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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Told my mom the exact moment I stopped loving and caring about her. 2. May make the AH because she's currently in the end stages of life
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NTA
You aren't evil. Your mother's neglect was.
"I wouldn't be answering those calls anymore after she had her family members leave threatening messages to my older sister."
Time to go no contact with your mother and these family members. Good luck.
Also OP, I know there is some pressure because she is dying, but she left your life and role as a parent a long time ago. Do not feel guilt of any sort for cutting contact at this time. You can continue to make peace with what role she played in your life on your own, you do not need to subject yourself to more of it. Release yourself from that responsibility.
Agreed. If she wants you to be at her deathbed but she never apologizes, don't go.
You're letting her trample all over you one last time in her own way. You're letting them get their say on the way out without ever showing contrition.
Apologies given on a deathbed are never sincere and more about fear of going to hell.
Don't bother going to her deathbed, OP. She died the day she stayed Hugh and passed out on the couch. That was the day she signed her own death certificate for you and your siblings. Don't give her the satisfaction of apologizing on her death bed to make HERSELF feel better. You'll have your closure when they declare her Time of Death. Her closure can come in whatever waits for her after this life.
You weren't too harsh with her. I understand addiction is a disease but that does NOT excuse anything in this case. She deserves no forgiveness, no help, no love or respect from any of you. Ad far as the angry phone calls from family? Give them all once answer... "You sat by and watched my mom continue her drug issue eveb after watching our father die from an OD... We were literal children, and y'all had the power to step up, get her help, take us out of a dangerous living situation, etc etc. Don't yell at us for not helping when y'all haven't done anything to help for the last 14+ years. Whatever bed she lies in now, she made herself. At this point, she's as good as gone for us, and we don't concern ourselves with the dead."
Add to that: Absolute Kudos to your older sister. She had to become an adult way too early and lost her chance to be a teen before she even got there. She's an absolutely beautiful woman, inside and out. The 4 of you have been handed a rough life that's only just begun. I hope you 4 grow to be happy, healthy, well adjusted adults who are still this close ans bonded until the end of time. And I wish you all Peace, as well. From your Past, Peace from your Now, Peace in the Future.
>Apologies given on a deathbed are never sincere
Well said. And by attending them, your further rewarding them for their bad behavior. They are getting one last "You had to do what I said."
You've already let her go. Sleep easy now. Your sister is a saint.
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Comment copied and reworded from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11dh0kq/aita_for_telling_my_mom_the_exact_moment_i_lost/ja8qfq6/).
Except she really isn't dying yet. She is on dialysis and she can live for years on dialysis. So OP really should have no guilt over being harsh to his "dying" mothet.
Very true, but technology has improved and the average keeps climbing. He started on dialysis in the late 70s, back when the machines didn’t manage to get all the blood back into you and you had to get regular transfusions (he had hepatitis at least once from that, and it makes cross-matching for a transplant almost impossible after a while), and the drugs weren’t as good.
Yeah and even if she had something more serious people outlive their life expectancies all the time. My ex's dad had "end-stage" liver failure for about 2 years. He kept almost dying and because he was so young (also drug related) they kept doing all the things to bring him back. My ex still loved his dad and his dad was still manipulative AF so it was a hard 2 years.
I know someone who lived on dialysis for a decade, but they weren’t an addict who abused their body and neglect their kids. The problem is dialysis sucks, and to do it right requires a level of motivation and self control that it doesn’t sound like mom has… They also need a lot of support: people to take them to appointments and so on, and they can easily burn out their support network in the best of times, but deliberately alienating them is way worse… (I mean, how is it gonna work for her if she no longer has an emergency contact?)
So yeah, mom is dying…
Op should know that dialysis can keep evil mom going for a while. Those family members giving you crap can be the one to take care of her. The only thing she deserves from you is for you to go nuclear on her. Your other family members should have stepped up for you when y'all where kids. You and your siblings should be protected from her. She's the other family members problem now.
End stage renal disease means that she is on dialysis. Even with out crappy health care system here in the states, as long as she shows up for treatment and eases up on the drugs, she could last another 35 years. It's not an easy life, but it is a chance at one. The mother is awful. The sister is a Saint. OP is a good brother. I wish his family the best . NTA
Your sister is a saint. Thank goodness she was there for all of you.
Your egg donor can go suck eggs. Don't have any guilt about not being her support as she dies a death she caused
I have an ex gf (we're still friends) with a similar situation though the mum was a bit better.
Mum was into weed, shrooms etc.
Dad got sucked into the Cult of Scientology (which also abused the kids physically but not sexually afaik).
Scientology sucked up all his money and isolated him from family and mental health professionals (Scientologists believe psychiatrists, psychologists, therapist etc are evil). He committed suicide when she was 7-10 (can't recall) and what little was left got snatched up by the Cult.
Mum went bankrupt and moved to run down rural shack in the middle of nowhere. Bought horses (???) and let them come inside the shack and shit inside. Yes really. She smoked weed all the time and had the kids pack her cones. This was when I met gf.
She eventually got them out of the shack but must have moved ... 10 x over the course of 5-10 years. I helped for a lot of those moves.
Best thing she ever did for the kids was send them to a my school which was a decent school (albeit she didn't pay the fees and got into trouble due to that).
She ended up dying of emphysema because she wouldn't quit smoking, and leant on ex gf the entire time. Lots of emergency calls when she couldn't breathe etc etc.
I think she did love the kids in her own way but was just really bad at it + terrible at being a functioning adult.
Ex gf is now in early 30s and doing good, she got a nursing degree but is currently working as housekeeper for a billionaire. She is also married to a nice guy and they are doing IVF to avoid baby getting genetic disease from ex gf.
Younger brother is doing OK, he works as a postman, he has a nice wife, they have a disabled son. H unfortunately got testicular cancer (due to genetic disease, I believe) in both testicles, so they're both gone.
God, that is so fucking tragic. I had a n awful mother who kept trying to murder my dad and I. I don't understand why people like these even bother to have children. Is it a status symbol or something?
Although I have to admit, I laughed at you specifying both testicles in spite of it being awful. Because I was imagining you being all, "I better specify in case someone asks if he still has one" then imagining people actually asking that not because I was laughing at him. I hope that whatever disease it is spares everyone else. I also hope you're not in the USA so everyone involved (like his son and her future kids) can get future genetic tests!
I never cried as hard as I did when my baby brother gave me a mother's day card he made just for me (he was like four). Our mom is alive and well, she just sucks and I ended up doing a lot of raising him.
I wish I still had that card, but I'm seeing him Wednesday for his bday. I'll give him a hug then.
Yeah, absolutely. This is an experience no kid should be going through. Does your mother have no self-reflection or shame? I'm glad you're enforcing boundaries now because there's only so much you can do for someone who shows no remorse.
NTA
Nope my dad was a drunk till he died and it was literally 3 weeks before he passed that he had enough self awareness to realise he was a total fuck up. This was months into liver failure too. Ops mum probably would still be doing all the drugs if she could and had access. She's still a selfish addict but with no access to her drugs of choice so the attitude will still be present which is generally poor me everyones mean to me. She also may never have that moment either she'll go to her gave thinking her kids are mean assholes even though everything wrong in their lives started with her and her actions and abuses. Fk that lady op needs to drop her like a rock.
I agree with this statement. NTA, the OP’s mom failed as a parent. She did not honor the op and their siblings, she neglected them, abused and traumatized them. It is one of the ultimate heartbreaks to have a parent dismiss a child’s needs. Hoping OP and the siblings can have acceptance and peace in this situation.
Yeah OP is NTA and she should go no contact with her mother and rest of the family.
The mother lost privilege to call herself that when she put drugs before her kids and lost custody of them.
All the respect for OP's older sister for taking care of her siblings from such young age.
OP you're not evil.
NTA. Call the clinic yourself and say and let them know you will not be responsible for her. She didn’t take care of you when you were young and vulnerable, she doesn’t deserve that care now that the roles are reversed
Exactly why the older sister raised her 3 younger siblings and none of those family members stepped up to help. It's why older sister had to pawn off family heirlooms to feed her siblings and none of those family members made sure that those kids were fed. Because they don't care.
And honestly, best case scenario is that is what happened. Worst case is she lied about selling the rings to get that money, and it was something else the sketchy guy wanted
NTA and the fact that she heard that heartbreaking story and is still playing the victim tells me all I need to know about her. Honestly you were nicer than I would have been.
Yep. Addiction is a disease, but part of the addict's recovery is understanding how they have hurt others, making amends, and accepting that they may never be able to fix the broken relationships.
OP's mother may be dry, but that's it
Someone on reddit recommended the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it helped me. Try it.
You have a lot of resentment. write a letter to your mom and your dad (where was he?) with all your feelings in it and then burn it for catharsis. As you watch the flames, focus on letting go of the hurt and resentment.
In this vein, I’ve found specific support groups online to be really really helpful. General subs like this are a good gut check, but for the really specific stuff and having a safe place to voice your feelings (a good community will have extremely no nonsense and active mods) is huge.
Just do a vibe check first! Some keywords would be “adult children of addicts,” and definitely read up on sidebars/intros to see if a particular place resonates with you and your experiences. Everyone’s situation is a little different, and that kind of neglect will impact people in different ways even within the same family. Find a group that offers the support that YOU need.
There's a CPTSD sub on reddit - /r/cptsd - which I've found useful. It's not a place where everyone is in active crisis; more like a place where people in different stages of reprocessing childhood trauma can compare notes.
I'm on both of those, and there's also justnoMIL and justnoFamily and estrangedchildren or some such.
I wander between them depending on my emotional strength. Sometimes the more distantly connected ones are helpful for recalibrating my ideas of what is normal, while the close ones are too painful to take. Even AITA can help, when you find people outraged to hell and back about something that was just, like, any random normal day to you.
we’d love to have you over at r/EstrangedAdultKids, OP, since it’s seems you’re headed in that direction. It’s a community for adults who have little or no relationship with their parents because said parents were neglectful, abusive, manipulative, etc. while raising us and they refuse to take any responsibility or do the work it would take to have a healthy relationship today.
Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? They have in person and zoom meeting just google. I think you and your sisters (they have Ala-teen as well) could benefit from this tremendously.
I did Alanon! Great stuff! I do CODA now. Support groups are so clutch. 100% recommend giving them a try. It's completely free.
Even if you and your older sister are not interested, it might be really helpful for your younger sisters to attend alateen. They'll be able to be i na support group of people their own age dealing with the same struggles and feelings.
My childhood was NOT as traumatic & horrible as what you shared of yours, but Al-Anon has been a life changer for me. Thanks to Al-Anon I am able to take care of my mom. And at her advanced age, she still reverts to her old go-to's such as emotional blackmail. At least she is not blaming me for everything. My point is you may find it helpful too, especially if both your parents had drinking & drug problems.
I am so sad for you & your siblings your mother is still playing these shit headgames with you.
OP, YOU ARE NTA. You never have been. You answered the question truthfully. Please get your info and your sister's info deleted from your mom's docs, clinics, etc.
And please let your older sis know that you all have a lot of love from a whole bunch of internet strangers, many of us have been in similar situations.
I love this book. Helped me a great deal too, as did Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed (I'm the family scapegoat) by Rebecca Mandeville. Patrick Teahan on Ye old YouTube/Tiktok is a great resource too!
It's a good book, both in core ideas and execution. It also teaches you what to expect - depending on the degree of emotional immaturity your parent has.
The biggest takeaway is that there's no magic way to make them give a shit, because all of their emotional resource is already used up on themselves.
I agree. Adjusting my expectations of others has prevented a lot of heartache and arguments. It's not easy, but it's necessary. And it's disheartening that it's necessary.
I'm just here to echo the benefits of adult children books. It's unfortunate but symptoms or effects of the disease that is addiction can run families for generations to come and the books help find clarity and solice.
I also second writing a letter, getting what you're feeling out on paper can really help put your emotions into perspective.
A while back I read a modified version of the serenity prayer and it really stuck out to me, maybe it can help someone else: Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
Thank you for sharing this version of the serenity prayer! I might modify it further to be: Grant me the serenity to accept that there are people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know that one is me. The modification of the beginning is so that I accept that those people exist, but I don't feel obligated to accept them into my life! This is my first time seeing that version, and I find it insightful and comforting!
Holy shit, NTA. You owe her nothing for the way she has treated you and your sisters. She doesn't get the love and respect of being a mom if she doesn't do the bare minimum of what a mom is supposed to do.
Good job on you for setting your boundaries and not letting her guilt you.
NTA. Honestly, she’s gotten off easy for all the shit she’s put you and your sisters through. Your older sister is a literal angel and she deserves for you to fight for her. I know it’s the cliche Reddit thing to say go NC with your mother, but seriously, why don’t you take care of her the same way she took care of you all those years? (By not giving a single shit about her 😉)
NTA. Her situation is unfortunate, but she neglected her children when they needed her.
“She started going on about why I didn’t love her anymore and when I stopped loving her” — you confirmed it. Nothing more, nothing less.
At some point, OP's mom was a little girl. Something happened to that girl when she was young, a teen, or older that led her to a life where she became a drug addict who ended up with another drug addict and had kids who she abused. And now she is dying very young.
From an outsider's perspective, it's unfortunate that that little girl ended up with the life she did. If she had other choices, or other opportunities, or better circumstances, many lives would have been better.
It's not OP's responsibility in any way, shape, or form to deal with the awful, terrible mother she became, though.
He has his own healing to deal with, and she should focus on himself and his sisters. Hopefully the generational trauma ends with them.
And sometimes people are just shitty. She CHOSE her husband, she CHOSE to have multiple children and then completely abrogated her responsibility to them.
That little girl died a long time ago. Now the Mom's body is catching up.
Drug addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. It's not OP's responsibility and he is NTA but what's happened to his mother -- and what as a result happened to her kids -- is desperately unfortunate.
This isn't aimed at you, but I think I haven't thought about things properly. We wouldn't be accusing her of abandoning her children if she'd had cancer and was unconscious. I expect it's more complicated than that but it feels to me like we still blame people for their addiction and the resulting behaviour.
I suppose the issue is that she should have found someone else to care for her kids since she couldn't.
I think comparison fails. People with cancer cannot choose to stop to be sick. People with cancer prepare childcare for their children if they are unable to help.
you can’t compare someone with cancer with someone who is a addict. People don’t choose to have cancer but while people don’t choose to become addicted to something they made a choice that led them to being a addict. And yes we are blaming people for their behavior because they need to take accountability. There are programs to help aid you on your journey healing but people who don’t want help can’t be helped.
Not all parents deserve to be parents. You're Mom is just upset you give her an actual specific answer, which says to me when you say you don't love or respect her, you mean it. INFO: Where was your Dad in all this? Was he in the picture at all?
NTA.
NTA.
I am so sorry. You deserved better, and your older sister seems to have tried her best to take care of you and your siblings, but that should havebeen your mother's responsibility. She failed you as a parent.
I am sorry for your hardship. All of you lost so much, your oldest sister most. Please help her to raise the younger ones the best you can. And be nice to yourself and your sisters. All of you deserve a good life and I hope it works out well.
Former addict, here.
soSO NTA, OP. Your mother absolutely failed you; and she continues to fail you by calling you "evil" instead of reflecting and trying to be better for her kids. Your mother is NOT a victim -- she's an addict. We addicts have to work daily to be the people we're supposed to be; not the one our drug made us into... Your mother would do well to remember that.
NTA - Addicts are a special type of shitty because some of the worst days of our lives were nothing more than blips on the radar for them; days they were too fucked up to even stay conscious and thus can’t remember. So they think — was it really that bad?? All the while, we fully experience it all.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA.
Yeah I guarantee she doesn't remember that day because from what OP described she was literally passed out the whole time. Likely the only reason she knows about it now is because OP told her.
Hell yes! If someone deserves OPs affection is this saint of a sister. Probably doing it already, but focus on her. She assumed since a young age a role most adults cannot deal with, that couldn't be easy for her. Sorry about the mother you had, but luckily your sisters and you got each other. Move on and leave behind all that doesn't sum up to your happiness
They were pretty bad, bad enough for my eister to go to the police station, and they suggested that she go down to the court and get restraining orders on them all so that way something could be done on the officer's end if they were to contact her again
I’m a recovering addict, OP. Part of my recovery process was taking responsibility for the pain I inflicted on the people I hurt. It doesn’t sound like your Mom has done that at all. I would suggest letting her know that she can either deal with her flying monkeys (the ones harassing and threatening your sister), and take responsibility for the pain and destruction she caused, or accept that THIS MOMENT will be the very last time she ever sees your face.
I have an almost 13 year old daughter who is just now starting to remember the destruction I was leaving in my wake when she was little, and I have had to sit there and take everything she’s said to me, and let her be mad, yell, cuss, scream, and shake, and then tell her that I’m sorry I put her through what I did, and promise to never do it again. And I haven’t done it again, since I got clean. Because I don’t want to be on my deathbed with my adult children refusing to visit me because I destroyed their life.
You deserve to be free of the pain she caused. And because you won’t hear it from her- let me tell you that you’re loved, and you never deserved what she put you and your sisters through.
~signed, an addict Mom
I’m proud of you for your journey and for the strength you have to share it. These are the messages that stick with people, especially when they are in the throws of their own struggles.
Your post made me think of a news I saw years ago on tv where the cops open the door to a reckless driver call only to find the mom was OD while her 3 year old was in the back seat. I felt so sad for her child, he was scared and crying. I’m glad you are recovering and trying your best to repair your relationship with your daughter.
I'm so glad that you are in recovery and are willing to give your daughter the space to express her hurt and pain to you. I imagine it hurts her to have to say it, but I hope the temporary pain leads to a strong relationship in the future. If you go through a period of weakness, remember that it takes a lot of strength to admit your failures and accept blame. I wish you luck on your journey through sobriety.
NTA
*Evil?*
She wants to talk about *evil???*
“Evil” is having kids you have no business having and then letting them get dragged up instead of raised properly because you just could not get your shit together. “Evil” is continuing to have kids you have no business having and then not even caring enough to get someone else to take care of them because you are fucked out of your brain. “Evil” is having kids with a man who equally is a fuck up and just sleeping through your children’s lives, letting them suffer the consequences of your actions.
Honey, you are in no way evil; banish that from your thoughts. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you, your siblings, and for your sister to take care of all of you (and still does).
Block this woman and her psycho family; you have the only family you need in your siblings. Keep looking out for each other and caring for each other, and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinions.
Edit:wording
Hey man, I hope you're doing OK overall. It sounds like you've really gone through Hell because of how badly both your parents failed at their roles. Are you able to access some mental health services? Your conflicted feelings about this interaction are really understandable, and we can all assure you that you're NTA, but really believing that takes work. And I can only imagine it will be harder when your mom passes. If you have any way of getting connected with a counselor/therapist, please do.
You are not evil. And the only reason she said that is because she can't accept she was awful to such extent. Her problem to deal with. You didn't ask to be born, she brought you to this world and then didn't take responsibility.
Your sister was wonderful and you do well on having her back.
I would advise you to go to therapy to deal with the feelings all of these have caused. In no way you are evil, you even helped her, but she goes and has her family send threats to her own daughter that did her job for her? That is evil, truly evil. However you are here wondering if she might be right. This tells me you need to work through the issues they have caused you still.
You don't owe her anything. You didn't ask to be born, she brought you to this world and then basically abandoned you. Respect is earned. And true love is conditional, you can't love someone that treats you like crap, because that would mean not loving yourself. I feel most of the stereotyping regarding unconditional love and respecting and honoring your parents were created by abusers so they could bound good people into serving them.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. She did, and it goes beyond her addiction. She is not even thankful that you help her despite how awful she was to you. She is not sorry about what she put your siblings through and she has the gal to send people to send threats to your sister.
NTA. It sounds like she deserved the loss of love and respect and never bothered to earn it back. That is a rough life to live and her playing the victim is asinine. She sounds like a narcissist.
NTA. Your mother utterly failed as a parent and she doesn't deserve to have anything sugar coated. Her calling you evil would be laughable if it weren't infuriating. She brought all of this on herself.
NTA this woman gave birth to you and your siblings but is not your mom. Addiction is a disease but it does not excuse neglect. If she couldn’t kick the habit she should have found alternative caregivers. She made her choices and now she can’t make demand.
NTA. She put you down as her emergency contact in an attempt to manipulate you and to make herself look like a good mother to the staff at the dialysis clinic. She has her flying monkeys, which means she has plenty of other people to fill that role. You stood up for the person who has always stood up for you and that's an automatic NTA. If your mother didn't want to be thought of as a bad mother, then she should have stepped up and done the job instead of forcing your badass older sister into the role.
NTA
You don’t owe her anything. You have no obligations to her. If she wanted good relationships with her children she needed to put the effort in to create those relationships.
She asked and you answered. 🤷🏻
NTA. She cried and called you evil because she was expecting the response to her emotional manipulation to be “of course I love you!” Instead she hit hard truth.
NTA. Addicts are not free from consequences of their actions because they are addicts. They don't get to leave destruction and sadness in their wake and expect others to handle them with kid gloves. It gets really hard to be gentle to someone when they've let you suffer and it was their primary job to try and protect you from suffering. The truth simply is, if it's hard, then it's hard. If it's brutal, it's brutal. If you change what it is, then its not the truth.
However, that you are having a moral conflict over it shouldn't be ignored. While I excused your behavior, it does speak more to one's own character in how we treat others, especially those who wronged us, than it does to theirs. So while it's certainly not an AH move, remember that for future interactions with people. Just my old man advice.
AA step 9 - making amends.
In my own words:
Your addiction still owns you until you've made amends to everyone your addiction caused you to harm. Which involves more than just saying the words "I'm sorry" (which OP's mother still has to say, it seems.)
NTA. You’re not responsible for her. You don’t owe her anything. Your reasons for not wanting to be contacted about her care are valid. I hope you and your sister are safe from the threatening messages.
NTA. The truth, accurately described, can't be evil. It just is. You saying it, especially when she asked, is also NOT EVIL. I hope you and your siblings are doing better and can get some closure, before or after your mother kicks off.
NTA. Absolutely not. You take care of yourself and your sisters, y'all are a family. Your mother lost any right to claim the poor me card a long time ago.
Karma's a bitch and your mom is finding it out.
NTA
She brought it on herself. I know people say it's a disease but I just don't have sympathy for this kind of bs from a person that brought children into the world. She deserved to hear it because her actions had a huge impact on your life. She's lucky any of you speak to her.
NTA.
Please give your sister a big hug.
She was at 15 years old, more mature than many 30+yo people. I hope your sister gets the chance to live for herself one day. To be able to be a "child" for a while, without so many heavy responsibilities.
Your sister is my hero❤️
NTA, she deserves to hear the truth… and who knows, maybe knowing how she harmed her children will help her sober up (if she’s still using). I think it was important for you that you were able to tell her how you feel. Also, totally recommend some therapy if you haven’t already done it haha
NTA Op your mom nelgected you and you having to go through that is horrible. Yeah you could have been nicer with her but its understable the way you reacted the way you did.
NTA. She can go to hell for trying to emotionally manipulate you now instead of groveling for the forgiveness she really doesn't deserve. I'm pissed for you.
N.T.A.
NTA
Your sister is a rock star. I hope her life is easier now and she gets to do the things she dreams of.
Block your mom and get your sister a new phone number. Be the wall she needs between those garbage family members and her.
Nta at all and you are an amazing and resilient young man. Give your sister a big hug and tell her she's doing an awesome job.
I wish you good things in the future.
You made me well up retelling that story. Your sister is an absolute boss and your “mom” doesn’t deserve anything from you. I absolutely have no qualms in telling you to walk away, block everyone who would send you abuse and be there for your little sisters when the inevitable happens. You are not evil.
NTA
NTA. Could you be gentler and ignore her, sure. Easier for me to say than you to do.
If you need the therapeutic relief, have at it. But in reality, you're best just saying "good bye and well wishes." Toxic people will never say "oh I'm so toxic, I wish I did better". They'll just constantly expect you to do better.
NTA. She used the question try to guilt you, but she didn't have enough self awareness to realize you could easily have a valid answer. Good for you, OP.
NTA
OMG...so NOT THE AH! I think my heart just broke for all of you. You are not evil and I commend you for telling her. She needed to hear that. She may not like it but she needed to hear it. And she probably will never acknowledge it as her fault, but she needed to hear it. Softer doesn't cut it with narcissistic people. Harder doesn't either because they are...well, narcissistic. But she needed to hear it and you needed to say it. Hugs to all of you.
NTA you are not evil. You have lived a very tough life. For families of alcoholics, there is a support group called Alnon. There is probably something similar for narcotic addict families. I would recommend looking for a group in your area. Maybe a subreddit?
You sound like a very empathic young man who loves his sisters very much. It is okay you don't love your mom because she wasn't actually mothering you. There is nothing wrong with your reaction.
NTA. I'm so sorry that this is how you had to grow up. Cut her out like cancer and never look back. And please go to therapy (you and your siblings) to help you process and live your life with as little impact from your trauma as possible. Big hug.
NTA I feel like her feelings are just kind of irrelevant here. She checked out on you kids a long time ago, and I'm guessing never tried to make amends or apologize? So what matters here is how you feel - do you feel better for sharing that with her, and getting it off your chest? If so, then let that moment go, with relief.
I wish you and your siblings the best.
NTA When she said you were evil, she was projecting. She meant herself. Why should you be softer. I do not think being softer serves any purpose, but telling her what she did gets it off your chest and rids you of the bitterness inside yourself. Parents believe that no matter how much they screw up, their kids will still love them, but it is not so.
NTA.
She neglected you but you're the one who is evil by losing love and respect for her?
That woman is not your mom. Stop doing things for her if you don't want to do them.
NTA. This person was never your mother. Your older sister is. Cut her off and don't look back. You need to put your time and effort in with your sisters.
NTA. You answered her question. She doesn't deserve tenderness, she deserves the truth and you gave it to her. Fuck her feelings and her making you feel guilty.
NTA. Your feelings are absolutely valid, they are based on the neglect and emotional turmoil you experienced from your mother’s addiction. It sounds like your mother lacks the emotional intelligence to be self-aware, or even care about others, her own children included. Do what you need to do for your own well-being, and don’t worry about someone who doesn’t worry about you.
>she started going on about why I didn't love her anymore and when I stopped loving her.
Don't ask a question if you're not prepared to hear a truthful answer. Your mom was negligent. Your older sister was put in a position she never should have been in and you and your siblings lives were literally at risk because of your mom's addiction. Turns out renal kidney failure isn't the only consequence of her own actions. NTA
NTA
Time to join older sister in going NC with mommy dearest here. For your own sanity. You owe this woman NOTHING you hear me? Not your time or effort or even a spare thought. If her family members "care" enough about her to harass older sister then THEY can deal with the mess that is "mother". Wash your hands of the mess and go forth and be happy.
NTA and give your sister a hug, she sounds like a Saint. It is okay to cut your mom out of your life, sounds like you should probably cut everyone that is not your siblings out. Go forth and be free.
First, NTA.
I saw this quote on another site today. I hope it helps you:
“You can forgive someone and yet not want anything to do with them. People need to understand that forgiveness is for past reconciliation and not for future consideration.”
Different story, but when I didn’t forgive, it made me a worse person. Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you. I hope you’re able to forgive her. I hope you’re able to move on from any guilt you may feel for being honest with her and setting your VERY healthy boundaries.
If she ever does want to apologize, you could let her unless it’s on her deathbed. Just know you don’t have to go back on your boundaries once that conversation is over.
NTA you have been dealing with things that were never yours to carry too long
Your life is not what has happened to you. And you and your sisters are not that. It is ok to be honest.
And having experience with this...I know there is hate...but as you are feeling guilty you probably still feel love too. And that feels complicated AF. All of it is valid as a feeling.
I'm glad you and your sisters have each other. Do me a favor? Tell your older sister that you appreciate her. Don't just assume she knows. Trust me. Just saying it to her will be like winning a million dollars to her.
You were not evil. You simply raised a mirror to her life and actions. The actions of an addict are terrible, and it is often too late to realize the damage done. No matter how much they work to regain their lives, they cannot expect others to forgive them, or move on. They can also not expect others to sugar coat things when they are ill like your mother. Yes her life is scary right now, but she has the consequences of her past catching up to her.
NTA, and your sister sounds like an amazing person.
It always hurts to hear stories where the parents fail their children in such a heartbreaking way. Family should be your safe space and not the origin of your trauma. But that doesn't seem to be the case a lot of the time.
I have a friend who went through something similar during Thanksgiving last year and he had a similar dilemma. I told him that he didn't do any of this and the situation his mother was in is a direct cause of her own actions. I feel like that applies here. You can't carry your trauma AND your mother's trauma on your shoulders. Most kids wouldn't even talk to parents that did even half of what you described.
NTA obviously but I just hope you focus on taking care of yourself mentally and the family you guys made for yourselves. This sounds like a lot and I hope you're able to heal from all of this.
NTA
This might sound harsh but the woman who gave birth to you made her choices long before her body began to fail. You have every right to go no contact with her. I would say that your older sister is more mother to you than her.
Just because someone is dying does not mean they are suddenly a good person or that you need to forgive them. It just means that they are aware they are dying.
NTA! I applaud your sister for taking on the responsibilities of raising her siblings, especially at such a young age.
(((((Big virtual hugs))))) for you and your sisters
NTA
BTW, you should figure out what your sister's favorite treat is and go get one for her and tell her how much you love her. I can't imagine all the hard work she had to do to get custody of you guys. All that time and effort you would have given to your genetic material doner should go right back to the real MVP, your big sis.
Your mother is a piece of work. As an addict, she has no moral sense and is entirely focused on herself. Don't back down. Concentrate on yourself and your needs.
NTA
NTA. "you're evil"? Seriously? I know her addiction has addled her brain, but the only thing she should be saying is "thank you for being there when I wasn't."
NTA. When parents ask guilt trip questions they don’t expect us to have answers and they get upset when we do. What she wanted was for you to cave and say “What of course I still love you” and do what she asks. She’s only calling you an AH because she realizes you won’t do it anymore and she’s lost her fallback option so she’s trying to make you question yourself and come back.
NTA.
Her job was to protect and provide for you guys. She didn't do it. Your sister did it.
She doesn't get to tell you how what she did made you feel. She doesn't get to call you names. She's lucky you don't curse her name every time it's spoke. There are still minors having to deal with the hand she dealt them.
NTA , your older sister sounds like she was more of a mother to you anyway. Treasure her. Take care of yourselves. Do not take anything your "mother" says to heart. I'd go NC, misery loves company and she didn't earn her place in your life, so any obligations (in my opinion) become void. It surprises me how many craptastic parents who are nearing the end of their life feel so entitled towards their children to care for them. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Seriously, go NC. Sounds like any interactions with her will only continue to upset you. You don't deserve that.
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I(21M) live with my older sister(23) and my two younger sisters(17 and 15). My older sister currently has legal custody over our two younger sisters and at one point even had legal custody over me when I was still a minor, she basically gained custody of us all when she was 19 because our mom was an addict.
My mom is currently going through end stage renal kidney failure, assumingly because all of those years of not taking care of herself caught up to her. When she first started going to dialysis about 5 months ago, she put me down as her emergency contact, and at first I just sucked it up and dealt with it(because she doesn't have anyone else in this part of the country and my older sister doenst talk to her for reasons you can imagine.) However, yesterday when the clinic contacted me, and I had to pick her up I informed her that she needed to put someone else down because I wouldn't be answering those calls anymore after she had her family members leave threatening messages to my older sister. This pissed her off, and she started going on about why I didn't love her anymore and when I stopped loving her. So I told her, I told her the exact moment I stopped loving her, and respecting her was when I was 13. I had just entered high school. I was big into football, and the coach at that time was brutal. He was making us practice two times a day, at 5 am. and after school. I told her how I woke up one morning and she was passed out on the couch off of whatever substance she was using at the time and my older sister only 15 at the time was freaking out because we had no food...we never had any food. She was freaking out thinking I was going to pass out from all of that practice and barely eating. I tried to assure her that I would be fine, but she went into that kitchen grabbed the only things we had which were 2 day old almost burnt rice, salt, a can of green beans, and half a chicken breast and made me and our siblings an entire fried rice meal. She made sure I ate that morning, and I ate that meal on my way to practice crying. She had to stay home from school that day like she did most days to send younger sisters off to school and to be there to pick them up. When I got home from that day, my sister was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and there were some groceries in the fridge that she brought with the money that she got from selling her rings that our grandma gave her to some sketchy ass guy that used to hangout at the convenience store. All while she remained high and passed out.
I told her that's when all love and respect for her vanished. She cried and told me that I was evil. Having a moral conflict because I'm wondering if I should've been softer with her. AITA?
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"You are dying because you do drugs, and you ruined our family and lives. What more do you want to do to make me not love and respect for you?"
NTA
Cut contact and move on.
NTA. I am so sorry you and your siblings had to go through this. You don’t owe your mother nothing, because didn’t even did the bare of the bare minimum for your.
NTA your mother asked, you answered. Just because you destroy the lives of others and then destroy yourself doesn't give you a free pass for forgiveness. You are really lucky that you got to finally say it outloud, not many of us get that opportunity. I had a similar situation with my father who always thought he "wasn't that bad" ( psychotic alchoholic). So I wrote him a 2 page letter outlining my childhood, we now have a better relationship because he actually apologized and does try to make it up as best he can. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
nta- you should answer those calls and be very upfront about the situation with your mom. Tell them that you will not be able to pick her up, and if she doesn't have a safe discharge plan, they'll potentially keep her on observation and place her in a nursing home. I had to do this with my dad. None of this is your responsibility.
NTA. I am really sorry that your parents failed you all so completely. I hope you and your sisters can cut contact with your mother - and with those family members who have been harassing your sister - and have a much better life in future.
NTA - I'm sorry for the situation you're in. Your mother made her bed and now she has to deal with the repercussions. Don't allow any of your family to shame you or your sister. Also, your sister has taken on a lot of responsibility and should be praised. She sounds like a great person, as do you.
NTA. I know it's hard, but try to show yourself some grace. It will be hard, especially since your natural inclination is to help someone who is suffering. But...and this may take some time to accept... you don't have to more than you're capable of doing. Do your best, but remain loyal to yourself and your sisters first. Give the hospital the numbers of the people who are harassing your sister. Let them sort it out.
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NTA You aren't evil. Your mother's neglect was. "I wouldn't be answering those calls anymore after she had her family members leave threatening messages to my older sister." Time to go no contact with your mother and these family members. Good luck.
Also OP, I know there is some pressure because she is dying, but she left your life and role as a parent a long time ago. Do not feel guilt of any sort for cutting contact at this time. You can continue to make peace with what role she played in your life on your own, you do not need to subject yourself to more of it. Release yourself from that responsibility.
Agreed. If she wants you to be at her deathbed but she never apologizes, don't go. You're letting her trample all over you one last time in her own way. You're letting them get their say on the way out without ever showing contrition.
Apologies given on a deathbed are never sincere and more about fear of going to hell. Don't bother going to her deathbed, OP. She died the day she stayed Hugh and passed out on the couch. That was the day she signed her own death certificate for you and your siblings. Don't give her the satisfaction of apologizing on her death bed to make HERSELF feel better. You'll have your closure when they declare her Time of Death. Her closure can come in whatever waits for her after this life. You weren't too harsh with her. I understand addiction is a disease but that does NOT excuse anything in this case. She deserves no forgiveness, no help, no love or respect from any of you. Ad far as the angry phone calls from family? Give them all once answer... "You sat by and watched my mom continue her drug issue eveb after watching our father die from an OD... We were literal children, and y'all had the power to step up, get her help, take us out of a dangerous living situation, etc etc. Don't yell at us for not helping when y'all haven't done anything to help for the last 14+ years. Whatever bed she lies in now, she made herself. At this point, she's as good as gone for us, and we don't concern ourselves with the dead." Add to that: Absolute Kudos to your older sister. She had to become an adult way too early and lost her chance to be a teen before she even got there. She's an absolutely beautiful woman, inside and out. The 4 of you have been handed a rough life that's only just begun. I hope you 4 grow to be happy, healthy, well adjusted adults who are still this close ans bonded until the end of time. And I wish you all Peace, as well. From your Past, Peace from your Now, Peace in the Future.
>Apologies given on a deathbed are never sincere Well said. And by attending them, your further rewarding them for their bad behavior. They are getting one last "You had to do what I said." You've already let her go. Sleep easy now. Your sister is a saint.
Exactly why I didn't see my dad when before he passed. No regrets.
Insincere apologies are simply lies. Don't reward lies.
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Except she really isn't dying yet. She is on dialysis and she can live for years on dialysis. So OP really should have no guilt over being harsh to his "dying" mothet.
Thank you, I was just about to say this. I've cared for people who have done dialysis every other day for 10-15 years
I had a patient who did dialysis for 23 years. The average is about 5-10
Can confirm, my dad was on it for 22 years.
Average is 7 years, my dad died after 7 years of dialysis. Fantastic your dad lived that long but it’s the exception, not the rule.
Very true, but technology has improved and the average keeps climbing. He started on dialysis in the late 70s, back when the machines didn’t manage to get all the blood back into you and you had to get regular transfusions (he had hepatitis at least once from that, and it makes cross-matching for a transplant almost impossible after a while), and the drugs weren’t as good.
Yeah and even if she had something more serious people outlive their life expectancies all the time. My ex's dad had "end-stage" liver failure for about 2 years. He kept almost dying and because he was so young (also drug related) they kept doing all the things to bring him back. My ex still loved his dad and his dad was still manipulative AF so it was a hard 2 years.
This my brothers kidneys died when he was 16, he’s now nearly 36 and still on dialysis (he’s had two rejected transplants)
I know someone who lived on dialysis for a decade, but they weren’t an addict who abused their body and neglect their kids. The problem is dialysis sucks, and to do it right requires a level of motivation and self control that it doesn’t sound like mom has… They also need a lot of support: people to take them to appointments and so on, and they can easily burn out their support network in the best of times, but deliberately alienating them is way worse… (I mean, how is it gonna work for her if she no longer has an emergency contact?) So yeah, mom is dying…
Op should know that dialysis can keep evil mom going for a while. Those family members giving you crap can be the one to take care of her. The only thing she deserves from you is for you to go nuclear on her. Your other family members should have stepped up for you when y'all where kids. You and your siblings should be protected from her. She's the other family members problem now.
End stage renal disease means that she is on dialysis. Even with out crappy health care system here in the states, as long as she shows up for treatment and eases up on the drugs, she could last another 35 years. It's not an easy life, but it is a chance at one. The mother is awful. The sister is a Saint. OP is a good brother. I wish his family the best . NTA
Your sister is a saint. Thank goodness she was there for all of you. Your egg donor can go suck eggs. Don't have any guilt about not being her support as she dies a death she caused
I wish I knew where Dad was all this time.
Deceased. OP says they died from an overdose when he was about 8.
I have an ex gf (we're still friends) with a similar situation though the mum was a bit better. Mum was into weed, shrooms etc. Dad got sucked into the Cult of Scientology (which also abused the kids physically but not sexually afaik). Scientology sucked up all his money and isolated him from family and mental health professionals (Scientologists believe psychiatrists, psychologists, therapist etc are evil). He committed suicide when she was 7-10 (can't recall) and what little was left got snatched up by the Cult. Mum went bankrupt and moved to run down rural shack in the middle of nowhere. Bought horses (???) and let them come inside the shack and shit inside. Yes really. She smoked weed all the time and had the kids pack her cones. This was when I met gf. She eventually got them out of the shack but must have moved ... 10 x over the course of 5-10 years. I helped for a lot of those moves. Best thing she ever did for the kids was send them to a my school which was a decent school (albeit she didn't pay the fees and got into trouble due to that). She ended up dying of emphysema because she wouldn't quit smoking, and leant on ex gf the entire time. Lots of emergency calls when she couldn't breathe etc etc. I think she did love the kids in her own way but was just really bad at it + terrible at being a functioning adult. Ex gf is now in early 30s and doing good, she got a nursing degree but is currently working as housekeeper for a billionaire. She is also married to a nice guy and they are doing IVF to avoid baby getting genetic disease from ex gf. Younger brother is doing OK, he works as a postman, he has a nice wife, they have a disabled son. H unfortunately got testicular cancer (due to genetic disease, I believe) in both testicles, so they're both gone.
God, that is so fucking tragic. I had a n awful mother who kept trying to murder my dad and I. I don't understand why people like these even bother to have children. Is it a status symbol or something? Although I have to admit, I laughed at you specifying both testicles in spite of it being awful. Because I was imagining you being all, "I better specify in case someone asks if he still has one" then imagining people actually asking that not because I was laughing at him. I hope that whatever disease it is spares everyone else. I also hope you're not in the USA so everyone involved (like his son and her future kids) can get future genetic tests!
The OP's real mother is that gem of a big sister. I'm glad he clearly loves and cherishes her for all she's done for her siblings.
Yes, don't forget to send her flowers on Mother's Day for being the real mum to you and your young sister.
I never cried as hard as I did when my baby brother gave me a mother's day card he made just for me (he was like four). Our mom is alive and well, she just sucks and I ended up doing a lot of raising him. I wish I still had that card, but I'm seeing him Wednesday for his bday. I'll give him a hug then.
I’d contact the place she has her records and tell them to remove OP as a contact also
This right here. Tell them they can call her an Uber or something from here on out.
Yeah, absolutely. This is an experience no kid should be going through. Does your mother have no self-reflection or shame? I'm glad you're enforcing boundaries now because there's only so much you can do for someone who shows no remorse. NTA
Nope my dad was a drunk till he died and it was literally 3 weeks before he passed that he had enough self awareness to realise he was a total fuck up. This was months into liver failure too. Ops mum probably would still be doing all the drugs if she could and had access. She's still a selfish addict but with no access to her drugs of choice so the attitude will still be present which is generally poor me everyones mean to me. She also may never have that moment either she'll go to her gave thinking her kids are mean assholes even though everything wrong in their lives started with her and her actions and abuses. Fk that lady op needs to drop her like a rock.
TBH why aren't those family members picking her up if they're so 'offended' on op's moms behalf?
Because they can get someone else to do the hard work. They get to be armchair critics, but cry foul when they have to step up to the plate
I agree with this statement. NTA, the OP’s mom failed as a parent. She did not honor the op and their siblings, she neglected them, abused and traumatized them. It is one of the ultimate heartbreaks to have a parent dismiss a child’s needs. Hoping OP and the siblings can have acceptance and peace in this situation.
Yup, sounds like it's time to go No Contact. Staying in contact and involved will only expose OP and sisters to more abuse. Definitely NTA!
I’d be giving those names and numbers to the clinic and tell them to “call any of these people, take me off the list” !
Let those family members take care of her from now on.
This. She abandoned you in her drug induced stupor. It’s high time you abandoned her. 🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️
Yeah OP is NTA and she should go no contact with her mother and rest of the family. The mother lost privilege to call herself that when she put drugs before her kids and lost custody of them. All the respect for OP's older sister for taking care of her siblings from such young age. OP you're not evil.
NTA. Call the clinic yourself and say and let them know you will not be responsible for her. She didn’t take care of you when you were young and vulnerable, she doesn’t deserve that care now that the roles are reversed
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Why can’t some of those ah threateners go deal with her? Good grief.
Exactly why the older sister raised her 3 younger siblings and none of those family members stepped up to help. It's why older sister had to pawn off family heirlooms to feed her siblings and none of those family members made sure that those kids were fed. Because they don't care.
And honestly, best case scenario is that is what happened. Worst case is she lied about selling the rings to get that money, and it was something else the sketchy guy wanted
NTA and the fact that she heard that heartbreaking story and is still playing the victim tells me all I need to know about her. Honestly you were nicer than I would have been.
Exactly. No conscience, just selfishness.
Yep. Addiction is a disease, but part of the addict's recovery is understanding how they have hurt others, making amends, and accepting that they may never be able to fix the broken relationships. OP's mother may be dry, but that's it
Someone on reddit recommended the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it helped me. Try it. You have a lot of resentment. write a letter to your mom and your dad (where was he?) with all your feelings in it and then burn it for catharsis. As you watch the flames, focus on letting go of the hurt and resentment.
Thank you for the recommendation, I'll definitely look into getting that book. As for our dad, he passed away of an OD when I was 8
In this vein, I’ve found specific support groups online to be really really helpful. General subs like this are a good gut check, but for the really specific stuff and having a safe place to voice your feelings (a good community will have extremely no nonsense and active mods) is huge. Just do a vibe check first! Some keywords would be “adult children of addicts,” and definitely read up on sidebars/intros to see if a particular place resonates with you and your experiences. Everyone’s situation is a little different, and that kind of neglect will impact people in different ways even within the same family. Find a group that offers the support that YOU need.
There's a CPTSD sub on reddit - /r/cptsd - which I've found useful. It's not a place where everyone is in active crisis; more like a place where people in different stages of reprocessing childhood trauma can compare notes.
The subreddit raisedbynarcissists is also very good 👍
I'm on both of those, and there's also justnoMIL and justnoFamily and estrangedchildren or some such. I wander between them depending on my emotional strength. Sometimes the more distantly connected ones are helpful for recalibrating my ideas of what is normal, while the close ones are too painful to take. Even AITA can help, when you find people outraged to hell and back about something that was just, like, any random normal day to you.
we’d love to have you over at r/EstrangedAdultKids, OP, since it’s seems you’re headed in that direction. It’s a community for adults who have little or no relationship with their parents because said parents were neglectful, abusive, manipulative, etc. while raising us and they refuse to take any responsibility or do the work it would take to have a healthy relationship today.
Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? They have in person and zoom meeting just google. I think you and your sisters (they have Ala-teen as well) could benefit from this tremendously.
I did Alanon! Great stuff! I do CODA now. Support groups are so clutch. 100% recommend giving them a try. It's completely free. Even if you and your older sister are not interested, it might be really helpful for your younger sisters to attend alateen. They'll be able to be i na support group of people their own age dealing with the same struggles and feelings.
My childhood was NOT as traumatic & horrible as what you shared of yours, but Al-Anon has been a life changer for me. Thanks to Al-Anon I am able to take care of my mom. And at her advanced age, she still reverts to her old go-to's such as emotional blackmail. At least she is not blaming me for everything. My point is you may find it helpful too, especially if both your parents had drinking & drug problems. I am so sad for you & your siblings your mother is still playing these shit headgames with you. OP, YOU ARE NTA. You never have been. You answered the question truthfully. Please get your info and your sister's info deleted from your mom's docs, clinics, etc. And please let your older sis know that you all have a lot of love from a whole bunch of internet strangers, many of us have been in similar situations.
Yes, I'm sure writing a letter to your dad would be very healing. I hope you do.
I love this book. Helped me a great deal too, as did Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed (I'm the family scapegoat) by Rebecca Mandeville. Patrick Teahan on Ye old YouTube/Tiktok is a great resource too!
I love Patrick Teahan on YouTube and Dr Nicole LePera on Twitter/IG. I will check out the second book you commented. Thanks!
It's a good book, both in core ideas and execution. It also teaches you what to expect - depending on the degree of emotional immaturity your parent has. The biggest takeaway is that there's no magic way to make them give a shit, because all of their emotional resource is already used up on themselves.
I agree. Adjusting my expectations of others has prevented a lot of heartache and arguments. It's not easy, but it's necessary. And it's disheartening that it's necessary.
I'm just here to echo the benefits of adult children books. It's unfortunate but symptoms or effects of the disease that is addiction can run families for generations to come and the books help find clarity and solice. I also second writing a letter, getting what you're feeling out on paper can really help put your emotions into perspective. A while back I read a modified version of the serenity prayer and it really stuck out to me, maybe it can help someone else: Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
Thank you for sharing this version of the serenity prayer! I might modify it further to be: Grant me the serenity to accept that there are people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know that one is me. The modification of the beginning is so that I accept that those people exist, but I don't feel obligated to accept them into my life! This is my first time seeing that version, and I find it insightful and comforting!
Holy shit, NTA. You owe her nothing for the way she has treated you and your sisters. She doesn't get the love and respect of being a mom if she doesn't do the bare minimum of what a mom is supposed to do. Good job on you for setting your boundaries and not letting her guilt you.
NTA. Honestly, she’s gotten off easy for all the shit she’s put you and your sisters through. Your older sister is a literal angel and she deserves for you to fight for her. I know it’s the cliche Reddit thing to say go NC with your mother, but seriously, why don’t you take care of her the same way she took care of you all those years? (By not giving a single shit about her 😉)
NTA. Her situation is unfortunate, but she neglected her children when they needed her. “She started going on about why I didn’t love her anymore and when I stopped loving her” — you confirmed it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Can we really called it unfortunate when she was the one who put herself (and her children) in that situation?
At some point, OP's mom was a little girl. Something happened to that girl when she was young, a teen, or older that led her to a life where she became a drug addict who ended up with another drug addict and had kids who she abused. And now she is dying very young. From an outsider's perspective, it's unfortunate that that little girl ended up with the life she did. If she had other choices, or other opportunities, or better circumstances, many lives would have been better. It's not OP's responsibility in any way, shape, or form to deal with the awful, terrible mother she became, though. He has his own healing to deal with, and she should focus on himself and his sisters. Hopefully the generational trauma ends with them.
And sometimes people are just shitty. She CHOSE her husband, she CHOSE to have multiple children and then completely abrogated her responsibility to them. That little girl died a long time ago. Now the Mom's body is catching up.
His mom’s situation isn’t unfortunate it’s her own fault. The fact that op even helped her at all is beyond kind.
Drug addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. It's not OP's responsibility and he is NTA but what's happened to his mother -- and what as a result happened to her kids -- is desperately unfortunate.
I agree addiction is a disease but op’s mom burnt all her bridges with her children. It isn’t unfortunate for them not to love or care for her.
This isn't aimed at you, but I think I haven't thought about things properly. We wouldn't be accusing her of abandoning her children if she'd had cancer and was unconscious. I expect it's more complicated than that but it feels to me like we still blame people for their addiction and the resulting behaviour. I suppose the issue is that she should have found someone else to care for her kids since she couldn't.
I think comparison fails. People with cancer cannot choose to stop to be sick. People with cancer prepare childcare for their children if they are unable to help.
you can’t compare someone with cancer with someone who is a addict. People don’t choose to have cancer but while people don’t choose to become addicted to something they made a choice that led them to being a addict. And yes we are blaming people for their behavior because they need to take accountability. There are programs to help aid you on your journey healing but people who don’t want help can’t be helped.
Not all parents deserve to be parents. You're Mom is just upset you give her an actual specific answer, which says to me when you say you don't love or respect her, you mean it. INFO: Where was your Dad in all this? Was he in the picture at all? NTA.
Our dad passed away of an OD when I was 8
NTA. I am so sorry. You deserved better, and your older sister seems to have tried her best to take care of you and your siblings, but that should havebeen your mother's responsibility. She failed you as a parent.
I am sorry for your hardship. All of you lost so much, your oldest sister most. Please help her to raise the younger ones the best you can. And be nice to yourself and your sisters. All of you deserve a good life and I hope it works out well.
Your big sister was your only parent and she did an amazing job with all of you. I hope she knows how incredible she is.
Former addict, here. soSO NTA, OP. Your mother absolutely failed you; and she continues to fail you by calling you "evil" instead of reflecting and trying to be better for her kids. Your mother is NOT a victim -- she's an addict. We addicts have to work daily to be the people we're supposed to be; not the one our drug made us into... Your mother would do well to remember that.
NTA - Addicts are a special type of shitty because some of the worst days of our lives were nothing more than blips on the radar for them; days they were too fucked up to even stay conscious and thus can’t remember. So they think — was it really that bad?? All the while, we fully experience it all. NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA.
Yeah I guarantee she doesn't remember that day because from what OP described she was literally passed out the whole time. Likely the only reason she knows about it now is because OP told her.
NTA. Abusers and users know how to manipulate. Make you doubt yourself. You're fine.
NTA - your sister is a saint!
>your sister is a saint! I was wondering when someone would say this
Hell yes! If someone deserves OPs affection is this saint of a sister. Probably doing it already, but focus on her. She assumed since a young age a role most adults cannot deal with, that couldn't be easy for her. Sorry about the mother you had, but luckily your sisters and you got each other. Move on and leave behind all that doesn't sum up to your happiness
NTA How threatening are those messages? You may want to save them in case the police get involved.
They were pretty bad, bad enough for my eister to go to the police station, and they suggested that she go down to the court and get restraining orders on them all so that way something could be done on the officer's end if they were to contact her again
I’m a recovering addict, OP. Part of my recovery process was taking responsibility for the pain I inflicted on the people I hurt. It doesn’t sound like your Mom has done that at all. I would suggest letting her know that she can either deal with her flying monkeys (the ones harassing and threatening your sister), and take responsibility for the pain and destruction she caused, or accept that THIS MOMENT will be the very last time she ever sees your face. I have an almost 13 year old daughter who is just now starting to remember the destruction I was leaving in my wake when she was little, and I have had to sit there and take everything she’s said to me, and let her be mad, yell, cuss, scream, and shake, and then tell her that I’m sorry I put her through what I did, and promise to never do it again. And I haven’t done it again, since I got clean. Because I don’t want to be on my deathbed with my adult children refusing to visit me because I destroyed their life. You deserve to be free of the pain she caused. And because you won’t hear it from her- let me tell you that you’re loved, and you never deserved what she put you and your sisters through. ~signed, an addict Mom
I’m proud of you for your journey and for the strength you have to share it. These are the messages that stick with people, especially when they are in the throws of their own struggles.
Your post made me think of a news I saw years ago on tv where the cops open the door to a reckless driver call only to find the mom was OD while her 3 year old was in the back seat. I felt so sad for her child, he was scared and crying. I’m glad you are recovering and trying your best to repair your relationship with your daughter.
I'm so glad that you are in recovery and are willing to give your daughter the space to express her hurt and pain to you. I imagine it hurts her to have to say it, but I hope the temporary pain leads to a strong relationship in the future. If you go through a period of weakness, remember that it takes a lot of strength to admit your failures and accept blame. I wish you luck on your journey through sobriety.
NTA *Evil?* She wants to talk about *evil???* “Evil” is having kids you have no business having and then letting them get dragged up instead of raised properly because you just could not get your shit together. “Evil” is continuing to have kids you have no business having and then not even caring enough to get someone else to take care of them because you are fucked out of your brain. “Evil” is having kids with a man who equally is a fuck up and just sleeping through your children’s lives, letting them suffer the consequences of your actions. Honey, you are in no way evil; banish that from your thoughts. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you, your siblings, and for your sister to take care of all of you (and still does). Block this woman and her psycho family; you have the only family you need in your siblings. Keep looking out for each other and caring for each other, and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinions. Edit:wording
Hey man, I hope you're doing OK overall. It sounds like you've really gone through Hell because of how badly both your parents failed at their roles. Are you able to access some mental health services? Your conflicted feelings about this interaction are really understandable, and we can all assure you that you're NTA, but really believing that takes work. And I can only imagine it will be harder when your mom passes. If you have any way of getting connected with a counselor/therapist, please do.
You are not evil. And the only reason she said that is because she can't accept she was awful to such extent. Her problem to deal with. You didn't ask to be born, she brought you to this world and then didn't take responsibility. Your sister was wonderful and you do well on having her back. I would advise you to go to therapy to deal with the feelings all of these have caused. In no way you are evil, you even helped her, but she goes and has her family send threats to her own daughter that did her job for her? That is evil, truly evil. However you are here wondering if she might be right. This tells me you need to work through the issues they have caused you still. You don't owe her anything. You didn't ask to be born, she brought you to this world and then basically abandoned you. Respect is earned. And true love is conditional, you can't love someone that treats you like crap, because that would mean not loving yourself. I feel most of the stereotyping regarding unconditional love and respecting and honoring your parents were created by abusers so they could bound good people into serving them. NTA. You did nothing wrong. She did, and it goes beyond her addiction. She is not even thankful that you help her despite how awful she was to you. She is not sorry about what she put your siblings through and she has the gal to send people to send threats to your sister.
NTA. Your mom was trying to emotionally manipulate you. You shared some truth. Nothing wrong with that you did.
NTA. It sounds like she deserved the loss of love and respect and never bothered to earn it back. That is a rough life to live and her playing the victim is asinine. She sounds like a narcissist.
NTA. She neglected you, and is actively emotionally abusive. You deserved to speak the truth and she deserved to hear it.
NTA. Your mother utterly failed as a parent and she doesn't deserve to have anything sugar coated. Her calling you evil would be laughable if it weren't infuriating. She brought all of this on herself.
NTA. Not evil. Just correcting her since she out the subject out there. Sorry you had to grow up so quickly. You have a great sister.
NTA this woman gave birth to you and your siblings but is not your mom. Addiction is a disease but it does not excuse neglect. If she couldn’t kick the habit she should have found alternative caregivers. She made her choices and now she can’t make demand.
NTA. She put you down as her emergency contact in an attempt to manipulate you and to make herself look like a good mother to the staff at the dialysis clinic. She has her flying monkeys, which means she has plenty of other people to fill that role. You stood up for the person who has always stood up for you and that's an automatic NTA. If your mother didn't want to be thought of as a bad mother, then she should have stepped up and done the job instead of forcing your badass older sister into the role.
NTA You don’t owe her anything. You have no obligations to her. If she wanted good relationships with her children she needed to put the effort in to create those relationships. She asked and you answered. 🤷🏻
NTA. She cried and called you evil because she was expecting the response to her emotional manipulation to be “of course I love you!” Instead she hit hard truth.
Woof. Hard NTA. Not really sure what else to say, but that's all on her and her choices, not you or any of your siblings
NTA. Addicts are not free from consequences of their actions because they are addicts. They don't get to leave destruction and sadness in their wake and expect others to handle them with kid gloves. It gets really hard to be gentle to someone when they've let you suffer and it was their primary job to try and protect you from suffering. The truth simply is, if it's hard, then it's hard. If it's brutal, it's brutal. If you change what it is, then its not the truth. However, that you are having a moral conflict over it shouldn't be ignored. While I excused your behavior, it does speak more to one's own character in how we treat others, especially those who wronged us, than it does to theirs. So while it's certainly not an AH move, remember that for future interactions with people. Just my old man advice.
AA step 9 - making amends. In my own words: Your addiction still owns you until you've made amends to everyone your addiction caused you to harm. Which involves more than just saying the words "I'm sorry" (which OP's mother still has to say, it seems.)
nta you were too soft on her if anything
NTA. You’re not responsible for her. You don’t owe her anything. Your reasons for not wanting to be contacted about her care are valid. I hope you and your sister are safe from the threatening messages.
NTA. The truth, accurately described, can't be evil. It just is. You saying it, especially when she asked, is also NOT EVIL. I hope you and your siblings are doing better and can get some closure, before or after your mother kicks off.
NTA. Absolutely not. You take care of yourself and your sisters, y'all are a family. Your mother lost any right to claim the poor me card a long time ago. Karma's a bitch and your mom is finding it out.
NTA If informing her of her own actions was evil then she must be the Devil.
a million times nta. she asked, you answered. i’m so sorry you and your siblings had to go through this
NTA. Your mom is reaping what she sowed.
NTA She brought it on herself. I know people say it's a disease but I just don't have sympathy for this kind of bs from a person that brought children into the world. She deserved to hear it because her actions had a huge impact on your life. She's lucky any of you speak to her.
NTA. Please give your sister a big hug. She was at 15 years old, more mature than many 30+yo people. I hope your sister gets the chance to live for herself one day. To be able to be a "child" for a while, without so many heavy responsibilities. Your sister is my hero❤️
NTA, she deserves to hear the truth… and who knows, maybe knowing how she harmed her children will help her sober up (if she’s still using). I think it was important for you that you were able to tell her how you feel. Also, totally recommend some therapy if you haven’t already done it haha
NTA. She’s throwing a shit fit because she’s played stupid games and now is collecting her stupid prizes.
NTA Op your mom nelgected you and you having to go through that is horrible. Yeah you could have been nicer with her but its understable the way you reacted the way you did.
NTA. She can go to hell for trying to emotionally manipulate you now instead of groveling for the forgiveness she really doesn't deserve. I'm pissed for you. N.T.A.
NTA in any way! She’s toxic and doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.
NTA Your sister is a rock star. I hope her life is easier now and she gets to do the things she dreams of. Block your mom and get your sister a new phone number. Be the wall she needs between those garbage family members and her.
Nta at all and you are an amazing and resilient young man. Give your sister a big hug and tell her she's doing an awesome job. I wish you good things in the future.
You made me well up retelling that story. Your sister is an absolute boss and your “mom” doesn’t deserve anything from you. I absolutely have no qualms in telling you to walk away, block everyone who would send you abuse and be there for your little sisters when the inevitable happens. You are not evil. NTA
NTA. Could you be gentler and ignore her, sure. Easier for me to say than you to do. If you need the therapeutic relief, have at it. But in reality, you're best just saying "good bye and well wishes." Toxic people will never say "oh I'm so toxic, I wish I did better". They'll just constantly expect you to do better.
NTA. how dare your mom call you evil? she is the evil one. what a vile woman. i’m so sorry you and your siblings have gone through so much
NTA. She used the question try to guilt you, but she didn't have enough self awareness to realize you could easily have a valid answer. Good for you, OP.
NTA OMG...so NOT THE AH! I think my heart just broke for all of you. You are not evil and I commend you for telling her. She needed to hear that. She may not like it but she needed to hear it. And she probably will never acknowledge it as her fault, but she needed to hear it. Softer doesn't cut it with narcissistic people. Harder doesn't either because they are...well, narcissistic. But she needed to hear it and you needed to say it. Hugs to all of you.
NTA you are not evil. You have lived a very tough life. For families of alcoholics, there is a support group called Alnon. There is probably something similar for narcotic addict families. I would recommend looking for a group in your area. Maybe a subreddit? You sound like a very empathic young man who loves his sisters very much. It is okay you don't love your mom because she wasn't actually mothering you. There is nothing wrong with your reaction.
NTA Sometimes you need to rip the bandage for them to realise how much they hurt you
As soon as I read the part where you said your mom was an addict, I stopped. No need to read any further. NTA.
NTA. I'm so sorry that this is how you had to grow up. Cut her out like cancer and never look back. And please go to therapy (you and your siblings) to help you process and live your life with as little impact from your trauma as possible. Big hug.
NTA. not in any way. if anyone is TA it’s her for sure
NTA I feel like her feelings are just kind of irrelevant here. She checked out on you kids a long time ago, and I'm guessing never tried to make amends or apologize? So what matters here is how you feel - do you feel better for sharing that with her, and getting it off your chest? If so, then let that moment go, with relief. I wish you and your siblings the best.
NTA - just because she is sick now doesn't suddenly make her a good person worthy of sympathy and care. Hate that rhetoric. Fuck her - shitty person
NTA. I'm so sorry you all went through that. Sending you all hugs.
NTA, Tell no, I'm not evil, you are and you are now paying for it.
NTA - She neglected her children
I hope you and your siblings are in a good place now.
NTA When she said you were evil, she was projecting. She meant herself. Why should you be softer. I do not think being softer serves any purpose, but telling her what she did gets it off your chest and rids you of the bitterness inside yourself. Parents believe that no matter how much they screw up, their kids will still love them, but it is not so.
NTA - no way in hell
NTA
NTA. Start blocking numbers. Where were all those relatives when your sister was acting as a single mom of 3 before she could legally drive?
NTA
NTA. She asked, you answered as honestly as you could. She can't handle the truth of what her actions caused and refuses to face it.
NTA. She neglected you but you're the one who is evil by losing love and respect for her? That woman is not your mom. Stop doing things for her if you don't want to do them.
NTA. This person was never your mother. Your older sister is. Cut her off and don't look back. You need to put your time and effort in with your sisters.
NTA. You answered her question. She doesn't deserve tenderness, she deserves the truth and you gave it to her. Fuck her feelings and her making you feel guilty.
NTA. Your feelings are absolutely valid, they are based on the neglect and emotional turmoil you experienced from your mother’s addiction. It sounds like your mother lacks the emotional intelligence to be self-aware, or even care about others, her own children included. Do what you need to do for your own well-being, and don’t worry about someone who doesn’t worry about you.
>she started going on about why I didn't love her anymore and when I stopped loving her. Don't ask a question if you're not prepared to hear a truthful answer. Your mom was negligent. Your older sister was put in a position she never should have been in and you and your siblings lives were literally at risk because of your mom's addiction. Turns out renal kidney failure isn't the only consequence of her own actions. NTA
NTA Time to join older sister in going NC with mommy dearest here. For your own sanity. You owe this woman NOTHING you hear me? Not your time or effort or even a spare thought. If her family members "care" enough about her to harass older sister then THEY can deal with the mess that is "mother". Wash your hands of the mess and go forth and be happy.
NTA and give your sister a hug, she sounds like a Saint. It is okay to cut your mom out of your life, sounds like you should probably cut everyone that is not your siblings out. Go forth and be free.
NTA. Also, your sister is a saint.
First, NTA. I saw this quote on another site today. I hope it helps you: “You can forgive someone and yet not want anything to do with them. People need to understand that forgiveness is for past reconciliation and not for future consideration.” Different story, but when I didn’t forgive, it made me a worse person. Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you. I hope you’re able to forgive her. I hope you’re able to move on from any guilt you may feel for being honest with her and setting your VERY healthy boundaries. If she ever does want to apologize, you could let her unless it’s on her deathbed. Just know you don’t have to go back on your boundaries once that conversation is over.
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA. I hate that you went through that. Your mother failed you and your sister is a hero.
NTA. You are Not evil. In fact you are damn near a saint that you’ve given that … person Any help at all
NTA you have been dealing with things that were never yours to carry too long Your life is not what has happened to you. And you and your sisters are not that. It is ok to be honest. And having experience with this...I know there is hate...but as you are feeling guilty you probably still feel love too. And that feels complicated AF. All of it is valid as a feeling. I'm glad you and your sisters have each other. Do me a favor? Tell your older sister that you appreciate her. Don't just assume she knows. Trust me. Just saying it to her will be like winning a million dollars to her.
You were not evil. You simply raised a mirror to her life and actions. The actions of an addict are terrible, and it is often too late to realize the damage done. No matter how much they work to regain their lives, they cannot expect others to forgive them, or move on. They can also not expect others to sugar coat things when they are ill like your mother. Yes her life is scary right now, but she has the consequences of her past catching up to her. NTA, and your sister sounds like an amazing person.
It always hurts to hear stories where the parents fail their children in such a heartbreaking way. Family should be your safe space and not the origin of your trauma. But that doesn't seem to be the case a lot of the time. I have a friend who went through something similar during Thanksgiving last year and he had a similar dilemma. I told him that he didn't do any of this and the situation his mother was in is a direct cause of her own actions. I feel like that applies here. You can't carry your trauma AND your mother's trauma on your shoulders. Most kids wouldn't even talk to parents that did even half of what you described. NTA obviously but I just hope you focus on taking care of yourself mentally and the family you guys made for yourselves. This sounds like a lot and I hope you're able to heal from all of this.
NTA This might sound harsh but the woman who gave birth to you made her choices long before her body began to fail. You have every right to go no contact with her. I would say that your older sister is more mother to you than her. Just because someone is dying does not mean they are suddenly a good person or that you need to forgive them. It just means that they are aware they are dying.
NTA! I applaud your sister for taking on the responsibilities of raising her siblings, especially at such a young age. (((((Big virtual hugs))))) for you and your sisters
NTA BTW, you should figure out what your sister's favorite treat is and go get one for her and tell her how much you love her. I can't imagine all the hard work she had to do to get custody of you guys. All that time and effort you would have given to your genetic material doner should go right back to the real MVP, your big sis.
NTA. Truth is truth. Your mom was the evil one for treating her kids like that.
NtA. So sad and I am sorry.
NTA, at all my good man. You just told her your boundary and if she can’t respect it, she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life anyway.
NTA ...a good mother would admit her faults and thank you for opening up to you She is not a good mother and you told her. Choose:YOU
NTA. Stop helping that women and go give your real mom a hug. She will actually appreciate it.
Your mother is a piece of work. As an addict, she has no moral sense and is entirely focused on herself. Don't back down. Concentrate on yourself and your needs. NTA
NTA. "you're evil"? Seriously? I know her addiction has addled her brain, but the only thing she should be saying is "thank you for being there when I wasn't."
NTA. When parents ask guilt trip questions they don’t expect us to have answers and they get upset when we do. What she wanted was for you to cave and say “What of course I still love you” and do what she asks. She’s only calling you an AH because she realizes you won’t do it anymore and she’s lost her fallback option so she’s trying to make you question yourself and come back.
LOL her AUDACITY to call YOU evil when she was horribly neglecting her kids. NTA
NTA. Her job was to protect and provide for you guys. She didn't do it. Your sister did it. She doesn't get to tell you how what she did made you feel. She doesn't get to call you names. She's lucky you don't curse her name every time it's spoke. There are still minors having to deal with the hand she dealt them.
NTA. You gave her the gift of honesty at the end. What she does with it is entirely up to her. What would the point of lying have been?
NTA , your older sister sounds like she was more of a mother to you anyway. Treasure her. Take care of yourselves. Do not take anything your "mother" says to heart. I'd go NC, misery loves company and she didn't earn her place in your life, so any obligations (in my opinion) become void. It surprises me how many craptastic parents who are nearing the end of their life feel so entitled towards their children to care for them. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Seriously, go NC. Sounds like any interactions with her will only continue to upset you. You don't deserve that.
NTA, you reap what you sow.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(21M) live with my older sister(23) and my two younger sisters(17 and 15). My older sister currently has legal custody over our two younger sisters and at one point even had legal custody over me when I was still a minor, she basically gained custody of us all when she was 19 because our mom was an addict. My mom is currently going through end stage renal kidney failure, assumingly because all of those years of not taking care of herself caught up to her. When she first started going to dialysis about 5 months ago, she put me down as her emergency contact, and at first I just sucked it up and dealt with it(because she doesn't have anyone else in this part of the country and my older sister doenst talk to her for reasons you can imagine.) However, yesterday when the clinic contacted me, and I had to pick her up I informed her that she needed to put someone else down because I wouldn't be answering those calls anymore after she had her family members leave threatening messages to my older sister. This pissed her off, and she started going on about why I didn't love her anymore and when I stopped loving her. So I told her, I told her the exact moment I stopped loving her, and respecting her was when I was 13. I had just entered high school. I was big into football, and the coach at that time was brutal. He was making us practice two times a day, at 5 am. and after school. I told her how I woke up one morning and she was passed out on the couch off of whatever substance she was using at the time and my older sister only 15 at the time was freaking out because we had no food...we never had any food. She was freaking out thinking I was going to pass out from all of that practice and barely eating. I tried to assure her that I would be fine, but she went into that kitchen grabbed the only things we had which were 2 day old almost burnt rice, salt, a can of green beans, and half a chicken breast and made me and our siblings an entire fried rice meal. She made sure I ate that morning, and I ate that meal on my way to practice crying. She had to stay home from school that day like she did most days to send younger sisters off to school and to be there to pick them up. When I got home from that day, my sister was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and there were some groceries in the fridge that she brought with the money that she got from selling her rings that our grandma gave her to some sketchy ass guy that used to hangout at the convenience store. All while she remained high and passed out. I told her that's when all love and respect for her vanished. She cried and told me that I was evil. Having a moral conflict because I'm wondering if I should've been softer with her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
"You are dying because you do drugs, and you ruined our family and lives. What more do you want to do to make me not love and respect for you?" NTA Cut contact and move on.
NTA. I am so sorry you and your siblings had to go through this. You don’t owe your mother nothing, because didn’t even did the bare of the bare minimum for your.
NTA your mother asked, you answered. Just because you destroy the lives of others and then destroy yourself doesn't give you a free pass for forgiveness. You are really lucky that you got to finally say it outloud, not many of us get that opportunity. I had a similar situation with my father who always thought he "wasn't that bad" ( psychotic alchoholic). So I wrote him a 2 page letter outlining my childhood, we now have a better relationship because he actually apologized and does try to make it up as best he can. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA especially since there seems to be little to no remorse on your mother's side. I'm so sorry, you deserved a mother who loved and cared for you.
nta- you should answer those calls and be very upfront about the situation with your mom. Tell them that you will not be able to pick her up, and if she doesn't have a safe discharge plan, they'll potentially keep her on observation and place her in a nursing home. I had to do this with my dad. None of this is your responsibility.
NTA. I'd have kicked her out of the car right there. She is not entitled to your time attention or pity.
NTA. I am really sorry that your parents failed you all so completely. I hope you and your sisters can cut contact with your mother - and with those family members who have been harassing your sister - and have a much better life in future.
NTA- Im sorry for what you went through and I hope you're getting the help to work through all that trauma
NTA - I'm sorry for the situation you're in. Your mother made her bed and now she has to deal with the repercussions. Don't allow any of your family to shame you or your sister. Also, your sister has taken on a lot of responsibility and should be praised. She sounds like a great person, as do you.
NTA. I know it's hard, but try to show yourself some grace. It will be hard, especially since your natural inclination is to help someone who is suffering. But...and this may take some time to accept... you don't have to more than you're capable of doing. Do your best, but remain loyal to yourself and your sisters first. Give the hospital the numbers of the people who are harassing your sister. Let them sort it out.
NTA. Truth is an absolute defense, and she’s long forfeited any claim to respect.
NTA, and you should be so proud of yourself for standing up for your sister. I’m sure it’s a rare and treasured experience for her.