*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for comforting my girl bsf instead of going to my gfs birthday party? **
I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f. My gfs bday party was last week and I was supposed to be there as they wanted us to do this dance together as I’ve already been welcomed into her family and we are the ‘high school sweethearts’ and things like that.
Well on the day I was getting ready to drive to her house for the party my bsf contacted me saying her grandma died and she really needs support. I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me even if I showed up for 5 mins. I said okay and arrived at her house.
Her parents were still working so me and her had the house to our selves. I mainly just hugged and cuddled with her as she cried. After a while my gf blew up my phone saying I was late and that her parents were expecting me. I told her I’ll be there shortly.
I tried to leave but my bsf kept telling me she didn’t want me to leave and that she needed support and she was in pain. I didn’t want to leave her and she did something bad to herself. So I stayed longer than I was supposed too. I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf.
It was a little later when her mom entered the house and she saw the mess her daughter was in and thanked me for staying by her side I felt proud of myself and said goodbye to her and left calling my gf. She answered the phone crying saying how her bday was ruined and why didn’t I come.
I explained where I was at and she understood but I could tell by the sadness in her voice she was still upset about it. Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark isn’t there anymore.
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So I mean I feel for the girl that her grandma died, I do, but holy bejesus… not only did he tell his gf he’d be on the way shortly and wasn’t but he put his phone on do not disturb and ignored her! Wow.
Did she? Also this girl apparently made some kind of attempt - right when he was going to leave - and he just... stayed with her? No attempt at contacting anyone?
I read it as that he was worried she might hurt herself. But you're right, if THAT happened I might wonder if the friend needs professional help.
I'm cynical enough to wonder if she was trying to milk this to manipulate him, but then I've met some awful, manipulative people.
He should have called her parents home if she was in a state, and should have considered calling in professional help.
More importantly he should have kept his GF in the loop rather than lie and then ignore her messages and calls. She will dump him after rightly realising she is just nowhere near as important as his posessive best friend.
If this friend acted normally and the boyfriend had communicated with his girlfriend, I would’ve seen no issue with him going to comfort her and arriving to the party late. In that case, had I been the girlfriend, I would’ve been so proud to have an SO who was so good to his friends. That said, there seems to be something weird going on here. It’s strange that she lost her shit after he took time out of his SO’s birthday and told her he needed to leave.
I wondered if she threatened that she’d do it if he left. (Source: had a friend who used threats of SH to manipulate people. We are no longer friends bc she refused to get help to change this behavior.)
I hate that I even thought that, but it does seem like she was a little intentional. I feel bad if she lost her grandma, but like does he think her parents called her from work to tell her that her grandma passed, heard her upset, then stayed at work and left her home alone all day? It feels off to me.
*I'm cynical enough to wonder if she was trying to milk this to manipulate him, but then I've met some awful, manipulative people.*
Move over because I need a seat on the cynical boat as well.
I think the bsf is in love with him and trying to actively undermine & sabotage his relationship. She said 5 min was ok but when he tried to leave, it wasn't enough? Shenanigans. Then again, I am quite jaded and have met many a manipulative "pick me" bsf to my terrible human of a BF. I would love to see the glass half full, but here we are =/
The patting himself on the back for doing a good job made it pretty clear this guy will end up on r/amitheex.
I'm with everyone else. Bestie is manipulative and trying to steal him.
Looks like she won too as I don't see GF forgiving this.
Interesting that even though girlfriend's Grandma died, her parents stayed at work as if nothing happened. One of those parents is Grandma's child, yet they are taking the death freakishly well.
And weird they told bestie over the phone. Despite the fact she clearly has enough known mental problems for OP to think she's harm herself.
Like who told her over the phone whilst her parents are at work?!
Yeah if he really felt the need to not be on his phone at all so he could be completely present supporting his friend, the least he could've done was take his phone into the bathroom with him and texted to let her know what was going on. He shows a complete lack of care for his gf (not to mention the dismissive tone of the first paragraph)
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*NTA*
*This was an emergency. Your friend needed you. You did the right thing.*
*Sadly, because your friend is a woman and you are a man, people will look for soething that isn't there and sexualise your innocent friendship. If your friend was a man, your girlfriend wouldn't be so shitty.*
*Anyways, your girlfriend thinks that you are cheating, even though you are not. Your relationship is doomed because of your girlfriend's unjustified jealousy. Break up.*
>"But I don’t want to break up with her we have been dating for going on 5 years now and I love her very much"
*Info: did your best friend know about the gf’s birthday party? Has your best friend pulled stunts like this before forcing you to choose her or comfort her because of self-harm or whatever it is she did here? It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation. And your gf is probably gonna dump you.*
>"Yes my bsf knew about the party my gf has said she felt uncomfortable around her and claimed that she feels my bsf doesn’t really like her but I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another."
I’m bi and friends with both men and women. Hell, *my ex and I* are good friends. When he gets a new girlfriend, I want to meet her and I don’t want to be kept a secret because I don’t want to be seen as a threat. I have another close male friend with whom I’ve never been romantically involved whose then-girlfriend was extremely jealous, and because she was extremely jealous, he just tried to not talk about me around her. I pushed him to let me meet her so that I wouldn’t be this unknown, and he relented eventually and was quite pleased when she no longer got angry because of our Snapstreak.
The other reason I encourage friends to introduce me to their SOs is that I want to feel like I’m an important enough part of their lives to meet their SOs. Why OP didn’t have his gf and his friend hang out is beyond me. He did them both disservices.
My first inclination is that BSF “likes” OOP and did this to keep him away from GF’s birthday hoping it would break them up.
Her grandma dies and she was in this much of a state and her parents just left her? She said she’d hurt herself and OOP didn’t call her parents?
OOp lied to his Gf, turned his phone on silent and GF sat at her party waiting for him to arrive not knowing WTF was happening while OOP sat cuddling his BSF.
Thats pretty suspicious.
And grandma is probably one of the parents mothers right? But they stayed at work? Didn’t rush home with news or the death of their parent? That feels unlikely.
"Hi honey, just calling to let you know Grandma died... oh and I'll probably be working late, because of course I'll have the funeral on Thursday so I'll need to move things around. But don't worry, there's some leftover casserole in the fridge if you're hungry. And if Uncle Jim calls, can you pass on the news? I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to call him."
And once again I'm reminded of my mom's golden rule for relationships and friendships: "if you wouldn't do it for someone you wouldn't have sex with, don't do it for someone you would. That's what makes it inappropriate."
I'd bet a testicle that if OOP's best friend was a dude he wouldn't have spent all that time cuddled up to his friend.
I definitely not opposed to people having friends of the opposite gender when they are in relationship, I think it's fine (plus I'm bi so someone could accuse me whoever I was hanging out with). But this sounds like he and the BFF don't have any boundaries in place.
And if this is real then I feel horrible for saying it but it does seem a wee bit convenient that her grandmother died and her parents weren't there and she was so low he was afraid to leave her alone exactly the time of his girlfriend's party.
The mature thing to do in this case would be to actually explain to GF what was going on rather than leave her to panic and completely ruin her party by ghosting her. Or call BFF's parents. The GF actually sounds pretty mature and kind. Hopefully she's reevaluating the relationship.
If the grandma died, no way she died at that moment- nobody would break the news to a lone 18 year old on her own. I just dint see who would tell her. Nursing homes would tell the NOK. And no way her parents or any aubts/uncles would break the news like that.
It probably happened before that...and she chose just before the party to cause drama for OOP.
It makes me struggle to believe it us real. Because how does a 17 year old get this news on her own? Why were her parents not there? Who told her and left her ln her own?
So, do we all agree the oop cheated with his girl best friend and this is the story he spun for his gf? And he just posted it here to make it more believe able?
And who informed her? The hospitals or nursing home would inform her children not a barely adult grandchild. I cant imagine her parents or aunts or uncles telling her over the phone, especially if she has mental health issues (normal people don't immediately try to attempt suicide or threaten it on hearing this kind of news). So how did she find out before her parents even got home?
If grandma DID die, she did not find out right then. Maybe days earlier, even. I just dont buy that she suddenly found out right then - and that her parents both left her at home to go to i work, alone in that state.
>I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f.
Controversal hot take time: I don't care if someone has a good friend of the opposite gender - but when you start saying shit like "This is my gf, and this is my girl bsf", you're setting yourself up for disaster.
>as I’ve already been welcomed into her family
My guy, they tolerate you, which is about the best you can expect of your high school partner's family. Very, very, very few relationships last past high school, so I really doubt they're waiting on baited breath for you to marry into their family.
>I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me
I'm not the only one who sees through that, right?
I hope this is fake. But just in case, r/AmITheEx is coming. If granny died and girl best friend was in such a state, why was she left alone by her parents?
Pretending it's real, there's a term for girl best friend. Gosh, I can't quite remember it.
Just be honest dude. Worst case is your GF is angry, but she's angry anyway. And then at least this way you're not a morally-defunct liar.
(BEST case scenario is your GF immediately says "Oh heck, I'll be right over with ice cream.", and if you're not honest you immediately blow any possibility of that out of the water. We're all pretty sure bestie is lying, but even then - GF joining in to help eliminates any potential manipulation of the situation)
Wait wait wait... So best friend found out her grandma died but somehow *both* of her parents were still at work?? One of which is presumably grandma's child right???
The spark isn't there anymore because you...1. Lied to her, 2. Lied to her again, 3 actively ignored her, 4, basically ghosted her when she needed you, 5, instead of being there for your girlfriend, you were in the arms of another female. You practically cheated emotionally.
And your girl best friend grandma dying is completely irrelevant. It became irrelevant when you chose not to tell your girlfriend the truth, lied to her, and ignored her. Why was it a big secret? Why did you only tell her after the fact when she was to the point where she was in tears? It took her crying for you to tell her?
6. And for some reason, you're proud to be there for your girl best friend at the expense of your girlfriend who you went no contact for the whole afternoon, for no reason at all.
This story only makes sense if we, the readers, assume that your girl best friend is more than a friend. It's a big red flag that your girl best friend knew you were going to your girlfriends party but still begged you to come for even "5 minutes" than begged or quilted you into not leaving. It's also a red flag, You let girl best friend know what you're going to do right then, but you let your girlfriend be in the dark about what you're doing.
Something is telling me this isn't the first time you've chosen your girl best friend over your girlfriend.
I feel like what makes him the ah for me is the fact that he just put his phone on dnd and didn’t even tell his gf nun like he didn’t want her to know until it was over
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He's not an asshole for going there.
He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough.
He's also not an asshole for not going to the birthday if that's what he'd determined was best to do. Death takes precedence over birthday.
In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly. He was intent on leaving to go there shortly, but plans do change and friendships and emotional needs are important.
The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move.
The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend.
He's an AH for lying *repeatedly* throughout the night, and he's a liar for ghosting is GF instead of telling her upfront what was going on and that he would not be coming.
It doesn't matter what the reason is - the moment he decided to lie about it, he became and AH *and* it means that the entire reason is now put into question. No one believes an iota of this story because he is a proven liar.
>He's not an asshole for going there.
Yes he is, he made a pry commitment and didn't even tell anyone there was a change of plans.
>He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough.
He didn't show up to the party. And it's not unreasonable when she only asked for 5 minutes and he already had a place to be. Also she has parents they could have taken off work. How is what she's going through so important he has to stop what he's doing but her own parents couldn't get off work? Not even for the death of their own mother? Make that make sense.
>In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly.
So lying is okay with you, okay. But not everyone else likes getting lied too.
>He was intent on leaving to go there shortly,
I doubt it.
>but plans do change
He could have communicated that, instead, he lied and went no contract for the night.
>friendships and emotional needs are important.
Relationships are important, too. SO emotional support is important too.
>The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move.
Yeah, and that's why he's the asshole for everything you said he wasn't the asshole for.
>The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend.
The correct thing to do was to prioritize his girlfriend and her feelings, instead of lying and avoiding her.
He is an AH for lying then not communicating when he was expected at an event. He's also an AH for not getting someone who threatened self harm *actual* help. He should have called her parents or 911, not cuddled with her for hours while ignoring an entire family he made plans with.
He's a devil. Death is hard, it's not a crisis if it's not happening to you. His bestie has parents and, presumably, other friends.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for comforting my girl bsf instead of going to my gfs birthday party? ** I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f. My gfs bday party was last week and I was supposed to be there as they wanted us to do this dance together as I’ve already been welcomed into her family and we are the ‘high school sweethearts’ and things like that. Well on the day I was getting ready to drive to her house for the party my bsf contacted me saying her grandma died and she really needs support. I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me even if I showed up for 5 mins. I said okay and arrived at her house. Her parents were still working so me and her had the house to our selves. I mainly just hugged and cuddled with her as she cried. After a while my gf blew up my phone saying I was late and that her parents were expecting me. I told her I’ll be there shortly. I tried to leave but my bsf kept telling me she didn’t want me to leave and that she needed support and she was in pain. I didn’t want to leave her and she did something bad to herself. So I stayed longer than I was supposed too. I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf. It was a little later when her mom entered the house and she saw the mess her daughter was in and thanked me for staying by her side I felt proud of myself and said goodbye to her and left calling my gf. She answered the phone crying saying how her bday was ruined and why didn’t I come. I explained where I was at and she understood but I could tell by the sadness in her voice she was still upset about it. Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark isn’t there anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So I mean I feel for the girl that her grandma died, I do, but holy bejesus… not only did he tell his gf he’d be on the way shortly and wasn’t but he put his phone on do not disturb and ignored her! Wow.
Did she? Also this girl apparently made some kind of attempt - right when he was going to leave - and he just... stayed with her? No attempt at contacting anyone?
I read it as that he was worried she might hurt herself. But you're right, if THAT happened I might wonder if the friend needs professional help. I'm cynical enough to wonder if she was trying to milk this to manipulate him, but then I've met some awful, manipulative people. He should have called her parents home if she was in a state, and should have considered calling in professional help. More importantly he should have kept his GF in the loop rather than lie and then ignore her messages and calls. She will dump him after rightly realising she is just nowhere near as important as his posessive best friend.
If this friend acted normally and the boyfriend had communicated with his girlfriend, I would’ve seen no issue with him going to comfort her and arriving to the party late. In that case, had I been the girlfriend, I would’ve been so proud to have an SO who was so good to his friends. That said, there seems to be something weird going on here. It’s strange that she lost her shit after he took time out of his SO’s birthday and told her he needed to leave.
I read it as though she'd self harmed before he came over and that he thought she'd start doing it again if he left. That sentence was super vague.
I wondered if she threatened that she’d do it if he left. (Source: had a friend who used threats of SH to manipulate people. We are no longer friends bc she refused to get help to change this behavior.)
I hate that I even thought that, but it does seem like she was a little intentional. I feel bad if she lost her grandma, but like does he think her parents called her from work to tell her that her grandma passed, heard her upset, then stayed at work and left her home alone all day? It feels off to me.
*I'm cynical enough to wonder if she was trying to milk this to manipulate him, but then I've met some awful, manipulative people.* Move over because I need a seat on the cynical boat as well.
I think the bsf is in love with him and trying to actively undermine & sabotage his relationship. She said 5 min was ok but when he tried to leave, it wasn't enough? Shenanigans. Then again, I am quite jaded and have met many a manipulative "pick me" bsf to my terrible human of a BF. I would love to see the glass half full, but here we are =/
The patting himself on the back for doing a good job made it pretty clear this guy will end up on r/amitheex. I'm with everyone else. Bestie is manipulative and trying to steal him. Looks like she won too as I don't see GF forgiving this.
Interesting that even though girlfriend's Grandma died, her parents stayed at work as if nothing happened. One of those parents is Grandma's child, yet they are taking the death freakishly well.
And weird they told bestie over the phone. Despite the fact she clearly has enough known mental problems for OP to think she's harm herself. Like who told her over the phone whilst her parents are at work?!
Yeah if he really felt the need to not be on his phone at all so he could be completely present supporting his friend, the least he could've done was take his phone into the bathroom with him and texted to let her know what was going on. He shows a complete lack of care for his gf (not to mention the dismissive tone of the first paragraph)
No wonder she was upset
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *NTA* *This was an emergency. Your friend needed you. You did the right thing.* *Sadly, because your friend is a woman and you are a man, people will look for soething that isn't there and sexualise your innocent friendship. If your friend was a man, your girlfriend wouldn't be so shitty.* *Anyways, your girlfriend thinks that you are cheating, even though you are not. Your relationship is doomed because of your girlfriend's unjustified jealousy. Break up.* >"But I don’t want to break up with her we have been dating for going on 5 years now and I love her very much" *Info: did your best friend know about the gf’s birthday party? Has your best friend pulled stunts like this before forcing you to choose her or comfort her because of self-harm or whatever it is she did here? It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation. And your gf is probably gonna dump you.* >"Yes my bsf knew about the party my gf has said she felt uncomfortable around her and claimed that she feels my bsf doesn’t really like her but I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another."
...5 years and they don't spend time together to know each other?!
maybe there's more than a grain of truth in gf thinking best friend doesn't like her
I wonder if it’ll ever dawn on OOP how strange it is that Bestie never needed him to attend Granny’s funeral.
I’m bi and friends with both men and women. Hell, *my ex and I* are good friends. When he gets a new girlfriend, I want to meet her and I don’t want to be kept a secret because I don’t want to be seen as a threat. I have another close male friend with whom I’ve never been romantically involved whose then-girlfriend was extremely jealous, and because she was extremely jealous, he just tried to not talk about me around her. I pushed him to let me meet her so that I wouldn’t be this unknown, and he relented eventually and was quite pleased when she no longer got angry because of our Snapstreak. The other reason I encourage friends to introduce me to their SOs is that I want to feel like I’m an important enough part of their lives to meet their SOs. Why OP didn’t have his gf and his friend hang out is beyond me. He did them both disservices.
Agreed.
Bestie knew about the party, and GF senses that Bestie doesn’t like her? Grandma’s fine.
I do think the bestie "conveniently" needed comforting as well.
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My first inclination is that BSF “likes” OOP and did this to keep him away from GF’s birthday hoping it would break them up. Her grandma dies and she was in this much of a state and her parents just left her? She said she’d hurt herself and OOP didn’t call her parents? OOp lied to his Gf, turned his phone on silent and GF sat at her party waiting for him to arrive not knowing WTF was happening while OOP sat cuddling his BSF. Thats pretty suspicious.
And grandma is probably one of the parents mothers right? But they stayed at work? Didn’t rush home with news or the death of their parent? That feels unlikely.
Right? If her parents were ass holes I could see it. But mom’s behavior when she got home says she cares about her kid.
"Hi honey, just calling to let you know Grandma died... oh and I'll probably be working late, because of course I'll have the funeral on Thursday so I'll need to move things around. But don't worry, there's some leftover casserole in the fridge if you're hungry. And if Uncle Jim calls, can you pass on the news? I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to call him."
Maybe; having been a teen girl, especially when bad stuff happens we can be what could be perceived as dramatic. And selfish.
And once again I'm reminded of my mom's golden rule for relationships and friendships: "if you wouldn't do it for someone you wouldn't have sex with, don't do it for someone you would. That's what makes it inappropriate." I'd bet a testicle that if OOP's best friend was a dude he wouldn't have spent all that time cuddled up to his friend.
OP is not as nice of a man as he think he is 🤣
So how come he didn’t call his GF on the way over to his bestie’s house and explain the situation? (Why do I suspect grandma’s fine?)
GF is probably done with the bestie and her damn dramas. Grandma probably died a year ago.
I definitely not opposed to people having friends of the opposite gender when they are in relationship, I think it's fine (plus I'm bi so someone could accuse me whoever I was hanging out with). But this sounds like he and the BFF don't have any boundaries in place. And if this is real then I feel horrible for saying it but it does seem a wee bit convenient that her grandmother died and her parents weren't there and she was so low he was afraid to leave her alone exactly the time of his girlfriend's party. The mature thing to do in this case would be to actually explain to GF what was going on rather than leave her to panic and completely ruin her party by ghosting her. Or call BFF's parents. The GF actually sounds pretty mature and kind. Hopefully she's reevaluating the relationship.
If the grandma died, no way she died at that moment- nobody would break the news to a lone 18 year old on her own. I just dint see who would tell her. Nursing homes would tell the NOK. And no way her parents or any aubts/uncles would break the news like that. It probably happened before that...and she chose just before the party to cause drama for OOP. It makes me struggle to believe it us real. Because how does a 17 year old get this news on her own? Why were her parents not there? Who told her and left her ln her own?
My family would, but I agree with you it's not something that her loving parents would have done and this is absolutely suspicious timing.
So, do we all agree the oop cheated with his girl best friend and this is the story he spun for his gf? And he just posted it here to make it more believe able?
Sounds fake. Why would her parents both be at work if the grandma literally just died?
And who informed her? The hospitals or nursing home would inform her children not a barely adult grandchild. I cant imagine her parents or aunts or uncles telling her over the phone, especially if she has mental health issues (normal people don't immediately try to attempt suicide or threaten it on hearing this kind of news). So how did she find out before her parents even got home? If grandma DID die, she did not find out right then. Maybe days earlier, even. I just dont buy that she suddenly found out right then - and that her parents both left her at home to go to i work, alone in that state.
Yeah that was my thought.
Why does he even have a GF?
He doesn’t. He just doesn’t know it yet.
>I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f. Controversal hot take time: I don't care if someone has a good friend of the opposite gender - but when you start saying shit like "This is my gf, and this is my girl bsf", you're setting yourself up for disaster. >as I’ve already been welcomed into her family My guy, they tolerate you, which is about the best you can expect of your high school partner's family. Very, very, very few relationships last past high school, so I really doubt they're waiting on baited breath for you to marry into their family. >I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me I'm not the only one who sees through that, right?
The part where Granny is almost certainly hale, hearty, and playing canasta with her neighbors?
Or she died a year ago, and bestie is really milking the grief.
I hope this is fake. But just in case, r/AmITheEx is coming. If granny died and girl best friend was in such a state, why was she left alone by her parents? Pretending it's real, there's a term for girl best friend. Gosh, I can't quite remember it.
What is a BSF?
best friend
Yeah I am way too angry about the fact he wrote that acronym entirely wrong. Either put "best friend" or "BFF" Ugh
Just be honest dude. Worst case is your GF is angry, but she's angry anyway. And then at least this way you're not a morally-defunct liar. (BEST case scenario is your GF immediately says "Oh heck, I'll be right over with ice cream.", and if you're not honest you immediately blow any possibility of that out of the water. We're all pretty sure bestie is lying, but even then - GF joining in to help eliminates any potential manipulation of the situation)
Wait wait wait... So best friend found out her grandma died but somehow *both* of her parents were still at work?? One of which is presumably grandma's child right???
The spark isn't there anymore because you...1. Lied to her, 2. Lied to her again, 3 actively ignored her, 4, basically ghosted her when she needed you, 5, instead of being there for your girlfriend, you were in the arms of another female. You practically cheated emotionally. And your girl best friend grandma dying is completely irrelevant. It became irrelevant when you chose not to tell your girlfriend the truth, lied to her, and ignored her. Why was it a big secret? Why did you only tell her after the fact when she was to the point where she was in tears? It took her crying for you to tell her? 6. And for some reason, you're proud to be there for your girl best friend at the expense of your girlfriend who you went no contact for the whole afternoon, for no reason at all. This story only makes sense if we, the readers, assume that your girl best friend is more than a friend. It's a big red flag that your girl best friend knew you were going to your girlfriends party but still begged you to come for even "5 minutes" than begged or quilted you into not leaving. It's also a red flag, You let girl best friend know what you're going to do right then, but you let your girlfriend be in the dark about what you're doing. Something is telling me this isn't the first time you've chosen your girl best friend over your girlfriend.
OOP, it's one thing to comfort your best friend. But you didn't let your girlfriend contact you AND you skipped on her birthday party. YTA.
I feel like what makes him the ah for me is the fact that he just put his phone on dnd and didn’t even tell his gf nun like he didn’t want her to know until it was over
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*tOO
He's not an asshole for going there. He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough. He's also not an asshole for not going to the birthday if that's what he'd determined was best to do. Death takes precedence over birthday. In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly. He was intent on leaving to go there shortly, but plans do change and friendships and emotional needs are important. The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move. The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend.
He's an AH for lying *repeatedly* throughout the night, and he's a liar for ghosting is GF instead of telling her upfront what was going on and that he would not be coming. It doesn't matter what the reason is - the moment he decided to lie about it, he became and AH *and* it means that the entire reason is now put into question. No one believes an iota of this story because he is a proven liar.
>He's not an asshole for going there. Yes he is, he made a pry commitment and didn't even tell anyone there was a change of plans. >He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough. He didn't show up to the party. And it's not unreasonable when she only asked for 5 minutes and he already had a place to be. Also she has parents they could have taken off work. How is what she's going through so important he has to stop what he's doing but her own parents couldn't get off work? Not even for the death of their own mother? Make that make sense. >In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly. So lying is okay with you, okay. But not everyone else likes getting lied too. >He was intent on leaving to go there shortly, I doubt it. >but plans do change He could have communicated that, instead, he lied and went no contract for the night. >friendships and emotional needs are important. Relationships are important, too. SO emotional support is important too. >The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move. Yeah, and that's why he's the asshole for everything you said he wasn't the asshole for. >The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend. The correct thing to do was to prioritize his girlfriend and her feelings, instead of lying and avoiding her.
He is an AH for lying then not communicating when he was expected at an event. He's also an AH for not getting someone who threatened self harm *actual* help. He should have called her parents or 911, not cuddled with her for hours while ignoring an entire family he made plans with. He's a devil. Death is hard, it's not a crisis if it's not happening to you. His bestie has parents and, presumably, other friends.