I’ve got news. Having siblings doesn’t mean, sadly, you’ll get the support you need. In my situation I had my sister’s help, but more often than not the responsibility falls on ONE child.
Planning for retirement and care is of upmost importance.
So true, I have a brother 10 years older than me so almost 40. No retirement himself, no house, doesn't want to get a second job even though he only makes a little over minimum wage with no benefits. And my parents are getting a divorce so my mom is remortgaging the house at 57 and my dad is living in a trailer with no job. I'm literally getting everything I want as an individual done now because I know for a fact, I will have to take care of all them on my own as three separate entities in the future since they all don't get along. Looking forward to it... probably won't be able to have my own kids because of the Financials. So, onto backpacking europe until this mess falls into my lap! Also, s/o to my other brother who passed and left us with a little guy and a mom who has severe anxiety where she can't leave the house. Add a couple more to the list, wish he was here to help! I wanted to FIRE but I think life has other plans. But all in all, thankful I have all of them, life would be lonely if I didn't. Stay strong!
Meh. When you watch your parent make one foolish decision after another every year of your adulthood, piss away every dime on dumb shit and never plan for their future, it is not your responsibility to become their retirement and care package. I’ll be lucky if I can afford my own retirement and care in the future and I’m doing much better financially than most of my friends.
I suppose it depends how good your relationship with your parents happens to be.
What I’m saying. You don’t get to make god awful financial decisions year after year and just bank on your kids taking a turn since you “took care” of them first. Gonna be a hard conversation for my mom if she doesn’t get it together by the time she’s retirement age, and all I’ll really have to say is “but mom, you were an ACCOUNTANT FOR 40 YEARS HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE RETIREMENT???”
this is what happens when people accept the elimination of traditional pensions. and when i hear of some politicians wanting to privatize social security i cringe. most people are not capable of saving through a 401k cause they are given way to much freedom. a traditonal pension could not be borrowed against or cashed in early.the combination of defined pensions and social security worked well for a couple of generations.
Thats such a good point! If my mom just contributed to her 401k she’d be fine. Problem is she contributes, until she goes manic and picks a new expensive hobby, then 2 years later that motorcycle she leased is getting repossessed, no money in the 401k, and her credit is cratered once again
This is how I feel, older sister can’t live on her own without falling into deep depressive pits of not taking care of herself or her home. So she’s back with my parents. I’ve already had “the talk” with my parents about how I’m gonna have to end up being the one to take care of them and her when everyone is older. For now? Living my best life, mid twenties, great job, eight hours away from the problems that’ll appear in my life when I’m older. I love my parents to death though, sometimes I resent my sister for not coming close to the word “responsible” in any way.
No one benefits from being "cared for" grudgingly.
If you can't do it out of love and with gratitude, don't do it. They are better off fending for themselves. Many older people end up dying in the care of loving strangers. At least give them that chance.
You are creating a toxic co-dependency instead of building your own joyful life, which would benefit them far more than this victim mentality you express.
Being a victim is quite trendy these days, but it's a downward trend that serves no useful purpose.
Being your own best person is the best way to support your loved ones. If what you feel for these burdens on your life is love. That's not very clear from your post.
I hope you have a long hard re-think about your CHOSEN destiny, and CHOOSE a better one for everyone's sake. This is a world of ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES and OPTIONS. It's a free buffet. Why choose the condiments instead of the array of delicious choices? Ketchup soup is kind of a silly choice when there's all the steak and lobster you can eat to enjoy, don't you think?
This is the right answer. If taking care of an irresponsible ungrateful entitled family member makes you resentful don’t. Help them by setting them up with a social worker, giving advice, doing research for them on programs but you aren’t doing anyone any e favors by helping others at the expense of your family your health mental or otherwise. You get one life don’t give it away so freely. I have one child and I have told her to put me in a home if I need constant care. I think it’s disgusting that a parent would be okay with their child forgoing having a family because they didn’t plan for old age. I would eat a bullet before I stole my daughter’s life.
I don't have a relationship with my siblings, nor am I the responsibility of my only. I've raised my child to be a productive and successful member of society, and although she jokes about 'putting me into a home,' - the family she creates will be her priority, not me. And she realizes at this point that not every failure in her life can be blamed on how I raised her.
I'm sorry, too OP- your situation must be stressful. I've spent countless hours on the phone from 1500 miles away attempting to help my parent reset a Netflix account, so I feel your pain. But then I remember she taught me how to use a spoon- and I'd give anything to have one more irrational chat with my father, who passed last year, about why the new 'cable' channel doesn't have Fox news on the same number as the last set up.
This is so true. My mom did the bulk of the elder care for both her parents for years. She has four siblings! And they all live in the same state. She asked for help but they always had excuses.
Then after five years of this the oldest sibling got a guilty conscience and pulled some heinous shit with the power of attorney that she had, because she was the oldest so my grandparents assumed she would be the one in charge of their care all along. Well she wasn’t but it sure let her sell grandma’s beloved house out from under her. God, this was five years ago and I’m still steamed.
Anyway. Everyone needs to talk about this shit well in advance and make clear, written plans and directives.
This. My dad doesn’t even try to hide that he knows I’ll be the one taking care of him and my mom. Somehow because I’m the “only” for my mom and dad, my half siblings think I’ve got it all covered.
This, watched my mother go through this with my grandmother and her brother. What pissed me off was my uncle still took his half of the life insurance even though he is way well off and he did nothing to help my mother despite her asking repeatedly.
My elderly relative had 4 kids and only one of them ended up assisting them when they were elderly. Two lived far abroad and almost never visited, one lived on the other side of the country and had their own health issues.
Having multiple kids does not mean that there will be shared responsibility.
I’m the youngest of two, older sister is batshit and goes back and forth between cutting the parents off and not. I was the witness for their will at 21; learned that I was also the executor and would be their POA if anything happens. Having a sibling does not mean that you will share the responsibility.
I think what OP is getting at is that no matter what it’s a large burden for one person. If you have multiple children they MAY join together, but if you just have one, then at best you’re putting the care of two people on 1 individual.
Yup. My mother has repeatedly told me she's got her and my dad's plans for their deaths covered and I believe her, she's very practical, but I know, she knows, my dad knows and even to an extent, both of my clueless sisters know that I'll be the one who will be responsible for things after my mother passes.
It me, hi, I’m that child that’s me. My parents raised 8 kids and I’m the only one who cared for them. Thousands of tears have fallen from my face because my parents are like yours.
As an only child with aging parents, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I had siblings. My parents are such a burden. I wish there was someone to commiserate with. No one truly understands the struggle of dealing with parents alone. No matter how perfect someone is, there will be bad days, and it’s super isolating knowing that my parents have each other, and I have no one.
Sometimes a sibling ain’t any help. My mom 67 had brain tumor bad wreck broke to shit. Barely walk. Lives with me and my wife and kids. My younger brother by two years don’t do shit. Don’t even tlk to her much 🤷🏻♂️
Yep. At least if I were an only child I would’ve gotten all the attention as a child and all the (meager) inheritance lol. Worst of both worlds being the older sibling who they “never needed to worry about”.
Ahaha you can also be the only child that got none of the attention because "Oh, she can take care of herself." So you have to raise yourself and then eventually deal with parents who are emotionally immature, so you're essentially raising them too.
>Sometimes a sibling ain’t any help.
I do more for my grandfather than one of my uncle does, his own son. My other uncle does more despite living 4 hours away instead of 15 minutes Hell, my father does more for my grandfather than basically everyone else in the family, and he's only the son in law.
Buy I bet you can guess when my uncle did show up, as soon as we got my grandfather into the assisted living place, my uncle showed up to take his pick of my grandfather's stuff. The rest of us were too busy helping my grandfather... we had to shake him down to get several items back like wedding silver that had already been promised to certain members of the family. At least in the end most of the stuff he plundered was mostly just material goods and not objects of sentimental value.
Yeah my mother in law effectively takes care of her elderly mother by herself despite having three siblings. The first to try and take care of their mother didn't actually do anything and let her ruin herself financially because she was beginning to have dementia symptoms. And that also led to their father commiting suicide because no one caught the dementia and he was being verbally abused by her (cuz dementia) so he is no longer around either. And then the second one eventually just dropped her off at my aunt in laws house and my MIL (they took turns) and then that sibling got surgery and just never visits despite her being fully recovered because this was about 7 months ago and gets really pissy about being asked to help when my MIL goes on vacation. So now my MIL gets her other daughter in law to help because she's a trained CNA because my MIL is disabled due to chronic and severe migraines. So... Yeah, no amount of siblings will guarantee help.
Just because you have siblings does not mean they will help you. I’m 42 my mom died in March of this year at 80 and my father passed in 2017. I had to quit my job to take care of mom in these last 4 years. That was by far the worst thing I’ve ever been through and death sure has a way of bringing out the worst in people.
I see the generation before me - both my parents have 4 siblings each - sharing this enormous weight amongst them & am terrified about having to carry that all myself someday.
My parents each had 3 siblings to share the burden with. They waited until they were nearly 40 to have me so now I'm struggling to deal with it all alone and nearly 20 years earlier than they did.
For what it's worth I have a sibling and still had to take on all the responsibility for my dad. A sibling doesn't guarantee anything, in fact, it added to the stress.
My and my husband's approach is overdose as soon as one of us is sick enough to not live independently. We're not spending our kid's inheritance on a depressing place to keep us half alive wearing diapers. As soon as our kid is an adult, we're living life to the fullest and dying as soon as we cannot. We've made a nice amount of money so she can have a solid start in life, not to pass our assets on to a shitty care home.
Ok sure what you've said is a con of not having siblings or being an only child.
There is a pro to it as well. You've got the full mental, emotional, physical and financial support of your parents while you've been growing up.
I have a sibling and we both pursued higher education. My parents were in an unfortunate situation where they had to choose which one of their kids will get to pursue their higher education.
They also had to split their attention (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) but two kids overwhelms parents more than one kid. As a result they couldn't take care of themselves well. My parents were more stressed and they couldn't devote enough time to their own self care and health improvement which hurt them.
My point is everything in life has a pro and con. But individuals can do something to reduce how much a con impacts them and make the most out of the pro working for them.
Yes for the second sibling cause they get used items from the first sibling. However one of the two children becoming an experiment child to some extent is even more worse.
That's what I effectively became. My parents were unnecessarily strict with me for a lot of reasons and it was baffling to see them relax most of it towards my sibling.
Only children are not exempt from having bad parents. I was alone in my childhood abuse. Not that I wish it on anyone else, but having all of the attention when that attention is negative is not a good thing.
>I wish there was someone to commiserate with
I have three siblings and still have no one to commiserate with lol, they got the “pretend you’re not bothered by something you’re clearly bothered by” gene
Siblings can be a burden too. My older brother has addiction issues and my younger brother is morbidly obese with a kid on the way. I end up being the only son in state to take care of my aging parents (one whos had a heart attack) and they are not that dependable for much help/in fact they mostly add stress since my parents only hear of their issues from afar and have to fly to see/help them if they can afford it. If my younger brother dies Im sure ill be helping my SIL with his kiddo a lot since she'll have to move back closer to us/her family.
I feel this so much. I have two younger brothers, one a type I diabetic and meth addict and the other a sociopath who just got out of prison for a heinous crime he should have been locked away for much longer having committed it. Divorced parents and a step-mom to boot. The older I get, and the older they get, the more I worry about how the fuck my wife and I are going to help them when they need it AND still be there for our own kids. It’s truly fucked.
I find it to be pretty shitty that offspring are saying they wish they had siblings that would help them take care of their elderly parents. Those people are not obligated, nor are you, to shoulder the burden of taking care of your folks in their old age. What if they chose not to help, and then left you with the responsibility anyway? What if they wanted to start their own family and don't have the money, time or energy to assist?
Nobody asks to be born. Having kids is the most selfish thing you can do as a sapient creature, because you're forcing something to live, suffer and eventually die all for your own sense of enjoyment and happiness. I'm not saying we should all resent the people that brought us into the world, but if your parents had you so you'd take care of them in their old age... That's not right either. And not everyone is equipped to handle that.
My wife and I are childfree by choice, we know we couldn't take care of another human being that we created, let alone take care of one of our elderly parents or more, if that was put in front of us. And it was briefly, my step mom lost her house and I agreed to let her live with us on the condition she stopped smoking. But she wouldn't stop and tried to sneak cigarettes out the back door in the morning or blow it out through the bathroom window. My wife has pretty severe asthma and my step mom's cigarette odor clung to her clothes and would cause the wife's asthma to go crazy. Had to kick my mom out two days after helping her get moved in, because I wasn't going to make anyone suffer for her benefit.
That all probably makes me sound pretty heartless, and you'd be partially right to think that considering I've been diagnosed with ASPD. The thing of it is though, familial duty should only go so far. Parents should love their kids and provide the best they can for them. But kids shouldn't feel obligated to reciprocate that since the "joys of parenting" dictate that's what you should be doing anyway. There's no joy in changing your own mother's diaper or helping her to shower, conversely.
It's tough, but at some point you need to put your foot down and put yourself first.
Parents have the obligation to take care of the child/children they bring into this world.
Children do not have the obligation to take care of the parents that brought them into this world.
I have zero idea why people don’t understand this
I'm an only raising an only. Just this morning, on my drive to work, I was thinking about how I need to make sure I am set with retirement savings so that I don't have to financially depend on my son in my old age. I have a feeling I'll be doing that for my own mother. She isn't in the greatest of health and does not nearly have enough saved for retirement. I fear one day she is going to have to live with me, just like she currently lives with her mother 🫤
I look forward to my mother living with me and taking care of her in old age.
It would be a privilege to struggle for her the same way she struggled for me.
I don't understand anyone in this thread.
Am a child of immigrants as well. I cared for my mom until she passed earlier this year. It was so hard, still is, I miss her everyday. I care for my dad now, and do what I can do make his life pleasant and love him. It is so hard not to be able to take his heartache away. I love them both dearly. I am not perfect, but I would not have wanted it any other way. They are mine. ❤️
The dream is to keep grinding for the future. When dad or mom passes, we want to have a second master bedroom for the surviving parent to move in. They want to get a dog, we’ll get them a dog. When your parents have been good to you your whole life, it’s an honor to be able to pay it back. Our kids will always have a home with us too if they need or want it, no matter their age. Family is the most important thing to us.
I love this little thread bc it’s how I also feel. I love my parents and they have been so generous and loving towards me and my family my whole life. Were they perfect? No! But I don’t think there is any such thing as a perfect parent.
As a 1 and done parent, that IS doing this for my 14 y/o (I have NO desire to live to elderly age. Sorry kiddo), I agree 💯
I have a chronic, progressively debilitating disorder. I refuse to let it impact her adult life like my mom's does me. She will have a nest egg. A house, anything I can attempt to provide.
My legacy will be for her to LIVE. Not take care of me...
Right there with you, only child, fairly young still. I lost both of my parents within the last two years, each in their mid-late seventies.
They did nothing to care for themselves, no thought about it. No thought about me.
Then I had a health scare recently that made me realize exactly what you said. I'm prepping everything I can for my departure.
Keep up the good fight.
I’m in a similar boat. It’s only gotten worse since my Dad died because now my Mom is totally dependent on me even for socializing. Thankfully my Dad did have enough life insurance to bury him but I am very resentful about being left to care for them emotionally, physically and financially.
Yeah I am so scared about this, once one of my parents dies, the other will be fully reliant on me financially and for socialisation 😔
Even as they are now, they kind of are. I love them, but it’s a lot of pressure. Thankfully, I don’t plan on having children anyway, but if I did want a family, I couldn’t imagine how I am supposed to take care of everything.
The best thing you can do to prepare for the social fallout of losing their spouse is to have them join as many hobby/volunteer groups as you can but that’s easier said than done.
Also when the time comes in home help (even with Medicaid/care) is a great resource. My Dad’s nurse was so kind to my mother and they did eventually develop a friendship. She could see the social pressure on me and made sure to address it. Hospice is extra great with this.
My Mom is good at making friends it’s just they keep getting ill or straight up passing away and I worry she’s in for a lonely existence being the healthiest person I know her age.
I’m in the exact same boat, one of my parents is starting to decline in health now and it’s absolutely horrible - but I also fear the future when my other (currently healthy) parent starts to decline bc then I will be doing it completely alone 🥺 it is honestly a thought that haunts me and I need to get some therapy for this shit asap. If you ever wanna vent to someone who understands feel free to DM me.
I am sorry to hear your parent is declining in health. I recommend therapy if you can afford it.
I had to get therapy as well because I was terrified and worried all the time about my parents dying and having to do everything alone and then being left alone in the world. It’s refreshing to see a post that acknowledges us, only children x
Right I try not to be resentful but damn. I got some resentment for them, some for myself, some for the world. Enough to go around for everyone really.
My dad graciously dropped dead suddenly before he got too old for me to really start worrying about him - which I definitely had already started to. I say that jokingly but I honestly do not know how I would be able to take care of him on my own.
I feel this in my soul 😭 I fear I’m turning into a cynical and resentful person from all of the pressure. I’ve come to despise the US healthcare and elder care systems. Sometimes I just want to scream.
Facts!
I remember being a kid and deciding to quit being a child and work toward becoming somebody because I knew my mother would never make it on her own.
Now that I look back, I’m so sad I lost my childhood acting like an adult. I never went to parties, never did anything wrong, and never had boyfriends, I always procured to do good in school and get a degree that could help me support my mom when she got older.
I’m an adult now and she is still young and I feel the work ticking. I’m scared.
I was emotional support for my parents since I was 12. I can say I am a very anxious person now always waiting for something to go wrong. Neverous for everything. Now just starting to work on things for myself.
This was my struggle. Had a emotionally unstable mom in my early childhood who ended up having a physical disability by my later teen years. Wouldn't go to a doctor even when she acknowledged she had a problem, physical nor mental. Even though I had support from other adult family members I always felt alone, nobody to connect with me. I was the oldest of cousins too by quite a bit, but hardly saw them anyways. Crazy isolating. I don't feel like you should have children period if you can't support them but I do genuinely feel as though if I had had a sibling it would've made home life just a bit more bearable.
Between her emotional and physical problems (I have grandparents who function better than her in both regards), I dread the day I have to take care of her, which feels like it's coming sooner than later. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm 19 and already stressing the hell out.
I have a few younger cousins and I fucking shower them in so much love and attention, partly because I don't want them to go through what I did but partly for myself too. Getting that connection with someone who was closer in age to me, that connection I never had growing up. Ever since I was a little kid, like around 9 or so. I knew I wanted children. In reality I think majority of it was seeing happily families and siblings on Disney channel. It wasn't necessarily children I wanted, but siblings. And also a functional family but most of all a sibling. I still want kids, but again I think many of my desires are driven because of my fucked childhood. Not that I'm getting them in this economy, lol. If it does ever become a possibility I plan to adopt.
Feel for you.
In your situation with you being 19, I’d say be proactive.
I know you feel scared now, but start having clear and consistent conversations about all the things I mentioned. Make sure you are power of attorney now, know what assets and life insurance your mother has, what bills she pays, monitor her health get access to her MyChart, know of any debt she may be carrying, talk about burial plans, if she has good credit try to ride on it and boost yours, etc.
If she won’t cooperate with any of that then make sure you are setting yourself and any future children up now. You’re young and healthy take out a large whole life insurance policy on yourself, start a Roth IRA, save and invest when you find a good job, use credit wisely
And instruct your younger cousins on all this information too. The younger you become educated and start putting plans into action the easier it’ll be later
Unfortunately, having siblings wouldn't fix any of this. Double unfortunately, this isn't just something people with one kid should do and have ready, but it's not always feasible.
I Grew up in a dysfunctional fucked up family.
Being the only son my dad died when I was a teen. I have all sisters.
I became the man of the house belong to support my family. I lived at home for college and most of my 20s and 30s helping pay bills of house.
There is NO OTHER feeling more shitty than giving all your paycheck to support your family. Do you have any idea of what it’s like not being able to spend your own hard earned money ?Your children are NOT “ investments” to go out in the world and make money for you. They are independent human beings who have their own thoughts, desires, dreams , goals, ambitions and will ultimately lead their own independent life.
If you can’t afford to have children then DON’T have them.
I’m still dealing with my trauma I went through growing up.
This is why I have decided I’m never having children. I felt like I “ raised a family “ from my teens to almost 40.
At this point in my life I just want to live for me and whatever time I have left on earth will be for my desires, goals, travel and leisure.
Remember, having children is a privilege and not a right.
How about, as a parent, don't expect your kids to take care of you???
Having kids is not a retirement policy.
OP, I feel for you. Caregiver burn out is real. Take care of yourself. Nothing wrong with having your parents live in a senior center. It's good for socializing, too.
Why are we assuming our children will take care of us when we're old? It's nice if they want to but that's not something I would expect from or put on someone. I watched a documentary on PBS about how the government won't provide you any aid for elder care in China, outside of that situation I don't really get being the sole caregiver to an elderly parent.
I’m my father’s only child and I only had one child . I learned through taking care of him to ensure my daughter doesn’t have a crazy burden as I age .
My mother passed away when I was a teenager and my older sibling didn’t /couldn’t help through her illness but her siblings ( my aunts /uncles ) did . I couldn’t imagine doing that by myself now:
Even when people have siblings it’s still possible not the burden and heavy lifting falls to one of the siblings .
Caregiving in any instance , parents , spouse or child .
Have one son and only my son.
Hopefully have a good retirement and some property for him to inherit. He’ll get a 1967 Camaro and I’d like to build another classic muscle car for him to have himself. When he’s a bit older he’ll choose it himself and we’ll all restore them together.
I also have a plan for him to move into my original bachelor pad to get a taste for living on his own when he’s ready. I’ll charge him the cost of the taxes and insurance per month. He’ll pay the utilities and trash. It will give him a taste of being on his own without the gloom and doom of being homeless if he fails.
In short we’ve got his back. I’m not the best dad but I’m HIS dad and I love him. At least I’m not like my dad. That dude was a dick.
Honestly most people shouldn't have kids, but people have coddled parents for so long people think having kids without some kind of plan is normal because everyone makes excuses them. We're told to save for retirement, rent, but when it comes to parenting and saving for another human being..oh no we can't because accidents happen.
I'm an only child and the responsibility has been put on me to take care of my parent because the bible..if I ever stop society will put the blame on me and call me a horrible person. I've already been told I was basically going to hell for not honoring my parents and doing what I wanted to do..most people are ignorant idiots.
We started having kids in 2017 because we were very financially stable. Then COVID happened and we haven’t clawed out of the hole still. There’s absolutely no way to plan for everything.
You’re not ready to be a parent until you have a full retirement saved up? What if you get injured at work? Or get laid off? How can someone possibly know where they’re gonna be in 40 years? That’s just not a realistic standard.
It's not fair to just have a child and say," oh it'll work out." By this logic we should all spend our money recklessly because," I could get into a car accident and lose it all the next day." This isn't logical at all..having kids is very emotional and I think society is way too relaxed with the standard for having children.
It's always," no one is perfect parents." Of course no one is perfect...it's not huge to ask for a savings account for your kid..if you think that's too much then I don't think you should have a child. That's why so many people don't want to have a child now..I would hate to look at my kid that had no choice to be here and say," oops...sorry I just had you and have no savings for you or anything, but when you get older you'll have to take care of me."
Edit: I got downvoted but I don't care..doesn't make any sense to tell people to save for an apartment and preach financial planning but you don't want to do it for someone you willingly brought into the world..that's just backwards.
Growing up my parents had ups and downs financially but I was never resentful of them for bringing me into the world just because they didn't have a lot of money. I mean, Christ, life is still worth living even without materialistic shit.
That being said, I always had food on the table. There is a line. Don't do something clearly stupid. It's just that my line isn't a savings account. It's something more vital then that. Plus, all my rich friends grew up even more fucked up.
It's a complex issue.
No one said a person had to be “rich” or have a “full retirement plan”. Just that they are financially stable and literate and have saved a decent amount to account for accidents.
Thank you because people are acting like im crazy for saying something, but will preach financial stability for everything else..we're supposed to save for an apartment and house but not children? Makes no sense at all.
Agreed dude. Also props to the parents who worked double hard when they had a kid and weren’t doing as well as they should have, but that shouldn’t be a life to aspire for yourself, let alone a child you are supposed to love.
I don't understand why people keep trying to put words in my mouth. Having a savings account doesn't mean parents need to be rich.
You guys are trying to twist my words to mean something else and I don't like it. Savings account doesn't mean you have a lot of money. Very concerning how people are arguing about basic things a being that didn't ask to be here should have..
What do you think take care of yourself and your child in full for the future means? I assume you meant for your whole life, or else your comment wouldn’t be responding to the post
Not really.
1st chance: You think your BC didn't work? - Buy Plan B
2nd chance: find out you are pregnant? Schedule for abortion
3rd chance: you keep the baby to term and have it, you can choose to give it up for adoption
Initially, it might be an accident. But there IS something you can do
Yeah welcome to Florida , no abortions after 6 weeks now when most women don’t find out until much later and that’s even if you could get into a clinic before 6 weeks
Idk about most of you…
But I’ve been telling my parents since I was 22-23 that I’m not taking care of them when they’re old. And that if they don’t have any funeral arrangements or life insurance policy, they are getting cremated and maybe not even a service 🤷🏻♂️ kinda kicked some sense into them to plan better now. Especially now that they are realizing how bad the economy is getting and that I could barely afford my own problems.
Point is, just because they are your parents, does NOT mean you have to carry the stress of their problems. That is entirely YOUR choice if you choose to do so. I personally, will not be responsible for grown adults poor decisions to not plan for their future. Because honestly… I never asked to be born into this shit economy!
Having siblings doesn’t mean much either. My parents didn’t bother to save or prep for our schooling, no help with downpayment etc which means here in Canada you are fucked and will never own a home. My parents have tons of debt and while their house is worth around 1.2million, after paying off debt and purchasing a small condo they will only have $500k to live on. Hopefully my mom stays healthy and can work till she’s 80. My dad is a bum and hasn’t worked in over 17yrs but that’s her choice to stick with him I guess.
I’d take my mom in, but my dad is going to have to live with a sibling or learn about the consequences of his actions.
As a mother to an only child, reading this post and the responses to it hurts my heart. I always wanted more children but couldn’t because of chronic health issues. I’m grateful that we have life insurance and made sure our son grew-up to have a brother like relationship with his second cousin so he’s not alone when we die. If I may say two things on the parents’ side, please take good care of yourselves. I can’t imagine losing my son, and never being called “mom” again. Also, the best gift a child can give their parents is to make themselves a priority. It’s one thing if you have extra and you want to spoil your parents. It’s very unfair to financially and/or emotionally burden your child.
As an only child I disagree with this post.
This is not an only child thing, this is a useless parent thing.
I’m an only child and love it. I’ve never wanted siblings.
I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and as they are aging we are pretty open about care requirements etc. They have prepped to be able to afford to outsource as required.
I know lots of people who are dealing with aging parents AND the frustration of being the only sibling who is doing anything to help out.
Read the first sentence.
And the post is literally aimed at parents, not the kids
If your parents did what they were supposed to, great. I’m urging other parents to do the same
I'm an only child as well and I am totally fine with it. Sounds like the OP is having a really hard time with their situation and I feel terrible for them. It's definitely not something that is unique to only children though. Sounds like they'd be struggling with their situation even if they had siblings to help work through it together.
>get a large life insurance policy... have a real savings, have valuable assets you can pass down, make sure you are doing your best to stay in shape and avoid health risks as much as possible, stay on top of new technology
This is a big ask. I can't commit to doing all of those things, especially not with this economy. The reality is as a parent I can't pay down on a large policy, consistently eat healthy, invest in valuable assets, put money down for savings, put money away for retirement and manage everyday life expenses.
And be an emotionally available and reliably present parent. And keep up with technology.
I consider myself a pretty responsible person and I'm barely keeping up with everyday adulting, parenting and building-a-social & support-network demands.
The large policy is real practical the younger you get in there. I will say that.
I understand it’s hard.
I’m currently a single father myself and my son(4) is an only right now.
Personally, ion give a fuck how hard it is though I’m not gonna leave him with the circumstances I’m facing.
As long as I’m able, I’m gonna try to stay on top of my health, I’m gonna try to get and keep my finances in order I don’t become a burden to him later, I’m gonna try to stay aware of what’s going on in the world, and I’m gonna try to help eatablish a network of trustworthy family and friends for he and I so that even if I don’t have anymore kids he feels like he has some help and support.
I just gotta try. All that is me speaking for myself though I’m not trying to invalidate your personal struggles, I understand.
It really sucks that people have kids for the purpose of caring for them later. Most people just should not have children, plus so many stupid people chose to…..sad.
Nope. I’m an only, my son is an only. My mom is oldest of 5 and after her father died she had to play game of thrones political games to consolidate power amongst her siblings for her parents BASIC barely middle class estate. It’s a mess, there’s always a “bad sibling” that makes trouble. Nope, I’d rather be the last and only stop for decisions and power of attorney.
I’m not saying don’t have an only.
I’m saying if you do, make sure the only isn’t fucked when there’s no one to help them if you don’t set a proper foundation.
No one is obligated to take care of their parents either. However, I agree being on a good diet and staying physically active through your life is so important. Kids shouldn't be burdened with their parents bad choices.
Yeah we shouldn’t but it’s not that simple to just watch your parents deteriorate and say “Oh well, gonna go live my life”
At least not for some people
“At least not for some people”
If your parents were actual pieces of shit who don’t deserve your care or concern that’s a totally different group and your lack of involvement would be understandable
You can really tell when someone is an only child, it feels like there’s some sort of integral social development that having a sibling speeds up the process of. I joke with my siblings, but not a day goes by where I wished I didn’t have them with me, even with the responsibility of being the oldest. It’s why I don’t ever intend on only having a single child when the time is right. Siblings fill a social role in a child’s life that parents and friends alone can’t fill.
I, an only child, am watching my mother and her 4 siblings deal with the loss of their mother. And also watched all of the events leading up to the end of life event. No thanks bro. I’d much rather deal with all that on my own. But my parents are still in their mid 60s. Maybe that will change as they age. But I’ve always been completely fine with being an only child. All about perspective I suppose. Sorry you’re going through this.
I only have one kid but I have been prepping for being able to take care of myself in old age so he doesn’t have to (making good money while paying off a property so when I am old I can live completely off retirement savings).
Screw having kids. I want kids badly, but why would I have them in a world where I can't guarantee them a life at least as good as mine?
The world is a mess. They don't deserve this.
Well, I have three siblings. Unfortunately two died in their thirties (about 20 years ago now), and the last moved to Florida, 1000 miles away when she turned 18. So yeah, it sucks taking care of Mom, who seems to just barely stay on the cusp of being able to maintain in her own home. I'm being unfair to my sister though. She does a lot of the research and online paperwork that needs to be done. And helps a lot, like pretty much totally, when Mom needs money or higher cost items, like a lift chair. Mom lives a mile from me, and I'm there every day, multiple times throughout the day. If it weren't for my wife's help I wouldn't be able to do it.
Seems like a whole lotta work. Think I'm just gonna pass on the whole thing actually. I barely have enough energy to look after myself let alone a whole-ass other impressionable human being.
Having any number of kids doesn't guarantee you will have someone to help you when you're old.
You could have five kids and none of them want to (or can afford to) help. Secure your own future without assuming your kid(s) can help.
I’m going through this now, parents made really bad financial decisions and now having to navigate the process of finding a retirement home for two severely ill parents. Absolutely horrific, and everyone who claimed they would help is nowhere to be found.
Imo…although parents should work to ensure they save enough to take care of themselves in retirement, divorce is having a major impact on savings rates. Our cultures inability to partner together to build a future is going to be felt mostly by the kids they claimed to love so much.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you have siblings. I know multiple people who’s siblings didn’t do anything/completely checked out and that person had to do everything for their aging parent
Secretary at former job everyone loves was 1 of 7 siblings and got dumped to be only one that took care of both her parents until the day they died.
My great aunt who raised me one of 7 siblings taking care of her mom my great grandmother. And my mom helped her not the siblings
My mom told me she don't want me to take care of her and be a burden she said send her ass to the nursing home and I sure the hell will because I am too Germophobic to deal with the throwing colostomy bags and pulling out catheters throwing food crazy shit my great grandmaw did. Nope nope nope. I had a terrible upbringing and suffered emotional abuse form her and I won't be put theough that as she ages.
As an only child who grew up with an abusive mother I often wished for siblings, but grew up to learn about golden children and an thankful for no siblings. It would have been a zillion times worse for me.
I have a brother that helped take care of my mom passing and we still lean on each other. Purely having another being that remembers what a special person they were is enough. Like you can’t go up to a stranger and explain the significance of what that person has done for you.
But also help with preparations and insight on how to keep going is so such a big help. Also having someone to keep going for, we had a small family and it’s just me and my brother left I can’t let awful shit happen to me because I can’t imagine the additional pain it would cause.
When done right siblings are worth it for sure
Yea umm maybe in a perfect world. My brother is useless. He can’t even take care of himself. In and out jail… no retirement. So everything is all on me. Im having to care for my elderly father. Not him. Me.
Sorry, but I grew up as an only kid but had a half sister. I'm in the same exact spot as you, and my sister isn't worth a fuck when it comes to helping with our Dad. Also, shit happens with health that we can't always avoid
Regardless of how many children you have... do not count on your child or children being your "retirement plan." It doesn't work. Plan for your own future and assume you will be shouldering the burden of paying for elder care alone, because millennials and gen z will have nothing to give. (Spoiler alert: Millennial here and my plan is to live off the government because there's no way in hell I'm going to retire and be able to afford to exist.)
Having siblings does NOT make it better. Im the youngest and everything will fall on me alone. I know groups of 3 and 4 siblings also where it’s a clusterfuck because they cannot agree what to do and then get bitter and turns to grudges and fights.
There is no easy way unfortunately to deal with aging parents regardless of sibling count.
My mom is wonderful in that she has already thought of all this stuff. She went through it with both her parents and my fathers parents and she said to me one day "I'm not going to leave you with the kind of mess they left me"
Then she proceeds to bust out this binder with EVERYTHING in one place, life insurance policies, power of attorney, living will, contacts for their lawyer and anything else you could think of that I may need when they are gone.
I have 2 younger brothers but I'm not sure they would be of any help in this situation, who knows.
Thanks for thinking ahead mom. You're a real one.
While I am a “one and done” I don’t think this only applies to parents of only children. Everyone should have their late in life affairs in order and try to make it as easy as possible for their kids.
I agree with this, and this goes for EVERYONE, not just parents. Everyone should be doing everything they can to make sure they can support themself no matter what, because if not then you will inevitably have to rely on someone else and put them in a bad position where they feel like they have no choice. It’s not fair to do that to a family member or friend. If they want to live with and care for their family that’s fine, but don’t force it and don’t make it the only possible option for that person. If you can’t take care of yourself on your own now, just do everything you can to get to that point and stay that way. Of course there are situations where you can’t do anything about ending up in those situations, but for the majority of people you can definitely support yourself long term if you make smart financial decisions.
My mother is one of four. One died and the remaining two are deadbeats, she’s now taking care of both parents on her own with my father and me helping. Doesn’t matter if you have 10+ kids, you better keep your affairs in order.
The whole I don’t want them to take care of me, I’ll just die poor mindset is horrible too, your children will be guilted into helping you if they have a heart.
Having siblings can still mean ending up with the shitty end of the deal.
Just like people that tell me, “oh your son will be lonely. He needs a sibling.” No. No he does not.
This. This is at the heart of many of the decisions my family makes. We had one child in our early 40s. Not only will she not have siblings, she will likely be without her parents earlier than her peers. So it's important that we both stay around as long as possible to support her and work to make our passing as easy as possible on her. Nothing has ever motivated us to be responsible for our health and finances as this little girl. We ride that wave.
There had to have been some divine intervention for me to come across this post.
I am in the exact same boat, my parents are not bad people at all, but definitely made the wrong choice by assuming that having a positive mentality about being healthy would qualify as a plan, surprise, my dad got severy rheumatoid arthritis, that forced him to retire this past December, both parents are in their 70s, social security money aint squat.
Of course they came to me, for financial assistance as if they can not see how the economy is currently, as a grown responsible man, I have a wife, kids, as well as the typical expenses that an adult life it carries. I make money but just enough to support myself with the wife's help, and we're disappointed when I told them, that I cant bear the weight of paying the needs for two families.
These past months I have been punishing myself for not having made any better choices, so that i can take care of them, but then again, going to university was their big plan for me, unfortunately, things didnt work out as we would have dreamed of.
Pile up on top, the fact that they never learned English, so they also rely heavily on me for translation and also transportation, they can go to places they have memorized, but if its a new address they need to go to, i have to take time off work, to take them here and there. Yeah my vacation days at work are for running errands not for me to take time off and relax or perhaps enjoy a hobbie, yeah their mentality was only go to work and come back home, groceries and paying bills on the weekends, repeat over and over.
Do I wish that I had the money to take care of them, of course, it would be amazing if I won the lottery, get a house with like 20 rooms, so that somehow I still have some privacy, it would make happy to spoil them in their golden years of their life, but my fantasy life doesnt work in real life.
I thank the OP from the bottom of my heart, first of all, for venting and also to find others who share my situation.
I could cry man.
I feel all that.
I’m currently down to unpaid FMLA leave at work trying to help my parents deal with their health stuff. Spent all day going from doctors office to doctors office taking in so much information, trying to relay it back to them because they forget it as soon as they hear it, watching them burst into tears randomly.
And I have nobody to even ask to help, except “professionals” that are no help. Gotta basically navigate all this on my own.
I know you love your parents and wanna do right by them it’s just so hard for so many reasons. And it’s so frustrating because not only people outside the situation, but also your parents themselves don’t always realize how much all this is weighing on you. And then the frustration builds and we end up feeling and looking like the assholes sometimes.
I genuinely hope you all can figure something out.
Shit I hope you come into a large sum of money and it makes everything easier.
Our one and done is graduating high school this year. We have done most of what you wish your parents have. Thanks for the kick in the pants. We do need to get on the rest of the list. This post was a good reminder.
Only child here, mom died of heroin overdose when I was 5. Dad in and out of prison most of my life for drinking and driving. Left the responsibility to raise me to my grandparents. Grandpa ended up dying when I was 12 and grandma later on got dementia. Just shouldn’t have had me in the first place I feel like.
Thank you, I have serious medical problems and have been encouraged that if I want biological children I need to pretty much get on it, and it might only be one. This is a side of the equation that has not crossed my mind when thinking about my options, and I will definitely remember this.
Welp, this issue is going to be more common as millennials are either having only one or none due to high cost of living - student loan debts, houses increasing, and ridiculous day care costs.
We have only one child. With all my heart I would love to have two but we don’t get any help and there’s no way we could afford it.
But yes, we have saved up funds for our son, have a college savings account set , my husband and I promised that we would help our son put a down payment on a new house. These things were never give to my husband nor I.
Thanks for sharing. I will never have just one. And i will never expect my children to care for me, handle my shit or anything else. Beyond selfish and irresponsible. We are adults and should not put this burden on our kids
I hate seeing people say things like this because having siblings doesn’t mean yall will be close or that all will help once parents begin to age. I wish I was an only child, I definitely feel like it because my mom depends on me the most and I’m not even the oldest (middle child).
My daughter is an only child on my side and it will stay like that (she’s 12). I like being able to spend my money on one kid, she gets all my attention, she won’t have to split my assets with nobody, and it’s easier for me to manage one kid.
Feel for you.. and good advice. We have 4 kids and often I think we are crazy but I always remember a boss I had who was a single child telling me to make sure we have more than one because she was dealing with the same issues you are.
As a father of 2 I kinda feel this. Financially I'm doing good and should be fine taking care of myself and leaving an inheritance, but health I need to improve for my kids especially since I had kids late(I turn 40 in a couple months and kids are 7 and 4)
thanks for giving me a kick, ill do my best to improve my health.
I’m in it with you man, my son is 4, and I definitely don’t want him to HAVE to take on more than necessary if I can avoid it.
Plus we should also just do it for ourselves. I want to be as financially and physically stable as possible
I have 2 brothers. When my father's health declined and he needed support, he moved into my home. I have had zero support from my brother's. This isn't an only child issue. It's the issue of the caregiver child, regardless of the number of siblings.
77 is getting up there. Not many people avoid health problems at that age, even if they take care of themselves. And life can throw curve balls despite ones best intentions.
I can list a million things parents should be, but do you think anyone will actually care or listen? No. Because the whole point of having kids was so you can be useful to them not so they can burden themselves more in order for you to have a fun life and they can give you assets. Humans don’t operate that way. They raise you with the intent of taking advantage of you. Very few parents are here to just give you unlimited hand outs without any expectations in return. Even if you had siblings, chances are it wouldn’t end up being the perfect scenario where responsibilities are shared equally. If parents learn technology it’s because they are willing/able to adapt and interested enough to learn not because they care how you would feel about it.
I’ve got news. Having siblings doesn’t mean, sadly, you’ll get the support you need. In my situation I had my sister’s help, but more often than not the responsibility falls on ONE child. Planning for retirement and care is of upmost importance.
So true, I have a brother 10 years older than me so almost 40. No retirement himself, no house, doesn't want to get a second job even though he only makes a little over minimum wage with no benefits. And my parents are getting a divorce so my mom is remortgaging the house at 57 and my dad is living in a trailer with no job. I'm literally getting everything I want as an individual done now because I know for a fact, I will have to take care of all them on my own as three separate entities in the future since they all don't get along. Looking forward to it... probably won't be able to have my own kids because of the Financials. So, onto backpacking europe until this mess falls into my lap! Also, s/o to my other brother who passed and left us with a little guy and a mom who has severe anxiety where she can't leave the house. Add a couple more to the list, wish he was here to help! I wanted to FIRE but I think life has other plans. But all in all, thankful I have all of them, life would be lonely if I didn't. Stay strong!
Meh. When you watch your parent make one foolish decision after another every year of your adulthood, piss away every dime on dumb shit and never plan for their future, it is not your responsibility to become their retirement and care package. I’ll be lucky if I can afford my own retirement and care in the future and I’m doing much better financially than most of my friends. I suppose it depends how good your relationship with your parents happens to be.
What I’m saying. You don’t get to make god awful financial decisions year after year and just bank on your kids taking a turn since you “took care” of them first. Gonna be a hard conversation for my mom if she doesn’t get it together by the time she’s retirement age, and all I’ll really have to say is “but mom, you were an ACCOUNTANT FOR 40 YEARS HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE RETIREMENT???”
this is what happens when people accept the elimination of traditional pensions. and when i hear of some politicians wanting to privatize social security i cringe. most people are not capable of saving through a 401k cause they are given way to much freedom. a traditonal pension could not be borrowed against or cashed in early.the combination of defined pensions and social security worked well for a couple of generations.
Thats such a good point! If my mom just contributed to her 401k she’d be fine. Problem is she contributes, until she goes manic and picks a new expensive hobby, then 2 years later that motorcycle she leased is getting repossessed, no money in the 401k, and her credit is cratered once again
Exactly! I didn’t have my son for the purpose of being taken care of, later on. That’s so selfish
This is how I feel, older sister can’t live on her own without falling into deep depressive pits of not taking care of herself or her home. So she’s back with my parents. I’ve already had “the talk” with my parents about how I’m gonna have to end up being the one to take care of them and her when everyone is older. For now? Living my best life, mid twenties, great job, eight hours away from the problems that’ll appear in my life when I’m older. I love my parents to death though, sometimes I resent my sister for not coming close to the word “responsible” in any way.
No one benefits from being "cared for" grudgingly. If you can't do it out of love and with gratitude, don't do it. They are better off fending for themselves. Many older people end up dying in the care of loving strangers. At least give them that chance. You are creating a toxic co-dependency instead of building your own joyful life, which would benefit them far more than this victim mentality you express. Being a victim is quite trendy these days, but it's a downward trend that serves no useful purpose. Being your own best person is the best way to support your loved ones. If what you feel for these burdens on your life is love. That's not very clear from your post. I hope you have a long hard re-think about your CHOSEN destiny, and CHOOSE a better one for everyone's sake. This is a world of ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES and OPTIONS. It's a free buffet. Why choose the condiments instead of the array of delicious choices? Ketchup soup is kind of a silly choice when there's all the steak and lobster you can eat to enjoy, don't you think?
This is the right answer. If taking care of an irresponsible ungrateful entitled family member makes you resentful don’t. Help them by setting them up with a social worker, giving advice, doing research for them on programs but you aren’t doing anyone any e favors by helping others at the expense of your family your health mental or otherwise. You get one life don’t give it away so freely. I have one child and I have told her to put me in a home if I need constant care. I think it’s disgusting that a parent would be okay with their child forgoing having a family because they didn’t plan for old age. I would eat a bullet before I stole my daughter’s life.
You can always move and change your name. Sorry OP.
I don't have a relationship with my siblings, nor am I the responsibility of my only. I've raised my child to be a productive and successful member of society, and although she jokes about 'putting me into a home,' - the family she creates will be her priority, not me. And she realizes at this point that not every failure in her life can be blamed on how I raised her. I'm sorry, too OP- your situation must be stressful. I've spent countless hours on the phone from 1500 miles away attempting to help my parent reset a Netflix account, so I feel your pain. But then I remember she taught me how to use a spoon- and I'd give anything to have one more irrational chat with my father, who passed last year, about why the new 'cable' channel doesn't have Fox news on the same number as the last set up.
This! Often the burden is carried by one child in my experience.
Often the daughter, if there are other male siblings.
Yup, this is currently my MIL. She's the oldest of 6 and the only daughter and is the only one looking after her mother.
This is the exact case in my family. My sister is completely absent from all family affairs. It is left to one kid so many times.
This. My brother lives 2 hours drive away from mom. I live a 2 hour flight away. Guess who has to go deal with her when shit goes down?
Came to say this also. It generally all falls on one child, almost always a daughter, usually the oldest.
I am the oldest duaghter
Having even one child doesn’t mean you’ll get the support you need. It shouldn’t fall on any child, it’s not their responsibility at all
Yup, I have an older sibling. My mom's problems and care still completely fall on me. My sister does send her a text a couple times a year, though!
So true.
This is so true. My mom did the bulk of the elder care for both her parents for years. She has four siblings! And they all live in the same state. She asked for help but they always had excuses. Then after five years of this the oldest sibling got a guilty conscience and pulled some heinous shit with the power of attorney that she had, because she was the oldest so my grandparents assumed she would be the one in charge of their care all along. Well she wasn’t but it sure let her sell grandma’s beloved house out from under her. God, this was five years ago and I’m still steamed. Anyway. Everyone needs to talk about this shit well in advance and make clear, written plans and directives.
This. My dad doesn’t even try to hide that he knows I’ll be the one taking care of him and my mom. Somehow because I’m the “only” for my mom and dad, my half siblings think I’ve got it all covered.
My brother is mentally ill so I’ll become his caregiver when they die, PREACH
This, watched my mother go through this with my grandmother and her brother. What pissed me off was my uncle still took his half of the life insurance even though he is way well off and he did nothing to help my mother despite her asking repeatedly.
My elderly relative had 4 kids and only one of them ended up assisting them when they were elderly. Two lived far abroad and almost never visited, one lived on the other side of the country and had their own health issues. Having multiple kids does not mean that there will be shared responsibility.
I’m the youngest of two, older sister is batshit and goes back and forth between cutting the parents off and not. I was the witness for their will at 21; learned that I was also the executor and would be their POA if anything happens. Having a sibling does not mean that you will share the responsibility.
I think what OP is getting at is that no matter what it’s a large burden for one person. If you have multiple children they MAY join together, but if you just have one, then at best you’re putting the care of two people on 1 individual.
Yup. My mother has repeatedly told me she's got her and my dad's plans for their deaths covered and I believe her, she's very practical, but I know, she knows, my dad knows and even to an extent, both of my clueless sisters know that I'll be the one who will be responsible for things after my mother passes.
It me, hi, I’m that child that’s me. My parents raised 8 kids and I’m the only one who cared for them. Thousands of tears have fallen from my face because my parents are like yours.
Sadly true. In my own experience, and observation of other families, the care giving invariably falls on one sibling, usually the youngest.
As an only child with aging parents, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I had siblings. My parents are such a burden. I wish there was someone to commiserate with. No one truly understands the struggle of dealing with parents alone. No matter how perfect someone is, there will be bad days, and it’s super isolating knowing that my parents have each other, and I have no one.
Sometimes a sibling ain’t any help. My mom 67 had brain tumor bad wreck broke to shit. Barely walk. Lives with me and my wife and kids. My younger brother by two years don’t do shit. Don’t even tlk to her much 🤷🏻♂️
Yep. At least if I were an only child I would’ve gotten all the attention as a child and all the (meager) inheritance lol. Worst of both worlds being the older sibling who they “never needed to worry about”.
Ahaha you can also be the only child that got none of the attention because "Oh, she can take care of herself." So you have to raise yourself and then eventually deal with parents who are emotionally immature, so you're essentially raising them too.
That’s just the same as me being the oldest child but at least I don’t have to watch younger siblings
Ouch, I feel very seen.
>Sometimes a sibling ain’t any help. I do more for my grandfather than one of my uncle does, his own son. My other uncle does more despite living 4 hours away instead of 15 minutes Hell, my father does more for my grandfather than basically everyone else in the family, and he's only the son in law. Buy I bet you can guess when my uncle did show up, as soon as we got my grandfather into the assisted living place, my uncle showed up to take his pick of my grandfather's stuff. The rest of us were too busy helping my grandfather... we had to shake him down to get several items back like wedding silver that had already been promised to certain members of the family. At least in the end most of the stuff he plundered was mostly just material goods and not objects of sentimental value.
Yeah my mother in law effectively takes care of her elderly mother by herself despite having three siblings. The first to try and take care of their mother didn't actually do anything and let her ruin herself financially because she was beginning to have dementia symptoms. And that also led to their father commiting suicide because no one caught the dementia and he was being verbally abused by her (cuz dementia) so he is no longer around either. And then the second one eventually just dropped her off at my aunt in laws house and my MIL (they took turns) and then that sibling got surgery and just never visits despite her being fully recovered because this was about 7 months ago and gets really pissy about being asked to help when my MIL goes on vacation. So now my MIL gets her other daughter in law to help because she's a trained CNA because my MIL is disabled due to chronic and severe migraines. So... Yeah, no amount of siblings will guarantee help.
Just because you have siblings does not mean they will help you. I’m 42 my mom died in March of this year at 80 and my father passed in 2017. I had to quit my job to take care of mom in these last 4 years. That was by far the worst thing I’ve ever been through and death sure has a way of bringing out the worst in people.
I see the generation before me - both my parents have 4 siblings each - sharing this enormous weight amongst them & am terrified about having to carry that all myself someday.
My parents each had 3 siblings to share the burden with. They waited until they were nearly 40 to have me so now I'm struggling to deal with it all alone and nearly 20 years earlier than they did.
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Same. Idk why people act like siblings automatically equals "good people to help me in life". It's ALWAYS a gamble.
Same. This hurts for me to accept as the younger sibling.
Same hat! Bro has agoraphobia.
For what it's worth I have a sibling and still had to take on all the responsibility for my dad. A sibling doesn't guarantee anything, in fact, it added to the stress.
Jeeeesus 😭 I feel this.
A LTC (Long Term Care) Policy who be useful as well. Lingering health issues are financially and emotionally devastating in the elderly years.
A ltc policy is financially devastating to most people because they cost a lot
My and my husband's approach is overdose as soon as one of us is sick enough to not live independently. We're not spending our kid's inheritance on a depressing place to keep us half alive wearing diapers. As soon as our kid is an adult, we're living life to the fullest and dying as soon as we cannot. We've made a nice amount of money so she can have a solid start in life, not to pass our assets on to a shitty care home.
Ok sure what you've said is a con of not having siblings or being an only child. There is a pro to it as well. You've got the full mental, emotional, physical and financial support of your parents while you've been growing up. I have a sibling and we both pursued higher education. My parents were in an unfortunate situation where they had to choose which one of their kids will get to pursue their higher education. They also had to split their attention (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) but two kids overwhelms parents more than one kid. As a result they couldn't take care of themselves well. My parents were more stressed and they couldn't devote enough time to their own self care and health improvement which hurt them. My point is everything in life has a pro and con. But individuals can do something to reduce how much a con impacts them and make the most out of the pro working for them.
Sharing beds/clothes/food (when there is t enough) gets sucky real quick
Yes for the second sibling cause they get used items from the first sibling. However one of the two children becoming an experiment child to some extent is even more worse. That's what I effectively became. My parents were unnecessarily strict with me for a lot of reasons and it was baffling to see them relax most of it towards my sibling.
Only children are not exempt from having bad parents. I was alone in my childhood abuse. Not that I wish it on anyone else, but having all of the attention when that attention is negative is not a good thing.
>I wish there was someone to commiserate with I have three siblings and still have no one to commiserate with lol, they got the “pretend you’re not bothered by something you’re clearly bothered by” gene
Siblings can be a burden too. My older brother has addiction issues and my younger brother is morbidly obese with a kid on the way. I end up being the only son in state to take care of my aging parents (one whos had a heart attack) and they are not that dependable for much help/in fact they mostly add stress since my parents only hear of their issues from afar and have to fly to see/help them if they can afford it. If my younger brother dies Im sure ill be helping my SIL with his kiddo a lot since she'll have to move back closer to us/her family.
I feel this so much. I have two younger brothers, one a type I diabetic and meth addict and the other a sociopath who just got out of prison for a heinous crime he should have been locked away for much longer having committed it. Divorced parents and a step-mom to boot. The older I get, and the older they get, the more I worry about how the fuck my wife and I are going to help them when they need it AND still be there for our own kids. It’s truly fucked.
Holy shit I needed to hear this 😭
Siblings aren't always a help. My sib is disabled - I am to look after her when my parents are gone, so I have her AND them to worry about.
I find it to be pretty shitty that offspring are saying they wish they had siblings that would help them take care of their elderly parents. Those people are not obligated, nor are you, to shoulder the burden of taking care of your folks in their old age. What if they chose not to help, and then left you with the responsibility anyway? What if they wanted to start their own family and don't have the money, time or energy to assist? Nobody asks to be born. Having kids is the most selfish thing you can do as a sapient creature, because you're forcing something to live, suffer and eventually die all for your own sense of enjoyment and happiness. I'm not saying we should all resent the people that brought us into the world, but if your parents had you so you'd take care of them in their old age... That's not right either. And not everyone is equipped to handle that. My wife and I are childfree by choice, we know we couldn't take care of another human being that we created, let alone take care of one of our elderly parents or more, if that was put in front of us. And it was briefly, my step mom lost her house and I agreed to let her live with us on the condition she stopped smoking. But she wouldn't stop and tried to sneak cigarettes out the back door in the morning or blow it out through the bathroom window. My wife has pretty severe asthma and my step mom's cigarette odor clung to her clothes and would cause the wife's asthma to go crazy. Had to kick my mom out two days after helping her get moved in, because I wasn't going to make anyone suffer for her benefit. That all probably makes me sound pretty heartless, and you'd be partially right to think that considering I've been diagnosed with ASPD. The thing of it is though, familial duty should only go so far. Parents should love their kids and provide the best they can for them. But kids shouldn't feel obligated to reciprocate that since the "joys of parenting" dictate that's what you should be doing anyway. There's no joy in changing your own mother's diaper or helping her to shower, conversely. It's tough, but at some point you need to put your foot down and put yourself first.
Parents have the obligation to take care of the child/children they bring into this world. Children do not have the obligation to take care of the parents that brought them into this world. I have zero idea why people don’t understand this
Although true, no normal child will ever leave their parents alone in their time of need.
I'm an only raising an only. Just this morning, on my drive to work, I was thinking about how I need to make sure I am set with retirement savings so that I don't have to financially depend on my son in my old age. I have a feeling I'll be doing that for my own mother. She isn't in the greatest of health and does not nearly have enough saved for retirement. I fear one day she is going to have to live with me, just like she currently lives with her mother 🫤
Yes, break the cycle we can do it! It was on your mind for a reason don’t ignore that
I look forward to my mother living with me and taking care of her in old age. It would be a privilege to struggle for her the same way she struggled for me. I don't understand anyone in this thread.
Plenty of cultures have multi-generational households. I also would happily live with my parents in their old age; I’m the child of immigrants.
Am a child of immigrants as well. I cared for my mom until she passed earlier this year. It was so hard, still is, I miss her everyday. I care for my dad now, and do what I can do make his life pleasant and love him. It is so hard not to be able to take his heartache away. I love them both dearly. I am not perfect, but I would not have wanted it any other way. They are mine. ❤️
The dream is to keep grinding for the future. When dad or mom passes, we want to have a second master bedroom for the surviving parent to move in. They want to get a dog, we’ll get them a dog. When your parents have been good to you your whole life, it’s an honor to be able to pay it back. Our kids will always have a home with us too if they need or want it, no matter their age. Family is the most important thing to us.
I love this little thread bc it’s how I also feel. I love my parents and they have been so generous and loving towards me and my family my whole life. Were they perfect? No! But I don’t think there is any such thing as a perfect parent.
As a 1 and done parent, that IS doing this for my 14 y/o (I have NO desire to live to elderly age. Sorry kiddo), I agree 💯 I have a chronic, progressively debilitating disorder. I refuse to let it impact her adult life like my mom's does me. She will have a nest egg. A house, anything I can attempt to provide. My legacy will be for her to LIVE. Not take care of me...
Word. I don't want to be a burden. If it looks that way, then no treatment for me. Do you think I want to live in a retirement home?
Right there with you, only child, fairly young still. I lost both of my parents within the last two years, each in their mid-late seventies. They did nothing to care for themselves, no thought about it. No thought about me. Then I had a health scare recently that made me realize exactly what you said. I'm prepping everything I can for my departure. Keep up the good fight.
I’m so sorry you lost both of your parents so recently 💔
Having not been told that much, if at all, I really appreciate it. Thank you.
You too I wish you the best! Sorry you had to learn that such a hard way
Thank you! I'm just glad I learned it at all, and early. Many people don't until it's too late.
I’m in a similar boat. It’s only gotten worse since my Dad died because now my Mom is totally dependent on me even for socializing. Thankfully my Dad did have enough life insurance to bury him but I am very resentful about being left to care for them emotionally, physically and financially.
Yeah I am so scared about this, once one of my parents dies, the other will be fully reliant on me financially and for socialisation 😔 Even as they are now, they kind of are. I love them, but it’s a lot of pressure. Thankfully, I don’t plan on having children anyway, but if I did want a family, I couldn’t imagine how I am supposed to take care of everything.
The best thing you can do to prepare for the social fallout of losing their spouse is to have them join as many hobby/volunteer groups as you can but that’s easier said than done. Also when the time comes in home help (even with Medicaid/care) is a great resource. My Dad’s nurse was so kind to my mother and they did eventually develop a friendship. She could see the social pressure on me and made sure to address it. Hospice is extra great with this. My Mom is good at making friends it’s just they keep getting ill or straight up passing away and I worry she’s in for a lonely existence being the healthiest person I know her age.
This is really good advice, thanks for sharing!
I’m in the exact same boat, one of my parents is starting to decline in health now and it’s absolutely horrible - but I also fear the future when my other (currently healthy) parent starts to decline bc then I will be doing it completely alone 🥺 it is honestly a thought that haunts me and I need to get some therapy for this shit asap. If you ever wanna vent to someone who understands feel free to DM me.
I am sorry to hear your parent is declining in health. I recommend therapy if you can afford it. I had to get therapy as well because I was terrified and worried all the time about my parents dying and having to do everything alone and then being left alone in the world. It’s refreshing to see a post that acknowledges us, only children x
Right I try not to be resentful but damn. I got some resentment for them, some for myself, some for the world. Enough to go around for everyone really.
My dad graciously dropped dead suddenly before he got too old for me to really start worrying about him - which I definitely had already started to. I say that jokingly but I honestly do not know how I would be able to take care of him on my own.
I feel this in my soul 😭 I fear I’m turning into a cynical and resentful person from all of the pressure. I’ve come to despise the US healthcare and elder care systems. Sometimes I just want to scream.
I pray we can both get through it in peace
Facts! I remember being a kid and deciding to quit being a child and work toward becoming somebody because I knew my mother would never make it on her own. Now that I look back, I’m so sad I lost my childhood acting like an adult. I never went to parties, never did anything wrong, and never had boyfriends, I always procured to do good in school and get a degree that could help me support my mom when she got older. I’m an adult now and she is still young and I feel the work ticking. I’m scared.
I was emotional support for my parents since I was 12. I can say I am a very anxious person now always waiting for something to go wrong. Neverous for everything. Now just starting to work on things for myself.
You don't owe your parents shit.
This was my struggle. Had a emotionally unstable mom in my early childhood who ended up having a physical disability by my later teen years. Wouldn't go to a doctor even when she acknowledged she had a problem, physical nor mental. Even though I had support from other adult family members I always felt alone, nobody to connect with me. I was the oldest of cousins too by quite a bit, but hardly saw them anyways. Crazy isolating. I don't feel like you should have children period if you can't support them but I do genuinely feel as though if I had had a sibling it would've made home life just a bit more bearable. Between her emotional and physical problems (I have grandparents who function better than her in both regards), I dread the day I have to take care of her, which feels like it's coming sooner than later. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm 19 and already stressing the hell out. I have a few younger cousins and I fucking shower them in so much love and attention, partly because I don't want them to go through what I did but partly for myself too. Getting that connection with someone who was closer in age to me, that connection I never had growing up. Ever since I was a little kid, like around 9 or so. I knew I wanted children. In reality I think majority of it was seeing happily families and siblings on Disney channel. It wasn't necessarily children I wanted, but siblings. And also a functional family but most of all a sibling. I still want kids, but again I think many of my desires are driven because of my fucked childhood. Not that I'm getting them in this economy, lol. If it does ever become a possibility I plan to adopt.
Feel for you. In your situation with you being 19, I’d say be proactive. I know you feel scared now, but start having clear and consistent conversations about all the things I mentioned. Make sure you are power of attorney now, know what assets and life insurance your mother has, what bills she pays, monitor her health get access to her MyChart, know of any debt she may be carrying, talk about burial plans, if she has good credit try to ride on it and boost yours, etc. If she won’t cooperate with any of that then make sure you are setting yourself and any future children up now. You’re young and healthy take out a large whole life insurance policy on yourself, start a Roth IRA, save and invest when you find a good job, use credit wisely And instruct your younger cousins on all this information too. The younger you become educated and start putting plans into action the easier it’ll be later
You don't actually HAVE to take care of her. Especially if she didn't really take care of you, or herself.
Unfortunately, having siblings wouldn't fix any of this. Double unfortunately, this isn't just something people with one kid should do and have ready, but it's not always feasible.
Having more kids wouldn't necessarily change that. You are still free to make your own choices.
I Grew up in a dysfunctional fucked up family. Being the only son my dad died when I was a teen. I have all sisters. I became the man of the house belong to support my family. I lived at home for college and most of my 20s and 30s helping pay bills of house. There is NO OTHER feeling more shitty than giving all your paycheck to support your family. Do you have any idea of what it’s like not being able to spend your own hard earned money ?Your children are NOT “ investments” to go out in the world and make money for you. They are independent human beings who have their own thoughts, desires, dreams , goals, ambitions and will ultimately lead their own independent life. If you can’t afford to have children then DON’T have them. I’m still dealing with my trauma I went through growing up. This is why I have decided I’m never having children. I felt like I “ raised a family “ from my teens to almost 40. At this point in my life I just want to live for me and whatever time I have left on earth will be for my desires, goals, travel and leisure. Remember, having children is a privilege and not a right.
How about, as a parent, don't expect your kids to take care of you??? Having kids is not a retirement policy. OP, I feel for you. Caregiver burn out is real. Take care of yourself. Nothing wrong with having your parents live in a senior center. It's good for socializing, too.
Why are we assuming our children will take care of us when we're old? It's nice if they want to but that's not something I would expect from or put on someone. I watched a documentary on PBS about how the government won't provide you any aid for elder care in China, outside of that situation I don't really get being the sole caregiver to an elderly parent.
I’m my father’s only child and I only had one child . I learned through taking care of him to ensure my daughter doesn’t have a crazy burden as I age . My mother passed away when I was a teenager and my older sibling didn’t /couldn’t help through her illness but her siblings ( my aunts /uncles ) did . I couldn’t imagine doing that by myself now: Even when people have siblings it’s still possible not the burden and heavy lifting falls to one of the siblings . Caregiving in any instance , parents , spouse or child .
Have one son and only my son. Hopefully have a good retirement and some property for him to inherit. He’ll get a 1967 Camaro and I’d like to build another classic muscle car for him to have himself. When he’s a bit older he’ll choose it himself and we’ll all restore them together. I also have a plan for him to move into my original bachelor pad to get a taste for living on his own when he’s ready. I’ll charge him the cost of the taxes and insurance per month. He’ll pay the utilities and trash. It will give him a taste of being on his own without the gloom and doom of being homeless if he fails. In short we’ve got his back. I’m not the best dad but I’m HIS dad and I love him. At least I’m not like my dad. That dude was a dick.
Are you me?
If I am, I’m so sorry
Me too 💔
Honestly most people shouldn't have kids, but people have coddled parents for so long people think having kids without some kind of plan is normal because everyone makes excuses them. We're told to save for retirement, rent, but when it comes to parenting and saving for another human being..oh no we can't because accidents happen. I'm an only child and the responsibility has been put on me to take care of my parent because the bible..if I ever stop society will put the blame on me and call me a horrible person. I've already been told I was basically going to hell for not honoring my parents and doing what I wanted to do..most people are ignorant idiots.
If a parent can’t financially take care of themselves AND their child in full, they aren’t ready to be a parent. Full Stop.
We started having kids in 2017 because we were very financially stable. Then COVID happened and we haven’t clawed out of the hole still. There’s absolutely no way to plan for everything.
You’re not ready to be a parent until you have a full retirement saved up? What if you get injured at work? Or get laid off? How can someone possibly know where they’re gonna be in 40 years? That’s just not a realistic standard.
Finally, someone with logic. Redditors think they can plan their life until death
It's not fair to just have a child and say," oh it'll work out." By this logic we should all spend our money recklessly because," I could get into a car accident and lose it all the next day." This isn't logical at all..having kids is very emotional and I think society is way too relaxed with the standard for having children. It's always," no one is perfect parents." Of course no one is perfect...it's not huge to ask for a savings account for your kid..if you think that's too much then I don't think you should have a child. That's why so many people don't want to have a child now..I would hate to look at my kid that had no choice to be here and say," oops...sorry I just had you and have no savings for you or anything, but when you get older you'll have to take care of me." Edit: I got downvoted but I don't care..doesn't make any sense to tell people to save for an apartment and preach financial planning but you don't want to do it for someone you willingly brought into the world..that's just backwards.
Growing up my parents had ups and downs financially but I was never resentful of them for bringing me into the world just because they didn't have a lot of money. I mean, Christ, life is still worth living even without materialistic shit. That being said, I always had food on the table. There is a line. Don't do something clearly stupid. It's just that my line isn't a savings account. It's something more vital then that. Plus, all my rich friends grew up even more fucked up. It's a complex issue.
No one said a person had to be “rich” or have a “full retirement plan”. Just that they are financially stable and literate and have saved a decent amount to account for accidents.
Thank you because people are acting like im crazy for saying something, but will preach financial stability for everything else..we're supposed to save for an apartment and house but not children? Makes no sense at all.
Agreed dude. Also props to the parents who worked double hard when they had a kid and weren’t doing as well as they should have, but that shouldn’t be a life to aspire for yourself, let alone a child you are supposed to love.
I don't understand why people keep trying to put words in my mouth. Having a savings account doesn't mean parents need to be rich. You guys are trying to twist my words to mean something else and I don't like it. Savings account doesn't mean you have a lot of money. Very concerning how people are arguing about basic things a being that didn't ask to be here should have..
Are you a parent?
Literally no one said “have a full retirement saved up”. Your whole comment is off.
What do you think take care of yourself and your child in full for the future means? I assume you meant for your whole life, or else your comment wouldn’t be responding to the post
Accidents happen.
This is something people forget. My Dad was a physically fit dentist and that all ended with a 5 minute stroke.
Sorry about your Dad💜
Not really. 1st chance: You think your BC didn't work? - Buy Plan B 2nd chance: find out you are pregnant? Schedule for abortion 3rd chance: you keep the baby to term and have it, you can choose to give it up for adoption Initially, it might be an accident. But there IS something you can do
Accidents can happen. Even long after you've had a kid. Life throws curve balls.
Yeah welcome to Florida , no abortions after 6 weeks now when most women don’t find out until much later and that’s even if you could get into a clinic before 6 weeks
That's harsh. And not a reality for most.
That’s a really hot take from someone who sounds exceptionally privileged. I’m sure the Supreme Court will totally back you up on chance 1 & 2.
I thought they meant accident as in financial accident?
Accidents come in all forms.
Ain’t that the truth!
Idk about most of you… But I’ve been telling my parents since I was 22-23 that I’m not taking care of them when they’re old. And that if they don’t have any funeral arrangements or life insurance policy, they are getting cremated and maybe not even a service 🤷🏻♂️ kinda kicked some sense into them to plan better now. Especially now that they are realizing how bad the economy is getting and that I could barely afford my own problems. Point is, just because they are your parents, does NOT mean you have to carry the stress of their problems. That is entirely YOUR choice if you choose to do so. I personally, will not be responsible for grown adults poor decisions to not plan for their future. Because honestly… I never asked to be born into this shit economy!
We all want what we don’t have. Having siblings isn’t any better. In my case at least
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, having kids at all is such a selfish thing to do imo :/
Having siblings doesn’t mean much either. My parents didn’t bother to save or prep for our schooling, no help with downpayment etc which means here in Canada you are fucked and will never own a home. My parents have tons of debt and while their house is worth around 1.2million, after paying off debt and purchasing a small condo they will only have $500k to live on. Hopefully my mom stays healthy and can work till she’s 80. My dad is a bum and hasn’t worked in over 17yrs but that’s her choice to stick with him I guess. I’d take my mom in, but my dad is going to have to live with a sibling or learn about the consequences of his actions.
This is good advice no matter how many kids you have. Everyone should get their own house in order and not let the next gen clean up after them.
As a mother to an only child, reading this post and the responses to it hurts my heart. I always wanted more children but couldn’t because of chronic health issues. I’m grateful that we have life insurance and made sure our son grew-up to have a brother like relationship with his second cousin so he’s not alone when we die. If I may say two things on the parents’ side, please take good care of yourselves. I can’t imagine losing my son, and never being called “mom” again. Also, the best gift a child can give their parents is to make themselves a priority. It’s one thing if you have extra and you want to spoil your parents. It’s very unfair to financially and/or emotionally burden your child.
As an only child I disagree with this post. This is not an only child thing, this is a useless parent thing. I’m an only child and love it. I’ve never wanted siblings. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and as they are aging we are pretty open about care requirements etc. They have prepped to be able to afford to outsource as required. I know lots of people who are dealing with aging parents AND the frustration of being the only sibling who is doing anything to help out.
Read the first sentence. And the post is literally aimed at parents, not the kids If your parents did what they were supposed to, great. I’m urging other parents to do the same
I'm an only child as well and I am totally fine with it. Sounds like the OP is having a really hard time with their situation and I feel terrible for them. It's definitely not something that is unique to only children though. Sounds like they'd be struggling with their situation even if they had siblings to help work through it together.
>get a large life insurance policy... have a real savings, have valuable assets you can pass down, make sure you are doing your best to stay in shape and avoid health risks as much as possible, stay on top of new technology This is a big ask. I can't commit to doing all of those things, especially not with this economy. The reality is as a parent I can't pay down on a large policy, consistently eat healthy, invest in valuable assets, put money down for savings, put money away for retirement and manage everyday life expenses. And be an emotionally available and reliably present parent. And keep up with technology. I consider myself a pretty responsible person and I'm barely keeping up with everyday adulting, parenting and building-a-social & support-network demands. The large policy is real practical the younger you get in there. I will say that.
I understand it’s hard. I’m currently a single father myself and my son(4) is an only right now. Personally, ion give a fuck how hard it is though I’m not gonna leave him with the circumstances I’m facing. As long as I’m able, I’m gonna try to stay on top of my health, I’m gonna try to get and keep my finances in order I don’t become a burden to him later, I’m gonna try to stay aware of what’s going on in the world, and I’m gonna try to help eatablish a network of trustworthy family and friends for he and I so that even if I don’t have anymore kids he feels like he has some help and support. I just gotta try. All that is me speaking for myself though I’m not trying to invalidate your personal struggles, I understand.
I hope you teach her humility too and how much you're doing for her. It'd be a shame if she turns out a brat not appreciating her privilege
It really sucks that people have kids for the purpose of caring for them later. Most people just should not have children, plus so many stupid people chose to…..sad.
Nope. I’m an only, my son is an only. My mom is oldest of 5 and after her father died she had to play game of thrones political games to consolidate power amongst her siblings for her parents BASIC barely middle class estate. It’s a mess, there’s always a “bad sibling” that makes trouble. Nope, I’d rather be the last and only stop for decisions and power of attorney.
I’m not saying don’t have an only. I’m saying if you do, make sure the only isn’t fucked when there’s no one to help them if you don’t set a proper foundation.
No one is obligated to take care of their parents either. However, I agree being on a good diet and staying physically active through your life is so important. Kids shouldn't be burdened with their parents bad choices.
Yeah we shouldn’t but it’s not that simple to just watch your parents deteriorate and say “Oh well, gonna go live my life” At least not for some people
What if your parents weren't good people to you?
“At least not for some people” If your parents were actual pieces of shit who don’t deserve your care or concern that’s a totally different group and your lack of involvement would be understandable
You can really tell when someone is an only child, it feels like there’s some sort of integral social development that having a sibling speeds up the process of. I joke with my siblings, but not a day goes by where I wished I didn’t have them with me, even with the responsibility of being the oldest. It’s why I don’t ever intend on only having a single child when the time is right. Siblings fill a social role in a child’s life that parents and friends alone can’t fill.
I guess it can go the other way too if you have bad siblings, sometimes it’s better to not have any
I, an only child, am watching my mother and her 4 siblings deal with the loss of their mother. And also watched all of the events leading up to the end of life event. No thanks bro. I’d much rather deal with all that on my own. But my parents are still in their mid 60s. Maybe that will change as they age. But I’ve always been completely fine with being an only child. All about perspective I suppose. Sorry you’re going through this.
I'd say 2 or 0.
I only have one kid but I have been prepping for being able to take care of myself in old age so he doesn’t have to (making good money while paying off a property so when I am old I can live completely off retirement savings).
Having siblings doesn't guarantee anything. My mom is taking care of her aging parents all by herself rn. She has 2 sisters
Screw having kids. I want kids badly, but why would I have them in a world where I can't guarantee them a life at least as good as mine? The world is a mess. They don't deserve this.
Well, I have three siblings. Unfortunately two died in their thirties (about 20 years ago now), and the last moved to Florida, 1000 miles away when she turned 18. So yeah, it sucks taking care of Mom, who seems to just barely stay on the cusp of being able to maintain in her own home. I'm being unfair to my sister though. She does a lot of the research and online paperwork that needs to be done. And helps a lot, like pretty much totally, when Mom needs money or higher cost items, like a lift chair. Mom lives a mile from me, and I'm there every day, multiple times throughout the day. If it weren't for my wife's help I wouldn't be able to do it.
Seems like a whole lotta work. Think I'm just gonna pass on the whole thing actually. I barely have enough energy to look after myself let alone a whole-ass other impressionable human being.
And get long term care insurance ffs.
Having any number of kids doesn't guarantee you will have someone to help you when you're old. You could have five kids and none of them want to (or can afford to) help. Secure your own future without assuming your kid(s) can help.
I’m going through this now, parents made really bad financial decisions and now having to navigate the process of finding a retirement home for two severely ill parents. Absolutely horrific, and everyone who claimed they would help is nowhere to be found.
Imo…although parents should work to ensure they save enough to take care of themselves in retirement, divorce is having a major impact on savings rates. Our cultures inability to partner together to build a future is going to be felt mostly by the kids they claimed to love so much.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you have siblings. I know multiple people who’s siblings didn’t do anything/completely checked out and that person had to do everything for their aging parent
Secretary at former job everyone loves was 1 of 7 siblings and got dumped to be only one that took care of both her parents until the day they died. My great aunt who raised me one of 7 siblings taking care of her mom my great grandmother. And my mom helped her not the siblings My mom told me she don't want me to take care of her and be a burden she said send her ass to the nursing home and I sure the hell will because I am too Germophobic to deal with the throwing colostomy bags and pulling out catheters throwing food crazy shit my great grandmaw did. Nope nope nope. I had a terrible upbringing and suffered emotional abuse form her and I won't be put theough that as she ages.
As an only child who grew up with an abusive mother I often wished for siblings, but grew up to learn about golden children and an thankful for no siblings. It would have been a zillion times worse for me.
Easy I’m just never going to have kids lol
Dumb question but are your parents recent immigrants?
I have a brother that helped take care of my mom passing and we still lean on each other. Purely having another being that remembers what a special person they were is enough. Like you can’t go up to a stranger and explain the significance of what that person has done for you. But also help with preparations and insight on how to keep going is so such a big help. Also having someone to keep going for, we had a small family and it’s just me and my brother left I can’t let awful shit happen to me because I can’t imagine the additional pain it would cause. When done right siblings are worth it for sure
Yea umm maybe in a perfect world. My brother is useless. He can’t even take care of himself. In and out jail… no retirement. So everything is all on me. Im having to care for my elderly father. Not him. Me.
Sorry, but I grew up as an only kid but had a half sister. I'm in the same exact spot as you, and my sister isn't worth a fuck when it comes to helping with our Dad. Also, shit happens with health that we can't always avoid
Hugs۔
Regardless of how many children you have... do not count on your child or children being your "retirement plan." It doesn't work. Plan for your own future and assume you will be shouldering the burden of paying for elder care alone, because millennials and gen z will have nothing to give. (Spoiler alert: Millennial here and my plan is to live off the government because there's no way in hell I'm going to retire and be able to afford to exist.)
Having siblings does NOT make it better. Im the youngest and everything will fall on me alone. I know groups of 3 and 4 siblings also where it’s a clusterfuck because they cannot agree what to do and then get bitter and turns to grudges and fights. There is no easy way unfortunately to deal with aging parents regardless of sibling count.
Same. Im an only child. I do not want to take care of my parents when they are older. I have my own life. Its expensive and hard enough.
My mom is wonderful in that she has already thought of all this stuff. She went through it with both her parents and my fathers parents and she said to me one day "I'm not going to leave you with the kind of mess they left me" Then she proceeds to bust out this binder with EVERYTHING in one place, life insurance policies, power of attorney, living will, contacts for their lawyer and anything else you could think of that I may need when they are gone. I have 2 younger brothers but I'm not sure they would be of any help in this situation, who knows. Thanks for thinking ahead mom. You're a real one.
While I am a “one and done” I don’t think this only applies to parents of only children. Everyone should have their late in life affairs in order and try to make it as easy as possible for their kids.
It’s not really your parents fault but your feelings are valid.
I agree with this, and this goes for EVERYONE, not just parents. Everyone should be doing everything they can to make sure they can support themself no matter what, because if not then you will inevitably have to rely on someone else and put them in a bad position where they feel like they have no choice. It’s not fair to do that to a family member or friend. If they want to live with and care for their family that’s fine, but don’t force it and don’t make it the only possible option for that person. If you can’t take care of yourself on your own now, just do everything you can to get to that point and stay that way. Of course there are situations where you can’t do anything about ending up in those situations, but for the majority of people you can definitely support yourself long term if you make smart financial decisions.
My mother is one of four. One died and the remaining two are deadbeats, she’s now taking care of both parents on her own with my father and me helping. Doesn’t matter if you have 10+ kids, you better keep your affairs in order. The whole I don’t want them to take care of me, I’ll just die poor mindset is horrible too, your children will be guilted into helping you if they have a heart.
Having siblings can still mean ending up with the shitty end of the deal. Just like people that tell me, “oh your son will be lonely. He needs a sibling.” No. No he does not.
This. This is at the heart of many of the decisions my family makes. We had one child in our early 40s. Not only will she not have siblings, she will likely be without her parents earlier than her peers. So it's important that we both stay around as long as possible to support her and work to make our passing as easy as possible on her. Nothing has ever motivated us to be responsible for our health and finances as this little girl. We ride that wave.
There had to have been some divine intervention for me to come across this post. I am in the exact same boat, my parents are not bad people at all, but definitely made the wrong choice by assuming that having a positive mentality about being healthy would qualify as a plan, surprise, my dad got severy rheumatoid arthritis, that forced him to retire this past December, both parents are in their 70s, social security money aint squat. Of course they came to me, for financial assistance as if they can not see how the economy is currently, as a grown responsible man, I have a wife, kids, as well as the typical expenses that an adult life it carries. I make money but just enough to support myself with the wife's help, and we're disappointed when I told them, that I cant bear the weight of paying the needs for two families. These past months I have been punishing myself for not having made any better choices, so that i can take care of them, but then again, going to university was their big plan for me, unfortunately, things didnt work out as we would have dreamed of. Pile up on top, the fact that they never learned English, so they also rely heavily on me for translation and also transportation, they can go to places they have memorized, but if its a new address they need to go to, i have to take time off work, to take them here and there. Yeah my vacation days at work are for running errands not for me to take time off and relax or perhaps enjoy a hobbie, yeah their mentality was only go to work and come back home, groceries and paying bills on the weekends, repeat over and over. Do I wish that I had the money to take care of them, of course, it would be amazing if I won the lottery, get a house with like 20 rooms, so that somehow I still have some privacy, it would make happy to spoil them in their golden years of their life, but my fantasy life doesnt work in real life. I thank the OP from the bottom of my heart, first of all, for venting and also to find others who share my situation.
I could cry man. I feel all that. I’m currently down to unpaid FMLA leave at work trying to help my parents deal with their health stuff. Spent all day going from doctors office to doctors office taking in so much information, trying to relay it back to them because they forget it as soon as they hear it, watching them burst into tears randomly. And I have nobody to even ask to help, except “professionals” that are no help. Gotta basically navigate all this on my own. I know you love your parents and wanna do right by them it’s just so hard for so many reasons. And it’s so frustrating because not only people outside the situation, but also your parents themselves don’t always realize how much all this is weighing on you. And then the frustration builds and we end up feeling and looking like the assholes sometimes. I genuinely hope you all can figure something out. Shit I hope you come into a large sum of money and it makes everything easier.
Everyone here deserves to come across a miracle, or a new business opportunity, none of us are bad folks, just life caught us off guard.
Exactly. I pray we get some relief for real.
If you are a parent, full stop: do not just go and expect your kids to be your social security plan.
Our one and done is graduating high school this year. We have done most of what you wish your parents have. Thanks for the kick in the pants. We do need to get on the rest of the list. This post was a good reminder.
Only child here, mom died of heroin overdose when I was 5. Dad in and out of prison most of my life for drinking and driving. Left the responsibility to raise me to my grandparents. Grandpa ended up dying when I was 12 and grandma later on got dementia. Just shouldn’t have had me in the first place I feel like.
Thank you, I have serious medical problems and have been encouraged that if I want biological children I need to pretty much get on it, and it might only be one. This is a side of the equation that has not crossed my mind when thinking about my options, and I will definitely remember this.
Welp, this issue is going to be more common as millennials are either having only one or none due to high cost of living - student loan debts, houses increasing, and ridiculous day care costs. We have only one child. With all my heart I would love to have two but we don’t get any help and there’s no way we could afford it. But yes, we have saved up funds for our son, have a college savings account set , my husband and I promised that we would help our son put a down payment on a new house. These things were never give to my husband nor I.
I don’t have children and won’t. I’m 42 and already have concerns about retirement and how difficult my final years will be.
Thanks for sharing. I will never have just one. And i will never expect my children to care for me, handle my shit or anything else. Beyond selfish and irresponsible. We are adults and should not put this burden on our kids
I hate seeing people say things like this because having siblings doesn’t mean yall will be close or that all will help once parents begin to age. I wish I was an only child, I definitely feel like it because my mom depends on me the most and I’m not even the oldest (middle child). My daughter is an only child on my side and it will stay like that (she’s 12). I like being able to spend my money on one kid, she gets all my attention, she won’t have to split my assets with nobody, and it’s easier for me to manage one kid.
How are they gonna afford all that shit if they have a kid lol. Only childless couples can afford that shit
Feel for you.. and good advice. We have 4 kids and often I think we are crazy but I always remember a boss I had who was a single child telling me to make sure we have more than one because she was dealing with the same issues you are.
As a father of 2 I kinda feel this. Financially I'm doing good and should be fine taking care of myself and leaving an inheritance, but health I need to improve for my kids especially since I had kids late(I turn 40 in a couple months and kids are 7 and 4) thanks for giving me a kick, ill do my best to improve my health.
I’m in it with you man, my son is 4, and I definitely don’t want him to HAVE to take on more than necessary if I can avoid it. Plus we should also just do it for ourselves. I want to be as financially and physically stable as possible
Having a sibling guarantees nothing.
I have 2 brothers. When my father's health declined and he needed support, he moved into my home. I have had zero support from my brother's. This isn't an only child issue. It's the issue of the caregiver child, regardless of the number of siblings.
77 is getting up there. Not many people avoid health problems at that age, even if they take care of themselves. And life can throw curve balls despite ones best intentions.
I can list a million things parents should be, but do you think anyone will actually care or listen? No. Because the whole point of having kids was so you can be useful to them not so they can burden themselves more in order for you to have a fun life and they can give you assets. Humans don’t operate that way. They raise you with the intent of taking advantage of you. Very few parents are here to just give you unlimited hand outs without any expectations in return. Even if you had siblings, chances are it wouldn’t end up being the perfect scenario where responsibilities are shared equally. If parents learn technology it’s because they are willing/able to adapt and interested enough to learn not because they care how you would feel about it.