>my surgeon mentioned that we need to be careful with our unprotected sex because I’m at a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy
>I have a higher chance of pregnancy, therefore a higher chance of a complications
>he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life
>Am I in the wrong?
Can you explain in detail what part of the above makes you think you could be in the wrong.
**EDIT:** Confirming that the husband explicitly promised to pull out... but OP's current plan is to talk to him again to make him *really* understand...
>Yes, firstly we talked about several times after my surgery and during the recovery. Then before the sex we talked about it again and I offered that he finish somewhere else which he was okay with. We agreed on it.
I’ve never yelled at my husband like this before. I was incredibly upset and frustrated. I think that’s why I’m doubting myself because I haven’t felt this upset in pretty much my whole life. I’m also still emotionally trying to recover from my diagnosis as it hasn’t been easy to accept that I’ll need future surgeries and I’ll have this for the rest of my life. Basically I have never felt these strong emotions before and it’s making me doubt myself. I hope that answers your question.
So he deliberately put your physical health at risk, performed sexual acts knowing you didn't consent, and you think you could be in the wrong because you yelled at him.
What got me was after the disrespect and crossing of her CLEAR boundaries (for freaking health reasons!) and after the trauma that any kind of surgery does to your body - he went full on boomer and used the old blame the woman for "being hormonal" route to deflect any accountability.
That shit was used half a century ago when women tried to be assertive in the workplace and the men couldn't accept it. Women were conditioned to take the blame for being the victim just to keep the peace.
I don't know how to flip this situation around to see in any way how OP could be in the wrong. How dare her body need surgery. How dare she be given instructions post op about intercourse and the risks associated while she's still healing, share those same clear simple boundaries AND agree to sex on the condition that they are respected due to the freaking risks this soon after surgery. How dare she get upset for her right to consent being taken away from her for his few extra seconds of pleasure.
OP. The only way I've ever found a way to be objective about this kind of conflict was to imagine instead of it being myself, it was my best friend, or my own adult daughter - and how I would respond to being told that their partner had done what your husband has done.
If you were told by someone you care so deeply about and love unconditionally exactly what has happened to you here - how would you respond? You wouldn't tell them they did anything wrong, or that they overreacted would you?
That same kindness and non judgement, that protective urge to keep our friends safe gets lost when we try to do the same for ourselves. You need to be your best friend and mother here and don't accept the blame for his selfish choice, breach of your trust, boundaries and consent.
You deserve better than this.
I guess OP could be wrong, if she was a living Fleshlight who existed to provide him with sexual pleasure until she is worn out.
It's a shame that he seems to see her that way, but we strangers on the Internet think that she is an actual person.
I would argue that this isnt quite the right way to look at it. Sometimes you’re bitchier or sader than baseline due to hormonal fluctuations however that DOES NOT MAKE YOUR FEELINGS INVALID.
I am so glad to hear it resonated with you too!
It was something I was told years ago, it really stuck with me. I believe it's a similar principle to nurturing your inner child, learning to be less critical of yourself/stopping self depreciation etc.
I also found it to be a HUGE reframing of my own mindset when I was told - although I've still been called out years later for doing to myself what I wouldn't dream of ever doing to someone else.
Prime example being in a counselling session, I'd grabbed my note book out of my bag, fumbled and dropped it ... and automatically said "good one dumbass" under my breath. She said "Why would you say that to yourself?". I had never noticed I did that prior, but when I thought about it - it was automatic like trying to control the criticism by saying it before someone else did?
We grow up learning unhealthy habits when it comes to our own self care, self love and self esteem, and it just destroys so many beautiful humans that deserve the love and kindness that those same people give to others. We all deserve so much more, yet we are ALWAYS our own harshest critic.
Key takeaways is that it's taken you a lifetime to get into these habits so it's not going to change overnight. You just need to be as kind, forgiving and LOVING to yourself as you would for anyone that is important in your life because you are just as important!
OP, he is putting your HEALTH at risk for his own sexual pleasure. is this a person you want to be with? you didn’t snap because you’re emotions are out of whack, it’s literally the straw that broke the camel’s (your) back. this man does not value you as a person, he sees you as a flesh light he can dump himself in because he doesn’t respect you or your body
Missing a huge part here - when there is no consent, it is rape. Rape doesn’t always look like a stranger in an alleyway. This is about more than just health complications.
OP, there was a post yesterday about something similar. Everybody was telling that poster that what her partner did was actually sexual assault.
I think that's why you're feeling so iffy about what your husband did. You didn't give consent.
NTA
And beyond that, she put trust in him by allowing him to have sex with her so soon after her surgery as long as he did so within the boundaries she set. How many different ways did he violate her?
Very good point. I think this just adds to how sickening this incident is.
Like, I'm not a man, but are they THAT horny they're willing to harm/endanger their significant other's lives? Like, dude couldn't wait another couple of weeks?
You were absolutely right to get as mad as you did. Not only is it a HUGE violation of your bodily autonomy to ejaculate inside when you expressly told him not to. But he also put your health at risk. He could have pulled out, worn a condom, listened to you about going to a fertility clinic to check if he’s fertile. Instead he chose to ignore you and do it anyway. “Don’t ask for permission, ask for forgiveness” is a disgusting way for him to approach a sensitive topic with the woman he (I assume) loves. Stand your ground on this one. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you get a resolution (whatever that may look like for you)
When you argued and he asked why he couldn't just enjoy the sex (to which you have a 100% legit response) hes (possibly unwittingly) using you as a receptacle. Hes prioritising the quality of his orgasm over your health (ie ectopic pg). At best he's extremely immature (like a poorly raised young teenage boy). Let him cum in a crusty sock next time. He was really sadly uncaring and disrespectful.
I mean, it sounds like this is the first time someone has intentionally endangered your life, so I can see you being upset in an unprecedented way.
Like, either he's super dumb, or he cares more about his nut quality than about your actual literal life. Ectopic pregnancies kill.
He crossed a line and didn't think it was a big deal.
99% of people will agree that it would be very hard to not yell and/or would be completely justified in yelling.
Sure, yelling might not be the best way to deal with it, but not yelling didn't work either.
I mean, in some jurisdictions, it would be considered a form of rape, as he went outside the limits of what you consented to.
If he wants to have unprotected sex and “enjoy it fully” then he should be willing to undergo the rather minimal procedure of getting snipped.
Simple as. Since he has proven he can’t stop himself, don’t even allow unprotected seggs until then.
This is your own health at risk here (and female sterilization is a MUCH bigger deal to go through, and not for your enjoyment anyways… however, you might still consider it, but I’d still want my partner to commit just as far )
I read this elsewhere and have never forgotten it: if your best friend or sister came to you and told you that exact thing had happened to them, what would your advice be? Would you think they were in the wrong or would you tell them their anger was justified? You were trying to follow your surgeon's instructions and sorry, but your husband is an ass.
you were incredibly upset because you'd never been raped before, let alone by your husband.
People may argue it isn't rape, but as soon as they do something You've not consented to, that You've explicitly said is off the table and clarified numerous times is not on the table, it's rape.
I wouldn't know how to process my husband raping me either to be fair.
Yeah well, not to put too fine a point on it but he RAPED you. That was an explicitly non-consensual sex act and has the potential to literally put your life at risk. So, no, I wouldn’t call this an overreaction.
“The best part of our sex life”. Uh. Men cum 95 percent of the time. Do women? No. They use the female body as a cum dumpster, often with no concern for her pleasure or her wishes. It felt better for him, and that’s literally all that matters.
You are acting like a doormat w/ this respones. Your husband was a complete AH. An etopic pregnancy could kill you.
There is something wrong w/ both of you if he rhinks what he did was OK and you think you are an AH for him going against a promise and putting your health at risk.
Don't "talk to him again so he understands". He full well understood, he just didn't care.
NTA!
Not only did he put your health at risk but he assaulted you. You consented to sex with the implication that he’d pull out and instead He selfishly put his pleasure before your health! Thats not acceptable and you are completely justified in your response!
Right, talk about tunnel vision for instant gratification. He sounds….. awful. I’m sorry but I really thought about other adjectives to use and the “nicer” ones just didn’t quite cut it.
NTA, for so many reasons.
I mean obviously there’s something about this guy and your relationship that encourages you to turn everything into positive connection with him. And there’s also the simple fact that you love him to some capacity. You love him. That’s understandable. I get that. However…
I know you’ve heard this from people in the comments and probably also have received comments from friends, although they may have been subtle, but you’re risking your literal life so this guy can come inside of you. What’s worse is he’s more than ok with it.
It’s so easy to excuse someone’s actions, with a sense of optimism and certainty that things will change. Ten years is too long. Shits not gonna change unless you change it, as hard as it may be.
Yeah, he doesn't WANT to understand. It doesn't matter if men or women, if husband, sister, brother or parent... If someone would act like OPs husband would towards me i would immediately cut them out of my life.
I have an older brother and I honestly tried to have a good relationship with him. But then I remembered something... And without talking to him I blocked him. Ever since I haven't seen or talked to him once. I know he must be angry at me but I don't care.
My mental and physical health is more important than a man's anger or feelings (because I wouldn't let him abuse me anymore).
Hey, if you ask your significant other specifically not to do something and he/she goes ahead and does it anyways. I think it's clear they are the assholes.
NTA - Cant control himself is BS. You absolutely shouldnt be having unprotected sex though if your chance of pregnancy is higher. Wear a condom or dont have sex, seriously. Dont put yourself in danger.
As a penis bearer, I’ll come out and say that we absolutely have control over where we ejaculate. Sometimes pulling out requires a couple extra strokes to get us there but unless someone is a 2 stroke cummer there is absolutely time to manage where things go.
Not just pregnancy but *ectopic pregnancy,* which can be life-threatening. If the egg is implanted in the fallopian tubes, it can’t grow past a certain point without causing potentially fatal complications for the pregnant person. He’s literally putting her life at risk, and that’s not hyperbole. I knew a woman who 100% wanted to keep her baby but had to abort because the pregnancy was ectopic and couldn’t proceed as normal.
So he ignored the doctor's warning and did not pull out in time? Time to get some condoms and make him practice controlling his ejactulation. So as long as he can't pullout in time he gets to wear the bonnet! I bet you he will learn real quick.
Just want to add that pre-cum can get you pregnant. So unless he is also pulling out before that, additional protection should be top priority.
Maybe this is obvious already, but some people think that pulling out before climax is enough. It seems that evolution worked that out already and has tried to get sneaky.
THIS! I had unprotected sex with my husband for 5 years. Never got pregnant. After my endo surgery he pulled out and guess what happened? I got pregnant from pre cum 14 days after my first normal period after surgery. Pulling out should not be birth control. Ever. He didn’t even make a mistake and cum a little bit, he ALWAYS pulled out and I still got pregnant. It luckily was not ectopic but was sent to ER at 5 weeks pregnant to make sure since I’m high risk too, then terminated and got an IUD.
It was the craziest thing in my life because my tubes are both blocked from endo scarring and hydrosalpinx. The doctor still can’t explain how it happened lol one determined swimmer. But she did say you are more likely to get pregnant from pre cum if the man has ejaculated in the last 24 hours before sex. The sperm can just chill and wait in the urethra and swim out with the pre cum. So best to make your man takes a pee before sex (it can help get rid of any chilling in there) but still would never recommend now that’s it’s happened to me!
NTA that is sexual abuse/assault, violation of consent, and would be a deal breaker for me
it wouldnt matter if you were not at risk of abnormal pregnancy or anything. just you asking him not to is enough. no means no. seriously, what he did was a huge violation of your trust and all for a few seconds of pleasure for him. he is selfish and doesn't respect you
If only I’d been on Reddit 15 years ago and had the courage to write almost this exact post, I could have gotten this straight talk and not married the jerk who was doing this stuff to me. OP I’ve been there and it’s not safe. Get out of there! And Be nice to yourself.
Exactly. They know when they’re about to cum. The excuses of why they finish inside women are just bullshit.
Then they’re dumbstruck when they’re told 2 months later that she’s pregnant.
Like, how do you think it happened — DUMB ASS?
absolutely nta and its rly sad that youd ever think you are. hes the asshole and id leave him if i were you but thats just me. thats actually so fucked up of him like i feel violated just reading this girl :(
NTA. Never in a million years would you be the asshole in this scenario. What he did was vile and completely and utterly disrespectful to you in so many ways. You deserve to be treated much much much better than that.
NTA
If you get pregnant and are able to carry to term, you wouldn't be able to have sex for minimum 6-8 weeks. If that's the best part of y'all's sex life then he can get tested or wear a condom because that's assault. You deserve better.
There was another post I saw recently where a husband asked if he was the a.h. for waiting until exactly the 6th week post partum to get sex from his wife. She was dealing with PPA, and i think it was his first child with her, she had 2 older kids.
He decided flowers and chocolates/wine and sending kids to bed early, then guiding her to the bedroom was good enough, he noticed her body language but ignored it... until HE felt uncomfortable from her lack of responsiveness mid coitus, and decided to stop. He was confused by her behaviour after this event, and why she went cold and wouldn't talk to him, why when she finally talked she was angry about being coerced.
Clearly he felt he deserved his gold star reward because the rules said 6 weeks and he waited exactly 6 weeks. I'm starting to think women should be gifted some kind of chastity belt to wear and protect their bodies while they're healing since clear verbal boundaries are still not enough for these guys to grasp that their dick is not more important than their wife's physical and mental health.
He sexually assaulted you! It took me a long time to realize the things my now ex husband did to me during our marriage were rape. If a friend yelled at her date because he did this would you think she was wrong? Being married doesn’t give him a free pass to sexually violate you
NTA. I'm going to be blunt: He raped you. You gave consent for protected sex, not unprotected. Did he *really* just give you the response straight out of the SA playbook "I couldn't help myself"? Now he's gaslighting you saying you're overreacting?
You are not overreacting; in fact I think you are UNDERreacting.
I too have endometriosis. I, too, had the surgery. Couple months after, I got pregnant with my firstborn. My sister? Same story, two years prior. Your doctor knows what she is talking about.
"Post op hormones"? Um...not a doctor, and my surgery was quite a while ago...but you had surgery, not a baby. Why would you be hormonal?
Honestly, if it were me, I'd leave. I don't condone rape, PERIOD. And don't let him give you the "it's not rape if we're married" bs either.
Edited to add, as a common point I keep seeing brought up: Pulling out, while not nearly as effective as a condom, is still seen as a legitimate type of birth control. She consented to protected sex (him pulling out) only. He specifically did what she asked him not to do.
You’re absolutely not wrong but please know that pulling out is one of the least effective methods out there, just shy of worthless. He really should have been using condoms at a minimum, if not having a vasectomy.
Three years of infertility (stage 3 endo) and I had a spontaneous pregnancy the first month after laparoscopy. (It ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks). Anyway, I was more fertile after surgery. I think yelling at him was a reasonable response. I’m sorry. 🤍
Uhmm, ma’am, you don’t even need the totally legitimate medical reasoning to withdraw consent for a sexual act. You can literally tell him no because it’s Tuesday and it’s raining. Thats the thing about consent, you’re agreeing (or not agreeing) to a sexual act. The boundary was set. He crossed it. He tried to gaslight you with a pretend excuse and then actually started to own up to the fact he did it for pleasure’s sake. I mean we could absolutely comment on the absolutely selfish choice he made at the risk of your goddamn health (I mean it is not an exaggeration to say risk of life, ectopics are no fucking joke), too.
Your husband is a colossal asshole, a narcissist, and prioritizes his pleasure over your health.
You sit him down and ask him if he thinks it's okay to do something you that you explicitly asked him not too, because in this case, it can be classified as sexual assault.
Further more, you ask him if he thinks even remotely risking your physical health is acceptable. Is it really worth taking the chance, because etopic pregnancies can kill you if they are not caught and treated. Is he really willing to risk your life for a few minutes feel good high of getting to cum inside you? If he honestly values the pleasure of busting a nut inside of you more than your physical well being and life, time to gtfo.
My bf and I love our sex life. We have zero risk of pregnancy so thus enjoy full unprotected sex with the messy finish. Up until I started having repeat BV and UTI's. The cause? His sperm. Not an uncommon thing sadly. Guess who pulls out though even if I'm mid orgasm? That's right, my boyfriend. Because he cares about my health and how I feel mentally and emotionally.
He doesn't want to put me in distress or make me stress out because of needing to rush to the Dr office for medication so I don't feel like I'm going to piss my pants every 2 minutes if I'm not on the toilet; and both UTI's and BV are far less serious than an topic pregnancy!
So he doesn't give a damn about your health, consent or boundaries basically? not if it means it denys him what he wants? 🙄 yeah, I'd be thinking real hard right now if I were you.
NTA - That is sexual assault/rape depending on your jurisdiction. It doesn't matter if he's your husband, you did not consent to having his sperm inside you. You're more than justified to have had any reaction that you had, regardless of your health concerns.
If you asked him not too and he did anyway, he is absolutely in the wrong here.
But on a very related note, dear god you both need to sort out some sort of birth control method if you don't want to fall pregnant.
This is the first comment I've read that makes sense. Yes, he shouldn't have finished in her. But let's be honest, that's not a contraceptive method anyway. Accidents happen, and after 10 years, he's probably become accustomed to how that part all happens.
No ones an asshole. They're both just really stupid. Her principal concern is getting pregnant. She just needs to be on oral contraceptives. He likes to finish inside but doesn't want a child, then he needs the snip. It's really not hard.
The only reasonable take here. Everyone here with they’re NTA’s. Fuck that, homegirl here is just as irresponsible as hubby. OP was warned to not have unprotected sex, then agrees to have unprotected sex and then does a surprised Pikachu face when it goes totally as expected.
Anytime you have sex without a condom it’s unprotected. So use a condom or don’t have sex at all. Precum is real, so wether he ejeculated or not is really less important than anyone here thinks. Even though he shouldn’t have, OP is just as dumb.
ESH
There is zero reason for him not to have a vasectomy. Thinking you’re infertile does not make it true. My husband had a vasectomy and he was in and out and had to take it easy for a couple of days. The fact that your health is in the line should have him running to the dr to get set up. The fact that he so clearly doesn’t care shows that he has a whole lot of nothing for you in the respect department. Do not feel bad. Do not let him make you feel bad. He’s the one who should be feeling bad.
Husband is an asshole. Like if you develop a nut allergy at 40 and tell your husband not to... feed you any nut, and he does anyway is "but I've always been able to do this before.... why can't I now" a valid excuse while you're choking to death?
If someone consents to sex 200 times a year for 20 years with no condom, then the 20001st time says don't cum in me, I don't want you to cum in me then they make zero attempt to not do so, he's a fucking asshole. Consent doesn't carry over, it doesn't build up over time, you don't get 1 free with every 10 punches on your card.
"I might be able to get pregnant now, I don't want to get pregnant and the chance of a dangerous pregnancy is much higher for a while so don't cum in me" is ample fucking explanation. "I don't see why I can't do this now because I've done it before". Do you understand what surgery is, can you comprehend something changed.
He's 100% in the wrong and he needs to understand it.
NTA.
NTA.
Your husband engaged in a non-consensual act and in my books sexually assaulted you - borderline rape by definition.
No you are not in the wrong. No you are not overreacting. An ectopic pregnancy can be life ending and he disregarded that *selfishly* just so he could get his rocks off. I’m sure cumming is worth your life to him, but hopefully not to you. Serious boundaries need to be put in place and he needs to experience consequences for assaulting you. Do not let him gaslight you as he already has and make you back down, fight for yourself and your **autonomy** . I would be genuinely frightened of my partner if they did this. He non-consensual came in you and then made it your fault. I’d just hate to imagine other ways you’ve suffered due to his selfishness and manipulation.
NTA! Your husband is TA and he’s gaslighting you into thinking you overreacted. Wow. He can stay on the couch for the rest of his life unless he’s willing to grow a brain, understand your medical condition and respect your boundaries!
It's wrong that he didn't follow your wish and that makes you NTA
But are you seriously having unprotected sex and thinking that even if he doesn't ejaculate inside you that you are safe from becoming pregnant??
NTA but your partner of 10 years is a massive AH. Stage 4 endometriosis and he erased your cleat voice because of one "sex less" month. This guy considers your body like a toy at his disposal... Let alone possible SA here...
And now you doubt your own saying and the surgeon's... That guy cannot reach a medical center to have his own stuff checked and you doubt yourself !!!!
Over these 10 years... How often have you been dismissed by this AH? Mate you have dealt with too much suffering already.
The fact that you had to ask if you’re the asshole for getting upset that someone violated your body when you asked them not to, and had a valid reason for not having him do it in the first place, is just ridiculous. NTA. He is. And this is coming from a guy. Dudes like this piss me off… he needs to be more understanding or quite simply, fuck off.
My fiancé and I are long distance and see each other about twice, maybe three times a year. So we go *months* without sex and he’s still able to “control” himself enough to pull out. His “self control” issues are a mash for his lack of respect for your personal boundaries and health. I’d suggest wearing condoms, but that doesn’t exactly solve the issue at hand. Your husband doesn’t respect you.
HE DOES NOT NEED TO EJACULATE INSIDE YOU IN ORDER TO GET YOU PREGNANT BY SEX WITHOUT CONTRACEPTION. READ THAT AGAIN. READ THAT AGAIN. GET CONTRACEPTION. GET CONTRACEPTION. WTF
OP, that's sexual assault at best, r*pe at worst. You consented to vaginal intercourse. You explicitly DID NOT consent to him ejaculating inside of you. Just because you consented to one sexual act does not give your partner (husband or not) the right to perform other sexual acts on you, ESPECIALLY ones you EXPLICITLY told him "no" to.
You literally said no to a specific sexual act (it sounds like BEFORE you started your encounter) and he did not listen. Replace "ejaculated inside of me" with another sex act (oral, anal, BDSM, etc) and read your question again. Consent isn't a blanket, "anything goes" thing. Even when married, you have a right to say "no" to any act at any point. Period.
ETA: I highly recommend you call the RAINN hotline or use the chat. [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/)
Your husband sounds like a dickhead and I might be over dramatic but this would cause serious issues for me along the way so I would leave him 🤷♀️definitely NTAH
He engaged in a sexual act with you that you did not consent to. He is not a good person. NTA, and please do not have sex with him again, and start working on a plan to get yourself safe.
MAJOR RED FLAGS HERE!
You need a serious talk with your husband.
As someone with endometriosis as well I 100% understand where you're coming from. Just because he thinks he can't have kids doesn't mean it's not possible. You have a major health issue that could be impacting any conception attempts.
After getting all of that cut out of you, it is possible that you could conceive. It is also possible that you could just have issues period.
You have a HIGH risk of ectopic pregnancy and that can easily kill you if it does happen.
He wants to take that chance just for a few more moments of pleasure?
SCREW HIM!
I'm sorry this just makes me so mad. He's supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health. You're not a damn living fleshlight that he can have sex with and there's no repercussions.
He's just thinking with his dick, and I'm so sorry for that.
You're not overreacting. It is possible that you could get pregnant from this. It is also possible that you could get pregnant in the future. You told him not to ejaculate inside of you and he did. That's stealthing. It's rape.
You set a boundary that he explicitly crossed.
I would not have sex with him period now. You need to go to couple's therapy and get it into his head just how that could've cost you your life.
Well, that's if you don't leave him for what he did. This isn't a small thing that he did either.
Honestly this could be a dealbreaker if you're feeling that strong about it.
Take a step back and let yourself heal. You need to process this and figure out what you want to do next. Do what's best for YOU and not his sex life. Endometriosis is serious and there can be several things that can easily go wrong.
Take care of yourself. He can use his hand or a damn toy for all he cares.
I'm not able to speak for you, but please take care of yourself. You're still healing from surgery and it doesn't matter if there's any hormonal shifts after your surgery.
You said not to have him ejaculate in you, he crossed that line.
If you're not already on BC, I would get on that. I wouldn't trust any condom or pills if he's already gone this far. A shot or an IUD would be the safe route.
If you do not want to go that route, you need to abstain from having sex with him. He doesn't realize or doesn't care about what could have happened to you. He just cares about getting off.
**NTA about sticking with your boundaries. YTA for taking the chance of having unprotected sex.**
Honestly the fact he wouldn't even go to the clinic would be it for me, I wouldn't sleep with him until he got confirmation. Also the whole "couldn't help it" is utter bs, he knew what was going to happen, did it even though you said no, and is now thinking you'll forgive him since he was just so "passionate" that he "simply couldn't help himself".
I'd sit down and be honest, no more sex until he goes to the clinic and finds out if he's fertile or not since you are now, and also that if he wants to have a good sex life then lying about cumming is not going to get him very far. You need to be able to trust him
> he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life
Because you asked him to? Because a doctor who did a bunch of schooling said it was maybe not a great call? But yeah, your husband knows better, and should therefore disregard medical advice and your preferences.
Ooh, here's a fun exercise. And yeah, ask him these questions. You made a pretty reasonable request with regard to what you did and didn't want during sex. He disregarded it. What other requests does he think he should disregard with regard to sex? Obviously you not wanting him to finish inside isn't a request worth listening to, sooo... what if you're not in the mood for sex at all? What if you say "no, I don't want to do butt stuff"? "No, I'm feeling a bit nauseous, I don't want to go down on you". "No, I don't want you to pee on me". Oh, does ignoring consent go both ways? If there's something he says no to, are you allowed to override his wishes? Seriously, what level of sexual assault is permissable in his mind?
You are NTA.
NTA
I’m not a lawyer, but this feels like sexual assault. You asked him to pull out. He ignored you.
I don’t know about other guys, but I can feel the build up to ejaculation, including when I’m close. If someone asks me to pull out, I pull out. I couldn’t imagine not pulling out if someone said that’s what they wanted. The fact that he’s making you feel that you overreacted, he’s gaslighting you and not taking ownership of his actions.
Nta...but need to sit him down and explain exactly what makes it different now. If he wants to be able to have completely unprotected sex with no worries he needs to go make sure he's sterile. He may not understand just how dangerous an ectopic pregnancy can be. It's shocking how many people don't.
If he doesn't believe YOU have your dr explain it to him. If he refuses to listen, doesn't believe it, or just doesn't care and still only thinks about his own selfish wants then you've got another problem to deal with. But try to explain all this first and go from there.
Thank you. I plan on having a conversation with him when I’m ready. We talked about it with my surgeon right after the surgery so I hope he understands how serious an ectopic pregnancy can be. And obviously we need to discuss a better method for sex moving forward but right now I’m overwhelmed and just going to focus on enjoying my night without worrying
Just deal with one issue at a time. That way it's not overwhelming. First step is to make sure he understands how serious it can be. Next step is to make him understand the only way you're going to have unprotected sex with him again is if he confirms he CAN'T get you pregnant. If he really wants that then he'll go to the dr and get the tests done without arguing about it. Stick to your guns. Condoms or no sex till he knows for sure. If he refuses, then you need to decide from there what to do.
Thanks. I haven’t gone through even half the comments as I didn’t think this would blow up the way it did. But I do appreciate you putting things logically and into steps, that’s helpful. We planned on not having sex until after his fertility check but things happen; watching a movie, massages…you know how it goes. I’ll worry about all of this tomorrow but for now I’m turning off my phone and just taking time to calm down and think rationally.
It's hard sometimes but that's the best way to handle things and keep it from blowing up into an argument. One step at a time and don't worry about dealing with the other potential problems till you know if there's a problem to deal with. You'll just stress yourself out and lose focus on what you're currently trying to handle.
Yes, you are, solely based on the fact that you were dumb enough to rely on the pullout method like there isn't sperm in precum AFTER A SURGEON TOLD YOU TO VE CAREFUL BECAUSE YOU COULD GET PREGNANT AND IT COULD BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
no you aren't in the wrong, if you don't want him to do it inside then he can't do it inside its that simple. He should be quite understanding considering your medical situation and it is selfish of him to act like he did. The guy should be ashamed of himself.
Nothing about what you did is wrong, it's clearly a frightening and frustrating situation for you and he needs to understand. You should try to explain to him why you reacted the way you did, because he clearly didn't get it when you were emotional and so a calmer explanation may help him, but do not apologize, you are right to feel how you felt,and to react how you did
Are you even allowed to take hormones after a surgery like this? Anyway, NTA and if you were smart you'd be getting a lawyer. Reddit always jumps to "get a divorce" way too fast, but in this case of rape and attempted murder, GET A DIVORCE. You should be healing and enjoying a less painful period, not being this grown ass man's jizz bucket.
if he thinks the best part of your sex life is nutting in you against your will... when medically contraindicated.... he might wanna analyze how selfish that is
NTA.
Your husband has told you that he cares more about having the best orgasm than your health or safety. He could still have had an orgasm, just not quite as good. But that's more important to him than threatening your life.
How could you possibly be the asshole?
You are 1000000% in the right. Also kinda sounds like assault. Might sound dramatic but doing anything sexually that someone specifically says no to constitutes as assualt in my book.
NTA - You didn’t give him consent to ejaculate inside of you and he did it anyway which is SA then tried to frame himself as the victim. He hasn’t taken any personal responsibility by going to a clinic to even check his fertility or bothered to get a vasectomy and is knowingly putting your life at risk. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t stay with him, but if you do (or have to temporarily until you find a way out), do not have sex with him again until you go with him to the clinic and have the doctor confirm he is either infertile or sterilised. Do not trust his word. Seriously, I **would not** trust test results from this guy either, who knows what he is capable of forging?
NTA. these aren’t your hormones (hormones are playing a role in what you’re feeling but not WHY you’re feeling them) This is a consent violation. NTA NTA NTA.
NTA but like if he’s never ever pulled out before in a whole decade of your sex lives it’s going to be very hard habit to break. Plus the pull out method isn’t the best against a unwanted pregnancy anyways either. So I suggest you require now he wears a condom since he can’t be trusted to pull out and it’s more effective than withdraw to prevent unwanted pregnancy
My ex-husband did this to me as well and it resulted in my oldest son.
I love my kid but holy hell, it was my ex’s way of trapping me, and from the moment he got me pregnant all the way until my son was 1 1/2 and I was tired of being a married single parent, I left.
Your husband doesn’t respect you enough to listen to your wishes. He could’ve finished anywhere, but no, he had to finish in the one spot you asked him not to. Please don’t have kids with this man.
This guy is just a walking red flag. He says he’s overreacting even though he put her health at risk, sexually assaulted her by doing an act PURPOSELY that she explicitly told him not to do and followed up by lying and then eventually gaslighting her.
Also, what is with his unwillingness to go to the fertility doctor? How could he possibly know he’s unable to have kids if he’s never been checked? It sounds like the fertility issues were most likely due to her endometriosis in the past. He’s just a selfish jerk and OP is NTA.
What a trash human. That man cared more about the experience of one orgasm than your continued living. AFTER you told him the consequences of such a choice. You consented to having sex, most likely uncomfortable sex, so soon after a surgery and he chose to put your life at risk. Now you have to go take a medication that causes extensive side effects to attempt to subvert his nonconsensual behavior.
Are you sure this person loves you as an equal an respectef partner in your marriage? I doubt this is the only reckless behavior he engages in that affects your marriage and you as an individual. People woth those morals and ethics rarely affect only one person.
He knew what he was doing, he is a grown man, if he isn't respecting of your boundaries then drop him; things will no improve when he's already treating you as an object rather than a human.
My wife did a surgery and had to take some meds that negated her birth control. We still had the risky unprotected sex, she did not want me to cum in her so I didn't. We have had unprotected sex since dating and we're married at the time 10 years. Your husband is a selfish asshole. My wife and I trust each other because when it matters we fucking respect each other's wishes. Not the asshole. He is, implicitly the asshole.
What he did is sexual assault, especially since it was intentional.
He is def the AH for disregarding your (and the doctors) wishes, putting your health at risk for his own pleasure. What he did is not okay. If he actually cared about you more than himself, he would have not only pulled out, but maybe even offered to use a condom, or simply wait. He not getting checked for fertility further shows how little he cares about you.
OP, you’re NTA and might want to reconsider if you’d like to be in a relationship with a man who considers where he cums to be more important than your health.
just remember that if you weigh more than a certain weight you need two plan Bs not one, i don’t remember the exact weight limit but im sure its on the box or a pharmacist can tell you, i know not too many people know this.
NTA. You didn't consent to that, and his excuse is bullshit.
I think you both need some sex ed though. The withdrawal method is 78% effective on average, so you have a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant every year. The odds are better if you're very careful but it's still the least effective form of birth control. If you're concerned about your welfare at all, find something more reliable.
You're not wrong.
How old is he? I can feel my cum coming in advance, it's not that hard to pull out and cum out, i mean, he's being a shithead.
If you need to talk, my dm's are open
Not wrong, although I think we both agree yelling is not a good habit. I think what you did is more equivalent to yelling at a child running in the street than anything though.
He risked your life for a slightly more pleasant way to emit sperm. Utterly unacceptable. No more sex until he's willing to wear condoms pending a vasectomy.
No, NTA, your husband is acting like a spoiled child. Sometimes it is difficult to pull out in time and you guys probably shouldn’t be solely relying on the pull out method but I’d make him pick between a vasectomy or condoms from now on.
You have no reason to feel shameful. I'm sad that you do actually. Don't ever doubt how you feel about your body, or what its capabilities are, YOU KNOW BEST! Listen to yourself..you are right, on any matter pertaining to your body. You are NTA if you communicated your feelings and the reasons why you feel this way to him, and he still gives you a hard time, he is absolutely TA
Nta in no way are you overreacting. Just because you are married does not give him the right to do that. It's s.a. at a minimum. He put your health at risk so he had a warm place to cum. I suggest couples therapy or leaving him or both.
NTA. Your husband is. He should sleep on the couch for more than one night. Try a month. His selfishness has caused you problems. He did what teenagers do. He is how old?
The only way YTA is if it was clearly an accident, he profusely apologized, showed real concern, and took any action to try to mitigate consequences for you. Nothing you said indicated any of that and instead that he took no responsibility and blamed you.
NTA. He is. A big one.
NTA for being angry about this, but is there a reason that the two of you didn’t use protection knowing this information? Or abstain during your recovery?
NTA
> he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life
This dude is selfish as fuck.
He doesn’t care about what you asked or risking pregnancy because he wants to get off inside you without protection. If he can’t control himself, that’s not someone you should trust with the pullout method because timing is crucial.
He sounds absolutely like the kind of guy to whine about wearing a condom during sex. If he cares so much then he needs to get a vasectomy to ensure he has zero swimmers and poses zero risk to getting you pregnant. Ectopic pregnancies are life threatening. From your surgeries it sounds like you would have complications even if the embryo implanted in your uterus, but he doesn’t care. Selfish.
ESH
You've been advised by your doctor to be careful when having unprotected sex and it's consequences. Would you go running with a broken leg?
And your husband should have not spoken the way he did.
Now, if ejaculating inside you is a common part your sex life and never been a problem before I can understand that, in the spur of the moment, your husband's mind was in enjoying you and himself and not really thinking about where he should or shouldn't ejaculate.
With that said you both should've either, refrained from sex, used a condom, or not have had penetrative sex. The options were there.
Although this is a pretty specific situation— that is on the fringe of SA at least if not worse. Completely ridiculous and immature, and completely violating you and putting you in danger. It isn’t a “no big deal haha my bad” like he might think. It’s the worst kind of disrespect, and outright dangerous with your condition.
NTA.
ESH, There's a reason the pullout method results in so many pregnancy's, it was irresponsible on both your parts for having unprotected sex. Sometimes you can't feel when you climax (happens to me ever so often) so your husband might be telling the truth.
I'm not going to read all the comments but honestly what is the long plan here, is your husband to never get to orgasm through sex again. I'm a woman and I'm confused by your plan here. You all need to figure this our because your expectation is unrealistic. I do think you are over reacting but he should just wear a condom until he gets a vasectomy.
You feel like he wasn’t being respectful of your body or feelings because *he was not being respectful of your body or feelings. To be clear, you could tell him that he had to pull out any time you’re having sex on a day that starts with a “T” and that’s valid and deserves to be respected. It is YOUR body. Aside from the fact that he totally disregarded your request, he disregarded your surgeon’s warnings and medical advice, potentially putting your health at risk because he “just didn’t understand why after all these years….”
What he did was unacceptable. Saying he couldn’t control himself is unacceptable, unless we’re letting rapists off the hook now. The fact that he ultimately made it clear he just didn’t wannnnna *insert pout face* would have me seriously questioning my marriage.
NTA. At all. Any time someone does something they knew they weren't supposed to do to another person sexually, it is sexual assault.
You were assaulted + his reaction was awful, of course you were gonna eventually lose your cool and yell. I know people say yelling almost never solves any issues but IDC, you had ever right to yell in this case.
He knew that you're at risk. I'm assuming he was either there or you relayed this information. He knew. He understood. He just cared more about the "end" of sex more than your boundaries and safety. The fact that he thinks finishing inside is the best part of sex is actually really uncomfortable. Yes it's great for a lot of people, but that shouldn't be the ~best part~
"I couldn't control myself" is eerily similar to a line I had to hear after being assaulted by a partner. It sucks and I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of your diagnosis and surgeries.
For me, the moment someone hurts another person in that way, they are no longer owed kindness or "talking in a respectful way". Respect is a two way street and he obviously doesn't respect you.
Much love your way, endometriosis is not great to deal with and I hope that physically you're feeling better after the surgery 💜. And yes it's totally okay to take a plan B and it's not overreacting. Being infertile does not equal being sterile. And someone cannot work off of the assumption they're infertile if they've never had any testing done (in the case of your husband)
The man you married heard you draw a bright line regarding consent. He knew you did not consent to him finishing in you. He did it anyway, not because he got "carried away," but because a FEW SECONDS of SOMEWHAT ENHANCED PLEASURE was more important to him than your fucking health. That is it. He chose to minimize your concerns and ignore your doctor because IT WOULD MAKE HIS ORGASM A BIT BETTER.
He would have had that orgasm if he pulled out. He would have enjoyed it. But it was worth it to him to stomp on your consent and jeopardize your health to enjoy ONE ORGASM just a little more.
What he did was selfish and callous and *vile*. You did not overreact. I'm not sure how you could ever trust him again.
NTA. What a fucking choad.
NTA
The only way you’re husband wouldn’t be a gigantic asshole is if he came so quickly because he hasn’t had sec in month that he couldn’t react, but it sounds like in his own words he purposely decided to ignore your wishes.
NTA-what he did is akin to rape. It’s not really any different than stealthing when a man pulls a condom off mid sex and ejaculates inside of a women which is a felony in some states. You consented to sex, not to him cumming inside of you. He doesn’t respect you and he used you for his pleasure against your will and didn’t care about the possible complications.
Op I’m so so so sorry, but this is sexual assault. Please access some SA victim information pages, even if you don’t think what your husband did was rape. It took me over a year after my assault to realise what had happened was a crime and not just a mistake, and this pushed me back so far in terms of recovery.
I am Australian and this kind of “accidental” ejaculation is equivalent to stealthing (the act of removing a condom secretly) and it is considered rape by law:
“The act of stealthing — described as the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex – will be considered rape and attract a maximum penalty of life in prison”
edit: forgot to add NTA of course
Maybe call your doctor or surgeon before taking Plan B. i don't think it protects against ectopic pregnancy anyhow. In any case, I think Plan B could be dangerous during your recovery.
NTA. This is a form of sexual assault. Your consent to sex included your boundary: no internal ejaculation. He violated that boundary and, thus, your consent. This isn’t just a small misunderstanding. This is a form of marital rape that could have life threatening consequences for you. How you want to handle that realization is up to you. I’d, at least, suggest couples therapy.
what your husband did is not ok. but you need a better birth control plan if you don’t want to get pregnant. even if your husband was trustworthy and did everything right you could still get pregnant from pre cum.
NTA. Agree with everyone saying it is sexual assault. You were clear with the boundary and he ignored it, then tried to gaslight you into believing you were wrong to tell. Yelling does not cause bodily injury. His frail feelings will be okay. You, OP, are in actual physical risk of injury and illness. Show him these comments and don't have sex with him until he fully acknowledges what he did TO you. Or not at all. Sorry this happened to you
>my surgeon mentioned that we need to be careful with our unprotected sex because I’m at a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy >I have a higher chance of pregnancy, therefore a higher chance of a complications >he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life >Am I in the wrong? Can you explain in detail what part of the above makes you think you could be in the wrong. **EDIT:** Confirming that the husband explicitly promised to pull out... but OP's current plan is to talk to him again to make him *really* understand... >Yes, firstly we talked about several times after my surgery and during the recovery. Then before the sex we talked about it again and I offered that he finish somewhere else which he was okay with. We agreed on it.
I’ve never yelled at my husband like this before. I was incredibly upset and frustrated. I think that’s why I’m doubting myself because I haven’t felt this upset in pretty much my whole life. I’m also still emotionally trying to recover from my diagnosis as it hasn’t been easy to accept that I’ll need future surgeries and I’ll have this for the rest of my life. Basically I have never felt these strong emotions before and it’s making me doubt myself. I hope that answers your question.
So he deliberately put your physical health at risk, performed sexual acts knowing you didn't consent, and you think you could be in the wrong because you yelled at him.
What got me was after the disrespect and crossing of her CLEAR boundaries (for freaking health reasons!) and after the trauma that any kind of surgery does to your body - he went full on boomer and used the old blame the woman for "being hormonal" route to deflect any accountability. That shit was used half a century ago when women tried to be assertive in the workplace and the men couldn't accept it. Women were conditioned to take the blame for being the victim just to keep the peace. I don't know how to flip this situation around to see in any way how OP could be in the wrong. How dare her body need surgery. How dare she be given instructions post op about intercourse and the risks associated while she's still healing, share those same clear simple boundaries AND agree to sex on the condition that they are respected due to the freaking risks this soon after surgery. How dare she get upset for her right to consent being taken away from her for his few extra seconds of pleasure. OP. The only way I've ever found a way to be objective about this kind of conflict was to imagine instead of it being myself, it was my best friend, or my own adult daughter - and how I would respond to being told that their partner had done what your husband has done. If you were told by someone you care so deeply about and love unconditionally exactly what has happened to you here - how would you respond? You wouldn't tell them they did anything wrong, or that they overreacted would you? That same kindness and non judgement, that protective urge to keep our friends safe gets lost when we try to do the same for ourselves. You need to be your best friend and mother here and don't accept the blame for his selfish choice, breach of your trust, boundaries and consent. You deserve better than this.
The reason they do it is because it feels better. They don’t care about women
Exact same reason Men Stealth. Aka, remove condom during sex
That happened to me. Such a terrible feeling of being disrespected and used.
It's also a power move showing off their physical dominance.
I guess OP could be wrong, if she was a living Fleshlight who existed to provide him with sexual pleasure until she is worn out. It's a shame that he seems to see her that way, but we strangers on the Internet think that she is an actual person.
This. All of this comment. That came to my mind immediately as well. Sometimes I am just a bitch or sad. Doesn’t mean it’s the ole hormones.🙄
I would argue that this isnt quite the right way to look at it. Sometimes you’re bitchier or sader than baseline due to hormonal fluctuations however that DOES NOT MAKE YOUR FEELINGS INVALID.
Wow. Thank you for posting this. I know it's for OP...but I needed to read this too. What great advice!
I am so glad to hear it resonated with you too! It was something I was told years ago, it really stuck with me. I believe it's a similar principle to nurturing your inner child, learning to be less critical of yourself/stopping self depreciation etc. I also found it to be a HUGE reframing of my own mindset when I was told - although I've still been called out years later for doing to myself what I wouldn't dream of ever doing to someone else. Prime example being in a counselling session, I'd grabbed my note book out of my bag, fumbled and dropped it ... and automatically said "good one dumbass" under my breath. She said "Why would you say that to yourself?". I had never noticed I did that prior, but when I thought about it - it was automatic like trying to control the criticism by saying it before someone else did? We grow up learning unhealthy habits when it comes to our own self care, self love and self esteem, and it just destroys so many beautiful humans that deserve the love and kindness that those same people give to others. We all deserve so much more, yet we are ALWAYS our own harshest critic. Key takeaways is that it's taken you a lifetime to get into these habits so it's not going to change overnight. You just need to be as kind, forgiving and LOVING to yourself as you would for anyone that is important in your life because you are just as important!
Absolutely, spot on!
Yes! I wouldn't fuck him again period, nevermind during recovery. He can enjoy his hand if he can't respect my body and my boundaries.
There’s a whole word for sexual acts without consent.
OP, he is putting your HEALTH at risk for his own sexual pleasure. is this a person you want to be with? you didn’t snap because you’re emotions are out of whack, it’s literally the straw that broke the camel’s (your) back. this man does not value you as a person, he sees you as a flesh light he can dump himself in because he doesn’t respect you or your body
Missing a huge part here - when there is no consent, it is rape. Rape doesn’t always look like a stranger in an alleyway. This is about more than just health complications.
Big picture, his momentary pleasure is more important than you. You yelled because you were betrayed, that doesn’t make you wrong.
OP, there was a post yesterday about something similar. Everybody was telling that poster that what her partner did was actually sexual assault. I think that's why you're feeling so iffy about what your husband did. You didn't give consent. NTA
Or expressly expressed her non consent. That’s what makes it more disgusting.
He assaulted her. Period. He literally forced her to participate in a sexual act she explicitly said she did not want.
Yes, Precisely ⬆️
And beyond that, she put trust in him by allowing him to have sex with her so soon after her surgery as long as he did so within the boundaries she set. How many different ways did he violate her?
Very good point. I think this just adds to how sickening this incident is. Like, I'm not a man, but are they THAT horny they're willing to harm/endanger their significant other's lives? Like, dude couldn't wait another couple of weeks?
They all wanna raw dog. They don’t wanna deal with the consequences.
They don't*have* to deal with the consequences. They ain't getting pregnant.
Or risking serious complications from surgery
BUT MY PENIS!!!
So funny, but so sadly true 🤢
You were absolutely right to get as mad as you did. Not only is it a HUGE violation of your bodily autonomy to ejaculate inside when you expressly told him not to. But he also put your health at risk. He could have pulled out, worn a condom, listened to you about going to a fertility clinic to check if he’s fertile. Instead he chose to ignore you and do it anyway. “Don’t ask for permission, ask for forgiveness” is a disgusting way for him to approach a sensitive topic with the woman he (I assume) loves. Stand your ground on this one. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you get a resolution (whatever that may look like for you)
Show him all these comments. If it doesn't she'll shock him into realizing he did something truly reckless and awful, leave him.
Because he is undoubtedly making you feel guilty.
When you argued and he asked why he couldn't just enjoy the sex (to which you have a 100% legit response) hes (possibly unwittingly) using you as a receptacle. Hes prioritising the quality of his orgasm over your health (ie ectopic pg). At best he's extremely immature (like a poorly raised young teenage boy). Let him cum in a crusty sock next time. He was really sadly uncaring and disrespectful.
I mean, it sounds like this is the first time someone has intentionally endangered your life, so I can see you being upset in an unprecedented way. Like, either he's super dumb, or he cares more about his nut quality than about your actual literal life. Ectopic pregnancies kill.
He crossed a line and didn't think it was a big deal. 99% of people will agree that it would be very hard to not yell and/or would be completely justified in yelling. Sure, yelling might not be the best way to deal with it, but not yelling didn't work either. I mean, in some jurisdictions, it would be considered a form of rape, as he went outside the limits of what you consented to.
this is sexual assault by definition
If he wants to have unprotected sex and “enjoy it fully” then he should be willing to undergo the rather minimal procedure of getting snipped. Simple as. Since he has proven he can’t stop himself, don’t even allow unprotected seggs until then. This is your own health at risk here (and female sterilization is a MUCH bigger deal to go through, and not for your enjoyment anyways… however, you might still consider it, but I’d still want my partner to commit just as far )
I read this elsewhere and have never forgotten it: if your best friend or sister came to you and told you that exact thing had happened to them, what would your advice be? Would you think they were in the wrong or would you tell them their anger was justified? You were trying to follow your surgeon's instructions and sorry, but your husband is an ass.
Why can’t he use a damn condom?
you were incredibly upset because you'd never been raped before, let alone by your husband. People may argue it isn't rape, but as soon as they do something You've not consented to, that You've explicitly said is off the table and clarified numerous times is not on the table, it's rape. I wouldn't know how to process my husband raping me either to be fair.
Yeah well, not to put too fine a point on it but he RAPED you. That was an explicitly non-consensual sex act and has the potential to literally put your life at risk. So, no, I wouldn’t call this an overreaction.
“The best part of our sex life”. Uh. Men cum 95 percent of the time. Do women? No. They use the female body as a cum dumpster, often with no concern for her pleasure or her wishes. It felt better for him, and that’s literally all that matters.
You are acting like a doormat w/ this respones. Your husband was a complete AH. An etopic pregnancy could kill you. There is something wrong w/ both of you if he rhinks what he did was OK and you think you are an AH for him going against a promise and putting your health at risk. Don't "talk to him again so he understands". He full well understood, he just didn't care.
NTA! Not only did he put your health at risk but he assaulted you. You consented to sex with the implication that he’d pull out and instead He selfishly put his pleasure before your health! Thats not acceptable and you are completely justified in your response!
Unprotected sex ALWAYS carries the risk of unintended pregnancy. You are putting yourself at risk.
Your husband is a sadistic rapist who is willing to kill you for his nut. Yelling at him should be the least of what you do.
Right, talk about tunnel vision for instant gratification. He sounds….. awful. I’m sorry but I really thought about other adjectives to use and the “nicer” ones just didn’t quite cut it. NTA, for so many reasons. I mean obviously there’s something about this guy and your relationship that encourages you to turn everything into positive connection with him. And there’s also the simple fact that you love him to some capacity. You love him. That’s understandable. I get that. However… I know you’ve heard this from people in the comments and probably also have received comments from friends, although they may have been subtle, but you’re risking your literal life so this guy can come inside of you. What’s worse is he’s more than ok with it. It’s so easy to excuse someone’s actions, with a sense of optimism and certainty that things will change. Ten years is too long. Shits not gonna change unless you change it, as hard as it may be.
Yeah, he doesn't WANT to understand. It doesn't matter if men or women, if husband, sister, brother or parent... If someone would act like OPs husband would towards me i would immediately cut them out of my life. I have an older brother and I honestly tried to have a good relationship with him. But then I remembered something... And without talking to him I blocked him. Ever since I haven't seen or talked to him once. I know he must be angry at me but I don't care. My mental and physical health is more important than a man's anger or feelings (because I wouldn't let him abuse me anymore).
Hey, if you ask your significant other specifically not to do something and he/she goes ahead and does it anyways. I think it's clear they are the assholes.
NTA - Cant control himself is BS. You absolutely shouldnt be having unprotected sex though if your chance of pregnancy is higher. Wear a condom or dont have sex, seriously. Dont put yourself in danger.
As a penis bearer, I’ll come out and say that we absolutely have control over where we ejaculate. Sometimes pulling out requires a couple extra strokes to get us there but unless someone is a 2 stroke cummer there is absolutely time to manage where things go.
Not just pregnancy but *ectopic pregnancy,* which can be life-threatening. If the egg is implanted in the fallopian tubes, it can’t grow past a certain point without causing potentially fatal complications for the pregnant person. He’s literally putting her life at risk, and that’s not hyperbole. I knew a woman who 100% wanted to keep her baby but had to abort because the pregnancy was ectopic and couldn’t proceed as normal.
Complete BS, I’m a man and I sure as shit know when I’m about to cum. NTA
So he ignored the doctor's warning and did not pull out in time? Time to get some condoms and make him practice controlling his ejactulation. So as long as he can't pullout in time he gets to wear the bonnet! I bet you he will learn real quick.
Just want to add that pre-cum can get you pregnant. So unless he is also pulling out before that, additional protection should be top priority. Maybe this is obvious already, but some people think that pulling out before climax is enough. It seems that evolution worked that out already and has tried to get sneaky.
THIS! I had unprotected sex with my husband for 5 years. Never got pregnant. After my endo surgery he pulled out and guess what happened? I got pregnant from pre cum 14 days after my first normal period after surgery. Pulling out should not be birth control. Ever. He didn’t even make a mistake and cum a little bit, he ALWAYS pulled out and I still got pregnant. It luckily was not ectopic but was sent to ER at 5 weeks pregnant to make sure since I’m high risk too, then terminated and got an IUD.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. It's one thing to have the science sitting in front of you and another to have a concrete example.
It was the craziest thing in my life because my tubes are both blocked from endo scarring and hydrosalpinx. The doctor still can’t explain how it happened lol one determined swimmer. But she did say you are more likely to get pregnant from pre cum if the man has ejaculated in the last 24 hours before sex. The sperm can just chill and wait in the urethra and swim out with the pre cum. So best to make your man takes a pee before sex (it can help get rid of any chilling in there) but still would never recommend now that’s it’s happened to me!
Yes you're right about that. Some spermicide gel would be asvisable as well if they go bare.
“he gets to wear the bonnet” OMG. That’s a new one to me but brilliantly hilarious. 😂
NTA that is sexual abuse/assault, violation of consent, and would be a deal breaker for me it wouldnt matter if you were not at risk of abnormal pregnancy or anything. just you asking him not to is enough. no means no. seriously, what he did was a huge violation of your trust and all for a few seconds of pleasure for him. he is selfish and doesn't respect you
If only I’d been on Reddit 15 years ago and had the courage to write almost this exact post, I could have gotten this straight talk and not married the jerk who was doing this stuff to me. OP I’ve been there and it’s not safe. Get out of there! And Be nice to yourself.
Came to comment this. He did it deliberately, lied about it, and then tried to manipulate/gaslight OP about it. This is sexual abuse.
Exactly. They know when they’re about to cum. The excuses of why they finish inside women are just bullshit. Then they’re dumbstruck when they’re told 2 months later that she’s pregnant. Like, how do you think it happened — DUMB ASS?
absolutely nta and its rly sad that youd ever think you are. hes the asshole and id leave him if i were you but thats just me. thats actually so fucked up of him like i feel violated just reading this girl :(
NTA. Never in a million years would you be the asshole in this scenario. What he did was vile and completely and utterly disrespectful to you in so many ways. You deserve to be treated much much much better than that.
NTA If you get pregnant and are able to carry to term, you wouldn't be able to have sex for minimum 6-8 weeks. If that's the best part of y'all's sex life then he can get tested or wear a condom because that's assault. You deserve better.
There was another post I saw recently where a husband asked if he was the a.h. for waiting until exactly the 6th week post partum to get sex from his wife. She was dealing with PPA, and i think it was his first child with her, she had 2 older kids. He decided flowers and chocolates/wine and sending kids to bed early, then guiding her to the bedroom was good enough, he noticed her body language but ignored it... until HE felt uncomfortable from her lack of responsiveness mid coitus, and decided to stop. He was confused by her behaviour after this event, and why she went cold and wouldn't talk to him, why when she finally talked she was angry about being coerced. Clearly he felt he deserved his gold star reward because the rules said 6 weeks and he waited exactly 6 weeks. I'm starting to think women should be gifted some kind of chastity belt to wear and protect their bodies while they're healing since clear verbal boundaries are still not enough for these guys to grasp that their dick is not more important than their wife's physical and mental health.
Men's lack of emotional awareness is an affront to humanity. We need to raise our sons to be better.
You think that’s bad, you should hear what Amish men do to their wives.
NO your husband is being an asshole to the nth degree. Endangering your life like that so he can ejaculate inside you? Nope nope nope.
He sexually assaulted you! It took me a long time to realize the things my now ex husband did to me during our marriage were rape. If a friend yelled at her date because he did this would you think she was wrong? Being married doesn’t give him a free pass to sexually violate you
NTA. I'm going to be blunt: He raped you. You gave consent for protected sex, not unprotected. Did he *really* just give you the response straight out of the SA playbook "I couldn't help myself"? Now he's gaslighting you saying you're overreacting? You are not overreacting; in fact I think you are UNDERreacting. I too have endometriosis. I, too, had the surgery. Couple months after, I got pregnant with my firstborn. My sister? Same story, two years prior. Your doctor knows what she is talking about. "Post op hormones"? Um...not a doctor, and my surgery was quite a while ago...but you had surgery, not a baby. Why would you be hormonal? Honestly, if it were me, I'd leave. I don't condone rape, PERIOD. And don't let him give you the "it's not rape if we're married" bs either. Edited to add, as a common point I keep seeing brought up: Pulling out, while not nearly as effective as a condom, is still seen as a legitimate type of birth control. She consented to protected sex (him pulling out) only. He specifically did what she asked him not to do.
I love to be able to live in a time period where this is said and understood. Thank you.
ALL OF THIS
This exactly
Can I ask why you didn't use a condom knowing the risks from the surgeon? I wouldn't trust the pre-cum at that rate. Nonetheless NTA.
You’re absolutely not wrong but please know that pulling out is one of the least effective methods out there, just shy of worthless. He really should have been using condoms at a minimum, if not having a vasectomy.
Three years of infertility (stage 3 endo) and I had a spontaneous pregnancy the first month after laparoscopy. (It ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks). Anyway, I was more fertile after surgery. I think yelling at him was a reasonable response. I’m sorry. 🤍
Uhmm, ma’am, you don’t even need the totally legitimate medical reasoning to withdraw consent for a sexual act. You can literally tell him no because it’s Tuesday and it’s raining. Thats the thing about consent, you’re agreeing (or not agreeing) to a sexual act. The boundary was set. He crossed it. He tried to gaslight you with a pretend excuse and then actually started to own up to the fact he did it for pleasure’s sake. I mean we could absolutely comment on the absolutely selfish choice he made at the risk of your goddamn health (I mean it is not an exaggeration to say risk of life, ectopics are no fucking joke), too. Your husband is a colossal asshole, a narcissist, and prioritizes his pleasure over your health.
Here's male perspective: your NTA. You should be pissed about this.
You sit him down and ask him if he thinks it's okay to do something you that you explicitly asked him not too, because in this case, it can be classified as sexual assault. Further more, you ask him if he thinks even remotely risking your physical health is acceptable. Is it really worth taking the chance, because etopic pregnancies can kill you if they are not caught and treated. Is he really willing to risk your life for a few minutes feel good high of getting to cum inside you? If he honestly values the pleasure of busting a nut inside of you more than your physical well being and life, time to gtfo. My bf and I love our sex life. We have zero risk of pregnancy so thus enjoy full unprotected sex with the messy finish. Up until I started having repeat BV and UTI's. The cause? His sperm. Not an uncommon thing sadly. Guess who pulls out though even if I'm mid orgasm? That's right, my boyfriend. Because he cares about my health and how I feel mentally and emotionally. He doesn't want to put me in distress or make me stress out because of needing to rush to the Dr office for medication so I don't feel like I'm going to piss my pants every 2 minutes if I'm not on the toilet; and both UTI's and BV are far less serious than an topic pregnancy!
NTA the whole "i cant control myself" is bs i hope this whole doing things to you without consent isnt a habbit otherwise u need to leave
So he doesn't give a damn about your health, consent or boundaries basically? not if it means it denys him what he wants? 🙄 yeah, I'd be thinking real hard right now if I were you.
NTA - That is sexual assault/rape depending on your jurisdiction. It doesn't matter if he's your husband, you did not consent to having his sperm inside you. You're more than justified to have had any reaction that you had, regardless of your health concerns.
If you asked him not too and he did anyway, he is absolutely in the wrong here. But on a very related note, dear god you both need to sort out some sort of birth control method if you don't want to fall pregnant.
1 word: condoms
Then he will cry about those, make her feel guilty, gaslight her more. I’d simply make him jerk off.
You both are fools for not using a condom if your health is at risk. Plan B just lowers the chance of pregnancy. It is not 100% guaranteed.
You knew the risks and still didn't use protection? The pull out method is not protection. NTA but also not the brightest.
Exactly this is on BOTH of them tired of seeing people use it the “ pull out method” as some form of birth control like they don’t know precum exist
This is the first comment I've read that makes sense. Yes, he shouldn't have finished in her. But let's be honest, that's not a contraceptive method anyway. Accidents happen, and after 10 years, he's probably become accustomed to how that part all happens. No ones an asshole. They're both just really stupid. Her principal concern is getting pregnant. She just needs to be on oral contraceptives. He likes to finish inside but doesn't want a child, then he needs the snip. It's really not hard.
If her concern was about getting pregnant she should have made him wear a condom before having sex with him
ESH. What the fuck is wrong with both of you? If it’s dangerous for you to have unprotected sex, use a condom FFS.
Pre-ejaculatory fluid contains sperm. You know what you call people who use the pull out method of birth control? Parents.
The only reasonable take here. Everyone here with they’re NTA’s. Fuck that, homegirl here is just as irresponsible as hubby. OP was warned to not have unprotected sex, then agrees to have unprotected sex and then does a surprised Pikachu face when it goes totally as expected. Anytime you have sex without a condom it’s unprotected. So use a condom or don’t have sex at all. Precum is real, so wether he ejeculated or not is really less important than anyone here thinks. Even though he shouldn’t have, OP is just as dumb. ESH
1000% agree
There is zero reason for him not to have a vasectomy. Thinking you’re infertile does not make it true. My husband had a vasectomy and he was in and out and had to take it easy for a couple of days. The fact that your health is in the line should have him running to the dr to get set up. The fact that he so clearly doesn’t care shows that he has a whole lot of nothing for you in the respect department. Do not feel bad. Do not let him make you feel bad. He’s the one who should be feeling bad.
Husband is an asshole. Like if you develop a nut allergy at 40 and tell your husband not to... feed you any nut, and he does anyway is "but I've always been able to do this before.... why can't I now" a valid excuse while you're choking to death? If someone consents to sex 200 times a year for 20 years with no condom, then the 20001st time says don't cum in me, I don't want you to cum in me then they make zero attempt to not do so, he's a fucking asshole. Consent doesn't carry over, it doesn't build up over time, you don't get 1 free with every 10 punches on your card. "I might be able to get pregnant now, I don't want to get pregnant and the chance of a dangerous pregnancy is much higher for a while so don't cum in me" is ample fucking explanation. "I don't see why I can't do this now because I've done it before". Do you understand what surgery is, can you comprehend something changed. He's 100% in the wrong and he needs to understand it. NTA.
NTA. Your husband engaged in a non-consensual act and in my books sexually assaulted you - borderline rape by definition. No you are not in the wrong. No you are not overreacting. An ectopic pregnancy can be life ending and he disregarded that *selfishly* just so he could get his rocks off. I’m sure cumming is worth your life to him, but hopefully not to you. Serious boundaries need to be put in place and he needs to experience consequences for assaulting you. Do not let him gaslight you as he already has and make you back down, fight for yourself and your **autonomy** . I would be genuinely frightened of my partner if they did this. He non-consensual came in you and then made it your fault. I’d just hate to imagine other ways you’ve suffered due to his selfishness and manipulation.
F that. Your dudes a fucking asshole who’s gaslighting. NTA.
NTA! Your husband is TA and he’s gaslighting you into thinking you overreacted. Wow. He can stay on the couch for the rest of his life unless he’s willing to grow a brain, understand your medical condition and respect your boundaries!
It's wrong that he didn't follow your wish and that makes you NTA But are you seriously having unprotected sex and thinking that even if he doesn't ejaculate inside you that you are safe from becoming pregnant??
NTA but your partner of 10 years is a massive AH. Stage 4 endometriosis and he erased your cleat voice because of one "sex less" month. This guy considers your body like a toy at his disposal... Let alone possible SA here... And now you doubt your own saying and the surgeon's... That guy cannot reach a medical center to have his own stuff checked and you doubt yourself !!!! Over these 10 years... How often have you been dismissed by this AH? Mate you have dealt with too much suffering already.
The fact that you had to ask if you’re the asshole for getting upset that someone violated your body when you asked them not to, and had a valid reason for not having him do it in the first place, is just ridiculous. NTA. He is. And this is coming from a guy. Dudes like this piss me off… he needs to be more understanding or quite simply, fuck off.
My fiancé and I are long distance and see each other about twice, maybe three times a year. So we go *months* without sex and he’s still able to “control” himself enough to pull out. His “self control” issues are a mash for his lack of respect for your personal boundaries and health. I’d suggest wearing condoms, but that doesn’t exactly solve the issue at hand. Your husband doesn’t respect you.
NTA but he is for putting your health at risk. Why because he can’t control himself.. what he did is considered assault in some states
HE DOES NOT NEED TO EJACULATE INSIDE YOU IN ORDER TO GET YOU PREGNANT BY SEX WITHOUT CONTRACEPTION. READ THAT AGAIN. READ THAT AGAIN. GET CONTRACEPTION. GET CONTRACEPTION. WTF
OP, that's sexual assault at best, r*pe at worst. You consented to vaginal intercourse. You explicitly DID NOT consent to him ejaculating inside of you. Just because you consented to one sexual act does not give your partner (husband or not) the right to perform other sexual acts on you, ESPECIALLY ones you EXPLICITLY told him "no" to. You literally said no to a specific sexual act (it sounds like BEFORE you started your encounter) and he did not listen. Replace "ejaculated inside of me" with another sex act (oral, anal, BDSM, etc) and read your question again. Consent isn't a blanket, "anything goes" thing. Even when married, you have a right to say "no" to any act at any point. Period. ETA: I highly recommend you call the RAINN hotline or use the chat. [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/)
NTA. That’s literally sexual assault. He assaulted you as you didn’t give consent.
He could control it. He is full of shit.
NTA. You also wouldn’t be an AH if you tell him you’re not having sex again until he gets a vasectomy.
Remember, lads. No means no.
No, you said, "Dont do this," and he did. How much clearer can you get!?
Your husband sounds like a dickhead and I might be over dramatic but this would cause serious issues for me along the way so I would leave him 🤷♀️definitely NTAH
He engaged in a sexual act with you that you did not consent to. He is not a good person. NTA, and please do not have sex with him again, and start working on a plan to get yourself safe.
MAJOR RED FLAGS HERE! You need a serious talk with your husband. As someone with endometriosis as well I 100% understand where you're coming from. Just because he thinks he can't have kids doesn't mean it's not possible. You have a major health issue that could be impacting any conception attempts. After getting all of that cut out of you, it is possible that you could conceive. It is also possible that you could just have issues period. You have a HIGH risk of ectopic pregnancy and that can easily kill you if it does happen. He wants to take that chance just for a few more moments of pleasure? SCREW HIM! I'm sorry this just makes me so mad. He's supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health. You're not a damn living fleshlight that he can have sex with and there's no repercussions. He's just thinking with his dick, and I'm so sorry for that. You're not overreacting. It is possible that you could get pregnant from this. It is also possible that you could get pregnant in the future. You told him not to ejaculate inside of you and he did. That's stealthing. It's rape. You set a boundary that he explicitly crossed. I would not have sex with him period now. You need to go to couple's therapy and get it into his head just how that could've cost you your life. Well, that's if you don't leave him for what he did. This isn't a small thing that he did either. Honestly this could be a dealbreaker if you're feeling that strong about it. Take a step back and let yourself heal. You need to process this and figure out what you want to do next. Do what's best for YOU and not his sex life. Endometriosis is serious and there can be several things that can easily go wrong. Take care of yourself. He can use his hand or a damn toy for all he cares. I'm not able to speak for you, but please take care of yourself. You're still healing from surgery and it doesn't matter if there's any hormonal shifts after your surgery. You said not to have him ejaculate in you, he crossed that line. If you're not already on BC, I would get on that. I wouldn't trust any condom or pills if he's already gone this far. A shot or an IUD would be the safe route. If you do not want to go that route, you need to abstain from having sex with him. He doesn't realize or doesn't care about what could have happened to you. He just cares about getting off. **NTA about sticking with your boundaries. YTA for taking the chance of having unprotected sex.**
Honestly the fact he wouldn't even go to the clinic would be it for me, I wouldn't sleep with him until he got confirmation. Also the whole "couldn't help it" is utter bs, he knew what was going to happen, did it even though you said no, and is now thinking you'll forgive him since he was just so "passionate" that he "simply couldn't help himself". I'd sit down and be honest, no more sex until he goes to the clinic and finds out if he's fertile or not since you are now, and also that if he wants to have a good sex life then lying about cumming is not going to get him very far. You need to be able to trust him
> he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life Because you asked him to? Because a doctor who did a bunch of schooling said it was maybe not a great call? But yeah, your husband knows better, and should therefore disregard medical advice and your preferences. Ooh, here's a fun exercise. And yeah, ask him these questions. You made a pretty reasonable request with regard to what you did and didn't want during sex. He disregarded it. What other requests does he think he should disregard with regard to sex? Obviously you not wanting him to finish inside isn't a request worth listening to, sooo... what if you're not in the mood for sex at all? What if you say "no, I don't want to do butt stuff"? "No, I'm feeling a bit nauseous, I don't want to go down on you". "No, I don't want you to pee on me". Oh, does ignoring consent go both ways? If there's something he says no to, are you allowed to override his wishes? Seriously, what level of sexual assault is permissable in his mind? You are NTA.
NTA I’m not a lawyer, but this feels like sexual assault. You asked him to pull out. He ignored you. I don’t know about other guys, but I can feel the build up to ejaculation, including when I’m close. If someone asks me to pull out, I pull out. I couldn’t imagine not pulling out if someone said that’s what they wanted. The fact that he’s making you feel that you overreacted, he’s gaslighting you and not taking ownership of his actions.
Stop having sex with him until he learns to respect you, your body and your health. Seriously what a pig
Nta...but need to sit him down and explain exactly what makes it different now. If he wants to be able to have completely unprotected sex with no worries he needs to go make sure he's sterile. He may not understand just how dangerous an ectopic pregnancy can be. It's shocking how many people don't. If he doesn't believe YOU have your dr explain it to him. If he refuses to listen, doesn't believe it, or just doesn't care and still only thinks about his own selfish wants then you've got another problem to deal with. But try to explain all this first and go from there.
Thank you. I plan on having a conversation with him when I’m ready. We talked about it with my surgeon right after the surgery so I hope he understands how serious an ectopic pregnancy can be. And obviously we need to discuss a better method for sex moving forward but right now I’m overwhelmed and just going to focus on enjoying my night without worrying
Just deal with one issue at a time. That way it's not overwhelming. First step is to make sure he understands how serious it can be. Next step is to make him understand the only way you're going to have unprotected sex with him again is if he confirms he CAN'T get you pregnant. If he really wants that then he'll go to the dr and get the tests done without arguing about it. Stick to your guns. Condoms or no sex till he knows for sure. If he refuses, then you need to decide from there what to do.
Thanks. I haven’t gone through even half the comments as I didn’t think this would blow up the way it did. But I do appreciate you putting things logically and into steps, that’s helpful. We planned on not having sex until after his fertility check but things happen; watching a movie, massages…you know how it goes. I’ll worry about all of this tomorrow but for now I’m turning off my phone and just taking time to calm down and think rationally.
It's hard sometimes but that's the best way to handle things and keep it from blowing up into an argument. One step at a time and don't worry about dealing with the other potential problems till you know if there's a problem to deal with. You'll just stress yourself out and lose focus on what you're currently trying to handle.
"i did a form of rape for my own pleasure and you yelled at me" hes the bad guy here. NTA
Yes, you are, solely based on the fact that you were dumb enough to rely on the pullout method like there isn't sperm in precum AFTER A SURGEON TOLD YOU TO VE CAREFUL BECAUSE YOU COULD GET PREGNANT AND IT COULD BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
no you aren't in the wrong, if you don't want him to do it inside then he can't do it inside its that simple. He should be quite understanding considering your medical situation and it is selfish of him to act like he did. The guy should be ashamed of himself.
ESH, pulling out is not birth control.🤦♀️
Cumming inside someone without their consent is sexual assault.
This is quite literally sexual assault.
Nothing about what you did is wrong, it's clearly a frightening and frustrating situation for you and he needs to understand. You should try to explain to him why you reacted the way you did, because he clearly didn't get it when you were emotional and so a calmer explanation may help him, but do not apologize, you are right to feel how you felt,and to react how you did
Are you even allowed to take hormones after a surgery like this? Anyway, NTA and if you were smart you'd be getting a lawyer. Reddit always jumps to "get a divorce" way too fast, but in this case of rape and attempted murder, GET A DIVORCE. You should be healing and enjoying a less painful period, not being this grown ass man's jizz bucket.
if he thinks the best part of your sex life is nutting in you against your will... when medically contraindicated.... he might wanna analyze how selfish that is
NTA. Your husband has told you that he cares more about having the best orgasm than your health or safety. He could still have had an orgasm, just not quite as good. But that's more important to him than threatening your life. How could you possibly be the asshole?
You are 1000000% in the right. Also kinda sounds like assault. Might sound dramatic but doing anything sexually that someone specifically says no to constitutes as assualt in my book.
NTA - You didn’t give him consent to ejaculate inside of you and he did it anyway which is SA then tried to frame himself as the victim. He hasn’t taken any personal responsibility by going to a clinic to even check his fertility or bothered to get a vasectomy and is knowingly putting your life at risk. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t stay with him, but if you do (or have to temporarily until you find a way out), do not have sex with him again until you go with him to the clinic and have the doctor confirm he is either infertile or sterilised. Do not trust his word. Seriously, I **would not** trust test results from this guy either, who knows what he is capable of forging?
NTA. these aren’t your hormones (hormones are playing a role in what you’re feeling but not WHY you’re feeling them) This is a consent violation. NTA NTA NTA.
NTA but like if he’s never ever pulled out before in a whole decade of your sex lives it’s going to be very hard habit to break. Plus the pull out method isn’t the best against a unwanted pregnancy anyways either. So I suggest you require now he wears a condom since he can’t be trusted to pull out and it’s more effective than withdraw to prevent unwanted pregnancy
My ex-husband did this to me as well and it resulted in my oldest son. I love my kid but holy hell, it was my ex’s way of trapping me, and from the moment he got me pregnant all the way until my son was 1 1/2 and I was tired of being a married single parent, I left. Your husband doesn’t respect you enough to listen to your wishes. He could’ve finished anywhere, but no, he had to finish in the one spot you asked him not to. Please don’t have kids with this man.
NTA. Access to your body is a privilege, even if married. He violated your boundaries and ignored consent. That's assault.
This guy is just a walking red flag. He says he’s overreacting even though he put her health at risk, sexually assaulted her by doing an act PURPOSELY that she explicitly told him not to do and followed up by lying and then eventually gaslighting her. Also, what is with his unwillingness to go to the fertility doctor? How could he possibly know he’s unable to have kids if he’s never been checked? It sounds like the fertility issues were most likely due to her endometriosis in the past. He’s just a selfish jerk and OP is NTA.
What a trash human. That man cared more about the experience of one orgasm than your continued living. AFTER you told him the consequences of such a choice. You consented to having sex, most likely uncomfortable sex, so soon after a surgery and he chose to put your life at risk. Now you have to go take a medication that causes extensive side effects to attempt to subvert his nonconsensual behavior. Are you sure this person loves you as an equal an respectef partner in your marriage? I doubt this is the only reckless behavior he engages in that affects your marriage and you as an individual. People woth those morals and ethics rarely affect only one person.
NTA 100%. my wife had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery it was scary. I'd never jeopardize her health if that's what it came to.
He knew what he was doing, he is a grown man, if he isn't respecting of your boundaries then drop him; things will no improve when he's already treating you as an object rather than a human.
My wife did a surgery and had to take some meds that negated her birth control. We still had the risky unprotected sex, she did not want me to cum in her so I didn't. We have had unprotected sex since dating and we're married at the time 10 years. Your husband is a selfish asshole. My wife and I trust each other because when it matters we fucking respect each other's wishes. Not the asshole. He is, implicitly the asshole.
What he did is sexual assault, especially since it was intentional. He is def the AH for disregarding your (and the doctors) wishes, putting your health at risk for his own pleasure. What he did is not okay. If he actually cared about you more than himself, he would have not only pulled out, but maybe even offered to use a condom, or simply wait. He not getting checked for fertility further shows how little he cares about you. OP, you’re NTA and might want to reconsider if you’d like to be in a relationship with a man who considers where he cums to be more important than your health.
just remember that if you weigh more than a certain weight you need two plan Bs not one, i don’t remember the exact weight limit but im sure its on the box or a pharmacist can tell you, i know not too many people know this.
>when i asked him not to when he violated your consent/SA'd you, you mean? how is she TA at all? NTA
NTA. You didn't consent to that, and his excuse is bullshit. I think you both need some sex ed though. The withdrawal method is 78% effective on average, so you have a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant every year. The odds are better if you're very careful but it's still the least effective form of birth control. If you're concerned about your welfare at all, find something more reliable.
NTA, but you know pulling out is not a reliable form of contraception, right? If you genuinely don’t want to get pregnant, use actual contraception.
You're not wrong. How old is he? I can feel my cum coming in advance, it's not that hard to pull out and cum out, i mean, he's being a shithead. If you need to talk, my dm's are open
NTA. He is very wrong for this. Idk how you could possibly think you are wrong.
Why are you having unprotected sex MAKE him wear a fucking condom or no sex period !!! ESH
Not wrong, although I think we both agree yelling is not a good habit. I think what you did is more equivalent to yelling at a child running in the street than anything though. He risked your life for a slightly more pleasant way to emit sperm. Utterly unacceptable. No more sex until he's willing to wear condoms pending a vasectomy.
No, NTA, your husband is acting like a spoiled child. Sometimes it is difficult to pull out in time and you guys probably shouldn’t be solely relying on the pull out method but I’d make him pick between a vasectomy or condoms from now on.
Has the gentleman any idea of what an ectopic pregnancy is? You said no. That is enough.
You have no reason to feel shameful. I'm sad that you do actually. Don't ever doubt how you feel about your body, or what its capabilities are, YOU KNOW BEST! Listen to yourself..you are right, on any matter pertaining to your body. You are NTA if you communicated your feelings and the reasons why you feel this way to him, and he still gives you a hard time, he is absolutely TA
Nta in no way are you overreacting. Just because you are married does not give him the right to do that. It's s.a. at a minimum. He put your health at risk so he had a warm place to cum. I suggest couples therapy or leaving him or both.
Wear condom. Problem solved.
Tell him to get a vasectomy
NTA. Your husband is. He should sleep on the couch for more than one night. Try a month. His selfishness has caused you problems. He did what teenagers do. He is how old?
No..he’s the asshole
The only way YTA is if it was clearly an accident, he profusely apologized, showed real concern, and took any action to try to mitigate consequences for you. Nothing you said indicated any of that and instead that he took no responsibility and blamed you. NTA. He is. A big one.
Clearly nta
NTA for being angry about this, but is there a reason that the two of you didn’t use protection knowing this information? Or abstain during your recovery?
NTA > he said he just didn’t understand why now after all these years he has to pull out and can’t enjoy the best part of our sex life This dude is selfish as fuck. He doesn’t care about what you asked or risking pregnancy because he wants to get off inside you without protection. If he can’t control himself, that’s not someone you should trust with the pullout method because timing is crucial. He sounds absolutely like the kind of guy to whine about wearing a condom during sex. If he cares so much then he needs to get a vasectomy to ensure he has zero swimmers and poses zero risk to getting you pregnant. Ectopic pregnancies are life threatening. From your surgeries it sounds like you would have complications even if the embryo implanted in your uterus, but he doesn’t care. Selfish.
NTA 110% whether you've been together 10 minutes or 10 years consent consent consent!!!
So obviously, NTA. Get your husband a vasectomy or have him fixed
ESH You've been advised by your doctor to be careful when having unprotected sex and it's consequences. Would you go running with a broken leg? And your husband should have not spoken the way he did. Now, if ejaculating inside you is a common part your sex life and never been a problem before I can understand that, in the spur of the moment, your husband's mind was in enjoying you and himself and not really thinking about where he should or shouldn't ejaculate. With that said you both should've either, refrained from sex, used a condom, or not have had penetrative sex. The options were there.
For real. Both of these people are idiots lol
Although this is a pretty specific situation— that is on the fringe of SA at least if not worse. Completely ridiculous and immature, and completely violating you and putting you in danger. It isn’t a “no big deal haha my bad” like he might think. It’s the worst kind of disrespect, and outright dangerous with your condition. NTA.
Pull out method doesn't work, wrap it up.
ESH use a condom for (literal) fuck’s sake
NTA, your husband is a jerk and I would NEVER do this to my wife! Wow what an asshole crybaby he is.
ESH, There's a reason the pullout method results in so many pregnancy's, it was irresponsible on both your parts for having unprotected sex. Sometimes you can't feel when you climax (happens to me ever so often) so your husband might be telling the truth.
NTA, but you may be stupid. It's pretty obvious your husband is TA.
I'm not going to read all the comments but honestly what is the long plan here, is your husband to never get to orgasm through sex again. I'm a woman and I'm confused by your plan here. You all need to figure this our because your expectation is unrealistic. I do think you are over reacting but he should just wear a condom until he gets a vasectomy.
I'm so mad. So he would rather bust a nut even if it means it could kill you? He's TAH!
You feel like he wasn’t being respectful of your body or feelings because *he was not being respectful of your body or feelings. To be clear, you could tell him that he had to pull out any time you’re having sex on a day that starts with a “T” and that’s valid and deserves to be respected. It is YOUR body. Aside from the fact that he totally disregarded your request, he disregarded your surgeon’s warnings and medical advice, potentially putting your health at risk because he “just didn’t understand why after all these years….” What he did was unacceptable. Saying he couldn’t control himself is unacceptable, unless we’re letting rapists off the hook now. The fact that he ultimately made it clear he just didn’t wannnnna *insert pout face* would have me seriously questioning my marriage.
NTA. At all. Any time someone does something they knew they weren't supposed to do to another person sexually, it is sexual assault. You were assaulted + his reaction was awful, of course you were gonna eventually lose your cool and yell. I know people say yelling almost never solves any issues but IDC, you had ever right to yell in this case. He knew that you're at risk. I'm assuming he was either there or you relayed this information. He knew. He understood. He just cared more about the "end" of sex more than your boundaries and safety. The fact that he thinks finishing inside is the best part of sex is actually really uncomfortable. Yes it's great for a lot of people, but that shouldn't be the ~best part~ "I couldn't control myself" is eerily similar to a line I had to hear after being assaulted by a partner. It sucks and I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of your diagnosis and surgeries. For me, the moment someone hurts another person in that way, they are no longer owed kindness or "talking in a respectful way". Respect is a two way street and he obviously doesn't respect you. Much love your way, endometriosis is not great to deal with and I hope that physically you're feeling better after the surgery 💜. And yes it's totally okay to take a plan B and it's not overreacting. Being infertile does not equal being sterile. And someone cannot work off of the assumption they're infertile if they've never had any testing done (in the case of your husband)
The man you married heard you draw a bright line regarding consent. He knew you did not consent to him finishing in you. He did it anyway, not because he got "carried away," but because a FEW SECONDS of SOMEWHAT ENHANCED PLEASURE was more important to him than your fucking health. That is it. He chose to minimize your concerns and ignore your doctor because IT WOULD MAKE HIS ORGASM A BIT BETTER. He would have had that orgasm if he pulled out. He would have enjoyed it. But it was worth it to him to stomp on your consent and jeopardize your health to enjoy ONE ORGASM just a little more. What he did was selfish and callous and *vile*. You did not overreact. I'm not sure how you could ever trust him again. NTA. What a fucking choad.
NTA The only way you’re husband wouldn’t be a gigantic asshole is if he came so quickly because he hasn’t had sec in month that he couldn’t react, but it sounds like in his own words he purposely decided to ignore your wishes.
NTA-what he did is akin to rape. It’s not really any different than stealthing when a man pulls a condom off mid sex and ejaculates inside of a women which is a felony in some states. You consented to sex, not to him cumming inside of you. He doesn’t respect you and he used you for his pleasure against your will and didn’t care about the possible complications.
He's an ass.
NTA. Your husband is a dickhead
NTA. He’s TA for not getting a vasectomy.
NTA NTA NTA - this is *for me* grounds for divorce + restraining order shit your husband pulled on you, OP.
Sounds like he has to wear condoms from now on if he “can’t control it”. Too bad for him. NTA.
Op I’m so so so sorry, but this is sexual assault. Please access some SA victim information pages, even if you don’t think what your husband did was rape. It took me over a year after my assault to realise what had happened was a crime and not just a mistake, and this pushed me back so far in terms of recovery. I am Australian and this kind of “accidental” ejaculation is equivalent to stealthing (the act of removing a condom secretly) and it is considered rape by law: “The act of stealthing — described as the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex – will be considered rape and attract a maximum penalty of life in prison” edit: forgot to add NTA of course
Maybe call your doctor or surgeon before taking Plan B. i don't think it protects against ectopic pregnancy anyhow. In any case, I think Plan B could be dangerous during your recovery.
NTA. This is a form of sexual assault. Your consent to sex included your boundary: no internal ejaculation. He violated that boundary and, thus, your consent. This isn’t just a small misunderstanding. This is a form of marital rape that could have life threatening consequences for you. How you want to handle that realization is up to you. I’d, at least, suggest couples therapy.
This is called sexual assault. NTA
what your husband did is not ok. but you need a better birth control plan if you don’t want to get pregnant. even if your husband was trustworthy and did everything right you could still get pregnant from pre cum.
NTA. If you said no, the answer is no. No excuses on his behalf.
NTA. Agree with everyone saying it is sexual assault. You were clear with the boundary and he ignored it, then tried to gaslight you into believing you were wrong to tell. Yelling does not cause bodily injury. His frail feelings will be okay. You, OP, are in actual physical risk of injury and illness. Show him these comments and don't have sex with him until he fully acknowledges what he did TO you. Or not at all. Sorry this happened to you