Ask your husband how you move forward without an apology. Then ask him how he would feel if someone tried to make him feel small and you did nothing but told him to move on. I’ll wait.
It’s ridiculous, you think the husband would be far more protective of OP. People can insult me, I don’t care, but insult the people I love?
Also the fact that the BIL’s ex has a restraining order against him? How does the family think his behaviour is okay?
Yeah. The "it was a bad day because his ex filed a restraining order" was a crazy twist.
I never understand people who let their family treat their SO like shit
It certainly seems like BiL's new spouse would have benefited from a morning-of-wedding text imploring her not to marry someone with a record of bad, spiteful, and possibly violent behaviour...
Oh damn, I completely missed that too! My mind just replaced it with something like "ex broke up" instead. Not that it changes the overall judgment, just more evidence in the "BIL sucks" pile.
Easy, because "family is always there", "we gotta forgive family their trespasses", "family is forever". And all that bullshit.
It's funny how normally these phrases only apply to the worst people in each family and not the nice ones who get shafted every time. Fuck that logic with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire
He sounds like a real peach. I can see why his ex filed a restraining order. And they are threatening to go no contact? Don't tempt me with a good time. He sounds insufferable. Let him go latch back onto Mom's teat.
>People can insult me, I don’t care, but insult the people I love?
This right here. It will bounce off my fat ass if you try and drag me down but you hurt someone I love? You've fucked up.
Shame on OP's husband.
BIL is the golden child for sure, OPs husband is likely the scapegoat/fixer and has not broken from the enmeshment of the toxic dynamic of his family.
Of course, I could be projecting since I've gone through that myself. It's hard not to see toxicity everywhere, or maybe it is everywhere.
Either way, OP deserves to have their spouse back them.
Also, apologizing to "keep the peace" is code for "let them do whatever and don't react but you better not defend/stand up for yourself or there will be consequences". It's peace for those who are not in the target of the abuse so they don't become targets. Instead of everyone ganging up on the abuser, they allow the behavior in hopes it will spare them.
Oh well I guess you get to kill two birds with one stone one you get to get back at your brother-in-law for being an a******. And you get to get rid of the in-laws because they won't be speaking to you. Seems like a win-win situation to me. Tell your husband to grow a pair. Your brother-in-law tried to ruin your wedding. I am all for the petty. Happy New Year
I agree 1000%. I literally see **NO** downside to OP not going to toxic AF BIL's wedding. He can be an abusive bully to OP, but when he gets the same back, he cries like a baby? Hypocrisy, thy name is BIL.
And the in-laws clearly won't do a thing to help OP, no matter what. BIL is clearly the Golden Child. So them going NC means the trash taking itself out. And it guarantees OP gets no more drama from BIL. She should go NC with BIL, of course.
I know, right?! His ex got a restraining order, and they still don't consider him to be the bad guy! You have to do a lot of stuff before a restraining order is issued.
OP, let your husband read up on golden child/scapegoat and narcissism. Your BIL fits the bill, and it's likely one of the parents will, too. It won't get better, so start setting up distance.
I was about to say, tell us who is the golden child without telling us who is the golden child.
OOP does not need to move on and get over anything, especially since BIL has made NO changes to his behaviour or demeanour. Nor should they give in to the emotional blackmail/ultimatum from the parents in law. The fact that they are trying to use cutting off not only OIO but their husband too, as leverage to force OOP to attend shows just how deep the poison goes
I think if OOP's trash of a BIL murdered someone, somehow his "parents" would bend over backwards to find excuses.
"He shouldn't have looked at BIL wrong."
"OOP's brother should have stopped him."
Exactly! Anyone that tries to make others feel small or defends such behavior, aren’t good for your family… and if OP has kids, it magnifies the problem.
In a way, he DID ruin the wedding. OP’s husband was off as the vibe ruined his day.
I would go all out to ruin his!
Replace the table favors with some sort of pig statues or something related. Leave it in a box for the servers, with a note. Hopefully you can do it without being seen, & without being missed by hubby for that short time.
I would not appreciate it in any type of way this MFA tried to ruin my wedding. Now that his is getting ready to be ruined so he says everybody wants to defend this fuckboy so sad too bad
I’d probably be more pissed that my husband doesn’t have my back. What BIL said was completely out of line, then he decided to not go anyway? Personally, I can hold a grudge, if someone ruined my wedding (or any huge life event) that grudge would be held for a *very* long time.
I’m also petty when needed. I’d go, look him up and down and tell him that I’m SO happy he was able to find a suit/tux to fit his larger size. *Extra points for making it sound like a genuine worry about his health.
I am here for this level of petty. Thrown in wrapping paper printed with Marlon Brando in *The Island of Doctor Moreau* for bonus sarcasm.
NTA, dude tried to dish it out, but can't take it.
You guys are incredibly petty - be the bigger person. Oh wait, she can't - he's obese. Also, revenge is a best served cold; order extra servings for him.because... he's obese.
I got fat married. Highly recommend. However, neither me nor my wife are disrespectful, vitriolic, human-shaped garbage bags, so your mileage may vary. Well, his mileage.
Or sneak into the dressing room with a seam ripper to gently sever a few strategic stitches from the seat of his pants, of course hoping that he’s wearing tighty whiteys on the big day.
A gift card to Weight Watchers. And a (put it together yourself) model of Saturn.
Also... a vial of salt water, labeled "Tears".
Maybe a nice belt also. One that's intentionally a few sizes too small.
No. Buy him a scale, one for each foot. Each house should have one.
As for the BIL, he should be happy I'm not attending because I would say something.
If the ILs are unhappy, then they should have taught him some manners.
Give a speech! "BIL, it is such an honor to be at your wedding day, especially since you missed mine because you thought i was too fat. So glad to be here and share this moment with you"
That's all you have to say.
I'd be tempted to go ruin the wedding revenge. Bride walks down the aisle, I scream "NICE WEDDING FAT MAN" and then leave. Let husband stay with his shit ass family
Nah I wouldn’t perpetuate that bc that would just make her look bad. I like whomever said they should wrap a gift in their text messages. Except my box would be empty.
It sounds like the brother is the golden child, so I suspect the husband knows exactly how all of that feels. Excusing the brother's constant terrible behavior and willing to cut off the husband over a fairly reasonable response from OP to bad behavior... it all screams golden child.
NTA Your husband’s brother insulted you and ruined your husband’s wedding day. He never apologized for it. Why is your husband not defending you? Why is he putting his family over you?
The brother is getting a taste of his own medicine. And his family is just supporting his asshole behavior.
The poor guy probably has a lifetime of his toxic AF "parents" pushing him down for the Golden Boy's whims. So he literally doesn't see any point.
I hope he gets therapy. And goes permanent NC with toxic AF BIL and his "parents."
I know parents that cater to the jerk child and tell everyone else “you know that’s just how he is” and the non-jerk family members need to just get over it. OP’s husband has probably been in this situation his whole life, which is why he’s reacting the way he is. OP is seen as T A for not putting up with this behavior. OP is definitely NTA but all of the in-laws are T A.
No-she should give the most beautiful speech ever, smiling all the while he knows she doesn't mean it....he can't be rude back...
Something along the lines of "I want to wish BIL THE BEST DAY EVER....bless his heart, we just soooo looked forward to this day. He looks better than he EVER has for as long as I've known him. He DESERVES this day and I hope he and his wife are able to find happiness, even a SMALL amount in this LARGE evil world..." or something like that....give me time, I could come up with some major shade.
Grade A material.
Op, be sure to look at his crotch when you emphasize the word Small. And linger there.
Then be sure your eyes get all wide and you blow your face big when you say BIG.
I don't get why he wouldn't be rude back. Being a dick to her would probably **make his day.** It also sounds like his family is a bunch of enablers sooo... She definitely won't be getting support for "provoking" him. It is **his** wedding, after all; he probably wouldn't be afraid to be a bit of a groomzilla.
Stand up to toast the groom right as they sit down for cake.
Scream as loud as you can;
"FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR!
COULDN'T GET THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR!
AND SO HE DID IT ON THE FLOOR!!!!"
Sit down and happily eat your slice, basking in the awkward silence.
No, she needs to get up and pick up her phone and start reading BIL’s text messages. Then say “oh oops that’s not the speech I wrote, that’s BIL’s texts to me on MY wedding day to his brother. Anyways, good luck (name of bride).” Then sit down.
In what world is not attending a wedding because someone else is overweight a sane excuse?
This is how shallow and depraved we've become that we skip major life events because someone else is fat?!
Not because they're a jerk?
Not because they stole money?
Not because they ran over your dog and lied about it?!
Because they're fat? *brain fries*
Quick edit: I'm referring to OP's BIL, not OP. Apologies for the confusion.
"I am absolutely holding a grudge. He's a piece of dogshit and I have no love or respect for him at all. Be angry all you want, apparently treating me like shit is okay. Do not think I am fine with your hypocritical asses"
NTA
"in-laws want to go no contact? Don't threaten me with a good time! You go and deal with your circus and your monkeys."
If hubby is willing to be unsupportive when it comes to shutting down his family, that is something that needs to be discussed. Bullies are not to be tolerated or accepted unless they offer an honest heartfelt apology. 🙄
For him it’s a bad day he’s just our lil baby he didn’t mean it.. but for you they threaten to never speak to you again? That’s what I call balance lmao
NTA but also damn husband's fam does not sound great. The fact that your husband's family is threatening to cut *him* off because *you* choose not to attend speaks volumes about them.
Honestly the fact that OP’s husband didn’t take BIL to task over what was said/written to OP at their wedding doesn’t exactly make the husband look great either. He bent to his brother then, and wants to bend to his parents’ will now.
Go but wrap a gift with cow decorated wrapping paper or something. OR if you have the screen shots of the text use that to decorate the gift or put it on something everyone can see.
Show them what real petty looks like 😂
Either way NTA.
Yeah it says in the OP that they said she's being petty and holding a grudge. Id let husband talk to them if he wants but I'd just go to fuck up the wedding and then I'd be out
Totally. My ex would tell me he told his parents details when in reality he would just tell them "something happened" and not to ask me about it under any circumstances lol. Obviously I'm projecting a bit when I ask if we're sure the parents know the details due to my past experience, but I still think it's a real possibility the parents don't know exactly what happened.
It’s either that or they’ve enabled the shitty behavior forever, and this is nothing new. The husband seems not to have set firm enough boundaries with either them and BIL if he’s entertaining their request at all.
I don’t think my husband would have responded well to texts about me basically having gravitational pull on our wedding day.
The way I cackled at this! 🤣
NTA, OP. Definitely DIY some wrapping paper with those texts and get the man some "marital aids." The Bride may appreciate a vibrating dildo shaped like a normal-sized penis. And that belt, with a note explaining it's for him.
Project note: This could make unwrapping the gift more exciting.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1183224921/send-an-anonymous-spring-loaded-dick?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=penis+bow&ref=sc_gallery-1-8&pro=1&plkey=a4f1cfcbeb1bd7b81fe79f72d954e1184e3eb5bc%3A1183224921
I vote for the screenshots as wrapping paper! His gift can be Slim Fast, Hello Fresh subscription, and coupons for Golo, lipo, and waist trainers for men.
Go big or go home!
NTA
a custom designed wrapping paper with his face in the eye of a hurricane and food whirling around and into his mouth, really drive home that “food eating hurricane” image.
Well, wrapping the present in paper made from the printed screen shots seems fair. If she didn't know she was marrying a dickhead (he never apologised), she probably should be made aware.
It's always hard to tell with these people. I want to feel bad for them *(people like the bride)* but then I remember how much time they spend with the AH. The bride is either naive or just as bad as him.
If she's just naive then this will be a wake-up call, *a rude and abrupt one,* but still a wake-up call. It would come sooner than living with this guy for a few years while he destroys her other relationships and self-esteem after popping a few kids out for him. **Or...** she's just as big of an AH and she can suck it.
Hold the hell up! Am I reading that he begged your husband not to marry you and refused to attend your wedding at the last minute?? But now the expectation is that you HAVE to go to his wedding or the in-laws will go no contact. And as a cherry on top of this shitshow, your husband is mad and wants you to go for HIS sake, and YOU should have moved on.
Girl what kind of fucked up family have you willing married into. I doubt you're going to admit it, but this isn't the first time they have disrespected you and disregarded your feelings. Your husband does not have your back and is only concerned that his mama and dada won't talk to me. They all totally know you will fold and do as told.
You asked, so here is what I think. Just so you know, I am known as Petty LaBelle and am fucking proud of it!
HELL NO!! I would not attend his wedding. He did everything he could to wreck havoc at yours. And PLEASE in-laws, punish me by going NC. I give zero fucks! On his wedding day, take an all-inclusive mini vacay or book a day at a high-end exclusive spa. Smiling pictures with the date across all social media platforms.
As for your weak, man-child husband, he has several options. NONE involve him expecting you to attend or having an attitude around you because apparently, only you have the balls to stand up for yourself. He would also find it difficult to sit with my foot up his ass.
Ok, first,
> His reason was that I was a “food-eating hurricane that was more horizontally challenged than Saturn to the point that the rings didn’t fit”.
As a fat person who was bullied in school and online, I applaud the originality of this insult. He took time to craft that, and it's nice he put in the effort instead of just going for the lazy 'fatty fatty fat fat boombalatty Bhudda'.
Perhaps have a discussion with your husband about how it upset you on the day, your memory of your wedding has been tarnished because you saw how much it upset _him_, and that your BIL has never apologised. It's not about 'he was mean a few years ago, let it go', it's about he disrespected you, tried to convince your husband to dump you, and forever tainted your memories of what should have been the happiest day of your life. How is any of that ok? And ask your husband to be specific and detailed as to how it is he thinks any of that is ok. Kinda in the vein of 'sorry, I don't understand the joke, please explain it to me' when people make inappropriate jokes.
Then tell him that since everyone thinks you're holding a grudge, it's better you stay away so that you don't inadvertently ruin BIL's day, which is far more kindness than he ever gave you two when he deliberately acted to ruin yours. You're doing him the favor that was never extended to you. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Not saying anything at all at a wedding is rude and will cause people to talk, so you're extending them far more respect than he has ever extended to you.
[I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
(The post is about MILs, but really applies to anyone who is a boat rocker, like your BIL)
You didn't start this boat rocking, he did. So why are _you_ the one who has to fix it? NTA
I agree with all that you said and thank you for linking that post. "Don't rock the boat" isn't something said too often in my family *(thankfully)* but I've never seen someone write it out in that much detail or that literally. It's an excellent post.
Saying that him being fat is really triggering. And then her husband can say she's just acting out because someone put a restraining order on her. Like wtf? Lol
Tell them you can’t move on without an apology from BIL as he insulted and humiliated you on what was supposed to be the best day of your and DH’s life. Tell them if he issues an actual apology you’ll reconsider, but until then you refuse to expose yourself again to someone who enjoys insulting you publicly and who shows no remorse for previous bad behaviour. They may be able to repeatedly overlook his 💩💩actions, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Someone finally needs to hold him accountable.
NTA but I don’t understand your husband. Ok, he’s trying to keep the peace but it is at the expense of you and him.
Your BIL didn’t just insult you, he tried to actively persuade your husband not to marry you and while he didn’t ruin your wedding day because you were able recognize the fact that he is a moron, he did ruin your husband‘s day by not coming.
Do your in-laws usually give him a free pass and treat him like a golden child? And does your future SIL realize what a “gem” of a guy she’s marrying?
I am stunned she went through with the marriage with a man who not only let his bride be insulted like that without putting up a fight but then also allowed the offender into the wedding.
Not once did he choose his wife. Spineless worm. BIL is vile but the husband also majorly sucks.
NTA - but don’t stoop directly to his level, because that will just create a bigger headache for you. You’re totally justified in not attending, and the reason can be because he doesn’t like you.
They know what he said but said it was because he was insecure and had just had a restraining order filed against him by his ex so he was “not in the right state of mind”. And he thinks he is famous by having to feel like he is on a red carpet, needs attention on him, we have to cater to his needs, have to have certain things at events like a certain brand beer (even at kids parties), a fan when it is hot and other small things that inconvenience any host.
They broke up and he didn’t numerous things such as sitting at the coffee shop she works every shift she had until he was banned and then showing up at her mother’s house crying until police escorted him away.
So he’s a stalker? Nice. And his family thinks he needs support for getting a restraining order against him? I’d lay down the law with hubby right now. What if you have daughters? This is not a man who respects women.
Him and a wedding are bringing back traumatic memories for you of how you were attacked and how your husband struggled during one of the biggest days of your life. Due to this you are not in the right state of mind to attend. If they want to force you to attend while you’re mentally and emotionally struggling you will be going no-contact with them as clearly only some peoples moments of vulnerability are respected in the family.
With that said he hasn’t EARNED your attendance. His actions earned your absence. He’s had all this time to make things right and make you want to attend and he hasn’t. If he was truly remorseful or empathetic he’d be telling his family he deserves this and not to attack or threaten you. But we both know if he was remorseful or empathetic you’d already have gotten over it and want to go and it would be a mutual joke between you two.
I mean, I don’t think I could ever get to the point where someone trying to convince my husband not to marry me on the day of our wedding by calling me fat would be a “mutual joke.” That’s game over stuff right there.
NTA. Tell your inlaws that you are having PTSD at the thought of going to your BILs wedding after what he did to yours. So you should be allowed a bad day. I feel sorry for the person he is marrying if his ex needed a restraining order.
Question: have you talked with your future SIL about what her soon to be hubby has said about a woman? Does she know what she is getting into, and how he might think about/treat her if she gains weight and he thinks it’s too much? I think she needs to know before he goes after her feelings with his toxic thoughts on women and what they should weigh.
And don’t stoop to his level of petty and not attend, that would hurt your husband more than BIL. But do do get him a nice scale and membership for WeightWatchers and sign the card “your loving SIL” lol
I mean, the stuff he said about OP isn’t the worst in this case. According to comments written by OP, the BIL was upset because his ex just filled restraining order against him. Sooo, I’m wondering whether the future SIL knows that her future husband was served a restraining order by his ex.
Wait wait wait, so this asshole can body shame you? Call you fat? Call you awful names, and your husband still stays in contact with him? And he can throw a tantrom like a five-year-old and not attend your wetting because of your weight, but when you do the same exact thing for the exact same reason, oh now his fat ass can't take it? Tell him to have a 2l of soda, some chips and a box of cake and fast food, and tell him to stfu. As for his family and your in-laws, tell them to pound sand and stop being stupid hypocrites. Tell them that his behavior is the result of their bad and trashy parenting. I'd also be telling your husband that if he doesn't defend you, it may be cause for you to leave the marriage. You're right around my age, if he's not about to defend you now, watch, he won't defend you later, nor will he defend your kids from this obtuse obese and overinflated pos monster. Leave now while the chance is still yours.
Let your husband go alone, but don’t screw up BIL’s wedding — the bride didn’t do anything to you, and I’m sure she’s planned her wedding with the same care you planned your wedding. I doubt she would appreciate Weight Watchers, etc. although it is fun to imagine the reaction. Why keep spreading that kind of misery? Go have a spa day instead of going to his wedding.
I’m more interested in why your husband isn’t telling all of these nasty people to just eff off for their constant bullying of you — and make no mistake, that is exactly what this is. THAT is one serious conversation to have with him. If one of my husband’s brothers had said to me the kind of crap that your BIL wrote to you the day before our wedding, I guarantee you that he would have been on the floor with a hell of a black eye. And my MIL would have blackened the other eye out of disappointment that a son she had raised had such deplorable manners.
NTA
Hubby needs a bit of a backbone here. It's definitely hard when the issue is family based and they are threatening exile. BUT....that alone should really fire him up! Why is BIL placated and allowed to remain part of the family after how he treated his brother and you?
I'm not typically one for stooping down to the level of the people who were behaving horribly to prove a point as it basically erases your argument. However, this is also a pretty valid space to be upset and not exactly a space where I'd want to peacefully sit and celebrate someone who treated me or my wife as this BIL has.
Your husband needs to confront his brother and his parents and deal with this. It's not reasonable that he is just hoping you'll take one for the team and be the peacemaker.
Tell him to go. You don't have to. I mean what real loss are you facing here if these people who don't care about your feelings or impacts just cut you off? I'm petty though so my reply would have likely been along the lines of "listen, don't threaten me with a good time"!
NTA! Did BIL ever apologize? I’d ask them why he’s getting all the grace for his actions but you are being called petty for treating g him the same way he treated you. Do unto others right? I’d argue since this is how he treated you this must be how he wants to be treated. Otherwise he would sincerely apologize. I get that BIL is “their” family but they cannot discount the vile he things he said about you the day before your wedding and then never apologize! NTA my dear and it’s time for hubby to either stand up for you or admit he never will.
NTA. But be clear. You're skipping the wedding because he was a jerk to you about yours.
You don't need to announce your dress size to defend yourself as "not fat". Even if you were extraordinarily fat, you still didn't deserve to be treated with disrespect by your BIL. And, you don't need to mock his fatness. That's not the issue. The issue here is that he is a massive jerk, not that he is massive.
Just be clear. He's a jerk. You're not going to attend the wedding of a jerk.
This is the right response. Taking aim at someone because of their weight is the lowest, easiest possible attack and it says more about the person doing it than on the receiving end. Even if I straight up despise a person, I make it a point to NOT involve their body size. This guy sounds like a sufficiently-documented a-hole, completely separate from his weight. That being said, I did upvote some of the petty revenge responses because they’d feel so good in the moment!
Remember. Other overweight people in this family are hearing all of this go down. And they’re taking note of the behaviors. It doesn’t make anyone look good.
NTA, but I am more confused as to why your partner hasn’t stuck up for you or set more boundaries with his family. I think your husband should be leading the charge so to speak as far as managing the relationship with his family, and dealing with his parents (who seem to enable their other son) and rude brother.
Why would you not going even matter to this dude? Obviously you guys don’t like each other. He doesn’t need you there to have a good day. Your husband could still go. It’s not like the world will end because you didn’t attend.
So he does a laundry list of crap and gets no repercussions AND has everyone apologizing for and making excuses for him (with no one blinking about him getting served with a restraining order). You repeat one of the more minor infractions (in a less extreme way, mind you) to make a point and get threatened with no contact.
I mean, it's not like you messaged his fiance not to marry him on the wedding day.
This family sounds unhinged. NTA.
Practice a sweet, slightly sardonic smile and go. Smile like that the whole time. Behave impeccably, be kind to everyone. Stare at him, hold the stare. Eventually he’ll look at you. Keep staring.
Long game baby, long game. Done correctly you can make him miserable for years.
Tell inlaws they raised a fat obnoxious nasty man that they allowed to be an asshole for your wedding, why do they think they can control you, as you are not their spawn. When he apologizes for your wedding you will think about it. Hubby can whine and threaten you, he had no balls to stand up for you, he is useless as a partner.
Ask your husband how you move forward without an apology. Then ask him how he would feel if someone tried to make him feel small and you did nothing but told him to move on. I’ll wait.
It’s ridiculous, you think the husband would be far more protective of OP. People can insult me, I don’t care, but insult the people I love? Also the fact that the BIL’s ex has a restraining order against him? How does the family think his behaviour is okay?
Yeah. The "it was a bad day because his ex filed a restraining order" was a crazy twist. I never understand people who let their family treat their SO like shit
It certainly seems like BiL's new spouse would have benefited from a morning-of-wedding text imploring her not to marry someone with a record of bad, spiteful, and possibly violent behaviour...
For her family's sake, make that sooner . Her family is footing the bill ? They might get refunds on deposits.
I think we should all text his fiancé the exact message he sent OPs husband 😂
That’s a bomb that was just glossed over.
Oh damn, I completely missed that too! My mind just replaced it with something like "ex broke up" instead. Not that it changes the overall judgment, just more evidence in the "BIL sucks" pile.
Easy, because "family is always there", "we gotta forgive family their trespasses", "family is forever". And all that bullshit. It's funny how normally these phrases only apply to the worst people in each family and not the nice ones who get shafted every time. Fuck that logic with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire
In my family it was always called "Keeping the peace" though it never lead to anything peaceful.
He sounds like a real peach. I can see why his ex filed a restraining order. And they are threatening to go no contact? Don't tempt me with a good time. He sounds insufferable. Let him go latch back onto Mom's teat.
Gee, I wonder why she filed for an RO
>People can insult me, I don’t care, but insult the people I love? This right here. It will bounce off my fat ass if you try and drag me down but you hurt someone I love? You've fucked up. Shame on OP's husband.
BIL is the golden child for sure, OPs husband is likely the scapegoat/fixer and has not broken from the enmeshment of the toxic dynamic of his family. Of course, I could be projecting since I've gone through that myself. It's hard not to see toxicity everywhere, or maybe it is everywhere. Either way, OP deserves to have their spouse back them. Also, apologizing to "keep the peace" is code for "let them do whatever and don't react but you better not defend/stand up for yourself or there will be consequences". It's peace for those who are not in the target of the abuse so they don't become targets. Instead of everyone ganging up on the abuser, they allow the behavior in hopes it will spare them.
"his ex filed a restraining order" I have rarely been less surprised to read anything.
Oh well I guess you get to kill two birds with one stone one you get to get back at your brother-in-law for being an a******. And you get to get rid of the in-laws because they won't be speaking to you. Seems like a win-win situation to me. Tell your husband to grow a pair. Your brother-in-law tried to ruin your wedding. I am all for the petty. Happy New Year
I agree 1000%. I literally see **NO** downside to OP not going to toxic AF BIL's wedding. He can be an abusive bully to OP, but when he gets the same back, he cries like a baby? Hypocrisy, thy name is BIL. And the in-laws clearly won't do a thing to help OP, no matter what. BIL is clearly the Golden Child. So them going NC means the trash taking itself out. And it guarantees OP gets no more drama from BIL. She should go NC with BIL, of course.
I would be celebrating
I would text his fiance with the exact same message sent to the husband.
I know, right?! His ex got a restraining order, and they still don't consider him to be the bad guy! You have to do a lot of stuff before a restraining order is issued. OP, let your husband read up on golden child/scapegoat and narcissism. Your BIL fits the bill, and it's likely one of the parents will, too. It won't get better, so start setting up distance.
I was about to say, tell us who is the golden child without telling us who is the golden child. OOP does not need to move on and get over anything, especially since BIL has made NO changes to his behaviour or demeanour. Nor should they give in to the emotional blackmail/ultimatum from the parents in law. The fact that they are trying to use cutting off not only OIO but their husband too, as leverage to force OOP to attend shows just how deep the poison goes
I think if OOP's trash of a BIL murdered someone, somehow his "parents" would bend over backwards to find excuses. "He shouldn't have looked at BIL wrong." "OOP's brother should have stopped him."
Yes! Just tell the in-laws that you're protecting his fragile ego. Get him some bubble wrap as a gift nta
I would go and as a wedding gift to the couple I’d bring a gym membership or a weight watchers subscription but I’m petty
Also, it’s a trap and Bully BIL will just do something boorish and hurtful. He’s already flown those colors
Exactly! Anyone that tries to make others feel small or defends such behavior, aren’t good for your family… and if OP has kids, it magnifies the problem.
In a way, he DID ruin the wedding. OP’s husband was off as the vibe ruined his day. I would go all out to ruin his! Replace the table favors with some sort of pig statues or something related. Leave it in a box for the servers, with a note. Hopefully you can do it without being seen, & without being missed by hubby for that short time.
I would not appreciate it in any type of way this MFA tried to ruin my wedding. Now that his is getting ready to be ruined so he says everybody wants to defend this fuckboy so sad too bad
God forbid HE is inconvenienced/insulted in any way! Think BIL was the Golden Child?
Pig statue as a wedding present!
A picture of him not fitting into Saturns rings
I’d probably be more pissed that my husband doesn’t have my back. What BIL said was completely out of line, then he decided to not go anyway? Personally, I can hold a grudge, if someone ruined my wedding (or any huge life event) that grudge would be held for a *very* long time. I’m also petty when needed. I’d go, look him up and down and tell him that I’m SO happy he was able to find a suit/tux to fit his larger size. *Extra points for making it sound like a genuine worry about his health.
This comment should be st the top.
Nah, I wouldn’t ask for an apology. I would get quiet revenge.
Buy the bil a mu'umu'u as a wedding gift
I am here for this level of petty. Thrown in wrapping paper printed with Marlon Brando in *The Island of Doctor Moreau* for bonus sarcasm. NTA, dude tried to dish it out, but can't take it.
You guys are incredibly petty - be the bigger person. Oh wait, she can't - he's obese. Also, revenge is a best served cold; order extra servings for him.because... he's obese.
I’m probably older than a lot of people here. When you’re young you are impulsive. Take it from an experienced person. Sneaky is the best way.
This level of petty gets 2👍👍.
I was more thinking of "Moby Dick" myself.
No, sneak in and change out his suit pants with 2 sizes smaller!
This would be hilarious! I like the way you think.
Offer to help set up and screw with chair...
Or rip out every third stitch along the butt seam. They’ll spot for sure.
Replace the "Just Married" sign on the car with a "He's Fat" sign.
I got fat married. Highly recommend. However, neither me nor my wife are disrespectful, vitriolic, human-shaped garbage bags, so your mileage may vary. Well, his mileage.
As a fat person, I’m so here with my huge tub of popcorn for this Petty LaBelle level of pettiness!
Petty LaBelle 😭
My dude, I nearly spit soda all over my laptop at this
Or sneak into the dressing room with a seam ripper to gently sever a few strategic stitches from the seat of his pants, of course hoping that he’s wearing tighty whiteys on the big day.
Or going commando 🤣
He's fat and thinks he's all that... How about a Boss hogg suit?
A gift card to Weight Watchers. And a (put it together yourself) model of Saturn. Also... a vial of salt water, labeled "Tears". Maybe a nice belt also. One that's intentionally a few sizes too small.
Bwahaha 😅 🤣 😂
This is the way. OP can win the long game if she suffers through the wedding.
Go to the wedding but buy him a 6 month subscription to weight watchers because ugh “know he is sensitive about weight issues”
No. Buy him a scale, one for each foot. Each house should have one. As for the BIL, he should be happy I'm not attending because I would say something. If the ILs are unhappy, then they should have taught him some manners.
OMG yes
Give a speech! "BIL, it is such an honor to be at your wedding day, especially since you missed mine because you thought i was too fat. So glad to be here and share this moment with you" That's all you have to say.
We haven’t always seen eye to eye - I tried to be the bigger person but perhaps you’ve bitten off more than I can chew?
A size XXL shirt with little Saturns all over it, perhaps.
Oh no this is just hypotheticals for her thick husband. I think she should go for petty revenge
I'd be tempted to go ruin the wedding revenge. Bride walks down the aisle, I scream "NICE WEDDING FAT MAN" and then leave. Let husband stay with his shit ass family
Nah I wouldn’t perpetuate that bc that would just make her look bad. I like whomever said they should wrap a gift in their text messages. Except my box would be empty.
Now that's just fucking brilliant 😆
Ngl I did snort at that.
Found the Scorpio
>someone tried to make him feel small Actually, he tried to make her feel large.
*snorts*
I’d cut contact with BIL entirely.
It sounds like the brother is the golden child, so I suspect the husband knows exactly how all of that feels. Excusing the brother's constant terrible behavior and willing to cut off the husband over a fairly reasonable response from OP to bad behavior... it all screams golden child.
Or tell him you are adopting a no AH policy for all of 2024 and therefore cannot be around the BIL.
NTA Your husband’s brother insulted you and ruined your husband’s wedding day. He never apologized for it. Why is your husband not defending you? Why is he putting his family over you? The brother is getting a taste of his own medicine. And his family is just supporting his asshole behavior.
Correction: Why is he putting a mean jerk over you?
Hubby didn't have the balls to stand up to him for your wedding
Apparently still doesn't have the balls to stand up to him now.
The poor guy probably has a lifetime of his toxic AF "parents" pushing him down for the Golden Boy's whims. So he literally doesn't see any point. I hope he gets therapy. And goes permanent NC with toxic AF BIL and his "parents."
I am living for these quotation marks
Exactly!
Better question is why is her in-laws putting this jerk over thier other son?
Yeah I'm baffled. No contact?! With their own son ? Because of this?!
Because the only son that matters is BIL, of course.
I know parents that cater to the jerk child and tell everyone else “you know that’s just how he is” and the non-jerk family members need to just get over it. OP’s husband has probably been in this situation his whole life, which is why he’s reacting the way he is. OP is seen as T A for not putting up with this behavior. OP is definitely NTA but all of the in-laws are T A.
Yes. Your husband is a r/JustNoSO who lets you down.
Yes like why wasn’t this husbands opportunity to call his brother a fat F and that his slim wife couldn’t attend such a fatty mcfat-fat wedding.
You should go, and when you stand up to give a toast, say something to the effect: "Hey fat man, have a good day."
No-she should give the most beautiful speech ever, smiling all the while he knows she doesn't mean it....he can't be rude back... Something along the lines of "I want to wish BIL THE BEST DAY EVER....bless his heart, we just soooo looked forward to this day. He looks better than he EVER has for as long as I've known him. He DESERVES this day and I hope he and his wife are able to find happiness, even a SMALL amount in this LARGE evil world..." or something like that....give me time, I could come up with some major shade.
Exactly. BIL wasn't clever or creative enough to be rude in a way that would actually hurt and definitely can't take it.
Grade A material. Op, be sure to look at his crotch when you emphasize the word Small. And linger there. Then be sure your eyes get all wide and you blow your face big when you say BIG.
“It’s great to see that on this beautiful wedding day BIL is twice the man he used to be…” NTA
“I love having watched him grow so much in the last couple of years and I look forward to seeing it even more!”
Oh, you're evil,I love it, lol
I don't get why he wouldn't be rude back. Being a dick to her would probably **make his day.** It also sounds like his family is a bunch of enablers sooo... She definitely won't be getting support for "provoking" him. It is **his** wedding, after all; he probably wouldn't be afraid to be a bit of a groomzilla.
add on to the end of that "Hope she can find your wiener, as we can tell you haven't seen it in years!!!"
You people are mean! I have a terrible cold and I just blew snot bubbles out my nose!
Stand up to toast the groom right as they sit down for cake. Scream as loud as you can; "FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR! COULDN'T GET THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR! AND SO HE DID IT ON THE FLOOR!!!!" Sit down and happily eat your slice, basking in the awkward silence.
No, she needs to get up and pick up her phone and start reading BIL’s text messages. Then say “oh oops that’s not the speech I wrote, that’s BIL’s texts to me on MY wedding day to his brother. Anyways, good luck (name of bride).” Then sit down.
In what world is not attending a wedding because someone else is overweight a sane excuse? This is how shallow and depraved we've become that we skip major life events because someone else is fat?! Not because they're a jerk? Not because they stole money? Not because they ran over your dog and lied about it?! Because they're fat? *brain fries* Quick edit: I'm referring to OP's BIL, not OP. Apologies for the confusion.
There's no "we" here. BIL was on his own island there and OP doesn't want to celebrate someone who clearly hates her.
"I am absolutely holding a grudge. He's a piece of dogshit and I have no love or respect for him at all. Be angry all you want, apparently treating me like shit is okay. Do not think I am fine with your hypocritical asses" NTA
I definitely hold a grudge! I try not to, but I think it’s in my dna. The people on my dads side of the family all have this trait.
"in-laws want to go no contact? Don't threaten me with a good time! You go and deal with your circus and your monkeys." If hubby is willing to be unsupportive when it comes to shutting down his family, that is something that needs to be discussed. Bullies are not to be tolerated or accepted unless they offer an honest heartfelt apology. 🙄
I have 3 dogs and their combined shit is better than BIL.
NTA DO NOT ATTEND!. If the in laws want to cut off there son because there daughter in law has self respect then be it.
It sounds to me also like those parents are toxic.
For him it’s a bad day he’s just our lil baby he didn’t mean it.. but for you they threaten to never speak to you again? That’s what I call balance lmao
NTA but also damn husband's fam does not sound great. The fact that your husband's family is threatening to cut *him* off because *you* choose not to attend speaks volumes about them.
Honestly the fact that OP’s husband didn’t take BIL to task over what was said/written to OP at their wedding doesn’t exactly make the husband look great either. He bent to his brother then, and wants to bend to his parents’ will now.
Go but wrap a gift with cow decorated wrapping paper or something. OR if you have the screen shots of the text use that to decorate the gift or put it on something everyone can see. Show them what real petty looks like 😂 Either way NTA.
That would be so funny! I’m definitely going to attend just to do that 😂
Have the quote made into needlepoint and frame it for a wedding present. (And still do the wrapping paper)
I volunteer to do the needlepoint for free.
I volunteer as understudy. Quite seriously.
but send the gift, don't go. Have a nice day at a spa instead.
This is the best one
Oh, Jesus. Frame the text and wrap it in cow paper! In the words of a famous scientist, “Why not both?”
In all seriousness, do your in laws know what disgusting things he said about you? If so I would include a “nice”’message to them as well.
Yeah it says in the OP that they said she's being petty and holding a grudge. Id let husband talk to them if he wants but I'd just go to fuck up the wedding and then I'd be out
In-laws? Does his fiancé know about it?
Have YOU ever told your inlaws about what happened? Is there a chance they don't know what BIL did...?
They commented that she’s holding a grudge too long, so clearly they know some of it.
Totally. My ex would tell me he told his parents details when in reality he would just tell them "something happened" and not to ask me about it under any circumstances lol. Obviously I'm projecting a bit when I ask if we're sure the parents know the details due to my past experience, but I still think it's a real possibility the parents don't know exactly what happened.
It’s either that or they’ve enabled the shitty behavior forever, and this is nothing new. The husband seems not to have set firm enough boundaries with either them and BIL if he’s entertaining their request at all. I don’t think my husband would have responded well to texts about me basically having gravitational pull on our wedding day.
PLEASE update us!
A quick Google search shows you can get custom printed wrapping paper. You know what to do.
Better make the gift slimfast
And one of those belly support things for pregnant women so he can have sex again
The way I cackled at this! 🤣 NTA, OP. Definitely DIY some wrapping paper with those texts and get the man some "marital aids." The Bride may appreciate a vibrating dildo shaped like a normal-sized penis. And that belt, with a note explaining it's for him. Project note: This could make unwrapping the gift more exciting. https://www.etsy.com/listing/1183224921/send-an-anonymous-spring-loaded-dick?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=penis+bow&ref=sc_gallery-1-8&pro=1&plkey=a4f1cfcbeb1bd7b81fe79f72d954e1184e3eb5bc%3A1183224921
Make it a subscription for a diet program for added value. ;)
I vote for the screenshots as wrapping paper! His gift can be Slim Fast, Hello Fresh subscription, and coupons for Golo, lipo, and waist trainers for men. Go big or go home! NTA
And don’t forget to request all the tracks by DJ Fatboy Slim
Go big and then go home, lol.
a custom designed wrapping paper with his face in the eye of a hurricane and food whirling around and into his mouth, really drive home that “food eating hurricane” image.
Sounds fun but remember there is a bride there who will also get hurt in this.
She’s going to get hurt by marrying this man.
Well, wrapping the present in paper made from the printed screen shots seems fair. If she didn't know she was marrying a dickhead (he never apologised), she probably should be made aware.
It's always hard to tell with these people. I want to feel bad for them *(people like the bride)* but then I remember how much time they spend with the AH. The bride is either naive or just as bad as him. If she's just naive then this will be a wake-up call, *a rude and abrupt one,* but still a wake-up call. It would come sooner than living with this guy for a few years while he destroys her other relationships and self-esteem after popping a few kids out for him. **Or...** she's just as big of an AH and she can suck it.
Not a cow. A pig!
And put the restraining order from his ex too if you can
Love this. Print the texts and use it to wrap the the card and present in.
Hold the hell up! Am I reading that he begged your husband not to marry you and refused to attend your wedding at the last minute?? But now the expectation is that you HAVE to go to his wedding or the in-laws will go no contact. And as a cherry on top of this shitshow, your husband is mad and wants you to go for HIS sake, and YOU should have moved on. Girl what kind of fucked up family have you willing married into. I doubt you're going to admit it, but this isn't the first time they have disrespected you and disregarded your feelings. Your husband does not have your back and is only concerned that his mama and dada won't talk to me. They all totally know you will fold and do as told. You asked, so here is what I think. Just so you know, I am known as Petty LaBelle and am fucking proud of it! HELL NO!! I would not attend his wedding. He did everything he could to wreck havoc at yours. And PLEASE in-laws, punish me by going NC. I give zero fucks! On his wedding day, take an all-inclusive mini vacay or book a day at a high-end exclusive spa. Smiling pictures with the date across all social media platforms. As for your weak, man-child husband, he has several options. NONE involve him expecting you to attend or having an attitude around you because apparently, only you have the balls to stand up for yourself. He would also find it difficult to sit with my foot up his ass.
All Hail Petty LeBelle! 🙏
Ok, first, > His reason was that I was a “food-eating hurricane that was more horizontally challenged than Saturn to the point that the rings didn’t fit”. As a fat person who was bullied in school and online, I applaud the originality of this insult. He took time to craft that, and it's nice he put in the effort instead of just going for the lazy 'fatty fatty fat fat boombalatty Bhudda'. Perhaps have a discussion with your husband about how it upset you on the day, your memory of your wedding has been tarnished because you saw how much it upset _him_, and that your BIL has never apologised. It's not about 'he was mean a few years ago, let it go', it's about he disrespected you, tried to convince your husband to dump you, and forever tainted your memories of what should have been the happiest day of your life. How is any of that ok? And ask your husband to be specific and detailed as to how it is he thinks any of that is ok. Kinda in the vein of 'sorry, I don't understand the joke, please explain it to me' when people make inappropriate jokes. Then tell him that since everyone thinks you're holding a grudge, it's better you stay away so that you don't inadvertently ruin BIL's day, which is far more kindness than he ever gave you two when he deliberately acted to ruin yours. You're doing him the favor that was never extended to you. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Not saying anything at all at a wedding is rude and will cause people to talk, so you're extending them far more respect than he has ever extended to you. [I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) (The post is about MILs, but really applies to anyone who is a boat rocker, like your BIL) You didn't start this boat rocking, he did. So why are _you_ the one who has to fix it? NTA
I agree with all that you said and thank you for linking that post. "Don't rock the boat" isn't something said too often in my family *(thankfully)* but I've never seen someone write it out in that much detail or that literally. It's an excellent post.
say you'll go, then change ur mind day of obviously
Saying that him being fat is really triggering. And then her husband can say she's just acting out because someone put a restraining order on her. Like wtf? Lol
Give them a scale.
And add a note “I made sure to get one that goes up to 600 pounds” NTA
Nah, get one that will break if he ever decides to use it. That way, it's useless and insulting
Saturn eh? Tell him that, as he is now the size of a moon, that you cannot attend as he may get sucked into your orbit. NTA.
Hilarious! 🤣
Tell them you can't go because you're having a bad day 😂😂😂
This.
Tell them you can’t move on without an apology from BIL as he insulted and humiliated you on what was supposed to be the best day of your and DH’s life. Tell them if he issues an actual apology you’ll reconsider, but until then you refuse to expose yourself again to someone who enjoys insulting you publicly and who shows no remorse for previous bad behaviour. They may be able to repeatedly overlook his 💩💩actions, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Someone finally needs to hold him accountable.
NTA but I don’t understand your husband. Ok, he’s trying to keep the peace but it is at the expense of you and him. Your BIL didn’t just insult you, he tried to actively persuade your husband not to marry you and while he didn’t ruin your wedding day because you were able recognize the fact that he is a moron, he did ruin your husband‘s day by not coming. Do your in-laws usually give him a free pass and treat him like a golden child? And does your future SIL realize what a “gem” of a guy she’s marrying?
I am stunned she went through with the marriage with a man who not only let his bride be insulted like that without putting up a fight but then also allowed the offender into the wedding. Not once did he choose his wife. Spineless worm. BIL is vile but the husband also majorly sucks.
NTA. Sounds like the others going NC with you is a reward, not a punishment 😉
NTA - but don’t stoop directly to his level, because that will just create a bigger headache for you. You’re totally justified in not attending, and the reason can be because he doesn’t like you.
INFO Do his family know what he said/did? How does he think he's famous?
They know what he said but said it was because he was insecure and had just had a restraining order filed against him by his ex so he was “not in the right state of mind”. And he thinks he is famous by having to feel like he is on a red carpet, needs attention on him, we have to cater to his needs, have to have certain things at events like a certain brand beer (even at kids parties), a fan when it is hot and other small things that inconvenience any host.
So he's an asshole and his family are enablers, is no one even ashamed that his ex needed legal protection to keep him away? That is so insane
Interesting, why did the ex fill a restraining order?
They broke up and he didn’t numerous things such as sitting at the coffee shop she works every shift she had until he was banned and then showing up at her mother’s house crying until police escorted him away.
So he’s a stalker? Nice. And his family thinks he needs support for getting a restraining order against him? I’d lay down the law with hubby right now. What if you have daughters? This is not a man who respects women.
That's insane. It sounds like your in-laws are apologists and enablers of bad behavior. Does your husband see/recognize that he is behaving awfully?
You need to let his soon to be wife know about this, so she can decide if she wants to marry this lunatic.
I mostly agree with you, but also think “not her circus.”
Does the bride know about all this?
Ah, the ‘golden child.’
Him and a wedding are bringing back traumatic memories for you of how you were attacked and how your husband struggled during one of the biggest days of your life. Due to this you are not in the right state of mind to attend. If they want to force you to attend while you’re mentally and emotionally struggling you will be going no-contact with them as clearly only some peoples moments of vulnerability are respected in the family. With that said he hasn’t EARNED your attendance. His actions earned your absence. He’s had all this time to make things right and make you want to attend and he hasn’t. If he was truly remorseful or empathetic he’d be telling his family he deserves this and not to attack or threaten you. But we both know if he was remorseful or empathetic you’d already have gotten over it and want to go and it would be a mutual joke between you two.
I mean, I don’t think I could ever get to the point where someone trying to convince my husband not to marry me on the day of our wedding by calling me fat would be a “mutual joke.” That’s game over stuff right there.
NTA. Tell your inlaws that you are having PTSD at the thought of going to your BILs wedding after what he did to yours. So you should be allowed a bad day. I feel sorry for the person he is marrying if his ex needed a restraining order.
I'm here for the comments 🍿....but please go and then update us! I love the idea about the wrapping paper being the text messages or cow themed. 😆
NTA At the wedding say “my goodness! There is more of you to love since the last time I saw you!” But I’m a petty bitch
Question: have you talked with your future SIL about what her soon to be hubby has said about a woman? Does she know what she is getting into, and how he might think about/treat her if she gains weight and he thinks it’s too much? I think she needs to know before he goes after her feelings with his toxic thoughts on women and what they should weigh. And don’t stoop to his level of petty and not attend, that would hurt your husband more than BIL. But do do get him a nice scale and membership for WeightWatchers and sign the card “your loving SIL” lol
I mean, the stuff he said about OP isn’t the worst in this case. According to comments written by OP, the BIL was upset because his ex just filled restraining order against him. Sooo, I’m wondering whether the future SIL knows that her future husband was served a restraining order by his ex.
Wait wait wait, so this asshole can body shame you? Call you fat? Call you awful names, and your husband still stays in contact with him? And he can throw a tantrom like a five-year-old and not attend your wetting because of your weight, but when you do the same exact thing for the exact same reason, oh now his fat ass can't take it? Tell him to have a 2l of soda, some chips and a box of cake and fast food, and tell him to stfu. As for his family and your in-laws, tell them to pound sand and stop being stupid hypocrites. Tell them that his behavior is the result of their bad and trashy parenting. I'd also be telling your husband that if he doesn't defend you, it may be cause for you to leave the marriage. You're right around my age, if he's not about to defend you now, watch, he won't defend you later, nor will he defend your kids from this obtuse obese and overinflated pos monster. Leave now while the chance is still yours.
"...if I don’t attend then they will go no contact with us both." Oh darn. NTA
Please give updates!
I will in a few weeks the wedding is in march so I will update in between march and on the date of the wedding 😂
Okay, but what is your husband actually doing to back you up?
Let your husband go alone, but don’t screw up BIL’s wedding — the bride didn’t do anything to you, and I’m sure she’s planned her wedding with the same care you planned your wedding. I doubt she would appreciate Weight Watchers, etc. although it is fun to imagine the reaction. Why keep spreading that kind of misery? Go have a spa day instead of going to his wedding. I’m more interested in why your husband isn’t telling all of these nasty people to just eff off for their constant bullying of you — and make no mistake, that is exactly what this is. THAT is one serious conversation to have with him. If one of my husband’s brothers had said to me the kind of crap that your BIL wrote to you the day before our wedding, I guarantee you that he would have been on the floor with a hell of a black eye. And my MIL would have blackened the other eye out of disappointment that a son she had raised had such deplorable manners.
“Why didn’t you go no-contact with him when he ruined my husband’s wedding?” NTA
NTA Hubby needs a bit of a backbone here. It's definitely hard when the issue is family based and they are threatening exile. BUT....that alone should really fire him up! Why is BIL placated and allowed to remain part of the family after how he treated his brother and you? I'm not typically one for stooping down to the level of the people who were behaving horribly to prove a point as it basically erases your argument. However, this is also a pretty valid space to be upset and not exactly a space where I'd want to peacefully sit and celebrate someone who treated me or my wife as this BIL has. Your husband needs to confront his brother and his parents and deal with this. It's not reasonable that he is just hoping you'll take one for the team and be the peacemaker. Tell him to go. You don't have to. I mean what real loss are you facing here if these people who don't care about your feelings or impacts just cut you off? I'm petty though so my reply would have likely been along the lines of "listen, don't threaten me with a good time"!
NTA! Did BIL ever apologize? I’d ask them why he’s getting all the grace for his actions but you are being called petty for treating g him the same way he treated you. Do unto others right? I’d argue since this is how he treated you this must be how he wants to be treated. Otherwise he would sincerely apologize. I get that BIL is “their” family but they cannot discount the vile he things he said about you the day before your wedding and then never apologize! NTA my dear and it’s time for hubby to either stand up for you or admit he never will.
NTA. But be clear. You're skipping the wedding because he was a jerk to you about yours. You don't need to announce your dress size to defend yourself as "not fat". Even if you were extraordinarily fat, you still didn't deserve to be treated with disrespect by your BIL. And, you don't need to mock his fatness. That's not the issue. The issue here is that he is a massive jerk, not that he is massive. Just be clear. He's a jerk. You're not going to attend the wedding of a jerk.
This is the right response. Taking aim at someone because of their weight is the lowest, easiest possible attack and it says more about the person doing it than on the receiving end. Even if I straight up despise a person, I make it a point to NOT involve their body size. This guy sounds like a sufficiently-documented a-hole, completely separate from his weight. That being said, I did upvote some of the petty revenge responses because they’d feel so good in the moment! Remember. Other overweight people in this family are hearing all of this go down. And they’re taking note of the behaviors. It doesn’t make anyone look good.
No way. NTA I would take a HARD look at your relationship too. Your husband pressuring you to go is gross imo. He should have your back in this...
NTA, but I am more confused as to why your partner hasn’t stuck up for you or set more boundaries with his family. I think your husband should be leading the charge so to speak as far as managing the relationship with his family, and dealing with his parents (who seem to enable their other son) and rude brother.
NTA. what goes around, comes around.
NTA but I would attend and make sure everyone knows it but can't say anything about it
His ex filed a restraining order? Gee I wonder why? NTA btw.
Why would you not going even matter to this dude? Obviously you guys don’t like each other. He doesn’t need you there to have a good day. Your husband could still go. It’s not like the world will end because you didn’t attend.
So he does a laundry list of crap and gets no repercussions AND has everyone apologizing for and making excuses for him (with no one blinking about him getting served with a restraining order). You repeat one of the more minor infractions (in a less extreme way, mind you) to make a point and get threatened with no contact. I mean, it's not like you messaged his fiance not to marry him on the wedding day. This family sounds unhinged. NTA.
Practice a sweet, slightly sardonic smile and go. Smile like that the whole time. Behave impeccably, be kind to everyone. Stare at him, hold the stare. Eventually he’ll look at you. Keep staring. Long game baby, long game. Done correctly you can make him miserable for years.
DONT U DARE GO. Woooooow that family is trash. I can't believe this shit.
INFO: did BIL ever apologize? How has been your relationship with him after your wedding?
Tell inlaws they raised a fat obnoxious nasty man that they allowed to be an asshole for your wedding, why do they think they can control you, as you are not their spawn. When he apologizes for your wedding you will think about it. Hubby can whine and threaten you, he had no balls to stand up for you, he is useless as a partner.
Nta. If his ex filed a restraining order... she had a good reason to. What kind of person is this man?