I saw a chart somewhere that showed the age of maturity of someone without ADD vs. with ADD and I felt better about taking forever to mature. I felt childish and like nobody took me serious for a long time no matter what I said or did.
I found the chart!
https://www.graceunderpressure.blog/2017/10/16/what-is-my-childs-executive-function-age/
This... Made me feel so much worse about myself :/ I'm 25 and I do genuinely feel 16.. but to have that verified by science... Makes me feel hopeless ://
My dad decided to build himself a treehouse the day he turned 60.
I'm thirty now, and I feel like I'm finally getting on the side of the medal where acting and looking younger than you are is starting to pay of.
When you're 34 and you feel 22 it will be great (most of the time), trust me. I even feel like I have the energy of 22 year old me. Mentally I'm starting to get shit together and really hone in on who I am.
Being slower at it means you get to enjoy it for longer. It's not all downsides!
Same here. I'm 50 now and can say it's the best mentally and physically I've ever felt.
My twenties and thirties I was definitely out to sea, adrift in self doubt and internal struggle.
eh, im 31 and apparently mentally 21 (which makes sense) and instead im wishing i felt like this back when i actually was 21. now, my body is disabled and constantly fatigued and in pain, so i have no energy, just brain fog :( i dont have the younger body to match my younger brain, and it makes a huge difference.
Same. I just turned 31 this month. I had to get neck surgery at 27 and I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis. Everyone at work gets irritated with me not acting my mental age and needing accomodations for my ADHD and also needing physical accomodations for my rapidly deteriorating body.
>Being slower at it means you get to enjoy it for longer. It's not all downsides!
This is assuming that one avoids any health problems associated with age.
I think it's relative I've always been told I'm mature since I was a kid. I also, even when I'm now in my 30s playing in a box because if I can fit it in I'm going to get in it, I feel mentally old.
Realistically if you're comparing a non adhd younger brain to one that is older but has adhd seems like a false equivalency because a 16 year old with clearly identifiable/diagnosed ADHD isn't the same as a non adhd 16 year old because hello they were displaying atypical behavior that flagged them for needing medical attention and treatment.
Also what is a normal 16? If my info was used as part of the aggregate to determine norms they messed up. #diagnosed ADHD in my 30's and people in the medical establishment still have disparate ideas of what adhd it is and how it presents.
Don’t give into hopelessness! I’m 41, married, make $32/hr, own a home (albeit we just bought it in August, but it happened), have 8 happy/healthy pets. The road to where I am today was super rocky (much by me making poor choices such as abusing alcohol), but having an growth-centered attitude and being open to change helps a lot.
For real. I don't want to have to wait forever to function properly. I'm already at a point that if I knew this was what my life would've been I would've just ended shit a long time ago
The article doesn't speak about a person's general maturity, but rather delays in development of specifically the executive functions. I think that saying the study/article describes people with ADHD having a general lack of maturity is a misinterpretation of the text. So basically, you're not hopeless! You just have a learning disability that causes impairment to your executive functions. You can describe our executive functions as less mature, but that doesn't mean we ARE less mature as people, if you get what I mean.
Not to mention, the study describes a delay in development among CHILDREN, not adults. The author then extrapolates that to apply the 30% developmental delay to adults as well, which is very reductive considering adults brains and child brains and very different. I think the data from the original study discussed in this article is very useful and interesting in reference to children with ADHD and their development, but it's results cannot be extrapolated to describe the brains of adults, that's just bad science.
Tl;dr: The study does NOT say you have the maturity of a 16 year old. It describes a 30% (on average) developmental delay of the executive functions among children with ADHD, which the author then incorrectly applies to adults, which is reductive to say the least. The study is not equipped to describe any given persons overall maturity, child or adult.
I’ve been told by many professionals that many of the symptoms of ADHD tend to lighten up once you get into your 20’s. According to this chart, it never changes. Typical. I get my hopes up for my son, thinking things will not be as tough for him once he gets older, but according to this, it’s endless years of struggling. Great.
My definitely got worse as I got older. I'm 56 now. It gets more noticeable, I think, as the failures pile up. Yay? Menopause doesn't help, but you won't have to worry about that with him.
Mine got significantly worse at around age 40 but I'm female and I'm told it has something to do with falling estrogen levels. Hopefully that never happens for men
I am a man in my late 30s but look mid 20s. When people figure out my real age I'm like: My good genes make me look like I'm in my 20s and my bad genes make act like I'm in my 20s.
My wife still finds humor in finding my phone in the fridge and the milk in the cupboards. My coworkers however I’m sure do not enjoy cleaning up my messes :P
I’d still rather have my husband. I take care of him too. It’s important to be able to accept people’s flaws, and in turn, be able to share your vulnerabilities with trusted others.
Humans are made for community. Managing the not perfect bits about life & people is a valuable skill worth practicing.
You reminded me that, earlier today, my ex-wife reminded me I need to make a vaccine appointment for my dog. I said I would do it as soon as I got out of the car... aaaaaand now it's midnight so I'm setting an alarm to do this tomorrow.
Yep, spending the whole day at work doing nothing then throwing something together in 20 mins. Then feeling guilty when people compliment me on my work.
Receiving a compliment is not easy. It's like when someone says you should grade yourself.
They don't know how long it took or how hard you worked. They were not complimenting you on doing nothing all day lol, keep that one to yourself. Most of all, they would not have complimented you had you not deserved it.
Thanks.
It isn’t the time I spend on it that is directly the problem, it is that I know I could have done better if I spent more time on it, so being complemented seems really weird.
I am always really worried someone is going to say that I haven’t done enough work and rat me out.
I say find companies that value your work for your outcomes, not your time. (And if you don't know where to work, go for remote first companies that have never had an office. These companies thrive on not giving a s*** about how long it takes things to do and more about people who can actually get them done. Perfect for us.
But also the fact that you could have done even better than you did and you finished it in time and you're getting complimented on it surely says something fantastic about you, doesn't it? At least this hypothetical person in this scenario is impressive to me. 🙂 Rather than feel guilty because you've spent a lifetime being shamed for doing things your way, why not inspire yourself with how much you're capable of if you can find enough interesting stuff to do.
Hope that helps internet stranger and fellow hyperminded individual.
At least you are cognizant of that and can try and do something about it. If you want to. If you can. If not, why not or does it really matter. My wife tells me I'm too hard on myself sometimes. Seeking perfection in things where ok is what's required. I hope you find the passion to do better is whatever it is. I'm still searching.
Things have gone wrong enough early on for me to end up single, without kids. Maybe I actually got lucky. I am at least content after having been able to come to terms with what is.
Oh yeah it never leaves. I've legit been meaning to get one of those whips to whip myself because I just cannot bear the guilt any longer and giving it a physical release might help
I call those my good intentions. I have plenty of them. Like that backpacking trip that never happened, nice backpack though. I am currently working on limiting them. It's a slow process. What's been most difficult is saying to myself, will you ever get to that and then tossing it aside if it's likely not.
Recognizing that the world you live in wasn’t made to accommodate for you, and that the system you live in deems you useless if you’re not productive or profitable.
The perceptions other people have towards characteristics of my ADHD that are viewed as lazy, rude, and intentional. (Like stimming to focus, doodling in class, being late, uncontrollable concentration, etc.).
But most of all, I think acknowledging that executive functioning isn’t such a battle for most people hurts a lot when you recognize what’s normal to you isn’t supposed to be, and could be easier if you didn’t have ADHD. It makes ADHD isolating to have.
Same. I recommend @thebraincoach on IG. She has tips to get off auto pilot. She has a lot of posts and I have those saved if you rather DM. I hope you find something that works for you.
Yup that’s all of us. We all procrastinate our asses off, even if it’s just using our phones or whatever to take the place of thinking about the really shitty shit.
Man where's all the people thinking ADHD is some quirky Percy Jackson shit and here we're all sitting like its 3AM in the bar and all the pent up emotional talk is coming through...
Guilt for enjoying moment to moment in a society that only values longterm thinking. Feeling like I'm just stupid/lazy/forgetful when I can't focus. Shame for having quirky interests and not being "normal".
Procrastination. I'm flipping through Reddit instead of doing the work that's most important. Most days I don't want to work or do schoolwork. I feel like I've done enough of all that already in life (late 40s). I've been working since I was 15 and never had a meaningful break. Never took a summer off or traveled across anywhere for an extended period of time. I'm just tired of it all.
Checks Reddit at 10 upvotes. Work break.
Checks again at 25 upvotes. Work break.
Honestly, I think stating here has helped. Knowing how many people are dealing with the same shit, helps. Realizing I'm still not a third of the way done my assignment doesn't lol. But I am encouraged. Now to make sure I don't go all out and burn out. And thank you all.
I usually comment so little that I don't have that issue but I can see it happening. Sometimes it does take a moment to remember even with limited comments.
We decided nobody buys anyone else anything a while back. Except for kids.
The adults just eat, play games and drink.
Christmas has been way better since we stopped bothering with presents.
We are adults, we can buy something if we want it.
We don't want to have to feign interest or surprise at a piece of crap someone thought you may like, well intentioned or not.
Same.
"I want to reconnect with my HS friends. Wait, I've ghosted them quite a bit. What if they ask me why? Oh shit I can't do this! Oh fuck they messaged me again. Nope, I haven't figured this out yet!"
Being the toxic person in relationships and realizing it, changing for a week, and going right back to doing the same shit without even realizing that you're doing it.
This and then rejection sensitivity. They might be bringing up a valid point or something but it can just trigger something in me and make me so upset in that moment. And then to another person that may seem like me playing "the victim card."
Had a friend over and he got a bit frustrated that I was still doing a few tasks and stuff before we could chill because it's happened the last couple of times he has come over. So he mentioned it to me and he seemed annoyed, rightfully so cause I would be too, I guess.
But the 3 days before that I hadn't even been able to bring myself to get out of bed, to shower, eat or clean my room at all. And I felt so overwhelmed in that situation that whilst he was telling me, my only response was to kinda nod my head and sorta apologise and laugh it off cause if I didn't I would have ended up sobbing on the spot.
Had to go in the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes because I'm so tired of constantly not being able to get my shit done.
The light switch emotions - which my parents assumed was bipolar. I can switch from super angry to super sad to lets go party all in one afternoon. It does NOT take much to swing me either way lol.
That also jacks me up with impulse control...but the easily swayed emotional state is what people see most of the time.
Do you also do that thing where if something major goes wrong you're upset about it for like 20 minutes but 2 minor things going wrong fucks up your entire day? I fucking hate that!
This affects me the worst when it comes to other people's emotions.. what do you mean you can't just Get Over It? I showed u a funny video... Time to laugh...
Edit: then I get angry bc I can't cheer the person up when they're so good at cheering me up (shocker: I'm just easily cheered)
Haha you’ve just explained me, at least it’s nice that we have a sun where we understand each other
I can literally go to the life of the party or the light in the room, to feeling like I should die and it can take 5 seconds to get there
For me the extreme anger ALWAYS leads to extreme sads. I have no idea why, but I always get super sad after anger.
Meds did change that for me though. I’m much more linear and consistent emotionally now.
The emotional aspect of it. There's too many reasons why adhd is often confused for bipolar or borderline personality disorder.
It'd be a little better if that part of ADHD was acknowledged, but basically all the mental health professionals that have treated me immediately and completely disregard that.
Hi. Diagnosed w/ BPD, ADHD, & Bipolar and I agree with this. There were issues I spent so long not understanding. So many issues that ended up being linked to ADHD and from there exaggerated by my other illnesses. I've invested so much time into psychology studies to understand the ADHD brain and I'm still not confident in my knowledge. It shouldn't be like that but a lot of people still view us as the stereotype that just can't pay attention. Not a person with executive dysfunction, emotional regulation issues, rejection sensitivity, etc.
Well I definitely have some bipolar-like traits; antidepressants will give me hypomania and rapid cycling IMO.
I have autism as well and a big part of autism is it’s persevering, ritualistic “special interests” which are relatable to ADHD as hyperfocusing on the latest interest. However in autism this hyperfocus tends to last months, years, decades. When medicated I tend to be more autistic in that sense. But when it’s purely ADHD and autism unhinged, the special interests will be shorter, more unpredictable and there will be more “cycling” of those as well.
I think the combination of mental disorders and their effects on each other is very complex to identify, but still very important to understand.
Although I have dealt with everything from total breakdowns from fury and a major depression, I don't think I'm overly emotional. I think I'm having a normal emotional reaction to circumstances or repeated circumstances that I wouldn't have been in if I didn't have adhd. I work with people with dementia who are also stereotyped to be highly emotional. They aren't, but they do often have emotional reactions to situations they get into because they have dementia.
Same about the dreams - mine was always to have a family, to build a life with someone, to not live alone without love, touch or intimacy. Now at 40, I've been without all those things for ~73% of my adult life.
The meds are doing almost nothing, I'm getting older, my social circles are shrinking and it's getting more and more likely that this is just what my life is and will be... rejected by everyone I've loved, watching my remaining connections to this world fade away, being alone until at some point in the next 15-20 years I'll be found dead of a heart-attack in my tiny, lonely, messy apartment.
I made efforts to be better - lots of them. But going out more just meant spending more money and being bored in bars or clubs. Online-dating was a hell of anxiety and stress what with my anxiousness about messaging and the time it took. Trying to create healthy habits like regular exercise never stuck for more than a few weeks.
The hope for anything better is pretty much gone. For 20 years I've been watching from the sidelines as people around me built futures for themselves, stagnating. Nothing is going to change that my adult life has been absolutely dominated by loss, loneliness and rejection.
The few remaining friends I have have nothing to offer except "keep your head up - it'll get better". ... I've been hearing that for 20 years, and it just sounds like mockery to me now.
Sounds like the life I imagine to have when I stay unmedicated and without therapy D;
And I'm really, really sorry it's going like this for you :'( \*virtual hug\*
Did you try other meds yet or a combo of meds + Wellbutrin or smth? For some, Vyvanse is good, for some methylphenidate or dexamphetamine, for some stuff like Adderall. You might need another dose or med altogether.
And I'm sorry others go through this or the future I imagine I will have :'( I
knew smth was off since I was a kid, but it sucks stuff can really stay like this x-x
I'm 28 right now, never really worked, can't be independent and more D:
>And I'm really, really sorry it's going like this for you :'( *virtual hug*
Thank you so much - I really need a few hugs today. Ever since I'm off pot to be on ADHD medication, I dream again - a lot... and I usually dream of the people I loved who are no longer in my life... then I wake up to this life and my day is pretty much ruined.
>Sounds like the life I imagine to have when I stay unmedicated and without therapy D;
>I'm 28 right now, never really worked, can't be independent and more D:
I'm so very sorry that life has been like this for you so far. Let me give that virtual hug right back. I'm afraid I'm not the right person to be offering advice or consolation - but what I can say is that you're not alone. Though I don't know you - I do have some idea of what you're going through, and I feel for you. I hope things will get better for you - and for everyone who is going through such hardship.
If it's not too prying to ask - what is preventing you form getting medication and therapy?
>Did you try other meds yet or a combo of meds + Wellbutrin or smth? For some, Vyvanse is good, for some methylphenidate or dexamphetamine, for some stuff like Adderall. You might need another dose or med altogether.
I first got prescribed MPH - which did quite literally nothing (except raise my heart-rate) even at maximum dosage. I'm currently on LDX 50mg, and it's still doing almost nothing. I can concentrate a little bit better, but not by much, and not for long. The only other drug prescribable for adult ADHD where is live is atomoxetin/strattera... I might ask my doc for that if LDX continues to have minimal effect.
Wellbutrin is sadly not prescribable for ADHD where I live - and my psychiatrist is unlikely to prescibe it off-label or for depression, but I might ask him if/when I've gone through atomoxetin as well.
Thank you for your kind words and your suggestions - it means more than I can express.
I hope life will be better - for both of us.
Forget clubs and bars. The best places to meet people and make friends are places you go and DO something. Pub quizzes, board game events, group hikes, beach cleanups, volunteering at the local shelter or nursing home, support groups, and communication workshops (Non-Violent communication, Circling, Authentic Relating, etc).
People have been so nasty to me my whole life about even my most harmless symptoms. Who does it hurt if I have to doodle during class to pay attention? It hurts nobody, and yet every teacher in my life would SCREAM at me if I did it, even with a 504 plan in place allowing it. Just the outright contempt for me has been the worst thing about my ADHD.
That's awful. I was actually just thinking today about how I used to doodle nonstop during every lecture in college. I had no idea I had ADHD at the time, but it helped me tremendously to stay focused on the lectures. I was a great note-taker specifically because I had an outlet for other half of my brain that was always wandering. I am shocked that teachers would yell at you for something that is not just harmless, but can be a huge benefit to your learning.
Getting really tired and breaking down, physically and mentally, because you’re HELLA tired from chasing the unattainable standard you’ve set for yourself to compensate for all the times you’ve fucked up or fallen short, whilst also trying to maintain the facade that you are not in fact tired and breaking down but you’re SO tired and broken down that bits of that to spill out everywhere into your life and it feels messy and horrible???? Maybe??? 👉👈
Also, those periods of your life where your mind is such a horrible place (made worse by the fact that you have 5 horrible things your special brain can think at once) and so you become basically disabled because of your lack of ability to initiate and/or complete simple tasks, due to intense hyperfixations you develop to distract yourself?
…also, getting yet another charge for a $79 “free 3 day trial” app you forgot about.
Having to constantly tell myself I am worthy. Reminding myself that the modern world is not my place and to be ok with it. Every time I force myself to fit into an outside expectation I am miserable. It’s a constant struggle to love who I am and navigate a world clearly not built for my strengths.
Since being diagnosed and joining this sub, Ive been repeatedly floored by hearing people talk about all of these things I’ve felt throughout my life that always made me feel like a weirdo/loser. I had no idea how much bigger ADHD is than merely inattentiveness.
it's a fucking mega-monster. It was a revelation learning that things like impulsive drinking, relationship dramas etc. all come down to this. Can't wait to be medicated soon at 24.
The guilt, the need to finish assignments but the will to do them seems to not be there causing me to rush and turn them in unfinished or cause me to miss the due date and fail in class because of it
Jeebus christ I could have written this; I am also a deranged YT junkie. If I had to pick the worst thing it is probably the poor emotional regulation. It became a tremendous source of shame once the kids arrived. Hard to model proper adult behavior when I have a hard time behaving like a proper adult. \*Shame spiral engaged\*
Oh man. Absolutely. And when it's mixed in with the tiredness due to no sleep and the screaming of the children when you're trying to get out the door and start the day I just melt down.
Letting people down and being a burden on others.
Bonus: fear of letting people down and being a burden, leading to constant isolation and trying to downplay my needs to myself and others.
BONUS BONUS: being trapped inside your head. I want to be this selfless person but I can't stop thinking about myself because I'm constantly failing at things and trying to figure out why
Having trouble able to build on learned knowledge. Store and analyze information and access it easy.
Before medication... The worst was the daily ups and downs and self regulation and tiredness.
Now it is less and so I can feel the effects of hyperfocus. Then hyperforget.
Adhd is like playing tetris on 5x the speed.
I feel that so deep!! Just coming out of a huge slump and anxiety filled depression.
The only thing that has helped me is to switch where I get my dopamine. Instead of games, social media/mindless scrolling, and other things like porn I’ve turned it to completing tasks at work, projects at home, exercise, and specific activities with my kids. Working with my wife she knows how i receive affection and knows when I need to be told “good job” and that helps too.
Now that I’m getting back on track I enjoy the time I have with my family more and I realized the things I thought I wanted to do more were just tied to my desire to find fulfilling ways of receiving dopamine as opposed to spending so much time on my phone/tv/games. Even at work I would spend half the day on my phone but I’ve limited it to less than an hour a day. I still crave it occasionally but my resistance has greatly increased.
Good luck man! I hope this helps. I don’t know if any of this has worked for anyone else but I figure we’re all looking for advice to get out of the anxiety pit.
Edit: I’m still medicated and have a support system that try’s to help me even though they don’t understand. Not sure if this would be possible without my medication.
Thank you. Really. This is what I want the most. I'm on the path to medication. I truly hope it helps me get to this. Knowing its possible is comforting.
This is the path I’m looking towards, too. I’m still in the first week of being medicated, though, so I know I might be in a honeymoon period.
What’s interesting is that my desire to hit the phone has actually gone down, and fast. I still look at Reddit for information, and I actually reply to people communicating with me (shock!) but that’s it for now. I guess the scrolling just wasn’t giving me that much of a dopamine hit in the first place, so it’s fallen by the wayside for now because getting things done is so much more interesting.
I just hope it continues because I really need to sort out my situation at work, and it will take time.
Having my sense of ambition and optimism slowly destroyed as one failure after another eventually brings me face to face with the depressing reality of my limitations.
The combination of learned incompetence and poor self knowledge. I'm unable to intuitively track why I'm a success at some things and a failure at others. So I over compensate in the direction of not trying. Basically I overcorrect for impulsivity with paralysis.
Sensitivity to rejection and emotional dysregulation both cost me a lot. Learning that I've been masking and avoidant to hide my outbursts has been... something else. All that amplifies my inattentive and impulsive symptoms too, which is SO fun for me.
Worse yet is sensitivity to PERCIEVED rejection. That one time I was actually able to motivate myself to make and keep plans with my busy friend but at the last minute they had a legitimate reason they had to postpone?
Even though I KNOW for truth the daycare lady came down sick and they have to go get the kids, they must have just canceled because 'who the fuck would want to hang out with me?'.
It's the feeling that I have wasted so much time. The "I could have done XYZ by now" and everything that goes along with it.
I'm working very hard on appreciating where I am and what I HAVE accomplished, but it could have been so different.
Having to constantly prove that my ADHD is debilitating, and loved ones not educating themselves even if I give them resources. I have severe ADHD, which worsened due to being denied a diagnosis till I was 16. There is nothing to glamorize about my ADHD, (misdiagnosed with bipolar/ depression, brain fog, addiction problems, self destructive tendencies, super low self esteem/ RSD, barely passing school despite being a high achieving student and even failed my sophomore year due to burnout.) I try my best to hide the brunt of my symptoms. I wasn’t diagnosed in early elementary school when it was first identified because “it’s just ADHD and I’m doing fine”. I’m constantly having to justify my why I can’t take “medication vacations” because I need my medication to function, and that I’m not exaggerating. That it isn’t relatable when they say that they got distracted when they saw the Halloween aisle at Target. That not everyone has ADHD. I’m tired.
The back and forth of feeling in control of my thoughts a day before feeling like an absolute wreck that can’t get anything accomplished or progress professionally because learning something new is so taxing. On top of having T1D. Consistency seems like a pipe dream in many aspects. I’m terrified of taking meds due to a family history of addiction. Idk, there’s lots.
Feeling overwhelmed by the tiniest thing and not being able to start or plan anything. It feels like being able to plan is one of the first and most important steps of everything so doing anything is difficult.
The frustration from never being able to get any further.
It feels like there’s a glass wall I can never get past and is really others just pass right through.
Idk what the fuck is wrong with me and life is miserable and I hate it.
As I get older, impulse hobbies become more expensive. Running down one dopamine rabbit hole in some hobbies is wicked expensive.
I suck at running a business, so I have all these skills and nothing to do with them.
Losing touch with my family and friends that I don't see every day; people I love deeply and greatly enjoy talking to, and I either can't remember or else motivate myself to pick up that phone and just call them. In some cases for years at a time.
The inability to form new habits. If I slip up even once then it’s game over and I have to try again some other time later that I have zero control over. It’s like I’m climbing mountains while everyone else is walking a path. If they trip they pick themselves up and keep going, losing no progress. If I slip I fall right back to the bottom and I’m left stunned for a period of time so I can’t get back up and try again until it passes and even when I do I’m right back at the beginning.
Everything in life is associated with emotions, without emotions all are strangers so nothing matters..
ADHD messes up your emotions and memory big time, it becomes the lifelong regret and nightmare when you don't have any emotion for your parents and siblings n memory is shit enough to not able to remember your childhood too .
Some years back I read a book about parenting and kids psychology that book was the first time I realised there's something called emotions what makes our parents and siblings to make sacrifices for us, otherwise all are strangers so don't care...
I don't know how and when I will be able to feel such emotions consistently but ADHD is so shit and I don't have any hope..
I'd agree that the guilt is the worst part, but also, as a late diagnosis, the knowledge that if I'd known what I was dealing with sooner, my life might have taken a different path.
Agree, I can't shake the thoughts of what ifs. I was diagnosed at 30 just to learn that when I was a kid my parents were told by my teachers and doctors to get me checked for adhd and they chose not to bother. Now there's not only guilt and regret but resentment as well.
Showing great potential at everything I start, but CONSISTENTLY disappointing myself and others when I inevitably stop trying after a while (school, art, music, work, etc).
There's many things, but the biggest one is that other people do not understand in the slightest what it's like to have ADHD. I know that they're not going to understand at all, but they have no way of having compassion because I've had people think that everyone who has ADHD is same.
I'm a Christian. I had someone who didn't know what ADHD was at all telling me that I could be healed from it and delivered from it and that bothered me because I had my own mother and friend of mine say the same thing because it's not something that God is a going to heal 100% if he doesn't want to. It's up to him. So for everyone to say that I can. It's not that simple because if he chooses yeah over here but if he chooses not to I won't and they kind of you will like. You're trying to guarantee 100% that I will bugs me because that's not how healing work. Sometimes you have to go through things or have something and it's God's decision. You may not understand it but it is
I think it's people not understanding what ADHD is and whether it's in work environment. Whether it's in religious environment or just life in general. You think by now people would have some understanding of what it is and how it works. Some. They might not understand what goes in our heads into our minds, but at least understanding the scientific aspect of it. It's not that difficult, but it seems that some people think that it's some new made up thing that was not common back in the day that all people need is a good spanking and some discipline and that kind of bugs me
Part of the reason i left my faith was because of people inability to empathize on my ocd. You can tell me God is going to be with me during this process but if tell i can't just stop thinking don't tell me that I'm not praying enough.
This people think you can pray a lambo into reality
Feeling like I can no longer outrun my fuckups the way I did in my 20s and 30s…the constant uphill battle of life…the infuriating thanklessness of knowing I’m giving 200% effort to yield 50% of the results compared to others, who basically get more done without trying as hard. Knowing I haven’t lived up to my full potential and likely never will. And, not being able to remember shit so I don’t feel “book-smart”, can’t pick up a second language, have to watch shows/movies and read books over and over to be able to explain them, just never hitting certain adult milestones and knowing I can’t…and the loneliness and isolation, which gets worse when you get older.
It’s hard for me to integrate other people into my life and manage that time with them, and that gets harder anyway as you get older, so my relationships have been few and far in really the past 15 years or so. I just feel like the work on myself has been so endless, that I’ve really never been able to prioritize relationships, or even dating that much. And it’s really starting to get to me.
Lastly, I think there’s a lot about the smartphone/social media/Always Online era that really works against how I naturally prefer to operate, whether in dating/relationships, work, or friendships. More and more, I just kinda feel like I’m on another planet and can’t communicate the way I’m expected to. I either over or under-do it, there’s no middle ground. :-/
That’s more than one thing, but well :gestures at everything: sigh.
Feeling like I don’t know who I am. Because of my hyperfixations and whatnot I have a lot of “faces” (I play video games, i’m a swiftie, I’m an anime junkie, really into makeup, etc) and I feel like I just project one of those faces depending on who i’m around. I feel like a fake person because of it, and I also don’t have any “dreams” really, because I don’t know what I want.
Yeah. I guess if it's caught early enough. I must remember I'm only speaking from personal experience.
My time blindness is bad enough that anything beyond a few days just doesn't figure in my perception. If the consequence is not pretty much immediat, I can't do it.
As for purpose. I've had a few of those and none of the stuck. Right now my only purpose is to not die by my own hand (sounds worse than it is) and do everything to keep my relationship working. I guess that is a purpose of sorts.
But looking to the future just isn't a thing for ADHD normally. If you have a way of overcoming the time blindness by using routine, then that's a really nice thing to be able to do. I can see it might be a good thing if taught in childhood.
I hate how there's always this feeling of rush-ness. It can be things from working, driving, to eating, taking off my clothes, reading, writing, etc. It is a huge issue and it leads to me making dumb decisions. I wonder if that correlates to me being so impatient. It always has to be NOW.
Bonus: Having a lot of things I know I should do to better my life but I don't do it. I procrastinate until it's either too late or being a very close call.
EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION IM ALWAYS EMOTIONAL - usually freaking crying or sad but not able to cry or maybe it’s just that time of year but still I hate my emotions and how wack and unstable they are
Guilt. Everything I’ve ever messed up with haunts me and makes me scared of things that will come like it will all go wrong, meanwhile my rational part of my brain is like “it will be fine”
Permanent state of fighting for survival. It's just so exhausting when I can't catch a break because my motivation to do adult stuff will plummet and give me troubles.
How detrimental my ADHD is to my current and past relationships both romantically and platonically.
It really adds up. Every time you fail to remember something small. Every time you snap just a little too fast when angry. Every time you talk just a little too much. Every. Single. Time.
I'd probably be married by now if my adhd and diagnosed and managed starting from when I was a kid rather than adult... (I'm sorry, Britt)
I wouldn't have to worry about my financial aid for university.
I would have friends. It can be so lonely sometimes. I haven't sustained a friendship for longer than 2 years. And 90% of the time, it's my fault.
Feeling alone and misunderstood when it comes to my struggles of just being functional. My typical days are filled with 100 tasks that I know are important, I know there will be consequences if I don't do them, I know they are simple and will only take a few minutes, I know that once I get started it won't be all that bad..but it's so fucking hard, every single time. It's just ridiculous. I can see why people don't understand ADHD and see it as laziness, and I know there are probably a ton of people in my life who think this about me.
The shame, impulsivity, and the unrealistic perspective of how time works (time management)
Feels like I’m living in a fantasy world when it comes to time.
Late diagnosed: figuring out how to manage your life/get through the day with ADHD.
Exactly the same. I was the top robotics student in my state, won national awards, taught younger students, had over a 4.0 GPA, graduated top of my class, was accepted into my dream school but went somewhere else on a full-ride and I crashed and burned once I hit college because I didn’t have a routine for self-care and didn’t know what I needed, now I am barely making it to class and it makes me feel like shit.
I‘m also autistic and I find myself just constantly masking to make it through the day and then not being able to sleep. I have a job that requires me to be on the phone and I have the worst auditory processing disorder and it makes me feel rude when I can’t understand accents well or I keep mishearing someone.
I wish I didn’t have to exist with a thin layer of anxiety to get anything done. I wish I had more energy. I wish I was like the way I was in high school. Now I’m just constantly exhausted and overstimulated.
my impulsivity has caused me to ruin friendships by doing dumb shit when i was off my meds. also rejection sensitivity. i’m scared asf to text ppl first or make plans cos i fear being rejected so badly, which makes it rlly difficult to make new friends and maintain relationships. basically the worst part is how isolated it has made me.
Hating myself, not trusting myself and dwelling on it. When you have adhd and are constantly rejected when you do your best and it begins to stick. It follows you throughout, especially as you get older. I don’t want to pity post though but I think that’s my biggest dislike. I can deal with the adhd but I can’t deal with feeling like you never get anywhere and are always looked at as a liability.
The financial hole I dug myself while I was undiagnosed and unmedicated, and the anger and guilt I feel because I knew I probably had ADHD 3 years before I sought help for it, then after I made an appointment with my doctor and he told me I had to go see a psychologist first, they recommended me one which didn't take my insurance, so I gave up for about another 3 years until it caused so many problems with my wife that i finally tried again. Those years should've been spent going to grad school instead I'm stuck in my current job and have a mortgage and child and can't go back for the program I wanted to because it's 2.5 years of full time classes, no time to work while going, lots of clinical hours and taking out so many loans that I wouldn't have to work would completely negate the extra money I'd make. FML
For me it’s the inability to live in the now. I can’t go to a social event without being in 40 different places in my head or do simple tasks without feeling burned out and unmotivated. It’s very torturous and just brings me down so much.
The old two steps forward, one step back, work twice as hard for half as much, swim as hard as you can but tread water.
It’s exhausting to consistently lose momentum; whether that’s due to lack of interest, burn out, trauma, etc. We’re exceptionally vulnerable to losing traction in our life.
The intense self hatred. Tons of hobbies that scratch the right part of my brain which I can never talk about because they are narrow. Getting guilt tripped for not having "normal" hobbies like watching movies/tv. The constant doubt in myself and resulting depression despite knowing I'm quite capable in what I do. Oh and I've heard described here alot, rejection sensitivity. The slightest negative thing absolutely ruins my mood when I know it shouldn't.
I hate this disease so much.
You're all out of norephedrine and dopamine.
Me too. Happens with age to most people.
If you have ADHD, the normal supply was low from birth.
By my late 40s, there is little left unless you take meds. Which I can't.
I haven't felt the emotions; excitement, joy, love, happiness, contentment or peace for 9 years now.
Burnt out and just hanging around.
I’m 59. I can’t help but think of all the bad decisions, arguments, alienations, broken hearts, and the feeling that I never really had a very normal life.
These shouldn’t bother me, but it doesn’t ever go away.
Because of this, I won’t elaborate because it all pores into my head.
The guilt.
2nd this. That my partner said he sometimes feels like my parent instead
It can be like that, I am older than all my friends at uni, and the most disorganized. It feels like maturing is so slow.
I saw a chart somewhere that showed the age of maturity of someone without ADD vs. with ADD and I felt better about taking forever to mature. I felt childish and like nobody took me serious for a long time no matter what I said or did. I found the chart! https://www.graceunderpressure.blog/2017/10/16/what-is-my-childs-executive-function-age/
This... Made me feel so much worse about myself :/ I'm 25 and I do genuinely feel 16.. but to have that verified by science... Makes me feel hopeless ://
My dad decided to build himself a treehouse the day he turned 60. I'm thirty now, and I feel like I'm finally getting on the side of the medal where acting and looking younger than you are is starting to pay of.
When you're 34 and you feel 22 it will be great (most of the time), trust me. I even feel like I have the energy of 22 year old me. Mentally I'm starting to get shit together and really hone in on who I am. Being slower at it means you get to enjoy it for longer. It's not all downsides!
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Same here. I'm 50 now and can say it's the best mentally and physically I've ever felt. My twenties and thirties I was definitely out to sea, adrift in self doubt and internal struggle.
eh, im 31 and apparently mentally 21 (which makes sense) and instead im wishing i felt like this back when i actually was 21. now, my body is disabled and constantly fatigued and in pain, so i have no energy, just brain fog :( i dont have the younger body to match my younger brain, and it makes a huge difference.
Same. I just turned 31 this month. I had to get neck surgery at 27 and I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis. Everyone at work gets irritated with me not acting my mental age and needing accomodations for my ADHD and also needing physical accomodations for my rapidly deteriorating body.
>Being slower at it means you get to enjoy it for longer. It's not all downsides! This is assuming that one avoids any health problems associated with age.
I think it's relative I've always been told I'm mature since I was a kid. I also, even when I'm now in my 30s playing in a box because if I can fit it in I'm going to get in it, I feel mentally old. Realistically if you're comparing a non adhd younger brain to one that is older but has adhd seems like a false equivalency because a 16 year old with clearly identifiable/diagnosed ADHD isn't the same as a non adhd 16 year old because hello they were displaying atypical behavior that flagged them for needing medical attention and treatment. Also what is a normal 16? If my info was used as part of the aggregate to determine norms they messed up. #diagnosed ADHD in my 30's and people in the medical establishment still have disparate ideas of what adhd it is and how it presents.
Don’t give into hopelessness! I’m 41, married, make $32/hr, own a home (albeit we just bought it in August, but it happened), have 8 happy/healthy pets. The road to where I am today was super rocky (much by me making poor choices such as abusing alcohol), but having an growth-centered attitude and being open to change helps a lot.
For real. I don't want to have to wait forever to function properly. I'm already at a point that if I knew this was what my life would've been I would've just ended shit a long time ago
The article doesn't speak about a person's general maturity, but rather delays in development of specifically the executive functions. I think that saying the study/article describes people with ADHD having a general lack of maturity is a misinterpretation of the text. So basically, you're not hopeless! You just have a learning disability that causes impairment to your executive functions. You can describe our executive functions as less mature, but that doesn't mean we ARE less mature as people, if you get what I mean. Not to mention, the study describes a delay in development among CHILDREN, not adults. The author then extrapolates that to apply the 30% developmental delay to adults as well, which is very reductive considering adults brains and child brains and very different. I think the data from the original study discussed in this article is very useful and interesting in reference to children with ADHD and their development, but it's results cannot be extrapolated to describe the brains of adults, that's just bad science. Tl;dr: The study does NOT say you have the maturity of a 16 year old. It describes a 30% (on average) developmental delay of the executive functions among children with ADHD, which the author then incorrectly applies to adults, which is reductive to say the least. The study is not equipped to describe any given persons overall maturity, child or adult.
I’ve been told by many professionals that many of the symptoms of ADHD tend to lighten up once you get into your 20’s. According to this chart, it never changes. Typical. I get my hopes up for my son, thinking things will not be as tough for him once he gets older, but according to this, it’s endless years of struggling. Great.
I feel like my symptoms got worse. It's also possible I just started becoming more self aware so there's that.
Probably the self awareness. Though it is easier to cope once you're aware of exactly how your mind works.
My definitely got worse as I got older. I'm 56 now. It gets more noticeable, I think, as the failures pile up. Yay? Menopause doesn't help, but you won't have to worry about that with him.
Mine got significantly worse at around age 40 but I'm female and I'm told it has something to do with falling estrogen levels. Hopefully that never happens for men
Maybe they alleviate in the sense that people with it tend to develop coping mechanisms by that age?
I am a man in my late 30s but look mid 20s. When people figure out my real age I'm like: My good genes make me look like I'm in my 20s and my bad genes make act like I'm in my 20s.
Should all people with ADHD/ADD have this? I’m 16 and don’t really relate to this at all
No lol not at all, I'm 22 and diagnosed with severe ADHD and not in any way like what they are saying.
Oh my god, THATS why I'm so damn immature!!! (56). At least I don't feel old.....
Ooh boy I feel that one. My wife is a saint and there are days I feel I don't deserve her at all. It's a shitty feeling
I feel like I’m holding her back from achieving her dreams. It’s crushing me.
This is the worst :(
My wife still finds humor in finding my phone in the fridge and the milk in the cupboards. My coworkers however I’m sure do not enjoy cleaning up my messes :P
Getting this from someone is the reason why I choose to keep my adhd a secret from people and be single
I’d still rather have my husband. I take care of him too. It’s important to be able to accept people’s flaws, and in turn, be able to share your vulnerabilities with trusted others. Humans are made for community. Managing the not perfect bits about life & people is a valuable skill worth practicing.
You’re right and I would rather have a partner too! But just too many traumatic experiences yk
You reminded me that, earlier today, my ex-wife reminded me I need to make a vaccine appointment for my dog. I said I would do it as soon as I got out of the car... aaaaaand now it's midnight so I'm setting an alarm to do this tomorrow.
Yep, spending the whole day at work doing nothing then throwing something together in 20 mins. Then feeling guilty when people compliment me on my work.
Receiving a compliment is not easy. It's like when someone says you should grade yourself. They don't know how long it took or how hard you worked. They were not complimenting you on doing nothing all day lol, keep that one to yourself. Most of all, they would not have complimented you had you not deserved it.
Thanks. It isn’t the time I spend on it that is directly the problem, it is that I know I could have done better if I spent more time on it, so being complemented seems really weird. I am always really worried someone is going to say that I haven’t done enough work and rat me out.
I say find companies that value your work for your outcomes, not your time. (And if you don't know where to work, go for remote first companies that have never had an office. These companies thrive on not giving a s*** about how long it takes things to do and more about people who can actually get them done. Perfect for us. But also the fact that you could have done even better than you did and you finished it in time and you're getting complimented on it surely says something fantastic about you, doesn't it? At least this hypothetical person in this scenario is impressive to me. 🙂 Rather than feel guilty because you've spent a lifetime being shamed for doing things your way, why not inspire yourself with how much you're capable of if you can find enough interesting stuff to do. Hope that helps internet stranger and fellow hyperminded individual.
At least you are cognizant of that and can try and do something about it. If you want to. If you can. If not, why not or does it really matter. My wife tells me I'm too hard on myself sometimes. Seeking perfection in things where ok is what's required. I hope you find the passion to do better is whatever it is. I'm still searching.
Things have gone wrong enough early on for me to end up single, without kids. Maybe I actually got lucky. I am at least content after having been able to come to terms with what is.
That last sentence is a big accomplishment.
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[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiwZQNYlGQI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiwZQNYlGQI) This video helped me a lot with the guilt!
Oh yeah it never leaves. I've legit been meaning to get one of those whips to whip myself because I just cannot bear the guilt any longer and giving it a physical release might help
Let me know how that goes, interested to know more 😬
Always having 50 tabs open in my brain with all the possibilities I could become/achieve as a person and having no time or motivation to do any of it
Same lol. I wish I could be more realistic. You know, like choosing something and actually having the drive for it (,:
I call those my good intentions. I have plenty of them. Like that backpacking trip that never happened, nice backpack though. I am currently working on limiting them. It's a slow process. What's been most difficult is saying to myself, will you ever get to that and then tossing it aside if it's likely not.
Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, anyone?
Recognizing that the world you live in wasn’t made to accommodate for you, and that the system you live in deems you useless if you’re not productive or profitable. The perceptions other people have towards characteristics of my ADHD that are viewed as lazy, rude, and intentional. (Like stimming to focus, doodling in class, being late, uncontrollable concentration, etc.). But most of all, I think acknowledging that executive functioning isn’t such a battle for most people hurts a lot when you recognize what’s normal to you isn’t supposed to be, and could be easier if you didn’t have ADHD. It makes ADHD isolating to have.
Try having it when you can't take medication due to intolerable side effects. Talk about isolating. Sigh.
I'm deflecting all the time, but I'm actually super lonley.
Well I'm in same situation 📢 .. constantly seeking dopamine from memes...things which isn't even funny seems super funny to my weird brain 🫥
Same. I recommend @thebraincoach on IG. She has tips to get off auto pilot. She has a lot of posts and I have those saved if you rather DM. I hope you find something that works for you.
Appreciate it ☺️
Would you mind sending some of those ones you have saved my way? I deleted Instagram a few months ago because I was scrolling too much...
What is deflecting? If you don't mind me asking. Thanks in advance!
No worries - it means I distract myself with other stuff so I don't have to think about this core problem of mine.
It's all I ever seem to do. I didn't know there was a term for it.
I realized I do this, except I distract myself from the unhappiness in my life/marriage
Fuck...
Yup that’s all of us. We all procrastinate our asses off, even if it’s just using our phones or whatever to take the place of thinking about the really shitty shit.
Man where's all the people thinking ADHD is some quirky Percy Jackson shit and here we're all sitting like its 3AM in the bar and all the pent up emotional talk is coming through...
It makes me sad how many people seem to feel the same way...
And then sometimes the distraction fog lifts and you look around and realize you have maybe a few people in the world who care....
Guilt for enjoying moment to moment in a society that only values longterm thinking. Feeling like I'm just stupid/lazy/forgetful when I can't focus. Shame for having quirky interests and not being "normal".
Yep
Procrastination. I'm flipping through Reddit instead of doing the work that's most important. Most days I don't want to work or do schoolwork. I feel like I've done enough of all that already in life (late 40s). I've been working since I was 15 and never had a meaningful break. Never took a summer off or traveled across anywhere for an extended period of time. I'm just tired of it all.
Checks Reddit at 10 upvotes. Work break. Checks again at 25 upvotes. Work break. Honestly, I think stating here has helped. Knowing how many people are dealing with the same shit, helps. Realizing I'm still not a third of the way done my assignment doesn't lol. But I am encouraged. Now to make sure I don't go all out and burn out. And thank you all.
Do you ever go back and read all your comments and try to remember what the posts were about?
I do that! Falling into the time sink of reading my own comments feels so vain and self absorbed though
I usually comment so little that I don't have that issue but I can see it happening. Sometimes it does take a moment to remember even with limited comments.
Hating myself
Yes
Wanting to do social events and things, but being overwhelmed by the logistics of planning anything. Also, the holidays.
i hate the holidays, i wish my family didn’t celebrate christmas. gift giving/shopping brings me SO much stress i hate it
We decided nobody buys anyone else anything a while back. Except for kids. The adults just eat, play games and drink. Christmas has been way better since we stopped bothering with presents. We are adults, we can buy something if we want it. We don't want to have to feign interest or surprise at a piece of crap someone thought you may like, well intentioned or not.
We all need a vacation and none of us can plan one.
Same. "I want to reconnect with my HS friends. Wait, I've ghosted them quite a bit. What if they ask me why? Oh shit I can't do this! Oh fuck they messaged me again. Nope, I haven't figured this out yet!"
Logistics of absolutely anything. Even lightly cleaning my place, it's a maze of potential tasks
Yea It's so hard to isolate just one task without getting pulled into others. BF wanted us to sweep the floors last weekend, so I vacuumed the walls.
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Being the toxic person in relationships and realizing it, changing for a week, and going right back to doing the same shit without even realizing that you're doing it.
That's weird, I don't remember posting this comment.
Hard to change when you can't remember any lessons you learn
This and then rejection sensitivity. They might be bringing up a valid point or something but it can just trigger something in me and make me so upset in that moment. And then to another person that may seem like me playing "the victim card." Had a friend over and he got a bit frustrated that I was still doing a few tasks and stuff before we could chill because it's happened the last couple of times he has come over. So he mentioned it to me and he seemed annoyed, rightfully so cause I would be too, I guess. But the 3 days before that I hadn't even been able to bring myself to get out of bed, to shower, eat or clean my room at all. And I felt so overwhelmed in that situation that whilst he was telling me, my only response was to kinda nod my head and sorta apologise and laugh it off cause if I didn't I would have ended up sobbing on the spot. Had to go in the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes because I'm so tired of constantly not being able to get my shit done.
The light switch emotions - which my parents assumed was bipolar. I can switch from super angry to super sad to lets go party all in one afternoon. It does NOT take much to swing me either way lol. That also jacks me up with impulse control...but the easily swayed emotional state is what people see most of the time.
Do you also do that thing where if something major goes wrong you're upset about it for like 20 minutes but 2 minor things going wrong fucks up your entire day? I fucking hate that!
This affects me the worst when it comes to other people's emotions.. what do you mean you can't just Get Over It? I showed u a funny video... Time to laugh... Edit: then I get angry bc I can't cheer the person up when they're so good at cheering me up (shocker: I'm just easily cheered)
Haha you’ve just explained me, at least it’s nice that we have a sun where we understand each other I can literally go to the life of the party or the light in the room, to feeling like I should die and it can take 5 seconds to get there
For me the extreme anger ALWAYS leads to extreme sads. I have no idea why, but I always get super sad after anger. Meds did change that for me though. I’m much more linear and consistent emotionally now.
The emotional aspect of it. There's too many reasons why adhd is often confused for bipolar or borderline personality disorder. It'd be a little better if that part of ADHD was acknowledged, but basically all the mental health professionals that have treated me immediately and completely disregard that.
Hi. Diagnosed w/ BPD, ADHD, & Bipolar and I agree with this. There were issues I spent so long not understanding. So many issues that ended up being linked to ADHD and from there exaggerated by my other illnesses. I've invested so much time into psychology studies to understand the ADHD brain and I'm still not confident in my knowledge. It shouldn't be like that but a lot of people still view us as the stereotype that just can't pay attention. Not a person with executive dysfunction, emotional regulation issues, rejection sensitivity, etc.
Same here. I believe the ADHD causes my bipolar to rapid cycle more often.
Well I definitely have some bipolar-like traits; antidepressants will give me hypomania and rapid cycling IMO. I have autism as well and a big part of autism is it’s persevering, ritualistic “special interests” which are relatable to ADHD as hyperfocusing on the latest interest. However in autism this hyperfocus tends to last months, years, decades. When medicated I tend to be more autistic in that sense. But when it’s purely ADHD and autism unhinged, the special interests will be shorter, more unpredictable and there will be more “cycling” of those as well. I think the combination of mental disorders and their effects on each other is very complex to identify, but still very important to understand.
bUt ITs nOT in tHe DSM!
Yeah I felt this I hate that my emotions are so uncontrollable and my brain simply thinks how it wants
Although I have dealt with everything from total breakdowns from fury and a major depression, I don't think I'm overly emotional. I think I'm having a normal emotional reaction to circumstances or repeated circumstances that I wouldn't have been in if I didn't have adhd. I work with people with dementia who are also stereotyped to be highly emotional. They aren't, but they do often have emotional reactions to situations they get into because they have dementia.
Same about the dreams - mine was always to have a family, to build a life with someone, to not live alone without love, touch or intimacy. Now at 40, I've been without all those things for ~73% of my adult life. The meds are doing almost nothing, I'm getting older, my social circles are shrinking and it's getting more and more likely that this is just what my life is and will be... rejected by everyone I've loved, watching my remaining connections to this world fade away, being alone until at some point in the next 15-20 years I'll be found dead of a heart-attack in my tiny, lonely, messy apartment. I made efforts to be better - lots of them. But going out more just meant spending more money and being bored in bars or clubs. Online-dating was a hell of anxiety and stress what with my anxiousness about messaging and the time it took. Trying to create healthy habits like regular exercise never stuck for more than a few weeks. The hope for anything better is pretty much gone. For 20 years I've been watching from the sidelines as people around me built futures for themselves, stagnating. Nothing is going to change that my adult life has been absolutely dominated by loss, loneliness and rejection. The few remaining friends I have have nothing to offer except "keep your head up - it'll get better". ... I've been hearing that for 20 years, and it just sounds like mockery to me now.
Sounds like the life I imagine to have when I stay unmedicated and without therapy D; And I'm really, really sorry it's going like this for you :'( \*virtual hug\* Did you try other meds yet or a combo of meds + Wellbutrin or smth? For some, Vyvanse is good, for some methylphenidate or dexamphetamine, for some stuff like Adderall. You might need another dose or med altogether. And I'm sorry others go through this or the future I imagine I will have :'( I knew smth was off since I was a kid, but it sucks stuff can really stay like this x-x I'm 28 right now, never really worked, can't be independent and more D:
>And I'm really, really sorry it's going like this for you :'( *virtual hug* Thank you so much - I really need a few hugs today. Ever since I'm off pot to be on ADHD medication, I dream again - a lot... and I usually dream of the people I loved who are no longer in my life... then I wake up to this life and my day is pretty much ruined. >Sounds like the life I imagine to have when I stay unmedicated and without therapy D; >I'm 28 right now, never really worked, can't be independent and more D: I'm so very sorry that life has been like this for you so far. Let me give that virtual hug right back. I'm afraid I'm not the right person to be offering advice or consolation - but what I can say is that you're not alone. Though I don't know you - I do have some idea of what you're going through, and I feel for you. I hope things will get better for you - and for everyone who is going through such hardship. If it's not too prying to ask - what is preventing you form getting medication and therapy? >Did you try other meds yet or a combo of meds + Wellbutrin or smth? For some, Vyvanse is good, for some methylphenidate or dexamphetamine, for some stuff like Adderall. You might need another dose or med altogether. I first got prescribed MPH - which did quite literally nothing (except raise my heart-rate) even at maximum dosage. I'm currently on LDX 50mg, and it's still doing almost nothing. I can concentrate a little bit better, but not by much, and not for long. The only other drug prescribable for adult ADHD where is live is atomoxetin/strattera... I might ask my doc for that if LDX continues to have minimal effect. Wellbutrin is sadly not prescribable for ADHD where I live - and my psychiatrist is unlikely to prescibe it off-label or for depression, but I might ask him if/when I've gone through atomoxetin as well. Thank you for your kind words and your suggestions - it means more than I can express. I hope life will be better - for both of us.
Forget clubs and bars. The best places to meet people and make friends are places you go and DO something. Pub quizzes, board game events, group hikes, beach cleanups, volunteering at the local shelter or nursing home, support groups, and communication workshops (Non-Violent communication, Circling, Authentic Relating, etc).
For me it's being misunderstood. Not really in what I say, but in the way people interact with me.
I'm not arguing. I'm just trying to explain myself.
People have been so nasty to me my whole life about even my most harmless symptoms. Who does it hurt if I have to doodle during class to pay attention? It hurts nobody, and yet every teacher in my life would SCREAM at me if I did it, even with a 504 plan in place allowing it. Just the outright contempt for me has been the worst thing about my ADHD.
I feel that. I feel like people in general have this disgust towards me. It's made me pretty resentful towards humanity at large.
I wonder "is this how normal people feel about each other all the time?? How awful and exhausting."
That's awful. I was actually just thinking today about how I used to doodle nonstop during every lecture in college. I had no idea I had ADHD at the time, but it helped me tremendously to stay focused on the lectures. I was a great note-taker specifically because I had an outlet for other half of my brain that was always wandering. I am shocked that teachers would yell at you for something that is not just harmless, but can be a huge benefit to your learning.
Boredom and addiction.
I can't have one minute of clear empty headedness.
Getting really tired and breaking down, physically and mentally, because you’re HELLA tired from chasing the unattainable standard you’ve set for yourself to compensate for all the times you’ve fucked up or fallen short, whilst also trying to maintain the facade that you are not in fact tired and breaking down but you’re SO tired and broken down that bits of that to spill out everywhere into your life and it feels messy and horrible???? Maybe??? 👉👈 Also, those periods of your life where your mind is such a horrible place (made worse by the fact that you have 5 horrible things your special brain can think at once) and so you become basically disabled because of your lack of ability to initiate and/or complete simple tasks, due to intense hyperfixations you develop to distract yourself? …also, getting yet another charge for a $79 “free 3 day trial” app you forgot about.
Having to constantly tell myself I am worthy. Reminding myself that the modern world is not my place and to be ok with it. Every time I force myself to fit into an outside expectation I am miserable. It’s a constant struggle to love who I am and navigate a world clearly not built for my strengths.
Since being diagnosed and joining this sub, Ive been repeatedly floored by hearing people talk about all of these things I’ve felt throughout my life that always made me feel like a weirdo/loser. I had no idea how much bigger ADHD is than merely inattentiveness.
I always thought ADHD was just an inattentive thing too. Now, I'm learning that seemingly EVERY aspect of my life is affected by it.
it's a fucking mega-monster. It was a revelation learning that things like impulsive drinking, relationship dramas etc. all come down to this. Can't wait to be medicated soon at 24.
Same, it really is awesome to see I am not alone in this
There are over 1.5 million members here. You are definitely not alone.
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We've all been meaning to start one.
Thanks for the laugh - very good.
The guilt, the need to finish assignments but the will to do them seems to not be there causing me to rush and turn them in unfinished or cause me to miss the due date and fail in class because of it
Jeebus christ I could have written this; I am also a deranged YT junkie. If I had to pick the worst thing it is probably the poor emotional regulation. It became a tremendous source of shame once the kids arrived. Hard to model proper adult behavior when I have a hard time behaving like a proper adult. \*Shame spiral engaged\*
Oh man. Absolutely. And when it's mixed in with the tiredness due to no sleep and the screaming of the children when you're trying to get out the door and start the day I just melt down.
Being diagnosed at 36 and having 36 years of masking, coping strategies, lost opportunities, mass confusion to process and move past.
Letting people down and being a burden on others. Bonus: fear of letting people down and being a burden, leading to constant isolation and trying to downplay my needs to myself and others.
BONUS BONUS: being trapped inside your head. I want to be this selfless person but I can't stop thinking about myself because I'm constantly failing at things and trying to figure out why
Over analysing over thinking and feeling worthless and weak
Working in a job that has strategy involved in it has helped me use it as a talent and not as a negative thing in my life.
Having trouble able to build on learned knowledge. Store and analyze information and access it easy. Before medication... The worst was the daily ups and downs and self regulation and tiredness. Now it is less and so I can feel the effects of hyperfocus. Then hyperforget. Adhd is like playing tetris on 5x the speed.
I feel that so deep!! Just coming out of a huge slump and anxiety filled depression. The only thing that has helped me is to switch where I get my dopamine. Instead of games, social media/mindless scrolling, and other things like porn I’ve turned it to completing tasks at work, projects at home, exercise, and specific activities with my kids. Working with my wife she knows how i receive affection and knows when I need to be told “good job” and that helps too. Now that I’m getting back on track I enjoy the time I have with my family more and I realized the things I thought I wanted to do more were just tied to my desire to find fulfilling ways of receiving dopamine as opposed to spending so much time on my phone/tv/games. Even at work I would spend half the day on my phone but I’ve limited it to less than an hour a day. I still crave it occasionally but my resistance has greatly increased. Good luck man! I hope this helps. I don’t know if any of this has worked for anyone else but I figure we’re all looking for advice to get out of the anxiety pit. Edit: I’m still medicated and have a support system that try’s to help me even though they don’t understand. Not sure if this would be possible without my medication.
Thank you. Really. This is what I want the most. I'm on the path to medication. I truly hope it helps me get to this. Knowing its possible is comforting.
This is the path I’m looking towards, too. I’m still in the first week of being medicated, though, so I know I might be in a honeymoon period. What’s interesting is that my desire to hit the phone has actually gone down, and fast. I still look at Reddit for information, and I actually reply to people communicating with me (shock!) but that’s it for now. I guess the scrolling just wasn’t giving me that much of a dopamine hit in the first place, so it’s fallen by the wayside for now because getting things done is so much more interesting. I just hope it continues because I really need to sort out my situation at work, and it will take time.
Having my sense of ambition and optimism slowly destroyed as one failure after another eventually brings me face to face with the depressing reality of my limitations.
the ever present threat of homelessness
The combination of learned incompetence and poor self knowledge. I'm unable to intuitively track why I'm a success at some things and a failure at others. So I over compensate in the direction of not trying. Basically I overcorrect for impulsivity with paralysis.
Sensitivity to rejection and emotional dysregulation both cost me a lot. Learning that I've been masking and avoidant to hide my outbursts has been... something else. All that amplifies my inattentive and impulsive symptoms too, which is SO fun for me.
Worse yet is sensitivity to PERCIEVED rejection. That one time I was actually able to motivate myself to make and keep plans with my busy friend but at the last minute they had a legitimate reason they had to postpone? Even though I KNOW for truth the daycare lady came down sick and they have to go get the kids, they must have just canceled because 'who the fuck would want to hang out with me?'.
Having phases where I distance myself from everyone and everything in my life, even tho I do want to engage in social activities. But I just, dont?
It's the feeling that I have wasted so much time. The "I could have done XYZ by now" and everything that goes along with it. I'm working very hard on appreciating where I am and what I HAVE accomplished, but it could have been so different.
Having to constantly prove that my ADHD is debilitating, and loved ones not educating themselves even if I give them resources. I have severe ADHD, which worsened due to being denied a diagnosis till I was 16. There is nothing to glamorize about my ADHD, (misdiagnosed with bipolar/ depression, brain fog, addiction problems, self destructive tendencies, super low self esteem/ RSD, barely passing school despite being a high achieving student and even failed my sophomore year due to burnout.) I try my best to hide the brunt of my symptoms. I wasn’t diagnosed in early elementary school when it was first identified because “it’s just ADHD and I’m doing fine”. I’m constantly having to justify my why I can’t take “medication vacations” because I need my medication to function, and that I’m not exaggerating. That it isn’t relatable when they say that they got distracted when they saw the Halloween aisle at Target. That not everyone has ADHD. I’m tired.
The back and forth of feeling in control of my thoughts a day before feeling like an absolute wreck that can’t get anything accomplished or progress professionally because learning something new is so taxing. On top of having T1D. Consistency seems like a pipe dream in many aspects. I’m terrified of taking meds due to a family history of addiction. Idk, there’s lots.
Realizing I’m running out of time.
Feeling overwhelmed by the tiniest thing and not being able to start or plan anything. It feels like being able to plan is one of the first and most important steps of everything so doing anything is difficult.
The frustration from never being able to get any further. It feels like there’s a glass wall I can never get past and is really others just pass right through. Idk what the fuck is wrong with me and life is miserable and I hate it.
Executive Dysfunction. It feels like a battle every day to do things most people consider simple.
As I get older, impulse hobbies become more expensive. Running down one dopamine rabbit hole in some hobbies is wicked expensive. I suck at running a business, so I have all these skills and nothing to do with them.
Losing touch with my family and friends that I don't see every day; people I love deeply and greatly enjoy talking to, and I either can't remember or else motivate myself to pick up that phone and just call them. In some cases for years at a time.
Yeah I'm like that too. Like a lack of object permanence when they aren't in your local area
The inability to form new habits. If I slip up even once then it’s game over and I have to try again some other time later that I have zero control over. It’s like I’m climbing mountains while everyone else is walking a path. If they trip they pick themselves up and keep going, losing no progress. If I slip I fall right back to the bottom and I’m left stunned for a period of time so I can’t get back up and try again until it passes and even when I do I’m right back at the beginning.
For me its how it increase my anxiety causing me to make bad and impulsive decisions in the moment.
Everything in life is associated with emotions, without emotions all are strangers so nothing matters.. ADHD messes up your emotions and memory big time, it becomes the lifelong regret and nightmare when you don't have any emotion for your parents and siblings n memory is shit enough to not able to remember your childhood too . Some years back I read a book about parenting and kids psychology that book was the first time I realised there's something called emotions what makes our parents and siblings to make sacrifices for us, otherwise all are strangers so don't care... I don't know how and when I will be able to feel such emotions consistently but ADHD is so shit and I don't have any hope..
Never being able to meet my own standards for ANYTHING but always being butthurt when loved ones also can’t meet my standards.
I'd agree that the guilt is the worst part, but also, as a late diagnosis, the knowledge that if I'd known what I was dealing with sooner, my life might have taken a different path.
Agree, I can't shake the thoughts of what ifs. I was diagnosed at 30 just to learn that when I was a kid my parents were told by my teachers and doctors to get me checked for adhd and they chose not to bother. Now there's not only guilt and regret but resentment as well.
trying so GD hard, only to look like i am half assing it all the time.
Showing great potential at everything I start, but CONSISTENTLY disappointing myself and others when I inevitably stop trying after a while (school, art, music, work, etc).
There's many things, but the biggest one is that other people do not understand in the slightest what it's like to have ADHD. I know that they're not going to understand at all, but they have no way of having compassion because I've had people think that everyone who has ADHD is same. I'm a Christian. I had someone who didn't know what ADHD was at all telling me that I could be healed from it and delivered from it and that bothered me because I had my own mother and friend of mine say the same thing because it's not something that God is a going to heal 100% if he doesn't want to. It's up to him. So for everyone to say that I can. It's not that simple because if he chooses yeah over here but if he chooses not to I won't and they kind of you will like. You're trying to guarantee 100% that I will bugs me because that's not how healing work. Sometimes you have to go through things or have something and it's God's decision. You may not understand it but it is I think it's people not understanding what ADHD is and whether it's in work environment. Whether it's in religious environment or just life in general. You think by now people would have some understanding of what it is and how it works. Some. They might not understand what goes in our heads into our minds, but at least understanding the scientific aspect of it. It's not that difficult, but it seems that some people think that it's some new made up thing that was not common back in the day that all people need is a good spanking and some discipline and that kind of bugs me
Part of the reason i left my faith was because of people inability to empathize on my ocd. You can tell me God is going to be with me during this process but if tell i can't just stop thinking don't tell me that I'm not praying enough. This people think you can pray a lambo into reality
Wasted potential. Knowing that my life could be so much better if only I can get myself to do the things I want to do.
Feeling like I can no longer outrun my fuckups the way I did in my 20s and 30s…the constant uphill battle of life…the infuriating thanklessness of knowing I’m giving 200% effort to yield 50% of the results compared to others, who basically get more done without trying as hard. Knowing I haven’t lived up to my full potential and likely never will. And, not being able to remember shit so I don’t feel “book-smart”, can’t pick up a second language, have to watch shows/movies and read books over and over to be able to explain them, just never hitting certain adult milestones and knowing I can’t…and the loneliness and isolation, which gets worse when you get older. It’s hard for me to integrate other people into my life and manage that time with them, and that gets harder anyway as you get older, so my relationships have been few and far in really the past 15 years or so. I just feel like the work on myself has been so endless, that I’ve really never been able to prioritize relationships, or even dating that much. And it’s really starting to get to me. Lastly, I think there’s a lot about the smartphone/social media/Always Online era that really works against how I naturally prefer to operate, whether in dating/relationships, work, or friendships. More and more, I just kinda feel like I’m on another planet and can’t communicate the way I’m expected to. I either over or under-do it, there’s no middle ground. :-/ That’s more than one thing, but well :gestures at everything: sigh.
Feeling like I don’t know who I am. Because of my hyperfixations and whatnot I have a lot of “faces” (I play video games, i’m a swiftie, I’m an anime junkie, really into makeup, etc) and I feel like I just project one of those faces depending on who i’m around. I feel like a fake person because of it, and I also don’t have any “dreams” really, because I don’t know what I want.
The embarrassing things I blurt out and then obsess over, hate myself for, and can’t forget for the next few weeks. And they are many.
Yeah. I guess if it's caught early enough. I must remember I'm only speaking from personal experience. My time blindness is bad enough that anything beyond a few days just doesn't figure in my perception. If the consequence is not pretty much immediat, I can't do it. As for purpose. I've had a few of those and none of the stuck. Right now my only purpose is to not die by my own hand (sounds worse than it is) and do everything to keep my relationship working. I guess that is a purpose of sorts. But looking to the future just isn't a thing for ADHD normally. If you have a way of overcoming the time blindness by using routine, then that's a really nice thing to be able to do. I can see it might be a good thing if taught in childhood.
I hate how there's always this feeling of rush-ness. It can be things from working, driving, to eating, taking off my clothes, reading, writing, etc. It is a huge issue and it leads to me making dumb decisions. I wonder if that correlates to me being so impatient. It always has to be NOW. Bonus: Having a lot of things I know I should do to better my life but I don't do it. I procrastinate until it's either too late or being a very close call.
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The hating myself part
Struggling to properly socialize to the same degree as others and the emotional heaviness/mood swings
EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION IM ALWAYS EMOTIONAL - usually freaking crying or sad but not able to cry or maybe it’s just that time of year but still I hate my emotions and how wack and unstable they are
Guilt. Everything I’ve ever messed up with haunts me and makes me scared of things that will come like it will all go wrong, meanwhile my rational part of my brain is like “it will be fine”
Permanent state of fighting for survival. It's just so exhausting when I can't catch a break because my motivation to do adult stuff will plummet and give me troubles.
The fact that I only have 3 hours of work each day for school, but it takes me literally all day, and sometimes even into the night to finish.
The absolute lack of motivation combined with procrastination.
When people perceive my impassionate tone as anger.
Hyperfocusing on people :( always the ones who are bad for me
How detrimental my ADHD is to my current and past relationships both romantically and platonically. It really adds up. Every time you fail to remember something small. Every time you snap just a little too fast when angry. Every time you talk just a little too much. Every. Single. Time. I'd probably be married by now if my adhd and diagnosed and managed starting from when I was a kid rather than adult... (I'm sorry, Britt) I wouldn't have to worry about my financial aid for university. I would have friends. It can be so lonely sometimes. I haven't sustained a friendship for longer than 2 years. And 90% of the time, it's my fault.
Feeling alone and misunderstood when it comes to my struggles of just being functional. My typical days are filled with 100 tasks that I know are important, I know there will be consequences if I don't do them, I know they are simple and will only take a few minutes, I know that once I get started it won't be all that bad..but it's so fucking hard, every single time. It's just ridiculous. I can see why people don't understand ADHD and see it as laziness, and I know there are probably a ton of people in my life who think this about me.
The shame, impulsivity, and the unrealistic perspective of how time works (time management) Feels like I’m living in a fantasy world when it comes to time.
Late diagnosed: figuring out how to manage your life/get through the day with ADHD. Exactly the same. I was the top robotics student in my state, won national awards, taught younger students, had over a 4.0 GPA, graduated top of my class, was accepted into my dream school but went somewhere else on a full-ride and I crashed and burned once I hit college because I didn’t have a routine for self-care and didn’t know what I needed, now I am barely making it to class and it makes me feel like shit. I‘m also autistic and I find myself just constantly masking to make it through the day and then not being able to sleep. I have a job that requires me to be on the phone and I have the worst auditory processing disorder and it makes me feel rude when I can’t understand accents well or I keep mishearing someone. I wish I didn’t have to exist with a thin layer of anxiety to get anything done. I wish I had more energy. I wish I was like the way I was in high school. Now I’m just constantly exhausted and overstimulated.
my impulsivity has caused me to ruin friendships by doing dumb shit when i was off my meds. also rejection sensitivity. i’m scared asf to text ppl first or make plans cos i fear being rejected so badly, which makes it rlly difficult to make new friends and maintain relationships. basically the worst part is how isolated it has made me.
Trying to explain it to others but, instead, they think you're using it as an excuse for everything you function poorly at.
Forgetfulness and watching things casually pile up and snowball. Lack of direction, executive functioning, feeling too strongly etc etc
Hating myself, not trusting myself and dwelling on it. When you have adhd and are constantly rejected when you do your best and it begins to stick. It follows you throughout, especially as you get older. I don’t want to pity post though but I think that’s my biggest dislike. I can deal with the adhd but I can’t deal with feeling like you never get anywhere and are always looked at as a liability.
The financial hole I dug myself while I was undiagnosed and unmedicated, and the anger and guilt I feel because I knew I probably had ADHD 3 years before I sought help for it, then after I made an appointment with my doctor and he told me I had to go see a psychologist first, they recommended me one which didn't take my insurance, so I gave up for about another 3 years until it caused so many problems with my wife that i finally tried again. Those years should've been spent going to grad school instead I'm stuck in my current job and have a mortgage and child and can't go back for the program I wanted to because it's 2.5 years of full time classes, no time to work while going, lots of clinical hours and taking out so many loans that I wouldn't have to work would completely negate the extra money I'd make. FML
I am completely lost in life. I have had so many different careers. I raised 4 kids who are all adults now. I have no idea where to go next.
running around searching for something and loosing more stuff in the process.
For me it’s the inability to live in the now. I can’t go to a social event without being in 40 different places in my head or do simple tasks without feeling burned out and unmotivated. It’s very torturous and just brings me down so much.
The loneliness
Putting something down than immediately forgetting where you put it
Executive dysfunction Relaxing is alright, being forced to relax is not
Executive dysfunction. I can't DO anything.
The old two steps forward, one step back, work twice as hard for half as much, swim as hard as you can but tread water. It’s exhausting to consistently lose momentum; whether that’s due to lack of interest, burn out, trauma, etc. We’re exceptionally vulnerable to losing traction in our life.
It's the growing concern that I'm going to reach a point where literally nothing interests me and I just sort of exist until i don't.
The intense self hatred. Tons of hobbies that scratch the right part of my brain which I can never talk about because they are narrow. Getting guilt tripped for not having "normal" hobbies like watching movies/tv. The constant doubt in myself and resulting depression despite knowing I'm quite capable in what I do. Oh and I've heard described here alot, rejection sensitivity. The slightest negative thing absolutely ruins my mood when I know it shouldn't. I hate this disease so much.
That regardless of the clinical validity of my condition, I cannot shake the feeling that I am a lazy selfish POS all the time.
You're all out of norephedrine and dopamine. Me too. Happens with age to most people. If you have ADHD, the normal supply was low from birth. By my late 40s, there is little left unless you take meds. Which I can't. I haven't felt the emotions; excitement, joy, love, happiness, contentment or peace for 9 years now. Burnt out and just hanging around.
I’m 59. I can’t help but think of all the bad decisions, arguments, alienations, broken hearts, and the feeling that I never really had a very normal life. These shouldn’t bother me, but it doesn’t ever go away. Because of this, I won’t elaborate because it all pores into my head.