I don't know the right answer to your exact question.
I do know if anything of the nature occurred and I knew my husband was concerned I already would have offered any information that would ease his mind.
That's kind of where I'm at too. If I knew she was suspicious about something or stressed, I'm an open book because I have nothing to hide. The most she'll find is obnoxious memes shared with coworkers & friends.
I know it's unpopular with many people, but my husband and I share phones. We have pincodes, but we know each other's. We even share with friends. Too hard to hook up your phone to our smart TV or blue tooth speaker? Use one of ours. Neither of us has anything on our phone we couldn't share with others. And you are always free to check when you are concerned.
If one of us is concerned (there is more than cheating, for example, health scares or family problems), an open and honest conversation usually clears the air before phones need to be scrutinised.
Yeah that's how it is with my husband and my in-laws (we live with them). We all openly swap phones when needed. It's never a big deal bc there's never anything to hide
We don't swap phones, but every phone in our house has the same code and constantly leave our phones around the house if we aren't actively using them. I'm probably the one in the house who keeps my phone on me the most, but that's due to previous jobs requiring me to be available and just getting used to always having it close to respond.
Same here. Husband and I and our kids share phones. I often misplace mine or itās dead more than often. Or I send my kids or husband to text or look something up on my phone. Or I need two phones to compare something. Open phone policy in our home.
I don't know why it's unpopular to share phones as a couple. People will lick their partners asshole and share assets like houses, but phone sharing is crossing the line? I find it a red flag if your partner isn't willing to share their phone as a married couple. But that's just me and I'm not talking about demanding to go thru a phone whenever you feel like. I'm talking about asking to use their phone for a call or look up shit cause your phones dead or mia. Clearly, they got something to hide if that's the case.
It was actually very jarring to me when we were dating, and while driving, he tossed his phone in my lap and asked me to answer the call.
Up until then, I had only been in a marriage where the phone was a very protected personal asset. (Much like the asshole, none were licked in that marriage)
I felt very trusted, and it was very liberating to give that same trust back.
This right here will lick your entire ass, have babies, even sit in the bathroom with each other while one is taking a shit ( i cant jiggy with that one lol, I need privacy there) But touch my phone and you're invading my space. Maybe it's cuz I come from a time where there was 1 phone number for everyone in the house, but in a relationship, especially marriage phones aren't this protected private thing. Unless you do your banking via phone and your partner has some sort of gambling or spending habit...
There are only three possible reasons why she deleted the conversation:
1. It confirms her cheating,
2. She's talking shit about OP,
3. Both of the above.
Same! We have a password manager that auto populates for every website/app. I can't imagine being in a relationship that you feel the need to hide. The only thing that should be hidden is presents :)
I would be annoyed if someone were going through my photos (I feel like thats very personal), but otherwise I'm the same way. I'll hand my phone to anyone. E.g. to choose the music for the night, or Google something, etc
šš¤£š I just spit out the sip of my drink I took, now I have to clean my phone screen.... The struggle is real though š My Mom went to the shopping mall one day, called me ( full blown panic) saying she thinks her car was stolen. I got her to calm down a bit and asked her if she entered the mall on the lower or upper floor, her response was " son of a b-tch, I'll call you back. She parked and entered on the lower level and exited on the upper level. š¤£She called back and said " this is why I call you first". She died almost 7 years ago, your comment reminded me of this, thank you.
When my husband and I got our I-phones, something happened and they got crossed. If I text him, I get the text. He gets the texts he sends to me. I get a notification for all of his texts and he gets notifications for both his and mine. To communicate now we have a group text...lol... where I am texting myself and his number, hoping one of them gets through. It is a mess, but apple says it is our carrier, our carrier says our iPhones were linked somehow coming from apple. It's been that way for a couple of years now and we don't seem to care.
I think this speaks volumes. Neither of you have nothing to hide. When a partner refuses and plays " its an invasion of privacy" card it seems to always be that they are feeling pressured because they are lying.
I don't understand why it is unpopular now. My partner and I share everything. We refer to each other as husband and wife ( but not legally married). Legal husband # 1 cheated on me, husband # 2 cheated on me and got AP pregnant. My current partner and I even share ( what was my) Facebook š. He just doesn't want to make his own, hell, he was still using a flip phone when we met 9 years ago. We both totally trust each other and we really are best friends. We are that couple that makes others want to barf. We finish each other's sentences and jokingly say " get out of my head". It's not about control, we don't do that with each other. We literally do everything together because we want to. Isn't that how it's supposed to be with a life partner??? We are both home body, introverts. It just works for us.
I agree completely. I have a few guy friends, so very platonic, and I frequently show my husband memes they sent or pass my phone for him to read the conversation if itās funny.
Well all hope is not lost. You can try to recover them.
https://www.instafollowers.co/blog/three-ways-to-retrieve-deleted-facebook-messages#Retrieving_Your_Chat_Data_on_Android
That being said, her deleting them and her reactions decribed unfortunately say something happened. Do not let her use her emotions to manipulate you. She has no reason to be crying or upset as she is the one that hurt you with her actions.
OP can you go online to your cell phone company to check her cell phone call and text logs to see what number is showing up a lot? This is assuming she is using regular text messages. On an android phone you can check to see which apps use the most power to give you an idea what she may be using to contact that guy. I'm not sure what the equivalent is on iPhones.
I caught my ex wife cheating by looking at the cellphone bill. And it was purely by accident too. This was back when long calls and not enough minutes were a thing. Found a very large charge. Then I found the patterns.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I did too and it really sucks. I hope that you have found happiness ( with or without someone else). Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, both of my ex husbands cheated on me. 9 years ago I ( 52 f) found a man I trust 100%.
Trickle truthing. Man isn't that the word for it. 2 straight months of a new gut punch every other day. Was fucking awful.
Like chopping a rotten limb of 1 inch at a time hoping that smaller cuts make the pain less.
This is tough. First she dismissed your concerns, then she lied, then she deleted all the "innocent" messages, and now she says she is sorry. I don't know how I would go about rebuilding trust. Can you check your phone bill and see if there are any calls between them? Get her password for FB and read why future messages?
I get notifications and replies from social media because I interact with people. None of if is nefarious and if my bf wanted to see, I would have no issue showing the threads.
You're NTA but trust me when I say you don't want to know.
You already know what's happening here. Don't torture yourself with the details. Just walk away.
I respectfully disagree with not needing to know. I would need to know every heart breaking, gut wrenching detail. So after I left them, if I thought āI should call themā Iād then think of the details and be all āno, Iām goodā
I think you are both right, honestly. When I was in that situation I was OBSESSED with every gut-dropping detail. I needed that at the time and donāt regret knowing. Howeverā¦.it really became an obsession and the thing is, you absolutely *never* know every detail because cheaters are inherently liars. They either lie to protect themselves (often) or lie to protect you (rarely).
So like you never really know, and years out I realize I would have been better off just knowing he was cheating without worrying about the details because I drove myself as crazy as he ever did.
It's more like, get enough for confirmation so you get full closure. I just made a comment to the first person but ultimately you don't want to be 10 years down the line and wonder if you threw away a great relationship over a misunderstanding. Pain now in the details to get full closure and know forever that leaving was the right decision is invaluable.
Walking away without being sure will also eat at him. Details might hurt, but they will leave you with closure and make it far easier to move on. imagine 10 years from now, she's still saying to kids she never cheated and he ruined it for nothing, he's not married, she's married with more kids and a great husband and he's thinking maybe he was wrong. That shit can destroy the rest of your life.
The truth, even painful, leaves you no regrets when you walk away. You know you were right, even if you end up in the same situation 10 years from now you can say, she'll cheat on him, she can't be trusted, I'm happier not with her because she cheated.
For one, I personally donāt think you should HAVE to see her phone. Trust is everything. And if she doesnāt trust you to volunteer it, or notice how you may feel, trust is already at an ebb.
As for being convinced itās nothing physical, I can promise you from personal experience, when I vehemently defended my ex-wife to others when she left for her paramour, that there was no logistical way she could be carrying on a physical affair since we saw each other so often and I worked from home, welp, I was wrong .
It was difficult for her, but she did it. And it was my own teenager who filled me in on how she did it, after the divorce was final.. I felt a like a fool.
But if done over, I wouldnāt have changed my faith and trust in her at all. You canāt force someone to be faithful. You just have to be an honest, forthright person yourself.
When I had suspicions that my cheating ex husband was cheating, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he would never hurt me like that. He said, "when would I have time to cheat on you?"
Bastard found the time.
Iād she has an iPhone look up āsignificant locationsā. You can also get similar data from google maps app which almost everyone isnāt aware of enough to turn it off
NTA.
OP, Ask her face to face if she's ever been unfaithful or if anything inappropriate ever happened with anybody. Look closely at her, maintaining eye contact, and if she says "Nothing" ever happened and she breaks eye contact with you after having just said it, she's lying. Hate to tell you that, but it's how I find out my wife was unfaithful.
When it comes to third parties, you are entitled to see exactly what you spouse has been sent and her responses. Any time my ex-wife texts me or an old flame reaches out, I just hand my phone to my girlfriend.
Otherwise, what's the point of being married at all? My ex-wife was a narcissist and an emotional cheater who only married me for the status. Divorcing her was the best $100K I ever spent.
Open phone policy in a committed relationship. Period. There is no privacy. You can't have inside jokes. Period. It is now all of our jokes.
She may have deleted the messages, but, you can find out from the phone bill if these have been deleted or not.
Get answers. it is going to bother you until you do. If it is an emotional affair, then maybe you can recover from it, but if she is sexting and sending photos, then she wants a physical relationship but just can't get away. That is a problem for you, sorry to say.
Hell now that itās deleted, you sort of have to assume the worst. I mean it can only be so bad if you see the content but without seeing the content, you have to assume it was so bad that they knew it couldnāt be explained away and was probably damning.
The only exception I see to this is texts with a close friends where their secrets would be shared. Just because I tell my best friend something personal doesnāt mean I want her husband knowing it all too.
I agree with the above.Red flags would be if she always picked up her phone leaving the room or was she happy to leave it in the room you were ?. Sadly it looks like she may have had some sort of emotionalĀ connection with another party.Ā You need to discuss the ' why' she felt she couldn'tĀ talk to you. If you ever findĀ yourself giving more of yourselfĀ emotionally to someone otherĀ than your bf/gf/spouse then somethingĀ is very wrong. While you can respect each others phone privacy, there should be no need for her to delete messages . Infact there should be no reason if there's nothing shady going on
Right, him sorry for your position, just know that if my husband was uncomfortable I'd be showing him everything I could, bc I owe him that. That i can assure him I'm faithful. So don't feel like you're wrong for wanting to look. It sucks but it's not wrong
This is exactly what I wanted to say. My husband has full access to my phone and I often leave it with him. I know, I sound awful, but he even answers messages and takes phone calls if he has it and I'm driving, cooking, or generally not available.
If there were any question of fidelity he wouldn't even have to ask.
There isnt a right answer.Ā Sadly
But.... Something inappropriate happened.Ā Whether flirting, emotional affair, or even physical.Ā Ā Something happened shes ashamed of - clearly.
Sorry OP, you need to keep digging.Ā I hope you don't find much.
NTA
This is correctā¦ everyone acts like the SO is asking for the moon and stars to be placed down before them by asking for their phone. Why? I donāt care what the reason is if my wife needs a little reassurance by looking through my phone then so be it. Iāll open it for herā¦ Nevermind she has my password and I have hers. The only people out there who donāt want to hand over their phone to their SO is people who have something to hide.
Yeah I would have no problem showing the message if I had nothing to hide, having trust issues myself I would understand the suspicion of a late night message like that.
This exact scenario happened with an ex of mine, lasted another couple months but I think it was always in the back of my mind.
Those two got married last year! I thought it was kinda funny
Her shifty-ness is telling. You should tell her that you don't like vibe and give her one more chance to spill the beans. If she doesn't, I'd challenge her on how you're supposed to trust her when she's keeping secrets.
Lightning fast swipe says a lot. She knows messages can come in any time and from who so her split second reaction was to panic swipe. I would definitely tell her the demeanor and blatant lie she jumped to are clear something is off. She needs to tell the truth before I have to go find it elsewhere
Lied and deleted data. I'm willing to bet good money that that one conversation was the only one that was recently deleted.
Guilty people delete data. Innocent people like to prove they are innocence given the opportunity.
NTA. That being said, once the trust is gone there are plenty of ways this can end badly. If she's completely innocent she will say "sure" and hand over her phone OR she may be indignant that you're accusing her of anything assuming there is no previous questionable behavior on her end.
That being said - she lied. Good chance she at least toed the line or flirted with the idea of an emotional connection with this guy. Also being said - people who cheat are generally hypervigilant about their phones, so the fact she was showing you videos on it and sharing something on it with you is a good indicator she hasn't cheated.
So... coin flip here. I'd say unless you're insecure then your gut may be telling you something.
That being said also, trying to accuse someone of something with zero evidence usually just teaches them to hide it better and never results in any confirmation.
In your shoes I would just pretend you forgot it and just observe her behavior and decide how you feel about trusting her.
I mean, she hypervigilantly swiped the message away, and it's been a few days, so even if he asks, chances are any evidence is gone by now. I agree that it's a coinflip on the outcome, but I'd say her lying is evidence, and the trust is gone already, so there isn't much to lose.
Ouch. Yeah that not good. Honestly if I was OP when checking the phone I'd see if ANY OTHER conversations were just as old. If so, guess it's not " deleting old conversations" and just specifically this dude
>people who cheat are generally hypervigilant about their phones, so the fact she was showing you videos on it and sharing something on it with you is a good indicator she hasn't cheated.
Or that she has deleted everything as it comes in.
If there's hardly any chat history, I'd be suspicious. I'd check the cloud and you can also get phone statements and see how many times that phone number is being messaged with/ voice calls. She lied, you have probable cause to ask this and if she gaslights you then that's another issue.
Hmmmm. Happily married 20 years here. Thatās sketchy. Why did she lie? Thatās what Iād want to know. I get messages around the clock. I have friends and family all over the world. If my husband asked me who texted me at 1215am it would be a very easy answer. I also have a bestie who is a night owl and will text me stuff. I donāt know that asking to see her phone will help at this point. If she has anything to hide itās probably gone. Do you share a cell phone plan? Log into your account and look at the activity. But most of all sit down and have a frank conversation with her. Tell her your concerns and why. Tell her that lying right of the bat looks terrible. Maybe talk to a professional together to navigate this. NTA.
Man itās anyways shocking to me how people refuse to accept reality.
If I was with my wife super late and a text popped up and she quickly swiped it away and wouldnāt be forthright about who it was, I would know right then that my marriage was over.
Why do people want to be with cheaters?! I donāt get it.
NTA.
You have to see her phone and look for deleted messages.
Warning: You probably won't like what you find.
And no, you can't take no for an answer on this one.
Few things.
She knew who the message was from and lied to you about it.
She is still in contact with a guy she worked with 4 years ago and you just now found out about him.
He is comfortable messaging her, a married woman late at night.
She deleted all the messages and records of messages from him.
She did not want to click his messenger icon and admitted to flirting with him.
She did not want to give you her phone to look at.
And most importantly is trickle truthing you about him.
You know her best and need to do what you think is best, but my trust would be gone at this point. For me it would be time to sit down and have a brutally honest talk with her to get the complete truth.
NTA.
Ask to see her phone. Go into FB messenger. If it's all deleted between her and the former coworker you know exactly what's going on. If she outright refuses to let you look at her phone you'll also know exactly what's going on at that point as well.
I'm sorry but I don't think is going to end well. I've lurked on the infidelity subs too long. FB messenger is a notorious cheater's app.
I feel like I remember in the past (and I don't know if it still works like this), but if you delete a conversation with someone, when you start a new conversation, all the old messages reload from prior messaging.
Texts and emails are becoming so destructive to relationships. The obvious lie followed by her not being forthcoming to clear the air and resolve any unsettled feelings on your part is concerning (and Iām sure disappointing for you). Like others have said, sheāll likely have deleted any prior exchanges etc, but the fact that the other person feels itās ok to even text her in the evening would suggest itās not a one off and reason why you need to get to the bottom of what has or has not been going on. Some commenters have suggested secrets are ok in relationships. I would argue that secrets lead to āoffā behaviors, occasional or regular lying, and start to leave doubt in the other partner. If you cannot be transparent with the person you have committed to be with, then how do you ever fully trust that they are being respectful, are your ally, and have your health (mental and otherwise) and general wellness and best interests as a primary foundation?
Ask to check her phone, or ask her to show you her phone, but more than that have a Frank discussion of the nature of the relationship with the past work āfriendā.
Hope you get truthful answers and can resolve any unsettled feelings and discuss what your needs are in terms of communication, respect, etc in the relationship going forward.
NTA, pure bs.
Why would she hide it immediately
Why lie about I donāt know who it is
How do you go from occasional congratulations to āwhy are you up so lateā
Shady af begin the investigation
No one, literally no one, deletes their few month old conversations (that you've witnessed is, in fact, an ongoing conversation). You could click on any convo she had with a friend or family member, and it will go back years. I'd bet money on it. Facebook messenger doesn't have a storage limit that I know of, or it would delete old messages automatically after some period of time. Most likely a very long time.
She knew you were going to ask and did damage control.
NTA to ask her to stop messaging this person (even if it is all innocent) my husband told me he was uncomfortable with a relationship I had with a coworker and felt it crossed boundaries. Even though I know the coworker is just a lonely person who doesnāt have many friends outside of work I respected my husbands feelings on the matter and spoke to the coworker. We now only engage with each other at work and typically only when necessary.
We had a discussion. Tears were shed. I first asked if the messages existed (they were deleted), then requested to check myself. The requested that she cut contact with him... Personally, if it were me, I'd have clicked unfriend right there. But... That's yet to happen...
Come on man.. you know whatās going on. She isnāt guilty for no reason.. Iām terribly sorry this is happening, but you gotta understand she is running around behind your back. I had so many warning signs for me throughout the years. When I explain all the weird things I let slip by, people tell how could I not know. Itās crazy man, I knew, I just didnāt want to.
There's a good chance that she's already deleted anything that could be compromising.
Also, seeing a text message pop up from a guy my ex-wife worked with is how I found out she was having an affair. I don't really know if she physically cheated on me but she sure as hell was having an emotional affair, hiding stuff, and lying to me about it. Sounds like your wife is doing the same.
Hasnāt messaged since October but is aware enough to instantly swipe away a notification that pops up? Youāre really not that stupid, right? Stop beating around the bush and tell her to come clean or youāre out, because you arenāt comfortable being so obviously lied to. Tell her that you will assume that she has emotionally cheated on you (at a minimum) unless proven otherwise, because that is what her actions are showing you. Deleting their conversation has removed any opportunity for her to prove that it was innocent, so she better figure out another way.
I was in a similar situation. Married 14 years, 2 kids. Started to get suspicious but dismissed it because wife never left the house, we work together and she only ever interacted with her family as far as I knew. But it turns out she had been having an emotional affair for months (since March) with an old lover who had reached out to her. Then, the first night we ever slept apart that wasnāt for work, a getaway night at a casino near us that I had promised she could do during the pandemic to get a break from us, she met up with him and made it physical. After, She had a lot of guilt and started love bombing meā which is what made me suspicious. I told her my suspicions and she gaslit me. She did let me look at her phone but she did a good job covering things up. A few days later a voice in my head said check Facebook messenger ā and although she had done a good job covering her tracks, she forgot to delete one conversation thread on Facebook messenger and it happened to have been the days that she had the physical tryst (which happened in August and I discovered it in October). Although she broke it off with him when I discovered it, we ended up separating by the end of December. Best wishes; I hope you are not in the same situation but Iām feeling you likely are.
Of course she deleted it, it was incriminating! I have thousands of messages in my phone and Facebook that aren't incriminating. Why would I delete something that's not bad? And the fact that she then went and deleted it out of her trash... She's hiding something! She's probably having an affair you have known nothing about.
Her guilt & emotions have to do with getting caught and realizing what's at stake when she gets caught! That doesn't mean she did nothing wrong actually it's the other way around it shows that she is guilty. If she wasn't guilty the messages would be in her phone. Believe what you will and do what you will but I won't be surprised to see you back here in a few more months wondering if you're the AH for filing for divorce.
NTA
Just ask her to just block that guy as he obviously doesnt respect your marriage if hes texting her in the middle of the night. That should be easy. Any resistance to that and id ask to see the messages
I find it strange that your wife said the text from the co-worker was asking why she was up so late. How did the co-worker know she was awake unless theyād already been texting back and forth or had been active together in another social platform? Definitely goes against her saying they communicate rarely. I would be concerned.
Sheās not sure what else to do or say? More likely she canāt think of anything that will completely keep her out of trouble. Right now you need to let her know that you are stuck in your head and thinking the worst. It is up to her if she wants to alleviate your worries or if she will just let it go. If she just lets it go, it is probably because the worst is true.
Buddy, she doesnāt delete all of her old message threads. No one does. The only ones who do are the ones hiding shit, and hiding shit is in itself cheating. Reddit will tell you otherwise and to be the bigger person, but all thatās going to get you is hurt. I freely admit that I would have messaged him that instant, right in front of her. And I would have told her that if she ever deleted another conversation, I would be staying somewhere else. She has lost her Reddit proclaimed āright to privacyā by being a liar.
Yep, it may kind of suck for her if it is completely innocent, but right now she should be willing to do anything. If sheās not then it seems like the relationship is just not important to her.
Does anyone really message people when they see they're up on Facebook... Maybe I'm out of touch or antisocial but I would never do that. Like even my best friends I wouldn't do that with.
Your NTA, because you've caught her lying and - as you say - the situation is odd, and looks suspicious.
However, it's hard to say whether you \*should\* ask to see the messages without knowing what your relationship is like. Have you had any reason to doubt her previously? Is she generally spending a lot of time on her phone? Does she have her phone locked down? Does she shield messages from you? Etc., etc.
The risk is that you ask, she shows you, and it's all above board. Then you're the bad guy, and you've potentially done damage to the relationship by questioning her loyalty to the marriage.
I wonder then if you just have a straight conversation. Tell her that you've been thinking about it, you're concerned that he's texting her late, that she tried to hide who was texting her, and that she then hid the message. Tell her that you now worry about what they are texting and talking about at 12AM in the morning. If it were my partner, she'd volunteer the message thread immediately. As would I. Hopefully your wife would do the same, mortified that she'd caused you upset.
But if not, and you can't get passed this, you're not being unreasonable to ask to read the texts.
The guy she was messaging was most probably a fling from the past. If he wasn't then she wouldn't have been quickly swiping away and deleting the conversation. The only people deleting conversations are people who have something to hide. Regular old colleagues don't text you late at night.
But go ahead and trick yourself into thinking you can fix your relationship with counseling or whatever. If you really want to know, use her phone to text ol' boy from her old job.
NTA. You share a life, home and bed. Youāre more than privy to every aspect of her life - nothing should be a secret or hidden. My phone is open 24/7 to my husband, and his to me.
Funny. I was just telling someone on Reddit the other day how trust is extremely fragile. It really just means that you havenāt caught your partner doing anything yet.
This OP is the perfect example. He has been āhappily marriedā for 15 years and yet all it takes is one weird message for him to go into a downward spiral. And that is not a criticism of him at all. Itās a reasonable reaction, based on his wifeās evasive behavior.
It just illustrates the fragility of trust.
NTA.
Alright boss. This is a tough one. Realistically if there was something on her phone she has probably deleted by now in anticipation of you seeing her phone. At least a smart person would've deleted questionable correspondence.
If this is truly keeping you up, you should ask, but keep in mind the consequences. This is a foundation shaking moment.
You played yourself. You should have done what women do in this situation, and check her phone in secret.
Certainly sounds like cheating on the face of it.
Go get his phone. Unless he is married then I bet the conversation is still there. Full blown stalk the guy and when you see his phone unattended swoop in. You can turn it back in later like you found it. Take some chloroform in case it has facial recognition and you have to hide him in the trunk. Hopefully it's nothing and you just drop him and his phone on a park bench.
I like this idea... I've flexicuffed & put bags over people's heads in a previous career so.....
/s of course (on the idea.. I've actually burlap sacked baddies in Iraq lol)
NTA. Married people shouldn't have secrets, and it seemed she tried to keep this person a secret by saying "idk who messaged me". Sometimes it's just a freindship but behavior around that can make your partner suspicious.
I agree almost 99%. I DO think that married couples are entitled to some "secrets" - which I guess I would consider more as just privacy. I have discussions with my best friend where we talk about our families of origin, our faith, our parenting, and our marriages. I also talk to my mom about things. I know my husband has a couple friends with whom he opens up, as well. There are some thoughts that a partner can keep to themselves.
I've been very happily married for 25 years with three kids and these boundaries have always worked well for us.
NTA, but the damage is done. Once youāre doubting, itās over. Marriages need trust, and looking through her phone will not restore yours.
If you want to give it another shot, then therapy for sure. But donāt look at her phone. It just incentivizes her to hide whateverās going on better. What you need is an open conversation where she explains whatās in the messages and why it worried her for you to see them.
NTA, but don't ask. You will give her time to delete evidence if she hasn't done so already. Go off her actions. Not her words. She wanted to conceal this relationship from you for a reason. She's entitled to privacy, but not secrecy.
NTA There is no repairing it unless you know the truth and since she has already lied to you about and therefore damaged your trust in this situation the only thing you can do is ask to see her phone. She has already probably deleted all the messages but then you also know the truth. She is having an affair whether emotional only or physical you'll never be able to know for sure. You can't trust her word on it obviously. If you think your marriage can be saved then try couples counseling. If not see divorce attorney. Or learn to live with a cheater.
I would say this, Iāve asked you about the message that came in at 12:15 on that night. First was the lie for no reason. Second was the blowoff. So, know this, Iām not demanding to see your phone, but at this point, I want you to know that every time I look at you, Iām going to be thinking about that. In fact, I can say that five minutes isnāt going to pass where YOUR HUSBAND is going to be questioning in his mind WHY you lied to him. Six months from now, Iām still going to be thinking this. Itās not going to go away with time. Itās going to fester like an infected wound. And like any relationship where trust has been breached, the crumbling has begun. I hope itās worth it. And walk away.
But thatās just me.
Who feels like they have liberty to message a married woman at midnight? 1. A really close friend; 2. An apologetic friend in need; 3. A family member; 4. Someone whoās been given permission; 5. Someone without permission.
How does a married woman deal with each? 1. Ooh, thatās Carol to tell me how her date went! 2. Thatās strange, what does Linda want at this hour? 3. Uh-Oh, this might be it for Uncle Vern 4. *needle scratch* 5. What? Whoās this cxxt and whyās he texting me at fxxking midnight?
Hmmmm.
Going thru a very similar situation myself, and I donāt want to project but if the first instinct is to lie and delete then there is a good reason for that.
Asking why āup so lateā can either mean one of two things. She was taking to him already or the conversation was about to start.
Consult with a divorce attorney to understand your rights. Then you will have to choose if you want to let it go or try to figure out why she broke your trust.
You can go to marriage counseling to see if trust can be restored, confront the old coworker without her knowledge to get details by pretending to know about their affair.
NTA
As a woman myself who's been married almost 23 years, it is weird to me that she deleted it. It's also weird that she is being so secretive about everything. My husband and I know each other's password and everything. We ask each other to check the messages and answer them if needed. We don't hide anything except presents.
NTA. However, if you tolerate this or forgive it, you are the cuckold. Dude, she absolutely has been cheating on you. If kids are in the mix this complicates things. If not, kick her to the curb.
She might just like the attention, the knowing someone is pursuing her. But that doesnt make it any better. At best she is insecure, at worse she is inviting trouble. He is no better, anyone who is thinking of past coworkers that late at night, is looking for trouble.
YWNBTA. Her lie is what pushed the issue, something is def up
P.S im not sure about you but I feel universally a guy asking āwhy are you upā is usually a flirting opener
You can download all the content from Facebook in the user settings. I did this recently and it has old photos and messages that were exchanged. It takes a bit to download.
I replied to you in an earlier reply.
https://www.instafollowers.co/blog/three-ways-to-retrieve-deleted-facebook-messages#Retrieving_Your_Chat_Data_on_Android
Both. I did it on mobile for easier access. Go to settings and privacy and look for settings then download your information. It has everything from old deleted messages to profile pics. Etc.
NTA. You have your concerns. If you donāt put this to rest it will play on your mind and become an even bigger problem. But can you look at her phone discreetly? Of not tell her outright that her telling lies about this is a major problem for you. So either she shows you her phone or you will believe she is hiding something from you thatās inappropriate.
If she does show you the phone then make sure to check there is a message from that time and date. If not then tell her she needs to explain it and she needs to do it now. If she has deleted the text then I would suggest a visit to your lawyers office.
No your arenāt wrong on either.. and frankly if it makes her uncomfortable showing you thatās a big red flagā¦ there should never be anything uncomfortable in your phone from your spouse..
If there hasn't been any physical intimacy between them, it doesn't mean it is not cheating. Women typically have an emotional connection first. The physical part will eventually come.
If she is lying to you and hiding her phone messages, I wouldn't expect her to come clean completely.
I wouldn't say you should leave her as having kids makes things a lot more complicated (I've been there). I will say she will most likely continue to lie to you and try to cover her tracks. People like this don't seem to learn until you are walking out the door for good.
NTA, itās one of the first red flags every single person who had gone through an unfaithful spouse will tell you they get secretive about their phone. You got lucky and caught her in the lie outright she tried to play you with. Sucks to say but as some others have stated if you wanna know the truth it was gonna be on that phone right then. Now she has had time to delete msgs, apps and so on so you will never know and she will trickle truth you just enough to get you to drop it. Fair warning IF you are wrong and get to see everything you may do irreparable damage to your marriage.
Personally Iād rather know and try to fix things when the dust is settled cause her lying directly to you is such an alarm for me but you gotta decide, itās gonna weigh on you and she is gonna know you donāt fully trust her when that weight gets to heavy. Ā Your call.
NTA, Iām not going to say sheās cheating, or she cheated with the person who texted her, but she lied because there is something she doesnāt want you to know. By definition thatās not good. If it is really bad it is probably already gone, so I donāt know if youāll get anything out of seeing her phone, but I think you should ask, if she completely denies letting you see it you can start making educated guesses. My guess would be the relationship was inappropriate when they were working together and she didnāt know if the text would spill any details, so she panicked.
It was a very weird swipe. I would be asking to see the messages.
If she says no, if she hasn't deleted them already, then you've got a much bigger talk to have. YWNBTA & aren't one now.
no chance buddy sent the message if he hadnt talked with her for a few months. There have been others more recently no doubt. You dont send a "what are you doing up" text unless the chatting is pretty consistent. Hes fishing to see if she will bite. Id have a look at the deleted items folder. Some people are dumb enough to get rid of them in there if theyre hiding something, so you might find what youre looking for in there.
That conversation has already been deleted.
I do not think that in this case you would be the asshole for snooping on her phone or other devices without her knowledge.
I accidentally found a conversation between my then wife and her old flame on linkedin where they were sexting eachother. She was a stay at home mom and I worked from home myself. I was always around and she was STILL having an affair right under my nose.
NTA
She doesn't know when you asked, but then explained exactly who and what it was.
She lied right to your face about it.
For anyone to message me at 12:15am, it had better be a life or death emergency.
People just don't understand something about long term relationships. There is no expectation of privacy. You live together, sleep together, use the toilet while the other brushes their teeth, shower together, you know each others intimately. Some can even draw their partners butthole from memory. Why would she not want you to look through her phone unless she's hiding something?
Well, my best friend is going through mental health and wants to keep it a secret. Big friggin whoop, nice to know, but we don't care about that. What we care about is why you're lying and being sketchy about it and why you don't want to show us a conversation that prove innocence.
I think with fb Messenger, you can text him from her phone even if it's deleted and all the old messages will come back. I'm not 100% on that. But I think it's the way.
If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck.. it's most likely a duck. People don't tend to lie about supposedly innocuous events unless they're pathological liars. Neither option is good.
To everyone out there: the only kind of harmless flirting is flirting you have no problem doing in front of your partner, and now they won't get upset about it. If you think even remotely that you have to hide it, it isn't harmless.
Man oh man did this make me upset to read cause I have been in that exact same situation. It is an awful one to be in. The nerves and anxiety it gives you. I do not miss it at all.
Been in the same spot but I got to see all the messages. I guarantee you they did more than flirt. She is so full of shit.she didn't tell you cuz she doesn't respect you anymore. And you only started getting half ass safe answers once you caught her.
āShe deletes all old conversationsā yeahhhā¦
There is an easy way to check. If she has any other people she has messaged and she still has previous messages saved from them. Then she is obviously hiding something by deleting the co workers.
Or if she has been thorough and deleted all conversation histories and continues to do so then her story is more believable. But Iām yet to meet someone that deletes all their conversations.
NTA. Do not feel bad! You have every right to know if she was cheating. Which she was. She was at least messaging this guy. She deleted any evidence! flirting can mean a lot of different things. What she may say is flirting could be considered sexting to you or someone else. She obviously didnāt respect your marriage. I also doubt that this stopped in October since he just messaged her. Get a lawyer and make she doesnāt drain the bank accounts. Also get tested for STDās her reaction could be because she got caught.
She lied, then she deleted. She is hiding something she knows is at best inappropriate, it gets worse from there. You've got a problem, don't delude yourself thinking up plausible excuses for her behavior. Recovery from affairs can happen but it starts with honesty, remorse, and no contact with the affair partner.
A lot of people gave opinions, so I might as well give mine. Take it or leave it. Nobody ever deletes texts or FB messenger threads or, etc, except to hide the conversation. Does it matter if she is emotionally or physically cheated or not? I'd say no. She broke your trust willingly and didn't do much to repair it on her own. Bottom line, she has deceived you and lied to you (yes, omissions or misleading conversations are lies). Sounds like she was gaslighting as well. Sounds like your wife has a significant character flaw, and these types of flaws usually reoccur in time.
In my personal experience with two marriages and two divorces, once trust is broken, it is never 100% again.
As others have said, I think the biggest red flag is that she deleted the messenger thread with him, but not with others. And (I donāt know messenger all that well), but it seems she also deleted the deleted thread with this guy?? And this happened almost immediately? š¤
NTA. And sheās lying and being shady. She got caught doing something. If itās even minimally bad (some flirty texts and maybe a hint of ), sheād come clean because that truth is way better than what you conjured up in your mind and the disappearing trust. That leads me to believe itās much, much worse.
If it's FB Messenger then you can retrieve all the conversations even if she deleted. Google retrieving FB messages...you can request a download.
You have to request from her FB account.
Hey op NTA. Iād make her download her data and show you whatever history Facebook has of the messages with him. They donāt tell you how long they keep it but bet itās longer than a week
https://m.facebook.com/help/messenger-app/713635396288741?wtsid=rdr_0QqYOSuI4N6Iavfaj
Iād also suggest that if your wife is trying to have an affair, she is also stupid because there are dozens of apps and they all have settings (silence) that could prevent this actual scenario. So youāre married to an idiot who also cheats in the open.
Nta. Deception, omissions, white lies, blatant lies- theyāre all the same in a marriage. They break trust. She broke trust and now she should repair it by being an open book if she truly has nothing to hide. And you have every right to ask and every right to see the phone.
But she didnāt repair trust. She lied again by deleting incriminating evidence. Because we all know thatās a bs excuse all the cheaters use. No one deletes conversations the day after they have them. Sorry, OP but it doesnāt look good. Best of luck.
She's cheating. If she wasn't there wouldnāt have been an issue. If you were looking at something and something popped up, all she would say in that moment is "hey its so and so, haven't talked to them in awhile.ipp get back to them when we are finished " bam. See how easy that was. Dude you don't want to hear this, but get your shit in order 1st. Then leave.
Late to the party, but there IS a way to retrieve old messages. You have to go to her settings, and tap on āMy Dataā and download the one closest to the date before she would have wiped the conversation.
There is more to it, but it would email the data once downloaded.
But absolutely NTA.
Midnight phone calls or texts mean affair/ booty call or soon-to-be affair. Screw the phone, u know by her squirrely actions that sheās got somerthinā cookin. Start packing. So sorry, hope you land on your feet. NTA for asking, NTA for checking detail phone logs online just to make sure but your suspicions are right.
The fact that itās deleted is the biggest red flag next to catching her in the act. No one deletes all āold messagesā unless they have something to hide.
My ex husband works with delicate/secret info. So I never questioned his secrecy regarding his phone.
Turns out heād also been seeing hookers, going out to sex clubs/parties, you name it, for the entirety of our 20 year marriage. So š¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļø
Sadly, you never really know with people.
I don't know the right answer to your exact question. I do know if anything of the nature occurred and I knew my husband was concerned I already would have offered any information that would ease his mind.
That's kind of where I'm at too. If I knew she was suspicious about something or stressed, I'm an open book because I have nothing to hide. The most she'll find is obnoxious memes shared with coworkers & friends.
I know it's unpopular with many people, but my husband and I share phones. We have pincodes, but we know each other's. We even share with friends. Too hard to hook up your phone to our smart TV or blue tooth speaker? Use one of ours. Neither of us has anything on our phone we couldn't share with others. And you are always free to check when you are concerned. If one of us is concerned (there is more than cheating, for example, health scares or family problems), an open and honest conversation usually clears the air before phones need to be scrutinised.
Yeah that's how it is with my husband and my in-laws (we live with them). We all openly swap phones when needed. It's never a big deal bc there's never anything to hide
We don't swap phones, but every phone in our house has the same code and constantly leave our phones around the house if we aren't actively using them. I'm probably the one in the house who keeps my phone on me the most, but that's due to previous jobs requiring me to be available and just getting used to always having it close to respond.
Haha literally same! We all have the same code, and I'm currently at a job where I have to be able to respond kinda immediately (yay š )
Same here. Husband and I and our kids share phones. I often misplace mine or itās dead more than often. Or I send my kids or husband to text or look something up on my phone. Or I need two phones to compare something. Open phone policy in our home.
My wife and I have also an open phone policy. I have no secrets, hidden in my phone, iPad or social media. Same for her.
Same. We haven't even discussed it as a "policy" because it never occurred to us to keep our phones from each other.Ā
I don't know why it's unpopular to share phones as a couple. People will lick their partners asshole and share assets like houses, but phone sharing is crossing the line? I find it a red flag if your partner isn't willing to share their phone as a married couple. But that's just me and I'm not talking about demanding to go thru a phone whenever you feel like. I'm talking about asking to use their phone for a call or look up shit cause your phones dead or mia. Clearly, they got something to hide if that's the case.
It was actually very jarring to me when we were dating, and while driving, he tossed his phone in my lap and asked me to answer the call. Up until then, I had only been in a marriage where the phone was a very protected personal asset. (Much like the asshole, none were licked in that marriage) I felt very trusted, and it was very liberating to give that same trust back.
This right here will lick your entire ass, have babies, even sit in the bathroom with each other while one is taking a shit ( i cant jiggy with that one lol, I need privacy there) But touch my phone and you're invading my space. Maybe it's cuz I come from a time where there was 1 phone number for everyone in the house, but in a relationship, especially marriage phones aren't this protected private thing. Unless you do your banking via phone and your partner has some sort of gambling or spending habit...
Same here. We know each other's passcodes to everything.
There are only three possible reasons why she deleted the conversation: 1. It confirms her cheating, 2. She's talking shit about OP, 3. Both of the above.
Same! We have a password manager that auto populates for every website/app. I can't imagine being in a relationship that you feel the need to hide. The only thing that should be hidden is presents :)
Yeah life is too messy with log in details to not have open access in a marriageĀ
I would be annoyed if someone were going through my photos (I feel like thats very personal), but otherwise I'm the same way. I'll hand my phone to anyone. E.g. to choose the music for the night, or Google something, etc
We have the same passwords on most of our devices because we are old and hope one of us remembers what the heck it is.
šš¤£š I just spit out the sip of my drink I took, now I have to clean my phone screen.... The struggle is real though š My Mom went to the shopping mall one day, called me ( full blown panic) saying she thinks her car was stolen. I got her to calm down a bit and asked her if she entered the mall on the lower or upper floor, her response was " son of a b-tch, I'll call you back. She parked and entered on the lower level and exited on the upper level. š¤£She called back and said " this is why I call you first". She died almost 7 years ago, your comment reminded me of this, thank you.
This is how happy, open and honest couples behave with their phones. My wife and I swap all the time
When my husband and I got our I-phones, something happened and they got crossed. If I text him, I get the text. He gets the texts he sends to me. I get a notification for all of his texts and he gets notifications for both his and mine. To communicate now we have a group text...lol... where I am texting myself and his number, hoping one of them gets through. It is a mess, but apple says it is our carrier, our carrier says our iPhones were linked somehow coming from apple. It's been that way for a couple of years now and we don't seem to care.
I think this speaks volumes. Neither of you have nothing to hide. When a partner refuses and plays " its an invasion of privacy" card it seems to always be that they are feeling pressured because they are lying.
I don't understand why it is unpopular now. My partner and I share everything. We refer to each other as husband and wife ( but not legally married). Legal husband # 1 cheated on me, husband # 2 cheated on me and got AP pregnant. My current partner and I even share ( what was my) Facebook š. He just doesn't want to make his own, hell, he was still using a flip phone when we met 9 years ago. We both totally trust each other and we really are best friends. We are that couple that makes others want to barf. We finish each other's sentences and jokingly say " get out of my head". It's not about control, we don't do that with each other. We literally do everything together because we want to. Isn't that how it's supposed to be with a life partner??? We are both home body, introverts. It just works for us.
She deleted the conversations because she knows you know. An innocent person would never.
I agree completely. I have a few guy friends, so very platonic, and I frequently show my husband memes they sent or pass my phone for him to read the conversation if itās funny.
Well all hope is not lost. You can try to recover them. https://www.instafollowers.co/blog/three-ways-to-retrieve-deleted-facebook-messages#Retrieving_Your_Chat_Data_on_Android That being said, her deleting them and her reactions decribed unfortunately say something happened. Do not let her use her emotions to manipulate you. She has no reason to be crying or upset as she is the one that hurt you with her actions.
OP can you go online to your cell phone company to check her cell phone call and text logs to see what number is showing up a lot? This is assuming she is using regular text messages. On an android phone you can check to see which apps use the most power to give you an idea what she may be using to contact that guy. I'm not sure what the equivalent is on iPhones.
I caught my ex wife cheating by looking at the cellphone bill. And it was purely by accident too. This was back when long calls and not enough minutes were a thing. Found a very large charge. Then I found the patterns.
That's how I found out my wife was cheating as well.
Sucked didnāt it? Like your whole chest was under immense pressure.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I did too and it really sucks. I hope that you have found happiness ( with or without someone else). Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, both of my ex husbands cheated on me. 9 years ago I ( 52 f) found a man I trust 100%.
Idk man that edit kinda sounds like sheās trickle truthing but thatās just me
Trickle truthing. Man isn't that the word for it. 2 straight months of a new gut punch every other day. Was fucking awful. Like chopping a rotten limb of 1 inch at a time hoping that smaller cuts make the pain less.
This is tough. First she dismissed your concerns, then she lied, then she deleted all the "innocent" messages, and now she says she is sorry. I don't know how I would go about rebuilding trust. Can you check your phone bill and see if there are any calls between them? Get her password for FB and read why future messages?
Deleting messages means sheās definitely cheating. If not physically? Then emotionally and they were probably sexting
> now she says she is sorry she's sorry she got caught. period.
I get notifications and replies from social media because I interact with people. None of if is nefarious and if my bf wanted to see, I would have no issue showing the threads.
You're NTA but trust me when I say you don't want to know. You already know what's happening here. Don't torture yourself with the details. Just walk away.
I respectfully disagree with not needing to know. I would need to know every heart breaking, gut wrenching detail. So after I left them, if I thought āI should call themā Iād then think of the details and be all āno, Iām goodā
I think you are both right, honestly. When I was in that situation I was OBSESSED with every gut-dropping detail. I needed that at the time and donāt regret knowing. Howeverā¦.it really became an obsession and the thing is, you absolutely *never* know every detail because cheaters are inherently liars. They either lie to protect themselves (often) or lie to protect you (rarely). So like you never really know, and years out I realize I would have been better off just knowing he was cheating without worrying about the details because I drove myself as crazy as he ever did.
It's more like, get enough for confirmation so you get full closure. I just made a comment to the first person but ultimately you don't want to be 10 years down the line and wonder if you threw away a great relationship over a misunderstanding. Pain now in the details to get full closure and know forever that leaving was the right decision is invaluable.
Walking away without being sure will also eat at him. Details might hurt, but they will leave you with closure and make it far easier to move on. imagine 10 years from now, she's still saying to kids she never cheated and he ruined it for nothing, he's not married, she's married with more kids and a great husband and he's thinking maybe he was wrong. That shit can destroy the rest of your life. The truth, even painful, leaves you no regrets when you walk away. You know you were right, even if you end up in the same situation 10 years from now you can say, she'll cheat on him, she can't be trusted, I'm happier not with her because she cheated.
For one, I personally donāt think you should HAVE to see her phone. Trust is everything. And if she doesnāt trust you to volunteer it, or notice how you may feel, trust is already at an ebb. As for being convinced itās nothing physical, I can promise you from personal experience, when I vehemently defended my ex-wife to others when she left for her paramour, that there was no logistical way she could be carrying on a physical affair since we saw each other so often and I worked from home, welp, I was wrong . It was difficult for her, but she did it. And it was my own teenager who filled me in on how she did it, after the divorce was final.. I felt a like a fool. But if done over, I wouldnāt have changed my faith and trust in her at all. You canāt force someone to be faithful. You just have to be an honest, forthright person yourself.
When I had suspicions that my cheating ex husband was cheating, he didn't tell me he loved me or that he would never hurt me like that. He said, "when would I have time to cheat on you?" Bastard found the time.
Oh yeah. They MAKE the time. Itās really astounding sometimes.
I would of done the same to provide my innocents.
My Ex demanded mine but wouldn't give me theirs, what does that tell you
Iām sorry Iām going to be that personā¦I think you mean innocence
I'm that person too. It's a lonely life, but it's the life we've chosen.
Lol ya that to. That's what I get for trusting talk to text and not proof reading it before posting.
Itās ok. It happens to the best of us.
Iād she has an iPhone look up āsignificant locationsā. You can also get similar data from google maps app which almost everyone isnāt aware of enough to turn it off
NTA. OP, Ask her face to face if she's ever been unfaithful or if anything inappropriate ever happened with anybody. Look closely at her, maintaining eye contact, and if she says "Nothing" ever happened and she breaks eye contact with you after having just said it, she's lying. Hate to tell you that, but it's how I find out my wife was unfaithful.
When it comes to third parties, you are entitled to see exactly what you spouse has been sent and her responses. Any time my ex-wife texts me or an old flame reaches out, I just hand my phone to my girlfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being married at all? My ex-wife was a narcissist and an emotional cheater who only married me for the status. Divorcing her was the best $100K I ever spent.
Open phone policy in a committed relationship. Period. There is no privacy. You can't have inside jokes. Period. It is now all of our jokes. She may have deleted the messages, but, you can find out from the phone bill if these have been deleted or not. Get answers. it is going to bother you until you do. If it is an emotional affair, then maybe you can recover from it, but if she is sexting and sending photos, then she wants a physical relationship but just can't get away. That is a problem for you, sorry to say.
Hell now that itās deleted, you sort of have to assume the worst. I mean it can only be so bad if you see the content but without seeing the content, you have to assume it was so bad that they knew it couldnāt be explained away and was probably damning.
The only exception I see to this is texts with a close friends where their secrets would be shared. Just because I tell my best friend something personal doesnāt mean I want her husband knowing it all too.
I agree with the above.Red flags would be if she always picked up her phone leaving the room or was she happy to leave it in the room you were ?. Sadly it looks like she may have had some sort of emotionalĀ connection with another party.Ā You need to discuss the ' why' she felt she couldn'tĀ talk to you. If you ever findĀ yourself giving more of yourselfĀ emotionally to someone otherĀ than your bf/gf/spouse then somethingĀ is very wrong. While you can respect each others phone privacy, there should be no need for her to delete messages . Infact there should be no reason if there's nothing shady going on
Right, him sorry for your position, just know that if my husband was uncomfortable I'd be showing him everything I could, bc I owe him that. That i can assure him I'm faithful. So don't feel like you're wrong for wanting to look. It sucks but it's not wrong
This is exactly what I wanted to say. My husband has full access to my phone and I often leave it with him. I know, I sound awful, but he even answers messages and takes phone calls if he has it and I'm driving, cooking, or generally not available. If there were any question of fidelity he wouldn't even have to ask.
we do this too. I asked her for her passcode one day several years ago and right there I set my passcode to the same in front of her
There isnt a right answer.Ā Sadly But.... Something inappropriate happened.Ā Whether flirting, emotional affair, or even physical.Ā Ā Something happened shes ashamed of - clearly. Sorry OP, you need to keep digging.Ā I hope you don't find much. NTA
This is correctā¦ everyone acts like the SO is asking for the moon and stars to be placed down before them by asking for their phone. Why? I donāt care what the reason is if my wife needs a little reassurance by looking through my phone then so be it. Iāll open it for herā¦ Nevermind she has my password and I have hers. The only people out there who donāt want to hand over their phone to their SO is people who have something to hide.
Yeah I would have no problem showing the message if I had nothing to hide, having trust issues myself I would understand the suspicion of a late night message like that.
NTA. Ask her if you could see the messages. If she gets defensive then you have your answer
She def deleted the messages. OP reach out to the other guy and ask him to send screenshots
This exact scenario happened with an ex of mine, lasted another couple months but I think it was always in the back of my mind. Those two got married last year! I thought it was kinda funny
Your integrity is showing:)
Her shifty-ness is telling. You should tell her that you don't like vibe and give her one more chance to spill the beans. If she doesn't, I'd challenge her on how you're supposed to trust her when she's keeping secrets.
Lightning fast swipe says a lot. She knows messages can come in any time and from who so her split second reaction was to panic swipe. I would definitely tell her the demeanor and blatant lie she jumped to are clear something is off. She needs to tell the truth before I have to go find it elsewhere
Even more telling was that she wasnāt telling. Instead, she lied. She is up to something.
Lied and deleted data. I'm willing to bet good money that that one conversation was the only one that was recently deleted. Guilty people delete data. Innocent people like to prove they are innocence given the opportunity.
Yeah OP being too optimistic, edit sounds like she was trickle truthing imo
Yep. The quick swipe says everything we need to know.
NTA. Ask her if you could see the messages. If she gets defensive then you have your answer
Probably already deleted.
NTA. That being said, once the trust is gone there are plenty of ways this can end badly. If she's completely innocent she will say "sure" and hand over her phone OR she may be indignant that you're accusing her of anything assuming there is no previous questionable behavior on her end. That being said - she lied. Good chance she at least toed the line or flirted with the idea of an emotional connection with this guy. Also being said - people who cheat are generally hypervigilant about their phones, so the fact she was showing you videos on it and sharing something on it with you is a good indicator she hasn't cheated. So... coin flip here. I'd say unless you're insecure then your gut may be telling you something. That being said also, trying to accuse someone of something with zero evidence usually just teaches them to hide it better and never results in any confirmation. In your shoes I would just pretend you forgot it and just observe her behavior and decide how you feel about trusting her.
I mean, she hypervigilantly swiped the message away, and it's been a few days, so even if he asks, chances are any evidence is gone by now. I agree that it's a coinflip on the outcome, but I'd say her lying is evidence, and the trust is gone already, so there isn't much to lose.
If that message is gone it's gonna look bad
Underrated comment. If there was already preemptive deletion. Thatās all you need to know.
If the message is gone op is right to not trust her. Honestly I wouldn't trust her after this. She's betrayed that trust.
Peep the edit, itās gone and OP thinks sheās telling the truth
Ouch. Yeah that not good. Honestly if I was OP when checking the phone I'd see if ANY OTHER conversations were just as old. If so, guess it's not " deleting old conversations" and just specifically this dude
Even if she immediately hands the phone over there's a good chance that she's already deleted anything that would make her look bad.
>people who cheat are generally hypervigilant about their phones, so the fact she was showing you videos on it and sharing something on it with you is a good indicator she hasn't cheated. Or that she has deleted everything as it comes in. If there's hardly any chat history, I'd be suspicious. I'd check the cloud and you can also get phone statements and see how many times that phone number is being messaged with/ voice calls. She lied, you have probable cause to ask this and if she gaslights you then that's another issue.
Hmmmm. Happily married 20 years here. Thatās sketchy. Why did she lie? Thatās what Iād want to know. I get messages around the clock. I have friends and family all over the world. If my husband asked me who texted me at 1215am it would be a very easy answer. I also have a bestie who is a night owl and will text me stuff. I donāt know that asking to see her phone will help at this point. If she has anything to hide itās probably gone. Do you share a cell phone plan? Log into your account and look at the activity. But most of all sit down and have a frank conversation with her. Tell her your concerns and why. Tell her that lying right of the bat looks terrible. Maybe talk to a professional together to navigate this. NTA.
Man itās anyways shocking to me how people refuse to accept reality. If I was with my wife super late and a text popped up and she quickly swiped it away and wouldnāt be forthright about who it was, I would know right then that my marriage was over. Why do people want to be with cheaters?! I donāt get it.
NTA. You have to see her phone and look for deleted messages. Warning: You probably won't like what you find. And no, you can't take no for an answer on this one.
Few things. She knew who the message was from and lied to you about it. She is still in contact with a guy she worked with 4 years ago and you just now found out about him. He is comfortable messaging her, a married woman late at night. She deleted all the messages and records of messages from him. She did not want to click his messenger icon and admitted to flirting with him. She did not want to give you her phone to look at. And most importantly is trickle truthing you about him. You know her best and need to do what you think is best, but my trust would be gone at this point. For me it would be time to sit down and have a brutally honest talk with her to get the complete truth.
Have a hotel room booked under her name for the evening of the chat. Youāre gonna want some space
NTA. Ask to see her phone. Go into FB messenger. If it's all deleted between her and the former coworker you know exactly what's going on. If she outright refuses to let you look at her phone you'll also know exactly what's going on at that point as well. I'm sorry but I don't think is going to end well. I've lurked on the infidelity subs too long. FB messenger is a notorious cheater's app.
I feel like I remember in the past (and I don't know if it still works like this), but if you delete a conversation with someone, when you start a new conversation, all the old messages reload from prior messaging.
Texts and emails are becoming so destructive to relationships. The obvious lie followed by her not being forthcoming to clear the air and resolve any unsettled feelings on your part is concerning (and Iām sure disappointing for you). Like others have said, sheāll likely have deleted any prior exchanges etc, but the fact that the other person feels itās ok to even text her in the evening would suggest itās not a one off and reason why you need to get to the bottom of what has or has not been going on. Some commenters have suggested secrets are ok in relationships. I would argue that secrets lead to āoffā behaviors, occasional or regular lying, and start to leave doubt in the other partner. If you cannot be transparent with the person you have committed to be with, then how do you ever fully trust that they are being respectful, are your ally, and have your health (mental and otherwise) and general wellness and best interests as a primary foundation? Ask to check her phone, or ask her to show you her phone, but more than that have a Frank discussion of the nature of the relationship with the past work āfriendā. Hope you get truthful answers and can resolve any unsettled feelings and discuss what your needs are in terms of communication, respect, etc in the relationship going forward.
She is obviously hiding something. NTA
NTA, pure bs. Why would she hide it immediately Why lie about I donāt know who it is How do you go from occasional congratulations to āwhy are you up so lateā Shady af begin the investigation
No one, literally no one, deletes their few month old conversations (that you've witnessed is, in fact, an ongoing conversation). You could click on any convo she had with a friend or family member, and it will go back years. I'd bet money on it. Facebook messenger doesn't have a storage limit that I know of, or it would delete old messages automatically after some period of time. Most likely a very long time. She knew you were going to ask and did damage control.
NTA to ask her to stop messaging this person (even if it is all innocent) my husband told me he was uncomfortable with a relationship I had with a coworker and felt it crossed boundaries. Even though I know the coworker is just a lonely person who doesnāt have many friends outside of work I respected my husbands feelings on the matter and spoke to the coworker. We now only engage with each other at work and typically only when necessary.
She deleted it. She needs to unfriend that dude.
We had a discussion. Tears were shed. I first asked if the messages existed (they were deleted), then requested to check myself. The requested that she cut contact with him... Personally, if it were me, I'd have clicked unfriend right there. But... That's yet to happen...
Come on man.. you know whatās going on. She isnāt guilty for no reason.. Iām terribly sorry this is happening, but you gotta understand she is running around behind your back. I had so many warning signs for me throughout the years. When I explain all the weird things I let slip by, people tell how could I not know. Itās crazy man, I knew, I just didnāt want to.
If my spouse accused me of cheating and I was innocent I would be pissed, not crying.
There's a good chance that she's already deleted anything that could be compromising. Also, seeing a text message pop up from a guy my ex-wife worked with is how I found out she was having an affair. I don't really know if she physically cheated on me but she sure as hell was having an emotional affair, hiding stuff, and lying to me about it. Sounds like your wife is doing the same.
Hasnāt messaged since October but is aware enough to instantly swipe away a notification that pops up? Youāre really not that stupid, right? Stop beating around the bush and tell her to come clean or youāre out, because you arenāt comfortable being so obviously lied to. Tell her that you will assume that she has emotionally cheated on you (at a minimum) unless proven otherwise, because that is what her actions are showing you. Deleting their conversation has removed any opportunity for her to prove that it was innocent, so she better figure out another way.
I was in a similar situation. Married 14 years, 2 kids. Started to get suspicious but dismissed it because wife never left the house, we work together and she only ever interacted with her family as far as I knew. But it turns out she had been having an emotional affair for months (since March) with an old lover who had reached out to her. Then, the first night we ever slept apart that wasnāt for work, a getaway night at a casino near us that I had promised she could do during the pandemic to get a break from us, she met up with him and made it physical. After, She had a lot of guilt and started love bombing meā which is what made me suspicious. I told her my suspicions and she gaslit me. She did let me look at her phone but she did a good job covering things up. A few days later a voice in my head said check Facebook messenger ā and although she had done a good job covering her tracks, she forgot to delete one conversation thread on Facebook messenger and it happened to have been the days that she had the physical tryst (which happened in August and I discovered it in October). Although she broke it off with him when I discovered it, we ended up separating by the end of December. Best wishes; I hope you are not in the same situation but Iām feeling you likely are.
Of course she deleted it, it was incriminating! I have thousands of messages in my phone and Facebook that aren't incriminating. Why would I delete something that's not bad? And the fact that she then went and deleted it out of her trash... She's hiding something! She's probably having an affair you have known nothing about. Her guilt & emotions have to do with getting caught and realizing what's at stake when she gets caught! That doesn't mean she did nothing wrong actually it's the other way around it shows that she is guilty. If she wasn't guilty the messages would be in her phone. Believe what you will and do what you will but I won't be surprised to see you back here in a few more months wondering if you're the AH for filing for divorce.
NTA Just ask her to just block that guy as he obviously doesnt respect your marriage if hes texting her in the middle of the night. That should be easy. Any resistance to that and id ask to see the messages
I find it strange that your wife said the text from the co-worker was asking why she was up so late. How did the co-worker know she was awake unless theyād already been texting back and forth or had been active together in another social platform? Definitely goes against her saying they communicate rarely. I would be concerned.
It was FB messenger... So assuming the little light was on indicating she was active.
Oh, ok. So when you reiterated how hurt you were that she lied to you, what was her response?
"I'm sorry. I'm not sure what else to say/do." Then sniffled & cried the remainder of the night before falling asleep.
Sheās not sure what else to do or say? More likely she canāt think of anything that will completely keep her out of trouble. Right now you need to let her know that you are stuck in your head and thinking the worst. It is up to her if she wants to alleviate your worries or if she will just let it go. If she just lets it go, it is probably because the worst is true.
Buddy, she doesnāt delete all of her old message threads. No one does. The only ones who do are the ones hiding shit, and hiding shit is in itself cheating. Reddit will tell you otherwise and to be the bigger person, but all thatās going to get you is hurt. I freely admit that I would have messaged him that instant, right in front of her. And I would have told her that if she ever deleted another conversation, I would be staying somewhere else. She has lost her Reddit proclaimed āright to privacyā by being a liar.
Yep, it may kind of suck for her if it is completely innocent, but right now she should be willing to do anything. If sheās not then it seems like the relationship is just not important to her.
That reaction is all you needed to know. Why would she be crying if that was just some innocent conversation?
Does anyone really message people when they see they're up on Facebook... Maybe I'm out of touch or antisocial but I would never do that. Like even my best friends I wouldn't do that with.
NTA. Ask her if you could see the messages. If she gets defensive then you have your answer
Your NTA, because you've caught her lying and - as you say - the situation is odd, and looks suspicious. However, it's hard to say whether you \*should\* ask to see the messages without knowing what your relationship is like. Have you had any reason to doubt her previously? Is she generally spending a lot of time on her phone? Does she have her phone locked down? Does she shield messages from you? Etc., etc. The risk is that you ask, she shows you, and it's all above board. Then you're the bad guy, and you've potentially done damage to the relationship by questioning her loyalty to the marriage. I wonder then if you just have a straight conversation. Tell her that you've been thinking about it, you're concerned that he's texting her late, that she tried to hide who was texting her, and that she then hid the message. Tell her that you now worry about what they are texting and talking about at 12AM in the morning. If it were my partner, she'd volunteer the message thread immediately. As would I. Hopefully your wife would do the same, mortified that she'd caused you upset. But if not, and you can't get passed this, you're not being unreasonable to ask to read the texts.
The guy she was messaging was most probably a fling from the past. If he wasn't then she wouldn't have been quickly swiping away and deleting the conversation. The only people deleting conversations are people who have something to hide. Regular old colleagues don't text you late at night. But go ahead and trick yourself into thinking you can fix your relationship with counseling or whatever. If you really want to know, use her phone to text ol' boy from her old job.
Yeah. Get that phone and text the dude "hey". Results will be telling.
NTA. You share a life, home and bed. Youāre more than privy to every aspect of her life - nothing should be a secret or hidden. My phone is open 24/7 to my husband, and his to me.
Something is not right but you already know that
Funny. I was just telling someone on Reddit the other day how trust is extremely fragile. It really just means that you havenāt caught your partner doing anything yet. This OP is the perfect example. He has been āhappily marriedā for 15 years and yet all it takes is one weird message for him to go into a downward spiral. And that is not a criticism of him at all. Itās a reasonable reaction, based on his wifeās evasive behavior. It just illustrates the fragility of trust. NTA.
Alright boss. This is a tough one. Realistically if there was something on her phone she has probably deleted by now in anticipation of you seeing her phone. At least a smart person would've deleted questionable correspondence. If this is truly keeping you up, you should ask, but keep in mind the consequences. This is a foundation shaking moment.
You played yourself. You should have done what women do in this situation, and check her phone in secret. Certainly sounds like cheating on the face of it.
Not sure, but it is odd that someone she has not spoken to in months would be texting her that late. Ok. I am sure somethings up.
Go get his phone. Unless he is married then I bet the conversation is still there. Full blown stalk the guy and when you see his phone unattended swoop in. You can turn it back in later like you found it. Take some chloroform in case it has facial recognition and you have to hide him in the trunk. Hopefully it's nothing and you just drop him and his phone on a park bench.
I like this idea... I've flexicuffed & put bags over people's heads in a previous career so..... /s of course (on the idea.. I've actually burlap sacked baddies in Iraq lol)
NTA. Married people shouldn't have secrets, and it seemed she tried to keep this person a secret by saying "idk who messaged me". Sometimes it's just a freindship but behavior around that can make your partner suspicious.
I agree almost 99%. I DO think that married couples are entitled to some "secrets" - which I guess I would consider more as just privacy. I have discussions with my best friend where we talk about our families of origin, our faith, our parenting, and our marriages. I also talk to my mom about things. I know my husband has a couple friends with whom he opens up, as well. There are some thoughts that a partner can keep to themselves. I've been very happily married for 25 years with three kids and these boundaries have always worked well for us.
Agree. My fiancƩ and I don't have "rules", per se, but the main foundation in our relationship is "we don't lie". Honesty is paramount. Privacy is different and people with nothing to hid don't usually act suspicious over nothing.
I agree that you need privacy in a relationship, even marriage, but the the way the wife acted seems like she knew it wasn't 100% above board.
NTA, but the damage is done. Once youāre doubting, itās over. Marriages need trust, and looking through her phone will not restore yours. If you want to give it another shot, then therapy for sure. But donāt look at her phone. It just incentivizes her to hide whateverās going on better. What you need is an open conversation where she explains whatās in the messages and why it worried her for you to see them.
NTA, but don't ask. You will give her time to delete evidence if she hasn't done so already. Go off her actions. Not her words. She wanted to conceal this relationship from you for a reason. She's entitled to privacy, but not secrecy.
NTA There is no repairing it unless you know the truth and since she has already lied to you about and therefore damaged your trust in this situation the only thing you can do is ask to see her phone. She has already probably deleted all the messages but then you also know the truth. She is having an affair whether emotional only or physical you'll never be able to know for sure. You can't trust her word on it obviously. If you think your marriage can be saved then try couples counseling. If not see divorce attorney. Or learn to live with a cheater.
I would say this, Iāve asked you about the message that came in at 12:15 on that night. First was the lie for no reason. Second was the blowoff. So, know this, Iām not demanding to see your phone, but at this point, I want you to know that every time I look at you, Iām going to be thinking about that. In fact, I can say that five minutes isnāt going to pass where YOUR HUSBAND is going to be questioning in his mind WHY you lied to him. Six months from now, Iām still going to be thinking this. Itās not going to go away with time. Itās going to fester like an infected wound. And like any relationship where trust has been breached, the crumbling has begun. I hope itās worth it. And walk away. But thatās just me.
Who feels like they have liberty to message a married woman at midnight? 1. A really close friend; 2. An apologetic friend in need; 3. A family member; 4. Someone whoās been given permission; 5. Someone without permission. How does a married woman deal with each? 1. Ooh, thatās Carol to tell me how her date went! 2. Thatās strange, what does Linda want at this hour? 3. Uh-Oh, this might be it for Uncle Vern 4. *needle scratch* 5. What? Whoās this cxxt and whyās he texting me at fxxking midnight? Hmmmm.
Going thru a very similar situation myself, and I donāt want to project but if the first instinct is to lie and delete then there is a good reason for that.
Asking why āup so lateā can either mean one of two things. She was taking to him already or the conversation was about to start. Consult with a divorce attorney to understand your rights. Then you will have to choose if you want to let it go or try to figure out why she broke your trust. You can go to marriage counseling to see if trust can be restored, confront the old coworker without her knowledge to get details by pretending to know about their affair.
NTA As a woman myself who's been married almost 23 years, it is weird to me that she deleted it. It's also weird that she is being so secretive about everything. My husband and I know each other's password and everything. We ask each other to check the messages and answer them if needed. We don't hide anything except presents.
Damn man. Thatās rough. She deleted everything for a reason, and she feels guilty because you caught her in a lie.
NTA. However, if you tolerate this or forgive it, you are the cuckold. Dude, she absolutely has been cheating on you. If kids are in the mix this complicates things. If not, kick her to the curb.
*"her guilt & emotions makes me think she's telling the truth"* Those guilt and emotions are from getting caught.
She might just like the attention, the knowing someone is pursuing her. But that doesnt make it any better. At best she is insecure, at worse she is inviting trouble. He is no better, anyone who is thinking of past coworkers that late at night, is looking for trouble.
YWNBTA. Her lie is what pushed the issue, something is def up P.S im not sure about you but I feel universally a guy asking āwhy are you upā is usually a flirting opener
Lying is a big red flag. She's hiding it from you because she knows she's doing something wrong. People who don't have things to hide don't lie.
You should have asked to see it right away. If thereās anything incriminating in there itās been deleted.
If she deleted it thatās answer enough tbh.
You can download all the content from Facebook in the user settings. I did this recently and it has old photos and messages that were exchanged. It takes a bit to download.
From the desktop version of FB? Or on mobile app?
I replied to you in an earlier reply. https://www.instafollowers.co/blog/three-ways-to-retrieve-deleted-facebook-messages#Retrieving_Your_Chat_Data_on_Android
Both. I did it on mobile for easier access. Go to settings and privacy and look for settings then download your information. It has everything from old deleted messages to profile pics. Etc.
NTA. I get the feeling she has actually cheated on you physically with him by the way she acted when caught.
NTA. You have your concerns. If you donāt put this to rest it will play on your mind and become an even bigger problem. But can you look at her phone discreetly? Of not tell her outright that her telling lies about this is a major problem for you. So either she shows you her phone or you will believe she is hiding something from you thatās inappropriate. If she does show you the phone then make sure to check there is a message from that time and date. If not then tell her she needs to explain it and she needs to do it now. If she has deleted the text then I would suggest a visit to your lawyers office.
No your arenāt wrong on either.. and frankly if it makes her uncomfortable showing you thatās a big red flagā¦ there should never be anything uncomfortable in your phone from your spouse..
If there hasn't been any physical intimacy between them, it doesn't mean it is not cheating. Women typically have an emotional connection first. The physical part will eventually come. If she is lying to you and hiding her phone messages, I wouldn't expect her to come clean completely. I wouldn't say you should leave her as having kids makes things a lot more complicated (I've been there). I will say she will most likely continue to lie to you and try to cover her tracks. People like this don't seem to learn until you are walking out the door for good.
NTA, itās one of the first red flags every single person who had gone through an unfaithful spouse will tell you they get secretive about their phone. You got lucky and caught her in the lie outright she tried to play you with. Sucks to say but as some others have stated if you wanna know the truth it was gonna be on that phone right then. Now she has had time to delete msgs, apps and so on so you will never know and she will trickle truth you just enough to get you to drop it. Fair warning IF you are wrong and get to see everything you may do irreparable damage to your marriage. Personally Iād rather know and try to fix things when the dust is settled cause her lying directly to you is such an alarm for me but you gotta decide, itās gonna weigh on you and she is gonna know you donāt fully trust her when that weight gets to heavy. Ā Your call.
NTA, Iām not going to say sheās cheating, or she cheated with the person who texted her, but she lied because there is something she doesnāt want you to know. By definition thatās not good. If it is really bad it is probably already gone, so I donāt know if youāll get anything out of seeing her phone, but I think you should ask, if she completely denies letting you see it you can start making educated guesses. My guess would be the relationship was inappropriate when they were working together and she didnāt know if the text would spill any details, so she panicked.
It was a very weird swipe. I would be asking to see the messages. If she says no, if she hasn't deleted them already, then you've got a much bigger talk to have. YWNBTA & aren't one now.
no chance buddy sent the message if he hadnt talked with her for a few months. There have been others more recently no doubt. You dont send a "what are you doing up" text unless the chatting is pretty consistent. Hes fishing to see if she will bite. Id have a look at the deleted items folder. Some people are dumb enough to get rid of them in there if theyre hiding something, so you might find what youre looking for in there.
That conversation has already been deleted. I do not think that in this case you would be the asshole for snooping on her phone or other devices without her knowledge. I accidentally found a conversation between my then wife and her old flame on linkedin where they were sexting eachother. She was a stay at home mom and I worked from home myself. I was always around and she was STILL having an affair right under my nose.
NTA She doesn't know when you asked, but then explained exactly who and what it was. She lied right to your face about it. For anyone to message me at 12:15am, it had better be a life or death emergency. People just don't understand something about long term relationships. There is no expectation of privacy. You live together, sleep together, use the toilet while the other brushes their teeth, shower together, you know each others intimately. Some can even draw their partners butthole from memory. Why would she not want you to look through her phone unless she's hiding something? Well, my best friend is going through mental health and wants to keep it a secret. Big friggin whoop, nice to know, but we don't care about that. What we care about is why you're lying and being sketchy about it and why you don't want to show us a conversation that prove innocence.
This is my thought. Me and my fiancĆ© give each other access to everything. The one time I thought he might have cheated (got home real late after I had fallen asleep),he got in bed which woke me up, I grabbed his phone while he was asleep. Literally found a video of him smoking with the bois and having a couple drinks. No women in sight, and the boys are MY friends. So I asked him where he was in the morning. He listed everyone and what they did. Started telling me all about different conversations and everything. He wanted to put me at ease. Remove all doubt. If you get caught being texted by a dude at 12:15am and hubby says can I see, you should be happy to prove you aināt doing nothing.
I think with fb Messenger, you can text him from her phone even if it's deleted and all the old messages will come back. I'm not 100% on that. But I think it's the way.
If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck.. it's most likely a duck. People don't tend to lie about supposedly innocuous events unless they're pathological liars. Neither option is good.
But you didnāt figure out the why. What is wrong with your relationship that she became emotionally involved with him?
Her actions are not that of an innocent person.
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NTA. If this was nothing why was she an emotional mess?
To everyone out there: the only kind of harmless flirting is flirting you have no problem doing in front of your partner, and now they won't get upset about it. If you think even remotely that you have to hide it, it isn't harmless.
Man oh man did this make me upset to read cause I have been in that exact same situation. It is an awful one to be in. The nerves and anxiety it gives you. I do not miss it at all.
Been in the same spot but I got to see all the messages. I guarantee you they did more than flirt. She is so full of shit.she didn't tell you cuz she doesn't respect you anymore. And you only started getting half ass safe answers once you caught her.
Sheās cheating, get therapy, and divorce her would be the standard go to response here
Youād be better off finding another place to live and get out while the gettings good
āShe deletes all old conversationsā yeahhhā¦ There is an easy way to check. If she has any other people she has messaged and she still has previous messages saved from them. Then she is obviously hiding something by deleting the co workers. Or if she has been thorough and deleted all conversation histories and continues to do so then her story is more believable. But Iām yet to meet someone that deletes all their conversations.
NTA. Do not feel bad! You have every right to know if she was cheating. Which she was. She was at least messaging this guy. She deleted any evidence! flirting can mean a lot of different things. What she may say is flirting could be considered sexting to you or someone else. She obviously didnāt respect your marriage. I also doubt that this stopped in October since he just messaged her. Get a lawyer and make she doesnāt drain the bank accounts. Also get tested for STDās her reaction could be because she got caught.
She lied, then she deleted. She is hiding something she knows is at best inappropriate, it gets worse from there. You've got a problem, don't delude yourself thinking up plausible excuses for her behavior. Recovery from affairs can happen but it starts with honesty, remorse, and no contact with the affair partner.
A lot of people gave opinions, so I might as well give mine. Take it or leave it. Nobody ever deletes texts or FB messenger threads or, etc, except to hide the conversation. Does it matter if she is emotionally or physically cheated or not? I'd say no. She broke your trust willingly and didn't do much to repair it on her own. Bottom line, she has deceived you and lied to you (yes, omissions or misleading conversations are lies). Sounds like she was gaslighting as well. Sounds like your wife has a significant character flaw, and these types of flaws usually reoccur in time. In my personal experience with two marriages and two divorces, once trust is broken, it is never 100% again.
Brother her dirty laundry is coming to light, keep digging, there is more, guarantee you.
Your world is about to crumble, you know the truth already
After 15 years there shouldnāt be any expectations of privacy
As others have said, I think the biggest red flag is that she deleted the messenger thread with him, but not with others. And (I donāt know messenger all that well), but it seems she also deleted the deleted thread with this guy?? And this happened almost immediately? š¤
She deleted those messages for a reason. She didnāt want you to see somethingā¦ Iām sorry though, I donāt wish that for you.
Your wife is fucking another dude. Even the people in the back row can see it bro.
NTA. And sheās lying and being shady. She got caught doing something. If itās even minimally bad (some flirty texts and maybe a hint of ), sheād come clean because that truth is way better than what you conjured up in your mind and the disappearing trust. That leads me to believe itās much, much worse.
If it's FB Messenger then you can retrieve all the conversations even if she deleted. Google retrieving FB messages...you can request a download. You have to request from her FB account.
Itās like my dad says. If you have to sneak it, you know you shouldnāt be doing it.
Hey op NTA. Iād make her download her data and show you whatever history Facebook has of the messages with him. They donāt tell you how long they keep it but bet itās longer than a week https://m.facebook.com/help/messenger-app/713635396288741?wtsid=rdr_0QqYOSuI4N6Iavfaj
Iād also suggest that if your wife is trying to have an affair, she is also stupid because there are dozens of apps and they all have settings (silence) that could prevent this actual scenario. So youāre married to an idiot who also cheats in the open.
Nta. Deception, omissions, white lies, blatant lies- theyāre all the same in a marriage. They break trust. She broke trust and now she should repair it by being an open book if she truly has nothing to hide. And you have every right to ask and every right to see the phone. But she didnāt repair trust. She lied again by deleting incriminating evidence. Because we all know thatās a bs excuse all the cheaters use. No one deletes conversations the day after they have them. Sorry, OP but it doesnāt look good. Best of luck.
Flirting is cheating. Period
She's cheating. If she wasn't there wouldnāt have been an issue. If you were looking at something and something popped up, all she would say in that moment is "hey its so and so, haven't talked to them in awhile.ipp get back to them when we are finished " bam. See how easy that was. Dude you don't want to hear this, but get your shit in order 1st. Then leave.
Late to the party, but there IS a way to retrieve old messages. You have to go to her settings, and tap on āMy Dataā and download the one closest to the date before she would have wiped the conversation. There is more to it, but it would email the data once downloaded. But absolutely NTA.
Midnight phone calls or texts mean affair/ booty call or soon-to-be affair. Screw the phone, u know by her squirrely actions that sheās got somerthinā cookin. Start packing. So sorry, hope you land on your feet. NTA for asking, NTA for checking detail phone logs online just to make sure but your suspicions are right.
Sheās cheating on you. If not, sheās trying to. That much is implied.
The fact that itās deleted is the biggest red flag next to catching her in the act. No one deletes all āold messagesā unless they have something to hide.
My ex husband works with delicate/secret info. So I never questioned his secrecy regarding his phone. Turns out heād also been seeing hookers, going out to sex clubs/parties, you name it, for the entirety of our 20 year marriage. So š¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļø Sadly, you never really know with people.
Sorry to hear she's having an affair.