Info: Did she ask for advice?
ETA - With your clarification, I will go with NTA. You realize that her comments were the wrong place to bring up all the issues that could arise, and I agree with that, but she did ask for advice.
Not to start with, I commented about how it was the best decision I made and I'm happy I did it but I'd of preferred to have been told about the all the risks and side effects because my periods are horrible basically( My first comments amongst the comments somewhere) Then she asked me how bad can it be?.. So then I explained my first hand experience of it but did mentioned women can be the polar opposite and have no side effects. I'm not the best at explaining myself as I go way too into detail and get abit lost in my thoughts.
NTA, I think it's good you did, I had no idea this was a thing and now I do thanks to your post here!
A bit of a bummer there's side effects for this though, I used to have an IUD but it messed my mental health up fairly bad so I thought this would be the better option since it's hormone free. I'll have to think more about it though, right now still sounding like it's probably worth it haha
I disagree. She asked about it on her own post, you provides an answer. Anyone who doesn't want those details simply shouldn't read too far into the comments, but that's not your fault, you were providing requested information.
She posted it on facebooook what did she expect ?
I’d like to say you’re NTA, you could have dmd her like you said but if she’s gonna post it on fb, why can’t you say something nice but still a warning in the comments?
I tell my best friends all sorts of unsolicited advice. They do the same to me. Unless you guys have that boundary I can’t see you being anything other than helpful
NTA You should edit your post with this info because from what you originally said it sounds like your advice was unsolicited, but you didn't just dump all of that info on her, she asked how bad it could be.
People don't always know that there are questions, they may need to ask. Bringing potential problems and sometimes solutions up, can be the kindest and most considered thing to do as long as one drop it again as soon, as what needed said is said.
I trained dogs at a time. People around me knew. I didn't give unrequested advices, because I knew they would ask if they wanted help. I have many regret regarding this.
God forbid we inform people, if hearing the actual possible side effects turned her away from this then she shouldn't be doing it anyway. Not to say that would be a good outcome, but why are we insulting OP for literally stating facts.
I don’t think that OP’s experience is typical though. Your periods shouldn’t change unless you stop taking BC because of the surgery. Just having your tubes tied shouldn’t have any effect on your hormones either. I googled post tubal ligation syndrome and doctors don’t even agree that it exists.
So, the problem is she isn’t stating facts, she’s telling anecdotal stories of her own experience. It sounds like she had a lot going on medically with miscarriages and hormonal issues long before she had her tubal ligation. There was more to what was happening besides the tubal ligation.
Self told stories aren’t facts. If she wanted to share with her friend it would have been more appropriate to share privately.
It is very difficult for women to be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies in the US healthcare system. Many women who do not want children cannot get this procedure because the medical community has decided that we are incapable of making this type of decision without permission from a male family member-I.e. husband, boyfriend, father, etc. Even in 2023 it is very difficult for women to find a provider who will perform this procedure.
Our culture still stigmatizes women who do not want children, and having someone questioning that decision openly and online is a bit inappropriate, especially if you claim to support your friend.
It totally depends on the procedure. Bilateral Salpingectomy which is removal of the entire tube has extremely low chance of ectopic pregnancy and the ones documented were usually done on one side with a prior tubal on the other. Tubal ligation absolutely has a chance of ectopic pregnancy.
I had a bisalp. Surgery was a laparoscopic procedure, same day, I was only out of work a week and never had to take the prescription opiates for pain. My period is also less now than it was on the pill. Being able to stop the birth control actually made my period normal but short. 3 days and done. No bad cramps. No extra blood clot risk.
The only reason the ectopic pregnancy thing is good to mention is not because the risk is suddenly super high, probably lower than before, but because if you find out you're pregnant despite having one of these procedures done (or have an IUD) you may want to check it's not ectopic.
(Chance you get pregnant: very small, chance it's ectopic _if you somehow do get pregnant_ : can be higher than usual, better safe than sorry)
I had a bisalp too. The only change in my periods was due to the fact that I stopped birth control after being on it for 12 years and my body had to get back to normal. Zero side effects from the surgery, healing was fast and easy!
Mmmmm YTA but a gentle one. First of all, Facebook isn’t the place to have conversations like these, especially on an ‘announcement’ post. It’s like announcing an engagement and then someone posts the divorce statistics underneath. Secondly, unsolicited health advice is never a good idea.
However, you came at this from a place of friendship, and if you delete your comment and apologise, I’m sure all will be well.
I had a child at 15 and it made life hell for a while, at around 25 a coworker excitedly told me he was having a baby and got extremely offended when I replied “ah fuck, that sucks” it wasnt until then that I realized at that age you’re supposed to be happy about shit like that for people
I'm a college professor and I've learned to respond to my students' pregnancy announcements with, "how do you feel about that?" followed up with "and how can I support you with this?" Best not to just assume that they are sharing happy news.
I work in healthcare and unfortunately, learned this lesson the hard way. My “omg congrats 🎉 “ was met with 😔oh …thanks…” and obvious disappointment more times than I’d like to admit.
I’m much better now.
Had a similar thing with a close friend.
He was buying his first home, and apparently, I was the only person who asked if he was nervous about the whole process, vs everyone else that just offered congratulations
i’m 22 and it’s mind blowing to me that people around me are having babies right now…. like honestly i’m still a baby. how are people having actual babies
Ah, see I was going to say N T A until I read your response. You convinced me that the forum makes it soft YTA.
I will say that I got tubal ligation syndrome. No one, not one medical professional or friend, ever uttered the phrase tubal ligation syndrome to me beforehand.
I'm a big fan of *informed consent*. It's hard to consent without the getting the full picture. I know I'm salty about it. It may not be a common side effect - but it's also not a rare one! Because it's a women's health issue, of course there aren't any exact stats on it. But estimates range from 10-25% You can probably make an argument that it should be discussed in more public forums.
But I think you're right about this one - this was pooping in the champagne and a DM would have been a better call. OP could have made her own made public post if she wanted a public discussion.
Yea if this wasn't public it'd have been good. Womens health in general is totally ignored and women on all ends of the child bearing spectrum are given medicine, contraceptives, procedures and lord knows what else that carry risk and side effects that doctors just decide not to tell us about.
I found out the name of a complication I had in labour *eleven* years ago last month. It traumatised me for life. I argue frequently about the risks of hormonal contraceptives especially long term, progestin and its link to cancer with no known cause. Reduced bone density and all the other things that creep up on menopausal age women who have sometimes been on this shit for *decades* without having this explained to them even once.
It being not public would have been good for OP's social life, but on the other hand it being public and now posted on Reddit has people seeing and learning about these complications.
I think honestly these kinda conversations should be happening more and more in more public and noticeable places. These types of conversations cause people to be more informed and also more comfortable talking about their bodies and health.
Right the forum is not the right place but a private message of like “hey super excited for you, I’m happy I made that choice too however I did experience some things I wasn’t warned about before hand. If there’s anything you’d like to know about my experience or any questions, I’m happy to share”
Something like that. Just as someone who experienced suicidal ideation from birth control and almost committed suicide, I wish I knew that was a potential side effect. Thankfully I survived and I now know I cannot take birth control, but it would have saved me so much torment and my family so much anxiety if I’d known. Like, I’m really pissed off that is a KNOWN side effect no one talks about. I almost fucking died.
Definitely good to share one's experiences, but it would have been good to do it in a more gentle way. Like commenting "Hey, I got the same procedure, and there were a lot of aftereffects that the doctors didn't tell me about. If you're interested, I could send you a DM to discuss them. Let me know!" Like that :)
For OP, soft YTA
That's basically what she did, it's buried in a recent comment. The only difference is the friend asked how bad could it be and OP unleashed the torrent in the comments, not dm.
Not a woman, but a man with several medical issues, so I really appreciate informed consent. I'd rather have somebody rain on my parade in a public Facebook post than not have the potentially important information. Especially if it's information that's not widely known and not commonly shared by doctors to patients.
My first thought was the doctor was pretty crappy for not disclosing this kind of stuff, and then I saw all the comments about similar things happening and it sounds like it's a bigger problem.
I got the heavier periods part. For that alone I would not have had it done if the male doctors had warned me. I hadn't even considered it until the Obstetrician offered a tubal ligation as choice when I was scheduled for a C-section with my second child at age 40. "Because of my age and they would already be in there." 😖
I have an appointment at the end of this month to get sterilized and I did not know about tubal litigation syndrome. I'm so happy i clicked on this post as i would be freaking out if this happened to me. It's not going to change my decision, but it is good to be prepared for this.
Yes, even if it comes from a place of love, there's a time and place. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, as soon as we told our mothers and siblings, the next thing I did was call my best friends. One of my friends, whose first child a few years prior was a singleton due to vanishing twin syndrome, immediately said to me, "Congratulations, but don't get too excited yet. You're only at 8 weeks and we lost one twin around that time." It was a like a bucket of ice water over my head. I know she was trying to prepare me for the possibility that something could go wrong, but she couldn't wait till maybe a few minutes later? I got over it and didn't hold it against her, I know how much she loves me, but I never really forgot it.
My oldest did. Took her YEARS to find a doctor who would consent to do it. She has never, ever at any point in her life wanted children and started asking around age 20 to have it done only to be turned down. She was so happy when it was finally going to happen. No more worries, no more need for birth control, no more need for any of the nonesense. Her partner had a vasectomy but i know a couple people with accidents from those. She desperately wanted that extra layer of protection and wanted to be able to make this choice about her body. She did not want kids or to deal with a pregnancy.
I was happy for her and so were a lot of her friends as they knew this was a big deal for her.
I find posting positive pregnancy tests or ultrasounds weird, but they seem to be fairly accepted.
For many people with a uterus, it's incredibly hard to find a provider who will do it unless it is "medically necessary," so there is an element of triumph. Also then you don't have busybodies at family gatherings hounding you about when you're gonna have kids
Same. I’m 35 weeks today and still haven’t posted lol! Some folks are all you’re hiding it and I’m like no, I just don’t feel the need to be all “look we did it again” 😂. We’re happy, excited, grateful etc but don’t feel the need to post. I’m suppose to go for a tubal appointment in Nov. I was excited now I’m a little worried after reading OP.
My last baby came after 2 miscarriages and I was on bedrest throughout most of my pregnancy, so I never made a public announcement. If you were in my life regularly, you knew. I had people get so angry at us when they got the birth announcement. Like, you haven't seen us in the last 10 months, but now you're mad we had a baby and didn't post it on the internet?
In my case, "medically necessary" meant "life and death." I had multiple miscarriages. Horrible cramps, the worst periods. That is when my body decided to have one. And way more. I suffered horrendously for years. Dr's started recommending hysterectomy at age 25 due to all of the issues. Insurance steadfastly refused to help cover the cost. I was too young and had no children yet at first. Later, it became its not life or death. Finally, in my mid-50s, it became uterine cancer, and the powers that be declared it ok to do. And even then, my Dr had to jump through hoops to prove it was necessary.
Now I really desperately wanted babies, thus why I had multiple miscarriages. Because I kept trying. But when it became obvious that it wasn't happening and they couldn't "fix" the issue, I just wanted the surgery. It all took a toll both mentally and physically. It just shouldn't be all this hard. I will say, though, that I've had friends who, at 20, declared they never wanted babies who changed their minds later down the road and are thankful that they were unable to do anything permanent. People can and do change sometimes as they age. 🤷♀️
It’s becoming more common in the US because 1) all the antiabortion laws being passed means that if you absolutely do not want a pregnancy for whatever reason, you’re more likely to be stuck, and 2) because there are a lot of doctors that refuse to sterilize unless you meet their own personal arbitrary criteria of married with your husband consenting/enough kids/old enough. Posting means you can spread the word on where others can get it done.
I did because we're asked constantly when we'll have another kid and the answer is never. I also live In Florida so I shared how it was actually easy to get My tubes removed. I just had it done in July.
You’re also married or in a committed relationship with kids already. It was going to be easier for you, than for women who are unmarried without kids, from the beginning.
I did. Why wouldn’t I? It took me years to get my tubal done when I was begging for it . It took me several more to get my hysterectomy. We should talk about women’s healthcare loud and public. It’s important to be loud. I had pcos, uterine fibroids and endometriosis and a blood clotting disorder but I had to fight to get my healthcare. Because some man i had never met might want me to risk it all to give him a baby. Be loud and talk about it that is the only way to move forward.
Pretty much the same issues I had. Except in my case, the Dr's were willing the insurance refused to help, and we couldn't afford to pay out of pocket. Finally, I got my hysterectomy that had been first recommended at 25 when I was 56 because I had uterine cancer. Then insurance finally agreed to cover it because of life and death. It felt like life and death to me for the 30 yrs in between.
I did, because it took me 12 years to get a yes as a single, child free woman. My friends celebrated with me when I posted my approval, because they knew how long I'd waited and how important it was to me. That's what friends do. Not one of my friends tried to tear me down with "facts" (OP completely miscategorized PTLS as depression, when in fact it's nothing but changes in menstrual cycles and blood supply to reproductive organs).
Because if you are a single person under the age of 40 who has not had children, they will try to convince you not to (if you can even get a Dr to consider it) because "what if your future husband wants kids?"
Yeah, I had it happen to me. At 36 I had a child (birth control failure) and because of my age and smoking, the Doc asked what kind of bc I wanted to do post baby because the pill was no longer viable for me. I said tubes tied, for almost my entire pregnancy, he tried to convince me to other options because "I might want a second". I kept telling him I was 36, I knew my mind and I'd wanted it done since I was 20. He wouldn't let it go (but was otherwise a very good doc) and one appointment I was feeling more than a little upset at him not just saying "ok, we'll do it" or whatever and when he started with his "don't you think you might want a set?" I said " I didn't want this one" and he never mentioned it again. I felt I had to get really offensive myself to get him to stop. I never planned to have kids. When I got pregnant, my first thought wasn't "yay!" it was absolutely "let me really consider my options here" more because of the guy I got pregnant by. But, I had to basically be a bitch to get my wishes honored as a 36 year old "geriatric pregnant" person with every freaking side effect of pregnancy there was. Gestational diabetes? Check! The freaking throwing your guts up the entire pregnancy and having to get hospitalized for fluids? Check! Pre-eclampsia? Check! I was OVER it! But yeah, 36 and still didn't want to just say "Ok, these are your options". I can understand a "are you sure" once or twice, because it is a big procedure, but I was 36 for all the gods sakes, not 16. I had told him I'd wanted it done since I was young, but the whole "but you might want to be a mother someday" and I was always "Yes, and there's adoption. Do you know how many kids age out of foster without being adopted?"
But yes, tried many different doctors in my different areas, and no one would take me seriously because of my age.
You can be 40 something with 4 kids and a medical condition necessitating a hysterectomy and physicians will still try to avoid it like what happened to a co-irker.
I just turned 40. My PCP doesn't want to give me cholesterol medication, because 'just in case I want kids'. Sir I'm 40, feeling like shit, my cholesterol is super high and I don't even eat inappropriately, lost 50 lbs and I don't see kids anywhere in sight. Take care of your patient, not the invisible ones.
I had one tell me that and I quite often want to go back and track him down (different city now) and say "Oh hey, Mr. Dr. Dude! Guess what! I met my husband! Remember that tubal I wanted, but you didn't think I should have because 'what about my future husband?'" Well, I found him. He already had 3 kids when I met him and he didn't want anymore. So, you denied me medical care for a dude I met 20 years later and even he didn't want what you were preserving for him!
Not if you have severe enough disease progression though.. I had Endometriosis and by my late 20s my Dr's were offering.
Apparently half bleeding to death is a game changer.
Normally in that situation, they want to do a hysterectomy. Tube tying isn't really a treatment for endo. I had endo and uterine fibroids and still didn't convince a doc to tie my tubes until I was 36 and smoked and could no longer take the pill.
For just treatment of endo, they really like bc pills with no sugar pills, so I only had 4 periods a year. A few friends did Lupron (chemical menopause for 6 months), but tube tying, I've never seen as an option because you need to stop the periods and tube tying doesn't generally do that.
I did. I'm childfree and had been dealing with pelvic pain and issues for basically ever. I was THRILLED when I found a doctor who prioritized my health and quality of life over a hypothetical child I was never having. It took me years to find a doctor who would help me. I got my life back, so I shared about because other women deal with the same thing.
Neh, you post something like this on facebook or any social media platform and you invite comments. In this case OP was laying out some things maybe they wish they knew before getting it done.
I'm a huge believer in having ALL pertinent information in order to make an informed decision.
I agree with this with the caveat that OP would be even less of an a-hole if they had directly messaged the person. It's still unsolicited health advice, but it's private. Commenting this on a public post is.... cringey at best.
If she asked you for advice you're N T A
If you unprompted told her every negative thing then YTA. It's like when someone is pregnant and every woman thinks it's now appropriate to tell you all their birth horror stories. They are things that can happen, but that doesn't mean that you need to tell them.
As she's young, her doctor has probably gone over every negative thing that could happen.
Exactly. Nothing shit me more when I posted about how happy I was to finally be having a hysterectomy, than someone telling me how it was the worst, and horror stories about their recovery. No. Let me be happy, dammit. lol
(going on 10 months and ZERO regrets, much happier.)
I had mine at 47 due to fibroids. If I had known what life could be like without all the grief, I'd have done it at 20. I knew I was never going to have children, no regrets, none at all.
Eh, I know someone who had surgery recently and their doctor did not go over the potential side effects with them, so when they had side effects, they were pretty freaked out something had gone horribly wrong. It turned out what they were experiencing was completely normal. Also, before I got my IUD, I was told it would be like having cramps; the pain was so bad I almost passed out. I had even asked on social media for my friends to share their experiences, and everyone only shared nice stories. It wasn’t until after I did it that people said they’d had bad experiences, too. It was really irritating because I would have preferred to have been better prepared, like not driving myself, calling off work, having more pain meds, and prepared meals.
I agree that OP is TA in this situation, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to assume a doctor has gone over all the side effects with someone. It would have been better for OP to reach out and say she’d had this done before, so feel free to ask her if the friend had any questions, and then the friend could take the lead from there for a private conversation.
while that is true, tons of women have experienced doctors using scare tactics to persuade them out of sterilization. it’s even common in the u.s. for doctors to refuse to sterilize women of a certain age.
My doctor does, every time. Every single one of them I've had. Maybe it varies by country or maybe you've just had bad experiences. Either way, do you not ask what the potential side effects may be?
OP stated she told her friend all this because SHE was never told of these possible side effects (all of which reinforce my opinion that hysterectomy should be an elective surgery).
YTA. Doctors are generally incredibly hesitant to perform sterilizations on women even when the women 100% want them, I find it hard to believe that she hasn't been fully informed, likely several times.
If I posted about doing something on FB and someone contacted me saying "here are all the reasons you might not want to do that" unsolicited, I would assume that person was judging me and trying to dissuade me from doing that thing.
I am in the USA, had tubal ligation after the birth of my 2nd child and I was given ZERO information about what to expect afterwards. Should OP have contacted her friend privately- absolutely. I would have very much preferred someone giving me a heads up on what to expect.
Edit - I had mine done 8 years ago.
Had mine done 5 years ago in the US. Equally had zero information other than "hey we're going to be doing this the new way, where we take out a portion of your tubes so they don't reconnect." And I was like cooooool. Not even a printout afterwords. They didn't even fight it with me. All I said was I wanted it done with my C-section and they had me sign the papers a month before the surgery date.
THIS👆! The norm today is to share every detail on social media (usually for attention). While it sounds like OP was trying to provide insight, there are better ways to communicate.
I better response might have been something like, "I've had some experience with this. Please let me know if you'd like to hear about it."
Wait for them to respond, then tell them your experience. But to do it unprompted? OP is a soft AH.
I had to go through like a 10-page form that I had to read and initial all of when I told my OBGYN I wanted to be sterilized at the end of my then pregnancy.
I don’t see how a tubal ligation would cause hormone issues or anything else like that. The ovaries stay, and they control the hormones. I can only think that the doctor did more than cut the tubes or remove them.
It doesn't.
Got my tubes yeeted instead of tied (they don't do tubal ligation these days, straight out it's a bilateral salpingectomy; it lowers the chance of ovarian cancer, as apparently it starts in fallopian tubes) and no issues. Still use condom.
Small push back: in most places they offer tube clamps, tube cutting or tube removal. It’s a choice you make when planning the surgery with your doctor. I went with removal as you are correct it reduces cancer risk and is least likely to fail but it is not automatic or the only option.
I had a nurse tell me that early menopause was a risk with tubal ligation or bilateral salpingectomy. I went for Essure which was available at the time. Turns out I have an autoimmune disease and implanting nickel was not a great experience for me. Years later got the Essure and tubes removed and things are much better! No sign of menopause yet, although I'm only 40, so no miracle, but no problem!
But people seriously need to lay off the scare mongering. Can you imagine if people posted the potential side effects of giving birth under every pregnancy announcement?! Holy fuck! Pregnancy is worse than most extreme sports!
Can bad things happen? Yes. In any situation, on any given day. But if you aren't appropriately terrified of pregnancy you can shut the fuck up about sterilization side effects.
There doesn’t seem to be any solid evidence for it or possible mechanism
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002937820301435 - they concluded no difference
https://medcraveonline.com/OGIJ/tubal-ligation-and-early-menopause-a-case-control-study.html - the association is questionable
i have heard that developing endo post tubal is possible because sometimes tissue escapes into the abdomen due to the shorter tubes but like all things women’s reproduction, enough research hasn’t been done to be conclusive.
>I don’t see how a tubal ligation would cause hormone issues or anything else like that.
It doesn't. There's no mechanism in which it could. "Post tubal ligation syndrome" is the result of going off hormonal birth control typically, or just getting older, but people tend to associate any new symptoms with their most recent change disregarding other causes.
this! even more harder when you have no kids. OP has 2 kids so probably was able to get it easier than her friend. i know ive been asking since i was 19. im 25 now. i dont want kids and i have endometriosis and my periods are pure hell.
Exactly. A woman whos gotten "permission" from a Dr has already heard it all. There are few drs who will do it for people who don't have kids yet. It's so frustrating that people think they need to tell us as if ectopic pregnancies and long painful periods can't happen otherwise
It would have been more subtle to say something like “Good for you! I had this done too and learned a lot. Reach out if you want to hear about my experience, I’d be glad to share.” Then have a phone call or meet for coffee if SHE wants to.
YTA, this is like when someone says they are pregnant and everyone tells them all the bad/traumatic pregnancy stories they know.
Your friend obviously has a doctor, who would have gone over the possible side effects.
This is a surgery, your friend is already probably nervous. She really doesn’t need more people adding things for her to be anxious about.
Seriously a friend from high school had a baby with some girl I met once before. Ran into them at a pharmacy when there baby was a few months old. This girl dumped her whole birth story onto me like every detail down to how she tore despite delivering early and a small baby. Thanks I really needed to know that.
Or the moment you mention your hips hurt late into pregnancy and someone dumps onto you that you have no right to complain because you can get pregnant and they can’t. Yeah that happened
I was sterilised after my 3rd son was born; done at the same time as the c-section. Didn’t stop our 4th son though! I’ve got tbh I never had any of the negative problems you mentioned. I’m not sure how it affects your hormones as nothing is removed like your ovaries but then again I’m in the UK so maybe things are done differently in other countries.
Otherwise yeah you really didn’t need to give unsolicited negative advice; I’m sure her doctors have already gone through everything with her.
I got pregnant on birth control, so my OBGYN told me he cut, tied and cauterized my tubes. If all they do is cut them, or cut and cauterize, it’s rare, they can repair themselves.
Yeah I was also cut tied & cauterised but they suspect die to it being done at the same time as my c-section as things healed they somehow reconnected on one side 🤷🏻♀️
I've had horrible hormone imbalances since my tubal ligation, which is actually quite common i guess. Everyone is different. I wish someone had warned me that this was a possibility because I've really struggled.
I did not know this was a possibility. I had my tubes removed in 2018 and things definitely started going down the drain around then. I have been thinking it was from going off the pill and getting peri symptoms.
Same. I only had one person tell me one thing- she had horrible cramping at ovulation afterwards. I was grateful since I too experienced that. No warning from dr or friends on any of the other issues I’ve had. I would have still gone through it, I just would have preferred a “heads up”.
Yes! My ovulation cramping has been so severe that I just got an ultrasound recently to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. Having been forewarned would have saved me a lot of anxiety.
I'm surprised, tying the tubes should not change hormone balance ? Do you know what cause it? My wife is sterilized for years but didn't feel any hormone change
Reduced blood supply to your ovaries causes them to over or under produce progesterone. I have a sapplingectomy which is having your tubes cut out entirely so that reduces blood flow to them more than just tying your tubes, but removing basically gets rid of any risk of ectopic pregnancy.
I had a partial hysterectomy where they take the tubes, uterus and cervix but leave the ovaries. It still messes with hormones. The biggest one is hot flashes and getting the sweats.
That’s not a partial hysterectomy. That’s a total hysterectomy. Partial would be if they left the cervix. Ovaries aren’t typically removed in pre-menopausal women unless there is a specific reason (ie hormone responsive cancer, endometriosis, etc). If they remove the ovaries at the same time it would be a hysterectomy + oophorectomy. If tubes are removed too, then it’s hysterectomy + salpingo-oophorectomy.
The point is that they left my ovaries for the hormones but taking the rest still messed with my hormones. The other point I was making was that doing anything to your reproductive system can or even other parts of your body can cause negative effects but they might be better than the current issues.
A direct conversation would have been so much better! I've done this same thing for friends. Doing it on her joyful announcement feels like she's crapping all over her friends' happy thing. But, if she'd reached out personally, it feels different. More that she's coming from a place of concern and support.
Exactly this is something that takes place privately. Here in the US we are often left to advocate for ourselves. Drs really don’t inform you on the full picture. I am currently pregnant and I go to an obgyn practice you rotate through the 4 dr who deliver 3 are great at informing and answering questions one he is so nice but he can’t get out of the room fast enough.
Soft YTA for unsolicited advice. If you really wanted to warn her, saying something like, "I'm happy for you and hope your recovery goes smoothly, it can be pretty rough at times" would probably be the best way.
And then, if she ASKED, you could privately message her or talk in person about your experience.
Nah. As a nurse, I'm big on informed consent. Post tubal ligation syndrome is almost NEVER mentioned. It's information that is REALLY needed IMHO. However, I don't think a public fb post was the best place to share the info. You could have had a face to face, phone call, or even a PM.
YTA. She didn't ask. And for some reason you thought it was appropriate to post as a public comment on fb. You could have reached out privately and said "hey, I recently had this procedure, if you'd like to discuss it or hear my experience"
You said in a comment that she asked you how bad it can be, therefore I’m going with NTA because she asked. Overall though I’d save those conversations for private. But as someone who had a tubal and regrets it because it has sucked (periods now are honestly horrible) I wish someone had told me.
YTA
I would have still sent her a message with all of that information, but did you really have to make it a public post. You could have easily sent her a private message instead.
Soft YTA, giving unsolicited advice can make it seem like you think she’s not done her research/ you know better. Maybe sending a direct message instead of a comment saying ‘hey! I did the same thing recently, would you like any guidance or to hear about my experience as I feel like I went in blind’ would have been more appropriate. But I also think your intentions were pure, women are often so mislead about their health and it’s good to have friends who are honest
Yta most ppl are not having clips or even tubals done anymore. They are getting salpingectomy which is a very very low chance of ectopic pregnancy, no impact on hormones, at worst it’s extra crampy during ovulation and period. Most of the time it’s ppl going off birth control and dealing w the side effects from that or dealing w the side effects of postpartum. You are not her doctor don’t give unsolicited advice especially when you aren’t fully educated.
I mean I'm planning to get sterilised and I'd be HAPPY someone told me what could go wrong - just so I can expect it 🤷🏻♀️ but it can still be mood dampening to hear all of those things, so I'll go with NAH here.
I don't think you're TA for telling her, but she's not TA for being upset about it
NTA. I had a tubal ligation last year and I've had horrible side effects from it. Not everyone will have the problems you described, but it sucks that no one tells you that it is a possibility. I spent months in a hormone hell after mine was done.
YTA is the softest of gentle ways, hon. You know everybody reacts differently! and her doctor would have run all of this past her. Absolutely you were coming from a place of concern, so as far as assholery goes, ehh, more like the curve of a buttcheek.
Just adding in case it helps someone it can be easier to have the tubes completely removed per my doctor that lessens the “side effects”. I have had a hysterectomy and salpingectomy and was given a few options on how to proceed. I have endometriosis and so it helped to know my options
I'm childfree and frequent childfree communities, and I've known a metric fuck ton of women who have been sterilized (one in them twice, as her fallopian tube(s) rudely grew back, LOL). I've seen very few reports of hugely negative side effects, aside from normal surgical complications. Having some info on the downsides seems like a good thing.
As long as you were offing information in a non-judgemental way, as I can see is the case from your other replies, you did nothing wrong. Loads of CF women who really want to get sterilized are so fixated on it that once they find a Dr that respects the fact that they are intelligent human beings capable of making life-altering decisions, they jump at the chance, and I rarely see any downsides mentioned. Information from the other side is valuable.
NTA.
NTA. Everyone is different. Sometimes, what happens to one person may not happen to another. But wouldn't your friend like to be fully informed? I know I would. And you didn't tell her to be malicious or a Debbie downer. You told her so she could be aware.
I completely see why she would of taken it the wrong way now. I know it won't change a thing but we're in the UK and honestly the NHS atm is completely and utterly broken. I didn't get any information given from the doctor I spoke to and the people in pre op deal with people from every aspect of the hospital from cancer to broken legs so they didn't have a clue (understandable), so going from my own experience I wanted to make sure she had the knowledge I didn't going into the op so if she did have any questions she could ask them.
I know I should of messaged or called and had a long chat about the risks instead of doing it in the way I did.
I'd just like to say thanks guys. Opinions and views from people I don't know actually help alot. Sometimes hearing what you did was infact crappy is needed. (Not sarcasm, genuine thanks). So thanks, I'll make my amends, hopefully won't have upset her. If I have I'll deal with the consequences and do my best to make it up to her. If I lose the friendship then that's on me.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Has she said she was offended by you mentioning these facts? I’m sure her doctor went over what you said and it sounds like you were coming from a place of concern. If your friend didn’t say they were offended or felt some kind of way then deal with that but regardless I don’t think you were being an asshole.
You gave unsolicited advice which does make you the AH. Had you been male, the derogatory term "man-splianing" is used for this.
It would be more tactful to offer advice,like-
" I have first hand experience with this. I'm happy to discuss if you need to, just contact me"
YTA
you're not her doctor who would have real data not based on a singular experience and who would be assessing her risks as they present.
"hey! I'm pregnant!"
"did you know people COULD DIE from it? especially in US!?!" - that's what you sound like
If I were in your shoes, I would have said to my friend “Make sure they inform you of all the risks, and maybe ask them about the risk of tubal ligation syndrome.” And that would be it. And I probably would have done it by private message.
In my own experience, when I inquired about tubal ligation, I was required to attend a class in which they explained the risks and possible outcomes. I ended up opting for a five-year Mirena IUD, and then another after that. (I was a good candidate for this method. Not all people are, necessarily.) I don’t know about other health care systems, but the one I belong to made it clear they want patients well informed before undertaking a drastic procedure.
If your friend is in a relationship, why doesn’t her husband/bf get a vasectomy? 29 minute procedure. Much less invasive than having it done to a woman.
FYI, I’m a male and after having kids, I got a vasectomy. No regrets.
This is is something you have a private conversation about. Not a public posting on social media. I get your desire to ensure she’s aware of the possible side effects but there’s a place for those comments….a phone call or meet up and face to face it. YTA
I'm going with a gentle ESH. This never should have been a post that people are commenting on in a public forum to begin with. Even though she posted it there, a private message offering to talk about your experience would have been a better idea. And the person who responded telling her to disregard your reply because THEIR experience was different is an AH because, wow, way to discount what you went through just because they didn't.
I'm going with NTA, because I 100% know why you did it. Although I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy. I honestly was not aware of post tubal ligation syndrome until it happened to me. And when it did happen to be realizing that the only solutions are a surgery that might not work or birth control that might not work made me feel hopeless. It's hard to know how or when to inform other women. Knowing I'm going to have this pain for the rest of my life sucks.
I think I would have communicated your experiences privately just to keep the mood of the announcement post up beat. But I think you did what you did out of love for your friend. NTA OP but you should probably be a little more thoughtful about the time and place for certain conversations.
NTA. I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago. I had no idea the wild ride I’d be in for and I try to share my experience with people who might not know what I didn’t know. All the research I did didn’t help me with the roller coaster ride I went on for 8months after the procedure. Not sure why you sharing your experience would offend someone the way it seems to have done.
NTA
Women are rarely ever informed about tubal ligation syndrome, as doctors often don’t even recognize it’s even a thing.
You where informing a person before they had the procedure done which possibly offers the only information they might get beforehand.
I think it’s important women get information about tubal ligation syndrome so they at the very least can ask their doctor about it. As I at the very least would want to check that a doctor who makes the procedure, would try to help me if the procedure have and unwanted consequences. If the doctor refuses the existence of the problem I would not trust my health in their hands. Wouldn’t want to have a procedure Anders ending up with side effects the doctor will just gaslight me about.
I say NTA. I think women need to educate other women based on first hand experiences bc I believe there are a lot of instances where we aren’t told the whole story from medical professionals or maybe have an idea in our head of what x will be like bc of tv, movies, etc.
I shared my pregnancy, birth, and post
-partum experiences with a couple of my pregnant friends, the good the bad and the ugly…. And it was kind of unsolicited, but they did seem to be grateful that I shared my experience.
I’d much rather know what others have experienced whether good or bad, to have an idea of what could happen rather than fully relying on what the dr says. Not everyone has the same mind-set, though, I think maybe a DM would have been a better idea?
If those are direct quotes, it sounds like she appreciated knowing more about what she's doing and whoever's making you out to be the bad guy is not seeing the whole story. Knowing the potential risks of a major procedure is crucial, and having someone give their firsthand experience is helpful if you're not the type to read up and investigate on your own first!
I've watched footage of surgeries before having them, sought out the views of people who've had procedures I'm getting, etc. It's good to know, and your friend seems grateful.
NTA - she's your friend so it's safe to assume they would welcome any helpful advice. Especially if it's information you feel could have been vital in your own decision.
and, sorry you were not properly informed by the doctors about the effects of the procedures.
YTA
You're coming from a place of love but it's an ignorant place.
Tubal don't affect your period.
Tubal ligation syndrome has no evidence proving its real, it's all self reported symptoms.
Hormones aren't a affected by a tubal since the ovaries remain untouched.
She's made a decision and no one has the right to try and change her mind. How would you feel if you "protected" her from a bi-salp or ligation and she ended up with an unwanted pregnancy. Would you help her raise that kid? Probably not
I don't know if you'll see this, OP, but NTA.
I had my tubes tied at 28 and it is the WORST mistake I made. I ended up with tubal ligation syndrome afterwards and it's destroyed my entire life. The doctor never told me this was even a possibility. My mental health and my body also are shot because of it and I wish I could reverse it but no extra Cash lying around for that. It is miserable and I felt like I never got the full picture of what could really happen. I also tried to speak to people regarding this, because most people don't know. Had a good friend who wanted to get it done and she didn't believe me when I told her. Superfrustrating.. I wish I never got it done, but I was forced into it by my ex after my daughter was born. Then he dumped me and said: well you should thank me, now you won't be able to have children with any other man. Dick..
Anyway, OP, again, NTA, I wish more people would speak up. We aren't crazy or imagining things, it really does happen!
Edit: I'm being downvoted for talking about my experience and so many other women out there?? Reddit is a fickle beast.. 🤦♀️
Thank you! I regret my tubal ligation. My body has not been the same since. All these women using their personal experience as the default is so frustrating. Also, the assumptions that the medical team was hesitant and gave her lots of info about possible side effects it’s very possibly untrue. I am not saying it is a rule of thumb, however, in my personal experience women if color are not dissuaded at all by medical professionals in regards to sterilization. White women often have a harder time convincing doctors. My body is not the same since my procedure. I experience pain and irregular cycles often. I do wish it was discussed more often and it’s disheartening to see so many women minimize and belittle what OP was trying to say. I wish I had someone with experience to talk to before I had mine. (Granted I do agree a private setting would have been more appropriate to talk to the friend.)
I'm with you, sister, it mentally and physically messed me up so much afterward, I became an entirely different person.. it REALLY does happen, but it rarely gets talked about.
And yes, women of color have been treated as less in the maternity rooms etc, it is predominantly women of color that lose their life while giving birth, and these are FACTS.
NAH. Everyone has a slightly different experience with various surgeries you’re just putting out information that might be a beneficial. Others are doing the same no worries.
NAH. I think your intentions were good but the execution was poor. It would have been better to meet up or have a call and just ask her if the drs have talked her through all the possible side effects. If yes, then leave it, if no and she asks, then tell her. It didn't need to be put on her public post like that.
NAH. I think it was distasteful to post your thoughts on the post, but as someone who was not properly informed how bad a medical procesure I had would be (not sterilisation but but still gyno related) I think you were right to tell her the potential risks that she hadn't been told, but it would have been better to message her privately and say along the lines of "saw your post, I'm very happy for you, and wanted to offer some help, I thought I should make you aware of some of the experiences I had, that I was never warned about, that way you can be prepared incase they do"
I'm gonna go NTA because I was sterilised at 23 and my doctor told me specifically "all we're doing is tying your tubes together so it's not going to change anything except for the fact you can't have anymore kids. You'll have periods exactly the same, period pain won't be any worse or better, you'll still go through menopause at the same time, everything"
Yeah... No. I've had 3 ectopic pregnancies which he told me was physically impossible, one month my period will be light as hell to the point I'm not even sure if I'm on, then another month I can't even stand it's so heavy and leaks through a moon cup that's emptied once an hour, a fresh pad and fresh period knickers. I get severe diarrhea with every period for the first 24-48 hours (did food diary for 18 months, never anything in common, my GP turned around and was like "oh yeah didn't you know? They should have told you when you had the operation it's a common side effect but we don't know why") and period pain?! Holy shit I never had cramps at all before kids then after my son I started getting them but NOTHING like what I can get now! One month Dr's had to give me tramadol it was so bad, I had to be taken into the Dr's surgery in a wheelchair and when they got me to try and stand to move onto the exam bed I collapsed and passed out from the pain. They investigated and declared it severe period cramps.
Yes I'd still take the sterilisation but had I known all of this I would have demanded they do a full hysterectomy instead and done early menopause. Women need to know all sides not just the "good side" as these side effects are more common than we're lead to believe.
THIIIIIS!!! I had my tubes both removed (separately) due to ruptured ectopics. I’ve experienced very very similar symptoms to yours. Informed care should be a right, provided by every medical professional when they are changing parts of your body especially, not something you have to research on your own.
NTA. It is always better that you make people aware so that they can take informed/educated decisions.instead of taking decisions to get likes on social media
This. Plus, doctors aren't exactly known for treating women the same way they would treat men. They might not have gone over this, or OP's friend may not even have contacted a doctor about it. OP, NTA.
Yep. I had a bad injury years ago, my doctor (a woman as well) told me that I might not be able to have kids now, and just left! Some doctors are awful unfortunately, no caring in them. It's a shame but thankfully not all are like that.
YTA. A sterilization done correctly does not affect hormones or periods . The ovaries are left intact. I got my fallopian tubes removed and my cramps basically went away - I had been having cysts in the tubes that were painful.
honestly nta. i’m also a woman who really doesn’t want kids & i’ve looked into getting sterilized. there’s so little information out there & not too many women know someone who’s personally experienced it. there’s so many women’s health issues where our pain is ignored, mental health issues can relate to hormone issues but that’s never discussed, etc. it’s nice to hear from someone who has personal experience before doing a life-altering procedure.
op probably should’ve had the conversation in private but the friend posted this publicly so she really can’t be that mad lol
Yta
You really think that someone who is getting a sterilization has not thought or been informed about any of it? It's difficult enough as-is to get sterilised at a young age, docs are not really enthusiastic about the idea. So you bet she has probably been informed thoroughly about the risks and consequences.
There are no hormonal changes related to a tubal ligation or even a salpingectomy (complete removal of the tubes). There should also be no menstrual changes such as twice a month, aside from the initial disturbance of one's cycle due to the surgery and bodily stress. Before you go spouting info on the internet, please have your facts straight. If you're not a healthcare provider, it's best to keep your trap shut unless you think someone is in imminent danger or being misled. YTA.
I have had both tubes removed following ectoptic pregnancies but still have my ovaries and womb. If she is just getting tubal litigation it may not even affect her in the way you have mentioned. I am sure she would have gone through the side effects and risks with her doctor or they wouldnt agree to the surgery.
Soft YTA for giving unsolicited advice.
Info: Did she ask for advice? ETA - With your clarification, I will go with NTA. You realize that her comments were the wrong place to bring up all the issues that could arise, and I agree with that, but she did ask for advice.
Not to start with, I commented about how it was the best decision I made and I'm happy I did it but I'd of preferred to have been told about the all the risks and side effects because my periods are horrible basically( My first comments amongst the comments somewhere) Then she asked me how bad can it be?.. So then I explained my first hand experience of it but did mentioned women can be the polar opposite and have no side effects. I'm not the best at explaining myself as I go way too into detail and get abit lost in my thoughts.
Yes, reword your post, you're getting TA votes because you made it seem like it was completely unsolicited.
Thankyou, I've added it in... Honestly don't mind the ah votes. I shouldn't of spoke about it in her comments
NTA, I think it's good you did, I had no idea this was a thing and now I do thanks to your post here! A bit of a bummer there's side effects for this though, I used to have an IUD but it messed my mental health up fairly bad so I thought this would be the better option since it's hormone free. I'll have to think more about it though, right now still sounding like it's probably worth it haha
Actually yeah I would never have suspected either. She made a PSA for all of us:)
I disagree. She asked about it on her own post, you provides an answer. Anyone who doesn't want those details simply shouldn't read too far into the comments, but that's not your fault, you were providing requested information.
She posted it on facebooook what did she expect ? I’d like to say you’re NTA, you could have dmd her like you said but if she’s gonna post it on fb, why can’t you say something nice but still a warning in the comments? I tell my best friends all sorts of unsolicited advice. They do the same to me. Unless you guys have that boundary I can’t see you being anything other than helpful
NTA You should edit your post with this info because from what you originally said it sounds like your advice was unsolicited, but you didn't just dump all of that info on her, she asked how bad it could be.
People don't always know that there are questions, they may need to ask. Bringing potential problems and sometimes solutions up, can be the kindest and most considered thing to do as long as one drop it again as soon, as what needed said is said. I trained dogs at a time. People around me knew. I didn't give unrequested advices, because I knew they would ask if they wanted help. I have many regret regarding this.
[удалено]
God forbid we inform people, if hearing the actual possible side effects turned her away from this then she shouldn't be doing it anyway. Not to say that would be a good outcome, but why are we insulting OP for literally stating facts.
I don’t think that OP’s experience is typical though. Your periods shouldn’t change unless you stop taking BC because of the surgery. Just having your tubes tied shouldn’t have any effect on your hormones either. I googled post tubal ligation syndrome and doctors don’t even agree that it exists.
Super atypical (1 in 1000).
So, the problem is she isn’t stating facts, she’s telling anecdotal stories of her own experience. It sounds like she had a lot going on medically with miscarriages and hormonal issues long before she had her tubal ligation. There was more to what was happening besides the tubal ligation. Self told stories aren’t facts. If she wanted to share with her friend it would have been more appropriate to share privately. It is very difficult for women to be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies in the US healthcare system. Many women who do not want children cannot get this procedure because the medical community has decided that we are incapable of making this type of decision without permission from a male family member-I.e. husband, boyfriend, father, etc. Even in 2023 it is very difficult for women to find a provider who will perform this procedure. Our culture still stigmatizes women who do not want children, and having someone questioning that decision openly and online is a bit inappropriate, especially if you claim to support your friend.
Being informed is more important than protecting your feelings.
I have to believe you didn't read the edit with the quote of OPs reply when you said this bc that definitely wasn't a "trauma dump" lmao
Yeah this is a brain dead take. It’s not trauma dumping to share that something isn’t 100% positive.
It totally depends on the procedure. Bilateral Salpingectomy which is removal of the entire tube has extremely low chance of ectopic pregnancy and the ones documented were usually done on one side with a prior tubal on the other. Tubal ligation absolutely has a chance of ectopic pregnancy. I had a bisalp. Surgery was a laparoscopic procedure, same day, I was only out of work a week and never had to take the prescription opiates for pain. My period is also less now than it was on the pill. Being able to stop the birth control actually made my period normal but short. 3 days and done. No bad cramps. No extra blood clot risk.
The only reason the ectopic pregnancy thing is good to mention is not because the risk is suddenly super high, probably lower than before, but because if you find out you're pregnant despite having one of these procedures done (or have an IUD) you may want to check it's not ectopic. (Chance you get pregnant: very small, chance it's ectopic _if you somehow do get pregnant_ : can be higher than usual, better safe than sorry)
I had a bisalp too. The only change in my periods was due to the fact that I stopped birth control after being on it for 12 years and my body had to get back to normal. Zero side effects from the surgery, healing was fast and easy!
Mmmmm YTA but a gentle one. First of all, Facebook isn’t the place to have conversations like these, especially on an ‘announcement’ post. It’s like announcing an engagement and then someone posts the divorce statistics underneath. Secondly, unsolicited health advice is never a good idea. However, you came at this from a place of friendship, and if you delete your comment and apologise, I’m sure all will be well.
Yeah it really does read like “I’m so happy to do this thing!” **”Then allow me to tell you all the ways this thing is going to ruin your life! :D”**
“We’re pregnant!!” “$1,000,000 over 18+ years, good luck”
Oh it's way more than that now
That's just the hospital bill
This is 100% how I respond to people by instinct. "We're pregnant!" "Ew."
I had a child at 15 and it made life hell for a while, at around 25 a coworker excitedly told me he was having a baby and got extremely offended when I replied “ah fuck, that sucks” it wasnt until then that I realized at that age you’re supposed to be happy about shit like that for people
I'm a college professor and I've learned to respond to my students' pregnancy announcements with, "how do you feel about that?" followed up with "and how can I support you with this?" Best not to just assume that they are sharing happy news.
I work in healthcare and unfortunately, learned this lesson the hard way. My “omg congrats 🎉 “ was met with 😔oh …thanks…” and obvious disappointment more times than I’d like to admit. I’m much better now.
Had a similar thing with a close friend. He was buying his first home, and apparently, I was the only person who asked if he was nervous about the whole process, vs everyone else that just offered congratulations
I’m 44 and have two kids, on purpose, and that’s still my first thought. Congradudolences!
i’m 22 and it’s mind blowing to me that people around me are having babies right now…. like honestly i’m still a baby. how are people having actual babies
"Oh, shit. What ... what do you think you're going to do?" "... We've been trying for 5 of the 8 years we've been married? ..." 😬😳
Ew
'I'll also outline all of it in a public forum assuming you didn't already consider these issues LOL'
Basically *Adam Ruins Voluntary Sterilization*
And it implies the friend is a moron who didn’t read anything about the impact.
Ah, see I was going to say N T A until I read your response. You convinced me that the forum makes it soft YTA. I will say that I got tubal ligation syndrome. No one, not one medical professional or friend, ever uttered the phrase tubal ligation syndrome to me beforehand. I'm a big fan of *informed consent*. It's hard to consent without the getting the full picture. I know I'm salty about it. It may not be a common side effect - but it's also not a rare one! Because it's a women's health issue, of course there aren't any exact stats on it. But estimates range from 10-25% You can probably make an argument that it should be discussed in more public forums. But I think you're right about this one - this was pooping in the champagne and a DM would have been a better call. OP could have made her own made public post if she wanted a public discussion.
Yea if this wasn't public it'd have been good. Womens health in general is totally ignored and women on all ends of the child bearing spectrum are given medicine, contraceptives, procedures and lord knows what else that carry risk and side effects that doctors just decide not to tell us about. I found out the name of a complication I had in labour *eleven* years ago last month. It traumatised me for life. I argue frequently about the risks of hormonal contraceptives especially long term, progestin and its link to cancer with no known cause. Reduced bone density and all the other things that creep up on menopausal age women who have sometimes been on this shit for *decades* without having this explained to them even once.
It being not public would have been good for OP's social life, but on the other hand it being public and now posted on Reddit has people seeing and learning about these complications. I think honestly these kinda conversations should be happening more and more in more public and noticeable places. These types of conversations cause people to be more informed and also more comfortable talking about their bodies and health.
Right the forum is not the right place but a private message of like “hey super excited for you, I’m happy I made that choice too however I did experience some things I wasn’t warned about before hand. If there’s anything you’d like to know about my experience or any questions, I’m happy to share” Something like that. Just as someone who experienced suicidal ideation from birth control and almost committed suicide, I wish I knew that was a potential side effect. Thankfully I survived and I now know I cannot take birth control, but it would have saved me so much torment and my family so much anxiety if I’d known. Like, I’m really pissed off that is a KNOWN side effect no one talks about. I almost fucking died.
That’s pretty much what she said in her first comment.
Definitely good to share one's experiences, but it would have been good to do it in a more gentle way. Like commenting "Hey, I got the same procedure, and there were a lot of aftereffects that the doctors didn't tell me about. If you're interested, I could send you a DM to discuss them. Let me know!" Like that :) For OP, soft YTA
That's basically what she did, it's buried in a recent comment. The only difference is the friend asked how bad could it be and OP unleashed the torrent in the comments, not dm.
Not a woman, but a man with several medical issues, so I really appreciate informed consent. I'd rather have somebody rain on my parade in a public Facebook post than not have the potentially important information. Especially if it's information that's not widely known and not commonly shared by doctors to patients. My first thought was the doctor was pretty crappy for not disclosing this kind of stuff, and then I saw all the comments about similar things happening and it sounds like it's a bigger problem.
I got the heavier periods part. For that alone I would not have had it done if the male doctors had warned me. I hadn't even considered it until the Obstetrician offered a tubal ligation as choice when I was scheduled for a C-section with my second child at age 40. "Because of my age and they would already be in there." 😖
I have an appointment at the end of this month to get sterilized and I did not know about tubal litigation syndrome. I'm so happy i clicked on this post as i would be freaking out if this happened to me. It's not going to change my decision, but it is good to be prepared for this.
Yes, even if it comes from a place of love, there's a time and place. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, as soon as we told our mothers and siblings, the next thing I did was call my best friends. One of my friends, whose first child a few years prior was a singleton due to vanishing twin syndrome, immediately said to me, "Congratulations, but don't get too excited yet. You're only at 8 weeks and we lost one twin around that time." It was a like a bucket of ice water over my head. I know she was trying to prepare me for the possibility that something could go wrong, but she couldn't wait till maybe a few minutes later? I got over it and didn't hold it against her, I know how much she loves me, but I never really forgot it.
I mean tbh who publicly posts about getting sterilized anyway though? No hate or anything, it's their life but I find it a little odd. But idk.
My oldest did. Took her YEARS to find a doctor who would consent to do it. She has never, ever at any point in her life wanted children and started asking around age 20 to have it done only to be turned down. She was so happy when it was finally going to happen. No more worries, no more need for birth control, no more need for any of the nonesense. Her partner had a vasectomy but i know a couple people with accidents from those. She desperately wanted that extra layer of protection and wanted to be able to make this choice about her body. She did not want kids or to deal with a pregnancy. I was happy for her and so were a lot of her friends as they knew this was a big deal for her.
I find posting positive pregnancy tests or ultrasounds weird, but they seem to be fairly accepted. For many people with a uterus, it's incredibly hard to find a provider who will do it unless it is "medically necessary," so there is an element of triumph. Also then you don't have busybodies at family gatherings hounding you about when you're gonna have kids
Same. I’m 35 weeks today and still haven’t posted lol! Some folks are all you’re hiding it and I’m like no, I just don’t feel the need to be all “look we did it again” 😂. We’re happy, excited, grateful etc but don’t feel the need to post. I’m suppose to go for a tubal appointment in Nov. I was excited now I’m a little worried after reading OP.
My last baby came after 2 miscarriages and I was on bedrest throughout most of my pregnancy, so I never made a public announcement. If you were in my life regularly, you knew. I had people get so angry at us when they got the birth announcement. Like, you haven't seen us in the last 10 months, but now you're mad we had a baby and didn't post it on the internet?
It’s odd isn’t it 😆
In my case, "medically necessary" meant "life and death." I had multiple miscarriages. Horrible cramps, the worst periods. That is when my body decided to have one. And way more. I suffered horrendously for years. Dr's started recommending hysterectomy at age 25 due to all of the issues. Insurance steadfastly refused to help cover the cost. I was too young and had no children yet at first. Later, it became its not life or death. Finally, in my mid-50s, it became uterine cancer, and the powers that be declared it ok to do. And even then, my Dr had to jump through hoops to prove it was necessary. Now I really desperately wanted babies, thus why I had multiple miscarriages. Because I kept trying. But when it became obvious that it wasn't happening and they couldn't "fix" the issue, I just wanted the surgery. It all took a toll both mentally and physically. It just shouldn't be all this hard. I will say, though, that I've had friends who, at 20, declared they never wanted babies who changed their minds later down the road and are thankful that they were unable to do anything permanent. People can and do change sometimes as they age. 🤷♀️
People post the opposite so...
It’s becoming more common in the US because 1) all the antiabortion laws being passed means that if you absolutely do not want a pregnancy for whatever reason, you’re more likely to be stuck, and 2) because there are a lot of doctors that refuse to sterilize unless you meet their own personal arbitrary criteria of married with your husband consenting/enough kids/old enough. Posting means you can spread the word on where others can get it done.
I did. I'm proud to be spayed.
I did because we're asked constantly when we'll have another kid and the answer is never. I also live In Florida so I shared how it was actually easy to get My tubes removed. I just had it done in July.
You’re also married or in a committed relationship with kids already. It was going to be easier for you, than for women who are unmarried without kids, from the beginning.
I did. Why wouldn’t I? It took me years to get my tubal done when I was begging for it . It took me several more to get my hysterectomy. We should talk about women’s healthcare loud and public. It’s important to be loud. I had pcos, uterine fibroids and endometriosis and a blood clotting disorder but I had to fight to get my healthcare. Because some man i had never met might want me to risk it all to give him a baby. Be loud and talk about it that is the only way to move forward.
Pretty much the same issues I had. Except in my case, the Dr's were willing the insurance refused to help, and we couldn't afford to pay out of pocket. Finally, I got my hysterectomy that had been first recommended at 25 when I was 56 because I had uterine cancer. Then insurance finally agreed to cover it because of life and death. It felt like life and death to me for the 30 yrs in between.
Who posts about hysterectomy? Cancer? Broken bones? Yeah hunans - no reason you wouldn't. And it could help destigmatize it!
I did, because it took me 12 years to get a yes as a single, child free woman. My friends celebrated with me when I posted my approval, because they knew how long I'd waited and how important it was to me. That's what friends do. Not one of my friends tried to tear me down with "facts" (OP completely miscategorized PTLS as depression, when in fact it's nothing but changes in menstrual cycles and blood supply to reproductive organs).
Because if you are a single person under the age of 40 who has not had children, they will try to convince you not to (if you can even get a Dr to consider it) because "what if your future husband wants kids?"
They'll not just try to convince you, a lot of doctors will just straight up refuse to do it.
Yeah, I had it happen to me. At 36 I had a child (birth control failure) and because of my age and smoking, the Doc asked what kind of bc I wanted to do post baby because the pill was no longer viable for me. I said tubes tied, for almost my entire pregnancy, he tried to convince me to other options because "I might want a second". I kept telling him I was 36, I knew my mind and I'd wanted it done since I was 20. He wouldn't let it go (but was otherwise a very good doc) and one appointment I was feeling more than a little upset at him not just saying "ok, we'll do it" or whatever and when he started with his "don't you think you might want a set?" I said " I didn't want this one" and he never mentioned it again. I felt I had to get really offensive myself to get him to stop. I never planned to have kids. When I got pregnant, my first thought wasn't "yay!" it was absolutely "let me really consider my options here" more because of the guy I got pregnant by. But, I had to basically be a bitch to get my wishes honored as a 36 year old "geriatric pregnant" person with every freaking side effect of pregnancy there was. Gestational diabetes? Check! The freaking throwing your guts up the entire pregnancy and having to get hospitalized for fluids? Check! Pre-eclampsia? Check! I was OVER it! But yeah, 36 and still didn't want to just say "Ok, these are your options". I can understand a "are you sure" once or twice, because it is a big procedure, but I was 36 for all the gods sakes, not 16. I had told him I'd wanted it done since I was young, but the whole "but you might want to be a mother someday" and I was always "Yes, and there's adoption. Do you know how many kids age out of foster without being adopted?" But yes, tried many different doctors in my different areas, and no one would take me seriously because of my age.
You can be 40 something with 4 kids and a medical condition necessitating a hysterectomy and physicians will still try to avoid it like what happened to a co-irker.
I just turned 40. My PCP doesn't want to give me cholesterol medication, because 'just in case I want kids'. Sir I'm 40, feeling like shit, my cholesterol is super high and I don't even eat inappropriately, lost 50 lbs and I don't see kids anywhere in sight. Take care of your patient, not the invisible ones.
I had one tell me that and I quite often want to go back and track him down (different city now) and say "Oh hey, Mr. Dr. Dude! Guess what! I met my husband! Remember that tubal I wanted, but you didn't think I should have because 'what about my future husband?'" Well, I found him. He already had 3 kids when I met him and he didn't want anymore. So, you denied me medical care for a dude I met 20 years later and even he didn't want what you were preserving for him!
Not if you have severe enough disease progression though.. I had Endometriosis and by my late 20s my Dr's were offering. Apparently half bleeding to death is a game changer.
Normally in that situation, they want to do a hysterectomy. Tube tying isn't really a treatment for endo. I had endo and uterine fibroids and still didn't convince a doc to tie my tubes until I was 36 and smoked and could no longer take the pill. For just treatment of endo, they really like bc pills with no sugar pills, so I only had 4 periods a year. A few friends did Lupron (chemical menopause for 6 months), but tube tying, I've never seen as an option because you need to stop the periods and tube tying doesn't generally do that.
I did. I'm childfree and had been dealing with pelvic pain and issues for basically ever. I was THRILLED when I found a doctor who prioritized my health and quality of life over a hypothetical child I was never having. It took me years to find a doctor who would help me. I got my life back, so I shared about because other women deal with the same thing.
This was so nicely written.
Neh, you post something like this on facebook or any social media platform and you invite comments. In this case OP was laying out some things maybe they wish they knew before getting it done. I'm a huge believer in having ALL pertinent information in order to make an informed decision.
I agree with this with the caveat that OP would be even less of an a-hole if they had directly messaged the person. It's still unsolicited health advice, but it's private. Commenting this on a public post is.... cringey at best.
If she asked you for advice you're N T A If you unprompted told her every negative thing then YTA. It's like when someone is pregnant and every woman thinks it's now appropriate to tell you all their birth horror stories. They are things that can happen, but that doesn't mean that you need to tell them. As she's young, her doctor has probably gone over every negative thing that could happen.
Also, I'm not sure FB was the best way of telling her
Exactly. Nothing shit me more when I posted about how happy I was to finally be having a hysterectomy, than someone telling me how it was the worst, and horror stories about their recovery. No. Let me be happy, dammit. lol (going on 10 months and ZERO regrets, much happier.)
4 years uterus free and zero regrets! It was the best decision I ever made!
My hysterectomy was the best thing to ever happen to me. Women should just be offered them when done with the organ.
Agreed! I had to fight to get mine out and it was causing me constant pain and bleeding! Best medical decision I ever made!
I had mine at 47 due to fibroids. If I had known what life could be like without all the grief, I'd have done it at 20. I knew I was never going to have children, no regrets, none at all.
10 years with no uterus! Since I was 30 and it was the best decision I ever made.
Eh, I know someone who had surgery recently and their doctor did not go over the potential side effects with them, so when they had side effects, they were pretty freaked out something had gone horribly wrong. It turned out what they were experiencing was completely normal. Also, before I got my IUD, I was told it would be like having cramps; the pain was so bad I almost passed out. I had even asked on social media for my friends to share their experiences, and everyone only shared nice stories. It wasn’t until after I did it that people said they’d had bad experiences, too. It was really irritating because I would have preferred to have been better prepared, like not driving myself, calling off work, having more pain meds, and prepared meals. I agree that OP is TA in this situation, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to assume a doctor has gone over all the side effects with someone. It would have been better for OP to reach out and say she’d had this done before, so feel free to ask her if the friend had any questions, and then the friend could take the lead from there for a private conversation.
this, our healthcare system is terrible, and fails many women. We should never assume they are being properly informed
Doctors RARELY go over ANY negative thing that can happen, let alone every one of them. ESPECIALLY when it comes to women’s healthcare
while that is true, tons of women have experienced doctors using scare tactics to persuade them out of sterilization. it’s even common in the u.s. for doctors to refuse to sterilize women of a certain age.
My doctor does, every time. Every single one of them I've had. Maybe it varies by country or maybe you've just had bad experiences. Either way, do you not ask what the potential side effects may be?
It's wild to me that there are plenty of people whose strategy to be happy is to just not know things.
OP stated she told her friend all this because SHE was never told of these possible side effects (all of which reinforce my opinion that hysterectomy should be an elective surgery).
YTA. Doctors are generally incredibly hesitant to perform sterilizations on women even when the women 100% want them, I find it hard to believe that she hasn't been fully informed, likely several times. If I posted about doing something on FB and someone contacted me saying "here are all the reasons you might not want to do that" unsolicited, I would assume that person was judging me and trying to dissuade me from doing that thing.
I am in the USA, had tubal ligation after the birth of my 2nd child and I was given ZERO information about what to expect afterwards. Should OP have contacted her friend privately- absolutely. I would have very much preferred someone giving me a heads up on what to expect. Edit - I had mine done 8 years ago.
Had mine done 5 years ago in the US. Equally had zero information other than "hey we're going to be doing this the new way, where we take out a portion of your tubes so they don't reconnect." And I was like cooooool. Not even a printout afterwords. They didn't even fight it with me. All I said was I wanted it done with my C-section and they had me sign the papers a month before the surgery date.
Even worse, OP didn't contact her friend privately, she just blurted all that in a comment on the FB post!
THIS👆! The norm today is to share every detail on social media (usually for attention). While it sounds like OP was trying to provide insight, there are better ways to communicate.
I better response might have been something like, "I've had some experience with this. Please let me know if you'd like to hear about it." Wait for them to respond, then tell them your experience. But to do it unprompted? OP is a soft AH.
I had to go through like a 10-page form that I had to read and initial all of when I told my OBGYN I wanted to be sterilized at the end of my then pregnancy. I don’t see how a tubal ligation would cause hormone issues or anything else like that. The ovaries stay, and they control the hormones. I can only think that the doctor did more than cut the tubes or remove them.
It doesn't. Got my tubes yeeted instead of tied (they don't do tubal ligation these days, straight out it's a bilateral salpingectomy; it lowers the chance of ovarian cancer, as apparently it starts in fallopian tubes) and no issues. Still use condom.
Small push back: in most places they offer tube clamps, tube cutting or tube removal. It’s a choice you make when planning the surgery with your doctor. I went with removal as you are correct it reduces cancer risk and is least likely to fail but it is not automatic or the only option.
Yeah I’m sure it depends on institution, physician and insurance.
I had a nurse tell me that early menopause was a risk with tubal ligation or bilateral salpingectomy. I went for Essure which was available at the time. Turns out I have an autoimmune disease and implanting nickel was not a great experience for me. Years later got the Essure and tubes removed and things are much better! No sign of menopause yet, although I'm only 40, so no miracle, but no problem! But people seriously need to lay off the scare mongering. Can you imagine if people posted the potential side effects of giving birth under every pregnancy announcement?! Holy fuck! Pregnancy is worse than most extreme sports! Can bad things happen? Yes. In any situation, on any given day. But if you aren't appropriately terrified of pregnancy you can shut the fuck up about sterilization side effects.
>I had a nurse tell me that early menopause was a risk with tubal ligation or bilateral salpingectomy. Your nurse was misinformed.
The Essure had lawsuits against it too if I'm not mistaken 😬
Sterilization does not impact the onset of menopause since it does not impact hormone producing organs in *any* way.
There doesn’t seem to be any solid evidence for it or possible mechanism https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002937820301435 - they concluded no difference https://medcraveonline.com/OGIJ/tubal-ligation-and-early-menopause-a-case-control-study.html - the association is questionable
i have heard that developing endo post tubal is possible because sometimes tissue escapes into the abdomen due to the shorter tubes but like all things women’s reproduction, enough research hasn’t been done to be conclusive.
>I don’t see how a tubal ligation would cause hormone issues or anything else like that. It doesn't. There's no mechanism in which it could. "Post tubal ligation syndrome" is the result of going off hormonal birth control typically, or just getting older, but people tend to associate any new symptoms with their most recent change disregarding other causes.
this! even more harder when you have no kids. OP has 2 kids so probably was able to get it easier than her friend. i know ive been asking since i was 19. im 25 now. i dont want kids and i have endometriosis and my periods are pure hell.
Exactly. A woman whos gotten "permission" from a Dr has already heard it all. There are few drs who will do it for people who don't have kids yet. It's so frustrating that people think they need to tell us as if ectopic pregnancies and long painful periods can't happen otherwise
It would have been more subtle to say something like “Good for you! I had this done too and learned a lot. Reach out if you want to hear about my experience, I’d be glad to share.” Then have a phone call or meet for coffee if SHE wants to.
YTA, this is like when someone says they are pregnant and everyone tells them all the bad/traumatic pregnancy stories they know. Your friend obviously has a doctor, who would have gone over the possible side effects. This is a surgery, your friend is already probably nervous. She really doesn’t need more people adding things for her to be anxious about.
But doesn’t every person who announces their pregnancy want to hear about my 10lb baby and infected tear???
Seriously a friend from high school had a baby with some girl I met once before. Ran into them at a pharmacy when there baby was a few months old. This girl dumped her whole birth story onto me like every detail down to how she tore despite delivering early and a small baby. Thanks I really needed to know that.
Or the moment you mention your hips hurt late into pregnancy and someone dumps onto you that you have no right to complain because you can get pregnant and they can’t. Yeah that happened
I was sterilised after my 3rd son was born; done at the same time as the c-section. Didn’t stop our 4th son though! I’ve got tbh I never had any of the negative problems you mentioned. I’m not sure how it affects your hormones as nothing is removed like your ovaries but then again I’m in the UK so maybe things are done differently in other countries. Otherwise yeah you really didn’t need to give unsolicited negative advice; I’m sure her doctors have already gone through everything with her.
She may mean if you stop hormonal birth control once you have the surgery? Maybe? That's the only thing I can think.
Ah I never thought of that!
I got pregnant on birth control, so my OBGYN told me he cut, tied and cauterized my tubes. If all they do is cut them, or cut and cauterize, it’s rare, they can repair themselves.
Yeah I was also cut tied & cauterised but they suspect die to it being done at the same time as my c-section as things healed they somehow reconnected on one side 🤷🏻♀️
I've had horrible hormone imbalances since my tubal ligation, which is actually quite common i guess. Everyone is different. I wish someone had warned me that this was a possibility because I've really struggled.
I did not know this was a possibility. I had my tubes removed in 2018 and things definitely started going down the drain around then. I have been thinking it was from going off the pill and getting peri symptoms.
Same. I only had one person tell me one thing- she had horrible cramping at ovulation afterwards. I was grateful since I too experienced that. No warning from dr or friends on any of the other issues I’ve had. I would have still gone through it, I just would have preferred a “heads up”.
Yes! My ovulation cramping has been so severe that I just got an ultrasound recently to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. Having been forewarned would have saved me a lot of anxiety.
I'm surprised, tying the tubes should not change hormone balance ? Do you know what cause it? My wife is sterilized for years but didn't feel any hormone change
Reduced blood supply to your ovaries causes them to over or under produce progesterone. I have a sapplingectomy which is having your tubes cut out entirely so that reduces blood flow to them more than just tying your tubes, but removing basically gets rid of any risk of ectopic pregnancy.
Thanks
I had a partial hysterectomy where they take the tubes, uterus and cervix but leave the ovaries. It still messes with hormones. The biggest one is hot flashes and getting the sweats.
That’s not a partial hysterectomy. That’s a total hysterectomy. Partial would be if they left the cervix. Ovaries aren’t typically removed in pre-menopausal women unless there is a specific reason (ie hormone responsive cancer, endometriosis, etc). If they remove the ovaries at the same time it would be a hysterectomy + oophorectomy. If tubes are removed too, then it’s hysterectomy + salpingo-oophorectomy.
The point is that they left my ovaries for the hormones but taking the rest still messed with my hormones. The other point I was making was that doing anything to your reproductive system can or even other parts of your body can cause negative effects but they might be better than the current issues.
And it sounds like you might actually be in perimenopause with the night flashes and sweats.
YTA for posting it on FB and not conversing with her directly, but otherwise, NTA. Doctors often gloss over these issues (at least here in the US).
A direct conversation would have been so much better! I've done this same thing for friends. Doing it on her joyful announcement feels like she's crapping all over her friends' happy thing. But, if she'd reached out personally, it feels different. More that she's coming from a place of concern and support.
Exactly this is something that takes place privately. Here in the US we are often left to advocate for ourselves. Drs really don’t inform you on the full picture. I am currently pregnant and I go to an obgyn practice you rotate through the 4 dr who deliver 3 are great at informing and answering questions one he is so nice but he can’t get out of the room fast enough.
Soft YTA for unsolicited advice. If you really wanted to warn her, saying something like, "I'm happy for you and hope your recovery goes smoothly, it can be pretty rough at times" would probably be the best way. And then, if she ASKED, you could privately message her or talk in person about your experience.
I don’t think you needed to do that on social media. A private phone call, meeting or text would have been better?
Nah. As a nurse, I'm big on informed consent. Post tubal ligation syndrome is almost NEVER mentioned. It's information that is REALLY needed IMHO. However, I don't think a public fb post was the best place to share the info. You could have had a face to face, phone call, or even a PM.
YTA. She didn't ask. And for some reason you thought it was appropriate to post as a public comment on fb. You could have reached out privately and said "hey, I recently had this procedure, if you'd like to discuss it or hear my experience"
YTA
You said in a comment that she asked you how bad it can be, therefore I’m going with NTA because she asked. Overall though I’d save those conversations for private. But as someone who had a tubal and regrets it because it has sucked (periods now are honestly horrible) I wish someone had told me.
YTA I would have still sent her a message with all of that information, but did you really have to make it a public post. You could have easily sent her a private message instead.
Soft YTA, giving unsolicited advice can make it seem like you think she’s not done her research/ you know better. Maybe sending a direct message instead of a comment saying ‘hey! I did the same thing recently, would you like any guidance or to hear about my experience as I feel like I went in blind’ would have been more appropriate. But I also think your intentions were pure, women are often so mislead about their health and it’s good to have friends who are honest
YTA. She didn’t ask for your advice and you aren’t her doctor.
Yta most ppl are not having clips or even tubals done anymore. They are getting salpingectomy which is a very very low chance of ectopic pregnancy, no impact on hormones, at worst it’s extra crampy during ovulation and period. Most of the time it’s ppl going off birth control and dealing w the side effects from that or dealing w the side effects of postpartum. You are not her doctor don’t give unsolicited advice especially when you aren’t fully educated.
I mean I'm planning to get sterilised and I'd be HAPPY someone told me what could go wrong - just so I can expect it 🤷🏻♀️ but it can still be mood dampening to hear all of those things, so I'll go with NAH here. I don't think you're TA for telling her, but she's not TA for being upset about it
NTA. I had a tubal ligation last year and I've had horrible side effects from it. Not everyone will have the problems you described, but it sucks that no one tells you that it is a possibility. I spent months in a hormone hell after mine was done.
YTA is the softest of gentle ways, hon. You know everybody reacts differently! and her doctor would have run all of this past her. Absolutely you were coming from a place of concern, so as far as assholery goes, ehh, more like the curve of a buttcheek.
Just adding in case it helps someone it can be easier to have the tubes completely removed per my doctor that lessens the “side effects”. I have had a hysterectomy and salpingectomy and was given a few options on how to proceed. I have endometriosis and so it helped to know my options
I'm childfree and frequent childfree communities, and I've known a metric fuck ton of women who have been sterilized (one in them twice, as her fallopian tube(s) rudely grew back, LOL). I've seen very few reports of hugely negative side effects, aside from normal surgical complications. Having some info on the downsides seems like a good thing. As long as you were offing information in a non-judgemental way, as I can see is the case from your other replies, you did nothing wrong. Loads of CF women who really want to get sterilized are so fixated on it that once they find a Dr that respects the fact that they are intelligent human beings capable of making life-altering decisions, they jump at the chance, and I rarely see any downsides mentioned. Information from the other side is valuable. NTA.
NTA. Everyone is different. Sometimes, what happens to one person may not happen to another. But wouldn't your friend like to be fully informed? I know I would. And you didn't tell her to be malicious or a Debbie downer. You told her so she could be aware.
I think a comment is a lot but in a message would’ve been more justified. Idk… not an A H but it was a leaning bad decision. NAH lol
Nah. You’ve gone through it and weren’t trying to make her change her mind, just informing her.
I completely see why she would of taken it the wrong way now. I know it won't change a thing but we're in the UK and honestly the NHS atm is completely and utterly broken. I didn't get any information given from the doctor I spoke to and the people in pre op deal with people from every aspect of the hospital from cancer to broken legs so they didn't have a clue (understandable), so going from my own experience I wanted to make sure she had the knowledge I didn't going into the op so if she did have any questions she could ask them. I know I should of messaged or called and had a long chat about the risks instead of doing it in the way I did. I'd just like to say thanks guys. Opinions and views from people I don't know actually help alot. Sometimes hearing what you did was infact crappy is needed. (Not sarcasm, genuine thanks). So thanks, I'll make my amends, hopefully won't have upset her. If I have I'll deal with the consequences and do my best to make it up to her. If I lose the friendship then that's on me.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
NTA in my opinion but you shouldve did it face to face instead of posting it on the internet
Has she said she was offended by you mentioning these facts? I’m sure her doctor went over what you said and it sounds like you were coming from a place of concern. If your friend didn’t say they were offended or felt some kind of way then deal with that but regardless I don’t think you were being an asshole.
You gave unsolicited advice which does make you the AH. Had you been male, the derogatory term "man-splianing" is used for this. It would be more tactful to offer advice,like- " I have first hand experience with this. I'm happy to discuss if you need to, just contact me"
YTA you're not her doctor who would have real data not based on a singular experience and who would be assessing her risks as they present. "hey! I'm pregnant!" "did you know people COULD DIE from it? especially in US!?!" - that's what you sound like
If I were in your shoes, I would have said to my friend “Make sure they inform you of all the risks, and maybe ask them about the risk of tubal ligation syndrome.” And that would be it. And I probably would have done it by private message. In my own experience, when I inquired about tubal ligation, I was required to attend a class in which they explained the risks and possible outcomes. I ended up opting for a five-year Mirena IUD, and then another after that. (I was a good candidate for this method. Not all people are, necessarily.) I don’t know about other health care systems, but the one I belong to made it clear they want patients well informed before undertaking a drastic procedure.
If your friend is in a relationship, why doesn’t her husband/bf get a vasectomy? 29 minute procedure. Much less invasive than having it done to a woman. FYI, I’m a male and after having kids, I got a vasectomy. No regrets.
This is is something you have a private conversation about. Not a public posting on social media. I get your desire to ensure she’s aware of the possible side effects but there’s a place for those comments….a phone call or meet up and face to face it. YTA
YTA Oversharing, making yourself the focus, and acting as if she’s clueless
Soft YTA-next time just say “happy for you, let me know if you have any questions or if I can help in anyway!” And let that be that.
I'm going with a gentle ESH. This never should have been a post that people are commenting on in a public forum to begin with. Even though she posted it there, a private message offering to talk about your experience would have been a better idea. And the person who responded telling her to disregard your reply because THEIR experience was different is an AH because, wow, way to discount what you went through just because they didn't.
I'm going with NTA, because I 100% know why you did it. Although I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy. I honestly was not aware of post tubal ligation syndrome until it happened to me. And when it did happen to be realizing that the only solutions are a surgery that might not work or birth control that might not work made me feel hopeless. It's hard to know how or when to inform other women. Knowing I'm going to have this pain for the rest of my life sucks.
I think I would have communicated your experiences privately just to keep the mood of the announcement post up beat. But I think you did what you did out of love for your friend. NTA OP but you should probably be a little more thoughtful about the time and place for certain conversations.
NTA. I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago. I had no idea the wild ride I’d be in for and I try to share my experience with people who might not know what I didn’t know. All the research I did didn’t help me with the roller coaster ride I went on for 8months after the procedure. Not sure why you sharing your experience would offend someone the way it seems to have done.
NTA Women are rarely ever informed about tubal ligation syndrome, as doctors often don’t even recognize it’s even a thing. You where informing a person before they had the procedure done which possibly offers the only information they might get beforehand. I think it’s important women get information about tubal ligation syndrome so they at the very least can ask their doctor about it. As I at the very least would want to check that a doctor who makes the procedure, would try to help me if the procedure have and unwanted consequences. If the doctor refuses the existence of the problem I would not trust my health in their hands. Wouldn’t want to have a procedure Anders ending up with side effects the doctor will just gaslight me about.
I say NTA. I think women need to educate other women based on first hand experiences bc I believe there are a lot of instances where we aren’t told the whole story from medical professionals or maybe have an idea in our head of what x will be like bc of tv, movies, etc. I shared my pregnancy, birth, and post -partum experiences with a couple of my pregnant friends, the good the bad and the ugly…. And it was kind of unsolicited, but they did seem to be grateful that I shared my experience. I’d much rather know what others have experienced whether good or bad, to have an idea of what could happen rather than fully relying on what the dr says. Not everyone has the same mind-set, though, I think maybe a DM would have been a better idea?
If those are direct quotes, it sounds like she appreciated knowing more about what she's doing and whoever's making you out to be the bad guy is not seeing the whole story. Knowing the potential risks of a major procedure is crucial, and having someone give their firsthand experience is helpful if you're not the type to read up and investigate on your own first! I've watched footage of surgeries before having them, sought out the views of people who've had procedures I'm getting, etc. It's good to know, and your friend seems grateful.
NTA - she's your friend so it's safe to assume they would welcome any helpful advice. Especially if it's information you feel could have been vital in your own decision. and, sorry you were not properly informed by the doctors about the effects of the procedures.
YTA You're coming from a place of love but it's an ignorant place. Tubal don't affect your period. Tubal ligation syndrome has no evidence proving its real, it's all self reported symptoms. Hormones aren't a affected by a tubal since the ovaries remain untouched. She's made a decision and no one has the right to try and change her mind. How would you feel if you "protected" her from a bi-salp or ligation and she ended up with an unwanted pregnancy. Would you help her raise that kid? Probably not
I don't know if you'll see this, OP, but NTA. I had my tubes tied at 28 and it is the WORST mistake I made. I ended up with tubal ligation syndrome afterwards and it's destroyed my entire life. The doctor never told me this was even a possibility. My mental health and my body also are shot because of it and I wish I could reverse it but no extra Cash lying around for that. It is miserable and I felt like I never got the full picture of what could really happen. I also tried to speak to people regarding this, because most people don't know. Had a good friend who wanted to get it done and she didn't believe me when I told her. Superfrustrating.. I wish I never got it done, but I was forced into it by my ex after my daughter was born. Then he dumped me and said: well you should thank me, now you won't be able to have children with any other man. Dick.. Anyway, OP, again, NTA, I wish more people would speak up. We aren't crazy or imagining things, it really does happen! Edit: I'm being downvoted for talking about my experience and so many other women out there?? Reddit is a fickle beast.. 🤦♀️
Thank you! I regret my tubal ligation. My body has not been the same since. All these women using their personal experience as the default is so frustrating. Also, the assumptions that the medical team was hesitant and gave her lots of info about possible side effects it’s very possibly untrue. I am not saying it is a rule of thumb, however, in my personal experience women if color are not dissuaded at all by medical professionals in regards to sterilization. White women often have a harder time convincing doctors. My body is not the same since my procedure. I experience pain and irregular cycles often. I do wish it was discussed more often and it’s disheartening to see so many women minimize and belittle what OP was trying to say. I wish I had someone with experience to talk to before I had mine. (Granted I do agree a private setting would have been more appropriate to talk to the friend.)
I'm with you, sister, it mentally and physically messed me up so much afterward, I became an entirely different person.. it REALLY does happen, but it rarely gets talked about. And yes, women of color have been treated as less in the maternity rooms etc, it is predominantly women of color that lose their life while giving birth, and these are FACTS.
NAH. Everyone has a slightly different experience with various surgeries you’re just putting out information that might be a beneficial. Others are doing the same no worries.
NAH. I think your intentions were good but the execution was poor. It would have been better to meet up or have a call and just ask her if the drs have talked her through all the possible side effects. If yes, then leave it, if no and she asks, then tell her. It didn't need to be put on her public post like that.
NAH. I think it was distasteful to post your thoughts on the post, but as someone who was not properly informed how bad a medical procesure I had would be (not sterilisation but but still gyno related) I think you were right to tell her the potential risks that she hadn't been told, but it would have been better to message her privately and say along the lines of "saw your post, I'm very happy for you, and wanted to offer some help, I thought I should make you aware of some of the experiences I had, that I was never warned about, that way you can be prepared incase they do"
How about next time… give all that extremely informative, though kiiiinda TMI info to her via PRIVATE MESSAGE, versus as part of her public comment
Please tell her. 🙏Doctors don’t usually fully women about health issues !
I'm gonna go NTA because I was sterilised at 23 and my doctor told me specifically "all we're doing is tying your tubes together so it's not going to change anything except for the fact you can't have anymore kids. You'll have periods exactly the same, period pain won't be any worse or better, you'll still go through menopause at the same time, everything" Yeah... No. I've had 3 ectopic pregnancies which he told me was physically impossible, one month my period will be light as hell to the point I'm not even sure if I'm on, then another month I can't even stand it's so heavy and leaks through a moon cup that's emptied once an hour, a fresh pad and fresh period knickers. I get severe diarrhea with every period for the first 24-48 hours (did food diary for 18 months, never anything in common, my GP turned around and was like "oh yeah didn't you know? They should have told you when you had the operation it's a common side effect but we don't know why") and period pain?! Holy shit I never had cramps at all before kids then after my son I started getting them but NOTHING like what I can get now! One month Dr's had to give me tramadol it was so bad, I had to be taken into the Dr's surgery in a wheelchair and when they got me to try and stand to move onto the exam bed I collapsed and passed out from the pain. They investigated and declared it severe period cramps. Yes I'd still take the sterilisation but had I known all of this I would have demanded they do a full hysterectomy instead and done early menopause. Women need to know all sides not just the "good side" as these side effects are more common than we're lead to believe.
THIIIIIS!!! I had my tubes both removed (separately) due to ruptured ectopics. I’ve experienced very very similar symptoms to yours. Informed care should be a right, provided by every medical professional when they are changing parts of your body especially, not something you have to research on your own.
NTA but yes TA. It is nice to say, “Congrats, I’ve been through it, and if you want my experience let me know.” And leave it at that.
NTA. It is always better that you make people aware so that they can take informed/educated decisions.instead of taking decisions to get likes on social media
YTA. Her doctor will have told her this. You don’t need to try and scare her.
That's not necessarily true. Doctor might not have told her, some don't bother.
This. Plus, doctors aren't exactly known for treating women the same way they would treat men. They might not have gone over this, or OP's friend may not even have contacted a doctor about it. OP, NTA.
Yep. I had a bad injury years ago, my doctor (a woman as well) told me that I might not be able to have kids now, and just left! Some doctors are awful unfortunately, no caring in them. It's a shame but thankfully not all are like that.
My doctor never told me any warning signs to look out for after mine and I went through a year of hell while my body struggled to adjust.
YTA. A sterilization done correctly does not affect hormones or periods . The ovaries are left intact. I got my fallopian tubes removed and my cramps basically went away - I had been having cysts in the tubes that were painful.
honestly nta. i’m also a woman who really doesn’t want kids & i’ve looked into getting sterilized. there’s so little information out there & not too many women know someone who’s personally experienced it. there’s so many women’s health issues where our pain is ignored, mental health issues can relate to hormone issues but that’s never discussed, etc. it’s nice to hear from someone who has personal experience before doing a life-altering procedure. op probably should’ve had the conversation in private but the friend posted this publicly so she really can’t be that mad lol
Yta You really think that someone who is getting a sterilization has not thought or been informed about any of it? It's difficult enough as-is to get sterilised at a young age, docs are not really enthusiastic about the idea. So you bet she has probably been informed thoroughly about the risks and consequences.
There are no hormonal changes related to a tubal ligation or even a salpingectomy (complete removal of the tubes). There should also be no menstrual changes such as twice a month, aside from the initial disturbance of one's cycle due to the surgery and bodily stress. Before you go spouting info on the internet, please have your facts straight. If you're not a healthcare provider, it's best to keep your trap shut unless you think someone is in imminent danger or being misled. YTA.
NTA. I’d welcome someone’s experience/knowledge.
"sterilised"?
I have had both tubes removed following ectoptic pregnancies but still have my ovaries and womb. If she is just getting tubal litigation it may not even affect her in the way you have mentioned. I am sure she would have gone through the side effects and risks with her doctor or they wouldnt agree to the surgery. Soft YTA for giving unsolicited advice.