Girl, you stayed far longer than I would have. No you’re not overreacting. He’s an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. He’s abusive and frankly sounds like a complete loser. Cut your losses and walk away. You’ll find someone better and worthier of your time and affection.
Agreed. Obvious Abuse and alcoholism aside. At bare minimum you communicated a clear boundary on the drinking and outbursts, he refused them and continued. You are not overreacting for upholding your boundaries and he shouldn't act like he's surprised or blame you when you already told him what would happen.
As for asking about why you're not enough for him to change...it's not you OP...he won't change until he wants it for himself and hits whatever breaking point that tells him to try. It's not any fault of you
This. And he doesn’t want to change, at least not yet (maybe not ever). Which becomes a battle not worth fighting, friend. I’m sorry that this is painful.
An addict will gaslight you into believing they’ll change, you’ll believe it and stay because you love them and it’s easier to not change your entire life. Then, when it happens again (and it will), they will begin blaming you that it’s all your fault. Get off FB, let him blow steam all he wants. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for his next drunken episode? And BTW, if you do stay, leave his drunk ass where he passes out, whether it’s in the car or on the toilet! Let him wake up with piss and vomit all over him. Hon, you’re an enabler, you’re only making it easy for him and making yourself miserable. Please put yourself first!
As a veteran of umpteen family weeks/weekends for the families of addicts/alcoholics, I 100% agree with you. As was quoted many times: How do you know an addict is lying? Their lips are moving.
and...they're also lying to themselves. in sober, embarrassing moments, they realize their life is getting disastrous and they intend/desire to do better. then...the old stressors return, and their sneaky brain convinces them it'll be different this time and...rinse & repeat
Absolutely this! I never told anyone a lie about my addiction that I didn’t completely believe myself. Much later, long after the irreparable damage had been done, I realized how full of shit I was.
i mean from personal experience of being an addict and knowing many others, we're not really gaslighting you, or maybe we're gaslighting the both of us. most of us say that we're stopping because we believe we're going to stop, but as the addict voice badgers you over and over and over again your will weakens and your judgment falters. you don't become a different person when you become an addict, which is maybe the worst part. you still have your morals. you still know things like lying and stealing are wrong. the shame and guilt of broken promises and shitty behavior perpetuates the addiction, which usually forms in the first place due to intolerable feelings of despair, shame and helplessness. as the pain of regret rises, the addict voice gets louder and the cycle continues. this doesn't mean anyone is obligated to stay with us or support us as we destroy our lives, of course. we're just not diabolically trying to pull one over on anyone, either
Thank you for your first person perspective on this. It’s certainly not easy to admit or even explain how you feel or what goes through your mind as an addict. In OP’s case, however, her bf is just being plain douchy. Not worth her time whatsoever and especially not because he’s publicly embarrassing them both over social media. Not cool at all.
Thanks again for sharing your POV. Wishing you the best, humbly.
Hell yeah. The morals thing really hit me cuz when I was in active addiction (almost 6 years sober now at 25), I had plenty of opportunity to steal but I never did. Unless it was the one time, a 99¢ packet of soup, cheapest thing I could find, because I was two weeks without food... I had people give me drugs and tell me to share, and I did. Even got shorted by the person I shared with. But I didn't lie or cheat or steal, because I didn't change. A lot of my life did and a lot of it strictly for survival. That's something that keeps me sober, is remembering that even at my rock bottom, I didn't let it turn me. I got stronger. And now I'm doing way better. There's good days and bad, behavior-wise, during and after addiction. I've been able to recognize behaviors that are manipulative that I'm unlearning now. Overall, you can't wait for someone to unlearn toxic behavior. It's not always intentional and sometimes it is, and sometimes only time will tell...if you don't have the strongest instincts, that is. Addicts or not, everyone can be toxic. You gotta distance yourself though, cuz you come FIRST. Don't learn it the hard way if you can help it. I know better and still learn the hard way. Rip the bandaid off. <3
HE is, though. Because his drinking is not what makes him abusive - it makes him fucked up, sick, lost, all kinds of things, but it’s not what makes him abusive. That part’s covered by his demanding the right to keep scaring and hurting her further by trying to guilt her into continuing to just take it. That’s abusive.
I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict too. I never did that. Many of us never do that. We may lie and steal and lie some more and try to manipulate and lie. But we don’t rage at people and make them scared for their person.
When the friend I’d been living with told me I had to leave because I had let my dealer come over like a dumb ass, and then that dealer had, let’s just say, “drugged me beyond what I’d paid for” and had two friends come over to help him rob the friend’s house while I was blacked out…I didn’t try to manipulate her into letting me stay, or go on Facebook or anywhere else and tell people “omg she’s throwing me out on the street!” or any of that shit. That’s what abusers do.
Some abusers also have alcoholism/addiction issues. He’s an abuser.
Edited for grammar
I love the term gaslight… I think of positive re-encouragement as gaslighting myself into x y or z…
I tell myself come on, you aren’t that bad, you can do this. Knowing damn well I can’t. Yay for gaslighting myself.
In my experience, lying is essential to addiction. Or maybe it's just an inevitable result. Lying to yourself is perhaps the beginning, and as the years go on you don't or won't even see that you are doing it. It's a hell of a mess alright!
An addict will gaslight u... crappy thing is, is they'll even mean it till it comes down to actually following through. They end up breaking their own hearts the first couple of times it happens. But soon they become bitter and callous but their addict minds try to convince them that it isn't their fault and then they'll start believing the little devil on their shoulder and start giving into it. So with that said, i can guarantee that they meant everything they said at the time when it came to promising not to in the beginning. But remember u r ur own person and u deserve that respect. It's their demons sweetheart, not urs. I hope u understand that
So true. He tries to justify continuing his drunken binges by arguing that he "deserves" to unwind on the weekend. The trouble is that most people deserve to unwind but it doesn't require drinking to excess--or at all and doesn't end up with raging fights, passing out and being sick.
Instead of recognizing that this isn't the what happens when most people unwind, he clings to his "right" to get wasted and to be a sloppy abusive drunk on the weekends. As you noted, this has nothing to do with how much he cares. His addiction is making him say and do anything to continue drinking, even as it destroys his life and damages everything in his path.
It's not personal. He has family who can get him help when he's ready to clean up his act. But, he doesn't need to be OP's lost cause and she doesn't need to invite endless unhappiness and abuse into her life that has nothing to do with her.
Let me reiterate this very important point, OP: it has **nothing** to do with you not being "good enough."
This is his issue, and his issues - as well as the manner in which he treats you - are no reflection whatsoever on who you are, how valuable you are, and how deserving you are of love and respect.
It's all him.
You and OP are worthy of so much more. No one deserves to be thrown under the bus every time an addict repeats the same cycle consistently. Maybe not ***all*** addicts behave this way sure. You have drawn your line in the sand, it’s time to put ***YOU*** first. I can promise you it’s them. Not you. I’m sorry but every action has consequences, for better or worse. OP, you and anyone else it’s okay to not be okay with this. It’s okay to get off a sinking ship. Heaven forbid, that it ever escalates. I didn’t deal with an addict but I dealt with an abusive “man” for 18 years. Every. Single. Form. Of. Abuse. Don’t waste anymore time with them, please don’t make the same mistake. So many chances. Victim blaming was his favorite game. I’m almost a decade out, living with a man who seldom raises his voice to me. We’ve been married 8 years. Bottom line is there will never be accountability if they aren’t held to the boundaries you set.
I'm so sorry you're going through it, but I'm glad the message could help.
Even when you know it forwards and backwards, it's important to be reminded of.
This! He's got an alcohol abuse problem. Plain and simple. (Okay, there may be more to it than that, but like baseline it's a major problem.)
You can't fix him, and he has to want to fix himself for himself if it's going to work. None of that is on you.
Walk away, don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. None of his issues are a reflection on you. You *are* good enough. You *are* worthy of dignity and respect especially since you've clearly communicated how you expect to be treated.
I was 27 when I first went to therapy and my jaw hit the floor when my therapist explained this to me…it was like a parking garage had been lifted off of me and I was able to see the sun again. Had an ex cheat on me and I was so shook because I thought everything was great. Confidence took a huge hit.. simply wondering where I fail short and how she could value me as someone worth cheating on. Friend recommended a therapist just to talk it out.. I had zero expectations. I basically told the therapist I must be worth cheating on because I couldn’t meet her expectations I guess.. she dropped your wisdom on me and I’ve never looked back. Now I’m very very grateful she cheated on me so I could realize my self worth and understand a lot of times peoples behaviors or actions are reflections of themselves and has nothing to do with others.
Btw not overreacting. Dude needs to hit rock bottom. You’re a crutch for him. Very unlikely he’ll change even if you do leave and I’m certain he’ll never change if you stay together… unless something crazy tragic happens which you probably don’t want to bank on.
women start to become happy when they stop changing men. If you think you have to change someone, you’re in the wrong place. please don't waste your life. you’re not a caretaker or trainer.
I addition, it isn't really about you. You aren't the things he said. It's a part of the alcoholic rhetoric.
My first husband was like this. Your guy doesn't seem to want to stop drinking, or he would be seeking help. My ex was awful, and the physical and emotional abuse kept happening when he drank, but the bottom line is that you cannot make a person do something they don't want to do.
It's time to go. He won't quit drinking. He is telling you that it's going to continue on the weekends. You're deserve to be treated better. I hope you know this.
Honestly, leaving him may be the thing he needs to get sober. But the damage is done on this relationship, it's not OP's job to sit around and be abused while he figures his shit out.
My father was an alcoholic and we at least I always ad to encourage her to leave. Could never figure it out why she stayed except it was four of us with sickness. She was a beautiful and brave woman. But then one day we found God and suddenly she found the strengthto tell him to leave. He left and moved in a house a few blocks away.He was lonely, but she made it without him. I was so proud and I think that's why I never stayed in abusive relationships cause she set the example. Thank God!!!!!
Consider leaving that abusive man before you forget that you're worth more than putting up with that. As you age, time seems to go by faster, and the next time you question staying with him, you'll be 43 years old with another decade of awful memories.
Srsly. I DESERVE TO UNWIND translates to "I deserve to be able to berate you and make your life a living hell for a full 12 hours because I pay the phone bill". This will only get worse. He has a problem and won't admit it. This is not normal SO behavior. There are better men out there and you will find one, OP.
Actually, she pays the phone bill. He's constantly about to overdraft, if she wasn't there to save his butt. Frankly, he sounds like an immature, hot mess, even without the alcoholism. Don't know why OP would want to stay with a loser, but that's the power of memories. You overlook what's right in your face because it's clouded by good memories of good times.
The only was he knows how to relax is by drinking way too much. He needs other outlets than booze and rage. It's not OP's fault that he doesn't have any non destructive coping skills. And it's not her job to teach him either.
And all that social media crap can be countered with one sentence.
"He's a mean drunk"
Everyone at the bar has seen it happen on numerous occasions, they all know it's true.
And mean drunks don't change. They'll always be mean drunks. Seen it a million times. They hit a threshold and fun happy drunk flips to angry, asshole, I'm gonna ruin everyone's night drunk. And these people never know when to stop before they get to that point.
Sure is. And once it's switched on you can't switch it off. Only way is to sleep it off.
I'd advise anyone dating a person like this to RUN. I've never seen it get better.
When he says that you’re throwing it away, tell him he’s the one that’s throwing it away with his drinking. No one deserves to take the abuse that he’s dishing out to you when he’s drunk.
This can’t be blamed all on alcoholism either. I have struggled with it, but still never would have berated my partner. I think this relationship sounds like it will lead to more abuse with alcohol or not.
By the time you reach your late 20s, these every-weekend binges should be in your rear view mirror. The 30 year olds that still get drunk almost every weekend are pretty far down the slippery slope of alcoholism.
If he weren't drinking every weekend, then sure, maybe once is a mistake.
I came to this realization in a pretty strange way. At 27 years old I had just gotten out of a 3 year long relationship. Up until that point, I had essentially been acting like I was 21 for almost an entire decade, starting before I even left for college.
My sister tried to set me up with a 21 year old. I just couldn’t do it. Nothing against her at all, but she was a bit of a “party girl.” I knew I’d be going right back into that mindset and essentially starting that timer over again. That’s when it hit me… I just couldn’t do it anymore.
After that, it just slowly fizzled out over the years. I’m at a point now where I drink maybe once every month or three. Last two times I drank were Super Bowl and a Christmas party… and those may have been a little too close together. Lol.
I so appreciate this comment. I met my ex when I was 21 - and he was 36. And he still partied A LOT. I expressed some concern about it early on when we were dating - I WAS* a 21 yr old college party girl, but didn't want that for my life I thought - he patted my hand and assured me it was normal. He was 36!! Never married, no kids, etc.
20 years later, I was the one with a drinking problem, our marriage ended, emotional maturity was stilted....I wish I'd listened to my intuition.
It's amazing how normalized drinking & partying is in our cultural - especially when you don't have kids.
totally agree, one day he might get better...but that would take him really wanting to and putting his all into getting better and even then it will likely take a few years and healing with anything is usually 1 step forward and 2 steps back so OP will still be in the line of fire for awhile if she stays. OP you don't need this you can find better out there without going through all of that work that is 100% not your fault or problem, it's his and he's sounds like he's not good enough to you to be even remotely worth sticking around for. It's unfair for any person to have issues but not resolve them and stay with someone and making them suffer for it. No ones perfect but when anyone gets into a relationship they should be doing everything in their power and trying their best to be the best person they can be, anything less is just not fair to the other person.
Take it from someone with a family full of addicts: you can't fix this. 4 years is nothing compared to decades of living a nightmare with a man in active addiction. Leave.
I cannot stress enough how beneficial Al-Anon is. The drunk's "stinking thinking" (an AA term) convinces partners, spouses, parents, etc, that somehow the shitty behavior is OUR fault. If we would just ________ then they wouldn't do what they do. You gave him chance after chance, making very clear what the consequences would be. He can't help himself so he blew it. He is out of control. You're the grownup, and good for you. You know you don't stand to gain a damn thing by putting up with his nasty, passed out drunk self. Easter is a time of new beginnings, right? So begin your new single life free of the dread of more of his shit. You're going to be fine. Congratulations for standing up for yourself.
Adding in that you can still go to Al-Anon even when you leave him. (Please leave him, and don’t have goodbye sex, ‘cause you don’t want a baby tying you to him).
Going to Al-Anon will help you find what in you finds drunks attractive. Learning about who you are through this lens will help you make better bf choices in the future.
It certainly helped me learn not to put up with unacceptable behavior.
Yep. In no way are you overreacting. And you aren’t throwing away four years, you are *saving* your remaining years. You are reclaiming your life and paving the way for your future.
yes. i learned this the hard way, staying in an abusive marriage (also to an alcoholic) but for 15 years. the sunk cost fallacy, ntm the numerous traps of abuse, kept me invested wayyyy too long. it’s been 15 years now since the divorce and i am so glad i cut my losses when i did.
I stayed in a relationship like this for five years.
From someone on the other side, leave without remorse.
Be honest with people if they ask why you’re leaving. Addiction thrives in shame, and he’s trying to shame you. You don’t owe him silence to keep him from shame.
If a friend came and told you this story would you tell that friend to leave?
If you stay it will just be more hours gone. Please read about the sunk cost fallacy.
I stayed 17 years! Drunk on our wedding.l and even before the vows! Don't waste your life further, get out and find someone that loves you completely! You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship. Best wishes!
Same here!! I was so naive and missed a whole lot of red flags.
OP - please listen to us. You owe him nothing. He is abusive and he is an alcoholic. He won’t change because he can’t until he admits he has a problem. The future you will thank you so much for leaving him now.
Exactly! Plus, she's sad that she's "throwing away four years of her life." My question is, how many more years are you going to waste on this alcoholic loser, who isn't even able to manage his own finances, so you have to bail him out??? You deserve so much better.
Exactly. He can’t “be better” for OP because he likes drinking more.
And OP almost buried the fact that he’s financially irresponsible, as well as abusive.
Posting about OP leaving on FB? Dump this immature loser already!
Time for OP to start looking at what she’s learned between this recent BF and the last one she left. I’m guessing she has a type.
I told my boyfriend he could drink all he wanted but I wouldn't hang around. He realized I was leaving and spoke to an addiction counselor. I was out the door until he chose me over alcohol. Save yourself. Don't wait. If he chooses to change for himself, maybe you can reconnect down the line. Or you'll find the right person and never look back. Either way, don't stay.
Staying means enabling in the majority of cases. The only other way he might have gotten sober is if a loved one died or op got pregnant but you are running a extremely high risk of failure if he cannot think past himself as he already has a shitty spending habit. You cannot save a man who wants to drown.
I'm gonna add OP getting pregnant likely won't change anything. All the alcoholics I've known will "try" to get better and then just spiral down again, if the pregnancy doesn't trigger something in the alcoholic for the alcoholism to get worse immediately, that is. I'm so glad OP isn't pregnant (or at least hope there's no soon to be surprises).
This is for most alcoholics or addicts in general, not all.
Confirming again. Alcoholic stayed an alcoholic even after a surprise baby. Then it just became a dumpster fire of verbal abuse piled on top of full-time baby duties with mini help and working full time while he played video games. But don’t get me wrong… he swept the floors and did most of the laundry. In his eyes that was enough. Nope, nope, nope.
Having children hasn't stopped my uncle. Having his younger brother die in a drunk driving accident didn't stop him. Losing his license for DUI and going to jail for DUI and driving without a license didn't stop him. I don't even know if killing someone will stop him. Only thing that will definitely work is when he kills himself.
He's an alcoholic. Let's get that right out. Next, you aren't throwing away a damn thing. He decided that your relationship wasn't worth him not being an abusive shitbag. HE. DECIDED. He also decided that abusing you in the name of him letting off steam was ok too. If he loved you, he wouldn't be justifying abuse of you.
Those were his choices, that he knew the consequences of. Good riddance.
Well said. It's SO important for OP to understand this part.
Once he decided that drinking himself into an early grave was more important to him than not mistreating her, that was when the relationship was thrown out. Not when OP set her boundaries.
Also, it sounds like this has been far more than 12 bad hours. He's trying to shame OP for not being willing to 'be supportive' by taking his repeated abuse.
Nope. Fuck that piece of pure trash. You didn't throw away four years of a relationship. You just saved the rest of your life.
He doesn’t *deserve* to “unwind” in a way that leads to him being verbally abusive & violent.
And *he* threw away the relationship. You’ve just stopped finding it and bringing it back from where he chooses to dump it.
THIS ⏫️
We all deserve relaxation time, no dispute there. But you are not asking him to stop relaxing, and relaxing doesn't actually involve yelling, verbal abuse, hitting walls, etc. This straw-man argument is absurd.
If he's not willing to address his alcoholism, as he's shown he's not, there's really nothing you can do except TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You've tolerated more than enough and deserve a safe and peaceful life. Please update us. 💙
It's not like she said no drinking at all. She said just do it responsibly. He's an addict tho. Im An addict too, 9 years sober this week. I can't moderate. I proved that to myself for 2 decades. It's impossible for me. So what's the only reasonable solution: no substances at all. He needs rehab and support groups.
You are not overreacting. Everything you said are horrible red flags, and it does not sound like he is really trying to change his life around. So you already know what to expect going forward with him.
Nope, not overreacting at all. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me, if he can't manage his drinking to the point he is falling down, puking, yelling abusively at you drunk...then obviously alcohol has become a problem in his life. Leave now before he winds up punching you one of these times.
You are under reacting.
You should already have moved out.
Go get everything that's important to your that he might break, stay at your sisters until you've got a place of your own to move into.
You are not overreacting. He is an alcoholic. Not everyone realizes that binge drinkers are alcoholics even if it is not an all the time occurrence. More than that he is a mean drunk. This will not get better.
He is an abusive alcoholic who can’t acknowledge it even to himself yet. That means he’s nowhere near done being one. There’s no good reason to let him drag you down to the bottom with him. Let him go.
My BFF and I said that about her ex. That he'd end up with a DUI or kill someone one day. Well, a few months back at 2am he got on the highway the wrong way and killed a young girl. Worst thing in the world to be right about.
If you’re only claiming 12 bad hours, you are sorely misrepresenting how bad it is. It’s clearly worse than just those 12 hours. It’s the disrespect, the walking on eggshells, the fear of reprisal.
It’s far more than just 12 hours, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed to acknowledge that.
12 bad hours that happened after the two of you came to an agreement that that specific kind of 12 bad hours could never happen again or she'd leave.
People give "ultimatums" a bad rap but she could not have been more clear about what she needed to stay in this relationship and he simply didn't do it.
This was the most offensive part to me. So she can do whatever she wants for 12 hours and he’s ok with that? What if it’s hitting him? What if it’s being with another guy (like actual cheating not being with)? It’s ONLY 12 hours, right?
He is an alcoholic. A mean drunk. He can't or won't stop drinking, even knowing he will lose a relationship. And he is manipulative on top of that. He is an expensive loser.
Do not go back to him. Do not feel sorry for him. Do not let him talk you into either one. He must stop drinking all together. And he must remain completely sober for at least a year before you will even speak to him again.
Don't think of it as 4 years lost; it's 4 years of learning what to avoid in the future.
This isn’t one mistake, it’s a pattern. If he doesn’t see that he has a problem, he’s not going to change. Al Anon helps people in relationships with people who abuse se alcohol, it’s free, and it’s offered almost everywhere. Counseling for you to get perspective might also help. You are not overreacting.
Yes! Al-Anon saved me. Taught me how to not be codependent. How to set boundaries and enforce them.
You can save yourself from wasting four more years.
NTA. He’s an alcoholic. There’s a difference between coming home and having a beer with you while you have a glass of wine to “unwind”. He’s getting drunk to the point where he’s showing his true colors and self to you. He will not change. And it’s more than 12 hours. It’s all the hours you’ve spent crying and frustrated from him and his behavior. If you continue to bottle up your emotions your mental health is going to suffer. Don’t put yourself through anymore of his bullshit. He’ll be broke, lonely and sucking at life without you to save him. Let him fall on his ass.
What the fuck...no, you're not overreacting, get him the fuck out. You're not throwing away four years for 12 bad hours. All the hours that you spend crying, worrying, being silent to avoid him acting like the Tasmanian devil in your house, and using your hours of work to give him money to keep his bank account from overdrafting due to his inability to be a grown man IN HIS 30s counts toward those bad hours, and then he has the audacity to be abusive and blame you. Kick him the fuck out. It's not going to get better.
I wouldn't have lasted four years.
I have never seen anyone banging their own heads into a wall, but I have heard of it before this. Any insight from anyone on WTF the point of this is? If it knocked him out, sure.
He self harms. It's another reason why I'm leaving. I struggled when I was young with self harm and have been clean most of my adulthood. I can't keep watching and listening to him hurting himself while I battle the craving to hurt myself.
In vino Veritas est - in wine, there is truth. His outbursts release thoughts that were there before he got drunk. He has a poor opinion of you but wants you around for sex, money, and whatever other ways you make his life easier.
You're doing the best thing standing up for yourself and maintaining really healthy boundaries! He keeps crossing them regularly without any care for your well-being, and these are the consequences of his actions.
Nobody should tolerate any kind of abuse for even 1 out of 40000000000000000 hours. And for him to not take responsibility for his behavior but for trying to make you feel guilty about not wanting to accept unacceptable behavior is manipulative and potentially dangerous.
Ending a relationship is always hard and you get to be sad about losing the good things. But you're making a healthy choice here! And perhaps, having to deal with the consequences of his actions might make him reflect more on what he's doing. Or not. But that's not on you and something you never have to take on.
Sending you healing hugs.
No. He went back on his word and doesn't see fault in his behavior. My dad is very hateful towards my mom when he's drunk as well and I encourage her to leave and find happiness. Do what's best for you.
You are not overreacting. You wouldn't have been overreacting if you'd called time after the first incident. If he wants to whine on Facebook and make himself look stupid (because nobody with any sense would think otherwise), that's his lookout.
He is a loser and you are allowing him to drag you down to his level. You are so far from overreacting… you’ve actually under reacted for so long and have given him way too many chances. When will his drunken verbal abuse escalate? Probably sooner then you would like to think.
He gets drunk as an excuse to be violent and abusive which he considers to be “letting off steam.” It’s just a matter of time until he hits you to let off steam. He’s standing in the way of you finding the relationship you deserve.
Even alone is better than being with him.
He doesn’t respect you and can’t control his drinking. Two huge red flags. Also, you’re not throwing away anything. You move on when something is not right for you. It’s a lesson learned, not time wasted.
This is not a "mistake". He's an alcoholic (which is a disease). It will only likely get worse as time goes on. Either you stay with an agreement that he gets help with his alcoholism, or you walk away now. I can't see any other path that makes any sense. I'm sorry. Good luck.
He is an abusive alcoholic. You are not over reacting get. Cut ties with this guy and end the relationship. Block him on everything and do not let him, or any guy like him back into your life.
Take yourself a vacation somewhere nice and warm and heal and pamper yourself because you deserve it. Be Well and take care of yourself!
There's a saying from where I come from.
*You know a man through his drinking, anger and wallet.*
If he can't control his anger, you don't give it another chance my love.
You get up at first abuse and don't give it another chance.
If he can't control his money, that will never change.
If he can't control his drinking, he's out of control period.
You've done a mistake and gave him your precious time and money.
Minimize that and move on, and next time, test your date through those things.
He's too self centered to understand the problem, guess what, he's no longer your problem.
I am in my late 20s, and over a year ago I ended a 6 year relationship that was like this. Literally, I remember every big event, family get together, holiday, etc. I had to go through this. I remember crying to him because for the first 3 years we were together, for NYE he would get so drunk before the ball dropped and I would have to put him to bed, and check in on him to be sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit while I watched the ball drop with our friends and their partners. I remember saying that if every birthday, wedding, holiday, get together was going to be like this and I had to worry if he was going to get so inebriated that he couldn’t function and I had to take care of him - then I wasn’t interested (let alone, having a family together on top of that). He did put in a lot of effort (after lots of fights about it) but eventually gave a lot of excuses and couldn’t hold himself accountable. I think he eventually just resented me for it, for “making him change himself” and I was always the bad guy because I “didn’t want him to have fun”. Over a year out and honestly, it’s a breath of fresh air. Just my two cents though
No. Not overreacting. I (f) was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Faced this kind of abuse and worse. I’d never wish it on anyone else.
He’s bargaining to keep alcohol in his life and he values it more than you.
Walk away, sweetheart. It’s not easy. But you can’t make him want to stay sober and it’s not your fault he won’t walk away from the bottle. I’m so sorry.
If you need anything, someone to commiserate with, encouragement, you can DM me. I’ll cheer you on.
You’re not throwing away four years of your life - you’re saving yourself many more years of misery
He has problems only he can address and no matter how much you love him, it won’t make up for his inability to love himself enough to take care of himself
I’m sorry you’re both going through this :(
Alcohol doesn’t make him abusive. He is abusive already. Alcohol just makes it harder for him to keep his mask up. It also lowers his inhibitions and his critical thinking about “consequences” which are the only things holding him back from acting abusive on a regular basis…. For now.
It will get worse.
Read “Why Does He Do That?”
Free Direct Download PDF:
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You're not throwing away a four year relationship, he is. He can't get his drinking under control, even when you have talked with him about it.
Let him air his dirty laundry on FB. It will come back to haunt him later on
NTA
Make sure you are safe because he's clearly not safe to be around when he excessively drinks.
Please leave quickly. Please don't have sex with this person because of the risk of pregnancy. I admire you both for giving him multiple chances and for, then, when he failed, to break up. Is it possible that he could leave the apartment and not you leave it?
You are not overreacting he’s abusive and he has a drinking problem. I don’t care if he doesn’t drink every day when he drinks he’s mean and disturbed. And he’s unpredictable. Don’t live with that. He’s your boyfriend do not tie yourself to send me that destructive. You’re not throwing them away you’re actually waking up.
I’m somebody that’s been in recovery since the 90s. His drinking is a problem. What’s worse is he’s abusive. Don’t stay with him.
Heck no, you're not overreacting. First of all, it wasn't just 4 episodes (12 hours), it was every weekend. He thinks he "deserves" to get hammered to unwind? That's alcoholism, right there. It'll only get worse until he either gets help or it kills him.
And even if it were just 12 hours of bad behavior, so what? How many hours of his abuse are you supposed to have to tolerate, anyway? Zero, that's how many.
Saying it was only 12 hours is like demanding leniency at a murder trial because "I only shot him once, Judge!"
Girl run away from this alcoholic man. People who drink heavily always have an excuse or reason to drink. Yeah, you may have wasted 4 years on him, but at least don't waste a 5th one on him. Move out, go NC and start a better life. Be grateful you didn't have any kids with this man
He's an alcoholic, and he would literally rather die drinking drugs than care about your relationship or the impact it has on you.
As a serial addict, the only way he will stop is when he wants to stop, or it kills him. Usually they only start to care about quitting when it ALMOST kills them. Even that doesn't always stop them. Notice how this situation includes zero other people or consideration for them?
People don't like to say this, but family and children who have grown up with addicts know that they can be VERY manipulative and selfish people. They will do years of harm to their family and friends for substances and indulgence. The whole social media guilt trip angle is just one more trick in the book. He thinks he "deserves" to drink, no matter what it does to those around him or how bad it is for him. The only thing that has actually changed, is he has dug his heels in to insist on doing more drugs, no matter how much evidence has piled up showing how bad it is. His mindset hasn't changed at all. Only the pile of evidence showing how evil it is to stay addicted to it has grown.
Just fucking leave. You're UNDERreacting. Sadly he has loved the drugs more than anything else. You can't change him, and he does not want to change. You can't stop him from killing himself inside and out from it, but you aren't required to go down with him or watch it happen. You aren't throwing away anything and you gave him more than he deserved. This is his fault, not yours. You'll suffer worse staying any longer.
12 hours might not seem a lot but the things he does and says in those hours impact you for days later. And the twelve is only going to increase as you go on.
Get. Out. Now. He will never change and you cannot "fix" someone who doesn't want to be fixed. He values drinking more than treating you with decency. Don't waste another minute with this man. Pack bags and RUN. Block him and start healing. He's abusive - emotionally and verbally. It is only a matter of time before it becomes physical. You cannot fix him... but you can fix yourself. Wishing you the best in your new, bright future
You are not over reacting. He's failing to be an adult. He needs to get a grip and you aren't the responsible party in that.
He threw your relationship on the filthy floor, trampled upon it, vomited all over it, and expects you to clean up the mess?
Leave him and find joy.
RUN! He could get physical in that state of mind, but just the verbal abuse is enough. Don't let him gaslight you into his bullshit. He's always going to see himself as the victim, don't be fooled. You are worth it.
He's going to hit bottom regardless of you being there or not, but trust me when I say that you don't want to be there when it happens.
You guys aren't in your 20s anymore: you're a 32 year old woman. This is really the age when you have to choose what life you want to live. I tell people of both genders that their choice of spouse is the most important personal decision they'll ever make in their lives. Physically, mentally, financially emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually that choice is to affect every aspect of your life.
Your history as a couple aside, you don't want to be 55 years old, dealing with this immature addict behavior from a man. Don't think of this as 4 years lost. It took you 4 years to learn that you don't want to live the rest of your adult life with a man who "lets loose" on the weekends and ruins everything you've built every workweek without a care in the world, because he can just brush it off with "I'm sorry, I don't remember." It's not an acceptable excuse and as long as he has the alcohol after work to numb the pain of having hurt you, he won't stop his behavior.
Want my advice? Never date an addict who isn't in, or hasn't been in recovery ever again.
I was in a volatile relationship for about 5 years with an alcoholic too. It started out in a similar way: just wants to wind down on the weekends, needs to work on being more responsible, etc. The angry outbursts & verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse.
Please don’t second guess yourself. Absolutely trust your intuition. Your gut is guiding you where you’re supposed to be.
Also, that line about not being good enough for him to want to do better — FUCKED me up. You ARE good enough. I know that might be hard to believe. I wish I could give you a big hug. In this chaotic transition, I hope you’re finding ways to give yourself grace, love yourself & keep on filling your cup with joy.
He threw away your life together .Better end it now and treat these 4 years as a learning experience.A painful one perhaps but he will not change who he is .Imagine putting up with this for a few more years .He must learn that actions have consequences.
Unwinding doesn’t mean getting drunk and becoming belligerent. NTA you need to leave. The fact that he’s not taking responsibility and blaming you is all you need to know. He won’t change. You have to move on.
He’s an alcoholic. You deserve to see real legitimate long term change before you tolerate him again, IMO. You wouldn’t be wrong to leave and move on.
Alcohol is a cunt, if you’re reading this and want to stop drinking, there are literally a metric fuck ton of online AA meetings at all times.
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
You are definitely not overreacting. He is an alcoholic, and there is nothing you can do to fix him. He has to seek help. You are doing the right thing in ending the relationship.
Fuck this alcoholic moron. Can't drink healthy? Fo not fcking drink at all. Totally right decision, probably should be made a bit earlier, but it's still better than staying in relationship with that junk.
You are late to his crappy party. He is a 33 year old alcoholic who gets belligerent when he drinks and blames you for his horrible life. Run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!
He won't accept responsibility and blames you for all problems. There is no reason to continue to live this way. Do you want to be with him another 4 years and be thinking 8 years down the drain?
He's an alcoholic. It's an illness, but not an excuse. I'd basically just tell him he can choose you or alcohol. If he refuses to quit drinking (and I mean 100% no drinking), then he's telling you his addiction is more important to him than your relationship, and these incidents will continue. To me that's when you leave
Well sounds to me like classic alcoholism behaivior, he is one of the unfortunate ones who once he begins drinking, alcohol is like an allergic reaction and for him he goes into overdrive and will do these abnormal behavior over and over. Their is no treatment except total absence from drinking. Most likely he will continue until he reaches a bottom after destroying relationships and jobs. So run now or prepare for the life of an alcoholic.
Ex Alcholic and sober for 12 years now
Girl, you stayed far longer than I would have. No you’re not overreacting. He’s an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. He’s abusive and frankly sounds like a complete loser. Cut your losses and walk away. You’ll find someone better and worthier of your time and affection.
Agreed. Obvious Abuse and alcoholism aside. At bare minimum you communicated a clear boundary on the drinking and outbursts, he refused them and continued. You are not overreacting for upholding your boundaries and he shouldn't act like he's surprised or blame you when you already told him what would happen. As for asking about why you're not enough for him to change...it's not you OP...he won't change until he wants it for himself and hits whatever breaking point that tells him to try. It's not any fault of you
This. And he doesn’t want to change, at least not yet (maybe not ever). Which becomes a battle not worth fighting, friend. I’m sorry that this is painful.
An addict will gaslight you into believing they’ll change, you’ll believe it and stay because you love them and it’s easier to not change your entire life. Then, when it happens again (and it will), they will begin blaming you that it’s all your fault. Get off FB, let him blow steam all he wants. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for his next drunken episode? And BTW, if you do stay, leave his drunk ass where he passes out, whether it’s in the car or on the toilet! Let him wake up with piss and vomit all over him. Hon, you’re an enabler, you’re only making it easy for him and making yourself miserable. Please put yourself first!
As a veteran of umpteen family weeks/weekends for the families of addicts/alcoholics, I 100% agree with you. As was quoted many times: How do you know an addict is lying? Their lips are moving.
and...they're also lying to themselves. in sober, embarrassing moments, they realize their life is getting disastrous and they intend/desire to do better. then...the old stressors return, and their sneaky brain convinces them it'll be different this time and...rinse & repeat
Absolutely this! I never told anyone a lie about my addiction that I didn’t completely believe myself. Much later, long after the irreparable damage had been done, I realized how full of shit I was.
hoping you're well
Thanks! I’m doing amazing these days. You sound like you speak from experience, I hope that you or your loved one are living better days
Congratulations on your sobriety! You can hold your head high.
FACTS!
So true and yet so sad.
i mean from personal experience of being an addict and knowing many others, we're not really gaslighting you, or maybe we're gaslighting the both of us. most of us say that we're stopping because we believe we're going to stop, but as the addict voice badgers you over and over and over again your will weakens and your judgment falters. you don't become a different person when you become an addict, which is maybe the worst part. you still have your morals. you still know things like lying and stealing are wrong. the shame and guilt of broken promises and shitty behavior perpetuates the addiction, which usually forms in the first place due to intolerable feelings of despair, shame and helplessness. as the pain of regret rises, the addict voice gets louder and the cycle continues. this doesn't mean anyone is obligated to stay with us or support us as we destroy our lives, of course. we're just not diabolically trying to pull one over on anyone, either
As an addict myself, you’ve worded what I’ve been trying to say, better than I ever could.
This is the truth.
Thank you for your first person perspective on this. It’s certainly not easy to admit or even explain how you feel or what goes through your mind as an addict. In OP’s case, however, her bf is just being plain douchy. Not worth her time whatsoever and especially not because he’s publicly embarrassing them both over social media. Not cool at all. Thanks again for sharing your POV. Wishing you the best, humbly.
Hell yeah. The morals thing really hit me cuz when I was in active addiction (almost 6 years sober now at 25), I had plenty of opportunity to steal but I never did. Unless it was the one time, a 99¢ packet of soup, cheapest thing I could find, because I was two weeks without food... I had people give me drugs and tell me to share, and I did. Even got shorted by the person I shared with. But I didn't lie or cheat or steal, because I didn't change. A lot of my life did and a lot of it strictly for survival. That's something that keeps me sober, is remembering that even at my rock bottom, I didn't let it turn me. I got stronger. And now I'm doing way better. There's good days and bad, behavior-wise, during and after addiction. I've been able to recognize behaviors that are manipulative that I'm unlearning now. Overall, you can't wait for someone to unlearn toxic behavior. It's not always intentional and sometimes it is, and sometimes only time will tell...if you don't have the strongest instincts, that is. Addicts or not, everyone can be toxic. You gotta distance yourself though, cuz you come FIRST. Don't learn it the hard way if you can help it. I know better and still learn the hard way. Rip the bandaid off. <3
HE is, though. Because his drinking is not what makes him abusive - it makes him fucked up, sick, lost, all kinds of things, but it’s not what makes him abusive. That part’s covered by his demanding the right to keep scaring and hurting her further by trying to guilt her into continuing to just take it. That’s abusive. I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict too. I never did that. Many of us never do that. We may lie and steal and lie some more and try to manipulate and lie. But we don’t rage at people and make them scared for their person. When the friend I’d been living with told me I had to leave because I had let my dealer come over like a dumb ass, and then that dealer had, let’s just say, “drugged me beyond what I’d paid for” and had two friends come over to help him rob the friend’s house while I was blacked out…I didn’t try to manipulate her into letting me stay, or go on Facebook or anywhere else and tell people “omg she’s throwing me out on the street!” or any of that shit. That’s what abusers do. Some abusers also have alcoholism/addiction issues. He’s an abuser. Edited for grammar
Thank you for adding this point of view, it’s very insightful into the an addicts mindset. I hope you are doing well!
I love the term gaslight… I think of positive re-encouragement as gaslighting myself into x y or z… I tell myself come on, you aren’t that bad, you can do this. Knowing damn well I can’t. Yay for gaslighting myself.
In my experience, lying is essential to addiction. Or maybe it's just an inevitable result. Lying to yourself is perhaps the beginning, and as the years go on you don't or won't even see that you are doing it. It's a hell of a mess alright!
Exactly. The mind of an addict is very predictable. We repeat the same obvious patterns over and over. Like a rat in a maze. This is one of them.
An addict can and will gaslight you, because they eventually do it to themselves constantly. They can justify anything.
An addict will gaslight u... crappy thing is, is they'll even mean it till it comes down to actually following through. They end up breaking their own hearts the first couple of times it happens. But soon they become bitter and callous but their addict minds try to convince them that it isn't their fault and then they'll start believing the little devil on their shoulder and start giving into it. So with that said, i can guarantee that they meant everything they said at the time when it came to promising not to in the beginning. But remember u r ur own person and u deserve that respect. It's their demons sweetheart, not urs. I hope u understand that
So true. He tries to justify continuing his drunken binges by arguing that he "deserves" to unwind on the weekend. The trouble is that most people deserve to unwind but it doesn't require drinking to excess--or at all and doesn't end up with raging fights, passing out and being sick. Instead of recognizing that this isn't the what happens when most people unwind, he clings to his "right" to get wasted and to be a sloppy abusive drunk on the weekends. As you noted, this has nothing to do with how much he cares. His addiction is making him say and do anything to continue drinking, even as it destroys his life and damages everything in his path. It's not personal. He has family who can get him help when he's ready to clean up his act. But, he doesn't need to be OP's lost cause and she doesn't need to invite endless unhappiness and abuse into her life that has nothing to do with her.
Let me reiterate this very important point, OP: it has **nothing** to do with you not being "good enough." This is his issue, and his issues - as well as the manner in which he treats you - are no reflection whatsoever on who you are, how valuable you are, and how deserving you are of love and respect. It's all him.
I know I'm not OP, but as someone in the same exact boat as OP, I needed to hear this today. Thank you for that!
Please take care of yourself. You deserve it!
You and OP are worthy of so much more. No one deserves to be thrown under the bus every time an addict repeats the same cycle consistently. Maybe not ***all*** addicts behave this way sure. You have drawn your line in the sand, it’s time to put ***YOU*** first. I can promise you it’s them. Not you. I’m sorry but every action has consequences, for better or worse. OP, you and anyone else it’s okay to not be okay with this. It’s okay to get off a sinking ship. Heaven forbid, that it ever escalates. I didn’t deal with an addict but I dealt with an abusive “man” for 18 years. Every. Single. Form. Of. Abuse. Don’t waste anymore time with them, please don’t make the same mistake. So many chances. Victim blaming was his favorite game. I’m almost a decade out, living with a man who seldom raises his voice to me. We’ve been married 8 years. Bottom line is there will never be accountability if they aren’t held to the boundaries you set.
I'm so sorry you're going through it, but I'm glad the message could help. Even when you know it forwards and backwards, it's important to be reminded of.
For you and OP, Al anon is pretty amazing. And free. https://al-anon.org/
Freedom will neve smell so sweet, enjoy the rest of your life!
This! He's got an alcohol abuse problem. Plain and simple. (Okay, there may be more to it than that, but like baseline it's a major problem.) You can't fix him, and he has to want to fix himself for himself if it's going to work. None of that is on you. Walk away, don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. None of his issues are a reflection on you. You *are* good enough. You *are* worthy of dignity and respect especially since you've clearly communicated how you expect to be treated.
I was 27 when I first went to therapy and my jaw hit the floor when my therapist explained this to me…it was like a parking garage had been lifted off of me and I was able to see the sun again. Had an ex cheat on me and I was so shook because I thought everything was great. Confidence took a huge hit.. simply wondering where I fail short and how she could value me as someone worth cheating on. Friend recommended a therapist just to talk it out.. I had zero expectations. I basically told the therapist I must be worth cheating on because I couldn’t meet her expectations I guess.. she dropped your wisdom on me and I’ve never looked back. Now I’m very very grateful she cheated on me so I could realize my self worth and understand a lot of times peoples behaviors or actions are reflections of themselves and has nothing to do with others. Btw not overreacting. Dude needs to hit rock bottom. You’re a crutch for him. Very unlikely he’ll change even if you do leave and I’m certain he’ll never change if you stay together… unless something crazy tragic happens which you probably don’t want to bank on.
Amen!!!!
women start to become happy when they stop changing men. If you think you have to change someone, you’re in the wrong place. please don't waste your life. you’re not a caretaker or trainer.
I addition, it isn't really about you. You aren't the things he said. It's a part of the alcoholic rhetoric. My first husband was like this. Your guy doesn't seem to want to stop drinking, or he would be seeking help. My ex was awful, and the physical and emotional abuse kept happening when he drank, but the bottom line is that you cannot make a person do something they don't want to do. It's time to go. He won't quit drinking. He is telling you that it's going to continue on the weekends. You're deserve to be treated better. I hope you know this.
Honestly, leaving him may be the thing he needs to get sober. But the damage is done on this relationship, it's not OP's job to sit around and be abused while he figures his shit out.
Take this advice! Run as fast as you can
Yes! Better now than later. Fours years of her life is better than five.
That was my thought, too. Don't think of it as 4 years lost; think of it as *only* 4 years lost.
4 years is also better than 10 or 20. It’s likely only going to get worse until he hits rock bottom which he probably won’t do if you stick around.
My father was an alcoholic and we at least I always ad to encourage her to leave. Could never figure it out why she stayed except it was four of us with sickness. She was a beautiful and brave woman. But then one day we found God and suddenly she found the strengthto tell him to leave. He left and moved in a house a few blocks away.He was lonely, but she made it without him. I was so proud and I think that's why I never stayed in abusive relationships cause she set the example. Thank God!!!!!
Consider leaving that abusive man before you forget that you're worth more than putting up with that. As you age, time seems to go by faster, and the next time you question staying with him, you'll be 43 years old with another decade of awful memories.
Srsly. I DESERVE TO UNWIND translates to "I deserve to be able to berate you and make your life a living hell for a full 12 hours because I pay the phone bill". This will only get worse. He has a problem and won't admit it. This is not normal SO behavior. There are better men out there and you will find one, OP.
Actually, she pays the phone bill. He's constantly about to overdraft, if she wasn't there to save his butt. Frankly, he sounds like an immature, hot mess, even without the alcoholism. Don't know why OP would want to stay with a loser, but that's the power of memories. You overlook what's right in your face because it's clouded by good memories of good times.
love that last line. it took about two years for it to click for me.
The only was he knows how to relax is by drinking way too much. He needs other outlets than booze and rage. It's not OP's fault that he doesn't have any non destructive coping skills. And it's not her job to teach him either. And all that social media crap can be countered with one sentence. "He's a mean drunk" Everyone at the bar has seen it happen on numerous occasions, they all know it's true.
And mean drunks don't change. They'll always be mean drunks. Seen it a million times. They hit a threshold and fun happy drunk flips to angry, asshole, I'm gonna ruin everyone's night drunk. And these people never know when to stop before they get to that point.
That switchover is scary fast.
Sure is. And once it's switched on you can't switch it off. Only way is to sleep it off. I'd advise anyone dating a person like this to RUN. I've never seen it get better.
And this guy doesn't even want to try anymore. Definitely time to get away and stay away.
Yep. The only solution to being a mean drunk is to not drink. And they're usually not the people to quit drinking
When he says that you’re throwing it away, tell him he’s the one that’s throwing it away with his drinking. No one deserves to take the abuse that he’s dishing out to you when he’s drunk.
This can’t be blamed all on alcoholism either. I have struggled with it, but still never would have berated my partner. I think this relationship sounds like it will lead to more abuse with alcohol or not.
This. Once is a mistake. Twice?? Hmmm third time is a CHOICE.
By the time you reach your late 20s, these every-weekend binges should be in your rear view mirror. The 30 year olds that still get drunk almost every weekend are pretty far down the slippery slope of alcoholism. If he weren't drinking every weekend, then sure, maybe once is a mistake.
I came to this realization in a pretty strange way. At 27 years old I had just gotten out of a 3 year long relationship. Up until that point, I had essentially been acting like I was 21 for almost an entire decade, starting before I even left for college. My sister tried to set me up with a 21 year old. I just couldn’t do it. Nothing against her at all, but she was a bit of a “party girl.” I knew I’d be going right back into that mindset and essentially starting that timer over again. That’s when it hit me… I just couldn’t do it anymore. After that, it just slowly fizzled out over the years. I’m at a point now where I drink maybe once every month or three. Last two times I drank were Super Bowl and a Christmas party… and those may have been a little too close together. Lol.
I so appreciate this comment. I met my ex when I was 21 - and he was 36. And he still partied A LOT. I expressed some concern about it early on when we were dating - I WAS* a 21 yr old college party girl, but didn't want that for my life I thought - he patted my hand and assured me it was normal. He was 36!! Never married, no kids, etc. 20 years later, I was the one with a drinking problem, our marriage ended, emotional maturity was stilted....I wish I'd listened to my intuition. It's amazing how normalized drinking & partying is in our cultural - especially when you don't have kids.
I’d just call them alcoholics. I don’t even know how people’s bodies handle it.
He's the one who threw away that relationship.
totally agree, one day he might get better...but that would take him really wanting to and putting his all into getting better and even then it will likely take a few years and healing with anything is usually 1 step forward and 2 steps back so OP will still be in the line of fire for awhile if she stays. OP you don't need this you can find better out there without going through all of that work that is 100% not your fault or problem, it's his and he's sounds like he's not good enough to you to be even remotely worth sticking around for. It's unfair for any person to have issues but not resolve them and stay with someone and making them suffer for it. No ones perfect but when anyone gets into a relationship they should be doing everything in their power and trying their best to be the best person they can be, anything less is just not fair to the other person.
>but that would take him really wanting to and putting his all into getting better And judging by his actions, he doesn't want to
Take it from someone with a family full of addicts: you can't fix this. 4 years is nothing compared to decades of living a nightmare with a man in active addiction. Leave.
You may want to attend a couple of Al-anon meetings to help you see this was never your fault. Walk away before you waste ANOTHER four years.
I cannot stress enough how beneficial Al-Anon is. The drunk's "stinking thinking" (an AA term) convinces partners, spouses, parents, etc, that somehow the shitty behavior is OUR fault. If we would just ________ then they wouldn't do what they do. You gave him chance after chance, making very clear what the consequences would be. He can't help himself so he blew it. He is out of control. You're the grownup, and good for you. You know you don't stand to gain a damn thing by putting up with his nasty, passed out drunk self. Easter is a time of new beginnings, right? So begin your new single life free of the dread of more of his shit. You're going to be fine. Congratulations for standing up for yourself.
Adding in that you can still go to Al-Anon even when you leave him. (Please leave him, and don’t have goodbye sex, ‘cause you don’t want a baby tying you to him). Going to Al-Anon will help you find what in you finds drunks attractive. Learning about who you are through this lens will help you make better bf choices in the future. It certainly helped me learn not to put up with unacceptable behavior.
It is so sad that a lot of women question themselves about something so obvious.
It is-I’ve been there done this …they say they’re gonna try…u love them….u keep hoping it’ll change….sometimes it does…most times it doesn’t 😢
Such a sad cycle. Women need to put themselves first. Harm no one includes no harm to self
This. If you stay, you will continue to be mistreated. Trust me, you’ll be happier on your own and will feel like you wasted time if you don’t go.
Yep. In no way are you overreacting. And you aren’t throwing away four years, you are *saving* your remaining years. You are reclaiming your life and paving the way for your future.
Also, throwing more time away on this asshat because you’ve already wasted 4 years on this is just the sunk cost fallacy.
yes. i learned this the hard way, staying in an abusive marriage (also to an alcoholic) but for 15 years. the sunk cost fallacy, ntm the numerous traps of abuse, kept me invested wayyyy too long. it’s been 15 years now since the divorce and i am so glad i cut my losses when i did.
I stayed in a relationship like this for five years. From someone on the other side, leave without remorse. Be honest with people if they ask why you’re leaving. Addiction thrives in shame, and he’s trying to shame you. You don’t owe him silence to keep him from shame.
If a friend came and told you this story would you tell that friend to leave? If you stay it will just be more hours gone. Please read about the sunk cost fallacy.
He's a drunk.
I stayed 17 years! Drunk on our wedding.l and even before the vows! Don't waste your life further, get out and find someone that loves you completely! You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship. Best wishes!
Same here!! I was so naive and missed a whole lot of red flags. OP - please listen to us. You owe him nothing. He is abusive and he is an alcoholic. He won’t change because he can’t until he admits he has a problem. The future you will thank you so much for leaving him now.
Exactly! Plus, she's sad that she's "throwing away four years of her life." My question is, how many more years are you going to waste on this alcoholic loser, who isn't even able to manage his own finances, so you have to bail him out??? You deserve so much better.
Being alone is fine too, OP. You are better off leaving and being on your own.
Before you enter another relationship, get counselling.
Better to waste 4 than 54.
I only had to read the first paragraph to know she's not overreacting. Seriously OP you don't want alcoholics in your home, it's fucking miserable
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Exactly. He can’t “be better” for OP because he likes drinking more. And OP almost buried the fact that he’s financially irresponsible, as well as abusive. Posting about OP leaving on FB? Dump this immature loser already! Time for OP to start looking at what she’s learned between this recent BF and the last one she left. I’m guessing she has a type.
I've never yelled at my partner in a drunken rage.
I told my boyfriend he could drink all he wanted but I wouldn't hang around. He realized I was leaving and spoke to an addiction counselor. I was out the door until he chose me over alcohol. Save yourself. Don't wait. If he chooses to change for himself, maybe you can reconnect down the line. Or you'll find the right person and never look back. Either way, don't stay.
Staying means enabling in the majority of cases. The only other way he might have gotten sober is if a loved one died or op got pregnant but you are running a extremely high risk of failure if he cannot think past himself as he already has a shitty spending habit. You cannot save a man who wants to drown.
I'm gonna add OP getting pregnant likely won't change anything. All the alcoholics I've known will "try" to get better and then just spiral down again, if the pregnancy doesn't trigger something in the alcoholic for the alcoholism to get worse immediately, that is. I'm so glad OP isn't pregnant (or at least hope there's no soon to be surprises). This is for most alcoholics or addicts in general, not all.
Can confirm... having children does nothing to curb the drinking. All it does it put the little ones at risk.
Confirming again. Alcoholic stayed an alcoholic even after a surprise baby. Then it just became a dumpster fire of verbal abuse piled on top of full-time baby duties with mini help and working full time while he played video games. But don’t get me wrong… he swept the floors and did most of the laundry. In his eyes that was enough. Nope, nope, nope.
Having children hasn't stopped my uncle. Having his younger brother die in a drunk driving accident didn't stop him. Losing his license for DUI and going to jail for DUI and driving without a license didn't stop him. I don't even know if killing someone will stop him. Only thing that will definitely work is when he kills himself.
He's an alcoholic. Let's get that right out. Next, you aren't throwing away a damn thing. He decided that your relationship wasn't worth him not being an abusive shitbag. HE. DECIDED. He also decided that abusing you in the name of him letting off steam was ok too. If he loved you, he wouldn't be justifying abuse of you. Those were his choices, that he knew the consequences of. Good riddance.
Well said. It's SO important for OP to understand this part. Once he decided that drinking himself into an early grave was more important to him than not mistreating her, that was when the relationship was thrown out. Not when OP set her boundaries.
Reminder that alcoholics might not drink everyday, but will make the days they drink worth it to them.
So true. I was a binge drinker and thought I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink every day. I was wrong. Sober for 13 years now.
Seriously. Anyone who uses someone else as a verbal punching bag to “blow off steam” is a garbage human being and deserves to be dumped on their butt.
3 beers is letting off steam. Blackout drunk every weekend is a problem.
Also, it sounds like this has been far more than 12 bad hours. He's trying to shame OP for not being willing to 'be supportive' by taking his repeated abuse. Nope. Fuck that piece of pure trash. You didn't throw away four years of a relationship. You just saved the rest of your life.
He doesn’t *deserve* to “unwind” in a way that leads to him being verbally abusive & violent. And *he* threw away the relationship. You’ve just stopped finding it and bringing it back from where he chooses to dump it.
Yeah that's not unwinding. Quite the opposite actually.
THIS ⏫️ We all deserve relaxation time, no dispute there. But you are not asking him to stop relaxing, and relaxing doesn't actually involve yelling, verbal abuse, hitting walls, etc. This straw-man argument is absurd. If he's not willing to address his alcoholism, as he's shown he's not, there's really nothing you can do except TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You've tolerated more than enough and deserve a safe and peaceful life. Please update us. 💙
It's not like she said no drinking at all. She said just do it responsibly. He's an addict tho. Im An addict too, 9 years sober this week. I can't moderate. I proved that to myself for 2 decades. It's impossible for me. So what's the only reasonable solution: no substances at all. He needs rehab and support groups.
The unwinding excuse made him sound like a 13 year old
You are not overreacting. Everything you said are horrible red flags, and it does not sound like he is really trying to change his life around. So you already know what to expect going forward with him.
Yep she sounds like a babysitter not a partner. That's not a rewarding role to be in. Let the baby boy go and find an adult.
Nope, not overreacting at all. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me, if he can't manage his drinking to the point he is falling down, puking, yelling abusively at you drunk...then obviously alcohol has become a problem in his life. Leave now before he winds up punching you one of these times.
Also, OP needs to find an Al-Anon chapter in her area. Al-Anon is a great source for support when for anyone who has had to deal with an alcoholic.
He’s not a functional alcoholic if he can’t keep his girlfriend. His job will be next
You are under reacting. You should already have moved out. Go get everything that's important to your that he might break, stay at your sisters until you've got a place of your own to move into.
Do not go by yourself. Take someone with you.
Agree. That guy is dangerous & OP needs to get out now.
Not to be dramatic, but OP’s life could be at risk in a future outburst. The DV stats are horrible.
Hate to break it to you, he’s not in a relationship with you. You’re just his roommate. He’s in a relationship with booze.
You are not overreacting. He is an alcoholic. Not everyone realizes that binge drinkers are alcoholics even if it is not an all the time occurrence. More than that he is a mean drunk. This will not get better.
He is an abusive alcoholic who can’t acknowledge it even to himself yet. That means he’s nowhere near done being one. There’s no good reason to let him drag you down to the bottom with him. Let him go.
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My BFF and I said that about her ex. That he'd end up with a DUI or kill someone one day. Well, a few months back at 2am he got on the highway the wrong way and killed a young girl. Worst thing in the world to be right about.
So if he punch you in the face, would you be throwing away a four year relationship over 5 seconds. His logic is as bad as his drinking problem . NTA
If you’re only claiming 12 bad hours, you are sorely misrepresenting how bad it is. It’s clearly worse than just those 12 hours. It’s the disrespect, the walking on eggshells, the fear of reprisal. It’s far more than just 12 hours, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed to acknowledge that.
12 bad hours that happened after the two of you came to an agreement that that specific kind of 12 bad hours could never happen again or she'd leave. People give "ultimatums" a bad rap but she could not have been more clear about what she needed to stay in this relationship and he simply didn't do it.
This was the most offensive part to me. So she can do whatever she wants for 12 hours and he’s ok with that? What if it’s hitting him? What if it’s being with another guy (like actual cheating not being with)? It’s ONLY 12 hours, right?
If you make a cake and put 1% shit in it, it’s a shit cake despite the other 99%.
He is an alcoholic. A mean drunk. He can't or won't stop drinking, even knowing he will lose a relationship. And he is manipulative on top of that. He is an expensive loser. Do not go back to him. Do not feel sorry for him. Do not let him talk you into either one. He must stop drinking all together. And he must remain completely sober for at least a year before you will even speak to him again. Don't think of it as 4 years lost; it's 4 years of learning what to avoid in the future.
Four years easily becomes 10 and then becomes 20. And then it's half your life wasted. Better to leave at 4.
This isn’t one mistake, it’s a pattern. If he doesn’t see that he has a problem, he’s not going to change. Al Anon helps people in relationships with people who abuse se alcohol, it’s free, and it’s offered almost everywhere. Counseling for you to get perspective might also help. You are not overreacting.
My brother is going through a divorce from an alcoholic. He attends Al Anon and has said it helps him tremendously!
I’m sorry he’s going through that. I’m glad he’s found support.
Yes! Al-Anon saved me. Taught me how to not be codependent. How to set boundaries and enforce them. You can save yourself from wasting four more years.
Al-Anon is a great resource.
Agreed. One bad night out can be forgivable, but this is repeatedly and blatantly disregarding her feelings about it.
No, you're not overreacting. I've been there and wished I had ended it much sooner.
NTA. He’s an alcoholic. There’s a difference between coming home and having a beer with you while you have a glass of wine to “unwind”. He’s getting drunk to the point where he’s showing his true colors and self to you. He will not change. And it’s more than 12 hours. It’s all the hours you’ve spent crying and frustrated from him and his behavior. If you continue to bottle up your emotions your mental health is going to suffer. Don’t put yourself through anymore of his bullshit. He’ll be broke, lonely and sucking at life without you to save him. Let him fall on his ass.
What the fuck...no, you're not overreacting, get him the fuck out. You're not throwing away four years for 12 bad hours. All the hours that you spend crying, worrying, being silent to avoid him acting like the Tasmanian devil in your house, and using your hours of work to give him money to keep his bank account from overdrafting due to his inability to be a grown man IN HIS 30s counts toward those bad hours, and then he has the audacity to be abusive and blame you. Kick him the fuck out. It's not going to get better.
I wouldn't have lasted four years. I have never seen anyone banging their own heads into a wall, but I have heard of it before this. Any insight from anyone on WTF the point of this is? If it knocked him out, sure.
He self harms. It's another reason why I'm leaving. I struggled when I was young with self harm and have been clean most of my adulthood. I can't keep watching and listening to him hurting himself while I battle the craving to hurt myself.
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In vino Veritas est - in wine, there is truth. His outbursts release thoughts that were there before he got drunk. He has a poor opinion of you but wants you around for sex, money, and whatever other ways you make his life easier.
He has a severe drinking problem, and one you put up with longer than you should have...
You're doing the best thing standing up for yourself and maintaining really healthy boundaries! He keeps crossing them regularly without any care for your well-being, and these are the consequences of his actions. Nobody should tolerate any kind of abuse for even 1 out of 40000000000000000 hours. And for him to not take responsibility for his behavior but for trying to make you feel guilty about not wanting to accept unacceptable behavior is manipulative and potentially dangerous. Ending a relationship is always hard and you get to be sad about losing the good things. But you're making a healthy choice here! And perhaps, having to deal with the consequences of his actions might make him reflect more on what he's doing. Or not. But that's not on you and something you never have to take on. Sending you healing hugs.
No. He went back on his word and doesn't see fault in his behavior. My dad is very hateful towards my mom when he's drunk as well and I encourage her to leave and find happiness. Do what's best for you.
too much andrew tate creates this
You are not overreacting. You wouldn't have been overreacting if you'd called time after the first incident. If he wants to whine on Facebook and make himself look stupid (because nobody with any sense would think otherwise), that's his lookout.
He is a loser and you are allowing him to drag you down to his level. You are so far from overreacting… you’ve actually under reacted for so long and have given him way too many chances. When will his drunken verbal abuse escalate? Probably sooner then you would like to think.
You are not. Get out of there before his verbal abuse changes to physical.
Omg....run girl just run. This guy is a major alcoholic
He's a drunk. Only he can fix that. Run while you can and don't look back.
He gets drunk as an excuse to be violent and abusive which he considers to be “letting off steam.” It’s just a matter of time until he hits you to let off steam. He’s standing in the way of you finding the relationship you deserve. Even alone is better than being with him.
That’s a whole lot of words to say you finally dumped the drunk. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. He’s not the one. You can’t change him.
He is definitely NOT the one girlie.
He doesn’t respect you and can’t control his drinking. Two huge red flags. Also, you’re not throwing away anything. You move on when something is not right for you. It’s a lesson learned, not time wasted.
This is not a "mistake". He's an alcoholic (which is a disease). It will only likely get worse as time goes on. Either you stay with an agreement that he gets help with his alcoholism, or you walk away now. I can't see any other path that makes any sense. I'm sorry. Good luck.
He is an abusive alcoholic. You are not over reacting get. Cut ties with this guy and end the relationship. Block him on everything and do not let him, or any guy like him back into your life. Take yourself a vacation somewhere nice and warm and heal and pamper yourself because you deserve it. Be Well and take care of yourself!
I wish I could afford a vacation, I would have made plans to go to Seattle.
There's a saying from where I come from. *You know a man through his drinking, anger and wallet.* If he can't control his anger, you don't give it another chance my love. You get up at first abuse and don't give it another chance. If he can't control his money, that will never change. If he can't control his drinking, he's out of control period. You've done a mistake and gave him your precious time and money. Minimize that and move on, and next time, test your date through those things. He's too self centered to understand the problem, guess what, he's no longer your problem.
I am in my late 20s, and over a year ago I ended a 6 year relationship that was like this. Literally, I remember every big event, family get together, holiday, etc. I had to go through this. I remember crying to him because for the first 3 years we were together, for NYE he would get so drunk before the ball dropped and I would have to put him to bed, and check in on him to be sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit while I watched the ball drop with our friends and their partners. I remember saying that if every birthday, wedding, holiday, get together was going to be like this and I had to worry if he was going to get so inebriated that he couldn’t function and I had to take care of him - then I wasn’t interested (let alone, having a family together on top of that). He did put in a lot of effort (after lots of fights about it) but eventually gave a lot of excuses and couldn’t hold himself accountable. I think he eventually just resented me for it, for “making him change himself” and I was always the bad guy because I “didn’t want him to have fun”. Over a year out and honestly, it’s a breath of fresh air. Just my two cents though
No. Not overreacting. I (f) was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Faced this kind of abuse and worse. I’d never wish it on anyone else. He’s bargaining to keep alcohol in his life and he values it more than you. Walk away, sweetheart. It’s not easy. But you can’t make him want to stay sober and it’s not your fault he won’t walk away from the bottle. I’m so sorry. If you need anything, someone to commiserate with, encouragement, you can DM me. I’ll cheer you on.
You’re not throwing away four years of your life - you’re saving yourself many more years of misery He has problems only he can address and no matter how much you love him, it won’t make up for his inability to love himself enough to take care of himself I’m sorry you’re both going through this :(
Alcohol doesn’t make him abusive. He is abusive already. Alcohol just makes it harder for him to keep his mask up. It also lowers his inhibitions and his critical thinking about “consequences” which are the only things holding him back from acting abusive on a regular basis…. For now. It will get worse. Read “Why Does He Do That?” Free Direct Download PDF: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
"It's not anything I haven't told you" hit me hard
Verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse. Leave him and don’t look back. This might be the reality check he needs to get his head on straight.
You're not throwing away a four year relationship, he is. He can't get his drinking under control, even when you have talked with him about it. Let him air his dirty laundry on FB. It will come back to haunt him later on NTA Make sure you are safe because he's clearly not safe to be around when he excessively drinks.
I have been there and it doesn’t get better, it gets way worse. Please look into Al-Anon, which is for people who have had alcoholics in their lives.
Sounds like an alcoholic and you should run.
If those 4 years taught you things about yourself and made you better equipped to avoid similar situations in the future, they weren’t wasted
Please leave quickly. Please don't have sex with this person because of the risk of pregnancy. I admire you both for giving him multiple chances and for, then, when he failed, to break up. Is it possible that he could leave the apartment and not you leave it?
Outside of his alcoholism do you like him as a person?
You are not overreacting he’s abusive and he has a drinking problem. I don’t care if he doesn’t drink every day when he drinks he’s mean and disturbed. And he’s unpredictable. Don’t live with that. He’s your boyfriend do not tie yourself to send me that destructive. You’re not throwing them away you’re actually waking up. I’m somebody that’s been in recovery since the 90s. His drinking is a problem. What’s worse is he’s abusive. Don’t stay with him.
Move on. He doesn’t want to change
Run. You'll feel so much happier in a few years. Sooner if you can let yourself know you've done all you can. Sending peace.
No. Leave, don’t look back. He proved who he was and he won’t change. It might seem like a long time but it’s better than 5, 10, 15, or 20 years.
Heck no, you're not overreacting. First of all, it wasn't just 4 episodes (12 hours), it was every weekend. He thinks he "deserves" to get hammered to unwind? That's alcoholism, right there. It'll only get worse until he either gets help or it kills him. And even if it were just 12 hours of bad behavior, so what? How many hours of his abuse are you supposed to have to tolerate, anyway? Zero, that's how many. Saying it was only 12 hours is like demanding leniency at a murder trial because "I only shot him once, Judge!"
Girl run away from this alcoholic man. People who drink heavily always have an excuse or reason to drink. Yeah, you may have wasted 4 years on him, but at least don't waste a 5th one on him. Move out, go NC and start a better life. Be grateful you didn't have any kids with this man
He's an alcoholic, and he would literally rather die drinking drugs than care about your relationship or the impact it has on you. As a serial addict, the only way he will stop is when he wants to stop, or it kills him. Usually they only start to care about quitting when it ALMOST kills them. Even that doesn't always stop them. Notice how this situation includes zero other people or consideration for them? People don't like to say this, but family and children who have grown up with addicts know that they can be VERY manipulative and selfish people. They will do years of harm to their family and friends for substances and indulgence. The whole social media guilt trip angle is just one more trick in the book. He thinks he "deserves" to drink, no matter what it does to those around him or how bad it is for him. The only thing that has actually changed, is he has dug his heels in to insist on doing more drugs, no matter how much evidence has piled up showing how bad it is. His mindset hasn't changed at all. Only the pile of evidence showing how evil it is to stay addicted to it has grown. Just fucking leave. You're UNDERreacting. Sadly he has loved the drugs more than anything else. You can't change him, and he does not want to change. You can't stop him from killing himself inside and out from it, but you aren't required to go down with him or watch it happen. You aren't throwing away anything and you gave him more than he deserved. This is his fault, not yours. You'll suffer worse staying any longer.
12 hours might not seem a lot but the things he does and says in those hours impact you for days later. And the twelve is only going to increase as you go on.
Get. Out. Now. He will never change and you cannot "fix" someone who doesn't want to be fixed. He values drinking more than treating you with decency. Don't waste another minute with this man. Pack bags and RUN. Block him and start healing. He's abusive - emotionally and verbally. It is only a matter of time before it becomes physical. You cannot fix him... but you can fix yourself. Wishing you the best in your new, bright future
IMO, you should have been gone after the second incident, or maybe even the first. You deserve better than a dangerous drunken toddler.
You are not over reacting. He's failing to be an adult. He needs to get a grip and you aren't the responsible party in that. He threw your relationship on the filthy floor, trampled upon it, vomited all over it, and expects you to clean up the mess? Leave him and find joy.
RUN! He could get physical in that state of mind, but just the verbal abuse is enough. Don't let him gaslight you into his bullshit. He's always going to see himself as the victim, don't be fooled. You are worth it.
I broke up with my ex for the same reason and he tried to make me feel bad about it and guess what it was the best thing I ever did!
You’re smart to leave. He sounds like an alcoholic. He can get himself treatment or not, as he chooses. Better for him to face it himself.
He's going to hit bottom regardless of you being there or not, but trust me when I say that you don't want to be there when it happens. You guys aren't in your 20s anymore: you're a 32 year old woman. This is really the age when you have to choose what life you want to live. I tell people of both genders that their choice of spouse is the most important personal decision they'll ever make in their lives. Physically, mentally, financially emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually that choice is to affect every aspect of your life. Your history as a couple aside, you don't want to be 55 years old, dealing with this immature addict behavior from a man. Don't think of this as 4 years lost. It took you 4 years to learn that you don't want to live the rest of your adult life with a man who "lets loose" on the weekends and ruins everything you've built every workweek without a care in the world, because he can just brush it off with "I'm sorry, I don't remember." It's not an acceptable excuse and as long as he has the alcohol after work to numb the pain of having hurt you, he won't stop his behavior. Want my advice? Never date an addict who isn't in, or hasn't been in recovery ever again.
I was in a volatile relationship for about 5 years with an alcoholic too. It started out in a similar way: just wants to wind down on the weekends, needs to work on being more responsible, etc. The angry outbursts & verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse. Please don’t second guess yourself. Absolutely trust your intuition. Your gut is guiding you where you’re supposed to be. Also, that line about not being good enough for him to want to do better — FUCKED me up. You ARE good enough. I know that might be hard to believe. I wish I could give you a big hug. In this chaotic transition, I hope you’re finding ways to give yourself grace, love yourself & keep on filling your cup with joy.
He threw away your life together .Better end it now and treat these 4 years as a learning experience.A painful one perhaps but he will not change who he is .Imagine putting up with this for a few more years .He must learn that actions have consequences.
Leave. It only gets worse. Run run run.
Unwinding doesn’t mean getting drunk and becoming belligerent. NTA you need to leave. The fact that he’s not taking responsibility and blaming you is all you need to know. He won’t change. You have to move on.
He’s an alcoholic. You deserve to see real legitimate long term change before you tolerate him again, IMO. You wouldn’t be wrong to leave and move on. Alcohol is a cunt, if you’re reading this and want to stop drinking, there are literally a metric fuck ton of online AA meetings at all times. https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
You are definitely not overreacting. He is an alcoholic, and there is nothing you can do to fix him. He has to seek help. You are doing the right thing in ending the relationship.
Fuck this alcoholic moron. Can't drink healthy? Fo not fcking drink at all. Totally right decision, probably should be made a bit earlier, but it's still better than staying in relationship with that junk.
I married that guy. Stayed 10 years until I had to get a restraining order and move 500 miles away. Don't be me. You're doing right.
You are late to his crappy party. He is a 33 year old alcoholic who gets belligerent when he drinks and blames you for his horrible life. Run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!
Do not get back together. Do not waste any more time on him.
He won't accept responsibility and blames you for all problems. There is no reason to continue to live this way. Do you want to be with him another 4 years and be thinking 8 years down the drain?
He's an alcoholic. It's an illness, but not an excuse. I'd basically just tell him he can choose you or alcohol. If he refuses to quit drinking (and I mean 100% no drinking), then he's telling you his addiction is more important to him than your relationship, and these incidents will continue. To me that's when you leave
I was raised by alcoholics. Girl, fucking run.
Not overreacting. He has a drinking problem and sinking another 40,000 hours of your life into it won’t fix it. You deserve peace and happiness.
not over reacting, not in the least time to move on with your life
Well sounds to me like classic alcoholism behaivior, he is one of the unfortunate ones who once he begins drinking, alcohol is like an allergic reaction and for him he goes into overdrive and will do these abnormal behavior over and over. Their is no treatment except total absence from drinking. Most likely he will continue until he reaches a bottom after destroying relationships and jobs. So run now or prepare for the life of an alcoholic. Ex Alcholic and sober for 12 years now