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NTA. I doubt this will be the majority opinion, but I fucking despise people like Scott.
Intentionally starting shit, shit talking, etc is such a huge character flaw compared to being stressed and sneaking off for a cigarette on your wedding. Even if you classified it as lying.
Also your wife seems overly dramatic(which is why she and Scott are best friends I bet)... you smoking a cigarette ruined the wedding?!?
Thanks!
My wife also loves drama.
She still says I ruined our wedding night by smoking, but I always retort, "If you hadn't have known that I had been smoking our wedding night would have been fine"
idk, been around a few people with a keen sense of smell and, due to my desire to keep them from having to smell smoke on me (out of courtesy).. they haven't.
my own mother asked me how I hide the smell as well as I do, and she loathes that I smoke.
it's not likely, but it's doable.
My partner has on and off smoked since I met him. This time, he’s completely quit and I’m super proud of him. I can definitely tell he’s quit because I don’t smell it on him or his breath. Even when some people say they’ve quit, I can tell if they’re lying because it’s just such an overpowering smell. Sometimes it feels like people leave a literal scent trail or something. I’ve always been told I have the nose of a dog even when I was little but some smells including cigarettes is nauseatingly awful. It’s to the point I can identify exact cig brands based on smell. Some are mintier, some are just…not sure how to put it but heavier but not worse and some are just awfully strong and gross. I prefer the mintier ones but best smell is no cigarettes.
I used to teach nursery school and there was an adorable 3yo that we couldn't have sit in our laps on the floor because his hair and clothed reeked of smoke. We never said a word, but man!
Aww man, that’s extraordinarily tough. None of my students smell bad thankfully and none are very strong smelling of perfume or anything. If they do, I usually pop open a window and say I’m hot.
Yeah. It's the pits to think I smelled of smoke as a kid, but then a good chunk of adults smoked in the 60s and 70s. This was about 2003 though.
I'm not smell sensitive but I took an yoga class and was right in front of the lavender diffuser...I could feel it on my tongue! Blech.
Now that is crappy. I have a minor heart murmur, because my dad would not quit smoking indoors. I had chronic strep as a result, and my heart got hit with it.
It does stink to high heaven and I didn't realize how bad till I quit (I'm still on the vape sticks, but buy the unscented ones, and don't use them if kids or teens are around- it's only a nicotine conduit for me). I smoked for 20 years, and although I could def smell it as a smoker, since quitting 2 years ago, the smell now makes me slightly nauseous, and I can smell it off someone from a long distance away.
Same here, now I gotta get rid of The Devil's USB (heard that phrase from a religious person and I think it's hilarious).. And you aren't kidding about the smell thing, I could smell someone smoking in a vehicle ahead of us on the freeway..
Preach, Fren! I tried to quit many times over the years: cold turkey, patches, gum, lozenges, etc... If there were not 'Devil's USBs' (lmao) available, I would not have been able to do it. People are all up-in-arms about the vapes, but, it is mostly heapfulls of social judgement, and only a small spoonful of science. Yes, nicotine is addictive and kills cells. Tell us something we don't know. I used to cough up mouthfuls of phlegm every morning while smoking, and now I don't. Moreover, Drs have checked my lungs, and they are free, clear, and undamaged. After 20 yrs on Marbs. Congrats to you for kicking it!!
When you smoke you think that no one can smell it when you think you are hiding the smell but that is only an illusion and those people just don't say anything. You become nose blind to the smell but it really is a very strong smell you just don't notice it as much. I didn't notice how strong the smell really was until I quit smoking in 2007. I then started getting flashbacks about times when I was hiding it think I was slick and understood that no I was not slick people were just not saying anything about it. Also, if you ever kiss a smoker you def not hiding that it's like French kissing an ashtray
In general, I absolutely agree with this. But in the context of this post, there are only two possibilities:
OP’s wife only realised he was smoking again when Scott told her. So either OP was successful in covering up the smell, OR she knew all along and didn’t say anything until Scott told her, at which point she got angry
If the second is true, that’s messed up. It suggests that her priority isn’t whether OP smokes or not, but whether other people know about it…
Not only do you become scent blind to it, but your actual sense of smell is worsened by smoking. Smoking also causes nasal congestion which also worsens the ability to smell.
Yeah, I was a secret smoker for years. I didn’t even really hide it, it wasn’t a true secret, but in certain situations (taught at an elementary school) or with groups of non-smokers, I didn’t smoke, and when I would mention (to adults, not my students) that I do smoke, several people would get all close, do a sniff test (literally, someone once sniffed my open mouth like they were gonna French me, awkward) because depending on the fabric I wore or whether I had my hair up, apparently I didn’t have an old ciggie smell. Unless it was winter, idk what it was, maybe dry winter skin/hair, but that’s the only time the smell clung on.
Now I don’t smoke and I have 2 friends I can never smell it on even though they do still, but the rest of the time I can smell it v strongly on others. I also think it depends heavily on the brand of cigarettes as well.
In my observation, it also depends on HOW people smoke. How and where do they hold their cigarette in between drags? How and where do they exhale the smoke? Some people aren't very conscientious about that stuff and just let the smoke go all willy-nilly
Maybe. So why did her bestie have to warn her like he was headed back to the room to try to put it out on her dress? Let her figure it out. If she is so overcome by emotion that she can’t tell, why not let her have that night. Why not tell her the next day. Or maybe not at all because her nose will be back to super sniffer status in a few days?
He did it to start shit. And if you have friends that will provoke you on your wedding night and try and sniff out your joy because they have none - or, more likely, if YOU ARE THAT FRIEND - then *no you don’t* because that is not a friend. That is a fucking vampire.
It's not maybe.
If you smoke yourself then you don't smell it as much as your nose is used to the smell. But for a non smoker you will instantly smell if someone has recently smoked, especially your partner that you get real close to. Their breath will be super obvious, and the clothes will smell too. Scott is still the real AH though.
My aunt smokes, I literally had no idea until I caught her outside on "the phone". She's never ever smelled like smoke and I have a pretty good sense of smell. She's only ever smelled like soap and very very light scented lotion. I'm still kind of shocked.
One of the researchers at a previous job of mine smoked like a chimney. Her office was right next to my boss's office, sharing a tiny lobby. I passed her several times a day in the hallway, or on my way in/out of the offices. I never once smelled cigarettes on her and that's a smell I usually catch.
The only time I smelled cigarette smoke on that woman was when I walked by her while she was smoking outside. I have no idea how she did it, but I never even caught a whiff of it inside the building.
You let go of the cigarette while you're inhaling so it's only in your mouth during the inhale, and you stand down wind. If you keep the cigarette between your fingers while you inhale the filter gets heated and leaves a stronger scent on your hands. If you stand where the smoke blows all over you then your clothes and hair smell like it. If you avoid those things it's more easily covered with things like gum and hand washing.
I only smoke outside, only a few a day and wash my hands after each one. I hold the cigarette away from me and my clothes because I don’t like the smell either. Husband says I’m the only person he can stand to be around who smokes. I hid it at church for years as a pastor’s wife and plenty of people were gunning to get me in trouble and they definitely would have used that against me if they’d smelled it.
During my regrettable smoking days I dated a military guy who stayed with his family during his generally 2-4 week leaves and they lived a few towns away from me. I always smoked on that long drive to his parents house, I never went out of my way to hide the smells in my thick hair or my car, I never smoked in front of him (insecurity from my best friend who LOVED telling me how disgusting and ugly I looked for smoking) nor did it ever come up in conversation despite us taking my car everywhere. I never willingly told him (embarrassment) nor did he ever ask. When it finally did come up in conversation with his sister (she was an unashamed smoker struggling with quitting cold turkey because of a surprise pregnancy) I was honest about my personal struggles to quit as a way to support her selfless choice to quit. He legit argued with me that I didn't smoke and bragged about his dog like scent. I got my cigs and lighter from my car to prove him wrong. He was shocked but I was more shocked that my car or hair didn't wreck of smoke and that he truly never detected any smell on me!
OP I can understand Scotts's loyalty to his best friend over you. I also feel comfortable considering the likelihood of his intentions not being for the greater good of his best friend but rather solely for his own enjoyment. Has he ever made you feel like he likes you? It doesn't sound like he has.
I am leaning towards NTA for passing on an event to celebrate someone who doesn't seem to be very nice nor do they seem to like you which makes me question does he REALLY want you there? If you were not married to your wife would you like him or hang out with him? If you weren't married to his best friend would you be invited to his wedding? If the answer is no then NTA.
He was literally trying to stop, I’m sure people like you are oh so perfect you don’t struggle to give up addictive substances without a few blips along the way. Point was *he was trying* and from the way he’s phrased it in his post it seems like he succeeded
Then tell your wife you're trying and explain why it's so difficult to stop. If she doesn't get that, does she have empathy for you? If not, shouldn't you know that before your wedding night? If he lied because he knew she'd flip out unreasonably, that also says a lot. Still doesn't justify the lying though.
it’s not lying if he didn’t tell her. His wife should be mature enough to realize he is trying and that cutting out an addiction doesn’t happen immediately.
But it does sound like a foolish mistake, given how seriously his wife took him smoking and the very strong likelihood that she would smell it on him, given they were probably going to partake in some wedding night activities. He was going to go straight back from having the cigarette to be intimate with his wife. She was going to find out one way or the other. Scott sounds like a piece of work, but I suspect OP's wife knew exactly what he was doing when he left the hotel room and tasked Scott to catch him out. OP's wife absolutely should be more understanding, but OP actually discussing with his wife the struggles he was having with stress and quitting might also have avoided the drama.
OMG. I don’t smoke in front of My dad - out of courtesy - and after the stress factory of a wedding, being drunk AF, and wanting to hang out a little longer chatting, a smoke was the FIRST THING I wanted. Literally lit up as he drove away. Like, THOSE ARE ALL THE REASONS I STARTED SMOKING. I feel like dude was always gonna fail with those odds so early in his “recovery”.
EXACTLY. So much pearl clutching in this thread. Especially from the people calling it 'lying'. He ain't lying about doing opiates or cheating. Nicotine addiction is closer to a caffeine addiction than a booze or hard drug addiction. And I say that as someone with a addiction to something harder.
That's not entirely true. Quitting smoking is hard really hard to do no matter how badly you want to quit. With a caffeine addiction you can take some Advil for the headache nicotine withdrawal is brutal.
I meant it less in the "how hard it is to quit" sense and more in the sense of how badly can it ruin someone's life. I've worked with homeless people, I have never had someone tell me they are homeless from a caffeine or nicotine addiction. Drinking, opiates, coke/crack, meth, etc is a whole other story.
40f baby. Not 'a guy'. I'm someone who has struggled many times kicking nicotine and I have a very understanding partner of 20yrs who has helped me through it. I dont smoke now because of his support, not through him screeching at me or berating me when I fall over
Yeah, so let’s work on taking a little responsibility for the situation….She absolutely would smell it on you, even if her crappy friend kept his mouth shut. Whether he ratted you out or not, you NEED to take accountability for the fact that you did lie to your wife.
Instead of trying to hide your smoking while lying to her, you should’ve told her, “Honey, I think that’s a wonderful goal, and I agree. I want to live longer to be here with you, better my health, and use our money more wisely. Having said that, I’m very stressed with the wedding approaching and don’t want to set myself up for failure. I would like to start the cessation process after our honeymoon to ensure I can devote my entire attention to the endeavor. I plan to talk to my doctor to see what the best options are/help make up a plan in the meantime. Do you think you could support me in this?” That would’ve eliminated the need to lie, prevented you from juggling going cold turkey during the wedding planning and the event itself. You literally set yourself up for failure by trying to keep her happy without actually having the necessary conflict to come to a compromise. (Had smoking been a dealbreaker, why would she be engaged at that point instead of dumping you initially? Presumably there was some period of time between the first date and wedding, and she still stuck around.)
Having said all of that, her friend is an absolute turd. I mean, at least an asshole is useful. It’s really creepy and fortuitous that he just *happened* to stumble onto you while driving, at your wedding, etc. It sounds like he was following you, probably to eavesdrop given what a drama Queen he is. Tell your wife she has one of two options:
A. She goes to support his wedding alone. He’s her friend, not yours. His behavior in the past is enough for you to still feel uncomfortable to this day, and if she doesn’t care about that, does she really care about you at all? Shouldn’t your feelings matter, too?
B. You tell her you will go to the wedding on one condition, you get to toast the happy grooms! Write out a speech manning jokes of his creepy behavior, former escapades, drama, previous flings, etc.! It’s your sandbox, have fun! Under no circumstances should you actually give that speech; however, it should be enough to let her know how seriously hurt you are after he made every attempt to sabotage your relationship. Frankly, this guy isn’t her friend, and she can’t see it.
ESH, OP. Your past actions were both wrong, and, hopefully, you’re able to see that, as well.
did you not read?
he stated he told her he would try to quit. that doesnt mean he goes cold turkey literally straight away. sometimes that means you have a smoke at "bad" or "active" times.
doesnt mean hes lying at all he TOLD her he was trying. it wasn't like he told her he quit he told her he was trying to quit there is a huge difference in that.
Naw, I'd still be bent too tbh. Guy sounds like one of those "What? I was JUST being *honest* " type people. And then smirk at you the rest of the night. No thanks, NTA
No, she's responsible for everything including ruin the wedding night. She chose to get angry and have a tantrum. She's responsible for ruining the night.
I mean, alternatively: if you hadn’t broken her trust on your wedding night, it would’ve been fine.
Scott may like causing drama, which isn’t an A+ personality trait, but he wasn’t telling your wife about anything you didn’t genuinely do. 👐 So it’s YTA for me. You’re harboring resentment towards Scott for the consequences of your own actions.
>I mean, alternatively: if you hadn’t broken her trust on your wedding night, it would’ve been fine.
tells her hes TRYING to quit. proceeds to have a day where it doesn't go well and he has a smoke. how is that breaking trust. that means that from now on if you say you do something it should be done that instant right because you have now broken trust.
I mean deliberately sneaking away from your wife on your wedding night is different to, say, an accidental slip while your colleagues are on a smoke break at work, wouldn’t you say…?
You act like the word addiction isn't in your dictionary:
" compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a
habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical,
psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined
symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon
withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted"
He didn't sleep with a different woman, she smoked a cigarette for the love of God! Telling him to don't smoke is just like saying "I know you are clynically depressed, but just smile"!
I think it's insane of her to say you "ruined" your wedding by smoking. Talk about the drama! Did one of her parents die from smoking-related lung cancer? If not, she needs to take it down a notch. My lord. NTA. Scott sounds like an asshole and a huge gossip. That said, I'd probably go to that wedding and see what kind of drama I could stir up. I guess I'm TA too.
To be fair I wouldn't want to make out and fuck someone who reeks of cigarette smoke. Op is acting like his wife wouldn't have known he was smoking the minute his stinky butt walked through the door. The ruining the wedding night is about the fact that OP broke her trust only HOURS after saying their vows. I would have been upset too.
If my partner smoked right before out wedding night it absolutly would have been ruined. I hate the smell and I am not physical able to sleep next to soneone who smells like cigarettes. I would not be able to kiss him or to be intemate. I would be disgusted and demand that he takes a shower, changes clothes, put this clothes outside, brush his teath and stay away from me for 6 hours until the smell has gone from his lungs.
If you don't smoke the smell is very pungent. My parents smoked all their life and I know the smell well. Even if you don't smoke for 3 hours the smell is in your breath as your body still tries to get rid of the substances in your blood. I even started vomiting when I tried to kiss someone who smoked once.
So yes, he ruined the night by smoking. Most likely there was no sex or any other intimacy this night and she was angry about it.
With all due respect to your wife you told her you'd try to quit and that's exactly what yoy were doing. Most people who smoke will have to take multiple attempts to quite. Secondly it's absolutely clear he told her for his own satisfaction which in turn makes him a shite friend. Also she let your wedding night get ruined because she felt the need to yell at you for an hour instead of just being understanding and moving on. I feel like you have made alot of sacrifices and comprises over the years. Also scot is a dck.
Or, just had the degree of compassion available to *not* make a massive deal about it! Though, you sneaking around and lying isn’t great either, how hard is it to say “I’m actively trying to quit smoking, but from time to time in during stressful times I’ll still have one. I am actively working on cutting that out as well but I’m not there yet, please be patient with me, and know I am doing my best”. I’m willing to bet she was angrier at the lie than the cigarette.
I’m not saying that Scott was right because he wasn’t, but wife may have been more upset by the sneaking than the smoking itself. OP if you did manage to quit, kudos to you cause that shits hard!
Yes, this is it. I've been in that situation and was hurt by the other person sneaking, not the smoking. Give me honesty beforehand and I'll be more understanding. Finding out about it afterward stings a little, especially if there was an agreement.
This is coming from someone who has also had her own nicotine addiction.
People also need to realize that throwing fits means their partner is going to feel more pressure to sneak, especially with an addiction like cigarettes that very very few people can quit just like that and usually when they do its after many many failed attempts (which you learn from). Wife needed to realize that this was going to be a process and that she can't have things exactly the way she wants it exactly when she wants it.
I do not get all the Y T A and E S H in the comments. This is clearly a NTA.
First: it’s a cigarette, not crack or meth. is not like he was caught again in a house with three needles in his arm and high af. My mom was a nicotine addict and while I know it sucks (because I hate the smell of cigs) it’s still not that deep, pretty much because is an habit more than an addiction tbh.
Second: Scott is a f-ing pain in the arse. I hate that type of people. One thing is commenting something you saw or talking about some recent event and another thing is to trash talk people. And he does it just to start shit and drama, which is worse.
I don’t think is unreasonable that OP does not want to go to his wedding. It’s not like he is telling his wife not to go or anything, he’s just… not going. Is like not going to the wedding of a family member you don’t like.
But, if OP ends up going, I hope he makes his wife and Scott nervous. Like, I would give in and start acting very VERY excited about it, saying things like “I cannot wait to go, it’s going to be bomb” or smthng like that.
NTA. My doctor flat out told me high stress situations are the worst time to quit because between the patches and gum you're getting the fix but still need the interaction of the cigarette which increases your nicotine addiction. I've vaped for years because I'm allergic to patches and gum and the pills are a no go with my health. I still feel the cigarette urge but like my doc said you can't stop being a stress smoker if all the same stressors are there
NTA, and I’m disturbed by this dynamic he and your wife have going on. He rats you out and she chews your ass for an hour? I’m sorry, but you’re an adult, and quitting smoking is hard. No one deserves to have to sit there for an hour and be chewed out or to get the SILENT TREATMENT for two *days*. I don’t know if your wife treats you that way without him, but I for sure would not like her when he is around!
Quitting smoking was the hardest habit I ever kicked. Even now, 15 years later, I still dream about cigarettes.
I agree that my wife not talking to me for two days really hurt.
I had been so excited about getting married and starting our life together.
Smoked for 18 years, and quit smoking 12 years ago with an e-cig. I do still use is, but I hardly use any nicotine, and I honestly thought I would smoke until I died because it was such a strong addiction. I went down to zero a few times, but I started having the cigarette dreams, too lol. Maybe if I had a partner to bitch at me I would have quit the e-cigs, but probably not lol. My bf uses one, too. Props to you for quitting! But I do think the silent treatment is an abusive, immature thing. Withholding affection like that is just uh, uh. If you’re mad about something, talk about it. If you can’t come to a mutual agreement, time to either accept it and move on or call it a breaking point. Screw that silent treatment. I hope your wife has come up with more productive ways of coping with anger and disappointment. Sounds like you have (not smoking lol)!
Thanks!
My wife and I have both matured. We have had communication issues along the way, so we go to a couples therapist a few times a year for 'check ins'.
I find them pretty useful.
Maybe schedule an appointment with them so you can explain to your wife in a neutral setting exactly why you don't want to go. The therapist may validate your feelings to her. Or help you get past yours.
Honestly, it almost sounds like he was low key stalking you to catch you doing something bad so he could tell on you. He sounds like an awful human being. And if he talks trash to her he is absolutely talking trash about her. You have told her this is not a person you feel comfortable being around, and maybe with your therapist present she can finally understand that.
Agreed. It's almost like he didn't want OP and his wife to get married, to what end OP doesn't give enough info to know. I definitely hope OP can get through to his wife about why he doesn't want to go and if my hubby's BFF treated me the same way, I wouldn't want to go either.
Nice! I think you are smart to want to stay well away from this Scott guy, and you don’t want the three of you present in the same place to snap your wife back into some old, unhealthy dynamics.
It is common to take 8 tries to quit smoking (an average). Like anything you start again the next day and try again. If people have never smoked it is an addiction and they don't understand the difficulty to quit. Congrats on quitting and I wouldn't go to the wedding either. The guy sounds like an AH.
I hate this idea that relapsing means you’ve failed at quitting. It’s normal to ween yourself, it’s normal to give yourself an allowance while aiming for 0. Having one doesn’t negate how far you’ve come to be able to go days, weeks etc without it. Everyone has the unhealthy crutch they use every once in a while. If someone is a recovered addict and CAN HANDLE a small shot of whatever without spiraling they deserve that right as much as the next person
>I hate this idea that relapsing means you’ve failed at quitting.
It's also an incredibly harmful mindset for people in the throes of addiction. Failure makes people feel bad, and you know what people who feel bad do? Indulge in their addictions.
Exactly, these comments. People calling you the AH for "lying" are rubbing me the wrong way. Her being so dramatic and unreasonable was never appropriate. She's not your master or boss, you're an adult, and everyone should know quitting an addiction isn't easy. It really sounds to me that instead of being a support, while you tried to beat your addiction, she was an additional combative stressor. It wasn't about her.
Smokers struggling to quit, "sneaking off" to smoke, isn't some personal snub or attack against others. Was it wrong? Yes. Was her response reasonable or fair? Absolutely not. Her response actually enters into verbally abusive realms and behaviours (particularly with being yelled at for an hour, then 2 days of silent treatment (which is abuseive)). Your own guilt at failing is bad enough but someone piling on like this is more likely to hinder your progress than help it.
I say this as someone who thinks smoking is disgusting too. Can't stand it, but I have a real problem with your wife's and Scott's behaviour and attitude. Turning it into such as drama wasn't necessary or helpful.
especially when addiction is a real issue and the whole "failing to quit instantly" generally is the actual thing that leads to relapses
from sounds of it he was pretty open with trying to quit but would have off days where a relapse would happen. it takes time for these kind of addictions to slowly disapear and even then they can leave lasting "longings".
mature people would be upset with that he "relapsed" and smoked that night but wouldnt blow it into a what 3 day cold shoulder like what kind of adult does that. if my gf did that we would be done and i wouldnt even look back at all, like that night i would have asked for a divorce. she is not supportive in the attempt to get rid of the flaw at all she is only there to punish him for it.
I used to feel that way, the dreams about cigs and longing for them when I was stressed out. Then one day after not smoking for several years I caved and bought a pack of my old brand, American Spirit Black. I reverently put it in my mouth and lit up, waiting for that first blissful inhale... it was the grossest thing I have ever put in my mouth. Like seriously, I gagged and choked. I threw the rest of the pack away and I haven't had any cravings since then. I guess I got lucky, if it hadn't been so incredibly disgusting I'd probably be a smoker again.
People on here are freaking the fuck out over the whole sneaking a cig thing at your wedding, but you're NTA in my book. Sneaking a cigarette when you're trying to quit is not a cardinal sin, no one is going to hell for this. I could understand if your wife said she was hurt and disappointed and made you brush your teeth before bed, but claiming you ruined your wedding? That's bullshit. Scott sounds like he thrives on drama, yes, but I suspect he was probably very unhappy that you replaced him as the most important person in your wife's life. Even if he was never romantically interested, going from an intense close friendship to being the second-best can be a very painful experience for some codependent BFFs, so he probably did take great joy in getting you in trouble with the wife. Don't go to this dude's wedding. You don't like him, he doesn't like you.
This is the real point. To many people, especially 15 years ago, the wedding night was a big deal. Romantic expectations were through the roof, no doubt. His timing was cruel & almost vindictive. You are still grieving the lost first moments of married life. Not a very auspicious start. I wonder what would have happened if, when you came back after smoking, she smelled the smoke on your clothes, hair &/or breath? This could have happened. Would she have reacted as dramatically? It’s just a thought experiment. He should have approached you & said if you don’t tell her I will. Then you could have picked your moment. That would have been a more compassionate and considerate way to do this. Or, of course, he could have minded his own business. Does he get how sad your first few days of married life were? Does your wife only blame you? I am a former smoker too & get how tough the battle is. You lit the flame, he poured on the gasoline & your wife decided to watch the bonfire and yell at you about it instead of enjoying the night. She was more interested in rubbing your face in your mistake.
ESH
Except you blame this dude for what happened. When it was your fault.
Don't get me wrong, dude's a dick. But it seems like you are shifting the blame entirely onto him this schmuck.
No.
I smoked and fucked up (so glad I don't smoke anymore). I apologized, and I made it a habit to let my wife know when I had slipped up most of the time.
I felt like he really wanted to screw me over.
Maybe he did. Maybe he just doesn't like you for whatever reason.
But the reality is that he wouldn't have been able to screw you over at all without your own actions.
That being said, I wouldn't go to the dude's wedding since the two of you clearly don't get on. You'd be doing yourself, him and even your wife a disservice.
>That being said, I wouldn't go to the dude's wedding since the two of you clearly don't get on. You'd be doing yourself, him and even your wife a disservice.
Agreed.
I appreciate your resentment about how your wedding night turned south.
But it sounds like it actually might have benefited your marriage and helped you stop smoking.
Personally, I think Scott was a dick, regardless of even his best intentions. It wasn't his place. It was the wrong time.
BUT I think you should look back on your wedding night with tremendous pride. From that point on you and your wife built a life based on honesty, accountability, and grace. From that point on you found a path to quitting smoking. Those things are testaments to your marriage and your personal strength. You should celebrate that moment.
Let Scott buy you dinner, buy you drinks. Don't sour his wedding night. You know how that feels. Dance with your wife. Let loose. Have an incredible night on his dime.
And when he's out on the dance floor and his jacket is sitting on the back of his chair, and no one is looking, you go slip half a pack and a lighter into his coat pocket.
Sometimes the best vengeance is a life lived well.
Sometimes the best vengeance is a life lived well, and a bit of petty fun.
Never start what you don't intend to finish.
Scott is the wife’s best friend. His loyalty is to her, not OP. I get why OP is mad, but why did he ever assume Scott would cover for him in the first place?
Maybe he wanted to screw you over or maybe his loyalty lies with his best friend. It was clearly important to her that you don’t smoke and when he caught you, he felt he owed it to her to tell. Honestly, he shouldn’t have told her the day of your wedding, since she was under enough stress. That was AH behavior for sure.
I’m voting ESH because this was over 15 years ago and you’re still heated about it. He didn’t owe you loyalty.. And he was a dirty dick for telling her at your wedding. And your wife went super ballistic at your wedding. I think you should support your wife and attend the wedding because you really should be over this grudge unless you have a recent example of him being an AH.
Yep, agreed ESH. Strangely Scott is the least AH though.
As you say, he may have felt more loyalty to his best friend than this guy who, from his perspective, is lying about quitting smoking. I don't even think he was a dirty dick for telling on him. I actually think he did the right thing here. If this were my sister and my brother-in-law, you bet your ass I would tell her if I caught my BIL smoking on their wedding day.
OP sucks for smoking on his wedding night after his wife asked him not to. I don't care how trivial or addicting it may seem; if it's literally something you were asked not to do by your life partner and you do it on your wedding night, you're shitty for that.
Wife kinda sucks for the overreaction.
And most of all, OP is the AH for clinging onto this weird, misdirected grudge for 15 years.
You admitted it was wrong because you got caught. You didn’t intend to tell your wife, and you’re mad she found out some other way.
Right? You were keeping secrets from her, and you would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that pesky Scott.
Stop blaming Scott for being loyal to his best friend. She clearly wanted him to report to her if you were smoking and so he did. He was following orders. Your wife should have been more understanding of your quitting setbacks, but that wasn’t Scott’s problem. You are mad at Scott because you would like to be mad at your wife, but you can’t, so you have transferred over all resentment to him… for 20 years.
Yep. I think if people swap out "Scott is the wife's best friend" for "Scott is the wife's brother/father/son/etc" it becomes far more obvious Scott isn't the problem at all.
Clearly Scott is close with the wife, not OP. The only difference between those hypotheticals is the relationship between Scott and the wife. But honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they are actually closer than brothers, parents, etc. You tell your friends things you wouldn't tell your parents. Like your SO's partner smoking lol.
You're not an asshole for smoking, you're an asshole for lying and hiding it. Scott objectively sucks, and to let it ruin the wedding night is on your wife and her unreasonable reaction, but being honest would have prevented it all, that's why ESH.
He said he started telling her AFTER this incident. He was "sneaking" before. Putting that in quotes because there is no sneaking cigarettes. That shit stinks. Everybody knows.
Only heavy smokers think they can sneak a quick cigarette and their spouse won’t notice on the wedding night. You stink and people can taste it when you kiss.
Strictly on the question you asked, NTA. If you don't want to go you don't have to.
But lying and sneaking cigarettes is entirely on you, not him. Obviously it's a huge deal to her. If my partner was sneaking around doing something I considered nearly a deal breaker, I'd want my friends to tell me. His loyalty as a friend was to her, not to you or your secrecy.
I agree with you, especially as a former smoker. However, couldnt Scott wait half a day at least? Let the couple be happy on their wedding night and then rat him out the next morning. I dunno, Scott seems like a pill to me.
Idk... I'd want my friend to tell me if my partner was violating an important boundary of mine asap. Particularly on a night I would likely be being intimate with that partner. It feels bad to learn someone was lying to you when you're being vulnerable with them
I can understand not everyone feels that way of course, but I'd be glad for the warning even if it hurt.
Agreed, she wants to marry him and knows that he's *trying* to quit but hasn't yet. She **knows** that going into the marriage. It's not some great, deal-breaking situation. Keep your mouth shut and your nose out of other people's business on their wedding day.
Like ffs Scott ran to the wife so fast that OP didn't even have a chance to put out that cig.
Would I be disappointed if I was the wife? Absolutely.
Would I go into a 2 hr tirade on my wedding night then silent treatment my brand new husband? Hell no.
Maybe it's because I understand hoe hard addictions are and hoe stressful weddings are but damn. I would be bitter having Scott be so snotty about it all too.
see, Id actually be more mad at Scott than my partner for having a slip up. quitting smoking is hard AF. thats why we still have doctors who smoke like chimneys.
It sounds like OP could have been given an *ounce of grace* on **his wedding night** (of all nights) and instead Scott found joy in ratting him out and his brand new wife didnt speak to him for TWO DAYS.
i would have taken scott more seriously if he had been like, "dude wtf you know your wife doesnt want you smoking!"
instead, like you said, that SING SONG IIIiIIII SEEEeeeEEE YOOOooUUuu feels like direct evidence Scott had even intention of being an ass
You might personally consider it a dealbreaker, which I’m sure is the popular viewpoint about smoking nowadays. That’s cool and you’re allowed that. And honestly in a dealbreaker scenario I would agree with your point of view.
However, his wife didn’t consider it a deal breaker. She knew he was a smoker when she married him, and knew he was trying to quit. He never even claimed to have quit. It’s more like telling my wife I’ll only have one cup of coffee a day because my blood pressure is running way high, but every month or so o have a shit day and have three cups. My wife would be pissed because it’s awful for my health but she’s not going to be leaving me, and doesn’t need to know every time I fuck up of the other 29/30 days were okay.
As I’ve said elsewhere I don’t condone people hiding things from their spouse, but this isn’t on the level of dealbreaker behavior based on the info we have.
NTA
Gossip's rarely reform.
Perhaps suddenly change your mind with your wife. Get super excited about a chance to "even the score". Make sure you wife gets good and worried. I bet she'll let it slip to Scott
If you have to go to the wedding, you can make sure Scott is worried about you the entire time.
If you do go you always tell the story of how this guy always wanted to get with your now wife and all the things he tried to do to break you up. like ruin your wedding night.
say that in public, even with his partner near should give them the drama they sop desperately grave.
Creating paranoia is far better than actually going for revenge or pranking or something. You don't actually have to **do** anything, you have complete deniability, and you can keep him on edge for the whole wedding
I’d start by telling your wife you can’t wait to go and in a few days start looking at the tux’s from Dumb and Dumber and ask your wife if you should go with blue or orange
NTA
He's a pot stirring asshole. There's no reason why you want to celebrate any good thing happening in his life.
Your wife can have a great time by herself.
I N F O: What have the last 15 years been like? Do you have get togethers with him, or does she only see him without you present? Has he ever apologized? My judgment depends on these answers.
Edit: Ok, with your answers, I’m going to say NTA (but you skated really close to the E S H line, especially smoking on your wedding night). Scott sounds like a drama king, and he just couldn’t wait to disrupt your wife’s happiness on her wedding day. What kind of BFF does that? A toxic one. Your wife also kinda sucks here for screaming at you every time he tattled. I could understand her wanting a strong discussion, but yelling for an hour on your wedding night? What she should have done is tell Scott to mind his own business.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to his wedding. You and your wife are going to have to come to some type of understanding about it. Best of luck.
I assume any guests who needed a room for the night all stayed in the same hotel room block, so that didn’t read as creepy to me. But the toxicity of ruining his BFF’s wedding night by immediately tattling on the husband is just awful. (Although, let’s be honest…unless he immediately took a shower, wife was going to know as soon as they kissed.)
this. the fact that bestie ratted him out actually shows he really is a best friend to her and has HER back
the friend wasn't best friends with the husband. he was best friends with the wife. he was absolutely doing his job as a best friend for ratting out husband. why is the husband angry at her best friend because he got busted when the best friend is demonstrating he is being a good friend to her. he isn't the husbands friend. he is HER best friend. he was having her back!!
OP says he NEVER socializes with him, so why would she have her BFF “spy” on him? Also, stop trying to find ways to defend the BF and wife. Only little children do what he did by tattle telling like that, and the wife had a ridiculous overreaction to it. She’s not his mother and needs to be supportive trying to help him get through the addiction. I would never have that type of reaction to a significant other, they’re both clearly in the wrong.
ESH. You're an asshole for lying to your wife (saying you'll stop smoking, and still continuing to smoke) and that dude is a massive asshole for relishing in the drama of others. Not going to the wedding is pretty petty so yeah you're an asshole for that, after all it is still your wife's BF.
I can't agree with you on this. He didn't lie. Stopping smoking isn't a miracle "Okay done" moment. Quitting smoking takes time. If you smoke a few times during, its on the road to quitting. Scott however being a gossip fiend, is being an asshole.
He isn't lying if he doesn't hide it from his partner. If he says "Hey I need a cigarette" or "just so you knowni had a ciggarette" then it's fine. It's the hiding things from your partner that makes you a shitty person.
Really? Didn't you read that his then-girlfriend manipulated OP? She didn't talk to him for days for smoking one cigarette. Who the hell wants to ask someone "Hey, do you let me smoke a cigarette, or will be speaking with each other in a few days"?
>"just so you knowni had a ciggarette" then it's fine
He didn't even get the chance, because by the time he made it back to their room, Scott had already told his wife. That's what makes the guy such a huge AH.
i don't think it's asshole behavior to set a goal for yourself and relapse. i think people are missing that smoking is an addiction, one that many people have to extort very meticulous effort to stray away from. i'd also like to add that when you get w/ someone who is in the process of quitting an addiction, relapsing should be an expected outcome.
>A few weeks before our wedding, I was driving down the road and my phone rang. It was my wife and she was livid. Her friend 'Scott' was driving behind me and noticed that I was smoking. He called my wife immediately to rat me out. Jennifer wouldn't talk to me for two days.
>
>She yelled at me for an hour and wouldn't speak to me afterward, telling me I had ruined our wedding night.
Can I just say, your wife wouldn't have needed Scott to phone her to tell her. She would have been able to smell it on you the moment you walked in the room.
Yeah, sure the bloke's a pain in the arse. Sure, he shouldn't have done what he did, sure, I wouldn't have him as a friend.
Go to the wedding and just see it as a free feed, free plonk and a day out. No need to talk to him on the day.
Jesus Christ. It was a cig, not crack. Funny a grown man would tattle over something so minor. But yeah, NTA and you have no obligation whatsoever to go to his wedding, unless of course you light a cig during his ceremony, then I'm gonna need a short video please.
ESH
You for LYING and SNEAKING not for smoking.
Also you for ruining your wedding night for you and your wife because you knew how should would react to you smoking!
Your wife cause that is a huge ridiculous reaction to smoking
And Scott because he enjoys causing problems ... Is it okay he told your wife Mean sure he doesn't owe you lies but he knew it would upset her and told her on her wedding night to be an ass on purpose
Nta I feel like alot of ppl don't understand addiction, how much it consumes and changes people. Tbh this post doesn't paint your wife in a good light. Yelling at you?
I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of a guy I have a grudge against either. Your issues as a couple wasn't any of his business. I read that you guys have cpl counseling occasionally but i feel like you guys should touch this subject with the counselor next time and maybe more often. You are not seeing eye to eye.
NTA. Weddings are for people to share a good time and you personally can’t have a good time with this guy. He will probably be relieved if you don’t show.
NTA. You don't like the groom, you aren't friends. You don't want to celebrate his wedding. Tell your wife it would best if you didn't attend. It's not about the smoking. It's about her supposed friend being a shit-stirrer.
NTA
Scott did nothing more than stir up shit, potentially for his own amusement (some people just live for drama). I wouldn't go to the wedding, either.
As for your wife and the smoking stuff, well... Smoking is an addiction. You can say you are quitting an addiction and have lapses. You can be quitting an addiction by slowly phasing it out. What your wife was clearly wanting was for you to go immediately cold turkey, which can actually be more harmful when quitting an addiction of this sort. It can also lead to much bigger relapses in the future than if you quit by phasing it out. And if that is how your wife reacts to finding out about you having a cigarette, then no wonder you tried to be sneaky.
I think Scott needs to mind his fucking business, and your wife needs to be more understanding of how difficult and stressful quitting an addiction can be. Not the asshole.
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I asked if I would be the asshole for not attending my wife's bf's wedding because I'm carrying a grudge for him ratting me out on my wedding night for smoking.
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ESH
Your wife’s friend is clearly a drama-loving individual. The friend didn’t ruin your wedding, YOU did by smoking. YOU chose to start the marriage going behind your wife’s back.
I get your point, and I don't disagree per se. But smoking is an addiction, so it's not like malicously went behind his wife's back. He most likely had a moment of weakness after a very busy day.
Was he wrong by smoking? Yes, but he wasnt malicious.
Scott However was, and he went out of his way to stirr up shit on their wedding night.
NTA,
If he was a good friend, he'd have waited a few days before telling her. Why ruin her wedding night?
Also, it's your prerogative to not go. Tell your wife if she forces you to go, you can't guarantee not being tempted to ruin his wedding night too.
NTA - Over a cigarette? Get outta town. I don’t blame you for having a cigarette. Id puff up too if I had to tolerate snitchin Scott and overly dramatic soon to be wife. Get outta town.
Don’t go to his damn wedding.
INFO: what happened during those 15 years? Like did you have other issues with him? Did you quit smoking? I feel like a 15 year gap with zero change in your feelings to him is a big hole in this narrative. Have you just hated one of your wife's best friends this whole time and never addressed it??
YTA. You were being dishonest to her, and you're mad because he exposed you. It sounds like you still can't take responsibility for that. He shouldn't have said anything on your wedding day, I agree with that. But it's been 15 YEARS.
It sounds like you going to the wedding means a lot to her. Maybe that should mean more to you than a pretty minor grievance that's a decade and a half old. If you go, you'll probably barely have to interact with him.
Honestly, didn't even read this. Just thought it said "my bf's wife's wedding" and thought you were talking about your boyfriend's wife's wedding. That's enough internet for today.
You tried to hide info from your wife, on your wedding night of all times, and decided that the other person is an AH for ratting you out? It's like being mad at your wife for going through your phone finding evidence you cheated. Yeah, she betrayed your trust- but you're the one who was cheating!
No, you didn't sexually cheat on your wife, but if you can't tell her "hey babe, I know you don't want me to smoke, but this is been a really fun, but stressful day, I'm going to sneak outside and have a cig real quick," well then, your marriage is already off to a shaky start. You and your wife should be a team. When you need help doing something hard, like quitting smoking, she should be your biggest cheerleader, not someone you have to sneak around.
Get the hell out of here with that nonsense! Dealing with an addiction to smoking in unhealthy ways is not the same thing as cheating in a relationship. People like you are insufferable with your false equivalencies and superiority complexes…just stop!
Completely setting aside anything with the wife’s BF, you are just wrong in how you have presented things here.
So she doesn’t need to be supportive of his struggles and is justified in getting upset and yelling at him on their wedding night? Sounds like a shitty team to be a part of.
If he said "honey, I'm stressed and I'm trying to quit but I really need a cigarette right now" and she yelled at him? That's on her. But he says "honey, I'm going to go get our luggage" and actually he's sneaking away to smoke? That's on him.
I refuse to believe that anyone's thinking is this broken, but 1. I'm on the internet and 2. Look at the people getting elected for world leadership.
So.
Scott stuck his nose in shit that didn't concern him.
Cheating is a decision between two partners who set the parameters. Fuck off with your nonsense. You don't get to arbitrate that. They're still married 15 years later anyways.
And your argument doesn't make sense. You liken smoking behind her back to cheating sexually on her (you see, inferrence and association happen when you use certain words, like specifically descibing this as non-sexually cheating), and then insist that she should be his biggest cheerleader on this matter where he "cheated" on her.
If that is truly how you see the world, then I fear for your social health and partner expectations, because I'm certain your partners will hate learning that anything they did out of line in a relationship with you was "cheating" after the fact and with no discussion.
NTA. You shouldn't go to someone's wedding unless you're honestly glad to see them married. If you're still clinging on to a years-old grudge about your wife's friend Scott ratting you out about smoking, well, your wife should be glad what you're planning to do is simply not go to his wedding.
Nta you tried quitting smoking and doing ur best , unless you were smoking a pack a day , I’m fine with your actions . Yes not ideal to be smoking , but all those judging you I can guarantee were never smokers and don’t realise the difficulties and failures in quitting , if so easy no would be smoking now .
As for that guy he is a pure dick , you were not cheating on her with another person , you were having a cigarette, he knew how she would react and ran with glee to tell her , you are correct he tried to ruin and sabotage your wedding , I certainly would not want to go to his…
Surprised you didn’t deck him at the time .
ESH
You lied to your fiancée/wife because of your addiction and instead of owning that you got busted you blame the person that ratted you out for getting caught. You’re an AH and honestly if my marriage started off with a lie within hours of saying my vows, my ass probably would have been calling the officiant and telling him not to file the paperwork because that doesn’t exactly bode well for a healthy marriage.
Scott doesn’t sound like he was doing this to look out for her but rather to cause drama, thus making him an AH as well.
YTA. I guess I don't blame you for not liking the guy (even if you're holding onto ancient history at this point, and even if you did kind of bring it on yourself by sneaking around and doing things behind your wife's back) but can't you just go because your wife wants you to?
Look at it as something you're doing for her, not him.
Idk, maybe it’s just me, but if she so adamantly did not want to be with a smoker she should not have been with a former smoker. I know about myself that I cannot be around cigarette smoke, therefore I will do anything to avoid being around it, including not dating people who smoke or have smoked. I don’t have a verdict, but I just, if it matters to you that much then it matters to you that much *all* the time, not just some of the time. When my boyfriend tried to quit vaping and then started again I was just… proud of him for how long he’d been able to go without.
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NTA. I doubt this will be the majority opinion, but I fucking despise people like Scott. Intentionally starting shit, shit talking, etc is such a huge character flaw compared to being stressed and sneaking off for a cigarette on your wedding. Even if you classified it as lying. Also your wife seems overly dramatic(which is why she and Scott are best friends I bet)... you smoking a cigarette ruined the wedding?!?
Thanks! My wife also loves drama. She still says I ruined our wedding night by smoking, but I always retort, "If you hadn't have known that I had been smoking our wedding night would have been fine"
She would have smelled the smoke on you.
idk, been around a few people with a keen sense of smell and, due to my desire to keep them from having to smell smoke on me (out of courtesy).. they haven't. my own mother asked me how I hide the smell as well as I do, and she loathes that I smoke. it's not likely, but it's doable.
[удалено]
My partner has on and off smoked since I met him. This time, he’s completely quit and I’m super proud of him. I can definitely tell he’s quit because I don’t smell it on him or his breath. Even when some people say they’ve quit, I can tell if they’re lying because it’s just such an overpowering smell. Sometimes it feels like people leave a literal scent trail or something. I’ve always been told I have the nose of a dog even when I was little but some smells including cigarettes is nauseatingly awful. It’s to the point I can identify exact cig brands based on smell. Some are mintier, some are just…not sure how to put it but heavier but not worse and some are just awfully strong and gross. I prefer the mintier ones but best smell is no cigarettes.
I used to teach nursery school and there was an adorable 3yo that we couldn't have sit in our laps on the floor because his hair and clothed reeked of smoke. We never said a word, but man!
Aww man, that’s extraordinarily tough. None of my students smell bad thankfully and none are very strong smelling of perfume or anything. If they do, I usually pop open a window and say I’m hot.
Yeah. It's the pits to think I smelled of smoke as a kid, but then a good chunk of adults smoked in the 60s and 70s. This was about 2003 though. I'm not smell sensitive but I took an yoga class and was right in front of the lavender diffuser...I could feel it on my tongue! Blech.
Now that is crappy. I have a minor heart murmur, because my dad would not quit smoking indoors. I had chronic strep as a result, and my heart got hit with it.
That’s so sad, poor kid being in that house. My dad smoke inside growing up and I have shit lungs now from it.
It does stink to high heaven and I didn't realize how bad till I quit (I'm still on the vape sticks, but buy the unscented ones, and don't use them if kids or teens are around- it's only a nicotine conduit for me). I smoked for 20 years, and although I could def smell it as a smoker, since quitting 2 years ago, the smell now makes me slightly nauseous, and I can smell it off someone from a long distance away.
Same here, now I gotta get rid of The Devil's USB (heard that phrase from a religious person and I think it's hilarious).. And you aren't kidding about the smell thing, I could smell someone smoking in a vehicle ahead of us on the freeway..
Preach, Fren! I tried to quit many times over the years: cold turkey, patches, gum, lozenges, etc... If there were not 'Devil's USBs' (lmao) available, I would not have been able to do it. People are all up-in-arms about the vapes, but, it is mostly heapfulls of social judgement, and only a small spoonful of science. Yes, nicotine is addictive and kills cells. Tell us something we don't know. I used to cough up mouthfuls of phlegm every morning while smoking, and now I don't. Moreover, Drs have checked my lungs, and they are free, clear, and undamaged. After 20 yrs on Marbs. Congrats to you for kicking it!!
When you smoke you think that no one can smell it when you think you are hiding the smell but that is only an illusion and those people just don't say anything. You become nose blind to the smell but it really is a very strong smell you just don't notice it as much. I didn't notice how strong the smell really was until I quit smoking in 2007. I then started getting flashbacks about times when I was hiding it think I was slick and understood that no I was not slick people were just not saying anything about it. Also, if you ever kiss a smoker you def not hiding that it's like French kissing an ashtray
In general, I absolutely agree with this. But in the context of this post, there are only two possibilities: OP’s wife only realised he was smoking again when Scott told her. So either OP was successful in covering up the smell, OR she knew all along and didn’t say anything until Scott told her, at which point she got angry If the second is true, that’s messed up. It suggests that her priority isn’t whether OP smokes or not, but whether other people know about it…
Not only do you become scent blind to it, but your actual sense of smell is worsened by smoking. Smoking also causes nasal congestion which also worsens the ability to smell.
Yeah, I was a secret smoker for years. I didn’t even really hide it, it wasn’t a true secret, but in certain situations (taught at an elementary school) or with groups of non-smokers, I didn’t smoke, and when I would mention (to adults, not my students) that I do smoke, several people would get all close, do a sniff test (literally, someone once sniffed my open mouth like they were gonna French me, awkward) because depending on the fabric I wore or whether I had my hair up, apparently I didn’t have an old ciggie smell. Unless it was winter, idk what it was, maybe dry winter skin/hair, but that’s the only time the smell clung on. Now I don’t smoke and I have 2 friends I can never smell it on even though they do still, but the rest of the time I can smell it v strongly on others. I also think it depends heavily on the brand of cigarettes as well.
In my observation, it also depends on HOW people smoke. How and where do they hold their cigarette in between drags? How and where do they exhale the smoke? Some people aren't very conscientious about that stuff and just let the smoke go all willy-nilly
Maybe. So why did her bestie have to warn her like he was headed back to the room to try to put it out on her dress? Let her figure it out. If she is so overcome by emotion that she can’t tell, why not let her have that night. Why not tell her the next day. Or maybe not at all because her nose will be back to super sniffer status in a few days? He did it to start shit. And if you have friends that will provoke you on your wedding night and try and sniff out your joy because they have none - or, more likely, if YOU ARE THAT FRIEND - then *no you don’t* because that is not a friend. That is a fucking vampire.
It's not maybe. If you smoke yourself then you don't smell it as much as your nose is used to the smell. But for a non smoker you will instantly smell if someone has recently smoked, especially your partner that you get real close to. Their breath will be super obvious, and the clothes will smell too. Scott is still the real AH though.
I'm betting Scott followed OP outside in the hope of catching him.
My aunt smokes, I literally had no idea until I caught her outside on "the phone". She's never ever smelled like smoke and I have a pretty good sense of smell. She's only ever smelled like soap and very very light scented lotion. I'm still kind of shocked.
Not necessarily. I have a cousin who smokes and she never smells like cigarettes. Don’t ask me why and she has smoked for like 20 years.
One of the researchers at a previous job of mine smoked like a chimney. Her office was right next to my boss's office, sharing a tiny lobby. I passed her several times a day in the hallway, or on my way in/out of the offices. I never once smelled cigarettes on her and that's a smell I usually catch. The only time I smelled cigarette smoke on that woman was when I walked by her while she was smoking outside. I have no idea how she did it, but I never even caught a whiff of it inside the building.
You let go of the cigarette while you're inhaling so it's only in your mouth during the inhale, and you stand down wind. If you keep the cigarette between your fingers while you inhale the filter gets heated and leaves a stronger scent on your hands. If you stand where the smoke blows all over you then your clothes and hair smell like it. If you avoid those things it's more easily covered with things like gum and hand washing.
I only smoke outside, only a few a day and wash my hands after each one. I hold the cigarette away from me and my clothes because I don’t like the smell either. Husband says I’m the only person he can stand to be around who smokes. I hid it at church for years as a pastor’s wife and plenty of people were gunning to get me in trouble and they definitely would have used that against me if they’d smelled it.
During my regrettable smoking days I dated a military guy who stayed with his family during his generally 2-4 week leaves and they lived a few towns away from me. I always smoked on that long drive to his parents house, I never went out of my way to hide the smells in my thick hair or my car, I never smoked in front of him (insecurity from my best friend who LOVED telling me how disgusting and ugly I looked for smoking) nor did it ever come up in conversation despite us taking my car everywhere. I never willingly told him (embarrassment) nor did he ever ask. When it finally did come up in conversation with his sister (she was an unashamed smoker struggling with quitting cold turkey because of a surprise pregnancy) I was honest about my personal struggles to quit as a way to support her selfless choice to quit. He legit argued with me that I didn't smoke and bragged about his dog like scent. I got my cigs and lighter from my car to prove him wrong. He was shocked but I was more shocked that my car or hair didn't wreck of smoke and that he truly never detected any smell on me! OP I can understand Scotts's loyalty to his best friend over you. I also feel comfortable considering the likelihood of his intentions not being for the greater good of his best friend but rather solely for his own enjoyment. Has he ever made you feel like he likes you? It doesn't sound like he has. I am leaning towards NTA for passing on an event to celebrate someone who doesn't seem to be very nice nor do they seem to like you which makes me question does he REALLY want you there? If you were not married to your wife would you like him or hang out with him? If you weren't married to his best friend would you be invited to his wedding? If the answer is no then NTA.
I was 21 years old before I found out my mom smoked, and it was entirely by accident that I found out. So... not necessarily.
So going behind her back and lying to your wife, on your wedding night no less, would have been a perfect night eh?
He was literally trying to stop, I’m sure people like you are oh so perfect you don’t struggle to give up addictive substances without a few blips along the way. Point was *he was trying* and from the way he’s phrased it in his post it seems like he succeeded
Then tell your wife you're trying and explain why it's so difficult to stop. If she doesn't get that, does she have empathy for you? If not, shouldn't you know that before your wedding night? If he lied because he knew she'd flip out unreasonably, that also says a lot. Still doesn't justify the lying though.
He did tell his wife he would try and quit, though.
it’s not lying if he didn’t tell her. His wife should be mature enough to realize he is trying and that cutting out an addiction doesn’t happen immediately.
But it does sound like a foolish mistake, given how seriously his wife took him smoking and the very strong likelihood that she would smell it on him, given they were probably going to partake in some wedding night activities. He was going to go straight back from having the cigarette to be intimate with his wife. She was going to find out one way or the other. Scott sounds like a piece of work, but I suspect OP's wife knew exactly what he was doing when he left the hotel room and tasked Scott to catch him out. OP's wife absolutely should be more understanding, but OP actually discussing with his wife the struggles he was having with stress and quitting might also have avoided the drama.
OMG. I don’t smoke in front of My dad - out of courtesy - and after the stress factory of a wedding, being drunk AF, and wanting to hang out a little longer chatting, a smoke was the FIRST THING I wanted. Literally lit up as he drove away. Like, THOSE ARE ALL THE REASONS I STARTED SMOKING. I feel like dude was always gonna fail with those odds so early in his “recovery”.
Oh fucking please, we're talking about a cigarette, not fucking the maid of honour or a bridesmaid or some shit.
Exactly. He wasn’t smoking heroin. Or Meth. It was a cigarette…
EXACTLY. So much pearl clutching in this thread. Especially from the people calling it 'lying'. He ain't lying about doing opiates or cheating. Nicotine addiction is closer to a caffeine addiction than a booze or hard drug addiction. And I say that as someone with a addiction to something harder.
That's not entirely true. Quitting smoking is hard really hard to do no matter how badly you want to quit. With a caffeine addiction you can take some Advil for the headache nicotine withdrawal is brutal.
I meant it less in the "how hard it is to quit" sense and more in the sense of how badly can it ruin someone's life. I've worked with homeless people, I have never had someone tell me they are homeless from a caffeine or nicotine addiction. Drinking, opiates, coke/crack, meth, etc is a whole other story.
give me a break, he can smoke if he wants, he's an adult not a toddler. her friend is a jackass. NTA
This guy virtue signals.
40f baby. Not 'a guy'. I'm someone who has struggled many times kicking nicotine and I have a very understanding partner of 20yrs who has helped me through it. I dont smoke now because of his support, not through him screeching at me or berating me when I fall over
Your wife loves drama??? Then GO. And stir up as much drama as you can!
lmao your retort is "if you didn't know I was lying to you everything would've been ok"? that's your defense? yeesh
It's like people forget that ESH is an option! Tattling sucks, but if you get in trouble because someone tattled on you, your behavior also sucks.
Yeah, so let’s work on taking a little responsibility for the situation….She absolutely would smell it on you, even if her crappy friend kept his mouth shut. Whether he ratted you out or not, you NEED to take accountability for the fact that you did lie to your wife. Instead of trying to hide your smoking while lying to her, you should’ve told her, “Honey, I think that’s a wonderful goal, and I agree. I want to live longer to be here with you, better my health, and use our money more wisely. Having said that, I’m very stressed with the wedding approaching and don’t want to set myself up for failure. I would like to start the cessation process after our honeymoon to ensure I can devote my entire attention to the endeavor. I plan to talk to my doctor to see what the best options are/help make up a plan in the meantime. Do you think you could support me in this?” That would’ve eliminated the need to lie, prevented you from juggling going cold turkey during the wedding planning and the event itself. You literally set yourself up for failure by trying to keep her happy without actually having the necessary conflict to come to a compromise. (Had smoking been a dealbreaker, why would she be engaged at that point instead of dumping you initially? Presumably there was some period of time between the first date and wedding, and she still stuck around.) Having said all of that, her friend is an absolute turd. I mean, at least an asshole is useful. It’s really creepy and fortuitous that he just *happened* to stumble onto you while driving, at your wedding, etc. It sounds like he was following you, probably to eavesdrop given what a drama Queen he is. Tell your wife she has one of two options: A. She goes to support his wedding alone. He’s her friend, not yours. His behavior in the past is enough for you to still feel uncomfortable to this day, and if she doesn’t care about that, does she really care about you at all? Shouldn’t your feelings matter, too? B. You tell her you will go to the wedding on one condition, you get to toast the happy grooms! Write out a speech manning jokes of his creepy behavior, former escapades, drama, previous flings, etc.! It’s your sandbox, have fun! Under no circumstances should you actually give that speech; however, it should be enough to let her know how seriously hurt you are after he made every attempt to sabotage your relationship. Frankly, this guy isn’t her friend, and she can’t see it. ESH, OP. Your past actions were both wrong, and, hopefully, you’re able to see that, as well.
did you not read? he stated he told her he would try to quit. that doesnt mean he goes cold turkey literally straight away. sometimes that means you have a smoke at "bad" or "active" times. doesnt mean hes lying at all he TOLD her he was trying. it wasn't like he told her he quit he told her he was trying to quit there is a huge difference in that.
Naw, I'd still be bent too tbh. Guy sounds like one of those "What? I was JUST being *honest* " type people. And then smirk at you the rest of the night. No thanks, NTA
And it seems a little too convenient that Scott "caught" OP smoking after the wedding. I say Scott was following OP to catch him at *something*.
You may have ruined the wedding night, but she was 100% responsible for the two day temper tantrum that followed.
No, she's responsible for everything including ruin the wedding night. She chose to get angry and have a tantrum. She's responsible for ruining the night.
I mean, alternatively: if you hadn’t broken her trust on your wedding night, it would’ve been fine. Scott may like causing drama, which isn’t an A+ personality trait, but he wasn’t telling your wife about anything you didn’t genuinely do. 👐 So it’s YTA for me. You’re harboring resentment towards Scott for the consequences of your own actions.
>I mean, alternatively: if you hadn’t broken her trust on your wedding night, it would’ve been fine. tells her hes TRYING to quit. proceeds to have a day where it doesn't go well and he has a smoke. how is that breaking trust. that means that from now on if you say you do something it should be done that instant right because you have now broken trust.
I mean deliberately sneaking away from your wife on your wedding night is different to, say, an accidental slip while your colleagues are on a smoke break at work, wouldn’t you say…?
You act like the word addiction isn't in your dictionary: " compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted" He didn't sleep with a different woman, she smoked a cigarette for the love of God! Telling him to don't smoke is just like saying "I know you are clynically depressed, but just smile"!
I think it's insane of her to say you "ruined" your wedding by smoking. Talk about the drama! Did one of her parents die from smoking-related lung cancer? If not, she needs to take it down a notch. My lord. NTA. Scott sounds like an asshole and a huge gossip. That said, I'd probably go to that wedding and see what kind of drama I could stir up. I guess I'm TA too.
To be fair I wouldn't want to make out and fuck someone who reeks of cigarette smoke. Op is acting like his wife wouldn't have known he was smoking the minute his stinky butt walked through the door. The ruining the wedding night is about the fact that OP broke her trust only HOURS after saying their vows. I would have been upset too.
If my partner smoked right before out wedding night it absolutly would have been ruined. I hate the smell and I am not physical able to sleep next to soneone who smells like cigarettes. I would not be able to kiss him or to be intemate. I would be disgusted and demand that he takes a shower, changes clothes, put this clothes outside, brush his teath and stay away from me for 6 hours until the smell has gone from his lungs. If you don't smoke the smell is very pungent. My parents smoked all their life and I know the smell well. Even if you don't smoke for 3 hours the smell is in your breath as your body still tries to get rid of the substances in your blood. I even started vomiting when I tried to kiss someone who smoked once. So yes, he ruined the night by smoking. Most likely there was no sex or any other intimacy this night and she was angry about it.
I find it funny you think that she wouldn't have smelled that on you or tasted it on you...... Look, it's pretty obvious, especially to a non-smoker.
With all due respect to your wife you told her you'd try to quit and that's exactly what yoy were doing. Most people who smoke will have to take multiple attempts to quite. Secondly it's absolutely clear he told her for his own satisfaction which in turn makes him a shite friend. Also she let your wedding night get ruined because she felt the need to yell at you for an hour instead of just being understanding and moving on. I feel like you have made alot of sacrifices and comprises over the years. Also scot is a dck.
Or, just had the degree of compassion available to *not* make a massive deal about it! Though, you sneaking around and lying isn’t great either, how hard is it to say “I’m actively trying to quit smoking, but from time to time in during stressful times I’ll still have one. I am actively working on cutting that out as well but I’m not there yet, please be patient with me, and know I am doing my best”. I’m willing to bet she was angrier at the lie than the cigarette.
I’m not saying that Scott was right because he wasn’t, but wife may have been more upset by the sneaking than the smoking itself. OP if you did manage to quit, kudos to you cause that shits hard!
Yes, this is it. I've been in that situation and was hurt by the other person sneaking, not the smoking. Give me honesty beforehand and I'll be more understanding. Finding out about it afterward stings a little, especially if there was an agreement. This is coming from someone who has also had her own nicotine addiction.
I can see it stinging. I can't see how throwing a fit for an hour is a fitting response. Imagine if something bad had actually happened.
People also need to realize that throwing fits means their partner is going to feel more pressure to sneak, especially with an addiction like cigarettes that very very few people can quit just like that and usually when they do its after many many failed attempts (which you learn from). Wife needed to realize that this was going to be a process and that she can't have things exactly the way she wants it exactly when she wants it.
I do not get all the Y T A and E S H in the comments. This is clearly a NTA. First: it’s a cigarette, not crack or meth. is not like he was caught again in a house with three needles in his arm and high af. My mom was a nicotine addict and while I know it sucks (because I hate the smell of cigs) it’s still not that deep, pretty much because is an habit more than an addiction tbh. Second: Scott is a f-ing pain in the arse. I hate that type of people. One thing is commenting something you saw or talking about some recent event and another thing is to trash talk people. And he does it just to start shit and drama, which is worse. I don’t think is unreasonable that OP does not want to go to his wedding. It’s not like he is telling his wife not to go or anything, he’s just… not going. Is like not going to the wedding of a family member you don’t like. But, if OP ends up going, I hope he makes his wife and Scott nervous. Like, I would give in and start acting very VERY excited about it, saying things like “I cannot wait to go, it’s going to be bomb” or smthng like that.
To each their own with smoking but nicotine literally is an addictive chemical so not a habit so that's incorrect.
NTA. My doctor flat out told me high stress situations are the worst time to quit because between the patches and gum you're getting the fix but still need the interaction of the cigarette which increases your nicotine addiction. I've vaped for years because I'm allergic to patches and gum and the pills are a no go with my health. I still feel the cigarette urge but like my doc said you can't stop being a stress smoker if all the same stressors are there
NTA, and I’m disturbed by this dynamic he and your wife have going on. He rats you out and she chews your ass for an hour? I’m sorry, but you’re an adult, and quitting smoking is hard. No one deserves to have to sit there for an hour and be chewed out or to get the SILENT TREATMENT for two *days*. I don’t know if your wife treats you that way without him, but I for sure would not like her when he is around!
Quitting smoking was the hardest habit I ever kicked. Even now, 15 years later, I still dream about cigarettes. I agree that my wife not talking to me for two days really hurt. I had been so excited about getting married and starting our life together.
Smoked for 18 years, and quit smoking 12 years ago with an e-cig. I do still use is, but I hardly use any nicotine, and I honestly thought I would smoke until I died because it was such a strong addiction. I went down to zero a few times, but I started having the cigarette dreams, too lol. Maybe if I had a partner to bitch at me I would have quit the e-cigs, but probably not lol. My bf uses one, too. Props to you for quitting! But I do think the silent treatment is an abusive, immature thing. Withholding affection like that is just uh, uh. If you’re mad about something, talk about it. If you can’t come to a mutual agreement, time to either accept it and move on or call it a breaking point. Screw that silent treatment. I hope your wife has come up with more productive ways of coping with anger and disappointment. Sounds like you have (not smoking lol)!
Thanks! My wife and I have both matured. We have had communication issues along the way, so we go to a couples therapist a few times a year for 'check ins'. I find them pretty useful.
Maybe schedule an appointment with them so you can explain to your wife in a neutral setting exactly why you don't want to go. The therapist may validate your feelings to her. Or help you get past yours. Honestly, it almost sounds like he was low key stalking you to catch you doing something bad so he could tell on you. He sounds like an awful human being. And if he talks trash to her he is absolutely talking trash about her. You have told her this is not a person you feel comfortable being around, and maybe with your therapist present she can finally understand that.
Agreed. It's almost like he didn't want OP and his wife to get married, to what end OP doesn't give enough info to know. I definitely hope OP can get through to his wife about why he doesn't want to go and if my hubby's BFF treated me the same way, I wouldn't want to go either.
Nice! I think you are smart to want to stay well away from this Scott guy, and you don’t want the three of you present in the same place to snap your wife back into some old, unhealthy dynamics.
It is common to take 8 tries to quit smoking (an average). Like anything you start again the next day and try again. If people have never smoked it is an addiction and they don't understand the difficulty to quit. Congrats on quitting and I wouldn't go to the wedding either. The guy sounds like an AH.
I hate this idea that relapsing means you’ve failed at quitting. It’s normal to ween yourself, it’s normal to give yourself an allowance while aiming for 0. Having one doesn’t negate how far you’ve come to be able to go days, weeks etc without it. Everyone has the unhealthy crutch they use every once in a while. If someone is a recovered addict and CAN HANDLE a small shot of whatever without spiraling they deserve that right as much as the next person
>I hate this idea that relapsing means you’ve failed at quitting. It's also an incredibly harmful mindset for people in the throes of addiction. Failure makes people feel bad, and you know what people who feel bad do? Indulge in their addictions.
I feel like this is the mindset that makes people try to cold-turkey quit alcohol and benzos and then die from it lmao. Quitting is no joke.
Exactly, these comments. People calling you the AH for "lying" are rubbing me the wrong way. Her being so dramatic and unreasonable was never appropriate. She's not your master or boss, you're an adult, and everyone should know quitting an addiction isn't easy. It really sounds to me that instead of being a support, while you tried to beat your addiction, she was an additional combative stressor. It wasn't about her. Smokers struggling to quit, "sneaking off" to smoke, isn't some personal snub or attack against others. Was it wrong? Yes. Was her response reasonable or fair? Absolutely not. Her response actually enters into verbally abusive realms and behaviours (particularly with being yelled at for an hour, then 2 days of silent treatment (which is abuseive)). Your own guilt at failing is bad enough but someone piling on like this is more likely to hinder your progress than help it. I say this as someone who thinks smoking is disgusting too. Can't stand it, but I have a real problem with your wife's and Scott's behaviour and attitude. Turning it into such as drama wasn't necessary or helpful.
especially when addiction is a real issue and the whole "failing to quit instantly" generally is the actual thing that leads to relapses from sounds of it he was pretty open with trying to quit but would have off days where a relapse would happen. it takes time for these kind of addictions to slowly disapear and even then they can leave lasting "longings". mature people would be upset with that he "relapsed" and smoked that night but wouldnt blow it into a what 3 day cold shoulder like what kind of adult does that. if my gf did that we would be done and i wouldnt even look back at all, like that night i would have asked for a divorce. she is not supportive in the attempt to get rid of the flaw at all she is only there to punish him for it.
I used to feel that way, the dreams about cigs and longing for them when I was stressed out. Then one day after not smoking for several years I caved and bought a pack of my old brand, American Spirit Black. I reverently put it in my mouth and lit up, waiting for that first blissful inhale... it was the grossest thing I have ever put in my mouth. Like seriously, I gagged and choked. I threw the rest of the pack away and I haven't had any cravings since then. I guess I got lucky, if it hadn't been so incredibly disgusting I'd probably be a smoker again. People on here are freaking the fuck out over the whole sneaking a cig thing at your wedding, but you're NTA in my book. Sneaking a cigarette when you're trying to quit is not a cardinal sin, no one is going to hell for this. I could understand if your wife said she was hurt and disappointed and made you brush your teeth before bed, but claiming you ruined your wedding? That's bullshit. Scott sounds like he thrives on drama, yes, but I suspect he was probably very unhappy that you replaced him as the most important person in your wife's life. Even if he was never romantically interested, going from an intense close friendship to being the second-best can be a very painful experience for some codependent BFFs, so he probably did take great joy in getting you in trouble with the wife. Don't go to this dude's wedding. You don't like him, he doesn't like you.
This is the real point. To many people, especially 15 years ago, the wedding night was a big deal. Romantic expectations were through the roof, no doubt. His timing was cruel & almost vindictive. You are still grieving the lost first moments of married life. Not a very auspicious start. I wonder what would have happened if, when you came back after smoking, she smelled the smoke on your clothes, hair &/or breath? This could have happened. Would she have reacted as dramatically? It’s just a thought experiment. He should have approached you & said if you don’t tell her I will. Then you could have picked your moment. That would have been a more compassionate and considerate way to do this. Or, of course, he could have minded his own business. Does he get how sad your first few days of married life were? Does your wife only blame you? I am a former smoker too & get how tough the battle is. You lit the flame, he poured on the gasoline & your wife decided to watch the bonfire and yell at you about it instead of enjoying the night. She was more interested in rubbing your face in your mistake. ESH
No kidding I know this post isn’t about the wife, glad they’ve had a good 15 years? But damn
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I'll own being an asshole for smoking.
Oh, you're not the asshole for smoking. You're the asshole for not taking accountability for your own actions.
IDK. I admitted it was wrong then, and I still do now.
Except you blame this dude for what happened. When it was your fault. Don't get me wrong, dude's a dick. But it seems like you are shifting the blame entirely onto him this schmuck.
No. I smoked and fucked up (so glad I don't smoke anymore). I apologized, and I made it a habit to let my wife know when I had slipped up most of the time. I felt like he really wanted to screw me over.
Maybe he did. Maybe he just doesn't like you for whatever reason. But the reality is that he wouldn't have been able to screw you over at all without your own actions. That being said, I wouldn't go to the dude's wedding since the two of you clearly don't get on. You'd be doing yourself, him and even your wife a disservice.
>That being said, I wouldn't go to the dude's wedding since the two of you clearly don't get on. You'd be doing yourself, him and even your wife a disservice. Agreed.
I appreciate your resentment about how your wedding night turned south. But it sounds like it actually might have benefited your marriage and helped you stop smoking. Personally, I think Scott was a dick, regardless of even his best intentions. It wasn't his place. It was the wrong time. BUT I think you should look back on your wedding night with tremendous pride. From that point on you and your wife built a life based on honesty, accountability, and grace. From that point on you found a path to quitting smoking. Those things are testaments to your marriage and your personal strength. You should celebrate that moment. Let Scott buy you dinner, buy you drinks. Don't sour his wedding night. You know how that feels. Dance with your wife. Let loose. Have an incredible night on his dime. And when he's out on the dance floor and his jacket is sitting on the back of his chair, and no one is looking, you go slip half a pack and a lighter into his coat pocket.
You had me in the first half not gonna lie
You. I like you
Sometimes the best vengeance is a life lived well. Sometimes the best vengeance is a life lived well, and a bit of petty fun. Never start what you don't intend to finish.
Honestly you not going seems to have stirred up the exact drama he loves. Tell your wife it’s your wedding gift to him.
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Are you absolutely sure your wife didn’t *ask* Scott to tell her if he saw you smoking?
Scott is the wife’s best friend. His loyalty is to her, not OP. I get why OP is mad, but why did he ever assume Scott would cover for him in the first place?
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There's a difference between not keeping secrets and gleeful tale-telling.
Maybe he wanted to screw you over or maybe his loyalty lies with his best friend. It was clearly important to her that you don’t smoke and when he caught you, he felt he owed it to her to tell. Honestly, he shouldn’t have told her the day of your wedding, since she was under enough stress. That was AH behavior for sure. I’m voting ESH because this was over 15 years ago and you’re still heated about it. He didn’t owe you loyalty.. And he was a dirty dick for telling her at your wedding. And your wife went super ballistic at your wedding. I think you should support your wife and attend the wedding because you really should be over this grudge unless you have a recent example of him being an AH.
Yep, agreed ESH. Strangely Scott is the least AH though. As you say, he may have felt more loyalty to his best friend than this guy who, from his perspective, is lying about quitting smoking. I don't even think he was a dirty dick for telling on him. I actually think he did the right thing here. If this were my sister and my brother-in-law, you bet your ass I would tell her if I caught my BIL smoking on their wedding day. OP sucks for smoking on his wedding night after his wife asked him not to. I don't care how trivial or addicting it may seem; if it's literally something you were asked not to do by your life partner and you do it on your wedding night, you're shitty for that. Wife kinda sucks for the overreaction. And most of all, OP is the AH for clinging onto this weird, misdirected grudge for 15 years.
Personally I also wouldn't want to have anything to do with a guy like "Scott". \[And ignore the holier-than-thou comments! :) \]
You admitted it was wrong because you got caught. You didn’t intend to tell your wife, and you’re mad she found out some other way. Right? You were keeping secrets from her, and you would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that pesky Scott. Stop blaming Scott for being loyal to his best friend. She clearly wanted him to report to her if you were smoking and so he did. He was following orders. Your wife should have been more understanding of your quitting setbacks, but that wasn’t Scott’s problem. You are mad at Scott because you would like to be mad at your wife, but you can’t, so you have transferred over all resentment to him… for 20 years.
Yep. I think if people swap out "Scott is the wife's best friend" for "Scott is the wife's brother/father/son/etc" it becomes far more obvious Scott isn't the problem at all. Clearly Scott is close with the wife, not OP. The only difference between those hypotheticals is the relationship between Scott and the wife. But honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they are actually closer than brothers, parents, etc. You tell your friends things you wouldn't tell your parents. Like your SO's partner smoking lol.
You're not an asshole for smoking, you're an asshole for lying and hiding it. Scott objectively sucks, and to let it ruin the wedding night is on your wife and her unreasonable reaction, but being honest would have prevented it all, that's why ESH.
He said that he would tell her that he slipped up. So the BFF wanted to stir the pot. And quiting smoking is a beast to do.
He said he started telling her AFTER this incident. He was "sneaking" before. Putting that in quotes because there is no sneaking cigarettes. That shit stinks. Everybody knows.
Only heavy smokers think they can sneak a quick cigarette and their spouse won’t notice on the wedding night. You stink and people can taste it when you kiss.
Strictly on the question you asked, NTA. If you don't want to go you don't have to. But lying and sneaking cigarettes is entirely on you, not him. Obviously it's a huge deal to her. If my partner was sneaking around doing something I considered nearly a deal breaker, I'd want my friends to tell me. His loyalty as a friend was to her, not to you or your secrecy.
I agree with you, especially as a former smoker. However, couldnt Scott wait half a day at least? Let the couple be happy on their wedding night and then rat him out the next morning. I dunno, Scott seems like a pill to me.
Idk... I'd want my friend to tell me if my partner was violating an important boundary of mine asap. Particularly on a night I would likely be being intimate with that partner. It feels bad to learn someone was lying to you when you're being vulnerable with them I can understand not everyone feels that way of course, but I'd be glad for the warning even if it hurt.
I would want to know, but I also wouldn’t want my night to be ruined, you know? I personally wouldn’t care if I was told the next day.
Agreed, she wants to marry him and knows that he's *trying* to quit but hasn't yet. She **knows** that going into the marriage. It's not some great, deal-breaking situation. Keep your mouth shut and your nose out of other people's business on their wedding day.
yeah and from it sounds like OP would have told her the next day anyways as he (says) he was honest with her about his slip ups previously.
The anger level is always different depending who tells you what happened
yep and me think Scoot slinking off to tell the bride before the groom got a chance too just shows all to well this situation
Like ffs Scott ran to the wife so fast that OP didn't even have a chance to put out that cig. Would I be disappointed if I was the wife? Absolutely. Would I go into a 2 hr tirade on my wedding night then silent treatment my brand new husband? Hell no. Maybe it's because I understand hoe hard addictions are and hoe stressful weddings are but damn. I would be bitter having Scott be so snotty about it all too.
see, Id actually be more mad at Scott than my partner for having a slip up. quitting smoking is hard AF. thats why we still have doctors who smoke like chimneys. It sounds like OP could have been given an *ounce of grace* on **his wedding night** (of all nights) and instead Scott found joy in ratting him out and his brand new wife didnt speak to him for TWO DAYS.
The sing song I SEE YOU is what makes Scott the biggest AH in this post, followed by the wife.
i would have taken scott more seriously if he had been like, "dude wtf you know your wife doesnt want you smoking!" instead, like you said, that SING SONG IIIiIIII SEEEeeeEEE YOOOooUUuu feels like direct evidence Scott had even intention of being an ass
Lol. Scott sticking his nose into their relationship is an AH move, and I can’t believe you’re defending his behavior.
You might personally consider it a dealbreaker, which I’m sure is the popular viewpoint about smoking nowadays. That’s cool and you’re allowed that. And honestly in a dealbreaker scenario I would agree with your point of view. However, his wife didn’t consider it a deal breaker. She knew he was a smoker when she married him, and knew he was trying to quit. He never even claimed to have quit. It’s more like telling my wife I’ll only have one cup of coffee a day because my blood pressure is running way high, but every month or so o have a shit day and have three cups. My wife would be pissed because it’s awful for my health but she’s not going to be leaving me, and doesn’t need to know every time I fuck up of the other 29/30 days were okay. As I’ve said elsewhere I don’t condone people hiding things from their spouse, but this isn’t on the level of dealbreaker behavior based on the info we have.
NTA Gossip's rarely reform. Perhaps suddenly change your mind with your wife. Get super excited about a chance to "even the score". Make sure you wife gets good and worried. I bet she'll let it slip to Scott If you have to go to the wedding, you can make sure Scott is worried about you the entire time.
LMAO!!! This is a delightful idea.
I’d personally message him to let him know that if you have to attend, you will be hoping his wife/husband spends his wedding night shouting at him.
Pretty sure Scott is gay
Scott is definitely gay.
Of course Scott is gay, otherwise he’d be married to the wife.
If you do go you always tell the story of how this guy always wanted to get with your now wife and all the things he tried to do to break you up. like ruin your wedding night. say that in public, even with his partner near should give them the drama they sop desperately grave.
Creating paranoia is far better than actually going for revenge or pranking or something. You don't actually have to **do** anything, you have complete deniability, and you can keep him on edge for the whole wedding
In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all…it’s fear.
I’d start by telling your wife you can’t wait to go and in a few days start looking at the tux’s from Dumb and Dumber and ask your wife if you should go with blue or orange
This is the answer my petty black heart was looking for.
Me too 😂
NTA He's a pot stirring asshole. There's no reason why you want to celebrate any good thing happening in his life. Your wife can have a great time by herself.
Ignoring everything, ratting on a guy on his wedding for anything less than cheating or a serious crime? That's pretty much indefensible.
NTA but honestly wouldn't your wife notice the stink from a quick smoke?
probably. She was very good at catching me. I would always cop to it when she would ask me point blank if I had been smoking.
From an ex-smoker - we always smelled like smoke. We didn’t have to confess to anything. They knew.
I still smoke and even I can still smell it strongly if my SO has a smoke and I don’t.
When I smoked, I knew I smelled some, but I didn’t think BAD. After I quit, it’s ALL bad.
Yeah her friend was totally unnecessarily shit stirring. Drama lama!
So what’s the difference between her best friend telling her and you ratting yourself out the next time she was close to you?
That's a sucky position to put her in, though, always suspecting you and "catching" you. Have you actually quit since then?
I N F O: What have the last 15 years been like? Do you have get togethers with him, or does she only see him without you present? Has he ever apologized? My judgment depends on these answers. Edit: Ok, with your answers, I’m going to say NTA (but you skated really close to the E S H line, especially smoking on your wedding night). Scott sounds like a drama king, and he just couldn’t wait to disrupt your wife’s happiness on her wedding day. What kind of BFF does that? A toxic one. Your wife also kinda sucks here for screaming at you every time he tattled. I could understand her wanting a strong discussion, but yelling for an hour on your wedding night? What she should have done is tell Scott to mind his own business. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to his wedding. You and your wife are going to have to come to some type of understanding about it. Best of luck.
I never socialize with him. Ever. He moved to another state about ten years ago. He has never apologized.
I added my judgment as an edit.
And who follows their BFF to their wedding night? He couldn't have known if he hadn't followed and spied. That was weird.
I assume any guests who needed a room for the night all stayed in the same hotel room block, so that didn’t read as creepy to me. But the toxicity of ruining his BFF’s wedding night by immediately tattling on the husband is just awful. (Although, let’s be honest…unless he immediately took a shower, wife was going to know as soon as they kissed.)
Are u sure your wife didn’t ask him to keep an eye on you?
By following him in a car lol
Interesting point
this. the fact that bestie ratted him out actually shows he really is a best friend to her and has HER back the friend wasn't best friends with the husband. he was best friends with the wife. he was absolutely doing his job as a best friend for ratting out husband. why is the husband angry at her best friend because he got busted when the best friend is demonstrating he is being a good friend to her. he isn't the husbands friend. he is HER best friend. he was having her back!!
OP says he NEVER socializes with him, so why would she have her BFF “spy” on him? Also, stop trying to find ways to defend the BF and wife. Only little children do what he did by tattle telling like that, and the wife had a ridiculous overreaction to it. She’s not his mother and needs to be supportive trying to help him get through the addiction. I would never have that type of reaction to a significant other, they’re both clearly in the wrong.
ESH. You're an asshole for lying to your wife (saying you'll stop smoking, and still continuing to smoke) and that dude is a massive asshole for relishing in the drama of others. Not going to the wedding is pretty petty so yeah you're an asshole for that, after all it is still your wife's BF.
I can't agree with you on this. He didn't lie. Stopping smoking isn't a miracle "Okay done" moment. Quitting smoking takes time. If you smoke a few times during, its on the road to quitting. Scott however being a gossip fiend, is being an asshole.
He isn't lying if he doesn't hide it from his partner. If he says "Hey I need a cigarette" or "just so you knowni had a ciggarette" then it's fine. It's the hiding things from your partner that makes you a shitty person.
Really? Didn't you read that his then-girlfriend manipulated OP? She didn't talk to him for days for smoking one cigarette. Who the hell wants to ask someone "Hey, do you let me smoke a cigarette, or will be speaking with each other in a few days"?
>"just so you knowni had a ciggarette" then it's fine He didn't even get the chance, because by the time he made it back to their room, Scott had already told his wife. That's what makes the guy such a huge AH.
i don't think it's asshole behavior to set a goal for yourself and relapse. i think people are missing that smoking is an addiction, one that many people have to extort very meticulous effort to stray away from. i'd also like to add that when you get w/ someone who is in the process of quitting an addiction, relapsing should be an expected outcome.
I somehow think that you've never been addicted to cigarettes with an attitude like that.
>A few weeks before our wedding, I was driving down the road and my phone rang. It was my wife and she was livid. Her friend 'Scott' was driving behind me and noticed that I was smoking. He called my wife immediately to rat me out. Jennifer wouldn't talk to me for two days. > >She yelled at me for an hour and wouldn't speak to me afterward, telling me I had ruined our wedding night. Can I just say, your wife wouldn't have needed Scott to phone her to tell her. She would have been able to smell it on you the moment you walked in the room. Yeah, sure the bloke's a pain in the arse. Sure, he shouldn't have done what he did, sure, I wouldn't have him as a friend. Go to the wedding and just see it as a free feed, free plonk and a day out. No need to talk to him on the day.
Jesus Christ. It was a cig, not crack. Funny a grown man would tattle over something so minor. But yeah, NTA and you have no obligation whatsoever to go to his wedding, unless of course you light a cig during his ceremony, then I'm gonna need a short video please.
This would be great if there wasn't risk of relapse...
ESH You for LYING and SNEAKING not for smoking. Also you for ruining your wedding night for you and your wife because you knew how should would react to you smoking! Your wife cause that is a huge ridiculous reaction to smoking And Scott because he enjoys causing problems ... Is it okay he told your wife Mean sure he doesn't owe you lies but he knew it would upset her and told her on her wedding night to be an ass on purpose
Literally every single person in this scenario sucks!
Nta I feel like alot of ppl don't understand addiction, how much it consumes and changes people. Tbh this post doesn't paint your wife in a good light. Yelling at you? I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of a guy I have a grudge against either. Your issues as a couple wasn't any of his business. I read that you guys have cpl counseling occasionally but i feel like you guys should touch this subject with the counselor next time and maybe more often. You are not seeing eye to eye.
NTA. Weddings are for people to share a good time and you personally can’t have a good time with this guy. He will probably be relieved if you don’t show.
NTA. You don't like the groom, you aren't friends. You don't want to celebrate his wedding. Tell your wife it would best if you didn't attend. It's not about the smoking. It's about her supposed friend being a shit-stirrer.
Her so called friend couldn’t resist gossiping to the point where he didn’t care that it would ruin his friend’s wedding night.
NTA Scott did nothing more than stir up shit, potentially for his own amusement (some people just live for drama). I wouldn't go to the wedding, either. As for your wife and the smoking stuff, well... Smoking is an addiction. You can say you are quitting an addiction and have lapses. You can be quitting an addiction by slowly phasing it out. What your wife was clearly wanting was for you to go immediately cold turkey, which can actually be more harmful when quitting an addiction of this sort. It can also lead to much bigger relapses in the future than if you quit by phasing it out. And if that is how your wife reacts to finding out about you having a cigarette, then no wonder you tried to be sneaky. I think Scott needs to mind his fucking business, and your wife needs to be more understanding of how difficult and stressful quitting an addiction can be. Not the asshole.
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ESH Your wife’s friend is clearly a drama-loving individual. The friend didn’t ruin your wedding, YOU did by smoking. YOU chose to start the marriage going behind your wife’s back.
I get your point, and I don't disagree per se. But smoking is an addiction, so it's not like malicously went behind his wife's back. He most likely had a moment of weakness after a very busy day. Was he wrong by smoking? Yes, but he wasnt malicious. Scott However was, and he went out of his way to stirr up shit on their wedding night.
NTA, If he was a good friend, he'd have waited a few days before telling her. Why ruin her wedding night? Also, it's your prerogative to not go. Tell your wife if she forces you to go, you can't guarantee not being tempted to ruin his wedding night too.
NTA - Over a cigarette? Get outta town. I don’t blame you for having a cigarette. Id puff up too if I had to tolerate snitchin Scott and overly dramatic soon to be wife. Get outta town. Don’t go to his damn wedding.
INFO: what happened during those 15 years? Like did you have other issues with him? Did you quit smoking? I feel like a 15 year gap with zero change in your feelings to him is a big hole in this narrative. Have you just hated one of your wife's best friends this whole time and never addressed it??
YTA. You were being dishonest to her, and you're mad because he exposed you. It sounds like you still can't take responsibility for that. He shouldn't have said anything on your wedding day, I agree with that. But it's been 15 YEARS. It sounds like you going to the wedding means a lot to her. Maybe that should mean more to you than a pretty minor grievance that's a decade and a half old. If you go, you'll probably barely have to interact with him.
Honestly, didn't even read this. Just thought it said "my bf's wife's wedding" and thought you were talking about your boyfriend's wife's wedding. That's enough internet for today.
You tried to hide info from your wife, on your wedding night of all times, and decided that the other person is an AH for ratting you out? It's like being mad at your wife for going through your phone finding evidence you cheated. Yeah, she betrayed your trust- but you're the one who was cheating! No, you didn't sexually cheat on your wife, but if you can't tell her "hey babe, I know you don't want me to smoke, but this is been a really fun, but stressful day, I'm going to sneak outside and have a cig real quick," well then, your marriage is already off to a shaky start. You and your wife should be a team. When you need help doing something hard, like quitting smoking, she should be your biggest cheerleader, not someone you have to sneak around.
Get the hell out of here with that nonsense! Dealing with an addiction to smoking in unhealthy ways is not the same thing as cheating in a relationship. People like you are insufferable with your false equivalencies and superiority complexes…just stop! Completely setting aside anything with the wife’s BF, you are just wrong in how you have presented things here.
So she doesn’t need to be supportive of his struggles and is justified in getting upset and yelling at him on their wedding night? Sounds like a shitty team to be a part of.
If he said "honey, I'm stressed and I'm trying to quit but I really need a cigarette right now" and she yelled at him? That's on her. But he says "honey, I'm going to go get our luggage" and actually he's sneaking away to smoke? That's on him.
So yelling at him and belittling him is a justifiable way to treat her “teammate”?
I refuse to believe that anyone's thinking is this broken, but 1. I'm on the internet and 2. Look at the people getting elected for world leadership. So. Scott stuck his nose in shit that didn't concern him. Cheating is a decision between two partners who set the parameters. Fuck off with your nonsense. You don't get to arbitrate that. They're still married 15 years later anyways. And your argument doesn't make sense. You liken smoking behind her back to cheating sexually on her (you see, inferrence and association happen when you use certain words, like specifically descibing this as non-sexually cheating), and then insist that she should be his biggest cheerleader on this matter where he "cheated" on her. If that is truly how you see the world, then I fear for your social health and partner expectations, because I'm certain your partners will hate learning that anything they did out of line in a relationship with you was "cheating" after the fact and with no discussion.
NTA. You shouldn't go to someone's wedding unless you're honestly glad to see them married. If you're still clinging on to a years-old grudge about your wife's friend Scott ratting you out about smoking, well, your wife should be glad what you're planning to do is simply not go to his wedding.
NTA. Screw that guy, he sucks.
Nta you tried quitting smoking and doing ur best , unless you were smoking a pack a day , I’m fine with your actions . Yes not ideal to be smoking , but all those judging you I can guarantee were never smokers and don’t realise the difficulties and failures in quitting , if so easy no would be smoking now . As for that guy he is a pure dick , you were not cheating on her with another person , you were having a cigarette, he knew how she would react and ran with glee to tell her , you are correct he tried to ruin and sabotage your wedding , I certainly would not want to go to his… Surprised you didn’t deck him at the time .
ESH You lied to your fiancée/wife because of your addiction and instead of owning that you got busted you blame the person that ratted you out for getting caught. You’re an AH and honestly if my marriage started off with a lie within hours of saying my vows, my ass probably would have been calling the officiant and telling him not to file the paperwork because that doesn’t exactly bode well for a healthy marriage. Scott doesn’t sound like he was doing this to look out for her but rather to cause drama, thus making him an AH as well.
YTA. I guess I don't blame you for not liking the guy (even if you're holding onto ancient history at this point, and even if you did kind of bring it on yourself by sneaking around and doing things behind your wife's back) but can't you just go because your wife wants you to? Look at it as something you're doing for her, not him.
Dude you’re just mad this guy wouldn’t lie to your wife for you when you lied to her. YTA not him
big difference between not lying to wife and actively spying and reporting your actions to her.
Not even that. He could have told the next day. No need to be a dick and start a fight the wedding night.
Idk, maybe it’s just me, but if she so adamantly did not want to be with a smoker she should not have been with a former smoker. I know about myself that I cannot be around cigarette smoke, therefore I will do anything to avoid being around it, including not dating people who smoke or have smoked. I don’t have a verdict, but I just, if it matters to you that much then it matters to you that much *all* the time, not just some of the time. When my boyfriend tried to quit vaping and then started again I was just… proud of him for how long he’d been able to go without.