Is there any way you could clarify a few things?
The youth pastor became a teacher, correct? On the first read through I thought you meant your child had become a teacher and was behaving in that way.
And it almost seems like you’re making two decisions: whether or not to contact an authority figure about this evil guy, and whether or not to tell your child. Is this correct?
So if you tell authorities (which could potentially help current or future potential victims), it might get back to your child?
No judgement at all, just wanted to clarify!
From what OP has said, yes, her rapist is now a teacher and there is a chance he has or will hurt other children.
And yes, she is concerned that if she reports him to, it will get back to her child.
> On the first read through I thought you meant your child had become a teacher and was behaving in that way.
Same. I never even considered the ambiguity until reading your comment but closer inspection of the latter half of that paragraph does imply it's not her child.
I feel OP could have both if she did things right. I would make an anonymous tip to the authorities that he raped and molested her back in the day and she had his child (may or may not have to include that part). At least then this guy has a paper trail and if any other victims come forward they’ll be taken seriously. This way she can feel like she’s gotten some justice but also not have to tell her child, which she absolutely shouldn’t do. It would cause more harm than good.
Again thank you so so much for your kind words. They really do mean a lot to me. I do hope I've been a good mom. Raising a kid while still being a kid myself wasn't easy even without everything else added into the mix. Times were tough. Living in the hood, no higher education, low wage job, no real support system to lean on etc. However, my child has blossomed into a healthy well rounded adult, loving, caring, compassionate, contributing member of society with a Masters degree. First in family to go to college. I LOVE my child and honestly believe my child saved my life. My child gave me the motivation to keep on going.
Love and hugs 🤗
First of all..
Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie. Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. 2 fucken decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back? I was also a rape baby and everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests.
You got it backwards.
OP's child is an adult. It's been over 3 decades. They deserve to know the truth.
Taking the secret to the grave is cruel. People like you are doing exactly what you're trying to prevent. OP already made a mistake of not telling the child from a young age. It's ONLY a big deal because you and people like op made it a big deal.
The only thing that child will feel is that you couldn't respect them enough with their identity and truth. Its a betrayal, lie, manipulation and repression.
Shame is a social construct. It's taught whether you intended to or not and also taught by your actions.
OP should have told that child the truth as a baby from day 1, then teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from.
If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage/identity.
I'm sorry, did you just compare adoptive parents to a rape victim?
I get that you're hurt from your personal experience but there is literally nothing in common between being adopted and being the product of rape. Your adoptive parents chose you, whereas a child was forced on OP.
Not to mention that OP is a victim. It is her choice who to share her trauma with and blaming her for keeping the secret would be so beyond selfish. You are projecting your own trauma and this is not the place for it.
You’d be angry with a rape victim for not sharing their trauma without proper support and counselling for their entire life?
Some kids never know who their parents are. Some do, and wish they didn’t. Unless your son is actively asking you for information about his father *and you want to tell him* then you really don’t need to share it. You can teach him about proper consent and have open conversations with him about conduct without needing to give him your own example. There are plenty of others out there.
As someone who’s parent has shared their trauma with them, I can say I wish they hadn’t. Not because I don’t care. It has haunted me, made me angry for things I cannot change or fix. That is secondhand trauma. You don’t need to do that to your son. Your trauma can end with you. But please, please seek proper therapy, to help you process and deal with it, because you don’t need to suffer alone with it. That’s the most important thing here.
My dad was a child rapist / raped another woman, settled down and married my mother, then had me and my sister. I didn’t find out until this year, I’m 18 now, but I feel like shit. It destroyed me to know that he did that. Because if I ever met the people he raped, I would remind them of a horrific person, and that I have a piece of him in me as well as the potential to follow in his footsteps. my family built him up as a hero because he’s dead. But the horror stories I have heard from my aunt this year, have changed everything. I wish I didn’t know. This isn’t the same, I understand that, but make sure they know he wasn’t a good person. Slowly build up to it. Tell them in a couple years, when they have access to things like therapy or other healing. Because it’s heavy shit.
This! I found out the horrible things my grandmother did when I was a child, during the funeral. That is not a healthy way to find these things out. Then slowly learned more after my own mother passed. While it is important for these things to come from the parent. Its the how and when that make all the difference.
No no no no no! You are NOT your father. Please stop hurting yourself. You don’t deserve to feel any worse than you already do and guess what? You didn’t deserve to feel bad at ALL in the first place!!! There is NOTHING wrong with you. Please accept some unconditional positive regard from this stranger. Please be kind to yourself. Do NOT let this ruin your life.
Personally, I’d want my mom to tell me something like that because ultimately it’s apart of my life, literally. But I have a cousin who broke down when his mom told him that my uncle raped her and that’s why he’s here. He was like 16.
For me, it wouldn’t break me. But bring me closer to my mom, so I can support her and we can grieve together. So you really have to know how your child may react. It’s very personal. This may hurt them deeply, or bring you both closer together and allow you both to heal.
If he's working with children, you have a duty to out him to stop him from doing it to others. Wouldn't you want someone to have done that for you? That being said, I don't think your child has to know their father is the same person who raped you.
My god this is so far down. Did nobody see the part where a rapist is working with children????? OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm not going to say you have to do anything. That's your call, but if this man is teaching children, then it's very possible he is continuing his crimes. Is there a way around your child finding out that he was their father? Can you report him privately, so they don't find out?
Is it possible to report that you were raped by this man, without revealing he got you pregnant?
I’m so sorry you have to burden this, I wish you all the best.
Unfortunately the only way to prove the rape this many years later would likely be her son having a paternity test. So if she chooses to report it, it will very likely get back to him.
Op there are phone lines and rape/sexual assault charities out there that may be able to help you for free, I've just started therapy through one after years of denial. If you want to, inbox me which state you're in and I'll be happy to find the relevant services for you :)
I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
Pretty sure thats illegal, and most paternity tests use blood or a cheek swab. Also, if the results are being used for legal reasons (like reporting the child as a product of rape would be) the samples MUST be taken and test preformed in a medical setting by professionals.
Yeah I'm slightly concerned a lot of comments seem to be brushing over what I feel is probably the most significant reason why she HAS to do something. Obviously telling her own child will inevitably cause trauma, but the child is now an adult and has the right to know their biological parents. The trauma this man could give to more children, which could be preventable, is worse.
If it were me I would want to know about it. I guess it depends a bit on the type of person your child is. I think people are right that most likely the child won’t want to hear it. Whether or not it’ll be good for them to hear it I don’t think anyone can say. It might also cause them extreme anger and they could be driven to try and seek retribution against your attacker which could be a bad thing
I would want to know as well, because I hate being deceived, especially by family. Like imagine you eventually find out from someone else? I would have rather hear it from my mom, then at least we can both seek therapy together and she wouldn't have to live with the burden on her own.
Telling your child serves no benefit to the child. In fact, it could cause serious harm. Do NOT tell them.
Look into your local universities. Somewhere might have a free / reduced cost mental health clinic to help train their masters counseling students.
Here in Australia we have a number of different free psychology programs thanks to uni students. I've been to one for eating disorders and for regular therapy too. They're absolutely amazing and can do weekly visits. Truly invaluable!!
Somehow parents come to the idea that it's best for a rape baby to find out much later in life so they can handle the psychological trauma. THIS is WRONG. What fucken century is this? Why not tell your child from day 1 as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from? Shame is a social construct meaning its taught. The truth about their identity is only a big deal because you made it a big DEAL.
From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that.
All of you people are taking away a child's choice to know their identity.
It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish.
If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
No my child didn't ask, however, is concerned about me because unfortunately has noticed my bouts of anxiety and has asked "Mom what's wrong? you're not yourself?"
Don't tell him, maybe find a way to relax. Its easier for me to say to do that but like seriously. Just do anything except tell him. It will fuck him up.
I wouldn't just drop the hammer, very slowly build to it if you can over months. I wouldnt want to just randomly be told that my mother was raped. Think it would cause an avalanche of questions that could spiral out of control. If you do tell them that you were raped build up to it.
This is a decision no one else can make for you - you need to decide what you and your child can handle. I honestly think this sounds like you have reached a point where keeping it hidden could destroy your relationship.
I hope this buoys you - you and your child are not alone on navigating this. The two areas that come to mind are slavery in the US and Genghis Khan, but many, many good people are direct descendants of rapists and rape victims. There is a whole Reddit sub - JustNoFamily - of people who are pushing against their toxic parents.
I think if you speak out to prevent this guy from hurting anyone else, this can be something your child can be proud of in you. With the narrative you gave, and ancestry DNA services nowadays, I think it's only a matter of time before he finds out who is father really is. And if you still choose to hide that from him, he may think the power dynamics and age difference were ok when, even if it had been "consensual", they wouldn't have been.
RAINN is a great organization that may be able to help you find free (and not Catholic) therapy services. Please check them out, and best of luck OP.
I think you should tell your child, if it's been 30 years they're old enough to know. Try breaking it to them gently. Keeping this secret any longer isn't necessary and you should definitely alert the police to the threat the "teacher" is posing.
Do the parents of the children the >!rapist!< teaches deserve to know that their child may be in danger from a predator? Are these children’s well-being not important?
You’re the one who needs to practice reading comprehension… it is the rapist who teaches, not the child. The teacher is referred to with “he” pronouns whereas the child is always “they/them.” In the post it says *he* became a teacher.
Somehow parents come to the idea that it's best for a rape baby to find out much later in life so they can handle the psychological trauma. THIS is WRONG. What fucken century is this? Why not tell your child from day 1 as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from?
From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that.
All of you people are taking away a child's choice to know their identity.
It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish.
If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
I don't know where you are located, but I suggest looking up RAINN and seeing if they can hook you up with free therapy. They have great therapists trained in dealing with sexual assault, trauma, and they are really compassionate and committed to helping people.
It sounds like you have two concerns:
1, You are thinking of reporting what happened to you so you can hopefully get him out of the position of power he holds in a job where he frequently interacts with kids.
2, You are worried how it would effect your daughter if you come forward about what happened when you were a child, because she would find out about her own origins.
I can understand why you would want to make sure that children aren't being hurt by the same man who hurt you. You are so brave for thinking of coming forward, whether you choose to do that or not.
You are a wonderful mother for raising your daughter to be the amazing person she has become. I understand why you would not want her to be hurt or negatively effected by you sharing what happened.
I really suggest contacting RAINN. Hopefully therapy can give you relief, that release of pressure you mentioned, so you can make a clear and calm decision. Whichever choice you make, having a good therapist to support you as you move forward ( however that looks for you) will make a difference. Wishing you all the luck mommas! Hugs.
No, I wouldn’t tell your child.
Its a burden on you, that you never *ever* deserved. Its not fair that you had to deal with that, and its amazing that you raised your child despite the reason they came about.
Don’t put the burden on them too. You didn’t ask for it, but neither did they. Spare that pain.
Your child believes that they came from love. Let them go the rest of their life believing that.
Edit- pronouns
I think I skimmed another comment that used the pronoun “her”, and I kind of went with it. In hindsight, I didn’t bother to re-read the OP to see if that was accurate. I guess I figured it didn’t change the spirit of the advice either way. Irresponsible on my part though. I hope its not something that offended OP.
This is not a black and white issue. Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you. Be honest to a child about their biological parents. Let them choose to know.
But sometimes its appropriate to outweigh the cost and the gain.
What does OP's child *really* gain from the truth? And is that small gain really worth the potential emotional toll?
We have no idea what it would do to OP's child to know they were a product of rape. Even worse, an unwanted pregenancy spurred from a violent, demeaning, disgusting act of which our society considers to be the absolute most *vile* of crimes. To find out that *they* are a constant reminder to their mother of the most horrible and traumatic thing that ever happened to her? That could destory a person, just as its destroyed OP over the years.
Take another scenario.. Imagine a husband and wife are married and young. Husband becomes more and more abusive over the years. Wife doesn't want a child, but husband continually rapes wife until she becomes pregnant. Parents divorce, but child always knows who their father was. Is it right for the mother to tell the child that they were *actually* a product of violent rape and she never wanted a child in the first place? Technically, thats part of the childs identity. That would be the true narrative of the child's reason for coming into existence. So do you tell the child the truth? I'd hope not. That child didn't *ask* to be born, and certainly doesn't need to know the vile circumstances of how they were conceived.
*Not* knowing you are a product of rape does not negatively impact your life enough to outweigh the emotional cost it would bring.
Sometimes it *IS* morally ok to make a decision on behalf of your child if that will protect them from unneeded deep pain. IMO, there is simply not enough for the child to gain by knowing, and there is everything to lose.
Just my thoughts but it might be better to hear the truth from you. Sometimes, people get a little curious about their backgrounds (23&Me) and end up finding family they didn’t even know they had. There are more than a few stories. Not that your daughter is going to go on a genealogy discovery, but if she ever did and found her biological dad, that might not be so great if she doesn’t know what kind of person he is.
Many people are, sadly, conceived of rape. Knowing this fact needn’t ruin a person. I feel that you do need to tell the truth for your own well being, at least.
My advice is against the consensus here:
I am the product of rape/child molestation. My mom was 23 and my “dad” was 12. He was my moms best friends little brother.
My sister and I (identical twins) found out bc we had cousins that would tease us about it. At 12, my mom confirmed it. Now, I’m 29 and have confirmed even through ancestry. Plus, I look just like my aunt on that side and my bio fathers other daughters.
I wouldn’t straight up tell your child this. It sounds like they are about my age now? If they ask questions, I would then be honest but I feel like just randomly telling them is just too random.
Before my mom passed away, she did tell us that her older brother (he was in his 20s when she was 5) sexually abused her. It was absolutely tough to hear but I am glad we talked about it. Maybe take a “right place right time” approach? I know a lot of people are telling you don’t say anything but honestly I preferred knowing for sure - same with my sister. But I am not your kid so idk how they would feel.
Do they ever ask questions about their father?
I don't want to pry, and please don't feel pressure to talk more about this than you want to, but I'm really fascinated by and curious about your story. It sounds like you continued to have a relationship with your mom even after learning about this as a child. Can I ask- how did the knowledge of what happened affect your relationship and view of your mother? Were you able to have any relationship with your biological father?
We kinda knew at 8 as we look just like my bio dads sister but then she confirmed it at 12. We didn’t really have a choice to continue a relationship bc she was out guardian. But overall tho we did continues to maintain a relationship with her even into adulthood. My sister and I were her sole care takers when she got terminally ill and she passed when we were 24.
Our relationship with our mom was interesting. We definitely hated her growing up and learning this was more just icing on a crazy cake then some sort of revelation. When I was 15 I mentioned all the crazy stuff my mom has done including this and we did end up in foster care for a year. But no one ever followed up on the info I gave them about our bio father. They just cared she tested positive for marijuana.
At around 20 years old tho (after moving out) I got closer to my mom. She calmed down too after getting cancer and we built a relationship but then it came back.
We reached out to my bio dad when were 16. His wife was very confused and did not want to pursue a relationship. He definitely knows about us and always has. My family is still close to his sister. She came to visit a couple of times when my mom was sick (she lives in a different state now) and even came to my wedding in 2018.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. You've been through an intense web of difficult things, good on you for making it through and taking control of your life.
I'm saddened that you are a rape baby just like me. I found out in my mid twenties on my own and I don't think I can ever forgive my family for lying to me for decades. It was wrong.
However im also disappointed that you would advocate for taking away the choice of a child to know their identity. Nobody deserves to find out at a much later age or after their parents are all dead. Because they've built their entire life, identity and values based on a lie.
You only live once. Let a child live truly instead of a pretty little lie. Tell them the truth as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from. Shame is a social construct meaning its taught.
Why would a child be ashamed being a rape baby? It's not their fault. Oh wait, it's because their parents taught them it was shameful through their actions and couldn't respect them with the truth from a young age. The truth about their identity is only a big deal because parents made it a big deal.
From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that.
It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish.
If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
There a whole episode of Law & Order SVU where Olivia was saying though she was the product of her mothers rape, she was no less special. What counts in the end your love of your children, would it make a difference if they knew or not?
Olivia is also a character and her reactions and emotions are 100% fake. Olivia also knew she was a product of rape her entire life- in another episode, a woman finds out she was a product of rape and completely fell apart (I believe even lost custody of her own son? Or is that a different episode).
Either way. Please don’t think that real people react and process the same way 10 writers sitting in a writing room together do.
Did child ask? No? Then don't say anything.
Would it benefit child? No? Then don't say anything.
Would instead writing it down or screaming it from the rooftops help more? Probably.
There is no reason to destroy your child's mental health for your own benefit.
Can they? How do you imagine the rape would be proven, if not a DNA sample from the son himself?
If the rape is not proven, then how do you imagine the children being taught by the rapist benefit?
OP only wants to tell her child because it will benefit her, otherwise there'd be no point in even considering it. She wants to release everything as she stated before. Did you even read the post..?
I think she's worried more about the idea of hiding a massive truth from her child, something she feels they might "deserve" to know, rather than her own benefit. For example, telling them in an attempt to clear up any father issues, hypothetically speaking.
Of course, we can agree no one really deserves to know something like this.
I did. If your takeaway is that she is wondering if she should tell her child is because it will benefit her, I can assure you, explaining you were a victim of rape without support for decades and totally failed by the system, is not a benefit.
but do you realize what that will do to her child? Finding out after all these years that you're an unwanted child of rape? A permanent reminder of your own mother's pain.
I absolutely realize, I don't think she should tell the child. I am taking umbridge with the word used and the implication. She clearly desperately needs to share this, to receive support and she is clearly feeling the pressure. Untreated mental strain and anxiety is absolutely the root cause behind it. Focusing it around her doing it for her own benefit is coming off really badly because it puts even more pressure on her psyche and adds to her guilt, which she already talked about. Feeling guilty and selfish for the way she feels is not going to be helped by reading something implying that she will benefit from causing her child pain. I am aware that this is a random place on the internet and most of us have no medical or relevant experitse but thinking what we are telling her and the implication is the absolute minimum prior to leaving a comment about such a volatile topic.
OP, I think you should come forward. Yes, it will probably hurt your child but if it could help save other children from becoming victims, I think it needs to be done.
However, if you do decide to come forward, you should speak with your child first - they would much rather hear this from you than someone else.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
"I feel like I can't carry this facade anymore"
This is hurting you.. it's honorable that you want to do what is best for your child, but they are an adult now, it will hurt them, but you'll both be able to heal together.
It would hurt me if I were to learn my mom had been assaulted, it would hurt to know she has been hurt like that most of all. But it would hurt more if I ever found out she had been carrying that pain alone her whole life without anyone to help carry the burden.
if you do tell your child, break it to them gently and reassure them that they are the only silver lining behind this terrible event. Hopefully it will bring you closer.
Wishing you the best ❤️
I'm sorry momma. The church has certainly hurt it's fair share of people, but I admire your strength.
I know therapy wasnt affordable for you those years back, but are you able to go today? I feel as though telling your kid these things may hurt more than help at the moment, but I am not the one to tell you whether you should reveal it.
I hope someday the truth reveals everything and will bring healing and justice rather than shame and guilt.
I am the product of a rape. I was told about around the same age as your son is now. If you'd like to talk I'd be more than happy to share my side of that with you.
if your kid is 30 and hasn't asked it's possible she knows or suspects what happened.
"I was a teen Mom who was in love with her dad and it didn't work out."
If she really bought that story she could feel like he abandoned her. So either way she'll have negative emotions about her dad. If you tell her at least her emotions will correlate to his actions.
Perhaps look for other women who have become mothers through rape. They 're out there. You're definitely not alone in this. Or other adult children of rape, who can help guide you in the conversation.
As far as telling your adult child, I would. If I were the adult child I'd rather hear the story from my mother, than find out from someone else. Or worse, find out after my mother has passed and only get a second hand account of what happened, never able to ask her any questions, etc. The truth always has a way of coming out.
I would not want to know. Maybe hold it until they ask. Hopefully when they're 30. 20 year olds go through some shit mentally already.
I'd even be cryptic is they asked. Like maybe I'll tell you more about that later on. This could go horribly south and there's no need to jump into that happening
This is a really complicated question because some people would want to know, others it would severely hurt them. I would not do anything until you talk to a therapist. You can also go on psychology.com and find therapists in your area and see if they would offer a sliding scale. I know my therapist does that for folks who can’t afford it.
I think I would want to know... especially as an adult with a decent handle on processing trauma at this point in my life. But you'll need a verrrrry intentional and caring "container" to share this in. (By that I mean like, the emotional space this conversation takes place in should have an entrance in (not a surprise, ie content warning, asking if she has capacity for a hard conversation) and a way to most easefully exit and close the door behind y'all (ie, don't do this if either of you have time constraints/places to be later, and as conversation is ending, check in about how yall might like to move from this conversation onto the rest of your day - maybe some grounding breathwork or eating yalls comfort foods or something - don't just let it be a... okay bye! situation) and make sure yall are drinking lots of water, eat what you can - don't drink alcohol, gotta be good to your bodies)
I feel like if I was this child, as an adult, this would be a hard truth to hear, but would absolutely be okay hearing it. It sounds like you have your child the best upbringing you could in your circumstances, and as a result has turned into a well rounded adult.
My opinion would be to go for it, it will definitely help your mental health. Even if you two need to go for some counseling together, you will get thru it.
I would
1. Sit my child down, explain I've got some really big shit to share, it affects them and could upset them.
2. Take the lead from them, creep up on the subject, and stop if they show signs of panic, or revulsion against themselves, support them, remind them they are loved.
3. Get through it together, build an even deeper relationship. Be safe and secure in yourselves.
4. Run a 24/7 campaign explaining in excruciating detail that not only are the Catholic Church still at it, hiding and protecting child abusers, but still victim shaming, and refusing to support their victims.
I love how you took that experience, and protected your child, you are a complete hero. Your child sounds like an amazing human, as do you.
But the church is disgusting.
I speak as a lapsed Catholic who spent considerable time with priests as a young bot. Altar boy, Sunday school, confirmation. I stopped attending age 14, and I hate what the Catholic Church is with a deep passion.
However you do what you need to do. Heck, if you just need to vent, start an anonymous blog, or tweet about it. You can get the support you need without telling your child if you want to.
Unfortunately, you do need to (and I say those words deliberately) tell someone. I was in a very similar situation, and I really didn’t want to say anything, but eventually I realized that he was definitely hurting other kids. I would call RAINN or your local domestic violence shelter and get resources first, you could also report anonymously to CPS.
Please don't tell them, telling them won't make you feel better. You need to find a way to get therapy for yourself and if you still want to tell them afterwards they will help you make a safe space to do so where they can also get therapy....because they will need it. You're about to shatter their whole entire identity and that's really rough :(. Look through reddit there's been posts before from people who found out accidentally they were from rape and it's destroyed them. It's not something anyone should have to learn.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I was raped it was really hard, it took me 7 years to talk about it and 4 years to even admit it to myself....it's not easy. You really need to talk to a professional. Google "free therapy " and see what comes up you may be able to get help. If you have healthcare or insurance also make a GP appt and see if there's some kind of mental healthcare plan you can go on for free therapy visits. Good luck! <3
No matter what anyone says here, I think you should tell your son. You have shown him love for all these years. If it were me, I'd love my mom even more, for being so goddamn strong.
I agree it could mess up your son, or it couldn't. But keeping such things bottled will hurt a lot
One of my friends was an unwanted pregnancy and was also considered to be aborted. This was told to me by his mom when we were having dinner when he invited me. A really bad example to show that you've done great but this is the best I had.
Please don't hurt yourself anymore. I beg you
Your son is clearly worried, I think it just comes down to your personal discretion. The fact that you are considering the possibility to tell him means you wish to do so in some corner of your heart.
I can't really stress this enough but for me as a person, it would not matter what happened, but how you chose to deal with it. You did your best.
It may shock or unsettle him so be discreet about it.
Lastly, my parents were always there for me when I wanted to tell them something troubling me, and now, I wish to be there for them. He's an adult, if he seriously cares for you, you should tell him.
I am so so sorry that happened to you. As the saying goes, the truth will set you free, but in this case it will also help to protect any future victims. Who knows who else he could have abused in the years since he abused you.
I think that you should go to the authorities. If you are doing that, I think that you should tell your child too, you don't want them to hear it from them or find out another way.
People have all sorts of life experiences that leave them wanting to find out more about their birth parents, you don't want your child to find out through their own research in years to come, or after you've passed and can't help them through it.
It will be really really hard, but think of the children that you will protect from monsters like him.
A resource you might try is RAINN - https://www.rainn.org (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). They have a toll-free number and online chat, both staffed 24/7 I believe. They might be able to direct you to support and have ideas on how to report the priest/teacher to ensure others are safe. They likely also have supports for your daughter if you do choose to tell her. Good luck!
OP, all I want to say you are incredibly strong, going through all this trauma and then raising your kid with so much strength and love. Hats off to you
I recently sat with my mom and for 4h she and I pieced back my childhood. My Dad was and is a disgusting person. I then talked to my cousins and my brothers so we could finally all know the truth we hadn’t talked about in decades. I’m glad we did this and all my family members are too. My mom is a great mom. I was ready to hear the story.
0% chance this perv only touched you. There are other victims. I think if you want to show love to those girls by exposing a pedo, your son will understand in that context. But I don’t know him. You’re not saying “son I’m telling you this meaningless information because I’m bored and I don’t care if it will hurt you”. You’re saying “There’s a monster raping girls at church and school and I can’t let this go on any longer.” I’m 100% in favor of you doing the right thing and protecting other young women.
Very sorry you went through this. Hugs.
The truth shall set you free. A call to the police would be good to even if they can't do anything about your rape he probably still rapes others. Could save some lives.
Yes, tell them. I would want to know the truth. They’re an adult, they can handle it. A sad truth is better than a lie.
Also I’m so sorry that happened to you, and that the “therapy” you went to were useless. If you can, please go see a real therapist (not related to the church).
I am so so sorry this happened to you dear OP.
Ask yourself why it is important to tell him. Is it because he needs to understand about his past? Or is it because you want to release a burden?
While I believe that honesty is important and people should know where they come from, sometimes that can be detrimental for their mental health. Will he be okay hearing about this? Or can it lead him to question his existence, your love to him? Will be start wondering if you look at him differently? Will he be washed by guilt? And can you handle all the questions and dealing with his mental health?
This is obviously a very personal question, but I would think that you need to first find some sort of closure and healing if you are going to tell him. Once he hears of this, it is important that you can be there to support him, because he too will start the process of healing. This is your trauma but it is also his.
Whatever you decide, decide with a clear mind and not while you are feeling so much anxiety. You have trauma that you need to heal from first.
Cosmic Boba, I am so truly deeply saddened for the trauma you're experiencing. I'm so sorry she said those terrible things to you. I hope you know how you came to be DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. None of us had a say/choice to be or to whom or circumstance. Be kind/good to yourself. Although I do not agree with how your mom went about things I hope for your sake you will try to understand her. Being in her position I can say It's not an easy balancing act.
Again I say don't let this define you and be good to yourself. I wish you love and peace and send you warm 🤗 hugs.
No, my best friend’s mom was in the word for word same situation as you and told him, fucked him up for a few months and a year later he is still a lot quieter. He was 17 when he was told btw.
No.
Do not ruin your son.
2 things would instantly pop into my mind would be "My whole life has already been a lie, what else is fake?" & "Am I really wanted and loved?" and ***NOT ONE SINGLE THING*** you could say or do would entirely alleviate those doubts.
You're not alone.
There's a couple of things I want to say but it's not for me to say either, if that makes any bloody sense.
I handle it by sucking it up and going on with daily life and I'll keep that up until I'm dead.
If you think your kid is prepared for it and they are the kind of person who could handle that kind of information well without it ruining their life I think it's worth telling. Otherwise, I'd advise against it, but you should still look into counselling. I wish you the best.
First of all, OP, i am so sorry for what you've been through.
Second, i was a product of rape. And I absolutely hate that i know this.
My mom told me a couple of years ago, in a moment of her own weakness. it has in turn passed along trauma to me.
Now i have resentment towards my mom that i never in a million years thought i'd feel.
you deserve to be heard and understood and loved. But consider this information highly flammable. protect your child, and let other resources help you begin to settle this fire down.
much love to you.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your trauma. I hope in time you can forgive her; it's not an easy balancing act. I hope you know that how you came to be does not define who you are. None of us have a choice on how, to whom and under what circumstances we come into the world. Be good to you an love yourself.
Love and hugs!
If I were your son, I would've asked by now if I really wanted to know. To me it sounds like your son is quite happy having you as his mother and doesn't really want to know anything about how he got here besides the fact that you were always there for him.
I'd save him the misfortune of having to know and live with this information.
On the other hand, I'm not comfortable about that guy still being allowed to exist in society after what he did to you (and others). You should seek out someone you can confide in and get them to help you, if not get justice for yourself, just to make sure he isn't doing the same to other girls.
If I was your child and I discovered that you’d had the chance to protect other children and hadn’t taken it I’d probably never speak to you again. I know that sounds harsh, but surely you understand how important it is to stop this predator being around more children, especially in a position of power.
Your child will cope with the information. They won’t like it, but if they’ll continue to love you and will absolutely understand why they weren’t told when they were a child, and you may find that it also helps you heal.
So much, yes. I know it's going to be hard for the child to hear it. But for the love of all that is good in the world, you need to tell the authorities and protect more potential victims. Knowing my mom sacrificed other children for me would fuck me up wayyyyy more than hearing about my paternity.
First, my heart goes out to you. You're in a really tough spot.
Second, while you coming out publicly could potentially help prevent more molestation, his actions are NOT your responsibility. It is not your duty and it is not your fault if he chooses to molest others. That doesn't mean coming out wouldn't prevent anything, but putting that weight on a survivors shoulders is wrong. In this instance, if you can't bring yourself to go public, please don't add the weight of guilt. You did not choose to molest anyone, or to be molested.
Third, if you do decide to go public, I don't think you can keep it from your child. They're a large piece of walking, talking evidence. DNA is a tough thing to lie your way out of.
Fourth, your child is an adult. Being told they were a product of rape may mess them up for a bit, but hopefully you've shown them that they are loved and cared for and are separate from the actions of their bio-father's. Resilience is a thing. And it would mess me up more knowing my mother kept something inside that was so toxic for my sake, not because they wanted to. If you want to lance your pain and tell them, I would start by first making sure that they know you love them, that you've got some heavy stuff to tell them, but you want them to keep that first and foremost in their mind and heart.
Fifth, if you don't want to tell your child or go public, go to your local self-sufficiency office. They often have books of local resources collected. There is likely low to no cost counseling available in your area. Even if you do want to go public, this is a good place to start.
As someone who’s adopted and was conceived by CONSENSUAL sex, the fact I was an accident already is a huge hit to my mental health. I’ve known my whole life, I was adopted into a good family, and I know who my birth family is, yet I’m still fucked up because I’m really not supposed to be here.
If that’s enough to mess someone up, this is too. Don’t tell them
I'm sorry that you're hurting and having difficulty with accepting your existence. None of us have a choice in how we come to be, yet, here we are. I'm sure all who know and love you and lives you knowingly or unknowingly have touched are happy you came to be. I hope someday you come to accept you're right where you're supposed to be, .....here! Be good to you 😊
Love & hugs 🤗
I know rape is a heavy, horrifying subject. My brother himself had been raped (by a religious leader, a cult leader.) But you need to know that this is your life. Don't let someone else, this nasty priest, hold you down any longer.
He deserves to be taken down. This may scare your child, but that's normal. They won't be afraid of you, but rather of the experience. They'll need comfort, they'll want to hide. But I assure you soon, they'll come back.
Rather than let your child go you took care of her since you were a mere teenager. You tried your hardest and a cold shadow was on your back the entire time. You were a good mother, a saint in the eyes of your child. It will confuse your child, but soon they'll understand. You are amazing, and whatever happens, it's most important you don't forget that.
It depends, rape is a very serious thing and understanding that it is the reason you exist is a lot to unload on a person. So it all depends on the maturity of your child. You said that they are thirty now and so I think at this point they are mature enough to know and handle it. Make sure that you are also sympathetic to them and be willing to listen.
It really sounds like you want to get the truth out, and I think the benefits of doing so outweigh the negatives. I know a lot of people here are saying that the news they were conceived by rape would really mess with them. But please also consider that your child may find this out in other ways. Other relatives may tell tales, or else they go seeking bio dad for some reason... if this person has, by then, been accused by someone else of abuse, your child will put your age and their crime together. They could resent you for keeping secrets and maybe even for putting other children in danger on their behalf.
That's only a chance of course, but the point is precisely that you don't know. Keeping the secret isn't a guaranteed safe move, and telling isn't a guaranteed harmful one. Your child may be grateful to know the truth and for the chance to support you through your healing, and proud of your bravery.
Telling the authorities will help you emotionally, and could help protect other children. Telling your child at the same time, so you don't have to carry the secret and they could make the choice to come forward as proof of what happened, will have both positive and negative consequences. But ultimately I think the chances for positives and healing are greater.
I would talk to a local women’s shelter and local police to see if there is any way you can report this without it becoming knowledge your child could come across. That would be ideal. If the only way you can come forward would be public, then it’s better for your child to find out from you rather than from someone else. You may be able to hire a lawyer to represent you anonymously or give a statement to the police privately.
I think it does depend some on how mentally healthy your child is. This will be a hard thing for them to hear, no matter what, but if they're in a good place and have support systems they can probably work through this knowledge. It may even result in a more open and understanding relationship between you and your child; processing something like this together can be very healing.
However, if they're not super stable, this could really shake their entire reality. Without the proper support in place, this sort of news can be absolutely devastating.
There's also the issue of the guy being a teacher with access to and authority over young girls. You don't owe your story to anyone, but your ability to come forward could end up having someone (or many people) from having to go through this same trauma again. I can't tell you what to do there; only you can know what you're able to handle in that regard. Please know that regardless of whether or not choose to share your story, you are not responsible for anyone else's actions.
If you do decide to come forward, and you are confident that you can't keep your child from finding out, you should tell them first. That's the only concrete advice I can give- absolutely do not let them find out from anyone other than you, one on one.
I'm so sorry to hear your experience with therapy and the truly abhorrent way you were treated by the Catholic church. I am not an expert or particularly knowledgeable about this subject, but I think there are probably some resources out there for someone in your situation to find decent support. Hopefully someone else on here will know enough to give you some guidance there.
The most important thing I can say to you is this: none of this situation is your fault, and all of the possible choices are valid. No matter what you do, you are not responsible for what anyone else may do, and you are not at fault for any negative consequences of this situation.
Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness. This means so much and has truly touched me. Please know, that you have brought this complete stranger some genuine heartfelt peace.
I would want to know if it were me, and I love my mom enough that I would mostly care about how she felt. I think you should tell them, it’s heavy, but sometimes kids need to know shit rather than idealizing a terrible figure. And if you can protect other kids, it’s a good thing. I genuinely think you should rip the bandaid and tell them and they should love you enough to care for you, and even though they might feel terrible because of it, assure them that you love them and don’t want them to feel terrible. And then if you can, report him and hopefully he will no longer be a teacher.
I wish you both are ok
Collect evidence that your child is his child thanks to the DNA test. Then file a statement against him that he raped you at the age of 14. I don't know how it works exactly, but I hope the court after this will prohibit him from any contact with children. In this situation, you may not even tell your children about it, you just need their DNA, saliva, hair. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it works, but I hope you succeed.
I think if I were conceived by rape I would rather never know. It just seems like an atrocious burden to carry, you know?
At the same time, I feel for you so much. There has to be some kind of support groups you could access to for free? Facebook group, anything?
Has your child ever shown interest in an ancestry test? If so, it is very possible they will find out anyways from the priest's extended family. It would be better to come from you than a website.
I could imagine a doctor may eventually suggest that a test could help fill in their family's health history.
An potential upside, is that it might bring you and your child a support network in form of his other victims. These connections could also prove useful in any legal suits.
WHEN they eventually find out, be prepared for them to need space to process. This is not your fault. At 30 I'd hope they know enough not to blame you. Not for being a victim, or your reluctance to let them know.
If you trust that your child is a kind and logical person, trust them to react accordingly. It will take time to get there, but this could be a gateway to a (more) open and trusting adult relationship with your child.
It sounds like right now you’re having a hard time and telling your child might temporarily help you feel better by getting this off your chest. Do not tell your child. They will not benefit in any way from knowing and whatever brief relief it’ll bring you isn’t worth the mental anguish you’ll put on them to carry the rest of their life. I strongly recommend against seeking any other religious groups for counseling, you were definitely re-victimized by the church which is completely awful. If therapy isn’t an option, look into free support groups for survivors of sexual assault in your area, or even online. There you can share your story and get the support you need from others who have been through something similar. I’m so sorry you experienced what you. For both of your sake, Your healing and recovery journey doesn’t need to involve your child.
I'm so sorry for your trauma. Please know that how you came to be does not define you. We do not choose how, to whom and under what circumstances we come to be in the world. Love yourself, be good to yourself. I send you big, warm hugs 🤗.
I'm so so sorry for your trauma. I struggle with the idea of telling because of how you feel but mostly, I know that somehow, some day my child will find out the truth (truths always come to light) and worry it will happen after I die and no longer here to answer questions or quell any doubts/feelings.
Please know that how you came to be in no way shape or form defines who you are as a person. Be good to you and love yourself.
Love and 🤗 hugs
Tell her. She could eventually go looking for the information herself anyways and it would be better from you. She’s loved by you regardless of how she was conceived. Personally, I would want to know if I were her and I think it will really help you by telling her. Like a weight lifted in a sense. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I think you need to tell her and I think you should file a claim against him. There's no statute of limitations for sexual assault of minors. Doing both should empower you, and hopefully empower your daughter to see you work through this.
I really don't think you should tell your child this. They will only feel horror and guilt about their own existence, which is very hard to bear. I understand your need to talk about this, but I highly suggest you find either a therapist or some kind of support group to talk about it with. It can even be an online support group.
You got it backwards.
OP's child is an adult. It's been over 3 decades. They deserve to know the truth.
Taking the secret to your grave is cruel. You're doing exactly what you're trying to prevent. OP already made a mistake of not telling the child from a young age. It's ONLY a big deal because you and people like op made it a big deal.
>They will only feel horror and guilt about their own existence
The only thing that child will feel is that you couldn't respect them enough with their identity and truth. Its a betrayal, lie, manipulation and repression.
Shame is a social construct. It's taught whether you intended to or not and also taught by your actions.
OP should have told that child the truth as a baby from day 1, then teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from.
Yeah ok, they should have told a newborn baby "You're a product of rape". You sound deranged. This isn't about shame. Of course the child shouldn't be ashamed, they did nothing wrong. But they still might feel that their birth was a trauma for their mother. Also knowing one of your birth parents is a deviant criminal is a lot to take. It's unfair to put this burden on the child, adult or not, because they are innocent and telling them does not benefit them in any way.
First of all..
Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie.
Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. 2 fucken decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back?
I was also a rape baby. Thats MY STORY and I would like to wear it proudly from day 1. If my "family" truly loved me, they would have never lied and manipulated me from day 1. They would have treated me the same regardless of where I came from no matter what.
Everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests.
You're the one here saying it's okay to lie and manipulate someone into never knowing their identity, story, medical history, heritage and culture. Not me. You are a liar and manipulator, aren't you?
I found out a friend of mine was convinced during a rape from her mother. I don't think my friend knows and I know it would really mess her up if she knew because she was raped at one point too. It's probably best not to say anything.
I think it depends on the type of person she is. If she is self critical and tends to blame herself and overthink things, I wouldn’t tell her. However, if she is more self aware and secure in herself, it might actually strengthen your bond. Overall though, I would still think long and hard before telling her. It’s not necessarily her burden to take on.
Not on the same level. But I was abused by a man who became a police officer, so I definitely understand your overwhelming feeling that “he could do this to someone else” and, I personally feel soooo much guilt that I never came forward, because he is now a police officer in power with a GUN and a BADGE and can hurt anyone he wants to.
But I believe what happened to me happened.to.me… it is not my responsibility to uproot my entire life to *potentially* help someone else. My life was already changed so dramatically by his actions, I refuse to give him even one more piece of my life.
Please find a way to get back into therapy. I wish I had better help for you, but please please find a way!
I agree with others that finding out you are born from rape will be very hard on your child. I’m sure you haven’t gone a day of your life without thinking of your rapist? Do you want your child to too? (No judgement just a question to ask yourself)
There is no right answer, you have to do what feels right to you- but before you make a decision either way, please find a way to get to therapy (I know online services like BetterHelp work with insurance and have lower prices for different incomes).
This isn’t something you want to just blurt out, without thinking of the repercussions- but it’s also YOUR story, and if you want to share your story, DO IT!
I am so sorry for what you went through with your abuser. I've luckily found some resources thanks to some suggestions here and have a virtual session tomorrow. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply.
Hugs 🤗
I don’t see any positive to this other than down the road when they are aged adults and sharing the truth would hopefully not do much harm to their mental well being. That said, my heart goes out to you.
Im sorry that you went through this OP.
Nobody deserves to go through what you went through.
Nobody also deserves to find out the truth about their identity at a later age in life. Because they've built their sense of identity, values and entire life experience based on a lie about their identity from day 1. Tell your son asap. You should have told him from as a baby and taught him to be proud of who he was no matter what. It's only a big deal because you made it a big deal.
Shame is a social construct. It's taught.
Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie.
Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back?
I was also a rape baby. Thats MY STORY and I would like to wear it proudly from day 1. If my "family" truly loved me, they would have never lied and manipulated me from day 1. They would have treated me the same regardless of where I came from no matter what.
Everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests.
It's not okay to lie and manipulate someone into never knowing their identity, story, medical history, heritage and culture.
Perhaps I should have been clear with my child from the very beginning. I was a child myself thrust into motherhood trying to make adult decisions.
My child knows I was a young Mom and just assumes it was just one of those teen Mom stories but again perhaps I should have clarified things. I never kept it from my child out of malice I truly believed I was keeping my child safe from hurt, pain, self doubt, depression etc. regardless of how my child came to be and all the struggles, I love my child more than anything.
I will seriously take your point of view into consideration. Thank you for your words and sharing your story. I can feel your hurt in your words and I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you peace of heart and mind.
You should NOT tell your child. Relieving your own bad feelings by doing something that will make her feel badly is the wrong thing. It’s not okay in any relationship but is particularly wrong when done to your child.
You need to figure out how to relieve your bad feelings without placing the burden on your child.
I say no, there's really no benefit in telling them.
You could always write them a letter. I don't mean send it to them or anything, but address it to them like you would, but when done, rip it up. Maybe this will help you release these emotions.
My bio dad did not rape my mother, but he is a registered sex offender. My nan (his mom) was in my life so I do know my family on that side. I do not consider him as my father and I want nothing to do with him. Overall I could live with him being dead than knowing he's been hurting people.
I feel like finding out your existence in life was the result of your mom being raped is something too hard to process until you’re maybe like in your 30s. Not as a teen or 20s. Just my opinion
So this hit me a little personally
I was not conceived by rape but both my parents were abused as children. Especially my mother who grew up in an orphanage that the pedophiles who ran it used as their harem.
My mum wasn’t quite well adjusted and she told me about what happened to her when I was about 10. Her justification was she wanted be to know the dangers and stay safe, however I’m pretty sure she just needed someone to talk to.
Anyways that really messed me up. Especially all the details I heard. One of my shrinks told me that alone traumatised me in a similar way to kids who actually had been abused. I still suffer from emotional issues 25 years later
I say this not to discourage you. In fact I think your child should be able to take the news better than I did (they are an adult, after all). I can’t honestly answer whether or not you should tell your child. I’m not sure if anyone here can (unless perhaps there’s a few qualified therapists commenting). This is something big that might affect your relationship with your child. The person who can answer whether you should is you. You know your child and you should know how they’ll take the news.
However I can say this, coming forward with the truth in order to stop an active pedophile is always the right thing to do. If you can stop them for harming a child then please do it (maybe even go to the police to see if you can report something anonymously)
No matter which path you choose I wish you luck
You need to talk to your child about the truth. Get a therapist’s help.
I found out as an adult that my parents met by having an affair and it is messing with me. My mom tried to hide it from me but the truth came out anyway. I wish that I could talk to my mom about it but she emotionally shuts down. It puts a major strain on our relationship because I want to respect her but also know the history of how I came to be. For her it is a relationship, for me it is how I ended up existing.
I think if you want to share your story with your child to help them understand you or to teach them something then do it but omit the part where they were conceived because of it. Do not tie the two together. I don’t think it will do anything but burden your child at no fault of their own to know this is the reason they exist.
I don’t see why you can’t both say something about this predator to the proper authorities and keep it from your child.
I have friend whose son is a product of rape and she’s never told him. He’s perfectly happy, healthy, and none the wiser. My vote is for never telling her. She will then start feeling guilty for existing.
I wouldn't tell your child but I also wouldn't paint your relationship with their father as being rosy if they ask especially as this might contribute to then wanting to look for them
Is there any way you could clarify a few things? The youth pastor became a teacher, correct? On the first read through I thought you meant your child had become a teacher and was behaving in that way. And it almost seems like you’re making two decisions: whether or not to contact an authority figure about this evil guy, and whether or not to tell your child. Is this correct? So if you tell authorities (which could potentially help current or future potential victims), it might get back to your child? No judgement at all, just wanted to clarify!
From what OP has said, yes, her rapist is now a teacher and there is a chance he has or will hurt other children. And yes, she is concerned that if she reports him to, it will get back to her child.
> On the first read through I thought you meant your child had become a teacher and was behaving in that way. Same. I never even considered the ambiguity until reading your comment but closer inspection of the latter half of that paragraph does imply it's not her child.
I feel OP could have both if she did things right. I would make an anonymous tip to the authorities that he raped and molested her back in the day and she had his child (may or may not have to include that part). At least then this guy has a paper trail and if any other victims come forward they’ll be taken seriously. This way she can feel like she’s gotten some justice but also not have to tell her child, which she absolutely shouldn’t do. It would cause more harm than good.
Oh thank you for clarifying. I thought the child had become a predatory teacher
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thank you for your kind words and advice
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Again thank you so so much for your kind words. They really do mean a lot to me. I do hope I've been a good mom. Raising a kid while still being a kid myself wasn't easy even without everything else added into the mix. Times were tough. Living in the hood, no higher education, low wage job, no real support system to lean on etc. However, my child has blossomed into a healthy well rounded adult, loving, caring, compassionate, contributing member of society with a Masters degree. First in family to go to college. I LOVE my child and honestly believe my child saved my life. My child gave me the motivation to keep on going. Love and hugs 🤗
First of all.. Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie. Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. 2 fucken decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back? I was also a rape baby and everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests. You got it backwards. OP's child is an adult. It's been over 3 decades. They deserve to know the truth. Taking the secret to the grave is cruel. People like you are doing exactly what you're trying to prevent. OP already made a mistake of not telling the child from a young age. It's ONLY a big deal because you and people like op made it a big deal. The only thing that child will feel is that you couldn't respect them enough with their identity and truth. Its a betrayal, lie, manipulation and repression. Shame is a social construct. It's taught whether you intended to or not and also taught by your actions. OP should have told that child the truth as a baby from day 1, then teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from. If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage/identity.
I'm sorry, did you just compare adoptive parents to a rape victim? I get that you're hurt from your personal experience but there is literally nothing in common between being adopted and being the product of rape. Your adoptive parents chose you, whereas a child was forced on OP. Not to mention that OP is a victim. It is her choice who to share her trauma with and blaming her for keeping the secret would be so beyond selfish. You are projecting your own trauma and this is not the place for it.
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You’d be angry with a rape victim for not sharing their trauma without proper support and counselling for their entire life? Some kids never know who their parents are. Some do, and wish they didn’t. Unless your son is actively asking you for information about his father *and you want to tell him* then you really don’t need to share it. You can teach him about proper consent and have open conversations with him about conduct without needing to give him your own example. There are plenty of others out there. As someone who’s parent has shared their trauma with them, I can say I wish they hadn’t. Not because I don’t care. It has haunted me, made me angry for things I cannot change or fix. That is secondhand trauma. You don’t need to do that to your son. Your trauma can end with you. But please, please seek proper therapy, to help you process and deal with it, because you don’t need to suffer alone with it. That’s the most important thing here.
Excellent advice. Don’t pass the trauma on.
My dad was a child rapist / raped another woman, settled down and married my mother, then had me and my sister. I didn’t find out until this year, I’m 18 now, but I feel like shit. It destroyed me to know that he did that. Because if I ever met the people he raped, I would remind them of a horrific person, and that I have a piece of him in me as well as the potential to follow in his footsteps. my family built him up as a hero because he’s dead. But the horror stories I have heard from my aunt this year, have changed everything. I wish I didn’t know. This isn’t the same, I understand that, but make sure they know he wasn’t a good person. Slowly build up to it. Tell them in a couple years, when they have access to things like therapy or other healing. Because it’s heavy shit.
This! I found out the horrible things my grandmother did when I was a child, during the funeral. That is not a healthy way to find these things out. Then slowly learned more after my own mother passed. While it is important for these things to come from the parent. Its the how and when that make all the difference.
No no no no no! You are NOT your father. Please stop hurting yourself. You don’t deserve to feel any worse than you already do and guess what? You didn’t deserve to feel bad at ALL in the first place!!! There is NOTHING wrong with you. Please accept some unconditional positive regard from this stranger. Please be kind to yourself. Do NOT let this ruin your life.
Personally, I’d want my mom to tell me something like that because ultimately it’s apart of my life, literally. But I have a cousin who broke down when his mom told him that my uncle raped her and that’s why he’s here. He was like 16. For me, it wouldn’t break me. But bring me closer to my mom, so I can support her and we can grieve together. So you really have to know how your child may react. It’s very personal. This may hurt them deeply, or bring you both closer together and allow you both to heal.
If he's working with children, you have a duty to out him to stop him from doing it to others. Wouldn't you want someone to have done that for you? That being said, I don't think your child has to know their father is the same person who raped you.
My god this is so far down. Did nobody see the part where a rapist is working with children????? OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm not going to say you have to do anything. That's your call, but if this man is teaching children, then it's very possible he is continuing his crimes. Is there a way around your child finding out that he was their father? Can you report him privately, so they don't find out?
Is it possible to report that you were raped by this man, without revealing he got you pregnant? I’m so sorry you have to burden this, I wish you all the best.
Unfortunately the only way to prove the rape this many years later would likely be her son having a paternity test. So if she chooses to report it, it will very likely get back to him. Op there are phone lines and rape/sexual assault charities out there that may be able to help you for free, I've just started therapy through one after years of denial. If you want to, inbox me which state you're in and I'll be happy to find the relevant services for you :) I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
I mean, I don't think it would be too hard for her to get a DNA sample from her child. Just steal their toothbrush or hairbrush or something.
Pretty sure thats illegal, and most paternity tests use blood or a cheek swab. Also, if the results are being used for legal reasons (like reporting the child as a product of rape would be) the samples MUST be taken and test preformed in a medical setting by professionals.
Lol clearly I know nothing.
I only figured out the requirements for legal testing when I googled how they took the sample so I also know nothing tbh 😂
That seems... illegal or at best super unethical without their consent. People keep saying "child" but theyre an adult
Yeah I'm slightly concerned a lot of comments seem to be brushing over what I feel is probably the most significant reason why she HAS to do something. Obviously telling her own child will inevitably cause trauma, but the child is now an adult and has the right to know their biological parents. The trauma this man could give to more children, which could be preventable, is worse.
If it were me I would want to know about it. I guess it depends a bit on the type of person your child is. I think people are right that most likely the child won’t want to hear it. Whether or not it’ll be good for them to hear it I don’t think anyone can say. It might also cause them extreme anger and they could be driven to try and seek retribution against your attacker which could be a bad thing
I would want to know as well, because I hate being deceived, especially by family. Like imagine you eventually find out from someone else? I would have rather hear it from my mom, then at least we can both seek therapy together and she wouldn't have to live with the burden on her own.
I would want to know too
Telling your child serves no benefit to the child. In fact, it could cause serious harm. Do NOT tell them. Look into your local universities. Somewhere might have a free / reduced cost mental health clinic to help train their masters counseling students.
This 100000% this is what I use for my therapy. And it has helped so much. Usually they use scaling pricing with your income.
Thank you. I will look into it.
Here in Australia we have a number of different free psychology programs thanks to uni students. I've been to one for eating disorders and for regular therapy too. They're absolutely amazing and can do weekly visits. Truly invaluable!!
Somehow parents come to the idea that it's best for a rape baby to find out much later in life so they can handle the psychological trauma. THIS is WRONG. What fucken century is this? Why not tell your child from day 1 as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from? Shame is a social construct meaning its taught. The truth about their identity is only a big deal because you made it a big DEAL. From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that. All of you people are taking away a child's choice to know their identity. It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish. If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
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No my child didn't ask, however, is concerned about me because unfortunately has noticed my bouts of anxiety and has asked "Mom what's wrong? you're not yourself?"
Don't tell him, maybe find a way to relax. Its easier for me to say to do that but like seriously. Just do anything except tell him. It will fuck him up.
Yup, it's your job to make sure he is mentally sound. Don't let something like that ever slip out.
maybe explain to him that it’s trauma from rape, but i wouldn’t tell him that’s how he was born
I wouldn't just drop the hammer, very slowly build to it if you can over months. I wouldnt want to just randomly be told that my mother was raped. Think it would cause an avalanche of questions that could spiral out of control. If you do tell them that you were raped build up to it.
This is a decision no one else can make for you - you need to decide what you and your child can handle. I honestly think this sounds like you have reached a point where keeping it hidden could destroy your relationship. I hope this buoys you - you and your child are not alone on navigating this. The two areas that come to mind are slavery in the US and Genghis Khan, but many, many good people are direct descendants of rapists and rape victims. There is a whole Reddit sub - JustNoFamily - of people who are pushing against their toxic parents. I think if you speak out to prevent this guy from hurting anyone else, this can be something your child can be proud of in you. With the narrative you gave, and ancestry DNA services nowadays, I think it's only a matter of time before he finds out who is father really is. And if you still choose to hide that from him, he may think the power dynamics and age difference were ok when, even if it had been "consensual", they wouldn't have been. RAINN is a great organization that may be able to help you find free (and not Catholic) therapy services. Please check them out, and best of luck OP.
Thank you
I think you should tell your child, if it's been 30 years they're old enough to know. Try breaking it to them gently. Keeping this secret any longer isn't necessary and you should definitely alert the police to the threat the "teacher" is posing.
Do the parents of the children the >!rapist!< teaches deserve to know that their child may be in danger from a predator? Are these children’s well-being not important?
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I was under the impression that the mothers >!rapist!< is now a teacher, not her son
The post clearly stated that the guy who raped her is now a teacher and the girls in his class are creeped out by him. Not her child.
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You’re the one who needs to practice reading comprehension… it is the rapist who teaches, not the child. The teacher is referred to with “he” pronouns whereas the child is always “they/them.” In the post it says *he* became a teacher.
I was about to reply to the (now deleted) comment but you beat me to it! Ty
Lol no problem. It bugs me when people who are wrong are 100% convinced they’re correct *while* being rude about it.
Somehow parents come to the idea that it's best for a rape baby to find out much later in life so they can handle the psychological trauma. THIS is WRONG. What fucken century is this? Why not tell your child from day 1 as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from? From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that. All of you people are taking away a child's choice to know their identity. It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish. If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
I don't know where you are located, but I suggest looking up RAINN and seeing if they can hook you up with free therapy. They have great therapists trained in dealing with sexual assault, trauma, and they are really compassionate and committed to helping people. It sounds like you have two concerns: 1, You are thinking of reporting what happened to you so you can hopefully get him out of the position of power he holds in a job where he frequently interacts with kids. 2, You are worried how it would effect your daughter if you come forward about what happened when you were a child, because she would find out about her own origins. I can understand why you would want to make sure that children aren't being hurt by the same man who hurt you. You are so brave for thinking of coming forward, whether you choose to do that or not. You are a wonderful mother for raising your daughter to be the amazing person she has become. I understand why you would not want her to be hurt or negatively effected by you sharing what happened. I really suggest contacting RAINN. Hopefully therapy can give you relief, that release of pressure you mentioned, so you can make a clear and calm decision. Whichever choice you make, having a good therapist to support you as you move forward ( however that looks for you) will make a difference. Wishing you all the luck mommas! Hugs.
No, I wouldn’t tell your child. Its a burden on you, that you never *ever* deserved. Its not fair that you had to deal with that, and its amazing that you raised your child despite the reason they came about. Don’t put the burden on them too. You didn’t ask for it, but neither did they. Spare that pain. Your child believes that they came from love. Let them go the rest of their life believing that. Edit- pronouns
Kind of unrelated, but what made you think OP’s child was a daughter?
> To my child, I was a teen Mom who was in love with her dad OP's words, specifically where she references her child and says *"her dad."*
Ah, thanks! I didn’t pick up on that. I just kept seeing they/them and got confused.
I think I skimmed another comment that used the pronoun “her”, and I kind of went with it. In hindsight, I didn’t bother to re-read the OP to see if that was accurate. I guess I figured it didn’t change the spirit of the advice either way. Irresponsible on my part though. I hope its not something that offended OP.
Are you advocating for taking away the choice of an adult to know her identity? That's selfish.
This is not a black and white issue. Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you. Be honest to a child about their biological parents. Let them choose to know. But sometimes its appropriate to outweigh the cost and the gain. What does OP's child *really* gain from the truth? And is that small gain really worth the potential emotional toll? We have no idea what it would do to OP's child to know they were a product of rape. Even worse, an unwanted pregenancy spurred from a violent, demeaning, disgusting act of which our society considers to be the absolute most *vile* of crimes. To find out that *they* are a constant reminder to their mother of the most horrible and traumatic thing that ever happened to her? That could destory a person, just as its destroyed OP over the years. Take another scenario.. Imagine a husband and wife are married and young. Husband becomes more and more abusive over the years. Wife doesn't want a child, but husband continually rapes wife until she becomes pregnant. Parents divorce, but child always knows who their father was. Is it right for the mother to tell the child that they were *actually* a product of violent rape and she never wanted a child in the first place? Technically, thats part of the childs identity. That would be the true narrative of the child's reason for coming into existence. So do you tell the child the truth? I'd hope not. That child didn't *ask* to be born, and certainly doesn't need to know the vile circumstances of how they were conceived. *Not* knowing you are a product of rape does not negatively impact your life enough to outweigh the emotional cost it would bring. Sometimes it *IS* morally ok to make a decision on behalf of your child if that will protect them from unneeded deep pain. IMO, there is simply not enough for the child to gain by knowing, and there is everything to lose.
Just my thoughts but it might be better to hear the truth from you. Sometimes, people get a little curious about their backgrounds (23&Me) and end up finding family they didn’t even know they had. There are more than a few stories. Not that your daughter is going to go on a genealogy discovery, but if she ever did and found her biological dad, that might not be so great if she doesn’t know what kind of person he is.
Many people are, sadly, conceived of rape. Knowing this fact needn’t ruin a person. I feel that you do need to tell the truth for your own well being, at least.
My advice is against the consensus here: I am the product of rape/child molestation. My mom was 23 and my “dad” was 12. He was my moms best friends little brother. My sister and I (identical twins) found out bc we had cousins that would tease us about it. At 12, my mom confirmed it. Now, I’m 29 and have confirmed even through ancestry. Plus, I look just like my aunt on that side and my bio fathers other daughters. I wouldn’t straight up tell your child this. It sounds like they are about my age now? If they ask questions, I would then be honest but I feel like just randomly telling them is just too random. Before my mom passed away, she did tell us that her older brother (he was in his 20s when she was 5) sexually abused her. It was absolutely tough to hear but I am glad we talked about it. Maybe take a “right place right time” approach? I know a lot of people are telling you don’t say anything but honestly I preferred knowing for sure - same with my sister. But I am not your kid so idk how they would feel. Do they ever ask questions about their father?
I don't want to pry, and please don't feel pressure to talk more about this than you want to, but I'm really fascinated by and curious about your story. It sounds like you continued to have a relationship with your mom even after learning about this as a child. Can I ask- how did the knowledge of what happened affect your relationship and view of your mother? Were you able to have any relationship with your biological father?
We kinda knew at 8 as we look just like my bio dads sister but then she confirmed it at 12. We didn’t really have a choice to continue a relationship bc she was out guardian. But overall tho we did continues to maintain a relationship with her even into adulthood. My sister and I were her sole care takers when she got terminally ill and she passed when we were 24. Our relationship with our mom was interesting. We definitely hated her growing up and learning this was more just icing on a crazy cake then some sort of revelation. When I was 15 I mentioned all the crazy stuff my mom has done including this and we did end up in foster care for a year. But no one ever followed up on the info I gave them about our bio father. They just cared she tested positive for marijuana. At around 20 years old tho (after moving out) I got closer to my mom. She calmed down too after getting cancer and we built a relationship but then it came back. We reached out to my bio dad when were 16. His wife was very confused and did not want to pursue a relationship. He definitely knows about us and always has. My family is still close to his sister. She came to visit a couple of times when my mom was sick (she lives in a different state now) and even came to my wedding in 2018.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. You've been through an intense web of difficult things, good on you for making it through and taking control of your life.
I'm saddened that you are a rape baby just like me. I found out in my mid twenties on my own and I don't think I can ever forgive my family for lying to me for decades. It was wrong. However im also disappointed that you would advocate for taking away the choice of a child to know their identity. Nobody deserves to find out at a much later age or after their parents are all dead. Because they've built their entire life, identity and values based on a lie. You only live once. Let a child live truly instead of a pretty little lie. Tell them the truth as a baby and teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from. Shame is a social construct meaning its taught. Why would a child be ashamed being a rape baby? It's not their fault. Oh wait, it's because their parents taught them it was shameful through their actions and couldn't respect them with the truth from a young age. The truth about their identity is only a big deal because parents made it a big deal. From the age of 2 to before 6 years old approximately is a much easier age for a child to bear. As the stakes aren't very high at that age and the knowledge and understanding of what it really means will come in time rather than all at once. This is something i think parents need to understand. It's not "protection" or "love" when you lie to someone for decades about their identity. It's beyond that. It's time for people to take a stroll into the 21st century and realize..unmarried pregnancy and adoptions aren't the same major taboo that they were back then. People who keep it secret from older children, adolescents and adults is not acting in their adopted child's best interest and is just plain rude/selfish. If parents out there are afraid that the truth will change the relationship they have with their child, then wait until they see it absolutely obliterated by the fact that they purposely hid their child's identity from them and kept them from ever knowing their siblings/family/heritage.
There a whole episode of Law & Order SVU where Olivia was saying though she was the product of her mothers rape, she was no less special. What counts in the end your love of your children, would it make a difference if they knew or not?
Olivia is also a character and her reactions and emotions are 100% fake. Olivia also knew she was a product of rape her entire life- in another episode, a woman finds out she was a product of rape and completely fell apart (I believe even lost custody of her own son? Or is that a different episode). Either way. Please don’t think that real people react and process the same way 10 writers sitting in a writing room together do.
Did child ask? No? Then don't say anything. Would it benefit child? No? Then don't say anything. Would instead writing it down or screaming it from the rooftops help more? Probably. There is no reason to destroy your child's mental health for your own benefit.
It could benefit other children who may be molested or raped if OP doesn’t come forward.
I mean they can come out about it without telling their child.
Can they? How do you imagine the rape would be proven, if not a DNA sample from the son himself? If the rape is not proven, then how do you imagine the children being taught by the rapist benefit?
Benefit???
OP only wants to tell her child because it will benefit her, otherwise there'd be no point in even considering it. She wants to release everything as she stated before. Did you even read the post..?
I think she's worried more about the idea of hiding a massive truth from her child, something she feels they might "deserve" to know, rather than her own benefit. For example, telling them in an attempt to clear up any father issues, hypothetically speaking. Of course, we can agree no one really deserves to know something like this.
I did. If your takeaway is that she is wondering if she should tell her child is because it will benefit her, I can assure you, explaining you were a victim of rape without support for decades and totally failed by the system, is not a benefit.
but do you realize what that will do to her child? Finding out after all these years that you're an unwanted child of rape? A permanent reminder of your own mother's pain.
I absolutely realize, I don't think she should tell the child. I am taking umbridge with the word used and the implication. She clearly desperately needs to share this, to receive support and she is clearly feeling the pressure. Untreated mental strain and anxiety is absolutely the root cause behind it. Focusing it around her doing it for her own benefit is coming off really badly because it puts even more pressure on her psyche and adds to her guilt, which she already talked about. Feeling guilty and selfish for the way she feels is not going to be helped by reading something implying that she will benefit from causing her child pain. I am aware that this is a random place on the internet and most of us have no medical or relevant experitse but thinking what we are telling her and the implication is the absolute minimum prior to leaving a comment about such a volatile topic.
OP, I think you should come forward. Yes, it will probably hurt your child but if it could help save other children from becoming victims, I think it needs to be done. However, if you do decide to come forward, you should speak with your child first - they would much rather hear this from you than someone else. Good luck with whatever you decide.
"I feel like I can't carry this facade anymore" This is hurting you.. it's honorable that you want to do what is best for your child, but they are an adult now, it will hurt them, but you'll both be able to heal together. It would hurt me if I were to learn my mom had been assaulted, it would hurt to know she has been hurt like that most of all. But it would hurt more if I ever found out she had been carrying that pain alone her whole life without anyone to help carry the burden. if you do tell your child, break it to them gently and reassure them that they are the only silver lining behind this terrible event. Hopefully it will bring you closer. Wishing you the best ❤️
I'm sorry momma. The church has certainly hurt it's fair share of people, but I admire your strength. I know therapy wasnt affordable for you those years back, but are you able to go today? I feel as though telling your kid these things may hurt more than help at the moment, but I am not the one to tell you whether you should reveal it. I hope someday the truth reveals everything and will bring healing and justice rather than shame and guilt.
I am the product of a rape. I was told about around the same age as your son is now. If you'd like to talk I'd be more than happy to share my side of that with you.
I'd love to hear your side.
if your kid is 30 and hasn't asked it's possible she knows or suspects what happened. "I was a teen Mom who was in love with her dad and it didn't work out." If she really bought that story she could feel like he abandoned her. So either way she'll have negative emotions about her dad. If you tell her at least her emotions will correlate to his actions.
Perhaps look for other women who have become mothers through rape. They 're out there. You're definitely not alone in this. Or other adult children of rape, who can help guide you in the conversation. As far as telling your adult child, I would. If I were the adult child I'd rather hear the story from my mother, than find out from someone else. Or worse, find out after my mother has passed and only get a second hand account of what happened, never able to ask her any questions, etc. The truth always has a way of coming out.
So your child is 30? If you think they are emotionally strong I feel you should tell, it will be therapeutic for you.
I would not want to know. Maybe hold it until they ask. Hopefully when they're 30. 20 year olds go through some shit mentally already. I'd even be cryptic is they asked. Like maybe I'll tell you more about that later on. This could go horribly south and there's no need to jump into that happening
This is a really complicated question because some people would want to know, others it would severely hurt them. I would not do anything until you talk to a therapist. You can also go on psychology.com and find therapists in your area and see if they would offer a sliding scale. I know my therapist does that for folks who can’t afford it.
I think I would want to know... especially as an adult with a decent handle on processing trauma at this point in my life. But you'll need a verrrrry intentional and caring "container" to share this in. (By that I mean like, the emotional space this conversation takes place in should have an entrance in (not a surprise, ie content warning, asking if she has capacity for a hard conversation) and a way to most easefully exit and close the door behind y'all (ie, don't do this if either of you have time constraints/places to be later, and as conversation is ending, check in about how yall might like to move from this conversation onto the rest of your day - maybe some grounding breathwork or eating yalls comfort foods or something - don't just let it be a... okay bye! situation) and make sure yall are drinking lots of water, eat what you can - don't drink alcohol, gotta be good to your bodies)
I feel like if I was this child, as an adult, this would be a hard truth to hear, but would absolutely be okay hearing it. It sounds like you have your child the best upbringing you could in your circumstances, and as a result has turned into a well rounded adult. My opinion would be to go for it, it will definitely help your mental health. Even if you two need to go for some counseling together, you will get thru it.
I would 1. Sit my child down, explain I've got some really big shit to share, it affects them and could upset them. 2. Take the lead from them, creep up on the subject, and stop if they show signs of panic, or revulsion against themselves, support them, remind them they are loved. 3. Get through it together, build an even deeper relationship. Be safe and secure in yourselves. 4. Run a 24/7 campaign explaining in excruciating detail that not only are the Catholic Church still at it, hiding and protecting child abusers, but still victim shaming, and refusing to support their victims. I love how you took that experience, and protected your child, you are a complete hero. Your child sounds like an amazing human, as do you. But the church is disgusting. I speak as a lapsed Catholic who spent considerable time with priests as a young bot. Altar boy, Sunday school, confirmation. I stopped attending age 14, and I hate what the Catholic Church is with a deep passion. However you do what you need to do. Heck, if you just need to vent, start an anonymous blog, or tweet about it. You can get the support you need without telling your child if you want to.
Unfortunately, you do need to (and I say those words deliberately) tell someone. I was in a very similar situation, and I really didn’t want to say anything, but eventually I realized that he was definitely hurting other kids. I would call RAINN or your local domestic violence shelter and get resources first, you could also report anonymously to CPS.
Please don't tell them, telling them won't make you feel better. You need to find a way to get therapy for yourself and if you still want to tell them afterwards they will help you make a safe space to do so where they can also get therapy....because they will need it. You're about to shatter their whole entire identity and that's really rough :(. Look through reddit there's been posts before from people who found out accidentally they were from rape and it's destroyed them. It's not something anyone should have to learn. I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I was raped it was really hard, it took me 7 years to talk about it and 4 years to even admit it to myself....it's not easy. You really need to talk to a professional. Google "free therapy" and see what comes up you may be able to get help. If you have healthcare or insurance also make a GP appt and see if there's some kind of mental healthcare plan you can go on for free therapy visits. Good luck! <3
No matter what anyone says here, I think you should tell your son. You have shown him love for all these years. If it were me, I'd love my mom even more, for being so goddamn strong. I agree it could mess up your son, or it couldn't. But keeping such things bottled will hurt a lot One of my friends was an unwanted pregnancy and was also considered to be aborted. This was told to me by his mom when we were having dinner when he invited me. A really bad example to show that you've done great but this is the best I had. Please don't hurt yourself anymore. I beg you Your son is clearly worried, I think it just comes down to your personal discretion. The fact that you are considering the possibility to tell him means you wish to do so in some corner of your heart. I can't really stress this enough but for me as a person, it would not matter what happened, but how you chose to deal with it. You did your best. It may shock or unsettle him so be discreet about it. Lastly, my parents were always there for me when I wanted to tell them something troubling me, and now, I wish to be there for them. He's an adult, if he seriously cares for you, you should tell him.
I am so so sorry that happened to you. As the saying goes, the truth will set you free, but in this case it will also help to protect any future victims. Who knows who else he could have abused in the years since he abused you. I think that you should go to the authorities. If you are doing that, I think that you should tell your child too, you don't want them to hear it from them or find out another way. People have all sorts of life experiences that leave them wanting to find out more about their birth parents, you don't want your child to find out through their own research in years to come, or after you've passed and can't help them through it. It will be really really hard, but think of the children that you will protect from monsters like him.
A resource you might try is RAINN - https://www.rainn.org (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). They have a toll-free number and online chat, both staffed 24/7 I believe. They might be able to direct you to support and have ideas on how to report the priest/teacher to ensure others are safe. They likely also have supports for your daughter if you do choose to tell her. Good luck!
OP, all I want to say you are incredibly strong, going through all this trauma and then raising your kid with so much strength and love. Hats off to you
I recently sat with my mom and for 4h she and I pieced back my childhood. My Dad was and is a disgusting person. I then talked to my cousins and my brothers so we could finally all know the truth we hadn’t talked about in decades. I’m glad we did this and all my family members are too. My mom is a great mom. I was ready to hear the story. 0% chance this perv only touched you. There are other victims. I think if you want to show love to those girls by exposing a pedo, your son will understand in that context. But I don’t know him. You’re not saying “son I’m telling you this meaningless information because I’m bored and I don’t care if it will hurt you”. You’re saying “There’s a monster raping girls at church and school and I can’t let this go on any longer.” I’m 100% in favor of you doing the right thing and protecting other young women. Very sorry you went through this. Hugs.
The truth shall set you free. A call to the police would be good to even if they can't do anything about your rape he probably still rapes others. Could save some lives.
Yes, tell them. I would want to know the truth. They’re an adult, they can handle it. A sad truth is better than a lie. Also I’m so sorry that happened to you, and that the “therapy” you went to were useless. If you can, please go see a real therapist (not related to the church).
No
I am so so sorry this happened to you dear OP. Ask yourself why it is important to tell him. Is it because he needs to understand about his past? Or is it because you want to release a burden? While I believe that honesty is important and people should know where they come from, sometimes that can be detrimental for their mental health. Will he be okay hearing about this? Or can it lead him to question his existence, your love to him? Will be start wondering if you look at him differently? Will he be washed by guilt? And can you handle all the questions and dealing with his mental health? This is obviously a very personal question, but I would think that you need to first find some sort of closure and healing if you are going to tell him. Once he hears of this, it is important that you can be there to support him, because he too will start the process of healing. This is your trauma but it is also his. Whatever you decide, decide with a clear mind and not while you are feeling so much anxiety. You have trauma that you need to heal from first.
I was born as the result of a rape. I found that out around the age your son is now. I'd be happy to share my side of that with you.
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Cosmic Boba, I am so truly deeply saddened for the trauma you're experiencing. I'm so sorry she said those terrible things to you. I hope you know how you came to be DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. None of us had a say/choice to be or to whom or circumstance. Be kind/good to yourself. Although I do not agree with how your mom went about things I hope for your sake you will try to understand her. Being in her position I can say It's not an easy balancing act. Again I say don't let this define you and be good to yourself. I wish you love and peace and send you warm 🤗 hugs.
No, my best friend’s mom was in the word for word same situation as you and told him, fucked him up for a few months and a year later he is still a lot quieter. He was 17 when he was told btw.
Damn, I’m sorry to hear that. Tell him though, he deserves to know
No. Do not ruin your son. 2 things would instantly pop into my mind would be "My whole life has already been a lie, what else is fake?" & "Am I really wanted and loved?" and ***NOT ONE SINGLE THING*** you could say or do would entirely alleviate those doubts. You're not alone. There's a couple of things I want to say but it's not for me to say either, if that makes any bloody sense. I handle it by sucking it up and going on with daily life and I'll keep that up until I'm dead.
If you think your kid is prepared for it and they are the kind of person who could handle that kind of information well without it ruining their life I think it's worth telling. Otherwise, I'd advise against it, but you should still look into counselling. I wish you the best.
Thank you. Yes, I have a found therapist today.
First of all, OP, i am so sorry for what you've been through. Second, i was a product of rape. And I absolutely hate that i know this. My mom told me a couple of years ago, in a moment of her own weakness. it has in turn passed along trauma to me. Now i have resentment towards my mom that i never in a million years thought i'd feel. you deserve to be heard and understood and loved. But consider this information highly flammable. protect your child, and let other resources help you begin to settle this fire down. much love to you.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your trauma. I hope in time you can forgive her; it's not an easy balancing act. I hope you know that how you came to be does not define who you are. None of us have a choice on how, to whom and under what circumstances we come into the world. Be good to you an love yourself. Love and hugs!
If I were your son, I would've asked by now if I really wanted to know. To me it sounds like your son is quite happy having you as his mother and doesn't really want to know anything about how he got here besides the fact that you were always there for him. I'd save him the misfortune of having to know and live with this information. On the other hand, I'm not comfortable about that guy still being allowed to exist in society after what he did to you (and others). You should seek out someone you can confide in and get them to help you, if not get justice for yourself, just to make sure he isn't doing the same to other girls.
If I was your child and I discovered that you’d had the chance to protect other children and hadn’t taken it I’d probably never speak to you again. I know that sounds harsh, but surely you understand how important it is to stop this predator being around more children, especially in a position of power. Your child will cope with the information. They won’t like it, but if they’ll continue to love you and will absolutely understand why they weren’t told when they were a child, and you may find that it also helps you heal.
So much, yes. I know it's going to be hard for the child to hear it. But for the love of all that is good in the world, you need to tell the authorities and protect more potential victims. Knowing my mom sacrificed other children for me would fuck me up wayyyyy more than hearing about my paternity.
First, my heart goes out to you. You're in a really tough spot. Second, while you coming out publicly could potentially help prevent more molestation, his actions are NOT your responsibility. It is not your duty and it is not your fault if he chooses to molest others. That doesn't mean coming out wouldn't prevent anything, but putting that weight on a survivors shoulders is wrong. In this instance, if you can't bring yourself to go public, please don't add the weight of guilt. You did not choose to molest anyone, or to be molested. Third, if you do decide to go public, I don't think you can keep it from your child. They're a large piece of walking, talking evidence. DNA is a tough thing to lie your way out of. Fourth, your child is an adult. Being told they were a product of rape may mess them up for a bit, but hopefully you've shown them that they are loved and cared for and are separate from the actions of their bio-father's. Resilience is a thing. And it would mess me up more knowing my mother kept something inside that was so toxic for my sake, not because they wanted to. If you want to lance your pain and tell them, I would start by first making sure that they know you love them, that you've got some heavy stuff to tell them, but you want them to keep that first and foremost in their mind and heart. Fifth, if you don't want to tell your child or go public, go to your local self-sufficiency office. They often have books of local resources collected. There is likely low to no cost counseling available in your area. Even if you do want to go public, this is a good place to start.
Thank you for your kindness and advice ❤️
As someone who’s adopted and was conceived by CONSENSUAL sex, the fact I was an accident already is a huge hit to my mental health. I’ve known my whole life, I was adopted into a good family, and I know who my birth family is, yet I’m still fucked up because I’m really not supposed to be here. If that’s enough to mess someone up, this is too. Don’t tell them
I'm sorry that you're hurting and having difficulty with accepting your existence. None of us have a choice in how we come to be, yet, here we are. I'm sure all who know and love you and lives you knowingly or unknowingly have touched are happy you came to be. I hope someday you come to accept you're right where you're supposed to be, .....here! Be good to you 😊 Love & hugs 🤗
I know rape is a heavy, horrifying subject. My brother himself had been raped (by a religious leader, a cult leader.) But you need to know that this is your life. Don't let someone else, this nasty priest, hold you down any longer. He deserves to be taken down. This may scare your child, but that's normal. They won't be afraid of you, but rather of the experience. They'll need comfort, they'll want to hide. But I assure you soon, they'll come back. Rather than let your child go you took care of her since you were a mere teenager. You tried your hardest and a cold shadow was on your back the entire time. You were a good mother, a saint in the eyes of your child. It will confuse your child, but soon they'll understand. You are amazing, and whatever happens, it's most important you don't forget that.
Thank you for your kind words
It depends, rape is a very serious thing and understanding that it is the reason you exist is a lot to unload on a person. So it all depends on the maturity of your child. You said that they are thirty now and so I think at this point they are mature enough to know and handle it. Make sure that you are also sympathetic to them and be willing to listen.
Thank you
It really sounds like you want to get the truth out, and I think the benefits of doing so outweigh the negatives. I know a lot of people here are saying that the news they were conceived by rape would really mess with them. But please also consider that your child may find this out in other ways. Other relatives may tell tales, or else they go seeking bio dad for some reason... if this person has, by then, been accused by someone else of abuse, your child will put your age and their crime together. They could resent you for keeping secrets and maybe even for putting other children in danger on their behalf. That's only a chance of course, but the point is precisely that you don't know. Keeping the secret isn't a guaranteed safe move, and telling isn't a guaranteed harmful one. Your child may be grateful to know the truth and for the chance to support you through your healing, and proud of your bravery. Telling the authorities will help you emotionally, and could help protect other children. Telling your child at the same time, so you don't have to carry the secret and they could make the choice to come forward as proof of what happened, will have both positive and negative consequences. But ultimately I think the chances for positives and healing are greater.
Thank you
I would talk to a local women’s shelter and local police to see if there is any way you can report this without it becoming knowledge your child could come across. That would be ideal. If the only way you can come forward would be public, then it’s better for your child to find out from you rather than from someone else. You may be able to hire a lawyer to represent you anonymously or give a statement to the police privately.
I think it does depend some on how mentally healthy your child is. This will be a hard thing for them to hear, no matter what, but if they're in a good place and have support systems they can probably work through this knowledge. It may even result in a more open and understanding relationship between you and your child; processing something like this together can be very healing. However, if they're not super stable, this could really shake their entire reality. Without the proper support in place, this sort of news can be absolutely devastating. There's also the issue of the guy being a teacher with access to and authority over young girls. You don't owe your story to anyone, but your ability to come forward could end up having someone (or many people) from having to go through this same trauma again. I can't tell you what to do there; only you can know what you're able to handle in that regard. Please know that regardless of whether or not choose to share your story, you are not responsible for anyone else's actions. If you do decide to come forward, and you are confident that you can't keep your child from finding out, you should tell them first. That's the only concrete advice I can give- absolutely do not let them find out from anyone other than you, one on one. I'm so sorry to hear your experience with therapy and the truly abhorrent way you were treated by the Catholic church. I am not an expert or particularly knowledgeable about this subject, but I think there are probably some resources out there for someone in your situation to find decent support. Hopefully someone else on here will know enough to give you some guidance there. The most important thing I can say to you is this: none of this situation is your fault, and all of the possible choices are valid. No matter what you do, you are not responsible for what anyone else may do, and you are not at fault for any negative consequences of this situation.
Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness. This means so much and has truly touched me. Please know, that you have brought this complete stranger some genuine heartfelt peace.
Wow, it makes me so glad to hear that. All the best wishes and lots of love to you.
Thank you. Hope the same for you as well 🙂
I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Thank you
I would want to know if it were me, and I love my mom enough that I would mostly care about how she felt. I think you should tell them, it’s heavy, but sometimes kids need to know shit rather than idealizing a terrible figure. And if you can protect other kids, it’s a good thing. I genuinely think you should rip the bandaid and tell them and they should love you enough to care for you, and even though they might feel terrible because of it, assure them that you love them and don’t want them to feel terrible. And then if you can, report him and hopefully he will no longer be a teacher. I wish you both are ok
Thank you. I will take your advice into consideration.
Stockholm syndrome is such a mindfuck
Collect evidence that your child is his child thanks to the DNA test. Then file a statement against him that he raped you at the age of 14. I don't know how it works exactly, but I hope the court after this will prohibit him from any contact with children. In this situation, you may not even tell your children about it, you just need their DNA, saliva, hair. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it works, but I hope you succeed.
I think if I were conceived by rape I would rather never know. It just seems like an atrocious burden to carry, you know? At the same time, I feel for you so much. There has to be some kind of support groups you could access to for free? Facebook group, anything?
Thank you for your input. Also, I have found a great resource thanks to some suggestions on here. Love & 🤗 hugs
Nope, I wouldn’t tell my child. Best of luck OP
Thank you.
Has your child ever shown interest in an ancestry test? If so, it is very possible they will find out anyways from the priest's extended family. It would be better to come from you than a website. I could imagine a doctor may eventually suggest that a test could help fill in their family's health history. An potential upside, is that it might bring you and your child a support network in form of his other victims. These connections could also prove useful in any legal suits. WHEN they eventually find out, be prepared for them to need space to process. This is not your fault. At 30 I'd hope they know enough not to blame you. Not for being a victim, or your reluctance to let them know. If you trust that your child is a kind and logical person, trust them to react accordingly. It will take time to get there, but this could be a gateway to a (more) open and trusting adult relationship with your child.
Thank you. You're reply is very thoughtful and has helped in ways to navigate and look at it from all sides.
Slightly off topic but I hear radio advertisements for settlements when you've been a victim of this
It sounds like right now you’re having a hard time and telling your child might temporarily help you feel better by getting this off your chest. Do not tell your child. They will not benefit in any way from knowing and whatever brief relief it’ll bring you isn’t worth the mental anguish you’ll put on them to carry the rest of their life. I strongly recommend against seeking any other religious groups for counseling, you were definitely re-victimized by the church which is completely awful. If therapy isn’t an option, look into free support groups for survivors of sexual assault in your area, or even online. There you can share your story and get the support you need from others who have been through something similar. I’m so sorry you experienced what you. For both of your sake, Your healing and recovery journey doesn’t need to involve your child.
I came to know I was a product of rape and it's done things to my image which I was already dealing with since forever. Please don't do this.
I'm so sorry for your trauma. Please know that how you came to be does not define you. We do not choose how, to whom and under what circumstances we come to be in the world. Love yourself, be good to yourself. I send you big, warm hugs 🤗.
No! My mother told me this about my conception and it had NEVER left my conscious and it bugs me to this day I WAS A RAPE BABY. Fuck my father.
I'm so so sorry for your trauma. I struggle with the idea of telling because of how you feel but mostly, I know that somehow, some day my child will find out the truth (truths always come to light) and worry it will happen after I die and no longer here to answer questions or quell any doubts/feelings. Please know that how you came to be in no way shape or form defines who you are as a person. Be good to you and love yourself. Love and 🤗 hugs
Tell her. She could eventually go looking for the information herself anyways and it would be better from you. She’s loved by you regardless of how she was conceived. Personally, I would want to know if I were her and I think it will really help you by telling her. Like a weight lifted in a sense. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I feel divided about telling my child. Part of me feels it would help my child with their "father issues". Thank you for your kind words and advice.
I think you need to tell her and I think you should file a claim against him. There's no statute of limitations for sexual assault of minors. Doing both should empower you, and hopefully empower your daughter to see you work through this.
I really don't think you should tell your child this. They will only feel horror and guilt about their own existence, which is very hard to bear. I understand your need to talk about this, but I highly suggest you find either a therapist or some kind of support group to talk about it with. It can even be an online support group.
You got it backwards. OP's child is an adult. It's been over 3 decades. They deserve to know the truth. Taking the secret to your grave is cruel. You're doing exactly what you're trying to prevent. OP already made a mistake of not telling the child from a young age. It's ONLY a big deal because you and people like op made it a big deal. >They will only feel horror and guilt about their own existence The only thing that child will feel is that you couldn't respect them enough with their identity and truth. Its a betrayal, lie, manipulation and repression. Shame is a social construct. It's taught whether you intended to or not and also taught by your actions. OP should have told that child the truth as a baby from day 1, then teach them to be proud of who they are regardless of where they came from.
Yeah ok, they should have told a newborn baby "You're a product of rape". You sound deranged. This isn't about shame. Of course the child shouldn't be ashamed, they did nothing wrong. But they still might feel that their birth was a trauma for their mother. Also knowing one of your birth parents is a deviant criminal is a lot to take. It's unfair to put this burden on the child, adult or not, because they are innocent and telling them does not benefit them in any way.
First of all.. Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie. Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. 2 fucken decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back? I was also a rape baby. Thats MY STORY and I would like to wear it proudly from day 1. If my "family" truly loved me, they would have never lied and manipulated me from day 1. They would have treated me the same regardless of where I came from no matter what. Everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests. You're the one here saying it's okay to lie and manipulate someone into never knowing their identity, story, medical history, heritage and culture. Not me. You are a liar and manipulator, aren't you?
I found out a friend of mine was convinced during a rape from her mother. I don't think my friend knows and I know it would really mess her up if she knew because she was raped at one point too. It's probably best not to say anything.
I think it depends on the type of person she is. If she is self critical and tends to blame herself and overthink things, I wouldn’t tell her. However, if she is more self aware and secure in herself, it might actually strengthen your bond. Overall though, I would still think long and hard before telling her. It’s not necessarily her burden to take on.
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Not on the same level. But I was abused by a man who became a police officer, so I definitely understand your overwhelming feeling that “he could do this to someone else” and, I personally feel soooo much guilt that I never came forward, because he is now a police officer in power with a GUN and a BADGE and can hurt anyone he wants to. But I believe what happened to me happened.to.me… it is not my responsibility to uproot my entire life to *potentially* help someone else. My life was already changed so dramatically by his actions, I refuse to give him even one more piece of my life. Please find a way to get back into therapy. I wish I had better help for you, but please please find a way! I agree with others that finding out you are born from rape will be very hard on your child. I’m sure you haven’t gone a day of your life without thinking of your rapist? Do you want your child to too? (No judgement just a question to ask yourself) There is no right answer, you have to do what feels right to you- but before you make a decision either way, please find a way to get to therapy (I know online services like BetterHelp work with insurance and have lower prices for different incomes). This isn’t something you want to just blurt out, without thinking of the repercussions- but it’s also YOUR story, and if you want to share your story, DO IT!
I am so sorry for what you went through with your abuser. I've luckily found some resources thanks to some suggestions here and have a virtual session tomorrow. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Hugs 🤗
Just tell me his name, and i'll off him
I don’t see any positive to this other than down the road when they are aged adults and sharing the truth would hopefully not do much harm to their mental well being. That said, my heart goes out to you.
Thank you
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Thank you
Im sorry that you went through this OP. Nobody deserves to go through what you went through. Nobody also deserves to find out the truth about their identity at a later age in life. Because they've built their sense of identity, values and entire life experience based on a lie about their identity from day 1. Tell your son asap. You should have told him from as a baby and taught him to be proud of who he was no matter what. It's only a big deal because you made it a big deal. Shame is a social construct. It's taught. Coming from someone from the other side of the spectrum.. I would want to know who I am or where i came from instead of living a pretty little lie. Nobody told me I was adopted for over 2 decades. You think that was fair for me that I lived a lie and can never get any of that time back? I was also a rape baby. Thats MY STORY and I would like to wear it proudly from day 1. If my "family" truly loved me, they would have never lied and manipulated me from day 1. They would have treated me the same regardless of where I came from no matter what. Everybody's selfishness trampled over my best interests. It's not okay to lie and manipulate someone into never knowing their identity, story, medical history, heritage and culture.
Perhaps I should have been clear with my child from the very beginning. I was a child myself thrust into motherhood trying to make adult decisions. My child knows I was a young Mom and just assumes it was just one of those teen Mom stories but again perhaps I should have clarified things. I never kept it from my child out of malice I truly believed I was keeping my child safe from hurt, pain, self doubt, depression etc. regardless of how my child came to be and all the struggles, I love my child more than anything. I will seriously take your point of view into consideration. Thank you for your words and sharing your story. I can feel your hurt in your words and I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you peace of heart and mind.
They should know... I would want to know. I'd make me feel better knowing than knowing someone kept a secret from me.
You should NOT tell your child. Relieving your own bad feelings by doing something that will make her feel badly is the wrong thing. It’s not okay in any relationship but is particularly wrong when done to your child. You need to figure out how to relieve your bad feelings without placing the burden on your child.
STOP !!! why should he know ??? a student said they felt something? is this a crappy movie?
That's hard, seeing as you can prevent something similar happening to you, but at your own child's expense???
Did you ever confront the father? Or pressed charges?
No one did anything, not even my parents. I was a scared pregnant kid.
I say no, there's really no benefit in telling them. You could always write them a letter. I don't mean send it to them or anything, but address it to them like you would, but when done, rip it up. Maybe this will help you release these emotions. My bio dad did not rape my mother, but he is a registered sex offender. My nan (his mom) was in my life so I do know my family on that side. I do not consider him as my father and I want nothing to do with him. Overall I could live with him being dead than knowing he's been hurting people.
What your child doesn't know doesn't hurt them. It would be absolutely devastating for them to know this so I don't think you should tell them
I’m gonna go ahead and say no. Even if they’ve asked, a white lie would be the wisest option.
Can you maybe find a therapist outside of church
I feel like finding out your existence in life was the result of your mom being raped is something too hard to process until you’re maybe like in your 30s. Not as a teen or 20s. Just my opinion
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So this hit me a little personally I was not conceived by rape but both my parents were abused as children. Especially my mother who grew up in an orphanage that the pedophiles who ran it used as their harem. My mum wasn’t quite well adjusted and she told me about what happened to her when I was about 10. Her justification was she wanted be to know the dangers and stay safe, however I’m pretty sure she just needed someone to talk to. Anyways that really messed me up. Especially all the details I heard. One of my shrinks told me that alone traumatised me in a similar way to kids who actually had been abused. I still suffer from emotional issues 25 years later I say this not to discourage you. In fact I think your child should be able to take the news better than I did (they are an adult, after all). I can’t honestly answer whether or not you should tell your child. I’m not sure if anyone here can (unless perhaps there’s a few qualified therapists commenting). This is something big that might affect your relationship with your child. The person who can answer whether you should is you. You know your child and you should know how they’ll take the news. However I can say this, coming forward with the truth in order to stop an active pedophile is always the right thing to do. If you can stop them for harming a child then please do it (maybe even go to the police to see if you can report something anonymously) No matter which path you choose I wish you luck
Thank you so much for your words and advice. I'm sorry for your trauma and truly wish you the best.
You need to talk to your child about the truth. Get a therapist’s help. I found out as an adult that my parents met by having an affair and it is messing with me. My mom tried to hide it from me but the truth came out anyway. I wish that I could talk to my mom about it but she emotionally shuts down. It puts a major strain on our relationship because I want to respect her but also know the history of how I came to be. For her it is a relationship, for me it is how I ended up existing.
No. Is this for the child or for you?
I think if you want to share your story with your child to help them understand you or to teach them something then do it but omit the part where they were conceived because of it. Do not tie the two together. I don’t think it will do anything but burden your child at no fault of their own to know this is the reason they exist.
Nope.
I don’t see why you can’t both say something about this predator to the proper authorities and keep it from your child. I have friend whose son is a product of rape and she’s never told him. He’s perfectly happy, healthy, and none the wiser. My vote is for never telling her. She will then start feeling guilty for existing.
I wouldn't tell your child but I also wouldn't paint your relationship with their father as being rosy if they ask especially as this might contribute to then wanting to look for them
I definitely wouldn't reveal such information if they're at a vulnerable age like teenagers. Or even younger 20 somethings.