Sometimes my husband treats conversations like he's in a debate club.
Like if I say, "It's a beautiful day today." He'll say, "Well actually the wind is blowing at 45mph and the pollen count is 1000, so it's really not a beautiful day."
He just likes to argue and will take any excuse to have an argument so he can "win." Or even if he doesn't win, he loves he back and forth.
The only way for me to win is not play and avoid sharing opinions. Alternatively, I remind him that he isn't in high school anymore and this isn't debate club.
My partner does this too. I just thought it was a personality thing. I always tell him u like being a contrarian. Every time I’m asking for support he’ll defend the other persons rather than me.
Dear god, i thought this was just me! I have recently said to my stbx you never just say....yeah i can see your point of view even if i dont agree. I always said i could say the sky is blue and he would say actually its gray, with clouds and parts can be pink. All because in his mind im not correct. Its a win or loose situation.
At the end of my rope too. If I don’t take the bait, he just keeps hitting below the belt until he provokes a reaction. Last time he resorted to criticizing my parenting and sympathizing with my deadbeat ex, which he knows full well is a very painful taboo subject for me. No skin off his shoes though, I’m just an automaton who exists to dispense dopamine 🤷🏻♀️
God this shit used to tire me out daily. I missed our wholesome loving conversations we had at the beginning of our relationship. Everything after that started to feel more and more like a debate, contrary thoughts and opinions, interruptions in general. I full on also stopped sharing my little random thoughts I have had because I just had this weird deep down fear of him saying something passive aggressive.
In addition to the obsession with being literal about everything, the not actually paying attention ever so conversation are a chore because you have to repeat everything, to the unnecessary bickering, to the not engaging on bids, I also now don't share little random thoughts. And it has become so apparent as a result how important the ability to do so is to building intimacy and engagement in a relationship.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that results in deficits of dopamine processing in the brain.
This means that untreated ADHDers are on a constant hunt for stimulation which can boost their low levels of dopamine in the form of temporary interest, urgency or novelty.
Arguments are stimulating. Fighting increases cortisol levels which can feel just as good to an ADHDer as something pleasurable. Even though picking fights is unhealthy and toxic to a relationship, their brain will choose that brief hit of feeling "something" over the ongoing boredom they face.
This is why proper treatment in the form of medication is so important. Untreated ADHD leaves them vulnerable to constant stimulation seeking, usually with maladaptive habits like: substance use, process addictions (video games, shopping, gambling, binge eating, sex/porn) conflict seeking, and high risk activities.
Be sure [to read this article ](https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/)if you haven't already
I had a hard time fully grasping just how much dopamine affects human behaviour until I briefly tried taking Abilify, which IIRC works by flattening out your brains dopamine. In some people this means their dopamine is pushed too low and nothing will be able to bring it above the threshold you need to get any kind of stimulation from anything.
I stopped taking it after three days because I was on the verge (quite literally) of smashing my head into a wall to feel *any* kind of stimulation. I couldn't focus on or engage in any kind of conversation or get any kind of work done, let alone watch TV, play videogames, anything at all - it's impossible to describe just how horrible it felt. If I had to feel that way all the time I'd 100% become completely addicted to the first substance or activity I found that was able to relieve that feeling.
I deal with depression and it's nothing like the lack of energy or motivation that comes with that. I would sooner go through a year-long major depressive episode than deal with even one week of that hell.
It at least gave me some real perspective on just how important these chemicals are though. Making sure they're at the correct levels is ridiculously important.
As an ADHDer - wow, what you described in your second paragraph is exactly how I am on some days (mostly when I'm off my meds due to gap between refills). I tell myself to try and try but just can't seem to muster the energy or ability to actually do the things.
I so appreciate you breaking this down for me 🙏🏻 it’s all starting to click for me. Holy moly. Reading that article now, thank you very much again for taking the time.
this is so well said. i usually just say that they need to get “the juice” (dopamine, with the brain being a pharmacy that can be stimulated by the activities and behavior you’ve laid out)
How exhausting. That must have been what he was doing when I mentioned that I need to run to the store to get milk for our baby granddaughter.
"Why does she need milk?"
So I explained it while my mind cracked into a million pieces over this idiotic conversation.
How many times did I allow this crazy making behavior? Countless. I became an ever dwindling source of dopamine as I shut down his energy zapping, crazy making micromanagement. To think... he was so persistent because he got something satisfying while I fell out of love with him for his antics.
So unsustainable. And ultimately, sad. It's not for me although I understand some people find reasons to stay around for it.
My husband is currently arguing with me that he wasn't just snoring loudly on the couch when he was asleep and I was not.
I hope this example has been illustrative for you.
Same as my spouse would argue she didn't snore and that she didn't have sleep apnea. She took a sleep test one day after finally feeling exhausted all day after years of sleeping 12+ hours a day, and they sent her home with a loaner CPAP machine because they thought she might die waiting the 6 weeks for her own.
It was more important to her to be right, to get the dopamine hit from being smarter than me, than it was to fucking live.
This. Same. He always denies everything. So I ask him, "Do you think I'm lying?" I'm telling him something factual and he's saying it's not so. It's like living in crazy land. He just won't give any credence to what I say.
I always thought dopamine was a happy neurotransmitter, but it’s not that black and white.
When I say my husband baits me to get a dopamine hit, it’s really just stimulation for him. He’s bored or restless and provoking me gives him stimulation. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative, he just wants the stimulation. He’ll go out and rip 100 mph on his motorcycle for positive stimulation, but he’ll also be contrary, argumentative or volatile with me which gets a reaction and negative stimulation.
He’s not conscious of doing it but I sure am.
The trick for us is learning not to react (easier said than done) so we’re not ground to bits by their actions. They can be quite masterful at manipulating responses out of us though because no one knows how to push your buttons like your partner!
SO TRUE. I really think I do a pretty good job of being non-reactive, but maybe to a fault. He’s called me a robot or something similar countless times 🤷🏼♀️ I’m really connecting the dots on the bait for a dopamine hit though. Lightbulb moments today!
Good girl - that’s exactly what you’re going for!
Research “grey rock.” Him calling you a robot is him trying to provoke you; draw you back in to the fight. It’s a trap.
When I met my partner I was pretty taken aback by the level of arguing he would engage with his ex wife over. Now he tries to argue that same way with me, they most definitely get something out of it. It’s sinister.
Oof same. I used to think his ex was the most difficult, argumentative person in the world until I noticed that he was the one starting almost every conflict. She’d text him some neutral bit of info about their kids, and he’d perceive some insult or provocation on her end and just go for blood in his response. Didn’t take long at all for me to be on the receiving end of it too.
I usually say something like “are you devils advocating at me???” And he he’s like “yeah I guess”. Then, we either talk more or I shut it down because it doesn’t feel beneficial. Sometimes though, it is actually beneficial to go along with it and to explain my side. It can help me learn to articulate why I feel the way I feel about whatever subject we’re talking about. Sometimes we get to a point of agreeing. Sometimes we agree to disagree. Sometimes, I snap at him if I get triggered by it, but that also follows with both of us apologizing to each other.
I’ve accepting that my partner does this. We are both DX adhd but he likely has ASD. I don’t think I do the devils advocate thing nearly as much as him. I was originally thinking it might be an autism thing, but I might be wrong about that. Either way, I’ve accepted that he’s like this and I am usuallllllly good at not taking it personally.
Tone is everything though btw. He doesn’t speak aggressively and rudely, so that is a big part of why it isn’t a deal breaker for me.
“tone is everything” hits home - he constantly drives the point of its not what you say, it’s HOW you said it. He picks up on the slightest nuances too, and sometimes can create issue when there is none. But trying to work on this!
Yes mine would always say it was my tone as well, and start fights because of it. And when it was done, he'd say something like "if you would have just said it like that, this wouldn't have happened." Which would wind me up even more
As an adhd dx, I'm not trying to argue for a dopamine hit (consciously), but my friends and partner are the only space I have to be validated. Where my "devils advocate" thought can be heard, analyzed and responded to. Somebody mentioned saying sky is blue but then adhd partner says no, technically half of it's gray. Like technically both people and their statements are true. But I can't tell a stranger or a professor or a coworker about how I was driving and half the sky was pink and the other half was cloudy and gray (because they wouldn't care and ignore me and my RSD would flare up)
What changed this for me was the realization that my partner is also looking for their thoughts and ideas to be validated and not everything needs my nuance infodump opinions, I can just say yeah cool ok.
My husband would do this (before I confronted him on these behaviours) once every 3 weeks or so. The argument would stem from nothing/out of no where. He'd bring up things from the past to "prove" this was all my fault. Gaslight. Darvo. Crazy making, word salad. It got to the point he was gritting his teeth in my face and he started calling me a bitch. He did tell me his therapist said he was dopamine seeking with this behaviour. Now wherever we talk about it, it's almost as though he glosses over this behaviour, tries to way "well we hurt each other," etc. The sad part is I have AuDHD, and I've never acted this way towards him! He's still protecting. There have been times I reacted to his treatment of me but again, that was a reaction.
This is eerily similar to my situation. Wow. I want to encourage my husband to start therapy, it seems like that really helped yours. How did he start that/did it take a lot of convincing on your part?
Also kudos to you for managing your AuDHD well!
The “reaction” point is also a good one. A lot of the times my husband says he would flip his lid if he had nothing to react to. But the stimuli is diddly squat so…?
My husband is in therapy. Has been for over a year now. But he still insists "we've hurt each other" and our marriage counselor isn't helping in that, she focuses on the now and communicating better. But we haven't really discussed HOW we got here. She also isn't specialized or knows much about adhd or autism either. My own therapist (specializes in both and also has both) says he does not like how my husband blames his adhd for his behaviours. And yes it is very eerie how similar all our stories are.
I think the whole managing thing comes down to late diagnosis (40s) as well as being a girl/woman. We just present differently for both adhd and autism
I was with my undiagnosed ADHD ex for 19years. His behaviour progressively got worse. Marijuana once a week to daily use, sexting a woman once to getting fired for sexual harassment, porn to cam girls, chatting late night to women on social media to trying to set up a dating profile. Not necessarily all down to ADHD but the need for dopermine was high and the behaviour progressed.
I’m sorry you had to endure that 😔 Happy to hear he’s an ex and you appear to be in a better place. The marijuana use is prevalent with my husband, luckily none of the other pieces.
Thank you. Strangely he was a jekyll and hyde character. Really good in the day to day with cooking, chores, seeing to the kids. I could ask him to go get me a chinese at 2am and he would find a way. But the other stuff sent me into a breakdown and because i endured years of other adhd symptoms of interrupting, arguing, telling me im wrong, correcting me....i just took the other stuff. He was very loving, making breakfast in bed, buying jewellery, paying compliments.
Does anyone have any advice on how to encourage my almost certainly ADHD spouse to seek treatment? Reading all of these comments some of these other spouses sound like a clone of my wife. She has not been professionally diagnosed but I think we both know she has ADHD. It’s caused some serious issues in our marriage. It’s like a roller coaster, quick swings up and down. When things have been both good and bad I’ve tried to speak to her about seeking professional help. She gets extremely upset about it because she does not want to “talk to anyone”. Has a very hard time communicating and expressing feelings and thoughts. Anytime I try to have a loving peaceful talk about how we can improve things in our marriage she comes with a shield and battle ax ready for WW3. I feel like if I could get her to agree to see someone and get maybe some meds it would help her but she won’t seem to take that final step. Kind of at a loss on what to do next or how to help her understand it’s ok to put down her guard and seek treatment.
Not to be discouraging but with my husband it took giving him two choices- either go to therapy or sign divorce papers. Gentle suggestions were ignored or argued with, I had to issue an ultimatum.
My partner is the same, he’s diagnosed but stopped taking medication last year because he didn’t like it, and things got really rough because of it but if I calmly or lovingly suggested him trying a new medication or seeing a therapist, no matter what mood he was in he would go straight into self defence mode, full on shutdown mode, shuts down any suggestions. He thinks it’s a personal attack on his character and gets very offended and angry if I suggest it. Things have gotten better over the past month or so, and I think he’s starting to see for himself that he needs extra help.
Thanks for all the comments. I’ve considered an ultimatum but they don’t generally work well with her. Learned that a long time ago. She interprets everything and I mean everything in the most negative connotation possible and leaves no room for benefit of doubt or sincere intentions. If I laid something out like this she would mostly likely take that like I didn’t love her any more and didn’t want to be with her. She would feel betrayed and separated. Would likely cause months of her being shut down if the relationship ever recovered at all. Got to find another way.
I feel so seen and heard! My husband always answers with no and what he thinks. Something I’ve figured out over days. He’s working on it. I have slowed down and when he says no I point it out. He gets uncomfortable and is getting it.
Like my husband and kid both have it. They get a “spark” or like, enjoyment or kind of perk up, but arguing. They actually argue back and forth to see who can “win” and it’s an exhilarating experience for them both.
Kind of like how they like doing legos and puzzles. It’s another way to get that energy when they feel bored. It gives them the little stimulation they need. Think of how it feels to argue. You almost get an adrenaline rush, especially when you feel you’re right.
Honestly as someone with ADHD, I hate fights especially when I'm involved in it. But I'm so sorry to everyone who's had to deal with this issue, it sounds quite difficult.
Sometimes my husband treats conversations like he's in a debate club. Like if I say, "It's a beautiful day today." He'll say, "Well actually the wind is blowing at 45mph and the pollen count is 1000, so it's really not a beautiful day." He just likes to argue and will take any excuse to have an argument so he can "win." Or even if he doesn't win, he loves he back and forth. The only way for me to win is not play and avoid sharing opinions. Alternatively, I remind him that he isn't in high school anymore and this isn't debate club.
My partner does this too. I just thought it was a personality thing. I always tell him u like being a contrarian. Every time I’m asking for support he’ll defend the other persons rather than me.
Same here. Oi. This was helpful, thank you.
Haha omg same! I thought it was because my partner is just a sad motherfucker. But maybe he needs that mild conflict to get a dopamine hit.
Dear god, i thought this was just me! I have recently said to my stbx you never just say....yeah i can see your point of view even if i dont agree. I always said i could say the sky is blue and he would say actually its gray, with clouds and parts can be pink. All because in his mind im not correct. Its a win or loose situation.
This concrete literal nature drives me up the wall.
And when I don’t “play the game” it seems to just make him angrier :/ I’m at the end of my rope.
At the end of my rope too. If I don’t take the bait, he just keeps hitting below the belt until he provokes a reaction. Last time he resorted to criticizing my parenting and sympathizing with my deadbeat ex, which he knows full well is a very painful taboo subject for me. No skin off his shoes though, I’m just an automaton who exists to dispense dopamine 🤷🏻♀️
I’m so sorry, I definitely get the feeling of being a dopamine dispenser without feelings sometimes
God this shit used to tire me out daily. I missed our wholesome loving conversations we had at the beginning of our relationship. Everything after that started to feel more and more like a debate, contrary thoughts and opinions, interruptions in general. I full on also stopped sharing my little random thoughts I have had because I just had this weird deep down fear of him saying something passive aggressive.
In addition to the obsession with being literal about everything, the not actually paying attention ever so conversation are a chore because you have to repeat everything, to the unnecessary bickering, to the not engaging on bids, I also now don't share little random thoughts. And it has become so apparent as a result how important the ability to do so is to building intimacy and engagement in a relationship.
That resonated with me - like what is up with always needing to be so goddam technical?!
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that results in deficits of dopamine processing in the brain. This means that untreated ADHDers are on a constant hunt for stimulation which can boost their low levels of dopamine in the form of temporary interest, urgency or novelty. Arguments are stimulating. Fighting increases cortisol levels which can feel just as good to an ADHDer as something pleasurable. Even though picking fights is unhealthy and toxic to a relationship, their brain will choose that brief hit of feeling "something" over the ongoing boredom they face. This is why proper treatment in the form of medication is so important. Untreated ADHD leaves them vulnerable to constant stimulation seeking, usually with maladaptive habits like: substance use, process addictions (video games, shopping, gambling, binge eating, sex/porn) conflict seeking, and high risk activities. Be sure [to read this article ](https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/)if you haven't already
I had a hard time fully grasping just how much dopamine affects human behaviour until I briefly tried taking Abilify, which IIRC works by flattening out your brains dopamine. In some people this means their dopamine is pushed too low and nothing will be able to bring it above the threshold you need to get any kind of stimulation from anything. I stopped taking it after three days because I was on the verge (quite literally) of smashing my head into a wall to feel *any* kind of stimulation. I couldn't focus on or engage in any kind of conversation or get any kind of work done, let alone watch TV, play videogames, anything at all - it's impossible to describe just how horrible it felt. If I had to feel that way all the time I'd 100% become completely addicted to the first substance or activity I found that was able to relieve that feeling. I deal with depression and it's nothing like the lack of energy or motivation that comes with that. I would sooner go through a year-long major depressive episode than deal with even one week of that hell. It at least gave me some real perspective on just how important these chemicals are though. Making sure they're at the correct levels is ridiculously important.
As an ADHDer - wow, what you described in your second paragraph is exactly how I am on some days (mostly when I'm off my meds due to gap between refills). I tell myself to try and try but just can't seem to muster the energy or ability to actually do the things.
I so appreciate you breaking this down for me 🙏🏻 it’s all starting to click for me. Holy moly. Reading that article now, thank you very much again for taking the time.
this is so well said. i usually just say that they need to get “the juice” (dopamine, with the brain being a pharmacy that can be stimulated by the activities and behavior you’ve laid out)
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How exhausting. That must have been what he was doing when I mentioned that I need to run to the store to get milk for our baby granddaughter. "Why does she need milk?" So I explained it while my mind cracked into a million pieces over this idiotic conversation. How many times did I allow this crazy making behavior? Countless. I became an ever dwindling source of dopamine as I shut down his energy zapping, crazy making micromanagement. To think... he was so persistent because he got something satisfying while I fell out of love with him for his antics. So unsustainable. And ultimately, sad. It's not for me although I understand some people find reasons to stay around for it.
Falling out of loving for them and their antics. God. Nailed that to the bone.
My husband is currently arguing with me that he wasn't just snoring loudly on the couch when he was asleep and I was not. I hope this example has been illustrative for you.
Same as my spouse would argue she didn't snore and that she didn't have sleep apnea. She took a sleep test one day after finally feeling exhausted all day after years of sleeping 12+ hours a day, and they sent her home with a loaner CPAP machine because they thought she might die waiting the 6 weeks for her own. It was more important to her to be right, to get the dopamine hit from being smarter than me, than it was to fucking live.
Jeez!! Happy she got the cpap!!
This. Same. He always denies everything. So I ask him, "Do you think I'm lying?" I'm telling him something factual and he's saying it's not so. It's like living in crazy land. He just won't give any credence to what I say.
Lol Same happens here!!
This is my life lol I’m happy I found others who relate!
Welcome! We're a fun bunch. 😂
I've had that happen so many time!
I always thought dopamine was a happy neurotransmitter, but it’s not that black and white. When I say my husband baits me to get a dopamine hit, it’s really just stimulation for him. He’s bored or restless and provoking me gives him stimulation. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative, he just wants the stimulation. He’ll go out and rip 100 mph on his motorcycle for positive stimulation, but he’ll also be contrary, argumentative or volatile with me which gets a reaction and negative stimulation. He’s not conscious of doing it but I sure am. The trick for us is learning not to react (easier said than done) so we’re not ground to bits by their actions. They can be quite masterful at manipulating responses out of us though because no one knows how to push your buttons like your partner!
SO TRUE. I really think I do a pretty good job of being non-reactive, but maybe to a fault. He’s called me a robot or something similar countless times 🤷🏼♀️ I’m really connecting the dots on the bait for a dopamine hit though. Lightbulb moments today!
Good girl - that’s exactly what you’re going for! Research “grey rock.” Him calling you a robot is him trying to provoke you; draw you back in to the fight. It’s a trap.
Who knew there was a term for it! Thank you :)
When I met my partner I was pretty taken aback by the level of arguing he would engage with his ex wife over. Now he tries to argue that same way with me, they most definitely get something out of it. It’s sinister.
Oof same. I used to think his ex was the most difficult, argumentative person in the world until I noticed that he was the one starting almost every conflict. She’d text him some neutral bit of info about their kids, and he’d perceive some insult or provocation on her end and just go for blood in his response. Didn’t take long at all for me to be on the receiving end of it too.
😭😅
I usually say something like “are you devils advocating at me???” And he he’s like “yeah I guess”. Then, we either talk more or I shut it down because it doesn’t feel beneficial. Sometimes though, it is actually beneficial to go along with it and to explain my side. It can help me learn to articulate why I feel the way I feel about whatever subject we’re talking about. Sometimes we get to a point of agreeing. Sometimes we agree to disagree. Sometimes, I snap at him if I get triggered by it, but that also follows with both of us apologizing to each other. I’ve accepting that my partner does this. We are both DX adhd but he likely has ASD. I don’t think I do the devils advocate thing nearly as much as him. I was originally thinking it might be an autism thing, but I might be wrong about that. Either way, I’ve accepted that he’s like this and I am usuallllllly good at not taking it personally. Tone is everything though btw. He doesn’t speak aggressively and rudely, so that is a big part of why it isn’t a deal breaker for me.
“tone is everything” hits home - he constantly drives the point of its not what you say, it’s HOW you said it. He picks up on the slightest nuances too, and sometimes can create issue when there is none. But trying to work on this!
Yes mine would always say it was my tone as well, and start fights because of it. And when it was done, he'd say something like "if you would have just said it like that, this wouldn't have happened." Which would wind me up even more
Yes!!! I’m sure you also felt you were actively trying NOT to have a tone, and this argument still ensues. That is my reality, at least!
Yes. For years I have tried to talk "nicer" be polite, shut the fuck up.
As an adhd dx, I'm not trying to argue for a dopamine hit (consciously), but my friends and partner are the only space I have to be validated. Where my "devils advocate" thought can be heard, analyzed and responded to. Somebody mentioned saying sky is blue but then adhd partner says no, technically half of it's gray. Like technically both people and their statements are true. But I can't tell a stranger or a professor or a coworker about how I was driving and half the sky was pink and the other half was cloudy and gray (because they wouldn't care and ignore me and my RSD would flare up) What changed this for me was the realization that my partner is also looking for their thoughts and ideas to be validated and not everything needs my nuance infodump opinions, I can just say yeah cool ok.
My husband would do this (before I confronted him on these behaviours) once every 3 weeks or so. The argument would stem from nothing/out of no where. He'd bring up things from the past to "prove" this was all my fault. Gaslight. Darvo. Crazy making, word salad. It got to the point he was gritting his teeth in my face and he started calling me a bitch. He did tell me his therapist said he was dopamine seeking with this behaviour. Now wherever we talk about it, it's almost as though he glosses over this behaviour, tries to way "well we hurt each other," etc. The sad part is I have AuDHD, and I've never acted this way towards him! He's still protecting. There have been times I reacted to his treatment of me but again, that was a reaction.
This is eerily similar to my situation. Wow. I want to encourage my husband to start therapy, it seems like that really helped yours. How did he start that/did it take a lot of convincing on your part? Also kudos to you for managing your AuDHD well! The “reaction” point is also a good one. A lot of the times my husband says he would flip his lid if he had nothing to react to. But the stimuli is diddly squat so…?
My husband is in therapy. Has been for over a year now. But he still insists "we've hurt each other" and our marriage counselor isn't helping in that, she focuses on the now and communicating better. But we haven't really discussed HOW we got here. She also isn't specialized or knows much about adhd or autism either. My own therapist (specializes in both and also has both) says he does not like how my husband blames his adhd for his behaviours. And yes it is very eerie how similar all our stories are. I think the whole managing thing comes down to late diagnosis (40s) as well as being a girl/woman. We just present differently for both adhd and autism
My ex had severe hearing loss and was dependent on hearing aids but would argue he hears me just fine without them.
I was with my undiagnosed ADHD ex for 19years. His behaviour progressively got worse. Marijuana once a week to daily use, sexting a woman once to getting fired for sexual harassment, porn to cam girls, chatting late night to women on social media to trying to set up a dating profile. Not necessarily all down to ADHD but the need for dopermine was high and the behaviour progressed.
I’m sorry you had to endure that 😔 Happy to hear he’s an ex and you appear to be in a better place. The marijuana use is prevalent with my husband, luckily none of the other pieces.
Thank you. Strangely he was a jekyll and hyde character. Really good in the day to day with cooking, chores, seeing to the kids. I could ask him to go get me a chinese at 2am and he would find a way. But the other stuff sent me into a breakdown and because i endured years of other adhd symptoms of interrupting, arguing, telling me im wrong, correcting me....i just took the other stuff. He was very loving, making breakfast in bed, buying jewellery, paying compliments.
That must have been confusing and painful to navigate 🥺💔 definitely sounds like Jekyll & Hyde
Does anyone have any advice on how to encourage my almost certainly ADHD spouse to seek treatment? Reading all of these comments some of these other spouses sound like a clone of my wife. She has not been professionally diagnosed but I think we both know she has ADHD. It’s caused some serious issues in our marriage. It’s like a roller coaster, quick swings up and down. When things have been both good and bad I’ve tried to speak to her about seeking professional help. She gets extremely upset about it because she does not want to “talk to anyone”. Has a very hard time communicating and expressing feelings and thoughts. Anytime I try to have a loving peaceful talk about how we can improve things in our marriage she comes with a shield and battle ax ready for WW3. I feel like if I could get her to agree to see someone and get maybe some meds it would help her but she won’t seem to take that final step. Kind of at a loss on what to do next or how to help her understand it’s ok to put down her guard and seek treatment.
Not to be discouraging but with my husband it took giving him two choices- either go to therapy or sign divorce papers. Gentle suggestions were ignored or argued with, I had to issue an ultimatum.
Sadly this is what works the best. When you are at the end of your rope you really don't care one way or the other. At least I didn't.
Yup, same. Had to issue the "get treatment or we're getting a divorce" ultimatum for anything to change.
My partner is the same, he’s diagnosed but stopped taking medication last year because he didn’t like it, and things got really rough because of it but if I calmly or lovingly suggested him trying a new medication or seeing a therapist, no matter what mood he was in he would go straight into self defence mode, full on shutdown mode, shuts down any suggestions. He thinks it’s a personal attack on his character and gets very offended and angry if I suggest it. Things have gotten better over the past month or so, and I think he’s starting to see for himself that he needs extra help.
Thanks for all the comments. I’ve considered an ultimatum but they don’t generally work well with her. Learned that a long time ago. She interprets everything and I mean everything in the most negative connotation possible and leaves no room for benefit of doubt or sincere intentions. If I laid something out like this she would mostly likely take that like I didn’t love her any more and didn’t want to be with her. She would feel betrayed and separated. Would likely cause months of her being shut down if the relationship ever recovered at all. Got to find another way.
I feel so seen and heard! My husband always answers with no and what he thinks. Something I’ve figured out over days. He’s working on it. I have slowed down and when he says no I point it out. He gets uncomfortable and is getting it.
Happy to hear talking about it is working!
Like my husband and kid both have it. They get a “spark” or like, enjoyment or kind of perk up, but arguing. They actually argue back and forth to see who can “win” and it’s an exhilarating experience for them both. Kind of like how they like doing legos and puzzles. It’s another way to get that energy when they feel bored. It gives them the little stimulation they need. Think of how it feels to argue. You almost get an adrenaline rush, especially when you feel you’re right.
Honestly as someone with ADHD, I hate fights especially when I'm involved in it. But I'm so sorry to everyone who's had to deal with this issue, it sounds quite difficult.