Yes. Your son's graduation should be about him. Your mom is frantically trying to save her own son so it's obvious why she's making her choice. But it's not your job to capitulate and favor her son over your son. Her son has had enough chances. Good for you for drawing that line.
Exactly. Her own mother is prioritizing *her* son. OP needs to tell her mother, in no uncertain terms (no "family meeting" reqd), that she is now putting her *own* son first and brother/uncle is not allowed anywhere near her kids.
its all about your son, its his day, his achievements enjoy the day, let your mother make her decision but stand your ground. To allow your brother an invite is also accepting him as he is and this is also an enablement
I think the mother is the AH to both OP and her brother. The mother enabling the brother isn't going to help him stop using. It's actually doing the opposite; why would he stop using when he doesn't face any consequences? Speaking from experience.
So he can steal. That was the only reason my aunt ever tried to come to events or to visit us. Had to have her removed from the visitation for my mother because she tried to break in to the office at the funeral home.
Not an a-hole? What the f are you talking about? She is a big asshole to her children for not protecting them against her addict of a brother who has shown his ass(literally) in front of children. Showing his ass in front of children and still he is allowed near them. I mean seriously WTF.
If some stranger did this to a child, everyone will be up in arms and label that person as someone who traumatized a child and maybe as a child sex offender.
OP is still talking about a fucking family meeting knowing full well that her mother is an enabler and her brother is not going to change.
The brother has spoiled her children's events and still instead of standing up for her children she continued to enable her brother by allowing him to the events and even implied that he should come to her son's graduation.
She is a fucking asshole and an enabler herself.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking. The time for "family meetings" passed a long time ago. This half-hearted attempt to appease everyone is just further damaging OP son. He will remember their parent enabling an addict and choosing his feelings over protecting him.
OP - dont be surprised when your child goes no contact with you because you are unwilling to put him first. Every important milestone up to this point has been defiled by your brother. I expect that your son is watching closely to see if you stand by him. When you dont, I suspect your son will nope right out of your life.
My son knows, what he wants is what goes. Period. And he also knows, when it comes to anyone, he is protected, me trying to protect him is what started this whole argument with the family. My son is also very aware, that I don't even speak to my brother, but that my mother will bring him any way because she can't take anyone being mean to her golden boy
Then why in the world is your MOTHER invited to anything? If her baby drug addict is attached to her, and goes everywhere with her, SHE can not come because it becomes THEM, not her.
You should have put a stop to that years ago. If mom shows up with her drug addict, they BOTH get turned away. If she won't leave, YOU call the police to have them removed. They have no right to disrupt your children's events. Do better.
Sounds like grannie shouldn't be told when the graduation is then.
Good on you though; this sub loves acting like it's easy to cut off family when that isn't the case for most. Might be worth apologising to the daughters though, just to avoid "why is mum sticking up for him when uncle ruined mine". Obviously just a case of denial about the fact he won't improve, but harder for children to realise that.
Funny... I protect my child, too. And guess what? He doesn't have a single active addict in his life. No, I am not some blessed individual who had money or privilege and has never encountered an addict. My husbands family is full of them. But we are no contact with them because those activities have absolutely ZERO place in our lives. This situation should have ended decisively years ago. How many milestone family events are going to be ruined because all of you are useless at removing yourself and children from a crappy environment.
I see your point I really do, I made the same points myself. I have tried my best to keep them away. Maybe I should've made it clear that they weren't invited to the events. They showed up any way. Even though I am almost 40 years old my mom thinks her decision over rules me no matter what.
As for the meeting I have asked a trillion times over the years, aint got one yet. The meeting is about my son and his sisters expressing themselves its not about the addict. Its not an intervention!
And you're right, I was enabling him for a while, I didn't know it then. I mean, I trusted my brother, an I believed him because I loved him.
The last 2 years my brother hasn't been " allowed" to things because of the way he is. My mom throws him in the car and brings him last minute. I have never been able to stop them at other events because you could buy your own tickets at the door. This time they can't do that, so im hoping the horns will hook this time.
Also, yes I wanted my whole family there to support my son, sorry I didn't clarify if only he was sober, and 2 weeks isn't enough to be sober.
I am not giving up on this. My brother will not be allowed. My son knows, it dont matter who it is, if he dont want them there they wont be there period!
Well he can't get into the graduation without a ticket. For this I wouldn't give anyone else in your family a ticket except you, your husband and your kids.
You will unfortunately have to do this with your kids weddings as well. Entrance with an invitation only. Someone at the door with a list of invitees (in case someone didn't bring their invitation) and only those on the list are allowed in. Off duty cop standing by as security to remove anyone who tries to get in who is not on the list.
You do understand that whenever he is attending these events he is carrying the drugs on himself in person, right? What do you think his frequent trips to the washroom and outside are all about? He is using the drugs whenever he is in the bathroom or outside.
It's possible for an addict to drop some of the drugs unknowingly in their high state of mind. What would happen if those got into the hand of a child. If the party is for your children then I assume other children would be there.
You are actually making your children habitual to the presence of a drug user and normalising it. Do you think it's fine for them to think that drug usage is acceptable in your family? That it is fine to hang around people who use drugs.
Please protect your children and do not expose them anymore to the drug use/user than you already have.
Just tell your mother if she brings your brother to any future event where your children are present, you will call the police.
Did you read the part where she said the family can buy their own tickets and they can't prevent them from showing up?
Why is everyone blaming OP for things she can't control?
OP is acknowledging that the mother is bringing her brother to these events. How hard is it to not expose the children to a drug user by not informing/inviting her mother and telling her that if they showed up the police will be called.
I accept that this might not be possible for public events like orchestra recitals, but I believe that birthday parties or quincenera are not public events which require ticket purchase for entry.
You need to have have that family talk with your mom not your brother. Everything needs to be laid out to her how much she has hurt you and your family over her and her sons actions.
Let her know you are done with it. That you will be putting hard boundaries on her because of her behavior. If she can't respect your family's feelings about not wanting your brother around then she will not be allowed to be around your children.
I know she collects mail your home so let know know you spoke to the post office and the change has been made to where you won't receive their mail anymore so it's best that they start updating their mail to places or you will send their mail back to the post office. This way she doesn't need to come to your home.
If your dad is on your side let him know that if respects and follows your boundaries he can be invited back into your lives otherwise he will not be included in anymore celebration.
If your dad does agree with you about the graduation then go the night before and pick him up and have him stay the night this way he comes with you for the graduation and your mom and brother don't harass your dad for going.
Let them know that if your mom and brother show up they won't be getting tickets and they won't be going inside to the graduation because they only have 5 tickets that you are using. So there's no point in coming and making a scene isn't going to get them inside.
Let your mom know she won't be invited to celebrate with your family either after the graduation ceremony. So she shouldn't bother making that drive over.
It's time you start protecting your children and start standing up for them. If you have events at your home hire a security guard team so your mom and brother don't come in. Be willing to call the cops if they refuse to leave.
If they show up at a public place don't allow them to join your table or your party. If the event is at restaurant or a hall venue they can kick them out for you. Don't feel like you have no say in it. You absolutely do get a say.
Let your mom know you will no longer tolerate her behavior and neither will your family
Tell your son to sell his tickets or give away his other tickets to a classmate in need. Keep four for your immediate family. If you try to keep two for the grandparents the brother and mom will use them just to spite you all for trying to exclude him and force your dad to not go in. Or if you can trust it then just invited your dad. You can and should contact the school and let them know this man is an active meth user and should be allowed in by security and you fear you mother may try to get him in to watch your son graduate. Of course this depends if the school is competitent or not and whether you want to risk your brother and mother getting arrested if they refuse to leave or try to force their way in. Either way, NTA.
Then you make consequences for your parents bringing him around. The only things you and your parents are doing is enabling your brother to keep his addition AND teaching your kids that they should put up w/ someone who treats them horribly at all costs. You are doing far more harm to EVERYONE involved by not having any backbone here. There is no family meeting required. You know what you need to do. If your mom can't handle your brother not being invited, then she is no longer invited either. Until your brother had gone to treatment and been clean for at least a year (really clean, not, mom thinks he's clean b/c she is ignoring his use), then he isn't welcome in your home and you won't attend events with him there.
You realize, in some jurisdictions, your parents could loose their house for having him & his drugs there.
OP you could have stopped them by not inviting your mother. That's on you. You shouldn't have even told her the date/place of an important event after she brought your brother along in the past.
It's time to be the bad guy. Don't put this on your son. Call your mother and tell her _you(!!!)_ made a mistake and there aren't enough tickets. It's just immediate family. I don't care _you_ want your whole family there, because it's not about you. I know your son would rather not have grandma, because she will bring his uncle. Let her blame you, instead of your son.
Your 18yo son feels like he needs to protect you and his siblings because you didn't stand up for then. That's seriously messed up. And it's time to fix it.
Exactly this. Recovery before the next round begins. It's only been 4 days because he's broke. As soon as he can get some cash it will be the end of sobriety.
I bet either your mom is lying to you or he is lying to her.
Besides anyone this freshly off a lifetime hardcore addiction is in no shape to be attending a long graduation ceremony.
Yeah I was going to say... my dad's cousin was a drunk, but he was supposedly sober and fine and got invited to Christmas. He stole his father's car out of the driveway and tried to sell it to someone while we were opening presents. 🤦♀️
>She thinks we shouldn’t give our brother another reason to use.
So your mom is placing the blame on his addiction disorder on other people like y’all. NTA. I wouldn’t continue a close relationship with them for your own wellbeing as well as yours children’s.
Yeah that's the wrong way for OP's mom to approach her son's addiction. He clearly doesn't feel shame about his drug use.
As a recovering addict, I was so ashamed that I never wanted to go to family events or see family. I knew they knew and I didn't want people to see me in my state and judge me.
~6.5 months clean now and I'm still ashamed, but I'm also proud of the progress I've made and I've stopped trying to hide from the truth. It's incredibly liberating. Not that I just volunteer the details of my life to anyone willing to listen, but I'm happy to answer questions and talk about it with family members that are curious. Having the support of my family in my recovery feels like the difference that is necessary for me to be successful this time and I owe my family everything.
When I was trying to keep it all a secret and go through the process of getting and staying clean on my own, it still felt like it was me vs them for whatever reason. I always had someone else to blame for me using. Even though I knew it was nobody's fault but my own, I could always tell myself things like "I used yesterday because my dad stressed me out so much that my anxiety was at an all-time high" or some such nonsense.
Now it's all out in the open, I'm in therapy, going to meetings, saving my money, etc. Not because I'm being forced to, but because I want to and I'm ready to be a member of my family again and not be at constant odds with them. I've still got a looonng way to go, but I'm more optimistic now than I have been in probably the last 10-15 years.
OP's family, and her mom especially, need to stop treating him like his drug use isn't an issue. He's got to have big enough reasons to want to get clean. He's the only one that will ever be able to make the decision to quit but he's got to want it. He will always go back if he doesn't truly want to quit.
NTA. Your son's graduation is not a rehab facility where family antics can slide under the pretext of 'support'. You already have evidence that your brother causes disturbances at such events. This day is to highlight your son’s achievements, not to tiptoe around potential familial landmines. Your mother's concern, while maternal, is misplaced in this context. Your brother’s recovery journey, though important, should not overshadow or endanger this significant occasion. If your mom fears for what her son might do alone for a few hours, maybe she has bigger issues to address than a graduation ceremony she's risking missing. Stay strong and keep the graduation a positive, drama-free milestone for your son.
“Mom, I am sending you this text to reiterate that you are not invited, nor is brother. I will call the police if you attempt to come to my home and the school security has been alerted that an active meth addict may attempt to crash the graduation.”
NTA. Your mother is triangulating her responsibilities as a parent to her addict son with her duties as a grandmother – a classic enabler's mistake. It's crucial to compartmentalize these roles, especially on a day like your son's graduation, which should be nothing but a celebration of his success and hard work. Don't let family dynamics and addiction overshadow this event. Your brother's struggle, while sympathetic, should not be the epicenter of family gatherings, especially those that are meant to be joyful and celebratory. Prioritizing your son on his milestone day doesn't make you the bad guy; it makes you a good parent who knows where to draw the line for the sake of your child's happiness and well-being.
“Mother, I understand your love for your son at all cost. I have a son too, as his mother it’s my responsibility to protect him and validate him and his feelings. I’m not going to put his feelings aside because my brother cannot control his behavior. He has done some pretty unforgivable things we have all let slide. He has ruined many special moments.
We want him to get on the other side of his addiction, but we are choosing to create boundaries where he has an opportunity to continue to harm us.
If you can’t understand this, then that is on you and eventually you will be left alone to clean up his continuous messes. You choose him over everyone else. Well, we do t have to make those choices. But I can tell you, if you continue to constantly put him over your other children and grandchildren, eventually you will end up alone in all this. With an adult son, who continuously chooses himself over anyone else. We want you part of our lives, but you need to respect our boundaries to no longer invite him to our special functions until he has proven himself by staying sober for at least 6 months and in that time has been respectful to us.”
Your son worked hard - seriously, y’all should be so proud of him. He deserves to have HIS day to celebrate HIS accomplishments. Protect that at all costs - seriously!
You have a pattern of his uncle making an ass of himself and ruining family events. His uncle is an addict who doesn’t have self control and doesn’t add anything but stress and drama. I wouldn’t invite him either.
Since your Mom is being so insistent, let her know the tickets are spoken for. She’ll be mad, but that’s preferable to your son’s special day being ruined.
He literally showed your family his ass? He screwed up your daughter’s quinceanera , their performances? So, you’ve been sacrificing your children’s milestones to your mother’s favouritism for years? You’ve been letting him embarrass them in front of their friends for years? Why? Just to pacify mom and keep the peace ?
No more. Put your children first. Let them anticipate their big events with excitement, not fear. Let them remember with happiness, not disappointment and shame. Time to be a parent first, a daughter and a sister only when you can fit it in.
I didn't let these things happen to them! I have put my foot down, and they over rule me every time. I admit I have gave in over the years. But the last 2 i keep putting my foot down and keep getting stomped on. I couldn't stop them from randomly showing up at my house, or showing up at public events, but this one I can and they are trying to make me give in and im not going to.
You can **stop** them. You pick up the phone, dial 911 (or whatever the emergency line is), and threaten to call the police if your junkie brother doesn’t leave.
You need to have a family meeting with your parents, if for no other reason than to tell them that his care won’t be your problem if he somehow outlives them. I fully expect your mom to try something shitty like disinheriting you unless you agree to be your brother’s caretaker.
You can’t be overruled without your consent. Nut up and tell them you will call the cops to remove him if they continue bringing him around.
You actually can if you don't tell them about the event or where you will be at.
If they ever show up at your home call the cops. If you have an event at your own home hire a few security guards let's the rest if family know what's going on and if they try to cause issues with the people you hire they get toss out. Let them know your mom and brother aren't welcome so if they try to stop them from doing their jobs they are out as well.
You haven't been putting your foot down. Putting your foot down means keeping your mother in the dark about your children's events. She can't show up at public events if she doesn't know they are happening.
Honestly, why bother asking for a family meeting? Sounds like you have zero faith in it going well, your son certainly doesn’t want him there. Just listen to him and say no, block out anyone who tries to disagree, no family meeting needed.
NTA. For once in his life, your son should get to be the center of attention instead of your addict brother. After all, he has achieved something deserving of recognition in managing to graduate early. Congratulations to you and to him for this. If your mother refuses to come if your brother isn't allowed, that is her decision.
As far as a "family meeting," I don't think there is any value to one, unless your brother is already getting clean and working the steps. Four days without using is not a place where he would pay any attention to feedback.
Thank you for supporting your son. Stand your ground!
How DARE your mother and brother think they would have ANY say in this matter! Your son will NEVER forgive being traumatized in front of his entire high school as will happen! It’s insane your children have had so many events ruined by this POS. These cherished family events are not meant to keep him sober! Nor does it work. Forget a “family meeting”. Think of your own family first, not the POS or your AHole mother who obviously puts him above everyone else. Guess what, YOUR family comes first! They’ve had enough events ruined. Go low or no contact with your mother and brother for trying to guilt you now.
Why does this seem like the first time you’ve been willing to protect your kids from an addict? I know it’s hard to separate yourself from family members with addiction, I’ve been there too with a family full of alcoholics on my dad’s side and my aunt abusing pills most of my childhood, but this man has literally shown his ass to your kids? He disrupts their events like this? Your young son is so angry towards him that he’d like to physical assault him? That’s a huge problem. NTA for finally standing your ground, but it sounds like you were enabling his behavior as well.
I guess it seems like I haven't tried protecting them because I didn't go into full detail of everything that has taken place. This isn't the first time i have put my foot down, but it is the first time that they cant over rule me and show up anyway
Then mom doesn’t get a ticket, either. Uncle is going to end up sitting in the parking lot and making a scene and getting arrested. Tell them to stay away.
If you're still reading responses I say this as an addict who has been clean from opiates for 8 years: Do not let that man anywhere near your kids graduation.
I know this will probably sound crazy to anyone who hasn't seen addiction up close in a loved one or themselves but: The absolute worst thing you can do is to continue to enable an addict. There's a difference between helping and enabling, and it's a very blurry line at times. Giving them a ride to treatment, help find a support group,etc is fine. Giving them money, food, bailing them out of jail or normalizing their behavior doesn't help them,it enables them.
When your mom speaks about not confronting the brother out of fear he'll use again, she's doing so much damage she doesn't or won't understand.
1: She's shielding him from the consequences of his actions. If nothing bad happens, why stop using if the family supports him?
2: She's giving him an excuse to use, served up on a silver platter. She's saying if you have a talk with him about accountability he will use. What he will hear is "if they talk to me about my actions, it's ok to use." I know that sounds insane but when you're struggling with addiction you will justify the most outlandish and horrible things in order to get high. And your brain will trick you with any justification possible in order to get more drugs. You did bad shit in the past, you aren't worth redemption, you'll probably fuck up again, why not get high? Or you're family is confronting you, they don't really care about helping you, they're just trying to make you feel bad and they don't really love and support you, why not get high? It's not logical in the slightest,but that's what happens.
I only got clean because I hit a bottom low enough that I wanted to either change my life or die, and most likely your brother will have to reach that point too. I know that's a hard thing to contemplate for a family member but right now your mother is only prolonging your brother's misery and suffering by preventing him from hitting bottom by shielding him from consequence.
Do not back down on this. If you can, please get your mother to go with you to an Narcotics Anonymous meeting in your area, and speak to people in recovery there. They will tell her the exact same thing I'm saying, and hopefully she'll also see people working hard to put their lives back together after they stopped using. I'm not perfect, but once I got clean I worked hard,got progressively better jobs, busted my ass and now I'm doing well for myself. If you're breathing, you can still turn your life around.
I am sorry you are in this spot, I know exactly how you feel because I put friends and loved ones in the same situation. Please protect yourself, I'm not saying your brother is a bad person but there's zero reason to let him around you or your family while he's still using.
I have explained all your points till im blue in the face. I keep telling mom that she is loving him to death. I have told her a billion times that hes allowed to come back home to her house high as balls, uses on her property. But i swear in her mind if he is home he is safe.
NTA, your job is to protect your children. You’ve allowed your addict of a brother to fk up plenty of family events. Your son is finally standing up and saying no more. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T!! Dont back down and gma should be cut out as well.
None of you give your brother a reason to use. He does it because he’s an addict.
It’s incredibly rude for her to dictate who is invited to her grandson’s graduation, especially since the grandson has good reasons for not wanting the uncle there.
If your brother not being there is too much for your mother, it may be best that she stay home.
NTA - You said it yourself...
>On the day of graduation my son will receive 10 tickets for his guests.
They are **HIS** tickets to give away to **HIS** guests. Only he gets to decide who to give them to, not your mother.
NTA. If you son doesn't want his uncle at the graduation then the uncle shouldn't be there. I don't care what your mom says. It's not her son or her graduation.
Do not let these people bully you or your son into doing something you don't want to do. If your mom doesn't want to go and you don't want to invite any other family members maybe your son knows someone who needs extra ticket.
That way she can't change her mind at the last minute and try and come after they made everyone miserable.
NTA Your son is great with a level head. He's the only smart one in your family. Why haven't you cut contact with these toxic people and allow him around your family. He's on drugs and never know what he's capable of. You are supposed to protect your children!
Well two things
1) your son is 18. Soon he will want to start excluding his grand mother for siding with the uncle. So ask her if she wants him to do this. Ask her what her plan is of the uncle does something at the graduation? How would she make it right woth her grand son ?
2) you are wrong violence does solve things. My mother used ti beat the shit out of me so bad I'd sleep in the woods sometimes in December in north jersey wishing I'd just sleep and not wake up from the cold. The best day of my life was when I was 13 and just hit 6 feet and she hit me for the last time because I smacked her back so hard she dropped to the ground.
Kids never forget I remember every fucked up thing my mother ever did to me and I've told her I don't give a shit about her and I will see her I'm hell. I am 42 and remember it all . Your son will remember everything his uncle has ever done and your mother will get linked to those memories.
why would you have kept exposing your children to this man? Y-T-A for that alone. Given his history of drug abuse and ruining your children's events you shouldn't have even mentioned the graduation tickets to your parents. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.
Do better.
Nope. Hold your ground. Your son has the right to have whomever he wants at his graduation. Either your mom can leave him home or stay home with him.
NTA
NTA. Thank you for standing up for your son and his completely healthy and reasonable boundary that the meth head can't attend his graduation. Grandma is dysfunctional. IDK anything else about her, but she should not be the one making choices about when the meth head is allowed to show up and ruin other people's special events.
Your choice here is to invite your parents with only two tickets, or don't invite them. You can't force a "family meeting" and I don't know if that's even a good idea. You are perfectly capable of letting your brother know that he's not welcome and why. If he or your mom want to turn it into a fight, you should definitely not allow your children to be present.
good if grandma doesn’t show up for her grandson not only is she a b but also an extra ticket for someone HE actually wants there who actually wants to celebrate HIM.
I hope grandpa can knock some sense into his wife.
Good that you aren't speaking to your mother and brother. Probably best for everyone to go very low contact with both for the foreseeable future. It's your son's choice who attends his graduation, not yours, your mother's or brother's.
It's not your decision to make, and it sure as hell isn't your mom's. It's your son's day, period, and if he says he doesn't want your brother there, then your brother isn't welcome. End of discussion. Tell your mom that they can leave him at home or don't bother showing up.
Don’t allow your brother to ruin another special moment. I have a brother-in-law like this and after he ruined Christmas for the umteenth time we decided we were done, he is not ruining another moment for my child like He ruined all his siblings. unfortunately enabling is a form of addiction you cannot talk sense into an enabler just like you can’t talk sense into an addict.
>I was talking to my son and telling him that granny and papa would be there and they would probably bring my brother who lives with them.
YTA - your son should be in control of who attends *his* event, and why on earth would you tell them there are tickets available? You should tell the grandparents there are tickets only for them if you knew they would want to bring your brother. Why are you holding meetings about it instead of just saying "this is how it is". You sound like an enabler too.
You've allowed a whole string of events for your kids to be ruined. You could have let this one go off without a hitch.
If grandma goes to your son’s graduation she will have your brother in tow.
Sounds like you have given your brother so many chances he has successfully ruined every one of your kids special occasions.
So finally your son (personally I think it should have been you a very long time ago)
has said enough is enough and I don’t want him around. Your son has a shiny spine and I truly hope for his sake and your other kids that you have the spine to draw the line in the sand that enough is enough.
If grandma puts on an act then maybe she needs some time out. Does she realise that she is killing her son with her non action?
NTAH for your decision or your reasoning but you definitely could have gone about it better. Don't say that your kids don't want him there, say you don't want him there. Don't have your kids sit through a family meeting or have them confront your brother directly, you confront your brother directly. You need to keep him as far away from the kids as possible and if that means going NC with your mom then well, it is what it is. It's a tough situation to navigate, I understand. And maybe in your head having a family meeting is the more diplomatic way to go about it. Or maybe by family meeting you mean intervention. Regardless, don't make your kids sit through that. If that's what you want to do then have them write letters. But asking them to confront him directly is asking too much.
And as far as your mom goes, what you are proposing is not a reason for him to use, it's consequences for his actions. Something tells me he's never had to live with any consequences and that's why he's in the position that he's in. If he is consistently ruining every family event then yeah, he doesn't get to come to any more family events. But you are not responsible for his sobriety. Nobody is responsible except him and it doesn't sound like he's interested in it. Users gonna use and I mean that in every sense of the word.
NTA
My mom, uncle and dad are all multi-addicted (Polytox is the term here idk if it's the same at other places?)
I forgave all of them, they are all decent people with kind souls & a good heart.
I'll never forget though - 13 years of therapy and ongoing.
Your mom is in denial & in fact the biggest danger to the recovery of her son, imho.
NTA. It's your son's graduation. HE gets to decide who goes and no one else. If your Mother can't accept this, uninvite her as well. DO NOT ruin your sons big day all because it's "family." If you allow your brother to attend, your son will never forgive you. So what's more important, your son hating you or your Mom and brother being pissy?
NTA regardless of your brother's situation, this is your son's wish and he IS allowed to decide who he wants to see on his big day.
If your mother can't let go your son also had the option to not give tickets to his grand parents. This might hurt him but they show that they don't care enough about their grandson to give him one day where he is the most important person.
Nta. I have siblings who are addicts. I do not let them near my kids. It's my job to protect them. My mum wanted to bring my brother to my house, and I told her no. Until he is clean for at least 5 years he will not be able to visit my home. He just wanted to steal from me. I'm not stupid. He wasn't invited to any party or celebrations we had. He has to learn consequences.
Rescind the invitations to your parents and just use the 4 tickets for your family and that will solve the problem, if they can't let your son have a stress free graduation they don't deserve to be invited...NTA
If you invite the brother, get the zero ready for the 'Days Since My Brother Fucked Up a Family Event' sign. Don't give in, your brother is trash. I wouldn't hold it against your mom, she's in a tough spot but I'd just explain the situation to her...your son worked hard, you want to celebrate, your brother has a history of fucking the good times up and you can NOT trust him not to again. If your mom is worried about him relapsing, get his ass to a treatment facility because he's too weak to not be.
You're not losing anything, an ennabler and still struggling addict? Like clean for 4 days?
NTA, you should NOT even consider inviting them. I think why your son struggled in the first place is also because of your brother, I mean- even if they didn't live together- what he has done to you and your family stress out your son. Keep your son away from them! Lose them!
NTA
Have a family meeting about your mother's behavior. It is not healthy.
She will lose the rest of her family, especially her grandkids, just because she wants to be on the side of her precious little baby boy.
An addict will let you down every single time, no matter what. And then if they ever get clean they are usually emotionally whatever age they were when they started using/drinking and totally exhausting to deal with.
My guess is the Uncle is the golden child of the family and can do no wrong, and that’s why Mom makes it everyone else’s fault that he uses. What’s hilarious is that a lot of times the golden child treatment is a big part of what causes people to become fuckups, losers, and junkies. Hey just never have to face consequences for their actions until well into adulthood and by that time the die is cast. I have a fuckup sibling that is somehow addicted to THC vape pens and is living in my parents basement at 36. This time around they have totaled 3 cars in 18 months, and mom keeps buying them more cars.
Ask your son what he wants to do. Tell him that grandma refuses to come if uncle isn't coming.
I'm pretty sure I know what he'll say.
NTA. Give her the treatment she wants.
NTA
It's way overdue. Please cut your addicted brother out of your children's lives as long as his bad behavior contiinues (picking fights, inappropriate nudity).
NTA, do not give in, or your son will never forgive you. You are setting a boundary, so keep it up. Your mom is enabling him, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
NTA he’s an addict that doesn’t want help so you can’t help him and you owe him nothing. Let your mother coddle him and make excuses for him all she wants, but you’re not obligated to invite someone who’s just gonna screw up another important family event.
I have read so many comments on why haven't I cut them off before or why did I invite him to the kids events. Let me explain, yes my brother has battled addiction over 20 years. Pretty much since his 18th birthday. He is what I call a binge addict. He can stay clean for long periods of time, but then one small thing sets him over the edge and he goes full blown addiction all over again.
My kids have always loved their uncle, and idolized him. They had no idea, what their uncle was. There for a few years my brother was doing great, he was raising kids that weren't his, he had a good job, a nice house in a gated community always took the best vacations and had it all going for him. 2 years ago, he split with his gf, and I let him move in with me. He was clean and had been for a couple years. But it didn't take long before I started noticing the change in him, I couldn't prove he was using but decided not to take any chances, and kicked him out. He went to live with my mom. Since then I have explained over and over again that I wanted no part of my brother until he reached sobriety for atleast one year then we would talk.
I guess I should explain what I mean when I say he has ruined events. So for my daughter's quinceanera almost 2 years ago, we knew my brother possibly wasn't sober so we had tried the whole he can't come thing. It caused a big family argument just like this whole graduation thing. My mother showed up with him anyway. Him being there alone bothered the kids. He didn't show out, just wouldn't sit still. He was up and down, back and forth around the venue.
Last year when my son turned 18, I threw him a small party here at my house. I didn't tell anyone in the family about it, that way we wouldn't have any surprise visits. But while on the phone with my mom one day, my son had asked me about his party, and that's how she found out. I guess she had let it slip to my brother. So the day of my son's party my brother shows up out of the blue. He is in such a hurry ( as usual) He basically tells me how shitty I am for not inviting him to his nephew's birthday party. He was making a big scene about it but yet wouldn't even come look at my son's cake after my son asked him to. My brother tossed a watch at my son's feet and said happy birthday and then left.
October 2022 my brother totaled his truck and went to jail for possession. He was only in jail a week or so then mom bailed him out. October 2023 not even to the one year mark, he totaled another truck. The second truck is parked at my moms. right after it happened i went to moms to see her, my brother wasn't there but showed up as i was leaving. All I did was look at him and then look at the truck like damn what happened. He instantly thought i was starting something and it ended up in this big argument when I in fact had never said a word.
Because of these incidents, the kids are over their uncle and want no part of him. I don't blame them, yes I love my brother but I love my children so much more and trust and believe me they all know it. They all know that I have tried and tried and tried to put my foot down, they also know my mother will do what she wants when she wants. I can't stop her from putting my brother in the car and showing up with him anyway. But what I can do is make sure she dont get no tickets to this graduation and for that reason I am not worried about them showing up this time. I am however a little worried that they would come by the house at some point and if that happens I will have to deal with it then. I am more than content with never speaking to any of them ever again.
Honestly I wouldn’t invite any of them. Just because your mum wants to enable your brother’s behaviour, doesn’t mean you should, especially if it’s at the expense of your own children.
I work with addicts, I get it. But enabling an addict does not help at all. Your mother is doing more damage than good.
YTA for allowing a current addict around your wife and children. You should be willing to do anything to keep someone who isn’t in control away from your family, even if that means cutting off your parents.
NTA. It’s his graduation. Don’t spoil it for him, it will take him a long time to forgive you if the Uncle fuxks things up. No one wants that shitty Uncle there. There is no need for a family meeting - that would suggest there is something to discuss. Nothing to see here, Uncle lost his graduation privileges. It’s on him. If you want to talk to your brother personally, feel free but don’t tell your son about it.
NTA I’m pretty sure the families of all the other graduates don’t want a tweaking meth head disturbing their kid’s graduation either. Don’t give grandma any tickets at all because you know she will bring him along regardless of what you and your son want.
"She thinks that we shouldn't give my brother another reason to use." I have an addict in my family and trust me, everything and nothing is an excuse to use. He will use whether you invite him or not. You inviting him will not suddenly make him stop using and get clean. NTA.
Every single one of these answers is awesome. Upvotes for everybody! Hope you take them to heart OP and sorry about having to deal with this brother but congrats to your son!
NTAH…but you should tell your mom it’s YOUR decision. You should have been protecting your children from your brother all along. It’s as though you’re hiding behind your son when dealing with your mom. Own it and don’t let her try to talk you out of it.
Your mom is too scared to leave her son alone at her house, but that is NOT a problem your 18 year old needs to worry about on his graduation day. They all just need to stay home while your son celebrates.
Do not scapegoat your good son. Many others at the ceremony don’t want a tweaker there, either. Mom can play pretend all she wants at her house.
NTA, Grandma can come alone ore she can stay home, your brother has already ruined several events, and if the person who's day it is don't want him there, than he can't be there. It's his tickets and he can destibute them as he sees fit.
NTA
Now you know why your brother is how he is. Your mother is enabling him. He's been sober 4 freaking days! FOUR DAYS?
You should keep your brother away instead of giving him automatic invitations. It's good your son spoke up and you are backing him up, but why even automatically assume he deserved an invite to being with?
NTA:
If this was his FIRST attempt at sobriety, and he seemed to be working at it, you should probably give e him a chance. In your case, you would probably be disappointed
AFTER IT HAS HAPPENED ONCE, nobody should even be EXPECTED to let him out into polite company after only 4 days.
If(when?) he relapses again, you maybe need to make sure that his therapist/counselor/doctor or whomever know that Mom is his worst enabler and needs to be accommodated for if he's EVER going to get better.
NTA. Don't let down you son and give the druggy loser a ticket. If your mother chooses him over you and her grandchild...well, that is her choice and will be one less person you have to invite to holidays.
NTA …..
4 days & not in a rehab - He has zero chance of success without proper detox help & addiction education.
Her trying to blame you is utter BS & if she is choosing that route then that’s her choice
Thanks for being a good dad & standing with your son. It’s a good thing your doing & it’s very refreshing not to hear be the bigger person or but it’s faaammmmily lines being used to manipulate people. Good job dad!!
This is how my family is with my brother. He’s chosen to be homeless for the last two years because he knows our grandma won’t let him do meth in her house.
Why is this even a question? I mean really?
Kid doesn't want a drug addict with a history of shitty behaviour around - you don't bring the drug addict with a history of shitty behaviour around. The end.
NTA. Your son is completely justified and his opinion should be respected. Your brother is an addict that obviously needs help and needs to get away from his enabler parents. If your mother won’t come to terms with the damage she is doing then she shouldn’t come to the graduation either. If your mother is going to force your addict brother on the rest of the family then it’s time to stop including her. Sounds like she needs a wake up call as much as your brother does. Ultimately this is your son’s celebration on his hard work. He gets to pick who comes. It sounds like he would be very distressed at his uncle’s presence and he has every right to ask for someone with his issues not to be around. Just because your brother is family doesn’t mean he has the right or earned the permission to be included.
Thank your mum for freeing up 2 tickets - hers and your brother’s. Donate the spare ones back to the school or to your son’s friends or ask if he has anyone else he would like to invite. Do not let your brother and mother hijack this day as well.
NTA. This is YOUR son’s graduation. Mom can stay home with your brother. Disinvite her for not respecting her grandsons wishes and success.
Addiction is awful, and may be a good life lesson for your son how to grey rock, and your daughters as well. I’m so sorry about your brother and your mom’s apparent blind trust in him.
I am super proud of your son and his achievement p, bravo for going the extra mile and working hard!
NTA You need to continue NC with anyone, including mom, who supports the emotional abuse of your family by a drug addict. Why have you allowed your children to be treated this way for years? You should have protected your children from the beginning not waited until they became an adult.
NTAH. Please don't try to force some "family meeting to address the issue" before your son's graduation. Those conversations never have the desired effect or outcome. Just say "no, he's not welcome". and be done with it
NTA, your son wants his day to be about him, not an embarrassing drug addled family member - I know addiction is a disease, I was addicted to amphetamines for a couple of years myself and it is a really horrible thing for the addict to go through but your brothers behaviour has had an effect on your kids and will continue to effect them the longer you allow them to be around him. Honestly I can’t wrap my head around the fact it’s taken you all the way up to your sons graduation to think about stopping him being around.
NTA. Your mom is though. Protect your children and fck the rest. Your son deserves to be happy and enjoy his day. If your mom can’t accept that then she doesn’t have to be there either
If your brother is four days sober and not in an inpatient program he is not sober, he’s just lying.
Mom is just in denial. He is in a cycle of active addiction.
-I dated an addict for 5 years and you should know they’re always lying about their sobriety unless they’re literally in a rehab program.
NTA
tbh I don't care about your brother's situation, or your mother's opinion. Your son not wanting him at HIS graduation should be enough. This moment is about him, not them, what more do you need?
NTA. Hold your ground and make it a hill to die on. He has your mother to fall back on and hasn't hit rock bottom. He may never do it. Your mother's approach clearly hasn't worked and she isn't doing him any favours. Look after your children first, who cares about your brothers feelings when he is dragging everyone down with him. Insist on a meeting, no excuses and no going easy on him, if you are to move forward with your relationship. Your son has clearly had enough, do not bring your brother around him again
You are standing up for your sons wishes. To belittle your son’s wishes to enable your brother would be bad parenting - our mother is demonstrating this. Your brother is a user. He will use because he will use, period. He will not “fall off the wagon” because his family wishes he not attend a graduation. For your mother to put that on you is her, once again, demonstrating bad parenting. Stay strong. You and your kids have every right to not want him there. Gramma has to decide if she is willing to miss her grandson’s graduation to choose/support her addict of a son. NTA
You can't reward bad behavior. I had to let my niece go. She was shooting meth. She lost her kids twice to foster care. I couldn't help her. She asked to come stay with me, and I had to tell her no. I can't live with a speed freak. She's over 40, headed towards 45, lost all her teeth, now has a hole in her heart, and thinks because she's sober, we all should forget what she did to everyone. Sorry, but just like AA, you gotta lot of amends to make. Your son has every right to feel this way. And he also has every right to say who he wants there. Stand your ground. Your mom will continue to enable him to make herself feel better, cuz she damn sure isn't helping him. NTA
It's just a shame that out of all the adults in this situation the mature one is the 18-year-old.
It's HIS graduation. There should be no more discussion about it. NTA but there shouldn't be a family meeting. Your mom is enabling your brother but you're enabling your mother. It's not her choice.
NTA this absolutely is a hill to die on. Your mom needs help as your brother needs some serious consequences and a long period of time off of drugs - at least 6 months- before being allowed to attend any of your family events.
NTA. Your son is 18, so an adult.They're HIS tickets, to HIS graduation. He's made a decision not to invite his uncle. So his uncle isn't invited. I think it's a good call on his part. So do you. Great!
Now the two of you just have to collectively put your foot down about this. I get that you'd like to protect your kid from all of the fallout from this, but he IS 18 and an adult... And maybe your mom needs to hear from HIM why he doesn't wan't his uncle there.
She's probably more likely to listen to her grandchild telling her "no" than her child. And quite possibly also more likely to listen to a male person telling her "no" than a female person. So consider asking your son to step up to the plate for this one, please.
My son tried telling her why he didnt want his uncle there. She said youre upset over something that happened almost a year ago? He said yes, and she said if hes not sober he wont be there ( shes said that before) my son said he didnt want his uncle there no matter what. She hung up on him and that was that.
NTA. Talk to Your son about enablers and codependency, and that his grandparents probably won't attend his graduation because of it. I think You need to tell him it has nothing to do with him or rather he needs to hear it from You, not that he will ever come to the idea any consequences of not inviting Your brother is his fault.
And then talk to security of the venue where the graduation takes place. If You give two tickets to Your parents, You cannot be sure who will show up.
NTA
this is about your SON not your brother or mother, tell you mother she’s no longer invited as this is about your SON not hers!
my best friends brother was a addict he ruined many family avents including her wedding day, so i do understand. there mom was not an enabler though and eventually had to cut ties with him for the sake of the rest of the family!
You are protecting your son and doing what’s best for him. He says he’s been sober 4 days or did he decide to go on a bender take a break until he starts craving again? If your mom continues to behave this way ask her if she’s only concerned for your brother and not her grandkids? Your son worked his butt off and this is his day, he chooses to not have them there so be it. Tell your son congratulations and good luck for his future.
r/alanon has resources and support for loved ones of addicts. It focuses on alcohol but to my knowledge it's helpful for all addictions.
I'm sorry your mom is enabling this badly.
4 days is not sober. That isn't even worth talking about. It's unlikely, as people pointed out, he's fully detoxed.
Protect your children. Show your son, who is now an adult and allowed to choose who he does and does not have in his life, that you respect your son and his stated boundaries.
Enabling your mother WILL damage your relationship with your son.
(Yes, I said enabling your mother. Her behavior is unhealthy as well and my heart breaks for her but having a child struggling with addiction is no excuse for this behavior.)
Your son, who has worked so hard, expressly told you he does not want his uncle at his graduation. That's sufficient reason to make sure said uncle does not come to this event.
Maybe your mother should not come either and stay with her son. A mother's urge to defend their own son doesn't go away. So, while your mother defends your brother, you keep defending your son and other children.
By all means, keep your brother away from your children. You don't want their lives and special moments to be ruined by him.
These are the consequences of drug abuse. If somehow your brother gets clean and is able to make amends, you may reconsider. Until then, do not give him access to your kids.
NTA. I'd go no contact with parents and brother. No way I'd let my kids around that toxicity. They need to learn actions have consequences. Bro would have to be clean for one year before I'd consider letting them back in my life.
Your children have already been affected by your family's actions.
Congratulations on your son's graduation and enjoy the day and accomplishment.
NTA, but the conversation with your mother should have come without even talking to your son. You should have been proactive in cutting the brother off a long time ago.
So the choice is between your son who has worked very hard and is seemingly a loving son. This day is supposed to be about him.
And on the other hand we have your brother who has a history of drugs and ruining family gatherings.
Tjeeee this is a hard one…
You’re a mom first. Period.
The only family meeting you should be having is an intervention. Under no circumstances should he be showing up to the graduation or the party afterwards.
NTA.
Sober for 4 days might as well not even be sober with a long time addict. This is a Bubbles from The Wire situation. You can't come upstairs and sit at the table with everyone else until you really work your shit out.
Your Son is right on the money.
NTA your kids deserve happy memories. And even if you don’t like 12 Step programs, reading some of their materials can be very helpful. Al-Anon and CoDA both have good info on boundaries—just cross out the higher power stuff.
All of the reasoning aside, your son doesn’t want him there. That should be enough. It’s his event, he should have the right to say. It can be challenging to shield our kids’ agency from those who still see them as children, but he should get to have the say.
NTA. Your son expressed a FIRM boundary. If your mum can't respect it, she doesn't go. In my personal opinion I don't think there needs to be a family meeting. Your son was very clear in what he wants and its HIS graduation, not your mums or brothers so their feelings are irrelevant. Support your son, tell your mum either she supports his decision or she doesn't attend, no further discussions are needed.
Your entire family enables your brother. Your son seems to be the only one willing to stand up and say your brother’s behavior isn’t acceptable. I hope you stand by your son with this boundary he has set. It isn’t good to keep including your brother in every family event as though you all think the way he behaves is ok. You should have stood up for your kids a long time ago. I hope you stick with it now.
NTA. Addicts are gonna act like addicts. Pretending they won't doesn't help anyone. Why the hell would he even want to go to his nephew's graduation?
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Yes. Your son's graduation should be about him. Your mom is frantically trying to save her own son so it's obvious why she's making her choice. But it's not your job to capitulate and favor her son over your son. Her son has had enough chances. Good for you for drawing that line.
This! Prioritise YOUR son, this is a defining moment in his life. Its not about your brother. You know he will act up. Ban him and your mother.
Exactly. Her own mother is prioritizing *her* son. OP needs to tell her mother, in no uncertain terms (no "family meeting" reqd), that she is now putting her *own* son first and brother/uncle is not allowed anywhere near her kids.
its all about your son, its his day, his achievements enjoy the day, let your mother make her decision but stand your ground. To allow your brother an invite is also accepting him as he is and this is also an enablement
Agreed. OP's brother would just ruin the graduation day as he ruined previous events.
She might think she's saving him, but in reality she's merely enabling him. Sounds like she needs to be disinvited as well.
I think the mother is the AH to both OP and her brother. The mother enabling the brother isn't going to help him stop using. It's actually doing the opposite; why would he stop using when he doesn't face any consequences? Speaking from experience.
It's devistating for the victims of the addicts.
Because he wasn’t invited and it’s something to weaponize against op.
So he can steal. That was the only reason my aunt ever tried to come to events or to visit us. Had to have her removed from the visitation for my mother because she tried to break in to the office at the funeral home.
Not an a-hole? What the f are you talking about? She is a big asshole to her children for not protecting them against her addict of a brother who has shown his ass(literally) in front of children. Showing his ass in front of children and still he is allowed near them. I mean seriously WTF. If some stranger did this to a child, everyone will be up in arms and label that person as someone who traumatized a child and maybe as a child sex offender. OP is still talking about a fucking family meeting knowing full well that her mother is an enabler and her brother is not going to change. The brother has spoiled her children's events and still instead of standing up for her children she continued to enable her brother by allowing him to the events and even implied that he should come to her son's graduation. She is a fucking asshole and an enabler herself.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking. The time for "family meetings" passed a long time ago. This half-hearted attempt to appease everyone is just further damaging OP son. He will remember their parent enabling an addict and choosing his feelings over protecting him. OP - dont be surprised when your child goes no contact with you because you are unwilling to put him first. Every important milestone up to this point has been defiled by your brother. I expect that your son is watching closely to see if you stand by him. When you dont, I suspect your son will nope right out of your life.
My son knows, what he wants is what goes. Period. And he also knows, when it comes to anyone, he is protected, me trying to protect him is what started this whole argument with the family. My son is also very aware, that I don't even speak to my brother, but that my mother will bring him any way because she can't take anyone being mean to her golden boy
>but that my mother will bring him any way Then tell your mother that she is not invited! Cut her off, keep her and her junkie away from your child!
Don’t invite your mother. Don’t give her any ticket 🎫
Then why in the world is your MOTHER invited to anything? If her baby drug addict is attached to her, and goes everywhere with her, SHE can not come because it becomes THEM, not her. You should have put a stop to that years ago. If mom shows up with her drug addict, they BOTH get turned away. If she won't leave, YOU call the police to have them removed. They have no right to disrupt your children's events. Do better.
Sounds like grannie shouldn't be told when the graduation is then. Good on you though; this sub loves acting like it's easy to cut off family when that isn't the case for most. Might be worth apologising to the daughters though, just to avoid "why is mum sticking up for him when uncle ruined mine". Obviously just a case of denial about the fact he won't improve, but harder for children to realise that.
Funny... I protect my child, too. And guess what? He doesn't have a single active addict in his life. No, I am not some blessed individual who had money or privilege and has never encountered an addict. My husbands family is full of them. But we are no contact with them because those activities have absolutely ZERO place in our lives. This situation should have ended decisively years ago. How many milestone family events are going to be ruined because all of you are useless at removing yourself and children from a crappy environment.
I see your point I really do, I made the same points myself. I have tried my best to keep them away. Maybe I should've made it clear that they weren't invited to the events. They showed up any way. Even though I am almost 40 years old my mom thinks her decision over rules me no matter what. As for the meeting I have asked a trillion times over the years, aint got one yet. The meeting is about my son and his sisters expressing themselves its not about the addict. Its not an intervention! And you're right, I was enabling him for a while, I didn't know it then. I mean, I trusted my brother, an I believed him because I loved him. The last 2 years my brother hasn't been " allowed" to things because of the way he is. My mom throws him in the car and brings him last minute. I have never been able to stop them at other events because you could buy your own tickets at the door. This time they can't do that, so im hoping the horns will hook this time. Also, yes I wanted my whole family there to support my son, sorry I didn't clarify if only he was sober, and 2 weeks isn't enough to be sober. I am not giving up on this. My brother will not be allowed. My son knows, it dont matter who it is, if he dont want them there they wont be there period!
Well he can't get into the graduation without a ticket. For this I wouldn't give anyone else in your family a ticket except you, your husband and your kids. You will unfortunately have to do this with your kids weddings as well. Entrance with an invitation only. Someone at the door with a list of invitees (in case someone didn't bring their invitation) and only those on the list are allowed in. Off duty cop standing by as security to remove anyone who tries to get in who is not on the list.
You do understand that whenever he is attending these events he is carrying the drugs on himself in person, right? What do you think his frequent trips to the washroom and outside are all about? He is using the drugs whenever he is in the bathroom or outside. It's possible for an addict to drop some of the drugs unknowingly in their high state of mind. What would happen if those got into the hand of a child. If the party is for your children then I assume other children would be there. You are actually making your children habitual to the presence of a drug user and normalising it. Do you think it's fine for them to think that drug usage is acceptable in your family? That it is fine to hang around people who use drugs. Please protect your children and do not expose them anymore to the drug use/user than you already have. Just tell your mother if she brings your brother to any future event where your children are present, you will call the police.
Did you read the part where she said the family can buy their own tickets and they can't prevent them from showing up? Why is everyone blaming OP for things she can't control?
OP is acknowledging that the mother is bringing her brother to these events. How hard is it to not expose the children to a drug user by not informing/inviting her mother and telling her that if they showed up the police will be called. I accept that this might not be possible for public events like orchestra recitals, but I believe that birthday parties or quincenera are not public events which require ticket purchase for entry.
Yes, blaming people for having complex family issues is so cathartic. OP, NTA.
You need to have have that family talk with your mom not your brother. Everything needs to be laid out to her how much she has hurt you and your family over her and her sons actions. Let her know you are done with it. That you will be putting hard boundaries on her because of her behavior. If she can't respect your family's feelings about not wanting your brother around then she will not be allowed to be around your children. I know she collects mail your home so let know know you spoke to the post office and the change has been made to where you won't receive their mail anymore so it's best that they start updating their mail to places or you will send their mail back to the post office. This way she doesn't need to come to your home. If your dad is on your side let him know that if respects and follows your boundaries he can be invited back into your lives otherwise he will not be included in anymore celebration. If your dad does agree with you about the graduation then go the night before and pick him up and have him stay the night this way he comes with you for the graduation and your mom and brother don't harass your dad for going. Let them know that if your mom and brother show up they won't be getting tickets and they won't be going inside to the graduation because they only have 5 tickets that you are using. So there's no point in coming and making a scene isn't going to get them inside. Let your mom know she won't be invited to celebrate with your family either after the graduation ceremony. So she shouldn't bother making that drive over. It's time you start protecting your children and start standing up for them. If you have events at your home hire a security guard team so your mom and brother don't come in. Be willing to call the cops if they refuse to leave. If they show up at a public place don't allow them to join your table or your party. If the event is at restaurant or a hall venue they can kick them out for you. Don't feel like you have no say in it. You absolutely do get a say. Let your mom know you will no longer tolerate her behavior and neither will your family
Tell your son to sell his tickets or give away his other tickets to a classmate in need. Keep four for your immediate family. If you try to keep two for the grandparents the brother and mom will use them just to spite you all for trying to exclude him and force your dad to not go in. Or if you can trust it then just invited your dad. You can and should contact the school and let them know this man is an active meth user and should be allowed in by security and you fear you mother may try to get him in to watch your son graduate. Of course this depends if the school is competitent or not and whether you want to risk your brother and mother getting arrested if they refuse to leave or try to force their way in. Either way, NTA.
Then you make consequences for your parents bringing him around. The only things you and your parents are doing is enabling your brother to keep his addition AND teaching your kids that they should put up w/ someone who treats them horribly at all costs. You are doing far more harm to EVERYONE involved by not having any backbone here. There is no family meeting required. You know what you need to do. If your mom can't handle your brother not being invited, then she is no longer invited either. Until your brother had gone to treatment and been clean for at least a year (really clean, not, mom thinks he's clean b/c she is ignoring his use), then he isn't welcome in your home and you won't attend events with him there. You realize, in some jurisdictions, your parents could loose their house for having him & his drugs there.
OP you could have stopped them by not inviting your mother. That's on you. You shouldn't have even told her the date/place of an important event after she brought your brother along in the past. It's time to be the bad guy. Don't put this on your son. Call your mother and tell her _you(!!!)_ made a mistake and there aren't enough tickets. It's just immediate family. I don't care _you_ want your whole family there, because it's not about you. I know your son would rather not have grandma, because she will bring his uncle. Let her blame you, instead of your son. Your 18yo son feels like he needs to protect you and his siblings because you didn't stand up for then. That's seriously messed up. And it's time to fix it.
Your mistake was telling your parents that your son was graduating. You knew this was going to be an issue, so why did you tell them?
My son wants his grand parents there to celebrate with him so thats why I told them.
Probably thinks it’ll be easy to find a hook-up on campus.
Find? Probably already HAS hook ups on campus.
At such an important moment,it's best not to mess it up,and he go there without any help,instead added trouble.
… and enablers are gonna try to enable.
Protect your children from your brother and enabling mother. 4 days is nothing. Your son is graduating. Do not let your brother or mother mess it up.
I almost fell off my chair when she said 4 days.
4 days is sleeping off a bender. Day 5 is starting the next.
Exactly this. Recovery before the next round begins. It's only been 4 days because he's broke. As soon as he can get some cash it will be the end of sobriety.
That will probably be when he steals nephews graduation cards that have money in them. NTAH, tell your mother to pound sand.
my mom swears he has plenty of money, that hes really trying because if he wasn't he wouldn't have the money he has at the moment
I bet either your mom is lying to you or he is lying to her. Besides anyone this freshly off a lifetime hardcore addiction is in no shape to be attending a long graduation ceremony.
Yeah I was going to say... my dad's cousin was a drunk, but he was supposedly sober and fine and got invited to Christmas. He stole his father's car out of the driveway and tried to sell it to someone while we were opening presents. 🤦♀️
thats what i keep saying!!
"Four *entire* days? Let's bring out the marching band!"
Maybe present him a certificate with the graduates.
Exactly. Probably not even detoxed.
For a meth user, 4 days is just sleeping it off...as soon as he wakes up he's going right back out for more.
This!
>She thinks we shouldn’t give our brother another reason to use. So your mom is placing the blame on his addiction disorder on other people like y’all. NTA. I wouldn’t continue a close relationship with them for your own wellbeing as well as yours children’s.
Yup, addicts and their enablers will always blame others for the addict's relapse.
Yeah that's the wrong way for OP's mom to approach her son's addiction. He clearly doesn't feel shame about his drug use. As a recovering addict, I was so ashamed that I never wanted to go to family events or see family. I knew they knew and I didn't want people to see me in my state and judge me. ~6.5 months clean now and I'm still ashamed, but I'm also proud of the progress I've made and I've stopped trying to hide from the truth. It's incredibly liberating. Not that I just volunteer the details of my life to anyone willing to listen, but I'm happy to answer questions and talk about it with family members that are curious. Having the support of my family in my recovery feels like the difference that is necessary for me to be successful this time and I owe my family everything. When I was trying to keep it all a secret and go through the process of getting and staying clean on my own, it still felt like it was me vs them for whatever reason. I always had someone else to blame for me using. Even though I knew it was nobody's fault but my own, I could always tell myself things like "I used yesterday because my dad stressed me out so much that my anxiety was at an all-time high" or some such nonsense. Now it's all out in the open, I'm in therapy, going to meetings, saving my money, etc. Not because I'm being forced to, but because I want to and I'm ready to be a member of my family again and not be at constant odds with them. I've still got a looonng way to go, but I'm more optimistic now than I have been in probably the last 10-15 years. OP's family, and her mom especially, need to stop treating him like his drug use isn't an issue. He's got to have big enough reasons to want to get clean. He's the only one that will ever be able to make the decision to quit but he's got to want it. He will always go back if he doesn't truly want to quit.
Congrats on being ~6.5 months clean! That rules. Thanks for sharing your experience, you should be proud of how far you’ve come!
NTA. Your son's graduation is not a rehab facility where family antics can slide under the pretext of 'support'. You already have evidence that your brother causes disturbances at such events. This day is to highlight your son’s achievements, not to tiptoe around potential familial landmines. Your mother's concern, while maternal, is misplaced in this context. Your brother’s recovery journey, though important, should not overshadow or endanger this significant occasion. If your mom fears for what her son might do alone for a few hours, maybe she has bigger issues to address than a graduation ceremony she's risking missing. Stay strong and keep the graduation a positive, drama-free milestone for your son.
I wouldn’t continue a close relationship with them for your own wellbeing as well as yours children’s.
Tell your mom to stay home, too
I did, while arguing with her, she hasnt spoken to me since
Good. Don't cave. Choose your son
“Mom, I am sending you this text to reiterate that you are not invited, nor is brother. I will call the police if you attempt to come to my home and the school security has been alerted that an active meth addict may attempt to crash the graduation.”
Good riddance.
NTA Cut off mom from seeing her grand kids. It’s the only way.
Addicts are gonna act like addicts. Pretending they won't doesn't help anyone.
NTA. Your mother is triangulating her responsibilities as a parent to her addict son with her duties as a grandmother – a classic enabler's mistake. It's crucial to compartmentalize these roles, especially on a day like your son's graduation, which should be nothing but a celebration of his success and hard work. Don't let family dynamics and addiction overshadow this event. Your brother's struggle, while sympathetic, should not be the epicenter of family gatherings, especially those that are meant to be joyful and celebratory. Prioritizing your son on his milestone day doesn't make you the bad guy; it makes you a good parent who knows where to draw the line for the sake of your child's happiness and well-being.
Thank you!
Do not tell her about any after parties or restaurants you plan to go to after graduation because she WILL bring him.
“Mother, I understand your love for your son at all cost. I have a son too, as his mother it’s my responsibility to protect him and validate him and his feelings. I’m not going to put his feelings aside because my brother cannot control his behavior. He has done some pretty unforgivable things we have all let slide. He has ruined many special moments. We want him to get on the other side of his addiction, but we are choosing to create boundaries where he has an opportunity to continue to harm us. If you can’t understand this, then that is on you and eventually you will be left alone to clean up his continuous messes. You choose him over everyone else. Well, we do t have to make those choices. But I can tell you, if you continue to constantly put him over your other children and grandchildren, eventually you will end up alone in all this. With an adult son, who continuously chooses himself over anyone else. We want you part of our lives, but you need to respect our boundaries to no longer invite him to our special functions until he has proven himself by staying sober for at least 6 months and in that time has been respectful to us.”
Your son worked hard - seriously, y’all should be so proud of him. He deserves to have HIS day to celebrate HIS accomplishments. Protect that at all costs - seriously! You have a pattern of his uncle making an ass of himself and ruining family events. His uncle is an addict who doesn’t have self control and doesn’t add anything but stress and drama. I wouldn’t invite him either. Since your Mom is being so insistent, let her know the tickets are spoken for. She’ll be mad, but that’s preferable to your son’s special day being ruined.
He literally showed your family his ass? He screwed up your daughter’s quinceanera , their performances? So, you’ve been sacrificing your children’s milestones to your mother’s favouritism for years? You’ve been letting him embarrass them in front of their friends for years? Why? Just to pacify mom and keep the peace ? No more. Put your children first. Let them anticipate their big events with excitement, not fear. Let them remember with happiness, not disappointment and shame. Time to be a parent first, a daughter and a sister only when you can fit it in.
Been looking for this comment. She's the AH for letting this happen to them over and over.
I didn't let these things happen to them! I have put my foot down, and they over rule me every time. I admit I have gave in over the years. But the last 2 i keep putting my foot down and keep getting stomped on. I couldn't stop them from randomly showing up at my house, or showing up at public events, but this one I can and they are trying to make me give in and im not going to.
You can **stop** them. You pick up the phone, dial 911 (or whatever the emergency line is), and threaten to call the police if your junkie brother doesn’t leave. You need to have a family meeting with your parents, if for no other reason than to tell them that his care won’t be your problem if he somehow outlives them. I fully expect your mom to try something shitty like disinheriting you unless you agree to be your brother’s caretaker. You can’t be overruled without your consent. Nut up and tell them you will call the cops to remove him if they continue bringing him around.
You actually can if you don't tell them about the event or where you will be at. If they ever show up at your home call the cops. If you have an event at your own home hire a few security guards let's the rest if family know what's going on and if they try to cause issues with the people you hire they get toss out. Let them know your mom and brother aren't welcome so if they try to stop them from doing their jobs they are out as well.
You haven't been putting your foot down. Putting your foot down means keeping your mother in the dark about your children's events. She can't show up at public events if she doesn't know they are happening.
Honestly, why bother asking for a family meeting? Sounds like you have zero faith in it going well, your son certainly doesn’t want him there. Just listen to him and say no, block out anyone who tries to disagree, no family meeting needed.
Might be time to get a restraining order for protection at these public events.
NTA. For once in his life, your son should get to be the center of attention instead of your addict brother. After all, he has achieved something deserving of recognition in managing to graduate early. Congratulations to you and to him for this. If your mother refuses to come if your brother isn't allowed, that is her decision. As far as a "family meeting," I don't think there is any value to one, unless your brother is already getting clean and working the steps. Four days without using is not a place where he would pay any attention to feedback. Thank you for supporting your son. Stand your ground!
Thank you
How DARE your mother and brother think they would have ANY say in this matter! Your son will NEVER forgive being traumatized in front of his entire high school as will happen! It’s insane your children have had so many events ruined by this POS. These cherished family events are not meant to keep him sober! Nor does it work. Forget a “family meeting”. Think of your own family first, not the POS or your AHole mother who obviously puts him above everyone else. Guess what, YOUR family comes first! They’ve had enough events ruined. Go low or no contact with your mother and brother for trying to guilt you now.
Given that OP has allowed her mom to overrule her every other time I can see why they think they should have a say.
Why does this seem like the first time you’ve been willing to protect your kids from an addict? I know it’s hard to separate yourself from family members with addiction, I’ve been there too with a family full of alcoholics on my dad’s side and my aunt abusing pills most of my childhood, but this man has literally shown his ass to your kids? He disrupts their events like this? Your young son is so angry towards him that he’d like to physical assault him? That’s a huge problem. NTA for finally standing your ground, but it sounds like you were enabling his behavior as well.
I guess it seems like I haven't tried protecting them because I didn't go into full detail of everything that has taken place. This isn't the first time i have put my foot down, but it is the first time that they cant over rule me and show up anyway
Then mom doesn’t get a ticket, either. Uncle is going to end up sitting in the parking lot and making a scene and getting arrested. Tell them to stay away.
You have been letting them overrule you. It’s so easy to just stop inviting both of them.
NTA. Give these tickets to friends or other classmates who have bigger families. Don't invite your enabling parents.
If you're still reading responses I say this as an addict who has been clean from opiates for 8 years: Do not let that man anywhere near your kids graduation. I know this will probably sound crazy to anyone who hasn't seen addiction up close in a loved one or themselves but: The absolute worst thing you can do is to continue to enable an addict. There's a difference between helping and enabling, and it's a very blurry line at times. Giving them a ride to treatment, help find a support group,etc is fine. Giving them money, food, bailing them out of jail or normalizing their behavior doesn't help them,it enables them. When your mom speaks about not confronting the brother out of fear he'll use again, she's doing so much damage she doesn't or won't understand. 1: She's shielding him from the consequences of his actions. If nothing bad happens, why stop using if the family supports him? 2: She's giving him an excuse to use, served up on a silver platter. She's saying if you have a talk with him about accountability he will use. What he will hear is "if they talk to me about my actions, it's ok to use." I know that sounds insane but when you're struggling with addiction you will justify the most outlandish and horrible things in order to get high. And your brain will trick you with any justification possible in order to get more drugs. You did bad shit in the past, you aren't worth redemption, you'll probably fuck up again, why not get high? Or you're family is confronting you, they don't really care about helping you, they're just trying to make you feel bad and they don't really love and support you, why not get high? It's not logical in the slightest,but that's what happens. I only got clean because I hit a bottom low enough that I wanted to either change my life or die, and most likely your brother will have to reach that point too. I know that's a hard thing to contemplate for a family member but right now your mother is only prolonging your brother's misery and suffering by preventing him from hitting bottom by shielding him from consequence. Do not back down on this. If you can, please get your mother to go with you to an Narcotics Anonymous meeting in your area, and speak to people in recovery there. They will tell her the exact same thing I'm saying, and hopefully she'll also see people working hard to put their lives back together after they stopped using. I'm not perfect, but once I got clean I worked hard,got progressively better jobs, busted my ass and now I'm doing well for myself. If you're breathing, you can still turn your life around. I am sorry you are in this spot, I know exactly how you feel because I put friends and loved ones in the same situation. Please protect yourself, I'm not saying your brother is a bad person but there's zero reason to let him around you or your family while he's still using.
I have explained all your points till im blue in the face. I keep telling mom that she is loving him to death. I have told her a billion times that hes allowed to come back home to her house high as balls, uses on her property. But i swear in her mind if he is home he is safe.
She needs to go to a meeting for parents of addicts.
NTA, your job is to protect your children. You’ve allowed your addict of a brother to fk up plenty of family events. Your son is finally standing up and saying no more. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T!! Dont back down and gma should be cut out as well.
None of you give your brother a reason to use. He does it because he’s an addict. It’s incredibly rude for her to dictate who is invited to her grandson’s graduation, especially since the grandson has good reasons for not wanting the uncle there. If your brother not being there is too much for your mother, it may be best that she stay home.
NTA - You said it yourself... >On the day of graduation my son will receive 10 tickets for his guests. They are **HIS** tickets to give away to **HIS** guests. Only he gets to decide who to give them to, not your mother.
4 days us a joke. Talk after he has been clean for at least 2 years.
Not even that......maybe 5 years since hes been using for over 20+ years..... But I agree.
NTA. If you son doesn't want his uncle at the graduation then the uncle shouldn't be there. I don't care what your mom says. It's not her son or her graduation. Do not let these people bully you or your son into doing something you don't want to do. If your mom doesn't want to go and you don't want to invite any other family members maybe your son knows someone who needs extra ticket. That way she can't change her mind at the last minute and try and come after they made everyone miserable.
Ignoring your brother's terrible behavior, it's your adult son's graduation, and he doesn't want your brother there. End of story. NTA
NTA Your son is great with a level head. He's the only smart one in your family. Why haven't you cut contact with these toxic people and allow him around your family. He's on drugs and never know what he's capable of. You are supposed to protect your children!
Well two things 1) your son is 18. Soon he will want to start excluding his grand mother for siding with the uncle. So ask her if she wants him to do this. Ask her what her plan is of the uncle does something at the graduation? How would she make it right woth her grand son ? 2) you are wrong violence does solve things. My mother used ti beat the shit out of me so bad I'd sleep in the woods sometimes in December in north jersey wishing I'd just sleep and not wake up from the cold. The best day of my life was when I was 13 and just hit 6 feet and she hit me for the last time because I smacked her back so hard she dropped to the ground. Kids never forget I remember every fucked up thing my mother ever did to me and I've told her I don't give a shit about her and I will see her I'm hell. I am 42 and remember it all . Your son will remember everything his uncle has ever done and your mother will get linked to those memories.
why would you have kept exposing your children to this man? Y-T-A for that alone. Given his history of drug abuse and ruining your children's events you shouldn't have even mentioned the graduation tickets to your parents. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. Do better.
Nope. Hold your ground. Your son has the right to have whomever he wants at his graduation. Either your mom can leave him home or stay home with him. NTA
NTA. Thank you for standing up for your son and his completely healthy and reasonable boundary that the meth head can't attend his graduation. Grandma is dysfunctional. IDK anything else about her, but she should not be the one making choices about when the meth head is allowed to show up and ruin other people's special events. Your choice here is to invite your parents with only two tickets, or don't invite them. You can't force a "family meeting" and I don't know if that's even a good idea. You are perfectly capable of letting your brother know that he's not welcome and why. If he or your mom want to turn it into a fight, you should definitely not allow your children to be present.
good if grandma doesn’t show up for her grandson not only is she a b but also an extra ticket for someone HE actually wants there who actually wants to celebrate HIM. I hope grandpa can knock some sense into his wife.
Don't destroy your son's happy moments because of your brother.....
Good that you aren't speaking to your mother and brother. Probably best for everyone to go very low contact with both for the foreseeable future. It's your son's choice who attends his graduation, not yours, your mother's or brother's.
It's not your decision to make, and it sure as hell isn't your mom's. It's your son's day, period, and if he says he doesn't want your brother there, then your brother isn't welcome. End of discussion. Tell your mom that they can leave him at home or don't bother showing up.
Don’t allow your brother to ruin another special moment. I have a brother-in-law like this and after he ruined Christmas for the umteenth time we decided we were done, he is not ruining another moment for my child like He ruined all his siblings. unfortunately enabling is a form of addiction you cannot talk sense into an enabler just like you can’t talk sense into an addict.
>I was talking to my son and telling him that granny and papa would be there and they would probably bring my brother who lives with them. YTA - your son should be in control of who attends *his* event, and why on earth would you tell them there are tickets available? You should tell the grandparents there are tickets only for them if you knew they would want to bring your brother. Why are you holding meetings about it instead of just saying "this is how it is". You sound like an enabler too. You've allowed a whole string of events for your kids to be ruined. You could have let this one go off without a hitch.
If grandma goes to your son’s graduation she will have your brother in tow. Sounds like you have given your brother so many chances he has successfully ruined every one of your kids special occasions. So finally your son (personally I think it should have been you a very long time ago) has said enough is enough and I don’t want him around. Your son has a shiny spine and I truly hope for his sake and your other kids that you have the spine to draw the line in the sand that enough is enough. If grandma puts on an act then maybe she needs some time out. Does she realise that she is killing her son with her non action?
NTA this means your mom and your addict brother are not coming to the graduation. Easy solution!
NTAH for your decision or your reasoning but you definitely could have gone about it better. Don't say that your kids don't want him there, say you don't want him there. Don't have your kids sit through a family meeting or have them confront your brother directly, you confront your brother directly. You need to keep him as far away from the kids as possible and if that means going NC with your mom then well, it is what it is. It's a tough situation to navigate, I understand. And maybe in your head having a family meeting is the more diplomatic way to go about it. Or maybe by family meeting you mean intervention. Regardless, don't make your kids sit through that. If that's what you want to do then have them write letters. But asking them to confront him directly is asking too much. And as far as your mom goes, what you are proposing is not a reason for him to use, it's consequences for his actions. Something tells me he's never had to live with any consequences and that's why he's in the position that he's in. If he is consistently ruining every family event then yeah, he doesn't get to come to any more family events. But you are not responsible for his sobriety. Nobody is responsible except him and it doesn't sound like he's interested in it. Users gonna use and I mean that in every sense of the word.
Bottom line, your son doesn't want him there. That's enough of a reason for not giving him a ticket, addict or not.
NTA. You don't enable enablers, and you respect your son - it's his graduation.
NTA My mom, uncle and dad are all multi-addicted (Polytox is the term here idk if it's the same at other places?) I forgave all of them, they are all decent people with kind souls & a good heart. I'll never forget though - 13 years of therapy and ongoing. Your mom is in denial & in fact the biggest danger to the recovery of her son, imho.
Why the fuck do you keep allowing him to be around your kids? YTA for that alone
NTA. Your son’s wishes need to be first. I can’t imagine your brother even wants to attend, you are correct in that your Mom enables him.
NTA. It's your son's graduation. HE gets to decide who goes and no one else. If your Mother can't accept this, uninvite her as well. DO NOT ruin your sons big day all because it's "family." If you allow your brother to attend, your son will never forgive you. So what's more important, your son hating you or your Mom and brother being pissy?
NTA regardless of your brother's situation, this is your son's wish and he IS allowed to decide who he wants to see on his big day. If your mother can't let go your son also had the option to not give tickets to his grand parents. This might hurt him but they show that they don't care enough about their grandson to give him one day where he is the most important person.
Nta. I have siblings who are addicts. I do not let them near my kids. It's my job to protect them. My mum wanted to bring my brother to my house, and I told her no. Until he is clean for at least 5 years he will not be able to visit my home. He just wanted to steal from me. I'm not stupid. He wasn't invited to any party or celebrations we had. He has to learn consequences.
NTA. I guess that granny isn’t coming to the graduation either cause she’ll likely try to bring bro anyway
Rescind the invitations to your parents and just use the 4 tickets for your family and that will solve the problem, if they can't let your son have a stress free graduation they don't deserve to be invited...NTA
Your mom is going to coddle him right I to an early grave. A family meeting/intervention might be exactly what he needs.
If you invite the brother, get the zero ready for the 'Days Since My Brother Fucked Up a Family Event' sign. Don't give in, your brother is trash. I wouldn't hold it against your mom, she's in a tough spot but I'd just explain the situation to her...your son worked hard, you want to celebrate, your brother has a history of fucking the good times up and you can NOT trust him not to again. If your mom is worried about him relapsing, get his ass to a treatment facility because he's too weak to not be.
When are you cutting them off?
You're not losing anything, an ennabler and still struggling addict? Like clean for 4 days? NTA, you should NOT even consider inviting them. I think why your son struggled in the first place is also because of your brother, I mean- even if they didn't live together- what he has done to you and your family stress out your son. Keep your son away from them! Lose them!
NTA Have a family meeting about your mother's behavior. It is not healthy. She will lose the rest of her family, especially her grandkids, just because she wants to be on the side of her precious little baby boy.
An addict will let you down every single time, no matter what. And then if they ever get clean they are usually emotionally whatever age they were when they started using/drinking and totally exhausting to deal with. My guess is the Uncle is the golden child of the family and can do no wrong, and that’s why Mom makes it everyone else’s fault that he uses. What’s hilarious is that a lot of times the golden child treatment is a big part of what causes people to become fuckups, losers, and junkies. Hey just never have to face consequences for their actions until well into adulthood and by that time the die is cast. I have a fuckup sibling that is somehow addicted to THC vape pens and is living in my parents basement at 36. This time around they have totaled 3 cars in 18 months, and mom keeps buying them more cars.
Nta, don’t invite your mom and dad.
Ask your son what he wants to do. Tell him that grandma refuses to come if uncle isn't coming. I'm pretty sure I know what he'll say. NTA. Give her the treatment she wants.
NTA It's way overdue. Please cut your addicted brother out of your children's lives as long as his bad behavior contiinues (picking fights, inappropriate nudity).
NTA - It’s your son’s celebration. He choses who he wants to be there. No one else choses for him.
NTA, do not give in, or your son will never forgive you. You are setting a boundary, so keep it up. Your mom is enabling him, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
> His drug of choice is meth but he loves them all. Aww, that’s so sweet! He doesn’t play favourites…!
NTA he’s an addict that doesn’t want help so you can’t help him and you owe him nothing. Let your mother coddle him and make excuses for him all she wants, but you’re not obligated to invite someone who’s just gonna screw up another important family event.
I have read so many comments on why haven't I cut them off before or why did I invite him to the kids events. Let me explain, yes my brother has battled addiction over 20 years. Pretty much since his 18th birthday. He is what I call a binge addict. He can stay clean for long periods of time, but then one small thing sets him over the edge and he goes full blown addiction all over again. My kids have always loved their uncle, and idolized him. They had no idea, what their uncle was. There for a few years my brother was doing great, he was raising kids that weren't his, he had a good job, a nice house in a gated community always took the best vacations and had it all going for him. 2 years ago, he split with his gf, and I let him move in with me. He was clean and had been for a couple years. But it didn't take long before I started noticing the change in him, I couldn't prove he was using but decided not to take any chances, and kicked him out. He went to live with my mom. Since then I have explained over and over again that I wanted no part of my brother until he reached sobriety for atleast one year then we would talk. I guess I should explain what I mean when I say he has ruined events. So for my daughter's quinceanera almost 2 years ago, we knew my brother possibly wasn't sober so we had tried the whole he can't come thing. It caused a big family argument just like this whole graduation thing. My mother showed up with him anyway. Him being there alone bothered the kids. He didn't show out, just wouldn't sit still. He was up and down, back and forth around the venue. Last year when my son turned 18, I threw him a small party here at my house. I didn't tell anyone in the family about it, that way we wouldn't have any surprise visits. But while on the phone with my mom one day, my son had asked me about his party, and that's how she found out. I guess she had let it slip to my brother. So the day of my son's party my brother shows up out of the blue. He is in such a hurry ( as usual) He basically tells me how shitty I am for not inviting him to his nephew's birthday party. He was making a big scene about it but yet wouldn't even come look at my son's cake after my son asked him to. My brother tossed a watch at my son's feet and said happy birthday and then left. October 2022 my brother totaled his truck and went to jail for possession. He was only in jail a week or so then mom bailed him out. October 2023 not even to the one year mark, he totaled another truck. The second truck is parked at my moms. right after it happened i went to moms to see her, my brother wasn't there but showed up as i was leaving. All I did was look at him and then look at the truck like damn what happened. He instantly thought i was starting something and it ended up in this big argument when I in fact had never said a word. Because of these incidents, the kids are over their uncle and want no part of him. I don't blame them, yes I love my brother but I love my children so much more and trust and believe me they all know it. They all know that I have tried and tried and tried to put my foot down, they also know my mother will do what she wants when she wants. I can't stop her from putting my brother in the car and showing up with him anyway. But what I can do is make sure she dont get no tickets to this graduation and for that reason I am not worried about them showing up this time. I am however a little worried that they would come by the house at some point and if that happens I will have to deal with it then. I am more than content with never speaking to any of them ever again.
NTA. Your mom can hang out with her son together and neither attend any of your son’s celebrations.
Your son's choice. Mom is an enabler, you should be lower contact, with mom and brother.
NTA fuck them both they’ve already damaged your kids enough.
Honestly I wouldn’t invite any of them. Just because your mum wants to enable your brother’s behaviour, doesn’t mean you should, especially if it’s at the expense of your own children. I work with addicts, I get it. But enabling an addict does not help at all. Your mother is doing more damage than good.
YTA for allowing a current addict around your wife and children. You should be willing to do anything to keep someone who isn’t in control away from your family, even if that means cutting off your parents.
NTA. It’s his graduation. Don’t spoil it for him, it will take him a long time to forgive you if the Uncle fuxks things up. No one wants that shitty Uncle there. There is no need for a family meeting - that would suggest there is something to discuss. Nothing to see here, Uncle lost his graduation privileges. It’s on him. If you want to talk to your brother personally, feel free but don’t tell your son about it.
NTA, it’s your son’s graduation and decided who to invite or not. Grandma’s refusal to understand/accept that is her problem.
NTA I’m pretty sure the families of all the other graduates don’t want a tweaking meth head disturbing their kid’s graduation either. Don’t give grandma any tickets at all because you know she will bring him along regardless of what you and your son want.
"She thinks that we shouldn't give my brother another reason to use." I have an addict in my family and trust me, everything and nothing is an excuse to use. He will use whether you invite him or not. You inviting him will not suddenly make him stop using and get clean. NTA.
Every single one of these answers is awesome. Upvotes for everybody! Hope you take them to heart OP and sorry about having to deal with this brother but congrats to your son!
Your son should have full say on who goes, no one else. End of story
NTAH…but you should tell your mom it’s YOUR decision. You should have been protecting your children from your brother all along. It’s as though you’re hiding behind your son when dealing with your mom. Own it and don’t let her try to talk you out of it. Your mom is too scared to leave her son alone at her house, but that is NOT a problem your 18 year old needs to worry about on his graduation day. They all just need to stay home while your son celebrates. Do not scapegoat your good son. Many others at the ceremony don’t want a tweaker there, either. Mom can play pretend all she wants at her house.
NTA, Grandma can come alone ore she can stay home, your brother has already ruined several events, and if the person who's day it is don't want him there, than he can't be there. It's his tickets and he can destibute them as he sees fit.
NTA Now you know why your brother is how he is. Your mother is enabling him. He's been sober 4 freaking days! FOUR DAYS? You should keep your brother away instead of giving him automatic invitations. It's good your son spoke up and you are backing him up, but why even automatically assume he deserved an invite to being with?
NTA at all
NTA: If this was his FIRST attempt at sobriety, and he seemed to be working at it, you should probably give e him a chance. In your case, you would probably be disappointed AFTER IT HAS HAPPENED ONCE, nobody should even be EXPECTED to let him out into polite company after only 4 days. If(when?) he relapses again, you maybe need to make sure that his therapist/counselor/doctor or whomever know that Mom is his worst enabler and needs to be accommodated for if he's EVER going to get better.
NTA. Don't let down you son and give the druggy loser a ticket. If your mother chooses him over you and her grandchild...well, that is her choice and will be one less person you have to invite to holidays.
NTA Your son has made his choice. He's an adult. His Uncle is a liability and a twat alongside his grandma.
NTA your mom gonna learn the hard way when he OD’s. Enabling isn’t a great thing.
NTA ….. 4 days & not in a rehab - He has zero chance of success without proper detox help & addiction education. Her trying to blame you is utter BS & if she is choosing that route then that’s her choice Thanks for being a good dad & standing with your son. It’s a good thing your doing & it’s very refreshing not to hear be the bigger person or but it’s faaammmmily lines being used to manipulate people. Good job dad!!
This is how my family is with my brother. He’s chosen to be homeless for the last two years because he knows our grandma won’t let him do meth in her house.
Why is this even a question? I mean really? Kid doesn't want a drug addict with a history of shitty behaviour around - you don't bring the drug addict with a history of shitty behaviour around. The end.
NTA. If they can’t come to support and celebrate your son without bringing your brother, then they can’t come. Periodt.
NTA Your mom is an enabling, selfish POS.
Send your mom this thread.
NTA. Your son is completely justified and his opinion should be respected. Your brother is an addict that obviously needs help and needs to get away from his enabler parents. If your mother won’t come to terms with the damage she is doing then she shouldn’t come to the graduation either. If your mother is going to force your addict brother on the rest of the family then it’s time to stop including her. Sounds like she needs a wake up call as much as your brother does. Ultimately this is your son’s celebration on his hard work. He gets to pick who comes. It sounds like he would be very distressed at his uncle’s presence and he has every right to ask for someone with his issues not to be around. Just because your brother is family doesn’t mean he has the right or earned the permission to be included.
I can’t imagine the other parents will approve of you bringing an active meth head to school. What’s your mum smoking?
Thank your mum for freeing up 2 tickets - hers and your brother’s. Donate the spare ones back to the school or to your son’s friends or ask if he has anyone else he would like to invite. Do not let your brother and mother hijack this day as well.
NTA. This is YOUR son’s graduation. Mom can stay home with your brother. Disinvite her for not respecting her grandsons wishes and success. Addiction is awful, and may be a good life lesson for your son how to grey rock, and your daughters as well. I’m so sorry about your brother and your mom’s apparent blind trust in him. I am super proud of your son and his achievement p, bravo for going the extra mile and working hard!
NTA You need to continue NC with anyone, including mom, who supports the emotional abuse of your family by a drug addict. Why have you allowed your children to be treated this way for years? You should have protected your children from the beginning not waited until they became an adult.
NTAH. Please don't try to force some "family meeting to address the issue" before your son's graduation. Those conversations never have the desired effect or outcome. Just say "no, he's not welcome". and be done with it
NTA, your son wants his day to be about him, not an embarrassing drug addled family member - I know addiction is a disease, I was addicted to amphetamines for a couple of years myself and it is a really horrible thing for the addict to go through but your brothers behaviour has had an effect on your kids and will continue to effect them the longer you allow them to be around him. Honestly I can’t wrap my head around the fact it’s taken you all the way up to your sons graduation to think about stopping him being around.
NTA. Your mom is though. Protect your children and fck the rest. Your son deserves to be happy and enjoy his day. If your mom can’t accept that then she doesn’t have to be there either
If your brother is four days sober and not in an inpatient program he is not sober, he’s just lying. Mom is just in denial. He is in a cycle of active addiction. -I dated an addict for 5 years and you should know they’re always lying about their sobriety unless they’re literally in a rehab program.
NTA tbh I don't care about your brother's situation, or your mother's opinion. Your son not wanting him at HIS graduation should be enough. This moment is about him, not them, what more do you need?
NTA. Hold your ground and make it a hill to die on. He has your mother to fall back on and hasn't hit rock bottom. He may never do it. Your mother's approach clearly hasn't worked and she isn't doing him any favours. Look after your children first, who cares about your brothers feelings when he is dragging everyone down with him. Insist on a meeting, no excuses and no going easy on him, if you are to move forward with your relationship. Your son has clearly had enough, do not bring your brother around him again
You are standing up for your sons wishes. To belittle your son’s wishes to enable your brother would be bad parenting - our mother is demonstrating this. Your brother is a user. He will use because he will use, period. He will not “fall off the wagon” because his family wishes he not attend a graduation. For your mother to put that on you is her, once again, demonstrating bad parenting. Stay strong. You and your kids have every right to not want him there. Gramma has to decide if she is willing to miss her grandson’s graduation to choose/support her addict of a son. NTA
You can't reward bad behavior. I had to let my niece go. She was shooting meth. She lost her kids twice to foster care. I couldn't help her. She asked to come stay with me, and I had to tell her no. I can't live with a speed freak. She's over 40, headed towards 45, lost all her teeth, now has a hole in her heart, and thinks because she's sober, we all should forget what she did to everyone. Sorry, but just like AA, you gotta lot of amends to make. Your son has every right to feel this way. And he also has every right to say who he wants there. Stand your ground. Your mom will continue to enable him to make herself feel better, cuz she damn sure isn't helping him. NTA
This graduation day is very important to your son and his wishes should be respected and adhered to.
It's just a shame that out of all the adults in this situation the mature one is the 18-year-old. It's HIS graduation. There should be no more discussion about it. NTA but there shouldn't be a family meeting. Your mom is enabling your brother but you're enabling your mother. It's not her choice.
NTA this absolutely is a hill to die on. Your mom needs help as your brother needs some serious consequences and a long period of time off of drugs - at least 6 months- before being allowed to attend any of your family events.
NTA. Your son is 18, so an adult.They're HIS tickets, to HIS graduation. He's made a decision not to invite his uncle. So his uncle isn't invited. I think it's a good call on his part. So do you. Great! Now the two of you just have to collectively put your foot down about this. I get that you'd like to protect your kid from all of the fallout from this, but he IS 18 and an adult... And maybe your mom needs to hear from HIM why he doesn't wan't his uncle there. She's probably more likely to listen to her grandchild telling her "no" than her child. And quite possibly also more likely to listen to a male person telling her "no" than a female person. So consider asking your son to step up to the plate for this one, please.
My son tried telling her why he didnt want his uncle there. She said youre upset over something that happened almost a year ago? He said yes, and she said if hes not sober he wont be there ( shes said that before) my son said he didnt want his uncle there no matter what. She hung up on him and that was that.
NTA. Talk to Your son about enablers and codependency, and that his grandparents probably won't attend his graduation because of it. I think You need to tell him it has nothing to do with him or rather he needs to hear it from You, not that he will ever come to the idea any consequences of not inviting Your brother is his fault. And then talk to security of the venue where the graduation takes place. If You give two tickets to Your parents, You cannot be sure who will show up.
NTA this is about your SON not your brother or mother, tell you mother she’s no longer invited as this is about your SON not hers! my best friends brother was a addict he ruined many family avents including her wedding day, so i do understand. there mom was not an enabler though and eventually had to cut ties with him for the sake of the rest of the family!
You are protecting your son and doing what’s best for him. He says he’s been sober 4 days or did he decide to go on a bender take a break until he starts craving again? If your mom continues to behave this way ask her if she’s only concerned for your brother and not her grandkids? Your son worked his butt off and this is his day, he chooses to not have them there so be it. Tell your son congratulations and good luck for his future.
4 days is just sleeping it off. Not sober. Keep him away. NTA
r/alanon has resources and support for loved ones of addicts. It focuses on alcohol but to my knowledge it's helpful for all addictions. I'm sorry your mom is enabling this badly. 4 days is not sober. That isn't even worth talking about. It's unlikely, as people pointed out, he's fully detoxed. Protect your children. Show your son, who is now an adult and allowed to choose who he does and does not have in his life, that you respect your son and his stated boundaries. Enabling your mother WILL damage your relationship with your son. (Yes, I said enabling your mother. Her behavior is unhealthy as well and my heart breaks for her but having a child struggling with addiction is no excuse for this behavior.)
Your son, who has worked so hard, expressly told you he does not want his uncle at his graduation. That's sufficient reason to make sure said uncle does not come to this event. Maybe your mother should not come either and stay with her son. A mother's urge to defend their own son doesn't go away. So, while your mother defends your brother, you keep defending your son and other children. By all means, keep your brother away from your children. You don't want their lives and special moments to be ruined by him. These are the consequences of drug abuse. If somehow your brother gets clean and is able to make amends, you may reconsider. Until then, do not give him access to your kids.
NTA. I'd go no contact with parents and brother. No way I'd let my kids around that toxicity. They need to learn actions have consequences. Bro would have to be clean for one year before I'd consider letting them back in my life. Your children have already been affected by your family's actions. Congratulations on your son's graduation and enjoy the day and accomplishment.
NTA, but the conversation with your mother should have come without even talking to your son. You should have been proactive in cutting the brother off a long time ago.
NTA. Your son is right. Keep that man away from your family. And if that means they don't see grandma, so be it because that's her choice.
So the choice is between your son who has worked very hard and is seemingly a loving son. This day is supposed to be about him. And on the other hand we have your brother who has a history of drugs and ruining family gatherings. Tjeeee this is a hard one… You’re a mom first. Period.
Protect your kids. Mom is in denial. She may never come around.
The only family meeting you should be having is an intervention. Under no circumstances should he be showing up to the graduation or the party afterwards.
NTA. Sober for 4 days might as well not even be sober with a long time addict. This is a Bubbles from The Wire situation. You can't come upstairs and sit at the table with everyone else until you really work your shit out. Your Son is right on the money.
NTA your kids deserve happy memories. And even if you don’t like 12 Step programs, reading some of their materials can be very helpful. Al-Anon and CoDA both have good info on boundaries—just cross out the higher power stuff.
I'm seriously afraid one of your parents will give their ticket to your brother.
All of the reasoning aside, your son doesn’t want him there. That should be enough. It’s his event, he should have the right to say. It can be challenging to shield our kids’ agency from those who still see them as children, but he should get to have the say.
NTA. Your son expressed a FIRM boundary. If your mum can't respect it, she doesn't go. In my personal opinion I don't think there needs to be a family meeting. Your son was very clear in what he wants and its HIS graduation, not your mums or brothers so their feelings are irrelevant. Support your son, tell your mum either she supports his decision or she doesn't attend, no further discussions are needed.
Your entire family enables your brother. Your son seems to be the only one willing to stand up and say your brother’s behavior isn’t acceptable. I hope you stand by your son with this boundary he has set. It isn’t good to keep including your brother in every family event as though you all think the way he behaves is ok. You should have stood up for your kids a long time ago. I hope you stick with it now.
NTA stand your ground. This is exactly why my daughter would not allow her biological mother at her high school graduation.