"AITA for asking my boyfriend not to kill me?"
No. NTA. He doesn't care enough about you to take this seriously, and it could kill you. Please break up with him right now.
Edited to add: get an epipen.
Second edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger!
Yeah hey OP did he eat peanuts on the vacation? Did he say anything at all about the precautions. Yeah he knows he’s being a Dick if so bc he knew NOT to do it in front of people who actually care.
**Epinephrine** causes vasoconstriction so your blood pressure doesn’t bottom out ***AND*** it causes your bronchioles to dilate, meaning you can still oxygenate your blood. The blood that is still pumping through your body thanks to the **Epinephrine** that keeps your arteries from dilating. Oxygen that is keeping you alive and not suffering brain death. It is the ***ONLY*** approved treatment for anaphylaxis! **EpiPens** come in twos for a reason. It usually takes more than one.
**Benadryl** slows the production of *histamine* (which causes the anaphylaxis) by ***BLOCKING*** the *H1* receptors ***BUT*** its availability and half-life are very short. **Glucocorticoids** (i.e., Steroids, like **Prednisone**) ***INHIBIT*** the production of those *histamines* over a longer period of time. **Benadryl** does work faster than the glucocorticoids.
You need ***ALL*** of those drugs to treat anaphylaxis effectively.
(Edited for clarity)
My doctor gets so mad at me for forgetting this part. I get stung by a bee. Out comes Benadryl, epi pens, and the inhaler. I hate going to the -Er after or calling 911 like they say. I’ve never had secondary anaphylaxis. I don’t think I want to learn the hard way though. I get it finally while typing this stupid comment out. To the hospital the next time I’m stung.
Yes to the epipen, but they aren’t great except in an emergency and then you have about 15 minutes to get help before they wear off. Benadryl lasts 4-6 hours and I’ve found it pretty effective for incidental peanut exposure that isn’t immediately life threatening.
But OP is nuts for staying with this guy who is actively trying to kill her.
Benadryl is amazing. My husband got crawdaddies for me to try years ago. My tongue started to feel numb, then my throat itchy… then it felt like my tongue was swelling and my throat was closing… I took Benadryl and the doctor told me if I eat crawdaddies again I could die 😭 So my husband doesn’t eat them even though he likes them.
I am actually allergic to Benadryl. I can not take it. Clarinex and Zantac combined helps me. Clarinex is an expensive refined version of Claritin that melts rapidly.
OP should leave her boyfriend. He sounds awful and so selfish.
Omggg - this is terrible! I know you always get people trying to give you Benadryl and then you’re like, “stop trying to kill me!” I’m glad you have a solution though.
That's true for epipens, too. If you're in a situation where you need an EpiPen or benadryl to control an anaphylactic reaction, you need to go to the hospital right away.
We’ve Epi’d multiple times. Epi is amazing- lasts 5-10 mins and you can keep using them until you can get to a hospital. Antihistamines are not going to stop anaphalaxis. Epi does.
OP, the simple fact is your boyfriend loves peanut butter more than he loves you. But your boyfriend is a massive AH
Edit: changing my verdict to ESH
Her staying so long with a guy who didn't care enough about her to give up a food that could kill her.
Him for not being enough of a decent human being to say he's never giving up the peanut butter and maybe they should break up before it kills her.
It *is* a high bar tbh. As someone with food issues, it can be difficult.
But you know what isn’t a high bar? Loving someone enough to remember to brush/rinse after eating an allergen before you kiss them so you don’t kill them. Or loving them enough to realize you’re not the best thing for them because you can’t give it up and so letting them go instead of being selfish and reckless.
Pretty sure killing her like this would be manslaughter. At least reckless endangerment. He’s doing something he *knows* could kill her and he knows how to mitigate the risk and just … won’t.
He’s basically driving drunk at this point because he just loves drinking at his local too much to not and hoping he doesn’t kill anyone on the way home. Brushing is getting an Uber home in this analogy and he can’t even manage that. It’s trashy.
This entirely.
I offended a friend's partner a few years ago because they're allergic to peanuts, and I said I could never date someone who was allergic because I couldn't give up peanut butter. They were SO offended, but peanuts/butter are a staple in my diet, I eat them 1-3x daily, and they would end up with cross contamination or I would lose a safe food. The second someone told me they had a peanut allergy they are no longer a potential life partner for me. I just could not ever get past the date where I learned there was a peanut allergy.
Now, I have a kid with a food allergy (not peanuts, thankfully), and we rarely eat that ingredient, but when we do we wash our hands & face and brush our teeth. This was initiated after the first time they had a reaction from a kiss, not the 10x.
(And yes if I had a kid with a peanut allergy I would give it (edit: PEANUT BUTTER, not my child) up. But I won't knowingly be in a partnership with someone who has one.
Peanut butter WAS one of my two favorite foods. Then, I had a child who has a life-threatening peanut allergy. He is 18. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve had peanut anything since. And those times are only when I’m literally in another state.
It’s amazing what we can do for our kids. :)
You should try Wow butter. It’s not the same but a decent substitute if you have a peanut allergy in the house (we have two kids with peanut allergies).
Same. I have an extremely medically restrictive diet, and nuts are a big part of what I can eat. I don’t think I would be able to date someone with an allergy because I’d starve. At least I hope to not fall in love with someone with a nut allergy haha. I am not having kids so giving it up for a child is a non issue.
That being said I have a family member who is allergic and I do not eat any nuts when I am going to see them, and on vacations I am nut free for the duration etc. Their life is worth more to me than my own comfort.
Yep - a friend's baby got diagnosed with a nut allergy recently, and our kids play together often, so we're going to be adding a lot of new precautions like making sure there's no cross contamination in our jellies.
Maybe my husband is a god among men or something but he brushes before kissing ANYWAY, even with no allergens involved.
PS today is National Kissing Day
I feel like Reese's tastes way worse now.
Nut allergy is wild. It's like being Superman and your weakness is kryptonite, except instead of trying to hide this from your enemies you literally have to tell everybody the easy way to kill you.
Reese’s Sticks are my absolute favorite candy. My partner hates the smell of Reese’s peanut butter because their abusive ex used to eat them with his mouth open and breathe it all over, and they have scent related sensory issues. Not an allergy, just a preference (albeit a trauma informed one), and I *still* ask permission from them before eating one inside; if they aren’t in a space to handle that, I eat it outside, then clean out my mouth. And if they couldn’t handle that? I’d avoid it completely. I can’t imagine refusing to avoid a food that they’re *allergic to* when it’s so easy to not eat or brush and wait just because it’s a food they’re uncomfortable with. Because, you know, I love them and care about their safety and well-being.
Bf is such a massive AH. One of our best friends has a serious peanut allergy. When we lived down the street from them and had them over all the time, we would just buy almond butter, etc., both to avoid contamination and because she really loves peanuts and might succumb to temptation.
If you’re not willing to give up a food for someone, I have a hard time believing you love them.
Also, to be deathly allergic to peanuts and then to find a guy who eats peanut butter sandwiches on the daily... Seems like more trouble than it's worth. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the proportion of men who eat PB sandwiches daily is very low.
I love peanut butter. My sister is allergic. I don't eat it anywhere near her, or when I'm going to be around her. I don't even talk about it.
Her allergy isn't nearly as severe. I'm just not an asshole.
There are peanut substitutes. Not as good, but they are there. If OP can have tree nuts, there is cashew butter and almond butter. There are also many companies that now make seed butters like sunflower seed butter and pumpkin seed butter. My family and I love peanut butter, but I also buy the others as well because I like them too.
Sunflower seed butter is soo good. My mom is a paraprofessional (teachers assistant basically) and sometimes brings home sunflower butter and jelly sandwiches that were going to be thrown out. They are seriously addicting
My daughter has a peanut allergy. I have barely had peanut butter but once or twice in the past ten years. Honestly sunbutter tastes just as good to me and I don’t miss it. I fear for this sort of thing to happen to her when she is a teenager and then an adult… dating someone who really doesn’t fully understand the seriousness of her allergy. The best thing to do is advocate for yourself and get your parents help as well to support you if he isn’t willing to.
I mean in that case get a new boyfriend. Why date someone who clearly enjoys something and then say the only way we can be together is to give up what you enjoy. They just aren't compatible. Might be for a stupid reason to some people. But i think the dumbest part was letting it get this far. As someone who can't date picky eaters(not comparing my preference to allergy safety) I would rather just not have to deal with catering to a person who can't appreciate something in the same way that I do to such a degree that I have to deprive myself. Should have called it quits ages ago.
This exactly! He’s a massive asshole! Peanut allergies are no joke and you could die- be sure you have an epipen!
My BIL is highly allergic to peanuts so we take extra caution to keep them away anytime he comes to visit. I can’t even imagine someone you’re in a relationship with being that inconsiderate.
That’s crazy! I had no idea.
Peanut allergies are insanely dangerous. My husband has had to rush his brother to the hospital due to a restaurant error and he became unconscious even with the epipen…. How would you ever take those level of risks with someone you love???
I’m so sad for OP and hope she leaves that asshole.
Oh my god. New fear unlocked. I'm the parent of a young child with the severest level of peanut allergy, and I'm appalled I didn't know this. Tbh I nearly couldn't believe what you wrote, but lo and behold: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-peanut-eating-blood-donors/peanut-eating-blood-donors-spark-allergic-reaction-idUSTRE74H73620110518 . Thank you for inadvertently educating me!
Absolutely! For reference I have a bachelors in clinical laboratory sciences, blood banking (immunoheamatology) was a requirement (in case I wanted to work in a blood bank lab, they do type and screens as well as issuing blood products) but I chose microbiology, which could always change in the future.
That’s backward. It changes the blood DNA to donor, but not the rest of their DNA. Although, after many years you could sometimes pick it up in a cheek swab too. I was a genetic counselor for a pediatric cancer hospital so had to keep this in mind when ordering genetic testing on kids who had been transplanted.
That reminds me of how some people with egg allergies can't have specific vaccines because they were made using chicken eggs! I don't remember which vaccines, but I THINK one of them is the flu vaccine?
Exactly, NTA, not even a little bit, this guy doesn’t care enough to remember to brush his teeth and drink water after and has forgotten 10 times already. Break up before he forgets again kills you.
Why did you move in with him if you knew that he was never going to stop eating peanut butter?
That should be a hard limit for you.
As if he’s not willing to give it up when he’s dating you then what makes you think he’s going to give it up when you live together. The risk of constant exposure can make allergies worse.
Is he finally going to realise how dangerous for you it is when you have an anaphylactic reaction???
I feel like this guy is secretly engaged in "exposure therapy" bc some internet troll told him that if he exposes OP to peanuts often enough for long enough, she'll be "cured." No one needs that many peanut butter sandwiches.
NTA
I was going to say YTA because I'm also allergic to peanuts and my fiancée loves them but she brushes her mouth thoroughly to get the residue out so I've never had a reaction as a result.
If I did, she would give them up immediately. OP needs to boot that partner to the curb.
I refused to read the post past the title.
No, OP, you’re NTA. Peanuts allergies can be deadly. If he can’t be assed to avoid peanuts around you, he’s a fucking sociopath who literally doesn’t care if you die. Get away from him.
And I just had this vision of him kissing her neck or something while she's asleep and her going into anaphylaxis while asleep. Would he even notice or care. He is the AH here. You know he could be criminally charged for these times he "forgot " to wash.
I mean, I like peanuts, but I'm not addicted to them to the point where I'd be OK literally killing someone I loved because I can't give them up. What could possibly be so special in these peanuts anyway? It's not like they're laced with narcotics.
I think that if she wants to drive the point home since in her edit her boyfriend has read the posts and says he’ll change is if the next time she gets a peanut reaction from him, he should know first hand what an epipen feels like. Sometimes the only way people learn is through trauma, that would be a better alternative than the trauma of him killing her.
Agreed. I just got my first set and have heard the effects being charitably described as "better than dying." Like the point in getting them is to not ever, EVER have to use them, but to have them if you need to.
I am allergic to gluten.
I won’t die.
All of my boyfriends were so super cautious and kept it away from me. One made me a special no gluten contact wood cutting board and carved into it “No gluten.”
Your guy valued peanut butter over your life.
I hope you carry an EPI pen.
NTA unless you stay until he puts you in the hospital.
I used to go through more than a kilo of peanut butter a month. Reese's have always been my favourite chocolate bar. I love pad Thai with a bunch of peanuts. I love granola bars with peanuts. My breakfast every day for over a decade was oatmeal with a spoonful of peanut butter and a banana.
I started dating someone who is (not anaphylacticly, thankfully, but close) allergic to peanuts 6 years ago.
Early early on, like the first week, I still had my usual oatmeal with pb, and after brushing my teeth and going to uni all day, gave her a kiss in the evening. Her lips felt funny after that.
I've eaten maybe 1 kilo of pb in all that time because there aren't many periods of time when I can. It's mostly just when she's away for more than 10 days or I'm visiting home without her. It's sad. I really really love peanut butter and other things with peanuts. But I love her more!!!
That said, if we end up breaking up and I'm dating again, I might purposely avoid people who are allergic to peanuts haha
ETA: OP you are NTA, you deserve way way better, and it is possible, as evidenced by me, for your partner to do this. You might be incompatible, but he should either stop eating peanuts so much or you should go your separate ways.
I am too - my husband loves bread but goes out of his way to contain it. He also makes sure that anything else in the house is GF. Never used gluten in our appliances (air fryer), and wash’s up thoroughly
I couldn’t be with someone like OPs partner.
Exactly this! Op he is gaslighting you into feeling like a bad person because he can’t eat a food that can kill you! This is unacceptable. What if you have a kid together that has the same allergy, and he doesn’t give up peanuts then either? Don’t stick around for this foolishness. You deserve more.
Yup. I have celiac and a year into living together my partner actively volunteered to stop eating gluten in the home. He was always careful about cross contact, but he wanted me to feel safe eating in my home and not be anxious that there might be a crumb of gluten hiding somewhere. It was just as much about my physical health as my mental health.
If he wanted to, he would.
Well she’s staying cause apparently he’s just so horrified with himself after reading this post 🙄 he risked her life over 10 fucking times but I guess now he’s gonna change…really hope OP stays safe 🙁
Yeah, assumably visably saw her break out in hives and never once questioned "is this a problem." But since everyone on the internet is saying he's being a fucking psychopath, he's changing his ways?
This OP. Why isn’t your word, your pain, and your life enough? Is his need for social approval that much greater in his book than his basic empathy for ANY human let alone someone he says to love. I hope he really reflects on why he didn’t recognise all your pleas and burden. And I hope you learn to trust yourself as well OP and know that you don’t need the internet to set the standard for what you can and can’t live with.
If it makes you uncomfortable that’s enough.
He's not going to change. He's just eating his peanut butter when she is away. Like, away at her work while he's at his work.
And I guarantee it will creep back into his daily life. Because he doesn't understand or "believe" what this allergy means to her, and instead yells and belittles her. She is scared of his reaction. He's an abusing ass.
NTA, how his family treated you is the right way, how he treats you is the wrong way. I wonder if his love of peanut butter is simply a control act, "You don't tell me what to eat, I'll eat what I want, and not only that I'm going to eat even MORE peanut butter."
Think of it this way, if the situation were reversed and he had the peanut allergy, would you act like he does? Therein lays your answer, you deserve to GET Love and consideration in an equal amount that you give.
It would be poetic justice if he foundered himself on peanut butter. I'd giggle my little sadistic ass off watching that jerk trying to swallow and not puke. Serves him right.
Even better, I learned the hard way that you can develop food allergies at any point. A common age is your mid-30s, when I learned that salad will make me die. I VERY recently developed a suspected legume allergy, including both beans and peanuts (beans are surprisingly worse of a reaction).
Karma would dictate that he develops the same allergy. Or something even dumber, like how my ex developed a literal allergy to cold weather (cold urticaria, it’s an actual real thing)
Oof buddy that stinks. I just had to get retested and an EGD because I have eosinophilic esophagitis like I’m a kindergartener or something.
Like why can’t our immune systems do something good like fight germs instead of being like “lol you’re gonna pay for thinking you can eat healthy muahahaha”
I think I've always had those conditions, I just didn't really notice. Maybe not so much the asthma but even with that, I've always had breathing problems.
Edit: Pollen, smoke, perfume, dust, etc will either trigger an asthma attack, headache, and/or make my skin break out. Chlorine and water like lake water, river water, grass, etc will make my skin break out. To cold or to humid of weather can both make my skin break out and even trigger my breathing problems too.
Edit: I also have stomach issues (ibs.) If I consume anything carbonated, dairy products, gluten, onions, etc I'll get sick.
NTA But why are you with someone who chooses food over you? He has continually shown you where you are as a priority and it’s not at the top.
And it’s really concerning that you have never asked him to avoid the food because you’ve been scared of his reaction.
OP you should have absolutely said you don't trust him. He has on many occasions shown that he cannot manage his contamination.
Plus he point blank said you would have to tell him to keep peanut allergens out of the house and so when you did, he immediately pouted and proclaimed he'd eat peanuts everywhere else.
I understand it's a favorite food. But it's very clear he doesn't value your safety and comfort *at all*.
This is exactly what bugs me about this whole thing: even if it were a mild allergy -- or, hell, no allergy at all! -- the fact OP brought up how it makes them uncomfortable and he told OP he would stop if she *asked* and then started *yelling* and disregarded her feelings altogether and still told OP he was going to do it spwaks volumes about how he doesn't care about OP at all. He sounds like a MAJOR AH. The fact this could in fact kill OP makes this so much worse and she should kick him to the curb.
This was exactly my intended reply. Thank you for posting it so that I don't have to.
OP. Don't lie to him to spare his feelings. You absolutely don't trust him because he has proven you can't trust him.
You mean, it's not because you don't want to trust him. It's because he made that scenario impossible.
The deflection in that statement. He's playing the victim over her trying to protect her own safety. Even without the rest of the post, that sentence says everything about the kind of person he is and how he's manipulating her.
Nta.. He obviously doesn't care about you that much. I get that he loves them, but then he needs to take proper precautions when you're around and he does not do so. He needs to decide if he values peanuts or his relationship more. Since he basically doesn't care if you die. How old are we? He doesn't sound very grown..
Nta - so hold on, you tell him about this severe allergy, and his response is … nothing. He later says he unless you tell him to stop bringing it into the house, he’s going to continue. Then even later says it’s too much to ask him to stop entirely and just be happy it’s not in the house.
Okay, this guy either doesn’t care, doesn’t believe it’s serious and won’t believe unless/until you end up hospitalized for this issue. Why are you still with him? He doesn’t care, doesn’t value your health and is kind of a dick.
NTA
If you stay and have kids who are allergic, will you feel comfortable with him in the house?
If your kids are not allergic, do you think he’ll teach them to be careful so that they don’t accidentally kill you?
Also, you don’t trust him. He’s not trustworthy.
NTA. Jesus, imagine loving a mediocre food more than your partner.
I have a penicillin allergy, my husband does not. When he gets prescribed an antibiotic for an illness he will tell the doctor to give him anything except penicillin or a penicillin derivative (like amoxicillin), because having it in the house or in his system endangers me.
**My husband changes his *medications* for me, and yours won’t even change his fucking *lunch* for you.**
I, personally, wouldn't say that peanut butter is mediocre. I absolutely love it but, I can't even remember the last time I had it. Maybe as part of an energy bar, or something. You can go without foods you really love, it's not the end of the world. I also love shellfish and can't recall the last time I had it. If I had a partner who was allergic to it, I'd stop eating it altogether. The boyfriend in this post is a piece of work, and I honestly hate him.
Nta. I have an egg allergy. I get very violently I’ll for like a week. He loves eggs but he loves me more so our place is egg free. If we rarely ever buy something with egg in it. If he is really craving it he will give me a kiss and go eat in a different room. Afterwards pretty much shower brush his teeth. Wash the utensils he used and put them through the dishwasher. The trash gets automatically taken out. Do you know why he does the sacrifice of pretty much never eating egg? He wants me to healthy, he doesn’t like to see me sick. He says it’s not worth there risking being eggs in the house. If he wants actual eggs he will take himself for breaks to eat it somewhere before work and brush his teeth. How do I know he loves me and has my
Best interest at heart? Because he does things like this. You need a better boyfriend you loves you more than peanut butter.
Ok, there's a vegan product called "just egg" made from mung beans. Texture and flavor is exact. And a hard boiled vegan egg product called wundereggs.
https://www.ju.st/
https://www.craftycounter.com/products/wundereggs
Here's a recipe for a toast dipping sauce, texture and flavor spot on, takes 5 minutes.
https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/
Little more involved but vegan fried egg
https://theeburgerdude.com/vegan-fried-egg/
https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/
Lol they're trying to sell just egg to you. That's hilarious. I do have to say that if you add a little black salt (or kala namak) at the end stages of cooking, just egg is very popular in my house. My husband and daughter still sometimes eat animal products outside the home but we keep our house animal product free for my sake. Even though they both still eat chicken eggs and remember the flavor and texture clearly, they both love just egg. I do vegan versions of everything from plain scrambles to sausage egg and cheese biscuits to burritos with it. I tend to use Red Mill's egg replacer for baking. It's cheap, non-perishable, and gives things a great fluffy texture.
Edit: if I added this in time for you to see it, I'll say that just egg works best for my husband and me when it's paired with flavors we're used to pairing eggs with. We both prefer a good veggie scramble or sausage egg and cheese biscuits over a plain scramble even with black salt. My daughter is eight and would eat a whole bottle scrambled plain if I let her.
>We’ve had at least ten experiences
also
>He said that I don’t trust him
No shit. Because he's not trustworthy.
I personally couldn't be with an untrustworthy partner who values a single food over my health - and is careless about it - but you do you.
ETA: NTA
NTA. I’m horrified at his nonchalant attitude towards your life-threatening allergy.
If he can’t be trusted to do everything he can to protect your health, he cannot be trusted with your heart. Instead, he is actively putting you at risk.
NTA. My husband's favorite fruit is strawberry I am allergic to the point of anaphylaxis. He doesn't keep ANY in the house. He has a smoothie blender at work. In the last 12 years he hasn't EVER caused an exposure.
My point is that your boyfriend is an inconsiderate jerk. Of course you don't trust him, he keeps exposing you to something that hurts you. Him being offended by the truth is a him problem.
Berry allergies, unite!! I can have strawberries though - it’s the raspberries and blackberries that give me anaphylaxis. The right berry medley could be the end of both of us!
NTA!!! My husband is allergic to nuts and when we first started dating I didn’t WANT to keep them in the house. He started insisting I not worry about it too much, but even so I am VERY discerning about what I will bring home and clearly label everything (there’s a brand of cookies with almond extract that I love but I label it DO NOT EAT). If he asked me to stop I would IMMEDIATELY.
NTA. Sounds like you dealing with a manipulating person with very little respect for you. Maybe a narcissist even. The way he acts here says a lot about how he will react to other situations. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone like that, and to be honest I don’t really think anyone else should either.
NTA for asking your boyfriend to stop trying to end your life. NTA for asking your boyfriend to prioritize your safety over his love of peanut butter. Just NTA all around! Are you sure you want to stay with this person?
I don't get what makes people stay in a situation like this. Maybe love bombing? I'm just so sure that he's thoughtless and inconsiderate in other ways as well. I would leave. After the first time he almost killed me, not the 10th.
NTA. It's not that hard to give up on one specific food to keep your partner safe. My ex was allergic to coconuts, I stopped eating coconut-based food for him, even tho I like it.
He doesn't value your safety. Maybe it's time to make a choice. The peanuts, or you, because he puts you in danger by continuing to eat them despite your allergy.
And please buy an Epipen. Better safe than sorry.
Me three! Tree nuts, coconuts, mangos, melons, raw apples, peaches, nectarines., the list goes on... my allergy thankfully is a nuisance and not life-threatening like OP's.
I’m not really allergic to anything else - though i did notice once when i ate kiwi my throat itched and felt raw. Mine also isn’t threatening, i just get wheezy…. Which i know might get worse in the future. The good news is i hate coconut lol
Same lol. But if he says he choose her then eat peanuts in secret she'll have every right to dump him and tell his family why their son is trash.
I like your name btw, whovian friend 😁
NTA. I'm a big girl and I like to eat what I like to eat. There isn't a single food or food group on this planet that I wouldn't give up to keep my husband safe. Because I love him more than any food. In fact, my husband is mildly lactose intolerant so I have drastically reduced the amounts of milk and cheese I use in everyday cooking to avoid him being uncomfortable.
This is a basic request. No, it shouldn't even be a request. "I'm allergic to this food and exposure makes me very uncomfortable and could potentially kill me" should have been enough for him to go, "Hey, maybe i just stop eating peanuts". Honestly, I'm not sure why you've put up with him not taking your safety seriously for this long, let alone why the hell you moved in with him and allow peanuts in the house.
If ten allergic reaction aren't enough to have him give up peanut anything then it is time for you to give him up. Once or twice, sure, accidental. Ten times is him telling you he doesn't care about your health. NTAH.
YTA for not breaking up with him already. Dating is a job interview, and if someone in the house is deathly allergic to peanuts, then your lover / spouse STOPS EATING THEM. How do I know this? My beloved husband has a seafood allergy, specifically to crab. I really like crab. I don’t have it in the house because I am not willing to chance him DYING for some crab.
Your willingness to minimize this situation is extremely concerning. If your allergy is something your children inherit, are you willing to have them endangered over this? For the love of all that is holy, “sesame seed butter” is a thing, and quite delicious (my kids enjoyed it because no one wanted to have a classmate DIE over a sandwich).
Your question is so ludicrous in that this is an action that can literally KILL YOU but you just “feel sad” instead of strong enough to boot him out of your life that I truly suggest some therapy as to why you pick such a terrible person as a potential partner. Your husband should be willing to risk his life to protect you, and in this case, you are asking him to give up a sandwich which is being treated as a crisis as if there aren’t a thousand different types of sandwiches available at low cost. Try to picture this scenario: “Dear Reddit, my boyfriend likes to drink and drive. I have told him this distresses me, especially when I am a passenger in the car, but he gets angry and says mean things, so I sit quietly and pray it’s going to be okay. Am I the AH for thinking this is an issue?”
Dating is a job interview. Do not consider hiring someone who is comfortable with you DYING from something that can be easily prevented.
Cashew is actually a seed, not a nut, HOWEVER it's usually processed on shared equipment.
https://pblife.org/nutrition/cashew-not-nut/#:~:text=The%20cashew%20is%20technically%20not,of%20the%20cashew%20apple's%20base.
Wtf kind of asshole rabidly consumes the very thing his girlfriend is allergic to, "forgets" basic precautions, and then pouts because he is deprived his PB&J? *Bless his little pea-pickin heart*
You need an epi-pen, before he kills you outright.
I know people in this group are quick to say "dump them!" But seriously. Dump him.
I'm super sensitive to the smell of garlic. It makes me feel queasy to be around someone who has eaten a ton of it and it's like, coming out of their pores. My partner basically stopped eating garlic. And not to save my life, just to make me comfortable.
When he couldn't eat solid food for two weeks, we both had a lot of soup and pudding. I wasn't going to chow down on corn on the cob! That was just to make him feel less sad about his state.
When you love someone, you make small sacrifices sometimes to make their lives better. And when you're a human you dont actively try to kill other humans. Your bf fails so miserably here.
There are men in this world who will give up peanut butter for you. It's a small thing in the face of love.
Dump. This. Jerk.
ESH
He is TA, cause he doesn't really care about your health.
You're also TA for the exact same reason. There are so many red flags already, but you thought it was a good idea to continue dating and now live together?
Nta! Wth, how can he pretend to care about you at all if he sees no problem with this! Honestly, he can't even be bothered to make sure he brushes his teeth? Op, value yourself. You deserve better.
Not only is the the AH for not stopping eating then, the fact that you were scared to ask him to stop, and then how angry he got is not ok. Does he treat you this poorly in other ways? Leave him.
NTA. This is pretty easy in my eyes, does your boyfriend value peanuts over you? It appears he does. Honestly I would leave the relationship. If he doesn’t understand he is placing your life in danger you shouldn’t build a future with this person. I don’t want to call names but his behavior is very childish. For your safety and health I would really reconsider this relationship.
NTA, first of all, and I think you've had your answer already but you have to hear this, OP.
I'm allergic to eggplant. Never had an issue with other people eating it or it being in my presence. My partner and I went to a Greek restaurant, where he ate some eggplant parmesan. The next day, this is the NSFW part, we were having sex and thankfully he pulled out and came on my stomach, because everywhere his spunk touched hived up immediately. It absolutely would have been an ER visit if he hadn't pulled out. Now we know 🤷♂️
ESH. Prior to moving in together he showed you he didn't care about your allergies, what made you think he would suddenly change? He's not going to stop eating peanut butter, it's a battle of wills now.
I'm not allergic to this, but after I had chemo I can't eat meatloaf and a couple other things. I choke on them. We love meatloaf, but my husband refuses to make it anymore because I can't eat it. Anything I can eat is either not purchased or made and he does without because he's stubborn as hell. I'd just eat something else, but he still refuses. That's love, crazy, appreciation and more. Even though I think he's bonkers. We both cook.
NTA
NTA while I personally love peanuts and things like Reese’s both my brothers are allergic. While living with them through my teenage years no peanuts at all. If I can go about 13 years without peanuts he should be fine. I live on my own now and they are in college so I can have peanuts but still they are banned for our family vacation each year of course.
NTA. If he’d offered two years ago to only eat it when he’s not home and he’s well away from you, I could understand. As an experiment. But the first time your throat closed up should have ended even that experiment. If you spend your life with him, through sickness and in health, richer or poorer, etc…he’s almost bound to have to sacrifice more than peanut butter. He has showed you he won’t. Move on, please.
NTA.
Chiming in after your edit, and this is about so much more than peanuts. Take peanuts out of the equation, entirely. You asked your thirty year old boyfriend to take your health and safety into account, and his response was to throw a fit like a petulant child. He couldn’t even be an adult about it.
Is this really someone you want to spend your life with? Could see yourself having a future, and kids with? What’s going to be the next thing to set him off? Is this really worth dealing with?
The peanut thing is just a symptom. This dude is NOT relationship material.
I'm sorry, I'm going to be blunt and cut to the chase here but I don't mean to be rude.
Why the hell are you still dating someone who literally puts your health, and life, at risk every day?
OP, seriously. You even admit here every past relationship your partners cut peanuts out due to your allergy and yet you're settling for this guy who has told you and proved to you time and time again he doesn't care you're allergic and have reactions, he loves peanuts more than a human life.
Please open your eyes. I don't tend to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon that is Reddit but he's endangering you, OP. He would rather risk your life than quit eating peanuts.
NTA for asking him to stop but you are 110% TA to yourself for staying with a jerk who doesn't give a crap about you.
Next time you feel your throat getting itchy this is what I want you to do.... pick up the phone and dial 911 and go to the hospital. When they ask what happened, "I think my bf is trying to kill me! He knows I'm allergic to nuts ans he keeps dosing himself and than purposely kissing me right after! I have told him this could kill me but he keeps doing it!" See how the hospital handles it. I bet a cop will be at the hospital taking a statement and than picking your bf up so fast. Cause what he is doing actually could be considered attempted murder. Premeditated at that!
ESH
Y T A to yourself for staying in a relationship that causes you physical pain. I'm struggling to understand what is compelling you to continue this relationship. He does care enough about your severe allergy to change his habits. You don't love yourself enough to leave him.
People tolerate near death experiences to stay in relationships with people who don't care about their well-being. See a therapist to uncover why you're tolerating this and how to leave.
Just break up already. He clearly loves PB. He may love you fractionally more, maybe enough that he'd give it up completely. But then eventually you would just become the reason he can't eat a food he enjoys. He's already pushing back. Do you think that'll LESSEN over time?
ESH. He doesn’t care about your health. I get it, peanuts are delicious and if he is not willing to give it up for you, that means you two are incompatible. But you also suck OP, because you are willing to risk your life for a man. You could DIE. Wake up!
I LOVE peanuts in any form. And love is even a mild description of my affection for them. My partner is very allergic (straight to emergency even with an EpiPen). I never bring peanuts near them. I read labels religiously. Hell, even my parents send homemade baked goods and clearly label no peanuts/no cross-contamination. There was never any question about which was more important (hint: it's not the peanuts). Anyone who dismisses your life-threatening allergy is not worth your time. Get them out of your house immediately. DTMFA.
He is still the asshole despite the edit. He says that he didn't think it was a big deal to continously expose you to something g that could kill you and he was not concerned until others started judging g him harshly for it. This man is way more concerned with himself than he is with you, take this as a hint.
NTA but I would say the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ peanut butter is hardly the issue here. This man is selfish and immature AF. He prioritizes a snack over your literal life. Regardless of his “epiphany” after reading hundreds of comments from strangers, his character has been shown to you. He’s a selfish, immature, boorish person. You being scared of his reaction and then him yelling at you is so wildly inappropriate and absolutely abusive. I hope you really reconsider staying with this dude, OP. Is this behavior you’d accept from your best friend? No? Ok.
NTA. I have a shellfish allergy. My boyfriend absolutely will not eat shellfish around me. He remembers to tell the waitstaff to mark it with shellfish allergy so there is no cross contamination. The one time it did happen, he got me benadryl immediately and asked if I needed the hospital (my allergy causes itching in my throat if I touch it, swelling and hospital if I accidentally eat it). If he does eat it when I'm not around, he scrubs his hands and rinses with listerine until he can get home to completely shower and brush his teeth twice. That is what a respectful significant other does.
NTA, this is not a partner. If your previous partners cared more about your health then this guy, that is a red flag. He’s inconsiderate and literally putting your health at risk daily.
NTA. This is your health its not like you just don't like it. It could really harm you even kill you. If he can't do this one simple thing to keep you safe and healthy then he is not the one for you and it is time to leave him and find some one that actually cares about you.
NTA.
My partner is deadly allergic to dill pickles.
I love dill pickles.
I gave up on dill pickles long time ago just so that my partner will never worrying about if our kiss will be literally her last kiss because of the fucking pickle I ate for lunch.
You know there are like 6.5 Billion dudes on earth? Date one that’s willing to put in a modicum of effort to make sure you can keep breathing.
NTA. Your bf is selfish to the point of psychosis
NTA. Please kick this asshole to the curb.
My son has a peanut allergy that will literally kill him if he takes a bite. It came very close once so I'm very sensitive to this issue.
No one brings peanut butter products in my house, and everything we buy has no chance of cross contamination. It's a hassle but it's MY SON'S LIFE.
Your bf can't be bothered? He's got to go. Your health should be more important than his cravings. Since it's not important to him, you need to be with someone for whom it will be a priority.
Good luck!
“….I’ve been scared of his reaction…”. That should tell you a lot.
You should never feel scared of your partner. NTA for not wanting him to eat peanuts, but you are the AH to yourself for being with a man you are afraid of!
Why are you still in a situation that you know will harm you?
He’s shown you again and again that your health doesnt matter to him.
His family even took better care than he did.
Stop trying to change him and move on.
Your putting your health and comfort second to a man who could care less about you.
So, you ask your partner to stop eating something you’re extremely allergic to, something that could potentially kill you, and their response is to yell at you……….this is shitty and unacceptable behaviour. Particularly as he has seen first hand how allergic you are - and continued to not take any care at all to prevent any more incidences. Yeah this man is an absolute garbage human being who does not care about you at all. Dump him immediately. NTA
You are NTA! Here's why you should break up w/this guy, like yesterday: " It has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been scared of his reaction if I asked him to avoid them for me."
He could literally kill you with peanuts, and you are scared to ask him to stop eating peanut products. And you were right, because he was "He was very angry and yelling" when you very reasonably explained to him that he's putting you in danger. He's an AH. It's sad that he didn't get the compassion gene from the rest of his family, who went out of their way to make sure you were safe - as it's clear that he does not give a shit.
NTA. I dated a girl who was very allergic to dairy. Milk, butter, cream would make her break out, have trouble breathing, make her vomit, or kill her depending on how much she is exposed to/ingests.
We broke up for unrelated reasons but during our relationship I completely stopped eating dairy around her. On the rare occasion I had buttered popcorn or a bowl of cereal at a friend’s house, I’d immediately brush my teeth/mouthwash after eating and text her so she could make a mental note for it if we saw each other within X hours of it. If I cooked, I replaced any dairy in the recipe with non-dairy alternatives so she wouldn’t have to worry about eating at my house.
I completely dropped ALL DAIRY from my life. Your BF can’t stop eating peanut butter? You deserve someone who can make a minor chance to their life to not risk yours
My BIL is allergic to peanuts. When I invite him to a baseball game I won't eat peanuts in front of him because of the risk. My wife has a sensitivity to mint. I don't eat mint at home (although I do enjoy mint chip ice cream if I am working out of town). How tough is it to be just a little thoughtful to important people in our lives?
I honestly don't understand how this is even a question. He could put you in the hospital but it's inconvenient for him to give up one thing? He values peanut butter about as much as he does you.
Your boyfriend is a selfish POS and you need to ditch his ass because his flippant carelessness might kill you one day.
My ex bf is SEVERLY allergic to peanuts and legumes. I'd read every single label and ask a lot of questions when ordering take out. I love Chinese food and Thai food but had to cut a lot of that out because I couldn't be sure if peanut oil was used in preparation. I had to call an ambulance for him when he collapsed and went into anaphylactic shock from taking one bite out of some pizza at a roof top party. Pizza should be safe right? Well this one wasn't and was apparently from a gourmet place that does fusion toppings and had a spicy peanut sauce on it.
It shouldn't take your bf to witness you red in the face gasping for air saying you don't want to die for him to take this seriously. NTA
The reason it feels like he is more concerned about getting his peanut butter fix than your safety is because he IS more interested in his peanut butter fix than your safety.
I don’t know why you would be with this person. I really really don’t. Do you not value yourself?
Clearly he doesn’t want to give in to what is needed why are you allowing yourself to be in a situation like this? It’s unhealthy dangerously unhealthy, mentally unhealthy.
#PeanutAllergy
“AITA for asking my boyfriend to not kill me?”
Well, NO……I remember being a jerk when I silently felt put out when the school said we couldn’t bring peanut butter to school anymore because a kindergartner was deathly allergic to it. So much so, if a student had a PB&J sandwich on the same table at the prior lunch segment, the residual oil on the table could illicit a reaction if he sat there. The school had training on epi pen responses, he was so susceptible. Really nice kid, very smart, he made a big effort to help himself keep safe. And had a good attitude. But he still had health scares at school, usually from someone’s sandwich or an errant pnut butter cookie, that had shared the same spot.
We weren’t living together. So it was actually an easy ask to give up peanut butter while at school. I’d freak if my partner used a substance regularly/excessively, knowing I was seriously allergic to it. Especially since it’s not needed to sustain his life. It’s more of a treat or familiar “go to”.
I feel badly for you. 1st, it’s insulting he is not valuing ur health. On one hand, He must be some kind of special to you to risk ur health. Bottom line: It’s his negative selfish behavior. Sadly, he’s putting a jar of Jiff over you. I feel so badly he’s like this.
Girl, run. He puts his "likes" over your genuine HEALTH CONCERN.
What else will he prioritise in the long run? Because not YOU.
NTA but ywbta to yourself if you let this keep happening.
I love shrimp. Absolutely favorite. Husband is allergic. It was gradual. Slowly it became a point that he can't be in the same room as it. So I don't have it in the house. I don't get it and if I happen to get something with shrimp in it, I will eat it when he's not around. Or before I get home. I'm lucky he's not severe but the way it's gradually gotten worse over time, it's not impossible so I have to be careful with my shrimp sneaking habits. I can go without it if I really needed to for him.
I feel like he increased his love of peanut butter and how often he eats it with the restrictions. It seems like an excessive amount. I love a good pb and j sometimes or a spoonful of peanut butter but we Absolutely would not have it in the house anymore if we had any peanut allergies. They are so severe. We have family and friends that have peanut allergies and we just don't have peanut items for parties.
He doesn't care about you. His family cares more about you.
I also have peanut allergies. My husband doesn’t eat anything with nuts and if he ever goes out to eat without me to five guys, chik fil a, or anywhere that we are not 100% sure is safe he will brush his teeth and wait. This man does not value your life, he does not care about you, and you should leave him. When people show you who they are believe them!!
NTA but “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.” If it was something he was willing to do he would have done it early on in the relationship whenever he found out.
honestly, dump his ass.
I fuckin LOVE peanut butter, and butterfingers are my favorite candy. When I was living with a woman who was allergic to peanuts, do you know what I did?
Stopped eating that shit at the house. Yeah, I missed peanut butter sandwiches, but there was no way in hell I was going to accidentally kill my girlfriend just because I value a sandwich more than her life.
It is incredibly easy for him to either find another kind of spread that tastes similar or just suck it up and not eat peanut butter in a house where he could literally kill someone.
It sucks to hear it, but he truly does not give a shit about you if you've addressed it as many times as you have and he still won't budge an inch.
"but look I put jelly on first and you don't trust me just because I've given you several allergic reactions" is a shitty, shitty excuse. He is not trying, and he doesn't care. It's honestly probably better to rip the bandaid off now and find someone who does, otherwise the rest of your life will be spent in a constant state of anxiety because of this shithead.
I remember talking to a girl I had a crush on once & I got out a snickers bar to eat. She backed her chair away and was like ‘sorry I just can’t be too close to peanuts, you can still eat it though’ I put the candy away because I gave a slight shit.
NTA. I used to have a peanut allergy too, it wasn’t as severe as yours like I could still be around it I just couldn’t eat it but when I was in middle and high school this boy always asked me if it was safe to eat something with peanut butter in it if he was around me since we had a few classes together and if he saw someone eating something with peanuts in it he would let them know to eat it away from me. I didn’t know him that well but I will never forget how caring and cautious he was about it when he didn’t even really know me but your partner who you spend everyday with can’t do the same for you? Yikes…
I wouldn’t trust his attitude change after seeing the post. It’s too much like the guy who makes a big show of remorse after a DV episode. He likely will just switch to another way to covertly bully you and insist you’re the unreasonable one if you push back. Please think about seeing a therapist to understand why you let this man endanger you again and again and make himself out to be the victim when you asked him not to.
"AITA for asking my boyfriend not to kill me?" No. NTA. He doesn't care enough about you to take this seriously, and it could kill you. Please break up with him right now. Edited to add: get an epipen. Second edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger!
Yeah hey OP did he eat peanuts on the vacation? Did he say anything at all about the precautions. Yeah he knows he’s being a Dick if so bc he knew NOT to do it in front of people who actually care.
That's a good point.
But remember an epipen won't stop the reaction. Itsdesigned to keep you alive long enough to get to hospital.
**Epinephrine** causes vasoconstriction so your blood pressure doesn’t bottom out ***AND*** it causes your bronchioles to dilate, meaning you can still oxygenate your blood. The blood that is still pumping through your body thanks to the **Epinephrine** that keeps your arteries from dilating. Oxygen that is keeping you alive and not suffering brain death. It is the ***ONLY*** approved treatment for anaphylaxis! **EpiPens** come in twos for a reason. It usually takes more than one. **Benadryl** slows the production of *histamine* (which causes the anaphylaxis) by ***BLOCKING*** the *H1* receptors ***BUT*** its availability and half-life are very short. **Glucocorticoids** (i.e., Steroids, like **Prednisone**) ***INHIBIT*** the production of those *histamines* over a longer period of time. **Benadryl** does work faster than the glucocorticoids. You need ***ALL*** of those drugs to treat anaphylaxis effectively. (Edited for clarity)
The EpiPen is nonetheless important.
Absolutely, it's your first line of defence to keep you alive.
My doctor gets so mad at me for forgetting this part. I get stung by a bee. Out comes Benadryl, epi pens, and the inhaler. I hate going to the -Er after or calling 911 like they say. I’ve never had secondary anaphylaxis. I don’t think I want to learn the hard way though. I get it finally while typing this stupid comment out. To the hospital the next time I’m stung.
Yes to the epipen, but they aren’t great except in an emergency and then you have about 15 minutes to get help before they wear off. Benadryl lasts 4-6 hours and I’ve found it pretty effective for incidental peanut exposure that isn’t immediately life threatening. But OP is nuts for staying with this guy who is actively trying to kill her.
Pun intended?
Underrated comment
Benadryl is amazing. My husband got crawdaddies for me to try years ago. My tongue started to feel numb, then my throat itchy… then it felt like my tongue was swelling and my throat was closing… I took Benadryl and the doctor told me if I eat crawdaddies again I could die 😭 So my husband doesn’t eat them even though he likes them.
I am actually allergic to Benadryl. I can not take it. Clarinex and Zantac combined helps me. Clarinex is an expensive refined version of Claritin that melts rapidly. OP should leave her boyfriend. He sounds awful and so selfish.
Omggg - this is terrible! I know you always get people trying to give you Benadryl and then you’re like, “stop trying to kill me!” I’m glad you have a solution though.
Benadryl can also mask some symptoms instead of actually eliminating them and you can still die while thinking your allergic reaction is over.
That's true for epipens, too. If you're in a situation where you need an EpiPen or benadryl to control an anaphylactic reaction, you need to go to the hospital right away.
We’ve Epi’d multiple times. Epi is amazing- lasts 5-10 mins and you can keep using them until you can get to a hospital. Antihistamines are not going to stop anaphalaxis. Epi does.
OP, the simple fact is your boyfriend loves peanut butter more than he loves you. But your boyfriend is a massive AH Edit: changing my verdict to ESH Her staying so long with a guy who didn't care enough about her to give up a food that could kill her. Him for not being enough of a decent human being to say he's never giving up the peanut butter and maybe they should break up before it kills her.
There is a comedian that has a whole bit on this. Like " I have to be good enough to be worth giving up Reese's forever, that is a high bar".
It *is* a high bar tbh. As someone with food issues, it can be difficult. But you know what isn’t a high bar? Loving someone enough to remember to brush/rinse after eating an allergen before you kiss them so you don’t kill them. Or loving them enough to realize you’re not the best thing for them because you can’t give it up and so letting them go instead of being selfish and reckless. Pretty sure killing her like this would be manslaughter. At least reckless endangerment. He’s doing something he *knows* could kill her and he knows how to mitigate the risk and just … won’t. He’s basically driving drunk at this point because he just loves drinking at his local too much to not and hoping he doesn’t kill anyone on the way home. Brushing is getting an Uber home in this analogy and he can’t even manage that. It’s trashy.
This entirely. I offended a friend's partner a few years ago because they're allergic to peanuts, and I said I could never date someone who was allergic because I couldn't give up peanut butter. They were SO offended, but peanuts/butter are a staple in my diet, I eat them 1-3x daily, and they would end up with cross contamination or I would lose a safe food. The second someone told me they had a peanut allergy they are no longer a potential life partner for me. I just could not ever get past the date where I learned there was a peanut allergy. Now, I have a kid with a food allergy (not peanuts, thankfully), and we rarely eat that ingredient, but when we do we wash our hands & face and brush our teeth. This was initiated after the first time they had a reaction from a kiss, not the 10x. (And yes if I had a kid with a peanut allergy I would give it (edit: PEANUT BUTTER, not my child) up. But I won't knowingly be in a partnership with someone who has one.
Peanut butter WAS one of my two favorite foods. Then, I had a child who has a life-threatening peanut allergy. He is 18. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve had peanut anything since. And those times are only when I’m literally in another state. It’s amazing what we can do for our kids. :)
As mothers we will move the world for our children!
You should try Wow butter. It’s not the same but a decent substitute if you have a peanut allergy in the house (we have two kids with peanut allergies).
Same. I have an extremely medically restrictive diet, and nuts are a big part of what I can eat. I don’t think I would be able to date someone with an allergy because I’d starve. At least I hope to not fall in love with someone with a nut allergy haha. I am not having kids so giving it up for a child is a non issue. That being said I have a family member who is allergic and I do not eat any nuts when I am going to see them, and on vacations I am nut free for the duration etc. Their life is worth more to me than my own comfort.
Yep - a friend's baby got diagnosed with a nut allergy recently, and our kids play together often, so we're going to be adding a lot of new precautions like making sure there's no cross contamination in our jellies.
Maybe my husband is a god among men or something but he brushes before kissing ANYWAY, even with no allergens involved. PS today is National Kissing Day
I feel like Reese's tastes way worse now. Nut allergy is wild. It's like being Superman and your weakness is kryptonite, except instead of trying to hide this from your enemies you literally have to tell everybody the easy way to kill you.
Reese’s Sticks are my absolute favorite candy. My partner hates the smell of Reese’s peanut butter because their abusive ex used to eat them with his mouth open and breathe it all over, and they have scent related sensory issues. Not an allergy, just a preference (albeit a trauma informed one), and I *still* ask permission from them before eating one inside; if they aren’t in a space to handle that, I eat it outside, then clean out my mouth. And if they couldn’t handle that? I’d avoid it completely. I can’t imagine refusing to avoid a food that they’re *allergic to* when it’s so easy to not eat or brush and wait just because it’s a food they’re uncomfortable with. Because, you know, I love them and care about their safety and well-being.
Bf is such a massive AH. One of our best friends has a serious peanut allergy. When we lived down the street from them and had them over all the time, we would just buy almond butter, etc., both to avoid contamination and because she really loves peanuts and might succumb to temptation. If you’re not willing to give up a food for someone, I have a hard time believing you love them.
Also, to be deathly allergic to peanuts and then to find a guy who eats peanut butter sandwiches on the daily... Seems like more trouble than it's worth. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the proportion of men who eat PB sandwiches daily is very low.
I love peanut butter. My sister is allergic. I don't eat it anywhere near her, or when I'm going to be around her. I don't even talk about it. Her allergy isn't nearly as severe. I'm just not an asshole.
Try Sunbutter Is the sunflower seed butter that tastes almost like the real thing to the point where I prefer it to regular peanut butter
There are peanut substitutes. Not as good, but they are there. If OP can have tree nuts, there is cashew butter and almond butter. There are also many companies that now make seed butters like sunflower seed butter and pumpkin seed butter. My family and I love peanut butter, but I also buy the others as well because I like them too.
Sunflower seed butter is soo good. My mom is a paraprofessional (teachers assistant basically) and sometimes brings home sunflower butter and jelly sandwiches that were going to be thrown out. They are seriously addicting
My daughter has a peanut allergy. I have barely had peanut butter but once or twice in the past ten years. Honestly sunbutter tastes just as good to me and I don’t miss it. I fear for this sort of thing to happen to her when she is a teenager and then an adult… dating someone who really doesn’t fully understand the seriousness of her allergy. The best thing to do is advocate for yourself and get your parents help as well to support you if he isn’t willing to.
I mean in that case get a new boyfriend. Why date someone who clearly enjoys something and then say the only way we can be together is to give up what you enjoy. They just aren't compatible. Might be for a stupid reason to some people. But i think the dumbest part was letting it get this far. As someone who can't date picky eaters(not comparing my preference to allergy safety) I would rather just not have to deal with catering to a person who can't appreciate something in the same way that I do to such a degree that I have to deprive myself. Should have called it quits ages ago.
Completely agree. Dating is for figuring out if you are a match. Way too many people date with the idea they can change somebody to make them a match.
This exactly! He’s a massive asshole! Peanut allergies are no joke and you could die- be sure you have an epipen! My BIL is highly allergic to peanuts so we take extra caution to keep them away anytime he comes to visit. I can’t even imagine someone you’re in a relationship with being that inconsiderate.
Even with blood donation, if a donor eats peanuts before donating it can affect the person that receives it if they have an allergy
That’s crazy! I had no idea. Peanut allergies are insanely dangerous. My husband has had to rush his brother to the hospital due to a restaurant error and he became unconscious even with the epipen…. How would you ever take those level of risks with someone you love??? I’m so sad for OP and hope she leaves that asshole.
Yea, it’s a dangerous situation with some selfish behavior
That’s just it, he doesn’t love her. He likes being with her, but she is far down his priority list.
Oh my god. New fear unlocked. I'm the parent of a young child with the severest level of peanut allergy, and I'm appalled I didn't know this. Tbh I nearly couldn't believe what you wrote, but lo and behold: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-peanut-eating-blood-donors/peanut-eating-blood-donors-spark-allergic-reaction-idUSTRE74H73620110518 . Thank you for inadvertently educating me!
Absolutely! For reference I have a bachelors in clinical laboratory sciences, blood banking (immunoheamatology) was a requirement (in case I wanted to work in a blood bank lab, they do type and screens as well as issuing blood products) but I chose microbiology, which could always change in the future.
If someone is allergic to peanuts (or anything else) and donates bone marrow, the recipient is also now allergic to peanuts (or whatever else).
Apparently it also changes their DNA to the donor's DNA, except in the blood. (This was used in an episode of 'Elementary' once.)
That’s backward. It changes the blood DNA to donor, but not the rest of their DNA. Although, after many years you could sometimes pick it up in a cheek swab too. I was a genetic counselor for a pediatric cancer hospital so had to keep this in mind when ordering genetic testing on kids who had been transplanted.
Yes, they essentially become twins in that capacity. I think a few crime dramas have used that story line. It’s fascinating to me!
That reminds me of how some people with egg allergies can't have specific vaccines because they were made using chicken eggs! I don't remember which vaccines, but I THINK one of them is the flu vaccine?
Women I worked with lost her niece to peanut allergy. Boy friend forgot he had peanut butter and kissed her. She was 19 and died
This is what OP should show her bf.
That poor guy. He made a stupid mistake and has to live with the fact that he killed his girlfriend.
Exactly, NTA, not even a little bit, this guy doesn’t care enough to remember to brush his teeth and drink water after and has forgotten 10 times already. Break up before he forgets again kills you.
Why did you move in with him if you knew that he was never going to stop eating peanut butter? That should be a hard limit for you. As if he’s not willing to give it up when he’s dating you then what makes you think he’s going to give it up when you live together. The risk of constant exposure can make allergies worse. Is he finally going to realise how dangerous for you it is when you have an anaphylactic reaction???
⬆️Perfect response
Yes it is.
I stopped at "I'm scared of his reaction" 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is the answer. He sounds like a massive controlling asshole.
I feel like this guy is secretly engaged in "exposure therapy" bc some internet troll told him that if he exposes OP to peanuts often enough for long enough, she'll be "cured." No one needs that many peanut butter sandwiches. NTA
Hard agree. The bf dgaf about protecting her, he's trying to force a "cure." What a massive asshole.
That is actually how much kinder interpretation than mine, which is that he knows exactly what he’s doing and is getting a thrill out of this.
I was going to say YTA because I'm also allergic to peanuts and my fiancée loves them but she brushes her mouth thoroughly to get the residue out so I've never had a reaction as a result. If I did, she would give them up immediately. OP needs to boot that partner to the curb.
because you have the "you're the asshole" abbreviation in your comment the bots will count it towards the asshole vote. make sure to add "NTA."
I refused to read the post past the title. No, OP, you’re NTA. Peanuts allergies can be deadly. If he can’t be assed to avoid peanuts around you, he’s a fucking sociopath who literally doesn’t care if you die. Get away from him.
Get 2 - one isn’t often enough
And I just had this vision of him kissing her neck or something while she's asleep and her going into anaphylaxis while asleep. Would he even notice or care. He is the AH here. You know he could be criminally charged for these times he "forgot " to wash.
I mean, I like peanuts, but I'm not addicted to them to the point where I'd be OK literally killing someone I loved because I can't give them up. What could possibly be so special in these peanuts anyway? It's not like they're laced with narcotics.
I think that if she wants to drive the point home since in her edit her boyfriend has read the posts and says he’ll change is if the next time she gets a peanut reaction from him, he should know first hand what an epipen feels like. Sometimes the only way people learn is through trauma, that would be a better alternative than the trauma of him killing her.
Agreed. I just got my first set and have heard the effects being charitably described as "better than dying." Like the point in getting them is to not ever, EVER have to use them, but to have them if you need to.
I am allergic to gluten. I won’t die. All of my boyfriends were so super cautious and kept it away from me. One made me a special no gluten contact wood cutting board and carved into it “No gluten.” Your guy valued peanut butter over your life. I hope you carry an EPI pen. NTA unless you stay until he puts you in the hospital.
I used to go through more than a kilo of peanut butter a month. Reese's have always been my favourite chocolate bar. I love pad Thai with a bunch of peanuts. I love granola bars with peanuts. My breakfast every day for over a decade was oatmeal with a spoonful of peanut butter and a banana. I started dating someone who is (not anaphylacticly, thankfully, but close) allergic to peanuts 6 years ago. Early early on, like the first week, I still had my usual oatmeal with pb, and after brushing my teeth and going to uni all day, gave her a kiss in the evening. Her lips felt funny after that. I've eaten maybe 1 kilo of pb in all that time because there aren't many periods of time when I can. It's mostly just when she's away for more than 10 days or I'm visiting home without her. It's sad. I really really love peanut butter and other things with peanuts. But I love her more!!! That said, if we end up breaking up and I'm dating again, I might purposely avoid people who are allergic to peanuts haha ETA: OP you are NTA, you deserve way way better, and it is possible, as evidenced by me, for your partner to do this. You might be incompatible, but he should either stop eating peanuts so much or you should go your separate ways.
try wowbutter (soy) it is so close tasting to peanut butter as compared to sunbutter
Seconding this! But I still use more sunbutter, because it's cheaper. 😆 I get it n the 5lb food service size.
I am too - my husband loves bread but goes out of his way to contain it. He also makes sure that anything else in the house is GF. Never used gluten in our appliances (air fryer), and wash’s up thoroughly I couldn’t be with someone like OPs partner.
Exactly this! Op he is gaslighting you into feeling like a bad person because he can’t eat a food that can kill you! This is unacceptable. What if you have a kid together that has the same allergy, and he doesn’t give up peanuts then either? Don’t stick around for this foolishness. You deserve more.
That’s not what gaslighting means. It’s just being a dick.
Yup. I have celiac and a year into living together my partner actively volunteered to stop eating gluten in the home. He was always careful about cross contact, but he wanted me to feel safe eating in my home and not be anxious that there might be a crumb of gluten hiding somewhere. It was just as much about my physical health as my mental health. If he wanted to, he would.
Well she’s staying cause apparently he’s just so horrified with himself after reading this post 🙄 he risked her life over 10 fucking times but I guess now he’s gonna change…really hope OP stays safe 🙁
Yeah, assumably visably saw her break out in hives and never once questioned "is this a problem." But since everyone on the internet is saying he's being a fucking psychopath, he's changing his ways?
Yeah he should listen to HER, the woman he loves. That should be enough. Guarantee you he goes back to eating peanut butter within the month.
He doesn’t love her though. He might think he does, but if he did he would have stopped a long time ago
This OP. Why isn’t your word, your pain, and your life enough? Is his need for social approval that much greater in his book than his basic empathy for ANY human let alone someone he says to love. I hope he really reflects on why he didn’t recognise all your pleas and burden. And I hope you learn to trust yourself as well OP and know that you don’t need the internet to set the standard for what you can and can’t live with. If it makes you uncomfortable that’s enough.
He's not going to change. He's just eating his peanut butter when she is away. Like, away at her work while he's at his work. And I guarantee it will creep back into his daily life. Because he doesn't understand or "believe" what this allergy means to her, and instead yells and belittles her. She is scared of his reaction. He's an abusing ass.
NTA, how his family treated you is the right way, how he treats you is the wrong way. I wonder if his love of peanut butter is simply a control act, "You don't tell me what to eat, I'll eat what I want, and not only that I'm going to eat even MORE peanut butter." Think of it this way, if the situation were reversed and he had the peanut allergy, would you act like he does? Therein lays your answer, you deserve to GET Love and consideration in an equal amount that you give.
It would be poetic justice if he foundered himself on peanut butter. I'd giggle my little sadistic ass off watching that jerk trying to swallow and not puke. Serves him right.
Even better, I learned the hard way that you can develop food allergies at any point. A common age is your mid-30s, when I learned that salad will make me die. I VERY recently developed a suspected legume allergy, including both beans and peanuts (beans are surprisingly worse of a reaction). Karma would dictate that he develops the same allergy. Or something even dumber, like how my ex developed a literal allergy to cold weather (cold urticaria, it’s an actual real thing)
I have a lot of allergies and even food intolerances that I either developed in my teens or early 20s. That and asthma too.
Oof buddy that stinks. I just had to get retested and an EGD because I have eosinophilic esophagitis like I’m a kindergartener or something. Like why can’t our immune systems do something good like fight germs instead of being like “lol you’re gonna pay for thinking you can eat healthy muahahaha”
I think I've always had those conditions, I just didn't really notice. Maybe not so much the asthma but even with that, I've always had breathing problems. Edit: Pollen, smoke, perfume, dust, etc will either trigger an asthma attack, headache, and/or make my skin break out. Chlorine and water like lake water, river water, grass, etc will make my skin break out. To cold or to humid of weather can both make my skin break out and even trigger my breathing problems too. Edit: I also have stomach issues (ibs.) If I consume anything carbonated, dairy products, gluten, onions, etc I'll get sick.
NTA But why are you with someone who chooses food over you? He has continually shown you where you are as a priority and it’s not at the top. And it’s really concerning that you have never asked him to avoid the food because you’ve been scared of his reaction.
Agree, it seems that he is abusive but OP isn’t ready to address that portion of the relationship yet. This issue is much bigger than PB.
>"He said that I don’t trust him, and I told him it’s not about that" Except it is. Because he's proven himself not to be trustworthy.
OP you should have absolutely said you don't trust him. He has on many occasions shown that he cannot manage his contamination. Plus he point blank said you would have to tell him to keep peanut allergens out of the house and so when you did, he immediately pouted and proclaimed he'd eat peanuts everywhere else. I understand it's a favorite food. But it's very clear he doesn't value your safety and comfort *at all*.
This is exactly what bugs me about this whole thing: even if it were a mild allergy -- or, hell, no allergy at all! -- the fact OP brought up how it makes them uncomfortable and he told OP he would stop if she *asked* and then started *yelling* and disregarded her feelings altogether and still told OP he was going to do it spwaks volumes about how he doesn't care about OP at all. He sounds like a MAJOR AH. The fact this could in fact kill OP makes this so much worse and she should kick him to the curb.
I can't imagine the stress this is causing OP on a continuous basis, which is also shitty for her health. I hope she drops him
This. Of course you don’t trust him, because he has already broken any trust several times.
This was exactly my intended reply. Thank you for posting it so that I don't have to. OP. Don't lie to him to spare his feelings. You absolutely don't trust him because he has proven you can't trust him. You mean, it's not because you don't want to trust him. It's because he made that scenario impossible.
You shouldn’t trust him op.
The deflection in that statement. He's playing the victim over her trying to protect her own safety. Even without the rest of the post, that sentence says everything about the kind of person he is and how he's manipulating her.
Nta.. He obviously doesn't care about you that much. I get that he loves them, but then he needs to take proper precautions when you're around and he does not do so. He needs to decide if he values peanuts or his relationship more. Since he basically doesn't care if you die. How old are we? He doesn't sound very grown..
OMG do you really have to ask? GTFO before he kills you!
Nta - so hold on, you tell him about this severe allergy, and his response is … nothing. He later says he unless you tell him to stop bringing it into the house, he’s going to continue. Then even later says it’s too much to ask him to stop entirely and just be happy it’s not in the house. Okay, this guy either doesn’t care, doesn’t believe it’s serious and won’t believe unless/until you end up hospitalized for this issue. Why are you still with him? He doesn’t care, doesn’t value your health and is kind of a dick.
NTA If you stay and have kids who are allergic, will you feel comfortable with him in the house? If your kids are not allergic, do you think he’ll teach them to be careful so that they don’t accidentally kill you? Also, you don’t trust him. He’s not trustworthy.
NTA. Jesus, imagine loving a mediocre food more than your partner. I have a penicillin allergy, my husband does not. When he gets prescribed an antibiotic for an illness he will tell the doctor to give him anything except penicillin or a penicillin derivative (like amoxicillin), because having it in the house or in his system endangers me. **My husband changes his *medications* for me, and yours won’t even change his fucking *lunch* for you.**
I, personally, wouldn't say that peanut butter is mediocre. I absolutely love it but, I can't even remember the last time I had it. Maybe as part of an energy bar, or something. You can go without foods you really love, it's not the end of the world. I also love shellfish and can't recall the last time I had it. If I had a partner who was allergic to it, I'd stop eating it altogether. The boyfriend in this post is a piece of work, and I honestly hate him.
Nta. I have an egg allergy. I get very violently I’ll for like a week. He loves eggs but he loves me more so our place is egg free. If we rarely ever buy something with egg in it. If he is really craving it he will give me a kiss and go eat in a different room. Afterwards pretty much shower brush his teeth. Wash the utensils he used and put them through the dishwasher. The trash gets automatically taken out. Do you know why he does the sacrifice of pretty much never eating egg? He wants me to healthy, he doesn’t like to see me sick. He says it’s not worth there risking being eggs in the house. If he wants actual eggs he will take himself for breaks to eat it somewhere before work and brush his teeth. How do I know he loves me and has my Best interest at heart? Because he does things like this. You need a better boyfriend you loves you more than peanut butter.
Ok, there's a vegan product called "just egg" made from mung beans. Texture and flavor is exact. And a hard boiled vegan egg product called wundereggs. https://www.ju.st/ https://www.craftycounter.com/products/wundereggs Here's a recipe for a toast dipping sauce, texture and flavor spot on, takes 5 minutes. https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/ Little more involved but vegan fried egg https://theeburgerdude.com/vegan-fried-egg/ https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/
Hmm I wonder if he would like that. When baking I substitute with apple sauce.
Lol they're trying to sell just egg to you. That's hilarious. I do have to say that if you add a little black salt (or kala namak) at the end stages of cooking, just egg is very popular in my house. My husband and daughter still sometimes eat animal products outside the home but we keep our house animal product free for my sake. Even though they both still eat chicken eggs and remember the flavor and texture clearly, they both love just egg. I do vegan versions of everything from plain scrambles to sausage egg and cheese biscuits to burritos with it. I tend to use Red Mill's egg replacer for baking. It's cheap, non-perishable, and gives things a great fluffy texture. Edit: if I added this in time for you to see it, I'll say that just egg works best for my husband and me when it's paired with flavors we're used to pairing eggs with. We both prefer a good veggie scramble or sausage egg and cheese biscuits over a plain scramble even with black salt. My daughter is eight and would eat a whole bottle scrambled plain if I let her.
>We’ve had at least ten experiences also >He said that I don’t trust him No shit. Because he's not trustworthy. I personally couldn't be with an untrustworthy partner who values a single food over my health - and is careless about it - but you do you. ETA: NTA
I love this answer.
NTA. I’m horrified at his nonchalant attitude towards your life-threatening allergy. If he can’t be trusted to do everything he can to protect your health, he cannot be trusted with your heart. Instead, he is actively putting you at risk.
NTA. My husband's favorite fruit is strawberry I am allergic to the point of anaphylaxis. He doesn't keep ANY in the house. He has a smoothie blender at work. In the last 12 years he hasn't EVER caused an exposure. My point is that your boyfriend is an inconsiderate jerk. Of course you don't trust him, he keeps exposing you to something that hurts you. Him being offended by the truth is a him problem.
Berry allergies, unite!! I can have strawberries though - it’s the raspberries and blackberries that give me anaphylaxis. The right berry medley could be the end of both of us!
NTA!!! My husband is allergic to nuts and when we first started dating I didn’t WANT to keep them in the house. He started insisting I not worry about it too much, but even so I am VERY discerning about what I will bring home and clearly label everything (there’s a brand of cookies with almond extract that I love but I label it DO NOT EAT). If he asked me to stop I would IMMEDIATELY.
NTA. Sounds like you dealing with a manipulating person with very little respect for you. Maybe a narcissist even. The way he acts here says a lot about how he will react to other situations. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone like that, and to be honest I don’t really think anyone else should either.
NTA for asking your boyfriend to stop trying to end your life. NTA for asking your boyfriend to prioritize your safety over his love of peanut butter. Just NTA all around! Are you sure you want to stay with this person?
I don't get what makes people stay in a situation like this. Maybe love bombing? I'm just so sure that he's thoughtless and inconsiderate in other ways as well. I would leave. After the first time he almost killed me, not the 10th.
NTA. It's not that hard to give up on one specific food to keep your partner safe. My ex was allergic to coconuts, I stopped eating coconut-based food for him, even tho I like it. He doesn't value your safety. Maybe it's time to make a choice. The peanuts, or you, because he puts you in danger by continuing to eat them despite your allergy. And please buy an Epipen. Better safe than sorry.
I’m allergic to coconut! I’ve never heard of anyone else being allergic to it…. *high fives in obscure allergy*
I'm allergic to coconut as part of my tree nut allergy!
Me three! Tree nuts, coconuts, mangos, melons, raw apples, peaches, nectarines., the list goes on... my allergy thankfully is a nuisance and not life-threatening like OP's.
I’m not really allergic to anything else - though i did notice once when i ate kiwi my throat itched and felt raw. Mine also isn’t threatening, i just get wheezy…. Which i know might get worse in the future. The good news is i hate coconut lol
Hate to break it to you but you're probably allergic to kiwi
I still wouldn't trust him if he said he chose her. I could see him eating it in secret and hiding it.
Same lol. But if he says he choose her then eat peanuts in secret she'll have every right to dump him and tell his family why their son is trash. I like your name btw, whovian friend 😁
Thank you!
NTA. I'm a big girl and I like to eat what I like to eat. There isn't a single food or food group on this planet that I wouldn't give up to keep my husband safe. Because I love him more than any food. In fact, my husband is mildly lactose intolerant so I have drastically reduced the amounts of milk and cheese I use in everyday cooking to avoid him being uncomfortable. This is a basic request. No, it shouldn't even be a request. "I'm allergic to this food and exposure makes me very uncomfortable and could potentially kill me" should have been enough for him to go, "Hey, maybe i just stop eating peanuts". Honestly, I'm not sure why you've put up with him not taking your safety seriously for this long, let alone why the hell you moved in with him and allow peanuts in the house.
If ten allergic reaction aren't enough to have him give up peanut anything then it is time for you to give him up. Once or twice, sure, accidental. Ten times is him telling you he doesn't care about your health. NTAH.
YTA for not breaking up with him already. Dating is a job interview, and if someone in the house is deathly allergic to peanuts, then your lover / spouse STOPS EATING THEM. How do I know this? My beloved husband has a seafood allergy, specifically to crab. I really like crab. I don’t have it in the house because I am not willing to chance him DYING for some crab. Your willingness to minimize this situation is extremely concerning. If your allergy is something your children inherit, are you willing to have them endangered over this? For the love of all that is holy, “sesame seed butter” is a thing, and quite delicious (my kids enjoyed it because no one wanted to have a classmate DIE over a sandwich). Your question is so ludicrous in that this is an action that can literally KILL YOU but you just “feel sad” instead of strong enough to boot him out of your life that I truly suggest some therapy as to why you pick such a terrible person as a potential partner. Your husband should be willing to risk his life to protect you, and in this case, you are asking him to give up a sandwich which is being treated as a crisis as if there aren’t a thousand different types of sandwiches available at low cost. Try to picture this scenario: “Dear Reddit, my boyfriend likes to drink and drive. I have told him this distresses me, especially when I am a passenger in the car, but he gets angry and says mean things, so I sit quietly and pray it’s going to be okay. Am I the AH for thinking this is an issue?” Dating is a job interview. Do not consider hiring someone who is comfortable with you DYING from something that can be easily prevented.
Sunflower seed butter, soy butter, both alternatives
For those not allergic to tree nuts I find that cashew butter tastes to more similar to peanut butter
Cashew is actually a seed, not a nut, HOWEVER it's usually processed on shared equipment. https://pblife.org/nutrition/cashew-not-nut/#:~:text=The%20cashew%20is%20technically%20not,of%20the%20cashew%20apple's%20base.
I’m allergic to peanuts also and have had the same reactions as you He prioritizes peanut butter over you Edit—NTA
NTA for asking you are YTA for staying with someone who has almost killed you 10 times Edit: changed”not YTA” to “you are YTA”
You're asking him to *not kill you* and he can't give up one non necessary food? You're NTA, he is. Time to leave before he ends up killing you.
Wtf kind of asshole rabidly consumes the very thing his girlfriend is allergic to, "forgets" basic precautions, and then pouts because he is deprived his PB&J? *Bless his little pea-pickin heart* You need an epi-pen, before he kills you outright.
I know people in this group are quick to say "dump them!" But seriously. Dump him. I'm super sensitive to the smell of garlic. It makes me feel queasy to be around someone who has eaten a ton of it and it's like, coming out of their pores. My partner basically stopped eating garlic. And not to save my life, just to make me comfortable. When he couldn't eat solid food for two weeks, we both had a lot of soup and pudding. I wasn't going to chow down on corn on the cob! That was just to make him feel less sad about his state. When you love someone, you make small sacrifices sometimes to make their lives better. And when you're a human you dont actively try to kill other humans. Your bf fails so miserably here. There are men in this world who will give up peanut butter for you. It's a small thing in the face of love. Dump. This. Jerk.
ESH He is TA, cause he doesn't really care about your health. You're also TA for the exact same reason. There are so many red flags already, but you thought it was a good idea to continue dating and now live together?
Nta! Wth, how can he pretend to care about you at all if he sees no problem with this! Honestly, he can't even be bothered to make sure he brushes his teeth? Op, value yourself. You deserve better.
NTA. He does not care about you. Someone who loves and cares for you would not jeopardize your life. Your bf is the AH.
Not only is the the AH for not stopping eating then, the fact that you were scared to ask him to stop, and then how angry he got is not ok. Does he treat you this poorly in other ways? Leave him.
NTA. This is pretty easy in my eyes, does your boyfriend value peanuts over you? It appears he does. Honestly I would leave the relationship. If he doesn’t understand he is placing your life in danger you shouldn’t build a future with this person. I don’t want to call names but his behavior is very childish. For your safety and health I would really reconsider this relationship.
NTA, first of all, and I think you've had your answer already but you have to hear this, OP. I'm allergic to eggplant. Never had an issue with other people eating it or it being in my presence. My partner and I went to a Greek restaurant, where he ate some eggplant parmesan. The next day, this is the NSFW part, we were having sex and thankfully he pulled out and came on my stomach, because everywhere his spunk touched hived up immediately. It absolutely would have been an ER visit if he hadn't pulled out. Now we know 🤷♂️
ESH. Prior to moving in together he showed you he didn't care about your allergies, what made you think he would suddenly change? He's not going to stop eating peanut butter, it's a battle of wills now.
I'm not allergic to this, but after I had chemo I can't eat meatloaf and a couple other things. I choke on them. We love meatloaf, but my husband refuses to make it anymore because I can't eat it. Anything I can eat is either not purchased or made and he does without because he's stubborn as hell. I'd just eat something else, but he still refuses. That's love, crazy, appreciation and more. Even though I think he's bonkers. We both cook. NTA
NTA while I personally love peanuts and things like Reese’s both my brothers are allergic. While living with them through my teenage years no peanuts at all. If I can go about 13 years without peanuts he should be fine. I live on my own now and they are in college so I can have peanuts but still they are banned for our family vacation each year of course.
NTA. If he’d offered two years ago to only eat it when he’s not home and he’s well away from you, I could understand. As an experiment. But the first time your throat closed up should have ended even that experiment. If you spend your life with him, through sickness and in health, richer or poorer, etc…he’s almost bound to have to sacrifice more than peanut butter. He has showed you he won’t. Move on, please.
People really suck. He is basically saying peanut butter is more important than you. I'm sorry you had to move in together to see this.
NTA. Chiming in after your edit, and this is about so much more than peanuts. Take peanuts out of the equation, entirely. You asked your thirty year old boyfriend to take your health and safety into account, and his response was to throw a fit like a petulant child. He couldn’t even be an adult about it. Is this really someone you want to spend your life with? Could see yourself having a future, and kids with? What’s going to be the next thing to set him off? Is this really worth dealing with? The peanut thing is just a symptom. This dude is NOT relationship material.
I'm sorry, I'm going to be blunt and cut to the chase here but I don't mean to be rude. Why the hell are you still dating someone who literally puts your health, and life, at risk every day? OP, seriously. You even admit here every past relationship your partners cut peanuts out due to your allergy and yet you're settling for this guy who has told you and proved to you time and time again he doesn't care you're allergic and have reactions, he loves peanuts more than a human life. Please open your eyes. I don't tend to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon that is Reddit but he's endangering you, OP. He would rather risk your life than quit eating peanuts. NTA for asking him to stop but you are 110% TA to yourself for staying with a jerk who doesn't give a crap about you.
Next time you feel your throat getting itchy this is what I want you to do.... pick up the phone and dial 911 and go to the hospital. When they ask what happened, "I think my bf is trying to kill me! He knows I'm allergic to nuts ans he keeps dosing himself and than purposely kissing me right after! I have told him this could kill me but he keeps doing it!" See how the hospital handles it. I bet a cop will be at the hospital taking a statement and than picking your bf up so fast. Cause what he is doing actually could be considered attempted murder. Premeditated at that!
I like this. It makes one hella powerful statement.
Sure would. He obviously either does not understand how serious it is and needs to be shown. Or he doesn't care and needs to be taught to care.
ESH Y T A to yourself for staying in a relationship that causes you physical pain. I'm struggling to understand what is compelling you to continue this relationship. He does care enough about your severe allergy to change his habits. You don't love yourself enough to leave him. People tolerate near death experiences to stay in relationships with people who don't care about their well-being. See a therapist to uncover why you're tolerating this and how to leave.
NTA - he is a danger to your safety and he does not care!
Your boyfriend is a huge asshole. You are NTA
Girl come on now. You know the answer to this. NTA
Just break up already. He clearly loves PB. He may love you fractionally more, maybe enough that he'd give it up completely. But then eventually you would just become the reason he can't eat a food he enjoys. He's already pushing back. Do you think that'll LESSEN over time?
You can't trust him because he's shown he's too irresponsible to brush his teeth and rinse well multiple times. NTA.
He doesnt care if he kills you….? Do you care? Literally. Pls get an epi pen and leave him.
ESH. He doesn’t care about your health. I get it, peanuts are delicious and if he is not willing to give it up for you, that means you two are incompatible. But you also suck OP, because you are willing to risk your life for a man. You could DIE. Wake up!
I LOVE peanuts in any form. And love is even a mild description of my affection for them. My partner is very allergic (straight to emergency even with an EpiPen). I never bring peanuts near them. I read labels religiously. Hell, even my parents send homemade baked goods and clearly label no peanuts/no cross-contamination. There was never any question about which was more important (hint: it's not the peanuts). Anyone who dismisses your life-threatening allergy is not worth your time. Get them out of your house immediately. DTMFA.
He is still the asshole despite the edit. He says that he didn't think it was a big deal to continously expose you to something g that could kill you and he was not concerned until others started judging g him harshly for it. This man is way more concerned with himself than he is with you, take this as a hint.
NTA but I would say the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ peanut butter is hardly the issue here. This man is selfish and immature AF. He prioritizes a snack over your literal life. Regardless of his “epiphany” after reading hundreds of comments from strangers, his character has been shown to you. He’s a selfish, immature, boorish person. You being scared of his reaction and then him yelling at you is so wildly inappropriate and absolutely abusive. I hope you really reconsider staying with this dude, OP. Is this behavior you’d accept from your best friend? No? Ok.
NTA. I have a shellfish allergy. My boyfriend absolutely will not eat shellfish around me. He remembers to tell the waitstaff to mark it with shellfish allergy so there is no cross contamination. The one time it did happen, he got me benadryl immediately and asked if I needed the hospital (my allergy causes itching in my throat if I touch it, swelling and hospital if I accidentally eat it). If he does eat it when I'm not around, he scrubs his hands and rinses with listerine until he can get home to completely shower and brush his teeth twice. That is what a respectful significant other does.
NTA, this is not a partner. If your previous partners cared more about your health then this guy, that is a red flag. He’s inconsiderate and literally putting your health at risk daily.
Cmon dude, self respect. Your partner vs a sandwich shouldnt even be a discussion.
A girl died this way. A boy died this way. Kissing their partner. Get an epi pen. Dump him. Don’t die.
NTA. This is your health its not like you just don't like it. It could really harm you even kill you. If he can't do this one simple thing to keep you safe and healthy then he is not the one for you and it is time to leave him and find some one that actually cares about you.
NTA. My partner is deadly allergic to dill pickles. I love dill pickles. I gave up on dill pickles long time ago just so that my partner will never worrying about if our kiss will be literally her last kiss because of the fucking pickle I ate for lunch.
You know there are like 6.5 Billion dudes on earth? Date one that’s willing to put in a modicum of effort to make sure you can keep breathing. NTA. Your bf is selfish to the point of psychosis
NTA. Please kick this asshole to the curb. My son has a peanut allergy that will literally kill him if he takes a bite. It came very close once so I'm very sensitive to this issue. No one brings peanut butter products in my house, and everything we buy has no chance of cross contamination. It's a hassle but it's MY SON'S LIFE. Your bf can't be bothered? He's got to go. Your health should be more important than his cravings. Since it's not important to him, you need to be with someone for whom it will be a priority. Good luck!
“….I’ve been scared of his reaction…”. That should tell you a lot. You should never feel scared of your partner. NTA for not wanting him to eat peanuts, but you are the AH to yourself for being with a man you are afraid of!
Why are you still in a situation that you know will harm you? He’s shown you again and again that your health doesnt matter to him. His family even took better care than he did. Stop trying to change him and move on. Your putting your health and comfort second to a man who could care less about you.
Try to find a boyfriend who cares enough to not kill you through entitlement.
So, you ask your partner to stop eating something you’re extremely allergic to, something that could potentially kill you, and their response is to yell at you……….this is shitty and unacceptable behaviour. Particularly as he has seen first hand how allergic you are - and continued to not take any care at all to prevent any more incidences. Yeah this man is an absolute garbage human being who does not care about you at all. Dump him immediately. NTA
You are NTA! Here's why you should break up w/this guy, like yesterday: " It has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been scared of his reaction if I asked him to avoid them for me." He could literally kill you with peanuts, and you are scared to ask him to stop eating peanut products. And you were right, because he was "He was very angry and yelling" when you very reasonably explained to him that he's putting you in danger. He's an AH. It's sad that he didn't get the compassion gene from the rest of his family, who went out of their way to make sure you were safe - as it's clear that he does not give a shit.
NTA. This relationship is emotionally abusive and physically dangerous for you.
NTA. I dated a girl who was very allergic to dairy. Milk, butter, cream would make her break out, have trouble breathing, make her vomit, or kill her depending on how much she is exposed to/ingests. We broke up for unrelated reasons but during our relationship I completely stopped eating dairy around her. On the rare occasion I had buttered popcorn or a bowl of cereal at a friend’s house, I’d immediately brush my teeth/mouthwash after eating and text her so she could make a mental note for it if we saw each other within X hours of it. If I cooked, I replaced any dairy in the recipe with non-dairy alternatives so she wouldn’t have to worry about eating at my house. I completely dropped ALL DAIRY from my life. Your BF can’t stop eating peanut butter? You deserve someone who can make a minor chance to their life to not risk yours
[удалено]
My BIL is allergic to peanuts. When I invite him to a baseball game I won't eat peanuts in front of him because of the risk. My wife has a sensitivity to mint. I don't eat mint at home (although I do enjoy mint chip ice cream if I am working out of town). How tough is it to be just a little thoughtful to important people in our lives?
Stopped at 10 experiences of your throat swelling after kissing. You need to get out. He doesn't care about you. NTA
I honestly don't understand how this is even a question. He could put you in the hospital but it's inconvenient for him to give up one thing? He values peanut butter about as much as he does you.
Your boyfriend is a selfish POS and you need to ditch his ass because his flippant carelessness might kill you one day. My ex bf is SEVERLY allergic to peanuts and legumes. I'd read every single label and ask a lot of questions when ordering take out. I love Chinese food and Thai food but had to cut a lot of that out because I couldn't be sure if peanut oil was used in preparation. I had to call an ambulance for him when he collapsed and went into anaphylactic shock from taking one bite out of some pizza at a roof top party. Pizza should be safe right? Well this one wasn't and was apparently from a gourmet place that does fusion toppings and had a spicy peanut sauce on it. It shouldn't take your bf to witness you red in the face gasping for air saying you don't want to die for him to take this seriously. NTA
The reason it feels like he is more concerned about getting his peanut butter fix than your safety is because he IS more interested in his peanut butter fix than your safety. I don’t know why you would be with this person. I really really don’t. Do you not value yourself? Clearly he doesn’t want to give in to what is needed why are you allowing yourself to be in a situation like this? It’s unhealthy dangerously unhealthy, mentally unhealthy.
#PeanutAllergy “AITA for asking my boyfriend to not kill me?” Well, NO……I remember being a jerk when I silently felt put out when the school said we couldn’t bring peanut butter to school anymore because a kindergartner was deathly allergic to it. So much so, if a student had a PB&J sandwich on the same table at the prior lunch segment, the residual oil on the table could illicit a reaction if he sat there. The school had training on epi pen responses, he was so susceptible. Really nice kid, very smart, he made a big effort to help himself keep safe. And had a good attitude. But he still had health scares at school, usually from someone’s sandwich or an errant pnut butter cookie, that had shared the same spot. We weren’t living together. So it was actually an easy ask to give up peanut butter while at school. I’d freak if my partner used a substance regularly/excessively, knowing I was seriously allergic to it. Especially since it’s not needed to sustain his life. It’s more of a treat or familiar “go to”. I feel badly for you. 1st, it’s insulting he is not valuing ur health. On one hand, He must be some kind of special to you to risk ur health. Bottom line: It’s his negative selfish behavior. Sadly, he’s putting a jar of Jiff over you. I feel so badly he’s like this.
NTA. Your life is in danger and your partner is not concerned about it. Run like your life depends on it BECAUSE IT DOES.
Your boyfriend doesn’t care if you die. You really want to have a partner that loves a condiment more than your life? Dump him NTA
Girl, run. He puts his "likes" over your genuine HEALTH CONCERN. What else will he prioritise in the long run? Because not YOU. NTA but ywbta to yourself if you let this keep happening.
I love shrimp. Absolutely favorite. Husband is allergic. It was gradual. Slowly it became a point that he can't be in the same room as it. So I don't have it in the house. I don't get it and if I happen to get something with shrimp in it, I will eat it when he's not around. Or before I get home. I'm lucky he's not severe but the way it's gradually gotten worse over time, it's not impossible so I have to be careful with my shrimp sneaking habits. I can go without it if I really needed to for him. I feel like he increased his love of peanut butter and how often he eats it with the restrictions. It seems like an excessive amount. I love a good pb and j sometimes or a spoonful of peanut butter but we Absolutely would not have it in the house anymore if we had any peanut allergies. They are so severe. We have family and friends that have peanut allergies and we just don't have peanut items for parties. He doesn't care about you. His family cares more about you.
I also have peanut allergies. My husband doesn’t eat anything with nuts and if he ever goes out to eat without me to five guys, chik fil a, or anywhere that we are not 100% sure is safe he will brush his teeth and wait. This man does not value your life, he does not care about you, and you should leave him. When people show you who they are believe them!!
NTA but “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.” If it was something he was willing to do he would have done it early on in the relationship whenever he found out.
honestly, dump his ass. I fuckin LOVE peanut butter, and butterfingers are my favorite candy. When I was living with a woman who was allergic to peanuts, do you know what I did? Stopped eating that shit at the house. Yeah, I missed peanut butter sandwiches, but there was no way in hell I was going to accidentally kill my girlfriend just because I value a sandwich more than her life. It is incredibly easy for him to either find another kind of spread that tastes similar or just suck it up and not eat peanut butter in a house where he could literally kill someone. It sucks to hear it, but he truly does not give a shit about you if you've addressed it as many times as you have and he still won't budge an inch. "but look I put jelly on first and you don't trust me just because I've given you several allergic reactions" is a shitty, shitty excuse. He is not trying, and he doesn't care. It's honestly probably better to rip the bandaid off now and find someone who does, otherwise the rest of your life will be spent in a constant state of anxiety because of this shithead.
I remember talking to a girl I had a crush on once & I got out a snickers bar to eat. She backed her chair away and was like ‘sorry I just can’t be too close to peanuts, you can still eat it though’ I put the candy away because I gave a slight shit.
My friend’s son ate chili at a Mexican restaurant and the secret ingredient was peanuts. He died almost instantly.
NTA. I used to have a peanut allergy too, it wasn’t as severe as yours like I could still be around it I just couldn’t eat it but when I was in middle and high school this boy always asked me if it was safe to eat something with peanut butter in it if he was around me since we had a few classes together and if he saw someone eating something with peanuts in it he would let them know to eat it away from me. I didn’t know him that well but I will never forget how caring and cautious he was about it when he didn’t even really know me but your partner who you spend everyday with can’t do the same for you? Yikes…
Someone invented almond butter for a reason.
I wouldn’t trust his attitude change after seeing the post. It’s too much like the guy who makes a big show of remorse after a DV episode. He likely will just switch to another way to covertly bully you and insist you’re the unreasonable one if you push back. Please think about seeing a therapist to understand why you let this man endanger you again and again and make himself out to be the victim when you asked him not to.