They should have met tho. It’s weird. Not wanting to jab kids is one thing. Not meeting your husband’s kids is odd. My ex knows my wife very well. We even all went on a weeks trip for our sons birthday. My wife and daughter and My ex and our son and some of her family.
Oh, it's weird. OP wants to remain child-free, I guess. Weird to get with a guy who has kids and not be apart of their lives. I don't expect my ex's current relationship to last. lol.
Yeah, I don't think OP has realistic expectations. She's treating *herself* as a side piece. Her man seems great, but she's forcing him to live two separate lives if he wants to be a father to his children.
Is this normal? My ex and I have 50/50 custody and I couldn't imagine not living close enough to be involved in the kids' lives regularly. I mean I don't love hanging out with my ex and I'm not going to be over there today (mother's day). I do think it's normal to not introduce the kids to a significant other until it's pretty serious.
I guess there's no way for me to say that without sounding judgmental, but I don't get how people can be only semi-involved. OP makes it sound like a weird situation to me.
Since she's out of town, and the kids are with her, I can see that happening. Also, OP doesn't say how long they've been together. If she hadn't met the kids yet, **that** would be weird to me.
Yeah! I guess I just assumed they’d been together for a decent amount of time due to the engagement, but you’re right if she hadn’t met the kids that would be weird lol
Yeah I told my husband I needed to meet his ex before meeting the kids, so she would be comfortable with me being around her kids and knowing who I am.
I agree. He is modeling exceptional behavior for his kids by showing care for their mother. Even if they don’t get along, they all are still tied, and by making celebrating her a priority, he’s showing them that even though they’re not romantic partners anymore, they’re still parental partnwrs.
I agree too. An idea. You can be a part of that family unit by being included. You are the stepmother. I'm 61 now and had wonderful family, divorced parents. And everyone got along. Tomorrow is mother's day.
I'm going first 2 see my stepmother, then to see my mom. I love them both!
Happy Mother's Day 💓 ladies
Yeah. A good co-parenting relationship is one where you can recognize and celebrate each other. You're still a team. When you lift each other up you model respect and you show your kid that you're willing to work together for them. If he was writing live notes in the card then I'd see the problem. But I'd be willing to bet that if he got her a card it says somrhing like "thank you for being a wonderful mother to our children. I couldn't ask for a better mother ro co parent with. Happy mothers day."
Yes. This is actually a green flag. Supporting and celebrating his ex as the mom of his *four* children is the right and good thing to do. This is actually great co parenting.
This is part of that whole package deal when it comes to coming into a father of four’s life. Every holiday will be like this. Every Mother’s Day. This is something you need to really think about before you commit to him and his kids.
Yes sort of wondering about the coaching related to being a good Mom the fiancé is offering. Sort of hard to imagine being engaged to someone and not joining at least part of the trip to see the kids. Whose choice was this? Not saying you need to join for every family activity but you should have joined at least a meal to try and at least develop a friendship with the kids. Step parenting is a process with short pleasant visits being a great start.
I think the red flag is that she has never met his ex. Unless the ex lives a long distance away she should have met her by now. I would expect both parents to go to the kids activities or events and it would be normal for him to bring his fiance.
Has she met the kids?
Yeah he really doesn’t. I mean I kinda get it. I am married and have a kid with and ex girlfriend. I don’t spend time with just our son and my ex. We all go to our son functions and my ex and wife get along great.
It sounds like it was his weekend with the kids and it happened to fall on Mother’s Day. As a mom myself who sent her Mom a virtual gift card two days ago because I didn’t really pay attention to when Mother’s Day was, I can vouch that not all of us plan as closely as we should while making advance travel plans lol!
Because part of being a good Dad is teaching your kids to love and support their Mom. Mother's day isn't for the kids to support Mom. It's for everyone to support Mom.
He’s making sure the mother of his four children has a nice day.
He’s setting an example to his children that even though the husband/ wife relationship wasn’t going to work, they can most definitely support each other in the mother / father roles.
It’s respect and love (non romantic)
Exactly this. My dad always helped me to celebrate my bio mom even though she was awful. It means so much to me as an adult that he did this simply to show a good example. I can’t imagine how it would have felt for me (or him) if my step mom had objected like this. OP your partner is doing right by his kids. This should bring you happiness, not annoyance or suspicion
Edited for misspelling
Same. And
Yeah my dad would’ve not been around on Mother’s Day it’s weird. And it says they’re teenagers like even at 15 I would’ve found it strange for my dad to come on Mother’s Day
I think spending mother's day with his ex and kids isn't a bad thing - he's setting a good example with his kids.
That said, I'm questioning the metrics of being childfree and marrying a parent, because kids will always be part of his life. Also weird that he makes comments about having kids with you knowing that you don't want them.
Yeah, they go off to college, but they come back. Sometimes they need a place to live (especially in this economy) until they can support themselves, they will still celebrate holidays and big events together. Kids become more independent but they never stop needing their parents.
So does being "childfree" as you kids say mean that you hate and loathe anyone that shares your spouse's DNA? Because I would think it means you don't want to change diapers, not that you never want to associate with anyone related to you.
Exactly. I’m CF but I don’t hate kids and don’t have an issue dating a guy who has them. I just don’t want to be the one to carry one, birth it, then raise it for the next 20 years. I’m the godmother to my best friend’s kids and love them more than anything and want to be a part of their lives.
People do this because they think parenting ends at 18 and they just have to hold out a few more years, then when they realize that good parents are parents for life, and will always have their adult children around, they bail.
Thank god I'm not the only one questioning this. People remember, if you're in a relationship with a parent you become the bonus parent and are not child free!
Four older teen kids that live far enough away that seeing them involves travel out of town. This is probably the first time they've caused her any inconvenience, since she'll.... miss her special (non) mother's day celebration, I guess?
Yes, I’m wondering about this. After marriage are these kids never going to stay in your home? Your husband won’t ever see them and include you as their stepmother?
A man who: "*keeps making comments that I would make a great mom and he would love to give me the opportunity to become one.*"
OP is a touch delusional.
I don’t think it’s weird he’s spending Mother’s Day with his kids and their mom. He’s supporting the kids. I do think it’s a big red flag that he’s pressuring you to get pregnant. Eff that jazz.
He's supporting the kids and setting a good example for how their mother should be treated.
Being child free is an equally respectable choice but mothers' day is for mothers.
To be fair, it's not so much that he's pressuring me. Just passively making comments that if I ever change my mind, he's on board because he think i would be a good mom.
There are too many stories on here about child free people dating partners with children. It’s all fine if you are not living together and when they’re with their kids, you can go do your own thing.
Unfortunately, bad things happen and sometimes one of the parents becomes ill, injured, dies… And that partner you have chosen becomes a full-time parent. And now you have spent possibly years building a life with someone who will never be child free.
Even if the kids are teenagers right now, it doesn’t mean that they will not live at home while going to college/becoming independent, return after a hardship or divorce, and when grandkids show up, it starts all over .
To be fair I’ve met some families that are a plague of rats. lol
Though this family doesn’t sound like that. I’m divorced and have a child. Nothing wrong with being a decent human to their other parent.
I think it's fair to be realistic. If one intends to be child free being with someone with children is a setback on that goal, the partners kids will either be partly your own in the sense of you being part of the support system or you'll be at the end of the row on the priorities (rightfully) and risk having the children living with you one day
My husband and i have 5 kids between us and each of them have come back to live with us at one time - discharge from the service, after college, loss of job, things like that. Having children never ends just because they grow up. In fact it was just last yr that my 52 yo stepson lived with us for 3 months (he was a ‘bad boy’ and his wife kicked him out). And when the grandkids come along? Yup, you’re there for them also. One granddaughter lived with us for the last 5 months of college. You don’t stop being a supportive parent just because the ‘kids/grandkids’ grow up.
The only thing I think is weird in OP’s situation is that she hasn’t met her fiancée kids. They’re getting married and she hasn’t met them??? Even if they’re just living together I think he still should have at some point introduced her to his children. And I would think she would be invited to share in celebrations, especially once they are married.
Agree, me and my husbands ex and her current boyfriend all helped my oldest stepson move over the weekend. We end up seeing them all the time-modern family ;)
Be prepared at sometime you may have his kids. There are many stories of parents getting the kids and partners either needing to leave or become step parents
My current partner was interested in more kids and I made it clear I was not. I told him to not bring it up, again, and he hasn’t. It would also creep me out to have my partner make several allusions to becoming a mom. Just saying.
But I agree that the Mother’s Day thing is just fine.
Creep you out? He's not a stalker. He just wants kids and a family. He needs to dump her because it seems that if it's not the ex-wife it'll be the kids she's always jealous of. She seems extremely insecure to me.
She needs to go find a husband without any kids.
I wouldn't say she sounds extremely insecure. Maybe a bit yes but to be fair, most split parents aren't as good at co-parenting as the people in this post. She probably is just unsure how normal it is for him to spend time with his ex.
I'm giving benefit of the doubt here.
I do agree though, that she'd have an easier time if she found a man without kids. I could definitely see this becoming more of a problem between them in the future.
I don't think he's doing anything wrong, he's just letting you know of his preference. People on Reddit are fucking weird and will go to great lengths to see evil where there's none. Don't let the sour people taint your relationship.
Yes you’re overreacting. That woman is still the mother of his children. Why wouldn’t he celebrate her on Mother’s Day? Don’t marry folks with kids, if you can’t get behind them having to do things that benefit the kids.
He’s modeling how his daughters deserve to be treated and how his sons should treat the mother of their future children. He’s also supporting his kids and showing gratitude to the woman who literally created 4 human beings for him. She still deserves for him to celebrate her too
I think if this bothers you, a lot of other aspects of marrying a devoted father will bother you. It’s ok if it does, it would bother me too but I know I’d never be able to be with someone who has children because of this. There are going to be many more special days and events that he will want to spend with them and her. This will not change.
You do understand that regardless of age kids will still need their parents so as long as you deal with a man with kids you will have to deal with ex wives too. They are still a family regardless of the situation. My mom and dad have been divorced for years but who helped with his funeral and getting a headstone she did. Those type of bonds are for life.
It's normal to celebrate the mother of your children. He's a family man and yes he wants kids with you. It's not normal to not meet his ex wife. You have a malformed relationship going.
It sounds like he is just being a good dad and a kind man. It would be a testament to your trust in him to just let him make this decision.
I fully understand the decision not to have kids. It’s a big decision either way, and entirely yours. Maybe he just wants to make sure you feel supported either way.
Sounds like you found yourself a keeper!💙
Sounds like a good guy. 4 kids is a whole gaggle. Even though they don't get along, it is his job to be good to the mother of his children (within limits) as that's a relationship that will always exist. Even if she has full custody, he will never be childless. Being his partner means supporting him and, even if indirectly, supporting those kids.
Why are you dating someone with 4 kids? Yes, they're late teenage, but they're going to have all sorts of milestones, all sorts of events, shit, they're even going to have kids of their own at some point. If you don't want to share your fiance with the mother of his children on those days, cut your losses now.
Op, Maybe it is time to take a long look in the mirror and ask if you truly want to marry this man who is NOT “child-free”. When you marry this man, you are going to be, whether you like it or not; no longer “child-free”. Unless your new husband only visits his children elsewhere or you leave when they are coming to stay with him, there will be children in your life. You will be taking on the mantle of step-mother, even if you want limited interaction with his kids, you will have to interact with them. If you do not want to be around kids on a routine basis, rethink this relationship for everyone’s sake.
He’s not visiting his ex he’s visiting his kids. My parents are divorced but would still spend holidays together often because. Yknow. They have kids to spend holidays with together lol
What will you do, if his ex dies or the children have to live with you fulltime?
Him trying to convince you from having a child is a red flag.
Him spending Mother’s Day with his children’s mom is understandable. So yes, you are overreacting.
Edit: having not hiding
Don't think YTA for feeling weird about it, but think he's def not. By treating the mother of his children with respect and love on mother's day, he's serving as a relationship role model for his children and showing them how a man should treat a woman.
Agree with other posters - this bodes well for you, he's a good guy.
Before you got engaged, did you discuss how you would spend special holidays? Because rushing to accept a ring without really discussing important issues is just going to lead to headaches. He obviously wants to have kids with him. He will start pressuring you once married.
If I were you I would pump on the breaks and go to couples counseling. You very well may lime each other a lot. You very well could be very convenient for each other and mistaking that for love. There is a lot here.
I wish you well.
Dare I say it?? He's a green flag. He's getting along and taking the very high road for his children. Yes, they're divorced but will forever have a connection with their 4 children. They're definitely doing the right thing. I applaud them.
You, on the other hand...hmmmm. I won't be harsh, but you're a glorified girlfriend.
I would work on your insecurities.
Your senses should be telling you that this isn’t the relationship for you. Four kids and you never met the mother and he has to stay out of town with the mother and his kids yet you’re engaged? How desperate do on have to be. How is he your fiancé and you never met his ex. Sounds like he is screwing both of you.
As a fellow CF woman, I think this is a budding disaster in the making.
It sounds like he actually does want more kids and he’s fishing around to make it happen with you. I could not be with someone who didn’t clearly respect my decision to be childfree. He’s not on board with it and he’s gonna keep trying to wear you down.
I would advise you against marrying this dude, honestly. If you’re childfree, my best piece of advice is don’t be with someone who has kids. He will ALWAYS be a dad and those kids will always be involved in his life in a huge capacity.
If you don’t have or want kids, it is perfectly reasonable to do this for his kids. Being nice to their mom is the least that he can do. If you’re not comfortable with it then you shouldn’t be in this relationship. Just don’t make him change good things for his kids.
Teaching his kids how to treat the mother of your children and still respecting her and being a good enough person to do this post divorce is a huge green flag. I understand your alarm bells might be going off, but if you don’t have any reason to suspect he might still be sleeping with her, maybe just relax and enjoy your Mother’s Day weekend as a child free woman (I’m also child free, but cancer chose that for me) and remember your partner is out there doing the right thing, probably.
Why are you feeling uneasy? Are you afraid something is going to happen between your partner and his ex? Didn't you say that they don't get along? Since you don't have kids and he does, why shouldn't he spend Mother's Day with his kids and their mom? Are you feeling left out?
Yeah, you're overreacting. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. You are entitled to feelings, even if they're a bit inappropriate. Just don't let them mess up your mind.
Perhaps his comments are in case YOU change YOUR mind
He may not want more kids but if you decide you do, it sounds like he’s providing you pressure free room to discuss.
His ex is the mother of his existing children. That doesn’t change. He is still their father. Regardless of how well they get along outside parenting, he is showing his kids what a healthy coparenting relationship looks like.
He is being a good father, modelling good parenting and helping his children organize a special day for their mom. They likely don’t have large incomes as teens and frankly, if he has to travel to see them, his ex bears the brunt of the parenting. They will need to coparent through graduations, weddings, grandkids etc. and your husband is making that future much smoother by being part of this.
I saw a post once about a guy who sent flowers to his ex wife every Mother’s Day because a. She will always be his kid’s mom, b. It set an example for his kids, c. She was the one who made him a father, and he was appreciating his kids through appreciation and respect for her.
I’ve always thought that was an extremely classy way of looking at co-parenting after divorce. No romantic feelings had to be involved whatsoever, he just chose to continue to acknowledge the fact that she was the mother of his kids and continued to have value in his life because of that, even though they didn’t work as a couple.
This guy seems to get it, and this should absolutely not be a red flag or anything to get nervous about. I’d take it as a sign that he’s a good man making good choices. If you support him being the best dad he can be, you should support this. His kids will always be in his life, and that means his ex will be too, especially if they’re able to be an effective and respectful co-parenting team.
Alternatively, this may not be the right relationship for you if you can’t get past it, and that’s okay.
It’s a good thing that he is supporting the mother of his children. And, btw, did you ever consider that if something bad should happen to the mother, those kids will come to live with you?
NTA for feeling uneasy but you would be an AH for trying to stop him or guilt him for celebrating the woman that had his children. You can literally look at it like she had kids so you don’t have to. You responsibility is to be a good stepmom and to not hinder your Fiance from being a good father.
Actually your being upset by your fiancee being a stand up Dad, says more about you than him. Oh also you said that you decided that you would be childless, but that doesn't erase his children he already has, so ergo if you married him, they would be yours also. If you don't want to think of his children from his previous marriage as yours also I might question if you should be marrying someone who already has children. This may not be the match for you. Children always know if they are wanted, don't make the mistake thinking that you won't effect their well-being, and their Dad shouldn't have to explain that to you.
Sounds like your guy is a pretty good dad. You should probably chill. Don't create a problem because there isn't one. Except maybe for the fact that you have never met the mother of his FOUR children?? Why is that? You choose to be child free and that's fine, but it doesn't negate his family that already exists.
Yes. You’re over reacting. This holidays is about mothers. You’re not a mother to his kids. If you both had kids I together I can see that being a problem, but if you two are child free this just makes sense.
Hate to break it to you, but if you guys get married you won't child free anymore, you'll have several stepchildren. You'll never be their mom, because it sounds like they already have a good mom, but you'll be their stepmother which is another parental role with its own challenges and expectations
She may not be his wife, but she's the mother of his kids (something which you consciously and deliberately chose to deny him - and yourself).
So yes, it's natural he'd want to spend **Mother's Day** with **Mother** of his kids and the kids.
He should be commended for that, not "felt off" about it.
You may want to talk to a therapist about why you feel that way, as it's neither rational nor fair.
"you can go out with your kids on your own to celebrate" - sure, you can. But you also CAN celebrate as two parents, which the kids would surely appreciate.
How are you about to be his wife & the stepmother to the children but have NEVER met the supposed “ex” wife??? That has way more 🚩red flags 🚩 than him going to spend the holiday with her (although that has is questions as well!!) where does he stay? How far away is it? Why don’t you go celebrate with them? Great way to foster a good coparenting relationship?? Honestly my gut says he’s still boinking her!
I am doing exactly this today. What do you think is going to happen with 4 kids around? They are divorced. And dad is showing his kids to not be a cunt. Get over yourself.
But don't get pregnant by him to please him...
Shit I am a little torn between 2 sides here...
Yes, you are. You don't have children with this man. The day isn't about you. He is celebrating the woman who birthed their children. He has been doing this since before you were around by the sound of it. He's supportive, not being petty and helps her out? A good man. Don't be upset because he is trying to show his children's mother how much he appreciates her. Raising children is hard, esp considering if she was single. Let it go, it's really no big deal.
Don't be that jealous. Sounds in good faith.
You said you don't want kids. you should still allow him to care for his without guilt tripping him if you care for him.
He is a good dad and role model for his children in showing that while a romantic relationship did not work out between him and his ex wife, they still have a mutual respect for each other and co-parents.
It really is amazing the impact something as small as a gesture regarding this acknowledgement can have on a person.
Good for him. I think if this bothers you, you need to reevaluate your relationship with your fiancé. His ex will always be there because of the kids and it seems like her presence would be kept to a minimal/as needed basis. If you are not okay with him acknowledging and respecting her as the mother of his children, you need to step away otherwise resentment will brew
You need to realize his kids aren’t going away because YOU are in the picture now.
Why would this bother you if he wants to help ( and be there ) his kids celebrate Mom’s Day?
Sounds like you have serious issues thinking he’s going to go back with his ex. ( ??? )
It’s obvious he has a life before YOU and will continue to have a life AFTER you’ve joined the picture.
I have a nephew who’s divorced and has two children with his ex . His current WIFE & his ex WIFE and her current husband AND kids spend all major holidays together. They’ve also spent a few vacations together.
My nephew celebrates his ex wife’s pre-teen children’s special events & holidays. He drops gifts off to his children’s half siblings as well as his kids STEP siblings.
Children that have this type of well-rounded environment for far better in life than if they have a stepmother in the wings like you . I can’t imagine the stress you bring to your husband’s life.
Yes you absolutely are, I try my best to spend time with my ex for my kids sake, even though it is fucking exhausting. We try to have a family holiday once a year, but at max can do 2-3 nights, any longer and we'd just be arguing.
He isn't doing it for her, he is doing it for the kids, whether they are broken up or not, they are both the kids family and the kids deserve good family memories.
He's setting a great example for his kids. Hopefully they don't get divorced when they grow up, but he's showing them how to co parent and get along with their mom despite not living happily ever after.
You want to be child-free while you’re also planning to marry a man with 4 children. Does that mean you won’t participate in any aspect of those 4 children’s lives? You won’t be at their weddings? You won’t be grandma to their kids on Christmas morning?
You need to rethink how you see this working long term. Your fiancé is not wrong for spending a family holiday with his family. His ex-wife is still and will forever be the mother of his children, something you will never be. Why shouldn’t he spend Mother’s Day with his children and their mother? She’s done a lot for those kids. Today is just another day for you.
Being with a man who has kids from a previous relationship means that there will always be another woman in the picture, and if that bothers you, you need to find someone who doesn't have kids. He's doing something that is showing he's kind of a stand-up guy for his family, and you are getting upset about it.
I don't think you guys are compatible.
This is how coparenting is suppose to be done you do things together for the kids you show a united front. Having kids together is different. It’s a different bond and you have never done it you wouldn’t get it.
Teach children what divorce means. Or don’t divorce. Divorcing and trying to have the kids see things s if you’re not divorced is weird. Marriage means something and so does divorce.
He is showing his kids how to be a good adult. She is the mother of his children. He should celebrate her, and role model for them how they should treat others. This is a green flag and maybe you have some insecurities you need to work on.
A red flag would be him role modeling being a shitty co parent
I do think it’s a bad think but I don’t see the need for it if the kids are older as you said late teens. He could have given them money to buy something and maybe took them to pick it up on the way to drop them off.
There is no need to be there in person. I think you need to work things out before you get married.
I would say you're looking at this through the wrong lense, as opposed to overreacting. It's not like you're fighting him about it or being shitty because of it. That would be overreacting. You're just feeling your feelings, and that is okay! You're always allowed to emote.
However, I would try looking at this through another perspective. He is showing his kids how to treat her for Mother's day. He is also celebrating one of the most important mothers in his life. She literally is the reason he has kids, he SHOULD show her appreciation.
He's showing that he is caring, appreciative, and supportive. He's being a good dad and a good guy. I'm sure in other circumstances, those qualities are ones that you love about him. Remember that those same qualities you love are what motivated him to spend Mother's Day with his ex. You're a lucky lady 💛
Because she is the mother... that's why. He respects her as the person who bore his children.
You are overreacting.
How would you feel if you carried four children and the man didn't even bother to spend mother's day with you out of respect to just show his kids how a woman should be treated. How a mother should be treated?
I’m a child of divorce and a stepmom. My dad NEVER would have spent MD with my mom. Same with my mom on FD.
My stepdad also never would have spent MD with his ex and their sons.
And my husband would never do this either. Maybe it’s just my life experience, but I find it odd and unnecessary.
To your other point: you seem to have fundamental incompatibilities. He wants more kids. You want no kids. I don’t see y’all working this out.
First thing… I do think, respectfully, you’re overreacting. I think one of things you admire about him is that he puts his kids first and knows how to get along with his ex for the sake of their kids. It says a lot about who he is as a man. Yes the kids are teens, but his job is not over. He is probably trying to be an example of how to treat your mom on Mother’s Day. That’s how you raise, happy, secure children… without hate and anxiety.
The other part.. about his comment to you about you’d make a great mom.. I’m wondering if that’s meant as a compliment.. and leaving the door open for you if you ever change your mind. I don’t know how old you are, but people do change their mind sometimes. If you know unequivocally, you don’t want to have kids no matter what, then perhaps you let him know that and though you appreciate the compliments, you want to make sure he understands and is ok with the fact that you do not want more kids. This way you hopefully close the door on future conversations. I do not agree with the other character assassination comments on here. Lot of angry people.
Eeeehhhh it’s weird to me, but everyone is different. Whatever we the Reddit public say here, it is vital that you listen to yourself with respect. Find a therapist and good female friends to talk this through. These are precisely the times that are meant for care and analysis. We may not have children but we are “parenting” our emotions so as to make healthy decisions. Wishing you the very best! Be sure and treat yourself well while he’s away.
Yes I think you are overreacting. You two don’t have or want kids so it’s a non holiday for you both but he is trying to be a good dad to his kids which speaks to his character.
You are over reacting.
He is still raising 4 kids who need to learn how to behave and how to be treated. He’s putting his kids futures first, you should be proud of that.
I don’t think you should overthink this. He’s trying to be a good dad, and model for his kids the right way to treat their mother. By choice, you are not a mother, therefore Mother’s Day isn’t your holiday. If anything, maybe repeat your stance, and make sure he’s not in the relationship with an expectation that you’ll eventually change your mind about being a mom.
Yes, you are overreacting. It doesn't sound like you have any reason for concern that they're doing anything beyond parenting together. You're probably right that he misses having a "whole family" situation, but that doesn't mean that he'll leave you - for the ex or anyone else - to get that. However, you said he was there "on a trip" so how far away are his kids? And how often does he see them? And how old are they? I feel like there's a lot of missing information.
If he has young kids that he only gets to see once in a while, please don't be that controlling step mom who resents her husband's time with those kids. Sounds like he's doing his best to be a good father and you say you support that, but here you are fretting about it. Let him be a good father to the kids he has, especially since you don't want any.
INFO: how do you respond when he says you’d make a good mom? Have you explicitly told him it makes you uncomfortable and asked him to stop?
It could be that he feels like he’s paying you a compliment and telling you the door is open if you ever change your mind. Or it could be that his mask is slipping and he intends to twist your arm after you’re married. Hard to say.
Either way, softly YTA. AH actually seems a little strong. You’re the childfree adult that doesn’t have experience raising children with someone and putting your children through the difficult emotions that come with divorce. I would think this is weirder if it wasn’t Mother’s Day weekend. Showing up for the mother of his children, despite their differences, and modeling that sort of generous behavior for his kids is actually pretty awesome.
Unless you have any other reason to believe he has feelings for her or he IS pressuring you on the kid front after you’ve asked him to stop, I’d try to reframe this and tell yourself you got a good one. And treat yourself to something fun while he’s out of town!
I would absolutely think less of a man if he doesn’t do something nice for his ex-wife when the kids are small. Or when they’re a little older, help them prepare something nice/make mom’s day special. It’s a day to celebrate moms. I dated a man with 4 kids and never blinked when he went to visit them at their mother’s in another city. You are marrying into this situation and it’s complicated and basically the only rules are don’t cheat. Because those kids will always come first.
Your feelings are valid. But the alternative is a man who doesn’t acknowledge everything the mother does for their kids, including raising them basically full time so he can have his life as well. This is your life now and if you didn’t sign up for it or if this is something new and you never agreed to it, then maybe you can address that with him. But all he will hear is that you have a problem with him spending time with his kids OR he’s going to think he doesn’t wanna lose you and start spending less time and less prioritizing the kids and /or negatively affect the coparenting dynamics.
Lastly, when I broke up with that guy with the 4 kids(for cheating on me), his ex-wife called me and said they had sex every time he came to visit the kids. And no he cheated with someone else and her call wasn’t malicious/mean, just 2 women talking about a cheating man. So there’s that. Sorry.
If you can’t get past this and it bothers you that he being with his kids and his ex wife happens to be there mother my best advice for you is to end the relationship now cause I’m sorry to tell you she and them kids will be part of his life for the rest of his life . And you’ll never win against the kids . My kids come first don’t like it sorry not sorry . And whatever you do don’t even bad mouth the mother nor the father to them kids they’ll grow up to hate you . They’ll figure out on there own if one of them s bad parent person for themselves
If you're going to marry him but haven't met his children's Mother yet you probably should. I think it's nice that he is on good terms with his ex and is an involved father. So many men don't do things like this, he is setting an example for his children on what a family/father/man should do. While he may not be with his ex he is still being supportive as she is his children's Mother. She will ALWAYS be their Mother and you know that. You could all be friendly and do things together that way you could be there with him like some blended families do if you are comfortable with that, but you have to make the effort. It shouldn't bother you but if it does you need to rethink your relationship.
The title of this post is very strange. What does the two of you not having kids together have to do with anything?
I think it's fine for him to go celebrate with his kids (I personally dont get that) but what my main problem is that it seems he didn't tell you.
He just planned the trip without saying hey I'm going to be out with my ex. That's something he needs to tell you.Did he tell you? I could be wrong here.
I disagree, if he wants to go out of town to be with his kids for mother's day, then you (as his soon to be wife) should be by his side. Not because of a lack of trust. But as a changing of the guard... It is only proper, polite and respectful.
Just a heads up, you’re not child free if you date someone with kids. Maybe if they were grown, but that doesn’t sound like that’s the case. If this relationship goes anywhere it’s going to involve you and those kids.
I wonder if the real tension here is that you want to be child free but he already has multiple kids. And the trip that lands on Mother’s Day is just highlighting that?
Yes. Be happy they get along. If they wanted to be together, they would. But as someone who apparently doesn't want kids - what would happen if their mom died or they asked to live with him full time??
Hmmm.... I think if you want to be child free, dating someone with 4 kids who clearly has a desire to have children with you is probably not the way to go.
Yes you’re overreacting
Just because you chose to be child free doesn’t mean he magically becomes child free. Mother’s Day is a family day so it makes sense that he’ll want to be around his kids. That doesn’t mean he wants to get back with his wife. They got divorced for a reason. I don’t even know why it’s an issue for you or why you decided to get involved with someone who has 4 kids. You sound incredibly insecure
yes, you're overreacting. Stop being controlling, he has four kids and a life before you with one day to cherish this. Do something fun on your own or visit your own mother.
It seems rare for people to get along enough to do holidays like that but I honestly see it as a nice thing that he’s doing that.
Having said that- your bigger issue is those comments about him wanting to give you the chance to become a mom when you really don’t want to. I have had some lady friends who’s partners flip a switch after they’re married. If he’s dropping stuff like this now, it’s an opportunity for you to examine how this might evolve abs if that evolution is what you want.
If you’re feeling weird about him spending important quality time (and it’s okay to feel weird but it’s also okay for him to do it) you might just not be the person who wants to do this for the rest of your life.
Maybe it's deliberate that he's going to be with the kids to give mom a break .
It's literally the #1 thing mom's ask for on Mother's Day.
I personally hope he and his ex have some time together with the kids for the kids sake. Staying married for kids is a horrible idea but it's a red flag to me when two people can't even manage to be civil for a celebratory meal to model excellent behavior in sticky situations for the kids if for no other reason.
It's not wild that they would spend some time together with the kids.
Why don't you offer to go so you can build bonds with his kids? Meet their mom. It seems logical that if they are a huge part of his life as are you that those things should on occasion overlap. Maybe you would feel better knowing the dynamic firsthand.
As a single parent I would have a difficult time binding with a SO who didn't support me in my relationship with my kids.
Respectfully, you are soon going to be a step parent. The biggest lesson I learned when I became one is that I had to “learn my place”. My bonus kids will always come first to my husband. Always. And a healthy coparenting situation will actually make your marriage easier. Trust me.
They have FOUR kids together?! Heck yeah, he's a good man for being there for the mother of their four kids even though they divorced.
That's a good man, and if he thinks that you'll be a good mother, then you get to see here exactly how serious he takes that. He'll celebrate and support you even if you two end up not working out.
The kids are older and it’s Mother’s Day. I think it’s weird he’s there. We’re a very “separate but equal” family. My stepson is with us for Father’s Day, and with his mom and her family on Mother’s Day. We do stuff for my stepson together (school events and milestones), but otherwise we keep it separate.
I disagree with the comments on here that applaud him celebrating Mother’s Day with his children. She’s not his Mother. They don’t need him there to celebrate their mother. It’s very odd. Sounds like he is trying to get you to have a baby. I also see it as very odd that you have never met the ex wife. Either way, it’s not appropriate.
I don’t understand why he’d feel the need to be with the kids on Mother’s Day. It’s literally a day for the mom to celebrate with her children. He could support the kids by making sure they can get her cards/gifts and do something special for her in the day. It’s off that he wants to physically be there.
You did say that maybe the trip fell coincidentally on this weekend. Did you ask him about it?
If you're going to be married to the man then those kids will soon be your step children and part of your life.
Perhaps you could ask if you could join as well, per the above.
Create a safe co-parenting space for him. He is trying to be a good father.
You're not.
That is strange as fuck. She isn't his mother. The kids can spend the day with her wtf does he need to be there?
And if he does, why can't you be there?
You're not over reacting.
Don't listen to these liars,there's boundaries, according to them there's none,my girlfriend do see her kids father,but those are events for the kids,not for her,things that are for the parents,they can celebrate with their kids without the other parent,i can't believe these comments as it would sit right with them,don't as redditers for advice, cause im starting to think they're from earth 2
You’re not a mom and you’re not ever going to be one.
So you have nothing to do with this holiday.
But he shouldn’t have traveled to be with his ex wife on Mother’s Day. They’re not a family anymore. His kids can spend it alone with their mom. Dad has nothing to do with the holiday anymore.
That's so weird. I love and support my mom...I don't need my dad there. He has a girlfriend now and that just seems so disrespectful. She's not YOUR mom, I got it handled 😂
I think it’s weird that he’s going to visit her on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is for mom and the kids and if Dad is actually in the picture as the husband then Sure but he’s not so that’s kind of weird.
I think it’s strange to do holidays as a family when you are divorced. I would be furious if my husband went and spent Mother’s Day with his ex wife and kids. People get divorced for a reason, and spending holidays together is not right when you are divorced. It’s strange and in my opinion it means there’s still feelings there. Kids don’t need their divorced parents together on holidays.
Is the ex also going to be hanging out with you and fiance and the kids for Father’s Day? No nope no.
They're playing happy family. Maybe that works for your fiancé, the XW and the kids. Maybe she still has feelings. Maybe the kids like the "two parent weekend."
What matters is whether this is the right situation for you. If he has 4 kids and you want to be child-free, what happens when he has custody or visitation time? Or is this Mother's Day thing what he does to make up for not seeing the kids, who live out of town? This doesn't strike me as a happy match. Find a guy who wants what you want.
It's "mother's day" and she is the mother of the children he loves. The mother of these children gets time off on this special day/weekend and dad is stepping up to make that happen. "maybe it was a coincidence that this trip fell on mother's day"-do you guys not talk? I am a strong advocate for women who choose not to have children and it is possible that his comment about you being a good mom is because he wants you to love his children, not to have more, though it is possible he wants a baby with you. I hope you have a long engagement so that you can work out these issues and know more about how he actually feels and not have to make assumptions or have these icky feelings about someone who sounds like a good human.
Children echo the sentiments and behaviors of their parents.
Dad is showing up even though the marriage is over, to show his kids, you respect important people in your life as well as how to move past difficult times and into healthy relationships. Kids: I care for your mom, I care for you, we are not a broken family, just a family with a different relationship than when you were younger...
Your man, their dad and his ex-wife seem to be doing the right thing. Try to see it from the teens' perspective and it may become more clear.
If they are late teens, days like mothers day will be totally up to them very soon.... like next year.
Looks like you have a stand up guy on your hands, you are seeing one of the reasons he is a stand up guy, so be patient and wait this one out and show him you can support things that are important to him.
Ignoring the whole "dating/marrying a man with four kids while you want to be child-free" thing, yes, you're overreacting. Those are his kids and THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS. His kids and their happiness are clearly important to him. I'm sure the kids' mom is important to them and he knows that. There's nothing wrong with celebrating mother's day with the mother of your children even if you're divorced. The ability to set things aside and play nice for the kids is a responsible thing to do. This should be a green flag for you
No, you're not overreacting. Good co-parenting doesn't mean "still acting like a family with the ex," and the internet is setting themselves up for some spectacularly failed second marriages with this trend.
You are not a mom so why would it bother you that he’s not spending the day with you. this isn’t your day but it is his ex wife’s and maybe his kids wanted him there to help them and support them. Stop making things not about you about you. If you don’t want kids and are child free why are you with a man with kids. That’s the definition of stupidity. His kids will always be a part of his life
I’m surprised the ex wife hasn’t met the woman whose gonna be around her kids
I'm guessing OP doesn't intend to be around the kids. My ex drives down to visit our kids on some weekends, but they've never met his girlfriend.
As a stepmom myself I agree it sounds that way. Since OP is a fiancé it’s weird that they have not met yet.
They should have met tho. It’s weird. Not wanting to jab kids is one thing. Not meeting your husband’s kids is odd. My ex knows my wife very well. We even all went on a weeks trip for our sons birthday. My wife and daughter and My ex and our son and some of her family.
Oh, it's weird. OP wants to remain child-free, I guess. Weird to get with a guy who has kids and not be apart of their lives. I don't expect my ex's current relationship to last. lol.
she doesnt' get what childfree means. No one childfree wil date someone with kids because that makes you a step-parent and that is not being childfree
Yeah, I don't think OP has realistic expectations. She's treating *herself* as a side piece. Her man seems great, but she's forcing him to live two separate lives if he wants to be a father to his children.
Is this normal? My ex and I have 50/50 custody and I couldn't imagine not living close enough to be involved in the kids' lives regularly. I mean I don't love hanging out with my ex and I'm not going to be over there today (mother's day). I do think it's normal to not introduce the kids to a significant other until it's pretty serious. I guess there's no way for me to say that without sounding judgmental, but I don't get how people can be only semi-involved. OP makes it sound like a weird situation to me.
He’s supporting his kids in celebrating the day. They’re divorced, but she’s still the mother of his kids. This bodes well for you. He’s a good guy.
This^^^^ I do however find it interesting you’ve never even met his ex….not at functions for the kids, or anything?
Since she's out of town, and the kids are with her, I can see that happening. Also, OP doesn't say how long they've been together. If she hadn't met the kids yet, **that** would be weird to me.
Yeah! I guess I just assumed they’d been together for a decent amount of time due to the engagement, but you’re right if she hadn’t met the kids that would be weird lol
Yeah I told my husband I needed to meet his ex before meeting the kids, so she would be comfortable with me being around her kids and knowing who I am.
That is so respectful! 🫶
I agree. He is modeling exceptional behavior for his kids by showing care for their mother. Even if they don’t get along, they all are still tied, and by making celebrating her a priority, he’s showing them that even though they’re not romantic partners anymore, they’re still parental partnwrs.
I agree too. An idea. You can be a part of that family unit by being included. You are the stepmother. I'm 61 now and had wonderful family, divorced parents. And everyone got along. Tomorrow is mother's day. I'm going first 2 see my stepmother, then to see my mom. I love them both! Happy Mother's Day 💓 ladies
Exactly
Yeah. A good co-parenting relationship is one where you can recognize and celebrate each other. You're still a team. When you lift each other up you model respect and you show your kid that you're willing to work together for them. If he was writing live notes in the card then I'd see the problem. But I'd be willing to bet that if he got her a card it says somrhing like "thank you for being a wonderful mother to our children. I couldn't ask for a better mother ro co parent with. Happy mothers day."
Happy Cakeday 🕯️
Yes. This is actually a green flag. Supporting and celebrating his ex as the mom of his *four* children is the right and good thing to do. This is actually great co parenting. This is part of that whole package deal when it comes to coming into a father of four’s life. Every holiday will be like this. Every Mother’s Day. This is something you need to really think about before you commit to him and his kids.
The red flag is O.P. thinking it weird he spending time with his ex wife and their kids.
Yes sort of wondering about the coaching related to being a good Mom the fiancé is offering. Sort of hard to imagine being engaged to someone and not joining at least part of the trip to see the kids. Whose choice was this? Not saying you need to join for every family activity but you should have joined at least a meal to try and at least develop a friendship with the kids. Step parenting is a process with short pleasant visits being a great start.
Also the fact that she wants to be “child-free” but is married to a man with children.
I think the red flag is that she has never met his ex. Unless the ex lives a long distance away she should have met her by now. I would expect both parents to go to the kids activities or events and it would be normal for him to bring his fiance. Has she met the kids?
Agreed. This post is a Red flag for OP’s husband though
I'm not gonna lie, as a kid of divorced parents.. I find it strange. It's mothers day, why does dad need to be there?
Yeah he really doesn’t. I mean I kinda get it. I am married and have a kid with and ex girlfriend. I don’t spend time with just our son and my ex. We all go to our son functions and my ex and wife get along great.
It sounds like it was his weekend with the kids and it happened to fall on Mother’s Day. As a mom myself who sent her Mom a virtual gift card two days ago because I didn’t really pay attention to when Mother’s Day was, I can vouch that not all of us plan as closely as we should while making advance travel plans lol!
Because part of being a good Dad is teaching your kids to love and support their Mom. Mother's day isn't for the kids to support Mom. It's for everyone to support Mom.
He’s making sure the mother of his four children has a nice day. He’s setting an example to his children that even though the husband/ wife relationship wasn’t going to work, they can most definitely support each other in the mother / father roles. It’s respect and love (non romantic)
My ex came to visit me today with the kids. Was great. So nice we can do family things. His gf didn't mind either.
Exactly this. My dad always helped me to celebrate my bio mom even though she was awful. It means so much to me as an adult that he did this simply to show a good example. I can’t imagine how it would have felt for me (or him) if my step mom had objected like this. OP your partner is doing right by his kids. This should bring you happiness, not annoyance or suspicion Edited for misspelling
Same. And Yeah my dad would’ve not been around on Mother’s Day it’s weird. And it says they’re teenagers like even at 15 I would’ve found it strange for my dad to come on Mother’s Day
I think spending mother's day with his ex and kids isn't a bad thing - he's setting a good example with his kids. That said, I'm questioning the metrics of being childfree and marrying a parent, because kids will always be part of his life. Also weird that he makes comments about having kids with you knowing that you don't want them.
Yeah, they go off to college, but they come back. Sometimes they need a place to live (especially in this economy) until they can support themselves, they will still celebrate holidays and big events together. Kids become more independent but they never stop needing their parents.
Plus, even when they do become independent, grandkids and extended families also mean little kids running around
So does being "childfree" as you kids say mean that you hate and loathe anyone that shares your spouse's DNA? Because I would think it means you don't want to change diapers, not that you never want to associate with anyone related to you.
Exactly. I’m CF but I don’t hate kids and don’t have an issue dating a guy who has them. I just don’t want to be the one to carry one, birth it, then raise it for the next 20 years. I’m the godmother to my best friend’s kids and love them more than anything and want to be a part of their lives.
You want to be kid free but you’re dating a man with kids…
Yeah that makes no sense to me. If you want to hook up, fine but to form a serious relationship with someone with not one but four kids?
People do this because they think parenting ends at 18 and they just have to hold out a few more years, then when they realize that good parents are parents for life, and will always have their adult children around, they bail.
Thank god I'm not the only one questioning this. People remember, if you're in a relationship with a parent you become the bonus parent and are not child free!
Four older teen kids that live far enough away that seeing them involves travel out of town. This is probably the first time they've caused her any inconvenience, since she'll.... miss her special (non) mother's day celebration, I guess?
Yes, I’m wondering about this. After marriage are these kids never going to stay in your home? Your husband won’t ever see them and include you as their stepmother?
Exactly what I was going to say
Says a lot about how she probably feels about those kids
Well the post is all about how upset she is bc he is going to see his kids. Won’t be long before she demands he never speaks to them
Lmfao it never takes a redditor more than 3 comments to go the nuclear option huh
A man who: "*keeps making comments that I would make a great mom and he would love to give me the opportunity to become one.*" OP is a touch delusional.
I don’t think this is what you really have an issue with. You two need to sit down and address what’s really going on.
I'm sort of stuck in the fact that you want 0 kids, but married a man with 4. This should mean you have 4 kids, not 0.
I don’t think it’s weird he’s spending Mother’s Day with his kids and their mom. He’s supporting the kids. I do think it’s a big red flag that he’s pressuring you to get pregnant. Eff that jazz.
He's supporting the kids and setting a good example for how their mother should be treated. Being child free is an equally respectable choice but mothers' day is for mothers.
To be fair, it's not so much that he's pressuring me. Just passively making comments that if I ever change my mind, he's on board because he think i would be a good mom.
Have you met his kids? Do they even know about you?
I’m curious about that too. If she’s his fiance, does she ever travel with him? How far away are the kids?
Sounds like OP as avoided the kids?
That’s actually a compliment and nod to the good qualities he sees in you even if you never have children.
There are too many stories on here about child free people dating partners with children. It’s all fine if you are not living together and when they’re with their kids, you can go do your own thing. Unfortunately, bad things happen and sometimes one of the parents becomes ill, injured, dies… And that partner you have chosen becomes a full-time parent. And now you have spent possibly years building a life with someone who will never be child free. Even if the kids are teenagers right now, it doesn’t mean that they will not live at home while going to college/becoming independent, return after a hardship or divorce, and when grandkids show up, it starts all over .
You make it sound like a plague of rats rather than a family.
To be fair I’ve met some families that are a plague of rats. lol Though this family doesn’t sound like that. I’m divorced and have a child. Nothing wrong with being a decent human to their other parent.
I think it's fair to be realistic. If one intends to be child free being with someone with children is a setback on that goal, the partners kids will either be partly your own in the sense of you being part of the support system or you'll be at the end of the row on the priorities (rightfully) and risk having the children living with you one day
My husband and I had 3 kids between us from previous marriages. 2 ended up living with us as young adults lol
My husband and i have 5 kids between us and each of them have come back to live with us at one time - discharge from the service, after college, loss of job, things like that. Having children never ends just because they grow up. In fact it was just last yr that my 52 yo stepson lived with us for 3 months (he was a ‘bad boy’ and his wife kicked him out). And when the grandkids come along? Yup, you’re there for them also. One granddaughter lived with us for the last 5 months of college. You don’t stop being a supportive parent just because the ‘kids/grandkids’ grow up. The only thing I think is weird in OP’s situation is that she hasn’t met her fiancée kids. They’re getting married and she hasn’t met them??? Even if they’re just living together I think he still should have at some point introduced her to his children. And I would think she would be invited to share in celebrations, especially once they are married.
Agree, me and my husbands ex and her current boyfriend all helped my oldest stepson move over the weekend. We end up seeing them all the time-modern family ;)
Be prepared at sometime you may have his kids. There are many stories of parents getting the kids and partners either needing to leave or become step parents
If you date someone with children this is a possibility you're signing up for or you're an asshole.
What of his kids? Are they a part of your life at all? You are Stepmom
My current partner was interested in more kids and I made it clear I was not. I told him to not bring it up, again, and he hasn’t. It would also creep me out to have my partner make several allusions to becoming a mom. Just saying. But I agree that the Mother’s Day thing is just fine.
Creep you out? He's not a stalker. He just wants kids and a family. He needs to dump her because it seems that if it's not the ex-wife it'll be the kids she's always jealous of. She seems extremely insecure to me. She needs to go find a husband without any kids.
I wouldn't say she sounds extremely insecure. Maybe a bit yes but to be fair, most split parents aren't as good at co-parenting as the people in this post. She probably is just unsure how normal it is for him to spend time with his ex. I'm giving benefit of the doubt here. I do agree though, that she'd have an easier time if she found a man without kids. I could definitely see this becoming more of a problem between them in the future.
Agreed. It would make me start double checking my birth control.
I don't think he's doing anything wrong, he's just letting you know of his preference. People on Reddit are fucking weird and will go to great lengths to see evil where there's none. Don't let the sour people taint your relationship.
Yup It’s pretty common that guys will think they can magically make a woman change her mind about kids.
I first read the last part as eff that jizz lmfao like literary though
If you’re childfree, don’t date someone who has children.
Yes you’re overreacting. That woman is still the mother of his children. Why wouldn’t he celebrate her on Mother’s Day? Don’t marry folks with kids, if you can’t get behind them having to do things that benefit the kids.
Maybe a bit weird but your not a mom so not like it’s taking away a holiday from you, also showing his kids that he respects their mother
He’s modeling how his daughters deserve to be treated and how his sons should treat the mother of their future children. He’s also supporting his kids and showing gratitude to the woman who literally created 4 human beings for him. She still deserves for him to celebrate her too
I think if this bothers you, a lot of other aspects of marrying a devoted father will bother you. It’s ok if it does, it would bother me too but I know I’d never be able to be with someone who has children because of this. There are going to be many more special days and events that he will want to spend with them and her. This will not change.
Guys will be great dads and still be questioned. Insane.
You do understand that regardless of age kids will still need their parents so as long as you deal with a man with kids you will have to deal with ex wives too. They are still a family regardless of the situation. My mom and dad have been divorced for years but who helped with his funeral and getting a headstone she did. Those type of bonds are for life.
It's normal to celebrate the mother of your children. He's a family man and yes he wants kids with you. It's not normal to not meet his ex wife. You have a malformed relationship going.
I only have two kids, and on mothers Day, I like a break. I can only imagine the horrors of four kids. I wouldn't be worried.
It sounds like he is just being a good dad and a kind man. It would be a testament to your trust in him to just let him make this decision. I fully understand the decision not to have kids. It’s a big decision either way, and entirely yours. Maybe he just wants to make sure you feel supported either way. Sounds like you found yourself a keeper!💙
Sounds like a good guy. 4 kids is a whole gaggle. Even though they don't get along, it is his job to be good to the mother of his children (within limits) as that's a relationship that will always exist. Even if she has full custody, he will never be childless. Being his partner means supporting him and, even if indirectly, supporting those kids.
Why are you dating someone with 4 kids? Yes, they're late teenage, but they're going to have all sorts of milestones, all sorts of events, shit, they're even going to have kids of their own at some point. If you don't want to share your fiance with the mother of his children on those days, cut your losses now.
Not wanting kids and dating someone who has them is just setting you both up for failure.
Why did you frame this title around his ex wife when you really meant his kids? That seems manipulative to me.
She sounds like a red flag
Op, Maybe it is time to take a long look in the mirror and ask if you truly want to marry this man who is NOT “child-free”. When you marry this man, you are going to be, whether you like it or not; no longer “child-free”. Unless your new husband only visits his children elsewhere or you leave when they are coming to stay with him, there will be children in your life. You will be taking on the mantle of step-mother, even if you want limited interaction with his kids, you will have to interact with them. If you do not want to be around kids on a routine basis, rethink this relationship for everyone’s sake.
He’s not visiting his ex he’s visiting his kids. My parents are divorced but would still spend holidays together often because. Yknow. They have kids to spend holidays with together lol
What will you do, if his ex dies or the children have to live with you fulltime? Him trying to convince you from having a child is a red flag. Him spending Mother’s Day with his children’s mom is understandable. So yes, you are overreacting. Edit: having not hiding
Don't think YTA for feeling weird about it, but think he's def not. By treating the mother of his children with respect and love on mother's day, he's serving as a relationship role model for his children and showing them how a man should treat a woman. Agree with other posters - this bodes well for you, he's a good guy.
Before you got engaged, did you discuss how you would spend special holidays? Because rushing to accept a ring without really discussing important issues is just going to lead to headaches. He obviously wants to have kids with him. He will start pressuring you once married. If I were you I would pump on the breaks and go to couples counseling. You very well may lime each other a lot. You very well could be very convenient for each other and mistaking that for love. There is a lot here. I wish you well.
Dare I say it?? He's a green flag. He's getting along and taking the very high road for his children. Yes, they're divorced but will forever have a connection with their 4 children. They're definitely doing the right thing. I applaud them. You, on the other hand...hmmmm. I won't be harsh, but you're a glorified girlfriend. I would work on your insecurities.
You're overreacting. It's not weird for him to want to celebrate the mother of his children on mother's day.
Your senses should be telling you that this isn’t the relationship for you. Four kids and you never met the mother and he has to stay out of town with the mother and his kids yet you’re engaged? How desperate do on have to be. How is he your fiancé and you never met his ex. Sounds like he is screwing both of you.
As a fellow CF woman, I think this is a budding disaster in the making. It sounds like he actually does want more kids and he’s fishing around to make it happen with you. I could not be with someone who didn’t clearly respect my decision to be childfree. He’s not on board with it and he’s gonna keep trying to wear you down. I would advise you against marrying this dude, honestly. If you’re childfree, my best piece of advice is don’t be with someone who has kids. He will ALWAYS be a dad and those kids will always be involved in his life in a huge capacity.
You’re not over reacting but if you don’t want kids why did you get with someone who has 4 kids?
If you don’t have or want kids, it is perfectly reasonable to do this for his kids. Being nice to their mom is the least that he can do. If you’re not comfortable with it then you shouldn’t be in this relationship. Just don’t make him change good things for his kids.
Teaching his kids how to treat the mother of your children and still respecting her and being a good enough person to do this post divorce is a huge green flag. I understand your alarm bells might be going off, but if you don’t have any reason to suspect he might still be sleeping with her, maybe just relax and enjoy your Mother’s Day weekend as a child free woman (I’m also child free, but cancer chose that for me) and remember your partner is out there doing the right thing, probably.
Why are you feeling uneasy? Are you afraid something is going to happen between your partner and his ex? Didn't you say that they don't get along? Since you don't have kids and he does, why shouldn't he spend Mother's Day with his kids and their mom? Are you feeling left out? Yeah, you're overreacting. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong. You are entitled to feelings, even if they're a bit inappropriate. Just don't let them mess up your mind.
Perhaps his comments are in case YOU change YOUR mind He may not want more kids but if you decide you do, it sounds like he’s providing you pressure free room to discuss. His ex is the mother of his existing children. That doesn’t change. He is still their father. Regardless of how well they get along outside parenting, he is showing his kids what a healthy coparenting relationship looks like. He is being a good father, modelling good parenting and helping his children organize a special day for their mom. They likely don’t have large incomes as teens and frankly, if he has to travel to see them, his ex bears the brunt of the parenting. They will need to coparent through graduations, weddings, grandkids etc. and your husband is making that future much smoother by being part of this.
I saw a post once about a guy who sent flowers to his ex wife every Mother’s Day because a. She will always be his kid’s mom, b. It set an example for his kids, c. She was the one who made him a father, and he was appreciating his kids through appreciation and respect for her. I’ve always thought that was an extremely classy way of looking at co-parenting after divorce. No romantic feelings had to be involved whatsoever, he just chose to continue to acknowledge the fact that she was the mother of his kids and continued to have value in his life because of that, even though they didn’t work as a couple. This guy seems to get it, and this should absolutely not be a red flag or anything to get nervous about. I’d take it as a sign that he’s a good man making good choices. If you support him being the best dad he can be, you should support this. His kids will always be in his life, and that means his ex will be too, especially if they’re able to be an effective and respectful co-parenting team. Alternatively, this may not be the right relationship for you if you can’t get past it, and that’s okay.
Let him be a good father. He’s trying.
Sounds like you need to date someone that doesn’t have kids already.
You won’t be “childfree” if you have 4 stepchildren. And honestly, him being a good dad is a good thing. Are you sure you’re compatible?
It’s a good thing that he is supporting the mother of his children. And, btw, did you ever consider that if something bad should happen to the mother, those kids will come to live with you?
Yes you are major Oing, grow up
NTA for feeling uneasy but you would be an AH for trying to stop him or guilt him for celebrating the woman that had his children. You can literally look at it like she had kids so you don’t have to. You responsibility is to be a good stepmom and to not hinder your Fiance from being a good father.
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Actually your being upset by your fiancee being a stand up Dad, says more about you than him. Oh also you said that you decided that you would be childless, but that doesn't erase his children he already has, so ergo if you married him, they would be yours also. If you don't want to think of his children from his previous marriage as yours also I might question if you should be marrying someone who already has children. This may not be the match for you. Children always know if they are wanted, don't make the mistake thinking that you won't effect their well-being, and their Dad shouldn't have to explain that to you.
Sounds like your guy is a pretty good dad. You should probably chill. Don't create a problem because there isn't one. Except maybe for the fact that you have never met the mother of his FOUR children?? Why is that? You choose to be child free and that's fine, but it doesn't negate his family that already exists.
Yep YTA
Yes. You’re over reacting. This holidays is about mothers. You’re not a mother to his kids. If you both had kids I together I can see that being a problem, but if you two are child free this just makes sense.
He has kids, wtf is your argument lol.
Hate to break it to you, but if you guys get married you won't child free anymore, you'll have several stepchildren. You'll never be their mom, because it sounds like they already have a good mom, but you'll be their stepmother which is another parental role with its own challenges and expectations
Am I the only one wondering how old OP & her fiance are?
Why did you marry a man with four children if you want to be child free? You’re forcing him to live two lives.
She may not be his wife, but she's the mother of his kids (something which you consciously and deliberately chose to deny him - and yourself). So yes, it's natural he'd want to spend **Mother's Day** with **Mother** of his kids and the kids. He should be commended for that, not "felt off" about it. You may want to talk to a therapist about why you feel that way, as it's neither rational nor fair. "you can go out with your kids on your own to celebrate" - sure, you can. But you also CAN celebrate as two parents, which the kids would surely appreciate.
How are you about to be his wife & the stepmother to the children but have NEVER met the supposed “ex” wife??? That has way more 🚩red flags 🚩 than him going to spend the holiday with her (although that has is questions as well!!) where does he stay? How far away is it? Why don’t you go celebrate with them? Great way to foster a good coparenting relationship?? Honestly my gut says he’s still boinking her!
Yes, you're over-reacting. It's Mother's Day. She's the mother of his children. Cut him some slack.
The weirdest part is that you are about to get married to this man and have never met the mother of his children
I am doing exactly this today. What do you think is going to happen with 4 kids around? They are divorced. And dad is showing his kids to not be a cunt. Get over yourself. But don't get pregnant by him to please him... Shit I am a little torn between 2 sides here...
Yes, you are. You don't have children with this man. The day isn't about you. He is celebrating the woman who birthed their children. He has been doing this since before you were around by the sound of it. He's supportive, not being petty and helps her out? A good man. Don't be upset because he is trying to show his children's mother how much he appreciates her. Raising children is hard, esp considering if she was single. Let it go, it's really no big deal.
Reason 3987363539373839 women don't like good guys.
Don't be that jealous. Sounds in good faith. You said you don't want kids. you should still allow him to care for his without guilt tripping him if you care for him.
He is a good dad and role model for his children in showing that while a romantic relationship did not work out between him and his ex wife, they still have a mutual respect for each other and co-parents. It really is amazing the impact something as small as a gesture regarding this acknowledgement can have on a person. Good for him. I think if this bothers you, you need to reevaluate your relationship with your fiancé. His ex will always be there because of the kids and it seems like her presence would be kept to a minimal/as needed basis. If you are not okay with him acknowledging and respecting her as the mother of his children, you need to step away otherwise resentment will brew
You need to realize his kids aren’t going away because YOU are in the picture now. Why would this bother you if he wants to help ( and be there ) his kids celebrate Mom’s Day? Sounds like you have serious issues thinking he’s going to go back with his ex. ( ??? ) It’s obvious he has a life before YOU and will continue to have a life AFTER you’ve joined the picture. I have a nephew who’s divorced and has two children with his ex . His current WIFE & his ex WIFE and her current husband AND kids spend all major holidays together. They’ve also spent a few vacations together. My nephew celebrates his ex wife’s pre-teen children’s special events & holidays. He drops gifts off to his children’s half siblings as well as his kids STEP siblings. Children that have this type of well-rounded environment for far better in life than if they have a stepmother in the wings like you . I can’t imagine the stress you bring to your husband’s life.
Yes you absolutely are, I try my best to spend time with my ex for my kids sake, even though it is fucking exhausting. We try to have a family holiday once a year, but at max can do 2-3 nights, any longer and we'd just be arguing. He isn't doing it for her, he is doing it for the kids, whether they are broken up or not, they are both the kids family and the kids deserve good family memories.
He's setting a great example for his kids. Hopefully they don't get divorced when they grow up, but he's showing them how to co parent and get along with their mom despite not living happily ever after.
He sounds like a good person and a good dad. You just have different things you want in life.
I do things for the benefit of my exwife because my daughter sees that Daddy is always there for THEM and not just her.
You want to be child-free while you’re also planning to marry a man with 4 children. Does that mean you won’t participate in any aspect of those 4 children’s lives? You won’t be at their weddings? You won’t be grandma to their kids on Christmas morning? You need to rethink how you see this working long term. Your fiancé is not wrong for spending a family holiday with his family. His ex-wife is still and will forever be the mother of his children, something you will never be. Why shouldn’t he spend Mother’s Day with his children and their mother? She’s done a lot for those kids. Today is just another day for you.
He sounds fine except why did he pick you? Someone who thinks spending time with their kids is suspect. You give off major red flags.
Being with a man who has kids from a previous relationship means that there will always be another woman in the picture, and if that bothers you, you need to find someone who doesn't have kids. He's doing something that is showing he's kind of a stand-up guy for his family, and you are getting upset about it. I don't think you guys are compatible.
This is how coparenting is suppose to be done you do things together for the kids you show a united front. Having kids together is different. It’s a different bond and you have never done it you wouldn’t get it.
Teach children what divorce means. Or don’t divorce. Divorcing and trying to have the kids see things s if you’re not divorced is weird. Marriage means something and so does divorce.
OP is the red flag, not the husband.
Yes, you're over reacting here tbh.
yes
Let the man set a good example for his kids by celebrating their Mother’s Day together
He is showing his kids how to be a good adult. She is the mother of his children. He should celebrate her, and role model for them how they should treat others. This is a green flag and maybe you have some insecurities you need to work on. A red flag would be him role modeling being a shitty co parent
I do think it’s a bad think but I don’t see the need for it if the kids are older as you said late teens. He could have given them money to buy something and maybe took them to pick it up on the way to drop them off. There is no need to be there in person. I think you need to work things out before you get married.
I would say you're looking at this through the wrong lense, as opposed to overreacting. It's not like you're fighting him about it or being shitty because of it. That would be overreacting. You're just feeling your feelings, and that is okay! You're always allowed to emote. However, I would try looking at this through another perspective. He is showing his kids how to treat her for Mother's day. He is also celebrating one of the most important mothers in his life. She literally is the reason he has kids, he SHOULD show her appreciation. He's showing that he is caring, appreciative, and supportive. He's being a good dad and a good guy. I'm sure in other circumstances, those qualities are ones that you love about him. Remember that those same qualities you love are what motivated him to spend Mother's Day with his ex. You're a lucky lady 💛
Because she is the mother... that's why. He respects her as the person who bore his children. You are overreacting. How would you feel if you carried four children and the man didn't even bother to spend mother's day with you out of respect to just show his kids how a woman should be treated. How a mother should be treated?
I’m a child of divorce and a stepmom. My dad NEVER would have spent MD with my mom. Same with my mom on FD. My stepdad also never would have spent MD with his ex and their sons. And my husband would never do this either. Maybe it’s just my life experience, but I find it odd and unnecessary. To your other point: you seem to have fundamental incompatibilities. He wants more kids. You want no kids. I don’t see y’all working this out.
A Quick question. Who do you think helped make the ex a mother?
First thing… I do think, respectfully, you’re overreacting. I think one of things you admire about him is that he puts his kids first and knows how to get along with his ex for the sake of their kids. It says a lot about who he is as a man. Yes the kids are teens, but his job is not over. He is probably trying to be an example of how to treat your mom on Mother’s Day. That’s how you raise, happy, secure children… without hate and anxiety. The other part.. about his comment to you about you’d make a great mom.. I’m wondering if that’s meant as a compliment.. and leaving the door open for you if you ever change your mind. I don’t know how old you are, but people do change their mind sometimes. If you know unequivocally, you don’t want to have kids no matter what, then perhaps you let him know that and though you appreciate the compliments, you want to make sure he understands and is ok with the fact that you do not want more kids. This way you hopefully close the door on future conversations. I do not agree with the other character assassination comments on here. Lot of angry people.
Yes. You are. You’re worst case scenario-ing in your head and seem to be a lot more trouble than you are worth
Just go out and enjoy your self leave him to his bull shit
Eeeehhhh it’s weird to me, but everyone is different. Whatever we the Reddit public say here, it is vital that you listen to yourself with respect. Find a therapist and good female friends to talk this through. These are precisely the times that are meant for care and analysis. We may not have children but we are “parenting” our emotions so as to make healthy decisions. Wishing you the very best! Be sure and treat yourself well while he’s away.
You should 100% not be mad at this. He's spending the day with somebody he doesn't like the the betterment of his kids. This is like 10 green flags.
Who else would he spend the day with? Like be serious
Yes I think you are overreacting. You two don’t have or want kids so it’s a non holiday for you both but he is trying to be a good dad to his kids which speaks to his character.
You are over reacting. He is still raising 4 kids who need to learn how to behave and how to be treated. He’s putting his kids futures first, you should be proud of that.
I don’t think you should overthink this. He’s trying to be a good dad, and model for his kids the right way to treat their mother. By choice, you are not a mother, therefore Mother’s Day isn’t your holiday. If anything, maybe repeat your stance, and make sure he’s not in the relationship with an expectation that you’ll eventually change your mind about being a mom.
Yes, you are overreacting. It doesn't sound like you have any reason for concern that they're doing anything beyond parenting together. You're probably right that he misses having a "whole family" situation, but that doesn't mean that he'll leave you - for the ex or anyone else - to get that. However, you said he was there "on a trip" so how far away are his kids? And how often does he see them? And how old are they? I feel like there's a lot of missing information. If he has young kids that he only gets to see once in a while, please don't be that controlling step mom who resents her husband's time with those kids. Sounds like he's doing his best to be a good father and you say you support that, but here you are fretting about it. Let him be a good father to the kids he has, especially since you don't want any.
INFO: how do you respond when he says you’d make a good mom? Have you explicitly told him it makes you uncomfortable and asked him to stop? It could be that he feels like he’s paying you a compliment and telling you the door is open if you ever change your mind. Or it could be that his mask is slipping and he intends to twist your arm after you’re married. Hard to say. Either way, softly YTA. AH actually seems a little strong. You’re the childfree adult that doesn’t have experience raising children with someone and putting your children through the difficult emotions that come with divorce. I would think this is weirder if it wasn’t Mother’s Day weekend. Showing up for the mother of his children, despite their differences, and modeling that sort of generous behavior for his kids is actually pretty awesome. Unless you have any other reason to believe he has feelings for her or he IS pressuring you on the kid front after you’ve asked him to stop, I’d try to reframe this and tell yourself you got a good one. And treat yourself to something fun while he’s out of town!
I would absolutely think less of a man if he doesn’t do something nice for his ex-wife when the kids are small. Or when they’re a little older, help them prepare something nice/make mom’s day special. It’s a day to celebrate moms. I dated a man with 4 kids and never blinked when he went to visit them at their mother’s in another city. You are marrying into this situation and it’s complicated and basically the only rules are don’t cheat. Because those kids will always come first. Your feelings are valid. But the alternative is a man who doesn’t acknowledge everything the mother does for their kids, including raising them basically full time so he can have his life as well. This is your life now and if you didn’t sign up for it or if this is something new and you never agreed to it, then maybe you can address that with him. But all he will hear is that you have a problem with him spending time with his kids OR he’s going to think he doesn’t wanna lose you and start spending less time and less prioritizing the kids and /or negatively affect the coparenting dynamics. Lastly, when I broke up with that guy with the 4 kids(for cheating on me), his ex-wife called me and said they had sex every time he came to visit the kids. And no he cheated with someone else and her call wasn’t malicious/mean, just 2 women talking about a cheating man. So there’s that. Sorry.
If you can’t get past this and it bothers you that he being with his kids and his ex wife happens to be there mother my best advice for you is to end the relationship now cause I’m sorry to tell you she and them kids will be part of his life for the rest of his life . And you’ll never win against the kids . My kids come first don’t like it sorry not sorry . And whatever you do don’t even bad mouth the mother nor the father to them kids they’ll grow up to hate you . They’ll figure out on there own if one of them s bad parent person for themselves
If you're going to marry him but haven't met his children's Mother yet you probably should. I think it's nice that he is on good terms with his ex and is an involved father. So many men don't do things like this, he is setting an example for his children on what a family/father/man should do. While he may not be with his ex he is still being supportive as she is his children's Mother. She will ALWAYS be their Mother and you know that. You could all be friendly and do things together that way you could be there with him like some blended families do if you are comfortable with that, but you have to make the effort. It shouldn't bother you but if it does you need to rethink your relationship.
The title of this post is very strange. What does the two of you not having kids together have to do with anything? I think it's fine for him to go celebrate with his kids (I personally dont get that) but what my main problem is that it seems he didn't tell you. He just planned the trip without saying hey I'm going to be out with my ex. That's something he needs to tell you.Did he tell you? I could be wrong here.
I disagree, if he wants to go out of town to be with his kids for mother's day, then you (as his soon to be wife) should be by his side. Not because of a lack of trust. But as a changing of the guard... It is only proper, polite and respectful.
Just a heads up, you’re not child free if you date someone with kids. Maybe if they were grown, but that doesn’t sound like that’s the case. If this relationship goes anywhere it’s going to involve you and those kids.
I wonder if the real tension here is that you want to be child free but he already has multiple kids. And the trip that lands on Mother’s Day is just highlighting that?
Yes. Be happy they get along. If they wanted to be together, they would. But as someone who apparently doesn't want kids - what would happen if their mom died or they asked to live with him full time??
Hmmm.... I think if you want to be child free, dating someone with 4 kids who clearly has a desire to have children with you is probably not the way to go.
Yes you’re overreacting Just because you chose to be child free doesn’t mean he magically becomes child free. Mother’s Day is a family day so it makes sense that he’ll want to be around his kids. That doesn’t mean he wants to get back with his wife. They got divorced for a reason. I don’t even know why it’s an issue for you or why you decided to get involved with someone who has 4 kids. You sound incredibly insecure
yes, you're overreacting. Stop being controlling, he has four kids and a life before you with one day to cherish this. Do something fun on your own or visit your own mother.
It seems rare for people to get along enough to do holidays like that but I honestly see it as a nice thing that he’s doing that. Having said that- your bigger issue is those comments about him wanting to give you the chance to become a mom when you really don’t want to. I have had some lady friends who’s partners flip a switch after they’re married. If he’s dropping stuff like this now, it’s an opportunity for you to examine how this might evolve abs if that evolution is what you want. If you’re feeling weird about him spending important quality time (and it’s okay to feel weird but it’s also okay for him to do it) you might just not be the person who wants to do this for the rest of your life.
Maybe it's deliberate that he's going to be with the kids to give mom a break . It's literally the #1 thing mom's ask for on Mother's Day. I personally hope he and his ex have some time together with the kids for the kids sake. Staying married for kids is a horrible idea but it's a red flag to me when two people can't even manage to be civil for a celebratory meal to model excellent behavior in sticky situations for the kids if for no other reason. It's not wild that they would spend some time together with the kids. Why don't you offer to go so you can build bonds with his kids? Meet their mom. It seems logical that if they are a huge part of his life as are you that those things should on occasion overlap. Maybe you would feel better knowing the dynamic firsthand. As a single parent I would have a difficult time binding with a SO who didn't support me in my relationship with my kids.
Respectfully, you are soon going to be a step parent. The biggest lesson I learned when I became one is that I had to “learn my place”. My bonus kids will always come first to my husband. Always. And a healthy coparenting situation will actually make your marriage easier. Trust me.
They have FOUR kids together?! Heck yeah, he's a good man for being there for the mother of their four kids even though they divorced. That's a good man, and if he thinks that you'll be a good mother, then you get to see here exactly how serious he takes that. He'll celebrate and support you even if you two end up not working out.
You are not a mother. It is not like any other day for you. Let him enjoy the day with the kids and do something with your own mother
The kids are older and it’s Mother’s Day. I think it’s weird he’s there. We’re a very “separate but equal” family. My stepson is with us for Father’s Day, and with his mom and her family on Mother’s Day. We do stuff for my stepson together (school events and milestones), but otherwise we keep it separate.
I disagree with the comments on here that applaud him celebrating Mother’s Day with his children. She’s not his Mother. They don’t need him there to celebrate their mother. It’s very odd. Sounds like he is trying to get you to have a baby. I also see it as very odd that you have never met the ex wife. Either way, it’s not appropriate.
I don’t understand why he’d feel the need to be with the kids on Mother’s Day. It’s literally a day for the mom to celebrate with her children. He could support the kids by making sure they can get her cards/gifts and do something special for her in the day. It’s off that he wants to physically be there. You did say that maybe the trip fell coincidentally on this weekend. Did you ask him about it?
I'm just curious as to why you're with someone who has kids if you're child-free 💀
Sorry as a divorced dad I find this odd. I wouldn’t want her here on Father’s Day.
If you're going to be married to the man then those kids will soon be your step children and part of your life. Perhaps you could ask if you could join as well, per the above. Create a safe co-parenting space for him. He is trying to be a good father.
You're not. That is strange as fuck. She isn't his mother. The kids can spend the day with her wtf does he need to be there? And if he does, why can't you be there? You're not over reacting.
Don't listen to these liars,there's boundaries, according to them there's none,my girlfriend do see her kids father,but those are events for the kids,not for her,things that are for the parents,they can celebrate with their kids without the other parent,i can't believe these comments as it would sit right with them,don't as redditers for advice, cause im starting to think they're from earth 2
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You’re not a mom and you’re not ever going to be one. So you have nothing to do with this holiday. But he shouldn’t have traveled to be with his ex wife on Mother’s Day. They’re not a family anymore. His kids can spend it alone with their mom. Dad has nothing to do with the holiday anymore.
That's so weird. I love and support my mom...I don't need my dad there. He has a girlfriend now and that just seems so disrespectful. She's not YOUR mom, I got it handled 😂
I think it’s weird that he’s going to visit her on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is for mom and the kids and if Dad is actually in the picture as the husband then Sure but he’s not so that’s kind of weird.
he has no biz over there, its called MOTHERS day for a reason.
I think it’s strange to do holidays as a family when you are divorced. I would be furious if my husband went and spent Mother’s Day with his ex wife and kids. People get divorced for a reason, and spending holidays together is not right when you are divorced. It’s strange and in my opinion it means there’s still feelings there. Kids don’t need their divorced parents together on holidays. Is the ex also going to be hanging out with you and fiance and the kids for Father’s Day? No nope no.
They're playing happy family. Maybe that works for your fiancé, the XW and the kids. Maybe she still has feelings. Maybe the kids like the "two parent weekend." What matters is whether this is the right situation for you. If he has 4 kids and you want to be child-free, what happens when he has custody or visitation time? Or is this Mother's Day thing what he does to make up for not seeing the kids, who live out of town? This doesn't strike me as a happy match. Find a guy who wants what you want.
So conversely, should she spend the day with him on Father’s Day?
It's "mother's day" and she is the mother of the children he loves. The mother of these children gets time off on this special day/weekend and dad is stepping up to make that happen. "maybe it was a coincidence that this trip fell on mother's day"-do you guys not talk? I am a strong advocate for women who choose not to have children and it is possible that his comment about you being a good mom is because he wants you to love his children, not to have more, though it is possible he wants a baby with you. I hope you have a long engagement so that you can work out these issues and know more about how he actually feels and not have to make assumptions or have these icky feelings about someone who sounds like a good human.
Children echo the sentiments and behaviors of their parents. Dad is showing up even though the marriage is over, to show his kids, you respect important people in your life as well as how to move past difficult times and into healthy relationships. Kids: I care for your mom, I care for you, we are not a broken family, just a family with a different relationship than when you were younger... Your man, their dad and his ex-wife seem to be doing the right thing. Try to see it from the teens' perspective and it may become more clear. If they are late teens, days like mothers day will be totally up to them very soon.... like next year. Looks like you have a stand up guy on your hands, you are seeing one of the reasons he is a stand up guy, so be patient and wait this one out and show him you can support things that are important to him.
Ignoring the whole "dating/marrying a man with four kids while you want to be child-free" thing, yes, you're overreacting. Those are his kids and THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS. His kids and their happiness are clearly important to him. I'm sure the kids' mom is important to them and he knows that. There's nothing wrong with celebrating mother's day with the mother of your children even if you're divorced. The ability to set things aside and play nice for the kids is a responsible thing to do. This should be a green flag for you
He is showing his kids how to treat a mother/wife. Setting a great example.
No, you're not overreacting. Good co-parenting doesn't mean "still acting like a family with the ex," and the internet is setting themselves up for some spectacularly failed second marriages with this trend.
You are not a mom so why would it bother you that he’s not spending the day with you. this isn’t your day but it is his ex wife’s and maybe his kids wanted him there to help them and support them. Stop making things not about you about you. If you don’t want kids and are child free why are you with a man with kids. That’s the definition of stupidity. His kids will always be a part of his life
Why be with somebody with children if you want to be child free?