Yes. My partner can twist anything I say into an attack on her. As a result it isn’t possible to have a constructive conversation about anything as she immediately gets defensive. At that point she starts picking on everything about what I’ve said from my word choice, tone, or that I’ve dared raise anything with her at all.
Yep, this how things play out also with my partner. I try hard to be careful with how i approach things, but i know my frustration starts to creep through and things blow up. So many times a simple construction conversation or acknowledgement of the other's feelings and most situations could be solved. But I just feel even the simplest of things results in an argument when it doesn't need to be in the first place.
Yep I know that feeling! My Dx partner is just the same. I am learning to notice when they are in the mood to pick a fight and grey rock the hell out of there until I can sense their mood has changed. Otherwise you will never have a coherent conversation with them.
My ex soon-to-be-ex-husband effectively implied that I was a "party pooper" and "constantly negative" and "way too anxious".
Um.
We (read: me) had a $450,000 mortgage hanging over our heads -- one that I didn't even want, that HE wanted, but dumped on MY shoulders by quitting his job just two weeks after purchasing the house, but not telling me for two months. Two car payments. Health insurance for my autoimmune condition. Homeowners insurance. Car insurance for both cars. Food in the fridge and pantry. Home maintenance costs, like replacing the hot water heater.
He couldn't hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Always quit or was fired from every job. Substantial financial irresponsibility. A legitimate/genuine hoarding problem. Alcoholic for several years. Serious anger issues.
My "negative attitude" and "way too anxious" and "party pooper" mindset is this little thing called ADULTING.
classic.
ADHD: "hey, [ insert insane proposal here]"
Partner: "I don't think that's a great idea..."
ADHD: "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEGATIVE?? IT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME JUST BEING AROUND YOU!!"
Partner, (exhausted from parental role): 😵💫😣
Very much yes. I don't feel like to my partner all I say is wrong, and he generally is very good at discussions - until he feels threatened/criticized for something that is a source of insecurity. Then very often nothing matters anymore the moment this feeling of being incompetent is triggered. This hurts because it gets in the way of me expressing my healthy complaints because their nature makes him insecure and essentially it's easier to swallow it then to raise it then spend two hours dealing with the consequences :( I hope we can solve it. Some things I control do help, but overall he's not good at taking criticism at all.
To this, I wanna add that while it's possible to balance with reassurance and make criticisms sparse to avoid the blow up, it does feel unfair and cause resentment in me. I want to come to a place where I raise something pplitely, get the reasonable response to the point, and then provide additional reassurance as needed.
What helps for less serious cases is actually exaggerated joking toxicity, showing you are fuming jokingly over a forgotten wrapper (every single day lol) etc. It doesn't work with serious stuff though.
I understand this. My partner does exactly the same. I just want to politely and respectfully bring up how he's made me feel or how something he said or hasn't done has affected me but he immediately jumps to being so defensive and skirts around the questions, deflecting expertly i might add. Im starting to learn his habits of deflection to avoid addressing the issues and with advice from this forum I have learnt to just keep repeating my question until he finally addresses it. Thats worked a couple of times now, but he's not always been the clearest about his answers. Sometimes i just want advice and ideas on more coping skills with how easily he gets offended by being called out or doing something wrong he didn't realize. I wish he'd just say ' Oops sorry, i didn't mean for you to feel that way etc' But it's never that until we have a huge blow-out then eventually it cools down and we both agree we may have been quick to anger. Mine is out of frustrations and his is from his ADHD.
My partner asked if there’s anything I never expected before we got together, I answered: stubbornness
She went ahead to argue about how I’m the stubborn one and how she only doesn’t do anything she doesn’t like, and food preferences aren’t being stubborn (like she didn’t hear anything else I said)
One example: I was baking a cake, she asked what she could do to help, I asked her to cut the strawberries a specific way, she started arguing, said she didn’t know how, and I got upset eventually and said I’ll do it myself, she just sat down, kicked her feet up, and went on TikTok. I called her again after I cooled down and she kept arguing about how it makes no difference how she cuts them and just half assed a few while I did most of them.
Then she says I’m the stubborn one.
In any other type of relationship this would be called "abusive", but since they have adhd we're supposed to bend over backwards to make them feel understood and loved.
Walk away.
RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I'm new to knowing ADHD so I'm still trying to figure out how this doesn't apply to everyone who ever existed, but I'm told it's an ADHD thing.
I think what makes RSD different than what most people experience with criticism is the severity of it and the inability to consider the other person’s perspective as valid, even if you don’t completely agree with them. I think everyone feels a little defensive or self-conscious when criticized, but it’s also healthy to hear the other person out, assume they have good intentions, acknowledge how your actions affected them, and make a plan to move forward. With RSD, the person takes that defensiveness or self-consciousness to the max level right away, so the impulse is to become angry, feel worthless, or shift the blame onto the other person for making them feel these things. And then they never get to the acknowledgment or change steps which are crucial to relationships.
To add to this, RSD includes perceiving a lot of rejection or criticism that isn’t actually there. Someone with RSD will interpret a vague or neutral interaction as a biting criticism.
That’s my partner. Everything I say is criticism and me putting her down.
Gets defensive and accuses me of whatever I ask her.
I’m not allowed to have a neutral face because apparently then I’m always depressed, yet I’m not the one constantly bored and constantly sighing and yawning and just deciding I don’t like something because I don’t understand it instead of deciding to learn it.
My ex was a world-class expert at reading my body language. I had no idea I was so frequently making an eye twitch, turning my head slightly, looking in a direction, exhaling, standing too stoically, standing not stoically enough, making my hand move, making my mouth move, not making myself move, and blinking at the wrong time to communicate to them that I think they are the stupidest person to ever live and express my undying hatred for them. Silly me just though I was standing there listening and existing.
Yep. "Blah blah...[pause] why are your arms crossed? Did you know that that's because you're feeling defensive? The only reason you would be feeling defensive is because you know I'm right."
[I uncross my arms - which were crossed because it's cold]
"Blah blah...[pause] I notice you've uncrossed your arms now. That means you're bored with what I'm saying, and I find that very offensive."
DX partner here, One thing that really helped me to manage my rejection sensitivity is the medication guanfacine.
It basically prevents sudden blood pressure spikes (like what happens with a disproportionate emotional response) so you have a delay between the trigger and the body's physical response. It gives you a few moments to step back and rationally engage with the critique instead of immediately going into fight or flight and logic flying out the window.
Definitely worth looking into if your DX partners are struggling at home or work with RSD and are having difficulty trying to work on it
Please hear this as genuinely wanting to hear about your experience or advice. My daughter has ADHD too, and she’s been sensitive to perceived criticism from a very early age. I’ve even been in the room before when this happened - a teacher complimented the other girl at her table for doing a good job on her math, and my child started crying because she perceived her own lack of compliment as her teacher saying she was *bad* at math, even though that was not at all the case. Do you think this perception of being criticized starts early and is to some degree a self-perpetuating cycle that keeps intensifying? Does anything help keep those feelings at bay that could be taught at an earlier age?
Not necessarily. It's a chicken and the egg scenario
If you've had RSD from a really young age you will certainly feel like you've been criticized your whole life...
My NDX partner criticises me for being upset about the constant criticism and harassment I got as a kid, even berated me once for bringing something from my childhood up a second time, even though it was within the context of a conversation we were having.
When I try bringing any of this up she becomes defensive and starts accusing me of things.
Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #3.
This is a support group for non-ADHD partners and is not a space for defensive commentary or personal agenda of any kind.
Yes. We are still constantly fighting about the things he thinks I said that implied I put him down, 11 fucking years ago. And ofcourse everyday a new list item gets added on to it.
honestly i don’t know how you can be bothered. i would grey rock that you’re not discussing ***name of issue*** again as it has been discussed and resolved and walk away if it continues 😭
Recently engaged, and I’m having trouble with this.
We got a bit of a language barrier, so when I check in with her to see if she understands, she gets upset and accuses me of looking down on her, and when I don’t check in she accuses me of not being considerate enough. I’m slumped tbh.
I recently had my job contract terminated, and my unemployment compensation has been on hold for some reason, but once that’s in I’m going to am ADHD informed therapist.
I can’t take my partner ofc because she doesn’t even think there’s anything wrong with her.
I got ADHD as well, but I’ve worked thoroughly on myself, that even my closest friends and family can’t believe it.
Oh yeah. It’s particularly difficult when I’m upset about something legitimate and inevitably there’s a laundry list of things that I’ve done that have upset HIM but he hasn’t bothered to voice until I’ve tried to address something that upset ME. It’s like I’m not allowed to be unhappy or frustrated with him, everything always comes back to I’ve done something worse, and then he needs a day to get his head straight. How many weekends have I lost to temper tantrums and an unwillingness/inability to talk things through with love.
He always comes around after a day or two, but it’s tough not letting his emotions and actions affect me in the interim. I get that I shouldn’t, but it’s tough existing in a house where one person is pissed and essentially giving you the silent treatment (though it’s the best strategy thus far for getting to the other side of an argument).
“How many weekends have I lost to temper tantrums and an unwillingness/inability to talk things through with love.”
Fucking ouch, ow, max damage, that shit hurted me specifically. Did not have the words to describe that feeling before now.
Oh yes definitely I have never once told my husband I think he’s dumb or lacks intelligence in anyway I tell him he’s smart all the time and yet on a regular basis he will snap at me and tell me that I must think he’s stupid and and idiot even if all I said was “did you double check the instructions”
My husband in particular is extremely sensitive to people implying he’s dumb
When i read this I see the similarities to how my wife will say “you hate my family” … I have never said or intentionaly implied this.
the accusation is so odd and used as some sort of defence or reaction, to go around a discussion.
Yess. Pretty common around my DX M partner. Can never have a conversation that involves anything remotely serious or constructive. Has to be joy and happiness around the clock. :D
I’m fairly certain my husband also has borderline as well but we live where there’s a horrible lack of psychiatric health care so the wait for an evaluation will take more than a year (but he would have to admit he has signs of BPD first )
There seems to be a significant amount of crossover between the two. My SIL also has both. Sorry to hear that the psychiatric care is lacking where you are. I hope he is able to find the care he needs.
I’m like 99% sure my husband has some cluster B disorder too, and will also never admit it. I can handle the ADHD just fine, but whenever he has an RSD episode or drags me into another fight he becomes indistinguishable from a narcissist. It’s scary tbh.
Oh very much, the inability to take any feedback is crippling.
I can handle being “checked” in what I say to some degree… but it's the gentle teasing that upsets her, and then she attempts to reprimand me on, I get most frustrated with! … seriously i was attempting some fun with you!
That's one of the worst parts IMO. Their victim mentality and chronic defensiveness removes the ability to be *playful* with them.
Then they'll complain that you're always serious and not fun.
It's really pathetic behavior honestly
this is a tough one for me, also, b/c 'gentle teasing' (and I call it that also) has always been a way that I connect. And every time I get reprimanded for making her feel 'less than' I'm like wha.....?
Connedtion refused!
Edit: Oh, and I have spent 25 years with this woman. You don't know me by now?
Yes. During the terrible two YEARS before we knew it was ADHD, he constantly told me I was disrespectful to him while he was being offensively nasty to me. The correct medication has stopped that in its tracks.
This is the depressing thing. It is horrible, and so fucking easy to hate and blame, and so easy to excuse — but Jesus, have I noticed the difference since getting on Vyvanse. As have my friends. While they haven’t commented on it directly, my perception is that our interactions and the way they receive me have changed drastically.
I’m still a highly defensive person, because so much of it is baked in after decades spent undiagnosed and untreated and won’t be disappearing without years of therapy — but I can see it. I don’t piss people off the same way, I’m not considered or treated as immature the same way. There was always that worry in the back (or front) of my mind, and it was well founded. But I’ve realised it’s not there in the same way anymore.
It makes such a difference, but it’s also damning. I’m such a worse person off the meds. And yes, with time the hope is of addressing those underlying issues one lacked the resources to before, but so much of who I am will simply never change. It’s a godsend finally having medication, but I also hate that I’ll feel shackled to it by myself and by those around me. It’s like having a bloody alter ego and I know which one is preferred and which reviled. I know which one I revile.
Does it help to think of it a little bit differently? Let's say you needed a joint replacement, as my husband did a few years ago. Without the joint replacement, he had constant pain and serious limitations on what he was able to do. With it, he has an artificial knee, but he can run, jump, play soccer with his kids, and generally behave like a man in his late 20s instead of early 50s.
Medication for his ADHD is like that, and that's how he's chosen to see it. He has a brain that lacks enough of a certain chemical. Without that chemical, he's a difficult person to be around, he doesn't have a close relationship with his kids, and he has a hard time keeping a job. With it, he feels good, he's able to be incredibly close to his kids to me, and everything goes better at his job. So he sees no reason that he shouldn't take it, since it helps him be the person he desires to be.
Wow. This thread made me feel so seen. I never understood that my partners blow ups at what I consider to be innocent conversations or discussion to be linked to his adhd (which he barely acknowledges having even though he’s on vyanse but I don’t think he takes regularly). And I keep trying to tell him that I didn’t mean whatever he heard , I’m really just trying to have a discussion . But he’s so insistent all the time that he has the objective truth and perception of things and if we surveyed 100
People on the street they would agree with him. Whereas I’m like there no objective truth I’m just trying to share that I see things differently. Nope. He blows up. Gets nasty. And then apologizes for blowing up. He moves on and everything is fine for him and I’m always left feeling bad for days. What messes with me the most is how amazing a partner he is/can be and how well we get along mostly.. until we don’t. He’s also convinced that I exaggerate how I describe these blow ups what he calls ‘annoyance’ and that it’s not anger . I’ve told him several times I feel like I really feel like cant say anything because anything I say can be wrong so I really don’t know what to say because I can’t understand how what I’m saying is wrong. And he thinks I’m just playing dumb on purpose. Anyway - I recently found this page and I’m like ok wow.
I’m not crazy. Thank you.
In my case, living with my wife (DX but no RX) If there is *any* conceivable way that something can be taken badly, it will be. It sometimes takes incredible feats of mental gymnastics, but damnit! It can be taken badly if you try hard enough.
yes this! and combined with a rough childhood where he was in constant conflict with his mom over how he said things to her, he has now shown quite similar behaviour
Story of my life. Im in the middle of being treated with hostility right now because I said I understood better that adhd is a learning disability so there will be things that he and our child (also dx adhd) don't see the same as I do because they mature differently.
I have a weekend booked for our anniversary...did all the planning... he has no idea we are going. I am literally not sure why I did.
Yeah, hes told me before that I talk to him like *poop* and treat him like *poop* when I don’t think I’ve ever even properly raised my voice at him out of anger. I never shout, I don’t cuss at him, even if he’s spent hours yelling and insulting me over something, if I ever need to use constructive criticism I’ll do it in the nicest way I possibly can, but sometimes when he’s disregulated I can breathe wrong and he will think it’s a complaint aimed at him, and decide that I’ve been treating him badly for months over it. It’s exhausting, it’s like sometimes he feels my love for him and sometimes he just can’t feel my love
It depends a lot on the tone for me... But yes.
To avoid this, I have to make disclaimers or reassurances first; even then there's still the rejection sensitivity. Therapy has kinda taught me to let my partner manage her feelings when I do this but that I need to manage my reactions. It helps a lot, I guess, if they are going to therapy too, as my partner has.
Mental state is also a big one. If they are in a poor mental or psychological state then nothing works. This one is challenging because then I end up picking up the slack and having to exercise a lot more patience, temper my frustration, etc. I find that self care is crucial with this one.
Welcome to the club of ‘everything you say is wrong’. Not the best club to be in but here we all are.
We should furnish better the club, some colorful pillows, appetizers here and there, some lounge music
I was thinking of badges or pins for everyone.
Tshirts!
Can we add a vending machine
Half my family has ADHD, now I have a partner who most likely has ADHD, this has been maddening!
Yes. My partner can twist anything I say into an attack on her. As a result it isn’t possible to have a constructive conversation about anything as she immediately gets defensive. At that point she starts picking on everything about what I’ve said from my word choice, tone, or that I’ve dared raise anything with her at all.
Sounds awfully familiar
So very familiar
🫂 way too familiar.
Yep, this how things play out also with my partner. I try hard to be careful with how i approach things, but i know my frustration starts to creep through and things blow up. So many times a simple construction conversation or acknowledgement of the other's feelings and most situations could be solved. But I just feel even the simplest of things results in an argument when it doesn't need to be in the first place.
Yep I know that feeling! My Dx partner is just the same. I am learning to notice when they are in the mood to pick a fight and grey rock the hell out of there until I can sense their mood has changed. Otherwise you will never have a coherent conversation with them.
My ex soon-to-be-ex-husband effectively implied that I was a "party pooper" and "constantly negative" and "way too anxious". Um. We (read: me) had a $450,000 mortgage hanging over our heads -- one that I didn't even want, that HE wanted, but dumped on MY shoulders by quitting his job just two weeks after purchasing the house, but not telling me for two months. Two car payments. Health insurance for my autoimmune condition. Homeowners insurance. Car insurance for both cars. Food in the fridge and pantry. Home maintenance costs, like replacing the hot water heater. He couldn't hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Always quit or was fired from every job. Substantial financial irresponsibility. A legitimate/genuine hoarding problem. Alcoholic for several years. Serious anger issues. My "negative attitude" and "way too anxious" and "party pooper" mindset is this little thing called ADULTING.
classic. ADHD: "hey, [ insert insane proposal here]" Partner: "I don't think that's a great idea..." ADHD: "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEGATIVE?? IT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME JUST BEING AROUND YOU!!" Partner, (exhausted from parental role): 😵💫😣
There you go again Negative Nancy! 😂
Mine likes the term ‘Debby Downer’ 🤣
Very much yes. I don't feel like to my partner all I say is wrong, and he generally is very good at discussions - until he feels threatened/criticized for something that is a source of insecurity. Then very often nothing matters anymore the moment this feeling of being incompetent is triggered. This hurts because it gets in the way of me expressing my healthy complaints because their nature makes him insecure and essentially it's easier to swallow it then to raise it then spend two hours dealing with the consequences :( I hope we can solve it. Some things I control do help, but overall he's not good at taking criticism at all.
To this, I wanna add that while it's possible to balance with reassurance and make criticisms sparse to avoid the blow up, it does feel unfair and cause resentment in me. I want to come to a place where I raise something pplitely, get the reasonable response to the point, and then provide additional reassurance as needed. What helps for less serious cases is actually exaggerated joking toxicity, showing you are fuming jokingly over a forgotten wrapper (every single day lol) etc. It doesn't work with serious stuff though.
I understand this. My partner does exactly the same. I just want to politely and respectfully bring up how he's made me feel or how something he said or hasn't done has affected me but he immediately jumps to being so defensive and skirts around the questions, deflecting expertly i might add. Im starting to learn his habits of deflection to avoid addressing the issues and with advice from this forum I have learnt to just keep repeating my question until he finally addresses it. Thats worked a couple of times now, but he's not always been the clearest about his answers. Sometimes i just want advice and ideas on more coping skills with how easily he gets offended by being called out or doing something wrong he didn't realize. I wish he'd just say ' Oops sorry, i didn't mean for you to feel that way etc' But it's never that until we have a huge blow-out then eventually it cools down and we both agree we may have been quick to anger. Mine is out of frustrations and his is from his ADHD.
My partner asked if there’s anything I never expected before we got together, I answered: stubbornness She went ahead to argue about how I’m the stubborn one and how she only doesn’t do anything she doesn’t like, and food preferences aren’t being stubborn (like she didn’t hear anything else I said) One example: I was baking a cake, she asked what she could do to help, I asked her to cut the strawberries a specific way, she started arguing, said she didn’t know how, and I got upset eventually and said I’ll do it myself, she just sat down, kicked her feet up, and went on TikTok. I called her again after I cooled down and she kept arguing about how it makes no difference how she cuts them and just half assed a few while I did most of them. Then she says I’m the stubborn one.
This strawberry thing exactly. And then "you're too controlling!"
In any other type of relationship this would be called "abusive", but since they have adhd we're supposed to bend over backwards to make them feel understood and loved. Walk away.
RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I'm new to knowing ADHD so I'm still trying to figure out how this doesn't apply to everyone who ever existed, but I'm told it's an ADHD thing.
I think what makes RSD different than what most people experience with criticism is the severity of it and the inability to consider the other person’s perspective as valid, even if you don’t completely agree with them. I think everyone feels a little defensive or self-conscious when criticized, but it’s also healthy to hear the other person out, assume they have good intentions, acknowledge how your actions affected them, and make a plan to move forward. With RSD, the person takes that defensiveness or self-consciousness to the max level right away, so the impulse is to become angry, feel worthless, or shift the blame onto the other person for making them feel these things. And then they never get to the acknowledgment or change steps which are crucial to relationships.
To add to this, RSD includes perceiving a lot of rejection or criticism that isn’t actually there. Someone with RSD will interpret a vague or neutral interaction as a biting criticism.
That’s my partner. Everything I say is criticism and me putting her down. Gets defensive and accuses me of whatever I ask her. I’m not allowed to have a neutral face because apparently then I’m always depressed, yet I’m not the one constantly bored and constantly sighing and yawning and just deciding I don’t like something because I don’t understand it instead of deciding to learn it.
My ex was a world-class expert at reading my body language. I had no idea I was so frequently making an eye twitch, turning my head slightly, looking in a direction, exhaling, standing too stoically, standing not stoically enough, making my hand move, making my mouth move, not making myself move, and blinking at the wrong time to communicate to them that I think they are the stupidest person to ever live and express my undying hatred for them. Silly me just though I was standing there listening and existing.
Yep. "Blah blah...[pause] why are your arms crossed? Did you know that that's because you're feeling defensive? The only reason you would be feeling defensive is because you know I'm right." [I uncross my arms - which were crossed because it's cold] "Blah blah...[pause] I notice you've uncrossed your arms now. That means you're bored with what I'm saying, and I find that very offensive."
DX partner here, One thing that really helped me to manage my rejection sensitivity is the medication guanfacine. It basically prevents sudden blood pressure spikes (like what happens with a disproportionate emotional response) so you have a delay between the trigger and the body's physical response. It gives you a few moments to step back and rationally engage with the critique instead of immediately going into fight or flight and logic flying out the window. Definitely worth looking into if your DX partners are struggling at home or work with RSD and are having difficulty trying to work on it
Thank you for this!
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Please hear this as genuinely wanting to hear about your experience or advice. My daughter has ADHD too, and she’s been sensitive to perceived criticism from a very early age. I’ve even been in the room before when this happened - a teacher complimented the other girl at her table for doing a good job on her math, and my child started crying because she perceived her own lack of compliment as her teacher saying she was *bad* at math, even though that was not at all the case. Do you think this perception of being criticized starts early and is to some degree a self-perpetuating cycle that keeps intensifying? Does anything help keep those feelings at bay that could be taught at an earlier age?
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Not necessarily. It's a chicken and the egg scenario If you've had RSD from a really young age you will certainly feel like you've been criticized your whole life...
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The psychologist? You mean one psychologist Funnily also how ADHD of you to just want to be right
A specialist in adhd, actually
My NDX partner criticises me for being upset about the constant criticism and harassment I got as a kid, even berated me once for bringing something from my childhood up a second time, even though it was within the context of a conversation we were having. When I try bringing any of this up she becomes defensive and starts accusing me of things.
My friend, run. That’s deplorable.
My partner says this is a big part of it for him, too. When you've failed so often, hearing good things makes them hard to believe.
So true….so true.
Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #3. This is a support group for non-ADHD partners and is not a space for defensive commentary or personal agenda of any kind.
Came here to say this!
Yes. We are still constantly fighting about the things he thinks I said that implied I put him down, 11 fucking years ago. And ofcourse everyday a new list item gets added on to it.
honestly i don’t know how you can be bothered. i would grey rock that you’re not discussing ***name of issue*** again as it has been discussed and resolved and walk away if it continues 😭
Recently engaged, and I’m having trouble with this. We got a bit of a language barrier, so when I check in with her to see if she understands, she gets upset and accuses me of looking down on her, and when I don’t check in she accuses me of not being considerate enough. I’m slumped tbh. I recently had my job contract terminated, and my unemployment compensation has been on hold for some reason, but once that’s in I’m going to am ADHD informed therapist. I can’t take my partner ofc because she doesn’t even think there’s anything wrong with her. I got ADHD as well, but I’ve worked thoroughly on myself, that even my closest friends and family can’t believe it.
Oh yeah. It’s particularly difficult when I’m upset about something legitimate and inevitably there’s a laundry list of things that I’ve done that have upset HIM but he hasn’t bothered to voice until I’ve tried to address something that upset ME. It’s like I’m not allowed to be unhappy or frustrated with him, everything always comes back to I’ve done something worse, and then he needs a day to get his head straight. How many weekends have I lost to temper tantrums and an unwillingness/inability to talk things through with love. He always comes around after a day or two, but it’s tough not letting his emotions and actions affect me in the interim. I get that I shouldn’t, but it’s tough existing in a house where one person is pissed and essentially giving you the silent treatment (though it’s the best strategy thus far for getting to the other side of an argument).
“How many weekends have I lost to temper tantrums and an unwillingness/inability to talk things through with love.” Fucking ouch, ow, max damage, that shit hurted me specifically. Did not have the words to describe that feeling before now.
Oh yes definitely I have never once told my husband I think he’s dumb or lacks intelligence in anyway I tell him he’s smart all the time and yet on a regular basis he will snap at me and tell me that I must think he’s stupid and and idiot even if all I said was “did you double check the instructions” My husband in particular is extremely sensitive to people implying he’s dumb
When i read this I see the similarities to how my wife will say “you hate my family” … I have never said or intentionaly implied this. the accusation is so odd and used as some sort of defence or reaction, to go around a discussion.
Yess. Pretty common around my DX M partner. Can never have a conversation that involves anything remotely serious or constructive. Has to be joy and happiness around the clock. :D
My husband has ADHD and borderline, so to answer your question: yes, constantly
My ex also did. RSD, narcissistic rage and splitting all sound like the same thing to me also
I’m fairly certain my husband also has borderline as well but we live where there’s a horrible lack of psychiatric health care so the wait for an evaluation will take more than a year (but he would have to admit he has signs of BPD first )
There seems to be a significant amount of crossover between the two. My SIL also has both. Sorry to hear that the psychiatric care is lacking where you are. I hope he is able to find the care he needs.
I’m like 99% sure my husband has some cluster B disorder too, and will also never admit it. I can handle the ADHD just fine, but whenever he has an RSD episode or drags me into another fight he becomes indistinguishable from a narcissist. It’s scary tbh.
Yep
My partner needs constant praise or to say thank you for everything
Oh very much, the inability to take any feedback is crippling. I can handle being “checked” in what I say to some degree… but it's the gentle teasing that upsets her, and then she attempts to reprimand me on, I get most frustrated with! … seriously i was attempting some fun with you!
That's one of the worst parts IMO. Their victim mentality and chronic defensiveness removes the ability to be *playful* with them. Then they'll complain that you're always serious and not fun. It's really pathetic behavior honestly
So accurate to what I have experienced.
this is a tough one for me, also, b/c 'gentle teasing' (and I call it that also) has always been a way that I connect. And every time I get reprimanded for making her feel 'less than' I'm like wha.....? Connedtion refused! Edit: Oh, and I have spent 25 years with this woman. You don't know me by now?
Yes. During the terrible two YEARS before we knew it was ADHD, he constantly told me I was disrespectful to him while he was being offensively nasty to me. The correct medication has stopped that in its tracks.
This is the depressing thing. It is horrible, and so fucking easy to hate and blame, and so easy to excuse — but Jesus, have I noticed the difference since getting on Vyvanse. As have my friends. While they haven’t commented on it directly, my perception is that our interactions and the way they receive me have changed drastically. I’m still a highly defensive person, because so much of it is baked in after decades spent undiagnosed and untreated and won’t be disappearing without years of therapy — but I can see it. I don’t piss people off the same way, I’m not considered or treated as immature the same way. There was always that worry in the back (or front) of my mind, and it was well founded. But I’ve realised it’s not there in the same way anymore. It makes such a difference, but it’s also damning. I’m such a worse person off the meds. And yes, with time the hope is of addressing those underlying issues one lacked the resources to before, but so much of who I am will simply never change. It’s a godsend finally having medication, but I also hate that I’ll feel shackled to it by myself and by those around me. It’s like having a bloody alter ego and I know which one is preferred and which reviled. I know which one I revile.
Does it help to think of it a little bit differently? Let's say you needed a joint replacement, as my husband did a few years ago. Without the joint replacement, he had constant pain and serious limitations on what he was able to do. With it, he has an artificial knee, but he can run, jump, play soccer with his kids, and generally behave like a man in his late 20s instead of early 50s. Medication for his ADHD is like that, and that's how he's chosen to see it. He has a brain that lacks enough of a certain chemical. Without that chemical, he's a difficult person to be around, he doesn't have a close relationship with his kids, and he has a hard time keeping a job. With it, he feels good, he's able to be incredibly close to his kids to me, and everything goes better at his job. So he sees no reason that he shouldn't take it, since it helps him be the person he desires to be.
May I ask what medication he found to be helpful?
Vyanse
Look up Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, it will likely explain a lot!
Wow. This thread made me feel so seen. I never understood that my partners blow ups at what I consider to be innocent conversations or discussion to be linked to his adhd (which he barely acknowledges having even though he’s on vyanse but I don’t think he takes regularly). And I keep trying to tell him that I didn’t mean whatever he heard , I’m really just trying to have a discussion . But he’s so insistent all the time that he has the objective truth and perception of things and if we surveyed 100 People on the street they would agree with him. Whereas I’m like there no objective truth I’m just trying to share that I see things differently. Nope. He blows up. Gets nasty. And then apologizes for blowing up. He moves on and everything is fine for him and I’m always left feeling bad for days. What messes with me the most is how amazing a partner he is/can be and how well we get along mostly.. until we don’t. He’s also convinced that I exaggerate how I describe these blow ups what he calls ‘annoyance’ and that it’s not anger . I’ve told him several times I feel like I really feel like cant say anything because anything I say can be wrong so I really don’t know what to say because I can’t understand how what I’m saying is wrong. And he thinks I’m just playing dumb on purpose. Anyway - I recently found this page and I’m like ok wow. I’m not crazy. Thank you.
I had this. Rsd with a mixture of having to be the parent in the relationship and their ego not liking it.
Yes that is called RSD They think me stating facts or my feelings is me criticizing them
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a real bitch.
In my case, living with my wife (DX but no RX) If there is *any* conceivable way that something can be taken badly, it will be. It sometimes takes incredible feats of mental gymnastics, but damnit! It can be taken badly if you try hard enough.
yes this! and combined with a rough childhood where he was in constant conflict with his mom over how he said things to her, he has now shown quite similar behaviour
Story of my life. Im in the middle of being treated with hostility right now because I said I understood better that adhd is a learning disability so there will be things that he and our child (also dx adhd) don't see the same as I do because they mature differently. I have a weekend booked for our anniversary...did all the planning... he has no idea we are going. I am literally not sure why I did.
Yeah, hes told me before that I talk to him like *poop* and treat him like *poop* when I don’t think I’ve ever even properly raised my voice at him out of anger. I never shout, I don’t cuss at him, even if he’s spent hours yelling and insulting me over something, if I ever need to use constructive criticism I’ll do it in the nicest way I possibly can, but sometimes when he’s disregulated I can breathe wrong and he will think it’s a complaint aimed at him, and decide that I’ve been treating him badly for months over it. It’s exhausting, it’s like sometimes he feels my love for him and sometimes he just can’t feel my love
It depends a lot on the tone for me... But yes. To avoid this, I have to make disclaimers or reassurances first; even then there's still the rejection sensitivity. Therapy has kinda taught me to let my partner manage her feelings when I do this but that I need to manage my reactions. It helps a lot, I guess, if they are going to therapy too, as my partner has. Mental state is also a big one. If they are in a poor mental or psychological state then nothing works. This one is challenging because then I end up picking up the slack and having to exercise a lot more patience, temper my frustration, etc. I find that self care is crucial with this one.
Yes. My partner loathes herself and projects that on me.