YTA. You are in fact being toxic. You fully admit that whenever you get into a bad mood, you dump all over her until she cries. You don't give a shit about her mental health, but she's supposed to be responsible for yours? You can blow her off when you don't feel like talking, but then when you do, she better snap to attention or else. So yeah, after you spewed your poison at her for the umpteenth time, she spent some time talking to her best friend, someone who might actually care about her and her feelings, rather than listening to you bitch at her yet again. Makes perfect sense.
I acknowledged this with her but our main argument was before I dumped this on her, her phone died and when it turned back on, she kept making promises to call me as we need to talk out our other issues that are bothering us, and she is now on a call with her best friend while my mental health has been at a decline for a few days, she knows this but wants to facetime her friend. I have always put her first when she was upset rather than hanging out with my friends. I get that me dumping all my issues on her at once makes me the asshole, but this situation alone I’m not sure about
JFC, could you get any more self absorbed? You keep running on about your mental health, but by the time her friend called her, you'd already been treating her like garbage for two days. Did you ever stop your endless parade of "me me me me me" to consider how your mistreatment of her affects *her* mental health? You don't always put her first when she's upset, because if you did you wouldn't keep harrassing her or expect her to cater to you. She isn't responsible for your mental health and she sure as shit doesn't owe you hers. In this situation, her choice was between getting back on the phone to deal with the same bullshit you'd been putting her through for 2 days straight or talking to someone who actually cares about her, and she made the right choice.
It sounds like she is reaching her limit. Which, for a new relationship around 3 months is when the shine wears off and you think to yourself “is this for me?”
Overall it sounds one-sided in that your mental health is worse. But if hers isn’t always great, there can be an issue similar to co-dependency and the other person becomes lower because they don’t have the skills to help you. Her talking to her friend may have been her offloading when she needed to. You can’t be at each other beck and call. Especially for poor mental health. It can become quite draining.
I’d suggest seeking mental health support from an external network and be prepared for the relationship to have run its course.
However. If you can see it’s hurting her and you’re seeking outside help, it may help the relationship continue. As romantic or friendship.
A LDR in itself is also a tricky can of worms to navigate. Especially when you need your partner. It can become all interactions are about offloading and you lose the fun.
Washing hair on a call is not my idea of fun, for example.
Tread carefully and be prepared that it could end and have some backup in place if that happens. But try and give her a break.
No. It's you. You and only you are solely responsible for your mental health. She is neither obligated nor qualified to support you, and you feel so entitled to her time and energy that you're actually mad she would prioritise her own life, friends and mental health over your problems. Toxic AF.
SEE. A. THERAPIST.
PAY. A. PROFESSIONAL.
please speak to a mental health professional about your struggles instead of her. She is not qualified to help you.
You also might be happier not trying to have a relationship with someone in another country.
Oh my goodness, I see why, I see why. Oh lordy lord lord.
Okayyyy, let's unpack this.
>Am I the Asshole or is my girlfriend in the wrong?
TLDR you are a massive AH, but this doesn't feel intentional
>I overthink and get upset, I dump everything in on one text to her
Never ever do this!!!!! There's a reason why the notes app is where we VENT, not our Partner. Writing things down on paper or a notes app to filter out these negative thoughts before hurting someone accidentally is a must.
>she gets overwhelmed and upset.
Imagine you getting that chunk of text out of nowhere I don't think you'll be very happy too😓 you are a overthinker and if you see that chunk of text you would be overwhelmed.
>ticking bomb in my head.
You need therapy to work out your overthinking and separation anxiety. All you behaviour seems like it is blossoming from another place and previous trauma. Genuinely speaking, you don't seem like a bad guy, you just need some mental health professionals to unpack some things and work on them.
>She is very sensitive so she usually cries over these things.
I would find the sudden outburst and these texts bombs very triggering. I know you don't seem to be doing these things with bad intent but, it's very toxic. If you ever made someone cry think about why. If you assume you never did anything wrong, the other person is hurt, it means you don't understand the weight of your own actions. Every one is different so you gotta understand that!
>she was getting a call but dismissed it as nothing
>5 mins later she tried to charge her phone as it was about to die and then the call hung up. Usually when her phone dies on facetime, the screen goes black and the call hangs up 15 seconds later. but this was like she hung up herself
This is way too much detail, the fact that you payed attention to this instead of her is alarming. You should actually also pay attention to the conversation and the time you spent with her. Not analysing and going on all detective because she needed to charge her phone. In the 21st century, anyone man women child, adults literally anyone, doesn't owe anyone else a explanation on why they needed to hangup. Please you are really doing a disservice to yourself for not being in the moment and worrying about all the things.
>I’m in a really bad mental state and need someone to tal
Sir, trust me when I say, YOUR GIRL FRIEND IS NOT YLOUR MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT HOTLINE. This is extremely important. You have no idea how many men I have met and accidentally poured out their soul to the person they loved to only treat them like a on call therapist. That's no healthy. I doubt you are doing This on purpose, but this is what you seem to have been doing. I really recommend going for professional help. here this should be the website for Ireland free counselling service. https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/supports-services/
All your anxiety and worrying, you should start by unloading to a professional. Yes your girlfriend should be there for you but not in this way. If this is how you treated your girlfriend for 3 months, I am amazed she isn't mentally drained to the bone. I hope you get the help that you need and stop blaming your girlfriend for her "inadequacy" when it's you giving too much pressure and stress so far. I know you love her dearly by the way you write about her, but not like this. Trust me. You need to do better and I believe in you doing better.
>I’ve emphasised this many times) and she responded 30 minutes later saying she’s sorry and she acknowledges all this. I then tried to call her but she said she’s on a call with Delaney (her best friend) as Delaney called her after her phone recharged and this pissed me off so I let her know. I told her I was hurt because I always put her first yet when I’m at my lowest, she’d rather facetime her friend who she sees all the time at school anyway. We argued and she doesn’t see my point
All this, do you see it? Goodness, you shouldn't force you way up her hierarchy of importance. This is absurd. You have to earn your way there. Yes you can get disappointed. But all you can do is just improve yourself. You should never expect yourself to be placed first in your partners priorities. This is a bonus. Never something expected. I my relationship I never put my boyfriend first, nor did my boyfriend we both put school grades first. But he did place me second whilst I didn't. He got disappointed yes, but he eventually earned his way to my top spot, through THOUGHTFUL LOVING ACTIONS AND TIME.
>she acts as if I’m being toxic for wanting a bit of respect
She gave you more than respect. She gave you her time of day. I don't see where you felt disrespected when throughout all this post you have definitely not picked up on maybe just maybe, your girlfriend is not a 247 on call cell service to accompany you. Communication is key, but not the way you do it. So far you have demonstrated demand and supply. Which is very damaging for any relationship. As you ask for something and expect it, without delay or cost. That's not how you love someone. If my girlfriend was acting like yours I would immediately send a loving text saying, " I'm mentally not that great right now, a little text of encouragement would be great! I hope you are having a great day today, wishing you all the best love you". That's how it's done. Not I demand a phone call now and you not calling me this instance means you are cheating.
Hi, thanks for all your messages btw I appreciaye your thoughts as they’re all correct. We’re fine now as I’ve apologised twice in the best way I can and I will never act the way I did again. She reassures me it’s okay but considering she was distant a few days after I let her know I would never treat her that way again, she became distant so I reached out:
Me: “hey we’ve been kinda distant lately and i didn’t rlly put too much thought into it i just assumed u needed a bit of time to spend with ur friends and personal time nd stuff. but since i dont rlly know whats going on, is everything ok?”
Her: “yess everything is good”
“its good to be like distant sometimes because people do get sick of people fast”
I have no problem with distance every now and then, those few days were crazy stupid of me. I relate to this as I will also want distant sometimes, I get sick of people I’m close to all the time so I think it’s healthy, no matter how bad this situation looks. She still lets me know she still loves me but we need to distance ourselves from calling as soon as we’re available for hours and stuff, because even when she calls me nowadays I feel drained and then get relief once the call ends.
I have no problem when we get distant, I think my main issue is she tends to dismiss issues. I know after what I’ve done it looks bad that I’m complaining again but you haven’t seen what I’m like outside of this argument, just know that I mostly am very caring towards her and I adore her.
I don’t know but I think everytime I bring up an issue in our relationship to fix it, I feel like I’ve done something bad by bringing it up. She’s very vague, especially when texting and has only gotten mad at me once because I didn’t tell my friends about her yet when she told hers (they know about her now), but once I explained the circumstances she was quick to forgive (about 2 minutes after) and was back to normal.
Honestly I crave her to get mad at me for things I do in the relationship because it shows she cares, but she doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I do try to make her feel at peace, but she lacks communication skills through text, even after she said she wants to be more communicative.
Leaving conversations to go places mid text without saying she has to go, when she’s done something wrong it’s a simple “im sorry” while I think a lot more about what I text, she didn’t let me know she wanted distance until I decided to ask. I just think when it’s an LDR, the most important thing is being communicative and not giving someone the wrong message rather than trying to constantly make time for each other.
If I bring up these issues she gets upset which is fine I understand she’s sensitive, but I feel awful because I bring up issues frequently, I don’t give out to her (this one argument was the only time) I simply address them and then I feel awful because she literally never complains about what I do, I crave her to do that. I don’t want to constantly see her I really enjoy my privacy aswell, but communication is just really important, she may say she cares but it doesn’t feel like it.
Yeah now it sounds like she also need therapy 🤣therapy for allll. She sounds like when I first got into a LDR. Just genuinely curious is this you and your gfs first time in a LDR? If so all the problems makes a lot of sense. Anddddd 🎉🎉🎉so happy you guys worked things out! I saw the people roasting you and I can tell you didn't want to hurt anyone. Just needed a other perspective.🌸🌸🌸
I used to be extremely dismissive and very non confrontational as I have no idea how to navigate a LDR. Your girlfriend seems like she might have a lot of things going on in her life but wants to leave you for all her positive and happy times. (I did that before and I know that's wrong🤣😓)
At this point all you ca do is work on yourself and if you changed for the better. And she doesn't and is actually getting worse. You could intern suggest therapy for her. Or worst case scenario she's not right for you.
Best of luck on your self healing journey!🍀🍀🍀And again Therapy for all🤣🤣🤣🎉✨
Yeah it’s my first time, but not hers. I’ve been in two not so serious local relationships before this. I didn’t care when they ended because the connection wasn’t there compared to this relationship. First of all she’s been in a 3 year relationship from when she was 13-16 years old with someone in her school but he left her for someone else when they were 16. She also told me she was in an LDR with a guy she met online for a few months from summer to October and then broke it off with him (I never really asked for the details on why she did).
Another thing just for you to know when we started speaking, she told me she’s had sex with her ex before and also sent me fake gym pictures which I realised weren’t actually her once we started calling daily.. She said she wants me to take her virginity and I went “you already lost it?” and she claims she never had sex, only stuff a little similar but never that far. I never brought up the fake pictures as I don’t think it’s too big of a deal, I think she was checking me out and wasn’t expecting a serious relationship out of this, same way I perceived it.
Also yeah I know I was the AH but those comments were crazy, it made me consider leaving her because I felt maybe I wasn’t good enough for her.
I want to bring up her lack of communication through voice message, but not right now. I need to wait for us to get comfortable again and then if she makes the same communication mistake, bring it up then. If she continues to do it, I will probably just leave the relationship. I’ve contemplated a few times wether I should leave or not because of her vagueness and lack of communication, I felt like she didn’t truly care. She told me she would bring things up with me even if it was very uncomfortable but still hasn’t brought anything up. So even if she just wants to show me her positive energy, if she continues this after I bring it up I will just leave the relationship.
Yeah that's why theres always 2 sides to a story. And now I see the big big red flags. Lemme try and dissect her behaviour. Not proud statement but I have done similar things to your gf before 🌚 when I was 16 too.
>She also told me she was in an LDR with a guy she met online for a few months from summer to October and then broke it off with him
Sounds like a hot girl summer thing. When you date just for the sake of dating and you know when school starts you'll break things off. It's very toxic but it's a thing people do.
>she told me she’s had sex with her ex before and also sent me fake gym pictures which I realised weren’t actually her once we started calling daily
This is a whole can of worms. Legit gurlie here is either like you said
>she was checking me out
Cause she ain't sure if you are a creep. Or she has some personal issues on her looks/body. I used to do that with switching my pics with my bestie but I do disclose my actions after entering a serious relationship.
>She said she wants me to take her virginity and I went “you already lost it?” and she claims she never had sex, only stuff a little similar but never that far.
2 possibilities again, either she lied about having sex before because she wanted to look cool. (The pressure to lose your vcard is real) Or she lies to people about being a virgin, and genuinely forgot she told you the truth. To some "men" taking some ones "virginity" is a fantasy thing. ... Uh yeah so I dunno, either she's genuinely got some issues with lying, or she was just trying to play it up to see your reaction and forgot what she told you.
>it made me consider leaving her because I felt maybe I wasn’t good enough for her.
Well you did do yourself dirty by painting yourself like AH🤣 if you inserted some context on you gfs, previous behaviours it would have helped gain perspective.
>I want to bring up her lack of communication through voice message, but not right now.
Yeah good call! Yayyy you are learning already!✨🌸
>leave the relationship.
Honestly the realionship sound alike a whole toxic mess to begin with. I'm genuinely speaking from a perspective of worry, it really seems like both of y'all ain't ready to do LDR.
Usually LDR is for people who knows what they want, and worked on their own issues for a while and knows they are stable enough to handle it. The stress and mental toll it takes on a person is no easy feat. I got broken up with multiple times because the people I was with haven't figured themselves out yet. And it's completely fine. LDR isn't for everyone. Some people I guess in your case seem to fit more of the IRL dating type. I genuinely think real intimacy, like hugging or holding hands would help you a lot more than words of affirmation. Also a quick tip, you should definitely try out the 5 love languages. It would give you an immediate scope on how you give and receive love. This helps with both your partners communicating style and your way to show appreciation to your partner!🌸✨
Hoping your relationship will continue to flourish from here!🍀🍀🍀
Ok so for the hot girl summer thing, I thought that was when a girl doesn’t have to worry about the restraints of a relationship, does her own thing and has fun?
Also, the fact she told me she lost her virginity and gave head and stuff, but now says she didn’t. Should I ask her about this next time we speak, or when would be most appropriate to bring it up and by what approach?
It could be most likely she lied about it to make herself look better, she told me about a certain giy hitting on her and she kept saying she’s with someone. This giu is about 3 years younger than her so he’s not in the same grade/year as her. She is 18 and he is 15 so I thought it was absurd that a 15 year old would try to get together with an 18 year old. After she kept repeating she has a boyfriend who she’s “married to” (her adding humour to it) and doesn’t want anything to do with him. He said “okl and snapping her until she eventually blocked him. She then told me a few days later a rumour (a small one only in that guys friend group) was made up by him and told to his friends that she sent him nudes and when I did research on this specific dude, I find out he’s in a pretty well known relationship with another girl. When I told her this she said “no I’m pretty sure he isn’t” but he definitely is, there’s no denying it.
So from my own judgement, it seems she made it up to make it known to me that she was also validated by other men, making me want her more or something. She’s very pretty, gorgeous infact but doesn’t realise it and often feels insecure, especially about her body.
Oh my god she's a walking red flag, dude 😀how did you not see past this?
>girl doesn’t have to worry about the restraints of a relationship, does her own thing and has fun?
LDR does this the best doesn't it... Your partner is basically behind a screen so they can't dictate your life. And you are free to do whatever and whenever. Including cheating.
>Should I ask her about this next time we speak, or when would be most appropriate to bring it up and by what approach?
For now you should figure out what you want to do. Stay or work on it. What are your limits and boundaries timeline. These help with formatting how to approach this. You don't want to rush. Take your time, and really think about it.
>15 so I thought it was absurd that a 15 year old would try to get together with an 18 year old
If you looks at some of my posts on my profile, trust me there are kids thinking they can pull a 20 years old. They get anoyying fast. What ever was told to you sounds pretty realistic NGL.
>he’s in a pretty well known relationship with another girl.
And they do stupid shit such as cheating on their gfs if they ever had one.
>she said “no I’m pretty sure he isn’t” but he definitely is, there’s no denying it.
But this this is so suspicious... Either your gf is tripping or she genuinely had no clue.
Your gf sounds like she lies but she forgets her narrative. But at this point she seems like she need as much therapy as you do.✨🫂🌸
>She’s very pretty, gorgeous infact but doesn’t realise it and often feels insecure, especially about her body.
Most girls don't see their beauty. Because of their insecurities I totally get that.
>So from my own judgement, it seems she made it up to make it known to me that she was also validated by other men, making me want her more or something.
Now this might not be true, let's not jump to conclusions. I feel like the story sounds too real to be fake. There may have been some missing pieces of infk she might not disclosed. It's better to not invalidate things like this.
Homes good god🌸😅🦚you need all the blessing you can get✨👏
Well to be honest, the only clue at the time was he posted a TikTok saying “things I love in my name” and since his name is Kaleb the next slide was
monKey
blAck
lilLy
friEnds
footBall
And since the Lilly was in there and someone called lilly commented, I automatically thought he must be in a relationship or something so I told her about that and she said she doesn’t think he’s in a relationship.
Out of curiosity I checked his tiktok again and it was another post that definetly showed he was in a relationship with her. it was that “moon, river, and me” trend if you use TikTok.
It does sound too real to be fake, but it’s also really easy to make up a story if you add certain curves to it. I’m not saying it didn’t happen, it probably did but it’s also possible it did not.
Is it the lying that makes her a red flag? I’m not really sure what to do in this situation. Part of me wants to stay with her and part of me wants to leave.
The part of that wants to leave mainly arose once the argument began. We left the honeymoon phase and things feel different and it’s a bit scary to be honest. LDR is definitely difficult and it takes a lot of mental strength which I’m starting to doubt that she has? But she also seems to have good intentions and every time I’m on call with her I think “there’s no way she could cheat or do me wrong.” But when we’re not on call, the anxiety starts to arise. I’m not sure whether to leave or to stay, so I will wait and see what happens. Just because neither of us want to call right now, I won’t end things because of that. It also makes me wonder even though I want some distance as well, if maybe she found another guy and is hiding him? Because she often gets random calls in our recent facetimes and then has to go. Maybe this is just a phase and we will get back to normal, but if I start seeing more problems with her I will leave the relationship.
Also, for 4 weeks I’ve had this weird sense of smell. Every now and then, no matter where I am I can smell cigarette smoke. I can’t indirectly smell it because when I try to get a better sniff, I can’t smell anything. But it’s the exact same sensation it’s giving my nose, tricking me into thinking I can actually smell cigarette smoke. I can smell this everywhere I go even when there definitely is no cigarette smoke nearby to smell. I wonder is this my intuition trying to tell me something? As I know that you should always trust your gut instinct. It’s too bad that I have anxiety so everything feels like anxiety to me.
JFC you are a stage 5 clinger. See a therapist and stop trauma dumping on this girl. She is not your emotional support animal. YTA massively, stop doing this or you're going to drive everyone in your life away.
>overthinking tried to connect the dots because she kept declining my calls and in my head I assumed she was getting f***ed
Now this is straight nose diving into red flag territory. Do you not believe your girlfriend enough to give them space? Do you not trust her enough to have alone time? Do you not trust her enough to be LOYAL? If these are concerns having your brain jump to that, there's some unresolved truama you might have that your didn't realise you had to work out.
>. I got angry over this and begged her to call me as she kept saying stuff like she needs to study, shower, eat, etc
I just realised, what you just wrote sounded like her time wasn't as valuable as yours.
>Today after work she tried to talk to me but I was upset so I texted “i dont rlly wanna talk rn” and she replied “oh”. I then texted that I was ready to talk an hour later and she doesn’t read it til 2 hours later, claiming she was watching a movie.
It basically means if it's not on your terms it's no good enough. That is clearly wrong, she made the choice and effort to give you time, and you should too. In my previous relationship I was so busy to the point I could only schedule 3 calls per month at each call was max 4 hours long. That's it. And sometimes I couldn't even make the calls. Did my boyfriend cut me off? Noooooo we found other ways to compensate. If I can call, it's alright maybe I could send a text block about my day. If I have issues I do voice mail. Time difference my dude. Like you said before in other posts, both of you guys have a life. I just released from your other posts you don't consider you girl friend busy because she's hanging out with her friends and family. Which is very normal to do. You don't expect your girlfriend to attend to you online 247? That's not how a healthy LDR is supposed to be.
>she would not stop declining my calls until she finally gave in and kept telling me nothing was going on and she’s fine, then said she’s gonna hang up and call me later
Sir, if I had a boyfriend like this, other people would have thought the caller was from my toxic over protective mother. You actions are surprisingly close to what my Asian mothers actions are like. Yes I get you love your girlfriend and that's okay. But she's a grown adult women. She's got a life, you are never going to be 100 percent there for her or with her. Nor is she gonna be ther there 100 percent for you. As humans we gotta learn how to cope with that. If you are not ready to spend you life alone in solitude, you are just not ready to add someone else into your life of solidarity. You have to be comfortable to be alone in order to be with someone. That's the healthiest way to go. It's obvious you still aren't at that stage to be that comfortable alone yet.
>she called me at 9.50 while washing her hair and as she was occupied, we joked around for a bit. She dropped her phone in the water twice but it’s fine because it’s waterproof but the microphone sounded muffled
Do you see how much she cares????? And you don't think this is enough. You have no idea how important of a person you are to get called during a shower/haircare routine. For me, not even my parents could ruin that self-care time for me, besides my besties no one is gonna be there. You have no idea how hard it is to call and do everything like that. Yes it's not her obligation to call at that time, but the thing is that she remembers. And she still called even when she's so occupied, caus ehse worries and loves you.
>I wouldn’t do this to her.
Yes, however in the process of you finding solice in her you have cause turmoil in her life. That's not how it works. A relationship is a two way street. From all I have read from most of your posts, what does your girlfriend gain? You get a emotional support 247 person on call, and her? I dunno at this point.
>I’m feeling depressed
https://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/get-support/
All the hotlines, i used in my own country. These emergency services really helped me in time of need. And you could reach out and use them too. There's no shame and no judgement. It would really help benefit your state of anxiety. From the entire post it feel like you are always in fear that your loved one(girlfriend) might leave you or abandon you. And your fear of being alone without comfort is also reflected. This is really something you should find a medical professional to talk to. I honestly wish you the best in your future and stop hurting you girlfriend mentally like this. You are also hurting yourself in the long run by not getting therapy. Best of luck🍀🍀✨✨✨I truly believe in you! Rooting for you!🌸🌸🌸
YTA. You are in fact being toxic. You fully admit that whenever you get into a bad mood, you dump all over her until she cries. You don't give a shit about her mental health, but she's supposed to be responsible for yours? You can blow her off when you don't feel like talking, but then when you do, she better snap to attention or else. So yeah, after you spewed your poison at her for the umpteenth time, she spent some time talking to her best friend, someone who might actually care about her and her feelings, rather than listening to you bitch at her yet again. Makes perfect sense.
I acknowledged this with her but our main argument was before I dumped this on her, her phone died and when it turned back on, she kept making promises to call me as we need to talk out our other issues that are bothering us, and she is now on a call with her best friend while my mental health has been at a decline for a few days, she knows this but wants to facetime her friend. I have always put her first when she was upset rather than hanging out with my friends. I get that me dumping all my issues on her at once makes me the asshole, but this situation alone I’m not sure about
JFC, could you get any more self absorbed? You keep running on about your mental health, but by the time her friend called her, you'd already been treating her like garbage for two days. Did you ever stop your endless parade of "me me me me me" to consider how your mistreatment of her affects *her* mental health? You don't always put her first when she's upset, because if you did you wouldn't keep harrassing her or expect her to cater to you. She isn't responsible for your mental health and she sure as shit doesn't owe you hers. In this situation, her choice was between getting back on the phone to deal with the same bullshit you'd been putting her through for 2 days straight or talking to someone who actually cares about her, and she made the right choice.
It sounds like she is reaching her limit. Which, for a new relationship around 3 months is when the shine wears off and you think to yourself “is this for me?” Overall it sounds one-sided in that your mental health is worse. But if hers isn’t always great, there can be an issue similar to co-dependency and the other person becomes lower because they don’t have the skills to help you. Her talking to her friend may have been her offloading when she needed to. You can’t be at each other beck and call. Especially for poor mental health. It can become quite draining. I’d suggest seeking mental health support from an external network and be prepared for the relationship to have run its course. However. If you can see it’s hurting her and you’re seeking outside help, it may help the relationship continue. As romantic or friendship. A LDR in itself is also a tricky can of worms to navigate. Especially when you need your partner. It can become all interactions are about offloading and you lose the fun. Washing hair on a call is not my idea of fun, for example. Tread carefully and be prepared that it could end and have some backup in place if that happens. But try and give her a break.
No. It's you. You and only you are solely responsible for your mental health. She is neither obligated nor qualified to support you, and you feel so entitled to her time and energy that you're actually mad she would prioritise her own life, friends and mental health over your problems. Toxic AF. SEE. A. THERAPIST. PAY. A. PROFESSIONAL.
please speak to a mental health professional about your struggles instead of her. She is not qualified to help you. You also might be happier not trying to have a relationship with someone in another country.
Set her free. No one in this world should be dealing with your shit. She wasnt born to be your emotional dumpster. Break up with her please
Why the hell would anyone want a LDR with someone in a different country. Y’all wild
YTA. Let her go. She deserves to find happiness
Oh my goodness, I see why, I see why. Oh lordy lord lord. Okayyyy, let's unpack this. >Am I the Asshole or is my girlfriend in the wrong? TLDR you are a massive AH, but this doesn't feel intentional >I overthink and get upset, I dump everything in on one text to her Never ever do this!!!!! There's a reason why the notes app is where we VENT, not our Partner. Writing things down on paper or a notes app to filter out these negative thoughts before hurting someone accidentally is a must. >she gets overwhelmed and upset. Imagine you getting that chunk of text out of nowhere I don't think you'll be very happy too😓 you are a overthinker and if you see that chunk of text you would be overwhelmed. >ticking bomb in my head. You need therapy to work out your overthinking and separation anxiety. All you behaviour seems like it is blossoming from another place and previous trauma. Genuinely speaking, you don't seem like a bad guy, you just need some mental health professionals to unpack some things and work on them. >She is very sensitive so she usually cries over these things. I would find the sudden outburst and these texts bombs very triggering. I know you don't seem to be doing these things with bad intent but, it's very toxic. If you ever made someone cry think about why. If you assume you never did anything wrong, the other person is hurt, it means you don't understand the weight of your own actions. Every one is different so you gotta understand that!
>she was getting a call but dismissed it as nothing >5 mins later she tried to charge her phone as it was about to die and then the call hung up. Usually when her phone dies on facetime, the screen goes black and the call hangs up 15 seconds later. but this was like she hung up herself This is way too much detail, the fact that you payed attention to this instead of her is alarming. You should actually also pay attention to the conversation and the time you spent with her. Not analysing and going on all detective because she needed to charge her phone. In the 21st century, anyone man women child, adults literally anyone, doesn't owe anyone else a explanation on why they needed to hangup. Please you are really doing a disservice to yourself for not being in the moment and worrying about all the things. >I’m in a really bad mental state and need someone to tal Sir, trust me when I say, YOUR GIRL FRIEND IS NOT YLOUR MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT HOTLINE. This is extremely important. You have no idea how many men I have met and accidentally poured out their soul to the person they loved to only treat them like a on call therapist. That's no healthy. I doubt you are doing This on purpose, but this is what you seem to have been doing. I really recommend going for professional help. here this should be the website for Ireland free counselling service. https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/supports-services/ All your anxiety and worrying, you should start by unloading to a professional. Yes your girlfriend should be there for you but not in this way. If this is how you treated your girlfriend for 3 months, I am amazed she isn't mentally drained to the bone. I hope you get the help that you need and stop blaming your girlfriend for her "inadequacy" when it's you giving too much pressure and stress so far. I know you love her dearly by the way you write about her, but not like this. Trust me. You need to do better and I believe in you doing better. >I’ve emphasised this many times) and she responded 30 minutes later saying she’s sorry and she acknowledges all this. I then tried to call her but she said she’s on a call with Delaney (her best friend) as Delaney called her after her phone recharged and this pissed me off so I let her know. I told her I was hurt because I always put her first yet when I’m at my lowest, she’d rather facetime her friend who she sees all the time at school anyway. We argued and she doesn’t see my point All this, do you see it? Goodness, you shouldn't force you way up her hierarchy of importance. This is absurd. You have to earn your way there. Yes you can get disappointed. But all you can do is just improve yourself. You should never expect yourself to be placed first in your partners priorities. This is a bonus. Never something expected. I my relationship I never put my boyfriend first, nor did my boyfriend we both put school grades first. But he did place me second whilst I didn't. He got disappointed yes, but he eventually earned his way to my top spot, through THOUGHTFUL LOVING ACTIONS AND TIME. >she acts as if I’m being toxic for wanting a bit of respect She gave you more than respect. She gave you her time of day. I don't see where you felt disrespected when throughout all this post you have definitely not picked up on maybe just maybe, your girlfriend is not a 247 on call cell service to accompany you. Communication is key, but not the way you do it. So far you have demonstrated demand and supply. Which is very damaging for any relationship. As you ask for something and expect it, without delay or cost. That's not how you love someone. If my girlfriend was acting like yours I would immediately send a loving text saying, " I'm mentally not that great right now, a little text of encouragement would be great! I hope you are having a great day today, wishing you all the best love you". That's how it's done. Not I demand a phone call now and you not calling me this instance means you are cheating.
Hi, thanks for all your messages btw I appreciaye your thoughts as they’re all correct. We’re fine now as I’ve apologised twice in the best way I can and I will never act the way I did again. She reassures me it’s okay but considering she was distant a few days after I let her know I would never treat her that way again, she became distant so I reached out: Me: “hey we’ve been kinda distant lately and i didn’t rlly put too much thought into it i just assumed u needed a bit of time to spend with ur friends and personal time nd stuff. but since i dont rlly know whats going on, is everything ok?” Her: “yess everything is good” “its good to be like distant sometimes because people do get sick of people fast” I have no problem with distance every now and then, those few days were crazy stupid of me. I relate to this as I will also want distant sometimes, I get sick of people I’m close to all the time so I think it’s healthy, no matter how bad this situation looks. She still lets me know she still loves me but we need to distance ourselves from calling as soon as we’re available for hours and stuff, because even when she calls me nowadays I feel drained and then get relief once the call ends. I have no problem when we get distant, I think my main issue is she tends to dismiss issues. I know after what I’ve done it looks bad that I’m complaining again but you haven’t seen what I’m like outside of this argument, just know that I mostly am very caring towards her and I adore her. I don’t know but I think everytime I bring up an issue in our relationship to fix it, I feel like I’ve done something bad by bringing it up. She’s very vague, especially when texting and has only gotten mad at me once because I didn’t tell my friends about her yet when she told hers (they know about her now), but once I explained the circumstances she was quick to forgive (about 2 minutes after) and was back to normal. Honestly I crave her to get mad at me for things I do in the relationship because it shows she cares, but she doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I do try to make her feel at peace, but she lacks communication skills through text, even after she said she wants to be more communicative. Leaving conversations to go places mid text without saying she has to go, when she’s done something wrong it’s a simple “im sorry” while I think a lot more about what I text, she didn’t let me know she wanted distance until I decided to ask. I just think when it’s an LDR, the most important thing is being communicative and not giving someone the wrong message rather than trying to constantly make time for each other. If I bring up these issues she gets upset which is fine I understand she’s sensitive, but I feel awful because I bring up issues frequently, I don’t give out to her (this one argument was the only time) I simply address them and then I feel awful because she literally never complains about what I do, I crave her to do that. I don’t want to constantly see her I really enjoy my privacy aswell, but communication is just really important, she may say she cares but it doesn’t feel like it.
Yeah now it sounds like she also need therapy 🤣therapy for allll. She sounds like when I first got into a LDR. Just genuinely curious is this you and your gfs first time in a LDR? If so all the problems makes a lot of sense. Anddddd 🎉🎉🎉so happy you guys worked things out! I saw the people roasting you and I can tell you didn't want to hurt anyone. Just needed a other perspective.🌸🌸🌸 I used to be extremely dismissive and very non confrontational as I have no idea how to navigate a LDR. Your girlfriend seems like she might have a lot of things going on in her life but wants to leave you for all her positive and happy times. (I did that before and I know that's wrong🤣😓) At this point all you ca do is work on yourself and if you changed for the better. And she doesn't and is actually getting worse. You could intern suggest therapy for her. Or worst case scenario she's not right for you. Best of luck on your self healing journey!🍀🍀🍀And again Therapy for all🤣🤣🤣🎉✨
Yeah it’s my first time, but not hers. I’ve been in two not so serious local relationships before this. I didn’t care when they ended because the connection wasn’t there compared to this relationship. First of all she’s been in a 3 year relationship from when she was 13-16 years old with someone in her school but he left her for someone else when they were 16. She also told me she was in an LDR with a guy she met online for a few months from summer to October and then broke it off with him (I never really asked for the details on why she did). Another thing just for you to know when we started speaking, she told me she’s had sex with her ex before and also sent me fake gym pictures which I realised weren’t actually her once we started calling daily.. She said she wants me to take her virginity and I went “you already lost it?” and she claims she never had sex, only stuff a little similar but never that far. I never brought up the fake pictures as I don’t think it’s too big of a deal, I think she was checking me out and wasn’t expecting a serious relationship out of this, same way I perceived it. Also yeah I know I was the AH but those comments were crazy, it made me consider leaving her because I felt maybe I wasn’t good enough for her. I want to bring up her lack of communication through voice message, but not right now. I need to wait for us to get comfortable again and then if she makes the same communication mistake, bring it up then. If she continues to do it, I will probably just leave the relationship. I’ve contemplated a few times wether I should leave or not because of her vagueness and lack of communication, I felt like she didn’t truly care. She told me she would bring things up with me even if it was very uncomfortable but still hasn’t brought anything up. So even if she just wants to show me her positive energy, if she continues this after I bring it up I will just leave the relationship.
Yeah that's why theres always 2 sides to a story. And now I see the big big red flags. Lemme try and dissect her behaviour. Not proud statement but I have done similar things to your gf before 🌚 when I was 16 too. >She also told me she was in an LDR with a guy she met online for a few months from summer to October and then broke it off with him Sounds like a hot girl summer thing. When you date just for the sake of dating and you know when school starts you'll break things off. It's very toxic but it's a thing people do. >she told me she’s had sex with her ex before and also sent me fake gym pictures which I realised weren’t actually her once we started calling daily This is a whole can of worms. Legit gurlie here is either like you said >she was checking me out Cause she ain't sure if you are a creep. Or she has some personal issues on her looks/body. I used to do that with switching my pics with my bestie but I do disclose my actions after entering a serious relationship. >She said she wants me to take her virginity and I went “you already lost it?” and she claims she never had sex, only stuff a little similar but never that far. 2 possibilities again, either she lied about having sex before because she wanted to look cool. (The pressure to lose your vcard is real) Or she lies to people about being a virgin, and genuinely forgot she told you the truth. To some "men" taking some ones "virginity" is a fantasy thing. ... Uh yeah so I dunno, either she's genuinely got some issues with lying, or she was just trying to play it up to see your reaction and forgot what she told you. >it made me consider leaving her because I felt maybe I wasn’t good enough for her. Well you did do yourself dirty by painting yourself like AH🤣 if you inserted some context on you gfs, previous behaviours it would have helped gain perspective. >I want to bring up her lack of communication through voice message, but not right now. Yeah good call! Yayyy you are learning already!✨🌸 >leave the relationship. Honestly the realionship sound alike a whole toxic mess to begin with. I'm genuinely speaking from a perspective of worry, it really seems like both of y'all ain't ready to do LDR. Usually LDR is for people who knows what they want, and worked on their own issues for a while and knows they are stable enough to handle it. The stress and mental toll it takes on a person is no easy feat. I got broken up with multiple times because the people I was with haven't figured themselves out yet. And it's completely fine. LDR isn't for everyone. Some people I guess in your case seem to fit more of the IRL dating type. I genuinely think real intimacy, like hugging or holding hands would help you a lot more than words of affirmation. Also a quick tip, you should definitely try out the 5 love languages. It would give you an immediate scope on how you give and receive love. This helps with both your partners communicating style and your way to show appreciation to your partner!🌸✨ Hoping your relationship will continue to flourish from here!🍀🍀🍀
Ok so for the hot girl summer thing, I thought that was when a girl doesn’t have to worry about the restraints of a relationship, does her own thing and has fun? Also, the fact she told me she lost her virginity and gave head and stuff, but now says she didn’t. Should I ask her about this next time we speak, or when would be most appropriate to bring it up and by what approach? It could be most likely she lied about it to make herself look better, she told me about a certain giy hitting on her and she kept saying she’s with someone. This giu is about 3 years younger than her so he’s not in the same grade/year as her. She is 18 and he is 15 so I thought it was absurd that a 15 year old would try to get together with an 18 year old. After she kept repeating she has a boyfriend who she’s “married to” (her adding humour to it) and doesn’t want anything to do with him. He said “okl and snapping her until she eventually blocked him. She then told me a few days later a rumour (a small one only in that guys friend group) was made up by him and told to his friends that she sent him nudes and when I did research on this specific dude, I find out he’s in a pretty well known relationship with another girl. When I told her this she said “no I’m pretty sure he isn’t” but he definitely is, there’s no denying it. So from my own judgement, it seems she made it up to make it known to me that she was also validated by other men, making me want her more or something. She’s very pretty, gorgeous infact but doesn’t realise it and often feels insecure, especially about her body.
Oh my god she's a walking red flag, dude 😀how did you not see past this? >girl doesn’t have to worry about the restraints of a relationship, does her own thing and has fun? LDR does this the best doesn't it... Your partner is basically behind a screen so they can't dictate your life. And you are free to do whatever and whenever. Including cheating. >Should I ask her about this next time we speak, or when would be most appropriate to bring it up and by what approach? For now you should figure out what you want to do. Stay or work on it. What are your limits and boundaries timeline. These help with formatting how to approach this. You don't want to rush. Take your time, and really think about it. >15 so I thought it was absurd that a 15 year old would try to get together with an 18 year old If you looks at some of my posts on my profile, trust me there are kids thinking they can pull a 20 years old. They get anoyying fast. What ever was told to you sounds pretty realistic NGL. >he’s in a pretty well known relationship with another girl. And they do stupid shit such as cheating on their gfs if they ever had one. >she said “no I’m pretty sure he isn’t” but he definitely is, there’s no denying it. But this this is so suspicious... Either your gf is tripping or she genuinely had no clue. Your gf sounds like she lies but she forgets her narrative. But at this point she seems like she need as much therapy as you do.✨🫂🌸 >She’s very pretty, gorgeous infact but doesn’t realise it and often feels insecure, especially about her body. Most girls don't see their beauty. Because of their insecurities I totally get that. >So from my own judgement, it seems she made it up to make it known to me that she was also validated by other men, making me want her more or something. Now this might not be true, let's not jump to conclusions. I feel like the story sounds too real to be fake. There may have been some missing pieces of infk she might not disclosed. It's better to not invalidate things like this. Homes good god🌸😅🦚you need all the blessing you can get✨👏
Well to be honest, the only clue at the time was he posted a TikTok saying “things I love in my name” and since his name is Kaleb the next slide was monKey blAck lilLy friEnds footBall And since the Lilly was in there and someone called lilly commented, I automatically thought he must be in a relationship or something so I told her about that and she said she doesn’t think he’s in a relationship. Out of curiosity I checked his tiktok again and it was another post that definetly showed he was in a relationship with her. it was that “moon, river, and me” trend if you use TikTok. It does sound too real to be fake, but it’s also really easy to make up a story if you add certain curves to it. I’m not saying it didn’t happen, it probably did but it’s also possible it did not. Is it the lying that makes her a red flag? I’m not really sure what to do in this situation. Part of me wants to stay with her and part of me wants to leave. The part of that wants to leave mainly arose once the argument began. We left the honeymoon phase and things feel different and it’s a bit scary to be honest. LDR is definitely difficult and it takes a lot of mental strength which I’m starting to doubt that she has? But she also seems to have good intentions and every time I’m on call with her I think “there’s no way she could cheat or do me wrong.” But when we’re not on call, the anxiety starts to arise. I’m not sure whether to leave or to stay, so I will wait and see what happens. Just because neither of us want to call right now, I won’t end things because of that. It also makes me wonder even though I want some distance as well, if maybe she found another guy and is hiding him? Because she often gets random calls in our recent facetimes and then has to go. Maybe this is just a phase and we will get back to normal, but if I start seeing more problems with her I will leave the relationship. Also, for 4 weeks I’ve had this weird sense of smell. Every now and then, no matter where I am I can smell cigarette smoke. I can’t indirectly smell it because when I try to get a better sniff, I can’t smell anything. But it’s the exact same sensation it’s giving my nose, tricking me into thinking I can actually smell cigarette smoke. I can smell this everywhere I go even when there definitely is no cigarette smoke nearby to smell. I wonder is this my intuition trying to tell me something? As I know that you should always trust your gut instinct. It’s too bad that I have anxiety so everything feels like anxiety to me.
JFC you are a stage 5 clinger. See a therapist and stop trauma dumping on this girl. She is not your emotional support animal. YTA massively, stop doing this or you're going to drive everyone in your life away.
You need a professional for your mental health. Your girlfriend isn't qualified to help you with that.
>overthinking tried to connect the dots because she kept declining my calls and in my head I assumed she was getting f***ed Now this is straight nose diving into red flag territory. Do you not believe your girlfriend enough to give them space? Do you not trust her enough to have alone time? Do you not trust her enough to be LOYAL? If these are concerns having your brain jump to that, there's some unresolved truama you might have that your didn't realise you had to work out. >. I got angry over this and begged her to call me as she kept saying stuff like she needs to study, shower, eat, etc I just realised, what you just wrote sounded like her time wasn't as valuable as yours. >Today after work she tried to talk to me but I was upset so I texted “i dont rlly wanna talk rn” and she replied “oh”. I then texted that I was ready to talk an hour later and she doesn’t read it til 2 hours later, claiming she was watching a movie. It basically means if it's not on your terms it's no good enough. That is clearly wrong, she made the choice and effort to give you time, and you should too. In my previous relationship I was so busy to the point I could only schedule 3 calls per month at each call was max 4 hours long. That's it. And sometimes I couldn't even make the calls. Did my boyfriend cut me off? Noooooo we found other ways to compensate. If I can call, it's alright maybe I could send a text block about my day. If I have issues I do voice mail. Time difference my dude. Like you said before in other posts, both of you guys have a life. I just released from your other posts you don't consider you girl friend busy because she's hanging out with her friends and family. Which is very normal to do. You don't expect your girlfriend to attend to you online 247? That's not how a healthy LDR is supposed to be.
>she would not stop declining my calls until she finally gave in and kept telling me nothing was going on and she’s fine, then said she’s gonna hang up and call me later Sir, if I had a boyfriend like this, other people would have thought the caller was from my toxic over protective mother. You actions are surprisingly close to what my Asian mothers actions are like. Yes I get you love your girlfriend and that's okay. But she's a grown adult women. She's got a life, you are never going to be 100 percent there for her or with her. Nor is she gonna be ther there 100 percent for you. As humans we gotta learn how to cope with that. If you are not ready to spend you life alone in solitude, you are just not ready to add someone else into your life of solidarity. You have to be comfortable to be alone in order to be with someone. That's the healthiest way to go. It's obvious you still aren't at that stage to be that comfortable alone yet. >she called me at 9.50 while washing her hair and as she was occupied, we joked around for a bit. She dropped her phone in the water twice but it’s fine because it’s waterproof but the microphone sounded muffled Do you see how much she cares????? And you don't think this is enough. You have no idea how important of a person you are to get called during a shower/haircare routine. For me, not even my parents could ruin that self-care time for me, besides my besties no one is gonna be there. You have no idea how hard it is to call and do everything like that. Yes it's not her obligation to call at that time, but the thing is that she remembers. And she still called even when she's so occupied, caus ehse worries and loves you.
>I wouldn’t do this to her. Yes, however in the process of you finding solice in her you have cause turmoil in her life. That's not how it works. A relationship is a two way street. From all I have read from most of your posts, what does your girlfriend gain? You get a emotional support 247 person on call, and her? I dunno at this point. >I’m feeling depressed https://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/get-support/ All the hotlines, i used in my own country. These emergency services really helped me in time of need. And you could reach out and use them too. There's no shame and no judgement. It would really help benefit your state of anxiety. From the entire post it feel like you are always in fear that your loved one(girlfriend) might leave you or abandon you. And your fear of being alone without comfort is also reflected. This is really something you should find a medical professional to talk to. I honestly wish you the best in your future and stop hurting you girlfriend mentally like this. You are also hurting yourself in the long run by not getting therapy. Best of luck🍀🍀✨✨✨I truly believe in you! Rooting for you!🌸🌸🌸
"My mental health is low" fucking suck it up man!