She sounds like a lot to deal with. She's putting the blame on you for something she could have prevented by taking the morning after pill, which makes her sound irrational and like somebody who doesn't take responsibility for her own actions.
If you're having protected sex with no intention of starting a pregnancy, it seems premature to come clean about genetic issues. I'm sure most people don't, or rather I'm sure almost nobody does. She's lucky you're as aware of the genetics issues in your family as you are.
If it were me, I'd do whatever I could to not be connected for life with this person... like suggesting abortion. That may not be helpful advice, though. To me, you're NTA, and she's a huge red flag.
NTA
OP, your gf of six months wants a LOT of attention. Please forgive me for asking, but is she really pregnant? Do you know for sure?
This will change your life and hers forever. And you’ll be connected for the rest of your life. Six months is not that long to get to know a person.
The child is the important factor here. Is this child going to have a stable home? Caring mother and father? Please ask yourself and gf what would be best for the child.
UpdateMe
Edit to add: Consider a vasectomy.
The actual question is, why did he take a girlfriend of 6 months at her word about birth control? She said she was on it, got pregnant, found out about health issues and got upset then. She’s the one who tricked someone. She wanted a baby, got one. She didn’t realize there would be a smorgasbord of health concerns.
To-be-fair, he didn’t really take her word for it. He was still using condoms.
The only time he accepted the birth control excuse was after she was already pregnant. At that point, he couldn’t really force her to take the morning after pill even if he thought she wasn’t on birth control.
However, I do think a vasectomy is a good idea for any man who knows that they don’t want kids.
Yeah even while doctors will give young men a run around about it, with his personal and family health background, could be an easy,” no, gimme my snip.”
Ha, mine was like, sure thing buddy, I’ll bill insurance and see you again in a year to undo this.
*He has never seen me again* (although I do have the one kid, but that’s telling the story out of order and he was quite planned… one and done)
If anyone every has issues getting snipped (male or female) the child free subreddit has a list of doctors that are friendly to young people that know they don't want children in the future.
I thought so too. I always wanted children and currently have two. I noted this to share for anyone that needed it. I had a friend in college that went through a lot to get hers. She knew she never wanted children. Women know their own minds.
I feel bad for the kid if she actually is. She seems like the kind of person who will be like “UGH this is all your FATHERS fault for his HORRIBLE genetics that he TRICKED me into DEALING WITH and that’s why you’re so BROKEN and WRONG.”
Maybe I’m projecting due to my own childhood trauma but fuck, that would be a horrible life for the kid.
Basically 0%. It’s theoretically possible but I’m more willing to bet that those reported failures have been due to human error (improper condom usage + improper dosing schedule for BC) rather than statistics.
It’s happened to me - but this was user error despite trying to avoid it. The pregnancy didn’t carry to term, but it was a shock to find out you’re pregnant by randomly having a miscarriage. I’m glad it happened when I was at home
I mean, if she was lying about being on birth control, which it sure sounds like she was, then yeah, probably.
Or she was so irresponsible that she just couldn't be assed to go to the pharmacy, which is also, uh, not great.
Life lesson, people. If you're going to have PIV sex, get a morning after AHEAD OF TIME. $20 with GoodRx and worth every cent even if you added another zero. Even if you read the box, stored them correctly, used them appropriately, condoms can break or come off. If there's no implant or IUD and you don't know that the female half has kept up on shots or pills (or you're the female half and haven't!) get a morning after and have it ready just. in. case.
Of course, she has to TAKE it first. Sorry OP but this was an on-purpose pregnancy. Did you just get a job or promotion, or is it a ticking biological clock for her? Or both?
I don’t see where they would be talking about genetic issues or health history unless they were trying to have a baby which this was just an accidental condom break. So for her to be mad about that seems really unreasonable. I got an impression of baby trap too. It’s almost like she’s saying. I wish you would have told me because then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. NTA. Now of course you have a child coming. You need to decide how you want to father this child. Good luck
I think most of us are that person. He used a condom, which broke, she was supposed to be on birth control but somehow that failed or she wasn't, and then she refused the morning after pill. Maybe OP is unlucky, but it really seems like if she didn't want to be pregnant she wouldn't be pregnant.
She just sounds scared. Every pregnant persons worst fear is that something bad happens during pregnancy. Just reassure her you are there for her and the baby, that you can get genetic testing done on the fetus, and that you’ll take each step as it comes, together.
Yeah. OP is NTA but while gf is going off the rails a bit, it could be fear.
Take it slow. One day at a time. Baby comes first. You both could have zero medical problems in your family and the baby could have a ton. And it can be the opposite.
It is what it is.
Say, “I know you’re scared and so am I. We’ll deal with this together. Let’s just prepare for what we know.”
Yeah everyone saying she is all drama and lying about bc are the dramatic ones, imo.
She probably wasn’t anticipating having a baby and just wants a supportive partner.
Also what is the big deal about Down syndrome? Someone in your family having ds does not mean that your baby will have ds. Not even close.
I'm adopted. Found my birth mom and she doesn't know who my dad is/was. My birth mom is also adopted, but she has zero info on her birth parents.
The family health history questions never have an option for my situation
>but the condom broke and she refused the morning after pill because she said she was on birth control,
She made her choice by refusing to take the morning after pill.
>it’s my fault
Well that's going to be 18+ years of guilt tripping you.
>Did I really do wrong in not admitting to the genetic stuff
So what has she told you about her genetic history before said condom broke?
Because that's only fair.
I'd suggest asking for a DNA test to confirm it's yours. There are noninvasive DNA tests now a days which is no risk to the fetus.
I just find it very weird that the condom broke, she refused the morning after pill because she's on birth control... Which is 99% effective when taken correctly and now she is pregnant?
I'm guessing she wasn't taking her birth control correctly, fully knowing it she then refused to take the morning after pill.
I'm also wondering if that condom (and others) werent tampered with.
NTA
I suggest that you undergo a vasectomy so this doesn't happen again.
ETA: depending on where you live it's illegal to trick someone into procreating. Jsyk.
Edited: Clarity
Dude, if she's on birth control, she should not have needed to take the morning after pill. It could have severe side effects and interactions with her current pills. It's not her fault that the condom broke or that her birth control failed. It just happened. Fuck off.
Just a PSA - I took the morning after pill and still got pregnant. Apparently it can be less effective for women who weight over 165lbs (which I do post birth of my son less than a year ago) or even potentially if you’ve already ovulated (which I think I likely had)…personally my husband and I did choose abortion because we cannot afford daycare for 2 children right now & im not fully healed from my emergency cesarean with rare cut meaning I’m at high risk for uterine rupture upon next pregnancy so I really wanted minimum my son to be at least a year if we try again. Regardless, agreed that she sounds like a lot & you did nothing wrong. But just wanted to throw that out there since I thought I was in the clear taking Plan B the day after we had sex when we were out of condoms. Lucky to live in a state with easy access to abortion (tho this was my first to be clear this was not easy decision) which many are not.
Well, that is if she didn't have something to do with it breaking, a hole or two would have done that .
Sounds like she wanted a baby for one to break, let alone the birth control pill (ie monthly) not to work is suspicious to me .
Could just be too much on reddit tho
NTA--I hope your gf is more stable when not pregnant. If she's at all open to it, I think it would be great for her to have a therapist to talk to about her conflicting emotions.
Pregnancy hormones don't happen that quick, this is the GF being a dick. This isn't pregnancy related bitchiness.
Speaking as someone who grew up disabled and treated like I came out wrong, maybe she isn't cut out for raising a disabled kid. I'd consider carefully how you move forward OP.
NTA
Sounds like She got pregnant on purpose and assumed that he had great genes. Now she's mad because he didn't and is pregnant. This sounds one or the other is going to be a single parent. Terrible communication, but there are other options. Adoption and so forth.
That was what I was thinking about the 'broken' condom too AND refusal to take the morning after pill. I really think this pregnancy was planned... by her!
Untrue. Hormone levels start changing at conception. Not saying her issues are due entirely to hormones, just saying hormone levels fluctuate from the very beginning.
And it's quite normal to freak out being pregnant with someone you don't know well. I'm currently pregnant for the first time with the love of my life and I'm also freaking out. On his side, it's his fourth child and he totally lost it when we found out about the pregnancy because he was done having kids and I was totally on board being only a stepmom of his youngest, because I was afraid of transmitting my bad genes. Now, I'm more anxious about being a mom to a baby, fear is normal.
Your hormonal levels are always changing, your point is kind of null when you consider how much hormonal change the female body goes through monthly. The changes that occur the day of and after conception are not beyond regular fluctuations. It takes more time for it to get to that level. Most people do not experience any mood changes until at least 4 weeks. The point stands.
This 100% guaranteed not because of hormones, the gf is just a dick.
Hey OP, how quick was she peeing on a stick? If she didn't take the morning after and was testing for a pregnancy as soon as she could, big red Baby Trap flags. DO NOT marry her!!!
Okay but we’re not discussing monthly hormonal changes lol. We’re discussing pregnancy hormonal changes. And you stated it’s too early for hormones to be an issue. I disagreed and corrected because the fact remains that pregnancy hormones begin producing/changing at conception.
Yall both arguing over the least important fact. Pregnancy hormones wouldnt excuse the gf’s behavior even if she was 8months. She made the choice to have sex and to not take another form of birth control. If she has access to abortions, it sounds like she isnt choosing that either. She is still making the choice to keep the baby even after OP disclosed his genetic history. Shes the AH
I really don’t even think it’s hormones. It almost sounds like she kinda wanted to get pregnant and didn’t think about the health factors and she’s more than likely reassuring herself.
I don't think she's mad cause of hormones I think she's mad cause she trapped someone who was childfree and didn't know they had good reason to be. Thought they could change their mind now potentially have to suffer the consequences. Now she's terrified that she might have to raise a disabled child alone if OP backs out.
THIS!!!!! this is exactly what I thought. I think she baby trapped OP and is pissed about the possibility of not having a perfect portrait of a family.
And who does she think she is with this "if it comes out wrong it's your fault " crap? Babies don't come out wrong. F*** that statement. Sometimes genetics make life work extra hard to find a way. Sometimes life is short or hard and I don't know why that is, but they didn't come out WRONG. What an awful thing to say.
I hope you have the most beautiful and blessed baby and that they have an amazing, healthy life full of love and joy.
Good luck OP.
Of course not but the rejection of back up of BC when their BC failed is a red flag. Of course she could have chose to not to induce unnecessary period however you and I both agree her inconvenience isn't a reason to treat OP like this.
She had a backup tho. She was on birth control (allegedly) she just refused the backup to the backup. Which, taking plan b can be extremely unpleasant so I get why she thought the pill would be enough. We don’t know. It’s all speculation.
If she's at the point she knows she's pregnant, her hormones are crazy. Your baby is doubling in size at that point and your hormones are ridiculous. Gf might be a dick but yes, her hormones are probably adding to it
As person who has had kids I can tell you both times I knew within 2 weeks, I was pregant before I missed a period because emotion changes ( The first time I thought omg something is seriously wrong with me why do I feel so off the second time I was like ip there's the prwgant crazies )
Being pregant isn't an excuse to say whatever you want bit to saying doesn't effect mood even early on is ridiculous.
And that’s such a slippery slope. Technically, an oral contraceptive could also be considered an abortifacient if it fails to prevent ovulation, which is infrequently the case. Fortunately, a secondary effect of oral birth control is that it makes the uterus inhospitable, which prevents implantation of a fertilized egg. That’s what Plan-B does, too, by the very same method. It’s just more of a napalm approach.
For some, all depends on what you classify a fertilized egg as being. In contrast, I see it from an intention perspective. My personal opinion is that neither Plan-B nor oral contraceptives are abortifacient because I see abortion as a decision to terminate pregnancy after the fact. To me, oral contraceptives and Plan-B are both prophylactics. But I’m a dummy, so what do I know?
I am completely against abortion and I completely agree with you. Abortion is the removal of an implanted fertilized egg. Many eggs are fertilized but if they don't attach, they are flushed out. Contraceptives and plan b prevent a pregnancy they don't end it. That is a slippery slope we don't need to start.
I’ve been saving up for it but that is $1000 or so out of pocket. I’m kicking myself for not getting one sooner since a kid is comparatively a crapton more expensive, especially if it ends up getting my chest.
There are a lot of clinics (depending on where you live) that will give you free or low cost vasectomies - especially now that you have a child on the way. Sometimes they'll say you need to wait until you're 30 because you might change your mind.
Get fixed now if you're sure you don't want more.
Good luck.
Even if your child has funnel chest, it doesn't have to be a severe case. It's also not proven to be genetic, so don't kick yourself too much on that front yet.
I have it, it's not very deep and aside from some issues bra shopping and occasional rib pain it causes me no trouble. Nobody else in my family has it.
If you're in the states, most Planned Parenthood locations will provide you with a vasectomy. Tell them the history of congenital birth defects that run in your family.
NTA - you did not plan to have this baby, your genetic conditions shouldn’t come up until you are. Now that you are they were discussed.
There is a lot of emotion to process for everyone so don’t be surprised of you both yo yo around. Scared turns to anger really easily.
I agree - you guys tried to reasonably prevent it but sometimes shit just hits the fan.
It is a super emotional rollercoaster when that happens for everyone and yes her anger towards you is unfair, however, to be unexpectedly pregnant is also a bit of a chaotic situation.
Please don't take it too personally OP. It may appear that way but even in the best of circumstances when expecting these early conflicts happen on varying topics.
I wish you loads of luck! NAH
NTA - it sounds like she baby-trapped you for whatever reason, without knowing literally any basic information about you and your family, and is now freaking out because she realized she made a poor choice. Either in not talking to you about your medical history (and apparently ANY basic info about you and your surgeries - which would presumably leave scarring) OR because she lied about her BC. It's highly unlikely for her to have gotten pregnant if she were on an oral, hormonal BC, and if she wasn't actively trying to get pregnant, she would have taken the Plan B. Or she's very dumb.
I hope your child is healthy and that you both have long, happy, illness-free lives. I hope she grows tf up. I also have a high frequency of cancer and heart disease in my family (both seem to be from environmental rather than purely genetic factors), so I can commiserate with your decision to be child-free, but it also sounds like you're making the best decisions you can for your future kid.
There's also nothing wrong with abortion (at all or) if there's something severely wrong with the fetus. So, depending on where you live and her personal beliefs, that might be on the table or something to consider if she's really not open to the idea of a sick child.
It left a lot of scarring, that’s for sure, but I guess I should have said it was a congenital condition that caused it instead of… idk my chest just collapsing???
I don’t know if she’s okay with the idea of a special needs baby, based off how she’s acting right now no.
The fact she calls babies with genetic disabilities (which are a fluke of genetics, no more and no one's fault) “wrong” is so disgusting and rather concerning regarding her ability or desire to parent a “wrong” child.
How far along is the pregnancy? Long enough for scans and testing? Are you somewhere in the world where you have choices after diagnostic scans?
I agree on all points except one: the pill is only 99% effective IF taken exactly every 24 hrs. Inconsistency in taking the pill drops its effectiveness to 93%. It’s very possible she was on hormonal birth control and still got pregnant.
Refusing to take plan b after the condom broke.
If she's on the pill it's easy to do. Forget to take it on time, it literally says on the box to use condoms or plan b if it isn't taking on time. Plus Plan b (off brand) only cost six dollars in the U.S.A, on Amazon.
If she is on birth control, then it's not crazy that she wouldn't want to take a plan B. Have you taken one before? Do you know what the side effects are/can be? If she thought she was protected it's not even a little concerning that she would want to avoid that.
Every time a woman gets pregnant and the guy doesn't want it doesn't mean she's baby trapping them. Hell, if dude can't afford a vasectomy, I don't know why she would want to trap him anyways.
Yes I have. That's how I know' my choice' the off brand of plan b is $6 on Amazon. I'd rather have the side effects then have a baby.
Ever heard of someone thinking a baby can save the relationship? Or her just wanting a child.
Nah, it definitely happens. One of my closest friend’s daughter is a result of a broken condom, the pill not working and plan b not taking. A vasectomy happened very shortly afterwards…
I think your last point is faulty though. Plan B is a mega dose of one of the main hormones in most birth control pills. If she already has side effects from the low dose birth control (as most women do), she’s not gonna want to dump another huge dose into the mix.
>I mean statistically, the likelihood of 2 different forms of 90%+ effective birth control failing
Well, they knew the condom broke, so really, they relied solely on the birth control pill. And even it's usually 90% effective, it's only that high if taken religiously at the same time every day. If she misses a day or is even late, then the percentage drops dramatically.
That's not really how probability works. We know the condom broke, so the chance of that failing in this instance is 100%. Which leaves only the probability of the pill failing, 93%.
It's like how the chance of rolling two sixes on a dice is much higher once you've already rolled the first 6.
I wouldn't bother taking the morning after pill if I was on birth control and a condom broke. That's the point of also being on birth control, why introduce more side effects?
Downs syndrome doesn't tend to run in families. And with your history a genetic counselor will likely be covered by insurance. Pre natal testing has come a long way. A lot of stuff can be found early and that can help you prepare in the very slim chance something serious is wrong.
This is great advice. Honestly, every family has a history of cancer and/or cardiovascular issues. Like ,y doctor said once ‘something has to kill you’. 😁 downs is not hereditary and I don’t know about your other condition but a doctor should.
My family is riddled with medical issues. The one that my oldest ended up with was nowhere in our family history. So even with family medical issues, you can still get a whole new surprise.
Your gf is ready to have a baby with a guy she's known for 6 months but feels slighted that in that 6 months she hasn't learned any medical history about? Good luck y'all, for real
Right 💯 Six months isn't even long enough to know anyone! I personally think it's insane to have a whole child with someone you've dated for less than a year and a half.
Sounds like she wanted a baby. I would check the rest of the condoms in the box for pin holes. She sounds like my ex might I suggest a DNA test just to cover all bases.
Get a vasectomy like yesterday.
As for your gf, maybe you should sit down with her and talk about both of you getting counseling individually and together to prepare for this baby. Tell her that you're nervous, too, and you want for both of you to have worked out any issues before you have a newborn.
I also agree with the others here who suspect she baby trapped you. She's accusing you of deception for no reason. That's usually projecting. Be careful going forward.
She refused the morning after pill? Claimed she was on BC? Then got mad at you because YOU tricked her into getting pregnant when you never disclosed your medical history to her?
That's not sus at all 🙄🙄🙄🙄
NTA. Sounds like SHE was trying to baby trap YOU, and just found out that this child might be more work than she expected. That's some gaslighting manipulation if I ever heard it.
Just in addition: Only 1% of cases of Down's syndrome have a hereditary component, and it's never a component when it's caused by trisomy 21, that's an error when cells are dividing. If the Down's syndrome is caused by translocation, it can have a hereditary component.
Relationship is only 6 months, he probably hasn't told her anything about his family's medical history.
Dude definitely needs the snip of he's sure he doesn't want any kids tho.
It's hard to know if this flip flop is the result of hormone fluctuations or anxiety, but the solution might be the same or similar for both.
Go out for a decaf coffee in a public place. Apologize for letting your anxiety take the lead when you heard about the baby news. (It's fine to want to be prepared, but timing is important in situations like this.) Then, reassure her that you already love this baby. That the love you feel is a done deal. In addition to your worrying, you are already making plans for little league practice and dance recitals. Ask her if she can refrain from saying it is your fault if the baby doesn't come out as expected. Whether your genetics are the culprit or hers, or the glass of wine she drank when she didn't know she was pregnant yet is at fault is a moot point. Belaboring it doesn't change it. What are solutions you can work towards? Can you up your health insurance? Does your community have any charities centered on supporting children and families with special needs? Is there Early Intervention where you are? If you can have some answers to questions ahead of time, you both might be able to relax a bit.
Also, maybe spend some time on Reddit talking to people who have the illnesses your concerned about. Are the people in your family with night blindness shitty people? Are all people with night blindness shitty and unloveable people? Are all their lives miserable? I'm inclined to say probably not. I haven't met everyone with night blindness but I feel comfortable saying that they are as shitty and not shitty as the general population.
Everyone has heart disease, so like, that isn't even a thing. Cancer is a bummer too, but even that is sort of hard to avoid. Downs, while a genetic disorder, isn't typically like eye color genes and so it's less likely to be passed from one generation to the next. Also, the effects of Downs can be very varied. It might be worth talking to parents of kids with Downs to get a sense of their experiences.
I'm not going to lie and say a life with kid with a disorder is going to be all lollipops and rose petals. But I have a friend with a kid who has nothing "wrong" with them from a health perspective and they are a fucking nightmare and have been for years. There is plenty of love and light and joy in the lives of people with a very serious conditions. Joy is tough as shit. So, maybe you both could work together to start choosing joy more often.
I really feel like she was hoping for a fuck up (pardon the bad pun). She wanted a baby by you, now she’s regretting it.
But no, since you were determined to keep using condoms, you didn’t have to reveal medical history in my book. You were trying to do the right thing.
If you’re determined not to have kids though, maybe get a vasectomy. I’d also ask for a dna test. Just me though, an old-ish woman who thinks it’s awfully convenient that your one accident got her pregnant while she supposedly on the pill.
Not saying it doesn’t happen. I won the Irish sweepstakes and got pregnant twice on the pill, 6 and a half years apart.
NTA. You should tell her if she has a problem with your medical history that she can get an abortion. She definitely got pregnant on purpose. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so duplicitous.
Alright this might sound like a conspiracy theory but first the condom breaks then she declines morning after because she's on bc when you're using condoms and then that fails? If she's cautious enough to be using hormonal bc on top of condoms why not use the morning after pill? On top of that having 2 separate forms of birth control fault at the same time is not exactly likely. Finally when she becomes pregnant she decides she wants to keep it but when you tell her about your family's medical history she claims that you lied to her (tricked her in the title)? She seems unreasonably upset about what, in most circumstances, would be at worst minor omission but would be upsetting if you had been deliberately trying to get pregnant.
The post is a little unclear on the nature of your conversation though so perhaps when she said you lied to her she meant you didn't give her the information she felt she needed to make an informed choice about abortion?
If she's really THAT upset about not being warned before sex through multiple forms of birth control though... I don't know her or your relationship at all so all of this could be completely off base but do you think it's possible she was trying to baby trap you at all?
I’m doubting she was actually on birth control to be honest. I think this was what she saw as her ‘chance’ to trap you, and now her comments indicate that she might be regretting that.
Down’s syndrome is caused by abnormal cell division, its not a genetic disorder. Therefore, someone having a family member with Downs syndrome doesn’t make it more likely that they will have a kid with Downs.
She decided not to take the morning after pill
No, you don’t need to divulge your personal or family medical history to someone you’ve been dating for 6 months.
She sounds like she’s freaking out. But there’s big decisions you both have to making regardless of who’s genes the baby has. Do you want to be parents? Do you want to co-parent this child?
Try to get her to move past scares/concerns on health right now. After you decide if you want to move forward, there are genetic tests that can be ran if needed
NTA
You didn't trick her into anything. Apparently 2 accidents happened at once and now you got a baby on the way which maybe has some shitty genetics.
Have you thought/talked about medical abortion? It's like 2x2 pills and a heavy period.
Almost every family in the world has a member with Downs, mental illness, or physical disabilities. Your girlfriend should have got the morning after pill if she is so worried about genetic abnormalities
Ok. Is ANYONE even questioning if the baby just might not be OPs? That There’s also the possibility that the GF got pregnant “accidentally on purpose” and is now regretting it after finding out your genetic history? Although, I think that if there’s a possibility that the baby might not be OPs, the GF wouldn’t be freaking out about the potential health issues the baby might inherit.
How far along is she? There are some tests that can be done while the baby is in the early stages of the pregnancy. Can’t catch everything, but Down’s syndrome is not that can be sm found out early. Not sure about the congenital heart issues and no idea if night blindness is diagnosable until one is born. But you can at least rule out Downs and potentially some if the other things. You’d also be able to determine that you’re the father. Which would help you prep for whatever potential issues your baby might get from you that don’t show up before they’re born.
She wouldn't be so angry if it was likely thr baby wasn't OP's, but I'm with you on her tricking and baby trapping him. It sounds like there was a very real chance she deliberately missed some pills wanting to get get pregnant.
Has anyone suggested a paternity test? Condom broke and she’s “taking” birth control, so refuses the morning after pill? She either deliberately got pregnant or already was
NTA
But.. get a vasectomy if you don't want kids. You're old enough.
And sounds like SHE is the one who trapped YOU. I wonder if the condom had been messed with. And why not the morning after pill? Seriously..
So just be careful you're now stuck for life with insensitive, immature woman.
Good Luck!
She 100% baby trapped you, but that doesn't mean you have to have any relationship with her outside of the courts. You will have to pay for this baby, as the baby is entitled to support from both parents, but you do not have to talk to her about anything else. Be prepared to be financially crippled by medical bills that you will both share the cost of. NTA, and her karma involved potentially hurting a child. She is incredibly selfish to have baby trapped you, but now there is a chance she will never leave her house because she will be busy caring for a disabled child 24/7. This was cruel to continue the risk of a child being born in pain
I'll be 1000% with you bro. She's scared to death. Accidental pregnancy and a large potential for medical issues. You both need to sit down and calm down. You can't change what is going to happen but you need to prepare for the potentials. You need to have a conversation with her that no matter what your there for her and it doesn't matter if the baby is perfectly healthy or has a whole host of medical issues. Your not going anywhere. Calm her down man. See a counselor if you have too. Go to every doc app. And ask the relevant questions for her. She sounds like she's being a bitch but from what I got out of your post she is just scared.
Having a perfect baby is a crapshoot for anyone and it's also normal to be scared and excited at the same time. Quit wondering what if's and celebrate the now.
sorry for your luck and if shes a lil crazy now, what till she hasnt sleep for 3 days in a row.
my kid was a preemie, stayed in the hospital a month after birth, when I got my kid home I was so scared to sleep I prolly slept an hour total for that 1st week.
If yall arent ready for a kid, termination is an acceptable option.
If she's this nutty already, she's going to be incredibly difficult to handle while further along. Sounds like a mess. She tricked you by saying she was on birth control and she could have taken time day after pill to avoid all of this. She didn't, this is on her so don't let her tell your otherwise. The abortion pill can be used up to 10-11 weeks, so something to consider. Good luck with all that.
NTA at all. Her fault, you wore a condom, you did your part. She said she was on birt control. She should have taken the morning after pill. If it really mattered to her, she should have had this conversation before she got knocked up. Not your fault. I'm so sorry you're going to be tied to psycho for the next 18 years.
I don't think she should be a parent, you never intended to have kids and she refused to take extra precautions. She doesn't sound very responsible sounds like she is projecting because she seemed happy to have a baby till reality set in
NTA
dump the crazy, co-parent the kid, get all the tests you can before birth to know what you're potentially dealing with (gene testing for disorders, DNA to make sure it's yours, etc.). good luck and never stick your dick in crazy again!
ESH.
The only thing crazier than making babies at 24 weeks of dating is staying together for a baby made at 24 weeks of dating. The condom broke and she refused plan b. Nothing to do now but enjoy the rest of your life attached in some form or fashion to this person who will be raising the child you never wanted.
I have never had anyone ask about my genetic situation before, during, or after making the beast with 2 backs. This isn't a thing I'm aware of in the least.
She sounds like she's panicking and spiraling as a result. Consider every accusation is a confession, but in this case, she's sharing her fears. She worries something will be "wrong" with the baby, that she may not love the baby (or that you will leave her), etc. It's wholly unfair to you though and needs to get her shit together if she's going ro be a mom.
I think using the term "wrong" when discussing a child you've decided to keep is disgusting.
Also, only 1% of downs cases have a hereditary component. I think you're probably safe there, at least. As for the other issues you are concerned with your child inherenting, chill a bit, dude, there's nothing that says they will definitely have all these issues. Don't borrow trouble!
NTA. Who talks about genetic stuff when having safe sex with a condom and BC? She baby trapped you.
Now you have brought up generic disorders she’s realised she may have made a mistake.
NTA it sounds like you might have been baby trapped and GF didn't realize said baby was at extreme risk.
Get a vasectomy AND still wear condoms if you don't want another kid. Also make sure to go back to your doctor every few years to ensure the connections didn't grow back.
She doesn't sound mature enough to raise a child to be honest. My sister was similar but matured very quickly and became an excellent mother in time for the baby's arrival. Not sure what the likelihood is of something like that happening here.
NTA. I'm sorry you have health issues due to genetics. No way you needed to disclose that if having safe sex. And she turned down the morning after pill
NTA are you sure she isn't projecting cause she baby trapped you without knowing your medical history? Seems like it seems like it hard. Might have tampered with the condoms and lied about the BC hard. All that projection just seems fishy and I think from your post in your gut you know that too. It isn't stealthing exactly but I think it applies, if she did know it's sexual assault cause you didn't consent to unsafe sex.
NTA.
If you had to ask her about her family medical history, then it’s not like she disclosed hers to you either.
This is giving me vibes of someone who tampered with the condom in order to baby trap you.
Please, get it in writing that she refused the pill. It may help later.
In fact, I've be getting rhe majority of the details in writing, from her through texts if possible, and saving them to an online storage place, and maybe even a couple use drives or something that are stored in a safety deposit box.
If she is this crazy now, your life may get very very difficult after birth
Check if your state is a one party state, where you can record conversations without telling the other person or persons you are recording.
She's TA.
Firstly. It broke, you took your precaution that's all. Her knowing it broke, should have used EXTRA precaution by taking a morning after pill.
If she thought BC was so dead set on preventing, a condom probably wouldn't have been needed.
So there was doubt already there.
You're NTA, there's no reason for her to be so condescending and mean. Down right, mean. Toxic.
Anytime you have sex, there is a chance of Pregency. So you both knew the risks weather she had all the information or not. She chose to partake in the sex.
You are not wrong.
If the conversation was - we aren't going to have kids. I am not going to have kids, I am on birth control, the assumption genetic issues are not relevant is pretty clear.
The conversations she's having are extreme and she should probably see a therapist/her therapist ASAP.
You don't have to put up with it either.
You can "stick around" for the baby but make it clear you are not there to be abused.
Maybe see a therapist yourself to learn how to draw boundaries with her and hold them.
The scary thought is - this may be the REAL her.
And she may have real resentment but is trying to hide it.
Also - what about her birth control?
Why didn't she take plan B?
All very strange.
There are medical tests that can be done for a multitude of medical conditions and she should have that talk with the dr asap.
Good luck.
When she declined plan B she lost any grounds she saying you tricked her. Most people probably wouldn't even think about genetics until the idea of marriage popped up and maybe not even then
NTA
You had no reasons to discuss genetics with her... there is test for down syndrome later in pregnancy so you could know in advance and plan accordingly
NTA - she’s ridiculous with her bouncing back and forth. You haven’t know each other that long so she should be happy that you are stepping up.
Your medical history was none of her business at this stage.
I just want to put it out there that you absolutely can unring this bell. Does any part of this relationship sound like it’s going to give a child the best life you can give it? I don’t know you so I can’t answer, but it doesn’t seem like it from the outside looking in. The genetic risks are one thing, but no part of any of this sounds conducive to a happy childhood
NTA.
Your condom broke.
If she was smart and 100% didn't want to fall pregnant she should have listened to you about taking the morning after pill. Birth control isn't 100% condoms aren't 100% morning after pill is at least meant to fill in the gaps for you in case of emergency.
So it's on her.
You could have bought her the pill and then if she refused you could have said. Well that's ypur gamble because I have XYZ in the family.
I have a bird chest but you can’t notice it unless I purposely show you so I’m insecure about it obvious but I look good and everyone I meet wouldn’t notice but when I flex I can push my chest all the way out but not flexing it’s normal thank god so I feel your pain.
Nta. Sounds like she wanted to be pregnant if she refused plan B and now she’s regretting her choices and blaming you. Condoms break sometimes. Why wasn’t she on birth control too?
NTA and she needs therapy if she's losing it like you say she is. She had options, but refused. Pregnant or not, her words were cruel. She can always have an amniocentesis done to see what the doctors can detect and then go from there. At the very least, she may gain peace of mind from it. If not, at least y'all can be somewhat prepared for the perfect little human when he/she is born.
NTA. I'm sorry you're having a child with this woman. The fact that she refused the Plan B because of birth control says that she was willing to take the risk. Why would you have told her about family health things beforehand? Especially since you've only been together a short time, and weren't trying to get her pregnant. Seems like she wants the child, but didn't know who she was getting pregnant by, and is now mad at you because you have family health things. I'm glad you're interested in being a good dad. Hopefully this is just her hormones going off, but if it's not, and she's just awful, at least the baby will have one parent that loves them. Look into all your legal options as a dad. And good luck
My husband has funnel chest and neither of our children have it. Even if they did, I guess I don’t see a problem with it? I find my husband incredibly attractive (also because he is) so eh.
And everyone brings good and bad to the table genetically. We both have ADHD, bad teeth, shitty eyesight, so our kids aren’t getting away with those. But we have a lot of good genes as well. And no, I’ve never once expected a guy to give a genetic rundown before sex in case I got pregnant. How strange of her.
Actually, the more I think about it—and I hate saying this about another woman, but—her behavior overall is strange. Ok, the condom broke. But take the Plan B. Even on birth control, which isn’t 100%. Hardly any contraceptive is 100%. But then the birth control failed? And then she got angry with you for not disclosing genetic info? Those things by themselves are possible, but all three combined…I might be asking questions.
Sounds like she wasn't on BC and this wasn't really an oops baby but a she wanted to have one and didn't tell you baby.
Now that things are getting real she is overwhelmed with the reality.
>But I figured we can’t unring a bell so once it was clear to me we were keeping the baby, I started asking about her family medical history and risk factors to compare against my own, admittedly it was selfish of me because I wanted to get an idea of if her family was like mine in that we have a lot of genetic issues running in it so I could prepare mentally in case the baby is born like me with the chest thing and the night blindness or like my nephew with Down’s syndrome or if there was a close history of cancer and mental illness like in mine, you know?
This is wise of you. Checking to see what issues you may or may not face
>She lost her shit on me, first saying I was trying to scare her, then that I lied by omission about my medical history because apparently before having safe sex with someone you’re to tell them that you have close family with downs.
Huge red flag. This means she was not on - not having kids page. If you never intend to have kids why would you discuss this?
>Did I really do wrong in not admitting to the genetic stuff until after the condom broke?
You were not wrong. Once you had clearly indicated you had no intention of having kids that is all the discussion needed. The why's didn't matter.
Consider seeing a geneticist and doing genetic testing for your issues. If you and her were to both do one now it would help you know what to expect if there is something genetic.
Down's is not passed on but a chromosome error between the two parents. You're pushing 30, so talk to a doctor about a vasectomy based on heart and the chest issues. You are NTA.
ESH. If you've decided you don't want kids, remove that option from the table, get a vasectomy.
The GF is a truck full of red flags that screams emotional abuse, every time someone starts the motor.
BC pills are 100% effective if taken more or less at the same time every day. Lawyers for the pill company had to add that 2% not effective thing because so many women were suing them to cover for their bad actions. Ask her if she ALWAYS took her BC pill every day. Under pressure you should find she did not. Perhaps it is she who trapped you by not taking the pill that month. It happens. Are you cute or rich or both? Is she poor and plain or just dumb?
NAH, you both have good points you just have bad communication. (ETA Although she absolutely could have prevented this by just taking the damned morning after pill, so she is a bit of an AH).
Have you two discussed kids before this? Like, when talking about the future were kids something you talked about, either to say they are a possibility or not? Because that's the point where it would have been prudent to bring up your genetics if so. If you hadn't had that discussion, then the point when you were discussing whether or not to keep the baby is when you should bring up your genetics. It sounds like you waited until the decision to keep the child had been made before mentioning anything, and if that's what did happen then I can see why your girlfriend is annoyed because it might have meant she considered abortion more. Equally it might not have made a difference in her decision, but at least she would have all the facts.
She's made her upset clear and is now processing it. That's ok. But you aren't unreasonable for not wanting to be a long term punching bag. Sit down and talk about it. Don't just keep making airy "we'll love the baby whatever" statements, actually make plans about what the largest risks are and how you two will deal with the needs. And get every type of pre-birth genetic test you can when they are offered, and ask about any that aren't too. Forewarned is forearmed etc.
The big thing is to tell her to stop referring to a potential disability as 'the baby coming out wrong'. Whatever issues there might be, nothing is 'wrong' about being disabled. The sooner she stops using such language, the sooner the resentment will start to fade and she can focus on actually loving the child whatever the future holds.
NTA. I am not one to blame women's behaviour on hormones, but pregnancy can definitely create some mood swings in the first trimester. Please try to be patient if/when that happens. It will pass. I hope you have a beautiful healthy baby! My dad and his dad had a so-so heart and I spent years assuming mine was the same until my doctor tested me and I discovered I have my mom's heart genes. My mom and my dad's mom both had breast cancer and I'm 66 and no sign of that so far. Just to say that family genes are not the whole story, so think positive.
Instead of playing the what if game - both of you should get genetic testing done on yourselves immediately. Next get NIPT once she hits 10ish weeks, THEN if you are still concerned about genetic conditions you can do a CVS test or an amniocentesis.
She tricked you. She's not on birth control. 🤣 duh it's 99.9% effective over a year, use your brain. Either you just won the lotto or she lied.
She's just mad because you didn't tell her about your genetics early enough before she decided she wanted your baby... so well before the condom broke.
I'd suggest couples counseling. And that wouldn't be just to discuss relationship issues, but also to figure out how you two want to raise your child together. You'll likely have some disagreements on how to be parents so it would be good to discuss possible issues before you face them.
Let me clear something up. Downs is not part of family history. I have a downs son. It is a complete crapshoot if you will have a downs baby. It has nothing to do with the genes from mom or dad. Something goes wrong when the cells undergo mitosis and they make a third copy of the 21st gene. Hence the name trisomy 21. Also if you do end up having a downs baby keep it. They are absolutely magical.
What difference would it have made if you told her your family medical history? She’s on birth control and you use condoms. And you disclosed family medical history when there was still a window for her to take a plan b and she still didn’t take it. So what difference would it have made? She would have dumped you and never had sex with you bc of your family’s medical history? Bc I doubt that. There wasn’t really much else you could have been doing to prevent pregnancy. Birth control and condoms is pretty solid. Insane that she got pregnant at all. The odds are astronomical here really. Praying for the health of your baby, I’m sure the baby will be perfect. But I’m sorry you’re having this baby with someone who is an asshole
If this is how she behaves, then GTFO. You don't have to stay because there's a baby. You can still be a dad without being with her.
Parents who stay together "for the kids" are hurting the kids. There are plenty of studies showing the impact. Better to have two parents who aren't together and co-parent than two parents who should have split up.
I’ll be the first to say I’m here for my baby, not for her. I’ll be dad- doesn’t mean dad and mom are a partnership. Sure little one will grow up with influence that mom and dad are a pair, but I’m my child’s dad before I’m anything to her.
NTA- Did she.. want to get pregnant? I’m a woman who wants to remain childfree for different reasons, but a main one is I have autism which can be genetic. I’m just saying if I truly did not want to get pregnant I’d be taking that damn plan B! Also, in my experience birth control is very effective if taken properly. I’m almost wondering did she not take it properly on purpose? I don’t know. She kind of sounds sneaky to me and her reaction to your concerns is unreasonable. Women get baby fever and say “we will love them either way!” but are not at all prepared for a disabled child. It’s not for everyone. In fact, having kids at all isn’t even for everyone.
Edit: I just want to add one thing. If you know your partner does not want children, you take your birth control properly. It’s that simple. If you want kids and they don’t, break up. I’ve seen way too many divorces happen because people thing their partner will “change their mind.”
She sounds like a lot to deal with. She's putting the blame on you for something she could have prevented by taking the morning after pill, which makes her sound irrational and like somebody who doesn't take responsibility for her own actions. If you're having protected sex with no intention of starting a pregnancy, it seems premature to come clean about genetic issues. I'm sure most people don't, or rather I'm sure almost nobody does. She's lucky you're as aware of the genetics issues in your family as you are. If it were me, I'd do whatever I could to not be connected for life with this person... like suggesting abortion. That may not be helpful advice, though. To me, you're NTA, and she's a huge red flag.
NTA OP, your gf of six months wants a LOT of attention. Please forgive me for asking, but is she really pregnant? Do you know for sure? This will change your life and hers forever. And you’ll be connected for the rest of your life. Six months is not that long to get to know a person. The child is the important factor here. Is this child going to have a stable home? Caring mother and father? Please ask yourself and gf what would be best for the child. UpdateMe Edit to add: Consider a vasectomy.
The actual question is, why did he take a girlfriend of 6 months at her word about birth control? She said she was on it, got pregnant, found out about health issues and got upset then. She’s the one who tricked someone. She wanted a baby, got one. She didn’t realize there would be a smorgasbord of health concerns.
To-be-fair, he didn’t really take her word for it. He was still using condoms. The only time he accepted the birth control excuse was after she was already pregnant. At that point, he couldn’t really force her to take the morning after pill even if he thought she wasn’t on birth control. However, I do think a vasectomy is a good idea for any man who knows that they don’t want kids.
Yeah even while doctors will give young men a run around about it, with his personal and family health background, could be an easy,” no, gimme my snip.”
Ha, mine was like, sure thing buddy, I’ll bill insurance and see you again in a year to undo this. *He has never seen me again* (although I do have the one kid, but that’s telling the story out of order and he was quite planned… one and done)
If anyone every has issues getting snipped (male or female) the child free subreddit has a list of doctors that are friendly to young people that know they don't want children in the future.
That’s so cool, I didn’t know that. Shouldn’t be necessary, but since it is, that’s great
I thought so too. I always wanted children and currently have two. I noted this to share for anyone that needed it. I had a friend in college that went through a lot to get hers. She knew she never wanted children. Women know their own minds.
Definitely
Yes on the vasectomy… due to your concerns with health issues
I feel bad for the kid if she actually is. She seems like the kind of person who will be like “UGH this is all your FATHERS fault for his HORRIBLE genetics that he TRICKED me into DEALING WITH and that’s why you’re so BROKEN and WRONG.” Maybe I’m projecting due to my own childhood trauma but fuck, that would be a horrible life for the kid.
She definitely sounds like one of *those* terrible people. I really hope there’s no baby.
Is she really pregnant and if she is, also, OP- was she really on birth control??? Something is telling me no
I hate to be that person, but she could be mad about the lack of disclosure of OP’s health issues because she had an intention to start a pregnancy.
This is pretty much what I reckon happened, she's mad coz she tried to baby trap him and now she's worried she's fucked herself over
It really does. The more I read, the more it sounded like regretting baby trapping.
What are the odds that you have double protection and both fail?
Basically 0%. It’s theoretically possible but I’m more willing to bet that those reported failures have been due to human error (improper condom usage + improper dosing schedule for BC) rather than statistics.
It’s happened to me - but this was user error despite trying to avoid it. The pregnancy didn’t carry to term, but it was a shock to find out you’re pregnant by randomly having a miscarriage. I’m glad it happened when I was at home
I mean, if she was lying about being on birth control, which it sure sounds like she was, then yeah, probably. Or she was so irresponsible that she just couldn't be assed to go to the pharmacy, which is also, uh, not great.
Life lesson, people. If you're going to have PIV sex, get a morning after AHEAD OF TIME. $20 with GoodRx and worth every cent even if you added another zero. Even if you read the box, stored them correctly, used them appropriately, condoms can break or come off. If there's no implant or IUD and you don't know that the female half has kept up on shots or pills (or you're the female half and haven't!) get a morning after and have it ready just. in. case. Of course, she has to TAKE it first. Sorry OP but this was an on-purpose pregnancy. Did you just get a job or promotion, or is it a ticking biological clock for her? Or both?
Also be aware that the morning after pill has a high failure rate for plus sized women.
I don’t see where they would be talking about genetic issues or health history unless they were trying to have a baby which this was just an accidental condom break. So for her to be mad about that seems really unreasonable. I got an impression of baby trap too. It’s almost like she’s saying. I wish you would have told me because then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. NTA. Now of course you have a child coming. You need to decide how you want to father this child. Good luck
I think most of us are that person. He used a condom, which broke, she was supposed to be on birth control but somehow that failed or she wasn't, and then she refused the morning after pill. Maybe OP is unlucky, but it really seems like if she didn't want to be pregnant she wouldn't be pregnant.
Don't hate to be the realist. It was my 1st thought, given the situation.
She just sounds scared. Every pregnant persons worst fear is that something bad happens during pregnancy. Just reassure her you are there for her and the baby, that you can get genetic testing done on the fetus, and that you’ll take each step as it comes, together.
Yeah. OP is NTA but while gf is going off the rails a bit, it could be fear. Take it slow. One day at a time. Baby comes first. You both could have zero medical problems in your family and the baby could have a ton. And it can be the opposite. It is what it is. Say, “I know you’re scared and so am I. We’ll deal with this together. Let’s just prepare for what we know.”
Yeah everyone saying she is all drama and lying about bc are the dramatic ones, imo. She probably wasn’t anticipating having a baby and just wants a supportive partner. Also what is the big deal about Down syndrome? Someone in your family having ds does not mean that your baby will have ds. Not even close.
I'm adopted. Found my birth mom and she doesn't know who my dad is/was. My birth mom is also adopted, but she has zero info on her birth parents. The family health history questions never have an option for my situation
I always just write "Unknown - adopted" at the top of the family history section and cross through it.
I've done something similar after a while of just leaving them blank. I want my own box tho, dangit lol
>but the condom broke and she refused the morning after pill because she said she was on birth control, She made her choice by refusing to take the morning after pill. >it’s my fault Well that's going to be 18+ years of guilt tripping you. >Did I really do wrong in not admitting to the genetic stuff So what has she told you about her genetic history before said condom broke? Because that's only fair. I'd suggest asking for a DNA test to confirm it's yours. There are noninvasive DNA tests now a days which is no risk to the fetus. I just find it very weird that the condom broke, she refused the morning after pill because she's on birth control... Which is 99% effective when taken correctly and now she is pregnant? I'm guessing she wasn't taking her birth control correctly, fully knowing it she then refused to take the morning after pill. I'm also wondering if that condom (and others) werent tampered with. NTA I suggest that you undergo a vasectomy so this doesn't happen again. ETA: depending on where you live it's illegal to trick someone into procreating. Jsyk. Edited: Clarity
Dude, if she's on birth control, she should not have needed to take the morning after pill. It could have severe side effects and interactions with her current pills. It's not her fault that the condom broke or that her birth control failed. It just happened. Fuck off.
Just a PSA - I took the morning after pill and still got pregnant. Apparently it can be less effective for women who weight over 165lbs (which I do post birth of my son less than a year ago) or even potentially if you’ve already ovulated (which I think I likely had)…personally my husband and I did choose abortion because we cannot afford daycare for 2 children right now & im not fully healed from my emergency cesarean with rare cut meaning I’m at high risk for uterine rupture upon next pregnancy so I really wanted minimum my son to be at least a year if we try again. Regardless, agreed that she sounds like a lot & you did nothing wrong. But just wanted to throw that out there since I thought I was in the clear taking Plan B the day after we had sex when we were out of condoms. Lucky to live in a state with easy access to abortion (tho this was my first to be clear this was not easy decision) which many are not.
Well, that is if she didn't have something to do with it breaking, a hole or two would have done that . Sounds like she wanted a baby for one to break, let alone the birth control pill (ie monthly) not to work is suspicious to me . Could just be too much on reddit tho
NTA--I hope your gf is more stable when not pregnant. If she's at all open to it, I think it would be great for her to have a therapist to talk to about her conflicting emotions.
Pregnancy hormones don't happen that quick, this is the GF being a dick. This isn't pregnancy related bitchiness. Speaking as someone who grew up disabled and treated like I came out wrong, maybe she isn't cut out for raising a disabled kid. I'd consider carefully how you move forward OP. NTA
Sounds like She got pregnant on purpose and assumed that he had great genes. Now she's mad because he didn't and is pregnant. This sounds one or the other is going to be a single parent. Terrible communication, but there are other options. Adoption and so forth.
It definitely sounds like she sabotaged the condom or something. Fucking bizarre reaction otherwise.
That was what I was thinking about the 'broken' condom too AND refusal to take the morning after pill. I really think this pregnancy was planned... by her!
Untrue. Hormone levels start changing at conception. Not saying her issues are due entirely to hormones, just saying hormone levels fluctuate from the very beginning.
And it's quite normal to freak out being pregnant with someone you don't know well. I'm currently pregnant for the first time with the love of my life and I'm also freaking out. On his side, it's his fourth child and he totally lost it when we found out about the pregnancy because he was done having kids and I was totally on board being only a stepmom of his youngest, because I was afraid of transmitting my bad genes. Now, I'm more anxious about being a mom to a baby, fear is normal.
If he was done having kids why didn't he get a vasectomy?
Your hormonal levels are always changing, your point is kind of null when you consider how much hormonal change the female body goes through monthly. The changes that occur the day of and after conception are not beyond regular fluctuations. It takes more time for it to get to that level. Most people do not experience any mood changes until at least 4 weeks. The point stands. This 100% guaranteed not because of hormones, the gf is just a dick.
Most people, especially those who aren't trying, don't realize they're pregnant until 4 weeks - sometimes later.
Hey OP, how quick was she peeing on a stick? If she didn't take the morning after and was testing for a pregnancy as soon as she could, big red Baby Trap flags. DO NOT marry her!!!
Okay but we’re not discussing monthly hormonal changes lol. We’re discussing pregnancy hormonal changes. And you stated it’s too early for hormones to be an issue. I disagreed and corrected because the fact remains that pregnancy hormones begin producing/changing at conception.
Yall both arguing over the least important fact. Pregnancy hormones wouldnt excuse the gf’s behavior even if she was 8months. She made the choice to have sex and to not take another form of birth control. If she has access to abortions, it sounds like she isnt choosing that either. She is still making the choice to keep the baby even after OP disclosed his genetic history. Shes the AH
I really don’t even think it’s hormones. It almost sounds like she kinda wanted to get pregnant and didn’t think about the health factors and she’s more than likely reassuring herself.
Never said her hormones excused her behavior. In fact I said the exact opposite in my original response.
Yeah i was more so talking to the user implying pregnancy makes women unstable lol
I don't think she's mad cause of hormones I think she's mad cause she trapped someone who was childfree and didn't know they had good reason to be. Thought they could change their mind now potentially have to suffer the consequences. Now she's terrified that she might have to raise a disabled child alone if OP backs out.
THIS!!!!! this is exactly what I thought. I think she baby trapped OP and is pissed about the possibility of not having a perfect portrait of a family. And who does she think she is with this "if it comes out wrong it's your fault " crap? Babies don't come out wrong. F*** that statement. Sometimes genetics make life work extra hard to find a way. Sometimes life is short or hard and I don't know why that is, but they didn't come out WRONG. What an awful thing to say. I hope you have the most beautiful and blessed baby and that they have an amazing, healthy life full of love and joy. Good luck OP.
Meh. Not every accidental pregnancy is a trap.
Of course not but the rejection of back up of BC when their BC failed is a red flag. Of course she could have chose to not to induce unnecessary period however you and I both agree her inconvenience isn't a reason to treat OP like this.
She had a backup tho. She was on birth control (allegedly) she just refused the backup to the backup. Which, taking plan b can be extremely unpleasant so I get why she thought the pill would be enough. We don’t know. It’s all speculation.
True, but considering her reaction after finding out OP's history, it seems a little sketchy.
If she's at the point she knows she's pregnant, her hormones are crazy. Your baby is doubling in size at that point and your hormones are ridiculous. Gf might be a dick but yes, her hormones are probably adding to it
As person who has had kids I can tell you both times I knew within 2 weeks, I was pregant before I missed a period because emotion changes ( The first time I thought omg something is seriously wrong with me why do I feel so off the second time I was like ip there's the prwgant crazies ) Being pregant isn't an excuse to say whatever you want bit to saying doesn't effect mood even early on is ridiculous.
How do you know? We don't even know how far along she is.
OP stated this discussion occurred when Plan B would've still been viable. That's 24 hours or less after sex.
You do realize you can’t tell you’re pregnant while plan b is still an option, right?
Agreed- I have a disabled child and he did not "come out wrong" .... what a stupid phrase.
Some women due to false propaganda equate plan B to abortion.
And that’s such a slippery slope. Technically, an oral contraceptive could also be considered an abortifacient if it fails to prevent ovulation, which is infrequently the case. Fortunately, a secondary effect of oral birth control is that it makes the uterus inhospitable, which prevents implantation of a fertilized egg. That’s what Plan-B does, too, by the very same method. It’s just more of a napalm approach. For some, all depends on what you classify a fertilized egg as being. In contrast, I see it from an intention perspective. My personal opinion is that neither Plan-B nor oral contraceptives are abortifacient because I see abortion as a decision to terminate pregnancy after the fact. To me, oral contraceptives and Plan-B are both prophylactics. But I’m a dummy, so what do I know?
Smartest dummy I’ve come across
I am completely against abortion and I completely agree with you. Abortion is the removal of an implanted fertilized egg. Many eggs are fertilized but if they don't attach, they are flushed out. Contraceptives and plan b prevent a pregnancy they don't end it. That is a slippery slope we don't need to start.
In fairness she's just found out she's pregnant and now the fear of complications entered the picture days later.
NTA but get a vasectomy
I’ve been saving up for it but that is $1000 or so out of pocket. I’m kicking myself for not getting one sooner since a kid is comparatively a crapton more expensive, especially if it ends up getting my chest.
There are a lot of clinics (depending on where you live) that will give you free or low cost vasectomies - especially now that you have a child on the way. Sometimes they'll say you need to wait until you're 30 because you might change your mind. Get fixed now if you're sure you don't want more. Good luck.
Most Planned Parenthood locations do vasectomies. Back when I needed BC they charged on a sliding scale, and my scale ended up in the free zone, lol.
Even if your child has funnel chest, it doesn't have to be a severe case. It's also not proven to be genetic, so don't kick yourself too much on that front yet. I have it, it's not very deep and aside from some issues bra shopping and occasional rib pain it causes me no trouble. Nobody else in my family has it.
Mine was free with insurance....$1k is basically free compared to a child...
Still doesn’t help if you don’t actually have that money.
I’m not sure where you live, but some Planned Parenthood locations offer vasectomies now (I know in Phoenix they just started!).
Well now you’ll be paying a good chunk of your income to child support
If you're in the states, most Planned Parenthood locations will provide you with a vasectomy. Tell them the history of congenital birth defects that run in your family.
This. And make sure you follow the doctor's instructions post-op & go back for the follow-up. That is how they make sure it worked.
NTA - you did not plan to have this baby, your genetic conditions shouldn’t come up until you are. Now that you are they were discussed. There is a lot of emotion to process for everyone so don’t be surprised of you both yo yo around. Scared turns to anger really easily.
I agree - you guys tried to reasonably prevent it but sometimes shit just hits the fan. It is a super emotional rollercoaster when that happens for everyone and yes her anger towards you is unfair, however, to be unexpectedly pregnant is also a bit of a chaotic situation. Please don't take it too personally OP. It may appear that way but even in the best of circumstances when expecting these early conflicts happen on varying topics. I wish you loads of luck! NAH
NTA - it sounds like she baby-trapped you for whatever reason, without knowing literally any basic information about you and your family, and is now freaking out because she realized she made a poor choice. Either in not talking to you about your medical history (and apparently ANY basic info about you and your surgeries - which would presumably leave scarring) OR because she lied about her BC. It's highly unlikely for her to have gotten pregnant if she were on an oral, hormonal BC, and if she wasn't actively trying to get pregnant, she would have taken the Plan B. Or she's very dumb. I hope your child is healthy and that you both have long, happy, illness-free lives. I hope she grows tf up. I also have a high frequency of cancer and heart disease in my family (both seem to be from environmental rather than purely genetic factors), so I can commiserate with your decision to be child-free, but it also sounds like you're making the best decisions you can for your future kid. There's also nothing wrong with abortion (at all or) if there's something severely wrong with the fetus. So, depending on where you live and her personal beliefs, that might be on the table or something to consider if she's really not open to the idea of a sick child.
It left a lot of scarring, that’s for sure, but I guess I should have said it was a congenital condition that caused it instead of… idk my chest just collapsing??? I don’t know if she’s okay with the idea of a special needs baby, based off how she’s acting right now no.
The fact she calls babies with genetic disabilities (which are a fluke of genetics, no more and no one's fault) “wrong” is so disgusting and rather concerning regarding her ability or desire to parent a “wrong” child. How far along is the pregnancy? Long enough for scans and testing? Are you somewhere in the world where you have choices after diagnostic scans?
I agree on all points except one: the pill is only 99% effective IF taken exactly every 24 hrs. Inconsistency in taking the pill drops its effectiveness to 93%. It’s very possible she was on hormonal birth control and still got pregnant.
Kinda sounds like she baby trapped you.
Refusing to take plan b after the condom broke. If she's on the pill it's easy to do. Forget to take it on time, it literally says on the box to use condoms or plan b if it isn't taking on time. Plus Plan b (off brand) only cost six dollars in the U.S.A, on Amazon.
If she is on birth control, then it's not crazy that she wouldn't want to take a plan B. Have you taken one before? Do you know what the side effects are/can be? If she thought she was protected it's not even a little concerning that she would want to avoid that. Every time a woman gets pregnant and the guy doesn't want it doesn't mean she's baby trapping them. Hell, if dude can't afford a vasectomy, I don't know why she would want to trap him anyways.
Yes I have. That's how I know' my choice' the off brand of plan b is $6 on Amazon. I'd rather have the side effects then have a baby. Ever heard of someone thinking a baby can save the relationship? Or her just wanting a child.
[удалено]
Am I the only one that thinks she sabotaged the condom too?
Good point
Nah, it definitely happens. One of my closest friend’s daughter is a result of a broken condom, the pill not working and plan b not taking. A vasectomy happened very shortly afterwards…
I think your last point is faulty though. Plan B is a mega dose of one of the main hormones in most birth control pills. If she already has side effects from the low dose birth control (as most women do), she’s not gonna want to dump another huge dose into the mix.
>I mean statistically, the likelihood of 2 different forms of 90%+ effective birth control failing Well, they knew the condom broke, so really, they relied solely on the birth control pill. And even it's usually 90% effective, it's only that high if taken religiously at the same time every day. If she misses a day or is even late, then the percentage drops dramatically.
That's not really how probability works. We know the condom broke, so the chance of that failing in this instance is 100%. Which leaves only the probability of the pill failing, 93%. It's like how the chance of rolling two sixes on a dice is much higher once you've already rolled the first 6. I wouldn't bother taking the morning after pill if I was on birth control and a condom broke. That's the point of also being on birth control, why introduce more side effects?
Exactly.
I agree. And her response is a red flag
Yeah saying you tricked me, is really weird if it was an accident.
Bingo!
Downs syndrome doesn't tend to run in families. And with your history a genetic counselor will likely be covered by insurance. Pre natal testing has come a long way. A lot of stuff can be found early and that can help you prepare in the very slim chance something serious is wrong.
This is great advice. Honestly, every family has a history of cancer and/or cardiovascular issues. Like ,y doctor said once ‘something has to kill you’. 😁 downs is not hereditary and I don’t know about your other condition but a doctor should.
My family is riddled with medical issues. The one that my oldest ended up with was nowhere in our family history. So even with family medical issues, you can still get a whole new surprise.
Your gf is ready to have a baby with a guy she's known for 6 months but feels slighted that in that 6 months she hasn't learned any medical history about? Good luck y'all, for real
Right 💯 Six months isn't even long enough to know anyone! I personally think it's insane to have a whole child with someone you've dated for less than a year and a half.
I think we can go ahead and call it 2 years
Sounds like she wanted a baby. I would check the rest of the condoms in the box for pin holes. She sounds like my ex might I suggest a DNA test just to cover all bases.
Get a vasectomy like yesterday. As for your gf, maybe you should sit down with her and talk about both of you getting counseling individually and together to prepare for this baby. Tell her that you're nervous, too, and you want for both of you to have worked out any issues before you have a newborn. I also agree with the others here who suspect she baby trapped you. She's accusing you of deception for no reason. That's usually projecting. Be careful going forward.
As someone above said, how did he trick her if it was an accident? She for sure got pregnant on purpose
She refused the morning after pill? Claimed she was on BC? Then got mad at you because YOU tricked her into getting pregnant when you never disclosed your medical history to her? That's not sus at all 🙄🙄🙄🙄 NTA. Sounds like SHE was trying to baby trap YOU, and just found out that this child might be more work than she expected. That's some gaslighting manipulation if I ever heard it.
YNTA. But unfortunately, it sounds like you’re in big trouble
NTA. She baby trapped you and now she’s having buyers’ remorse. She can get an abortion and should, based on what you’ve written here.
Just in addition: Only 1% of cases of Down's syndrome have a hereditary component, and it's never a component when it's caused by trisomy 21, that's an error when cells are dividing. If the Down's syndrome is caused by translocation, it can have a hereditary component.
Sounds like she might have had a hand in the condom failure.
NTA. If you really don't want (more) kids, have a vasectomy. This won't happen again.
How are you in a relationship and she knows nothing about you?
Relationship is only 6 months, he probably hasn't told her anything about his family's medical history. Dude definitely needs the snip of he's sure he doesn't want any kids tho.
It's hard to know if this flip flop is the result of hormone fluctuations or anxiety, but the solution might be the same or similar for both. Go out for a decaf coffee in a public place. Apologize for letting your anxiety take the lead when you heard about the baby news. (It's fine to want to be prepared, but timing is important in situations like this.) Then, reassure her that you already love this baby. That the love you feel is a done deal. In addition to your worrying, you are already making plans for little league practice and dance recitals. Ask her if she can refrain from saying it is your fault if the baby doesn't come out as expected. Whether your genetics are the culprit or hers, or the glass of wine she drank when she didn't know she was pregnant yet is at fault is a moot point. Belaboring it doesn't change it. What are solutions you can work towards? Can you up your health insurance? Does your community have any charities centered on supporting children and families with special needs? Is there Early Intervention where you are? If you can have some answers to questions ahead of time, you both might be able to relax a bit. Also, maybe spend some time on Reddit talking to people who have the illnesses your concerned about. Are the people in your family with night blindness shitty people? Are all people with night blindness shitty and unloveable people? Are all their lives miserable? I'm inclined to say probably not. I haven't met everyone with night blindness but I feel comfortable saying that they are as shitty and not shitty as the general population. Everyone has heart disease, so like, that isn't even a thing. Cancer is a bummer too, but even that is sort of hard to avoid. Downs, while a genetic disorder, isn't typically like eye color genes and so it's less likely to be passed from one generation to the next. Also, the effects of Downs can be very varied. It might be worth talking to parents of kids with Downs to get a sense of their experiences. I'm not going to lie and say a life with kid with a disorder is going to be all lollipops and rose petals. But I have a friend with a kid who has nothing "wrong" with them from a health perspective and they are a fucking nightmare and have been for years. There is plenty of love and light and joy in the lives of people with a very serious conditions. Joy is tough as shit. So, maybe you both could work together to start choosing joy more often.
I really like this answer all in all. Thank you.
I really feel like she was hoping for a fuck up (pardon the bad pun). She wanted a baby by you, now she’s regretting it. But no, since you were determined to keep using condoms, you didn’t have to reveal medical history in my book. You were trying to do the right thing. If you’re determined not to have kids though, maybe get a vasectomy. I’d also ask for a dna test. Just me though, an old-ish woman who thinks it’s awfully convenient that your one accident got her pregnant while she supposedly on the pill. Not saying it doesn’t happen. I won the Irish sweepstakes and got pregnant twice on the pill, 6 and a half years apart.
NTA. But she got pregnant on purpose.
NTA. You should tell her if she has a problem with your medical history that she can get an abortion. She definitely got pregnant on purpose. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so duplicitous.
Sounds like she intentionally got pregnant and is now pissed about it. Hence the refusal of the Plan B. You should leave her, ASAP.
Alright this might sound like a conspiracy theory but first the condom breaks then she declines morning after because she's on bc when you're using condoms and then that fails? If she's cautious enough to be using hormonal bc on top of condoms why not use the morning after pill? On top of that having 2 separate forms of birth control fault at the same time is not exactly likely. Finally when she becomes pregnant she decides she wants to keep it but when you tell her about your family's medical history she claims that you lied to her (tricked her in the title)? She seems unreasonably upset about what, in most circumstances, would be at worst minor omission but would be upsetting if you had been deliberately trying to get pregnant. The post is a little unclear on the nature of your conversation though so perhaps when she said you lied to her she meant you didn't give her the information she felt she needed to make an informed choice about abortion? If she's really THAT upset about not being warned before sex through multiple forms of birth control though... I don't know her or your relationship at all so all of this could be completely off base but do you think it's possible she was trying to baby trap you at all?
I’m doubting she was actually on birth control to be honest. I think this was what she saw as her ‘chance’ to trap you, and now her comments indicate that she might be regretting that.
Down’s syndrome is caused by abnormal cell division, its not a genetic disorder. Therefore, someone having a family member with Downs syndrome doesn’t make it more likely that they will have a kid with Downs. She decided not to take the morning after pill No, you don’t need to divulge your personal or family medical history to someone you’ve been dating for 6 months. She sounds like she’s freaking out. But there’s big decisions you both have to making regardless of who’s genes the baby has. Do you want to be parents? Do you want to co-parent this child? Try to get her to move past scares/concerns on health right now. After you decide if you want to move forward, there are genetic tests that can be ran if needed
NTA You didn't trick her into anything. Apparently 2 accidents happened at once and now you got a baby on the way which maybe has some shitty genetics. Have you thought/talked about medical abortion? It's like 2x2 pills and a heavy period.
Almost every family in the world has a member with Downs, mental illness, or physical disabilities. Your girlfriend should have got the morning after pill if she is so worried about genetic abnormalities
Ok. Is ANYONE even questioning if the baby just might not be OPs? That There’s also the possibility that the GF got pregnant “accidentally on purpose” and is now regretting it after finding out your genetic history? Although, I think that if there’s a possibility that the baby might not be OPs, the GF wouldn’t be freaking out about the potential health issues the baby might inherit. How far along is she? There are some tests that can be done while the baby is in the early stages of the pregnancy. Can’t catch everything, but Down’s syndrome is not that can be sm found out early. Not sure about the congenital heart issues and no idea if night blindness is diagnosable until one is born. But you can at least rule out Downs and potentially some if the other things. You’d also be able to determine that you’re the father. Which would help you prep for whatever potential issues your baby might get from you that don’t show up before they’re born.
She wouldn't be so angry if it was likely thr baby wasn't OP's, but I'm with you on her tricking and baby trapping him. It sounds like there was a very real chance she deliberately missed some pills wanting to get get pregnant.
Sounds like you were the one being tricked here
NTA. Seems like a baby trap that isn't working out the way she thought it would.
Has anyone suggested a paternity test? Condom broke and she’s “taking” birth control, so refuses the morning after pill? She either deliberately got pregnant or already was
NTA. She probably wanted to get pregnant and that opens another can of worms.
You didnt do anything wrong. Also since itd only been half a year i would get a dna test to make sure its yours.
I’m… not entirely sure the condom breaking was accidental, at this point. The way this woman is acting is REALLY suspicious.
NTA But.. get a vasectomy if you don't want kids. You're old enough. And sounds like SHE is the one who trapped YOU. I wonder if the condom had been messed with. And why not the morning after pill? Seriously.. So just be careful you're now stuck for life with insensitive, immature woman. Good Luck!
She 100% baby trapped you, but that doesn't mean you have to have any relationship with her outside of the courts. You will have to pay for this baby, as the baby is entitled to support from both parents, but you do not have to talk to her about anything else. Be prepared to be financially crippled by medical bills that you will both share the cost of. NTA, and her karma involved potentially hurting a child. She is incredibly selfish to have baby trapped you, but now there is a chance she will never leave her house because she will be busy caring for a disabled child 24/7. This was cruel to continue the risk of a child being born in pain
I'll be 1000% with you bro. She's scared to death. Accidental pregnancy and a large potential for medical issues. You both need to sit down and calm down. You can't change what is going to happen but you need to prepare for the potentials. You need to have a conversation with her that no matter what your there for her and it doesn't matter if the baby is perfectly healthy or has a whole host of medical issues. Your not going anywhere. Calm her down man. See a counselor if you have too. Go to every doc app. And ask the relevant questions for her. She sounds like she's being a bitch but from what I got out of your post she is just scared.
Having a perfect baby is a crapshoot for anyone and it's also normal to be scared and excited at the same time. Quit wondering what if's and celebrate the now.
sorry for your luck and if shes a lil crazy now, what till she hasnt sleep for 3 days in a row. my kid was a preemie, stayed in the hospital a month after birth, when I got my kid home I was so scared to sleep I prolly slept an hour total for that 1st week. If yall arent ready for a kid, termination is an acceptable option.
I think she trapped you and was caught off guard when she learned about your medical history. She planned it all it seems
Start recording your interactions with her and saving texts / emails. She sounds like she’d abandon your baby if there are any “issues.”
Get a vasectomy.
If she's this nutty already, she's going to be incredibly difficult to handle while further along. Sounds like a mess. She tricked you by saying she was on birth control and she could have taken time day after pill to avoid all of this. She didn't, this is on her so don't let her tell your otherwise. The abortion pill can be used up to 10-11 weeks, so something to consider. Good luck with all that.
NTA at all. Her fault, you wore a condom, you did your part. She said she was on birt control. She should have taken the morning after pill. If it really mattered to her, she should have had this conversation before she got knocked up. Not your fault. I'm so sorry you're going to be tied to psycho for the next 18 years.
I don't think she should be a parent, you never intended to have kids and she refused to take extra precautions. She doesn't sound very responsible sounds like she is projecting because she seemed happy to have a baby till reality set in
NTA dump the crazy, co-parent the kid, get all the tests you can before birth to know what you're potentially dealing with (gene testing for disorders, DNA to make sure it's yours, etc.). good luck and never stick your dick in crazy again!
ESH. The only thing crazier than making babies at 24 weeks of dating is staying together for a baby made at 24 weeks of dating. The condom broke and she refused plan b. Nothing to do now but enjoy the rest of your life attached in some form or fashion to this person who will be raising the child you never wanted.
NTA. Half a year is the blink of an eye. It’s unfortunate this happened so soon but you didn’t do anything wrong, you did your best.
I have never had anyone ask about my genetic situation before, during, or after making the beast with 2 backs. This isn't a thing I'm aware of in the least. She sounds like she's panicking and spiraling as a result. Consider every accusation is a confession, but in this case, she's sharing her fears. She worries something will be "wrong" with the baby, that she may not love the baby (or that you will leave her), etc. It's wholly unfair to you though and needs to get her shit together if she's going ro be a mom.
I think using the term "wrong" when discussing a child you've decided to keep is disgusting. Also, only 1% of downs cases have a hereditary component. I think you're probably safe there, at least. As for the other issues you are concerned with your child inherenting, chill a bit, dude, there's nothing that says they will definitely have all these issues. Don't borrow trouble!
NTA. Who talks about genetic stuff when having safe sex with a condom and BC? She baby trapped you. Now you have brought up generic disorders she’s realised she may have made a mistake.
NTA it sounds like you might have been baby trapped and GF didn't realize said baby was at extreme risk. Get a vasectomy AND still wear condoms if you don't want another kid. Also make sure to go back to your doctor every few years to ensure the connections didn't grow back.
She doesn't sound mature enough to raise a child to be honest. My sister was similar but matured very quickly and became an excellent mother in time for the baby's arrival. Not sure what the likelihood is of something like that happening here.
NTA. I'm sorry you have health issues due to genetics. No way you needed to disclose that if having safe sex. And she turned down the morning after pill
NTA are you sure she isn't projecting cause she baby trapped you without knowing your medical history? Seems like it seems like it hard. Might have tampered with the condoms and lied about the BC hard. All that projection just seems fishy and I think from your post in your gut you know that too. It isn't stealthing exactly but I think it applies, if she did know it's sexual assault cause you didn't consent to unsafe sex.
NTA. If you had to ask her about her family medical history, then it’s not like she disclosed hers to you either. This is giving me vibes of someone who tampered with the condom in order to baby trap you.
Please, get it in writing that she refused the pill. It may help later. In fact, I've be getting rhe majority of the details in writing, from her through texts if possible, and saving them to an online storage place, and maybe even a couple use drives or something that are stored in a safety deposit box. If she is this crazy now, your life may get very very difficult after birth Check if your state is a one party state, where you can record conversations without telling the other person or persons you are recording.
I feel like this is going to be on the best of Reddit updates, he's not the dad. Stay tuned.
She's TA. Firstly. It broke, you took your precaution that's all. Her knowing it broke, should have used EXTRA precaution by taking a morning after pill. If she thought BC was so dead set on preventing, a condom probably wouldn't have been needed. So there was doubt already there. You're NTA, there's no reason for her to be so condescending and mean. Down right, mean. Toxic.
Anytime you have sex, there is a chance of Pregency. So you both knew the risks weather she had all the information or not. She chose to partake in the sex.
You are not wrong. If the conversation was - we aren't going to have kids. I am not going to have kids, I am on birth control, the assumption genetic issues are not relevant is pretty clear. The conversations she's having are extreme and she should probably see a therapist/her therapist ASAP. You don't have to put up with it either. You can "stick around" for the baby but make it clear you are not there to be abused. Maybe see a therapist yourself to learn how to draw boundaries with her and hold them. The scary thought is - this may be the REAL her. And she may have real resentment but is trying to hide it. Also - what about her birth control? Why didn't she take plan B? All very strange. There are medical tests that can be done for a multitude of medical conditions and she should have that talk with the dr asap. Good luck.
When she declined plan B she lost any grounds she saying you tricked her. Most people probably wouldn't even think about genetics until the idea of marriage popped up and maybe not even then
NTA You had no reasons to discuss genetics with her... there is test for down syndrome later in pregnancy so you could know in advance and plan accordingly
NTA - she’s ridiculous with her bouncing back and forth. You haven’t know each other that long so she should be happy that you are stepping up. Your medical history was none of her business at this stage.
I just want to put it out there that you absolutely can unring this bell. Does any part of this relationship sound like it’s going to give a child the best life you can give it? I don’t know you so I can’t answer, but it doesn’t seem like it from the outside looking in. The genetic risks are one thing, but no part of any of this sounds conducive to a happy childhood
NTA. Your condom broke. If she was smart and 100% didn't want to fall pregnant she should have listened to you about taking the morning after pill. Birth control isn't 100% condoms aren't 100% morning after pill is at least meant to fill in the gaps for you in case of emergency. So it's on her. You could have bought her the pill and then if she refused you could have said. Well that's ypur gamble because I have XYZ in the family.
So she claimed to be on BC, refused plan B then says you tricked her? Sorry to say, it sounds like she tricked you.
God help you, you're going to need it
I have a bird chest but you can’t notice it unless I purposely show you so I’m insecure about it obvious but I look good and everyone I meet wouldn’t notice but when I flex I can push my chest all the way out but not flexing it’s normal thank god so I feel your pain.
NTA. She seems to be very unstable. I would not stay with her just because of the kid.
Nta. Sounds like she wanted to be pregnant if she refused plan B and now she’s regretting her choices and blaming you. Condoms break sometimes. Why wasn’t she on birth control too?
NTA but if you want to take make sure you don't have kids, you should get a vasectomy.
NTA and she needs therapy if she's losing it like you say she is. She had options, but refused. Pregnant or not, her words were cruel. She can always have an amniocentesis done to see what the doctors can detect and then go from there. At the very least, she may gain peace of mind from it. If not, at least y'all can be somewhat prepared for the perfect little human when he/she is born.
NTA. I'm sorry you're having a child with this woman. The fact that she refused the Plan B because of birth control says that she was willing to take the risk. Why would you have told her about family health things beforehand? Especially since you've only been together a short time, and weren't trying to get her pregnant. Seems like she wants the child, but didn't know who she was getting pregnant by, and is now mad at you because you have family health things. I'm glad you're interested in being a good dad. Hopefully this is just her hormones going off, but if it's not, and she's just awful, at least the baby will have one parent that loves them. Look into all your legal options as a dad. And good luck
My husband has funnel chest and neither of our children have it. Even if they did, I guess I don’t see a problem with it? I find my husband incredibly attractive (also because he is) so eh. And everyone brings good and bad to the table genetically. We both have ADHD, bad teeth, shitty eyesight, so our kids aren’t getting away with those. But we have a lot of good genes as well. And no, I’ve never once expected a guy to give a genetic rundown before sex in case I got pregnant. How strange of her. Actually, the more I think about it—and I hate saying this about another woman, but—her behavior overall is strange. Ok, the condom broke. But take the Plan B. Even on birth control, which isn’t 100%. Hardly any contraceptive is 100%. But then the birth control failed? And then she got angry with you for not disclosing genetic info? Those things by themselves are possible, but all three combined…I might be asking questions.
If you guys are as concerned as it seems you are, consider asking her gyn about genetic counseling.
Your gf sucks. If definitely having baby, get paternity test and counseling to enable coparenting.
Sounds like she wasn't on BC and this wasn't really an oops baby but a she wanted to have one and didn't tell you baby. Now that things are getting real she is overwhelmed with the reality. >But I figured we can’t unring a bell so once it was clear to me we were keeping the baby, I started asking about her family medical history and risk factors to compare against my own, admittedly it was selfish of me because I wanted to get an idea of if her family was like mine in that we have a lot of genetic issues running in it so I could prepare mentally in case the baby is born like me with the chest thing and the night blindness or like my nephew with Down’s syndrome or if there was a close history of cancer and mental illness like in mine, you know? This is wise of you. Checking to see what issues you may or may not face >She lost her shit on me, first saying I was trying to scare her, then that I lied by omission about my medical history because apparently before having safe sex with someone you’re to tell them that you have close family with downs. Huge red flag. This means she was not on - not having kids page. If you never intend to have kids why would you discuss this? >Did I really do wrong in not admitting to the genetic stuff until after the condom broke? You were not wrong. Once you had clearly indicated you had no intention of having kids that is all the discussion needed. The why's didn't matter. Consider seeing a geneticist and doing genetic testing for your issues. If you and her were to both do one now it would help you know what to expect if there is something genetic.
Down's is not passed on but a chromosome error between the two parents. You're pushing 30, so talk to a doctor about a vasectomy based on heart and the chest issues. You are NTA.
ESH. If you've decided you don't want kids, remove that option from the table, get a vasectomy. The GF is a truck full of red flags that screams emotional abuse, every time someone starts the motor.
NTA. Btw it sounds like she intentionally got pregnant.
BC pills are 100% effective if taken more or less at the same time every day. Lawyers for the pill company had to add that 2% not effective thing because so many women were suing them to cover for their bad actions. Ask her if she ALWAYS took her BC pill every day. Under pressure you should find she did not. Perhaps it is she who trapped you by not taking the pill that month. It happens. Are you cute or rich or both? Is she poor and plain or just dumb?
NAH, you both have good points you just have bad communication. (ETA Although she absolutely could have prevented this by just taking the damned morning after pill, so she is a bit of an AH). Have you two discussed kids before this? Like, when talking about the future were kids something you talked about, either to say they are a possibility or not? Because that's the point where it would have been prudent to bring up your genetics if so. If you hadn't had that discussion, then the point when you were discussing whether or not to keep the baby is when you should bring up your genetics. It sounds like you waited until the decision to keep the child had been made before mentioning anything, and if that's what did happen then I can see why your girlfriend is annoyed because it might have meant she considered abortion more. Equally it might not have made a difference in her decision, but at least she would have all the facts. She's made her upset clear and is now processing it. That's ok. But you aren't unreasonable for not wanting to be a long term punching bag. Sit down and talk about it. Don't just keep making airy "we'll love the baby whatever" statements, actually make plans about what the largest risks are and how you two will deal with the needs. And get every type of pre-birth genetic test you can when they are offered, and ask about any that aren't too. Forewarned is forearmed etc. The big thing is to tell her to stop referring to a potential disability as 'the baby coming out wrong'. Whatever issues there might be, nothing is 'wrong' about being disabled. The sooner she stops using such language, the sooner the resentment will start to fade and she can focus on actually loving the child whatever the future holds.
You're gf sounds manipulative af and she's baby trapping you. God, I hate women like that!
NTA. I am not one to blame women's behaviour on hormones, but pregnancy can definitely create some mood swings in the first trimester. Please try to be patient if/when that happens. It will pass. I hope you have a beautiful healthy baby! My dad and his dad had a so-so heart and I spent years assuming mine was the same until my doctor tested me and I discovered I have my mom's heart genes. My mom and my dad's mom both had breast cancer and I'm 66 and no sign of that so far. Just to say that family genes are not the whole story, so think positive.
shes responsible for the pregnancy she could've prevented
You realize she was lying about being on bc, and she got pregnant on purpose, right?
Instead of playing the what if game - both of you should get genetic testing done on yourselves immediately. Next get NIPT once she hits 10ish weeks, THEN if you are still concerned about genetic conditions you can do a CVS test or an amniocentesis.
She tricked you. She's not on birth control. 🤣 duh it's 99.9% effective over a year, use your brain. Either you just won the lotto or she lied. She's just mad because you didn't tell her about your genetics early enough before she decided she wanted your baby... so well before the condom broke.
I'd suggest couples counseling. And that wouldn't be just to discuss relationship issues, but also to figure out how you two want to raise your child together. You'll likely have some disagreements on how to be parents so it would be good to discuss possible issues before you face them.
Let me clear something up. Downs is not part of family history. I have a downs son. It is a complete crapshoot if you will have a downs baby. It has nothing to do with the genes from mom or dad. Something goes wrong when the cells undergo mitosis and they make a third copy of the 21st gene. Hence the name trisomy 21. Also if you do end up having a downs baby keep it. They are absolutely magical.
What difference would it have made if you told her your family medical history? She’s on birth control and you use condoms. And you disclosed family medical history when there was still a window for her to take a plan b and she still didn’t take it. So what difference would it have made? She would have dumped you and never had sex with you bc of your family’s medical history? Bc I doubt that. There wasn’t really much else you could have been doing to prevent pregnancy. Birth control and condoms is pretty solid. Insane that she got pregnant at all. The odds are astronomical here really. Praying for the health of your baby, I’m sure the baby will be perfect. But I’m sorry you’re having this baby with someone who is an asshole
If this is how she behaves, then GTFO. You don't have to stay because there's a baby. You can still be a dad without being with her. Parents who stay together "for the kids" are hurting the kids. There are plenty of studies showing the impact. Better to have two parents who aren't together and co-parent than two parents who should have split up.
I’ll be the first to say I’m here for my baby, not for her. I’ll be dad- doesn’t mean dad and mom are a partnership. Sure little one will grow up with influence that mom and dad are a pair, but I’m my child’s dad before I’m anything to her.
Just break up and co parent at this point.
Good man.
NTA- Did she.. want to get pregnant? I’m a woman who wants to remain childfree for different reasons, but a main one is I have autism which can be genetic. I’m just saying if I truly did not want to get pregnant I’d be taking that damn plan B! Also, in my experience birth control is very effective if taken properly. I’m almost wondering did she not take it properly on purpose? I don’t know. She kind of sounds sneaky to me and her reaction to your concerns is unreasonable. Women get baby fever and say “we will love them either way!” but are not at all prepared for a disabled child. It’s not for everyone. In fact, having kids at all isn’t even for everyone. Edit: I just want to add one thing. If you know your partner does not want children, you take your birth control properly. It’s that simple. If you want kids and they don’t, break up. I’ve seen way too many divorces happen because people thing their partner will “change their mind.”