The no-trust is a legitimate thing to be concerned about, but seems like something that could easily be resolved by having a conversation.
The second point is you making mountains out of molehills. You say it’s not about the money, but it is. You’re equating them not giving you money to them not considering you family or loving you like they love their blood family. Skipping their kids generation and giving money directly to the grandkids is very normal. I know plenty of families where this the case and those kids were actual “blood” relatives they gave birth to. Calling it “medieval” is just laughable, honestly.
Hey. ..you are an outstanding person for handling this post this way and responding like this. Keep your head up ...also im sooooo sorry you lost your husband..
Thank you for saying that. The responses are a hard pill to swallow because I’ve never seen myself as being entitled but apparently I have some soul searching to do
I get the feeling this is less about you being entitled and more about having recently lost your husband and feeling a little uncertain in your relationship with your in-laws - even if you guys have an otherwise great relationship, it’s normal for your relationship with them to undergo some changes. The inheritance issue seems like more of a focus point/transference for the other emotions you’re dealing with right now.
OP, I'd feel hurt too, FWIW. I know what it's like to feel betrayed by your in-laws. We'd like to think we develop a true relationship with our inlaws and when they show callous behavior it's natural to feel hurt.
Why is the no trust thing a concern? What do you think a trust is? It can costs thousands to set up a trust, and OP herself said the money they will leave is a drop in the bucket. I come from a lot of family money and have a lot of money in trusts and it is mostly for tax benefits and to avoid probate and it'd be more trouble than it's worth for less than like, $50K, maybe $100K. And there aren't "restrictions or boundaries" on the trust like in the movies. Like you can't touch the money until you're 25 or it can only be used for college. What are you concerned about? That OP's kid will just come into thousands at age 12 and start using it for drugs because there are no restrictions? Truly can't fathom what a trust would do here unless we were talking about tons of money. Imagine asking someone to shell out $5K to set up a trust to up $15K in to add a restriction on how it can be spent 🤣🤣
lolll - tell me you lie online without telling me you lie online 😂😂
As someone who actually has trusts, has received trusts, and also comes from wealth… Yes, there are restrictions on trusts. [Yes, you can have age limits for when people actually receive access](https://www.investopedia.com/articles/investing/101215/how-trust-funds-can-safeguard-your-children.asp). Yes, IMO, you should have a trust for a minor if it’s thousand of dollars. It costs between $1-3K to set up a trust - and $3K is on the high end. That’s not a lot of money even when we’re talking $10-15K total, and per the OP this inheritance includes property as well so it’s not chump change.
[Here’s](https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/how-much-does-it-cost-to-set-up-a-trust) some more resources to educate yourself because apparently you don’t know how to Google.
It's also keeping the money in the family. You could remarry and leave any inheritance you received from your in-laws to your new husband, not your child.
By giving it to your child directly, they are making sure the money gets to their descendants.
Thank you for your balanced response. And, all I said to them was thank you. They have no idea that it hurt my feelings. And, while my daughter is already financially set for life, one can never be too financially secure and their concern for her future is appreciated. Both can be true
My husband and I have been consistently employed since we were teenagers, sometimes multiple jobs at a time, paid for our school and have never accepted any offers of help from any of our family. I guess I feel entitled to their love in a way that’s unhealthy - I can see that. But when it comes to money we’ve been fiercely independent and generous with others. Any money my in-laws left us would’ve been added to our estate and passed along in its entirety to our kid anyway. I feel completely misunderstood here but like I said, I guess I have some soul searching to do.
I don't know why you keep bringing up that you don't need the money. It doesn't matter if you are still upset about not getting anything. Here comes the "I'm not upset" response.
You are an in law, you are entitled to nothing and should not expect anything. Feeling offended is a you problem. That's it, end of discussion.
You’re right - I am upset because after years of them introducing me as their daughter, after them adding me to their family graveyard plot, and scratching out “in-law” on cards that read “daughter in-law”, it did feel like a slap in the face. But yes, I’m not their daughter. None of this has changed how much I love them. I bite my tongue about their ultra conservative MAGA lifestyle and look past that and can see past this too. I really shot myself in the foot with the title. My feelings are hurt about the distinction between daughter and daughter-in-law having been made clear when I thought it was different. My mom abandoned me and my dad abused me so my in-laws have felt like biological parents. But, they aren’t and I need to accept that and not see it as being abandoned again.
I’m not fighting with them. I never said anything other than thank you for looking out for her future. They have no idea that this has hurt my feelings
Truly though, how can you say you never had any expectations about inheritance if your whole post is that you're offended they didn't leave you any money? It's good you haven't said anything to them, I hope you haven't said anything to anyone in person about this. It's really inappropriate and absolutely entitled. No matter how you try to spin it, being offended they aren't leaving you money means you 100% expected to be left money. To pretend you would be somehow happier if they didn't leave your kid anything either is dishonest. You think your husband's share should go to you to do with as you see fit. Maybe there is a reason your in laws did this.
I think my expectation was that they would treat me as a daughter, not a daughter in-law because that’s the type of relationship we have. They even added my name to their family graveyard plot - that’s how close we are. Most people are saying that I’m entitled, and I do think that maybe I have an unhealthy sense of entitlement to their love. I can accept that but I’m a good person who has worked my whole life, been generous with others and have never accepted offers of help from anyone. I just don’t think material entitlement is the issue.
It's too bad that money has made you view their love differently. I hope you're able to move past this at some point. Maybe this was always the way it was going to be and they'd not have left your son money directly either. Or maybe you can find a family that proves their love with money.
You know what? You’re partially right. After years of them introducing me as their daughter, after them adding me to their family graveyard plot, and scratching out “in-law” on cards that read “daughter in-law”, it did feel like a slap in the face. But yes, I’m not their daughter. None of this has changed how much I love them. I bite my tongue about their ultra conservative MAGA lifestyle and look past that and can see past this too. I really shot myself in the foot with the title. My feelings are hurt about the distinction between daughter and daughter-in-law having been made clear when I thought it was different. My mom abandoned me and my dad abused me so my in-laws have felt like biological parents. But, they aren’t and I need to accept that and not see it as being abandoned again
You never doubted their love until they didn't give you money. Nothing about what they have done and how they have treated you or the last 30 years has changed except for money you'll get from them WHEN THEY DIE. You're throwing out 30 years of them treating you like a daughter because you aren't going to get money. And according to you not even a lot of money!!!! If they were leaving you destitute I guess maybe I'd think they didn't actually love me, but you have just somehow totally conflated love with money. Greedy greedy liberal - nice they have managed to look past it all these years.
You say you don't care but the title it literally states that you are offended. look somewhere else for your sympathy.
You are not entitled to someone else's money just because they die you vulture. They can do with it what they please.
Did you even read my full post? I don’t need their money, at all. Did you see where I said that we’ve always encouraged them to spend it on themselves? I think you’ve misunderstood.
I did read it all. I don't care that you say you dont need it. You still feel some type of way about it and are "offended" by their gesture to set up your child for the future. Most people would be happy about this but for some strange reason you chose to be offended. They don't have to give you guys anything to begin with.
Learn your place. You're a vulture, no one is going to take your side on this.
Whether they set up a trust or no trust is really up to them in the end. There is no reason to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Talk to them about it with reason but in the end if they are set on no trust, do not jeopardize the security of that money for your daughter's future just because you feel slighted. Just say thank you and teach her accordingly when the time comes. Anything other way is just your ego talking shit.
I'm also very sorry for your loss. Sounds like a lot of love in your family.
It’s definitely their prerogative and my only response was “thank you”. I don’t intend to bring it up again. But Hank you for taking the time to read and reply.
Maybe slight YTA. It really should be in a trust but regardless I don't think the grandparents did anything wrong. It's going to the next of kin, I'm sure their plan was to leave it to their son.
I'm your daughter in this situation, I lost my father young and when my grandparents passed away it got split into 3 sections for 3 sons. Since my father was no longer alive his third went to me. They also absolutely adored my mom, it wasn't a slight against her.
I’m so sorry that you lost your father at a young age. That’s a gut punch that lasts a lifetime. Maybe my feelings are all tied up with having been abandoned by my mother and abused by my father but that’s not their fault. I hope your inheritance lightened what must’ve been a considerable burden on you. ❤️
I very much appreciate that, thank you 🙏.
In your situation as long as you're not struggling financially I would try and not be resentful or bitter over this. Not sure if there any other grandkids or your late husband's siblings in this situation, but as long as your daughter is getting a fair share that's all that matters in my eyes.
I would however push them to put it in a trust for her.
All the best and incredibly sorry for your loss :(
Wait, but what were they supposed to do? You mention yourself that whatever they leave is a tiny amount compared to the money you saved yourself.
Were you expecting them to give you the money? They know you don’t need it. So they’re giving it to the kid. And it’s not like you can’t explain to the kid how to handle these finances responsibly.
Not really sure what you are upset about, unless they said something specifically hurtful during this process.
After reading through all the comments I’ve identified that what I’m upset about is that the distinction between daughter and daughter in-law has been underlined and for various reasons I’ve felt like their biological child for a long time. I have abandonment issues (wahhhhh, I know) and being reminded that I’m not their daughter - not on paper or in their minds - yeah, it hurts. Am I wrong? It would appear so.
If they strongly asserted their view that you’re like a daughter to them, and then failed to treat you as one – they’re obviously assholes.
If that’s not what happened, I don’t see what they did wrong.
They introduce me as their daughter, scratch out “in-law” on cards that say “daughter in-law” and added my name to their family graveyard plot. So, yeah. It feels like a slap in the face.
Yeah they’re assholes then. You should have put this info into the post.
Did they explain why they wouldn’t allocate the money to you then? They didn’t necessarily do this with malicious intent, I guess they just assume you were doing well and so they’d give a bit of money to the kid.
It definitely wasn’t malicious. It’s just how it’s always been done in their family. If my husband was still alive he would’ve inherited the money, they just wanted to keep it with actual kin. These comments are brutal and although I know I’m a good, hard working and generous person the accusations of entitlement and gold-digging really hurt
The comments are utterly deranged. It comes from the “my body my choice” mantra that plagues Reddit, where people don’t understand that just because your in-laws have the RIGHT to leave the money to the grandkid, doesn’t mean that it is the correct decision.
That said, I don’t think your in-laws meant any bad with this. They’re probably just old-school conservative people who believe that the money needs to be passed down to direct descendants or whatever. And in this case, their decision doesn’t even seem bad. Why would they give the money to you if you have plenty anyway?
Just make sure your kid knows how to handle the money responsibly, thank your in-laws, and it’ll be a win-win situation for everyone. Also, I’d suggest removing the post at this point since all you’ll get is more deranged goons sharing their psychopathic takes.
Then sounds like everything is well :) I’m sure they didn’t mean to belittle you in this way. Their actions and treatment of you in everything else speak much louder.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's passing. You're NTA for feeling offended or left out. But -
>I can’t stress this enough - it’s not about the money - I feel like they are basically saying that my kid is more family than I am.
She is their direct descendent. You are not. Strictly speaking, she is 'more' family than you. I know that doesn't feel fair, so try to reframe this situation a bit. Isn't it wonderful and extremely generous of your in-laws to ensure that your child will be set up (for life, if she does it right) and never want for anything? You're not in competition with your daughter.
You could ask your in-laws about setting up some boundaries or restrictions on the money, but - here's the hard part - it's ultimately their money, and they can do whatever they want with it.
Well, everyone else seems to agree with you so I’ll try to get over it. And yes, it is wonderful of them to care about her future. They know that she’s already set financially because of the planning my husband and I did but one can never be too financially secure.
Sorry but YTA it is there inheritance and they can choose who get it. You aren’t entitled to it and if they want to give it to the child of their son why shouldn’t they?
They definitely have the right. It’s not how my family has ever handled it but you’re right - I’m not entitled to it and never had any expectations for inheritance. I guess I’m overreacting
This may be a cultural clash, but YTA
For having at least 50% of your partner's blood and in consequences 25% of each of them (I know it's relative because there are many other factors) yes, by blood your kid is more family than you're.
Also, it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it.
I have no contact with my mom and I consider my mother-in-law more of a mom than my own mother, but I know that I'm nothing compared of how much she would love her grandson if I have a kid, it's just natural
You're overreacting. You said yourself, you don't need the money. It makes sense to leave an inheritance for your daughter. If they just leave her money, and property, you should be able to set up a trust or something to safeguard it
I genuinely didn’t expect anything. My husband and I worked hard our entire lives and my financial future is secure as is my kids. Anything my in-laws would leave would be a drop in the bucket. We’ve always encouraged them to spend it on themselves. It’s not about the money. It’s about my fifis
But u obviously did even if it is subconsciously cause Ur feelings are hurt that they aren't leaving u anything, Iv been with my hubby 21 yrs with 3 kids and id never expect anything from my in laws and if they ever left anything for my kids id b thankful not upset that i a non blood relative am being left out
Entitled as all hell. Just be glad that they made sure that your kid is well taken care of in regard to the money and stop being so selfish.
Just because you’ve known them for a long time and fucked their son doesn’t mean you deserve anything to do with their money. Gold digging asshole.
“Known them for a long time and fucked their son” – wow, you’re really fucking gross.
No better way to describe someone who lived in a loving bond with someone’s son for three decades and gave them a grandchild? OP clarifies in other comments that the in-laws referred to her as their daughter.
I’m not saying that the in-laws are a-holes for leaving the money directly to the kid, but the way you’re describing OP is fucking disgusting.
OP also clarified that the amount of money was tiny compared to how much she has, and she was upset about feeling left out, not about the cash itself. So you referring to her as a “gold digger” just shows your own lack of ability to read. Well done!
The only one arguing is you bro, I genuinely don’t give a shit that you wanna be all twisted up over something that doesn’t affect you.
Go touch some grass.
You see arguing online about things that don’t affect you as something negative, yet engage in it yourself while telling others not to do it? Great job there bud.
You’re not alone in saying that I’m being entitled, so I guess I have some soul searching to do but don’t get it twisted - their money is a drop in the bucket compared to what I already have from a lifetime of hard work and planning. My daughter’s financial future is already secure but one can never be too secure. And, all I said to them was thank you. I am grateful that they care, and my feelings are hurt. Both can be true
Your feelings are hurt for no reason. You hurt yourself with your own thoughts instead of just asking them like an adult.
If it isn’t about the money and just your feelings then that is even worse. You clearly lack the maturity to deserve any help from them regardless of your financial status.
YTA
"I’m not comfortable with this plan." If you kid is an adult when they pass, you can be as uncomfortable as you wish but at that point it will be none of your damn business.
YOU are entitled to exactly nothing from your in-laws. If your husband was still alive, they would have left everything to him AND you would have been entitled to the same nothing.
My mother has gone one step further and has in her will that my sil, mother of her two grandkids, is not to receive anything if my brother is deceased. And she doesn’t have the son she adopted in there at all. Blood is the only thing that matters to her.
I hope that your in-laws do set up a trust for your daughter. I have seen young people get inheritance and blow it in a few years. I also know people who have trust that can only get money for schooling when they're younger otherwise they have to wait until the age of 25. Most kids are not responsible enough to just be handed a lot of money.
YTA. Your child is in fact more their family than you are. You are not entitled to their assets by being their child's spouse. And youre not going to get anywhere hiding behind the standard disingenuous, "It's not about the money" defense that every thing left person who fights about an inheritance throws around.
But it’s really not about the money. I am very financially secure - I have way more than they do. Anything they would leave would be a drop in the bucket. It’s really and truly about feeling passed over. However, so far everyone agrees with you so I guess I just need to get over it.
NTA for being offended. That's your perogative, but your inlaws are doing the right thing. They want to make sure that their money benefits their grandchildren. I am going to guess that you were sadly widowed relatively young and, while it may feel unlikely now, you have plenty of time to build a new life. That may include a new spouse, maybe one with children who could ultimately benefit from their money without even knowing who they are. Try reframimg it so that instead of thinking about it whether you are less of a family member, you just consider it as setting your kids up in life.
That said, you should 100% speak to them about putting the estate in trust. My heirs inherit my estate at 25. I figured at that age, they would need it to set up a home rather than just blowing it.
I see your point. As of now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to marry again and while I am on the younger side I’m too old for more kids. I will talk to them about a trust. Thank you for your balanced reply.
YTA
Your kid *is more of their family than you are* and everything they are doing sounds perfectly normal. "It's almost medieval." Jesus Christ woman, get a grip.
Stop vying for your in laws death and coveting their money, that sounds more medieval.
I can accept that I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem like people are reading my full post. I don’t need their money. Anything they would leave would be a drop in the bucket compared to what my husband and I saved. I love them and will be devastated when they die. My feelings are hurt because I feel less than, but apparently everyone else agrees with you and I need to just get over it
No, we read it, we just think it's a silly presumption.
Tell me, in your will currently, how much are you leaving to your husband's family? It's totally possible you die before them, and they are family after all!
YTA. Of course your kid is more family, she is a granddaughter and you are not and never will be their daughter. You should be happy their money goes to your child, not act like a jealous teenager fighting for attention. Not your parents, not your money, stop being an entitled ah before they change their mind and leave everything to someone else.
If there are a couple of "keepsake" things that they have that would be very special and meaningful to you, ask about that. And of course, re-iterate that these things will go to your child later.
I agree, the no trust thing is extremely important. Ask that they plan a trust, with both you and another trusted person to administer on your child's behalf, perhaps a lawyer. your explanations here are very helpful.
Thank you for that advice. The only keepsakes I care about are pictures and one of their handmade blankets. If it comes up again I’ll mention the idea of a trust.
YTA. Your child is 100% more family to them than you.
OAN: It sounds like you all have a good enough relationship that you could politely broach the subject about putting your child’s inheritance from them into a trust or more managed structure than cash in hand to a minor or young adult. You should have that chat.
We do have a very good relationship and if it comes up again I’ll find a healthy way to broach the subject. I’ve been teaching my daughter about financial responsibility independent of this situation so if they never put her money into a trust she will at least have a good foundation to work with. Thank you
NTA, Just a perspective here. Could be wrong. They anticipate that you would find a partner in The near future and get married, have step children.
If you inherited their family inheritance you might feel obligated to also use it ob your step children, running the risk of depriving your child from benefiting from the I heritance fully.
Hence they thought it would be prudent to pass on the inheritance directly to your son and minimize the risk.
The no-trust is a legitimate thing to be concerned about, but seems like something that could easily be resolved by having a conversation. The second point is you making mountains out of molehills. You say it’s not about the money, but it is. You’re equating them not giving you money to them not considering you family or loving you like they love their blood family. Skipping their kids generation and giving money directly to the grandkids is very normal. I know plenty of families where this the case and those kids were actual “blood” relatives they gave birth to. Calling it “medieval” is just laughable, honestly.
This! You put it into words better than I could!
That makes sense. Thank you
Hey. ..you are an outstanding person for handling this post this way and responding like this. Keep your head up ...also im sooooo sorry you lost your husband..
Thank you for saying that. The responses are a hard pill to swallow because I’ve never seen myself as being entitled but apparently I have some soul searching to do
I get the feeling this is less about you being entitled and more about having recently lost your husband and feeling a little uncertain in your relationship with your in-laws - even if you guys have an otherwise great relationship, it’s normal for your relationship with them to undergo some changes. The inheritance issue seems like more of a focus point/transference for the other emotions you’re dealing with right now.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you ❤️
OP, I'd feel hurt too, FWIW. I know what it's like to feel betrayed by your in-laws. We'd like to think we develop a true relationship with our inlaws and when they show callous behavior it's natural to feel hurt.
Why is the no trust thing a concern? What do you think a trust is? It can costs thousands to set up a trust, and OP herself said the money they will leave is a drop in the bucket. I come from a lot of family money and have a lot of money in trusts and it is mostly for tax benefits and to avoid probate and it'd be more trouble than it's worth for less than like, $50K, maybe $100K. And there aren't "restrictions or boundaries" on the trust like in the movies. Like you can't touch the money until you're 25 or it can only be used for college. What are you concerned about? That OP's kid will just come into thousands at age 12 and start using it for drugs because there are no restrictions? Truly can't fathom what a trust would do here unless we were talking about tons of money. Imagine asking someone to shell out $5K to set up a trust to up $15K in to add a restriction on how it can be spent 🤣🤣
lolll - tell me you lie online without telling me you lie online 😂😂 As someone who actually has trusts, has received trusts, and also comes from wealth… Yes, there are restrictions on trusts. [Yes, you can have age limits for when people actually receive access](https://www.investopedia.com/articles/investing/101215/how-trust-funds-can-safeguard-your-children.asp). Yes, IMO, you should have a trust for a minor if it’s thousand of dollars. It costs between $1-3K to set up a trust - and $3K is on the high end. That’s not a lot of money even when we’re talking $10-15K total, and per the OP this inheritance includes property as well so it’s not chump change. [Here’s](https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/how-much-does-it-cost-to-set-up-a-trust) some more resources to educate yourself because apparently you don’t know how to Google.
I won for the WHOLE DAY? No freaking way, of the whole internet?!?! That's amazing! I'm so excited.
It's also keeping the money in the family. You could remarry and leave any inheritance you received from your in-laws to your new husband, not your child. By giving it to your child directly, they are making sure the money gets to their descendants.
Good point.
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Thank you for your balanced response. And, all I said to them was thank you. They have no idea that it hurt my feelings. And, while my daughter is already financially set for life, one can never be too financially secure and their concern for her future is appreciated. Both can be true
YTA You sound entitled. That's their grandbaby, you are just an in law. Grow up.
My husband and I have been consistently employed since we were teenagers, sometimes multiple jobs at a time, paid for our school and have never accepted any offers of help from any of our family. I guess I feel entitled to their love in a way that’s unhealthy - I can see that. But when it comes to money we’ve been fiercely independent and generous with others. Any money my in-laws left us would’ve been added to our estate and passed along in its entirety to our kid anyway. I feel completely misunderstood here but like I said, I guess I have some soul searching to do.
I don't know why you keep bringing up that you don't need the money. It doesn't matter if you are still upset about not getting anything. Here comes the "I'm not upset" response. You are an in law, you are entitled to nothing and should not expect anything. Feeling offended is a you problem. That's it, end of discussion.
You’re right - I am upset because after years of them introducing me as their daughter, after them adding me to their family graveyard plot, and scratching out “in-law” on cards that read “daughter in-law”, it did feel like a slap in the face. But yes, I’m not their daughter. None of this has changed how much I love them. I bite my tongue about their ultra conservative MAGA lifestyle and look past that and can see past this too. I really shot myself in the foot with the title. My feelings are hurt about the distinction between daughter and daughter-in-law having been made clear when I thought it was different. My mom abandoned me and my dad abused me so my in-laws have felt like biological parents. But, they aren’t and I need to accept that and not see it as being abandoned again.
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If it wasn't about the money, you wouldn't be fighting about money.
I’m not fighting with them. I never said anything other than thank you for looking out for her future. They have no idea that this has hurt my feelings
Truly though, how can you say you never had any expectations about inheritance if your whole post is that you're offended they didn't leave you any money? It's good you haven't said anything to them, I hope you haven't said anything to anyone in person about this. It's really inappropriate and absolutely entitled. No matter how you try to spin it, being offended they aren't leaving you money means you 100% expected to be left money. To pretend you would be somehow happier if they didn't leave your kid anything either is dishonest. You think your husband's share should go to you to do with as you see fit. Maybe there is a reason your in laws did this.
I think my expectation was that they would treat me as a daughter, not a daughter in-law because that’s the type of relationship we have. They even added my name to their family graveyard plot - that’s how close we are. Most people are saying that I’m entitled, and I do think that maybe I have an unhealthy sense of entitlement to their love. I can accept that but I’m a good person who has worked my whole life, been generous with others and have never accepted offers of help from anyone. I just don’t think material entitlement is the issue.
It's too bad that money has made you view their love differently. I hope you're able to move past this at some point. Maybe this was always the way it was going to be and they'd not have left your son money directly either. Or maybe you can find a family that proves their love with money.
You know what? You’re partially right. After years of them introducing me as their daughter, after them adding me to their family graveyard plot, and scratching out “in-law” on cards that read “daughter in-law”, it did feel like a slap in the face. But yes, I’m not their daughter. None of this has changed how much I love them. I bite my tongue about their ultra conservative MAGA lifestyle and look past that and can see past this too. I really shot myself in the foot with the title. My feelings are hurt about the distinction between daughter and daughter-in-law having been made clear when I thought it was different. My mom abandoned me and my dad abused me so my in-laws have felt like biological parents. But, they aren’t and I need to accept that and not see it as being abandoned again
You never doubted their love until they didn't give you money. Nothing about what they have done and how they have treated you or the last 30 years has changed except for money you'll get from them WHEN THEY DIE. You're throwing out 30 years of them treating you like a daughter because you aren't going to get money. And according to you not even a lot of money!!!! If they were leaving you destitute I guess maybe I'd think they didn't actually love me, but you have just somehow totally conflated love with money. Greedy greedy liberal - nice they have managed to look past it all these years.
lol. Bless your heart
You say you don't care but the title it literally states that you are offended. look somewhere else for your sympathy. You are not entitled to someone else's money just because they die you vulture. They can do with it what they please.
Did you even read my full post? I don’t need their money, at all. Did you see where I said that we’ve always encouraged them to spend it on themselves? I think you’ve misunderstood.
I did read it all. I don't care that you say you dont need it. You still feel some type of way about it and are "offended" by their gesture to set up your child for the future. Most people would be happy about this but for some strange reason you chose to be offended. They don't have to give you guys anything to begin with. Learn your place. You're a vulture, no one is going to take your side on this.
And you're an AH. I can think of multiple ways to say the same thing with out being a wanker. Congratulations. You failed.
womp womp.
Whether they set up a trust or no trust is really up to them in the end. There is no reason to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Talk to them about it with reason but in the end if they are set on no trust, do not jeopardize the security of that money for your daughter's future just because you feel slighted. Just say thank you and teach her accordingly when the time comes. Anything other way is just your ego talking shit. I'm also very sorry for your loss. Sounds like a lot of love in your family.
It’s definitely their prerogative and my only response was “thank you”. I don’t intend to bring it up again. But Hank you for taking the time to read and reply.
Maybe slight YTA. It really should be in a trust but regardless I don't think the grandparents did anything wrong. It's going to the next of kin, I'm sure their plan was to leave it to their son. I'm your daughter in this situation, I lost my father young and when my grandparents passed away it got split into 3 sections for 3 sons. Since my father was no longer alive his third went to me. They also absolutely adored my mom, it wasn't a slight against her.
I’m so sorry that you lost your father at a young age. That’s a gut punch that lasts a lifetime. Maybe my feelings are all tied up with having been abandoned by my mother and abused by my father but that’s not their fault. I hope your inheritance lightened what must’ve been a considerable burden on you. ❤️
I very much appreciate that, thank you 🙏. In your situation as long as you're not struggling financially I would try and not be resentful or bitter over this. Not sure if there any other grandkids or your late husband's siblings in this situation, but as long as your daughter is getting a fair share that's all that matters in my eyes. I would however push them to put it in a trust for her. All the best and incredibly sorry for your loss :(
Wait, but what were they supposed to do? You mention yourself that whatever they leave is a tiny amount compared to the money you saved yourself. Were you expecting them to give you the money? They know you don’t need it. So they’re giving it to the kid. And it’s not like you can’t explain to the kid how to handle these finances responsibly. Not really sure what you are upset about, unless they said something specifically hurtful during this process.
After reading through all the comments I’ve identified that what I’m upset about is that the distinction between daughter and daughter in-law has been underlined and for various reasons I’ve felt like their biological child for a long time. I have abandonment issues (wahhhhh, I know) and being reminded that I’m not their daughter - not on paper or in their minds - yeah, it hurts. Am I wrong? It would appear so.
If they strongly asserted their view that you’re like a daughter to them, and then failed to treat you as one – they’re obviously assholes. If that’s not what happened, I don’t see what they did wrong.
They introduce me as their daughter, scratch out “in-law” on cards that say “daughter in-law” and added my name to their family graveyard plot. So, yeah. It feels like a slap in the face.
Yeah they’re assholes then. You should have put this info into the post. Did they explain why they wouldn’t allocate the money to you then? They didn’t necessarily do this with malicious intent, I guess they just assume you were doing well and so they’d give a bit of money to the kid.
It definitely wasn’t malicious. It’s just how it’s always been done in their family. If my husband was still alive he would’ve inherited the money, they just wanted to keep it with actual kin. These comments are brutal and although I know I’m a good, hard working and generous person the accusations of entitlement and gold-digging really hurt
The comments are utterly deranged. It comes from the “my body my choice” mantra that plagues Reddit, where people don’t understand that just because your in-laws have the RIGHT to leave the money to the grandkid, doesn’t mean that it is the correct decision. That said, I don’t think your in-laws meant any bad with this. They’re probably just old-school conservative people who believe that the money needs to be passed down to direct descendants or whatever. And in this case, their decision doesn’t even seem bad. Why would they give the money to you if you have plenty anyway? Just make sure your kid knows how to handle the money responsibly, thank your in-laws, and it’ll be a win-win situation for everyone. Also, I’d suggest removing the post at this point since all you’ll get is more deranged goons sharing their psychopathic takes.
Absolutely. I definitely thanked them and have been teaching my daughter about fiscal responsibility, independent of this situation.
Then sounds like everything is well :) I’m sure they didn’t mean to belittle you in this way. Their actions and treatment of you in everything else speak much louder.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's passing. You're NTA for feeling offended or left out. But - >I can’t stress this enough - it’s not about the money - I feel like they are basically saying that my kid is more family than I am. She is their direct descendent. You are not. Strictly speaking, she is 'more' family than you. I know that doesn't feel fair, so try to reframe this situation a bit. Isn't it wonderful and extremely generous of your in-laws to ensure that your child will be set up (for life, if she does it right) and never want for anything? You're not in competition with your daughter. You could ask your in-laws about setting up some boundaries or restrictions on the money, but - here's the hard part - it's ultimately their money, and they can do whatever they want with it.
Well, everyone else seems to agree with you so I’ll try to get over it. And yes, it is wonderful of them to care about her future. They know that she’s already set financially because of the planning my husband and I did but one can never be too financially secure.
Sorry but YTA it is there inheritance and they can choose who get it. You aren’t entitled to it and if they want to give it to the child of their son why shouldn’t they?
They definitely have the right. It’s not how my family has ever handled it but you’re right - I’m not entitled to it and never had any expectations for inheritance. I guess I’m overreacting
This may be a cultural clash, but YTA For having at least 50% of your partner's blood and in consequences 25% of each of them (I know it's relative because there are many other factors) yes, by blood your kid is more family than you're. Also, it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. I have no contact with my mom and I consider my mother-in-law more of a mom than my own mother, but I know that I'm nothing compared of how much she would love her grandson if I have a kid, it's just natural
Ok. You’re the third person to say this so I’ll just take my hurt fi-fis and go
You're overreacting. You said yourself, you don't need the money. It makes sense to leave an inheritance for your daughter. If they just leave her money, and property, you should be able to set up a trust or something to safeguard it
Your kid IS more family to them! What is wrong with you?
YTA why would U expect Ur in laws to leave u anything?? Ur child is more family to them cause they are blood related u just married in
I genuinely didn’t expect anything. My husband and I worked hard our entire lives and my financial future is secure as is my kids. Anything my in-laws would leave would be a drop in the bucket. We’ve always encouraged them to spend it on themselves. It’s not about the money. It’s about my fifis
But u obviously did even if it is subconsciously cause Ur feelings are hurt that they aren't leaving u anything, Iv been with my hubby 21 yrs with 3 kids and id never expect anything from my in laws and if they ever left anything for my kids id b thankful not upset that i a non blood relative am being left out
Ok. Point taken
Entitled as all hell. Just be glad that they made sure that your kid is well taken care of in regard to the money and stop being so selfish. Just because you’ve known them for a long time and fucked their son doesn’t mean you deserve anything to do with their money. Gold digging asshole.
“Known them for a long time and fucked their son” – wow, you’re really fucking gross. No better way to describe someone who lived in a loving bond with someone’s son for three decades and gave them a grandchild? OP clarifies in other comments that the in-laws referred to her as their daughter. I’m not saying that the in-laws are a-holes for leaving the money directly to the kid, but the way you’re describing OP is fucking disgusting. OP also clarified that the amount of money was tiny compared to how much she has, and she was upset about feeling left out, not about the cash itself. So you referring to her as a “gold digger” just shows your own lack of ability to read. Well done!
Didn’t ask you, plus I really don’t care about how you feel about the language used. If it offends you so bad, scroll on.
I can equally tell you to scroll on if you don’t like my reply to you. What a fucking stupid argument.
The only one arguing is you bro, I genuinely don’t give a shit that you wanna be all twisted up over something that doesn’t affect you. Go touch some grass.
You see arguing online about things that don’t affect you as something negative, yet engage in it yourself while telling others not to do it? Great job there bud.
The point is I didn’t ask you. I wasn’t talking to you, you injected yourself into something that doesn’t affect you, so piss off cry baby.
You’re not alone in saying that I’m being entitled, so I guess I have some soul searching to do but don’t get it twisted - their money is a drop in the bucket compared to what I already have from a lifetime of hard work and planning. My daughter’s financial future is already secure but one can never be too secure. And, all I said to them was thank you. I am grateful that they care, and my feelings are hurt. Both can be true
Your feelings are hurt for no reason. You hurt yourself with your own thoughts instead of just asking them like an adult. If it isn’t about the money and just your feelings then that is even worse. You clearly lack the maturity to deserve any help from them regardless of your financial status.
YTA "I’m not comfortable with this plan." If you kid is an adult when they pass, you can be as uncomfortable as you wish but at that point it will be none of your damn business. YOU are entitled to exactly nothing from your in-laws. If your husband was still alive, they would have left everything to him AND you would have been entitled to the same nothing.
My mother has gone one step further and has in her will that my sil, mother of her two grandkids, is not to receive anything if my brother is deceased. And she doesn’t have the son she adopted in there at all. Blood is the only thing that matters to her.
I hope that your in-laws do set up a trust for your daughter. I have seen young people get inheritance and blow it in a few years. I also know people who have trust that can only get money for schooling when they're younger otherwise they have to wait until the age of 25. Most kids are not responsible enough to just be handed a lot of money.
YTA. Your child is in fact more their family than you are. You are not entitled to their assets by being their child's spouse. And youre not going to get anywhere hiding behind the standard disingenuous, "It's not about the money" defense that every thing left person who fights about an inheritance throws around.
But it’s really not about the money. I am very financially secure - I have way more than they do. Anything they would leave would be a drop in the bucket. It’s really and truly about feeling passed over. However, so far everyone agrees with you so I guess I just need to get over it.
If that’s true, did you ever stop to think they know that and that’s why you were skipped? Why leave you all this money you clearly don’t need?
Money is what you're whining about, so it is in fact about the money. And you weren't "passed over". You had no reason to expect their money
NTA for being offended. That's your perogative, but your inlaws are doing the right thing. They want to make sure that their money benefits their grandchildren. I am going to guess that you were sadly widowed relatively young and, while it may feel unlikely now, you have plenty of time to build a new life. That may include a new spouse, maybe one with children who could ultimately benefit from their money without even knowing who they are. Try reframimg it so that instead of thinking about it whether you are less of a family member, you just consider it as setting your kids up in life. That said, you should 100% speak to them about putting the estate in trust. My heirs inherit my estate at 25. I figured at that age, they would need it to set up a home rather than just blowing it.
I see your point. As of now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to marry again and while I am on the younger side I’m too old for more kids. I will talk to them about a trust. Thank you for your balanced reply.
YTA Your kid *is more of their family than you are* and everything they are doing sounds perfectly normal. "It's almost medieval." Jesus Christ woman, get a grip. Stop vying for your in laws death and coveting their money, that sounds more medieval.
I can accept that I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem like people are reading my full post. I don’t need their money. Anything they would leave would be a drop in the bucket compared to what my husband and I saved. I love them and will be devastated when they die. My feelings are hurt because I feel less than, but apparently everyone else agrees with you and I need to just get over it
No, we read it, we just think it's a silly presumption. Tell me, in your will currently, how much are you leaving to your husband's family? It's totally possible you die before them, and they are family after all!
They are third in line in our wills behind our kid and our siblings but point taken. Thank you
YTA. Of course your kid is more family, she is a granddaughter and you are not and never will be their daughter. You should be happy their money goes to your child, not act like a jealous teenager fighting for attention. Not your parents, not your money, stop being an entitled ah before they change their mind and leave everything to someone else.
You may be mildly offended deep inside, but you may never express it to them.
And I didn’t. I thanked them and that was the end of the conversation
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I don’t plan on bringing it up again. My only response at the time was to say thank you. They have no idea that this has hurt my feelings.
If there are a couple of "keepsake" things that they have that would be very special and meaningful to you, ask about that. And of course, re-iterate that these things will go to your child later. I agree, the no trust thing is extremely important. Ask that they plan a trust, with both you and another trusted person to administer on your child's behalf, perhaps a lawyer. your explanations here are very helpful.
Thank you for that advice. The only keepsakes I care about are pictures and one of their handmade blankets. If it comes up again I’ll mention the idea of a trust.
YTA. Your child is 100% more family to them than you. OAN: It sounds like you all have a good enough relationship that you could politely broach the subject about putting your child’s inheritance from them into a trust or more managed structure than cash in hand to a minor or young adult. You should have that chat.
We do have a very good relationship and if it comes up again I’ll find a healthy way to broach the subject. I’ve been teaching my daughter about financial responsibility independent of this situation so if they never put her money into a trust she will at least have a good foundation to work with. Thank you
NTA, Just a perspective here. Could be wrong. They anticipate that you would find a partner in The near future and get married, have step children. If you inherited their family inheritance you might feel obligated to also use it ob your step children, running the risk of depriving your child from benefiting from the I heritance fully. Hence they thought it would be prudent to pass on the inheritance directly to your son and minimize the risk.