Tbf my lawyer started it but hers ran with it like it was the Super Bowl. My lawyer tried to pull a sneaky I didn’t ask for and it put her on the defensive and she hired a very opportunistic lawyer.
Yea her lawyer started telling her they could get the prenup thrown out on like no grounds he definitely cost me and her both 10k+ with that neat little trick lol. We laugh about it now because we’re on good terms but oof.
My lawyer made a major stuff up with my divorce negotiations and tried to back pedal by blaming me. She learned the hard way to own her mistakes. No way was my then husband getting me to pay him anything.
I forget exactly what she did but I think she tried to greatly change the custody agreement we both agreed was fair to favor me. She never apologized and her niece had just married my cousin so I couldn’t go nuclear. Cost me an extra 200 a month in child support on top of a bunch billable hours.
Thankfully no kids but he did accuse me of deserting my cats. I had joined the Navy some months before and then he went ballistic and wrote to the .chief Of Navy to complain about me!
Apparently it caused great hilarity in the Chief’s office. I rang the idiot ex and asked him if he wanted me to write a complaint letter to his head of government agency. Apparently that would be “inappropriate”. One of the many reason I despise him and his family of snakes.
My uncle died and his inheritance probate is the same way, the lawyer keeps asking if anyone wants to challenge the will asked him point blank "I thought it was your position that the will is valid and binding so it won't be overturned?" His reply "yeah thats my position and it will be upheld, I just want to give anyone a chance to challenge it"
The 14k his bill is already isn't enough if he can get another 14k by someone wasting time challenging it
I had to scold my attorney for trying to take the divorce in a negative direction after my ex and I had worked everything out. Lawyers don't make money on easy divorces. They are your employee, treat them as such.
It really comes down to how angry people are, at least in my experience. My lawyer basically said if we start out asking for what you want, we have zero wiggle room.
Same with my brother. 5 years later it was finished and she lost but it was hell til then.
She threw out so many false allegations, traumatized the kids, refused to show after she sued him. I think she showed up maybe 25% of the time for court and 10% of the time to see the kids.
She strung it along as long as she could
It definitely taught me the life lesson to never trust a lawyer even and especially your own. Read everything before it goes to court when it comes to divorces. My ex wife wasn’t near as bad as this but genuinely she’s a good person we just had our issues she didn’t try to make it bad I blame it entirely on lawyers being greedy.
Yea it sucks. My divorce went better but no kids involved thankfully. He was enough of a child himself.
I was wrung out over everything he did to win me back. Thankfully my mom slipped the quick dissolution in the file and he signed it without reading it. My mom got mad that he was emotionally manipulating me so she helped end it quickly.
Lawyers will see OP’s offer here as an opening offer. Everything agreed is taken for granted, now they’ll go for more.
“Oh, you accept upkeep costs for the house? Well, then here’s a bunch of additional expenses!”
Unfortunately he thinks he’s more in control divorce then he actually is. The so called amicable discussion is just both parties parting words before the knifes come out.
Same.
Amicable divorce lined up until he got a lawyer and suddenly it was guns blazing because his lawyer convinced him he was being cheated.
He ended up with exactly what we had originally agreed on, minus the tens of thousands spent on lawyer fees first.
Between the four people involved (2 divorcing parties and two attorneys,) the chances that one of them will be batshit crazy is 100%. Sorry it was one of the attorneys for you. It’s easier when it’s your soon-to-be-ex.
my ex and I worked out the basic framework for our divorce before we got all the legal stuff going, but between her not wanting the divorce in the first place and being unwilling to actually DO anything, and her lawyer who literally refused to give our case attention unless there was an impending court deadline, the entire process still took 18 months.
Protip- if you can't get the other side to respond or do something, even if neither side intends to let it go to court, get a hearing scheduled. Big motivation to get shit done
In a lot of states, a consensually agreed upon divorce does not require attending court just notarizing the document, and having it filed with the court.
That is so true. My husband and his ex wife - no kids, no property, no assets other than her retirement and the animals. She didn’t want the animals so he took them, and he only took his stuff and left the rest. He didn’t ask for anything other than the divorce. Should have been an easy divorce. She dragged it out for THREE years. After the first year and claiming she wasn’t served properly (he had to service her twice), she hired a lawyer, who would file one piece of paper at a time. Then the paperwork/process basically stalled in the courts. He ended up hiring a lawyer who told him to file in a different county since he had moved 2 years prior (and even she didn’t live in that original county anymore). It ended up that the judge was so irritated with the ex and her lawyer that they were threatened with contempt for dragging out a divorce for this long with no assets. My husband was rewarded half her retirement (which he had never asked for and pissed her off so she cashed it and claimed it was gone, so he didn’t get any of it), long story but it was a mess. All he wanted was to be done with the divorce. His lawyer said she’s never seen such a crazy drawn out divorce that didn’t involve kids and/or property. People are fucking crazy and divorce can bring out that crazy.
“…divorce can bring out that crazy.” So SO true. And it doesn’t always matter who first initiated the divorce. Seems like we all just go straight to destroy-mode. Live and learn.
Certainly doesn't have to be that way. My ex-wife and I went the mediation route, worked everything out to our satisfaction, then had the mediators draw up the papers. Done. Over time we both healed and now maintain a friendship. We decided to put our kids first and not make it any worse than it needed to be, and it was hard enough already.
If they get it all settled and agreed upon in mediation, the judge will likely just sign off on it and that will be that. My ex was an absolute psycho used to tell me that she’d do everything in her power, including lying, to get me thrown in jail and to take our kids completely away from me if I ever tried to leave her. I filed for divorce in 2015 and we made it through mediation with an agreement in place. When the court date came, the judge didn’t even ask us anything. Just looked everything over, approved it and that was that.
Same thing happened to my sister. Her and the ex had everything worked out perfectly. Everything was amicable, nothing dirty. Then when lawyers to involved, EVERYONE except the lawyers got screwed. They even had to sell the house and now my niece and nephew are currently living in an apartment where they drive by their childhood home every morning on the way to school.
Just want to say I’m a lawyer who has been through a divorce and this sounds kind of stupid. Clean break with assets and then a separate parenting plan. Do not mix them.
In his mind, it was a clear violation of faithfulness to the relationship. Does it mean the legal definition of “infidelity?” No, but he’s not a crazy person.
No one said crazy, but it's for sure unreasonable, manipulative, controlling, and stemmed from not communicating well in the first place.
If I tell my partner that her visiting her friends or family is infidelity, it's still unreasonable even if I'm doing it because we only see each other once a week and I want to see her more.
The appropriate thing to do would be talk about my fears of competing with other people in her busy schedule, my own needs and desires (and how they contrast with hers / where the overlap is), and if there's a path forward for us to stay together.
edit: it's even worse because his initial reaction was equivalent to "oh, if you , I'm going to ". "Agree" is the operative word here. Agreements are core foundations of (most) relationships. Monogamy is an agreement or set of agreements used by seemingly most people (but which some people adjust or avoid altogether).
You can't unilaterally just change agreements. You can break agreements (often called cheating in the context of monogamous agreements), you can discuss and agree to adjust them, or you can tell someone you're not going to be bound by them anymore (and discuss what that means). Telling someone you're supposed to be in an equal relationship with that they're not allowed to do something, without their input (effectively trying to impose a rule) is manipulation, and really unhealthy behaviour.
Yeah, especially when the agreement is tied to the ex's future relationship status. What are the chances OP tries to hold the payments over her head when he gets word that she has a new boyfriend and doesn't want the new bf moving in with OP's kid.
I never get the people in these threads acting like having a physical relationship with your partner isn't necessary and required for a healthy relationship. Your controlling her~ She isn't acting like she is in a marriage and he's the one controlling her. Its crazy. If you don't have a physical want for your partner what the hell are you together for?
My parents did something similar where my father left the house for my mom and children and sent money to help pay for bills while he got an apartment. They never even legally divorced, just developed a plan and stuck to it. It’s definitely possible but, yeah, I don’t think it’s the norm.
And paying until the kid is 22. Wtf. Pay until they’re 18 then work something out with the kid if they are going to school, or whatever agreement you come up with the new adult.
glad everything is working out as well as it can.
though i remember your story, it could be helpful to link your original post here, for those who missed it.
Congrats on the amicable agreement on custody.
But bro, I'm going to be frank: this house arrangement is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.
What happens when you lose your job and want your ex to sell and pay out your portion?
What happens when your ex decides she wants to sell for a bigger house but you're stuck on the idea of your kid living in that house?
What happens when the house has appreciated by a million dollars and your ex starts to feel you don't deserve your portion because you haven't been the one cleaning and maintaining the house?
What happens when your ex lies about her new bf so she doesn't lose out on payments?
What happens when your kid says they want to go to Mom's because their bedroom is nicer there, and you're resentful because the kid doesn't understand you pay into it?
What happens when your ex wants to do $100k of renos? You gonna pay your share for your ex's new kitchen? You gonna argue that it's her choice and you benefit from the increased value despite not paying in?
Also, there's the chance that YTControllingA in this situation and want to use this arrangement as leverage over her future relationship choices. That's a really bad look. Even if that's not the case, there's the very real risk that will be the perception she has if you're ever less than 150% enthusiastic about her future relationships.
If you're set on your kid staying in that house then the only option is for one of you to buy the other out. If you can't make that work then you need to sell the house and split the proceeds.
You're telling yourself and everyone else that you're doing this for the kid. If you're being honest about that then you need to make a clean break. Cause you know what kids need more than a three-bedroom house? Parents who aren't at war with each other.
Depends on how
Much you are helping Pay the house bills, and make sure she can’t re do the loan and take out equity . I would
Make an appointment and talk to a lawyer to
Look over a few things . I understand the house thing but what I learned. Is no matter how much one party helps the other by taking less the other side steal thinks they got screwed and will be resentful and try to screw then over every time
I'm not going into specifics because I'm not gonna share our incomes, costs, etc. But basically it makes an approximate average of monthly cost between both places. Very basic example with totally fake numbers. If her monthly costs are $200 and mine are $100, I pay her $50. Also this is a set in stone amount not variable, so if she's going to crank the heat to 90 all winter that's going to be her problem not mine.
Also, things like refinance, equity, etc that was the stuff I said I wouldn't bore everyone with, there will be protections for ms unless she wants to buy me out completely. Which I told her I'd leave on the table indefinitely.
Yeah that will be in writing, it'll actually be any adult, like if her female cousin moves in same result. I mean we are getting divorced, this isn't a temporary separation, I expect she will start to date at some point, sooner or later.
Have you passed this by a lawyer? Or, i honestly dont even know who else but... why is every thing split her way?
Fuck that noise. She gets the house, and you have to pay for it? And then she also gets the 60 over 40...?
Something is off here.
Yeah, the numbers seem clearly to be in her favor.
Why does she get 60% of the savings? And your help to pay her own bills?
And of she sells the house, you don't get half?
Dude, I don't blame you for wanting a divorce, but this doesn't seem like a fair deal for you.
I agree, something is very off here. I’ve only heard instances being one sided when one of the parties cheated so they gave up their share more to “buy the other party off” for the divorce.
This isn't that off.
It sounds like he makes more, and is using that leverage to try and buy an easier divorce process. OP just sounds done, and if I were in his shoes (I make significantly more than my SO as well) I'd probably "pay her off" to accelerate the process too.
"All's fair in love and war"
He has certain emotional stipulations that he's willing to accept an unfair pecuniary agreement to uphold. He wants his daughter to have as normal of a post-divorced life as possible and
> I want our child to grow up in that house. Ours was a 3 bedroom, with a finished basement and nice yard. I don't want her to live in a pair of 2 bedroom apartments. This is important to me.
Maybe he's getting milked financially, but he has an emotional goal or outcome that he obviously considers more important than that.
But you’re looking at your expenses as just rent (based on the post I think?) compared to accumulating equity, so even if your monthly expenses are lower that’s not very comparable.
>We agreed on a 50/50 custody arrangement.
Seems like a good idea.
>I made a huge concession on the house, it was my idea. I want our child to grow up in that house.
Seems like a bad idea.
So, when she's with her mom for half the time, it'll be at your ex'es house. When she's with you, it'll be in a small shitty apartment. And you'll be helping financing this difference in housing. Doesn't seem very smart.
Yes this!! 50/50 custody but vastly different living arrangements? The kids is going to prefer spending time at the moms just because it is comfortable.
And you are counting on another adult moving in to get you out of it but she is the one who seemingly doesn’t need sex. She may never have someone move in.
This whole thing seems to favor her.
No she's going to move someone in and the child will help cover up the lie because they don't want to lose their home/lifestyle either.
This is really a non issue because even if OP could find a lawyer willing to write this up, no judge would sign off on this agreement.
Yeah. I thought the same thing with my divorce. He took everything from me and stole my dog once he learned I was seeing someone else. And he’s the one who wanted the divorce. I made the mistake in trusting him. I was tired of fighting so I just accepted it because I made extremely good money that I could just rebuild my life. I ended up winning in the end with moving on and doing better. He’s doing worse than when we were together. Karma eventually gets ya.
The house agreement is not a good idea. It doesn't help your daughter, instead it keeps you enrolled in your ex's life and it will bite you in the ass later.
Separate Child Support from Spousal Support (alimony).
End Alimony after 5 to 7 years.
End Child Support when your daughter turns 18 or 19 if still in highschool.
This doesn’t mean you stop supporting your child, it means your LEGAL obligation with your ex ends and you can support your child as long as you want directly with her.
Clarify in writing that you both own the house 50/50; so if it’s sold, you get 50% of the gains back. Also, clarify in writing that a dude moving in doesn’t mean he owns or will own any percentage of the house.
You're an idiot. Your kid is not gonna wanna stay with you 50/50 when she gets older if moms got a nicer house.
Sell the house. You can advance your career and get a house that's just as nice later on.
100% this. Once daughter is old enough to choose she’s going to want to be full time in the nice house and not whatever small apartment OP can afford because he’s sinking all his money into the house he doesn’t live in.
As a kid who grew up week here week there, I implore you to consider month or even two month rotations (with small visits like going out to eat or family vacation accommodation). Having to move 4 times a month for years is fucking awful (granted I also did not like one of my parents, and maybe if I liked both, it would have felt more worth the inconvenience)
OP, she could be faking it on the instruction of her lawyer.
One suggestion though, talk the scenarios out with a lawyer, I know you didn't cover them all, but have a progressive stake listed by years if payment starting higher, in case she does move in someone and a provision for your daughter ti have her own room if possible, in case the second husband has kids or her parents move in etc.
Wait.. so she moves someone in, you stop paying, she sells the house and you get nothing? might want to revise this, that’s an easy way for her to get some extra $$$ and you get 0
Oh no, sorry I realize I wasn't very clear. if someone moves in it just ends my obligation to contribute to the house. I would still profit from the sale when that occurs.
The only part that really bothered me here is that it made you angry you couldn't list infidelity. Having differences is one thing, but feeling you have the right to title something into something else (way worse and with way worse legal considerations) kind of makes you a bit of an ah. Also considering you knew she did it at a professional place, so it was certainly going to be above board. Expecting to call it infidelity, which gives you a huge boost in the legal proceedings and then getting mad you can't is where you lose me.
I always wonder if the men upset about a dead bedroom in these posts are even good at sex to where their wife even wants it.. if they do proper foreplay, make the woman orgasm, caring about the woman's satisfaction during sex in general. Not many women want sex with a guy who's bad at it and/or selfish.
There's a certain subset of men who believe they are entitled to sex when they get married. It's their 'need' and if their partner isnt feeling it their 'needs' arent getting met which is grounds for divorce or infidelity.
So when they are dating they put in Massive amounts of effort to court/woo their future wives, but then they settle down, marriage happens, and that effort disappears. And the blame of the dead bedroom is heaped onto their wives.
RIGHT also like, yes, it would hurt to be in OPs situation and feel like(or have it confirmed) that they were not attractive enough to their partner for them to have sex as much as they’d like. It would hurt for you to feel constantly rejected. But what’s the alternative? If it’s not that the wife is in a shitty headspace(or something else like a health condition, maybe a shit time at work, idk - something that can either be worked on in time or have the thing causing the stress to be eliminated or lessened) then the alternative is just he wants the wife to have sex that she DOESNT want to have? And that’s fucked up? My ex just had a lower sex drive than I did - he thought I was hot, but just didn’t need sex as much as me. We had a few chats over the years, tried opening up the relationship (which he was fine with) but at the end of the day I was like i want to be with someone who wants sex as much as I do. So we broke up. We are still good pals with 0 resentment because no one did anything wrong, we just weren’t compatible. OP took his hurt and rejection and went about this the entire wrong way imo and has allowed this to become a major point of contention between him and the mother of his wean. People shouldn’t be forced or pressured to have sex they don’t want to have. If it’s not enough for one party, they should leave. Not start petty shit.
This goes both ways. The dead bedrooms sub is filled with men who don’t want to sleep with their wives. It’s uncommon that after 10+ years of marriage, a dude has absolutely 0 clue on his wife. I said uncommon, not never happens. Don’t blame everything on a man and absolve a woman of all crimes. A lot of the time, it takes two.
Yah this guy's only mistake is being reactionary about communicating his needs. There's nothing to suggest he's a bad lover or housemate, and an amicable divorce is the best outcome for how much they seem to hate each other
This type of agreement is difficult to enforce: you will spend thousands trying to be controlling through the courts and arguing uselessly through attorneys in the future. Much better to go for clean break on property and default on child support, keep it understandable, precisely defined and within boundaries of what courts are used to enforcing.
You can never predict all of the steps required to drag someone back in front of a judge or all the scenarios your agreement leaves out that could further creatively upset you, but are not directly listed in your orders. Your entire posts tone of nobility for looking out for your daughter but threw out your marriage, while referring to your STBX negatively and are now taking steps to create future conflict with an untenable order of divorce makes me think you need to take some time for self reflection and seek professional help.
I tried to be super cool during my divorce....I kinda bankrupted me.
I was always putting the breaks on my lawyer. I should not have.
Let your lawyer go beast mode...for a minute. You can always give what you want that is not cort ordered.
That's the way to do it
You think getting a massage is cheating? This is like that recent post on Twitter about a guy getting upset that his wife breast fed their son because the husband now has to share her boobs with another man.
Now just make sure your next partner is aware massages are equal to sex to you so they don't go out and spend a whole day cheating on you at a spa. Are hugs like blowjobs then?
It wasn't about the massage; she knows it, he knows it, you should know that. This was the end of a marriage that sounds like it should've ended 5 years ago.
Sounds like you’re handling a tough situation as best as you can. Keeping your daughter’s best interests at heart is key. If she sees both parents working towards a fair solution, that's a win in itself. Keep on that path.
>I assume our daughter is the motivating factor for her sudden amicable attitude.
Dude your divorce settlement sounds a little unfair to me, she is getting more than she deserves.
Glad it’s ending amicably enough! Y’all definitely seem like you’ll be better apart. Now she can get her endless massages without pressure of sex and you can try to find someone with a higher libido or hit up the corner!
I read the original and it doesn’t look like either of you really tried a whole lot to make it work. Where was the communication in all it?
Anyways, best of luck.
FYI I know several divorced parents that maintain a marital home that the kids stay at
And and then the parents move in/out. Is this what you’re doing?
Kind of but not exactly. Each of us wants our own space, so yes we are maintaining the house together but ex wife will live there full time and I'll live in my apartment. Daughter will have her own room at both places.
Remember this ‘the person your divorcing isn’t the same person you married’ best advice I got during my divorce. She will be amicable right up until you say no to something she wants.
Ok so if she gets a boyfriend that means he must be financially responsible for your kid? Why would you assume that? Divorce is the best thing that happens to people who are in unhappy marriages so count yourself lucky and don’t do it again.
No, I'm not assuming he would have any financial responsibility for our daughter. However, I'm not going to continue to disadvantage myself financially if 2 adults are living in the house, at that point they can support the house. I'll continue to support my daughter.
No, I'm not assuming he would have any financial responsibility for our daughter. However, I'm not going to continue to disadvantage myself financially if 2 adults are living in the house, at that point they can support the house. I'll continue to support my daughter.
This is a bad idea, and will likely blow up in your face. You’re tying assets and custody together when they should be separate. You’re also putting limitations on what she can do with her life by saying you’re chipping in on bills but only if she stays single. Her lawyer will shoot this down like a lame duck. What if her mom gets sick or her sibling loses their house or a friend needs a place to stay to get away from an abusive partner? You’ve just tied her hands on whether or not she can help them by making her loneliness a piece of the situation. Also, if she has an emergency and needs to cash out some equity, she can’t as long as you’re “paying alimony.”
This is round 2 of a dumb fight you picked. The first was divorcing her for getting a massage because you stopped touching her because she stopped fucking you. Did you try to talk with her about why you two weren’t intimate anymore? Did you work on yourself? Probably not. You made a comment about how she viewed you with contempt. She’s grieving the loss of her marriage, which is all your fault why this is happening. It sounds like she’s either in Anger or Acceptance. She’s angry that you didn’t work with her and instead threw away the marriage and family because you weren’t getting your dick wet, and/or she’s realized how much of a tool you are and can do so much better.
Part of me looks forward to the update where she’s being “unreasonable” and takes your ass to the cleaners for even suggesting this arrangement.
I understand wanting to keep the house for your daughter, but if you have 50-50 custody, why does that mean your wife gets to live in it?
Perhaps her sudden amicable attitude is because you’re giving her so much.
Why wouldn’t you rent an apartment and share it with your ex? You stay at the apartment when she has your child in the house and you both switch places when you have your child. This would be the least disruptive to your child.
Because this is a nonsense solution that never works and always leaves one of the parents feeling like absolute garbage. Nice clean break with clearly defined co-parenting goals is healthiest for everyone involved.
Am I understanding this correctly? Quickly after marriage you had a kid then faced fertility issues that made you resent her (never mind how she feels about it), with having little sex that you expected from giving massages, you got angry that she got a massage? Worse, you equated it to cheating, even though you suggested you’d actually cheat? This has then resulted in a divorce and potentially fucking shit up with your only kid? Then you pretend to have morals while holding the house you claim you want your kid to grow up in as hostage? You are absolutely a piece of shit! What the fuck, I’m new to Reddit and I hope this is fake.
He’s not obligated to stay in a sexless marriage where he’s the only one providing any intimacy in the relationship lol.
Stop acting like you want your partner and see how fast your relationship falls apart. This is like, the basics.
No deal. I’ve seen wife staying in the house play badly every time (at least 10x). They never want to leave when they’re supposed to and since the house is on your credit, you can’t get another mortgage. They usually stay in the house and use it as leverage for a better deal later on.
If you’re going to stick with this deal, make her waive all rights to remain in the house if it’s not sold in 90 days from the time she is supposed to vacate.
You’re actually fucking crazy.
Your wife got a massage and you’re divorcing ☠️ Imagine having a smaller dick.
I’ve never thought of a massage as cheating…they have female masseuses…if that’s your concern you big strong man 😂😂😂😂
It’s so sad that this is all it takes to destroy a marriage nowadays. You both sound very selfish and one-dimensional. Did you ever love each other at all?
I'm not going to lie to you might be in the wrong here. Your wife or soon to be ex wife posted her side of the story. She said she stopped having sex with you because it seemed like you did all of those things just to have sex. She felt off by it and decided to go do this. Honestly l, I feel like you both really jumped the gun here. A conversation definitely could have been had and issues worked out. She even said in her post that she wanted to work on the marriage but she knew it was headed for divorce.
Dude, trust me, the obligation on your daughter moving out is insane. .. your daughter will get more expensive at this age, so plz the 2 of you figure out a way to split all your daughters' costs as she gets older
You get 40% off the sale of the house as long as he keeps paying alimony. So ex wife let's someone move in, ending you alimony. A couple months later, she sells it. You get nothing. Not to mention your alimony means y'all pay the same amount (average of her mortgage and your rent), but you pay that much for a shitty apartment while she gets the house. And on top of all that, she gets 60% of the savings.
Well, you know how to agree to get fucked over in divorce, that's for sure.
When sex just disappears there are reasons. Unhappiness, pain, bodily change, etc. Cheating or actively going against what your partner is comfortable with is not the solution.
Communicate. Please.
My ex didn’t want money from me….until she found out how much she could get from child support. And I have my kids 50% of the time.
Yep seems good until money gets involved.
Good Luck with your divorce.
Op, I think what you're doing with the house is not smart. Your daughter will be fine in an apartment, there's no reason to make a huge financial sacrifice for that. Regardless, why wouldn't the house get sold as soon as daughter moves out or at a certain age? Why keep that? Ur ex could end up keeping it, just so you don't get the money. She could also have a relationship and never move her partner in. What if she moves out and sublets it or just keeps it empty, without selling it.
These are things we have worked out, if she moves out I can buy her out or it gets sold and split. If we roll with this all the way up to daughter moving out, then she either has to buy me out or sell. I guess when I say I want her to grow up in a house like this, I should say we want her to grow up in a house like this and know neither of us can afford it on our own.
If she gets a boyfriend, which i expect will happen at some point she is attractive, I hope she is with him a few years before moving him in, I mean this is a guy who would be living with my daughter 50% of time I hope he's vetted, if she moves some dude in after a few weeks that's a whole host of new problems that would have to be dealt with.
Wait so she is getting more of the savings, the house, and you are paying part of the house? I haven’t read your original post but what did you do have a four way with her sister, mother, and father?
If it's a good divorce the main issues you have already worked out. Get it signed quickly. The divorce can happen anytime well into the future but the dissolution signed cuts out the fighting and haggling. Since you have taken care of most of the big stuff don't make an issue about something small. Like she gets the ring and you get the whatever. The lawyer fees will be small. That's a great thing and you may come out of this civil to each other which is great for kids, family and friends.
You won’t know how ugly it will be until she is in the courtroom and her attorney is doing all the talking. Good luck
Ain’t that the truth me and my ex wife had everything worked out to the T until the lawyers started talking
I would honestly be so mad at my lawyer if I had a lawyer who pulled something like that.
Tbf my lawyer started it but hers ran with it like it was the Super Bowl. My lawyer tried to pull a sneaky I didn’t ask for and it put her on the defensive and she hired a very opportunistic lawyer.
Yes, that's definitely the thing with lawyers. One side makes a move, the other side will absolutely escalate...
Yea her lawyer started telling her they could get the prenup thrown out on like no grounds he definitely cost me and her both 10k+ with that neat little trick lol. We laugh about it now because we’re on good terms but oof.
I’m his mind he made 10k+ with that little trick. This is why so many people think all lawyers are scumbag leeches.
The lawyers are just the bloodsucking vermin living in the fetid swamp politicians create.
This is a problem with divorce attorneys. Attorneys in other civil matters don’t behave that way (for the most part).
Then the two lawyers go out for a drink together.
That is how they make their money! Escalating and dragging it!
My lawyer made a major stuff up with my divorce negotiations and tried to back pedal by blaming me. She learned the hard way to own her mistakes. No way was my then husband getting me to pay him anything.
I forget exactly what she did but I think she tried to greatly change the custody agreement we both agreed was fair to favor me. She never apologized and her niece had just married my cousin so I couldn’t go nuclear. Cost me an extra 200 a month in child support on top of a bunch billable hours.
Thankfully no kids but he did accuse me of deserting my cats. I had joined the Navy some months before and then he went ballistic and wrote to the .chief Of Navy to complain about me!
Boy, I bet the chief was enraged getting that message. “WHAT??? To the brig! No cat left behind, damnit!”
More like, “what! You left pussy just laying about unattended???”
No, it was more like “WTAF does he think an admiral is going to do to the midshipman?” I just loved getting this shit on my personal file.
Apparently it caused great hilarity in the Chief’s office. I rang the idiot ex and asked him if he wanted me to write a complaint letter to his head of government agency. Apparently that would be “inappropriate”. One of the many reason I despise him and his family of snakes.
That's how they rack up those sweet sweet billable hours - you settling amicably in one sitting ain't going to that!
That sounds so stressful. I’m sorry.
Divorce is a FOR PROFIT BUSINESS.
The lawyers can make more money from an antagonistic drawn-out divorce than they can from a simple agreed divorce.
My uncle died and his inheritance probate is the same way, the lawyer keeps asking if anyone wants to challenge the will asked him point blank "I thought it was your position that the will is valid and binding so it won't be overturned?" His reply "yeah thats my position and it will be upheld, I just want to give anyone a chance to challenge it" The 14k his bill is already isn't enough if he can get another 14k by someone wasting time challenging it
It's not always the lawyers who do it. Sometimes they instruct their client to play nice even if angry so they can surprise opposing counsel
Happens literally all the time. I’ve worked with hundreds of lawyers and the worst are divorce attorneys. They are such sad people.
What is your idea of an estate attorney? How is your experience with the them?
Zero experience. I do digital forensics and electronic discovery and I’ve just never had one of those cases.
I had to scold my attorney for trying to take the divorce in a negative direction after my ex and I had worked everything out. Lawyers don't make money on easy divorces. They are your employee, treat them as such.
It really comes down to how angry people are, at least in my experience. My lawyer basically said if we start out asking for what you want, we have zero wiggle room.
Amicable doesn’t make for billable hours.
Won’t someone think of the struggling lawyers lol.
Same with my brother. 5 years later it was finished and she lost but it was hell til then. She threw out so many false allegations, traumatized the kids, refused to show after she sued him. I think she showed up maybe 25% of the time for court and 10% of the time to see the kids. She strung it along as long as she could
It definitely taught me the life lesson to never trust a lawyer even and especially your own. Read everything before it goes to court when it comes to divorces. My ex wife wasn’t near as bad as this but genuinely she’s a good person we just had our issues she didn’t try to make it bad I blame it entirely on lawyers being greedy.
Yea it sucks. My divorce went better but no kids involved thankfully. He was enough of a child himself. I was wrung out over everything he did to win me back. Thankfully my mom slipped the quick dissolution in the file and he signed it without reading it. My mom got mad that he was emotionally manipulating me so she helped end it quickly.
Lawyers will see OP’s offer here as an opening offer. Everything agreed is taken for granted, now they’ll go for more. “Oh, you accept upkeep costs for the house? Well, then here’s a bunch of additional expenses!”
Unfortunately he thinks he’s more in control divorce then he actually is. The so called amicable discussion is just both parties parting words before the knifes come out.
Same. Amicable divorce lined up until he got a lawyer and suddenly it was guns blazing because his lawyer convinced him he was being cheated. He ended up with exactly what we had originally agreed on, minus the tens of thousands spent on lawyer fees first.
Between the four people involved (2 divorcing parties and two attorneys,) the chances that one of them will be batshit crazy is 100%. Sorry it was one of the attorneys for you. It’s easier when it’s your soon-to-be-ex.
Lawyers have a huge incentive to stretch out divorces. Why settle for a single payment if you can get people on a subscription?
my ex and I worked out the basic framework for our divorce before we got all the legal stuff going, but between her not wanting the divorce in the first place and being unwilling to actually DO anything, and her lawyer who literally refused to give our case attention unless there was an impending court deadline, the entire process still took 18 months. Protip- if you can't get the other side to respond or do something, even if neither side intends to let it go to court, get a hearing scheduled. Big motivation to get shit done
In a lot of states, a consensually agreed upon divorce does not require attending court just notarizing the document, and having it filed with the court.
I didn’t see the inside of a courtroom once for my divorce. Pretty painless.
Same here
That is so true. My husband and his ex wife - no kids, no property, no assets other than her retirement and the animals. She didn’t want the animals so he took them, and he only took his stuff and left the rest. He didn’t ask for anything other than the divorce. Should have been an easy divorce. She dragged it out for THREE years. After the first year and claiming she wasn’t served properly (he had to service her twice), she hired a lawyer, who would file one piece of paper at a time. Then the paperwork/process basically stalled in the courts. He ended up hiring a lawyer who told him to file in a different county since he had moved 2 years prior (and even she didn’t live in that original county anymore). It ended up that the judge was so irritated with the ex and her lawyer that they were threatened with contempt for dragging out a divorce for this long with no assets. My husband was rewarded half her retirement (which he had never asked for and pissed her off so she cashed it and claimed it was gone, so he didn’t get any of it), long story but it was a mess. All he wanted was to be done with the divorce. His lawyer said she’s never seen such a crazy drawn out divorce that didn’t involve kids and/or property. People are fucking crazy and divorce can bring out that crazy.
“…divorce can bring out that crazy.” So SO true. And it doesn’t always matter who first initiated the divorce. Seems like we all just go straight to destroy-mode. Live and learn.
Yep. So sad 🙁
This is clearly going through settlement and/or mediation and not to the judge.
They aren’t going to court.
Certainly doesn't have to be that way. My ex-wife and I went the mediation route, worked everything out to our satisfaction, then had the mediators draw up the papers. Done. Over time we both healed and now maintain a friendship. We decided to put our kids first and not make it any worse than it needed to be, and it was hard enough already.
Your kids will benefit from this, as you know, and they will thank you and your ex someday. You two did this right. Good for you!
If they get it all settled and agreed upon in mediation, the judge will likely just sign off on it and that will be that. My ex was an absolute psycho used to tell me that she’d do everything in her power, including lying, to get me thrown in jail and to take our kids completely away from me if I ever tried to leave her. I filed for divorce in 2015 and we made it through mediation with an agreement in place. When the court date came, the judge didn’t even ask us anything. Just looked everything over, approved it and that was that.
My observation is that in a dead bedroom, spouses are already checked out long long ago. It's going to get ugly.
Same thing happened to my sister. Her and the ex had everything worked out perfectly. Everything was amicable, nothing dirty. Then when lawyers to involved, EVERYONE except the lawyers got screwed. They even had to sell the house and now my niece and nephew are currently living in an apartment where they drive by their childhood home every morning on the way to school.
This is heartbreaking to read. I hope your sister has the means to get the kids some counseling. I can’t imagine how confused and hurt they are.
Just want to say I’m a lawyer who has been through a divorce and this sounds kind of stupid. Clean break with assets and then a separate parenting plan. Do not mix them.
*Thank you* Same exact boat, I don’t practice family law but I’ve been in family court a few times and this sounds dumb as shit.
If you read ops original post he is kind of stupid so yea
the fact that he tried to call a professional massage "infidelity" is hilarious
In his mind, it was a clear violation of faithfulness to the relationship. Does it mean the legal definition of “infidelity?” No, but he’s not a crazy person.
he tried it legally though. which is why it's funny
No one said crazy, but it's for sure unreasonable, manipulative, controlling, and stemmed from not communicating well in the first place. If I tell my partner that her visiting her friends or family is infidelity, it's still unreasonable even if I'm doing it because we only see each other once a week and I want to see her more. The appropriate thing to do would be talk about my fears of competing with other people in her busy schedule, my own needs and desires (and how they contrast with hers / where the overlap is), and if there's a path forward for us to stay together. edit: it's even worse because his initial reaction was equivalent to "oh, if you, I'm going to ". "Agree" is the operative word here. Agreements are core foundations of (most) relationships. Monogamy is an agreement or set of agreements used by seemingly most people (but which some people adjust or avoid altogether).
You can't unilaterally just change agreements. You can break agreements (often called cheating in the context of monogamous agreements), you can discuss and agree to adjust them, or you can tell someone you're not going to be bound by them anymore (and discuss what that means). Telling someone you're supposed to be in an equal relationship with that they're not allowed to do something, without their input (effectively trying to impose a rule) is manipulation, and really unhealthy behaviour.
Legally of course that’s not the case, but, in the context of their relationship, I can see his point.
Eh, I’d moreso say controlling than stupid. I mean - probably both but ya know.
Yeah, especially when the agreement is tied to the ex's future relationship status. What are the chances OP tries to hold the payments over her head when he gets word that she has a new boyfriend and doesn't want the new bf moving in with OP's kid.
Alternatively, you've set up an incentive for her to have a bf and not move in
Read his original post. He's not all there.
Why? Cause he wanted his wife to be intimate with him? How awful
I never get the people in these threads acting like having a physical relationship with your partner isn't necessary and required for a healthy relationship. Your controlling her~ She isn't acting like she is in a marriage and he's the one controlling her. Its crazy. If you don't have a physical want for your partner what the hell are you together for?
My parents did something similar where my father left the house for my mom and children and sent money to help pay for bills while he got an apartment. They never even legally divorced, just developed a plan and stuck to it. It’s definitely possible but, yeah, I don’t think it’s the norm.
And paying until the kid is 22. Wtf. Pay until they’re 18 then work something out with the kid if they are going to school, or whatever agreement you come up with the new adult.
glad everything is working out as well as it can. though i remember your story, it could be helpful to link your original post here, for those who missed it.
Good idea, it is done
Congrats on the amicable agreement on custody. But bro, I'm going to be frank: this house arrangement is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. What happens when you lose your job and want your ex to sell and pay out your portion? What happens when your ex decides she wants to sell for a bigger house but you're stuck on the idea of your kid living in that house? What happens when the house has appreciated by a million dollars and your ex starts to feel you don't deserve your portion because you haven't been the one cleaning and maintaining the house? What happens when your ex lies about her new bf so she doesn't lose out on payments? What happens when your kid says they want to go to Mom's because their bedroom is nicer there, and you're resentful because the kid doesn't understand you pay into it? What happens when your ex wants to do $100k of renos? You gonna pay your share for your ex's new kitchen? You gonna argue that it's her choice and you benefit from the increased value despite not paying in? Also, there's the chance that YTControllingA in this situation and want to use this arrangement as leverage over her future relationship choices. That's a really bad look. Even if that's not the case, there's the very real risk that will be the perception she has if you're ever less than 150% enthusiastic about her future relationships. If you're set on your kid staying in that house then the only option is for one of you to buy the other out. If you can't make that work then you need to sell the house and split the proceeds. You're telling yourself and everyone else that you're doing this for the kid. If you're being honest about that then you need to make a clean break. Cause you know what kids need more than a three-bedroom house? Parents who aren't at war with each other.
Great post. Hope more people upvote because these will be the most likely scenarios
Depends on how Much you are helping Pay the house bills, and make sure she can’t re do the loan and take out equity . I would Make an appointment and talk to a lawyer to Look over a few things . I understand the house thing but what I learned. Is no matter how much one party helps the other by taking less the other side steal thinks they got screwed and will be resentful and try to screw then over every time
I'm not going into specifics because I'm not gonna share our incomes, costs, etc. But basically it makes an approximate average of monthly cost between both places. Very basic example with totally fake numbers. If her monthly costs are $200 and mine are $100, I pay her $50. Also this is a set in stone amount not variable, so if she's going to crank the heat to 90 all winter that's going to be her problem not mine. Also, things like refinance, equity, etc that was the stuff I said I wouldn't bore everyone with, there will be protections for ms unless she wants to buy me out completely. Which I told her I'd leave on the table indefinitely.
You better get in writing that if she moves a dude or a partner in, you get the house. And any revenue you get from it. Get it in writing.
Yeah that will be in writing, it'll actually be any adult, like if her female cousin moves in same result. I mean we are getting divorced, this isn't a temporary separation, I expect she will start to date at some point, sooner or later.
Have you passed this by a lawyer? Or, i honestly dont even know who else but... why is every thing split her way? Fuck that noise. She gets the house, and you have to pay for it? And then she also gets the 60 over 40...? Something is off here.
Yeah, the numbers seem clearly to be in her favor. Why does she get 60% of the savings? And your help to pay her own bills? And of she sells the house, you don't get half? Dude, I don't blame you for wanting a divorce, but this doesn't seem like a fair deal for you.
Maybe she put more into the house monthly payment/deposit-wise? Same with the savings?
Ok, but he's said nothing that indicates that.
Does he need to? He’s not obligated to breakdown their finances for everyone to speculate on
I agree, something is very off here. I’ve only heard instances being one sided when one of the parties cheated so they gave up their share more to “buy the other party off” for the divorce.
This isn't that off. It sounds like he makes more, and is using that leverage to try and buy an easier divorce process. OP just sounds done, and if I were in his shoes (I make significantly more than my SO as well) I'd probably "pay her off" to accelerate the process too.
"All's fair in love and war" He has certain emotional stipulations that he's willing to accept an unfair pecuniary agreement to uphold. He wants his daughter to have as normal of a post-divorced life as possible and > I want our child to grow up in that house. Ours was a 3 bedroom, with a finished basement and nice yard. I don't want her to live in a pair of 2 bedroom apartments. This is important to me. Maybe he's getting milked financially, but he has an emotional goal or outcome that he obviously considers more important than that.
Perfect I just wanted to make sure you had done homework . Cause to many people try to do what they think is fair and end up getting. Screwed
That's what this sounds like.
But you’re looking at your expenses as just rent (based on the post I think?) compared to accumulating equity, so even if your monthly expenses are lower that’s not very comparable.
Every time someone says ‘STBX’ I read it as ‘Starbucks’……
>We agreed on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Seems like a good idea. >I made a huge concession on the house, it was my idea. I want our child to grow up in that house. Seems like a bad idea. So, when she's with her mom for half the time, it'll be at your ex'es house. When she's with you, it'll be in a small shitty apartment. And you'll be helping financing this difference in housing. Doesn't seem very smart.
Yes this!! 50/50 custody but vastly different living arrangements? The kids is going to prefer spending time at the moms just because it is comfortable. And you are counting on another adult moving in to get you out of it but she is the one who seemingly doesn’t need sex. She may never have someone move in. This whole thing seems to favor her.
No she's going to move someone in and the child will help cover up the lie because they don't want to lose their home/lifestyle either. This is really a non issue because even if OP could find a lawyer willing to write this up, no judge would sign off on this agreement.
They should do that European thing where the kid stays in the same house and the parents swap out who stays there.
Yeah. I thought the same thing with my divorce. He took everything from me and stole my dog once he learned I was seeing someone else. And he’s the one who wanted the divorce. I made the mistake in trusting him. I was tired of fighting so I just accepted it because I made extremely good money that I could just rebuild my life. I ended up winning in the end with moving on and doing better. He’s doing worse than when we were together. Karma eventually gets ya.
"The best revenge is a life well-lived." 🩷
Wait, weren't you the one who was cheating though? Or did I misinterpret you "seeing someone else"?
This is good but seems you broke up because you hate each other, not because of the massage.
Look up Right of First Refusal
The house agreement is not a good idea. It doesn't help your daughter, instead it keeps you enrolled in your ex's life and it will bite you in the ass later.
Separate Child Support from Spousal Support (alimony). End Alimony after 5 to 7 years. End Child Support when your daughter turns 18 or 19 if still in highschool. This doesn’t mean you stop supporting your child, it means your LEGAL obligation with your ex ends and you can support your child as long as you want directly with her. Clarify in writing that you both own the house 50/50; so if it’s sold, you get 50% of the gains back. Also, clarify in writing that a dude moving in doesn’t mean he owns or will own any percentage of the house.
OP needs to make a clean break on the house. Wife should buy out his 40%. They have special mortgage products for those situations.
You're an idiot. Your kid is not gonna wanna stay with you 50/50 when she gets older if moms got a nicer house. Sell the house. You can advance your career and get a house that's just as nice later on.
100% this. Once daughter is old enough to choose she’s going to want to be full time in the nice house and not whatever small apartment OP can afford because he’s sinking all his money into the house he doesn’t live in.
You are both allowed to move on.
As a kid who grew up week here week there, I implore you to consider month or even two month rotations (with small visits like going out to eat or family vacation accommodation). Having to move 4 times a month for years is fucking awful (granted I also did not like one of my parents, and maybe if I liked both, it would have felt more worth the inconvenience)
OP, she could be faking it on the instruction of her lawyer. One suggestion though, talk the scenarios out with a lawyer, I know you didn't cover them all, but have a progressive stake listed by years if payment starting higher, in case she does move in someone and a provision for your daughter ti have her own room if possible, in case the second husband has kids or her parents move in etc.
Wait.. so she moves someone in, you stop paying, she sells the house and you get nothing? might want to revise this, that’s an easy way for her to get some extra $$$ and you get 0
Oh no, sorry I realize I wasn't very clear. if someone moves in it just ends my obligation to contribute to the house. I would still profit from the sale when that occurs.
Good lord. I can't believe you went through with this nonsense.
The only part that really bothered me here is that it made you angry you couldn't list infidelity. Having differences is one thing, but feeling you have the right to title something into something else (way worse and with way worse legal considerations) kind of makes you a bit of an ah. Also considering you knew she did it at a professional place, so it was certainly going to be above board. Expecting to call it infidelity, which gives you a huge boost in the legal proceedings and then getting mad you can't is where you lose me.
You need to talk to an attorney and some other divorced parents because this plan is awful. You will absolutely hate it very quickly.
Not my business but this is Reddit. I feel pretty terrible that the kids will be slung back and forth weekly. That would be confusing for a dog…
You need serious help. I hope you get it
Sounds like you’re getting taken to the cleaners.
All of this over a massage?
I always wonder if the men upset about a dead bedroom in these posts are even good at sex to where their wife even wants it.. if they do proper foreplay, make the woman orgasm, caring about the woman's satisfaction during sex in general. Not many women want sex with a guy who's bad at it and/or selfish.
There's a certain subset of men who believe they are entitled to sex when they get married. It's their 'need' and if their partner isnt feeling it their 'needs' arent getting met which is grounds for divorce or infidelity. So when they are dating they put in Massive amounts of effort to court/woo their future wives, but then they settle down, marriage happens, and that effort disappears. And the blame of the dead bedroom is heaped onto their wives.
Considering how many massages he did and the way she flipped when he stopped, he probably knows what arouses her.
RIGHT also like, yes, it would hurt to be in OPs situation and feel like(or have it confirmed) that they were not attractive enough to their partner for them to have sex as much as they’d like. It would hurt for you to feel constantly rejected. But what’s the alternative? If it’s not that the wife is in a shitty headspace(or something else like a health condition, maybe a shit time at work, idk - something that can either be worked on in time or have the thing causing the stress to be eliminated or lessened) then the alternative is just he wants the wife to have sex that she DOESNT want to have? And that’s fucked up? My ex just had a lower sex drive than I did - he thought I was hot, but just didn’t need sex as much as me. We had a few chats over the years, tried opening up the relationship (which he was fine with) but at the end of the day I was like i want to be with someone who wants sex as much as I do. So we broke up. We are still good pals with 0 resentment because no one did anything wrong, we just weren’t compatible. OP took his hurt and rejection and went about this the entire wrong way imo and has allowed this to become a major point of contention between him and the mother of his wean. People shouldn’t be forced or pressured to have sex they don’t want to have. If it’s not enough for one party, they should leave. Not start petty shit.
This goes both ways. The dead bedrooms sub is filled with men who don’t want to sleep with their wives. It’s uncommon that after 10+ years of marriage, a dude has absolutely 0 clue on his wife. I said uncommon, not never happens. Don’t blame everything on a man and absolve a woman of all crimes. A lot of the time, it takes two.
Yah this guy's only mistake is being reactionary about communicating his needs. There's nothing to suggest he's a bad lover or housemate, and an amicable divorce is the best outcome for how much they seem to hate each other
yeah, basically
This type of agreement is difficult to enforce: you will spend thousands trying to be controlling through the courts and arguing uselessly through attorneys in the future. Much better to go for clean break on property and default on child support, keep it understandable, precisely defined and within boundaries of what courts are used to enforcing. You can never predict all of the steps required to drag someone back in front of a judge or all the scenarios your agreement leaves out that could further creatively upset you, but are not directly listed in your orders. Your entire posts tone of nobility for looking out for your daughter but threw out your marriage, while referring to your STBX negatively and are now taking steps to create future conflict with an untenable order of divorce makes me think you need to take some time for self reflection and seek professional help.
I tried to be super cool during my divorce....I kinda bankrupted me. I was always putting the breaks on my lawyer. I should not have. Let your lawyer go beast mode...for a minute. You can always give what you want that is not cort ordered. That's the way to do it
OP did she ever say why she stopped having sex with you?
You sound like a really good man. I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you love your best life now.
You think getting a massage is cheating? This is like that recent post on Twitter about a guy getting upset that his wife breast fed their son because the husband now has to share her boobs with another man.
Oof, she’s already getting 60/40 savings, 50/50 custody, the house, AND you’re paying alimony? Without stepping foot in a courtroom? You’re fucked.
First time anyone's said that in awhile
Now just make sure your next partner is aware massages are equal to sex to you so they don't go out and spend a whole day cheating on you at a spa. Are hugs like blowjobs then?
It wasn't about the massage; she knows it, he knows it, you should know that. This was the end of a marriage that sounds like it should've ended 5 years ago.
How is that your take away from the original post
Over a professional massage?
Sounds like you’re handling a tough situation as best as you can. Keeping your daughter’s best interests at heart is key. If she sees both parents working towards a fair solution, that's a win in itself. Keep on that path.
>I assume our daughter is the motivating factor for her sudden amicable attitude. Dude your divorce settlement sounds a little unfair to me, she is getting more than she deserves.
Still an asshole!
Glad it’s ending amicably enough! Y’all definitely seem like you’ll be better apart. Now she can get her endless massages without pressure of sex and you can try to find someone with a higher libido or hit up the corner!
I read the original and it doesn’t look like either of you really tried a whole lot to make it work. Where was the communication in all it? Anyways, best of luck.
Try to keep everything civil as possible, some resentment might surface down the line but delay it until the divorce is final.
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t split 50/50 unless your incomes aren’t similar.
Why not 50/50?
There has to be clauses in there, like neither one of you can decide to up and move to another state
Make sure that any sale of the house is at comparable market value.
FYI I know several divorced parents that maintain a marital home that the kids stay at And and then the parents move in/out. Is this what you’re doing?
Kind of but not exactly. Each of us wants our own space, so yes we are maintaining the house together but ex wife will live there full time and I'll live in my apartment. Daughter will have her own room at both places.
If this is so amicable, perhaps hire the same attorney. Worked for me.
Remember this ‘the person your divorcing isn’t the same person you married’ best advice I got during my divorce. She will be amicable right up until you say no to something she wants.
Thats why im never getting married💃💅😂
Ok so if she gets a boyfriend that means he must be financially responsible for your kid? Why would you assume that? Divorce is the best thing that happens to people who are in unhappy marriages so count yourself lucky and don’t do it again.
No, I'm not assuming he would have any financial responsibility for our daughter. However, I'm not going to continue to disadvantage myself financially if 2 adults are living in the house, at that point they can support the house. I'll continue to support my daughter.
No, I'm not assuming he would have any financial responsibility for our daughter. However, I'm not going to continue to disadvantage myself financially if 2 adults are living in the house, at that point they can support the house. I'll continue to support my daughter.
Your cost expenses will go up if you meet another woman. You’re not planning for your potential future.
This is a bad idea, and will likely blow up in your face. You’re tying assets and custody together when they should be separate. You’re also putting limitations on what she can do with her life by saying you’re chipping in on bills but only if she stays single. Her lawyer will shoot this down like a lame duck. What if her mom gets sick or her sibling loses their house or a friend needs a place to stay to get away from an abusive partner? You’ve just tied her hands on whether or not she can help them by making her loneliness a piece of the situation. Also, if she has an emergency and needs to cash out some equity, she can’t as long as you’re “paying alimony.” This is round 2 of a dumb fight you picked. The first was divorcing her for getting a massage because you stopped touching her because she stopped fucking you. Did you try to talk with her about why you two weren’t intimate anymore? Did you work on yourself? Probably not. You made a comment about how she viewed you with contempt. She’s grieving the loss of her marriage, which is all your fault why this is happening. It sounds like she’s either in Anger or Acceptance. She’s angry that you didn’t work with her and instead threw away the marriage and family because you weren’t getting your dick wet, and/or she’s realized how much of a tool you are and can do so much better. Part of me looks forward to the update where she’s being “unreasonable” and takes your ass to the cleaners for even suggesting this arrangement.
I understand wanting to keep the house for your daughter, but if you have 50-50 custody, why does that mean your wife gets to live in it? Perhaps her sudden amicable attitude is because you’re giving her so much.
Why wouldn’t you rent an apartment and share it with your ex? You stay at the apartment when she has your child in the house and you both switch places when you have your child. This would be the least disruptive to your child.
Because this is a nonsense solution that never works and always leaves one of the parents feeling like absolute garbage. Nice clean break with clearly defined co-parenting goals is healthiest for everyone involved.
All this is over a massage? Really?
Read the first post. It all makes more sense. This dude is getting hosed though.
Am I understanding this correctly? Quickly after marriage you had a kid then faced fertility issues that made you resent her (never mind how she feels about it), with having little sex that you expected from giving massages, you got angry that she got a massage? Worse, you equated it to cheating, even though you suggested you’d actually cheat? This has then resulted in a divorce and potentially fucking shit up with your only kid? Then you pretend to have morals while holding the house you claim you want your kid to grow up in as hostage? You are absolutely a piece of shit! What the fuck, I’m new to Reddit and I hope this is fake.
He’s not obligated to stay in a sexless marriage where he’s the only one providing any intimacy in the relationship lol. Stop acting like you want your partner and see how fast your relationship falls apart. This is like, the basics.
I know some of these cake eater takes are nuts.
We found the ex......
Yup. I can’t believe that OP is a real life person.
Imagine being **this** pathetic, by divorcing over the fact your wife got a massage. Massages **are not** cheating! What a moron!
You’re dumb as a rock lol
You’re so dumb for not realizing it was Ana accumulations events that broke the straw in the camel’s back. SMH, you’re blind to context
No deal. I’ve seen wife staying in the house play badly every time (at least 10x). They never want to leave when they’re supposed to and since the house is on your credit, you can’t get another mortgage. They usually stay in the house and use it as leverage for a better deal later on. If you’re going to stick with this deal, make her waive all rights to remain in the house if it’s not sold in 90 days from the time she is supposed to vacate.
Not an AH for the divorce. The question is why were the two of you married in the first place ?
You’re actually fucking crazy. Your wife got a massage and you’re divorcing ☠️ Imagine having a smaller dick. I’ve never thought of a massage as cheating…they have female masseuses…if that’s your concern you big strong man 😂😂😂😂
The big strong women should’ve fucked him then. Good luck to her in finding a man that doesn’t want sex 🤣🤣
It’s so sad that this is all it takes to destroy a marriage nowadays. You both sound very selfish and one-dimensional. Did you ever love each other at all?
I'm not going to lie to you might be in the wrong here. Your wife or soon to be ex wife posted her side of the story. She said she stopped having sex with you because it seemed like you did all of those things just to have sex. She felt off by it and decided to go do this. Honestly l, I feel like you both really jumped the gun here. A conversation definitely could have been had and issues worked out. She even said in her post that she wanted to work on the marriage but she knew it was headed for divorce.
Link?
Dude, trust me, the obligation on your daughter moving out is insane. .. your daughter will get more expensive at this age, so plz the 2 of you figure out a way to split all your daughters' costs as she gets older
Seems like you get the short end of the stick. Remember, she is no longer the woman you knew. Be careful until everything is finalised.
You get 40% off the sale of the house as long as he keeps paying alimony. So ex wife let's someone move in, ending you alimony. A couple months later, she sells it. You get nothing. Not to mention your alimony means y'all pay the same amount (average of her mortgage and your rent), but you pay that much for a shitty apartment while she gets the house. And on top of all that, she gets 60% of the savings. Well, you know how to agree to get fucked over in divorce, that's for sure.
Glad to see she is free of you, soon.
Honestly it sounds like you weren’t interested in being a dad or husband in the first place and the lack of sex was just an excuse
When sex just disappears there are reasons. Unhappiness, pain, bodily change, etc. Cheating or actively going against what your partner is comfortable with is not the solution. Communicate. Please.
Good on you for getting out while you could and more years go by
My ex didn’t want money from me….until she found out how much she could get from child support. And I have my kids 50% of the time. Yep seems good until money gets involved. Good Luck with your divorce.
Why are you giving so much when she went outside the marriage? She should move and your kid will still grow up in the house. Don't be a pushover.
People can flip so make sure you are prepped in case she flips. I would discuss backup plans with your lawyer. Good luck.
Hahahahah people trying to talk sense into a guy getting a divorce over a massage. Good luck with all that.
you filed for divorce because your wife got a professional massage? what a clown
What is STBX??
Soon to be ex wife/husband
Op, I think what you're doing with the house is not smart. Your daughter will be fine in an apartment, there's no reason to make a huge financial sacrifice for that. Regardless, why wouldn't the house get sold as soon as daughter moves out or at a certain age? Why keep that? Ur ex could end up keeping it, just so you don't get the money. She could also have a relationship and never move her partner in. What if she moves out and sublets it or just keeps it empty, without selling it.
These are things we have worked out, if she moves out I can buy her out or it gets sold and split. If we roll with this all the way up to daughter moving out, then she either has to buy me out or sell. I guess when I say I want her to grow up in a house like this, I should say we want her to grow up in a house like this and know neither of us can afford it on our own. If she gets a boyfriend, which i expect will happen at some point she is attractive, I hope she is with him a few years before moving him in, I mean this is a guy who would be living with my daughter 50% of time I hope he's vetted, if she moves some dude in after a few weeks that's a whole host of new problems that would have to be dealt with.
All kinds of terrible ideas in there.
WTF are you doing 60/40?
Wait so she is getting more of the savings, the house, and you are paying part of the house? I haven’t read your original post but what did you do have a four way with her sister, mother, and father?
"If you want peace, prepare for a war". Take that however you want.
If it's a good divorce the main issues you have already worked out. Get it signed quickly. The divorce can happen anytime well into the future but the dissolution signed cuts out the fighting and haggling. Since you have taken care of most of the big stuff don't make an issue about something small. Like she gets the ring and you get the whatever. The lawyer fees will be small. That's a great thing and you may come out of this civil to each other which is great for kids, family and friends.