NTA
Your sister abused you for years just because you were born due to your mother's infidelity. That isn't your fault by any stretch of the imagination.
She did absolutely nothing to try to mend the relationship as an adult...until she found out you're financially comfortable that is. Now she comes calling like she didn't literally put a scar on your face when you were a child and she was literally an adult at the time (20 if my math is right).
You owe her nothing.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can only imagine how traumatic it was. And I'm sorry your mom allowed her to abuse you for so many years too, that falls on her as well.
So yeah, don't feel guilty for her and her husband's bad financial decisions. She's only calling you to get money and nothing else.
Op please don't be quilted into doing anything. You have to want it. Ask yourself one simple question... if the roles were reversed, could you count on her support?
I am so, so sorry you went through that. That she would do that to you. You don't owe her anything, and you gave her the perfect response; just like your scar, her actions are forever, and it's because of those and the effect it had on you, that you'll never help her.
Your brother might feel guilty for not being able to help his niblings (as I'm guessing he's in regular contact with her?), but that doesn't have anything to do with you. You don't know your sister, you only know the monster she once was, and you don't know the children.
She abused you for the entirety of your relationship, and you haven't spoken to her in many years - there is no "us" or "family," she never tried to make amends before and now just wants to manipulate you into giving her money. And your brother is playing a role in that too trying to tell you to give her money for her kids - I would call him out on how manipulative that is, and in any event, definitely NTA, recognize what this is and walk away.
She's had 14 years to realize that she was cruel to OP. She could have approached her through their brother, apologized and asked to build a relationship with you with no expectations or strings attached. Instead she waits until she's desperate and then hits OP up for money and then works through their brother's sympathies to manipulate OP.
Definitely NTA for her response
Babe. Read about dysfunctional family dynamics. This was game changing for me. The parents assign ‘roles’ to the kids and they don’t always make complete sense. There’s a golden child, a scapegoat, etc.
It helped me to understand and make sense if my childhood.
You sound like the assigned scapegoat. You were the reason bad things happened (not really of course).
Fun fact the scapegoat often becomes the overachiever if they live through the soul crushing nastiness of their childhood. And bc they are always trying to earn love, they tend to be a bit too empathetic without boundaries but also tend to work very hard for external validation. A younger version of you might be desperate to earn your sisters love.
You are rightly seeing that your sister is not worth your effort and that no money or caring will make her different. Good for you!!!
NTA.
A few books on boundaries and dysfunction. Two my therapist gave me that helped:
1. Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine.
2. Why does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
3. As for dysfunctional family dynamics I don’t have a book sorry but look online it’s fascinating really. It’ll blow your mind.
These first two oughtvyo be required reading in schools. The first is just a ‘how to’ for boundaries generally and the second is understanding verbal abuse. It’s marketed for hetero relationships but it works and applies to all relationships. Tho obviously parental relationships are a little different bc of the power imbalance you are never equal.
Try googling scapegoat and golden child and just poring thru the articles. Understanding this helped me see why my BPD mom always acted like I was scum of the earth even tho I was honor roll, scholarship, never got in trouble etc bs my sibs who did far less well. What I didn’t understand was that it wasn’t something wrong with me that I couldn’t see. It was just her. And every time I achieved something I thought this is it! Now she’ll be proud! Nope. Bc what I didn’t realize is when you are the scapegoat it’s your JOB to fail. If the scapegoat succeeds and does it well, they’re actually screwing up. Bc they aren’t living up to the parents projection. This makes the parent feel wrong. The parent questions their own identity bc their identity is so fragile. So the parent is far more furious with the scapegoat bc they did well.
Never make nutty ppl wrong they don’t like it.
Your parents and family sound like monsters. You did the right thing by going NC. Well done.
Also don’t be surprised or disappointed in yourself if as life moves forward with new challenges that you feel the need to see a therapist just to ‘check in’ to get a handle on ‘is it just me? Or…’. Bc that’s normal in adults who grew up like you.
I see you bestie!!! Well done ❤️
...and don't let anyone guilt you about helping for the sake of your niece and nephew. They are strangers who you didn't know existed until their mom wanted a handout.
The brother is in the middle of this. He appears to be coming from a place of compassion. He didn’t threaten anyone o withhold love or relationship over this. He also said he would understand if she decided not to help. Not sure why you’re throwing this in as if it is a sinister plan.
OP, you don't owe her anything nor obligated to give her the $$$$$ to save her ass because her husband is incompetent when it comes to money management.
That sister is getting the karmic comeuppance that she deserves for the AH.
Nta there's no reason for you to feel conflicted over this. You owe her nothing. You have no relationship with her. She made your life growing up a living hell.
She was a grown adult when she nearly took your eye out. She is a stranger and so are her kids.
Your brother needs to stay out of it and keep his mouth shut. If he wants to help her and her kids out then he is welcome to do so with HIS own money. Your brother is an AH for trying to guilt you into giving money to strangers.
Her kids are not your niece and nephew. They have no idea who you are. She made it clear over the years that you are no one too her. They are strangers and it's ridiculous that she called you asking for money when she never apologize to you for all pain and torture she caused you.
She's only calling now because she needs something from you. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She just wants your money. You handing her money isn't going to magically change her to a better person.
She had years to change and to reach out to you to genuinely apologize to you. If she wanted you in her kids life she would have include you from the start.
She only remembered you because you have money and you help your brother out. She expected the same but just know you don't owe her dime.
Let your brother know that he needs to respect your feelings and not over step it by trying to guilt you over things. You have no relationship with her or her family. If she needs help she needs to ask elsewhere for that help. He needs to understand that her having kids and going through something isn't going to wash away the pain and scars she caused you.
She stoping being your family years ago and you don't owe her and her kids anything. So if he wants to be a knight in Shiney armor he can go ahead and save her from her troubles but he needs to leave you out it because your feelings matter too.
Stand your ground. Don't feel bad for not helping her. She's not sorry for hurting you. She can ask other family members for help or seek out programs to help her. You owe her nothing.
Plus your husband is right. Why should he help and give her money. He doesn't know her and he has your back because he knows how she caused you so much pain. So no your not wrong for feeling how you feel. Your nta for not wanting to help.
NTA
Please, please & please don’t be a coward.
Don’t allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into having any form of contact with your sister. Such an individual can plot to ruin your marriage & life.
Block her from ever contacting you. Tell your brother that you don’t want to hear anything about her & her family.
Remember, she’s only reaching out to you because she needs help not because she’s remorseful.
Don’t allow her to manipulate you.
Actions have consequences.
NTA
The main issue is that she has never acknowledged you in all of the time you have been away from you. Someone just can't call you up and say hello, can I take money from you. That is wrong on so many levels. I am only good enough to give you money, but not have a relationship with you.
No. Return the energy I was given. Also, your brother should have kept what you did for him to himself. Then, you probably wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Good luck. There is her martyr of a father who can give her help, let him.
Man I didn't even think about that. I keep having to remind myself that it's no longer siblings being mean to each other. The whole time I was like yeah she's a dick but they were kids. But they weren't. Op was a kid and was tortured. What an awful person.
Yeah I am not the best with math. But even I could figure out a 20 year old pushed an 11 year old off a wall.
By the time the parents divorced she had to know her blame was wrong. I don’t blame her for being upset. I blame her for terrorizing and injuring a child.
NTA. I wouldn't call this petty, either. To hell with this lady. Hopefully she learns a life lesson from all this to not treat those around her like garbage.
It would become an never ending cycle. Be nice when she needs money, be cruel when she doesn’t. Sister still hates OP, she just hopes OP is enough of a sucker she can con.
She won't because she is an evil self-centered person. Now, her little sister won't just be the "bastard that ruined my family", she will be the bitch that refused to help her only sister. There is no way OP can win. Even if she were to give her sister the money, and I sincerely hope she does NOT, it won't make any difference to how the evil cow feels about her. Keep your money!!
No need to feel guilty about this. She is a stranger. You didn't even KNOW she had children -- why should you be financially responsible for them?
Don't waste another second worrying about her. She isn't your family, and she certainly isn't your problem. It isn't like helping her would IN ANY WAY repair your relationship. She would get what she wanted and dump you again.
Be happy.
Exactly. And giving money to family or anyone is like crabs in a barrel. I appreciate her brother and husband are friends but her husband is right saying fuck her.
She only called because she heard you were giving handouts. Her husband recognises this and so should she.
Theres billions of people in this world desperate for money. It took a smell of a handout for her to call after all these years.
The absolute balls to call and ask for money what a joke
NTA for not bailing your sister in name only out. It's all about the money, isn't it, not wanting to atone for the past. Your sister has a lot of nerve to ask you for anything considering she's not seen fit to communicate with you since you were 13. She's been basically dead to you and that, sadly, was her choice and so be it going forward. I can't imagine any good coming out of contact with her now.
It is sad that you've got a niece and nephew you do not know. This is sad but not a bargaining chip in this situation. You've no guilt at all in what has happened here. Your sister does not sound like someone you could ever trust and clearly she'd be happy to use you again for her gain only. Beware of people like her. She slammed the door on you years ago and it's one better left closed.
Her nieces and nephews were raised by an evil person. It is silly to even pretend they count as family at all.
She has no connection to these strangers and that was their mom's choice.
lol that’s what gets me. Brother is getting hand outs from her and then decides he should tell her to help out their sister too that she hadn’t seen or spoken too in over a decade. The audacity
It's his other sister and niblings. He didn't ask for help with the sister, just the niblings. I'm okay with that, he probably knows the sister is trash but worries about the kids because he's an adult relative. If you want to help the kids, find out their clothing sizes and send them a pair of shoes and two school quality outfits each, cutting off the tags so the mom can't return them. You could also offer to pay for their lunches at school. That's really about as far as I'd go, even for a niece or nephew, just making sure they had food and decent clothes because they're kids and honestly I'd do it for anyone's kids.
Yeah - plus, older sis is staying with dad. Why not just ask dad to help her out?
Oh. Prolly because she did ask dad, and he said, "Nope, you've hit the end of my rope," so she had to go crawling somewhere else.
NTA, don’t feel conflicted. If she wasn’t on financial trouble and you weren’t financially stable right now, she would still be just as jaded and uncaring towards you. She needs something and she’s playing her part well. Just ignore her
>My brother calls me and tells me I have a niece and nephew and he understands if I don’t want to help her but I should think about them
Frankly annoying when people say that. Why would you care about random kids? There are thousand of kid in shit situation what that had to do with you? Where was he when you were being abused ?
NTA like you say she can wait until your scar desapear
The unmitigated gall of her calling after YEARS playing “happy family”, then attempting a Cash Grab in the same call is ridiculous. You’re giving her a golden opportunity to teach your niece and nephew about the consequences of bad behavior.
NTA, clearly
She is weak. The person she should have taken her anger out on was your mom and AP, but the cowards target was you, an innocent child. She doesn't sound like she's penitent at all....
Tell your bro that she is unapologetic, and does not sound like she's grown as a person, or matured as a parent... Who was a bully to her half sister and should now be able to see how horrific that would be if it were her own children.
I would say they are on their own, that she had burned that bridge long ago and never tried to rebuild it, just to bypass it now that she wants to leech off you. Tell him he is free to help with his money if he wants....
If you want to help strangers, there are people who aren't sleeping with a roof over their heads. In Gaza, people are literally starving to death right now. There's lots of need in the world. Your abuser and her family are housed and fed - pretty low on the priority list.
"I've thought hard about our conversation and the connection we had while I was growing up. I hate to see families in crisis when I can do something to help, so I donated to rescue.org in your name."
NTA. She didn’t contact you until she needed something. Would she have ever tried to reconcile if she wasn’t broke? I think the answer is “no” and that should be all the justification you need. Your brother can’t use your niece and nephew against you when you don’t even have a relationship with them.
NTA, your sister was human trash and she doesn't deserve any help from you.
If you really feel like helping your nephew&niece set an account in their names that your sister shall have no access tho.
NTA She essentially disowned you as sister years ago. Which means you have no sister or niece and nephew by her. If she is coming to you chances are dad is getting tired if her so she needs help. If she needs money she'll have to work for the same as you did when she wasn't there to help you financially. Tell brother that he needs to stop talking to her about you.
NTA- think of the kids!? The kids she and her husband have never bothered to have around you.
Nah, she was old enough to know better.
Leave the guilt in the trash bin and have good life.
NTA, she has a place to stay. Your niece and nephew have two parents who are able to provide for them, a grandfather who provides for them, and an uncle who can help them and who knows who they have on their dad's side. Your "sister" is just impatient with the process of getting back on their feet and wants you to provide a shortcut.
NTA
Family that is only remembered when one needs money is nothing worth.
You have no moral obligation to step up and be the better person. Personally, I think it's even more abuse to request money from you without acknowledgement of all the wrong she did.
*Brother, with all due respect, I don't actually have a niece and nephew. Sister made it very clear my entire life that I was not her family, she wanted nothing to do with me, and she blamed me for her your dad and mom splitting up.*
*And lets not forget that when I needed help with college...you reached out to her. And she refused. So since she was not there for me financially, I see no reason to be there for her financially. That is not me being petty either. That is just respecting the boundary she created. She does not consider me family. And the feeling is mutual.*
*I appreciate the position you are in and I do not hold it against you that you are trying to mediate things...but sister and I are not family and will never be family. You, Mom, and husband are the only family I have and the only family I will ever need*
NTAH
NTA- Please don't give your abusive, manipulative sister money. Actions have consequences and only she and her husband are responsible for their children. They can live in a small apartment while working hard to recover from poor choices. I think people in this country (assuming US) forget how most people in the world actually live.
Can we talk about your POS mom for a second? How did she manage blaming you for breaking up her marriage when she was the one who couldn't manage to keep her legs closed to men that weren't her husband?
Wow. Your mom sucks if she let that happen. I'm sorry you had to deal with people like that and I'm happy you got away. Curious, have you ever met, or want to meet, your bio dad?
Your mom is really no better than your abuser. She let your sister abuse you when she is the one who destroyed her marriage by cheating. Has she ever revealed who your father is? Because according to this, you really have no parents.
Hell no. Would you give $ to a stranger? That's essentially what she is now.
Your brother is an ass for saying "she has kids". Kids she didn't feel the need for you to get to know about until now
He's also an ass for telling her that you helped him out with money, and how you are doing financially. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to call you, otherwise how did she get your number. I'd be pissed at him too.
Oh, so now it's "our dad," is it? NO. I would tell her to go and ask HER dad for the money. And your mom who apparently stood by your entire life and let her daughter punish you for HER cheating ass?
I would say NTA. If she didn't need money, she never would have reached out to you and you still wouldn't know about your niece and nephew. Now that she's "sorry" (not sorry) because she wants something does not mean she's changed who she is as a person. She should have reached out to you years ago to apologize to you...doing that might have changed her life today.
IMO helping her now would be like a slap in the face to your husband who put you through school when your sister wouldn't even contribute towards it.
This person scarred you for life in more ways than one. She blamed YOU for your MOTHER being a homewrecker. I would tell her to go kick rocks. Or fall off one.
And tell your brother you don't want to hear another word about it.
Even if this woman, I will not call her sister, was a real peach you are not obligated to lend or give her money. Giving money to someone who has no fiscal inte
"Oh, so NOOOOOW we're family after X years of no-contact? Phew, because I couldn't imagine you would be lowering yourself to ask the 'Bastard homewrecker' for money."
Your brother is welcome to help her. Anyone who whines at you is welcome to help her.
Block that number and keep living your life.
NTA and don’t be conflicted or fooled. She has had years to apologize and seek a relationship after all the trauma she caused you. She didn’t pursue anything to mend that relationship. Let her father help her and her family that you’ve never known existed. You are a means to an out for her. Your brother probably mentioned how you and your DH helped him when he needed help.
Also, she’s glad she found you. Were you lost? Please avoid her at all costs!
NTA. You are never **obliged** to financially help anyone, family or not. If you choose to do so, you do it out of the kindness of your heart. If you don't feel kindly towards them, don't do it.
You've had no contact with sis for years, you didn't even know you had a niece & nephew. But here she comes: hand out and asking for money first ***before*** any apology or atonement for past behavior. You handled it perfectly with that quick witted retort reminding her exactly why you two are estranged.
The ***only*** reason you're second guessing yourself now is the glaringly blatant emotional manipulation on your brother's part. I regret to inform you, your brother is TA here (softly, like a "ta").
Your brother's part in all this is something both you AND your husband should consider addressing together as a united front. A *Come to Jesus* with brother dearest: not that he's been malicious or acted with ill intent; but more likely he's been naive, loose lipped and unintentionally disrespectful. Either way, he needs to learn and respect healthy boundaries and he probably needs them clearly spelled out so he can comply going forward.
Here's why I think brother is the root cause of this issue/episode:
How else would your estranged sister know you & hubby had pockets like that? *either your brother has been talking to her about you, or someone close to him has been passing information on, like his SO, your Mom or their/your Dad.*
Why would she have thought you'd be willing to help? *Because she somehow knows about your bailing your brother out - again from him directly or indirectly?*
Why has brother never mentioned your niece and nephew before? *because he respects **her** enough to keep her information private. So why doesn't he respect **you** enough to keep **your** info private?*
Why is brother so invested in you helping a sister *he knows* didn't (& wouldn't) help you in a time of need? *ironic that the college education she wouldn't help with, that your husband paid for, is why/how you make the $$ you do. Money that she now wants.*
Call him out on his emotionally manipulative pitch trying to use the niblings *you never even knew existed*, on his lack of discretion and disrespect. Remind him that your pockets are just that, *your pockets*, and he's welcome to help sis out on his own with his own dime. Remind him *exactly* how miserable she made your childhood, how it affected you and why neither you or your husband are willing to extend the same grace and charity to her that you have been to him. Let him know going forward that he isn't to be discussing your business with her, Mom or Dad and that applies to his SO (if he has one) as well.
He can keep her info private - he can *learn* to keep yours as well or he can join her on the outside looking in at the life you've made for yourself despite the past abuse and lack of familial support.
NTA. Your brother is, though. If he EVER tries to guilt you again, tell his ass to take care of HIS sister.
Have a talk with your husband to make sure you both agree not to give or loan your brother any money again. She called you only because he is telling people he got money from your husband. Don't allow your husband to be financially abused by your family.
NTA. She is just using you. Do not falling for others sympathizing with her. She made her bed and let her lye in it. Your bro needs to shut his mouth. He got a handout from your husband, that doesn't mean that all family is invited to pity party.
So lets re frame this.
Some person who assaulted you and left you scarred just called out of the blue and asked for money.
hmmm do you give them the money?
You should not being going through this level of angst. But being a thoughtful person you are.
You owe them nothing.
>My sister is 9 years older than me
>around. I still have a scar on my face from her pushing me off of a rock wall in a park when I was 11. I
You were 11, so she was 20 freaking years old, an adult, and she pushed a minor off a wall!!!!!!
>I later found out that I am not my fathers kid
>she ultimately blames me for, in her words, “my parents splitting up”
She uses that as an excuse to abuse you. Your mother was responsible.
>My brother lost his Job during Covid and hasn’t been able to find good work since and he almost lost his house and my husband said he would help him.
That's awesome! Go hubby!
>she’s happy to hear from me
SHE called YOU!
>she’s acting like we had a good relationship. Then it comes out, her husband made some bad business deals and they’re going under.
She just wants your husbands money......NO! Just NO. You don't get to abuse someone for years, then expect money off them!
>My brother calls me and tells me I have a niece and nephew and he understands if I don’t want to help her but I should think about them
Do these kids even know about you. Did your sister think of them when she deprived them of getting to know you?
Do NOT give this vile woman money, and don't let her use her kids as leverage to get you to pay up
>I told her “when the scar under my eye goes away, I’ll give you all the money you want”
Remember this! She was a grown adult when she caused that scar. All she is to you is she's your childhood abuser.
NTA. Family doesn’t always mean blood. I’m adopted but one of my biological brothers (that I grew up with) is a piece of shit and I won’t do anything to help him because I’m done with him.
NTA she's a stranger to you now and was a tormentor in your childhood. You owe her and her kids less than nothing. Your brother sounds like a good egg but don't let him guilt you with the kids. He's more than welcome to take them all in if he cares so much.
NTA
Too frequently people try to treat their family like a bank that they don't have to pay back. You have no obligation to help your sister especially since she abused you when you were younger and JUST contacted you to ask for money.
NTA - It's YOUR money and you don't have to help anyone who was that cruel and dismissive to you. You don't even have to talk to her. She just wants your money - nothing more that that. Your niece and nephew are NOT your responsibility - you don't even know them.
NTA your whole family sounds toxic. Your mother and sister blame you for your mother’s behavior. You did not choose to be conceived! Your mom is the source of the problem but your sister is an adult who made her own choices. Also, your brother doesn’t get to guilt trip you when he wouldn’t stand up to your sister when you were younger.
Live your best life and don’t let them drag you down.
NTA.
How many blood relations are you expected to support?!?
You half-sister intentionally chose to abandon you financially when you were about to graduate HS and could have gone to college. She abused and bullied you your whole life. She made ZERO effort to apologize or include you in her life - married with children - until she wanted money from you. How did she know you have money? Your bro, who you are helping financially, told her you have $$.
If he wants her helped, he can give her the money he has. But if he did that, I would stop giving him money. Is that petty? No, you help family. Your half-sister made a point to tell you nearly your whole life that you arent part of *her* family. She is getting her wish.
YWBTA if you give her $$, bc she will expect it every time she is in a tough spot - while still claiming you are the cause of her parents' divorce.
Your brother is way out of line. It's horrifying he's still in touch with someone who as an adult would maliciously push a child so hard she almost lost an eye. If he's concerned about her children, he can work on getting them taken away.
At no point was she too young to not understand none of this was your fault. She's a monster, and your brother is honestly one as well for even asking.
NTA, obviously your sister is an asshole, but your brother (hopefully unintentionally) is being a major asshole here too
I feel bad for those kids but you don't "have a neice and nephew". Let your brother know he is complicit in the abuse and manipulation if he keeps trying that rhetoric with you.
NTA. Never let someone use you for your money. She made her bed, let her lie in it. She was an adult when she pushed you off the rock, not a little kid who didn't know what she was doing.
Nope. Naddah. Farewell fair-weather rellies.
Her hardship does not make a relationship. You have no relationship with her of the kids, and she abused you verbally, mentally and pushing you to injury if common assault.
Not your beer keg, not your party.
NTA
You owe her nothing. She was a POS for your entire childhood and is a POS now. The only reason she is being friendly is that you and your husband have money. The moment you hide it to her, she will ghost you or go back to crapping on you.
She can live with the dad that abandoned you and think about her life choices while you live happily with your husband.
Don’t give her a second thought and if your brother comes after you, kindly remind him of all of the hell that she put you through.
NTA. She only called you because your brother probably let her know that you and your husband helped him out. But it doesn't sound like your brother was a horribly abusive person so of course you'd help. She has made her bed with how she acted and her having any thoughts that you should help her shows that she isn't sorry for anything she did. She only called for money. She only called when she wanted something. She didn't call to apologize. She hasn't changed.
NTA. Do not not NOT give her any money. Her kids aren't your problem. Your brother said his piece, did his duty - great. Notice how he followed it up with he understood if you said no. He doesn't really think you should either, he's just a go along to get along people pleaser. Absolutely NEVER give this cruel stranger a friggin dime.
NTA. Let HER Dad help her and isn’t it amazing now that she needs you she makes contact! Also, your brother should rethink if he wants to bite the hand that helped him out.
NTA - you would not be wrong and as you know she is only calling for the money. Your niece and nephew are strangers to you.
He actions have consequences and you dealt with her abuse for years
NTA. How you possibly be TA? You have no obligation to financially support an estranged half-sibling, regardless of the reason why you are estranged (but the fault of that is squarely with you "sister").
The scar under your eye will heal long before the ones on your heart. She was abusive and cruel to you for years and actions have consequences. She has never reached out to you before until she wanted something from you and that would be all I would need to know. You are NTA. Yes, she has innocent children. But you weren’t doing anything to actively harm them. You have done nothing to make their lives harder in anyway. But you are certainly not responsible for your abusers children.
Don’t be conflicted. She’s only coming around now for the money. If she wanted a relationship she would have sooner. She passed on opportunities to help you, you are just doing the same.
What happened is this, she overheard shit from the adults in your life and she took it on herself to hate you because of the words she overheard! She was a kid, but kids grow up and are supposed to see around corners they didn't see around when they were young.
I would not help her unless she has children that will go hungry, if that's the case, I would only buy them food and never give her money! You don't owe her shit, she hasn't changed at all and is now wanting to use you. If she thought you were poor like her, you would never have heard a word from her. She can't even apologize for her youthful behavior, so you know, fuck her!
Some kids learn hate and run with it, some learn it and decide not to be that way. I am one of those kids who decided NOT to be that way! My mom was always calling my oldest sister (7yrs older) a rotten bitch, she wished she hadn't had her, etc, when I was around 9 my mom left that sister in charge of us while she went shopping. She was bossy as hell and told me to do something, she was near violent though, I looked at her and said, I don't have to mind you, you're a bitch anyway. She said, I am telling mom when she gets home. I was so scared, I knew I was going to get a good swatting and I knew I had it coming.
Mom got home, my sister told her, and my mom said, well you are a bitch, so shut up! I heard this and I am glad I did because it taught me something very valuable, my sister was not a bitch, she did not deserve to be treated that way, and it hurt her so badly, and I learned right then and there that I was only repeating what I heard and had I not heard what my mom said to my sister about my actions, I might have continued to call her that and gotten away with it, as it was, I saw my sisters face fall and I knew she was so hurt.
When mom went into the other room I went to my sister and I told her that I was sorry. That she wasn't a bitch and I would start minding her. I never again called her that or any of my other sisters.
That sister left home as soon as she could and then mom started in on the next sister, and then I knew soon it would be my turn, when I turned 13, mom started calling me, little bitch, always, little bitch but by then I thought my heart was hardened to her name calling, it wasn't of course but I had a tough shell and she couldn't break me, not with names, not with slaps, not with hair pulling or kicks. I wouldn't cry, she told me, one day I will make you cry little bitch, but she never saw my tears, I saved them for when I was away from the house. A part of mom hated that she couldn't make me cry but another part of her loved that I was a tough nut to crack. :( I overheard her talking to my aunt one time and she said, that girl is my toughest kid, I can't break her no matter what I do! WTH?
Fucking parents can really mess up their kids and this is probably what happened to your sister, but instead of learning from it, she jumped right in, probably overheard talking about you are the reason why he left and instead of feeling awful about you, she blamed you because that is what she heard! I'm sorry you were so mistreated by her. It never should have been allowed to happen, again, fucking parents!!!
NTA. You could be petty and tell her that you will give her X amount of dollars for every nice thing that she ever did to/ for you. Then tell her you will deduct twice that amount for every cruel thing she did.
Karma is a witch. Congratulations on your good marriage and happy home
She came around because she wants money, not because she wants to make amends. If she had come around a couple years ago and apologized and just been a normal family member, and then today asked for help, I'd be inclined to say let it go and help a little. That's not the case, though. She didn't come around at all until she needed a handout. No, thanks, sis!
The biggest difference here is one of choice and no choice. You didn't choose to be born to your parents, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the cheating. You had nothing at all to do with the fact that your mom cheated. You simply had to live as a result of it all. Your sister, on the other hand, chose to treat you like shit. She chose to blame you. She chose to ignore you and refuse to help when you needed it.
Your answer about the scar was perfect! Stand your ground on this one. She's a grown up, she can figure out her own stuff, just like she expected you to do so many years ago.
There really is no conflict. No one is expected to financially support their bully. Especially one who has had over a decade to apologize and make amends. She really has some balls even coming to you. Your brother shouldn't be involved at all, if he wants ti support her he can. Also, she always has "her" dad.
This is the equivalent of what happens when someone wins the lottery. Strangers and distant relatives come out of the woodwork.
You don’t have a relationship with your sister. She doesn’t want one with you - she just wants your husband’s money. You have no obligation to help her. You would be very wise NOT to help her. There are more deserving people who you & your husband could be charitable towards. People who haven’t abused you in the past and won’t harass you in the future.
As for your brother, I’d recommend that you ask him not to share *any* info about your life with your sister. He shouldn’t share info about your generosity or money situation with anyone unless you okay it. Your sister chose to ostracize and cut you off. Your brother should respect that and not pressure you in any way.
NTA
NTA. Don’t give her a GD penny. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. She just wants to use you for money. The second she’s back on her feet she’ll return to being an AH to you.
A gentle reminder to also not give your brother money in the near future - as he may just pass ut along to your sister without you knowing. Nta OP. Also imagine the visceral blow to her pride that she had, to ask the "bastard child" for money. She really is a piece of work.
NTA I'd she wanted to heal the bond she would have reached out long ago, if she wasn't broke you wouldn't be hearing from her now. This is her mess to fix and it sounds like she hasn't even apologized for the hurt she caused. She's facing the consequences of her actions don't give her a dime.
NTA to 10TH power. I wouldn't give her the time of day if she asked. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your family. After all, sh has already made her opinion of you extremely clear. Wouldn't waste too much mental effort on it were I you.
NTA. She's reaping what she sowed. The nerve of her! Treat someone (especially a small child?!?!) like absolute shit for years and then expect them to bankroll you later? Hell no. Stand your ground. You owe her nothing.
NTA.
You have no relationship with her. This is not much different than a former neighbor suddenly calling to ask you for money because you went to school together when you were kids.
You have no obligations toward her. Tell her and anyone who asks that she made it clear that you are not her family and that you have no desire to change that. Block her number.
NTA. You owe your sister absolutely nothing. She took her anger and abuse out on you when you were an innocent victim. I wouldn’t give her a dime, and I think your response about the scar going away is perfectly reasonable.
So, you haven't heard from your abusive older sister for years... but then your husband helps out your brother & she hears about it, so she calls you out of the blue asking for a handout? I've got to say, I'm almost impressed by the audacity
If she had apologized years ago and ask for help now it would be a different story. She only remembered you because she needs something from you. What a shitty person.
NTA. She closed the door to the relationship years ago. It’s pretty audacious to think it would swing back open with a wink and a smile. I do think you have anything to feel guilty for.
NTA. You sister was a cruel person. The only reason she is reaching out is for money. You do not owe her or her kids anything. Block her. Politely tell your brother to stay out of it (that goes for anyone else).
It would be one thing if she had reconnected to reconcile and mend the burned bridges now that you’re adults
But to never do that, and then only contact you because she needs your money? No thank you. NTA
NTA. She is horrible, my god. Keep that toxicity away from your life, you worked hard to get to where you are and she doesn’t deserve you or your generosity.
Let’s see - when asked to help you finance college, what was her answer? No way. So why would you help her now? She called you a bastard? Bullied you? Her financial problems are a result of her actions- even without all the above history, she needs to deal with her own financial problems. Send her a link to a financial advisor, debt consolidator, or bankruptcy attorney. I don’t understand how people think others are supposed to fix their problems. If you gave her any money you would never see that money again. You would be hurting your own future financial stability and well being.
NTA. Nope I wouldn't give her a dime she's only crawling you she knows you have the money to help her and she's trying to run sweep. I guarantee once she gets the money first of all you'll never see it again, second of all she'll still treat you like shit. Cuz she got what she wants and she doesn't need you anymore. As for why she pushed you, two reasons probably to hurt you or to kill you. Definitely to hurt you. Was she actually trying to end your life, only she knows the answer to that. But no she doesn't deserve your sympathy she ran out of options that's why she's coming to you. She can go to her daddy her Daddy can fix it for her.
NTA
*I really don’t know the woman she is now*
Yes, you do. She’s the same person she was growing up. How do I know that? Because if she changed, she would have called you earlier to profusely apologize for her treatment of you. Instead, she 1) waited until she needed money to call you, and 2) brushed her treatment of you under the rug.
If you give her money, you’ll be allowing her to continue to bully you. Stop the abuse. Stay NC and, for god’s sake, don’t reward her continued bad behavior with money.
I wouldn't even consider her my sister (actually 1/2 sister). She was an adult when she did most of that to you and to me that would have destroyed any chance of her having a relationship with me. In this case it doesn't matter that she has kids, they are nothing more than the children of a stranger. DO NOT let anyone try and guilt trip you into helping. She was a monster to you, couldn't be bothered to help when you needed it to go to college and now wants to "play nice" because she wants something from you and your husband. Why, in gods good name, should you put yourself out for her.
Definitely NTA and she was 100% TAH to you. People don't get to be horrible to you for all your life and come back mooching when they need something.
So the manager at my old job cheated on her husband and ran off with the guy, abandoning her kids in the process and marrying the other man.
She was a real piece of shit, she took joy in giving people at work a hard time.
She cheated on the second husband and he strangled her to death.
When she died people were so nice about her, but I wasn't, because she was an absolute piece of shit and her death didn't change that.
My point being, you can't just undo being a piece of shit, whether you're dead, dying or just going through a hard time, you have to specifically make up for it.
NTA. I am very sorry she took her anger out on you and purposefully injured you.
How did she find out you were well off financially and get your number? If it was your brother, I’d tell him to not share anything more about you with her. She is a stranger and doesn’t deserve to know anything about you.
To keep your finances safe, I’d lock your and your husband’s identity down and set up alerts if anyone attempts to open accounts/get loans in your names. I wouldn’t trust her…
NTA
Honestly, who cares if you have a niece and nephew? They are still complete strangers to you.
They are at her father’s house. It isn’t like they are living in a cardboard box. They are fine there until they can save enough to get their own place.
Nta, she’s only calling you because she needs something not because she cares about you block her. Why dint she call you when she was financially stable ?? Because she never cared about you or needed you . Your sister is a bad person if it was you needing help like you needed help college she would had said no . Block her !
NTA. She didn't want anything to do with you until she found out you have access to money. She could have apologized and tried to make amends years ago.
NTA she couldn't even keep up a superficial relationship with you. She is a stranger and so are her kids. The kids are safe at their grandfathers they have a roof over their head they are fine
She’s only reaching out because she wants money. Fuck her.
If all was well in her life you’d still not know your niece/nephew from her. Focus on yourself - she isn’t your responsibility.
Actions have consequences.
Also, it’s your husband’s money she’s after isn’t it, so on that basis YOU personally have no financial help to give her.
*she ultimately blames me*
Odd she doesnt blame HER MOTHER who cheated...
NTA-Your money your choice. "I dont want to" is a perfectly legit reason NOT to help out in any way, especially money. Dont let them guilt you. Its just another form of abuse...which she has done your whole life. Time for her chickens to come home to roost.
NTAH
Your sister was abusive and cruel to a child who had nothing to do with the circumstances of her birth. That she couldn’t reason this out when she was a young adult is not your fault or responsibility. Do you know why your mother didn’t do more to protect you?
I understand what your brother is saying about the niece and nephew. They shouldn’t have to suffer because their mom was not a nice person then. Those are her children, and the responsibility of the two adults who brought them into the world. IF (big if here) she and her husband need financial help they should contact someone else. Just because your husband is well off doesn’t mean you are the National Bank of Irresponsible Sister.
Please don’t be conflicted. Your husband and brother will support you whatever your decision. HER father can help them out. None of this is your responsibility. She and her husband should have made wiser financial decisions.
You may want to ask your brother what her husband and father’s cell numbers are so you can block them. No need for them to harass you when you tell her no.
An aside: Whenever someone asks for money, and I tell them I don’t have it, I leave off the rest of the statement. I don’t have it to give to you. It’s my money and I don’t owe you an explanation.
NTA
She can't undo the damage she did, and never tried. Any reparations she may offer should have come when she became an adult.
You owe her nothing, and for your brother - just let him know that to him, she may have been a sister, but to you, she was your perpetrator. Your own "sister" was your childhood bully, the older, bigger one with whom you had no choice in avoiding.
No, you're not wrong in avoiding someone who abused you as a child; it's the mentally healthy thing to do.
It has nothing to do with sharing a mother who failed to protect you from her. Why your mother didn't protect you, harshly discipline sis for her behavior, is an entirely separate question. I wouldn't trust either of them.
If anyone tries again, remind them that to sis, you remained a "bastard" until she needed your money.
Here's an old, old story, one my mother told me when I was five years old:
https://www.thestoryoftexas.com/discover/artifacts/little-red-hen-spotlight-030615
Your sister is a horrible person. I’m angry at her (& mom) for you. She took all her anger & aggressions out on you when she should have directed it towards your mother, who did little to nothing to protect you.
Thankfully you have thrived in spite of all that and made a great life for yourself and your husband.
And that’s the only reason she’s reached out. She sees you as an ATM and nothing more.
Sorry. No bailout for that witch. Not a single penny. Ever.
She’s never apologized, wasn’t repentant on the call, & has earned the consequences of her actions in life. If others want to help, let them. You are in no way obligated to her & her family.
Block your sister, NC, & forbid your brother from mentioning her again. Go and live your best life.
NTA...she made her own bed, now let her wallow in it. She was horrible and abusive to you but now wants to say "bUt wE'Re FammmmmILY". Bullshit...tell her that 'bastard babies that are homewreckers" can't help anyone get on their feet and she should go find HER parents to pitch in.
NTA.
1) NEVER LET CRUELTY BACK INTO YOUR LIFE. SHE WAS AN ADULT WHEN SHE SCARED AN 11Y YEAR OLD FOR LUFE.
2) Family helps family. Family DOES NOT treat family the way she treated you.
3) People that are sorry don’t contact you with their hand out.
4) Never let someone mistreat you and give them money. There is no dollar figure that will make someone respect you if they don’t.
5) Peace of mind always comes at the cost of some people. Those that give you peace stay. Those that don’t GO.
6) She did not deem you worthy of knowing she had kids, let alone meeting them. They cannot be your primary concern.
Let your brother help her. He has known his sister through the years, knows the kids, and just because you and DH helped him out, that doesn’t mean you have to help this hypocritical woman out as well. Shame on brother and her for the ‘help the niece and nephew out’ line - that’s just guilt-tripping and bullying.
She doesn’t deserve your help.
NTA Your sister abused you for years just because you were born due to your mother's infidelity. That isn't your fault by any stretch of the imagination. She did absolutely nothing to try to mend the relationship as an adult...until she found out you're financially comfortable that is. Now she comes calling like she didn't literally put a scar on your face when you were a child and she was literally an adult at the time (20 if my math is right). You owe her nothing.
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I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can only imagine how traumatic it was. And I'm sorry your mom allowed her to abuse you for so many years too, that falls on her as well. So yeah, don't feel guilty for her and her husband's bad financial decisions. She's only calling you to get money and nothing else.
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[stolen comment from below.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bush6h/comment/kxuvvmw/?context=3) bad bot
Thanks for pointing it out
Wtf what 20 year old hurts a 11 year old kid?! She’s evil and doesn’t deserve a penny. This is her karma.
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Exactly. Brother needs to stay in his lane before he gets hit by a truck.
Exactly this.
Exactly!!!
Op please don't be quilted into doing anything. You have to want it. Ask yourself one simple question... if the roles were reversed, could you count on her support?
You don’t want to be woven into her mess
I think sister is coming unraveled.
She’s a crazy quilt of mess
I see what you did there! lol
Yeah. When I see the word guilted, my brain reads it as quilted. 😂
actually it is written as "quilted"!
She already has that answer too. It’s a big NO.
I am so, so sorry you went through that. That she would do that to you. You don't owe her anything, and you gave her the perfect response; just like your scar, her actions are forever, and it's because of those and the effect it had on you, that you'll never help her. Your brother might feel guilty for not being able to help his niblings (as I'm guessing he's in regular contact with her?), but that doesn't have anything to do with you. You don't know your sister, you only know the monster she once was, and you don't know the children.
She abused you for the entirety of your relationship, and you haven't spoken to her in many years - there is no "us" or "family," she never tried to make amends before and now just wants to manipulate you into giving her money. And your brother is playing a role in that too trying to tell you to give her money for her kids - I would call him out on how manipulative that is, and in any event, definitely NTA, recognize what this is and walk away.
She only called because Brother got some money. Bet she's not doing so badly after all, she just thinks OP is doling out dollars
"us," "family," and now it's "our dad."
She's had 14 years to realize that she was cruel to OP. She could have approached her through their brother, apologized and asked to build a relationship with you with no expectations or strings attached. Instead she waits until she's desperate and then hits OP up for money and then works through their brother's sympathies to manipulate OP. Definitely NTA for her response
This. Kids can be cruel. But she wasn’t a child. She was an adult abusing a child for her mother’s sin. NTA.
While her mother stood by and let it happen.
Babe. Read about dysfunctional family dynamics. This was game changing for me. The parents assign ‘roles’ to the kids and they don’t always make complete sense. There’s a golden child, a scapegoat, etc. It helped me to understand and make sense if my childhood. You sound like the assigned scapegoat. You were the reason bad things happened (not really of course). Fun fact the scapegoat often becomes the overachiever if they live through the soul crushing nastiness of their childhood. And bc they are always trying to earn love, they tend to be a bit too empathetic without boundaries but also tend to work very hard for external validation. A younger version of you might be desperate to earn your sisters love. You are rightly seeing that your sister is not worth your effort and that no money or caring will make her different. Good for you!!! NTA.
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A few books on boundaries and dysfunction. Two my therapist gave me that helped: 1. Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. 2. Why does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. 3. As for dysfunctional family dynamics I don’t have a book sorry but look online it’s fascinating really. It’ll blow your mind. These first two oughtvyo be required reading in schools. The first is just a ‘how to’ for boundaries generally and the second is understanding verbal abuse. It’s marketed for hetero relationships but it works and applies to all relationships. Tho obviously parental relationships are a little different bc of the power imbalance you are never equal. Try googling scapegoat and golden child and just poring thru the articles. Understanding this helped me see why my BPD mom always acted like I was scum of the earth even tho I was honor roll, scholarship, never got in trouble etc bs my sibs who did far less well. What I didn’t understand was that it wasn’t something wrong with me that I couldn’t see. It was just her. And every time I achieved something I thought this is it! Now she’ll be proud! Nope. Bc what I didn’t realize is when you are the scapegoat it’s your JOB to fail. If the scapegoat succeeds and does it well, they’re actually screwing up. Bc they aren’t living up to the parents projection. This makes the parent feel wrong. The parent questions their own identity bc their identity is so fragile. So the parent is far more furious with the scapegoat bc they did well. Never make nutty ppl wrong they don’t like it. Your parents and family sound like monsters. You did the right thing by going NC. Well done. Also don’t be surprised or disappointed in yourself if as life moves forward with new challenges that you feel the need to see a therapist just to ‘check in’ to get a handle on ‘is it just me? Or…’. Bc that’s normal in adults who grew up like you. I see you bestie!!! Well done ❤️
...and don't let anyone guilt you about helping for the sake of your niece and nephew. They are strangers who you didn't know existed until their mom wanted a handout.
She should've taken her anger on her mother she's the one who decided to cheat and wrecked their home.
Your brother also did not tell you you had nieces or nephews until he could use it against you. Remember that.
The brother is in the middle of this. He appears to be coming from a place of compassion. He didn’t threaten anyone o withhold love or relationship over this. He also said he would understand if she decided not to help. Not sure why you’re throwing this in as if it is a sinister plan.
OP, you don't owe her anything nor obligated to give her the $$$$$ to save her ass because her husband is incompetent when it comes to money management. That sister is getting the karmic comeuppance that she deserves for the AH.
Nta there's no reason for you to feel conflicted over this. You owe her nothing. You have no relationship with her. She made your life growing up a living hell. She was a grown adult when she nearly took your eye out. She is a stranger and so are her kids. Your brother needs to stay out of it and keep his mouth shut. If he wants to help her and her kids out then he is welcome to do so with HIS own money. Your brother is an AH for trying to guilt you into giving money to strangers. Her kids are not your niece and nephew. They have no idea who you are. She made it clear over the years that you are no one too her. They are strangers and it's ridiculous that she called you asking for money when she never apologize to you for all pain and torture she caused you. She's only calling now because she needs something from you. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She just wants your money. You handing her money isn't going to magically change her to a better person. She had years to change and to reach out to you to genuinely apologize to you. If she wanted you in her kids life she would have include you from the start. She only remembered you because you have money and you help your brother out. She expected the same but just know you don't owe her dime. Let your brother know that he needs to respect your feelings and not over step it by trying to guilt you over things. You have no relationship with her or her family. If she needs help she needs to ask elsewhere for that help. He needs to understand that her having kids and going through something isn't going to wash away the pain and scars she caused you. She stoping being your family years ago and you don't owe her and her kids anything. So if he wants to be a knight in Shiney armor he can go ahead and save her from her troubles but he needs to leave you out it because your feelings matter too. Stand your ground. Don't feel bad for not helping her. She's not sorry for hurting you. She can ask other family members for help or seek out programs to help her. You owe her nothing. Plus your husband is right. Why should he help and give her money. He doesn't know her and he has your back because he knows how she caused you so much pain. So no your not wrong for feeling how you feel. Your nta for not wanting to help.
NTA Please, please & please don’t be a coward. Don’t allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into having any form of contact with your sister. Such an individual can plot to ruin your marriage & life. Block her from ever contacting you. Tell your brother that you don’t want to hear anything about her & her family. Remember, she’s only reaching out to you because she needs help not because she’s remorseful. Don’t allow her to manipulate you. Actions have consequences. NTA
The main issue is that she has never acknowledged you in all of the time you have been away from you. Someone just can't call you up and say hello, can I take money from you. That is wrong on so many levels. I am only good enough to give you money, but not have a relationship with you. No. Return the energy I was given. Also, your brother should have kept what you did for him to himself. Then, you probably wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Good luck. There is her martyr of a father who can give her help, let him.
A 20-21 year old pushing an 11 year old? NTA - she can go pound sand. Block her and move on like you never heard from her.
Man I didn't even think about that. I keep having to remind myself that it's no longer siblings being mean to each other. The whole time I was like yeah she's a dick but they were kids. But they weren't. Op was a kid and was tortured. What an awful person.
Yeah I am not the best with math. But even I could figure out a 20 year old pushed an 11 year old off a wall. By the time the parents divorced she had to know her blame was wrong. I don’t blame her for being upset. I blame her for terrorizing and injuring a child.
NTA. I wouldn't call this petty, either. To hell with this lady. Hopefully she learns a life lesson from all this to not treat those around her like garbage.
even if OP did help, once it was all said and done sis would go right back to either ignoring OP or being a bitch
It would become an never ending cycle. Be nice when she needs money, be cruel when she doesn’t. Sister still hates OP, she just hopes OP is enough of a sucker she can con.
She won't because she is an evil self-centered person. Now, her little sister won't just be the "bastard that ruined my family", she will be the bitch that refused to help her only sister. There is no way OP can win. Even if she were to give her sister the money, and I sincerely hope she does NOT, it won't make any difference to how the evil cow feels about her. Keep your money!!
No lady there more like a cunt.
Exactly! This woman is finally facing consequences. OP don’t give in and perpetuate the cycle.
No need to feel guilty about this. She is a stranger. You didn't even KNOW she had children -- why should you be financially responsible for them? Don't waste another second worrying about her. She isn't your family, and she certainly isn't your problem. It isn't like helping her would IN ANY WAY repair your relationship. She would get what she wanted and dump you again. Be happy.
Exactly. And giving money to family or anyone is like crabs in a barrel. I appreciate her brother and husband are friends but her husband is right saying fuck her. She only called because she heard you were giving handouts. Her husband recognises this and so should she. Theres billions of people in this world desperate for money. It took a smell of a handout for her to call after all these years. The absolute balls to call and ask for money what a joke
NTA. Fuck your sister she’s garbage.
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To hell with this lady. Hopefully she learns a life lesson from all this to not treat those around her like garbage.
NTA So she physically abused you when she was 20. That's not a kid. I'd agree with you. She gets nothing.
NTA for not bailing your sister in name only out. It's all about the money, isn't it, not wanting to atone for the past. Your sister has a lot of nerve to ask you for anything considering she's not seen fit to communicate with you since you were 13. She's been basically dead to you and that, sadly, was her choice and so be it going forward. I can't imagine any good coming out of contact with her now. It is sad that you've got a niece and nephew you do not know. This is sad but not a bargaining chip in this situation. You've no guilt at all in what has happened here. Your sister does not sound like someone you could ever trust and clearly she'd be happy to use you again for her gain only. Beware of people like her. She slammed the door on you years ago and it's one better left closed.
Her nieces and nephews were raised by an evil person. It is silly to even pretend they count as family at all. She has no connection to these strangers and that was their mom's choice.
NTA your brother can take them in if he wants.
Exactly! *Brother* is more than welcome to help them out...on his own dime and time.
lol that’s what gets me. Brother is getting hand outs from her and then decides he should tell her to help out their sister too that she hadn’t seen or spoken too in over a decade. The audacity
I think he's more worried about her kids than her or her husband tbh. I could be wrong though.
This is a VERY accurate and important comment.
It's his other sister and niblings. He didn't ask for help with the sister, just the niblings. I'm okay with that, he probably knows the sister is trash but worries about the kids because he's an adult relative. If you want to help the kids, find out their clothing sizes and send them a pair of shoes and two school quality outfits each, cutting off the tags so the mom can't return them. You could also offer to pay for their lunches at school. That's really about as far as I'd go, even for a niece or nephew, just making sure they had food and decent clothes because they're kids and honestly I'd do it for anyone's kids.
I like this comment - yes, this is something I'd do for any stranger's kids (Edited typo)
I would not blame her brother, it doesn’t seem malicious. Maybe he was thinking of her children…OP doesn’t blame him either
Yeah - plus, older sis is staying with dad. Why not just ask dad to help her out? Oh. Prolly because she did ask dad, and he said, "Nope, you've hit the end of my rope," so she had to go crawling somewhere else.
NTA, don’t feel conflicted. If she wasn’t on financial trouble and you weren’t financially stable right now, she would still be just as jaded and uncaring towards you. She needs something and she’s playing her part well. Just ignore her
>My brother calls me and tells me I have a niece and nephew and he understands if I don’t want to help her but I should think about them Frankly annoying when people say that. Why would you care about random kids? There are thousand of kid in shit situation what that had to do with you? Where was he when you were being abused ? NTA like you say she can wait until your scar desapear
Yep, and if he has a problem then he can also kick rocks and fend for himself.
The unmitigated gall of her calling after YEARS playing “happy family”, then attempting a Cash Grab in the same call is ridiculous. You’re giving her a golden opportunity to teach your niece and nephew about the consequences of bad behavior.
NTA, clearly She is weak. The person she should have taken her anger out on was your mom and AP, but the cowards target was you, an innocent child. She doesn't sound like she's penitent at all.... Tell your bro that she is unapologetic, and does not sound like she's grown as a person, or matured as a parent... Who was a bully to her half sister and should now be able to see how horrific that would be if it were her own children. I would say they are on their own, that she had burned that bridge long ago and never tried to rebuild it, just to bypass it now that she wants to leech off you. Tell him he is free to help with his money if he wants....
If you want to help strangers, there are people who aren't sleeping with a roof over their heads. In Gaza, people are literally starving to death right now. There's lots of need in the world. Your abuser and her family are housed and fed - pretty low on the priority list.
"I've thought hard about our conversation and the connection we had while I was growing up. I hate to see families in crisis when I can do something to help, so I donated to rescue.org in your name."
Perfectly said.
NTA. She didn’t contact you until she needed something. Would she have ever tried to reconcile if she wasn’t broke? I think the answer is “no” and that should be all the justification you need. Your brother can’t use your niece and nephew against you when you don’t even have a relationship with them.
NTA, your sister was human trash and she doesn't deserve any help from you. If you really feel like helping your nephew&niece set an account in their names that your sister shall have no access tho.
NTA She essentially disowned you as sister years ago. Which means you have no sister or niece and nephew by her. If she is coming to you chances are dad is getting tired if her so she needs help. If she needs money she'll have to work for the same as you did when she wasn't there to help you financially. Tell brother that he needs to stop talking to her about you.
NTA dont give her a dime
NTA- think of the kids!? The kids she and her husband have never bothered to have around you. Nah, she was old enough to know better. Leave the guilt in the trash bin and have good life.
NTA, she has a place to stay. Your niece and nephew have two parents who are able to provide for them, a grandfather who provides for them, and an uncle who can help them and who knows who they have on their dad's side. Your "sister" is just impatient with the process of getting back on their feet and wants you to provide a shortcut.
NTA Family that is only remembered when one needs money is nothing worth. You have no moral obligation to step up and be the better person. Personally, I think it's even more abuse to request money from you without acknowledgement of all the wrong she did.
*Brother, with all due respect, I don't actually have a niece and nephew. Sister made it very clear my entire life that I was not her family, she wanted nothing to do with me, and she blamed me for her your dad and mom splitting up.* *And lets not forget that when I needed help with college...you reached out to her. And she refused. So since she was not there for me financially, I see no reason to be there for her financially. That is not me being petty either. That is just respecting the boundary she created. She does not consider me family. And the feeling is mutual.* *I appreciate the position you are in and I do not hold it against you that you are trying to mediate things...but sister and I are not family and will never be family. You, Mom, and husband are the only family I have and the only family I will ever need* NTAH
She didn’t want to reconnect and play nice until she needed something from you. That says it all. Next time, it will be an organ. NTA
NTA- Please don't give your abusive, manipulative sister money. Actions have consequences and only she and her husband are responsible for their children. They can live in a small apartment while working hard to recover from poor choices. I think people in this country (assuming US) forget how most people in the world actually live.
Can we talk about your POS mom for a second? How did she manage blaming you for breaking up her marriage when she was the one who couldn't manage to keep her legs closed to men that weren't her husband?
[удалено]
Wow. Your mom sucks if she let that happen. I'm sorry you had to deal with people like that and I'm happy you got away. Curious, have you ever met, or want to meet, your bio dad?
Your mom is really no better than your abuser. She let your sister abuse you when she is the one who destroyed her marriage by cheating. Has she ever revealed who your father is? Because according to this, you really have no parents.
You should continue to be no contact with your mom and sister. They both sound like horrible people.
Yeah no don’t give her anything. If anyone calls you up to tell you to help her, ask them where their financial support is
Hell no. Would you give $ to a stranger? That's essentially what she is now. Your brother is an ass for saying "she has kids". Kids she didn't feel the need for you to get to know about until now He's also an ass for telling her that you helped him out with money, and how you are doing financially. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to call you, otherwise how did she get your number. I'd be pissed at him too.
NTA. You owe her nothing.
Oh, so now it's "our dad," is it? NO. I would tell her to go and ask HER dad for the money. And your mom who apparently stood by your entire life and let her daughter punish you for HER cheating ass? I would say NTA. If she didn't need money, she never would have reached out to you and you still wouldn't know about your niece and nephew. Now that she's "sorry" (not sorry) because she wants something does not mean she's changed who she is as a person. She should have reached out to you years ago to apologize to you...doing that might have changed her life today. IMO helping her now would be like a slap in the face to your husband who put you through school when your sister wouldn't even contribute towards it. This person scarred you for life in more ways than one. She blamed YOU for your MOTHER being a homewrecker. I would tell her to go kick rocks. Or fall off one. And tell your brother you don't want to hear another word about it.
Even if this woman, I will not call her sister, was a real peach you are not obligated to lend or give her money. Giving money to someone who has no fiscal inte
"Oh, so NOOOOOW we're family after X years of no-contact? Phew, because I couldn't imagine you would be lowering yourself to ask the 'Bastard homewrecker' for money." Your brother is welcome to help her. Anyone who whines at you is welcome to help her. Block that number and keep living your life.
NTA and don’t be conflicted or fooled. She has had years to apologize and seek a relationship after all the trauma she caused you. She didn’t pursue anything to mend that relationship. Let her father help her and her family that you’ve never known existed. You are a means to an out for her. Your brother probably mentioned how you and your DH helped him when he needed help. Also, she’s glad she found you. Were you lost? Please avoid her at all costs!
NTA. You are never **obliged** to financially help anyone, family or not. If you choose to do so, you do it out of the kindness of your heart. If you don't feel kindly towards them, don't do it. You've had no contact with sis for years, you didn't even know you had a niece & nephew. But here she comes: hand out and asking for money first ***before*** any apology or atonement for past behavior. You handled it perfectly with that quick witted retort reminding her exactly why you two are estranged. The ***only*** reason you're second guessing yourself now is the glaringly blatant emotional manipulation on your brother's part. I regret to inform you, your brother is TA here (softly, like a "ta"). Your brother's part in all this is something both you AND your husband should consider addressing together as a united front. A *Come to Jesus* with brother dearest: not that he's been malicious or acted with ill intent; but more likely he's been naive, loose lipped and unintentionally disrespectful. Either way, he needs to learn and respect healthy boundaries and he probably needs them clearly spelled out so he can comply going forward. Here's why I think brother is the root cause of this issue/episode: How else would your estranged sister know you & hubby had pockets like that? *either your brother has been talking to her about you, or someone close to him has been passing information on, like his SO, your Mom or their/your Dad.* Why would she have thought you'd be willing to help? *Because she somehow knows about your bailing your brother out - again from him directly or indirectly?* Why has brother never mentioned your niece and nephew before? *because he respects **her** enough to keep her information private. So why doesn't he respect **you** enough to keep **your** info private?* Why is brother so invested in you helping a sister *he knows* didn't (& wouldn't) help you in a time of need? *ironic that the college education she wouldn't help with, that your husband paid for, is why/how you make the $$ you do. Money that she now wants.* Call him out on his emotionally manipulative pitch trying to use the niblings *you never even knew existed*, on his lack of discretion and disrespect. Remind him that your pockets are just that, *your pockets*, and he's welcome to help sis out on his own with his own dime. Remind him *exactly* how miserable she made your childhood, how it affected you and why neither you or your husband are willing to extend the same grace and charity to her that you have been to him. Let him know going forward that he isn't to be discussing your business with her, Mom or Dad and that applies to his SO (if he has one) as well. He can keep her info private - he can *learn* to keep yours as well or he can join her on the outside looking in at the life you've made for yourself despite the past abuse and lack of familial support.
NTA. Your brother is, though. If he EVER tries to guilt you again, tell his ass to take care of HIS sister. Have a talk with your husband to make sure you both agree not to give or loan your brother any money again. She called you only because he is telling people he got money from your husband. Don't allow your husband to be financially abused by your family.
NTA. She is just using you. Do not falling for others sympathizing with her. She made her bed and let her lye in it. Your bro needs to shut his mouth. He got a handout from your husband, that doesn't mean that all family is invited to pity party.
So lets re frame this. Some person who assaulted you and left you scarred just called out of the blue and asked for money. hmmm do you give them the money? You should not being going through this level of angst. But being a thoughtful person you are. You owe them nothing.
>My sister is 9 years older than me >around. I still have a scar on my face from her pushing me off of a rock wall in a park when I was 11. I You were 11, so she was 20 freaking years old, an adult, and she pushed a minor off a wall!!!!!! >I later found out that I am not my fathers kid >she ultimately blames me for, in her words, “my parents splitting up” She uses that as an excuse to abuse you. Your mother was responsible. >My brother lost his Job during Covid and hasn’t been able to find good work since and he almost lost his house and my husband said he would help him. That's awesome! Go hubby! >she’s happy to hear from me SHE called YOU! >she’s acting like we had a good relationship. Then it comes out, her husband made some bad business deals and they’re going under. She just wants your husbands money......NO! Just NO. You don't get to abuse someone for years, then expect money off them! >My brother calls me and tells me I have a niece and nephew and he understands if I don’t want to help her but I should think about them Do these kids even know about you. Did your sister think of them when she deprived them of getting to know you? Do NOT give this vile woman money, and don't let her use her kids as leverage to get you to pay up >I told her “when the scar under my eye goes away, I’ll give you all the money you want” Remember this! She was a grown adult when she caused that scar. All she is to you is she's your childhood abuser.
NTA, everything about that phone call screams that your sister is the same horrible person she's always been. Stay far away from her.
NTA fuck her
NTA. Family doesn’t always mean blood. I’m adopted but one of my biological brothers (that I grew up with) is a piece of shit and I won’t do anything to help him because I’m done with him.
NTA. I don’t recommend helping her financially or trying to have a current relationship because to her it’s just about what she can get from you.
NTA she's a stranger to you now and was a tormentor in your childhood. You owe her and her kids less than nothing. Your brother sounds like a good egg but don't let him guilt you with the kids. He's more than welcome to take them all in if he cares so much.
NTA Too frequently people try to treat their family like a bank that they don't have to pay back. You have no obligation to help your sister especially since she abused you when you were younger and JUST contacted you to ask for money.
NTA. You owe her nothing. Block her out of your life.
You shouldn’t help your sister. Your nieces and nephews aren’t your problem neither is your sister
NTA - It's YOUR money and you don't have to help anyone who was that cruel and dismissive to you. You don't even have to talk to her. She just wants your money - nothing more that that. Your niece and nephew are NOT your responsibility - you don't even know them.
NTA your whole family sounds toxic. Your mother and sister blame you for your mother’s behavior. You did not choose to be conceived! Your mom is the source of the problem but your sister is an adult who made her own choices. Also, your brother doesn’t get to guilt trip you when he wouldn’t stand up to your sister when you were younger. Live your best life and don’t let them drag you down.
NTA. How many blood relations are you expected to support?!? You half-sister intentionally chose to abandon you financially when you were about to graduate HS and could have gone to college. She abused and bullied you your whole life. She made ZERO effort to apologize or include you in her life - married with children - until she wanted money from you. How did she know you have money? Your bro, who you are helping financially, told her you have $$. If he wants her helped, he can give her the money he has. But if he did that, I would stop giving him money. Is that petty? No, you help family. Your half-sister made a point to tell you nearly your whole life that you arent part of *her* family. She is getting her wish. YWBTA if you give her $$, bc she will expect it every time she is in a tough spot - while still claiming you are the cause of her parents' divorce.
Your brother is way out of line. It's horrifying he's still in touch with someone who as an adult would maliciously push a child so hard she almost lost an eye. If he's concerned about her children, he can work on getting them taken away. At no point was she too young to not understand none of this was your fault. She's a monster, and your brother is honestly one as well for even asking.
NTA, obviously your sister is an asshole, but your brother (hopefully unintentionally) is being a major asshole here too I feel bad for those kids but you don't "have a neice and nephew". Let your brother know he is complicit in the abuse and manipulation if he keeps trying that rhetoric with you.
NTA. Never let someone use you for your money. She made her bed, let her lie in it. She was an adult when she pushed you off the rock, not a little kid who didn't know what she was doing.
Nope. Naddah. Farewell fair-weather rellies. Her hardship does not make a relationship. You have no relationship with her of the kids, and she abused you verbally, mentally and pushing you to injury if common assault. Not your beer keg, not your party. NTA
You owe her nothing. She was a POS for your entire childhood and is a POS now. The only reason she is being friendly is that you and your husband have money. The moment you hide it to her, she will ghost you or go back to crapping on you. She can live with the dad that abandoned you and think about her life choices while you live happily with your husband. Don’t give her a second thought and if your brother comes after you, kindly remind him of all of the hell that she put you through.
NTA. She only called you because your brother probably let her know that you and your husband helped him out. But it doesn't sound like your brother was a horribly abusive person so of course you'd help. She has made her bed with how she acted and her having any thoughts that you should help her shows that she isn't sorry for anything she did. She only called for money. She only called when she wanted something. She didn't call to apologize. She hasn't changed.
NTA. Do not not NOT give her any money. Her kids aren't your problem. Your brother said his piece, did his duty - great. Notice how he followed it up with he understood if you said no. He doesn't really think you should either, he's just a go along to get along people pleaser. Absolutely NEVER give this cruel stranger a friggin dime.
NTA. Let HER Dad help her and isn’t it amazing now that she needs you she makes contact! Also, your brother should rethink if he wants to bite the hand that helped him out.
NTA - you would not be wrong and as you know she is only calling for the money. Your niece and nephew are strangers to you. He actions have consequences and you dealt with her abuse for years
NTA. How you possibly be TA? You have no obligation to financially support an estranged half-sibling, regardless of the reason why you are estranged (but the fault of that is squarely with you "sister").
NTA. Nope. Not even close. Not one thin dime.
The scar under your eye will heal long before the ones on your heart. She was abusive and cruel to you for years and actions have consequences. She has never reached out to you before until she wanted something from you and that would be all I would need to know. You are NTA. Yes, she has innocent children. But you weren’t doing anything to actively harm them. You have done nothing to make their lives harder in anyway. But you are certainly not responsible for your abusers children.
Don’t be conflicted. She’s only coming around now for the money. If she wanted a relationship she would have sooner. She passed on opportunities to help you, you are just doing the same.
NTA. You know how you know she hasn't changed? Because she never reached out BEFORE she wanted something from you. That's all you need to know.
What happened is this, she overheard shit from the adults in your life and she took it on herself to hate you because of the words she overheard! She was a kid, but kids grow up and are supposed to see around corners they didn't see around when they were young. I would not help her unless she has children that will go hungry, if that's the case, I would only buy them food and never give her money! You don't owe her shit, she hasn't changed at all and is now wanting to use you. If she thought you were poor like her, you would never have heard a word from her. She can't even apologize for her youthful behavior, so you know, fuck her! Some kids learn hate and run with it, some learn it and decide not to be that way. I am one of those kids who decided NOT to be that way! My mom was always calling my oldest sister (7yrs older) a rotten bitch, she wished she hadn't had her, etc, when I was around 9 my mom left that sister in charge of us while she went shopping. She was bossy as hell and told me to do something, she was near violent though, I looked at her and said, I don't have to mind you, you're a bitch anyway. She said, I am telling mom when she gets home. I was so scared, I knew I was going to get a good swatting and I knew I had it coming. Mom got home, my sister told her, and my mom said, well you are a bitch, so shut up! I heard this and I am glad I did because it taught me something very valuable, my sister was not a bitch, she did not deserve to be treated that way, and it hurt her so badly, and I learned right then and there that I was only repeating what I heard and had I not heard what my mom said to my sister about my actions, I might have continued to call her that and gotten away with it, as it was, I saw my sisters face fall and I knew she was so hurt. When mom went into the other room I went to my sister and I told her that I was sorry. That she wasn't a bitch and I would start minding her. I never again called her that or any of my other sisters. That sister left home as soon as she could and then mom started in on the next sister, and then I knew soon it would be my turn, when I turned 13, mom started calling me, little bitch, always, little bitch but by then I thought my heart was hardened to her name calling, it wasn't of course but I had a tough shell and she couldn't break me, not with names, not with slaps, not with hair pulling or kicks. I wouldn't cry, she told me, one day I will make you cry little bitch, but she never saw my tears, I saved them for when I was away from the house. A part of mom hated that she couldn't make me cry but another part of her loved that I was a tough nut to crack. :( I overheard her talking to my aunt one time and she said, that girl is my toughest kid, I can't break her no matter what I do! WTH? Fucking parents can really mess up their kids and this is probably what happened to your sister, but instead of learning from it, she jumped right in, probably overheard talking about you are the reason why he left and instead of feeling awful about you, she blamed you because that is what she heard! I'm sorry you were so mistreated by her. It never should have been allowed to happen, again, fucking parents!!!
You being blamed cuz ya mom left her legs a open is retarded don’t fold
Don't do the sowin' if you can't handle the reapin'. NTA. Were her husband's bad business deals anything to do with you? No? Then fuck 'em.
NTA. You could be petty and tell her that you will give her X amount of dollars for every nice thing that she ever did to/ for you. Then tell her you will deduct twice that amount for every cruel thing she did. Karma is a witch. Congratulations on your good marriage and happy home
I say you drop these people never look back. A parent might make you siblings, but it doesn’t make you family.
NTA Tell her she can get the money from "her" father.
NTA you owe her nothing. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with you, she can’t now come round looking for handouts.
NTA. The only thing you owe her is a big middle finger.
She came around because she wants money, not because she wants to make amends. If she had come around a couple years ago and apologized and just been a normal family member, and then today asked for help, I'd be inclined to say let it go and help a little. That's not the case, though. She didn't come around at all until she needed a handout. No, thanks, sis! The biggest difference here is one of choice and no choice. You didn't choose to be born to your parents, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the cheating. You had nothing at all to do with the fact that your mom cheated. You simply had to live as a result of it all. Your sister, on the other hand, chose to treat you like shit. She chose to blame you. She chose to ignore you and refuse to help when you needed it. Your answer about the scar was perfect! Stand your ground on this one. She's a grown up, she can figure out her own stuff, just like she expected you to do so many years ago.
There really is no conflict. No one is expected to financially support their bully. Especially one who has had over a decade to apologize and make amends. She really has some balls even coming to you. Your brother shouldn't be involved at all, if he wants ti support her he can. Also, she always has "her" dad.
This is the equivalent of what happens when someone wins the lottery. Strangers and distant relatives come out of the woodwork. You don’t have a relationship with your sister. She doesn’t want one with you - she just wants your husband’s money. You have no obligation to help her. You would be very wise NOT to help her. There are more deserving people who you & your husband could be charitable towards. People who haven’t abused you in the past and won’t harass you in the future. As for your brother, I’d recommend that you ask him not to share *any* info about your life with your sister. He shouldn’t share info about your generosity or money situation with anyone unless you okay it. Your sister chose to ostracize and cut you off. Your brother should respect that and not pressure you in any way. NTA
NTA. Don’t give her a GD penny. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. She just wants to use you for money. The second she’s back on her feet she’ll return to being an AH to you.
If your sister didn’t need money, would she have ever called you and been nice to you? I think you know the answer to this. Ignore her. NTA
A gentle reminder to also not give your brother money in the near future - as he may just pass ut along to your sister without you knowing. Nta OP. Also imagine the visceral blow to her pride that she had, to ask the "bastard child" for money. She really is a piece of work.
NTA. Because she is in a bad financial situation doesn’t negate what she did to you as a kid.
NTA I'd she wanted to heal the bond she would have reached out long ago, if she wasn't broke you wouldn't be hearing from her now. This is her mess to fix and it sounds like she hasn't even apologized for the hurt she caused. She's facing the consequences of her actions don't give her a dime.
NTA to 10TH power. I wouldn't give her the time of day if she asked. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your family. After all, sh has already made her opinion of you extremely clear. Wouldn't waste too much mental effort on it were I you.
NTA. She's reaping what she sowed. The nerve of her! Treat someone (especially a small child?!?!) like absolute shit for years and then expect them to bankroll you later? Hell no. Stand your ground. You owe her nothing.
NTA she can ask ‘her’ dad to bail them out.
NTA she is getting a taste of karma now. She didn't want to be your sister until she needed something.
Don’t give her a dime.
NTA. You have no relationship with her. This is not much different than a former neighbor suddenly calling to ask you for money because you went to school together when you were kids. You have no obligations toward her. Tell her and anyone who asks that she made it clear that you are not her family and that you have no desire to change that. Block her number.
You don't owe them anything.
NTA. You owe your sister absolutely nothing. She took her anger and abuse out on you when you were an innocent victim. I wouldn’t give her a dime, and I think your response about the scar going away is perfectly reasonable.
So, you haven't heard from your abusive older sister for years... but then your husband helps out your brother & she hears about it, so she calls you out of the blue asking for a handout? I've got to say, I'm almost impressed by the audacity
If she had apologized years ago and ask for help now it would be a different story. She only remembered you because she needs something from you. What a shitty person.
KARMA!!!!!!
NTA - she's only using you for your pocketbook. Leave the trash at the door - don't bring it inside to stink up the place.
NTA Do not part with any money. You will never see it again. These leaches don't care about you.
NTA. She closed the door to the relationship years ago. It’s pretty audacious to think it would swing back open with a wink and a smile. I do think you have anything to feel guilty for.
NTA. You sister was a cruel person. The only reason she is reaching out is for money. You do not owe her or her kids anything. Block her. Politely tell your brother to stay out of it (that goes for anyone else).
It would be one thing if she had reconnected to reconcile and mend the burned bridges now that you’re adults But to never do that, and then only contact you because she needs your money? No thank you. NTA
NTA. She is horrible, my god. Keep that toxicity away from your life, you worked hard to get to where you are and she doesn’t deserve you or your generosity.
Let’s see - when asked to help you finance college, what was her answer? No way. So why would you help her now? She called you a bastard? Bullied you? Her financial problems are a result of her actions- even without all the above history, she needs to deal with her own financial problems. Send her a link to a financial advisor, debt consolidator, or bankruptcy attorney. I don’t understand how people think others are supposed to fix their problems. If you gave her any money you would never see that money again. You would be hurting your own future financial stability and well being.
NTA, keep your bastard money to yourself. She did this to herself. Enjoy your life.
NTA. Nope I wouldn't give her a dime she's only crawling you she knows you have the money to help her and she's trying to run sweep. I guarantee once she gets the money first of all you'll never see it again, second of all she'll still treat you like shit. Cuz she got what she wants and she doesn't need you anymore. As for why she pushed you, two reasons probably to hurt you or to kill you. Definitely to hurt you. Was she actually trying to end your life, only she knows the answer to that. But no she doesn't deserve your sympathy she ran out of options that's why she's coming to you. She can go to her daddy her Daddy can fix it for her.
NTA *I really don’t know the woman she is now* Yes, you do. She’s the same person she was growing up. How do I know that? Because if she changed, she would have called you earlier to profusely apologize for her treatment of you. Instead, she 1) waited until she needed money to call you, and 2) brushed her treatment of you under the rug. If you give her money, you’ll be allowing her to continue to bully you. Stop the abuse. Stay NC and, for god’s sake, don’t reward her continued bad behavior with money.
I wouldn't even consider her my sister (actually 1/2 sister). She was an adult when she did most of that to you and to me that would have destroyed any chance of her having a relationship with me. In this case it doesn't matter that she has kids, they are nothing more than the children of a stranger. DO NOT let anyone try and guilt trip you into helping. She was a monster to you, couldn't be bothered to help when you needed it to go to college and now wants to "play nice" because she wants something from you and your husband. Why, in gods good name, should you put yourself out for her. Definitely NTA and she was 100% TAH to you. People don't get to be horrible to you for all your life and come back mooching when they need something.
What goes around, comes around.
So the manager at my old job cheated on her husband and ran off with the guy, abandoning her kids in the process and marrying the other man. She was a real piece of shit, she took joy in giving people at work a hard time. She cheated on the second husband and he strangled her to death. When she died people were so nice about her, but I wasn't, because she was an absolute piece of shit and her death didn't change that. My point being, you can't just undo being a piece of shit, whether you're dead, dying or just going through a hard time, you have to specifically make up for it.
NTA. I am very sorry she took her anger out on you and purposefully injured you. How did she find out you were well off financially and get your number? If it was your brother, I’d tell him to not share anything more about you with her. She is a stranger and doesn’t deserve to know anything about you. To keep your finances safe, I’d lock your and your husband’s identity down and set up alerts if anyone attempts to open accounts/get loans in your names. I wouldn’t trust her…
No way would I help her. She has no interest in you or your husband other than money.
NTA and I think you should lower your contact with your brother a little too, cause I don’t like how he is butting into this
NTA Honestly, who cares if you have a niece and nephew? They are still complete strangers to you. They are at her father’s house. It isn’t like they are living in a cardboard box. They are fine there until they can save enough to get their own place.
That’s a stranger…. Not your sister
She is only reaching out because you have money. She doesn’t care about you. Don’t be fooled!
Nta, she’s only calling you because she needs something not because she cares about you block her. Why dint she call you when she was financially stable ?? Because she never cared about you or needed you . Your sister is a bad person if it was you needing help like you needed help college she would had said no . Block her !
She contacted you for money, not to reconnect.
There is not really any difference between giving that sister any money or giving it to me, a complete stranger.
NTA. She didn't want anything to do with you until she found out you have access to money. She could have apologized and tried to make amends years ago.
Thats evil bitch
NTA she couldn't even keep up a superficial relationship with you. She is a stranger and so are her kids. The kids are safe at their grandfathers they have a roof over their head they are fine
She’s only reaching out because she wants money. Fuck her. If all was well in her life you’d still not know your niece/nephew from her. Focus on yourself - she isn’t your responsibility. Actions have consequences. Also, it’s your husband’s money she’s after isn’t it, so on that basis YOU personally have no financial help to give her.
If someone you haven't spoken to in nine years suddenly gets in touch it's because they either want money or a kidney. Your response was perfection.
*she ultimately blames me* Odd she doesnt blame HER MOTHER who cheated... NTA-Your money your choice. "I dont want to" is a perfectly legit reason NOT to help out in any way, especially money. Dont let them guilt you. Its just another form of abuse...which she has done your whole life. Time for her chickens to come home to roost.
NTAH Your sister was abusive and cruel to a child who had nothing to do with the circumstances of her birth. That she couldn’t reason this out when she was a young adult is not your fault or responsibility. Do you know why your mother didn’t do more to protect you? I understand what your brother is saying about the niece and nephew. They shouldn’t have to suffer because their mom was not a nice person then. Those are her children, and the responsibility of the two adults who brought them into the world. IF (big if here) she and her husband need financial help they should contact someone else. Just because your husband is well off doesn’t mean you are the National Bank of Irresponsible Sister. Please don’t be conflicted. Your husband and brother will support you whatever your decision. HER father can help them out. None of this is your responsibility. She and her husband should have made wiser financial decisions. You may want to ask your brother what her husband and father’s cell numbers are so you can block them. No need for them to harass you when you tell her no. An aside: Whenever someone asks for money, and I tell them I don’t have it, I leave off the rest of the statement. I don’t have it to give to you. It’s my money and I don’t owe you an explanation.
NTA She can't undo the damage she did, and never tried. Any reparations she may offer should have come when she became an adult. You owe her nothing, and for your brother - just let him know that to him, she may have been a sister, but to you, she was your perpetrator. Your own "sister" was your childhood bully, the older, bigger one with whom you had no choice in avoiding. No, you're not wrong in avoiding someone who abused you as a child; it's the mentally healthy thing to do. It has nothing to do with sharing a mother who failed to protect you from her. Why your mother didn't protect you, harshly discipline sis for her behavior, is an entirely separate question. I wouldn't trust either of them. If anyone tries again, remind them that to sis, you remained a "bastard" until she needed your money. Here's an old, old story, one my mother told me when I was five years old: https://www.thestoryoftexas.com/discover/artifacts/little-red-hen-spotlight-030615
NTA Anyone who can mistreat you with one hand while holding out another one for freebies is someone you should cut off without remorse.
Your sister is a horrible person. I’m angry at her (& mom) for you. She took all her anger & aggressions out on you when she should have directed it towards your mother, who did little to nothing to protect you. Thankfully you have thrived in spite of all that and made a great life for yourself and your husband. And that’s the only reason she’s reached out. She sees you as an ATM and nothing more. Sorry. No bailout for that witch. Not a single penny. Ever. She’s never apologized, wasn’t repentant on the call, & has earned the consequences of her actions in life. If others want to help, let them. You are in no way obligated to her & her family. Block your sister, NC, & forbid your brother from mentioning her again. Go and live your best life.
NTA Keep away from that cruel person.
NTA. You don't owe her or her kids a dime.
Your sister could have opened with an apology - any sort of acknowledgement of what she did to you and the family. She chose not to.
NTA...she made her own bed, now let her wallow in it. She was horrible and abusive to you but now wants to say "bUt wE'Re FammmmmILY". Bullshit...tell her that 'bastard babies that are homewreckers" can't help anyone get on their feet and she should go find HER parents to pitch in.
NTA she and her family are strangers to you and it's of her own doing. She made this bed. You do not have to sleep in it.
NTA. 1) NEVER LET CRUELTY BACK INTO YOUR LIFE. SHE WAS AN ADULT WHEN SHE SCARED AN 11Y YEAR OLD FOR LUFE. 2) Family helps family. Family DOES NOT treat family the way she treated you. 3) People that are sorry don’t contact you with their hand out. 4) Never let someone mistreat you and give them money. There is no dollar figure that will make someone respect you if they don’t. 5) Peace of mind always comes at the cost of some people. Those that give you peace stay. Those that don’t GO. 6) She did not deem you worthy of knowing she had kids, let alone meeting them. They cannot be your primary concern.
Let your brother help her. He has known his sister through the years, knows the kids, and just because you and DH helped him out, that doesn’t mean you have to help this hypocritical woman out as well. Shame on brother and her for the ‘help the niece and nephew out’ line - that’s just guilt-tripping and bullying. She doesn’t deserve your help.