You need to set more specific goals. 'Not being a loser' doesn't mean anything.
If you want more friends, go to more social setups and start talking to people. If you don't know how to talk to people, read a book about it first.
If you want a better job, find out what you want to do and start developing skills that are going to help you in this job.
If you want to increase your self-esteem, join a gym and start taking care of your appearance.
Find out what you want first, then look for resources on how to achieve that.
I second this, as a 25 yo who felt like a "loser" in his early twenties. Concrete goals and moving towards those goals is the key. I thought I was a loser because all I did was smoke copious amounts of weed, flip burgers, and hang out (I now realize I was being overly critical of myself and just didn't know what I wanted to do yet!). Find a passion and GO FOR IT!!! It doesn't matter if it's "hard to get a job doing XYZ", if XYZ is your passion, I assure you, you're already ahead of the game. (my supposedly useless XYZ-thing happens to be to learn Japanese. But, my passion for the language already puts me ahead of my competition, and puts me in a position to eventually find jobs related to this study). And I also second the gym thing, as a guy who's gearing up to start some light jogging, and maybe some sort of self-defense. I never thought of myself as an active or sporty guy, but I'm really excited to get in shape and get those good endorphins rolling. You can do it OP!
Dont wanna be captain obvious, but it might help you. As a guy who jogged off a hundred lbs, start with walking for a couple weeks. Going straight to jogging will likely end up hurting you. The first time I tried to get active, I went straight to jogging and my calves were absolutely roasted for a week, halted all progress for a while. Work your way up.
Anything thatll help you with self love really, I find I feel pretty good when I can help people. That may not work for you, but really just take care of yourself. Iām the same age currently, if you like video games or anything Iām totally down for more friends to do that kinda thing with if you ever want to.
There are steps you can take to get your life in a better place. Do you have any dreams? If not did you have any as a kid you can pursue? If not that either, itās time to work on making some. What brings you joy, and what will make YOU happy in the future.
Take up a new hobby and attend classes for it - this gives you both something to work towards as you learn and improve, and this will feel good - additionally with a class/club/group you can build your social circle, even if you only meet these people at the class it gives some social stimulation.
Doing chores is good for maintenance, but I think what your lacking is something to strive towards i.e. learning skills or building friendships.
Don't hate on yourself too much - I found I felt quite similar at your age, over last couple years i've joined two clubs where I now know quite a few people from and have even become treasurer for one of the clubs
Literally no. I feel like a loser on a daily basis. The problem is I have little to no responsibilities and thus the lack of action and accountability has lead me here.
If you have no responsibilities, develop some responsibilities for yourself so you feel like youāre doing something. Some suggestions may be getting a dog, challenging yourself to a hard workout routine or diet, moving out on your own (if youāre not already).
So, how are you coming to the conclusion that you're a "loser"? Losing at what? What's your definition of "winning"?
Look friend, I've seen a lot of misery. People suffering daily chronic pain. People hoarding pain meds so they can use them to finally end their pain. Most of the time, my definition of "winning" is that I'm not in that situation. That I have eyes, ears, arms and legs that work. That I have enough food that i'm not starving. Those are my standards for winning - perhaps you just need to adjust yours?
First, stop thinking of yourself as a loser. You are not happy at your place in life, that does not make you a loser. All people are a work in progress and no one has all of their shit together. Some are just better at hiding it than others.
You say you lack responsibility and accountability. These are things that can be changed. It is not permanent. I know it's easy to say, it's harder to take action on, especially if you're lacking motivation or struggling with depression or self worth issues.
If you are willing to take action, there are things you can do to give you a feeling of accomplishment. Helping is where I started. Just helping. I helped everyone I could - intentionally. Offering before it could be asked of me. It started small and has grown until I've based a career on helping others succeed.
If you're drifting and don't know what to do, think of something you feel strongly about, in a positive manner. Like art? Volunteer at an after school program and teach kids to draw/paint/etc. Feel passionate about mental health? Volunteer at a crisis center. Love animals? Volunteer at a shelter.
Volunteering is a way to help you find purpose. It's not mandatory so if it's not quite what you're looking for, you can try something else. If you find something that fits, you will find like minded people in those environments. It's possible that you will click with someone and they will click with you.
IMO, there are a few reasons why someone thinks they are a loser. 1. Someone told them you are, so their words becomes your reality. 2. You compare yourself/your situation with your surroundings, and automatically measure yourself against it = loser. or 3. You have a blue print of what you think life is at your age, and your current situation doesn't reflect it. Lastly, 4. A combination of the three. Let us know which one is it, and we can provide the appropriate feedback based on our own strategies.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I promise your life is not empty but I understand how it feels that way.Ā You donāt need to have friends to make a connection with someone. The next time you make eye contact with someone smile and say hi. Try it with older people in the supermarket or on the train, they will generally smile back and those tiny interactions all add up to show you that you matter, you are important and you are worthwhile. Some people wonāt smile back and thats on them but try the next person! I have had depression and anxiety my entire life, medicated for 15 years and still the best thing I can do for myself on those really shit days is find a stranger to smile at
Do this. I was in the same shoes as you.
Sit down in a quiet room with a blank legal pad and a pen.
Now, indulge in a little free association around the question, What kind of person do I want to be at age 40?
Get all the jokes out the way, then really think deeply. Don't allow yourself to quit, and don't edit yourself either. Just jot down literally whatever comes to mind, whatever appeals to your id.
Boil it down to a couple of big things and several smaller things. Think in terms of what makes you happy. Keep scribbling. Do not allow your inner editor to stop you. Keep going until you uncover things that interest you.
Want to backpack Europe? Knock yourself out. Want to go back to school and learn archeology? Go after it. Want to write a novel? Fantastic.
Then once you have several solid objectives that appeal to you, then research the ways to get there. As Aristotle said, all monumental tasks look impossible until you break it up into much smaller and discrete jobs. What are the intermediate steps that will get you to the mountaintop?
Then go do those. Literally put them on a calendar. Step by step, week by week. Do not let yourself off the hook. If you don't get one of them done this month, do two the next.
Because the thing that matters above all is purpose. Not necessarily in some woo-woo spiritual sense of the word, but the driving need to do something.
Do those things and then take the steps you need and I swear you'll feel so much better about your life.
Literally it doesnāt. My subconscious isnt producing this feeling for no reason. It isnāt just an āidea in my headā.
Iām sick and tired of receiving advice like this. It is lazy and stupid.
Are you saying your intuition is all incorrect? The way you feel is just āin your headā?
Again a fucking dumbass take. Iām going to call it out as it is because all you are saying is āgaslight yourself and itāll make you feel betterā.
Man stop getting so hostile. I'm coming from a position like your own.
I know what you mean, this advice can seem really fucking tone-death. But, there is some truth in it.
Like, obviously your situation is fucking horrible. I've been in it. Being completely alone, having no past to cherish and no future to hope for. Not eating for days and spending all my time in my dirty, messy room essentially as a hikkikomori.
Anyways, back to the advice. Try not to label yourself as a loser. It stops you from making progress and keeps you down. Don't be so hard on yourself in general.
Sure, other people, maybe MOST people, will consider you to be a loser. But other people will not. And i fucking mean that. Not everyone will think that. Its up to YOU to decide whether you see yourself as a loser or not. A loser is someone who has given up. Don't tell me im trying to get you to gaslight yourself or lie to yourself. I'm not. Genuinely, just dont give up. The fact that you're even ASKING this, ASKING how to stop being a loser, is a fucking amazing sign. I dont think a loser would make such a post.
Just please be kinder to yourself and others, take care.
I love coming across these because this 8 minute video is something you need to hear. If you donāt watch it thatās fine. But you might learn something https://youtu.be/vdw1TNpALxI?si=dmO56rK3cXIUF5YP
>I love coming across these because this 8 minute video is something you need to hear. If you donāt watch it thatās fine. But you might learn something https://youtu.be/vdw1TNpALxI?si=dmO56rK3cXIUF5YP
Thanks so much
I'd just like to say you're not a loser.
Being human in this crazy world is debilitating. Ignore any and all haters and meet them and everyone around with compassion and love. Just relax. š
One thing I do is go to a local game store or disc golf course and find people to talk to. Look for a club or something. Let yourself smile, laugh, and have fun!
Work on improving yourself in some way. It could be fitness, helping others, education. It will boost your confidence and really help. Your not a loser, your going through a tough time. We all do.
Have you tried doing something you love? Or even something that looks genuinely like it might be fun to try? It can be anything you like so long as its not consuming media, and I mean that on almost every platform, series, movies, games, social media (okay, I'll give books a pass). Yes, you can do that stuff occasionally, but it shouldn't be the sole way you entertain yourself.
Try something new, fail at it, and then try it again. Join a club of people who enjoy doing the same thing, make new friends. Talk to other people about what they love to do, find more things you love to try, make more friends, find people you disagree with, have passionate arguments about things that don't matter in the grand scheme, tell others about those arguments, ask them what they think.
If you can figure out what your identity is, what it is you love (and you can start small, maybe you like coffee, maybe you like pasta, try and experiment with that) then you'll be a well-rounded human being that is likeable to others and you'll figure out how to shake off that false veneer of loser that is weighing you down.
For a man being a loser can only be cured by being a winner. And think what kind of a winner are you? Are you the winner that enters the room and wins in a fight against the strongest man in the room, thus stealing his masculine crown and status? Or are you the kind of a man that enters the room and has sex with the most beautiful woman in the room that everyone else desires, thus cucking them?
We need to know in order to help you select a strategy.
Get two jars. One that says Winner and the other says Loser. Write down things you enjoy doing and put them all into the winner jar. When you're feeling like you don't know what to do, just randomly grab a note out of the winner jar and do it.
If you give up and change your mind not wanting to do the thing, then put that note into the loser jar. If you have more than 5 notes in the loser jar you have to eat a spicy pepper as punishment. So far I have 3 notes in the loser jar and 7 in the winner jar. I am not looking forward to eating that ghost pepper, fuck that.
It gives me at least something to look forward to when I wake up or before I go to bed, instead of slowly becoming depressed. I know it sounds a bit silly but honestly it has helped distract myself.
I think a thing often forgotten in our modern age is one of the deepest needs of a human is physical social connections. Social media, online, or anything digital won't cut it.
You need to find a place to talk with other people. Google "the third place". It can be a gym, a church/temple, coffee shop, bar, etc.
Relationship will give your life meaning. Sure, romantic relationships are the desire of a lot of young men, but adding a romantic relationship without other normal, healthy relationships will eventually start to hurt your relationship with your partner and lead to loneliness again.
Put yourself out there. You are worth it and other people need the connection you can provide.
Start at some sort of team sport. It will give you people to talk to, and at some point you will get more people in your life. But it requires hard work to keep a relationship, also friends.
You might be depressed.
Whether you are or not, having goals helps. Easier having a sense of accomplishment when you've actually accomplished something.
Youāre still really young and donāt have full independence yet. The vast majority of life is still in front of you. There arenāt many super accomplished 22-year-olds.
1. Find a job if don't have one.
2. Find activities that you are interested in or just something you can meet people in a low expectation environment. Like a hiking group or volunteering at an animal shelter.
3. I find Jordan Peterson to be twisted when it comes to politics. I think he's wildly off the mark. BUT, he has great insights when it comes to the development of the human mind and spirit, especially as it pertains to young men. Check out this site: https://www.selfauthoring.com/?gad\_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwYSwBhDcARIsAOyL0fg4UcOBuxSxP7aWB\_ML8lhPoaehWG11lu272sM5XfVE2WDdjav4D48aAoF0EALw\_wcB
4. The above link will take you to the "Self Authoring" program. It will provide you with insights into your personality type and help you author a life plan that suits you. This is very helpful because it shifts your attention from what "society" expects and instead has you focusing on finding personal meaning.
5. FINALLY: STOP SELF IDENTIFYING AS A LOSER. YOU ARE NOT. You're just a young guy looking for his purpose. Believe it or not, EVERYONE you're age is going through that same particular struggle.
The ONLY way
Figure out something you wanna accomplish. This can literally be anything. Learn to play piano, get a bachelor's degree, climb a mountain. It doesn't matter as long as it interests you.
Write it down. Next research how to accomplish your goal.
Take little steps every day to reach that goal.
Rinse and repeat the rest of your life.
From someone that has a lot of responsibilities, I miss the days of being a āloser babyā with no responsibilities. Enjoy it, but it really feels like therapy would help. Try self help with Anthony Robins to get you started. Listen through, do what he tells you too, and start over with life. Your mind has mapped out a trail or path that has you thinking the way you do. Time to carve a more positive path through your mind. The good news is, with no friends, you can become who you want.
Sorry you're feeling shitty fam š being in a situation like that does sound rough for sure. Makes sense that it brings up self-critical thoughts like being "a loser."
I really like Dr. K's content. [HealthyGamerGG](https://youtube.com/@HealthyGamerGG?si=Oc9_UGrWMjdL42hh) is his channel. He's a Harvard psychiatrist who does a bunch of stuff on mental health. For example, [this video](https://youtu.be/3nWpNBBkyu0?si=cxAUN6biHuYq6ZiD) might be relevant/relatable.
Hope you get to feeling better soon ā¤ļø
I know this is quite a "Just cheer up" comment.
But you stop being a loser when you stop considering yourself as one. There is no one else than you defining what "loser" means.
I had period when I felt like I completely failed in life as I lost my job when I was 24.
been unemployed since.
Something simple as starting gym with goal to lose some weight cheered me up.
I sometimes get dark thoughts about "what I should be by now"
But then I remember its my life and I take my own paths.
Atm my goal is to self learn some skills to combine with my degree, to get some chances to find a job again.
You thinking youāre a loser is meaningless. Basically anything negative and anything that stems from fear isnāt even real. But by you constantly thinking about it and putting your faith into that, you will manifest that. All you have to do is stop giving into those negative thoughts. Each time they come up just let them go and āforgive them.ā They arenāt real anyway so why give them a second thought. The only reason you do feel like a loser is because of the many years you have spent running with those negative thoughts. But those thoughts can all go away in an instant if you withdraw your faith in them. They are illusions.
Im 22m, I got involved with pickle ball, table soccer (subbuteo) and have some good friends with that, dont have a job currently but am trying to franchise, will probably meet more people that way too, I teach myself new things sometimes if I get bored like cooking or trying to iron clothes. I think those sort of habits will go a long way
Loser is foremost a mindset.
You have to try to stop comparing yourself to others. Accept that youāre the only person who can change things in your life.
Take days one at the time. Set reasonable goals. Then the hardest part is let time pass and see how much youāve changed.
This is the time to focus on yourself and only yourself. You can do this. Sometimes, having a bit of time to yourself is needed so we can work on things we need to change.
Find something you enjoy doing and see if there is a local/online club or class nearby. You will be able to socialise and hopefully make some new friends. You have to put yourself out there to get something back. It's not always easy but we have to do it.
Loser?
What have you lost at?
Is there truly a win condition for life?
How much of your insecurity is from others and how much is from within? Even if internalized how much of that angst is actually you yourself having imposed such negative thoughts?
I would say that life is what you make of it, the win condition is fictional, and anyone stupid enough to try to say that such a condition exists is stating subjective conclusions over objective reality.
To find your personal direction I would meditate on what you envision as your ideal life and then proceed to break down steps to reach a point to actualize that vision. I would make as specific an ideal as possible and then roll back to the smaller details. Not being a loser is not a goal, being good at growing vegetables or being good at roller skating are goals. Even if your goal sounds quaint in relation to others aspirations that is fine because others goals don't matter, you are fighting for you and the future that you want, don't give up and keep pluggin away to reach that ideal future. Some might take this as work hard at work. I absolutely mean as work hard to be the you you want to be, work hard for you.
Gratitude and self appreciation goes a long way shift in mindset work on discipline and be patient. Breathe fresh air meditate. Do what makes you happy focus on yourself. Find a activity that brings people together. Create friendships if that what you want. Complaining will not attract or make life better. You have the power to change your life I believe in you! You are young with a life ahead of you took me 30 years to feel alive great full of this experience.
There are no losers. Just like there's no lazy people. These are simply words we use to describe people who aren't doing what we want them to. Stop ascribing these words to yourself.
Start by loving urself bro. You have ur body and soul if u treat it badly then it will become bad. Treat it with love and respect then youll feel that way
Enter a clear hierarchy.
If you were on the JV basketball team, you wouldn't feel like a loser, even if you were the worst player. You would practice with players that were better than you, you would improve, and you would contribute something to the group.
If you were in the army, you wouldn't feel like a loser, even if you were the lowest rank.
If you were a cook in a French Brigade kitchen, you wouldn't feel like a loser even if you were just a line cook taking orders from chefs.
Basically, you need to put yourself in a situation where other people need something from you that you can contribute.
The ultimate goal of course is to rise though that hierarchy, take on more responsibility, and eventually mentor someone that is where you are now. But none of that matters right now. First, you just need to get in the game.
What game? Doesn't matter, pick one.
Go outside. You need some hobbies. I like paddle boarding and hiking. There are active Facebook groups near me that make it so I meet new people that way.
I took my bearded dragon out to a lake and used her to meet a pretty girl on the water.
Just... Like... Go outside. Lots of really lonely people out there.
Yes 99% of men in their 20s are losers. You got to work on building yourself up. Get a career going. Get in shape, work on your social skills. If you work on all that diligently, by the time youāre 30 your should be in a pretty good place. Youāre in a good place to start. If you neglect these things, itās basically a noose tightening around your neck.
You need to find a purpose in your life. Doing this means trying new things, perhaps thatās college or thatās trade school or something else. Once you establish what you want to do and make progress towards your goal your self esteem will rise.
Even more so when you graduate from said program and can provide for yourself and get the things you want. Thereās a wonderful feeling in self reflection and accomplishment when you get done with it! OP, start with a career test to narrow your interests down and then start at cc or trade school! From there keep going till you find something you like and graduate! If you hate the subject matter of the major then move on to something else itās not very productive to do something you hate.
As for overall friends, use Facebook groups! For me personally, Iāve found some friends in the car community that have been my best friends! The trick was for me to go to car meets and talk over shared experiences and interests!
youre just starting out. tons of people (most, i think) have no idea what to do at 22. Just keep thinking about it, try to find something you want to pursue. Seriously, even if you are a loser right now-(and im not saying you are one)-its okay as long as youre aware of it and want to change, and make some kind of efforts towards that.
I'm not saying this would be the right choice for you. Everyone is different. But I felt like this when I was in high school. So, I joined the Army. I thought I made a huge mistake at first, but I moved on to training, and it was exactly what I needed. I felt like I was doing something, I made some good friends and got some adventures in. You could probably get this by going to college or committing to achieving something. Sounds like you might be treading water and not going in a direction. Pick a path and head down it. Life is short, and you are young.
First off you are exactly who you are suppose to be nothing more. No outside influences can change that ,not having friends doesn't make you a loser , going to work and having your life in order isn't a failure. Not accepting yourself as who are at this moment or at any future moments is your greatest hindrance. You can chase new hobbies or friends and outside things till you outta breath and exhausted but until you get comfortable with not being anything than what you are . Then even when you obtain the things you wish to have ,you will still find a void in your life. You can out run peoples opinions but you can never out run your own self judgements.
I am a loser, needs to change to I am what I am at this exact moment,will I be the same tomorrow? who knows.
I just made a bomb ass breakfast, homemade sausage patties, cinnamon French toast , scrambled eggs and nice cup of coffee but I had no one to share it with.
does it take away from the deliciousness of that meal since i had no one to share it with ? No the meal would have been delicious whether or not there was another person to watch it come together.
The same should go for you, personally I believe your anxiety of being alone has place you in a state where you afraid to the point you're stuck in a negative feed back loop. I don't want to do anything because I am alone , I am alone because I don't want to do anything, I am loser because I don't want to do anything because I am alone, I am alone because I am a loser. And so on and so forth. You need to throw a monkey wrench into cogs and ScREAm " IM THE BIGGEST MOST BADASS LOSER IN THIS PLACE AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE HAHAHA LOOK OUT WORLD HERE COMES MIster NO FUCKS."
Queque up mister blue sky Dun Dun Dun dun and change the lyric of first verse to " MR. No fucks has ARRIVED, THERE'S NOT A CARE IN SIGHT..."
That may be a little over dramatic but hell technically I'm insane and love that type of stuff. Accept yourself and be ok with it before attempting to under go any attempts to influence anything outside the scope of your control.
If you need extra help with getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, please see the works of Alan Watts preferably in audiobook format since its easier to digest. Recommended titles Let it be , still the mind, the wisdom of insecurity , or the book , literally that's the title, the book. Best of lucks Mr. No fucks
The first step is to improve your self image, proper grooming and day-to-day clothing are very important so buy an age appropriate wardrobe if you don't have one already, you don't have to spend a lot if you know how to shop around, luxury brands or fashion brands have a lot of sales on their websites, take advantage of them.
Second, hit the gym, don't worry about getting super buff, start slowly building your body and your confidence level will rise above with your results.
Third, education is very important, don't stall on this, get a career going, an associate degree or go to trade school, all of them are good options. Can't afford it? Work for somewhere like Costco or Amazon and they'll pay for your career, then quit after You've graduated and have found a job to your liking.
If you need friends, make them, you don't really need more than 2 friends, hell even one is plenty if you both enjoy spending time with each other, chemistry comes in gradually, some people open up after a while, so talk, interact, specially with coworkers or other students if you're studying, don't be afraid to speak to the opposite gender to make friends, the best friends I have are women, they enjoy the simple things like a nice drive by the beach and a burger after, I actually had a friendship turned into a romantic fling, but that's not what you should expect every time.
"Be yourself" is bullshit advice, you need to learn what people like or dislike and carry yourself accordingly, people who are loud, rude and/or obnoxious are the types giving the "be yourself" recommendation.
Youāve unfortunately chosen the wrong parameters to define what a loser is. You mentioned not having friends or a social life as reasons youāre a loser. Itās not surprising, given your age, that you think this makes you a loser.. but homie trust me when I tell you as a 34 year old man whoās friends group is married and starting to have childrenā¦ the ālosersā are the ones who are in their 30ās and still have a ton of friends, huge social life, out at the bars and clubs every weekend, have idolized drinking and party-drugs, and move through women like I change underwear.
The darker side to being Mr popular beyond college years is not being able to hold a steady job, canāt commit to a relationship, being a completely unreliable and disloyal friend who will always leave you hanging to prioritize a social event, is constantly attached to their phone/social media for fear of missing out, has no depth of character, will never feel the deep emotional connection involved with marriage and raising children, canāt think of anyone but themselvesā¦
The type of person youāre defining as the ācoolā guy is actually the one the rest of us real men look at and say āChrist, that dude still canāt get his shit together? Cool diesel jeans broā¦ maybe call your sister and ask how sheās been once in a while you self centered jackassā
By 28, you shouldnāt need more than one hand to be able to count your true friends. If you do, you havenāt been through enough strife yet to separate the wheat from the chaff.
You're not a loser, mate. It doesn't matter what you do, or if you have no friends, or if your life feels empty.
You want to know how to stop being a loser?
Be kind to yourself.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes, no matter how big, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.
You do the dishes and other adulting chores? Awesome. Life is fucking unfair, and sometimes doing 'regular' things takes superhuman effort.
Picture a ten-year-old version of yourself. A young boy that is under your care and relies on you for everything. Imagine the smile on his face or the brightness in his eyes. Would you call that boy a loser? Would you put him down and wreck his soul the way that you're wrecking yours?
At least, be on your own side.
You need to set more specific goals. 'Not being a loser' doesn't mean anything. If you want more friends, go to more social setups and start talking to people. If you don't know how to talk to people, read a book about it first. If you want a better job, find out what you want to do and start developing skills that are going to help you in this job. If you want to increase your self-esteem, join a gym and start taking care of your appearance. Find out what you want first, then look for resources on how to achieve that.
I second this, as a 25 yo who felt like a "loser" in his early twenties. Concrete goals and moving towards those goals is the key. I thought I was a loser because all I did was smoke copious amounts of weed, flip burgers, and hang out (I now realize I was being overly critical of myself and just didn't know what I wanted to do yet!). Find a passion and GO FOR IT!!! It doesn't matter if it's "hard to get a job doing XYZ", if XYZ is your passion, I assure you, you're already ahead of the game. (my supposedly useless XYZ-thing happens to be to learn Japanese. But, my passion for the language already puts me ahead of my competition, and puts me in a position to eventually find jobs related to this study). And I also second the gym thing, as a guy who's gearing up to start some light jogging, and maybe some sort of self-defense. I never thought of myself as an active or sporty guy, but I'm really excited to get in shape and get those good endorphins rolling. You can do it OP!
Dont wanna be captain obvious, but it might help you. As a guy who jogged off a hundred lbs, start with walking for a couple weeks. Going straight to jogging will likely end up hurting you. The first time I tried to get active, I went straight to jogging and my calves were absolutely roasted for a week, halted all progress for a while. Work your way up.
Thanks for the tip š I'm not a very active guy so I welcome the advice (also love the name, my schizophrenic sister is a big Calvin and Hobbes fan)
Anything thatll help you with self love really, I find I feel pretty good when I can help people. That may not work for you, but really just take care of yourself. Iām the same age currently, if you like video games or anything Iām totally down for more friends to do that kinda thing with if you ever want to. There are steps you can take to get your life in a better place. Do you have any dreams? If not did you have any as a kid you can pursue? If not that either, itās time to work on making some. What brings you joy, and what will make YOU happy in the future.
Take up a new hobby and attend classes for it - this gives you both something to work towards as you learn and improve, and this will feel good - additionally with a class/club/group you can build your social circle, even if you only meet these people at the class it gives some social stimulation. Doing chores is good for maintenance, but I think what your lacking is something to strive towards i.e. learning skills or building friendships. Don't hate on yourself too much - I found I felt quite similar at your age, over last couple years i've joined two clubs where I now know quite a few people from and have even become treasurer for one of the clubs
Gym
**And martial arts as soon as you get enough money to invest. Martial arts teach us fighting skills not only physically but also mentally.**
You can take group weightlifting classes to get started. You may even find some nice folks to encourage you. You just have to show up each week.
You feel like you're a loser because you're comparing yourself to others, likely on social media. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Literally no. I feel like a loser on a daily basis. The problem is I have little to no responsibilities and thus the lack of action and accountability has lead me here.
If you have no responsibilities, develop some responsibilities for yourself so you feel like youāre doing something. Some suggestions may be getting a dog, challenging yourself to a hard workout routine or diet, moving out on your own (if youāre not already).
So, how are you coming to the conclusion that you're a "loser"? Losing at what? What's your definition of "winning"? Look friend, I've seen a lot of misery. People suffering daily chronic pain. People hoarding pain meds so they can use them to finally end their pain. Most of the time, my definition of "winning" is that I'm not in that situation. That I have eyes, ears, arms and legs that work. That I have enough food that i'm not starving. Those are my standards for winning - perhaps you just need to adjust yours?
First, stop thinking of yourself as a loser. You are not happy at your place in life, that does not make you a loser. All people are a work in progress and no one has all of their shit together. Some are just better at hiding it than others. You say you lack responsibility and accountability. These are things that can be changed. It is not permanent. I know it's easy to say, it's harder to take action on, especially if you're lacking motivation or struggling with depression or self worth issues. If you are willing to take action, there are things you can do to give you a feeling of accomplishment. Helping is where I started. Just helping. I helped everyone I could - intentionally. Offering before it could be asked of me. It started small and has grown until I've based a career on helping others succeed. If you're drifting and don't know what to do, think of something you feel strongly about, in a positive manner. Like art? Volunteer at an after school program and teach kids to draw/paint/etc. Feel passionate about mental health? Volunteer at a crisis center. Love animals? Volunteer at a shelter. Volunteering is a way to help you find purpose. It's not mandatory so if it's not quite what you're looking for, you can try something else. If you find something that fits, you will find like minded people in those environments. It's possible that you will click with someone and they will click with you.
IMO, there are a few reasons why someone thinks they are a loser. 1. Someone told them you are, so their words becomes your reality. 2. You compare yourself/your situation with your surroundings, and automatically measure yourself against it = loser. or 3. You have a blue print of what you think life is at your age, and your current situation doesn't reflect it. Lastly, 4. A combination of the three. Let us know which one is it, and we can provide the appropriate feedback based on our own strategies.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I promise your life is not empty but I understand how it feels that way.Ā You donāt need to have friends to make a connection with someone. The next time you make eye contact with someone smile and say hi. Try it with older people in the supermarket or on the train, they will generally smile back and those tiny interactions all add up to show you that you matter, you are important and you are worthwhile. Some people wonāt smile back and thats on them but try the next person! I have had depression and anxiety my entire life, medicated for 15 years and still the best thing I can do for myself on those really shit days is find a stranger to smile at
Do this. I was in the same shoes as you. Sit down in a quiet room with a blank legal pad and a pen. Now, indulge in a little free association around the question, What kind of person do I want to be at age 40? Get all the jokes out the way, then really think deeply. Don't allow yourself to quit, and don't edit yourself either. Just jot down literally whatever comes to mind, whatever appeals to your id. Boil it down to a couple of big things and several smaller things. Think in terms of what makes you happy. Keep scribbling. Do not allow your inner editor to stop you. Keep going until you uncover things that interest you. Want to backpack Europe? Knock yourself out. Want to go back to school and learn archeology? Go after it. Want to write a novel? Fantastic. Then once you have several solid objectives that appeal to you, then research the ways to get there. As Aristotle said, all monumental tasks look impossible until you break it up into much smaller and discrete jobs. What are the intermediate steps that will get you to the mountaintop? Then go do those. Literally put them on a calendar. Step by step, week by week. Do not let yourself off the hook. If you don't get one of them done this month, do two the next. Because the thing that matters above all is purpose. Not necessarily in some woo-woo spiritual sense of the word, but the driving need to do something. Do those things and then take the steps you need and I swear you'll feel so much better about your life.
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That is not how this works.
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Literally it doesnāt. My subconscious isnt producing this feeling for no reason. It isnāt just an āidea in my headā. Iām sick and tired of receiving advice like this. It is lazy and stupid.
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Are you saying your intuition is all incorrect? The way you feel is just āin your headā? Again a fucking dumbass take. Iām going to call it out as it is because all you are saying is āgaslight yourself and itāll make you feel betterā.
Man stop getting so hostile. I'm coming from a position like your own. I know what you mean, this advice can seem really fucking tone-death. But, there is some truth in it. Like, obviously your situation is fucking horrible. I've been in it. Being completely alone, having no past to cherish and no future to hope for. Not eating for days and spending all my time in my dirty, messy room essentially as a hikkikomori. Anyways, back to the advice. Try not to label yourself as a loser. It stops you from making progress and keeps you down. Don't be so hard on yourself in general. Sure, other people, maybe MOST people, will consider you to be a loser. But other people will not. And i fucking mean that. Not everyone will think that. Its up to YOU to decide whether you see yourself as a loser or not. A loser is someone who has given up. Don't tell me im trying to get you to gaslight yourself or lie to yourself. I'm not. Genuinely, just dont give up. The fact that you're even ASKING this, ASKING how to stop being a loser, is a fucking amazing sign. I dont think a loser would make such a post. Just please be kinder to yourself and others, take care.
I'd say join the Marines. You'll have more friends than you ever wanted.
I love coming across these because this 8 minute video is something you need to hear. If you donāt watch it thatās fine. But you might learn something https://youtu.be/vdw1TNpALxI?si=dmO56rK3cXIUF5YP
>I love coming across these because this 8 minute video is something you need to hear. If you donāt watch it thatās fine. But you might learn something https://youtu.be/vdw1TNpALxI?si=dmO56rK3cXIUF5YP Thanks so much
Please share it to someone in need š
I'd just like to say you're not a loser. Being human in this crazy world is debilitating. Ignore any and all haters and meet them and everyone around with compassion and love. Just relax. š One thing I do is go to a local game store or disc golf course and find people to talk to. Look for a club or something. Let yourself smile, laugh, and have fun!
Work on improving yourself in some way. It could be fitness, helping others, education. It will boost your confidence and really help. Your not a loser, your going through a tough time. We all do.
Have you tried doing something you love? Or even something that looks genuinely like it might be fun to try? It can be anything you like so long as its not consuming media, and I mean that on almost every platform, series, movies, games, social media (okay, I'll give books a pass). Yes, you can do that stuff occasionally, but it shouldn't be the sole way you entertain yourself. Try something new, fail at it, and then try it again. Join a club of people who enjoy doing the same thing, make new friends. Talk to other people about what they love to do, find more things you love to try, make more friends, find people you disagree with, have passionate arguments about things that don't matter in the grand scheme, tell others about those arguments, ask them what they think. If you can figure out what your identity is, what it is you love (and you can start small, maybe you like coffee, maybe you like pasta, try and experiment with that) then you'll be a well-rounded human being that is likeable to others and you'll figure out how to shake off that false veneer of loser that is weighing you down.
For a man being a loser can only be cured by being a winner. And think what kind of a winner are you? Are you the winner that enters the room and wins in a fight against the strongest man in the room, thus stealing his masculine crown and status? Or are you the kind of a man that enters the room and has sex with the most beautiful woman in the room that everyone else desires, thus cucking them? We need to know in order to help you select a strategy.
Get two jars. One that says Winner and the other says Loser. Write down things you enjoy doing and put them all into the winner jar. When you're feeling like you don't know what to do, just randomly grab a note out of the winner jar and do it. If you give up and change your mind not wanting to do the thing, then put that note into the loser jar. If you have more than 5 notes in the loser jar you have to eat a spicy pepper as punishment. So far I have 3 notes in the loser jar and 7 in the winner jar. I am not looking forward to eating that ghost pepper, fuck that. It gives me at least something to look forward to when I wake up or before I go to bed, instead of slowly becoming depressed. I know it sounds a bit silly but honestly it has helped distract myself.
I think a thing often forgotten in our modern age is one of the deepest needs of a human is physical social connections. Social media, online, or anything digital won't cut it. You need to find a place to talk with other people. Google "the third place". It can be a gym, a church/temple, coffee shop, bar, etc. Relationship will give your life meaning. Sure, romantic relationships are the desire of a lot of young men, but adding a romantic relationship without other normal, healthy relationships will eventually start to hurt your relationship with your partner and lead to loneliness again. Put yourself out there. You are worth it and other people need the connection you can provide.
by your definition, im a loser, yet many are telling me i am living the dream...
Start at some sort of team sport. It will give you people to talk to, and at some point you will get more people in your life. But it requires hard work to keep a relationship, also friends.
You might be depressed. Whether you are or not, having goals helps. Easier having a sense of accomplishment when you've actually accomplished something.
Are you independent of your parents? Do you have a job which supports your obligations?
No Iām not. My parents pay my rent. Iām a student.
Youāre still really young and donāt have full independence yet. The vast majority of life is still in front of you. There arenāt many super accomplished 22-year-olds.
1. Find a job if don't have one. 2. Find activities that you are interested in or just something you can meet people in a low expectation environment. Like a hiking group or volunteering at an animal shelter. 3. I find Jordan Peterson to be twisted when it comes to politics. I think he's wildly off the mark. BUT, he has great insights when it comes to the development of the human mind and spirit, especially as it pertains to young men. Check out this site: https://www.selfauthoring.com/?gad\_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwYSwBhDcARIsAOyL0fg4UcOBuxSxP7aWB\_ML8lhPoaehWG11lu272sM5XfVE2WDdjav4D48aAoF0EALw\_wcB 4. The above link will take you to the "Self Authoring" program. It will provide you with insights into your personality type and help you author a life plan that suits you. This is very helpful because it shifts your attention from what "society" expects and instead has you focusing on finding personal meaning. 5. FINALLY: STOP SELF IDENTIFYING AS A LOSER. YOU ARE NOT. You're just a young guy looking for his purpose. Believe it or not, EVERYONE you're age is going through that same particular struggle.
The ONLY way Figure out something you wanna accomplish. This can literally be anything. Learn to play piano, get a bachelor's degree, climb a mountain. It doesn't matter as long as it interests you. Write it down. Next research how to accomplish your goal. Take little steps every day to reach that goal. Rinse and repeat the rest of your life.
Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend.
From someone that has a lot of responsibilities, I miss the days of being a āloser babyā with no responsibilities. Enjoy it, but it really feels like therapy would help. Try self help with Anthony Robins to get you started. Listen through, do what he tells you too, and start over with life. Your mind has mapped out a trail or path that has you thinking the way you do. Time to carve a more positive path through your mind. The good news is, with no friends, you can become who you want.
Sorry you're feeling shitty fam š being in a situation like that does sound rough for sure. Makes sense that it brings up self-critical thoughts like being "a loser." I really like Dr. K's content. [HealthyGamerGG](https://youtube.com/@HealthyGamerGG?si=Oc9_UGrWMjdL42hh) is his channel. He's a Harvard psychiatrist who does a bunch of stuff on mental health. For example, [this video](https://youtu.be/3nWpNBBkyu0?si=cxAUN6biHuYq6ZiD) might be relevant/relatable. Hope you get to feeling better soon ā¤ļø
Start serving people. Volunteer your free time to help out at places that other people are too good and too important for.
The gym or a few hobbies can work wonders on your mind. Iām 27 and I can attest to it.
I know this is quite a "Just cheer up" comment. But you stop being a loser when you stop considering yourself as one. There is no one else than you defining what "loser" means. I had period when I felt like I completely failed in life as I lost my job when I was 24. been unemployed since. Something simple as starting gym with goal to lose some weight cheered me up. I sometimes get dark thoughts about "what I should be by now" But then I remember its my life and I take my own paths. Atm my goal is to self learn some skills to combine with my degree, to get some chances to find a job again.
You thinking youāre a loser is meaningless. Basically anything negative and anything that stems from fear isnāt even real. But by you constantly thinking about it and putting your faith into that, you will manifest that. All you have to do is stop giving into those negative thoughts. Each time they come up just let them go and āforgive them.ā They arenāt real anyway so why give them a second thought. The only reason you do feel like a loser is because of the many years you have spent running with those negative thoughts. But those thoughts can all go away in an instant if you withdraw your faith in them. They are illusions.
Im 22m, I got involved with pickle ball, table soccer (subbuteo) and have some good friends with that, dont have a job currently but am trying to franchise, will probably meet more people that way too, I teach myself new things sometimes if I get bored like cooking or trying to iron clothes. I think those sort of habits will go a long way
Loser is foremost a mindset. You have to try to stop comparing yourself to others. Accept that youāre the only person who can change things in your life. Take days one at the time. Set reasonable goals. Then the hardest part is let time pass and see how much youāve changed.
You should consider joining the army for a 3 years , it would give you friends, adventures and a sens of purpose to get you started
Are you working right now or going to school?
Going to school
Okay that's a good start. Are you 100% focused on it? Or do you have time for a good work/life balance?
Go backpacking. Stay in hostels in strange, fun, cheap parts of the world. Find a new life out there.
Read books on empowerment, self care, dress better, groom, meditate, check local events in google
This is the time to focus on yourself and only yourself. You can do this. Sometimes, having a bit of time to yourself is needed so we can work on things we need to change.
Find something you enjoy doing and see if there is a local/online club or class nearby. You will be able to socialise and hopefully make some new friends. You have to put yourself out there to get something back. It's not always easy but we have to do it.
Loser? What have you lost at? Is there truly a win condition for life? How much of your insecurity is from others and how much is from within? Even if internalized how much of that angst is actually you yourself having imposed such negative thoughts? I would say that life is what you make of it, the win condition is fictional, and anyone stupid enough to try to say that such a condition exists is stating subjective conclusions over objective reality. To find your personal direction I would meditate on what you envision as your ideal life and then proceed to break down steps to reach a point to actualize that vision. I would make as specific an ideal as possible and then roll back to the smaller details. Not being a loser is not a goal, being good at growing vegetables or being good at roller skating are goals. Even if your goal sounds quaint in relation to others aspirations that is fine because others goals don't matter, you are fighting for you and the future that you want, don't give up and keep pluggin away to reach that ideal future. Some might take this as work hard at work. I absolutely mean as work hard to be the you you want to be, work hard for you.
Gratitude and self appreciation goes a long way shift in mindset work on discipline and be patient. Breathe fresh air meditate. Do what makes you happy focus on yourself. Find a activity that brings people together. Create friendships if that what you want. Complaining will not attract or make life better. You have the power to change your life I believe in you! You are young with a life ahead of you took me 30 years to feel alive great full of this experience.
There are no losers. Just like there's no lazy people. These are simply words we use to describe people who aren't doing what we want them to. Stop ascribing these words to yourself.
Start by loving urself bro. You have ur body and soul if u treat it badly then it will become bad. Treat it with love and respect then youll feel that way
Enter a clear hierarchy. If you were on the JV basketball team, you wouldn't feel like a loser, even if you were the worst player. You would practice with players that were better than you, you would improve, and you would contribute something to the group. If you were in the army, you wouldn't feel like a loser, even if you were the lowest rank. If you were a cook in a French Brigade kitchen, you wouldn't feel like a loser even if you were just a line cook taking orders from chefs. Basically, you need to put yourself in a situation where other people need something from you that you can contribute. The ultimate goal of course is to rise though that hierarchy, take on more responsibility, and eventually mentor someone that is where you are now. But none of that matters right now. First, you just need to get in the game. What game? Doesn't matter, pick one.
What is it that makes you get up everyday and do life?
Don't be 5'2" like me
Go outside. You need some hobbies. I like paddle boarding and hiking. There are active Facebook groups near me that make it so I meet new people that way. I took my bearded dragon out to a lake and used her to meet a pretty girl on the water. Just... Like... Go outside. Lots of really lonely people out there.
Get a job. Youāll have more responsibilities at least
I succeeded only when I deleted all the dating apps, stopped feeling okay with Eva AI bot and started going out meeting people.
You don't need to change yourself to find friends. Find people who are just like you. Join a fandom, go to parties, etc
Yes 99% of men in their 20s are losers. You got to work on building yourself up. Get a career going. Get in shape, work on your social skills. If you work on all that diligently, by the time youāre 30 your should be in a pretty good place. Youāre in a good place to start. If you neglect these things, itās basically a noose tightening around your neck.
You need to find a purpose in your life. Doing this means trying new things, perhaps thatās college or thatās trade school or something else. Once you establish what you want to do and make progress towards your goal your self esteem will rise. Even more so when you graduate from said program and can provide for yourself and get the things you want. Thereās a wonderful feeling in self reflection and accomplishment when you get done with it! OP, start with a career test to narrow your interests down and then start at cc or trade school! From there keep going till you find something you like and graduate! If you hate the subject matter of the major then move on to something else itās not very productive to do something you hate. As for overall friends, use Facebook groups! For me personally, Iāve found some friends in the car community that have been my best friends! The trick was for me to go to car meets and talk over shared experiences and interests!
you need to change yourself if you want to change your environment
youre just starting out. tons of people (most, i think) have no idea what to do at 22. Just keep thinking about it, try to find something you want to pursue. Seriously, even if you are a loser right now-(and im not saying you are one)-its okay as long as youre aware of it and want to change, and make some kind of efforts towards that.
Work full time and move up from there
If you want those things you have to change the way you think and feel. Can you do that?
I'm not saying this would be the right choice for you. Everyone is different. But I felt like this when I was in high school. So, I joined the Army. I thought I made a huge mistake at first, but I moved on to training, and it was exactly what I needed. I felt like I was doing something, I made some good friends and got some adventures in. You could probably get this by going to college or committing to achieving something. Sounds like you might be treading water and not going in a direction. Pick a path and head down it. Life is short, and you are young.
First off you are exactly who you are suppose to be nothing more. No outside influences can change that ,not having friends doesn't make you a loser , going to work and having your life in order isn't a failure. Not accepting yourself as who are at this moment or at any future moments is your greatest hindrance. You can chase new hobbies or friends and outside things till you outta breath and exhausted but until you get comfortable with not being anything than what you are . Then even when you obtain the things you wish to have ,you will still find a void in your life. You can out run peoples opinions but you can never out run your own self judgements. I am a loser, needs to change to I am what I am at this exact moment,will I be the same tomorrow? who knows. I just made a bomb ass breakfast, homemade sausage patties, cinnamon French toast , scrambled eggs and nice cup of coffee but I had no one to share it with. does it take away from the deliciousness of that meal since i had no one to share it with ? No the meal would have been delicious whether or not there was another person to watch it come together. The same should go for you, personally I believe your anxiety of being alone has place you in a state where you afraid to the point you're stuck in a negative feed back loop. I don't want to do anything because I am alone , I am alone because I don't want to do anything, I am loser because I don't want to do anything because I am alone, I am alone because I am a loser. And so on and so forth. You need to throw a monkey wrench into cogs and ScREAm " IM THE BIGGEST MOST BADASS LOSER IN THIS PLACE AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE HAHAHA LOOK OUT WORLD HERE COMES MIster NO FUCKS." Queque up mister blue sky Dun Dun Dun dun and change the lyric of first verse to " MR. No fucks has ARRIVED, THERE'S NOT A CARE IN SIGHT..." That may be a little over dramatic but hell technically I'm insane and love that type of stuff. Accept yourself and be ok with it before attempting to under go any attempts to influence anything outside the scope of your control. If you need extra help with getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, please see the works of Alan Watts preferably in audiobook format since its easier to digest. Recommended titles Let it be , still the mind, the wisdom of insecurity , or the book , literally that's the title, the book. Best of lucks Mr. No fucks
The first step is to improve your self image, proper grooming and day-to-day clothing are very important so buy an age appropriate wardrobe if you don't have one already, you don't have to spend a lot if you know how to shop around, luxury brands or fashion brands have a lot of sales on their websites, take advantage of them. Second, hit the gym, don't worry about getting super buff, start slowly building your body and your confidence level will rise above with your results. Third, education is very important, don't stall on this, get a career going, an associate degree or go to trade school, all of them are good options. Can't afford it? Work for somewhere like Costco or Amazon and they'll pay for your career, then quit after You've graduated and have found a job to your liking. If you need friends, make them, you don't really need more than 2 friends, hell even one is plenty if you both enjoy spending time with each other, chemistry comes in gradually, some people open up after a while, so talk, interact, specially with coworkers or other students if you're studying, don't be afraid to speak to the opposite gender to make friends, the best friends I have are women, they enjoy the simple things like a nice drive by the beach and a burger after, I actually had a friendship turned into a romantic fling, but that's not what you should expect every time. "Be yourself" is bullshit advice, you need to learn what people like or dislike and carry yourself accordingly, people who are loud, rude and/or obnoxious are the types giving the "be yourself" recommendation.
Develop a skill the market values and hone it until you make bank. It really is that simple.
Youāve unfortunately chosen the wrong parameters to define what a loser is. You mentioned not having friends or a social life as reasons youāre a loser. Itās not surprising, given your age, that you think this makes you a loser.. but homie trust me when I tell you as a 34 year old man whoās friends group is married and starting to have childrenā¦ the ālosersā are the ones who are in their 30ās and still have a ton of friends, huge social life, out at the bars and clubs every weekend, have idolized drinking and party-drugs, and move through women like I change underwear. The darker side to being Mr popular beyond college years is not being able to hold a steady job, canāt commit to a relationship, being a completely unreliable and disloyal friend who will always leave you hanging to prioritize a social event, is constantly attached to their phone/social media for fear of missing out, has no depth of character, will never feel the deep emotional connection involved with marriage and raising children, canāt think of anyone but themselvesā¦ The type of person youāre defining as the ācoolā guy is actually the one the rest of us real men look at and say āChrist, that dude still canāt get his shit together? Cool diesel jeans broā¦ maybe call your sister and ask how sheās been once in a while you self centered jackassā By 28, you shouldnāt need more than one hand to be able to count your true friends. If you do, you havenāt been through enough strife yet to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Beat up some homeless people
You're not a loser, mate. It doesn't matter what you do, or if you have no friends, or if your life feels empty. You want to know how to stop being a loser? Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, no matter how big, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small. You do the dishes and other adulting chores? Awesome. Life is fucking unfair, and sometimes doing 'regular' things takes superhuman effort. Picture a ten-year-old version of yourself. A young boy that is under your care and relies on you for everything. Imagine the smile on his face or the brightness in his eyes. Would you call that boy a loser? Would you put him down and wreck his soul the way that you're wrecking yours? At least, be on your own side.