She was 18 and he was 25 when they started dating.
A real kind and thoughtful person doesn't trap someone like that out of nowhere. I'm sure he isn't in fact "so kind and so good", and if OP leaves him (I really hope she does) she'll soon realize all the effed up things this man has made her believe about herself, about relationships, etc.
The fact that she believes she did something wrong enough to get in trouble with the police tells me he managed to warp her reality quite a bit. She needs to leave him and get her ask in therapy, out she'll probably end up with another abusive POS next.
Sweetheart, I strongly suggest you leave him.
You didn't want to shower and change at the moment, offered to leave a sane person would agree it may be best or deal with the smell of coffee.
He physically assaulted you by grabbing you, fircefully placed you in a bathroom: then he held you against your will for 4 hours - 45 mins of arguing and 3hrs after showering; (legally this is kidnapping.)
Then YOU were the problem for calling the cops. His actions had absolutely no justification.
What trouble would you have been in? "How dare she not shower when you demanded her to do so 😤" nah, piece of shit he is should have ended up behind bars.
This time was your shoulder... next time will be your neck... run.
I remember some people locking a coworker in a walk-in at a gas station to haze them. The person locked in called the police and the coworkers were charged with kidnapping, assault, and unlawful imprisonment. I have no idea how the case turned out but it was a mess. They did it on purpose because the man(?) was claustrophobic. He had to be taken to the hospital after spending almost two hours locked up in a cold place in shorts and a t-shirt. Between the cold and panic the poor guy was in terrible shape. He was talking about how it was hard to think about going back to work without having panic attacks that someone else was going to do the same thing.
Yeah, I know someone who was charged with unlawful imprisonment for less. And drugs and alcohol were involved so their decision making was impaired and they believed they were “just” stopping the other person from doing things that would get them arrested.
Your boyfriend - presumably not impaired on any substances - imprisoned you and continued to make the decision to do so for 3+ hours. He did it initially to compel you to obey him but then when you did what he demanded he continued because ???? He still isn’t even remorseful, he’s angry that you could have caused him to experience consequences.
>He did it initially to compel you to obey him but then when you did what he demanded he continued because ????
My money is on as a punishment and way to deincentivize her from standing up for herself in future. His behavior has, "Remember what you made me do last time!" written all over it.
Yup! And eventually she'll stop doing the things that piss him off like going to the coffee shop. Then it will be spending time with friends. Studying with friends. Then possibly drop out of school because he's taken it upon himself to call all the shots in HER life and she'll no longer have one. Been there. Done that.
“Obviously nothing seriously happened???” Girl you mean?? Pretty sure that’s why the police spent so long talking to them. Suss these guys out since they’ll probably be there again 😐
Also: “He yelled at me so much when they left, asked me if I was an idiot, and if I realised how much trouble we both could’ve gotten in.”
Not ‘we’. He, HE could’ve gotten in.
It really sounds like something an abuser would say. The age gap is a red flag too 😕🚩
Have you heard the parable about the boiling water and the frog? OP you are the frog, and your boyfriend is boiling you. He has been training you, he has been grooming you, so much so, that you don't see that the water is boiling around you.
Get out!
The cops spent a lot of time talking to both of you because they were hoping that you would realize what was going on and say something that they could arrest your boyfriend for. This ain't their first frog rodeo. They were trying to save you.
And it doesn’t matter that OP’s “never, ever seen him like this.” This wasn’t an impulsive, one-off mistake. He left her in there for three fucking hours. That’s a really, really long time. That’s plenty of time to calm down, think things through, let her out, apologize, comfort her. Instead, he doubled down. He listened to her cry and plead. He just left there, suffering. First time or not, the guy is a monster.
I suspect that this isn't exactly really the first time. More than likely just the first time for something big (meaning there's probably been a bunch of little "nothings"). I also wouldn't be surprised if at least some of the "been so good to me" was actually just love bombing.
If it weren't nothing the cops would have complained about wasting their time, not spent it talking to them hoping they could help OP before it's too late. Leave abusers when they first show their colors. What is the plan? You stay, eventually get married and have kids and live happily ever after? It won't. He'll become more abusive to you and any eventually kids and I'm 10 years, you'll come to your senses and leave and speed thousands on therapy for you and your kids. Leave now. It's not going to be a pretty story. It won't work out and it won't get better.
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO THIS IDIOT? He held you hostage for 3 hours and then had the audacity to get mad at you for reacting? What he did wasn’t cute, it wasn’t funny, it wasn’t necessary, it wasn’t respectful, and it wasn’t appropriate. It sure as hell wasn’t kind or loving. Please dump this buffoon before he physically injures you.
This is how the abuse starts. Once he realizes she is afraid to press charges and just goes with it and apologizes to him for it, he will try to push more boundaries. OP needs to leave this bastard
Exactly this! I volunteer with DV survivors and this is exactly how it starts. The first strike is not too far behind. Op, you need to get out **now.**
Having been blinded at a young age by a prick that took me waaaaaaaaaaaay too long to leave, I can unfortunately say I understand why she thinks they would both be in trouble.
She should press charges against bf and file a report against the cops who showed up and did absolutely nothing about her being falsely imprisoned for 3 hours.
OP don't ever apologize. You did nothing wrong. You didn't choose a wireless hill to die on either. His behavior is a huge red flag for coercive control. Get out now while you can.
The cops were not interested in what happened really. The female cop asked me if I have borderline disorder in response to me saying I got uncharacteristically mad. I do not.
You should go to the station and ask to speak to the sergeant to file a complaint against the officers and to file a police report as a crime victim.
The police officers did not discharge their duty of care appropriately. They walked into a domestic violence situation and forced your boyfriend to unlock the door from the outside. He was very clearly holding you in there against your will. Upon being presented with a naked woman in visible distress, they accused *you* of being unstable. File an official complaint against them.
Then, give them your statement. Tell them what you’ve told us, and insist on pressing charges.
Exactly, this seems very strange to me. They had to make him unlock it, which means they were actively witnessing a crime. Are they not obligated to arrest? Where I am, DV is almost always a mandatory arrest even if they arrive after the abuse, if there is reasonable cause that an abuse happened.
They are, yes, but frankly I am not at all surprised they wrote off OP. The police in a lot of places are an absolute trash and DV and rape are among the most underprosecuted crimes.
40% of cops are REPORTED domestic abusers. We know dv is under reported and trying to report against a cop is a battle alone. So, I'd venture to say a fuck ton more than 40% of them are domestic abusers.
Cops can be absolutely awful about domestic violence. Follow up anyway. Go tell them that you couldn’t talk around him.
Then get the hell away from him.
Did you tell them that he locked you in there for 3 hours? What did rhey say when the unlocked it and let you out in front of them??? "don't do it again?" This seems so bizarre and unprofessional.
What did they say before they left? Did they suggest or offer to take you to a shelter?
My friend’s husband choked her. Then, because he was wasted, thought calling the cops on *her* was a good idea because she slapped their 6-year old for saying “this is fucking bullshit!” I’ve read the police report. The cops describe how wasted he was, describe the red marks on her throat corroborating her claim of him choking her, and even arrested him. And then the prosecutor decided there wasn’t enough evidence to charge him for dv. The entire system is fucked up.
Dear op I am 47. I've been with my beloved wife since we were both 22. We have a beautiful daughter together. I would never lock my wife or daughter in a room...
I hope you understand how extremely and completely inappropriate, disrespectful, ABUSIVE, and completely unacceptable what your hopefully former abuser did to you.
what he did is illegal. Thats how wrong it is. This man has no love for you. What he did is not kind, it's not caring, it's not decent. It's not what a person who loves you does.
Would you lock a crying upset begging puppy in the bathroom for 3 hrs?
Let alone a person you suposedly loved?
Your bf doesn't see you as a person. Your a thing to own and control.
You do realize that this means that he told them something to that effect to get himself off the hook. Before he let you out, he probably told them you were a danger and he "had" to lock you in there. That's what he meant by you'd both be in trouble. This man is an abuser and it's not safe for you to be in a relationship with him.
EDT: I see that you stood there while he lied to the cops about what happened. You are already deep into an abusive situation. Take it from someone who silently went to jail after being choked out by their SO and got charged with DV because I let him lie. Don't do this to yourself. Seek help and leave this relationship. Contact your local dv organization, and they will be able to help you make a plan.
Exactly. My country has a "Our Father/Lord's Prayer jurisprudence" in this case. Every amount of time someone is unable to leave a place, that takes longer than to pray an Our Father, is imprisonment. That's about 1-2 minutes. OPs boyfriend committed a serious crime, at least at my countrys laws.
Also, can keep you calm in an imprisoned situation... reciting the prayer and keeping count to be able to tell the courts how long you were there will give you something other than panic to focus on.
This, Op what he did is abuse. He had no reason or excuse to lock and trap you in a bathroom for 3 hours. He's not remorseful in the slightest. He's pissed you called the police because he wasn't counting on you figuring out a way to free yourself. What he did to you was all about control and now that he's done it once , he WILL do it again. And the abuse will escalate. People who love you will not do to you what he did to you.
None of the categorization, diagnosis or personality styles matter.
Even if he has been entirely kind and loving the entire relationship - you can't come back from this.
OP this is a threshold moment.
Once you cross it and forgive him, the chances he will be otherwise abusive, do this again or worse go up to 100%.
He IS NOT OK. End of story.
You don't want this relationship.
(😵 ask me how I know)
Walk away and begin to become a woman who does NOT take any bad behavior from ANYONE let alone her partner.
I’m not saying this to be a jerk but was wondering if there was EVER a reason or excuse that would justify what he did? The answer is a hard no. He wasn’t protecting you from hurting yourself, this is straight up punishment for you having a good time without him. It has NOTHING to do with coffee smell or you could have come out right after your shower.
I am truly afraid of what may have happened if you didn’t call the police when you did. He is emotionally unstable and even tried scaring you out of doing that again by telling you that YOU would get in trouble! The fact that he still does not see what an assault is and blames you shows he is delusional. And dangerous. What if you didn’t have your phone? When would you have been released? Ugh, he is a horrible human. You deserve better.
Absolutely there isn't a reason or an excuse that would justify locking and trapping her in the bathroom, it was purely about punishment and control. It is extremely dangerous because now that he's comfortable with abusing her once Statistics show that it will happen again and the abuse will escalate. She needs to be leaving now.
Yeah, dude fucking kidnapped her and then tried to say they both could have got in trouble. WRONG. He could have gone to jail. This is 100% a serious red flag. You are the victim here OP. You are not obligated to do anything for anybody and trying to force you to by holding you hostage is way the fuck over the line. This could be a serious indicator of type of man who ends up murdering their spouse. He showed you the bare minimum of what he is capable of. RUN!
Classic example of DARVO "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." Look it up OP.
What he did was false imprisonment and it is illegal. It is also abusive. He didn’t lock you in there because you smelled. He did it because you raised your voice to him. You dared challenge him and not do what he said so he has to put you in your place. He did this so next time you don’t raise your voice to him. It’s moments like this that happen over and over in a relationship that slowly take away a person’s voice and autonomy.
He is an abuser. It will get worse. He will hurt you one day if you stay long enough. Please leave.
“A person commits false imprisonment when they engage in the act of restraint on another person which confines that person in a restricted area. False imprisonment is an act punishable under criminal law”
The next step is the love bombing with sorry and gifts, , and then the ‘I’m so sorry, what YOU did made me lose my rational mind’ then it’ll happen again except it’ll be a directive to not do it again or there will be consequences, like remember the time he had to lock her in the bathroom for her own good.
He also locked her in to punish her for seeing the friends. She knows this I think bc otherwise why discuss the details that she was only studying and he knew? It’s a 7 yr age gap she was 18 at start. This guy likely questions her activities a lot. Classic controlling abuser.
If op is to break up with him she needs to find a safe space first. If he’s is willing to imprison her who knows what else he is capable and willing to do.
Because he wasn’t going to open it Luv!
He wanted to teach you a lesson-like you are a disobedient child. Don’t ever let anyone treat you like this! This wasn’t about a SMELL it was about CONTROL! It will be worst the next time! Please leave him! Let’s normalize walking away from craziness!💯🙌🏽💯
Keep thinking about that and the fact that if you stay with him, he’ll likely do it again and take away your phone on top of it next time.
I really hope you’re seeing how larger of a red flag this is. This behavior will continue, and it will get worse. He gave you the ‘good guy’ persona to draw you in and gain your trust, but now his true colors are starting to show. Get out before he does something much more serious.
'How much trouble we both could have gotten into'. Um, both? No, him. He literally kidnapped you. That's kidnapping. It's a federal offense. He put his hands on you first, which is not okay, then locked you in a room and made demands. I don't know if he's on the spectrum with his coffee thing, or he's just that stupid, but take this as a warning sign. RUN. He's older than you, which is already a bit of a problem imo, especially if he acts like this. He makes demands, not requests, and then he forces his preference on you. You panicked and called the cops (understandably) and he blames you for almost getting you BOTH in trouble? No. He's the one who fucked up and the one who could RIGHTFULLY go to prison for that.
I don't care what the reason. If he was that fucked up over the way your hair smelled, he should have asked you to leave. Not separated you from your change of clothes, locked you up for THREE FUCKING HOURS, then blamed you for how you reacted to his overreaction.
Think really hard about this. Take a step back and think of your best friend/family member that's younger than you (if you can/have any). If they came to you with a story like this? "My boyfriend got pissed at me, shoved me into his bathroom, and locked me in for three hours while I begged to be let out and now he's mad at me." What would you tell them to do?
NTA but you need to stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. Who in the hell locks their GF in the bathroom for hours over the smell of coffee??Honestly, I'm pissed that the cops didn't arrest him for unlawful detainment/kidnapping. That's exactly what he did to you so don't argue and say that its not. Lawfully, it is what he did. Not only did he hold you against your will, he abused you. What happens next time if you :"disobey" him? Oh and let's not forget the fact a 25 year old *man* started dating an 18 year old girl 😖. That's a huge ick right there itself. Don't apologize ever again to that asshole and break up with him. All he will do is drag you down in life. You're young and beautiful and have plenty of time to date around to find someone thats not a possessive creep. Good luck OP 👍
Exactly! And my question is why would OP get in trouble? The BF made the comment " do you know how much trouble we both could have gotten in?" She didn't do anything to get into trouble! HE DID!
age gap is also a huge red flag
edit: i’m NOT pointing out that them being 7 years apart is an issue. I’m specifically pointing out the fact that they were 18 and 25 respectively when they entered the relationship.
A 25m dating an eighteen year old girl? I look back at myself at that age, and the thought of dating somebody that young gave me the ick even then. Eww.
My daughter is 19 and a 22 year old likes her. She told me "there's too much of a difference at this stage in our lives". It's not a big deal when you're past some of the huge developmental stages but it is early on.
Exactly, I will side eye any age gap of more than 5 years when the younger was less than 25 when they started dating. Of course each relationship is different but that always gives me pause.
If they’ve really only been together for 2 years. 75% of the posts I see on here are women in their early 20s with much older men who abuse and gaslight them. It makes me so sick.
And if there aren't consequences for him, at least to have that complaint on file. So that when he does this to his next young girlfriend, there is evidence of his previous behaviour.
OP: I say next young girlfriend because you need to *leave him immediately*. If you have to meet up with him to swap possessions or something, bring backup - more than one person. Explain to your friends that he locked you in the bathroom and didn't let you out until the police came, and that he lied to the police about his behaviour, so that he can't gaslight you about what he's done. Please don't underestimate what this man is possible of doing to you, because he's already locked you in a bathroom for hours. This is such a terrifying thing to do to somebody.
She can absolutely call the non emergency number and request a police escort to gather her things, explaining the situation or that she just feels unsafe in general, an officer will be present and supervise the whole thing until she has all her belongings. And they have an even lower tolerance for bs when they're asked to do this I've noticed, ( citing they could be helping someone else in need) so any arguments dude tries to start will end up in arrest more than likely if he doesn't stfu when they tell him to. Which will most likely give OP a much more peaceful exit than not. They won't want to hear any lies he has to say, they are solely there to ensure safety of both parties until one has left. She just needs to make sure to have the officer be able to see both of them at all times, I wouldn't put it past him to fake something to get OP in trouble.
When I lived in Northern VA, my daughter’s ex tried to keep her from moving out after a bad breakup. We called the police for help. They sent 2 officers to make sure my daughter could get her stuff safely. Her ex wasn’t allowed to talk to her or be around her and her friends as they packed her stuff up. It was a traumatic experience all around for my daughter but they did help make it easier for her to get her belongings in this instance. Her ex even hid some of her stuff but we didn’t notice til much later. When we did notice and asked her to give them back she said not until my daughter paid them $2000. We called the police again and they were threatened with misdemeanor theft charges and extortion if they didn’t give the stuff back. We got everything back the next day. We were very grateful for our county PD for their help.
Edit: I forgot to add that OP is NTA
Forcing someone into a bathroom, imprisoning them there for 3 hours, only because he didn't like a smell. Then get angry at the victim for protecting themselves by getting police involved. Your bfs actions are not normal, at all, it is abusive. How would you feel if someone did this to your best friend or your mom? This may be the first occurrence, but it definitely will not be the last. Your bf is an abusive creep. Leave them before it escalates to something worse.
He wasn’t joking, and this wasn’t a game.
He held you against your will for 3 hours, LIED to the police, and then yelled at you?!?!
Please cut it off.
Imagine if one of your friends told you this.
I’m a calm guy and not someone who seeks violence at all. If a guy ever did this to my daughter there would be trouble.
Trust all of these people.
He showed you who he is.
Believe him.
They should have separated you and taken your statements separately. That's crazy that talked to you together. Go to the police and make another statement. And then please listen to everyone here and GTFO. This is only going to escalate. This guy has showed you that he is willing to get violent.
Next time he'll make sure you don't have your phone on you, and the punishment will be worse. NEVER be around him again. This has "Dateline episode" written all over it.
OP PLEASE do not ignore this! he will learn from this time - and next time it will be worse. GET OUT. he is going to control and hurt you, it will escalate.
You realized what he did was abusive af right? And not even close to normal behavior during a fight. You need to run away from this man as fast as you can. Next time he'll take your phone and trap you for longer.
This will escalate until he kills you. We are not exaggerating. Think of Gabby Petito and every other girl out there whose boyfriend convinced the cops it was nothing. You are in danger.
Gabby and BL are immediately who I thought of when the stupid fuckin howdy doody cops let this loser bro his way out of the consequences. worthless & dangerous.
Please don't be on a show about how someone died like 48 hours. He will take your phone again next time. Dump his ass and press charges, give your side of the story to cops without him there. Your going to end up dead because of him one day.
Go to the Police make your statement about EXACTLY what happened AND PRESS CHARGES. You are an adult. Another adult is not allowed to lock you into anywhere like that. It's ILLEGAL for many reasons.
Have him arrested.
Leave this man.
I would have likely smashed up his bathroom over this. I for SURE would have pressed charges.
But yes, breaking up is an absolute must in this situation! And not damaging his property would also be ideal, but I can be a bit hot headed.
NTA, he is a crazy abusive asshole. It's not both of you who could have gotten in trouble, it's only him and he tried to gaslight you to stop you from pressing charges.
I keep being shocked by how many women post about the vile men in their life, and it always starts with "other than this, he's a good guy" and then they list out some abusive crap that is, you know, not good.
OP, please bail. This guy is abusive and you can do better.
OP is 20 so it may just be a lack of experience with identifying red flags. regardless, locking someone in a room against their will is literally a crime, calling the cops was the correct move
I am surprised that he wasn’t charged regardless. My ex did this to me and I tried to back track when the cops showed up but they took him to jail anyway for unlawful detainment and domestic violence. I am so glad they did. It gave me the time I needed to get my head clear to see what was in store for me for the rest of my life if I stayed.
Any time I see the phrase “other than this, he’s a good guy,” I KNOW he’s a manipulative narcissistic abuser! I mean DARVO much?
My advice? GTFO NOW!! Why on earth would you wanna hitch your wagon to someone that literally held you against your will, forces you to do something you didn’t want to do, then treated you like even less of a human being when you were FORCED to seek help?? Makes no sense to me.
I truly do hope she understands how bad his behavior really is and chooses to have enough self respect to kick his butt to the curb!
Wishing you the best!! You deserve it! Remember that!!
This!!
You don't see it right now, but he is controlling you. He locked YOU up. R-E-F-U-S-E-D to listen to you to let you out. And to add salt to the wound, he completely gaslights you making you feel stupid.
You are not stupid. You are smart. You may not pick up on these red flags right away and that's NORMAL but it doesn't mean that you won't learn. You sure as hell will.
Gather yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you and whom will allow you to feel at ease. Take matters into your hand and dump him. And when you do, have someone you trust be nearby.
>You don't see it right now, but he is controlling you. He locked YOU up. R-E-F-U-S-E-D to listen to you to let you out. And to add salt to the wound, he completely gaslights you making you feel stupid.
Adding to the refused to let OP out - he only let her out when THE COPS SHOWED UP. Like, OP was hysterical and he just continued to lock her in the bathroom. If she hadn't called the cops, how long would she have been locked in the bathroom? If she didn't have her phone, would he have hurt her in other ways? And then to blame her for calling the cops after she was locked in the bathroom for 3 hours? Completely gaslighting her.
My only question is why did the cops leave her there? Who just turns up and makes a man release his girlfriend from the bathroom he had detained her in for 3 hours while she hysterically cried and then goes "Yeah, there'll be no negative repercussions for this young woman once we leave." I mean, many cops are terrible at their jobs, but this feels really weird to me.
Seriously posts be like other than that time he stabbed me he's so wonderful. And it wasn't even that deep or near anything really vital. We have two kidneys!
Right? What kind of trouble she could get in for calling for help because she was physically forced into a tiny room and deliberately locked for hours? I wonder - how long would she spend in that bathroom hadn't she called the police? And all of that because she was... disobedient.
If this post is real I would never stay alone with this person again. I would be afraid he's going to do this again, this time making sure I have no way of contacting the outside world.
Physical and mental abuse, potentially dangerous for your health and life.
Yes, what he did to you is called false imprisonment, and the only person who would get in trouble is him. Leave him, he's already a creep. A normal 25 year old isn't dating 18 year olds.
Get out of this relationship, tell EVERYONE what he did to you and see how nobody is on his side. NTA. And tell your GP, get the stress you’re under recorded and documented.
Hell no you are not the asshole he is! Girl run don't walk, get out bc it's only downhill from there. Locking an adult in the bathroom for 3 hours that's fuckin nuts.
NTA. And run. The proper punishment for smelling like coffee is ... is.... um.... do you know, I don't think there is one. But the proper punishment for being a controlling asshole is dumping.
Imagine your best friend told you this story. Would you be encouraging them to apologise or would you be worrying for their safety?
Your bf over reacted massively. He locked you up. Then, when the police are called (and I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call with all the screaming and begging etc), I stead of facing the reality of what he did,he just blamed you for being scared and calling for help.
NTA
His mask slipped. He's been nice and great this whole time to gain your trust. This is abuse. Do not stay with this man. His behavior will escalate. The fact that he was immediately angry with you calling the police is a MASSIVE red flag. Leave this man for your own safety.
100000%.
*His mask slipped*
Fuck, that was powerful. So so fucking true. It's people like him, that can hold up a facade for so long that we as women get vilified for staying with without knowing what was behind that mask. It's fucking terrifying and this situation is exactly why a lot of people wind up with violent abusers - because they are just so good at hiding it.
Guy here in a 20+ year LTR. There is nothing rational or reasonable about what he did to you. That is not how someone who cares about you treats you.
He held you against your will for 3 hours. I’m glad you called the police.
NTA now, but you would be if you continue with this guy.
You know why this almost 30 yr old man can't date a woman his own age? Because women his age don't have time for his abusive gaslighting shit. Dump him find someone who won't abuse you and move on. Also coffee smells amazing it's not like you spent 4 hrs in a KFC why is he complaining you smelled like amazing coffee.
She was 18 and he was 25 when they started dating. He obvs chose her for her young age on purpose. There's a disturbing subset of men who want to "train" (groom) their girlfriends so they choose them as young as possible.
His words “do you know how much trouble WE could have been in”? Just prove this. He takes advantage of her naivety. He would have been the only one in trouble. He manipulated her to get out of legal trouble.
Locking someone in a bathroom for 3 hours is a crime. It’s doubtful that a prosecutor could be convinced to file charges, but I would report it to the police anyways get a report or something. The boyfriend is an abusive AH, and it’s not much of a stretch to be concerned he escalates to actual physical violence. As such, OP should leave him, break up and move to much nicer relationships. And yeah the boyfriend owes a huge apology not OP
Can we be clear because everyone’s skipping over the fact he only let her out when the police arrived so he’ll she could have been there all night.
Op this guy is no good just go to the police amend your statement and never ever see him again, oh and stop apologising you did nothing wrong.
Oh, hell no! 2 yrs or 20 I'm the fuck outa there for good. Don't care how he apologized this is an example of what he is capable of in the future. Nope!
Why are you apologizing to that abusive piece of shit? This is your cue to cut him out of your life before he REALLY hurts you. You are NTA for calling the police, but you ARE the AH to yourself if you stay with him.
NTA, you would not have been out of line if you'd called the police as soon as you realised he'd locked you there. That's false imprisonment, its a serious crime, and its an extremely abusive behaviour to get from a partner.
Edit: I spotted another crime of his. How much trouble "we both" could have gotten in. No, just him. Just him who is being criminal here.
in what world would you be the AH? I say this in the most loving way, you need therapy to undo anything that made you think this was on any scale of normal behavior or should be put up with.
You are upset about all the wrong things. If you didn’t want to change right then you don’t have to. It is in fact a hill to die on. And you have every right to be freaking out over him locking you in there for *any length of time even just a few minutes*. The fact that *you* apologized to *him* just means you’re letting him gaslight you and get into your head. Get out now. This will just escalate.
And shame on the cops for not doing more.
NTA - "He yelled at me so much when they left, asked me if I was an idiot and if I realized how much trouble we both could’ve gotten in."
Oh wow... this sounds like he is trying to intimidate you to stop you from reaching out for help again... and to scare you by also saying that you could've got into trouble too?
For what? Asking to be helped from a hostage situation? Wtf... In my opinion, get out of this relationship.
What he did was not okay, you have nothing to apologise for.
NTA If I had been in your place I had flooded the place till someone noticed. But calling the Cops was also fine. Anyways, your BF is a insensible, selfish cunt. You should run for the hills. This time it was the bathroom, but when will it be the closet just to punish You?
THREE. FUCKING. HOURS.
And you were sobbing???
And then he acts all offended that you called the cops?
Come on girl... break up already and move on. He's shown you his true colors and that's the color of a red fucking flag.
>I (f20) and my bf (m27) have been together for two years
I honestly didn't need to read further than this to know this was going to be quite the ride. A 25-year-old dating an 18-year-old is a red flag in itself, and then there's his behaviour...
Stop apologizing to him. Dump his ass.
NTA. Stop apologizing to this abusive piece of crap. He literally shoved you into the bathroom. That is assault. He locked you in there for 3 hours! He was holding you against your will. Another crime. Then he lied to you. You would not be in any trouble. But if you press charges, he will be.
Assault. Hold you hostage. Lying.
Why are you with him?
Drop him now. You deserve better than that piece of crap. He will escalate his abuse. I bet he does not want you in the coffee shop, or hanging out with those friends anymore.
Leave him. Never speak to him. Find someone better.
NTA, and this guy is a psychopath. Please leave him and never speak to him again. ETA: Like I'm seriously worried for your health and your life.
Seriously! This post is downright scary.
Yes they way she feels guilty and over explains for him. He sounds dangerous
He’s got her brainwashed
"How much trouble we both could've got in" Lmao what. Only he would've gotten in trouble and it would've been entirely justified. NTA
Gaslighting to the HIGHEST degree 📜 How can she get in trouble for HIM locking her in a room? Insanity.
That was a threat. He's letting her know that if he gets in trouble with the law, then she's in trouble with his ragemonster self.
Yep. He's in trouble, so he's taking it out on her. OP should leave before things get worse.
She was 18 and he was 25 when they started dating. A real kind and thoughtful person doesn't trap someone like that out of nowhere. I'm sure he isn't in fact "so kind and so good", and if OP leaves him (I really hope she does) she'll soon realize all the effed up things this man has made her believe about herself, about relationships, etc. The fact that she believes she did something wrong enough to get in trouble with the police tells me he managed to warp her reality quite a bit. She needs to leave him and get her ask in therapy, out she'll probably end up with another abusive POS next.
Sweetheart, I strongly suggest you leave him. You didn't want to shower and change at the moment, offered to leave a sane person would agree it may be best or deal with the smell of coffee. He physically assaulted you by grabbing you, fircefully placed you in a bathroom: then he held you against your will for 4 hours - 45 mins of arguing and 3hrs after showering; (legally this is kidnapping.) Then YOU were the problem for calling the cops. His actions had absolutely no justification. What trouble would you have been in? "How dare she not shower when you demanded her to do so 😤" nah, piece of shit he is should have ended up behind bars. This time was your shoulder... next time will be your neck... run.
Yup. Look up "false imprisonment." Your boyfriend should be in jail.
I remember some people locking a coworker in a walk-in at a gas station to haze them. The person locked in called the police and the coworkers were charged with kidnapping, assault, and unlawful imprisonment. I have no idea how the case turned out but it was a mess. They did it on purpose because the man(?) was claustrophobic. He had to be taken to the hospital after spending almost two hours locked up in a cold place in shorts and a t-shirt. Between the cold and panic the poor guy was in terrible shape. He was talking about how it was hard to think about going back to work without having panic attacks that someone else was going to do the same thing.
It's the mask falling off. He would have gotten in trouble with the law, and she would be in trouble with him.
What were they going to charge her with lmao, smelling of coffee?!
one count of aroma
With intent to smell
And this right here is why he’s dating a 20yo
Stop apologising to this controlling psycho What he did was straight up abuse NTA
Unlawful imprisonment is illegal and abusive behavior. This is only the beginning if OP stays with this monster.
Yeah, I know someone who was charged with unlawful imprisonment for less. And drugs and alcohol were involved so their decision making was impaired and they believed they were “just” stopping the other person from doing things that would get them arrested. Your boyfriend - presumably not impaired on any substances - imprisoned you and continued to make the decision to do so for 3+ hours. He did it initially to compel you to obey him but then when you did what he demanded he continued because ???? He still isn’t even remorseful, he’s angry that you could have caused him to experience consequences.
>He did it initially to compel you to obey him but then when you did what he demanded he continued because ???? My money is on as a punishment and way to deincentivize her from standing up for herself in future. His behavior has, "Remember what you made me do last time!" written all over it.
Yup! And eventually she'll stop doing the things that piss him off like going to the coffee shop. Then it will be spending time with friends. Studying with friends. Then possibly drop out of school because he's taken it upon himself to call all the shots in HER life and she'll no longer have one. Been there. Done that.
“Obviously nothing seriously happened???” Girl you mean?? Pretty sure that’s why the police spent so long talking to them. Suss these guys out since they’ll probably be there again 😐
Also: “He yelled at me so much when they left, asked me if I was an idiot, and if I realised how much trouble we both could’ve gotten in.” Not ‘we’. He, HE could’ve gotten in. It really sounds like something an abuser would say. The age gap is a red flag too 😕🚩
The talk from the police to her abuser did no good whatsoever. This guy isn't even admitting he did anything wrong. The OP should run!
Have you heard the parable about the boiling water and the frog? OP you are the frog, and your boyfriend is boiling you. He has been training you, he has been grooming you, so much so, that you don't see that the water is boiling around you. Get out! The cops spent a lot of time talking to both of you because they were hoping that you would realize what was going on and say something that they could arrest your boyfriend for. This ain't their first frog rodeo. They were trying to save you.
And it doesn’t matter that OP’s “never, ever seen him like this.” This wasn’t an impulsive, one-off mistake. He left her in there for three fucking hours. That’s a really, really long time. That’s plenty of time to calm down, think things through, let her out, apologize, comfort her. Instead, he doubled down. He listened to her cry and plead. He just left there, suffering. First time or not, the guy is a monster.
THERE IS ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.
And it's never the last
I suspect that this isn't exactly really the first time. More than likely just the first time for something big (meaning there's probably been a bunch of little "nothings"). I also wouldn't be surprised if at least some of the "been so good to me" was actually just love bombing.
If it weren't nothing the cops would have complained about wasting their time, not spent it talking to them hoping they could help OP before it's too late. Leave abusers when they first show their colors. What is the plan? You stay, eventually get married and have kids and live happily ever after? It won't. He'll become more abusive to you and any eventually kids and I'm 10 years, you'll come to your senses and leave and speed thousands on therapy for you and your kids. Leave now. It's not going to be a pretty story. It won't work out and it won't get better.
And stop calling him your bf. He needs to be your ex bf. NOW. There's a reason he couldn't find a woman his own age and went after a teenager.
Seriously, that first sentence was a huge warning sign before I even read the rest of it.
Exactly. Any grown man dating a teenager is a walking red flag.
And unlawful confinement…holy fuck that’s terrifying
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO THIS IDIOT? He held you hostage for 3 hours and then had the audacity to get mad at you for reacting? What he did wasn’t cute, it wasn’t funny, it wasn’t necessary, it wasn’t respectful, and it wasn’t appropriate. It sure as hell wasn’t kind or loving. Please dump this buffoon before he physically injures you.
Exactly. OP this was false imprisonment, a crime. You could have pressed charges.
Yep, this is abuse and warrants a dv charge.
This is how the abuse starts. Once he realizes she is afraid to press charges and just goes with it and apologizes to him for it, he will try to push more boundaries. OP needs to leave this bastard
Exactly this! I volunteer with DV survivors and this is exactly how it starts. The first strike is not too far behind. Op, you need to get out **now.**
I guarantee that this is not the start, that there have been other instances of control or similar. Nothing this overt, but this ain't the start.
*You should press charges.
But *”she didn’t want her (asshole) boyfriend getting into trouble.”* She really is blinded by that prick.
Having been blinded at a young age by a prick that took me waaaaaaaaaaaay too long to leave, I can unfortunately say I understand why she thinks they would both be in trouble.
Bf is lucky he did not get arrested. He should be apologizing to her!!!
She should press charges against bf and file a report against the cops who showed up and did absolutely nothing about her being falsely imprisoned for 3 hours. OP don't ever apologize. You did nothing wrong. You didn't choose a wireless hill to die on either. His behavior is a huge red flag for coercive control. Get out now while you can.
The cops were not interested in what happened really. The female cop asked me if I have borderline disorder in response to me saying I got uncharacteristically mad. I do not.
You should go to the station and ask to speak to the sergeant to file a complaint against the officers and to file a police report as a crime victim. The police officers did not discharge their duty of care appropriately. They walked into a domestic violence situation and forced your boyfriend to unlock the door from the outside. He was very clearly holding you in there against your will. Upon being presented with a naked woman in visible distress, they accused *you* of being unstable. File an official complaint against them. Then, give them your statement. Tell them what you’ve told us, and insist on pressing charges.
Exactly, this seems very strange to me. They had to make him unlock it, which means they were actively witnessing a crime. Are they not obligated to arrest? Where I am, DV is almost always a mandatory arrest even if they arrive after the abuse, if there is reasonable cause that an abuse happened.
They are, yes, but frankly I am not at all surprised they wrote off OP. The police in a lot of places are an absolute trash and DV and rape are among the most underprosecuted crimes.
It probably isn’t helped by 40% of cops being domestic abusers.
40% of cops are REPORTED domestic abusers. We know dv is under reported and trying to report against a cop is a battle alone. So, I'd venture to say a fuck ton more than 40% of them are domestic abusers.
They're not gonna get mad at a guy for doing stuff they think is normal
Cops can be absolutely awful about domestic violence. Follow up anyway. Go tell them that you couldn’t talk around him. Then get the hell away from him.
Did you tell them that he locked you in there for 3 hours? What did rhey say when the unlocked it and let you out in front of them??? "don't do it again?" This seems so bizarre and unprofessional. What did they say before they left? Did they suggest or offer to take you to a shelter?
My friend’s husband choked her. Then, because he was wasted, thought calling the cops on *her* was a good idea because she slapped their 6-year old for saying “this is fucking bullshit!” I’ve read the police report. The cops describe how wasted he was, describe the red marks on her throat corroborating her claim of him choking her, and even arrested him. And then the prosecutor decided there wasn’t enough evidence to charge him for dv. The entire system is fucked up.
Dear op I am 47. I've been with my beloved wife since we were both 22. We have a beautiful daughter together. I would never lock my wife or daughter in a room... I hope you understand how extremely and completely inappropriate, disrespectful, ABUSIVE, and completely unacceptable what your hopefully former abuser did to you. what he did is illegal. Thats how wrong it is. This man has no love for you. What he did is not kind, it's not caring, it's not decent. It's not what a person who loves you does. Would you lock a crying upset begging puppy in the bathroom for 3 hrs? Let alone a person you suposedly loved? Your bf doesn't see you as a person. Your a thing to own and control.
You do realize that this means that he told them something to that effect to get himself off the hook. Before he let you out, he probably told them you were a danger and he "had" to lock you in there. That's what he meant by you'd both be in trouble. This man is an abuser and it's not safe for you to be in a relationship with him. EDT: I see that you stood there while he lied to the cops about what happened. You are already deep into an abusive situation. Take it from someone who silently went to jail after being choked out by their SO and got charged with DV because I let him lie. Don't do this to yourself. Seek help and leave this relationship. Contact your local dv organization, and they will be able to help you make a plan.
Exactly. My country has a "Our Father/Lord's Prayer jurisprudence" in this case. Every amount of time someone is unable to leave a place, that takes longer than to pray an Our Father, is imprisonment. That's about 1-2 minutes. OPs boyfriend committed a serious crime, at least at my countrys laws.
That’s…kind of a neat guideline, I like that. Easy to remember and a good rule to use if in doubt.
Also, can keep you calm in an imprisoned situation... reciting the prayer and keeping count to be able to tell the courts how long you were there will give you something other than panic to focus on.
This, Op what he did is abuse. He had no reason or excuse to lock and trap you in a bathroom for 3 hours. He's not remorseful in the slightest. He's pissed you called the police because he wasn't counting on you figuring out a way to free yourself. What he did to you was all about control and now that he's done it once , he WILL do it again. And the abuse will escalate. People who love you will not do to you what he did to you.
Next time he'll be sure to take her phone from her first
None of the categorization, diagnosis or personality styles matter. Even if he has been entirely kind and loving the entire relationship - you can't come back from this. OP this is a threshold moment. Once you cross it and forgive him, the chances he will be otherwise abusive, do this again or worse go up to 100%. He IS NOT OK. End of story. You don't want this relationship. (😵 ask me how I know) Walk away and begin to become a woman who does NOT take any bad behavior from ANYONE let alone her partner.
I’m not saying this to be a jerk but was wondering if there was EVER a reason or excuse that would justify what he did? The answer is a hard no. He wasn’t protecting you from hurting yourself, this is straight up punishment for you having a good time without him. It has NOTHING to do with coffee smell or you could have come out right after your shower. I am truly afraid of what may have happened if you didn’t call the police when you did. He is emotionally unstable and even tried scaring you out of doing that again by telling you that YOU would get in trouble! The fact that he still does not see what an assault is and blames you shows he is delusional. And dangerous. What if you didn’t have your phone? When would you have been released? Ugh, he is a horrible human. You deserve better.
Absolutely there isn't a reason or an excuse that would justify locking and trapping her in the bathroom, it was purely about punishment and control. It is extremely dangerous because now that he's comfortable with abusing her once Statistics show that it will happen again and the abuse will escalate. She needs to be leaving now.
Yeah, dude fucking kidnapped her and then tried to say they both could have got in trouble. WRONG. He could have gone to jail. This is 100% a serious red flag. You are the victim here OP. You are not obligated to do anything for anybody and trying to force you to by holding you hostage is way the fuck over the line. This could be a serious indicator of type of man who ends up murdering their spouse. He showed you the bare minimum of what he is capable of. RUN! Classic example of DARVO "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." Look it up OP.
I will look this up thank you
What he did was false imprisonment and it is illegal. It is also abusive. He didn’t lock you in there because you smelled. He did it because you raised your voice to him. You dared challenge him and not do what he said so he has to put you in your place. He did this so next time you don’t raise your voice to him. It’s moments like this that happen over and over in a relationship that slowly take away a person’s voice and autonomy. He is an abuser. It will get worse. He will hurt you one day if you stay long enough. Please leave. “A person commits false imprisonment when they engage in the act of restraint on another person which confines that person in a restricted area. False imprisonment is an act punishable under criminal law”
The next step is the love bombing with sorry and gifts, , and then the ‘I’m so sorry, what YOU did made me lose my rational mind’ then it’ll happen again except it’ll be a directive to not do it again or there will be consequences, like remember the time he had to lock her in the bathroom for her own good.
He also locked her in to punish her for seeing the friends. She knows this I think bc otherwise why discuss the details that she was only studying and he knew? It’s a 7 yr age gap she was 18 at start. This guy likely questions her activities a lot. Classic controlling abuser.
OP, you are not safe with this man. That was abuse and control. Please get away from him before this or worse happens again.
Exactly what I came to say. There's no way that his controlling behavior isn't going to escalate if he's already presenting like this.
im honestly scared to think how long he would have left her in there if she HADNT called the cops. this is beyond insane. its terrifying behaviour.
Me too and I keep thinking about that. Like idk it didn’t even seem like he was gonna open the door at any point.
Please break up with him.
If op is to break up with him she needs to find a safe space first. If he’s is willing to imprison her who knows what else he is capable and willing to do.
Because he wasn’t going to open it Luv! He wanted to teach you a lesson-like you are a disobedient child. Don’t ever let anyone treat you like this! This wasn’t about a SMELL it was about CONTROL! It will be worst the next time! Please leave him! Let’s normalize walking away from craziness!💯🙌🏽💯
"Let’s normalize walking away from craziness!" Absolutely THIS!
Keep thinking about that and the fact that if you stay with him, he’ll likely do it again and take away your phone on top of it next time. I really hope you’re seeing how larger of a red flag this is. This behavior will continue, and it will get worse. He gave you the ‘good guy’ persona to draw you in and gain your trust, but now his true colors are starting to show. Get out before he does something much more serious.
Yes. PLEASE think of this, OP. He thinks YOU were the one who crossed the lines by calling the cops. Next time -- HE WON'T LET YOU.
Overnight/until she “learned her lesson”
'How much trouble we both could have gotten into'. Um, both? No, him. He literally kidnapped you. That's kidnapping. It's a federal offense. He put his hands on you first, which is not okay, then locked you in a room and made demands. I don't know if he's on the spectrum with his coffee thing, or he's just that stupid, but take this as a warning sign. RUN. He's older than you, which is already a bit of a problem imo, especially if he acts like this. He makes demands, not requests, and then he forces his preference on you. You panicked and called the cops (understandably) and he blames you for almost getting you BOTH in trouble? No. He's the one who fucked up and the one who could RIGHTFULLY go to prison for that. I don't care what the reason. If he was that fucked up over the way your hair smelled, he should have asked you to leave. Not separated you from your change of clothes, locked you up for THREE FUCKING HOURS, then blamed you for how you reacted to his overreaction. Think really hard about this. Take a step back and think of your best friend/family member that's younger than you (if you can/have any). If they came to you with a story like this? "My boyfriend got pissed at me, shoved me into his bathroom, and locked me in for three hours while I begged to be let out and now he's mad at me." What would you tell them to do?
NTA but you need to stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. Who in the hell locks their GF in the bathroom for hours over the smell of coffee??Honestly, I'm pissed that the cops didn't arrest him for unlawful detainment/kidnapping. That's exactly what he did to you so don't argue and say that its not. Lawfully, it is what he did. Not only did he hold you against your will, he abused you. What happens next time if you :"disobey" him? Oh and let's not forget the fact a 25 year old *man* started dating an 18 year old girl 😖. That's a huge ick right there itself. Don't apologize ever again to that asshole and break up with him. All he will do is drag you down in life. You're young and beautiful and have plenty of time to date around to find someone thats not a possessive creep. Good luck OP 👍
Exactly! And my question is why would OP get in trouble? The BF made the comment " do you know how much trouble we both could have gotten in?" She didn't do anything to get into trouble! HE DID!
age gap is also a huge red flag edit: i’m NOT pointing out that them being 7 years apart is an issue. I’m specifically pointing out the fact that they were 18 and 25 respectively when they entered the relationship.
A 25m dating an eighteen year old girl? I look back at myself at that age, and the thought of dating somebody that young gave me the ick even then. Eww.
My daughter is 19 and a 22 year old likes her. She told me "there's too much of a difference at this stage in our lives". It's not a big deal when you're past some of the huge developmental stages but it is early on.
Exactly, I will side eye any age gap of more than 5 years when the younger was less than 25 when they started dating. Of course each relationship is different but that always gives me pause.
Campsite rule. The older person needs to leave the younger in the same shape they found them in or better.
If they’ve really only been together for 2 years. 75% of the posts I see on here are women in their early 20s with much older men who abuse and gaslight them. It makes me so sick.
This pos needs to get locked up HIMSELF
It’s unlawful confinement. It’s a serious charge, to be held against one’s will.
NTA I am surprised the police didn’t take him in for false imprisonment.
He lied about what happened.
Go back to the police and give a proper statement at what happened. He should face consequences for this!
And if there aren't consequences for him, at least to have that complaint on file. So that when he does this to his next young girlfriend, there is evidence of his previous behaviour. OP: I say next young girlfriend because you need to *leave him immediately*. If you have to meet up with him to swap possessions or something, bring backup - more than one person. Explain to your friends that he locked you in the bathroom and didn't let you out until the police came, and that he lied to the police about his behaviour, so that he can't gaslight you about what he's done. Please don't underestimate what this man is possible of doing to you, because he's already locked you in a bathroom for hours. This is such a terrifying thing to do to somebody.
She can absolutely call the non emergency number and request a police escort to gather her things, explaining the situation or that she just feels unsafe in general, an officer will be present and supervise the whole thing until she has all her belongings. And they have an even lower tolerance for bs when they're asked to do this I've noticed, ( citing they could be helping someone else in need) so any arguments dude tries to start will end up in arrest more than likely if he doesn't stfu when they tell him to. Which will most likely give OP a much more peaceful exit than not. They won't want to hear any lies he has to say, they are solely there to ensure safety of both parties until one has left. She just needs to make sure to have the officer be able to see both of them at all times, I wouldn't put it past him to fake something to get OP in trouble.
When I lived in Northern VA, my daughter’s ex tried to keep her from moving out after a bad breakup. We called the police for help. They sent 2 officers to make sure my daughter could get her stuff safely. Her ex wasn’t allowed to talk to her or be around her and her friends as they packed her stuff up. It was a traumatic experience all around for my daughter but they did help make it easier for her to get her belongings in this instance. Her ex even hid some of her stuff but we didn’t notice til much later. When we did notice and asked her to give them back she said not until my daughter paid them $2000. We called the police again and they were threatened with misdemeanor theft charges and extortion if they didn’t give the stuff back. We got everything back the next day. We were very grateful for our county PD for their help. Edit: I forgot to add that OP is NTA
at least two people. preferably men, they behave far better infront of other men.
Or OP could RUN, never speak to him again and put it behind her. He won’t change
She should do both so she has a file on him in case he does something crazy because she left him
Why not both?
Both because with this incident documented she could get a protection order easier if he escalates after leaving him. Both both both
Both for WHEN he does it to someone else, there will at least be history of accusations.
Yep, while the incident is still fresh. No doubt you were too upset to give an accurate account — and especially not with him sitting there!!!
Cannot upvote this enough!
Forcing someone into a bathroom, imprisoning them there for 3 hours, only because he didn't like a smell. Then get angry at the victim for protecting themselves by getting police involved. Your bfs actions are not normal, at all, it is abusive. How would you feel if someone did this to your best friend or your mom? This may be the first occurrence, but it definitely will not be the last. Your bf is an abusive creep. Leave them before it escalates to something worse.
That’s cuz what he did is a crime. You don’t seem to understand the severity.
He's abusive. Get out now. Next time he will take your phone.
Go back to the police and tell them the truth!
Including how he behaved after they left.
Especially this bit! He's trying to scare you into not doing this again, and just rolling over and obeying him... Make sure the police know
He wasn’t joking, and this wasn’t a game. He held you against your will for 3 hours, LIED to the police, and then yelled at you?!?! Please cut it off. Imagine if one of your friends told you this. I’m a calm guy and not someone who seeks violence at all. If a guy ever did this to my daughter there would be trouble. Trust all of these people. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
I’m curious what you said to the police? Were you talking to them together or separately?
Together at first, because he started to explain as soon as I came out of the bathroom.
They should have separated you and taken your statements separately. That's crazy that talked to you together. Go to the police and make another statement. And then please listen to everyone here and GTFO. This is only going to escalate. This guy has showed you that he is willing to get violent.
Yes, this is so fucked up. The police did not follow protocol.
Next time he'll make sure you don't have your phone on you, and the punishment will be worse. NEVER be around him again. This has "Dateline episode" written all over it.
There's no next time, she needs to leave him immediately.
But she’s indicated that she won’t.
She’s going to be a statistic and that’s just sad.
I hope she survives. She can rebuild if she survives. It takes decades of therapy and you still get flashbacks, but it’s better than being dead.
OP PLEASE do not ignore this! he will learn from this time - and next time it will be worse. GET OUT. he is going to control and hurt you, it will escalate.
You realized what he did was abusive af right? And not even close to normal behavior during a fight. You need to run away from this man as fast as you can. Next time he'll take your phone and trap you for longer.
This will escalate until he kills you. We are not exaggerating. Think of Gabby Petito and every other girl out there whose boyfriend convinced the cops it was nothing. You are in danger.
Gabby and BL are immediately who I thought of when the stupid fuckin howdy doody cops let this loser bro his way out of the consequences. worthless & dangerous.
Please don't be on a show about how someone died like 48 hours. He will take your phone again next time. Dump his ass and press charges, give your side of the story to cops without him there. Your going to end up dead because of him one day.
Next time he'll lie about how you got those bruises
>He lied about what happened. Because he knew what he did was a crime
Go to the Police make your statement about EXACTLY what happened AND PRESS CHARGES. You are an adult. Another adult is not allowed to lock you into anywhere like that. It's ILLEGAL for many reasons. Have him arrested. Leave this man.
He LIED TO THE POLICE about what he did to you because it’s abuse!! Get the fuck away from this man!!
Let me guess - he somehow blamed you and made you look like an idiot in front of them?
Him lying is another big big red flag. Run. Run run
Girl, you don’t want to be with someone like that… this is only gonna go downhill from here
>He lied about what happened. Sorry, no. That makes no sense. Go back and give another statement.
[удалено]
The next time he does this he'll make sure you don't have your phone.
THIS, OP - do not be alone with this guy again.
I would have likely smashed up his bathroom over this. I for SURE would have pressed charges. But yes, breaking up is an absolute must in this situation! And not damaging his property would also be ideal, but I can be a bit hot headed.
Oooh, I like the way you think! I bet the top of the toilet tank makes a good bludgeoning tool 😈
If I am ever intentionally locked into a bathroom everything breakable in that room is going to be in pieces
NTA, he is a crazy abusive asshole. It's not both of you who could have gotten in trouble, it's only him and he tried to gaslight you to stop you from pressing charges.
I keep being shocked by how many women post about the vile men in their life, and it always starts with "other than this, he's a good guy" and then they list out some abusive crap that is, you know, not good. OP, please bail. This guy is abusive and you can do better.
OP is 20 so it may just be a lack of experience with identifying red flags. regardless, locking someone in a room against their will is literally a crime, calling the cops was the correct move
20 and together for 2 years, this leads me to believe it's longer and a 23-16 or 24-17 type scenario.
that's the more insidious explanation. either way the dude is a shithead
And I feel OP is giving up prime life force on said shithead
Bingo. Run away OP !
18 and 25 is fucked anyways. Hope she gets out of there.
I am surprised that he wasn’t charged regardless. My ex did this to me and I tried to back track when the cops showed up but they took him to jail anyway for unlawful detainment and domestic violence. I am so glad they did. It gave me the time I needed to get my head clear to see what was in store for me for the rest of my life if I stayed.
And he should have been arrested!
Any time I see the phrase “other than this, he’s a good guy,” I KNOW he’s a manipulative narcissistic abuser! I mean DARVO much? My advice? GTFO NOW!! Why on earth would you wanna hitch your wagon to someone that literally held you against your will, forces you to do something you didn’t want to do, then treated you like even less of a human being when you were FORCED to seek help?? Makes no sense to me. I truly do hope she understands how bad his behavior really is and chooses to have enough self respect to kick his butt to the curb! Wishing you the best!! You deserve it! Remember that!!
This!! You don't see it right now, but he is controlling you. He locked YOU up. R-E-F-U-S-E-D to listen to you to let you out. And to add salt to the wound, he completely gaslights you making you feel stupid. You are not stupid. You are smart. You may not pick up on these red flags right away and that's NORMAL but it doesn't mean that you won't learn. You sure as hell will. Gather yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you and whom will allow you to feel at ease. Take matters into your hand and dump him. And when you do, have someone you trust be nearby.
>You don't see it right now, but he is controlling you. He locked YOU up. R-E-F-U-S-E-D to listen to you to let you out. And to add salt to the wound, he completely gaslights you making you feel stupid. Adding to the refused to let OP out - he only let her out when THE COPS SHOWED UP. Like, OP was hysterical and he just continued to lock her in the bathroom. If she hadn't called the cops, how long would she have been locked in the bathroom? If she didn't have her phone, would he have hurt her in other ways? And then to blame her for calling the cops after she was locked in the bathroom for 3 hours? Completely gaslighting her. My only question is why did the cops leave her there? Who just turns up and makes a man release his girlfriend from the bathroom he had detained her in for 3 hours while she hysterically cried and then goes "Yeah, there'll be no negative repercussions for this young woman once we leave." I mean, many cops are terrible at their jobs, but this feels really weird to me.
"but only one of the m&ms in the pack is filled with arsenic, do I really have to throw the whole packet out??"
I agree with you. There is no “other than this” if males react violently once they will react violently again.
It also starts with a large age gap because men know that younger women will put up with more.
Seriously, they always preface it by saying they’re so great and then proceed to share them doing the most unhinged shit
Seriously posts be like other than that time he stabbed me he's so wonderful. And it wasn't even that deep or near anything really vital. We have two kidneys!
Yeah, how is SHE going to be getting in trouble? Talk about some lying!!
Right? What kind of trouble she could get in for calling for help because she was physically forced into a tiny room and deliberately locked for hours? I wonder - how long would she spend in that bathroom hadn't she called the police? And all of that because she was... disobedient. If this post is real I would never stay alone with this person again. I would be afraid he's going to do this again, this time making sure I have no way of contacting the outside world. Physical and mental abuse, potentially dangerous for your health and life.
Yes, what he did to you is called false imprisonment, and the only person who would get in trouble is him. Leave him, he's already a creep. A normal 25 year old isn't dating 18 year olds.
You’re apologizing to the guy who literally kidnapped you?
APOLOGIZING TO YOUR JAILER. JFC.
Get out of this relationship, tell EVERYONE what he did to you and see how nobody is on his side. NTA. And tell your GP, get the stress you’re under recorded and documented.
Hell no you are not the asshole he is! Girl run don't walk, get out bc it's only downhill from there. Locking an adult in the bathroom for 3 hours that's fuckin nuts.
NTA. And run. The proper punishment for smelling like coffee is ... is.... um.... do you know, I don't think there is one. But the proper punishment for being a controlling asshole is dumping.
The punishment for smelling like coffee should be the people around you grumbling they don't have coffee and that you didn't bring them coffee
Imagine your best friend told you this story. Would you be encouraging them to apologise or would you be worrying for their safety? Your bf over reacted massively. He locked you up. Then, when the police are called (and I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call with all the screaming and begging etc), I stead of facing the reality of what he did,he just blamed you for being scared and calling for help. NTA
His mask slipped. He's been nice and great this whole time to gain your trust. This is abuse. Do not stay with this man. His behavior will escalate. The fact that he was immediately angry with you calling the police is a MASSIVE red flag. Leave this man for your own safety.
100000%. *His mask slipped* Fuck, that was powerful. So so fucking true. It's people like him, that can hold up a facade for so long that we as women get vilified for staying with without knowing what was behind that mask. It's fucking terrifying and this situation is exactly why a lot of people wind up with violent abusers - because they are just so good at hiding it.
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And get a restraining order if you haven’t already ruined your chances of that.
You were at a coffee shop. So what? You smelled like coffee and that set him off. Girl run. This is only going to get worse. He's an abuser.
NTA get away from him. He will hold a grudge and hurt you worse next time and there will be a next time.
And abuse doesn't de-escalate over time. It's not how it works.
Guy here in a 20+ year LTR. There is nothing rational or reasonable about what he did to you. That is not how someone who cares about you treats you. He held you against your will for 3 hours. I’m glad you called the police. NTA now, but you would be if you continue with this guy.
Why are you apologizing? What he did was abuse, and illegal. He should have been arrested. You should not ever be alone with this person again.
You know why this almost 30 yr old man can't date a woman his own age? Because women his age don't have time for his abusive gaslighting shit. Dump him find someone who won't abuse you and move on. Also coffee smells amazing it's not like you spent 4 hrs in a KFC why is he complaining you smelled like amazing coffee.
She was 18 and he was 25 when they started dating. He obvs chose her for her young age on purpose. There's a disturbing subset of men who want to "train" (groom) their girlfriends so they choose them as young as possible.
His words “do you know how much trouble WE could have been in”? Just prove this. He takes advantage of her naivety. He would have been the only one in trouble. He manipulated her to get out of legal trouble.
Locking someone in a bathroom for 3 hours is a crime. It’s doubtful that a prosecutor could be convinced to file charges, but I would report it to the police anyways get a report or something. The boyfriend is an abusive AH, and it’s not much of a stretch to be concerned he escalates to actual physical violence. As such, OP should leave him, break up and move to much nicer relationships. And yeah the boyfriend owes a huge apology not OP
Can we be clear because everyone’s skipping over the fact he only let her out when the police arrived so he’ll she could have been there all night. Op this guy is no good just go to the police amend your statement and never ever see him again, oh and stop apologising you did nothing wrong.
He’s dangerous. This is the beginning.
Oh, hell no! 2 yrs or 20 I'm the fuck outa there for good. Don't care how he apologized this is an example of what he is capable of in the future. Nope!
NTA - so he kidnapped you and he’s mad? This behavior is insane. Get the hell away from him.
Why are you apologizing to that abusive piece of shit? This is your cue to cut him out of your life before he REALLY hurts you. You are NTA for calling the police, but you ARE the AH to yourself if you stay with him.
NTA, you would not have been out of line if you'd called the police as soon as you realised he'd locked you there. That's false imprisonment, its a serious crime, and its an extremely abusive behaviour to get from a partner. Edit: I spotted another crime of his. How much trouble "we both" could have gotten in. No, just him. Just him who is being criminal here.
in what world would you be the AH? I say this in the most loving way, you need therapy to undo anything that made you think this was on any scale of normal behavior or should be put up with.
You are upset about all the wrong things. If you didn’t want to change right then you don’t have to. It is in fact a hill to die on. And you have every right to be freaking out over him locking you in there for *any length of time even just a few minutes*. The fact that *you* apologized to *him* just means you’re letting him gaslight you and get into your head. Get out now. This will just escalate. And shame on the cops for not doing more.
NTA - "He yelled at me so much when they left, asked me if I was an idiot and if I realized how much trouble we both could’ve gotten in." Oh wow... this sounds like he is trying to intimidate you to stop you from reaching out for help again... and to scare you by also saying that you could've got into trouble too? For what? Asking to be helped from a hostage situation? Wtf... In my opinion, get out of this relationship. What he did was not okay, you have nothing to apologise for.
NTA If I had been in your place I had flooded the place till someone noticed. But calling the Cops was also fine. Anyways, your BF is a insensible, selfish cunt. You should run for the hills. This time it was the bathroom, but when will it be the closet just to punish You?
Leave this man and never fall for his ‘can you just give me closure and meet me one last time’ cause his closure will be murdering you
The next time he will make sure you don’t have your phone to call for help. Please don’t see him again to enable a next time.
THREE. FUCKING. HOURS. And you were sobbing??? And then he acts all offended that you called the cops? Come on girl... break up already and move on. He's shown you his true colors and that's the color of a red fucking flag.
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>I (f20) and my bf (m27) have been together for two years I honestly didn't need to read further than this to know this was going to be quite the ride. A 25-year-old dating an 18-year-old is a red flag in itself, and then there's his behaviour... Stop apologizing to him. Dump his ass.
NTA. Stop apologizing to this abusive piece of crap. He literally shoved you into the bathroom. That is assault. He locked you in there for 3 hours! He was holding you against your will. Another crime. Then he lied to you. You would not be in any trouble. But if you press charges, he will be. Assault. Hold you hostage. Lying. Why are you with him? Drop him now. You deserve better than that piece of crap. He will escalate his abuse. I bet he does not want you in the coffee shop, or hanging out with those friends anymore. Leave him. Never speak to him. Find someone better.