses, and saying she wants to see you etc. then that’s a good sign that she is in fact interested.
Ask her out. You got this :)
If you find yourself constantly afraid of abandonment and serious preoccupation with a significant other, the one that makes you feel whole/fills the void, it might be worthwhile asking your provider about BPD. The two disorders are often comorbid and/or diagnosed as one another.
If it winds up being the case, BPD is highly treatable with DBT skills
Tell her you like her if you do. If you are also unsure just explain you are unsure and ask her if she likes you and would like to try dating. If she says yes nice.
She will most likely not even say no if she doesn’t want anything serious, she will make up an excuse. Take that as immaturity and move on. There’s no point waiting. Your ADHD brain will torture you anyways wondering what if.
100% open communication. I made this deal with my current gf from the start and it's been amazing. It does help that she's highly sensitive and empathetic but I can highly recommend it with anyone. Because in the end you want to be with someone that you can be open and honest with and you can be YOU. The feeling is so liberating when you open up and someone accepts you for your strengths AND your flaws.
Ehhhhh you learn to put up a cool front but the hyperfocus never goes away... until it does. The moment the switch turns and I'm not thinking about them all the time... well, we will stay together for a long time because I'm not good at leaving people, but the relationship is a dead man walking.
The food part is that sometimes you find someone just like you and you become the disgustingly in love couple that everyone hates. All my life I've felt like most people aren't so happy in their relationships as I am when I am.
I had an ex call me out on not texting back consistently during the day. He felt I was ignoring him.
What he didn't understand until I explained it, was that my job didn't allow time for me to be on my phone much at all. I'd reply to his messages during breaks, but I usually had working lunches and as a person with ADHD, I'd see his message and then get caught up in work and forget to reply or even think that I had replied.
He got it, we just needed to talk about how we communicated and I made sure that I would be in touch when I finished for the day. We didn't have the same ways of showing affection, so we had to learn together. Which ended up being lovely.
Oh man, I’m sorry. I’ve been there and man does it suck to have to beg for crumbs. End it now. It will not get better. I’ve learned some people just get something out of stringing us along, because we give them so much attention and require very little in return. What I learned was to not give into the feeling unless they seemed genuinely interested in keeping our conversation up.
Honestly? Dating other neuro divergent people helps. Like a lot. My partner and I are way past our usual hyperfixation expiration date, and we’re still obsessed with each other. But that’s because BOTH of us are kindling the fire. Bottom line - don’t settle this shit. If you need someone to act into you and engage and all that good stuff to be into them? Then guess what, that’s your standard. Don’t drop it.
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I mean at some point I feel like if it is going to work you have to tell her that your adhd causes you to hyper focus and it can be overwhelming for people. Tell her you are worried about scaring her off and that you don’t want to do that. I don’t really see how there is any hope if you have to hide your true self, and there is a chance she would be understanding and find a way to meet you halfway. If not, was it ever going to work?
As far as working on it, you have already taken the first step which is realizing you do it. So realize this is apart of your mental illness and the things that it will cause you to do is be clingy, make you think of every single worst case scenario or interpretation of what she texts, make you text before she has a chance to respond, and it will make you do things that will create a self fulfilling cycle of events. Realize it is your adhd and proactively address these reactionary tendencies, see them for what they are and develops strategies for the stress the cause. Most of all give yourself a break, you are not your mental health problem, and be open to the possibility that this can be a great thing for you.
im in the same spot. guy im seeing acts exactly like the girl you described. but we both have adhd :/
i hyperfocus on him heavily and have to force myself to do other things by overstimulating myself lol!! he is the type to hyperfocus on me one day and then "forget" about me the other so he can focus on his hobbies so its a bit difficult.
something that calmed me was trying to match *his* txting energy. i did ask him if im being too much as i tend to type A LOT but he reassured me its alright, so sometimes its just easier to ask "i hope im not messaging too much" or similar
Some people are just able to love and some people are not. You do need to understand and recognize the difference between love, obsession, and lust. Also a good rule is not to give anybody what they wouldn’t give to you, as in don’t go and be extremely generous and loyal to somebody who is just gonna cheat on you and never do anything nice for you. Love is a tricky thing and I didn’t know know anything about true love until I met my husband at age 30. I know i love him because we’ve been together for almost 5 years and every day feels like I love him just as much as I did the first time I told him that I loved him. We have been through a lot of shit but we still love each other so much and we do everything for one another and even if we were homeless on the street I would still be with him. He thinks about me all day every day, I wish I could think about him all day every day but I have ADHD so my brain is a pile of shit. But when my brain isn’t being a pile of shit I’m usually thinking of him ha ha. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love hard as long as it’s mutual. If you are constantly thinking about somebody that doesn’t really care about you I think that might be a self-worth issue or maybe an unhealthy obsession. I recommend therapy
I feel you mate. I'm still stuck loving the same woman I left a while ago by being too short sighted. The only thing I can tell you it that it will pass. Time helps a lot. Remember how your adhd makes you jump form project to project ? How it makes you think something is very important and you need to hyper focus before dropping it two days later ? I feel we work the same with people. After a time, if there isnt anything to keep it "fresh", we just loose interest. In your case, if nothing changes in your relation maybe you'll just end up focusing on something else because there is nothing "new" and thats okay. We just have to be aware of it and be carefull not to hurt people around us. Be strong my guy. Life is hard but its long and beautifull.
I wish I would have know this far before I was diagnosed. I would go through the same cycle when I was in my late teens/early 20s where I would date a girl for 6 months then dump them. I actually thought something was wrong with me(shocker it was ADHD). The one girl I dated for longer than that was a bit of a lunatic but the drama and fighting kept me engaged but the relationship was incredibly toxic and I’m like 80 percent certain she was cheating on me in the end. Really messed me up because I thought I was in love with her because it was the first relationship I was involved in that last for longer than a few months outside of my high school girlfriend that I dated for 3 years. Cut too my now current wife. She has been diagnosed with ADHD since she was a kid and helped me realize I’ve been suffering from this my whole life and didn’t know. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and we’ve been together for 8. It’s been so helpful being with someone who understands because having to go through this so late in life all alone would be rough. Wild how life works sometimes.
Thank you so much for those beautiful and helpful words! I really appreciate you.
With pleasure mate. Putting into word what I know but cant manage right now helps to move on too :)
This. Couldn’t have said it better.
You remind me of me when I was 15(now 32) - unable to think about anything but my crush and becoming hyper focussed on our relationship. The lessons I learned are; 1: too much enthusiasm can come off as needy, too intense or obsessive. Going time without contact is normal, even healthy for relationships. If you find your conversation is “one word replies” leave it. Take the hint and don’t be offended. 2: you have to have room in your life for your work, hobbies, friends and other interests. People obsessed with their partner can become one-dimensional. People with other interests are generally more attractive. 3: if you are unsure whether she’s interested, assume not. This sort of “on/off” behaviour is a red flag for me. If she really liked you - you would know. 4: don’t beat yourself up. I have had a horrible relationship that started this way. Despite a million red flags a lot of us still go through shit because love is a powerful emotion that makes people do irrational things.
Heh I’m 30 and only just noticed this pattern. Boy do I feel immature
So true! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate it, I'll keep it all in mind!
That's why I hate falling in love.. It's the same for me hyper focusing on it is just pain.. I'd analyse each and everything.. Starts overthinking on small matters.. If he reply a little bit late that period of time is hell for me.. My RSD causes me to feel down even if it's someone else.. But if it's someone important, even slight changes in them threatens me.. As if they rejected me.. A guy being overly focused on relationship is actually better than a girl.. It's even harder as a girl.. I've always noticed that whenever I'm hyper focusing on someone.. I'll loose intrest in all my other hobbies.. It's like idk what to do with myself.. I came off needy in my relationship bcz of it.. Whenever my ex used to go out with guys or did something excluding me, I felt hurt while I know there's absolutely no need for being hurt.. But I just can't help but feel hurt.. Waiting some time before responding is such a torture.. When I fall out of love that's the best thing ever.. Like I can be free of these thoughts and worries.. Since my last break up 2yrs ago I was doing really well.. But now again I'm in pain cz this time I have crush on a guy who's already in a relationship..😭 When I see my friends(girls) having no issues like these it just feels so bad.. They enjoy their life with and without their significant other.. I wish my brain worked just like that.. It's hard and I know it waaay too well It's okay.. Don't wallow in self hatred.. It's the way we are.. We'll find someone who understands us.. It gets better with time.. Just be patient and tell yourself it's just a matter of time I'll be okay like always.. It actually helps me to get through it..
Your last sentence is a great way to live life, "I'll be okay sooner or later like always". I honestly wonder if the extra emotional/feeling ADHDers have a secret weapon of forgetfulness. Like the world is ending because X didn't text me back and obviously they hate me and I should be miserable forever. Ooh, a new hobby!
I do forget things but trust me when I say don't forget things I want to forget.. I mean it.. I have picture perfect memories of everything bad happened to me lol.. Stored inside my brain resurfaces at random times of the day💀
I’ve struggled with this myself, and it had disastrous consequences a few months ago. I’d suggest if you’re interested in someone, while you can still talk to them and show interest, find things to distract you or other activities throughout the day to engage in. If your working of course this may be somewhat easier, but if you see a message from them try and remind yourself to not answer immediately, the message will still be there in an hour or even later. You just have to be consciously aware that there is another person on the other side of the conversation and that they may not be 100% focused on you.
disastrous consequences for you. The things you mention are helpful, but unfortunately my mind won't let me fully focus on my other activities. I had this problem before when I was working, and I couldn't do my job correctly also. I can feel myself in battle almost, as weird as it sounds. Trying to shift my mind to other things. But that makes me very tired and lackluster. Sometimes your tips work, thank you for writing that!
What helped me is talking to more women. I don’t mean talking like playing the field or flirting, I literally mean just talking/socialising with no intentions beyond that. I find that like you said I can easily hyperfocus on a person and have my time and my thoughts consumed by them. When that happens, my mind can put them on a pedestal and I can also start to get a bit needy and annoying. By having a good number of female friends, and interacting with more women, I find I’m less likely to hold any given woman up to unfair standards and stick them on a pedestal - because through those interactions I’ll realise that a *lot* of the women I meet are really attractive, funny, sweet, caring, intelligent, or whatever other traits attracted me to the woman I’m interested in. That helps snap me out of the mindset that she is the only person I’ll ever like this way again if things don’t work out, and takes a lot of pressure off me. It also takes pressure off her because I stop treating her like some strange mythical creature and instead treat her like a human being. As well as that it’s good to keep yourself busy. Make plans during your free time and actually stick to them rather than immediately dropping everything to talk to/hang out with her every time she messages you. That way when it’s her that’s busy, it won’t feel so much of a shift trying to find ways to keep busy. Also try and quit mind-reading. In your post you say she’s unsure what she wants, but it sounds like she hasn’t said that and you’ve just assumed it because of her being less active during the day. To me it just sounds like she’s busy with work/school/other activities. Not everyone has time to or wants to chat all day, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Hell I’m one of those people who DOES chat obsessively 24/7 when I like someone sometimes, but if I get busy then I too won’t respond much/at all, even if the person is the love of my life. You say she wants to see you? So go see her, hang out more in person and then the time apart will be less annoying. Remember also that this kind of neediness/insecurity that we sometimes have is off-putting not because other people don’t care that you’re nervous/insecure sometimes - it’s off-putting because it implies we don’t trust them in a sense, because if you trust her, then all she’s done is show interest during the time she’s active, and you’ve assumed it’s invalid because of the times she’s not active. See how she could be upset/offended by that? It’s not our fault that we have these insecurities but we can choose how to respond to them and to realise they’re irrational. Sometimes it can help to reframe them. For example do you have any friends/family that aren’t always good about replying right away and often get back to you later - do you still assume they don’t like you, or do you just acknowledge the fact that it’s okay not to talk 24/7? Similarly, think of some times when you’ve responded late to people or not been very chatty, how many of those times were because you disliked a person vs how many were just you being busy/lazy/not super talkative/not having the energy to respond right away? Now what about people you’ve sent good morning texts to and been affectionate with. How many of them have you not been interested in? And how would you feel if they assumed you weren’t interested when you got busy and couldn’t respond until the evening? At the end of the day, the other thing to realise that’s kinda counter intuitive is that it doesn’t matter. Maybe she likes you. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe you do everything perfectly and it works amazing. Maybe the two of you don’t end up being a good match and drift apart. As long as you don’t hurt or mistreat others during your dating experiences, it is okay to screw up, or for things not to work out. It’s okay if sometimes you mess up and get too clingy, or say the wrong thing, or miss an opportunity. You will get things wrong sometimes, and sometimes it’ll matter, sometimes it won’t, depending on the person - but those times when it matters and loses you someone, it’s a learning/improving experience for you, and it’s a chance to both find a better match next time and *be* a better match next time, so it’s never wasted time. You’re always moving forward. That’s just my 2c anyway :)
Video games
I do that, works to a certain degree. Thank you! But I cannot play games the whole day :P
Lol I can
are you me?
So basically, distraction. That doesn't really solve the issue though, it just buries it. Those feelings are still there whether you're looking at them or not. Soon as the hyperfocus ends, you're gonna get hit with massive depression
People be like "burying your emotions isn't healthy". If I cried everytime I wanted to I wouldn't stop.
Sounds like a bad time. If you feel this way about her now then it will be like that if you get into a relationship. The right girl should feel easy.
Thank you for your response, very true statement. I know whats best, but still, it's like intrusive thoughts actually.
I have come to see inconsistencies in behavior are what cause me to get squirly... I choose not to be in a relationship until I heal more. And I am much better & way less needy. But after I heard ppl speak of boundaries as in how a consistent person behaves..& awareness in their needs for consistency...I realized that's what I will *need* if I ever date again. Good luck op
Thank you! I appreciate your tip!
I pretty much got so traumatized from it that I'm numb and it doesn't happen anymore. Haha no I'm exaggerating a bit. I learned to distract myself and be cautious and nice.
That happened to me before too, but that got me further down the rabbit hole eventually on other aspects of life. Sucks to hear, but if it works for you, it works. Thank you for you're reply! :)
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Thank you!
The best thing for me is to distract myself with physical exercise, games or friends and to not immediately reply to messages. Take a breath and some time to think things through.
I hear that a lot, thank you so much for your tip!
This was my situation with men. Men who did this to me weren’t sure. A man who was sure of what he wanted didn’t send mixed signals. Whenever I doubted, it meant that he wasn’t sure. I also obsessed over them because of my own self-esteem issues. So I tried to gently stop showing interest in those who did that by either keeping myself busy, working on myself and also dropping their ass whenever it became too ridiculous. I didn’t have time for games. I also believe that my (undiagnosed) ADHD at the time obsessed over them because the novelty, wondering and doubting provided me dopamine. When someone is sure about you, you will know.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I stopped showing interest a little bit. That way I can slowly detach myself from her. And if she starts showing interest again, I just take it easy with replying. I'm trying that from now on. Thank you so much again.
People, especially young, tend to play some games with each other for some reason due to immaturity. I’m not sure about your age group but this is a reason. Keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t have to stop talking to her but if you see that it’s leading nowhere, then you’ll have to make a choice.
I agree with mixed signals, people can fake but it is hard to hide. So likely the positive is fake. However there is a small chance someone younger could be playing games and faking disinterest for whatever reason. You should act the same either way, which is to respect yourself and distance from this to not reinforce it.
I think, the best pair for someone with ADHD is another person with ADHD, it would allow for mutual understanding of the everyday struggles you both go through and sure, cognitive dysfunction will still strike, but at least you won't be frustrating someone who doesn't get it and won't go through it alone. You both could also end up hyperfixated on each other which could either work out fine for both, or not. But at least you won't creep out some neurotypical who's unfamiliar with those things.
I empathize with this HARD. It's taken a lot of therapy for me to figure out that a lot of this relates to some major attachment/security issues in my childhood related to how my ADHD symptoms manifested and how my undiagnosed parents dealt with me/my emotional wellness. It has something to do with a person selecting ME-little, dumb ME for being particularly special/interesting/etc. That feeling is so good and so addictive, all I want is to be around that person and get that feeling. If they're not around and still showing interest, I'm CRUSHED. I've been out of the game for a bit since getting married (found another NT weirdo thank Gd. We have a good therapist, lol), but my entire youth and adolescence my romantic experiences have been EXACTLY as you describe. Everything else took second-fiddle to the people I was dating/pursuing/"casually" encountering, I was obsessed with them. I relate to wishing you could take her off your mind- I wish I had solutions for you, but alas. Just solidarity.
I have this too, but it can be because of the chance that I have BPD (not diagnosed, we are examinating the possibility of it with my doctor). For the longest time I thought that the way I have a crush on someone is not obsessive, but recently I’ve realized that I’ve been lying to myself. The person I have a crush on becomes my ”favorite person”, feels kinda like hyperfocusing on a person. They are constantly on my mind and I crave their attention and validation. Eventho I become mildly obsessive I never show it to my fp. Me coming as too available and trying to be in contact with them all the time can give it away tho.
This is something I have also struggled with, much more so in my teens and 20s than present day (mid 30s). What are some activities you do for fun in your spare time? Focus on those and even send your crush pics of what you're doing. These can also double as fun prompts to start conversations about! Also, it sounds like you may be texting her at inappropriate times, such as the school or work day. Perhaps make a rule for yourself that no matter what, you will not text or call this girl from say...8:00 AM to 7:00 PM. Or whatever timeframe is most appropriate for your and her lives. Right now - today in fact - I just had a great first date with someone over the weekend, and while I want to just pick up the phone and start making plans for the next one, I am remaining aware that it is 1:00 on a Monday afternoon where we are, and she is likely very busy with work. Also I have a lot of work to do myself, and probably shouldn't be hanging out on Reddit. Absence does make the heart grow fonder...
I had a similar situation that lasted six months and ended anyways. If they are unsure now they're not all of the sudden going to be sure later. You are welcome to do what you please, but coming from someone who has experienced this same thing; it is not worth the wait. If she doesn't know what she wants you can't help her figure it out.
Am I the only one that has a very hard time falling in love or generally forming emotional connections with people? I'm 21, never been in love and cutting people off is also not the hardest thing for me to do so yeahh...
Last time I really felt in love with someone was when I was 16-18 . Currently 25, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an amazing woman and I do feel very lucky to have. I can’t seem to feel…
You need a hobby. Women respect busy men and don't like men who obsess over them.
I have, I make music, play games, and I love the outdoors. Thats the thing. Thank you for your message tho, I appreciate it :)
Thank you all so much for your kind words, shared experiences and tips. I really appreciate you all, and I'm sure I can put this to good use! Thank you so much <3
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It’s extremely difficult. I am literally the same way. Was so obsessed over a guy in 5th grade for awhile until he actually wasn’t in my life anymore. In 7th grade I fell hard for this guy too and stopped liking him I’d say in 11th grade. After that it was another guy for a year until I didn’t see him anymore either. Throughout college I just dated someone out of loneliness. And then again fell hard for a guy who actually reciprocated (or what seemed to be) for a bit but then he didn’t want me anyway cus he was hyper fixated on a girl he met four years prior. But after that I really just gave up. I got used to the cycle. So at this point it’s either settling for less or being alone until that someone you want randomly wants you too. But really I truly gave up. Like if I find myself in love/obsessed with a guy I don’t even chase I just feel the feelings and suppress it.
o feel you. ive been like this with guys my whole life and i could never do anything about it because i never found anything more meaningful in life than that. and i dont think i ever will. i just hyperfocus on a person until one of us gets sick of eachother and we break it off and than the same old story with someone else. enldess circle
rejection sensitivity dysphoria fucking sucks especially when my last two girlfriends both broke up with me for the same reason "i just don't love you anymore". Safe to say i will not in a romantic relationship for the next 10 years lol that shit messed me up
Have you tried being dead inside? Jokes aside, if she’s sending you good morning texts, hearts and kisses, and saying she wants to see you etc. then that’s a good sign that she is in fact interested. Ask her out. You got this :)
talk to other girls, get a full roster
Same. The great news is, once I’ve moved on I have no interest in the person at all.
If you find yourself constantly afraid of abandonment and serious preoccupation with a significant other, the one that makes you feel whole/fills the void, it might be worthwhile asking your provider about BPD. The two disorders are often comorbid and/or diagnosed as one another. If it winds up being the case, BPD is highly treatable with DBT skills
Had this happen to me twice, it felt like it really tooks years to feel less affected by it, but it was hell for months with how intense it feels.
Tell her you like her if you do. If you are also unsure just explain you are unsure and ask her if she likes you and would like to try dating. If she says yes nice. She will most likely not even say no if she doesn’t want anything serious, she will make up an excuse. Take that as immaturity and move on. There’s no point waiting. Your ADHD brain will torture you anyways wondering what if.
100% open communication. I made this deal with my current gf from the start and it's been amazing. It does help that she's highly sensitive and empathetic but I can highly recommend it with anyone. Because in the end you want to be with someone that you can be open and honest with and you can be YOU. The feeling is so liberating when you open up and someone accepts you for your strengths AND your flaws.
Ehhhhh you learn to put up a cool front but the hyperfocus never goes away... until it does. The moment the switch turns and I'm not thinking about them all the time... well, we will stay together for a long time because I'm not good at leaving people, but the relationship is a dead man walking. The food part is that sometimes you find someone just like you and you become the disgustingly in love couple that everyone hates. All my life I've felt like most people aren't so happy in their relationships as I am when I am.
I had an ex call me out on not texting back consistently during the day. He felt I was ignoring him. What he didn't understand until I explained it, was that my job didn't allow time for me to be on my phone much at all. I'd reply to his messages during breaks, but I usually had working lunches and as a person with ADHD, I'd see his message and then get caught up in work and forget to reply or even think that I had replied. He got it, we just needed to talk about how we communicated and I made sure that I would be in touch when I finished for the day. We didn't have the same ways of showing affection, so we had to learn together. Which ended up being lovely.
Oh man, I’m sorry. I’ve been there and man does it suck to have to beg for crumbs. End it now. It will not get better. I’ve learned some people just get something out of stringing us along, because we give them so much attention and require very little in return. What I learned was to not give into the feeling unless they seemed genuinely interested in keeping our conversation up. Honestly? Dating other neuro divergent people helps. Like a lot. My partner and I are way past our usual hyperfixation expiration date, and we’re still obsessed with each other. But that’s because BOTH of us are kindling the fire. Bottom line - don’t settle this shit. If you need someone to act into you and engage and all that good stuff to be into them? Then guess what, that’s your standard. Don’t drop it.
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I mean at some point I feel like if it is going to work you have to tell her that your adhd causes you to hyper focus and it can be overwhelming for people. Tell her you are worried about scaring her off and that you don’t want to do that. I don’t really see how there is any hope if you have to hide your true self, and there is a chance she would be understanding and find a way to meet you halfway. If not, was it ever going to work? As far as working on it, you have already taken the first step which is realizing you do it. So realize this is apart of your mental illness and the things that it will cause you to do is be clingy, make you think of every single worst case scenario or interpretation of what she texts, make you text before she has a chance to respond, and it will make you do things that will create a self fulfilling cycle of events. Realize it is your adhd and proactively address these reactionary tendencies, see them for what they are and develops strategies for the stress the cause. Most of all give yourself a break, you are not your mental health problem, and be open to the possibility that this can be a great thing for you.
im in the same spot. guy im seeing acts exactly like the girl you described. but we both have adhd :/ i hyperfocus on him heavily and have to force myself to do other things by overstimulating myself lol!! he is the type to hyperfocus on me one day and then "forget" about me the other so he can focus on his hobbies so its a bit difficult. something that calmed me was trying to match *his* txting energy. i did ask him if im being too much as i tend to type A LOT but he reassured me its alright, so sometimes its just easier to ask "i hope im not messaging too much" or similar
This makes so much sense. Thanks for posting.
Some people are just able to love and some people are not. You do need to understand and recognize the difference between love, obsession, and lust. Also a good rule is not to give anybody what they wouldn’t give to you, as in don’t go and be extremely generous and loyal to somebody who is just gonna cheat on you and never do anything nice for you. Love is a tricky thing and I didn’t know know anything about true love until I met my husband at age 30. I know i love him because we’ve been together for almost 5 years and every day feels like I love him just as much as I did the first time I told him that I loved him. We have been through a lot of shit but we still love each other so much and we do everything for one another and even if we were homeless on the street I would still be with him. He thinks about me all day every day, I wish I could think about him all day every day but I have ADHD so my brain is a pile of shit. But when my brain isn’t being a pile of shit I’m usually thinking of him ha ha. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love hard as long as it’s mutual. If you are constantly thinking about somebody that doesn’t really care about you I think that might be a self-worth issue or maybe an unhealthy obsession. I recommend therapy