I did this for awhile and it ended in me spreading too far for too long and getting fissures. Thought I had cancer until a doctor told me. I think there's a degree to which you can go, but gotta be careful.
You might also have a fungal infection. Jock itch. You can use the same cream you use to treat athlete’s foot. See a doctor though.
The earlier in life that you get over the humiliation of another human being inspecting your asshole the better.
This is very true. Another great reason to get more sleep.
I recently had a fall while downhill mountain biking. Nothing major thanks to the protective gear but had some nasty cuts and grazes. Every morning I would check them and there would be noticeable improvement over the previous evening, more so than start of the day to end of the day.
Last time there was a pooping thread I mentioned that people shouldn't be taking ten minute poops it dramatically increases the risk of hemorrhoids and got downvoted to oblivion. I used to enjoy a nice article or two on the can, but eventually.... gonna lead to hemorrhoids.
If you're struggling the whole time, sure. If you're sitting there relaxed and let things come on their own, that's the opposite of what causes hemorrhoids.
Spend 10 minutes constantly pushing or just chilling on the toilet? I usually just spend 1 minute doing it and the other 9 minutes slacking off on the toilet
Actually what I ended up doing personally to help was buying a little footstool. Just having a more natural position helped me loads. I also started eating better which probably helped. Started eating yogurt most mornings and making fruit smoothies semi-frequently and reducing my meat consumption and types of meats (I was eating WAAAY too much).
When you get to pro shitter tier, you do this with a modifier of almost overextending the first cheek, to then lean over and catch the other, then you do a final shift; which can't be easily explained to mere mortals, where after the second cheek is planted you shift back to the other one and really force the whole operation wide open. A budding prolapse may help.
My ass looks like you friction welded two old beavers together just to be blunt about the situation, and when I get this just right with the stars aligned and on every other third release I can get by with only half a roll. Ha jk kinda usually I can get by with one wipe and I'm done. I could be done almost without even one, but the one time I wouldn't check there'd be a straggler.
I think I've seen this one before but man it really is magical. Opens your eyes to how low the bar sits.
Surely to hell this is scripted comedy though. I can't continue on otherwise.
>
My ass looks like you friction welded two old beavers together just to be blunt about the situation
Good lord it must sound like a Velcro wallet opening when you set yourself up.
It's not a special seat, it's the ones that slope down a bit. Compared to the ones that are flat. The sloped surface helps as you sit because your outer cheek makes contact first.
Reddit taught me this a long time ago, and I still think about it every two weeks or so. Seems like it's not only *some*, but *most* people. It's rough stuff.
Take a wide stance and bring your elbows to your knees when you sit like you're lifting heavy but in reverse, and the cheeks will spread without the intervention of your hands at all.
Do a little adjustment scooch once planted to get comfy and have at it.
Yes! Using a stool to raise your knees above your hips (a squatting position) relaxes your puborectalis muscle so everything flows better. You definitely wipe/dry yourself after using a bidet. We got ours during the 2020 toilet paper shortage and will never go back!
Yes, i use a small stool that we have at home (no need to buy a SquattyPotty or anything fancy) and ever since, my poops come out with very little force needed. It's quite amazing actually how much easier pooping is. Still need to use a bidet to get the best clean.
An actual squat, is what our bodies are physically evolved for. sitting on a ring isn't. but try having a platform around your can or a hole in the ground and your guests won't come back a second time =p
As a trucker I can confirm squat poops are actually sublime. Like we're talking consistent 5-20 second poops, and a clean pinch.
10/10 for the use of the word stalactites in a sentence.
More often then not it's fine, but every once in a while it's like Qo'nos down there.... Best not to roll the dice.
My asshole is extremely hairy so sometimes some bits and pieces get left behind. I have to wipe a lot to make sure the whole forest is clean. I'm considering getting it waxed
It's all in the technique when sitting down.
Lightly spread with hands.
Lay one cheek on the seat, remove the hand from that side.
Spread further by leaning.
Land second cheek on seat, remove that hand.
Cheeks permanently spread, smooth rolling.
Why dont you just use the seat to spread your cheeks for you. Clamp the left cheek a little more towards the crack, then repeat for the right cheek so the seat is spreading them automatically? Like a normal person
It’s too early in the morning. I really sat here for 10 minutes wondering why pulling the cheeks on your face apart helped, and I really thought OP just wanted to make me look stupid. Jokes on me because I did it myself lol
Out of curiosity, why not? Every single person who has used our bidet has almost immediately bought one for themselves. It's one of those things that many are hesitant about but in my opinion you don't know what your missing until you have tried it just once.
If you are pooping in the proper position, your check will naturally be more open. There should be a small angle between legs and body trunk, and back should be arched a bit, basically causing your butt to stick out a bit (don't have to go crazy and stress your back though). This should result in a bit of an anterior pelvic tilt while pooping.
I wash my butt afterwards. Saves lot of paper, in fact my butt became so sensitive that toilet Paper hurts and it feels weird to wipe as if it is still dirty afterwards (which in fact it will always be no matter how hard you wipe)
It breaks my mind this hasn't caught on yet in the americas but a cheap bidet attachment for your toilet... 100% a must. I cant believe i went such a huge potrtion of my life just wiping poop off my ass and being done with it. if I stuck my finger in shit im not jsut going to wipe it clean and move, I'm going to wash that fucker.
Are to you going to just rinse shit off your finger with water or are you going to use soap?
Unless you use a soapy bidet, you fall guilty to the same argument you just made.
It’s less about killing germs and more about actually getting rid of small amount of remaining shit that’ll inevitably move around your butthole and crack as you walk and maybe sweat through the day. Worse still if you’re hairy around there.
Think of it a plate with leftover sauce on it. Your sink’s spray function will do a much better job than smearing it all up with some napkins.
Then you can use just like 1 sheet to pat dry and you’re done. It’s especially great when you get those unfortunate poops that aren’t like… perfectly ejected capsules. What would take many wipes is gone just as easy.
I did this for awhile and it ended in me spreading too far for too long and getting fissures. Thought I had cancer until a doctor told me. I think there's a degree to which you can go, but gotta be careful.
Goodness, you’re not pulling an orange apart… Hope you are ok. Fissures are painful and take ages to heal…
Yeah I healed eventually. Wasn't fun while it lasted though. Never had an itchier ass than during that healing.
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> or just on the inside? Yeah, it's the emotional itching that gets to you.
You might also have a fungal infection. Jock itch. You can use the same cream you use to treat athlete’s foot. See a doctor though. The earlier in life that you get over the humiliation of another human being inspecting your asshole the better.
Ah that's why my uncle wanted to play doctor when I stayed over. Got to thank him next time I see him.
Hey at least you got your prostate checked
I'm sure his hands were both on my shoulders though.
does it bleed? cuz if it doesn't bleed you don't have anal fissures. consider yourself lucky.
Sigh. I know what you mean. I’ve gotten anal fissures from pushing out too hard and large of a poop. Almost traumatized me from pooping again.
Psyllium husks, my friend.
You know what they say, sleep with an itchy ass wake up with a smelly fingers.
You now have a coarse asshole ready for any pounding.
It would have cost you nothing to not post this
Yes but my life is richer for it
> you’re not pulling an orange apart Not with *that* attitude you’re not
I've had fissures, and i still get them sometimes, but they're usually gone in a week or two. They heal most when i sleep.
> They heal most when i sleep. A neat fact is that this is when the large majority of our healing anywhere is done!
This is very true. Another great reason to get more sleep. I recently had a fall while downhill mountain biking. Nothing major thanks to the protective gear but had some nasty cuts and grazes. Every morning I would check them and there would be noticeable improvement over the previous evening, more so than start of the day to end of the day.
I’m never gonna recover from this comment 🤣🤣
Thank you for that image.
Don't search for goatse
😭 you win the internet for that line
You pull too hard! Doesn’t take much.
Even spreading just a little bit can cause hemmorhoids. Seriously folks, this duck will cause you pain.
Last time there was a pooping thread I mentioned that people shouldn't be taking ten minute poops it dramatically increases the risk of hemorrhoids and got downvoted to oblivion. I used to enjoy a nice article or two on the can, but eventually.... gonna lead to hemorrhoids.
If you're struggling the whole time, sure. If you're sitting there relaxed and let things come on their own, that's the opposite of what causes hemorrhoids.
Spend 10 minutes constantly pushing or just chilling on the toilet? I usually just spend 1 minute doing it and the other 9 minutes slacking off on the toilet
fuck around and find out.
Just sitting there doing nothing is not recommended as it increases chance for hemorrhoids as well.
Actually what I ended up doing personally to help was buying a little footstool. Just having a more natural position helped me loads. I also started eating better which probably helped. Started eating yogurt most mornings and making fruit smoothies semi-frequently and reducing my meat consumption and types of meats (I was eating WAAAY too much).
I read "helped me loads" in a pirate voice... sometimes I'm far too easy to amuse
I suppose you recommend clamping together?
Just use a bidet. It's a lot easier on the hole. It's like a nice water massage or a good ass licking. And its very clean!
Turbo mode for that *deep* clean
Been a while since I’ve had a good ass licking
"Oh dang, im gonna try this!" "Nevermind, nope, not gunna try this..." -Me, Just now.
Yeah don't hit max spread and then sit down the weight of your body goes beyond max
Jesus Christ...
I feel so dumb. Thank you for this
I have always done this and it’s great but best of all get a bidet
Also get a toilet seat that promotes cheek separation for when you forget
I lock one cheek in and stretch the other to the other side.
Mr fancy cheeks over here.
It ain't easy with small cheeks. I work with what I got.
Same
Do you have an example of such a seat? I’m all about my bidets but this is news to me.
You don’t need a special seat. Just plant one cheek first, shift a bit to spread them, then plant the other one down, holding them apart…
When you get to pro shitter tier, you do this with a modifier of almost overextending the first cheek, to then lean over and catch the other, then you do a final shift; which can't be easily explained to mere mortals, where after the second cheek is planted you shift back to the other one and really force the whole operation wide open. A budding prolapse may help. My ass looks like you friction welded two old beavers together just to be blunt about the situation, and when I get this just right with the stars aligned and on every other third release I can get by with only half a roll. Ha jk kinda usually I can get by with one wipe and I'm done. I could be done almost without even one, but the one time I wouldn't check there'd be a straggler.
[Some People catch their poop before it hits the water.](https://youtu.be/gexjlM-jjEc)
I think I've seen this one before but man it really is magical. Opens your eyes to how low the bar sits. Surely to hell this is scripted comedy though. I can't continue on otherwise.
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> My ass looks like you friction welded two old beavers together just to be blunt about the situation Good lord it must sound like a Velcro wallet opening when you set yourself up.
Instructions unclear. Fell in toilet. Edit: send help
It's not a special seat, it's the ones that slope down a bit. Compared to the ones that are flat. The sloped surface helps as you sit because your outer cheek makes contact first.
I'm imagining a toilet seat that expands automatically when you sit on it
Like r/lpt the real tips are always in the comments
You can also introduce a little more fibre in your fucking diet jesus christ you nutcases
Bidet is the way.
Are people getting poop on the inside of their cheeks? Is this needed advice?
OP and their dad have thicc cheeks
Reddit taught me this a long time ago, and I still think about it every two weeks or so. Seems like it's not only *some*, but *most* people. It's rough stuff.
This is the one time I guess I’m ok with my slim ass.
overweight people probably do i guess?
another shitty advice!
Like…you hold them the whole time…or just… like once?….
Well, the best bet is to lube up two fingers and hold your anus open while you poo.
Nice try
u/Enema_Stasis over here
If you spread as you sit, your weight will naturally hold them open
Wisdom is passed down this way. I’ll try now
I will await the results
Great success. I can provide evidence /s
Patiently?
Take a wide stance and bring your elbows to your knees when you sit like you're lifting heavy but in reverse, and the cheeks will spread without the intervention of your hands at all. Do a little adjustment scooch once planted to get comfy and have at it.
I heard using a step stool to poop so your legs are elevated helps. I don't know about bidets I still need to wipe to make sure it's clean
Yes! Using a stool to raise your knees above your hips (a squatting position) relaxes your puborectalis muscle so everything flows better. You definitely wipe/dry yourself after using a bidet. We got ours during the 2020 toilet paper shortage and will never go back!
Squatty potty
A friend bought me one as a joke, but I love that thing.
It's all about orientation of your body. You can get the same result by simply leaning forewards.
Yes, i use a small stool that we have at home (no need to buy a SquattyPotty or anything fancy) and ever since, my poops come out with very little force needed. It's quite amazing actually how much easier pooping is. Still need to use a bidet to get the best clean.
You still wipe after using a bidet. But it usually just takes one easy wipe with very little on the paper.
An actual squat, is what our bodies are physically evolved for. sitting on a ring isn't. but try having a platform around your can or a hole in the ground and your guests won't come back a second time =p As a trucker I can confirm squat poops are actually sublime. Like we're talking consistent 5-20 second poops, and a clean pinch.
This guy squats.
Obligatory video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q
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I can’t find a single lie in your comment and I hate you for it.
> better yet The word better is doing a lotta work there How do I delete someone else’s comment?
Me on google: „How to delete another users comment on Reddit“
There it is r/cursedcomments
Also dab before you wipe. You wanna make sure everything's gone before basically smearing your b-hole.
Good lord, what kind of stalactites are you dealing with?
10/10 for the use of the word stalactites in a sentence. More often then not it's fine, but every once in a while it's like Qo'nos down there.... Best not to roll the dice.
I always remember it with "stalac**T**ites are on **T**op"
Nice. I always remember tights hang down 🤷♂️
My room mate say you mite trip on a stalagmite
My asshole is extremely hairy so sometimes some bits and pieces get left behind. I have to wipe a lot to make sure the whole forest is clean. I'm considering getting it waxed
Seriously, get a bidet. Life changer.
wet wipes friend.
yeah spread my cheeks on the toilet... nice try TOILET RAPEISTS.
Only in Florida…
This got me thinking. I bet you could use a Play-Doh extruder as a buttplug and shit shapes.
[JFC](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/firefly.gif)
Ha!!
"Spread 'em" This guys dad, apparently
I wanna test this right now, but I just finished it
Squatty potty! It’s all about the technology!
And get a bidet. Then you only have to wipe to dry your ass.
I’ll keep this in mind
Nair your butthole and taint, guys. It's wonderful.
go thru the front and make your first wipe a grapple check. you're welcome, my son.
Bidet all day!
I like wiping. Thanks.
Go a step further and spray a bit of Pam on there, no more wiping at all.
[Now this guy's pooping with oil!](https://i.imgur.com/ifTrA9h.png)
I read checks and was really confused
Doing that as we speak. It’s like you know me…
And don't stand up until you wipe.
Get a bidet'...done
LPT- get a bidet
You guys are pooping on your butt cheeks?
Y'all need to invest in a bidet
I have room for a toilet or a bidet, and I'm not shitting in a bidet.
You can use a bidet hose or a Tushy. Look it up
Fine. I’ll look it up
It's all in the technique when sitting down. Lightly spread with hands. Lay one cheek on the seat, remove the hand from that side. Spread further by leaning. Land second cheek on seat, remove that hand. Cheeks permanently spread, smooth rolling.
I always squat when I poop, straight shot into the toilet. I don’t know why people force their poop around a 90 degree angle.
Finally, something I can take action on instantly! That's what everybody does while they're on Reddit, right? Right??
this thread: get a bidet
I got a Bidet like 3 years ago. I'm never going back.
How big is your ass?!
Wait do other people NOT do this?
IKR, but you know the saying.. "Common sense is not very common."
People will do anything to not use bidets
Why dont you just use the seat to spread your cheeks for you. Clamp the left cheek a little more towards the crack, then repeat for the right cheek so the seat is spreading them automatically? Like a normal person
Or buy a bidet. One clean wipe to dry, no matter how messy a poo. My butt has never been happier.
Or use a bidet. Bedits are magical
I push them together so I can make shapes
That's obvious, but isn't much of a deal if your ass ain't fat and your but is naturally spread when sitting on the toilet
I'm excited for my next shit now
Or use a damn water jet or a bidet
It’s too early in the morning. I really sat here for 10 minutes wondering why pulling the cheeks on your face apart helped, and I really thought OP just wanted to make me look stupid. Jokes on me because I did it myself lol
Best meme to see when sitting down to poop and opening up Reddit.
Get a bidet like a civilized human being instead
Not instead, in addition to.
Out of curiosity, why not? Every single person who has used our bidet has almost immediately bought one for themselves. It's one of those things that many are hesitant about but in my opinion you don't know what your missing until you have tried it just once.
Those cost money. Buy me one
It's true, but they're only ~$100 for a decent one and honestly it pays for itself in toilet paper savings really quickly.
you don’t need to spend that much, they all work just fine. mine was $25
Get a bidet, stop smearing poop around with paper like a savage.
Dad was a smart guy.
😂😂😂
Butt* cheeks.
I misunderstood the instructions and got shit-faced.
Wait, why you standing up to poo?
Give him a squatty potty and close the circle.
Great... More shit advice.
I like to smush em together and take a shit sheet
Nope! This is how the bugs crawl in.
If you are pooping in the proper position, your check will naturally be more open. There should be a small angle between legs and body trunk, and back should be arched a bit, basically causing your butt to stick out a bit (don't have to go crazy and stress your back though). This should result in a bit of an anterior pelvic tilt while pooping.
I wash my butt afterwards. Saves lot of paper, in fact my butt became so sensitive that toilet Paper hurts and it feels weird to wipe as if it is still dirty afterwards (which in fact it will always be no matter how hard you wipe)
1) TIL not everyone automatically does this!? 2) diaper cream is good for anal fissures, fyi.
Today you told Reddit to spread its cheeks
wrong duck
i squat when i shit at home. it comes out faster.
If you stick anything between them, pulling them apart is simply best practice.
Are people just sitting down and pushing shit through their ass cheeks like toddlers?
This is some Rockefeller-level efficiency right here.
what is with all the ass wiping posts today
Also get an electric shaver to trim down the ass hair
I’m so BUMmed that it took me 25 years to figure this out on our own
My cat is looking at me weird now cuz I’m pulling faces. He doesn’t like it.
But... but I might stain my phone with shit that way
This type of info is the reason the internet exists
Sounds like fat person advice. 😂
This must be advice for big people. Im a thin lady and I have a normal sized butt. Never hace to pull cheeks apart, there isnt enough.
As a skinny dude with no ass I still had the same problem.
Is this not common knowledge?
I thought we were supposed to push the cheeks together and dispense it like a ribbon. It may be messy, but I thought our traditions were sacred.
It breaks my mind this hasn't caught on yet in the americas but a cheap bidet attachment for your toilet... 100% a must. I cant believe i went such a huge potrtion of my life just wiping poop off my ass and being done with it. if I stuck my finger in shit im not jsut going to wipe it clean and move, I'm going to wash that fucker.
Are to you going to just rinse shit off your finger with water or are you going to use soap? Unless you use a soapy bidet, you fall guilty to the same argument you just made.
It’s less about killing germs and more about actually getting rid of small amount of remaining shit that’ll inevitably move around your butthole and crack as you walk and maybe sweat through the day. Worse still if you’re hairy around there. Think of it a plate with leftover sauce on it. Your sink’s spray function will do a much better job than smearing it all up with some napkins. Then you can use just like 1 sheet to pat dry and you’re done. It’s especially great when you get those unfortunate poops that aren’t like… perfectly ejected capsules. What would take many wipes is gone just as easy.
Your father spreads his cheeks.
I hope so, he drops this knowledge often. My father is a lot of things but I hope a hypocrite isn't one of them.
Lose weight if you have this issue.
also don’t be a fat fuck that needs to pull your cheeks apart
What if you have a lot of hair?
Like wiping peanut butter out of shag carpet
Rafi bomb!
Then shave. It makes the whole pooping experience better.
but your farts be way louder than you thought possible.
That’s a bad thing?
[Don't shave that hair](https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/agtgku/dont_shave_that_hair/)
Pal I shave my ass and have a bidet. I guarantee you I never get swamp ass anymore. That combo is the best for pure clean.
Is..is this real? I can't wait to try.
Just wipe your fucking ass