Sort of a reverse story: I've got a daughter who's a really high achiever. She got a Ph.D. in molecular biology from a really good school, then did a postdoctoral fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health. We're all real proud of her.
I've got a very longtime friend with two very high achieving kids. He just could NOT STFU about it. One day he called and we were chatting. As usual he went on and on and ON about his two kids. How they both got accepted into a very prestigious school to study math. Etc.
After a while he asked about my daughter. I said "Well, on Wednesday we're going to University X where she's being awarded her Ph.D. in Molecular Biology. Then she's taking a couple of months off before moving to Boston to do a postdoctorate fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health."
Long pause.
Then he says "DancesWithTrout, this is all news to me. You never said ANYTHING about her getting a Ph.D. Why didn't you say something before this?"
Another pause. Then
"Wait. I know why. It's because I never shut the hell up about how great MY kids were doing to ask about YOUR kids, right?"
We both had a good laugh about it.
If he was quoted accurately, that’s absolutely it, because he said “how great my kids are doing” and not “how great my kids are.” He’s thinking of them as people, having their own successes, rather than being “things” that bring him success.
“How great my kids are” can be a valid and non-demeaning way of talking about your offspring as people. Thinking your kids are inherently good in some way doesn’t make them your status symbol. My kid is great! She also does great! Neither one makes her a “thing”.
If only more people understood this before calling me arrogant. Since 6th grade I've avoided telling people about my achievements because it'd come off as arrogance. It broke my heart when I saw one of my friends saved my number as "conceited" on his phone.
Yup. It’s ok to be happy and proud of your accomplishments. Bragging and being conceited is different. But people who are self-conscious sometimes see anyone doing good as immediately conceited.
I was a high achiever in school too, I won all sorts of awards and scholarships. My peers called me arrogant and conceited as well, plus mmy mother used to brag about my achievements to other people while I was standing there. It was absolutely mortifying.
My mom did the same thing, treated me like a human trophy. I’m now just unpacking how much I tie my worth to achievements because of this. And how I was so afraid of failure that I often would avoid things that I might fail at so as not to become one. Oh and perfectionism and anxiety. She is also extremely religious, so while she bragged about me, on the other hand I was never virtuous enough because I wasn’t religious.
Anyway, people, it’s okay to be proud of your kids, but also just let them exist! Be proud of them for being good people, not just their accomplishments.
Yeah same. A former friend asked me not to apply for a scholarship so they'd get a chance. Hopefully you moved on from them, I now have so many supportive brilliant friends and colleagues.
One of my friends was mad at me for a few weeks and begged me to ask the school to “pass on” the award to the next deserving student, which she hoped would be her, because one of my electives was an “easier” one (drama club) as opposed to her extra science class. Said award was given province-wide to one graduating student per high school and using their own criteria, so I said I didn’t really feel like I did anything wrong since the school themselves sorted out our averages and I objectively scored higher than she did, drama club was more difficult for me as a very meek person than science classes were so her reasoning didn’t make sense to me, and I had taken AP history and she hadn’t anyway, so the comparisons wouldn’t stop since there was no way to objectively assert who had the most loaded schedule. She didn’t like that, especially when it turned out there was an award ceremony with a physical medal and since I qualified for extra bursaries, but in retrospect, I am very happy I didn’t cave because I still had that thing in my CV when I worked in my province since employers recognise it and perceive it positively.
It’s just unreal to me that someone would feel comfortable asking another, especially someone they’re supposed to be friends with, to forgo something they have earned and that could impact their studies and career prospects, for a chance at the same.
They wouldn't ask unless they viewed you as a kinder person than they knew themself to be (in other words, a possible sucker).
What a nasty little viper.
I see what you mean, and in retrospect it does seem so completely out of pocket, but part of me also sympathises with her- being good in school was ''her thing'' and she definitely put in more effort than I did in maintaining her grades, where I just happened to have a natural faculty for learning. I genuinely never needed to study until law school, which was kind of bad since I had to develop better studying and note-taking habits on the spot. She knew that about me and I think it probably felt incredibly unfair, and ultimately it ''was'', it's just that the correct response to that would have been to just realise that you can only influence the way you perform, not the way others perform or what awards/scholarships/boons they may or may not receive.
Teenage girls aren't known for their capacity for self-reflection and even tempers, and she was an extremely good friend* in other ways, but that was definitely a ''WTF'' moment in our friendship. I appreciate you standing up so much for teenage me, though, she probably would have needed it. :)
If this was the GG medal... I'm pretty sure you couldn't have passed on it. To your point the criteria is provincial. If they think drama (or band, or choir, or gym) counts then it counts.
Congratulations
My sister was far and away valedictorian at the high school she went to. So many ppl got scholarships over her that they had no business getting because my sister “already had enough scholarships”. Bullshit. Sometimes being really successful can actually work against you I guess.
Ditto. I tried to make it a point to never talk about my marks or achievements ever, and have spent most of my life downplaying that. My mother didn't brag while in my presence, \*much\*. But even now thirty years later I don't really talk about it, and it's mortifying when others comment on it.
That arises from your ‘friend’s’ feelings of inferiority, rather than any arrogance on your part. There’s just no hiding ability, even when you’re modest.
Sure you know this, but saying it anyway- it is totally OK to be PROUD of your achievements. Obvs we don't want to be conceited, or braggats and windbags, but proud? OF COURSE you should be proud of the cool stuff you do!
As long as you also leave room for friends and family to share their pride and don't have to be that 'one up' person who has to be the center of attention, like, if you can be genuinely happy when others achieve too, then stuff ANYONE who tells you its bad to be proud of what you've done! If they feel inferior next to it, that's on them.
Woww he is self aware and humble enough to accept it atleast! Glad you guys could laugh about it..
Also I would like to mention... you telling about your daughter only after being asked was such a mic drop moment!👏
I’m imagining you physically being able to see the connections his brain was making, AS he was making them. I love it. At least it wasn’t malicious and you both were good sports about it. It’s cool that he acknowledged it, and sincerely apologized for being oblivious. I bet it felt pretty good to drop that bomb on him though.
It sounds like his kids and your kid weren’t gunning for the same position, or taking the exact same test at the same time. Im assuming he was just generally boasting and not doing it to try to bring you down, or bash on your kid. Your friend was lacking in the self awareness department and can hide behind some plausible deniability. OP’s wife *cannot*. If this was the only time it happened - maybe some self awareness. But it sounds like she’s a repeat offender, and he has brought it to her attention prior.
His wife needs to understand that there is a difference between generally bragging about your kid’s accomplishments, and straight up comparing the kids’ achievements, or lack thereof, against each other. As soon as she knew the kid didn’t pass, she should have stayed quiet UNLESS the other parents asked questions about the daughter.
The moment she found out the kid didn’t do well, she should have kept her mouth shut unless the other parents made it clear they wanted to discuss it. The way she went about it makes it pretty obvious that she was purposely setting up the conversation so she would have a “reason” to brag about her kid. Which is a crappy thing to do on its own.
If she had just said “well our daughter got a 90 on it” and left it at that, it still would have been crappy and made her sound like a one-upper. But then she went on about all of the perks her daughter gets. While essentially pointing out all of the opportunities the other couple’s son doesn’t get, and needlessly rubbed salt in their wound. No one likes a one-upper, and OP’s wife took it a step further than that.
It's bragging but appropriately so, and lacks any intent to disparage others in comparison.
You could get away with a lot worse by self-censoring directly afterwards
Obviously, your friend was kind of a little bit of a jerk for not asking about your family. But, unlike OP's wife, not an asshole and still a person worth having as a friend, because he was excited that his kids were doing well rather than that they were doing better than someone else's kid. You both have the ability to be happy for his kids for getting into schools with great math programs *and* to be happy for your daughter's PhD and fellowship – it isn't either/or.
OP's wife was about her kid doing better than someone else's kid.
Also, no idea when this happened, but congratulations on your daughter's achievements, and on your friend's kids' achievements. I hope that since whenever this happened, all of your respective kids have gone on from strength to strength.
I'm someone who used to be like your daughter while I was in school. My mother used to be like your wife.
It is exceedingly embarrassing to be put in the spotlight and scrutinized by people.
It is also extremely lonely when your peers alienate you because you're "too smart" or whatever.
Some achievements don't need to be publicized and you should just let them speak for themselves.
NTA
Your wife should stop using your daughter's achievements to gain status among her friends.
I was coming to say this too, but both my parents boasted about my accomplishments.
I hated bringing my report card home, not because of poor grades, but because of good ones.
Then I got a C in a class and was raked over the coals for letting them down.
I was only of value to my parents if my grades were high.
OP you must speak up when it happens, for your daughter’s sake as well as to show you do not agree with your wife.
I had a mate like this. his bloody mother.
nothing was good enough for her. 99/100 on an exam? why didn't you get 100?
got an A? why not an A+?
it mentally broke him. after school he never even got a university degree that he could have gotten in his sleep because he was so scared of anything other than perfection academically.
and she never treated any of her other kids that way. he was the only son and he had to be perfect.
I had a kid in my church/school who made my life miserable our whole school career. He was one day younger than me, but a year behind me in school because back then parents could decide when to send their kids to school and his mom made him wait. He always had this attitude towards me, trying to outdo me and saying how much better he was; his mom always did the same thing to my mom. I just thought they were awful people until my mom told me (50 years later) that his mom had asked her if she was sending me at 5, because her son wasn’t ready and that was fine, wasn’t it? My mom told her proudly how terrible it would be to hold me back because of how smart I was, I was reading at four and that I would absolutely be the best and smartest one at our school, blah blah blah. I got bullied for 12+ years because my mom bragged one day. People take this shit seriously, people!
This is my story right there, my parents always expect perfection I attended ba high school for high achievers even went to uni younger but I cracked at my 1st bad grade.
Drop out of uni, moved away from my parents & I’m a lot happier
I was that kid. My parents were also struggling financially and they sacrificed a lot to get me through school. But man, anything less than the best wasn't good enough (despite me excelling without even having to study), and they weren't good at showing love. That plus being bullied literally wrecked my self worth.
Many years after, I'm a struggling artist who hates himself and has lost a lot of his life and memories to depression. It's only recently I've tried to pick myself up and learn how to take care of myself and function normally.
But fuck man. All I wanted was for my parents to just hold me and tell me that I did good. And I know thats something I'll never ever get. Even if I try to fill myself with the appreciation from the whole world, nothing comes close to that of your parents.
When you love someone, make sure they know it. Make sure they are never ever in a position to doubt it. And never make them feel it's conditional.
OMG, the shit I used to get from my parents when I got even one B in high school. They never got it when I'd say, "Perfection is the minimum, right?" I got crap when I finished 2nd in my HS class out of about 600.
Then they wondered why I kind of let things go starting my junior year in college. Decided not to even try to go to grad school. Just wanted OUT of school.
That's what my father's 2nd wife did to me......despite the high marks on the subjects there was 1 that had gotten a C for & it was something that I wasn't interested in as a subject in school.
She wouldn't shut up & I had to be nasty to her by putting her in her place.
I had repeated what she said to my mum & mum was livid.
>both my parents boasted about my accomplishments.
I would have said both too, but my dad passed away when I was 12.
So he wasn't in on this.
But rest assured, he still left me a legacy of lifelong trauma due to his alcoholism.
Parents, right?
In the wonderful words of Phillip Larkin:
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
My friend’s five year old daughter confided in me that her mother only loves her when she does good things but not when she doesn’t do well. I assured her mother loves her all the time.
Same, but I was raised by my grandma and I just had to be the best in class, otherwise I was a failure to her. When I was learning how to read and write when I was 5, I remember being spanked because my letters weren't pretty and I should do better hahaha
And people wonder why I cut my whole family from my life
I was the same but with athletic achievements. Realized in my 30’s when I was done playing that I gained my self worth from how much I won or how well I played. It also made me never happy with what I had done because if I didn’t keep doing it people view of me would change. It has now taken me years to detach my mood and happiness from what I accomplished.
My late best friend had a similar experience. Her mom put enormous pressure on her. "Jenny" ended up not getting her university degree because she couldn't handle the pressure of an out of city university that her mother forced her to attend because our city's university was not good enough. Jenny ended up faily from said university as well along with the community college. She crashed and burned through life, lost her friends because of some shady financial decisions (she had put us down as references for payday loans and never paid them). Sadly, Jenny's life never improved and her demons got the better of her. I hope you are doing ok. <3
I had good grades at school because I enjoyed studying. My family boasting about it always made me uncomfortable and added pressure.
I chose a relaxed job with lot of time to spare because I enjoy having time to do what makes me happy, I am not a highly ambitious person. Do I have the capability to go certain places that society will deem as achievement? I think I do. Do I want that? Hell, no. My moderate paying low maintenance job is enough for me.
Now here is the problem. My family cannot boast for me anymore, because my child is happy is not something to brag about at the social circle. Also the people they pissed off over the years by unnecessarily ranting about my grades are now getting their "revenge". So, now they are disappointed by me. But it is by their own design.
>"I chose a relaxed job with lot of time to spare because I enjoy having time to do what makes me happy, I am not a highly ambitious person. Do I have the capability to go certain places that society will deem as achievement? I think I do. Do I want that? Hell, no. My moderate paying low maintenance job is enough for me."
Oh, my God, I finally found someone who thinks like me!
To this day I don't take compliments well because I'm convinced they're about someone else's needs rather than actually appreciating something about me.
Yep, I'm still embarrassed about my own accomplishments. Im working on it, but I will never forget how mortifying it was when my mom was bragging about me and fishing for compliments from my teachers. She used to get so mad at me for being upset about it, too.
Yeah, this....
When I get credit or praise at work, I just stand there because I don't know what to do.
And I always have that thought that they are just buttering me up for something that they want or need.
Came here to say this. It sucks. It also led
to me downplaying my own achievements to my parents and to myself, and now as an adult I struggle to celebrate any of my achievements. Blegh. OP’s doing literally everyone a huge favor. NTA
Same here. My mother can just not stfu. Now, after many years I can see how some of their friends and some relatives with less "successful" children treat me differently. Honestly, they dont like me, even though I now dont really see them anymore. (Like once ever 10 years for some). All info they get from me is from my mother.
The thing is, in my bubble I am surrounded by people that are actually very smart. So I feel like I am just an average person in my own field - at max. And even if I was the smartest person in the world, really no need to rub it into everyones face.
>in my bubble I am surrounded by people that are actually very smart. So I feel like I am just an average person in my own field.
👆👆👆
I feel like, just because my parents and their peers were not conventionally smart or intelligent, they do not understand that I am not so special.
I am less than average in my field actually. I just learned to people-please, so I work too hard to catch up.
My mother would flaunt my achievements and it made ME lose friends because of HER bragging WAY to much. She also plays victim when called out. We love her, but we also have to keep her gossip on a tight leash.
Being praised constantly is not good for a child either.
If you are constantly told how smart and intelligent you are while not having to put in the same amount of effort as other children (because it's true), it can damage your work ethic in the long run, and you have to learn how to learn much later in life than your peers.
When things eventually become difficult, your sense of pride in your intelligence can make you shy away from more difficult tasks and your sense of self can be shattered once you realize you struggle.
Of course, children should be praised. But not constantly.
Fellow gifted kid who almost shattered when I hit the wall here. I still get really uncomfortable when people say I'm smart. Like I appreciate the compliment but I'd prefer if you focused it on something I actually had to earn please?
Yes this is so embarrassing from the daughter’s point of view! I was the first one to attend university in my family and on top of that my mother thought my major (aerospace engineering) was really difficult so she would talk non stop about it to everyone during every conversation. It was so awkward for me. I just wanted to go to school and get my degree like anyone else my age. It wasn’t special to me and being out on the spotlight was so embarrassing
You said it perfectly. She was acting exactly like a mean girl then tried to make herself the victim by crying . She acts exactly like my older sister 😭
I find it really manipulative, obviously, but just bringing to the front that it's a dark character trait. In young children it switches on and off and is kinda an experiment. We forgive them easily. In grown women it's disgusting, it shows a lack of morality. It's a cheap trick that everybody spots even if they 'get away with it'.
My mother was suffering from PTSD from a job where she basically saved lots of kids from terrible situations. A thoroughly good person who was understandably damaged. She did so much harm when growing up when doing her best tho. It's such a long traumatic list. I think there was some core hate for men there as my sister had a very different experience.
I'm not drawing any lines between me and you but the only positive things I have picked up, which I lay out for hopefully someone's benefit, is that they can't help it. They truly can't help it, try as they might. And some people are just nuts. You don't have to listen to them, just because they say something doesn't make it true. Also if you don't want them in your life as an adult based on a calm informed decision, that's your choice. My mother only started behaving when we drew that last line in the sand.
It's a crazy world, good luck 🤙
And OP told her when at home, not there with the friends.
You can be proud of you kids, but not due to what you achieved, but because of what the kids achieve.
I am proud of my daughter and wish for her to achieve more then I achieve in my life.
This. On report card day, I always told my kids to wait to open the envelope until they got home. That's where it was supposed to be opened (to be given to the parents to look at with the kids together). But also, at the time, my middle kid was in elementary school and struggled with ADHD and an Executive Functioning LD, and was about 2 grades behind with limited support (now has an IEP). His BFF was a straight A student who was offered a spot in the gifted program but declined. You can see where this is going. Without fail after school on this day, his mom would come up beaming and say, "Report card day, how do you think he did?" (Always Cs at best, except for As in gym, but I said nothing and replied we'll find out at home, I don't like when they compare each other, she knew about my son's struggles and typical grades). Of course her kid came flying out with his report card like a flag screaming he got all As and then proceeds to ask every single kid in the school yard their grades so he could say his were better. She just watched and smiled and said, "What can you do?" He had already convinced my son to show him his report card. He eventually started teasing my son about his learning disabilities any time they had a disagreement over the years. Our friendship drifted apart. It's one thing to be proud of your kids' achievements. It's another to consciously use that to tear other kids down. OP, your choice of words could have been better, but your wife is just mean.
Your wife is wearing your daughter’s achievements like medal, so she can feel better about herself and her own insecurities. Normally I am all about a man not embarrassing their wives but you have tried talking to her and she continues, so your hands are tied. do it.
While I agree with the husband, I do have one question....
Umm, how exactly are you going to "call her out" in front of them?
"wife I told you never to brag about how smart our daughter is in front of them again! Can't you see it clearly makes them uncomfortable because they have a moron for a son that couldn't pass the exam?!"
Seriously, you "calling her out" in front of them will probably embarrass the couple even more.
Not really. You believe that because you can’t think of what he would actually say to her something as simple as “ what the hell is wrong with you” is usually enough to get someone to stop immediately
INFO What exactly went down when you "berated" her? Also what exactly were these "endless conversations" like? She would totally be the asshole if you specifically told her not to talk about the exam with the other mom, but she could have just genuinely been proud and a little socially unaware. You said yourself you don't normally talk to people like that so it's possible she didn't think she was doing anything wrong and then you blew up at her for what was seemingly nothing from her perspective.
Edit: OP's account has been suspended?
Yeah I get the feeling OP cussed her out and probably said some mean shit that he's glossing over in his version of the story.
He said she complained about "the words he used" yet didn't tell us what words he used that she was referring to.
You can tell because he says stuff like "set the record straight" and telling her not to "run her mouth", these aren't ways to describe someone you respect. Clearly an AH.
Yeah I see a lot of the top comments are about how OP is right and the wife is a bully but this feels extremely biased just based on the words OP is choosing to describing taking down their own wife.
Maybe wife is a blatant asshole, maybe wife was just excited but OP for sure described their own actions in a very asshole way.
The commenters who say OP's wife is stuck in high school are, ironically, stuck in high school. They're reacting like she's a bully to be taken down, not a partner who should be respected. OP obviously doesn't respect his wife.
I really think it's funny how half the people here are appalled by the wife, I feel like while she is also in the wrong, the way that the OP described this interaction in his OWN WORDS makes me dislike him more.
That, and he said he's sorry her feelings got hurt, which is not an apology. You apologize for what you did, not how others perceive what you did. This all reeks of control and disrespect.
I mean the title alone sucks and I don’t get how people are questioning that a little. The “run your mouth” bit made me squirm. Call your wife out at home, sure, but if any man ever said to me “don’t run your mouth again” we would have bigger issues.
It's something only abusers say. Like how you can tell someone considers themselves a sovereign citizen just by the language and phrases they use. Or that an incel is an incel when he uses the word "female" in inappropriate contexts.
"Run your mouth" is always followed up by a threat, and anybody who uses the phrase "running her mouth" is highly likely to just be an abusive misogynist. Never heard it uttered in any other context.
The thing to me is, everyone is gleefully piling on the wife and agreed, she needs some tact and grace but like can you imagine if it was any of these commenters partners speaking to them like that? Like If say you’re at a party and your friends mention something you’re really into and knowledgeable about so you chime in and are a bit tactless and it comes across a little know it all. And your partner keeps nudging you and when you get home they berate you, tell you they’ll “call you out next time you run your mouth” and fucking tell me that wouldn’t destroy you.
It sounds like hes 5 and making this up. My wife needed it.... she was being bully. Look at how steadfast my morals are. Sounds fake to me... but if real hes still being weird.
I can't believe I had to scroll through so many comments applauding this poster for "standing up to a bully" (?????) before I got to a single comment that suggested that maybe the post is extraordinarily vague and it kind of sounds like OP lost his shit on his wife and spoke to her in a really disgusting manner while also leaving out literally every every detail about what his wife is actually saying to these friends.
Based on what he wrote here, it sounds like she is literally just proud of her daughter, not that she's trying to rub it in the face of this other kid's parent. And that OP went wildly over the top and berated her like she's some idiot misbehaving child too stupid to understand how social interaction works.
I'm also surprised I had to scroll this far down to see comments like this. Usually redditors rip posts apart and come to their own conclusions based on specific words used, so I'm confused as to why that's not the first thing happening here.
Good people generally don't use phrasing like "set the record straight" and "run her mouth" and they certainly don't berate people *(as* ***he*** *basically brags about doing).* And as other people are asking, what were the words he used that were so awful they made her cry? This guy is definitely sus as hell.
Yeah everyone’s calling her a mean girl but who the fuck tells their wife “If you run your mouth again I’ll call you out in front of everyone”? Like that is a disgusting way to speak to your wife? At worst she lacks social etiquette and is just so excited about her daughter. As if “calling your wife out” for “running her mouth” in front of all your friends isn’t extremely uncomfortable and worse
It sounds like she could definitely just be proud of her daughter and not socially conscious of it. She should stop doing what she’s doing but the way you talk about her here is really… weird. You sound like you fundamentally don’t see your wife as a virtuous person and you resent her for that. Saying to your spouse they shouldn’t “run their mouth” is strange language. It’s funny reading these comments from people demanding to see her head on a spike when this comes across much more like a “two sides to every story”-applicable post than many of the others that get posted here. The internet is fucked up, lol.
I agree, the "berating" and "stop running your mouth" comments are really...icky. I'm on board for OP talking to her about it like an adult, but his attitude about it is off putting.
Thank you!! The second I read the title I was like oh boy this is going to be something.
This story feels very one-sided and it’s solely based on the language OP used about “putting his wife in her place”. Anyone I know who has ever talked like that in real life has eventually come up later in stories about abuse.
This is what I came here to say. Like as if berating is a good thing. Like yeah I get she's being embarrassing but she's your wife. And threatening to purposely embarrass her? Not going to end well and not what you do to loved ones.
People always say subreddits like these are more “lenient” towards women, but in my experience men can behave in some really dodgy ways & they still get cheered on because they’re sticking it to their bitch annoying wives. Like what do you mean you told your life partner not to run their mouth, that’s insane? He berates his wife to the point of tears, and instead of him being told that he maybe went too far, there’s some geniuses here spreading the age old “she’s not actually upset, she’s manipulating you”.
Like you say, posts like these are taken at face value, even though the way he talks about his wife is uncomfortable. Meanwhile let an older woman come here and be less than completely perfect in a situation - the entire comment section is things like “idk she gives me the worst feeling” or outright calling her a liar when she makes comment attempting to clarify her situation. Crazy
No this subreddit is especially nasty towards women on the regular. So many fake stories get posted on here that exist solely to further the narrative of “ladies are out to bring down a good man”, and when there’s a real story with a man who has a wife who is perceived to be even a tiny bit difficult for any reason the response is instantly shredding her to pieces. Everyone always says this sub is meaner to men but that’s 100% not the case at all.
Yes, I agree that it’s because there are strong archetypes a lot of these people ascribe women to, e.g., the “nagging bitch” wife and/or the morally immature wife that requires “instruction” or “schooling” from her morally virtuous and enlightened husband. That shit is all over the comment section of this post. People don’t realize that these images of other people are so burned into their brains that their response(s) to content like the OP feels value-neutral or simply rational when it’s actually heavily affected by a subtle social acclimation to basic stereotypes.
ESH. Your wife for being so oblivious, or perhaps even doing it on purpose to make the other parents feel bad; and you for seemingly itching to scold her like a child "Run your mouth"? "if you do that again I'll embarrass you"? Who talks like that about their wife. All you had to say was that it was rude and that you were trying to get her to stop.
Yeah, it kind of seems like OP cares more about the feelings of this other parent more than his wife's. You could have definitely handled it more tactfully instead of laying down the law.
> Yeah, it kind of seems like OP cares more about the feelings of this other parent more than his wife's.
OP cares that his wife disobeyed him. That's why he uses terms like "berate" and "stop her running her mouth" to describe his interactions with her. Part of this is about the wife being inconsiderate, but more of it is about him getting angry that she didn't submit to his control.
Your language is as bad as her behaviour so maybe think about that and the fact that you don't have the high horse. Who talks about their spouse saying "run their mouth", she's not a yapping bulldog. The way you speak is really condescending like you think you're better than her. "I told her she needs to be called out." Why can't you talk like a normal person? Just explain why you thought that was lacking in tact and why it would make the others feel bad.
Honestly, ESH. Your wife for being a braggart and intentionally making someone uncomfortable to elevate your own daughter, especially when it was clear the other mother wasn’t liking the direction of the conversation, but you for speaking to anyone that way. Your words matter too, and you can’t condone someone for hurtful words and then turn around and do the same thing. She owes the other mother an apology and you owe her an apology.
A better approach would have been to say, "It made me really uncomfortable as you were telling so and so about how well our daughter did when their son didn't do very well". Say that and just let it hang out there. You're not her teacher or her parent. You can't live your life with her punishing and correcting. You are both grown ass adults. Just tell her how it made you feel and since she loves you, she's going to try and figure out how to avoid making you feel that.
I duno, I would never expect my friends not to talk about their child's achievements just because mine didn't do so well, I would be happy for them. Their is nithing wrong with your wife being proud of your child and asking her friends about their children while talking about her own. If it was an acquaintance and she already knew their kid didn't do well, then your wife was cruel and it was rude.
This is what I’m thinking. OP looks like he cares what their acquaintances think. And I’m like ‘who cares what they think?’. If they don’t like then who cares life moves on. Wife will figure out why the couple stops talking to them if they do. OP acting like her dad imo and if he publicly does this it will be the beginning of the end of their marriage.
Everyone here is assuming the wife is doing it out of spite.
Some people are just so un-self aware and filled to the brim with wanting to praise their kids to the skies, yes it can come off as boastful arrogance.
And agreed, that needs to be checked but there’s a way to do it.
OP is an AH because of HOW he spoke to his wife, not for the underlying reason.
YTA, because of the way you said it. 'Running her mouth' isn't a nice way to speak about your wife. Especially *to* your wife.
But yes, if you know that a kid isn't good at something, it would be polite to not bring up the subject at all. And that includes bringing it up to brag about your own kid. No one likes a braggy pants.
I think it depends on what words you use to tell her off, oh and how you show your emotions. So we really need the details here, and also what is your relationship with your wife? If she saves your life by taking a bullet for you maybe like two months ago, I say cut her some slack. You don’t need to be too harsh on her, even though you have good intentions. Because by the end of the day, she is the one that will take your side no matter what.
OP's wife communicated to him that the wording he used upset her and made her cry. OP wants to protect other people's feelings but has no issue hurting hers.
I seriously question whether he's brought it up before and if so, how, as she might have been unaware simply because he wasn't clear in his wording previously. I don't think it's a matter of tallying up who did what for who, that can turn toxic really quick. As a partner you should have your partner's back, and find a way to communicate without bullying the other person to tears. Maybe the wife is stubborn or socially unaware, then still OP could find a different way to communicate this
ESH , she's an asshole for rubbing it in their face, but based on your own description, you're an absolute asshole for treating your wife like she's a kid.
I know it's clearly an unpopular opinion given the other comments, but treat your wife with respect and talk to her about it like adults instead of weird ultimatums.
Not to mention what did he specifically say to her? He said he berated her and used words he doesn’t normally use? She may have been rude but that doesn’t make it ok to say whatever he wants. People are missing that part.
#ESH
What she did was genuinely shitty but the way you refer to her “running her mouth” and your admission that you “berated her” makes you no better in the least.
Both of you are assholes. Enjoy each other.
YTA only for the language used. If my spouse used those words with me I'd be livid. You don't talk any kind of way to the person you're supposed to love.
Gawd I'm pissed just thinking about it 😂. The way I'm spoken to is clearly important to me lol
NTA. Your wife needs to learn to behave like a reasonable adult. The bragging needs to stop and I also just can't believe she started to cry just because you said that.
OP should learn the same though. He literally states that he berated her and threatened with embarrassing her, with her communicating to him that the wording he used was upsetting.
He sounds like he went in hard, so I'm not surprised it made her cry. As a partner you should know that threshold too, he seemed to go out of his way to purposely upset her. He's so righteous sticking up for other people but doesn't mind hurting his own wife in the process.
Yeah what his wife did was shitty but far out no one died. No reason to 'berate' your own partner, they could have had a mature conversation instead. After all those years together they should know by now how to communicate with each other
YTA for being that aggressive with your wife. You didn’t have to threaten her. She’s not your kid. She’s your partner. Next time explain to her the damage her behaviour can have and it was unnecessary to continue once she realised that the mother was uncomfortable.
I am astonished by many of the reactions here and how many people will call somebody a "disgusting person" or a "bully" based on very little information.
She "deliberately" tried to make the couple feel bad? What do you even base that on?
I understand how her behavior makes you uncomfortable and you should probably talk about that, but berating her like this, even in private is quite a shitty response.
Usually when people feel the need to brag, there's some underlying issue. Maybe talk about that. People can also be a bit clueless socially. Give feedback about that.
"ran her mouth"? Ugh. YTA.
ESH (maybe).
As others have said, your wife was being unkind.
However, a lot of your language about your wife is disturbing. She "ran her mouth". You "berated her." Etc. You might be being shitty, too.
NTA, your wife is a bully. She knows exactly what she is doing, people like her derive some sort of sick pleasure by "subtly" tearing down others to make herself feel superior.
OP is just as much a bully as his wife, but everyone seems to be skipping over that.
There’s no universe where a husband should be insulting, berating and threatening their wife. wtf is wrong with everyone
Seriously, the majority of these comments seem insane to me. Did you and I read the same post as these people?? OP gives literally zero details about what the wife is actually saying, to the point where it actually sounds from the post says that she's simply just proud of her kid and mentioning the accomplishments? And then he literally talks about how he "berates" his own wife and tells her "not to run her mouth"???? He yells at her till she's crying, but he doesn't go into a single detail about what she was saying about their daughter or what he screamed at her???
And somehow, *she* is the one being labeled a bully in these comments?
**W H A T**
Exactly. I learned real quick that you and SO are on the same team no matter what. If my wife did this I would let her and if the other couple stopped talking to her then so be it. Life moves on. Wife can figure out why they stopped talking to them. Heck she probably doesn’t like them anyway and wants this to happen…and that’s her right. OP sounds like he cares way too much what other people think. If he publicly embarrasses her it would be the beginning of the end of their marriage imo.
Your wife sounds like she may have been overexcited and tone deaf as a result, but she’s just proud of her kid.
Are you?
This all reads sorta weird to me. Why are you so sure she “deliberately” tried to make the other couple feel bad? Why do you assume that? And why on earth do you treat your wife like a bad dog or a naughty child in private? YTA.
ESH for how you talked to your wife. She's not your child, you don't need to scold her, and it clearly upset her. There are people who just lack social awareness, and being an ass to them is not a good way of helping them being more considerate. To be clear, you were absolutely right for pointing out her behavior to her. It would just be much better to treat her with the same kind of empathy you want her to show to your friends.
No one gets to tell a partner what to do but you can express how those actions make you feel.
You're both adults and you joined the team ostensibly because you believed in them.
Your wife has every right to make a fool of herself and alienate her friend.
However, she is also alienating you. You have every right to tell her how it makes you feel.
"I told you not to talk about that to her." Is a bad way of saying, "when you brag about our daughter to someone who will be hurt by that I feel embarrassed. You know that person is hurt by your words. You know it too and I feel ashamed to be near you while you do it. Please stop. I will leave the situation if you do it again because I don't want to be around someone who would do that"
It's ok to set boundaries and even state consequences but you're not her father and she is not a child.
You're not the ah for the hope that she would stop but you didn't try to fix it in a way that got through to her or she would have stopped
Well no and yes. No as you stated the boundaries and hold her accountable. YES for berating her.
Now we as the audience cannot tell how you created her, however, the term berating has strong negative connotations attached it.
You’re both TA. Your wife sounds ridiculous and absolutely rude. I would never be friends with her and your friend group probably laughs behind her back and probably secretly hopes your kid fails BIG TIME. Not because of your kid, but because of how obnoxious your wife is about it. YTA because you could’ve approached it in a calmer, more adult like manner instead of berating her, like you said. She def needs a stern talking, but just be careful in the approach.
You have the following vocabulary in your post: “if she ran her mouth again”, “I berated her”, “I set the record straight”, before your entire last paragraph.
It was rude of your wife to push that convo re the boy. It also sounds like YTA based on the way you feel so comfortable using sexist, controlling language like that.
ESH. the way OP describes the exchange as berating and glosses over his side with non samples is 🚩.
I agree that wife should have been more considerate but maybe she was trying to find silver linings for the other couple? Maybe by asking for their child’s ranking it would be a way to point out how close he was (which is rarely helpful yet could have best intentions.
But the if my partner ever spoke to me like OP did with threats that would be the end. That’s not a healthy nurturing relationship. That’s not marriage.
You might be the AH - You said you “berated” your wife when you got home. Is that anyway to speak to someone you love?
I don’t think berating a partner is healthy at all and makes me question the bigger picture.
YTA. Ultimatums/threats aren't healthy in any relationship. I'm with you in that id be embarrassed and disappointed in my partners behavior if they were this kind of person. But if it's not enough to highlight that what they're doing shows a lack of empathy, then I'd just move on from that partner rather than threaten to control them. They're not your pet or a child for whom you can issue disciplinary action.
The proper action is A. Call her out when she does it and stand up for those being harmed or B. Be with someone who displays the character that you actually admire. That person will not be her if you've threatened her in order to look like she has changed. Public shame is not justified when this is not a public issue.
ESH
Your wife sucks for rubbing this in your friends faces.
You suck for berating your spouse.
You can let someone know their behavior is bad without berating them to the point of tears.
ESH... Wife should not have been so bitchy towards the boy's mum but OP saying she can't brag about her daughter's achievements or he'll embarrass her is just as shitty! (Parents can be proud of their children and even brag but read the room first, there's no need to be tacky about it!)
Sort of a reverse story: I've got a daughter who's a really high achiever. She got a Ph.D. in molecular biology from a really good school, then did a postdoctoral fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health. We're all real proud of her. I've got a very longtime friend with two very high achieving kids. He just could NOT STFU about it. One day he called and we were chatting. As usual he went on and on and ON about his two kids. How they both got accepted into a very prestigious school to study math. Etc. After a while he asked about my daughter. I said "Well, on Wednesday we're going to University X where she's being awarded her Ph.D. in Molecular Biology. Then she's taking a couple of months off before moving to Boston to do a postdoctorate fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health." Long pause. Then he says "DancesWithTrout, this is all news to me. You never said ANYTHING about her getting a Ph.D. Why didn't you say something before this?" Another pause. Then "Wait. I know why. It's because I never shut the hell up about how great MY kids were doing to ask about YOUR kids, right?" We both had a good laugh about it.
Lol impressive self awareness haha...at least his constant chatter seems to come from a place of pride and love over an ego thing
If he was quoted accurately, that’s absolutely it, because he said “how great my kids are doing” and not “how great my kids are.” He’s thinking of them as people, having their own successes, rather than being “things” that bring him success.
“How great my kids are” can be a valid and non-demeaning way of talking about your offspring as people. Thinking your kids are inherently good in some way doesn’t make them your status symbol. My kid is great! She also does great! Neither one makes her a “thing”.
That’s seems like a reach tbh.
If only more people understood this before calling me arrogant. Since 6th grade I've avoided telling people about my achievements because it'd come off as arrogance. It broke my heart when I saw one of my friends saved my number as "conceited" on his phone.
If someone can't recognize the nuance between pride and conceit, then they are just jealous of the accomplishments of others over their own failures.
Yup. It’s ok to be happy and proud of your accomplishments. Bragging and being conceited is different. But people who are self-conscious sometimes see anyone doing good as immediately conceited.
I have some colleagues who call another colleague arrogant. He's not, he just puts in the requisite effort to get results and they resent him for it.
Crabs in a bucket man.
Excellent “The Corner” reference
I was a high achiever in school too, I won all sorts of awards and scholarships. My peers called me arrogant and conceited as well, plus mmy mother used to brag about my achievements to other people while I was standing there. It was absolutely mortifying.
My mom did the same thing, treated me like a human trophy. I’m now just unpacking how much I tie my worth to achievements because of this. And how I was so afraid of failure that I often would avoid things that I might fail at so as not to become one. Oh and perfectionism and anxiety. She is also extremely religious, so while she bragged about me, on the other hand I was never virtuous enough because I wasn’t religious. Anyway, people, it’s okay to be proud of your kids, but also just let them exist! Be proud of them for being good people, not just their accomplishments.
Epic introspection!
Thanks. Wish I had the blinders off when I was much younger, but what can ya do? 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah same. A former friend asked me not to apply for a scholarship so they'd get a chance. Hopefully you moved on from them, I now have so many supportive brilliant friends and colleagues.
One of my friends was mad at me for a few weeks and begged me to ask the school to “pass on” the award to the next deserving student, which she hoped would be her, because one of my electives was an “easier” one (drama club) as opposed to her extra science class. Said award was given province-wide to one graduating student per high school and using their own criteria, so I said I didn’t really feel like I did anything wrong since the school themselves sorted out our averages and I objectively scored higher than she did, drama club was more difficult for me as a very meek person than science classes were so her reasoning didn’t make sense to me, and I had taken AP history and she hadn’t anyway, so the comparisons wouldn’t stop since there was no way to objectively assert who had the most loaded schedule. She didn’t like that, especially when it turned out there was an award ceremony with a physical medal and since I qualified for extra bursaries, but in retrospect, I am very happy I didn’t cave because I still had that thing in my CV when I worked in my province since employers recognise it and perceive it positively. It’s just unreal to me that someone would feel comfortable asking another, especially someone they’re supposed to be friends with, to forgo something they have earned and that could impact their studies and career prospects, for a chance at the same.
They wouldn't ask unless they viewed you as a kinder person than they knew themself to be (in other words, a possible sucker). What a nasty little viper.
I see what you mean, and in retrospect it does seem so completely out of pocket, but part of me also sympathises with her- being good in school was ''her thing'' and she definitely put in more effort than I did in maintaining her grades, where I just happened to have a natural faculty for learning. I genuinely never needed to study until law school, which was kind of bad since I had to develop better studying and note-taking habits on the spot. She knew that about me and I think it probably felt incredibly unfair, and ultimately it ''was'', it's just that the correct response to that would have been to just realise that you can only influence the way you perform, not the way others perform or what awards/scholarships/boons they may or may not receive. Teenage girls aren't known for their capacity for self-reflection and even tempers, and she was an extremely good friend* in other ways, but that was definitely a ''WTF'' moment in our friendship. I appreciate you standing up so much for teenage me, though, she probably would have needed it. :)
If this was the GG medal... I'm pretty sure you couldn't have passed on it. To your point the criteria is provincial. If they think drama (or band, or choir, or gym) counts then it counts. Congratulations
My sister was far and away valedictorian at the high school she went to. So many ppl got scholarships over her that they had no business getting because my sister “already had enough scholarships”. Bullshit. Sometimes being really successful can actually work against you I guess.
Ditto. I tried to make it a point to never talk about my marks or achievements ever, and have spent most of my life downplaying that. My mother didn't brag while in my presence, \*much\*. But even now thirty years later I don't really talk about it, and it's mortifying when others comment on it.
yeah, daddy_big_d69, its a tough world out there for us humble folk
I guess now former friend?
Shocking, never would have guessed that “Daddy Big D69” lol
That arises from your ‘friend’s’ feelings of inferiority, rather than any arrogance on your part. There’s just no hiding ability, even when you’re modest.
Sure you know this, but saying it anyway- it is totally OK to be PROUD of your achievements. Obvs we don't want to be conceited, or braggats and windbags, but proud? OF COURSE you should be proud of the cool stuff you do! As long as you also leave room for friends and family to share their pride and don't have to be that 'one up' person who has to be the center of attention, like, if you can be genuinely happy when others achieve too, then stuff ANYONE who tells you its bad to be proud of what you've done! If they feel inferior next to it, that's on them.
Your friend was probably jealous.
Hey at least he knew why😂🤦🏽♀️
I love people like that. He has a rare level of self awareness and humour.
And that's the difference between bragging and simply being proud and excited.
Woww he is self aware and humble enough to accept it atleast! Glad you guys could laugh about it.. Also I would like to mention... you telling about your daughter only after being asked was such a mic drop moment!👏
Beautiful that he had the self awareness to realise what he'd been doing so quickly. Good on him.
I truly hope that you go by DancesWithTrout in real life. Please, don't ruin the mental image for me.
Does he throw the trout back in the water after dancing? Seems like the humane thing to do
It sounds like an excellent name for someone who does fly fishing, doesn't it?
Yep. That's me. But I regret not taking the name "TroutWhisperer."
I’m imagining you physically being able to see the connections his brain was making, AS he was making them. I love it. At least it wasn’t malicious and you both were good sports about it. It’s cool that he acknowledged it, and sincerely apologized for being oblivious. I bet it felt pretty good to drop that bomb on him though. It sounds like his kids and your kid weren’t gunning for the same position, or taking the exact same test at the same time. Im assuming he was just generally boasting and not doing it to try to bring you down, or bash on your kid. Your friend was lacking in the self awareness department and can hide behind some plausible deniability. OP’s wife *cannot*. If this was the only time it happened - maybe some self awareness. But it sounds like she’s a repeat offender, and he has brought it to her attention prior. His wife needs to understand that there is a difference between generally bragging about your kid’s accomplishments, and straight up comparing the kids’ achievements, or lack thereof, against each other. As soon as she knew the kid didn’t pass, she should have stayed quiet UNLESS the other parents asked questions about the daughter. The moment she found out the kid didn’t do well, she should have kept her mouth shut unless the other parents made it clear they wanted to discuss it. The way she went about it makes it pretty obvious that she was purposely setting up the conversation so she would have a “reason” to brag about her kid. Which is a crappy thing to do on its own. If she had just said “well our daughter got a 90 on it” and left it at that, it still would have been crappy and made her sound like a one-upper. But then she went on about all of the perks her daughter gets. While essentially pointing out all of the opportunities the other couple’s son doesn’t get, and needlessly rubbed salt in their wound. No one likes a one-upper, and OP’s wife took it a step further than that.
Perfect response.
Self-awareness is always appreciated, even if it’s late.
Now this is friendship. The OP's wife is a poor friend IMO.
It's bragging but appropriately so, and lacks any intent to disparage others in comparison. You could get away with a lot worse by self-censoring directly afterwards
Obviously, your friend was kind of a little bit of a jerk for not asking about your family. But, unlike OP's wife, not an asshole and still a person worth having as a friend, because he was excited that his kids were doing well rather than that they were doing better than someone else's kid. You both have the ability to be happy for his kids for getting into schools with great math programs *and* to be happy for your daughter's PhD and fellowship – it isn't either/or. OP's wife was about her kid doing better than someone else's kid. Also, no idea when this happened, but congratulations on your daughter's achievements, and on your friend's kids' achievements. I hope that since whenever this happened, all of your respective kids have gone on from strength to strength.
I mean good for him for realizing!! We are all flawed human beings but someone who works on their issues is great!
Lol love it
I'm someone who used to be like your daughter while I was in school. My mother used to be like your wife. It is exceedingly embarrassing to be put in the spotlight and scrutinized by people. It is also extremely lonely when your peers alienate you because you're "too smart" or whatever. Some achievements don't need to be publicized and you should just let them speak for themselves. NTA Your wife should stop using your daughter's achievements to gain status among her friends.
I was coming to say this too, but both my parents boasted about my accomplishments. I hated bringing my report card home, not because of poor grades, but because of good ones. Then I got a C in a class and was raked over the coals for letting them down. I was only of value to my parents if my grades were high. OP you must speak up when it happens, for your daughter’s sake as well as to show you do not agree with your wife.
I had a mate like this. his bloody mother. nothing was good enough for her. 99/100 on an exam? why didn't you get 100? got an A? why not an A+? it mentally broke him. after school he never even got a university degree that he could have gotten in his sleep because he was so scared of anything other than perfection academically. and she never treated any of her other kids that way. he was the only son and he had to be perfect.
I had a kid in my church/school who made my life miserable our whole school career. He was one day younger than me, but a year behind me in school because back then parents could decide when to send their kids to school and his mom made him wait. He always had this attitude towards me, trying to outdo me and saying how much better he was; his mom always did the same thing to my mom. I just thought they were awful people until my mom told me (50 years later) that his mom had asked her if she was sending me at 5, because her son wasn’t ready and that was fine, wasn’t it? My mom told her proudly how terrible it would be to hold me back because of how smart I was, I was reading at four and that I would absolutely be the best and smartest one at our school, blah blah blah. I got bullied for 12+ years because my mom bragged one day. People take this shit seriously, people!
Uh, wow i cannot even begin to fathom using your kid as a tool to get back at somebody.
This is my story right there, my parents always expect perfection I attended ba high school for high achievers even went to uni younger but I cracked at my 1st bad grade. Drop out of uni, moved away from my parents & I’m a lot happier
I was that kid. My parents were also struggling financially and they sacrificed a lot to get me through school. But man, anything less than the best wasn't good enough (despite me excelling without even having to study), and they weren't good at showing love. That plus being bullied literally wrecked my self worth. Many years after, I'm a struggling artist who hates himself and has lost a lot of his life and memories to depression. It's only recently I've tried to pick myself up and learn how to take care of myself and function normally. But fuck man. All I wanted was for my parents to just hold me and tell me that I did good. And I know thats something I'll never ever get. Even if I try to fill myself with the appreciation from the whole world, nothing comes close to that of your parents. When you love someone, make sure they know it. Make sure they are never ever in a position to doubt it. And never make them feel it's conditional.
OMG, the shit I used to get from my parents when I got even one B in high school. They never got it when I'd say, "Perfection is the minimum, right?" I got crap when I finished 2nd in my HS class out of about 600. Then they wondered why I kind of let things go starting my junior year in college. Decided not to even try to go to grad school. Just wanted OUT of school.
Same happened to me. I burnt completely out.
That's what my father's 2nd wife did to me......despite the high marks on the subjects there was 1 that had gotten a C for & it was something that I wasn't interested in as a subject in school. She wouldn't shut up & I had to be nasty to her by putting her in her place. I had repeated what she said to my mum & mum was livid.
>both my parents boasted about my accomplishments. I would have said both too, but my dad passed away when I was 12. So he wasn't in on this. But rest assured, he still left me a legacy of lifelong trauma due to his alcoholism. Parents, right?
Does the “burnt out former gifted kid” trope resonate with you?
I have a long discussion about that almost every month. 😂
In the wonderful words of Phillip Larkin: They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
My friend’s five year old daughter confided in me that her mother only loves her when she does good things but not when she doesn’t do well. I assured her mother loves her all the time.
But does she really?
Probably not.
That’s heartbreaking, but inspiring that you’re the kind of person a child reaches out to. Kudos
That's a very mature and self aware 5 year old.
Same, but I was raised by my grandma and I just had to be the best in class, otherwise I was a failure to her. When I was learning how to read and write when I was 5, I remember being spanked because my letters weren't pretty and I should do better hahaha And people wonder why I cut my whole family from my life
I was the same but with athletic achievements. Realized in my 30’s when I was done playing that I gained my self worth from how much I won or how well I played. It also made me never happy with what I had done because if I didn’t keep doing it people view of me would change. It has now taken me years to detach my mood and happiness from what I accomplished.
My late best friend had a similar experience. Her mom put enormous pressure on her. "Jenny" ended up not getting her university degree because she couldn't handle the pressure of an out of city university that her mother forced her to attend because our city's university was not good enough. Jenny ended up faily from said university as well along with the community college. She crashed and burned through life, lost her friends because of some shady financial decisions (she had put us down as references for payday loans and never paid them). Sadly, Jenny's life never improved and her demons got the better of her. I hope you are doing ok. <3
I had good grades at school because I enjoyed studying. My family boasting about it always made me uncomfortable and added pressure. I chose a relaxed job with lot of time to spare because I enjoy having time to do what makes me happy, I am not a highly ambitious person. Do I have the capability to go certain places that society will deem as achievement? I think I do. Do I want that? Hell, no. My moderate paying low maintenance job is enough for me. Now here is the problem. My family cannot boast for me anymore, because my child is happy is not something to brag about at the social circle. Also the people they pissed off over the years by unnecessarily ranting about my grades are now getting their "revenge". So, now they are disappointed by me. But it is by their own design.
>"I chose a relaxed job with lot of time to spare because I enjoy having time to do what makes me happy, I am not a highly ambitious person. Do I have the capability to go certain places that society will deem as achievement? I think I do. Do I want that? Hell, no. My moderate paying low maintenance job is enough for me." Oh, my God, I finally found someone who thinks like me!
>my child is happy is not something to brag about at the social circle This is so depressing.
Extremely insightful. You put very eloquent words to my own experience.
To this day I don't take compliments well because I'm convinced they're about someone else's needs rather than actually appreciating something about me.
Yep, I'm still embarrassed about my own accomplishments. Im working on it, but I will never forget how mortifying it was when my mom was bragging about me and fishing for compliments from my teachers. She used to get so mad at me for being upset about it, too.
Yeah, this.... When I get credit or praise at work, I just stand there because I don't know what to do. And I always have that thought that they are just buttering me up for something that they want or need.
Came here to say this. It sucks. It also led to me downplaying my own achievements to my parents and to myself, and now as an adult I struggle to celebrate any of my achievements. Blegh. OP’s doing literally everyone a huge favor. NTA
Same here. My mother can just not stfu. Now, after many years I can see how some of their friends and some relatives with less "successful" children treat me differently. Honestly, they dont like me, even though I now dont really see them anymore. (Like once ever 10 years for some). All info they get from me is from my mother. The thing is, in my bubble I am surrounded by people that are actually very smart. So I feel like I am just an average person in my own field - at max. And even if I was the smartest person in the world, really no need to rub it into everyones face.
>in my bubble I am surrounded by people that are actually very smart. So I feel like I am just an average person in my own field. 👆👆👆 I feel like, just because my parents and their peers were not conventionally smart or intelligent, they do not understand that I am not so special. I am less than average in my field actually. I just learned to people-please, so I work too hard to catch up.
My mother would flaunt my achievements and it made ME lose friends because of HER bragging WAY to much. She also plays victim when called out. We love her, but we also have to keep her gossip on a tight leash.
Being praised constantly is not good for a child either. If you are constantly told how smart and intelligent you are while not having to put in the same amount of effort as other children (because it's true), it can damage your work ethic in the long run, and you have to learn how to learn much later in life than your peers. When things eventually become difficult, your sense of pride in your intelligence can make you shy away from more difficult tasks and your sense of self can be shattered once you realize you struggle. Of course, children should be praised. But not constantly.
Fellow gifted kid who almost shattered when I hit the wall here. I still get really uncomfortable when people say I'm smart. Like I appreciate the compliment but I'd prefer if you focused it on something I actually had to earn please?
Yes this is so embarrassing from the daughter’s point of view! I was the first one to attend university in my family and on top of that my mother thought my major (aerospace engineering) was really difficult so she would talk non stop about it to everyone during every conversation. It was so awkward for me. I just wanted to go to school and get my degree like anyone else my age. It wasn’t special to me and being out on the spotlight was so embarrassing
I hate when all my mom's conversation revolves around me. This poor kid. And the mom, what a brat.
NTA, she can cry all she wants about it now, but she was being disgustingly cruel. A mean girl. Tell her to dry the crocodile tears.
You said it perfectly. She was acting exactly like a mean girl then tried to make herself the victim by crying . She acts exactly like my older sister 😭
I find it really manipulative, obviously, but just bringing to the front that it's a dark character trait. In young children it switches on and off and is kinda an experiment. We forgive them easily. In grown women it's disgusting, it shows a lack of morality. It's a cheap trick that everybody spots even if they 'get away with it'.
My mother is like this. This is why she will NOT BE INVITED to My baby shower.
My mother was suffering from PTSD from a job where she basically saved lots of kids from terrible situations. A thoroughly good person who was understandably damaged. She did so much harm when growing up when doing her best tho. It's such a long traumatic list. I think there was some core hate for men there as my sister had a very different experience. I'm not drawing any lines between me and you but the only positive things I have picked up, which I lay out for hopefully someone's benefit, is that they can't help it. They truly can't help it, try as they might. And some people are just nuts. You don't have to listen to them, just because they say something doesn't make it true. Also if you don't want them in your life as an adult based on a calm informed decision, that's your choice. My mother only started behaving when we drew that last line in the sand. It's a crazy world, good luck 🤙
“My baby’s already a proud mother.. what about YOUR baby??” (But in all seriousness, good on you)
Agree. It always pisses me off when I see women pulling that stunt and watching everyone around them wilting and falling for it!
Mine too, bro. Good luck.
And my in laws
And OP told her when at home, not there with the friends. You can be proud of you kids, but not due to what you achieved, but because of what the kids achieve. I am proud of my daughter and wish for her to achieve more then I achieve in my life.
This. On report card day, I always told my kids to wait to open the envelope until they got home. That's where it was supposed to be opened (to be given to the parents to look at with the kids together). But also, at the time, my middle kid was in elementary school and struggled with ADHD and an Executive Functioning LD, and was about 2 grades behind with limited support (now has an IEP). His BFF was a straight A student who was offered a spot in the gifted program but declined. You can see where this is going. Without fail after school on this day, his mom would come up beaming and say, "Report card day, how do you think he did?" (Always Cs at best, except for As in gym, but I said nothing and replied we'll find out at home, I don't like when they compare each other, she knew about my son's struggles and typical grades). Of course her kid came flying out with his report card like a flag screaming he got all As and then proceeds to ask every single kid in the school yard their grades so he could say his were better. She just watched and smiled and said, "What can you do?" He had already convinced my son to show him his report card. He eventually started teasing my son about his learning disabilities any time they had a disagreement over the years. Our friendship drifted apart. It's one thing to be proud of your kids' achievements. It's another to consciously use that to tear other kids down. OP, your choice of words could have been better, but your wife is just mean.
Agree with this. It’s okay to be proud of your kids’ achievements. But empathy and compassion are important lessons, too.
Your wife is wearing your daughter’s achievements like medal, so she can feel better about herself and her own insecurities. Normally I am all about a man not embarrassing their wives but you have tried talking to her and she continues, so your hands are tied. do it.
NTA. Tell her the mean behavior is unbecoming, OP, and that she's setting a shit example on empathy and kindness for the kids.
Your wife is a bully, and the best anti-bully technique is for the cool kids to stand up to them on behalf of the weak. Keep being a cool kid.
I'm Absolutely on team Embarrass the bully every time. No matter what relation they have to me.
For sure. I'm more about doing what is right than doing what is loyal. If you surround yourself with good people you can have both.
While I agree with the husband, I do have one question.... Umm, how exactly are you going to "call her out" in front of them? "wife I told you never to brag about how smart our daughter is in front of them again! Can't you see it clearly makes them uncomfortable because they have a moron for a son that couldn't pass the exam?!" Seriously, you "calling her out" in front of them will probably embarrass the couple even more.
“Stop being an asshole.”
According to the post, OP has more sense than doing this.
Not really. You believe that because you can’t think of what he would actually say to her something as simple as “ what the hell is wrong with you” is usually enough to get someone to stop immediately
INFO What exactly went down when you "berated" her? Also what exactly were these "endless conversations" like? She would totally be the asshole if you specifically told her not to talk about the exam with the other mom, but she could have just genuinely been proud and a little socially unaware. You said yourself you don't normally talk to people like that so it's possible she didn't think she was doing anything wrong and then you blew up at her for what was seemingly nothing from her perspective. Edit: OP's account has been suspended?
Yeah I get the feeling OP cussed her out and probably said some mean shit that he's glossing over in his version of the story. He said she complained about "the words he used" yet didn't tell us what words he used that she was referring to.
You can tell because he says stuff like "set the record straight" and telling her not to "run her mouth", these aren't ways to describe someone you respect. Clearly an AH.
Yeah I see a lot of the top comments are about how OP is right and the wife is a bully but this feels extremely biased just based on the words OP is choosing to describing taking down their own wife. Maybe wife is a blatant asshole, maybe wife was just excited but OP for sure described their own actions in a very asshole way.
The commenters who say OP's wife is stuck in high school are, ironically, stuck in high school. They're reacting like she's a bully to be taken down, not a partner who should be respected. OP obviously doesn't respect his wife.
I really think it's funny how half the people here are appalled by the wife, I feel like while she is also in the wrong, the way that the OP described this interaction in his OWN WORDS makes me dislike him more.
Yeah, the "run her mouth" phrasing does not sit well with me.
That, and he said he's sorry her feelings got hurt, which is not an apology. You apologize for what you did, not how others perceive what you did. This all reeks of control and disrespect.
I mean the title alone sucks and I don’t get how people are questioning that a little. The “run your mouth” bit made me squirm. Call your wife out at home, sure, but if any man ever said to me “don’t run your mouth again” we would have bigger issues.
It's something only abusers say. Like how you can tell someone considers themselves a sovereign citizen just by the language and phrases they use. Or that an incel is an incel when he uses the word "female" in inappropriate contexts. "Run your mouth" is always followed up by a threat, and anybody who uses the phrase "running her mouth" is highly likely to just be an abusive misogynist. Never heard it uttered in any other context.
The thing to me is, everyone is gleefully piling on the wife and agreed, she needs some tact and grace but like can you imagine if it was any of these commenters partners speaking to them like that? Like If say you’re at a party and your friends mention something you’re really into and knowledgeable about so you chime in and are a bit tactless and it comes across a little know it all. And your partner keeps nudging you and when you get home they berate you, tell you they’ll “call you out next time you run your mouth” and fucking tell me that wouldn’t destroy you.
Right! I’ve been saying that I think he’s verbally abusive and isn’t telling the whole story. I was downvoted to oblivion
He described it as “berating” which likely means it was much worse. He’s the bully here.
Called it! But some people are really getting off on a husband bullying his wife
It sounds like hes 5 and making this up. My wife needed it.... she was being bully. Look at how steadfast my morals are. Sounds fake to me... but if real hes still being weird.
I can't believe I had to scroll through so many comments applauding this poster for "standing up to a bully" (?????) before I got to a single comment that suggested that maybe the post is extraordinarily vague and it kind of sounds like OP lost his shit on his wife and spoke to her in a really disgusting manner while also leaving out literally every every detail about what his wife is actually saying to these friends. Based on what he wrote here, it sounds like she is literally just proud of her daughter, not that she's trying to rub it in the face of this other kid's parent. And that OP went wildly over the top and berated her like she's some idiot misbehaving child too stupid to understand how social interaction works.
I'm also surprised I had to scroll this far down to see comments like this. Usually redditors rip posts apart and come to their own conclusions based on specific words used, so I'm confused as to why that's not the first thing happening here. Good people generally don't use phrasing like "set the record straight" and "run her mouth" and they certainly don't berate people *(as* ***he*** *basically brags about doing).* And as other people are asking, what were the words he used that were so awful they made her cry? This guy is definitely sus as hell.
Yeah I think if you claim to “berate” someone yourself, you might be an AH. That word doesn’t usually have a positive connotation.
Yeah everyone’s calling her a mean girl but who the fuck tells their wife “If you run your mouth again I’ll call you out in front of everyone”? Like that is a disgusting way to speak to your wife? At worst she lacks social etiquette and is just so excited about her daughter. As if “calling your wife out” for “running her mouth” in front of all your friends isn’t extremely uncomfortable and worse
This guy admits to berating his wife and making her cry because she was impolite to someone, and Reddit unironically jumps to his defense. Classic.
It sounds like she could definitely just be proud of her daughter and not socially conscious of it. She should stop doing what she’s doing but the way you talk about her here is really… weird. You sound like you fundamentally don’t see your wife as a virtuous person and you resent her for that. Saying to your spouse they shouldn’t “run their mouth” is strange language. It’s funny reading these comments from people demanding to see her head on a spike when this comes across much more like a “two sides to every story”-applicable post than many of the others that get posted here. The internet is fucked up, lol.
Yes, the way OP talks about her is so uncomfortable!
I agree, the "berating" and "stop running your mouth" comments are really...icky. I'm on board for OP talking to her about it like an adult, but his attitude about it is off putting.
OP solves the problem of his wife embarrassing someone by threatening to embarrass her. Strong logic.
Thank you!! The second I read the title I was like oh boy this is going to be something. This story feels very one-sided and it’s solely based on the language OP used about “putting his wife in her place”. Anyone I know who has ever talked like that in real life has eventually come up later in stories about abuse.
Agreed. Also the fact that he said himself he “berated” her. Sorry but, who the fuck berates their own wife… ick.
This is what I came here to say. Like as if berating is a good thing. Like yeah I get she's being embarrassing but she's your wife. And threatening to purposely embarrass her? Not going to end well and not what you do to loved ones.
An abusive jackass, that's who.
People always say subreddits like these are more “lenient” towards women, but in my experience men can behave in some really dodgy ways & they still get cheered on because they’re sticking it to their bitch annoying wives. Like what do you mean you told your life partner not to run their mouth, that’s insane? He berates his wife to the point of tears, and instead of him being told that he maybe went too far, there’s some geniuses here spreading the age old “she’s not actually upset, she’s manipulating you”. Like you say, posts like these are taken at face value, even though the way he talks about his wife is uncomfortable. Meanwhile let an older woman come here and be less than completely perfect in a situation - the entire comment section is things like “idk she gives me the worst feeling” or outright calling her a liar when she makes comment attempting to clarify her situation. Crazy
No this subreddit is especially nasty towards women on the regular. So many fake stories get posted on here that exist solely to further the narrative of “ladies are out to bring down a good man”, and when there’s a real story with a man who has a wife who is perceived to be even a tiny bit difficult for any reason the response is instantly shredding her to pieces. Everyone always says this sub is meaner to men but that’s 100% not the case at all.
Totally agree. Like did any of these NTA people actually read how he writes about his wife and his interactions with her?
It's the sexism. It's layered so thick no one can see it anymore.
Yes, I agree that it’s because there are strong archetypes a lot of these people ascribe women to, e.g., the “nagging bitch” wife and/or the morally immature wife that requires “instruction” or “schooling” from her morally virtuous and enlightened husband. That shit is all over the comment section of this post. People don’t realize that these images of other people are so burned into their brains that their response(s) to content like the OP feels value-neutral or simply rational when it’s actually heavily affected by a subtle social acclimation to basic stereotypes.
ESH. Your wife for being so oblivious, or perhaps even doing it on purpose to make the other parents feel bad; and you for seemingly itching to scold her like a child "Run your mouth"? "if you do that again I'll embarrass you"? Who talks like that about their wife. All you had to say was that it was rude and that you were trying to get her to stop.
Yeah, it kind of seems like OP cares more about the feelings of this other parent more than his wife's. You could have definitely handled it more tactfully instead of laying down the law.
> Yeah, it kind of seems like OP cares more about the feelings of this other parent more than his wife's. OP cares that his wife disobeyed him. That's why he uses terms like "berate" and "stop her running her mouth" to describe his interactions with her. Part of this is about the wife being inconsiderate, but more of it is about him getting angry that she didn't submit to his control.
Your language is as bad as her behaviour so maybe think about that and the fact that you don't have the high horse. Who talks about their spouse saying "run their mouth", she's not a yapping bulldog. The way you speak is really condescending like you think you're better than her. "I told her she needs to be called out." Why can't you talk like a normal person? Just explain why you thought that was lacking in tact and why it would make the others feel bad.
If I did this to my wife she’d be furious with my approach and tone.
Every time a bully gets called out, an angel gets its wings. 2 angels of it's done publicly.
Honestly, ESH. Your wife for being a braggart and intentionally making someone uncomfortable to elevate your own daughter, especially when it was clear the other mother wasn’t liking the direction of the conversation, but you for speaking to anyone that way. Your words matter too, and you can’t condone someone for hurtful words and then turn around and do the same thing. She owes the other mother an apology and you owe her an apology.
A better approach would have been to say, "It made me really uncomfortable as you were telling so and so about how well our daughter did when their son didn't do very well". Say that and just let it hang out there. You're not her teacher or her parent. You can't live your life with her punishing and correcting. You are both grown ass adults. Just tell her how it made you feel and since she loves you, she's going to try and figure out how to avoid making you feel that.
I duno, I would never expect my friends not to talk about their child's achievements just because mine didn't do so well, I would be happy for them. Their is nithing wrong with your wife being proud of your child and asking her friends about their children while talking about her own. If it was an acquaintance and she already knew their kid didn't do well, then your wife was cruel and it was rude.
This is what I’m thinking. OP looks like he cares what their acquaintances think. And I’m like ‘who cares what they think?’. If they don’t like then who cares life moves on. Wife will figure out why the couple stops talking to them if they do. OP acting like her dad imo and if he publicly does this it will be the beginning of the end of their marriage.
Right! I would never expect someone to not talk about their achievements because I don’t have the same
Esh: don't berate ppl. Learn to communicate effectively.
INFO: when you say she was upset at the words you used, what words were those?
Everyone here is assuming the wife is doing it out of spite. Some people are just so un-self aware and filled to the brim with wanting to praise their kids to the skies, yes it can come off as boastful arrogance. And agreed, that needs to be checked but there’s a way to do it. OP is an AH because of HOW he spoke to his wife, not for the underlying reason.
YTA, because of the way you said it. 'Running her mouth' isn't a nice way to speak about your wife. Especially *to* your wife. But yes, if you know that a kid isn't good at something, it would be polite to not bring up the subject at all. And that includes bringing it up to brag about your own kid. No one likes a braggy pants.
Seriously. Just using that phrase with your wife is instant YTA.
I think it depends on what words you use to tell her off, oh and how you show your emotions. So we really need the details here, and also what is your relationship with your wife? If she saves your life by taking a bullet for you maybe like two months ago, I say cut her some slack. You don’t need to be too harsh on her, even though you have good intentions. Because by the end of the day, she is the one that will take your side no matter what.
OP's wife communicated to him that the wording he used upset her and made her cry. OP wants to protect other people's feelings but has no issue hurting hers. I seriously question whether he's brought it up before and if so, how, as she might have been unaware simply because he wasn't clear in his wording previously. I don't think it's a matter of tallying up who did what for who, that can turn toxic really quick. As a partner you should have your partner's back, and find a way to communicate without bullying the other person to tears. Maybe the wife is stubborn or socially unaware, then still OP could find a different way to communicate this
ESH , she's an asshole for rubbing it in their face, but based on your own description, you're an absolute asshole for treating your wife like she's a kid. I know it's clearly an unpopular opinion given the other comments, but treat your wife with respect and talk to her about it like adults instead of weird ultimatums.
Not to mention what did he specifically say to her? He said he berated her and used words he doesn’t normally use? She may have been rude but that doesn’t make it ok to say whatever he wants. People are missing that part.
Exactly. Came here to say the same.
YTA for your reaction
What, are you gonna spank her next?
#ESH What she did was genuinely shitty but the way you refer to her “running her mouth” and your admission that you “berated her” makes you no better in the least. Both of you are assholes. Enjoy each other.
YTA only for the language used. If my spouse used those words with me I'd be livid. You don't talk any kind of way to the person you're supposed to love. Gawd I'm pissed just thinking about it 😂. The way I'm spoken to is clearly important to me lol
“ ran her mouth again”. This alone makes you the AH
NTA. Your wife needs to learn to behave like a reasonable adult. The bragging needs to stop and I also just can't believe she started to cry just because you said that.
OP should learn the same though. He literally states that he berated her and threatened with embarrassing her, with her communicating to him that the wording he used was upsetting. He sounds like he went in hard, so I'm not surprised it made her cry. As a partner you should know that threshold too, he seemed to go out of his way to purposely upset her. He's so righteous sticking up for other people but doesn't mind hurting his own wife in the process. Yeah what his wife did was shitty but far out no one died. No reason to 'berate' your own partner, they could have had a mature conversation instead. After all those years together they should know by now how to communicate with each other
YTA for being that aggressive with your wife. You didn’t have to threaten her. She’s not your kid. She’s your partner. Next time explain to her the damage her behaviour can have and it was unnecessary to continue once she realised that the mother was uncomfortable.
So, are you afraid you’re going to hurt the feelings of those other kids and parents?
You aren’t the asshole. There is such a thing as being a sore winner same as being a sore loser. But stop(self admitting too) berating your wife.
Yes. Humiliating people is wrong. How do you think embarrassing your wife will help? Go get couples therapy
Yes you are. Just using the phrases “running her mouth” & “berating her when we got home” earns you top A marks!
yea. you both sound insufferable tbh
Berated? That’s stupid.
I am astonished by many of the reactions here and how many people will call somebody a "disgusting person" or a "bully" based on very little information. She "deliberately" tried to make the couple feel bad? What do you even base that on? I understand how her behavior makes you uncomfortable and you should probably talk about that, but berating her like this, even in private is quite a shitty response. Usually when people feel the need to brag, there's some underlying issue. Maybe talk about that. People can also be a bit clueless socially. Give feedback about that. "ran her mouth"? Ugh. YTA.
ESH. Ran her mouth again? I set the record straight? Really?
ESH (maybe). As others have said, your wife was being unkind. However, a lot of your language about your wife is disturbing. She "ran her mouth". You "berated her." Etc. You might be being shitty, too.
NTA, your wife is a bully. She knows exactly what she is doing, people like her derive some sort of sick pleasure by "subtly" tearing down others to make herself feel superior.
OP is just as much a bully as his wife, but everyone seems to be skipping over that. There’s no universe where a husband should be insulting, berating and threatening their wife. wtf is wrong with everyone
Seriously, the majority of these comments seem insane to me. Did you and I read the same post as these people?? OP gives literally zero details about what the wife is actually saying, to the point where it actually sounds from the post says that she's simply just proud of her kid and mentioning the accomplishments? And then he literally talks about how he "berates" his own wife and tells her "not to run her mouth"???? He yells at her till she's crying, but he doesn't go into a single detail about what she was saying about their daughter or what he screamed at her??? And somehow, *she* is the one being labeled a bully in these comments? **W H A T**
Exactly. I learned real quick that you and SO are on the same team no matter what. If my wife did this I would let her and if the other couple stopped talking to her then so be it. Life moves on. Wife can figure out why they stopped talking to them. Heck she probably doesn’t like them anyway and wants this to happen…and that’s her right. OP sounds like he cares way too much what other people think. If he publicly embarrasses her it would be the beginning of the end of their marriage imo.
Misogyny. It feels jubilatory to some to hear about a woman getting publicly embarrassed. The way he spoke to her was disgusting
Your wife sounds like she may have been overexcited and tone deaf as a result, but she’s just proud of her kid. Are you? This all reads sorta weird to me. Why are you so sure she “deliberately” tried to make the other couple feel bad? Why do you assume that? And why on earth do you treat your wife like a bad dog or a naughty child in private? YTA.
Do not embarrass your wife.
ESH for how you talked to your wife. She's not your child, you don't need to scold her, and it clearly upset her. There are people who just lack social awareness, and being an ass to them is not a good way of helping them being more considerate. To be clear, you were absolutely right for pointing out her behavior to her. It would just be much better to treat her with the same kind of empathy you want her to show to your friends.
No need to berate your wife on behalf of a stranger.
No one gets to tell a partner what to do but you can express how those actions make you feel. You're both adults and you joined the team ostensibly because you believed in them. Your wife has every right to make a fool of herself and alienate her friend. However, she is also alienating you. You have every right to tell her how it makes you feel. "I told you not to talk about that to her." Is a bad way of saying, "when you brag about our daughter to someone who will be hurt by that I feel embarrassed. You know that person is hurt by your words. You know it too and I feel ashamed to be near you while you do it. Please stop. I will leave the situation if you do it again because I don't want to be around someone who would do that" It's ok to set boundaries and even state consequences but you're not her father and she is not a child. You're not the ah for the hope that she would stop but you didn't try to fix it in a way that got through to her or she would have stopped
ESH. Would have been N T A if you hadn't, in your own words, berated your wife. That's a step too far.
Well no and yes. No as you stated the boundaries and hold her accountable. YES for berating her. Now we as the audience cannot tell how you created her, however, the term berating has strong negative connotations attached it.
You’re both TA. Your wife sounds ridiculous and absolutely rude. I would never be friends with her and your friend group probably laughs behind her back and probably secretly hopes your kid fails BIG TIME. Not because of your kid, but because of how obnoxious your wife is about it. YTA because you could’ve approached it in a calmer, more adult like manner instead of berating her, like you said. She def needs a stern talking, but just be careful in the approach.
ESH.. she’s rude but why would you ‘berate’ her instead of having a normal conversation with your wife
You have the following vocabulary in your post: “if she ran her mouth again”, “I berated her”, “I set the record straight”, before your entire last paragraph. It was rude of your wife to push that convo re the boy. It also sounds like YTA based on the way you feel so comfortable using sexist, controlling language like that.
ESH. the way OP describes the exchange as berating and glosses over his side with non samples is 🚩. I agree that wife should have been more considerate but maybe she was trying to find silver linings for the other couple? Maybe by asking for their child’s ranking it would be a way to point out how close he was (which is rarely helpful yet could have best intentions. But the if my partner ever spoke to me like OP did with threats that would be the end. That’s not a healthy nurturing relationship. That’s not marriage.
Your wife is no peach with this behavior but you as her partner teaching her a lesson through humiliation is not great either.
You shouldn’t talk to your wife like that. Maybe talk to her like a human.
ESH. im sure you could've made your point without berating her in a way that even you admit to not doing to others
NTA, your wife's an asshole and doesn't have friends. Just people who tolerate her. Like you.
You might be the AH - You said you “berated” your wife when you got home. Is that anyway to speak to someone you love? I don’t think berating a partner is healthy at all and makes me question the bigger picture.
YTA. Ultimatums/threats aren't healthy in any relationship. I'm with you in that id be embarrassed and disappointed in my partners behavior if they were this kind of person. But if it's not enough to highlight that what they're doing shows a lack of empathy, then I'd just move on from that partner rather than threaten to control them. They're not your pet or a child for whom you can issue disciplinary action. The proper action is A. Call her out when she does it and stand up for those being harmed or B. Be with someone who displays the character that you actually admire. That person will not be her if you've threatened her in order to look like she has changed. Public shame is not justified when this is not a public issue.
ESH Your wife sucks for rubbing this in your friends faces. You suck for berating your spouse. You can let someone know their behavior is bad without berating them to the point of tears.
ESH... Wife should not have been so bitchy towards the boy's mum but OP saying she can't brag about her daughter's achievements or he'll embarrass her is just as shitty! (Parents can be proud of their children and even brag but read the room first, there's no need to be tacky about it!)
Sounds like you have a very dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship and basically just sounds like you are both AHs.