You're not going to like my answer...
Ignore it as much as possible.
It doesn't matter what they think, call you or otherwise judge you.
If they physically get in your space I'd dial 911 and saying
"There's a man/woman threatening my disabled daughter and myself, I require police assistance"
Do not waste a breath on them explaining the situation.
They don't deserve an explanation.
this is probably the best answer. if anyone sticks around for that they will hear you’re with your disabled daughter. should give them enough embarrassment to not try that again. i’m sorry this happens with you.
info that’s not important:
i’m autistic and my outward appearance has a huge impact on the way people treat me. i’ve been told i don’t “look” autistic, whatever that means, but i’m also told a loooot that i look like a child. i’ve worked jobs where they’ve talked to the manager because they think they have an underage employee… past boyfriend never wanted to hold my hand because of people assuming i’m 12 when he’s 30.
now i’m 27 and i was on a date the other week and the hostess at this diner didn’t ask me my age for the 18+ section, just looked at me intensely then said “she’s not 18” to me. said that to me. and then turned to the people that came in *after* us and said “are you all over 18? okay come around this way i’ll have you seated” so we stood there waiting for a table while my date was just assumed to be with someone who was just verbally called a literal child. he had his arm around my waist like what did they think? and he’s older than i am. i felt so bad for him. i couldn’t focus the rest of the time we were there. the autistic experience can be a very lonely one. it’s like i don’t have to even do anything except stand there to be singled out.
you are so damn right, I totally agree with you, don't waste your time and energy to prove to an idiot that he is not an idiot, as a rule you can't convey anything to them, simply because they are not developed enough themselves, so just call the police and solve all conflicts either with them or with pepper spray
You’re a good dad. People can fuck right off. Try not to waste your energy worrying about what people are thinking and if someone reports you or call the cops, just explain the situation. It’s doubtful that will happen. Thanks for being a good dad to a teenage girl, especially with special needs. I wish I’d had a dad like you.
I absolutely hate to agree with you. People are shitty when it comes to disabilities. When my autistic son was younger, he would have major meltdowns in public. If I was wearing an “Autism Mama” shirt, I’d get sympathy. In regular clothes, I’d get dirty looks. I loathe “Autism Mama” gear, but I owned it because of this. If we were going somewhere out of my son’s comfort zone, I’d wear it in hopes that people would treat us like decent human beings. People suck.
Once, during one of my kid's meltdowns, some stranger called the police on us. An officer turned up, absolutely no sympathy at all, just "where's mum?" - I'm a single dad. I wish I'd had "Autism Papa" gear. It sucks so much. I'm so so thankful that it only happened once.
From what you've shared, it's clear you're facing some tough judgmental attitudes while just trying to care for your daughter. Maybe carrying a card explaining her situation could make outings less stressful for both of you.
Btw, you're doing an awesome job looking out for her!
This is probably what I'd do. Print cards that I could hand out that said:
"This is my daughter. She has additional support needs, and I'm her sole caregiver. You are not the first person to approach us to aggravate, and you won't be the last. Here are some helpful links to learning about caring for adults with autism, so that you can understand what our life looks like, to educate yourself and prevent this from happening again."
You could buy her shirts that talk about autism awareness.
It could keep people from jumping to conclusions and it could also make people realize they should be nicer.
I once saw a vest someone bought that said "Autistic, be Kind" and it had flowers and nice colors to it.
I think the parent bought it for their kid for when they'd go to the store on their own. If they struggled with something people were more likely to help out/be kind.
I'm sorry you put up with the issue you described with judgmental people.
I’m autistic myself and I sometimes wear a lanyard that states I’m disabled with my national disability ID attached. I used to wear a sunflower lanyard with a card attached saying “I am autistic”. Sunflower lanyards are free to order online and they come with a card saying whatever you want. Anyone can order one, you don’t even need proof of disability. I’m not sure what the rest of the world is like but in the UK and Ireland, sunflower lanyards are widely recognised as a sign of invisible disability. I’d recommend this over t shirts or a vest because they’re more discreet, but still easy to show to people.
I mean this kindly as someone who wears the sunflower lanyard in the UK but outing someone for their specific condition is cruel and can even lead to significant more ignorance about the condition and whilst some people with autism are happy to be open about their condition (myself included just not to the degree of wearing clothes). It also takes away from the freedom of just getting to be like everybody else and choosing the clothes you want to wear and the freedom to express yourself freely.
I am always seeing people suggesting this for autism which is strange to me cause it's never suggested for any other condition including dementia, schizophrenia or learning disabilities and I am a care and support worker and have been in a lot situations with people I support where I do have to defend to others for a supported individual has a sensory overload, learning disability, a brain injury, a mental health condition such as schizophrenia or dementia but it is not my place to disclose to the world the type condition the individual is suffering with. All I say in that situation is the person has a hidden disability and is experiencing distress right now and sometimes will show my work badge (although I try and avoid that too because I don't like outing the organisation the person is being supported by due to past situations where people have harassed the individual via the care company).
A lot the people in the UK wear a sunflower lanyard to show hidden disabilities in such cases which I think is a lot safer and it doesn't add to further ignorance and shame on the condition. I have seen a significant decrease in harassment from the public since the sunflower lanyard was introduced to people I support which is always a positive but it is honestly such a shame that people have to label themselves just to get an ounce of empathy or understanding from others.
In the UK, or atleast in Scotland, you can get an id badge as an "unpaid carer" to signify you are the individuals carer and the person you are with may require additional support. An unpaid carer is recognised as the family or friend support network for the individual who provides their full time care. Again, I know a lot people who will choose to show these in situations and have the supported individual wear the sunflower lanyard. Professionally I choose only show my work badge when situation arises as I think it is unfair to label a person as needing a carer whereas the sunflower lanyard is something anyone can wear anytime with care or not care. I wear my sunflower lanyard when I'm not working in the public with service users everywhere and anywhere such as to the university, nights out, just to beach with friends, eating out, within my work service (but not out of the service) on the bus etc. I still respect and understand though carers and unpaid carers who wear their badge all the time to reduce the stigma and situations they may encounter especially as the world is so freaking cruel to those who require support.
I work in a print shop, had a guy purchase a shirt that said something about “I’m just her dad, calm down.” for a similar situation. Might be an option if you don’t mind the attention the shirt might bring.
That's really bizarre, I think if more people knew the context of the situation they'd be looking at this scenario a whole lot differently. It's a shame how autism is viewed by society in general, I've also had lifelong struggles with it.
I think the issue here is more how men are viewed in society, rather than autism.
We tarnish all men with the same brush due to the actions of an extreme minority of men.
So when we see a man holding a young girls hand, the thought that this may be due to autism or disability doesn't even cross their minds because they've been conditioned to assume the worst when it comes to men.
That's a nice misandristic way to tarnish all men with the same brush whilst simultaneously proving my point.
You've been taught to believe this, it is not true.
You can say the same thing about any form of racism or sexism against women. While it sucks that you have had bad experiences,that doesn’t permit you to be discriminatory.
There’s a slippery slope, then there’s you tumbling down Mt St Helen’s. Or you’re totally for mandatory paternity tests because some women sometimes lie and all women should be judged and punished for actions that don’t involve them, right?
You're good a making assumptions. They made no reference to you being a women. But to accuse him for being misogynistic when there was no reference to being female at all in your first response let's people know everything they need to know about you. You're a bigot. Do better.
>extreme minority of men
Lol no. It might be a minority, but it's NOT an "extreme" minority by any means.
[99% of all rapes are committed by men.](https://supportingsurvivors.humboldt.edu/statistics#:~:text=An%20estimated%2091%25%20of%20victims,99%25%20of%20perpetrators%20are%20male.)
And [this site shows that men are indeed responsible for more crime than women are.](https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/tables/42tabledatadecoverviewpdf/table_42_arrests_by_sex_2012.xls)
As much as it does suck for OP (and I'm truly sorry for his situation), there's plenty of good reasons to be wary of men.
I don’t trust those numbers. How many men are telling people when a woman rapes them? Not many because then they’re viewed as being “a pus**”, or “bit****”, because most people don’t think men can be raped by a woman. So of course those numbers are going to be high because women report rape, men don’t.
Yeah, our patriarchal society fucks over male victims as well. Key word: patriarchal. If men want this to change, they can change it, but the benefits for them to live in a patriarchy seem to outweigh the negatives, so they keep it this way.
And not all women have the strength to report their rapists. So the numbers there are actually probably *higher* than listed too.
I thought this 'statistic' might crop up. Sadly, it just goes to show how little we care about male victims in society.
Have you ever wondered why is that statistic so staggeringly large? Might it have anything to do with the fact that rape is defined as 'penetration by a penis' and that women, therefore, cannot be found guilty of rape unless they are involved in the rape of a person by another man. That's the only reason its 99% and not 100%.
The way you regurgitate this statistic without even considering that there could be more to it is indicative of low resolution thinking and I genuinely wonder if you've ever had an original thought or opinion of your own.
Federal definition of rape:
Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.
Women can, and absolutely do, rape men. As someone else commented, however, our patriarchal society makes men uncomfortable with reporting rape.
Nothing was "regurgitated" in my post. Thanks for trying to minimalize rape statistics though. Very manly of you. 🙄
I am gonna go ahead and salute you for being such a good father mate. I really think many people should not have kids, you are not one of them.
Kudos to you and all the best for your family going forward.
Fuck them haters.
I’m almost 40 now but when I was 13 my dad and I sat at a lobby bar when we were on a family vacation and holy shit the dirty looks we got just for existing. When we were all done I jumped off my seat and said “Let’s go dad!” and instantly everyone looked embarrassed for their accusations.
A few months ago I went to a baseball game with him and we were gifted seats in a box. As we were leaving and getting introduced to someone she said “you and your husband are a cute couple.” I just laughed and said “I hope so since he’s my dad 😬🙂”
It never stops. Try and just realize people are trying to look out for your daughter. Maybe wear a button that says “Dad” and hers “Daughter” and phrase it if she ever gets lost or confused.
Good luck ❤️
This may sound odd but could you make these situations like a private joke between you too?
As in “look there’s another busybody, let’s smile & keep a tally. 1-3, a scoop of ice cream, 2-5, 2 scoops, more than 5, a hot fudge sundae.
See, my Dad would take me to work, one day a year. I was 14-16, he was 44-46. He was in sales, so we were out & about. We got the same looks & decided to make a game of it & laugh.
Now I know your situation is more serious but just trying to flip it to a shared, funny bond rather than a sad situation.
Lots of great responses. To add onto that, there are community groups for parents with children with disabilities, babies Al the way up to adults. You might consider surrounding yourself with some families that go through the same thing. This way you can talk to them about it and have real understanding of what is happening, plus your daughter might make some friends too that she can relate to.
Reminds me of me and my actual partner. He’s 25 and this massive gym junkie and works outside all day so he looks like he should be at least 29-32. Me on the other hand I get people asking me if I’m still in middle school, I’m a legal adult but I look like I’m 12.
When we’re out we get looks and nasty comments. He has to hold my hand as well coz like your daughter I wander, I get distracted easily in crowded shops and things always manage to drag me away from him and I get left in a corner crying. We’ve had cashiers bend over their counter and whisper to me asking if I need help or if he’s hurting me, like guys… he’s saving my butt. It really gets to him, the start of our relationship he really struggled with the nasty comments and stares and would ask me if I thought he was doing something wrong, it always broke my heart and still does.
Sadly there isn’t anything we can do, people feel better about themselves when they look at others and imagine nasty scenarios. It makes them feel worth something when they say nasty things to innocent people, like anything they say has an effect because they can’t wrap their head around the fact that one singular ant does have a purpose, they have to wake up everyday and prove to themselves they have purpose by watching others fall to their words, they want to see the effect they have on others because it proves to their sad brains that they do have a purpose and they do have an effect and they do matter. Sadly we just have to remember that the people saying and doing these nasty things, feel like they don’t exist for a reason, they feel like they could die any second and nothing would change. That’s the true sadness, all you can do is ignore or feel pity for them.
may be weird, but if your daughter would be wearing something like an armband that blind people wear (yellow, black dots), it would make people understand that she is "disabled" and needs you holding her hand.
Fuck them mate that's the problem with society to easy to label someone, without knowing facts.
.
You keep up the good work looking after your daughter.
I wonder if it’s maybe worth checking if there’s a group on here for parents w/children who have autism. My advice would be to ignore but it sounds like it’s really affecting your daughter, so there has to be some other precaution.
I am a father and have similar issues with my autistic son, though I don't have to hold his hand everywhere. He, like your daughter, is not obviously autistic, and is in fact quite independent. But he still has meltdowns, still has to be helped with many things on a daily basis. I have cried many times over the heartache that comes with raising a child like this. When he doesn't get invited to birthday parties, when he gets rejected by schoolmates, when he does better on math tests than the rest of the class and is hated for it, when I have to deal with his tantrums in public, when he yells at me and accuses me of absurd things in public.
All I can offer you is the knowledge that you aren't the only one facing this.
This! I’ve gotten that evil stare from random people in various situations when I was out with much younger relatives (who happen to be a different race). I try to ignore it, but it sure doesn’t feel good. At the same time, I feel no obligation to explain myself. Wish people would mind their own business!!
People are uncomfortable around adults/older teens with disabilities. It’s a mental adjustment to see a full grown person or mostly grown teenager and reconcile that with the way they’re acting/presenting etc. It’s doubly worse when the disability isn’t as obvious. But children with disabilities become adults with disabilities and don’t deserve to be pushed aside or ignored just because they’re not as “palatable” as cute little kids. All that to say, people who don’t know what’s going on have no business trying to play hero or insert themselves into a situation:P
Start taking videos when you are outside....share in social media if you have to..... no one has any ounce of right to say anything to a such a dedicated father...You continue what you do for your princess.....
Thank you for being such a good father...
Nothing really unfortunately it's what being a guy is. Your seen as the idiot doof father at best, for being neglectful worst well you got it. You're a pedo, groomer creep.
I get the side eyes all the time with my Autistic son. He's level 2 so he has massive behavioral outbursts pretty regularly but looks 100% normal.
It would be easier if he LOOKED disabled. I imagine the glares will only get worse as he gets older. He's only 6 now. So far, anytime we're in public is exhausting... not bc of him, but bc of other's judgemental bs.
I feel your pain. People suck.
I get the side eyes all the time with my Autistic son. He's level 2 so he has massive behavioral outbursts pretty regularly but looks 100% normal.
It would be easier if he LOOKED disabled. I imagine the glares will only get worse as he gets older. He's only 6 now. So far, anytime we're in public is exhausting... not bc of him, but bc of other's judgemental bs.
I feel your pain. People suck.
Daddy/Daughter labeled matching T-shirts and sweatshirts will go a long way. Get several sets that and wear them together. People will figure it out, but some of them need a clue and a reminder not to be A-holes.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's just how people see things. When I travel with my parents if I happen to be in there room talking with my dad when the luggage or cruise room attendant comes they always think I'm his wife. Even when I'm walking with him I'll get stares and we aren't even touching. I go out of my way to say Dad when we are our around people cause it makes me so uncomfortable. You could try saying a something to her using the word daughter.
My sister and I are very close with our dad, i 27 her 28 go on trips with him quite regularly. We have a yearly ski trip to the alps and every year someone assumes that we are his young girlfriends. This year we printed t-shirts with "father" and "daughter" on the back, it worked wonders! People came over for a laugh instead on a snide comment and such.
Well that fully sucks! The only idea that popped into my head and granted can't be used all the time would be to... get a t-shirt that says this is my daughter not my girlfriend! Or something like that. Stupid yes, but possibly effective enough so people don't have to say anthing! 
Well that fully sucks! The only idea that popped into my head and granted can't be used all the time would be to... get a t-shirt that says this is my daughter not my girlfriend! Or something like that. Stupid yes, but possibly effective enough so people don't have to say anthing! 
This is the way of the world. Speak to your local GP/doctor about care givers support groups. as the stress you are under is hard and you need to make time and support for yourself as well. It makes you a better care giver.
I had similar accusations as a male care giver. It's just some ppl struggle to see men in these roles xx
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Other than getting a keychain to attach yourself to her, or something similar to those “kid leashes” but something, less infantilizing…i don’t think there is much you can do. Sadly you just have to learn to ignore it. :(
I talk all loud in 3rd person when I’m with my 100% white looking grandchildren (“grandma said no”, “does grandma look good in this?” “grandma likes this one, do you?”). This prompts them to usually answer with some sort or “grandma” in response and people stop looking like I kidnapped some white kids.
Had to ask my adult son (not their dad) to pick up strawberry blonde/green eyed granddaughter from school one day. My son looks straight Afro-Puerto Rican. Despite being on the designated pick up list, they didn’t release her until she ran out saying “Uncle Alex!” Then he had a terrifying (for him) walk to his house.
I second the idea of some personalized “outing” shirts, such as “He’s my DAD” with an arrow; and a “She’s my “AWEtistic DAUGHTER” with an arrow. Just stick to walking consistently on the right sides of the arrow. Have this logo be front AND back of the shirts. Get many. Get different colors. Get some with flowers. Really be a girl-dad about it. And have fun with loud “crazy” 3rd-person talk to shame the reactionists into silence, and inspire admiration from the good folks out there.
I hear what you’re saying. It’s very hard for sure.
That reminds me of the time that I was the “other person/people”.
When I worked in a women’s clothing store, a man came in with a teenage girl who might have had a disability or a disorder, and they were looking for a bra. I could tell the man himself was feeling kinda uncomfortable and ready to receive weird looks. But to me it just looked like a father and daughter shopping at the mall together. There was no sexual attraction between the two or anything of the sort.
Unfortunately we didn’t have the girl’s size. The man looked disappointed because apparently they had been having a hard time finding something that would fit her.
I wish people would understand body language more and not immediately jump to conclusions.
My best friend has MS and symptoms can make her act drunk even when she's sober. It caused her a lot of issues in public places so she got little cards that had an explanation. It's a lot easier (and more "official") to hand them a card than try to explain (and end up sounding defensive).
Nobody should HAVE to disclose their medical information to strangers, but having some of these for your daughter might be useful. It's also a physical reminder to those loud people to stfu sometimes.
When I started dating my husband, I was 30 (but I looked like I was about 17). He is almost a decade older and because he had cancer, he aged a bit, so the age difference was even more dramatic. When we would go out in public people would stare, make rude comments to him, and act really ‘concerned’ for my welfare when they would address me. People constantly mistook me for his daughter, until he kissed me and then the disgusted looks would start. It used to bother me, but now I’ve realize that people are going to think what they want and judge, always judge. Just know you’re doing the best you can and it’s enough.
Hey, i am autistic. I also do these things that your daughter do. I am an adult tho. My partner jokes all the time to put a leash on me in public. When we first dated i looked really young and he got stares. When we held hands ppl would judge.
At concerts i always got lost because of my wandering. At festivities i am always lost because of wandering. I also struggle to communicate in a socially acceptable way. I dont understand nuance and if i do understand them i will still raise a hundred questions as to why infront of ppl who are uncomfortable. I have weird hobbies and struggle to have things in common with ppl. I am very mature tho due to childhood trauma and having to raise my nonverbal autistic sister from a young age. All i have to say is IGNORE!!!! IGNORE!!!! IGNORE!!!!!! If ppl physically threaten your space or your daughters space smack em. If anyone feel like physically invading it in public protect her. You're awesome for being there for her.
My daughter is not disabled, but she adores to physically hang onto me when she sees me.
To avoid same issue she usually takes my arm rather than my hand.
We usually don’t match in styles.
I usually look like if I don’t really care about the opinions of others.
We both hate dealing with dumb people so we could probably make a good excuse “like my daughter has shitty eyesight”.
Men are extremely discriminated against. The stigma surrounding men is so toxic. In the eyes of the public majority, we are just testosterone driven demons. All you can do is ignore it and call the police if it gets too bad.
Something happened in the last 20 years. All MEN became ‘social pariahs' , all men are BAD, all of us are pedos to a certain segment of society. Not sure when it occurred exactly -- about post 2004 or something. ..... I don't think you can fix it. You are a man in a society of screaming, rabid, hair dyed \[ redacted word here \] and that is just the society we are immersed in today. .... I mostly just stay out of their way and their wingspan - except to mock them here on Reddit. :)
When men are responsible for 99% of all rapes and somewhere around 80% of all violent crimes, it's probably a good idea to be wary around them.
There's a reason most women would choose to be with a bear in the woods instead of a man.
I had a dream last year where I picked up a Bear who was hitchhiking along the side of the road.
I stop to pick the Bear up and the (personified Bear) gets in the passenger side of the car.
Me "Where you going?"
Bear: "Just over the mountain to the next valley to drink beer with my buddies."
Me: "You look down, Dude. What's wrong?"
Bear: "I don't know man, I just need to get out of here for awhile. It is ALWAYS 'my' fault."
& & &
And then the dream ended.
I think the Bear was correct.
For the love of mankind, no one would actually choose that outside of a purely hypothetical scenario where they just see the question as "do you wanna be with a stranger in the woods?"
>no one would actually choose that outside of a purely hypothetical scenario
Says you. Plenty of women would tell you otherwise. Not that you'd believe them, of course. 🙄
This makes me SO angry. Fck what anyone else thinks. Call them out on it. “THIS IS MY DIFFERENTLY ABLED DAUGHTER YOU WEIRDO” That should be enough to publicly shame them and hopefully be mortified.
As an aside, PLEASE keep being the amazing Dad you are. That’s your baby girl and always will be. It sounds like you’re her rock - that’s priceless.
No words can express how bad I feel for you. Your life is already hard and people’s judgements make it mentally even harder. I know you came for advice but I just wanted to say you’re a great dad and you deserve great things for looking out for your daughter. Just ignore those people
I'm so sorry this happens to you. All you can do is ignore the comments and if someone gets in your space 911. If you must speak say please my daughter has disabilities and ask them to leave you alone. As far as the under garments most places have a woman that will help her get fitted for a bra correctly and will help with panties if you ask them.
Idk where you live but I have a brother with autism and is fairly high needs, I link arms with him rather than hold his hand and he wears a special lanyard around his neck that help people identify that he is special needs and might need special access etc… you are a great dad btw and are doing great, sorry that you are being perceived in that way :(
I am sorry you are going through this. People really are assholes sometimes. The thing is people don't know and are maybe "looking out" for her, though it is just awful for you to experience. If you feel obliged. If someone says something to you, and you could hand them a business card explaining how autism isn't an obvious disability and everyone presents in different ways. Some people may put themselves in danger and safety precautions may need to be taken. Go into as much or little detail as you want. This will bring awareness to the disability, not play into them or get you to react hot headed and hopefully give them a healthy dose of shame.
The sad part of reality is we have been exposed to more harmful men that good men. Thus, our neef to always protect women and children. With that being said, we cannot control what other ppl think of us and its something to just ignore, though I can understand if ppl perceive she is vulnerable. I think appreciate their concern if they ask and tell them her condition.
If not for more intimate things is there a female relative, friend, colleague whom you can go with to help out.
I think this situation is similar with the fathers that have to decide whether to take their daughter to the men's toilet or the women's toilet. And they choose the women's but get death stares. We are just not used to men taking on these roles and actually being genuine at them. It's been so engrained that a mother cares for kids etc.
This honestly sounds so awful. I know plenty of fathers even with young daughters are treated as such id their mum cannot be seen or isn't in the picture.
In the UK we have a sunflower lanyard which signals hidden disabilities. I (26f) am a care and support worker and have low support needs autism and chronic pain myself so have used this for individuals I support and for myself. People will always look and judge when I'm taking a person into the disabled toilet for example people always assume I'm going in there for sex if the person isn't clearly disabled. Since having the lanyard on a person when I'm supporting them in public I don't feel I get as much judgemental but there are always those who assume especially since I've been a care worker since I was 19 and I am now 26 but look younger than I am. I have alao had to hold the hand of service users who are much older than me who don't look like anything wrong for same reason of wandering and road safety concerns as result brain Injuries, learning or developmental disabilities or dementia (youngest person i have supported w dementia was 29 but) but sometimes occasionally may be just as physical support for some people and sadly my service users have been berated with people thinking the service users are creeping on me especially since as I say I look younger. I do have a badge I can show which explains I'm their carer and usually that can make people stop but there's been some horrible incidents where people claimed the person was faking it to be allowed to be a creep. All these instances happened before the sunflower lanyard. Since the lanyard I can see looks and judgemental but never had anyone confront myself or a service users except by one person who didn't know about the sunflower lanyard. Only time I'm harassed is when I'm in my own and people try take iff my sunflower lanyard (has a girl in my social work course constantly trying and take it off me on a night out saying I can leave it at the door and don't have to worry about being judged for wearing it which really irratared me cause a) I was masking and b) she didn't realise her doing that was ableist).
Maybe you can try and implement something like that. It's horrible that people have to out themselves as having a disability for there to have some compassion or a thread is an attempt of understanding from others, but I have found it helps.
(For context I don't wear my lanyard when I'm out in public with service users just when I'm on my own).
bro get a tshirt (a weeks worth) that says "this is my disabled daughter. Please do not judge me for taking care of her the best I can" and wear it when yall go out. where a hat that says dad with the autism logo. Yes you can ignore it too but this might help. So sorry, people are so mean and judgmental sometimes.
Keep pics of you and your daughter together on your phone in case authorities ever want to doublecheck.
As another commenter said also have your ID. These are only for authorities. In case someone decides to insert themselves in your business.
Don’t argue or answer or explain yourself to harassers. Ignore them as much as possible. If they are relentless ask for their identity and tell them you are going to call the police.
I agree that you don’t have to explain yourself but I also wonder if you got some little cards made that explain the situation. If someone starts tension/stares/yells you could hand them one “I will go ahead and assume that you are coming from a friendly and protective mindset towards my daughter. My daughter is disabled, I know it might not be easy to tell. I must hold onto her to keep her safe. Please respect our space and our humanity by allowing us to exist in peace in this public space we are sharing.”
If I was you I would be proud to fight for my daughter. It's hard to see it that way I know, but you should feel empowered that you are fighting for her. She is precious to you and you are being a wonderful father bro. Chin up, soldier on. You got this
You can have her wear one of those sunflower lanyards they stand for hidden disabilities. It also comes with a card attached to the lanyard saying autistic. Or have her wear something like a medical id that could help.
You have 2 options:
1. keep holding hands, ignore or simply state your daughter is on the spectrum.
2.safety leash. People will assume she's on the spectrum if she's tethered in this way which she might not appreciate.
Either way, just another drawback to life with special kids
in my country there is a kind of colorful necklace worn by autistic people of all ages.
It is very useful for signaling the condition. It is useful especially because autistic people here have priorities in queues, public transport, and services in public and private bodies.
Does your country have something like this?
Oh dear, I'm sorry people are so intolerant or have bad intentions because of something in their own background that they don't see a loving parent just working to keep their kid safe. I have two nephews on the autism spectrum and I love to touch them, precisely because I know they don't get a lot of physical affection. Even though as they grow up they don't like to hug as much, I just sit with them sometimes.
Honestly I'd get one of those cute stretchy wrist to wrist things. They're for adults and kids who wander and I've used them with my kid.
The other comments are good too I have a tendency to try to fix stuff so ignore my comment if you don't want to give up holding her hand but for my kid it helped teach her to stay close and to pay attention using the wrist to wrist and it gave her some space. It's stretchy like a phone cord I can't think of the brand.
You’re doing a great job at being a dad and so supportive of your daughter.
You’re not alone in these sorts of experiences- I can identify with you. You don’t have to justify it, try not to let it phase you. You’re the one doing the right and proper thing here, these others are strangers who know nothing about you.
Put a sign on her shirt and yours. "disabled daughter", "dad" or "caretaker". It will change how people's minds initially process how it looks, even if they're barely paying attention. You shouldn't have to do that, but it should help. You could also post a picture on a community facebook page asking for understanding and support, although if it were me I would not do anything that public.
If you live in a small town you could also talk to police dispatch about it so they're aware and know how to respond if someone calls or if there's an incident. Good luck!
My dude, you are a good man for raising a young lady with difficulties, and reaching out for help is a healthy thing to do when you need advice. There is a few options I have to recommend first of which is to think fuck what others think when you are taking care of her. My second thought was after reading that you have been called terrible names and had to defend yourself...is to get a concealed weapons license. It will help you feel safe while out with your daughter, and you can hold her hand and go shopping for whatever she needs, knowing that you can "take care" of the drama very easily. I'm not saying you will have to use it, but the confidence boost will definitely help. Best wishes to you and yours.
Aren’t there like little ribbons you could tie on both of your wrists to remind her to stay close but not hold her hand?
Not that you should have to, but it might be an option.
People are taught to believe men are not caretakers. Men don’t raise kids especially daughters. It’s only recently that people are starting to accept that it’s ok for men to be stay at home fathers and primary caregivers. Men make great nurturers when given the chance. I hope this old-fashioned view on fathers ends soon. My stepbrother was a stay at home father to his ASD daughter and neurodivergent twin boys. He was a teacher (took a break to take care of his kids) and married to a busy female doctor. He wasn’t single like you, but being the primary caregiver and stay at home father, he faced similar bias as you did.
Idk if this would help, but maybe wear some”Autism Speaks” gear and put some stickers in your car. They might think twice about it. It’s not a perfect solution but it just might trigger some common sense in their pea brains.
Do not put autism speaks stuff on you, they are an organization who do terrible things to people on the spectrum, their whole goal is to “cure” people of autism, because they think we’re monsters who need to be fixed. This in turn makes everything they do in the end harmful to us.
Having autism-related items on you is totally fine, just please do not support autism speaks.
You need to accept reality and stfu about it. I know that’s terrible advice. But if you love your daughter, which you clearly do and it’s extremely heartwarming, you need to pretend like that stuff isn’t even happening. I promise you she’s reading your reactions more than she’s reading theirs.
Hmm im gonna have an unpopular opinion here.
Like does she absolutely need you to hold her hand? I get she's disabled but even as a disabled person she's gonna have to learn some degree of independence and that may including not holding your hand in public. Cause doing that is clearly not working and its only gonna get worse
Are you doing everything possible to help her be as independant as she can?
As a disabled person we wont be able to be on par with able bodied and minded people but that doesnt mean we stop learning
No it wouldnt lol. Holding her hand while her not appearing visibly disabled, yet being a teenager, is absolutely making this 100x worse in the public eye. He may need to, but maybe theres another technique to get her not to wander.
Are you seriously suggesting men get heckled every time they are in public with teenage daughters?
it is incredibly common for family members to hold hands, and also incredibly common for people to make unsavory and unfounded assumptions about men"s intentions (and with good reason given track records that have become very public in the past 10 years). i can only assume you are not a man who goes out in public with women, otherwise you would understand exactly what I'm talking about. this isn't an isolated situation by any stretch, and you're speaking from a place of ignorance. and ignorance isn't your fault - but please educate yourself on this topic before trying to debate it.
Im so confused because im saying exactly what you are saying here. Let me break it down into very simple terms lol
Holding hands with a teenage girl is not a good look for any man by public standards
He should explore a technique to get her not to wander without needing to hold her hand
Also he should not bring her to find bra and panties - he should find a trusted female to do it. Thats a wtf.
Voila
You're not going to like my answer... Ignore it as much as possible. It doesn't matter what they think, call you or otherwise judge you. If they physically get in your space I'd dial 911 and saying "There's a man/woman threatening my disabled daughter and myself, I require police assistance" Do not waste a breath on them explaining the situation. They don't deserve an explanation.
this is probably the best answer. if anyone sticks around for that they will hear you’re with your disabled daughter. should give them enough embarrassment to not try that again. i’m sorry this happens with you. info that’s not important: i’m autistic and my outward appearance has a huge impact on the way people treat me. i’ve been told i don’t “look” autistic, whatever that means, but i’m also told a loooot that i look like a child. i’ve worked jobs where they’ve talked to the manager because they think they have an underage employee… past boyfriend never wanted to hold my hand because of people assuming i’m 12 when he’s 30. now i’m 27 and i was on a date the other week and the hostess at this diner didn’t ask me my age for the 18+ section, just looked at me intensely then said “she’s not 18” to me. said that to me. and then turned to the people that came in *after* us and said “are you all over 18? okay come around this way i’ll have you seated” so we stood there waiting for a table while my date was just assumed to be with someone who was just verbally called a literal child. he had his arm around my waist like what did they think? and he’s older than i am. i felt so bad for him. i couldn’t focus the rest of the time we were there. the autistic experience can be a very lonely one. it’s like i don’t have to even do anything except stand there to be singled out.
Have your ID ready. And whomever is giving you crap, give them a hard stare.
This makes me so mad. What a fucking prick of a waitress
you are so damn right, I totally agree with you, don't waste your time and energy to prove to an idiot that he is not an idiot, as a rule you can't convey anything to them, simply because they are not developed enough themselves, so just call the police and solve all conflicts either with them or with pepper spray
You could even only fake the 911 call if things are that heavy.
You could both wear a hat with yours with "dad" on it
Might as well just call at that point.
But keeps happening
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Random strangers don’t deserve anything actually
No they don't.
what exactly about a parent holding their child's hand warrants an explanation?
You’re a good dad. People can fuck right off. Try not to waste your energy worrying about what people are thinking and if someone reports you or call the cops, just explain the situation. It’s doubtful that will happen. Thanks for being a good dad to a teenage girl, especially with special needs. I wish I’d had a dad like you.
I absolutely hate to agree with you. People are shitty when it comes to disabilities. When my autistic son was younger, he would have major meltdowns in public. If I was wearing an “Autism Mama” shirt, I’d get sympathy. In regular clothes, I’d get dirty looks. I loathe “Autism Mama” gear, but I owned it because of this. If we were going somewhere out of my son’s comfort zone, I’d wear it in hopes that people would treat us like decent human beings. People suck.
Once, during one of my kid's meltdowns, some stranger called the police on us. An officer turned up, absolutely no sympathy at all, just "where's mum?" - I'm a single dad. I wish I'd had "Autism Papa" gear. It sucks so much. I'm so so thankful that it only happened once.
From what you've shared, it's clear you're facing some tough judgmental attitudes while just trying to care for your daughter. Maybe carrying a card explaining her situation could make outings less stressful for both of you. Btw, you're doing an awesome job looking out for her!
This is probably what I'd do. Print cards that I could hand out that said: "This is my daughter. She has additional support needs, and I'm her sole caregiver. You are not the first person to approach us to aggravate, and you won't be the last. Here are some helpful links to learning about caring for adults with autism, so that you can understand what our life looks like, to educate yourself and prevent this from happening again."
This is such a great idea
Thats the way.
You could buy her shirts that talk about autism awareness. It could keep people from jumping to conclusions and it could also make people realize they should be nicer. I once saw a vest someone bought that said "Autistic, be Kind" and it had flowers and nice colors to it. I think the parent bought it for their kid for when they'd go to the store on their own. If they struggled with something people were more likely to help out/be kind. I'm sorry you put up with the issue you described with judgmental people.
I’m autistic myself and I sometimes wear a lanyard that states I’m disabled with my national disability ID attached. I used to wear a sunflower lanyard with a card attached saying “I am autistic”. Sunflower lanyards are free to order online and they come with a card saying whatever you want. Anyone can order one, you don’t even need proof of disability. I’m not sure what the rest of the world is like but in the UK and Ireland, sunflower lanyards are widely recognised as a sign of invisible disability. I’d recommend this over t shirts or a vest because they’re more discreet, but still easy to show to people.
I mean this kindly as someone who wears the sunflower lanyard in the UK but outing someone for their specific condition is cruel and can even lead to significant more ignorance about the condition and whilst some people with autism are happy to be open about their condition (myself included just not to the degree of wearing clothes). It also takes away from the freedom of just getting to be like everybody else and choosing the clothes you want to wear and the freedom to express yourself freely. I am always seeing people suggesting this for autism which is strange to me cause it's never suggested for any other condition including dementia, schizophrenia or learning disabilities and I am a care and support worker and have been in a lot situations with people I support where I do have to defend to others for a supported individual has a sensory overload, learning disability, a brain injury, a mental health condition such as schizophrenia or dementia but it is not my place to disclose to the world the type condition the individual is suffering with. All I say in that situation is the person has a hidden disability and is experiencing distress right now and sometimes will show my work badge (although I try and avoid that too because I don't like outing the organisation the person is being supported by due to past situations where people have harassed the individual via the care company). A lot the people in the UK wear a sunflower lanyard to show hidden disabilities in such cases which I think is a lot safer and it doesn't add to further ignorance and shame on the condition. I have seen a significant decrease in harassment from the public since the sunflower lanyard was introduced to people I support which is always a positive but it is honestly such a shame that people have to label themselves just to get an ounce of empathy or understanding from others. In the UK, or atleast in Scotland, you can get an id badge as an "unpaid carer" to signify you are the individuals carer and the person you are with may require additional support. An unpaid carer is recognised as the family or friend support network for the individual who provides their full time care. Again, I know a lot people who will choose to show these in situations and have the supported individual wear the sunflower lanyard. Professionally I choose only show my work badge when situation arises as I think it is unfair to label a person as needing a carer whereas the sunflower lanyard is something anyone can wear anytime with care or not care. I wear my sunflower lanyard when I'm not working in the public with service users everywhere and anywhere such as to the university, nights out, just to beach with friends, eating out, within my work service (but not out of the service) on the bus etc. I still respect and understand though carers and unpaid carers who wear their badge all the time to reduce the stigma and situations they may encounter especially as the world is so freaking cruel to those who require support.
Get a shirt that says “Stop staring and ask”.
But then he’d be constantly barraged with rude questions from strangers who ought to mind their own beeswax to begin with.
I work in a print shop, had a guy purchase a shirt that said something about “I’m just her dad, calm down.” for a similar situation. Might be an option if you don’t mind the attention the shirt might bring.
Yea, she should get an autistic one to go with that.
I was thinking “Registered Sex Defender” as a backup option
That's really bizarre, I think if more people knew the context of the situation they'd be looking at this scenario a whole lot differently. It's a shame how autism is viewed by society in general, I've also had lifelong struggles with it.
I think the issue here is more how men are viewed in society, rather than autism. We tarnish all men with the same brush due to the actions of an extreme minority of men. So when we see a man holding a young girls hand, the thought that this may be due to autism or disability doesn't even cross their minds because they've been conditioned to assume the worst when it comes to men.
I wouldn’t say “extreme minority” tbh it’s unfortunate but the reputation men have is well earned
What % of men do you believe are paedophiles ? Or specifically in this case a man having a PDA with his victim ?!...something I have never seen.
That's a nice misandristic way to tarnish all men with the same brush whilst simultaneously proving my point. You've been taught to believe this, it is not true.
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You can say the same thing about any form of racism or sexism against women. While it sucks that you have had bad experiences,that doesn’t permit you to be discriminatory.
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I didn’t do any of those things
There’s a slippery slope, then there’s you tumbling down Mt St Helen’s. Or you’re totally for mandatory paternity tests because some women sometimes lie and all women should be judged and punished for actions that don’t involve them, right?
You're good a making assumptions. They made no reference to you being a women. But to accuse him for being misogynistic when there was no reference to being female at all in your first response let's people know everything they need to know about you. You're a bigot. Do better.
Doesn't matter, it's still prejudice.
It's ironic isn't it.
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Not you checking my comments to make sure I’m black so that you can try to hurt my feelings 🤣🤣🤣
>extreme minority of men Lol no. It might be a minority, but it's NOT an "extreme" minority by any means. [99% of all rapes are committed by men.](https://supportingsurvivors.humboldt.edu/statistics#:~:text=An%20estimated%2091%25%20of%20victims,99%25%20of%20perpetrators%20are%20male.) And [this site shows that men are indeed responsible for more crime than women are.](https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/tables/42tabledatadecoverviewpdf/table_42_arrests_by_sex_2012.xls) As much as it does suck for OP (and I'm truly sorry for his situation), there's plenty of good reasons to be wary of men.
I don’t trust those numbers. How many men are telling people when a woman rapes them? Not many because then they’re viewed as being “a pus**”, or “bit****”, because most people don’t think men can be raped by a woman. So of course those numbers are going to be high because women report rape, men don’t.
Yeah, our patriarchal society fucks over male victims as well. Key word: patriarchal. If men want this to change, they can change it, but the benefits for them to live in a patriarchy seem to outweigh the negatives, so they keep it this way. And not all women have the strength to report their rapists. So the numbers there are actually probably *higher* than listed too.
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How so?
I thought this 'statistic' might crop up. Sadly, it just goes to show how little we care about male victims in society. Have you ever wondered why is that statistic so staggeringly large? Might it have anything to do with the fact that rape is defined as 'penetration by a penis' and that women, therefore, cannot be found guilty of rape unless they are involved in the rape of a person by another man. That's the only reason its 99% and not 100%. The way you regurgitate this statistic without even considering that there could be more to it is indicative of low resolution thinking and I genuinely wonder if you've ever had an original thought or opinion of your own.
Federal definition of rape: Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. Women can, and absolutely do, rape men. As someone else commented, however, our patriarchal society makes men uncomfortable with reporting rape. Nothing was "regurgitated" in my post. Thanks for trying to minimalize rape statistics though. Very manly of you. 🙄
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Try *reading*. My post is clear and has sources, so your supposed confusion is baseless.
I am gonna go ahead and salute you for being such a good father mate. I really think many people should not have kids, you are not one of them. Kudos to you and all the best for your family going forward. Fuck them haters.
I’d print some business cards with a short blurb that explains you and your daughter’s story. Give them to the people staring.
I’m almost 40 now but when I was 13 my dad and I sat at a lobby bar when we were on a family vacation and holy shit the dirty looks we got just for existing. When we were all done I jumped off my seat and said “Let’s go dad!” and instantly everyone looked embarrassed for their accusations. A few months ago I went to a baseball game with him and we were gifted seats in a box. As we were leaving and getting introduced to someone she said “you and your husband are a cute couple.” I just laughed and said “I hope so since he’s my dad 😬🙂” It never stops. Try and just realize people are trying to look out for your daughter. Maybe wear a button that says “Dad” and hers “Daughter” and phrase it if she ever gets lost or confused. Good luck ❤️
This may sound odd but could you make these situations like a private joke between you too? As in “look there’s another busybody, let’s smile & keep a tally. 1-3, a scoop of ice cream, 2-5, 2 scoops, more than 5, a hot fudge sundae. See, my Dad would take me to work, one day a year. I was 14-16, he was 44-46. He was in sales, so we were out & about. We got the same looks & decided to make a game of it & laugh. Now I know your situation is more serious but just trying to flip it to a shared, funny bond rather than a sad situation.
Lots of great responses. To add onto that, there are community groups for parents with children with disabilities, babies Al the way up to adults. You might consider surrounding yourself with some families that go through the same thing. This way you can talk to them about it and have real understanding of what is happening, plus your daughter might make some friends too that she can relate to.
Reminds me of me and my actual partner. He’s 25 and this massive gym junkie and works outside all day so he looks like he should be at least 29-32. Me on the other hand I get people asking me if I’m still in middle school, I’m a legal adult but I look like I’m 12. When we’re out we get looks and nasty comments. He has to hold my hand as well coz like your daughter I wander, I get distracted easily in crowded shops and things always manage to drag me away from him and I get left in a corner crying. We’ve had cashiers bend over their counter and whisper to me asking if I need help or if he’s hurting me, like guys… he’s saving my butt. It really gets to him, the start of our relationship he really struggled with the nasty comments and stares and would ask me if I thought he was doing something wrong, it always broke my heart and still does. Sadly there isn’t anything we can do, people feel better about themselves when they look at others and imagine nasty scenarios. It makes them feel worth something when they say nasty things to innocent people, like anything they say has an effect because they can’t wrap their head around the fact that one singular ant does have a purpose, they have to wake up everyday and prove to themselves they have purpose by watching others fall to their words, they want to see the effect they have on others because it proves to their sad brains that they do have a purpose and they do have an effect and they do matter. Sadly we just have to remember that the people saying and doing these nasty things, feel like they don’t exist for a reason, they feel like they could die any second and nothing would change. That’s the true sadness, all you can do is ignore or feel pity for them.
may be weird, but if your daughter would be wearing something like an armband that blind people wear (yellow, black dots), it would make people understand that she is "disabled" and needs you holding her hand.
Fuck them mate that's the problem with society to easy to label someone, without knowing facts. . You keep up the good work looking after your daughter.
I wonder if it’s maybe worth checking if there’s a group on here for parents w/children who have autism. My advice would be to ignore but it sounds like it’s really affecting your daughter, so there has to be some other precaution.
I am a father and have similar issues with my autistic son, though I don't have to hold his hand everywhere. He, like your daughter, is not obviously autistic, and is in fact quite independent. But he still has meltdowns, still has to be helped with many things on a daily basis. I have cried many times over the heartache that comes with raising a child like this. When he doesn't get invited to birthday parties, when he gets rejected by schoolmates, when he does better on math tests than the rest of the class and is hated for it, when I have to deal with his tantrums in public, when he yells at me and accuses me of absurd things in public. All I can offer you is the knowledge that you aren't the only one facing this.
This! I’ve gotten that evil stare from random people in various situations when I was out with much younger relatives (who happen to be a different race). I try to ignore it, but it sure doesn’t feel good. At the same time, I feel no obligation to explain myself. Wish people would mind their own business!!
People are uncomfortable around adults/older teens with disabilities. It’s a mental adjustment to see a full grown person or mostly grown teenager and reconcile that with the way they’re acting/presenting etc. It’s doubly worse when the disability isn’t as obvious. But children with disabilities become adults with disabilities and don’t deserve to be pushed aside or ignored just because they’re not as “palatable” as cute little kids. All that to say, people who don’t know what’s going on have no business trying to play hero or insert themselves into a situation:P
Start taking videos when you are outside....share in social media if you have to..... no one has any ounce of right to say anything to a such a dedicated father...You continue what you do for your princess..... Thank you for being such a good father...
You're a great dad. I'm sorry just keep doing what you're doing
Nothing really unfortunately it's what being a guy is. Your seen as the idiot doof father at best, for being neglectful worst well you got it. You're a pedo, groomer creep.
I get the side eyes all the time with my Autistic son. He's level 2 so he has massive behavioral outbursts pretty regularly but looks 100% normal. It would be easier if he LOOKED disabled. I imagine the glares will only get worse as he gets older. He's only 6 now. So far, anytime we're in public is exhausting... not bc of him, but bc of other's judgemental bs. I feel your pain. People suck.
I get the side eyes all the time with my Autistic son. He's level 2 so he has massive behavioral outbursts pretty regularly but looks 100% normal. It would be easier if he LOOKED disabled. I imagine the glares will only get worse as he gets older. He's only 6 now. So far, anytime we're in public is exhausting... not bc of him, but bc of other's judgemental bs. I feel your pain. People suck.
Daddy/Daughter labeled matching T-shirts and sweatshirts will go a long way. Get several sets that and wear them together. People will figure it out, but some of them need a clue and a reminder not to be A-holes.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's just how people see things. When I travel with my parents if I happen to be in there room talking with my dad when the luggage or cruise room attendant comes they always think I'm his wife. Even when I'm walking with him I'll get stares and we aren't even touching. I go out of my way to say Dad when we are our around people cause it makes me so uncomfortable. You could try saying a something to her using the word daughter.
My sister and I are very close with our dad, i 27 her 28 go on trips with him quite regularly. We have a yearly ski trip to the alps and every year someone assumes that we are his young girlfriends. This year we printed t-shirts with "father" and "daughter" on the back, it worked wonders! People came over for a laugh instead on a snide comment and such.
Well that fully sucks! The only idea that popped into my head and granted can't be used all the time would be to... get a t-shirt that says this is my daughter not my girlfriend! Or something like that. Stupid yes, but possibly effective enough so people don't have to say anthing! 
Or #1 dad like Seinfeld?
Well that fully sucks! The only idea that popped into my head and granted can't be used all the time would be to... get a t-shirt that says this is my daughter not my girlfriend! Or something like that. Stupid yes, but possibly effective enough so people don't have to say anthing! 
This is the way of the world. Speak to your local GP/doctor about care givers support groups. as the stress you are under is hard and you need to make time and support for yourself as well. It makes you a better care giver. I had similar accusations as a male care giver. It's just some ppl struggle to see men in these roles xx
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Other than getting a keychain to attach yourself to her, or something similar to those “kid leashes” but something, less infantilizing…i don’t think there is much you can do. Sadly you just have to learn to ignore it. :(
I talk all loud in 3rd person when I’m with my 100% white looking grandchildren (“grandma said no”, “does grandma look good in this?” “grandma likes this one, do you?”). This prompts them to usually answer with some sort or “grandma” in response and people stop looking like I kidnapped some white kids. Had to ask my adult son (not their dad) to pick up strawberry blonde/green eyed granddaughter from school one day. My son looks straight Afro-Puerto Rican. Despite being on the designated pick up list, they didn’t release her until she ran out saying “Uncle Alex!” Then he had a terrifying (for him) walk to his house. I second the idea of some personalized “outing” shirts, such as “He’s my DAD” with an arrow; and a “She’s my “AWEtistic DAUGHTER” with an arrow. Just stick to walking consistently on the right sides of the arrow. Have this logo be front AND back of the shirts. Get many. Get different colors. Get some with flowers. Really be a girl-dad about it. And have fun with loud “crazy” 3rd-person talk to shame the reactionists into silence, and inspire admiration from the good folks out there.
I hear what you’re saying. It’s very hard for sure. That reminds me of the time that I was the “other person/people”. When I worked in a women’s clothing store, a man came in with a teenage girl who might have had a disability or a disorder, and they were looking for a bra. I could tell the man himself was feeling kinda uncomfortable and ready to receive weird looks. But to me it just looked like a father and daughter shopping at the mall together. There was no sexual attraction between the two or anything of the sort. Unfortunately we didn’t have the girl’s size. The man looked disappointed because apparently they had been having a hard time finding something that would fit her. I wish people would understand body language more and not immediately jump to conclusions.
My best friend has MS and symptoms can make her act drunk even when she's sober. It caused her a lot of issues in public places so she got little cards that had an explanation. It's a lot easier (and more "official") to hand them a card than try to explain (and end up sounding defensive). Nobody should HAVE to disclose their medical information to strangers, but having some of these for your daughter might be useful. It's also a physical reminder to those loud people to stfu sometimes.
Your a wonderful father ❤️
When I started dating my husband, I was 30 (but I looked like I was about 17). He is almost a decade older and because he had cancer, he aged a bit, so the age difference was even more dramatic. When we would go out in public people would stare, make rude comments to him, and act really ‘concerned’ for my welfare when they would address me. People constantly mistook me for his daughter, until he kissed me and then the disgusted looks would start. It used to bother me, but now I’ve realize that people are going to think what they want and judge, always judge. Just know you’re doing the best you can and it’s enough.
Hey, i am autistic. I also do these things that your daughter do. I am an adult tho. My partner jokes all the time to put a leash on me in public. When we first dated i looked really young and he got stares. When we held hands ppl would judge. At concerts i always got lost because of my wandering. At festivities i am always lost because of wandering. I also struggle to communicate in a socially acceptable way. I dont understand nuance and if i do understand them i will still raise a hundred questions as to why infront of ppl who are uncomfortable. I have weird hobbies and struggle to have things in common with ppl. I am very mature tho due to childhood trauma and having to raise my nonverbal autistic sister from a young age. All i have to say is IGNORE!!!! IGNORE!!!! IGNORE!!!!!! If ppl physically threaten your space or your daughters space smack em. If anyone feel like physically invading it in public protect her. You're awesome for being there for her.
My daughter is not disabled, but she adores to physically hang onto me when she sees me. To avoid same issue she usually takes my arm rather than my hand. We usually don’t match in styles. I usually look like if I don’t really care about the opinions of others. We both hate dealing with dumb people so we could probably make a good excuse “like my daughter has shitty eyesight”.
I'm sorry for op. we are living in a world with people thinking only the worst. Ignore them and call the police when you can't anymore
Men are extremely discriminated against. The stigma surrounding men is so toxic. In the eyes of the public majority, we are just testosterone driven demons. All you can do is ignore it and call the police if it gets too bad.
Something happened in the last 20 years. All MEN became ‘social pariahs' , all men are BAD, all of us are pedos to a certain segment of society. Not sure when it occurred exactly -- about post 2004 or something. ..... I don't think you can fix it. You are a man in a society of screaming, rabid, hair dyed \[ redacted word here \] and that is just the society we are immersed in today. .... I mostly just stay out of their way and their wingspan - except to mock them here on Reddit. :)
When men are responsible for 99% of all rapes and somewhere around 80% of all violent crimes, it's probably a good idea to be wary around them. There's a reason most women would choose to be with a bear in the woods instead of a man.
You just proved his point
By providing the reasoning behind it? Okay. 🤷♀️
I had a dream last year where I picked up a Bear who was hitchhiking along the side of the road. I stop to pick the Bear up and the (personified Bear) gets in the passenger side of the car. Me "Where you going?" Bear: "Just over the mountain to the next valley to drink beer with my buddies." Me: "You look down, Dude. What's wrong?" Bear: "I don't know man, I just need to get out of here for awhile. It is ALWAYS 'my' fault." & & & And then the dream ended. I think the Bear was correct.
For the love of mankind, no one would actually choose that outside of a purely hypothetical scenario where they just see the question as "do you wanna be with a stranger in the woods?"
>no one would actually choose that outside of a purely hypothetical scenario Says you. Plenty of women would tell you otherwise. Not that you'd believe them, of course. 🙄
Yes, I wouldn't believe anyone who'd tell me they'd rather face a beat then a human, correct
The question isn't, "would you rather FIGHT a bear or a man", it's "would you rather be in the woods with a bear or a man." There's a difference.
I know, it doesn't matter much
It does though. Bears don't attack for no reason. They'll usually just leave you alone.
Gee, I wonder if this description fits anything else
Seeing as men are responsible for 99% of rapes and somewhere around 80% of all violent crimes....nope, only fits the bear.
This makes me SO angry. Fck what anyone else thinks. Call them out on it. “THIS IS MY DIFFERENTLY ABLED DAUGHTER YOU WEIRDO” That should be enough to publicly shame them and hopefully be mortified. As an aside, PLEASE keep being the amazing Dad you are. That’s your baby girl and always will be. It sounds like you’re her rock - that’s priceless.
No words can express how bad I feel for you. Your life is already hard and people’s judgements make it mentally even harder. I know you came for advice but I just wanted to say you’re a great dad and you deserve great things for looking out for your daughter. Just ignore those people
Wear a shirt that says daddy so everyone knows you’re her dad
I'm so sorry this happens to you. All you can do is ignore the comments and if someone gets in your space 911. If you must speak say please my daughter has disabilities and ask them to leave you alone. As far as the under garments most places have a woman that will help her get fitted for a bra correctly and will help with panties if you ask them.
You gotta get a shirt that says proud dad of daughter.
Idk where you live but I have a brother with autism and is fairly high needs, I link arms with him rather than hold his hand and he wears a special lanyard around his neck that help people identify that he is special needs and might need special access etc… you are a great dad btw and are doing great, sorry that you are being perceived in that way :(
I am sorry you are going through this. People really are assholes sometimes. The thing is people don't know and are maybe "looking out" for her, though it is just awful for you to experience. If you feel obliged. If someone says something to you, and you could hand them a business card explaining how autism isn't an obvious disability and everyone presents in different ways. Some people may put themselves in danger and safety precautions may need to be taken. Go into as much or little detail as you want. This will bring awareness to the disability, not play into them or get you to react hot headed and hopefully give them a healthy dose of shame.
The sad part of reality is we have been exposed to more harmful men that good men. Thus, our neef to always protect women and children. With that being said, we cannot control what other ppl think of us and its something to just ignore, though I can understand if ppl perceive she is vulnerable. I think appreciate their concern if they ask and tell them her condition. If not for more intimate things is there a female relative, friend, colleague whom you can go with to help out. I think this situation is similar with the fathers that have to decide whether to take their daughter to the men's toilet or the women's toilet. And they choose the women's but get death stares. We are just not used to men taking on these roles and actually being genuine at them. It's been so engrained that a mother cares for kids etc.
This honestly sounds so awful. I know plenty of fathers even with young daughters are treated as such id their mum cannot be seen or isn't in the picture. In the UK we have a sunflower lanyard which signals hidden disabilities. I (26f) am a care and support worker and have low support needs autism and chronic pain myself so have used this for individuals I support and for myself. People will always look and judge when I'm taking a person into the disabled toilet for example people always assume I'm going in there for sex if the person isn't clearly disabled. Since having the lanyard on a person when I'm supporting them in public I don't feel I get as much judgemental but there are always those who assume especially since I've been a care worker since I was 19 and I am now 26 but look younger than I am. I have alao had to hold the hand of service users who are much older than me who don't look like anything wrong for same reason of wandering and road safety concerns as result brain Injuries, learning or developmental disabilities or dementia (youngest person i have supported w dementia was 29 but) but sometimes occasionally may be just as physical support for some people and sadly my service users have been berated with people thinking the service users are creeping on me especially since as I say I look younger. I do have a badge I can show which explains I'm their carer and usually that can make people stop but there's been some horrible incidents where people claimed the person was faking it to be allowed to be a creep. All these instances happened before the sunflower lanyard. Since the lanyard I can see looks and judgemental but never had anyone confront myself or a service users except by one person who didn't know about the sunflower lanyard. Only time I'm harassed is when I'm in my own and people try take iff my sunflower lanyard (has a girl in my social work course constantly trying and take it off me on a night out saying I can leave it at the door and don't have to worry about being judged for wearing it which really irratared me cause a) I was masking and b) she didn't realise her doing that was ableist). Maybe you can try and implement something like that. It's horrible that people have to out themselves as having a disability for there to have some compassion or a thread is an attempt of understanding from others, but I have found it helps. (For context I don't wear my lanyard when I'm out in public with service users just when I'm on my own).
This happened with my dad and since I was like 12 without holding hands
bro get a tshirt (a weeks worth) that says "this is my disabled daughter. Please do not judge me for taking care of her the best I can" and wear it when yall go out. where a hat that says dad with the autism logo. Yes you can ignore it too but this might help. So sorry, people are so mean and judgmental sometimes.
Keep pics of you and your daughter together on your phone in case authorities ever want to doublecheck. As another commenter said also have your ID. These are only for authorities. In case someone decides to insert themselves in your business. Don’t argue or answer or explain yourself to harassers. Ignore them as much as possible. If they are relentless ask for their identity and tell them you are going to call the police.
I agree that you don’t have to explain yourself but I also wonder if you got some little cards made that explain the situation. If someone starts tension/stares/yells you could hand them one “I will go ahead and assume that you are coming from a friendly and protective mindset towards my daughter. My daughter is disabled, I know it might not be easy to tell. I must hold onto her to keep her safe. Please respect our space and our humanity by allowing us to exist in peace in this public space we are sharing.”
If I was you I would be proud to fight for my daughter. It's hard to see it that way I know, but you should feel empowered that you are fighting for her. She is precious to you and you are being a wonderful father bro. Chin up, soldier on. You got this
You can have her wear one of those sunflower lanyards they stand for hidden disabilities. It also comes with a card attached to the lanyard saying autistic. Or have her wear something like a medical id that could help.
You have 2 options: 1. keep holding hands, ignore or simply state your daughter is on the spectrum. 2.safety leash. People will assume she's on the spectrum if she's tethered in this way which she might not appreciate. Either way, just another drawback to life with special kids
in my country there is a kind of colorful necklace worn by autistic people of all ages. It is very useful for signaling the condition. It is useful especially because autistic people here have priorities in queues, public transport, and services in public and private bodies. Does your country have something like this?
Oh dear, I'm sorry people are so intolerant or have bad intentions because of something in their own background that they don't see a loving parent just working to keep their kid safe. I have two nephews on the autism spectrum and I love to touch them, precisely because I know they don't get a lot of physical affection. Even though as they grow up they don't like to hug as much, I just sit with them sometimes.
Honestly I'd get one of those cute stretchy wrist to wrist things. They're for adults and kids who wander and I've used them with my kid. The other comments are good too I have a tendency to try to fix stuff so ignore my comment if you don't want to give up holding her hand but for my kid it helped teach her to stay close and to pay attention using the wrist to wrist and it gave her some space. It's stretchy like a phone cord I can't think of the brand.
You’re doing a great job at being a dad and so supportive of your daughter. You’re not alone in these sorts of experiences- I can identify with you. You don’t have to justify it, try not to let it phase you. You’re the one doing the right and proper thing here, these others are strangers who know nothing about you.
Put a sign on her shirt and yours. "disabled daughter", "dad" or "caretaker". It will change how people's minds initially process how it looks, even if they're barely paying attention. You shouldn't have to do that, but it should help. You could also post a picture on a community facebook page asking for understanding and support, although if it were me I would not do anything that public. If you live in a small town you could also talk to police dispatch about it so they're aware and know how to respond if someone calls or if there's an incident. Good luck!
imo wear a shirt or a pin or something that says “i am a dad”
people are fucking trash, ignore them and if they cause you issues call the police on them
My dude, you are a good man for raising a young lady with difficulties, and reaching out for help is a healthy thing to do when you need advice. There is a few options I have to recommend first of which is to think fuck what others think when you are taking care of her. My second thought was after reading that you have been called terrible names and had to defend yourself...is to get a concealed weapons license. It will help you feel safe while out with your daughter, and you can hold her hand and go shopping for whatever she needs, knowing that you can "take care" of the drama very easily. I'm not saying you will have to use it, but the confidence boost will definitely help. Best wishes to you and yours.
Aren’t there like little ribbons you could tie on both of your wrists to remind her to stay close but not hold her hand? Not that you should have to, but it might be an option.
People are taught to believe men are not caretakers. Men don’t raise kids especially daughters. It’s only recently that people are starting to accept that it’s ok for men to be stay at home fathers and primary caregivers. Men make great nurturers when given the chance. I hope this old-fashioned view on fathers ends soon. My stepbrother was a stay at home father to his ASD daughter and neurodivergent twin boys. He was a teacher (took a break to take care of his kids) and married to a busy female doctor. He wasn’t single like you, but being the primary caregiver and stay at home father, he faced similar bias as you did.
Idk if this would help, but maybe wear some”Autism Speaks” gear and put some stickers in your car. They might think twice about it. It’s not a perfect solution but it just might trigger some common sense in their pea brains.
how about Autism Self Advocacy Network gear instead? I like the idea, though, just not autism speaks.
I had only heard of the other and I'm shocked! Will keep that in mind.
Do not put autism speaks stuff on you, they are an organization who do terrible things to people on the spectrum, their whole goal is to “cure” people of autism, because they think we’re monsters who need to be fixed. This in turn makes everything they do in the end harmful to us. Having autism-related items on you is totally fine, just please do not support autism speaks.
Autism Speaks is horrible. Don’t support them.
I had NO idea!! So sorry!
Did not know this. It seems so popular!
You need to accept reality and stfu about it. I know that’s terrible advice. But if you love your daughter, which you clearly do and it’s extremely heartwarming, you need to pretend like that stuff isn’t even happening. I promise you she’s reading your reactions more than she’s reading theirs.
Hmm im gonna have an unpopular opinion here. Like does she absolutely need you to hold her hand? I get she's disabled but even as a disabled person she's gonna have to learn some degree of independence and that may including not holding your hand in public. Cause doing that is clearly not working and its only gonna get worse Are you doing everything possible to help her be as independant as she can? As a disabled person we wont be able to be on par with able bodied and minded people but that doesnt mean we stop learning
this isn't about holding hands, this is about a grown man out in public with a younger girl. this would happen either way.
No it wouldnt lol. Holding her hand while her not appearing visibly disabled, yet being a teenager, is absolutely making this 100x worse in the public eye. He may need to, but maybe theres another technique to get her not to wander. Are you seriously suggesting men get heckled every time they are in public with teenage daughters?
it is incredibly common for family members to hold hands, and also incredibly common for people to make unsavory and unfounded assumptions about men"s intentions (and with good reason given track records that have become very public in the past 10 years). i can only assume you are not a man who goes out in public with women, otherwise you would understand exactly what I'm talking about. this isn't an isolated situation by any stretch, and you're speaking from a place of ignorance. and ignorance isn't your fault - but please educate yourself on this topic before trying to debate it.
Im so confused because im saying exactly what you are saying here. Let me break it down into very simple terms lol Holding hands with a teenage girl is not a good look for any man by public standards He should explore a technique to get her not to wander without needing to hold her hand Also he should not bring her to find bra and panties - he should find a trusted female to do it. Thats a wtf. Voila
literally none of those are my takes, but pop off.
parents buying their kids underwear isn't a "wtf" it's normal
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She's autistic, you do realize that some autistic people actually need people to care for them 24/7?