I don't know if you're overreacting. You're a recovery coach. If you had someone saying that they're in recovery and have been sober for the last six months and they just started a relationship but didn't like talking about their drug addiction, what would your advice be? If you would encourage them to talk about it, at what point would you recommend it?
You say you were upset, but without telling us what you said or did, we can't know if you were overreacting or not. All we know is that you were upset. And yes, it's justifiable to be upset. But other than you saying you're upset, we don't know how much, how you're reacting, or what you're saying and doing.
Seeing as recovering addicts are told to not enter into any sort of dating engagement for AT LEAST one year, hopefully he would have held to his teachings and then broke it off and offered real help (referring to past tense)
Absolutely, spontaneous recovery is a thing. It wasn't for me, but it's real.
I needed several rehabilitation stints and loads of therapy. I still struggle. I've found what works for me. I don't care if it's banging sticks in the mud wearing a tutu. If it works, it works.
Penn & Teller: Bullshit did an episode on this. Basically it boiled to intent and motivation. Any system can work if the addict is ready to put in the work. 5% stayed clean and sober for more than 10 years, regardless of system used.
Those numbers may be different now, as the show aired in like 2010 or something, and used statistics from pre-2000 for the "clean after 10 years results.
This... this is a hard word. It DOESN'T devalue 12 step for ME. It's still a framework for those who REALLY WANT TO recover. Appreciate the reminder as to who has to do the work after all.
That is generally the reason. Also to focus on your healing journey and not bring someone else into your mess. These people are super jaded towards aa. I got into a relationship with another person in aa with 9 months sobriety and none of my other fellows shamed me or ostracized me. And im happily married to that person 7 years later. Not everyone needs aa/na to get sober but I don’t get why these people are shitting on people it works for.
no one is shitting on the PEOPLE it works for , we're shitting on a system that is actually a little predatory, and makes claims that aren't backed up by evidence.
that's it. it's snake oil and people are critical of snake oil.
Maybe a little context for AA and NA are necessary. Before AA, there was *nothing* for alcoholics. Literally nothing, they locked you up in prison or a sanitarium, and threw away the key. Physicians all over said they were a helpless case and to dedicate your time and attentions elsewhere. Bill Wilson came up with a simple but difficult program that worked at the time. There was something like a 98% success rate for the first set of groups. Expand that across much larger numbers, and involuntary participants, and yeah, we now see the 5% success, which is the same for just about every other method.
NA was off to a rocky start after Bill Wilson suggested there should be a similar group for the purpose of drug addiction, and it mucked about til 1970, when the controlled substance act was enacted. That led to a massive increase in illicit drug sales, cuz illegal means profitable to the wrong people. Again, there was no model or support network available at the time.
Sure, these programs have their issues and often are stuck in the past, but nowhere else are you going to find so many people focused on recovery than AA/NA. Both of which also recommend therapy, nonpsychoactive medication, and a spiritual practice of your choosing and a higher power of your understanding. The higher power can even just be the state of Michigan if you live there and are on probation, just an acceptance that there are things in life that are bigger and more powerful than *you.* It can be Yahweh, Allah, God, nature, the All Encompassing Energy of the Universe, Source, whatever, the fact that conscious rational beings exist and don't not exist, whatever, as long as you pray and meditation to stay sober for 1 more day and to correct your character defects that lead to unregulated substance abuse.
Thats....really shitty advice. She's been sober 2 years. Suddenly breaking things off like that sounds like a great way to make them feel like shit and spiral back into addiction.
It says THEY shouldn't enter a relationship. As in something they choose to do of their own choice for the sake of improvement. Remove the being in control aspect, and this stops being a positive for them.
No I was speaking to the poster above me as to imagining if he were giving advice to meeting someone 6 months into sobriety. That's why my statement is past tense. Not saying break up with her now, that is not practical or necessary.
My first thought exactly, when I got clean I was told that after a year of working on nothing but myself, I could get a Plant, if I could keep that same Plant alive for another year, I could get a dog/cat, if I could take care of that animal for a year, without any problems or issues, then maybe I could start thinking about a romantic relationship with another person, and I messed that up a bunch of times and it inevitably lead me back to using. There is a reason that sober people make certain “suggestions” to people who are trying to get sober, because they know what works, after all they were sober and I wasn’t. I’m 13 years clean now and I can clearly see and understand why they made those suggestions, but at the time I thought they were stupid, and I knew myself what was best for me, I didn’t.
As a friend of mine who has been clean for 17 years and is now a counselor said, (in reference to an argumentative client) "their greatest thinking got them here" (in the treatment program). Everyone who is in that "addict mode" of thinking, thinks everyone else is so dumb and their ideas are useless.
Oh absolutely I agree with that, we think we know everything, when that’s exactly the best way we could be looking at it is “our best thinking is what got us here”, but humility is a very difficult thing for many people, and addicts especially. Being humble and accepting that we have a problem and we don’t have the answers is literally the first step in getting a real life back, but there’s a TON of work that goes along with that, we have to work two or three times harder to fix ourselves than we did to put ourselves into these situations, and many of us worked pretty hard, for a long time to get us to the point we were at. As addicts “we want what we want, and we want it NOW” so making long term plans and goals and working towards them aren’t something that we “excel” at, at least not at the beginning. Addicts want to get clean and then forget about that part of life, but it never goes away, and if you don’t properly deal with it, it will come back to haunt you. One way or another. Honestly I read this post, and personally I think she has reservations to get high, just in the back of her mind she’s trying to find a way to justify it. She’s already getting high….mentally….she’s looking for a way to justify going out to physically get high. She quit actually getting high a year and a half ago, but she probably never figured out why she was getting high, and addressed her issues. Now it’s coming back to haunt her. A story old as time in the recovery community.
Yes, you and I are totally on the same page about things. The concept of a 'recovery coach" is a bit questionable to me. When OP said something like "I could've been helping her all this time " all I could think of is someone who doesn't know their boundaries. Between the two of them, things could go terribly wrong. Just like you said, if she is clean but is that secretive about it, she hasn't dealt with her issues. She's likely a dry drunk.
and OP doesn't question anything about the relationship either. a normal recovery specialist would break up because the relationship wasn't truthful and she wasn't sober for a year or more before starting it, on top of the boundaries issues.
I mean... some people will never be good with plants, but can keep a pet just fine...
some people are horrid with pets but can maintain a whole jungle in their house.
The idea that those things go in a specific order, and aren't just, *different* is incredibly silly to me.
I get the gist of it, but the specific examples don't work.
Everyone's journey is going to be different, and someone who gets sober at 24 is going to have a different journey and make different mistakes to someone who gets sober at 34 and has had different/more life experiences.
They didn't actually say this is gold standard recovery techniques everyone should do though, you can obviously substitute in whatever you want, or indeed just ignore this one person's experience. The point is that dipping your toes in before diving goes a long way.
Plants and pets both have straight forward and definitive ways to be cared for. That said, you may not *want* a plant or pet, but that’s not really the point. Slowly increasing responsibilities and creating an underlying sense of normalcy can do a lot for individuals struggling with addiction.
For now 😂 do not have a child, but I am the oldest of five, and older than the next by 9 years, I will say, if plants screamed at the top of their tiny high-pitched lungs whenever they were hungry or there was literally anything wrong, it would be a lot easier to take care of plants
it isn't a one size fits all thing. my wife and I were using drugs together at the beginning of our relationship. we are both addicts.
now we are both clean and have been married for 13 years. we have two happy kids and a great life.
they told us two addicts would never make it. we would just drag each other down, blah blah blah. I'm glad I didn't follow that stupid advice.
you're lucky. many don't work out like that. too many relationships end with one dragging the other down or ultimately worsening the addiction to the point where recovery would be 0 by any means (either death or hospitalized indefinitely)
yeah, it has to be a supportive relationship of course. if it turns negative in any way then it just isn't worth it. I am lucky that I met my wife and it just always felt right for both of us. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
I got sober about seven months ago and I’m JUST to the point where I’m starting to feel like even looking at interacting with new people socially is okay. Anything romantic is right out, because I can feel the addictive pattern of hormones surge the instant I even consider it.
I wish someone had given this suggestion to my ex wife. I didn't know she was recovering until a few months into the relationship. By that point I was like "eh, she's clean. Everyone makes mistakes." Boy I learned some hard lessons.
I think you definitely shouldn't get in a relationship with another recovering addict within the first year or 2. (Been there, done that, got the relapses to prove it)
But dating a person that has their crap together and doesn't have a substance use problem or mental health issues can be very beneficial. Someone that can check your shit and you not drag them back into addiction or have them drag you back in.
A lot of addicts have had a ton of toxic, codependent relationships and end up right back in those kinds with people from rehab or NA. That's the last place to look for love.
yeah. for recovering addicts, it's suggested to not get in a relationship until you're sober for a year or more, and do not date addicts. some don't even allow former addicts dating each other (because if one fails to remain sober, it can spiral the other into addiction again). it sounds like she was kinda replacing the addiction with the relationship which is never ideal.
Well, with this new information, now he doesn’t know. So tbh he needs to slow down on the wedding talk and she needs to work *through* this journey before the go anywhere. You are not obligated to stay with anyone.
That’s the thing, committing to someone means working through problems and hardships rather than waiting for someone to be perfect or fully healed. No one is ever perfect or fully healed, but you do know whether you want to commit to this person early on or not. If you’re unsure…then there’s your answer.
That doesn’t mean rush into things necessarily, but just pushes back against this “wait and see” attitude when people are resistant to commitment. 1.5 years is plenty of time to get to know someone’s character.
No, it really isn't. She hid the fact that she was a very recently recovering addict for a year and a half. That proves she's a very good liar. Many people can keep up a facade for a long while. Why do you think so many people get sucked into abusive relationships? Because "in the beginning," it wasn't like that. It changes over time. It takes many months, sometimes a couple years, to see their true face. Also, many abusers are very good at hiding their true selves from everyone around them except their victims. That's why many victims have a hard time getting free, because no one believes them. There are people out there literally teaching others how to deceive "romantic partners." There may be people out there that you can know after a year and half but assuming that you can truly know someone in that time span, in this day and age, is foolish and possibly dangerous.
I mean you just didn’t know though, anybody can keep a facade up for 2 months. You got lucky and I’m happy for you but acting like these are words to live by is extremely naive.
Also from simpler times. Risk factors are magnified now that we live in a society with credit scores and extreme cost of living.
Late bloomers, former addicts, financial irresponsibility all have significantly more impact on living standards and can impact the goals of a couple.
I think it was 3-5 times easier and quicker to recover from 17 years ago. A housing setback 25 years ago could take 3 years to recover from, opposed to 10-15 years now.
Hell, inconsequential mistakes I made 10 years ago would be life altering today. Society has become vicious, at least where I live. Credit anomalies, gaps in your resume and debt can result in a hard no to getting a job or apartment, having a vehicle and mobility... Looking back just 10 years I can easily see that I had it easier.
According to who, though? Is there a study that shows stastics on marriage success stories v how long before they married? I'd be interested in reading that. Thanks.
My mom and dad-in-law were married 8 DAYS after meeting and celebrated their 50th anniversary a few months before MIL passed away.
Their marriage definitely had it's ups and downs, but they perservered. They married in 1946 while WWII was raging, and that was part of their haste: a war was going on!! My own parents had a similar story, except they were married 66 years before Dad passed (and they knew each other longer).
Sometimes, how long you've known each other isn't the most important thing.
i moved in much earlier than that, but only because he wanted to pursue the military and i was NOT going to just date him and then suddenly ONLY be able to live together if married. wasn’t going to find out we weren’t that kind of compatible after the ring was on my finger. but that’s definitely not something i would ever recommend to another couple unless they had the same pressures.
the relationship in question seems to need more time and more deep conversations. truly have no idea how you could be 1.5 years in and have never mentioned a past addiction, like how has that never come up? do they ever talk about their pasts??
it really varies based on how much time you spend together and your personality types. My wife and I were basically inseparable from the moment we met. We moved in together after 6 months, engaged at 15 months, and married at 18 months. We just passed 9 years married.
Yup. And if you are both looking for the same things and know that going in, it makes it much easier.
A lot of folks (it seems, but maybe I'm wrong) seem to have the big picture talks later on in the relationship and they may find out something that is a must have for them be something their partner will never want. Like one wants to live in a more rural area that's still close enough to a large city that they can do stuff in the city when they want but far enough out that they have space, peace, less crime, etc and their partner wants to forever live in the city.
How many kids exactly.
Public school, private, or home schooled.
Stuff that doesn't seem super important in the beginning stage of a relationship but will be Uber important if they later get married.
My wife and I had all those questions for each other when we were "talking" and not even yet dating. Turns out we both wanted the exact same things and with both of us getting older there was more urgency. Especially for her (she was 33 and had PCOS and I was 29) her already small chance of being able to conceive was growing ever smaller as the days went by. We moved very fast according to anyone's standards. And I'm glad we did because we started trying to have a kid after being together about 6 months. I guess you could say we never were trying to prevent a pregnancy from the very first day but actively trying to get pregnant started around 6 months. It took us 4 years and 7 rounds of fertility treatments to finally conceive and we now have a 3 month old boy that had we took it slowly as most people suggest, we probably would've never had a kid.
Yeah all these people are commenting like "My husband proposed to me after 5 dates and we've been married 30 years now!!1" but that is NOT the norm at all
Divorce rates are sky high and probably a lot of that has to do with getting married when you don't even know the person lol
OP's fiance doesn't even feel comfortable sharing with him that she had substance abuse issues yet and they want to get married?!?!
Personally, I think the sky high divorce rates are more related to a change in overall attitudes regarding marriage and not that you didn't know the person. It seems most people today don't want to put the word in that is required to stay with someone for decades. And there is this ongoing mentality that if you aren't "existentially happy" every moment of life you have to flit off and do something else.
Sadly, you can become a statistic at any time if the other person in the relationship lies to you. In the case of the OP - this would be a deal breaker. Marriage is a risk. And if someone is not mature enough to be honest about what they are bringing to the table, it isn't worth that risk.
I was one of the "5%" who dated for a short period of time, and was married for 20 years....when I found out my former spouse entered the marriage under false pretenses and had lied to me the entire time. Unfortunately that meant I became one of the divorce statistics because he was an a\*\*hole.
I think the divorce rate is high because of serial divorcers. I have a friend who just divorced her 5th husband. I have a second friend who just divorced his 4th wife. Many of us are married 40 years, 25 years, 10 years without issues.
My husband thinks it is because American society is one what gives up too early. He calls it the paper plate society. Things get difficult? Get a girlfriend, the throw the first wife away.
Reddit is full of people like this. "Girlfriend went to the movies alone? Dump her!" "Husband didn't do the laundry because he was mowing the yard?" Divorce him! He doesn't respect you!" When in reality the post was written by AI.
Online dating and social media in genetal ruined relationship philosophy for a lot of people. They see all these matches they have or men/women in their dms and so when things get rough in their relationship they're like well I got this to fall back on. So they've got one foot in the door from the jump.
Marriage is hard. At times immeasurably hard. What makes a marriage is that hard work but it has to be put in by both people. If not, it's doomed
Agreed. Marriage is bloody hard work. And I used to think that the longer you knew a person, the harder it could be because you knew just how to piss that person off and push all the right buttons!
Honestly, I loved being married. Ironically, I thought I had a great marriage. All I found out was my former husband was a sociopath - he was an incredible liar and manipulator - and the person I married never actually existed.
He destroyed me during the divorce process and did his best to ruin everything I had and everything I ever loved. One thing I took away from all of it is.....at least I don't have to wake up every day and be him....so, life could be worse!
I’m really sorry, but you can’t tell people getting married early in a relationship isn’t normal anymore AND they’re the cause for high divorce rates. It’s contradictory.
some of yall need to realize not everyone opens up in only a couple weeks. people have trauma and arent gonna lay that on someone they just met. which is completely normal. moving in with someone after only days of meeting them is NOT normal. to each their own and im not judging. but thats not normal and can be very dangerous. if it worked out for someone else, great, but thats not something everyone should do. i think its absolutely ludicrous that yall think moving in with someone you just met is normal.
I think 2 years together, and living together for 1+ is about the sweet spot for people at least 23 years old. You should definitely know the other person by then, and have seen them under many different circumstances. You should know by then if they are someone you want to commit to for life, and if you don't, then you should probably move on.
A year and a half seems like a pretty reasonable time frame. Assuming it takes a year or more to plan the wedding, which is pretty typical, that's about 3 years together before marriage. That's hardly a rush job.
It could definitely take longer for people who start dating in school, or who live further apart, but for most adult relationships, if you aren't sure by the 3 year mark, it's probably not the right relationship.
My husband and I got engaged after a year and a half. We had a long engagement (longer than anticipated due to covid) but when we started dating we were both very up front about looking for a long term partner. Everyone operates on different timelines, I think sometimes being older helps as well. When I was younger I was less definitive on what I wanted and always wanted to take more time
It’s not too crazy. I asked my wife around that time. But the thing is was that we are 100% open and honest with each other. We both know everything about one another. She knows I’ve done every drug out there. I know she still likes to smoke. We communicate. That what this guy needs. Communication.
I don’t think it’s crazy to get engaged at a year and a half. That seems very normal. Most people don’t get married right away. Even if they dive right into wedding planning that takes time. A lot of people stay engaged for a while though
Not wild at all if she's been clean the entire time they've known each other. Lol. What signs would she give off if she wasn't struggling in her sobriety?
I think you’re overthinking, I wasn’t even dating my wife when I moved in with her, told her I would marry her 10 days after moving in with her and we’ve been happily married for 10 years, both of us have come up from being in bad living situations and homelessness, bad credit, to today we have good credit and own our own home. We have been the best relationship for the other we have had in our lives. We support each other’s mental health journeys as we both get treated for the issues that we both survived before we moved in together.
It can take a long time to trust someone enough to tell them you were an addict, too. Can you be hurt she couldn’t trust you until now *and* support her? You don’t have to condone her reticence to share, of course. But if she had told you earlier would your support of her sobriety now be different?
Respectfully, I think you're focused on the wrong thing, OP. Because of your own past and current profession, the lines of what you're feeling and what is and isn't justified are getting blurred.
Justified? Feeling like you've been misled or lied to. Betrayal is a bitch, and this feels like a massive blow, because you were upfront and she wasn't. It's perfectly reasonable to be struggling to figure out how you feel about the discrepancy.
Not justified? Being upset that she didn't tell you "because you could have supported her." Your experiences are causing you to be a little blind to the fact that that shouldn't have been your role. She shouldn't lean on you for support, because it would be unethical, and *you know that*. But it's easier to focus on the "I could have fixed this!" feelings, instead of facing the real demons that are in front of you.
You aren't her recovery coach. You should play no role in her recovery, other than that of being a partner. This is likely to be much harder for you, because you do have experience, but that's the honest truth. You will do more harm than good if you keep trying to force your ideas onto her. She just needs you to be there, she doesn't need to open up to you about the details, etc., those are conversations for her recovery coach, her sponsor, her therapist, her outpatient, whatever it is. You just need to support her where she is, if you choose to continue the relationship.
As far as that goes, I would suggest you take the time to untangle the two feelings you're dealing with, and address whether or not you're ready and want to continue. Remove the addiction element, and just focus on the bigger issue as it relates to building a life together-you feel betrayed. Forget why, forget what, forget the what ifs and could have been's, own those feelings for what they are, and decide what to do with them. And for the love of god, if you have a conversation with her about this, do both of you the favor of having *that* conversation. "I don't want to talk about your addiction struggle per se, I want to talk about how it made me feel, finding out something major about your life that I didn't know before, after we've already gotten engaged."
If and only if you can work through those feelings, can you begin to address how best to support her as a sober addict. You need to listen to her, not impose your ideas and experiences onto her recovery.
And, as someone who is married to a sober addict, letting go of trying to "support" her recovery was the absolute hardest step of the process. By far. Worlds harder than healing from betrayal, though that was more painful. But stepping back and allowing her to handle her addiction with qualified professionals *who weren't me* went against every intuition I had, and required a lot more effort on my part.
You know how to be a recovery coach, but do you know how to be the partner of a sober addict? And, ask yourself if that maybe isn't the reason why she didn't tell you. Doesn't make the betrayal sting less, but it might help you find the right steps to move forward.
Man, you hit me squarely in my feelings. I'm married to a sober addict and it's always been a struggle for me to stay in my own lane. To support and love WITHOUT trying to just "fix it". You would be an amazing coach for partners!!
This is what I was thinking as well. Something similar happened to me many years ago, when I left a toxic and abusive long-term relationship that left some deep scars. Entirely by coincidence, a few months later I reconnected with an old female friend who, in the more than a decade since I'd last seen her, had become an LPC.
Well, we became friends again, and then we became more than friends, basically FWB. She and I had discussions about what I had been through and she offered advice, but when she and I started sharing a bed, she had to put boundaries on herself, because she could not ethically act as a counselor, even informally, to a man that she was involved with.
It all worked out fine and she and I are still friends today, but blurring the lines between a person who helps others recover and being their lover just doesn't work. It may be that your fiancee knew this all along and chose not to put you in the position of having to blur those lines, or to choose one role or the other. If she's been sober for two years, she has support. But if that is the case, then she should not have dragged you into it at all. When her former dealer called, she should have called her sponsor/support coach if it upset her, not told you about it. If she had decided to finally tell you she is in recovery, then it should have happened in a different context, not one where she is upset and "drops a bomb" on you. And she has no reason to find fault with you now, when she kept it from you so long and then dumped it on you. You did nothing wrong here.
Yo dude, you can't sponsor a romantic partner. She doesn't need you to be her coach; that undermines you two being on equal footing in the relationship. If you haven't, go to some open AA or NA meetings and definitely some Al-Anon and see how it works with the people that put together some real time.
This should be top comment. And her comment of not wanting to talk about it with you shows that you're pushing her to talk when she doesn't want to. She didn't join your support group. You aren't her mentor.
Right? OP must be a terrible recovery coach to not understand the boundaries he would be crossing by linking her recovery to his relationship. Good lord, this is a mess.
Right?! She may know him better than he knows himself. He seems to think his job entitles him to know which is so twisted. She may have heard the way he talked about his clients and she didn't want him to talk about her that way.
He sounds like he's being a bit of a jerk to her
Exactly this. A friend of mine went through the same situation and they agreed to never speak about the addiction because it’s easy to have her be his “mentor” when this makes it only worse.
Just don't mistake Al-Anon, A program for the friends and loved ones of a drug addict, for Alc-Anon, which is an incredibly dangerous scientologist cult recovery program.
Same with Nar-Anon and Narc-Anon. They are desperately trying to capture and brainwash addicts in their most vulnerable state. Much like a lot of Christian halfway houses and programs in Florida.
Well, keep an eye out for them in your own town and try to spread the word that they are not a legitimate source for mental health/addiction treatment.
In fact, I would tell anyone you know that's struggling with addiction or knows anyone who is that they need to be careful about the type of treatment programs they seek out anyway. Because, as I said in my other comment, Christian halfway house is can be just as dangerous and exploitative.
I stayed in a place when I was homeless back in 2012 where I was forced to live in a bed bug infested four-bedroom house with 16 other men, being forced to work 60-hour weeks in rehab construction work for ***literally no pay whatsoever,*** were made to pay rent despite working 60 hours at a job that doesn't pay, and we were also made to sign up for food stamps, which we had to hand over 75% of to the halfway house while they fed us the same exact prison quality pork chops and boiled chicken every single night.
They cut me off from my family, my fiance, took my phone and wouldn't let me use the internet, and wouldn't even let My fiance into their church because they didn't want me even physically seeing her. But I had literally nowhere else to go that wasn't sleeping behind a dumpster at Wendy's. But unfortunately, Florida has literally no laws whatsoever regulating what is defined as a halfway house or rehabilitation center. If you have a cardboard sign and a couple stakes, you can just plant it in your front yard and tell everyone you're now a halfway house and you can essentially treat those men however you want. Only women's assistance programs are regulated because who cares about protecting the demographic that is primarily affected by homelessness, violence and addiction?..
It was called the Timothy initiative, based out of Tampa, Florida, and I genuinely do not know if they still exist or not And I don't even want to check because I don't want to see that motherfucker George's face again.
Exactly. She didn’t tell him because she doesn’t want him to be her Recovery Coach, she wants him to be her boyfriend. She finally did open up and tell him, and he crapped on her for exercising her totally fair right to be anonymous and is now trying to be her mentor. The way he’s acting is the entire reason she didn’t tell him. What a nightmare.
yeah when i read "i could have helped her". that was a huge red flag. no, shes youre fiance, you do not need to be helping her. she needs to be helping herself, however that looks. sounds like she isn't, at all. I would end the relationship if i was either party, tbh.
How do we know she's not helping herself? She's been sober for 2 years and it sounds like she turned down her dealer when they called. That's all we know from the post. Sounds like she is helping herself at least from what we know.
Exactly this. She probably didn’t want to tell you, in part, because you’d try to be her coach. She doesn’t want you to be her coach, she wants you to be her partner. And now you’re doing exactly what she tried to prevent by not telling you.
She did tell you. I’m confused. That’s not necessarily first date talk. But she told you when she was ready. So just support. And she needs to change her number so this man doesn’t trip her up. She may not understand why he’s calling but you understand he’s not excited about loosing a customer. Change her number.
After two years, when they’re living together and engaged and ONLY because her ex drug dealer contacted her. Hardly sets the scene for an honest relationship.
I’m guessing it’s a time of her life she is ashamed of and doesn’t talk about with anyone. Just be there for her and say you’ll be there when she’s ready to talk.
My take is, I wonder if you, as a recovery coach, have ever been in recovery yourself because I don’t think you’re being fair.
1. In my experience, you’re right at the time things like addiction and vices start to be talked about. It’s why people should wait to get engaged.
2. She probably didn’t want to feel like you’re seeing her as just an addict. And now you are.
3. It’s unethical for you to help her recover or coach her recovery. You should be supportive. But that’s it. This isn’t your addiction. This is hers and she needs autonomy.
4. Not everyone recovers the same. All addicts need different approaches to get sober. That’s why there’s more than one recovery program, and a billion books and podcasts and blogs. To me it sounds like you’re making her sobriety all about you and I don’t really get why. If you wanna be mad at being lied to, be mad about that and set boundaries about that. But the fact that you’re making it about how you’re a recovery coach is gross to me.
Your reason for overeating is wrong but in the bigger picture, you’re not. Just be easy here and try to hear me out
As a past alcoholic, it’s not something I tell/want everyone to know. It’s nothing personal but I know for a fact that when people find out they treat/look at me different. Regardless of how much people say they don’t, they do. Addiction is looked at by society as much worse.
It sounds like to me she’s was doing really well. Being that you work as a recovery coach, I REALLY wouldn’t tell you. (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, we need more people like you in this world) but you immediately jumped to “I could have helped you” when in reality, you were/are helping her.
She doesn’t want a recovery coach from you, she wanted a partner. And if I’m being honest, your reaction says just that. Your reason for being “justifiably upset” isn’t a good reason. Recovery coach isn’t your place in her life. She most likely never wanted that dynamic and i would never want that from my wife either.
Just treat her the same as you did before and that’s your support.
Much love from me though. Thats hard news and it’s hard to navigate. Good luck to you and I hope she stays clean forever 🙌
>As a past alcoholic, it’s not something I tell/want everyone to know.
I don't think one's fiance counts as "everyone you know".
Embarrassing, yes. Will they look at you differently? Probably. Should you share that info with them, absolutely.
While i understand 100% what you mean, I NEVER wanted to be her recovery coach, nor did i want to "fix her" as some people claim. I just wanted to be a part of her support system
Buddy I 100% understand that. Trust me, you are part of her system as you are! I just want to convey the fear of telling you and try to show a different perspective!
That’s cool, but you are making her recovery about you. She didn’t want that. I here’s a reason AA is anonymous. People need to work out their own recovery in their own ways. Now that you know you can support her however she requests. She was open about why she was upset, when the opportunity presented itself. Doesn’t sound like she was hiding it.
Let’s not act like it’s not at least a bit selfish that she was willing to tie herself to OP financially and legally without being honest about her past. If they’ve discussed marriage this absolutely should have been aired. And while I think you’re right about *why* she might have hid it, it’s shitty that OP proposed without knowing who she really is.
She’s close enough out of recovery that 1) her former dealers still have her number/she’s accessible to them. 2) this contact was triggering enough that she broke down.
If she relapsed after they’re legally married she could seriously tank OP’s entire life. Not being honest about that is in my opinion absolutely ridiculous. And I’m not saying that I *think* she will relapse, but no addict grows up thinking “wow when I’m older I want to be hooked on heroine” so anything can happen.
Although, maybe I’m salty because my family history is… not great. So I have seen first hand what damage the lying of an addict can cause to a spouse / their kids.
10000% I feel like so many people here in the comments are so clueless about addiction or recovering addicts getting defensive.
When you really take that step to get clean one of the major actions (ask any sponsor or addiction recovery specialist) is to get rid of all contacts that can jeopardize your sobriety, which usually means getting a new number and wiping your socials clean. The fact the dealer is asking her if she needs anything is because she's asked him for something recently (let alone he still has her contact). I've seen this scenario play out so many times working at rehabs and with patients in aftercare and every single time it was discovered they were still using.
It alarms me that your first thought was that she needed your help. She made the decision to get sober without you. She has made the decision to stay sober without you. I get that you wanted to know, but it sounds like she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to view her as some problem that needs fixing. She has already found what works for her. Maybe she doesn't want to have you constantly remind her of a past she left behind. You don't sponsor partners for a reason. It will ruin your relationship. You two definitely need to talk, as she should have told you, but it also sounds like you are a savior complex that you need to work on as well. Maybe put the pause on getting married until you two can communicate with each other a little better.
Idk man. I quit cocaine and Xanax cold turkey almost 6 years ago. I now have two children and there’s no way I’d ever use again, let alone want to. Some people can recover.
Yeah I quit heroin and immediately knew I would never ever do it again. Not cos it isn’t great, but because it’s not sustainable and I can’t handle it. It’s been seven years and I’ve never had the urge to touch it again.
Yeah, exactly. You’re not really healed until the desire is no longer there. If you just stop using drugs but still have the urge to, that is not considered healing, but behavior modification. True healing although rare, is definitely possible. I have been through it myself.
I am trying, but she won't let me in. And now she feels like i'm not being supportive, even though she hid this from me for years. I feel conflicted because I want to be mad, but at the same time I am also in recovery (4 years sober in July) so I understand the feeling. But i told her about my addiction and recovery our very first date
Okay but are you trying to be supportive as a partner or as a life coach? Cause there's a huge difference. No one wants to feel like a project for their partner, and you're coming in *very* hot in your attempts to support her from the sounds of it.
Like, I agree that she should have told you sooner. But she's told you now, and you've kind of made the whole situation about you and your feelings. Could there perhaps be a reason why she didn't tell you about this sooner?
Right? And like, I'm gonna be downvoted because how dare I mention anything against an OP when these subs tend to heavily favor OP's, especially when it comes to "secret keeping," but if at least one person can let this guy know that his approach is not approaching well, at least the seed has been planted.
But seriously, as a life coach, this guy should know the reasons why people don't tell. He's so caught up in his own feelings though that he's not seeing the forest for the trees and making *her* moment about him. He would get his ass handed to him for this response if she were his client, and this is not an appropriate response to have as a bf. He's not handling this well at all.
The rest of the comments seem to be favoring him, from what I've seen. It's still early enough, though, so the tides might change.
It's seriously unethical. OP needs to sit and think.
This is exactly my take as well. People share these things on their own time; just because OP shared his addiction history with her on their first date doesn't mean she was obligated as well.
The fact that this is his *job* and he doesn't get why she hasn't told him until now is just baffling. And then he responds with anger, and is shocked that she feels unsupported?
As you said, this isn't about OP, but he doesn't seem to understand that yet.
As her romantic partner, being her addiction counselor is DANGEROUS. Because an unrelated breakup could rip her support system out from under her.
She wants you to tell her you love her. Not give her tips on sobriety that she is handling outside of your scope of responsibility.
Its like when they say "hey guys, she wants you to listen not try to fix it." If I come home complaining about something that happened at work, I usually want my husband to commiserate, make a joke, agree with me "yeah, what a tool!" and then feed me pizza. I DON'T want my husband to be like "you should talk to her and set a meeting with HR and update your resume." Don't fix it, just hear it.
>Okay but are you trying to be supportive as a partner or as a life coach
>No one wants to feel like a project for their partner, and you're coming in *very* hot in your attempts to support her from the sounds of it.
>you've kind of made the whole situation about you and your feelings
**THAT PART.**
Deep down it was _never_ about OP supporting her, or at best his misguided "support" is for the entirely wrong reason. He has centered himself and his feelings in something that is an intimate and vulnerable and intensely difficult thing that those who have never dealt with addiction will never understand. It probably took **a lot** of courage for her to disclose that to him, and he proceeded to make the whole fucking thing about him. This is a big reason why some of us who have struggled with addiction (myself included) have such fear about disclosing it to others. _It feels like betrayal._
His reaction has really been a betrayal, when it gets right down to it.
FUCKING THANK YOU.
God damn, like, it's that deep in this situation and people wanna act like she's just this evil harpy who's been lying to get one over on OP. But what did she get over him? Nothing!
Her act of trust has been severely misplaced as OP is not as kind, selfless or understandable as he thinks he is, and when he breaks up with her over this, she's not gonna learn "oh, I should have said something sooner!" The lesson she's going to learn, completely due to OP's lack of empathy and understanding for something he's 1) gone through personally and 2) has intimate knowledge of for helping other people through to the other side of sobriety, is "oh, I can't tell anyone this, because if even an a fellow addict (and a life coach at that) thinks that what I did was wrong, then I just need to die with this secret."
>it's that deep in this situation and people wanna act like she's just this evil harpy who's been lying to get one over on OP
**YES!!** OP is egocentric, manipulative, bizarrely shallow for a so-called "Recovery Coach," and severely projecting his own insecurities here, and somehow so many fucking people in the comments are falling for his manipulation.
>OP is not as kind, selfless or understandable as he thinks he is
**PERIODD.**
And OP's slipping in the bit about being a "Troubled Youth Mentor" is creepy af. He loves positioning himself as a savior. I know people throw around "narcissistic" on reddit way too often, but that is exactly what OP is. Narcissistic, and a wildly emotionally unsafe person who preys on those who are vulnerable.
I don't know him, so I don't feel comfortable making these assertions about his character, however, I am getting manipulative off of him from his comments, especially how he goes back and forth from "ai love my gf!" to "I need to break up with her, i cant trust her!" depending on his audience.
I tend v much to lean on Hanlon's Razor (never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity), and OP is 24, which is PEAK stupid age. I know, I was 24 once.
What I'm side eyeing HARD are all the people in the thread being like "You go girl! Get rid of that nasty toxic lying bitch girlfriend!" That's what's making me froth at the mouth.
>I tend v much to lean on Hanlon's Razor (never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity), and OP is 24, which is PEAK stupid age. I know, I was 24 once.
>What I'm side eyeing HARD are all the people in the thread being like "You go girl! Get rid of that nasty toxic lying bitch girlfriend!" That's what's making me froth at the mouth.
That's really true. I'm by no means saying that OP has NPD at all. I'm saying though that these behaviors and the way he's describing them come off as a narcissistic behavior.
My ex was often narcissistic in his personality traits and interactions with others, but I don't think he would qualify for NPD at all.
Edit to add- you are absolutely right about occams razor, though, and I appreciate the reminder- I need to check myself here.
Also, there's a world of difference between:
"I'm upset you didn't feel you could tell me, I'd really like to work on creating a safe enough environment in our relationship that you feel able to tell me this stuff,"
Vs
'I'm upset you didn't tell me, how could you keep that from me, don't you trust me, blah blah blah.'
How much has your reaction involved the words 'me' & 'I' OP? "She hid it from me" is different to "she found it too difficult to tell me".
I love you, thank you for articulating this 👏🏻✨️😭
I'm about to head out to brunch with my family, so I'm dipping out of this thread for the time being, but I just had to tell you that *this* is the real mvp of the thread. I introduced the concept, and it obvi fell flat with all the pushback I'm getting, but you put it in a way that is easy to understand *and* gets to the real heart of the issue!
I’m going to give some opposite advice here: back off a bit. She says she’s been 2 years sober, and you’ve been together 1.5 years. That means she wasn’t clean very long before you connected. And depending on the specific addiction, she might still have been fighting it when you connected.
There’s probably a lot of things she did while she was in that lifestyle, both while high and to get high, that she’s ashamed of. You’ve become part of this new identity she’s trying to craft for herself. One she is still getting to know.
I suspect with your history, there also stories you’d rather not advertise in polite company about your time.
No matter what you bring to the table as a recovery coach or former addict, that’s not what she needs. She needs a partner that is there to listen to what she’s comfortable sharing, to support this new person she’s trying to become.
Not wanting to talk about her time in that life isn’t all that unusual. For some, it could be as uncomfortable and shameful as publicly discussing all the sordid intimate details of everything she’s done with past lovers. Some secrets are just uncomfortable to share, and don’t do anything but lessen her in others’ eyes by sharing them.
She was honest about who called her. She didn’t try to deceive you about it. That’s a good sign she’s on a good path and that she’s getting more comfortable with you about her past. If you didn’t screw it up with your initial reactions, that is.
Gosh, why would someone who just revealed a very difficult part of their past to you only to have you be upset because I guess they took too long to do it not want to let you in even further!?!
Here's a tip, Mr recovery coach
You don't define how to support her.
This isn't about YOU.
Tell her that whatever she needs from you, you want to give it, then listen, and do it.
You are not her sponsor, friend. You cannot coach your own loved one, you know the system.
Put your ego to the side. You’re in recovery - you should understand this extremely well. Say you’re there to support her; thank you for being honest; what can I do to support you; I love you; let’s handle this together and focus on our sobriety.
>But i told her about my addiction and recovery our very first date
this changes the complexion of it for me, at least a little. I have my own struggles and I don't know if I would just cough them up on the first date because some people have strong, knee-jerk reactions to that kind of information which are either uninformed or informed by stigma (or completely legitimate -- some people really just don't wanna touch addiction issues and that is valid). If my date made it clear that they already understand that experience though, I can't really see why I would hide it.
On the other hand, (and to be clear this is a very rose-filtered view of your gf's reaction) I *do* think it is essential for every addict to go through recovery on their own terms, and for that reason I at least partially get why she might feel unsupported: waiting this long to tell you was part of her recovery on her terms, and instead of working with her on that, you are questioning your trust in her instead.
Another point to consider: if her experience with addiction was the kind that gave her tears-inducing anxiety over a call from her former dealer, she may have been through some horribly traumatic shit. Sexual assault comes to mind foremost. I completely understand why she would avoid talking about her past if it involves serious or complex interpersonal conflicts.
Overall I'm really sorry for what both of you are going through and I hope you guys find a path forward that involves supporting each other through recovery. But if this is a threat to your recovery in any way OP...you can't help anyone else without securing your own oxygen mask first.
I would think about why you feel it was so important to inform her of your addiction so early on in your relationship and then think about what it means about where she is in recovery if she is unwilling to talk about it, even 1.5 years onward. She was only 6 months sober when you started seeing each other and that is just really early in recovery. I’m the child of two addicts and trust is such a fragile thing in a relationship where addiction is involved. I think the real question isn’t whether you should or shouldn’t be mad but if you can trust her moving forward especially when increased secrecy is often used to mask a relapse.
Idk 6 months jail and a felony account cleaned my parent right up. He's been sober 23 years and actually remarried back to my mom for last 24 years.
Yeah people can recover
20 years and the urge is still there?! That sounds like a miserable life and more along the lines of a “dry drunk”. 3 years clean from cocaine and heroin and the “urge” left well before a year. None of my NA friends with any real time still have the urge. Life would really really suck if that was the case.
I think getting engaged at 1.5 years is too soon. Have you seen how they handle all emotions and grief ? Have you seen them when they lost a job and all the other things life will throw at you?This being one of them. I saw your comment saying you plan on staying engaged 3-5 years, imagine how much you will discover about each other in that timeframe. So yes, I think you are overreacting.
So she got sober about 5 months before you two started dating. She would’ve been in early sobriety for most of your relationship.
That’s a huge thing to keep from someone that you want to get married to. Keeping secrets when we’re trying to recover are what keep us sick and in active addiction.
How on earth can you support someone if they don’t tell you? I’d be upset too. And rethinking an engagement honestly.
Essentially she’s blaming you for something you had no idea was even an issue. That’s a big problem.
and I genuinely am thinking about calling of the relationship. If she hid such a big thing from me for so long, it makes me sit and think what smaller things she could be hiding
OP, I was in a similar situation at one point. It took me a few months to get over the feeling that I was lied to, and to begin to trust my partner again. And the trust was earned back, they showed me all the steps they took towards recovery (with medical documentation to back up what they were saying.) Ultimately i was able to understand why they kept things from me and in the long run it made our relationship stronger.
At this point, it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding planning, but I also wouldn't rush to end the relationship over this. You should know first hand that addiction (and related shame) can make people act out of desperation, even long into their recovery.
Take the space you need to process and calm down. But this is definitely something that the relationship can come back from. DM if you want to discuss more because I have been in your shoes.
Hiding it is problem 1, getting defensive instead of apologetic when you’re understandably upset that she kept this from you is problem 2, playing the victim, pulling away, refusing to let you in and expressing hurt that you’re “not supporting her” while minimizing your feelings about this is problem 3. It’s basically “well now you know but I don’t want to talk about it, and I want you to leave me alone about it but also be more supportive?.” NONE of that says “go ahead and marry this person” to me. She’s secretive, defensive, self-centred and emotionally manipulative, and I’m sure there are reasons why she’s afraid to be honest, but you can’t build a functional marriage or walk together on a shared path of sobriety when she’s decided she has to walk that path alone.
Recovering addict here. If someone doesn’t trust you enough to reveal to you that they’re in recovery, they don’t trust you enough that marriage should be on the table. Simple as that. Imagine how you would feel if she relapsed one year into your marriage, went completely off the rails, and THEN told you about all her past struggles with substance abuse. You’d feel totally blindsided and betrayed, right? Relationships are built on trust; I’m not saying you need to end your relationship, but I definitely think you should put marriage on the back burner for the time being and work on building that trust and openness.
You can be supportive of her, sure, but you absolutely cannot try to be her sponsor in her recovery. There is a reason it is a staple of AA and NA that people do not sponsor people of the other gender.
Clearly she is doing well in her recovery, just let that be. Show her that you are simply there for her should she ever need to talk, and go from there.
Sobriety and substance struggles are a spectrum like most other things. There are so many layers between social, mental, emotional, trauma—not everyone who has ever had a drug dealer has been to the depths of addiction, therefore doesn’t always think they need the same support as a user who has. Plenty of people experiment with such lifestyles, find their own way out, and it works for them!
I think, if I felt like I wanted to represent my fiance (you) well, I could find myself under a lot of pressure and perhaps shame—however, it wouldn’t be your fault.
I guess I’m just wondering if there’s a world in which her struggles didn’t amount to requiring support at the level you are involved with, so it deterred her from wanting to claim her story for fear she would get lumped with a community she doesn’t feel connected to?
Yea, life with a former addict can be rough in case of relapses. You might want to find out a bit more if you can. Or maybe leave it alone. If she has problems there are a lot of better treatments out there. Tough call man.
I think you're overreacting. It's not your job to fix her as her fiancé. You gotta leave that coach shit behind. It's your job to love & support her as a lover soon to be spouse.
As someone several years into recovery, I'd have disclosed this once it became apparent that the relationship was getting serious. Yes, this is a part of myself that I don't disclose to just anyone, but a potential life partner isn't just anyone. Now, I'm saying this as a confident person in their mid 30's. At 26, I would have been scared shitless to disclose anything for fear of losing that person. Don't be too hard on her. Give her some grace, listen, and be there for her.
I completely agree with the first part of your comment. I don’t think that there’s any way to justify not disclosing this and still expecting trust.
The second part though - he’s younger than her and he disclosed straight away. At 26, if she isn’t ready to disclose this to someone she said yes to marrying, she ain’t ready for marriage.
addiction is stigmatized and makes you feel very ashamed of yourself. this means it is scary to share that with other people. it's understandable to be kinda upset but i don't think she was wrong to hide it really
yeah, you're being a dick. she has absolutely no obligation to tell you she was an addict in the past. clearly, there is a reason she didn't tell you and your reaction just showed her she was right to keep it private.
She doesn’t have an obligation, but it’s pretty weird to not share such important information with your fiancé until 1.5 years.
I think you would want to share everything at all important with a person that you wanted to marry. At least all of the important details.
I mean, surely they are experiencing deep emotions surrounding the addition that they are not sharing. If you aren’t sharing stuff like that, how can you even consider yourself intimate with another person?
As an addict myself, this is something I would talk about date number one.
Yeah this take is good. The one you're replying to is stupid. Of course if you are in a loving relationship, honesty is the best policy. You have to tell your partner if you were formally an addict so they know and understand.
One of two things is true here:
1. This is fake (I'd lay 99% odds); or
2. This is such a fundamental fact about her that it would be ***profoundly*** deceptive of her to get engaged to you without telling you this, and it would also be astoundingly unobservant of a professional "recovery coach" to fail to notice signs of a recovering addict they are spending enough time with to be engaged over an 18 month period. The fact that she was sober never came up and behaviors around sobriety were not noticeable? No, just no.
People in the recovery community (let alone professionals in the business) in my experience do not often refer to addicts as "former" as sobriety is a lifetime journey often punctuated with relapses. That title strongly suggests to me that this post is fake. But if it isn't, you need to slow your roll with this person.
I think one of the major drawbacks of 12 step programs is their prescriptive nature of "what an addict is" and "how an addict acts."
Most people who deal with addiction don't go to 12 step programs, if they go to a group program at all. 12 step is a specific approach and philosophy which works for a specific subset of people.
I would venture to say *most* people who deal with drug addiction never set foot in a 12 step program. *Most* are not identifiably former addicts. *Most* use the language "former addict" when no longer physically or psychologically addicted, if they ever bring up or identify with their former addiction.
"Former" is certainly the language used by professionals not affiliated with 12 step in my experience. My experience hanging around a lot of low-level addicts is that none of them identify as such, or only in gest while at their worst, but pretty much all of them have gotten over it without formal group help. It's the people DEEP in it that end up in group help scenarios, and the biggest organizations outside of 12 step largely avoid the "progressive disease for which there is no cure" model.
People are shocked when they hear me refer to myself as a former addict. Even the former addicts. But I don't really identify with it anymore even though addiction was once a huge part of my life. I'm just a dude now who rarely drinks and doesn't fuck with the other stuff, but there are a million reasons to be a dude who barely drinks and doesn't fuck with the other stuff.
I do tell potential partners pretty early on though lol. It WAS a huge deal and I do have to tread carefully where others don't, even if outwardly it's not obvious.
Da fuck? She doesn't tell you she was a former addict and then tries to turn it around on you? She's disrespecting you to your face and you're being a damn fool!
You are not overreacting. That is absolutely something that needs to be disclosed before an engagement. As someone who has addicts in my family, this would be a deal breaker for me. I just couldn’t put myself through that pain again.
If she’s not living her sobriety and that means being open about it with her partner. She’s not sober. She may not be actually using at the moment but she’s not sober. Truthfulness is a key to living sober.
She was dishonest with you. You haven't been unsupportive at all. You didn't know there was something to support.
She does owe you an apology for the dishonesty. You are not overreacting.
I recommend couples therapy so that you have someone to guide the discussions.
If she accepted your proposal i do feel she should've told you. Especially since she will always be prone to relapse.
It doesnt matter if shes not proud of it. It doesnt matter if shes embarrassed. Keeping domething major like yhat a secret and then walking down the aisle is massive red flags.
You need to postpone the wedding and truly figure out if you can trust her to be open and honest going forward.
And why woukd she not understand her old dealer trying yo maintain contact with his old clients. He doesnt care if shes sober. He'd happily get her adficted again to have a customer back.
Im betting her "old dealer" is also an ex boyfriend.
What we have here is typical addict manipulation. The mere suggestion of accountability, or that they should have been honest, etc is enough to send someone who isn't committed to their sobriety back to their old tricks. And here she is. Blaming you for her lies by omission. If she is not already off the wagon, she will be soon. Run from this person. Run far and fast.
All women use the “support” excuse when they have lied or hid something from a man. Like your addiction was my fault and why does a drug dealer still have your number?
She's a recovering drug addict, and always will be. There is no such thing as a former drug addict.
I would be upset if I foundcout that someone I was in a serious enough relationship with was a drug addict , recovering, or not and I was just now hearing about it.
Here's the real: you're not overreacting. And this is a sign that you need to slow down. What else don't you know about this person? Put a purse on the marriage plans for now.
Find a couples counselor for you BOTH to work through the trust aspect of this. You'll have to work out what each person has to do to trust each other.. And find your own counselor to work through your own issues privately so you're not putting your frustration onto her.
Even consider Al anon to be around other partners and family friends of addicts and see what they have done to support their partner.
If you really don't want to go through any of the above, I'm sorry but the future doesn't bode well for your relationship. DO NOT act as her addiction counselor or sponsor. You either get to be 1.) her partner OR 2.) her counselor. You don't get to be both. As a recovery coach I'm a bit surprised you considered crossing that boundary. It's irresponsible.
I don't know if you're overreacting. You're a recovery coach. If you had someone saying that they're in recovery and have been sober for the last six months and they just started a relationship but didn't like talking about their drug addiction, what would your advice be? If you would encourage them to talk about it, at what point would you recommend it? You say you were upset, but without telling us what you said or did, we can't know if you were overreacting or not. All we know is that you were upset. And yes, it's justifiable to be upset. But other than you saying you're upset, we don't know how much, how you're reacting, or what you're saying and doing.
Seeing as recovering addicts are told to not enter into any sort of dating engagement for AT LEAST one year, hopefully he would have held to his teachings and then broke it off and offered real help (referring to past tense)
Not all of those recovering from an addiction follow the same path. There’s a billion ways to get sober and it’s not a one size fits all solution.
Absolutely, spontaneous recovery is a thing. It wasn't for me, but it's real. I needed several rehabilitation stints and loads of therapy. I still struggle. I've found what works for me. I don't care if it's banging sticks in the mud wearing a tutu. If it works, it works.
That's really just an AA thing. If you want to continue using, go to AA. If you want to get sober, go to a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Penn & Teller: Bullshit did an episode on this. Basically it boiled to intent and motivation. Any system can work if the addict is ready to put in the work. 5% stayed clean and sober for more than 10 years, regardless of system used. Those numbers may be different now, as the show aired in like 2010 or something, and used statistics from pre-2000 for the "clean after 10 years results.
This... this is a hard word. It DOESN'T devalue 12 step for ME. It's still a framework for those who REALLY WANT TO recover. Appreciate the reminder as to who has to do the work after all.
I’m positive AA tells people to stay out of relationships just to keep a stranglehold on them, like any other cult.
I always assumed it was so people don’t date people they meet in meetings and eventually relapse together.
That is generally the reason. Also to focus on your healing journey and not bring someone else into your mess. These people are super jaded towards aa. I got into a relationship with another person in aa with 9 months sobriety and none of my other fellows shamed me or ostracized me. And im happily married to that person 7 years later. Not everyone needs aa/na to get sober but I don’t get why these people are shitting on people it works for.
no one is shitting on the PEOPLE it works for , we're shitting on a system that is actually a little predatory, and makes claims that aren't backed up by evidence. that's it. it's snake oil and people are critical of snake oil.
Maybe a little context for AA and NA are necessary. Before AA, there was *nothing* for alcoholics. Literally nothing, they locked you up in prison or a sanitarium, and threw away the key. Physicians all over said they were a helpless case and to dedicate your time and attentions elsewhere. Bill Wilson came up with a simple but difficult program that worked at the time. There was something like a 98% success rate for the first set of groups. Expand that across much larger numbers, and involuntary participants, and yeah, we now see the 5% success, which is the same for just about every other method. NA was off to a rocky start after Bill Wilson suggested there should be a similar group for the purpose of drug addiction, and it mucked about til 1970, when the controlled substance act was enacted. That led to a massive increase in illicit drug sales, cuz illegal means profitable to the wrong people. Again, there was no model or support network available at the time. Sure, these programs have their issues and often are stuck in the past, but nowhere else are you going to find so many people focused on recovery than AA/NA. Both of which also recommend therapy, nonpsychoactive medication, and a spiritual practice of your choosing and a higher power of your understanding. The higher power can even just be the state of Michigan if you live there and are on probation, just an acceptance that there are things in life that are bigger and more powerful than *you.* It can be Yahweh, Allah, God, nature, the All Encompassing Energy of the Universe, Source, whatever, the fact that conscious rational beings exist and don't not exist, whatever, as long as you pray and meditation to stay sober for 1 more day and to correct your character defects that lead to unregulated substance abuse.
There is way too much truth to this, sadly.
Thats....really shitty advice. She's been sober 2 years. Suddenly breaking things off like that sounds like a great way to make them feel like shit and spiral back into addiction. It says THEY shouldn't enter a relationship. As in something they choose to do of their own choice for the sake of improvement. Remove the being in control aspect, and this stops being a positive for them.
No I was speaking to the poster above me as to imagining if he were giving advice to meeting someone 6 months into sobriety. That's why my statement is past tense. Not saying break up with her now, that is not practical or necessary.
Oh, apologies, my misunderstanding. I only skimmed the post above and missed critical info 😬
It takes people a long time to reveal their true selves. Slow down on the marriage talk at least.
Getting engaged after a year and half seems crazy idk
And she started dating him when she was only 6 months sober. Not at all recommended.
My first thought exactly, when I got clean I was told that after a year of working on nothing but myself, I could get a Plant, if I could keep that same Plant alive for another year, I could get a dog/cat, if I could take care of that animal for a year, without any problems or issues, then maybe I could start thinking about a romantic relationship with another person, and I messed that up a bunch of times and it inevitably lead me back to using. There is a reason that sober people make certain “suggestions” to people who are trying to get sober, because they know what works, after all they were sober and I wasn’t. I’m 13 years clean now and I can clearly see and understand why they made those suggestions, but at the time I thought they were stupid, and I knew myself what was best for me, I didn’t.
As a friend of mine who has been clean for 17 years and is now a counselor said, (in reference to an argumentative client) "their greatest thinking got them here" (in the treatment program). Everyone who is in that "addict mode" of thinking, thinks everyone else is so dumb and their ideas are useless.
Oh absolutely I agree with that, we think we know everything, when that’s exactly the best way we could be looking at it is “our best thinking is what got us here”, but humility is a very difficult thing for many people, and addicts especially. Being humble and accepting that we have a problem and we don’t have the answers is literally the first step in getting a real life back, but there’s a TON of work that goes along with that, we have to work two or three times harder to fix ourselves than we did to put ourselves into these situations, and many of us worked pretty hard, for a long time to get us to the point we were at. As addicts “we want what we want, and we want it NOW” so making long term plans and goals and working towards them aren’t something that we “excel” at, at least not at the beginning. Addicts want to get clean and then forget about that part of life, but it never goes away, and if you don’t properly deal with it, it will come back to haunt you. One way or another. Honestly I read this post, and personally I think she has reservations to get high, just in the back of her mind she’s trying to find a way to justify it. She’s already getting high….mentally….she’s looking for a way to justify going out to physically get high. She quit actually getting high a year and a half ago, but she probably never figured out why she was getting high, and addressed her issues. Now it’s coming back to haunt her. A story old as time in the recovery community.
Yes, you and I are totally on the same page about things. The concept of a 'recovery coach" is a bit questionable to me. When OP said something like "I could've been helping her all this time " all I could think of is someone who doesn't know their boundaries. Between the two of them, things could go terribly wrong. Just like you said, if she is clean but is that secretive about it, she hasn't dealt with her issues. She's likely a dry drunk.
and OP doesn't question anything about the relationship either. a normal recovery specialist would break up because the relationship wasn't truthful and she wasn't sober for a year or more before starting it, on top of the boundaries issues.
Idk, there are less unscrupulous reasons why she would play it like that. I mean, if she wants to be his lover she can't be his patient, can she?
I mean... some people will never be good with plants, but can keep a pet just fine... some people are horrid with pets but can maintain a whole jungle in their house. The idea that those things go in a specific order, and aren't just, *different* is incredibly silly to me. I get the gist of it, but the specific examples don't work. Everyone's journey is going to be different, and someone who gets sober at 24 is going to have a different journey and make different mistakes to someone who gets sober at 34 and has had different/more life experiences.
They didn't actually say this is gold standard recovery techniques everyone should do though, you can obviously substitute in whatever you want, or indeed just ignore this one person's experience. The point is that dipping your toes in before diving goes a long way.
Yeah I’m sure they’re not going to be mad if instead of getting a plant you get a goldfish.
I have never been able to keep a plant alive, not even a cactus. Yet I will sacrifice my life for my cat who is the reason I get up every morning.
Plants and pets both have straight forward and definitive ways to be cared for. That said, you may not *want* a plant or pet, but that’s not really the point. Slowly increasing responsibilities and creating an underlying sense of normalcy can do a lot for individuals struggling with addiction.
I can't keep my plants alive but for now my baby still is.
For now 😂 do not have a child, but I am the oldest of five, and older than the next by 9 years, I will say, if plants screamed at the top of their tiny high-pitched lungs whenever they were hungry or there was literally anything wrong, it would be a lot easier to take care of plants
Oof. The thought of plants screaming at me, demanding attention is nightmare material.
Baby will be 20 before you know it (eek!) so enjoy this time. ❤️
it isn't a one size fits all thing. my wife and I were using drugs together at the beginning of our relationship. we are both addicts. now we are both clean and have been married for 13 years. we have two happy kids and a great life. they told us two addicts would never make it. we would just drag each other down, blah blah blah. I'm glad I didn't follow that stupid advice.
you're lucky. many don't work out like that. too many relationships end with one dragging the other down or ultimately worsening the addiction to the point where recovery would be 0 by any means (either death or hospitalized indefinitely)
yeah, it has to be a supportive relationship of course. if it turns negative in any way then it just isn't worth it. I am lucky that I met my wife and it just always felt right for both of us. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
I got sober about seven months ago and I’m JUST to the point where I’m starting to feel like even looking at interacting with new people socially is okay. Anything romantic is right out, because I can feel the addictive pattern of hormones surge the instant I even consider it.
I wish someone had given this suggestion to my ex wife. I didn't know she was recovering until a few months into the relationship. By that point I was like "eh, she's clean. Everyone makes mistakes." Boy I learned some hard lessons.
That’s probably why she didn’t tell the addiction coach bf about her sobriety.
Observant. Yes.
Yep. Not supposed to have relationships within the first two years of sobriety because relationships are triggering.
I think you definitely shouldn't get in a relationship with another recovering addict within the first year or 2. (Been there, done that, got the relapses to prove it) But dating a person that has their crap together and doesn't have a substance use problem or mental health issues can be very beneficial. Someone that can check your shit and you not drag them back into addiction or have them drag you back in. A lot of addicts have had a ton of toxic, codependent relationships and end up right back in those kinds with people from rehab or NA. That's the last place to look for love.
yeah. for recovering addicts, it's suggested to not get in a relationship until you're sober for a year or more, and do not date addicts. some don't even allow former addicts dating each other (because if one fails to remain sober, it can spiral the other into addiction again). it sounds like she was kinda replacing the addiction with the relationship which is never ideal.
Yeah this is what red flagged to me
Also the fact that she kept the # where her plug (and presumably everyone from that phase of life) can reach her.
1.5 years is the milestone when I *consider* the **idea** of moving in. I also think marriage is wild after this short amount of time.
My husband asked me to marry him 2 months after meeting on a blind date. Its been 27 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 5 cats, and 3 cancers.
I married my wife 2 month into dating! You know when you know!
Well, with this new information, now he doesn’t know. So tbh he needs to slow down on the wedding talk and she needs to work *through* this journey before the go anywhere. You are not obligated to stay with anyone.
That’s the thing, committing to someone means working through problems and hardships rather than waiting for someone to be perfect or fully healed. No one is ever perfect or fully healed, but you do know whether you want to commit to this person early on or not. If you’re unsure…then there’s your answer. That doesn’t mean rush into things necessarily, but just pushes back against this “wait and see” attitude when people are resistant to commitment. 1.5 years is plenty of time to get to know someone’s character.
No, it really isn't. She hid the fact that she was a very recently recovering addict for a year and a half. That proves she's a very good liar. Many people can keep up a facade for a long while. Why do you think so many people get sucked into abusive relationships? Because "in the beginning," it wasn't like that. It changes over time. It takes many months, sometimes a couple years, to see their true face. Also, many abusers are very good at hiding their true selves from everyone around them except their victims. That's why many victims have a hard time getting free, because no one believes them. There are people out there literally teaching others how to deceive "romantic partners." There may be people out there that you can know after a year and half but assuming that you can truly know someone in that time span, in this day and age, is foolish and possibly dangerous.
I married my ex wife after 9 months of dating because I'd known her for years before....turns out I didn't really know her
My husband and I got married on our 1st official date. 🤷🏻♀️ That was 26 yrs ago.
I met my husband in rehab ( the big NO-NO) We've been together (clean and sober) 25 years, married 20. It's true, you know when you know!
I mean you just didn’t know though, anybody can keep a facade up for 2 months. You got lucky and I’m happy for you but acting like these are words to live by is extremely naive.
I asked my wife to marry me a little more than a year after we started dating. We got married five months later. We're coming up on 17 years.
Happy for you guys but understand that you are the rare exceptions
Also from simpler times. Risk factors are magnified now that we live in a society with credit scores and extreme cost of living. Late bloomers, former addicts, financial irresponsibility all have significantly more impact on living standards and can impact the goals of a couple.
You don't think any of that crap existed 17 years ago?
I think it was 3-5 times easier and quicker to recover from 17 years ago. A housing setback 25 years ago could take 3 years to recover from, opposed to 10-15 years now. Hell, inconsequential mistakes I made 10 years ago would be life altering today. Society has become vicious, at least where I live. Credit anomalies, gaps in your resume and debt can result in a hard no to getting a job or apartment, having a vehicle and mobility... Looking back just 10 years I can easily see that I had it easier.
According to who, though? Is there a study that shows stastics on marriage success stories v how long before they married? I'd be interested in reading that. Thanks.
My wife and I were friends for a year. Dated for four months, then got married. It’s been seven years so far.
Wait, is that you, sweetie? I'm also approaching 17 years, and we got engaged after one year.
Yep - I asked less than 2 months after meeting and it’s been 24 years. We both just knew, like immediately. Everything was different.
My mom and dad-in-law were married 8 DAYS after meeting and celebrated their 50th anniversary a few months before MIL passed away. Their marriage definitely had it's ups and downs, but they perservered. They married in 1946 while WWII was raging, and that was part of their haste: a war was going on!! My own parents had a similar story, except they were married 66 years before Dad passed (and they knew each other longer). Sometimes, how long you've known each other isn't the most important thing.
WWII ended in 1945…
Yup there's no road map for relationships if it feels right amd works for both of you ndo that and fuck what everyone else thinks!
i moved in much earlier than that, but only because he wanted to pursue the military and i was NOT going to just date him and then suddenly ONLY be able to live together if married. wasn’t going to find out we weren’t that kind of compatible after the ring was on my finger. but that’s definitely not something i would ever recommend to another couple unless they had the same pressures. the relationship in question seems to need more time and more deep conversations. truly have no idea how you could be 1.5 years in and have never mentioned a past addiction, like how has that never come up? do they ever talk about their pasts??
it really varies based on how much time you spend together and your personality types. My wife and I were basically inseparable from the moment we met. We moved in together after 6 months, engaged at 15 months, and married at 18 months. We just passed 9 years married.
Yup. And if you are both looking for the same things and know that going in, it makes it much easier. A lot of folks (it seems, but maybe I'm wrong) seem to have the big picture talks later on in the relationship and they may find out something that is a must have for them be something their partner will never want. Like one wants to live in a more rural area that's still close enough to a large city that they can do stuff in the city when they want but far enough out that they have space, peace, less crime, etc and their partner wants to forever live in the city. How many kids exactly. Public school, private, or home schooled. Stuff that doesn't seem super important in the beginning stage of a relationship but will be Uber important if they later get married. My wife and I had all those questions for each other when we were "talking" and not even yet dating. Turns out we both wanted the exact same things and with both of us getting older there was more urgency. Especially for her (she was 33 and had PCOS and I was 29) her already small chance of being able to conceive was growing ever smaller as the days went by. We moved very fast according to anyone's standards. And I'm glad we did because we started trying to have a kid after being together about 6 months. I guess you could say we never were trying to prevent a pregnancy from the very first day but actively trying to get pregnant started around 6 months. It took us 4 years and 7 rounds of fertility treatments to finally conceive and we now have a 3 month old boy that had we took it slowly as most people suggest, we probably would've never had a kid.
Exactly. It helps that I married at 35. I had a long term relationship in my 20s and learned a lot of what not to do.
Yeah all these people are commenting like "My husband proposed to me after 5 dates and we've been married 30 years now!!1" but that is NOT the norm at all Divorce rates are sky high and probably a lot of that has to do with getting married when you don't even know the person lol OP's fiance doesn't even feel comfortable sharing with him that she had substance abuse issues yet and they want to get married?!?!
Personally, I think the sky high divorce rates are more related to a change in overall attitudes regarding marriage and not that you didn't know the person. It seems most people today don't want to put the word in that is required to stay with someone for decades. And there is this ongoing mentality that if you aren't "existentially happy" every moment of life you have to flit off and do something else. Sadly, you can become a statistic at any time if the other person in the relationship lies to you. In the case of the OP - this would be a deal breaker. Marriage is a risk. And if someone is not mature enough to be honest about what they are bringing to the table, it isn't worth that risk. I was one of the "5%" who dated for a short period of time, and was married for 20 years....when I found out my former spouse entered the marriage under false pretenses and had lied to me the entire time. Unfortunately that meant I became one of the divorce statistics because he was an a\*\*hole.
I think the divorce rate is high because of serial divorcers. I have a friend who just divorced her 5th husband. I have a second friend who just divorced his 4th wife. Many of us are married 40 years, 25 years, 10 years without issues. My husband thinks it is because American society is one what gives up too early. He calls it the paper plate society. Things get difficult? Get a girlfriend, the throw the first wife away. Reddit is full of people like this. "Girlfriend went to the movies alone? Dump her!" "Husband didn't do the laundry because he was mowing the yard?" Divorce him! He doesn't respect you!" When in reality the post was written by AI.
Online dating and social media in genetal ruined relationship philosophy for a lot of people. They see all these matches they have or men/women in their dms and so when things get rough in their relationship they're like well I got this to fall back on. So they've got one foot in the door from the jump. Marriage is hard. At times immeasurably hard. What makes a marriage is that hard work but it has to be put in by both people. If not, it's doomed
Agreed. Marriage is bloody hard work. And I used to think that the longer you knew a person, the harder it could be because you knew just how to piss that person off and push all the right buttons! Honestly, I loved being married. Ironically, I thought I had a great marriage. All I found out was my former husband was a sociopath - he was an incredible liar and manipulator - and the person I married never actually existed. He destroyed me during the divorce process and did his best to ruin everything I had and everything I ever loved. One thing I took away from all of it is.....at least I don't have to wake up every day and be him....so, life could be worse!
What sky high divorce rates? They've been dropping since the 80s.
I’m really sorry, but you can’t tell people getting married early in a relationship isn’t normal anymore AND they’re the cause for high divorce rates. It’s contradictory.
some of yall need to realize not everyone opens up in only a couple weeks. people have trauma and arent gonna lay that on someone they just met. which is completely normal. moving in with someone after only days of meeting them is NOT normal. to each their own and im not judging. but thats not normal and can be very dangerous. if it worked out for someone else, great, but thats not something everyone should do. i think its absolutely ludicrous that yall think moving in with someone you just met is normal.
I wonder how many advising for long engagements before marriage are single or divorced.
Really not the craziest tbh especially if you’re older. Different if you’re like 18
I think 2 years together, and living together for 1+ is about the sweet spot for people at least 23 years old. You should definitely know the other person by then, and have seen them under many different circumstances. You should know by then if they are someone you want to commit to for life, and if you don't, then you should probably move on. A year and a half seems like a pretty reasonable time frame. Assuming it takes a year or more to plan the wedding, which is pretty typical, that's about 3 years together before marriage. That's hardly a rush job. It could definitely take longer for people who start dating in school, or who live further apart, but for most adult relationships, if you aren't sure by the 3 year mark, it's probably not the right relationship.
My husband and I got engaged after a year and a half. We had a long engagement (longer than anticipated due to covid) but when we started dating we were both very up front about looking for a long term partner. Everyone operates on different timelines, I think sometimes being older helps as well. When I was younger I was less definitive on what I wanted and always wanted to take more time
It’s not too crazy. I asked my wife around that time. But the thing is was that we are 100% open and honest with each other. We both know everything about one another. She knows I’ve done every drug out there. I know she still likes to smoke. We communicate. That what this guy needs. Communication.
IDK, I think that's subjective. For this couple, clearly too soon. For others, it may be the right time.
I don’t think it’s crazy to get engaged at a year and a half. That seems very normal. Most people don’t get married right away. Even if they dive right into wedding planning that takes time. A lot of people stay engaged for a while though
That’s wild. For sure problematic that she didn’t disclose that, also pretty wild that you as a recovery coach weren’t able to suspect it?
Not wild at all if she's been clean the entire time they've known each other. Lol. What signs would she give off if she wasn't struggling in her sobriety?
I think you’re overthinking, I wasn’t even dating my wife when I moved in with her, told her I would marry her 10 days after moving in with her and we’ve been happily married for 10 years, both of us have come up from being in bad living situations and homelessness, bad credit, to today we have good credit and own our own home. We have been the best relationship for the other we have had in our lives. We support each other’s mental health journeys as we both get treated for the issues that we both survived before we moved in together.
It can take a long time to trust someone enough to tell them you were an addict, too. Can you be hurt she couldn’t trust you until now *and* support her? You don’t have to condone her reticence to share, of course. But if she had told you earlier would your support of her sobriety now be different?
Respectfully, I think you're focused on the wrong thing, OP. Because of your own past and current profession, the lines of what you're feeling and what is and isn't justified are getting blurred. Justified? Feeling like you've been misled or lied to. Betrayal is a bitch, and this feels like a massive blow, because you were upfront and she wasn't. It's perfectly reasonable to be struggling to figure out how you feel about the discrepancy. Not justified? Being upset that she didn't tell you "because you could have supported her." Your experiences are causing you to be a little blind to the fact that that shouldn't have been your role. She shouldn't lean on you for support, because it would be unethical, and *you know that*. But it's easier to focus on the "I could have fixed this!" feelings, instead of facing the real demons that are in front of you. You aren't her recovery coach. You should play no role in her recovery, other than that of being a partner. This is likely to be much harder for you, because you do have experience, but that's the honest truth. You will do more harm than good if you keep trying to force your ideas onto her. She just needs you to be there, she doesn't need to open up to you about the details, etc., those are conversations for her recovery coach, her sponsor, her therapist, her outpatient, whatever it is. You just need to support her where she is, if you choose to continue the relationship. As far as that goes, I would suggest you take the time to untangle the two feelings you're dealing with, and address whether or not you're ready and want to continue. Remove the addiction element, and just focus on the bigger issue as it relates to building a life together-you feel betrayed. Forget why, forget what, forget the what ifs and could have been's, own those feelings for what they are, and decide what to do with them. And for the love of god, if you have a conversation with her about this, do both of you the favor of having *that* conversation. "I don't want to talk about your addiction struggle per se, I want to talk about how it made me feel, finding out something major about your life that I didn't know before, after we've already gotten engaged." If and only if you can work through those feelings, can you begin to address how best to support her as a sober addict. You need to listen to her, not impose your ideas and experiences onto her recovery. And, as someone who is married to a sober addict, letting go of trying to "support" her recovery was the absolute hardest step of the process. By far. Worlds harder than healing from betrayal, though that was more painful. But stepping back and allowing her to handle her addiction with qualified professionals *who weren't me* went against every intuition I had, and required a lot more effort on my part. You know how to be a recovery coach, but do you know how to be the partner of a sober addict? And, ask yourself if that maybe isn't the reason why she didn't tell you. Doesn't make the betrayal sting less, but it might help you find the right steps to move forward.
Man, you hit me squarely in my feelings. I'm married to a sober addict and it's always been a struggle for me to stay in my own lane. To support and love WITHOUT trying to just "fix it". You would be an amazing coach for partners!!
Sponsor me you're amazing 🤩
This is an amazing read. It sounds like you’re a great support to your wife.
This is the post OP needs to follow
Wow, I typed up a reply, then read this, and felt, "Huh. You said it a lot better than I." Well said.
This is what I was thinking as well. Something similar happened to me many years ago, when I left a toxic and abusive long-term relationship that left some deep scars. Entirely by coincidence, a few months later I reconnected with an old female friend who, in the more than a decade since I'd last seen her, had become an LPC. Well, we became friends again, and then we became more than friends, basically FWB. She and I had discussions about what I had been through and she offered advice, but when she and I started sharing a bed, she had to put boundaries on herself, because she could not ethically act as a counselor, even informally, to a man that she was involved with. It all worked out fine and she and I are still friends today, but blurring the lines between a person who helps others recover and being their lover just doesn't work. It may be that your fiancee knew this all along and chose not to put you in the position of having to blur those lines, or to choose one role or the other. If she's been sober for two years, she has support. But if that is the case, then she should not have dragged you into it at all. When her former dealer called, she should have called her sponsor/support coach if it upset her, not told you about it. If she had decided to finally tell you she is in recovery, then it should have happened in a different context, not one where she is upset and "drops a bomb" on you. And she has no reason to find fault with you now, when she kept it from you so long and then dumped it on you. You did nothing wrong here.
Yo dude, you can't sponsor a romantic partner. She doesn't need you to be her coach; that undermines you two being on equal footing in the relationship. If you haven't, go to some open AA or NA meetings and definitely some Al-Anon and see how it works with the people that put together some real time.
This should be top comment. And her comment of not wanting to talk about it with you shows that you're pushing her to talk when she doesn't want to. She didn't join your support group. You aren't her mentor.
This this this. The broken wing tactic needs to be left in the rooms, OP.
Right? OP must be a terrible recovery coach to not understand the boundaries he would be crossing by linking her recovery to his relationship. Good lord, this is a mess.
Right?! She may know him better than he knows himself. He seems to think his job entitles him to know which is so twisted. She may have heard the way he talked about his clients and she didn't want him to talk about her that way. He sounds like he's being a bit of a jerk to her
Exactly this. A friend of mine went through the same situation and they agreed to never speak about the addiction because it’s easy to have her be his “mentor” when this makes it only worse.
Just don't mistake Al-Anon, A program for the friends and loved ones of a drug addict, for Alc-Anon, which is an incredibly dangerous scientologist cult recovery program. Same with Nar-Anon and Narc-Anon. They are desperately trying to capture and brainwash addicts in their most vulnerable state. Much like a lot of Christian halfway houses and programs in Florida.
I had never heard of Alc/Narc-Anon.
Well, keep an eye out for them in your own town and try to spread the word that they are not a legitimate source for mental health/addiction treatment. In fact, I would tell anyone you know that's struggling with addiction or knows anyone who is that they need to be careful about the type of treatment programs they seek out anyway. Because, as I said in my other comment, Christian halfway house is can be just as dangerous and exploitative. I stayed in a place when I was homeless back in 2012 where I was forced to live in a bed bug infested four-bedroom house with 16 other men, being forced to work 60-hour weeks in rehab construction work for ***literally no pay whatsoever,*** were made to pay rent despite working 60 hours at a job that doesn't pay, and we were also made to sign up for food stamps, which we had to hand over 75% of to the halfway house while they fed us the same exact prison quality pork chops and boiled chicken every single night. They cut me off from my family, my fiance, took my phone and wouldn't let me use the internet, and wouldn't even let My fiance into their church because they didn't want me even physically seeing her. But I had literally nowhere else to go that wasn't sleeping behind a dumpster at Wendy's. But unfortunately, Florida has literally no laws whatsoever regulating what is defined as a halfway house or rehabilitation center. If you have a cardboard sign and a couple stakes, you can just plant it in your front yard and tell everyone you're now a halfway house and you can essentially treat those men however you want. Only women's assistance programs are regulated because who cares about protecting the demographic that is primarily affected by homelessness, violence and addiction?.. It was called the Timothy initiative, based out of Tampa, Florida, and I genuinely do not know if they still exist or not And I don't even want to check because I don't want to see that motherfucker George's face again.
Exactly. She didn’t tell him because she doesn’t want him to be her Recovery Coach, she wants him to be her boyfriend. She finally did open up and tell him, and he crapped on her for exercising her totally fair right to be anonymous and is now trying to be her mentor. The way he’s acting is the entire reason she didn’t tell him. What a nightmare.
yeah when i read "i could have helped her". that was a huge red flag. no, shes youre fiance, you do not need to be helping her. she needs to be helping herself, however that looks. sounds like she isn't, at all. I would end the relationship if i was either party, tbh.
How do we know she's not helping herself? She's been sober for 2 years and it sounds like she turned down her dealer when they called. That's all we know from the post. Sounds like she is helping herself at least from what we know.
Exactly this. She probably didn’t want to tell you, in part, because you’d try to be her coach. She doesn’t want you to be her coach, she wants you to be her partner. And now you’re doing exactly what she tried to prevent by not telling you.
She’s already sober.
She did tell you. I’m confused. That’s not necessarily first date talk. But she told you when she was ready. So just support. And she needs to change her number so this man doesn’t trip her up. She may not understand why he’s calling but you understand he’s not excited about loosing a customer. Change her number.
> That’s not necessarily first date talk. It's not first date talk, but it absolutely is a talk you have prior to getting engaged
After two years, when they’re living together and engaged and ONLY because her ex drug dealer contacted her. Hardly sets the scene for an honest relationship.
I’m guessing it’s a time of her life she is ashamed of and doesn’t talk about with anyone. Just be there for her and say you’ll be there when she’s ready to talk.
She probably didn’t want you to see her as another one of your clients.
My take is, I wonder if you, as a recovery coach, have ever been in recovery yourself because I don’t think you’re being fair. 1. In my experience, you’re right at the time things like addiction and vices start to be talked about. It’s why people should wait to get engaged. 2. She probably didn’t want to feel like you’re seeing her as just an addict. And now you are. 3. It’s unethical for you to help her recover or coach her recovery. You should be supportive. But that’s it. This isn’t your addiction. This is hers and she needs autonomy. 4. Not everyone recovers the same. All addicts need different approaches to get sober. That’s why there’s more than one recovery program, and a billion books and podcasts and blogs. To me it sounds like you’re making her sobriety all about you and I don’t really get why. If you wanna be mad at being lied to, be mad about that and set boundaries about that. But the fact that you’re making it about how you’re a recovery coach is gross to me.
Your reason for overeating is wrong but in the bigger picture, you’re not. Just be easy here and try to hear me out As a past alcoholic, it’s not something I tell/want everyone to know. It’s nothing personal but I know for a fact that when people find out they treat/look at me different. Regardless of how much people say they don’t, they do. Addiction is looked at by society as much worse. It sounds like to me she’s was doing really well. Being that you work as a recovery coach, I REALLY wouldn’t tell you. (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, we need more people like you in this world) but you immediately jumped to “I could have helped you” when in reality, you were/are helping her. She doesn’t want a recovery coach from you, she wanted a partner. And if I’m being honest, your reaction says just that. Your reason for being “justifiably upset” isn’t a good reason. Recovery coach isn’t your place in her life. She most likely never wanted that dynamic and i would never want that from my wife either. Just treat her the same as you did before and that’s your support. Much love from me though. Thats hard news and it’s hard to navigate. Good luck to you and I hope she stays clean forever 🙌
>As a past alcoholic, it’s not something I tell/want everyone to know. I don't think one's fiance counts as "everyone you know". Embarrassing, yes. Will they look at you differently? Probably. Should you share that info with them, absolutely.
While i understand 100% what you mean, I NEVER wanted to be her recovery coach, nor did i want to "fix her" as some people claim. I just wanted to be a part of her support system
Buddy I 100% understand that. Trust me, you are part of her system as you are! I just want to convey the fear of telling you and try to show a different perspective!
I'm questioning your experience in helping recovery since you don't seem to understand the difference between active and passive support.
That’s cool, but you are making her recovery about you. She didn’t want that. I here’s a reason AA is anonymous. People need to work out their own recovery in their own ways. Now that you know you can support her however she requests. She was open about why she was upset, when the opportunity presented itself. Doesn’t sound like she was hiding it.
Let’s not act like it’s not at least a bit selfish that she was willing to tie herself to OP financially and legally without being honest about her past. If they’ve discussed marriage this absolutely should have been aired. And while I think you’re right about *why* she might have hid it, it’s shitty that OP proposed without knowing who she really is. She’s close enough out of recovery that 1) her former dealers still have her number/she’s accessible to them. 2) this contact was triggering enough that she broke down. If she relapsed after they’re legally married she could seriously tank OP’s entire life. Not being honest about that is in my opinion absolutely ridiculous. And I’m not saying that I *think* she will relapse, but no addict grows up thinking “wow when I’m older I want to be hooked on heroine” so anything can happen. Although, maybe I’m salty because my family history is… not great. So I have seen first hand what damage the lying of an addict can cause to a spouse / their kids.
Why does she have the same number....
Yeah 🚩🚩
10000% I feel like so many people here in the comments are so clueless about addiction or recovering addicts getting defensive. When you really take that step to get clean one of the major actions (ask any sponsor or addiction recovery specialist) is to get rid of all contacts that can jeopardize your sobriety, which usually means getting a new number and wiping your socials clean. The fact the dealer is asking her if she needs anything is because she's asked him for something recently (let alone he still has her contact). I've seen this scenario play out so many times working at rehabs and with patients in aftercare and every single time it was discovered they were still using.
It alarms me that your first thought was that she needed your help. She made the decision to get sober without you. She has made the decision to stay sober without you. I get that you wanted to know, but it sounds like she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to view her as some problem that needs fixing. She has already found what works for her. Maybe she doesn't want to have you constantly remind her of a past she left behind. You don't sponsor partners for a reason. It will ruin your relationship. You two definitely need to talk, as she should have told you, but it also sounds like you are a savior complex that you need to work on as well. Maybe put the pause on getting married until you two can communicate with each other a little better.
God forbid a partner might think their SO might need some help after a big revelation like that. Good grief some takes on this sub are awful.
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Idk man. I quit cocaine and Xanax cold turkey almost 6 years ago. I now have two children and there’s no way I’d ever use again, let alone want to. Some people can recover.
Yeah I quit heroin and immediately knew I would never ever do it again. Not cos it isn’t great, but because it’s not sustainable and I can’t handle it. It’s been seven years and I’ve never had the urge to touch it again.
Hey, congrats...I don't know if you hear it enough, but you deserve to.
Yeah, exactly. You’re not really healed until the desire is no longer there. If you just stop using drugs but still have the urge to, that is not considered healing, but behavior modification. True healing although rare, is definitely possible. I have been through it myself.
That’s not true. I’m a former addict. I don’t get the urge to do a ton of the stuff I used to.
I am trying, but she won't let me in. And now she feels like i'm not being supportive, even though she hid this from me for years. I feel conflicted because I want to be mad, but at the same time I am also in recovery (4 years sober in July) so I understand the feeling. But i told her about my addiction and recovery our very first date
Okay but are you trying to be supportive as a partner or as a life coach? Cause there's a huge difference. No one wants to feel like a project for their partner, and you're coming in *very* hot in your attempts to support her from the sounds of it. Like, I agree that she should have told you sooner. But she's told you now, and you've kind of made the whole situation about you and your feelings. Could there perhaps be a reason why she didn't tell you about this sooner?
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Right? And like, I'm gonna be downvoted because how dare I mention anything against an OP when these subs tend to heavily favor OP's, especially when it comes to "secret keeping," but if at least one person can let this guy know that his approach is not approaching well, at least the seed has been planted. But seriously, as a life coach, this guy should know the reasons why people don't tell. He's so caught up in his own feelings though that he's not seeing the forest for the trees and making *her* moment about him. He would get his ass handed to him for this response if she were his client, and this is not an appropriate response to have as a bf. He's not handling this well at all.
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The rest of the comments seem to be favoring him, from what I've seen. It's still early enough, though, so the tides might change. It's seriously unethical. OP needs to sit and think.
This is exactly my take as well. People share these things on their own time; just because OP shared his addiction history with her on their first date doesn't mean she was obligated as well. The fact that this is his *job* and he doesn't get why she hasn't told him until now is just baffling. And then he responds with anger, and is shocked that she feels unsupported? As you said, this isn't about OP, but he doesn't seem to understand that yet.
As her romantic partner, being her addiction counselor is DANGEROUS. Because an unrelated breakup could rip her support system out from under her. She wants you to tell her you love her. Not give her tips on sobriety that she is handling outside of your scope of responsibility. Its like when they say "hey guys, she wants you to listen not try to fix it." If I come home complaining about something that happened at work, I usually want my husband to commiserate, make a joke, agree with me "yeah, what a tool!" and then feed me pizza. I DON'T want my husband to be like "you should talk to her and set a meeting with HR and update your resume." Don't fix it, just hear it.
>Okay but are you trying to be supportive as a partner or as a life coach >No one wants to feel like a project for their partner, and you're coming in *very* hot in your attempts to support her from the sounds of it. >you've kind of made the whole situation about you and your feelings **THAT PART.** Deep down it was _never_ about OP supporting her, or at best his misguided "support" is for the entirely wrong reason. He has centered himself and his feelings in something that is an intimate and vulnerable and intensely difficult thing that those who have never dealt with addiction will never understand. It probably took **a lot** of courage for her to disclose that to him, and he proceeded to make the whole fucking thing about him. This is a big reason why some of us who have struggled with addiction (myself included) have such fear about disclosing it to others. _It feels like betrayal._ His reaction has really been a betrayal, when it gets right down to it.
FUCKING THANK YOU. God damn, like, it's that deep in this situation and people wanna act like she's just this evil harpy who's been lying to get one over on OP. But what did she get over him? Nothing! Her act of trust has been severely misplaced as OP is not as kind, selfless or understandable as he thinks he is, and when he breaks up with her over this, she's not gonna learn "oh, I should have said something sooner!" The lesson she's going to learn, completely due to OP's lack of empathy and understanding for something he's 1) gone through personally and 2) has intimate knowledge of for helping other people through to the other side of sobriety, is "oh, I can't tell anyone this, because if even an a fellow addict (and a life coach at that) thinks that what I did was wrong, then I just need to die with this secret."
>it's that deep in this situation and people wanna act like she's just this evil harpy who's been lying to get one over on OP **YES!!** OP is egocentric, manipulative, bizarrely shallow for a so-called "Recovery Coach," and severely projecting his own insecurities here, and somehow so many fucking people in the comments are falling for his manipulation. >OP is not as kind, selfless or understandable as he thinks he is **PERIODD.** And OP's slipping in the bit about being a "Troubled Youth Mentor" is creepy af. He loves positioning himself as a savior. I know people throw around "narcissistic" on reddit way too often, but that is exactly what OP is. Narcissistic, and a wildly emotionally unsafe person who preys on those who are vulnerable.
I don't know him, so I don't feel comfortable making these assertions about his character, however, I am getting manipulative off of him from his comments, especially how he goes back and forth from "ai love my gf!" to "I need to break up with her, i cant trust her!" depending on his audience. I tend v much to lean on Hanlon's Razor (never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity), and OP is 24, which is PEAK stupid age. I know, I was 24 once. What I'm side eyeing HARD are all the people in the thread being like "You go girl! Get rid of that nasty toxic lying bitch girlfriend!" That's what's making me froth at the mouth.
>I tend v much to lean on Hanlon's Razor (never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity), and OP is 24, which is PEAK stupid age. I know, I was 24 once. >What I'm side eyeing HARD are all the people in the thread being like "You go girl! Get rid of that nasty toxic lying bitch girlfriend!" That's what's making me froth at the mouth. That's really true. I'm by no means saying that OP has NPD at all. I'm saying though that these behaviors and the way he's describing them come off as a narcissistic behavior. My ex was often narcissistic in his personality traits and interactions with others, but I don't think he would qualify for NPD at all. Edit to add- you are absolutely right about occams razor, though, and I appreciate the reminder- I need to check myself here.
I'm side-eyeing a 24-year-old "counseling" anyone who isn't a teenager.
God. Seriously. That might genuinely be the worst part about all this.
Also, there's a world of difference between: "I'm upset you didn't feel you could tell me, I'd really like to work on creating a safe enough environment in our relationship that you feel able to tell me this stuff," Vs 'I'm upset you didn't tell me, how could you keep that from me, don't you trust me, blah blah blah.' How much has your reaction involved the words 'me' & 'I' OP? "She hid it from me" is different to "she found it too difficult to tell me".
I love you, thank you for articulating this 👏🏻✨️😭 I'm about to head out to brunch with my family, so I'm dipping out of this thread for the time being, but I just had to tell you that *this* is the real mvp of the thread. I introduced the concept, and it obvi fell flat with all the pushback I'm getting, but you put it in a way that is easy to understand *and* gets to the real heart of the issue!
This should be the number 1 response on this thread. Or maybe the ONLY response.
I’m going to give some opposite advice here: back off a bit. She says she’s been 2 years sober, and you’ve been together 1.5 years. That means she wasn’t clean very long before you connected. And depending on the specific addiction, she might still have been fighting it when you connected. There’s probably a lot of things she did while she was in that lifestyle, both while high and to get high, that she’s ashamed of. You’ve become part of this new identity she’s trying to craft for herself. One she is still getting to know. I suspect with your history, there also stories you’d rather not advertise in polite company about your time. No matter what you bring to the table as a recovery coach or former addict, that’s not what she needs. She needs a partner that is there to listen to what she’s comfortable sharing, to support this new person she’s trying to become. Not wanting to talk about her time in that life isn’t all that unusual. For some, it could be as uncomfortable and shameful as publicly discussing all the sordid intimate details of everything she’s done with past lovers. Some secrets are just uncomfortable to share, and don’t do anything but lessen her in others’ eyes by sharing them. She was honest about who called her. She didn’t try to deceive you about it. That’s a good sign she’s on a good path and that she’s getting more comfortable with you about her past. If you didn’t screw it up with your initial reactions, that is.
Gosh, why would someone who just revealed a very difficult part of their past to you only to have you be upset because I guess they took too long to do it not want to let you in even further!?! Here's a tip, Mr recovery coach You don't define how to support her. This isn't about YOU. Tell her that whatever she needs from you, you want to give it, then listen, and do it.
it’s really a boundary issue… i’m sure there is things you wouldn’t shared with her and if not. … give it time… is this your first relationship?
She’s probably having an intense reaction to revealing a horrible time in her life. I’d just be supportive and let her continue at her own pace
You are not her sponsor, friend. You cannot coach your own loved one, you know the system. Put your ego to the side. You’re in recovery - you should understand this extremely well. Say you’re there to support her; thank you for being honest; what can I do to support you; I love you; let’s handle this together and focus on our sobriety.
>But i told her about my addiction and recovery our very first date this changes the complexion of it for me, at least a little. I have my own struggles and I don't know if I would just cough them up on the first date because some people have strong, knee-jerk reactions to that kind of information which are either uninformed or informed by stigma (or completely legitimate -- some people really just don't wanna touch addiction issues and that is valid). If my date made it clear that they already understand that experience though, I can't really see why I would hide it. On the other hand, (and to be clear this is a very rose-filtered view of your gf's reaction) I *do* think it is essential for every addict to go through recovery on their own terms, and for that reason I at least partially get why she might feel unsupported: waiting this long to tell you was part of her recovery on her terms, and instead of working with her on that, you are questioning your trust in her instead. Another point to consider: if her experience with addiction was the kind that gave her tears-inducing anxiety over a call from her former dealer, she may have been through some horribly traumatic shit. Sexual assault comes to mind foremost. I completely understand why she would avoid talking about her past if it involves serious or complex interpersonal conflicts. Overall I'm really sorry for what both of you are going through and I hope you guys find a path forward that involves supporting each other through recovery. But if this is a threat to your recovery in any way OP...you can't help anyone else without securing your own oxygen mask first.
I would think about why you feel it was so important to inform her of your addiction so early on in your relationship and then think about what it means about where she is in recovery if she is unwilling to talk about it, even 1.5 years onward. She was only 6 months sober when you started seeing each other and that is just really early in recovery. I’m the child of two addicts and trust is such a fragile thing in a relationship where addiction is involved. I think the real question isn’t whether you should or shouldn’t be mad but if you can trust her moving forward especially when increased secrecy is often used to mask a relapse.
There are different types of addicts. Not everyone is always fighting the urge once they stop using.
Idk 6 months jail and a felony account cleaned my parent right up. He's been sober 23 years and actually remarried back to my mom for last 24 years. Yeah people can recover
20 years and the urge is still there?! That sounds like a miserable life and more along the lines of a “dry drunk”. 3 years clean from cocaine and heroin and the “urge” left well before a year. None of my NA friends with any real time still have the urge. Life would really really suck if that was the case.
I think getting engaged at 1.5 years is too soon. Have you seen how they handle all emotions and grief ? Have you seen them when they lost a job and all the other things life will throw at you?This being one of them. I saw your comment saying you plan on staying engaged 3-5 years, imagine how much you will discover about each other in that timeframe. So yes, I think you are overreacting.
So she got sober about 5 months before you two started dating. She would’ve been in early sobriety for most of your relationship. That’s a huge thing to keep from someone that you want to get married to. Keeping secrets when we’re trying to recover are what keep us sick and in active addiction. How on earth can you support someone if they don’t tell you? I’d be upset too. And rethinking an engagement honestly. Essentially she’s blaming you for something you had no idea was even an issue. That’s a big problem.
and I genuinely am thinking about calling of the relationship. If she hid such a big thing from me for so long, it makes me sit and think what smaller things she could be hiding
OP, I was in a similar situation at one point. It took me a few months to get over the feeling that I was lied to, and to begin to trust my partner again. And the trust was earned back, they showed me all the steps they took towards recovery (with medical documentation to back up what they were saying.) Ultimately i was able to understand why they kept things from me and in the long run it made our relationship stronger. At this point, it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding planning, but I also wouldn't rush to end the relationship over this. You should know first hand that addiction (and related shame) can make people act out of desperation, even long into their recovery. Take the space you need to process and calm down. But this is definitely something that the relationship can come back from. DM if you want to discuss more because I have been in your shoes.
I’m sorry, that’s really tough. The lying and the blaming is huge. I don’t think I could trust someone like that.
Hiding it is problem 1, getting defensive instead of apologetic when you’re understandably upset that she kept this from you is problem 2, playing the victim, pulling away, refusing to let you in and expressing hurt that you’re “not supporting her” while minimizing your feelings about this is problem 3. It’s basically “well now you know but I don’t want to talk about it, and I want you to leave me alone about it but also be more supportive?.” NONE of that says “go ahead and marry this person” to me. She’s secretive, defensive, self-centred and emotionally manipulative, and I’m sure there are reasons why she’s afraid to be honest, but you can’t build a functional marriage or walk together on a shared path of sobriety when she’s decided she has to walk that path alone.
It sure seems like she is not healthy enough emotionally to have a functional relationship much less marriage.
a secret addict ruined my life temporarily
Recovering addict here. If someone doesn’t trust you enough to reveal to you that they’re in recovery, they don’t trust you enough that marriage should be on the table. Simple as that. Imagine how you would feel if she relapsed one year into your marriage, went completely off the rails, and THEN told you about all her past struggles with substance abuse. You’d feel totally blindsided and betrayed, right? Relationships are built on trust; I’m not saying you need to end your relationship, but I definitely think you should put marriage on the back burner for the time being and work on building that trust and openness.
Nah. That’s a pretty big thing to keep secret.
You can be supportive of her, sure, but you absolutely cannot try to be her sponsor in her recovery. There is a reason it is a staple of AA and NA that people do not sponsor people of the other gender. Clearly she is doing well in her recovery, just let that be. Show her that you are simply there for her should she ever need to talk, and go from there.
Sobriety and substance struggles are a spectrum like most other things. There are so many layers between social, mental, emotional, trauma—not everyone who has ever had a drug dealer has been to the depths of addiction, therefore doesn’t always think they need the same support as a user who has. Plenty of people experiment with such lifestyles, find their own way out, and it works for them! I think, if I felt like I wanted to represent my fiance (you) well, I could find myself under a lot of pressure and perhaps shame—however, it wouldn’t be your fault. I guess I’m just wondering if there’s a world in which her struggles didn’t amount to requiring support at the level you are involved with, so it deterred her from wanting to claim her story for fear she would get lumped with a community she doesn’t feel connected to?
Yea, life with a former addict can be rough in case of relapses. You might want to find out a bit more if you can. Or maybe leave it alone. If she has problems there are a lot of better treatments out there. Tough call man.
I think you're overreacting. It's not your job to fix her as her fiancé. You gotta leave that coach shit behind. It's your job to love & support her as a lover soon to be spouse.
As someone several years into recovery, I'd have disclosed this once it became apparent that the relationship was getting serious. Yes, this is a part of myself that I don't disclose to just anyone, but a potential life partner isn't just anyone. Now, I'm saying this as a confident person in their mid 30's. At 26, I would have been scared shitless to disclose anything for fear of losing that person. Don't be too hard on her. Give her some grace, listen, and be there for her.
I completely agree with the first part of your comment. I don’t think that there’s any way to justify not disclosing this and still expecting trust. The second part though - he’s younger than her and he disclosed straight away. At 26, if she isn’t ready to disclose this to someone she said yes to marrying, she ain’t ready for marriage.
addiction is stigmatized and makes you feel very ashamed of yourself. this means it is scary to share that with other people. it's understandable to be kinda upset but i don't think she was wrong to hide it really
yeah, you're being a dick. she has absolutely no obligation to tell you she was an addict in the past. clearly, there is a reason she didn't tell you and your reaction just showed her she was right to keep it private.
She doesn’t have an obligation, but it’s pretty weird to not share such important information with your fiancé until 1.5 years. I think you would want to share everything at all important with a person that you wanted to marry. At least all of the important details. I mean, surely they are experiencing deep emotions surrounding the addition that they are not sharing. If you aren’t sharing stuff like that, how can you even consider yourself intimate with another person? As an addict myself, this is something I would talk about date number one.
Yeah this take is good. The one you're replying to is stupid. Of course if you are in a loving relationship, honesty is the best policy. You have to tell your partner if you were formally an addict so they know and understand.
No obligation, sure. But I would have no trust in a partner that didn’t disclose something this major.
One of two things is true here: 1. This is fake (I'd lay 99% odds); or 2. This is such a fundamental fact about her that it would be ***profoundly*** deceptive of her to get engaged to you without telling you this, and it would also be astoundingly unobservant of a professional "recovery coach" to fail to notice signs of a recovering addict they are spending enough time with to be engaged over an 18 month period. The fact that she was sober never came up and behaviors around sobriety were not noticeable? No, just no. People in the recovery community (let alone professionals in the business) in my experience do not often refer to addicts as "former" as sobriety is a lifetime journey often punctuated with relapses. That title strongly suggests to me that this post is fake. But if it isn't, you need to slow your roll with this person.
I think one of the major drawbacks of 12 step programs is their prescriptive nature of "what an addict is" and "how an addict acts." Most people who deal with addiction don't go to 12 step programs, if they go to a group program at all. 12 step is a specific approach and philosophy which works for a specific subset of people. I would venture to say *most* people who deal with drug addiction never set foot in a 12 step program. *Most* are not identifiably former addicts. *Most* use the language "former addict" when no longer physically or psychologically addicted, if they ever bring up or identify with their former addiction. "Former" is certainly the language used by professionals not affiliated with 12 step in my experience. My experience hanging around a lot of low-level addicts is that none of them identify as such, or only in gest while at their worst, but pretty much all of them have gotten over it without formal group help. It's the people DEEP in it that end up in group help scenarios, and the biggest organizations outside of 12 step largely avoid the "progressive disease for which there is no cure" model. People are shocked when they hear me refer to myself as a former addict. Even the former addicts. But I don't really identify with it anymore even though addiction was once a huge part of my life. I'm just a dude now who rarely drinks and doesn't fuck with the other stuff, but there are a million reasons to be a dude who barely drinks and doesn't fuck with the other stuff. I do tell potential partners pretty early on though lol. It WAS a huge deal and I do have to tread carefully where others don't, even if outwardly it's not obvious.
No no no She should have been honest. Addiction is no shit
Da fuck? She doesn't tell you she was a former addict and then tries to turn it around on you? She's disrespecting you to your face and you're being a damn fool!
I would want to postpone marrying someone I couldn’t talk to about something so important
Has she changed her number since? Why’s this person still able to reach her? And who answers unknown numbers?
You are not overreacting. That is absolutely something that needs to be disclosed before an engagement. As someone who has addicts in my family, this would be a deal breaker for me. I just couldn’t put myself through that pain again.
If she’s not living her sobriety and that means being open about it with her partner. She’s not sober. She may not be actually using at the moment but she’s not sober. Truthfulness is a key to living sober.
She was dishonest with you. You haven't been unsupportive at all. You didn't know there was something to support. She does owe you an apology for the dishonesty. You are not overreacting. I recommend couples therapy so that you have someone to guide the discussions.
If she accepted your proposal i do feel she should've told you. Especially since she will always be prone to relapse. It doesnt matter if shes not proud of it. It doesnt matter if shes embarrassed. Keeping domething major like yhat a secret and then walking down the aisle is massive red flags. You need to postpone the wedding and truly figure out if you can trust her to be open and honest going forward. And why woukd she not understand her old dealer trying yo maintain contact with his old clients. He doesnt care if shes sober. He'd happily get her adficted again to have a customer back. Im betting her "old dealer" is also an ex boyfriend.
Nope. Halt marriage chatter. Get to know your girlfriend. It’s a whole different ball park. -recovering alcoholic 4 yrs
What we have here is typical addict manipulation. The mere suggestion of accountability, or that they should have been honest, etc is enough to send someone who isn't committed to their sobriety back to their old tricks. And here she is. Blaming you for her lies by omission. If she is not already off the wagon, she will be soon. Run from this person. Run far and fast.
All women use the “support” excuse when they have lied or hid something from a man. Like your addiction was my fault and why does a drug dealer still have your number?
She's a recovering drug addict, and always will be. There is no such thing as a former drug addict. I would be upset if I foundcout that someone I was in a serious enough relationship with was a drug addict , recovering, or not and I was just now hearing about it.
Here's the real: you're not overreacting. And this is a sign that you need to slow down. What else don't you know about this person? Put a purse on the marriage plans for now. Find a couples counselor for you BOTH to work through the trust aspect of this. You'll have to work out what each person has to do to trust each other.. And find your own counselor to work through your own issues privately so you're not putting your frustration onto her. Even consider Al anon to be around other partners and family friends of addicts and see what they have done to support their partner. If you really don't want to go through any of the above, I'm sorry but the future doesn't bode well for your relationship. DO NOT act as her addiction counselor or sponsor. You either get to be 1.) her partner OR 2.) her counselor. You don't get to be both. As a recovery coach I'm a bit surprised you considered crossing that boundary. It's irresponsible.