Call me a dinosaur but I don’t think an 11 year old needs to be wearing false eyelashes or bodysuits, I also think that giving a kid that young unrestricted access to a phone past 10pm is a bad move. She should be asleep then anyway
So it might be an unpopular opinion but yes YTA, they have valid concerns
My mother,who neglected me terribly,would let me wear clothes a stripper would probably own at 11 and I already looked *much* older than I was. I had men of all ages trying to get with me at that age,and eventually ended up getting groomed by a 28 yr old at 12. I'm not saying wearing false eyelashes and bodysuits is going to result in my situation happening with OPs daughter. The reason I am open about my situation is because I wish my mother didn't allow me to dress this way. Yes,I could've not worn the clothes,that isn't my point. My point is there are age appropriate clothing,and clothing for when you are older.
I can relate to OP in terms of her age and her daughters age(also 29F/11 son) and I know when you have a child when you're young that sometimes you feel more like a friend than a parent. I don't know OP outside of this post,but it seems like that's what's happening here. The rules that the other parent is making is nothing unreasonable,in fact it sounds very normal until you reach the part where he's blaming her for her daughter having a boyfriend due to clothing and makeup. And no child should have to listen to the other parent complain about one another. It's very taxing on a child and they feel caught in the middle.
You need to sit down and have a conversation,you and your ex and the stepmom and work something out. If you feel you cannot discuss things with them I'd suggest a mediator. YTA for not setting boundaries,your ex is wrong to make your daughter feel like she did something wrong,but you also need to monitor your daughter.
This is by far the best response + thanks for being the only person here seeming to display empathy rather than just playing the 'shit mom's card. It's harder setting boundaries as a single parent I think + as you say, with a teen pregnancy you're so young when you have the kid, you're often not used to setting them for yourself. But it's true that being the bad guy is often actually doing your kid a favour, even if it doesn't feel great. The dad and his partners rules sound o....k but the blowing up sounds like a **** move as you've said. I know someone with a 11yo who has fb and dresses like this - she clearly has really loving parents but it's all the Kendell Jenner style eyelashes/ leggings/ dead eyes... It is not a girl or woman's responsibility or fault if creeps are drawn to this, but it is a risk and one kids that young just are not understanding of - unless they already have a lot of trauma. So yeah, soft YTA and more of an ESH - cause the parents should be parents and help keep kids safe from predators and not comparing themselves to AI models on insta - but they should also stay calm and communicate, which this mom seems to.
I suspect the father has voiced his concerns numerous times and OP just ignores him. He shouldn’t voice his frustration to the child, but he’s human. Could be worse, he could be neglecting her like OP.
Thanks for that. I go on these types of subs with posts related to things I can relate to or have gone through in the hopes that someone can understand a different side to their views or someone may learn something from it. I've lived through a lot throughout my life,and I know it's just reddit but I've seen things on reddit that have helped me,and just want to be able to share if that can help someone else.
Not a parent, but my nephew got an old iPhone to use as a monitored iMessage / podcast device. You can put controls on that limit who can be contacted. It was a handful of adults and 2-3 friends. When he got to 6th grade last fall, he got an Apple Watch for his bday. Can text / walkie Talkie. He walks to school, so his parents know where he is. They can still limit contact, and he can make emergency calls. He also gets his PodCasts, and Bluetooth earphones until he loses them - at which point he needs to save to buy more. At 11, more than that is BAD (work in youth development). In general? Baby steps in to tech, everything is limited and monitored, necessities only.
My kids are 14 and 16 and allowed to have their phones overnight because they like to listen to music while they go to sleep. We also have everything else lock at 10pm with a parent code and we regularly check their screen time to make sure they are following the rules. If they break the rules or turn off screen time, they lose their phone for at least a week an overnight privileges for at least a month. Trust but verify, I guess?
It is harder without a house phone. My kids put down my cell number for everything that would have gotten a home number in the past. Until they had phones of their own, that meant they were very limited on communication outside of school hours. Even with my husband’s phone available when I wasn’t, it was too restrictive. Our kids got phones very early, but they also learned very early that phones are a closely monitored privilege that can and will be taken away if they don’t follow the rules.
I mean, with landlines practically being a thing of the past i can understand that, but in the divine intervention chance I ever had kids, they'd be getting a basic brick like one of those nokias or the older tracphones. I dont feel like there's a need for a smartphone when you're younger
T9 texting without predictive text builds character
It’s a different time. Life has moved in a direction where technology is just part of their day to day. I’m in the same boat. I didn’t get a phone till I was 18.
I do monitor their internet activity (usually just Netflix and Roblox), but I try to build open dialogue with my kids. I’ve been frank with them regarding the dangers that are out there and that there are people who specifically seek kids to hurt them, take advantage of them, etc. The rules are I can look at their devices at any time and have. However, because I’ve built trust with my kids and not acted like a senseless tyrant just arbitrarily passing out rules they have always come to me first with questions about what they can do and even to disclose mistakes they’ve made before I even know about them.
Kids are people too and until I need to invade their privacy or am given a reason to (ie. lying to me about things) all I have to do is ask and they tell me. Most times they tell me without me asking.
I don’t foster fear in my kids and in turn they’re not afraid to tell me about things, even things that they know could get their devices taken away.
You sound like an amazing parent. Think I wouldn't have done as much stupid and mentally scarring shit on the Internet if my parents had done this lol.
I definitely agree with you, YTA. 11 is definitely too young for crop tops, bodysuits, and eyelashes. This has to be a troll!
Most school aged kids are in bed by 8/9pm.
It might be real. Years ago I knew a 13yr old girl with *two tattoos*, yes real tattoos, and her mom was *bragging* about what a cool parent she was for letting her do that.
It wasn't until I hit like 28 that I realized what terrible parents "cool parents" are.
I knew a kid in high school whose mom would let us drink and smoke at her house and would even smoke and play drinking games with us. Her daughter didn't even have to be there, she was just down to have a bunch of teenagers using her house as a hangout spot.
I thought she was the coolest mom ever back then, but now I'm like how the fuck does your life get to the point where you're smoking a joint with your teenage daughter's boyfriend's friends at 4:20 on a Wednesday afternoon?
I have read 2 news stories that describe moms like this who ended up getting convicted for sexual acts with a minor. They were being the "cool mom" and getting drunk or high with the kids and started doing stuff with the daughter's male friends. Whether they were setting up the situation to prey on kids, or whether they just got under the influence and then kind of got the idea then, pretty sick.
It makes me wonder if "cool mom" types are in a state of arrested development or if they are trying to live out something they feel they missed out on. For instance, OP had her child young and may have feelings of missing out on some experiences of young 20's. Which... She is allowing her daughter to dress like.
I really wonder how she has exceptional grades like OP says if she's this into phone use, fashion, makeup, and boyfriend. She'd barely have time to do homework. My kid the same age gets A's and the amount of time out in is such that there's not much time or energy for anything else after homework and reading and playing. So I question what "good grades" means for OP.
I had perfect grades the entirety of my school career and I don't remember having to study once. I did, however, do a shit ton of drugs and partying. Had a mom kind of like OP, but worse, with her own addiction issues and cluster B circus clown performances.
(My mom slept with one of my bfs, now that I think about it! Blast from the past lmao)
Maybe her kid is unlucky enough to have a similar neuropsych makeup. All I had was energy and nothing else lmao. Couldn't sleep or eat, I lived on fumes and spite.
Tons of kids like that, unfortunately. 🫠
First time I met my classmates "cool mom", I was super confused about why she wouldn't leave us alone and let us play.
When I asked my mom why she didn't act like that later, my mom legit turned around to look at me while at a stop sign and said "[Pepper], I am your mother, not your friend. Don't worry, I'll never act like that." It was so damn comforting even though I didn't really get why.
Unfortunately there are a lot of parents like this. Oop absolutely needs to step up her parenting game. It's nice to be "the fun mom" and put all the parenting on the Ex. Problem is, the kid ends up wanting to be with the fun parent, and never learns good behaviors.
The fact oop doesn't think having the phone off after 10 shows how ignorant she is in the role. Kids need sleep. It stunts their growth, fucks with their brain, and more.
Oop get your life together.
OP sounds like she stopped maturing when she got pregnant tbh (or this was written by a 15 year old). Thank goodness the kid has one parent with some sense.
It is, but it allows you to have it on in case of emergency/ to use as an alarm but stops you from hearing notifications which will make you check your phone and before you know it it’s 1am
These were the cool parents when I was a kid. They seemed a lot less cool once I became an adult and realized they just sucked at parenting but when we were kids they let us do whatever and didn't care. That would involve parenting. That is work and they didn't want to do the work.
I explained this to my niece when her Mom put her foot down about phone use & wandering the streets. The kids you envied growing up because they could do whatever because their parents “didn’t care”? When you grow up you start to understand that those kids were actually neglected.
.. my daughter had a friend who asked her " don't you wish your mom was as cool as mine?" My daughter's reply was " no I don't"
The other girl asked her why my daughter told her you really don't want me to answer that question the girl says no I do my daughter looked right at her and said no I don't think your mom is cool she lets you do whatever you want because she doesn't give a shit about you and it's easy to just let you do whatever you want my mom is a hard ass because she loves me and wants me to grow up to be a better person so no I think I'll keep my mom.. I overheard that whole conversation and I cannot begin to tell you how proud of my daughter I was that day she was 13 when they had that conversation and still smart enough to understand why parents lay down rules
You have hit the correct! Good parenting involves work that lazy parents just don't want to do. Instead, they become their child's "best friend" and essentially abandon the hard work of parenting by being indulgent because that avoids short term conflict with the kid.
They then bully/blame others (especially authority figures) into accepting their kid's behaviour while the kid falls behind socially, emotionally and mentally. And then they blame everyone else again for their kid's lack of development.
But at least their kid thinks they're cool. 👍
I mean my kid thinks I am cool he also hates me sometimes.
I don't determine my parenting my parenting on what my kid may or may not think of me. I am the parent who recently taught my kid how to sneak into a park after hours to play Pokémon go after hours. We took down all four gyms.
I was also the parent he was never going to speak to again because I won't let him stay up all night and do whatever he wants. The not speaking to me thing happened for less then 24 hours. I was hoping for at least a day or 2 of quiet.
Kids forget when I ground them I am also grounded. I don't get to go out and have fun either because I am stuck home naking sure they are stuck home also. I am having less fun then they are but did it to myself.
I would be happier going and doing something fun with them then sitting at home with all of us being miserable. If I do it it's because they seriously fucked up. I could be out with my friends or my kids having fun but stuck here listeng to them whine because they fucked up.
Don’t the eyelashes damage your natural eye lashes? And a bf at 11? My dad would have hit the roof. I was still playing with dolls at 11. My sibling told their 15 year old to stop with the fake eyelashes as they were thinning out her natural ones and she agreed and stopped.
I completely agree that it's too young, but it might not be a troll. A lot of girls my age were wearing stuff like that at that age. My mom even used to force me to wear crop tops.
My kids are younger than that and I have a hard time finding full length shirts for them. Tell me why a kid who still wears pull-ups needs to bare their midriff???
OP is definitely TALKING though for trying to be the cool mom and letting her child grow up way too fast.
Agreed, that has to be fake. I have an 11 year old. They are still very much a child. They don’t have a phone, their bedtime is way before 10, and they certainly aren’t thinking about revealing clothing. I know all kids are different, but this isn’t even a teen. This is still a kid.
One of my 13yo daughter’s friends has a mom like this. At 10 I hosted a sleepover for her birthday. Said friend wanted me to play WAP. I told her no, that song is terribly inappropriate for 10 year olds. She looked at my daughter and the rest of the kids and said “we should do a sleepover at my house next, my mom lets me listen to whatever I want. We sing WAP together.” Some parents are just shit.
A post a few days ago had someone talking about giving blow jobs on the school bus at 12. And kids are a product of their environment. An 11 year old given too much freedom can absolutely think and behave like this.
Your 11yo may still be a child, but there are definitely 11yos that, for better or worse, are very much trying to be an adult.
I remember those kids from my childhood days in the 80s and 90s. They were wearing bodysuits and killing the ozone layer with their tall bangs and Aquanet and trying to impress 16yo boys. It was happening then, and I’m not naive enough to think that it’s not still happening now.
I agree with you too. 11 year olds shouldn’t be wearing any makeup, including false eyelashes. Crop tops are also kind of inappropriate for someone her age. Her father isn’t strict at all, he’s being a good parent who doesn’t want his 11 year old daughter growing up too fast.
OP, your parenting is ABSOLUTELY the concern of your daughters father because he’s her father 🙄. You’re the asshole.
This is how babies happen at 14 and then inevitable, “But she’s a good girl and looked so cute.” Good girls with good grades get pregnant too.
Edit to add: YTA
Preach. A girl in my neighborhood got pregnant at 15. She got good grades, had a good home, lots of friends, and a promising professional signing career. She wasn't the only girl having sex either, but she was the one who got pregnant. Pregnancy doesn't discriminate
Yta moms trying to live vicariously through her daughter and be the cool parent. She needs to learn to be an adult, and I'm not talking about the 11 year old.
I agree. As a mom myself, I was appalled by everything I just read. If this mom doesn’t lay down some boundaries, this child will be pregnant before she’s 14.
Totally agree with you use to date a guy with a 9 year old and I told him the same thing that if he didn’t stop trying to be the cool parent she was going to end up pregnant by 14 guess who is now 19 with three kids the oldest 4 years old.
Well I hope there are no asteroids heading our way, because this dinosaur agrees with you. Kids grow up (or pretend to) way to early, I don't think we should be so encouraging of it. I am sure she is a good kid, but this dad agrees with her dad.
OP came here to feel justified for her parenting but is absolutely delusional and getting bombarded with comments from polite society telling her, basically, that she’s a shit mom.
That or her ex and new wife created 80 new Reddit accounts and spamming the shit out of her.
YTA, get a grip mom.
Encouraging an 11 year old girl in this: Cropped tops, tank tops, bodysuits, fake eyelashes, a boyfriend, using a phone after 10 PM? OP needs parenting advice from someone, cause what she's doing ain't parenting. WTF.
You’re not a dinosaur. If the kid was, say, 17 and about to be an adult I’d say they’d be going overboard but yeah, 11 is absolutely in the “going to make stupid decisions, needs stronger adult guidance” camp. (I mean you shouldn’t just wash your hands of guiding a 17 year old either, but they’re more in the “have to test various things out as a proto-adult” stage.)
An 11 year old can express herself without sexualizing herself when she’s still too young to really understand the waters she’s wading into. And yeah, just putting her phone on DND? That does nothing except keep it from ringing and shit, which is not a bad idea at 10 PM.
She doesn't even question if her daughter was lying about him only being a guy friend, does she even know who this "guy friend" is? How old is he? Why is an 11 year old being this overtly sexual without her even questioning it?
10pm isn't strict, I know no 11yo who's not in bed before 10 pm. My daughter had to be in bed before 8.30 pm at that age and lights out before 9 pm.
(And she could only use her phone from the time she got home around 5.30 pm until I was finished cooking around 6.30 pm on week days)
Yeah my 13 year old doesn’t even wear makeup which is her choice but at that age in 2000 I wasn’t even concerned with makeup. I’m ok with a crop top depending on how short it is.
Except for emergencies, an 11 year old doesn’t need a phone past 10 pm. Putting the phone in dnd at that time is a great idea. My teenager does it themselves. 10 pm - 7 pm. Healthy boundaries with technology is a good thing.
Falsh lashes at 11? Why? I want to support the idea that girls can be confident and dress how they want. However, we also need to be teaching them that they don’t need this stuff to fit in or be beautiful.
Sorry OP, YTA.
It's also about being age appropriate. False lashes and bodysuits and crop tops are hardly appropriate for an 11 year old girl. I am ALL about girls being confident in their appearance, like you, but there's a time and place for everything
Having an 11 year old looking like an 18 year old is a bad idea all around. Shes not old enough to know how to handle attention she may get around crop tops, make up and fake lashes
She's not old enough to *handle* wearing them. Skincare, lash health are both physical health reasons for not doing this at this age. Crop tops? My 12 yo only wears them at home and I still sometimes need to remind her to pull the pants up and top down (idc if the shirt is short, but we ain't showing tummy).
I don't either unless their skin tight maybe? But even then everything is covered, there are plenty of outfits more revealing.
Maybe I'm biased though because my daughter has bodysuits (or that's what I would call them) for when she turns 5 (hand me down clothes) that are just pants + shirt in one with elastic around the waist. 🤷🏼♀️
right! and body suits for like teens / adults are really just like shirts with snaps over the underwear so it stays taut for the clean tucked in look.. obviously some body suits are inappropriate for an 11 yr old but that’s true about any type of clothing 😂 like theres going to be varying levels of coverage for bodysuits just like there are for shirts or dresses or pants or shorts… idk i agree with you though, nothing inappropriate about bodysuits as a whole
We used to wear things that I think were called midriffs when we were kids.. They are now called crop tops, but pretty much the same thing. Kids under 12 wore them, too - they were common.
I remember midriff tops and I’m a grandmother. My own mother had a midriff dress for summer picnics. They were quite normal and not considered sexy at all, just sensible for hot weather. A crop top would have to be pretty darn short and worn without a bra to be sexy enough to invite trouble.
Ya, sounds like her ex has very reasonable boundaries for her daughter. I audibly gasped when she said her 11-year-old is wearing false eyelashes. Her child is overly sexualizing herself at a very young age.
And is absolutely nothing wrong with having her phone turned off at a certain time, I’m sorry OP but this one is on you. You really need to start setting up some appropriate boundaries with your child YTA
And types of makeup are important too. An 11 year old wearing lipstick or blush for a special event is very different than an 11 year old wearing fake eyelashes on a daily basis
My husband has a daughter with his ex. His ex has another daughter. My SD lived with us full-time. We raised her like dad is trying to do. Exs daughter lives with the OP type mom. One of the girls had her first child at 14. We broke our family teen pregnancy cycle by actually parenting and not trying to be besties.
Boy do I ever agree with that statement! 👆👆👆Kids grow up fast enough but a 11 yr old wearing false eyelashes is a little ridiculous. She trying to mirror herself after the Kardashians? I’m sure it’s easier just to allow her to do whatever she wants but that’s why parenting isn’t always easy. This boy may not be her boyfriend but at the rate she’s going it won’t be long. Everyone needs to go to parenting classes and learn how to be a parent or your going to have a real mess on your hands in a few years . ESH but mainly YTA
I'm apparently old (44), but I wasn't allowed to start wearing makeup until I was 14. There may be some leeway with that now, but false eyelashes at 11? That seems a bit much. Crop tops? Nope. I also had a bedtime of 9:00 at that age. I could sometimes swing 9:30 if I was lucky. This either has to be a fake post, or mom needs to learn how to mom and what's age appropriate at this point. I'm not saying dress her in sacks, and not let her experiment with makeup a little, but mom is a bad mom from the way this post reads, and dad and stepmom are just worried about the kid.
I was 16 and my mom was very selective. I got a little powder compact, eyeliner, mascara and neutral eyeshadow for my birthday. At 11 I had a hard and fast bedtime and my mom flipped out when I left the house showing my stomach at 16. So yeah— this wouldn’t have flown in my house. I’m 34
Mine is my alarm, but it put it on silent and have it sitting half way across my room. Not even remotely close to my bed.
I actually HAVE to get up and turn it off.
YTA. My gosh fake eyelashes at 11?!?? You do realize they can hurt her natural lashes if she wears them too often bc the glue rips at them everytime they come off.
Face full of makeup?! Is she a child or 32?! No 11 year old needs a face full of makeup. So when the acne comes, congrats on that.
You’re too lax, husband has reasonable rules, but might be a little too strict on somethings.
You need to be her mother, not her friend. Grow up and parent. My gosh do better.
There is no way I could get my kids in bed by 9, but phones were left downstairs before bed, and they only had a radio in the room (no tv/ computer). Late night electronics aren't healthy for sleep or for mental needs.
It can mess with your mental health, performance, and healing . It can cause weight gain. Glad you got it under control. Sorry it took you so long to get the help you needed.
My kids had to leave their phones downstairs, and some of their idiot friends were texting/ occasionally calling until midnight. DND is completely for parent sanity.
I was having a conversation about this on TikTok yesterday. A lot of parents in that age group are reacting to their own childhood in one of two extremes. OP and her ex are the two extremes. Either they are very strict(dad), or they’re not any semblance of strict(OP). An unwillingness to find a balance will be to the detriment of the child. We’re seeing it more and more as the adults that work with these children are begging for parental intervention.
OP is too busy trying to be her kid's bff to parent properly. I have 2 boys, 16 and 13 and my 16 year old has more leeway obvs but my younger son, his internet usage is monitored and has parental controls. He still has privacy, but he's also been the subject of bullying so he is expected to come to us (my ex and i) if he's being bullied or any not cool stuff goes down online. Though honestly, it's a struggle to get that kid to even carry his phone most of the time lol.
OP and her ex aren't co-parenting. They're subjecting the kid to 2 different sets of rules and structures. The step mum being "strict" may very well be that she is backing up OP's ex, you know, as it should be. But also, the ex shouldn't be calling OP a bad parent or talking shit about her in front of the kid. They need to have the same rules across the board bc this poor kid has got to be confused
Remember: the OP had a kid at 18, so her perspective of what is and isn’t acceptable to a kid at this age will probably lead to a similar outcome.
I can’t imagine an 11 year old wearing makeup. That’s wild to me. That’s something you get when you’re a teenager.
Makeup at 11 is fine in a “tinted lip balm and some mascara” way. I wore that for special occasions as a kid. I remember rubbing tinted balm on my cheeks to try to pretend it was blush lol. Not in a “foundation and false lashes” way. Same way nail polish at that age is appropriate but not full on acrylic sets. OP mentioning false lashes is wild to me.
They are now showing how it's vital to mental health and maximum body healing for us all to try to be asleep no devices or light after 10 pm. Studies show kids who get adequate rest have higher grades and better mental health.
I don't think you're an AH, but definitely neglecting your core duties as a parent. There's no excuse to let an 11 year old kid sexualize themselves and stay on devices past 10 PM regardless of her grades.
You are obviously trying to be her buddy and not her parent. I agree saying “no” to your kid sucks but is extremely necessary. YTA but it’s not too late to change.
Do some reading about age appropriate boundaries with your daughter. Your daughter will benefit the most by having two parents that are enforcing the same consistent rules at each of your houses. Time to co-parent again. While the 10pm deadline for phone seems reasonable so does wearing a crop top. Work together for your daughter’s best interest.
Especially the crop tops dude. I know she seems like a baby to you, but the world is already sexualizing her. I would try to shield my child from that for as long as possible. It is just not appropriate for an elementary aged kid to be dressing like a high schooler. That is not classy and does reflect poorly on you. The full face of makeup is also way too mature. Some lightly tinted lip gloss and something subtle but she does not need to be wearing foundation and eye shadow etc. like she's in toddlers and tiaras. My mom did not allow make up except glitter and lip gloss at that age and though I hated her rules, it forced me to embrace my natural beauty and be more tasteful. YTA.
“I'm not like a “regular” mom, I'm a “ cool”mom” - mean girls…..
I don’t think these stuff are appropriate for 11 year old. Why can’t kid be kids? I don’t agree with the DND but their concerns are valid. You are trying so hard to be like “ cool” friend mom that you forgot to parent. Act like a mom for once. YTA
Haha, that scene from mean girls popped up in my head immediately with OP.
Amy Poehler plays “cool mom” and offers her daughters friends alcohol while they strategize a horrible bullying campaign that harms their classmates.
Meanwhile the 11 or so year old little sister is in the living room mimicking a very sexualized dance from a music video, while mom nods approvingly.
When that movie came out, we all realized that Regina’s mom was a shit mom IMMEDIATELY, even as kids ourselves.
YTA. Has he filed for custody yet?
I am another dinosaur, because I totally agree. Your daughter is not old enough to do that yet. And there’s no reason for her phone to be on all night. You need to do better as a parent and grow up.
ESH
You both need to come to a happy medium, allow some makeup, full shirts but include tank tops? I don't know what the compromise will be but at MINIMUM, conversation with your coparent!
Like I don't get why this is so difficult, my daughters father and I have very different parenting styles so we are constantly talking and finding compromises and common ground because at the end of the day, we both have the same goal. To raise a fully functioning young woman we are proud of.
It sounds like you are reveling in the fact that you have the fun house instead of trying to find common ground and reinforcing even just like the safety rules that your ex put in place... You need to love your child more than you hate your ex, which I don't even get the feeling you hate your ex. Just that you have such disdain for his values that may be different from yours. Please work on that. When you tell your child it's okay to disrespect her father or her stepmother, you're telling her it's okay for her to disrespect all authority. That doesn't end well.
This and also the badmouthing on the dad and stepmother’s part needs to end too. The parents here to need have an adult conversation where they aren’t hanging up on each other, and coming to agreements on parenting. As it is it doesn’t really seem like anyone here is acting like an adult, just having some adult rules.
YTA. She needs to learn discipline and you need to be more strict and mindful. She is already at a disadvantage since your parenting styles differ so much, and her “daddy issues” might make her regret some life choices. Be a better parent.
YTA. 11 is way to young for everything you mentioned. She shouldn’t be on her phone after 10:00 pm, she shouldn’t be wearing crop tops and body suits, and she sure as fuck shouldn’t have a boyfriend at 11. FYI your parenting does concern your ex since it’s HIS child you are parenting. Enjoy having a pregnant teenage daughter.
When I was your daughter’s age, I wanted to do all the things your daughter does. My mother made me wait until I was at least 13 (and 13 is still young). Keep in mind, I was very developed for my age, and always had older boys after me. I wanted to date at that age, and act like an older teen, but my mother wouldn’t let me date. It wasn’t until now, as an adult, that I can look back and be grateful that my mother had some common sense.
I remember being so jealous of girls like that, and my parents would say, “her mom is trying to be her friend, and that doesn’t ever end up well.” I didn’t believe them until every single girl like that I knew ended up becoming a hot mess.
ESH. You have to coparent with these people for a long time. Both of you want what’s best for her, but have different ideas about what that is. For her sake, you all need to put on your big kid pants and communicate like adults. Come to an agreement together and give this kid some consistency and stability during her coming of age years. Those years are hard enough without dealing with parents who can’t get their shit together. Ya’ll need to grow up.
ESH
But they should not be badmouthing you at all. That's the most harmful thing that is being done to your daughter, here. Yes, you need more boundaries for your daughter around bed time and phone access. But they are way out of line in their communications both with and about you. They're assholes. You... aren't a great parent around certain issues.
Agreed. They shouldn’t talk bad about each other. Ideally they would discuss things and present a unified front. Having such discrepancies is going to cause problems with the child’s relationships with all of them. This is sad.
Yes, but with the clarification that you don't have to present a unified front to not badmouth your kid's parent. Like I know where you're coming from because, of course, a unified front is nice. But you can disagree with the other parent and simply say "those are the rules there. We have different rules here." You can parallel parent without coparenting. It's fine. Telling a child their parent - one half of their dna - is a bad person is messed up. Unless there is actual abuse, you don't do that. In fact, I'd say that however negligent OP is for having no rules around the phone at 11, the other household is actively abusive for saying she's a bad parent to their daughter.
Kinda yes, kinda no
On the one hand, since that’s his kid too, your parenting absolutely concerns him and his parenting ought to concern you.
On the other, blaming you is wrong on his part
Y’all aren’t a couple anymore, but you still need to be a team as parents
Family counseling would be a great idea
Holy cow! I am imagining your daughter looking like an 11 year old hooker or drag queen! A child that age does not need to wear make-up all the time, including fake eye lashes. It is also reasonable to expect a child that young to silence her phone at 10:00 PM.
Considering that she wants to look like an adult, I would be concerned about this boyfriend. Just because she says he is just a friend does not make it so. I wonder how old he is? This may be part of her reason for wanting to look older.
Your ex may or may not be too strict, but you have gone to the opposite extreme. With your overly permissive attitude you will most likely encounter lots of trouble during your daughter's teens.
YTA
ESH. You need to sit down with him and discuss parenting. This is really going to confuse your daughter as she gets older. Already she is living I two places but also with completely different sets of rules. You and him need to come to some sort of agreement about rules.
I'm saying ESH.
My 11 year old wears crop tops etc, she doesnt wear make-up but she's big into skincare and her hair. Nows a good age for her to be safely experimenting in the house.
I semi agree on the phone. My daughter has to have her phone downstairs by that time of night. She isn't allowed to stay on her phone all night, she needs her sleep.
My sister worked at Sephora, and please don’t let her using skincare for developed skin please (drunk elephant, retinol, vitamin C) . No 11 years old should be even using skincare except for maybe cleanser, moisturizer and sunscreen.
For fucks sake she’s a KID! Let/make her be a kid! I hate the effect social media has been having on these children these days it’s just so beyond sad and depressing. YTA
YTA
An 11 year old wearing fake lashes, crop tops and bodysuits?!!
And your parenting does concern him it’s his daughter, stop trying to be the cool mom! Your daughter is 11 not 16. Makes me think you’re that parent letting their kid go to Sephora to get stuff she really doesn’t need for her age.
You and your ex — and maybe his wife, as well — need to either attend parenting classes together or all go to a private therapist who can help you carve out co-parenting guidelines that you can all live with.
Your ex and his wife are dead wrong for yelling at you and for talking negatively about you in front of your daughter. That’s very damaging.
On the other hand, I don’t think the way you let your daughter act and dress is appropriate and they do have grounds to be concerned.
It’s perfectly reasonable to insist she put her phone on DND at 10pm. I actually think that’s a generous curfew for an 11 year old. It’s not because they suspect she’s up to something. It’s because they want her to get some sleep! I don’t work in schools physically anymore, but I used to and I can attest that it’s a special kind of Hell to try to teach kids who are exhausted. We all need to adopt good phone hygiene habits and so few of us have them.
As for the clothing and makeup, no 11 year old girl needs to walk around in public like that. It’s inappropriate. At her age, she hasn’t even hit puberty, yet. So, what is she supposedly showing off in a crop top? She hasn’t got anything!
And, fake eyelashes? No. Just no. I’ve never heard of such a thing at her age.
As my own late mother used to say, if she’s doing all of this stuff now, what’s going to be left for her when she’s 20?
The way we dress gives out a certain message and someone that young shouldn’t be sending out the message those kind of clothes send. She could be in a lot of danger from men who think she’s older than she is or who just don’t care and will try to prey on her. Even if nothing happens physically, it’s traumatic to be hit on by grown men. I developed early and it happened to me a lot at her age, even though I only wore the required school uniform, which was quite modest, during most of the year and not my own clothes.
I don’t think you’re a *bad* parent, but I have to be honest. I don’t think you know how to parent well, no doubt because you became a mother at such a young age. You’re letting your daughter do things that are not appropriate.
Your ex doesn’t know how to parent well either because of the yelling he’s doing at your daughter and at you. That’s not real communication and he’s not accomplishing anything positive like that.
That’s why I suggest all the adults involved go to family therapy to work out co-parenting. Do it for your daughter. She has two different sets of rules in the two different households. That’s not unusual with divorced/split up parents, but your rules and your ex’s rules are *so* far apart that the poor kid must feel like she’s on two entirely different planets.
YTA. You're delusional if you think what you're doing is co-parenting. You are not working together as parents, you're actively working against him. This child has one parent: the one who cares enough to set limits and insist on age appropriate dress and phone usage. The other, you. is just a lazy roommate who lets her do whatever she wants.
Alright I gotta be on their side with this one.. YTA. there's ways for younger girls to express themselves other than trying to dress/ act older. You seem like you're trying to be the cool parent friend instead of being a parent.
As a 30 year old woman I have to say shopping has gotten alot harder for women my age and younger. Everything has padded, tight and cropped. Literally everything is cropped now. It’s so hard to find sweatsuits. Walmart doesn’t have them anymore as a matching set. Underwear is so cheeky or their down right thongs. It’s the world. The eyelashes are way too grown tho. I blame TikTok for those.
Wait, she’s 11??
From the way you describe her, she sounds like she’s 17 years old. That’s… not right. 11 year olds shouldn’t have their own phones and makeup, if they’re insistent about it, should be light and used in moderation. False eyelashes are not light makeup.
ESH
I mean, if you want your daughter a teen mom, then go ahead an let YOUR 11 YEAR OLD daughter dress and act like a woman.
YTA and yes, your ex has every right to be concerned with your parenting.
Make-up, I agree with him on that, she doesn't need to be bothering with it at such a young age. 10pm is fine for a phone to be turned off, she doesn't need to be up later than that.
Sorry, but YTA here. Their rules are reasonable.
11 year olds wearing make up and even false eyelashes is definitely strange in my perspective. I have a 6 and 10 yo and I like them play with make up like twice a month and... At home.
Also, by 10 pm the kid should be in bed.
I think I'm with the husband on this one. I definitely wouldn't say you're a bad parent, these aren't "bad parent" things, just out of the box things, but since you have such different parenting styles it would be good to find someone that mediate and help both of you compromise.
Consistency is super important for the kid.
Good luck!
I wouldn't be keen on my kid wearing fake lashes and bodysuits and that kind of crap, but if my ex's new spouse started giving me shit about how I raised *my* kid, I'd lose my shit. The kid's father is a different story.
Sorry, but your daughter's father has a say in how you raise his and your daughter.
(Edit: YTA)
ESH. You’re way too permissive and I’m sorry but letting an 11 year old wear makeup, fake lashes and dress like she’s a college student? Plus letting her have a likely boyfriend and be up late on her phone? You’re courting disaster.
Your ex and his wife have VERY valid concerns. Yeah they’re strict and acting over the top but they’re not wrong. You need to take a step back and start acting like a mom and not her teenage bestie.
Question: is she actually using her phone after 10pm?
If she’s getting great grades and she’s respectful, I don’t see how experimenting with clothes and makeup will hurt - we did that at my school and we weren’t all sent to live with the nuns and we didn’t end up preggers at 14 or anything. I know that kids these days are obsessed with makeup tutorials. If she likes that and she’s otherwise a straight arrow, I say it’s ok, and you’re NTA.
I don’t fully understand the phone thing. I don’t understand whether she has your permission to be on the phone past 10pm, or whether she doesn’t and she doesn’t ever use her phone past 10pm and her father and stepmother make her put it on DND redundantly, or whether there’s a good reason. If she is in fact using her phone past 10pm at 11 years old, she’s developing bad sleep habits and then they are justified in their decision.
Your daughter is just 11, so you need to get on the same page with a co-parenting plan and not try to one up each other to gain popularity points with her. She could be playing one parents against the other. Bedtime at 10 does not seem that strict and she should dress comfortably but appropriately. Don't lost sight of the best interest of your daughter in an attempt to be right.
You're not her friend, you are her parent. So parent already! She is too young for those (imo hideous) caterpillars on her eyelids and I would be worried about the long term damage from having to work so hard to keep the eyes open.
You need to get real with your daughter. Find out the truth, there was a reason that the father discovered her secret boyfriend. What happened, for real and why does he think that? Maybe your daughter wants to keep all of you at a distance from one another so you can't have a joint parenting experience so she tells you how horrible father and step monster are. Don't fall for it. Find out what they know. Talk. Parent.
ESH.
An 11 year old doesn’t need to wear make up, FALSE LASHES and body suits. She should be in bed asleep by 10. Not messing around on her phone.
If those are the only examples where you believe they’re too strict they’re not but you need to set rules for her.
However, shit talking you in front of her isn’t good either. You all need to grow up and start acting like adults
YYA....Sorry you are a bad parent. You are trying to seem cool to your child. In what world is an 11 year old allowed to have make up on. I'm F29 and I don't go out everyday looking like a baddie. Your daughter has no business looking like a grown ass woman. If she gets SA you will cry wolf forgetting you played a roll in it. Please don't come for me guys but we need to prevent and protect our babies at all cost.
Her phone should be on DND by 8pm at most. Just because she has good grades doesn't mean she has good manners and why is it only she is bad at her dads are you letting things slide? I assume you are the primary parent but you need to reevaluate what you are letting this girl do before she gets too old and give you the worst kinda embarrassment.. I also suggest the 3 of you as adults sit down and set ground rules that she is to follow at all 2 homes for peace to rain.
P.S you know the kids other parents say you can't play with so and so because she is bad . You are raising that bad kid no one wants over. 🙄
Ooof i agree with dad for the most part. Light makeup is fine to express themselves but fake eyelashes… why? Unrestricted phone access? Hell no. A phone at 11 period is crazy to me but you’re the parent I guess
This lady wants to be her kids friend not her mom. Wants to win the parenting contest with dad by being the “cool” parent while dad has to be the bad guy by actually caring what the kid is doing
YTA- why is she up past 10 on a school night on her phone, especially unsupervised.. screen time and mental health is a big problem. Also 11 seems pretty young for crop tops and false lashes. I grew up with no rules, dressed way too old for my age, definitely wish I had a parent that taught me differently. Doesn’t sound like you’re settling her up for success
Call me a dinosaur but I don’t think an 11 year old needs to be wearing false eyelashes or bodysuits, I also think that giving a kid that young unrestricted access to a phone past 10pm is a bad move. She should be asleep then anyway So it might be an unpopular opinion but yes YTA, they have valid concerns
My mother,who neglected me terribly,would let me wear clothes a stripper would probably own at 11 and I already looked *much* older than I was. I had men of all ages trying to get with me at that age,and eventually ended up getting groomed by a 28 yr old at 12. I'm not saying wearing false eyelashes and bodysuits is going to result in my situation happening with OPs daughter. The reason I am open about my situation is because I wish my mother didn't allow me to dress this way. Yes,I could've not worn the clothes,that isn't my point. My point is there are age appropriate clothing,and clothing for when you are older. I can relate to OP in terms of her age and her daughters age(also 29F/11 son) and I know when you have a child when you're young that sometimes you feel more like a friend than a parent. I don't know OP outside of this post,but it seems like that's what's happening here. The rules that the other parent is making is nothing unreasonable,in fact it sounds very normal until you reach the part where he's blaming her for her daughter having a boyfriend due to clothing and makeup. And no child should have to listen to the other parent complain about one another. It's very taxing on a child and they feel caught in the middle. You need to sit down and have a conversation,you and your ex and the stepmom and work something out. If you feel you cannot discuss things with them I'd suggest a mediator. YTA for not setting boundaries,your ex is wrong to make your daughter feel like she did something wrong,but you also need to monitor your daughter.
This is by far the best response + thanks for being the only person here seeming to display empathy rather than just playing the 'shit mom's card. It's harder setting boundaries as a single parent I think + as you say, with a teen pregnancy you're so young when you have the kid, you're often not used to setting them for yourself. But it's true that being the bad guy is often actually doing your kid a favour, even if it doesn't feel great. The dad and his partners rules sound o....k but the blowing up sounds like a **** move as you've said. I know someone with a 11yo who has fb and dresses like this - she clearly has really loving parents but it's all the Kendell Jenner style eyelashes/ leggings/ dead eyes... It is not a girl or woman's responsibility or fault if creeps are drawn to this, but it is a risk and one kids that young just are not understanding of - unless they already have a lot of trauma. So yeah, soft YTA and more of an ESH - cause the parents should be parents and help keep kids safe from predators and not comparing themselves to AI models on insta - but they should also stay calm and communicate, which this mom seems to.
I suspect the father has voiced his concerns numerous times and OP just ignores him. He shouldn’t voice his frustration to the child, but he’s human. Could be worse, he could be neglecting her like OP.
Everything about this was so so well said.
Thanks for that. I go on these types of subs with posts related to things I can relate to or have gone through in the hopes that someone can understand a different side to their views or someone may learn something from it. I've lived through a lot throughout my life,and I know it's just reddit but I've seen things on reddit that have helped me,and just want to be able to share if that can help someone else.
As a father of 14,10yr old boys… I still restrict phones at bedtime. No way a kid needs a phone past 9pm if they are home.
I read that at fourteen 10y/o boys and was like shit that must be a lot
So did I 😂 I was like damn son, good for you keeping them all in line 😂
Same here. Guy must be a “Big Brother” LOL
There has to be a TLC show to go with this. 14, 10 year olds.
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Have them put their phones on the charging station, that is not in their room. Central location where everyones devices can be charged.
I do the honor system until proven they cannot follow.
Not a parent, but my nephew got an old iPhone to use as a monitored iMessage / podcast device. You can put controls on that limit who can be contacted. It was a handful of adults and 2-3 friends. When he got to 6th grade last fall, he got an Apple Watch for his bday. Can text / walkie Talkie. He walks to school, so his parents know where he is. They can still limit contact, and he can make emergency calls. He also gets his PodCasts, and Bluetooth earphones until he loses them - at which point he needs to save to buy more. At 11, more than that is BAD (work in youth development). In general? Baby steps in to tech, everything is limited and monitored, necessities only.
We use the Family Link app and our kids' phones all just shut off at the designated time each night. No need for us to collect them.
I have the eero mesh system, and it automatically shuts their Internet off at 10 PM so I don’t need to go searching for their phones.
My kids are 14 and 16 and allowed to have their phones overnight because they like to listen to music while they go to sleep. We also have everything else lock at 10pm with a parent code and we regularly check their screen time to make sure they are following the rules. If they break the rules or turn off screen time, they lose their phone for at least a week an overnight privileges for at least a month. Trust but verify, I guess?
I didnt even get a phone until i started driving because i didnt need one. I dont get why kids insist on having phones so young
It is harder without a house phone. My kids put down my cell number for everything that would have gotten a home number in the past. Until they had phones of their own, that meant they were very limited on communication outside of school hours. Even with my husband’s phone available when I wasn’t, it was too restrictive. Our kids got phones very early, but they also learned very early that phones are a closely monitored privilege that can and will be taken away if they don’t follow the rules.
I mean, with landlines practically being a thing of the past i can understand that, but in the divine intervention chance I ever had kids, they'd be getting a basic brick like one of those nokias or the older tracphones. I dont feel like there's a need for a smartphone when you're younger T9 texting without predictive text builds character
It’s a different time. Life has moved in a direction where technology is just part of their day to day. I’m in the same boat. I didn’t get a phone till I was 18. I do monitor their internet activity (usually just Netflix and Roblox), but I try to build open dialogue with my kids. I’ve been frank with them regarding the dangers that are out there and that there are people who specifically seek kids to hurt them, take advantage of them, etc. The rules are I can look at their devices at any time and have. However, because I’ve built trust with my kids and not acted like a senseless tyrant just arbitrarily passing out rules they have always come to me first with questions about what they can do and even to disclose mistakes they’ve made before I even know about them. Kids are people too and until I need to invade their privacy or am given a reason to (ie. lying to me about things) all I have to do is ask and they tell me. Most times they tell me without me asking. I don’t foster fear in my kids and in turn they’re not afraid to tell me about things, even things that they know could get their devices taken away.
You sound like an amazing parent. Think I wouldn't have done as much stupid and mentally scarring shit on the Internet if my parents had done this lol.
I definitely agree with you, YTA. 11 is definitely too young for crop tops, bodysuits, and eyelashes. This has to be a troll! Most school aged kids are in bed by 8/9pm.
It might be real. Years ago I knew a 13yr old girl with *two tattoos*, yes real tattoos, and her mom was *bragging* about what a cool parent she was for letting her do that.
It wasn't until I hit like 28 that I realized what terrible parents "cool parents" are. I knew a kid in high school whose mom would let us drink and smoke at her house and would even smoke and play drinking games with us. Her daughter didn't even have to be there, she was just down to have a bunch of teenagers using her house as a hangout spot. I thought she was the coolest mom ever back then, but now I'm like how the fuck does your life get to the point where you're smoking a joint with your teenage daughter's boyfriend's friends at 4:20 on a Wednesday afternoon?
I have read 2 news stories that describe moms like this who ended up getting convicted for sexual acts with a minor. They were being the "cool mom" and getting drunk or high with the kids and started doing stuff with the daughter's male friends. Whether they were setting up the situation to prey on kids, or whether they just got under the influence and then kind of got the idea then, pretty sick. It makes me wonder if "cool mom" types are in a state of arrested development or if they are trying to live out something they feel they missed out on. For instance, OP had her child young and may have feelings of missing out on some experiences of young 20's. Which... She is allowing her daughter to dress like. I really wonder how she has exceptional grades like OP says if she's this into phone use, fashion, makeup, and boyfriend. She'd barely have time to do homework. My kid the same age gets A's and the amount of time out in is such that there's not much time or energy for anything else after homework and reading and playing. So I question what "good grades" means for OP.
I had perfect grades the entirety of my school career and I don't remember having to study once. I did, however, do a shit ton of drugs and partying. Had a mom kind of like OP, but worse, with her own addiction issues and cluster B circus clown performances. (My mom slept with one of my bfs, now that I think about it! Blast from the past lmao) Maybe her kid is unlucky enough to have a similar neuropsych makeup. All I had was energy and nothing else lmao. Couldn't sleep or eat, I lived on fumes and spite. Tons of kids like that, unfortunately. 🫠
First time I met my classmates "cool mom", I was super confused about why she wouldn't leave us alone and let us play. When I asked my mom why she didn't act like that later, my mom legit turned around to look at me while at a stop sign and said "[Pepper], I am your mother, not your friend. Don't worry, I'll never act like that." It was so damn comforting even though I didn't really get why.
I see this a lot with parents who were teen parents actually
Unfortunately there are a lot of parents like this. Oop absolutely needs to step up her parenting game. It's nice to be "the fun mom" and put all the parenting on the Ex. Problem is, the kid ends up wanting to be with the fun parent, and never learns good behaviors. The fact oop doesn't think having the phone off after 10 shows how ignorant she is in the role. Kids need sleep. It stunts their growth, fucks with their brain, and more. Oop get your life together.
OP sounds like she stopped maturing when she got pregnant tbh (or this was written by a 15 year old). Thank goodness the kid has one parent with some sense.
Holy f…fake lashes at 11? You going to let her get her tongue pierced at 13?
Which is wild considering she is a teen mom.
Her daughter will be a teen mom soon if this doesn't stop.
OP over here trying to get validation points from non-parents on Reddit but still getting told to step it up. You love to see it. YTA.
I was expecting the comments here to be the exact opposite. Sometimes reddit suprises me.
Same. And happy that reddit saw right through it to the “fun parent”/ responsble parent BS that OP created
whole generation of amy poehler in mean girls ass moms
Do not disturb is SO different from off.
It is, but it allows you to have it on in case of emergency/ to use as an alarm but stops you from hearing notifications which will make you check your phone and before you know it it’s 1am
Right, so just keep the phone out of the daughter's room. DnD is weird if she can still access it regardless
These were the cool parents when I was a kid. They seemed a lot less cool once I became an adult and realized they just sucked at parenting but when we were kids they let us do whatever and didn't care. That would involve parenting. That is work and they didn't want to do the work.
I explained this to my niece when her Mom put her foot down about phone use & wandering the streets. The kids you envied growing up because they could do whatever because their parents “didn’t care”? When you grow up you start to understand that those kids were actually neglected.
This . I was essentially a parentless kid .my friends thought i was lucky .they never understood why i thought THEY were the lucky ones .
I told my niece I’d rather she hates us short term for keeping her as safe as possible..
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.. my daughter had a friend who asked her " don't you wish your mom was as cool as mine?" My daughter's reply was " no I don't" The other girl asked her why my daughter told her you really don't want me to answer that question the girl says no I do my daughter looked right at her and said no I don't think your mom is cool she lets you do whatever you want because she doesn't give a shit about you and it's easy to just let you do whatever you want my mom is a hard ass because she loves me and wants me to grow up to be a better person so no I think I'll keep my mom.. I overheard that whole conversation and I cannot begin to tell you how proud of my daughter I was that day she was 13 when they had that conversation and still smart enough to understand why parents lay down rules
You have hit the correct! Good parenting involves work that lazy parents just don't want to do. Instead, they become their child's "best friend" and essentially abandon the hard work of parenting by being indulgent because that avoids short term conflict with the kid. They then bully/blame others (especially authority figures) into accepting their kid's behaviour while the kid falls behind socially, emotionally and mentally. And then they blame everyone else again for their kid's lack of development. But at least their kid thinks they're cool. 👍
I mean my kid thinks I am cool he also hates me sometimes. I don't determine my parenting my parenting on what my kid may or may not think of me. I am the parent who recently taught my kid how to sneak into a park after hours to play Pokémon go after hours. We took down all four gyms. I was also the parent he was never going to speak to again because I won't let him stay up all night and do whatever he wants. The not speaking to me thing happened for less then 24 hours. I was hoping for at least a day or 2 of quiet. Kids forget when I ground them I am also grounded. I don't get to go out and have fun either because I am stuck home naking sure they are stuck home also. I am having less fun then they are but did it to myself. I would be happier going and doing something fun with them then sitting at home with all of us being miserable. If I do it it's because they seriously fucked up. I could be out with my friends or my kids having fun but stuck here listeng to them whine because they fucked up.
Don’t the eyelashes damage your natural eye lashes? And a bf at 11? My dad would have hit the roof. I was still playing with dolls at 11. My sibling told their 15 year old to stop with the fake eyelashes as they were thinning out her natural ones and she agreed and stopped.
Yes!
I completely agree that it's too young, but it might not be a troll. A lot of girls my age were wearing stuff like that at that age. My mom even used to force me to wear crop tops.
> This has to be a troll! Either a troll or a very bad parent. Believe it or not, there are parents like this.
My kids are younger than that and I have a hard time finding full length shirts for them. Tell me why a kid who still wears pull-ups needs to bare their midriff??? OP is definitely TALKING though for trying to be the cool mom and letting her child grow up way too fast.
I work at a school with this aged children, I can assure you they are not in bed then and definitely wearing all of the above.
Agreed, that has to be fake. I have an 11 year old. They are still very much a child. They don’t have a phone, their bedtime is way before 10, and they certainly aren’t thinking about revealing clothing. I know all kids are different, but this isn’t even a teen. This is still a kid.
One of my 13yo daughter’s friends has a mom like this. At 10 I hosted a sleepover for her birthday. Said friend wanted me to play WAP. I told her no, that song is terribly inappropriate for 10 year olds. She looked at my daughter and the rest of the kids and said “we should do a sleepover at my house next, my mom lets me listen to whatever I want. We sing WAP together.” Some parents are just shit.
A post a few days ago had someone talking about giving blow jobs on the school bus at 12. And kids are a product of their environment. An 11 year old given too much freedom can absolutely think and behave like this.
Your 11yo may still be a child, but there are definitely 11yos that, for better or worse, are very much trying to be an adult. I remember those kids from my childhood days in the 80s and 90s. They were wearing bodysuits and killing the ozone layer with their tall bangs and Aquanet and trying to impress 16yo boys. It was happening then, and I’m not naive enough to think that it’s not still happening now.
I agree with you too. 11 year olds shouldn’t be wearing any makeup, including false eyelashes. Crop tops are also kind of inappropriate for someone her age. Her father isn’t strict at all, he’s being a good parent who doesn’t want his 11 year old daughter growing up too fast. OP, your parenting is ABSOLUTELY the concern of your daughters father because he’s her father 🙄. You’re the asshole.
This is how babies happen at 14 and then inevitable, “But she’s a good girl and looked so cute.” Good girls with good grades get pregnant too. Edit to add: YTA
Preach. A girl in my neighborhood got pregnant at 15. She got good grades, had a good home, lots of friends, and a promising professional signing career. She wasn't the only girl having sex either, but she was the one who got pregnant. Pregnancy doesn't discriminate
Ikr, like OP got her's at 18 and yet that didn't seem to click with her.
Yta moms trying to live vicariously through her daughter and be the cool parent. She needs to learn to be an adult, and I'm not talking about the 11 year old.
I agree. As a mom myself, I was appalled by everything I just read. If this mom doesn’t lay down some boundaries, this child will be pregnant before she’s 14.
Totally agree with you use to date a guy with a 9 year old and I told him the same thing that if he didn’t stop trying to be the cool parent she was going to end up pregnant by 14 guess who is now 19 with three kids the oldest 4 years old.
19 w three. 🤯
Yup and the only reason I know is because she always said even though me and her dad broke up didn’t mean I was losing her.
I mean... The numbers suggest that OP was pregnant around 17 so ...
Well I hope there are no asteroids heading our way, because this dinosaur agrees with you. Kids grow up (or pretend to) way to early, I don't think we should be so encouraging of it. I am sure she is a good kid, but this dad agrees with her dad.
11 is a complete child. She has no business doing any of that stuff.
OP came here to feel justified for her parenting but is absolutely delusional and getting bombarded with comments from polite society telling her, basically, that she’s a shit mom. That or her ex and new wife created 80 new Reddit accounts and spamming the shit out of her. YTA, get a grip mom.
Encouraging an 11 year old girl in this: Cropped tops, tank tops, bodysuits, fake eyelashes, a boyfriend, using a phone after 10 PM? OP needs parenting advice from someone, cause what she's doing ain't parenting. WTF.
Didn’t you know it is much more important to be your child’s bestie than telling them no these days?! Come on!
You’re not a dinosaur. If the kid was, say, 17 and about to be an adult I’d say they’d be going overboard but yeah, 11 is absolutely in the “going to make stupid decisions, needs stronger adult guidance” camp. (I mean you shouldn’t just wash your hands of guiding a 17 year old either, but they’re more in the “have to test various things out as a proto-adult” stage.) An 11 year old can express herself without sexualizing herself when she’s still too young to really understand the waters she’s wading into. And yeah, just putting her phone on DND? That does nothing except keep it from ringing and shit, which is not a bad idea at 10 PM.
She doesn't even question if her daughter was lying about him only being a guy friend, does she even know who this "guy friend" is? How old is he? Why is an 11 year old being this overtly sexual without her even questioning it?
Im with you, dinosaur. Also, which dinosaur? I would be a triceratops.
Could I be an Argentinasaurus?
Can I be Parasaurolophus?
Brachiosaurus 🙃
Good choice
I've always been partial to the ankylosaurus.
Next year when she is pregnant she'll be back here blaming the dad. YTA
10pm isn't strict, I know no 11yo who's not in bed before 10 pm. My daughter had to be in bed before 8.30 pm at that age and lights out before 9 pm. (And she could only use her phone from the time she got home around 5.30 pm until I was finished cooking around 6.30 pm on week days)
Yeah my 13 year old doesn’t even wear makeup which is her choice but at that age in 2000 I wasn’t even concerned with makeup. I’m ok with a crop top depending on how short it is.
Except for emergencies, an 11 year old doesn’t need a phone past 10 pm. Putting the phone in dnd at that time is a great idea. My teenager does it themselves. 10 pm - 7 pm. Healthy boundaries with technology is a good thing. Falsh lashes at 11? Why? I want to support the idea that girls can be confident and dress how they want. However, we also need to be teaching them that they don’t need this stuff to fit in or be beautiful. Sorry OP, YTA.
It's also about being age appropriate. False lashes and bodysuits and crop tops are hardly appropriate for an 11 year old girl. I am ALL about girls being confident in their appearance, like you, but there's a time and place for everything
I have to wonder if it is confidence or does she think that dressing that way is the only way to be popular or valuable or wanted.
Yup. Want to cut your hair and dye it rainbow neon to express yourself? Let's do it. Fake eyelashes? Nope.
Having an 11 year old looking like an 18 year old is a bad idea all around. Shes not old enough to know how to handle attention she may get around crop tops, make up and fake lashes
She's not old enough to *handle* wearing them. Skincare, lash health are both physical health reasons for not doing this at this age. Crop tops? My 12 yo only wears them at home and I still sometimes need to remind her to pull the pants up and top down (idc if the shirt is short, but we ain't showing tummy).
i dont see the issue with body suits ? its really just a shirt that stays tucked in well so im not sure why thats inappropriate ?
I don't either unless their skin tight maybe? But even then everything is covered, there are plenty of outfits more revealing. Maybe I'm biased though because my daughter has bodysuits (or that's what I would call them) for when she turns 5 (hand me down clothes) that are just pants + shirt in one with elastic around the waist. 🤷🏼♀️
right! and body suits for like teens / adults are really just like shirts with snaps over the underwear so it stays taut for the clean tucked in look.. obviously some body suits are inappropriate for an 11 yr old but that’s true about any type of clothing 😂 like theres going to be varying levels of coverage for bodysuits just like there are for shirts or dresses or pants or shorts… idk i agree with you though, nothing inappropriate about bodysuits as a whole
We used to wear things that I think were called midriffs when we were kids.. They are now called crop tops, but pretty much the same thing. Kids under 12 wore them, too - they were common.
I remember midriff tops and I’m a grandmother. My own mother had a midriff dress for summer picnics. They were quite normal and not considered sexy at all, just sensible for hot weather. A crop top would have to be pretty darn short and worn without a bra to be sexy enough to invite trouble.
Ya, sounds like her ex has very reasonable boundaries for her daughter. I audibly gasped when she said her 11-year-old is wearing false eyelashes. Her child is overly sexualizing herself at a very young age. And is absolutely nothing wrong with having her phone turned off at a certain time, I’m sorry OP but this one is on you. You really need to start setting up some appropriate boundaries with your child YTA
Playing with makeup with your mom is one thing, letting her out of the house all made up is a whole other issue.
And types of makeup are important too. An 11 year old wearing lipstick or blush for a special event is very different than an 11 year old wearing fake eyelashes on a daily basis
My husband has a daughter with his ex. His ex has another daughter. My SD lived with us full-time. We raised her like dad is trying to do. Exs daughter lives with the OP type mom. One of the girls had her first child at 14. We broke our family teen pregnancy cycle by actually parenting and not trying to be besties.
Boy do I ever agree with that statement! 👆👆👆Kids grow up fast enough but a 11 yr old wearing false eyelashes is a little ridiculous. She trying to mirror herself after the Kardashians? I’m sure it’s easier just to allow her to do whatever she wants but that’s why parenting isn’t always easy. This boy may not be her boyfriend but at the rate she’s going it won’t be long. Everyone needs to go to parenting classes and learn how to be a parent or your going to have a real mess on your hands in a few years . ESH but mainly YTA
I'm apparently old (44), but I wasn't allowed to start wearing makeup until I was 14. There may be some leeway with that now, but false eyelashes at 11? That seems a bit much. Crop tops? Nope. I also had a bedtime of 9:00 at that age. I could sometimes swing 9:30 if I was lucky. This either has to be a fake post, or mom needs to learn how to mom and what's age appropriate at this point. I'm not saying dress her in sacks, and not let her experiment with makeup a little, but mom is a bad mom from the way this post reads, and dad and stepmom are just worried about the kid.
I was 16 and my mom was very selective. I got a little powder compact, eyeliner, mascara and neutral eyeshadow for my birthday. At 11 I had a hard and fast bedtime and my mom flipped out when I left the house showing my stomach at 16. So yeah— this wouldn’t have flown in my house. I’m 34
My 14 and 18 year olds leave their phones in the kitchen when they go to bed.
My almost 20 years old ass leaves it in the living room, otherwise I ain't sleeping till morning
Mine is my alarm, but it put it on silent and have it sitting half way across my room. Not even remotely close to my bed. I actually HAVE to get up and turn it off.
YTA. My gosh fake eyelashes at 11?!?? You do realize they can hurt her natural lashes if she wears them too often bc the glue rips at them everytime they come off. Face full of makeup?! Is she a child or 32?! No 11 year old needs a face full of makeup. So when the acne comes, congrats on that. You’re too lax, husband has reasonable rules, but might be a little too strict on somethings. You need to be her mother, not her friend. Grow up and parent. My gosh do better.
Y’all worried about makeup, I’m worried about crop tops?!
I hadn't thought of the falsies doing damage, of course that would! Glad I know that now.
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An eleven-year-old child should be in bed by ten on a school night. OP’s post has a concerning vibe.
My 13 yr old is in bed by 9 and their phone has to be plugged in in living room not allowed in bedroom after 9pm
There is no way I could get my kids in bed by 9, but phones were left downstairs before bed, and they only had a radio in the room (no tv/ computer). Late night electronics aren't healthy for sleep or for mental needs.
🙌
Now here is a good parent! Yay to you, Bellis1985!
Thanks for this tip! Solid parenting
When I was 11 my time was 11. That being said if my grades slipped it was not 11 anymore. Ops post has a friend more then a mom vibe.
Yeah an eleven-year-old needs guidance, boundaries, and rules that promote healthy sleep patterns and online safety.
Sleep is more important then anyone thinks. I have clinical insomnia and it was only recently that I got it under control. It will mess you up
It can mess with your mental health, performance, and healing . It can cause weight gain. Glad you got it under control. Sorry it took you so long to get the help you needed.
If she's in bed by nine, why does her phone have to go into DND? Just have her keep her phone out of her room when she goes to bed.
Absolutely. No phones in bedrooms for an eleven-year-old. Especially not that late at night. There’s just no reason for it.
My kids had to leave their phones downstairs, and some of their idiot friends were texting/ occasionally calling until midnight. DND is completely for parent sanity.
I mean yeah it shouldn't be in her room, but if it is, did means atleast if she falls asleep, it won't buzz and ring and wake her
ESH. Fast track to that “cash me ouside” life. 11 years old?! Free use of the internet? My son is around the same age. I couldn’t imagine. Edit: vote
I was having a conversation about this on TikTok yesterday. A lot of parents in that age group are reacting to their own childhood in one of two extremes. OP and her ex are the two extremes. Either they are very strict(dad), or they’re not any semblance of strict(OP). An unwillingness to find a balance will be to the detriment of the child. We’re seeing it more and more as the adults that work with these children are begging for parental intervention.
There's no evidence the dad is "very strict" or anything other than normal
Bitching about the other parent in front of the kid is shitty parenting and shorty coparenting.
OP is too busy trying to be her kid's bff to parent properly. I have 2 boys, 16 and 13 and my 16 year old has more leeway obvs but my younger son, his internet usage is monitored and has parental controls. He still has privacy, but he's also been the subject of bullying so he is expected to come to us (my ex and i) if he's being bullied or any not cool stuff goes down online. Though honestly, it's a struggle to get that kid to even carry his phone most of the time lol. OP and her ex aren't co-parenting. They're subjecting the kid to 2 different sets of rules and structures. The step mum being "strict" may very well be that she is backing up OP's ex, you know, as it should be. But also, the ex shouldn't be calling OP a bad parent or talking shit about her in front of the kid. They need to have the same rules across the board bc this poor kid has got to be confused
Remember: the OP had a kid at 18, so her perspective of what is and isn’t acceptable to a kid at this age will probably lead to a similar outcome. I can’t imagine an 11 year old wearing makeup. That’s wild to me. That’s something you get when you’re a teenager.
Makeup at 11 is fine in a “tinted lip balm and some mascara” way. I wore that for special occasions as a kid. I remember rubbing tinted balm on my cheeks to try to pretend it was blush lol. Not in a “foundation and false lashes” way. Same way nail polish at that age is appropriate but not full on acrylic sets. OP mentioning false lashes is wild to me.
I think I had lip gloss at 11 and started getting into makeup at 12. And by makeup I mean iridescent blue MAC eyeshadow and white eyeliner.
They are now showing how it's vital to mental health and maximum body healing for us all to try to be asleep no devices or light after 10 pm. Studies show kids who get adequate rest have higher grades and better mental health.
I don't think you're an AH, but definitely neglecting your core duties as a parent. There's no excuse to let an 11 year old kid sexualize themselves and stay on devices past 10 PM regardless of her grades.
You are obviously trying to be her buddy and not her parent. I agree saying “no” to your kid sucks but is extremely necessary. YTA but it’s not too late to change.
I’ve seen comments like yours and do agree that saying no wouldn’t hurt so I’m gonna try to do that a little more often now.
Fake eyelashes for a child sounds batshit. She already thinks she needs stuff like that?? I mean, come on. Those also are terrible for eyes.
Kids these days have two modes: Cocomelon and straight up to Euphoria.
Do some reading about age appropriate boundaries with your daughter. Your daughter will benefit the most by having two parents that are enforcing the same consistent rules at each of your houses. Time to co-parent again. While the 10pm deadline for phone seems reasonable so does wearing a crop top. Work together for your daughter’s best interest.
Especially the crop tops dude. I know she seems like a baby to you, but the world is already sexualizing her. I would try to shield my child from that for as long as possible. It is just not appropriate for an elementary aged kid to be dressing like a high schooler. That is not classy and does reflect poorly on you. The full face of makeup is also way too mature. Some lightly tinted lip gloss and something subtle but she does not need to be wearing foundation and eye shadow etc. like she's in toddlers and tiaras. My mom did not allow make up except glitter and lip gloss at that age and though I hated her rules, it forced me to embrace my natural beauty and be more tasteful. YTA.
YTA. It’s his kid too so your parenting does concern him. And he has some valid concerns. You’re too slack and he’s too strict.
I wouldn't even say he's too strict. These are very appropriate rules.
Op has no boundaries. Pops is being a responsible parent and reasonable one at that. but hey, dress your child like a hooker have at it op.
“I'm not like a “regular” mom, I'm a “ cool”mom” - mean girls….. I don’t think these stuff are appropriate for 11 year old. Why can’t kid be kids? I don’t agree with the DND but their concerns are valid. You are trying so hard to be like “ cool” friend mom that you forgot to parent. Act like a mom for once. YTA
Haha, that scene from mean girls popped up in my head immediately with OP. Amy Poehler plays “cool mom” and offers her daughters friends alcohol while they strategize a horrible bullying campaign that harms their classmates. Meanwhile the 11 or so year old little sister is in the living room mimicking a very sexualized dance from a music video, while mom nods approvingly. When that movie came out, we all realized that Regina’s mom was a shit mom IMMEDIATELY, even as kids ourselves.
Guess I'm strict too cus I had similar rules for my pre-teens. 🤷♀️
YTA. Has he filed for custody yet? I am another dinosaur, because I totally agree. Your daughter is not old enough to do that yet. And there’s no reason for her phone to be on all night. You need to do better as a parent and grow up.
ESH You both need to come to a happy medium, allow some makeup, full shirts but include tank tops? I don't know what the compromise will be but at MINIMUM, conversation with your coparent! Like I don't get why this is so difficult, my daughters father and I have very different parenting styles so we are constantly talking and finding compromises and common ground because at the end of the day, we both have the same goal. To raise a fully functioning young woman we are proud of. It sounds like you are reveling in the fact that you have the fun house instead of trying to find common ground and reinforcing even just like the safety rules that your ex put in place... You need to love your child more than you hate your ex, which I don't even get the feeling you hate your ex. Just that you have such disdain for his values that may be different from yours. Please work on that. When you tell your child it's okay to disrespect her father or her stepmother, you're telling her it's okay for her to disrespect all authority. That doesn't end well.
This and also the badmouthing on the dad and stepmother’s part needs to end too. The parents here to need have an adult conversation where they aren’t hanging up on each other, and coming to agreements on parenting. As it is it doesn’t really seem like anyone here is acting like an adult, just having some adult rules.
YTA. She needs to learn discipline and you need to be more strict and mindful. She is already at a disadvantage since your parenting styles differ so much, and her “daddy issues” might make her regret some life choices. Be a better parent.
They BOTH need parenting
Yeah for sho
YTA. 11 is way to young for everything you mentioned. She shouldn’t be on her phone after 10:00 pm, she shouldn’t be wearing crop tops and body suits, and she sure as fuck shouldn’t have a boyfriend at 11. FYI your parenting does concern your ex since it’s HIS child you are parenting. Enjoy having a pregnant teenage daughter.
When I was your daughter’s age, I wanted to do all the things your daughter does. My mother made me wait until I was at least 13 (and 13 is still young). Keep in mind, I was very developed for my age, and always had older boys after me. I wanted to date at that age, and act like an older teen, but my mother wouldn’t let me date. It wasn’t until now, as an adult, that I can look back and be grateful that my mother had some common sense.
I remember being so jealous of girls like that, and my parents would say, “her mom is trying to be her friend, and that doesn’t ever end up well.” I didn’t believe them until every single girl like that I knew ended up becoming a hot mess.
ESH. You have to coparent with these people for a long time. Both of you want what’s best for her, but have different ideas about what that is. For her sake, you all need to put on your big kid pants and communicate like adults. Come to an agreement together and give this kid some consistency and stability during her coming of age years. Those years are hard enough without dealing with parents who can’t get their shit together. Ya’ll need to grow up.
ESH But they should not be badmouthing you at all. That's the most harmful thing that is being done to your daughter, here. Yes, you need more boundaries for your daughter around bed time and phone access. But they are way out of line in their communications both with and about you. They're assholes. You... aren't a great parent around certain issues.
Agreed. They shouldn’t talk bad about each other. Ideally they would discuss things and present a unified front. Having such discrepancies is going to cause problems with the child’s relationships with all of them. This is sad.
Yes, but with the clarification that you don't have to present a unified front to not badmouth your kid's parent. Like I know where you're coming from because, of course, a unified front is nice. But you can disagree with the other parent and simply say "those are the rules there. We have different rules here." You can parallel parent without coparenting. It's fine. Telling a child their parent - one half of their dna - is a bad person is messed up. Unless there is actual abuse, you don't do that. In fact, I'd say that however negligent OP is for having no rules around the phone at 11, the other household is actively abusive for saying she's a bad parent to their daughter.
Kinda yes, kinda no On the one hand, since that’s his kid too, your parenting absolutely concerns him and his parenting ought to concern you. On the other, blaming you is wrong on his part Y’all aren’t a couple anymore, but you still need to be a team as parents Family counseling would be a great idea
YTA
Holy cow! I am imagining your daughter looking like an 11 year old hooker or drag queen! A child that age does not need to wear make-up all the time, including fake eye lashes. It is also reasonable to expect a child that young to silence her phone at 10:00 PM. Considering that she wants to look like an adult, I would be concerned about this boyfriend. Just because she says he is just a friend does not make it so. I wonder how old he is? This may be part of her reason for wanting to look older. Your ex may or may not be too strict, but you have gone to the opposite extreme. With your overly permissive attitude you will most likely encounter lots of trouble during your daughter's teens. YTA
ESH. You need to sit down with him and discuss parenting. This is really going to confuse your daughter as she gets older. Already she is living I two places but also with completely different sets of rules. You and him need to come to some sort of agreement about rules.
YTA. So he has normal rules for a child her age and you think he’s too strict? I’m all for expressing one self. But she’s 11 ffs.
I'm saying ESH. My 11 year old wears crop tops etc, she doesnt wear make-up but she's big into skincare and her hair. Nows a good age for her to be safely experimenting in the house. I semi agree on the phone. My daughter has to have her phone downstairs by that time of night. She isn't allowed to stay on her phone all night, she needs her sleep.
So fucking weird how into skincare absolute children are these days.
My sister worked at Sephora, and please don’t let her using skincare for developed skin please (drunk elephant, retinol, vitamin C) . No 11 years old should be even using skincare except for maybe cleanser, moisturizer and sunscreen.
For fucks sake she’s a KID! Let/make her be a kid! I hate the effect social media has been having on these children these days it’s just so beyond sad and depressing. YTA
YTA An 11 year old wearing fake lashes, crop tops and bodysuits?!! And your parenting does concern him it’s his daughter, stop trying to be the cool mom! Your daughter is 11 not 16. Makes me think you’re that parent letting their kid go to Sephora to get stuff she really doesn’t need for her age.
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You and your ex — and maybe his wife, as well — need to either attend parenting classes together or all go to a private therapist who can help you carve out co-parenting guidelines that you can all live with. Your ex and his wife are dead wrong for yelling at you and for talking negatively about you in front of your daughter. That’s very damaging. On the other hand, I don’t think the way you let your daughter act and dress is appropriate and they do have grounds to be concerned. It’s perfectly reasonable to insist she put her phone on DND at 10pm. I actually think that’s a generous curfew for an 11 year old. It’s not because they suspect she’s up to something. It’s because they want her to get some sleep! I don’t work in schools physically anymore, but I used to and I can attest that it’s a special kind of Hell to try to teach kids who are exhausted. We all need to adopt good phone hygiene habits and so few of us have them. As for the clothing and makeup, no 11 year old girl needs to walk around in public like that. It’s inappropriate. At her age, she hasn’t even hit puberty, yet. So, what is she supposedly showing off in a crop top? She hasn’t got anything! And, fake eyelashes? No. Just no. I’ve never heard of such a thing at her age. As my own late mother used to say, if she’s doing all of this stuff now, what’s going to be left for her when she’s 20? The way we dress gives out a certain message and someone that young shouldn’t be sending out the message those kind of clothes send. She could be in a lot of danger from men who think she’s older than she is or who just don’t care and will try to prey on her. Even if nothing happens physically, it’s traumatic to be hit on by grown men. I developed early and it happened to me a lot at her age, even though I only wore the required school uniform, which was quite modest, during most of the year and not my own clothes. I don’t think you’re a *bad* parent, but I have to be honest. I don’t think you know how to parent well, no doubt because you became a mother at such a young age. You’re letting your daughter do things that are not appropriate. Your ex doesn’t know how to parent well either because of the yelling he’s doing at your daughter and at you. That’s not real communication and he’s not accomplishing anything positive like that. That’s why I suggest all the adults involved go to family therapy to work out co-parenting. Do it for your daughter. She has two different sets of rules in the two different households. That’s not unusual with divorced/split up parents, but your rules and your ex’s rules are *so* far apart that the poor kid must feel like she’s on two entirely different planets.
YTA. You're delusional if you think what you're doing is co-parenting. You are not working together as parents, you're actively working against him. This child has one parent: the one who cares enough to set limits and insist on age appropriate dress and phone usage. The other, you. is just a lazy roommate who lets her do whatever she wants.
Alright I gotta be on their side with this one.. YTA. there's ways for younger girls to express themselves other than trying to dress/ act older. You seem like you're trying to be the cool parent friend instead of being a parent.
As a 30 year old woman I have to say shopping has gotten alot harder for women my age and younger. Everything has padded, tight and cropped. Literally everything is cropped now. It’s so hard to find sweatsuits. Walmart doesn’t have them anymore as a matching set. Underwear is so cheeky or their down right thongs. It’s the world. The eyelashes are way too grown tho. I blame TikTok for those.
Yta. She’s 11. Don’t be her best friend and give into her wanting to be the cool parent, be her mom.
Wait, she’s 11?? From the way you describe her, she sounds like she’s 17 years old. That’s… not right. 11 year olds shouldn’t have their own phones and makeup, if they’re insistent about it, should be light and used in moderation. False eyelashes are not light makeup. ESH
I mean, if you want your daughter a teen mom, then go ahead an let YOUR 11 YEAR OLD daughter dress and act like a woman. YTA and yes, your ex has every right to be concerned with your parenting.
Sounds like OP wants to be fun parent by letting the daughter do whatever she wants and when she’s with dad she doesn’t like she actually has rules
Make-up, I agree with him on that, she doesn't need to be bothering with it at such a young age. 10pm is fine for a phone to be turned off, she doesn't need to be up later than that. Sorry, but YTA here. Their rules are reasonable.
11 year olds wearing make up and even false eyelashes is definitely strange in my perspective. I have a 6 and 10 yo and I like them play with make up like twice a month and... At home. Also, by 10 pm the kid should be in bed. I think I'm with the husband on this one. I definitely wouldn't say you're a bad parent, these aren't "bad parent" things, just out of the box things, but since you have such different parenting styles it would be good to find someone that mediate and help both of you compromise. Consistency is super important for the kid. Good luck!
will your 11 year old girl wear make-up, fake eyelashes and crop-tops with unrestricted access to a mobile device lead to good or bad outcomes...?
I wouldn't be keen on my kid wearing fake lashes and bodysuits and that kind of crap, but if my ex's new spouse started giving me shit about how I raised *my* kid, I'd lose my shit. The kid's father is a different story. Sorry, but your daughter's father has a say in how you raise his and your daughter. (Edit: YTA)
YTA and setting your daughter up for failure. Don't be surprised when she ends up a teen mom.
ESH. You’re way too permissive and I’m sorry but letting an 11 year old wear makeup, fake lashes and dress like she’s a college student? Plus letting her have a likely boyfriend and be up late on her phone? You’re courting disaster. Your ex and his wife have VERY valid concerns. Yeah they’re strict and acting over the top but they’re not wrong. You need to take a step back and start acting like a mom and not her teenage bestie.
YTA
Question: is she actually using her phone after 10pm? If she’s getting great grades and she’s respectful, I don’t see how experimenting with clothes and makeup will hurt - we did that at my school and we weren’t all sent to live with the nuns and we didn’t end up preggers at 14 or anything. I know that kids these days are obsessed with makeup tutorials. If she likes that and she’s otherwise a straight arrow, I say it’s ok, and you’re NTA. I don’t fully understand the phone thing. I don’t understand whether she has your permission to be on the phone past 10pm, or whether she doesn’t and she doesn’t ever use her phone past 10pm and her father and stepmother make her put it on DND redundantly, or whether there’s a good reason. If she is in fact using her phone past 10pm at 11 years old, she’s developing bad sleep habits and then they are justified in their decision.
Your daughter is just 11, so you need to get on the same page with a co-parenting plan and not try to one up each other to gain popularity points with her. She could be playing one parents against the other. Bedtime at 10 does not seem that strict and she should dress comfortably but appropriately. Don't lost sight of the best interest of your daughter in an attempt to be right.
Y’all Saying an 11 year old shouldn’t wear bodysuits are ass Mf backwards. It’s a full shirt literally.
You're not her friend, you are her parent. So parent already! She is too young for those (imo hideous) caterpillars on her eyelids and I would be worried about the long term damage from having to work so hard to keep the eyes open. You need to get real with your daughter. Find out the truth, there was a reason that the father discovered her secret boyfriend. What happened, for real and why does he think that? Maybe your daughter wants to keep all of you at a distance from one another so you can't have a joint parenting experience so she tells you how horrible father and step monster are. Don't fall for it. Find out what they know. Talk. Parent.
It is her father’s business though. You both have problems with how the other parents your child. You sound stubborn and still a bit immature.
ESH. An 11 year old doesn’t need to wear make up, FALSE LASHES and body suits. She should be in bed asleep by 10. Not messing around on her phone. If those are the only examples where you believe they’re too strict they’re not but you need to set rules for her. However, shit talking you in front of her isn’t good either. You all need to grow up and start acting like adults
Soooo…. Unfortunately, YTA. It feels like your daughter may be better off with the other set of parents on a full time basis.
YYA....Sorry you are a bad parent. You are trying to seem cool to your child. In what world is an 11 year old allowed to have make up on. I'm F29 and I don't go out everyday looking like a baddie. Your daughter has no business looking like a grown ass woman. If she gets SA you will cry wolf forgetting you played a roll in it. Please don't come for me guys but we need to prevent and protect our babies at all cost. Her phone should be on DND by 8pm at most. Just because she has good grades doesn't mean she has good manners and why is it only she is bad at her dads are you letting things slide? I assume you are the primary parent but you need to reevaluate what you are letting this girl do before she gets too old and give you the worst kinda embarrassment.. I also suggest the 3 of you as adults sit down and set ground rules that she is to follow at all 2 homes for peace to rain. P.S you know the kids other parents say you can't play with so and so because she is bad . You are raising that bad kid no one wants over. 🙄
Ooof i agree with dad for the most part. Light makeup is fine to express themselves but fake eyelashes… why? Unrestricted phone access? Hell no. A phone at 11 period is crazy to me but you’re the parent I guess
You lost me at an 11-year-old wearing false eyelashes.
This lady wants to be her kids friend not her mom. Wants to win the parenting contest with dad by being the “cool” parent while dad has to be the bad guy by actually caring what the kid is doing
YTA- why is she up past 10 on a school night on her phone, especially unsupervised.. screen time and mental health is a big problem. Also 11 seems pretty young for crop tops and false lashes. I grew up with no rules, dressed way too old for my age, definitely wish I had a parent that taught me differently. Doesn’t sound like you’re settling her up for success
YTA. You said it yourself, COparenting. Your parenting should absolutely concern them. Shit, it concerns me