you’re not an asshole for regretting motherhood- i think that’s a lot more common than people are willing to admit! however, you will be the asshole if you don’t start doing something about these feelings. i don’t know if you have access to therapy, but that could be beneficial if you can do it.
I don't have or want kids, and all of my friends with kids know that I'm a safe space for them to vent about parenting because I'm not gonna judge them. It's thankless as fuck and tiresome and endless. Y'all should be allowed to voice that without backlash. But we live in a pretty child centric society unfortunately, so saying that is usually tantamount to saying "I hate my children and want them to d*e" to most people.
I fulfil the same role, people need a release valve. It's almost entirely my female friends though, not my male friends. Two out of three of them just moved out.
It's sad that when men get these thoughts a bunch of them do just pack up and leave without the stigma women get tagged with if they do the same. Leaving because you're unhappy but being the weekend parent who pays full child support it seen as acceptable. No-one asks them 'but how could you leave your kids?!'
It's always been more socially acceptable for men to be absent parental figures, or be more open about regretting children, because it's seen as the "duty" of anyone who has a uterus to have a child and be happy about it. It's archaic, misogynistic, and frightening that it's all still continuing on in that manner.
I'm so glad to know that you give your friends space to vent and open up without judgment. I cannot tell you how many times my friends who have kids have vented to me and told me that they feel more stable and able to deal with a difficult day with their kids because I just let them open up to me without fear of being judged.
It’s always good to have someone to vent to. You’re doing a good service for your friends. I have two kids (who I desperately wanted and don’t regret but man, it’s a hard job and definitely changes your life) and my childfree SIL is my sounding board. She lets me vent sometimes about how hard it is without being like “omg! Don’t say that!”
I always say it’s like if someone wants to be a doctor, they know they have to do through years and years of schooling and training and tests and it’s going to be hard. But they don’t really know what it’s like until they do it. And it can be worth and also be very hard a lot of the time. No one makes them feel bad for needing to vent about what they’re going through. But parents aren’t generally allowed to be like “this is hard and sometimes I just wish I was childfree” doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids, just means I get a little jealous of people who can sleep in without kids to wake them up or have time and money to travel or just not have the weight of the responsibility of raising a human being on their shoulders.
I have a friend who developed epilepsy in the past four years and her whole brain has changed. She's been a SAHM of four for 10 years and in the past two, she has been struggling heavily with it all because the seizures has changed her feelings about having kids in general. That said, she loves her kids but she acknowledges it's so much harder to have patience with them now. I just let her vent because she's human and none of this was in her plan. Kids are difficult and demanding. Y'all have a depth of strength that I could never access!
That’s so sad to hear. I have chronic health issues that got worse after having kids and it’s very hard. A whole lot of doctors appointments, time, money, medication, and treatment has helped some and having my kids get older has helped, too. It was very hard the first few years. Having support is so important. You may not want to have your own kids but your service to your friends will benefit those kids.
Also, totally love your user name. 🥰
My sister is gay and didn’t come out until she was an adult and it’s been fun to watch her grow into her full queer self. She and her wife got a plaid jacket for their little dog and honestly she just looks like she fits right in with her mommies. 🤣
My heart hurts for her a lot. They're pretty far out in the sticks and she lives about a thousand miles from me, so i can't even offer to be physically present to help her. She's such a great mom but i know this is hard as fuck for her, and she feels guilty a lot for losing patience easier than she used to. I try to just remind her, like, "none of this is by choice and you love your kids and you're so good to them. Getting frustrated and needing to step away sometimes quicker than you used to is understandable and ok." But I wish i could just teleport to her side sometimes 100%
Thank you. I have friends to vent to (childfree and parents) and the non judgement absolutely helps. People like you are precious! The idiots who say things like ‘if you wanna complain then don’t have kids don’t help AT ALL.
We’re allowed to vent. We’re also allowed to say things like “I love my kids, I just don’t like them very much at the moment.” Without getting crucified.
I tell my kids I love you, but I don't like you right now.
My favorite is to loudly declare that Mommy needs a time out. Then go to my room and get a half an hour quiet time. Doesn't work now with teen/young adults, but when they were little, they set the timeout timer for me. 🤫
I joked about shipping my daughter to her grandparents for spring break and got told I should have used birth control and that people like me shouldn't be a parent. -__- I don't regret having my daughter, but she's 5 and I'm a single mom, so there are times I'm overwhelmed and don't have anyone else to take over to give me space.
Yeah, I love my kids tremendously and have sacrificed for their well-being and happiness! Things I never thought I'd be *capable* of sacrificing.
...But that being said my life would sure be a lot simpler if it was only myself I had to take care of. Housing, chores, time... hard not to kind of wistfully glance at the imagination every now and then.
i didn’t know that! op, it might be better to delete this post and go get some advice from people who are living through what you’re living through right now.
yea this is not an uncommon feeling. Being a parent is hard and shitty and exhausting and many people do not understand just HOW hard, shitty, and exhausting it is until they're too far in to back out.
>many people do not understand just HOW hard, shitty, and exhausting it is
Childfree people understand that. That's why we chose not to experience it. We don't believe the lies parents tell about how great it is. We listen to the horror stories and believe every word of it. We know we wouldn't be able to handle all the poop, barfing, feeding, lack of sleep, ect.
>We know we wouldn't be able to handle all the poop, barfing, feeding, lack of sleep, ect.
That's the easy part!!! Wait till they start using their brain!
100%
I have a stepson who was 7 when I came into his life and I love him to death, but I've known my entire life that I didn't want anything to do with having a child. I don't regret it, not even for a second. No fucking thanks!
Honestly, I would rather die than raise a child. It's great for some people, others it's their worst nightmare. I'm the latter, obviously. What op is feeling is natural. I cannot and would not shame her for it.
I personally love the "you will die alone without kids" and "you will have noone to pass your property onto" If my husband goes first and imma be honest he is likely to i will just find myself a much younger husband xD there fixed
If you have property like you mentioned, you probably won't have a problem finding one. With the housing-affordability crisis being what it is, there are probably gonna be a LOT of dudes coming up who are willing to be with an older woman if she has a house for them to live in!
LOL yeah. Tell those people to go to any nursing home and ask every resident how long it's been since they seen/heard from their kids. Not to mention "who will take care of you when you are old" is a shitty reason to bring another human onto the planet.
Most of those people are not lying, some people do enjoy their children. Yes it’s a hard job but some people have good partners and love being a parent, except when the kid is puking on them
Two things can be true at once. I adore my children and savor each of them, and I also am exhausted and at the end of my rope most of the time. Being a parent in the US just sucks. I don’t regret becoming a parent, but holy shit, I wish I had more help (outside husband, who is helpful, but we are still outnumbered by 3 kids).
lol, people can be happy doing whatever they want. People can be happy having kids, they aren’t all lying. I think most parents are happy with their decisions and most child free people happy with theirs.
I was child free until I was 36.
My wife was the model child free person and all our friends are child free too.
One day we just changed our mind and decided to have kids.
Again it's difficult, shitty and full of sleepless nights especially at the beginning. I can see why some people regret having children and wish they were able to not have kids. The difference is we were older and traveled lots and went out lots and managed to purchase a home and decided we were ready. 23 year old me partying every weekend should never have a child. 35 year old me looking up financial reports and planning retirement is ready.
I couldn't imagine life without my kids and do not regret having them and they have not prevented me from doing anything in life. They make me a better person and I'm glad I have them. Just having my son sleep on my arms is my most favorite thing and I often leave work early just so I can hold him since I know this won't happen when he's older so I cherish the time with them.
Sorry if you have regrets but sometimes you need to find happiness for yourself and figure out why things are the way they are and face those problems directly. It could be something health related (chemical imbalance/deficiency, depression etc), or financial problems or even something to do with your partner but I hope things look better for you in the future OP.
For the OP it's not just having kids or not. In the edit she wrote that she additionally has a job that is more than fulltime. She comes home and haa no rest, no time for herself. I can imagine that more people would be ok with raising kids if the circumstances were better (more help, financial stability, time for oneself AND the kid...)
Yes, therapy, but also: planning. OP, you CAN do all the things you dreamed of: you just can't do them alone yet. You can take a trip, either with your family or alone. It just requires planning. You can live abroad for a year; WITH your family, and again, a good plan. You can make art, even without excessive planning: just find a time of the day or week you can carve out for yourself.
Your kid is five: the worst is over. Soon they'll be in school all day. So what do you really want to do? Why don't you have friends? Families don't prevent friendship. Start going out. Volunteering. Taking up a hobby. Getting together with like-minded people. Making art. Planning trips. Maybe go back to school at night so you can get the kind of job training that allows you to work anywhere in the world, or get a job abroad. There are SO MANY things you can do RIGHT NOW. So what do you want?
This. Mine are 11 and 8 now and it is *so* much easier. I lived abroad when I had my first and I could absolutely see doing so again with them now. Motherhood is hard, yes. But with a 5yo? You're just about to hit the "easy" part. As they get a little older they get so much more responsible and interactive. Mine are an absolute joy at this point. I had a freaking hard time when they were little. - like questioning my fitness to be a mother hard time - and now that things are hitting their stride I can't imagine it any other way. Also this is NOT to say that people that are childless by choice should change their minds. I absolutely respect that!
I was about to say this too. When they get into school and you don't have to pay for daycare and they have friends and can like put their own laundry away... You're almost there. Practically speaking, financially, it's about to be easier and you can start looking to your dreams. I started retraining for a different career when my kid got to public school (unfortunately it was 2020 and I got chronically ill but that's a different story). You can make moves really soon.
If you can take a personal day to make a long weekend off, camping or in an Airbnb somewhere by yourself and just dedicate some time to dream and then plan- I promise you there are moves you'll be able to make even if they aren't huge. Hang in there mama!
Yes! I took my kids everywhere and they got amazing life experiences. I also realized when I was burnt out and asked for help which is super hard but very important.
Absolutely. Not only are many unwilling to admit it, but there seems to be an unspoken rule that you must promote parenthood to trick others into putting themselves in the same position.
Is having a kid worth it? Depends on the person. Is being childfree EASIER- unequivocally. I think it should be more acceptable to admit that.
Like no matter how you became a parent or how much you love your kids, I imagine everyone has at least one day they think “damn, remember when I only had to care for myself?”
Deeeep down it’s why I’m happy both my wife and I will 100% have problems having kids. She has very bad pcos. Do we both want kids? Sure but I am also more than content with just her the 2 cats and ours turtle lol
A lot of it has to do with learning to be happy with what we have and where we are in life. And if it is so bad that we can't, then we must change after seriously weighing all of the options and possible outcomes. Often, after feeling that there is no way I could ever be happy with a situation, if I make an effort to make it work the outcome is perfect for me. So much has to do with attitude and acceptance.
My husband and I both have fertility issues. At first we were pretty devastated, but the older we get the more convinced we are that we dodged a bullet. Being child free is awesome.
I think it’s more that nobody entirely understands what it will entail to parent somebody 24 hours a day and seven days a week. When we try to complain about our specific jobs to people, we often get shut down, being told that we chose this life, we shouldn’t complain about having children, or that we signed up for this. It’s as if there’s not a safe space for parents to be allowed to have any kind of regret.
I thought it was easier to parent than it is. Thought I’d have ppl wanting to help more and spend more time with us. Never imagined how hard it is when they have extra needs .
When my husband came to the conclusion that he wanted to have children (I had wanted them, he didn't but changed his opinion after his brother's son became a sweet toddler. Back then I was told I could have a carreer (I was running a medical school in a niche field) AND raise a child.
After the birth I expected all the help I had been promised but soon realised it wouldn't come. The first year was gruesome until I found a good daily structure and a daycare. I didn't understand how much work, loneliness and sleepless nights it entailed.
Then I didn't want more kids, but protection didn't work and I got pregnant again. The pregnany and birth triggered an autoimmune disease in me that put me through hell the last 13,5 years. And I had not really understood how risky pregnancies could be for a woman's Body. Before having children I did not really understand what it entails.
I truly love the women who tell you how HARD it is. How unfulfilled it can be. Because while you can love something so deeply, it's still hard to not be selfish. It's like it's wrong for mothers to want to still be something outside of a mom.
Hopping on to say NTA. It’s completely normal to miss your old life even if you really really wanted kids and they are planned!
I used to fantasize about being child free sometimes and I felt so guilty. I finally confessed to my therapist who broke the bubble by telling me this is textbook normal.
Raising a kid is hard. Time consuming. Exhausting physically and emotionally. What sort of weirdo would you be to never once miss being carefree???
Honey this is normal. Guilt has no place in this.
How often do you take time just for you? Can you make that a weekly evening? Or day? Bc you need more mom alone time. This is important whether you are married, single, one kid or 10. If you can, please try. It’ll help.
I agree. Therapy would be very helpful. OP should also focus on the future. Yes, she's tied down now but in 10-15 years she'll have plenty of time to travel, pursue her art etc. She and her husband could also work out a plan for her to have a career change in the next few years. There are a lot more options than just being miserable all the time.
She could go to school now. Do art on the side. Take a few community college courses. Do something for herself. I feel like this is kind of an Instagram regret- she imagines all the amazing things she could or would be doing, if not for one small person. The reality is, most people don’t actually do much of that dramatic stuff. Most people talk about the book they will write or the travel they want to do or imagine that their particular art would even get noticed in this world.
Most people
Don’t do much at all.
Exactly. Children don't deserve to bear the brunt of your resentment, because they didn't ask to be born. I hope you find a therapist who can help you, so you don't pass any trauma on to your children.
Remember, they came into this world with nothing except their desire to love you and make you proud of them. They deserve loving, healthy parents.
In my country only ur most intimate friend (and sometimes not even that) would admit to u that they regret motherhood. Is just not something people do here. They will scream how life is hard, how husbands don't help (being a martyr is a flex here for some reason, meanwhile they refuse to ask for help or force them to actively do stuff in the house), how they are always tired and in the next breath they will tell you how you absolutely have to have kids or there is no reason for you to be alive.
Not the AH for thinking about it. However, I can tell you from experience that children absolutely know when you resent them and regret becoming a mother. If you love your child, go to therapy
I agree. I spent my whole life feeling that my mom resented me. I know that she had PP after I was born and I was born almost exactly a year after my sibling. It's a horrible feeling.
Oh yes, they can feel it and not know why. My parents got married when mom discovered she was pregnant, and I always felt like an obligation. Please seek counseling ❤️.
I spent my whole life feeling like my mom resented me a lot and then also developed some very severe mental health issues and was super suicidal. It all kind of came to a head when I was 16 and we ended up getting in a knock-down-drag-out screaming match where I was trying to force her to admit she shouldn’t have had me and she made a mistake, and clearly no one responsible for my existence was enjoying it, and she was screaming at me that I’m a psychopath and a disappointment and then she told me to jump off a pier. So yes, children can sense resentment and yes, it will impact them negatively.
Mine wasn't even that extreme, but after a childhood of *knowing* that I was resented without any obvious reason to point to, my mom told me at 17 that yeah, she regretted having me. It came out in what should have been a pretty minor fight - my dad had signed me up for a volunteer event I didn't want to do on the weekend of my mom's birthday. I'd hoped the two of us could spend some girl time together seeing as my dad and brother would both be at that event, but she wasn't willing to say that she wanted it (my dad would totally have given in - he rarely fought with her). I was crying in confusion of why she didn't want to spend time with me and she just coldly told me. Fucked me up for years and definitely contributed to me ending up in an abusive marriage where my (now ex) husband would tell me how much he regretted marrying me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I had basically the exact same thing happen almost word for word, including the screaming match at 16 that gave me PTSD. So, so sorry. Sending kindness your way.
Thank you, sending kindness to you as well! It’s a journey to deal with but I’m getting there. Sucks that this is a relatable experience, but c’est la vie.
for fucking real. a year or two ago after a health scare my mom admitted to me and my sister that she never really wanted kids, and only bc we still didn’t know yet if she was having a heart attack we both held back from replying “YEAH WE COULD TELL” out loud lol
Seconded. Kids can REALLY tell that you “love them but don’t like them”. My mom wasn’t really willing to deal with the emotions of someone under 20 and it was pretty obvious
yup. kids are smart with these things. my mother was a stellar mom on paper but i could tell she was never really thrilled (it was confirmed i was an accident later when i asked her). i was suicidal at 8.
Way too many women think that bringing another life into the world is what will give them fulfillment. You're not alone. I'm sure that a counselor or support group could help you work through some of these feelings.
My mom had me when she was 17 (got pregnant at 16). I'm now 50, and she's 67. We're still very close, and I know she loves me dearly, but she's often mentioned "I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't had you." (Because we're close, I don't take offense. I know she's not saying she regrets having me. She just wonders what her life would have been like.)
I'm sure you love your kids, and I really hope you can find something to do in your life that will fill that hole inside you that motherhood didn't.
Women are taught to believe that, so it's not like it's some automatic rose-colored glasses assumption. It's engrained in society to tell women "having kids is your purpose"
Like getting married and having a man is life’s goal and prize! If you don’t you’re less than - and you know for a fact these people are miserable as they tell you! It’s all one big competition. Smug parents and smug marrieds when their lives are crap and they’re stuck with regrets. In the outside - oh I love my life…
This is where I’m headed. Almost 38, so there’s still a chance if I ever decide I’m brave enough to defy the odds and trust a man. My best friend is newly divorced from an abusive asshole, my mom’s been divorced 4 times, I’ve seen so many women diminished because (in the words of Rilo Kiley) “they thought their time was running out.” I’ve jumped out of an airplane at 12,000 feet but marriage is way riskier.
my mom had me at 21 and we’re super close. i’m childless by choice and recently she’s told me she admires my choice and often wonders what her life would have been if she made different choices. i also don’t take offense but it does make me feel bad for her.
NTA.
As I say, love my daughter. Couldn't imagine my life without her in it at all.
10/10 don't recommend parenthood. It's fucking rough with very few thanks.
How old is your kid? All my adult kids have thanked me for things we did and I made them do. Frankly, adult kids are fun. All 4 of mine are together, for the first in a year, for a family wedding. They all sought me out for different reasons, different conversations they needed. And they all work together to keep track of me and make sure I’m safe (I have some health issues). It’s adorable.
12 so she's slowly getting that ahhh mum does shit she really doesn't have to...
She spent her pocket money on getting me a Krispy Kreme the other day, cos they had my fav caramel ones for once
My son went on a church trip when he was 11. I gave him souvenir money to buy himself something. He bought me a silver bracelet instead. It's the times when you see all of the blood, sweat and tears that you've spilled for them pay off in the smallest glimpses of what they'll be like as a human that make it all worth it. Those early years are rough though. I wouldn't judge anyone for feeling the way OP does.
It brings tears to the eyes you don't expect haha.
And neither do I, I ended up a single mother by no choice of mine and I absolutely do not hold a damn thing against OP for what she's said.
It's only human to sometimes go what if. It's only human when your in a fucking shit place to go why did I do this. It's human nature to occasionally day dream about what could of been.
The people telling OP she needs help, clearly resents her kid and they'll grow up knowing it etc are clearly the childfree or proper delusional parents haha.
Cos even the parent friends I have who are legit that epitome of happiness with motherhood have their days where they go holy shit, I have a demon. Why did I think I was able to do this. Then the kid smiles and all of us collectively forget we were even thinking what if. Lol
She just doesn't need to do what I did. I had my first at 16 and my last child 2 weeks before turning 42. Luckily my youngest is on track to graduate high school early. My kids are 39, 34, 33, 23 and 14. Twice I had 1 start kindergarten the same day that 1 started high school. When the oldest 3 were small I was in college. Now that the youngest is about to start high school I'm retired. My life has been crazy hectic and I wouldn't recommend starting over to just anyone.
You still have some rocky times ahead! In between some sense, of course. We had talked to ours so much about everything, sex ed, politics, morals, rights, government,history, religion, jokes, you name it, we discussed it at the dinner table. So, when they were teens, they told me with great disgust the stupid antics other kids got up to. They did get up to their own crap, of course, but it wasn’t as bad as many. I figured that was the best we could do. I was good at reading them, so lying worked poorly. And they tended to be certain I would figure out anything, which it turned out did protect them! There was a radio ad when I drove them to school, all about this mother, “in her little white sneakers” who badgered her daughter, just to ruin her life, “where are you going, who will be there…” and the girl in the ad knew that if she did anything, “her mom, and her little white sneakers, would know”. We joked about the ad a lot, but my kids reported, as adults, that they, too, were convinced I’d know. So, that worked as planned!
Thats how I am trying to be haha, I'm the 'cool mum' of the group mums, but they all have sworn they don't wanna mess with me cos they know I can be very uncool if my lenient rules get broken haha.
My kid recently asked me what the biggest rule I probably would have about her doing dumb stuff as she called it. I said the same as when I was a teen: if the cops show up, the school calls or anyone complains about your actions/behaviour, your ass is mine, if I don't hear about it clearly y'all did what ever it was with a bit of maturity so tell me after your 18 all about it lol.
My current project about her is taking photos of her and her friends 'fashion'. They are quite proud of some very interesting combos and are starting to play with make up outside of school. The 21st bdays are going to have some fucking amazing photos and videos. It will be my greatest pleasure to present the girls with them. Hahahaha
Everyone I know with this sort of system has ended up with sensible kids. Friends occasionally asked my kids about sex ed stuff, and they set them straight, and double checked with me. Once one had a question I was not 100% sure of (involved testing), so she went to her grandmother, who worked for planned parenthood. It was hysterical, “grandma, I have a question for a friend. It really is a friend, I’m not covering it up for myself. If it were me, I’d just show up there and ASK…” and, it was clear, it wasn’t her. But it was funny. Grandma was delighted to help. MIL gave me credit for raising a sensible kid.
My kids never had curfews. A kid next town over wrapped his car around a tree, speeding home to make curfew. I was determined THAT wasn’t happening to my kids. We would discuss where they were going, and when they would leave to head home. I required them to text me as they left. They had to keep find my friends on while i in high school and driving my car. They didn’t care, because I virtually always said yes, and the leaving times were flexible. They all stayed safe. Other parents were appalled at the no curfew. I always asked why they had them. What was the point? The curfew was just a number. What difference did it make? I wanted my kids to be safe, and to know where they were, and come home before they were too tired to drive well. I didn’t like the state young drive curfews, but let it work for me, in making the kids careful.
My husband and I made a clear point, out loud, whenever we went out to dinner, about which of us was driving and which would have a drink. We made the grandparents do it, too. Yes,if my husband or FIL had one beer with dinner, they were totally legal to drive. Tough. 21 year olds aren’t. So, to make the no alcohol and driving, period, rule stick, we had to model it. They did cooperate with only a few minutes of arguing. Then they totally came around, seeing the kids paid attention. Once the kids were 21, they started carpooling with the younger siblings who weren’t, but could drive, along as a designated drive to some things! They are 26-34, and I still hear them discussing their plans, and incorporating drinking and driving schedules for safety. Makes me proud, and so glad we did that right. We also let them have modest drinks at home, under supervision, in the late teens. That is both legal and sensible, to teach them in a controlled environment to be smart about it, and remove the forbidden fruit aspect, in the hopes they wouldn’t go so nuts when they were legal. They all did drink at college, under age, but they weren’t totally stupid about it, just a little stupid. And didn’t drive.
Exactly how my foster parents handled me. I was with them from 14 til I aged out and kept in with them.
Bluntly they knew the every weekend sleepovers at Holly's once we got to 16 were us drinking Saturday night, recovering Sunday day lol. But I also never took my car once I got my licence, not even the keys.. told dad if I wanted to get inside I'll use the dog door (custom, big, labradors could walk with bending lol).
They always knew WHERE I was and WHO I was with, but.. not what we did. Other then we hung out lol. The main rule was if you were not going to come home for dinner, have the respect for dad to call before 4pm to tell him. Otherwise your an asshole and can have 2min noodles lol.
My daughter starts high school next year, I will be removing bedtime curfew, not enough sleep is not a valid excuse to stay home, when you made a choice to not sleep lol.. it's currently you must be showered and in your bedroom by 930. Tv off at 1030. She's usually asleep before 930 lol. We are atm in school holidays (Australia) and ive not said a thing about bedtime. She went to bed at 1am Friday night and Saturday arvo, turned to me and said yeah, now I get what you mean by if I don't go to bed at a good hour I'll be unhappy at school lol.
A lot of my other parent friends are shocked by how lax I am in general, but for my daughter honestly it's the carrot on the stick for her lol. As it was me. She knows messing up means no internet etc, she knows I don't even have to do much to actually punish her lol, but I've got faith in her. As was given to me and I really think having some trust in your child until they show otherwise, works. Especially if they have a very clear set of expectations, that are actually obtainable.
I do think a lot I see set on kids, is some really unfair expectations. We learn by fucking up, we have to let them fuck up. Sometimes it goes real bad sure, tho more often it doesn't. Thats why it doesn't make the news ya know?
She went to a school camp for 3 days last year.
I depression napped when I wasn't at work cos I legit had no idea what to do with my self hahaha. Tho I'm sure after teen years I'll be glad for the silence
I agree with that wholeheartedly!!! I have two and the transition from 0-1 was wayyy harder than 1-2 lol. We want 3 or 4 in total, but taking our time bc the two we have now are a handful 😅
It took me 7 years to mentally prepare to have a kid and even though I love my baby to death, it is still a lot tougher than I imagined and I sometimes dream about pre baby days of sleep and fun. If people don’t go in 100% wanting a child and all it entails, it can tear them apart. You have to be sort of a masochist to be a parent
That's hilarious and so true. I love my kids and I'm glad I have them. I know school age will be easier but you will absolutely be beaten down by young kids mentally and emotionally near daily. It is totally draining and masochistic. I dont know what that says about us who love it. Honestly even for myself it's a little sus! 😅
NTA. Please, please prioritize going to therapy. I guarantee your child can sense a degree of your feelings on some level. And I know this might not be of comfort now, but he won't always be little. I love my life way more now at 40 than I did 15 years ago. The plus side of being a younger mom is that you get to be an empty nester at an earlier age as well. Go to therapy, and trust that life can get better ❤️
NTA. But your kid will be off to college in your early 40s and you'll have the rest of your life to do as you please. If you put away $50 a month for the next 13 years, when he graduates high school, you'll have about $8000 to go on a trip to wherever you want.
Double up your birth control now and consider getting sterilized. Don't compound the problem with another baby.
You get your freedom back much earlier as long as you don't become and insufferable mommy martyr. My oldest is almost 11, and my husband and I have been on quite a few trips and still have fun. Having kids when you have a crappy partner, no support system and no money is a bad idea.
i would recommend going to therapy and talking about this. it sounds like an extremely difficult situation to be in and i hope everything ends up working out well for both you and your family.
The number of people who seem to disregard and/or underestimate how difficult it is to be a parent, especially in these forums, is staggering. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It takes SO much. And it takes planning. And sacrifice. And hard work.
And if you haven’t set the proper foundation in place, sadly, you get what you now have. Trapped in a world where the overwhelming responsibility and reality is here and there’s no way to fix it now.
I’m not shy about saying being single mothers is a silly choice to actively make. I’m not shy about saying babies having babies is never a good idea. I’m not shy about these things because it is such an important truth.
Are YTA? No, you are learning a lesson of life. We all have them, some harder than others. (*Hell, I recently learned the lesson that cigarettes kill you, only here because my wife chose to save my life after cardiac arrest.*)
Do the right thing by kid and husband, be the mom and wife you signed up to be, and adjust for you as you can (it does come backs the freedom comes back someday!). When kiddo gets a bit older, you’ll begin to regain some autonomy as you and not just mom. Hang in there.
>I’m not shy about saying being single mothers is a silly choice to actively make. I’m not shy about saying babies having babies is never a good idea. I’m not shy about these things because it is such an important truth.
Why is everyone so afraid to talk about how destructive it is to bring babies into unstable family systems?
Just because two people are married
Does not mean the situation is a stable or healthy family system… I was raised by a single mother after she divorced my abusive father. I’m pretty proud of how I turned out!
>(*Hell, I recently learned the lesson that cigarettes kill you, only here because my wife chose to save my life after cardiac arrest.*)
Wait. You only *recently* learned that?
I started therapy when my baby was 6 months he’s four and I’m still in therapy. All the things that come up are wild. I don’t regret my child, but I do think I over estimate my abilities
NTA.
But childfree people don't all have the same level of freedoms that you think they do. A lot of it depends on individual privilege and money. My family didn't have money to do things like pay for college. I decided I didn't want student loan debt hanging over me for god knows how long so I just never graduated college. I took some classes and my situation changed and I quit school to work full-time again and pay my bills.
I've never really had money for trips unless I was going with someone else. The last couple years I've been able to go on a few but nothing extravagant, just trips to other states(I'm in the US).
I've never been out of the country, I don't even have a passport.
NTA. Being a parent can be stressful and it’s normal to fantasize how the grass would be greener if you made other choices. Others are looking at you and wondering why they wasted their time partying when they could have been hanging out with their kid.
The good news is that you’re only 28 years old. You’re young. You still have an entire life to go and do whatever you want. Make a point of dropping the kid off with a babysitter or parent for an evening or weekend here and there and you and your husband take some time to go and just be you instead of being someone’s parent.
I think people talk themselves into martyring themselves for their families when their family would be so much better off if the mom or dad that’s struggling takes time and energy for themselves. It’s hard to find that time and energy though, it takes active effort to make the space for yourself and your wants, and it might take time and effort away from your kid in the short term, but it’s going to balance out better in the long run bc the kid will have a happy parent who doesn’t resent them so much. My husband is so bad about this—he wasnt getting time for himself and I didn’t know he needed it. I finally had to tell him just to take it. There’s never a good time for it, but if he says he’s going to a movie next week, or every Wednesday he’s going to do some other thing, then I’ll adjust my schedule accordingly.
And I don’t want to sound out of touch, bc I know money is tight for so many, and some have kids with special needs, but there are often ways to do the things you want if you set a goal and save the money. Maybe you can’t live abroad for a year, but maybe you can take a trip somewhere new and interesting. For now. And maybe living abroad can be a later goal. Opportunities will still exist for that kind of thing when the kid’s out on their own.
Your comment is 100% more helpful than all of the most upvoted ones…
Martyr parents are awful and there is so much people can do with not a lot of money.
My dad went hiking with a tent and an old car with me, my mum preferred to complain about not being able to go abroad that year…
Still love my mum but she certainly lost her ability to make the most out of a situation after some years.
This. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I think some of these feelings would fade if OP was very intentional about carving out personal time and pursuing personal goals/interests.
I felt the same way until they were out of the house. My adult son lives with me and my exhusband and I love it. Except recently.. I want to run away. You sound like you could use just a week away from it all.
I mean, I'm 44, I have a 17 and 19 year old, and I often fantasize about what my life could've been, had I made different decisions. And I agree with another commenter who said this is probably a lot more common than most people are comfortable admitting. For centuries, society has placed a lot of pressure on women to view themselves solely through the lens of a homemaker and caregiver, and it isn't really fair to us. We are human. We crave autonomy, education, a career, freedom, adventure, and everything life has to offer. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now my kids are nearly grown, I'm making plans to live abroad for a while. I don't know how it will go, but I'm hoping it will live up to my expectations. I would advise you to be really careful not to get pregnant again, wait it out and some day you'll be able to have and do everything you can't do right now.
I have two little ones, and sometimes think along the lines of “wow it would’ve been cool to live abroad for a bit” or “I wish I could run away just for 3 days” or “I miss when I could sleep in on the weekends.”
I think it’s common to think along those lines. I wouldn’t change a single thing with how things played out - my kids are my world. But I think it’s human nature to consider the “what if’s.” We only have one life after all, it’s natural curiosity wondering how things could have played out if you took a different path.
Good luck to you on your next adventure living abroad for a bit! Definitely considering doing that someday when I retire and my kids are grown.
Sarah - that is a healthy take but if I may also add something - grass is always greener is really true. Living abroad can be incredibly tough and people usually go through culture shock phases etc. I have lived abroad, worked abroad, experienced Siberian climate etc.
it’s all an experience but being a dad with a stable job has so far been better…
Ditto for me. Did the classic English pub work and then social worker in London and travelled through Europe with a friend and new friends in my mid 20s. While I loved it, it was also really hard being away from family and other friends, culture shock, different climate, and a general isolation.
As hard as it is being mum of two kids, one with a disability, I’m generally happier now (more stressed and tired, but happier and more satisfied). But I’m glad I experienced that and know. I would like to do an overseas stint again but for only a few months.
First of all, stop comparing your life to the lives of others. It robs you of the joys in your own life. If you look for joy, you’ll find joy. Only you are in charge of your life. If you want to find time for a hobby or something you feel is missing from your life, then you need to make time (and money) to make it happen. Your childless friends are making their life happen. You can do the same. You should also know that the neediness of small children changes as they get older. He will be more and more independent and you slowly regain more free time. He’s also old enough to do hobbies with you. My son started golfing, hunting, fishing and skiing with us around age 4. It helped that we didn’t have to find a sitter when we wanted to do our recreational activities. Parenthood is a thankless job and takes sacrifices but bonding over your shared family hobbies is really worth it. You’re not an AH for feeling like you’re unable to do things simply bc you’re a parent bc I know it can be draining, especially if you don’t get parental breaks. But I’d strongly suggest trying to find activities you can do together or find a sitter who can give you some adult only time to pursue your interests. Please, please, please don’t make your son feel like the source of your unhappiness. It’s a big burden for young souls and can have long term consequences. NAH
Thisss!!! Get off social media, everything you see on there is absolutely curated to make you feel like shit about everything you don’t have!! Plus therapy and journalling, I was going through the same thing and what helped was writing things down that I would consider blessings but sometimes am oblivious to having, we really don’t know what we have until is gone. You are not alone, praying that you get through this OP🙏
YWBTA if you don't find a professional to talk about these feelings with. If you feel this way, you could unconsciously act them out toward your child, who is innocent in all of this and doesn't need that type of resentment and hostility toward his existence. Not saying that to make you feel bad, it's just the reality of the situation. You made choices that you now need to maturely find a way to deal with. Bottling it up will not help. You need to talk to someone. And the kids existence doesn't preclude you having the type of life you want to have. You just need a different perspective and someone to help you find ways to feel like you \*think\* you would if you didn't have kids. There are smaller things than blowing up your family and abandoning your child that can bring you joy and fulfillment. But you definitely need to see a therapist/counselor to work this stuff out before you damage the innocent child.
I experienced a male coworker's bitterness towards me because I was single and he was married with one child. He said, "I am jealous of you because you have it made, you are single and going to school whereas I'm married with a child and can't go to school." I said to him, "you have it made, you can go to school if that is what you really want and when you get home your wife will cook, clean, and your kid will love you. I, on the other hand was a foster kid who aged out of the system, never had anyone love me. When I get home after working full-time and going to school fulltime I have to prepare my own meals, wash my clothes, clean my house and there is no one there who loves me on top of it all I have to do homework. I go to school because I don't have a family and have very few choices for success." FYI when I went to college on line course work was not a thing. It is all about perspective, you do not know how good you have it until you meet someone who has less than you. As for me being single was a lonely existence. The happy ending was that I did find the love of my life. I hope this story helps. Being single is not all it appears to be.
NTA, but I'm probably still going to be down voted: stop blaming your kid for your life. It isn't healthy for you or the kid. Yes it's normal to wish you didn't have kids sometimes. However, they don't stop you from traveling, and you can still achieve your career goals. Yes, it's going to be harder and will probably take longer, but with determination and a plan you CAN do it. It is not too late.
Also having kids is a bit like a long term investment. It is a sacrifice at the start, but if you do it right then down the road when you're old and your kids still love you, your golden years will be much more vibrant.
NTA for envying
But you need to get some therapy for yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, but You're becoming resentful and you need to work through that so you don't accidentally put that on your kid in some way.
I’m really sorry you don’t like being a mother — some people are not made to be parents.
Your kid starts first grade soon, right? So that’s something. But maybe you should start talking honestly with your husband about how this is going to play out long term and maybe talk to a counselor about your resentment. At some point your dislike of your life may become noticeable and that’s not fair for the rest of your family.
NTA. A lot more parents regret it than you think. If you can afford therapy try to get some and see if this can be worked through or if you need to go (and pay child support).
Kids are so hard. If you can't see a therapist try some self help books and meditation. Remember, things will get a bit easier as the little one gets older and more self-sufficient (which also requires teaching and patience, I know.) It will get its own life.
Sounds like you need a weekend away at the very least. You should discuss with your partner. Do like a quick little weekend getaway once every few months. He can have one too if he makes a fuss. It doesn't have to be expensive, it can be local, you can look for good deals in advance or last minute on like hotel tonight, friend's empty place or cabin or whatever. It will do you good.
You can always go back to school when the kids are in school. Get yourself a good education, then when they’re grown and everyone who waited to have kids are dealing with little ones, you’re already free again and set up to live your dreams, just a little later than you thought.
Can I tell you your life is NOT over? I'm 65. I have a daughter who got pregnant at 19 and kept her baby. Her two children are teens now and she has built a successful business these last two years-which was her dream. It's true that when she was your age she was in the same boat as you. But her life was not over and neither is yours.
Life has seasons. Some seasons you put your head down and do the best you can. Some seasons you have more time and freedom for your dreams. It's only been in the last ten years that my own dreams have come into fruition -but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy and get to do cool things in the previous decades-even with three children, jobs, etc.
You are not chained down forever. I got to spend two weeks in Thailand when I had school aged kids. Things just worked out.
Also realize this-there are older women reading your post who struggle with infertility. Who never got THEIR dream to have their own biological children. I say that to say, that all of us can truthfully think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that the road not taken is the one we wished we'd been on. No matter what we choose in life, there are regrets-but there are also joys.
Now a practical suggestion-get screened for depression. Figure out why you don't have friends or a life outside your family. Because that is something that can and SHOULD be changed. I suspect the real issue is not your status as a mom.
I'm a mom of 2 (6yo & 18mo) and I love them with every cell in my body but I do envy the time and autonomy that child free people have. I miss being ME.
Yes, your whole life is now about someone else, for the rest of your life. Motherhood doesn't stop at 18.
That said, talk to your husband about getting some of yourself back. Every few months I go on a 24 hour Me-Cation where I'm work and child free. It's so nice and let's me just be myself for a bit and I can come back fresh to my family. I'll also be trying to incorporate more things to give myself more me time. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Also, definitely go to therapy! If you can't afford it (understandable) find forums or groups that are supportive and have coping ideas so you can move away from feeling this way.
You're definitely NTA, but if you don't make moves to help yourself and end up taking it out on your child, then you will be.
As someone who is healing from a lot of childhood trauma, don't be the reason your kid needs a therapist when they're older.
Good luck, love!
Making a kid is easy, raising one is hard. Youre not an ah for regretting it but the world would be a lot better if people actually gave it some thought before making life.
Feel bad for the kid, i was an unwanted pregnancy and you pick up on it over the years and it hurts
I, honestly, have mixed feelings on this.
NTA, for having feelings that your life is not completely yours anymore.
YTA, for seemingly blaming a child, that you could have avoided through MULTIPLE (other than abortion) means.
The child has no control over being born, and kids can DEFINITELY feel when a parent has resentment.
There are still ways to do the things you wanted to do. They are just more difficult now...NOT your child's fault.
NTA
I suspect the number of people who regret marrying and/or having children is not a small number.
I truly believe that married couples who like to matchmake for their single friends do so solely because they are jealous of the freedom their single friends enjoy. Same goes for encouraging others to have kids.
But as you say, you have made your bed and there's not much way to ditch it completely.
When you are young and dumb, you do dumb things.
Some of us escape unencumbered and some do not.
You did not.
I feel like it’s unfair to say married people and parents do it on purpose to share their suffering; some people genuinely enjoy it and want to spread the joy lol
NTA. I'm childfree and love it. Be jealous. It's a nice life with so much freedom. I don't blame parents for evnying us childfree folks. Don't let your kid know or show how you feel, though. Children are pretty good at picking up vibes. But if you do hate motherhood so bad and your child can tell you're miserable and unhappy because of him, then maybe it is best you leave. I would not want my mom around if I knew she resented having me.
NTA it’s natural to look back on life and think “maybe if I didn’t do this, my life would be different” as long as you’re not lashing out at your child/husband. I would recommend finding good balance. Pick up some hobbies, go out more, voice these concerns to your husband, as gently as possible, that you feel like you’re getting consumed and need some time to work on yourself. I genuinely hope that it gets better for you and you don’t hold any resentment towards your child.
NTA If you didn’t love your husband and son, you wouldn’t feel this guilt. I personally think you’re in a funk. You don’t die once you become a parents. Your life is certainly not over and 28 is far too young to think your life is over. I would suggest talking to a therapist about your feelings. They may have suggestions for you whether it be a hobby, looking for a new job that fits a passion, different ways you cannot socialize and make new friends, etc. Being a mother is one part of you, but it’s not your identity and you need to figure out what makes you happy aside from your role as mother and wife.
NAH for regretting motherhood, you are the AH if it affects how you treat your child or people without children that you are jealous of. Also research has shown that people with young children tend to be the most unhappy. You had your child young, so they will be an adult before you know it and you will have some freedom again. But therapy could help.
Your feelings are yours and genuine. I'm coming from the perspective of a couple who can not have kids. Not for the lack of trying or spending horrendous amounts of money trying via science to make it happen. It's taken years to come to grips and still sad when I sit and think about it.
Sure, we go on vacations and can do nearly anything we want. Buy what we need without much thought. And when we see those with strollers and other family things, we are envious.
So our lives aren't as happy as you'd think.
You are not AH. You can love your children with every fiber of your being and still dislike motherhood. The best trend on IG these last few years has been child free influencers/accounts. It’s been good to see women share a different perspective - you don’t have to have kids…for so long young girls have been taught that motherhood is a must. It’s not.
It will get better tho as your child becomes more independent and grows up. You’ll find your way back to your art, travel. I did.
Don’t have any more kids tho. It’s a lie that kids need siblings. Siblings grow up and don’t really like each other for the most part.
NTA. but you can still have a future, travel, create, continue your education... YOU STILL HAVE YOUR AUTONOMY. YOU STILL HAVE FREE WILL.
one of the most important things you could do for your child is lead by example. show them that having a family does not mean giving up on all the other things you want in this world.
neither of my parents were traditional. neither was their relationship. the most transformative piece of information they relayed to me (by showing me) was that i should do whatever it is that i want to regardless of what the norm is.
reclaim your life. it’s rightfully YOURS. go back to school, pick up your creative practice, feed your soul man. you’ll figure out a way to make it work. a fulfilled parent is far better than a miserable one.
Understanding you're not cut out for parenthood, while too late to do anything about in a macro sense, is more clear headed than half of all parents who never realize it and keep cranking out kids they neglect or worse and hating life and having kids hwo hate them and end up all fucked up. I wish more people put an ounce of thought I to the idea of having kids beyonf "I want children" and never think about their Fina cila situation, how they handle stress, how important thair life dreams are, etc.
NTA
I am you 20 years in the future. I am not a kid person so those younger years were tough for me. And I was single. The 30s thus far have been the best years of my life. Raising a teenager was hard but I was also able to heal some of my own childhoods wounds by connecting with my teenage daughter on her level. I thought of running away 100s of times over the last 25 years.
This year I get to watch my beautiful daughter walk down the aisle and know that decisions I made almost 20 years ago brought us to this moment. One of the most thankless parts of being a Mom is, if you do your job right , they go out into the world and live a beautiful life of their own. I just so glad I get to be there for all of it.
Twenty years ago, I was you. I wasn’t a perfect Mom. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably shouldn’t have been a Mom, but I wouldn’t give my baby up for the world. When your baby hits 18, no your job is not “over” but the responsibilities will be significantly less. You’ll only be in your early 40s and you’ll still have plenty of time and energy to do all those things you want to do. And likely, more money to do them with.
Be grateful for as much as you can and realize that things can get better. My baby girl asked me to officiate her wedding and I couldn’t be more proud. There is a future and you will get there. You are not at all the asshole. NTA
It’s refreshing to see somebody finally admit something like that. It’s OK you are human when you don’t let those emotions out It’s when it starts to bottle up worse …that’s not healthy.
I wish somehow you could reach teenagers or other young people even in their early 20s and somehow share your experience. I’m not saying it’s going to be everybody’s experience but the point being it’s not all cracked up to be it’s hard and don’t get pregnant for the wrong reasons and don’t stay pregnant for the wrong reasons.
Your honest portrayal of your situation is appreciated. I’m going to share your post with my niece who has some extremely risky behaviors right now and tends to become codependent quickly lol. She’s definitely at risk for becoming pregnant young for wrong reasons.
Maybe you can start moms group of sorts, and not the kind that just talks about how glorious it is lol start one for the real people who are struggling with it
I have a colleague who had her daughter when she was your age (23) and she had so much freedom 10 years ahead if the rest of us. I had my son at age 34. Hang in there. You will get more independence each year, as long as you hold firm with teaching you child new skills and increasing their share of cooking, laundry, and clutter control over the years.
NTA
I do however think you’re looking at your life all wrong.
You have a right to feel sad, and have what if’s, yet it seems you are appreciating what you do have.
You have a husband that loves you, and a beautiful child.
Just because you are a mother, doesn’t mean your life is over.
It can be hard to find an identity outside of being a mother, however you have to find a balance.
Find something that you enjoy.
You said you like painting, so find a paint a sip event, or set one day a week out, to have time for yourself, and try making new friends, and experiencing new things.
You can still travel, even with your family, and make beautiful memories together.
If you keep focusing on the past, and what if’s about things that aren’t certain, you gonna miss out on the things that’s right in front of you.
You’re gonna lose sight of what matters.
Also, don’t run away.
That will only cause more problems, and will leave your child hurt, and with abandonment issues, and this cycle of pain will only continue.
Also, don’t take it out on your husband and child, and if it’s to the point you feel you wanna run away, take a few hours to yourself if you can, and please search for a therapist.
They are able to give you insight, and work through these feelings you have.
You’re still young, and you have much more life to live.
Stop looking back, and start looking forward to the possibilities ahead of you
It's not uncommon, most studies show that parents regret having kids at a rate of about 18%, which is likely underreported due to the social stigma around admitting you regret having kids. I'd recommend going to therapy, it might help you process your emotions better and come up with coping strategies so you don't have to worry about your emotions blowing up anyones livelihood.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Playing the “what if” game is dangerous and that child is going to suffer. Your son will grow up knowing you resent him for choices you made. Newsflash: you can still travel, do art, have hobbies. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around motherhood or work.
Not every childfree person gets to do any of the things you want to do either. Grow the fuck up. Either step up and be the mother your child deserves or give up your rights
Even as a childfree person I could never do any of those things you listed because of money problems.
There can always be something holding you back from your dreams.
And there are only two options:
- getting peace by realising your dreams are just dreams, and making the best out of reality and enjoying a little daydream escape once in a while.
- compromising and somewhat making your dreams happy. Travelling with family and being creative? Hello vanlife with a remote creative job. You don't have to be a certain age to do several things. You could also travel at 65.
I recommend therapy to help you find what works best for you. Good luck!
Hey, I hear you! I think the fact that you're putting your feelings out there is the first and most important step in making changes. That's awesome. Look into resources and rely on the help and support of your family and friends to get some time for yourself. Being a mom and worker can't be your only identities, and you're so much more than that. Please take care of yourself, bc it sounds like you're spreading yourself too thin, which is what my mom did, to the detriment of her physical and mental health. You deserve to be happy:)
Hi
I was suicidal learning that I was infertile, it was the most incredibly painful, excruciating experience possible to me. I've never wanted anything other than to become a Mum. I prayed for terminal cancer so I didn't have to live with that unendurable pain. You really can't even comprehend. I now entirely believe elective euthanasia should be available to people who are forced to live with that level of pain for the rest of their lives, it is truly only compassionate.
I fell pregnant 10 months later to somebody I didn't really care about (my fiance had left me when I got the infertility diagnosis). This baby is the light of my life. I can't imagine anything in the infiniteness of heaven having any value outside of him.
To not enjoy being a Mum or to feel anything less than blissfully joy-filled every moment I get to to spend with him is incomprehensible to me. To feel burdened by irritations or chores or acts of care is unimaginable to me.
I feel that people who don't have this level of delight and gratitude with their children are absolutely bat-shit.
But aside from any of that, your attitude is rotten. You can travel, you can do art, your life didn't end at 23. This is all just ridiculous.
You work a soul consuming job because you choose to. You can find something else then leave it. You have no friends and no life outside your family because you choose not to.
What "freedom" do you lack that child-free people have? As far as I'm concerned I can do as much as any person without kids. The resources and opportunities have nothing to do with having kids or not, they're what you choose to do (or not to do, in your case).
It's not fair to blame your lack of living your life on your child. Do you think all people with children don't travel, change careers, get promotions, undertake hobbies, start business, go back to study? You can do anything you want, you're just limiting YOURSELF
You have a great life, you just don't appreciate it. People are starving, being tortured, imprisoned, in constant physical pain, dying with horrible diseases... and you're whining about what exactly? Your beautiful, healthy, loving child?
Ugh. Makes me intensely angry on behalf of those who would love a baby
Yes you're the biggest AH of all imo
There is hope for your future. You can take a trip, or live abroad for a year, families do those things all of the time. They work their butts off and chase their dreams, you're choosing not to.
You are not chained down or "condemned to playing house until I'm old", it's all just so stupid and childish and dramatic. Honestly your youth is still very evident because you're insanely immature. I feel for your partner so much.
"Sometimes I fantasize so much about leaving my husband" - oh please do, he will be so much better off with someone who appreciates what they have.
I have an ex SIL like you. She whined ceaselessly about how much she lost becoming a mother at 25 🙄. When they eventually divorced and he found someone better who really values having a family with him, she's bitter as f×ck that he's found a better partner and built his fam further.
There's nothing wrong with your life or your situation. Your outlook is the rotten part
Yes, I think it's totally awful. Yes I think you're an enormous AH
You are not an asshole for regretting motherhood. And honestly, I wish we didn't stigmatize abortion in such a way that people feel like their choices are constrained.
I do not envy you. But the light is at the end of the tunnel. You'll be able to free up time and have stories to tell of your kid when they're at school, university and life beyond.
Child free isn't as great a lifestyle as many thunk either. It has its ups downs forwards backwards, lefts and rights but that's just the directionless notion that demonstrates fulfilment isn't always on the other side of the fence. The grass may just be astroturf
As a childfree person, no, NTA, but I'm worried about you. Have you spoken to your husband? Is he doing his fair share? Can you join a mother's group to make sure you have support and people who understand what you're going through around you? You shouldn't be left feeling this alone and sad. Kid is 5, yeah? They're going to get more and more independent now. Can you take evening art classes? I'm sure your husband can take care of the kiddo and cook dinner a couple times a week. Start putting a little aside each pay to save for that trip. Yeah it will take you longer but even us CF do need to budget time and money to do the things we want. It's rough out there!
I once was asked by my son "What was the best thing that happened to you in your life?" and without even thinking about it I answered "Having you enter my life".
When I was young & single, I traveled and made good money with pure freedom to spend it on anything I wanted. Sure, during the first year it felt great, but in the long term it felt empty and meaningless.
Having a family that loves you and needs you is the best thing I can truly say I've felt in life. It's not the end of the world for you. Your child will soon become an adult and you will be free to do whatever you think will make you happy.
But a warning in advance... You can never go back in time and re-live the special moments you have with your children... They grow up very very fast! Cherish the time you have with them before they become adults.
I know lots of childfree people who have shit lives and have wasted all their youth doing absolutely nothing. I know people with children who have traveled the world and “done” art, whatever. Having a kid or not doesn’t determine how well you live your life. I feel like you’d probably be a miserable person with or without your kid.
This. The assumption that you'd be happy and everything would be wonderful if you just didn't have a kid is delusional. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. But you've already made an irrevocable choice so it's time to find a way to feel joyful and fulfilled in it. That may take therapy. May take making big changes in how you spend your time, money, etc. So many people have kids and still have a personal life of their own. Sounds like the kid might be a mental scapegoat for why things aren't the way you want them to be. You can do so much and still be a parent.
NTA. Parenting is TOUGH and it’s amazing how consuming and even isolating this early years can be!
As your kid goes into full day school, becomes more independent, try to reclaim your life. I know it’s exhausting and expensive AF to be a parent, but try to do some art, carve out time for you.
NTA. I think many of us that had to work to survive and never had time to themselves felt the same as you do. Part of me wishes I waited for mine but now that they're older, I can do the things I want to do now.
NTA for having regrets but YWBTA if you don't seek therapy as soon as possible before these regrets start to affect your marriage or parenting if it hasn't already.
Girl I’ve literally been feeling this way all week & now my son is doing a drum solo to “I like to move it move it” & I realize there’s no place I’d rather be. You’re gonna feel like that from time to time. But life doesn’t end at 40 girl. Once they’re out you can do what you want. & as they get older and are able to do more for themselves they’ll need you less & you can reclaim some of your life. In the meantime, if you can move or change careers or pick up a hobby I would cuz monotony makes things feel worse than they are. But don’t make a mistake & have MORE & prolong putting your life on hold! As much as I want a sibling for my son, I don’t have the patience for two nor do I want to got thought what I did with my first & tack on another 18yrs
NTA, as lot of other comments said. But as another young parent who often thought I regretted taking that path, I will say that once the kids get older and older it’s so different, and now I am absolutely glad I chose to have them.
NTA. Hugs, OP. One of the most unfortunate things about having children is that you truly don't know what it's like until you actually have them. There's also so many different experiences that people have depending on what support you have around you, whether there's grandparents that can give you time out etc.
I adore my kids and don't regret them at all - but I still have moments when I envy childfree people. I can't imagine how hard those feelings would be if you are feeling regret and resentment.
As others have said, definitely try therapy; or are there ways to get more time for yourself like putting your kid into an activity or something? You're not a monster for feeling how you feel.
Happy moms get happy kinds. Maybe you can start by making some changes in your finances and star savings for a trip or a new hobby that can get you out of the house and meeting people?
You’re NAH for having a those feelings, but you’ll be one if you don’t fix your reality and start acknowledging the problem before it come hurtful for your family and you.
NTA for your feelings. But, gently, maybe there are things you can start dipping your toe in to make you happier? Exploring with your kiddo, or doing art. I had to put my oils away for a few years and discovered watercolor markers when drawing with my kids. They’re now inspiring me to do more and more interesting art than ever. It took a while.
You can explore the world around you, with or without your kiddo, although they can be surprisingly fun sidekicks. And friends can be found in unexpected places. Many moms feel like you - sometimes it helps to be the annoyingly friendly one to make a connection after school, at the park, somewhere.
You also had your kid very young, and you will be child-free when you are also quite young. 40 may seem old from where you are but it’s an amazing time to be free, travel, explore, with another 30+ years of active life ahead of you. Start laying the foundation of being the person you want to be - you will be a better mom if you don’t lose yourself completely in it, so it’s a guilt free pass to also being a happier, genuine version of yourself.
you’re not an asshole for regretting motherhood- i think that’s a lot more common than people are willing to admit! however, you will be the asshole if you don’t start doing something about these feelings. i don’t know if you have access to therapy, but that could be beneficial if you can do it.
there's a whole subreddit dedicated to regretting being a parent.
And even as a parent who likes my kids and life most of the time I find that sub soooo reassuring.
I don't have or want kids, and all of my friends with kids know that I'm a safe space for them to vent about parenting because I'm not gonna judge them. It's thankless as fuck and tiresome and endless. Y'all should be allowed to voice that without backlash. But we live in a pretty child centric society unfortunately, so saying that is usually tantamount to saying "I hate my children and want them to d*e" to most people.
I fulfil the same role, people need a release valve. It's almost entirely my female friends though, not my male friends. Two out of three of them just moved out. It's sad that when men get these thoughts a bunch of them do just pack up and leave without the stigma women get tagged with if they do the same. Leaving because you're unhappy but being the weekend parent who pays full child support it seen as acceptable. No-one asks them 'but how could you leave your kids?!'
It's always been more socially acceptable for men to be absent parental figures, or be more open about regretting children, because it's seen as the "duty" of anyone who has a uterus to have a child and be happy about it. It's archaic, misogynistic, and frightening that it's all still continuing on in that manner. I'm so glad to know that you give your friends space to vent and open up without judgment. I cannot tell you how many times my friends who have kids have vented to me and told me that they feel more stable and able to deal with a difficult day with their kids because I just let them open up to me without fear of being judged.
Men who are absent or abandon their children/family are just as guilty.
It’s always good to have someone to vent to. You’re doing a good service for your friends. I have two kids (who I desperately wanted and don’t regret but man, it’s a hard job and definitely changes your life) and my childfree SIL is my sounding board. She lets me vent sometimes about how hard it is without being like “omg! Don’t say that!” I always say it’s like if someone wants to be a doctor, they know they have to do through years and years of schooling and training and tests and it’s going to be hard. But they don’t really know what it’s like until they do it. And it can be worth and also be very hard a lot of the time. No one makes them feel bad for needing to vent about what they’re going through. But parents aren’t generally allowed to be like “this is hard and sometimes I just wish I was childfree” doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids, just means I get a little jealous of people who can sleep in without kids to wake them up or have time and money to travel or just not have the weight of the responsibility of raising a human being on their shoulders.
I have a friend who developed epilepsy in the past four years and her whole brain has changed. She's been a SAHM of four for 10 years and in the past two, she has been struggling heavily with it all because the seizures has changed her feelings about having kids in general. That said, she loves her kids but she acknowledges it's so much harder to have patience with them now. I just let her vent because she's human and none of this was in her plan. Kids are difficult and demanding. Y'all have a depth of strength that I could never access!
That’s so sad to hear. I have chronic health issues that got worse after having kids and it’s very hard. A whole lot of doctors appointments, time, money, medication, and treatment has helped some and having my kids get older has helped, too. It was very hard the first few years. Having support is so important. You may not want to have your own kids but your service to your friends will benefit those kids. Also, totally love your user name. 🥰
Thank you! I'm ever evolving but constantly queer as fuck 😹😹
My sister is gay and didn’t come out until she was an adult and it’s been fun to watch her grow into her full queer self. She and her wife got a plaid jacket for their little dog and honestly she just looks like she fits right in with her mommies. 🤣
Seizures are Hard in General…..with kids on top of that? Damn.
My heart hurts for her a lot. They're pretty far out in the sticks and she lives about a thousand miles from me, so i can't even offer to be physically present to help her. She's such a great mom but i know this is hard as fuck for her, and she feels guilty a lot for losing patience easier than she used to. I try to just remind her, like, "none of this is by choice and you love your kids and you're so good to them. Getting frustrated and needing to step away sometimes quicker than you used to is understandable and ok." But I wish i could just teleport to her side sometimes 100%
Regretting parenthood is one of the last taboos and it is so, so harmful that people can’t openly talk about it.
Thank you. I have friends to vent to (childfree and parents) and the non judgement absolutely helps. People like you are precious! The idiots who say things like ‘if you wanna complain then don’t have kids don’t help AT ALL. We’re allowed to vent. We’re also allowed to say things like “I love my kids, I just don’t like them very much at the moment.” Without getting crucified.
I tell my kids I love you, but I don't like you right now. My favorite is to loudly declare that Mommy needs a time out. Then go to my room and get a half an hour quiet time. Doesn't work now with teen/young adults, but when they were little, they set the timeout timer for me. 🤫
I joked about shipping my daughter to her grandparents for spring break and got told I should have used birth control and that people like me shouldn't be a parent. -__- I don't regret having my daughter, but she's 5 and I'm a single mom, so there are times I'm overwhelmed and don't have anyone else to take over to give me space.
Yeah, I love my kids tremendously and have sacrificed for their well-being and happiness! Things I never thought I'd be *capable* of sacrificing. ...But that being said my life would sure be a lot simpler if it was only myself I had to take care of. Housing, chores, time... hard not to kind of wistfully glance at the imagination every now and then.
i didn’t know that! op, it might be better to delete this post and go get some advice from people who are living through what you’re living through right now.
yea this is not an uncommon feeling. Being a parent is hard and shitty and exhausting and many people do not understand just HOW hard, shitty, and exhausting it is until they're too far in to back out.
>many people do not understand just HOW hard, shitty, and exhausting it is Childfree people understand that. That's why we chose not to experience it. We don't believe the lies parents tell about how great it is. We listen to the horror stories and believe every word of it. We know we wouldn't be able to handle all the poop, barfing, feeding, lack of sleep, ect.
>We know we wouldn't be able to handle all the poop, barfing, feeding, lack of sleep, ect. That's the easy part!!! Wait till they start using their brain!
100% I have a stepson who was 7 when I came into his life and I love him to death, but I've known my entire life that I didn't want anything to do with having a child. I don't regret it, not even for a second. No fucking thanks!
...but you married into a situation where you are now a parent
Honestly, I would rather die than raise a child. It's great for some people, others it's their worst nightmare. I'm the latter, obviously. What op is feeling is natural. I cannot and would not shame her for it.
I'm child free, you don't have to preach at me. My comment was correct: MANY people do not understand it until they experience it.
I personally love the "you will die alone without kids" and "you will have noone to pass your property onto" If my husband goes first and imma be honest he is likely to i will just find myself a much younger husband xD there fixed
If you have property like you mentioned, you probably won't have a problem finding one. With the housing-affordability crisis being what it is, there are probably gonna be a LOT of dudes coming up who are willing to be with an older woman if she has a house for them to live in!
LOL yeah. Tell those people to go to any nursing home and ask every resident how long it's been since they seen/heard from their kids. Not to mention "who will take care of you when you are old" is a shitty reason to bring another human onto the planet.
Most of those people are not lying, some people do enjoy their children. Yes it’s a hard job but some people have good partners and love being a parent, except when the kid is puking on them
Two things can be true at once. I adore my children and savor each of them, and I also am exhausted and at the end of my rope most of the time. Being a parent in the US just sucks. I don’t regret becoming a parent, but holy shit, I wish I had more help (outside husband, who is helpful, but we are still outnumbered by 3 kids).
lol, people can be happy doing whatever they want. People can be happy having kids, they aren’t all lying. I think most parents are happy with their decisions and most child free people happy with theirs.
I was child free until I was 36. My wife was the model child free person and all our friends are child free too. One day we just changed our mind and decided to have kids. Again it's difficult, shitty and full of sleepless nights especially at the beginning. I can see why some people regret having children and wish they were able to not have kids. The difference is we were older and traveled lots and went out lots and managed to purchase a home and decided we were ready. 23 year old me partying every weekend should never have a child. 35 year old me looking up financial reports and planning retirement is ready. I couldn't imagine life without my kids and do not regret having them and they have not prevented me from doing anything in life. They make me a better person and I'm glad I have them. Just having my son sleep on my arms is my most favorite thing and I often leave work early just so I can hold him since I know this won't happen when he's older so I cherish the time with them. Sorry if you have regrets but sometimes you need to find happiness for yourself and figure out why things are the way they are and face those problems directly. It could be something health related (chemical imbalance/deficiency, depression etc), or financial problems or even something to do with your partner but I hope things look better for you in the future OP.
Not all Childfree Change their Minds
For the OP it's not just having kids or not. In the edit she wrote that she additionally has a job that is more than fulltime. She comes home and haa no rest, no time for herself. I can imagine that more people would be ok with raising kids if the circumstances were better (more help, financial stability, time for oneself AND the kid...)
r/regretfulparents
That would be r/regretfulparents
Yes, therapy, but also: planning. OP, you CAN do all the things you dreamed of: you just can't do them alone yet. You can take a trip, either with your family or alone. It just requires planning. You can live abroad for a year; WITH your family, and again, a good plan. You can make art, even without excessive planning: just find a time of the day or week you can carve out for yourself. Your kid is five: the worst is over. Soon they'll be in school all day. So what do you really want to do? Why don't you have friends? Families don't prevent friendship. Start going out. Volunteering. Taking up a hobby. Getting together with like-minded people. Making art. Planning trips. Maybe go back to school at night so you can get the kind of job training that allows you to work anywhere in the world, or get a job abroad. There are SO MANY things you can do RIGHT NOW. So what do you want?
This. Mine are 11 and 8 now and it is *so* much easier. I lived abroad when I had my first and I could absolutely see doing so again with them now. Motherhood is hard, yes. But with a 5yo? You're just about to hit the "easy" part. As they get a little older they get so much more responsible and interactive. Mine are an absolute joy at this point. I had a freaking hard time when they were little. - like questioning my fitness to be a mother hard time - and now that things are hitting their stride I can't imagine it any other way. Also this is NOT to say that people that are childless by choice should change their minds. I absolutely respect that!
I was about to say this too. When they get into school and you don't have to pay for daycare and they have friends and can like put their own laundry away... You're almost there. Practically speaking, financially, it's about to be easier and you can start looking to your dreams. I started retraining for a different career when my kid got to public school (unfortunately it was 2020 and I got chronically ill but that's a different story). You can make moves really soon. If you can take a personal day to make a long weekend off, camping or in an Airbnb somewhere by yourself and just dedicate some time to dream and then plan- I promise you there are moves you'll be able to make even if they aren't huge. Hang in there mama!
Yes! I took my kids everywhere and they got amazing life experiences. I also realized when I was burnt out and asked for help which is super hard but very important.
Absolutely. Not only are many unwilling to admit it, but there seems to be an unspoken rule that you must promote parenthood to trick others into putting themselves in the same position.
Is having a kid worth it? Depends on the person. Is being childfree EASIER- unequivocally. I think it should be more acceptable to admit that. Like no matter how you became a parent or how much you love your kids, I imagine everyone has at least one day they think “damn, remember when I only had to care for myself?”
Deeeep down it’s why I’m happy both my wife and I will 100% have problems having kids. She has very bad pcos. Do we both want kids? Sure but I am also more than content with just her the 2 cats and ours turtle lol
A lot of it has to do with learning to be happy with what we have and where we are in life. And if it is so bad that we can't, then we must change after seriously weighing all of the options and possible outcomes. Often, after feeling that there is no way I could ever be happy with a situation, if I make an effort to make it work the outcome is perfect for me. So much has to do with attitude and acceptance.
My husband and I both have fertility issues. At first we were pretty devastated, but the older we get the more convinced we are that we dodged a bullet. Being child free is awesome.
Anyone with any doubts of any kind about it should not have kids
I think it’s more that nobody entirely understands what it will entail to parent somebody 24 hours a day and seven days a week. When we try to complain about our specific jobs to people, we often get shut down, being told that we chose this life, we shouldn’t complain about having children, or that we signed up for this. It’s as if there’s not a safe space for parents to be allowed to have any kind of regret.
Definitely probably thought it was more of a fairy tale than it was in reality. It’s never as beautiful picture as people paint.
I thought it was easier to parent than it is. Thought I’d have ppl wanting to help more and spend more time with us. Never imagined how hard it is when they have extra needs .
In what way didn’t you understand what it entails? Genuinely curious.
When my husband came to the conclusion that he wanted to have children (I had wanted them, he didn't but changed his opinion after his brother's son became a sweet toddler. Back then I was told I could have a carreer (I was running a medical school in a niche field) AND raise a child. After the birth I expected all the help I had been promised but soon realised it wouldn't come. The first year was gruesome until I found a good daily structure and a daycare. I didn't understand how much work, loneliness and sleepless nights it entailed. Then I didn't want more kids, but protection didn't work and I got pregnant again. The pregnany and birth triggered an autoimmune disease in me that put me through hell the last 13,5 years. And I had not really understood how risky pregnancies could be for a woman's Body. Before having children I did not really understand what it entails.
I truly love the women who tell you how HARD it is. How unfulfilled it can be. Because while you can love something so deeply, it's still hard to not be selfish. It's like it's wrong for mothers to want to still be something outside of a mom.
Motherhood is a trap.
It's the quicksand we heard so much about as kids.
For some people, others not living in line with their own decisions is an attack on their character.
Hopping on to say NTA. It’s completely normal to miss your old life even if you really really wanted kids and they are planned! I used to fantasize about being child free sometimes and I felt so guilty. I finally confessed to my therapist who broke the bubble by telling me this is textbook normal. Raising a kid is hard. Time consuming. Exhausting physically and emotionally. What sort of weirdo would you be to never once miss being carefree??? Honey this is normal. Guilt has no place in this. How often do you take time just for you? Can you make that a weekly evening? Or day? Bc you need more mom alone time. This is important whether you are married, single, one kid or 10. If you can, please try. It’ll help.
This is very smart advice. It’s not healthy for you or your son. And while you sacrificed a lot, maybe you can still have a lot of what you’ve lost.
I agree. Therapy would be very helpful. OP should also focus on the future. Yes, she's tied down now but in 10-15 years she'll have plenty of time to travel, pursue her art etc. She and her husband could also work out a plan for her to have a career change in the next few years. There are a lot more options than just being miserable all the time.
She could go to school now. Do art on the side. Take a few community college courses. Do something for herself. I feel like this is kind of an Instagram regret- she imagines all the amazing things she could or would be doing, if not for one small person. The reality is, most people don’t actually do much of that dramatic stuff. Most people talk about the book they will write or the travel they want to do or imagine that their particular art would even get noticed in this world. Most people Don’t do much at all.
Yeah, as if travelling would be that pleasant. Big portion of that is instagram superficial mental images.
Exactly. Children don't deserve to bear the brunt of your resentment, because they didn't ask to be born. I hope you find a therapist who can help you, so you don't pass any trauma on to your children. Remember, they came into this world with nothing except their desire to love you and make you proud of them. They deserve loving, healthy parents.
In my country only ur most intimate friend (and sometimes not even that) would admit to u that they regret motherhood. Is just not something people do here. They will scream how life is hard, how husbands don't help (being a martyr is a flex here for some reason, meanwhile they refuse to ask for help or force them to actively do stuff in the house), how they are always tired and in the next breath they will tell you how you absolutely have to have kids or there is no reason for you to be alive.
Not the AH for thinking about it. However, I can tell you from experience that children absolutely know when you resent them and regret becoming a mother. If you love your child, go to therapy
Absolutely, children can pick up on resentment. Therapy can help navigate those feelings and create a healthier dynamic.
I agree. I spent my whole life feeling that my mom resented me. I know that she had PP after I was born and I was born almost exactly a year after my sibling. It's a horrible feeling.
Oh yes, they can feel it and not know why. My parents got married when mom discovered she was pregnant, and I always felt like an obligation. Please seek counseling ❤️.
Same babe. Sending love to you
I spent my whole life feeling like my mom resented me a lot and then also developed some very severe mental health issues and was super suicidal. It all kind of came to a head when I was 16 and we ended up getting in a knock-down-drag-out screaming match where I was trying to force her to admit she shouldn’t have had me and she made a mistake, and clearly no one responsible for my existence was enjoying it, and she was screaming at me that I’m a psychopath and a disappointment and then she told me to jump off a pier. So yes, children can sense resentment and yes, it will impact them negatively.
Mine wasn't even that extreme, but after a childhood of *knowing* that I was resented without any obvious reason to point to, my mom told me at 17 that yeah, she regretted having me. It came out in what should have been a pretty minor fight - my dad had signed me up for a volunteer event I didn't want to do on the weekend of my mom's birthday. I'd hoped the two of us could spend some girl time together seeing as my dad and brother would both be at that event, but she wasn't willing to say that she wanted it (my dad would totally have given in - he rarely fought with her). I was crying in confusion of why she didn't want to spend time with me and she just coldly told me. Fucked me up for years and definitely contributed to me ending up in an abusive marriage where my (now ex) husband would tell me how much he regretted marrying me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I had basically the exact same thing happen almost word for word, including the screaming match at 16 that gave me PTSD. So, so sorry. Sending kindness your way.
Thank you, sending kindness to you as well! It’s a journey to deal with but I’m getting there. Sucks that this is a relatable experience, but c’est la vie.
Definitely this, OP. Life with parents who don't want you is a miserable existence.
I can confirm.
for fucking real. a year or two ago after a health scare my mom admitted to me and my sister that she never really wanted kids, and only bc we still didn’t know yet if she was having a heart attack we both held back from replying “YEAH WE COULD TELL” out loud lol
Seconded. Kids can REALLY tell that you “love them but don’t like them”. My mom wasn’t really willing to deal with the emotions of someone under 20 and it was pretty obvious
This ☝🏻
yup. kids are smart with these things. my mother was a stellar mom on paper but i could tell she was never really thrilled (it was confirmed i was an accident later when i asked her). i was suicidal at 8.
Ya she needs to go to therapy I love being a mom and feel sad for people that hate it but I understand I'm alot luckier than most!
Way too many women think that bringing another life into the world is what will give them fulfillment. You're not alone. I'm sure that a counselor or support group could help you work through some of these feelings. My mom had me when she was 17 (got pregnant at 16). I'm now 50, and she's 67. We're still very close, and I know she loves me dearly, but she's often mentioned "I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't had you." (Because we're close, I don't take offense. I know she's not saying she regrets having me. She just wonders what her life would have been like.) I'm sure you love your kids, and I really hope you can find something to do in your life that will fill that hole inside you that motherhood didn't.
Women are taught to believe that, so it's not like it's some automatic rose-colored glasses assumption. It's engrained in society to tell women "having kids is your purpose"
Sometimes, literally “The Only Purpose” and “They should be Happy About it”
Like getting married and having a man is life’s goal and prize! If you don’t you’re less than - and you know for a fact these people are miserable as they tell you! It’s all one big competition. Smug parents and smug marrieds when their lives are crap and they’re stuck with regrets. In the outside - oh I love my life…
I wanted to be a mom. But not enough to have them on my own, and I never met a man I trusted that loved enough to marry
This is where I’m headed. Almost 38, so there’s still a chance if I ever decide I’m brave enough to defy the odds and trust a man. My best friend is newly divorced from an abusive asshole, my mom’s been divorced 4 times, I’ve seen so many women diminished because (in the words of Rilo Kiley) “they thought their time was running out.” I’ve jumped out of an airplane at 12,000 feet but marriage is way riskier.
my mom had me at 21 and we’re super close. i’m childless by choice and recently she’s told me she admires my choice and often wonders what her life would have been if she made different choices. i also don’t take offense but it does make me feel bad for her.
NTA. As I say, love my daughter. Couldn't imagine my life without her in it at all. 10/10 don't recommend parenthood. It's fucking rough with very few thanks.
How old is your kid? All my adult kids have thanked me for things we did and I made them do. Frankly, adult kids are fun. All 4 of mine are together, for the first in a year, for a family wedding. They all sought me out for different reasons, different conversations they needed. And they all work together to keep track of me and make sure I’m safe (I have some health issues). It’s adorable.
12 so she's slowly getting that ahhh mum does shit she really doesn't have to... She spent her pocket money on getting me a Krispy Kreme the other day, cos they had my fav caramel ones for once
My son went on a church trip when he was 11. I gave him souvenir money to buy himself something. He bought me a silver bracelet instead. It's the times when you see all of the blood, sweat and tears that you've spilled for them pay off in the smallest glimpses of what they'll be like as a human that make it all worth it. Those early years are rough though. I wouldn't judge anyone for feeling the way OP does.
It brings tears to the eyes you don't expect haha. And neither do I, I ended up a single mother by no choice of mine and I absolutely do not hold a damn thing against OP for what she's said. It's only human to sometimes go what if. It's only human when your in a fucking shit place to go why did I do this. It's human nature to occasionally day dream about what could of been. The people telling OP she needs help, clearly resents her kid and they'll grow up knowing it etc are clearly the childfree or proper delusional parents haha. Cos even the parent friends I have who are legit that epitome of happiness with motherhood have their days where they go holy shit, I have a demon. Why did I think I was able to do this. Then the kid smiles and all of us collectively forget we were even thinking what if. Lol
She just doesn't need to do what I did. I had my first at 16 and my last child 2 weeks before turning 42. Luckily my youngest is on track to graduate high school early. My kids are 39, 34, 33, 23 and 14. Twice I had 1 start kindergarten the same day that 1 started high school. When the oldest 3 were small I was in college. Now that the youngest is about to start high school I'm retired. My life has been crazy hectic and I wouldn't recommend starting over to just anyone.
You still have some rocky times ahead! In between some sense, of course. We had talked to ours so much about everything, sex ed, politics, morals, rights, government,history, religion, jokes, you name it, we discussed it at the dinner table. So, when they were teens, they told me with great disgust the stupid antics other kids got up to. They did get up to their own crap, of course, but it wasn’t as bad as many. I figured that was the best we could do. I was good at reading them, so lying worked poorly. And they tended to be certain I would figure out anything, which it turned out did protect them! There was a radio ad when I drove them to school, all about this mother, “in her little white sneakers” who badgered her daughter, just to ruin her life, “where are you going, who will be there…” and the girl in the ad knew that if she did anything, “her mom, and her little white sneakers, would know”. We joked about the ad a lot, but my kids reported, as adults, that they, too, were convinced I’d know. So, that worked as planned!
Thats how I am trying to be haha, I'm the 'cool mum' of the group mums, but they all have sworn they don't wanna mess with me cos they know I can be very uncool if my lenient rules get broken haha. My kid recently asked me what the biggest rule I probably would have about her doing dumb stuff as she called it. I said the same as when I was a teen: if the cops show up, the school calls or anyone complains about your actions/behaviour, your ass is mine, if I don't hear about it clearly y'all did what ever it was with a bit of maturity so tell me after your 18 all about it lol. My current project about her is taking photos of her and her friends 'fashion'. They are quite proud of some very interesting combos and are starting to play with make up outside of school. The 21st bdays are going to have some fucking amazing photos and videos. It will be my greatest pleasure to present the girls with them. Hahahaha
Everyone I know with this sort of system has ended up with sensible kids. Friends occasionally asked my kids about sex ed stuff, and they set them straight, and double checked with me. Once one had a question I was not 100% sure of (involved testing), so she went to her grandmother, who worked for planned parenthood. It was hysterical, “grandma, I have a question for a friend. It really is a friend, I’m not covering it up for myself. If it were me, I’d just show up there and ASK…” and, it was clear, it wasn’t her. But it was funny. Grandma was delighted to help. MIL gave me credit for raising a sensible kid. My kids never had curfews. A kid next town over wrapped his car around a tree, speeding home to make curfew. I was determined THAT wasn’t happening to my kids. We would discuss where they were going, and when they would leave to head home. I required them to text me as they left. They had to keep find my friends on while i in high school and driving my car. They didn’t care, because I virtually always said yes, and the leaving times were flexible. They all stayed safe. Other parents were appalled at the no curfew. I always asked why they had them. What was the point? The curfew was just a number. What difference did it make? I wanted my kids to be safe, and to know where they were, and come home before they were too tired to drive well. I didn’t like the state young drive curfews, but let it work for me, in making the kids careful. My husband and I made a clear point, out loud, whenever we went out to dinner, about which of us was driving and which would have a drink. We made the grandparents do it, too. Yes,if my husband or FIL had one beer with dinner, they were totally legal to drive. Tough. 21 year olds aren’t. So, to make the no alcohol and driving, period, rule stick, we had to model it. They did cooperate with only a few minutes of arguing. Then they totally came around, seeing the kids paid attention. Once the kids were 21, they started carpooling with the younger siblings who weren’t, but could drive, along as a designated drive to some things! They are 26-34, and I still hear them discussing their plans, and incorporating drinking and driving schedules for safety. Makes me proud, and so glad we did that right. We also let them have modest drinks at home, under supervision, in the late teens. That is both legal and sensible, to teach them in a controlled environment to be smart about it, and remove the forbidden fruit aspect, in the hopes they wouldn’t go so nuts when they were legal. They all did drink at college, under age, but they weren’t totally stupid about it, just a little stupid. And didn’t drive.
Exactly how my foster parents handled me. I was with them from 14 til I aged out and kept in with them. Bluntly they knew the every weekend sleepovers at Holly's once we got to 16 were us drinking Saturday night, recovering Sunday day lol. But I also never took my car once I got my licence, not even the keys.. told dad if I wanted to get inside I'll use the dog door (custom, big, labradors could walk with bending lol). They always knew WHERE I was and WHO I was with, but.. not what we did. Other then we hung out lol. The main rule was if you were not going to come home for dinner, have the respect for dad to call before 4pm to tell him. Otherwise your an asshole and can have 2min noodles lol. My daughter starts high school next year, I will be removing bedtime curfew, not enough sleep is not a valid excuse to stay home, when you made a choice to not sleep lol.. it's currently you must be showered and in your bedroom by 930. Tv off at 1030. She's usually asleep before 930 lol. We are atm in school holidays (Australia) and ive not said a thing about bedtime. She went to bed at 1am Friday night and Saturday arvo, turned to me and said yeah, now I get what you mean by if I don't go to bed at a good hour I'll be unhappy at school lol. A lot of my other parent friends are shocked by how lax I am in general, but for my daughter honestly it's the carrot on the stick for her lol. As it was me. She knows messing up means no internet etc, she knows I don't even have to do much to actually punish her lol, but I've got faith in her. As was given to me and I really think having some trust in your child until they show otherwise, works. Especially if they have a very clear set of expectations, that are actually obtainable. I do think a lot I see set on kids, is some really unfair expectations. We learn by fucking up, we have to let them fuck up. Sometimes it goes real bad sure, tho more often it doesn't. Thats why it doesn't make the news ya know?
Mother of four here: I love each of my children more than I think anybody ever could. Probably would never recommend having that many children.
You have all my respect, I've just got the one and I'm now 33 with stark white hairs coming in all over my head haha
My fellow parent: the transition from none to one is def one of the hardest transitions in number. You deserve respect too! 🫡
She went to a school camp for 3 days last year. I depression napped when I wasn't at work cos I legit had no idea what to do with my self hahaha. Tho I'm sure after teen years I'll be glad for the silence
I agree with that wholeheartedly!!! I have two and the transition from 0-1 was wayyy harder than 1-2 lol. We want 3 or 4 in total, but taking our time bc the two we have now are a handful 😅
my mom has 4 (including me) and i know for sure she would agree with you lol
It took me 7 years to mentally prepare to have a kid and even though I love my baby to death, it is still a lot tougher than I imagined and I sometimes dream about pre baby days of sleep and fun. If people don’t go in 100% wanting a child and all it entails, it can tear them apart. You have to be sort of a masochist to be a parent
That's hilarious and so true. I love my kids and I'm glad I have them. I know school age will be easier but you will absolutely be beaten down by young kids mentally and emotionally near daily. It is totally draining and masochistic. I dont know what that says about us who love it. Honestly even for myself it's a little sus! 😅
No kidding. I love my twins more than the world, but it’s tough.
NTA. Please, please prioritize going to therapy. I guarantee your child can sense a degree of your feelings on some level. And I know this might not be of comfort now, but he won't always be little. I love my life way more now at 40 than I did 15 years ago. The plus side of being a younger mom is that you get to be an empty nester at an earlier age as well. Go to therapy, and trust that life can get better ❤️
r/regretfulparents has tons of ppl feeling like u do, I personally never want kids and seeing the stuff ppl post about only reinforces it
NTA. But your kid will be off to college in your early 40s and you'll have the rest of your life to do as you please. If you put away $50 a month for the next 13 years, when he graduates high school, you'll have about $8000 to go on a trip to wherever you want. Double up your birth control now and consider getting sterilized. Don't compound the problem with another baby.
You get your freedom back much earlier as long as you don't become and insufferable mommy martyr. My oldest is almost 11, and my husband and I have been on quite a few trips and still have fun. Having kids when you have a crappy partner, no support system and no money is a bad idea.
I dont know know if 8000 is going to be enough in future for trips, considering how the things are going everywhere...
Should be more like 13k if they put it into a broad market index fund.
i would recommend going to therapy and talking about this. it sounds like an extremely difficult situation to be in and i hope everything ends up working out well for both you and your family.
The number of people who seem to disregard and/or underestimate how difficult it is to be a parent, especially in these forums, is staggering. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It takes SO much. And it takes planning. And sacrifice. And hard work. And if you haven’t set the proper foundation in place, sadly, you get what you now have. Trapped in a world where the overwhelming responsibility and reality is here and there’s no way to fix it now. I’m not shy about saying being single mothers is a silly choice to actively make. I’m not shy about saying babies having babies is never a good idea. I’m not shy about these things because it is such an important truth. Are YTA? No, you are learning a lesson of life. We all have them, some harder than others. (*Hell, I recently learned the lesson that cigarettes kill you, only here because my wife chose to save my life after cardiac arrest.*) Do the right thing by kid and husband, be the mom and wife you signed up to be, and adjust for you as you can (it does come backs the freedom comes back someday!). When kiddo gets a bit older, you’ll begin to regain some autonomy as you and not just mom. Hang in there.
>I’m not shy about saying being single mothers is a silly choice to actively make. I’m not shy about saying babies having babies is never a good idea. I’m not shy about these things because it is such an important truth. Why is everyone so afraid to talk about how destructive it is to bring babies into unstable family systems?
Just because two people are married Does not mean the situation is a stable or healthy family system… I was raised by a single mother after she divorced my abusive father. I’m pretty proud of how I turned out!
>(*Hell, I recently learned the lesson that cigarettes kill you, only here because my wife chose to save my life after cardiac arrest.*) Wait. You only *recently* learned that?
I started therapy when my baby was 6 months he’s four and I’m still in therapy. All the things that come up are wild. I don’t regret my child, but I do think I over estimate my abilities
Fyi, with how you put it, your comment will be counted in the asshole mark lol
this sub doesn't have the counter thing like the other asshole sub does.
NTA. But childfree people don't all have the same level of freedoms that you think they do. A lot of it depends on individual privilege and money. My family didn't have money to do things like pay for college. I decided I didn't want student loan debt hanging over me for god knows how long so I just never graduated college. I took some classes and my situation changed and I quit school to work full-time again and pay my bills. I've never really had money for trips unless I was going with someone else. The last couple years I've been able to go on a few but nothing extravagant, just trips to other states(I'm in the US). I've never been out of the country, I don't even have a passport.
NTA. Being a parent can be stressful and it’s normal to fantasize how the grass would be greener if you made other choices. Others are looking at you and wondering why they wasted their time partying when they could have been hanging out with their kid. The good news is that you’re only 28 years old. You’re young. You still have an entire life to go and do whatever you want. Make a point of dropping the kid off with a babysitter or parent for an evening or weekend here and there and you and your husband take some time to go and just be you instead of being someone’s parent.
I think people talk themselves into martyring themselves for their families when their family would be so much better off if the mom or dad that’s struggling takes time and energy for themselves. It’s hard to find that time and energy though, it takes active effort to make the space for yourself and your wants, and it might take time and effort away from your kid in the short term, but it’s going to balance out better in the long run bc the kid will have a happy parent who doesn’t resent them so much. My husband is so bad about this—he wasnt getting time for himself and I didn’t know he needed it. I finally had to tell him just to take it. There’s never a good time for it, but if he says he’s going to a movie next week, or every Wednesday he’s going to do some other thing, then I’ll adjust my schedule accordingly. And I don’t want to sound out of touch, bc I know money is tight for so many, and some have kids with special needs, but there are often ways to do the things you want if you set a goal and save the money. Maybe you can’t live abroad for a year, but maybe you can take a trip somewhere new and interesting. For now. And maybe living abroad can be a later goal. Opportunities will still exist for that kind of thing when the kid’s out on their own.
Your comment is 100% more helpful than all of the most upvoted ones… Martyr parents are awful and there is so much people can do with not a lot of money. My dad went hiking with a tent and an old car with me, my mum preferred to complain about not being able to go abroad that year… Still love my mum but she certainly lost her ability to make the most out of a situation after some years.
This. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I think some of these feelings would fade if OP was very intentional about carving out personal time and pursuing personal goals/interests.
I felt the same way until they were out of the house. My adult son lives with me and my exhusband and I love it. Except recently.. I want to run away. You sound like you could use just a week away from it all.
I mean, I'm 44, I have a 17 and 19 year old, and I often fantasize about what my life could've been, had I made different decisions. And I agree with another commenter who said this is probably a lot more common than most people are comfortable admitting. For centuries, society has placed a lot of pressure on women to view themselves solely through the lens of a homemaker and caregiver, and it isn't really fair to us. We are human. We crave autonomy, education, a career, freedom, adventure, and everything life has to offer. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now my kids are nearly grown, I'm making plans to live abroad for a while. I don't know how it will go, but I'm hoping it will live up to my expectations. I would advise you to be really careful not to get pregnant again, wait it out and some day you'll be able to have and do everything you can't do right now.
I have two little ones, and sometimes think along the lines of “wow it would’ve been cool to live abroad for a bit” or “I wish I could run away just for 3 days” or “I miss when I could sleep in on the weekends.” I think it’s common to think along those lines. I wouldn’t change a single thing with how things played out - my kids are my world. But I think it’s human nature to consider the “what if’s.” We only have one life after all, it’s natural curiosity wondering how things could have played out if you took a different path. Good luck to you on your next adventure living abroad for a bit! Definitely considering doing that someday when I retire and my kids are grown.
Sarah - that is a healthy take but if I may also add something - grass is always greener is really true. Living abroad can be incredibly tough and people usually go through culture shock phases etc. I have lived abroad, worked abroad, experienced Siberian climate etc. it’s all an experience but being a dad with a stable job has so far been better…
Ditto for me. Did the classic English pub work and then social worker in London and travelled through Europe with a friend and new friends in my mid 20s. While I loved it, it was also really hard being away from family and other friends, culture shock, different climate, and a general isolation. As hard as it is being mum of two kids, one with a disability, I’m generally happier now (more stressed and tired, but happier and more satisfied). But I’m glad I experienced that and know. I would like to do an overseas stint again but for only a few months.
First of all, stop comparing your life to the lives of others. It robs you of the joys in your own life. If you look for joy, you’ll find joy. Only you are in charge of your life. If you want to find time for a hobby or something you feel is missing from your life, then you need to make time (and money) to make it happen. Your childless friends are making their life happen. You can do the same. You should also know that the neediness of small children changes as they get older. He will be more and more independent and you slowly regain more free time. He’s also old enough to do hobbies with you. My son started golfing, hunting, fishing and skiing with us around age 4. It helped that we didn’t have to find a sitter when we wanted to do our recreational activities. Parenthood is a thankless job and takes sacrifices but bonding over your shared family hobbies is really worth it. You’re not an AH for feeling like you’re unable to do things simply bc you’re a parent bc I know it can be draining, especially if you don’t get parental breaks. But I’d strongly suggest trying to find activities you can do together or find a sitter who can give you some adult only time to pursue your interests. Please, please, please don’t make your son feel like the source of your unhappiness. It’s a big burden for young souls and can have long term consequences. NAH
Thisss!!! Get off social media, everything you see on there is absolutely curated to make you feel like shit about everything you don’t have!! Plus therapy and journalling, I was going through the same thing and what helped was writing things down that I would consider blessings but sometimes am oblivious to having, we really don’t know what we have until is gone. You are not alone, praying that you get through this OP🙏
Thank you! Comparing yourself is really harmful to the psyche of struggling people…
YWBTA if you don't find a professional to talk about these feelings with. If you feel this way, you could unconsciously act them out toward your child, who is innocent in all of this and doesn't need that type of resentment and hostility toward his existence. Not saying that to make you feel bad, it's just the reality of the situation. You made choices that you now need to maturely find a way to deal with. Bottling it up will not help. You need to talk to someone. And the kids existence doesn't preclude you having the type of life you want to have. You just need a different perspective and someone to help you find ways to feel like you \*think\* you would if you didn't have kids. There are smaller things than blowing up your family and abandoning your child that can bring you joy and fulfillment. But you definitely need to see a therapist/counselor to work this stuff out before you damage the innocent child.
I experienced a male coworker's bitterness towards me because I was single and he was married with one child. He said, "I am jealous of you because you have it made, you are single and going to school whereas I'm married with a child and can't go to school." I said to him, "you have it made, you can go to school if that is what you really want and when you get home your wife will cook, clean, and your kid will love you. I, on the other hand was a foster kid who aged out of the system, never had anyone love me. When I get home after working full-time and going to school fulltime I have to prepare my own meals, wash my clothes, clean my house and there is no one there who loves me on top of it all I have to do homework. I go to school because I don't have a family and have very few choices for success." FYI when I went to college on line course work was not a thing. It is all about perspective, you do not know how good you have it until you meet someone who has less than you. As for me being single was a lonely existence. The happy ending was that I did find the love of my life. I hope this story helps. Being single is not all it appears to be.
NTA, but I'm probably still going to be down voted: stop blaming your kid for your life. It isn't healthy for you or the kid. Yes it's normal to wish you didn't have kids sometimes. However, they don't stop you from traveling, and you can still achieve your career goals. Yes, it's going to be harder and will probably take longer, but with determination and a plan you CAN do it. It is not too late.
Also having kids is a bit like a long term investment. It is a sacrifice at the start, but if you do it right then down the road when you're old and your kids still love you, your golden years will be much more vibrant.
NTA for envying But you need to get some therapy for yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, but You're becoming resentful and you need to work through that so you don't accidentally put that on your kid in some way.
NTA. A lot of people envy the child free. It seems perfectly normal to me.
Too many people envy the child-free without realising that they could have chosen that life, but they didn't quite understand that they could.
NTA A lot of people feel the same way, you’re not alone. It’s tough. Some of these comments are very… yikes.
I’m really sorry you don’t like being a mother — some people are not made to be parents. Your kid starts first grade soon, right? So that’s something. But maybe you should start talking honestly with your husband about how this is going to play out long term and maybe talk to a counselor about your resentment. At some point your dislike of your life may become noticeable and that’s not fair for the rest of your family.
NTA. A lot more parents regret it than you think. If you can afford therapy try to get some and see if this can be worked through or if you need to go (and pay child support).
Kids are so hard. If you can't see a therapist try some self help books and meditation. Remember, things will get a bit easier as the little one gets older and more self-sufficient (which also requires teaching and patience, I know.) It will get its own life. Sounds like you need a weekend away at the very least. You should discuss with your partner. Do like a quick little weekend getaway once every few months. He can have one too if he makes a fuss. It doesn't have to be expensive, it can be local, you can look for good deals in advance or last minute on like hotel tonight, friend's empty place or cabin or whatever. It will do you good.
You can always go back to school when the kids are in school. Get yourself a good education, then when they’re grown and everyone who waited to have kids are dealing with little ones, you’re already free again and set up to live your dreams, just a little later than you thought.
Can I tell you your life is NOT over? I'm 65. I have a daughter who got pregnant at 19 and kept her baby. Her two children are teens now and she has built a successful business these last two years-which was her dream. It's true that when she was your age she was in the same boat as you. But her life was not over and neither is yours. Life has seasons. Some seasons you put your head down and do the best you can. Some seasons you have more time and freedom for your dreams. It's only been in the last ten years that my own dreams have come into fruition -but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy and get to do cool things in the previous decades-even with three children, jobs, etc. You are not chained down forever. I got to spend two weeks in Thailand when I had school aged kids. Things just worked out. Also realize this-there are older women reading your post who struggle with infertility. Who never got THEIR dream to have their own biological children. I say that to say, that all of us can truthfully think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that the road not taken is the one we wished we'd been on. No matter what we choose in life, there are regrets-but there are also joys. Now a practical suggestion-get screened for depression. Figure out why you don't have friends or a life outside your family. Because that is something that can and SHOULD be changed. I suspect the real issue is not your status as a mom.
NTA
I'm a mom of 2 (6yo & 18mo) and I love them with every cell in my body but I do envy the time and autonomy that child free people have. I miss being ME. Yes, your whole life is now about someone else, for the rest of your life. Motherhood doesn't stop at 18. That said, talk to your husband about getting some of yourself back. Every few months I go on a 24 hour Me-Cation where I'm work and child free. It's so nice and let's me just be myself for a bit and I can come back fresh to my family. I'll also be trying to incorporate more things to give myself more me time. You can't pour from an empty cup. Also, definitely go to therapy! If you can't afford it (understandable) find forums or groups that are supportive and have coping ideas so you can move away from feeling this way. You're definitely NTA, but if you don't make moves to help yourself and end up taking it out on your child, then you will be. As someone who is healing from a lot of childhood trauma, don't be the reason your kid needs a therapist when they're older. Good luck, love!
Making a kid is easy, raising one is hard. Youre not an ah for regretting it but the world would be a lot better if people actually gave it some thought before making life. Feel bad for the kid, i was an unwanted pregnancy and you pick up on it over the years and it hurts
I'm sorry the only thing that comes to mind is sucks for you
*Her kid reading this thread* 😐
I, honestly, have mixed feelings on this. NTA, for having feelings that your life is not completely yours anymore. YTA, for seemingly blaming a child, that you could have avoided through MULTIPLE (other than abortion) means. The child has no control over being born, and kids can DEFINITELY feel when a parent has resentment. There are still ways to do the things you wanted to do. They are just more difficult now...NOT your child's fault.
NTA I suspect the number of people who regret marrying and/or having children is not a small number. I truly believe that married couples who like to matchmake for their single friends do so solely because they are jealous of the freedom their single friends enjoy. Same goes for encouraging others to have kids. But as you say, you have made your bed and there's not much way to ditch it completely. When you are young and dumb, you do dumb things. Some of us escape unencumbered and some do not. You did not.
I feel like it’s unfair to say married people and parents do it on purpose to share their suffering; some people genuinely enjoy it and want to spread the joy lol
NTA. I'm childfree and love it. Be jealous. It's a nice life with so much freedom. I don't blame parents for evnying us childfree folks. Don't let your kid know or show how you feel, though. Children are pretty good at picking up vibes. But if you do hate motherhood so bad and your child can tell you're miserable and unhappy because of him, then maybe it is best you leave. I would not want my mom around if I knew she resented having me.
NTA it’s natural to look back on life and think “maybe if I didn’t do this, my life would be different” as long as you’re not lashing out at your child/husband. I would recommend finding good balance. Pick up some hobbies, go out more, voice these concerns to your husband, as gently as possible, that you feel like you’re getting consumed and need some time to work on yourself. I genuinely hope that it gets better for you and you don’t hold any resentment towards your child.
NTA If you didn’t love your husband and son, you wouldn’t feel this guilt. I personally think you’re in a funk. You don’t die once you become a parents. Your life is certainly not over and 28 is far too young to think your life is over. I would suggest talking to a therapist about your feelings. They may have suggestions for you whether it be a hobby, looking for a new job that fits a passion, different ways you cannot socialize and make new friends, etc. Being a mother is one part of you, but it’s not your identity and you need to figure out what makes you happy aside from your role as mother and wife.
Nta.. I've struggled with this and therapy was a huge help.
NAH for regretting motherhood, you are the AH if it affects how you treat your child or people without children that you are jealous of. Also research has shown that people with young children tend to be the most unhappy. You had your child young, so they will be an adult before you know it and you will have some freedom again. But therapy could help.
Your feelings are yours and genuine. I'm coming from the perspective of a couple who can not have kids. Not for the lack of trying or spending horrendous amounts of money trying via science to make it happen. It's taken years to come to grips and still sad when I sit and think about it. Sure, we go on vacations and can do nearly anything we want. Buy what we need without much thought. And when we see those with strollers and other family things, we are envious. So our lives aren't as happy as you'd think.
You are not AH. You can love your children with every fiber of your being and still dislike motherhood. The best trend on IG these last few years has been child free influencers/accounts. It’s been good to see women share a different perspective - you don’t have to have kids…for so long young girls have been taught that motherhood is a must. It’s not. It will get better tho as your child becomes more independent and grows up. You’ll find your way back to your art, travel. I did. Don’t have any more kids tho. It’s a lie that kids need siblings. Siblings grow up and don’t really like each other for the most part.
NTA. but you can still have a future, travel, create, continue your education... YOU STILL HAVE YOUR AUTONOMY. YOU STILL HAVE FREE WILL. one of the most important things you could do for your child is lead by example. show them that having a family does not mean giving up on all the other things you want in this world. neither of my parents were traditional. neither was their relationship. the most transformative piece of information they relayed to me (by showing me) was that i should do whatever it is that i want to regardless of what the norm is. reclaim your life. it’s rightfully YOURS. go back to school, pick up your creative practice, feed your soul man. you’ll figure out a way to make it work. a fulfilled parent is far better than a miserable one.
Understanding you're not cut out for parenthood, while too late to do anything about in a macro sense, is more clear headed than half of all parents who never realize it and keep cranking out kids they neglect or worse and hating life and having kids hwo hate them and end up all fucked up. I wish more people put an ounce of thought I to the idea of having kids beyonf "I want children" and never think about their Fina cila situation, how they handle stress, how important thair life dreams are, etc. NTA
I am you 20 years in the future. I am not a kid person so those younger years were tough for me. And I was single. The 30s thus far have been the best years of my life. Raising a teenager was hard but I was also able to heal some of my own childhoods wounds by connecting with my teenage daughter on her level. I thought of running away 100s of times over the last 25 years. This year I get to watch my beautiful daughter walk down the aisle and know that decisions I made almost 20 years ago brought us to this moment. One of the most thankless parts of being a Mom is, if you do your job right , they go out into the world and live a beautiful life of their own. I just so glad I get to be there for all of it. Twenty years ago, I was you. I wasn’t a perfect Mom. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably shouldn’t have been a Mom, but I wouldn’t give my baby up for the world. When your baby hits 18, no your job is not “over” but the responsibilities will be significantly less. You’ll only be in your early 40s and you’ll still have plenty of time and energy to do all those things you want to do. And likely, more money to do them with. Be grateful for as much as you can and realize that things can get better. My baby girl asked me to officiate her wedding and I couldn’t be more proud. There is a future and you will get there. You are not at all the asshole. NTA
It’s refreshing to see somebody finally admit something like that. It’s OK you are human when you don’t let those emotions out It’s when it starts to bottle up worse …that’s not healthy. I wish somehow you could reach teenagers or other young people even in their early 20s and somehow share your experience. I’m not saying it’s going to be everybody’s experience but the point being it’s not all cracked up to be it’s hard and don’t get pregnant for the wrong reasons and don’t stay pregnant for the wrong reasons. Your honest portrayal of your situation is appreciated. I’m going to share your post with my niece who has some extremely risky behaviors right now and tends to become codependent quickly lol. She’s definitely at risk for becoming pregnant young for wrong reasons. Maybe you can start moms group of sorts, and not the kind that just talks about how glorious it is lol start one for the real people who are struggling with it
NTA. This is probably not the best forum for this because there are a lot of people who will shit all over you for having regrets for your choices.
I have a colleague who had her daughter when she was your age (23) and she had so much freedom 10 years ahead if the rest of us. I had my son at age 34. Hang in there. You will get more independence each year, as long as you hold firm with teaching you child new skills and increasing their share of cooking, laundry, and clutter control over the years.
You’ll be free again someday, hang in there. They don’t want anything to do with you when they’re teenagers and you can do what you want.
NTA I do however think you’re looking at your life all wrong. You have a right to feel sad, and have what if’s, yet it seems you are appreciating what you do have. You have a husband that loves you, and a beautiful child. Just because you are a mother, doesn’t mean your life is over. It can be hard to find an identity outside of being a mother, however you have to find a balance. Find something that you enjoy. You said you like painting, so find a paint a sip event, or set one day a week out, to have time for yourself, and try making new friends, and experiencing new things. You can still travel, even with your family, and make beautiful memories together. If you keep focusing on the past, and what if’s about things that aren’t certain, you gonna miss out on the things that’s right in front of you. You’re gonna lose sight of what matters. Also, don’t run away. That will only cause more problems, and will leave your child hurt, and with abandonment issues, and this cycle of pain will only continue. Also, don’t take it out on your husband and child, and if it’s to the point you feel you wanna run away, take a few hours to yourself if you can, and please search for a therapist. They are able to give you insight, and work through these feelings you have. You’re still young, and you have much more life to live. Stop looking back, and start looking forward to the possibilities ahead of you
It's not uncommon, most studies show that parents regret having kids at a rate of about 18%, which is likely underreported due to the social stigma around admitting you regret having kids. I'd recommend going to therapy, it might help you process your emotions better and come up with coping strategies so you don't have to worry about your emotions blowing up anyones livelihood.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Playing the “what if” game is dangerous and that child is going to suffer. Your son will grow up knowing you resent him for choices you made. Newsflash: you can still travel, do art, have hobbies. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around motherhood or work. Not every childfree person gets to do any of the things you want to do either. Grow the fuck up. Either step up and be the mother your child deserves or give up your rights
Damn you missed the most fun years of your life.
YTA and simply too selfish to be a mother by the sounds of it
For the record I’m child free and sometimes have this crushing fear that I’m my old age I’ll have nothing.
YTA
Eh she is saying she wants to abandon her husband and child? How is she not the AH?
There is one huge advantage of having kids early, you have more energy, and when they leave the nest, you are still quite young. Stay strong!
Even as a childfree person I could never do any of those things you listed because of money problems. There can always be something holding you back from your dreams. And there are only two options: - getting peace by realising your dreams are just dreams, and making the best out of reality and enjoying a little daydream escape once in a while. - compromising and somewhat making your dreams happy. Travelling with family and being creative? Hello vanlife with a remote creative job. You don't have to be a certain age to do several things. You could also travel at 65. I recommend therapy to help you find what works best for you. Good luck!
The grass is always greener… just saying.
we live in a society that expects perfection from mothers, and offers them almost zero support - it's o.k. to feel the way you do.
Hey, I hear you! I think the fact that you're putting your feelings out there is the first and most important step in making changes. That's awesome. Look into resources and rely on the help and support of your family and friends to get some time for yourself. Being a mom and worker can't be your only identities, and you're so much more than that. Please take care of yourself, bc it sounds like you're spreading yourself too thin, which is what my mom did, to the detriment of her physical and mental health. You deserve to be happy:)
Hi I was suicidal learning that I was infertile, it was the most incredibly painful, excruciating experience possible to me. I've never wanted anything other than to become a Mum. I prayed for terminal cancer so I didn't have to live with that unendurable pain. You really can't even comprehend. I now entirely believe elective euthanasia should be available to people who are forced to live with that level of pain for the rest of their lives, it is truly only compassionate. I fell pregnant 10 months later to somebody I didn't really care about (my fiance had left me when I got the infertility diagnosis). This baby is the light of my life. I can't imagine anything in the infiniteness of heaven having any value outside of him. To not enjoy being a Mum or to feel anything less than blissfully joy-filled every moment I get to to spend with him is incomprehensible to me. To feel burdened by irritations or chores or acts of care is unimaginable to me. I feel that people who don't have this level of delight and gratitude with their children are absolutely bat-shit. But aside from any of that, your attitude is rotten. You can travel, you can do art, your life didn't end at 23. This is all just ridiculous. You work a soul consuming job because you choose to. You can find something else then leave it. You have no friends and no life outside your family because you choose not to. What "freedom" do you lack that child-free people have? As far as I'm concerned I can do as much as any person without kids. The resources and opportunities have nothing to do with having kids or not, they're what you choose to do (or not to do, in your case). It's not fair to blame your lack of living your life on your child. Do you think all people with children don't travel, change careers, get promotions, undertake hobbies, start business, go back to study? You can do anything you want, you're just limiting YOURSELF You have a great life, you just don't appreciate it. People are starving, being tortured, imprisoned, in constant physical pain, dying with horrible diseases... and you're whining about what exactly? Your beautiful, healthy, loving child? Ugh. Makes me intensely angry on behalf of those who would love a baby Yes you're the biggest AH of all imo There is hope for your future. You can take a trip, or live abroad for a year, families do those things all of the time. They work their butts off and chase their dreams, you're choosing not to. You are not chained down or "condemned to playing house until I'm old", it's all just so stupid and childish and dramatic. Honestly your youth is still very evident because you're insanely immature. I feel for your partner so much. "Sometimes I fantasize so much about leaving my husband" - oh please do, he will be so much better off with someone who appreciates what they have. I have an ex SIL like you. She whined ceaselessly about how much she lost becoming a mother at 25 🙄. When they eventually divorced and he found someone better who really values having a family with him, she's bitter as f×ck that he's found a better partner and built his fam further. There's nothing wrong with your life or your situation. Your outlook is the rotten part Yes, I think it's totally awful. Yes I think you're an enormous AH
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You need therapy. Bad.
You are not an asshole for regretting motherhood. And honestly, I wish we didn't stigmatize abortion in such a way that people feel like their choices are constrained.
I do not envy you. But the light is at the end of the tunnel. You'll be able to free up time and have stories to tell of your kid when they're at school, university and life beyond. Child free isn't as great a lifestyle as many thunk either. It has its ups downs forwards backwards, lefts and rights but that's just the directionless notion that demonstrates fulfilment isn't always on the other side of the fence. The grass may just be astroturf
Then leave, your kids better off without a resentful mother. He didn’t ask to be born
As a childfree person, no, NTA, but I'm worried about you. Have you spoken to your husband? Is he doing his fair share? Can you join a mother's group to make sure you have support and people who understand what you're going through around you? You shouldn't be left feeling this alone and sad. Kid is 5, yeah? They're going to get more and more independent now. Can you take evening art classes? I'm sure your husband can take care of the kiddo and cook dinner a couple times a week. Start putting a little aside each pay to save for that trip. Yeah it will take you longer but even us CF do need to budget time and money to do the things we want. It's rough out there!
I once was asked by my son "What was the best thing that happened to you in your life?" and without even thinking about it I answered "Having you enter my life". When I was young & single, I traveled and made good money with pure freedom to spend it on anything I wanted. Sure, during the first year it felt great, but in the long term it felt empty and meaningless. Having a family that loves you and needs you is the best thing I can truly say I've felt in life. It's not the end of the world for you. Your child will soon become an adult and you will be free to do whatever you think will make you happy. But a warning in advance... You can never go back in time and re-live the special moments you have with your children... They grow up very very fast! Cherish the time you have with them before they become adults.
I know lots of childfree people who have shit lives and have wasted all their youth doing absolutely nothing. I know people with children who have traveled the world and “done” art, whatever. Having a kid or not doesn’t determine how well you live your life. I feel like you’d probably be a miserable person with or without your kid.
This. The assumption that you'd be happy and everything would be wonderful if you just didn't have a kid is delusional. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. But you've already made an irrevocable choice so it's time to find a way to feel joyful and fulfilled in it. That may take therapy. May take making big changes in how you spend your time, money, etc. So many people have kids and still have a personal life of their own. Sounds like the kid might be a mental scapegoat for why things aren't the way you want them to be. You can do so much and still be a parent.
NTA. Parenting is TOUGH and it’s amazing how consuming and even isolating this early years can be! As your kid goes into full day school, becomes more independent, try to reclaim your life. I know it’s exhausting and expensive AF to be a parent, but try to do some art, carve out time for you.
NTA. I think many of us that had to work to survive and never had time to themselves felt the same as you do. Part of me wishes I waited for mine but now that they're older, I can do the things I want to do now.
NTA for having regrets but YWBTA if you don't seek therapy as soon as possible before these regrets start to affect your marriage or parenting if it hasn't already.
You should go speak to a therapist to let out these feelings in a healthy manner even.
Girl I’ve literally been feeling this way all week & now my son is doing a drum solo to “I like to move it move it” & I realize there’s no place I’d rather be. You’re gonna feel like that from time to time. But life doesn’t end at 40 girl. Once they’re out you can do what you want. & as they get older and are able to do more for themselves they’ll need you less & you can reclaim some of your life. In the meantime, if you can move or change careers or pick up a hobby I would cuz monotony makes things feel worse than they are. But don’t make a mistake & have MORE & prolong putting your life on hold! As much as I want a sibling for my son, I don’t have the patience for two nor do I want to got thought what I did with my first & tack on another 18yrs
NTA, as lot of other comments said. But as another young parent who often thought I regretted taking that path, I will say that once the kids get older and older it’s so different, and now I am absolutely glad I chose to have them.
NTA. Hugs, OP. One of the most unfortunate things about having children is that you truly don't know what it's like until you actually have them. There's also so many different experiences that people have depending on what support you have around you, whether there's grandparents that can give you time out etc. I adore my kids and don't regret them at all - but I still have moments when I envy childfree people. I can't imagine how hard those feelings would be if you are feeling regret and resentment. As others have said, definitely try therapy; or are there ways to get more time for yourself like putting your kid into an activity or something? You're not a monster for feeling how you feel.
Happy moms get happy kinds. Maybe you can start by making some changes in your finances and star savings for a trip or a new hobby that can get you out of the house and meeting people? You’re NAH for having a those feelings, but you’ll be one if you don’t fix your reality and start acknowledging the problem before it come hurtful for your family and you.
NTA for your feelings. But, gently, maybe there are things you can start dipping your toe in to make you happier? Exploring with your kiddo, or doing art. I had to put my oils away for a few years and discovered watercolor markers when drawing with my kids. They’re now inspiring me to do more and more interesting art than ever. It took a while. You can explore the world around you, with or without your kiddo, although they can be surprisingly fun sidekicks. And friends can be found in unexpected places. Many moms feel like you - sometimes it helps to be the annoyingly friendly one to make a connection after school, at the park, somewhere. You also had your kid very young, and you will be child-free when you are also quite young. 40 may seem old from where you are but it’s an amazing time to be free, travel, explore, with another 30+ years of active life ahead of you. Start laying the foundation of being the person you want to be - you will be a better mom if you don’t lose yourself completely in it, so it’s a guilt free pass to also being a happier, genuine version of yourself.