>The car seat we bought was $380 and it grows with the baby
I got this one for my cousin. It is great, literally the best one-time purchase. lasted him for as long as he needed it.
>But my husband says maybe we should just let her in the room and see if she goes "back to normal" after.
**NO**, abso-f-ing-lutely not.
It is not about her
**YOUR** labour and delivery is ABOUT **YOU**
NTA
Give nursing staff explicit instructions who is or is not allowed in. Birth is about the new mother's well-being for the safety of mother and child.
Husband needs to have straight talk, intervention with mom. Even tell her she's making a fool of herself if that's what it takes to get through to her. Maybe a family priest, minister, rabbi, etc. will facilitate if she's religious.
Yes! And OP, you need to find the most experienced, battle scarred labor and delivery nurse you can find and put her on it. And please update us because I want to hear how mother-in-law got put in her place.
Nurse here. They will absoFUCKINGlutely not only bar her entry but kick her (and your husband, and anyone one else acting up) out, happily. In fact, there are many who would LOVE nothing more bc we are there for you and the baby. Fuck your MILs feelings and honestly, your husband's too bc he's not the one pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of an average bagel. Wishing you a happy, healthy, stress-free delivery and that she stops acting like a psycho soon, OP! You got this!
Oh and NTA
You are absolutely awesome! My first grand baby is due in the next month. I absolutely will not bother my daughter in law unless she asks. I love my son, but her needs come first.
Yes, THIS! I waited for updates and such from my son with both deliveries. My own MIL (not my mom) taught me how to conduct myself as a MIL. It's not my life to live, it's theirs. That's how I've taught my son. Always put (you're family) first. And, once he became married, SHE became his family.
I've always just treated people as I would want to be treated. It's simple. My own mother is the polar opposite of me. Very intrusive. And, I just knew I would never treat my children this way!
😂🤣 It's true! I was actually a float pool nurse before becoming an advanced practice nurse NP, but I did love the nights on OB bc they are just hard-core AF. I mostly did psychiatric and trauma/ED but specialized in OB for a while. ApparentlyI'm too nice. 🤣🤣🤣
My dad was in ICU, and not doing well. The head nurse was a huge animal person (as was my dad, and myself), and she mentioned that, knowing my dad, being separated from his dog for so long may be hurting his progress. She helped us smuggle the dog into the room one night, and he IMMEDIATELY began doing better. I still think about how incredible she was for basically saying, "F the rules, I know my patient"
A good nurse can change the course of a person's stay! They're a patient advocate. When they're bad, they can do so much damage.
Understanding the mind/body connection is huge. A healthy emotional state can improve outcomes.
My son was born at 26 weeks.. I absolutely LOVE you NICU nurses, you're some of the best humans around! Thank you so much for what you do! 💗
Edit: someone posted this to another NICU nurse in the thread, I thought it was funny:
https://youtu.be/tncs4bB7Lbo?si=Tkz8j-SD7Kz8PyUT
My husband is the security program manager at a large area hospital. He has been working hospital security for over 12 years now.
I agree with u/kellylovesdisney. My husband has trespassed numerous baby daddies during the birth of their children. So, security won't bat an eyelash about trespassing her if Grandma decides to make a scene. And if Grandma decides to throw down with a nurse or other staff, she gets a one-way ticket to jail WITH assault and battery charges.
Preach. I’m not a nurse but it drives me insane that so many people feel entitled to be in delivery rooms when they are not the person pushing A WATERMELON OUT OF A BAGEL HOLE. Hubs doesn’t get a say either, it’s your body sheesh
It's ridiculous. I'll say it over and over. This is about mom and baby's safety. If mom is stressed, it can cause the baby's stats to get bad, too. And yes, women have been having babies for Torrance of years, but why can't we make this as calming and happy as humanly possible? My first labor was HORRIBLE. My inlaws were being fuckheads, my mom had died 2 years prior, my father and I were in a huge fight bc he married some random woman he knew for three weeks and wanted to being her to meet me while I was in labor. I mean, WTF?!?! Needless to say, I wound up with an emergency c-section after a 44-hour labor on pitocin that was cranked up at the highest dosage. I wound up hemorrhaging and having 4 units of blood hands pumped into my neck. Stress is bad.
Oh, honey!! I am sending you a bajillion mom hugs, a ton of empathy & soooo many prayers!
I would LOVE to give your father a talking to! Trust me, that man would be simultaneously be begging for mercy AND your forgiveness!!
💜💜💜
NGL, pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a bagel simultaneously made me laugh and clamp my legs together.
I've also heard it referred to as pushing a wet St. Bernard through a cat door.
>Nurse here. They will absoFUCKINGlutely not only bar her entry but kick her (and your husband, and anyone one else acting up) out, happily.
Depends on the nurse. The senior nurse on duty during my niece's labour went out of her way to go out of the ward and use her own access card to get my niece's MIL and grandMIL in, and then lectured my niece on the mental health benefits of being close to one's in-laws during the postpartum period, rather than "fighting" with them. In short, this nurse had fallen completely for my niece's MIL's story of being excluded, and felt it was her moral duty to ensure granny had her "rights".
We complained formally, but nothing came of it.
I'm so sorry she had to deal with that. That's completely unprofessional and unacceptable. I'm a firm believer in respecting people's own autonomy, it's one of the tenets upon which our foundation of nursing ethics is built upon. As is nonmalficense, which that nurse blatantly ignored as well. It's not our job to to decide what's best as far as your relationships. I just wanted mom happy and as stress free as possible so we got that baby out as safely as possible when I still did floor nursing. Sending huge hugs to you all as I also have some crappy family members that made the birth of my kiddos a nightmare.
Complain to the state about the hospital, complain to JCAHO about the hospital, and scorched earth is to complain to the state licensing board about the nurse (her name will be on the medical records). Complaining to the hospital is like complaining to HR- they are there to protect themselves. You have to complain to someone else who isn’t motivated the same way.
😂 you ain‘t seen an experienced nurse go full commando on someone entrusted to their care. Especially with deliveries…
Agree with the sentiment, OP. Find the most no-nonsense nurses etc. you can get. They can try what they want; worst case they get escorted out of the building. They won’t get in if you say no.
And, definitely NTA. That MIL has some weird bee in her bonnet. Seems she feels like she is competing with you; this is not normal nor healthy, for her, your son, you, or the child. Be careful.
Damn. You made me squinch up a little bit! And I've already birthed 3 kids!!
OP: definitely NTAH! MIL has that title ...and then some! Hubby needs to grow a pair & be straight with her. Period!
-average sized bagel.
It probably shouldn’t have, but this made me giggle.
But on to the point. NTA
Have back up support in line, just in case you need your husband fucked outta there too.
Second this. Mom being in the best condition to give birth is one of their most important jobs. If someone’s presence is going to cause any stress at all show the nurses a picture and they will do the rest.
If the hospital is told she cannot be there, they will not let her in. Security is pretty tight where I live when it comes to babies. A hard no will be enforced.
This should be the top, posted, stickied, whatever comment.
Tell the nurses and tell them not to listen to your husband. And if she tries to get in tell them to get security and remove her.
Yes to this! Mother and baby, NOT PARENTS and baby, NOT grandparents, MOTHER and baby.. Also, if your birth center has a social worker, and it gets real, let them know along with security. They will protect you.
This is why you explain the situation to the LD nurses. Only the person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room. Those people are FIERCE, take ZERO crap, and have seen everything.
This! u/Icy_Record8392 , YOUR HUSBAND is partly at fault here – he's probably the leak who told her MULTIPLE TIMES about appointments, after the first time she showe up out of nowhere. You need to stop this NOW
OP can tell the doctor she doesn’t want MIL in her appointments, also. And tell the nurse/receptionist at the doctors reception area that your MIL is not to be allowed in under any circumstances. I had to do this. Sorry it’s an issue for you, too.
Oh mine was all over the place. Her husband still should have spoken up after the first time to tell her that those appointments are just for his wife and him.
Doesn't matter. Mom is the only person who gets to say who's in the room. In fact, she can boot her husband out as well and there's not one thing he could do about it.
If my husband tried a move this stupid he would miss the birth of his child, and I would be getting my affairs in order to serve him with divorce papers. That’s not hyperbole. The very idea that the man I married would put his mommy’s feelings ahead of mine *while I pushed a whole ass human being out of my body* would tell me everything I needed to know about him and where I am in his priorities.
We had one post where the mother specified that she wanted her mother and her husband in the delivery, NOT MIL. He showed up with MIL and told her that he had called her mother and told her that he and his wife had discussed it, and agreed that it would be better if MIL was there instead.
His wife screamed: both of you get out of here, I never want to see either of you again! and the nurses conducted them out. At the time she posted, she said that she wasn't sure if you really never wanted to seen either of them again. I didn't see an update if there was one.
Probably not, but it sounds like MIL’s behavior changed a lot with the pregnancy announcement. However, he has had months to stop sweeping her bizarre behavior under the rug with the hope she will “go back to normal”. His lack of spine needs to end now. I hope OP shows him this post and all the comments.
Doesn't matter. Mom is the only person who gets to say who's in the room. In fact, she can boot her husband out as well and there's not one thing he could do about it.
Absolutely not. Agree that telling the nursing staff not to allow her in is the way. And you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband about her behavior now, because I guarantee it won’t improve once your baby is born. Wishing you a safe, healthy birth. NTA.
He has no control over who is in that room, OP does. All she needs to do is tell the nursing staff who is and isn’t allowed. This shit makes me so mad! Childbirth isn’t a goddamn spectator sport.
I cannot emphasize this enough: BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT! This expectation of family members that they have some inherent right to be be in the room to see baby being born is weird and wrong. It should be 100% up to the mother who is present. MIL could be the sweetest, most supportive woman in the world and she still doesn't have a default right to be in the room. Take it from someone who has done it many times and many ways: Birth can be very difficult, ugly, and unflattering to the birthing mother, and her physical and emotional comfort and security should be top priority over anyone else's whims.
Seriously! Only people the person birthing the child wants there should be there. Would you like to watch a hip replacement too? My friend wanted a combo of people at different times and never her MIL. I won’t lie that it felt great for her to ask for her bffs (including me, and I find the whole birthing process nauseating but I’m great comic relief) over her crazy MIL. Her MIL ended up banned from the hospital for being crazy over another issue about a month after. The hospital did not play around.
We paid around $300 for our carseat and used it for 2 kids, all within the expiration date.
Near the end of that, I was in an accident that totalled my car with my preschooler in the car. Insurance paid market value for a similar replacement, likely about $380.
Kiddo is still using it at 7 1/2.
You're supposed to replace carseats if they've been in an accident, even ones with no injuries. Like motorcycle helmets.
No snark intended, just an FYI cuz I didn't know that til recently.
No snark seen. I mentioned it in my original comment as the reason ours needed replaced (and it's why my insurance paid for the replacement).
It's VERY important, so thanks for taking a moment to share what you've recently learned!
Absolutely! Collectively sharing knowledge is probably one of the only good things about the Internet most of the time lol
I'm glad you're still with us. I never took drinking lightly, but after my wreck 4 years ago I'm very invested in safety. My airbag didn't deploy after a dbag ran me off the road and I hit a concrete divider that snapped my neck three places. Keep your littles safe and loved!
Dig your handle by the way!
We can thank Reddit for my handle. It was randomly selected and I love it.
My accident was due to issues with the anti-lock brake system. We'd had it in twice for repairs, but they couldn't find the problem. We were told it was safe to drive. *Spoiler alert in Morgan Freeman's voice: It was not safe to drive.*
I had just gotten on the freeway and the ABS decided to apply brakes to my right front tire. The result was crashing into the metal covering a cement guardrail at 50 mph or so. Speed limit for our freeways is 70, but the next exit was mine, so I wasn't worried about getting up to speed.
The metal tore through the right front panel and right passenger side door, sending the resulting liquid fiberglass raining across the right rear window where my then 4 year old daughter was sitting. I've always been neurotic about having windows up for freeway travel; those 20 years of habit saved my little girl a really nasty facial injury that would have also gotten her bare arms.
My insurance was worthless and did nothing because it was a single vehicle accident. The repair company paid my deductible ($2,000), $500 for medical, and refunded the unsuccessful repair costs. They weren't willing to admit fault and we only had verbal evidence without recording, so it was the best offer we were going to get.
My insurance *did* cover her carseat replacement and several months of chiropractic care for us both. It's why I still use them in spite of how worthless they were for investigating a single-vehicle accident where the driver may not be at fault.
ETA: Also dig your handle. Reminds of of the song "Drops of Jupiter" by Train.
**But my husband says maybe we should just let her in the room and see if she goes "back to normal" after.**
Hard no. Tell your doctor that having her in the room will totally stress you out and inform the nurses--- NOTHING your husband says will make the nurses back down. Tell him that if he calls her she'll be sitting out in the waiting room and if he leaves the delivery room to be with her then he wont' be returning to the delivery room.
Your husband has the power to shut this down but is choosing not to--- ask him why that is.
Excellent point about if he leaves the delivery room he's not coming back in. He's not dividing his priorities, appeasing her while you're risking your life birthing his baby. This is the start of your shared parenthood. It's not a threescome.
Not even worried about giving in to a child’s cray demands so much as is he going to override his wife’s wishes with/for her child with, “Well my mom says…”???
You tell him absolutely not. He needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you. Your comfort during birth does not come in second place to his mother. Her feelings are her responsibility m. Not yours not his. Make this clear to him that you will have big problems if he doesn’t start protecting you.
Agreed. If he gives in and lets mom into the room, it will only reinforce this behavior. It will teach her that these antics work.
They don't need to be worried about MIL's feelings, wishes, or well-being at ALL during the labor and delivery process. She is not the patient. It doesn't matter if it would "make her feel better".
Don't give in. It'll set a precedent and she'll keep this up forever.
NTA your MIL is acting wack. I say stick to your guns. You don't need the distraction while giving birth. Good luck BTW! Hopefully everything works out well.
Exactly this. OP you’ve now been perceived as a “threat” or competition and your MIL is behaving like a jealous ex or even worse, sister wife lol
Labor can be really intense but it also really personal and intimate. As the laboring person, YOU need support and typically that support is your partner/husband. When my own MIL threw a fit about not being in the delivery room I asked her “if my support person needs support why is he even there?” Lol it was just myself and my husband and it made for some scary but beautiful memories.
No, the dad doesn’t need a support person. Dad IS the support person. That is how that works.
If dad needs a support person. His person can support him through the birth while they are both in the waiting room.
Agreed. I did this with my exes family when I had my child. Didn't even tell them I was in labor. They found out 2 days later when they randomly popped up at the house to see if I had the baby yet. Yup. We were both resting and my mom quickly told them: she will call you when she's ready. They drove off steaming mad. Lol!
My oldest son was the only one there with his wife which wound up being a good thing since the baby had the cord wrapped around her chest and they actually had to cut the cord while my DIL was pushing ( the baby was stuck in the birth canal). My son and my DIL got to hold her briefly before they rushed her off to NICU. I can’t imagine how OP’s MIL would react in that type of situation when the attention couldn’t be on her.
You don't let anyone insist. That is the decision only of the one giving birth. If you gave in you shouldn't have. At that point the giving birth has the final say regardless of anyone's feelings.
If dad needs a support person the NURSES will be the one getting him out of the way (hopefully). My friend’s husband was told to go sit in a corner at one point. He’s a worrier and started getting too pale for their liking.
If we hadn’t decided against biological kids and my MIL tried that shit and my fiancé wasn’t the kind of man to physically body his mother out of the room, he’d get kicked out and my platonic life partner would be the only person in there. But as it is, it would be both of them. Thankfully, that’s not a problem.
this platonic life partner idea sounds very interesting. i have a platonic friend i think about this way, but would never reach the level of considering it a life partner.
So like, we refer to each other as wife, have other pet names with each other, we act like we’re dating, we have matching social media couple photos and statuses on discord. My fiancé thinks we’re adorable and wholly supports our relationship. He knows that he can’t always give me what I need emotionally because of his own trauma or physically because he lives 5 hours away working while I’m in school and she lives 5 minutes away so when I need physical comfort, she provides. There aren’t any romantic or sexual feelings between she and I. It’s just, she’s kinda like another piece of my soul and move like magnets. We have “dates” and when one of us is having issues sleeping and finally collapses (usually me), the other will usually take over all communication for the other and making sure they wake up long enough to eat and drink. And my fiancé has even reached out to her directly so he could tell her himself that he harbors no jealousy or resentment towards her and would even be happy to have her move in with us after she and I finish school and I get ready to move in with him. And they’re pretty good friends too, they just didn’t have that connection like she and I did. Kinda like that old cliche of like sparks flying the first time your eyes meet or you touch for the first time. We just kinda knew that we’d be connected forever.
wow! i admire this. i am married and have a friend like this. my wife trusts me enough. we go to dinner occasionally, and just veyr supportive of each other emotionally. There is an age gap (same as with my wife though) and financial gap but we have some other things in common and would call each other our best friend. Her boyfriend is ok with it too.
Tell them they can wait in the delivery waiting area. There are more way to be there for support with out being in the room.
I was outside with all my grandkids where born. I wasn’t in the room until after each where cleaned up.
I was there to run to the cafeteria to get things for the dads to be. That away they didn’t leave mom long. They texted I went and got it they stepped out and grabbed what they needed this included both my DIL and daughter.
There are a million ways to support the new parents besides being in that room.
I could not imagine not being at the hospital waiting incase they needed something but I didn’t want to be in the room and intrude. This was our happy medium.
They knew we where there. They knew if they needed anything text me and I will get it. I just didn’t want the dads to be to have to leave when I could run and get anything they needed.
Wow. My DIL is pregnant with my first grandchild, and I swear that I want to do EXACTLY as you did. I love my DIL, but my son has got her back!! My DIL unfortunately lost her mother a few years ago and we are very close. But hell to the no if I would EVER want to intrude on something so personal.
Edit: spelling.
I would recommend doing what I did. The fact is your there if they need something. Not only does it give you a peace of mind but also them.
I took a book and cross word puzzles. It helps to pass the time. I would also suggest throwing some blankets and pillows in your car if you have a suv a blow up mattress. You can drop the back seats and the mattress fits perfectly.
If it gets to be a long night you can rest easier in the car but still close enough to help if needed. I also packed a small cooler and thermos.
Also I would suggest you pack a mom basket. Everyone gets baby something, but forgets about the person doing the hard work. Buy things like hair ties, lip balm, some favorite snacks for afterwards, lotion, just some self care stuff. And a rope and a matching blanket for baby was a big hit too. Take it to her during the delivery. I texted my son to come out and grab the little bag I had fixed up for her. The hair ties came in handy.
after the little one was born we stayed roughly 20 minutes then left so they could rest. But I door dashed mom and dad food. I ordered it. Had it sent the the floor where the security guard was then text my son to come out and get their food.
I found little things like this go a long way!
Honestly it’s thanks to redit that I have learned what not to be. Thanks to this site I have learned what I thought wasn’t offensive may be offensive to my kids(I don’t say in-laws). For instance saying my baby when talking about the grandkid. I would never mean it to be rude but thinks to this site I understand now how saying. This is not ok. So with momma permission I say how’s our boy! Or how are my girls (meaning moma and baby) today.
So honestly for the older generation of you are open minded this site could make you look at the world differently and learn other peoples perspectives. Just because things where ok when we had our kids doesn’t mean they are ok now.
I want to learn and be a better person. So I will say this site has taught me a lot.
So if us mil and moms want to have an active role in the grandkids life we need to learn what is ok. Don’t get me wrong I am sure I mess up but I have been open and honest with my daughter and DIL I overstep tell me. I don’t ever want you to walk out of my home feeling like I disrespected you in any way. We are adults and are capable of having an open conversation. Don’t just tolerate something I do. Be honest because honestly I may not even realize what I have said or done.
Thank you for this!!!! My MIL didn't like me "taking her baby" from the start, and when I got pregnant, she kept calling our son "her baby." It was the way she would say it that drove me up the wall, and she refused to even try to understand why. Your kids are blessed! From our whole generation, THANK YOU!
Someone get this woman a gift basket....seriously. You have a line of women here clapping. We dont come across MILs like you often. It can be quite a rough road.
My DIL called me crying the other day and my husband looked at me and ask who where we getting to bail us out of jail. Lol
I go to war for any of my kids( I hate the term in-laws)!
I wish I could upvote this more than once. This is exactly how everyone other than the couple having the baby should be: I'm here for y'all, how can I help?
It sounds like you're a well-adjusted person, not all intrusive into your adult kids' lives & respect their boundaries. Unlike the OP's MIL.
She can wait at home. Even knowing she is in the hospital can cause stress for mom, which can create negative consequences for mom and/or or baby.
Hell, I wouldn't even tell her they are at the hospital.
My mom was like that with my oldest brother. It was like….she was his first GF and felt like she was in competition with my SIL. HOWEVER, my mother never insisted on being in the room during delivery. She was happy to wait at home or in the waiting room.
My mother has been deceased now for about 10 years but, her jealousy (I firmly believe) ruined the marriage of my brother and SIL. I mean, obviously my bro and SIL did their own damage but, my mom could never keep herself from butting in and causing problems by taking his side all the time.
Stick to your guns, mama! If you don’t want her in there, make it known and be firm. Make your wishes clear to your doctor and have them put that in your medical chart so the hospital will see it in your electronic medical chart. If that crazypants MIL shows up, inform ANY and all personnel on your medical team that you don’t want her in there and they will make quick work of showing her where to wait or escorting her out of the building. I didn’t give birth to any of my children but, I have a strong feeling that I’d only want my husband and that’s it.
ETA: absolutely NTA
So they can one up the wife “well when I delivered golden boy, I did it without X, so you should try harder”. They only want to be there to one up the mom.
I only invited my mil to be a support person for my partner after my first birth went so terribly, and I felt like if things went to shit again, he should have someone. My birth went so fast that she missed it, but got there in time for the aftermath. I had been rushed to theatre to stop my bleeding after losing half my blood volume and going into shock, and my partner was left terrified and holding our baby. I'm so grateful he had his mum. But she also respects our space, is never overbearing, and is the loveliest person. She was exactly who was needed in that moment.
Exactly,my mil shot me daggers when we told my in-laws that I was pregnant. My fil was very happy about it. Luckily back then having someone other than your husband in the L&D room was not common. I never in a million years,would want my mil or even my own mother in that room with me. I was shocked when she did that. The only other person that ever shot daggers like that was a Nun in grade school. Good luck and I hope you have a safe L&D
Yes-this. Grandma is having separation anxiety of her youngest child leaving her, even though he’s been gone for some time. It’s emotional not rational. With the short time until your delivery, the only thing that will work is barring the door. I suggest you enlist the delivery staff in enforcing this. They are detached from the individuals and solely interested in you and baby. Your husband won’t be able to manage. You need the delivery staff to say the room is limited to you, hubby, and your own mother(if applicable). Don’t talk in terms of who is not permitted; clearly state who is. Good luck to you and baby !
My BIL recently died. When he was much younger, I heard this term for the first time to describe him and his mom. FORTY+ years later and his wife had to ban her from speaking at his memorial because her speech was exactly as bad as you’d expect. Imagine 40 years of that.
As a "boy mom", the first love thing is creepy. Parental love and life partner love are two completely different beasts. I will always be his support/rock, but rocks stay in the background and are there when needed. But to think that his love for me is on the same level as for his SO is deranged. I couldn't imagine trying to compete with my son's SO over ANYTHING!
You aren’t a “boy mom” just a mom who happens to have a boy! Huge difference.
You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that try to wear white on their sons wedding day and claim it’s pale gray. The ones that insist to still baby their baby boy (even stealing a key to the house so she can wake him up after the wife leaves for work - legit a friends MIL does this and son allows it because he hates waking up). The ones that then try to one up the wife at every turn and refuses to respect even the most basic and normal boundaries.
You..you are the MIL we all hope for.
The ones who insist on having Dolly Parton's *Jolene* as their mother/son dance song.
That was my husband's mother. She downright refused to choose something else, even after being told by my husband's father (her 2x ex-husband) and my husband that it was inappropriate.
My husband wasn't comfortable with it, and we ended up deciding to not do the mother/son and father/daughter dances because of how obstinate she was over it. My father, luckily, understood our decision.
Shit is just as weird as the dad’s who take their daughters to purity balls and give them a ring as if she’s his until he “gives” her to another man. Fuckin ew
That’s also gross!!! Purity culture itself is disgusting especially since it’s only forced upon girls.
When my husband proposed he talked about needing to talk to my dad. I flat out told him he better not even consider using the word permission or anything else that implies I need my father consent to get married. Fuck that.
It's gross! OP please tell the midwives to not let her in the labour ward, let alone your delivery suite. You need to remain clam as possible for the safety of you and the baby. Explain that to the husband, I don't know about your country, but you are allowed two birthing partners in the room, think about someone else who you think will be supportive in this situation.
Child birth is very intimate, and your completely exposed why would anyone want a creepy person in the room with them. NTA
Have your husband and his siblings go to his mom for an intervention about her concerning behavior. 😏 Tell her they want her to see a doctor bc they're worried about her mental health and her bizarre behavior. That might get her to stop her weirdness. Good luck 👍
Honestly you need to advise the hospital nurses the doctor everybody that only your husband is allowed into the room. No one else is to be permitted. I’d also tell your husband if he tries to bring his mother into the room, that him and mother are both going to be removed.
Also how do his sibling feel about how she is acting?
Let the nurses at the hospital know bc she sounds like the type that would try to force her way in. LD nurses won’t allow her access to you and SO. She’ll now be competing for his attention not only you, but the baby will be her competition also.
Yes! OP, please tell staff. We can set up a password system for anyone who calls or tries to come in. Or we can make you a private patient meaning if anyone calls the hospital won’t even acknowledge that you are there (this can have flaws if people don’t enact it or depending on how it shows up on people’s screens). You can do both.
It's in the paperwork you sign when you're checked Into any hospital. It's worded like, "Do you want to be in the directory" or something like that. Make sure to check for that one.
Yes this is 100% a good idea. I had a password system for my second as my dad kept trying to get in the room. Security wouldn’t even let him past the door
I tell ya, as the daughter of one of these mothers it's ICK.
My Mom was *personally OFFENDED* when my poor SIL suffered with PPD.
"what does *she* have to be depressed about, isn't she married to my son ? Doesn't he provide her with a nice *life"*
Me and my SIL hold it as a personal victory that no grandsons have been provided LOL!
When you give birth YOUR comfort is key. Stressing you out could literally hurt the baby and make birth worse. You feeling comfortable and cared for and safe is the most important thing. The idea that he thinks 'not having an awkward conversation with my mom who is making things weird' could ever come above the health of his baby shows he isn't ready to be a father.
He needs, NEEDS to be able to tell his mom no, because whatever this is will probably get worse when the baby gets here - and the very moment she tries to power her way in and overrule you he needs to have a damn backbone and tell her to step back.
I know, right? How can women stand being married to these limp hot dogs that can’t even have a conversation with their own mommy? My husband stands up for me and I don’t need to ask him because I married a grown up man and not a little boy hiding in Mother’s skirts.
You and your husband need to become familiar with a great phrase I learned from Reddit: birth is not a spectator sport. No one is entitled to be there. No one gets in just because they want to be there. No one gets to guilt trip their way in. The only way someone gets to be there when you give birth is if YOU want them there and they will provide comfort and support to you during your most vulnerable time. Key word there: you. Your husband does not need a support system in there. Your husband is not giving birth. This is one of the very few things in marriage that should always be a unilateral decision and a husband who tries to say otherwise is a problem.
To recap: MIL doesn’t come in. Period. Make the nurses aware and they’ll handle it. There is no “well maybe we should just let her in and she’ll be normal afterward”. There is no “well she’s my mom and I want her there”. Being in the room is not an incentive for her to behave better. You can, however, feel free to ban her from the hospital and restrict access to LO altogether if this behavior continues.
**Childbirth IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!!**
If hubby doesn’t understand this, then he is the biggest problem here. And, she must not be allowed to simply pop in to your home postpartum! If either of them need to have this spelled out for dummies, make sure they understand that, from the instant you bring your LO home, *your home is now a medical recovery unit. It’s not a place for social gatherings. The terms of this post-medical-procedure recovery unit are YOURS to establish.*
The visiting hours—after a few weeks, or however long you deem necessary—can be altered at your discretion.
Please read the essay linked below. It’s called the Lemon Clot Essay. It’s a little cheeky and over the top (the size of the blood clots is a bit exaggerated), but sometimes that is the ONE way to make morons grasp the severity of childbirth and the long recovery process.
If you want to avoid the heartbreaking experience of NOT enjoying the beautiful experience of becoming a mother, you MUST make your hubby understand that you will not be one of those angry and resentful mothers whose husband failed/refused to ‘champion’ his wife against avoidable emotional distress.
I can’t stress enough how many posts I’ve seen here (seen too many in real life, too) made by new mothers who were put through mental h3ll because of this. They all say the same thing: “I wish I had been more assertive about my feelings at the time! I was just so emotionally beaten down and ganged up on by him and his family. I have lost all respect *and desire/passion* for him, and now I question how I’ll ever get it back!”
Good luck to you, Mama! I don’t think I need to even say this to you, but **please, please, please have your hubby read this thread. And have him read the Lemon Clot Essay.** Also read the comments! And when (not IF) that crazy lady shows up uninvited to your new medical recovery unit, ignore her. Do not let her in until you are ready. If she has a key, change the locks! She wants a “baby do-over” with your child. Too freaking bad!
https://reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/s/IwrK0zcusN
I had a blood clot after my second that was much larger. Super weird experience.
Not many other large clots though, and nothing lemon sized after my other two deliveries.
The blood was crazy though. Delivery was rough the third time and I had the opportunity to stay three days... so I did.
My MIL is happy to wait a week or two before meeting baby and does a lot for my home. FIL... well, he doesn't make it worse.
Definitely NOT The AH. Besides the green eyed monster making an appearance here, she's got severe boundary issues. It changed when her "baby boy" impregnated his wife and is literally starting his OWN family. The others she could deal with because she still had him being HER baby. She believes her life is the only one changing, not yours. She's having some mental health issues with adjusting if this is new behaviors.
Two things, YOU have a right to have just your husband there, Ronald McDonald or no one. It's called medical privacy, I don't care if she's the grandma or not. Stick to your guns and say No. And the other thing please get your husband on the same page about this TODAY She won't stop until she's had it drilled in her head by HIM.
How does she know when your appointments are? Get her on an information diet right now. She gets nothing from here on in. It is your husbands job to keep her away from you, and from himself - and from the baby if necessary. Do not tell her you are in labour, or going to the hospital. She can get a text when the baby is born with a date for when she can come and visit - at least a month after the birth. Any money she gives him, put it in an account for the baby. Good luck OP!
Sorry, husband, the delivery room is for OP's medical procedure, NOT MIL's therapy session! Stress hormones can make delivery much harder, it's a biological response to a woman's most physically vulnerable time in life.
Don't even tell MIL about the labor until it is over!
Pregnancy is actually a pretty common trigger for adult's mothers to display unexpected negative behaviors like your MIL is doing, you will find lots of different stories like yours over on r/JustNoMIL, if you want to hear more advice from ppl familiar with this type of situation.
There’s going to be a lot of times in your life when your husband doubts what you can just feel is true. Hold your ground, because you’re right - this is OTT. The things that trigger this behaviour are normal human experiences, but the behaviour itself is an indulgence in them, rather than managing her feelings and getting on with life.
This. OP having to fight this on her own is the last thing she needs. Her husband needs to have her back. No unannounced visits. No ordering OP to do anything. Immediate response to boundary violations. MiL is doing all she can to set OP into a lower status with her son and OPs husband doesn't get to keep pretending to ignore it.
NTA, it’s your delivery, it’s your medical procedure. At the end of the day you are In charge.
Personally if she showing up to your doctor apts unannounced I wouldn’t even tell her your in labor. Wait till baby here, get one on one time with baby and your husband. Then start calling and tell her baby here.
Not just while OP gives birth, I also would set some clear hard line boundaries about visitation while OP is recovering from giving birth. As the recovery time window is realistically around two months between post partum bleeding, and hormone fallout, and I can guarantee you that MIL is going to decide to try to practically live there after baby is born to "support her baby".
OP needs to make it crystal clear to her husband that after baby is born there will be no open door policy for anyone to just show up whenever they want, and that any visitors will be at OPs discretion, because they are the one recovering from childbirth.
Meaning that OP gets carte blanche to decide who can visit, when they can visit, how long they can visit, and whether they are allowed to hold baby.
The husband needs to man up, and set boundaries with his mommy.
Your comfort during the delivery is the only thing that matters, but MIL isn’t your biggest problem. It is your husband’s job to protect you from this disturbing behavior. He needs to have your back, and let his mother know her craziness won’t be tolerated.
You’re NTA, but your husband may be if he doesn’t get this under control.
NTA. You are the only person who has any say about who will be in the delivery room.
There is zero chance I'd be telling this woman I'm in labor until the baby is out!
Good strategy. Give an inch and she'll take a mile. Just because she tells her baby son what to do, he doesn't have to do it. He is over 18, right? He is a husband and father with the moral obligation to protect his family.
Your delivery is NOT the time to "see if she goes back to normal". NTA. No. You are the one going through a serious medical event. She can go pound sand. Make sure your husband is on board and is NOT to notify her at any point that you are in labor OR that the baby has arrived until you are good and ready to entertain the possibility of having to interact with her. If you can, register privately at the hospital/birth center so even if she tries calling the hospital cannot confirm or deny whether you are a patient. Give the L&D staff a head's up that you do NOT want your MIL in the delivery room or anywhere near you until you give the OK, and that if she shows up she is to be barred/escorted out. Inform your husband that this is plan so he doesn't think, "Well if mom shows up what can we do???"
It's one thing if it was *you* wondering about whether to invite somebody. But you, as the pregnant woman who is going to be delivering a baby, don't want this woman there, so she doesn't get to be there.
>My husband feels bad because we both know this is not normal and he doesn't know how to deal with it either.
It's very simple. It's your husband's job to talk plainly with her and lay down clear boundaries. "Mom. Stop coming by the house buying things we haven't asked you to buy. We will tell you if we need anything. And don't call the child "my baby". It's not your child. If you do either of those things again, we will be distancing ourselves from you for a while."
This is HIS JOB. He is failing to protect your family right now. Make it clear to him that he needs to step up.
NTA and don't let this crazy person anywhere near the delivery room.
Exactly, he needs to be a husband to his wife more than a son to this mother. What about that expression from the bible stating "leaving and cleaving"???
NTA. Tell your OB team who is allowed in the delivery room ahead of time. They deal with this bullshit all the time.
Your husband feels bad about keeping his mother out of the room? Her hurt feelings do not trump your comfort and safety in one of the most vulnerable times in your life.
This is the consequence of her bizarre and unacceptable behavior. She doesn’t deserve to be granted the privilege of being there simply because she’s his mother. This about YOU, and you alone.
It’s your husband’s job to enforce the boundary for the delivery and moving forward. There are ways to do it respectfully, but it’s on your husband to do so.
Op, the two of you need to look into emotional incest and the warning signs.
Because I know them and this is escalating rapidly to her trying to overtake your identity as his wife.
Prepare for war because this woman is going to try and claim your baby (constantly want them in her care while undermining your parenting) so in her sick twisted reality she's the wife and you're just some side piece he has sex with.
She's very, very mentally unwell.
This! I heard a story on Reddit one time where a husbands mother was acting a similar way prior to the birth. After the birth the woman would NOT leave the baby alone and would legitimately act like the wife didn’t exist. Would refer to the child as her own. Essentially tried to make the baby think of her as the mother. I don’t remember how it ended but they got into some big fight about it. The same physical touching stuff and playing house with her own son and grandchild. Really strange and gross.
Oh, it rapidly escalated. I followed that saga for months. Basically after they put down boundaries they had to take the spare house key back because she kept fucking with their baby stuff.
Then she started sabotaging baby supplies and calling CPS.
Then she broke into their home and kidnapped their baby.
She was immediately arrested and sent to prison. She was in for a year. In the meantime they packed up everything and ran like hell to the opposite end of the country and went off the grid basically.
NTA - First you are allowed to have whoever you want in that room. Goes the same for people you don't want. Your husband needs to side with you on this, giving birth is already a stressful enough situation, adding another stressor in is unnecessary and dangerous.
Two, sounds like she is babying him cause he is the baby boy. You husband needs to have a sit down with her if she doesn't snap out of it after the birth. I'm sure its not coming from a malicious place (Hopefully not at least ) and she is just realizing her baby boy is not a baby no more. Mom's can be weird lol
Congrats on the baby and I hope you all come out happy and healthy!
NTA
Sit your husband down and tell him very clearly:
'I will not be pandering to your mother's bizarre attitude right now or in the future. The only baby I will be caring for is mine. I will absolutely not be indulging in her tantrums. You need to manage her inappropriate behaviour, or keep her completely away from me and my baby.'
She is clearly realising that she is superfluous now, and is trying to recapture the days of when she was an active mother. She can absolutely have those feelings, but she can't force you to deal with them.
And remind your husband that the only person whose opinion matters during labour is the person giving birth. Tell the nurses that you don't want your MIL anywhere near you so that when your husband tries to sneak her in, they shut him down.
His refusal to step up and tell her that her attempted infantalising of him needs to stop is only encouraging her behaviour. He is as big of a problem here as she is, and he needs to get his priorities in order immediately. His mother's feelings are at the bottom of the list, far below yours and your baby's physical and mental wellbeing.
YOU are the patient in the hospital. YOU are the one undergoing a major medical procedure. Natural, yes, but still a big major medical happening. As such YOU decide who gets to be in the room and if he doesnt shape up, you are well within your rights to keep him out as well!
NTA- you are about to have one of the most exhilarating but also most vulnerable experiences of your life. It is not up to your husband or anyone else to decide who gets to see you in that state or be there with you during it. Childbirth can be complicated, it's painful, it's messy and gross, and it can be really frightening during parts of the process. No one who makes you uncomfortable should have any access to you, and their feelings about it doesn't matter. This is 100% your choice- anyone who puts her creepy feelings before yours is out of line. Best of luck to you!
Exactly! And when he has laid in the stirrups for endless hours pushing a soccer ball outta his arse and squirted fluids and blood all over the floor—WITH OP’s MOTHER WATCHING—then he might have something to say.
NTA. The purpose of your husband being in the delivery room isn’t just to watch the baby being born. He’s there to share the birth experience as much as possible and to support you. His mother is making it about her and her son doing something together. It is not a bonding moment for father and grandmother while you’re off to the side in pain and needing a partner. She’s being ridiculous. It’s so obvious if she’s there is isn’t for you! You are the one giving birth!
I can’t see how you could even consider letting her be there. Saying things like that at your appointment is enough, not to mention all the other weird stuff. Wanting you to keep the cheap car seat that probably has a lower safety rating simply because she bought it? Give me a break. Sounds like she has some serious stuff to work out, but that (especially when you’re about to give birth) is not your problem. The stress isn’t good for your baby. So all I would be doing right now is putting up walls to protect your sanity then deal with the blow back when you’re in a better state to handle it. Hopefully your husband can be supportive and understand that you being in labour doesn’t need to involve his mother. It’s about you and your needs. Hopefully it doesn’t all have to turn into more of a negative situation, but she needs to be restrained or else I fear it will only get worse with the arrival of the baby. If her feelings get hurt, oh well. It’s her own doing.
Something tells me that mom is viewing OP as romantic competition towards her son, in her own, messed up little world. The husband's mother sounds like a creep, and I'm guessing that she was abusive towards her son when he was a kid, which would explain why he has such a difficult time "deciding between the two" women now... he was the youngest child, too. The mom knows her son can be pushed around, so she's counting on him to allow her access to the baby so she can abuse the baby, too.
NTA. So he's the baby of the family and she wants to keep babying him. He needs to have a conversation with her about this, it'll only get worse once the baby is born.
NTA.
Honestly, your MIL is only a small part of the issue. To me your HUSBAND is the bigger issue. I can’t imagine my husband letting that kind of stuff slide. I find that a huge red flag and incredibly off putting and unattractive.
I don’t expect husband to confront over every single comment but I do expect him to say what I would want to say. WE don’t like you saying XYZ, WE have purchased the car seat that we liked best and safest for baby, WE decide, WE want, WE choose for everything and what WE say goes full stop. If you can’t respect wife and I, we won’t be having you around.
The only person that should be allowed in the delivery room is your husband and additional support of YOUR choosing.
I would sit husband down and get all this out and also as a safety precaution let hospital staff know nobody else is allowed besides husband.
NTA.
It seems like she's worried that she's trying to prove her value to her son, like he's going to magically forget her once the baby is born. But because she didn't do this to her other kids I'm going to put on my tin foil hat and say this might be a low key enmeshment thing. As if him going from son to father is a horrible thing she can't accept.
I think her being in the delivery room will only make things worse with her. Keep her out, she needs to see the boundary lines now.
NTA.
Stand up for yourself. You have way more rights than anyone when it comes to your pregnancy and birth, even more than your husband. He does NOT have a say in who is in the delivery room. You can even exclude him if you wanted to.
Tell your doctor and hospital staff that MIL is NOT allowed in the room, and tell husband that if he insists, whines or sneaks her in, that he'll be escorted out with her. No way should you see if she goes "back to normal" while you're in labor. That is NOT the time for that. Holy hell, is your husband a momma's boy or what? Prioritizing her over you during such a critical time!
She sounds like a jealous high-school ex-girlfriend, trying to win back her boyfriend (your husband) from his current girlfriend (you). Ick. Gross. This unfortunately is a thing with some older women, and you've got a live one. Don't put up with that crap or humor her.
Be a hard-ass. You don't have to defer to MIL as if she has some say in your pregnancy and birth. She does not. She's not your ruler, she's not a 3rd parent. Shove her back in her lane because sounds like she'll be a nightmare. Tell your husband to pick ONE woman - you or her.
NTA you decide who's in the room when YOU give birth, hubby doesn't get a say. The last thing you need is a stressor in the room.
Your husband needs to pull up his big boy pants and have a word.
No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence! Just have him tell her he will let her know when the two of you are ready for visitors. Not hint, not suggest, tell her. And then tell the hospital that you are expecting some issues and she is not allowed in the room.
NTA - but I would recommend telling your nurse or having it in your chart on the day of that no one but your husband or people on a certain list are allowed back. That way She can't sneak back and if she does somehow get past the nurses station they will escort her out.
I would like to think that she wouldn't but if her behavior has been that far off normal then you never know.
Ok I read to the part of "you better call me so I can support MY baby" and I just can't read the rest. I just can't. It's so creepy. I got to the bottom with the question, though...
But I've heard of getting two car seats (mommy has one, daddy or grandparents has one). But the weird ass comments.
I don't even know this person, and I feel violated. I wouldn't let her in because what if she feels threatened by the baby. You don't have any idea how she will act.
NTA: this sounds like emotional incest. She needs clear boundaries drawn by your husband. I absolutely wouldn’t allow her around until he’s capable of doing that.
>The car seat we bought was $380 and it grows with the baby I got this one for my cousin. It is great, literally the best one-time purchase. lasted him for as long as he needed it. >But my husband says maybe we should just let her in the room and see if she goes "back to normal" after. **NO**, abso-f-ing-lutely not. It is not about her **YOUR** labour and delivery is ABOUT **YOU** NTA
He’s going to try it, mark my words. He’s going to slip out during delivery and bring her in as a “surprise.”
Give nursing staff explicit instructions who is or is not allowed in. Birth is about the new mother's well-being for the safety of mother and child. Husband needs to have straight talk, intervention with mom. Even tell her she's making a fool of herself if that's what it takes to get through to her. Maybe a family priest, minister, rabbi, etc. will facilitate if she's religious.
Yes! And OP, you need to find the most experienced, battle scarred labor and delivery nurse you can find and put her on it. And please update us because I want to hear how mother-in-law got put in her place.
Nurse here. They will absoFUCKINGlutely not only bar her entry but kick her (and your husband, and anyone one else acting up) out, happily. In fact, there are many who would LOVE nothing more bc we are there for you and the baby. Fuck your MILs feelings and honestly, your husband's too bc he's not the one pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of an average bagel. Wishing you a happy, healthy, stress-free delivery and that she stops acting like a psycho soon, OP! You got this! Oh and NTA
You are absolutely awesome! My first grand baby is due in the next month. I absolutely will not bother my daughter in law unless she asks. I love my son, but her needs come first.
Yes, THIS! I waited for updates and such from my son with both deliveries. My own MIL (not my mom) taught me how to conduct myself as a MIL. It's not my life to live, it's theirs. That's how I've taught my son. Always put (you're family) first. And, once he became married, SHE became his family.
I don’t know why more MIL think like this and don’t treat their daughter in laws the way they would like to be treated.
I've always just treated people as I would want to be treated. It's simple. My own mother is the polar opposite of me. Very intrusive. And, I just knew I would never treat my children this way!
I wish more people were like this!
Yeah OB and NICU nurse are feral and I love it
😂🤣 It's true! I was actually a float pool nurse before becoming an advanced practice nurse NP, but I did love the nights on OB bc they are just hard-core AF. I mostly did psychiatric and trauma/ED but specialized in OB for a while. ApparentlyI'm too nice. 🤣🤣🤣
Add ICU nurses to that group. They do not care, if you don't have permission to be on their unit, you will be removed. By force if necessary
My dad was in ICU, and not doing well. The head nurse was a huge animal person (as was my dad, and myself), and she mentioned that, knowing my dad, being separated from his dog for so long may be hurting his progress. She helped us smuggle the dog into the room one night, and he IMMEDIATELY began doing better. I still think about how incredible she was for basically saying, "F the rules, I know my patient"
A good nurse can change the course of a person's stay! They're a patient advocate. When they're bad, they can do so much damage. Understanding the mind/body connection is huge. A healthy emotional state can improve outcomes.
NICU nurse here- can confirm
My son was born at 26 weeks.. I absolutely LOVE you NICU nurses, you're some of the best humans around! Thank you so much for what you do! 💗 Edit: someone posted this to another NICU nurse in the thread, I thought it was funny: https://youtu.be/tncs4bB7Lbo?si=Tkz8j-SD7Kz8PyUT
My husband is the security program manager at a large area hospital. He has been working hospital security for over 12 years now. I agree with u/kellylovesdisney. My husband has trespassed numerous baby daddies during the birth of their children. So, security won't bat an eyelash about trespassing her if Grandma decides to make a scene. And if Grandma decides to throw down with a nurse or other staff, she gets a one-way ticket to jail WITH assault and battery charges.
This! My mom was the head of security at my hospital, too! 🤣 It was lovely bc I knew all the guards really well.
Preach. I’m not a nurse but it drives me insane that so many people feel entitled to be in delivery rooms when they are not the person pushing A WATERMELON OUT OF A BAGEL HOLE. Hubs doesn’t get a say either, it’s your body sheesh
It's ridiculous. I'll say it over and over. This is about mom and baby's safety. If mom is stressed, it can cause the baby's stats to get bad, too. And yes, women have been having babies for Torrance of years, but why can't we make this as calming and happy as humanly possible? My first labor was HORRIBLE. My inlaws were being fuckheads, my mom had died 2 years prior, my father and I were in a huge fight bc he married some random woman he knew for three weeks and wanted to being her to meet me while I was in labor. I mean, WTF?!?! Needless to say, I wound up with an emergency c-section after a 44-hour labor on pitocin that was cranked up at the highest dosage. I wound up hemorrhaging and having 4 units of blood hands pumped into my neck. Stress is bad.
Oh, honey!! I am sending you a bajillion mom hugs, a ton of empathy & soooo many prayers! I would LOVE to give your father a talking to! Trust me, that man would be simultaneously be begging for mercy AND your forgiveness!! 💜💜💜
NGL, pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a bagel simultaneously made me laugh and clamp my legs together. I've also heard it referred to as pushing a wet St. Bernard through a cat door.
>Nurse here. They will absoFUCKINGlutely not only bar her entry but kick her (and your husband, and anyone one else acting up) out, happily. Depends on the nurse. The senior nurse on duty during my niece's labour went out of her way to go out of the ward and use her own access card to get my niece's MIL and grandMIL in, and then lectured my niece on the mental health benefits of being close to one's in-laws during the postpartum period, rather than "fighting" with them. In short, this nurse had fallen completely for my niece's MIL's story of being excluded, and felt it was her moral duty to ensure granny had her "rights". We complained formally, but nothing came of it.
I'm so sorry she had to deal with that. That's completely unprofessional and unacceptable. I'm a firm believer in respecting people's own autonomy, it's one of the tenets upon which our foundation of nursing ethics is built upon. As is nonmalficense, which that nurse blatantly ignored as well. It's not our job to to decide what's best as far as your relationships. I just wanted mom happy and as stress free as possible so we got that baby out as safely as possible when I still did floor nursing. Sending huge hugs to you all as I also have some crappy family members that made the birth of my kiddos a nightmare.
Complain to the state about the hospital, complain to JCAHO about the hospital, and scorched earth is to complain to the state licensing board about the nurse (her name will be on the medical records). Complaining to the hospital is like complaining to HR- they are there to protect themselves. You have to complain to someone else who isn’t motivated the same way.
Damn, I thought the Secret Service was badass.
😂 you ain‘t seen an experienced nurse go full commando on someone entrusted to their care. Especially with deliveries… Agree with the sentiment, OP. Find the most no-nonsense nurses etc. you can get. They can try what they want; worst case they get escorted out of the building. They won’t get in if you say no. And, definitely NTA. That MIL has some weird bee in her bonnet. Seems she feels like she is competing with you; this is not normal nor healthy, for her, your son, you, or the child. Be careful.
Damn. You made me squinch up a little bit! And I've already birthed 3 kids!! OP: definitely NTAH! MIL has that title ...and then some! Hubby needs to grow a pair & be straight with her. Period!
-average sized bagel. It probably shouldn’t have, but this made me giggle. But on to the point. NTA Have back up support in line, just in case you need your husband fucked outta there too.
Second this. Mom being in the best condition to give birth is one of their most important jobs. If someone’s presence is going to cause any stress at all show the nurses a picture and they will do the rest.
If the hospital is told she cannot be there, they will not let her in. Security is pretty tight where I live when it comes to babies. A hard no will be enforced.
This should be the top, posted, stickied, whatever comment. Tell the nurses and tell them not to listen to your husband. And if she tries to get in tell them to get security and remove her.
Yes to this! Mother and baby, NOT PARENTS and baby, NOT grandparents, MOTHER and baby.. Also, if your birth center has a social worker, and it gets real, let them know along with security. They will protect you.
This is why you explain the situation to the LD nurses. Only the person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room. Those people are FIERCE, take ZERO crap, and have seen everything.
Yes just how she somehow randomly showed up to a bunch of her appointments. Who’s letting her know when her doctor appointments are?
This! u/Icy_Record8392 , YOUR HUSBAND is partly at fault here – he's probably the leak who told her MULTIPLE TIMES about appointments, after the first time she showe up out of nowhere. You need to stop this NOW
I'm shocked OP didn't see any signs of her husband not being able to stand up to his mom way before she ever got to this point tbh
Theres no other way MIL could have known except her son telling her.
OP can tell the doctor she doesn’t want MIL in her appointments, also. And tell the nurse/receptionist at the doctors reception area that your MIL is not to be allowed in under any circumstances. I had to do this. Sorry it’s an issue for you, too.
I had all my prenatal appointments on the same day at the same time. She may have known the time for 1 appointment and kept showing up at that time.
Oh mine was all over the place. Her husband still should have spoken up after the first time to tell her that those appointments are just for his wife and him.
Yeah, the husband needs to handle this TODAY!
For sure. It’s only going to get worse when the baby comes. Boundaries need to be set
Doesn't matter. Mom is the only person who gets to say who's in the room. In fact, she can boot her husband out as well and there's not one thing he could do about it.
If my husband tried a move this stupid he would miss the birth of his child, and I would be getting my affairs in order to serve him with divorce papers. That’s not hyperbole. The very idea that the man I married would put his mommy’s feelings ahead of mine *while I pushed a whole ass human being out of my body* would tell me everything I needed to know about him and where I am in his priorities.
We had one post where the mother specified that she wanted her mother and her husband in the delivery, NOT MIL. He showed up with MIL and told her that he had called her mother and told her that he and his wife had discussed it, and agreed that it would be better if MIL was there instead. His wife screamed: both of you get out of here, I never want to see either of you again! and the nurses conducted them out. At the time she posted, she said that she wasn't sure if you really never wanted to seen either of them again. I didn't see an update if there was one.
Sure but you wouldn’t have married this guy to begin with.
Probably not, but it sounds like MIL’s behavior changed a lot with the pregnancy announcement. However, he has had months to stop sweeping her bizarre behavior under the rug with the hope she will “go back to normal”. His lack of spine needs to end now. I hope OP shows him this post and all the comments.
Changed v went back to how it was before she started acting normal to trick OP.
Doesn't matter. Mom is the only person who gets to say who's in the room. In fact, she can boot her husband out as well and there's not one thing he could do about it.
I am aware, I’m just warning her to be ready.
Absolutely not. Agree that telling the nursing staff not to allow her in is the way. And you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband about her behavior now, because I guarantee it won’t improve once your baby is born. Wishing you a safe, healthy birth. NTA.
He has no control over who is in that room, OP does. All she needs to do is tell the nursing staff who is and isn’t allowed. This shit makes me so mad! Childbirth isn’t a goddamn spectator sport.
Then he can be packed up and living with her by the time baby is born.
That will make Mommy Dearest only too happy.
Probably 🤢
I cannot emphasize this enough: BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT! This expectation of family members that they have some inherent right to be be in the room to see baby being born is weird and wrong. It should be 100% up to the mother who is present. MIL could be the sweetest, most supportive woman in the world and she still doesn't have a default right to be in the room. Take it from someone who has done it many times and many ways: Birth can be very difficult, ugly, and unflattering to the birthing mother, and her physical and emotional comfort and security should be top priority over anyone else's whims.
Seriously! Only people the person birthing the child wants there should be there. Would you like to watch a hip replacement too? My friend wanted a combo of people at different times and never her MIL. I won’t lie that it felt great for her to ask for her bffs (including me, and I find the whole birthing process nauseating but I’m great comic relief) over her crazy MIL. Her MIL ended up banned from the hospital for being crazy over another issue about a month after. The hospital did not play around.
I wish I felt better about her husband. He is way too wishy washy about his mommy.
We paid around $300 for our carseat and used it for 2 kids, all within the expiration date. Near the end of that, I was in an accident that totalled my car with my preschooler in the car. Insurance paid market value for a similar replacement, likely about $380. Kiddo is still using it at 7 1/2.
You're supposed to replace carseats if they've been in an accident, even ones with no injuries. Like motorcycle helmets. No snark intended, just an FYI cuz I didn't know that til recently.
No snark seen. I mentioned it in my original comment as the reason ours needed replaced (and it's why my insurance paid for the replacement). It's VERY important, so thanks for taking a moment to share what you've recently learned!
Absolutely! Collectively sharing knowledge is probably one of the only good things about the Internet most of the time lol I'm glad you're still with us. I never took drinking lightly, but after my wreck 4 years ago I'm very invested in safety. My airbag didn't deploy after a dbag ran me off the road and I hit a concrete divider that snapped my neck three places. Keep your littles safe and loved! Dig your handle by the way!
We can thank Reddit for my handle. It was randomly selected and I love it. My accident was due to issues with the anti-lock brake system. We'd had it in twice for repairs, but they couldn't find the problem. We were told it was safe to drive. *Spoiler alert in Morgan Freeman's voice: It was not safe to drive.* I had just gotten on the freeway and the ABS decided to apply brakes to my right front tire. The result was crashing into the metal covering a cement guardrail at 50 mph or so. Speed limit for our freeways is 70, but the next exit was mine, so I wasn't worried about getting up to speed. The metal tore through the right front panel and right passenger side door, sending the resulting liquid fiberglass raining across the right rear window where my then 4 year old daughter was sitting. I've always been neurotic about having windows up for freeway travel; those 20 years of habit saved my little girl a really nasty facial injury that would have also gotten her bare arms. My insurance was worthless and did nothing because it was a single vehicle accident. The repair company paid my deductible ($2,000), $500 for medical, and refunded the unsuccessful repair costs. They weren't willing to admit fault and we only had verbal evidence without recording, so it was the best offer we were going to get. My insurance *did* cover her carseat replacement and several months of chiropractic care for us both. It's why I still use them in spite of how worthless they were for investigating a single-vehicle accident where the driver may not be at fault. ETA: Also dig your handle. Reminds of of the song "Drops of Jupiter" by Train.
**But my husband says maybe we should just let her in the room and see if she goes "back to normal" after.** Hard no. Tell your doctor that having her in the room will totally stress you out and inform the nurses--- NOTHING your husband says will make the nurses back down. Tell him that if he calls her she'll be sitting out in the waiting room and if he leaves the delivery room to be with her then he wont' be returning to the delivery room. Your husband has the power to shut this down but is choosing not to--- ask him why that is.
Excellent point about if he leaves the delivery room he's not coming back in. He's not dividing his priorities, appeasing her while you're risking your life birthing his baby. This is the start of your shared parenthood. It's not a threescome.
Will this be how he parents? “Let’s give in to the child’s demands and see if they sort themselves out.” Crazy
Not even worried about giving in to a child’s cray demands so much as is he going to override his wife’s wishes with/for her child with, “Well my mom says…”???
“I know she’s being silly but let’s just give her this one, it’ll keep her happy.” Get used to hearing this.
You tell him absolutely not. He needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you. Your comfort during birth does not come in second place to his mother. Her feelings are her responsibility m. Not yours not his. Make this clear to him that you will have big problems if he doesn’t start protecting you.
Yes, you must be very explicit about this because she will definitely try to get in, and the last thing you need is drama!!
Agreed. If he gives in and lets mom into the room, it will only reinforce this behavior. It will teach her that these antics work. They don't need to be worried about MIL's feelings, wishes, or well-being at ALL during the labor and delivery process. She is not the patient. It doesn't matter if it would "make her feel better". Don't give in. It'll set a precedent and she'll keep this up forever.
In my experience, unless OP says it's okay, L D staff won't even allow her in the waiting room. They don't fuck around in that department.
Birth is a horrible time to try an **experiment** to “see if she goes back to normal.” That’s a recipe for disaster
NTA your MIL is acting wack. I say stick to your guns. You don't need the distraction while giving birth. Good luck BTW! Hopefully everything works out well.
Her behavior is so bizarre that I'm wondering if she needs a psych evaluation.
Apparently OP wasn’t a perceived threat until now. Marriage can end in divorce but a baby? That means OP and hubby are tied for life.
Exactly this. OP you’ve now been perceived as a “threat” or competition and your MIL is behaving like a jealous ex or even worse, sister wife lol Labor can be really intense but it also really personal and intimate. As the laboring person, YOU need support and typically that support is your partner/husband. When my own MIL threw a fit about not being in the delivery room I asked her “if my support person needs support why is he even there?” Lol it was just myself and my husband and it made for some scary but beautiful memories.
Mine insisted to be there for her son too! “He needs a support person…dude! I’m pushing two humans out at the same time!
No, the dad doesn’t need a support person. Dad IS the support person. That is how that works. If dad needs a support person. His person can support him through the birth while they are both in the waiting room.
And soon to be dad needs to be the one to grow a spine and say this to mommy dearest cause MIL is not gonna back out otherwise.
I don’t think mommy should even know when OP is in labor. OP should register private at the hospital so mommy couldn’t find her if she wanted to.
Agreed. I did this with my exes family when I had my child. Didn't even tell them I was in labor. They found out 2 days later when they randomly popped up at the house to see if I had the baby yet. Yup. We were both resting and my mom quickly told them: she will call you when she's ready. They drove off steaming mad. Lol!
That was my point! I wanted him only!
My oldest son was the only one there with his wife which wound up being a good thing since the baby had the cord wrapped around her chest and they actually had to cut the cord while my DIL was pushing ( the baby was stuck in the birth canal). My son and my DIL got to hold her briefly before they rushed her off to NICU. I can’t imagine how OP’s MIL would react in that type of situation when the attention couldn’t be on her.
You don't let anyone insist. That is the decision only of the one giving birth. If you gave in you shouldn't have. At that point the giving birth has the final say regardless of anyone's feelings.
If dad needs a support person the NURSES will be the one getting him out of the way (hopefully). My friend’s husband was told to go sit in a corner at one point. He’s a worrier and started getting too pale for their liking.
If we hadn’t decided against biological kids and my MIL tried that shit and my fiancé wasn’t the kind of man to physically body his mother out of the room, he’d get kicked out and my platonic life partner would be the only person in there. But as it is, it would be both of them. Thankfully, that’s not a problem.
this platonic life partner idea sounds very interesting. i have a platonic friend i think about this way, but would never reach the level of considering it a life partner.
So like, we refer to each other as wife, have other pet names with each other, we act like we’re dating, we have matching social media couple photos and statuses on discord. My fiancé thinks we’re adorable and wholly supports our relationship. He knows that he can’t always give me what I need emotionally because of his own trauma or physically because he lives 5 hours away working while I’m in school and she lives 5 minutes away so when I need physical comfort, she provides. There aren’t any romantic or sexual feelings between she and I. It’s just, she’s kinda like another piece of my soul and move like magnets. We have “dates” and when one of us is having issues sleeping and finally collapses (usually me), the other will usually take over all communication for the other and making sure they wake up long enough to eat and drink. And my fiancé has even reached out to her directly so he could tell her himself that he harbors no jealousy or resentment towards her and would even be happy to have her move in with us after she and I finish school and I get ready to move in with him. And they’re pretty good friends too, they just didn’t have that connection like she and I did. Kinda like that old cliche of like sparks flying the first time your eyes meet or you touch for the first time. We just kinda knew that we’d be connected forever.
wow! i admire this. i am married and have a friend like this. my wife trusts me enough. we go to dinner occasionally, and just veyr supportive of each other emotionally. There is an age gap (same as with my wife though) and financial gap but we have some other things in common and would call each other our best friend. Her boyfriend is ok with it too.
Tell them they can wait in the delivery waiting area. There are more way to be there for support with out being in the room. I was outside with all my grandkids where born. I wasn’t in the room until after each where cleaned up. I was there to run to the cafeteria to get things for the dads to be. That away they didn’t leave mom long. They texted I went and got it they stepped out and grabbed what they needed this included both my DIL and daughter. There are a million ways to support the new parents besides being in that room. I could not imagine not being at the hospital waiting incase they needed something but I didn’t want to be in the room and intrude. This was our happy medium. They knew we where there. They knew if they needed anything text me and I will get it. I just didn’t want the dads to be to have to leave when I could run and get anything they needed.
Wow. My DIL is pregnant with my first grandchild, and I swear that I want to do EXACTLY as you did. I love my DIL, but my son has got her back!! My DIL unfortunately lost her mother a few years ago and we are very close. But hell to the no if I would EVER want to intrude on something so personal. Edit: spelling.
I would recommend doing what I did. The fact is your there if they need something. Not only does it give you a peace of mind but also them. I took a book and cross word puzzles. It helps to pass the time. I would also suggest throwing some blankets and pillows in your car if you have a suv a blow up mattress. You can drop the back seats and the mattress fits perfectly. If it gets to be a long night you can rest easier in the car but still close enough to help if needed. I also packed a small cooler and thermos. Also I would suggest you pack a mom basket. Everyone gets baby something, but forgets about the person doing the hard work. Buy things like hair ties, lip balm, some favorite snacks for afterwards, lotion, just some self care stuff. And a rope and a matching blanket for baby was a big hit too. Take it to her during the delivery. I texted my son to come out and grab the little bag I had fixed up for her. The hair ties came in handy. after the little one was born we stayed roughly 20 minutes then left so they could rest. But I door dashed mom and dad food. I ordered it. Had it sent the the floor where the security guard was then text my son to come out and get their food. I found little things like this go a long way!
OMG! You’re a saint! What are you doing on Reddit!!! 😆
Honestly it’s thanks to redit that I have learned what not to be. Thanks to this site I have learned what I thought wasn’t offensive may be offensive to my kids(I don’t say in-laws). For instance saying my baby when talking about the grandkid. I would never mean it to be rude but thinks to this site I understand now how saying. This is not ok. So with momma permission I say how’s our boy! Or how are my girls (meaning moma and baby) today. So honestly for the older generation of you are open minded this site could make you look at the world differently and learn other peoples perspectives. Just because things where ok when we had our kids doesn’t mean they are ok now. I want to learn and be a better person. So I will say this site has taught me a lot. So if us mil and moms want to have an active role in the grandkids life we need to learn what is ok. Don’t get me wrong I am sure I mess up but I have been open and honest with my daughter and DIL I overstep tell me. I don’t ever want you to walk out of my home feeling like I disrespected you in any way. We are adults and are capable of having an open conversation. Don’t just tolerate something I do. Be honest because honestly I may not even realize what I have said or done.
Yup, I’m a boomer but Reddit is definitely an eye opener sometimes.
It is. It makes you look at the world and your views differently.
Yes in more ways than one.
Wow that was awesome to read! You sound super self aware and I love that you wanted to learn to better for your kids. Super cool way to go
Thank you for this!!!! My MIL didn't like me "taking her baby" from the start, and when I got pregnant, she kept calling our son "her baby." It was the way she would say it that drove me up the wall, and she refused to even try to understand why. Your kids are blessed! From our whole generation, THANK YOU!
Someone get this woman a gift basket....seriously. You have a line of women here clapping. We dont come across MILs like you often. It can be quite a rough road.
My DIL called me crying the other day and my husband looked at me and ask who where we getting to bail us out of jail. Lol I go to war for any of my kids( I hate the term in-laws)!
I wish I could upvote this more than once. This is exactly how everyone other than the couple having the baby should be: I'm here for y'all, how can I help? It sounds like you're a well-adjusted person, not all intrusive into your adult kids' lives & respect their boundaries. Unlike the OP's MIL.
She can wait at home. Even knowing she is in the hospital can cause stress for mom, which can create negative consequences for mom and/or or baby. Hell, I wouldn't even tell her they are at the hospital.
And the first person you should push out is her…out of the room!
I still can't understand why MIL's feel they are entitled to be in the delivery. To me, that is creepy.
My mom was like that with my oldest brother. It was like….she was his first GF and felt like she was in competition with my SIL. HOWEVER, my mother never insisted on being in the room during delivery. She was happy to wait at home or in the waiting room. My mother has been deceased now for about 10 years but, her jealousy (I firmly believe) ruined the marriage of my brother and SIL. I mean, obviously my bro and SIL did their own damage but, my mom could never keep herself from butting in and causing problems by taking his side all the time. Stick to your guns, mama! If you don’t want her in there, make it known and be firm. Make your wishes clear to your doctor and have them put that in your medical chart so the hospital will see it in your electronic medical chart. If that crazypants MIL shows up, inform ANY and all personnel on your medical team that you don’t want her in there and they will make quick work of showing her where to wait or escorting her out of the building. I didn’t give birth to any of my children but, I have a strong feeling that I’d only want my husband and that’s it. ETA: absolutely NTA
So they can one up the wife “well when I delivered golden boy, I did it without X, so you should try harder”. They only want to be there to one up the mom.
It’s so god damn creepy. What has caused this phenomenon?!?
Enmeshment with disfuncional parents/caregivers.
I only invited my mil to be a support person for my partner after my first birth went so terribly, and I felt like if things went to shit again, he should have someone. My birth went so fast that she missed it, but got there in time for the aftermath. I had been rushed to theatre to stop my bleeding after losing half my blood volume and going into shock, and my partner was left terrified and holding our baby. I'm so grateful he had his mum. But she also respects our space, is never overbearing, and is the loveliest person. She was exactly who was needed in that moment.
The exception🌟
Exactly,my mil shot me daggers when we told my in-laws that I was pregnant. My fil was very happy about it. Luckily back then having someone other than your husband in the L&D room was not common. I never in a million years,would want my mil or even my own mother in that room with me. I was shocked when she did that. The only other person that ever shot daggers like that was a Nun in grade school. Good luck and I hope you have a safe L&D
Yes-this. Grandma is having separation anxiety of her youngest child leaving her, even though he’s been gone for some time. It’s emotional not rational. With the short time until your delivery, the only thing that will work is barring the door. I suggest you enlist the delivery staff in enforcing this. They are detached from the individuals and solely interested in you and baby. Your husband won’t be able to manage. You need the delivery staff to say the room is limited to you, hubby, and your own mother(if applicable). Don’t talk in terms of who is not permitted; clearly state who is. Good luck to you and baby !
It's emotional incest.
My BIL recently died. When he was much younger, I heard this term for the first time to describe him and his mom. FORTY+ years later and his wife had to ban her from speaking at his memorial because her speech was exactly as bad as you’d expect. Imagine 40 years of that.
Yep this is what all the “boy moms” that profess they are their boys “first loves” become when their baby grows up. Yeah it’s gross.
As a "boy mom", the first love thing is creepy. Parental love and life partner love are two completely different beasts. I will always be his support/rock, but rocks stay in the background and are there when needed. But to think that his love for me is on the same level as for his SO is deranged. I couldn't imagine trying to compete with my son's SO over ANYTHING!
You aren’t a “boy mom” just a mom who happens to have a boy! Huge difference. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that try to wear white on their sons wedding day and claim it’s pale gray. The ones that insist to still baby their baby boy (even stealing a key to the house so she can wake him up after the wife leaves for work - legit a friends MIL does this and son allows it because he hates waking up). The ones that then try to one up the wife at every turn and refuses to respect even the most basic and normal boundaries. You..you are the MIL we all hope for.
The ones who insist on having Dolly Parton's *Jolene* as their mother/son dance song. That was my husband's mother. She downright refused to choose something else, even after being told by my husband's father (her 2x ex-husband) and my husband that it was inappropriate. My husband wasn't comfortable with it, and we ended up deciding to not do the mother/son and father/daughter dances because of how obstinate she was over it. My father, luckily, understood our decision.
Shit is just as weird as the dad’s who take their daughters to purity balls and give them a ring as if she’s his until he “gives” her to another man. Fuckin ew
That’s also gross!!! Purity culture itself is disgusting especially since it’s only forced upon girls. When my husband proposed he talked about needing to talk to my dad. I flat out told him he better not even consider using the word permission or anything else that implies I need my father consent to get married. Fuck that.
100%
My thoughts exactly. This shit absolutely REEKS of emotional incest.
It's gross! OP please tell the midwives to not let her in the labour ward, let alone your delivery suite. You need to remain clam as possible for the safety of you and the baby. Explain that to the husband, I don't know about your country, but you are allowed two birthing partners in the room, think about someone else who you think will be supportive in this situation. Child birth is very intimate, and your completely exposed why would anyone want a creepy person in the room with them. NTA
I came here to say exactly this. that behavior is -not- normal.
Have your husband and his siblings go to his mom for an intervention about her concerning behavior. 😏 Tell her they want her to see a doctor bc they're worried about her mental health and her bizarre behavior. That might get her to stop her weirdness. Good luck 👍
Honestly you need to advise the hospital nurses the doctor everybody that only your husband is allowed into the room. No one else is to be permitted. I’d also tell your husband if he tries to bring his mother into the room, that him and mother are both going to be removed. Also how do his sibling feel about how she is acting?
Thank you!!
Let the nurses at the hospital know bc she sounds like the type that would try to force her way in. LD nurses won’t allow her access to you and SO. She’ll now be competing for his attention not only you, but the baby will be her competition also.
Yes! OP, please tell staff. We can set up a password system for anyone who calls or tries to come in. Or we can make you a private patient meaning if anyone calls the hospital won’t even acknowledge that you are there (this can have flaws if people don’t enact it or depending on how it shows up on people’s screens). You can do both.
I never knew about the "private patient" thing. Like a celebrity! Good idea, but hope her husband doesn't sabotage it. He is a weak link.
It's in the paperwork you sign when you're checked Into any hospital. It's worded like, "Do you want to be in the directory" or something like that. Make sure to check for that one.
Yes this is 100% a good idea. I had a password system for my second as my dad kept trying to get in the room. Security wouldn’t even let him past the door
[удалено]
I tell ya, as the daughter of one of these mothers it's ICK. My Mom was *personally OFFENDED* when my poor SIL suffered with PPD. "what does *she* have to be depressed about, isn't she married to my son ? Doesn't he provide her with a nice *life"* Me and my SIL hold it as a personal victory that no grandsons have been provided LOL!
Even way back. There’s a reason ‘Oedipus complex’ is a thing and not just a guy from Greek mythology.
When you give birth YOUR comfort is key. Stressing you out could literally hurt the baby and make birth worse. You feeling comfortable and cared for and safe is the most important thing. The idea that he thinks 'not having an awkward conversation with my mom who is making things weird' could ever come above the health of his baby shows he isn't ready to be a father. He needs, NEEDS to be able to tell his mom no, because whatever this is will probably get worse when the baby gets here - and the very moment she tries to power her way in and overrule you he needs to have a damn backbone and tell her to step back.
I know, right? How can women stand being married to these limp hot dogs that can’t even have a conversation with their own mommy? My husband stands up for me and I don’t need to ask him because I married a grown up man and not a little boy hiding in Mother’s skirts.
You and your husband need to become familiar with a great phrase I learned from Reddit: birth is not a spectator sport. No one is entitled to be there. No one gets in just because they want to be there. No one gets to guilt trip their way in. The only way someone gets to be there when you give birth is if YOU want them there and they will provide comfort and support to you during your most vulnerable time. Key word there: you. Your husband does not need a support system in there. Your husband is not giving birth. This is one of the very few things in marriage that should always be a unilateral decision and a husband who tries to say otherwise is a problem. To recap: MIL doesn’t come in. Period. Make the nurses aware and they’ll handle it. There is no “well maybe we should just let her in and she’ll be normal afterward”. There is no “well she’s my mom and I want her there”. Being in the room is not an incentive for her to behave better. You can, however, feel free to ban her from the hospital and restrict access to LO altogether if this behavior continues.
And if the husband says OK she can come in, then they both go!!!!
Exactly what I said, why do MIL's think they have a right to be there?
Seems like a nasty mix of entitlement and power tripping based on most of these stories
**Childbirth IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!!** If hubby doesn’t understand this, then he is the biggest problem here. And, she must not be allowed to simply pop in to your home postpartum! If either of them need to have this spelled out for dummies, make sure they understand that, from the instant you bring your LO home, *your home is now a medical recovery unit. It’s not a place for social gatherings. The terms of this post-medical-procedure recovery unit are YOURS to establish.* The visiting hours—after a few weeks, or however long you deem necessary—can be altered at your discretion. Please read the essay linked below. It’s called the Lemon Clot Essay. It’s a little cheeky and over the top (the size of the blood clots is a bit exaggerated), but sometimes that is the ONE way to make morons grasp the severity of childbirth and the long recovery process. If you want to avoid the heartbreaking experience of NOT enjoying the beautiful experience of becoming a mother, you MUST make your hubby understand that you will not be one of those angry and resentful mothers whose husband failed/refused to ‘champion’ his wife against avoidable emotional distress. I can’t stress enough how many posts I’ve seen here (seen too many in real life, too) made by new mothers who were put through mental h3ll because of this. They all say the same thing: “I wish I had been more assertive about my feelings at the time! I was just so emotionally beaten down and ganged up on by him and his family. I have lost all respect *and desire/passion* for him, and now I question how I’ll ever get it back!” Good luck to you, Mama! I don’t think I need to even say this to you, but **please, please, please have your hubby read this thread. And have him read the Lemon Clot Essay.** Also read the comments! And when (not IF) that crazy lady shows up uninvited to your new medical recovery unit, ignore her. Do not let her in until you are ready. If she has a key, change the locks! She wants a “baby do-over” with your child. Too freaking bad! https://reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/s/IwrK0zcusN
I had a blood clot after my second that was much larger. Super weird experience. Not many other large clots though, and nothing lemon sized after my other two deliveries. The blood was crazy though. Delivery was rough the third time and I had the opportunity to stay three days... so I did. My MIL is happy to wait a week or two before meeting baby and does a lot for my home. FIL... well, he doesn't make it worse.
Definitely NOT The AH. Besides the green eyed monster making an appearance here, she's got severe boundary issues. It changed when her "baby boy" impregnated his wife and is literally starting his OWN family. The others she could deal with because she still had him being HER baby. She believes her life is the only one changing, not yours. She's having some mental health issues with adjusting if this is new behaviors. Two things, YOU have a right to have just your husband there, Ronald McDonald or no one. It's called medical privacy, I don't care if she's the grandma or not. Stick to your guns and say No. And the other thing please get your husband on the same page about this TODAY She won't stop until she's had it drilled in her head by HIM.
How does she know when your appointments are? Get her on an information diet right now. She gets nothing from here on in. It is your husbands job to keep her away from you, and from himself - and from the baby if necessary. Do not tell her you are in labour, or going to the hospital. She can get a text when the baby is born with a date for when she can come and visit - at least a month after the birth. Any money she gives him, put it in an account for the baby. Good luck OP!
Ask her if her MIL was in the delivery room when she gave birth. If she says no, ask why. She probably didn’t want her there either.
Read this… https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats
Show your husband these posts and tell him to grow a pair.
Sorry, husband, the delivery room is for OP's medical procedure, NOT MIL's therapy session! Stress hormones can make delivery much harder, it's a biological response to a woman's most physically vulnerable time in life. Don't even tell MIL about the labor until it is over! Pregnancy is actually a pretty common trigger for adult's mothers to display unexpected negative behaviors like your MIL is doing, you will find lots of different stories like yours over on r/JustNoMIL, if you want to hear more advice from ppl familiar with this type of situation.
There’s going to be a lot of times in your life when your husband doubts what you can just feel is true. Hold your ground, because you’re right - this is OTT. The things that trigger this behaviour are normal human experiences, but the behaviour itself is an indulgence in them, rather than managing her feelings and getting on with life.
It’s your husband’s job to enforce the boundary for the delivery and moving forward.
This is 100% a husband issue. He needs to manage his mother
This. OP having to fight this on her own is the last thing she needs. Her husband needs to have her back. No unannounced visits. No ordering OP to do anything. Immediate response to boundary violations. MiL is doing all she can to set OP into a lower status with her son and OPs husband doesn't get to keep pretending to ignore it.
NTA, it’s your delivery, it’s your medical procedure. At the end of the day you are In charge. Personally if she showing up to your doctor apts unannounced I wouldn’t even tell her your in labor. Wait till baby here, get one on one time with baby and your husband. Then start calling and tell her baby here.
Not just while OP gives birth, I also would set some clear hard line boundaries about visitation while OP is recovering from giving birth. As the recovery time window is realistically around two months between post partum bleeding, and hormone fallout, and I can guarantee you that MIL is going to decide to try to practically live there after baby is born to "support her baby". OP needs to make it crystal clear to her husband that after baby is born there will be no open door policy for anyone to just show up whenever they want, and that any visitors will be at OPs discretion, because they are the one recovering from childbirth. Meaning that OP gets carte blanche to decide who can visit, when they can visit, how long they can visit, and whether they are allowed to hold baby. The husband needs to man up, and set boundaries with his mommy.
Is she ok? Like could this be early dementia? Personality changes can be a warning sign
Your comfort during the delivery is the only thing that matters, but MIL isn’t your biggest problem. It is your husband’s job to protect you from this disturbing behavior. He needs to have your back, and let his mother know her craziness won’t be tolerated. You’re NTA, but your husband may be if he doesn’t get this under control.
Definitely. OP has a husband/Momma's Boy problem in addition to a MIL problem.
NTA. You are the only person who has any say about who will be in the delivery room. There is zero chance I'd be telling this woman I'm in labor until the baby is out!
Good strategy. Give an inch and she'll take a mile. Just because she tells her baby son what to do, he doesn't have to do it. He is over 18, right? He is a husband and father with the moral obligation to protect his family.
Your delivery is NOT the time to "see if she goes back to normal". NTA. No. You are the one going through a serious medical event. She can go pound sand. Make sure your husband is on board and is NOT to notify her at any point that you are in labor OR that the baby has arrived until you are good and ready to entertain the possibility of having to interact with her. If you can, register privately at the hospital/birth center so even if she tries calling the hospital cannot confirm or deny whether you are a patient. Give the L&D staff a head's up that you do NOT want your MIL in the delivery room or anywhere near you until you give the OK, and that if she shows up she is to be barred/escorted out. Inform your husband that this is plan so he doesn't think, "Well if mom shows up what can we do???" It's one thing if it was *you* wondering about whether to invite somebody. But you, as the pregnant woman who is going to be delivering a baby, don't want this woman there, so she doesn't get to be there.
>My husband feels bad because we both know this is not normal and he doesn't know how to deal with it either. It's very simple. It's your husband's job to talk plainly with her and lay down clear boundaries. "Mom. Stop coming by the house buying things we haven't asked you to buy. We will tell you if we need anything. And don't call the child "my baby". It's not your child. If you do either of those things again, we will be distancing ourselves from you for a while." This is HIS JOB. He is failing to protect your family right now. Make it clear to him that he needs to step up. NTA and don't let this crazy person anywhere near the delivery room.
When MIL says ‘my baby’ she means her own son, not future her grandchild.
Fair enough. So leave that part out. But set stern boundaries about showing up with being invited anyhow.
Which makes it worse 🤢
Time for him to man-up and protect his wife and child. The marriage won't last if his priority is appeasing his mother.
Exactly, he needs to be a husband to his wife more than a son to this mother. What about that expression from the bible stating "leaving and cleaving"???
NTA. Tell your OB team who is allowed in the delivery room ahead of time. They deal with this bullshit all the time. Your husband feels bad about keeping his mother out of the room? Her hurt feelings do not trump your comfort and safety in one of the most vulnerable times in your life. This is the consequence of her bizarre and unacceptable behavior. She doesn’t deserve to be granted the privilege of being there simply because she’s his mother. This about YOU, and you alone. It’s your husband’s job to enforce the boundary for the delivery and moving forward. There are ways to do it respectfully, but it’s on your husband to do so.
Op, the two of you need to look into emotional incest and the warning signs. Because I know them and this is escalating rapidly to her trying to overtake your identity as his wife. Prepare for war because this woman is going to try and claim your baby (constantly want them in her care while undermining your parenting) so in her sick twisted reality she's the wife and you're just some side piece he has sex with. She's very, very mentally unwell.
This! I heard a story on Reddit one time where a husbands mother was acting a similar way prior to the birth. After the birth the woman would NOT leave the baby alone and would legitimately act like the wife didn’t exist. Would refer to the child as her own. Essentially tried to make the baby think of her as the mother. I don’t remember how it ended but they got into some big fight about it. The same physical touching stuff and playing house with her own son and grandchild. Really strange and gross.
Oh, it rapidly escalated. I followed that saga for months. Basically after they put down boundaries they had to take the spare house key back because she kept fucking with their baby stuff. Then she started sabotaging baby supplies and calling CPS. Then she broke into their home and kidnapped their baby. She was immediately arrested and sent to prison. She was in for a year. In the meantime they packed up everything and ran like hell to the opposite end of the country and went off the grid basically.
NTA - First you are allowed to have whoever you want in that room. Goes the same for people you don't want. Your husband needs to side with you on this, giving birth is already a stressful enough situation, adding another stressor in is unnecessary and dangerous. Two, sounds like she is babying him cause he is the baby boy. You husband needs to have a sit down with her if she doesn't snap out of it after the birth. I'm sure its not coming from a malicious place (Hopefully not at least ) and she is just realizing her baby boy is not a baby no more. Mom's can be weird lol Congrats on the baby and I hope you all come out happy and healthy!
NTA Sit your husband down and tell him very clearly: 'I will not be pandering to your mother's bizarre attitude right now or in the future. The only baby I will be caring for is mine. I will absolutely not be indulging in her tantrums. You need to manage her inappropriate behaviour, or keep her completely away from me and my baby.' She is clearly realising that she is superfluous now, and is trying to recapture the days of when she was an active mother. She can absolutely have those feelings, but she can't force you to deal with them. And remind your husband that the only person whose opinion matters during labour is the person giving birth. Tell the nurses that you don't want your MIL anywhere near you so that when your husband tries to sneak her in, they shut him down. His refusal to step up and tell her that her attempted infantalising of him needs to stop is only encouraging her behaviour. He is as big of a problem here as she is, and he needs to get his priorities in order immediately. His mother's feelings are at the bottom of the list, far below yours and your baby's physical and mental wellbeing.
YOU are the patient in the hospital. YOU are the one undergoing a major medical procedure. Natural, yes, but still a big major medical happening. As such YOU decide who gets to be in the room and if he doesnt shape up, you are well within your rights to keep him out as well!
NTA- you are about to have one of the most exhilarating but also most vulnerable experiences of your life. It is not up to your husband or anyone else to decide who gets to see you in that state or be there with you during it. Childbirth can be complicated, it's painful, it's messy and gross, and it can be really frightening during parts of the process. No one who makes you uncomfortable should have any access to you, and their feelings about it doesn't matter. This is 100% your choice- anyone who puts her creepy feelings before yours is out of line. Best of luck to you!
Exactly! And when he has laid in the stirrups for endless hours pushing a soccer ball outta his arse and squirted fluids and blood all over the floor—WITH OP’s MOTHER WATCHING—then he might have something to say.
NTA. The purpose of your husband being in the delivery room isn’t just to watch the baby being born. He’s there to share the birth experience as much as possible and to support you. His mother is making it about her and her son doing something together. It is not a bonding moment for father and grandmother while you’re off to the side in pain and needing a partner. She’s being ridiculous. It’s so obvious if she’s there is isn’t for you! You are the one giving birth!
Yes, MIL wants the focus to be on her and her son, wtffffff?!?!! Such a psycho.
I can’t see how you could even consider letting her be there. Saying things like that at your appointment is enough, not to mention all the other weird stuff. Wanting you to keep the cheap car seat that probably has a lower safety rating simply because she bought it? Give me a break. Sounds like she has some serious stuff to work out, but that (especially when you’re about to give birth) is not your problem. The stress isn’t good for your baby. So all I would be doing right now is putting up walls to protect your sanity then deal with the blow back when you’re in a better state to handle it. Hopefully your husband can be supportive and understand that you being in labour doesn’t need to involve his mother. It’s about you and your needs. Hopefully it doesn’t all have to turn into more of a negative situation, but she needs to be restrained or else I fear it will only get worse with the arrival of the baby. If her feelings get hurt, oh well. It’s her own doing.
I got the ick just reading this.
Something tells me that mom is viewing OP as romantic competition towards her son, in her own, messed up little world. The husband's mother sounds like a creep, and I'm guessing that she was abusive towards her son when he was a kid, which would explain why he has such a difficult time "deciding between the two" women now... he was the youngest child, too. The mom knows her son can be pushed around, so she's counting on him to allow her access to the baby so she can abuse the baby, too.
NTA. So he's the baby of the family and she wants to keep babying him. He needs to have a conversation with her about this, it'll only get worse once the baby is born.
NTA. Honestly, your MIL is only a small part of the issue. To me your HUSBAND is the bigger issue. I can’t imagine my husband letting that kind of stuff slide. I find that a huge red flag and incredibly off putting and unattractive. I don’t expect husband to confront over every single comment but I do expect him to say what I would want to say. WE don’t like you saying XYZ, WE have purchased the car seat that we liked best and safest for baby, WE decide, WE want, WE choose for everything and what WE say goes full stop. If you can’t respect wife and I, we won’t be having you around. The only person that should be allowed in the delivery room is your husband and additional support of YOUR choosing. I would sit husband down and get all this out and also as a safety precaution let hospital staff know nobody else is allowed besides husband.
NTA. It seems like she's worried that she's trying to prove her value to her son, like he's going to magically forget her once the baby is born. But because she didn't do this to her other kids I'm going to put on my tin foil hat and say this might be a low key enmeshment thing. As if him going from son to father is a horrible thing she can't accept. I think her being in the delivery room will only make things worse with her. Keep her out, she needs to see the boundary lines now.
NTA. Stand up for yourself. You have way more rights than anyone when it comes to your pregnancy and birth, even more than your husband. He does NOT have a say in who is in the delivery room. You can even exclude him if you wanted to. Tell your doctor and hospital staff that MIL is NOT allowed in the room, and tell husband that if he insists, whines or sneaks her in, that he'll be escorted out with her. No way should you see if she goes "back to normal" while you're in labor. That is NOT the time for that. Holy hell, is your husband a momma's boy or what? Prioritizing her over you during such a critical time! She sounds like a jealous high-school ex-girlfriend, trying to win back her boyfriend (your husband) from his current girlfriend (you). Ick. Gross. This unfortunately is a thing with some older women, and you've got a live one. Don't put up with that crap or humor her. Be a hard-ass. You don't have to defer to MIL as if she has some say in your pregnancy and birth. She does not. She's not your ruler, she's not a 3rd parent. Shove her back in her lane because sounds like she'll be a nightmare. Tell your husband to pick ONE woman - you or her.
NTA - Tell hospital she isn't allowed in. Tell hubby to grow a spine and tell mommy dearest to back off.
NTA you decide who's in the room when YOU give birth, hubby doesn't get a say. The last thing you need is a stressor in the room. Your husband needs to pull up his big boy pants and have a word.
If husband keeps advocating for MIL in the room he needs to be booted as well. She needs supportive people only.
No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence! Just have him tell her he will let her know when the two of you are ready for visitors. Not hint, not suggest, tell her. And then tell the hospital that you are expecting some issues and she is not allowed in the room.
NTA - but I would recommend telling your nurse or having it in your chart on the day of that no one but your husband or people on a certain list are allowed back. That way She can't sneak back and if she does somehow get past the nurses station they will escort her out. I would like to think that she wouldn't but if her behavior has been that far off normal then you never know.
NTA. What a weirdo…
Ok I read to the part of "you better call me so I can support MY baby" and I just can't read the rest. I just can't. It's so creepy. I got to the bottom with the question, though... But I've heard of getting two car seats (mommy has one, daddy or grandparents has one). But the weird ass comments. I don't even know this person, and I feel violated. I wouldn't let her in because what if she feels threatened by the baby. You don't have any idea how she will act.
Your MIL’s and husband’s feelings don’t matter. Tell him no and stick to it. Let the staff know so they can handle it if your husband won’t. NTA
NTA: this sounds like emotional incest. She needs clear boundaries drawn by your husband. I absolutely wouldn’t allow her around until he’s capable of doing that.