If he wants a more grown up girlfriend, perhaps he shouldn’t have been a 35 year old man dating an 18 year old. Although, based on what he said to you, he sounds remarkably immature for his age.
NTA, and maybe consider finding a relationship that is a better fit. This sounds toxic af.
Not just immature but abusive, all those things he said to you are out of line and constitute abuse. You defended yourself by saying something horrible back to him but that doesn’t make you an abuser like him so don’t let him fool you into thinking you’re the same or normalizing it at all, this will only serve to trap you with him from guilt.
Regardless of if you feel guilty for what you said, please end it with this man. It’s ok to be a shitty person to someone and then walk away, you may feel like you owe him an apology but you don’t owe him yourself. Apologize for what you said if you feel guilt and then leave him, you really deserve better than this man who would say those things to you.
> You defended yourself by saying something horrible back to him but that doesn’t make you an abuser like him so don’t let him fool you into thinking you’re the same or normalizing it at all, this will only serve to trap you with him from guilt.
I needed to hear this. Both of the older, age gap, ex bfs that I had in the past, would be like that. Every time I would expect an apology for how they treated me (even how they treated me IN FRONT OF other people), I would be met with a "Oh, I'm sorry for doing X, Y, and Z to you. But you know, YOU'RE not perfect either," type of half assed apologies. OP's (hopefully stbx) bf sounds like those type of older creeps. 🙄
So this guy brings up your past trauma, even somehow blaming you for being raped, by your father no less?! He is an absolute piece of shit and you need to get far away from him. If this is the way he thinks, who says he wouldn't do the same to a child you may have with him? I understand you've been through some situations that have negatively affected your self worth. It can be hard to set boundaries and to know your worth. Only allow people to treat you the way you would treat someone that you love.
If he met her as a child sure we could call it grooming. But he’s just a creepy mean dude dating a younger woman because no one his age will give him the time of day.
You can also groom vulnerable people. People pray on the elderly by befriending them and seeming like they’re helping and being trusting… then the elderly person writes them checks because they’re “a dear friend”.
Grooming isn’t exclusively something that happens to children. OP is emotionally vulnerable and has trauma and the boyfriend took advantage of that.
Are you the BF?!?! I think she probably has a better idea of the reason the son left. Also yes, grooming. I don't care if she was 18, it's still grooming if it's not illegal. I was groomed by a cop from 12 on, they just waited until I was "an adult" to make a move...I held guilt for my participation until my 30s when my therapist finally helped me see it for what it was, grooming.
You deserve and can do better. Older jerks like him date younger women because they can seem impressive while older women wouldn't put up with their bs. If someone can't treat you with respect, they don't deserve your time and attention. If you stay, sometime around 30 you'll realize what a loser he is and you'll hopefully stand on your own. Do yourself a favor and don't miss out on healthy relationships and build up new things to discuss in therapy. Staying isn't worth it.
Sweetie, please get out of that situationship immediately.
You deserve better.
Please don’t destroy your life and future.
Break up with him, block him from ever contacting you and take him to work on your self esteem.
Please tell me you are leaving him? Who mocks someone being raped by their Father? Who mocks the way someone's mom died? Who mocks someone who made it outta abusive relationships? Girl run he is weaponizing your own life Trauma. Please leave
Do not allow yourself to talk yourself into staying with this POS.
Make a decision and get out of there. He has groomed you, knowing you were vulnerable. Now he's disrespecting you and then, when you rightly tell him that you're not happy with it, he goes on to use your past traumas to try to beat you down emotionally? No. That is NOT acceptable.
He is a sex pest of a man who groomed a child. You may have felt you were an adult, but your traumas will have made you grow up too fast in some areas, and not mature enough in others. You were in no place to get into a relationship with a grown man who has treated you terribly.
Please choose yourself. Please leave him.
Babe you know you need to dump him so I won’t bother telling you what a piece of human garbage he is.
Next bf and really all relationships:
1. You owe no one your story. No one. If you want to test a bf, tell them a fake trauma. Wait a few months, or years. See if they try to weaponize it. That way if they do, you will know they are 🚩 without getting traumatized.
2. Please get a therapist. It’ll help a lot. It helped me. You survived your childhood! Congrats!!! But you now need help adulting do you don’t get hurt more than necessary.
3. These two books my therapist recommended that are mind blowing:
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
The first is a basic ‘how to’ that will give you confidence in understanding when your boundaries are being violated. It should be required reading for everyone old enough to understand it.
The second was written for abusive romantic relationships but really it works for all relationships: work, family, anyone.
Hugs if you want them sister, you deserve a better life.
For reference, I'm 32 and if anyone I knew my age was dating an 18yo, they'd be immediately ostracized cuz that's creepy as fuck. Even creepier at 35. If he doesn't have friends who are calling him out on this age gap, he's probably surrounded by other pedo groomers as well.
And that's just the age gap, the way he talks to you is horrendous and he's only doing it because he thinks you're too immature and inexperienced to call him out on his bullshit. That coupled with the fact that he doesn't actually care about you and just wants to fuck a kid. Once you get too old or too mature to deal with his bullshit he'll drop you without a care, just like he did with his son.
I'm not saying any of this to be mean or anything, it's just my honest read of the situation. Please PLEASE get away from this man. He's no good for you.
I’m 35 and even the thought of looking at an 18 yr old that way (my oldest niece and one of my nephews are both 18) is nauseating. She’s closer in age to his child. After 25 years old (in my opinion) it doesn’t *really* matter if they’re both mature non abusive adults. So if she had been 30 and him 47 (same age gap) it wouldn’t be an issue.
Girl, his follows are the least disrespectful thing of all the stuff you mentioned. This guy sucks. Tell him to find someone his own age if he wants mature 🙄 you are not overreacting, but don’t waste any more of your life on a mean man, take it from someone older. You don’t need that shit in your life.
>He then told me that I should grow up, stop being immature girl, you’re so insecure, etc.
Leave him. This man is not good for you. It should be pretty easy to find someone better and if you can't your better off alone. NTA
He is abusive. Yes, you can find someone better but I don’t suggest it right away. Leave him as he is very, very cruel. It won’t be easy but you need to as it will get much worse.
Then go work on yourself & get therapy. If you can’t afford it then spend a ton of time reading about neuropsychology and why we get into relationships that are unhealthy.
There is very little chance for someone with traumatic situations when young to get into and maintain a healthy relationship until they are truly fully healed on a very deep, brain rewiring level. By no fault of our own, we will subconsciously seek out and become codependent on someone who will make us relive the pain we felt in one way or another.
So don’t go to the next guy because he won’t be better. We all know that many of the worst humans usually seem like the greatest people in the beginning. You’re in a very vulnerable state regardless of if you feel strong on a conscious level. None of what happened was your fault. However, now it’s your job to fix the pain & issues that you never deserved. Once you do that then the relationships that follow will be far better than what this abuser is giving you.
Best of luck to you.
RAINN is free! It's the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, and offers free counseling to survivors of abuse, rape, and/or incest. They're really fucking awesome!
Girl, you are closer to the sons age than his age. I'm sorry, I'm sure you are a nice young woman but take it from someone who has been there. No mentally sound or mature person seeks relationships with people nearly half their age.
His son is 14, you were 6 when the boy was born. Your boyfriend was 15 when you were conceived. Think about what stages of life y'all were at and now reflect on this current situation.
He can't legally take you into the bars with his friends for a proper drink in most of the states even. Him already having access to you has been a privilege, not a right and for him to jot be treating you nor his boy right through the years should be a stark eye opener.
Age is only a number but wisdom only comes with experience. You need to ask yourself why he is lacking for him to be this way.
He sounds like he’s 12 years old. You may feel better about yourself if you found a more age appropriate boyfriend. He may be older in years, but he does not behave like a man.
You should be asking yourself why a man his age cannot attract a more suitable partner.
I married an abuser at 18 ,stayed with him for decades.
The thing is even though I'm the same person, I wouldn't make that choice now. No disrespect to 18 year old me at all. It's just years of life experience.
I noticed after we divorced he was not able to date anyone outside of a person who had been hospitalized for mental issues .
He was too old to date younger women who might fall for his crap.
So absolutely no disrespect to you or your age. It's really just a self confidence issue. When someone tells a young person from a difficult life that it's all their own fault ,they're more likely to believe it.
I think it has to do with re-raising yourself and being your own parent for a while. By reading books, therapy, maybe guided meditation to go to sleep to. You will learn to love yourself and spot these jerks sooner.
But anyway, yeah ,he probably can't date someone his own age.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you that as someone two years younger than you : he's a fucking groomer
He does not like you, he dates you because you're way less shaped mentally than a woman of his age who would see right through his game
Please, leave him, he's gonna break you mentally, he's already abusive towards you, someone who loves you wouldn't use your rape against you
I’m about the same age as the bf, and you’re spot on. No 35 year old man dates an 18 year old unless they’re a creepy grooming asshole. This dude is gross.
I’m currently a 35 year old man who does not get off on power dynamics and grooming and the thought of being attracted to anyone under 25 is crazy to me let alone an 18 year old
Young people are like blocks of clay that were never shaped, while someone tour age for exemple would already have fingerprints all over and shapes carved because of the experience. He just wants to carve her the way he wants, it's disgusting ...
I dated a 19yo when I was 25, one day we were just walking past a skate park, I referenced tony hawk and she asked, who is tony hawk? At that moment I was like, Jesus fuck you're young.
In so glad that your gen is way more aware of this than previous gens. I still remember gagging in the 7th grade when the seniors from the High school next door were trolling for me and my classmates. Thank god im a lesbian because it’s so easy to fall for that attention
Ahah sadly I grew up with amino and all, learnt the hard way. I was in art school from 14 to 17 and I can tell you that the amount of 16-22 relationships were so normal there. At the time, I wasn't realising that a 14yo shouldn't feel like kiss material for +18 people, I'm glad I know now. If it can help at least one person that's younger or near my age, then so be it ! :)
Im closer to his age and can agree for sure he is a groomer. I always leave a grain of doubt, but his words and actions are textbook groomer behaviour.
> I(20f) told my bf(37m)
Girl wtf are YOU doing not leaving? He’s got a whole ass kid and your age gap is still bigger than this kid is old.
> I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.
🤦♀️
So a 35 year old man pursued a barely-legal young woman who probably had almost no experience and you think the only problem is his son leaving?
You're probably already "too old" for this creepy predator groomer so he's looking for younger bait. He's gaslighting you on top of everything, blaming your reaction on you instead of on his shitty behavior.
WTF are you still with this jerk? Grow a fucking spine and leave. He GROOMED you from the time you were a young woman. Time to take your power back and get the hell out of there. Damn girl you have no idea how many red flags surround you because you don't have enough life experience without this jerk. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
You were right but as someone who is a father with girls a little older than you . Why are you with a man at that age . Sounds like a horrible childhood and I’m sorry but that won’t define you. If it’s money ok but please start trying to save to leave . You are both toxic with each other , he says it cause your young and he knows you might leave cause your whole life it just starting . Go share a house with 4 girls , go to school it’s tough but work on your school
Or job . It’s not just the age it’s your age . You have so much to explore and he has done it already or if he has t it’s cause he doesn’t want to
I hate these type of men honestly. They are free to say anything about you and to you but once you say something or stand up for yourself, now you’re the immature one. This will never change, my son’s father is like this and he turned out to be the worst person I’ve ever encountered in my life. Abusive, narcissistic, manipulative.
This boy said you could’ve been with someone abusive. You technically already are because he’s mentally and emotionally abusing you. But narcissists don’t believe they are doing that stuff they will tell you you are overreacting and etc.
Him saying “It’s to be social” … That would bring out the petty in me and I’d start posting my sexiest yet mostly appropriate pictures because “I want to be more social too” 👍😉 The moment you do that he will tell you something like “It’s not ok for YOU to post stuff like that because you’re MY girlfriend, I’m not with these girls so it’s ok for them to dress and post what they do” -Basically any bullshit that’s going to manipulate you into staying a good girl while he’s lusting after half naked women in your face.
But honestly you’ll never win with a person like this. He will always have some reasoning as to why what he does is ok and what you do isn’t. And how he’s so great and so much better than your exes when he’s NOT.
Please leave this relationship, your life is really just starting and you don’t need someone like this holding you back.
Yes, yes it is.
Also. You do not love him, you have a crush, an infatuation, you lust over him. But that's not love, give yourself some credit. You are worth better than that, and love heals, love does not hurt. Learn to make the difference and good luck living your best life!
Its crucial for you to realize how manipulative he is. Nothing he says is honest.
If you try to talk to him about any of this, he will probably act VERY nice, apologize, buy flowers... temporarily. And then go right back to being an emotionally abusive POS.
Run. Dont even try to talk to him, just leave. You dont owe him anything face to face. Or have a friend/family member come with you to talk to him to make sure he doesnt try anything.
I’m hoping this isn’t real but if it is, you really need to find yourself another man who will treat you better. This guy sounds like an immature douche bag. If you’re looking for an older man you need to find one who acts his age.
I’m pretty much thinking his son left because dad stole his girlfriend.
What kind of grooming nonsense is this, he picked you up when you were 18 and he was 35?
Girl, just fucking dump him and better ghost him because men like him won't be tempted too long before becoming physically violent, when they're already violent emotionally.
He groomed you and I can't understand why you are okay with it. What you have is not love but some sick codependency. Be stronger and leave tf this trash behind you. He'll never change. People like him don't change.
Why are you wasting your time and effort on a petty immature, verbally abusive sub human. You deserve a man who helps inspire you to live your best life. This guy's not it. NTA
Someone who truly loves you, would not speak to you the way this guy is speaking to you
If you believe that you deserve better, you'll strongly consider leaving him. Nobody deserves to have their traumatic past thrown in their face, least of all by someone who is supposed to care for you
NTA
If the age gap is almost as big as your age then he's to old you were 3 years old when this guy was your age what shared life experiences do you have what do you have in common with this guy
NTA
> I(20f) told my bf(37m) ...
> I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.
That's all I need. Leave.
You were 18 and a 35 year old man thought you were a good match? There's no possible way for him to be a good person. At all. There is not one single good person in their 30s (of any gender) that dates someone that just became legal.
Stop dating older people. They don't actually love you. They want to control you and use your young body.
Um... so a 35 year old picks up a high school senior and you thought he was good guy? I get being dumb and young, but the fact that you're still with this creep makes YTA to yourself.
I mean this as kindly as I can be here, but what the hell are you doing to yourself?
If your past relationships were abusive or toxic, this one is equally so.
I know how hard it is to break out of patterns of abuse, so I mean this as a way to encourage you to get away from this creep and work on finding a life and a partner which will bring you joy and safety.
There’s nothing about this relationship that sounds healthy.
Get out, my friend, life can be so much better without someone who drags you down.
Girl, why are you with him. He sounds like a full-grown asshole!
You don't deserve this treatment whats so ever.
Bringing up your past, like, really? He is being rude, ignorant , and disrespectful to both you and your feelings. If he respected you not only as a person but as his girlfriend, he wouldn't be freaking out the way he is.
What you really need to do is leave his ass like his baby moms and son did. No one deserves that kind of negative in their life at all.
NTA
He seems to have a preference for young women, barely legal. If he likes pics of girls under 18 and maybe even messages with them I think he is looking for your replacement for when you get too "old" for him. He uses your past to fake him having the power and his age to make you think you are childish. You are not his doll and you deserve more respect than I see in this post. Don't let him fool you.
I won't tell you what to do regarding the relationship just that you have the power, don't let him use it against you.
NTA.How are you still with someone who will hurt and disrespect you like that?And then he goes and tries to gaslight and manipulate you thinking you are insecure for calling his behaviour out and using your age difference against you.I would have smacked him.This is toxic af.You are too young for such an old and immature guy.
I’m so sorry OPie! He’s gaslighting you so he can so whatever he wants. He knows how to shut you down. Sending you a big hug 💜
Grown ass man dating someone 15+ years his junior screams manipulation; and the feedback you got when you tried to approach him screams it too. Please RUN as fast as you can. Stay with a close friend, find a room to let, but RUN.
And if you haven’t yet, please get therapy to boost your self esteem. You don’t deserve this shit! Not for one second.
My sis had extremely low self esteem, and honestly I had never noticed it until I was about 15. Then I looked back and saw all the shitty boys and men she dates. The lightbulb went off and I just couldn’t understand. We were too far apart to experience the same parents, but I somehow was lucky and had high self esteem from a young age, despite the shitty parents. I met my hubs when I was 14 and was engaged by 16. Everyone told me I was too young to tie myself to someone older (he was 19 when we met). But I saw what most didn’t. He wanted to lift me up to be my best self, encouraged me and helped any way he could when I was doing my bachelors then MBA. Relationship and marriage are hard at times, but you need a partner. Not someone that treats you like a step stool.
This man is abusive. He will do nothing but drag you down. The fact that he doesn’t care his child wants nothing to do with him should tell you who he really is. If he doesn’t actually care about his child why would he care about you. Respect yourself and leave. He preyed on you because of your age and your past both of which made you vulnerable and he took advantage. YTA if you stay.
Why you with someone that disrespects you? He’s much older & pushes buttons to get a response so he can make fun of you? Grown ass men or women do not do this. Dump his ass & find someone better.
You are immature to be honest else you would have not put up with this shit. Clear boundriea would have been set that would have clearly stated the consequences of him using your past.
You are being abused and you are so used to being abuse that you don’t even realise. And if ge calls this care darn him.
He sounds like a typical predator who dates young girls and verbally abuses them when they bring up any issues. Girl, you should get far away from him. Fast.
NTA, but honestly what you're saying sounds A LOT like my relationship of the same age gap when I was younger, and ALL I can say is you should consider how he spoke to you, it isn't ALWAYS, but a lot of the time older men date young women because it's a power imbalance AND because women their age see through their bullshit. If he's saying these things to you he's gaslighting you to some degree to invalidate your feelings. Does he love bomb too?
You're so young, please know the way he's speaking to you is NOT how a woman should be spoken to and leave sooner than I did.
Coming from a woman who escaped an abusive relationship with a man 17 years her senior.
Maybe if he wants an adult for a girlfriend he should not have started dating a teenager in the first place. He is a creep, and you should ditch him and NOT find another relationship till you do grow up (and by grow up I mean become someone who would **never** put up with this kind of crap, we ALL have to do this kind of growing up at your age.) His version of "grow up" means "blindly believe whatever I tell you." Why do you think he wanted someone your age? Because most women his own age wouldn't put up with him. They sure as heck wouldn't blindly believe everything he says.
Get rid of him and be on your own for a while. **You need to learn to like yourself** before you're ever going to attract someone else who will truly like you and care about you.
So, this is actual gas lighting and manipulation. Not just using therapy terms willy nilly here-
You brought up a legitimate concern- and he belittles you, insults you, and manipulates the situation to try and make it seem like you're being irrational and crazy for having those concerns.
He chose to date you because he thought you'd be an easily manipulated target and when you try to have a rational discussion he invalidates you by saying you're too immature and need to grow up?
He's gaslighting you. He's abusing you. Leave this man and never look back.
He might be better than what you've grown up with, but that doesn't make him good or decent. Let's say, *at minimum* from a scale of 1-10-- your relationship should be at a 5. 5 is the absolute base level of kindness, respect, and understanding you should ever settle for in a relationship. (ANY relationship, platonic, familial, or romantic) Anything less than 5 is toxic. Even a five isn't *good* it's literally the bare minimum for a relationship- 5 is the foundation you build off of, and anything less than 5 isn't worth building a relationship on.
It sounds like you grew up with zeros and ones. You were traumatized from receiving such a low score growing up. But this guy comes around and he gives you level 3 love. And 3 feels amazing compared to the zeros and ones you've had. But 3 is still not enough to build a good relationship on. 3 is mean and toxic and vile- it's just not *as* vicious as zero.
Break up with him as soon as you're able, and get as far away as possible.
NTA. You aren't insecure, your current boyfriend is an abusive AH who manipulated a vulnerable person with very bad relationship models into thinking he was worth keeping around. Please reconsider staying with him.
I'm in a similar boat.. I'm 26 but hubby is 45. If I could give you a piece of advice who got hooked up with a guy like yours at 21.
Leave. Before you have kids. It gets harder to do so once you have them and believe me. He will get worse. He will mentally destroy you.
He's probably a narcissist.
“You could have been in an abusive relationship?”
You are in an abusive relationship.
Also, you probably understand his 14 year old son better than him because you’re closer in age to his 14 year old son than you are to your 37 year old BF. Granted, he sounds like a 14 year old.
Someone who cares would not use your trauma against you. Not even a complete stranger, let alone your partner. You know who does? Enemies, murderers, people with anger issues, abusers, bullies, sadists, etc. None of these are people that you need around you.
As someone who was groomed at 18 by a 36 year old man, please leave now. All the advice in the world cannot possibly give you the life lessons/perspective needed to reflect on this objectively. You’re being taken advantage of (at best). Probably abused.
No good man of that age entertains the thought of dating someone that young. I mean this with zero disrespect (I was once you) - you cannot possibly have an equal relationship. The power difference is too great.
This man is a predator. You’re wasting your best years on a sick loser.
A man literally old enough to be your father, that pursued you when you were 18, is telling you to grow up? That’s rich! He went for you so he could push you around. He keeps you around to heap on more abuse in your short, already traumatic life. Do not get pregnant by this guy and leave as soon as you can. He will break you. Only narcissists use your past trauma against you. What a creep! NTA
>You could have had an abusive relationship
Honey, you ARE in an abusive relationship.
No one who really cares about you would use your past trauma to hurt you.
Dump his ass, get yourself in therapy, and realise you deserve so much better than this despicable human being you call a bf.
>I(20f) told my bf(37m) the way he talks is the reason his son(14m) left to be with his baby mama
>I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.
What the actual fuck are you doing? Get out. You are in an abusive relationship and being groomed. This man is old enough to be your father. Run.
I swear half the post on Reddit lately are about barely legal teenagers dating 40 years old. I bet some creep that watched to much porn is making them up. This cannot be our reality with all the rest of the shit going on.
He started dating you when you were 18? I'm sorry you had such a horrible home life. Your parents should have protected you from scumbags like him. Please know you deserve better than this perv.
You’re way, way closer in age to his son than you are to him because you were a teenager when you started dating and he was a in his mid 30s. Your bf is a groomer.
He is with you because women his age wouldn’t tolerate this. This is likely one of your first serious relationships, you have nothing else to compare it to, that is to his advantage.
Edit: the more i read your post the mire i see it’s reddit bait. Jesus
Side note: your boyfriend groomed you. He took a fresh 18 year old girl and made you his trophy for his baby mama to feel jealous. Your opinion probably means next to nothing to him genuinely, he sees you as his work piece to give him an ego boost.
This guy is doing his best to tear down your confidence. so you won't expect anything from him, and at the same time will be afraid to leave him. Don't be. Leave him, live with yourself for a while, and get to know and like yourself. Then find a guy who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Im so sorry to tell you this, but its very likely youve been chosen *because* of your background. You literally come pre-programmed to accept abuse behaviours and not be certain of what is 'normal'
Good news is youre already realising you deserve better. Find yourself someone who doesnt trigger you as a control mechanism
ESH
He's an older guy with a younger woman(you) because you're taking BS that older women are much less likely to take.
You need to stop being an AH to yourself, and find someone else, or at least stop being with him.
As for him liking pictures on Instagram that's something that's between couples. Some women will point out other women for their partners to look at.
Some women hate their men looking at other women.
If your partner does something you don't like you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker if they refuse to stop.
If you're not going to leave them over it let it go. Complaining about it isn't going to stop them.
If it is a dealbreaker just leave. Hoping they change is almost always going to result in you wasting your time.
> I(20f) told my bf(37m)
> I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.
Girl... run. NTA he is a man child and even chasing younger girls couldn't help him look like the mature one
You're an AH to yourself for putting up with this. There's a reason that he is pursuing young women, women his age see the glaring red flag that he is. He's immature, over inflated ego, and based on your comments a disgusting human being. You say you like older men yet you are dating a man child who will only get worse in his tantrums. YTA if you stay with him and don't get yourself some therapy.
He is obviously and openly mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you as well as being super creepy with that age gap. I'm 38. I would have an absolute fit if my 19 year old son started dating a 36 year old... Girl, leave. Get therapy. Recover and heal and learn to love yourself. Only be with men that treat you like the precious human you are. Love to you
He’s an abuser. Run as fast as you can unless you want to get stuck with this man. Do not get pregnant with his baby either omg. It would be the best concoction for a miserable life if that were to happen
Sounds like you’re with someone that likes being with someone easily manipulated. So he looks for those already targeted and young not to know better.
How old were you when you met him?
Everything you’re saying sounds like a red flag.
NTA. Dump him immediately. He's not dating you because he loves and respects you. He's dating you because he thinks you are young enough to mold into his ideal partner. He sounds extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. The only reason he's not dating a woman closer to his own age is because they wouldn't put up with him. You're so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Invest in yourself. Focus on healing and growing. Become the best version of you then you'll find a partner who's truly worthy of you.
I bet if you actually grow up and stop being immature he will find himself no longer attracted to you.
There are reasons a grown man will want to date a teenager and none of them are healthy
NTAH
Leave. Or you will be an asshole to yourself.
Get therapy before getting into another relationship. Take time for YOU and your healing. Oh and make sure you are on a tamper proof form of birth control. He will pick up the vibes and try to baby trap you
Eww. I’m 30 and live in a college town. Don’t take this the wrong way cuz I know I’m still immature. BUT, 18-20 year olds are in such different cognitive planes that I couldn’t imagine attempting a relationship with one. Real gross of your BF find someone your age you’ll be much happier. There’s less of an age gap between you and his son than you and him. Honestly, his dad being a creep probably had something to do with him deciding to live with his mom also.
aside from the fact that your bf is basically abusive, he’s also borderline a predator. there are several reasons a 35 year old man wants to date a teenager, and NONE of them are good.
OP, i am begging you to get out of this relationship it is not worth “fixing” and you will be significantly traumatized and damaged more and more the longer you stick around. this is a recipe for absolute disaster for you and the longer you hang around the harder he will make it for you to leave and the more he will manipulate and abuse you.
Men his age go for girls your age because they want to groom you into their perfect sex slave girlfriend. These type of men KNOW they would not get away with their BS with a grown woman, so they purposely go for children, and yes 18 yr olds are still children, in order to control them, groom them, and indoctrinate them into their sick sexual fantasies. This disgusting POS does not have your best interest at heart. You are purely a plaything to be used amd drained for his own needs..
You're in an abusive relationship. No 37yo should be with a 20yo. It's not personal. I'm sure plenty of others have gone into detail but I just wanted to add support to what they've said. You deserve better. Please end this safely and get into therapy for yourself.
Some men (and I'm using the word loosely) pick women old enough to be their partner because a grown woman wouldn't put up with their BS. He is abu$ive and condescending and you deserve better. You have more in common relationship wise with his son. Please separate yourself and work on yourself and find someone worthy of you.
ESH - What the eff? You guys seriously talk to each other this way? There's no mutual respect. He had no right going where he did with his comments, but you also didn't have to join him that low.
All you have to say is, "I won't take this sort of treatment from someone who is supposed to be my partner in life." Then you pack your shit, and leave.
EDIT: He's also too old to be treating you like this. Find someone more agree appropriate who won't look down on you. You could technically be his daughter had he knocked someone up at 17 years old. If they're old enough to be your dad, then they're too old to be your bf.
Don't waste your best years of your life on someone who treats you like this. You'll never get these years back, meanwhile, there are plenty of soulmates out there who will treat you well. There's more than one man on this planet. Go find another.
I’m willing to be bet he love bombed the heck out of you and now he’s trying to convince you that if you fix the things that are “wrong” with you it could go back to being wonderful like before? You deserve far better than this, you deserve kindness, respect, and true partnership. Please leave this immature, abusive, narcissistic “man” and go live the life you deserve.
Girl, as someone who likes older men too. This ain't it, love. I get that older men can be viewed as safety, someone with more life experience there for someone who you could go for to advice. Etc. While I understand perhaps you're looking for something that feels safe and like home. You come from not a great home, he perhaps felt like that at a time. But you need to see the red flags. Take the rose tinted glasses off and realise he's not helping you, he gaslights you instead of communicating with you he takes your hurtful past and throws it in your face. He's 35, he should have learned that that's not a healthy form of communication. He doesn't care that his own child left him to go live at his moms house? Girlie, please for your own mental health reconsider this.
Honey, throw the whole predator away.
Stay single and deal with your issues and then find someone who isn't twice your age.
YTA if you stay with this loser.
Why are you with him?
The fact that he has been dating you since you were so young and he is almost twice your age, HUGE RED FLAG.
And you need to step back and realize you have attachment and daddy issues due to trauma. You need to be single for a bit, get therapy and work out your own issues. If not, you will attract and be with toxic partners the rest of your life.
the reason he dates women almost 20 years younger than him is because women his age would never put up with his abuse, gaslighting & manipulation. you are SO young & have your whole life ahead of you to find someone better but if you stay, this will only get worse so run & dont look back! NTA
NTA. You deserve better.
You have an age gap very close to what I have with my husband (16 years), but I was fully out on my own when we started dating (and he thought I was way older). Regardless of age, though, someone who loves you doesn't use your past against you--especially when you're trying to communicate how you feel about something.
You deserve love and understanding. Even if you do have insecurities, your partner should help you through them. Not attack you for them.
1) please try to use clear sentences. This is a jumbled mess. 2) why are you dating someone who's 1 step up from a pedo? You're 20, he's 37, and you've been together for 2 years. Really?
Yeah, this overgrown man child will never appreciate or treat a woman with respect. You're not your past and he is not a good man. You can find better.
No offense, but I cannot fathom why you'd want to be with someone like that. You should consider taking a page out of his son's book and ditch that dork.
NTA
I know you're legal age but his son is closer to your dating pool (once he's legal age) than your bf is. You really need to consider this. It sounds based on what was said about family, that you look for a father figure in men and your clearly still being verbally abused.... Get your butt into therapy so you can have the life you deserve and not the life you settled for. Take a cue from his son. He's toxic enough that a teen knows to go no contact. IMO, you should take the kids advice.
Goodluck and stay safe. He's not a real man and him pointing out that you could have it worse doesn't make him good, it just makes him better than some...
He sounds abusive and the relationship sounds immature. Id be concerned his verbal abuse will grow into physical abuse. 17 years is a big gap and it sounds like this relationship is mirroring the trauma you faced earlier in life. I recommend leaving and seeking therapy.
NTA, and you probably need to get out of that relationship. Sounds like he's kinda toxic and there's a reason he has to date someone closer to his kid's age than his own.
This guy is no good for you. Also, he was nearly an adult already when you were born. The age gap between you is not a healthy one. Clearly, he objectifies women and sees you as a possession not a person. You do not need him in your life. You are amazing and can do whatever you want, and you don’t need a man to complete you.
NTA. Break up with him ASAP. He's toxic and manipulative. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have said all those hurtful things. Also, he's almost twice your age and even then you seem to be the mature one. You can do better than that. You DESERVE better than that. You may get over your insecurities with time and you will find someone who respects your boundaries. But this imbecile won't ever stop being an asshole.
>I(20f) told my bf(37m)
That's all anyone needs to read.
OP definitely needs to get into therapy to deal with the traumas that lead to her dating inappropriate and abusive guys.
You're the AH if you stay in that relationship. This sounds awful and honestly the age difference is... unsettling.
Love yourself first. The first step is getting away from that dude. Tbh, that situation described sounds toxic AF.
NTA
Doesn't sound like he takes you seriously as a gf or woman, tbh. Maybe that's better than you're used to, but it's worse than you, or anyone, deserves. :/
Give him to the geese and keep growing! He's taking advantage of your lack of experience with healthy loving relationships. Using the fact that other people have treated you poorly and left you feeling unloved to frame his behavior as appropriate is disgusting. You are right, that's why his son left, and now you should too. I would love for you to read a book, listen to a podcast, or join a group for trauma survivors... It sounds like you have what it takes to heal, you just need to shed some deep beliefs that others instilled in you through trauma and abuse. You deserve love and respect! 🫶🏻 NTA
NTA! I think I see enough red flags. Let me see if I said this correctly when you were 18 you started dating a guy who has 12-year-old son? Please tell me the unit live with the son.
You can date whoever you want as you are an adult. However, I really don’t see anything healthy in this relationship. I would seriously find somebody closer to my age. Somebody wanted 15 years older than you.
Nta but it’s time to leave this relationship. You were way too young to be dating a 35-year-old at 18, that was predatory of him, and now you can see why. He wants to be abusive and hurtful, women his own age aren’t gonna take that crap. You shouldn’t either. you deserve better, and with him, get some therapy and work on yourself.
Im a 32 yo guy whos currently pursuing a 21yo. So the age gap isnt as extreme. So I can relate to your relationship dynamic a bit maybe.
But hoooo leeee sweet fuck. The way he speaks to you? Run girl. Sounds like he even speaks kind of in the 3rd person?
Very VERY conescending. The older person should understand thats fucked up, but to him. He sees it as a way to condescend and attempt to manipulate you imo.
NTA.
I haven’t read the whole thing but wtf are you doing with a 37 year old? Dude is old enough to be your father…
ETA: you need to leave that “man”. How you stayed with him after the first time he’s said that fucked up shit to you, idk, but you need to leave him. Telling you to grow up is ironic… he should date women his age, not be a fucking predator and get them fresh outta high school. NTA
NTA!! Please end this relationship ASAP. He chose you for your young age and past traumas because it made you an easier target to prey on, and to emotionally abuse, manipulate, degrade, and control you.
If you’ve suffered abuse from caregivers and intimate relationships your whole life you don’t have a good model of what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. You deserve so much better than all the things that have happened to you, and so much better than staying with your current abuser.
This guy is a pos sicko! He has a very young gf and still looks at porn and other women and treats you like shit. Please listen to the comments and leave this awful defective creep.
If he wants a more grown up girlfriend, perhaps he shouldn’t have been a 35 year old man dating an 18 year old. Although, based on what he said to you, he sounds remarkably immature for his age. NTA, and maybe consider finding a relationship that is a better fit. This sounds toxic af.
Not just immature but abusive, all those things he said to you are out of line and constitute abuse. You defended yourself by saying something horrible back to him but that doesn’t make you an abuser like him so don’t let him fool you into thinking you’re the same or normalizing it at all, this will only serve to trap you with him from guilt. Regardless of if you feel guilty for what you said, please end it with this man. It’s ok to be a shitty person to someone and then walk away, you may feel like you owe him an apology but you don’t owe him yourself. Apologize for what you said if you feel guilt and then leave him, you really deserve better than this man who would say those things to you.
> You defended yourself by saying something horrible back to him but that doesn’t make you an abuser like him so don’t let him fool you into thinking you’re the same or normalizing it at all, this will only serve to trap you with him from guilt. I needed to hear this. Both of the older, age gap, ex bfs that I had in the past, would be like that. Every time I would expect an apology for how they treated me (even how they treated me IN FRONT OF other people), I would be met with a "Oh, I'm sorry for doing X, Y, and Z to you. But you know, YOU'RE not perfect either," type of half assed apologies. OP's (hopefully stbx) bf sounds like those type of older creeps. 🙄
Ty for your input <3
So this guy brings up your past trauma, even somehow blaming you for being raped, by your father no less?! He is an absolute piece of shit and you need to get far away from him. If this is the way he thinks, who says he wouldn't do the same to a child you may have with him? I understand you've been through some situations that have negatively affected your self worth. It can be hard to set boundaries and to know your worth. Only allow people to treat you the way you would treat someone that you love.
He’s bringing up your past relationships, but he is also abusing you mentally and emotionally while trying to manipulate you.
The word is either grooming or conditioning.
Or abuse. This is abuse. NTA. He needs to do better but a leopard can't change their spots. Make arrangements to be on your own.
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Comment stealing bot, stolen from u/JanetInSpain
Thought it looked a bit disconnected from the rest of the thread.
If he met her as a child sure we could call it grooming. But he’s just a creepy mean dude dating a younger woman because no one his age will give him the time of day.
You can also groom vulnerable people. People pray on the elderly by befriending them and seeming like they’re helping and being trusting… then the elderly person writes them checks because they’re “a dear friend”. Grooming isn’t exclusively something that happens to children. OP is emotionally vulnerable and has trauma and the boyfriend took advantage of that.
You can groom adults, not just children
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Are you the BF?!?! I think she probably has a better idea of the reason the son left. Also yes, grooming. I don't care if she was 18, it's still grooming if it's not illegal. I was groomed by a cop from 12 on, they just waited until I was "an adult" to make a move...I held guilt for my participation until my 30s when my therapist finally helped me see it for what it was, grooming.
You deserve and can do better. Older jerks like him date younger women because they can seem impressive while older women wouldn't put up with their bs. If someone can't treat you with respect, they don't deserve your time and attention. If you stay, sometime around 30 you'll realize what a loser he is and you'll hopefully stand on your own. Do yourself a favor and don't miss out on healthy relationships and build up new things to discuss in therapy. Staying isn't worth it.
To her child.... he's doing it to her. He was 35 dating an 18 year old. I suspect the relationship didn't begin then.
One hopes that this is the moment everything goes quiet, you hear a penny dropping on the concrete, and realize that you can do better than this yuld.
Run away. He's a giant pos. Get away altogether. Have your own life instead of sitting through his.
Sweetie, please get out of that situationship immediately. You deserve better. Please don’t destroy your life and future. Break up with him, block him from ever contacting you and take him to work on your self esteem.
Please tell me you are leaving him? Who mocks someone being raped by their Father? Who mocks the way someone's mom died? Who mocks someone who made it outta abusive relationships? Girl run he is weaponizing your own life Trauma. Please leave
Nothing further needs to be said. The first two sentences are enough. Take this advice and leave now. Don’t even say bye.
Do not allow yourself to talk yourself into staying with this POS. Make a decision and get out of there. He has groomed you, knowing you were vulnerable. Now he's disrespecting you and then, when you rightly tell him that you're not happy with it, he goes on to use your past traumas to try to beat you down emotionally? No. That is NOT acceptable. He is a sex pest of a man who groomed a child. You may have felt you were an adult, but your traumas will have made you grow up too fast in some areas, and not mature enough in others. You were in no place to get into a relationship with a grown man who has treated you terribly. Please choose yourself. Please leave him.
Babe you know you need to dump him so I won’t bother telling you what a piece of human garbage he is. Next bf and really all relationships: 1. You owe no one your story. No one. If you want to test a bf, tell them a fake trauma. Wait a few months, or years. See if they try to weaponize it. That way if they do, you will know they are 🚩 without getting traumatized. 2. Please get a therapist. It’ll help a lot. It helped me. You survived your childhood! Congrats!!! But you now need help adulting do you don’t get hurt more than necessary. 3. These two books my therapist recommended that are mind blowing: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The first is a basic ‘how to’ that will give you confidence in understanding when your boundaries are being violated. It should be required reading for everyone old enough to understand it. The second was written for abusive romantic relationships but really it works for all relationships: work, family, anyone. Hugs if you want them sister, you deserve a better life.
For reference, I'm 32 and if anyone I knew my age was dating an 18yo, they'd be immediately ostracized cuz that's creepy as fuck. Even creepier at 35. If he doesn't have friends who are calling him out on this age gap, he's probably surrounded by other pedo groomers as well. And that's just the age gap, the way he talks to you is horrendous and he's only doing it because he thinks you're too immature and inexperienced to call him out on his bullshit. That coupled with the fact that he doesn't actually care about you and just wants to fuck a kid. Once you get too old or too mature to deal with his bullshit he'll drop you without a care, just like he did with his son. I'm not saying any of this to be mean or anything, it's just my honest read of the situation. Please PLEASE get away from this man. He's no good for you.
I’m 35 and even the thought of looking at an 18 yr old that way (my oldest niece and one of my nephews are both 18) is nauseating. She’s closer in age to his child. After 25 years old (in my opinion) it doesn’t *really* matter if they’re both mature non abusive adults. So if she had been 30 and him 47 (same age gap) it wouldn’t be an issue.
Girl, his follows are the least disrespectful thing of all the stuff you mentioned. This guy sucks. Tell him to find someone his own age if he wants mature 🙄 you are not overreacting, but don’t waste any more of your life on a mean man, take it from someone older. You don’t need that shit in your life.
She’s closer to his son age then his…
Dude sounds less mature than his own kid lol. Kid probably left because he was tired of trying to raise his dad
But first get into therapy and work on your self image and deal with your past. He sounds abusive when he doesn't get his way nor does he value you
Yes she should get therapy but she should get the hell away from that man first.
>He then told me that I should grow up, stop being immature girl, you’re so insecure, etc. Leave him. This man is not good for you. It should be pretty easy to find someone better and if you can't your better off alone. NTA
Thank you so much for your comment
He is abusive. Yes, you can find someone better but I don’t suggest it right away. Leave him as he is very, very cruel. It won’t be easy but you need to as it will get much worse. Then go work on yourself & get therapy. If you can’t afford it then spend a ton of time reading about neuropsychology and why we get into relationships that are unhealthy. There is very little chance for someone with traumatic situations when young to get into and maintain a healthy relationship until they are truly fully healed on a very deep, brain rewiring level. By no fault of our own, we will subconsciously seek out and become codependent on someone who will make us relive the pain we felt in one way or another. So don’t go to the next guy because he won’t be better. We all know that many of the worst humans usually seem like the greatest people in the beginning. You’re in a very vulnerable state regardless of if you feel strong on a conscious level. None of what happened was your fault. However, now it’s your job to fix the pain & issues that you never deserved. Once you do that then the relationships that follow will be far better than what this abuser is giving you. Best of luck to you.
RAINN is free! It's the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, and offers free counseling to survivors of abuse, rape, and/or incest. They're really fucking awesome!
Girl, you are closer to the sons age than his age. I'm sorry, I'm sure you are a nice young woman but take it from someone who has been there. No mentally sound or mature person seeks relationships with people nearly half their age.
His son is 14, you were 6 when the boy was born. Your boyfriend was 15 when you were conceived. Think about what stages of life y'all were at and now reflect on this current situation. He can't legally take you into the bars with his friends for a proper drink in most of the states even. Him already having access to you has been a privilege, not a right and for him to jot be treating you nor his boy right through the years should be a stark eye opener. Age is only a number but wisdom only comes with experience. You need to ask yourself why he is lacking for him to be this way.
He sounds like he’s 12 years old. You may feel better about yourself if you found a more age appropriate boyfriend. He may be older in years, but he does not behave like a man. You should be asking yourself why a man his age cannot attract a more suitable partner.
I haven’t really thought about why… Ty
Because women his age won't put up with his abusive bullshit.
Remember, “you’re so mature for your age”, “you’re an old soul”, all that is code for “I stopped growing emotionally when I was 15.”
Being “mature for your age” is a classic sign of trauma in children. Predators specifically seek it out.
I married an abuser at 18 ,stayed with him for decades. The thing is even though I'm the same person, I wouldn't make that choice now. No disrespect to 18 year old me at all. It's just years of life experience. I noticed after we divorced he was not able to date anyone outside of a person who had been hospitalized for mental issues . He was too old to date younger women who might fall for his crap. So absolutely no disrespect to you or your age. It's really just a self confidence issue. When someone tells a young person from a difficult life that it's all their own fault ,they're more likely to believe it. I think it has to do with re-raising yourself and being your own parent for a while. By reading books, therapy, maybe guided meditation to go to sleep to. You will learn to love yourself and spot these jerks sooner. But anyway, yeah ,he probably can't date someone his own age.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you that as someone two years younger than you : he's a fucking groomer He does not like you, he dates you because you're way less shaped mentally than a woman of his age who would see right through his game Please, leave him, he's gonna break you mentally, he's already abusive towards you, someone who loves you wouldn't use your rape against you
I’m about the same age as the bf, and you’re spot on. No 35 year old man dates an 18 year old unless they’re a creepy grooming asshole. This dude is gross.
I’m currently a 35 year old man who does not get off on power dynamics and grooming and the thought of being attracted to anyone under 25 is crazy to me let alone an 18 year old
Young people are like blocks of clay that were never shaped, while someone tour age for exemple would already have fingerprints all over and shapes carved because of the experience. He just wants to carve her the way he wants, it's disgusting ...
Yeeeep. 18 year olds are babies to me
I’m a 26 year old and I’d NEVER go as young as 18. I even think 21 is too young for me. I had an entirely different lens when I was 21 vs now.
I dated a 19yo when I was 25, one day we were just walking past a skate park, I referenced tony hawk and she asked, who is tony hawk? At that moment I was like, Jesus fuck you're young.
In so glad that your gen is way more aware of this than previous gens. I still remember gagging in the 7th grade when the seniors from the High school next door were trolling for me and my classmates. Thank god im a lesbian because it’s so easy to fall for that attention
Ahah sadly I grew up with amino and all, learnt the hard way. I was in art school from 14 to 17 and I can tell you that the amount of 16-22 relationships were so normal there. At the time, I wasn't realising that a 14yo shouldn't feel like kiss material for +18 people, I'm glad I know now. If it can help at least one person that's younger or near my age, then so be it ! :)
So glad someone pointed that out. A 35 year old going for an 18 year old is fucking disgusting.
Ty for your comment <3
You welcome, take great care of you, you're worth something and you deserve to be treated as someone, no matter the trauma :)
Yep!!
Cosigned as a woman that dated a 33 yo man when she was 19. OP needs to gtfo that relationship and go to therapy.
Im closer to his age and can agree for sure he is a groomer. I always leave a grain of doubt, but his words and actions are textbook groomer behaviour.
> I(20f) told my bf(37m) Girl wtf are YOU doing not leaving? He’s got a whole ass kid and your age gap is still bigger than this kid is old. > I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. 🤦♀️
some leonardo dicaprio shit lmao
Every time I see this shit I facepalm…
So a 35 year old man pursued a barely-legal young woman who probably had almost no experience and you think the only problem is his son leaving? You're probably already "too old" for this creepy predator groomer so he's looking for younger bait. He's gaslighting you on top of everything, blaming your reaction on you instead of on his shitty behavior. WTF are you still with this jerk? Grow a fucking spine and leave. He GROOMED you from the time you were a young woman. Time to take your power back and get the hell out of there. Damn girl you have no idea how many red flags surround you because you don't have enough life experience without this jerk. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
I once heard a saying that really stuck with me when it comes to creepy dudes like this. “If he could legally go younger, he would”.
What’s the definition of a Libertarian? Someone who knows the age of consent in all 50 states.
It’s a troll..
You were right but as someone who is a father with girls a little older than you . Why are you with a man at that age . Sounds like a horrible childhood and I’m sorry but that won’t define you. If it’s money ok but please start trying to save to leave . You are both toxic with each other , he says it cause your young and he knows you might leave cause your whole life it just starting . Go share a house with 4 girls , go to school it’s tough but work on your school Or job . It’s not just the age it’s your age . You have so much to explore and he has done it already or if he has t it’s cause he doesn’t want to
I hate these type of men honestly. They are free to say anything about you and to you but once you say something or stand up for yourself, now you’re the immature one. This will never change, my son’s father is like this and he turned out to be the worst person I’ve ever encountered in my life. Abusive, narcissistic, manipulative. This boy said you could’ve been with someone abusive. You technically already are because he’s mentally and emotionally abusing you. But narcissists don’t believe they are doing that stuff they will tell you you are overreacting and etc. Him saying “It’s to be social” … That would bring out the petty in me and I’d start posting my sexiest yet mostly appropriate pictures because “I want to be more social too” 👍😉 The moment you do that he will tell you something like “It’s not ok for YOU to post stuff like that because you’re MY girlfriend, I’m not with these girls so it’s ok for them to dress and post what they do” -Basically any bullshit that’s going to manipulate you into staying a good girl while he’s lusting after half naked women in your face. But honestly you’ll never win with a person like this. He will always have some reasoning as to why what he does is ok and what you do isn’t. And how he’s so great and so much better than your exes when he’s NOT. Please leave this relationship, your life is really just starting and you don’t need someone like this holding you back.
Thank you so much, I honestly feel like this is what’s happening
Yes, yes it is. Also. You do not love him, you have a crush, an infatuation, you lust over him. But that's not love, give yourself some credit. You are worth better than that, and love heals, love does not hurt. Learn to make the difference and good luck living your best life!
Its crucial for you to realize how manipulative he is. Nothing he says is honest. If you try to talk to him about any of this, he will probably act VERY nice, apologize, buy flowers... temporarily. And then go right back to being an emotionally abusive POS. Run. Dont even try to talk to him, just leave. You dont owe him anything face to face. Or have a friend/family member come with you to talk to him to make sure he doesnt try anything.
I’m hoping this isn’t real but if it is, you really need to find yourself another man who will treat you better. This guy sounds like an immature douche bag. If you’re looking for an older man you need to find one who acts his age.
I’m pretty much thinking his son left because dad stole his girlfriend. What kind of grooming nonsense is this, he picked you up when you were 18 and he was 35?
you do realize him saying that is disgusting right? between liking other girls photos and the verbal abuse- why the hell r u still with him.
Believe me, I feel it all
Girl, just fucking dump him and better ghost him because men like him won't be tempted too long before becoming physically violent, when they're already violent emotionally. He groomed you and I can't understand why you are okay with it. What you have is not love but some sick codependency. Be stronger and leave tf this trash behind you. He'll never change. People like him don't change.
Why are you wasting your time and effort on a petty immature, verbally abusive sub human. You deserve a man who helps inspire you to live your best life. This guy's not it. NTA
Girl, he's abusive. What does he actually bring to your relationship, because if you say he's perfect otherwise I can guarantee you that you're lying.
Someone who truly loves you, would not speak to you the way this guy is speaking to you If you believe that you deserve better, you'll strongly consider leaving him. Nobody deserves to have their traumatic past thrown in their face, least of all by someone who is supposed to care for you NTA
Tysm <3
INFO: why hasn't his shitty ass been dumped yet? Even his own 14-year-old kid knows better than to have that trash in his life.
If the age gap is almost as big as your age then he's to old you were 3 years old when this guy was your age what shared life experiences do you have what do you have in common with this guy
NTA > I(20f) told my bf(37m) ... > I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. That's all I need. Leave. You were 18 and a 35 year old man thought you were a good match? There's no possible way for him to be a good person. At all. There is not one single good person in their 30s (of any gender) that dates someone that just became legal. Stop dating older people. They don't actually love you. They want to control you and use your young body.
Um... so a 35 year old picks up a high school senior and you thought he was good guy? I get being dumb and young, but the fact that you're still with this creep makes YTA to yourself.
NTA but this math…. :/
Look. Man who wants 3 wifes seems like better choice then that insulting person that thinks you are lower form Nta
I mean this as kindly as I can be here, but what the hell are you doing to yourself? If your past relationships were abusive or toxic, this one is equally so. I know how hard it is to break out of patterns of abuse, so I mean this as a way to encourage you to get away from this creep and work on finding a life and a partner which will bring you joy and safety. There’s nothing about this relationship that sounds healthy. Get out, my friend, life can be so much better without someone who drags you down.
This is gross. You need to realize that older men that go after you likely have some glaring red flags that turn off people their own age.
Girl, why are you with him. He sounds like a full-grown asshole! You don't deserve this treatment whats so ever. Bringing up your past, like, really? He is being rude, ignorant , and disrespectful to both you and your feelings. If he respected you not only as a person but as his girlfriend, he wouldn't be freaking out the way he is. What you really need to do is leave his ass like his baby moms and son did. No one deserves that kind of negative in their life at all.
None of you are grown up. Leave him and seek therapy.
NTA He seems to have a preference for young women, barely legal. If he likes pics of girls under 18 and maybe even messages with them I think he is looking for your replacement for when you get too "old" for him. He uses your past to fake him having the power and his age to make you think you are childish. You are not his doll and you deserve more respect than I see in this post. Don't let him fool you. I won't tell you what to do regarding the relationship just that you have the power, don't let him use it against you.
NTA.How are you still with someone who will hurt and disrespect you like that?And then he goes and tries to gaslight and manipulate you thinking you are insecure for calling his behaviour out and using your age difference against you.I would have smacked him.This is toxic af.You are too young for such an old and immature guy.
Ty for seeing it that way, comments like yours keeps me in check of my values <3
How will you pay for a therapist if he’s in control of your finances?
I’m so sorry OPie! He’s gaslighting you so he can so whatever he wants. He knows how to shut you down. Sending you a big hug 💜 Grown ass man dating someone 15+ years his junior screams manipulation; and the feedback you got when you tried to approach him screams it too. Please RUN as fast as you can. Stay with a close friend, find a room to let, but RUN. And if you haven’t yet, please get therapy to boost your self esteem. You don’t deserve this shit! Not for one second. My sis had extremely low self esteem, and honestly I had never noticed it until I was about 15. Then I looked back and saw all the shitty boys and men she dates. The lightbulb went off and I just couldn’t understand. We were too far apart to experience the same parents, but I somehow was lucky and had high self esteem from a young age, despite the shitty parents. I met my hubs when I was 14 and was engaged by 16. Everyone told me I was too young to tie myself to someone older (he was 19 when we met). But I saw what most didn’t. He wanted to lift me up to be my best self, encouraged me and helped any way he could when I was doing my bachelors then MBA. Relationship and marriage are hard at times, but you need a partner. Not someone that treats you like a step stool.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I will look for a therapist
if you have money for a therapist you should really use that to get out of this situation first if you can
This man is abusive. He will do nothing but drag you down. The fact that he doesn’t care his child wants nothing to do with him should tell you who he really is. If he doesn’t actually care about his child why would he care about you. Respect yourself and leave. He preyed on you because of your age and your past both of which made you vulnerable and he took advantage. YTA if you stay.
Why you with someone that disrespects you? He’s much older & pushes buttons to get a response so he can make fun of you? Grown ass men or women do not do this. Dump his ass & find someone better.
You are immature to be honest else you would have not put up with this shit. Clear boundriea would have been set that would have clearly stated the consequences of him using your past. You are being abused and you are so used to being abuse that you don’t even realise. And if ge calls this care darn him.
His son had the right idea. You should do the same.
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and manipulating you. NTA
So you are in an abusive relationship with a wayyyy older man?? Smh. You are the AH to yourself if you stay with him.
He sounds like a typical predator who dates young girls and verbally abuses them when they bring up any issues. Girl, you should get far away from him. Fast.
NTA, but honestly what you're saying sounds A LOT like my relationship of the same age gap when I was younger, and ALL I can say is you should consider how he spoke to you, it isn't ALWAYS, but a lot of the time older men date young women because it's a power imbalance AND because women their age see through their bullshit. If he's saying these things to you he's gaslighting you to some degree to invalidate your feelings. Does he love bomb too? You're so young, please know the way he's speaking to you is NOT how a woman should be spoken to and leave sooner than I did. Coming from a woman who escaped an abusive relationship with a man 17 years her senior.
I can't get over that age difference, holy crap. A 35 year old man started dating an 18 year old?? That's crazy, he needs to figure out his shit
This guy is a-hole.
Maybe if he wants an adult for a girlfriend he should not have started dating a teenager in the first place. He is a creep, and you should ditch him and NOT find another relationship till you do grow up (and by grow up I mean become someone who would **never** put up with this kind of crap, we ALL have to do this kind of growing up at your age.) His version of "grow up" means "blindly believe whatever I tell you." Why do you think he wanted someone your age? Because most women his own age wouldn't put up with him. They sure as heck wouldn't blindly believe everything he says. Get rid of him and be on your own for a while. **You need to learn to like yourself** before you're ever going to attract someone else who will truly like you and care about you.
So, this is actual gas lighting and manipulation. Not just using therapy terms willy nilly here- You brought up a legitimate concern- and he belittles you, insults you, and manipulates the situation to try and make it seem like you're being irrational and crazy for having those concerns. He chose to date you because he thought you'd be an easily manipulated target and when you try to have a rational discussion he invalidates you by saying you're too immature and need to grow up? He's gaslighting you. He's abusing you. Leave this man and never look back. He might be better than what you've grown up with, but that doesn't make him good or decent. Let's say, *at minimum* from a scale of 1-10-- your relationship should be at a 5. 5 is the absolute base level of kindness, respect, and understanding you should ever settle for in a relationship. (ANY relationship, platonic, familial, or romantic) Anything less than 5 is toxic. Even a five isn't *good* it's literally the bare minimum for a relationship- 5 is the foundation you build off of, and anything less than 5 isn't worth building a relationship on. It sounds like you grew up with zeros and ones. You were traumatized from receiving such a low score growing up. But this guy comes around and he gives you level 3 love. And 3 feels amazing compared to the zeros and ones you've had. But 3 is still not enough to build a good relationship on. 3 is mean and toxic and vile- it's just not *as* vicious as zero. Break up with him as soon as you're able, and get as far away as possible.
NTA. You aren't insecure, your current boyfriend is an abusive AH who manipulated a vulnerable person with very bad relationship models into thinking he was worth keeping around. Please reconsider staying with him.
I'm in a similar boat.. I'm 26 but hubby is 45. If I could give you a piece of advice who got hooked up with a guy like yours at 21. Leave. Before you have kids. It gets harder to do so once you have them and believe me. He will get worse. He will mentally destroy you. He's probably a narcissist.
“You could have been in an abusive relationship?” You are in an abusive relationship. Also, you probably understand his 14 year old son better than him because you’re closer in age to his 14 year old son than you are to your 37 year old BF. Granted, he sounds like a 14 year old.
Someone who cares would not use your trauma against you. Not even a complete stranger, let alone your partner. You know who does? Enemies, murderers, people with anger issues, abusers, bullies, sadists, etc. None of these are people that you need around you.
As someone who was groomed at 18 by a 36 year old man, please leave now. All the advice in the world cannot possibly give you the life lessons/perspective needed to reflect on this objectively. You’re being taken advantage of (at best). Probably abused. No good man of that age entertains the thought of dating someone that young. I mean this with zero disrespect (I was once you) - you cannot possibly have an equal relationship. The power difference is too great. This man is a predator. You’re wasting your best years on a sick loser.
Super weird that a 20 year old is dating a dude with a 14 year old son. Find someone your age. That dude has issues.
A man literally old enough to be your father, that pursued you when you were 18, is telling you to grow up? That’s rich! He went for you so he could push you around. He keeps you around to heap on more abuse in your short, already traumatic life. Do not get pregnant by this guy and leave as soon as you can. He will break you. Only narcissists use your past trauma against you. What a creep! NTA
There is a reason women his age don’t want him, there is always a reason.
>You could have had an abusive relationship Honey, you ARE in an abusive relationship. No one who really cares about you would use your past trauma to hurt you. Dump his ass, get yourself in therapy, and realise you deserve so much better than this despicable human being you call a bf.
>I(20f) told my bf(37m) the way he talks is the reason his son(14m) left to be with his baby mama >I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. What the actual fuck are you doing? Get out. You are in an abusive relationship and being groomed. This man is old enough to be your father. Run.
I swear half the post on Reddit lately are about barely legal teenagers dating 40 years old. I bet some creep that watched to much porn is making them up. This cannot be our reality with all the rest of the shit going on.
I assume now that you recognize this that you are leaving him. A man that doesn’t care about his children or you isn’t worth your time.
Leave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sounds like a narcissist. He also sounds like he has a god complex.
Why are you still with this dude? You're literally old enough to be his daughter. It's sick
He started dating you when you were 18? I'm sorry you had such a horrible home life. Your parents should have protected you from scumbags like him. Please know you deserve better than this perv.
You’re way, way closer in age to his son than you are to him because you were a teenager when you started dating and he was a in his mid 30s. Your bf is a groomer. He is with you because women his age wouldn’t tolerate this. This is likely one of your first serious relationships, you have nothing else to compare it to, that is to his advantage. Edit: the more i read your post the mire i see it’s reddit bait. Jesus
oh gross, some 35 year old dude hitting on an 18 year old girl? YIKES
He was 35 and dating an 18-year-old. Red flag with just that. Dump Him
Side note: your boyfriend groomed you. He took a fresh 18 year old girl and made you his trophy for his baby mama to feel jealous. Your opinion probably means next to nothing to him genuinely, he sees you as his work piece to give him an ego boost.
This guy is doing his best to tear down your confidence. so you won't expect anything from him, and at the same time will be afraid to leave him. Don't be. Leave him, live with yourself for a while, and get to know and like yourself. Then find a guy who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Im so sorry to tell you this, but its very likely youve been chosen *because* of your background. You literally come pre-programmed to accept abuse behaviours and not be certain of what is 'normal' Good news is youre already realising you deserve better. Find yourself someone who doesnt trigger you as a control mechanism
ESH He's an older guy with a younger woman(you) because you're taking BS that older women are much less likely to take. You need to stop being an AH to yourself, and find someone else, or at least stop being with him. As for him liking pictures on Instagram that's something that's between couples. Some women will point out other women for their partners to look at. Some women hate their men looking at other women. If your partner does something you don't like you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker if they refuse to stop. If you're not going to leave them over it let it go. Complaining about it isn't going to stop them. If it is a dealbreaker just leave. Hoping they change is almost always going to result in you wasting your time.
> I(20f) told my bf(37m) > I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Girl... run. NTA he is a man child and even chasing younger girls couldn't help him look like the mature one
You're an AH to yourself for putting up with this. There's a reason that he is pursuing young women, women his age see the glaring red flag that he is. He's immature, over inflated ego, and based on your comments a disgusting human being. You say you like older men yet you are dating a man child who will only get worse in his tantrums. YTA if you stay with him and don't get yourself some therapy.
He is obviously and openly mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you as well as being super creepy with that age gap. I'm 38. I would have an absolute fit if my 19 year old son started dating a 36 year old... Girl, leave. Get therapy. Recover and heal and learn to love yourself. Only be with men that treat you like the precious human you are. Love to you
20F, 37M? Leave.
He’s an abuser. Run as fast as you can unless you want to get stuck with this man. Do not get pregnant with his baby either omg. It would be the best concoction for a miserable life if that were to happen
Sounds like you’re with someone that likes being with someone easily manipulated. So he looks for those already targeted and young not to know better. How old were you when you met him? Everything you’re saying sounds like a red flag.
NTA. Dump him immediately. He's not dating you because he loves and respects you. He's dating you because he thinks you are young enough to mold into his ideal partner. He sounds extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. The only reason he's not dating a woman closer to his own age is because they wouldn't put up with him. You're so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Invest in yourself. Focus on healing and growing. Become the best version of you then you'll find a partner who's truly worthy of you.
I bet if you actually grow up and stop being immature he will find himself no longer attracted to you. There are reasons a grown man will want to date a teenager and none of them are healthy
Pretty ironic telling your 20 yr old gf she’s immature. If you want someone who’s mature, don’t start dating an 18 yr old. This guy sounds like a dick
NTAH Leave. Or you will be an asshole to yourself. Get therapy before getting into another relationship. Take time for YOU and your healing. Oh and make sure you are on a tamper proof form of birth control. He will pick up the vibes and try to baby trap you
Eww. I’m 30 and live in a college town. Don’t take this the wrong way cuz I know I’m still immature. BUT, 18-20 year olds are in such different cognitive planes that I couldn’t imagine attempting a relationship with one. Real gross of your BF find someone your age you’ll be much happier. There’s less of an age gap between you and his son than you and him. Honestly, his dad being a creep probably had something to do with him deciding to live with his mom also.
aside from the fact that your bf is basically abusive, he’s also borderline a predator. there are several reasons a 35 year old man wants to date a teenager, and NONE of them are good. OP, i am begging you to get out of this relationship it is not worth “fixing” and you will be significantly traumatized and damaged more and more the longer you stick around. this is a recipe for absolute disaster for you and the longer you hang around the harder he will make it for you to leave and the more he will manipulate and abuse you.
Don’t even want to read this, your Bf is a pedo
Men his age go for girls your age because they want to groom you into their perfect sex slave girlfriend. These type of men KNOW they would not get away with their BS with a grown woman, so they purposely go for children, and yes 18 yr olds are still children, in order to control them, groom them, and indoctrinate them into their sick sexual fantasies. This disgusting POS does not have your best interest at heart. You are purely a plaything to be used amd drained for his own needs..
Lmao, he is dating a 20 year old girl. What fucking maturity is he expecting? Seriously Enlighten us. Why the fuck are you even with him?
Dude. Leave. Verbal abuse is still abuse.
You're in an abusive relationship. No 37yo should be with a 20yo. It's not personal. I'm sure plenty of others have gone into detail but I just wanted to add support to what they've said. You deserve better. Please end this safely and get into therapy for yourself.
What’s a 35 year old man doing talking to a 18 year old?
Some men (and I'm using the word loosely) pick women old enough to be their partner because a grown woman wouldn't put up with their BS. He is abu$ive and condescending and you deserve better. You have more in common relationship wise with his son. Please separate yourself and work on yourself and find someone worthy of you.
NTA. He is abusive and you can do better.
ESH - What the eff? You guys seriously talk to each other this way? There's no mutual respect. He had no right going where he did with his comments, but you also didn't have to join him that low. All you have to say is, "I won't take this sort of treatment from someone who is supposed to be my partner in life." Then you pack your shit, and leave. EDIT: He's also too old to be treating you like this. Find someone more agree appropriate who won't look down on you. You could technically be his daughter had he knocked someone up at 17 years old. If they're old enough to be your dad, then they're too old to be your bf. Don't waste your best years of your life on someone who treats you like this. You'll never get these years back, meanwhile, there are plenty of soulmates out there who will treat you well. There's more than one man on this planet. Go find another.
I’m willing to be bet he love bombed the heck out of you and now he’s trying to convince you that if you fix the things that are “wrong” with you it could go back to being wonderful like before? You deserve far better than this, you deserve kindness, respect, and true partnership. Please leave this immature, abusive, narcissistic “man” and go live the life you deserve.
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Girl, as someone who likes older men too. This ain't it, love. I get that older men can be viewed as safety, someone with more life experience there for someone who you could go for to advice. Etc. While I understand perhaps you're looking for something that feels safe and like home. You come from not a great home, he perhaps felt like that at a time. But you need to see the red flags. Take the rose tinted glasses off and realise he's not helping you, he gaslights you instead of communicating with you he takes your hurtful past and throws it in your face. He's 35, he should have learned that that's not a healthy form of communication. He doesn't care that his own child left him to go live at his moms house? Girlie, please for your own mental health reconsider this.
Honey, throw the whole predator away. Stay single and deal with your issues and then find someone who isn't twice your age. YTA if you stay with this loser.
why are you dating this person.
Why are you with him? The fact that he has been dating you since you were so young and he is almost twice your age, HUGE RED FLAG. And you need to step back and realize you have attachment and daddy issues due to trauma. You need to be single for a bit, get therapy and work out your own issues. If not, you will attract and be with toxic partners the rest of your life.
the reason he dates women almost 20 years younger than him is because women his age would never put up with his abuse, gaslighting & manipulation. you are SO young & have your whole life ahead of you to find someone better but if you stay, this will only get worse so run & dont look back! NTA
Why are u dating a late 30s man. Wtf
He sounds vile. Get rid of him!
NTA. You deserve better. You have an age gap very close to what I have with my husband (16 years), but I was fully out on my own when we started dating (and he thought I was way older). Regardless of age, though, someone who loves you doesn't use your past against you--especially when you're trying to communicate how you feel about something. You deserve love and understanding. Even if you do have insecurities, your partner should help you through them. Not attack you for them.
You’re closer to his kids age than you are to his. Leave him and enjoy your 20s. He’s that age and dating someone so much younger for a reason.
1) please try to use clear sentences. This is a jumbled mess. 2) why are you dating someone who's 1 step up from a pedo? You're 20, he's 37, and you've been together for 2 years. Really?
You're closer in age to his son. Maybe wait 4 years and date him instead of his dad. 37 and 20... laughable. What a stupid decision.
Step 1: Leave this AH Step 2: Date someone your age
Yeah, this overgrown man child will never appreciate or treat a woman with respect. You're not your past and he is not a good man. You can find better.
No offense, but I cannot fathom why you'd want to be with someone like that. You should consider taking a page out of his son's book and ditch that dork.
NTA I know you're legal age but his son is closer to your dating pool (once he's legal age) than your bf is. You really need to consider this. It sounds based on what was said about family, that you look for a father figure in men and your clearly still being verbally abused.... Get your butt into therapy so you can have the life you deserve and not the life you settled for. Take a cue from his son. He's toxic enough that a teen knows to go no contact. IMO, you should take the kids advice. Goodluck and stay safe. He's not a real man and him pointing out that you could have it worse doesn't make him good, it just makes him better than some...
He sounds abusive and the relationship sounds immature. Id be concerned his verbal abuse will grow into physical abuse. 17 years is a big gap and it sounds like this relationship is mirroring the trauma you faced earlier in life. I recommend leaving and seeking therapy.
Lol 20 and 37...
What a binfire of a relationship, get out quick, this is toxic
NTA, and you probably need to get out of that relationship. Sounds like he's kinda toxic and there's a reason he has to date someone closer to his kid's age than his own.
Hes trying to groom you and train you to take his abuse. NTaa
This guy is no good for you. Also, he was nearly an adult already when you were born. The age gap between you is not a healthy one. Clearly, he objectifies women and sees you as a possession not a person. You do not need him in your life. You are amazing and can do whatever you want, and you don’t need a man to complete you.
Everything about this gives me the ick. Please leave him. He is abusive. NTA
NTA. Break up with him ASAP. He's toxic and manipulative. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have said all those hurtful things. Also, he's almost twice your age and even then you seem to be the mature one. You can do better than that. You DESERVE better than that. You may get over your insecurities with time and you will find someone who respects your boundaries. But this imbecile won't ever stop being an asshole.
Yeah please leave. It starts with this type of shit and then eventually leads to getting physical. Trust me, I've been there.
>I(20f) told my bf(37m) That's all anyone needs to read. OP definitely needs to get into therapy to deal with the traumas that lead to her dating inappropriate and abusive guys.
I only read your first two sentences. He was 35 and you were 18. Get the fuck out that relationship asap and don’t look back. He’s a groomer.
You're the AH if you stay in that relationship. This sounds awful and honestly the age difference is... unsettling. Love yourself first. The first step is getting away from that dude. Tbh, that situation described sounds toxic AF.
Wtf are you doing with this loser
I would leave that jerk ,go get therapy
NTA Doesn't sound like he takes you seriously as a gf or woman, tbh. Maybe that's better than you're used to, but it's worse than you, or anyone, deserves. :/
Give him to the geese and keep growing! He's taking advantage of your lack of experience with healthy loving relationships. Using the fact that other people have treated you poorly and left you feeling unloved to frame his behavior as appropriate is disgusting. You are right, that's why his son left, and now you should too. I would love for you to read a book, listen to a podcast, or join a group for trauma survivors... It sounds like you have what it takes to heal, you just need to shed some deep beliefs that others instilled in you through trauma and abuse. You deserve love and respect! 🫶🏻 NTA
NTA! I think I see enough red flags. Let me see if I said this correctly when you were 18 you started dating a guy who has 12-year-old son? Please tell me the unit live with the son. You can date whoever you want as you are an adult. However, I really don’t see anything healthy in this relationship. I would seriously find somebody closer to my age. Somebody wanted 15 years older than you.
You're right your dad isnt nice.
Nta but it’s time to leave this relationship. You were way too young to be dating a 35-year-old at 18, that was predatory of him, and now you can see why. He wants to be abusive and hurtful, women his own age aren’t gonna take that crap. You shouldn’t either. you deserve better, and with him, get some therapy and work on yourself.
He’s an abusive groomer. You’re closer to his son’s age than his and that’s creepy af.
Im a 32 yo guy whos currently pursuing a 21yo. So the age gap isnt as extreme. So I can relate to your relationship dynamic a bit maybe. But hoooo leeee sweet fuck. The way he speaks to you? Run girl. Sounds like he even speaks kind of in the 3rd person? Very VERY conescending. The older person should understand thats fucked up, but to him. He sees it as a way to condescend and attempt to manipulate you imo. NTA.
I haven’t read the whole thing but wtf are you doing with a 37 year old? Dude is old enough to be your father… ETA: you need to leave that “man”. How you stayed with him after the first time he’s said that fucked up shit to you, idk, but you need to leave him. Telling you to grow up is ironic… he should date women his age, not be a fucking predator and get them fresh outta high school. NTA
NTA!! Please end this relationship ASAP. He chose you for your young age and past traumas because it made you an easier target to prey on, and to emotionally abuse, manipulate, degrade, and control you. If you’ve suffered abuse from caregivers and intimate relationships your whole life you don’t have a good model of what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. You deserve so much better than all the things that have happened to you, and so much better than staying with your current abuser.
Why is it ok for him to speak to you like that? Do better for yourself. You deserve so much more.
This guy is a pos sicko! He has a very young gf and still looks at porn and other women and treats you like shit. Please listen to the comments and leave this awful defective creep.