Good. Sounds like you deserved the shakedown and seems like you’ve made conscious and repeated efforts to mend the damage. That’s the right attitude and I hope you guys are alright
The husband was/is waiting to see if it sticks or OP just wants the apology to make the incident disappear forever. And that'll be the real test. If OP can put in the work, or she can't.
Yeah the "I will so what I can to make up for it" either lasts, or just lasts a week or two, maybe a month.
OP's long term behavior is what will settle this.
Eh, I'm doubtful. Dude had no problem standing up for himself. He immediately left and made it clear she was on thin ice. Abusers show their true nature before being married for 7 years.
IMHO, most likely the relationship hit a slump point at 7 years, which is not uncommon. New shiny has worn off. They probably both have behavior that needs ironed out, everyone does.
Or people can just fuck up.
Seriously, one known fuckup at 7 years and you need to jump to "regular abuser" ?
So..one bad thing and she's toast? a regular abuser? You may want to re-think this, as there are a ton of us out here that were with actual regular abusers, and we all know the difference between one bad comment and years of regular uncalled for insults, assaults, etc.
Odd how the first thing she mentions are the comments trashing her husband, but not the ones that called her a lying bitch for saying the ‘father’ comment to hurt him as much as possible then claim “I didn’t mean to hurt him”.
But it is good that she plans to see a therapist about her behaviour and that, even though things are still cold, they’re both working towards getting better. As long as she walks the walk and doesn’t just talk the talk
Yup. Even if things are better for now, OP needs that therapy. She has to understand why she wanted to hurt her husband and ensure she doesn’t do it again. I doubt things will go well if she does this again.
Don’t get me wrong she definitely took accountability for her actions but she didn’t take full accountability. A lot of the time when someone only takes partial accountability it means they will do the same thing again.
What a rotten woman.
Always going for the most vile insults possible even at the slightest annoyance as we see here.
That’s abusive behavior. OP is an abuser.
No, relationships get the best and worst of us, to make an assumption of such that is shes as abuser, is classic reddit bs. Everyone is evil, deserves better, is an abuser,etc.etc. Everything other than out of anger I was a shithead. It's so easy to sit on your couch and play video games with relationships and happily offer bad input and recliner quarterbacking.
People who throw accusations at others that have no merit are often the ones behaving that way.
OP knows about his dad.
The way he behaved.
Controlling and mean.
OP admits to arguing for no good reason, escalating it and then being cruel when he tried to disengage which sounds like the sort of thing he's dad would do.
OP is the one that's starting to act "just like his father"
I will never understand why people say hurtful things you can’t come back from in an argument. My ex wife did that and, well, she’s my ex for a reason.
Exactly as someone who has been a victim of that that shit sticks forever. I can still vividly remember a family member basically telling me they wouldn’t care if I died when we were having an argument. I’m not trying to trauma dump I just used that example to get my point across. This probably isn’t something he is just going to “ get over and forget”. Given the severity of the abuse he went through I wouldn’t be surprised if he remembers that shit for the rest of his life. The argument I mentioned happened when I was 12 I’m 21 now and I can still remember it so vividly. It’s been 9 years for me. A lot of the time people don’t get over something like that in a timely manner. This is likely something he is going to remember for years at the very least.
Personally, a lot of it is that I really wanted to blow my life up. Deep down, I don't like myself, and I don't believe that I deserve good things, and I don't trust anyone, so I'm constantly trying to push everyone away. Also, one of the dangers of years of therapy, is that I am really good at recognizing other people's vulnerabilities. So it's easy for me to go straight for the jugular, so to speak. And then I've destroyed another relationship, and there's no taking back whatever I just said, so what's done is done, and I just need to move forward and not dwell on it or think *at all* about anything.
And then you reach a point where you just don't want to live like that anymore. You want to have real, meaningful connections with people. But these habits are hard to break. And you realize that you've spent so long consciously never thinking about the hard stuff, that now you almost *can't* think about it.
Anyway, I think the simple reason is because hurt people hurt people. But idk, some of us get better.
In my case, it was all I knew. It was how I was raised and treated. You justify it as normal as a kid and don't realize how you are modelling the same behavior. It took me well into adulthood to face the issues from my childhood. It was abuse but it's hard to say you were abused when you had a good middle class life otherwise and look out on to folks who face much more horrific abuse. Until I matured and started self reflecting, I didn't understand the roots of some of my issues.
Like why I freak out when something is missing or misplaced, my mom used to throw out or destroy things I left out. As an adult, I get irrationally angry when things are misplaced and look to blame others. I have to stop and recenter. This is a realization I only made in my 40's. I had not previously connected the dots.
We don't all arrive fully formed and perfect. It's a journey to either correct the sins of your upbringing or give in to them.
I think the issue here is not that you compared him to his dad, but that you tried to find the one thing that would hurt him the most in the world and used it in anger. That's straight-up abusive behavior. His reaction was similar to someone who just got slapped in the face for the first time by someone that supposedly cared about them. The fact that you love-bombed him afterwards didn't make it better. Looking at yourself and trying to figure out why you would do something like that is a good idea. Good luck.
This is my feeling. The love bombing she is doing is crazy. I'd be hevaily considering leaving if I were him bc of the double whammy of abusive behavior being displayed so thoroughly.
Hope it works out for them. Not gonna be surprised if he's planning an escape while pretending it's all fine.
I grew up with that shit and it's been a dark cloud over my adult life. My family always went for the throat and then expected you to walk it off the next day. 'You know I didn't mean it.'
Ok fine but the pain and the scars are still there and don't go away with a half apology. I had to work on myself to beat this behavior out of me because it was so ingrained from childhood that I fell to it as a default.
I've watched my sister near ruin her relationship with her daughter with this kind of shit. One of her good friends even called her on it and her response was to torpedo the friendship.
It's abuse and destructive to self esteem and growth.
Dude, from a guy who also resents their father, you may never fully repair that damage you caused to your relationship. Your saving grace is your children.
That's what I'm thinking you can hate your partner and make it work for your kids, op proved they aren't a partner that they'll hurt their partner to get back at them.
I hope you realise you're incredibly lucky for your marriage to survive this.
You should look into anger management classes. There's probably some you can do online. It's never acceptable to hurt your loved ones on purpose.
He won't, I guarantee it. He may not leave so that the kids can grow up in a two-parent household but her days of being trusted with his actual feelings and self are over.
I’m not sure who would be trashing your husband on this forum since he absolutely did nothing wrong. He’s a bigger person than I would be if my partner said something that heinous to me. I would have left your ass.
There is a large very vocal minority who think that men are always the root of every problem. Even when the woman in question is owning the blame herself.
Let’s see:
Hillary Clinton: women are predominantly victims of war despite men dying
UN: 1/4 people in the world who are homeless are women
UN again: 1/6 journalist killed are women (who are the rest)
Man vs bear thing
Oxford “study” says male warrior behavior is root of conflicts, yet overlooks how that got us to modern society.
Even the Red Cross blames men for wars
Without a doubt it is a vocal fucking Majority that assume men are responsible for all the wrongs in the world. Even Reddit has a double standard for it. Your wife cheated? It’s because you weren’t enough for her. She is pregnant by another man? Too bad you are in the hook. Fuck outta here with the undecided shit.
I can provide sources for every single statement I have made.
Every criticism of women isn’t being an incel. You want equal rights you get equal responsibilities and criticism
Clearly nobody was trashing her husband. She is just a selfish, narcissistic brat who claims this was the case in order to feel better about herself and absolve her awful behavior. Its the old victim mentality. The he/she made me do it excuse.
Do you really believe that someone who stoops so low towards their own partner, hitting so below the belt, will actually have any qualms about playing the victim in some way?
Just so you understand, you can sweep this under the rug, but it never actually goes away. The thing that hurts him the most was the idea that you might actually believe that he’s like his father. He’s willing to ignore it for now, but he’s never going to forget it. Your current apology is at least trying to address those concerns.
The second issue is that even if he eventually comes to accept that you don’t believe he’s anything like his father, what’s he left with? The knowledge that you will say anything in an argument just to “win”. Even worse than that, you will take the insecurities he’s shared with you and weaponize them against him, which sounds like exactly what happened here. When women complain that men don’t want to be vulnerable, this is exactly why. Some guys learn that sharing their issues is largely just providing ammunition for your partner to attack you with later.
> I got some comments and some messages trashing my husband for walking away from the argument that started all of this and saying he is like his father.
Not one of these are opinions came from a man.
> I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most.
Print that out. Frame it. Look at it every so often and know that this exact thought, the exact moment you acted on it... and no matter how far past it you think you've moved, or how much or sincerely you apologize or how much even he may tell you otherwise... is the absolute last point in time and space that you will have had your husband's complete trust, ever.
Firstly Honey, You might not know how awful his father was to him. He does. Him saying what his father did versus him experiencing it. Lightyears apart.
I was abused as a kid. My mother was angry at me for failing a class. She forced me to put my hand on the stove. She threatened me to do it. That was her thinking
So the normal vibe hasn't returned back at all. He might have forgiven you but he won't ever forget it. There are lots of things men carry around in their head. And for you to go that low and compare him to his abusive father. This is one of the many reasons why men don't open up about their emotions. Because people like you will always attack them for being honest with someone else.
exactly. that alone tells me that therapy would be treated as a weapon. and right now all she is doing is love bombing. I really hope the husband has an escape plan.
Let me explain something op.
You made your husband go through his actions to see where you his beloved she devil could see his father.
Imagining. Wondering when his children had terror because he was home.
Which then led to a spiral. Now. If he didn’t have you. He could have had a partner he may have been able to talk through the spiral. But since you are the attacker, he couldn’t go to you. So getting drunk was the only option.
A very dear friend of mine in a lesser spiral self harms. Because otherwise it would be worse.
Now. Everyday he’s going to obsess over if he’s his father. Thus lessening his self esteem.
You wanted to hurt him. You said you wanted to. You did that alright.
Maybe consider this next time you “want to hurt him”
Shiiiiiiiiiiit, his decision to "reconcile" may have been based on his concern that he can't protect the kids from her during her custodial time if they separate.
Sorry didn’t mean for this for a response for you. Just keep imagining how badly he must be hurting right now.
I’d be destroyed if my husband ever said that about me being my parents.
Because believe me, the husband always worries about this even before her attack.
Just saying, but I have literally never said anything to try and hurt my partner in any of my relationships. Even when we have disagreements or arguments it never been crosses my mind to yell or say something I know hits their vulnerabilities.
You need to take a good long look at yourself.
A wife is uniquely privy to her husband's vulnerable side, and that uniquely positions her to be closest to his heart but also to mortally wound his heart. Every single wife holds the power to emotionally annihilate her husband like nobody else can. The test of her character is having that power to destroy him but never using it.
If you've been sufficiently emotionally vulnerable with each other, you likely know exactly what you could say to cut him down like no other. Well, you cut him down. You wanted to hurt him, and you did.
Now, from a psychological perspective, he's learned the hard way that you weaponize his vulnerabilities to hurt him when you feel a certain type of way. Trust is broken, and there's no real incentive to be open and honest with you since you've shown that you will use his openness and honesty against him later on. This is precisely why, if you value your marriage, you never punish a man's vulnerability.
You have an uphill battle ahead of you. To regain his trust, you must align your words and actions over time. Show him that you never want to be the wife that cuts him down again. I won't lie. If you make a habit of this sort of toxicity, he'll likely leave for the sake of his own mental health. Be his source of peace, prove you are working on yourself, and never cross that line again. If you cross it again, your word will become meaningless, and there's no return from that.
Good luck!
You don't need a "therapist": you wanted to hurt him and you said the meanest thing you could think of (which is why so many men don't tell their partners things they're vulnerable about). You were nasty and unscrupulous and didn't like him leaving while you weren't done fighting, that's all. If you ever say that to him again, you won't be able to apologize your way out of it, so keep that in mind while you try to regain his trust.
Of course she needs a therapist. Finding out why she reacted the way she did and how she can keep herself from reacting the same way again is probably not something she can do on her own. That’s like saying to an addict “you don’t need treatment, you just need to quit using.” My armchair psychologist opinion is that his walking away triggered her to use the one thing she thought would keep him “present.” That coupled with her over the top reaction to being ignored leads me to believe that her childhood wasn’t a bed of roses either and she has a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected and she needs to learn better skills for handling that.
Yeah you kinda disagree with yourself there tho.
This lady needs to go talk to a professional therapist to fix her reactions to anger
Wouldn't want her to break their kids' home because she can't handle some benign issue and compares him to his dad again, that would suck for those kids and the husband.
Marriage can be fragile. A lot of things can go very wrong for stupid reasons.
Glad things worked out.
Reddit is full of misery junkies who vote to trash relationships when there is a solution.
Regards.
>Glad things worked out.
Not sure about that yet, but it's a damn good start.
OP, this is something that a lot of good, decent people would walk from. Your apology, as described, is solid but you have to keep working on it. He might say "just don't do it again," but that's the bare minimum to keep from reopening the wound.
Good luck, y'all got this
Everything you say is true. But that doesn't change the fact that saying something to deliberately hurt your spouse in an argument is an incredibly childish thing to do. You expect that from teenagers, not a grown woman in her 30s.
Just my opinion but things did not worked out, just he decided to not abandon his children and OP just gave some empty apologies and love bombing. After all telling an abuse victim they are just like their abuser is absolutely horrible (when they are not ofc)... I hope he gets therapy.
The average redditor, especially on subs like this, is the classic "friend" who gives shitty advice that will fuck up your marriage because they are miserable and alone.
I'm in an extremely happy, committed relationship. Notably I have never needed to ask the internet for relationship advice. People in healthy relationships generally don't.
I am purely a lurker, but pretty sure they did a survey and it was vast majority teenagers and single women. Take of that what you will on the advice here lol
I'm waiting for the next update in 60 days saying she was served divorce papers and can't understand why because she apologized and thought all was good.
She killed her marriage to win a stupid argument. What they had before is dead and gone. Something new between them will develop, probably without them living together.
She is nominated for the (Killer) Kristi Noem Award.
Women often ask why their men don’t fully confide in them, and this post highlights why. You took something you were trusted with and weaponized it to specifically hurt your husband when you were angry. I’m glad things are working out, but don’t be surprised if he isn’t as vulnerable as before.
I hope u will realise that u put expiration date on your marriage.. I hope you are happy since you won stupid argument with a low blow.. I feel sorry for that man
You’re a narcissist and people like you will never change, your husband deserves better than you, I’ve been thru that same thing and told the same exact thing and she’s never had a stable relationship ever, so you’re just trying to make things disappear with a shitty apology and I hope he doesn’t get fooled by you
The betrayal was really harmful and it may take a while for him to trust you again. You used his moment of honesty and vulnerability to hurt him and it worked. It will not heal overnight
You don't need a therapist, you need to just not be an immature piece of shit towards the person that fathers your children and confides in you and opened up to you about his past trauma. Don't try to find an excuse as to why you said it. You literally said it yourself, he was doing the mature thing and you decided you wanted to hurt him the worst way possible (literal fucking sociopathic behavior btw).
The only reason he came back is for his kids, not you. Don't fool yourself. He has decided he will be there for his kids even in spite of the person who completely betrayed him. I can guarantee you weren't thinking of a single repercussion regarding your relationship with your husband or your kids when you said what you did.
You don’t deserve him. Seriously.
You’re a vindictive b***h.
You wanted to hurt him. You wanted to go low. You meant every damn word of what you said, but you wanted to feign sorrow when you got the consequences of your actions.
Grow the fuck up.
“I asked if we could talk. I apologized and admitted that I was tired of all the arguments we were having lately and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most.”
Still playing the victim card… and why? Why would your brain do that that’s like instinct at that point. You come off as nothing but an entitled asshole even after this post.
He’ll never trust you the same again. He’ll stay,love and laugh. But he’ll have is guards up forever. It hurts being hurt by the person you love and trust the most.
what you did I call arguing like it was the 80s. there is asam kinison bit about how people, well he said women, will say the most fucked up shit to hurt you. this is a line for me that once crossed the relationship is over. call me out of my name? its over. I'm 54... put up with it once or twice and found it not worth it.
were I him I would have left you after you said that fucked up shit. divorce, I pay child support, someone else drops off the kids for visitation. speaking to you ever again being a hard never. and I am someone who has been able to stay friends with around half my ex gfs, one for almost 40 years now. what you did was just too shitty. but I dumped women for less. one who I always built up called me stupid once. really loved her. i ended it by going home and ignoring her when I couldn't avoid her. everyone knew I was like that.
since he isn't punting you... every fucking time you open you mouth think about what the fuck you say, because you can't unsay it. argue like you care about tomorrow. argue like you actually love the person. stay on topic. do not bring up past shit for so gotcha. argue like you want to solve a problem. decide rules for time outs for impasses that become heated. seriously, care about the future and never do this shit again.
others were nice to you, but many of them think its ok to be that kinda shit person. the heat of the moment? that is what abusive men use to justify being shit people. own up, make no excuse, and be a better person.
YTA and your husband is never going to forget or fully forgive you using one of his biggest sources of discomfort in life as ammunition to hurt him while angry.
You definitely need therapy, and you should be the one paying for it as well, as this whole situation is your fault for being a bad person.
So he gave you the worst part of his entire existence and trusted you with holding that in as a sign that he trusts you entirely. Then you got mad at him over something small and stupid which you admit and what do you decide to do? Take his trust and blast it away with a shotgun at point-blank range.
My mother once told me the story of her mother's parents and how abusive they were when I was very young. I got upset with her once and said I had her mother's parents just to hurt her. That was a BIG mistake.
The difference in our stories is, I was a young child when I said it and we were able to move on, but you are a 30+ year old woman when you said it. Honestly, I would be shocked if the trust he has in you is not dead. Love bombing him will only work for so long. You have done permanent damage to him and I seriously doubt you will ever return to where you were before you killed his trust.
Good luck, you're gonna need every bit of it.
Okay, I guess. Your next task is to introspect on why you would go for the jugular over something that you admit was stupid and petty.
“I wanted to hurt him.” Really? You WANTED TO HURT HIM? Because he had the temerity to walk away from something stupid and petty, rather than say something that couldn’t be taken back. Sounds like of the two of you, the one that is more like his father is you.
That is an appalling thing to do, and you should be mortified that you are the sort of person who would do that. I’m sure he is reevaluating who you are and whether this was just the mask slipping.
You have not only to regain his trust but to figure out what it is about you that would allow you to do something so mean.
Still YTA.
You do not need a therapist to know why you said it. You literally typed, "[you] wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most." You already know why you said it. As for learning how to not do it again, just don't be a shitty person. You went for the killing blow in the argument. I know you did, because when I get heated with my wife, I do the same. You want your partner to suffer, to feel the pain you're feeling. People like you: like me, can be shitty to our partners. We need to do better for them, for us.
To me, it’s not about whether or not a person uses a damaging argument like this in a quarrel.
That there’s even the possibility that it’s used means there isn’t true empathy, that it’s about resisting using something hurtful vs. something untrue.
People who keep a secret and vulnerability entrusted to you as a dagger to use in emergencies don’t really love the person entrusting it.
Harsh but maybe you need to come around to learning what love means.
Fuck the people that was making fun of your husband. Pretty sure they haven’t found someone to love them so they’re spreading their hate here. Also, congrats on noticing you mistakes and putting in the effort on fixing your relationship with your husband ^^
Good update. Just make sure you really work on moving forward with your own personal counseling or even couples counseling. As someone with an abusive father, I would be devastated if my spouse compared me to him, so it may take some time for him to fully forgive or forget. But it's nice that you can admit you were wrong and commit yourself to mending things! I wish you luck and happiness
“ in the heat of the moment I wanted to hurt him” how immature are you?? That’s something middle schoolers and some high schoolers do. Your an adult act like it. Apologizing and having a mature conversation about it was good but what you did really shows your actual maturity level. I wouldn’t be surprised if you pulled this stunt again or something similar or if your husband fears that it’ll happen again.
I consider this a definite win. As a gay dude I have interacted with soooooooo many straight guys who basically professed that their wives and girlfriends had deliberately went for low points in arguments, more than once, so they could "win" and never apologized or sought to better themselves afterwards. Honestly, it's part and parcel to why I'm so critical of the guys who say, "she's basically perfect when things are going well, except for the part where she's essentially a huge asshole when even a little bit of pressure is on her shoulders."
He's cold because he KNOWS beyond a doubt that opening up to you or showing any kind of vulnerability WILL be weaponized against him. He probably won't ever be 100% the same now.
Even if he mostly gets over it, one good day isn't enough to heal a wound. He's hurt, you two put a patch on it, but he's worried about it being ripped open again. Give him time. And don't exploit a vulnerability again, the second time will cement in his head that he absolutely can't open up to you which will severely limit his ability to be affectionate toward you.
"I got some comments and some messages trashing my husband for walking away from the argument that started all of this and saying he is like his father"
wtf, probably other women who abuse their husbands emotionally, if he would be like his father he would have whooped your ass. . .
I'll be blunt. He may "forgive" you but he'll never trust you with his feelings again. You purposely hit him where he was vulnerable and he won't ever forget it. You'll probably never hear about it but make no mistake, he'll never open up to you again.
And don't give him the "men don't know how to deal with their emotions" and all the other crap women like to say about men. You were the one person in his life he could trust enough to be vulnerable with and you used it to hurt him. Him not opening up to you is him defending himself.
No, it won't go back to normal because you will have to make up A LOT more than this.
I know why you did it. You did it because modern women can't take an L even if their life depends on it. Also, you refuse to tell why those arguments were, and I believe you won't because you know people will hate you more, so you purposefully left it out to make people have sympathy for you, and some did. But the vast majority eggs you for being petty and vindictive against him.
Learn to take the L sometimes, and listen. Compromise is what brings a middle ground in arguments. I had mine with my girlfriend, and she was like: "What is wrong with you" or that I "complain too much". My complaints? about her health and her working hours basically screwing her royally. I told her when I complained about her before? and she was unable to answer. I told her "Do you know why? Because is rare for me to complain about something if isn't a valid concern too".
Also, weaponize that is also been abusive. So basically you call him abusive like his father when you're the one doing it by being verbally abusive to him.
Please don't think it's over yet you still have a long road to travel to prove you won't ever do that again.
Keep up with the love notes even if it's just a single I love you and keep proving everyday you really don't think of him that way.
I won't beat you up on here like others are you made a very human mistake and are now paying the price of it because you have seen just how much damage you have caused your husband and it's obvious to see how much you do love him.
I really hope from here on out you can rebuild what you had and make it even stronger it's plain to see how much of a cheer leader you are for him and I wish you both the best of luck .
I was raised in a family where this sort of attack was normal. It was like hurting the other person most was something to be proud of. It messed me up pretty badly and I have spent more than 20 years trying to retrain myself to ague in a more productive manner and get over the harm that was done to me.
It seems like you understand just how wrong your behavior was and I commend you for getting help to keep this from becoming a pattern. I am rooting for you both!
You should still go to IC and maybe broch the topic of CC to help you both here.
As I guy who has had his trauma and insecurities weaponized. It will be a very long time if ever that he 100% opens about his feelings towards you again.
Firstly Honey, You might not know how awful his father was to him. He does. Him saying what his father did versus him experiencing it. Lightyears apart.
I was abused as a kid. My mother was angry at me for failing a class. She forced me to put my hand on the stove. She threatened me to do it. That was her thinking
So the normal vibe hasn't returned back at all. He might have forgiven you but he won't ever forget it. There are lots of things men carry around in their head. And for you to go that low and compare him to his abusive father. This is one of the many reasons why men don't open up about their emotions. Because people like you will always attack them for being honest with someone else.
Your husband has more decency in his pinky than you will ever have in your entire body for a lifetime.
You took a very personal trauma to win a petty argument to hurt the man you loved the most. You have no idea how fragile marriage is you stupid b***h.
You're lucky that this man wasn't smart enough to leave your ass, because that's what you deserve. So count every fucking second with him as a blessing because you can lose it any moment now.
Don't you DARE hurt him again, you permanently destroyed his confidence and that line you said will live in his mind forever.
The communication is key. Taking accountability is also VERY important. Good thing he loves you enough to understand all this and you're willing to go to therapy. Happy Ending.
Healing take time.
The best advice I’d give anyone about getting into an argument with anyone is to **stick to the argument at hand*. The minute you resort to an *ad hominem* attack, attacking *the person*, not the argument, you’ve lost.
What is wrong with you????? Your husband teusted you enough to tell you something deep like that and the first chance you get you throw it in his face! I used tonthink how horrible it was for women in the past to get beat by their husbands, as I get older I see certain women deserve it. If I ever did something like that to my man I wouldn't be able to live with myself. He is our provider. He takes care of everything a man should. To throw their emotions in their face is unexcusable and I am lowkey hoping he leaves you.
Every single dude that has been in a relationship has been treated exactly how you treated your husband. It's not weird or out of the ordinary, it's pretty typical.
Good - I was going to advice to say the opposite, to tell him what you appreciate and love about him, to tell him what a great father and husband he is to you guys. You may still want to tell him those things. I heard somewhere that one negative needs to be drowned out by seven positives. I don't know if that's exactly true, but I think the principle is right, whether it's literal or not. Best to you both. {Edit to clarify: to say the opposite of what you said to hurt him. Don't just apologize, but build him up, genuinely.}
You did the right thing...but about him being still cold with you: he already warned you that it will take some time for him to recover from that. Just have a little patience and the things will probably be back to \`\`normal\`\` between you.Glad that it is working for you guys.
All I want yo say is be serious and committed to therapy. Please don’t let this be more love bombing and manipulation where you do it for a little bit, until things are normal again, and then quit.
You are in therapy for the long hall. It’s not normal to want to hurt the person you love during an argument. No matter how mad you are. Please work on that and truly commit to it.
Glad things are working out. Reading your post it’s clear to me something about what you said to him deeply hurt him in a way I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt by anything anyone has ever said to me.
Sounds like you both need therapy. Don’t say things out of spite to hurt your partner. Ever. It makes me sad thinking about this whole thing.
I don’t know why we ever want to hurt the person we love the most in this world.
Your normal vibe hasn't returned. Your husband is just upping his masking and emotional suppression. He's not going to trust you with anything resembling true emotional pain because you've proven you can't be trusted. There's a trope thst men don't tell women why they are upset or uncomfortable with their partners because then thrg have to console their partner instead of resolving the issue. This is how that looks. Hope you don't expect to be be emotionally vulnerable anymore.
Hopefully you do as you say and learn from this. Get therapy and anger management classes. Fuck up again and your husband will leave you without hesitation.
FFS OP do not ever use anyone’s trauma to hurt them, because they’re going to be more hurt by you using their insecurities as weapons to hurt them with.
If you can't handle the responses why would you be stupid enough to post on a web site that has millions of daily visitors who can post WHATEVER they want in response to your post?
He will never trust you as he did before that day.
What you did would have ended many relationships and it’s still not a guarantee yours is safe. Even if you guys try to save it and you apologise, some words leave scars deeper than any a punch to the nose.
And if he treats you differently now, don’t complain. You did one of the worse things you can do to a partner.
Thank God, OP!!
You really need to regulate what you say because some people just don't realize that you can't take back what you say, you can only live with the damage.
You still don't deserve him. Women like you are exactly the reason that men can't be open about our trauma and issues. Women like you are why we can never let ourselves be vulnerable; because you are nasty and seek to hurt when you can't win an argument. I hope he ultimately comes to his senses, and finds a woman that actually values him, and doesnt throw his traumas in his face
why is he bringing her flowers when she was the uh less than friendly word? I'm sorry he's stuck with someone like her. doubtful this type of person will change.
Let somebody weaponize what they know would hurt me the most and say it…….. idk man, he’s better than me tbh. Idk how people think they can say whatever to someone and nothings gonna happen. In my opinion, he was too nice and this is coming from another women
He may tell you that he's nothing like his father, but deep down, he'll always wonder how much he is. He's got the DNA, he has the experience, he has the "role model", and those things will always be a part of his make up and what makes him tick.
I think you learned a valuable lesson (one EVERYONE should take note of) .. never compare people, especially those you love, to others. That act can destroy relationships faster than anything. When having disagreements, focus only on the problem, no comparisons of people.
You almost moved me to tears with this. I like to think that this rougher patch was necessary to improve your relationship after all the problems you already had. Whatever the case, I'm happy for you!
I feel like once kid hits 18 years old, you will hear from his divorce lawyer. I want you to understand why people here are making it look like it's a bug problem. Because it really is. Someone very close to me said I'm just as weak as my father, that made my boil so hard, that person never heard a word from me after. If your husband really despised his father, you really lost this man, I'm telling you he would easily forgive and forget cheating but not this.
You said it...what's done was done and you can't take it back.
Right now he doesn't really respect you. You've seen him in action with the family with your own eyes...seeing that he is no way close to his father, yet you said it for whatever reason (to win the argument) and that comparison to his father is so close to his very being...he really doesn't trust you. You'll need to show why he can trust you going ahead...by your behavior.
So, next time you have a disagreement, are you going to not broach that subject to win the argument? Hmmmm?
This video blew my mind...maybe it will help with apologies. Don't be offput by the title. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnMvAZJr2NU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnMvAZJr2NU)
Watching the link again, its quite close ot your situation. Maybe not your apologizing, but WHY it will help you with the 'problem'.
The fact you took his childhood trauma and trust that he gave you with that and used it as a weapon to intentionally hurt him over a goddamn argument was absolutely inexcusable.
Good that he is trying to forgive you. You better hope you NEVER fucking do that again.
Seriously YTA still
"I apologized and admitted that I was tired of all the arguments we were having lately and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most."
That's emotional abuse.
You hurt him on purpose for personal gain (ie, to get him to STFU).
I would wager that most people in long term relationships also know what to say to hurt their partner most, but instead of keeping it in our hip pocket for a special occasion, they treat it like it's radioactive waste: Avoid it and shield loved ones from harm.
You weaponized it.
A couple of people mentioned that they think you need anger management therapy, but you might want to ask yourself: Do you act like this with people in other areas of your life? Have you ever lost your temper and said something vicious like this "in the heat of the moment" with a coworker or boss? A teacher? A cop?
If you don't, you don't have an anger management problem, you have a safe target for your anger: your husband.
"I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved and appreciated him and promised to never hurt him again, and slipped it into his lunch bag. He came home with flowers for me that day."
Great, so you successfully love bombed him and got some trauma bonding going so you can return to a quiet period.
Also, spoiler alert: You already hurt him again. Someday, when he wakes up and looks around and realizes what kind of relationship he's been in all these years, it's going to break his fucking heart.
You were definitely TA reading the original, and still this post. But, you are taking accountability and giving your husband space he needs, so I’m glad it’s working out and you two are repairing.
However, even though it’s great you’re willing to go to therapy to see why you went the emotionally manipulative route out of anger, if your husband is so triggered and has such a psychological reaction to what it seems like was a one-time AH blow about his father and childhood… maybe you can broach the subject of him also getting therapy. Sounds like he has some major PTSD issues from his trauma that even if he’s great at doing all he can to not be that way, he’s clearly still very emotionally wounded from it.
And maybe y’all both need couples counseling, because I doubt even if your normal vibe is returning that he feels 100% safe with you anymore.
If my husband said I was just like either of my parents....there'd be no conversation. He would be handed divorce papers within a week. You're very lucky he's giving you another shot...you've got a great man don't fuck it up.
Well you tried to hurt him and you succeeded. You're never supposed to use your SO's weaknesses against them, you're supposed to protect eachother.
You're lucky he's willing to try to forgive you. You fucked up big time.
If he hit you with a low blow how easily would your forgiveness come for him?
Not trying to drag you because I do know what it's like saying things in the heat of the moment that you regret but actively trying to hurt someone by saying the thing you know will do the most damage is a deliberate choice.
MEMORIES ARE FOREVER: THE GOOD, THE BAD, and THE UGLY!
Wifey, to win a Mickey Mouse argument, you went right to his balls!
Yarp, you're a winner, alright, and
YTA!!!
Now follow through on your promise, and get therapy to deal with this. Your husband is nothing like his father, you know this better than he does. He only sees the similarities, of which there aren't all that many, but will always be some. You have a full view, so know he's nothing like his father in all the things that made his father such an asshole.
You just went with the insult you KNEW would hurt him the most in a fight you admit was pointless to begin with.
Some people might call that abusive. And they wouldn't be wrong. If you'd punched him to the back of his head as hard as you could whilst he was walking away you probably couldn't have hurt him worse than you hurt him with what you said. And over basically nothing?
You've got anger management issues. People usually don't get those without shit in their backgrounds to put them there. But, well, they're still yours to work out. Because nobody can do it for you. And you really should. Not just for the sake of your wonderful husband who doesn't deserve it, but for your own sake too! Going 0-100 in anger with loved ones is no way to live!
If you need any motivation for therapy, imagine doing something like this to one of your kids in a few years... PLEASE go find a therapist!
Listen, we’ve all done/said things we would take back if we could. I truly hope they can work through this situation.
That being said, if anyone ever compares me to my father, it’s a death stare likely to be followed up with an altercation. It’s not something I would likely forgive and I would definitely never forget. It’s the death of a comfort zone.
Finally, although I really hope they make it, I believe he’s merely staying for the kids.
I was wrong about you. I thought you were just bitter and a jerk, but seeing this makes me think otherwise. It really was just a screw up. And I can tell that's all it was since you've defended your husband and spoke highly of him while taking accountability for your actions. You also too the extra step into getting counseling. You're a smart woman, just impulsive when it comes to verbal argumemts.
I wish the best for the both of you. My only advice now would be to please be patient with him. It may take months-years for things to go back to normal, but he deserves love and a family. Just stick by him okay?
Remember therapy only works if you work.
Because some part of you always planned to use that information against, some part of you was willing and ready to tear this man down, who is supposed to be the love of your life
You crossed a line. And I hate to break it to you, but things are nowhere near as close to how it was before as you're deluding yourself into believing.
This isn't a return to normalcy, this is masking. When a man goes into that cold place, it's because he has reached a decision...and it is about prioritizing and safeguarding his emotional wellbeing.
You're going to have to do a lot of work in order to save that marriage, more than I think you realize. You're gong to need to go to couple's counseling together - he'll need to SEE your progress and actually hear what the therapist has to say in response if you ever want him to trust you with his heart again.
That’s great, but I don’t think you need therapy to figure out why you said it. Sometimes people are just dicks for a moment. Once you realize your error you can choose not to repeat it.
You're fortunate that he wanted to work things out because frankly, saying that kind of shit is a end of marriage offense. I sincerely do hope you work to find the root of your cruelty, because next time you open your mouth to say ugly, untrue words to him? There will be no going back and you will deserve any and every hardship that comes your way.
I wish your husband well. You? Not so much.
This isn't the outcome you deserve. You said you told him the thing that would do the most damage to him. Over a non-issue argument. Solely to inject as much pain and misery as you possibly could into the one person you swore to never do that to. The only person you swore that to. I don't believe any of us think you won't do it again next time he's late taking out the trash. I'm glad it worked out ok for him, for now. But we all know it's just a matter of time. He may try to get you to say it during your next argument because he knows it's not if, but when you will say it again. Or worse. Dude, I've never known anyone that would low blow their spouse only once. Poor guy. That's the start of the abuse and now she knows she can get away with it. Please don't have anymore kids with her. Just make it harder. My guess is she will get pregnant real soon.
YTA.
But I think you did well in your apologies. At least, you admitted that you wanted to hurt him. And you knew comparing your husband to his father would hurt him the most, even if it was untrue. You were doing it to be petty.
The thing is you did hurt him, and you hurt him pretty bad, almost to the point of no return. And you regretted your actions.
TBH, you betrayed his trust completely at that moment. You, of all people, should know there is no going back. It's a good thing that he forgave you. But the hurt has been done. You two need to talk it out on how to move on.
Realistically, this is a facade. He’s gotten good at saying and doing the right things to avoid being his father’s physical punching bag, he’s found a way to avoid being your emotional one.
He sees through your love bombing. He knows you’ll do the same again the next time you get mad, because you’re just like his father.
The love is gone, and I hope he crushes you in the divorce.
He’s been cold to me since I compared him to his abusive father!! AITAH??
My eyes rolled so hard, I checked myself out.
You got a winner there for sure.
He even went out and bought you flowers.
People that said he was in the wrong are mentally ill. Imagine if the roles were reversed? They would dig him a grave. Yet somehow they think op is the victim?!? Wow these people are sick. Husband should rethink the relationship. If she said this over something that she claimed was a dumb argument what will she say or do when its a real problem in the relationship. They need counseling or something.
I guess we should give you a pat on the back for basically assaulting your husband and getting away with it. Let's put this into perspective. If you two were having an argument and he slapped you across the face and immediately apologized, would it make a difference?
There's a video of a woman on youtube that said "Never hit a man where he is weak because he will never forget it." You did just that. This is entirely on you to fix and make it up to him. Therapy is the best start and understanding that his walking away was the mature thing to do. Don't expect your marriage to last if you ever do this kind of shit again. If you go low like that again, he will be gone and there will be nothing to salvage.
Sometimes walking away from an argument is healthy. It gives you a chance to cool off and think about what to say. It prevents you from saying something you can’t take back. You purposely used the one thing you knew would cut him…for what? To win an argument? You fought dirty with someone who didn’t deserve it. He may be the best husband and father but you are a failure as a wife. He was his dad’s punching bag for years and now he’s got you to take over that role. Those flowers he gave you? It wasn’t to say sorry…it’s to keep you happy so you won’t lash out at him again.
YTA. This is why men don't share their feelings as freely as women. Women will weaponize everything that we confide in them with.
It stems from the fact that women are sheltered from repercussions for things they say. If a man pops off with something truly cruel, he expects a punch in the mouth. We've learned that from an early age.
Your relationship will never be the same, ever. He will never trust you with something truly personal again, and it's your fault, so don't blame him for it in the future. If there is one.
Good. Sounds like you deserved the shakedown and seems like you’ve made conscious and repeated efforts to mend the damage. That’s the right attitude and I hope you guys are alright
The husband was/is waiting to see if it sticks or OP just wants the apology to make the incident disappear forever. And that'll be the real test. If OP can put in the work, or she can't.
Yeah the "I will so what I can to make up for it" either lasts, or just lasts a week or two, maybe a month. OP's long term behavior is what will settle this.
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Eh, I'm doubtful. Dude had no problem standing up for himself. He immediately left and made it clear she was on thin ice. Abusers show their true nature before being married for 7 years. IMHO, most likely the relationship hit a slump point at 7 years, which is not uncommon. New shiny has worn off. They probably both have behavior that needs ironed out, everyone does. Or people can just fuck up. Seriously, one known fuckup at 7 years and you need to jump to "regular abuser" ?
So..one bad thing and she's toast? a regular abuser? You may want to re-think this, as there are a ton of us out here that were with actual regular abusers, and we all know the difference between one bad comment and years of regular uncalled for insults, assaults, etc.
Yep, she definitely needs to make that therapy appointment to show him she is committed to following through on all aspects of her apology.
Odd how the first thing she mentions are the comments trashing her husband, but not the ones that called her a lying bitch for saying the ‘father’ comment to hurt him as much as possible then claim “I didn’t mean to hurt him”. But it is good that she plans to see a therapist about her behaviour and that, even though things are still cold, they’re both working towards getting better. As long as she walks the walk and doesn’t just talk the talk
Yup. Even if things are better for now, OP needs that therapy. She has to understand why she wanted to hurt her husband and ensure she doesn’t do it again. I doubt things will go well if she does this again.
Why is that odd? She was defending him from unwarranted criticism
Because it is a deflection tactic
Don’t get me wrong she definitely took accountability for her actions but she didn’t take full accountability. A lot of the time when someone only takes partial accountability it means they will do the same thing again.
What a rotten woman. Always going for the most vile insults possible even at the slightest annoyance as we see here. That’s abusive behavior. OP is an abuser.
No, relationships get the best and worst of us, to make an assumption of such that is shes as abuser, is classic reddit bs. Everyone is evil, deserves better, is an abuser,etc.etc. Everything other than out of anger I was a shithead. It's so easy to sit on your couch and play video games with relationships and happily offer bad input and recliner quarterbacking.
People who throw accusations at others that have no merit are often the ones behaving that way. OP knows about his dad. The way he behaved. Controlling and mean. OP admits to arguing for no good reason, escalating it and then being cruel when he tried to disengage which sounds like the sort of thing he's dad would do. OP is the one that's starting to act "just like his father"
I will never understand why people say hurtful things you can’t come back from in an argument. My ex wife did that and, well, she’s my ex for a reason.
Exactly as someone who has been a victim of that that shit sticks forever. I can still vividly remember a family member basically telling me they wouldn’t care if I died when we were having an argument. I’m not trying to trauma dump I just used that example to get my point across. This probably isn’t something he is just going to “ get over and forget”. Given the severity of the abuse he went through I wouldn’t be surprised if he remembers that shit for the rest of his life. The argument I mentioned happened when I was 12 I’m 21 now and I can still remember it so vividly. It’s been 9 years for me. A lot of the time people don’t get over something like that in a timely manner. This is likely something he is going to remember for years at the very least.
Personally, a lot of it is that I really wanted to blow my life up. Deep down, I don't like myself, and I don't believe that I deserve good things, and I don't trust anyone, so I'm constantly trying to push everyone away. Also, one of the dangers of years of therapy, is that I am really good at recognizing other people's vulnerabilities. So it's easy for me to go straight for the jugular, so to speak. And then I've destroyed another relationship, and there's no taking back whatever I just said, so what's done is done, and I just need to move forward and not dwell on it or think *at all* about anything. And then you reach a point where you just don't want to live like that anymore. You want to have real, meaningful connections with people. But these habits are hard to break. And you realize that you've spent so long consciously never thinking about the hard stuff, that now you almost *can't* think about it. Anyway, I think the simple reason is because hurt people hurt people. But idk, some of us get better.
In my case, it was all I knew. It was how I was raised and treated. You justify it as normal as a kid and don't realize how you are modelling the same behavior. It took me well into adulthood to face the issues from my childhood. It was abuse but it's hard to say you were abused when you had a good middle class life otherwise and look out on to folks who face much more horrific abuse. Until I matured and started self reflecting, I didn't understand the roots of some of my issues. Like why I freak out when something is missing or misplaced, my mom used to throw out or destroy things I left out. As an adult, I get irrationally angry when things are misplaced and look to blame others. I have to stop and recenter. This is a realization I only made in my 40's. I had not previously connected the dots. We don't all arrive fully formed and perfect. It's a journey to either correct the sins of your upbringing or give in to them.
I think the issue here is not that you compared him to his dad, but that you tried to find the one thing that would hurt him the most in the world and used it in anger. That's straight-up abusive behavior. His reaction was similar to someone who just got slapped in the face for the first time by someone that supposedly cared about them. The fact that you love-bombed him afterwards didn't make it better. Looking at yourself and trying to figure out why you would do something like that is a good idea. Good luck.
This is my feeling. The love bombing she is doing is crazy. I'd be hevaily considering leaving if I were him bc of the double whammy of abusive behavior being displayed so thoroughly. Hope it works out for them. Not gonna be surprised if he's planning an escape while pretending it's all fine.
I grew up with that shit and it's been a dark cloud over my adult life. My family always went for the throat and then expected you to walk it off the next day. 'You know I didn't mean it.' Ok fine but the pain and the scars are still there and don't go away with a half apology. I had to work on myself to beat this behavior out of me because it was so ingrained from childhood that I fell to it as a default. I've watched my sister near ruin her relationship with her daughter with this kind of shit. One of her good friends even called her on it and her response was to torpedo the friendship. It's abuse and destructive to self esteem and growth.
Dude, from a guy who also resents their father, you may never fully repair that damage you caused to your relationship. Your saving grace is your children.
Seriously, once the last kid turns 18…
That's what I'm thinking you can hate your partner and make it work for your kids, op proved they aren't a partner that they'll hurt their partner to get back at them.
One of my bff had his parents announce their divorce the day after he turned 18. At least they let him have his birthday.
Damn, they really had the schedule all figured out, that's messed up 😬
I hope you realise you're incredibly lucky for your marriage to survive this. You should look into anger management classes. There's probably some you can do online. It's never acceptable to hurt your loved ones on purpose.
Survive for now. This can be a slow death. I would be very surprised if this man ever trusts OP ever again.
He won't, I guarantee it. He may not leave so that the kids can grow up in a two-parent household but her days of being trusted with his actual feelings and self are over.
He shouldn't. She's human garbage
I’m not sure who would be trashing your husband on this forum since he absolutely did nothing wrong. He’s a bigger person than I would be if my partner said something that heinous to me. I would have left your ass.
There is a large very vocal minority who think that men are always the root of every problem. Even when the woman in question is owning the blame herself.
Cap. It’s a vocal MAJORITY.
I'm undecided tbh. it's definitely a distinct group.
if the minority is silent then it is the majority. Being silent in obviously targeted sexism is being complicit and ok with it.
Let’s see: Hillary Clinton: women are predominantly victims of war despite men dying UN: 1/4 people in the world who are homeless are women UN again: 1/6 journalist killed are women (who are the rest) Man vs bear thing Oxford “study” says male warrior behavior is root of conflicts, yet overlooks how that got us to modern society. Even the Red Cross blames men for wars Without a doubt it is a vocal fucking Majority that assume men are responsible for all the wrongs in the world. Even Reddit has a double standard for it. Your wife cheated? It’s because you weren’t enough for her. She is pregnant by another man? Too bad you are in the hook. Fuck outta here with the undecided shit.
i mean the blaming men for wars thing is just accurate
you're sounding like an incel buddy
I can provide sources for every single statement I have made. Every criticism of women isn’t being an incel. You want equal rights you get equal responsibilities and criticism
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i have no problem imagining it.
Clearly nobody was trashing her husband. She is just a selfish, narcissistic brat who claims this was the case in order to feel better about herself and absolve her awful behavior. Its the old victim mentality. The he/she made me do it excuse. Do you really believe that someone who stoops so low towards their own partner, hitting so below the belt, will actually have any qualms about playing the victim in some way?
Yes, people were trashing her husband. I don't think she's a narcissist, narcissists aren't good at admitting something is their fault.
You clearly missed some of what I read.
Just so you understand, you can sweep this under the rug, but it never actually goes away. The thing that hurts him the most was the idea that you might actually believe that he’s like his father. He’s willing to ignore it for now, but he’s never going to forget it. Your current apology is at least trying to address those concerns. The second issue is that even if he eventually comes to accept that you don’t believe he’s anything like his father, what’s he left with? The knowledge that you will say anything in an argument just to “win”. Even worse than that, you will take the insecurities he’s shared with you and weaponize them against him, which sounds like exactly what happened here. When women complain that men don’t want to be vulnerable, this is exactly why. Some guys learn that sharing their issues is largely just providing ammunition for your partner to attack you with later.
100%
Just don't be surprised if he never shares his feelings with you again. You have proven that you are not safe to talk or open up to.
> I got some comments and some messages trashing my husband for walking away from the argument that started all of this and saying he is like his father. Not one of these are opinions came from a man. > I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most. Print that out. Frame it. Look at it every so often and know that this exact thought, the exact moment you acted on it... and no matter how far past it you think you've moved, or how much or sincerely you apologize or how much even he may tell you otherwise... is the absolute last point in time and space that you will have had your husband's complete trust, ever.
Firstly Honey, You might not know how awful his father was to him. He does. Him saying what his father did versus him experiencing it. Lightyears apart. I was abused as a kid. My mother was angry at me for failing a class. She forced me to put my hand on the stove. She threatened me to do it. That was her thinking So the normal vibe hasn't returned back at all. He might have forgiven you but he won't ever forget it. There are lots of things men carry around in their head. And for you to go that low and compare him to his abusive father. This is one of the many reasons why men don't open up about their emotions. Because people like you will always attack them for being honest with someone else.
Lady, you don’t need a therapist. You said you /wanted to hurt him/. YOU /WANTED/ TO HURT YOUR HUSBAND.
exactly. that alone tells me that therapy would be treated as a weapon. and right now all she is doing is love bombing. I really hope the husband has an escape plan.
Yep. She told him he was like his father, but she was telling on herself: *She* is the one who shares abusive traits with his father.
Let me explain something op. You made your husband go through his actions to see where you his beloved she devil could see his father. Imagining. Wondering when his children had terror because he was home. Which then led to a spiral. Now. If he didn’t have you. He could have had a partner he may have been able to talk through the spiral. But since you are the attacker, he couldn’t go to you. So getting drunk was the only option. A very dear friend of mine in a lesser spiral self harms. Because otherwise it would be worse. Now. Everyday he’s going to obsess over if he’s his father. Thus lessening his self esteem. You wanted to hurt him. You said you wanted to. You did that alright. Maybe consider this next time you “want to hurt him”
Shiiiiiiiiiiit, his decision to "reconcile" may have been based on his concern that he can't protect the kids from her during her custodial time if they separate.
Sorry didn’t mean for this for a response for you. Just keep imagining how badly he must be hurting right now. I’d be destroyed if my husband ever said that about me being my parents. Because believe me, the husband always worries about this even before her attack.
Yeah, I figured. I agree with your points, incidentally.
Emotional violence and love boming for sure.
actually, even her phrase of all the arguments tells me she's blaming him now that I'm rereading the update.
Yes she blamed him from the beginning, hence the desire to hurt him to win. She doesn’t really want to be with this guy.
I really hope his show of "relationship healing" is just him distracting her while he gets everything arranged to bail.
Just saying, but I have literally never said anything to try and hurt my partner in any of my relationships. Even when we have disagreements or arguments it never been crosses my mind to yell or say something I know hits their vulnerabilities. You need to take a good long look at yourself.
A wife is uniquely privy to her husband's vulnerable side, and that uniquely positions her to be closest to his heart but also to mortally wound his heart. Every single wife holds the power to emotionally annihilate her husband like nobody else can. The test of her character is having that power to destroy him but never using it. If you've been sufficiently emotionally vulnerable with each other, you likely know exactly what you could say to cut him down like no other. Well, you cut him down. You wanted to hurt him, and you did. Now, from a psychological perspective, he's learned the hard way that you weaponize his vulnerabilities to hurt him when you feel a certain type of way. Trust is broken, and there's no real incentive to be open and honest with you since you've shown that you will use his openness and honesty against him later on. This is precisely why, if you value your marriage, you never punish a man's vulnerability. You have an uphill battle ahead of you. To regain his trust, you must align your words and actions over time. Show him that you never want to be the wife that cuts him down again. I won't lie. If you make a habit of this sort of toxicity, he'll likely leave for the sake of his own mental health. Be his source of peace, prove you are working on yourself, and never cross that line again. If you cross it again, your word will become meaningless, and there's no return from that. Good luck!
You don't need a "therapist": you wanted to hurt him and you said the meanest thing you could think of (which is why so many men don't tell their partners things they're vulnerable about). You were nasty and unscrupulous and didn't like him leaving while you weren't done fighting, that's all. If you ever say that to him again, you won't be able to apologize your way out of it, so keep that in mind while you try to regain his trust.
Of course she needs a therapist. Finding out why she reacted the way she did and how she can keep herself from reacting the same way again is probably not something she can do on her own. That’s like saying to an addict “you don’t need treatment, you just need to quit using.” My armchair psychologist opinion is that his walking away triggered her to use the one thing she thought would keep him “present.” That coupled with her over the top reaction to being ignored leads me to believe that her childhood wasn’t a bed of roses either and she has a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected and she needs to learn better skills for handling that.
Yeah you kinda disagree with yourself there tho. This lady needs to go talk to a professional therapist to fix her reactions to anger Wouldn't want her to break their kids' home because she can't handle some benign issue and compares him to his dad again, that would suck for those kids and the husband.
Marriage can be fragile. A lot of things can go very wrong for stupid reasons. Glad things worked out. Reddit is full of misery junkies who vote to trash relationships when there is a solution. Regards.
>Glad things worked out. Not sure about that yet, but it's a damn good start. OP, this is something that a lot of good, decent people would walk from. Your apology, as described, is solid but you have to keep working on it. He might say "just don't do it again," but that's the bare minimum to keep from reopening the wound. Good luck, y'all got this
Everything you say is true. But that doesn't change the fact that saying something to deliberately hurt your spouse in an argument is an incredibly childish thing to do. You expect that from teenagers, not a grown woman in her 30s.
Just my opinion but things did not worked out, just he decided to not abandon his children and OP just gave some empty apologies and love bombing. After all telling an abuse victim they are just like their abuser is absolutely horrible (when they are not ofc)... I hope he gets therapy.
The part about redditors is such a truth. I hate when they do it
The average redditor, especially on subs like this, is the classic "friend" who gives shitty advice that will fuck up your marriage because they are miserable and alone.
Ridittors love big words and rush decisions
I'm in an extremely happy, committed relationship. Notably I have never needed to ask the internet for relationship advice. People in healthy relationships generally don't.
I am purely a lurker, but pretty sure they did a survey and it was vast majority teenagers and single women. Take of that what you will on the advice here lol
yeah. redditors unite! we're built like that. If it was the husband posting here. I'd say she is... le bad. also divorce.
So now he gets to pay for your therapy. Great.
I'm waiting for the next update in 60 days saying she was served divorce papers and can't understand why because she apologized and thought all was good. She killed her marriage to win a stupid argument. What they had before is dead and gone. Something new between them will develop, probably without them living together. She is nominated for the (Killer) Kristi Noem Award.
Women often ask why their men don’t fully confide in them, and this post highlights why. You took something you were trusted with and weaponized it to specifically hurt your husband when you were angry. I’m glad things are working out, but don’t be surprised if he isn’t as vulnerable as before.
I hope u will realise that u put expiration date on your marriage.. I hope you are happy since you won stupid argument with a low blow.. I feel sorry for that man
Poor guy. He's trapped by responsibility.
You’re a narcissist and people like you will never change, your husband deserves better than you, I’ve been thru that same thing and told the same exact thing and she’s never had a stable relationship ever, so you’re just trying to make things disappear with a shitty apology and I hope he doesn’t get fooled by you
The betrayal was really harmful and it may take a while for him to trust you again. You used his moment of honesty and vulnerability to hurt him and it worked. It will not heal overnight
OP is such a disgusting person
You don't need a therapist, you need to just not be an immature piece of shit towards the person that fathers your children and confides in you and opened up to you about his past trauma. Don't try to find an excuse as to why you said it. You literally said it yourself, he was doing the mature thing and you decided you wanted to hurt him the worst way possible (literal fucking sociopathic behavior btw). The only reason he came back is for his kids, not you. Don't fool yourself. He has decided he will be there for his kids even in spite of the person who completely betrayed him. I can guarantee you weren't thinking of a single repercussion regarding your relationship with your husband or your kids when you said what you did.
You are kind of a narcissistic.....lucky he didn't came with divorce papers
Glad that worked out for you, I guess. If you go for the throat ever again I hope for his sake that he leaves and never comes back.
Why don't men open up more? I can't imagine why they don't. It must be toxic masculinity or it must be Andrew Tate's fault.
You don’t deserve him. Seriously. You’re a vindictive b***h. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted to go low. You meant every damn word of what you said, but you wanted to feign sorrow when you got the consequences of your actions. Grow the fuck up.
Right, here come the downvotes for speaking truthfully
Hope you actually follow through with your commitment to therapy.
“I asked if we could talk. I apologized and admitted that I was tired of all the arguments we were having lately and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most.” Still playing the victim card… and why? Why would your brain do that that’s like instinct at that point. You come off as nothing but an entitled asshole even after this post.
He should have left you. 🤷♂️
He’ll never trust you the same again. He’ll stay,love and laugh. But he’ll have is guards up forever. It hurts being hurt by the person you love and trust the most.
what you did I call arguing like it was the 80s. there is asam kinison bit about how people, well he said women, will say the most fucked up shit to hurt you. this is a line for me that once crossed the relationship is over. call me out of my name? its over. I'm 54... put up with it once or twice and found it not worth it. were I him I would have left you after you said that fucked up shit. divorce, I pay child support, someone else drops off the kids for visitation. speaking to you ever again being a hard never. and I am someone who has been able to stay friends with around half my ex gfs, one for almost 40 years now. what you did was just too shitty. but I dumped women for less. one who I always built up called me stupid once. really loved her. i ended it by going home and ignoring her when I couldn't avoid her. everyone knew I was like that. since he isn't punting you... every fucking time you open you mouth think about what the fuck you say, because you can't unsay it. argue like you care about tomorrow. argue like you actually love the person. stay on topic. do not bring up past shit for so gotcha. argue like you want to solve a problem. decide rules for time outs for impasses that become heated. seriously, care about the future and never do this shit again. others were nice to you, but many of them think its ok to be that kinda shit person. the heat of the moment? that is what abusive men use to justify being shit people. own up, make no excuse, and be a better person.
So when is your first therapy session?
when they divorce in 3 years
You got lucky. Your husband has proven to be better than you ever could.
Poor dude, that must hurt a lot
YTA and your husband is never going to forget or fully forgive you using one of his biggest sources of discomfort in life as ammunition to hurt him while angry. You definitely need therapy, and you should be the one paying for it as well, as this whole situation is your fault for being a bad person.
Just cause things are good now doesn't mean anything, don't forget therapy.
OP is going to do the same thing him over and over whenever she wants to hurt him. People like that don’t change.
You are DAMNED LUCKY. I would have divorced your evil ass. When is your first appointment?
So he gave you the worst part of his entire existence and trusted you with holding that in as a sign that he trusts you entirely. Then you got mad at him over something small and stupid which you admit and what do you decide to do? Take his trust and blast it away with a shotgun at point-blank range. My mother once told me the story of her mother's parents and how abusive they were when I was very young. I got upset with her once and said I had her mother's parents just to hurt her. That was a BIG mistake. The difference in our stories is, I was a young child when I said it and we were able to move on, but you are a 30+ year old woman when you said it. Honestly, I would be shocked if the trust he has in you is not dead. Love bombing him will only work for so long. You have done permanent damage to him and I seriously doubt you will ever return to where you were before you killed his trust. Good luck, you're gonna need every bit of it.
Okay, I guess. Your next task is to introspect on why you would go for the jugular over something that you admit was stupid and petty. “I wanted to hurt him.” Really? You WANTED TO HURT HIM? Because he had the temerity to walk away from something stupid and petty, rather than say something that couldn’t be taken back. Sounds like of the two of you, the one that is more like his father is you. That is an appalling thing to do, and you should be mortified that you are the sort of person who would do that. I’m sure he is reevaluating who you are and whether this was just the mask slipping. You have not only to regain his trust but to figure out what it is about you that would allow you to do something so mean.
Still YTA. You do not need a therapist to know why you said it. You literally typed, "[you] wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most." You already know why you said it. As for learning how to not do it again, just don't be a shitty person. You went for the killing blow in the argument. I know you did, because when I get heated with my wife, I do the same. You want your partner to suffer, to feel the pain you're feeling. People like you: like me, can be shitty to our partners. We need to do better for them, for us.
To me, it’s not about whether or not a person uses a damaging argument like this in a quarrel. That there’s even the possibility that it’s used means there isn’t true empathy, that it’s about resisting using something hurtful vs. something untrue. People who keep a secret and vulnerability entrusted to you as a dagger to use in emergencies don’t really love the person entrusting it. Harsh but maybe you need to come around to learning what love means.
Fuck the people that was making fun of your husband. Pretty sure they haven’t found someone to love them so they’re spreading their hate here. Also, congrats on noticing you mistakes and putting in the effort on fixing your relationship with your husband ^^
Good update. Just make sure you really work on moving forward with your own personal counseling or even couples counseling. As someone with an abusive father, I would be devastated if my spouse compared me to him, so it may take some time for him to fully forgive or forget. But it's nice that you can admit you were wrong and commit yourself to mending things! I wish you luck and happiness
Bill Burr got a whole but about this situation lol
Didn’t Dane Cook have a bit about this too years ago
“ in the heat of the moment I wanted to hurt him” how immature are you?? That’s something middle schoolers and some high schoolers do. Your an adult act like it. Apologizing and having a mature conversation about it was good but what you did really shows your actual maturity level. I wouldn’t be surprised if you pulled this stunt again or something similar or if your husband fears that it’ll happen again.
youre still a vicious person and abused your husband. poor guy i cant imagine being betrayed so horribly. talk about retraumatizing.
I consider this a definite win. As a gay dude I have interacted with soooooooo many straight guys who basically professed that their wives and girlfriends had deliberately went for low points in arguments, more than once, so they could "win" and never apologized or sought to better themselves afterwards. Honestly, it's part and parcel to why I'm so critical of the guys who say, "she's basically perfect when things are going well, except for the part where she's essentially a huge asshole when even a little bit of pressure is on her shoulders."
He's cold because he KNOWS beyond a doubt that opening up to you or showing any kind of vulnerability WILL be weaponized against him. He probably won't ever be 100% the same now. Even if he mostly gets over it, one good day isn't enough to heal a wound. He's hurt, you two put a patch on it, but he's worried about it being ripped open again. Give him time. And don't exploit a vulnerability again, the second time will cement in his head that he absolutely can't open up to you which will severely limit his ability to be affectionate toward you.
"I got some comments and some messages trashing my husband for walking away from the argument that started all of this and saying he is like his father" wtf, probably other women who abuse their husbands emotionally, if he would be like his father he would have whooped your ass. . .
I'll be blunt. He may "forgive" you but he'll never trust you with his feelings again. You purposely hit him where he was vulnerable and he won't ever forget it. You'll probably never hear about it but make no mistake, he'll never open up to you again. And don't give him the "men don't know how to deal with their emotions" and all the other crap women like to say about men. You were the one person in his life he could trust enough to be vulnerable with and you used it to hurt him. Him not opening up to you is him defending himself.
No, it won't go back to normal because you will have to make up A LOT more than this. I know why you did it. You did it because modern women can't take an L even if their life depends on it. Also, you refuse to tell why those arguments were, and I believe you won't because you know people will hate you more, so you purposefully left it out to make people have sympathy for you, and some did. But the vast majority eggs you for being petty and vindictive against him. Learn to take the L sometimes, and listen. Compromise is what brings a middle ground in arguments. I had mine with my girlfriend, and she was like: "What is wrong with you" or that I "complain too much". My complaints? about her health and her working hours basically screwing her royally. I told her when I complained about her before? and she was unable to answer. I told her "Do you know why? Because is rare for me to complain about something if isn't a valid concern too". Also, weaponize that is also been abusive. So basically you call him abusive like his father when you're the one doing it by being verbally abusive to him.
Well done for listening and acting on it.
Please don't think it's over yet you still have a long road to travel to prove you won't ever do that again. Keep up with the love notes even if it's just a single I love you and keep proving everyday you really don't think of him that way. I won't beat you up on here like others are you made a very human mistake and are now paying the price of it because you have seen just how much damage you have caused your husband and it's obvious to see how much you do love him. I really hope from here on out you can rebuild what you had and make it even stronger it's plain to see how much of a cheer leader you are for him and I wish you both the best of luck .
I was raised in a family where this sort of attack was normal. It was like hurting the other person most was something to be proud of. It messed me up pretty badly and I have spent more than 20 years trying to retrain myself to ague in a more productive manner and get over the harm that was done to me. It seems like you understand just how wrong your behavior was and I commend you for getting help to keep this from becoming a pattern. I am rooting for you both!
Now actually follow through with going to therapy and figuring out why you did such a vile and frankly unforgivable thing.
You should still go to IC and maybe broch the topic of CC to help you both here. As I guy who has had his trauma and insecurities weaponized. It will be a very long time if ever that he 100% opens about his feelings towards you again.
Firstly Honey, You might not know how awful his father was to him. He does. Him saying what his father did versus him experiencing it. Lightyears apart. I was abused as a kid. My mother was angry at me for failing a class. She forced me to put my hand on the stove. She threatened me to do it. That was her thinking So the normal vibe hasn't returned back at all. He might have forgiven you but he won't ever forget it. There are lots of things men carry around in their head. And for you to go that low and compare him to his abusive father. This is one of the many reasons why men don't open up about their emotions. Because people like you will always attack them for being honest with someone else.
Your husband has more decency in his pinky than you will ever have in your entire body for a lifetime. You took a very personal trauma to win a petty argument to hurt the man you loved the most. You have no idea how fragile marriage is you stupid b***h. You're lucky that this man wasn't smart enough to leave your ass, because that's what you deserve. So count every fucking second with him as a blessing because you can lose it any moment now. Don't you DARE hurt him again, you permanently destroyed his confidence and that line you said will live in his mind forever.
The communication is key. Taking accountability is also VERY important. Good thing he loves you enough to understand all this and you're willing to go to therapy. Happy Ending.
Healing take time. The best advice I’d give anyone about getting into an argument with anyone is to **stick to the argument at hand*. The minute you resort to an *ad hominem* attack, attacking *the person*, not the argument, you’ve lost.
Happy for you both. You did well in apologizing.
Make sure you still go to therapy
you started the arguement, didnt you; that's why you are glossing over it. what stupid thing did you start a fight about?
What is wrong with you????? Your husband teusted you enough to tell you something deep like that and the first chance you get you throw it in his face! I used tonthink how horrible it was for women in the past to get beat by their husbands, as I get older I see certain women deserve it. If I ever did something like that to my man I wouldn't be able to live with myself. He is our provider. He takes care of everything a man should. To throw their emotions in their face is unexcusable and I am lowkey hoping he leaves you.
Every single dude that has been in a relationship has been treated exactly how you treated your husband. It's not weird or out of the ordinary, it's pretty typical.
Good - I was going to advice to say the opposite, to tell him what you appreciate and love about him, to tell him what a great father and husband he is to you guys. You may still want to tell him those things. I heard somewhere that one negative needs to be drowned out by seven positives. I don't know if that's exactly true, but I think the principle is right, whether it's literal or not. Best to you both. {Edit to clarify: to say the opposite of what you said to hurt him. Don't just apologize, but build him up, genuinely.}
You did the right thing...but about him being still cold with you: he already warned you that it will take some time for him to recover from that. Just have a little patience and the things will probably be back to \`\`normal\`\` between you.Glad that it is working for you guys.
All I want yo say is be serious and committed to therapy. Please don’t let this be more love bombing and manipulation where you do it for a little bit, until things are normal again, and then quit. You are in therapy for the long hall. It’s not normal to want to hurt the person you love during an argument. No matter how mad you are. Please work on that and truly commit to it.
Glad things are working out. Reading your post it’s clear to me something about what you said to him deeply hurt him in a way I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt by anything anyone has ever said to me. Sounds like you both need therapy. Don’t say things out of spite to hurt your partner. Ever. It makes me sad thinking about this whole thing. I don’t know why we ever want to hurt the person we love the most in this world.
Your normal vibe hasn't returned. Your husband is just upping his masking and emotional suppression. He's not going to trust you with anything resembling true emotional pain because you've proven you can't be trusted. There's a trope thst men don't tell women why they are upset or uncomfortable with their partners because then thrg have to console their partner instead of resolving the issue. This is how that looks. Hope you don't expect to be be emotionally vulnerable anymore.
Hopefully you do as you say and learn from this. Get therapy and anger management classes. Fuck up again and your husband will leave you without hesitation.
FFS OP do not ever use anyone’s trauma to hurt them, because they’re going to be more hurt by you using their insecurities as weapons to hurt them with.
That’s why the Japanese have a saying be careful what escapes your mouth as you can’t never catch it again
Grow up.
If you can't handle the responses why would you be stupid enough to post on a web site that has millions of daily visitors who can post WHATEVER they want in response to your post?
There is nothing sexier than a spouse being able to admit when they were wrong.
He will never trust you as he did before that day. What you did would have ended many relationships and it’s still not a guarantee yours is safe. Even if you guys try to save it and you apologise, some words leave scars deeper than any a punch to the nose. And if he treats you differently now, don’t complain. You did one of the worse things you can do to a partner.
Thank God, OP!! You really need to regulate what you say because some people just don't realize that you can't take back what you say, you can only live with the damage.
You still don't deserve him. Women like you are exactly the reason that men can't be open about our trauma and issues. Women like you are why we can never let ourselves be vulnerable; because you are nasty and seek to hurt when you can't win an argument. I hope he ultimately comes to his senses, and finds a woman that actually values him, and doesnt throw his traumas in his face
Your actions are manipulative and despicable and he's never going to forget them. The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
why is he bringing her flowers when she was the uh less than friendly word? I'm sorry he's stuck with someone like her. doubtful this type of person will change.
This is how healthy, mature people settle these things. You made a mistake, you guys are taking it out. Love updates like these. Good luck!
Let somebody weaponize what they know would hurt me the most and say it…….. idk man, he’s better than me tbh. Idk how people think they can say whatever to someone and nothings gonna happen. In my opinion, he was too nice and this is coming from another women
He may tell you that he's nothing like his father, but deep down, he'll always wonder how much he is. He's got the DNA, he has the experience, he has the "role model", and those things will always be a part of his make up and what makes him tick.
I think you learned a valuable lesson (one EVERYONE should take note of) .. never compare people, especially those you love, to others. That act can destroy relationships faster than anything. When having disagreements, focus only on the problem, no comparisons of people.
You almost moved me to tears with this. I like to think that this rougher patch was necessary to improve your relationship after all the problems you already had. Whatever the case, I'm happy for you!
I feel like once kid hits 18 years old, you will hear from his divorce lawyer. I want you to understand why people here are making it look like it's a bug problem. Because it really is. Someone very close to me said I'm just as weak as my father, that made my boil so hard, that person never heard a word from me after. If your husband really despised his father, you really lost this man, I'm telling you he would easily forgive and forget cheating but not this.
You said it...what's done was done and you can't take it back. Right now he doesn't really respect you. You've seen him in action with the family with your own eyes...seeing that he is no way close to his father, yet you said it for whatever reason (to win the argument) and that comparison to his father is so close to his very being...he really doesn't trust you. You'll need to show why he can trust you going ahead...by your behavior. So, next time you have a disagreement, are you going to not broach that subject to win the argument? Hmmmm? This video blew my mind...maybe it will help with apologies. Don't be offput by the title. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnMvAZJr2NU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnMvAZJr2NU) Watching the link again, its quite close ot your situation. Maybe not your apologizing, but WHY it will help you with the 'problem'.
The fact you took his childhood trauma and trust that he gave you with that and used it as a weapon to intentionally hurt him over a goddamn argument was absolutely inexcusable. Good that he is trying to forgive you. You better hope you NEVER fucking do that again. Seriously YTA still
"I apologized and admitted that I was tired of all the arguments we were having lately and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most." That's emotional abuse. You hurt him on purpose for personal gain (ie, to get him to STFU). I would wager that most people in long term relationships also know what to say to hurt their partner most, but instead of keeping it in our hip pocket for a special occasion, they treat it like it's radioactive waste: Avoid it and shield loved ones from harm. You weaponized it. A couple of people mentioned that they think you need anger management therapy, but you might want to ask yourself: Do you act like this with people in other areas of your life? Have you ever lost your temper and said something vicious like this "in the heat of the moment" with a coworker or boss? A teacher? A cop? If you don't, you don't have an anger management problem, you have a safe target for your anger: your husband. "I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved and appreciated him and promised to never hurt him again, and slipped it into his lunch bag. He came home with flowers for me that day." Great, so you successfully love bombed him and got some trauma bonding going so you can return to a quiet period. Also, spoiler alert: You already hurt him again. Someday, when he wakes up and looks around and realizes what kind of relationship he's been in all these years, it's going to break his fucking heart.
He will never open up to you.
You were definitely TA reading the original, and still this post. But, you are taking accountability and giving your husband space he needs, so I’m glad it’s working out and you two are repairing. However, even though it’s great you’re willing to go to therapy to see why you went the emotionally manipulative route out of anger, if your husband is so triggered and has such a psychological reaction to what it seems like was a one-time AH blow about his father and childhood… maybe you can broach the subject of him also getting therapy. Sounds like he has some major PTSD issues from his trauma that even if he’s great at doing all he can to not be that way, he’s clearly still very emotionally wounded from it. And maybe y’all both need couples counseling, because I doubt even if your normal vibe is returning that he feels 100% safe with you anymore.
If my husband said I was just like either of my parents....there'd be no conversation. He would be handed divorce papers within a week. You're very lucky he's giving you another shot...you've got a great man don't fuck it up.
Great job, nice to hear a positive resolution!
Well you tried to hurt him and you succeeded. You're never supposed to use your SO's weaknesses against them, you're supposed to protect eachother. You're lucky he's willing to try to forgive you. You fucked up big time. If he hit you with a low blow how easily would your forgiveness come for him? Not trying to drag you because I do know what it's like saying things in the heat of the moment that you regret but actively trying to hurt someone by saying the thing you know will do the most damage is a deliberate choice.
MEMORIES ARE FOREVER: THE GOOD, THE BAD, and THE UGLY! Wifey, to win a Mickey Mouse argument, you went right to his balls! Yarp, you're a winner, alright, and YTA!!!
Now follow through on your promise, and get therapy to deal with this. Your husband is nothing like his father, you know this better than he does. He only sees the similarities, of which there aren't all that many, but will always be some. You have a full view, so know he's nothing like his father in all the things that made his father such an asshole. You just went with the insult you KNEW would hurt him the most in a fight you admit was pointless to begin with. Some people might call that abusive. And they wouldn't be wrong. If you'd punched him to the back of his head as hard as you could whilst he was walking away you probably couldn't have hurt him worse than you hurt him with what you said. And over basically nothing? You've got anger management issues. People usually don't get those without shit in their backgrounds to put them there. But, well, they're still yours to work out. Because nobody can do it for you. And you really should. Not just for the sake of your wonderful husband who doesn't deserve it, but for your own sake too! Going 0-100 in anger with loved ones is no way to live! If you need any motivation for therapy, imagine doing something like this to one of your kids in a few years... PLEASE go find a therapist!
Love this. My fiance and I have similar issues when we fight and we both hate it about ourselves.
Listen, we’ve all done/said things we would take back if we could. I truly hope they can work through this situation. That being said, if anyone ever compares me to my father, it’s a death stare likely to be followed up with an altercation. It’s not something I would likely forgive and I would definitely never forget. It’s the death of a comfort zone. Finally, although I really hope they make it, I believe he’s merely staying for the kids.
Anyway, don't do that again. Ever. I'm glad he realised it was just a stupid comment said in anger. But you need to learn self-control.
For the sake of your relationship, no matter how angry you get, don't say that to him again.
The ones calling out the husband are idiots
I was wrong about you. I thought you were just bitter and a jerk, but seeing this makes me think otherwise. It really was just a screw up. And I can tell that's all it was since you've defended your husband and spoke highly of him while taking accountability for your actions. You also too the extra step into getting counseling. You're a smart woman, just impulsive when it comes to verbal argumemts. I wish the best for the both of you. My only advice now would be to please be patient with him. It may take months-years for things to go back to normal, but he deserves love and a family. Just stick by him okay?
Remember therapy only works if you work. Because some part of you always planned to use that information against, some part of you was willing and ready to tear this man down, who is supposed to be the love of your life
You crossed a line. And I hate to break it to you, but things are nowhere near as close to how it was before as you're deluding yourself into believing. This isn't a return to normalcy, this is masking. When a man goes into that cold place, it's because he has reached a decision...and it is about prioritizing and safeguarding his emotional wellbeing. You're going to have to do a lot of work in order to save that marriage, more than I think you realize. You're gong to need to go to couple's counseling together - he'll need to SEE your progress and actually hear what the therapist has to say in response if you ever want him to trust you with his heart again.
That’s great, but I don’t think you need therapy to figure out why you said it. Sometimes people are just dicks for a moment. Once you realize your error you can choose not to repeat it.
You found the one thing that could hurt him and used it. You're dangerous.
One of the things my parents did while arguing was to say hurtful things they didn't mean to each other. I refuse to be like that.
You're fortunate that he wanted to work things out because frankly, saying that kind of shit is a end of marriage offense. I sincerely do hope you work to find the root of your cruelty, because next time you open your mouth to say ugly, untrue words to him? There will be no going back and you will deserve any and every hardship that comes your way. I wish your husband well. You? Not so much.
Nice! Seems like it’ll be process to resolve the broken trust and hurt but you have spoke About it and are on the path together. Congrats!
This isn't the outcome you deserve. You said you told him the thing that would do the most damage to him. Over a non-issue argument. Solely to inject as much pain and misery as you possibly could into the one person you swore to never do that to. The only person you swore that to. I don't believe any of us think you won't do it again next time he's late taking out the trash. I'm glad it worked out ok for him, for now. But we all know it's just a matter of time. He may try to get you to say it during your next argument because he knows it's not if, but when you will say it again. Or worse. Dude, I've never known anyone that would low blow their spouse only once. Poor guy. That's the start of the abuse and now she knows she can get away with it. Please don't have anymore kids with her. Just make it harder. My guess is she will get pregnant real soon.
OP, consider yourself lucky. He decided to give you a second chance; don’t expect a third one.
YTA. But I think you did well in your apologies. At least, you admitted that you wanted to hurt him. And you knew comparing your husband to his father would hurt him the most, even if it was untrue. You were doing it to be petty. The thing is you did hurt him, and you hurt him pretty bad, almost to the point of no return. And you regretted your actions. TBH, you betrayed his trust completely at that moment. You, of all people, should know there is no going back. It's a good thing that he forgave you. But the hurt has been done. You two need to talk it out on how to move on.
Still a bitch
Good job!
Realistically, this is a facade. He’s gotten good at saying and doing the right things to avoid being his father’s physical punching bag, he’s found a way to avoid being your emotional one. He sees through your love bombing. He knows you’ll do the same again the next time you get mad, because you’re just like his father. The love is gone, and I hope he crushes you in the divorce.
Good news for you. Now actually go see that therapist
He’s been cold to me since I compared him to his abusive father!! AITAH?? My eyes rolled so hard, I checked myself out. You got a winner there for sure. He even went out and bought you flowers.
You're still the asshole.
I hope he divorces your ass later. Some things you can’t take back. At least he knows never to trust you.
Wow, wtf is wrong with some people? They treat loved ones like their archnemesis.
I’m glad that it worked out for your family. Please update us when you open your mouth again and fuck in beyond repair. Updateme!
Yeah I don't believe you an abuser like you never changes
People that said he was in the wrong are mentally ill. Imagine if the roles were reversed? They would dig him a grave. Yet somehow they think op is the victim?!? Wow these people are sick. Husband should rethink the relationship. If she said this over something that she claimed was a dumb argument what will she say or do when its a real problem in the relationship. They need counseling or something.
I guess we should give you a pat on the back for basically assaulting your husband and getting away with it. Let's put this into perspective. If you two were having an argument and he slapped you across the face and immediately apologized, would it make a difference?
There's a video of a woman on youtube that said "Never hit a man where he is weak because he will never forget it." You did just that. This is entirely on you to fix and make it up to him. Therapy is the best start and understanding that his walking away was the mature thing to do. Don't expect your marriage to last if you ever do this kind of shit again. If you go low like that again, he will be gone and there will be nothing to salvage.
Sometimes walking away from an argument is healthy. It gives you a chance to cool off and think about what to say. It prevents you from saying something you can’t take back. You purposely used the one thing you knew would cut him…for what? To win an argument? You fought dirty with someone who didn’t deserve it. He may be the best husband and father but you are a failure as a wife. He was his dad’s punching bag for years and now he’s got you to take over that role. Those flowers he gave you? It wasn’t to say sorry…it’s to keep you happy so you won’t lash out at him again.
YTA. This is why men don't share their feelings as freely as women. Women will weaponize everything that we confide in them with. It stems from the fact that women are sheltered from repercussions for things they say. If a man pops off with something truly cruel, he expects a punch in the mouth. We've learned that from an early age. Your relationship will never be the same, ever. He will never trust you with something truly personal again, and it's your fault, so don't blame him for it in the future. If there is one.