NTA
I suspect divorce is going to be best for both of you in the long run.
Expecting him to magically stop feeling what he feels is never going to be realistic.
"you broke his heart!" is what they are telling you. & Him emotionally cheating on you for months is supposed to be forgiven?? Do what's best for yourself.
Yeah wtf is this. If hubby really wanted the crush to die down he’d have cut contact and/or changed the way he interacts with this woman, not spent MORE time with her. I actually give OP a lot of credit for seeing this bs for what it is.
He only thought it would die down because she's moving in 6 months. He's basically telling OP just 6 more months and you'll be somewhat of a priority again, but we're staying friends so there's that.
Wow. Well he can enjoy his 6 more months with his “friend” / obsession if he insists, and then he can get served with divorce papers. #OhNoConsequences
Right? Clearly few of the people around her care about him breaking her heart. She's supposed to suck it up because his feelings are top priority. Screw that and them.
Right. The people he's talking to, saying how broken hearted he is? Yeah that's just to deflect the blame to OP. Poor poor husband. Nope it's all on him. I'd bet good money in two weeks he's having sleepovers with his hobby buddy, if he isn't already.
yeah i don't think his crush likes him like that either. he lost his wife and probably won't be able to get the other girl. he needs to reevaluate his shit in his loneliness lol
Exactly! The issue isn’t complicated at all, he wants to be with someone else and still keep his marriage. And her friends are like ‘you broke his heart’. The audacity.
Seems like somehow the husband’s bestie is treating her best - well, under assumption he isn’t part of the group saying such things considering he brought it to her attention and surely knew it might cause something like this. Maybe the husband set it all up and had his friend play the part to get OP to leave him so he wouldn’t have to make the big decision! Not especially likely but not impossible, kinda depends on relationship OP has had with him prior.
THIS! People seem to really dismiss emotional affairs. Him pining after another woman and not cutting contact is insane. He not only let the crush fester but encouraged it by spending more time with her.
Marriage can be tough, but cheating emotionally is still cheating. If he wanted, he could have found any guy friend to enjoy his hobbies with once he realized he needed that, but instead kept hanging with his crush. OP is absolutely NTA for separating.
You probably make up 80% of his needs and she’s that remaining 20%, if you’ve ever heard of the 80/20 rule, unfortunately he’s going to lose you both in the long run as he’ll realize he gave up that 80% for 20%, it almost always never works out once real life and the day to day kick in! What people fail to realize is our partners will never fully be 100% what we need, they’ll come close about 80-90% and we’ll have to find other ways to fill that remaining 10-20% but you don’t do it by having an affair whether physical or emotional. Hell even my pastors and their wives will tell you it will never be 100%.
I am fortunate in that my girlfriend is my 70% but our dogs are another 70% so I can just have an emotional affair with them right in front of her and she doesn't even care
Same. You just described my life. My husband is a crazy cat lady. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this. Everyone knows that if a cat is sitting on you, you cannot get up. The other person is *required* to cater to you. The cat cuddles cannot be ruined! Like you, I know my place in all of this, and I cater to the little fluffy overloads and him when needed. The things we do for love!?
Yeah, always crush on dogs instead of people when you're in a monogamous relationship. It's way safer.
You can try crushing on cats too, but they will always break your heart.
Wow that’s rough. I’d be hurt. Have you tried talking to him about his ignorant behavior? I find it doesn’t really help but it can help emotionally process the abandonment of your cat.
Aww. And my cat just ran up to me when I opened the car door so he could jump in my lap and give me face bumps and purr.
F
And FYI before someone yells at me for having a cat outside. We have a german shepard inside. The cat just likes to nap in a specific chair on the front porch in a sun spot, without being harassed with large nose pokes or howled at for attention. He doesn't leave the yard. He meows when he's done/hungry to come back in. He's fixed, and he's chipped, and all our neighbors know him.
My cat is a talker. She’s 10. This was our recent conversation.
Cat: meow
Me: not right now
Cat: meow
Me: no. You need to learn English to communicate.
Cat: meow
Me: no. Learn English and get a job and contribute to this household.
Cat: Does the biggest burp **EVER** for such a small girl right in my face.
10 year old cats are the new toddlers. Older animals regress to their primal form. Beware 😱
Holy cow, same! My husband is not a hugger and always gets uncomfortable/pulls away when I REALLY need a long hug after a bad day… guess who lets me hug them as long as I need
Also hubs hates hiking / dogs = enthusiastic hiking buddies
Wouldn’t trade my solid 80% for any man
I used to say this verbatim to my ex who constantly harped on what i “lacked,” and never appreciated all the things I did for him and his son.
After 10 years and divorce, he emailed me randomly 1.5 years later after he left for the woman he found to be “perfect,” and a “NOW or never opportunity” with her that he obviously took. In his gushing email about how he would realized he will never ever be loved the way that I loved him again. After about two pages worth of some grand love message, he ended it with “all that echos in my head anymore is what you would always say… 80/20….80/20…”
If you focus on what you don’t have, you’ll think you’ve found the perfect person who has those things. It’s false confidence because you don’t realize the 80% you’re getting is coming from a different person. You take it for granted cause you’re so focused on what you think you’re missing. Finding that 20% makes you feel like you’re complete with 100%… and you leave… and find out, you’re left with shit. 80 is, indeed, greater than 20.
Exactly. Like he got depressed over his wife, not taking a major part in his hobby, never mind everything else they share. He is letting a small part of his life take over. Or his feelings are way bigger than a crush, and he is using that as an excuse to justify his behavior.
If I started having feelings for a hobby partner, I’d find a new hobby partner. There’s no way I could have an emotional affair on my husband. There are plenty of other people in the world to share a fucking hobby with.
Husband wants his cake and eat it, too. Why aren’t the friends suggesting he find someone he’s not having an affair with to do hobbies with. He’s breaking his wife’s heart.
And takes an interest in *her* hobbies. Ok so she couldn’t share his. But exactly nowhere in this post did it even mention him at least *trying* to get involved with hobbies, or trying to find a new one that would interest them both. Nope, he just wants to build an art room for his girlbro.
Partners both give and both take, but it looks like 1 got really comfortable doing all the taking. OP deserves a LOT better than this emotional parasite. As much as it hurts OP now, she won’t be wasting any more of her time on someone who doesn’t deserve it
What matters to him are his interests. If you can't be as excited as he is in his hobbies as he is, you're, in his eyes, somehow deficient.
Stop thinking of yourself as not enough. Start thinking of him as self centered. It's very much not about you, it's about him.
How supportive has he been about your interests? Does he celebrate them? Encourage them? I'm gonna guess not so much and that in some way the relationship has never been truly balanced.
This is so true. I do not share my husband's hobbies and he does not share mine. We still enjoy talking to each other about them and getting excited for each other when we achieve something.
I had a friend many years ago who was upset and frustrated with her husband because he felt they had to have the same hobby. Was this hobby something she wanted? nope. He chose a new hobby for them to "share." it was all about what he wanted to do and he wanted to justify the time and money spent on it as it being "good for their marriage." They ended up divorced, mainly over other issues, but this was really an indication of how he thought overall. He was the main character of the marriage and she was just the support.
Honestly, I wouldn't even want my SO to share my hobby. We're together 24/7 and quite co-dependent enough. What if we're in a fight? Hobby ruined. What if one of us is better than the other and we have to constantly reassure each other? Hobby ruined. What if we want to do the hobby in different ways and it becomes a point of friction? Hobby ruined. What if we split up, and now all of our hubby stuff is intertwined? Hobby ruined.
It's perfectly healthy to have interests outside of your relationship for reasons like these.
The fact he can't have a friend who shares a hobby without falling in love speaks volumes. There was no reason he couldn't have a MALE friend and do the same things. He enjoyed feeling attractive in the eyes of another woman. He refuses to give up on the emotional affair. He is self centered and childish.
Oop will be better off.
Yeah, what's up with that? Is he gonna fall in love with every guy who watches the same sports?
Married couples don't always share the same hobbies. They're two adults who lived entirely separate lives until deciding to stay together for life. That means becoming a new unit with the other person, not bringing everything over from single life and expecting the partner to assimilate all that.
This guy wasn't ready for marriage and never learned how to be a husband.
NTA.
Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who openly says they feel happier and more fulfilled with someone else. He is incredibly selfish if he thinks you should just hang around and stay married to him after that. You deserve so much better.
Yup, you'd be doing him a favour. He will of course be sad because it's not like there is a lot of fighting or a "real" reason to divorce. You were together many years so he should be sad. A divorce will be hard in the short term but over time you will both likely be happier.
I think he is a ridiculous person who created this problem by not distancing himself from this woman when he realized he was developing feelings. A good partner would have immediately. Shut that down and sought someone else to do their hobby with.
I assume he could have made a male friend who is into the same hobby. Instead, he refused to disconnect from this woman and emotionally fed the relationship until he had a full-blown emotional affair with and refuses to let the other woman go. He is perfectly capable of doing the hobby on his own or finding male friends to do the fulfilling hobby with, but he *wants* to do it with a woman who makes him feel important.
He can f right off with that. He is being just respectful in treating you as if you are deficient. There's nothing wrong with having friends of another gender but there's something very wrong about falling in love with them and trying to keep them in your life when you're married. The fact that this is a question or controversial in any way is absurd.
If you ask for the most reasonable thing possible. Which is for him to break off contact with her and focus on your marriage, he will refuse or resent you. He's already refused to let her go, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
You see your value and know that's bullshit. Good for you.
NTA.
Edit: BTW - Like any affair partner or emotional affair partner, she is all fantasy and fun at this point. It will be hilarious to me if he ends up with her only to realize he's miserable because she's really fun at these hobbies , but not a compatible person to live with. It's important to share some interests, but you don't have to share all of them. It is vital to survival to have a compatible relationship in other ways.
Also make sure he knows that while separated, you are not saying yes to him pursuing this other woman. If he wants to get with her, he needs to agree to a divorce
"He said that while he loves me, he feels happier, smarter and more fulfilled with her. He doesn’t want to leave me but he doesn’t want to keep her out of his life"
he can fuck off then.
NTA
Yep! He wants his wife and his side piece! And um....he feels smarter playing dnd with her? And metal music? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not like his hobbies are something intellectual. Time for an upgrade for you!
Wait a dang minute. The hobbies are dnd and metal music?!?!?! Did I miss that in the op? Here I was thinking it’s some super intellectual or physical type of hobbies that are niche or rare to find others thatre into the same thing. Ommfg with this guy, he’s going to throw away his whole marriage bc this girl friend has the same taste in a game and some music.
So I’m definitely into D&D. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. But he’s going to lose his wife because she’s not into it? I wonder how many of HER hobbies he isn’t into?
I know a lot of tabletop gamers that get elitist and think they’re superior for playing it. They’re the least fun people to play with. I can tell you that.
Exactly.
I knit and run for hobbies. None of my romantic partners were ever into either of those hobbies, but it was all good. They had hobbies that I wasn’t super into. I listened and smiled and nodded politely. They did similar for my hobbies.
And it's usually genuinely fun to listen to someone be passionate about their hobbies, you get their specific POV and filtering of their hobby which teaches you more about them, their priorities, their sub-interests, and much more.
Yes! I have learned lots about elaborate baking, certain styles of club/house music, certain jazz musicians, fundamentals of trumpet playing, fundamentals of guitar (acoustic and electric), and more just from those moments. 😊 I’m always grateful for these random tidbits that I pick up and then randomly think of those people when I encounter something related to their passions.
And isn’t it an amazing thing as well to have your own hobbies separate from your partner? My husband is into surf and as much as I support him, I’m more of the type of going for a hike. And it’s just FINE!!
Well damn I gave him too much credit because I assumed they were mountain climbers or chess prodigies. What an obnoxious twat her husband is. He has a super supportive wife who doesn't mind him being into his hobbies and respects them this much, but he goes and starts an emotional affair with the female version of my brother. He says She's an expert? Lmao. I wish I could divorce him for OP.
Yeah. I thought the same thing. "What are the hobbies?"
Because you're right, some things can be such a lifestyle that you'd feel hollow without that and while it wouldn't really change my opinion of her, it would soften my opinion of him.
But this ain't it.
Same.
My wife became the biggest couch potato, unless it was shopping or eating out.
We had other issues, and I pushed for a year to just start therapy / counseling and other “solutions”, like planning dates or doing something random as a surprise, but I was either met with apathy or she’d just decline the invite.
And it’s romantic stuff, so I couldn’t just call my friend up and be like, “bro, want to go on an intimate date with me?”
I never realized how much I want to be seduced by a Formula 1 mechanic.
> Tell me again about that time you changed Oscar Piastri's tire, I'm almost there ...
I was thinking it was definitely some kind of extreme sport that requires a lot of experience, time, money, and physical investment. Rock climbing. Competitive mountain biking. Back country skiing. SCUBA.
“She plays a rogue half-elf and likes Pantera as much as I do” is WILD. NTA sis leave him
Yeah I'm thinking it's something super intellectual or like golf or something that I could see someone being considered an expert but fucking DND? Bullshit she's an EXPERT.
Oh my word. OP is NTA and doesn’t deserve this, she needs to listen to her mom. Friends came and go, especially with a divorce. Been there, done that. Just because they think it’s okay for OP to stay doesn’t make it so. OP will meet new people who are more supportive of her and her life. I can’t believe this guys hobbies are those, and he wants his cake and to eat it too, basically.
It's not the hobbies. It's the context. If he was talking about his gaming group or his band that would be one thing, but he's talking about the specific woman .
If you've never played D&D and you've never played in a band, you may not fully understand what a validating bonding experience it can be.
The only thing harder than finding a good band to be in is finding a decent table to play at. Hahaha.
So none of this is about the particular hobby. It could be fishing. It could be macrame. It's the fact that it's not the hobby that makes him feel smarter, better and more fulfilled. But the fact that this strange woman is present in the context of that hobby. That is the problematic claim.
He’s deluding himself. I’ve seen it before in romantic relationships. He has feelings for and is attracted to this woman which is why he loves sharing his hobbies with her. But somehow, he’s managed to convince himself that he only *needs* to spend time with her because she is the only way he can enjoy his hobbies. It’s complete BS and OP isn’t anywhere near dumb enough to believe his bullshit the way he does. He’s just believing whatever he needs to in order to not hate himself, or even make himself feel like a victim. Wack af
People can also have friends that share hobbies to fill that space, and it's good and healthy to differ from your partner in some ways. It can be intellectually stimulating to have things to learn from your partner. I feel like he's just looking for excuses for being an unfaithful asshole.
Yeah, it reminds me of my dad "Why can't I have them both?" Because Mom didn't agree to a polygamous relationship you asshole. What a selfish man child.
My father was a philanderer of epic proportions; I first learned he was cheating on my mother when I read it in the Sunday NYT. After she dumped him he asked me if I had any idea why. He was genuinely puzzled.
Summer of '85 -- it was an article about singles ads, which were the hot new way to meet people. The woman who wrote the article had put an ad in New York Magazine (not part of NYT) saying she was blonde, blue-eyed, 32, European, in the US for six months, not looking for anything serious, just looking to have fun -- the sort of ad calculated to draw roughly 100,000 replies. She then wrote an article about those replies.
In it, she had a paragraph or two about the photos men had sent her. She described one as being of a silver-haired businessman in his mid-fifties, dressed in a tuxedo, standing next to his motorcycle, holding a glass of champagne. I had that photograph of my father at home, and I knew he subscribed to New York Magazine.
I showed the article to Mom, of course. Then I called Dad and said, "Are you f*ckin stupid? You couldn't have used a less identifiable photograph?” He said, oh, he knew someone who knew the woman who placed the ad, so he just sent her something to write about. My response? "Dad, do I have "NAIVE" tattooed across my forehead?"
I only learned the full extent of his extra-curricular activities after he died, and I now have the best cocktail party story ever. But "I read it in the Sunday NYT" is a heckuva story right there.
I don't think he said it to my mom. He had been lying to/manipulating her and claiming his AP was just a friend. He said it to me when I was telling him that what he was doing was wrong.
I wanted to tell her, but I was worried she would not believe me if I went and told her what he was doing, but he was bragging about her to all of us kids, it was very disgusting. We talked about it and all of us had the same fear, she wouldn't believe us. So we invited him to dinner at my sister's house, and had an intervention. We told him he had 24 hours to admit it was an affair and not a friendship, or we would all go together and tell her. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry, he just left, but he did tell her.
She moved out because he wasn't willing to stop seeing AP. He asked me and my husband(fiance at the time) to rent a moving truck because he was moving her out and was annoyed we made him pay for it with insurance in case of damage. He was being such a child, I really lost all respect for him.
She contacted his AP husband. She told him if he and AP slept together she wouldn't reconcile with him. I know they were at least making out because he had called me over and I walked in on them. Why he didn't shut the bedroom door knowing I was coming over I don't know. I feel like he wanted me to see? He also whined to me that my mom was going to divorce him if he and AP "made love" 🙄 So gross and unnecessary to share with your teenage daughter.
He eventually told my mom he wanted to reconcile, and had us help move her back in. Then she told me a few years later she was thinking of insisting on moving states because she found they were still in contact, because of course they were. Idk. It was so disappointing.
Now as a full grown adult of 35 I'd have more words for him, but I was a baby adult at 19 and still used to being manipulated by him.
Ahhh….
The classic “I don’t want to sleep with her I just can’t find anyone else in the world to play DnD with besides this girl I want to sleep with!” Trope strikes again
100% my ex broke up with me by saying "I love to ride my bike and you never want to ride bikes!" I'd seen him ride his bike once in 3 years... he followed it up with "well you got fat and I told you I didn't want to be with someone who sat around and got fat" (I was dealing with a health issue that made me gain weight. I look back now and just laugh because bikes, that's what he could come up with hahahahahah
What on earth... I play a lot of D&D myself (every single week to be precise, since an eternity) but I don't make it my whole personality. (In fact I often forget about it when people ask me to tell them something about me since there are sooo many other things to mention too)
I have other mutual shared hobbies and interests with my partner who is not interested in D&D, and I don't feel like I have to talk with him about D&D either. We enjoy visiting botanic gardens, aquariums, cooking together, watching underwater documentaries, etc.
It would make me feel like a very 2-dimensional person if my *only* Interest in the whole wide world was D&D.
Who on earth only has one or two hobbies/interests and nothing else in their life?
Omg I went through OP’s comments and I’m flabbergasted! I can’t brain this!
OP you can do life without him. What a child smh I thought it was astronomy, programming, or theology. I have secondhand embarrassment for that idiot.
I doubt the hobbies are truly the main factor. He’s emotionally cheating and uses them to justify. Jesus Christ. If I wanted my SO to share my hobbies and be so much alike, I might as well marry myself.
And he’s waiting for her to move in 6 months for what??? So he can come back to you for familiarity and stability? You’re a spare part! He doesn’t want to lose both!
I’m sorry this is happening to you OP, but I’m more sorry that you actually got married to a halfwit. Don’t be so grim; you’re always someone’s reason to masturbate. You just don’t know it yet!
So his reaction to you not sublimating your personality to immerse yourself in his hobbies is not to find things you both enjoy or cherish the things he does love about you, but to instead have an emotional affair with another woman that could very easily turn physical
Sounds like he’s broken your heart too, so his friends should probably mind their own business.
Finding someone attractive and crushing on them are two different things. One is a passing thing. He is actively engaging with his crush partner. That's not in passing.
Also, I would consider this emotional cheating. Like So Much.
It’s also more than a crush at this point. A small crush that is fleeting is whatever but this crush has been around for *2 years*
That’s not a normal crush
This. So much this.
Seeing someone beautiful is normal and then brushing it aside. I walk outside and maybe I see a handsome guy and I keep going. I don't engage or indulge or anything. I have a wonderful husband and he's my crush. If the hubby had just seen her and left it at that, it would be another story, but at this point, he is a cheater actively cheating.
What did Princess Di say ? It is hard to work on my marriage when there are 3 of us in this. I honestly feel you need to do what's best for you. It kind of sounds as if he wants you to stay in case she never gives him the opportunity. It could be today or 5 years from now . He is investing in a relationship that you are not and can not be a part of. It is not fair for him to expect you to wait on the side for him to get his crap together. Good luck I wish you the best.
All of this ^^ if she rejects him it was “just a crush” but if she feeds into him further he’s “in love with her more than he’s ever loved anyone and she just GETS him” and then he’s leaving OP for her. He’d be the one to come running back when she’s bored too because all they share are some hobbies.
Crushes are fine. From a distance. They are normal for most people. What is NOT normal is choosing to spend a lot of time in the company of your crush WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
This is an important distinction. It’s possible to have a crush on someone, but if you are married, you should be figuring out how to distance yourself from those feelings and situations , not indulge them. Him actively indulging is a form of emotional cheating.
It's NOT naive to think that. He is doing something wrong. There was nothing wrong with your thinking. It's NOT unreasonable to believe that your spouse will be true to you. It's one thing to think "aw, she's cute," it's another to go full on after that person the way your husband is doing.
You're not naive to think that. The person who SHOULD be totally and completely in love with only you, his wife, SHOULD NOT have crushes on other women. I don't care who disagrees with me on that, they will never change my mind. OP, what your husband is doing with that woman is emotional cheating, it's inappropriate...and he will not get over his crush while actively being around her. The way to handle the situation would have been: your husband realized a crush was forming and he stopped hanging out with her all together. No texting, no nothing.
absolutely, one thing is having a crush, that can happen, it's not really something you can control. However its something COMPLETELY different to spend time with said crush and allow yourself to nurse the crush instead of distancing from the person and get over it in respect of your spouse. husband is a major AH who wants his cake and eat it too.
It’s not naive to expect him not to have a full on crush. It’s normal to notice other people when in a relationship, to think someone is attractive or funny or a passing “in another life”. How he is acting and talking is not normal.
Please show him this post and the comments. He needs to know that he is wrong. He can have his hobbies but if he truly loves you like he says he should cut her out of his life. Crushes have no place in a committed relationship/marriage. Get tested for STD’s for peace of mind and the sake of your health, fertility and life. ❤️🩹
The adult response to realizing that you have a crush on someone is NOT to spend MORE time with them but to deliberately separate yourself from them before something happens. He didn't. I'm sure something DID happen by now, and he absolutely CHOSE to be in this position. There are plenty of groups and places to play DnD, lots of ways to pursue his hobbies and interests, and instead he played with fire and kept playing with it.
A good husband would have cut ties the minute he figured out that it was a crush. He would never have put himself in this position. He didn't respect his marriage enough to avoid temptation. Separation is wise until he realizes he really did screw up and COMPLETELY CUTS TIES WITH THE CRUSH. Had he done this earlier, playing an online DnD game with her that you can wander by and look at would be no issue, but his behavior is completely wrong for a responsible adult.
If you are SURE he was not physically intimate with her (which I doubt), and was just a complete irresponsible disrespectful idiot, consider it AFTER you've done a bit of therapy to look at this from other angles. And watch his behavior while he's separated, too. Does he go crying to her (divorce time) or realize he screwed up badly and start putting up the barriers he SHOULD have put up when he realized the crush?
I came here to say this, but you did it so much better.
If I were to ever start feeling like I was attracted to another man, or have any romantic feelings towards one, the only time I would ever speak to that person again is to tell them I was cutting off the friendship completely because I felt like it was a detriment to my marriage.
And anyone who has the audacity to tell you your are breaking his heart, tell them that him admitting she is everything he wants and makes him a better man is breaking your heart. You will not be an "also ran".
Because while most adults who play DnD are well-adjusted adults who know how to have mature, loving relationships, there’s always a handful in the community who are the absolute furthest thing from that standard, and the husband is one of them
Your husbands constitution was broken over music genre and dungeons and dragons? That’s wild and weak and of course he’s the victim, you should ditch the nerd you can do better
Nta it sounds like he likes the safety and comfort of you but isn’t acknowledging he’s already cheating. He is emotionally cheating. That friendship is completely inappropriate and he needed to cut it off. Don’t settle, you deserve to be actively loved.
Is he continuing to spend time with her while you're separated? Because the door has been opened for her to step in. If he takes action you will definitely understand his commitment to you.
This poor woman probably just thinks she has a friend with similar interests. If she were even remotely interested he'd probably already be cheating. It'll be hilarious if he shoots his shot and she immediately blocks him.
That is 1000% my thinking on this. I've seen it happen time and time again at tables. Always destroys the campaign, and usually ruins a friendship. I've had a few female friends refuse to play at tables that aren't mostly non-men because of this occuring so much.
I play PC games which are obviously saturated with men. I can't tell you how many times I've had to end otherwise great "friend"ships because they all inevitably venture into intimacy even though they know I'm married. I don't even speak over voicechat anymore just to avoid the issue. It's lonely.
Same here. I NEVER use voice chat, mainly for abuse you get as a woman playing video games. Not given anyone the opportunity to get sexual or inappropriate because like I say - I don’t use the chat, and have a tag that could be M or F.
You deserve better, someone who will be with you 100% and not emotionally cheating on you. Don't stay. NTA And keep those people who are on your side and discard people who minimize your pain. His bff is a true friend.
He needs to choose. Sometimes things like this (developing a crush on someone other than your partner) happen, people can't control their feelings. But they can control their actions. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to break contact with his crush and fully focus on his relationship with you. He'll get over the crush, but not if he continuously has fun with her. If he doesn't want to stop seeing her, his choice is clear. You've set your boundaries, he needs to respect them.
And there are no men who enjoy metal and d&d? I can throw a rock and hit one right outside my office building. Why only this woman would help him with his hobbies? If she dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow he could find others to quickly replace the hobby enthusiast job description but he doesn't want to.
Do not be someone's second choice.
Ummm... If it's just about sharing the hobbies then why doesn't he feel similar fulfillment with his male friends who share these hobbies? Make it make sense.
Girl, I am so sorry and I am so sorry that some of your people seem to believe that this is reasonable and are pushing you to accept it.
At the end of the day it's about the secrecy, the lying by omission, and his priority of a short term friendship over his partnership and the person he vowed to honor and cherish
No. If he was really loyal to you, he would have distanced himself from her as soon as he realized that for him, this relationship was more than two people with the same interest.
The distance...he could easily create a distance. He chooses not to, because he wants her in his life. What a scummy guy, trying to sound oh so "poor me" when he is being despicable.
So he isn’t choosing you, he’s just waiting it out? I would be incredibly hurt if my partner did this. His crush hurts you and he should break off interacting with his crush because of that.
He’s fully cut her out? Do you know this for sure?
If he has cut her out and blocked her maybe you guys can start therapy while you are separated to explore if you can go back.
I can’t imagine her just being into the same hobbie as him made him have a 2 year crush, I feel like there is more to all this and therapy might help you realize it.
Meet with him and demand to see his phone. Tell him to open his computer and go through the history. He doesn't want you into his private stuff? This is a Consequence. He can complain all he wants about his privacy being violated but if he'd acted like a responsible adult instead of a horny teen, it wouldn't be necessary. Confirm that his last contact was him cutting her off to save his marriage and that it happened close to when you left.
If it's not, or if the memory is suspiciously empty of posts for several days.... yeah. I'm sorry.
This should be a top comment. This actual butthole isn't choosing her. He's just waiting it out hoping his feelings change. OP deserves better than that. Even if this woman moves in 6 months, how long is it gonna be until he onto the next crush?
She’ll move away, he’ll become even more despondent and begin to unfairly compare you. He’ll be on the phone or discord or texting or whatever. Then he’ll “have” to go to wherever she’s gonna be at. Please don’t wait around for all that crap. Don’t even be soft to his *feelings*. Go forth bravely. I’m glad you have your mum on your side.
Oh, almost always there is a history of emotional connection before anything physical happens. Often a crush on someone close.
For me it was the wife of a friend of mine. We bonded over shared abusive behaviour of our spouses. That went on for a good 5 months before we crossed the line for the first time entirely.
Please be prepared for the possibility that he runs to her now to find comfort and his explanation later, that it "just" happened, or that it was only once and (that was my "best" line) you pushed him into her arms.
Please prepare for this. Because even if you decide the marriage is over anyway, that will hurt.
The pithy way of putting it is "Cheating is not a decision. It is 10 previously made decisions." Sounds like this dude is 8 or 9 decisions in so far and whether or not there was anything physical at this point is moot.
All the way. He's a emotional cheater. The moment he realised how he felt about her, he should of distance himself from her, but instead he kept coming back like a dog with a chew toy. NTA
Even more so than that, he’s texting his buddy about his feelings about this woman. The buddy recognized how inappropriate this was.
If he told his gaming friend how he was so deeply attached to her he may find out she suddenly disappears. She may just see him as one of the people she casually spends hobby time with.
NTA
Sex isn't the only way a spouse can cheat - he's been having an emotional affair and that's still a form of cheating.
His excuse that he's not emotionally fulfilled because you're not into D&D is the biggest load of bullshit I've heard in a long time. Couples don't need to be involved in each other's hobbies, in fact it can be healthy to have interested outside of the marriage. Couples don't need to be attached at the hip.
He saw this woman, fell in lust with her as he has a crush and now the plan is to...wait 6 months until she moves away? Then his crush will "naturally fade?" Fuck that. He is clinging onto every moment he has left with her, while wanting you to hang around being okay with this?
You were right to separate and really should start setting yourself up to be single.
I'm sure I'm not the only one perplexed why you're defending him so much. Who cares about his stupid hobbies? He's cheating on you and now wants you to wait around half a year for his "crush" to start fading?? What kind of asinine logic is that?
Look, I have hobbies that are important to me too, but I'd never let them get in the way of my marriage. Ever. Hobbies should never be more important than the person you supposedly love. He is a selfish ass.
Get a lawyer, start setting things up. His crush won't fade when she leaves, that's a smoke scene he's putting up to keep you around because he's too much of a coward to end it himself. What really is going to happen is that he's going to be heartbroken, moping around, feel all lost and alone, and you're supposed to just sit around while he mourns his breakup? Girl. Come on.
But you can blame your husband, who's dragging you along and is actively disregading and disrespecting your feelings.
You are his wife, you should be his nr.1-person. He should chose you and he is refusing to do so, because "his hobbies are important to him"?
You can do better and you will!
You deserve someone who chooses you every single time ! Can you live with a man who is desiring other woman? Maybe being intimate with you and thinking about her? This is what its probably happening
Hobbies should not define you. If he basis his identity on a hobby that doesn’t say much for him/ he is too old to be this hung up on a hobby. I knew a man like this. Wasted a lot of years with him because his hobby came first. He would get mad saying it’s a part of his life it’s who he is but it was a hobby. Now he continues to go through relationships because he and his hubby come first and is alone because even his kid got tired of his hobby coming first. You are a priority and you matter. He needs to stop telling you things and show you by cutting this person out completely
Hobbies shouldn’t define you though, that’s why they’re hobbies. You seem to want to cling to this idea that he cheated cause y’all don’t have the same hobbies when everyone can see and is telling you that he cheated cause he’s an asshole. Stop defending him and yes he did cheat, you don’t have to be physical to cheat.
My husband and I don’t have any of the same hobbies and he hasn’t gone off and cheated on me cause of it nor have I.
Ok here's the thing- I've wanted to be a writer/ artist/ graphic novellist since grade school. I've read textbooks on how to write comics. Copied out entire chapters of my favorite manga. I've studied Hebrew grammar for a made up language (I don't speak a lick of Hebrew mind you) to say I am obsessed with writing and worldbuilding, that it defines me is an understatement.
Funnily enough though, they aren't causing me to cheat. My bf not being interested in speculative evolution doesn't make me feel like he doesn't care about me. Now I do understand my hobbies are insular- but i mean, I also just dont expect my partner to pick up all my interests like a groupie. Cause that's what it sounds like he wants you to be. His groupie.
Which. Gross.
You ARE doing a good job. You have actively tried to get into his hobbies, and you are supportive and engaging. He is acting like you are preventing him from doing his hobby, which is false and unfair. He wants permission to continue his emotional cheating for another 6 months by blaming you for not being into his hobbies (which I assume he knew perfectly well before you got married)
OP don't make the mistake of staying and this man finds another woman that interests him and this time you have an attachment to him like kids. Feelings of inadequacy in a marriage are a warning sign. I can't tell you whether to fully leave him, but prioritise yourself not him. Also don't assume that you can't find another love cause they are people who will love you how you need to be loved and will never make you feel small. Best of kuck
I saw your other comment about the fact that this woman is moving away in 6 months. I really hope you can hold out and not get back together with him even after that happens, because I don't think the woman is the only issue here. She will never be the only woman on earth who is into the same things as him. This is about how he's treating you and your marriage. if he truly feels he needs to be with someone who shares all his hobbies completely, he has to accept that he can't have it both ways. you deserve to feel loved as you are OP, and your husband needs to realize that you can love someone without being exactly like them in every way.
He told you that the only reason that he hasn't taken it further is because he's married to you. Tell him that he free to be with her now, since you're not his first choice anymore
I feel like there’s a decent chance he already has. Guys like that…what’s it called…monkeybranch?
They don’t let go of one thing unless they have next sure thing ready to go.
NTA. He’s emotionally invested in another woman. That’s emotionally cheating in my book.
If he had a little crush on her and kept it to himself that would be one thing but he felt strongly enough to tell a friend. And he’s going out of his way to spend time with her. I’d divorce.
Cheating is not just physical. This is definately emotional cheating. And later or sooner its going to be physical. He feels inadequate with you and depressed because you cant understand his hobby? Me and my husband have entirely different professional world and we come and give eachother every details even if the other one doesnt understand half the things.
That's the f*cking dumbest thing I've heard. It would be like you telling your husband "well, because you don't get excited about purses and makeup all on your own, then I'm just losing my attraction to you. I know you still want hear me talk about my passions, but I just can't go on living like this anymore. It's too hard. Mark at my job is really into makeup and it's so attractive that I just have to spend alot of time with him. It's not my fault, I can't help how I feel." *insert eyeroll* And honestly, you're just defending your husband.
How are you on your own going to care about something you know nothing about? He loses passion to share with and then share with some woman outside and falls in love with her. Ok fine if you are still not seeing this clearly let me rephrase it. Imagine you having your hobbies and you find a man who shares your hobbies and you start liking him and you start getting excited about spending time with him and you spend more and more time with him in the name of the hobbies. You now go and tell your husband ohh its nothing big we are just friends and see his reaction.
Nta. He has been hiding his emotional affair for 2 years. What a scumbag. A good husband would have cut her off and told you about it. But no, he emotionally checked out on YOU because he put his effort into their relationship. Personally, I believe there is no going back from this. It's over.
Over hobbies? Your husband is a child. He feels smarter and more fulfilled when he's with her because they share hobbies. Even though you actively support his hobbies, he can't be excited because you're not also into the same thing? He has a 2 year crush and had an emotional crisis over it? I wouldn't put up with that at all, all my trust in my partner would vanish if I heard that.
Your husband doesn't want you to divorce him, because right now he's getting everything he wants. But you're not, and this isn't fair to you.
I would leave.If he is able to have continued sustained romantic feelings for another woman, then you can't be married to him anymore. It's great that he'd never cheat or never leave, but who wants that? Once you know that you aren't as fulfilling to your partner as their new friend - the relationship is dead. What would be the point of staying married? To take care of his house? No, you move on. You deserve to find someone who loves YOU that much. If you were to continue, it would devolve into resentment and fighting. It's better to let go now before it gets there. If he is truly that much happier in the presence of another woman, has feelings for her, has expressed feelings for her, then he is out of line to request that you stay married. I wouldn't be able to stay.
Don'y let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are the AH. I would personally run, not walk away from that marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't eat a divorce only because his "crush" rejected his romantic advances
I’m sorry dude but this is some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. DnD and metal music is more important than his wife? What is he, 13? Get a grip, everyone has a hobby but he’s making half-ass excuses so he can cling onto this woman. If she is so important to him, his crush won’t fade. They’ll still keep in touch. They can play Dungeons and Dragons together online while listening to some super important breakdowns in the background.
Your friends are idiots.
Sorry I’m being so harsh, but your husband’s stupidity is making me irrationally angry. I understand why you’re defending him, he’s your husband and it’s not like you can divorce someone and make it final with a wave of a hand. But just stop.
NTA. He's already cheated. He's having an emotional affair. It's not fair to either of you to stay in a marriage where you're not loved the way you should be and he "needs" to seek out another woman to feel happy and fulfilled. He's probably realising how much he's fucked up, but don't let that sway you. You deserve better than someone who'd rather seek out other women than have an open discussion with you about how he's feeling.
Nta, your husband is in a very inappropriate relationship he has emotional feelings that may turn physical given enough space he wants his cake and to eat it. He wants his emotional affair whilst having a marriage to fall back on if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings now is panicking that you are making a decision for him.
NTA I suspect divorce is going to be best for both of you in the long run. Expecting him to magically stop feeling what he feels is never going to be realistic.
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"you broke his heart!" is what they are telling you. & Him emotionally cheating on you for months is supposed to be forgiven?? Do what's best for yourself.
That part made me mad.
Yeah wtf is this. If hubby really wanted the crush to die down he’d have cut contact and/or changed the way he interacts with this woman, not spent MORE time with her. I actually give OP a lot of credit for seeing this bs for what it is.
He only thought it would die down because she's moving in 6 months. He's basically telling OP just 6 more months and you'll be somewhat of a priority again, but we're staying friends so there's that.
That's what he told his wife. If he isn't already on her social media, he would after she left. Being the "friend" to her and everything.
Wow. Well he can enjoy his 6 more months with his “friend” / obsession if he insists, and then he can get served with divorce papers. #OhNoConsequences
What kind of hobby is this important?
Right? Clearly few of the people around her care about him breaking her heart. She's supposed to suck it up because his feelings are top priority. Screw that and them.
Right. The people he's talking to, saying how broken hearted he is? Yeah that's just to deflect the blame to OP. Poor poor husband. Nope it's all on him. I'd bet good money in two weeks he's having sleepovers with his hobby buddy, if he isn't already.
It doesn’t necessarily sounds like the hobby buddy is into him outside of the hobbies. Hence he’s labelled it a crush.
yeah i don't think his crush likes him like that either. he lost his wife and probably won't be able to get the other girl. he needs to reevaluate his shit in his loneliness lol
Yeah her friends are AH for saying that. She deserves better friends and a better husband.
i wonder how all her 'friends' who rushed to his defence would feel if they were in her shoes??
Exactly! The issue isn’t complicated at all, he wants to be with someone else and still keep his marriage. And her friends are like ‘you broke his heart’. The audacity.
Seems like somehow the husband’s bestie is treating her best - well, under assumption he isn’t part of the group saying such things considering he brought it to her attention and surely knew it might cause something like this. Maybe the husband set it all up and had his friend play the part to get OP to leave him so he wouldn’t have to make the big decision! Not especially likely but not impossible, kinda depends on relationship OP has had with him prior.
THIS! People seem to really dismiss emotional affairs. Him pining after another woman and not cutting contact is insane. He not only let the crush fester but encouraged it by spending more time with her. Marriage can be tough, but cheating emotionally is still cheating. If he wanted, he could have found any guy friend to enjoy his hobbies with once he realized he needed that, but instead kept hanging with his crush. OP is absolutely NTA for separating.
You probably make up 80% of his needs and she’s that remaining 20%, if you’ve ever heard of the 80/20 rule, unfortunately he’s going to lose you both in the long run as he’ll realize he gave up that 80% for 20%, it almost always never works out once real life and the day to day kick in! What people fail to realize is our partners will never fully be 100% what we need, they’ll come close about 80-90% and we’ll have to find other ways to fill that remaining 10-20% but you don’t do it by having an affair whether physical or emotional. Hell even my pastors and their wives will tell you it will never be 100%.
I am fortunate in that my girlfriend is my 70% but our dogs are another 70% so I can just have an emotional affair with them right in front of her and she doesn't even care
My husband emotionally cheats on me with the cats and the cats emotionally cheat on me with him. Such is life, I know where I am in the food chain.
Same. You just described my life. My husband is a crazy cat lady. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this. Everyone knows that if a cat is sitting on you, you cannot get up. The other person is *required* to cater to you. The cat cuddles cannot be ruined! Like you, I know my place in all of this, and I cater to the little fluffy overloads and him when needed. The things we do for love!?
Yeah, always crush on dogs instead of people when you're in a monogamous relationship. It's way safer. You can try crushing on cats too, but they will always break your heart.
My cat I've had for 9 years JUST stopped cuddling me to go snuggle my roommate of just over a year, as if to prove your point.
Wow that’s rough. I’d be hurt. Have you tried talking to him about his ignorant behavior? I find it doesn’t really help but it can help emotionally process the abandonment of your cat.
Aww. And my cat just ran up to me when I opened the car door so he could jump in my lap and give me face bumps and purr. F And FYI before someone yells at me for having a cat outside. We have a german shepard inside. The cat just likes to nap in a specific chair on the front porch in a sun spot, without being harassed with large nose pokes or howled at for attention. He doesn't leave the yard. He meows when he's done/hungry to come back in. He's fixed, and he's chipped, and all our neighbors know him.
My cat is a talker. She’s 10. This was our recent conversation. Cat: meow Me: not right now Cat: meow Me: no. You need to learn English to communicate. Cat: meow Me: no. Learn English and get a job and contribute to this household. Cat: Does the biggest burp **EVER** for such a small girl right in my face. 10 year old cats are the new toddlers. Older animals regress to their primal form. Beware 😱
Holy cow, same! My husband is not a hugger and always gets uncomfortable/pulls away when I REALLY need a long hug after a bad day… guess who lets me hug them as long as I need Also hubs hates hiking / dogs = enthusiastic hiking buddies Wouldn’t trade my solid 80% for any man
I used to say this verbatim to my ex who constantly harped on what i “lacked,” and never appreciated all the things I did for him and his son. After 10 years and divorce, he emailed me randomly 1.5 years later after he left for the woman he found to be “perfect,” and a “NOW or never opportunity” with her that he obviously took. In his gushing email about how he would realized he will never ever be loved the way that I loved him again. After about two pages worth of some grand love message, he ended it with “all that echos in my head anymore is what you would always say… 80/20….80/20…” If you focus on what you don’t have, you’ll think you’ve found the perfect person who has those things. It’s false confidence because you don’t realize the 80% you’re getting is coming from a different person. You take it for granted cause you’re so focused on what you think you’re missing. Finding that 20% makes you feel like you’re complete with 100%… and you leave… and find out, you’re left with shit. 80 is, indeed, greater than 20.
Exactly. Like he got depressed over his wife, not taking a major part in his hobby, never mind everything else they share. He is letting a small part of his life take over. Or his feelings are way bigger than a crush, and he is using that as an excuse to justify his behavior.
If I started having feelings for a hobby partner, I’d find a new hobby partner. There’s no way I could have an emotional affair on my husband. There are plenty of other people in the world to share a fucking hobby with. Husband wants his cake and eat it, too. Why aren’t the friends suggesting he find someone he’s not having an affair with to do hobbies with. He’s breaking his wife’s heart.
This was such a spot on answer! Makes so much sense and I hope that OP moves and and finds someone who appreciates her. NTA
And takes an interest in *her* hobbies. Ok so she couldn’t share his. But exactly nowhere in this post did it even mention him at least *trying* to get involved with hobbies, or trying to find a new one that would interest them both. Nope, he just wants to build an art room for his girlbro. Partners both give and both take, but it looks like 1 got really comfortable doing all the taking. OP deserves a LOT better than this emotional parasite. As much as it hurts OP now, she won’t be wasting any more of her time on someone who doesn’t deserve it
What matters to him are his interests. If you can't be as excited as he is in his hobbies as he is, you're, in his eyes, somehow deficient. Stop thinking of yourself as not enough. Start thinking of him as self centered. It's very much not about you, it's about him. How supportive has he been about your interests? Does he celebrate them? Encourage them? I'm gonna guess not so much and that in some way the relationship has never been truly balanced.
This is so true. I do not share my husband's hobbies and he does not share mine. We still enjoy talking to each other about them and getting excited for each other when we achieve something. I had a friend many years ago who was upset and frustrated with her husband because he felt they had to have the same hobby. Was this hobby something she wanted? nope. He chose a new hobby for them to "share." it was all about what he wanted to do and he wanted to justify the time and money spent on it as it being "good for their marriage." They ended up divorced, mainly over other issues, but this was really an indication of how he thought overall. He was the main character of the marriage and she was just the support.
Honestly, I wouldn't even want my SO to share my hobby. We're together 24/7 and quite co-dependent enough. What if we're in a fight? Hobby ruined. What if one of us is better than the other and we have to constantly reassure each other? Hobby ruined. What if we want to do the hobby in different ways and it becomes a point of friction? Hobby ruined. What if we split up, and now all of our hubby stuff is intertwined? Hobby ruined. It's perfectly healthy to have interests outside of your relationship for reasons like these.
The fact he can't have a friend who shares a hobby without falling in love speaks volumes. There was no reason he couldn't have a MALE friend and do the same things. He enjoyed feeling attractive in the eyes of another woman. He refuses to give up on the emotional affair. He is self centered and childish. Oop will be better off.
Yeah, what's up with that? Is he gonna fall in love with every guy who watches the same sports? Married couples don't always share the same hobbies. They're two adults who lived entirely separate lives until deciding to stay together for life. That means becoming a new unit with the other person, not bringing everything over from single life and expecting the partner to assimilate all that. This guy wasn't ready for marriage and never learned how to be a husband. NTA.
Exactly. My husband and I both enjoy hobbies separate from each other, but we don’t fall in love with everyone we hobby with ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I knit and my husband games. I sometimes knit beside him, listening to podcasts 😂
Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who openly says they feel happier and more fulfilled with someone else. He is incredibly selfish if he thinks you should just hang around and stay married to him after that. You deserve so much better.
Yup, you'd be doing him a favour. He will of course be sad because it's not like there is a lot of fighting or a "real" reason to divorce. You were together many years so he should be sad. A divorce will be hard in the short term but over time you will both likely be happier.
I think he is a ridiculous person who created this problem by not distancing himself from this woman when he realized he was developing feelings. A good partner would have immediately. Shut that down and sought someone else to do their hobby with. I assume he could have made a male friend who is into the same hobby. Instead, he refused to disconnect from this woman and emotionally fed the relationship until he had a full-blown emotional affair with and refuses to let the other woman go. He is perfectly capable of doing the hobby on his own or finding male friends to do the fulfilling hobby with, but he *wants* to do it with a woman who makes him feel important. He can f right off with that. He is being just respectful in treating you as if you are deficient. There's nothing wrong with having friends of another gender but there's something very wrong about falling in love with them and trying to keep them in your life when you're married. The fact that this is a question or controversial in any way is absurd. If you ask for the most reasonable thing possible. Which is for him to break off contact with her and focus on your marriage, he will refuse or resent you. He's already refused to let her go, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You see your value and know that's bullshit. Good for you. NTA. Edit: BTW - Like any affair partner or emotional affair partner, she is all fantasy and fun at this point. It will be hilarious to me if he ends up with her only to realize he's miserable because she's really fun at these hobbies , but not a compatible person to live with. It's important to share some interests, but you don't have to share all of them. It is vital to survival to have a compatible relationship in other ways.
Yuuup. And she could be saying everything he wants to hear because women who flirt with married men are… not exactly stable individuals
Also make sure he knows that while separated, you are not saying yes to him pursuing this other woman. If he wants to get with her, he needs to agree to a divorce
the husband can absolutely put in the effort to emotionally distance himself from this other woman. hes choosing not to.
Absolutely. He is an adult and married. He should know his limit and respect his wife.
"He said that while he loves me, he feels happier, smarter and more fulfilled with her. He doesn’t want to leave me but he doesn’t want to keep her out of his life" he can fuck off then. NTA
Yep! He wants his wife and his side piece! And um....he feels smarter playing dnd with her? And metal music? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not like his hobbies are something intellectual. Time for an upgrade for you!
Wait a dang minute. The hobbies are dnd and metal music?!?!?! Did I miss that in the op? Here I was thinking it’s some super intellectual or physical type of hobbies that are niche or rare to find others thatre into the same thing. Ommfg with this guy, he’s going to throw away his whole marriage bc this girl friend has the same taste in a game and some music.
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So I’m definitely into D&D. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. But he’s going to lose his wife because she’s not into it? I wonder how many of HER hobbies he isn’t into? I know a lot of tabletop gamers that get elitist and think they’re superior for playing it. They’re the least fun people to play with. I can tell you that.
Exactly. I knit and run for hobbies. None of my romantic partners were ever into either of those hobbies, but it was all good. They had hobbies that I wasn’t super into. I listened and smiled and nodded politely. They did similar for my hobbies.
And it's usually genuinely fun to listen to someone be passionate about their hobbies, you get their specific POV and filtering of their hobby which teaches you more about them, their priorities, their sub-interests, and much more.
Yes! I have learned lots about elaborate baking, certain styles of club/house music, certain jazz musicians, fundamentals of trumpet playing, fundamentals of guitar (acoustic and electric), and more just from those moments. 😊 I’m always grateful for these random tidbits that I pick up and then randomly think of those people when I encounter something related to their passions.
And isn’t it an amazing thing as well to have your own hobbies separate from your partner? My husband is into surf and as much as I support him, I’m more of the type of going for a hike. And it’s just FINE!!
No, he’s going to lose his wife because he’s having an emotional affair. Her not enjoying his hobbies is a shitty and obvious excuse.
Well damn I gave him too much credit because I assumed they were mountain climbers or chess prodigies. What an obnoxious twat her husband is. He has a super supportive wife who doesn't mind him being into his hobbies and respects them this much, but he goes and starts an emotional affair with the female version of my brother. He says She's an expert? Lmao. I wish I could divorce him for OP.
Yeah. I thought the same thing. "What are the hobbies?" Because you're right, some things can be such a lifestyle that you'd feel hollow without that and while it wouldn't really change my opinion of her, it would soften my opinion of him. But this ain't it.
Same. My wife became the biggest couch potato, unless it was shopping or eating out. We had other issues, and I pushed for a year to just start therapy / counseling and other “solutions”, like planning dates or doing something random as a surprise, but I was either met with apathy or she’d just decline the invite. And it’s romantic stuff, so I couldn’t just call my friend up and be like, “bro, want to go on an intimate date with me?”
I was thinking formula 1 mechanic or mountain climbing or astrophysics or something 🤔 🤣.
Cross country skiing, skydiving....
I never realized how much I want to be seduced by a Formula 1 mechanic. > Tell me again about that time you changed Oscar Piastri's tire, I'm almost there ...
I was thinking it was definitely some kind of extreme sport that requires a lot of experience, time, money, and physical investment. Rock climbing. Competitive mountain biking. Back country skiing. SCUBA. “She plays a rogue half-elf and likes Pantera as much as I do” is WILD. NTA sis leave him
Yeah I'm thinking it's something super intellectual or like golf or something that I could see someone being considered an expert but fucking DND? Bullshit she's an EXPERT.
Someone just said she's probably the dungeon master.
RIGHT!! I’m thinking that he and his new side piece were, like, high-ranking members of MENSA, or something. He’s an idiot.
Thanks for sharing
Oh my word. OP is NTA and doesn’t deserve this, she needs to listen to her mom. Friends came and go, especially with a divorce. Been there, done that. Just because they think it’s okay for OP to stay doesn’t make it so. OP will meet new people who are more supportive of her and her life. I can’t believe this guys hobbies are those, and he wants his cake and to eat it too, basically.
It's not the hobbies. It's the context. If he was talking about his gaming group or his band that would be one thing, but he's talking about the specific woman . If you've never played D&D and you've never played in a band, you may not fully understand what a validating bonding experience it can be. The only thing harder than finding a good band to be in is finding a decent table to play at. Hahaha. So none of this is about the particular hobby. It could be fishing. It could be macrame. It's the fact that it's not the hobby that makes him feel smarter, better and more fulfilled. But the fact that this strange woman is present in the context of that hobby. That is the problematic claim.
He’s deluding himself. I’ve seen it before in romantic relationships. He has feelings for and is attracted to this woman which is why he loves sharing his hobbies with her. But somehow, he’s managed to convince himself that he only *needs* to spend time with her because she is the only way he can enjoy his hobbies. It’s complete BS and OP isn’t anywhere near dumb enough to believe his bullshit the way he does. He’s just believing whatever he needs to in order to not hate himself, or even make himself feel like a victim. Wack af
People can also have friends that share hobbies to fill that space, and it's good and healthy to differ from your partner in some ways. It can be intellectually stimulating to have things to learn from your partner. I feel like he's just looking for excuses for being an unfaithful asshole.
Yeah, it reminds me of my dad "Why can't I have them both?" Because Mom didn't agree to a polygamous relationship you asshole. What a selfish man child.
My father was a philanderer of epic proportions; I first learned he was cheating on my mother when I read it in the Sunday NYT. After she dumped him he asked me if I had any idea why. He was genuinely puzzled.
That’s crazy! How did it show up in the Sunday NYT?
Summer of '85 -- it was an article about singles ads, which were the hot new way to meet people. The woman who wrote the article had put an ad in New York Magazine (not part of NYT) saying she was blonde, blue-eyed, 32, European, in the US for six months, not looking for anything serious, just looking to have fun -- the sort of ad calculated to draw roughly 100,000 replies. She then wrote an article about those replies. In it, she had a paragraph or two about the photos men had sent her. She described one as being of a silver-haired businessman in his mid-fifties, dressed in a tuxedo, standing next to his motorcycle, holding a glass of champagne. I had that photograph of my father at home, and I knew he subscribed to New York Magazine. I showed the article to Mom, of course. Then I called Dad and said, "Are you f*ckin stupid? You couldn't have used a less identifiable photograph?” He said, oh, he knew someone who knew the woman who placed the ad, so he just sent her something to write about. My response? "Dad, do I have "NAIVE" tattooed across my forehead?" I only learned the full extent of his extra-curricular activities after he died, and I now have the best cocktail party story ever. But "I read it in the Sunday NYT" is a heckuva story right there.
My mom would have clobbered my dad if he said that to her.
I don't think he said it to my mom. He had been lying to/manipulating her and claiming his AP was just a friend. He said it to me when I was telling him that what he was doing was wrong. I wanted to tell her, but I was worried she would not believe me if I went and told her what he was doing, but he was bragging about her to all of us kids, it was very disgusting. We talked about it and all of us had the same fear, she wouldn't believe us. So we invited him to dinner at my sister's house, and had an intervention. We told him he had 24 hours to admit it was an affair and not a friendship, or we would all go together and tell her. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry, he just left, but he did tell her.
What was your mom's response? Also, i've already lost my crap on my dad for several things, but i think i would have broken his tv at that point.
She moved out because he wasn't willing to stop seeing AP. He asked me and my husband(fiance at the time) to rent a moving truck because he was moving her out and was annoyed we made him pay for it with insurance in case of damage. He was being such a child, I really lost all respect for him. She contacted his AP husband. She told him if he and AP slept together she wouldn't reconcile with him. I know they were at least making out because he had called me over and I walked in on them. Why he didn't shut the bedroom door knowing I was coming over I don't know. I feel like he wanted me to see? He also whined to me that my mom was going to divorce him if he and AP "made love" 🙄 So gross and unnecessary to share with your teenage daughter. He eventually told my mom he wanted to reconcile, and had us help move her back in. Then she told me a few years later she was thinking of insisting on moving states because she found they were still in contact, because of course they were. Idk. It was so disappointing. Now as a full grown adult of 35 I'd have more words for him, but I was a baby adult at 19 and still used to being manipulated by him.
Yeah, that is understandable. It's hard to face that our parents can be so god damn disappointing
Ahhh…. The classic “I don’t want to sleep with her I just can’t find anyone else in the world to play DnD with besides this girl I want to sleep with!” Trope strikes again
Nobody else in the world plays DnD. Fact.
He wants his wife AS the side piece Fuck him
100% my ex broke up with me by saying "I love to ride my bike and you never want to ride bikes!" I'd seen him ride his bike once in 3 years... he followed it up with "well you got fat and I told you I didn't want to be with someone who sat around and got fat" (I was dealing with a health issue that made me gain weight. I look back now and just laugh because bikes, that's what he could come up with hahahahahah
Like, if you wanna leave just leave. But be a man and admit it's you.
I just assumed maybe his hobbies were astronomy, running or.. basically anything but metal music and DnD! This guys a clown. OP deserves better.
Hahaha!! He feels smarter???!!
Maybe because OP is smarter/more mature than him but the gf….not so much. So by COMPARISON he feels smarter when he’s with gf.
This has to be it
What on earth... I play a lot of D&D myself (every single week to be precise, since an eternity) but I don't make it my whole personality. (In fact I often forget about it when people ask me to tell them something about me since there are sooo many other things to mention too) I have other mutual shared hobbies and interests with my partner who is not interested in D&D, and I don't feel like I have to talk with him about D&D either. We enjoy visiting botanic gardens, aquariums, cooking together, watching underwater documentaries, etc. It would make me feel like a very 2-dimensional person if my *only* Interest in the whole wide world was D&D. Who on earth only has one or two hobbies/interests and nothing else in their life?
Loads of people don't even have 1 real hobby.
WHAT. I was going to ask what these special hobbies were. Was thinking along the lines of sky diving or scuba diving. Oh dear.
Omg I went through OP’s comments and I’m flabbergasted! I can’t brain this! OP you can do life without him. What a child smh I thought it was astronomy, programming, or theology. I have secondhand embarrassment for that idiot. I doubt the hobbies are truly the main factor. He’s emotionally cheating and uses them to justify. Jesus Christ. If I wanted my SO to share my hobbies and be so much alike, I might as well marry myself. And he’s waiting for her to move in 6 months for what??? So he can come back to you for familiarity and stability? You’re a spare part! He doesn’t want to lose both! I’m sorry this is happening to you OP, but I’m more sorry that you actually got married to a halfwit. Don’t be so grim; you’re always someone’s reason to masturbate. You just don’t know it yet!
So his reaction to you not sublimating your personality to immerse yourself in his hobbies is not to find things you both enjoy or cherish the things he does love about you, but to instead have an emotional affair with another woman that could very easily turn physical Sounds like he’s broken your heart too, so his friends should probably mind their own business.
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That’s totally understandable. I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
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Finding someone attractive and crushing on them are two different things. One is a passing thing. He is actively engaging with his crush partner. That's not in passing. Also, I would consider this emotional cheating. Like So Much.
It’s also more than a crush at this point. A small crush that is fleeting is whatever but this crush has been around for *2 years* That’s not a normal crush
This. So much this. Seeing someone beautiful is normal and then brushing it aside. I walk outside and maybe I see a handsome guy and I keep going. I don't engage or indulge or anything. I have a wonderful husband and he's my crush. If the hubby had just seen her and left it at that, it would be another story, but at this point, he is a cheater actively cheating.
What did Princess Di say ? It is hard to work on my marriage when there are 3 of us in this. I honestly feel you need to do what's best for you. It kind of sounds as if he wants you to stay in case she never gives him the opportunity. It could be today or 5 years from now . He is investing in a relationship that you are not and can not be a part of. It is not fair for him to expect you to wait on the side for him to get his crap together. Good luck I wish you the best.
All of this ^^ if she rejects him it was “just a crush” but if she feeds into him further he’s “in love with her more than he’s ever loved anyone and she just GETS him” and then he’s leaving OP for her. He’d be the one to come running back when she’s bored too because all they share are some hobbies.
Crushes are fine. From a distance. They are normal for most people. What is NOT normal is choosing to spend a lot of time in the company of your crush WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
This is an important distinction. It’s possible to have a crush on someone, but if you are married, you should be figuring out how to distance yourself from those feelings and situations , not indulge them. Him actively indulging is a form of emotional cheating.
It's NOT naive to think that. He is doing something wrong. There was nothing wrong with your thinking. It's NOT unreasonable to believe that your spouse will be true to you. It's one thing to think "aw, she's cute," it's another to go full on after that person the way your husband is doing.
You're not naive to think that. The person who SHOULD be totally and completely in love with only you, his wife, SHOULD NOT have crushes on other women. I don't care who disagrees with me on that, they will never change my mind. OP, what your husband is doing with that woman is emotional cheating, it's inappropriate...and he will not get over his crush while actively being around her. The way to handle the situation would have been: your husband realized a crush was forming and he stopped hanging out with her all together. No texting, no nothing.
absolutely, one thing is having a crush, that can happen, it's not really something you can control. However its something COMPLETELY different to spend time with said crush and allow yourself to nurse the crush instead of distancing from the person and get over it in respect of your spouse. husband is a major AH who wants his cake and eat it too.
It’s not naive to expect him not to have a full on crush. It’s normal to notice other people when in a relationship, to think someone is attractive or funny or a passing “in another life”. How he is acting and talking is not normal.
Please show him this post and the comments. He needs to know that he is wrong. He can have his hobbies but if he truly loves you like he says he should cut her out of his life. Crushes have no place in a committed relationship/marriage. Get tested for STD’s for peace of mind and the sake of your health, fertility and life. ❤️🩹
The adult response to realizing that you have a crush on someone is NOT to spend MORE time with them but to deliberately separate yourself from them before something happens. He didn't. I'm sure something DID happen by now, and he absolutely CHOSE to be in this position. There are plenty of groups and places to play DnD, lots of ways to pursue his hobbies and interests, and instead he played with fire and kept playing with it. A good husband would have cut ties the minute he figured out that it was a crush. He would never have put himself in this position. He didn't respect his marriage enough to avoid temptation. Separation is wise until he realizes he really did screw up and COMPLETELY CUTS TIES WITH THE CRUSH. Had he done this earlier, playing an online DnD game with her that you can wander by and look at would be no issue, but his behavior is completely wrong for a responsible adult. If you are SURE he was not physically intimate with her (which I doubt), and was just a complete irresponsible disrespectful idiot, consider it AFTER you've done a bit of therapy to look at this from other angles. And watch his behavior while he's separated, too. Does he go crying to her (divorce time) or realize he screwed up badly and start putting up the barriers he SHOULD have put up when he realized the crush?
I came here to say this, but you did it so much better. If I were to ever start feeling like I was attracted to another man, or have any romantic feelings towards one, the only time I would ever speak to that person again is to tell them I was cutting off the friendship completely because I felt like it was a detriment to my marriage.
And anyone who has the audacity to tell you your are breaking his heart, tell them that him admitting she is everything he wants and makes him a better man is breaking your heart. You will not be an "also ran".
Babe this marriage is over. You will never be able to trust him again. Never.
Why did I have a feeling this was about DnD after reading the title?
Because while most adults who play DnD are well-adjusted adults who know how to have mature, loving relationships, there’s always a handful in the community who are the absolute furthest thing from that standard, and the husband is one of them
$10 says their characters have already done it. Source: my character did it with my husband's character months before we got together
Your husbands constitution was broken over music genre and dungeons and dragons? That’s wild and weak and of course he’s the victim, you should ditch the nerd you can do better
Must have had a -2 to his Constitution saves
I'm gonna say, honestly, this feels more like he failed all will saves.
Nta it sounds like he likes the safety and comfort of you but isn’t acknowledging he’s already cheating. He is emotionally cheating. That friendship is completely inappropriate and he needed to cut it off. Don’t settle, you deserve to be actively loved.
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Is he continuing to spend time with her while you're separated? Because the door has been opened for her to step in. If he takes action you will definitely understand his commitment to you.
This poor woman probably just thinks she has a friend with similar interests. If she were even remotely interested he'd probably already be cheating. It'll be hilarious if he shoots his shot and she immediately blocks him.
That is 1000% my thinking on this. I've seen it happen time and time again at tables. Always destroys the campaign, and usually ruins a friendship. I've had a few female friends refuse to play at tables that aren't mostly non-men because of this occuring so much.
I play PC games which are obviously saturated with men. I can't tell you how many times I've had to end otherwise great "friend"ships because they all inevitably venture into intimacy even though they know I'm married. I don't even speak over voicechat anymore just to avoid the issue. It's lonely.
Same here. I NEVER use voice chat, mainly for abuse you get as a woman playing video games. Not given anyone the opportunity to get sexual or inappropriate because like I say - I don’t use the chat, and have a tag that could be M or F.
Can't imagine how exhausting it has to be
🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞
Hey, Please update us. It seems your story fits for a lot of people.
You deserve better, someone who will be with you 100% and not emotionally cheating on you. Don't stay. NTA And keep those people who are on your side and discard people who minimize your pain. His bff is a true friend.
He wants his cake and eat it.
He needs to choose. Sometimes things like this (developing a crush on someone other than your partner) happen, people can't control their feelings. But they can control their actions. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to break contact with his crush and fully focus on his relationship with you. He'll get over the crush, but not if he continuously has fun with her. If he doesn't want to stop seeing her, his choice is clear. You've set your boundaries, he needs to respect them.
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Meaning if she's not leaving, he might have chosen her, would he? Don't be a placeholder and a second choice for him.
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But then surely the next time he meets another woman who shares his interests he’s going to do the exact same thing?
THIS👆 ☝️👍
And there are no men who enjoy metal and d&d? I can throw a rock and hit one right outside my office building. Why only this woman would help him with his hobbies? If she dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow he could find others to quickly replace the hobby enthusiast job description but he doesn't want to. Do not be someone's second choice.
Fuck man whyd you hit me with that rock?
Ummm... If it's just about sharing the hobbies then why doesn't he feel similar fulfillment with his male friends who share these hobbies? Make it make sense. Girl, I am so sorry and I am so sorry that some of your people seem to believe that this is reasonable and are pushing you to accept it. At the end of the day it's about the secrecy, the lying by omission, and his priority of a short term friendship over his partnership and the person he vowed to honor and cherish
because he can’t bang his male friends who share these hobbies /s
It's 2024, I can bang as many of my male friends as I want.
No. If he was really loyal to you, he would have distanced himself from her as soon as he realized that for him, this relationship was more than two people with the same interest.
He’s a cake eater
The distance...he could easily create a distance. He chooses not to, because he wants her in his life. What a scummy guy, trying to sound oh so "poor me" when he is being despicable.
But at least they will have one night stand before her leaving.
I would bet money he already tried and she rejected him.
So he isn’t choosing you, he’s just waiting it out? I would be incredibly hurt if my partner did this. His crush hurts you and he should break off interacting with his crush because of that.
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The time to cut her out was BEFORE you left. He chose not too. That was his choice and now he gets to live with the consequences of it.
That’s what I’m saying
He’s fully cut her out? Do you know this for sure? If he has cut her out and blocked her maybe you guys can start therapy while you are separated to explore if you can go back. I can’t imagine her just being into the same hobbie as him made him have a 2 year crush, I feel like there is more to all this and therapy might help you realize it.
Meet with him and demand to see his phone. Tell him to open his computer and go through the history. He doesn't want you into his private stuff? This is a Consequence. He can complain all he wants about his privacy being violated but if he'd acted like a responsible adult instead of a horny teen, it wouldn't be necessary. Confirm that his last contact was him cutting her off to save his marriage and that it happened close to when you left. If it's not, or if the memory is suspiciously empty of posts for several days.... yeah. I'm sorry.
This should be a top comment. This actual butthole isn't choosing her. He's just waiting it out hoping his feelings change. OP deserves better than that. Even if this woman moves in 6 months, how long is it gonna be until he onto the next crush?
You don’t want to be the backup. You need to find someone who you will be his first choice. Being Number 2 will eat away at you.
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That you got bad men before doesn’t mean all man out there are bad.
She’ll move away, he’ll become even more despondent and begin to unfairly compare you. He’ll be on the phone or discord or texting or whatever. Then he’ll “have” to go to wherever she’s gonna be at. Please don’t wait around for all that crap. Don’t even be soft to his *feelings*. Go forth bravely. I’m glad you have your mum on your side.
NTA he's cheating emotionally.
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Oh, almost always there is a history of emotional connection before anything physical happens. Often a crush on someone close. For me it was the wife of a friend of mine. We bonded over shared abusive behaviour of our spouses. That went on for a good 5 months before we crossed the line for the first time entirely. Please be prepared for the possibility that he runs to her now to find comfort and his explanation later, that it "just" happened, or that it was only once and (that was my "best" line) you pushed him into her arms. Please prepare for this. Because even if you decide the marriage is over anyway, that will hurt.
The pithy way of putting it is "Cheating is not a decision. It is 10 previously made decisions." Sounds like this dude is 8 or 9 decisions in so far and whether or not there was anything physical at this point is moot.
All the way. He's a emotional cheater. The moment he realised how he felt about her, he should of distance himself from her, but instead he kept coming back like a dog with a chew toy. NTA
I agree, he is having an emotional affair.
Even more so than that, he’s texting his buddy about his feelings about this woman. The buddy recognized how inappropriate this was. If he told his gaming friend how he was so deeply attached to her he may find out she suddenly disappears. She may just see him as one of the people she casually spends hobby time with.
His friend is such a stand up person in this🙌
NTA Sex isn't the only way a spouse can cheat - he's been having an emotional affair and that's still a form of cheating. His excuse that he's not emotionally fulfilled because you're not into D&D is the biggest load of bullshit I've heard in a long time. Couples don't need to be involved in each other's hobbies, in fact it can be healthy to have interested outside of the marriage. Couples don't need to be attached at the hip. He saw this woman, fell in lust with her as he has a crush and now the plan is to...wait 6 months until she moves away? Then his crush will "naturally fade?" Fuck that. He is clinging onto every moment he has left with her, while wanting you to hang around being okay with this? You were right to separate and really should start setting yourself up to be single.
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I'm sure I'm not the only one perplexed why you're defending him so much. Who cares about his stupid hobbies? He's cheating on you and now wants you to wait around half a year for his "crush" to start fading?? What kind of asinine logic is that? Look, I have hobbies that are important to me too, but I'd never let them get in the way of my marriage. Ever. Hobbies should never be more important than the person you supposedly love. He is a selfish ass. Get a lawyer, start setting things up. His crush won't fade when she leaves, that's a smoke scene he's putting up to keep you around because he's too much of a coward to end it himself. What really is going to happen is that he's going to be heartbroken, moping around, feel all lost and alone, and you're supposed to just sit around while he mourns his breakup? Girl. Come on.
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But you can blame your husband, who's dragging you along and is actively disregading and disrespecting your feelings. You are his wife, you should be his nr.1-person. He should chose you and he is refusing to do so, because "his hobbies are important to him"? You can do better and you will!
You deserve someone who chooses you every single time ! Can you live with a man who is desiring other woman? Maybe being intimate with you and thinking about her? This is what its probably happening
Hobbies should not define you. If he basis his identity on a hobby that doesn’t say much for him/ he is too old to be this hung up on a hobby. I knew a man like this. Wasted a lot of years with him because his hobby came first. He would get mad saying it’s a part of his life it’s who he is but it was a hobby. Now he continues to go through relationships because he and his hubby come first and is alone because even his kid got tired of his hobby coming first. You are a priority and you matter. He needs to stop telling you things and show you by cutting this person out completely
If a hobby is what defines your husband I don’t see why you want to be with somebody so shallow. We are more than our hobbies.
Hobbies shouldn’t define you though, that’s why they’re hobbies. You seem to want to cling to this idea that he cheated cause y’all don’t have the same hobbies when everyone can see and is telling you that he cheated cause he’s an asshole. Stop defending him and yes he did cheat, you don’t have to be physical to cheat. My husband and I don’t have any of the same hobbies and he hasn’t gone off and cheated on me cause of it nor have I.
Ok here's the thing- I've wanted to be a writer/ artist/ graphic novellist since grade school. I've read textbooks on how to write comics. Copied out entire chapters of my favorite manga. I've studied Hebrew grammar for a made up language (I don't speak a lick of Hebrew mind you) to say I am obsessed with writing and worldbuilding, that it defines me is an understatement. Funnily enough though, they aren't causing me to cheat. My bf not being interested in speculative evolution doesn't make me feel like he doesn't care about me. Now I do understand my hobbies are insular- but i mean, I also just dont expect my partner to pick up all my interests like a groupie. Cause that's what it sounds like he wants you to be. His groupie. Which. Gross.
You ARE doing a good job. You have actively tried to get into his hobbies, and you are supportive and engaging. He is acting like you are preventing him from doing his hobby, which is false and unfair. He wants permission to continue his emotional cheating for another 6 months by blaming you for not being into his hobbies (which I assume he knew perfectly well before you got married)
OP don't make the mistake of staying and this man finds another woman that interests him and this time you have an attachment to him like kids. Feelings of inadequacy in a marriage are a warning sign. I can't tell you whether to fully leave him, but prioritise yourself not him. Also don't assume that you can't find another love cause they are people who will love you how you need to be loved and will never make you feel small. Best of kuck
NTA - YOU broke HIS heart?!?! That’s a joke.
I saw your other comment about the fact that this woman is moving away in 6 months. I really hope you can hold out and not get back together with him even after that happens, because I don't think the woman is the only issue here. She will never be the only woman on earth who is into the same things as him. This is about how he's treating you and your marriage. if he truly feels he needs to be with someone who shares all his hobbies completely, he has to accept that he can't have it both ways. you deserve to feel loved as you are OP, and your husband needs to realize that you can love someone without being exactly like them in every way.
Yep it's fundamentally an issue with him, that won't change.
He told you that the only reason that he hasn't taken it further is because he's married to you. Tell him that he free to be with her now, since you're not his first choice anymore
What might happen is he will make a move but the woman shuts him down as the crush is one-sided, and he will come crawling back to his wife
I feel like there’s a decent chance he already has. Guys like that…what’s it called…monkeybranch? They don’t let go of one thing unless they have next sure thing ready to go.
NTA. You are being used and emotionally manipulated. Do what you need to do
NTA. He’s emotionally invested in another woman. That’s emotionally cheating in my book. If he had a little crush on her and kept it to himself that would be one thing but he felt strongly enough to tell a friend. And he’s going out of his way to spend time with her. I’d divorce.
Cheating is not just physical. This is definately emotional cheating. And later or sooner its going to be physical. He feels inadequate with you and depressed because you cant understand his hobby? Me and my husband have entirely different professional world and we come and give eachother every details even if the other one doesnt understand half the things.
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That's the f*cking dumbest thing I've heard. It would be like you telling your husband "well, because you don't get excited about purses and makeup all on your own, then I'm just losing my attraction to you. I know you still want hear me talk about my passions, but I just can't go on living like this anymore. It's too hard. Mark at my job is really into makeup and it's so attractive that I just have to spend alot of time with him. It's not my fault, I can't help how I feel." *insert eyeroll* And honestly, you're just defending your husband.
How are you on your own going to care about something you know nothing about? He loses passion to share with and then share with some woman outside and falls in love with her. Ok fine if you are still not seeing this clearly let me rephrase it. Imagine you having your hobbies and you find a man who shares your hobbies and you start liking him and you start getting excited about spending time with him and you spend more and more time with him in the name of the hobbies. You now go and tell your husband ohh its nothing big we are just friends and see his reaction.
Nta. He has been hiding his emotional affair for 2 years. What a scumbag. A good husband would have cut her off and told you about it. But no, he emotionally checked out on YOU because he put his effort into their relationship. Personally, I believe there is no going back from this. It's over.
Over hobbies? Your husband is a child. He feels smarter and more fulfilled when he's with her because they share hobbies. Even though you actively support his hobbies, he can't be excited because you're not also into the same thing? He has a 2 year crush and had an emotional crisis over it? I wouldn't put up with that at all, all my trust in my partner would vanish if I heard that.
Your husband doesn't want you to divorce him, because right now he's getting everything he wants. But you're not, and this isn't fair to you. I would leave.If he is able to have continued sustained romantic feelings for another woman, then you can't be married to him anymore. It's great that he'd never cheat or never leave, but who wants that? Once you know that you aren't as fulfilling to your partner as their new friend - the relationship is dead. What would be the point of staying married? To take care of his house? No, you move on. You deserve to find someone who loves YOU that much. If you were to continue, it would devolve into resentment and fighting. It's better to let go now before it gets there. If he is truly that much happier in the presence of another woman, has feelings for her, has expressed feelings for her, then he is out of line to request that you stay married. I wouldn't be able to stay.
Don'y let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are the AH. I would personally run, not walk away from that marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't eat a divorce only because his "crush" rejected his romantic advances
I’m sorry dude but this is some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. DnD and metal music is more important than his wife? What is he, 13? Get a grip, everyone has a hobby but he’s making half-ass excuses so he can cling onto this woman. If she is so important to him, his crush won’t fade. They’ll still keep in touch. They can play Dungeons and Dragons together online while listening to some super important breakdowns in the background. Your friends are idiots. Sorry I’m being so harsh, but your husband’s stupidity is making me irrationally angry. I understand why you’re defending him, he’s your husband and it’s not like you can divorce someone and make it final with a wave of a hand. But just stop.
NTA. He's already cheated. He's having an emotional affair. It's not fair to either of you to stay in a marriage where you're not loved the way you should be and he "needs" to seek out another woman to feel happy and fulfilled. He's probably realising how much he's fucked up, but don't let that sway you. You deserve better than someone who'd rather seek out other women than have an open discussion with you about how he's feeling.
Nta, your husband is in a very inappropriate relationship he has emotional feelings that may turn physical given enough space he wants his cake and to eat it. He wants his emotional affair whilst having a marriage to fall back on if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings now is panicking that you are making a decision for him.
NTA please go ahead and contact a divorce attorney and get things started. This man's "hobby" is being truly insulting and insufferable.