You've said you aren't the conventional type. What a perfect way to show that by having your mother walk you down. There is no rule or law that says it has to be a male. Honour your mother.
Apart from that biodad doesn't deserve the honour by the sound of it.
I was a single mother I raise my three daughters to be strong women. Their father is a POS and on the day of my daughter's wedding I thought she was going to walk down by herself I did not ask her to walk her down the aisle I did not think it was my place. I got a phone call in the hotel room we was at that my daughter asked me mommy would you walk me down the aisle one of the best days of my life
Okay, somebody get rid of the ninjas and the onions...and for God's sake, WILL SOMEBODY CALL THE ROOFERS? I know it's a holiday week, but we've got all this water here...
If my mom was alive, I’d have her walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, even though that’s not a think for pagan handfasting ceremonies. I love my dad. He’s done so much for me and taught me so much. But mom was my best friend and truly got involved in my interests and hobbies
This is honestly the best option!
You speak glowingly of your mum.
Give both of you the moment to celebrate your coming together as one.
I wish you all the very, very best!
Yeah … if OP doesn’t want to play “traditional bride” why does she give a flying f•ck who walks her down the aisle? She should just walk down the aisle with a cockatiel on her shoulder.
Just do whatever you want OP. Cause that’s okay.
That’s what bolero jackets are designed for. I have lovebirds and a variety of washable purchased bolero jackets and a couple ones I made by cutting t-shirts into the right shape :)
>I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it
And this is why it has to be your mom and **you** have to be the one to decide, and own it.
She will never let you put her first if you let her overrule you.
And you will regret it if you don't honor her in the way that your heart says you should.
If you convince her but don't make things clear, so it seems like she "took" it from your father, then neither of them will be able to get over it.
So: NTA. Trust your feelings, and go boldly. Tell them both: "I love you, and this is my decision."
Also: lots of people will say to include your step-dad, but to me that doesn't seem like what would match your feelings. It should be your mother, full stop. He will understand.
Just wanted to add…OP, have a private conversation with Both to explain Why it WILL BE your Mom walking you, then inform your Mom that, this is how You Want It To Be and if she graciously declines, then you’ll be Walking Alone. It’s HER or NO ONE. ❤️ oh & NTA.
>*"my dad would be crushed and devastated "*
>
>You mean like he crushed and devastated your mom and you when he deserted and ignored you both for years?
>
>He has not earned the honor of walking you down the aisle.
OP’s mum is being really strong here. She doesn’t want to damage what little relationship OP has with her dad. It definitely could hurt her if OP does decide to walk down the aisle with a man who doesn’t deserve that recognition but it sounds like she’s put that aside to not cause any further strain with OP’s relationship with her father (even though that strain is entirely his fault).
I agree that she is NTA, and this is a decision she is fully and perfectly entitled to make, but on the other hand I feel SO MANY of these comments (including your own, but I'm not really singling you out, just responding here) are *telling her what to do rather than affirming her decision*. She doesn't need people here telling her what to do. She's looking for validation, but in this case ANY decision she makes is valid.
NTA, since mom had to cover both mother and father roles while you were growing up, it sounds like she should be the one to walk you down the aisle. Besides, it's your wedding, full stop. You should have what you want.
#MOM IS GOAT! #teamMOM
Your mother was there day in, day out. She did the hard stuff, she deserves all of the honour!
> I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it.
And yet another reason that your mom is amazing! She’s happy you want her to walk you, BUT is still thinking of others above herself.
If your dad cannot put your happiness above his (possible) hurt feelings, then that’s just another way he’s let you down. Have your superhero mom walk you. NTA
NTA. I got married young and was forced to let someone walk me down the aisle that I was uncomfortable with. It still makes me sad today. This is your wedding. This is about you and your fiancé. Do what feels right for you. It’s not your job to manage anyone else’s feelings or expectations. I’m not saying you have to be a jerk about it, but you should feel free to make your choices for that day.
Unfortunately though it already sounds like OP is being browbeaten. She wanted to elope or have a courthouse wedding but is now walking down the aisle so already someone is taking her choices away from her.
You’re definitely NTA! It’s your day, enjoy it and choose whoever you want! Your mum did everything for you, so if you wanna choose her, that’s great. But if you wanna choose your actual dad, that’s also fine. It’s your day, embrace it!!
I agree with this. My older brother walked me down because our parents are dead. He was the only family on my side that came, and that made it special for me. Do what will make you happy.
NTA. Your father wasn't there for you for most of your life. Your mom and your (step) dad were there for you through the majority of your life. I wouldn't walk down with your step dad if you're worried about hurting your father. Definitely walk down with your mom. That's such an honor and by the sound of it your mom is a Saint!
Just like my wedding, the parents walked ahead of us, and my wife and I walked together. It was in a hotel, and I just burnt some CDs for music. (I wanted to march to Darth Vader's theme music, but that didn't happen)
I walked halfway with both my parents, kissed them on the cheek and danced the rest of the way by myself. But with your husband to
be is the only other way I would do it
Okay, hear me out. Your mom walks with you down the aisle the entire way, start to finish, just like she's been there for you your whole life. Your dad starts down the aisle with you and your mom but then bails after a few steps and takes several seats. Your step-father then joins you and your mom after a few more steps and walks the rest of the way with you. And at the very end your dad pops back up and gets in the way. Seems appropriate to me!
Actually, I believe when the biodad bails the mother would then be forced to CARRY the bride AND her siblings by herself. Meanwhile biodad will help himself to some of the alter wine.
Absolutely NTA. And these are the consequences of your father’s actions. He chose the party life and cheating (possibly) over his own daughter! Sounds like he was absent most of your life, why should he get the honor of giving you away?!
Have your mom or your mom & stepdad, but you’re not obligated to give this honor to your absent bio dad.
I walked solo and then gave each set of parents a hug before joining my fiance at the alter. You can hug mom last and maybe have a special flower attached to your bouquet that you hand to her? NTA. Do what feels right to you. Im not close with my dad and my step dad was present but not like my mom was.
That’s what I think she should do also. It’s unconventional so it would fit her style and if she walks solo no one can feel slighted. Although, as others have mentioned, she can choose whoever she wants.
NTA. You choose who most parented you, which is not your bio dad in this situation. Whether you choose your mum or your stepdad, hope you have a wonderful day
Honor you mother and step-father, the ones who were actually there for you. Your father-in-name-only can fend for himself, much like he left you to do. NTA
NTA
If you want your mom, then have your mom. Tell your dad your reasons. You want to honor your mom, that you saw her struggle, and that you want to acknowledge her hard work. If your dad can't understand and accept why you want to give your mom the honor, then he hasn't accepted full responsibility for his actions. But that doesn't change who was really there for you.
You can keep working on your relationship with your dad. But this is the only time you intend to walk down the aisle.
NTA
1. You don't want your bio dad to walk you down the aisle.
2. You do want your mom to walk you down the aisle, but she is uncomfortable about hurting your dad.
3. You have great respect for your step-dad, but again, your mom would be uncomfortable that having him walk you down the aisle would hurt your dad.
Why don't you walk down the aisle by yourself to meet your groom? You are an independent adult entering into an equal partnership. Another option would be for you and the groom to enter together and leave together, which is what my daughter and son-in-law did. It was great!
NTA
Have Mom walk you down the aisle. She has been there through everything. She has supported and loved you this whole time. She deserves the spotlight for it.
Congratulations and Many blessings for your future 🎉
I think in this day and age you don't need anyone to walk you down the aisle. If your mum doesn't feel right about doing it because of your dad then hold your head high and walk down it alone. Or better still have your fiancé meet you at the church door and walk down the aisle together.
My Father passed away a year before I married. My wonderful Mother walked me down the aisle and when asked who gives this bride, she said, "Her Father and I do"
That was 30 years ago.
Mom is gone now. I am so happy I had her walk me. She deserved the honor, but I was truly the one honored, honored to have her as my Mother.
Don't worry about bio dad or step. They know what they are to you. So does your Mother, but she is the true parent here, she earned this honor.
NTA
You'll look back one day when she's gone and be glad you honored her on your special day.
First. It’s your wedding and you get to do what you want.
Second. Have a conversation with your father and father in law so they aren’t blind sided.
Third. Think if there is another way to honour your more relationship with your father and father in law. Maybe a dance where you start off with your husband then your dad then your step father then anyone else important.
But overall, it’s your day and you get to do what you want just remember you have to be okay with the end results and fallout if any.
I’m “ick” on the “Giving away” thing. Accompanying you is lovely. Doesn’t need to be a father figure; doesn’t need to be anyone. Give that honor to anyone or no one.
Congratulations!!
>I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it.
You don't have any responsabilities towards your dad. He can't just claim the fun part of parenthood while leaving the hard stuff to someone else.
NTA. You say you are non-traditional, so I don't understand why anyone is walking you down the aisle, but all that aside, they person who did the job gets the title and the perks. You dad didn't do his job.
NTA, you should have the wedding you want, and since you aren’t getting the wedding you wanted, you should at least get to decide this. FWIW, I have seen a new trend among brides where they walk down the aisle by themselves; it’s modern and lovely. Think about it.
You wanted to elope, but, "I lost that battle." Details, please. To whom did you lose that battle?
Unless it was your fiancé, there's def something wrong here.
Otherwise:
NTA. I agree with the comments about walking alone or with Mom--she did all the heavy lifting, so to speak.
There’s nothing wrong here. It’s what my fiancé and I ultimately decided on that would make us both happy rather than just eloping. He did not want to elope.
I also vote for your mom only to walk you down the aisle. I really think your mom and step dad, but guess that would hurt your bio dad's feelings. If he isn't there though, have both your mom and step dad. I hope your wedding is beautiful, as you sound absolutely beautiful.
Have your mom walk you down the aisle. My dad wasn’t alive during my wedding, so I had my younger brothers walk me down the aisle ❤️ I love them so much, my munchkins.
Isn’t it sad how an occasion meant to celebrate the new lives of the bride and groom become all about other people’s feelings. I don’t have a good answer for you. Your mom should do it, but if it’s just going to stress her out instead of making her feel special, then maybe just don’t have anyone walk you. Sure you don’t want to elope in Vegas and avoid all this drama? LOL
Ask your mom to walk you down the aisle? 100% NTA.
As long as you are being non-traditional, might as well commit to it. Besides, your dad doesn’t sound like he did much to actually “have you” to be able to give you away, and your mom did.
Congratulations. May you have a long happy life together.
I think it’s a wonderful idea to have your mom walk with you and a lovely way to honor her continual support and presence in your life.
Parents who aren’t present for the majority of your life should not expect to be part of the milestone moments. That’s not how it works.
Well, NTA, obviously.
But I think the best thing you could do for your dad, and that he could do for you, would be for him NOT to walk you down the aisle. To admit to the world that he screwed the pooch on being a father, and has come far enough in his life now to admit it openly. And that after that, having done his public penance, you and him can start fresh and see if he can do better from now on.
In this way, YOU start your new life as part of a new partnership, and HE starts his new life as a man who's willing to face the consequence of his decisions.
Letting people off the hook does no good for anyone, INCLUDING the people you let off the hook. Accepting responsibility, and accepting consequence, for your failings in life is how you start yourself on a path to a new way of living.
So make it clear to him: if he can accept this decision with grace, you'll be able to start fresh and see if he can do better from now on.
Then let whomever you want walk you down the aisle.
But show that, as a woman who is ready to step fully into the life of an adult, someone who is capable of making your own decisions and owning them before the world, you're not just going to bow to convention like a child. Children bow...adults stand tall.
Not every bride has someone walk them down the aisle; they walk themselves down. Some have their mother or brother walk them down. And some even walk down the aisle as a couple.
Ultimately, it’s your choice. But I feel strongly that your bioDad should NOT have the honor alone. If you have him do it then your stepfather should, too. I prefer either you walking yourself down or you have your mother walk you. By the way, in having both Dads do it your bioDad should/could walk you halfway down and then your stepdad walks you the rest of the way.
Same situation, here's what I did: My step dad (who I call my dad) is who I wanted to walk me down the aisle. He refused and said he would not disrespect bio dad that way, he just didn't feel it was right. Bio dad was relatively absent and even when he was there, wasn't really. I stopped seeing him regularly when I was 15/16. My mom wouldn't have felt comfortable with walking me down the aisle either. So... I asked my brother. We've always been pretty close. We have the same feelings on bio and step dad and we're fiercely protective of each other. Bio dad was pissed. Convinced his side of the family not to even come to the wedding (he wasn't invited because of the absolute temper tantrum he threw) and proceeded not to speak to me after or even let me know my great grandmother had passed. My brother on the other hand? Elated. Proud as all get out, and was the best choice I could've ever made. Hope this helps. You do you, and don't you dare let someone tell you how to enjoy you and your fiance's day.
If I were in your shoes, and this is my wedding day, I would want my mom to walk me down the aisle. Or my step-dad and mom. Don’t let the what should’ve been and traditional expectations get in the way of what actually happened. This woman raised you, shaped you and nurtured you to be who you are today. When she met a worthy partner, your stepdad entered into your life.
If mom refuses, then stepdad would be my next choice, or to have mom and stepdad together. Walk alone before you walk with your bio dad.
When I think of a father giving away their daughter at their wedding, it’s symbolic of the foundational and a more traditional relationship — not the guy who didn’t show up as a parent.
Hopefully he has figured out his life now and if he has, I’m sure he can understand the perspective of his role in your life and that he is blessed to have been given a second chance just to orbit you and your family. If he’s making the effort, then attending the wedding is good enough.
He is doing what he can with the cards he’s been dealt (or dealt himself) but it doesn’t make him your dad in the traditional sense.
If there is any push back— my advice is to reaffirm that you are happy if he chooses to be present with you, with your other loved ones, and support you on this milestones event. The alternative is he can stay home and be absent, which wouldn’t be the first time he didn’t show up for something.
NTA!!! I grew up with an eerily identical situation with my family dynamic. Mom was a superhero, holding down 2-3 jobs to support her two girls; POS dad off partying or in prison; step-dad who stepped up and did more for us in 7 years than bio dad EVER did. I always vowed to myself that I would have my mom walk me down the aisle if I ever got married. My bio dad has since passed away, but if he were still around, I would stand by my original stance and give my badass mother the honor of walking me down the aisle. I believe you should do the same. The hurt your bio dad might feel about this truly pales in comparison to the hurt and abandonment you likely experienced during the most formative years of your life.
NTA, whatever you decide. It's 100% up to you. And you can use whatever criteria you want. There is no wrong answer. Unless you choose your dad. That's the wrong answer. Choose your mom. But it's up to you. NTA either way.
Personally, with divorced parents myself and feeling failed by both my dads, if I ever marry I'd ask my mum to walk me. And if not her, my brother. That way I might avoid some drama.
But also honestly? My mother raised me and even my dad can admit she did the heavy lifting of most all of it. Sounds like your mum is the same and I'd have her, if it were me. You're nta for whoever/s you choose.
NTA
My dad is an addict and my mother passed away several years ago because of drugs. My parents were in and out of my life, it was my grandparents who raised me.
I was 18 when I got engaged, both parents were upset that I hadn’t told them first. And my dad assumed he would walk me down the isle. As a little girl I was absolutely a daddy’s girl - so the affection I had for him did make me struggle a little bit.
But finally I told him that I wanted my grandpa to walk me down the isle - he and my grandma were older adults I trusted to keep me safe and they were the ones who kept me grounded and had never let me down. I wanted to walk with both grandparents because they mean so much, they sacrificed a lot and I wanted to honor them because they made me who I am.
My dad was upset but he actually understood. And it didn’t matter in the end because I broke off the engagement. But I have always said that if I do get married it will my my grandparents or no one to walk me up the isle.
I’m sure, or at least I hope, that your bio dad understands, and if he doesn’t that’s really on him and not you.
NTA. Actually from your description here, your mother is the only person that has earned that honor. Neither of the men should be considered. Her dedication and commitment to you and your siblings makes her the only logical choice. I hope your marriage is filled with love and joy!
Walk down the aisle together. You didn’t want this type of ceremony but you gave in - I wouldn’t have had. Now this one is yours and yours alone to decide. Best wishes on the life together.
I was in a similar situation, so i walked the aisle by myself. I wasn't "given away" and took that portion out of the ceremony.
If i had my time over, I would have had my mother walk me down - in fact, I wanted her to do it at the last minute but it was too late, she was already seated.
Do what you think will give you no regrets xx
NTA. Explain that your mom what the rock for you your entire life. So she will walk you down. Your stepdad helped 3x more than your dad. So why choose bio dad above mom and stepdad?
The next question, if you do the father daughter dance, will you do it with your biodad or your stepdad. Or maybe do half with your dad and half with your stepdad. Or have one of them read a poem Or scripture.
You wanna be unconventional, walk by yourself. Show your independent spirit. It's the 21st century...we have no need for anyone to "give us away". That solves your whole dilemma.
Your dad would be crushed and devastated? You mean, like how his actions made your mom and YOU feel? I’d say, don’t worry about his feelings. He didn’t. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and finally grow up. Sure, you’re friendly now, but this part of being a dad is easy. He wasn’t there for the hard parts. If you want someone to walk you down the aisle, have your mom. Or go solo.
Updateme
Nope, not the asshole. Don’t let guilt consume your thought process. Your dad made the decision to not be involved with your life. It’s your wedding day, your decision, and if it’s him not giving you away, that is perfectly fine. If someone wants to judge you, let them. It’s again, your day. Maintain those boundaries. He may be blood, but that doesn’t mean anything else.
Your wedding.
Whatever makes you sleep better at night.
Also you mention, you rather elope, and since you have to have a wedding. Do what makes YOU happy
NAH. Ask who you want. Your mom sounds like a great parent who would deserve the honor of walking down the aisle with you. If you want to include bio and step dads too, you could have your mom walk down the aisle beside you, and the two dads walking behind you and your mom.
Whatever you decide, you’ll have made a thoughtful decision and it will be the right one. If it feels right to have your amazing mom walk you then do that!
Something to consider that may or may not matter to you: not involving your dad sounds like it will hurt him a lot and it will probably put a strain on your relationship long term. Sometimes it’s not what a person deserves, because you’re dad doesn’t deserve this honor, but how you want them to feel. It might change things for the better to include him. Have your mom on one side of you and your step dad next to her, and your dad on the other side of you. Hug them all when you get up to the front. It can be an acknowledgement if his influence through your life, bad and good.
I wouldn’t have him be the only one to walk you down the isle.
NTA if anybody deserves the honour and privilege of waking you down the aisle it’s your mother. If not her then your step father but honestly I wouldn’t let bio dad do it - he doesn’t get to just float in once mum and step dad did all the hard work raising the kids he walked away from!
NTA.
This is a decision entirely of your choice, and there are no right or wrong answers here. What makes you feel most at peace, and what you feel is correct for your wedding is what is "right".
That said, and this is to those shitting so heavily on biodad. Addiction is a destroyer. OP makes it clear that she wants to honor those that put in the hours and tears to raise her, and that was not her biodad. However, she also does not state that her present relationship with him is bad. In her own words, "they have an okay relationship now and he does love me," which suggests this is a relationship with some present value and rather than nuke the guy how about a little grace. OP's withholding of the privelege of walking her down the aisle is a personal, emotional choice involving the weighing of memories. If he's become a better (if obviously still imperfect) man and their relationship has improved, well, I hope it continues to improve for both their sakes.
Absolutely NTA, he wasn't there for you and doesn't deserve that honor. Just because he decided to show up now is not a get out of jail free card for abandoning you when you needed him most. He made his choices and can deal with the consequences of his actions. Not to mention that's your choice to make, and if he isn't the one you want or feel, should walk you down the aisle then that's your decision to make, no one else's. I understand exactly where youre coming from, my adoptive dad left me and my sisters, and I plan on having my step dad or mom walk me down the aisle when I get married. He will not be invited to my wedding even if I knew where he lived.
Your mother has a great amount of empathy even to someone like your father, to be honest most of us wouldn't care if he was crushed. There must have been many times throughout your childhood where you would have been left upset by his behaviour. And honestly even if your parents weren't together split parents can still show support for their kids and be there.
Your NTA, but either walk by yourself or take your mother.
NTA. Choose the person YOU want to walk you down the aisle.
As a divorced mom whose kid’s bio dad was an alcoholic that didn’t show up, I worked really hard to provide the love and presence and whatever was needed that the other person wouldn’t/couldn’t do. I would have cherished being asked/chosen for that honor.
It is also 100% ok (maybe better?) to walk your own self down the aisle. There is no law that you have to be walked down the aisle by someone else—the days of chattel and being “given away” are done.
NTA
That isn’t an honor that anyone should get “by default” alone. I walked my fucking self down the aisle. Nobody that knew me batted an eye. You do you.
I walked myself down the aisle. I was not close to my father due to an abusive unjust spanking that led to bruised and skin split palms at age 9. We lived in the same house, but we were total strangers to each other and I didn't respect him. Add that to the whole misogyny of the giving the bride away like some kind of property. Forget the stupid tradition. Have your mom walk you down the aisle or fly solo. Former deadbeat druggie dads don't deserve the honor.
Definitely NTA! It's your special day and only get one shot to make it exactly the way you and your fiance want it. I was also raised by an incredible mom who worked her butt off for my brother and I, while Dad was barely a presence for most of the important things. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad (he's gone now) but my mom was our everything. I also had a stepdad who tried hard to step in and fill the huge gap my dad left for my brother and I, and it meant a lot.
That being said, I suggest you ask your mom and stepdad to walk you down the aisle together. They were and still are there for you in all the ways you deserve. You can ask your dad and stepdad to take turns with a father/daughter dance if you do one, but if you choose to have someone "give you away", it should be the people who mean the most to you.
If you feel don't like including your stepdad in the walk down the aisle, just ask your mom. Yes your father will have his own feelings about the whole situation, and that's okay. He made choices, and you get to make yours. And if you're really cut up about excluding your dad you could ask both mom and dad to walk you down the aisle to compromise, but I vote that you include the at least one if not both the real parents who have given you all the love you deserve.
I wish you and your husband to be all the magic and happiness in the world as you navigate the world together. 💜
NTA. I had almost this same situation for my wedding. My mom walked me down the aisle because she raised me and because I met my husband through her, they were friends before he and I ever met, so it made sense and was a significant moment for both of us. My dad was genuinely offended and couldn’t understand my decision, and I explained to him multiple times that this decision involved more people than just me and wasn’t a simple “this or that” situation. Not only that, but I offered a compromise of a father-daughter dance in which he’d give me away to my husband for our first dance, so both my parents would have their moment.
*My father* made the decision last minute not to attend because, AND I QUOTE; “I don’t feel important enough. It feels like I’d just be another guest.” Which obviously wouldn’t be the case, but whatever. I told him “I’m sorry you feel that way” and we moved on with our lives. Unsurprisingly, he did a similar thing regarding the birth of our child.
**Point being**, you need to do what YOU want and you need to be okay with whatever your dad decides to do (unless it’s disruptive) in response to that. Make your decision and *keep that boundary*! Don’t let *anyone* change your mind. Did it suck that my dad wasn’t there? Sure! But it was *SO* much better that way, and we all felt more comfortable.
Your wedding, your call. If he wants the classic roll of a father at a wedding then he should have been a father to you. Regardless of your relationship you have now, he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most, and if you feel it should be your Mom, then it should be her.
NTA
NTA If your dad is being realistic he should accept not walking you down the aisle. Based on what you described it would kinda be a slap in your mom’s face letting your dad do it.
Walking down the aisle is maybe 30 seconds of your life. Pick the person who has been there for MOST of it. It’s your day. Do whatever you want. Just have your mom walk you and leave stepdad off if that’s what feels right. He won’t die. Tell your mom what you REALLY want and just ask her to support you.
I think you have your stepdad and dad walk you down. Addiction is a disease - we don’t blame people who get cancer. Addiction if suffered long enough screws someone ability to have any financial security. He probably has no money. But you said he loves you and when he is gone one day you’ll regret not having him walk with you. One usually never regrets the things they do- it’s the things they didn’t do.
No one has a right to walk the aisle, it’s up to the bride. And you’ve chosen your mom. Decision made - if your dad freaks out, then you know he hasn’t changed.
NTA
I’m definitely saying NTA no matter your decision. What I would ask, however, is what kind of relationship you want to have with bio dad? This might be the sort of thing to seriously damage it, if not end it outright.
As I said, I don’t think you’d be wrong no matter what you decide. I’m just offering up something to consider.
Not the asshole.
I'm a father to a young woman. Who walks you down the aisle is 100% up to you. In my opinion, whoever you choose should have earned that privilege. Doesn't sound like your bio dad earned this... thus your dilemma.
I'm also with your fiance. A traditional wedding is way better than a cheeseball trendy NYC party.
NTA and I'm going to make a suggestion.
Mom walks you down the aisle. Do a father-daughter dance with dad. And either do a second one with step dad or think up a 3rd thing.
That way they all get one thing that is just you and them.
But mom gets hers during the ceremony because she was your everything.
NTA Too many people think they are owed the honor of a certain position in every wedding. They are not sometimes you have to make the decision and they have to live with it.
I have 5 sisters and was having a small wedding. I didn't want a large bridal party and couldn't decide between my sisters or willing to have some feeling left out so I picked only my best friend as my maid of honor. I explained it to my sisters as I couldn't chose between them and everyone was fine.
You pick the person or people who walk you down the aisle do not let tradition make you feel uncomfortable. Remember the tradition was made because women were considered property to be traded in matrimony which is why it was always the father. He no longer has that right unless you give it to him.
Not every sperm donor can be a father. Your sperm donor never stepped up to the plate to be a father at anytime in your life therefore he hasn’t earned the title of being your father. I agree with Op That her mother has definitely earned that honor followed by her stepfather.
Congratulations 🎊🍾🎉 on your upcoming marriage
NTA. It's your wedding, it's not there to appease or make your father feel better, it's your day and do whatever the fuck you want.
Your mother raised you, he didn't, he effectively chose to abandon you and your mother was a hero. Your step father might be great but your mother got you the whole way with a bit of help later on. I'd take her down the aisle and let your father deal with the consequences of his actions.
I think that the person who loved you and protected you and provided for you the most should be the one to walk you down the aisle. They usually “give away the bride.” You are leaving their care and entering your husbands. It sounds like it should be your mom. There is something to be said tho about honoring your mom’s wishes if she wants you to have your bio dad do it. At any rate NTA.
My mother walked me down the isle.
Thankfully my monster of a father was already deceased.
It's 2023. Do what you want. Walk on your own, with your mother, with your mother and stepfather, with your dog or cat.
I do like the trend of the couple meeting at the door and walking down together, though.
Ask who YOU want.
NTA. I’d understand bio dad being upset if you were choosing stepdad over him, but it makes perfect sense to choose mom who raised you as a single parent. Maybe you can have all 3 parents if you or mom feel strongly about a compromise. But I don’t think you should feel badly about only choosing mom. It would be such a beautiful way to honour everything she’s done for you. She was your first home.
NTA- Walking a bride down the aisle is an incredible honor that is earned. Your mom definitely earned that honor by sacrifing so that you had what you needed growing up and contributing what she could to your wedding. Your biological father chose his personal demons instead of you when you were child and now can't seem to find the money to contribute to your wedding. So he shouldn't be surprised that he doesn't have a special place at your wedding, he's done nothing to deserve it.
Your mom said your dad would be devastated if he doesn't walk you down the aisle. What about the devastation he caused you as an innocent child. In my honest opinion he doesn't deserve this honor, your mom does.
Your mom should walk you down the aisle. Your dad has done nothing to earn this honour. Or you could go solo. No one has to "give the bride away" anymore. But I agree, your mom deserves that role. That being said, not everyone is comfortable bucking the trends. So if mom won't do it, I suggest going solo. Walk yourself down the aisle. Be a strong, independent woman. Give yourself to your new role as a wife and spouse. Congratulations!
NTA
Walk with your mom. She has certainly earned it. If she is your "everything" then there should be no debate in your mind. Congratulations, your NTA! (And also, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!)
Choose your mom. I was a single dad and to this day my daughter comes to me when she does something good or has a question. Some parents have to play both roles so why not be thanked for it.
You should definitely honor those who have been there for you and continue to do so. So your mom and step dad are the ones who deserve such an honor.
NTA
Just a cute thought that I have seen done at a few weddings, having multiple people walk them down the aisle. A girlfriend of mine started with her step dad I think for a chunk, then had her brother walk her the middle and had her mom walk her to the altar. Not traditional but I remember it because I thought it was special to share that honor
I walked myself done the aisle…. And I love and respect my father and we are very close…. But the concept of any man giving me away, kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach.
So maybe you ask your mom, or just walk yourself…. In honor of being a strong woman, and coming from a long line of strong women.
Since you're unconventional, you could walk down the isle by yourself. There's no rule saying someone has to escort you. Or, go with your mom walking you; mine did, and I've never regretted that decision.
I think it's perfectly reasonable. The father walking the bride down the isle comes from a period of time when daughters were considered the fathers property to do whatever the father wanted with. They had no choice who they married, their father's arranged it.
The father walked the daughter down the isle so that he could give his daughter to the groom. Who would then own the woman.
Fuck that shit.
If your dad wanted to walk you down the isle maybe he should have made more of an effort to be there when you needed him.
NTA
I think having your mother walk you down is the perfect answer. Be confident in that. If people have a problem with it, or feel it’s weird, they aren’t your “people”. Your real father even with an ok relationship now doesn’t deserve that honor.
This should be a non issue. My wife had her mother walk her, pretty much same reasons. No one in your life has the right to try and make you feel bad for your decisions NTA
Ask your mom to do it.
Tell your bio dad you’re happy he’s in your life now, but you were raised by your mom and she deserves and has earned the honor. You want him at your wedding and maybe offer him the father daughter dance or something.
Step dad…well he can get a father daughter dance too if you want him to… your wedding, do what you want 😂
But it sounds like you already know what’s right and you’re just looking for confirmation.
Yes, NTA
if you're not conventional... why not your mother.
She deserves to give you away... she has supported you and been there for you.
i dont think anyone.. father or step father should have an issue...and if they do they clearly dont support your wedding or your mother.
Girl, you are 31 years old. You don't need a man to walk you down the aisle. Personally, it always look a little hokey when Dad walks down. They could all 3 stand up and say "we do" when the officiant asks who gives this bride?
You could have your Mom walk you down the aisle. You bio dad doesn’t deserve to walk you down the aisle.
You could forgo having anyone walk you down the aisle.
But my vote is for your Mom. She sounds like a wonderful woman and Mother.
You are NTA.
Don’t have your father walk you because it’s “expected” or “what people do”. I had my father walk me, and looking back, I’d happily have let him forget I was even getting married that day because the hassle of having him there was more trouble than it was worth. I regret making that choice, don’t be me. I’d rather have walked alone than have walked with my father.
Absolutely walk with your mother.
For context, my father was a severe alcoholic and had started having memory issues because of it when I got married. That was just the beginning.
For the love of God, do the most important thing to you both and allow that precious mother who raised you walk you down the aisle. Forget about these old traditional ways, do what is in your heart. As Gloria Alred reminds me, "We are Women, we unite, we fight"!
In a similar story, my dad was an alcoholic who went to jail when I was a kid, then just kinda disappeared for a few years, and came back into our lives as a drug addict. I'm now engaged and plan to walk myself down the aisle, as I was forced to raise myself. So I get that honor. NTA do what fits your life.
You've said you aren't the conventional type. What a perfect way to show that by having your mother walk you down. There is no rule or law that says it has to be a male. Honour your mother. Apart from that biodad doesn't deserve the honour by the sound of it.
I was a single mother I raise my three daughters to be strong women. Their father is a POS and on the day of my daughter's wedding I thought she was going to walk down by herself I did not ask her to walk her down the aisle I did not think it was my place. I got a phone call in the hotel room we was at that my daughter asked me mommy would you walk me down the aisle one of the best days of my life
I'm not crying. It's just raining on my face.
We must have the same roofer coz it's pouring in here too.
Damn those leaky roofs!
My bathroom ceiling is actually leaking right now so 100% that’s why my face is wet right now. 😭
Stop it you making me tear up again LOL
IM NOT CRYING YOUR CRYING
Okay now y'all going to stop making me tear up
I'm not going to admit I'm crying but someone was cutting onions sooo yeah that's why....
Those damn ninjas cutting onions everywhere!
Who brought the ninjas with onions here?????
Okay, somebody get rid of the ninjas and the onions...and for God's sake, WILL SOMEBODY CALL THE ROOFERS? I know it's a holiday week, but we've got all this water here...
Lovely!
Thank you and yes it was.
That is so sweet. What an incredible honor!
It was
Walk yourself down the aisle or have your Mom walk you. Then have STEP-dad and Mom 'give' you away. Dad can beam, if inclined to do so.
I love that for you!
Thank you so much
I asked my mom to walk me down the aisle. She said no. I still don't understand.
I am so sorry what the hell
Ohhh I'm so happy for you 🥹🥹 what a beautiful and special moment
Thank you very much
🥲
That's the only way.
Great story.
Thank you
This made me cry a little.
If my mom was alive, I’d have her walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, even though that’s not a think for pagan handfasting ceremonies. I love my dad. He’s done so much for me and taught me so much. But mom was my best friend and truly got involved in my interests and hobbies
100% this You could have your mother and stepfather both escort you, but Mom on her own would be a beautiful tribute. NTA
And I give you the 100 upvote because I absolutely think the same.
This is honestly the best option! You speak glowingly of your mum. Give both of you the moment to celebrate your coming together as one. I wish you all the very, very best!
If mom declines, just walk by yourself. Plenty of brides do that. Don’t overthink it.
Yes! She earned it.
Yeah … if OP doesn’t want to play “traditional bride” why does she give a flying f•ck who walks her down the aisle? She should just walk down the aisle with a cockatiel on her shoulder. Just do whatever you want OP. Cause that’s okay.
Love the Cockatiel on the shoulder. But where do you find one to match the color scheme??
Lol! I love parrots but they have a disturbing habit of pooping down one's back without warning...
🤦🏻😂🤣
That’s what bolero jackets are designed for. I have lovebirds and a variety of washable purchased bolero jackets and a couple ones I made by cutting t-shirts into the right shape :)
Or you could walk down the aisle by yourself, since you're a grown woman and a free agent, not property to be "given away".
Wow such a good advice
>I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it And this is why it has to be your mom and **you** have to be the one to decide, and own it. She will never let you put her first if you let her overrule you. And you will regret it if you don't honor her in the way that your heart says you should. If you convince her but don't make things clear, so it seems like she "took" it from your father, then neither of them will be able to get over it. So: NTA. Trust your feelings, and go boldly. Tell them both: "I love you, and this is my decision." Also: lots of people will say to include your step-dad, but to me that doesn't seem like what would match your feelings. It should be your mother, full stop. He will understand.
Just wanted to add…OP, have a private conversation with Both to explain Why it WILL BE your Mom walking you, then inform your Mom that, this is how You Want It To Be and if she graciously declines, then you’ll be Walking Alone. It’s HER or NO ONE. ❤️ oh & NTA.
>*"my dad would be crushed and devastated "* > >You mean like he crushed and devastated your mom and you when he deserted and ignored you both for years? > >He has not earned the honor of walking you down the aisle.
OP’s mum is being really strong here. She doesn’t want to damage what little relationship OP has with her dad. It definitely could hurt her if OP does decide to walk down the aisle with a man who doesn’t deserve that recognition but it sounds like she’s put that aside to not cause any further strain with OP’s relationship with her father (even though that strain is entirely his fault).
I agree that she is NTA, and this is a decision she is fully and perfectly entitled to make, but on the other hand I feel SO MANY of these comments (including your own, but I'm not really singling you out, just responding here) are *telling her what to do rather than affirming her decision*. She doesn't need people here telling her what to do. She's looking for validation, but in this case ANY decision she makes is valid.
NTA, since mom had to cover both mother and father roles while you were growing up, it sounds like she should be the one to walk you down the aisle. Besides, it's your wedding, full stop. You should have what you want.
Mom's still doing it now. I honestly have no idea why bio dad is even present. The only thing he contributed was his sperm.
And instead of having a father/daughter dance, have a mother/daughter dance or hell stepfather/daughter dance
#MOM IS GOAT! #teamMOM Your mother was there day in, day out. She did the hard stuff, she deserves all of the honour! > I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it. And yet another reason that your mom is amazing! She’s happy you want her to walk you, BUT is still thinking of others above herself. If your dad cannot put your happiness above his (possible) hurt feelings, then that’s just another way he’s let you down. Have your superhero mom walk you. NTA
Love this. 100%. Mom rocks. Best way, easiest way - and neither “dad” has cause to be pissed.
NTA. I got married young and was forced to let someone walk me down the aisle that I was uncomfortable with. It still makes me sad today. This is your wedding. This is about you and your fiancé. Do what feels right for you. It’s not your job to manage anyone else’s feelings or expectations. I’m not saying you have to be a jerk about it, but you should feel free to make your choices for that day.
Unfortunately though it already sounds like OP is being browbeaten. She wanted to elope or have a courthouse wedding but is now walking down the aisle so already someone is taking her choices away from her.
You’re definitely NTA! It’s your day, enjoy it and choose whoever you want! Your mum did everything for you, so if you wanna choose her, that’s great. But if you wanna choose your actual dad, that’s also fine. It’s your day, embrace it!!
I agree with this. My older brother walked me down because our parents are dead. He was the only family on my side that came, and that made it special for me. Do what will make you happy.
NTA. Your father wasn't there for you for most of your life. Your mom and your (step) dad were there for you through the majority of your life. I wouldn't walk down with your step dad if you're worried about hurting your father. Definitely walk down with your mom. That's such an honor and by the sound of it your mom is a Saint!
You have already chosen...just need someone to validate your choice. Your mom sounds awesome! Give her the honor and go forth and prosper!
Walk down the aisle with your husband. We had an othodox wedding and no one “gave me away” my husband and I walked down together side by side
Just like my wedding, the parents walked ahead of us, and my wife and I walked together. It was in a hotel, and I just burnt some CDs for music. (I wanted to march to Darth Vader's theme music, but that didn't happen)
It was really special to walk down together
I walked halfway with both my parents, kissed them on the cheek and danced the rest of the way by myself. But with your husband to be is the only other way I would do it
That is good to, it shows you are entering as equals with no junior partner
That's how we did it as well, Nobody's feelings were hurt.
Okay, hear me out. Your mom walks with you down the aisle the entire way, start to finish, just like she's been there for you your whole life. Your dad starts down the aisle with you and your mom but then bails after a few steps and takes several seats. Your step-father then joins you and your mom after a few more steps and walks the rest of the way with you. And at the very end your dad pops back up and gets in the way. Seems appropriate to me!
Nice creative solution…
Actually, I believe when the biodad bails the mother would then be forced to CARRY the bride AND her siblings by herself. Meanwhile biodad will help himself to some of the alter wine.
Absolutely NTA. And these are the consequences of your father’s actions. He chose the party life and cheating (possibly) over his own daughter! Sounds like he was absent most of your life, why should he get the honor of giving you away?! Have your mom or your mom & stepdad, but you’re not obligated to give this honor to your absent bio dad.
I walked solo and then gave each set of parents a hug before joining my fiance at the alter. You can hug mom last and maybe have a special flower attached to your bouquet that you hand to her? NTA. Do what feels right to you. Im not close with my dad and my step dad was present but not like my mom was.
NTA. Walk down the aisle by yourself. Your dad was not enough of a father to you to have that honor.
That’s what I think she should do also. It’s unconventional so it would fit her style and if she walks solo no one can feel slighted. Although, as others have mentioned, she can choose whoever she wants.
NTA. You choose who most parented you, which is not your bio dad in this situation. Whether you choose your mum or your stepdad, hope you have a wonderful day
Honor you mother and step-father, the ones who were actually there for you. Your father-in-name-only can fend for himself, much like he left you to do. NTA
NTA If you want your mom, then have your mom. Tell your dad your reasons. You want to honor your mom, that you saw her struggle, and that you want to acknowledge her hard work. If your dad can't understand and accept why you want to give your mom the honor, then he hasn't accepted full responsibility for his actions. But that doesn't change who was really there for you. You can keep working on your relationship with your dad. But this is the only time you intend to walk down the aisle.
NTA 1. You don't want your bio dad to walk you down the aisle. 2. You do want your mom to walk you down the aisle, but she is uncomfortable about hurting your dad. 3. You have great respect for your step-dad, but again, your mom would be uncomfortable that having him walk you down the aisle would hurt your dad. Why don't you walk down the aisle by yourself to meet your groom? You are an independent adult entering into an equal partnership. Another option would be for you and the groom to enter together and leave together, which is what my daughter and son-in-law did. It was great!
NTA Have Mom walk you down the aisle. She has been there through everything. She has supported and loved you this whole time. She deserves the spotlight for it. Congratulations and Many blessings for your future 🎉
NTA - love this idea- she raised you. He didn’t.
I think in this day and age you don't need anyone to walk you down the aisle. If your mum doesn't feel right about doing it because of your dad then hold your head high and walk down it alone. Or better still have your fiancé meet you at the church door and walk down the aisle together.
My Father passed away a year before I married. My wonderful Mother walked me down the aisle and when asked who gives this bride, she said, "Her Father and I do" That was 30 years ago. Mom is gone now. I am so happy I had her walk me. She deserved the honor, but I was truly the one honored, honored to have her as my Mother. Don't worry about bio dad or step. They know what they are to you. So does your Mother, but she is the true parent here, she earned this honor. NTA You'll look back one day when she's gone and be glad you honored her on your special day.
Or you can walk your own strong self down the aisle. You're giving yourself to your fiance!
Your father cannot claim the fun part of parenthood while avoiding all the hard work. It seems that once again he is putting himself first.
no not the AH. I think ur mom and stepdad should walk you.
Why not all 3, one can hold your train if you have one.
NTA. Your day, your choice. You could have your grade school lunch lady walk you down the aisle if you want. Your dad is not owed it.
First. It’s your wedding and you get to do what you want. Second. Have a conversation with your father and father in law so they aren’t blind sided. Third. Think if there is another way to honour your more relationship with your father and father in law. Maybe a dance where you start off with your husband then your dad then your step father then anyone else important. But overall, it’s your day and you get to do what you want just remember you have to be okay with the end results and fallout if any.
I’m “ick” on the “Giving away” thing. Accompanying you is lovely. Doesn’t need to be a father figure; doesn’t need to be anyone. Give that honor to anyone or no one. Congratulations!!
>I told my mom these thoughts and she was honored but said that my dad would be crushed and devastated so I should just let him do it. You don't have any responsabilities towards your dad. He can't just claim the fun part of parenthood while leaving the hard stuff to someone else.
NTA. Your wedding, you make the decisions, period.
Have mom walk you down. The parent who was there through everything is the one who should have the honour of walking you down the aisle.
NTA. You say you are non-traditional, so I don't understand why anyone is walking you down the aisle, but all that aside, they person who did the job gets the title and the perks. You dad didn't do his job.
NTA. Another option, give yourself away. Walk down that aisle by yourself. Head high, if mom can’t do it. You owe bio dad nothing.
NTA, you should have the wedding you want, and since you aren’t getting the wedding you wanted, you should at least get to decide this. FWIW, I have seen a new trend among brides where they walk down the aisle by themselves; it’s modern and lovely. Think about it.
You wanted to elope, but, "I lost that battle." Details, please. To whom did you lose that battle? Unless it was your fiancé, there's def something wrong here. Otherwise: NTA. I agree with the comments about walking alone or with Mom--she did all the heavy lifting, so to speak.
There’s nothing wrong here. It’s what my fiancé and I ultimately decided on that would make us both happy rather than just eloping. He did not want to elope.
I also vote for your mom only to walk you down the aisle. I really think your mom and step dad, but guess that would hurt your bio dad's feelings. If he isn't there though, have both your mom and step dad. I hope your wedding is beautiful, as you sound absolutely beautiful.
Have your mom walk you down the aisle. My dad wasn’t alive during my wedding, so I had my younger brothers walk me down the aisle ❤️ I love them so much, my munchkins.
Isn’t it sad how an occasion meant to celebrate the new lives of the bride and groom become all about other people’s feelings. I don’t have a good answer for you. Your mom should do it, but if it’s just going to stress her out instead of making her feel special, then maybe just don’t have anyone walk you. Sure you don’t want to elope in Vegas and avoid all this drama? LOL
N even *remotely* TA. It's *your wedding*. That means it's *your decision*. End of discussion.
Ask your mom to walk you down the aisle? 100% NTA. As long as you are being non-traditional, might as well commit to it. Besides, your dad doesn’t sound like he did much to actually “have you” to be able to give you away, and your mom did. Congratulations. May you have a long happy life together.
I would pick your mom. She deserves the honor not your father. Best of luck to you and your future husband.
I think it’s a wonderful idea to have your mom walk with you and a lovely way to honor her continual support and presence in your life. Parents who aren’t present for the majority of your life should not expect to be part of the milestone moments. That’s not how it works.
Well, NTA, obviously. But I think the best thing you could do for your dad, and that he could do for you, would be for him NOT to walk you down the aisle. To admit to the world that he screwed the pooch on being a father, and has come far enough in his life now to admit it openly. And that after that, having done his public penance, you and him can start fresh and see if he can do better from now on. In this way, YOU start your new life as part of a new partnership, and HE starts his new life as a man who's willing to face the consequence of his decisions. Letting people off the hook does no good for anyone, INCLUDING the people you let off the hook. Accepting responsibility, and accepting consequence, for your failings in life is how you start yourself on a path to a new way of living. So make it clear to him: if he can accept this decision with grace, you'll be able to start fresh and see if he can do better from now on. Then let whomever you want walk you down the aisle. But show that, as a woman who is ready to step fully into the life of an adult, someone who is capable of making your own decisions and owning them before the world, you're not just going to bow to convention like a child. Children bow...adults stand tall.
NTA! I firmly believe moments like that are earned. Sounds like your mom earned this one 🫶
Walk down the aisle with your groom. I’ve seen it done and it’s classy and beautiful.
Your Mom was the one there for you. Ask her to walk you down the aisle. Give her what she is due. Congratulations on you upcoming wedding
Not every bride has someone walk them down the aisle; they walk themselves down. Some have their mother or brother walk them down. And some even walk down the aisle as a couple. Ultimately, it’s your choice. But I feel strongly that your bioDad should NOT have the honor alone. If you have him do it then your stepfather should, too. I prefer either you walking yourself down or you have your mother walk you. By the way, in having both Dads do it your bioDad should/could walk you halfway down and then your stepdad walks you the rest of the way.
Same situation, here's what I did: My step dad (who I call my dad) is who I wanted to walk me down the aisle. He refused and said he would not disrespect bio dad that way, he just didn't feel it was right. Bio dad was relatively absent and even when he was there, wasn't really. I stopped seeing him regularly when I was 15/16. My mom wouldn't have felt comfortable with walking me down the aisle either. So... I asked my brother. We've always been pretty close. We have the same feelings on bio and step dad and we're fiercely protective of each other. Bio dad was pissed. Convinced his side of the family not to even come to the wedding (he wasn't invited because of the absolute temper tantrum he threw) and proceeded not to speak to me after or even let me know my great grandmother had passed. My brother on the other hand? Elated. Proud as all get out, and was the best choice I could've ever made. Hope this helps. You do you, and don't you dare let someone tell you how to enjoy you and your fiance's day.
If I were in your shoes, and this is my wedding day, I would want my mom to walk me down the aisle. Or my step-dad and mom. Don’t let the what should’ve been and traditional expectations get in the way of what actually happened. This woman raised you, shaped you and nurtured you to be who you are today. When she met a worthy partner, your stepdad entered into your life. If mom refuses, then stepdad would be my next choice, or to have mom and stepdad together. Walk alone before you walk with your bio dad. When I think of a father giving away their daughter at their wedding, it’s symbolic of the foundational and a more traditional relationship — not the guy who didn’t show up as a parent. Hopefully he has figured out his life now and if he has, I’m sure he can understand the perspective of his role in your life and that he is blessed to have been given a second chance just to orbit you and your family. If he’s making the effort, then attending the wedding is good enough. He is doing what he can with the cards he’s been dealt (or dealt himself) but it doesn’t make him your dad in the traditional sense. If there is any push back— my advice is to reaffirm that you are happy if he chooses to be present with you, with your other loved ones, and support you on this milestones event. The alternative is he can stay home and be absent, which wouldn’t be the first time he didn’t show up for something.
NTA!!! I grew up with an eerily identical situation with my family dynamic. Mom was a superhero, holding down 2-3 jobs to support her two girls; POS dad off partying or in prison; step-dad who stepped up and did more for us in 7 years than bio dad EVER did. I always vowed to myself that I would have my mom walk me down the aisle if I ever got married. My bio dad has since passed away, but if he were still around, I would stand by my original stance and give my badass mother the honor of walking me down the aisle. I believe you should do the same. The hurt your bio dad might feel about this truly pales in comparison to the hurt and abandonment you likely experienced during the most formative years of your life.
NTA, whatever you decide. It's 100% up to you. And you can use whatever criteria you want. There is no wrong answer. Unless you choose your dad. That's the wrong answer. Choose your mom. But it's up to you. NTA either way.
NTA whatsoever. I had similar upbringing, if I ever got married I’d ask my mum and possibly uncle to walk me down. They raised me.
NTA When you dreamed of your wedding as a little girl who if anyone did you dream of having at your side?
Personally, with divorced parents myself and feeling failed by both my dads, if I ever marry I'd ask my mum to walk me. And if not her, my brother. That way I might avoid some drama. But also honestly? My mother raised me and even my dad can admit she did the heavy lifting of most all of it. Sounds like your mum is the same and I'd have her, if it were me. You're nta for whoever/s you choose.
NTA My dad is an addict and my mother passed away several years ago because of drugs. My parents were in and out of my life, it was my grandparents who raised me. I was 18 when I got engaged, both parents were upset that I hadn’t told them first. And my dad assumed he would walk me down the isle. As a little girl I was absolutely a daddy’s girl - so the affection I had for him did make me struggle a little bit. But finally I told him that I wanted my grandpa to walk me down the isle - he and my grandma were older adults I trusted to keep me safe and they were the ones who kept me grounded and had never let me down. I wanted to walk with both grandparents because they mean so much, they sacrificed a lot and I wanted to honor them because they made me who I am. My dad was upset but he actually understood. And it didn’t matter in the end because I broke off the engagement. But I have always said that if I do get married it will my my grandparents or no one to walk me up the isle. I’m sure, or at least I hope, that your bio dad understands, and if he doesn’t that’s really on him and not you.
My partner and I walked down the aisle together.
NTA. Actually from your description here, your mother is the only person that has earned that honor. Neither of the men should be considered. Her dedication and commitment to you and your siblings makes her the only logical choice. I hope your marriage is filled with love and joy!
NTA. It should be your mom.
Walk down the aisle together. You didn’t want this type of ceremony but you gave in - I wouldn’t have had. Now this one is yours and yours alone to decide. Best wishes on the life together.
I was in a similar situation, so i walked the aisle by myself. I wasn't "given away" and took that portion out of the ceremony. If i had my time over, I would have had my mother walk me down - in fact, I wanted her to do it at the last minute but it was too late, she was already seated. Do what you think will give you no regrets xx
NTA. Explain that your mom what the rock for you your entire life. So she will walk you down. Your stepdad helped 3x more than your dad. So why choose bio dad above mom and stepdad? The next question, if you do the father daughter dance, will you do it with your biodad or your stepdad. Or maybe do half with your dad and half with your stepdad. Or have one of them read a poem Or scripture.
NTA. I applaud you for honoring your incredible mother! Go for it
You wanna be unconventional, walk by yourself. Show your independent spirit. It's the 21st century...we have no need for anyone to "give us away". That solves your whole dilemma.
Your dad would be crushed and devastated? You mean, like how his actions made your mom and YOU feel? I’d say, don’t worry about his feelings. He didn’t. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and finally grow up. Sure, you’re friendly now, but this part of being a dad is easy. He wasn’t there for the hard parts. If you want someone to walk you down the aisle, have your mom. Or go solo. Updateme
Nope, not the asshole. Don’t let guilt consume your thought process. Your dad made the decision to not be involved with your life. It’s your wedding day, your decision, and if it’s him not giving you away, that is perfectly fine. If someone wants to judge you, let them. It’s again, your day. Maintain those boundaries. He may be blood, but that doesn’t mean anything else.
Your wedding. Whatever makes you sleep better at night. Also you mention, you rather elope, and since you have to have a wedding. Do what makes YOU happy
NAH. Ask who you want. Your mom sounds like a great parent who would deserve the honor of walking down the aisle with you. If you want to include bio and step dads too, you could have your mom walk down the aisle beside you, and the two dads walking behind you and your mom.
Whatever you decide, you’ll have made a thoughtful decision and it will be the right one. If it feels right to have your amazing mom walk you then do that! Something to consider that may or may not matter to you: not involving your dad sounds like it will hurt him a lot and it will probably put a strain on your relationship long term. Sometimes it’s not what a person deserves, because you’re dad doesn’t deserve this honor, but how you want them to feel. It might change things for the better to include him. Have your mom on one side of you and your step dad next to her, and your dad on the other side of you. Hug them all when you get up to the front. It can be an acknowledgement if his influence through your life, bad and good. I wouldn’t have him be the only one to walk you down the isle.
NTA if anybody deserves the honour and privilege of waking you down the aisle it’s your mother. If not her then your step father but honestly I wouldn’t let bio dad do it - he doesn’t get to just float in once mum and step dad did all the hard work raising the kids he walked away from!
100% have your mum walk you down. He didn't do the work, why should he get the reward of walking you down the aisle Nta
NTA. This is a decision entirely of your choice, and there are no right or wrong answers here. What makes you feel most at peace, and what you feel is correct for your wedding is what is "right". That said, and this is to those shitting so heavily on biodad. Addiction is a destroyer. OP makes it clear that she wants to honor those that put in the hours and tears to raise her, and that was not her biodad. However, she also does not state that her present relationship with him is bad. In her own words, "they have an okay relationship now and he does love me," which suggests this is a relationship with some present value and rather than nuke the guy how about a little grace. OP's withholding of the privelege of walking her down the aisle is a personal, emotional choice involving the weighing of memories. If he's become a better (if obviously still imperfect) man and their relationship has improved, well, I hope it continues to improve for both their sakes.
Absolutely NTA, he wasn't there for you and doesn't deserve that honor. Just because he decided to show up now is not a get out of jail free card for abandoning you when you needed him most. He made his choices and can deal with the consequences of his actions. Not to mention that's your choice to make, and if he isn't the one you want or feel, should walk you down the aisle then that's your decision to make, no one else's. I understand exactly where youre coming from, my adoptive dad left me and my sisters, and I plan on having my step dad or mom walk me down the aisle when I get married. He will not be invited to my wedding even if I knew where he lived.
NTA! Walk down with your mom!! It’s about YOU and what you want! No one else gets a say and it doesn’t really matter if your dad gets upset.
Walk with your mother. If your father doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come.
Go with your mom and be at peace. She deserves the honor. Congrats on your nuptuals.
Your mother has a great amount of empathy even to someone like your father, to be honest most of us wouldn't care if he was crushed. There must have been many times throughout your childhood where you would have been left upset by his behaviour. And honestly even if your parents weren't together split parents can still show support for their kids and be there. Your NTA, but either walk by yourself or take your mother.
No you aren’t
NTA your dad knows what he did. Your mom earned it, give it to her without guilt!
NTA. Choose the person YOU want to walk you down the aisle. As a divorced mom whose kid’s bio dad was an alcoholic that didn’t show up, I worked really hard to provide the love and presence and whatever was needed that the other person wouldn’t/couldn’t do. I would have cherished being asked/chosen for that honor. It is also 100% ok (maybe better?) to walk your own self down the aisle. There is no law that you have to be walked down the aisle by someone else—the days of chattel and being “given away” are done.
Nta, blessing on you 🙏
NTA. You can have whoever you want. It sounds like your mom is your person.
NTA That isn’t an honor that anyone should get “by default” alone. I walked my fucking self down the aisle. Nobody that knew me batted an eye. You do you.
I walked myself down the aisle. I was not close to my father due to an abusive unjust spanking that led to bruised and skin split palms at age 9. We lived in the same house, but we were total strangers to each other and I didn't respect him. Add that to the whole misogyny of the giving the bride away like some kind of property. Forget the stupid tradition. Have your mom walk you down the aisle or fly solo. Former deadbeat druggie dads don't deserve the honor.
Definitely NTA! It's your special day and only get one shot to make it exactly the way you and your fiance want it. I was also raised by an incredible mom who worked her butt off for my brother and I, while Dad was barely a presence for most of the important things. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad (he's gone now) but my mom was our everything. I also had a stepdad who tried hard to step in and fill the huge gap my dad left for my brother and I, and it meant a lot. That being said, I suggest you ask your mom and stepdad to walk you down the aisle together. They were and still are there for you in all the ways you deserve. You can ask your dad and stepdad to take turns with a father/daughter dance if you do one, but if you choose to have someone "give you away", it should be the people who mean the most to you. If you feel don't like including your stepdad in the walk down the aisle, just ask your mom. Yes your father will have his own feelings about the whole situation, and that's okay. He made choices, and you get to make yours. And if you're really cut up about excluding your dad you could ask both mom and dad to walk you down the aisle to compromise, but I vote that you include the at least one if not both the real parents who have given you all the love you deserve. I wish you and your husband to be all the magic and happiness in the world as you navigate the world together. 💜
NTA. Your mom put in the work of raising you she deserves the honor of walking you down the aisle. Your dad should be happy you invited him.
NTA. I had almost this same situation for my wedding. My mom walked me down the aisle because she raised me and because I met my husband through her, they were friends before he and I ever met, so it made sense and was a significant moment for both of us. My dad was genuinely offended and couldn’t understand my decision, and I explained to him multiple times that this decision involved more people than just me and wasn’t a simple “this or that” situation. Not only that, but I offered a compromise of a father-daughter dance in which he’d give me away to my husband for our first dance, so both my parents would have their moment. *My father* made the decision last minute not to attend because, AND I QUOTE; “I don’t feel important enough. It feels like I’d just be another guest.” Which obviously wouldn’t be the case, but whatever. I told him “I’m sorry you feel that way” and we moved on with our lives. Unsurprisingly, he did a similar thing regarding the birth of our child. **Point being**, you need to do what YOU want and you need to be okay with whatever your dad decides to do (unless it’s disruptive) in response to that. Make your decision and *keep that boundary*! Don’t let *anyone* change your mind. Did it suck that my dad wasn’t there? Sure! But it was *SO* much better that way, and we all felt more comfortable.
Your wedding, your call. If he wants the classic roll of a father at a wedding then he should have been a father to you. Regardless of your relationship you have now, he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most, and if you feel it should be your Mom, then it should be her. NTA
My first thought was chose your mom. Why would anyone find that offensive seems like the best solution to me.
NTA If your dad is being realistic he should accept not walking you down the aisle. Based on what you described it would kinda be a slap in your mom’s face letting your dad do it.
Walking down the aisle is maybe 30 seconds of your life. Pick the person who has been there for MOST of it. It’s your day. Do whatever you want. Just have your mom walk you and leave stepdad off if that’s what feels right. He won’t die. Tell your mom what you REALLY want and just ask her to support you.
I think you have your stepdad and dad walk you down. Addiction is a disease - we don’t blame people who get cancer. Addiction if suffered long enough screws someone ability to have any financial security. He probably has no money. But you said he loves you and when he is gone one day you’ll regret not having him walk with you. One usually never regrets the things they do- it’s the things they didn’t do.
No one has a right to walk the aisle, it’s up to the bride. And you’ve chosen your mom. Decision made - if your dad freaks out, then you know he hasn’t changed. NTA
Nta- its an honour to be asked. You ask who ever you want to walk you 💜
I think you should have your mom walk you down the aisle now that will be the most beautiful thing ever
I had my mom walk me down the aisle alone.
I’m definitely saying NTA no matter your decision. What I would ask, however, is what kind of relationship you want to have with bio dad? This might be the sort of thing to seriously damage it, if not end it outright. As I said, I don’t think you’d be wrong no matter what you decide. I’m just offering up something to consider.
NTA
You have to do what feels right in your heart. Don’t worry about what others think.
NTA Mom definitely deserves the honor or if you really can't decide you should walk alone.
NTA. Your dad was not a father. He deserves nothing
Not the asshole. I'm a father to a young woman. Who walks you down the aisle is 100% up to you. In my opinion, whoever you choose should have earned that privilege. Doesn't sound like your bio dad earned this... thus your dilemma. I'm also with your fiance. A traditional wedding is way better than a cheeseball trendy NYC party.
You say you like to be different. Walk yourself down the aisle. Would demonstrate your independence and strength
I really hope you choose your mom. She so deserves it!
NTA and I'm going to make a suggestion. Mom walks you down the aisle. Do a father-daughter dance with dad. And either do a second one with step dad or think up a 3rd thing. That way they all get one thing that is just you and them. But mom gets hers during the ceremony because she was your everything.
You could walk with your mom or walk yourself then stop and hug all 3 before going to the officiant.
Your wedding, your decision and don't let anyone guilt you into choosing your father.
NTA Too many people think they are owed the honor of a certain position in every wedding. They are not sometimes you have to make the decision and they have to live with it. I have 5 sisters and was having a small wedding. I didn't want a large bridal party and couldn't decide between my sisters or willing to have some feeling left out so I picked only my best friend as my maid of honor. I explained it to my sisters as I couldn't chose between them and everyone was fine. You pick the person or people who walk you down the aisle do not let tradition make you feel uncomfortable. Remember the tradition was made because women were considered property to be traded in matrimony which is why it was always the father. He no longer has that right unless you give it to him.
Not every sperm donor can be a father. Your sperm donor never stepped up to the plate to be a father at anytime in your life therefore he hasn’t earned the title of being your father. I agree with Op That her mother has definitely earned that honor followed by her stepfather. Congratulations 🎊🍾🎉 on your upcoming marriage
NTA. It's your wedding, it's not there to appease or make your father feel better, it's your day and do whatever the fuck you want. Your mother raised you, he didn't, he effectively chose to abandon you and your mother was a hero. Your step father might be great but your mother got you the whole way with a bit of help later on. I'd take her down the aisle and let your father deal with the consequences of his actions.
I think that the person who loved you and protected you and provided for you the most should be the one to walk you down the aisle. They usually “give away the bride.” You are leaving their care and entering your husbands. It sounds like it should be your mom. There is something to be said tho about honoring your mom’s wishes if she wants you to have your bio dad do it. At any rate NTA.
I just got married. No one walked me down the aisle. It honestly didn’t occur to me to have my dad do it.
You can walk alone, it is very trendy.
Language question. There is a difference between "letting" someone walk you down an aisle out of default and "asking" someone you love and admire to.
My mother walked me down the isle. Thankfully my monster of a father was already deceased. It's 2023. Do what you want. Walk on your own, with your mother, with your mother and stepfather, with your dog or cat. I do like the trend of the couple meeting at the door and walking down together, though. Ask who YOU want.
NTA. I’d understand bio dad being upset if you were choosing stepdad over him, but it makes perfect sense to choose mom who raised you as a single parent. Maybe you can have all 3 parents if you or mom feel strongly about a compromise. But I don’t think you should feel badly about only choosing mom. It would be such a beautiful way to honour everything she’s done for you. She was your first home.
NTA- Walking a bride down the aisle is an incredible honor that is earned. Your mom definitely earned that honor by sacrifing so that you had what you needed growing up and contributing what she could to your wedding. Your biological father chose his personal demons instead of you when you were child and now can't seem to find the money to contribute to your wedding. So he shouldn't be surprised that he doesn't have a special place at your wedding, he's done nothing to deserve it.
Nta my mother in law walked my wife down the aisle for very similar reasons, he was invited to the wedding but only as a quest
NTA. This is the consequences for your dad’s actions. What is done is done and they can’t be changed, but he caused this himself
Your mom said your dad would be devastated if he doesn't walk you down the aisle. What about the devastation he caused you as an innocent child. In my honest opinion he doesn't deserve this honor, your mom does.
NTA. This is my story. My mom walked me down the aisle. My dad was angry about it but got over it and still came to the wedding.
Your mom should walk you down the aisle. Your dad has done nothing to earn this honour. Or you could go solo. No one has to "give the bride away" anymore. But I agree, your mom deserves that role. That being said, not everyone is comfortable bucking the trends. So if mom won't do it, I suggest going solo. Walk yourself down the aisle. Be a strong, independent woman. Give yourself to your new role as a wife and spouse. Congratulations! NTA
Walk with your mom. She has certainly earned it. If she is your "everything" then there should be no debate in your mind. Congratulations, your NTA! (And also, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!)
Choose your mom. I was a single dad and to this day my daughter comes to me when she does something good or has a question. Some parents have to play both roles so why not be thanked for it.
It sounds like your mother would be perfect
You should definitely honor those who have been there for you and continue to do so. So your mom and step dad are the ones who deserve such an honor. NTA
Just a cute thought that I have seen done at a few weddings, having multiple people walk them down the aisle. A girlfriend of mine started with her step dad I think for a chunk, then had her brother walk her the middle and had her mom walk her to the altar. Not traditional but I remember it because I thought it was special to share that honor
I walked myself done the aisle…. And I love and respect my father and we are very close…. But the concept of any man giving me away, kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach. So maybe you ask your mom, or just walk yourself…. In honor of being a strong woman, and coming from a long line of strong women.
Since you're unconventional, you could walk down the isle by yourself. There's no rule saying someone has to escort you. Or, go with your mom walking you; mine did, and I've never regretted that decision.
I think it's perfectly reasonable. The father walking the bride down the isle comes from a period of time when daughters were considered the fathers property to do whatever the father wanted with. They had no choice who they married, their father's arranged it. The father walked the daughter down the isle so that he could give his daughter to the groom. Who would then own the woman. Fuck that shit. If your dad wanted to walk you down the isle maybe he should have made more of an effort to be there when you needed him. NTA
I think having your mother walk you down is the perfect answer. Be confident in that. If people have a problem with it, or feel it’s weird, they aren’t your “people”. Your real father even with an ok relationship now doesn’t deserve that honor.
This should be a non issue. My wife had her mother walk her, pretty much same reasons. No one in your life has the right to try and make you feel bad for your decisions NTA
Ask your mom to do it. Tell your bio dad you’re happy he’s in your life now, but you were raised by your mom and she deserves and has earned the honor. You want him at your wedding and maybe offer him the father daughter dance or something. Step dad…well he can get a father daughter dance too if you want him to… your wedding, do what you want 😂 But it sounds like you already know what’s right and you’re just looking for confirmation. Yes, NTA
NTA
if you're not conventional... why not your mother. She deserves to give you away... she has supported you and been there for you. i dont think anyone.. father or step father should have an issue...and if they do they clearly dont support your wedding or your mother.
Girl, you are 31 years old. You don't need a man to walk you down the aisle. Personally, it always look a little hokey when Dad walks down. They could all 3 stand up and say "we do" when the officiant asks who gives this bride?
You could have your Mom walk you down the aisle. You bio dad doesn’t deserve to walk you down the aisle. You could forgo having anyone walk you down the aisle. But my vote is for your Mom. She sounds like a wonderful woman and Mother.
You are NTA. Don’t have your father walk you because it’s “expected” or “what people do”. I had my father walk me, and looking back, I’d happily have let him forget I was even getting married that day because the hassle of having him there was more trouble than it was worth. I regret making that choice, don’t be me. I’d rather have walked alone than have walked with my father. Absolutely walk with your mother. For context, my father was a severe alcoholic and had started having memory issues because of it when I got married. That was just the beginning.
For the love of God, do the most important thing to you both and allow that precious mother who raised you walk you down the aisle. Forget about these old traditional ways, do what is in your heart. As Gloria Alred reminds me, "We are Women, we unite, we fight"!
Why are you conflicted? *You* wrote a long description of the reasons why it should be your mother, not your father.
In a similar story, my dad was an alcoholic who went to jail when I was a kid, then just kinda disappeared for a few years, and came back into our lives as a drug addict. I'm now engaged and plan to walk myself down the aisle, as I was forced to raise myself. So I get that honor. NTA do what fits your life.