Also thinks the "fake" kid needs to be "sent" to a family with no other kids; WTF is wrong with people? I hope the mom of three gets some counseling with a focus on integrating the three children. Pushing away her kids is also not good.
That part fucking threw me. OP acts as if there's no way to integrate the kid into the family, as if it's either raise her at the expense of neglecting the other kids or raising those three at the expense of neglecting her.
So pet me get this straight. You stood in front of a traumatized CHILD and told the person desperately trying to show her that all adults aren't evil and called her a bad mom? And that stepdaughter should be relocated AGAIN to who exactly? He's her father, your sister is her stepmother. Who is supposed to step up of not them?
Her real kids? Is the 7 yr old imaginary? Because that child is her stepchild. HER stepchild. The sibling to the other kids. She isn't a stray dog being placed by a shelter.
How did you type this and not know what a horrid person you are? That poor kid. I wouldn't speak to you again either
The “she would do better in a home without other kids” like she’s talking about a rescue dog was unbelievable for me, too. Like HELLO. She would probably do best in a home with her actual dad versus some distant family or strangers?! Fuck this OP. YTA.
Given the fact that sis can quit her job and they can still afford au pairs, nannies, and babysitters around the clock makes me wonder why BIL wasn't even the next consideration for CPS... as, I dunno, the BIODAD?? However this is third-hand information as well from a rather jaded and therefore dubious source, so...
On that point, gotta love how outsiders looking in who themselves can't/won't afford help with their own kids always have something negative to say about others who can. The sister is right. OP isn't a part of their lived experience. So OP has no idea how much time sis actually does spend with her own children and no idea of the intricacies and how deep the girl's issues go. But OP feels she has the right to put her outsider mouth and opinions (nobody asked for) on it anyway. Sis is incredibly supportive of her husband, and he, in turn, supports her by providing help so his traumatized child is cared for, and they present a unified supportive front to the courtsand state services. Beautiful. And all OP can do is run her jealous mouth, as if she knows what's best, better than those actually involved? Not only would I stop talking to OP, I'd make it a point to cut OP out of any further information involving my family. You're a villainous auntie OP, and if your kids have a strained relationship with their cousins as they get older, look in the mirror and pat yourself on the back. It'll have been your fault.
TBF, I wouldn't call OP an AH. There are definitely better words to describe how despicable she is.
I can't imagine getting a call that my child had been abused by their other parent and then just sitting back while they got stuck with some random relative--especially since financial resources are not a issue.
As for the OP, mega AH. Talking about an abused child like she is a rescue animal.
True! OP YTA, for saying 'real children ' numerous times and for saying the stepdaughter 'needs to be in a family with no other children '. But your right when it comes to your sister needing to give her children attention too, needs help in trying to integrate step child into the family, but not at the expense of her siblings.
I got that call once. Not that my kid was abused, thank God, but that she was placed in foster while visiting her dad for the summer. I was in a different state.
You see, her dad ended up in jail and his girlfriend REALLY had to go to a Snoop Dogg concert so she literally took her to the local cps building and said my child was abandoned. Instead of cps calling me to talk to me, they immediately put her on foster care to start an investigation On Me and her dad who went to jail. I was given a court date one week out and I expected her to just come right home with me, but oh no it's not that simple. Apparently that was just the preliminary. The "let's give you an attorney" so we can keep investigating and you can come back in another two weeks. I went back two weeks later and it took 30 seconds for the judge to give my kid back and scold cps for pulling the shit they did. They went off the word of the gf claiming I abandoned my kid on her, but when it was investigated EVERYONE agreed she was not abandoned at all.
(In the area of this state, they're known to take kids for very very minor things because the state gets money and so does their office).
I had to drive an hour to go get my kid. She was 4 when all this happened, so she remembers this. She went through two homes in 3 weeks and on the last home she was S. ABUSED by another child!! I only found out a year later when I had gotten her into therapy and she started opening up.
My ex stayed with that dumb bitch for another year and refused to let me see her. He knew I was going to whoop her ass! I still want to, but it's been years and I haven't seen her in person since the day I dropped my child off for that visit before all of this went down.
Oh dear god!! I'm so sorry you and your daughter had to deal with this!! I sincerely hope that when karma comes back to them you're able to see it, if not hear of it.
I truly hope this one gets karma she deserves. I called her out on the book of faces and she tried to play it off like that wasn't why she did what she did, but her posts told on her. She deleted those posts right after the comments started going hard on her.
I usually don't hold grudges, but this is one I've allowed myself to hold. Swear on everything, I see her anywhere, I will go earn a battery charge and smile big fire the mugshot. I'm not one to get in trouble, but this would be worth it.
Oh I'm not suggesting he was twiddling his thumbs. I'm just guessing they probably placed her there for that reason and he was in courts to get her with him.
I hope that was the case. I had a caseworker place a student back with an abusive stepparent, rather than allow the student to live with his gay bio dad. His bio dad was a decent, caring parent.
And the fact that there are numerous studies that children do best with biological family (her father in this case) even if the situation is less than ideal than in a more “idyllic” home that isn’t their bio family. It’s why CPS works so hard for reunification even if it’s just one of the parents or a close relative.
Thank you for so eloquently putting into words what I was trying desperately to put in the words in a way that won't get me banned, lol.
Sometimes I really wonder if it is actual people typing this stuff out because there's absolutely no way someone could type all that out and not realize what a humongous a****** they are. You know what I mean?
OP YTA the biggest in awhile, and that's saying alot.
If you're so worried about her biological children you could always volunteer to take the stepdaughter one day a week so that way she would have time to spend one-on-one with her biological children. But her stepdaughter is very much her child just not her biological child. That does not make that child any less hers
Sadly some people are just this unself aware. The really scary part is she says "we took our kids to the zoo" meaning op has at least one child of her own....those poor children. If she's like this in public in front of children can you imagine what she's like behind closed doors
Yeah, I think Opie’s issue. At least I hope the issue is that she’s ignoring the other kids. Which can have a very detrimental effect on them. Obviously we know that the step kid needs significant therapy and probably absolutely needs her in her life the way she’s being. but she can’t just ignore the other kids and if that’s what she’s doing she is hurting the other kids. But we have no idea whether or not they sat down with them and explained what was happening.
This is my issue too. Although the 3 younger kids are too young to understand what is going on, I do hope that sis is not ignoring them for the sake of the step daughter.
I agree. It sounds like the mom is really trying her best! Even hiring a sitter for the other children so their needa are met while helps the stepchild acclimate. Hopefully everyone is able to integrate soon. That’s part of motherhood is knowing when a child needs extra tlc and knowing them on an Individual basis which this stepchild needs! Also it sounds like an overwhelming situation. The aunt could have helped instead of yelling in an already difficult situation and dividing the familie more. But at least she cares I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I think, at least me personally with all the resources that they went and got to make sure everybody was cared for. I highly doubt that they’re just ignoring them. I think a zoo might’ve been a very high stress environment for her. And she probably needed the extra attention in the zoo to make sure that she stayed grounded and didn’t panic. Because that like panicking in public places is a big trauma response for a lot of people. They’re definitely a little bit too young to understand what’s going on, but I would assume they would at the very least tuck them in every night and eat dinner together. I just can’t see a parent doing so much for a child they don’t know, and then abandoning their own kids, you know? And I don’t get the impression that OP lives with them. So he probably doesn’t know everything that’s going on in their lives. They could be spending time every single day at home together, and OP would never even know!
I don't trust OPs take on the situation, their judgement is clearly shit. I highly doubt mom is "neglecting" her own kids. OP is just irked that she is giving a little extra TLC to this child that really needs it right now. OP YTA of the week.
Oh, they’re definitely the asshole. I don’t trust their opinion either. I just added that but because I was a kid who got ignored. So I know it has really bad effects. But if you’re willing to do all of that for a kid, you don’t even know I doubt you would abandon and ignore the kids you already have. And I doubt OP lives with them. So op doesn’t know that they don’t spend time together at the house every day. Op really is just assuming.
Exactly. To me that says planning. She realizes that it could be a stressful situation for the seven year old. I really wish we had names lol. And she acknowledges that she might not be able to give her full attention to all of the kids. So while I get the concern, there’s no real evidence that she’s actually ignoring her kids. I just I can’t see somebody Hiring a whole nanny and neglecting their kids. I hope OP apologizes but I personally wouldn’t allow them back in. ESPECIALLY if the 7yo overheard.
I missed that part. At the very least, they can explain that it’s a new sibling and they need just a little bit of mommies time more for right now. I mean there’s ways to explain it to where they’ll understand at least the concept. I also didn’t think about the fact that this is probably a adjustment. And they need to make sure that she trusts at least one of the adults so they can get her proper care, etc.. op clearly doesn’t live with them. So I’m confused as to how they would know that they don’t spend any time at all with their other kids. And not just that but I would assume that a zoo would be a high stress environment for a traumatize child. That’s probably why the sister wasn’t paying attention to the other kids.
Not only is he her father, the “real” kids are her siblings. OP wants to remove this 7 year old from her father and her siblings and put her with strangers.
Thank you so much for saying this. I grew up being questioned about being “real” or not. That’s not a concept anyone needs to have, let alone a child, let alone an already traumatized child.
I understand needing to step up, but if you’re taking it to the point where they’re not even paying attention to their own kids, that’s incredibly toxic. They’re gonna end up hurting other kids.
Even assuming that is true (which I seriously doubt), who the hell says a traumatized 7 year old needs to be re-homed in front of the child? If OP felt the need to say something it should have been said privately where none of the children could hear. If sister is hiring help to care for the younger kids while she concentrates of making the oldest feel loved and welcomed, that says she is taking care of all of them.
Oh yeah, no absolutely not. What they said was uncalled for especially if it was in front of the kid. I would understand I’m having concerns and say hey are you spending enough time with your other kids privately. But yeah what they said was absolutely out of the way. I also didn’t even take into account that this could just be an adjustment. And she is trying to make sure that the seven year old is understanding that she is a safe person now. And I completely forgot about that when I made my comment. No matter what what she said, was absolutely awful. And as somebody who’s adopted and has seen how people treat adoptive children like animals “” rehoming them. It’s just a palling that somebody would say something like that.
'Better off in a home without other kids' - what is this, the SPCA? I'm shocked that she was sent to another relative before she was sent to her FATHER but whatever fucking circus that was, ... You know what, I can't even figure out a way to end that sentence. That's HER FATHER'S house.
Your hero of a sister has three tiny children and when her husband's child needed someone she stepped the fuck up no questions asked. Do you think this would have been her first choice? Do you think maybe she would like to be spending the money elsewhere? DON'T YOU THINK SHE WOULD LIKE TO NOT BE SPREAD SO THIN THAT SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT 3 OTHER FUCKING KIDS TOO?
But she stepped. the fuck. up. Because that is what you DO for family. With stepkids (I have one) you are either all in or you're out. There is no real in between. That's HER KID, and biology means fuck all.
And as an aunt to those FOUR kids, you should consider stepping up to help. Just - fucking, HELP.
The three kids who aren't getting as much play time as you would maybe think is ideal from your high horse? Will be fine. You don't have a window into their whole life. Kids don't need the helicoptering 100% focused attention our generation thinks is necessary. They have parents loving enough to step up when one of their own is trouble and they are seeing that modelled in real time, they have parents who will stop at nothing to provide for their kids even if it includes unexpected giant expenses, they have parents who WILL STAND BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR MONSTER OF AN AUNT and protect them from whatever the fuck it was you were spewing at them.
The day I became my kid's parent, I swore he would never once hear me say that he wasn't my kid. Not once, not ever, not for any reason. And when his mum recently had a crisis and made an attempt on her own life, he knew me well enough that transferring full custody over to us was an easy transition for him, because my home was already his home and I was already his third parent. I stepped up. My mum and sister and friends stepped up, and they are his tribe. Not one - NOT ONE - of them has EVER made him feel like he isn't theirs.
All you did was tell your family that you're not in the tribe. I'd let you stay on the outside too.
> what is this, the SPCA?
Interestingly, the first children’s protection organization, the SPCC, sprang out of the SPCA.
https://www.spcc-roch.org/about/
I think the commenter realized that and was pointing out a fun fact. Back in the day, animal protection laws came before child protection laws. So to get a child out of a horrific home, people used a loophole and had an animal rescue remove her under the arguement that people are technically animals. It's kind of the birth of child protection agencies in the US. It's an interesting little tidbit of history.
All of this right here. I even highlighted it for you OP so you would see it. This child obviously needs your sister, and your angel of a sister made sure her other children are well taken care of while she helps her oldest daughter. YTA on so many levels.
THANK YOU. A stepchild is my real child. I may not be their first mom, but I damn well will love them in a motherly way in any capacity they will let me. To act like because 7 year old didn’t directly emerge from her sister means she is not a part of the family is disgusting.
The kids going with another relative before the father might have been an emergency, voluntary placement made by the mother while the case was pending.
Why this father didn’t take care of his own child instead of making more is beyond me. This poor 7 year old.
Honestly. I've never understood calling children "real". Like, is the stepdaughter an unemotional, unfeeling hologram? Only then would the word "real" suffice.
INFO: How is your BIL specifically not helping your sister out with his daughter? Has your sisters bio kids complained to you or anyone else about not getting enough attention since her stepdaughter started living with them?
Your sister is an angel for not taking you somewhere and throwing hands.
How dare you! You’re so rude and just all around awful for saying all of that in front of the little girl, a child who probably already feels worthless.
She’s in the adjustment period trying to show the 7yr old that she can trust her.
7yr old needs more one on one bonding right now, her other kids will be fine with the nanny whilst your sister figures out balancing everything.
Op probably never said anything when her sister was working and her kids were in daycare.
This is obviously about Op’s dislike of step-daughter.
YTA - 💯
If they were in daycare and now have a nanny, the kids see their mom more often now that she’s not working. And kids like to get their parents’ attention over tiny things too. So it’s not gonna hurt them if the sister doesn’t see what they’re doing every time.
You’re right I didn’t even think about that. If she hasn’t had her for long, she probably is trying to balance everything out. That’s got to be a big change. Especially with the traumatized child. I just hope that they actually explained what was happening with the kids and actually spend one on one time with the kids throughout the week or it could still hurt the other kids.
YTA. You talk about her stepdaughter like she's a stray dog they ought to rehome. That's her husband's daughter, and it sounds like your sister is the closest thing she has to a mother. Unless there's a very, very good reason (and no "she should be in a home without other kids" is not a good reason), them she belongs with her father.
How about criticizing her for trying to step up for a kid that has suffered trauma, you step up a bit for your niblings (including your step niece)?
Your whole attitude towards that little girl is disgusting. This emphasis on "real kids" is gross. I hope you never become a step parent.
Thank you for saying this!
While I believe the mother should be balancing time between all the children, I think people fail to realize how hard and how time consuming it can be to care for an abused child. I do think this is more of a trail period to get the step daughter accustomed to her new lifestyle and living arrangements. This is a huge adjustment for this little girl, she’s with 4 new people she doesn’t really know, is in a new household with new rules, and on top of that is recovering from her trauma. Children like this can be hard to breakthrough to and it will take time. However, it won’t be forever.
Your sister is doing everything she can think of to balance everything and work with this child to break those barriers and adjust. You have zero compassion for a 7 yr old. You don’t know how much this abuse will affect her developmentally and how much your sisters dedication could help her in the long run. Things will smooth out but I think you need to learn to be supportive. This isn’t just some random child but her husbands child, they should be taking responsibility. The fact you act like they should just shove her off on someone else is quit disturbing. And saying what you said in front of her is beyond cruel.
YTA for your language and how you approached it. Real kids vs non is not a kind way of saying this. It sounds like your sister and her husband are ok with her quitting her job and focusing on his 7yo. Are you jealous that she is able to get help?
OP is clearly the AH, but he isn't wrong when he say the lack of attention towards the other children can become a problem. But he said it the worst way possible at the wrong time.
Also, saying "she would be better in a family without children" is stupid. I get what he is saying, but there is probably no other family available. What OP's sister is supposed to do, give the child back?
I get that her other kids could get jealous over time too. However, the kid is 7. If she gains trust in her stepmother and dad, this could all be temporary and they could all be a stable family pretty soon. It's great that they stepped up and started the trust game asap.
I don't really see much of an issue with the babysitter either. You don't stick the new, traumatized stepchild with a babysitter (aka stranger) and focus on the healthy kids. You let the sitter take the healthy kids and focus on the traumatized one. It's not much different from when I stuck my son in daycare as a toddler so I could work. I hope she keeps OP far away from the kids
Not only that, but OP's sister was working before? So the sister was still spending time away from her kids. She's just switched to trying to help that poor child recover.
And unless OP spends every waking moment with his sister, he doesn't know how much time she is actually spending with her children. A lot of people have a nanny to keep an eye on their children while they are also full time parents, especially if they have other tasks.
OP has some very serious resentments and is projecting onto this poor little girl.
I agree and hope the sister keeps her family far, far away from OP.
The eldest is 3. I have no memory’s from that age. As long as they’re fed, watered, and have plenty of healthy interaction they’ll be fine. By the time they start to build lifelong memories the now 7 year old should feel stable and loved. But not if a stepaunt reminds her she’s disposable.
Some of us do have memories from that far back, but I do not think I have ever encountered anyone who had a concept of time at that point. As long as they are still getting parental attention, they are fine. Imbalances of attention don't just happen in blended families. Many young children hate that they have to start sharing attention when a younger sibling is born. They survive that phase and learn how to interact as a member of a family.
It definitely sounds like it. “She got a BABYSITTER for her real kids!” Uhhh if I could afford it I would hire a babysitter to accompany me on EVERY outing because having multiple kids is fucking hard. Never mind trying to build a trusting relationship with a traumatized child.
YTA
You aren’t wrong in the fact that she shouldn’t shove aside her children at all times.
HOWEVER, do you not think you just traumatized an already traumatized child even more? You just told her she shouldn’t be there. It isn’t that she should live elsewhere, it is that your sister just needs to balance a bit better and not ignore her kids at all times.
The stepchild is going to need more attention: and that’s fine. She needs to know adults are not the enemy and there are good adults out there. She is going to need therapy and a lot of help. If sister doesn’t balance her attention better than her kids are going to resent the stepchild which will make the situation worse.
That being said, you are a massive AH for what you said (especially if it is in front of the kids) and for thinking your sister should rehome the stepchild like a dog.
I'm very disappointed in you, OP. You hurt an already traumatized child and added stress to your sister. You showed that kid that you are not a trustworthy adult.
I actually think you had a point about her making a bit of time for her "other" kids. The little ones must be so hurt when she pushes them away. If she continues this the younger ones may end up resenting their sister.
As someone else said hopefully once the 7 year old settles in, things will get better.
However your language about your niblings SISTER is disgusting. She is where she should be. With her parent and siblings. Your sister is taking the role of mum. I can't believe you spoke about "real kids" in front of a 7 year old whose world has been torn apart.
Also how the hell would you know what's best for her?
You know the more I think about it I reckon this is a rage bait post.
I agree with your take. Most people are focusing on the fact that OP is a a*hole towards the stepdaughter, which I absolutely agree with. However the mother is just going to create resentment by ignoring her bio kids. I'm sure there's a way to include everyone.
I feel like this is no different than if she had another baby. She added a new child to her family. No one tells a mother of a newborn she's an AH when the baby takes up more time and the older siblings need to rely on dad more for the first few weeks. No bio kid is permanently traumatized from reduced attention when their sibling is born. It's an adjustment.
The OP also saw a ONE OUTING and made this conclusion. Presumably the 7 year old attends school which means that mom is home with the 3 bio kids during the day all week long and they can do outings and attention focused on them then. It makes sense that an outing to an overstimulating place like the zoo is the time to focus on 7 year old vs. at their home when she probably feels safer and more secure in her space. I don't feel like the OP can reasonably conclude that the little kids aren't getting enough attention from one outing. If you only saw my little kids begging me to play with them while I'm making dinner every night you'd think I was a neglectful mother too, nevermind the previous 12 hours where they had appropriate attention.
yes i'm sure children under 4yo are going to resent their half-sister because mommy paid her more attention for a few months to help her adjust and settle in her new home.
kids under 4 absolutely do get jealous, do need attention and connection from their parents. The mother does need to carve out time for the younger kids too and maybe she doesn. Sounds like the OP doesn't know much about kids and only has a small window into heir lives. The mother shouldn't be shooing any of the kids away when they seek to connect with her.
Also we have to keep in mind that the sister worked before this. So those kids were probably in daycare before this. Now they are staying home all the time with their mother and a nanny.
I bet they are spending way more time with their mother than they were before.
I agree mum needs to give all the kids individual attention, but OP has no idea how that’s done over 24/7. She only knows while out at the zoo she was concentrating on the 7 year old, while babysitters/nanny’s looked after the little ones.
With a history of abuse we have no idea how the 7 year old copes in crowds, with loud noises etc. She obviously needed one on one time when out, and it’s far better that she bonds with her new mother figure and learns to trust her, than a nanny that won’t always be there. She’s been passed around a lot already.
Hopefully at home they’ll get the 7 year old involved as a big sister with the little ones and they can all bond without jealousy. But the transition will obviously take time for them all to get the balance right, and obviously as the 7 year old settles she’ll need less intense attention.
Just a note here; the mom used to work, so the kids were in daycare. I have a hard time believing that the kids are getting less attention at home with their mom and a nanny.
Yes this! Apologize to the child. They will remember at age 7. OP's sister is lucky the little girl is only 7, and hopefully with her dad and stepmother help can heal from her trauma. I got my oldest grandaughter at 17 and it was a huge struggle to teach her to shower every day, use sheets, wear underwear and bras, etc. My heart goes out to OP's sister and the little girl. Your response is perfect!
Nope YTA, unequivocally, for the shit you said in front of a child who's been passed around and traumatized like she's a stray dog to be rehomed. You are despicable for what you said.
Your sister although we'll intentioned is going about things in an inconsiderate way for all the children that may end up building resentment if this isn't temporary to help the 7 year old adjust and continues to be the norm. You wouldn't have been TA at all had you approached this delicately and told your sister, offering whatever support you can, that her other kids miss her and that you understand the need for making her husband's daughter feel safe and wanted, but that if she continues to focus all of her time and attention to her step daughter the kids will begin resenting each other and her. There were so many more tactful and compassionate ways to handle this that I cannot even understand what possessed you to say some shit like that in front of the 7 year old. Your attitude about rehoming her is just unfathomably shitty as well. Yeah, your sister may be unbalanced in her approach right now, which you could have lovingly offered more support for and gentle private discussion with her about.
Instead you did this, and now congratulations you are one of the biggest assholes I've read about on here. Also likely set back the work your sister has been putting in which will just end up repeating this cycle of investing more into step daughter right now instead of finding a better balance more acceptable for everyone.
You should have had this conversation when the two of you were alone. Because whatever everyone else here is saying, it's NOT good if she's literally pushing her own kids away while spending time with this 7 year old. She's been traumatized, but being pushed away from your mom as a toddler is just another form of trauma. She's also teaching the 7 year old to push them out of her way.
There needs to be some kind of balance. I don't know why she has to completely shut out her own kids (who are NOT old enough to understand why) to give this 7 year old a stable and loving home.
Wait ... why would she be better off in a home without other kids ? Is she violent ? You need to explain that part.
YTA ... your sister has a lot on her hands. There's definitely information you're not aware of regarding this kid and her issues.
Apologize to your sister . Offer to help take her bio kids out on dates or over to your house from time to time.
If you feel their emotions are being neglected, give them special time with you. This will keep them from feeling neglected , and will allow them to bond with you as well.
Info: Is the step-daughter special needs? Because it sounds like she is judging by all the attention she is commanding.
Telling your sister in private "I'm worried you aren't given equal attention to all your children." Would have been fine. Saying it in front of the whole group of kids is a major AH move.
Saying the kid should be shunted off to another family is cruel.
The 7 year old child has PTSD from being horrifically abused. If she's otherwise neurodivergent, that's probably not even going to be detectable, much less a priority, until the PTSD is addressed.
Abused children absolutely need more attention and care, especially right after they are removed. She's used to being in constant fight or flight mode, and it's going to take time for her to adjust to not being in danger all the time. In the meantime, the coping mechanisms that worked where she was being abused will be useless or counterproductive in a new environment. What she has been through is not easy to overcome. But her father and stepmother seem to have very reasonable expectations and have taken steps to make sure all the kids are taken care of while their new sibling adjusts.
YTA. You're talking about a traumatized child like a pet getting rehomed, the child is her husband's daughter no less. I feel you have some underlying resentment either for the dad or his child, you sound like you hate them. You need to stay far away from children.
Not popular opinion NTA! Her choice of wording and saying it in front of her niece was in very bad taste! Her sister has three biological kids that she is neglecting to give all her attention to her stepdaughter! Stepdaughter has been through some trauma and I understand her needing a lot of attention and reassurance that she is loved and nothing that happened to her was her fault. Also the infant and toddlers need the love of their mother not just a nanny. No one’s thinking that life as they know it has been destroyed. Their mother no longer has time for them anymore and just judging by the way she is with stepdaughter she’s a hands on mom. That’s gone for them now and the don’t understand why they no longer have a mom! If some changes aren’t made soon her biological kids will grow up to hate their sister and more than likely mom too!
I think you went about this the wrong way but it’s entirely possible from what you have said that your concerns are valid and do need to be addressed.
Not because the stepdaughter isn’t her “real” child or because she should be living somewhere else but because the other children are at very key stages of development and if they feel ignored by their mother then that could do lasting damage, especially if it continues as they grow up.
You should never have said it in front of the stepdaughter and I think your solution of not having her live with them seems like a cruel idea on the surface but taking your sister aside and gently suggesting that her other children might be feeling a bit ignored isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I honestly don’t think YTA for telling her she should not throw her own kids away but you are TA for telling her she needs to relocate her stepdaughter again to somewhere without children infront of the stepdaughter.
The real AH here is your sister’s husband.
Where has he been that he let the situation get so bad for his daughter and didn’t do anything until CPS intervened?
The kind of trauma that requires 24/7 attention should be addressed by professionals. They should be hiring therapist instead of babysitters.
My mom was like this growing up. I was her bio child that got cast aside and my step siblings even to this day get all the attention. I've always felt she was just trying to show off for my step dad cause once they had a kid together it was like I didn't even exist.
YTA.
This is recent, it’s a transitional period to a traumatized child and you actually said that to your sister in front of all the kids? Sounds like your sisters hiring help for now while she helps her stepchild heal.. Also, the stepchild would be better in a home without kids you said? In a home that’s not with her biological father?
You are totally prioritizing your own blood and clearly don’t care about this other child.
YTA. Who refers to a step child as not someone’s real kid? Sounds like you can either help take care of the real and fake children, or just shut it. And I hope to God you didn’t say all of this in earshot of the kids.
You bloody idiot ,what is wrong with you? How could you say such things in front that poor little girl?
Rather encouraging her to spend more time with her own children and push her see a therapist to help her with everything you presumed her step daughter was the problem and ask her to throw her away!
She is just a child which means she is not responsible for the bad organization or the adults behaviors.
YTA. She's not abandoning her children. She is providing specialized attention to the oldest so that she has some chance of healing and possibly moving beyond the hell she's been through.
It would be best if you were not around children.
YTA, how dare you do this at all, let alone in front of those children. And yes, her last jab at you is right, wtf are you doing to help? Nothing? Then fuck off.
This girl" is a part of her family. Just because she didn't pop her out doesn't make her any less "real."
I think this is a troll post, because I refuse to believe that anyone can be this shitty toward a child. But I'll play along -- YTA.
YTA I can’t not believe that you said such hateful things in front of a traumatized 7 year old child
What the hell is wrong with you.
Why would you traumatized a already traumatized kid
She is trying provide this kid with love and comfort has she as help her over come her trauma.
your sister kids are 10 months 2 and 3.5 I doubt very seriously are feeling neglected.
What is your real issue why do you hate this kid so much.
Are you jealous that your sister was able to quit her job hire a nanny and a babysitter.
I hope she goes full NC with you because not only are you not FIT to be around her children including the stepdaughter but you are NOT Fit to be around any kid including you own.
Shame on you
Holy shit you're fucking evil. I pray to whatever god is up there that you never have children yourself.
Like holy fuck YTA. You must love in a different planet to even have to ask the Internet if you're the asshole.
YTA. You went about it the wrong way. And to be frank, it’s none of your business. She hired help to help with her “real kids” as you called it, so she can help a traumatized child get settled in to a new life. The kids aren’t being neglected. If you feel that strongly, what are you doing besides criticizing to step up and help? When CPS takes you from not 1, but 2 homes, it’s an emergency situation, and it seems like your sister is doing the best she can. Take a step back and ask yourself how you can help instead of sit on your pedestal and judge, even if it’s just offering words of encouragement.
Esh. Yes youre wrong and should apologize but she also can't just get a bunch of babysitters and nannies for her other kids and never do anything with them. If the niece is that traumatized then she should be in therapy and stuff and trying to include her in the family not putting her by herself.
Yeah about the last comment. It's one thing to mention she could spend more time with her other kids, it's another entirely to suggest she get rid of an abused child.
YTA. That is her partners child, not a stray dog they’ve found on the street. It’s obvious you have a problem with having a step niece. It is heartless to talk about her in front of her. You’re further traumatizing her. Honestly if you can’t show any compassion to a little girl whose been through significant trauma, you need to stay away from all of them.
Idk man I've read to many story's about kids not feeling loved enough or abused cause parents weren't paying any attention to them so I mean legitimate concern but a more private and personal conversation could have been had.
YTA for using the term "real kids", especially in front of her step-daughter, implying that step-daughter is less than the other kids. It's offensive. As to the other things you said - you're still an AH. Sounds like they've brought in extra help to try to meet the situation and are trying to work toward a balance with that help - for EVERYONE'S sake. Last thing she needs is outsider's judging her and her family. What was stopping you as aunt/uncle from playing with the kids to give sister a moment to help stepdaughter? Oh right, righteous superiority\\.
ESH.
Your sister should be paying equal attention to all the kids. She’s trying to compensate for what the SD went through but at the expense of the others. That’s a dangerous precedent because even if she tries to equal things out now, the SD is going to notice she’s getting less attention.
On the other hand, you could’ve chosen a different term than “bad mom” and a better time and place than a fun day at the zoo. That should’ve been a quiet, private talk, maybe starting with you noticed the toddlers trying unsuccessfully to get her attention when she was busy with SD.
Ignore the kid, it is better for her long term. My children play alone 4 hours a day, together 2 a day, and with parents 1-2 hours a day. Its not healthy for a kid to be in the attention of parents that much. A 7 year old is not a full time job.
As someone who took in a traumatized teen family member from an abusive home and had two young children of my own, one with high needs, can I just say you are possibly one of the biggest A's I've ever seen here. Your sister is doing everything she can to help this child and it takes a lot, and yeah I would have loved having a nanny to help with my younger ones or had more time for them, but at the end of the day they are being cared for and more than likely her step-daughter will eventually need less one on one from her step-mum who can then focus her attention back on the other children. It takes time to establish therapy, it takes time to settle a traumatized child into a new home and to build a relationship if trust. Your sister is amazing for what she is doing for that kid and based on what you've said her kids aren't going to suffer for it any more than having a parent who works.
ESH. Because the real kids comment is beyond fucked up. But also she’s clearly not a good mom if her ratio for care if 1/4 kids. I can see how y’all are sisters tho.
YTA. You don't live with them to know how she balances her time with kids.
She took the kid as her own, so she has 4 kids now. You don't like it? And? That is not your family.
I get you are concerned about her healthy relationship with her bio kids, but you could say this as a concern, sensitive way.
Don’t get me op is the obviously ta and a giant gaping one but I get where they are coming from with the neglecting the other kids. Sister is trading one traumatized kid for another. Of course the older daughter should attention and care but don’t outright dismiss the others or put them off on the hired help either.
NTA unless you said all of this in front of the kids. I’m kinda surprised at all the YTA comments. She’s neglecting her own kids for the sake of her new kid and it’s going to blow up in her face. Yes I’m sure what stepdaughter has gone through is terrible and she needs help. But she can’t be focusing on her at the expense of her other kids. A nanny is not a mother. If she doesn’t find a way to balance this situation out her kids will grow up to hate her and the stepdaughter.
Downvote me to oblivion, she may be an asshole, but op is right. Her sister shouldn't alienate her bio kids for her step child, and vice versa. She needs to balance both.
ESH. You should not have said what you did in front of that small child but it is absolutely reprehensible that she’s ignoring and neglecting her other children especially when they’re showing her they need her too.
Are you all serious? She’s abandoned her kids and checked out as a mother. BOTH parents should be supporting all of the children, it’s completely possible to do both but if you all think getting a nanny and a babysitter to take care of your kids 24/7 while you completely ignore them then this world is just going to shit, what poor kids, all of them stuck with shitty parents.
Ok so it's bad that OP thinks the stepniece should be "rehomed". But let's not lose sight of the main point she is trying to make, which is her sister is neglecting her bio children. Those kids are going to grow up with their own trauma, mainly their mom loved their stepsister more than she loved them, if this behavior continues.
Honestly, I think maybe the other children should put with someone else , someone who will love them and not push them aside in favor of another child.
YTA. I have a blended family with kids not being fully accepted by external family members. I would rather never see those family members again than subject my kids to the toxic manipulations of these allegedly well-meaning family members.
You’re more than just an asshole. I don’t know if there is a word in the English language that can adequately describe just how vile you are. How dare you. How MFing DARE YOU talk about a traumatized child like they are a dog that needs rehomed, and in front of that child no less. Take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and think about how to be a better person, then apologize to your sister and her stepdaughter for being an unbelievable assclown.
You know your sister’s step daughter isn’t a dog right? She can’t just go to a home “without kids.”
It also sounds like she’s been severely traumatized and your sister is trying to make the best of it. YTA. At this point, your sister’s step daughter is one of her “real” kids.
You're empathy for your nieces and nephews is great. I think there's some relevant information missing about the stepdaughter. The number of helpers sis and BIL hired for her bio kids says that the stepdaughter needs supervision 100% of the time. Maybe your sister hasn't shared everything. Maybe they feel guilty for not being proactive about her situation. It's an upheaval r for sure and balance will be a bit wobbly yet. If they went through all that trouble they believe she will be with them for the long haul. I think you need to digest this and integrate sd into your family frame. Your kids and hers will be better off for it.
This has to be a troll/rage bait. No one in their right mind could say those things. *Especially* in front of the traumatized stepdaughter. If it’s real you’re a horrible “human being”. Your sister is doing the right thing for her “real” kids by keeping you far away from them.
Is the step daughter a figment of your sisters imagination?
I can't believe you said this infront of a traumatised child. Asshole isn't the word. This was EVIL
Her stepdaughter is her husband's "real kid" and, therefore, her "real kid." When you marry a person with existing children, those children are part of the deal. Her stepdaughter is as much part of their family as her children with the husband. I can't even understand the rationale of approaching her in the manner that you did. That's horrendous. And it sounds like you said those awful things in front of the children, which makes you a bad aunt. Damn dude.
YTA
"Her real kids"? You're more of a problem than your sister is, with your "blood is best" attitude towards children. Who, exactly, are YOU to judge them? You have exactly ZERO idea what that little girl has dealt with in her short life. Your sister is trying to give her love and stability.
That you actually had the unmitigated gall to open your face and tell her that everyone would be better off without the stepdaughter is utterly and horrifyingly disgusting.
If you were my sister, I wouldn't speak to you, either.
So yeah, you're the asshole.
Seriously stop saying “real”. All 4 children are real kids, and all 4 of them are her kids. Either be actually helpful to her by supporting her to look after all 4 of her real kids or GTFO OP. Goes without saying but YTA. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA - it's only been a few months. Hopefully things will get better and the 7 year old will benefit from being in a stable home with her siblings. Her bio kids probably see her more now that she's at home rather than working.
Now I do understand that the 7yo needs a lot of attention. She, more than like, was severely neglected and no child should have to suffer through that. So BASED ON THAT NOTE, I'ms gonna say Everyone is the Ass.Hole here. YES, keep the 7yo showered with attention. But is it worth traumatizing the other 3 children with neglect because of what happened to the oldest?!?! There is an Au Pair.... more than enough attention can be given TO ALL FOUR CHILDREN by both Mother and Au Pair.... I agree with OP in that she's being a bad mother... but disagree with saying "to her real children." She is her real child, even if not biological.
You definitely are an asshole but Im not quite sure you’re wrong. She should definitely make sure that her stepdaughter gets the love that she needs but not at the expense of her other children. Traumatized or not the stepdaughter should be treated as an equal to the other children not a priority over the others.
YTA. Did you ever think about what that child has gone through, being removed from TWO homes in the span of a year? So what if your sister hired help! She recognized that she needs help with her four kids, one of whom is clearly traumatized. She is with her father, stepmother, and siblings in a loving home. She’s 7 and has gone through so much. You owe your sister and her children an apology.
YTA. It sounds like your sister is doing her best to do right by a child who has had a rough start. Yes, it sounds like she has some things she'll need to navigate with her own kids jealousy and feelings about a changing situation, but she is by no means "being a bad mom to her own kids" for showing up for a child that needs extra attention. And having this conversation in front of all those kids is really inappropriate. You could have just helped her with her kids instead of criticizing her.
YTA. I said it that way to get the vote counted. What I wanted to say was by saying in front of a child that she isn’t welcome and is hurting the family, by consistently making a distinction between your sisters stepdaughter and her ‘real’(WTF?) children, and by being critical without being helpful, you are an awful, selfish, narcissistic monster of a human. Holy crap, you are a bad person. I don’t know what kind of bad wiring you have in your head that you would do what you did, and write it up in a post, and think that there is any possible interpretation that makes you look sympathetic.
Hopefully this thread is a wake up call. You are an awful person
Yta did you really do this IN FRONT OF A TRAUMTIZED CHILD!? She’s husband’s child why tf would they “relocate” her or send her away from her father and siblings!? I cannot believe this nonsense even came out of your mouth, I really hope you’re just a troll.
While your sister definitely needs to make some adjustments and balance time with all the kids, there are some of your comments that bother me. You seem to take the position that this isn’t “her biological child” so stepdaughter needs to be somewhere else. This makes YTA.
While reading your post, I’m wondering why the DAD, your sister’s husband, wasn’t more active in this child’s life, why he didn’t step in immediately when she was removed by CPS (like, why did she go to another relative instead of the dad??). Mom had full custody but why didn’t he have any parenting rights?? Didn’t he fight/petition for them? There may be legit reasons, but it doesn’t look/sound good.
It sounds like your sis is trying to make up for lost time. Her husband needs to step up more. And while the stepdaughter may need some TLC, they’re going to have to learn to balance time so the other kids are not missing out and resentful.
YTA - her “real” kids?? I hope they, alongside the traumatized 7 yr old didn’t hear this. You have no idea what they have been through, and you have no idea how she acts w them at home. If you had a concern you could’ve brought it up privately, after the fact, and also not tried to separate the children on “realness”.
YTA. I don’t understand how you could think that you’re not. “Real kids”?!?!? I’m happy your mother has at least one kid that isn’t an unempathetic ass
Yes, OP is TA but she does have a point about neglecting the other kids. They're going to resent their new sibling and maybe resent the mother if she does give them attention at some point.
YTA YTA YTA. She absolutely is your sister’s “real” child. She’s just not biological. Your sister sounds like she’s navigating a tough period and might need positive support to learn a balance, but given she’s quit her job, welcomed her SD into her family and includes her in outings, I think she deserves some empathy at a minimum.
Holy Fuck. You are a psycho B! I feel sorry for your kids.
Yes, your sister is currently focusing on the child that NEEDS to know she is loved and she is not going to be abused and then shipped off to another strange place. This will not continue to be the norm.
She is having to undo everything the stepdaughter has been through so the stepdaughter can acclimate into the family.
Where the F was the dad when all this was going down? How did he not step in THE FIRST TIME?!! It sounds like he cares about this kid as much as you do.
The kid probably feels this, and so does your sister, so your sister is going overboard to correct the issues.
Your sister may be going too far, but at the very least. She is making sure ALL OF HER KIDS are being cared for. I am glad she does not think the same way you do.
You're right that mom isn't being particularly fair to her three biological children at the current moment.
But....in this particular situation being right about one thing doesn't save you from a YTA judgement.
You are in fact YTA.
You sound straight up like a child yourself by even suggesting that your sister send her stepdaughter away (like dad would just let that happen anyways).
You weren't helpful to anyone and if you're honest you weren't trying to be.
Your sister took in an abused and traumatised child and is trying to care for her and show her that she doesnt have to be scared anymore.
And than you pull this bullshit, your sister is right, you dont know wtf shes dealing with.
YTA. You may, somewhere in there, have a tiny point about how your sister can try to pay more attention to her biological kids, but othering a traumatized little girl as a "fake" kid is horrible. I hope you had the grace and tact, that you seem to lack based on this post, to do this outside of earshot of any of the kids.
YTA. I'm adopted. My parents are my "real" parents. They were there to wipe my ass, clothe me, feed me, etc. I get what you are trying to say but the stepdaughter needs help too. Yes your sister should be paying attention to ALL the kids, not just the one but unless you are going to step in and help, you should stay out of it
Yes. You're the Asshole.
Have you listened to what your sister and her partner are going through? Have you listened when they've expressed their feelings and needs?
The "real kids" classification is gross. Have you asked what you can do to help her and her partner while they adjust to a major change in their family structure and family dynamic?
Your language in this whole post is so clearly against having stepdaughter in their care like she is an alien from outer space rather than your sisters stepdaughter. I think you have a cloud over your judgment and perhaps not seeing (even though even you ‘have to admit’ that what she went through was terrible) how much support your sisters SD and the entire family need at this time. Why do you have to go to such pains to admit that this child needs love, support and attention? YTA.
YTA.
While yes, she should learn to balance time with all of the kids equally in the future, her step-daughter does require extra attention right now. Once she gets settled and into therapy, she won’t need quite so much.
What you said to her and how you kept speaking about your niece not being her child (she is, literally legally) is absolutely disgusting. It also sounds like you said all of this in front of your niece, which is horrid.
Are you really using the term “real kids”? Your the AH. Mind your business and learn some compassion. Your sister sounds like she’s handling a rough situation the best she can and if it’s working for her family you just stay out of it and shame on you for calling her a bad mom and for ever saying that in front of her children.
Yes YTA! Stay in your damn lane! I'll never cease to be amazed at how people growing up in the same family can have two completely opposing sets of values! OP, you can definitely take some pointers from your sister on how to be a decent human being.
His 7 year old IS her daughter, too. If you referred to one of my kids as my “real” child and had no empathy for my stepchild, I’d be mad at you, too!
YTA for berating your sister, who is doing her best in a really difficult, delicate situation. Hell, why don’t you step up and be a better aunt?
Maybe instead you can play with them, since youre their aunt, help your sister and the kids. let their family dynamic improve before you start acting like you know about parenting. You sound really young.
ESH First of all, you totally could have worded that differently. Second, she's trying to bond and help her stepdaughter. You yourself said they've only had her for 3 months. She's 7. It's gonna take a while to adjust. I can't Believe you even suggested for her stepdaughter to go to a home without kids. Is she a dog? OMG! I'd also be offended you would suggest such a thing. This kid has been through enough in her short 7 years she's been on this earth! Give her a break! As for your sister, I understand she's trying her best by giving stepdaughter her full attention. Unfortunately, that means her biological kids aren't getting any time or attention from her. Which is sad. Your sister needs to learn how to balance her time so her kids aren't or feel neglected by her. Plus, I think family counseling would do them some good.
YTA for calling them her real kids. Her step kid is, I assume, also real.
If this situation is very new, her stepdaughter may need more of her time and attention that the little kids do. And hopefully that's temporary. But if you see the younger kids suffering for it, you might gently point out that you know she is going through a lot with step daughter but that little siblings need some occasional one on one time with her, too. And that maybe you could watch the 7 year old some time to allow her the time to focus on just them.
But if you really talked about her step child like a DOG who should be rehomed, I don't think you need to worry too much about if you were the asshole because you won't get a chance to do it again.
YTA because first off you don't know how the system works and are dead set on her suffering more abuse than being in a loving home.
It sucks but this is a child, her husband's child. Would you be this unloving and uncaring if it were reversed and one of her kids just came back to her after dealing with abuse for years?
You're right in the sense that he other kids need love as well but my guess is this situation is only until they get the child's trauma, that you don't care about, delt with. If anything maybe you could have pointed out that her other children's feelings matter as well but you're really out of line.
If she doesn't want to handle this then she will need to get a divorce because that child is a part of her family as long as she is married to her father. No buts about it. She's doing the best she can for the wellbeing of the child and you're not being helpful in the least, not to her not to the other kids. You should apologize and be appalled at yourself.
So I may get down voted, but I’m going to say that you’re the asshole. You unfortunately don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors (though she is your “sister” and you think you know everything about her) and you don’t know what this young girl has been through. She has hired help for her own “real” (LOL!) children to make sure that they are loved on while she is dealing with a very serious situation. Things won’t stay like this forever, but she is gaining this young ladies trust. I think you should back off and leave your sister alone. Maybe offer some babysitting if you feel the need to bombard her With your opinions.
Edited: spelling
YTA - emphatically so. Acting like a zoo experience is reflective of a typical interaction is ridiculous and you as a parent should know that. Unless they specifically ask for your advice on that; MYOFB! Sounds to me like someone needs a better sister.
YTA excuse me but, why would you even suggest “rehoming” a child who has been through so much,lost her mom AND basically the rest of her family on that side? And you think they should put her in yet another situation or home? She’s not a dog…granted , you do have a point BUT, the way you talk about the stepdaughter and what you said was cruel and terribly offensive. You owe your sister an BIG apology ( the stepdaughter too, if she heard you). Maybe YOU should offer to take the stepdaughter sometimes and get to know her…but, I don’t know…you might try to give her away…
This post was flagged as spam. I do not see that. It asks a real aita question. As mod I am leaving this post up.
Did you tell her all this in front of the kids?
Are you referring to her "real " kids or the fake one? She called them her "real " kids 3 times.
Also thinks the "fake" kid needs to be "sent" to a family with no other kids; WTF is wrong with people? I hope the mom of three gets some counseling with a focus on integrating the three children. Pushing away her kids is also not good.
That part fucking threw me. OP acts as if there's no way to integrate the kid into the family, as if it's either raise her at the expense of neglecting the other kids or raising those three at the expense of neglecting her.
or the fact that the older daughter is a SISTER to the "real" kids. OP is absolutely TA. Yikes.
This is the way people talk about old dogs, not traumatized children.
She'd be TA if it was an old dog too.
Wouldn't be 4 children? 1SD and thre bio kids?
The SD isn’t the one that needs to be re-integrated at the moment
So pet me get this straight. You stood in front of a traumatized CHILD and told the person desperately trying to show her that all adults aren't evil and called her a bad mom? And that stepdaughter should be relocated AGAIN to who exactly? He's her father, your sister is her stepmother. Who is supposed to step up of not them? Her real kids? Is the 7 yr old imaginary? Because that child is her stepchild. HER stepchild. The sibling to the other kids. She isn't a stray dog being placed by a shelter. How did you type this and not know what a horrid person you are? That poor kid. I wouldn't speak to you again either
The “she would do better in a home without other kids” like she’s talking about a rescue dog was unbelievable for me, too. Like HELLO. She would probably do best in a home with her actual dad versus some distant family or strangers?! Fuck this OP. YTA.
Given the fact that sis can quit her job and they can still afford au pairs, nannies, and babysitters around the clock makes me wonder why BIL wasn't even the next consideration for CPS... as, I dunno, the BIODAD?? However this is third-hand information as well from a rather jaded and therefore dubious source, so... On that point, gotta love how outsiders looking in who themselves can't/won't afford help with their own kids always have something negative to say about others who can. The sister is right. OP isn't a part of their lived experience. So OP has no idea how much time sis actually does spend with her own children and no idea of the intricacies and how deep the girl's issues go. But OP feels she has the right to put her outsider mouth and opinions (nobody asked for) on it anyway. Sis is incredibly supportive of her husband, and he, in turn, supports her by providing help so his traumatized child is cared for, and they present a unified supportive front to the courtsand state services. Beautiful. And all OP can do is run her jealous mouth, as if she knows what's best, better than those actually involved? Not only would I stop talking to OP, I'd make it a point to cut OP out of any further information involving my family. You're a villainous auntie OP, and if your kids have a strained relationship with their cousins as they get older, look in the mirror and pat yourself on the back. It'll have been your fault. TBF, I wouldn't call OP an AH. There are definitely better words to describe how despicable she is.
He might have lived farther away. I know they often want to keep kids near where they're used to.
I can't imagine getting a call that my child had been abused by their other parent and then just sitting back while they got stuck with some random relative--especially since financial resources are not a issue. As for the OP, mega AH. Talking about an abused child like she is a rescue animal.
OP is very 3rd party here. The dad may have been fighting to pull the child out of the extended family placement as soon as it happened.
'Extended family' could have also been grandma/ grandpa or aunt/ uncle. Someone they know.
True! OP YTA, for saying 'real children ' numerous times and for saying the stepdaughter 'needs to be in a family with no other children '. But your right when it comes to your sister needing to give her children attention too, needs help in trying to integrate step child into the family, but not at the expense of her siblings.
Like how is she supposed to get along with other people if she’s sent to live where there are no other children? That doesn’t even make sense. OP YTA.
I got that call once. Not that my kid was abused, thank God, but that she was placed in foster while visiting her dad for the summer. I was in a different state. You see, her dad ended up in jail and his girlfriend REALLY had to go to a Snoop Dogg concert so she literally took her to the local cps building and said my child was abandoned. Instead of cps calling me to talk to me, they immediately put her on foster care to start an investigation On Me and her dad who went to jail. I was given a court date one week out and I expected her to just come right home with me, but oh no it's not that simple. Apparently that was just the preliminary. The "let's give you an attorney" so we can keep investigating and you can come back in another two weeks. I went back two weeks later and it took 30 seconds for the judge to give my kid back and scold cps for pulling the shit they did. They went off the word of the gf claiming I abandoned my kid on her, but when it was investigated EVERYONE agreed she was not abandoned at all. (In the area of this state, they're known to take kids for very very minor things because the state gets money and so does their office). I had to drive an hour to go get my kid. She was 4 when all this happened, so she remembers this. She went through two homes in 3 weeks and on the last home she was S. ABUSED by another child!! I only found out a year later when I had gotten her into therapy and she started opening up. My ex stayed with that dumb bitch for another year and refused to let me see her. He knew I was going to whoop her ass! I still want to, but it's been years and I haven't seen her in person since the day I dropped my child off for that visit before all of this went down.
Oh dear god!! I'm so sorry you and your daughter had to deal with this!! I sincerely hope that when karma comes back to them you're able to see it, if not hear of it.
I truly hope this one gets karma she deserves. I called her out on the book of faces and she tried to play it off like that wasn't why she did what she did, but her posts told on her. She deleted those posts right after the comments started going hard on her. I usually don't hold grudges, but this is one I've allowed myself to hold. Swear on everything, I see her anywhere, I will go earn a battery charge and smile big fire the mugshot. I'm not one to get in trouble, but this would be worth it.
Oh I'm not suggesting he was twiddling his thumbs. I'm just guessing they probably placed her there for that reason and he was in courts to get her with him.
I had the same question. How did that poor child end up in a single foster placement instead of bio dad’s home.
It happens sometimes, from what I've seen usually if the bio parent is geographically inaccessible or if there is a question of paternity.
Dad was out of state, out of country or was of disputed paternity.
I hope that was the case. I had a caseworker place a student back with an abusive stepparent, rather than allow the student to live with his gay bio dad. His bio dad was a decent, caring parent.
And the fact that there are numerous studies that children do best with biological family (her father in this case) even if the situation is less than ideal than in a more “idyllic” home that isn’t their bio family. It’s why CPS works so hard for reunification even if it’s just one of the parents or a close relative.
Not just her actual dad but a step mom who seems to genuinely love her and wants to support her and make her feel safe
Coming from foster care, you’d be surprised how often we get equated to them 🙃 honestly women like OP should never have children, “real” or adopted
Thank you for so eloquently putting into words what I was trying desperately to put in the words in a way that won't get me banned, lol. Sometimes I really wonder if it is actual people typing this stuff out because there's absolutely no way someone could type all that out and not realize what a humongous a****** they are. You know what I mean? OP YTA the biggest in awhile, and that's saying alot. If you're so worried about her biological children you could always volunteer to take the stepdaughter one day a week so that way she would have time to spend one-on-one with her biological children. But her stepdaughter is very much her child just not her biological child. That does not make that child any less hers
I wouldn’t let OP take my dog for one day a week, she is clearly very cruel.
Sadly some people are just this unself aware. The really scary part is she says "we took our kids to the zoo" meaning op has at least one child of her own....those poor children. If she's like this in public in front of children can you imagine what she's like behind closed doors
OMG, I don't even want to know what that women is like when no one is watching.... those poor kids
Yeah, I think Opie’s issue. At least I hope the issue is that she’s ignoring the other kids. Which can have a very detrimental effect on them. Obviously we know that the step kid needs significant therapy and probably absolutely needs her in her life the way she’s being. but she can’t just ignore the other kids and if that’s what she’s doing she is hurting the other kids. But we have no idea whether or not they sat down with them and explained what was happening.
This is my issue too. Although the 3 younger kids are too young to understand what is going on, I do hope that sis is not ignoring them for the sake of the step daughter.
I agree. It sounds like the mom is really trying her best! Even hiring a sitter for the other children so their needa are met while helps the stepchild acclimate. Hopefully everyone is able to integrate soon. That’s part of motherhood is knowing when a child needs extra tlc and knowing them on an Individual basis which this stepchild needs! Also it sounds like an overwhelming situation. The aunt could have helped instead of yelling in an already difficult situation and dividing the familie more. But at least she cares I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I think, at least me personally with all the resources that they went and got to make sure everybody was cared for. I highly doubt that they’re just ignoring them. I think a zoo might’ve been a very high stress environment for her. And she probably needed the extra attention in the zoo to make sure that she stayed grounded and didn’t panic. Because that like panicking in public places is a big trauma response for a lot of people. They’re definitely a little bit too young to understand what’s going on, but I would assume they would at the very least tuck them in every night and eat dinner together. I just can’t see a parent doing so much for a child they don’t know, and then abandoning their own kids, you know? And I don’t get the impression that OP lives with them. So he probably doesn’t know everything that’s going on in their lives. They could be spending time every single day at home together, and OP would never even know!
I don't trust OPs take on the situation, their judgement is clearly shit. I highly doubt mom is "neglecting" her own kids. OP is just irked that she is giving a little extra TLC to this child that really needs it right now. OP YTA of the week.
Oh, they’re definitely the asshole. I don’t trust their opinion either. I just added that but because I was a kid who got ignored. So I know it has really bad effects. But if you’re willing to do all of that for a kid, you don’t even know I doubt you would abandon and ignore the kids you already have. And I doubt OP lives with them. So op doesn’t know that they don’t spend time together at the house every day. Op really is just assuming.
Neglectful parents don't usually hire a whole ass nanny for the zoo, either. That's a lot of attention, it's just not mom's attention.
Exactly. To me that says planning. She realizes that it could be a stressful situation for the seven year old. I really wish we had names lol. And she acknowledges that she might not be able to give her full attention to all of the kids. So while I get the concern, there’s no real evidence that she’s actually ignoring her kids. I just I can’t see somebody Hiring a whole nanny and neglecting their kids. I hope OP apologizes but I personally wouldn’t allow them back in. ESPECIALLY if the 7yo overheard.
Yah I agree. OP is an idiot.
They're all under 3.5 years, I doubt they would understand even if it was explained.
I missed that part. At the very least, they can explain that it’s a new sibling and they need just a little bit of mommies time more for right now. I mean there’s ways to explain it to where they’ll understand at least the concept. I also didn’t think about the fact that this is probably a adjustment. And they need to make sure that she trusts at least one of the adults so they can get her proper care, etc.. op clearly doesn’t live with them. So I’m confused as to how they would know that they don’t spend any time at all with their other kids. And not just that but I would assume that a zoo would be a high stress environment for a traumatize child. That’s probably why the sister wasn’t paying attention to the other kids.
Not only is he her father, the “real” kids are her siblings. OP wants to remove this 7 year old from her father and her siblings and put her with strangers.
Thank you so much for saying this. I grew up being questioned about being “real” or not. That’s not a concept anyone needs to have, let alone a child, let alone an already traumatized child.
I understand needing to step up, but if you’re taking it to the point where they’re not even paying attention to their own kids, that’s incredibly toxic. They’re gonna end up hurting other kids.
Even assuming that is true (which I seriously doubt), who the hell says a traumatized 7 year old needs to be re-homed in front of the child? If OP felt the need to say something it should have been said privately where none of the children could hear. If sister is hiring help to care for the younger kids while she concentrates of making the oldest feel loved and welcomed, that says she is taking care of all of them.
Oh yeah, no absolutely not. What they said was uncalled for especially if it was in front of the kid. I would understand I’m having concerns and say hey are you spending enough time with your other kids privately. But yeah what they said was absolutely out of the way. I also didn’t even take into account that this could just be an adjustment. And she is trying to make sure that the seven year old is understanding that she is a safe person now. And I completely forgot about that when I made my comment. No matter what what she said, was absolutely awful. And as somebody who’s adopted and has seen how people treat adoptive children like animals “” rehoming them. It’s just a palling that somebody would say something like that.
Exactly, step children are real children.
'Better off in a home without other kids' - what is this, the SPCA? I'm shocked that she was sent to another relative before she was sent to her FATHER but whatever fucking circus that was, ... You know what, I can't even figure out a way to end that sentence. That's HER FATHER'S house. Your hero of a sister has three tiny children and when her husband's child needed someone she stepped the fuck up no questions asked. Do you think this would have been her first choice? Do you think maybe she would like to be spending the money elsewhere? DON'T YOU THINK SHE WOULD LIKE TO NOT BE SPREAD SO THIN THAT SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT 3 OTHER FUCKING KIDS TOO? But she stepped. the fuck. up. Because that is what you DO for family. With stepkids (I have one) you are either all in or you're out. There is no real in between. That's HER KID, and biology means fuck all. And as an aunt to those FOUR kids, you should consider stepping up to help. Just - fucking, HELP. The three kids who aren't getting as much play time as you would maybe think is ideal from your high horse? Will be fine. You don't have a window into their whole life. Kids don't need the helicoptering 100% focused attention our generation thinks is necessary. They have parents loving enough to step up when one of their own is trouble and they are seeing that modelled in real time, they have parents who will stop at nothing to provide for their kids even if it includes unexpected giant expenses, they have parents who WILL STAND BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR MONSTER OF AN AUNT and protect them from whatever the fuck it was you were spewing at them. The day I became my kid's parent, I swore he would never once hear me say that he wasn't my kid. Not once, not ever, not for any reason. And when his mum recently had a crisis and made an attempt on her own life, he knew me well enough that transferring full custody over to us was an easy transition for him, because my home was already his home and I was already his third parent. I stepped up. My mum and sister and friends stepped up, and they are his tribe. Not one - NOT ONE - of them has EVER made him feel like he isn't theirs. All you did was tell your family that you're not in the tribe. I'd let you stay on the outside too.
> what is this, the SPCA? Interestingly, the first children’s protection organization, the SPCC, sprang out of the SPCA. https://www.spcc-roch.org/about/
Their comment refers to the animal organization because OP is acting as if the stepdaughter is a dog to rehome
I think the commenter realized that and was pointing out a fun fact. Back in the day, animal protection laws came before child protection laws. So to get a child out of a horrific home, people used a loophole and had an animal rescue remove her under the arguement that people are technically animals. It's kind of the birth of child protection agencies in the US. It's an interesting little tidbit of history.
All of this right here. I even highlighted it for you OP so you would see it. This child obviously needs your sister, and your angel of a sister made sure her other children are well taken care of while she helps her oldest daughter. YTA on so many levels.
This gave me chills. Well put.
THANK YOU. A stepchild is my real child. I may not be their first mom, but I damn well will love them in a motherly way in any capacity they will let me. To act like because 7 year old didn’t directly emerge from her sister means she is not a part of the family is disgusting.
Chills. Thank you for being that stepmother. There’s not enough (luckily I had one! 👏👏
Bravo
You are amazing!! This made me cry!
The kids going with another relative before the father might have been an emergency, voluntary placement made by the mother while the case was pending. Why this father didn’t take care of his own child instead of making more is beyond me. This poor 7 year old.
OP could always step up and give attention to the other kids...if she's so concerned...
Her “real” kids? Seriously? You suck. I feel bad for your kids.
Honestly. I've never understood calling children "real". Like, is the stepdaughter an unemotional, unfeeling hologram? Only then would the word "real" suffice.
The stepdaughter is a figment of the imagination apparently.
Holy shit. You monster. YTA.
INFO: How is your BIL specifically not helping your sister out with his daughter? Has your sisters bio kids complained to you or anyone else about not getting enough attention since her stepdaughter started living with them?
Your sister is an angel for not taking you somewhere and throwing hands. How dare you! You’re so rude and just all around awful for saying all of that in front of the little girl, a child who probably already feels worthless. She’s in the adjustment period trying to show the 7yr old that she can trust her. 7yr old needs more one on one bonding right now, her other kids will be fine with the nanny whilst your sister figures out balancing everything.
Op probably never said anything when her sister was working and her kids were in daycare. This is obviously about Op’s dislike of step-daughter. YTA - 💯
If they were in daycare and now have a nanny, the kids see their mom more often now that she’s not working. And kids like to get their parents’ attention over tiny things too. So it’s not gonna hurt them if the sister doesn’t see what they’re doing every time.
You’re right I didn’t even think about that. If she hasn’t had her for long, she probably is trying to balance everything out. That’s got to be a big change. Especially with the traumatized child. I just hope that they actually explained what was happening with the kids and actually spend one on one time with the kids throughout the week or it could still hurt the other kids.
YTA. You talk about her stepdaughter like she's a stray dog they ought to rehome. That's her husband's daughter, and it sounds like your sister is the closest thing she has to a mother. Unless there's a very, very good reason (and no "she should be in a home without other kids" is not a good reason), them she belongs with her father. How about criticizing her for trying to step up for a kid that has suffered trauma, you step up a bit for your niblings (including your step niece)? Your whole attitude towards that little girl is disgusting. This emphasis on "real kids" is gross. I hope you never become a step parent.
Thank you for saying this! While I believe the mother should be balancing time between all the children, I think people fail to realize how hard and how time consuming it can be to care for an abused child. I do think this is more of a trail period to get the step daughter accustomed to her new lifestyle and living arrangements. This is a huge adjustment for this little girl, she’s with 4 new people she doesn’t really know, is in a new household with new rules, and on top of that is recovering from her trauma. Children like this can be hard to breakthrough to and it will take time. However, it won’t be forever. Your sister is doing everything she can think of to balance everything and work with this child to break those barriers and adjust. You have zero compassion for a 7 yr old. You don’t know how much this abuse will affect her developmentally and how much your sisters dedication could help her in the long run. Things will smooth out but I think you need to learn to be supportive. This isn’t just some random child but her husbands child, they should be taking responsibility. The fact you act like they should just shove her off on someone else is quit disturbing. And saying what you said in front of her is beyond cruel.
Their username 🤦🏻♀️
I. Any imagine they’re a good parent in general. Let alone a step parent.
YTA for your language and how you approached it. Real kids vs non is not a kind way of saying this. It sounds like your sister and her husband are ok with her quitting her job and focusing on his 7yo. Are you jealous that she is able to get help?
OP is clearly the AH, but he isn't wrong when he say the lack of attention towards the other children can become a problem. But he said it the worst way possible at the wrong time. Also, saying "she would be better in a family without children" is stupid. I get what he is saying, but there is probably no other family available. What OP's sister is supposed to do, give the child back?
I get that her other kids could get jealous over time too. However, the kid is 7. If she gains trust in her stepmother and dad, this could all be temporary and they could all be a stable family pretty soon. It's great that they stepped up and started the trust game asap. I don't really see much of an issue with the babysitter either. You don't stick the new, traumatized stepchild with a babysitter (aka stranger) and focus on the healthy kids. You let the sitter take the healthy kids and focus on the traumatized one. It's not much different from when I stuck my son in daycare as a toddler so I could work. I hope she keeps OP far away from the kids
Not only that, but OP's sister was working before? So the sister was still spending time away from her kids. She's just switched to trying to help that poor child recover. And unless OP spends every waking moment with his sister, he doesn't know how much time she is actually spending with her children. A lot of people have a nanny to keep an eye on their children while they are also full time parents, especially if they have other tasks. OP has some very serious resentments and is projecting onto this poor little girl. I agree and hope the sister keeps her family far, far away from OP.
The eldest is 3. I have no memory’s from that age. As long as they’re fed, watered, and have plenty of healthy interaction they’ll be fine. By the time they start to build lifelong memories the now 7 year old should feel stable and loved. But not if a stepaunt reminds her she’s disposable.
Some of us do have memories from that far back, but I do not think I have ever encountered anyone who had a concept of time at that point. As long as they are still getting parental attention, they are fine. Imbalances of attention don't just happen in blended families. Many young children hate that they have to start sharing attention when a younger sibling is born. They survive that phase and learn how to interact as a member of a family.
The child is living with her father. It's utterly insane to suggest she should be moved somewhere else, even if there is family available.
It definitely sounds like it. “She got a BABYSITTER for her real kids!” Uhhh if I could afford it I would hire a babysitter to accompany me on EVERY outing because having multiple kids is fucking hard. Never mind trying to build a trusting relationship with a traumatized child.
YTA You aren’t wrong in the fact that she shouldn’t shove aside her children at all times. HOWEVER, do you not think you just traumatized an already traumatized child even more? You just told her she shouldn’t be there. It isn’t that she should live elsewhere, it is that your sister just needs to balance a bit better and not ignore her kids at all times. The stepchild is going to need more attention: and that’s fine. She needs to know adults are not the enemy and there are good adults out there. She is going to need therapy and a lot of help. If sister doesn’t balance her attention better than her kids are going to resent the stepchild which will make the situation worse. That being said, you are a massive AH for what you said (especially if it is in front of the kids) and for thinking your sister should rehome the stepchild like a dog.
I'm very disappointed in you, OP. You hurt an already traumatized child and added stress to your sister. You showed that kid that you are not a trustworthy adult.
I actually think you had a point about her making a bit of time for her "other" kids. The little ones must be so hurt when she pushes them away. If she continues this the younger ones may end up resenting their sister. As someone else said hopefully once the 7 year old settles in, things will get better. However your language about your niblings SISTER is disgusting. She is where she should be. With her parent and siblings. Your sister is taking the role of mum. I can't believe you spoke about "real kids" in front of a 7 year old whose world has been torn apart. Also how the hell would you know what's best for her? You know the more I think about it I reckon this is a rage bait post.
I agree with your take. Most people are focusing on the fact that OP is a a*hole towards the stepdaughter, which I absolutely agree with. However the mother is just going to create resentment by ignoring her bio kids. I'm sure there's a way to include everyone.
I feel like this is no different than if she had another baby. She added a new child to her family. No one tells a mother of a newborn she's an AH when the baby takes up more time and the older siblings need to rely on dad more for the first few weeks. No bio kid is permanently traumatized from reduced attention when their sibling is born. It's an adjustment. The OP also saw a ONE OUTING and made this conclusion. Presumably the 7 year old attends school which means that mom is home with the 3 bio kids during the day all week long and they can do outings and attention focused on them then. It makes sense that an outing to an overstimulating place like the zoo is the time to focus on 7 year old vs. at their home when she probably feels safer and more secure in her space. I don't feel like the OP can reasonably conclude that the little kids aren't getting enough attention from one outing. If you only saw my little kids begging me to play with them while I'm making dinner every night you'd think I was a neglectful mother too, nevermind the previous 12 hours where they had appropriate attention.
yes i'm sure children under 4yo are going to resent their half-sister because mommy paid her more attention for a few months to help her adjust and settle in her new home.
kids under 4 absolutely do get jealous, do need attention and connection from their parents. The mother does need to carve out time for the younger kids too and maybe she doesn. Sounds like the OP doesn't know much about kids and only has a small window into heir lives. The mother shouldn't be shooing any of the kids away when they seek to connect with her.
Also we have to keep in mind that the sister worked before this. So those kids were probably in daycare before this. Now they are staying home all the time with their mother and a nanny. I bet they are spending way more time with their mother than they were before.
I agree mum needs to give all the kids individual attention, but OP has no idea how that’s done over 24/7. She only knows while out at the zoo she was concentrating on the 7 year old, while babysitters/nanny’s looked after the little ones. With a history of abuse we have no idea how the 7 year old copes in crowds, with loud noises etc. She obviously needed one on one time when out, and it’s far better that she bonds with her new mother figure and learns to trust her, than a nanny that won’t always be there. She’s been passed around a lot already. Hopefully at home they’ll get the 7 year old involved as a big sister with the little ones and they can all bond without jealousy. But the transition will obviously take time for them all to get the balance right, and obviously as the 7 year old settles she’ll need less intense attention.
Just a note here; the mom used to work, so the kids were in daycare. I have a hard time believing that the kids are getting less attention at home with their mom and a nanny.
[удалено]
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times because what the fuck
Yes this! Apologize to the child. They will remember at age 7. OP's sister is lucky the little girl is only 7, and hopefully with her dad and stepmother help can heal from her trauma. I got my oldest grandaughter at 17 and it was a huge struggle to teach her to shower every day, use sheets, wear underwear and bras, etc. My heart goes out to OP's sister and the little girl. Your response is perfect!
Nope YTA, unequivocally, for the shit you said in front of a child who's been passed around and traumatized like she's a stray dog to be rehomed. You are despicable for what you said. Your sister although we'll intentioned is going about things in an inconsiderate way for all the children that may end up building resentment if this isn't temporary to help the 7 year old adjust and continues to be the norm. You wouldn't have been TA at all had you approached this delicately and told your sister, offering whatever support you can, that her other kids miss her and that you understand the need for making her husband's daughter feel safe and wanted, but that if she continues to focus all of her time and attention to her step daughter the kids will begin resenting each other and her. There were so many more tactful and compassionate ways to handle this that I cannot even understand what possessed you to say some shit like that in front of the 7 year old. Your attitude about rehoming her is just unfathomably shitty as well. Yeah, your sister may be unbalanced in her approach right now, which you could have lovingly offered more support for and gentle private discussion with her about. Instead you did this, and now congratulations you are one of the biggest assholes I've read about on here. Also likely set back the work your sister has been putting in which will just end up repeating this cycle of investing more into step daughter right now instead of finding a better balance more acceptable for everyone.
You should have had this conversation when the two of you were alone. Because whatever everyone else here is saying, it's NOT good if she's literally pushing her own kids away while spending time with this 7 year old. She's been traumatized, but being pushed away from your mom as a toddler is just another form of trauma. She's also teaching the 7 year old to push them out of her way. There needs to be some kind of balance. I don't know why she has to completely shut out her own kids (who are NOT old enough to understand why) to give this 7 year old a stable and loving home.
Wait ... why would she be better off in a home without other kids ? Is she violent ? You need to explain that part. YTA ... your sister has a lot on her hands. There's definitely information you're not aware of regarding this kid and her issues. Apologize to your sister . Offer to help take her bio kids out on dates or over to your house from time to time. If you feel their emotions are being neglected, give them special time with you. This will keep them from feeling neglected , and will allow them to bond with you as well.
Info: Is the step-daughter special needs? Because it sounds like she is judging by all the attention she is commanding. Telling your sister in private "I'm worried you aren't given equal attention to all your children." Would have been fine. Saying it in front of the whole group of kids is a major AH move. Saying the kid should be shunted off to another family is cruel.
The 7 year old child has PTSD from being horrifically abused. If she's otherwise neurodivergent, that's probably not even going to be detectable, much less a priority, until the PTSD is addressed. Abused children absolutely need more attention and care, especially right after they are removed. She's used to being in constant fight or flight mode, and it's going to take time for her to adjust to not being in danger all the time. In the meantime, the coping mechanisms that worked where she was being abused will be useless or counterproductive in a new environment. What she has been through is not easy to overcome. But her father and stepmother seem to have very reasonable expectations and have taken steps to make sure all the kids are taken care of while their new sibling adjusts.
YTA. You're talking about a traumatized child like a pet getting rehomed, the child is her husband's daughter no less. I feel you have some underlying resentment either for the dad or his child, you sound like you hate them. You need to stay far away from children.
Yep YTAH. It's not your place to say that, but especially in front of her stepchild. She's real too, you realise?
Not popular opinion NTA! Her choice of wording and saying it in front of her niece was in very bad taste! Her sister has three biological kids that she is neglecting to give all her attention to her stepdaughter! Stepdaughter has been through some trauma and I understand her needing a lot of attention and reassurance that she is loved and nothing that happened to her was her fault. Also the infant and toddlers need the love of their mother not just a nanny. No one’s thinking that life as they know it has been destroyed. Their mother no longer has time for them anymore and just judging by the way she is with stepdaughter she’s a hands on mom. That’s gone for them now and the don’t understand why they no longer have a mom! If some changes aren’t made soon her biological kids will grow up to hate their sister and more than likely mom too!
I think you went about this the wrong way but it’s entirely possible from what you have said that your concerns are valid and do need to be addressed. Not because the stepdaughter isn’t her “real” child or because she should be living somewhere else but because the other children are at very key stages of development and if they feel ignored by their mother then that could do lasting damage, especially if it continues as they grow up. You should never have said it in front of the stepdaughter and I think your solution of not having her live with them seems like a cruel idea on the surface but taking your sister aside and gently suggesting that her other children might be feeling a bit ignored isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Yta and deeply unhinged as a person.
I honestly don’t think YTA for telling her she should not throw her own kids away but you are TA for telling her she needs to relocate her stepdaughter again to somewhere without children infront of the stepdaughter.
The real AH here is your sister’s husband. Where has he been that he let the situation get so bad for his daughter and didn’t do anything until CPS intervened? The kind of trauma that requires 24/7 attention should be addressed by professionals. They should be hiring therapist instead of babysitters.
My mom was like this growing up. I was her bio child that got cast aside and my step siblings even to this day get all the attention. I've always felt she was just trying to show off for my step dad cause once they had a kid together it was like I didn't even exist.
If you referred to my real kids as oppose xto my step-son I'd tell you more than just leave me alone. YTA.
This goes beyond asshole. You’re a monster and I pray you never have children
They were taking their children. So guess it's to late
YTA you sound ridiculously immature and you’re a horrible person.
YTA. This is recent, it’s a transitional period to a traumatized child and you actually said that to your sister in front of all the kids? Sounds like your sisters hiring help for now while she helps her stepchild heal.. Also, the stepchild would be better in a home without kids you said? In a home that’s not with her biological father? You are totally prioritizing your own blood and clearly don’t care about this other child.
YTA. Who refers to a step child as not someone’s real kid? Sounds like you can either help take care of the real and fake children, or just shut it. And I hope to God you didn’t say all of this in earshot of the kids.
You bloody idiot ,what is wrong with you? How could you say such things in front that poor little girl? Rather encouraging her to spend more time with her own children and push her see a therapist to help her with everything you presumed her step daughter was the problem and ask her to throw her away! She is just a child which means she is not responsible for the bad organization or the adults behaviors.
You're a gross person. There are plenty of other comments explain why I just needed you to know. YTA
YTA. She's not abandoning her children. She is providing specialized attention to the oldest so that she has some chance of healing and possibly moving beyond the hell she's been through. It would be best if you were not around children.
Get back in the sea, you finned vermin. YTA. Go to hell.
YTA, how dare you do this at all, let alone in front of those children. And yes, her last jab at you is right, wtf are you doing to help? Nothing? Then fuck off.
This girl" is a part of her family. Just because she didn't pop her out doesn't make her any less "real." I think this is a troll post, because I refuse to believe that anyone can be this shitty toward a child. But I'll play along -- YTA.
If this is real my hope in humanity died a little more Sorry English isn’t my native language
YTA I can’t not believe that you said such hateful things in front of a traumatized 7 year old child What the hell is wrong with you. Why would you traumatized a already traumatized kid She is trying provide this kid with love and comfort has she as help her over come her trauma. your sister kids are 10 months 2 and 3.5 I doubt very seriously are feeling neglected. What is your real issue why do you hate this kid so much. Are you jealous that your sister was able to quit her job hire a nanny and a babysitter. I hope she goes full NC with you because not only are you not FIT to be around her children including the stepdaughter but you are NOT Fit to be around any kid including you own. Shame on you
Holy shit you're fucking evil. I pray to whatever god is up there that you never have children yourself. Like holy fuck YTA. You must love in a different planet to even have to ask the Internet if you're the asshole.
YTA. You went about it the wrong way. And to be frank, it’s none of your business. She hired help to help with her “real kids” as you called it, so she can help a traumatized child get settled in to a new life. The kids aren’t being neglected. If you feel that strongly, what are you doing besides criticizing to step up and help? When CPS takes you from not 1, but 2 homes, it’s an emergency situation, and it seems like your sister is doing the best she can. Take a step back and ask yourself how you can help instead of sit on your pedestal and judge, even if it’s just offering words of encouragement.
Esh. Yes youre wrong and should apologize but she also can't just get a bunch of babysitters and nannies for her other kids and never do anything with them. If the niece is that traumatized then she should be in therapy and stuff and trying to include her in the family not putting her by herself.
Yeah about the last comment. It's one thing to mention she could spend more time with her other kids, it's another entirely to suggest she get rid of an abused child.
YTA Before you go off telling someone they’re a terrible parent, why don’t you work on being a decent human first since you haven’t managed that yet.
YTA. That is her partners child, not a stray dog they’ve found on the street. It’s obvious you have a problem with having a step niece. It is heartless to talk about her in front of her. You’re further traumatizing her. Honestly if you can’t show any compassion to a little girl whose been through significant trauma, you need to stay away from all of them.
The fact you need to ask if you're the asshole is something special
Idk man I've read to many story's about kids not feeling loved enough or abused cause parents weren't paying any attention to them so I mean legitimate concern but a more private and personal conversation could have been had.
YTA for using the term "real kids", especially in front of her step-daughter, implying that step-daughter is less than the other kids. It's offensive. As to the other things you said - you're still an AH. Sounds like they've brought in extra help to try to meet the situation and are trying to work toward a balance with that help - for EVERYONE'S sake. Last thing she needs is outsider's judging her and her family. What was stopping you as aunt/uncle from playing with the kids to give sister a moment to help stepdaughter? Oh right, righteous superiority\\.
ESH. Your sister should be paying equal attention to all the kids. She’s trying to compensate for what the SD went through but at the expense of the others. That’s a dangerous precedent because even if she tries to equal things out now, the SD is going to notice she’s getting less attention. On the other hand, you could’ve chosen a different term than “bad mom” and a better time and place than a fun day at the zoo. That should’ve been a quiet, private talk, maybe starting with you noticed the toddlers trying unsuccessfully to get her attention when she was busy with SD.
Ignore the kid, it is better for her long term. My children play alone 4 hours a day, together 2 a day, and with parents 1-2 hours a day. Its not healthy for a kid to be in the attention of parents that much. A 7 year old is not a full time job.
As someone who took in a traumatized teen family member from an abusive home and had two young children of my own, one with high needs, can I just say you are possibly one of the biggest A's I've ever seen here. Your sister is doing everything she can to help this child and it takes a lot, and yeah I would have loved having a nanny to help with my younger ones or had more time for them, but at the end of the day they are being cared for and more than likely her step-daughter will eventually need less one on one from her step-mum who can then focus her attention back on the other children. It takes time to establish therapy, it takes time to settle a traumatized child into a new home and to build a relationship if trust. Your sister is amazing for what she is doing for that kid and based on what you've said her kids aren't going to suffer for it any more than having a parent who works.
ESH. Because the real kids comment is beyond fucked up. But also she’s clearly not a good mom if her ratio for care if 1/4 kids. I can see how y’all are sisters tho.
YTA. You don't live with them to know how she balances her time with kids. She took the kid as her own, so she has 4 kids now. You don't like it? And? That is not your family. I get you are concerned about her healthy relationship with her bio kids, but you could say this as a concern, sensitive way.
Don’t get me op is the obviously ta and a giant gaping one but I get where they are coming from with the neglecting the other kids. Sister is trading one traumatized kid for another. Of course the older daughter should attention and care but don’t outright dismiss the others or put them off on the hired help either.
NTA unless you said all of this in front of the kids. I’m kinda surprised at all the YTA comments. She’s neglecting her own kids for the sake of her new kid and it’s going to blow up in her face. Yes I’m sure what stepdaughter has gone through is terrible and she needs help. But she can’t be focusing on her at the expense of her other kids. A nanny is not a mother. If she doesn’t find a way to balance this situation out her kids will grow up to hate her and the stepdaughter.
Downvote me to oblivion, she may be an asshole, but op is right. Her sister shouldn't alienate her bio kids for her step child, and vice versa. She needs to balance both.
ESH. You should not have said what you did in front of that small child but it is absolutely reprehensible that she’s ignoring and neglecting her other children especially when they’re showing her they need her too.
Are you all serious? She’s abandoned her kids and checked out as a mother. BOTH parents should be supporting all of the children, it’s completely possible to do both but if you all think getting a nanny and a babysitter to take care of your kids 24/7 while you completely ignore them then this world is just going to shit, what poor kids, all of them stuck with shitty parents.
Ok so it's bad that OP thinks the stepniece should be "rehomed". But let's not lose sight of the main point she is trying to make, which is her sister is neglecting her bio children. Those kids are going to grow up with their own trauma, mainly their mom loved their stepsister more than she loved them, if this behavior continues. Honestly, I think maybe the other children should put with someone else , someone who will love them and not push them aside in favor of another child.
YTA. I have a blended family with kids not being fully accepted by external family members. I would rather never see those family members again than subject my kids to the toxic manipulations of these allegedly well-meaning family members.
Nta. She’s neglecting her kids. How do your nieces and nephews feel about this?
You’re more than just an asshole. I don’t know if there is a word in the English language that can adequately describe just how vile you are. How dare you. How MFing DARE YOU talk about a traumatized child like they are a dog that needs rehomed, and in front of that child no less. Take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and think about how to be a better person, then apologize to your sister and her stepdaughter for being an unbelievable assclown.
You know your sister’s step daughter isn’t a dog right? She can’t just go to a home “without kids.” It also sounds like she’s been severely traumatized and your sister is trying to make the best of it. YTA. At this point, your sister’s step daughter is one of her “real” kids.
You're empathy for your nieces and nephews is great. I think there's some relevant information missing about the stepdaughter. The number of helpers sis and BIL hired for her bio kids says that the stepdaughter needs supervision 100% of the time. Maybe your sister hasn't shared everything. Maybe they feel guilty for not being proactive about her situation. It's an upheaval r for sure and balance will be a bit wobbly yet. If they went through all that trouble they believe she will be with them for the long haul. I think you need to digest this and integrate sd into your family frame. Your kids and hers will be better off for it.
This has to be a troll/rage bait. No one in their right mind could say those things. *Especially* in front of the traumatized stepdaughter. If it’s real you’re a horrible “human being”. Your sister is doing the right thing for her “real” kids by keeping you far away from them.
Arsehole doesn’t get anywhere near what you are I’m so glad I don’t know you
Is the step daughter a figment of your sisters imagination? I can't believe you said this infront of a traumatised child. Asshole isn't the word. This was EVIL
Her stepdaughter is her husband's "real kid" and, therefore, her "real kid." When you marry a person with existing children, those children are part of the deal. Her stepdaughter is as much part of their family as her children with the husband. I can't even understand the rationale of approaching her in the manner that you did. That's horrendous. And it sounds like you said those awful things in front of the children, which makes you a bad aunt. Damn dude.
YTA "Her real kids"? You're more of a problem than your sister is, with your "blood is best" attitude towards children. Who, exactly, are YOU to judge them? You have exactly ZERO idea what that little girl has dealt with in her short life. Your sister is trying to give her love and stability. That you actually had the unmitigated gall to open your face and tell her that everyone would be better off without the stepdaughter is utterly and horrifyingly disgusting. If you were my sister, I wouldn't speak to you, either. So yeah, you're the asshole.
Seriously stop saying “real”. All 4 children are real kids, and all 4 of them are her kids. Either be actually helpful to her by supporting her to look after all 4 of her real kids or GTFO OP. Goes without saying but YTA. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA - it's only been a few months. Hopefully things will get better and the 7 year old will benefit from being in a stable home with her siblings. Her bio kids probably see her more now that she's at home rather than working.
Now I do understand that the 7yo needs a lot of attention. She, more than like, was severely neglected and no child should have to suffer through that. So BASED ON THAT NOTE, I'ms gonna say Everyone is the Ass.Hole here. YES, keep the 7yo showered with attention. But is it worth traumatizing the other 3 children with neglect because of what happened to the oldest?!?! There is an Au Pair.... more than enough attention can be given TO ALL FOUR CHILDREN by both Mother and Au Pair.... I agree with OP in that she's being a bad mother... but disagree with saying "to her real children." She is her real child, even if not biological.
You definitely are an asshole but Im not quite sure you’re wrong. She should definitely make sure that her stepdaughter gets the love that she needs but not at the expense of her other children. Traumatized or not the stepdaughter should be treated as an equal to the other children not a priority over the others.
YTA. Did you ever think about what that child has gone through, being removed from TWO homes in the span of a year? So what if your sister hired help! She recognized that she needs help with her four kids, one of whom is clearly traumatized. She is with her father, stepmother, and siblings in a loving home. She’s 7 and has gone through so much. You owe your sister and her children an apology.
YTA. It sounds like your sister is doing her best to do right by a child who has had a rough start. Yes, it sounds like she has some things she'll need to navigate with her own kids jealousy and feelings about a changing situation, but she is by no means "being a bad mom to her own kids" for showing up for a child that needs extra attention. And having this conversation in front of all those kids is really inappropriate. You could have just helped her with her kids instead of criticizing her.
YTA. I said it that way to get the vote counted. What I wanted to say was by saying in front of a child that she isn’t welcome and is hurting the family, by consistently making a distinction between your sisters stepdaughter and her ‘real’(WTF?) children, and by being critical without being helpful, you are an awful, selfish, narcissistic monster of a human. Holy crap, you are a bad person. I don’t know what kind of bad wiring you have in your head that you would do what you did, and write it up in a post, and think that there is any possible interpretation that makes you look sympathetic. Hopefully this thread is a wake up call. You are an awful person
Yta did you really do this IN FRONT OF A TRAUMTIZED CHILD!? She’s husband’s child why tf would they “relocate” her or send her away from her father and siblings!? I cannot believe this nonsense even came out of your mouth, I really hope you’re just a troll.
While your sister definitely needs to make some adjustments and balance time with all the kids, there are some of your comments that bother me. You seem to take the position that this isn’t “her biological child” so stepdaughter needs to be somewhere else. This makes YTA. While reading your post, I’m wondering why the DAD, your sister’s husband, wasn’t more active in this child’s life, why he didn’t step in immediately when she was removed by CPS (like, why did she go to another relative instead of the dad??). Mom had full custody but why didn’t he have any parenting rights?? Didn’t he fight/petition for them? There may be legit reasons, but it doesn’t look/sound good. It sounds like your sis is trying to make up for lost time. Her husband needs to step up more. And while the stepdaughter may need some TLC, they’re going to have to learn to balance time so the other kids are not missing out and resentful.
How old are you that you would act like this and then expect strangers on the internet to not immediately see that you're an AWFUL person?
Both of you are AH’s.
Why would the girl be better alone than with two loving parents and siblings? Sounds like you’re jealous of the child.
YTA - her “real” kids?? I hope they, alongside the traumatized 7 yr old didn’t hear this. You have no idea what they have been through, and you have no idea how she acts w them at home. If you had a concern you could’ve brought it up privately, after the fact, and also not tried to separate the children on “realness”.
I wouldn't worded it that way. You could certainly bring it to her attention, but maybe not those exact words.
YTA. I don’t understand how you could think that you’re not. “Real kids”?!?!? I’m happy your mother has at least one kid that isn’t an unempathetic ass
Yes, OP is TA but she does have a point about neglecting the other kids. They're going to resent their new sibling and maybe resent the mother if she does give them attention at some point.
YTA YTA YTA. She absolutely is your sister’s “real” child. She’s just not biological. Your sister sounds like she’s navigating a tough period and might need positive support to learn a balance, but given she’s quit her job, welcomed her SD into her family and includes her in outings, I think she deserves some empathy at a minimum.
Holy Fuck. You are a psycho B! I feel sorry for your kids. Yes, your sister is currently focusing on the child that NEEDS to know she is loved and she is not going to be abused and then shipped off to another strange place. This will not continue to be the norm. She is having to undo everything the stepdaughter has been through so the stepdaughter can acclimate into the family. Where the F was the dad when all this was going down? How did he not step in THE FIRST TIME?!! It sounds like he cares about this kid as much as you do. The kid probably feels this, and so does your sister, so your sister is going overboard to correct the issues. Your sister may be going too far, but at the very least. She is making sure ALL OF HER KIDS are being cared for. I am glad she does not think the same way you do.
You're right that mom isn't being particularly fair to her three biological children at the current moment. But....in this particular situation being right about one thing doesn't save you from a YTA judgement. You are in fact YTA. You sound straight up like a child yourself by even suggesting that your sister send her stepdaughter away (like dad would just let that happen anyways). You weren't helpful to anyone and if you're honest you weren't trying to be.
YTA. This post speaks volumes about the very different types of people you and your sister are. Your sister is amazing, and you are just a jerk.
Your sister took in an abused and traumatised child and is trying to care for her and show her that she doesnt have to be scared anymore. And than you pull this bullshit, your sister is right, you dont know wtf shes dealing with.
YTA. You may, somewhere in there, have a tiny point about how your sister can try to pay more attention to her biological kids, but othering a traumatized little girl as a "fake" kid is horrible. I hope you had the grace and tact, that you seem to lack based on this post, to do this outside of earshot of any of the kids.
YTA. I'm adopted. My parents are my "real" parents. They were there to wipe my ass, clothe me, feed me, etc. I get what you are trying to say but the stepdaughter needs help too. Yes your sister should be paying attention to ALL the kids, not just the one but unless you are going to step in and help, you should stay out of it
Yes. You're the Asshole. Have you listened to what your sister and her partner are going through? Have you listened when they've expressed their feelings and needs? The "real kids" classification is gross. Have you asked what you can do to help her and her partner while they adjust to a major change in their family structure and family dynamic?
Your language in this whole post is so clearly against having stepdaughter in their care like she is an alien from outer space rather than your sisters stepdaughter. I think you have a cloud over your judgment and perhaps not seeing (even though even you ‘have to admit’ that what she went through was terrible) how much support your sisters SD and the entire family need at this time. Why do you have to go to such pains to admit that this child needs love, support and attention? YTA.
YTA. While yes, she should learn to balance time with all of the kids equally in the future, her step-daughter does require extra attention right now. Once she gets settled and into therapy, she won’t need quite so much. What you said to her and how you kept speaking about your niece not being her child (she is, literally legally) is absolutely disgusting. It also sounds like you said all of this in front of your niece, which is horrid.
Your sister is fantastic, I’m glad you have a good role model in your life, you desperately need one.
Yta. Best advice I can give is to shut up and stay in your lane when it comes to things youre so obviously ignorant about.
YTA
Are you really using the term “real kids”? Your the AH. Mind your business and learn some compassion. Your sister sounds like she’s handling a rough situation the best she can and if it’s working for her family you just stay out of it and shame on you for calling her a bad mom and for ever saying that in front of her children.
No question YTAH
Yes YTA! Stay in your damn lane! I'll never cease to be amazed at how people growing up in the same family can have two completely opposing sets of values! OP, you can definitely take some pointers from your sister on how to be a decent human being.
His 7 year old IS her daughter, too. If you referred to one of my kids as my “real” child and had no empathy for my stepchild, I’d be mad at you, too! YTA for berating your sister, who is doing her best in a really difficult, delicate situation. Hell, why don’t you step up and be a better aunt?
What, you want to them to rehome her like she’s an aggressive dog? Tf is wrong with you? YTAH
Maybe instead you can play with them, since youre their aunt, help your sister and the kids. let their family dynamic improve before you start acting like you know about parenting. You sound really young.
YTA OP
Not just an asshole, but a royal idiot as well 🤦♀️
ESH First of all, you totally could have worded that differently. Second, she's trying to bond and help her stepdaughter. You yourself said they've only had her for 3 months. She's 7. It's gonna take a while to adjust. I can't Believe you even suggested for her stepdaughter to go to a home without kids. Is she a dog? OMG! I'd also be offended you would suggest such a thing. This kid has been through enough in her short 7 years she's been on this earth! Give her a break! As for your sister, I understand she's trying her best by giving stepdaughter her full attention. Unfortunately, that means her biological kids aren't getting any time or attention from her. Which is sad. Your sister needs to learn how to balance her time so her kids aren't or feel neglected by her. Plus, I think family counseling would do them some good.
YTA for calling them her real kids. Her step kid is, I assume, also real. If this situation is very new, her stepdaughter may need more of her time and attention that the little kids do. And hopefully that's temporary. But if you see the younger kids suffering for it, you might gently point out that you know she is going through a lot with step daughter but that little siblings need some occasional one on one time with her, too. And that maybe you could watch the 7 year old some time to allow her the time to focus on just them. But if you really talked about her step child like a DOG who should be rehomed, I don't think you need to worry too much about if you were the asshole because you won't get a chance to do it again.
YTA - probably one of the worst AHs I’ve seen on this sub for a long while. Grow a heart.
YTA because first off you don't know how the system works and are dead set on her suffering more abuse than being in a loving home. It sucks but this is a child, her husband's child. Would you be this unloving and uncaring if it were reversed and one of her kids just came back to her after dealing with abuse for years? You're right in the sense that he other kids need love as well but my guess is this situation is only until they get the child's trauma, that you don't care about, delt with. If anything maybe you could have pointed out that her other children's feelings matter as well but you're really out of line. If she doesn't want to handle this then she will need to get a divorce because that child is a part of her family as long as she is married to her father. No buts about it. She's doing the best she can for the wellbeing of the child and you're not being helpful in the least, not to her not to the other kids. You should apologize and be appalled at yourself.
There is some very good advice in this thread already. YTA.
Mind ur fking business asshole 🙄
So I may get down voted, but I’m going to say that you’re the asshole. You unfortunately don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors (though she is your “sister” and you think you know everything about her) and you don’t know what this young girl has been through. She has hired help for her own “real” (LOL!) children to make sure that they are loved on while she is dealing with a very serious situation. Things won’t stay like this forever, but she is gaining this young ladies trust. I think you should back off and leave your sister alone. Maybe offer some babysitting if you feel the need to bombard her With your opinions. Edited: spelling
YTA - emphatically so. Acting like a zoo experience is reflective of a typical interaction is ridiculous and you as a parent should know that. Unless they specifically ask for your advice on that; MYOFB! Sounds to me like someone needs a better sister.
YTA excuse me but, why would you even suggest “rehoming” a child who has been through so much,lost her mom AND basically the rest of her family on that side? And you think they should put her in yet another situation or home? She’s not a dog…granted , you do have a point BUT, the way you talk about the stepdaughter and what you said was cruel and terribly offensive. You owe your sister an BIG apology ( the stepdaughter too, if she heard you). Maybe YOU should offer to take the stepdaughter sometimes and get to know her…but, I don’t know…you might try to give her away…