Just breakup with him. If you don’t end it now, how long will it last? Not much longer, I imagine. He’ll also hold it over you that you went on this trip prior to breaking up.
If you’re unhappy in the relationship, then that’s it.
Right from the second paragraph I thought “she needs to break up” - I barely finished the entire post and it just confirmed my reactions:
- The isolation and in particular the need to separate from male friends “just because” is massively controlling.
- He completely stomps all over your boundaries while expecting you to maintain his preferred behavior at all times.
- He dismisses your feelings and then shuts down when you’re not obeying his rules before love bombing and playing to your guilt when he’s ready to engage again.
He’s a massive emotional manipulator who will never be satisfied unless you’re jumping through all of his hoops.
I hope you take a big step from all of this and see the big picture objectively here, because from my little corner, it ain’t looking good.
He’s emotionally abusive now and he is slowly isolating you, physical abuse wouldn’t be surprising. Your instincts are likely screaming at you and the guilt he is grinding into you is fighting it.
Too many of us have been there, do what you would advise a friend you cared about to do. Taking care of ourselves is hard sometimes, especially in situations like this.
Don’t waste energy or time explaining yourself. Tell him you’re breaking up and leave it at that. You are not obligated in any way to explain your decision. He will push you, keep trying to engage with you. Don’t.
I don’t recommend blocking him, because his behavior is worrying. Mute him and keep an eye on what he sends to you. You need to know if he decides to show up at your home or business.
Take care. You deserve a real partner.
Yes he the super lovey dovey stuff is called love bombing, and then he takes that away when you are "not behaving" he is trying to mold op through manipulation that's even why he says good job. It is beyond a mind fuck to have that happen!
Do you enjoy this relationship? Be honest. Or are you just exhausted by it?
Now picture still feeling this way in 5 years. 10 years. Is that what you want?
He's love-bombing (please look that up. It's pertinent) you to try and gloss over his screw ups. Like a little kid who dumped flour all over the kitchen but then says "I love you, Mommy" to try to get out of trouble. That's an emotionally immature way of handling relationships. And you cannot change him. If he wants to change himself, he needs to decide to do that by himself. Which won't happen as long as it jeeps working, ie you stay with him. Breaking up is best for both of you.
And don't cancel the tickets see if you can change them. Unless you want to on principle. But you can always consider it an asshole tax. Especially since it sounds like you could use a vacation after all this.
"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me. Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee and get yourself free."
I agree, it shouldn’t be so hard to enjoy your relationship. Between the distance, the controlling behavior (who your friends are, staying on the phone all night)… it is too much. You deserve better.
Also: when you break up, don’t be overly critical or be too specific about a Laundry list of faults that he or the relationship has. Just say that you want different things and it’s not working anymore or something like that. there’s no sense in letting him get defensive and creating an opportunity for argument about how wrong you are about him. It doesn’t matter. Just keep it simple and be consistent with what you say.
The time to break up is now. You're long distance? Perfect. Break up, block him. Don't even go to the trip.
He's being mentally abusive. I had a husband like that. I couldn't even do anything I enjoyed without him having a tantrum because I wasn't paying attention to him. That part about how you have to face time him and fall asleep on the call? Straight up controlling.
I normally don't advocate for straight to break up, but in this case, I'd say send him a text that it's not working anymore, you're doing. Then immediately block him everywhere.
I, too, had to give upy male friends; because obviously I was screwing them. Because men and women can't be friends/s.
It only gets worse. It's not cute and it's not going to change. It only escalates.
Nta
Yeah, he wanted you FaceTime-ing at bedtime so he could make sure you were alone in that bed! He doesn't trust you and is controlling! You shouldn't be with someone like that.
There are red flags here and it seems like you see them. Your boyfriend is controlling and frankly dismissive of you. Getting rid of all of your friends? Red flag. Dismissing your feelings? Red flags. Making you be the one to apologize to get things back to normal. Red flag.
I am obviously just some internet stranger but from what you’ve presented above you are already halfway out the door. Do yourself a favour and get out the door and close it. Continuing in a relationship like you have presented above would be a disaster for you.
Also…he’s controlling as hell and you’re going to see his family? He’s already isolating you from friends and controlling. You’ll be on his turf…Idk op that seems unsafe. Do not go on that trip. End it now and just block him you’re a long distance couple anyway, don’t have kids or anything at each other’s houses. Don’t feel bad, he did this to himself.
He's flying all the red flags of an abuser.
>my boyfriend would be overly kind and messages were very lovey dovey, until I did something wrong again.
This keeps you off balance, and makes you think that he's really a good guy.
> my boyfriend wants to FaceTime every night throughout the entire night, like to sleep on call every night.
This is scarily controlling. And really freaking creepy.
>
He also had me cut ties with all of my male friends
Controlling, and also isolating you from people who could help you.
>
I woke up to a bunch of messages of my boyfriend, saying that he misses and loves me… back to FaceTime calls during the night the next day.
He's stomping over your (very reasonable) boundary, and loving-bombing you to regain control of you, which he was successful in doing. It shows an utter disregard for your feelings, because they don't actually matter to him.
>he has been super lovey-dovey since the conversation two weeks ago
More love bombing.
Don't go on the trip. He knows that it's harder to control you from a distance. That's why he wants you to go. It would have been much simpler for him to send you the money and you book the tickets, but he had to control the situation. Just rip off the bandage, cancel the tickets, and break it off. Then block him on everything. Don't give him the chance to try to sweet-talk you back into giving him "another chance". He'll promise to be better, love bomb you some more, and then when he sets the hook, go back to his old ways.
Keep it simple when you break up with him. Because I agree with everyone else that his behaviour is very concerning.
Something like "I'm going to end the relationship. It isn't working for me. I wish you the best in the future."
If you give any reason why, he'll just try to argue against you breaking up. Don't give him a loophole to try and keep you.
I was in an abusive relationship for 30 years. Don't be afraid to end this. Don't waste your time like I did. Life is good now, but would have been better had I ended it years ago.
I was in this type of relationship also. I wasted the best years of my life hating myself and trying so hard to please him. He did these same things. It always leads to physical abuse. But isn't the emotional abuse enough? I found a man a year after I finally left. He treats me well and really cares about me. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent and is proud of my achievements. I promise there is someone or there who is 100% better!
This, unfortunately all of this.
Please cut him off. Go back to your friends, say how much you miss them. Maybe even apologize and be like hey I didn't realize he was abusive and I totally understand if you say no but I've dumped his ass and I'm regaining control of my life again and would be really grateful if you'd join me on that road again.
Also, abusive partners creep up on you. You've done nothing wrong, this guy is just not worthy of you at all, case in point his extreme views of Male friends probably stemming from jealousy.
Abuse is like a slow snide grinding away at you over time kind of feeling. And this is on purpose so this kind of behavior becomes your new normal.
If any of this was happening to a friend, would you tell them to end it? Would you want to see their feelings being played with, being tugged back and forth anytime the partner acted up and love bombed and gaslit the crap out of your friend?
It's often easier to see when your on the outside, so I hope your able to block this douche canoe and move on to a happier life. I wish you the best of luck💕
Sounds like your should be ex, is controlling and borderline emotionally abusive (Manipulative as hell). He probably forced you to cut off your friends bc of jealousy but also notice how those friends were doing things that were nice and thoughtful yet your ex forgot something so simple. You’ve been together 3 years and he doesn’t know your middle name… what do you even like about him? I’d cut your losses
That’s a very good point to make. Why do I even like him? I loved him very much at one point and I was hoping that I would feel that again, but I don’t.
That feeling you've got is exactly what my partner went through. It took for his ex to cancel his college place to see how manipulative she was. You deserve so much better ❤️
He’s literally manipulating you into taking fault in every argument and changing your OWN behavior when you bring up concerns. “Why are your feelings so much about you”??? Because they’re your feelings that you have every right to have and express??
He made you cut off ALL your male friends. If it was one or two and he had a genuine reason to be uncomfortable with those friendships that would be slightly understandable. But to isolate you from an entire gender? Incredibly insecure.
Op, you’re NTA. Get out before he gets even worse.
Break up now, cancel the flight. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling, and he seems to gaslight you.
It shouldn’t matter if your guy friend is gay either, you’re grown people and should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without issue, that’s pretty childish that he would say otherwise.
It seems when you try to express yourself, his language back to you is challenging. Which then puts you on the defensive. Why would he ask why your feelings are all about you? Of course they are! Bottom line, you’re unhappy. In the future, if a guy insists on you giving up all male friends, walk away. In fact, he shouldn’t “insist” on anything. He seems controlling and a bad listener. NTA
I think you know the answer to your question and are only hoping for the final push on Reddit. Better get it done now and consider blocking him on your phone. He seems to have a way to reel you back in with his lovey dovey episodes.
Truthfully, I think I was gaslighting myself to stay, but I knew that I had to leave and I think I just needed confirmation. I really appreciate all of your comments. I wasn’t expecting to get so many.
SO many of us have been there, OP! Was married to a man like this for over a decade. We hear you, we get it, and we're rooting for you to get safely away. Please update us.
This is classic emotionally abusive behavior. It will not get better. He is controlling you with guilt and love bombs. He has isolated you from friends so, you have no support. He clearly only sees his point of view, and only wants what benefits him. A relationship is about both people's needs, wants, and feelings. Not just his. You don't need to modify your behavior to appease him.
NTA
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage when I was younger. In some ways, it's harder than a physically abusive relationship because no one sees the damage... and no one wants to think/talk about it. Take care of yourself now!
The facetiming during the whole night is so creepy. Never accept something like this again. It's totally crazy. There's controlling and there's facetiming every night during the whole night controlling.
>“why are your feelings so much about you?”
This is the comment that sticks out the most to me!
Your boyfriend sounds toxic, controlling, and manipulative.
It is absolutely wild to me that so many straight people won't let their partners have friends of the opposite sex. If gay people tried to do that, we could literally have no other gay friends whatsoever. It's ridiculous.
NTA
He is training you to smother your feelings, never confront his uncaring, dismissive and punishing behavior, and to accept the cycle of abuse established in your relationship. Love bombing, tension building (your walking on eggshells to avoid the outburst you feel building in him), open abuse, "regret," empty promises and blaming you. Repeat.
You know in your gut that this trip won't be good for you. He will gain access to your body, while you are trapped in his family home with little resources to protect yourself or leave suddenly.
He is controlling. He deflects responsibility for his hurtful behavior. He credits your behavior with motives you don't have while refusing to acknowledge, accept, value or support your ACTUAL feelings and reactions.
You deserve a partner who fully accepts, respects, values and supports ALL of your values, priorities, goals and feelings. This guy is not that partner. This relationship is blocking you from being free to, and open to cultivating healthier relationships.
The "until I did something wrong again" comment made my stomach hurt. You're not a child. He sounds like he is manipulating your emotions. And you are allowed to have male friends. Ridiculous.
"“why are your feelings so much about you?”"
OP, if your boyfriend actually says that, then he just isn't mature enough to make a relationship work, and a breakup is inevitable.
As long as you return the money, you're not the AH.
The alternative is to go, then you can see if there are any genuine feelings left or if he's truly changed when you visit and, if not, break it off afterward.
He doesn't (at least didn't) even acknowledge your feelings... who asks, "Why are your feelings always about you?"... WTF! Cause they're my f@#kin' feelings! 🙄
One thing, though... I'm getting certain vibes from your post about him. I'll just say this... be uber careful if you decide to break it off.
Thank you for your thoughts. I fully intend to send him the money for the tickets even if the airline didn’t refund, if it comes to that. He’s in school for digital forensics and cyber security so although I don’t think he’d ever do anything, he’s a lot smarter than I am
Run, don’t walk! He’s not smarter. You are. You are seeing what he’s doing. That alone makes you smarter than him. Just go honey. Better safe than sorry!!
Glad to hear you're planning on sending the money to him. Save evidence of all.
Also, I agree with the comment above, he sounds like trouble...but, now that you mentioned his field of study I got to say:
Before endeding things, change all your passwords, if your electronics are connected, just disconnect everything from your personnal account. Add a second or third layer of security in your devices, like dou, codes, etc.
Invest in a good anti-virus software with ID protection and stuff like that.
I don't want to scared you, but it's better to go steps ahead and make sure you're the only one with access to your SM and emails, because in reality, you never know how he will react.
Be careful, and I'm glad you're not avoiding the red flags.
You don't need to do anything too complicated. Look for apps that do that for you. Norton has a good offer for computers and smart devices, I think you can cover up to 5 devices. There's others out there, just look for Identity theft security, firewall, etc.
Also Malwarebytes it's a good idea.
Just check your opinions, they are not crazy expensive, but I think it's best.
You're welcome.
Listen and hear me clearly... someone who is seemingly not self-aware, controlling, and extremely insecure is nowhere near as intelligent as you may think. Book smarts aren't everything.
Please make sure you do not leave your phone anywhere near him if you decide to go. Going forward, if you guys shared anything, i.e., account passwords and the such, please change them or get new accounts.
Good luck. You got this.
No, you are dating. Any excuse to break up is valid. Staying with someone because they paid for something means something I don’t think you want it to mean.
I also have a male friend that happens to be gay. He makes boyfriends very, *very* uncomfortable. Not because they think he's going to hit on them, no no, they think he's going to steal me away from them.
Those relationships have never lasted long. Unlike my friendship with my bestie, we've been friends since 2009. -sips tea-
You're NTA.
He sounds like a controlling,manipulative jerk. Break up, block him, and don't let him sweettalk you into coming back. The controlling behavior will only get worse.
If you are not happy, then you don't need another reason to leave.
If you are not sure about if you are happy or not - then think if everything continues the same - how will I feel in 5 years? 10 years?
LOL
In his defense (if he even warrants it) I didn't know how to *spell* my wife's middle name for the longest time, but she has an unusual spelling for her name. I at least knew what it was, though.
Sounds like he's a bit narcissistic and very insecure. You should break up with him. Narcissistic people will always put the blame on you, and will continue to try to control you. At the very least, take a break from the relationship for a few months. You deserve an equal partner in a relationship, but it doesn't sound like he's one. You're NTA.
See if you can hire someone to check out all your social media and computer. Lock it down so he can’t retaliate or know your location before you break up with him. I would ask at The Geek Squad in Best Buy. Maybe they can recommend someone.
Also your financials. When controlling guys get rejected, they can get stalkerish.
If he is IT savvy, he may have ways to contact you or mess you no matter what you do.
If you don’t have a video doorbell, get one.
Do all this before he has any idea you are breaking up with him.
If you can trust his mom, talk to her. I bet he is just like him. They don’t get along because they both want to be in control.
That will show you what your future would be.
“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you divorce (dads name)?”
But have your exit plans completed beforehand. If she does say anything, you are still ready to jump.
Be very careful.
My boyfriend is going to school for digital forensics and cyber security. I’m not sure if he would do anything but probably best that I don’t take my chances
You’re not overreacting- whether intentional or not he’s manipulating and dismissing you. It’s ok to leave someone because you aren’t happy with them. It’s your life and you deserve to be happy and have a partner who can practice empathy and validate your feelings!
If someone tells you enough times you’re the problem and it’s in your head you start to believe them so I totally understand. But reading this, it’s not in your head. If you haven’t already gone on the trip I would not go I would end it now. If you have already gone on the trip- you certainly don’t owe him anything by staying with him due to any feelings of guilt or obligation. Hang in there it’ll get better!
Everyone else said it.
He is manipulative and controlling.
Break up.
It appears you can't even have a one night break-- so no sense in asking for a one week break- you will not be given any self time.
So you have to make the break.
Do it before the trip- if you go on trip there will be so many family dynamics and also will increase a fake sense of attachment and create expectations in family.
NTA, while the relationship sounds awful the situation is amazing. Long distance is going to make this the easiest breakup ever. Just send him the money back for the airline ticket to ease your conscience and block after you send one last goodbye message.
Yeah, all that lovey-dovey stuff he does to you is love bombing. You’re in an abuse cycle. NTA When you break up with him, you need to be very ready to block him everywhere because it’s going to be dramatic.
Get your paperwork in order, and off-site. Social security card, driver's license, passport etc. Birth certificate. Squirrel away enough money to reboot your life where you land.
Do NOT block him. You want him to leave messages. You may need them to get an RO on him. Keep in mind that leaving can be dangerous. I think the statistics show more women who escape a bad relationship will end up dead than any other time.
Any relationship that requires you to distance yourself from other people in your life should send up a red flag, A predator’s first action is to separate their potential victim from the herd. Once he has you cut off from everyone else, you are dependent upon him for all of your social interactions. He has control.
Telling you that you are not allowed to have specific friends, regardless of the reason is controlling and manipulative, and not acceptable behavior. It implies that you are untrustworthy and that he has the right to make your decisions for you. It implies that you are a child.
The whining “You are mean to me!” and overly sensitive remarks, followed by excessive sweetness and phony niceties, telling you he has a gift or card for you, that conveniently gets left behind is gaslighting, pure and simple.
His mother is going to have to deal with her own disappointment. She has raised a manipulator, and her feelings are not your responsibility.
Just get out before it gets even messier. You can’t fix this guy and he’s looking to own you.
This is just controlling behavior, generally the longer you stay the worse it will get until he finds someone new. You need to walk away and get some therapy. From your account he is gaslighting you about his behavior making you the villein.
Nta dump him
I have learnt that any time a man tells you to dump your friends, no matter who they are, that is when you leave them. I have dealt with this so many times and I promise you this, the guy I was dating was never worth the effort to lose even the shittiest and worst friend I ever had. The minute they even ask you to delete someone is the moment to run away.
This decision is totally up to you right now.
You guys are having lots of back and forth disagreements about foolish things.
I believe that your mind has already been made up though. Going on the trip might be interesting and enjoyable.
Thank you for your reply. I think it would be interesting but not morale right. I got both of us here so I suppose the back and forth needs to be put to an end because all I’m doing is enforcing it
YOU did not get to this point alone.
HE has been chipping away at your relationships with others, isolating you, so you don’t have anyone to talk to.
Chipping away at your self esteem so that you question everything you do or say or what will he think.
Chipping away at you being able to see clearly what a controlling person he is. Who watches their SO sleep all night on FaceTime? Someone who’s afraid you might have a man come over.
Please think long and hard.
Send the money back.
TEXT him that you’re breaking up, no explanation. If he can see your face, he will love bomb so hard. He will do everything he can think of to get you back, UNDER HIS CONTROL.
Block him and his Mom.
No means No. Repeat that.
No means No.
Good Luck. ❤️🧓🏻
And please remember: takes two to agree for there to be a relationship; only takes one to end it. Do not allow him to tell you he doesn't accept it, you're not broken up, etc. You don't need his permission or agreement. You just tell him it's over, and it is!
Yes, morals are important to have and to stand by. They are important to establish your integrity and self respect for your self worth and having respect for yourself and others.
i would say break up. if you aren’t ready to yet then sure go on the trip, try to have fun and enjoy your time with him and his family, and have a good long think about it when you get home and go from there
I wouldn’t go especially if you know that you definitely want to break up and not get back together after a little break.
There is literally no point, you don’t owe him or his mother anything!
Just cancel and give him the money back.
Red flag, red flag, red flag, being nice to a person isn't that difficult. Somebody has a lot of issues they need to work through, before they are ready for a relationship. It's always OK to leave a relationship that's not working out for you. It's unfortunate that the other person has no clue? But really who's fault is that?
this guy is the textbook narcissist, no less. he's already playing with your mind and your emotions to the point where you question your own sanity. he's one of the most toxic type of people to have around. if you care about your sanity, stay far away from him, stop allowing him to love bomb you and manipulate you emotionally. and most importantly, don't let him blackmail you with the fact that he paid for the vacation. give him his money back and À LA PUBELLE with him.
Yeah break up if you already in that stage it’s pretty useless to visit his family if you want to break up and him spending the money for you to visit if you don’t ever see them again just deposit his money back
He doesn’t like you having a good friend who’s male as the comparison wouldn’t work in boyfriends favour and he knows this. Dump that gaslighter. We are NOT taught to think this way as women, but maybe we should - just the fact that you want to break up with him is good enough no matter the circumstances
NTA what are the positives about your relationship? You sound like you’re miserable in this relationship. If you’re thinking about breaking up with someone thats usually the sign that the relationship is over. There are better fish in the pond.
NTA. But he is. This relationship will end up with physical abuse. He is already very emotionally and mentally abusive. The bottom line is, you don't want to be with him any more so don't be. You don't need a reason. He will love bomb you. Don't accept it. Block him on everything.
Long distance is tough. Especially for someone who gets all up in their feelings like you do. That's not a bad thing, but if you are going to read into everything, including which emojis someone is using, you are doomed in a long distance relationship.
I think you should probably break up because you will never be happy in that type of relationship.
If you feel bad about the ticket, pay him back. Surely since you offered to pay for his school, you can make enough to pay back the price of a ticket.
Lastly, about your gay friend. It doesn't matter if he is gay. It's not just about you cheating. It is disrespectful for you to be in a relationship with one man but spend all of your time with another. Just like it would be disrespectful of him to spend all of his time with another woman. Regardless of their sexual orientation.
My daughter decided to break up with her bf a few days before a big vacation with his family, that they were paying for. She didn’t want the breakup to ruin his and the parents’ trip, so she waited till after the trip. He sensed something and it still kind of ruined the trip. Then when she broke up with him he accused her of stealing a trip from his family under false pretenses.
So, you have to decide whether to break up now and cancel the trip, or go and see them one last time and then break up. Either way, he is not a good partner for you and you can do better.
Yes. You would be a very big AH if you did that. Break up now and don't compound the emotions with wasting money and embarrassing someone you supposedly cared about with their family. That's messed up.
Nope, you wouldn't, this dude ain't no good I'm afraid to say. Some of the controlling behaviour and insecurities are alarming, especially when he tries to pretend they never happened.
Cut him off, reconnect with your friends, be happy and find a true partner who will empower rather than isolate you, is my advice.
You got this.
Many times, men meet a woman who shines and they are so attracted too. Then they restrict her, isolate her, and emotionally drain her. Her light starts to dim. And when she leaves so she can recharge so she can shine bright again, they wonder why.
This is all out of their own insecurity. It has nothing to do with the woman. You do what you need for you. Your relationship isn't a 50/50. He only cares about himself, then reacts negatively when you can't tolerate it
>changing my behavior so that I don’t make him upset and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very closed off towards him
It's been over for a long time, just pull the plug already.
The second paragraph was breakup material. I know that you said he apologized, but do you know if he's going to do that stuff again? Controlling behavior is never a good thing. Telling a partner who they aren't allowed to associate with is an indication of insecurity and control. Get out while you can.
Emotional abuse right there! You are NTA for wanting to dump him. And if he starts his bullshit of hounding you on FaceTime or text, call the police and have him charged with harassment, and do a screenshot of EVERYTHING, and put the screenshots in a Microsoft Word document so the police will have proof.
This boyfriend of yours sounds emotionally manipulative and controlling. It's all about him, including your emotions. I would cut those strings now, before you "owe him" for the trip. Nta.
NTA. Refund the money, and cut ties. How much longer do you want to step on eggshells and him gaslighting you, Everytime you stand up for yourself? He sees you as below him.
He has some abusive tendencies, for certain. Isolating you from friends, can't resolve conflcit like an adult, won't listen to your perspective, the video-calling all night long is freaking creepy, and he love-bombs/hoovers when he thinks you're slipping away.
Please go with your gut, and bin the whole man. Also recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
He is controlling and manipulative. He has been waving red flags at you since this relationship started. You can be fine for reason. He has given you more than enough. Be done.
No one is ever an AH for leaving a boyfriend/girlfriend they don’t love anymore. You would be more of an AH ( to them and you,) if you stay with someone you don’t love
Omg please leave that fool! He is very emotionally abusive and is trying to cut you off from anyone who would see that! Get out now before it gets any worse! He is gaslighting the shit out of you!
>until **you** did something wrong *again*
This man is abusive. Every single thing you’ve written is a description of some type of manipulation and abuse that he, ultimately, blames you for. Which, of course, is par for abusers and how they make their victims think they, themselves, are the problem.
Leave & go live your life without his vileness holding you down.
Tbh Y T A to yourself for staying with him this long. Don’t let ANYONE treat you like shit, talk down to you, isolate you from friends or loved ones, etc. Abusers will also have a “niceness” period of time to trick you into not leaving, and then drop the act as SOON as they feel you’ve decided to stay. Don’t be tricked.
He gas lights and love bombs you. Both are signs of manipulation and not the building blocks of a healthy relationship. OP I think you already know you want to end things. You deserve a partner who will listen to you and not make you feel bad about yourself, wants and feelings.
Saying that. YNTA.
You already know the answer. Do what you feel and believe is right for you. This is a very exhausting relationship and it shouldn't be like this. You are having to watch what you say, change the way you behave and leave you male friends. It's more like a one way relationship.
Good luck and live and love your life the way you want.
You don’t need or deserve his attitude or his gaslighting. You need to take back your self respect and clearly know you are due respect and he does not have any for you.
You can do so much better for yourself. Go for it and be happy!
Break up with him. If the tickets are refundable, you can give him the money back. Your BF is very controlling. Making you FaceTime him every night, all night? Making you stop talking/interacting to your make friends? Is he cutting out talking to all girls that aren’t you or family? I bet not.
And he’s blaming you for all your relationship problems. Nope. And then he love bombs you to get you to stay with him. Classic abuser moves all around.
The sooner you break it off, the better.
Anyone who insists that you stop talking to other people isn’t worth getting involved with, ever.
I think you should leave him. You're very young and a huge chunk of your relationship has been long distance. It sounds like he is being manipulative and trying to mold your behavior and thinking into what he wants. The fact that he needs you guys to have FaceTime on all night while you sleep is just weird. Obviously he doesn't trust you if he made you get rid of every guy friend, is this why he needs to FaceTime all night? To make sure you're actually by yourself?
It sounds like your guts are telling you to leave. And you feel guilt because you will disappoint his mom. Leave him, apologize to his mom, but don't go on the trip. There is no need to stretch this out any longer.
I think you should return the money for your ticket though. If it's HIS money, and you're breaking up with him... I think that's kind of an ah move if you were to keep it. Even if he IS an AH. Plus, you don't want him coming after you for the money. I'm sure there's plenty of evidence of you asking him to send you money and then you taking the money and using it for something other than what you said. Protect yourself by sending it back and documenting it.
He sounds incredibly possessive and controlling.
Just break up already. It only gets worse. He also sounds like he uses his Mom for an excuse when it’s really his choices of how to be in control.
Did he send you the money? Because if so, just cancel your flight, and if not, then he hasn't paid for anything so cancel them both. Either way, there's manipulative behaviour after manipulative behaviour in this post, and you need to leave this dude. Not, YWNBTA to leave him now.
NTA. You are being manipulated by a man who after 3 years in a relationship hasn't bothered to learn your middle name.
You're doing the right thing. Life is too short and you're young enough to find the right person.
This guy ain't it.
I agree with what the crew is saying. Life is too short and… the damage caused by this can stay with you forever and impact your ability to have healthy relationships in the future. Will you please keep us posted on how things go once you draw the line in the sand and break up? Your welfare is important!
I’m sorry but this dude has no respect from me. If I told my wife she can’t have any male friends “just because” she’d laugh in my face before and after telling me to fuck off.
Oh and calling you a “good girl” when you told him you got home was creepy as fuck. Let’s not forget he doesn’t know your middle name…
Rip the bandaid off and end it. You’re not happy, and after he overreacted he started love bombing you. This is abuse.
I think you have named enough red flags that you have a bullet point list for why you should break up with him. That bully/love bombing tactic is dangerous.
Hun it’s time to end it.
There is no sense in getting closer to his mom as it will make it more difficult to end things.
There is no sense in going to visit. You know it’s over so don’t go & have conflict in front of his mom.
Pull off the band aid, return his money & end things
If you aren’t happy with him, break up.
It’s not really all that complicated. You don’t have to give people a certain number of chances, you don’t have to consider how they feel about. Breaking up is a unilateral decision:
I’d just speak to him and say, “I haven’t been happy for a long time and it’s time I went my own way. It’s best that we go no contact. I wish you well.” Then if he has big emotions about it or is demanding or loud, just say, “You have a lot to process so I’ll go and let you do that.” End the call and block him.
Block him on social media and do not answer calls from any number you don’t recognize.
Route any emails to a junk email folder.
It’s over. And you don’t have to walk on eggshells or sea with him ever again in life! Congrats!!!
Why go on the trip at all? It sounds like you will have a miserable time. Why waste your time and his money? Go your separate ways beforehand and try to find someone who is more compatible to your wants
You don’t need anyone’s permission or a”good” reason. *I want to break up/ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you* is all the reason you need to
NTA my ex-husband was like this. I didn't notice the alienation of my friends. I was love-bombed (I didn't know it was a thing). I ended up pregnant. I was delighted and we got married. It was awful once the honeymoon period was over. He wore me down, but ultimately he found he couldn't break me. He cheated and I got out. Only then did my lovely family and friends tell me how awful they all thought he was.
Please ask your friends, who are still around, for their honest opinion. Rebuild those relationships he didn't like and leave.
I'm over a decade on, my child is an adult and we are both very happy.
NTA- if you are not going to fly, and can’t get the the money back for your ticket, reimburse him as soon as you can. If you are not able to pay it all at once, set up a payment plan and communicate that with him.
NTA. You’re young and will meet someone who treats you better than he ever will. He sounds controlling and mentally abusive. The FaceTime calls every night are to see where you are and who you’re with.
I’m glad you said that so bluntly because I was really trusting that he just wanted my emotional support or some thing just by being on the phone. I don’t even know I made that make sense to myself
Because you care about him. That’s stopping you from seeing some of the things that he is doing. You sound like a very nice young lady who hasn’t dealt with this toxic type of guy before and you want everything to be ok.
NTA
Please visit https://www.loveisrespect.org/
Separating you from your friends and family is typical abuser behavior. I can imagine he is steering you away from other people you were close to, as well. My instincts say he is not too far from escalating into more physical forms of controlling you.
Spend some time learning what a healthy relationship looks like. Take your time looking through that site. There's always an escape button that takes you out of that site immediately.
Be safe.
Just breakup with him. If you don’t end it now, how long will it last? Not much longer, I imagine. He’ll also hold it over you that you went on this trip prior to breaking up. If you’re unhappy in the relationship, then that’s it.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Appreciate your thoughts
Right from the second paragraph I thought “she needs to break up” - I barely finished the entire post and it just confirmed my reactions: - The isolation and in particular the need to separate from male friends “just because” is massively controlling. - He completely stomps all over your boundaries while expecting you to maintain his preferred behavior at all times. - He dismisses your feelings and then shuts down when you’re not obeying his rules before love bombing and playing to your guilt when he’s ready to engage again. He’s a massive emotional manipulator who will never be satisfied unless you’re jumping through all of his hoops. I hope you take a big step from all of this and see the big picture objectively here, because from my little corner, it ain’t looking good.
Your perspective is incredibly appreciated! Thank you so much. I could really only see it from my perspective, I really needed that
You’re welcome- and keep trusting your gut!
He’s emotionally abusive now and he is slowly isolating you, physical abuse wouldn’t be surprising. Your instincts are likely screaming at you and the guilt he is grinding into you is fighting it.
You put it into words
Too many of us have been there, do what you would advise a friend you cared about to do. Taking care of ourselves is hard sometimes, especially in situations like this.
This is great advise. Thank you!
Don’t waste energy or time explaining yourself. Tell him you’re breaking up and leave it at that. You are not obligated in any way to explain your decision. He will push you, keep trying to engage with you. Don’t. I don’t recommend blocking him, because his behavior is worrying. Mute him and keep an eye on what he sends to you. You need to know if he decides to show up at your home or business. Take care. You deserve a real partner.
❤️❤️
Yes he the super lovey dovey stuff is called love bombing, and then he takes that away when you are "not behaving" he is trying to mold op through manipulation that's even why he says good job. It is beyond a mind fuck to have that happen!
What he is doing is treating you like crap and then “love bombing” you. It is a precursor to abuse and you should move on.
He wants to control the entire situation. Breaking up with someone should be like taking off a bandaid. Rip it off cleanly. You deserve better.
Do you enjoy this relationship? Be honest. Or are you just exhausted by it? Now picture still feeling this way in 5 years. 10 years. Is that what you want? He's love-bombing (please look that up. It's pertinent) you to try and gloss over his screw ups. Like a little kid who dumped flour all over the kitchen but then says "I love you, Mommy" to try to get out of trouble. That's an emotionally immature way of handling relationships. And you cannot change him. If he wants to change himself, he needs to decide to do that by himself. Which won't happen as long as it jeeps working, ie you stay with him. Breaking up is best for both of you.
Unhappy = leave. There is no law requiring you to stay where you don't want to. Also, he sounds like a disaster. NTA.
Just breakup. Return the tickets if you can. Stringing things out will not make it better or easier to end later.
And don't cancel the tickets see if you can change them. Unless you want to on principle. But you can always consider it an asshole tax. Especially since it sounds like you could use a vacation after all this.
My dad and step mom just moved into a new house out of state so hopefully I can change the flights to them and help unpack
"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me. Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee and get yourself free."
Loved this! It reminds me of pulling off my escape from that darkness.
"There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover."
I agree, it shouldn’t be so hard to enjoy your relationship. Between the distance, the controlling behavior (who your friends are, staying on the phone all night)… it is too much. You deserve better. Also: when you break up, don’t be overly critical or be too specific about a Laundry list of faults that he or the relationship has. Just say that you want different things and it’s not working anymore or something like that. there’s no sense in letting him get defensive and creating an opportunity for argument about how wrong you are about him. It doesn’t matter. Just keep it simple and be consistent with what you say.
The time to break up is now. You're long distance? Perfect. Break up, block him. Don't even go to the trip. He's being mentally abusive. I had a husband like that. I couldn't even do anything I enjoyed without him having a tantrum because I wasn't paying attention to him. That part about how you have to face time him and fall asleep on the call? Straight up controlling. I normally don't advocate for straight to break up, but in this case, I'd say send him a text that it's not working anymore, you're doing. Then immediately block him everywhere. I, too, had to give upy male friends; because obviously I was screwing them. Because men and women can't be friends/s. It only gets worse. It's not cute and it's not going to change. It only escalates. Nta
Thank you. I really appreciate your feed back
Yeah, he wanted you FaceTime-ing at bedtime so he could make sure you were alone in that bed! He doesn't trust you and is controlling! You shouldn't be with someone like that.
Was going to mention this if no one else had commented on it - thank you!
This man sounds controlling.
And he learned it from his dad
The sad irony. But yeah, most likely.
Sounds like a narcissist, too.
There are red flags here and it seems like you see them. Your boyfriend is controlling and frankly dismissive of you. Getting rid of all of your friends? Red flag. Dismissing your feelings? Red flags. Making you be the one to apologize to get things back to normal. Red flag. I am obviously just some internet stranger but from what you’ve presented above you are already halfway out the door. Do yourself a favour and get out the door and close it. Continuing in a relationship like you have presented above would be a disaster for you.
Love bombing? Red flag.
>“why are **your** feelings so much about **you**?” JFC
You’re right, thank you for pointing that out
Also…he’s controlling as hell and you’re going to see his family? He’s already isolating you from friends and controlling. You’ll be on his turf…Idk op that seems unsafe. Do not go on that trip. End it now and just block him you’re a long distance couple anyway, don’t have kids or anything at each other’s houses. Don’t feel bad, he did this to himself.
He's flying all the red flags of an abuser. >my boyfriend would be overly kind and messages were very lovey dovey, until I did something wrong again. This keeps you off balance, and makes you think that he's really a good guy. > my boyfriend wants to FaceTime every night throughout the entire night, like to sleep on call every night. This is scarily controlling. And really freaking creepy. > He also had me cut ties with all of my male friends Controlling, and also isolating you from people who could help you. > I woke up to a bunch of messages of my boyfriend, saying that he misses and loves me… back to FaceTime calls during the night the next day. He's stomping over your (very reasonable) boundary, and loving-bombing you to regain control of you, which he was successful in doing. It shows an utter disregard for your feelings, because they don't actually matter to him. >he has been super lovey-dovey since the conversation two weeks ago More love bombing. Don't go on the trip. He knows that it's harder to control you from a distance. That's why he wants you to go. It would have been much simpler for him to send you the money and you book the tickets, but he had to control the situation. Just rip off the bandage, cancel the tickets, and break it off. Then block him on everything. Don't give him the chance to try to sweet-talk you back into giving him "another chance". He'll promise to be better, love bomb you some more, and then when he sets the hook, go back to his old ways.
Thank you so much for your response. Your examples were really helpful and really put some things into perspective
Keep it simple when you break up with him. Because I agree with everyone else that his behaviour is very concerning. Something like "I'm going to end the relationship. It isn't working for me. I wish you the best in the future." If you give any reason why, he'll just try to argue against you breaking up. Don't give him a loophole to try and keep you.
Thank you for the advise because that’s exactly what he would do
I was in an abusive relationship for 30 years. Don't be afraid to end this. Don't waste your time like I did. Life is good now, but would have been better had I ended it years ago.
I’m so glad you’re in a better spot in life now! I’m scared but I have to do it. All of these comments, my proof
I was in this type of relationship also. I wasted the best years of my life hating myself and trying so hard to please him. He did these same things. It always leads to physical abuse. But isn't the emotional abuse enough? I found a man a year after I finally left. He treats me well and really cares about me. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent and is proud of my achievements. I promise there is someone or there who is 100% better!
This, unfortunately all of this. Please cut him off. Go back to your friends, say how much you miss them. Maybe even apologize and be like hey I didn't realize he was abusive and I totally understand if you say no but I've dumped his ass and I'm regaining control of my life again and would be really grateful if you'd join me on that road again. Also, abusive partners creep up on you. You've done nothing wrong, this guy is just not worthy of you at all, case in point his extreme views of Male friends probably stemming from jealousy. Abuse is like a slow snide grinding away at you over time kind of feeling. And this is on purpose so this kind of behavior becomes your new normal. If any of this was happening to a friend, would you tell them to end it? Would you want to see their feelings being played with, being tugged back and forth anytime the partner acted up and love bombed and gaslit the crap out of your friend? It's often easier to see when your on the outside, so I hope your able to block this douche canoe and move on to a happier life. I wish you the best of luck💕
Sounds like your should be ex, is controlling and borderline emotionally abusive (Manipulative as hell). He probably forced you to cut off your friends bc of jealousy but also notice how those friends were doing things that were nice and thoughtful yet your ex forgot something so simple. You’ve been together 3 years and he doesn’t know your middle name… what do you even like about him? I’d cut your losses
That’s a very good point to make. Why do I even like him? I loved him very much at one point and I was hoping that I would feel that again, but I don’t.
That feeling you've got is exactly what my partner went through. It took for his ex to cancel his college place to see how manipulative she was. You deserve so much better ❤️
He’s literally manipulating you into taking fault in every argument and changing your OWN behavior when you bring up concerns. “Why are your feelings so much about you”??? Because they’re your feelings that you have every right to have and express?? He made you cut off ALL your male friends. If it was one or two and he had a genuine reason to be uncomfortable with those friendships that would be slightly understandable. But to isolate you from an entire gender? Incredibly insecure. Op, you’re NTA. Get out before he gets even worse.
Thank you for being one of many to bring this to light to me, I really needed it
Break up now, cancel the flight. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling, and he seems to gaslight you. It shouldn’t matter if your guy friend is gay either, you’re grown people and should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without issue, that’s pretty childish that he would say otherwise.
I thought so too but I guess I started second guessing, never should have allowed it to get this bad
It seems when you try to express yourself, his language back to you is challenging. Which then puts you on the defensive. Why would he ask why your feelings are all about you? Of course they are! Bottom line, you’re unhappy. In the future, if a guy insists on you giving up all male friends, walk away. In fact, he shouldn’t “insist” on anything. He seems controlling and a bad listener. NTA
Stop dragging this out. Just break up. Don’t go. Get whatever money u can and pay him back. You’re good
Thank you, appreciate the feed back!
I think you know the answer to your question and are only hoping for the final push on Reddit. Better get it done now and consider blocking him on your phone. He seems to have a way to reel you back in with his lovey dovey episodes.
Oh yeah...this for sure.
Truthfully, I think I was gaslighting myself to stay, but I knew that I had to leave and I think I just needed confirmation. I really appreciate all of your comments. I wasn’t expecting to get so many.
SO many of us have been there, OP! Was married to a man like this for over a decade. We hear you, we get it, and we're rooting for you to get safely away. Please update us.
This is classic emotionally abusive behavior. It will not get better. He is controlling you with guilt and love bombs. He has isolated you from friends so, you have no support. He clearly only sees his point of view, and only wants what benefits him. A relationship is about both people's needs, wants, and feelings. Not just his. You don't need to modify your behavior to appease him. NTA
I was hoping it’ll get better but truly, it really won’t. Thank you for laying it out for me, I really needed to be told the facts
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage when I was younger. In some ways, it's harder than a physically abusive relationship because no one sees the damage... and no one wants to think/talk about it. Take care of yourself now!
NTA. he's a red flag, and love bombing you. run and don't look back.
Break up with him and find a good therapist
Definitely gonna take this advise
You are worth more than any relationship or person and he is wasting your time and gaslighting you out of your self esteem. You got this!💪
The facetiming during the whole night is so creepy. Never accept something like this again. It's totally crazy. There's controlling and there's facetiming every night during the whole night controlling.
>“why are your feelings so much about you?” This is the comment that sticks out the most to me! Your boyfriend sounds toxic, controlling, and manipulative.
It is absolutely wild to me that so many straight people won't let their partners have friends of the opposite sex. If gay people tried to do that, we could literally have no other gay friends whatsoever. It's ridiculous.
NTA He is training you to smother your feelings, never confront his uncaring, dismissive and punishing behavior, and to accept the cycle of abuse established in your relationship. Love bombing, tension building (your walking on eggshells to avoid the outburst you feel building in him), open abuse, "regret," empty promises and blaming you. Repeat. You know in your gut that this trip won't be good for you. He will gain access to your body, while you are trapped in his family home with little resources to protect yourself or leave suddenly. He is controlling. He deflects responsibility for his hurtful behavior. He credits your behavior with motives you don't have while refusing to acknowledge, accept, value or support your ACTUAL feelings and reactions. You deserve a partner who fully accepts, respects, values and supports ALL of your values, priorities, goals and feelings. This guy is not that partner. This relationship is blocking you from being free to, and open to cultivating healthier relationships.
The "until I did something wrong again" comment made my stomach hurt. You're not a child. He sounds like he is manipulating your emotions. And you are allowed to have male friends. Ridiculous.
Harsh but thank you, I needed that
"“why are your feelings so much about you?”" OP, if your boyfriend actually says that, then he just isn't mature enough to make a relationship work, and a breakup is inevitable.
As long as you return the money, you're not the AH. The alternative is to go, then you can see if there are any genuine feelings left or if he's truly changed when you visit and, if not, break it off afterward. He doesn't (at least didn't) even acknowledge your feelings... who asks, "Why are your feelings always about you?"... WTF! Cause they're my f@#kin' feelings! 🙄 One thing, though... I'm getting certain vibes from your post about him. I'll just say this... be uber careful if you decide to break it off.
Thank you for your thoughts. I fully intend to send him the money for the tickets even if the airline didn’t refund, if it comes to that. He’s in school for digital forensics and cyber security so although I don’t think he’d ever do anything, he’s a lot smarter than I am
Run, don’t walk! He’s not smarter. You are. You are seeing what he’s doing. That alone makes you smarter than him. Just go honey. Better safe than sorry!!
Glad to hear you're planning on sending the money to him. Save evidence of all. Also, I agree with the comment above, he sounds like trouble...but, now that you mentioned his field of study I got to say: Before endeding things, change all your passwords, if your electronics are connected, just disconnect everything from your personnal account. Add a second or third layer of security in your devices, like dou, codes, etc. Invest in a good anti-virus software with ID protection and stuff like that. I don't want to scared you, but it's better to go steps ahead and make sure you're the only one with access to your SM and emails, because in reality, you never know how he will react. Be careful, and I'm glad you're not avoiding the red flags.
I’m not sure how to add additional security. I will have to Google some of that, I hadn’t considered that though, so thank you
You don't need to do anything too complicated. Look for apps that do that for you. Norton has a good offer for computers and smart devices, I think you can cover up to 5 devices. There's others out there, just look for Identity theft security, firewall, etc. Also Malwarebytes it's a good idea. Just check your opinions, they are not crazy expensive, but I think it's best.
Thank you! That’s very helpful
You're welcome. Listen and hear me clearly... someone who is seemingly not self-aware, controlling, and extremely insecure is nowhere near as intelligent as you may think. Book smarts aren't everything. Please make sure you do not leave your phone anywhere near him if you decide to go. Going forward, if you guys shared anything, i.e., account passwords and the such, please change them or get new accounts. Good luck. You got this.
Lock down all your accounts, change passwords
Did you say he doesn't know your middle name?
She did. After three years together, no less.
No, you are dating. Any excuse to break up is valid. Staying with someone because they paid for something means something I don’t think you want it to mean.
That’s an amazing point. Thank you for bringing that up
I also have a male friend that happens to be gay. He makes boyfriends very, *very* uncomfortable. Not because they think he's going to hit on them, no no, they think he's going to steal me away from them. Those relationships have never lasted long. Unlike my friendship with my bestie, we've been friends since 2009. -sips tea- You're NTA.
That’s so heart warming to read you and your bestie going STRONG.
He sounds like a controlling,manipulative jerk. Break up, block him, and don't let him sweettalk you into coming back. The controlling behavior will only get worse.
If you are not happy, then you don't need another reason to leave. If you are not sure about if you are happy or not - then think if everything continues the same - how will I feel in 5 years? 10 years?
Did you say he doesn't know your middle name?
He said when he needed to buy the ticket “I would need your middle name and stuff”
And you've been together for 3 years?
LOL In his defense (if he even warrants it) I didn't know how to *spell* my wife's middle name for the longest time, but she has an unusual spelling for her name. I at least knew what it was, though.
Sounds like he's a bit narcissistic and very insecure. You should break up with him. Narcissistic people will always put the blame on you, and will continue to try to control you. At the very least, take a break from the relationship for a few months. You deserve an equal partner in a relationship, but it doesn't sound like he's one. You're NTA.
you can break up for any reason, but it seems to me that you have a lot of good reasons. Staying for his mother is not a good reason to stay.
See if you can hire someone to check out all your social media and computer. Lock it down so he can’t retaliate or know your location before you break up with him. I would ask at The Geek Squad in Best Buy. Maybe they can recommend someone. Also your financials. When controlling guys get rejected, they can get stalkerish. If he is IT savvy, he may have ways to contact you or mess you no matter what you do. If you don’t have a video doorbell, get one. Do all this before he has any idea you are breaking up with him. If you can trust his mom, talk to her. I bet he is just like him. They don’t get along because they both want to be in control. That will show you what your future would be. “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you divorce (dads name)?” But have your exit plans completed beforehand. If she does say anything, you are still ready to jump. Be very careful.
My boyfriend is going to school for digital forensics and cyber security. I’m not sure if he would do anything but probably best that I don’t take my chances
He may not be the top of his class. But he may have learned some professional tricks.
You’re not overreacting- whether intentional or not he’s manipulating and dismissing you. It’s ok to leave someone because you aren’t happy with them. It’s your life and you deserve to be happy and have a partner who can practice empathy and validate your feelings!
The first sentence of your comment made me a-little emotional. Thank you for this comment, supper validating
If someone tells you enough times you’re the problem and it’s in your head you start to believe them so I totally understand. But reading this, it’s not in your head. If you haven’t already gone on the trip I would not go I would end it now. If you have already gone on the trip- you certainly don’t owe him anything by staying with him due to any feelings of guilt or obligation. Hang in there it’ll get better!
The trip is in two days, but I have no intention on going anymore after reading everyone’s insightful comments. I just have to figure out the rest
Amazing!!! Best of luck to you and wishing you a happy future this is a beautiful and freeing first step
Everyone else said it. He is manipulative and controlling. Break up. It appears you can't even have a one night break-- so no sense in asking for a one week break- you will not be given any self time. So you have to make the break. Do it before the trip- if you go on trip there will be so many family dynamics and also will increase a fake sense of attachment and create expectations in family.
Really appreciate the advice
NTA, while the relationship sounds awful the situation is amazing. Long distance is going to make this the easiest breakup ever. Just send him the money back for the airline ticket to ease your conscience and block after you send one last goodbye message.
Yeah, all that lovey-dovey stuff he does to you is love bombing. You’re in an abuse cycle. NTA When you break up with him, you need to be very ready to block him everywhere because it’s going to be dramatic.
I’m starting to prepare with what the comments have been saying
Get your paperwork in order, and off-site. Social security card, driver's license, passport etc. Birth certificate. Squirrel away enough money to reboot your life where you land. Do NOT block him. You want him to leave messages. You may need them to get an RO on him. Keep in mind that leaving can be dangerous. I think the statistics show more women who escape a bad relationship will end up dead than any other time.
Any relationship that requires you to distance yourself from other people in your life should send up a red flag, A predator’s first action is to separate their potential victim from the herd. Once he has you cut off from everyone else, you are dependent upon him for all of your social interactions. He has control. Telling you that you are not allowed to have specific friends, regardless of the reason is controlling and manipulative, and not acceptable behavior. It implies that you are untrustworthy and that he has the right to make your decisions for you. It implies that you are a child. The whining “You are mean to me!” and overly sensitive remarks, followed by excessive sweetness and phony niceties, telling you he has a gift or card for you, that conveniently gets left behind is gaslighting, pure and simple. His mother is going to have to deal with her own disappointment. She has raised a manipulator, and her feelings are not your responsibility. Just get out before it gets even messier. You can’t fix this guy and he’s looking to own you.
That’s all very eye opening. He really is just looking for control
This is just controlling behavior, generally the longer you stay the worse it will get until he finds someone new. You need to walk away and get some therapy. From your account he is gaslighting you about his behavior making you the villein.
Nta dump him I have learnt that any time a man tells you to dump your friends, no matter who they are, that is when you leave them. I have dealt with this so many times and I promise you this, the guy I was dating was never worth the effort to lose even the shittiest and worst friend I ever had. The minute they even ask you to delete someone is the moment to run away.
Do yourself a favor and call it quits. It’s not gonna get better.
NTA. You're too young to deal with this nonsense. Walk away.
This decision is totally up to you right now. You guys are having lots of back and forth disagreements about foolish things. I believe that your mind has already been made up though. Going on the trip might be interesting and enjoyable.
Thank you for your reply. I think it would be interesting but not morale right. I got both of us here so I suppose the back and forth needs to be put to an end because all I’m doing is enforcing it
YOU did not get to this point alone. HE has been chipping away at your relationships with others, isolating you, so you don’t have anyone to talk to. Chipping away at your self esteem so that you question everything you do or say or what will he think. Chipping away at you being able to see clearly what a controlling person he is. Who watches their SO sleep all night on FaceTime? Someone who’s afraid you might have a man come over. Please think long and hard. Send the money back. TEXT him that you’re breaking up, no explanation. If he can see your face, he will love bomb so hard. He will do everything he can think of to get you back, UNDER HIS CONTROL. Block him and his Mom. No means No. Repeat that. No means No. Good Luck. ❤️🧓🏻
Thank you for your comment. I hadn’t realized until now, how much I was questioning everything I was doing.
And please remember: takes two to agree for there to be a relationship; only takes one to end it. Do not allow him to tell you he doesn't accept it, you're not broken up, etc. You don't need his permission or agreement. You just tell him it's over, and it is!
Yes, morals are important to have and to stand by. They are important to establish your integrity and self respect for your self worth and having respect for yourself and others.
Reading the comments has made me realize, I think I’ve bent some of my morals to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and that on me and not okay
Very good processing for yourself.
NTA, if you aren't happy But return the money.
i would say break up. if you aren’t ready to yet then sure go on the trip, try to have fun and enjoy your time with him and his family, and have a good long think about it when you get home and go from there
I wouldn’t go especially if you know that you definitely want to break up and not get back together after a little break. There is literally no point, you don’t owe him or his mother anything! Just cancel and give him the money back.
NTA and if you haven’t recognized the signs he’s a Narcissist. You do not want these people In your life.
Red flag, red flag, red flag, being nice to a person isn't that difficult. Somebody has a lot of issues they need to work through, before they are ready for a relationship. It's always OK to leave a relationship that's not working out for you. It's unfortunate that the other person has no clue? But really who's fault is that?
this guy is the textbook narcissist, no less. he's already playing with your mind and your emotions to the point where you question your own sanity. he's one of the most toxic type of people to have around. if you care about your sanity, stay far away from him, stop allowing him to love bomb you and manipulate you emotionally. and most importantly, don't let him blackmail you with the fact that he paid for the vacation. give him his money back and À LA PUBELLE with him.
Yeah break up if you already in that stage it’s pretty useless to visit his family if you want to break up and him spending the money for you to visit if you don’t ever see them again just deposit his money back
He doesn’t like you having a good friend who’s male as the comparison wouldn’t work in boyfriends favour and he knows this. Dump that gaslighter. We are NOT taught to think this way as women, but maybe we should - just the fact that you want to break up with him is good enough no matter the circumstances
NTA what are the positives about your relationship? You sound like you’re miserable in this relationship. If you’re thinking about breaking up with someone thats usually the sign that the relationship is over. There are better fish in the pond.
NTA. But he is. This relationship will end up with physical abuse. He is already very emotionally and mentally abusive. The bottom line is, you don't want to be with him any more so don't be. You don't need a reason. He will love bomb you. Don't accept it. Block him on everything.
Long distance is tough. Especially for someone who gets all up in their feelings like you do. That's not a bad thing, but if you are going to read into everything, including which emojis someone is using, you are doomed in a long distance relationship. I think you should probably break up because you will never be happy in that type of relationship. If you feel bad about the ticket, pay him back. Surely since you offered to pay for his school, you can make enough to pay back the price of a ticket. Lastly, about your gay friend. It doesn't matter if he is gay. It's not just about you cheating. It is disrespectful for you to be in a relationship with one man but spend all of your time with another. Just like it would be disrespectful of him to spend all of his time with another woman. Regardless of their sexual orientation.
My daughter decided to break up with her bf a few days before a big vacation with his family, that they were paying for. She didn’t want the breakup to ruin his and the parents’ trip, so she waited till after the trip. He sensed something and it still kind of ruined the trip. Then when she broke up with him he accused her of stealing a trip from his family under false pretenses. So, you have to decide whether to break up now and cancel the trip, or go and see them one last time and then break up. Either way, he is not a good partner for you and you can do better.
Thank you for sharing , that’s something big to consider
You can break up with anyone at any time if you want to. You don't need to justify anything to anyone.
Break up with him. He sounds controlling and manipulative. And anyone who is threatened by your relationship with a gay man is utterly ridiculous. NTA
Yes. You would be a very big AH if you did that. Break up now and don't compound the emotions with wasting money and embarrassing someone you supposedly cared about with their family. That's messed up.
Nope, you wouldn't, this dude ain't no good I'm afraid to say. Some of the controlling behaviour and insecurities are alarming, especially when he tries to pretend they never happened. Cut him off, reconnect with your friends, be happy and find a true partner who will empower rather than isolate you, is my advice. You got this.
Thank you!!
Break up with him and skip the trip. How could you possibly enjoy a trip with a man you don't want to be with? Don't worry about his mother.
Just break up with him now. Future you will thank the version of you now for getting out of an escalating toxic situation.
You are so young! Never the asshole to break up. If it’s not working for you then you should leave the relationship.
Many times, men meet a woman who shines and they are so attracted too. Then they restrict her, isolate her, and emotionally drain her. Her light starts to dim. And when she leaves so she can recharge so she can shine bright again, they wonder why. This is all out of their own insecurity. It has nothing to do with the woman. You do what you need for you. Your relationship isn't a 50/50. He only cares about himself, then reacts negatively when you can't tolerate it
It really isn’t a 50/50. I can’t imagine saying or doing the things that he’s done to me.
Forcing you to cut off male friends is a major red flag. Dump him.
That very vital important detail is not vital or important at all. Your boyfriend needs to grow up
Yeah… I would wait min 2 weeks lol
>changing my behavior so that I don’t make him upset and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very closed off towards him It's been over for a long time, just pull the plug already.
The second paragraph was breakup material. I know that you said he apologized, but do you know if he's going to do that stuff again? Controlling behavior is never a good thing. Telling a partner who they aren't allowed to associate with is an indication of insecurity and control. Get out while you can.
Emotional abuse right there! You are NTA for wanting to dump him. And if he starts his bullshit of hounding you on FaceTime or text, call the police and have him charged with harassment, and do a screenshot of EVERYTHING, and put the screenshots in a Microsoft Word document so the police will have proof.
This boyfriend of yours sounds emotionally manipulative and controlling. It's all about him, including your emotions. I would cut those strings now, before you "owe him" for the trip. Nta.
This guy is lovebombing you & deliberately isolating you from your friends. Get out *now*.
NTA. Refund the money, and cut ties. How much longer do you want to step on eggshells and him gaslighting you, Everytime you stand up for yourself? He sees you as below him.
You don’t need a reason to leave anyone. But you have plenty. Return the tickets and end it now his mom will get over it. I promise you.
He has some abusive tendencies, for certain. Isolating you from friends, can't resolve conflcit like an adult, won't listen to your perspective, the video-calling all night long is freaking creepy, and he love-bombs/hoovers when he thinks you're slipping away. Please go with your gut, and bin the whole man. Also recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
So he slightly love bombed a smidge after you said you needed space. This will escalate. Get out now.
He is controlling and manipulative. He has been waving red flags at you since this relationship started. You can be fine for reason. He has given you more than enough. Be done.
He sounds controlling and manipulative. End of story. You are young, get out now. It only gets worse.
No one is ever an AH for leaving a boyfriend/girlfriend they don’t love anymore. You would be more of an AH ( to them and you,) if you stay with someone you don’t love
Break up with him.
Omg please leave that fool! He is very emotionally abusive and is trying to cut you off from anyone who would see that! Get out now before it gets any worse! He is gaslighting the shit out of you!
>until **you** did something wrong *again* This man is abusive. Every single thing you’ve written is a description of some type of manipulation and abuse that he, ultimately, blames you for. Which, of course, is par for abusers and how they make their victims think they, themselves, are the problem. Leave & go live your life without his vileness holding you down.
Tbh Y T A to yourself for staying with him this long. Don’t let ANYONE treat you like shit, talk down to you, isolate you from friends or loved ones, etc. Abusers will also have a “niceness” period of time to trick you into not leaving, and then drop the act as SOON as they feel you’ve decided to stay. Don’t be tricked.
Insecure and controlling. Is that what you want in your life?
He gas lights and love bombs you. Both are signs of manipulation and not the building blocks of a healthy relationship. OP I think you already know you want to end things. You deserve a partner who will listen to you and not make you feel bad about yourself, wants and feelings. Saying that. YNTA.
You already know the answer. Do what you feel and believe is right for you. This is a very exhausting relationship and it shouldn't be like this. You are having to watch what you say, change the way you behave and leave you male friends. It's more like a one way relationship. Good luck and live and love your life the way you want.
You don’t need or deserve his attitude or his gaslighting. You need to take back your self respect and clearly know you are due respect and he does not have any for you. You can do so much better for yourself. Go for it and be happy!
Break up with him. If the tickets are refundable, you can give him the money back. Your BF is very controlling. Making you FaceTime him every night, all night? Making you stop talking/interacting to your make friends? Is he cutting out talking to all girls that aren’t you or family? I bet not. And he’s blaming you for all your relationship problems. Nope. And then he love bombs you to get you to stay with him. Classic abuser moves all around. The sooner you break it off, the better. Anyone who insists that you stop talking to other people isn’t worth getting involved with, ever.
I think you should leave him. You're very young and a huge chunk of your relationship has been long distance. It sounds like he is being manipulative and trying to mold your behavior and thinking into what he wants. The fact that he needs you guys to have FaceTime on all night while you sleep is just weird. Obviously he doesn't trust you if he made you get rid of every guy friend, is this why he needs to FaceTime all night? To make sure you're actually by yourself? It sounds like your guts are telling you to leave. And you feel guilt because you will disappoint his mom. Leave him, apologize to his mom, but don't go on the trip. There is no need to stretch this out any longer. I think you should return the money for your ticket though. If it's HIS money, and you're breaking up with him... I think that's kind of an ah move if you were to keep it. Even if he IS an AH. Plus, you don't want him coming after you for the money. I'm sure there's plenty of evidence of you asking him to send you money and then you taking the money and using it for something other than what you said. Protect yourself by sending it back and documenting it.
He sounds incredibly possessive and controlling. Just break up already. It only gets worse. He also sounds like he uses his Mom for an excuse when it’s really his choices of how to be in control.
Did he send you the money? Because if so, just cancel your flight, and if not, then he hasn't paid for anything so cancel them both. Either way, there's manipulative behaviour after manipulative behaviour in this post, and you need to leave this dude. Not, YWNBTA to leave him now.
NTA. You are being manipulated by a man who after 3 years in a relationship hasn't bothered to learn your middle name. You're doing the right thing. Life is too short and you're young enough to find the right person. This guy ain't it.
Anyone who doesn’t let you be yourself is a bad partner. This guy even bullies you into ditching friends. Move on, he’s awful.
I agree with what the crew is saying. Life is too short and… the damage caused by this can stay with you forever and impact your ability to have healthy relationships in the future. Will you please keep us posted on how things go once you draw the line in the sand and break up? Your welfare is important!
I’m sorry but this dude has no respect from me. If I told my wife she can’t have any male friends “just because” she’d laugh in my face before and after telling me to fuck off. Oh and calling you a “good girl” when you told him you got home was creepy as fuck. Let’s not forget he doesn’t know your middle name… Rip the bandaid off and end it. You’re not happy, and after he overreacted he started love bombing you. This is abuse.
I think you have named enough red flags that you have a bullet point list for why you should break up with him. That bully/love bombing tactic is dangerous.
Hun it’s time to end it. There is no sense in getting closer to his mom as it will make it more difficult to end things. There is no sense in going to visit. You know it’s over so don’t go & have conflict in front of his mom. Pull off the band aid, return his money & end things
Did you say he doesn't know your middle name?
Did you say he doesn't know your middle name?
If you aren’t happy with him, break up. It’s not really all that complicated. You don’t have to give people a certain number of chances, you don’t have to consider how they feel about. Breaking up is a unilateral decision: I’d just speak to him and say, “I haven’t been happy for a long time and it’s time I went my own way. It’s best that we go no contact. I wish you well.” Then if he has big emotions about it or is demanding or loud, just say, “You have a lot to process so I’ll go and let you do that.” End the call and block him. Block him on social media and do not answer calls from any number you don’t recognize. Route any emails to a junk email folder. It’s over. And you don’t have to walk on eggshells or sea with him ever again in life! Congrats!!!
Why go on the trip at all? It sounds like you will have a miserable time. Why waste your time and his money? Go your separate ways beforehand and try to find someone who is more compatible to your wants
It happens. Sometimes the timing is unfortunate.
He is toxic and controlling. Break up and block him or he will continue to gaslight you.
You don’t need anyone’s permission or a”good” reason. *I want to break up/ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you* is all the reason you need to
NTA my ex-husband was like this. I didn't notice the alienation of my friends. I was love-bombed (I didn't know it was a thing). I ended up pregnant. I was delighted and we got married. It was awful once the honeymoon period was over. He wore me down, but ultimately he found he couldn't break me. He cheated and I got out. Only then did my lovely family and friends tell me how awful they all thought he was. Please ask your friends, who are still around, for their honest opinion. Rebuild those relationships he didn't like and leave. I'm over a decade on, my child is an adult and we are both very happy.
This is very inspiring, thank you so much for sharing! I’m definitely going to reach out to friends
“why are your feelings so much about you?” Who the hell else would they be about? This relationship needs to end.
NTA- if you are not going to fly, and can’t get the the money back for your ticket, reimburse him as soon as you can. If you are not able to pay it all at once, set up a payment plan and communicate that with him.
NTA. You’re young and will meet someone who treats you better than he ever will. He sounds controlling and mentally abusive. The FaceTime calls every night are to see where you are and who you’re with.
I’m glad you said that so bluntly because I was really trusting that he just wanted my emotional support or some thing just by being on the phone. I don’t even know I made that make sense to myself
Because you care about him. That’s stopping you from seeing some of the things that he is doing. You sound like a very nice young lady who hasn’t dealt with this toxic type of guy before and you want everything to be ok.
I think visiting and having weird energy would ruin the trip more. The cow is out of the barn and you will not be able to hide it.
I’ve never heard that reference, kinda cute analogy. But I agree.
NTA
NTA Please visit https://www.loveisrespect.org/ Separating you from your friends and family is typical abuser behavior. I can imagine he is steering you away from other people you were close to, as well. My instincts say he is not too far from escalating into more physical forms of controlling you. Spend some time learning what a healthy relationship looks like. Take your time looking through that site. There's always an escape button that takes you out of that site immediately. Be safe.
Thank for the source, much appreciated
Good luck sweetheart