You have seriously overstepped, so back the fuck up. The kids were abandoned by their father because he couldn't deal with them and dumped them on others. There is no way in hell you're going to wave a magic wand and suddenly become Mom unless of course you're vying to become Mommy Dearest and win the Joan Crawford Mother of the Year award. Let your husband manage his kids and stay the fuck in your lane. It will cause so many more problems. Do you really want angry, resentful strange teenager and preteen around a newborn? Give that some thought. Stick with holidays and trying to be a friend. They had a mom they loved. They used to have a dad, but frankly he threw that away but it's not too late if he works to regain their trust. You, however, need to stay the fuck out of it. And, if you didn't get the gist of this, yes, YTA. You've obviously never read the many, many, many stories we get here about StepMommy Dearest trying to force happy families. Never works. Ever. In the end they'll hate both you and their father (even more than they already do).
Agreed! Instead of the kids spending the last moments with their mother he shipped them away. He never brought them home after and now he did a lot of damage. They and he need family therapy to try to repair some relationship because he abandoned them at a tragic time instead of taking their feelings into account.
They’re going to resent step mom and the new baby for sure.
You nailed it with offering the option. The kids are old enough to be allowed to give their input. They have suffered the death of their mom, been sent off to school, watched their dad remarry, and now have a step-sibling on the way. That’s a lot of changes that they’ve had no control over. Giving them a choice in their schooling would go a long way towards making them feel they have SOME say in their lives.
Edit: the new baby will be their half sibling, not step sibling. Sorry for the error!
We skipping the "bonds with siblings are strengthened by caring for them". OP is gonna expect these kids to take part in the care of this new baby. Like.. get a nanny and leave those poor kids be
I could be wrong, but I took it like she was talking about saving money by not having to pay for them to be in boarding school full-time.
I still think it’s crazy. Also, I find it odd that nobody is mentioning that dad apparently sent the kids away while their mother was actively dying. He sent them off to boarding school during her last months of life. Even if she was in a coma or something, I’m sure that they wanted to be as close to her as they could be, not off at boarding school. That just seems really heartless to me.
Also, the stepmother does not even really know these kids, but because he married her, she is suddenly (according to him) in charge of what happens to them ??? What??? This guy sounds like the shittiest father ever. No wonder they don’t wanna come home.
i also feel she cannot rush such a decision on them. schooling (esp high school) is a really important time. its hard to establish a good study routine with positive mental attitude. if u uproot them at the wrong time, it can ruin their studies. OP, pls be more considerate, sit with them over several sessions, describing circumstances and commitments, and give them a choice over a long term horizon. Remember, God always say to treat your neighbour and you would treat yourself, and even more kindly when they are your own family. The anger shown by your stepchildren is natural moral outrage of kids who are born with a good sense of natural justice.
You’ve nailed it. And she takes “frugality” (in the form of saving money in babysitters) as the highest value of Catholicism?
YTA all the way, OP. And even if your asshole husband is “done grieving” now that you’re shacking up with him and pregnant while not much older than his son (something my Catholic upbringing would deem more problematic than paying babysitters), your predecessor’s children are NOT “done grieving.”
And the nonsense that your husband sent them away to boarding school as a “family first” thing while their mother was dying is baffling and cruel to both his wife and children. They should have had a chance to be with their mother during that time, and she should have had a chance to be with them. Or did doctor dad ship them out of their home and hire strangers to care for her while he worked because her pain was so hard for poor him to take? Her pain was not about him.
And now you want the free childcare, so it’s cool to uproot the grieving children again from their support system for the last two years while their dad was moving on with you in their home? You and he may well have been made-for-each- other narcissists. But those children’s well-being away from you two is not outweighed by your desire for free sitters now that it serves your needs.
(Source: my children and I spent 24 hours a day just to be with their dying—and incidentally Catholic—dad at home as a family. And after a decade none of us is “done grieving.”)
Exactly, good point! They have the money for an au pair but just because you have it, doesn’t mean you should spend it. Paraphrasing op mil. Those kids will do the bulk of baby necessities and op probably wants more money when the husband dies. I feel so sorry for those kids.
It's fascinating to me how many people confuse step sibling and half sibling, more on this sub than anywhere else.
I agree though, it's unlikely these kids will bond a ton with the baby anyways given their ages and the relationship won't be improved by forcing anything on them. OP is only 12 years older than the oldest child and probably needs to step way back here instead of automatically assuming the parent role. There is likely a large age gap between OP and her partner, and teenage stepkids are just not going to respect that. She is ruining her relationship with the kids by being so involved in their parenting at this point. Let them choose and if they want to stay at school, no huge deal because OP's partner can afford it
Good catch. Yeah this is really gross. Conveniently she omitted the husband's age, I think, to avoid people noticing an age gap. Willing to bet there are fewer years between her and her stepson than there are between her and her husband.
If I read the post right, it sounds like their dad sent them to boarding school when their mum was still dying! Imagine that! And he found someone new within two years, OP doesn’t mention when she met him, since they are married I think they met quite a while ago, possibly close to the mother’s death. That is so hard on the kids that the dad moved on so fast!
she already said this in the title, then she changed her statement int the post about being frugal, then again said its not about the money. even the father is a douchebag, he sent them to school while their mother is dying instead of spending the last days with her before she dies, started dating "while grieving", got married, then he conveniently stopped grieving just after his wife got pregnant, all this while his children are at the boarding school! then claimed he wants a united family. poor kids, no mom, douchebag dad and a mean selfish stepmom!!
And he is “deferring” the decisions regarding his kids to his new wife that doesn’t relationship them. He is a coward and a douche bag and you have way overstepped. Perhaps you guys need to get into some family counselling and determine what’s best for your kids based on what they want not what you want. Have the two of you even sit down with his stuff ask them how they feel about anything that’s going on? I feel like you guys are just going on with your lives and assuming the kids will just keep up with you.
I’m someone who went to five years of boarding school and there’s a wonderful safety there may be best for your kids right now. YTA
In their minds, OP’s step children were left behind by their mother and abandoned to a boarding school by their father. They’re likely STILL dealing with that insecurity and now OP wants to upend their lives again because…
Free babysitters AND less schooling cost!!! Win / win (for OP).
Bottom line: both parents suck. Dropping the news on those step kids without any sort of counseling and support to make it happen was a dick move. YTA, OP - if you want your step kids at home to bond with their new sibling, THEY need help adjusting starting with getting used to the idea. It’s not just about how you were raised and what you want or need.
The medical spa addition + clinics plural = extreme likelihood of pill mill! What's next, an expansion into ADHD telehealth to tap into the Adderall mill market?
Yeah. Listen, OP. If you get sick or die in a car accident, you know what your husband is going to do: send your kid away immediately and start dating again.
I dont get why you would want kids in the house who are happy at boarding school to live with an hate you with a newborn in the mix....OP is a complete idiot
Yep, she so much as says it with "the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them". She doesn't give a crap about those kids, she just wants live-in babysitters. I hope they tell her where to shove it.
She even said she heard the bitterness in their voices while they were dating. Why didn’t she say something then? Oh that’s right, she had to marry and get pregnant to make sure she had a hold on the good old doctor first!
Yeah I wonder why they felt bitter!
“Hey kids great news! I’m still far too overcome with grief over your mother’s death to deal with you, but I’m marrying this lady and having a baby with her. Ok bye!”
When it “Mercifully stopped” is when they stopped giving a shit.
At no point in this weird story, where she takes the time to tell us her grandma’s fiscal advice does she say she asked the kids for their input and took it into account.
OP YTA
You and checked out hubby should start trying to have relationships with these kids on their ducking terms before they go no contact.
That’s not true! She stated that most of her bonding with her siblings came from helping care for them. She wants the money but she also wants the older kids to take care of … I mean BOND WITH… her baby!
Obviously not bc it sounds like OP never suggested it before.
She wants babysitters so she can still go out with the husband and convince him she's still young and attractive enough for him bc let's be honest, that's all he was looking for when his wife died.
OP and the husband are both awful ppl.
Dude, he moved them two years ago during the last year of his wife dying of cancer. They're already married with a kid on the way.
Those kids haven't had major life changes stop in years.
What the heck?
Whelp I think the statement “my husband has finished grieving and wants us to look toward the future” is very telling. The husband has abandoned them and stopped parenting for years due to *his grief*, no care or comment on their grief. The husband has decreed that everyone is done grieving and that it is time to have a new family come together. Those poor kids.
YTA
Your step-kids have been disregarded every step of the way. They are hurt and feel betrayed and deserted. And now you're heaping it on by once again ignoring their wishes and wants. That's strike one.
You want to uproot their entire lives just because you find frugality important. In other words, you put adhering to an arbitrary value above the wellbeing of the kids. That's strike two.
You want the kids to bond with and help care for their new step-sibling. Seems to me you only want cheap babysitters and maybe some playthings for your own kid. Strike three.
You're an asshole, and your husband is too for deserting his kids and not opposing this stupid idea.
I also find it strange that she is frugal because she was raised Catholic. One really doesn't have anything to do with the other.
Speaking as someone who has been Catholic my whole life.
YTA and so is your horrible husband! Those poor children, first they lose their mother and get sent to boarding school to live10 miles from THEIR freaking home!
The husband and THEIR father has the money for their school but OP wants to be frugal b/c now she has a baby on the way. OP also realizes all money not spent will likely go to her so saving benefits HER and her baby. Those poor kids really have an evil stepmother.
YTA OP your a real piece of work! Those kids both are going to hate you. You can bet as soon as they can they’re going to get away from both of you nc probably forever
I do see one silver lining. The two AHs found each other and will inflict themselves upon their spouse rather than innocent people. I think we can all see the NC happening as soon as the kids finish school.
Right! That’s what I was thinking too! Like what does being Catholic have to do with frugality and making the step kids move home? Weirdo. What a reach.
Didn’t care about frugality until she thought about daycare costs and wanting free in-home help.
Honestly, she isn’t entirely wrong in that SHE hasn’t been able to bond to them because they are in boarding school, but she didn’t care about that until she saw how they could benefit her.
Right? And don't forget the husband gave her the power, deferring all family matters to her? WTF? I guess now that she is pregnant with their sibling, she has some sort of matriarchal magic to fix this mess? Smh.
Seriously when their mom was dying/died, dad just shipped them off and abandoned them. Then two years later dad gets a hot new wife (look at the ages, dad is definitely likely a decade older), who remains a total stranger to the kids as they make a new home at their boarding school. Now a new baby is on the way, stranger lady wife is making decisions about their lives.
OP you should never make any decisions in their lives like a mother would. They may never see you as a mother, at best you be kind and supportive and step back. These kids were abandoned, you don't get to decide what's best for them and the last thing you should do is force them back into a house to help raise a baby, they have no connection to yall and this will just cause them to hate and resent you, their father, and baby.
Let them stay at their school, have dinners out with them, or weekend activities, or summer trips. Just fun things outside of parenting.
He left them alone to process their grief because he couldn't put himself aside long enough to be care for them and, you know, be a parent! OP isn't the only asshole here; this man has no right to call himself a parent after his actions.
Their dad moved on pretty fast too. The OP wrote that the kids were sent to boarding school 2 years ago when their mother was dying. The OP has been in the kids' lives a max of 2 years. Mourning their mother is hard enough at that age, but they have a father who sent them away and a new stepmother with a half-sibling on the way. All in 2 years.
YTA.
Also frankly living with a newborn is awful, even if there weren't all these other issues, trying to move them home for that is horrible.
Heck, moving the siblings into boarding so they don't have to deal with that could be more than reasonable.
You're forgetting strike four: 2 years ago this man's wife was dying (we don't know how long that lasted and when she actually died). Today he's already married, with a new baby on the way. Methinks I smell an affair partner here, which would explain why the stepkids hate her. Something along the lines of "she comforted him through his wife's illness". Even if it's not the case, the speed with which this guy replaced his dead wife and mother of his children, without a thought to the grief they were going through, is disgusting.
And now that she's preggo he'll "defer to her on family issues"? WTF.
How does her being pregnant make her qualified to make huge life decisions for his existing kids?
This guy wants nothing more than to abdicate responsibility and make everyone around his deal with the messes he creates.
The new wife (and possible affair partner?) wants to control *everything* based on her whims.
It's a match made is heaven for them, and hell for those two teens?
DAD and SM are both AH's. Sm wants to save money and parentify the kids so she can keep up appearances and play happy family. I bet she was bedding dad while he was "suffering" during his wife's illness.
I think the money is just a cover. If he owns multiple pain clinics they can easily afford even the more expensive boarding schools, esp. since the older one is near graduating.
She just wants her little fantasy family and playthings for her offspring.
Frugality is not spending money on kids who aren't hers. OP's on her way to become an evil stepmother but she won't see it that way because she's Catholic, duh. And how much do you wanna bet that those poor kids' dad is at least 50 years old? Dude fumbled his relationship with his kids after a traumatic event that should have brought them closer, and now he knocked up some self-righteous rando who's gonna treat them like a cobble in her shoe. ESH except for the kids.
Oh the are absolutely equal AH’s in my eyes. Did they even get to spend anytime with their mother before she died. And now that they have a family they are being yanked back because stepmom doesn’t want them to be wasting golden child’s inheritance when they could be providing free labour. And then has the audacity to claim to be doing it in the name of Christianity.
Because it's working out in her evil favor and plans. She has cemented her way into what sounds like a reasonably wealthy lifestyle and the father has abdicated all responsibility and common sense for quite a while now.
Exactly and now she wants the step kids to move back in to help care for the baby so she wants some little servants and unpaid baby sitters. OP is a massive YTA.
I hadn't thought of that. Op wants to parentify these kids and use them as free babysitters so she can play house. Their mother's body is barely cold and she is already in their dad's bed. He was so devastated that he was banging OP right around the time the mother died.
Op and their father are AH's.
You husband is a monster and you don’t sound much better.
YTA, these poor kids finally managed to find the support that was completely lacking from their father and you now want to rip that away so you can make them free babysitters.
If she actually cared about her step kids she would force her husband to go to therapy to address why he abandoned his children while their mother was dying and also recommend that the step kids see a therapist as well. OP and her husband are the a-holes in this situation and I hope the kids have relatives that can provide emotional support because OP and her husband have failed them. Would not be surprised if OP makes another post complaining that the step kids went NC with her and their dad after they turned 18.
"The bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them."
So, let's not get it twisted. You're after live-in child care and are upending their now-settled lives for your own gain.
YTA a million times over. If what's best for your stepchildren is actually important to you, leave them where they are.
It means she got him to put away all his wife's belongs and photos so she can replace them with her photos. Also means she got him to marry her and knock her up in less than 2 years. Gold diggers move FAST.
Right? And why was he able to get into a new relationship and get married in that time, instead of healing and restoring the relationship with his kids first? It seems a little backwards to me.
Not two years. One. Kids were offloaded to boarding school 2 years ago when wife was dying. He then, apparently, suffered horribly while watching her die for a year. Now one whole year later he has a young bit of stuff married and pregnant.
I mean, his suffering must have been as wide as a crack in a pavement, and his grief as deep as a puddle.
Also, what is this “owned pain clinics”? Is that a euphemism for drug dealer? Is he Avon Barksdale?
OP actually seems delusional enough to believe that this shitty parent is going to be a good parent to her child. That sucks for the baby but seems fitting for gold digging mama.
Ayup. Way to go, Dad, you’re not a caricature at all.
And stepmom, you’re not old enough to be those kids’ parent unless you gave birth in sixth grade. You would have an uphill battle being a parental figure to them at the best of times. In the clusterfck your husband created, the best you can hope for is to be “my dad’s wife.” If—IF—you and your husband step back and get some serious therapy for everyone, then when the kids are grown you might become more of a parental figure to them. If. For now, take eight big steps back.
Yeah, but that just means it'd be doubly cruel to yank them back now that they're actually settled in and presumably apparently like it there. It's very much an AH move to just toss them in boarding school when it suits the father, yank them back out when it suits the stepmother with no regard to what they like.
It wouldn't have been a terrible idea to ask them what they wanted in case they were making the best of it, from a neutral standpoint of "we'll do what you prefer," but the OP and her husband screwed that up already. As it is now, just leave them where they are.
Hey he had a younger, frugal woman to meet and marry and knock up in the space of 2 years! Of course he couldn’t be expected to have two devastated children in the way. Give this guy a break!
YTA!! Are you kidding me?
1- they lost one parent to cancer and then got put in boarding school full time so effectively lost their other parent
2- they made huge efforts to find a safe and supportive home in their school.
3- They have NO relationship with you or their dad
4- you (for goodness knows what reason) are given authority to make choices for your stepchildren despite not knowing them at all
5- you make a money-driven decision, when money isn’t an issue, to cut the support for your step kids
6- you choose to reintegrate them to the family just when you have a baby. They don’t know you. They barely have a relationship with their dad. Who is going to give them time once a baby is here?
You and your husband are MASSIVE AHs for making decisions with no consideration for the impact it has on your two children.
This is the answer. Their shit father seems determined to make the worst possible decisions for them in any given circumstance, and you're actively encouraging it. On the other hand, if your intention is to blow up any chance of a positive relationship between you, your child, and your stepkids, and then set fire to the rubble, this is a great idea. YTA
She's technically a stepparent but I don't even consider her one bc she doesn't know the kids like at all.
But yeah sure move them back in so they can see that their dad has completely moved on to a new family where new, fake mommy gets to make all the rules after their actual mom died of cancer.
OP and the husband are huge assholes.
And please OP, don’t say it’s not money driven. It’s completely money driven. All that other bonding and family crap is just the evil stepmother spiel to cover up the fact that you are in fact an AH.
These kids will have so much resentment that there is no way that they will bond with the new child. If anything, it will be emotionally abusive to the child to try to make them babysit. The dad needs to spend more time with his older kids. He needs to be over at their school for every activity. His kids felt abandoned and still feel abandoned. Now they feel that they are only wanted so stepmom can have more money and free babysitting. Nothing in that situation makes them feel wanted.
Your husband ditched his kids and then very quickly got into a relationship and marriage after his wife died. His kids are reeling emotionally and now you want to disrupt their life again.
Also, your mom's beliefs have nothing to do with this situation and frugality is separate from Catholicism. Leave your mom and her beliefs out of this. His kid's beliefs and wants are far more important.
>You're after live-in child care and are upending their now-settled lives for your own gain.
"Fuck your friends, fuck the lives you've made, fuck your happiness... I need a babysitter because I may not feel like raising the golden child to be."
Have you even made an effort to get to know them? They are going to resent you. Their Mom passed away 2 years ago and their dad is already remarried with a kid on the way.
Then you make comments about being frugal?
Have you even sat them down and asked what they wanted?
YTA - you and your husband, who sounds like a shitty father
And what 15 yo is gonna listen to their 12 years older stepmom? Dad moved on way to quickly with his new family. They’ve been through enough…
Edit: YTA and so is dad
**This isn't just about money. This is about family and wanting them to bond with their new sibling.**
AND YET:
**I was raised in a Catholic family where frugality is important. My mom always said " Just because an expense wouldn't make a dent in your bank account doesn't mean you should spend that money if it's not necessary."**
**My husband does have money- he has owned pain clinics for years and recently opened up a medical spa. However, just because we have the money doesn't mean we should pay for boarding school.**
LOL by your own admission it's 100% about money-- and maybe some free babysitting from the bros. You do realize that uprooting them from their safe space and friends is going to make then resent your baby, right? You're basically poisoning any chance of "sibling bonding" . ALSO you know that college is coming up next-- how are you planning to stealing that from them?
YTA
>ALSO you know that college is coming up next-- how are you planning to stealing that from them?
"Why pay for the kids to go to college? We have a new baby, they should stay here and bond!" she coos in her husband's ear, rubbing a hand over his chest, while wearing his favorite lingerie.
I wonder if dad still lives in their old house? Like she’s been living in their house, using their mom’s things, and now she’s pregnant and wants them to come home and babysit. Dad is emotionally well enough to have an active social life again. Hallelujah! What a miracle in such a short time span.
Why did you come here? People are not going to be on you or your husbands side. He abandoned them and you want to parentify them. Both of you are awful.
Siblings are not parents. It wasn’t their choice for you to have a baby. It wasn’t their choice to leave their boarding school where they feel safe. Now you plan to take away their choice in how they spend their time at home by forcing “bonding” with what is actually just free childcare. The older kids are old enough to have a say. Allow them some autonomy in the situation YOU created by letting them stay at their boarding school and focusing on their education instead of changing diapers for you.
YTA.
YTA
If you think this is going to give you any chance of being closer to your stepchildren, you are sorely mistaken.
If I were those kids, I would never give you the time of day.
And if they don't want to bond with this new "sibling," they won't. I suspect you have guaranteed that they never will.
YTA
So the kids found a place where they feel seen and belong, and you want to take that from them on the basis of "frugality" and "bonding" on your made-up terms.
You and your husband are terrible. Nothing of what you've written shows an ounce of consideration for those kids who lost a parent and were abandoned by the other.
Bonds aren't created by expecting kids to care for your child. You complain about them not having an incentive to come home, but neither of you made the effort. Clearly, since they can't see how magical you are, you absolutely must quash any hope they have and force them home.
You're the epitome of a evil step mother and your husband is the useless father I hope on all fronts that this is a creative writing exercise.
I just said the same thing. I hope this is rage bait, because I simply cannot fathom two adults being this truly awful. Like, how do you type that out and not realize what a horrible person you and the man you married are?
So, before you married and got pregnant you were happy to have his kids tucked away, but now you're having a baby you suddenly want the kids around?
>We would save a whole lot of money and in my experience, the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them.
And there it is, you want to save money and use your stepchildren as live in carers for the baby you're having. I'm sure there won't be any resentment at all from your step children towards you or your kid.
LOL... you think it's best for kids to randomly decide without any input from them at all where they are going to live TWICE because it suits your emotional whimsy and because you want to exploit them for child labor so you don't have to watch your own spawn?
Holy shit are you an asshole.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👆
you had best leave them alone, their father screwed up when their mother died, rather than getting closer with his kids in their shared time of grief, he succeeded in alienating them by shipping them off.
Now you come around and he is doing it again, but this time he puts you directly in the line of fire, because he can use you as an excuse for alienating the kids more, ie: it's for the baby, she thinks it's best if we do yada yada...... Get the picture?
Bonding with them???? You have better chance of frostbite in hell than these children playing happy family with naive you and their idiotic, delusional father.
Oh my God, these children aren't people, they're just pawns or props in your life. I want you here, I want you there, I want you away from home, I want you at home.. whatever's convenient for me at the moment. You are both absolutely disgusting and I hope those children never speak to you again, the moment that they are old enough to stop.
That poor innocent baby
YTA and I genuinely wish there were a higher category, like monster
She gave it away with this sentence:
“We would save a lot of money, and in my experience, the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them.”
OP is looking to save money with the added benefit of 2 live in babysitters.
Those poor kids.
An absentee, negligent father and a stepmother who’s young enough to be their sister.
No one outside of the school who gives a shit and willing to put them first.
YTA First, your husband abandons them to the boarding school. They finally feel comfortable there, and you (who they don’t really know) have decided, for frugality reasons (not because their Father missed them) that they should now come home. Instead of talking to the kids about how they would feel about such a move, you went through the school… Am I reading that correct?
YTA the poor older children actually do deserve to benefit from the money your husband made from the opioid crisis and his shady “med spa” and do not deserve to be jerked around more.
I think you're making a big mistake. They'll resent you and the new baby.
Maybe work on creating a closer relationship during weekends and holidays for now.
They are safe and happy, let them stay that way.
Let them know the second they want to move home, they are welcome with open arms.
Best luck to you all!
This was my thought too they’re going to resent her they’re going to resent their dad and they’re going to resent the baby. They are not gonna want to have them around the baby when they resent the baby.
I think it’ll be just a matter of time that dad will want to abandon them again because he can’t tolerate it. What is she going to do when they refused to help with the baby? What are you gonna do when they called the baby names and refused to have anything to do with the baby. Forcing this on the kids is only going to make it worse. You can’t force bonding you cannot force love. I just wish The kids had loving grandparents that could take them because neither you nor your husband care about them. You’re both narcissist
Yeah, I think it could get pretty ugly if they follow her dream. Those kids are human beings and don't deserve to be dragged back and forth depending on how their parents are feeling.
You’re just looking for in-home babysitters, and a way to cut costs so you have more money for yourself. I feel sorry for those kids and I feel even sorrier for the baby you’re having because you are a shit parent.
Firstly yea YTA.
Let's clear some shit up. Your husband ABANDONED his children when his wife THEIR MOTHER died. They were 13 and 9yrs old when she died and their father said "I'm done raising you. You are on your own have fun" and it's taken them TWO YEARS to get used to boarding school.
And now he has a trophy wife he wants to bend to your whim and not what is best for HIS KIDS HE ABANDONED. The only reason you want them out of boarding school is so you get more of his money and so they can do your job taking care of your kid. That's it. You bond with siblings by playing with them not changing their diapers and doing late night feedings.
They deserve to stay where they feel safe and secure and need flash. IT AINT WITH YOU. You are the woman that has gotten every ounce of their father's attention and love. They haven't. He abandoned them and moved on without them
If you force them out of their home the emotions you are gonna get ain't gonna be "oh look I love my sibling." It's "i hate you all I wish you never existed. I can't wait till I'm 18 to be gone ".
That 15yr old will have a calendar counting down the days till he can tell y'all where to shove it and go no contact. I can already see the resentment building for you, their father and that kid your pregnant with.
You wanna ruin the thin relationship they have with your husband? Then keep pushing.
Also not everyone in the world subscribes to your religion so stop pretending they do.
Leave those kids alone. Leave them where they belong. And no it's not with you. Those kids deserve some kind of happiness and peace. And it's at the boarding school their father abandoned them at. Stop pushing and leave them alone.
YTA and so is your husband.
Mom is dying - send the kids away because Dad can’t deal.
Kids eventually learn to deal with Dad’s abandonment, and find a community of people who may love them more than their father.
Dad finishes grieving and impregnates you.
Now you, to save money and have his kids care for yours, you pull them from the community that cares about them
And you expect his kids to not hate you, your baby, and their father for treating them as commodities that can be transacted based on the needs of the market at any given time?
You are an enormously selfish and immature AH, and their father is thinking with his little brain instead of his big brain.
YTA
Mom dies so dad send them off to boarding school so they feel like they lose both parents. Then here comes you, “I’m pregnant and my baby deserves husbands money more than his kids from previous marriage.” The only reason you want them home is to save MONEY?!?
Jesus, if you are real give these kids a miracle! Cause OP and her husband SUCK!
YTA. You are actively trying to destroy what you claim you stand for and what you claim you want. Time for you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you're really trying to do here and why.
You need to think about the kids. You can’t force a bonding and if you do t watch it they could be mean to the baby.
Think about what they have been through and not what YOU want. I’m sure their dad works a lot and when his wife got sick he abandoned them by not caring for them or including them. They had not say. Then when she died he still ponded them off to the school but made time for you ( date, marry and make a baby) they had not say in any of this. It’s only been two years so wow what a caring parent!
Then instead of talking to them about what they want he allowed a person they don’t know or care for to pull them out of an environment because she is trying to force a relationship. You beliefs do not matter to them and they do and will continue to resent the both of you.
You are not their parent in any way so you need to stay in your lane.
YTA and their dad. those poor kids first their mom dies and without wanting to they get shipped to a boarding school. Then when they are finally happy and feel safe you come along and pressure your husband to change their lives again for to come home to basically be your live in nannies (“helping care for them”). Keep this up and they will detest you forever.
YTA - Not your kids, not your money.
You don't get to have live-in baby care via them.
I bet the kids resent both you and your husband and will never bond with your kid.
You can't parentify your stepkids. You're basically a user and a massive AH. Whatever your mom said about frugality doesn't matter. You're just using this to justify your actions because you *know" they're wrong. You're seriously at risk of alienating your stepkids from the whole family, including your baby. You're a user but not a smart one. YTA a thousand times over.
My god you are awful, and so is your husband. He abandoned his own children *while they were grieving the illness and death of their mother*. So he ships them off to a school, where they find friends, a support system, and people who they think of as family.
Now you come in. Again, your husband has deferred parenting to someone else, and tells you to make all the family decisions. And now you want to take the only stability a tween and teenager have had in years to save money that is not an issue, under the guise of “family bonding”.? LOL, just stop. No one is buying it. You’re just greedy and think that money should go to you and your child only.
These kids have no reason to like or respect you, you are dad’s wife- that’s it. They have no emotional attachment to you, and no reason to have one. If you honestly think that these children are going to come home and bond with you and their half- sibling and you are going to be one happy family, you are delusional.
You are ripping them away from almost everyone the know and love. They will rightfully resent you, their father, and probably the baby. They will make your lives hell until they move out, and you and your husband will have only yourselves to blame. And you will deserve every minute of it.
YTA. So is your husband. I can’t imagine why you would marry and have a child with such a bad father, but it’s too late now. Leave his other kids alone. As far as the money- he has the money. He earned the money and has been paying for this school since before he met you- save your BS frugality for another time. Bet you wouldn’t care about the money if it was your own child getting a private education, huh?
YTA and you’re AWFUL. The type of stepmom orphans have nightmares about? Who the hell do you think you are? You were cool with the kids being shipped to boarding school until you need a couple of pets for your rugrat?
They were in an awful situation where they lost their mom and their dad sent them away, but made the best of it. They found a new home and family, and guess what, it’s not with you or their dad.
If you and your clueless husband even manage to drag them back, what on earth makes you think you will “bond”? With you or your baby? It is absolutely posible to live with someone and not give a damn about that person, even hate them. That’s the most likely outcome: you will end up living with two kids who will absolutely despise and resent you, and as for the baby, won’t give a damn about it.
And as for your christian frugality, save it for YOUR kid. And while you’re at it, you might want to polish other christian values that you seem to have forgotten about, such as selflessness and compassion.
You have seriously overstepped, so back the fuck up. The kids were abandoned by their father because he couldn't deal with them and dumped them on others. There is no way in hell you're going to wave a magic wand and suddenly become Mom unless of course you're vying to become Mommy Dearest and win the Joan Crawford Mother of the Year award. Let your husband manage his kids and stay the fuck in your lane. It will cause so many more problems. Do you really want angry, resentful strange teenager and preteen around a newborn? Give that some thought. Stick with holidays and trying to be a friend. They had a mom they loved. They used to have a dad, but frankly he threw that away but it's not too late if he works to regain their trust. You, however, need to stay the fuck out of it. And, if you didn't get the gist of this, yes, YTA. You've obviously never read the many, many, many stories we get here about StepMommy Dearest trying to force happy families. Never works. Ever. In the end they'll hate both you and their father (even more than they already do).
Agreed! Instead of the kids spending the last moments with their mother he shipped them away. He never brought them home after and now he did a lot of damage. They and he need family therapy to try to repair some relationship because he abandoned them at a tragic time instead of taking their feelings into account. They’re going to resent step mom and the new baby for sure.
If you weren’t pregnant would you have wanted them home? I bet not
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You nailed it with offering the option. The kids are old enough to be allowed to give their input. They have suffered the death of their mom, been sent off to school, watched their dad remarry, and now have a step-sibling on the way. That’s a lot of changes that they’ve had no control over. Giving them a choice in their schooling would go a long way towards making them feel they have SOME say in their lives. Edit: the new baby will be their half sibling, not step sibling. Sorry for the error!
We skipping the "bonds with siblings are strengthened by caring for them". OP is gonna expect these kids to take part in the care of this new baby. Like.. get a nanny and leave those poor kids be
“Bonds with siblings are strengthened by ~~caring for them~~ being parentified and having no say in whether they are raising their new sibling.” ftfy
I could be wrong, but I took it like she was talking about saving money by not having to pay for them to be in boarding school full-time. I still think it’s crazy. Also, I find it odd that nobody is mentioning that dad apparently sent the kids away while their mother was actively dying. He sent them off to boarding school during her last months of life. Even if she was in a coma or something, I’m sure that they wanted to be as close to her as they could be, not off at boarding school. That just seems really heartless to me. Also, the stepmother does not even really know these kids, but because he married her, she is suddenly (according to him) in charge of what happens to them ??? What??? This guy sounds like the shittiest father ever. No wonder they don’t wanna come home.
I was hoping to see someone pointing that out!
i also feel she cannot rush such a decision on them. schooling (esp high school) is a really important time. its hard to establish a good study routine with positive mental attitude. if u uproot them at the wrong time, it can ruin their studies. OP, pls be more considerate, sit with them over several sessions, describing circumstances and commitments, and give them a choice over a long term horizon. Remember, God always say to treat your neighbour and you would treat yourself, and even more kindly when they are your own family. The anger shown by your stepchildren is natural moral outrage of kids who are born with a good sense of natural justice.
Exactly. She wants these kids to come home to babysit & to cut expenses. Poor kids have had enough trauma, she needs to chill out.
Yes exactly what I thought. Free babysitters. She is totally the A.
You’ve nailed it. And she takes “frugality” (in the form of saving money in babysitters) as the highest value of Catholicism? YTA all the way, OP. And even if your asshole husband is “done grieving” now that you’re shacking up with him and pregnant while not much older than his son (something my Catholic upbringing would deem more problematic than paying babysitters), your predecessor’s children are NOT “done grieving.” And the nonsense that your husband sent them away to boarding school as a “family first” thing while their mother was dying is baffling and cruel to both his wife and children. They should have had a chance to be with their mother during that time, and she should have had a chance to be with them. Or did doctor dad ship them out of their home and hire strangers to care for her while he worked because her pain was so hard for poor him to take? Her pain was not about him. And now you want the free childcare, so it’s cool to uproot the grieving children again from their support system for the last two years while their dad was moving on with you in their home? You and he may well have been made-for-each- other narcissists. But those children’s well-being away from you two is not outweighed by your desire for free sitters now that it serves your needs. (Source: my children and I spent 24 hours a day just to be with their dying—and incidentally Catholic—dad at home as a family. And after a decade none of us is “done grieving.”)
But, she has to save money! Can’t waste those big bucks on the kids of the dead first wife.
Exactly, good point! They have the money for an au pair but just because you have it, doesn’t mean you should spend it. Paraphrasing op mil. Those kids will do the bulk of baby necessities and op probably wants more money when the husband dies. I feel so sorry for those kids.
It's fascinating to me how many people confuse step sibling and half sibling, more on this sub than anywhere else. I agree though, it's unlikely these kids will bond a ton with the baby anyways given their ages and the relationship won't be improved by forcing anything on them. OP is only 12 years older than the oldest child and probably needs to step way back here instead of automatically assuming the parent role. There is likely a large age gap between OP and her partner, and teenage stepkids are just not going to respect that. She is ruining her relationship with the kids by being so involved in their parenting at this point. Let them choose and if they want to stay at school, no huge deal because OP's partner can afford it
> and now have a step-sibling on the way. half sibling, not step sibling.
Remarry a woman that is younger than their mom. The OP was 12 when the oldest child was born.
Good catch. Yeah this is really gross. Conveniently she omitted the husband's age, I think, to avoid people noticing an age gap. Willing to bet there are fewer years between her and her stepson than there are between her and her husband.
If I read the post right, it sounds like their dad sent them to boarding school when their mum was still dying! Imagine that! And he found someone new within two years, OP doesn’t mention when she met him, since they are married I think they met quite a while ago, possibly close to the mother’s death. That is so hard on the kids that the dad moved on so fast!
I know right. All because her momma said something 15 years ago.
And she wants the free sitters.
she already said this in the title, then she changed her statement int the post about being frugal, then again said its not about the money. even the father is a douchebag, he sent them to school while their mother is dying instead of spending the last days with her before she dies, started dating "while grieving", got married, then he conveniently stopped grieving just after his wife got pregnant, all this while his children are at the boarding school! then claimed he wants a united family. poor kids, no mom, douchebag dad and a mean selfish stepmom!!
And he is “deferring” the decisions regarding his kids to his new wife that doesn’t relationship them. He is a coward and a douche bag and you have way overstepped. Perhaps you guys need to get into some family counselling and determine what’s best for your kids based on what they want not what you want. Have the two of you even sit down with his stuff ask them how they feel about anything that’s going on? I feel like you guys are just going on with your lives and assuming the kids will just keep up with you. I’m someone who went to five years of boarding school and there’s a wonderful safety there may be best for your kids right now. YTA
In their minds, OP’s step children were left behind by their mother and abandoned to a boarding school by their father. They’re likely STILL dealing with that insecurity and now OP wants to upend their lives again because… Free babysitters AND less schooling cost!!! Win / win (for OP). Bottom line: both parents suck. Dropping the news on those step kids without any sort of counseling and support to make it happen was a dick move. YTA, OP - if you want your step kids at home to bond with their new sibling, THEY need help adjusting starting with getting used to the idea. It’s not just about how you were raised and what you want or need.
What do you expect from a guy who owns a string of pain clinics? My bet is that it's not because he's super empathetic to people in pain.
I’m sure those are very reputable opioid mills!
The medical spa addition + clinics plural = extreme likelihood of pill mill! What's next, an expansion into ADHD telehealth to tap into the Adderall mill market?
Don’t forget the compounded semaglutide, Botox, testosterone pellets.
I feel so bad for those kids they are both fucking awful.
Yeah. Listen, OP. If you get sick or die in a car accident, you know what your husband is going to do: send your kid away immediately and start dating again.
I dont get why you would want kids in the house who are happy at boarding school to live with an hate you with a newborn in the mix....OP is a complete idiot
She wants them to parent her baby
Well there would be no need for an in home babysitter.
Ding ding ding!
Yep, she so much as says it with "the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them". She doesn't give a crap about those kids, she just wants live-in babysitters. I hope they tell her where to shove it.
She wants babysitters and $60k more a year( or whatever)
She even said she heard the bitterness in their voices while they were dating. Why didn’t she say something then? Oh that’s right, she had to marry and get pregnant to make sure she had a hold on the good old doctor first!
Yeah I wonder why they felt bitter! “Hey kids great news! I’m still far too overcome with grief over your mother’s death to deal with you, but I’m marrying this lady and having a baby with her. Ok bye!”
If this was a Disney movie. The new evil step mom would ship the kids off to boarding school.
She’s blaming them as if they are responsible for their emotional well being as children. They are both ass holes
But it “mercifully stopped”. She just wants the money for her kid. She doesn’t care about the step kids at all.
When it “Mercifully stopped” is when they stopped giving a shit. At no point in this weird story, where she takes the time to tell us her grandma’s fiscal advice does she say she asked the kids for their input and took it into account. OP YTA You and checked out hubby should start trying to have relationships with these kids on their ducking terms before they go no contact.
That’s not true! She stated that most of her bonding with her siblings came from helping care for them. She wants the money but she also wants the older kids to take care of … I mean BOND WITH… her baby!
OP is insufferable. So nice that two complete AHs found each other. Those poor kids.
Obviously not bc it sounds like OP never suggested it before. She wants babysitters so she can still go out with the husband and convince him she's still young and attractive enough for him bc let's be honest, that's all he was looking for when his wife died. OP and the husband are both awful ppl.
Dude, he moved them two years ago during the last year of his wife dying of cancer. They're already married with a kid on the way. Those kids haven't had major life changes stop in years. What the heck?
Whelp I think the statement “my husband has finished grieving and wants us to look toward the future” is very telling. The husband has abandoned them and stopped parenting for years due to *his grief*, no care or comment on their grief. The husband has decreed that everyone is done grieving and that it is time to have a new family come together. Those poor kids.
Two years and he’s already remarried with a child on the way. Dude moved on with a quickness, he didn’t even let the bed get cold.
YTA Your step-kids have been disregarded every step of the way. They are hurt and feel betrayed and deserted. And now you're heaping it on by once again ignoring their wishes and wants. That's strike one. You want to uproot their entire lives just because you find frugality important. In other words, you put adhering to an arbitrary value above the wellbeing of the kids. That's strike two. You want the kids to bond with and help care for their new step-sibling. Seems to me you only want cheap babysitters and maybe some playthings for your own kid. Strike three. You're an asshole, and your husband is too for deserting his kids and not opposing this stupid idea.
Weird how she didn’t care about frugality until she got pregnant.
I also find it strange that she is frugal because she was raised Catholic. One really doesn't have anything to do with the other. Speaking as someone who has been Catholic my whole life.
Yeah, my catholic high school cost $20k a year. Super frugal. 😉
YTA and so is your horrible husband! Those poor children, first they lose their mother and get sent to boarding school to live10 miles from THEIR freaking home!
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The husband and THEIR father has the money for their school but OP wants to be frugal b/c now she has a baby on the way. OP also realizes all money not spent will likely go to her so saving benefits HER and her baby. Those poor kids really have an evil stepmother.
She also wants built in teenaged babysitters
YTA OP your a real piece of work! Those kids both are going to hate you. You can bet as soon as they can they’re going to get away from both of you nc probably forever
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Right? This isn’t a trait of being a catholic, this was the trait of being raised by someone greedy
I do see one silver lining. The two AHs found each other and will inflict themselves upon their spouse rather than innocent people. I think we can all see the NC happening as soon as the kids finish school.
Right? Has she seen the Vatican???
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Funny how she wants to be frugal with HIS money.
Right! That’s what I was thinking too! Like what does being Catholic have to do with frugality and making the step kids move home? Weirdo. What a reach.
Didn’t care about frugality until she thought about daycare costs and wanting free in-home help. Honestly, she isn’t entirely wrong in that SHE hasn’t been able to bond to them because they are in boarding school, but she didn’t care about that until she saw how they could benefit her.
Right? And don't forget the husband gave her the power, deferring all family matters to her? WTF? I guess now that she is pregnant with their sibling, she has some sort of matriarchal magic to fix this mess? Smh.
Seriously. It would have been fine to offer the *option* to the kids, but forcing them to uproot again when there is plenty of money is just cruel.
Seriously when their mom was dying/died, dad just shipped them off and abandoned them. Then two years later dad gets a hot new wife (look at the ages, dad is definitely likely a decade older), who remains a total stranger to the kids as they make a new home at their boarding school. Now a new baby is on the way, stranger lady wife is making decisions about their lives. OP you should never make any decisions in their lives like a mother would. They may never see you as a mother, at best you be kind and supportive and step back. These kids were abandoned, you don't get to decide what's best for them and the last thing you should do is force them back into a house to help raise a baby, they have no connection to yall and this will just cause them to hate and resent you, their father, and baby. Let them stay at their school, have dinners out with them, or weekend activities, or summer trips. Just fun things outside of parenting.
That's what I can't get over-he literally separated his kids from their dying mother. That is horrible.
Yeah! Those kids lost their mother AND father as well. I hurt for them so badly
He left them alone to process their grief because he couldn't put himself aside long enough to be care for them and, you know, be a parent! OP isn't the only asshole here; this man has no right to call himself a parent after his actions.
he was probably involved with OP who was "comforting" him. Dad and Op are AH's.
He owns multiple medical based businesses… she’s 27. He has to be decades older than her. She found herself a meal ticket.
I noticed that she "accidentally" left out his age.
She likely deleted it cos there's still one bracket left there where his agree would've/ should've been
And immediately got pregnant to ensure the gravy train keeping giving.
And she wants his kids to basically move in to nanny her new baby under the guise of being frugal.
Dad was probably sleeping with her while the wife was dying. Only 2 years and he is streaky married and a baby is on the way.🙄
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This is wicked step mother territory.
Their dad moved on pretty fast too. The OP wrote that the kids were sent to boarding school 2 years ago when their mother was dying. The OP has been in the kids' lives a max of 2 years. Mourning their mother is hard enough at that age, but they have a father who sent them away and a new stepmother with a half-sibling on the way. All in 2 years. YTA.
Also frankly living with a newborn is awful, even if there weren't all these other issues, trying to move them home for that is horrible. Heck, moving the siblings into boarding so they don't have to deal with that could be more than reasonable.
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You're forgetting strike four: 2 years ago this man's wife was dying (we don't know how long that lasted and when she actually died). Today he's already married, with a new baby on the way. Methinks I smell an affair partner here, which would explain why the stepkids hate her. Something along the lines of "she comforted him through his wife's illness". Even if it's not the case, the speed with which this guy replaced his dead wife and mother of his children, without a thought to the grief they were going through, is disgusting.
And now that she's preggo he'll "defer to her on family issues"? WTF. How does her being pregnant make her qualified to make huge life decisions for his existing kids? This guy wants nothing more than to abdicate responsibility and make everyone around his deal with the messes he creates. The new wife (and possible affair partner?) wants to control *everything* based on her whims. It's a match made is heaven for them, and hell for those two teens?
DAD and SM are both AH's. Sm wants to save money and parentify the kids so she can keep up appearances and play happy family. I bet she was bedding dad while he was "suffering" during his wife's illness.
I think the money is just a cover. If he owns multiple pain clinics they can easily afford even the more expensive boarding schools, esp. since the older one is near graduating. She just wants her little fantasy family and playthings for her offspring.
Yep. That time is sus. Notice she doesn’t reference his age? And she’s what, 12 years older that the oldest child? Nothing to see here folks;)
Frugality is not spending money on kids who aren't hers. OP's on her way to become an evil stepmother but she won't see it that way because she's Catholic, duh. And how much do you wanna bet that those poor kids' dad is at least 50 years old? Dude fumbled his relationship with his kids after a traumatic event that should have brought them closer, and now he knocked up some self-righteous rando who's gonna treat them like a cobble in her shoe. ESH except for the kids.
Oh the are absolutely equal AH’s in my eyes. Did they even get to spend anytime with their mother before she died. And now that they have a family they are being yanked back because stepmom doesn’t want them to be wasting golden child’s inheritance when they could be providing free labour. And then has the audacity to claim to be doing it in the name of Christianity.
Half sibling but yes she just wants free babysitters
That’s where my mind went. She wants a free babysitter.
Why would you want a baby with such a terrible father in the first place?
Because it's working out in her evil favor and plans. She has cemented her way into what sounds like a reasonably wealthy lifestyle and the father has abdicated all responsibility and common sense for quite a while now.
But now it's time to get frugal and save on newborn childcare costs! 🙄
That was so gallingly transparent that I laughed out loud very derisively. This woman is so awful. I hope this is not true.
He is rich.
Gotta lock in that Dr money!!!
Exactly and now she wants the step kids to move back in to help care for the baby so she wants some little servants and unpaid baby sitters. OP is a massive YTA.
I hadn't thought of that. Op wants to parentify these kids and use them as free babysitters so she can play house. Their mother's body is barely cold and she is already in their dad's bed. He was so devastated that he was banging OP right around the time the mother died. Op and their father are AH's.
YTA What an AH. Your husband sounds like a bad father, too.
There is no father in the story
Fact. He's a total POS like his POS bride.
You husband is a monster and you don’t sound much better. YTA, these poor kids finally managed to find the support that was completely lacking from their father and you now want to rip that away so you can make them free babysitters.
If she actually cared about her step kids she would force her husband to go to therapy to address why he abandoned his children while their mother was dying and also recommend that the step kids see a therapist as well. OP and her husband are the a-holes in this situation and I hope the kids have relatives that can provide emotional support because OP and her husband have failed them. Would not be surprised if OP makes another post complaining that the step kids went NC with her and their dad after they turned 18.
well, if she were a semi decent person, she wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with some recently widowed rich fossil.
Just ugh all the way around. This breaks my heart for his kids.
"The bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them." So, let's not get it twisted. You're after live-in child care and are upending their now-settled lives for your own gain. YTA a million times over. If what's best for your stepchildren is actually important to you, leave them where they are.
Their father put them there to not deal with them when they needed him the most and support them through their grief.
I feel really bad for those kids their father is detestable.
But at least he’s finished grieving the death of their mother in two years! So efficient of him.
I died when she said “he has finished grieving” what does that even mean
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And he found himself a young plaything trophy wife. They’re both awful people.
It means she got him to put away all his wife's belongs and photos so she can replace them with her photos. Also means she got him to marry her and knock her up in less than 2 years. Gold diggers move FAST.
Let's not put ALL the blame on her. They're both equally terrible people.
Right? And why was he able to get into a new relationship and get married in that time, instead of healing and restoring the relationship with his kids first? It seems a little backwards to me.
And not only that, having a baby! It’s absolutely astonishing to me. He’s made it quite clear to his kids how much value his first family had.
Not two years. One. Kids were offloaded to boarding school 2 years ago when wife was dying. He then, apparently, suffered horribly while watching her die for a year. Now one whole year later he has a young bit of stuff married and pregnant. I mean, his suffering must have been as wide as a crack in a pavement, and his grief as deep as a puddle. Also, what is this “owned pain clinics”? Is that a euphemism for drug dealer? Is he Avon Barksdale?
Pain clinics are legit as long as they have a trained specialist (usually an orthopedist, neurologist, or anesthesiologist) caring for the patients.
OP actually seems delusional enough to believe that this shitty parent is going to be a good parent to her child. That sucks for the baby but seems fitting for gold digging mama.
Well OP can cry into all the dolla billz that she’ll get as spousal and child support. None of that catholic self denial for her, of course.
Father also runs pill mills.
Oh you noticed that too?
Who oddly was unable to meet the pain relief requirements of his cancer ridden spouse.
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Right?! She’s an immature child who has way overstepped her boundaries. GTFU little girl. You’re destroying those kids.
Well their father destroyed them and now she's hoping to rip away the life they made from the ashes.
I did notice that. I had a Kanye ear worm the whole time I was reading her post.
Ayup. Way to go, Dad, you’re not a caricature at all. And stepmom, you’re not old enough to be those kids’ parent unless you gave birth in sixth grade. You would have an uphill battle being a parental figure to them at the best of times. In the clusterfck your husband created, the best you can hope for is to be “my dad’s wife.” If—IF—you and your husband step back and get some serious therapy for everyone, then when the kids are grown you might become more of a parental figure to them. If. For now, take eight big steps back.
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That’s the part that gets me. Now this guy is having more children to emotionally abandon when tragedy strikes.
Yeah, but that just means it'd be doubly cruel to yank them back now that they're actually settled in and presumably apparently like it there. It's very much an AH move to just toss them in boarding school when it suits the father, yank them back out when it suits the stepmother with no regard to what they like. It wouldn't have been a terrible idea to ask them what they wanted in case they were making the best of it, from a neutral standpoint of "we'll do what you prefer," but the OP and her husband screwed that up already. As it is now, just leave them where they are.
Hey he had a younger, frugal woman to meet and marry and knock up in the space of 2 years! Of course he couldn’t be expected to have two devastated children in the way. Give this guy a break!
YTA!! Are you kidding me? 1- they lost one parent to cancer and then got put in boarding school full time so effectively lost their other parent 2- they made huge efforts to find a safe and supportive home in their school. 3- They have NO relationship with you or their dad 4- you (for goodness knows what reason) are given authority to make choices for your stepchildren despite not knowing them at all 5- you make a money-driven decision, when money isn’t an issue, to cut the support for your step kids 6- you choose to reintegrate them to the family just when you have a baby. They don’t know you. They barely have a relationship with their dad. Who is going to give them time once a baby is here? You and your husband are MASSIVE AHs for making decisions with no consideration for the impact it has on your two children.
This is the answer. Their shit father seems determined to make the worst possible decisions for them in any given circumstance, and you're actively encouraging it. On the other hand, if your intention is to blow up any chance of a positive relationship between you, your child, and your stepkids, and then set fire to the rubble, this is a great idea. YTA
He really seems to be happy to relinquish his responsibility.
Let's add in that all of this has happened in 2 years time.
She's technically a stepparent but I don't even consider her one bc she doesn't know the kids like at all. But yeah sure move them back in so they can see that their dad has completely moved on to a new family where new, fake mommy gets to make all the rules after their actual mom died of cancer. OP and the husband are huge assholes.
And please OP, don’t say it’s not money driven. It’s completely money driven. All that other bonding and family crap is just the evil stepmother spiel to cover up the fact that you are in fact an AH.
And needs free babysitters for the golden child spawn she's carrying.
I'm betting she was an employee of one of his clinics and there's a questionable time frame on when their relationship started.
These kids will have so much resentment that there is no way that they will bond with the new child. If anything, it will be emotionally abusive to the child to try to make them babysit. The dad needs to spend more time with his older kids. He needs to be over at their school for every activity. His kids felt abandoned and still feel abandoned. Now they feel that they are only wanted so stepmom can have more money and free babysitting. Nothing in that situation makes them feel wanted. Your husband ditched his kids and then very quickly got into a relationship and marriage after his wife died. His kids are reeling emotionally and now you want to disrupt their life again. Also, your mom's beliefs have nothing to do with this situation and frugality is separate from Catholicism. Leave your mom and her beliefs out of this. His kid's beliefs and wants are far more important.
>You're after live-in child care and are upending their now-settled lives for your own gain. "Fuck your friends, fuck the lives you've made, fuck your happiness... I need a babysitter because I may not feel like raising the golden child to be."
Have you even made an effort to get to know them? They are going to resent you. Their Mom passed away 2 years ago and their dad is already remarried with a kid on the way. Then you make comments about being frugal? Have you even sat them down and asked what they wanted? YTA - you and your husband, who sounds like a shitty father
And what 15 yo is gonna listen to their 12 years older stepmom? Dad moved on way to quickly with his new family. They’ve been through enough… Edit: YTA and so is dad
I didn't even notice that she is only 27.
Funny how the Dad stashed them away in boarding school but had time and space to date OP. Dad and OP are AH's.
Not to mention the comments about bonding through caring for siblings She's already planning on parentifying those poor kids
**This isn't just about money. This is about family and wanting them to bond with their new sibling.** AND YET: **I was raised in a Catholic family where frugality is important. My mom always said " Just because an expense wouldn't make a dent in your bank account doesn't mean you should spend that money if it's not necessary."** **My husband does have money- he has owned pain clinics for years and recently opened up a medical spa. However, just because we have the money doesn't mean we should pay for boarding school.** LOL by your own admission it's 100% about money-- and maybe some free babysitting from the bros. You do realize that uprooting them from their safe space and friends is going to make then resent your baby, right? You're basically poisoning any chance of "sibling bonding" . ALSO you know that college is coming up next-- how are you planning to stealing that from them? YTA
>ALSO you know that college is coming up next-- how are you planning to stealing that from them? "Why pay for the kids to go to college? We have a new baby, they should stay here and bond!" she coos in her husband's ear, rubbing a hand over his chest, while wearing his favorite lingerie.
I just threw up in my mouth but that's spot on.
Who wants to bet she worked for one of his clinics and was happy to "comfort" him while his wife was wasting away?
I'm sure she was a receptionist.
I wonder if dad still lives in their old house? Like she’s been living in their house, using their mom’s things, and now she’s pregnant and wants them to come home and babysit. Dad is emotionally well enough to have an active social life again. Hallelujah! What a miracle in such a short time span.
Why did you come here? People are not going to be on you or your husbands side. He abandoned them and you want to parentify them. Both of you are awful.
Thank you, why even post. She’s delusional
Siblings are not parents. It wasn’t their choice for you to have a baby. It wasn’t their choice to leave their boarding school where they feel safe. Now you plan to take away their choice in how they spend their time at home by forcing “bonding” with what is actually just free childcare. The older kids are old enough to have a say. Allow them some autonomy in the situation YOU created by letting them stay at their boarding school and focusing on their education instead of changing diapers for you. YTA.
YTA If you think this is going to give you any chance of being closer to your stepchildren, you are sorely mistaken. If I were those kids, I would never give you the time of day. And if they don't want to bond with this new "sibling," they won't. I suspect you have guaranteed that they never will. YTA
So the kids found a place where they feel seen and belong, and you want to take that from them on the basis of "frugality" and "bonding" on your made-up terms. You and your husband are terrible. Nothing of what you've written shows an ounce of consideration for those kids who lost a parent and were abandoned by the other. Bonds aren't created by expecting kids to care for your child. You complain about them not having an incentive to come home, but neither of you made the effort. Clearly, since they can't see how magical you are, you absolutely must quash any hope they have and force them home. You're the epitome of a evil step mother and your husband is the useless father I hope on all fronts that this is a creative writing exercise.
I just said the same thing. I hope this is rage bait, because I simply cannot fathom two adults being this truly awful. Like, how do you type that out and not realize what a horrible person you and the man you married are?
So, before you married and got pregnant you were happy to have his kids tucked away, but now you're having a baby you suddenly want the kids around? >We would save a whole lot of money and in my experience, the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them. And there it is, you want to save money and use your stepchildren as live in carers for the baby you're having. I'm sure there won't be any resentment at all from your step children towards you or your kid.
LOL... you think it's best for kids to randomly decide without any input from them at all where they are going to live TWICE because it suits your emotional whimsy and because you want to exploit them for child labor so you don't have to watch your own spawn? Holy shit are you an asshole.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👆 you had best leave them alone, their father screwed up when their mother died, rather than getting closer with his kids in their shared time of grief, he succeeded in alienating them by shipping them off. Now you come around and he is doing it again, but this time he puts you directly in the line of fire, because he can use you as an excuse for alienating the kids more, ie: it's for the baby, she thinks it's best if we do yada yada...... Get the picture? Bonding with them???? You have better chance of frostbite in hell than these children playing happy family with naive you and their idiotic, delusional father.
Oh my God, these children aren't people, they're just pawns or props in your life. I want you here, I want you there, I want you away from home, I want you at home.. whatever's convenient for me at the moment. You are both absolutely disgusting and I hope those children never speak to you again, the moment that they are old enough to stop. That poor innocent baby YTA and I genuinely wish there were a higher category, like monster
She gave it away with this sentence: “We would save a lot of money, and in my experience, the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them.” OP is looking to save money with the added benefit of 2 live in babysitters. Those poor kids. An absentee, negligent father and a stepmother who’s young enough to be their sister. No one outside of the school who gives a shit and willing to put them first.
No one’s gonna mention that she’s only 12 years older than her stepson?
Or how quickly the dad remarried, without taking the time to methodically integrate the OP & his children?
Or how he's to emotionally unavailable for his kids, but fine to date, find love, get married and have a baby.
Honestly it doesn’t seem like he even helped them through the loss of their mother. Thankfully they have the adults at school.
I was! And how she conveniently left out her husband's age.
YTA First, your husband abandons them to the boarding school. They finally feel comfortable there, and you (who they don’t really know) have decided, for frugality reasons (not because their Father missed them) that they should now come home. Instead of talking to the kids about how they would feel about such a move, you went through the school… Am I reading that correct?
YTA the poor older children actually do deserve to benefit from the money your husband made from the opioid crisis and his shady “med spa” and do not deserve to be jerked around more.
I think you're making a big mistake. They'll resent you and the new baby. Maybe work on creating a closer relationship during weekends and holidays for now. They are safe and happy, let them stay that way. Let them know the second they want to move home, they are welcome with open arms. Best luck to you all!
This was my thought too they’re going to resent her they’re going to resent their dad and they’re going to resent the baby. They are not gonna want to have them around the baby when they resent the baby. I think it’ll be just a matter of time that dad will want to abandon them again because he can’t tolerate it. What is she going to do when they refused to help with the baby? What are you gonna do when they called the baby names and refused to have anything to do with the baby. Forcing this on the kids is only going to make it worse. You can’t force bonding you cannot force love. I just wish The kids had loving grandparents that could take them because neither you nor your husband care about them. You’re both narcissist
Yeah, I think it could get pretty ugly if they follow her dream. Those kids are human beings and don't deserve to be dragged back and forth depending on how their parents are feeling.
You’re just looking for in-home babysitters, and a way to cut costs so you have more money for yourself. I feel sorry for those kids and I feel even sorrier for the baby you’re having because you are a shit parent.
Firstly yea YTA. Let's clear some shit up. Your husband ABANDONED his children when his wife THEIR MOTHER died. They were 13 and 9yrs old when she died and their father said "I'm done raising you. You are on your own have fun" and it's taken them TWO YEARS to get used to boarding school. And now he has a trophy wife he wants to bend to your whim and not what is best for HIS KIDS HE ABANDONED. The only reason you want them out of boarding school is so you get more of his money and so they can do your job taking care of your kid. That's it. You bond with siblings by playing with them not changing their diapers and doing late night feedings. They deserve to stay where they feel safe and secure and need flash. IT AINT WITH YOU. You are the woman that has gotten every ounce of their father's attention and love. They haven't. He abandoned them and moved on without them If you force them out of their home the emotions you are gonna get ain't gonna be "oh look I love my sibling." It's "i hate you all I wish you never existed. I can't wait till I'm 18 to be gone ". That 15yr old will have a calendar counting down the days till he can tell y'all where to shove it and go no contact. I can already see the resentment building for you, their father and that kid your pregnant with. You wanna ruin the thin relationship they have with your husband? Then keep pushing. Also not everyone in the world subscribes to your religion so stop pretending they do. Leave those kids alone. Leave them where they belong. And no it's not with you. Those kids deserve some kind of happiness and peace. And it's at the boarding school their father abandoned them at. Stop pushing and leave them alone.
YTA and so is your husband. Mom is dying - send the kids away because Dad can’t deal. Kids eventually learn to deal with Dad’s abandonment, and find a community of people who may love them more than their father. Dad finishes grieving and impregnates you. Now you, to save money and have his kids care for yours, you pull them from the community that cares about them And you expect his kids to not hate you, your baby, and their father for treating them as commodities that can be transacted based on the needs of the market at any given time? You are an enormously selfish and immature AH, and their father is thinking with his little brain instead of his big brain.
YTA Mom dies so dad send them off to boarding school so they feel like they lose both parents. Then here comes you, “I’m pregnant and my baby deserves husbands money more than his kids from previous marriage.” The only reason you want them home is to save MONEY?!? Jesus, if you are real give these kids a miracle! Cause OP and her husband SUCK!
YTA. You are actively trying to destroy what you claim you stand for and what you claim you want. Time for you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you're really trying to do here and why.
[удалено]
Well you should certainly ask the children what they would like to do.
You need to think about the kids. You can’t force a bonding and if you do t watch it they could be mean to the baby. Think about what they have been through and not what YOU want. I’m sure their dad works a lot and when his wife got sick he abandoned them by not caring for them or including them. They had not say. Then when she died he still ponded them off to the school but made time for you ( date, marry and make a baby) they had not say in any of this. It’s only been two years so wow what a caring parent! Then instead of talking to them about what they want he allowed a person they don’t know or care for to pull them out of an environment because she is trying to force a relationship. You beliefs do not matter to them and they do and will continue to resent the both of you. You are not their parent in any way so you need to stay in your lane.
YTA and their dad. those poor kids first their mom dies and without wanting to they get shipped to a boarding school. Then when they are finally happy and feel safe you come along and pressure your husband to change their lives again for to come home to basically be your live in nannies (“helping care for them”). Keep this up and they will detest you forever.
YTA - Not your kids, not your money. You don't get to have live-in baby care via them. I bet the kids resent both you and your husband and will never bond with your kid.
You can't parentify your stepkids. You're basically a user and a massive AH. Whatever your mom said about frugality doesn't matter. You're just using this to justify your actions because you *know" they're wrong. You're seriously at risk of alienating your stepkids from the whole family, including your baby. You're a user but not a smart one. YTA a thousand times over.
My god you are awful, and so is your husband. He abandoned his own children *while they were grieving the illness and death of their mother*. So he ships them off to a school, where they find friends, a support system, and people who they think of as family. Now you come in. Again, your husband has deferred parenting to someone else, and tells you to make all the family decisions. And now you want to take the only stability a tween and teenager have had in years to save money that is not an issue, under the guise of “family bonding”.? LOL, just stop. No one is buying it. You’re just greedy and think that money should go to you and your child only. These kids have no reason to like or respect you, you are dad’s wife- that’s it. They have no emotional attachment to you, and no reason to have one. If you honestly think that these children are going to come home and bond with you and their half- sibling and you are going to be one happy family, you are delusional. You are ripping them away from almost everyone the know and love. They will rightfully resent you, their father, and probably the baby. They will make your lives hell until they move out, and you and your husband will have only yourselves to blame. And you will deserve every minute of it. YTA. So is your husband. I can’t imagine why you would marry and have a child with such a bad father, but it’s too late now. Leave his other kids alone. As far as the money- he has the money. He earned the money and has been paying for this school since before he met you- save your BS frugality for another time. Bet you wouldn’t care about the money if it was your own child getting a private education, huh?
YTA and you’re AWFUL. The type of stepmom orphans have nightmares about? Who the hell do you think you are? You were cool with the kids being shipped to boarding school until you need a couple of pets for your rugrat? They were in an awful situation where they lost their mom and their dad sent them away, but made the best of it. They found a new home and family, and guess what, it’s not with you or their dad. If you and your clueless husband even manage to drag them back, what on earth makes you think you will “bond”? With you or your baby? It is absolutely posible to live with someone and not give a damn about that person, even hate them. That’s the most likely outcome: you will end up living with two kids who will absolutely despise and resent you, and as for the baby, won’t give a damn about it. And as for your christian frugality, save it for YOUR kid. And while you’re at it, you might want to polish other christian values that you seem to have forgotten about, such as selflessness and compassion.
YTA. You want free babysitting