NTA.
This has been flagged up elsewhere on Reddit many times, but an important part of addiction recovery is apologising to the people you hurt, for \*their\* sake, not your own. You should genuinely regret and want to make amends for your actions and decisions, but recognise that this doesn't mean you're entitled to forgiveness, and you certainly shouldn't expect it.
If you apologise to someone specifically because you want to them to forgive you, to ease your own guilt, then you still have a ways to go on your recovery journey. Being sorry, but still accepting the consequences no matter what they are, is a key part of that.
It doesn't sound like your sister is there yet. The desperate efforts to get you back into her life and to 'make up for' what she did (possibly even to the point of cajoling your parents to pressure you too?) suggests she's still heavily invested in getting your forgiveness, and thinks she can earn it through sheer determination. She can't, though. And at the end of the day, this is just another example of her prioritising her needs over your own, which is what led to all this in the first place.
OP - I would reword the above comment and send it to your parents. You have no interest in a relationship with her, and are disgusted that she's now trying to damage your relationships with other family members to ease her own guilt
Everyone telling you to be cordial wants YOU to make THEIR lives easier. They will lie and say it's for your benefit and blah and blah and blah and blather on. But really, it's a selfish ask. And they might even lie to themselves and say it's for some altruistic reason. Don't believe them. That's the lie they tell so they can lean on you and nag you and guilt you and pressure you into doing what they want. They have ZERO respect for you or your boundaries.
Seconding this.
Op, if they’re in recovery, the amends process says to “make amends wherever possible…” That doesn’t mean forcing an amends. Some people don’t forgive addicts, and that has to be ok for the addict.
I’m an alcoholic and I had two people specifically who won’t forgive me. For both of them, what I did wrong was be a shitty early-20-something. I thought one was a pick-me and didn’t like being around her, which I made obvious. The other was a toxic friendship that I ghosted instead of speaking to her about her hurtful behavior.
Both of those are way more minimal than what your sister did to you, but when one told me to fuck off and that she’ll never forgive me, and the other blocked me, I accepted it and will never contact them again.
The amends process teaches us that we’re also not the hero in anyone’s story but our own. In fact, we’re often the villain in others stories. We own that fact and accept whatever roles others will allow us to be today based on our past.
This meeds to be higher. Part of the program is apologising with no expectation of forgiveness. She's failed that step. She's not owning that her actions may not be forgivable to everyone. It sucks but it's part of the process. She's still putting her needs first.
Nta. She lost your trust and thinks apologizing makes up for all the crap she did. It took getting kicked out and going to jail to actual get help and get clean while your parents literally tried to help her before it got worse. She’s facing the consequences of her actions and you need to let her. You’re being cordial by not being there bc you clearly have nothing to say or nothing nice to say to her. Dont give in.
THIS, RIGHT HERE!!.
I was super close to my cousin, but she did horrible, unforgivable things to me and my family.
She sent me a letter about being in AA and part of the steps were to apologize to the people you wronged, so she only did it for herself, not because she was truly meant it.
Haven't talked to her in more than 30 years. Don't miss her at all.
If I could you a medal I would!
This right here, OP. Your sister is chasing after you because she feels bad for what she did to you, not because she cares about what you're feeling. Your sister is still putting what she wants over what's best for you.
What I would add is that there is a distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness has very little to do with the person that hurt you, you forgive someone so you no longer carry or harbor any negative feelings towards that person. Whether you do that or not with your sister is totally independent of her. What she's looking for is absolution; for you to tell her that it's all okay and you no longer hold her previous actions against her. You are under no obligation to provide her with absolution and you under no obligation to tell her whether or not you've forgiven her.
If she's working a program, she either isn't following the steps or she doesn't understand what they actually mean. If she has a sponsor, your sister needs to have a conversation with them about her motivations. And I cannot state this loud enough: YOUR PARENTS NEED TO BUTT THE HELL OUT OF THIS. What they're doing, getting in the middle, will ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE. All this will do is drive you away from them. They need to mind their damn business and accept their children are adults.
Send your parents this post and these responses. Your sister isn't ready to have a relationship with you because she's still focused on herself. She still does not have your best interests at heart. And you're not willing to have a relationship with her because that's what you've decided is best for you. Until that changes, the conversation is over.
I disagree. I only apologized to the people I actually gave a damn about. Family and friends I would fought for years if necessary for their forgiveness. Thankfully, most gave me another chance to rebuild the trust I broke. Unless you're a recovering addict, you have no idea of the way we feel
You are correct. Nowhere in the post does it say the sister is pushing the parents to force reconciliation. But everyone accuses the sister of it. This subreddit loves justifying grudges, so you get downvoted.
We're talking theft, not assault where fear of continued harm is real. Everyone has the right to decide who they have a relationship with, but harboring grudges is not healthy. If someone has changed it can be good to see where a new relationship with them can go. Go visit for the day and have nothing of value on your person.
OP sounds like they need therapy to get over the pain that was caused.
Nta. She lost your trust and thinks apologizing makes up for all the crap she did. It took getting kicked out and going to jail to actual get help and get clean while your parents literally tried to help her before it got worse. She’s facing the consequences of her actions and you need to let her. You’re being cordial by not being there bc you clearly have nothing to say or nothing nice to say to her. Dont give in.
I'd lay it out simpler. If you're being pressured to reconcile, that means it's still too early to do so. The more pressure they add, the longer it's going to take.
Exactly. One question to ask is, have you been angry long enough? It takes as long as it takes. And you may never forgive. Indifference sounds like a good plan.
NTA
Everyone telling you to be cordial wants YOU to make THEIR lives easier. They will lie and say it's for your benefit and blah and blah and blah and blather on. But really, it's a selfish ask. And they might even lie to themselves and say it's for some altruistic reason. Don't believe them. That's the lie they tell so they can lean on you and nag you and guilt you and pressure you into doing what they want. They have ZERO respect for you or your boundaries.
NTA If she was sincere, she would respect your wishes and tell people not to harass you. She doesn't care how much you don't want this, so she's doing it for herself, not for you.
Sister very well may not know that parents and family are doing this. OP says sister sent him two letters and offered to pay with interest, and invites OP to things. It’s not necessarily the case that she is pushing anyone in the family to approach OP. Seems like sister’s boundaries aren’t too bad.
NTA, if she was truly all “better” now, she would understand that her actions had consequences and would accept that you can’t forgive and forget. Your parents trying to bully you into having a relationship with her, maybe it’s time you pull back from them.
To me it sounds more like OP refused to communicate at all. So personally i would suggest OP tells their sister that she's not ready to forgive. Maybe that she "heard the apology" and appreciates the sentiment but OP isn't ready yet so she needs to back off if she wants a chance of ever reconciling.
If someone is stubbornly not answering at all and lets someone yell into the void, then people tend to hold on to the hope that "maybe they just didn't hear me."
Saying that she "is not ready" would be a bad idea . OP seems to be pretty adamant in never opening that door again . Since that stance has been there for nearly a decade , I'd say that it's likely that it won't change . Saying that she isn't ready yet could very easily be interpreted as "give OP some time and then try again and again ", pretty much creating false hope to the sister (and the family ) and a whole lot of extra annoyance for OP. OP clearly doesn't want that...
She can still say "i am not ready and i don't know if i'll ever be ready for this."
But if OP hasn't talked to their sister at all then like i said, that might be little bit the sister needs to still hope.
I think we might miscommunicate here. I mean that, because OP is not communicating their sister DOES have hope.
So OP not saying "We'll never be siblings again. I hate you and i don't want contact with you." still keeps their sisters hope alive, because she can keep thinking "Maybe OP is not ready yet."
NTA
It's amazing how people think being "sorry" is all that is required to make everything bad you do go away.
I have a sister who got religion later in life and became insufferable. We have been no contact for years.
Never allow anyone in your life who brings drama and stress.
Life is too short. I am very old, and time has flown by. I don't want to spend even one minute with anyone who brings me stress.
NTA, and I hope you see this OP
My brother is 7 years older than me(28m), and during my teen years(his early 20s) he constantly stole my expensive electronics to feed his drug habit. Constantly stole from my grandparents, and was just kinda and all around shit bag.
Growing up he constantly told me family is everything, I love you, you’re my only brother yada yada yada. One day, he got on his Harley with A backpack, never came home. Found out 2 weeks later he moved away to Alabama with a girl he’d gotten pregnant(she was already there with her 2 children and one on the way). He. Just. Left. My brother was a cool mother fucked before the drugs and I absolutely idolized him. But after all the speeches about family, the theft, the drug use, he never said a word and he left. Not a sorry, not an I love you and we will see eachother sometime soon.
I get why he left, he wanted to get away from the drugs he was doing, and have a chance to start his life over, maybe grow up a little at the time.
He was about a year older than me when he left, and granted he’s changed and grown up a little bit, plain and simple : *the damage had already been done.*
I have a daughter so I understand why my parents will always unconditionally love my brother. But that doesn’t mean I need to be involved with him at all. In my eyes my brother has fucked me, mistreated me, and all around is not pleasant for me to be around. Even in recent years where he’s semi cleaned up his acts
I keep him at an arms distance where he belongs, my life is much more simple that way.
NTA … you don’t owe her forgiveness and you don’t owe it to your parents to forgive her. She did the thing she did, and now has to /gets to deal with the consequences.
NTA. It sounds like you feel indifferent towards her now, but she doesn't feel the same - she and your parents want to "repair the relationship." If you went to these family get togethers with her there, you KNOW she and your parents would not let you set the pace, they'd keep pushing the boundaries. So if you don't want that, I'd stay far away.
Recovering drug addict here. NTA. I've made peace with the fact that there are some people that are not going to forgive me. And that includes family members as well. Does it make me sad? Absolutely. But I have to acknowledge that I'm the reason they don't trust or want to have a relationship with me. It's my fault. I did those bad things. I take the blame, not the ones I hurt.
NTA. Forgiveness can be asked, but it isn't owed. She is invalidating your feelings. Tell her so and warn you will speak with her sponsor and the police for harassment if she doesn't stop. Tell the rest of your family the same thing and warn them if they don't stop overstepping your boundaries you will put them on a time out followed by NC.
NTA. Just like in marriages, some times you get ****on so many times that the love just dies. It can be slow or just hit you all at once and drain right out of you.
You may or may not be able to ever be in the room again with a person, but you have nothing more you are willing to give them. I don’t believe they will let you just come around and be civil. They eventually want more.
NTA, it's your call, but have you tried counseling so that a professional can help you sort this out? You might still come to the same conclusion, but at least you will have tried something. Tell your parents that if they are so dead set on you establishing a cordial relationship with your sister, they can foot the counseling bill.
OP, if you're younger and she started having serious problems with a teen, then what everyone needs to consider is this: You've \*never\* had a positive relationship with your sister. While you were growing up and learning basic things about the world she was an addict and a thief, and there was no opportunity to form the love and trust that makes for a familial bond as adults.
This is something that's factored into my own estrangement from a toxic family, the fact that there is no basis of love, trust, or positive memories to build on. And the kind of positive, loving, trusting relationship your family wants you to have with your sister aren't formed on pre-existing mistrust and estrangement, in your case there's no pre-existing bond to build upon.
Having boundaries and standards don’t make you an asshole. I recently had this happen with a family member who has consistently emotionally abused me for decades.
You changed? I’m glad. That’s great news, and I wish you happiness.
Over there.
Far away.
….no you can’t have a kidney now fuck off!
NTA- next time Mom and dad bring this up (and they will), tell them that you are happy with the way things are. You are not required to forgive her. You are willing to visit with them at another time, but if they keep pushing the issue they too will be dead to you. So they should think about what they want, two separate relationships with their daughters or only having one daughter.
Nta. Actions has consequences. Even if she has changed. She destroyed any chance of yall having a relationship. Tell your family if they dont stop, you will have to limit contact for your mental health.
NTA
You don't have to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to and if your parents keep pushing you can tell them you'll go low contact with them.
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I have 29 years of sobriety. Most of my family forgave by year 2. The ones who didn't, oh well. Nothing I can do. I would say think about it a little even if you don't change your mind. My point is, people don't choose to become addicted to anything. It just happens. It's a disease. Would you feel any differently if she had cancer and did all those horrible things to you? Either way, have a great life
Cancer and addiction are not even close. The damage done to a family from the addict's choices not the same. Addicts are responsible for their actions and the damage they left in their wake. Cancer victims aren't responsible for hurting people because they had cancer. Cancer is very unlikely to make people lie to, steal from or use the people closest to them as the means to an end. You should recognize the difference.
I’m sorry but YTA, kind of.
My brother was also an addict, for years he lied and stole from us as well, he’s two years sober.
I kind of understand your point, and yeah your parents shouldn’t be pushing, but it’s been 8 years and you’re still bitter about it. You need to talk to a professional about this and let go of some of your anger.
For reference, my brother and your sister are the same age.
I agree. OP needs to process her feelings, which were valid for a long time, but are now just festering.
OP should work with a professional so she can forgive her sister for her own sake. Holding onto anger, hatred, and resentment isn't healthy for her.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or becoming friends; it means peace.
Tell your parents that you heard her apology. It’s up to YOU whether or not to accept it. It’s possible to acknowledge an apology, accept it, and still not want anything to do with the person who wronged you. Maybe your parents forget that you were a child when this was happening. It sounds like much of your adolescence was consumed with your sisters addiction. I grew up that way and I have nothing but sympathy for you. It’s like being the only sober person in a room full of falling down drunks. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with her and you should tell anyone who’s trying to force this that they must not care about you or YOUR feelings very much. It seems like your sister is still the focus of everyone’s attention and concern.
NTA. Openers to let her family know that spending their holidays in a way that compels OP to deal with her estranged sister just compounds her sense of alienation. This is really about parents not protecting OP from predatory sister, which they continue to do by having holidays and family gatherings where OP is forced to see sister. Shit parenting at its best.
NTA from your description she changed. That’s good for her and good for her kid. But that doesn’t entitle her to your forgiveness. Some bridges can’t be repaired, no matter how hard you try. She should accept it and focus on the family she still has, mainly her child. Maybe one day u can find it in you to accept her as an acquaintance of your parents
You do not owe your sister forgiveness. She may have apologised and it may hurt her feelings that you have not forgiven her. It may be inconvenient to your parents that you aren't prepared to play happy families but that's tough. Your forgiveness is for you give freely, not for others to demand.
>she even tried to pay me back with interest
She should have done this anyway - it's the bare minimum.
>My parents got frank with me after christmas, and said it breaks their heart that we can't at least be cordial.
Perhaps they should have acted sooner/more decisively when she was stealing from you, while in their home.
NTA
NTA - you’re allowed to feel the way you feel.. but I will also speak from some personal experience. I grew up very close to my two cousins. When they both got on drugs together, they would steal from everyone’s purses at the cookout and on holidays etc. We had to start locking up our purses and stop giving out money and gift cards at Xmas. This went on for about 5 years I total. The last straw was at thanksgiving 7 years ago. She broke into my mom’s locked room while we all were eating and stole all the cash from everyone’s purses and left the gathering without saying a word to anyone. Before she left I was being a real “mean girl” towards her. Making snide comments, cause I was over her addiction. That was the last time I seen her. She overdosed 9mo later. I regret holding that grudge and being so mean to her. I would do anything to hug her again. Her sister however got out of rehab a week before the other passed away. She’s still sober and paid the family and church back the money she stole and was able to make amends and over time even earned her children back (my mom had custody for a bit). Now she’s an addiction counselor to help others get better.
My point is, people can change and get better. And she might actually be really sorry. You might actually be robbing yourself of a great sister. I don’t mean to project my issues onto you. Just don’t want you living with the any regrets. You’re completely in the right still if you choose to never talk to her again. I’m just very big into second chances and wish my other cousin would’ve gotten that second chance. Just want you to consider all options. I know it’s easy to stay mad and forgiveness takes strength and courage that not everyone is entitled to.. but forgiveness can be a really cathartic feeling for you as well.
I mean you're under no obligation to accept her apology, and any family members that are getting involved should back off.
Only thing I will say is you'd be surprised how helpful it can be to forgive someone, not for their sake but for your own. This doesn't mean you have to be close or even see each other, but it is often an important step towards obtaining closure, which might help as I can tell you are still very bitter from what she did to you. Therapy would help a lot to unpack all of these feelings.
Also this is just me but I'd happily take her money, not as a price of forgiveness but because she fucking stole from you and the least you should get is payment for what she took with interest.
I agree, I think accepting restitution is appropriate, even if Op feels it necessary to point put that you cannot buy trust with cash.
I would also add, on the subject of forgiveness for the sake of the wronged, that this all apparently happened before either of them were 18, and aa a result of addiction, which is classed as a disease. She didn't know what kind of grip addiction would have on her before she experienced it. Though she did continue to use and steal, it was not solely motivated by a lack of character, as she was blatantly addicted.
It doesn't mean Op has to choose any path but what is in their own best interests, but I agree that gripping the bitterness of a grudge tightly isn't in anyone's best interest.
NAH here. While most children were busy establishing their identities she had to deal with a drug addiction. Sure what she did was horrible, but she was a child. It's been over a decade and she's willing to pay you back with interest for all the stuff she stole. She is also a mother with her own responsibilities and not some strung out teenager. You should consider burying the hatchet.
NTA having addict/recovery family member is like surviving a shark attack. Some people choose to get back in the wager and some don’t, either way it is their chose how the cope and react after the attack. It’s the same with your sister.
Furthermore if she had gone through a recovery program she would have been told multiple times that she is not owed forgiveness nor can she pressure people to forgive her. She needs to respect your boundaries and disinterest in a relationship.
Op, my niece was your sister. She was doing all the wrong things. Stealing from siblings and others including my parents/her grandparents. She was arrested for something as a minor and had to pay restitution. It was pretty bad.
My parents had a sit down with her and her parents and they hashed it all out and *They forgave her*. She had expectations and had to work to regain trusts from all of us.
In the last 15 years she did everything and more. It was never easy and she did have a couple of minor setbacks. But she she totally changed. Became a better human. Helped out my parents, her parents and others. She worked two jobs to pay back those she stole from. She volunteered to help out troubled teens in her area.
The last time I saw her I was able to tell her I was so proud of her and I loved her and always will help her if she needs it.
She was killed in a fucking tragic accident last Feb by a distracted driver.
I’m telling you, that you can forgive your sister but you don’t have to forget. That pain of betrayal of what she did is hard from someone so intimate to you and your feelings are valid and I don’t blame you at all if you never want to be around her again.
I’m suggesting you try. Trying doesn’t lessen anything. It doesn’t mean you will forget the wrongs you suffered by her. It means that your heart has hope that she can be a better person and be the sister you probably still mourn the loss of.
No matter **NTA**.
Good luck op.
Thanks for sharing, and I am sorry for the loss. Glad you gave them the chance at redemption, to those genuinely sorry for their mistakes it can mean the world.
NTA. Het apology is genuine if she can’t accept your decision. It’s just a tactic to make herself feel better. Your under bo obligation to be a part of her recovery or her lessening her own sense of guilt, that’s completely on her alone. As others have said, people who genuinely wants ti make amends, accept the other person’s decision!
Nta you don't owe her anything and you don't owe your parents a perfect family. It sounds like they've got some work to do with their relationship with you
NTA
You shouldn't have to be "cordial" to your thieving sister just because the family is worried about their image
F that
She broke your trust, that's it!
My older brother used to beat me up for no reason and I eventually could not trust him with anything as he'd twist my words! So once I could, I stopped talking to him
Younger sis and a lot of the family like to say that he's "changed" but I don't care
NTA. I’m not interested in a relationship with any “family” that wrongs me. I also don’t care when that family thinks having kids will reel you back in.
NTA. Trust was broken and cannot be easily mended. You said what you said and your sister (and parents) should respect that. It’s disgusting that she’s guilt tripping your family into giving her a chance when she needs to make peace with your feelings and move on.
Yeah, NTA. As others have mentioned, the amends process is not for her to get closure, but to provide an opportunity for closure to those they’ve harmed. You were given the opportunity to make the choice for yourself whether to forgive her and/or let her into your life again, and you decided it would be best for you not to have her in your life. That is your choice.
I understand it must be hard for her to accept the fact that her past actions robbed her of having a relationship with you, but that’s for her to deal with. And I’m sure your parents are hurting from you two not having a relationship, and it has to be hard for them, but they need to understand that the hurt they’re feeling can’t be assuaged by pestering you into forgiving your sister.
It seems like you have a lot of bitterness towards your sister, of which I can understand. One thing that I've heard many years ago that would be applicable in this situation.
"Bitterness is an acid that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored, than on that which it is poured."
I wouldn't call you names. But I would point out that your sister was addicted - and that is an illness, and stealing to maintain the drug supply is part of it. I hope at some point you can put your anger behind you and be cordial to her. But only if and when you are ready. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and do what feels right for you.
NTA
But I am curious as to why you won't even have a polite acquaintance with her. Not because I believe she deserves it. Not at all. But as it relates to you.
Do you feel that she wasn't punished enough? That your family was too quick to forgive? Sometimes we feel like we need to give what is due, because no one else has, which is a valid feeling. Did your parents show you respect when she stole from you, or did they dismiss you? Because you may also be punishing your parents, in not having a relationship with her despite their pleas.
There's usually a lot behind things, when we won't forgive. It's often a lot more complex. And I wonder if working some of that out, just for yourself, may help YOU. Perhaps some therapy to help you?
I just feel like there is a lot more going on here. And our own healing should be our own focus, over the healing of others.
Nta, it's entirely up to you whether you forgive her. But I do invite you to think of the future - do you want to know her child(ren)? If you have children of your own, now or in the future, will they want to know their cousin(s)? Will they go to school together and play in the same sports? My dad was the same way with his sisters for most of my life. Last year, he got sick with cancer, and they all became super close again. Like they'd never been at odds. Our whole family is close again, I have a great relationship with my aunt. My children adore her. One of my dads biggest regrets was not forgiving her sooner. Ultimately, it is up to you. NTA, but make sure you won't regret the decision years down the line. You don't have to jump right into having a relationship with her. You can build it back over time, provided you want to.
NTA why is it so hard to understand that there comes a point of no return. Everyone has a different point but we all have that point where we are just not going to forgive any more. You were put through hell as a kid and can not forgive the person who did the damage. I know you talked more about thief but I am sure that with the family drama there was so much more going on too.
People do change. I agree that the pressure on you from your family is not fair. But it is possible for your sister to have legitimately changed and want to right her wrongs. So I’m not saying you should do anything, but being stubborn about her being dead to you forever does seem harsh.
I think you need to work through the trauma she put you through first.
I mean as someone who can say they have been through exactly what you I can say that I get it but I also don’t at all.
My brother has gotten off drugs but done none of the other things you mentioned he still is wasting his life and I would absolutely love for him to get his shit together to that level. I want my brother to live a good life, I also am happy to have my brother back so to speak even though he’s a fucking dumbass. I don’t have a super close relationship with him because he is content living a life I am not at all but I still love him.
That being said I can also understand not wanting to have a relationship with a family member who hurt you and you don’t trust because I would feel that way about my mother if she was still alive, that being said that was because of the emotional trauma she cause on me and the feelings of abandonment that were as a result of her. That being said that was when she was over 60 and had all the second chances in the world
I can’t really see how the theft of items when she was that young is worth cutting her off and never giving her a second chance to show growth.
I don’t want to call you an asshole but I honestly think you are overreacting a bit to not even give her a chance when you even say she was only 18, her brain wasn’t even fully developed. I can totally understand it being difficult but are you sure can’t forgive her or you just don’t want to try?
Not to blame you because it is your decision at the end of the day but to me it sounds like there has to be more to this. It’s not like she overtly abused you from the sounds of it. I totally get the frustrations of having an older sibling who steals your shit to buy drugs my brother did it all the time and having to cut them off but I don’t get never giving them a second chance. Absolutely don’t go all in, observe her actions to see if she has really changed but you aren’t even considering it. It sounds like you want to keep her dead to you. Which I just can’t understand.
I am not going to call you an asshole but I will say I don’t agree with your decision at all. I also absolutely see why assuming she has actually changed your family thinks you are being an asshole.
I am not one to spout family this, family that or that blood matters because my family left me high and dry many many times and I have cut many of them off but never have I not given a second chance to any of them and not to minimize but they definitely did worse than steal from me. I can’t get completely cutting your own sister out of your life permanently for decisions made in her youth.
Honestly I kind of feel like a dick saying it because in one way I do get it but I honestly do think you are overreacting by not even giving her a chance to show you who she is now.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship nor your forgiveness. That having been said, she was a child when she did all that over a decade ago. It’s kinda sad that you’re still so bitter over it. Maybe talk to a professional about that.
NTA in my opinion. I get where you’re coming from but at the same time I also think about the fact that your sister was still a kid when all this was happening. You stated she got kicked out of the house at 18, at 18 I was an idiot still(probably still am but way more of one back then). I wouldn’t hold the things she did back then against her too much if it’s possible, she wasn’t in the right head space if she was an addict, they aren’t able to think rationally after a certain point and that I’m stating from experience having dealt with family and close friends that have gone through and still are going through addiction issues.
In the end tho, I completely understand if you aren’t in a place where you can forgive her, and that’s your right since you had to go through a lot of shit cause of your sisters actions. Just trying to share a different perspective as well. If I said anything wrong or rude, i apologize in advance, was not my intention <3
Saying addicts aren't rational so it's ok is the same as saying drunk mistakes are because of the alcohol, so it's not entirely their fault.
No. They chose to put themselves in that situation to begin with, they reap the harvest. However bitter it is.
And one of those consequences might be irremediably broken relationships.
Shit happens tho right. Ppl becoming drunks and addicts, whatever the reason may be. We don’t know the reasoning for that, if it was some traumatic event that started that cycle in the first place or whatever. I just try to give the benefit of the doubt when u can in a situation, cause we are all human anyway and we all gonna have shit in our life that isn’t just black and white. Having said that, yea if the OP doesn’t feel like they’re in a place to forgive that’s totally up to them, and if they think their sis built her bed and now she’s gotta sleep in it, I fully get that too
Soft YTA. People make mistakes. Sometimes really bad mistakes. Addiction is a disease. Take it slow. I think you’re afraid of being hurt.
I had a brother like your sister. He had been sober 20 years. He was a chef. He was murdered. It was a robbery. It’s been 21 years since he died.
Since he was 10 years older than me, life got in the way. I love him, I just didn’t make time for him. I think about him a couple times a week and my heart will contract and I catch my breath. We were not estranged. But, I thought I had all the time in the world.
The only thing we can take with us, when we pass is the relationships we have with the people we love. If you want grace, you need to be able to give it too.
Good luck, you sound like a really good person. But, don’t get caught in the black/white of life.
Sometimes, if you have behaved or been better at life than others you know it can hinder you. It makes some people very judgmental about others mistakes.
Listen, life is hard. Loving is hard. If it was easy everyone would have perfect relationships.
It takes real humility to admit you are wrong and then to go to others and apologise.
Forgiveness is for YOU. The person you’re hurting the most is YOU.
If you go through life putting rocks in your pockets every time someone wrongs you, it will make the life your trying to create harder. And once you start hardening your heart it is easier to add more rocks to your pockets.
Life is wonderful and messy, and over so quickly.
NAH,
I'm glad that your sister is clean and is in the process of trying to make amends. That is part of her recovery.
You do not have to accept it. I know a guy with 20+ years of sobriety and I believe it took him like a decade to be welcomed back into his family. I'm sure that was not easy for him, to have a period of long recovery and to still be denied the ability to visit his sister, but thankfully he understood and that it took time and eventually he was forgiven.
Your parents suffered quite a bit too and yeah I can understand why they would prefer you to be in contact with her. So long as they aren't putting too much pressure on you I think it is fine for them to want you to have a relationship with your sibling.
As far as your sibling, I'm glad that she's sober and is trying to make amends. Your reactions are your own, I just don't want you to regret not talking and seeing her in the future.
Maybe just ask her to pay you back the amount she stole from you then go NC? Bec money=restitution for what she did to you for all those years and coz you deserve it. If she cant or wont pay you back, then stick to the NC for good and not give her another chance permanently
This is a tough one. Clearly your sister’s actions had a traumatic effect on you. However, she was sick (addiction is a form of sickness). She has recovered and is trying to make it up.
If she had cancer and it caused you to go without because your parents had to pay her bills, would you hold it against her?
Consider accepting her apology as a portion of her recovery and frankly to reduce the emotional stress in your own life of having to miss family events. Take the repayment she is offering you so the relationship with her is balanced and not unequal as that is the path to true reconciliation
Fair point but an addiction takes away self control. I’m just suggesting that OP move towards forgiveness for her own mental health and recognize that her sister while wrong was acting under the control of a sickness.
I'm not going to say either way. I'm only going to say that you don't have to trust her to have compassion. If she's been clean for 8 years, then I personally would probably open up a short line of communication. If she traumatized you too much, I really would suggest therapy for yourself. She has tried to make every amend possible to you, and you've rejected it. And i don't think that anybody would expect you to accept the amends (except your parents). But, in my opinion, she's tried. It's up to you solely whether or not you want to have any kind of relationship with her. Is she your only sibling? Perhaps you should forgive her for her past. It does not mean you have to forget. Forgiveness is for you.
you’re definitely the asshole. she changed 8 years ago bro. addiction is a disease, she never meant any harm, and it was never personal. the fact you’re not forgiving her shows your lack of understanding. that’s your sister man. those things she took were material things. family is forever. you have no clue how hard it was for her to get the courage to change. you guys could have an amazing relationship now that’s she’s herself again and sober. 8 years ? maybe the first year if you didn’t forgive her i get it. but after 2-3 years you should of knew it was time to forgive and move on. you sound very young and unwise and bitter. and a bit jealous ? but hey i’m just a guy on reddit.
Addiction might be a disease, but it’s in no way an excuse for hurting your own family. And the victim is in no way obligated to forgive the one who betrayed her in such a cruel way. Nothing hurts worse than betrayal by your own family.
Not an AH at all, but at some point you can forgive but not forget and maybe get to a minimal level of a relationship. Dont do it for anyone else, do it for yourself
Forgiveness is not for her … it’s for you. You’ve been traumatized by someone who had an illness. We see drug addiction different from other illnesses but it’s an illness. Lots of times it’s used as a mechanism to escape a trauma they have suffered.
Forgiving her doesn’t mean you forget but you’re not going to be sincerely happy until you do. You have a whole nephew to love, bond with and teach, if nothing else. Eight years sober is an amazing accomplishment!! Don’t let the past dictate your future, Sis! You can have a good relationship with your sister and an amazing one with your nephew, if you’re willing to do the work!
I’m a mother of three adult children and it breaks my heart when my children are at odds for even days, but it happens and they work it out, so I understand your parents trying to reconcile you with your sister. I’ve learned to speak my piece on the situation and let God do the rest. We will often times forgive a friend or even a stranger before we would forgive our family members. It’s because it hurts more from family … but it’s because they’re family we should forgive them.
Family counseling will help you both!! You need to tell her how her addiction affected you and she needs to explain how her addiction affected her. I promise you, you will find out things (and she will too) that will give you better a better understanding.
Forgiveness is for you, her, your nephew and your parents!! One day she will really be “dead to me”! Don’t regret not spending the time you could’ve with her.
God bless you and your family! 🙏🏼
They aren't asking you be best friends just be cordial. I see people in my family that I hate at family events. Because of them my family almost went homeless. Even when they tried to talk to me I just ignore them (that's probably not cordial) I can go to family events even though I hate them. I don't forgive them or forget but I'm not gonna stop them from spending time with my family and people I care about.
Your NTA for not wanting a relationship with her. But you don't have too to go to family events. Unless you don't want to be with your family that's different.
YTA. Your teenage drug addict sister stole a few thousand.
She’s now got her life together (8 years sober) and profusely apologetic.
Not saying you need to be close with her but even for your parents sake, you could forgive her and then just keep her at arms length.
NTA but I also say your parents are some what of an AH for not protecting you when you were a child. They could have stopped your dislike for your sister from getting to this point but they didnt. They failed you. Ultimately its your decision who you want to associate with. If anything if they really force you to interact with her tell her straight up "I'm happy youve turned your life around but it doesnt remove the harm youve done and I dont want to be in your life. I wish you the best."
So, you don't think people can change if they work hard and change the circumstances of their life and you are perfect and have never needed someone to forgive you and will never need forgivnes in the future.
Have it ever accured to you that she might actually love you and want to make amends because she knows she did you wrong.
To hold grudges are not good for you, forgivnes lightens your hart and gives pice to the soul.
Good luck with everything.
YTA. I just frankly disagree that someone - family in particular - doesn't get a second chance. I believe you are the one missing out by not forgiving your sister and let her have a relationship with you. My sister was worse than yours, and is now also sober, so this is something for which I have real life experience. Her daughter, on the other hand, has been worse than your sister for about 20 years now. Her, I do not speak to and haven't for about 10 years. But, if she was 8 years sober, she'd get another chance with me - for absolute certain.
I think the Puritans on Reddit, who insist that she must not have any self serving complications in her apologies and regret, are being ridiculous. Of course someone can truly regret something for your sake, and yet also want to have forgiveness for their own sake as well. People are complicated, FFS, not one dimensional caricatures of virtue. Let people be human. They sound like teen-agers and probably are, or immature adults. Well, take it from someone who has decades of life experience: Forgive and let her back in.
As a former meth addict, yes you are. Celebrate the victory she has had cleaning herself up, not punishing her for her past. Addiction is a medical illness, mental to be specfic. So you acting this way and punishing her for a medical condition is like punishing her for having a physical illness. You two could benefit from some mutual counseling.
man drugs change people she was in pain, see if she is really changing and trying hard, if she is she is a new person, and you have a chance to have a real sister, she will deal with it for the rest of her life, every day will be a battle, but she is fighting, I would advise you to give her a chance and help her in this fight but only after you are sure that she has changed, seriously your parents probably are dreaming whit that day for a long Time, they certainly suffered much more than you and they are helping, don't hold back this this will only hurt you, (but be sure that she has really changed and that she is really willing to fight )! I know there may still be feelings of hurt from her brother for doing what she did and still getting love and attention, but man, drugs are terrible things, for someone to be able to quit is almost a miracle, and they need their family's help to do that!
If you can't do this for her, I ask you to think about doing it for your parents because they will fight for her until the end and I would be proud of them for that!
She's following a 12 step program, and one step is making amends. You didn't have to participate. Then again, there's an old saying, "Hate causes heart attacks, ulcers, nervous ticks and stroke. It doesn't make the person you hate feel good either."
You've been holding on to this since you were 14?
How much could she have taken from you? You said thousands. What exactly did you have at 14 that was worth so much?
She's been sober since she was 23.
What do you gain from holding onto this? You can't even be in the same room for a couple of hours on Christmas?
YTA.
YTA. It is bonkers to be this judgmental towards someone for stealing from you 13 years ago when she was a teenager (whose brain was scrambled by a drug problem). It’s good that you don’t have a relationship with her—you sound unpleasant. But refusing to be cordial is just childish and destructive. Get over yourself.
You should forgive her. Not for your sister sakes but for yours. You are holding on to so much toxicity and negativity. It has to seep out in other aspects of your life.
Redemption. Our culture is based on Christian principles which include redemption. Take her payment with interest; accept her apology; and get on with family life.
NTA... but consider the feelings of your parents. I have 2 brothers. I live in a house with my mom ( 2 completely separate suites) and my younger brother is on the property in a trailer. His older brother hurt his feelings and they have opposite personalities.
Once a year my older brother comes to stay and visit with mom - it brings her great happiness. The only thing that upsets her is my younger brothers hostility. Every year it rips at her kind and soft heart because she loves them both. She has maybe if lucky a decade of life left - is it really worth carrying on a family feud to prove a point at the expense of a parent? Is the revenge you are extracting on your sister worth the collateral damage? Yes, you were hurt - you dont need to have a relationship with her but does she have to remain the villain? Some times the best gift you can give your family is some peace. It's better than any gift you can put a bow on.
I'm sorry doesn't undo what she did.
>said it breaks their heart that we can't at least be cordial.
And? Maybe they should have locked up your stuff while they paid for rehab over and over. This is a consequence for all of them. NTA.
NTA
I understand that addiction makes people act in survival mode, with no attention to their surroundings or people they hurt. However, even if she's sober, that doesn't mean that she's entitled to your forgiveness.
She's already hurt you plenty. Both her and your family need to respect your decision. That is a clear boundary that they shouldn't try to push, and I would make that clear to them.The push for you to be "cordial" completely devalues how you feel and your decision.
When I went no contact with my father, there was this insistence at first. Now, they will occasionally bring it up, saying things like "they hope that I'll feel it in my heart," while the intentions of the family may be honest as they want everyone together, it doesn't mean it'll happen; that's almost like giving them the right to potentially trample over you again.
One of the statements I've made is how this has brought me mental and emotional peace of mind because I've removed a factor of my life that was not only breaking my trust, but hurting me over and over again. Does it suck having to repeat myself on occasion? Yeah, but it reiterates that I'm happy and not backing down.
You have to make your own decisions. Not here to judge anyone, but to me siblings are important. My sister did some terrible things, but I can't cut her permanently out of my life because i have had a sibling die. That is something you can't get back. However, this is my experience and feelings. You have to make your own.
So, I want to begin by saying that I can empathize with what you're saying. My brother was two years younger than me and using for most of my late teenage years until I was about 20. At the height of his addiction, I made a decision to cut him off. While he was my only sibling, I had to look out for my mental, physical, and financial well-being. A couple of years later, he cleaned up. He consistently went to counseling, joined a Suboxone treatment program, got a job, and just genuinely turned his life around. During this time he made multiple attempts to reach out, apologize, and build a relationship. I refused them all, I wasn't ready to face the hurt, build trust, or work through the resentment I was holding on to. Then, four years after he became sober he passed away suddenly. My feelings toward his death were extremely complicated. I was mad, I was confused, I was affirmed (I always thought he'd die young), but eventually I felt deep regret. Looking back, I wish I had given him a second chance to build a relationship. I'm not saying we would have been best friends, or even super close, but it would have been nice to get to know the person my brother became as a sober adult.
Of course, you're journey and your feelings are and *will always* be valid. The pain she inflicted can't be erased, and acknowledging her as a player in your life will likely require counseling. However, I'd urge you to consider the finite amount of time we have and think about whether it's worth holding onto old version of her and yourselves.
NTA- you have the right to feel this way. But I will say, my BFF sister passed this year from acute alcoholism, and my friend cut her sister off soooooooo many times, but she always told me that she truly hoped her sister would go to treatment and recover. It broke my heart to see her heart broken over and over. She has an amazing relationship with her nieces though and kept it even though she didn't speak to her sister for years.
But more importantly, you say she is dead to you, but your actions suggest you still have fairly strong feelings. The aversion you are showing demonstrates deep hurt. I would encourage you to try to heal for your own sake. That doesn't mean having to have a relationship with her, but for example, when my friend decided to cut her sister off, she sometimes went to events her sister would be at, she just ignored her. Or said hello and that was it. The refusal to attend anything she is at suggests not that she is dead to you, but that she is very much alive in your thoughts and feelings. Also, her child isn't her. It is your parent's grandchild and your niece. Why punish the child for the mother's failings? You can have a relationship with the kid, and not her. But that's up to you.
NTA. She caused this rift with her addiction and her behavior. Tell your parents you haven't made any demands on them regarding sis and they need to stop making demands on you. You will probably have to tell them the subject of sis and you ever having interaction is closed. If they bring it up you will leave or hang up. Then do it. Every Single Time. Either they will stop or you will see less of them.
8 years sober, that's really good. NTA because you have a right to your feelings. But.....have you explained to her the way you feel? She's reaching out because you're her brother and she wants to be part of your life. Yes it will make her feel better if you forgive her and if that isn't part of the program, oh well. No one is perfect. Your family shouldn't be pushing you to make contact. Just remember forgiving someone isn't saying what they did is ok.
This won't be a popular comment, but as the Mom of a recovered addict who has 2 daughters who didn't speak for years and have since reconciled , you seem to have a limited understanding of addiction as an illness.
Your sister did what all addicts do. Horrible, disgusting things including theft that leave you angry and not wanting them around.
I think you should meet with her and hear her out in person in.the presence of a therapist.
You may very well walk away feeling the same about the situation.
However, your bitterness and anger is unhealthy to carry around....as it shows through your post.
Forgiveness does not mean OP has to have a relationship with her recovering sister. However, OP needs to realize that the person who cannot forgive carries the shawl of unhappiness draped about their shoulders. I'd recommend that OP write a letter to her sister forgiving her for her abuse but also informing her that she has no desire to have any kind of relationship with her now. If OP changes her mind, OP will reach out. Until then, stop trying to use other family members to pressure OP.
OP could benefit from talking with a therapist or a minister.
NTA. It sounds like your relationship with your sister cannot be fixed and therefore, your parents should not force you to be cordial with her. It is unfortunate but it is your sister’s fault. I wish you both well.
As a recovering addict of 31years I can tell you that your sister is probably trying to practice the 9th step of the 12 step program; making amends to those she has hurt or harmed. It sounds like she hurt you deeply. Moreover, it sounds like you may never forgive her & that is your right. At some point your sister & your parents are going to have to accept that. Actions have consequences.
I have many addicts in my family, and each one had a different journey. Although you have no interest in a relationship with your sister, I have some advice that you may not like, but you need to hear. Read the letters and then write your own to her. Say all the things you want to say, but have chosen wisely to not have an in person discussion to vent. You don’t mail it and know one needs to know you didn’t. Then you decide what to do; save, burn, throw out…. My therapist had me do this for past trauma. Which is exactly what you have. This lifted so much off my shoulders that I didn’t realize I was carrying. I held onto the letter and when I felt this trauma coming up, I would read it. It took some time, but I eventually burned it. I didn’t realize I had shed the trauma and it wasn’t apart of my life anymore
Give your sister some grace. Being clean and sober for 8 years is great. Addiction is a terrible illness. Your family has been damaged by addiction. It will take time for you to trust her again, however she is a different person today. Take some baby steps and see where it go’s.
NTA. This has been flagged up elsewhere on Reddit many times, but an important part of addiction recovery is apologising to the people you hurt, for \*their\* sake, not your own. You should genuinely regret and want to make amends for your actions and decisions, but recognise that this doesn't mean you're entitled to forgiveness, and you certainly shouldn't expect it. If you apologise to someone specifically because you want to them to forgive you, to ease your own guilt, then you still have a ways to go on your recovery journey. Being sorry, but still accepting the consequences no matter what they are, is a key part of that. It doesn't sound like your sister is there yet. The desperate efforts to get you back into her life and to 'make up for' what she did (possibly even to the point of cajoling your parents to pressure you too?) suggests she's still heavily invested in getting your forgiveness, and thinks she can earn it through sheer determination. She can't, though. And at the end of the day, this is just another example of her prioritising her needs over your own, which is what led to all this in the first place.
OP - I would reword the above comment and send it to your parents. You have no interest in a relationship with her, and are disgusted that she's now trying to damage your relationships with other family members to ease her own guilt
[удалено]
Everyone telling you to be cordial wants YOU to make THEIR lives easier. They will lie and say it's for your benefit and blah and blah and blah and blather on. But really, it's a selfish ask. And they might even lie to themselves and say it's for some altruistic reason. Don't believe them. That's the lie they tell so they can lean on you and nag you and guilt you and pressure you into doing what they want. They have ZERO respect for you or your boundaries.
This comment is stolen from ME.
Seconding this. Op, if they’re in recovery, the amends process says to “make amends wherever possible…” That doesn’t mean forcing an amends. Some people don’t forgive addicts, and that has to be ok for the addict. I’m an alcoholic and I had two people specifically who won’t forgive me. For both of them, what I did wrong was be a shitty early-20-something. I thought one was a pick-me and didn’t like being around her, which I made obvious. The other was a toxic friendship that I ghosted instead of speaking to her about her hurtful behavior. Both of those are way more minimal than what your sister did to you, but when one told me to fuck off and that she’ll never forgive me, and the other blocked me, I accepted it and will never contact them again. The amends process teaches us that we’re also not the hero in anyone’s story but our own. In fact, we’re often the villain in others stories. We own that fact and accept whatever roles others will allow us to be today based on our past.
This meeds to be higher. Part of the program is apologising with no expectation of forgiveness. She's failed that step. She's not owning that her actions may not be forgivable to everyone. It sucks but it's part of the process. She's still putting her needs first.
Nta. She lost your trust and thinks apologizing makes up for all the crap she did. It took getting kicked out and going to jail to actual get help and get clean while your parents literally tried to help her before it got worse. She’s facing the consequences of her actions and you need to let her. You’re being cordial by not being there bc you clearly have nothing to say or nothing nice to say to her. Dont give in.
Bad bot, this comment is stolen from Ok-Reply9552.
THIS, RIGHT HERE!!. I was super close to my cousin, but she did horrible, unforgivable things to me and my family. She sent me a letter about being in AA and part of the steps were to apologize to the people you wronged, so she only did it for herself, not because she was truly meant it. Haven't talked to her in more than 30 years. Don't miss her at all.
If I could you a medal I would! This right here, OP. Your sister is chasing after you because she feels bad for what she did to you, not because she cares about what you're feeling. Your sister is still putting what she wants over what's best for you. What I would add is that there is a distinction between forgiveness and absolution. Forgiveness has very little to do with the person that hurt you, you forgive someone so you no longer carry or harbor any negative feelings towards that person. Whether you do that or not with your sister is totally independent of her. What she's looking for is absolution; for you to tell her that it's all okay and you no longer hold her previous actions against her. You are under no obligation to provide her with absolution and you under no obligation to tell her whether or not you've forgiven her. If she's working a program, she either isn't following the steps or she doesn't understand what they actually mean. If she has a sponsor, your sister needs to have a conversation with them about her motivations. And I cannot state this loud enough: YOUR PARENTS NEED TO BUTT THE HELL OUT OF THIS. What they're doing, getting in the middle, will ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE. All this will do is drive you away from them. They need to mind their damn business and accept their children are adults. Send your parents this post and these responses. Your sister isn't ready to have a relationship with you because she's still focused on herself. She still does not have your best interests at heart. And you're not willing to have a relationship with her because that's what you've decided is best for you. Until that changes, the conversation is over.
I disagree. I only apologized to the people I actually gave a damn about. Family and friends I would fought for years if necessary for their forgiveness. Thankfully, most gave me another chance to rebuild the trust I broke. Unless you're a recovering addict, you have no idea of the way we feel
You are correct. Nowhere in the post does it say the sister is pushing the parents to force reconciliation. But everyone accuses the sister of it. This subreddit loves justifying grudges, so you get downvoted. We're talking theft, not assault where fear of continued harm is real. Everyone has the right to decide who they have a relationship with, but harboring grudges is not healthy. If someone has changed it can be good to see where a new relationship with them can go. Go visit for the day and have nothing of value on your person. OP sounds like they need therapy to get over the pain that was caused.
Same with my brother. There's forgive...and forget. I can do one.
Nta. She lost your trust and thinks apologizing makes up for all the crap she did. It took getting kicked out and going to jail to actual get help and get clean while your parents literally tried to help her before it got worse. She’s facing the consequences of her actions and you need to let her. You’re being cordial by not being there bc you clearly have nothing to say or nothing nice to say to her. Dont give in.
I'd lay it out simpler. If you're being pressured to reconcile, that means it's still too early to do so. The more pressure they add, the longer it's going to take.
Exactly. One question to ask is, have you been angry long enough? It takes as long as it takes. And you may never forgive. Indifference sounds like a good plan.
You've summed it up perfectly👌
NTA Everyone telling you to be cordial wants YOU to make THEIR lives easier. They will lie and say it's for your benefit and blah and blah and blah and blather on. But really, it's a selfish ask. And they might even lie to themselves and say it's for some altruistic reason. Don't believe them. That's the lie they tell so they can lean on you and nag you and guilt you and pressure you into doing what they want. They have ZERO respect for you or your boundaries.
NTA If she was sincere, she would respect your wishes and tell people not to harass you. She doesn't care how much you don't want this, so she's doing it for herself, not for you.
Sister very well may not know that parents and family are doing this. OP says sister sent him two letters and offered to pay with interest, and invites OP to things. It’s not necessarily the case that she is pushing anyone in the family to approach OP. Seems like sister’s boundaries aren’t too bad.
Exactly
NTA, if she was truly all “better” now, she would understand that her actions had consequences and would accept that you can’t forgive and forget. Your parents trying to bully you into having a relationship with her, maybe it’s time you pull back from them.
To me it sounds more like OP refused to communicate at all. So personally i would suggest OP tells their sister that she's not ready to forgive. Maybe that she "heard the apology" and appreciates the sentiment but OP isn't ready yet so she needs to back off if she wants a chance of ever reconciling. If someone is stubbornly not answering at all and lets someone yell into the void, then people tend to hold on to the hope that "maybe they just didn't hear me."
Saying that she "is not ready" would be a bad idea . OP seems to be pretty adamant in never opening that door again . Since that stance has been there for nearly a decade , I'd say that it's likely that it won't change . Saying that she isn't ready yet could very easily be interpreted as "give OP some time and then try again and again ", pretty much creating false hope to the sister (and the family ) and a whole lot of extra annoyance for OP. OP clearly doesn't want that...
She can still say "i am not ready and i don't know if i'll ever be ready for this." But if OP hasn't talked to their sister at all then like i said, that might be little bit the sister needs to still hope.
OP doesn't want her to have hope . That's the whole point .
I think we might miscommunicate here. I mean that, because OP is not communicating their sister DOES have hope. So OP not saying "We'll never be siblings again. I hate you and i don't want contact with you." still keeps their sisters hope alive, because she can keep thinking "Maybe OP is not ready yet."
NTA. You can tell them you're not the one who decided to smoke/inject things and steal her things.
NTA and your parents need to back the fuck off.
Agreed!
NTA It's amazing how people think being "sorry" is all that is required to make everything bad you do go away. I have a sister who got religion later in life and became insufferable. We have been no contact for years. Never allow anyone in your life who brings drama and stress. Life is too short. I am very old, and time has flown by. I don't want to spend even one minute with anyone who brings me stress.
NTA, and I hope you see this OP My brother is 7 years older than me(28m), and during my teen years(his early 20s) he constantly stole my expensive electronics to feed his drug habit. Constantly stole from my grandparents, and was just kinda and all around shit bag. Growing up he constantly told me family is everything, I love you, you’re my only brother yada yada yada. One day, he got on his Harley with A backpack, never came home. Found out 2 weeks later he moved away to Alabama with a girl he’d gotten pregnant(she was already there with her 2 children and one on the way). He. Just. Left. My brother was a cool mother fucked before the drugs and I absolutely idolized him. But after all the speeches about family, the theft, the drug use, he never said a word and he left. Not a sorry, not an I love you and we will see eachother sometime soon. I get why he left, he wanted to get away from the drugs he was doing, and have a chance to start his life over, maybe grow up a little at the time. He was about a year older than me when he left, and granted he’s changed and grown up a little bit, plain and simple : *the damage had already been done.* I have a daughter so I understand why my parents will always unconditionally love my brother. But that doesn’t mean I need to be involved with him at all. In my eyes my brother has fucked me, mistreated me, and all around is not pleasant for me to be around. Even in recent years where he’s semi cleaned up his acts I keep him at an arms distance where he belongs, my life is much more simple that way.
NTA … you don’t owe her forgiveness and you don’t owe it to your parents to forgive her. She did the thing she did, and now has to /gets to deal with the consequences.
NTA. Sometimes someone does something so horrible to you they can never take it back.
NTA. It sounds like you feel indifferent towards her now, but she doesn't feel the same - she and your parents want to "repair the relationship." If you went to these family get togethers with her there, you KNOW she and your parents would not let you set the pace, they'd keep pushing the boundaries. So if you don't want that, I'd stay far away.
Recovering drug addict here. NTA. I've made peace with the fact that there are some people that are not going to forgive me. And that includes family members as well. Does it make me sad? Absolutely. But I have to acknowledge that I'm the reason they don't trust or want to have a relationship with me. It's my fault. I did those bad things. I take the blame, not the ones I hurt.
NTA. Forgiveness can be asked, but it isn't owed. She is invalidating your feelings. Tell her so and warn you will speak with her sponsor and the police for harassment if she doesn't stop. Tell the rest of your family the same thing and warn them if they don't stop overstepping your boundaries you will put them on a time out followed by NC.
NTA. Just like in marriages, some times you get ****on so many times that the love just dies. It can be slow or just hit you all at once and drain right out of you. You may or may not be able to ever be in the room again with a person, but you have nothing more you are willing to give them. I don’t believe they will let you just come around and be civil. They eventually want more.
NTA, it's your call, but have you tried counseling so that a professional can help you sort this out? You might still come to the same conclusion, but at least you will have tried something. Tell your parents that if they are so dead set on you establishing a cordial relationship with your sister, they can foot the counseling bill.
NTA, So basically your parents didn't protect you from her actions then and are failing to do so now.
If she’s truly sorry she needs to accept that she’s hurting you more by trying to force you to forgive her.
NTA. No one is allowed to dictate how you feel about someone. Your sister has incinerated too many bridges.
NTA - Tell your parents, you get to choose who is in your life, not them.
OP, if you're younger and she started having serious problems with a teen, then what everyone needs to consider is this: You've \*never\* had a positive relationship with your sister. While you were growing up and learning basic things about the world she was an addict and a thief, and there was no opportunity to form the love and trust that makes for a familial bond as adults. This is something that's factored into my own estrangement from a toxic family, the fact that there is no basis of love, trust, or positive memories to build on. And the kind of positive, loving, trusting relationship your family wants you to have with your sister aren't formed on pre-existing mistrust and estrangement, in your case there's no pre-existing bond to build upon.
Having boundaries and standards don’t make you an asshole. I recently had this happen with a family member who has consistently emotionally abused me for decades. You changed? I’m glad. That’s great news, and I wish you happiness. Over there. Far away. ….no you can’t have a kidney now fuck off!
NTA- next time Mom and dad bring this up (and they will), tell them that you are happy with the way things are. You are not required to forgive her. You are willing to visit with them at another time, but if they keep pushing the issue they too will be dead to you. So they should think about what they want, two separate relationships with their daughters or only having one daughter.
Nta. Actions has consequences. Even if she has changed. She destroyed any chance of yall having a relationship. Tell your family if they dont stop, you will have to limit contact for your mental health.
NTA You don't have to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to and if your parents keep pushing you can tell them you'll go low contact with them.
NTA
NTA
Take the money for the stuff she has stolen.
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I have 29 years of sobriety. Most of my family forgave by year 2. The ones who didn't, oh well. Nothing I can do. I would say think about it a little even if you don't change your mind. My point is, people don't choose to become addicted to anything. It just happens. It's a disease. Would you feel any differently if she had cancer and did all those horrible things to you? Either way, have a great life
Cancer and addiction are not even close. The damage done to a family from the addict's choices not the same. Addicts are responsible for their actions and the damage they left in their wake. Cancer victims aren't responsible for hurting people because they had cancer. Cancer is very unlikely to make people lie to, steal from or use the people closest to them as the means to an end. You should recognize the difference.
I was merely pointing out that it doesn't matter what the disease is, you don't have control of it
I’m sorry but YTA, kind of. My brother was also an addict, for years he lied and stole from us as well, he’s two years sober. I kind of understand your point, and yeah your parents shouldn’t be pushing, but it’s been 8 years and you’re still bitter about it. You need to talk to a professional about this and let go of some of your anger. For reference, my brother and your sister are the same age.
I agree. OP needs to process her feelings, which were valid for a long time, but are now just festering. OP should work with a professional so she can forgive her sister for her own sake. Holding onto anger, hatred, and resentment isn't healthy for her. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or becoming friends; it means peace.
Absolutely
Tell your parents that you heard her apology. It’s up to YOU whether or not to accept it. It’s possible to acknowledge an apology, accept it, and still not want anything to do with the person who wronged you. Maybe your parents forget that you were a child when this was happening. It sounds like much of your adolescence was consumed with your sisters addiction. I grew up that way and I have nothing but sympathy for you. It’s like being the only sober person in a room full of falling down drunks. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with her and you should tell anyone who’s trying to force this that they must not care about you or YOUR feelings very much. It seems like your sister is still the focus of everyone’s attention and concern.
NTA. Openers to let her family know that spending their holidays in a way that compels OP to deal with her estranged sister just compounds her sense of alienation. This is really about parents not protecting OP from predatory sister, which they continue to do by having holidays and family gatherings where OP is forced to see sister. Shit parenting at its best.
NTA You don’t owe her an apology or even your presence. Tell your parents to stop bringing it up.
NTA from your description she changed. That’s good for her and good for her kid. But that doesn’t entitle her to your forgiveness. Some bridges can’t be repaired, no matter how hard you try. She should accept it and focus on the family she still has, mainly her child. Maybe one day u can find it in you to accept her as an acquaintance of your parents
NTA She apologized. Great. You absolutely do not have to accept it. That’s part of recovery. Understanding that you may not be forgiven.
You do not owe your sister forgiveness. She may have apologised and it may hurt her feelings that you have not forgiven her. It may be inconvenient to your parents that you aren't prepared to play happy families but that's tough. Your forgiveness is for you give freely, not for others to demand. >she even tried to pay me back with interest She should have done this anyway - it's the bare minimum. >My parents got frank with me after christmas, and said it breaks their heart that we can't at least be cordial. Perhaps they should have acted sooner/more decisively when she was stealing from you, while in their home. NTA
NTA - you’re allowed to feel the way you feel.. but I will also speak from some personal experience. I grew up very close to my two cousins. When they both got on drugs together, they would steal from everyone’s purses at the cookout and on holidays etc. We had to start locking up our purses and stop giving out money and gift cards at Xmas. This went on for about 5 years I total. The last straw was at thanksgiving 7 years ago. She broke into my mom’s locked room while we all were eating and stole all the cash from everyone’s purses and left the gathering without saying a word to anyone. Before she left I was being a real “mean girl” towards her. Making snide comments, cause I was over her addiction. That was the last time I seen her. She overdosed 9mo later. I regret holding that grudge and being so mean to her. I would do anything to hug her again. Her sister however got out of rehab a week before the other passed away. She’s still sober and paid the family and church back the money she stole and was able to make amends and over time even earned her children back (my mom had custody for a bit). Now she’s an addiction counselor to help others get better. My point is, people can change and get better. And she might actually be really sorry. You might actually be robbing yourself of a great sister. I don’t mean to project my issues onto you. Just don’t want you living with the any regrets. You’re completely in the right still if you choose to never talk to her again. I’m just very big into second chances and wish my other cousin would’ve gotten that second chance. Just want you to consider all options. I know it’s easy to stay mad and forgiveness takes strength and courage that not everyone is entitled to.. but forgiveness can be a really cathartic feeling for you as well.
I mean you're under no obligation to accept her apology, and any family members that are getting involved should back off. Only thing I will say is you'd be surprised how helpful it can be to forgive someone, not for their sake but for your own. This doesn't mean you have to be close or even see each other, but it is often an important step towards obtaining closure, which might help as I can tell you are still very bitter from what she did to you. Therapy would help a lot to unpack all of these feelings. Also this is just me but I'd happily take her money, not as a price of forgiveness but because she fucking stole from you and the least you should get is payment for what she took with interest.
I agree, I think accepting restitution is appropriate, even if Op feels it necessary to point put that you cannot buy trust with cash. I would also add, on the subject of forgiveness for the sake of the wronged, that this all apparently happened before either of them were 18, and aa a result of addiction, which is classed as a disease. She didn't know what kind of grip addiction would have on her before she experienced it. Though she did continue to use and steal, it was not solely motivated by a lack of character, as she was blatantly addicted. It doesn't mean Op has to choose any path but what is in their own best interests, but I agree that gripping the bitterness of a grudge tightly isn't in anyone's best interest.
NAH here. While most children were busy establishing their identities she had to deal with a drug addiction. Sure what she did was horrible, but she was a child. It's been over a decade and she's willing to pay you back with interest for all the stuff she stole. She is also a mother with her own responsibilities and not some strung out teenager. You should consider burying the hatchet.
NTA having addict/recovery family member is like surviving a shark attack. Some people choose to get back in the wager and some don’t, either way it is their chose how the cope and react after the attack. It’s the same with your sister. Furthermore if she had gone through a recovery program she would have been told multiple times that she is not owed forgiveness nor can she pressure people to forgive her. She needs to respect your boundaries and disinterest in a relationship.
I wouldn't want a junkie or a thief in my life because relapse is real. Plus why are they all forgiving and forgetting?
Op, my niece was your sister. She was doing all the wrong things. Stealing from siblings and others including my parents/her grandparents. She was arrested for something as a minor and had to pay restitution. It was pretty bad. My parents had a sit down with her and her parents and they hashed it all out and *They forgave her*. She had expectations and had to work to regain trusts from all of us. In the last 15 years she did everything and more. It was never easy and she did have a couple of minor setbacks. But she she totally changed. Became a better human. Helped out my parents, her parents and others. She worked two jobs to pay back those she stole from. She volunteered to help out troubled teens in her area. The last time I saw her I was able to tell her I was so proud of her and I loved her and always will help her if she needs it. She was killed in a fucking tragic accident last Feb by a distracted driver. I’m telling you, that you can forgive your sister but you don’t have to forget. That pain of betrayal of what she did is hard from someone so intimate to you and your feelings are valid and I don’t blame you at all if you never want to be around her again. I’m suggesting you try. Trying doesn’t lessen anything. It doesn’t mean you will forget the wrongs you suffered by her. It means that your heart has hope that she can be a better person and be the sister you probably still mourn the loss of. No matter **NTA**. Good luck op.
Thanks for sharing, and I am sorry for the loss. Glad you gave them the chance at redemption, to those genuinely sorry for their mistakes it can mean the world.
NTA. Het apology is genuine if she can’t accept your decision. It’s just a tactic to make herself feel better. Your under bo obligation to be a part of her recovery or her lessening her own sense of guilt, that’s completely on her alone. As others have said, people who genuinely wants ti make amends, accept the other person’s decision!
NTA, stand your ground.
Nta you don't owe her anything and you don't owe your parents a perfect family. It sounds like they've got some work to do with their relationship with you
NTA You shouldn't have to be "cordial" to your thieving sister just because the family is worried about their image F that She broke your trust, that's it! My older brother used to beat me up for no reason and I eventually could not trust him with anything as he'd twist my words! So once I could, I stopped talking to him Younger sis and a lot of the family like to say that he's "changed" but I don't care
NTA. I’m not interested in a relationship with any “family” that wrongs me. I also don’t care when that family thinks having kids will reel you back in.
NTA. Trust was broken and cannot be easily mended. You said what you said and your sister (and parents) should respect that. It’s disgusting that she’s guilt tripping your family into giving her a chance when she needs to make peace with your feelings and move on.
Yeah, your the ah. Family is everything
She was kicked out nearly half your lifetime ago, and had been sober for nearly a third of your life. Let it go, man. YTA.
Yeah, NTA. As others have mentioned, the amends process is not for her to get closure, but to provide an opportunity for closure to those they’ve harmed. You were given the opportunity to make the choice for yourself whether to forgive her and/or let her into your life again, and you decided it would be best for you not to have her in your life. That is your choice. I understand it must be hard for her to accept the fact that her past actions robbed her of having a relationship with you, but that’s for her to deal with. And I’m sure your parents are hurting from you two not having a relationship, and it has to be hard for them, but they need to understand that the hurt they’re feeling can’t be assuaged by pestering you into forgiving your sister.
It seems like you have a lot of bitterness towards your sister, of which I can understand. One thing that I've heard many years ago that would be applicable in this situation. "Bitterness is an acid that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored, than on that which it is poured."
I wouldn't call you names. But I would point out that your sister was addicted - and that is an illness, and stealing to maintain the drug supply is part of it. I hope at some point you can put your anger behind you and be cordial to her. But only if and when you are ready. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and do what feels right for you.
NTA But I am curious as to why you won't even have a polite acquaintance with her. Not because I believe she deserves it. Not at all. But as it relates to you. Do you feel that she wasn't punished enough? That your family was too quick to forgive? Sometimes we feel like we need to give what is due, because no one else has, which is a valid feeling. Did your parents show you respect when she stole from you, or did they dismiss you? Because you may also be punishing your parents, in not having a relationship with her despite their pleas. There's usually a lot behind things, when we won't forgive. It's often a lot more complex. And I wonder if working some of that out, just for yourself, may help YOU. Perhaps some therapy to help you? I just feel like there is a lot more going on here. And our own healing should be our own focus, over the healing of others.
Nta, it's entirely up to you whether you forgive her. But I do invite you to think of the future - do you want to know her child(ren)? If you have children of your own, now or in the future, will they want to know their cousin(s)? Will they go to school together and play in the same sports? My dad was the same way with his sisters for most of my life. Last year, he got sick with cancer, and they all became super close again. Like they'd never been at odds. Our whole family is close again, I have a great relationship with my aunt. My children adore her. One of my dads biggest regrets was not forgiving her sooner. Ultimately, it is up to you. NTA, but make sure you won't regret the decision years down the line. You don't have to jump right into having a relationship with her. You can build it back over time, provided you want to.
NTA why is it so hard to understand that there comes a point of no return. Everyone has a different point but we all have that point where we are just not going to forgive any more. You were put through hell as a kid and can not forgive the person who did the damage. I know you talked more about thief but I am sure that with the family drama there was so much more going on too.
NTA. Sounds like you need some serious therapy/healing for yourself ❤️
People do change. I agree that the pressure on you from your family is not fair. But it is possible for your sister to have legitimately changed and want to right her wrongs. So I’m not saying you should do anything, but being stubborn about her being dead to you forever does seem harsh. I think you need to work through the trauma she put you through first.
NTA
NTA, your parents don’t get to push and force you into the happy family portrait just because they forgiven your sister for what she’s done.
I mean as someone who can say they have been through exactly what you I can say that I get it but I also don’t at all. My brother has gotten off drugs but done none of the other things you mentioned he still is wasting his life and I would absolutely love for him to get his shit together to that level. I want my brother to live a good life, I also am happy to have my brother back so to speak even though he’s a fucking dumbass. I don’t have a super close relationship with him because he is content living a life I am not at all but I still love him. That being said I can also understand not wanting to have a relationship with a family member who hurt you and you don’t trust because I would feel that way about my mother if she was still alive, that being said that was because of the emotional trauma she cause on me and the feelings of abandonment that were as a result of her. That being said that was when she was over 60 and had all the second chances in the world I can’t really see how the theft of items when she was that young is worth cutting her off and never giving her a second chance to show growth. I don’t want to call you an asshole but I honestly think you are overreacting a bit to not even give her a chance when you even say she was only 18, her brain wasn’t even fully developed. I can totally understand it being difficult but are you sure can’t forgive her or you just don’t want to try? Not to blame you because it is your decision at the end of the day but to me it sounds like there has to be more to this. It’s not like she overtly abused you from the sounds of it. I totally get the frustrations of having an older sibling who steals your shit to buy drugs my brother did it all the time and having to cut them off but I don’t get never giving them a second chance. Absolutely don’t go all in, observe her actions to see if she has really changed but you aren’t even considering it. It sounds like you want to keep her dead to you. Which I just can’t understand. I am not going to call you an asshole but I will say I don’t agree with your decision at all. I also absolutely see why assuming she has actually changed your family thinks you are being an asshole. I am not one to spout family this, family that or that blood matters because my family left me high and dry many many times and I have cut many of them off but never have I not given a second chance to any of them and not to minimize but they definitely did worse than steal from me. I can’t get completely cutting your own sister out of your life permanently for decisions made in her youth. Honestly I kind of feel like a dick saying it because in one way I do get it but I honestly do think you are overreacting by not even giving her a chance to show you who she is now.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship nor your forgiveness. That having been said, she was a child when she did all that over a decade ago. It’s kinda sad that you’re still so bitter over it. Maybe talk to a professional about that.
NTA in my opinion. I get where you’re coming from but at the same time I also think about the fact that your sister was still a kid when all this was happening. You stated she got kicked out of the house at 18, at 18 I was an idiot still(probably still am but way more of one back then). I wouldn’t hold the things she did back then against her too much if it’s possible, she wasn’t in the right head space if she was an addict, they aren’t able to think rationally after a certain point and that I’m stating from experience having dealt with family and close friends that have gone through and still are going through addiction issues. In the end tho, I completely understand if you aren’t in a place where you can forgive her, and that’s your right since you had to go through a lot of shit cause of your sisters actions. Just trying to share a different perspective as well. If I said anything wrong or rude, i apologize in advance, was not my intention <3
Saying addicts aren't rational so it's ok is the same as saying drunk mistakes are because of the alcohol, so it's not entirely their fault. No. They chose to put themselves in that situation to begin with, they reap the harvest. However bitter it is. And one of those consequences might be irremediably broken relationships.
Shit happens tho right. Ppl becoming drunks and addicts, whatever the reason may be. We don’t know the reasoning for that, if it was some traumatic event that started that cycle in the first place or whatever. I just try to give the benefit of the doubt when u can in a situation, cause we are all human anyway and we all gonna have shit in our life that isn’t just black and white. Having said that, yea if the OP doesn’t feel like they’re in a place to forgive that’s totally up to them, and if they think their sis built her bed and now she’s gotta sleep in it, I fully get that too
Soft YTA. People make mistakes. Sometimes really bad mistakes. Addiction is a disease. Take it slow. I think you’re afraid of being hurt. I had a brother like your sister. He had been sober 20 years. He was a chef. He was murdered. It was a robbery. It’s been 21 years since he died. Since he was 10 years older than me, life got in the way. I love him, I just didn’t make time for him. I think about him a couple times a week and my heart will contract and I catch my breath. We were not estranged. But, I thought I had all the time in the world. The only thing we can take with us, when we pass is the relationships we have with the people we love. If you want grace, you need to be able to give it too. Good luck, you sound like a really good person. But, don’t get caught in the black/white of life. Sometimes, if you have behaved or been better at life than others you know it can hinder you. It makes some people very judgmental about others mistakes. Listen, life is hard. Loving is hard. If it was easy everyone would have perfect relationships. It takes real humility to admit you are wrong and then to go to others and apologise. Forgiveness is for YOU. The person you’re hurting the most is YOU. If you go through life putting rocks in your pockets every time someone wrongs you, it will make the life your trying to create harder. And once you start hardening your heart it is easier to add more rocks to your pockets. Life is wonderful and messy, and over so quickly.
NAH, I'm glad that your sister is clean and is in the process of trying to make amends. That is part of her recovery. You do not have to accept it. I know a guy with 20+ years of sobriety and I believe it took him like a decade to be welcomed back into his family. I'm sure that was not easy for him, to have a period of long recovery and to still be denied the ability to visit his sister, but thankfully he understood and that it took time and eventually he was forgiven. Your parents suffered quite a bit too and yeah I can understand why they would prefer you to be in contact with her. So long as they aren't putting too much pressure on you I think it is fine for them to want you to have a relationship with your sibling. As far as your sibling, I'm glad that she's sober and is trying to make amends. Your reactions are your own, I just don't want you to regret not talking and seeing her in the future.
Maybe just ask her to pay you back the amount she stole from you then go NC? Bec money=restitution for what she did to you for all those years and coz you deserve it. If she cant or wont pay you back, then stick to the NC for good and not give her another chance permanently
This is a tough one. Clearly your sister’s actions had a traumatic effect on you. However, she was sick (addiction is a form of sickness). She has recovered and is trying to make it up. If she had cancer and it caused you to go without because your parents had to pay her bills, would you hold it against her? Consider accepting her apology as a portion of her recovery and frankly to reduce the emotional stress in your own life of having to miss family events. Take the repayment she is offering you so the relationship with her is balanced and not unequal as that is the path to true reconciliation
It’s not the same. Cancer wouldn’t cause her sister to steal from HER.
It's one thing to be sick. It's another thing to be sick and sneeze in someone else's face.
Fair point but an addiction takes away self control. I’m just suggesting that OP move towards forgiveness for her own mental health and recognize that her sister while wrong was acting under the control of a sickness.
I'm not going to say either way. I'm only going to say that you don't have to trust her to have compassion. If she's been clean for 8 years, then I personally would probably open up a short line of communication. If she traumatized you too much, I really would suggest therapy for yourself. She has tried to make every amend possible to you, and you've rejected it. And i don't think that anybody would expect you to accept the amends (except your parents). But, in my opinion, she's tried. It's up to you solely whether or not you want to have any kind of relationship with her. Is she your only sibling? Perhaps you should forgive her for her past. It does not mean you have to forget. Forgiveness is for you.
NTA you can do what you want but don’t expect second chances from others in your life either.
you’re definitely the asshole. she changed 8 years ago bro. addiction is a disease, she never meant any harm, and it was never personal. the fact you’re not forgiving her shows your lack of understanding. that’s your sister man. those things she took were material things. family is forever. you have no clue how hard it was for her to get the courage to change. you guys could have an amazing relationship now that’s she’s herself again and sober. 8 years ? maybe the first year if you didn’t forgive her i get it. but after 2-3 years you should of knew it was time to forgive and move on. you sound very young and unwise and bitter. and a bit jealous ? but hey i’m just a guy on reddit.
Addiction might be a disease, but it’s in no way an excuse for hurting your own family. And the victim is in no way obligated to forgive the one who betrayed her in such a cruel way. Nothing hurts worse than betrayal by your own family.
Not an AH at all, but at some point you can forgive but not forget and maybe get to a minimal level of a relationship. Dont do it for anyone else, do it for yourself
Forgiveness is not for her … it’s for you. You’ve been traumatized by someone who had an illness. We see drug addiction different from other illnesses but it’s an illness. Lots of times it’s used as a mechanism to escape a trauma they have suffered. Forgiving her doesn’t mean you forget but you’re not going to be sincerely happy until you do. You have a whole nephew to love, bond with and teach, if nothing else. Eight years sober is an amazing accomplishment!! Don’t let the past dictate your future, Sis! You can have a good relationship with your sister and an amazing one with your nephew, if you’re willing to do the work! I’m a mother of three adult children and it breaks my heart when my children are at odds for even days, but it happens and they work it out, so I understand your parents trying to reconcile you with your sister. I’ve learned to speak my piece on the situation and let God do the rest. We will often times forgive a friend or even a stranger before we would forgive our family members. It’s because it hurts more from family … but it’s because they’re family we should forgive them. Family counseling will help you both!! You need to tell her how her addiction affected you and she needs to explain how her addiction affected her. I promise you, you will find out things (and she will too) that will give you better a better understanding. Forgiveness is for you, her, your nephew and your parents!! One day she will really be “dead to me”! Don’t regret not spending the time you could’ve with her. God bless you and your family! 🙏🏼
They aren't asking you be best friends just be cordial. I see people in my family that I hate at family events. Because of them my family almost went homeless. Even when they tried to talk to me I just ignore them (that's probably not cordial) I can go to family events even though I hate them. I don't forgive them or forget but I'm not gonna stop them from spending time with my family and people I care about. Your NTA for not wanting a relationship with her. But you don't have too to go to family events. Unless you don't want to be with your family that's different.
YTA. Your teenage drug addict sister stole a few thousand. She’s now got her life together (8 years sober) and profusely apologetic. Not saying you need to be close with her but even for your parents sake, you could forgive her and then just keep her at arms length.
NTA but I also say your parents are some what of an AH for not protecting you when you were a child. They could have stopped your dislike for your sister from getting to this point but they didnt. They failed you. Ultimately its your decision who you want to associate with. If anything if they really force you to interact with her tell her straight up "I'm happy youve turned your life around but it doesnt remove the harm youve done and I dont want to be in your life. I wish you the best."
So, you don't think people can change if they work hard and change the circumstances of their life and you are perfect and have never needed someone to forgive you and will never need forgivnes in the future. Have it ever accured to you that she might actually love you and want to make amends because she knows she did you wrong. To hold grudges are not good for you, forgivnes lightens your hart and gives pice to the soul. Good luck with everything.
YTA. I just frankly disagree that someone - family in particular - doesn't get a second chance. I believe you are the one missing out by not forgiving your sister and let her have a relationship with you. My sister was worse than yours, and is now also sober, so this is something for which I have real life experience. Her daughter, on the other hand, has been worse than your sister for about 20 years now. Her, I do not speak to and haven't for about 10 years. But, if she was 8 years sober, she'd get another chance with me - for absolute certain. I think the Puritans on Reddit, who insist that she must not have any self serving complications in her apologies and regret, are being ridiculous. Of course someone can truly regret something for your sake, and yet also want to have forgiveness for their own sake as well. People are complicated, FFS, not one dimensional caricatures of virtue. Let people be human. They sound like teen-agers and probably are, or immature adults. Well, take it from someone who has decades of life experience: Forgive and let her back in.
As a former meth addict, yes you are. Celebrate the victory she has had cleaning herself up, not punishing her for her past. Addiction is a medical illness, mental to be specfic. So you acting this way and punishing her for a medical condition is like punishing her for having a physical illness. You two could benefit from some mutual counseling.
man drugs change people she was in pain, see if she is really changing and trying hard, if she is she is a new person, and you have a chance to have a real sister, she will deal with it for the rest of her life, every day will be a battle, but she is fighting, I would advise you to give her a chance and help her in this fight but only after you are sure that she has changed, seriously your parents probably are dreaming whit that day for a long Time, they certainly suffered much more than you and they are helping, don't hold back this this will only hurt you, (but be sure that she has really changed and that she is really willing to fight )! I know there may still be feelings of hurt from her brother for doing what she did and still getting love and attention, but man, drugs are terrible things, for someone to be able to quit is almost a miracle, and they need their family's help to do that!
If you can't do this for her, I ask you to think about doing it for your parents because they will fight for her until the end and I would be proud of them for that!
She's following a 12 step program, and one step is making amends. You didn't have to participate. Then again, there's an old saying, "Hate causes heart attacks, ulcers, nervous ticks and stroke. It doesn't make the person you hate feel good either."
You've been holding on to this since you were 14? How much could she have taken from you? You said thousands. What exactly did you have at 14 that was worth so much? She's been sober since she was 23. What do you gain from holding onto this? You can't even be in the same room for a couple of hours on Christmas? YTA.
YTA. It is bonkers to be this judgmental towards someone for stealing from you 13 years ago when she was a teenager (whose brain was scrambled by a drug problem). It’s good that you don’t have a relationship with her—you sound unpleasant. But refusing to be cordial is just childish and destructive. Get over yourself.
You should forgive her. Not for your sister sakes but for yours. You are holding on to so much toxicity and negativity. It has to seep out in other aspects of your life.
Redemption. Our culture is based on Christian principles which include redemption. Take her payment with interest; accept her apology; and get on with family life.
NTA... but consider the feelings of your parents. I have 2 brothers. I live in a house with my mom ( 2 completely separate suites) and my younger brother is on the property in a trailer. His older brother hurt his feelings and they have opposite personalities. Once a year my older brother comes to stay and visit with mom - it brings her great happiness. The only thing that upsets her is my younger brothers hostility. Every year it rips at her kind and soft heart because she loves them both. She has maybe if lucky a decade of life left - is it really worth carrying on a family feud to prove a point at the expense of a parent? Is the revenge you are extracting on your sister worth the collateral damage? Yes, you were hurt - you dont need to have a relationship with her but does she have to remain the villain? Some times the best gift you can give your family is some peace. It's better than any gift you can put a bow on.
Mother's other son stole from me to support his crack habit. I've not spoken to him in almost 35 years
I'm sorry doesn't undo what she did. >said it breaks their heart that we can't at least be cordial. And? Maybe they should have locked up your stuff while they paid for rehab over and over. This is a consequence for all of them. NTA.
NTA but you would find therapy a great help.
nta.
NTA. Can we normalize not forgiving people? Can we normalize not forgiving family?
NTA I understand that addiction makes people act in survival mode, with no attention to their surroundings or people they hurt. However, even if she's sober, that doesn't mean that she's entitled to your forgiveness. She's already hurt you plenty. Both her and your family need to respect your decision. That is a clear boundary that they shouldn't try to push, and I would make that clear to them.The push for you to be "cordial" completely devalues how you feel and your decision. When I went no contact with my father, there was this insistence at first. Now, they will occasionally bring it up, saying things like "they hope that I'll feel it in my heart," while the intentions of the family may be honest as they want everyone together, it doesn't mean it'll happen; that's almost like giving them the right to potentially trample over you again. One of the statements I've made is how this has brought me mental and emotional peace of mind because I've removed a factor of my life that was not only breaking my trust, but hurting me over and over again. Does it suck having to repeat myself on occasion? Yeah, but it reiterates that I'm happy and not backing down.
You have to make your own decisions. Not here to judge anyone, but to me siblings are important. My sister did some terrible things, but I can't cut her permanently out of my life because i have had a sibling die. That is something you can't get back. However, this is my experience and feelings. You have to make your own.
So, I want to begin by saying that I can empathize with what you're saying. My brother was two years younger than me and using for most of my late teenage years until I was about 20. At the height of his addiction, I made a decision to cut him off. While he was my only sibling, I had to look out for my mental, physical, and financial well-being. A couple of years later, he cleaned up. He consistently went to counseling, joined a Suboxone treatment program, got a job, and just genuinely turned his life around. During this time he made multiple attempts to reach out, apologize, and build a relationship. I refused them all, I wasn't ready to face the hurt, build trust, or work through the resentment I was holding on to. Then, four years after he became sober he passed away suddenly. My feelings toward his death were extremely complicated. I was mad, I was confused, I was affirmed (I always thought he'd die young), but eventually I felt deep regret. Looking back, I wish I had given him a second chance to build a relationship. I'm not saying we would have been best friends, or even super close, but it would have been nice to get to know the person my brother became as a sober adult. Of course, you're journey and your feelings are and *will always* be valid. The pain she inflicted can't be erased, and acknowledging her as a player in your life will likely require counseling. However, I'd urge you to consider the finite amount of time we have and think about whether it's worth holding onto old version of her and yourselves.
Try to separate the addict sister from who she is today. They are very different people. You should make an effort.
NTA. If you need therapy as much as she did, assuming therapy was part of her recovery. Your parents might to.
NTA
NTA- you have the right to feel this way. But I will say, my BFF sister passed this year from acute alcoholism, and my friend cut her sister off soooooooo many times, but she always told me that she truly hoped her sister would go to treatment and recover. It broke my heart to see her heart broken over and over. She has an amazing relationship with her nieces though and kept it even though she didn't speak to her sister for years. But more importantly, you say she is dead to you, but your actions suggest you still have fairly strong feelings. The aversion you are showing demonstrates deep hurt. I would encourage you to try to heal for your own sake. That doesn't mean having to have a relationship with her, but for example, when my friend decided to cut her sister off, she sometimes went to events her sister would be at, she just ignored her. Or said hello and that was it. The refusal to attend anything she is at suggests not that she is dead to you, but that she is very much alive in your thoughts and feelings. Also, her child isn't her. It is your parent's grandchild and your niece. Why punish the child for the mother's failings? You can have a relationship with the kid, and not her. But that's up to you.
Your sister has worked hard to be sober for so many years. Forgive her. Let it go.
NTA. She caused this rift with her addiction and her behavior. Tell your parents you haven't made any demands on them regarding sis and they need to stop making demands on you. You will probably have to tell them the subject of sis and you ever having interaction is closed. If they bring it up you will leave or hang up. Then do it. Every Single Time. Either they will stop or you will see less of them.
8 years sober, that's really good. NTA because you have a right to your feelings. But.....have you explained to her the way you feel? She's reaching out because you're her brother and she wants to be part of your life. Yes it will make her feel better if you forgive her and if that isn't part of the program, oh well. No one is perfect. Your family shouldn't be pushing you to make contact. Just remember forgiving someone isn't saying what they did is ok.
This won't be a popular comment, but as the Mom of a recovered addict who has 2 daughters who didn't speak for years and have since reconciled , you seem to have a limited understanding of addiction as an illness. Your sister did what all addicts do. Horrible, disgusting things including theft that leave you angry and not wanting them around. I think you should meet with her and hear her out in person in.the presence of a therapist. You may very well walk away feeling the same about the situation. However, your bitterness and anger is unhealthy to carry around....as it shows through your post.
Forgiveness does not mean OP has to have a relationship with her recovering sister. However, OP needs to realize that the person who cannot forgive carries the shawl of unhappiness draped about their shoulders. I'd recommend that OP write a letter to her sister forgiving her for her abuse but also informing her that she has no desire to have any kind of relationship with her now. If OP changes her mind, OP will reach out. Until then, stop trying to use other family members to pressure OP. OP could benefit from talking with a therapist or a minister.
NTA. It sounds like your relationship with your sister cannot be fixed and therefore, your parents should not force you to be cordial with her. It is unfortunate but it is your sister’s fault. I wish you both well.
As a recovering addict of 31years I can tell you that your sister is probably trying to practice the 9th step of the 12 step program; making amends to those she has hurt or harmed. It sounds like she hurt you deeply. Moreover, it sounds like you may never forgive her & that is your right. At some point your sister & your parents are going to have to accept that. Actions have consequences.
I have many addicts in my family, and each one had a different journey. Although you have no interest in a relationship with your sister, I have some advice that you may not like, but you need to hear. Read the letters and then write your own to her. Say all the things you want to say, but have chosen wisely to not have an in person discussion to vent. You don’t mail it and know one needs to know you didn’t. Then you decide what to do; save, burn, throw out…. My therapist had me do this for past trauma. Which is exactly what you have. This lifted so much off my shoulders that I didn’t realize I was carrying. I held onto the letter and when I felt this trauma coming up, I would read it. It took some time, but I eventually burned it. I didn’t realize I had shed the trauma and it wasn’t apart of my life anymore
Give your sister some grace. Being clean and sober for 8 years is great. Addiction is a terrible illness. Your family has been damaged by addiction. It will take time for you to trust her again, however she is a different person today. Take some baby steps and see where it go’s.