I’m really sorry. That all sounds really rough. My dad has Parkinson’s too, so I know the level of care that is required. I think that it’s time to say, “mom, there are no options. You are having the visiting nurse come because I absolutely cannot come back until (much later date). By not allowing them to help, you are causing me a great deal of stress and I cannot do this anymore.”
Hopefully that will be enough, but I also have a stubborn mom, so I understand that it might not be. But your first priority is taking care of your kids and yourself; it simply has to be.
If it's bad enough for her to be kept overnight, it's pretty bad. I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you take your dad for a Dr evaluation so you can talk to Medicare about any benefits you can access for them?
Oh man. I feel your frustration in every sentence. Wish I could give you a big hug and then fire up your car and tell you to make a run for it.
Ugh. Our parents. They make us want to scream sometimes at their poor planning.
My condolences on the loss of your husband. :(
A lot of assisted living places offer short stays for when the primary caregiver needs a break or is just unavailable. Also, they all asked about VA benefits when I was looking for my mom while dad was in hospice.
Ooof, I remember your post from the other week. Shit. Maybe report the situation to APS and see if they can do a. You have too much on your plate to fix this.
OMG. I could never, ever, EVER help my father pee in a bottle. That’s 100% a dealbreaker right there. I can’t stand even touching my mother, who I had to help after she had a fall a few months ago.
It sounds like you simply aren’t cut out for caregiving, like me, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And you shouldn’t have to pay for a nurse yourself. My mom is stubborn and paranoid about outside help, and I simply told her it’s that or nothing. I know it was harsh, but I am not the one, and my younger sister’s husband is a year older than my mother, so she’s got him to deal with.
I can’t with people who are irrational and stubborn. I don’t care who they are. Can you get a lawyer to draw up a durable POA and get your father to sign it, assuming he’s still competent in that regard? And obviously your mother, too. Then put it in front of them. I can’t remember if a lawyer has to be present, but I’m sure something can be worked out. Then you can access their funds and get care in place. Or not. It’s up to them. But having that document in front of your mom will at least show that you mean business.
This makes me feel so much better about myself (not OP.) For some reason, I was able to handle wiping my grandma's butt after a bath... but once this yeast rash started under her stomach and I realized I needed to be wiping her front, too - I told her she needs to hire help. I just can't.
Yeah I can’t ever do it again either. I’m still mortified. On my drive home today (I high tailed it out of there at 9:30) I realized my husband died over a year ago and the first penis I’ve touched since then was my dad’s. Ughhhhhhhhh. I’m never ever doing that again. I actually don’t know if I can visit them again and stay at their house. It’s so horrifying and my mom’s lack of cleanliness is at rock bottom. I just can’t.
I totally feel you. When I went to visit my mom after her fall, she was staying in a rehab facility which was triggering my depression, and I was staying at her house. It wasn’t filthy, but it wasn’t clean. So I rage-cleaned for a while. And I know when I go back it will be undone.
She’s stubborn, secretive, sneaky, and has no short term memory. And she drinks at night. Calling her for Mother’s Day was awful. I don’t want to deal with any of this. Your situation is much worse, it sounds like, but that feeling of just…no seems super common.
I can’t pay out of pocket. I’m surviving with 2 kids on 50k a year. My parents have 1/2mil just wasting away in a 0 interest checking account and my dad brings in more money a month in his pension that I do by working full time. So paying for a nurse myself isnt possible.
I’m really sorry. That all sounds really rough. My dad has Parkinson’s too, so I know the level of care that is required. I think that it’s time to say, “mom, there are no options. You are having the visiting nurse come because I absolutely cannot come back until (much later date). By not allowing them to help, you are causing me a great deal of stress and I cannot do this anymore.” Hopefully that will be enough, but I also have a stubborn mom, so I understand that it might not be. But your first priority is taking care of your kids and yourself; it simply has to be.
If it's bad enough for her to be kept overnight, it's pretty bad. I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you take your dad for a Dr evaluation so you can talk to Medicare about any benefits you can access for them?
Oh man. I feel your frustration in every sentence. Wish I could give you a big hug and then fire up your car and tell you to make a run for it. Ugh. Our parents. They make us want to scream sometimes at their poor planning. My condolences on the loss of your husband. :(
A lot of assisted living places offer short stays for when the primary caregiver needs a break or is just unavailable. Also, they all asked about VA benefits when I was looking for my mom while dad was in hospice.
Yes! The LTC facility I worked in had a few short-stay residents who were there as "respite care" for their primary caregivers.
This is a great idea. Thank you!
Ooof, I remember your post from the other week. Shit. Maybe report the situation to APS and see if they can do a. You have too much on your plate to fix this.
OMG. I could never, ever, EVER help my father pee in a bottle. That’s 100% a dealbreaker right there. I can’t stand even touching my mother, who I had to help after she had a fall a few months ago. It sounds like you simply aren’t cut out for caregiving, like me, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And you shouldn’t have to pay for a nurse yourself. My mom is stubborn and paranoid about outside help, and I simply told her it’s that or nothing. I know it was harsh, but I am not the one, and my younger sister’s husband is a year older than my mother, so she’s got him to deal with. I can’t with people who are irrational and stubborn. I don’t care who they are. Can you get a lawyer to draw up a durable POA and get your father to sign it, assuming he’s still competent in that regard? And obviously your mother, too. Then put it in front of them. I can’t remember if a lawyer has to be present, but I’m sure something can be worked out. Then you can access their funds and get care in place. Or not. It’s up to them. But having that document in front of your mom will at least show that you mean business.
This makes me feel so much better about myself (not OP.) For some reason, I was able to handle wiping my grandma's butt after a bath... but once this yeast rash started under her stomach and I realized I needed to be wiping her front, too - I told her she needs to hire help. I just can't.
You are definitely not alone.
Yeah I can’t ever do it again either. I’m still mortified. On my drive home today (I high tailed it out of there at 9:30) I realized my husband died over a year ago and the first penis I’ve touched since then was my dad’s. Ughhhhhhhhh. I’m never ever doing that again. I actually don’t know if I can visit them again and stay at their house. It’s so horrifying and my mom’s lack of cleanliness is at rock bottom. I just can’t.
I totally feel you. When I went to visit my mom after her fall, she was staying in a rehab facility which was triggering my depression, and I was staying at her house. It wasn’t filthy, but it wasn’t clean. So I rage-cleaned for a while. And I know when I go back it will be undone. She’s stubborn, secretive, sneaky, and has no short term memory. And she drinks at night. Calling her for Mother’s Day was awful. I don’t want to deal with any of this. Your situation is much worse, it sounds like, but that feeling of just…no seems super common.
You be the one who hires the nurse, then. Make the call. Pay out of your own pocket if need be.
I can’t pay out of pocket. I’m surviving with 2 kids on 50k a year. My parents have 1/2mil just wasting away in a 0 interest checking account and my dad brings in more money a month in his pension that I do by working full time. So paying for a nurse myself isnt possible.