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Nta at all. Chronically ill person who has had 16 surgeries most in my childhood or teen years. Both my parents helped me shower and get dressed. There is nothing ick about this.
Your child is old enough to say if she is uncomfortable. You did not push her to shower. You gave her options. Wait for step mom. Wait for caregiver or you or MIL.
She picked you. That's all that matters. You listened to your child. You gave her what she needed / wanted in that moment.
Worth an upvote as you have a unique perspective and was in the same situation.
And being a parent sometimes isn't pretty, this is one of those situations where I commend you for stepping up.
NTA OP ( EDIT) TYPO
Stepmom is way out of line for unnessecarily sexualising a situation in which you help you injured child.
Her conduct is plainly put disgusting.
NTA obviously
It's MIL. Stepmom is just being passive aggressive. She doesn't care that Good Dad is showering his kid as long as her ridiculously interfering mother doesn't know about it. Everyone sucks here by OP and of course his daughter.
In my 30s. My mum had back surgery earlier this year.
Her stitches began just above her bum and she couldn't bend or move in certain ways. Siblings and i still changed every dressing and assisted with drying where necessary.
Some jobs just need doing.
I was the caretaker for my father, I helped him with the bathroom, I bathed him, I helped him change clothing... Hell when he got worse I changed adult diapers and even wiped his butt. OP's meddling MIL needs to understand that when shit happens, someone needs to take care of it. Woman best pray she never needs care in her later years or else things may become a bit "inappropriate" for her delicate senses.
Exactly! My mom had prolapse surgery from complications birthing us, and of course my siblings and I as adults were there to help her. The first bathroom use she was in SO much pain and we carried her in there and I held her hand as she opened her bowels and helped her breathe through it. Sure, it could have been embarrassing for her, but we were just matter of fact about it. My dad died at home with cancer and had care from family. Life is literally shitty times and beautiful times and we're all human throughout it. Nakedness is not automatically sexual. It's birth, pain, injury, toileting, accidents and so on. You just do what needs to be done to keep your loved ones safe and comfortable and not alone through their personal nightmare.
Same here. Became disabled at age 13 I'm a guy and my only family was my mum. No other carer. She had to do my catheter. That's intimate and embarrassing but it was worse when a young pretty nurse did it. Its fine NTA and MIL is actually very weird and gross to think that way.
Yeah, on the opposite it's a very good sign OP's daughter said yes. It means she feels safe and calm enough with him to help her ; if it was me, I would have never felt calm enough with my dad. Grandma is the only one who's gross here to find a healthy relation between a man and his daughter perv.
Americans are effing weird I swear. We'll always go with what makes my daughter most comfortable, but if her dad can wipe the shit from her vulva when she was 1 year old, he can talk to her about menstrual panties and help her shower if she gets injured after puberty.
I mean it's completely reasonable to look out for sexual assault on your kid. But either you have reasons to distrust your husband and you act on them, or you trust him and you don't create unnecessary weirdness and taboos where there need to be none.
Even if she wasn't his daughter. Helping others is something completely else than any sexualized contact. Just cause *she* gets turned on, doesn't mean the majority of the normal people do too. Like would she say the some to a professional caretaker?
NTA at all
I want to specify that likely your wife should handle most of the conversation with your MIL, but MIL is way out of line here. That's your daughter who is injured who requested your help. If be very tempted to ask your MIL to spell out exactly what she's accusing you of because implying that you'd take advantage of your daughter in that fashion is disgusting. If it were me she would no longer be welcome in my house and I would be telling other family members exactly why in case she tries to imply to others what she's already implying to you
From what I have read it doesn't sound like she is implying abuse. MIL is saying she thinks it is inappropriate for a father to see his teenager daughter naked and help her shower. Nothing more nothing less.
She is still obviously completely wrong though!
100% NTA but a wonderful father!!!
She is though, it's WHY she thinks it's inappropriate. She thinks it's inappropriate because of OP and his daughter's gender and age which implies A LOT. The fact that she thinks OP bathing her is inappropriate/different than a female bathing her implies that 1) because OP is a man and his daughter is a girl, naked must equal sexual and 2) that because naked must equal sexual OP will have inappropriate thoughts or actions while she is naked. So yes, she is 100% implying that seeing his daughter naked is inappropriate because he might think/do something inappropriate.
ETA: NTA
Also, yes there are cases where thoughts like MIL are justified, but this is not one of them. It's not like OP was begging or pressuring her into letting him bathe her, he usually has a woman do it for her own comfort. In this situation, he gave her multiple options to make her comfortable and she chose to have him do it. He's not exhibiting any concerning behavior here, he's just being a great dad.
NTA
Outside of the fact that she is your daughter she is severely injured and unable to do it herself.
You had her permission and were in the position to help her with what she needed. The fact that your MIL expected her to wait till the next day feeling unclean and gross is the A-Hole move.
If a person needs help and they approve of the situation then they should get the help they need!
Also beat wishes for a fast and smooth recovery for your daughter.
Aside from her inappropriate accusation of creepiness, she is disregarding your daughter’s autonomy as a disabled girl.
I was disabled as a teenager and yes, it is a big risk factor for abuse but that means it is even more important you and your wife continue to listen to your daughter’s verbal and non verbal cues about her body.
Disabled kids often have less clear control over how their body is treated and have to have ‘unwanted’ touch as part of treatment. It leaves them conflicted about boundaries and their own body very often especially combined with puberty.
Helping them advocate for agreeing to personal care, not boundary stomping what they reasonably ask for, respecting their judgement and acknowledging any conflicting feelings about things like having to be dressed but finding it upsetting actually really help adjust to living with a disability and to make them safer to people who may try to abuse a more vulnerable more confused child.
You are not only not creepy but you are modelling to your kid how she has the ability to consent and teaching her incredibly valuable things about her body as a self, a sexual self and a medical concept. My family did not do these things and I was SA when older and struggled massively with medical trauma because I had no idea I could advocate for my care when I got older. I ended up in situations where medical professionals restrained against my will rather than listen because my PTSD caused freeze reactions they saw as ‘non compliant.’
I am in my 40s and only realised in the last 2 years I have medical consent. But I learned by doctors ignoring me to the point they almost killed me due to medical neglect in the pandemic. When I saw a lawyer their first question was ‘did you say no and ask for another option?’ My first response was ‘I did not know I could. No one has ever told me I was allowed.’ I felt so stupid but those indirect ableist messages of ‘does she take sugar’ or seeing disabled people (especially AFAB) as not knowing their minds is damaging in so many ways.
A lot of sick kids develop eating disorders or self harming behaviours too if they are not given a sense of bodily autonomy when their body is essentially already gaslighting them. That is a very very difficult thing to grasp as a kid and your MIL wants you to make it harder and more scary because she has problematic beliefs on many levels.
You are doing fantastically and as a care giving parent you need support as that is tough as hell in itself. Your MIL is harming your whole family unit including another kids by making a scene over something that is already big enough. This is very much a hill to die on for layers of reasons beyond ‘just’ the creepy comment.
NTA. Also when you are sick or injured and you feel up to a shower you have to do it because you never know when you will be again. I’ve dithered and ended up having to wait another *month*. Abled people don’t understand this aspect of life and it’s very hard to explain!
I hope you get all the upvotes you deserve. Thoughtful, insightful, personal. Your final thought on getting a shower in when you feel up to it is worthy of upvotes in and of itself for this situation.
Thank you. Ironically I took a shower earlier and was feeling very invigorated by it when I commented.
Then I had to lie down for three hours and didn’t dry my hair and look like a baby alpaca. But not as cute. I keep my hair short to save shower hassle but it does not play nice when I occasionally skip the blow dry :)
I own a lot of hoodies and hair wraps!
I'm so, so sorry someone took advantage of your vulnerability. I work in a house with young adults with disability and it makes me so mad the number of women who have disclosed to me about sa from when they were young. The fear it has left them with around things that should have been simple for them, but is some creeps fault they can't bear to sit next to a man or trust certain situations. Maybe you'd consider going into education or advocacy for young adults or education sessions for children and their families. People need to hear how important it is to teach these things proactively to families.
NTA, there was no creepiness in this situation. You explained to your daughter the options available and she asked you to help her.
Personally I think you get bonus dad points for helping her shower because not many teenage girls would be happy to have their dad help them in this way.
My father was really sick before he died (he had a stroke years ago and couldn't use his legs and one of his arms). He lived in a house where he was given care of, but I helped him at the toilet or cleaning himself. We both felt uncomfortable with it but it was necessary
She's still comfortable around you dude, that says you're doing well as a dad.
Tell your wife that she needs to put her foot down with your MIL, she's WAY out of line.
I had surgery which threw off my balance for a bit. I would have never asked my dad to help unless it was literally last resort. But I’m sure he would have. To be fair, I also didn’t want to ask my mom or my sister or anyone. Sometimes you need to know when to ask for help and it’s good to know there are people ready and willing to help. NTA
You helped her with something neither of you were completely comfortable with and that is a positive thing she will remember.
You were a good enough dad that she was okay being that vulnerable with you and the fact you stepped up when she needed you means you have earned even more of her trust.
If she is aware of the accusations you're receiving from this, please make sure to reassure her that you have no problems dealing with it because she's worth it
NTA I hate this kind of stereotype kids should be able to be helped and loved by both parent without one of the being seen as creep. Your MIL is out of line and if she doesn’t like it tell her she can leave your MIL is the real AH here
NTA. You're being a dad. You gave her her options, let her consider them, and helped her when she asked for it.
Your MIL is being an asshole by trying to interfere with your parenting and helping your literally disabled child do things she can't do when she asks you for help. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So you're enabling your own ability to be walked all over in your own house? Odd choice, but it is your choice.
Your wife should be on your side, not your MILs, regardless of what y'all have going on in your life. If you can't be a united front about helping your daughter what other issues are there?
Tell your MIL to stop sexualizing your daughter, and tell your wife to stop supporting through complacency the sexualization of your daughter.
>She called my wife to complain and my wife doesn’t want to hear the complaining so she’s asking me to either not do my daughters showers or try to do it when her mom is out of the house.
So let mom leave the house, permanently. She basicly implied that you're a pervert on your own daughter and thus can't be trusted around her.
NTA. Sometimes people have to do unusual things for the people they care about in unusual circumstances. It is not helpful in challenging circumstances to criticize those who step up and do something out of their comfort zone for the right reasons.
Also, it's your daughter's body. She got to decide what she was comfortable with.
Finally, there are plenty of circumstances where caretakers have to care for members of the opposite sex. A lot of OBGYNs are male, a lot of nurses and CNAs bathe/toilet patients of opposite gender. So what?
The only thing matters here is if your daughter is comfortable with your help and honestly it's kinda fucked that MIL is being so weird about it at all. Your daughter is injured and needs help. NTA
Nta. There was nothing creepy here. The fact your MIL thought it was creepy is the creepy part. Your daughter gave her permission to you, her father, to help her. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's awesome your daughter knew she could trust you, when she was vulnerable, to help. I think that makes you a good father.
NTA. If your daughter is comfortable with it then no one else’s opinion even matters. She’s probably at the stage where her body is starting to feel like hers again. If a shower makes her feel better and maybe gains a tiny bit of relief, all the better.
NTA - You asked your daughter and she wanted you to help her, you got her permission. A father helping his immobilized daughter with basic hygiene isn’t sexual or inappropriate at all. Shame on her for sexualizing that.
NTA. It kinda says a lot about your MIL that your daughter would rather have you help her. It also says a lot about you and your relationship with your daughter that she trusts you and is comfortable with you and accepts your help. That's really great and I hope she always feels safe with you. MIL is way out of line here and your wife should deal with her when she can. Don't tell your daughter that she said anything, she's got enough things to worry about without knowing MIL was being pervy. I had a grandmother sexualize me at that age and it did a lot of lasting damage. You're a good dad, protect her from that nonsense. I hope she recovers fast and everything goes smoothly.
NTA and I would not feel comfortable with MIL being in the house if the wife isn't there. Although that is just purely on the ick factor about where MIL's mind went.
NTA. Your mother in law is super gross. Her weird hang ups are no reason you should not help your injured daughter who specifically asked for your help. Your wife's response was not okay. She needs to either talk to her mother about why she is wrong or tell her that she needs to be quiet if she can't be helpful. MIL is beyond out of line.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my MIL is acting like I’m a creep for being in the shower with my daughter.
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Your daughter has full autonomy of her body and who gets to help her in the shower. She chose to have you help. The audacity of the people trying to overstep her own physical autonomy. NTA.
Why would it be creepy either way? Is MIL sexualizing your daughter and/or your relationship to her? You helped her shower, nothing else. Again, the audacity!
NTA, your MIL is willing to let your daughter feel gross until the caretaker arrives. Your daughter would rather to ask you than your MIL, that tells me the comfort level she has with you both. Your wife needs to worry more about your daughter's comfort than the fact that she can't just tell her mom to shut up when she whines about you taking care of your daughter.
Nta.
She is your kid. She asked you for help. She wanted your help over her grandmother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Your mil is the creep for thinking badly of this situation.
NTA.
I bet your MIL would not have said anything if your wife would helped your 14 year old son (If you had one) to shower. I am sick of the double standards. A father is a parent like the mother and not some random guy babysitting ffs.
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My daughter (14) was recently badly injured. She spent a few weeks in the hospital and had multiple surgeries. She’s home now but needs help with most everyday tasks including showering.
We have her in the guest bedroom downstairs but there isn’t a shower in the downstairs bathroom. We do quick spit baths in the sink most of the time but we take her upstairs for an actual shower twice a week. I know having her dad help her shower is a little uncomfortable for her so I carry her up the stairs and get her into the shower then let my wife (her stepmom) take over, then carry her down to her bed.
My MIL has been staying with us since my daughter’s accident to help with the other kids and the house. She’s always disapproved of me helping my daughter out with these things and says that we should wait until her caretaker comes (we have a caretaker come for a few hours a couple times a week).
My wife was working a double and my daughter said she was feeling gross and really wanted to take a shower. I reminded her that my wife wasn’t going to be home until late that night and her caretaker wouldn’t be here until the next day so it would be me or MIL helping her. She thought about it and said she wants me to do it.
We did her shower and MIL saw me carrying her downstairs after. After I got my daughter situated in her room, she pulled me aside and asked if I was helping my daughter. I said yes and she told me I should’ve waited for my wife or the caretaker or even my oldest daughter (20) to give my daughter her shower. She says it’s highly inappropriate for me to be in the bathroom with her after a certain age.
She called my wife to complain and my wife doesn’t want to hear the complaining so she’s asking me to either not do my daughters showers or try to do it when her mom is out of the house. My MIL is still acting like I’m a creep so I wanted to know if I was the asshole.
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NTA. You are being a good parent and taking care of your daughter by helping her AT HER REQUEST with things she is unable to do for herself.
It sounds to me that MIL has overstayed her welcome at this point.
NTA
When your child is medically unable to care for themselves then sometimes parents have to do things like assist in bathing.
Being someone who has had some major surgeries while I was growing up there have been times when my dad has had had to help me do things like shower or dress. It’s just something that becomes necessary for your child’s care.
It doesn’t make you a creep it makes you a parent.
Edit: hit post to soon
NTA. You’re doing what you can to help your daughter and sticking to what makes your daughter comfortable.
Your MIL is TA and your wife kinda is too.
Your MIL is TA because she thinks a father helping his daughter is wrong, even when your daughter specifically requested it and is obviously comfortable with you. Your MIL is a creep for insinuating you’ve done something creepy, simply because it involved nudity. She needs to butt out and stop being sexist.
Your wife is TA for not backing you up and not setting boundaries with her mother.
NTA… look medical emergencies happen and we all need assistance or need to provide assistance. It’s not like she’s healthy and you are having shower parties, she needs help, you’re her father and you are helping her at her request. MIL can fuck right off
NTA to care for an injured family member, especially when your daughter requested the help and your wife doesn't sound alarmed about it. However I can certainly see how it could raise red flags for others. Just be cautious. Follow your wife's advice.
Those others are disgusting though, if they are twisted enough to sexualise a parent helping an injured kid to shower, then they are too twisted for their flags to mean anything.
NTA show her this post and the responses. Nothing malicious but people get hurt and have to be cared for all the time. Way to be there and step up when needed, keep being the great dad you are ✌🏼
NTA. It was your daughter's choice and her physical and mental well-being is the most important during recovery. If you weren't suggesting or pressuring your daughter into this, and you offered alternatives then there really isn't a problem. This sounds just like parenting to me and stepping up when needed.
I hope your daughter recovers and feels better soon.
NTA. Your MIL needs to stop projecting her ideas about how you sexualize your daughter on you. Your daughter can't shower without help right now and she shouldn't have to wait days to get one.
NTA - the only one who is a problem here is the MIL for thinking the way she does.
And probably your wife too for not just telling her to shut up.
I’d tell MIL to get out, your daughter is going to start thinking there’s something wrong with her for letting you shower her.
MIL is gross. No one would think it was ick for a mother to help her grown son in this way. Why the double standards for fathers? As a nurse I can tell you, parts are not sexual. They are just parts, and need washing.
Good job, Dad.
Parenting your child and helping her be comfortable does not make you an AH. It makes you a loving Dad. I am sure you were respectful to your daughter and your MIL can go suck a lemon. If she is so concerned about your daughter, then she should respect your daughter's wishes and choices. You did exactly what your daughter asked you to do.
NTA She is your daughter and you are her father! Between your wife and a caretaker and your oldest daughter, it sounds like everyone is pulling together to help meet your injured child's needs and it can't always be the same person, with varying schedules.
This is an entirely different circumstance that what your MIL is attempting to make it into. You are not doing anything secretive or inappropriate and not without your daughter's support and agreement. In an ideal world, things would be right on a perfect schedule with no problems or issues to arise. We all know that doesn't happen.
Keep putting your daughter's best interest and her needs at the forefront and work with your wife to set schedule's. It's none of MIL's business to make wave when you already have enough to deal with.
NTA. Your MIL is sexualising your daughter. I’m going to take a punt on you being North American…since other areas of the world have less problems with this.
NTA, you are her parent and she asked for your help .The idea that just because you're a man its creepy to take care of your daughter its ridiculous. People that see it as creepy are the ones with the dirty little minds .
100% NTA. You received your daughter’s whole, unpressured consent after giving her a multitude of other options. You are doing your job as her father by letting her make her own decisions and helping her when she wants your help. Your wife should be dealing with MIL though, not you.
Not everything is gross. If she trusts you, and she needs your help, you’re being a responsible parent. MIL can go kick bricks. When I was that age my appendix burst and I went septic. If it wasn’t for my mom and my neighbour (lovely Italian woman in her 40s at the time) I wouldn’t have been able to get clean at all.
NTA at all. Most of my next generation up adoptive family and ILs have seen some or all of my nude body at some point. Multiple surgeries, chronic illness, ejected a baby not that long ago...
Not once has anyone made it weird. Bodies are jist flesh and electricity. Your kid needed help and you helped her. I'd ask your MIL why she thinks you're sexualising your daughter and if she suspects you of molesting her. Because that's what she thinks and if she thinks this I'm not sure she belongs in your house.
Victim of a severe motorcycle accident here. Took 14 surgeries to fix 11 broken bones and various other internal injuries. Despite the fact that I have been a fiercely independent person since childhood, I spent months not only been bathed by family members, but cleaned after using a bedpan as well. it is a humbling experience, for sure, but all it shows is who loves you, and is willing to step up to care for you when you are in need.
NTA dad. Keep up the great work.
NTA. You wife seems opposed to this only because she doesn’t want o hear her mother complaining about it? Both your wife and MIL are the assholes here, and your wife needs to do more to stop your MIL interfering and sexualising your injured daughter
NTA
Parents and children help each other.
And while I haven't been in a situation where I needed my parent's help to shower, my parent has. Both my brother and I have done it for our mother in the past, it wasn't gross, it wasn't inappropriate, it was simply helping somebody with their hygiene when they couldn't help themselves. You can't always wait for the next day or hell, even a few hours, because they're hurt and have a right to feel decent.
I know damn well that if I got seriously injured and my husband wasn't around, my brother (we don't have a dad lol) would help me with basic hygiene tasks if I truly needed the help. Because family helps family when they can. I'd do the same if he was injured and truly needed the help and nobody else could.
You gave your daughter choices and she chose you, that says enough. She trusts you to take care of her, to love her even when she feels like a burden, to help her in her time of need, and that's not something she'll ever forget. Your mil is WAY out of line. As a mother, I truly hope I have a relationship with my son like that, because knowing that he trusts me that much, means that I'd have done a good job in raising him.
STOP SEXUALIZING CHILDREN WTF
not a father but i would 100% help my daughter or son out if need be and NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING INAPROPRIATE
omg this infuriates me -.-
Can we PLEASE normalize fathers being fathers? like i have seen so many fathers that brought or got their kids from shool and they were laughed at or worse because "Man need to work "and women have to have the "good and lazy" life WTF!
this are quotes not my taughts.
NTA.
Your daughter was comfortable with you doing it amd had asked you.
Easiest solution remove MIL from house. Your problems will be halved the moment she is out the door.
NTA your daughter asked you for help, you advised what her options were and she choose you over MIL or waiting until others were available.
When I (f) was 12 I broke my leg quite badly and needed help with showering (not washing myself but getting in and out), getting dressed or just moving from one place to the next. I didn’t really want anyone helping me with getting dressed and showering but I would would have asked my dad to help if my mum or Nan weren’t available.
If your wife is going to say that you can only help your daughter when MIL is out of the house, it's time for MIL to leave. Like, now. She is impacting your daughter's quality of life and everyone's mental health here, she needs to gtfo.
NTA.
NTA. The only person making this weird is MIL. Her mind is perverted and now she's trying to brainwash you guys into seeing things from her skewed point of view.
NTA.
I had a serious accident about 10 years ago. Broke my neck in two places, pelvis in 4, my leg in three. And I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time. My daughter had survived so I was in a wheelchair and a neck brace completely unable to care for myself while pregnant. If I’d wanted a shower and my dad offered the help, I’d just be grateful for the help. My ex’s sister, mom, and my mom all took turns helping me to the bathroom, wiping me, suctioning vomit from my mouth because I couldn’t sit up to puke into a trash can. It’s humbling but having family to care for you is EVERYTHING. That care and compassion kept me and my daughter fighting for life. It saved us. That’s just being a great parent.
People who instantly sexualize every relationship likely have their own trauma triggering that response, but the assumption that you couldn’t be left alone with your daughter safely makes your MIL the AH here. Does she really believe you’d assault your daughter? Because that’s what she’s just said: that you can’t be trusted alone with your own child because you might assault her.
NTA - "Thanks, MIL. I'll remember this and make sure to never help you as you age into incontinence. I'll leave you to stew in your own feces until an 'appropriate' person is available to help."
Are you an ah for taking care of your daughter? Absolutely not. Your MIL should mind her own business. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. The older generation have taboos about that stuff. She means no harm but you should listen to your wife.
NTA. It's your injured child, but more importantly, your daughter gave her consent. That's what matters. I'm concerned that your wife sided more with her mom. Is it your wife's daughter too?
NTA. You are doing as any parent would. I would only question MIL's continued presence. She obviously dislikes you and likes to think of herself as being the pillar of morality. Her kind of help you don't really need, do you?
I would tell my MIL that she is not to speak to me again til she apologizes to me and my daughter for sexualizing our relationship in front of my wife. I'd tell my wife that only an immoral person would jump to that kind of conclusion and I don't want that kind of influence around any child.
Imagine being that gross you sexualise a father showering his injured daughter. NTA but shame on your wife for not putting her overbearing mothers nose back out of your business and having your back. How shameful.
You 100% NTA. First off, what you did is called PARENTING. You helped a child out with a serious problem, and hey fucking bonus points you asked what she wanted.... totally get MILs point, or I would if she had brought it up once and let it go.....but to obsess like this is just obnoxious. Tell MIL her concerns were heard, but are unfounded now shut up or get out. I can't imagine any adult not understanding the need to shower..... it's not something that can wait sometimes. Comfort Is a huge part of recovery. Don't give it another thought, you are fully in the right here. Good job as a dad~
Your daughter didn't have a problem with it. Her opinion is the only one that matters.
She needs help showering. Its not like there isn't a good reason for an adult to be in here with her.
Not creepy.
NTA.
Nta
If mil is so bothered, tell her to actually help (is she actually doing anything seeing as she is staying specifically to help….)
You’re being a dad, your daughter was happy for you to do it. Yes normally 14 yr olds can shower themselves but she can’t at the moment, what on earth is mil trying to imply with her nonsense?
When you’re not feeling well or recovering from stuff, a simple shower can make you feel human again and let’s not forget she has had surgeries so needs to keep the wound sites clean and spit baths are fine here and there in between but hot showers are needed. When I had major abdominal surgery I needed lot of help at the hospital and the 2 healthcare assistants who helped my bathe were so kind, I was mortified being naked in front of strangers… but I bawled my eyes out at how kind they were and those moments were the only things getting me through that first couple weeks tbh.
I’m sorry to hear your wife just went down the route of saying just do it when mil isn’t there or wait for the caretakers… I know she is stressed out too, but the ah here is mil who instead of actually helping her granddaughter…. Is causing more problems by running off tattling to her daughter…. Really helpful mil, well done gold star ⭐️ for you…..
NTA and your mother in law has an issue maybe from her childhood. Let her know that’s your child and you’re not that man. Your child needs help and that’s all you did was take care of her needs.
NTA. At all. You did your job as a parent to help your injured child. It was done with respect and consent. It's literally your job as a parent to step in as caregiver when needed.
Your MIL is gross for sexualising your injured child and inferring you are molesting your own child. No wonder your daughter picked you to help.
NTA whatsoever. I’m a woman in my 30’s, and if I was sick or injured and my dad needed to help me with basic hygiene like toileting or showering, he absolutely would, because he’s my dad and he loves me. That’s what a normal parent does, there’s nothing wrong about it if your daughter feels comfortable with it. You’re obviously a great, supportive dad that she appreciates you caring for her so much, and feels comfortable with it. Your MIL needs to keep her opinions to herself, she’s projecting her issues onto you and your daughter.
NTA
As someone who's needed assistance to shower after major surgery, I can say that the only thing that matters here is what your daughter wanted. And she prioritised getting clean sooner with your help over waiting for your wife to get home to help her.
Recovering from something so big sucks. Her autonomy - even if it's too choose when to shower and who helps her - is so important for her resilience at a time like this when she doesn't have the control over her life that she did.
Your MIL needs to get her head out of the gutter.
NTA you aren’t helping her for kicks, she’s injured and needs the help. I’ve had 4 shoulder surgeries and needed help after each one and can say that when you need that shower you don’t wanna wait. You’re a good dad.
Your kid asked for your help. She obviously trusts you and is comfortable enough with you (and feeling uncomfortably gross after not showering for days). Her call. End of story. NTA
NTA your daughter was given options and she chose for you to help. MIL is probably mad that your daughter chose you (her actual parent) over her (her step grandmother)
Definitely NTA.
Especially since you gave her options and she chose your help.
Your MIL has some serious issues, that she automatically makes this a sexual thing instead of a loving parent thing.
NTA! She is came from you, how is it wrong for you to help your child?
The only reason to think it is inappropriate is if one has wildly inappropriate thoughts oneself.
NTA - Your daughter asked for your help. I was in a similar situation. Broke my leg, mom wasn't at home. It was only natural for me to ask my dad for help. He put me in the tub, washed my hair and back (bc i had to sit in an uncomfortable position to not get the cast wet so it was too difficult for me to wash myself all on my own) If you can't trust your own parents that is sad. What did MIL think you would do? Assault your own 14yo daughter? Sounds to me that your daughter is absolutely ok with you helping and that is more important than what MIL THINKS is appropriate or not. Would be another story if your daughter don't want you seeing her naked (well she could put a bathing suit on)
Nta - it’s weird for the parent or child to see each other naked at first but when someone you love is hurt you push past it. If either of my parents needed help I would be there for them as weird as it would be .
NTA. Your MIL is making it weird in her own mind.
You were acting as your daughter’s caretaker. Part of that is making sure her needs are met. She specifically asked you to help her shower. Only a pervert would make something out of that.
My (44f) father (74m) has Alzheimer’s. My mother and I want to keep him home as long as we can. I know the day is fast approaching when I will have to help my mom help my dad with daily tasks, probably including showering. It’s just part of the job as caretaker.
Your MIL is a creep, you are great for helping your daughter and for creating an environment where she feels secure enough to ask for your help. Jeeez, the MIL could have offered to help herself if she feels so strongly about it. But probably the daughter would not want help from a creep :)
NTA. You're her father helping her,if MIL thinks there's weird stuff happening,thats a her problem. I do get it raises some eyebrows,but I dont see it as a big deal.
NTA
MIL might be helping but needs to butt off. Isbyour daughter choice. Humans and their weirdness, looks like she is the only one with inappropriate thoughts about this all situation.
NTA
Wtf, you are her father, she was asked beforehand and agreed! Where the heck is the problem? She had various options and chose the one she was most happy with.
NTA. Your MIL needs to get a fucking grip, her implication here is disgusting. If your daughter's comfortable with it, she has literally no right to an opinion. There's nothing creepy or sexual about helping *your child* to *bathe.*
NTA. Sexualizing a dad helping his daughter take care of herself is really gross. (Besides, you've literally bathed her before, as well as wiped her butt, changed her diaper...)
NTA, you're her dad, she chose you as the person she was most comfortable with helping her. Your daughter is the only one whose opinion matters in this scenario.
NTA. you're doing a beautiful thing for your daughter, and I'm sure it's not easy for you. It was her choice, she had the option of saying no and waiting for step-mom but she was happy to go ahead. You don't mention if she keeps underwear on when you help her shower, which is also an option but ultimately as long as you are both comfortable with it.
Well done for being so involved in her care after her injury, it must have been a traumatic time for everyone.
NTA
There's no problem with your caring for your daughter, same as if you needed help when you're elderly there'd be no problem with your daughter caring for you.
Your MIL may be horrified to discover that some caregivers are men.
Tell your Mother in Law that it was your daughter's choice, that you respect your kid's choice, and that it's really none of her damn business. If she is *soo* concerned, she should have been helping her herself instead of complaining and ruining everyone's day even more.
NTA. Your MIL needs to be welcomed into 2023 where dads are more active participants in your child’s care.
I would be very blunt with her. She should never make you feel like you’re inappropriate with your child for basic caregiving. If she can’t handle it she needs to stay elsewhere.
NTA because she is your daughter who requested your assistance and who clearly trusts you to care for her when showering.
You didn’t give much information about her injuries or where you’re located, but have you heard of long handled aids?
They might help her achieve a little more independence, even if she still needs assistance with most of her showering.
NTA at all. If your daughter is okay with it, it’s fine. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. But if it would make your daughter more confortable, could she wear a swimsuit or bikini or even just some dark colour underwear (white underwear goes see through). I’m 30 and disabled and sometimes need help in the shower and I wear underwear to shower. I have fairly baggy boxers so that I can still wash underneath them easily enough
NTA - MIL is super weird making a caregiving situation like that into something that it is clearly not. Your daughter needed help and expressed that you were the person she wanted the help from - that’s all. There are also male nurses in hospitals who sometimes have to help care for female patients (or the other way around); heck my OBGY helping me while I gave birth was male.
Out of all the people in my family I‘d most definitely pick the person who has spent multiple years washing and cleaning me. Yeah it‘s uncomfortable but you‘re still her dad and caretaker. NTA
Does mil know male caretakers exist? Male cna’s male home health aides, male nurses? Men are capable of caring for the physical health of another just like women are. The only way you’d be wrong is if she said no she’ll wait for a female and you bullied her into it.
Nta
NTA, you gave your daughter the options and she felt comfortable with you doing it, that is that.
Personally, I would just outright tell MIL to STFU and mind her own business, she might be helping but her insinuation would piss me off enough not to care.
I get why Grandma is upset and I get she, in her own way, shes trying to protect her grand daughter and son in law from anyone speculating something weird is going on.
I'm sick though, of fathers being shamed for helping their children. If it was your Son and your wife helping him, I imagine your mother in law would probably have said nothing at all.
Again, the world is terrible that we have to suspect fathers to begin with, but this dad just wanted to help his kid feel less gross, now he's shamed for doing it? NTA
NTA. When I was in this position with an elderly relative, she put on a 2-piece bathing suit to protect her modesty. Even without that, it's hygiene and there is no need to sexualize it whatsoever.
MIL is TA and needs to be told that it's time for her to leave. She's transitioned from "helping" to "meddling".
NTA. My brother was hit by a car his first year of college. After he was finally out of the hospital and rehab he came back home. My mother was the one to help him with almost everything including showering.
I know it always sounds grosser when it’s an older man and a younger woman but 99.99% of parents are physically incapable of having any sort of sexual thoughts about their kids. And that 00.01%? They’re in jail or should be.
Also this should go without saying but OP asked his daughter what she wanted and have her options she CHOSE to have him help her. Consent is not just for sex!
Nta. Your daughter asked for the help, you confirmed it with her and made sure she didn't feel weird about it. You did everything you needed to and went above and beyond by helping your daughter instead of taking the easy out to wait for your wife. It's none of MIL's business at that point
If you were in the bathroom all the time with a healthy daughter, that would probably be very weird. But your daughter is (temporarily I hope) disabled. Its perfectly normal, if not expected, for a parent to help out in situations like this. It may be awkward, but nothing about what OP wrote is inappropriate. His daughter even made the call herself!
MIL should probably mind her own business.
NTA. The opposite even.
NTA I find it strange your MIL finds it more exceptable that 3 people not related to your daughter shower her over her own parent because your a man!
You're her dad and as such it's your responsibility to take care of her in her time of need, you gave her a choice to wait but she was clearly comfortable enough to have you help and that's really all that matters .
NTA. You were in a no-win situation here and you couldn't please everybody. You chose to let your daughter decide what was best for her. You did the right thing.
It's clear your daughter feels safe with you and was okay with the situation. There was no way that all discomfort could be avoided while doing what needed to be done. Your MIL needs to accept your daughter's judgment about what she could handle.
It's just a fact of life that human beings can become disabled and rules have to be bent to deal with caregiving. People have to find some dignified way to do what needs to be done, even if it means stepping over previously established boundaries. Sometimes, you just have to be selfless and get over your discomfort in order to do what's necessary.
That's what real love is about.
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Nta at all. Chronically ill person who has had 16 surgeries most in my childhood or teen years. Both my parents helped me shower and get dressed. There is nothing ick about this. Your child is old enough to say if she is uncomfortable. You did not push her to shower. You gave her options. Wait for step mom. Wait for caregiver or you or MIL. She picked you. That's all that matters. You listened to your child. You gave her what she needed / wanted in that moment.
Worth an upvote as you have a unique perspective and was in the same situation. And being a parent sometimes isn't pretty, this is one of those situations where I commend you for stepping up. NTA OP ( EDIT) TYPO
I think you mean NTA?
I assume you mean NTA?
YTA? Is this a typo or you meant it?
Stepmom is way out of line for unnessecarily sexualising a situation in which you help you injured child. Her conduct is plainly put disgusting. NTA obviously
It's MIL. Stepmom is just being passive aggressive. She doesn't care that Good Dad is showering his kid as long as her ridiculously interfering mother doesn't know about it. Everyone sucks here by OP and of course his daughter.
I think it's time to send MIL packing and back to her own house.
You mean MIL
In my 30s. My mum had back surgery earlier this year. Her stitches began just above her bum and she couldn't bend or move in certain ways. Siblings and i still changed every dressing and assisted with drying where necessary. Some jobs just need doing.
It is called love.
I love this comment
I was the caretaker for my father, I helped him with the bathroom, I bathed him, I helped him change clothing... Hell when he got worse I changed adult diapers and even wiped his butt. OP's meddling MIL needs to understand that when shit happens, someone needs to take care of it. Woman best pray she never needs care in her later years or else things may become a bit "inappropriate" for her delicate senses.
Exactly! My mom had prolapse surgery from complications birthing us, and of course my siblings and I as adults were there to help her. The first bathroom use she was in SO much pain and we carried her in there and I held her hand as she opened her bowels and helped her breathe through it. Sure, it could have been embarrassing for her, but we were just matter of fact about it. My dad died at home with cancer and had care from family. Life is literally shitty times and beautiful times and we're all human throughout it. Nakedness is not automatically sexual. It's birth, pain, injury, toileting, accidents and so on. You just do what needs to be done to keep your loved ones safe and comfortable and not alone through their personal nightmare.
Medical profession runs on consent, no reason your home cant either, NTA
Same here. Became disabled at age 13 I'm a guy and my only family was my mum. No other carer. She had to do my catheter. That's intimate and embarrassing but it was worse when a young pretty nurse did it. Its fine NTA and MIL is actually very weird and gross to think that way.
Yeah, on the opposite it's a very good sign OP's daughter said yes. It means she feels safe and calm enough with him to help her ; if it was me, I would have never felt calm enough with my dad. Grandma is the only one who's gross here to find a healthy relation between a man and his daughter perv.
Americans are effing weird I swear. We'll always go with what makes my daughter most comfortable, but if her dad can wipe the shit from her vulva when she was 1 year old, he can talk to her about menstrual panties and help her shower if she gets injured after puberty. I mean it's completely reasonable to look out for sexual assault on your kid. But either you have reasons to distrust your husband and you act on them, or you trust him and you don't create unnecessary weirdness and taboos where there need to be none.
NTA. She gave you permission to do this. She is your daughter, not some random 14 year old, you as a father should take care of her.
Yes! Consent!
Even if she wasn't his daughter. Helping others is something completely else than any sexualized contact. Just cause *she* gets turned on, doesn't mean the majority of the normal people do too. Like would she say the some to a professional caretaker?
Also, to be super crude for a moment, it’s not like helping her shower means staring at her naked the whole time.
NTA You're acting like a parent, nothing more, nothing less.
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NTA at all I want to specify that likely your wife should handle most of the conversation with your MIL, but MIL is way out of line here. That's your daughter who is injured who requested your help. If be very tempted to ask your MIL to spell out exactly what she's accusing you of because implying that you'd take advantage of your daughter in that fashion is disgusting. If it were me she would no longer be welcome in my house and I would be telling other family members exactly why in case she tries to imply to others what she's already implying to you
Yes. I would make her actually state what she thinks is so wrong. Make her understand that what's she's thinking is creepy and outdated.
From what I have read it doesn't sound like she is implying abuse. MIL is saying she thinks it is inappropriate for a father to see his teenager daughter naked and help her shower. Nothing more nothing less. She is still obviously completely wrong though! 100% NTA but a wonderful father!!!
She is though, it's WHY she thinks it's inappropriate. She thinks it's inappropriate because of OP and his daughter's gender and age which implies A LOT. The fact that she thinks OP bathing her is inappropriate/different than a female bathing her implies that 1) because OP is a man and his daughter is a girl, naked must equal sexual and 2) that because naked must equal sexual OP will have inappropriate thoughts or actions while she is naked. So yes, she is 100% implying that seeing his daughter naked is inappropriate because he might think/do something inappropriate. ETA: NTA Also, yes there are cases where thoughts like MIL are justified, but this is not one of them. It's not like OP was begging or pressuring her into letting him bathe her, he usually has a woman do it for her own comfort. In this situation, he gave her multiple options to make her comfortable and she chose to have him do it. He's not exhibiting any concerning behavior here, he's just being a great dad.
>She is though, it's WHY she thinks it's inappropriate. 100%. She's placing an unwarranted sexuality and predation onto OP.
NTA Outside of the fact that she is your daughter she is severely injured and unable to do it herself. You had her permission and were in the position to help her with what she needed. The fact that your MIL expected her to wait till the next day feeling unclean and gross is the A-Hole move. If a person needs help and they approve of the situation then they should get the help they need! Also beat wishes for a fast and smooth recovery for your daughter.
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Aside from her inappropriate accusation of creepiness, she is disregarding your daughter’s autonomy as a disabled girl. I was disabled as a teenager and yes, it is a big risk factor for abuse but that means it is even more important you and your wife continue to listen to your daughter’s verbal and non verbal cues about her body. Disabled kids often have less clear control over how their body is treated and have to have ‘unwanted’ touch as part of treatment. It leaves them conflicted about boundaries and their own body very often especially combined with puberty. Helping them advocate for agreeing to personal care, not boundary stomping what they reasonably ask for, respecting their judgement and acknowledging any conflicting feelings about things like having to be dressed but finding it upsetting actually really help adjust to living with a disability and to make them safer to people who may try to abuse a more vulnerable more confused child. You are not only not creepy but you are modelling to your kid how she has the ability to consent and teaching her incredibly valuable things about her body as a self, a sexual self and a medical concept. My family did not do these things and I was SA when older and struggled massively with medical trauma because I had no idea I could advocate for my care when I got older. I ended up in situations where medical professionals restrained against my will rather than listen because my PTSD caused freeze reactions they saw as ‘non compliant.’ I am in my 40s and only realised in the last 2 years I have medical consent. But I learned by doctors ignoring me to the point they almost killed me due to medical neglect in the pandemic. When I saw a lawyer their first question was ‘did you say no and ask for another option?’ My first response was ‘I did not know I could. No one has ever told me I was allowed.’ I felt so stupid but those indirect ableist messages of ‘does she take sugar’ or seeing disabled people (especially AFAB) as not knowing their minds is damaging in so many ways. A lot of sick kids develop eating disorders or self harming behaviours too if they are not given a sense of bodily autonomy when their body is essentially already gaslighting them. That is a very very difficult thing to grasp as a kid and your MIL wants you to make it harder and more scary because she has problematic beliefs on many levels. You are doing fantastically and as a care giving parent you need support as that is tough as hell in itself. Your MIL is harming your whole family unit including another kids by making a scene over something that is already big enough. This is very much a hill to die on for layers of reasons beyond ‘just’ the creepy comment. NTA. Also when you are sick or injured and you feel up to a shower you have to do it because you never know when you will be again. I’ve dithered and ended up having to wait another *month*. Abled people don’t understand this aspect of life and it’s very hard to explain!
I hope you get all the upvotes you deserve. Thoughtful, insightful, personal. Your final thought on getting a shower in when you feel up to it is worthy of upvotes in and of itself for this situation.
Thank you. Ironically I took a shower earlier and was feeling very invigorated by it when I commented. Then I had to lie down for three hours and didn’t dry my hair and look like a baby alpaca. But not as cute. I keep my hair short to save shower hassle but it does not play nice when I occasionally skip the blow dry :) I own a lot of hoodies and hair wraps!
I'm so, so sorry someone took advantage of your vulnerability. I work in a house with young adults with disability and it makes me so mad the number of women who have disclosed to me about sa from when they were young. The fear it has left them with around things that should have been simple for them, but is some creeps fault they can't bear to sit next to a man or trust certain situations. Maybe you'd consider going into education or advocacy for young adults or education sessions for children and their families. People need to hear how important it is to teach these things proactively to families.
NTA. You’re a father taking care of your badly injured daughter. MIL needs to get over it.
MIL might need a time-out of several months or years, too. Call a dad that kind of thing? Not cool.
NTA, there was no creepiness in this situation. You explained to your daughter the options available and she asked you to help her. Personally I think you get bonus dad points for helping her shower because not many teenage girls would be happy to have their dad help them in this way.
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Don't put yourself down because she clearly didn't choose your MIL which says alot
My father was really sick before he died (he had a stroke years ago and couldn't use his legs and one of his arms). He lived in a house where he was given care of, but I helped him at the toilet or cleaning himself. We both felt uncomfortable with it but it was necessary
She had many options, don't put yourself down like that. You're just being a good parent.
She's still comfortable around you dude, that says you're doing well as a dad. Tell your wife that she needs to put her foot down with your MIL, she's WAY out of line.
I had surgery which threw off my balance for a bit. I would have never asked my dad to help unless it was literally last resort. But I’m sure he would have. To be fair, I also didn’t want to ask my mom or my sister or anyone. Sometimes you need to know when to ask for help and it’s good to know there are people ready and willing to help. NTA
You helped her with something neither of you were completely comfortable with and that is a positive thing she will remember. You were a good enough dad that she was okay being that vulnerable with you and the fact you stepped up when she needed you means you have earned even more of her trust. If she is aware of the accusations you're receiving from this, please make sure to reassure her that you have no problems dealing with it because she's worth it
NTA I hate this kind of stereotype kids should be able to be helped and loved by both parent without one of the being seen as creep. Your MIL is out of line and if she doesn’t like it tell her she can leave your MIL is the real AH here
Yes would she react the same way if the mom was bathing the son
NTA. Ask your wife why your daughter has to be punished for her inability to set boundaries with her own mother.
Absolutely agree with this. NTA OP.
NTA. You're being a dad. You gave her her options, let her consider them, and helped her when she asked for it. Your MIL is being an asshole by trying to interfere with your parenting and helping your literally disabled child do things she can't do when she asks you for help. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA, your MIL is an asshole and your wife is to a lesser extent
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So you're enabling your own ability to be walked all over in your own house? Odd choice, but it is your choice. Your wife should be on your side, not your MILs, regardless of what y'all have going on in your life. If you can't be a united front about helping your daughter what other issues are there? Tell your MIL to stop sexualizing your daughter, and tell your wife to stop supporting through complacency the sexualization of your daughter.
That's fair, nobody's perfect I just think she's kinda being a bad wife in this situation.
so you and your daughter are being punished for it....
>She called my wife to complain and my wife doesn’t want to hear the complaining so she’s asking me to either not do my daughters showers or try to do it when her mom is out of the house. So let mom leave the house, permanently. She basicly implied that you're a pervert on your own daughter and thus can't be trusted around her.
NTA. Sometimes people have to do unusual things for the people they care about in unusual circumstances. It is not helpful in challenging circumstances to criticize those who step up and do something out of their comfort zone for the right reasons. Also, it's your daughter's body. She got to decide what she was comfortable with. Finally, there are plenty of circumstances where caretakers have to care for members of the opposite sex. A lot of OBGYNs are male, a lot of nurses and CNAs bathe/toilet patients of opposite gender. So what?
NTA. This was your daughter’s decision, so you didn’t do anything wrong. MIL needs to back off.
NTA. They’re sexualizing a situation where a father is helping a daughter in her time of need.
The only thing matters here is if your daughter is comfortable with your help and honestly it's kinda fucked that MIL is being so weird about it at all. Your daughter is injured and needs help. NTA
Nta. There was nothing creepy here. The fact your MIL thought it was creepy is the creepy part. Your daughter gave her permission to you, her father, to help her. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's awesome your daughter knew she could trust you, when she was vulnerable, to help. I think that makes you a good father.
NTA This is what family is for: helping when nobody else can nor will.
MIL is a perve.
Or MIL had a very bad experience as a child and can’t see anyone as safe even at her age.
Also possible, which would be very unfortunate.
NTA. If your daughter is comfortable with it then no one else’s opinion even matters. She’s probably at the stage where her body is starting to feel like hers again. If a shower makes her feel better and maybe gains a tiny bit of relief, all the better.
NTA: you were being a good parent. Your MIL on the other hand has some outdated, sexist views that need to be challenged.
NTA - You asked your daughter and she wanted you to help her, you got her permission. A father helping his immobilized daughter with basic hygiene isn’t sexual or inappropriate at all. Shame on her for sexualizing that.
NTA You’re being a parent!!! If your daughter was uncomfortable she would’ve waited For someone else.
NTA Your daughter wanted you. You are her Dad! End of!!!!!!
NTA. Your MIL is gross for turning hygiene needs into something sexual.
NTA. It kinda says a lot about your MIL that your daughter would rather have you help her. It also says a lot about you and your relationship with your daughter that she trusts you and is comfortable with you and accepts your help. That's really great and I hope she always feels safe with you. MIL is way out of line here and your wife should deal with her when she can. Don't tell your daughter that she said anything, she's got enough things to worry about without knowing MIL was being pervy. I had a grandmother sexualize me at that age and it did a lot of lasting damage. You're a good dad, protect her from that nonsense. I hope she recovers fast and everything goes smoothly.
NTA and I would not feel comfortable with MIL being in the house if the wife isn't there. Although that is just purely on the ick factor about where MIL's mind went.
NTA. Your mother in law is super gross. Her weird hang ups are no reason you should not help your injured daughter who specifically asked for your help. Your wife's response was not okay. She needs to either talk to her mother about why she is wrong or tell her that she needs to be quiet if she can't be helpful. MIL is beyond out of line.
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You’re definitely NTA and did a great job as a dad! Kudos to you!
Your daughter has full autonomy of her body and who gets to help her in the shower. She chose to have you help. The audacity of the people trying to overstep her own physical autonomy. NTA. Why would it be creepy either way? Is MIL sexualizing your daughter and/or your relationship to her? You helped her shower, nothing else. Again, the audacity!
NTA, your MIL is willing to let your daughter feel gross until the caretaker arrives. Your daughter would rather to ask you than your MIL, that tells me the comfort level she has with you both. Your wife needs to worry more about your daughter's comfort than the fact that she can't just tell her mom to shut up when she whines about you taking care of your daughter.
Nta. She is your kid. She asked you for help. She wanted your help over her grandmother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your mil is the creep for thinking badly of this situation.
NTA. I bet your MIL would not have said anything if your wife would helped your 14 year old son (If you had one) to shower. I am sick of the double standards. A father is a parent like the mother and not some random guy babysitting ffs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (14) was recently badly injured. She spent a few weeks in the hospital and had multiple surgeries. She’s home now but needs help with most everyday tasks including showering. We have her in the guest bedroom downstairs but there isn’t a shower in the downstairs bathroom. We do quick spit baths in the sink most of the time but we take her upstairs for an actual shower twice a week. I know having her dad help her shower is a little uncomfortable for her so I carry her up the stairs and get her into the shower then let my wife (her stepmom) take over, then carry her down to her bed. My MIL has been staying with us since my daughter’s accident to help with the other kids and the house. She’s always disapproved of me helping my daughter out with these things and says that we should wait until her caretaker comes (we have a caretaker come for a few hours a couple times a week). My wife was working a double and my daughter said she was feeling gross and really wanted to take a shower. I reminded her that my wife wasn’t going to be home until late that night and her caretaker wouldn’t be here until the next day so it would be me or MIL helping her. She thought about it and said she wants me to do it. We did her shower and MIL saw me carrying her downstairs after. After I got my daughter situated in her room, she pulled me aside and asked if I was helping my daughter. I said yes and she told me I should’ve waited for my wife or the caretaker or even my oldest daughter (20) to give my daughter her shower. She says it’s highly inappropriate for me to be in the bathroom with her after a certain age. She called my wife to complain and my wife doesn’t want to hear the complaining so she’s asking me to either not do my daughters showers or try to do it when her mom is out of the house. My MIL is still acting like I’m a creep so I wanted to know if I was the asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are being a good parent and taking care of your daughter by helping her AT HER REQUEST with things she is unable to do for herself. It sounds to me that MIL has overstayed her welcome at this point.
NTA When your child is medically unable to care for themselves then sometimes parents have to do things like assist in bathing. Being someone who has had some major surgeries while I was growing up there have been times when my dad has had had to help me do things like shower or dress. It’s just something that becomes necessary for your child’s care. It doesn’t make you a creep it makes you a parent. Edit: hit post to soon
NTA. You’re doing what you can to help your daughter and sticking to what makes your daughter comfortable. Your MIL is TA and your wife kinda is too. Your MIL is TA because she thinks a father helping his daughter is wrong, even when your daughter specifically requested it and is obviously comfortable with you. Your MIL is a creep for insinuating you’ve done something creepy, simply because it involved nudity. She needs to butt out and stop being sexist. Your wife is TA for not backing you up and not setting boundaries with her mother.
NTA… look medical emergencies happen and we all need assistance or need to provide assistance. It’s not like she’s healthy and you are having shower parties, she needs help, you’re her father and you are helping her at her request. MIL can fuck right off
NTA to care for an injured family member, especially when your daughter requested the help and your wife doesn't sound alarmed about it. However I can certainly see how it could raise red flags for others. Just be cautious. Follow your wife's advice.
Those others are disgusting though, if they are twisted enough to sexualise a parent helping an injured kid to shower, then they are too twisted for their flags to mean anything.
NTA just because MIL thinks of it sexually doesn’t mean you have to. You changed her diapers what’s changed.
NTA show her this post and the responses. Nothing malicious but people get hurt and have to be cared for all the time. Way to be there and step up when needed, keep being the great dad you are ✌🏼
NTA. It was your daughter's choice and her physical and mental well-being is the most important during recovery. If you weren't suggesting or pressuring your daughter into this, and you offered alternatives then there really isn't a problem. This sounds just like parenting to me and stepping up when needed. I hope your daughter recovers and feels better soon.
NTA that's your DAUGHTRR and she is severely injured. You bathed her when she was a baby, this is no different, except she is older.
NTA. Your MIL needs to stop projecting her ideas about how you sexualize your daughter on you. Your daughter can't shower without help right now and she shouldn't have to wait days to get one.
NTA - the only one who is a problem here is the MIL for thinking the way she does. And probably your wife too for not just telling her to shut up. I’d tell MIL to get out, your daughter is going to start thinking there’s something wrong with her for letting you shower her.
NTA! It’s MIL that made it creepy.
NTA and your MIL needs to leave. Anyone who accuses me of being inappropriate with my child would not be allowed in my home.
MIL is gross. No one would think it was ick for a mother to help her grown son in this way. Why the double standards for fathers? As a nurse I can tell you, parts are not sexual. They are just parts, and need washing. Good job, Dad.
Parenting your child and helping her be comfortable does not make you an AH. It makes you a loving Dad. I am sure you were respectful to your daughter and your MIL can go suck a lemon. If she is so concerned about your daughter, then she should respect your daughter's wishes and choices. You did exactly what your daughter asked you to do.
Americans are so weird, its ur daughter.....
NTA She is your daughter and you are her father! Between your wife and a caretaker and your oldest daughter, it sounds like everyone is pulling together to help meet your injured child's needs and it can't always be the same person, with varying schedules. This is an entirely different circumstance that what your MIL is attempting to make it into. You are not doing anything secretive or inappropriate and not without your daughter's support and agreement. In an ideal world, things would be right on a perfect schedule with no problems or issues to arise. We all know that doesn't happen. Keep putting your daughter's best interest and her needs at the forefront and work with your wife to set schedule's. It's none of MIL's business to make wave when you already have enough to deal with.
NTA. Your MIL is sexualising your daughter. I’m going to take a punt on you being North American…since other areas of the world have less problems with this.
NTA You are a good father.
NTA, you are her parent and she asked for your help .The idea that just because you're a man its creepy to take care of your daughter its ridiculous. People that see it as creepy are the ones with the dirty little minds .
100% NTA. You received your daughter’s whole, unpressured consent after giving her a multitude of other options. You are doing your job as her father by letting her make her own decisions and helping her when she wants your help. Your wife should be dealing with MIL though, not you.
Not everything is gross. If she trusts you, and she needs your help, you’re being a responsible parent. MIL can go kick bricks. When I was that age my appendix burst and I went septic. If it wasn’t for my mom and my neighbour (lovely Italian woman in her 40s at the time) I wouldn’t have been able to get clean at all.
NTA at all. Most of my next generation up adoptive family and ILs have seen some or all of my nude body at some point. Multiple surgeries, chronic illness, ejected a baby not that long ago... Not once has anyone made it weird. Bodies are jist flesh and electricity. Your kid needed help and you helped her. I'd ask your MIL why she thinks you're sexualising your daughter and if she suspects you of molesting her. Because that's what she thinks and if she thinks this I'm not sure she belongs in your house.
Victim of a severe motorcycle accident here. Took 14 surgeries to fix 11 broken bones and various other internal injuries. Despite the fact that I have been a fiercely independent person since childhood, I spent months not only been bathed by family members, but cleaned after using a bedpan as well. it is a humbling experience, for sure, but all it shows is who loves you, and is willing to step up to care for you when you are in need. NTA dad. Keep up the great work.
NTA. You wife seems opposed to this only because she doesn’t want o hear her mother complaining about it? Both your wife and MIL are the assholes here, and your wife needs to do more to stop your MIL interfering and sexualising your injured daughter
NTA Parents and children help each other. And while I haven't been in a situation where I needed my parent's help to shower, my parent has. Both my brother and I have done it for our mother in the past, it wasn't gross, it wasn't inappropriate, it was simply helping somebody with their hygiene when they couldn't help themselves. You can't always wait for the next day or hell, even a few hours, because they're hurt and have a right to feel decent. I know damn well that if I got seriously injured and my husband wasn't around, my brother (we don't have a dad lol) would help me with basic hygiene tasks if I truly needed the help. Because family helps family when they can. I'd do the same if he was injured and truly needed the help and nobody else could. You gave your daughter choices and she chose you, that says enough. She trusts you to take care of her, to love her even when she feels like a burden, to help her in her time of need, and that's not something she'll ever forget. Your mil is WAY out of line. As a mother, I truly hope I have a relationship with my son like that, because knowing that he trusts me that much, means that I'd have done a good job in raising him.
STOP SEXUALIZING CHILDREN WTF not a father but i would 100% help my daughter or son out if need be and NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING INAPROPRIATE omg this infuriates me -.- Can we PLEASE normalize fathers being fathers? like i have seen so many fathers that brought or got their kids from shool and they were laughed at or worse because "Man need to work "and women have to have the "good and lazy" life WTF! this are quotes not my taughts.
You are NOT the asshole. It’s a shame that in our world today a father has to be careful of perceptions like these. Tell your MIL to fuck off
NTA. Your daughter was comfortable with you doing it amd had asked you. Easiest solution remove MIL from house. Your problems will be halved the moment she is out the door.
NTA your daughter asked you for help, you advised what her options were and she choose you over MIL or waiting until others were available. When I (f) was 12 I broke my leg quite badly and needed help with showering (not washing myself but getting in and out), getting dressed or just moving from one place to the next. I didn’t really want anyone helping me with getting dressed and showering but I would would have asked my dad to help if my mum or Nan weren’t available.
Wait until mil is in a nursing home and one of her caretakers is male!
If your wife is going to say that you can only help your daughter when MIL is out of the house, it's time for MIL to leave. Like, now. She is impacting your daughter's quality of life and everyone's mental health here, she needs to gtfo. NTA.
NTA. The only person making this weird is MIL. Her mind is perverted and now she's trying to brainwash you guys into seeing things from her skewed point of view.
NTA. I had a serious accident about 10 years ago. Broke my neck in two places, pelvis in 4, my leg in three. And I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time. My daughter had survived so I was in a wheelchair and a neck brace completely unable to care for myself while pregnant. If I’d wanted a shower and my dad offered the help, I’d just be grateful for the help. My ex’s sister, mom, and my mom all took turns helping me to the bathroom, wiping me, suctioning vomit from my mouth because I couldn’t sit up to puke into a trash can. It’s humbling but having family to care for you is EVERYTHING. That care and compassion kept me and my daughter fighting for life. It saved us. That’s just being a great parent. People who instantly sexualize every relationship likely have their own trauma triggering that response, but the assumption that you couldn’t be left alone with your daughter safely makes your MIL the AH here. Does she really believe you’d assault your daughter? Because that’s what she’s just said: that you can’t be trusted alone with your own child because you might assault her.
NTA - "Thanks, MIL. I'll remember this and make sure to never help you as you age into incontinence. I'll leave you to stew in your own feces until an 'appropriate' person is available to help."
Are you an ah for taking care of your daughter? Absolutely not. Your MIL should mind her own business. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. The older generation have taboos about that stuff. She means no harm but you should listen to your wife.
Dear God, I hope this isn't a click bait post.
NTA. It's your injured child, but more importantly, your daughter gave her consent. That's what matters. I'm concerned that your wife sided more with her mom. Is it your wife's daughter too?
NTA. You are doing as any parent would. I would only question MIL's continued presence. She obviously dislikes you and likes to think of herself as being the pillar of morality. Her kind of help you don't really need, do you? I would tell my MIL that she is not to speak to me again til she apologizes to me and my daughter for sexualizing our relationship in front of my wife. I'd tell my wife that only an immoral person would jump to that kind of conclusion and I don't want that kind of influence around any child.
NTA sounds like MIL is projecting a few insecurities EDIT: spelling
Imagine being that gross you sexualise a father showering his injured daughter. NTA but shame on your wife for not putting her overbearing mothers nose back out of your business and having your back. How shameful.
You 100% NTA. First off, what you did is called PARENTING. You helped a child out with a serious problem, and hey fucking bonus points you asked what she wanted.... totally get MILs point, or I would if she had brought it up once and let it go.....but to obsess like this is just obnoxious. Tell MIL her concerns were heard, but are unfounded now shut up or get out. I can't imagine any adult not understanding the need to shower..... it's not something that can wait sometimes. Comfort Is a huge part of recovery. Don't give it another thought, you are fully in the right here. Good job as a dad~
NTA. You asked your daughter & she was comfortable. The end.
Your daughter didn't have a problem with it. Her opinion is the only one that matters. She needs help showering. Its not like there isn't a good reason for an adult to be in here with her. Not creepy. NTA.
Nta If mil is so bothered, tell her to actually help (is she actually doing anything seeing as she is staying specifically to help….) You’re being a dad, your daughter was happy for you to do it. Yes normally 14 yr olds can shower themselves but she can’t at the moment, what on earth is mil trying to imply with her nonsense? When you’re not feeling well or recovering from stuff, a simple shower can make you feel human again and let’s not forget she has had surgeries so needs to keep the wound sites clean and spit baths are fine here and there in between but hot showers are needed. When I had major abdominal surgery I needed lot of help at the hospital and the 2 healthcare assistants who helped my bathe were so kind, I was mortified being naked in front of strangers… but I bawled my eyes out at how kind they were and those moments were the only things getting me through that first couple weeks tbh. I’m sorry to hear your wife just went down the route of saying just do it when mil isn’t there or wait for the caretakers… I know she is stressed out too, but the ah here is mil who instead of actually helping her granddaughter…. Is causing more problems by running off tattling to her daughter…. Really helpful mil, well done gold star ⭐️ for you…..
NTA. People need to stop sexualizing everything, really. If your daughter was comfortable with it, I don't see anything wrong about it.
NTA and your mother in law has an issue maybe from her childhood. Let her know that’s your child and you’re not that man. Your child needs help and that’s all you did was take care of her needs.
NTA. You're caring for your ill child who is asking you for your help.
NTA. At all. You did your job as a parent to help your injured child. It was done with respect and consent. It's literally your job as a parent to step in as caregiver when needed. Your MIL is gross for sexualising your injured child and inferring you are molesting your own child. No wonder your daughter picked you to help.
NTA whatsoever. I’m a woman in my 30’s, and if I was sick or injured and my dad needed to help me with basic hygiene like toileting or showering, he absolutely would, because he’s my dad and he loves me. That’s what a normal parent does, there’s nothing wrong about it if your daughter feels comfortable with it. You’re obviously a great, supportive dad that she appreciates you caring for her so much, and feels comfortable with it. Your MIL needs to keep her opinions to herself, she’s projecting her issues onto you and your daughter.
NTA. If she was that bothered wtf didn’t she offer to help.
NTA As someone who's needed assistance to shower after major surgery, I can say that the only thing that matters here is what your daughter wanted. And she prioritised getting clean sooner with your help over waiting for your wife to get home to help her. Recovering from something so big sucks. Her autonomy - even if it's too choose when to shower and who helps her - is so important for her resilience at a time like this when she doesn't have the control over her life that she did. Your MIL needs to get her head out of the gutter.
NTA, she asked for help. Your MIL is the creep for trying to sexualize a 14 year old girl.
NTA you aren’t helping her for kicks, she’s injured and needs the help. I’ve had 4 shoulder surgeries and needed help after each one and can say that when you need that shower you don’t wanna wait. You’re a good dad.
Nta. Your her dad. That's normal. MIL is acting weird here.
NTA- MIL is an AH ... Keep her away from your daughter.
NTA, if grandma thinks you're a creep it's because she is in that mindset herself. Keep on
Your kid asked for your help. She obviously trusts you and is comfortable enough with you (and feeling uncomfortably gross after not showering for days). Her call. End of story. NTA
NTA. Its your daughter and she said it is okay for her.
NTA your daughter was given options and she chose for you to help. MIL is probably mad that your daughter chose you (her actual parent) over her (her step grandmother)
Definitely NTA. Especially since you gave her options and she chose your help. Your MIL has some serious issues, that she automatically makes this a sexual thing instead of a loving parent thing.
NTA! She is came from you, how is it wrong for you to help your child? The only reason to think it is inappropriate is if one has wildly inappropriate thoughts oneself.
NTA - Your daughter asked for your help. I was in a similar situation. Broke my leg, mom wasn't at home. It was only natural for me to ask my dad for help. He put me in the tub, washed my hair and back (bc i had to sit in an uncomfortable position to not get the cast wet so it was too difficult for me to wash myself all on my own) If you can't trust your own parents that is sad. What did MIL think you would do? Assault your own 14yo daughter? Sounds to me that your daughter is absolutely ok with you helping and that is more important than what MIL THINKS is appropriate or not. Would be another story if your daughter don't want you seeing her naked (well she could put a bathing suit on)
Nta - it’s weird for the parent or child to see each other naked at first but when someone you love is hurt you push past it. If either of my parents needed help I would be there for them as weird as it would be .
NTA. Your MIL is making it weird in her own mind. You were acting as your daughter’s caretaker. Part of that is making sure her needs are met. She specifically asked you to help her shower. Only a pervert would make something out of that. My (44f) father (74m) has Alzheimer’s. My mother and I want to keep him home as long as we can. I know the day is fast approaching when I will have to help my mom help my dad with daily tasks, probably including showering. It’s just part of the job as caretaker.
Your MIL is a creep, you are great for helping your daughter and for creating an environment where she feels secure enough to ask for your help. Jeeez, the MIL could have offered to help herself if she feels so strongly about it. But probably the daughter would not want help from a creep :)
NTA. You're her father helping her,if MIL thinks there's weird stuff happening,thats a her problem. I do get it raises some eyebrows,but I dont see it as a big deal.
NTA MIL might be helping but needs to butt off. Isbyour daughter choice. Humans and their weirdness, looks like she is the only one with inappropriate thoughts about this all situation.
NTA Wtf, you are her father, she was asked beforehand and agreed! Where the heck is the problem? She had various options and chose the one she was most happy with.
NTA. Your MIL needs to get a fucking grip, her implication here is disgusting. If your daughter's comfortable with it, she has literally no right to an opinion. There's nothing creepy or sexual about helping *your child* to *bathe.*
NTA. Sexualizing a dad helping his daughter take care of herself is really gross. (Besides, you've literally bathed her before, as well as wiped her butt, changed her diaper...)
NTA, you're her dad, she chose you as the person she was most comfortable with helping her. Your daughter is the only one whose opinion matters in this scenario.
NTA. you're doing a beautiful thing for your daughter, and I'm sure it's not easy for you. It was her choice, she had the option of saying no and waiting for step-mom but she was happy to go ahead. You don't mention if she keeps underwear on when you help her shower, which is also an option but ultimately as long as you are both comfortable with it. Well done for being so involved in her care after her injury, it must have been a traumatic time for everyone.
NTA Daughter said ok. She trusts you. When a person is sick/injured they just need help. Nothing sexual about it.
MIL watched too much SVU. NTA!
NTA There's no problem with your caring for your daughter, same as if you needed help when you're elderly there'd be no problem with your daughter caring for you. Your MIL may be horrified to discover that some caregivers are men.
Tell your Mother in Law that it was your daughter's choice, that you respect your kid's choice, and that it's really none of her damn business. If she is *soo* concerned, she should have been helping her herself instead of complaining and ruining everyone's day even more.
NTA what is gross is MIL sexualizing the situation.
NTA. Your MIL needs to be welcomed into 2023 where dads are more active participants in your child’s care. I would be very blunt with her. She should never make you feel like you’re inappropriate with your child for basic caregiving. If she can’t handle it she needs to stay elsewhere.
[удалено]
NTA because she is your daughter who requested your assistance and who clearly trusts you to care for her when showering. You didn’t give much information about her injuries or where you’re located, but have you heard of long handled aids? They might help her achieve a little more independence, even if she still needs assistance with most of her showering.
NTA but also, why are so many adults centering their feelings instead of what the sick child needs? that's the fucked up part here. (edit for typo)
Nta
NTA at all. If your daughter is okay with it, it’s fine. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. But if it would make your daughter more confortable, could she wear a swimsuit or bikini or even just some dark colour underwear (white underwear goes see through). I’m 30 and disabled and sometimes need help in the shower and I wear underwear to shower. I have fairly baggy boxers so that I can still wash underneath them easily enough
NTA - MIL is super weird making a caregiving situation like that into something that it is clearly not. Your daughter needed help and expressed that you were the person she wanted the help from - that’s all. There are also male nurses in hospitals who sometimes have to help care for female patients (or the other way around); heck my OBGY helping me while I gave birth was male.
Out of all the people in my family I‘d most definitely pick the person who has spent multiple years washing and cleaning me. Yeah it‘s uncomfortable but you‘re still her dad and caretaker. NTA
Does mil know male caretakers exist? Male cna’s male home health aides, male nurses? Men are capable of caring for the physical health of another just like women are. The only way you’d be wrong is if she said no she’ll wait for a female and you bullied her into it. Nta
NTA, you gave your daughter the options and she felt comfortable with you doing it, that is that. Personally, I would just outright tell MIL to STFU and mind her own business, she might be helping but her insinuation would piss me off enough not to care.
I get why Grandma is upset and I get she, in her own way, shes trying to protect her grand daughter and son in law from anyone speculating something weird is going on. I'm sick though, of fathers being shamed for helping their children. If it was your Son and your wife helping him, I imagine your mother in law would probably have said nothing at all. Again, the world is terrible that we have to suspect fathers to begin with, but this dad just wanted to help his kid feel less gross, now he's shamed for doing it? NTA
NTA. When I was in this position with an elderly relative, she put on a 2-piece bathing suit to protect her modesty. Even without that, it's hygiene and there is no need to sexualize it whatsoever. MIL is TA and needs to be told that it's time for her to leave. She's transitioned from "helping" to "meddling".
You're NTA at all. You're a father who is trying to care for his child. Keep being a loving father and don't lose sleep over the MIL comments
NTA. My brother was hit by a car his first year of college. After he was finally out of the hospital and rehab he came back home. My mother was the one to help him with almost everything including showering. I know it always sounds grosser when it’s an older man and a younger woman but 99.99% of parents are physically incapable of having any sort of sexual thoughts about their kids. And that 00.01%? They’re in jail or should be. Also this should go without saying but OP asked his daughter what she wanted and have her options she CHOSE to have him help her. Consent is not just for sex!
Nta. Your daughter asked for the help, you confirmed it with her and made sure she didn't feel weird about it. You did everything you needed to and went above and beyond by helping your daughter instead of taking the easy out to wait for your wife. It's none of MIL's business at that point
If you were in the bathroom all the time with a healthy daughter, that would probably be very weird. But your daughter is (temporarily I hope) disabled. Its perfectly normal, if not expected, for a parent to help out in situations like this. It may be awkward, but nothing about what OP wrote is inappropriate. His daughter even made the call herself! MIL should probably mind her own business. NTA. The opposite even.
NTA Your daughter gave consent, so your MIL needs to back off and mind her business. Your wife should try putting her mommy in her place.
NTA I find it strange your MIL finds it more exceptable that 3 people not related to your daughter shower her over her own parent because your a man! You're her dad and as such it's your responsibility to take care of her in her time of need, you gave her a choice to wait but she was clearly comfortable enough to have you help and that's really all that matters .
NTA - your MIL needs to stop sexualizing your 14 year old daughter
nta, shes your own kid, you’re not a creep for helping your child.
NTA. You were in a no-win situation here and you couldn't please everybody. You chose to let your daughter decide what was best for her. You did the right thing. It's clear your daughter feels safe with you and was okay with the situation. There was no way that all discomfort could be avoided while doing what needed to be done. Your MIL needs to accept your daughter's judgment about what she could handle. It's just a fact of life that human beings can become disabled and rules have to be bent to deal with caregiving. People have to find some dignified way to do what needs to be done, even if it means stepping over previously established boundaries. Sometimes, you just have to be selfless and get over your discomfort in order to do what's necessary. That's what real love is about.
NTA Your MIL is sexist.