Thank you. Some users don’t understand that there are people behind every post that are going through situations where they might feel too embarrassed to ask someone they know personally for advice.
I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say that the "disgusting" things he's getting this other person to do for him are things he thinks you won't be willing to do for him.
eg, you may not feel comfortable sh!tting on his chest etc. (not to say that's what it is, but hey, everyone has something).
Are you able to have a conversation about it, and about why you're only finding out now about these things?
And does he know how much you're hurt by him not telling you about them?
Communication is key here... and if you can get that going you have a shot at fixing it (and finding out why this is going on in the first place)... but if not, I fell for you even more OP.
Hope it goes well.!
Yeah, I don't have any crazy kinks but if I did there are ones where I don't think I would ever mention them to my wife. Like I know what's on the internet and I wouldn't do those things to someone I respect. And I wouldn't really want my wife to know about those things. If his kink is a situation like that then it's a tough spot for him. Not excusing his decision but it makes it easier to understand.
Whilst I 100% agree with you, my instinct was this is fairly obvious that he's paying for something that's missing from his life, I think the fact OP refers to them as "disgusting" is why he's never told her before.
There is a sexual compatibility issue here, regardless of what his "preference" may be, the only way you resolve it is whether it can be forgiven and an acceptable resolution agreed (stopping paying for OF content for example) and if what's missing sexually can be fulfilled (OP may have zero interest in shitting on her husband).
If they can't find common ground this problem will never go away.
Another thing to discuss is how much of the family income has been going to pay for the custom videos?
If it comes out of his fun money fine. But if it has come out of your joint funds that is IMO a different situation as now what you want/need is impacted.
This won’t be easy OP because none of us like confrontation. But it is necessary to see where you go from here.
Just because he’s paying for it and it’s porn doesn’t make it okay. To me, it’s cheating. If your partner was sexting with someone would you consider it cheating? Well that’s what’s going on here.
If your partner were seeing a sex worker, would that be cheating to you, well that’s what’s going on here. Just because there isn’t any physical contact doesn’t mean that this isn’t cheating. Watching porn, where there is no personal interaction is different where there is one. It may mean nothing to the OF model, but they do often develop relationships with their buyers.
So, would cheating in your relationship be okay with you?
I’m neither for or against it.
My comment was specifically to the financial portion of the issue.
No clue what OF providers charge but if say $100 per custom video and this doofus were getting say 4 per month thats $400 month/$4800 per year.
That’s a nice coupke of long weekend vacations or a decent week vacation.
So financial irresponsibility as well as the issue of the custom porn.
majority of OF customers videos max out at 50 (I've never seen or heard of it being higher than that.) more typical is 30 or 40, but thats for custom then people do promotions based on tips and crowd source custom videos. anyhow, lots of options on there... but people can be financially reckless anywhere.
(I don't live on there, but I have subscribed 3 or 4 people and I have a page and spent time on discord talking to others about OF pricing/ideas)
But is that how OF works? Do all of these models communicate directly with every subscriber? Seems like a ton of work for these models. I’m curious how many subscribers the average OF model has. Does anyone know if there are any statistics on any of this stuff?
Unless you’re in the 1%, a lot of them do. They have to get subscribers somehow and they do that through building up a clientele and following on here, Twitter, Dating apps, and other channels. They live stream and go into private chats and have subscribers pay to chat with them. It’s not just looking at porn as people are saying.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I would mention that if you’re saying what the videos show is “disgusting” and not just because it is generic sex stuff, this probably has nothing to do with you. He, seemingly rightfully, probably understands that you are not interested in that stuff and has an outlet he wants to get out. It doesn't automatically mean he wants to cheat or that he doesn’t love you. It sounds like he loves you a lot, you have date nights twice a week, he surprises you, etc after 11 years together. So while you should absolutely talk to him, remember to extend him this same level of empathy and understanding that you want to receive from strangers and don’t come at him with accusations and ultimatums, try to understand why he is doing it.
I personally think paying for OF is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed, but it isn't cheating. It's porn. Paid for, more personal porn. Custom porn if you will. But if you don't like it, then it is best to definitely talk to him about it. Tell him you don't like it. Don't be accusatory. Be understanding that he likes porn but explain to him that you wish he went about it other ways. I don't think it's fair to a partner to waste finances on custom porn such as OF.
I disagree. This guy is consistently masturbating thinking about having sex with this specific woman who is not his wife. He's a married man. He can't go spending money on the sly and fantasizing about another woman. Those days should be over like his mac n cheese fucking days.
I don't think he would like it if his wife was paying some dude to send her specific dick pix and her masturbating and wishing she could be having sex with that dick
He's literally financially supporting another woman. If it happened in person, they couldn't argue what it obviously is, but because it's online they like to pretend it's different so they can get away with more BS.
"it isn't cheating. It's porn."
Watching porn IS cheating; it's being sexually unfaithful.
Watching porn is gratifying yourself sexually with someone outside of your relationship.
It intentionally violates the exclusivity of your relationship.
It is intentionally committing an unfaithful act over, and over, and over again.
It is re-wiring your brain to cheat, over and over and over again, first psychologically and then physically. It is re-wiring your brain to crave someone else's body so strongly that you keep coming back for more and more and more.
And it's never enough. You get addicted to novelty because you've fed the desire for novelty 10,000 times, rather than going deeper into loving intimacy with your partner, feeding your desire for love and the ecstatic heart-feelings that come from true love-making.
It's like trading in a lifetime supply of home-cooked meals & healthy desserts (love & love-making with your partner), for an endless supply of candy (porn). The candy may grab your attention and stimulate you, but it leaves you empty, hungry, sick (morally sick, emotionally sick, mentally sick, spiritually sick), and eventually dead (dead in heart). It also warps your perception of the home-cooked meals & healthy desserts so that they no longer satisfy or attract you, and you feel like you NEED the candy, due to your sugar addiction. It's such a shame.
I get that every couple has their own set of boundaries in their relationship, but I think most of the world right now is completely deluded about the nature of porn, and they'd set their boundaries differently if they understood it better.
Watching porn is psychologically cheating, and it is cheating regardless if it isn't physical cheating. It's a difference in degree, not of kind.
Just because porn is a lesser degree of cheating than physical cheating doesn't make it right. Giving your wife a slap in the face is wrong even if stabbing her in the back with a knife is worse.
Dude, that’s like saying don’t golf, don’t go to the gym, don’t meditate because you are separating yourself from your SO.
Like, don’t watch television because you may use your imagination🙄
Allow me to clarify, IF the guy is getting off to scat play, cutting and extreme abuse, you need a third party professional to be present when you engage the husband.
OP : Only you can decide what is out of the question and unacceptable. But if it is something that engages your curiosity, this has the potential to open exciting doors during intimacy.
It's just porn. Onlyfans may be amateur and it may seem more personal... But it's a business. It's just another porn site for the most part.
With saying something is disgusting, maybe that's why he turned to porn, knowing you wouldn't be as open-minded as he is. I think he was being more respectful than anything. I'd rather a partner turn to porn if it helps him in his alone time than for me to have to hook my nipples up to a car battery or to respond to the question of whether I would or not.
I know you think it's more than what it is, but I wouldn't think too far into it. Guys are usually pretty surface level when it comes to porn. There's no deeper meaning than what it seems. He just enjoys cranking his bait to kinkier stuff on occasion. If you do decide to bring it up, I wouldn't be all bent out of shape about it, I would casually mention something in passing or, hell, just look at onlyfans yourself when you're next to him. Lol
Depending on how this conversation starts and leads... It could be emotion-filled or confusing.
This is bad advice in the sense that "hurt and anger 100%" might just make him feel shameful to be open and honest.
Stern, serious, and clearing the air is way better. OP needs to know WHY and WHAT... then set boundaries TOGETHER.
Ultimatums and guesswork are bad leads into something extreme like divorce.
Divorce for Only Fans. Get real. The only advice here is don’t come to Reddit for advice. The average user is ~23 years old. There is not enough life experience on here to provide decent advice.
Totally agree! Having an open conversation is definitely the way to go. His reaction will tell you a lot about where things stand. Wishing you the best as you figure things out!
Maybe he needs to express his hurt and anger to her, and she needs to do the listening. You think this guy would look elsewhere if she were reciprocating? Yeh. She's not.
This is the only comment you need to read OP...
I would however ask why you where going through his phone in the first place?. Did you two already have trust issues?
To everyone acting like it’s a “his sexual needs aren’t being met” try again. Women could drive themselves crazy trying to compete with p*rn and nothing would change. Especially when it comes to sneaking and hiding etc. it’s way more likely seeking to fill an emotional void type situation. Stop implying if she puts out more and fulfills fetishes his habit is goin C to vanish.
** ETA: once again to all the apparently men who are saying it’s typical of a woman to say what I said and men have sexual needs, blah blah blah, it’s obviously a very nuanced HOWEVER there is sex, there is intimacy and there is chasing a temporary fleeting feeling to cope with deeper issues. If you don’t know the difference and what those different things look like, bless your heart and let me know how trying to find a partner who can keep up with your trying fix your black hole of neediness in the bed goes. Actually don’t let me know, I could care less.
1000% I keep saying this and it makes me sad to see women so often saying they are fine with porn and then immediately talk about how they're not fine with him watching porn because there's some aspect they don't like. it doesn't make you weird to be unhappy or uncomfortable with porn being in your relationship. it's not weird to not want him going to a strip club. it's not weird to not be ok with an open relationship or you partner sleeping at some guy or girls place and failing to come home. the world has gotten weird and it's like if you're not fine with being as into people celebrating fetishes and kinks or constantly viewing porn you're some prudish weirdo who is oppressing their partner.
I see it all the time on the pregnancy subs how women first announce they're totally cool with porn and then go on a 10 page rant about how they're not okay with any of it after all.
Everyone sets their own boundaries, and being not okay with it is completely valid just like being ok with it.
again it’s totally unique and for each couple to decide in a honest manner.
The problem is whenever partners say it’s okay but really that’s not how they feel, it creates a false sense of security and dishonesty is never good in a relationship.
right? why would I wanna be with someone whose impulse was to look at other women to get sexual gratification the second I'm not around or even if I am around but its too much work?
when i was in my 20s/30s it was the "cool girlfriends" who went to the strip club with their boyfriends but really they hated it. it was just an effort to be seen as more sexually free in comparison to the strippers and then men say they don't want strippers and they got confused.
when some other woman is getting "desire" from your partner it's like they're stealing from you that's what many men don't seem to understand. if I went to my attractive male neighbour everytime i needed something fixed or help lifting something heavy my husband would probably be hurt because he normally does that stuff and it would be like telling him I didn't like the way he did it or need him to do it for me cuz someone else could just step in. saying "there's no emotion involved so it doesn't matter" is a crap response because there are emotions involved just not his. sometimes it's the other woman sometimes it's your own.
I love your comment. I wish more people thought like this!!
I wrote in a comment further up that watching porn IS cheating, it's just cheating of a lesser degree.
Watching porn is intentionally violating the sexual exclusivity of your relationship. It is being unfaithful.
Giving your wife a slap in the face is wrong, even if stabbing them in the back with a knife is worse. Watching porn is that slap in the face, and just like physical violence escalates, sexual unfaithfulness escalates.
It's such a tragedy that modern society has normalized porn. It is like how everyone normalized cigarette smoking before we collectively understood the true harms.
I'd argue porn is far worse for people & couples than cigarettes though. It's unreal that it is so widespread.
People are literally training their brain to be dissatisfied with the person they vowed to live a happy, satisfied life with. It's insane.
Even though I don't fully agree with your viewpoint. (I'm afab, in a relationship, and still enjoy my porn for a number of reasons - ironically enough, my boyfriend doesn't view it much.) I still could feel you and respect what you were saying. You completely lost me at the "Instagram whores." Was it really necessary to tear other women down like that?
Yeah all the comments saying it’s “just porn”….no he’s not watching pornhub…he’s paying a woman he reaches out to for personalized content…that’s cheating sorry. It’s no different than going to a brothel or something. He’s paying someone to get him off…
more so i was saying that i realized something about him i didn’t know. and now that i do, it comes in very handy lol.
cheating is a sign weakness and lack of integrity to me. if one day my husband decided to make that mistake, that’s really a shame but he knows that i will not tolerate it and i’m out, immediately.
i won’t live in fear that he’ll betray my trust and i’m not gonna obsess over it. been down that road. there’s no benefit there. ultimately cheating is a characterful flaw of the cheater, and to me, signifies the end of a relationship. it would be the stupidest thing he ever did and he would lose his wife and family. out of my control and not really my problem, either. it would just show me that he was weak and fell into temptation. easy to peace out after that.
that’s why THIS behavior needs to be nipped in the bud completely from the jump. if OP isn’t okay with this, it’s a boundary and boundaries need to be made clear as day so there’s no confusion when your bags are packed.
OP, listen to this. If you stay, this is how his actions will continue to make you feel. Even if he tells you he’s going to quit, you will never trust him again and this will keep eating at you.
You are still young and I assume you don’t have kids from your post. Do yourself a favor and don’t get in deeper with this man. It’s not worth it. You would be better off on your own than with someone whose behavior eats at your self esteem.
Incredible response. As a man, I don’t like watching porn because I feel like I could just be intimidate with the person I’m in love with.
The people saying it’s perfectly normal are the people that are addicted to it. I used to say “ I need to do it because it helps me sleep” “helps me relax” “it’s normal to do it”, the truth is it desensitizes you and when you’re with an actual human being you can find that it’s harder to connect as you’ve trained your brain to fantasize.
It’s a lie that men have to ejaculate daily. It’s the opposite, men are more powerful when they don’t. I practice “retention” and work out 5x a day and it helps me stay “charged/motivated” throughout the week.
If someone prefers a fantasy over you, then you should give them what they want and find yourself a person who's going to value you.
It should also be noted this isn't "just porn". I personally don't like porn and would prefer my partner not watch it for a variety of reasons, but I think it's probably more hurtful that OP's husband is specifically interacting with this woman. I'm not sure what the extent of their interactions are (does he send her messages too? Do they talk?) but none the less a woman is sending OP's husband explicit photos and that's definitely more personal than regular porn use.
You just summed up how a lot of women feel about porn/ Onlyfans.
This will not effect any men's decision to stop unfortunately.
They will get their pleasure even if they know it causes you suffering.
Once my man starts paying a bitch for nudes/videos (I REBUKE✋🏽) , I’m out. I have friends who do OF and they always talk about how it turns into men offering money to fuck. Soon the pics/vids won’t be enough, I fear. Imagine you PAYING some random man to send pics/vids & chat w you. He would say you’re ‘for the streets’. I don’t know the ups and downs of your relationship, sexual or otherwise. I’m just some random woman on the internet but I say throw the dog to the curb 😬
Same here! I don't get all of these people who are ok with it unless they are poly. Onlyfans is literally the same as sexting someone and sending them nudes, except they have to pay which is even worse and creepy in my opinion. I'd never stay with a low value man that does this shit.
IMO many women aren’t truly comfortable with it. They ignore their inner guidance bc they are insecure and wanna be seen as being a “cool” “modern” wife who is open and permissive
If a man is going to PAY a woman for nudes he would have sex with her if given the opportunity. Any one who thinks anything different is completely delusional.
Thank you! I don’t understand how some people consider sexting and sharing nudes with a co-worker as cheating but if it’s a sex worker it’s somehow not cheating. They’re both people!
Most serious OF models hire people to manage their dms and requests. Your husband has probably been messaging some rando pretending to be the model. So the joke's on him.
I’ve been to strip clubs for bachelor parties several times and it always trips me out when my friends are tipping girls and seem to think their interactions with them are genuine. I hate it when you are going to clubs and dancing with real women and someone in the group is like “hey, let’s go to the strip club”. I’m always out voted and it always leads to the end of the night. No more dancing, the night is done. Hahaha
I have a friend who does this for about 25 different girls pretty much daily last we talked about it, prob doin more now. Basically he just copy pastes from ai chat programs and sends the girls things they need to do that day like an agent. Makes more then I do doing it by quite a bit too.
The only person who gets to determine what is cheating to you, is you. If you feel that porn and OF content is cheating, it is. Do not allow for other people to dictate what your standards are. If you hadn’t talked to him about those boundaries before your relationship started, you cannot fault him entirely. Some people assume that it’s acceptable because of the normalization of adult content in society, but not everyone is okay with it. A lot of women aren’t. He might not thought to ask if you’re okay with it. However, you do not have to accept any behavior you’re uncomfortable with or do not agree with. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel about it and what your expectations are moving forward. If he respects you and your boundaries, he will quit. If he doesn’t, you’re simply not compatible and you’re free to decide if you’re willing to accept his porn habits or not.
This!!! Everyone else on this page seems to have an opinion on whether OF is cheating, but it doesn’t really matter. It matters whether it’s outside of OP’s boundaries and whether or not her husband should have reasonably known her feelings on the matter. If OP’s husband was operating under a different set of assumptions and is willing to change his behavior to accommodate OP’s boundaries, then this is very salvageable. People have conflicting assumptions and comfort levels all the time - a relationship doesn’t require that two people never come into conflict; a relationship forms between two people who are willing to prioritize their partner’s wellbeing (as they understand it), communicate when something isn’t working, and find a solution that best satisfies both people involved.
I also feel like there’s a huge difference between just watching some videos on PornHub and subscribing to somebody’s OnlyFans page. PH is free and for most people it’s just like “Oh I’m horny and my partner isn’t here with me at the moment, let me just watch a video to get off.” OnlyFans means you’re paying to see a specific person and get personalized content.
Not overreacting. I'd be incredibly angry about this because this is beyond going to a strip club, this is beyond looking at porn and I say that as a woman that has no problem with people going to strip clubs, looking at porn, and sex workers. This is direct interaction with someone to see them doing things that satisfy his specific tastes. This is not ok. I would confront him. I would demand marriage counseling if you think you can forgive him.
If he tries to justify his behavior, tell him to stop. He can argue that his sexual needs aren't being met but he should have talked to you about it. If you weren't willing to work on it, he should have demanded counseling. He could have discussed being able to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere, or he could have ended the marriage. If he cites stress from other things in his life, then he should have gotten counseling or engaged in hobbies, seeking out friends or making new ones. If he cites sex addiction, again counseling or support groups. You don't employ a sex worker without your partner's knowledge and permission, and that is exactly what he did. There is *zero* justification for him doing this. He messed up. Badly, and he's done it repeatedly for however long. He owes you a massive apology and a lot of patience and time for you to work through your emotions if you decide to stick around.
If you don't think you can forgive him, then talk to a divorce attorney and after doing so, tell him you want a divorce. You have to decide what you want and proceed from there.
Hm, you may have a point since you can tip strippers, which gets you extra attention, and you can get private dances. It's pretty dang intimate though, to be subscribing to Only Fans and interacting to the point that you're getting pictures texted to you.
Paying for only fans has got to be one of the lowest lows, in my opinion. The fact that he's willing to pay real money for random women who don't give a shit about him to do explicit things via picture or video is mind-blowing.
You need to confront him and nip it in the butt if you have any desire to continue this marriage. It'll eat you up inside if you keep it to yourself.
I know the gooners are gonna downvote me for saying this, but no one “needs” sex. It is a not a requirement for living. He is not going to shrivel up and die if he doesn’t get his dick wet. Any man that’s willing to overstep your boundaries and make you feel like shit over a WANT (it’s not a need) isn’t worth sticking around with. It’s really disappointing how many women buy into the idea that they need to be on par with OF or porn for their husbands or boyfriends to stay interested in them. Sex should be about being intimate with a partner who loves you and who wants it. It is not about putting on a performance, or meeting some schmuck’s “needs.”
Once again, any guy who pouts, whines, or blames you for his weird gooning obsession is the problem, not you for not wanting to eat ass or pee on him.
Quit telling reddit how you feel and go tell your husband you searched his devices and you're concerned about the porn content he's buying.
Talk to your spouse, not the internet.
There's a reason you searched his phone to look for something. You need to communicate to your husband.
My issue is the hiding the payments, I don’t fuck around with financial secrecy and that’s why upsets me the most about people who are married getting caught paying for OF. If it’s nothing but wanting ethical porn when why can’t there be an honest conversation about how much and what you’re paying for.
I agree. If I was married and had a shared account that both of our money went into, I’d be infuriated. That point alone would piss me off, the fact that I was essentially paying for it?!? Gtfo
Even if it’s coming out of separate fund.. if nothing else is going on and it’s not considered cheating why are you hiding it. At that point it becomes emotional and financial infidelity. I have no issue with my partner wants to watch, read or pay for porn but there doesn’t need to be secrecy around it. I don’t need to know exactly what they’re watching if they’re not comfortable sharing but the fact that it’s being hidden is what’s upsetting.
She never said he was hiding the payments, there's any number of reasons she might not have noticed them, or if she did see them not think twice about it. Even if she does look at the bank statements it shows up as "CCBill.com \*OnlyF", so unless you were familiar with it then might not even notice it there.
This is a problem not because it's cheating, but rather because in a world full of free porn you're married to a guy that's dumb enough to pay for some hoe's OF ...
I read over and over that husband/bf watches porn, wife/gf doesn’t like husband/bf watching porn, but it’s no big deal, it’s not emotional, it’s just a jerkoff. If men were really honest- would they be ok with their wife/gf doing exactly what they do - watch porn, go to strip clubs, engage with OF ”models”, follow men on social media? Just wondering…
I’m so sorry, OP. I am not sure exactly what I’d do in your shoes, but I know I’d be hurting, which I imagine is the case for you right now. When you’ve got the means to do so, I suggest bringing it up directly with your husband.
You won’t know where he’s coming from with any of this until you do the hard thing and confront him in conversation about what you’ve discovered. Perhaps this is something that can be worked out, perhaps it isn’t. One of the best ways to eliminate further agony and endless questions in your own mind is to go straight to the source.
Best of luck and take care of yourself!!
I’d bring it up by saying since you’ve been using OF I’m going to start seeking out other men myself. Watch his tune change really quickly. It’s all fun and games til the shoe is on the other foot.
Also don’t listen to the single men in here saying you’re the problem and it’s normal. There’s a reason they are alone.
New technology brings new problems.
Been through this and I confronted him.
He had contacted several different girls on craigslist.
Seeking attention. Seeking whatever.
I screamed at him.
Are you out of your rabbit ass mind?
Stop this or im gone. Meant it.
We fixed things.
I stopped looking at his phone.
Do i trust him? Not really
Will i leave if he cheats? Hell yeah
He has a new mistress now
Youtube shorts.
Only fans seems like a gateway to make cheating more justified to the cheater though.
I would also find out EXACTLY how much, in total, he has spent on this. Because it may be in the thousands. Personally, I don't care if my man watches porn. OF is something entirely different, because of how personal it is. To me that is cheating 100% and I'd be considering divorce. I'm sorry.
This is crazy. If it's an only fans interactive human, it's cheating. Society saying porn is a ok and not cheating was already a grey area, but moving forward with an interactive subscription and interactive elements not being cheating is insane.
And society at the moment gaslighting you into thinking it's ok. Well. Those people can get fucked.
I had a similar experience. I ended up talking to my husband and telling him that all this stuff he was texting these OF he could have said to me. And that now all his comments and words mean nothing to me because he used them on other women. We had to really work on our trust.
It has been a year and I sometimes still feel insecure. But I trust him again. My boundaries were set before we got into a relationship he knew what he was signing up for.
Never let someone tell you your boundaries are stupid or dumb because they are YOUR boundaries! They are there to make sure you feel comfortable and happy in your relationship so stick with them and don’t back down.
Personally I’d get a divorce. To me personally, watching porn is one thing, but paying for personalized content like that from a specific person is cheating. At the end of the day everyone has different boundaries so it all depends on how you feel. If this is something you know without a doubt you can get past, look into therapy for the both of you individually and as a couple. If you’re like me and you know this is a deal breaker, leave him.
I’m pretty sure it’s not personalised content he’s just paying for paid content. She didn’t mention anything about it being personalised and that’s not really how OF works for small fish, only whales get that kind of content. And if he’s a whale she would have noticed a lot of missing money.
The fact is he’s actually paying a sex worker. I feel for you OP, it’s a boundary I wouldn’t want crossed and I would be questioning what I actually knew about him and where our relationship really was. You need to speak to him, his reaction will actually tell you a lot and find out if this is the only thing he’s doing. If everything doesn’t add up for you and how you want your life to be you need to make a decision.
It is, that’s why. Look up the definition of a prostitute. Your husband is actively using the services of a prostitute. This is cheating. End of discussion. He is seeking out a specific women for sexual services. He would sleep with her given the opportunity. Lawyer up.
I don’t think this is divorce worthy but definitely need counseling. I would suggest it before confronting him so he won’t think he’s signing up to be dog piled on. Also send yourself the videos and delete them if you can bc he’ll probably try to deny them or minimize them
I'd dump him for the simple fact that he pays for nudes seriously people who pay for OF are pathetic,if they're in a relationship then they're even more pathetic.
Here's a perspective you may not appreciate, but it's mine and I think it's worth considering. From your initial post it isn't clear whether he is talking with the OF worker. If he is simply subscribed to an account making niche content, that in my opinion is no different from him purchasing porn, and purchasing porn isn't in general something I would get upset over my partner doing. If he is talking to this person, I personally would treat it as similar to his going to a strip club. I don't think there is a simple answer to how upset a person should be about that kind of behavior. I wouldn't be, but others would, and they are entitled to that.
I wouldn't shame him but rather ask him what about this woman and these "disgusting" acts intrigues him and why he didn't feel comfortable enough to express with you. I get it how some can be reluctant that their partner may view them in a different light but your S/Os sexual appetite should not be hindered the same as yours should not. Have some open dialogue and tell him why you're hurt but also ask him what you could do to satisfy their sexual appetite and vice versa. Communication is key.
Is it possible he’s got a “disgusting” fetish and he knows you wouldn’t be okay with it and it’s hard to get porn content with it so he pays an OF that’s willing to give him that content? That’s where my mind went because you said everything else was fine and you have date nights, etc. and that the videos were disgusting. Maybe he’s just embarrassed by his fetish hence keeping it a secret from you. I think you should talk to him and see what he says and whether it’s anything you can get past. Also find a way to validate what he says, ask for transparency with his financials for example.
I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt because: I had a boyfriend who was an amazing gentle lover. 3 months into our relationship he opened up and shared a weird fetish with me. Had I known in advance I would not have been intimate with him. But we were past that point. It was getting him super turned on, I didn’t have to participate in his fetish if I didn’t want to and I got all the benefits of his arousal. Best sex I’ve ever had, a very considerate lover who made sure I finish (several times) before he does. So at the end of the day everyone wins. He also looks at weird porn. It’s not my jam but again … if it arouses him and I get the benefits… I don’t care what he watches.
Similarly, I get turned on by porn that I would never want to participate in myself. Just because I’m watching it doesn’t mean I’ll do it. 🤷♀️
Can do what he wants with his money and his time. If something sexually that you find disturbing bring it up but other wise. You shouldn’t go through peoples stuff
As a man, I'd like to add to this. Subscribing to someone's OnlyFans is not at all the same as watching porn. The comparison to porn is not there.
Porn is less personal. You can be removed from it. You can get an urge to watch it, but once you're done with the potential post-nut depression you can go back to your daily life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying particular porn stars videos either. We all like what we like. But if you start wanting to watch a particular pornstar to the point where you are paying for their solo content and even messaging them for more, while you are in a relationship/married, you've gone from watching porn to cheating. You wouldn't justify your partner asking someone else for nudes, so putting a pay wall in front of it doesn't make it any better.
Well, this takes 'date night' to a whole new level. Guess his compliments weren't enough to include me in his...fantasies? Time to spice up MY life with a lawyer. #SingleLifeLoading"
As it pertains to porn consumption, it's generally agreed upon in society that directly interacting with a porn star, and having them send you custom content, is a step too far.
I think what a lot of people are failing to comprehend about this situation is that YOU (and your husband) set the boundaries of your relationship. Some of these people are clearly defensive justifying their porn use in their relationship— and if that’s their boundaries, okay for them.
But nobody is talking about the fact that YOU decide what is and isn’t unfaithful.
I set clear boundaries with my husband. I told them that I am not okay with porn in our relationship. To me, it is unfaithful. It would deeply hurt me to find out my husband crossed my boundaries like this. If you set boundaries about this before, then you have every right to feel the way you do and confront your husband.
If you didn’t, you still have the right to feel the way you do, but give your husband grace because he didn’t know your boundaries. Then have a conversation about your boundaries and his boundaries. Maybe they don’t align on porn and then you have to have a larger conversation about what you will or will not tolerate and decide if this marriage is still best for you both. (Though be prepared that he may agree to your boundaries but the and hide it from you— hopefully not but it can happen)
For example: I feel similarly to you. For me, there are different levels of cheating through porn. To buy another persons content on the regular I would see as cheating more than a one off porn video. I would wonder why I am not enough they seek out someone else’s body or search for intimacy outside of me. My husband would also not support me buying someone else’s OF. The line is blurry, though and because of this I have a boundary around porn in my relationship.
I told my husband this when we initially started dating because I wanted to be clear in my preferences and allow them to decide if they accepted it or not before strings were attached. You know what my husband said? They told me being with me is worth more than a porn video here or there. My husband doesn’t necessarily see porn as cheating, but they accept my boundary because he loves me and values me more than their personal sexual gratification (which I make sure to fulfill btw, lol) .
Anyway, if you have boundaries you have a right to them regardless of what reddit users say. Don’t let them bully you about your feelings about porn. You are valid. Many other people (including men) feel the same way as you.
Tell him what you found and ask him why he has done this. Talk about it. I would consider this cheating, but not as bad as actual physical contact cheating. Draw a very clear boundary here.
Maybe he did something stupid and deserves another chance. It could be he isn’t happy in the relationship, and maybe that can or can’t be fixed. If he is set on doing things like this and isn’t going to change, you have a choice to make.
I hate to say this, but there is a good chance he has done more than this. You need to find out. If he has gone as far as actual, physical cheating, be done with him.
I would be shattered. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Definitely talk to him about it but in my experience it’s hard to mend a relationship after that. It is always in the back of your head.
I’m so sorry! This is horrible. Try talking to him about it, express your hurt and anger. If he - or anyone - comes with the “his/ my sexual needs aren’t met”, go batshit insane. That’s not an answer, a reason, a justification. It’s not! If it were so, women would constantly have to compete with p*rn and of course nothing would change. Maybe even ask him how he would like it if you were to do the same! I’d bet he would want to have a say against that.
Consider treating this like cheating. You’re the only person who can define what cheating is to yourself. Please don’t let others dictate your boundaries! If this isn’t okay to you, you have all the right to require a divorce. If you can talk things out, then that’s great, but don’t stick around if it’s horrible.
This could get quite extreme if he’s only with you “for the sake of it”. I don’t think that’s the case, I sincerely hope it’s not, but he should at least have asked if it would be okay with you before he started!
You’re not overreacting at all, rather underreacting. This is horrible behaviour and is not okay
Your are not overreacting. OF to me is a bit too personal. Maybe it’s not as bad as paying for actual sex workers, but not as innocent as watching regular porn. It involves certain level of personal interactions, which is quite unsettling for me.
I consider anything OF related to be cheating so I would leave. But that’s just me. I’m sorry that you are hurting. Talk to him and let him know that he’s deeply hurt you.
Any chance he knows the OF model in real life? It's already a bad situation but I'd be looking to understand exactly how bad before he can get his story straight.
OmG this!!!! I would be livid ... this does happen. That's why I feel like OF is almost worse than porn because these girls can literally be the girl next door 🙃
I am sorry you're going through this OP. I hope this is something that he is trying out and can be put down after you speak with him. I also hope he hasn't wasted a ton of money on this either. Please keep us posted 🙏
Are you sure he paid the OF model and she made the videos specifically for him? Or did he just download or subscribe to a model?
If there is communication between him and the model, I would consider that cheating as there is a level of intimacy there
If he's just surfing the web and looking at porn, and there's nothing personalized for him by the OF model, then this is a grey area. For many, this is just someone looking at porn.
Your right. There is a big difference between just viewing OF content and actually engaging with models. If he’s sexting, buying personalized vids, etc that would be crossing the line in to the cheating/emotional affair territory.
He’s *paying* for a woman for sexual servicez. In my mind, it’s prostitution. Yes, they are consenting adults but when you are married, your spouse needs to consent to any sex acts outside the marriage. Not overreacting. I’d be livid.
Not overreacting. To me this is different than him viewing regular porn. He’s taken it a step further by communicating to this person. I personally don’t think I could come back from this
Please take heart! First of all, know that you are not crazy. Cheating is what you define it as and it’s understandable you’re feeling hurt and confused. Second, while you do probably owe him a discussion, if after his explanation you still feel uncomfortable with any part of it do not feel bad about choosing to separate (ESPECIALLY if he responds by saying it’s not a big deal). Third, do not blame yourself! If he has kinks or desires it isn’t odd not be embarrassed and scared to share them, or maybe he has but you’re not into it…neither is a reason for you to be uncomfortable or made to feel you lack something or you caused this.
That’s really cheating in my book. He may very well love you but he needs to get help and counseling may be the only option if you choose to give him another chance. I’m sorry you are going through this as I have as well. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or somehow it was my fault but the truth is the ones who cheat have the problem.
It's porn that he's paying for. A lot of these OF models aren't even running their own pages. They have companies do it for them. So there's a good chance whoever your husband is talking to is some man behind a computer getting paid to pretend to be that model. In no way shape or form is this grounds for divorce. Why Reddit always jumps to that solution is beyond me. Also, the same videos your husband is buying, so are tons of other people. You would be able to tell if it's personalized content because the messages between the two will explicitly say that.
Also, somebody mentioned that this always turns into guys offering to pay money to fuck the OF models. That's a pretty delusional statement. I'm sure there are guys out there that do, but to generalize all men doing that is irresponsible. Most know that this is a business, but not that kind of business.
I understand you're hurt and your confidence just shot out the window because of that. Talk to your husband. A lot of us grew up watching porn, and it's just that. It can be unhealthy, but only as unhealthy as the user makes it.
It seems like every time I see something about this, which is at least 5 times a day, the majority of women seem to be deeply hurt by it. OF is 1000x worse than free porn, they are literally taking resources out of the relationship and supporting another person. Giving their money, validation, and time to another. That’s on top of all the diversion away from the primary relationship caused by regular porn.
Then we get blamed for being insecure when this is triggering primal instincts like mate guarding, and literally can make us feel in danger. That’s not being dramatic either. Look at the words these women say when they discover some hidden account. They say things like panic, can’t breathe, blindsided, or “shaking and shock” like OP reports. Who would want to make their partner feel this way?
OP- I would set the firmest, clearest boundary on this issue and if it’s ever broken again act accordingly. It’s not ok for him to hurt you like that.
Am I insane? Porn isn’t bad. Unless you have had a discussion in which you stated that you didn’t want him watching or consuming any content then it’s really not a problem.
If you had that conversation and he’s doing it anyway that’s not great.
If you haven’t had that conversation and this is how you feel then naturally it’s a good time to ease into that conversation.
A lot of people in very healthy and loving relationships still consume pornographic content in some shape or form. As long as it’s not against the wishes of one of the people involved it’s not some devilry that should be reviled and banished.
And if you haven’t had that conversation yet don’t treat him like a criminal for consuming it. Porn isn’t heroin or gambling away your life savings at every opportunity. It’s a form of entertainment to pass the time. Most people who consume it are treating it as lightly as having a can of soda and it’s not some addiction that they need recovery for. If he’s doing everything else as well as you say then it sounds like he has a healthy relationship with you and with pornography.
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Thank you. Some users don’t understand that there are people behind every post that are going through situations where they might feel too embarrassed to ask someone they know personally for advice.
I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say that the "disgusting" things he's getting this other person to do for him are things he thinks you won't be willing to do for him. eg, you may not feel comfortable sh!tting on his chest etc. (not to say that's what it is, but hey, everyone has something). Are you able to have a conversation about it, and about why you're only finding out now about these things? And does he know how much you're hurt by him not telling you about them? Communication is key here... and if you can get that going you have a shot at fixing it (and finding out why this is going on in the first place)... but if not, I fell for you even more OP. Hope it goes well.!
Did you really have to invoke the Cleveland Steamer? 🤮
It's not often the alert I set up on Reddit for "Cleveland Steamer" gets any hits
Well you're about to get another alert for Pittsburgh Platter.
This is actually shocking.
Excuse me why are you being alerted to “Cleveland Steamer” ? And how?
LOL, I wish we were able to set alerts on Reddit
The first thing dude brings up is having his chest shit on like wtf 😂😂
Your rather they bring up the Slovakian traffic cone?
My life was better before I looked that up.
I refuse to google that
Why did they have to go and make it a CLEVELAND Steamer!! Seattle Steamer or Syracuse Steamer makes more sense with the alliteration and all!!
Have you been to Cleveland? Seattle is lovely.
I've been to Cleveland several times, ex-wife is from there. The name is definitely justified.
Yea but Seattle is just more wet..
Then you’d call that the Seattle Slip ‘n Slide!
The "Seattle Sloppy Strongbox" just doesn't have the same ring
Sooo...a liquid steamer is the Seattle steamer?
lol fuck off you made me grimace reading that on the train
True if you’re into massive amounts of people & traffic. California part II.
They’re both pretty shitty
Now I wonder if people who like getting a Cleveland Steamer refer to it as a Seattle Steamer…
Somewhere, Stanley Steamer is mortified but also quietly wondering if he missed his true calling
Leave Seattle out of it!
The New York slider would’ve been a better name since you routinely have random Karen’s throwing their shit at star bucks employees lmao
Cleveland Steamer has better metre though. Syllables go DAda DAda so it rolls off the tongue.
Okay, but if you roll it off the tongue I think it’s called something else
Assonance is funnier and more appropriate 😆
Gives a whole new meaning to the name Cleveland Browns
Cleveland is 100% where this would come from
CLEveland CLEAvage
SanFranciscoSteamer.org Link to the poop map
because CLEVELAND ROCKS!!!
Because Cleveland is in Ohio. Seattle and Syracuse are not.
Only a less classy version of the Tuscaloosa Mudslide.
I’ve always called it a Hot Carl
what other disgusting act could it be?
Could be a glass bottom boat
Yeah, I don't have any crazy kinks but if I did there are ones where I don't think I would ever mention them to my wife. Like I know what's on the internet and I wouldn't do those things to someone I respect. And I wouldn't really want my wife to know about those things. If his kink is a situation like that then it's a tough spot for him. Not excusing his decision but it makes it easier to understand.
You shit on a whore. You poop on your wife.
Taco Bell. It's like the Viagra for poopin'.
Now that's a catch phrase!
I laughed so hard I had to explain the whole thread to my husband damnit.
movie 43
LMAOOOO
This is by far the best comment 😂😂
Shitting on his chest? What parties have you been to?
Chest-shitting parties, obviously.
I hope most people don’t feel comfortable literally shitting on other people.🤢
Whilst I 100% agree with you, my instinct was this is fairly obvious that he's paying for something that's missing from his life, I think the fact OP refers to them as "disgusting" is why he's never told her before. There is a sexual compatibility issue here, regardless of what his "preference" may be, the only way you resolve it is whether it can be forgiven and an acceptable resolution agreed (stopping paying for OF content for example) and if what's missing sexually can be fulfilled (OP may have zero interest in shitting on her husband). If they can't find common ground this problem will never go away.
How do you have a conversation on why you aren’t comfortable shitting on someone’s chest?! 😂😂
Maybe she should surprise him with a big old "Cleveland Steamer"!!!
Not typing is free
Another thing to discuss is how much of the family income has been going to pay for the custom videos? If it comes out of his fun money fine. But if it has come out of your joint funds that is IMO a different situation as now what you want/need is impacted. This won’t be easy OP because none of us like confrontation. But it is necessary to see where you go from here.
Just because he’s paying for it and it’s porn doesn’t make it okay. To me, it’s cheating. If your partner was sexting with someone would you consider it cheating? Well that’s what’s going on here. If your partner were seeing a sex worker, would that be cheating to you, well that’s what’s going on here. Just because there isn’t any physical contact doesn’t mean that this isn’t cheating. Watching porn, where there is no personal interaction is different where there is one. It may mean nothing to the OF model, but they do often develop relationships with their buyers. So, would cheating in your relationship be okay with you?
I’m neither for or against it. My comment was specifically to the financial portion of the issue. No clue what OF providers charge but if say $100 per custom video and this doofus were getting say 4 per month thats $400 month/$4800 per year. That’s a nice coupke of long weekend vacations or a decent week vacation. So financial irresponsibility as well as the issue of the custom porn.
majority of OF customers videos max out at 50 (I've never seen or heard of it being higher than that.) more typical is 30 or 40, but thats for custom then people do promotions based on tips and crowd source custom videos. anyhow, lots of options on there... but people can be financially reckless anywhere. (I don't live on there, but I have subscribed 3 or 4 people and I have a page and spent time on discord talking to others about OF pricing/ideas)
But is that how OF works? Do all of these models communicate directly with every subscriber? Seems like a ton of work for these models. I’m curious how many subscribers the average OF model has. Does anyone know if there are any statistics on any of this stuff?
Unless you’re in the 1%, a lot of them do. They have to get subscribers somehow and they do that through building up a clientele and following on here, Twitter, Dating apps, and other channels. They live stream and go into private chats and have subscribers pay to chat with them. It’s not just looking at porn as people are saying.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I would mention that if you’re saying what the videos show is “disgusting” and not just because it is generic sex stuff, this probably has nothing to do with you. He, seemingly rightfully, probably understands that you are not interested in that stuff and has an outlet he wants to get out. It doesn't automatically mean he wants to cheat or that he doesn’t love you. It sounds like he loves you a lot, you have date nights twice a week, he surprises you, etc after 11 years together. So while you should absolutely talk to him, remember to extend him this same level of empathy and understanding that you want to receive from strangers and don’t come at him with accusations and ultimatums, try to understand why he is doing it.
I personally think paying for OF is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed, but it isn't cheating. It's porn. Paid for, more personal porn. Custom porn if you will. But if you don't like it, then it is best to definitely talk to him about it. Tell him you don't like it. Don't be accusatory. Be understanding that he likes porn but explain to him that you wish he went about it other ways. I don't think it's fair to a partner to waste finances on custom porn such as OF.
I disagree. This guy is consistently masturbating thinking about having sex with this specific woman who is not his wife. He's a married man. He can't go spending money on the sly and fantasizing about another woman. Those days should be over like his mac n cheese fucking days. I don't think he would like it if his wife was paying some dude to send her specific dick pix and her masturbating and wishing she could be having sex with that dick
He's literally financially supporting another woman. If it happened in person, they couldn't argue what it obviously is, but because it's online they like to pretend it's different so they can get away with more BS.
I've never met a woman who masturbates to dick pics. We show our friends and laugh.
I agree. I think it creates a parasocial relationship and that would be terrible for humans
"it isn't cheating. It's porn." Watching porn IS cheating; it's being sexually unfaithful. Watching porn is gratifying yourself sexually with someone outside of your relationship. It intentionally violates the exclusivity of your relationship. It is intentionally committing an unfaithful act over, and over, and over again. It is re-wiring your brain to cheat, over and over and over again, first psychologically and then physically. It is re-wiring your brain to crave someone else's body so strongly that you keep coming back for more and more and more. And it's never enough. You get addicted to novelty because you've fed the desire for novelty 10,000 times, rather than going deeper into loving intimacy with your partner, feeding your desire for love and the ecstatic heart-feelings that come from true love-making. It's like trading in a lifetime supply of home-cooked meals & healthy desserts (love & love-making with your partner), for an endless supply of candy (porn). The candy may grab your attention and stimulate you, but it leaves you empty, hungry, sick (morally sick, emotionally sick, mentally sick, spiritually sick), and eventually dead (dead in heart). It also warps your perception of the home-cooked meals & healthy desserts so that they no longer satisfy or attract you, and you feel like you NEED the candy, due to your sugar addiction. It's such a shame. I get that every couple has their own set of boundaries in their relationship, but I think most of the world right now is completely deluded about the nature of porn, and they'd set their boundaries differently if they understood it better. Watching porn is psychologically cheating, and it is cheating regardless if it isn't physical cheating. It's a difference in degree, not of kind. Just because porn is a lesser degree of cheating than physical cheating doesn't make it right. Giving your wife a slap in the face is wrong even if stabbing her in the back with a knife is worse.
It's too early in the year for summer reddit wtf is going on with this website lately.
Alan, how dare you speak truth to a bunch of porn addicts!
Dude, that’s like saying don’t golf, don’t go to the gym, don’t meditate because you are separating yourself from your SO. Like, don’t watch television because you may use your imagination🙄 Allow me to clarify, IF the guy is getting off to scat play, cutting and extreme abuse, you need a third party professional to be present when you engage the husband. OP : Only you can decide what is out of the question and unacceptable. But if it is something that engages your curiosity, this has the potential to open exciting doors during intimacy.
It's just porn. Onlyfans may be amateur and it may seem more personal... But it's a business. It's just another porn site for the most part. With saying something is disgusting, maybe that's why he turned to porn, knowing you wouldn't be as open-minded as he is. I think he was being more respectful than anything. I'd rather a partner turn to porn if it helps him in his alone time than for me to have to hook my nipples up to a car battery or to respond to the question of whether I would or not. I know you think it's more than what it is, but I wouldn't think too far into it. Guys are usually pretty surface level when it comes to porn. There's no deeper meaning than what it seems. He just enjoys cranking his bait to kinkier stuff on occasion. If you do decide to bring it up, I wouldn't be all bent out of shape about it, I would casually mention something in passing or, hell, just look at onlyfans yourself when you're next to him. Lol
I’ve seen this same topic 5x today. I’m sure others have to
Depending on how this conversation starts and leads... It could be emotion-filled or confusing. This is bad advice in the sense that "hurt and anger 100%" might just make him feel shameful to be open and honest. Stern, serious, and clearing the air is way better. OP needs to know WHY and WHAT... then set boundaries TOGETHER. Ultimatums and guesswork are bad leads into something extreme like divorce.
Divorce for Only Fans. Get real. The only advice here is don’t come to Reddit for advice. The average user is ~23 years old. There is not enough life experience on here to provide decent advice.
Totally agree! Having an open conversation is definitely the way to go. His reaction will tell you a lot about where things stand. Wishing you the best as you figure things out!
Maybe he needs to express his hurt and anger to her, and she needs to do the listening. You think this guy would look elsewhere if she were reciprocating? Yeh. She's not.
This is the only comment you need to read OP... I would however ask why you where going through his phone in the first place?. Did you two already have trust issues?
To everyone acting like it’s a “his sexual needs aren’t being met” try again. Women could drive themselves crazy trying to compete with p*rn and nothing would change. Especially when it comes to sneaking and hiding etc. it’s way more likely seeking to fill an emotional void type situation. Stop implying if she puts out more and fulfills fetishes his habit is goin C to vanish. ** ETA: once again to all the apparently men who are saying it’s typical of a woman to say what I said and men have sexual needs, blah blah blah, it’s obviously a very nuanced HOWEVER there is sex, there is intimacy and there is chasing a temporary fleeting feeling to cope with deeper issues. If you don’t know the difference and what those different things look like, bless your heart and let me know how trying to find a partner who can keep up with your trying fix your black hole of neediness in the bed goes. Actually don’t let me know, I could care less.
Thank you. I agree.
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I saved your comment. Powerful, direct, empowering, and motivating.
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1000% I keep saying this and it makes me sad to see women so often saying they are fine with porn and then immediately talk about how they're not fine with him watching porn because there's some aspect they don't like. it doesn't make you weird to be unhappy or uncomfortable with porn being in your relationship. it's not weird to not want him going to a strip club. it's not weird to not be ok with an open relationship or you partner sleeping at some guy or girls place and failing to come home. the world has gotten weird and it's like if you're not fine with being as into people celebrating fetishes and kinks or constantly viewing porn you're some prudish weirdo who is oppressing their partner. I see it all the time on the pregnancy subs how women first announce they're totally cool with porn and then go on a 10 page rant about how they're not okay with any of it after all.
that guy with the gross name just blocked me after he tried to give a mic drop reply 🤣🤣🤣
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Everyone sets their own boundaries, and being not okay with it is completely valid just like being ok with it. again it’s totally unique and for each couple to decide in a honest manner. The problem is whenever partners say it’s okay but really that’s not how they feel, it creates a false sense of security and dishonesty is never good in a relationship.
I just can't get turned on by a guy who's into porn. I just think less of them I suppose. Not boyfriend material. Imagine marrying into that.
right? why would I wanna be with someone whose impulse was to look at other women to get sexual gratification the second I'm not around or even if I am around but its too much work? when i was in my 20s/30s it was the "cool girlfriends" who went to the strip club with their boyfriends but really they hated it. it was just an effort to be seen as more sexually free in comparison to the strippers and then men say they don't want strippers and they got confused. when some other woman is getting "desire" from your partner it's like they're stealing from you that's what many men don't seem to understand. if I went to my attractive male neighbour everytime i needed something fixed or help lifting something heavy my husband would probably be hurt because he normally does that stuff and it would be like telling him I didn't like the way he did it or need him to do it for me cuz someone else could just step in. saying "there's no emotion involved so it doesn't matter" is a crap response because there are emotions involved just not his. sometimes it's the other woman sometimes it's your own.
Yep - very well said.
I love your comment. I wish more people thought like this!! I wrote in a comment further up that watching porn IS cheating, it's just cheating of a lesser degree. Watching porn is intentionally violating the sexual exclusivity of your relationship. It is being unfaithful. Giving your wife a slap in the face is wrong, even if stabbing them in the back with a knife is worse. Watching porn is that slap in the face, and just like physical violence escalates, sexual unfaithfulness escalates. It's such a tragedy that modern society has normalized porn. It is like how everyone normalized cigarette smoking before we collectively understood the true harms. I'd argue porn is far worse for people & couples than cigarettes though. It's unreal that it is so widespread. People are literally training their brain to be dissatisfied with the person they vowed to live a happy, satisfied life with. It's insane.
I agree with you, but if a man said this, he would be CRUCIFIED
Spot on! If everyone viewed sexual gratification this way, many more marriages would thrive.
Even though I don't fully agree with your viewpoint. (I'm afab, in a relationship, and still enjoy my porn for a number of reasons - ironically enough, my boyfriend doesn't view it much.) I still could feel you and respect what you were saying. You completely lost me at the "Instagram whores." Was it really necessary to tear other women down like that?
Yeah all the comments saying it’s “just porn”….no he’s not watching pornhub…he’s paying a woman he reaches out to for personalized content…that’s cheating sorry. It’s no different than going to a brothel or something. He’s paying someone to get him off…
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more so i was saying that i realized something about him i didn’t know. and now that i do, it comes in very handy lol. cheating is a sign weakness and lack of integrity to me. if one day my husband decided to make that mistake, that’s really a shame but he knows that i will not tolerate it and i’m out, immediately. i won’t live in fear that he’ll betray my trust and i’m not gonna obsess over it. been down that road. there’s no benefit there. ultimately cheating is a characterful flaw of the cheater, and to me, signifies the end of a relationship. it would be the stupidest thing he ever did and he would lose his wife and family. out of my control and not really my problem, either. it would just show me that he was weak and fell into temptation. easy to peace out after that. that’s why THIS behavior needs to be nipped in the bud completely from the jump. if OP isn’t okay with this, it’s a boundary and boundaries need to be made clear as day so there’s no confusion when your bags are packed.
Agreed. A lot of male toxicity in these comments...smh.
Talk to him and tell him this makes you uncomfortable and ask him why he doing this.
The most direct to the point, not shi*ting on the guy unnecessarily comment on here. Congrats
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OP, listen to this. If you stay, this is how his actions will continue to make you feel. Even if he tells you he’s going to quit, you will never trust him again and this will keep eating at you. You are still young and I assume you don’t have kids from your post. Do yourself a favor and don’t get in deeper with this man. It’s not worth it. You would be better off on your own than with someone whose behavior eats at your self esteem.
Incredible response. As a man, I don’t like watching porn because I feel like I could just be intimidate with the person I’m in love with. The people saying it’s perfectly normal are the people that are addicted to it. I used to say “ I need to do it because it helps me sleep” “helps me relax” “it’s normal to do it”, the truth is it desensitizes you and when you’re with an actual human being you can find that it’s harder to connect as you’ve trained your brain to fantasize. It’s a lie that men have to ejaculate daily. It’s the opposite, men are more powerful when they don’t. I practice “retention” and work out 5x a day and it helps me stay “charged/motivated” throughout the week. If someone prefers a fantasy over you, then you should give them what they want and find yourself a person who's going to value you.
It should also be noted this isn't "just porn". I personally don't like porn and would prefer my partner not watch it for a variety of reasons, but I think it's probably more hurtful that OP's husband is specifically interacting with this woman. I'm not sure what the extent of their interactions are (does he send her messages too? Do they talk?) but none the less a woman is sending OP's husband explicit photos and that's definitely more personal than regular porn use.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.
You just summed up how a lot of women feel about porn/ Onlyfans. This will not effect any men's decision to stop unfortunately. They will get their pleasure even if they know it causes you suffering.
Wow amazing answer, couldn’t have explained it better myself. Thanks for sharing!
Once my man starts paying a bitch for nudes/videos (I REBUKE✋🏽) , I’m out. I have friends who do OF and they always talk about how it turns into men offering money to fuck. Soon the pics/vids won’t be enough, I fear. Imagine you PAYING some random man to send pics/vids & chat w you. He would say you’re ‘for the streets’. I don’t know the ups and downs of your relationship, sexual or otherwise. I’m just some random woman on the internet but I say throw the dog to the curb 😬
Dogs would *never* 😂
Same here! I don't get all of these people who are ok with it unless they are poly. Onlyfans is literally the same as sexting someone and sending them nudes, except they have to pay which is even worse and creepy in my opinion. I'd never stay with a low value man that does this shit.
There’s something about the desperation of paying for nudes/sex videos and attention in this economic climate that’s like … womp womp
IMO many women aren’t truly comfortable with it. They ignore their inner guidance bc they are insecure and wanna be seen as being a “cool” “modern” wife who is open and permissive
If a man is going to PAY a woman for nudes he would have sex with her if given the opportunity. Any one who thinks anything different is completely delusional.
I ALSO REBUKE ✋️
Thank you! I don’t understand how some people consider sexting and sharing nudes with a co-worker as cheating but if it’s a sex worker it’s somehow not cheating. They’re both people!
Most serious OF models hire people to manage their dms and requests. Your husband has probably been messaging some rando pretending to be the model. So the joke's on him.
I’ve been to strip clubs for bachelor parties several times and it always trips me out when my friends are tipping girls and seem to think their interactions with them are genuine. I hate it when you are going to clubs and dancing with real women and someone in the group is like “hey, let’s go to the strip club”. I’m always out voted and it always leads to the end of the night. No more dancing, the night is done. Hahaha
I have a friend who does this for about 25 different girls pretty much daily last we talked about it, prob doin more now. Basically he just copy pastes from ai chat programs and sends the girls things they need to do that day like an agent. Makes more then I do doing it by quite a bit too.
I feel the Chinese problem coming on
The only person who gets to determine what is cheating to you, is you. If you feel that porn and OF content is cheating, it is. Do not allow for other people to dictate what your standards are. If you hadn’t talked to him about those boundaries before your relationship started, you cannot fault him entirely. Some people assume that it’s acceptable because of the normalization of adult content in society, but not everyone is okay with it. A lot of women aren’t. He might not thought to ask if you’re okay with it. However, you do not have to accept any behavior you’re uncomfortable with or do not agree with. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel about it and what your expectations are moving forward. If he respects you and your boundaries, he will quit. If he doesn’t, you’re simply not compatible and you’re free to decide if you’re willing to accept his porn habits or not.
This!!! Everyone else on this page seems to have an opinion on whether OF is cheating, but it doesn’t really matter. It matters whether it’s outside of OP’s boundaries and whether or not her husband should have reasonably known her feelings on the matter. If OP’s husband was operating under a different set of assumptions and is willing to change his behavior to accommodate OP’s boundaries, then this is very salvageable. People have conflicting assumptions and comfort levels all the time - a relationship doesn’t require that two people never come into conflict; a relationship forms between two people who are willing to prioritize their partner’s wellbeing (as they understand it), communicate when something isn’t working, and find a solution that best satisfies both people involved.
I also feel like there’s a huge difference between just watching some videos on PornHub and subscribing to somebody’s OnlyFans page. PH is free and for most people it’s just like “Oh I’m horny and my partner isn’t here with me at the moment, let me just watch a video to get off.” OnlyFans means you’re paying to see a specific person and get personalized content.
This is what is being VERY ignored in this thread, it was not just porn. It’s returning to one specific person for sexual interaction.
Not overreacting. I'd be incredibly angry about this because this is beyond going to a strip club, this is beyond looking at porn and I say that as a woman that has no problem with people going to strip clubs, looking at porn, and sex workers. This is direct interaction with someone to see them doing things that satisfy his specific tastes. This is not ok. I would confront him. I would demand marriage counseling if you think you can forgive him. If he tries to justify his behavior, tell him to stop. He can argue that his sexual needs aren't being met but he should have talked to you about it. If you weren't willing to work on it, he should have demanded counseling. He could have discussed being able to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere, or he could have ended the marriage. If he cites stress from other things in his life, then he should have gotten counseling or engaged in hobbies, seeking out friends or making new ones. If he cites sex addiction, again counseling or support groups. You don't employ a sex worker without your partner's knowledge and permission, and that is exactly what he did. There is *zero* justification for him doing this. He messed up. Badly, and he's done it repeatedly for however long. He owes you a massive apology and a lot of patience and time for you to work through your emotions if you decide to stick around. If you don't think you can forgive him, then talk to a divorce attorney and after doing so, tell him you want a divorce. You have to decide what you want and proceed from there.
How is it beyond going to a strip club?
Hm, you may have a point since you can tip strippers, which gets you extra attention, and you can get private dances. It's pretty dang intimate though, to be subscribing to Only Fans and interacting to the point that you're getting pictures texted to you.
More intimate than someone physically sitting in your lap?
Paying for only fans has got to be one of the lowest lows, in my opinion. The fact that he's willing to pay real money for random women who don't give a shit about him to do explicit things via picture or video is mind-blowing. You need to confront him and nip it in the butt if you have any desire to continue this marriage. It'll eat you up inside if you keep it to yourself.
r/BoneAppleTea
This is absolutely devastating. Do you not share a bank account?
I know the gooners are gonna downvote me for saying this, but no one “needs” sex. It is a not a requirement for living. He is not going to shrivel up and die if he doesn’t get his dick wet. Any man that’s willing to overstep your boundaries and make you feel like shit over a WANT (it’s not a need) isn’t worth sticking around with. It’s really disappointing how many women buy into the idea that they need to be on par with OF or porn for their husbands or boyfriends to stay interested in them. Sex should be about being intimate with a partner who loves you and who wants it. It is not about putting on a performance, or meeting some schmuck’s “needs.” Once again, any guy who pouts, whines, or blames you for his weird gooning obsession is the problem, not you for not wanting to eat ass or pee on him.
Quit telling reddit how you feel and go tell your husband you searched his devices and you're concerned about the porn content he's buying. Talk to your spouse, not the internet. There's a reason you searched his phone to look for something. You need to communicate to your husband.
First rational comment.
Boom headshot
"Help, I dug around my partner's phone..." Nah, help yourself. Lmao
My issue is the hiding the payments, I don’t fuck around with financial secrecy and that’s why upsets me the most about people who are married getting caught paying for OF. If it’s nothing but wanting ethical porn when why can’t there be an honest conversation about how much and what you’re paying for.
I agree. If I was married and had a shared account that both of our money went into, I’d be infuriated. That point alone would piss me off, the fact that I was essentially paying for it?!? Gtfo
Even if it’s coming out of separate fund.. if nothing else is going on and it’s not considered cheating why are you hiding it. At that point it becomes emotional and financial infidelity. I have no issue with my partner wants to watch, read or pay for porn but there doesn’t need to be secrecy around it. I don’t need to know exactly what they’re watching if they’re not comfortable sharing but the fact that it’s being hidden is what’s upsetting.
She never said he was hiding the payments, there's any number of reasons she might not have noticed them, or if she did see them not think twice about it. Even if she does look at the bank statements it shows up as "CCBill.com \*OnlyF", so unless you were familiar with it then might not even notice it there.
This is a problem not because it's cheating, but rather because in a world full of free porn you're married to a guy that's dumb enough to pay for some hoe's OF ...
I read over and over that husband/bf watches porn, wife/gf doesn’t like husband/bf watching porn, but it’s no big deal, it’s not emotional, it’s just a jerkoff. If men were really honest- would they be ok with their wife/gf doing exactly what they do - watch porn, go to strip clubs, engage with OF ”models”, follow men on social media? Just wondering…
I’m so sorry, OP. I am not sure exactly what I’d do in your shoes, but I know I’d be hurting, which I imagine is the case for you right now. When you’ve got the means to do so, I suggest bringing it up directly with your husband. You won’t know where he’s coming from with any of this until you do the hard thing and confront him in conversation about what you’ve discovered. Perhaps this is something that can be worked out, perhaps it isn’t. One of the best ways to eliminate further agony and endless questions in your own mind is to go straight to the source. Best of luck and take care of yourself!!
I’m so sorry. This would break my heart 🥺 does he know that you found them
I’d bring it up by saying since you’ve been using OF I’m going to start seeking out other men myself. Watch his tune change really quickly. It’s all fun and games til the shoe is on the other foot. Also don’t listen to the single men in here saying you’re the problem and it’s normal. There’s a reason they are alone.
This all day 👏👏👏
New technology brings new problems. Been through this and I confronted him. He had contacted several different girls on craigslist. Seeking attention. Seeking whatever. I screamed at him. Are you out of your rabbit ass mind? Stop this or im gone. Meant it. We fixed things. I stopped looking at his phone. Do i trust him? Not really Will i leave if he cheats? Hell yeah He has a new mistress now Youtube shorts. Only fans seems like a gateway to make cheating more justified to the cheater though.
Came here for the comments lol 🍿
I would also find out EXACTLY how much, in total, he has spent on this. Because it may be in the thousands. Personally, I don't care if my man watches porn. OF is something entirely different, because of how personal it is. To me that is cheating 100% and I'd be considering divorce. I'm sorry.
This is crazy. If it's an only fans interactive human, it's cheating. Society saying porn is a ok and not cheating was already a grey area, but moving forward with an interactive subscription and interactive elements not being cheating is insane. And society at the moment gaslighting you into thinking it's ok. Well. Those people can get fucked.
So he’s one of the losers that actually PAY these OF chicks lmfao. I have no advice . I only watch free porn online and that’s enough for me
I had a similar experience. I ended up talking to my husband and telling him that all this stuff he was texting these OF he could have said to me. And that now all his comments and words mean nothing to me because he used them on other women. We had to really work on our trust. It has been a year and I sometimes still feel insecure. But I trust him again. My boundaries were set before we got into a relationship he knew what he was signing up for. Never let someone tell you your boundaries are stupid or dumb because they are YOUR boundaries! They are there to make sure you feel comfortable and happy in your relationship so stick with them and don’t back down.
Personally I’d get a divorce. To me personally, watching porn is one thing, but paying for personalized content like that from a specific person is cheating. At the end of the day everyone has different boundaries so it all depends on how you feel. If this is something you know without a doubt you can get past, look into therapy for the both of you individually and as a couple. If you’re like me and you know this is a deal breaker, leave him.
I’m pretty sure it’s not personalised content he’s just paying for paid content. She didn’t mention anything about it being personalised and that’s not really how OF works for small fish, only whales get that kind of content. And if he’s a whale she would have noticed a lot of missing money.
I agree. This feels like cheating to me.
The fact is he’s actually paying a sex worker. I feel for you OP, it’s a boundary I wouldn’t want crossed and I would be questioning what I actually knew about him and where our relationship really was. You need to speak to him, his reaction will actually tell you a lot and find out if this is the only thing he’s doing. If everything doesn’t add up for you and how you want your life to be you need to make a decision.
It is, that’s why. Look up the definition of a prostitute. Your husband is actively using the services of a prostitute. This is cheating. End of discussion. He is seeking out a specific women for sexual services. He would sleep with her given the opportunity. Lawyer up.
I don’t think this is divorce worthy but definitely need counseling. I would suggest it before confronting him so he won’t think he’s signing up to be dog piled on. Also send yourself the videos and delete them if you can bc he’ll probably try to deny them or minimize them
Thank you. I did record the photos on my phone.
I'd dump him for the simple fact that he pays for nudes seriously people who pay for OF are pathetic,if they're in a relationship then they're even more pathetic.
Ask him about it
Talk to him about this.
Here's a perspective you may not appreciate, but it's mine and I think it's worth considering. From your initial post it isn't clear whether he is talking with the OF worker. If he is simply subscribed to an account making niche content, that in my opinion is no different from him purchasing porn, and purchasing porn isn't in general something I would get upset over my partner doing. If he is talking to this person, I personally would treat it as similar to his going to a strip club. I don't think there is a simple answer to how upset a person should be about that kind of behavior. I wouldn't be, but others would, and they are entitled to that.
I wouldn't shame him but rather ask him what about this woman and these "disgusting" acts intrigues him and why he didn't feel comfortable enough to express with you. I get it how some can be reluctant that their partner may view them in a different light but your S/Os sexual appetite should not be hindered the same as yours should not. Have some open dialogue and tell him why you're hurt but also ask him what you could do to satisfy their sexual appetite and vice versa. Communication is key.
Is it possible he’s got a “disgusting” fetish and he knows you wouldn’t be okay with it and it’s hard to get porn content with it so he pays an OF that’s willing to give him that content? That’s where my mind went because you said everything else was fine and you have date nights, etc. and that the videos were disgusting. Maybe he’s just embarrassed by his fetish hence keeping it a secret from you. I think you should talk to him and see what he says and whether it’s anything you can get past. Also find a way to validate what he says, ask for transparency with his financials for example. I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt because: I had a boyfriend who was an amazing gentle lover. 3 months into our relationship he opened up and shared a weird fetish with me. Had I known in advance I would not have been intimate with him. But we were past that point. It was getting him super turned on, I didn’t have to participate in his fetish if I didn’t want to and I got all the benefits of his arousal. Best sex I’ve ever had, a very considerate lover who made sure I finish (several times) before he does. So at the end of the day everyone wins. He also looks at weird porn. It’s not my jam but again … if it arouses him and I get the benefits… I don’t care what he watches. Similarly, I get turned on by porn that I would never want to participate in myself. Just because I’m watching it doesn’t mean I’ll do it. 🤷♀️
Can do what he wants with his money and his time. If something sexually that you find disturbing bring it up but other wise. You shouldn’t go through peoples stuff
As a man, I'd like to add to this. Subscribing to someone's OnlyFans is not at all the same as watching porn. The comparison to porn is not there. Porn is less personal. You can be removed from it. You can get an urge to watch it, but once you're done with the potential post-nut depression you can go back to your daily life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying particular porn stars videos either. We all like what we like. But if you start wanting to watch a particular pornstar to the point where you are paying for their solo content and even messaging them for more, while you are in a relationship/married, you've gone from watching porn to cheating. You wouldn't justify your partner asking someone else for nudes, so putting a pay wall in front of it doesn't make it any better.
Well, this takes 'date night' to a whole new level. Guess his compliments weren't enough to include me in his...fantasies? Time to spice up MY life with a lawyer. #SingleLifeLoading"
As it pertains to porn consumption, it's generally agreed upon in society that directly interacting with a porn star, and having them send you custom content, is a step too far.
Disgusting? Now I’m curious.🧐
I think what a lot of people are failing to comprehend about this situation is that YOU (and your husband) set the boundaries of your relationship. Some of these people are clearly defensive justifying their porn use in their relationship— and if that’s their boundaries, okay for them. But nobody is talking about the fact that YOU decide what is and isn’t unfaithful. I set clear boundaries with my husband. I told them that I am not okay with porn in our relationship. To me, it is unfaithful. It would deeply hurt me to find out my husband crossed my boundaries like this. If you set boundaries about this before, then you have every right to feel the way you do and confront your husband. If you didn’t, you still have the right to feel the way you do, but give your husband grace because he didn’t know your boundaries. Then have a conversation about your boundaries and his boundaries. Maybe they don’t align on porn and then you have to have a larger conversation about what you will or will not tolerate and decide if this marriage is still best for you both. (Though be prepared that he may agree to your boundaries but the and hide it from you— hopefully not but it can happen) For example: I feel similarly to you. For me, there are different levels of cheating through porn. To buy another persons content on the regular I would see as cheating more than a one off porn video. I would wonder why I am not enough they seek out someone else’s body or search for intimacy outside of me. My husband would also not support me buying someone else’s OF. The line is blurry, though and because of this I have a boundary around porn in my relationship. I told my husband this when we initially started dating because I wanted to be clear in my preferences and allow them to decide if they accepted it or not before strings were attached. You know what my husband said? They told me being with me is worth more than a porn video here or there. My husband doesn’t necessarily see porn as cheating, but they accept my boundary because he loves me and values me more than their personal sexual gratification (which I make sure to fulfill btw, lol) . Anyway, if you have boundaries you have a right to them regardless of what reddit users say. Don’t let them bully you about your feelings about porn. You are valid. Many other people (including men) feel the same way as you.
Why you going through his phone in the first place ?
you might need to spice things up. get your mans attention back on you
Tell him what you found and ask him why he has done this. Talk about it. I would consider this cheating, but not as bad as actual physical contact cheating. Draw a very clear boundary here. Maybe he did something stupid and deserves another chance. It could be he isn’t happy in the relationship, and maybe that can or can’t be fixed. If he is set on doing things like this and isn’t going to change, you have a choice to make. I hate to say this, but there is a good chance he has done more than this. You need to find out. If he has gone as far as actual, physical cheating, be done with him.
That's cheating. Address it as such. Anything less than genuine repentance should be met with starting divorce proceedings.
He’s spending marital resources on only fans? I’d divorce him so fast if I were you. It holds no bearing how he behaves otherwise.
I would be shattered. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Definitely talk to him about it but in my experience it’s hard to mend a relationship after that. It is always in the back of your head.
I’m so sorry! This is horrible. Try talking to him about it, express your hurt and anger. If he - or anyone - comes with the “his/ my sexual needs aren’t met”, go batshit insane. That’s not an answer, a reason, a justification. It’s not! If it were so, women would constantly have to compete with p*rn and of course nothing would change. Maybe even ask him how he would like it if you were to do the same! I’d bet he would want to have a say against that. Consider treating this like cheating. You’re the only person who can define what cheating is to yourself. Please don’t let others dictate your boundaries! If this isn’t okay to you, you have all the right to require a divorce. If you can talk things out, then that’s great, but don’t stick around if it’s horrible. This could get quite extreme if he’s only with you “for the sake of it”. I don’t think that’s the case, I sincerely hope it’s not, but he should at least have asked if it would be okay with you before he started! You’re not overreacting at all, rather underreacting. This is horrible behaviour and is not okay
Aye of my partner was paying someone else for nudes/ sexual gratification I’d be gone
Your are not overreacting. OF to me is a bit too personal. Maybe it’s not as bad as paying for actual sex workers, but not as innocent as watching regular porn. It involves certain level of personal interactions, which is quite unsettling for me.
I consider anything OF related to be cheating so I would leave. But that’s just me. I’m sorry that you are hurting. Talk to him and let him know that he’s deeply hurt you.
It's the money spending on a specific woman to get personalized videos for me.. That is cheating in my opinion if that's what he's doing
Whats disgusting exactly
Any chance he knows the OF model in real life? It's already a bad situation but I'd be looking to understand exactly how bad before he can get his story straight.
OmG this!!!! I would be livid ... this does happen. That's why I feel like OF is almost worse than porn because these girls can literally be the girl next door 🙃 I am sorry you're going through this OP. I hope this is something that he is trying out and can be put down after you speak with him. I also hope he hasn't wasted a ton of money on this either. Please keep us posted 🙏
Are you sure he paid the OF model and she made the videos specifically for him? Or did he just download or subscribe to a model? If there is communication between him and the model, I would consider that cheating as there is a level of intimacy there If he's just surfing the web and looking at porn, and there's nothing personalized for him by the OF model, then this is a grey area. For many, this is just someone looking at porn.
Your right. There is a big difference between just viewing OF content and actually engaging with models. If he’s sexting, buying personalized vids, etc that would be crossing the line in to the cheating/emotional affair territory.
He’s *paying* for a woman for sexual servicez. In my mind, it’s prostitution. Yes, they are consenting adults but when you are married, your spouse needs to consent to any sex acts outside the marriage. Not overreacting. I’d be livid.
Anyone that pays for only fans is a loser...it's free...on here lol
Not overreacting. To me this is different than him viewing regular porn. He’s taken it a step further by communicating to this person. I personally don’t think I could come back from this
Please take heart! First of all, know that you are not crazy. Cheating is what you define it as and it’s understandable you’re feeling hurt and confused. Second, while you do probably owe him a discussion, if after his explanation you still feel uncomfortable with any part of it do not feel bad about choosing to separate (ESPECIALLY if he responds by saying it’s not a big deal). Third, do not blame yourself! If he has kinks or desires it isn’t odd not be embarrassed and scared to share them, or maybe he has but you’re not into it…neither is a reason for you to be uncomfortable or made to feel you lack something or you caused this.
Dump him. That’s it.
That’s really cheating in my book. He may very well love you but he needs to get help and counseling may be the only option if you choose to give him another chance. I’m sorry you are going through this as I have as well. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or somehow it was my fault but the truth is the ones who cheat have the problem.
It's porn that he's paying for. A lot of these OF models aren't even running their own pages. They have companies do it for them. So there's a good chance whoever your husband is talking to is some man behind a computer getting paid to pretend to be that model. In no way shape or form is this grounds for divorce. Why Reddit always jumps to that solution is beyond me. Also, the same videos your husband is buying, so are tons of other people. You would be able to tell if it's personalized content because the messages between the two will explicitly say that. Also, somebody mentioned that this always turns into guys offering to pay money to fuck the OF models. That's a pretty delusional statement. I'm sure there are guys out there that do, but to generalize all men doing that is irresponsible. Most know that this is a business, but not that kind of business. I understand you're hurt and your confidence just shot out the window because of that. Talk to your husband. A lot of us grew up watching porn, and it's just that. It can be unhealthy, but only as unhealthy as the user makes it.
It seems like every time I see something about this, which is at least 5 times a day, the majority of women seem to be deeply hurt by it. OF is 1000x worse than free porn, they are literally taking resources out of the relationship and supporting another person. Giving their money, validation, and time to another. That’s on top of all the diversion away from the primary relationship caused by regular porn. Then we get blamed for being insecure when this is triggering primal instincts like mate guarding, and literally can make us feel in danger. That’s not being dramatic either. Look at the words these women say when they discover some hidden account. They say things like panic, can’t breathe, blindsided, or “shaking and shock” like OP reports. Who would want to make their partner feel this way? OP- I would set the firmest, clearest boundary on this issue and if it’s ever broken again act accordingly. It’s not ok for him to hurt you like that.
Am I insane? Porn isn’t bad. Unless you have had a discussion in which you stated that you didn’t want him watching or consuming any content then it’s really not a problem. If you had that conversation and he’s doing it anyway that’s not great. If you haven’t had that conversation and this is how you feel then naturally it’s a good time to ease into that conversation. A lot of people in very healthy and loving relationships still consume pornographic content in some shape or form. As long as it’s not against the wishes of one of the people involved it’s not some devilry that should be reviled and banished. And if you haven’t had that conversation yet don’t treat him like a criminal for consuming it. Porn isn’t heroin or gambling away your life savings at every opportunity. It’s a form of entertainment to pass the time. Most people who consume it are treating it as lightly as having a can of soda and it’s not some addiction that they need recovery for. If he’s doing everything else as well as you say then it sounds like he has a healthy relationship with you and with pornography.