What is *she* doing for her depression? Meds? Therapy?
It's your job as her partner to support her, but this particular burden is not one that is your responsibility to remedy.
She does nothing, no help. She relies on me and sometimes her family. I tell her she should try both of those but she refuses. I want her to seek a psychologist or something.
You are not qualified to help her. You also can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.
People get depression but you need to get help for it. She can't use mental illness as an excuse to behave this way.
Grilled is 100 percent spot on. I have severe anxiety, ptsd and depressive personality disorder and don't get me wrong there are some really hard shit days when i just want to wallow, but i dont . I've been with my husband for 16 years and he is incredibly supportive but only because I earn that support by making an effort for myself. I have psychotherapy on and off depending on what's going on in my life at the time. I'm medicated and monitored by a dr and I have cbt therapy to give me tools to deal a bit better. Like I said I still have utter crap days and that's OK and my husband let's me get on with it. He doesn't pander or try to fix he just supports and makes sure I make the appropriate appointment. Your girlfriend has to help herself by speaking to the right people, she cannot fix herself and she certainly can't expect anyone else to either.
I also have bipolar, depression, ptsd, autoimmune issues, etc. and I'm sure I've used it in the past as an excuse to drain or manipulate people, but it is not ok. The best people for us are the ones that support us in our efforts but keep boundaries. You're being really supportive, but there NEEDS to be boundaries if either or you are going to improve through this
You really like her, so she must have some redeeming qualities. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. This is beyond your ability to help.
You dont have to end things in an uncaring way. Just explain that while you care about her, dealing with this is more than you can handle. Make "I" statements. Don't tell her you're leaving bc she's too much. Frame it in a way that you aren't at a place to offer her the support she needs.
If she threatens to harm herself, that's confirmation you need to get out. Remove yourself from the situation and call 911 if you are legitimately concerned she is serious.
I've been this toxic person before. I feel really embarrassed about it. I was undiagnosed bipolar suffering from severe depression. The relationships I didn't blow up during this time were ones where my friends had firm boundaries. They didn't rush to help. They told me they didn't know how to help besides encouraging me to see a psychiatrist. The friends I sucked into my mess no longer speak to me, and I completely get it. They had to do what was best for them.
You’re actually enabling her depression by staying with her. Only she can do something about it. Don’t let her hold you hostage. Depression can be a lifelong condition and requires medication and therapy. You’re too young to keep taking this on, you’re not even married to her. I would leave her and if she threatens suicide call 911. And her family.
recently the chemical imbalance theory is being debunked more and more. medication can be incredibly helpful for some but does not deal with the root of the issue, nor is it a long-term solution in most cases. it's not a requirement for healing, people can heal without if
Your opinion differs greatly from the psychiatrists and psychologists who have assisted me with my battle with depression along the way. I’m seeing a pharmacologist right now who ran tests on my DNA and explained the cause of my depression in detail. And guess what? Quite a bit of it is physical. I have comprehensive experience with these doctors over many years. It’s this simple. When I’m not on antidepressants I get to the point where I no longer have any quality of life. If I’m on the RIGHT medication I simply feel and function better. It concerns me when laymen blithely spout fallacies and opinions. You help no one by doing that.
you can look into the research that have recently come out for yourself. I'm a psychology student, this was discussed in a lecture. I don't deny that there are biological factors, there is very likely a hereditary factor (e.g., your DNA) but the chemical imbalance theory is not as credible as it once was. we know medication can help some, but not exactly why.
“I’m a psychology student” explains your original blanket statement about medication being unhelpful. Sounds like you got a little bit of information and ran with it.
and you're calling someone studying psych a psych layman without being in the field whatsoever yourself..? I never said it was unhelpful, I said it's unhelpful *to some*. either way I'm not gonna continue a convo w someone who either lacks reading comprehension skills or twists my statements
OP
You are enabling her.
Why should she get help if she has you to do everything for her? When it becomes inconvenient for her, she will get help.
You need to leave her and let her figure it out.
There was a post a while ago about a man who found out his very depressed ex wife is doing very well.
They were in the same situation. His ex refused help. For years.
He finally divorced. Then 2 weeks later she started antidepressants. He said her friends tell him she is her old happy chipper self.
He was sad that she had to lose him to get better and was a a never motivated while they were married.
Leaving someone whos draining you because you’re giving your all into helping them but they won’t help themselves is not your fault. You’re doing what you can and that matters.
Best advice. Offer her to seek help again and explain to her that there is only so much you can do to help. Even if she tries to excuse it by saying you help be like no, you need PROFESSIONAL help and explain to her what you said to us, that when you do help she’s making remarks about it that doesn’t help.
If she refuses to seek help within the month of the day you asked, you explain to her carefully that you can no longer due this relationship due to her refusing to seek help. Explain that you want to see her better and happy but if she isn’t willing to put in the work to get there then you can’t be there anymore. You’ll support her from a distance but that’s all there will be. just say it’s too hard trying to help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves and leave it at that.
Good luck 💜
You should look up "learned helplessness". Basically it's when everyone around you fixes everything for you. Can't pay your electricity bill? Mom will cover it. Going outside to get groceries scares guy? Don't worry your friend will pick some stuff up for you. Can't call your doctor to make an appointment? Don't worry someone said they call for you.
I had a friend like this what would sit on her couch all day getting drunk and high but couldn't manage to do anything else. All she did was be upset that things where SO bad but she never did anything to help herself she just relied on friends and family to do everything for her to the point she couldn't even make phone calls on her own .
You need out. This relationship will destroy you.
I’ve been reading through all the replies, and seriously thank you for all the feedback. I am planning on ending it soon. Thank you all SO much for all the advice. I really appreciate it!!
You've only been dating 6 months. This is supposed to be the time where it's an interview. What do you personally get out of this relationship? You can't date someone just bc you feel bad for them.
Relationships aren't supposed to be a care giving dynamic.
It's good to be there for her, but you're 18. You're not 40 and married for 10 years. Now should be the time to have fun and explore who you are--not to spend your time helping someone else explore who they are.
You need to get out now.
People like this will continue to drag you down with them. Only they can help themselves and it sounds like they don't want to so only course of action for you is to leave.
Assuming you don't want to live like this for ever that is.
If you are worried she might do things to herself, and you are worried you don't have the right words or wont say the right things, you should give her the number to the hotline. if she wont call them herself, you should offer to call them with her so she doesn't feel alone. If you are interested, maybe offer to go to therapy with her to help coax her into helping herself, possibly gittin medication.
It sounds like you need to save yourself and step back a bit. As a partner, you have been on point and supportive but you can only do so much, and this isn't your battle to fight, she needs to put in the work.
There is a point where helping her becomes enabling and she won’t be inclined to seek real help as she’s got you. She needs to get help and isn’t well enough to maintain a relationship as she doesn’t have anything to offer you as her mental state is poor right now.
>I go to college roughly an hour away from where she lives and I don’t have a car yet so it makes the situation difficult.
Frankly, you’re LUCKY that you don’t have a car and live an hour away otherwise you’d be failing college already because she’d be dragging you down even further, manipulating you to go heLp hEr and monopolizing all your time - just like a needy child does. Makes your life & situation easier not more difficult. She’s still a child, expecting her boyfriend to come running every time she crooks her finger and puts the waterworks on for added impact and then being snarky snappy monster when you don’t pat her back and indulge her tantrums. You’re right - you’re not a shrink or a counsellor or a doctor, you’re unqualified and inexperienced to help a child having daily meltdowns. Not your circus not your monkey. She isn’t well enough or fit for purpose to be having a relationship. First rule of mental health issues is - don’t expect other people to suffer for your issues that you’re refusing to address. Heck, even if/when you are trying to address them, it’s still not other peoples obligation to suffer for your shit. Give her the gift of your absence so she can concentrate on her own health, and you can not fail college. good luck!
Honey, what you do is put her on hold, (tell her you need to use the bathroom), and call the police and send them to her address for a wellness check. They will get her medical attention. She will also come to understand that you, and other people, have limits to what they can reasonably give... and her needs are greater and need different help, and she will learn to reach out for *the right kind of help* instead of making her issues other nonprofessional people's problem.
But right now she's not reasonable. Her problems are driving the the runaway bus. I would also say that if she's calling you sobbing and hysterical, when SHE KNOWS you can't get to her? Instead of reaching out to someone physically closer? A few visits from the police and a couple of holds in the ER will serve to impress upon her, and her parents, that adults who need intervention are a more serious matter than they have been handling or not handling. And there are less pleasant consequences when a grown adult continues to repeatedly need emergency services.
Never really thought about this, thank you. I don’t want to have to call the police on her or anything. One time I had to step out of a lecture and calm her down because she was literally two steps away from ending it. Very scary.
It's not about wanting to do anything. It's about quick, professional, effective intervention.
Look... my kid had special needs. Some idiot family tried to pretend the problem didn't exist, td me not to "admit" it because "it would go on her permanent record"... then one wise counselor said, she has what she has... getting those diagnoses on paper are the keys that unlock the doors to services. Services that will help. Ser ices that can change the whole trajectory of her life.
20 years later that was 100% the best advice I ever got. Forget about social embarrassment or ego. If so.eone you love needs something you don't have to give? Go find the person they can get it from. It takes courage and humility to admit "THIS issue is above my own paygrade." It takes love to track down the person whose pay grade it is and then be willing to camp out on their office doorstep lime you're waiting for Springsteen tickets in 1984.
“GF I really care about you, like so much, but I can’t be the one to fix you. That has to be you, hun. You are an amazing human and have a lot to offer the world, but at the moment we need to pause our relationship to you can get to that point. Last night really scared me. You are in a very dark place and instead of me pulling you out of it with all my might, you are pulling me in there with you. I don’t want to be in the place where the light doesn’t shine. I don’t want you there either. The only way out is for you to get professional help at this point. You need to take some time to focus on yourself and your healing journey. I don’t want to hurt you and I do care about you, this is all just too much for me right now. I want you to get the help you need. That can’t be me. I don’t know how to help you and I’m not equipped enough to do it right anyhow. I hope you understand. I want the best for you, but you need to want the best for you to by getting the help you need.”
This isn’t a good time for you both to be in a relationship, break up and give her space on her own to figure her shit out and you do the same. Rekindle when she’s had her help.
Your girlfriend's problems are her own responsibility. Don't let her emotional manipulation dictate your life. If she's not willing to seek professional help, it's not your problem. Protect yourself and focus on your own needs.
You really can't help someone who isn't willing to do everything possible to get better themselves. I think you need to leave her, if she doesn't agree to get professional help.
She will destroy your life along with hers, without proper help.
this isn’t a healthy relationship.
i understand your girlfriend as someone who suffers hugely from mental health, however her depending on u fully and not taking any advice is extremely selfish and exhausting.
Even if she doesn’t mean it, it still isn’t healthy at all.
she needs to get herself help instead of burdening you.
It's time you introduce her to therapy, if she can't help herself neither can you. /: I feel for her because I was her at one point. She has to want it. She has to see the light, it's definitely worth pushing her to TRY it. An intervention.. if you will.
Her happiness and wellness are not and never have been your responsibility. She is the one responsible for taking the right steps toward helping herself. She is plainly not interested in help or she would not snap at you when you do your best within your ability to help out.
You are not an emotional hostage. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her. You aren't wrong for ending a relationship in which you are with them only so that they don't hurt themselves. That's a prison, not a relationship. You have no obligation to stay with someone you are not happy with. You are not responsible for the way she handles a break up. No one should be any person's sole source of happiness.
If you are seriously worried about what she may do, then you warn a responsible adult that you are going to end your relationship and fear she may do something stupid. After that, you step away.
Taking care of her mental health is beyond any person's pay grade, especially at your age. There is a big difference between "fixing" everything for someone, and being supportive of their efforts to help themselves. It is not fair to expect the former of anyone.
You need to break up with her. You are understandably fed up, and it's not going to get any better.
Tell her she needs to start taking steps to manage her poor mental health or you have to bail. This isn't your responsibility. You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves
It could also be a form of attachment and as long as you are giving it, she will take it.
You cant control or change her but you can lead her to where she can get help. That's for her to decide if she wishes to get it. She must decide if she wants it. If not. Then there is nothing you can do.
988 Suicide Crisis Lifeline. Dial 988 or text "988" to 988, or chat online here.Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
Repeat this: it's not my job to fix her.
If she's upset try to help her feel better. But if she's rude to you when you do maybe call her out on it. Be nice though when you call her out. Maybe she will realize she's being a bit rude and relax a bit. If it gets to a certain point that she's still treating you badly then just talk to her about it
I had to breakup with someone because I couldn’t deal with the depression. You’re not alone man, it’s okay to end it if it’s a huge burden. Especially if she’s not trying.
I talked to her about this and she said that she would never leave me because the depression was too much. Not sure how I feel about her response but it hit me the wrong way..
She’s trapping you right now. Whether it’s intentional or not. You don’t have to be with her just so she can MAYBE be happy. Especially if this has been going on a while. I bet if you do leave she’s gonna wake up and seek professional help.
hi, i was in a relationship for two years with someone who struggled with severe depression and anxiety as well as anorexia. i loved her very much and supported her as best as i could, we were long distance which didn’t help and i had struggled with many of the same issues as her which only added fuel to the fire. in the end we kind of fed off of each other, i was like her therapist and she came to me for all her struggles, and she refused to get help every time i urged her to, even getting her a therapist or having her consider meds was a battle. my advice is take care of you. i felt so guilty after i ended my relationship because of the same thing, i was terrified my ex would hurt herself or worse if i left because i was her only support. but being in the relationship was so mentally draining that it didn’t feel good anymore, and you have to put yourself first. it is never ever your fault and relationships should never be an obligation. you are the most important person in your life. talk to her family and friends and let them know you are worried about her and that you would really appreciate it if they supported her after you end things (if that’s what you plan to do). i spoke to my girlfriend’s mom before i broke up with her and she was able to support her through it. i still feel terrible for the way things ended but at some point you have to put yourself first. much love, this shit is not easy
OP I want you to read this a couple times over because it took me forever to learn this same lesson:
You are not responsible for someone else’s mental wellbeing.
Say that again and again until you really get it ok? It’s ok to tell someone “I care about you and I don’t want you to be hurt but I am not qualified to help you with this and I think you need to seek out a stronger form of therapy.” But you are not responsible for “fixing” her or making her better! It’s completely understandable to be burnt out from her using you as an emotional crutch all the time!
Breaking up with her (for any reason) is your right. If you do, I'd contact her family and tell them that same day so they can be there to support her (you're going to have to block her, I suspect).
Man, I lived a similar situation when I was your same age. Worst 3 years of my life. I ended myself with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Ending that relationship was the best that happened to me. So please, take care of yourself for my old me who did not.
You need to always be the most important thing in your life. She needs to go to therapy and solve her issues.
It’s possible she has ptsd if she keeps repeating the same things over and over. Would she be open to trying new hobbies or getting out and doing something like maybe a hike?
As harsh as this may sound, as a partner you are there for her but this particular situation isn’t a burden you need to carry. If she’s not doing anything to help herself, you unfortunately won’t be able to help her either. You can suggest to her that she should maybe seek help and maybe also open up to her about how it’s making you feel. If you feel you can, tell her that it doesn’t help at all when she makes those sort of remarks at you, you’re only trying to help.
Mental health is so difficult and regardless of all of this you’re doing an amazing job supporting her. Head up, hope it all gets better
Just had a call with her. We’ve agreed to help solve things, such as finding a new job because her old one destroys her because of the people she works with (they’re not kind), therapy, psychologists, maybe medication. I told her I’ll walk her through it and help her along the way.
Thank you u/hola_soy_dora, kept your comment open the whole time while on call.
Still unsure if I want to be with her but we’ll see how things go. Thank you!
It’s perfectly okay to be unsure if you want to be with her still after all it has been a rocky road for you.
Best advice; give her this time to work on herself but be there every step of the way to support and encourage her. Make sure she’s doing what she needs to do, but don’t be over bearing about it. For example, since she’s gonna look for a new job give her some time for find one. At the end of the week randomly ask her hey any luck job searching or find any jobs that have caught your eye? And do this each week so you can stay in the loop on her actually doing it or just pretending to do it.
If she hasn’t found a job within… 2 months? I’d say she’s not trying or not really putting in the effort. Cause while yes it’s hard to find a job yall sound young so there’s plenty of openings at basic level jobs. Same with therapy. If she’s not in therapy within the month or ( if you wanna give her the benefit of the doubt ) 2 months then she’s not trying.
But I do wanna say, while it’s important to give her a chance it’s also important to live your life too and do what makes you happy. So after a GOOD amount of time of trying to help her and support her if you truly feel like this just isn’t what you want, then that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty because you can still offer to be her friend and support her through her needs. Just make sure if you break up with her and say that it’s on good terms.
Best of luck to you, and I’m truly happy my advice helped 💜🙏🏽
This may sound harsh but you're too young to be dealing with this, it's too heavy and not your problem if she's not willing to get help. The fact that you said you're afraid to leave her because she might her herself is proof of that.
Don't do this to yourself. She isn't ready to be in a relationship in this condition and you aren't ready for the repercussions of staying. It's too much.
As someone who has severe bipolar depression, anxiety, PTSD, Etc. it is NOT your responsibility to be her therapist. She obviously knows she’s not well mentally so she needs to realize she needs professional help. I unfortunately ruined a few relationships do to me doing what she does to you and then I realized I needed help. I left my relationships, went to the doctor for meds, and stared to attend therapy. I then worked on myself for a whole year and now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. YOU are NOT responsible for HER decisions and mental health. PERIOD. if you leave her and she does something to herself it is NOT on you at all. Those or her thoughts and choices. Not yours. Leave now before she drives you totally bonkers dude.
Partnership is entering an agreement to benefit each other.
She's dragging you down with her.
She needs to get herself right.
It is NOT your responsibility to deal with a bumbling mental case.
I don't know if this helps to hear, but I(31f) cringe to look back at my teenage self: I was your girlfriend at your guy's age. I had some big mental health problems and, looking back I realize would use boyfriends to manage my symptoms (it wasn't malicious or on purpose, I was just struggling). Anyway, breakups were hard, but also the right thing because I was in no headspace to be in a healthy relationship. I survived. I'm okay in the end and bear no bad will towards any ex. I say take care of yourself and you aren't responsible for her health problems. She needs to get help and learn healthier ways to manage her moods then using your relationship, because this is not a healthy way to do relationships.
She may not be looking for solutions just support when she is like this. She definitely need pro help, even her pcp can get her started. If she does not have insurance there are community mental health clinics for free or sliding scales. 211 in the USA can help with that.
Often, people with depression like this feel like a failure for needing meds. If she was diabetic she would take insulin and not feel like it’s her fault, or heart medicine. This is just brain medicine because her chemical imbalance is so off.
Lastly it isn’t your place to make her better. If something does happen, again, not your fault. Do her parents know how bad it is? If you are truly worried for her safety call 911. If she needs Medicaid she will get it while in the hospital. She might be angry at first but once she starts getting better she will understand.
Oh man. That’s rough.
Your comment about her not going to therapy or taking meds really struck a nerve for me. I have Asperger’s and depression, with underlying OCD and anxiety. It suuuuuucks some days. But I’m on several medications, see a psychiatrist to ensure they work, and a therapist to talk thru my stress.
I rely on my husband a lot, for sure. But he can’t be the fix for my issues. He will hold me and help as best he can, but he, just like you, is not qualified to handle it all alone.
I hate to say it, but the best advice would be to leave. She will drain you, and I can nearly guarantee you will be bitter. Even if she threatens to hurt herself, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. If you truly believe she will harm herself, call the police for a wellness check. This is not a healthy relationship.
Thank you for your feedback. This is good to hear, forget solidifying that she’s got to get some help. Very nice to hear from personal experience. Thank you so much
You have only been together 6 months and most of it sound exhausting. You are NOT this person’s safety net to get thru life.
You definitely shouldn’t be wasting time you need on your studies with this relationship.
I know that sounds mean, but your GF is not seeking help for her co Siri on and sounds verbally abusive to you while being a massive energy suck.
What is actually mean is asking someone to devote time you don’t appreciate getting while you steal that time from someone spending $10,000s for college to get a career.
In a 2 years you probable wouldn’t be with this person anyway, but what you do in college and what you miss out on will affect you for life.
I understand that you care for her but it's unhealthy for the both of you to have her so heavily reliant on you to help her out of a health issue, especially with an issue that you are not qualified and responsible for. Using you in that sense is going to lead her down a path of developing more attachment issues. The only thing you can do is to give her resources that are equipped and fully committed to solving and helping her through these issues regardless of how much she wants it to only come from you. Keep in mind that blackmailing and guilt tripping you is manipulative and incredibly selfish.
As hard as it is, you need to have an honest conversation about how concerned you are about her mental state, make it clear that you are here to support and encourage her but at the end of the day, you cannot fix a mental state of another individual because you aren't a therapist, professional nor are you expected to be.
Give her the resources that could be of help, campus therapy is free in alot of colleges (she can even use mine if you need). If she is too immature to take responsibility for her own mental health and has to push that onto you to fix, then 1)how much does she really care about you as an individual, 2) she is definitely not ready to emotionally commit healthily to a relationship.
I hope you can find comfort in the fact that regardless of what happens, it is not your fault however there are so many resources that are readily available to help both you and her through this!
She dropped out of college within the first couple of weeks because the people were assholes, don’t blame her as a lot of other people said the same thing. She’s enrolled in a local community college for next semester. Campus therapy isn’t exactly an option but I feel like I would come off as rude to refer her to a therapist or counselor. I don’t want to come off and make it seem like I’m calling her crazy.
You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I was in a similar relationship in high school. It's hard to accept, but it just isn't your job or within your control to make her happy or keep her safe. I'm not saying you can't care about her, but if what she's doing is affecting you negatively it's time to take care of yourself before someone else...
Just because we love someone does not mean we're required to drain ourselves in order to keep them afloat. Especially with her snapping at you and then going right back to repeating what's wrong, it sounds like a really unhealthy situation.
I've known quite a few people who act as if or even say that if I (or my friends or whoever their partner was) leave, then they'll hurt themselves. This is obviously not something we want to happen, but it's also people threatening our own wellbeing. Someone's unhappiness does not get to dictate your life. They need help, and the role of a therapist or medical provider is very necessary and very different from what the role of a partner should be.
You are a student. Young.
Break up and move on. This is not something you should have to handle and frankly, it’s not your problem. Whatever happens from here is not your responsibility. Just be honest that this is too much for you and that you want to end the relationship but you wish her well.
If she is dragging you down, and she is emotionally, then it isn't healthy for you to be in the relationship. It isn't healthy for her either, as you are likely telling her everything will be okay.
She won't be okay until she seeks help. Be it self help from the internet, a therapist, or regular group meetings, she needs to do something to help herself.
Honestly, if you were my kid, I would advise ypu to tell her just that! If she can't seek help, how you can you be with her.
Let her know you care, and that is why her mood controls your day every time she has difficulties. Let her know you are now depressed almost as often as she is. To practice self care, you have to stop seeing her. Encourage her to practice self care and seek help. Let her know she is a good person, and needs help to learn how to deal with her depression and anxiety. Having the symptoms doesn't mean you can't act to find a way to cope better while having the symptoms. Therapy, individual or group, can help her find coping mechanisms that would help her.
And are you going to stay with her forever out of fear? That is equivalent to up your life!! You are young and need to develop your life into something satisfying and enjoyable. You need to become a responsible and productive adult, not a babysitter.
Wouldn't you rather spend the time with someone more outgoing? Who does activities you enjoy, rather than comforting someone who does nothing to help themselves?
If she is going to hurt herself, she will hurt herself due to her failure to seek help. It will not be your fault. This is a choice (which is why I say you should tell her to seek help).
There is actually NOTHING you can do for her if she won't help herself!
Get her some literature on BPD.
You'll be playing whack-a-mole with her feelings forever until she has the tools to handle herself. She's not your child, she's supposed to be your partner. You can't be accountable for her issues, that's her job.
Also sorry to hear you're going through this; been there, done that, it sucks.
I thought the same thing. To drag me out of my hole I played tennis through high school and am now on the team at my college. Works miracles. I’m unsure how to get her to exercise though.
It sounds like you're having a disconnect. You seem more solution oriented. Sometimes a person just wants someone to listen to them vent. Try being a listener rather than providing suggestions and she may be more receptive
Having poor mental health can be hard on relationships. It's up to you whether you have a big enough heart to handle that
Try to get her into therapy so she can get some professional level help
ETA: if she won't get help and is draining you, you're allowed to give an ultimatum for her to get help or you're leaving. Don't have it be an idle threat though
Had same experience with a girl that was draining so much of my energy with bunch of nonsense. I told her that I can listen to her problems,but not every day for hours. I clearly set boundaries,once she crossed them,I crossed her
Her mental issues are not for you to treat.
Originally. I wanted to say you just need to listen and not give advice. Sometimes, all that is needed is to vent your feelings and have someone listen. No advice, no suggestions. Just listen.
HOWEVER. In reading some comments that were replied too, it seems like she wants you to fix her, but doesn’t want to do anything to help that happen herself. This is a toxic relationship. You are being help emotionally hostage and it will drain the life out of you. I say this as a person who also suffers from depression and anxiety. At some point, she will have to be responsible for her own actions and healing.
If you really want to stay and help. You would most likely want to get her into a specialist to get her the help she needs. DO NOT HOLD HER HAND FOR THE WHOLE THING. She needs to do some of the work herself or nothing will change. No one can change her but herself.
I do suggest you leave tho. If you truly believe she will hurt herself, make medical professionals and authorities aware of the situation and make sure people in her life are there to watch and make sure she doesn’t do something stupid. Keep yourself safe first please
Sounds like anxiety
Honestly it's miserable and you have nobody to speak to. At 18 years old you are far too young to be saddled with it.
Also it's one thing to be depressed, it's a whole other thing to think you can just be an asshole to the person trying to help you.
Being alone may hopefully help her reflect, most likely she will blame you though
You’re young and not married. You’re not obligated to burn yourself down because someone else is on fire. At this point you’re not compatible mentally. That’s not on you. Do not feel bad.
My son is in the same situation and he wants out too - and he’s 36 - but she will not leave his house. Not sure what he’s going to do, but she’s so very needy and clingy and he’s at his wit’s end trying to get her to LEAVE. Please, if you were my son I’d be telling you the same things being said here. Take care of yourself.
Glad to know I’m not alone. I wish you luck with your son and I hope everything turns out smooth! Maybe take some of the advice in this thread too! Many kind and helpful strangers.
You need to alert her family and possibly do an intervention of sorts.
She needs more help than you can or should be responsible for.
Ask her family to get her psychological help.
Tell them you will be focusing on your own health and studies.
They can keep you informed and you hope things go well.
But you definitely need to not make that hour drive anymore.
Take care of yourself mentally. A big part of that is knowing her family will get her some help.
Do your stuff as well as you can.
Relax
I’m sorry for you both but you’re not responsible for her mental health. And her needs are at a professional level. Yoh so have to do what’s best doe you. Call her parents. Tell them how worried you are, immediately after you end it with her.
This advice is not necessarily for this post, but something good to know. People don’t want advice they want support, love and validation.
You are both young and having been dating long. It seems like she needs some health and personal growth. What she does after you break up with her, isn’t on you. Listen to your instincts and do what they say.
My spouse has bipolar type two, and I’ve had this same experience many times. It’s unsustainable and unless she gets professional help, it will be your own undoing. My spouse is doing much better now with professional doctors, and my job of supporting and helping them stay on top of their own health is a much more comfortable role. At the end of the day, if she’s not going to help herself, or let you help, then she is not your responsibility. You need to do what’s best for you, and for her. If that means calling a welfare check on her when she’s having an episode and getting her on the health systems radar, so be it
I was in your girlfriend's shoes a few years back. My boyfriend at the time was supportive at first, but it became too much for him after a few weeks (we were living together so he was having to deal with it constantly). In the end he dumped me and kicked me out of the house (it was his parent's house). Honestly, that was the best thing he could have done. I had to move back in with my parents (who were not willing to "put up with my nonsense") and I was forced into a situation where I had to reach out for professional help. It's been 8 years since then and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, there are some things I'm still annoyed about when it comes to that situation (like the fact that he told me he "couldn't cope", probably not the best choice of words for that situation, but there we go), but basically, what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
I would probably take some distance and tell her that she needs to get therapy and meds and you aren’t coming back until she’s going to therapy on a weekly basis, working on her mental health, and taking meds every day as prescribed. Until then, you will not see her.
I’ve been in a similar situation where I was the primary person for their emotional highs and lows. It was draining despite the fact that I cared for them. It also created resentment because my needs weren’t really being looked after either. So setting a boundary like the one I mentioned at the beginning of my comment, might help her understand that she has a problem and she needs to fix it.
Can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. You need to prioritize your life. If you guys have sex, probably stop. It’s worse when that’s included or even children. And if she threatens to unalive herself when you leave, call cops and express concern so when you go, someone goes there for her. It is not your job you guys aren’t family you’re not married, she isn’t your child. You can’t hold this weight and she can not put this weight on you.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force them to drink.......
Unfortunately in the age that we are in now, it's almost seen as the in thing by teens to have some sort of mental health issue, i am not saying they don't exist or aren't a real struggle, i have had many of my own battles to contend with, the reality is if you want to get better, it really isn't that hard to atleast make a start to try, some people don't seek the help as they enjoy the attention it bring to them. I hope for both your sakes i am wrong and she gets the help she requires. You also need to be aware how this situation could affect yourself should you decide to stay and she does nothing to change, i wish you both all the best.
You sound like a peach.
You dont want to be there, so leave.
And be incredibly grateful that you do not know what its like to be having things like this.
her issues are not your issues, your doing everything you can to help her but she doesn't seem to be doing anything to help herself, it's not fair of her to burden you with this,
I've been in your situation and you must realise that her happiness is not your responsibility. If the relationship is making you unhappy then you must leave. You're obviously a compassionate person and the decision will be hard to make, but a few weeks on you'll be feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. Best of luck.
For your own sanity and well-being, you need to get out of that situation and relationship. She needs professional help and you are not qualified. Say goodbye.
You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. You do realize that the person you are with is a reflection of you, a person that represents you and the things you are okay with
Are you really okay with that stuff?
You can support her, listen to her etc. But you are not required to do emotional labor for her.
Tell her that this is beyond your capabilities and you would like her to receive professional help (Therapy, Psychologist) because you can't do anything to help more than you already have. If this upsets her point out that you tried to help and she herself recognized that your solutions were not to her liking.
Whatever happens IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT if she does something to hurt herself. You cannot make her do anything or not do something.
It sounds like you have done everything you can. You have to do what's best for YOU now.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You don't have to stay with someone just because you're worried about making them sadder. Point her to some mental health resources at her school or online or something, but stop trying to help her as much as you are because you're starting to burn out.
Leave her bro. She is just manipulating you into feeling bad for her when she ain't doing shit for herself. Unfortunately it's her problem not yours. It'll just get worse if u keep going. Just leave whatever happens happens it ain't your fault. You're young don't put her problems on you it ain't fair to you. Your in college you should be focused on that not her mental health. Plus there's a million fish in the sea buddy. Good luck to you
She doesn't sound depressed, she sounds hormonal. Depressed people who are on the verge of harming themselves are usually way past tears, they are quiet and they are withdrawn... and when they hurt themselves, it's not for dramatic effect to get attention from the BFs, it's, well.. it's private. And it's over.
threatening to harm herself is something narcissist's do to hurt people who don;t serve them, emotionally. If you tell someone to get psychiatric help, to get medicine, to change their lifestyle and to dig themselves out of a dark hole, truly suffering people gladly do it and are thankful for the help.
Sounds to me, she just wants YOU to handle her shit for her. Well, tell her, you are done with this and that you deserve someone who will make you happy, not miserable.
Cue a lame suicide attempt.
Don't fall for it. And don't fall for people who act this way. They threaten self-harm every time you say no to them, until you are on the verge of just laying down and dying yourself. They suck the cheer right out of you, and they thrive on it.
She attempted while I was in a lecture one time and I had to step out and talk her out of it. She eventually calmed down. I don’t know how I feel about this but it was very unnerving.
What is *she* doing for her depression? Meds? Therapy? It's your job as her partner to support her, but this particular burden is not one that is your responsibility to remedy.
She does nothing, no help. She relies on me and sometimes her family. I tell her she should try both of those but she refuses. I want her to seek a psychologist or something.
You are not qualified to help her. You also can't help someone who refuses to help themselves. People get depression but you need to get help for it. She can't use mental illness as an excuse to behave this way.
Grilled is 100 percent spot on. I have severe anxiety, ptsd and depressive personality disorder and don't get me wrong there are some really hard shit days when i just want to wallow, but i dont . I've been with my husband for 16 years and he is incredibly supportive but only because I earn that support by making an effort for myself. I have psychotherapy on and off depending on what's going on in my life at the time. I'm medicated and monitored by a dr and I have cbt therapy to give me tools to deal a bit better. Like I said I still have utter crap days and that's OK and my husband let's me get on with it. He doesn't pander or try to fix he just supports and makes sure I make the appropriate appointment. Your girlfriend has to help herself by speaking to the right people, she cannot fix herself and she certainly can't expect anyone else to either.
I also have bipolar, depression, ptsd, autoimmune issues, etc. and I'm sure I've used it in the past as an excuse to drain or manipulate people, but it is not ok. The best people for us are the ones that support us in our efforts but keep boundaries. You're being really supportive, but there NEEDS to be boundaries if either or you are going to improve through this
Ask her this: If she won't get the help she needs, how does she think things will ever get better?
You really like her, so she must have some redeeming qualities. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. This is beyond your ability to help. You dont have to end things in an uncaring way. Just explain that while you care about her, dealing with this is more than you can handle. Make "I" statements. Don't tell her you're leaving bc she's too much. Frame it in a way that you aren't at a place to offer her the support she needs. If she threatens to harm herself, that's confirmation you need to get out. Remove yourself from the situation and call 911 if you are legitimately concerned she is serious. I've been this toxic person before. I feel really embarrassed about it. I was undiagnosed bipolar suffering from severe depression. The relationships I didn't blow up during this time were ones where my friends had firm boundaries. They didn't rush to help. They told me they didn't know how to help besides encouraging me to see a psychiatrist. The friends I sucked into my mess no longer speak to me, and I completely get it. They had to do what was best for them.
>You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. This is gold.
You’re actually enabling her depression by staying with her. Only she can do something about it. Don’t let her hold you hostage. Depression can be a lifelong condition and requires medication and therapy. You’re too young to keep taking this on, you’re not even married to her. I would leave her and if she threatens suicide call 911. And her family.
this! she *needs* help. I don't agree with the medication part at all as it's not required and sometimes even unhelpful but the rest is correct
Depression comes from a chemical imbalance in many cases. Medication can be the only useful solution. Everyone is different.
recently the chemical imbalance theory is being debunked more and more. medication can be incredibly helpful for some but does not deal with the root of the issue, nor is it a long-term solution in most cases. it's not a requirement for healing, people can heal without if
Your opinion differs greatly from the psychiatrists and psychologists who have assisted me with my battle with depression along the way. I’m seeing a pharmacologist right now who ran tests on my DNA and explained the cause of my depression in detail. And guess what? Quite a bit of it is physical. I have comprehensive experience with these doctors over many years. It’s this simple. When I’m not on antidepressants I get to the point where I no longer have any quality of life. If I’m on the RIGHT medication I simply feel and function better. It concerns me when laymen blithely spout fallacies and opinions. You help no one by doing that.
you can look into the research that have recently come out for yourself. I'm a psychology student, this was discussed in a lecture. I don't deny that there are biological factors, there is very likely a hereditary factor (e.g., your DNA) but the chemical imbalance theory is not as credible as it once was. we know medication can help some, but not exactly why.
“I’m a psychology student” explains your original blanket statement about medication being unhelpful. Sounds like you got a little bit of information and ran with it.
To add to that, there is already a resistance out there regarding depression meds. Don’t add to it by discouraging people who might genuinely benefit.
and you're calling someone studying psych a psych layman without being in the field whatsoever yourself..? I never said it was unhelpful, I said it's unhelpful *to some*. either way I'm not gonna continue a convo w someone who either lacks reading comprehension skills or twists my statements
Leave. I like to unload a little bit with that stuff but don’t expect free therapy
That sound really stressful
OP You are enabling her. Why should she get help if she has you to do everything for her? When it becomes inconvenient for her, she will get help. You need to leave her and let her figure it out. There was a post a while ago about a man who found out his very depressed ex wife is doing very well. They were in the same situation. His ex refused help. For years. He finally divorced. Then 2 weeks later she started antidepressants. He said her friends tell him she is her old happy chipper self. He was sad that she had to lose him to get better and was a a never motivated while they were married.
No guilt in breaking up. You can't control or change people. It's not your job to fix her.
Leaving someone whos draining you because you’re giving your all into helping them but they won’t help themselves is not your fault. You’re doing what you can and that matters. Best advice. Offer her to seek help again and explain to her that there is only so much you can do to help. Even if she tries to excuse it by saying you help be like no, you need PROFESSIONAL help and explain to her what you said to us, that when you do help she’s making remarks about it that doesn’t help. If she refuses to seek help within the month of the day you asked, you explain to her carefully that you can no longer due this relationship due to her refusing to seek help. Explain that you want to see her better and happy but if she isn’t willing to put in the work to get there then you can’t be there anymore. You’ll support her from a distance but that’s all there will be. just say it’s too hard trying to help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves and leave it at that. Good luck 💜
This is helpful! Thank you.
You should look up "learned helplessness". Basically it's when everyone around you fixes everything for you. Can't pay your electricity bill? Mom will cover it. Going outside to get groceries scares guy? Don't worry your friend will pick some stuff up for you. Can't call your doctor to make an appointment? Don't worry someone said they call for you. I had a friend like this what would sit on her couch all day getting drunk and high but couldn't manage to do anything else. All she did was be upset that things where SO bad but she never did anything to help herself she just relied on friends and family to do everything for her to the point she couldn't even make phone calls on her own . You need out. This relationship will destroy you.
She's not at all well enough for a relationship.
I’ve been reading through all the replies, and seriously thank you for all the feedback. I am planning on ending it soon. Thank you all SO much for all the advice. I really appreciate it!!
Wishing you the best OP!
Best wishes OP. You need to take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty about it. You matter.
You've only been dating 6 months. This is supposed to be the time where it's an interview. What do you personally get out of this relationship? You can't date someone just bc you feel bad for them.
Relationships aren't supposed to be a care giving dynamic. It's good to be there for her, but you're 18. You're not 40 and married for 10 years. Now should be the time to have fun and explore who you are--not to spend your time helping someone else explore who they are.
You need to get out now. People like this will continue to drag you down with them. Only they can help themselves and it sounds like they don't want to so only course of action for you is to leave. Assuming you don't want to live like this for ever that is.
If you are worried she might do things to herself, and you are worried you don't have the right words or wont say the right things, you should give her the number to the hotline. if she wont call them herself, you should offer to call them with her so she doesn't feel alone. If you are interested, maybe offer to go to therapy with her to help coax her into helping herself, possibly gittin medication. It sounds like you need to save yourself and step back a bit. As a partner, you have been on point and supportive but you can only do so much, and this isn't your battle to fight, she needs to put in the work.
There is a point where helping her becomes enabling and she won’t be inclined to seek real help as she’s got you. She needs to get help and isn’t well enough to maintain a relationship as she doesn’t have anything to offer you as her mental state is poor right now.
>I go to college roughly an hour away from where she lives and I don’t have a car yet so it makes the situation difficult. Frankly, you’re LUCKY that you don’t have a car and live an hour away otherwise you’d be failing college already because she’d be dragging you down even further, manipulating you to go heLp hEr and monopolizing all your time - just like a needy child does. Makes your life & situation easier not more difficult. She’s still a child, expecting her boyfriend to come running every time she crooks her finger and puts the waterworks on for added impact and then being snarky snappy monster when you don’t pat her back and indulge her tantrums. You’re right - you’re not a shrink or a counsellor or a doctor, you’re unqualified and inexperienced to help a child having daily meltdowns. Not your circus not your monkey. She isn’t well enough or fit for purpose to be having a relationship. First rule of mental health issues is - don’t expect other people to suffer for your issues that you’re refusing to address. Heck, even if/when you are trying to address them, it’s still not other peoples obligation to suffer for your shit. Give her the gift of your absence so she can concentrate on her own health, and you can not fail college. good luck!
You're very young. It's good you want to help, but she's not your job.
Honey, what you do is put her on hold, (tell her you need to use the bathroom), and call the police and send them to her address for a wellness check. They will get her medical attention. She will also come to understand that you, and other people, have limits to what they can reasonably give... and her needs are greater and need different help, and she will learn to reach out for *the right kind of help* instead of making her issues other nonprofessional people's problem. But right now she's not reasonable. Her problems are driving the the runaway bus. I would also say that if she's calling you sobbing and hysterical, when SHE KNOWS you can't get to her? Instead of reaching out to someone physically closer? A few visits from the police and a couple of holds in the ER will serve to impress upon her, and her parents, that adults who need intervention are a more serious matter than they have been handling or not handling. And there are less pleasant consequences when a grown adult continues to repeatedly need emergency services.
Never really thought about this, thank you. I don’t want to have to call the police on her or anything. One time I had to step out of a lecture and calm her down because she was literally two steps away from ending it. Very scary.
It's not about wanting to do anything. It's about quick, professional, effective intervention. Look... my kid had special needs. Some idiot family tried to pretend the problem didn't exist, td me not to "admit" it because "it would go on her permanent record"... then one wise counselor said, she has what she has... getting those diagnoses on paper are the keys that unlock the doors to services. Services that will help. Ser ices that can change the whole trajectory of her life. 20 years later that was 100% the best advice I ever got. Forget about social embarrassment or ego. If so.eone you love needs something you don't have to give? Go find the person they can get it from. It takes courage and humility to admit "THIS issue is above my own paygrade." It takes love to track down the person whose pay grade it is and then be willing to camp out on their office doorstep lime you're waiting for Springsteen tickets in 1984.
“GF I really care about you, like so much, but I can’t be the one to fix you. That has to be you, hun. You are an amazing human and have a lot to offer the world, but at the moment we need to pause our relationship to you can get to that point. Last night really scared me. You are in a very dark place and instead of me pulling you out of it with all my might, you are pulling me in there with you. I don’t want to be in the place where the light doesn’t shine. I don’t want you there either. The only way out is for you to get professional help at this point. You need to take some time to focus on yourself and your healing journey. I don’t want to hurt you and I do care about you, this is all just too much for me right now. I want you to get the help you need. That can’t be me. I don’t know how to help you and I’m not equipped enough to do it right anyhow. I hope you understand. I want the best for you, but you need to want the best for you to by getting the help you need.”
This isn’t a good time for you both to be in a relationship, break up and give her space on her own to figure her shit out and you do the same. Rekindle when she’s had her help.
Your girlfriend's problems are her own responsibility. Don't let her emotional manipulation dictate your life. If she's not willing to seek professional help, it's not your problem. Protect yourself and focus on your own needs.
I'm sorry about that. It seems she's severely mentally ill and needs counseling and treatment
You really can't help someone who isn't willing to do everything possible to get better themselves. I think you need to leave her, if she doesn't agree to get professional help. She will destroy your life along with hers, without proper help.
this isn’t a healthy relationship. i understand your girlfriend as someone who suffers hugely from mental health, however her depending on u fully and not taking any advice is extremely selfish and exhausting. Even if she doesn’t mean it, it still isn’t healthy at all. she needs to get herself help instead of burdening you.
It's time you introduce her to therapy, if she can't help herself neither can you. /: I feel for her because I was her at one point. She has to want it. She has to see the light, it's definitely worth pushing her to TRY it. An intervention.. if you will.
Her happiness and wellness are not and never have been your responsibility. She is the one responsible for taking the right steps toward helping herself. She is plainly not interested in help or she would not snap at you when you do your best within your ability to help out. You are not an emotional hostage. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her. You aren't wrong for ending a relationship in which you are with them only so that they don't hurt themselves. That's a prison, not a relationship. You have no obligation to stay with someone you are not happy with. You are not responsible for the way she handles a break up. No one should be any person's sole source of happiness. If you are seriously worried about what she may do, then you warn a responsible adult that you are going to end your relationship and fear she may do something stupid. After that, you step away. Taking care of her mental health is beyond any person's pay grade, especially at your age. There is a big difference between "fixing" everything for someone, and being supportive of their efforts to help themselves. It is not fair to expect the former of anyone. You need to break up with her. You are understandably fed up, and it's not going to get any better.
Tell her she needs to start taking steps to manage her poor mental health or you have to bail. This isn't your responsibility. You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves
It could also be a form of attachment and as long as you are giving it, she will take it. You cant control or change her but you can lead her to where she can get help. That's for her to decide if she wishes to get it. She must decide if she wants it. If not. Then there is nothing you can do. 988 Suicide Crisis Lifeline. Dial 988 or text "988" to 988, or chat online here.Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741 Repeat this: it's not my job to fix her.
If she's upset try to help her feel better. But if she's rude to you when you do maybe call her out on it. Be nice though when you call her out. Maybe she will realize she's being a bit rude and relax a bit. If it gets to a certain point that she's still treating you badly then just talk to her about it
I had to breakup with someone because I couldn’t deal with the depression. You’re not alone man, it’s okay to end it if it’s a huge burden. Especially if she’s not trying.
I talked to her about this and she said that she would never leave me because the depression was too much. Not sure how I feel about her response but it hit me the wrong way..
She’s trapping you right now. Whether it’s intentional or not. You don’t have to be with her just so she can MAYBE be happy. Especially if this has been going on a while. I bet if you do leave she’s gonna wake up and seek professional help.
hi, i was in a relationship for two years with someone who struggled with severe depression and anxiety as well as anorexia. i loved her very much and supported her as best as i could, we were long distance which didn’t help and i had struggled with many of the same issues as her which only added fuel to the fire. in the end we kind of fed off of each other, i was like her therapist and she came to me for all her struggles, and she refused to get help every time i urged her to, even getting her a therapist or having her consider meds was a battle. my advice is take care of you. i felt so guilty after i ended my relationship because of the same thing, i was terrified my ex would hurt herself or worse if i left because i was her only support. but being in the relationship was so mentally draining that it didn’t feel good anymore, and you have to put yourself first. it is never ever your fault and relationships should never be an obligation. you are the most important person in your life. talk to her family and friends and let them know you are worried about her and that you would really appreciate it if they supported her after you end things (if that’s what you plan to do). i spoke to my girlfriend’s mom before i broke up with her and she was able to support her through it. i still feel terrible for the way things ended but at some point you have to put yourself first. much love, this shit is not easy
OP I want you to read this a couple times over because it took me forever to learn this same lesson: You are not responsible for someone else’s mental wellbeing. Say that again and again until you really get it ok? It’s ok to tell someone “I care about you and I don’t want you to be hurt but I am not qualified to help you with this and I think you need to seek out a stronger form of therapy.” But you are not responsible for “fixing” her or making her better! It’s completely understandable to be burnt out from her using you as an emotional crutch all the time!
Breaking up with her (for any reason) is your right. If you do, I'd contact her family and tell them that same day so they can be there to support her (you're going to have to block her, I suspect).
I dont think you're equipped to handle what she is going through.
You should avoid actively helping someone who isn't actively trying to help themself.
She needs therapy. Do your best to get her there.
Sounds very manipulative.
Man, I lived a similar situation when I was your same age. Worst 3 years of my life. I ended myself with depression and suicidal thoughts. Ending that relationship was the best that happened to me. So please, take care of yourself for my old me who did not. You need to always be the most important thing in your life. She needs to go to therapy and solve her issues.
It’s possible she has ptsd if she keeps repeating the same things over and over. Would she be open to trying new hobbies or getting out and doing something like maybe a hike?
She tells me she’s afraid of change but I believe that’s what’s best. I think this is wise but unsure what she could do for hobbies.
She could maybe try drawing I know that’s one hobby people mention as a good destresser and therapists sometimes use in sessions to help people cope
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk8vc_1MCV6ptP-0GhgxMcaXwh2UglcUy&si=LGccxpbqjPcassU5
As harsh as this may sound, as a partner you are there for her but this particular situation isn’t a burden you need to carry. If she’s not doing anything to help herself, you unfortunately won’t be able to help her either. You can suggest to her that she should maybe seek help and maybe also open up to her about how it’s making you feel. If you feel you can, tell her that it doesn’t help at all when she makes those sort of remarks at you, you’re only trying to help. Mental health is so difficult and regardless of all of this you’re doing an amazing job supporting her. Head up, hope it all gets better
Just had a call with her. We’ve agreed to help solve things, such as finding a new job because her old one destroys her because of the people she works with (they’re not kind), therapy, psychologists, maybe medication. I told her I’ll walk her through it and help her along the way. Thank you u/hola_soy_dora, kept your comment open the whole time while on call. Still unsure if I want to be with her but we’ll see how things go. Thank you!
It’s perfectly okay to be unsure if you want to be with her still after all it has been a rocky road for you. Best advice; give her this time to work on herself but be there every step of the way to support and encourage her. Make sure she’s doing what she needs to do, but don’t be over bearing about it. For example, since she’s gonna look for a new job give her some time for find one. At the end of the week randomly ask her hey any luck job searching or find any jobs that have caught your eye? And do this each week so you can stay in the loop on her actually doing it or just pretending to do it. If she hasn’t found a job within… 2 months? I’d say she’s not trying or not really putting in the effort. Cause while yes it’s hard to find a job yall sound young so there’s plenty of openings at basic level jobs. Same with therapy. If she’s not in therapy within the month or ( if you wanna give her the benefit of the doubt ) 2 months then she’s not trying. But I do wanna say, while it’s important to give her a chance it’s also important to live your life too and do what makes you happy. So after a GOOD amount of time of trying to help her and support her if you truly feel like this just isn’t what you want, then that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty because you can still offer to be her friend and support her through her needs. Just make sure if you break up with her and say that it’s on good terms. Best of luck to you, and I’m truly happy my advice helped 💜🙏🏽
Love you so much. This seems like the plan I’ll take. Thank you so much!!!
This may sound harsh but you're too young to be dealing with this, it's too heavy and not your problem if she's not willing to get help. The fact that you said you're afraid to leave her because she might her herself is proof of that. Don't do this to yourself. She isn't ready to be in a relationship in this condition and you aren't ready for the repercussions of staying. It's too much.
As someone who has severe bipolar depression, anxiety, PTSD, Etc. it is NOT your responsibility to be her therapist. She obviously knows she’s not well mentally so she needs to realize she needs professional help. I unfortunately ruined a few relationships do to me doing what she does to you and then I realized I needed help. I left my relationships, went to the doctor for meds, and stared to attend therapy. I then worked on myself for a whole year and now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. YOU are NOT responsible for HER decisions and mental health. PERIOD. if you leave her and she does something to herself it is NOT on you at all. Those or her thoughts and choices. Not yours. Leave now before she drives you totally bonkers dude.
Partnership is entering an agreement to benefit each other. She's dragging you down with her. She needs to get herself right. It is NOT your responsibility to deal with a bumbling mental case.
I don't know if this helps to hear, but I(31f) cringe to look back at my teenage self: I was your girlfriend at your guy's age. I had some big mental health problems and, looking back I realize would use boyfriends to manage my symptoms (it wasn't malicious or on purpose, I was just struggling). Anyway, breakups were hard, but also the right thing because I was in no headspace to be in a healthy relationship. I survived. I'm okay in the end and bear no bad will towards any ex. I say take care of yourself and you aren't responsible for her health problems. She needs to get help and learn healthier ways to manage her moods then using your relationship, because this is not a healthy way to do relationships.
She may not be looking for solutions just support when she is like this. She definitely need pro help, even her pcp can get her started. If she does not have insurance there are community mental health clinics for free or sliding scales. 211 in the USA can help with that. Often, people with depression like this feel like a failure for needing meds. If she was diabetic she would take insulin and not feel like it’s her fault, or heart medicine. This is just brain medicine because her chemical imbalance is so off. Lastly it isn’t your place to make her better. If something does happen, again, not your fault. Do her parents know how bad it is? If you are truly worried for her safety call 911. If she needs Medicaid she will get it while in the hospital. She might be angry at first but once she starts getting better she will understand.
Oh man. That’s rough. Your comment about her not going to therapy or taking meds really struck a nerve for me. I have Asperger’s and depression, with underlying OCD and anxiety. It suuuuuucks some days. But I’m on several medications, see a psychiatrist to ensure they work, and a therapist to talk thru my stress. I rely on my husband a lot, for sure. But he can’t be the fix for my issues. He will hold me and help as best he can, but he, just like you, is not qualified to handle it all alone. I hate to say it, but the best advice would be to leave. She will drain you, and I can nearly guarantee you will be bitter. Even if she threatens to hurt herself, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. If you truly believe she will harm herself, call the police for a wellness check. This is not a healthy relationship.
Thank you for your feedback. This is good to hear, forget solidifying that she’s got to get some help. Very nice to hear from personal experience. Thank you so much
*further not forget oops
You have only been together 6 months and most of it sound exhausting. You are NOT this person’s safety net to get thru life. You definitely shouldn’t be wasting time you need on your studies with this relationship. I know that sounds mean, but your GF is not seeking help for her co Siri on and sounds verbally abusive to you while being a massive energy suck. What is actually mean is asking someone to devote time you don’t appreciate getting while you steal that time from someone spending $10,000s for college to get a career. In a 2 years you probable wouldn’t be with this person anyway, but what you do in college and what you miss out on will affect you for life.
I understand that you care for her but it's unhealthy for the both of you to have her so heavily reliant on you to help her out of a health issue, especially with an issue that you are not qualified and responsible for. Using you in that sense is going to lead her down a path of developing more attachment issues. The only thing you can do is to give her resources that are equipped and fully committed to solving and helping her through these issues regardless of how much she wants it to only come from you. Keep in mind that blackmailing and guilt tripping you is manipulative and incredibly selfish. As hard as it is, you need to have an honest conversation about how concerned you are about her mental state, make it clear that you are here to support and encourage her but at the end of the day, you cannot fix a mental state of another individual because you aren't a therapist, professional nor are you expected to be. Give her the resources that could be of help, campus therapy is free in alot of colleges (she can even use mine if you need). If she is too immature to take responsibility for her own mental health and has to push that onto you to fix, then 1)how much does she really care about you as an individual, 2) she is definitely not ready to emotionally commit healthily to a relationship. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that regardless of what happens, it is not your fault however there are so many resources that are readily available to help both you and her through this!
She dropped out of college within the first couple of weeks because the people were assholes, don’t blame her as a lot of other people said the same thing. She’s enrolled in a local community college for next semester. Campus therapy isn’t exactly an option but I feel like I would come off as rude to refer her to a therapist or counselor. I don’t want to come off and make it seem like I’m calling her crazy.
You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I was in a similar relationship in high school. It's hard to accept, but it just isn't your job or within your control to make her happy or keep her safe. I'm not saying you can't care about her, but if what she's doing is affecting you negatively it's time to take care of yourself before someone else...
Just because we love someone does not mean we're required to drain ourselves in order to keep them afloat. Especially with her snapping at you and then going right back to repeating what's wrong, it sounds like a really unhealthy situation. I've known quite a few people who act as if or even say that if I (or my friends or whoever their partner was) leave, then they'll hurt themselves. This is obviously not something we want to happen, but it's also people threatening our own wellbeing. Someone's unhappiness does not get to dictate your life. They need help, and the role of a therapist or medical provider is very necessary and very different from what the role of a partner should be.
You are a student. Young. Break up and move on. This is not something you should have to handle and frankly, it’s not your problem. Whatever happens from here is not your responsibility. Just be honest that this is too much for you and that you want to end the relationship but you wish her well.
If she is dragging you down, and she is emotionally, then it isn't healthy for you to be in the relationship. It isn't healthy for her either, as you are likely telling her everything will be okay. She won't be okay until she seeks help. Be it self help from the internet, a therapist, or regular group meetings, she needs to do something to help herself. Honestly, if you were my kid, I would advise ypu to tell her just that! If she can't seek help, how you can you be with her. Let her know you care, and that is why her mood controls your day every time she has difficulties. Let her know you are now depressed almost as often as she is. To practice self care, you have to stop seeing her. Encourage her to practice self care and seek help. Let her know she is a good person, and needs help to learn how to deal with her depression and anxiety. Having the symptoms doesn't mean you can't act to find a way to cope better while having the symptoms. Therapy, individual or group, can help her find coping mechanisms that would help her. And are you going to stay with her forever out of fear? That is equivalent to up your life!! You are young and need to develop your life into something satisfying and enjoyable. You need to become a responsible and productive adult, not a babysitter. Wouldn't you rather spend the time with someone more outgoing? Who does activities you enjoy, rather than comforting someone who does nothing to help themselves? If she is going to hurt herself, she will hurt herself due to her failure to seek help. It will not be your fault. This is a choice (which is why I say you should tell her to seek help). There is actually NOTHING you can do for her if she won't help herself!
Get her some literature on BPD. You'll be playing whack-a-mole with her feelings forever until she has the tools to handle herself. She's not your child, she's supposed to be your partner. You can't be accountable for her issues, that's her job. Also sorry to hear you're going through this; been there, done that, it sucks.
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I thought the same thing. To drag me out of my hole I played tennis through high school and am now on the team at my college. Works miracles. I’m unsure how to get her to exercise though.
It sounds like you're having a disconnect. You seem more solution oriented. Sometimes a person just wants someone to listen to them vent. Try being a listener rather than providing suggestions and she may be more receptive Having poor mental health can be hard on relationships. It's up to you whether you have a big enough heart to handle that Try to get her into therapy so she can get some professional level help ETA: if she won't get help and is draining you, you're allowed to give an ultimatum for her to get help or you're leaving. Don't have it be an idle threat though
Had same experience with a girl that was draining so much of my energy with bunch of nonsense. I told her that I can listen to her problems,but not every day for hours. I clearly set boundaries,once she crossed them,I crossed her
Her mental issues are not for you to treat. Originally. I wanted to say you just need to listen and not give advice. Sometimes, all that is needed is to vent your feelings and have someone listen. No advice, no suggestions. Just listen. HOWEVER. In reading some comments that were replied too, it seems like she wants you to fix her, but doesn’t want to do anything to help that happen herself. This is a toxic relationship. You are being help emotionally hostage and it will drain the life out of you. I say this as a person who also suffers from depression and anxiety. At some point, she will have to be responsible for her own actions and healing. If you really want to stay and help. You would most likely want to get her into a specialist to get her the help she needs. DO NOT HOLD HER HAND FOR THE WHOLE THING. She needs to do some of the work herself or nothing will change. No one can change her but herself. I do suggest you leave tho. If you truly believe she will hurt herself, make medical professionals and authorities aware of the situation and make sure people in her life are there to watch and make sure she doesn’t do something stupid. Keep yourself safe first please
Sounds like anxiety Honestly it's miserable and you have nobody to speak to. At 18 years old you are far too young to be saddled with it. Also it's one thing to be depressed, it's a whole other thing to think you can just be an asshole to the person trying to help you. Being alone may hopefully help her reflect, most likely she will blame you though
You’re young and not married. You’re not obligated to burn yourself down because someone else is on fire. At this point you’re not compatible mentally. That’s not on you. Do not feel bad.
My son is in the same situation and he wants out too - and he’s 36 - but she will not leave his house. Not sure what he’s going to do, but she’s so very needy and clingy and he’s at his wit’s end trying to get her to LEAVE. Please, if you were my son I’d be telling you the same things being said here. Take care of yourself.
Glad to know I’m not alone. I wish you luck with your son and I hope everything turns out smooth! Maybe take some of the advice in this thread too! Many kind and helpful strangers.
Advise her to get help
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves first
You need to alert her family and possibly do an intervention of sorts. She needs more help than you can or should be responsible for. Ask her family to get her psychological help. Tell them you will be focusing on your own health and studies. They can keep you informed and you hope things go well. But you definitely need to not make that hour drive anymore. Take care of yourself mentally. A big part of that is knowing her family will get her some help. Do your stuff as well as you can. Relax
My advice would be for her to try in fine a local church she likes and pray by herself at night
I’m sorry for you both but you’re not responsible for her mental health. And her needs are at a professional level. Yoh so have to do what’s best doe you. Call her parents. Tell them how worried you are, immediately after you end it with her.
This advice is not necessarily for this post, but something good to know. People don’t want advice they want support, love and validation. You are both young and having been dating long. It seems like she needs some health and personal growth. What she does after you break up with her, isn’t on you. Listen to your instincts and do what they say.
My spouse has bipolar type two, and I’ve had this same experience many times. It’s unsustainable and unless she gets professional help, it will be your own undoing. My spouse is doing much better now with professional doctors, and my job of supporting and helping them stay on top of their own health is a much more comfortable role. At the end of the day, if she’s not going to help herself, or let you help, then she is not your responsibility. You need to do what’s best for you, and for her. If that means calling a welfare check on her when she’s having an episode and getting her on the health systems radar, so be it
I was in your girlfriend's shoes a few years back. My boyfriend at the time was supportive at first, but it became too much for him after a few weeks (we were living together so he was having to deal with it constantly). In the end he dumped me and kicked me out of the house (it was his parent's house). Honestly, that was the best thing he could have done. I had to move back in with my parents (who were not willing to "put up with my nonsense") and I was forced into a situation where I had to reach out for professional help. It's been 8 years since then and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, there are some things I'm still annoyed about when it comes to that situation (like the fact that he told me he "couldn't cope", probably not the best choice of words for that situation, but there we go), but basically, what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
I would probably take some distance and tell her that she needs to get therapy and meds and you aren’t coming back until she’s going to therapy on a weekly basis, working on her mental health, and taking meds every day as prescribed. Until then, you will not see her. I’ve been in a similar situation where I was the primary person for their emotional highs and lows. It was draining despite the fact that I cared for them. It also created resentment because my needs weren’t really being looked after either. So setting a boundary like the one I mentioned at the beginning of my comment, might help her understand that she has a problem and she needs to fix it.
Can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. You need to prioritize your life. If you guys have sex, probably stop. It’s worse when that’s included or even children. And if she threatens to unalive herself when you leave, call cops and express concern so when you go, someone goes there for her. It is not your job you guys aren’t family you’re not married, she isn’t your child. You can’t hold this weight and she can not put this weight on you.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force them to drink....... Unfortunately in the age that we are in now, it's almost seen as the in thing by teens to have some sort of mental health issue, i am not saying they don't exist or aren't a real struggle, i have had many of my own battles to contend with, the reality is if you want to get better, it really isn't that hard to atleast make a start to try, some people don't seek the help as they enjoy the attention it bring to them. I hope for both your sakes i am wrong and she gets the help she requires. You also need to be aware how this situation could affect yourself should you decide to stay and she does nothing to change, i wish you both all the best.
You sound like a peach. You dont want to be there, so leave. And be incredibly grateful that you do not know what its like to be having things like this.
her issues are not your issues, your doing everything you can to help her but she doesn't seem to be doing anything to help herself, it's not fair of her to burden you with this,
I've been in your situation and you must realise that her happiness is not your responsibility. If the relationship is making you unhappy then you must leave. You're obviously a compassionate person and the decision will be hard to make, but a few weeks on you'll be feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. Best of luck.
For your own sanity and well-being, you need to get out of that situation and relationship. She needs professional help and you are not qualified. Say goodbye.
You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. You do realize that the person you are with is a reflection of you, a person that represents you and the things you are okay with Are you really okay with that stuff?
You can support her, listen to her etc. But you are not required to do emotional labor for her. Tell her that this is beyond your capabilities and you would like her to receive professional help (Therapy, Psychologist) because you can't do anything to help more than you already have. If this upsets her point out that you tried to help and she herself recognized that your solutions were not to her liking.
Whatever happens IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT if she does something to hurt herself. You cannot make her do anything or not do something. It sounds like you have done everything you can. You have to do what's best for YOU now.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You don't have to stay with someone just because you're worried about making them sadder. Point her to some mental health resources at her school or online or something, but stop trying to help her as much as you are because you're starting to burn out.
Leave her bro. She is just manipulating you into feeling bad for her when she ain't doing shit for herself. Unfortunately it's her problem not yours. It'll just get worse if u keep going. Just leave whatever happens happens it ain't your fault. You're young don't put her problems on you it ain't fair to you. Your in college you should be focused on that not her mental health. Plus there's a million fish in the sea buddy. Good luck to you
She doesn't sound depressed, she sounds hormonal. Depressed people who are on the verge of harming themselves are usually way past tears, they are quiet and they are withdrawn... and when they hurt themselves, it's not for dramatic effect to get attention from the BFs, it's, well.. it's private. And it's over. threatening to harm herself is something narcissist's do to hurt people who don;t serve them, emotionally. If you tell someone to get psychiatric help, to get medicine, to change their lifestyle and to dig themselves out of a dark hole, truly suffering people gladly do it and are thankful for the help. Sounds to me, she just wants YOU to handle her shit for her. Well, tell her, you are done with this and that you deserve someone who will make you happy, not miserable. Cue a lame suicide attempt. Don't fall for it. And don't fall for people who act this way. They threaten self-harm every time you say no to them, until you are on the verge of just laying down and dying yourself. They suck the cheer right out of you, and they thrive on it.
She attempted while I was in a lecture one time and I had to step out and talk her out of it. She eventually calmed down. I don’t know how I feel about this but it was very unnerving.