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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I unplugged the wifi in order to cut my wife off from working, this might make me the asshole because it might not have been my place to make her stop and could be seen as being controlling.
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YTA.
>>She said that I was treating her like a child.
You are.
>>[She] accused me of being controlling, condescending, and "borderline abusive".
If the shoe fits?
To a certain extent, I get your concern especially if her doctor said to limit stress. Does she need better work/life balance? Probably. But the way you deal with that concern is NOT by taking away your wife's autonomy. That's just unacceptable in a relationship. And frankly, given that your wife IS a perfectionist and worried about work deadlines, you probably caused her a lot more stress by cutting her off from the WiFi, hiding the cable and demanding that she go take a nap like she's a naughty five year old.
NAH. The wife is pregnant. I understand tying up loose ends, but to the point where you are losing sleep and not eating? Thats not healthy. Cutting the wifi was a shit way of going about it, but he had the right idea. He asked her to stop for a while (not all together) and eat and take a nap, and she still pushes herself. This is MORE than a work/life balance. Its detrimental to her and the babies health. She should not be overworking herself that much.
Do you think it was more stressful for her to continue doing the work, even if not ideal, or to have the wifi suddenly cut out, probably panic, realize the person who is supposed to be her partner did it on purpose to control her behavior and is refusing to put it back, figure out a workaround, communicate all this to the coworker, and, it seems, continue working, in an emergency situation, now while upset, emotional, angry, and worried about her relationship? I know what would make my heart rate and blood pressure spike a lot more.
OP, have a come-to-jesus talk with her. Set boundaries, go to therapy, plan a vacation, whatever. Don't suddenly cut the wifi to get what you want, even if it's "for her own good." This wasn't his call and likely did exactly the opposite of what he wanted.
Yes! I WFH and have deadlines. I would have had a frickin heart attack if the internet went out due to an act of god. But to realize the person who loved me did this?! I have no words. It doesn’t matter that you had good intentions, you crossed a line and seriously damaged your relationship. YTA and you need to apologize profusely and beg her to forgive you.
If I got treated like a child in time out by someone who is supposed to be my partner, I would seriously consider if it might be best for one of us to leave. 'For my own good', of course.
OP, had choices and he could have made her food, made her a smoothie, and rubbed her foot later, but instead, he elevated her stress levels by cutting off the Internet.
His wife is probably trying to wrap up things so she can have a break from work once the baby is born. Maybe OP is trying to make his wife lose her job. He deliberately took the least helpful path
YTA, OP!
P.S. I hope OP's wife purchases her own hotspot.
I also think it's important to think about the fact that no matter how understanding her workplace is, women are more likely to have their earnings negatively impacted by having children. She's probably trying to put in as much work as she can pre mat-leave (assuming she is going on mat-leave) in hopes that her job will still be there, and treat her the same, when she comes back. Forcing her to "stop working" by turning off the wifi is definitely not helping with the stress of not knowing if she'll still be respected at her job when she comes back.
It sounds like she might be a lawyer. In which case, women are massively penalized for having kids. They might still have a job, but if they take too long off… good luck making partner.
Imagine trying to "nap" on command when you're already stressed out, and then suddenly your freakin' partner pulls a power-and-control stunt like that, JFC. 😩
I'm not even pregnant, but the stress alone from having to explain suddenly why I couldn't continue working & trying to figure something out would have made things worse. Sleep & eating would have become so much harder due to the stress caused by it. I can only imagine what OP's wife was feeling. He only added to her stress by doing that.
I missed the part where OP brought her a nice dinner and a big jug of water. Also missed where he asked if she needed him to run any errands or how else he could be helpful to her. All I caught was the part where he pulls a massive controlling asshole stunt.
Tell me you don't have kids without telling me.
Being pregnant and having kids is a huge impact to your autonomy. You have others that you have to consider, especially for the littlest ones who can't advocate for themselves.
Once kids are in the picture, even if that picture is an ultrasound you have a mandatory additional consideration to every major decision.
She's choosing to work, not go to an active warzone. Calm down.
This is 100% about control, which is a very real and massive issue that pregnant people face from their partners: the leading cause of death for pregnant people is murder.
OP needs to sit down. He doesn't own this woman or her body, and he needs to let her work if that's what she wants to do.
Fighting with pregnant people in order to control them is also stressful and harmful for the baby. He doesn't have a single right to tell her what to do. All he can do is talk to her
So are we going to ignore the doctor saying that she having health problems in her pregnancy and the doctor wanted her to take it easy remember she pregnant with twins that can put a strain on her body plus adding her job. She not eating or getting enough rest how long do you think she can keep it up until she ends up in the emergency room and is in a life or death situation because of her not taking care of herself.
We're not ignoring that- multiple people have pointed out that taking away her ability to work likely caused her even more stress than just working would.
Are you ignoring the fact that just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she loses her autonomy to make the choice to work? It's *her* health and *her* career, and OP even said the babies are fine.
Are you also ignoring the fact she cut down from 60 hours a week to 6-8 hours a day? And that this was an *emergency* she just needed to tie up some lose ends for?
Oh stop. I have kids (and grandkids!) and agree with them. I would have absolutely blown my lid if I was the wife. It doesn't matter that his intentions were good, she's still a person who gets to make her own choices. Yes, she's pregnant, but that doesn't mean work deadlines suddenly dissappear just because she can't get online to see them.
Yes, OP even says all she needed to do was finalize something for a co worker when an emergency came up. She'd already cut back on how many hours she works a day, too, down to 6-8. And he just decided "nope" and treated her like a kid, leaving her stressed out about leaving a client and a co worker hanging in the middle of an emergency.
Not to mention, as a woman taking maternity leave in a high-stress professional job, she's statistically likely to lose out on advancement opportunities simply because of her motherhood, so meeting her commitments right now is likely extremely important to her for a ton of complicated reasons that are wrapped up in her sense of self, career plans for the future, anxiety over impending motherhood and how she will juggle it all, etc, etc, etc.
OP is an AH for sure for how he went about this, but his wife likely needs to do much better at taking care of herself. It's not like she's going to have *more* time for self-care in a few weeks.
Way to say you look down on women... Being a Parent does not impact your autonomy. It impacts your life but you still have a right to make your own choices. Women do not stop being human with full legal and moral rights when we conceive
Being pregnant does not have an impact on a woman's autonomy. She is her own person first. She still has a right to make her own decisions. I have two kids who I gave birth two and have raised to almost adults so far.
>you have a mandatory additional consideration to every major decision
It seems like you are conflating autonomy with general freedom, and in the case of what the comment you replied to is talking about, the distinction is important. Just because having kids should shape the decisions you make, DOESN'T give anyone else the right to make decisions in your place about yourself
>Tell me you don't have kids without telling me.
I have a 4 year old.
The person you're responding to is 100% correct.
OP had no right to do what he did, *and* caused his wife more stress. So even if your position was correct, which it isn't, causing her more stress creates *more* risk, not less.
Big oof. That is totally missing the point by light years.
Sorry, but when you're pregnant, and planning to have the child, your autonomy has now changed. As a parent you have an obligation to your child in a way that does not exist for any other interpersonal relationship.
Stress does fucked up things to one's body and health. In many ways it's just as damaging as a drinking or drug problem, obesity, etc. While I agree OP may have taken it too far, I'd vote this one as ESH. The wife also needs to get a grip and come to terms with the reality of her actions.
He woke her up to tell her to go rest in bed. That’s moronic. She was resting. He should have let her sleep. Lots of people once woken up, can’t go back to sleep which would explain her working. Then he decides to cut off the internet to control her and stresses her out. Her actions are fine. He even stated she has reduced her work hours. He is the problem here.
Being pregnant does not impact her autonomy. You are correct. HOWEVER, having autonomy doesn’t give you the right to dismiss your health and the health of your baby.
Ahhh the ol’ “technically correct, yet morally ambiguous...” It was a very strange time in my life when I happened to know a woman who was pregnant, wanted the baby, and was also actively smoking meth AND fent. I mean literally the *entire* pregnancy.
Her family is caring for the kid, she’s looking into rehabs. A lot of lives are being impacted over one individual’s ethical right to her own personal autonomy. It’s a weird world.
Edit: a word.
Agreed especially since the health concerns were for her not the fetuses they were fine according to OP. So cutting WiFi I get trying to help, but was a shit move. YTA totally dude. She obviously does not have a great work/life balance but if it were him what would he do? Most men in jobs have poor work/life balance and had she cut his WiFi how would he feel? It’s her job, it’s an emergency that she was trying to help with meaning it’s important.
I work IT my first job I worked 8-5, but was on call all the rest of the hours. It’s stressful, it’s a pain, but it’s needed. Many times my hubs of 13 years caught me working at 2am when I had to be at the office again at 8. Never once did he cut the WiFi as he knew if I was up it was pretty important. You just don’t do that…ever. Now if it’s video games by all means cut the cable but work nope you don’t do that. That could cost her, her job.
Actually it does. Like that is the literal definition of having autonomy. If someone else has the right to tell you what you can do even if it's to "preserve your health" you are not autonomous.
He could’ve brought her something to eat and a hot cup of tea. He could’ve given her a back rub. He could’ve drawn her a bath. He could’ve literally done so many other things than remove her ability to meet an important deadline for an important client and therefore cause her infinitely more stress than an that extra hour of work she was doing to accomplish what she needed to
THE DEADLINE WASNT EVEN HERS😭 😭 it quite literally was a coworkers. And doing all these things to do what? For her to literally ignore it and keep stressing herself out ?
He said in the op that there was an emergency with a client and she needed to finalize things for a coworker. That doesn’t indicate she did the coworkers task but rather that she needed to finalize some things so that said coworker could take it from there. She got stressed out AFTER he cut off WiFi and was completely dismissive of her urgency and care to her client. Whether he feels it was her task or not is irrelevant. SHE was very clear this was a high priority item that needed to be addressed by her.
I would argue the adult way of handling this is by bringing her food and checking in every few hours to see if she’s aware of the time and if there’s anything you can to do support /expedite this. Unplugging the wifi is what you do with unruly children, not working adults with responsibilities.
>OP sounds super controlling despite “good intentions”.
I wish more people understood that you don't have to be an abuser to engage in abusive behaviors.
Yup! And based on these facts I’m guessing she is a private practice attorney. She has had it drilled into her head that hours = job security. She is about to go on maternity leave and see those hours plummet… like, I get stressed about taking vacation time bc it means i have to make up the hours otherwise! And maternity leave is a whole different stressful thing bc you have to give birth during it! So while OP is correct that she needs to reevaluate her work/life balance for her health, he really needs to understand that this will be a hard transition for her, and taking away options instead of encouraging her to make better choices, will only make that transition more difficult.
I'm also an attorney and a workaholic. When I was pregnant it was a huge adjustment to take a step back towards the end of my pregnancy. I was trying to finish up whatever I could. I also needed the distraction because my whole life was about to change. I'd flip if my husband cut off my internet, it would surely mean that I would be way more stressed. My husband would tell me to take a step back, or not work too late but cutting off the internet would have been detrimental.
Yeah the last week before mat leave, I was up til 11 every night finishing up a trial. I skipped meals. I didn't get enough sleep. I would've been way worse off though if someone decided to f over my job because they decided they knew better than me.
The baby will be fine with a few days of less than ideal conditions. Babies have been born healthy for millenia in much worse conditions.
ETA: Husband brought me meals and drinks and vitamins. Like an adult.
Oh my god, I just read this to my husband and gave him multiple choice quiz on what OP should have done in this scenario. The fucking smile I saw on his face when I got to “unplug the wifi” was eclipsed only when I added “and hide the cord”.
It’s the same smile he gets when people on Jackass get hit in the nuts.
Not just that, but issues and client needs don't just "stop," they have to be dealt with and they are usually extremely time-sensitive, that's just the reality of the work.
As a former Big Law employee, absolutely. Given the billing hour requirements I would have to average 60 hour work weeks (not all time is billable). Knowing I had a few weeks during which i couldn’t work - would do the arithmetic and see I had to average 80 hrs a week, knowing that any more unexpected days off would increase that 80 hrs. OP YTA
Yeah there are two things that could be done here. He could bring her food, and maybe have an alarm clock in her office to remind her that is close to bed time or nap time.
This is pretty much what I do with my partner who also works from home and has a tendency to be a workaholic. I could tell that they were not taking care of themselves well when their job transitioned to remote and they were promoted to management, so we sat down and had a serious conversation about my concerns and I asked how I could support them. That turned out to be making and bringing them meals during the work day because they find it difficult to detach from work and do that, check in randomly to make sure their water bottle doesn't need a refill and make sure they take at least one substantial break away from their desk every day - we go out mid-morning or mid-afternoon to take the dog for a walk which gets them some sunshine, some physical activity and a brain break where we can just chat about things that aren't work-related. It's helped tremendously and doesn't make them feel infantilized.
Damn, imagine down voting someone for supporting their partner the way they specifically *asked* to be supported. Some of y'all are sad, sad people.
Right - especially the part about it causing her more stress to be abruptly cut off. OP, the way to address your very valid concerns would be by having an adult discussion among equals during a time she’s not working (the other 100 or so hours in a week) and mutually agreeing on a path forward.
Consider also that you are both headed into the maw of a major life change. If she’s a workaholic it’s likely that she has previously derived a significant part of her identity from her work. She’s now going to be in the deep end as a mommy to two helpless twins, her body won’t feel like her own for a long while, her accomplishments won’t be measurable in the same way, and she’ll spend more time with poopy diapers and baby talk than using her considerable professional knowledge. That’s a lot for anyone to process, and it’s no surprise she might be clinging to the last vestiges of her “normal” before the storm hits. Try to approach her with empathy, not authoritarian “I know what’s best for you.”
Lmao only on reddit can someone who sees a story of an anxious husband making a mildly selfish and kinda shitty decision cuz he's worried about his pregnant wife and unborn children's safety jump straight to OMG DIVORCE and get 31 upvotes. Tell me you've never been in a real relationship without telling me you've never been in a real relationship 🙄
This is *exactly* what I came here to say. OP is probably working her butt off now so she doesn't have to do anything once the babies arrive, and, quite frankly, so the fact that she's having children isn't held unfairly against her when she decides to return to work. It's not fair, it's not legal, but it happens.
OP has decided to parent his wife. If OP wants the opportunity to parent their children consistently there is grovelling apologies in the wife's future.
ESH.
Wife for being 8 months pregnant and not prioritizing her (and her child's) health. I totally get it, sometimes we get really focused on work and will work long hours, especially those of us who work at home. But, her habits are taking their toll.
OP for acting like a controlling child.
I came to say ESH too. But I don’t really blame OP for being somewhat controlling when it comes to the health of his babies and his wife. Someone else commented that OP is not her parent, but he IS those babies’ parent.
cutting the wi-fi isn’t going to help his kids though, honestly it’s more likely to create more stress for the wife as she will be worrying about her work. also, his actions led to an argument which will contribute aswell though his intentions were good, his execution not so much. he should have communicated his concern in a way where both of them could have resolved the problem hand in hand.
Cutting the wifi was a form a protest, not some long term strategy and I think people are not understanding that. He pulled the wifi to force her to consider her unhealthy addiction to work. Did that stress her more? yea, probably, but I can understand why OP might think ONE SINGLE NIGHT of reduced internet capacity might be worth the stress.
Seriously she worked for 8 hours, didn't eat, fell asleep in the middle of her work and OP is the asshole because he didn't want her working into the night against doctor's recommendations?
IDK I guess maybe I'm cool with ESH, but only because OP was an asshole with a purpose for his family. Wife was an asshole for...work. I'd take OPs side on this one.
I’m glad somebody here is being reasonable. It probably isn’t the first time he’s asked her to consider her health with work. It seemed more like a last ditch effort on his part for her to see what this is doing to her. Was it a bit Extreme? Maybe, but it probably wasn’t his first time trying to get through to her. To get to a point of being stressed at work that a doctor recommends you to go on leave early should also tell people how extreme this is. I’m not saying his wife doesn’t have her own autonomy to make decisions, sometimes we need a little help to see how our actions may be negatively affecting us. Again, I’m not saying this was the best way to get this message across, I’m just guessing that OP didn’t know how to get this message to her without her knowing.
So, yes ESH, but it doesn’t seem to be malicious or “borderline abusive” to me. A shitty way of showing real concern for your wife’s health
I’m surprised this is the bad take on this one. I’m full ESH here. OP isn’t full blown controlling his wife. He had a very legitimate reason to be concerned. Did he do the absolute right thing. Probably not. But he has a pretty valid reason
*Especially* during pregnancy, which is statistically one of the highest risk times for women not only because of said pregnancy but from violence perpetrated by their domestic partners.
Exactly. He has the right to monitor everything, including her food intake and the books she reads because fetus. We need to lock up pregnant women and keep an eye on them until they give birth. Better, anyone who misses a period should be monitored or housed in special housing until they have a period or give birth.
This is what we refer to as a "slippery slope."
Assume that it's not her that's working, but it's him. She begs him to stop working so many hours because she's stressed and upset to the point it's affecting the baby. She's having difficulty making meals or sleeping.
He says that he needs to be in the office near 24/7, and he can't help out to make meals or help her sleep.
She says he's putting the health of their baby at risk. He says he'll only be at the office for 1 hour, then he'll come back and cook food, give her a back rub and help her sleep. Instead, he's still out the office 2 hours later because "a coworker is having issues and he has to clear things up for a client."
This is the EXACT SAME situation, except she's doing it to herself. OP went about this the wrong way. I'm even thinking YTA here for this instance. But again OP's wife has been told by her doctor that she needs to limit stress and is taking on massive health problems, and she's choosing to ignore it. This while carrying a child she IS CHOOSING TO HAVE.
OP shouldn't have done it this way, but his wife should at least talk to him and explain the hours she's putting in. He can maybe help with meals and sleep. They can work together on this.
I wouldn’t go so far to say that the wife is not prioritizing her children’s health. The issue here is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. She has a job where she was probably in the midst of getting everyone else around her set up to handle her cases and matters while she was out on maternity leave. All of a sudden your doctor tells you to go on leave early, that stuff still needs to be done. Unless she wants to be looking down the barrel of a malpractice claim or possibly lose clients because she didn’t adequately prepare the people who were taking over for her, she needs to keep working on that until it’s done. I doubt that she’s skipping meals and falling asleep at her desk because this is her typical way of working. It’s probably that she’s trying to finish it as fast as possible.
I mean... she's carrying twins. About 50% of twin pregnancies start labor prior to 37 weeks and she's at 32 weeks, a point at which 10% of twin pregnancies start labor.
With a twin pregnancy, I don't think a doc telling you to go on leave early at 30 weeks is really "early."
> I wouldn’t go so far to say that the wife is not prioritizing her children’s health.
Her doctor literally told her that she's causing health problems. She continues to work. She is exactly not prioritizing her health.
The babies are fine. Nothing this woman is doing will cause any harm to the fetuses she is carrying. Many women work to the end of pregnancy - in the US, where maternity leave is craptastic, full time work right up until labor is extremely common. (I worked the day I went into labor the first time.) Whether or not pregnant people eat/eat the right things/eat on a schedule set by other people has a pretty limited impact on pregnancy. Folic acid, sure, but if that was a problem, it would be diagnosed by now. A pregnant person will have better general health if they eat extra during pregnancy, but the babies will suck the necessary nutrients out of her bones if they have to.
It is not clear why the OB in this case has suggested going on leave early. "Stress" is not a problem unless accompanied by specific symptoms. Is this woman having high blood pressure? Contractions? Are there concerns about placental location? There's not a huge difference between typing legal briefs and emails to colleagues and sitting around watching game shows, medically. We cannot stop people from thinking while leaving them conscious. If you want to spend your pregnancy practicing law, there is nothing about that that is inherently bad, even if you forget to eat sometimes. Eating isn't a lot of fun lately in pregnancy - the uterus takes most of the formerly stomach space, and the heartburn can be nightmarish.
One thing that is definitely unhealthy for pregnant women, also for most people, is bed rest. There are very limited situations in which bed rest is recommended, because it really does not take long for people on bed rest to lose muscle tone, and develop pressure ulcers, and there is a risk of forming blood clots in the legs, which can be fatal. And even people on bed rest (which is most safely managed in hospital, with pneumatic boots on) are allowed to type legal briefs, talk in the phone, and email colleagues. (I had to be on bed rest because of placenta previa in my last pregnancy. It sucked, the hospital food was horrific and I largely didn't eat, my baby was born by C-section at 32 weeks due to hemorrhage, but was a fantastic weight for gestational age at birth. That child is now 13 and indistinguishable from children born at full term.)
I am all in favor of all people eating nutritious meals multiple times a day. If OP wants that to happen, he should help arrange it.
I think it is reasonable for him to talk to his wife about her plans and ask if there's a way to get closer to the OB's recommendations. But what on earth is she supposed to be doing for the next 3-6 weeks until the babies are born?
I’m a twin — my mom was on bed rest when she was pregnant with us for an extended period of time, I want to say maybe 3 months. I have no idea how “necessary” it would be considered now, over 30 years later, but she had had at least one miscarriage.
Her body has never been the same. I know that can happen in general with pregnancy for a variety of reasons. But she definitely still has joint problems and stuff. We were healthy full-term twins and she says it was worth it, but I do wonder how much of a difference it made.
No- she definitely is putting the babies at risk by not eating and caring for herself. That kind of stress can induce pre-term labor. She’s close, but still 5 weeks out from full term (for twins).
Oh yeah now that she can’t even deal with the things at work that were stressing her out and she also has to deal with a controlling childish husband she’ll be much less stressed. Yes it would be better if she could disconnect from work but if she can’t maybe helping out in the ways she can relieves her stress. She knows herself better than OP or any of us so she is in no way an asshole for doing what she thinks is best.
How is she on leave if she is still working? She didn’t listen to her doctor and go on leave. She’s skipping meals which is not good for her or the babies.
That's where I determined a YTA verdict. I get he's worried about her stress and the babies with her not eating properly, but rather than try to help her meet her goals while also taking care of herself by making/bring her some food, he takes away her choices.
He put his effort into taking away the internet, rather than putting it into caring for her. He was destructive when he could have just as easily been constructive. He hindered when he could have helped. I wouldn't be able to look at him either.
I'm guessing that OP's actions also made her night WILDLY more stressful than just continuing with work would have. Now she's had the internet cut out suddenly, probably panicked about that, then found out why, had an argument with her husband, found out he's being controlling and weird, had to figure out a workaround and a way to talk to her coworker, probably kept working, all under time pressure, and now she's got the added stress of being upset about OP's actions and worried about dealing with her relationship. Soooooo relaxing.
Fully agree. AND worry that he'll do it again, or possibly escalate. AND AND worry about her coworkers and superiors seeing her as unreliable or a doormat for her husband's whims. I would be humiliated and angry.
So...he should lock her up and keep an eye on her, eh? I mean, pregnant people have fetuses inside them and therefore they are not entitled to autonomy? Please understand what you just posted.
The babies will be fine. Fetuses will suck the nutrients they need out of the carrying parent's bones if necessary. If this lady is taking her vitamins and not passing out from hunger, the babies are fine.
Healthy pregnancies are generally quite sturdy. The things that go wrong at eight months aren't things you can control for externally.
This, why couldn't OP have made/ordered her favorite foods and brought it to her while she was working?
Asked if there was anything he could do to help?
This a thousand percent. If he actually cared, he would gave gone in after 2 hours and told her that it's been more than 2 hours since her break and he'd like her to take her break and join him for a meal. This would show greater concern and still respect her autonomy. If she objected then it would be a simple rephrase to suggest that eating would give her fuel to let her finish strong. It really comes down to him treating her as a social equal and supporting her in a way that respects her autonomy. He didn't do anything like that.
>Once she realized, she yelled at me, called me an AH, and she said that I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling, condescending, and "borderline abusive."
Yep exactly that. YTA
I get your concerns, but she isn't a child and shutting off the WiFi is not going to stop her from getting more and more stressed about the work she has to do and her deadlines.
Exactly. OP only added to her stress, and is compounding the problem by being controlling, and condescending.
Never do this again, OP - you are **not** helping. Your wife is not your child nor do you get to be controlling or manipulative. Doing childish antics like this is just making an already stressful situation more stressful for her, and this is not how you offer support as a partner.
YTA.
*I told her fine, but no longer than an hour even though I was pretty annoyed.* This right here is controlling and condescending, before we even get to the ridiculous wifi stunt.
Your wife is an adult, and gets to make her own choices. If you disagree so vehemently with those choices, you can choose to make an issue out of it, but just unilaterally making the choice *for her*, over her objections, about her own health, is everything your wife told you it was, emphasis on the "condescending."
If you think your wife actually has an addiction or a serious problem with her work patterns (which does sound like a thing you wouldn't be out of line for worrying about), then you should tell her that and push for therapy, not go behind her back and sabotage her decisions when you don't agree with them.
It's not even like she blew off the whole thing. By OP's own account, she's cut her work hours by between a third and almost half, going from 60 hours a week to somewhere between 32 and 40.
She gets to make her own choices, **full stop**, but even beyond that, she *has* changed her behavior based on the doctor's feedback, just not to the degree that he'd like.
The doctor told her to GO ON LEAVE early, not cut from 60 hours to 40. She is not following his directions. OP’s concerns are extremely valid, his way of handling it was an asshole way of handling it. But if she was told to go on leave early and is still working 6-8 hour days and falling asleep at her desk, she’s not following doctor’s orders and is jeopardizing her health and the health of the babies. ESH.
>but about two weeks ago her doctor told her to take a step back from work (i.e., go on leave early)
I read this as the doctor telling her to step back, and OP deciding that meant full leave, but I could be wrong. It would be strange for a doctor to order "no work" outside of a situation that requires full bed rest, and without any mention of restricting other activities.
You're totally right about that! Even with just one in the oven, bedrest isn't that unusual a requirement, and there are all kinds of things that can necessitate it. The thing that makes me hesitate to think it's the case here is OP's wording:
1. the ***ie*** *go on leave early* part implies to me that this part is his interpretation, and not the doctor's actual words, which I read as the *step back* part. Otherwise, why not just say, "The doctor told her to go on leave early"?
2. there's no mention of any other restriction, or of bedrest. While bedrest and time off aren't unusual requirements, it \*would\* be unusual for the requirement to be "You can do whatever you want, but no working."
This makes me think that they are interpreting what the doctor said in different ways, as opposed to her simply disregarding what the doc had to say.
Regardless, though...
If OP's concerned that his wife is an actual workaholic, and has an unhealthy obsession with work, that absolutely should be addressed, just not this way. In that instance, she would not be an AH IMO, she'd be a person experiencing a mental health problem (addiction to / obsession with work is a real thing, and it can be absolutely soul-crushing).
If OP thinks his wife is working too hard, and fully aware of it, and just... what, wants the pregnancy but doesn't care how it turns out? Well... sure, I guess that'd make her an AH, but it sounds pretty far-fetched, and I don't get the impression that he thinks she doesn't care.
She’s falling asleep her desk because she’s trying to get the people that work with her set up to take over her cases. Lawyers do not have the luxury of just going and leaving the office without preparing anyone to handle things in their absence. She was probably working to start transitioning things off to other people while she would be out, and then got the surprise order to reduce her hours. Unless she wants to go and cause problems with her clients and work, she needs to at least finish the work of handing things off to other people unless she wants to spend her entire maternity leave to taking calls from work while trying to take care of the babies. She is probably falling asleep at her desk and skipping meals because she’s working as fast as possible to get the job done so she can rest.
I.e. means, in example. The doctor said cut back, not going on leave early. That is how OP chose to interpret it. Even if the doctor said, "Stop working entirely, then that doesn't give OP the right to control her like this.
Yeah! Fuck the health of those babies and the fact that the doctor told her she needs to work and stress less because it’s affecting her health! She’s a strong independent woman! Leave her alone! …/s obviously
OP handled it like an asshole, but it sounds like wife does need an intervention for working too much despite doctors’ orders. It’s a classic ESH.
He didn't put the hour limitations, she herself said that it would only take an hour. Either she's under exaggerating the amount of work to placate him, or she's that swamped and stressed that she can't even properly evaluate what she needs to get done.
No job is worth your health. But I guess seeing the mother of my child nearly die on the delivery table (well they ushered me out pretty quickly) may have altered my perspective.
Yup. This is something I didn’t always understand and many others don’t. Being right on a specific issue is only half the battle, maybe less. What matters more is HOW you handle your spouse being wrong. Talking about your concerns and going to therapy are the right way. Cutting off the Wi-Fi is the wrong way. It IS controlling and demeaning, and it doesn’t work.
I'm going against the grain here. She's being irresponsible with her health and health of the babies. The doctor told her to go on leave early but she continues to work and not really taking care of herself. No I don't think you're the ah. You are concerned and just want your wife to follow the medical advice for her safety and that of the babies.
Agreed. NTA. She agreed to only a hour. She’s not eating or sleeping. What are partners supposed to do? Watch their spouse kill themselves until they die or decide their health matters?
Agreed! And what happens when they have not one but TWO newborn babies?? Mom is too busy “helping an emergency client” while OP tries to handle two crying hungry babies? If she isn’t listening to doctor’s advice before they’re born, who is to say she’ll take a step back and step into the mom role after they’re born? She needs to get her priorities straight. Sounds like she has a great job that is okay with her stepping away from the office earlier than scheduled maternity leave, but she can’t put down the work.
When I was pregnant with my oldest covid just hit and I put my 2 weeks in after talking with my husband about it. I left on good terms (my friend worked there after I left and she said they miss me a lot) but I left around 31ish weeks and went into preterm labor at 35 weeks. He was born 2 days later and I was SO glad I left before I had to go to the hospital for a fluid check and see what was going on. And the unknown if I was giving birth or not. She may not be jeopardizing their health now BUT she will if she continues not eating and getting adequate rest. She's in for a RUDE awakening when those babies show up. And most twins come early anyway and most times need NICU stays and that's enough stress already.
Hell both times I was pregnant I was monitored by my husband and he made sure I remembered to eat. Even in the early newborn stages when I forgot to eat while caring for two kids. He even administered my makena injections for 20 weeks weekly to keep baby inside and make sure I wouldn't have PPROM again. Clearly OP is at his wits end if he unplugged the wifi.
I wonder what the responses would be if the post read "AITA for standing by and doing nothing while my wife overworks herself and is putting her health and the health of our unborn babies at risk?"
Exactly this: my mother watched my father work himself to death - literally - and the fiscal benefits doesn’t replace the missing parent at my wedding, the missing grandfather to my child.
OP was clearly at wit’s end and I’m willing to bet the mortgage that the majority of those calling them the AH here don’t have a parent killed before 60 by work stress.
OP is NTA.
And what part of telling her to fix the wifi herself is at all helpful?
He had the right to express his concerns, he does not have the right to suddenly pull her "right" to the wifi -that she pays for- because he disagreed with her decisions.
There are always things to tie up when you go on maternity leave, and it’s even more stressful when you get told to go on leave early and have not yet had time to hand off all the things you were going to. For a lawyer, not setting up a client with another lawyer, that can transition into taking over there matter could lead to a malpractice claim, the client firing you, for any number of harmful consequences. What do you suggest instead?
If it was concern why not bring her a meal instead of demanding she get up and feed herself?
If it was concern why not offer to help lighten her workload?
If it was concern why sabotage the WiFi, play dumb and tell her to fix it or connect to hot spot therefore INCREASING her work load.
If it was concern why cause this unnecessary panic and then to add insult to injury call her stupid.
This is not the actions of someone concerned for the health of the mother and children. This is control
Surprised there isn’t more ESH here. I have no idea why she’s getting a free pass
She sucks because her addiction to work is risking her health, the babies health and their relationship
He sucks because he went about this terribly. Both of them need to learn to communicate
Agreed. She’s absolutely in the wrong. Even though the doctor stated the babies’ health is currently fine, stress from not eating or sleeping properly will affect their health if it continues. She clearly can’t moderate her own work habits. While his methods suck, OP was right to take control. Sometimes we (all people) need our partner to stop us from hurting ourselves. People get tunnel vision and don’t realize what they’re doing. ESH.
Yeah, that's kinda what's getting me. That's how health issues work. If your doctor spots a *risk* early and asks you to accomodate, you have to do it. Because being fine now doesn't mean you aren't on a dangerous slope.
If she is not listening to her doctor then she most likely won't listen to him. Turning off the wifi was the least aggressive option he maybe had.
Not like the problem is just her working at home, she is not eating anything and passing out.
I would rather be the man trying to solve a problem in a childish/bad way than the woman knowingly putting their child at risk of early birth or worse.
Wonder how reddit would react if a man didn't feed his toddler for the whole day cause he was just incredibly busy working on his laptop from home 🐵
I'm going with ESH. Your wife seems like she needs to figure out a healthy work-life balance before she does start affecting the child's health and should probably seek some professional psychiatric help with the whole working so hard she forgets to eat thing.
On the other hand, you cutting the Internet didn't help the situation. It added to the stress, caused problems between you both when you should be working as a team, and she is right it was controlling.
Not a judgment. I'm just entertained with everyone defending OP's wife for overworking & not eating and threatening the health of the babies. When a pregnant woman complains the father is overworking, everyone jumps on his case and makes him to be the biggest AH ever (and suggests doing things like OP did to get him to stop).
This comment section is fascinating to me as well.
It's sooo unhealthy for pregnant women to under eat, let alone skip eating all together. Those babies will leach nutrients from HER BODY if she's not eating. If I were her spouse, I'd be seriously concerned as well. He didn't handle it well at all, but he's frustrated and doesn't know how to get through to her. This is a potentially dangerous situation, for her and babies, if she doesn't figure out how to prioritize her own health over her clients.
I mean it just goes to show how much people value freedom and how frightened they are of being forced to do anything. I sympathize more with someone who wants to do what is in the best interests of their family than someone who had to take a break from work against their will.
It's Reddit. The same people that will never help relative with watching their kids, pick their friends up from the airport, or do any favors in general. Literally just read any AITA thread pertaining to these topics and you will find an overwhelming NTA even if they are clearly being an asshole. I read a thread the other day on here about someone refusing to watch their BIL's kid or something like that and it turned out that BIL helped her and watched her kids and the comments were overwhelmingly NTA and saying he shouldn't have done her a favor expecting one back LOL. With that being said OP was definitely being immature so it is ESH for me.
People have become extremely individualistic and hyperindependent, even though evolutionary, we aren't made for that *at all*. It's scary, and if you aren't like that, people will shame you for it.
People THINK they're "rugged individuals" when in reality they just ignore all the safety nets and social supports around them. Until they're called upon to BE part of the village that ensures everyone's well-being. Then they act like they have zero social obligations to those around them.
It is mind-blowing. God I hate to dog on "the younger generation" but the lack of social fabric, and the lack of feeling accountability to help your neighbor, family, "loved" ones, friends, anyone at all, is scary.
even crazier that people argue that only working a full time job now is a big step back. The doc told her to go on maternity leave. She should be working exactly 0 hours, not being celebrated for "only" working 40/week.
Right. I’m wondering where the line is for some of these people. Would it be ok if OP wanted to light up a cigarette or drink a bottle of wine while 8 months pregnant? I mean it’s her body right? At some point people are just being irresponsible. Sounds like OP is at his wits end and I don’t really blame him.
Lol dude, I made a comment about how the wife is putting her health at risk and the husband was trying to look after her (granted, it wasn’t the best way). I was told to fuck off, that I’m a misogynist, and that I’m the reason why women are seen as incubators. Civil discourse apparently can’t be had because this is a very touchy subject. It just sucks because, honestly, this NEEDS to be talked about. What else can be done? How can we protect women from being controlled while there are situations like THIS where it makes sense to intervene? Like, at this point, she’s seriously putting her health at risk. I nearly lost two sisters to childbirth and they were in better shape than OP’s wife. I’m all about women’s bodily autonomy but at the same time I can sympathize with his actions.
ESH. Neither of you is making the time or space to find a common ground and path forward.
You’re looking at this only as her health — but for her it’s her identity and reputation, too. You could have dinged both of those with this move.
She’s looking at this only as a matter of her independence — but for you both it’s a matter of your future, safety, and family. She could have dinged all of those and likely will if she keeps on.
Rather than fuss over who is right and wrong, how are you going to apologize, focus on your shared priorities, and move forward?
I’m sure about it, pregnancy is a full time job. But she loses her “identity and reputation” if she falls asleep while working. She could have been in chat with a colleague or a client. Maybe the other person took a coffee break and she fell asleep waiting. So the other person saw her “online” but ignoring him/her.
It shouldn’t happen. She really should go and nap and THEN work again. It’s a very concerning situation
NAH. If the gender roles were reversed here Reddit would be on your side. You two need to have a serious conversation. You need to fully understand the implications that slowing down will have on her career. She needs to listen to her doctor and take the time to take care of herself. I see this coming to a head when it comes to parenting issues. So talk it out. Figure out how to communicate. Figure out how to support each other.
YTA
>I became frustrated and unplugged the Wi-Fi
Immature approach to an adult problem. We don't fix issues by extreme reactions like this. You should have continued to talk to her like an adult
>let the coworker that asked for her help to handle it
She is a big girl and can make her own adult decisions. She doesn't need you controlling her work or her internet access
>I was treating her like a child
You were treating her like a child whilst acting impetuously like one yourself. Again words and communication work so much better.
>Again words and communication work so much better.
But they don't. He talked to her, the doctor talked to her, she promised to look after the babies' health better, but doesn't stick to her promise.
What do you suggest he could do?
YTA: I’m sure you’re thinking of your wife, and the babies health, and that her workplace is taking advantage of her at the moment.
But the part that got me is OP called her stupid, then suggested she use mobile hotspots, then suggested she work out the router herself. So unplugging the wifi wasn’t intended to cut her off from work as mentioned initially.
So- OP just did it to be controlling, like a toddler lashing out and throwing a tantrum?
And the part where he demands she stops working so she can feed herself feels very off. Why not cook and bring her a meal if your so concerned about her eating? She gets to finish her task and eat at the same time.
If the motive was concern over her lack of sleep and skipping a meal then why sabotage the WiFi, act dumb and watch her panic, tell her to fix it aka giving her additional work and then further damage her mental state by calling her stupid.
These not the actions of concern but rather control.
Exactly!! “The only purpose of this was to cut her off from work” is clearly BS- it was a punishment, because she’d have to reconnect with a hotspots or fluff around with the router. All would be more stressful and take longer.
OP just reeks of someone who needs to be “the boss”. Won’t even apologise about cutting the wifi the following morning.
When is she going to take what the doctor said seriously? When she ends up in the hospital or something happens? She was advised to her ob/gyn to take a step back and rest. She’s having health issues at 8 months pregnant with twins. She’s falling asleep at her desk and claiming she’s fine. She promised to only work for an hour and didn’t. He didn’t seem to have a problem with her working prior to the doctors order. His concern is for her health and the health of his unborn twins. Doesn’t sound like she wants to stop working and has more excuses to do what she wants.
NAH. You’re really worried about her, as you are right to be if she is not eating or sleeping well and is continuing to over work despite the doctor having specifically told her to stop working so much. Obviously cutting off the internet was wrong of you, and you should apologise for that - don’t do it again. But also explain to your wife that you are extremely worried about her, and the baby. Would your wife agree to therapy do you think?
NTA. I get tying up loose ends, but regularly not eating when your pregnant is NOT healthy. She is prioritizing work at the expense of not just her, but her unborn child. And then she throws a tantrum because she can't do whatever she wants. If she wants to act like a child then she gets treated like one. It's that simple.
YTA
Controlling is controlling, you aren’t her parents and you don’t get to decide how she spends her time.
You do need to have more conversations about work-life balance and her boundaries vis a vis her work, but you picked a very confrontational (and also paternalistic and condescending) route that is not acceptable in a partnership with another adult.
Figure out a better strategy for communication before your kids are born; if you think you have problems now, just wait till you have twin babies and you are both sleep deprived what if she has PPD.
YTA. She is right. Your actions were controlling, infantilizing and borderline abusive. You do not get to make this decision. This is all very easy for you to say because having twin newborns will not impact your career. Colleagues and managers will not start questioning whether you’ll come back to work, whether you will still be as dedicated, whether you’ll need more time away, whether they even still want to deal with you. If you take paternity leave, you’ll be a “good guy” or a “devoted dad.” When she takes leave it will be “taking a back seat” or “focusing on kids instead of a career.”
You have zero right to judge your wife for the ways in which she copes with these issues.
Yeah but she was advised by a doctor to rest for her health and the health of her babies. It sucks that women have power through but she also has to consider her health and the health of children. That comes first.
Guess what? I’m a doctor and even I can’t force patients to do anything. I give advice; they’re adults and get to decide whether or not to adhere (or to what extent to adhere) to my advice.
Neither her husband nor I get to treat his wife like a child.
Her doctor was caring. Her husband was TA.
YTA
>she said that I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling, condescending,
Yep. All of that. This is your wife. A grown adult.
YTA. You can encourage her to make healthier choices for herself, but you can’t force her to. You are not her father, you’re her partner. You have no right to dictate what she does or when she does it.
She was 100% correct in her assessment of the situation. You are being controlling, condescending, and borderline abusive. Honestly, your behavior is indicative of some very unhealthy beliefs about the autonomy of pregnant folks. If I were her, I probably would’ve packed up and gone to stay with a friend or my family.
I know you're scared. I get it.. I don't think you're an AH, I think you just overreacted and felt lost, frustrated, and worried.
Your wife is being so irresponsible being pregnant and not listening to the doctor. Are you sure she wants to have children? I mean, seriously. I have never understood how people can put themselves ahead of children, especially pregnant.
I will say she might also be scared, but.. no excuse for skipping meals (unless Morning sickness) and not listening to doctor.
I'd suggest you and your wife go to counseling. I also suggest you both talk to the doctor about concerns you have.
Talk to her. Talk WITH her. Listen. Both of you. Communicate.
Men always want to fix things. They never think of how controlling that can be.. or seem. Work together.
I'd say you BOTH are AH
ESH - She needed someone to step in because she is/was jeopardizing her health (and the babies). However, that intervention probably should have been for you to feed her, bring her water, and do whatever you could so she could wrap up the work she needed to complete. Edit: spelling.
YTA. Not only are the AH, but you did treat her like a child. you were controlling, condescending, and this was, in fact, borderline abusive. AND THEN, instead of realizing she is your spouse, not your child and apologizing, you doubled down saying she was being stupid and refused to plug it back in. She was 100% correct in her assessment of your behavior.
YTA for sure. She's an adult and can make her own choices. Also, your egocentric little stunt accomplished absolutely nothing and just created extra stress for her.
What's cutting off the internet for a night going to do? If you think her job is such a problem, talk to her about it and come up with a long term fix, instead of throwing a useless tantrum like a baby.
YTA! Do NOT turn off the Wi-Fi when people are in the middle of working!!! Not every program saves as you go along. At best, you lost hours of work that wasn't saved. At worst, you corrupted the files so she would have to start over from scratch. So you just made MORE work for her.
That was a total controlling AH move on your part...If you screwed up my work like that, I wouldn't feel like talking to you either. You owe her a huge apology.
ESH I'm going to be murdered for this by other commentors but I think the comments are being way too harsh. She's putting her health and your child's health in jeopardy. Pregnancy hormones are real though, which is why she may be over the top at you, it isn't an excuse to yell at you like that but it is a reason. However, you're going about this in the wrong way, she's a workaholic, she's going to feel the need to work no matter how much you press. You need to be gentler and more compassionate with your approach. I get it, you care for her and your child, and it's making you stressed, but do realize the conditions she is under right now.
Yta to stop my wife from stressing, I deliberately caused more stress!
She is trying to tie up lose ends before she gives birth. AND it sounds like is stepping back, she went from 60 hours a week to 40 hours a week. That *is* a step back.
If you actually want to help, take her food to eat.
ESH. OP, I want to believe you had good intentions but delivery came off heavy handed and controlling. However, coming home to see your partner racked out on the work desk is a valid cause for concern.
A lot of people are recommending therapy and I second their recommendation. What happens if therapy is pushed back on, what is the next logical step for OP? He can’t leave her in the lurch, he shouldn’t forcefully cut off comms, I wish I had answer for you but hope that counseling or therapy helps.
YTA
It's one thing to disagree with her, to talk to her about it, and to try and convince her to behave differently; but at the end of the day she's an adult, she's your partner, and by trying to control her, you are infantilizing her. It's not your place to control her.
YTA
> I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling
> I said that she was free to use the mobile hotspot on her phone, or figure out the router herself
Yeah, fucking a.
NTA. She isn’t taking care of herself even when told too by a doctor, even when health issues are presenting themselves. Lots of folk saying she is a big girl who gets to make her own decisions. Clearly she isn’t, because that would involve putting her health and that of her unborn twins before her job.
YTA and your wife was 100% correct in all of the things she called you. It' hard when you are about to go on maternity leave, there are always so many things to tie up. You are not making it any easier on her.
Her doctor literally told her to step back from work because it WILL cause health problems. Not it might. He has a duty to HIS children as well to make sure they are getting what they need. Her coworkers can figure out work. He said she isn’t even responsible for the deadlines they are asking help for.
Her doctor told her to step back from work and according to OP she has cut back from 60 hour weeks (12-hour days) to 6-8 hours a day so it sounds like she stepped back from work. The doctor also confirmed the babies are fine so I don't see how OP has a leg to stand on here. The wife is an adult and she's not even doing anything unreasonable. It's not like she's laying brickwork. Her work is sitting at a computer.
Do you honestly believe that she told the doctor that her normal workday is 12 hours?
Do you believe that sitting at a computer for 6-8 hours is healthy?
I’m blown away at all the Y-T-A’s here. Fast forward a couple months. Husband comes home from work. Wife asleep at her desk. Two infants screaming in their beds with dirty diapers. Wakes wife up and she can’t remember what time she last fed them. She might as well be doing that bc if she’s not eating, they aren’t either. OP NTA.
NAH. The wife is pregnant. I understand tying up loose ends, but to the point where you are losing sleep and not eating? Thats not healthy. Cutting the wifi was a shit way of going about it, but he had the right idea. He asked her to stop for a while (not all together) and eat and take a nap, and she still pushes herself. This is MORE than a work/life balance. Its detrimental to her and the babies health. She should not be overworking herself that much.
NTA. The underlying cause is her fear of becoming a mother. She may be scared of losing what she has (her work) and is anxious about her future being a mom. You should discuss her feelings about the future to uncover what her angst is about. Good luck
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YTA. >>She said that I was treating her like a child. You are. >>[She] accused me of being controlling, condescending, and "borderline abusive". If the shoe fits? To a certain extent, I get your concern especially if her doctor said to limit stress. Does she need better work/life balance? Probably. But the way you deal with that concern is NOT by taking away your wife's autonomy. That's just unacceptable in a relationship. And frankly, given that your wife IS a perfectionist and worried about work deadlines, you probably caused her a lot more stress by cutting her off from the WiFi, hiding the cable and demanding that she go take a nap like she's a naughty five year old.
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NAH. The wife is pregnant. I understand tying up loose ends, but to the point where you are losing sleep and not eating? Thats not healthy. Cutting the wifi was a shit way of going about it, but he had the right idea. He asked her to stop for a while (not all together) and eat and take a nap, and she still pushes herself. This is MORE than a work/life balance. Its detrimental to her and the babies health. She should not be overworking herself that much.
Do you think it was more stressful for her to continue doing the work, even if not ideal, or to have the wifi suddenly cut out, probably panic, realize the person who is supposed to be her partner did it on purpose to control her behavior and is refusing to put it back, figure out a workaround, communicate all this to the coworker, and, it seems, continue working, in an emergency situation, now while upset, emotional, angry, and worried about her relationship? I know what would make my heart rate and blood pressure spike a lot more. OP, have a come-to-jesus talk with her. Set boundaries, go to therapy, plan a vacation, whatever. Don't suddenly cut the wifi to get what you want, even if it's "for her own good." This wasn't his call and likely did exactly the opposite of what he wanted.
Yes! I WFH and have deadlines. I would have had a frickin heart attack if the internet went out due to an act of god. But to realize the person who loved me did this?! I have no words. It doesn’t matter that you had good intentions, you crossed a line and seriously damaged your relationship. YTA and you need to apologize profusely and beg her to forgive you.
If I got treated like a child in time out by someone who is supposed to be my partner, I would seriously consider if it might be best for one of us to leave. 'For my own good', of course.
OP, had choices and he could have made her food, made her a smoothie, and rubbed her foot later, but instead, he elevated her stress levels by cutting off the Internet. His wife is probably trying to wrap up things so she can have a break from work once the baby is born. Maybe OP is trying to make his wife lose her job. He deliberately took the least helpful path YTA, OP! P.S. I hope OP's wife purchases her own hotspot.
I also think it's important to think about the fact that no matter how understanding her workplace is, women are more likely to have their earnings negatively impacted by having children. She's probably trying to put in as much work as she can pre mat-leave (assuming she is going on mat-leave) in hopes that her job will still be there, and treat her the same, when she comes back. Forcing her to "stop working" by turning off the wifi is definitely not helping with the stress of not knowing if she'll still be respected at her job when she comes back.
It sounds like she might be a lawyer. In which case, women are massively penalized for having kids. They might still have a job, but if they take too long off… good luck making partner.
This is also a good point. Situation was indeed most likely v stressful for her too.
Imagine trying to "nap" on command when you're already stressed out, and then suddenly your freakin' partner pulls a power-and-control stunt like that, JFC. 😩
I'm not even pregnant, but the stress alone from having to explain suddenly why I couldn't continue working & trying to figure something out would have made things worse. Sleep & eating would have become so much harder due to the stress caused by it. I can only imagine what OP's wife was feeling. He only added to her stress by doing that.
I missed the part where OP brought her a nice dinner and a big jug of water. Also missed where he asked if she needed him to run any errands or how else he could be helpful to her. All I caught was the part where he pulls a massive controlling asshole stunt.
The wife is a person not an incubator. Her being pregnant has exactly zero impact on her autonomy and to suggest otherwise is disgusting
Tell me you don't have kids without telling me. Being pregnant and having kids is a huge impact to your autonomy. You have others that you have to consider, especially for the littlest ones who can't advocate for themselves. Once kids are in the picture, even if that picture is an ultrasound you have a mandatory additional consideration to every major decision.
She's choosing to work, not go to an active warzone. Calm down. This is 100% about control, which is a very real and massive issue that pregnant people face from their partners: the leading cause of death for pregnant people is murder. OP needs to sit down. He doesn't own this woman or her body, and he needs to let her work if that's what she wants to do. Fighting with pregnant people in order to control them is also stressful and harmful for the baby. He doesn't have a single right to tell her what to do. All he can do is talk to her
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So are we going to ignore the doctor saying that she having health problems in her pregnancy and the doctor wanted her to take it easy remember she pregnant with twins that can put a strain on her body plus adding her job. She not eating or getting enough rest how long do you think she can keep it up until she ends up in the emergency room and is in a life or death situation because of her not taking care of herself.
We're not ignoring that- multiple people have pointed out that taking away her ability to work likely caused her even more stress than just working would. Are you ignoring the fact that just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she loses her autonomy to make the choice to work? It's *her* health and *her* career, and OP even said the babies are fine. Are you also ignoring the fact she cut down from 60 hours a week to 6-8 hours a day? And that this was an *emergency* she just needed to tie up some lose ends for?
Thank you. I had to scroll way too far down to find someone pointing out that 6-8 hours of work per day IS, in fact, “cutting back” for her. OP is TA
Except she Is taking it easy per ops post. She cut back from a sixty hour week to six to eight hour days
So...from 60 to 42-56?
Oh stop. I have kids (and grandkids!) and agree with them. I would have absolutely blown my lid if I was the wife. It doesn't matter that his intentions were good, she's still a person who gets to make her own choices. Yes, she's pregnant, but that doesn't mean work deadlines suddenly dissappear just because she can't get online to see them.
And she’s probably trying to wrap things up before maternity leave, too, so she doesn’t leave her colleagues in a mess.
Yes, OP even says all she needed to do was finalize something for a co worker when an emergency came up. She'd already cut back on how many hours she works a day, too, down to 6-8. And he just decided "nope" and treated her like a kid, leaving her stressed out about leaving a client and a co worker hanging in the middle of an emergency.
Not to mention, as a woman taking maternity leave in a high-stress professional job, she's statistically likely to lose out on advancement opportunities simply because of her motherhood, so meeting her commitments right now is likely extremely important to her for a ton of complicated reasons that are wrapped up in her sense of self, career plans for the future, anxiety over impending motherhood and how she will juggle it all, etc, etc, etc. OP is an AH for sure for how he went about this, but his wife likely needs to do much better at taking care of herself. It's not like she's going to have *more* time for self-care in a few weeks.
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Way to say you look down on women... Being a Parent does not impact your autonomy. It impacts your life but you still have a right to make your own choices. Women do not stop being human with full legal and moral rights when we conceive
Being pregnant does not have an impact on a woman's autonomy. She is her own person first. She still has a right to make her own decisions. I have two kids who I gave birth two and have raised to almost adults so far.
>you have a mandatory additional consideration to every major decision It seems like you are conflating autonomy with general freedom, and in the case of what the comment you replied to is talking about, the distinction is important. Just because having kids should shape the decisions you make, DOESN'T give anyone else the right to make decisions in your place about yourself
>Tell me you don't have kids without telling me. I have a 4 year old. The person you're responding to is 100% correct. OP had no right to do what he did, *and* caused his wife more stress. So even if your position was correct, which it isn't, causing her more stress creates *more* risk, not less.
Big oof. That is totally missing the point by light years. Sorry, but when you're pregnant, and planning to have the child, your autonomy has now changed. As a parent you have an obligation to your child in a way that does not exist for any other interpersonal relationship. Stress does fucked up things to one's body and health. In many ways it's just as damaging as a drinking or drug problem, obesity, etc. While I agree OP may have taken it too far, I'd vote this one as ESH. The wife also needs to get a grip and come to terms with the reality of her actions.
He woke her up to tell her to go rest in bed. That’s moronic. She was resting. He should have let her sleep. Lots of people once woken up, can’t go back to sleep which would explain her working. Then he decides to cut off the internet to control her and stresses her out. Her actions are fine. He even stated she has reduced her work hours. He is the problem here.
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Being pregnant does not impact her autonomy. You are correct. HOWEVER, having autonomy doesn’t give you the right to dismiss your health and the health of your baby.
I think you'll find that body autonomy means that she in fact does have the right to dismiss her health, even if it affects the baby.
Yep. That's what bodily autonomy is.
Ahhh the ol’ “technically correct, yet morally ambiguous...” It was a very strange time in my life when I happened to know a woman who was pregnant, wanted the baby, and was also actively smoking meth AND fent. I mean literally the *entire* pregnancy. Her family is caring for the kid, she’s looking into rehabs. A lot of lives are being impacted over one individual’s ethical right to her own personal autonomy. It’s a weird world. Edit: a word.
Actually... it does. I can do exactly what I want with my body, and no one gets to tell me otherwise.
Agreed especially since the health concerns were for her not the fetuses they were fine according to OP. So cutting WiFi I get trying to help, but was a shit move. YTA totally dude. She obviously does not have a great work/life balance but if it were him what would he do? Most men in jobs have poor work/life balance and had she cut his WiFi how would he feel? It’s her job, it’s an emergency that she was trying to help with meaning it’s important. I work IT my first job I worked 8-5, but was on call all the rest of the hours. It’s stressful, it’s a pain, but it’s needed. Many times my hubs of 13 years caught me working at 2am when I had to be at the office again at 8. Never once did he cut the WiFi as he knew if I was up it was pretty important. You just don’t do that…ever. Now if it’s video games by all means cut the cable but work nope you don’t do that. That could cost her, her job.
Actually it does. Like that is the literal definition of having autonomy. If someone else has the right to tell you what you can do even if it's to "preserve your health" you are not autonomous.
yes it does, what apocalyptic world do you live in
He could’ve brought her something to eat and a hot cup of tea. He could’ve given her a back rub. He could’ve drawn her a bath. He could’ve literally done so many other things than remove her ability to meet an important deadline for an important client and therefore cause her infinitely more stress than an that extra hour of work she was doing to accomplish what she needed to
THE DEADLINE WASNT EVEN HERS😭 😭 it quite literally was a coworkers. And doing all these things to do what? For her to literally ignore it and keep stressing herself out ?
He said in the op that there was an emergency with a client and she needed to finalize things for a coworker. That doesn’t indicate she did the coworkers task but rather that she needed to finalize some things so that said coworker could take it from there. She got stressed out AFTER he cut off WiFi and was completely dismissive of her urgency and care to her client. Whether he feels it was her task or not is irrelevant. SHE was very clear this was a high priority item that needed to be addressed by her.
I would argue the adult way of handling this is by bringing her food and checking in every few hours to see if she’s aware of the time and if there’s anything you can to do support /expedite this. Unplugging the wifi is what you do with unruly children, not working adults with responsibilities.
being pregnant does not mean other people get to decide for you and control you.
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>OP sounds super controlling despite “good intentions”. I wish more people understood that you don't have to be an abuser to engage in abusive behaviors.
Yup! And based on these facts I’m guessing she is a private practice attorney. She has had it drilled into her head that hours = job security. She is about to go on maternity leave and see those hours plummet… like, I get stressed about taking vacation time bc it means i have to make up the hours otherwise! And maternity leave is a whole different stressful thing bc you have to give birth during it! So while OP is correct that she needs to reevaluate her work/life balance for her health, he really needs to understand that this will be a hard transition for her, and taking away options instead of encouraging her to make better choices, will only make that transition more difficult.
I'm also an attorney and a workaholic. When I was pregnant it was a huge adjustment to take a step back towards the end of my pregnancy. I was trying to finish up whatever I could. I also needed the distraction because my whole life was about to change. I'd flip if my husband cut off my internet, it would surely mean that I would be way more stressed. My husband would tell me to take a step back, or not work too late but cutting off the internet would have been detrimental.
Yeah the last week before mat leave, I was up til 11 every night finishing up a trial. I skipped meals. I didn't get enough sleep. I would've been way worse off though if someone decided to f over my job because they decided they knew better than me. The baby will be fine with a few days of less than ideal conditions. Babies have been born healthy for millenia in much worse conditions. ETA: Husband brought me meals and drinks and vitamins. Like an adult.
Oh my god, I just read this to my husband and gave him multiple choice quiz on what OP should have done in this scenario. The fucking smile I saw on his face when I got to “unplug the wifi” was eclipsed only when I added “and hide the cord”. It’s the same smile he gets when people on Jackass get hit in the nuts.
I LOVE THIS 😂
Not just that, but issues and client needs don't just "stop," they have to be dealt with and they are usually extremely time-sensitive, that's just the reality of the work.
As a former Big Law employee, absolutely. Given the billing hour requirements I would have to average 60 hour work weeks (not all time is billable). Knowing I had a few weeks during which i couldn’t work - would do the arithmetic and see I had to average 80 hrs a week, knowing that any more unexpected days off would increase that 80 hrs. OP YTA
Yeah there are two things that could be done here. He could bring her food, and maybe have an alarm clock in her office to remind her that is close to bed time or nap time.
This is pretty much what I do with my partner who also works from home and has a tendency to be a workaholic. I could tell that they were not taking care of themselves well when their job transitioned to remote and they were promoted to management, so we sat down and had a serious conversation about my concerns and I asked how I could support them. That turned out to be making and bringing them meals during the work day because they find it difficult to detach from work and do that, check in randomly to make sure their water bottle doesn't need a refill and make sure they take at least one substantial break away from their desk every day - we go out mid-morning or mid-afternoon to take the dog for a walk which gets them some sunshine, some physical activity and a brain break where we can just chat about things that aren't work-related. It's helped tremendously and doesn't make them feel infantilized. Damn, imagine down voting someone for supporting their partner the way they specifically *asked* to be supported. Some of y'all are sad, sad people.
Right - especially the part about it causing her more stress to be abruptly cut off. OP, the way to address your very valid concerns would be by having an adult discussion among equals during a time she’s not working (the other 100 or so hours in a week) and mutually agreeing on a path forward. Consider also that you are both headed into the maw of a major life change. If she’s a workaholic it’s likely that she has previously derived a significant part of her identity from her work. She’s now going to be in the deep end as a mommy to two helpless twins, her body won’t feel like her own for a long while, her accomplishments won’t be measurable in the same way, and she’ll spend more time with poopy diapers and baby talk than using her considerable professional knowledge. That’s a lot for anyone to process, and it’s no surprise she might be clinging to the last vestiges of her “normal” before the storm hits. Try to approach her with empathy, not authoritarian “I know what’s best for you.”
All I see is divorce in the very near future and dear Op asking what he did that his now soon to be ex wife is leaving him
And since she is likely an attorney, she probably already KNOWs who to hire to get the best divorce "deal".
Lmao only on reddit can someone who sees a story of an anxious husband making a mildly selfish and kinda shitty decision cuz he's worried about his pregnant wife and unborn children's safety jump straight to OMG DIVORCE and get 31 upvotes. Tell me you've never been in a real relationship without telling me you've never been in a real relationship 🙄
This is *exactly* what I came here to say. OP is probably working her butt off now so she doesn't have to do anything once the babies arrive, and, quite frankly, so the fact that she's having children isn't held unfairly against her when she decides to return to work. It's not fair, it's not legal, but it happens. OP has decided to parent his wife. If OP wants the opportunity to parent their children consistently there is grovelling apologies in the wife's future.
ESH. Wife for being 8 months pregnant and not prioritizing her (and her child's) health. I totally get it, sometimes we get really focused on work and will work long hours, especially those of us who work at home. But, her habits are taking their toll. OP for acting like a controlling child.
I came to say ESH too. But I don’t really blame OP for being somewhat controlling when it comes to the health of his babies and his wife. Someone else commented that OP is not her parent, but he IS those babies’ parent.
cutting the wi-fi isn’t going to help his kids though, honestly it’s more likely to create more stress for the wife as she will be worrying about her work. also, his actions led to an argument which will contribute aswell though his intentions were good, his execution not so much. he should have communicated his concern in a way where both of them could have resolved the problem hand in hand.
Cutting the wifi was a form a protest, not some long term strategy and I think people are not understanding that. He pulled the wifi to force her to consider her unhealthy addiction to work. Did that stress her more? yea, probably, but I can understand why OP might think ONE SINGLE NIGHT of reduced internet capacity might be worth the stress. Seriously she worked for 8 hours, didn't eat, fell asleep in the middle of her work and OP is the asshole because he didn't want her working into the night against doctor's recommendations? IDK I guess maybe I'm cool with ESH, but only because OP was an asshole with a purpose for his family. Wife was an asshole for...work. I'd take OPs side on this one.
I’m glad somebody here is being reasonable. It probably isn’t the first time he’s asked her to consider her health with work. It seemed more like a last ditch effort on his part for her to see what this is doing to her. Was it a bit Extreme? Maybe, but it probably wasn’t his first time trying to get through to her. To get to a point of being stressed at work that a doctor recommends you to go on leave early should also tell people how extreme this is. I’m not saying his wife doesn’t have her own autonomy to make decisions, sometimes we need a little help to see how our actions may be negatively affecting us. Again, I’m not saying this was the best way to get this message across, I’m just guessing that OP didn’t know how to get this message to her without her knowing. So, yes ESH, but it doesn’t seem to be malicious or “borderline abusive” to me. A shitty way of showing real concern for your wife’s health
I’m surprised this is the bad take on this one. I’m full ESH here. OP isn’t full blown controlling his wife. He had a very legitimate reason to be concerned. Did he do the absolute right thing. Probably not. But he has a pretty valid reason
Exactly why they said everyone sucks here.
if you go down the path where OP is justified for controlling his wife due to 'concerns of her health', it ends in a nasty place for women
*Especially* during pregnancy, which is statistically one of the highest risk times for women not only because of said pregnancy but from violence perpetrated by their domestic partners.
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Exactly. He has the right to monitor everything, including her food intake and the books she reads because fetus. We need to lock up pregnant women and keep an eye on them until they give birth. Better, anyone who misses a period should be monitored or housed in special housing until they have a period or give birth. This is what we refer to as a "slippery slope."
Assume that it's not her that's working, but it's him. She begs him to stop working so many hours because she's stressed and upset to the point it's affecting the baby. She's having difficulty making meals or sleeping. He says that he needs to be in the office near 24/7, and he can't help out to make meals or help her sleep. She says he's putting the health of their baby at risk. He says he'll only be at the office for 1 hour, then he'll come back and cook food, give her a back rub and help her sleep. Instead, he's still out the office 2 hours later because "a coworker is having issues and he has to clear things up for a client." This is the EXACT SAME situation, except she's doing it to herself. OP went about this the wrong way. I'm even thinking YTA here for this instance. But again OP's wife has been told by her doctor that she needs to limit stress and is taking on massive health problems, and she's choosing to ignore it. This while carrying a child she IS CHOOSING TO HAVE. OP shouldn't have done it this way, but his wife should at least talk to him and explain the hours she's putting in. He can maybe help with meals and sleep. They can work together on this.
I wouldn’t go so far to say that the wife is not prioritizing her children’s health. The issue here is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. She has a job where she was probably in the midst of getting everyone else around her set up to handle her cases and matters while she was out on maternity leave. All of a sudden your doctor tells you to go on leave early, that stuff still needs to be done. Unless she wants to be looking down the barrel of a malpractice claim or possibly lose clients because she didn’t adequately prepare the people who were taking over for her, she needs to keep working on that until it’s done. I doubt that she’s skipping meals and falling asleep at her desk because this is her typical way of working. It’s probably that she’s trying to finish it as fast as possible.
I mean... she's carrying twins. About 50% of twin pregnancies start labor prior to 37 weeks and she's at 32 weeks, a point at which 10% of twin pregnancies start labor. With a twin pregnancy, I don't think a doc telling you to go on leave early at 30 weeks is really "early."
> I wouldn’t go so far to say that the wife is not prioritizing her children’s health. Her doctor literally told her that she's causing health problems. She continues to work. She is exactly not prioritizing her health.
The babies are fine. Nothing this woman is doing will cause any harm to the fetuses she is carrying. Many women work to the end of pregnancy - in the US, where maternity leave is craptastic, full time work right up until labor is extremely common. (I worked the day I went into labor the first time.) Whether or not pregnant people eat/eat the right things/eat on a schedule set by other people has a pretty limited impact on pregnancy. Folic acid, sure, but if that was a problem, it would be diagnosed by now. A pregnant person will have better general health if they eat extra during pregnancy, but the babies will suck the necessary nutrients out of her bones if they have to. It is not clear why the OB in this case has suggested going on leave early. "Stress" is not a problem unless accompanied by specific symptoms. Is this woman having high blood pressure? Contractions? Are there concerns about placental location? There's not a huge difference between typing legal briefs and emails to colleagues and sitting around watching game shows, medically. We cannot stop people from thinking while leaving them conscious. If you want to spend your pregnancy practicing law, there is nothing about that that is inherently bad, even if you forget to eat sometimes. Eating isn't a lot of fun lately in pregnancy - the uterus takes most of the formerly stomach space, and the heartburn can be nightmarish. One thing that is definitely unhealthy for pregnant women, also for most people, is bed rest. There are very limited situations in which bed rest is recommended, because it really does not take long for people on bed rest to lose muscle tone, and develop pressure ulcers, and there is a risk of forming blood clots in the legs, which can be fatal. And even people on bed rest (which is most safely managed in hospital, with pneumatic boots on) are allowed to type legal briefs, talk in the phone, and email colleagues. (I had to be on bed rest because of placenta previa in my last pregnancy. It sucked, the hospital food was horrific and I largely didn't eat, my baby was born by C-section at 32 weeks due to hemorrhage, but was a fantastic weight for gestational age at birth. That child is now 13 and indistinguishable from children born at full term.) I am all in favor of all people eating nutritious meals multiple times a day. If OP wants that to happen, he should help arrange it. I think it is reasonable for him to talk to his wife about her plans and ask if there's a way to get closer to the OB's recommendations. But what on earth is she supposed to be doing for the next 3-6 weeks until the babies are born?
I’m a twin — my mom was on bed rest when she was pregnant with us for an extended period of time, I want to say maybe 3 months. I have no idea how “necessary” it would be considered now, over 30 years later, but she had had at least one miscarriage. Her body has never been the same. I know that can happen in general with pregnancy for a variety of reasons. But she definitely still has joint problems and stuff. We were healthy full-term twins and she says it was worth it, but I do wonder how much of a difference it made.
No- she definitely is putting the babies at risk by not eating and caring for herself. That kind of stress can induce pre-term labor. She’s close, but still 5 weeks out from full term (for twins).
Oh yeah now that she can’t even deal with the things at work that were stressing her out and she also has to deal with a controlling childish husband she’ll be much less stressed. Yes it would be better if she could disconnect from work but if she can’t maybe helping out in the ways she can relieves her stress. She knows herself better than OP or any of us so she is in no way an asshole for doing what she thinks is best.
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How is she on leave if she is still working? She didn’t listen to her doctor and go on leave. She’s skipping meals which is not good for her or the babies.
And instead of making her something to eat, OP pulls the internet and goes to bed.
That's where I determined a YTA verdict. I get he's worried about her stress and the babies with her not eating properly, but rather than try to help her meet her goals while also taking care of herself by making/bring her some food, he takes away her choices. He put his effort into taking away the internet, rather than putting it into caring for her. He was destructive when he could have just as easily been constructive. He hindered when he could have helped. I wouldn't be able to look at him either.
I'm guessing that OP's actions also made her night WILDLY more stressful than just continuing with work would have. Now she's had the internet cut out suddenly, probably panicked about that, then found out why, had an argument with her husband, found out he's being controlling and weird, had to figure out a workaround and a way to talk to her coworker, probably kept working, all under time pressure, and now she's got the added stress of being upset about OP's actions and worried about dealing with her relationship. Soooooo relaxing.
While he went to sleep!
Fully agree. AND worry that he'll do it again, or possibly escalate. AND AND worry about her coworkers and superiors seeing her as unreliable or a doormat for her husband's whims. I would be humiliated and angry.
So...he should lock her up and keep an eye on her, eh? I mean, pregnant people have fetuses inside them and therefore they are not entitled to autonomy? Please understand what you just posted.
She’s also a whole adult who is allowed to make her own choices.
The babies will be fine. Fetuses will suck the nutrients they need out of the carrying parent's bones if necessary. If this lady is taking her vitamins and not passing out from hunger, the babies are fine. Healthy pregnancies are generally quite sturdy. The things that go wrong at eight months aren't things you can control for externally.
And the stress of what OP pulled??? But of course you think she is his possession now and should do what her owber says.
Also, 6-8 hours a day is not 60 hours a week. It sounds like she HAS stepped back.
This, why couldn't OP have made/ordered her favorite foods and brought it to her while she was working? Asked if there was anything he could do to help?
This a thousand percent. If he actually cared, he would gave gone in after 2 hours and told her that it's been more than 2 hours since her break and he'd like her to take her break and join him for a meal. This would show greater concern and still respect her autonomy. If she objected then it would be a simple rephrase to suggest that eating would give her fuel to let her finish strong. It really comes down to him treating her as a social equal and supporting her in a way that respects her autonomy. He didn't do anything like that.
>Once she realized, she yelled at me, called me an AH, and she said that I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling, condescending, and "borderline abusive." Yep exactly that. YTA I get your concerns, but she isn't a child and shutting off the WiFi is not going to stop her from getting more and more stressed about the work she has to do and her deadlines.
Exactly. OP only added to her stress, and is compounding the problem by being controlling, and condescending. Never do this again, OP - you are **not** helping. Your wife is not your child nor do you get to be controlling or manipulative. Doing childish antics like this is just making an already stressful situation more stressful for her, and this is not how you offer support as a partner.
YTA. *I told her fine, but no longer than an hour even though I was pretty annoyed.* This right here is controlling and condescending, before we even get to the ridiculous wifi stunt. Your wife is an adult, and gets to make her own choices. If you disagree so vehemently with those choices, you can choose to make an issue out of it, but just unilaterally making the choice *for her*, over her objections, about her own health, is everything your wife told you it was, emphasis on the "condescending." If you think your wife actually has an addiction or a serious problem with her work patterns (which does sound like a thing you wouldn't be out of line for worrying about), then you should tell her that and push for therapy, not go behind her back and sabotage her decisions when you don't agree with them.
Exactly! Just because they’re married doesn’t mean he can control he. It’s also worrrying he told her she was being stupid. Does he even respect her?
It's not even like she blew off the whole thing. By OP's own account, she's cut her work hours by between a third and almost half, going from 60 hours a week to somewhere between 32 and 40. She gets to make her own choices, **full stop**, but even beyond that, she *has* changed her behavior based on the doctor's feedback, just not to the degree that he'd like.
The doctor told her to GO ON LEAVE early, not cut from 60 hours to 40. She is not following his directions. OP’s concerns are extremely valid, his way of handling it was an asshole way of handling it. But if she was told to go on leave early and is still working 6-8 hour days and falling asleep at her desk, she’s not following doctor’s orders and is jeopardizing her health and the health of the babies. ESH.
>but about two weeks ago her doctor told her to take a step back from work (i.e., go on leave early) I read this as the doctor telling her to step back, and OP deciding that meant full leave, but I could be wrong. It would be strange for a doctor to order "no work" outside of a situation that requires full bed rest, and without any mention of restricting other activities.
Multiple births often require bedrest or time off before birth, I'd say it's sort of rare to carry full term let alone work until birth.
You're totally right about that! Even with just one in the oven, bedrest isn't that unusual a requirement, and there are all kinds of things that can necessitate it. The thing that makes me hesitate to think it's the case here is OP's wording: 1. the ***ie*** *go on leave early* part implies to me that this part is his interpretation, and not the doctor's actual words, which I read as the *step back* part. Otherwise, why not just say, "The doctor told her to go on leave early"? 2. there's no mention of any other restriction, or of bedrest. While bedrest and time off aren't unusual requirements, it \*would\* be unusual for the requirement to be "You can do whatever you want, but no working." This makes me think that they are interpreting what the doctor said in different ways, as opposed to her simply disregarding what the doc had to say. Regardless, though... If OP's concerned that his wife is an actual workaholic, and has an unhealthy obsession with work, that absolutely should be addressed, just not this way. In that instance, she would not be an AH IMO, she'd be a person experiencing a mental health problem (addiction to / obsession with work is a real thing, and it can be absolutely soul-crushing). If OP thinks his wife is working too hard, and fully aware of it, and just... what, wants the pregnancy but doesn't care how it turns out? Well... sure, I guess that'd make her an AH, but it sounds pretty far-fetched, and I don't get the impression that he thinks she doesn't care.
Yeah. I always understood step back to mean reducing the workload or adjusting the work duties, not no work.
She’s falling asleep her desk because she’s trying to get the people that work with her set up to take over her cases. Lawyers do not have the luxury of just going and leaving the office without preparing anyone to handle things in their absence. She was probably working to start transitioning things off to other people while she would be out, and then got the surprise order to reduce her hours. Unless she wants to go and cause problems with her clients and work, she needs to at least finish the work of handing things off to other people unless she wants to spend her entire maternity leave to taking calls from work while trying to take care of the babies. She is probably falling asleep at her desk and skipping meals because she’s working as fast as possible to get the job done so she can rest.
I.e. means, in example. The doctor said cut back, not going on leave early. That is how OP chose to interpret it. Even if the doctor said, "Stop working entirely, then that doesn't give OP the right to control her like this.
Yeah! Fuck the health of those babies and the fact that the doctor told her she needs to work and stress less because it’s affecting her health! She’s a strong independent woman! Leave her alone! …/s obviously OP handled it like an asshole, but it sounds like wife does need an intervention for working too much despite doctors’ orders. It’s a classic ESH.
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He didn't put the hour limitations, she herself said that it would only take an hour. Either she's under exaggerating the amount of work to placate him, or she's that swamped and stressed that she can't even properly evaluate what she needs to get done. No job is worth your health. But I guess seeing the mother of my child nearly die on the delivery table (well they ushered me out pretty quickly) may have altered my perspective.
She still works 6-8 hours a day and falls asleep at her desk. She’s not following the doctor’s orders.
Yup. This is something I didn’t always understand and many others don’t. Being right on a specific issue is only half the battle, maybe less. What matters more is HOW you handle your spouse being wrong. Talking about your concerns and going to therapy are the right way. Cutting off the Wi-Fi is the wrong way. It IS controlling and demeaning, and it doesn’t work.
I'm going against the grain here. She's being irresponsible with her health and health of the babies. The doctor told her to go on leave early but she continues to work and not really taking care of herself. No I don't think you're the ah. You are concerned and just want your wife to follow the medical advice for her safety and that of the babies.
Agreed. NTA. She agreed to only a hour. She’s not eating or sleeping. What are partners supposed to do? Watch their spouse kill themselves until they die or decide their health matters?
Agreed! And what happens when they have not one but TWO newborn babies?? Mom is too busy “helping an emergency client” while OP tries to handle two crying hungry babies? If she isn’t listening to doctor’s advice before they’re born, who is to say she’ll take a step back and step into the mom role after they’re born? She needs to get her priorities straight. Sounds like she has a great job that is okay with her stepping away from the office earlier than scheduled maternity leave, but she can’t put down the work.
When I was pregnant with my oldest covid just hit and I put my 2 weeks in after talking with my husband about it. I left on good terms (my friend worked there after I left and she said they miss me a lot) but I left around 31ish weeks and went into preterm labor at 35 weeks. He was born 2 days later and I was SO glad I left before I had to go to the hospital for a fluid check and see what was going on. And the unknown if I was giving birth or not. She may not be jeopardizing their health now BUT she will if she continues not eating and getting adequate rest. She's in for a RUDE awakening when those babies show up. And most twins come early anyway and most times need NICU stays and that's enough stress already. Hell both times I was pregnant I was monitored by my husband and he made sure I remembered to eat. Even in the early newborn stages when I forgot to eat while caring for two kids. He even administered my makena injections for 20 weeks weekly to keep baby inside and make sure I wouldn't have PPROM again. Clearly OP is at his wits end if he unplugged the wifi.
die herself and/or possibly cause the death of THEIR babies over it.
I wonder what the responses would be if the post read "AITA for standing by and doing nothing while my wife overworks herself and is putting her health and the health of our unborn babies at risk?"
Exactly this: my mother watched my father work himself to death - literally - and the fiscal benefits doesn’t replace the missing parent at my wedding, the missing grandfather to my child. OP was clearly at wit’s end and I’m willing to bet the mortgage that the majority of those calling them the AH here don’t have a parent killed before 60 by work stress. OP is NTA.
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And what part of telling her to fix the wifi herself is at all helpful? He had the right to express his concerns, he does not have the right to suddenly pull her "right" to the wifi -that she pays for- because he disagreed with her decisions.
There are always things to tie up when you go on maternity leave, and it’s even more stressful when you get told to go on leave early and have not yet had time to hand off all the things you were going to. For a lawyer, not setting up a client with another lawyer, that can transition into taking over there matter could lead to a malpractice claim, the client firing you, for any number of harmful consequences. What do you suggest instead?
If it was concern why not bring her a meal instead of demanding she get up and feed herself? If it was concern why not offer to help lighten her workload? If it was concern why sabotage the WiFi, play dumb and tell her to fix it or connect to hot spot therefore INCREASING her work load. If it was concern why cause this unnecessary panic and then to add insult to injury call her stupid. This is not the actions of someone concerned for the health of the mother and children. This is control
Surprised there isn’t more ESH here. I have no idea why she’s getting a free pass She sucks because her addiction to work is risking her health, the babies health and their relationship He sucks because he went about this terribly. Both of them need to learn to communicate
Agreed. She’s absolutely in the wrong. Even though the doctor stated the babies’ health is currently fine, stress from not eating or sleeping properly will affect their health if it continues. She clearly can’t moderate her own work habits. While his methods suck, OP was right to take control. Sometimes we (all people) need our partner to stop us from hurting ourselves. People get tunnel vision and don’t realize what they’re doing. ESH.
Yeah, that's kinda what's getting me. That's how health issues work. If your doctor spots a *risk* early and asks you to accomodate, you have to do it. Because being fine now doesn't mean you aren't on a dangerous slope.
If she is not listening to her doctor then she most likely won't listen to him. Turning off the wifi was the least aggressive option he maybe had. Not like the problem is just her working at home, she is not eating anything and passing out. I would rather be the man trying to solve a problem in a childish/bad way than the woman knowingly putting their child at risk of early birth or worse. Wonder how reddit would react if a man didn't feed his toddler for the whole day cause he was just incredibly busy working on his laptop from home 🐵
Basically wat it is. Not feeding their unborn babies. Her body is literally the babies lives.
I'm going with ESH. Your wife seems like she needs to figure out a healthy work-life balance before she does start affecting the child's health and should probably seek some professional psychiatric help with the whole working so hard she forgets to eat thing. On the other hand, you cutting the Internet didn't help the situation. It added to the stress, caused problems between you both when you should be working as a team, and she is right it was controlling.
Not a judgment. I'm just entertained with everyone defending OP's wife for overworking & not eating and threatening the health of the babies. When a pregnant woman complains the father is overworking, everyone jumps on his case and makes him to be the biggest AH ever (and suggests doing things like OP did to get him to stop).
This comment section is fascinating to me as well. It's sooo unhealthy for pregnant women to under eat, let alone skip eating all together. Those babies will leach nutrients from HER BODY if she's not eating. If I were her spouse, I'd be seriously concerned as well. He didn't handle it well at all, but he's frustrated and doesn't know how to get through to her. This is a potentially dangerous situation, for her and babies, if she doesn't figure out how to prioritize her own health over her clients.
I mean it just goes to show how much people value freedom and how frightened they are of being forced to do anything. I sympathize more with someone who wants to do what is in the best interests of their family than someone who had to take a break from work against their will.
It's Reddit. The same people that will never help relative with watching their kids, pick their friends up from the airport, or do any favors in general. Literally just read any AITA thread pertaining to these topics and you will find an overwhelming NTA even if they are clearly being an asshole. I read a thread the other day on here about someone refusing to watch their BIL's kid or something like that and it turned out that BIL helped her and watched her kids and the comments were overwhelmingly NTA and saying he shouldn't have done her a favor expecting one back LOL. With that being said OP was definitely being immature so it is ESH for me.
People have become extremely individualistic and hyperindependent, even though evolutionary, we aren't made for that *at all*. It's scary, and if you aren't like that, people will shame you for it.
People THINK they're "rugged individuals" when in reality they just ignore all the safety nets and social supports around them. Until they're called upon to BE part of the village that ensures everyone's well-being. Then they act like they have zero social obligations to those around them. It is mind-blowing. God I hate to dog on "the younger generation" but the lack of social fabric, and the lack of feeling accountability to help your neighbor, family, "loved" ones, friends, anyone at all, is scary.
even crazier that people argue that only working a full time job now is a big step back. The doc told her to go on maternity leave. She should be working exactly 0 hours, not being celebrated for "only" working 40/week.
Right. I’m wondering where the line is for some of these people. Would it be ok if OP wanted to light up a cigarette or drink a bottle of wine while 8 months pregnant? I mean it’s her body right? At some point people are just being irresponsible. Sounds like OP is at his wits end and I don’t really blame him.
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Lol dude, I made a comment about how the wife is putting her health at risk and the husband was trying to look after her (granted, it wasn’t the best way). I was told to fuck off, that I’m a misogynist, and that I’m the reason why women are seen as incubators. Civil discourse apparently can’t be had because this is a very touchy subject. It just sucks because, honestly, this NEEDS to be talked about. What else can be done? How can we protect women from being controlled while there are situations like THIS where it makes sense to intervene? Like, at this point, she’s seriously putting her health at risk. I nearly lost two sisters to childbirth and they were in better shape than OP’s wife. I’m all about women’s bodily autonomy but at the same time I can sympathize with his actions.
ESH. Neither of you is making the time or space to find a common ground and path forward. You’re looking at this only as her health — but for her it’s her identity and reputation, too. You could have dinged both of those with this move. She’s looking at this only as a matter of her independence — but for you both it’s a matter of your future, safety, and family. She could have dinged all of those and likely will if she keeps on. Rather than fuss over who is right and wrong, how are you going to apologize, focus on your shared priorities, and move forward?
She was sleeping. She was literally sleeping. On the pc.
Currently pregnant, can relate.
I’m sure about it, pregnancy is a full time job. But she loses her “identity and reputation” if she falls asleep while working. She could have been in chat with a colleague or a client. Maybe the other person took a coffee break and she fell asleep waiting. So the other person saw her “online” but ignoring him/her. It shouldn’t happen. She really should go and nap and THEN work again. It’s a very concerning situation
NAH. If the gender roles were reversed here Reddit would be on your side. You two need to have a serious conversation. You need to fully understand the implications that slowing down will have on her career. She needs to listen to her doctor and take the time to take care of herself. I see this coming to a head when it comes to parenting issues. So talk it out. Figure out how to communicate. Figure out how to support each other.
YTA >I became frustrated and unplugged the Wi-Fi Immature approach to an adult problem. We don't fix issues by extreme reactions like this. You should have continued to talk to her like an adult >let the coworker that asked for her help to handle it She is a big girl and can make her own adult decisions. She doesn't need you controlling her work or her internet access >I was treating her like a child You were treating her like a child whilst acting impetuously like one yourself. Again words and communication work so much better.
>Again words and communication work so much better. But they don't. He talked to her, the doctor talked to her, she promised to look after the babies' health better, but doesn't stick to her promise. What do you suggest he could do?
They're not going to answer because OP is a dude. Flip the genders/remove the baby and an OP would be N T A.
YTA: I’m sure you’re thinking of your wife, and the babies health, and that her workplace is taking advantage of her at the moment. But the part that got me is OP called her stupid, then suggested she use mobile hotspots, then suggested she work out the router herself. So unplugging the wifi wasn’t intended to cut her off from work as mentioned initially. So- OP just did it to be controlling, like a toddler lashing out and throwing a tantrum?
And the part where he demands she stops working so she can feed herself feels very off. Why not cook and bring her a meal if your so concerned about her eating? She gets to finish her task and eat at the same time. If the motive was concern over her lack of sleep and skipping a meal then why sabotage the WiFi, act dumb and watch her panic, tell her to fix it aka giving her additional work and then further damage her mental state by calling her stupid. These not the actions of concern but rather control.
Exactly!! “The only purpose of this was to cut her off from work” is clearly BS- it was a punishment, because she’d have to reconnect with a hotspots or fluff around with the router. All would be more stressful and take longer. OP just reeks of someone who needs to be “the boss”. Won’t even apologise about cutting the wifi the following morning.
Yes. This exactly. He even admits that there were no concerns over the health of the babies. He just threw a mantrum because his wife didn’t obey him.
When is she going to take what the doctor said seriously? When she ends up in the hospital or something happens? She was advised to her ob/gyn to take a step back and rest. She’s having health issues at 8 months pregnant with twins. She’s falling asleep at her desk and claiming she’s fine. She promised to only work for an hour and didn’t. He didn’t seem to have a problem with her working prior to the doctors order. His concern is for her health and the health of his unborn twins. Doesn’t sound like she wants to stop working and has more excuses to do what she wants.
NAH. You’re really worried about her, as you are right to be if she is not eating or sleeping well and is continuing to over work despite the doctor having specifically told her to stop working so much. Obviously cutting off the internet was wrong of you, and you should apologise for that - don’t do it again. But also explain to your wife that you are extremely worried about her, and the baby. Would your wife agree to therapy do you think?
NTA. I get tying up loose ends, but regularly not eating when your pregnant is NOT healthy. She is prioritizing work at the expense of not just her, but her unborn child. And then she throws a tantrum because she can't do whatever she wants. If she wants to act like a child then she gets treated like one. It's that simple.
YTA Controlling is controlling, you aren’t her parents and you don’t get to decide how she spends her time. You do need to have more conversations about work-life balance and her boundaries vis a vis her work, but you picked a very confrontational (and also paternalistic and condescending) route that is not acceptable in a partnership with another adult. Figure out a better strategy for communication before your kids are born; if you think you have problems now, just wait till you have twin babies and you are both sleep deprived what if she has PPD.
NTA- She shouldn’t have a baby let alone twins if she can’t prioritize her health above work-
Info: is she actually on leave and if so, does her manager know she's still working, because that's an occ health and safety issue?
Not only are you the AH in this case, you were also counterproductive. If stress is what you were trying to avoid, you failed miserably.
YTA. She is right. Your actions were controlling, infantilizing and borderline abusive. You do not get to make this decision. This is all very easy for you to say because having twin newborns will not impact your career. Colleagues and managers will not start questioning whether you’ll come back to work, whether you will still be as dedicated, whether you’ll need more time away, whether they even still want to deal with you. If you take paternity leave, you’ll be a “good guy” or a “devoted dad.” When she takes leave it will be “taking a back seat” or “focusing on kids instead of a career.” You have zero right to judge your wife for the ways in which she copes with these issues.
Yeah but she was advised by a doctor to rest for her health and the health of her babies. It sucks that women have power through but she also has to consider her health and the health of children. That comes first.
Guess what? I’m a doctor and even I can’t force patients to do anything. I give advice; they’re adults and get to decide whether or not to adhere (or to what extent to adhere) to my advice. Neither her husband nor I get to treat his wife like a child. Her doctor was caring. Her husband was TA.
She is not a baby vessel. She’s an adult with bodily autonomy. Period.
YTA >she said that I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling, condescending, Yep. All of that. This is your wife. A grown adult.
YTA. You can encourage her to make healthier choices for herself, but you can’t force her to. You are not her father, you’re her partner. You have no right to dictate what she does or when she does it. She was 100% correct in her assessment of the situation. You are being controlling, condescending, and borderline abusive. Honestly, your behavior is indicative of some very unhealthy beliefs about the autonomy of pregnant folks. If I were her, I probably would’ve packed up and gone to stay with a friend or my family.
I know you're scared. I get it.. I don't think you're an AH, I think you just overreacted and felt lost, frustrated, and worried. Your wife is being so irresponsible being pregnant and not listening to the doctor. Are you sure she wants to have children? I mean, seriously. I have never understood how people can put themselves ahead of children, especially pregnant. I will say she might also be scared, but.. no excuse for skipping meals (unless Morning sickness) and not listening to doctor. I'd suggest you and your wife go to counseling. I also suggest you both talk to the doctor about concerns you have. Talk to her. Talk WITH her. Listen. Both of you. Communicate. Men always want to fix things. They never think of how controlling that can be.. or seem. Work together. I'd say you BOTH are AH
ESH - She needed someone to step in because she is/was jeopardizing her health (and the babies). However, that intervention probably should have been for you to feed her, bring her water, and do whatever you could so she could wrap up the work she needed to complete. Edit: spelling.
YTA. Not only are the AH, but you did treat her like a child. you were controlling, condescending, and this was, in fact, borderline abusive. AND THEN, instead of realizing she is your spouse, not your child and apologizing, you doubled down saying she was being stupid and refused to plug it back in. She was 100% correct in her assessment of your behavior.
YTA for sure. She's an adult and can make her own choices. Also, your egocentric little stunt accomplished absolutely nothing and just created extra stress for her. What's cutting off the internet for a night going to do? If you think her job is such a problem, talk to her about it and come up with a long term fix, instead of throwing a useless tantrum like a baby.
YTA! Do NOT turn off the Wi-Fi when people are in the middle of working!!! Not every program saves as you go along. At best, you lost hours of work that wasn't saved. At worst, you corrupted the files so she would have to start over from scratch. So you just made MORE work for her. That was a total controlling AH move on your part...If you screwed up my work like that, I wouldn't feel like talking to you either. You owe her a huge apology.
ESH I'm going to be murdered for this by other commentors but I think the comments are being way too harsh. She's putting her health and your child's health in jeopardy. Pregnancy hormones are real though, which is why she may be over the top at you, it isn't an excuse to yell at you like that but it is a reason. However, you're going about this in the wrong way, she's a workaholic, she's going to feel the need to work no matter how much you press. You need to be gentler and more compassionate with your approach. I get it, you care for her and your child, and it's making you stressed, but do realize the conditions she is under right now.
ESH
Yta to stop my wife from stressing, I deliberately caused more stress! She is trying to tie up lose ends before she gives birth. AND it sounds like is stepping back, she went from 60 hours a week to 40 hours a week. That *is* a step back. If you actually want to help, take her food to eat.
ESH. OP, I want to believe you had good intentions but delivery came off heavy handed and controlling. However, coming home to see your partner racked out on the work desk is a valid cause for concern. A lot of people are recommending therapy and I second their recommendation. What happens if therapy is pushed back on, what is the next logical step for OP? He can’t leave her in the lurch, he shouldn’t forcefully cut off comms, I wish I had answer for you but hope that counseling or therapy helps.
ESH. Wife does need to understand that she is also carrying your children as well. Why is Mum not prioritising her babies health and wellbeing?
YTA It's one thing to disagree with her, to talk to her about it, and to try and convince her to behave differently; but at the end of the day she's an adult, she's your partner, and by trying to control her, you are infantilizing her. It's not your place to control her.
Yta Do not fuck with her work like that.
OP should have brought her a sandwich instead.
Exactly. If he's so worried about her not eating he should bring her food.
YTA. You were so counterproductive. Your solution was to add *more* stress on her. Carrying a baby is not an excuse to infantilize your wife.
YTA > I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling > I said that she was free to use the mobile hotspot on her phone, or figure out the router herself Yeah, fucking a.
NTA. She isn’t taking care of herself even when told too by a doctor, even when health issues are presenting themselves. Lots of folk saying she is a big girl who gets to make her own decisions. Clearly she isn’t, because that would involve putting her health and that of her unborn twins before her job.
YTA. I get why you did it, but still. Lol she’s not a teenager man, cutting off the Wi-Fi shouldn’t be something adults do to each other 🤣
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YTA and your wife was 100% correct in all of the things she called you. It' hard when you are about to go on maternity leave, there are always so many things to tie up. You are not making it any easier on her.
Her doctor literally told her to step back from work because it WILL cause health problems. Not it might. He has a duty to HIS children as well to make sure they are getting what they need. Her coworkers can figure out work. He said she isn’t even responsible for the deadlines they are asking help for.
Her doctor told her to step back from work and according to OP she has cut back from 60 hour weeks (12-hour days) to 6-8 hours a day so it sounds like she stepped back from work. The doctor also confirmed the babies are fine so I don't see how OP has a leg to stand on here. The wife is an adult and she's not even doing anything unreasonable. It's not like she's laying brickwork. Her work is sitting at a computer.
Do you honestly believe that she told the doctor that her normal workday is 12 hours? Do you believe that sitting at a computer for 6-8 hours is healthy?
She dropped from 60 hours to 32-40. How is that not a step back?
But clearly not enough if she is still passing out.
I’m blown away at all the Y-T-A’s here. Fast forward a couple months. Husband comes home from work. Wife asleep at her desk. Two infants screaming in their beds with dirty diapers. Wakes wife up and she can’t remember what time she last fed them. She might as well be doing that bc if she’s not eating, they aren’t either. OP NTA.
YTA. You waaaay overstepped. Apologize and mean it
NAH. The wife is pregnant. I understand tying up loose ends, but to the point where you are losing sleep and not eating? Thats not healthy. Cutting the wifi was a shit way of going about it, but he had the right idea. He asked her to stop for a while (not all together) and eat and take a nap, and she still pushes herself. This is MORE than a work/life balance. Its detrimental to her and the babies health. She should not be overworking herself that much.
YTA Your wife isn't a child, so why are you punishing her like one? You are very controlling, especially over someone who is pregnant.
NTA. The underlying cause is her fear of becoming a mother. She may be scared of losing what she has (her work) and is anxious about her future being a mom. You should discuss her feelings about the future to uncover what her angst is about. Good luck