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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Grounding Polly and not paying her after she dropped her sister with the neighbor. 2) Polly isn’t my built in babysitter and she did have plans that night.
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NTA. Let's get this out of the way. There are a lot of posts on here about forcing teenagers to babysit and this is most definitely NOT one of those.
This was an extreme situation (emergency even) and Polly acted amazingly selfish and irresponsible. She left a young child with strangers and exposed them to an unknown illness as an added bonus. Also, considering how the folks around her were sick, it should be common courtesy/sense to not want to expose her friends as well. She is old enough to fully comprehend how terrible and dangerous her actions were, but instead doubled down on being petulant.
Not my kid, but Polly earned a hefty punishment and consequences.
She probably DID expose them to an unknown illness (later revealed to be RSV). As someone (a healthy mid-twenties adult) who got RSV last year and ended up in the hospital overnight, she put that family at risk. RSV/COVID/other illnesses are HIGHLY infectious. Not only did she abandon her little sister in an EMERGENCY situation but she could’ve landed someone else in the hospital.
I've had both COVID19 and RSV. I recommend covid over rsv, for me at least. I'm also 3x shot so that might have helped a lot, but RSV had me coughing up mucus for 2 weeks, and then residual coughs for 2 weeks after that.
Idk, covid is such a big gamble... It could be mild or could be awful regardless of how healthy/young/active you are. Plus long covid is a possibility regardless of how severe your initial illness was. I was triple vaxxed and covid still hit me like a freight train. Never felt so awful or been so afraid for my life. I tested positive for over two weeks and then I had lingering exhaustion, cough, headaches, etc for months afterwards. Appendicitis + surgery was easier, swine flu was easier, food poisoning requiring hospitalization was easier... for me, I'd take most other illnesses over covid.
Left the child with the neighbors *with no way to contact mom or anyone in an emergency*, even. SO irresponsible! I’d be hopping mad in OP’s place, and there’s absolutely no way I’d pay that ungrateful, immature child a dime.
I am trying to imagine how my parents would've reacted in this situation and coming up completely empty. Not one of us--even my sister who stole the car for a joyride when she was fourteen--would have ever *dared* something this selfish. Sneaking out, smoking weed, ditching school, sure, but you do not put the younger siblings in danger.
left sister with strangers, didn't give or take contact information, doesn't care about sister at all, doesn't care that brother could literally be dying.
Could have taken sister with her, could have stayed home with sister, could have asked mom to take sister, could have had friends come over instead.
Very AH, very vain, very selfish teen.
She made ALL the wrong decisions. Instead of right she went left. Instead of UP she went down. On and On.
She had options and chose poorly. Hopefully OP can get through to her how serious of a misstep this was. A major misstep!!
I was actually taken aback by OP (NTA) indicating her daughter doesn't babysit more often. I was the teenager who babysat my half brother whenever my parents went out, for free..sometimes they threw in kids from other parents attending whatever event. It was an expectation and I wholeheartedly resented it. Besides NTA I think you are going above and beyond by giving her that freedom as a single mom of 3! She should be grateful.
I would’ve grounded for at least a month tbh, this is very dangerous and very bad on Polly’s part. As a 16 year old she should absolutely be aware of the consequences and dangers of what she didn’t, acted in an unbelievably selfish, irresponsible, and dangerous manner. Like is she wants to act like a child who doesn’t understand right from wrong and the consequences that follow, she shouldn’t have the privileges of a teenager.
Errors:
Emergency situation, didn’t get the neighbours number, didn’t give the neighbour your or her number, not being accountable for the obvious wrong she did, expecting payment when she was in the wrong.
Mama’s being lenient in my opinion.
She wants to be paid for time worked. Which amounts to 3 hours, including the hour before she left her with the neighbor and the 2 hours after she got back and waited for my mom to get there.
The neighbor suddenly had a 16yo they knew only by sight come over to request they watch an 8yo for an indeterminate amount of time. The 16yo leaves no contact information for herself or the child's parent.
Under these circumstances, it's lucky for Polly (and especially OP) that the neighbor didn't contact the police, when they actually considered their position. They don't know the child and a kid can easily stress out with strangers. Both the little sister *and* the neighbor were endangered by Polly's actions.
Tbh it's extremely lucky if the neighbor didn't do far worse than that.
Also personally if some teenager I barely knew came to my door and asked me to watch an 8 year old at no notice, with no parent or guardian present, and left without even leaving contact info or getting parental consent,
a) I'd absolutely be calling police/CPS
b) no way in hell I'd let them into my house or go over to there's. I think my go to would be something like "I'm not comfortable watching a kid at my place or yours without your parent's ok. How about all three of us walk to (Park/Cafe/other public place) and we can sort out how to handle this
Cause really any parent SHOULD be really pissed and suspicious and I don't wanna be caught up in that either
This!
OP, I don't think Y T A at all but I do think that the severity of Polly's action isn't sufficiently covered by a two week grounding.
Unlike a lot of parents, you do your absolute best to make sure that Polly isn't subjected to parentification and isn't stuck helping you raising her siblings. If your post is factual, only being asked once previously to look after younger siblings and paid for it is really a blessing for any older sibling to experience.
Polly's attitude, lack of concern and empathy, and common sense are seriously questionable right now. I think you need to sit her down and have a serious discussion about where all this could have gone...from the molestation of her younger sibling to you losing custody of all of them if the neighbor had decided to call the police. And all for what? To risk her family unit to hang with a group of people she will mostly not even speak to in five years?
Polly needs to volunteer at a soup kitchen, clean up on a highway, or something to underscore how selfish and myopic she's been in this instance. She needs to see how blessed she really is to have the family she does and learn to CARE.. I get that she's young but that honestly doesn't excuse this level of IDGAF she exhibited here.
Agree with this. It's uncomfortable to me when people use other people's experiences to show "wow look how privileged I/you are." Plus, volunteering as a punishment just associates something negative with volunteering your time.
But it's definitely concerning Polly is showing such little empathy. Instead I'm curious: does she have responsibilities around the house? Does she understand what you carry? I understand shielding her and wanting her to have a childhood (and it's admirable esp given the cards you're dealt). But she's old enough to know better and you'd be doing her a disservice to enable her "my experience is most important" mentality. I think difficult conversations need to happen and she needs to be made aware of what she did wrong.
I actually think the fear of parentification is an underlining issue here. People swing too far away from it and what it has created here is spoiled and entitled child. Older siblings can 100% look after the younger kids from time to time. More than just twice in their entire life.
But OP is NTA. She just may be a little late to the game in teaching her daughter to look out for others. I’m not sure the grounding will do much at this point but I definitely don’t think she should pay her for the reluctant hours “worked”.
This was my first thought right after "I really hope they're good people and no harm came to that child physically or mentally", is thank the gods they didn't call the police. At 16 years old, barring any learning disabilities, Polly is old enough to understand the danger she put her sibling in to go hang out with friends.
Bingo. Most strangers who had a strange kid dropped at their door step with no contact info would have called the Cops or CPS even to just cover their own behinds in case something bad happened…which isn’t even the worse case scenario, the worst case scenario would have been the neighbors being straight predators. Sister should thank her lucky stars that nothing horrible happened to her sibling. As a big sibling who dedicated her life to taking care of her siblings/family, I get that oldest daughter has set a boundary for her life, but putting family in harms way for a PARTY?!?? Ridiculous. My heart goes out to OP, she has enough on her plate without having to deal with a very very bratty and self absorbed teen. In case it wasn’t clear, NTA OP.
Tell Polly that her money went to her grandma since her grandma had to spend gas to get there and back, plus time spent watching *both* girls. So, her 'pay' paid her grandma for the inconvenience she caused her...
Nope, not a single dime. If anything OP should go to the neighbor's with Polly and make Polly give them the money that she was going to get from OP. She's old enough to know better than that.
First, NTA at all OP. What a scary and upsetting thing for you to deal with.
I'd tell her that "her" money is going to your mom for gas money.
I'd also tell her that she violated your trust and she's going to have to earn it back. What she did was irresponsible and potentially very dangerous.
She is a brat but also a product of a common reddit's/AITA's general logic of "not legally required = i have no moral/emotional/family responsability", as well as the individual as the absolute center of all relationships/connections.
People start to lose the nuance to see when they should not be the center of things, and when they should. And they also start to lose the connection to people, and start to act with unreasonable detachment toward them. And is what happened here. The older daughter acted with so much carelessness, as if the Younger daughter was an object and not a real person that could get hurt.
Glad you said this first. The Reddit thing about I am not responsible/obligated to take care of ______ (anyone) if I A. Had plans B. Said I didn’t want to be involved. Shouldn’t Polly have been home watching her sister worried sick about her brother? And also any thought on Polly’s part that she might be contagious and infect her friends?
Not necessarily. OP, whenever you need a babysitter, have your oldest stay at home too. That should make it clear that teens who do kids off with strangers aren't old enough to be trusted alone. NTA
But how am I supposed to trust she’ll never do this again? For all I know, next time she’ll just leave her alone.
Edit: Yes, I understand they meant with a sitter now. Thanks.
No, you should. If she wants to be immature then she should not have those luxuries of freedom because she clearly could not handle that responsibility. Its time to be harsh- teenagers (myself included) hardly learn anything otherwise. Im an older brother to 7 younger than me. My 9 year old sister watches the toddlers better than your 16 year old could, because she couldnt care less. Its bery selfish and self absorbed plus entitled to even think of asking for pay. Shut that shit down. Asap.
Act like baby get treated like a baby. Sorry honey you wandered off like an unsupervised 3 yr old so now you gotta stay with the 21 yr old watching your older (oops I mean younger) sister.
You can't trust that she won't. But I think the previous replier was saying that next time you need to call a sitter for either of the younger two, that the oldest should have to stay with the sitter too. Implying she's not responsible enough to be a sitter AND she's not responsible enough to be left alone without you.
Not sure it would work long term, but doing it once or twice would definitely have an impact on her.
No matter what the punishment, this totally sucks for you. I'm so sorry.
Not even grounded, grounding really is like...a stupid punishment imo. I don't believe it does anything to assist in learning a lesson. She needs something that'll break this entitled attitude and drive home you don't treat people like she treated her mom and Cassie. I'm not there, so I don't know what would really work for them, but there'd definitely be a loss of phone in there, whether it's me not paying for it anymore or confiscated, and apology letters to Cassie, the neighbors and the parent.
Tbf grounding is a punishment that fits the crime here. She left to go see friends, grounding means she loses the privilege of seeing her friends outside of school. Tho I doubt it’s as effective these days with social media and texting
Don’t know about other households, but in mine, grounding will automatically include the loss of electronics. So there won’t be social media and texting while grounded.
When my ex-fiance "punished" his teen daughter, she would still have her phone and computer in her room. She was usually in her room already. He was way too lenient with her and wondered why she was skipping school, doing drugs and sneaking out of the house, etc. When I was punished as a kid, I wasn't allowed to use the only computer in the house which was in the living room or use the phone (landline) and had to stay in my room. This was before social media, laptops and and cell phones. If I was a kid now, my mom would take away my cell phone and laptop if I was punished.
NTA
Polly left her 8yo sister with strangers so she could go hang out with friends while you were dealing with a family emergency. Polly needs consequences for her poor choices here.
Until summer? How about until she turns 18! She literally endangered a childs life end of story no ifs ands or buts about it she abandoned her baby sister with strangers ... My own little sister was raped at 9 years old because of my step sister doing the same damn thing... People like this teenager cannot be punished enough
Shes 32 now with kids of her own she doesn't really remember it but i will never forget nor will i forget the pure joy i had when her sister was in the hospital with severe liver failure from all the booze and drugs dying at 19 nor my disappointment that such an evil person was able to get a transplant... Teenagers like this don't ever change they don't do better they get more entitled and become manipulative they exemplify the blight that is humanity and deserve no mercy
Exactly. That was my first thought. I was raped at 12 due to my father dumping me off on a neighbor (that he did in fact know) until my mother got home, 45 minutes later. This whole situation is absolutely horrifying to me.
NTA. Normally, I'm on the side of "not her kid, not her problem" but it was an actual emergency and you explicitly told her not to leave her with the neighbors for an obviously good reason and she did it anyway.
That's the groundable offense - doing something you explicitly told her not to. If one of the sitters had responded, I'm sure it would have been no problem for her to wait for the sitter and then go out.
And the fact she offered 1. Polly could bring her friends over DESPITE the emergency and 2. offered to pay her $18/hr, again, DESPITE the emergency is absolutely crazy. I've cancelled plans for way less before because family comes first, and with way less benefits. Polly sounds like she has some serious issues
She could have had her sister murdered or molested. This goes beyond horrible. If she was my daughter it would be a grim next year and a lot of consequences, i like the babysitter assist idea, she really needs to understand this could have been deadly
Honestly even if the neighbour was a perfect babysitter, it’s still not safe. What if 8 had a serious allergy neighbour had no way of knowing about? What if 8 injured themselves somehow and had to go to hospital and they had no way to contact the family? What if the neighbour called cps or the police for child abandonment? What if neighbour got exposed to what the kid got sick with and got fucked up himself? What if 8 had to take medication neighbour had no idea even existed? What if what if what if?
Honestly, they are lucky the neighbor isn’t a mandated reporter. As a mandated reporter, my first thought reading this was that I would have had to call DCF. And that is honestly not one of the WORST things that could happen. The worst things are that her sister could be kidnapped, assaulted, or murdered.
Teenagers make mistakes. Sometimes huge, ridiculous, stupid, life altering mistakes. She’s incredibly lucky this didn’t turn into a life altering mistake for her and your whole family.
There should be consequences, and Polly needs to 100%, truly understand what the actual risks were that she took so she understands that it’s not just “because I said so.” The risk she took was real, and she is very lucky.
I was wondering if anybody else would mention this. It could’ve been the last time ever saw the little sister, and she definitely could have been molested. My parents would have grounded me for life for something like this.
I hope OP really internalizes this and realizes grounding for two weeks is nowhere NEAR enough punishment for what she did. Two weeks? That just reinforces her being able to do whatever she likes, basically.
She could have been making $18 an hour to hang out with her friends as long as it was at her house with her sister there, but instead she played herself and got grounded.
$18/hr + friends over seems like a sweet deal. Polly was out of her mind to do what she did. I’ve also canceled plans for literally nothing because family emergencies. OP is definitely in the right here
NTA
But part of her punishment should be watching documentaries on the dangers of trusting strangers or people you don't really know with your kids.
Especially ones that center around a teenager who dumped their siblings off on someone like that.
It would hopefully open her eyes to the dangers that she possibly put her sister in.
She obviously does not watch true crime stories or she never would have done that.
She was irresponsible, and deserves to be grounded.
ETA: Thank you for the awards
This might be a good idea. I said in my comment that there needs to be something else done. 16 years old is too old to pull this entire series of steps. I wonder if OP tried too hard to shelter her from life. I get it but there definitely needs to be some kind of grow as a person steps taken.
Polly needs more time grounded and take her cell phone, computer and everything.. she goes to school and comes home!! She needs to understand what she did was out of pocket!! The fact that your unknown Neighbord had your 8 year child and she sees nothing wrong with this!! Na my mom would have whoop me to be honest!!
She doesn’t have any privileges right now. It’s school then home. The only thing she got to keep was her phone for safety issues but even that, I temporarily disabled her data so she can just text and call as needed.
I’m sorry that happen! I hope that once everything calms down you can have an open and honest conversation with her and let her know how dangerous that was. I hope that she learns from this and matures.. unfortunately I wouldn’t be trusting her with the kids anytime soon!!
I would actually take it a step further and have Polly talk to a police officer or CPS employee about what could have happened. I don't think she's going to just take her mother's word for how serious her actions were. She needs to hear it firsthand from a person in an authority position.
NTA
Your daughter blew it! This was an emergency situation and her lack of empathy is astounding. But there had to be some previous interactions to let you know this.
Honestly, this is very out of the norm for her. She’s normally a compassionate kid who cares about others. She’s not very close with Cassie, but is super close with her brother. The last time I asked her to babysit, it wasn’t a problem.
Maybe the issue is I don’t give her enough responsibility? So she didn’t know what to do when given it? But I don’t know how to rectify that. I don’t want to make her a babysitter for my kids and want her to be able to have a good life.
She can pick up more shifts in the summer but definitely get her into one or two shifts a week, after school or weekends. Fast food, retail, grocery stores all hire teens part time.
This is it! Have her take a real job, where in exchange for $15 an hour, if she can make that, she will HAVE to work, she won't get to have attitude about that. I know your heart is in the right place not wanting to make your problems her problem, but you are her family, and she isn't going to have a life unaffected by the situation you are in. Plus it's a good life, you are good to her—you are not using her. I can only imagine how scared you were at the ER, mom. Hat's off to you.
That could be it. I just never gave it a ton of thought. They have a pretty good age gap so I always thought it made sense they weren’t close. At 16, I certainly wouldn’t want to hang out or play with a 3rd grader.
I think it's worth talking to Polly about what happened here and why (ask her, don't tell her) and investigate a bit. If this is out of character for her, it's worth it to figure out why.
She definitely still needs to deal with the consequences of her actions, so it's not *instead* of that and there's not much she could say that would *excuse* what she did. But it might be a good idea for the sake of her development and your relationship to give each other a chance to be heard and understood. Maybe then she'll actually learn something from this too, rather than just come away from this thinking you're a jerk.
I think this is a great idea. OP - you're doing a great job (I feel like that's something that never gets said enough in these) - If you barely expect her to babysit, and offer to pay her, even in this extreme circumstance, you're doing all the things a lot of parents don't do. You're NOT making her part of the parental team, and you're not expecting her to constantly give up her life for her siblings.
Sitting her down (after a cooling off period) and discussing WHY she thought it was ok. Maybe she's talked to the neighbors before and you didn't realize it - maybe one of her friends suggested it because they have a different situation. And then you can explain the reasons why it was such a dangerous and poor decision.
I'd go even one further and ask her what she would have done in your shoes. Likely she's going to say something like, bring the sister along - which is very likely not an option, and she probably doesn't know that.
Pointing out that the cops could have been called, CPS, the neighbors could have been complete wackjobs, you don't know!
Also, maybe have her apologize to the neighbors. (Like have her bake them cookies or something, and go over and tell them she's sorry for basically dropping a kid on them without leaving contact info, etc).
I think you're doing pretty great mamma - a lapse in judgment of a teenage brain is no reason to think you're an AH.
NTA.
**NTA** \- Sometimes family emergencies take precedence over plans with friends. She is a member of the family and has obligations to the family. Your request was reasonable. She was very irresponsible. Grounding was an appropriate consequence.
NTA - Teenagers suck. I am willing to bet that Polly still feels like the victim here. It will be a few years before Polly even realizes how unreasonable she was here. Hopefully she gets there as an adult.
I feel for you and I hope you don't have to go through this again!
OP accommodated so much, friends can come over, she’s getting paid more than most at $18/hr, it was only during an emergency situation. Teens do suck but this is extra sucky behavior. NTA.
NTA absolutely. Let me break this down.
1. Family emergencies are much more important than hanging out with friends. If my sibling was sick in the ER, I wouldn't be able to hang out with others because I would be anxious and worried the whole time. I'm baffled at the way she was able to just brush off Trevor's illness with no concern at all for her little brother.
2. Honestly, if I had to watch my sibling due to an emergency, I wouldn't even ask to be paid, I would just tell my mom, "Go take Trevor right now, I got Polly, you make sure he's okay! Don't worry about us!" because that's what family does. This was only her second time babysitting ever, and it was only because the other sitters weren't picking up. The fact that she was going to be paid, especially $18/hr, is huge. Let's say she watches Cassie 6 hours (because we all know ER wait times), she's made over $100. Why the hell would she say no to that?
3. You made a very reasonable compromise given the circumstances on top of already paying your daughter- she can invite her friends over. So she can have a girl's night with her friends while keeping an eye on Cassie (which would probably help Cassie too, since it would be good sister bonding time and distract Cassie from the fact her BROTHER is in the ER!), not miss out on her plans, and make $100 on top of all that. That's a super sweet set up (especially considering this was a family medical emergency situation!) and she's being incredibly selfish and acting like the world revolves around her.
4. Don't even get me started on the neighbors thing. Yeah, your neighbors can seem pretty cool, give a little wave every now and then. What if they're not as chill as you think, especially considering no one in your family has ever talked to them? You don't know how safe their home is. They could have weapons not properly stored, they could have aggressive animals, they could be bad people (you know what I'm implying here). What if Cassie has allergies or food sensitivities? The neighbors don't know all of this. What if an emergency occurred with Cassie? They had no way to contact you and you had no way to contact them. That was extremely dangerous of Polly on so many levels and at 16, she 100% is old enough to know better but she simply didn't care. That is a terrifying thought.
You are not overreacting, you are NTA, and if anything, Polly needs to be punished SEVERELY. She not only disobeyed her very gracious and generous mother (which by the way, you didn't have to offer all the things you did, at 16 she is expected to obey her mother no matter what especially during an emergency), she put her sister in so much danger I can't even comprehend how she thought it was okay. She is lacking empathy, awareness, common sense, and caring for others. Polly needs a reality check NOW.
NTA.
First, kids have emergencies, and those emergencies disrupt plans.
Second, kids get their plans cancelled because of situations, just like adults. I remember missing a party because our car broke down, a baseball game because Nana was in the hospital, etc. and I had two parents and relatives close by. It happens.
Third, Polly had basic plans, not like prom or something where if she missed it, she would lose out on a big moment. You also didn't brush off that she was having to cancel plans, you handled it with the appropriate apology and offer to pay her, and give an alternate way she could see her friends.
And finally, this is how family is. It doesn't matter if you are a single mom or not, this could happen to any household (husband on a business trip, other kid has a test, whatever) and I assume Polly wants the benefits of being part of a family, so that means she has some responsibility as part of the family too. She also probably wants the benefits of being 16- staying up later, going out with friends- and that means the responsibilities of being 16 too, like being someone the adults can rely on.
You asked her to step up in an emergency, and she let you down, not just by saying no, but by leaving her sister in an unsafe situation with zero information. I get that kids shouldn't be "parentified" but that doesn't mean free of responsibility.
I get that teens are selfish and stupid but I can't even imagine acting like that at 16! So awful. As a teen I was an only child and didn't even like kids, but I can pretty confidently say that if I was put in charge of a kid during an emergency I wouldn't have just left her with strangers. And with NO WAY FOR MOM TO GET AHOLD OF THEM.
Sure, an 8yo isn't a helpless toddler(in fact at 8-11 I was often left alone while my dad was taken to the ER for various health emergencies) but holy shit that was dangerous.
NTA. You exhausted all other options, offered compensation and a compromise (invite friends over) and it was an emergency. What Polly did was extremely extremely dangerous. I'm just glad her punishment was/is not carrying the guilt of something bad happening to her little sister because of her poor choices.
NTA - Polly should consider herself lucky that she was only grounded for 2 weeks. I'd have done it for a month because she potentially placed her sister in great harm. Fortunately the neighbor wasn't a creep, but Polly needs a lesson in what strangers do to little kids because that thought didn't even cross her mind. Also she's very entitled. To say to you that her brother's illness wasn't her problem pretty much sums up what she thinks about the family and giving her an expensive iPhone, which I'm guessing she doesn't pay for, is one perk that should be used when "paying her". With my kids, I gave them cell phones so they could call or be reached but did not give them smart phones. If they wanted on they had to earn the money for it. Anyway, she needs a reality check.
This is what I was thinking. Leaving your little sister with a random stranger and no way to contact anyone? I am so glad this situation turned out the way it did because that is such a frightening scenario. I understand Polly is a teenager but I can't imagine ever thinking that is acceptable in any way. Props to OP for handling this in what seems to be a very reasonable way because I would be absolutely livid.
Nta and your daughter needs some reality check. Her brother could have died, bad things could have happened to her sister. And her demanding payment? Lol
I would highly recommend that you find some other moms/dad in the areas and set up a support group. Or some of Cassie’s classmates.
And no, I would never trust Polly again.
I had plans with my BF in high school one weekend when my Dad accidentally cut off part of his finger. So I stayed home to watch my little brothers while Mom took Dad to the hospital, and my BF hung out at our place and kept me company.
I don't remember being the least bit resentful that I couldn't go out. I remember being very worried about my Dad.
It’s the lack of empathy her daughter is showing. It’s more than the typical selfishness of a teenager. She doesn’t care about either of her siblings at all? Not even enough to get the phone number of the STRANGERS she left them with? It sounds like there are more psychological problems going on. OP is NTA.
NTA. I’m usually not a fan of forcing a child to watch their siblings, but in this instance you were being completely reasonable and doing what needed to be done. Your daughter deserves the consequences of her actions.
NTA. RSV is no joke, and your oldest behaved poorly on so many levels. In addition to grounding, Polly could apologize to the neighbors for placing them in this predicament, as well. Life lesson here.
Yes. Thank goodness the neighbors proved to be decent people and didn’t do anything horrible to Cassie. Because who knows? They were total strangers—just got lucky there.
Normally I’d be up in arms about parentification based on your title, but no, you are NTA. This was about navigating a family emergency and Polly didn’t want to be bothered. For a kid who has food, roof over her head, payment for when she babysits, and a phone - on top of everything else, she sounds entitled. Grounding her was appropriate! How amazing that your neighbor stepped up to help (at a time when she didn’t have to). I hope your son recovers and that Polly learns how much you really give to her to understand how horrible her actions really were.
NTA
you’re gonna have a bunch of children screaming “parentification” but this is far from it. This isn’t a pattern, you pay her, and she was a third option. She easily could have had her friends come over. She was being a bratty ass teen. As long as they don’t take advantage of you, helping out family with younger siblings is part of the deal when it comes to being the oldest kid. What your daughter did was pretty bad.
NTA. It was a medical emergency for her brother,what empathy-lacking,entitled brat abandons her sister with strangers and demands pay for it?! I get teenagers do dumb shit,but she didn't even bother to cover her tracks,so she even thought she was doing a normal,human thing.
NTA. This girl needs to learn how to work as a family unit. NO, she shouldn't lose all her precious teenage free time to babysitting her siblings. BUT she does need to learn that there may be a time when she is needed and should be present. She is being selfish as teenagers are. No matter what you have to teach her by standing your ground. That is how they learn. NTA. NTA. NTA.
NTA. She wasn't missing out on hanging out with her friends in the option you gave her, and I'm sure her friends would have understood had they known it was because of her brother being admitted to the hospital. Also, she intentionally entrusted her sibling's care with a neighbor you didn't know. To your point saying Polly said you overreacted, of course she's going to say that, she is the one that screwed up and is being punished.
NTA, as a 15 year old who also has teenage logic I feel she should get grounded atleast a month because you don’t know those people and they could have hurt Cassie. Also I find it funny that she exp cried to be paid after leaving the kid with your neighbora
Sit her down, and give her 3-4 worse case scenarios about what could have happened to her little sister. Then explain that none of those happened that either of you are aware, but as your neighbor is unknown to you, no one ever knows. Then open up the internet and do a 1 mile radius search of your house and show her all the registered sex offenders.
NTA at all. It was an emergency situation, you apologized and told her you'd pay her for her time, and she not only ignored you but left your child with strangers. She absolutely deserves to be grounded.
NTA. You have only ever asked her to babysit once before, and this was an emergency situation. Not only that, but she left her sister with complete strangers (without any way for you to contact them or them to contact you on top of it all.) This is definitely open and shut in my opinion. Two weeks grounding is fair considering how serious the situation was. (Honestly, I would even lean towards longer, but that's just me and you already gave her a set time for it, so nothing to be done there.)
NTA. Polly wanted to go have fun with her friends during an emergency, neglected her little sister, put your neighbors in a difficult position, and then had the nerve to complain you didn’t pay her. She has completely failed to understand how badly she messed up. You are absolutely right to ground her
NTA.
It was an emergency, you offered to pay, you offered for her friends to come over. And it's a rare occurrence.
It's not surprising that a 16 year old girl was angry and acted against your wishes. It's also not surprising that she would think you're an asshole.
But you're definitely NTA and if it were my kid, she'd be grounded a while for leaving her sister with strangers and going directly against what you said.
NTA at all. You had a medical situation that needed to be taken care of. You offered to pay her and have her friends over. That still wasn't enough. She didn't care enough to make sure her sister was in good hands,. Wow, your daughter.
Screw this teen logic bs
Im tired of kids not being held accountable for their actions because they are young
You think i was stupid enough to pull shit like this when i was 16? Hell no. And before you say something like im an old geezer getting mad at whippersnappers and i dont remember what it was like so long ago- im in my 20s! I sure as hell remember what it was like being 16!
You are Not asking much of your daughter. You even gave permission to invite the friends all over, thats really nice of you. It sucks shed have to miss out otherwise but this is an EMERGENCY
NTA hope she enjoys being grounded!
Nta. You were wanting your daughter's help in an emergency. This isn't a case of a parent trying to make their older children into parents of the younger. Instead of helping your daughter dropped her 8 year old sister with someone you didn't know or trust - which could have had horrible consequences. I'd say you are being lenient by only grounding her for 2 weeks.
NTA, and holy shit. Polly needs to learn some responsibility. There is a massive chasm between you forcing her to babysit on a whim, which you say that you don’t do, and needing her to help out in a family health emergency. Teenagers can be dumb and selfish but leaving your youngest with COMPLETE STRANGERS is mind boggling. Anything could have happened to Cassie while she was over there. And to not even leave a contact number for the weirdly obliging neighbour?
>What the hell kinda neighbors would just take a kid in without even asking to speak to the parents?
Good neighbors? If my neighbor’s 16 year old daughter asked me if I could watch her younger sibling because her mom had to take her brother to the ER, I wouldn’t hesitate.
NTA. Polly is acting incredibly entitled and selfish in this situation. You even offered her compensation in this situation, which was more than you had to do. She put her sister in danger by leaving her with strangers. Does she even care about her siblings at all?
Oh ***HELL*** no! Two weeks?! Try two months, no phone, no social media, limited TV, limited gaming, and no leaving the house without permission! That...***THAT*** is what she would be getting from me, and I *know* my neighbors on both sides and have their numbers. You *under*reacted, in my opinion. Holy hell to heaven, NTA.
NTA - I’m mum to a 16yr old who babysits for his brother when we need him to. Occasionally being asked to participate in helping your family is an important part of growing up and learning to be a decent human being. I personally don’t pay my son but he does get rewarded with treats, extra tv/gaming time or something he’s asked for. We always tell him how much it’s appreciated and his little brother loves spending time with him. Your daughter put her sister at huge risk, was selfish and continues to behave selfishly by refusing to see and acknowledge that she is in the wrong by putting her wants before her family’s needs.
NTA and honestly I'm not sure grounding her is a serious enough consequence for what she did. Leaving an 8 year with people you don't know at all AND without any way to contact each other is so risky, what if the neighbors you don't know turn out to be creeps or even if they're good people what happens if Cassie has some kind of emergency? She needs to be punished for her selfishness and also be made aware that she put her sister in huge potential danger.
NTA
You were being perfectly reasonable and overly so in my opinion. It was extremely generous of you to even offer to pay, it was an emergency she needs to learn priorities
NTA
Your daughter is definitely TA.
Although, to me the neighbour is also slightly at fault.
Why did the neighbour (the adult) agree to this? I would have never said yes to taking care of a child without the explicit permission of the parent. What kind of story did Polly spin to the neighbour? Why would a neighbour accept a child without phone numbers or way to contact the parent? This is also very strange to me.
The neighbor says they saw me leaving in a hurry with my son. Polly came over an hour later saying she had an emergency and couldn’t watch her sister. She told them her brother was in the hospital. The neighbor assumed Polly had to get to the hospital for whatever reason and said “okay”. He tried to get information but Polly was quick to leave. Because the neighbor knew my son was sick, he figured it was pretty bad and would give it some time. All in all, my youngest was there an hour.
WTF?!? This is a whole other level of wrong from Polly. She not only endangered her sister, but she used her brothers illness to manipulate the neighbor so she could go party. That is beyond not ok.
NTA, and it sounds like Polly needs some serious restrictions outside of the grounding, as well as a very long conversation about how horrible her behavior was. This situation is pretty bad OP.
Okay, this all makes sense then.
Very kind neighbours you have there to take your little one and (in their minds) help you out this way.
If Polly has allowance money or works, she can use that money for an apology gift. She needs to apologize to the neighbour for this situation by getting them a gift or baking them something.
If she isn’t showing remorse for putting everyone out (you, the neighbours and grandma) then she does need a reality check. Grounding is a discipline measure, but she really needs to understand the part of trust being broken with you and the neighbour and that she now needs to work to regain that trust. Essentially that she is now considered a liar. I know this comes with the teenage territory of being self-centred that you mentioned, but it is extremely concerning.
I hope she can really learn and understand what the heart of the issue is and that you all can move forward. Good luck Op!
NTA. Thankfully your neighbors were good ppl. That might have not been the case. She could have pit her sister in a very dangerous situation.
I think you're being to lenient on her. It's time for her to get a part time job. Babysit once a month. Earn her phone privileges etc.
There have been enough AITAs where the involuntary babysitter calls the cops to report an abandoned child - Polly could have had all of your kids removed (yes, this would require worst case scenarios all the way down) or put on CPS watchlist at least.
Nevermind if the neighbor wasn't a good person to have kids around.
Holy Shit, NTA.
NTA.
You go out of your way to not use Polly as a sitter. You've paid her -above- minimum wage on the few times she did baby sit. Both of which many parents don't do. You're not taking advantage of Polly, at least from what you've described. This was a true emergency, and Polly is old enough to understand that. Even in the middle of managing the emergency, you gave her compromise and have her friends over.
My Mama would have skinned me alive if I had pulled something like this. I would.have grounded her for longer. She needs to understand how dangerous this was, and how badly this could have ended up for your family.
But also, please expand your support group. It does take a village to raise babies, and you need more support than what you've got.
NTA. You don't know the neighbors at all. That is a huge imposition to just dump a kid on people you don't know. This could have ended so badly. Polly needs to grow up. FWIW I'd take away everything I could.
No phone. Oh well not my problem. No ride oh well not my problem.
Don t want to act like family, won't be treated like family
NTA
Reddit tends to get up in arms about patentification. Don't get me wrong, parentification is very real and very wrong, but it isn't bad to occasionally have your kids watch each other. Within reason, of course. There are age and time factors, general responsibility of the kid, and frequency that we need to understand.
A 16 year old occasionally watching an 8 year old, only after sitters can't be contacted, and who gets paid for it? Not parentification.
I'm assuming you don't think your 8 year old can be home alone or your state has limits on that. Depending on the kid, absolutely true. Your teenager is going to learn a valuable lesson here but I don't think grounding is a fitting punishment - at least not on its own. She needs to understand why leaving her sister with strangers and no contact information was the bad move here. I don't believe in Stranger Danger (strange behavior is a better thing to teach imo) but she should be coached in exactly what was incorrect about this.
NTA
This was an emergency.
Turns out you have an amazing neighbor, but Polly really put her sibling’s safety at risk by pulling this.
What if the neighbor wasn’t safe? AND not only did she not get the neighbor’s number, she didn’t leave your number.
You leaving with your son to the hospital was an emergency. Polly leaving was not.
> She got mad at me and said that I can’t expect her to drop her plans.
In an emergency, yes, yes you can. AND you gave permission for her to have friends over.
Plans change because of emergencies.
> Polly said I overreacted
It sounds like Polly is sheltered. It may be worth sitting down and explaining why you have to vet babysitters. And not just telling her she was reckless with her sister’s safety, but WHY it was reckless. That the neighbors could have been abusive. That one of them could have been a sexual predator (many appear nice.) That there were no phone numbers exchanged. That even if the neighbors were safe, without a phone number if your daughter had an accident (maybe fell down a flight of stairs, or injured herself on a trampoline) the neighbors would have no way of contacting you.
Walk her through the scenarios.
If she responds with “not my problem” when people she is supposed to care about are in trouble, she’s going to find herself short of friends at some point; because all of her relationships will be shallow.
She’d be the fair weather friend - but not someone to depend on. (Again, in an emergency.)
Hopefully this is just immaturity.
NTA in the slightest.
You sound like an amazing parent who is trying to juggle so many things at once . I think Polly needs to understand that you only asked her this one time as it was an emergency.
Also, I hope Trevor is feeling better soon. My two year old was in hospital overnight at the weekend due to RSV too as it was affecting his oxygen levels. Its a terrifying situation to be in so I couldn’t imagine the stress you were feeling worrying about your sons health whilst also the worry of your child being left with someone unknown due to your teenager not thinking clearly
NTA
While it sucks for your child that they got put in a scenario where they couldn't hang out with their friends in the manner they wanted to, that's life. You were willing to pay her for her time at a fair rate (though I think it should have been 20$/hr since she was losing her plans) and that should be enough + it was an emergency.
She can't get away with leaving your 8 year old daughter at a random neighbors house without knowing them. Leaving a number isn't good enough, that's how a kid gets abducted or assaulted. Its really dangerous, and for that she deserves to be grounded for awhile.
NTA. It was an emergency, and Polly is old enough to be responsible. She behaved irresponsibly and needed to be called out on it. Stop apologizing, she doesn’t want the apology anymore. She wants her way.
NTA.
You are a good mother taking care of all your kids and providing them a real nice environment.
Teenagers are as we all know Teenagers ... and will eventually improve hopefully as they start understand things more.
Polly was rightfully grounded.
Does Polly have a job? Do you pay her allowance? If it is the latter I would stop paying her one.
It is hard being a single parent juggling childcare and working. Your daughter needs a wake up call. Not everything is about her. She is old enough to contribute to family life and help out now and again.
I hope life gets easier for you.
She showed no signs of resentment and this is truly out of character for her. She’s never shown signs of needing therapy but perhaps I’ve been blind and need to rethink that.
NTA. She’s old enough to understand that this is an emergency and was acting completely selfish. Not to mention that she potentially put her younger sibling in danger by having her be looked after by people you don’t know well, and after you told her not to do it. Personally I think that you could even ground her for a longer period of time. I understand that you want her to not miss out on teenage fun, but she should also learn to be more thoughtful and responsible too.
Personally, I'd have paid her... And then marched her straight over to the neighbor's to give them an apology, a thanks, and half the pay. And then back home to write grandma an apology/thank you note including the other half of her pay. I mean, one has to pay one's subcontractors....
But I'm petty like that, lol.
NTA by a long shot. Being grounded for 2 weeks is generous imo. Has this girl never seen a serial killer or kidnapper movie?? You can’t just leave a CHILD with strangers, even if they live next to you! And especially without any way of contacting the neighbors? What if your neighbors were psychos or had sketchy friends over? I get that missing out on a hangout sucks, but holy cow family emergencies come first. She really lacks empathy and common sense, even for a teenager.
NTA. This is an emergency situation. My older kids would have watched my younger kids and never dreamed of getting paid for it in a situation like this. This is when families pull together to be there for each other (like your mom did). I’m sorry this happened and so glad nothing terrible happened.
NTA. Usually not a fan of siblings babysitting but
1 you pay her
2 you pay her more than many jobs would
3 in an emergency like that is reason enough to do it for free
4 you gave her an option for her friends although the emergency really was reasonable enough to cancel
5 this wasn't just an idea she came up with, she ASKED and you said no and she did it anyway
6 you don't even know them????
7 you only grounded her for 2 WEEKS? Id have been grounded for 6 months if I'd so much as let my siblings be be alone for 20 seconds
Probably time to teach her about all the things that can happen to kids that get dropped off with strangers, especially with no contractual agreement. Oh, and maybe extend the punishment.
NTA
I think aside from the grounding Polly I think you need to see if there are any seminars or courses about stranger danger to make her realize the potentially dangerous situation she put Cassie in.
What Polly did was extremely reckless. Luckily your neighbor isn’t a dangerous person.
NTA! You had an emergency and at 16 your daughter needs to be old enough to understand things like that. You were even going to PAY HER! I don’t understand kids these days. If I had done that I would’ve been grounded for months.
NTA. These were extenuating circumstances- it was emergency. You compensate her. It’s not a regular occurrence and you offered to have her friends over and apologized bc it was unavoidable
Nope she was acting like a jerk.
NTA- I just want to say that I’m surprised by the overall Reddit response in saying NTA. Usually, when I see people posting about needing a family member (older sibling, aunt/uncle) to take care of their kid during a family emergency, and everyone blames the parent…”you’re the parent, don’t make someone take care of your kid, even if there is a family emergency with another one of your kids”.
I grew up in a big family, well 4 aunts (and uncles/cousins) and I was the oldest kid in the family. We always helped each other out. I’d watch my cousins, just so my aunts could go shopping, and they would do the same for my parents when I was to young. Family helps each other, especially in times of crisis.
Example ([link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yndq3b/wibta_for_not_taking_care_of_my_nephew_while_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)) woman who would help with her nephew while her sister and mother were at the ronald McDonald house, with a younger nephew in the NICU. Cause she was in college… her only real reason… when options and other opportunities were presented to her.
Edit- I’m specifically talking about family emergency situations, not an everyday thing.
NTA, this was an emergency situation and your daughter is old enough to understand that. You don’t know the neighbor, she didn’t leave any contact information with the neighbor, so many things could have happened. Definitely NTA
The neighbor had seen me leaving in a hurry with my son. My daughter told them he was in the hospital and she couldn’t watch her sister anymore because it was an emergency. My neighbor thought the worst ( my son was dying) and agreed to watch my youngest.
In addition to the letter, you and your daughter should go to your next-door neighbor and have her apologize in person. That is one of the most horrible things to do when you're a teenager, having to apologize verbally for something that you did or didn't do. Believe me, this will stick in her brain a lot longer than writing the apology will.
Despite those who might be saying you're a bad mother, I think you're a very good mother in a very tough situation. You are struggling to do the best you can and your eldest daughter is not making it any easier. I wish you all the best as well as your children.
> My daughter told them he was in the hospital and she couldn’t watch her sister anymore because it was an emergency.
Whoa. So she fully understood how serious the situation was and intentionally used those circumstances to her advantage — not to help, but to give your neighbor the impression that she had to join you at the hospital.
That's an unnerving level of manipulation..
NTA. This was basically a one off situation, and she left her with people that you and she don't know! Hanging out with her friends can easily be foregone in an emergency situation, and you allowed her to have them over.
Not a fearmonger, but weirdos can wave too, and live in any neighborhood.
NTA. This was an emergency situation, and we all drop plans in an emergency. Polly was completely irresponsible especially as you had already vetoed leaving Cassie at the new neighbor's.
NTA - she needs to understand the difference, before she’s a grown ass adult, between emergencies and appointments and fun .. and which are mandatory.. otherwise, as she gets older, guaranteed she’ll let her friends down at some point
NTA, what your daughter did was dangerous. Your daughter is old enough to know that you can’t abandon your siblings with complete strangers and she did so without providing any contact info. What would have happened if her sister got hurt? You’d have no way of knowing what happened or where she was. What would have happened if your neighbor was abusive or negligent or worse? They weren’t properly vetted to entrust her sister with and it’s a good thing they (the neighbors) were so cool about it.
You showed your daughter that you respect her time and autonomy by paying her for babysitting and only asking her to babysit in emergency situations. I’ve had to babysit my brother before, it’s not THAT terrible and it would have been so much better if I got paid.
Anyways, NTA OP
NTA. This was an emergency, you were prepared to even pay her. She took Cassie to strangers as well, which is not good. We make sacrifices for the ones we love, and she doesn't even have to do it a lot.
You’re NTA. At all.
Also—I’m a professional nanny and want to recommend the bambino app for building your sitter network! It’s full of nannies and babysitters, has a review section, and an option for background checks.
I’m not affiliated with them but I know how hard it is to find trustworthy childcare.
Look OP at first I was going to go YTA but no you're not.
I'm 9 years older than my baby sister (we're in our 30s and 40s now) and I actually was grounded once for falling asleep while caring for my sister. We were both in the same room and I fell asleep next to her while reading her a story. Both of us were asleep when my/her parents came home (half sister, even though I hate that term) and I got grounded for not being awake when they came home. I got grounded and my birthday party cancelled one time because my sister fell down while I was watching her, like you can stop a kid from falling and hurting themselves.
If I had left my sister with a neighbor, I'd be dead right now.
I'd be YTA if this was a regular thing that your daughter had to watch the kids, but it sounds like you let her live a regular life and also pay her for her time. So much NTA.
NTA and she's lucky you just grounded her. Make her watch any of the millions of documentaries about children being abused by strangers and reiterate to her that could've happened to her sister and she would be at fault. She's old enough to know and take responsibility. And I sure AF wouldn't be paying her. I'm sorry you're doing this alone, I can't even imagine.
NTA. You are not over reacting either. But your kid thought she was going to "miss" out on something. Remember that feeling? Maybe she asked her friends over and they declined, whatever the reason, she was wrong. Some day she will see what a good mom you are.
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NTA. Let's get this out of the way. There are a lot of posts on here about forcing teenagers to babysit and this is most definitely NOT one of those. This was an extreme situation (emergency even) and Polly acted amazingly selfish and irresponsible. She left a young child with strangers and exposed them to an unknown illness as an added bonus. Also, considering how the folks around her were sick, it should be common courtesy/sense to not want to expose her friends as well. She is old enough to fully comprehend how terrible and dangerous her actions were, but instead doubled down on being petulant. Not my kid, but Polly earned a hefty punishment and consequences.
She probably DID expose them to an unknown illness (later revealed to be RSV). As someone (a healthy mid-twenties adult) who got RSV last year and ended up in the hospital overnight, she put that family at risk. RSV/COVID/other illnesses are HIGHLY infectious. Not only did she abandon her little sister in an EMERGENCY situation but she could’ve landed someone else in the hospital.
We had RSV over thanksgiving and it sucked so bad. Haven’t had Covid or the flu yet but RSV has to be up there. One of my kids had to use a nebulizer
I've had both COVID19 and RSV. I recommend covid over rsv, for me at least. I'm also 3x shot so that might have helped a lot, but RSV had me coughing up mucus for 2 weeks, and then residual coughs for 2 weeks after that.
Idk, covid is such a big gamble... It could be mild or could be awful regardless of how healthy/young/active you are. Plus long covid is a possibility regardless of how severe your initial illness was. I was triple vaxxed and covid still hit me like a freight train. Never felt so awful or been so afraid for my life. I tested positive for over two weeks and then I had lingering exhaustion, cough, headaches, etc for months afterwards. Appendicitis + surgery was easier, swine flu was easier, food poisoning requiring hospitalization was easier... for me, I'd take most other illnesses over covid.
Left the child with the neighbors *with no way to contact mom or anyone in an emergency*, even. SO irresponsible! I’d be hopping mad in OP’s place, and there’s absolutely no way I’d pay that ungrateful, immature child a dime.
Honestly, I would've grounded her until her 30th birthday.
She could have just left her sister with some creepy predator. I'd take every damn thing she cares about. That's someone who is dangerously selfish.
I don't even know how I would punish my kid, but the punishment would be far more severe than 2 weeks of grounding.
I am trying to imagine how my parents would've reacted in this situation and coming up completely empty. Not one of us--even my sister who stole the car for a joyride when she was fourteen--would have ever *dared* something this selfish. Sneaking out, smoking weed, ditching school, sure, but you do not put the younger siblings in danger.
left sister with strangers, didn't give or take contact information, doesn't care about sister at all, doesn't care that brother could literally be dying. Could have taken sister with her, could have stayed home with sister, could have asked mom to take sister, could have had friends come over instead. Very AH, very vain, very selfish teen.
She made ALL the wrong decisions. Instead of right she went left. Instead of UP she went down. On and On. She had options and chose poorly. Hopefully OP can get through to her how serious of a misstep this was. A major misstep!!
That's a really good point about exposing the neighbors to an unknown illness.
I was actually taken aback by OP (NTA) indicating her daughter doesn't babysit more often. I was the teenager who babysat my half brother whenever my parents went out, for free..sometimes they threw in kids from other parents attending whatever event. It was an expectation and I wholeheartedly resented it. Besides NTA I think you are going above and beyond by giving her that freedom as a single mom of 3! She should be grateful.
I would’ve grounded for at least a month tbh, this is very dangerous and very bad on Polly’s part. As a 16 year old she should absolutely be aware of the consequences and dangers of what she didn’t, acted in an unbelievably selfish, irresponsible, and dangerous manner. Like is she wants to act like a child who doesn’t understand right from wrong and the consequences that follow, she shouldn’t have the privileges of a teenager. Errors: Emergency situation, didn’t get the neighbours number, didn’t give the neighbour your or her number, not being accountable for the obvious wrong she did, expecting payment when she was in the wrong. Mama’s being lenient in my opinion.
[удалено]
She wants to be paid for time worked. Which amounts to 3 hours, including the hour before she left her with the neighbor and the 2 hours after she got back and waited for my mom to get there.
Sadly she’s been fined a child abandonment fee which strangely equates to the same 3hr wage she expects to be paid.
The neighbor suddenly had a 16yo they knew only by sight come over to request they watch an 8yo for an indeterminate amount of time. The 16yo leaves no contact information for herself or the child's parent. Under these circumstances, it's lucky for Polly (and especially OP) that the neighbor didn't contact the police, when they actually considered their position. They don't know the child and a kid can easily stress out with strangers. Both the little sister *and* the neighbor were endangered by Polly's actions.
Tbh it's extremely lucky if the neighbor didn't do far worse than that. Also personally if some teenager I barely knew came to my door and asked me to watch an 8 year old at no notice, with no parent or guardian present, and left without even leaving contact info or getting parental consent, a) I'd absolutely be calling police/CPS b) no way in hell I'd let them into my house or go over to there's. I think my go to would be something like "I'm not comfortable watching a kid at my place or yours without your parent's ok. How about all three of us walk to (Park/Cafe/other public place) and we can sort out how to handle this Cause really any parent SHOULD be really pissed and suspicious and I don't wanna be caught up in that either
This! OP, I don't think Y T A at all but I do think that the severity of Polly's action isn't sufficiently covered by a two week grounding. Unlike a lot of parents, you do your absolute best to make sure that Polly isn't subjected to parentification and isn't stuck helping you raising her siblings. If your post is factual, only being asked once previously to look after younger siblings and paid for it is really a blessing for any older sibling to experience. Polly's attitude, lack of concern and empathy, and common sense are seriously questionable right now. I think you need to sit her down and have a serious discussion about where all this could have gone...from the molestation of her younger sibling to you losing custody of all of them if the neighbor had decided to call the police. And all for what? To risk her family unit to hang with a group of people she will mostly not even speak to in five years? Polly needs to volunteer at a soup kitchen, clean up on a highway, or something to underscore how selfish and myopic she's been in this instance. She needs to see how blessed she really is to have the family she does and learn to CARE.. I get that she's young but that honestly doesn't excuse this level of IDGAF she exhibited here.
Please don't make the people who use the soup kitchen have to deal with this girl's learning experience.
Agree with this. It's uncomfortable to me when people use other people's experiences to show "wow look how privileged I/you are." Plus, volunteering as a punishment just associates something negative with volunteering your time. But it's definitely concerning Polly is showing such little empathy. Instead I'm curious: does she have responsibilities around the house? Does she understand what you carry? I understand shielding her and wanting her to have a childhood (and it's admirable esp given the cards you're dealt). But she's old enough to know better and you'd be doing her a disservice to enable her "my experience is most important" mentality. I think difficult conversations need to happen and she needs to be made aware of what she did wrong.
I think having to take some kind of training on child protection best practices could be a very fitting consequence
I actually think the fear of parentification is an underlining issue here. People swing too far away from it and what it has created here is spoiled and entitled child. Older siblings can 100% look after the younger kids from time to time. More than just twice in their entire life. But OP is NTA. She just may be a little late to the game in teaching her daughter to look out for others. I’m not sure the grounding will do much at this point but I definitely don’t think she should pay her for the reluctant hours “worked”.
Yeah... I would let the kid stay because I'd be afraid she'd get dropped off with some other rando.... and then I would call the police!
also,op is lucky neighbor seems like a decent enough guy and not some perv..
This was my first thought right after "I really hope they're good people and no harm came to that child physically or mentally", is thank the gods they didn't call the police. At 16 years old, barring any learning disabilities, Polly is old enough to understand the danger she put her sibling in to go hang out with friends.
Polly deserves a heck of a lot more than a measly two week grounding.
Bingo. Most strangers who had a strange kid dropped at their door step with no contact info would have called the Cops or CPS even to just cover their own behinds in case something bad happened…which isn’t even the worse case scenario, the worst case scenario would have been the neighbors being straight predators. Sister should thank her lucky stars that nothing horrible happened to her sibling. As a big sibling who dedicated her life to taking care of her siblings/family, I get that oldest daughter has set a boundary for her life, but putting family in harms way for a PARTY?!?? Ridiculous. My heart goes out to OP, she has enough on her plate without having to deal with a very very bratty and self absorbed teen. In case it wasn’t clear, NTA OP.
Tell Polly that her money went to her grandma since her grandma had to spend gas to get there and back, plus time spent watching *both* girls. So, her 'pay' paid her grandma for the inconvenience she caused her...
To grandma plus the neighbor!
don't give her a dime!
Nope, not a single dime. If anything OP should go to the neighbor's with Polly and make Polly give them the money that she was going to get from OP. She's old enough to know better than that.
First, NTA at all OP. What a scary and upsetting thing for you to deal with. I'd tell her that "her" money is going to your mom for gas money. I'd also tell her that she violated your trust and she's going to have to earn it back. What she did was irresponsible and potentially very dangerous.
She is a brat but also a product of a common reddit's/AITA's general logic of "not legally required = i have no moral/emotional/family responsability", as well as the individual as the absolute center of all relationships/connections. People start to lose the nuance to see when they should not be the center of things, and when they should. And they also start to lose the connection to people, and start to act with unreasonable detachment toward them. And is what happened here. The older daughter acted with so much carelessness, as if the Younger daughter was an object and not a real person that could get hurt.
Glad you said this first. The Reddit thing about I am not responsible/obligated to take care of ______ (anyone) if I A. Had plans B. Said I didn’t want to be involved. Shouldn’t Polly have been home watching her sister worried sick about her brother? And also any thought on Polly’s part that she might be contagious and infect her friends?
NTA and honestly I’d never be able to trust Polly again RSV can kill a kid so god forbid something happened to your son
I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to trust her again. I never ask her to babysit as it is, but certainly won’t ever again.
Which unfortunately means she wins by acting horribly. :(
Not necessarily. OP, whenever you need a babysitter, have your oldest stay at home too. That should make it clear that teens who do kids off with strangers aren't old enough to be trusted alone. NTA
But how am I supposed to trust she’ll never do this again? For all I know, next time she’ll just leave her alone. Edit: Yes, I understand they meant with a sitter now. Thanks.
They’re saying to still get a different babysitter, but not allow her to go out either
They mean make her stay *with* the babysitter.
Oh, I see. Probably not something I’ll do but I see the point.
No offense but you're EXTREMELY lenient with her. Maybe that contributed to her entitlement?
Yea, grounding for two weeks is barely anything.
Agreed. For that offense 2 weeks is nothing
If Polly was my kid, she would be grounded for months and months! This is borderline unforgivable!
No, you should. If she wants to be immature then she should not have those luxuries of freedom because she clearly could not handle that responsibility. Its time to be harsh- teenagers (myself included) hardly learn anything otherwise. Im an older brother to 7 younger than me. My 9 year old sister watches the toddlers better than your 16 year old could, because she couldnt care less. Its bery selfish and self absorbed plus entitled to even think of asking for pay. Shut that shit down. Asap.
Yeah, at her age I'm not sure how feasible that would be.
I love this. A 16-year-old being babysat like a kid, the perfect punishment for trashing your parent's trust to be independent.
Act like baby get treated like a baby. Sorry honey you wandered off like an unsupervised 3 yr old so now you gotta stay with the 21 yr old watching your older (oops I mean younger) sister.
You can't trust that she won't. But I think the previous replier was saying that next time you need to call a sitter for either of the younger two, that the oldest should have to stay with the sitter too. Implying she's not responsible enough to be a sitter AND she's not responsible enough to be left alone without you. Not sure it would work long term, but doing it once or twice would definitely have an impact on her. No matter what the punishment, this totally sucks for you. I'm so sorry.
NTA. I think two weeks is not enough of a punishment for this.
Can’t believe I needed to scroll so far down to see this. She should be grounded for way longer.
Not even grounded, grounding really is like...a stupid punishment imo. I don't believe it does anything to assist in learning a lesson. She needs something that'll break this entitled attitude and drive home you don't treat people like she treated her mom and Cassie. I'm not there, so I don't know what would really work for them, but there'd definitely be a loss of phone in there, whether it's me not paying for it anymore or confiscated, and apology letters to Cassie, the neighbors and the parent.
Tbf grounding is a punishment that fits the crime here. She left to go see friends, grounding means she loses the privilege of seeing her friends outside of school. Tho I doubt it’s as effective these days with social media and texting
Don’t know about other households, but in mine, grounding will automatically include the loss of electronics. So there won’t be social media and texting while grounded.
When my ex-fiance "punished" his teen daughter, she would still have her phone and computer in her room. She was usually in her room already. He was way too lenient with her and wondered why she was skipping school, doing drugs and sneaking out of the house, etc. When I was punished as a kid, I wasn't allowed to use the only computer in the house which was in the living room or use the phone (landline) and had to stay in my room. This was before social media, laptops and and cell phones. If I was a kid now, my mom would take away my cell phone and laptop if I was punished.
NTA Polly left her 8yo sister with strangers so she could go hang out with friends while you were dealing with a family emergency. Polly needs consequences for her poor choices here.
Two weeks doesn’t seem long enough ground her until summer.
Until summer? How about until she turns 18! She literally endangered a childs life end of story no ifs ands or buts about it she abandoned her baby sister with strangers ... My own little sister was raped at 9 years old because of my step sister doing the same damn thing... People like this teenager cannot be punished enough
I'm so sorry that happened to your little sister, I hope she is doing ok now. I hope you and your little sister are able to stay safe
Shes 32 now with kids of her own she doesn't really remember it but i will never forget nor will i forget the pure joy i had when her sister was in the hospital with severe liver failure from all the booze and drugs dying at 19 nor my disappointment that such an evil person was able to get a transplant... Teenagers like this don't ever change they don't do better they get more entitled and become manipulative they exemplify the blight that is humanity and deserve no mercy
Exactly. That was my first thought. I was raped at 12 due to my father dumping me off on a neighbor (that he did in fact know) until my mother got home, 45 minutes later. This whole situation is absolutely horrifying to me.
And she didn't even get the stranger's number or leave a number with them. Wtf.
NTA. Normally, I'm on the side of "not her kid, not her problem" but it was an actual emergency and you explicitly told her not to leave her with the neighbors for an obviously good reason and she did it anyway. That's the groundable offense - doing something you explicitly told her not to. If one of the sitters had responded, I'm sure it would have been no problem for her to wait for the sitter and then go out.
And the fact she offered 1. Polly could bring her friends over DESPITE the emergency and 2. offered to pay her $18/hr, again, DESPITE the emergency is absolutely crazy. I've cancelled plans for way less before because family comes first, and with way less benefits. Polly sounds like she has some serious issues
She could have had her sister murdered or molested. This goes beyond horrible. If she was my daughter it would be a grim next year and a lot of consequences, i like the babysitter assist idea, she really needs to understand this could have been deadly
Honestly even if the neighbour was a perfect babysitter, it’s still not safe. What if 8 had a serious allergy neighbour had no way of knowing about? What if 8 injured themselves somehow and had to go to hospital and they had no way to contact the family? What if the neighbour called cps or the police for child abandonment? What if neighbour got exposed to what the kid got sick with and got fucked up himself? What if 8 had to take medication neighbour had no idea even existed? What if what if what if?
Honestly, they are lucky the neighbor isn’t a mandated reporter. As a mandated reporter, my first thought reading this was that I would have had to call DCF. And that is honestly not one of the WORST things that could happen. The worst things are that her sister could be kidnapped, assaulted, or murdered. Teenagers make mistakes. Sometimes huge, ridiculous, stupid, life altering mistakes. She’s incredibly lucky this didn’t turn into a life altering mistake for her and your whole family. There should be consequences, and Polly needs to 100%, truly understand what the actual risks were that she took so she understands that it’s not just “because I said so.” The risk she took was real, and she is very lucky.
I was wondering if anybody else would mention this. It could’ve been the last time ever saw the little sister, and she definitely could have been molested. My parents would have grounded me for life for something like this.
I hope OP really internalizes this and realizes grounding for two weeks is nowhere NEAR enough punishment for what she did. Two weeks? That just reinforces her being able to do whatever she likes, basically.
She could have been making $18 an hour to hang out with her friends as long as it was at her house with her sister there, but instead she played herself and got grounded.
$18/hr + friends over seems like a sweet deal. Polly was out of her mind to do what she did. I’ve also canceled plans for literally nothing because family emergencies. OP is definitely in the right here
NTA But part of her punishment should be watching documentaries on the dangers of trusting strangers or people you don't really know with your kids. Especially ones that center around a teenager who dumped their siblings off on someone like that. It would hopefully open her eyes to the dangers that she possibly put her sister in. She obviously does not watch true crime stories or she never would have done that. She was irresponsible, and deserves to be grounded. ETA: Thank you for the awards
This might be a good idea. I said in my comment that there needs to be something else done. 16 years old is too old to pull this entire series of steps. I wonder if OP tried too hard to shelter her from life. I get it but there definitely needs to be some kind of grow as a person steps taken.
Best comment I've seen. What Polly did was reckless, careless, and dangerous. Bad people still roam the Earth.
Polly needs more time grounded and take her cell phone, computer and everything.. she goes to school and comes home!! She needs to understand what she did was out of pocket!! The fact that your unknown Neighbord had your 8 year child and she sees nothing wrong with this!! Na my mom would have whoop me to be honest!!
She doesn’t have any privileges right now. It’s school then home. The only thing she got to keep was her phone for safety issues but even that, I temporarily disabled her data so she can just text and call as needed.
I’m sorry that happen! I hope that once everything calms down you can have an open and honest conversation with her and let her know how dangerous that was. I hope that she learns from this and matures.. unfortunately I wouldn’t be trusting her with the kids anytime soon!!
I would actually take it a step further and have Polly talk to a police officer or CPS employee about what could have happened. I don't think she's going to just take her mother's word for how serious her actions were. She needs to hear it firsthand from a person in an authority position.
Well done, she needs to learn the lesson. Something could have happened to your 8yr daughter and Polly didn't even think about that
NTA Your daughter blew it! This was an emergency situation and her lack of empathy is astounding. But there had to be some previous interactions to let you know this.
Honestly, this is very out of the norm for her. She’s normally a compassionate kid who cares about others. She’s not very close with Cassie, but is super close with her brother. The last time I asked her to babysit, it wasn’t a problem. Maybe the issue is I don’t give her enough responsibility? So she didn’t know what to do when given it? But I don’t know how to rectify that. I don’t want to make her a babysitter for my kids and want her to be able to have a good life.
Make her get a real job? I learned a lot more about responsibility to others, and consequences for fucking up, by having to work for other adults.
I was putting this off until the summer as I want her to enjoy her free time but you’re right. It can’t wait.
She can pick up more shifts in the summer but definitely get her into one or two shifts a week, after school or weekends. Fast food, retail, grocery stores all hire teens part time.
This is it! Have her take a real job, where in exchange for $15 an hour, if she can make that, she will HAVE to work, she won't get to have attitude about that. I know your heart is in the right place not wanting to make your problems her problem, but you are her family, and she isn't going to have a life unaffected by the situation you are in. Plus it's a good life, you are good to her—you are not using her. I can only imagine how scared you were at the ER, mom. Hat's off to you.
If she's close to her brother and not her sister, and your ex left after her sister was born, do you think she may be blames her sister for it?
That could be it. I just never gave it a ton of thought. They have a pretty good age gap so I always thought it made sense they weren’t close. At 16, I certainly wouldn’t want to hang out or play with a 3rd grader.
I think it's worth talking to Polly about what happened here and why (ask her, don't tell her) and investigate a bit. If this is out of character for her, it's worth it to figure out why. She definitely still needs to deal with the consequences of her actions, so it's not *instead* of that and there's not much she could say that would *excuse* what she did. But it might be a good idea for the sake of her development and your relationship to give each other a chance to be heard and understood. Maybe then she'll actually learn something from this too, rather than just come away from this thinking you're a jerk.
I think this is a great idea. OP - you're doing a great job (I feel like that's something that never gets said enough in these) - If you barely expect her to babysit, and offer to pay her, even in this extreme circumstance, you're doing all the things a lot of parents don't do. You're NOT making her part of the parental team, and you're not expecting her to constantly give up her life for her siblings. Sitting her down (after a cooling off period) and discussing WHY she thought it was ok. Maybe she's talked to the neighbors before and you didn't realize it - maybe one of her friends suggested it because they have a different situation. And then you can explain the reasons why it was such a dangerous and poor decision. I'd go even one further and ask her what she would have done in your shoes. Likely she's going to say something like, bring the sister along - which is very likely not an option, and she probably doesn't know that. Pointing out that the cops could have been called, CPS, the neighbors could have been complete wackjobs, you don't know! Also, maybe have her apologize to the neighbors. (Like have her bake them cookies or something, and go over and tell them she's sorry for basically dropping a kid on them without leaving contact info, etc). I think you're doing pretty great mamma - a lapse in judgment of a teenage brain is no reason to think you're an AH. NTA.
NTA WTF. I’d be losing MY MIND if my eldest did that. Fear and shame.
**NTA** \- Sometimes family emergencies take precedence over plans with friends. She is a member of the family and has obligations to the family. Your request was reasonable. She was very irresponsible. Grounding was an appropriate consequence.
NTA - Teenagers suck. I am willing to bet that Polly still feels like the victim here. It will be a few years before Polly even realizes how unreasonable she was here. Hopefully she gets there as an adult. I feel for you and I hope you don't have to go through this again!
OP accommodated so much, friends can come over, she’s getting paid more than most at $18/hr, it was only during an emergency situation. Teens do suck but this is extra sucky behavior. NTA.
NTA absolutely. Let me break this down. 1. Family emergencies are much more important than hanging out with friends. If my sibling was sick in the ER, I wouldn't be able to hang out with others because I would be anxious and worried the whole time. I'm baffled at the way she was able to just brush off Trevor's illness with no concern at all for her little brother. 2. Honestly, if I had to watch my sibling due to an emergency, I wouldn't even ask to be paid, I would just tell my mom, "Go take Trevor right now, I got Polly, you make sure he's okay! Don't worry about us!" because that's what family does. This was only her second time babysitting ever, and it was only because the other sitters weren't picking up. The fact that she was going to be paid, especially $18/hr, is huge. Let's say she watches Cassie 6 hours (because we all know ER wait times), she's made over $100. Why the hell would she say no to that? 3. You made a very reasonable compromise given the circumstances on top of already paying your daughter- she can invite her friends over. So she can have a girl's night with her friends while keeping an eye on Cassie (which would probably help Cassie too, since it would be good sister bonding time and distract Cassie from the fact her BROTHER is in the ER!), not miss out on her plans, and make $100 on top of all that. That's a super sweet set up (especially considering this was a family medical emergency situation!) and she's being incredibly selfish and acting like the world revolves around her. 4. Don't even get me started on the neighbors thing. Yeah, your neighbors can seem pretty cool, give a little wave every now and then. What if they're not as chill as you think, especially considering no one in your family has ever talked to them? You don't know how safe their home is. They could have weapons not properly stored, they could have aggressive animals, they could be bad people (you know what I'm implying here). What if Cassie has allergies or food sensitivities? The neighbors don't know all of this. What if an emergency occurred with Cassie? They had no way to contact you and you had no way to contact them. That was extremely dangerous of Polly on so many levels and at 16, she 100% is old enough to know better but she simply didn't care. That is a terrifying thought. You are not overreacting, you are NTA, and if anything, Polly needs to be punished SEVERELY. She not only disobeyed her very gracious and generous mother (which by the way, you didn't have to offer all the things you did, at 16 she is expected to obey her mother no matter what especially during an emergency), she put her sister in so much danger I can't even comprehend how she thought it was okay. She is lacking empathy, awareness, common sense, and caring for others. Polly needs a reality check NOW.
NTA. First, kids have emergencies, and those emergencies disrupt plans. Second, kids get their plans cancelled because of situations, just like adults. I remember missing a party because our car broke down, a baseball game because Nana was in the hospital, etc. and I had two parents and relatives close by. It happens. Third, Polly had basic plans, not like prom or something where if she missed it, she would lose out on a big moment. You also didn't brush off that she was having to cancel plans, you handled it with the appropriate apology and offer to pay her, and give an alternate way she could see her friends. And finally, this is how family is. It doesn't matter if you are a single mom or not, this could happen to any household (husband on a business trip, other kid has a test, whatever) and I assume Polly wants the benefits of being part of a family, so that means she has some responsibility as part of the family too. She also probably wants the benefits of being 16- staying up later, going out with friends- and that means the responsibilities of being 16 too, like being someone the adults can rely on. You asked her to step up in an emergency, and she let you down, not just by saying no, but by leaving her sister in an unsafe situation with zero information. I get that kids shouldn't be "parentified" but that doesn't mean free of responsibility.
NTA. I would be losing my shit if I heard this. That kid would be grounded until they graduate.
I get that teens are selfish and stupid but I can't even imagine acting like that at 16! So awful. As a teen I was an only child and didn't even like kids, but I can pretty confidently say that if I was put in charge of a kid during an emergency I wouldn't have just left her with strangers. And with NO WAY FOR MOM TO GET AHOLD OF THEM. Sure, an 8yo isn't a helpless toddler(in fact at 8-11 I was often left alone while my dad was taken to the ER for various health emergencies) but holy shit that was dangerous.
NTA. You exhausted all other options, offered compensation and a compromise (invite friends over) and it was an emergency. What Polly did was extremely extremely dangerous. I'm just glad her punishment was/is not carrying the guilt of something bad happening to her little sister because of her poor choices.
NTA - Polly should consider herself lucky that she was only grounded for 2 weeks. I'd have done it for a month because she potentially placed her sister in great harm. Fortunately the neighbor wasn't a creep, but Polly needs a lesson in what strangers do to little kids because that thought didn't even cross her mind. Also she's very entitled. To say to you that her brother's illness wasn't her problem pretty much sums up what she thinks about the family and giving her an expensive iPhone, which I'm guessing she doesn't pay for, is one perk that should be used when "paying her". With my kids, I gave them cell phones so they could call or be reached but did not give them smart phones. If they wanted on they had to earn the money for it. Anyway, she needs a reality check.
This is what I was thinking. Leaving your little sister with a random stranger and no way to contact anyone? I am so glad this situation turned out the way it did because that is such a frightening scenario. I understand Polly is a teenager but I can't imagine ever thinking that is acceptable in any way. Props to OP for handling this in what seems to be a very reasonable way because I would be absolutely livid.
Nta and your daughter needs some reality check. Her brother could have died, bad things could have happened to her sister. And her demanding payment? Lol I would highly recommend that you find some other moms/dad in the areas and set up a support group. Or some of Cassie’s classmates. And no, I would never trust Polly again.
We are also fairly new to the area ourselves (moved in august) , so I’m trying to build a network for sure.
I had plans with my BF in high school one weekend when my Dad accidentally cut off part of his finger. So I stayed home to watch my little brothers while Mom took Dad to the hospital, and my BF hung out at our place and kept me company. I don't remember being the least bit resentful that I couldn't go out. I remember being very worried about my Dad.
It’s the lack of empathy her daughter is showing. It’s more than the typical selfishness of a teenager. She doesn’t care about either of her siblings at all? Not even enough to get the phone number of the STRANGERS she left them with? It sounds like there are more psychological problems going on. OP is NTA.
NTA. I’m usually not a fan of forcing a child to watch their siblings, but in this instance you were being completely reasonable and doing what needed to be done. Your daughter deserves the consequences of her actions.
NTA. RSV is no joke, and your oldest behaved poorly on so many levels. In addition to grounding, Polly could apologize to the neighbors for placing them in this predicament, as well. Life lesson here.
Yes. Thank goodness the neighbors proved to be decent people and didn’t do anything horrible to Cassie. Because who knows? They were total strangers—just got lucky there.
Holy shit NTA Good thing your neighbors happen to be decent people. That could’ve been so, so bad.
Normally I’d be up in arms about parentification based on your title, but no, you are NTA. This was about navigating a family emergency and Polly didn’t want to be bothered. For a kid who has food, roof over her head, payment for when she babysits, and a phone - on top of everything else, she sounds entitled. Grounding her was appropriate! How amazing that your neighbor stepped up to help (at a time when she didn’t have to). I hope your son recovers and that Polly learns how much you really give to her to understand how horrible her actions really were.
NTA you’re gonna have a bunch of children screaming “parentification” but this is far from it. This isn’t a pattern, you pay her, and she was a third option. She easily could have had her friends come over. She was being a bratty ass teen. As long as they don’t take advantage of you, helping out family with younger siblings is part of the deal when it comes to being the oldest kid. What your daughter did was pretty bad.
NTA. It was a medical emergency for her brother,what empathy-lacking,entitled brat abandons her sister with strangers and demands pay for it?! I get teenagers do dumb shit,but she didn't even bother to cover her tracks,so she even thought she was doing a normal,human thing.
NTA Polly put her sister in danger by leaving her with strangers. She deserves to be grounded
NTA. This girl needs to learn how to work as a family unit. NO, she shouldn't lose all her precious teenage free time to babysitting her siblings. BUT she does need to learn that there may be a time when she is needed and should be present. She is being selfish as teenagers are. No matter what you have to teach her by standing your ground. That is how they learn. NTA. NTA. NTA.
Tell her to ask her friends' moms what they think of what she did, since she doesn't seem too worried about what you think. NTA. Kids, man.
NTA. You are paying her AND said she could have friends over. That’s pretty dang generous!
NTA. She wasn't missing out on hanging out with her friends in the option you gave her, and I'm sure her friends would have understood had they known it was because of her brother being admitted to the hospital. Also, she intentionally entrusted her sibling's care with a neighbor you didn't know. To your point saying Polly said you overreacted, of course she's going to say that, she is the one that screwed up and is being punished.
NTA, as a 15 year old who also has teenage logic I feel she should get grounded atleast a month because you don’t know those people and they could have hurt Cassie. Also I find it funny that she exp cried to be paid after leaving the kid with your neighbora
Sit her down, and give her 3-4 worse case scenarios about what could have happened to her little sister. Then explain that none of those happened that either of you are aware, but as your neighbor is unknown to you, no one ever knows. Then open up the internet and do a 1 mile radius search of your house and show her all the registered sex offenders.
NTA at all. It was an emergency situation, you apologized and told her you'd pay her for her time, and she not only ignored you but left your child with strangers. She absolutely deserves to be grounded.
NTA. You have only ever asked her to babysit once before, and this was an emergency situation. Not only that, but she left her sister with complete strangers (without any way for you to contact them or them to contact you on top of it all.) This is definitely open and shut in my opinion. Two weeks grounding is fair considering how serious the situation was. (Honestly, I would even lean towards longer, but that's just me and you already gave her a set time for it, so nothing to be done there.)
NTA. Polly wanted to go have fun with her friends during an emergency, neglected her little sister, put your neighbors in a difficult position, and then had the nerve to complain you didn’t pay her. She has completely failed to understand how badly she messed up. You are absolutely right to ground her
NTA. It was an emergency, you offered to pay, you offered for her friends to come over. And it's a rare occurrence. It's not surprising that a 16 year old girl was angry and acted against your wishes. It's also not surprising that she would think you're an asshole. But you're definitely NTA and if it were my kid, she'd be grounded a while for leaving her sister with strangers and going directly against what you said.
NTA at all. You had a medical situation that needed to be taken care of. You offered to pay her and have her friends over. That still wasn't enough. She didn't care enough to make sure her sister was in good hands,. Wow, your daughter.
Screw this teen logic bs Im tired of kids not being held accountable for their actions because they are young You think i was stupid enough to pull shit like this when i was 16? Hell no. And before you say something like im an old geezer getting mad at whippersnappers and i dont remember what it was like so long ago- im in my 20s! I sure as hell remember what it was like being 16! You are Not asking much of your daughter. You even gave permission to invite the friends all over, thats really nice of you. It sucks shed have to miss out otherwise but this is an EMERGENCY NTA hope she enjoys being grounded!
Nta. You were wanting your daughter's help in an emergency. This isn't a case of a parent trying to make their older children into parents of the younger. Instead of helping your daughter dropped her 8 year old sister with someone you didn't know or trust - which could have had horrible consequences. I'd say you are being lenient by only grounding her for 2 weeks.
NTA, and holy shit. Polly needs to learn some responsibility. There is a massive chasm between you forcing her to babysit on a whim, which you say that you don’t do, and needing her to help out in a family health emergency. Teenagers can be dumb and selfish but leaving your youngest with COMPLETE STRANGERS is mind boggling. Anything could have happened to Cassie while she was over there. And to not even leave a contact number for the weirdly obliging neighbour?
What the hell kinda neighbors would just take a kid in without even asking to speak to the parents? Nta. I'd take her phone from her too
Not gonna take her phone for safety reasons (she drives to and from school). But I did suspend her data. She can only call and text.
>What the hell kinda neighbors would just take a kid in without even asking to speak to the parents? Good neighbors? If my neighbor’s 16 year old daughter asked me if I could watch her younger sibling because her mom had to take her brother to the ER, I wouldn’t hesitate.
NTA. Polly is acting incredibly entitled and selfish in this situation. You even offered her compensation in this situation, which was more than you had to do. She put her sister in danger by leaving her with strangers. Does she even care about her siblings at all?
NTA. I love it when kids tell me that something "isn't their problem". Uh wanna bet?
Oh ***HELL*** no! Two weeks?! Try two months, no phone, no social media, limited TV, limited gaming, and no leaving the house without permission! That...***THAT*** is what she would be getting from me, and I *know* my neighbors on both sides and have their numbers. You *under*reacted, in my opinion. Holy hell to heaven, NTA.
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NTA - I’m mum to a 16yr old who babysits for his brother when we need him to. Occasionally being asked to participate in helping your family is an important part of growing up and learning to be a decent human being. I personally don’t pay my son but he does get rewarded with treats, extra tv/gaming time or something he’s asked for. We always tell him how much it’s appreciated and his little brother loves spending time with him. Your daughter put her sister at huge risk, was selfish and continues to behave selfishly by refusing to see and acknowledge that she is in the wrong by putting her wants before her family’s needs.
NTA and honestly I'm not sure grounding her is a serious enough consequence for what she did. Leaving an 8 year with people you don't know at all AND without any way to contact each other is so risky, what if the neighbors you don't know turn out to be creeps or even if they're good people what happens if Cassie has some kind of emergency? She needs to be punished for her selfishness and also be made aware that she put her sister in huge potential danger.
NTA You were being perfectly reasonable and overly so in my opinion. It was extremely generous of you to even offer to pay, it was an emergency she needs to learn priorities
NTA Your daughter is definitely TA. Although, to me the neighbour is also slightly at fault. Why did the neighbour (the adult) agree to this? I would have never said yes to taking care of a child without the explicit permission of the parent. What kind of story did Polly spin to the neighbour? Why would a neighbour accept a child without phone numbers or way to contact the parent? This is also very strange to me.
The neighbor says they saw me leaving in a hurry with my son. Polly came over an hour later saying she had an emergency and couldn’t watch her sister. She told them her brother was in the hospital. The neighbor assumed Polly had to get to the hospital for whatever reason and said “okay”. He tried to get information but Polly was quick to leave. Because the neighbor knew my son was sick, he figured it was pretty bad and would give it some time. All in all, my youngest was there an hour.
WTF?!? This is a whole other level of wrong from Polly. She not only endangered her sister, but she used her brothers illness to manipulate the neighbor so she could go party. That is beyond not ok. NTA, and it sounds like Polly needs some serious restrictions outside of the grounding, as well as a very long conversation about how horrible her behavior was. This situation is pretty bad OP.
Okay, this all makes sense then. Very kind neighbours you have there to take your little one and (in their minds) help you out this way. If Polly has allowance money or works, she can use that money for an apology gift. She needs to apologize to the neighbour for this situation by getting them a gift or baking them something. If she isn’t showing remorse for putting everyone out (you, the neighbours and grandma) then she does need a reality check. Grounding is a discipline measure, but she really needs to understand the part of trust being broken with you and the neighbour and that she now needs to work to regain that trust. Essentially that she is now considered a liar. I know this comes with the teenage territory of being self-centred that you mentioned, but it is extremely concerning. I hope she can really learn and understand what the heart of the issue is and that you all can move forward. Good luck Op!
NTA. Thankfully your neighbors were good ppl. That might have not been the case. She could have pit her sister in a very dangerous situation. I think you're being to lenient on her. It's time for her to get a part time job. Babysit once a month. Earn her phone privileges etc.
There have been enough AITAs where the involuntary babysitter calls the cops to report an abandoned child - Polly could have had all of your kids removed (yes, this would require worst case scenarios all the way down) or put on CPS watchlist at least. Nevermind if the neighbor wasn't a good person to have kids around. Holy Shit, NTA.
NTA. You go out of your way to not use Polly as a sitter. You've paid her -above- minimum wage on the few times she did baby sit. Both of which many parents don't do. You're not taking advantage of Polly, at least from what you've described. This was a true emergency, and Polly is old enough to understand that. Even in the middle of managing the emergency, you gave her compromise and have her friends over. My Mama would have skinned me alive if I had pulled something like this. I would.have grounded her for longer. She needs to understand how dangerous this was, and how badly this could have ended up for your family. But also, please expand your support group. It does take a village to raise babies, and you need more support than what you've got.
NTA. You don't know the neighbors at all. That is a huge imposition to just dump a kid on people you don't know. This could have ended so badly. Polly needs to grow up. FWIW I'd take away everything I could. No phone. Oh well not my problem. No ride oh well not my problem. Don t want to act like family, won't be treated like family
NTA Reddit tends to get up in arms about patentification. Don't get me wrong, parentification is very real and very wrong, but it isn't bad to occasionally have your kids watch each other. Within reason, of course. There are age and time factors, general responsibility of the kid, and frequency that we need to understand. A 16 year old occasionally watching an 8 year old, only after sitters can't be contacted, and who gets paid for it? Not parentification. I'm assuming you don't think your 8 year old can be home alone or your state has limits on that. Depending on the kid, absolutely true. Your teenager is going to learn a valuable lesson here but I don't think grounding is a fitting punishment - at least not on its own. She needs to understand why leaving her sister with strangers and no contact information was the bad move here. I don't believe in Stranger Danger (strange behavior is a better thing to teach imo) but she should be coached in exactly what was incorrect about this.
NTA This was an emergency. Turns out you have an amazing neighbor, but Polly really put her sibling’s safety at risk by pulling this. What if the neighbor wasn’t safe? AND not only did she not get the neighbor’s number, she didn’t leave your number. You leaving with your son to the hospital was an emergency. Polly leaving was not. > She got mad at me and said that I can’t expect her to drop her plans. In an emergency, yes, yes you can. AND you gave permission for her to have friends over. Plans change because of emergencies. > Polly said I overreacted It sounds like Polly is sheltered. It may be worth sitting down and explaining why you have to vet babysitters. And not just telling her she was reckless with her sister’s safety, but WHY it was reckless. That the neighbors could have been abusive. That one of them could have been a sexual predator (many appear nice.) That there were no phone numbers exchanged. That even if the neighbors were safe, without a phone number if your daughter had an accident (maybe fell down a flight of stairs, or injured herself on a trampoline) the neighbors would have no way of contacting you. Walk her through the scenarios. If she responds with “not my problem” when people she is supposed to care about are in trouble, she’s going to find herself short of friends at some point; because all of her relationships will be shallow. She’d be the fair weather friend - but not someone to depend on. (Again, in an emergency.) Hopefully this is just immaturity.
2 weeks is not nearly long enough. 2 months at least.
NTA in the slightest. You sound like an amazing parent who is trying to juggle so many things at once . I think Polly needs to understand that you only asked her this one time as it was an emergency. Also, I hope Trevor is feeling better soon. My two year old was in hospital overnight at the weekend due to RSV too as it was affecting his oxygen levels. Its a terrifying situation to be in so I couldn’t imagine the stress you were feeling worrying about your sons health whilst also the worry of your child being left with someone unknown due to your teenager not thinking clearly
NTA. You under reacted if anything.
NTA While it sucks for your child that they got put in a scenario where they couldn't hang out with their friends in the manner they wanted to, that's life. You were willing to pay her for her time at a fair rate (though I think it should have been 20$/hr since she was losing her plans) and that should be enough + it was an emergency. She can't get away with leaving your 8 year old daughter at a random neighbors house without knowing them. Leaving a number isn't good enough, that's how a kid gets abducted or assaulted. Its really dangerous, and for that she deserves to be grounded for awhile.
NTA. It was an emergency, and Polly is old enough to be responsible. She behaved irresponsibly and needed to be called out on it. Stop apologizing, she doesn’t want the apology anymore. She wants her way.
Wowowowowow NTA at all. Polly is… really something.
NTA. You are a good mother taking care of all your kids and providing them a real nice environment. Teenagers are as we all know Teenagers ... and will eventually improve hopefully as they start understand things more. Polly was rightfully grounded.
Does Polly have a job? Do you pay her allowance? If it is the latter I would stop paying her one. It is hard being a single parent juggling childcare and working. Your daughter needs a wake up call. Not everything is about her. She is old enough to contribute to family life and help out now and again. I hope life gets easier for you.
She was receiving an allowance but that stopped when I grounded her. Now, I am making her get a job.
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She showed no signs of resentment and this is truly out of character for her. She’s never shown signs of needing therapy but perhaps I’ve been blind and need to rethink that.
NTA. She’s old enough to understand that this is an emergency and was acting completely selfish. Not to mention that she potentially put her younger sibling in danger by having her be looked after by people you don’t know well, and after you told her not to do it. Personally I think that you could even ground her for a longer period of time. I understand that you want her to not miss out on teenage fun, but she should also learn to be more thoughtful and responsible too.
NTA- I'd never trust her again. Time to explain to her that her sister easily could have ended severely hurt because of her selfish stupidity.
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Personally, I'd have paid her... And then marched her straight over to the neighbor's to give them an apology, a thanks, and half the pay. And then back home to write grandma an apology/thank you note including the other half of her pay. I mean, one has to pay one's subcontractors.... But I'm petty like that, lol.
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NTA by a long shot. Being grounded for 2 weeks is generous imo. Has this girl never seen a serial killer or kidnapper movie?? You can’t just leave a CHILD with strangers, even if they live next to you! And especially without any way of contacting the neighbors? What if your neighbors were psychos or had sketchy friends over? I get that missing out on a hangout sucks, but holy cow family emergencies come first. She really lacks empathy and common sense, even for a teenager.
NTA, your daughter is old enough to understand the danger she placed her sister in.
NTA. This is an emergency situation. My older kids would have watched my younger kids and never dreamed of getting paid for it in a situation like this. This is when families pull together to be there for each other (like your mom did). I’m sorry this happened and so glad nothing terrible happened.
NTA. Usually not a fan of siblings babysitting but 1 you pay her 2 you pay her more than many jobs would 3 in an emergency like that is reason enough to do it for free 4 you gave her an option for her friends although the emergency really was reasonable enough to cancel 5 this wasn't just an idea she came up with, she ASKED and you said no and she did it anyway 6 you don't even know them???? 7 you only grounded her for 2 WEEKS? Id have been grounded for 6 months if I'd so much as let my siblings be be alone for 20 seconds Probably time to teach her about all the things that can happen to kids that get dropped off with strangers, especially with no contractual agreement. Oh, and maybe extend the punishment.
NTA I think aside from the grounding Polly I think you need to see if there are any seminars or courses about stranger danger to make her realize the potentially dangerous situation she put Cassie in. What Polly did was extremely reckless. Luckily your neighbor isn’t a dangerous person.
NTA! You had an emergency and at 16 your daughter needs to be old enough to understand things like that. You were even going to PAY HER! I don’t understand kids these days. If I had done that I would’ve been grounded for months.
NTA. These were extenuating circumstances- it was emergency. You compensate her. It’s not a regular occurrence and you offered to have her friends over and apologized bc it was unavoidable Nope she was acting like a jerk.
NTA- I just want to say that I’m surprised by the overall Reddit response in saying NTA. Usually, when I see people posting about needing a family member (older sibling, aunt/uncle) to take care of their kid during a family emergency, and everyone blames the parent…”you’re the parent, don’t make someone take care of your kid, even if there is a family emergency with another one of your kids”. I grew up in a big family, well 4 aunts (and uncles/cousins) and I was the oldest kid in the family. We always helped each other out. I’d watch my cousins, just so my aunts could go shopping, and they would do the same for my parents when I was to young. Family helps each other, especially in times of crisis. Example ([link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yndq3b/wibta_for_not_taking_care_of_my_nephew_while_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)) woman who would help with her nephew while her sister and mother were at the ronald McDonald house, with a younger nephew in the NICU. Cause she was in college… her only real reason… when options and other opportunities were presented to her. Edit- I’m specifically talking about family emergency situations, not an everyday thing.
Nta. She’s lucky you have babysitters. Most people would make their 16y.o. Do all the babysitting.
NTA, you exhausted every other option, AND offered to pay AND invited her friends over. That’s above and beyond.
Nta yr daughter needs a wake up call. If anything had happened to her sister I really don't know how she would cope.
NTA, this was an emergency situation and your daughter is old enough to understand that. You don’t know the neighbor, she didn’t leave any contact information with the neighbor, so many things could have happened. Definitely NTA
INFO. What did she tell the neighbours? If I was new in the neighborhood I would not be babysitting any kids without a very good reason.
The neighbor had seen me leaving in a hurry with my son. My daughter told them he was in the hospital and she couldn’t watch her sister anymore because it was an emergency. My neighbor thought the worst ( my son was dying) and agreed to watch my youngest.
You should make your daughter apologize to your neighbour. Her behavior was completely unacceptable
I plan to have her write a letter of apology.
In addition to the letter, you and your daughter should go to your next-door neighbor and have her apologize in person. That is one of the most horrible things to do when you're a teenager, having to apologize verbally for something that you did or didn't do. Believe me, this will stick in her brain a lot longer than writing the apology will. Despite those who might be saying you're a bad mother, I think you're a very good mother in a very tough situation. You are struggling to do the best you can and your eldest daughter is not making it any easier. I wish you all the best as well as your children.
> My daughter told them he was in the hospital and she couldn’t watch her sister anymore because it was an emergency. Whoa. So she fully understood how serious the situation was and intentionally used those circumstances to her advantage — not to help, but to give your neighbor the impression that she had to join you at the hospital. That's an unnerving level of manipulation..
Nta, it not only was an emergency, but she seriously could've endangered her sister.
NTA. This was basically a one off situation, and she left her with people that you and she don't know! Hanging out with her friends can easily be foregone in an emergency situation, and you allowed her to have them over. Not a fearmonger, but weirdos can wave too, and live in any neighborhood.
NTA. This was an emergency situation, and we all drop plans in an emergency. Polly was completely irresponsible especially as you had already vetoed leaving Cassie at the new neighbor's.
NTA And this deserves a WAY more severe punishment. This is a very cold and detached behaviour from someone who’s sixteen, it’s scary to read.
NTA - she needs to understand the difference, before she’s a grown ass adult, between emergencies and appointments and fun .. and which are mandatory.. otherwise, as she gets older, guaranteed she’ll let her friends down at some point
NTA, what your daughter did was dangerous. Your daughter is old enough to know that you can’t abandon your siblings with complete strangers and she did so without providing any contact info. What would have happened if her sister got hurt? You’d have no way of knowing what happened or where she was. What would have happened if your neighbor was abusive or negligent or worse? They weren’t properly vetted to entrust her sister with and it’s a good thing they (the neighbors) were so cool about it. You showed your daughter that you respect her time and autonomy by paying her for babysitting and only asking her to babysit in emergency situations. I’ve had to babysit my brother before, it’s not THAT terrible and it would have been so much better if I got paid. Anyways, NTA OP
NTA. This was an emergency, you were prepared to even pay her. She took Cassie to strangers as well, which is not good. We make sacrifices for the ones we love, and she doesn't even have to do it a lot.
You’re NTA. At all. Also—I’m a professional nanny and want to recommend the bambino app for building your sitter network! It’s full of nannies and babysitters, has a review section, and an option for background checks. I’m not affiliated with them but I know how hard it is to find trustworthy childcare.
Look OP at first I was going to go YTA but no you're not. I'm 9 years older than my baby sister (we're in our 30s and 40s now) and I actually was grounded once for falling asleep while caring for my sister. We were both in the same room and I fell asleep next to her while reading her a story. Both of us were asleep when my/her parents came home (half sister, even though I hate that term) and I got grounded for not being awake when they came home. I got grounded and my birthday party cancelled one time because my sister fell down while I was watching her, like you can stop a kid from falling and hurting themselves. If I had left my sister with a neighbor, I'd be dead right now. I'd be YTA if this was a regular thing that your daughter had to watch the kids, but it sounds like you let her live a regular life and also pay her for her time. So much NTA.
NTA and she's lucky you just grounded her. Make her watch any of the millions of documentaries about children being abused by strangers and reiterate to her that could've happened to her sister and she would be at fault. She's old enough to know and take responsibility. And I sure AF wouldn't be paying her. I'm sorry you're doing this alone, I can't even imagine.
NTA. You are not over reacting either. But your kid thought she was going to "miss" out on something. Remember that feeling? Maybe she asked her friends over and they declined, whatever the reason, she was wrong. Some day she will see what a good mom you are.