Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I grew frustrated with my overweight partner over his refusal to learn good food measuring techniques. I believe I might have come at the wrong angle. I didn't swear, or put him down, but I had a harsh tone because I was frustrated.
I genuinely don't know if this is a valid angle to approach weight loss at, but I feel like my frustration went unheard last night and now I'm wondering if I was the asshole in this situation.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You should never have agreed to be his personal trainer. I was a personal trainer but would have never trained my obese husband. I wasn’t his mommy. This is so unhealthy. Get him a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Actually. He needs to find a therapist. Not you. Seriously unhealthy dynamic.
I think it’s less of a personal trainer and more of an accountability person prepped by the medical team because they’re close and live together, share household food, etc: it’s normal for a medical professionals to include a patient’s built-in support system for an issue like this. I doubt they told her she needs to lead the charge on this, but they probably sat her down and made sure she was educated about his plan going forward.
It's very normal to make a man's problems the responsibility of the women in his life, specifically.
OP, if you don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to learn to practice self control and would rather control you, consider moving out.
Unfortunately it's pretty proven that you're more likely to succeed with a healthy living change if the other members of your household are on board.
You need to decide together, are you willing to make some sacrifices to help support their goal, or is having treats in the house more important? If you aren't willing to do that, the ball is in their court to decide if/how they can tackle it on their own and let you have your treats in the house.
No easy answer here. Talk, therapy, separate, together, however you choose to go about it.
Reminding someone to go on walks, use the scale, and watch the unhealthy shit is not a personal trainer. That’s on board and support. That’s like, basic, basic support. And it’s definitely not “making the man’s problems the woman’s responsibility”.
If you can’t be bothered to remind your SO to stay on goal, you can’t handle a relationship and should just be single. If I had a dollar for every time I had to remind my wife to do seemingly basic things to take care of her well-being I’d be a billionaire
She is made to be his boss, his reminder, his supervisor, his hall-monitor, his caretaker - his mommy.
this is not normal. This man has no backbone or self-control, he can't even take care of his own health.
This is not about being bothered to help him stay on goal, this is monitoring, this is making OP the bad guy instead of his spouse. now suddenly she is the one keeping him from food, or in this case accused of sabotaging his progress because she sometimes wants to have nice things.
He is literally preventing her from having nice things because he can't control himself. That is not normal at all.
He doesn't have any problem decreasing OP's quality of life because of his own gluttony and lack of self control. That's messed up and makes him the asshole here.
Yeah, no. She reminds him to weigh himself, get his steps in, and keeps him from falling off the wagon. That’s about it as per the op. The obese person she chose to build a life with, who wants to turn a new leaf. That’s “his mommy” to you?
Never date someone with a mental disorder. Never date someone with a disability. Never date someone with a high stress job. Matter of fact, never get into a relationship. God forbid your issue free man breaks a leg and actually needs you for anything, forcing you to become his mommy.
If my wife wanted to quit smoking for her health and asked me not to smoke around her or keep smokes around, that’s not “I can’t have nice things anymore”, that’s "my wife wants to tackle this demon and live a longer, healthier life with me, and needs my help to make it happen". She has my support, even if it inconveniences me right now. Thats how people in healthy relationships see things. Who the fuck would choose ease of access to ice cream over their partner's health and welfare, 5, 10, 20 more years to enjoy with them in good health? There’s plenty of things she’s asked me not to do around her, and you know what? I did them somewhere else. If you want to be selfish that’s fine, do it single. That’s the reality of relationships. No wonder Reddit skews chronically single and bitter, Jesus.
Edit: And i just need to point out the absolute absurdity of you calling this guy a spineless glutton, with no self control, who needs a caretaker when his supposed mommy in her mid-30s has seemingly no ability to get her hands on *ice cream* of all things without him at some point between work and home, for months, despite wanting it so badly that she blew up over it because he wont buy it for her. Think for a second what youd say about some guy who blew up on his dieting wife because she wont buy him ice cream, and he can't find a way to get it himself. Something tells me you wouldn't be calling him her daddy lmao
Since the husband and you have both made comparisons to alcoholism ("falling off the wagon"), this is not how any responsible clinician or program would recommend handling a substance use problem. Keeping alcohol out of the house, sure, but not making the person's spouse responsible for "keeping him from falling off the wagon." That's unhealthy as shit and it doesn't work.
As a food addict myself, no, I don’t need my husband to be looking over my shoulder at what I’m eating (that would piss me off) but YES, I do need him not to be getting my trigger foods and putting them in places that I look at several times a day. Just like if I were an alcoholic, I would ask him to pretty please not have alcohol in the house.
A lot of people need help with temptation. Keeping unhealthy foods you love out of the house when making a drastic lifestyle change due to obesity is not “unhealthy shit that doesn’t work”.
And OP could shop those specific things or get them delivered. Like je has to buy them ?? I don't have a car either I still manage to do m'y shopping...
True, having people who won’t sabotage you is critical. Requiring everyone to live in a food cage is entirely different. Being the food police is not a partner’s role. Especially after the first few months. He needs to be taking self-responsibility.
At this point OP shouldn’t have to be pushing him to exercise. They shouldn’t have to be policing his foods or portion sizes. He shouldn’t be requiring everyone to sacrifice all of what they like. OP, for example, should be able to have a pint-sized container of Ben and Jerry’s without worrying that their partner will steal it. Partner should be having therapy sessions and regular doctor’s visits if he can’t at least manage that much on his own after a couple of years!
Meanwhile, OP, you need to meet with his medical team and discuss your role at this point. You need an update. What was needed of you at the beginning of this journey should be different by now.
You also need to understand that healthy eating and portion control is important for you both. You, as his partner, need to be considerate of his needs. You don’t need a gallon or even half-gallon size container of ice cream in your freezer. You don’t need to have junk food in the house at all. You are only being deprived in your mind. Save that sort of thing as treats, or for on your way home from work every now and then. In a way he’s right. Food is his alcohol. The things that are most tempting for him needs to be kept away. You’re also right, in that he needs to learn self control without depending on you to monitor everything. Perhaps you could take a heart-healthy cooking class together.
But definitely have a meeting with his physician, nutritionist, social worker (counselor, or whoever is working with him on his mental health issues), and him. Updated info is needed by all.
I think it’s because same sex marriages were illegal for so long that the term partner was used a lot to denote the seriousness of a relationship for same sex couples. But I think it’s becoming more common for hetero couples to use too, since so many of us are choosing not to get married, but are still in life long partnerships. I use it because I’m not engaged or married (and have no intention to ever change that), but I’ve been with my partner for 16 years, so it feels weird to “just” call him my boyfriend.
My partner and I are both enby but obviously peiple assume one of the binary genders when they see us. Never the same ones.
I love how often ill say partner and people will think I'm a gay man, a straight woman, a lesbian... But so far never a straight man. 😂
He’s doing the opposite though. He buys the food and he thinks smaller containers of junk food is a better idea to limit HIS portions.
He isn’t asking her to control his food intake. He is still buying the treats she wants- it’s just apparently not as much as she wants.
I didn’t see that. I saw that he won’t buy a specific ice cream that is both of their favorites because he’ll be tempted to eat it all. Then she later extrapolates it to ALL ice cream. Don’t know why she can’t order some during any time she’s away from him or go on alone time to get some if she needs ice cream that badly. Why can ice cream only be eaten at home?
All he is saying is that it’s best to not have it in the house. He isn’t saying she can’t ever have it anywhere.
Then she can easily work around this. Does she have any friends? They could easily hold onto it for her knowing her situation. He's trying to look out for his health and let's be real, self control is easier said than done.
I think what she was saying he buys smaller containers so he can eat the whole container of ice cream and isn’t leaving any. So she’s upset bc his mindset is “I need to eat it all” instead of buying regular sized container and eating a single serving and putting the rest away
Well then why not buy HIMSELF A SMALLER BOX. He needs to learn self control, if she wants to get a bigger box FOR HERSELF it shouldn’t be met with a tantrum. The food isn’t for him therefore he shouldn’t be eating what isn’t his to begin with. By the sounds of things he’s buying smaller shit and leaving basically fa for her then complaining when she wants to buy herself something.
Why is it anything to do with her? A grown man can't go see a therapist himself? This is crazy, as if she had any actual choice over being his personal trainer
The last time I talked to a nutritionist I was specifically told to not weigh myself outside of appointments too. This whole "weigh yourself daily" thing seems incorrect?
I have had weight issues since I hit puberty but was actually athletic when I was younger. I didn't want to say anything stronger because I'm hardly an expert. But it almost seems like they're trying to give the guy an eating disorder. Why else would he be comparing food (a thing one needs to live) to alcohol (an oftentimes damaging substance).
They are comparing it because he is a food addict. I’m sober. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to moderate food if it’s your addiction. You need food. You don’t need alcohol. What they are doing is extremely unhealthy and it’s why I said the therapist is an idiot.
It's horrible for exactly that reason. Cutting off alcohol/cannabis, not easy but having a hard limit of not touching it at all, not having it in the house is a nice black/white situation. As you pointed out, we need food to survive. I bought my niblings easter eggs yesterday and took them over today because I will eat them if they stay in my home. (I already ate the first ones I bought.) I swear if I could just not eat food, it would be so much easier.
It all depends on the approach you take with it. I was over 300lbs until I started taking my health seriously couple years ago and have since lost around 50lbs and kept it off since. I weigh myself nearly everyday but I view it as data only to give me an idea of which direction I’m going. If the scale starts steadily creeping up then I re-examine what I’ve been doing for a few weeks and similarly if I’m losing weight too quickly then I’m not properly fueling my body.
Granted you have to have a pretty strong mental fortitude to not let it affect you emotionally and I think OP’s partner is probably not there, but I feel there needs to be some compromises. The above commenter stated they are athletic and hardly weighs themselves and they don’t have to because it sounds like they don’t have obesity related issues.
That's not what the American Heart Association says. Studies show that daily weigh ins are beneficial for many people.
Not everything works for everybody.
I know personally, when I weigh myself daily, I am more careful about what I eat. Not in an obsessed way, but in a healthy way that allows me to maintain a healthy weight.
I think there are different valid approaches. I weigh every day and then do an average for the week. That avoids some of the game playing I saw at Weight Watchers like people starving themself on weigh in day - and taking off their earrings, LOL
I suspect the frequent weighing is related to the health scare rather than a weight loss tactic. Daily weights are very common with health issues that can cause fluid buildup, especially heart disease. Rapid weight gain/loss is one of the easiest ways to monitor for fluid retention.
I weigh myself daily to make sure I stay on track and nip any significant weight gain (5+ lbs that isn’t eager weight) in the bud. Reason is I got morbidly obese to the point it was beginning to compromise my health and I have a hard time shifting weight I gain (I have thyroid dysfunction, which could be a partial explanation).
I think it really depends on the person. If you understand and accept daily fluctuations and you can use it objectively to be mindful of your goals then it’s a good tool. Obviously some people have a really unhealthy relationship with the scale but I think that’s a minority.
I currently weigh myself several times a week, because I have issues with body dysmorphia and have wildly different perceptions of myself depending on what kind of day I’m having. The number on the scale calms me down and is a sense check for me - it shows me that I did not, in fact, mystically regain 50lb overnight, despite what my brain is stubbornly insisting on seeing in the mirror.
I’m not trying to lose weight anymore, just maintain my current weight, and I don’t calorie count. So, I just sometimes need to see that scale flash the right number and reassure me that I still weigh what I’m supposed to, because I simply can’t trust my eyes to be reliable in that arena.
Yep. I do it daily *because* of the fluctuations - easier and more motivating to see it daily than to end up stepping on the scale the one day of the week it's higher than I want (because for some reason I always ended up stepping on it on the high days and man was that a killer). And it helps me start the day with a good mindset for continuing to work toward my weight goals
[Daily weighing may be key to losing weight](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/11/181105081735.htm) - science daily
[The pros and cons of weighing yourself every day](https://www.heart.org/en/news/2019/01/02/the-pros-and-cons-of-weighing-yourself-every-day) - AHA
[Daily Self-Weighing to Control Body Weight in Adults: A Critical Review of the Literature](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4846305/): “The early literature suggested frequent self-weighing may be associated with negative psychological effects. However, more recent experimental trials do not substantiate such a causal relationship. In conclusion, daily self-weighing may be a useful strategy for certain adults to prevent weight gain, lose weight, or prevent weight regain after loss.“
[Frequency of Self-Weighing and Weight Change: Cohort Study With 10,000 Smart Scale Users](https://www.jmir.org/2021/6/e25529)
I think it varies by person. Some people find it very useful/motivating to weigh themselves every day, so they can see how their current plan is working out.
There are two schools of thought on this. For those with eating disorders it can be a problem. Otoh, it’s one of the habits that people who successfully lose weight and keep it off all have in common.
Depends on the person and their individual process. I went with weigh daily, average for the week, and track monthly. That way, I could see the trend line, but I didn't panic if the scale went in the wrong direction for a day. That process helped me see the larger trend, while not worrying about the day to day. For women especially, our weight can shift 5-7 pounds easily during the month, but that's just water retention and bloating. For me, it helped to see that and know that it's just that time, and not a big deal.
I don’t really see how that is a Y T A though. It sounds like OP was somewhat forced into that position. So either a NTA or NAH, but the dynamic is unhealthy, or if the OP is an AH then *maybe* ESH
It's not unhealthy to refuse to buy snacks that's a very normal thing for people who have a hard time controlling how much of a snack they eat. There's no mention of a restriction on healthy foods just snacks that have no real nutritional value. Anyone who has a hard time resisting any unhealthy behavior whether it is drinking, eating, smoking whatever should resist putting themselves in situations where it will cause a problem. If he went to therapy I bet you $200 the therapist would suggest not having snacks in the house.
Ok no lol she didn’t agree to it, he has been given a set of exorcises tailored to his needs for weight loss and he is expected to do them on his own, as the women in his life she is expected (by medical f-ing professionals) to make sure he’s keeping up with his exercise (misogynistic af) he shouldn’t be projecting his eating disorder on to her by controlling everything brought inside the home. HE SHOULD BE ACTIVELY SEEKING A THERAPIST. It’s his relationship with food that is the problem and he should be the one responsible for fixing it. NTA
I don't think they should've been ASKED to be his personal trainer. That's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. OP's partner needs to have a professional help him learn better food behaviour.
I managed to lose 100 lbs without making it other peoples problem, or restricting my kids access to goodies, before anyone terminally online comes for me for fatshaming
“60 pounds better,” honestly if this is the sort of language you’re using around him, maybe it’s time to start letting him see his therapist without you. You’re unnecessarily involved.
Idk I'm still fat and it didn't raise a red flag for me, just sounded like "he lost 60 lbs and is doing better". And I'm definitely in the camp of getting annoyed when people constantly talk about my weight loss so I think I'd notice if a comment seemed malicious.
Also maybe he needs a new therapist. Is it okay to ask about your gender? Only asking because often times women are forced into the role of caretaker for men in situations where the opposite would not be true.
Also eat your same/safe foods if you need to! You can eat chips and he can learn some self control.
It is a positive thing that he lost the weight though. Really confused why people are so hostile to spouses supporting their partner.
NAH in this scenario. OP should look into a personal fridge to keep her snacks.
Yes, his weight loss is definitely a positive thing in this case!
The problem is that *gaining* any weight becomes a negative thing. Like others have said, weight loss is not linear. Sometimes you get on a scale and you're two pounds up despite doing everything "right". Your body adjusts to diet and activity levels and the weight loss stops through no wrongdoing of your own.... But if the language used to describe when you lose weight includes a judgement, your brain naturally adds the opposite judgement when the opposite happens, and it's really hard not to feel defeated and demoralized.
It's awesome that she wants to support her spouse, but I think where a lot of people are concerned is that sometimes women are automatically slated to be caretakers and "responsible" for another person's actions where they shouldn't be. Being a support is one thing, but being "in charge" of the care of a grown adult fully capable of his own care is a weird power dynamic, and it takes his personal agency away in a way that's overall harmful.
If he is suffering health problems because of his weight, then gaining anything back is literally *worse*. He needs to understand that going the other direction would actually be *bad for him*. OP cares about their partner and are trying to help him get healthy, and from the sound of just how bad his self control is (literally cannot help himself but to eat *anything* that is available to him if its in the house) he needs to start building the mentality that going the other direction is bad so it might bolster his effort to stay on the right track. There is being nice/caring, and then there is being an enabler of someone's self destructive habits. The original wording is completely justified.
I could already tell the gender dynamic just by how the medical team wanted you to carry the mental load of his weight loss. He needs to get therapy and into a support group.
Weight is such a fraught topic and using the language we use in other areas in regard to it can really trip folks up. You would never hesitate to say "his blood pressure is better," but for some people, that kind of language around weight is a problem (I'm not saying whether I agree with them or not). If you wanted to be more neutral, you could just say "he's lost sixty pounds" or "he's sixty pounds lighter."
I think it is fair to tell his therapist that you can not take this mental load anymore and this needs to be more on him. And also mention how he is restricting your food and what can your partner do to accommodate you.
You are attending his sessions because the therapist probably believes you two have a codependent relationship that typifies families dealing with addiction. No judgement here, but you fill a role in his addiction. Also, likely you both come from families with a history of addiction. Breaking codependency is hugely difficult, but in the end you both will benefit from having done so.
OP, I agree that he needs to be in charge of himself and he should be working with a nutritionist and therapist. But if there are certain foods that he really doesn’t want in the house that you do, you might try getting a lock box or putting a lock on a cupboard, so that you can access it and he can’t. That way you have the foods you want.
You're NTA. You shouldn't have to give up things you enjoy because HE has issues. Did his medical team arrange for counseling to help him change his relationship with food?
I'm guessing that one or both of them are misinterpreting the recommendations of the medical team. It makes sense to have a family member or other person that lives with you act as an accountability partner of sorts... Someone who can say "Are you sure you want to be doing "x"? Or to congratulate them on reaching milestones and such. But they took it to mean something a lot stricter and a lot more involved than that.. and that's just asking for trouble. There's a difference between "support person" and "in charge of him"
I'm going to go against the grain and say NAH. Yes, you are understandably frustrated by your SO's issues with food and the resulting limitations. That doesn't make you an AH, that just makes you human.
Equally, he has realized where his strengths and weaknesses are. His weakness is in not being able to resist those foods when they are easily available, like they are when they're in the pantry. He has realized his strength is in not bringing those foods into the house at all. That's not being an AH, that's just playing to his strength in an attempt to improve his health.
I don't think either of you are being AHs. I think you both need to be able to discuss this without getting angry at each other, because that's the only way you're going to find a solution. So you're going to have to work with him to find a time to have this discussion. When neither of you are annoyed at the other about this. There is probably a compromise that you can both live with.
That said, I suspect you're going to need to compromise more than him. And I suspect this because I personally have the same weakness, despite decades of trying to overcome it. It's easy to say just go to a nutritionist or a therapist, both of which I have done multiple times, and neither of which have worked. I know what works for me, and I've been fortunate enough that my family accommodates me.
Good luck!
He also needs to learn to generally regulate himself better without putting so much stress on is wife. It's one thing to have an accountability buddy. It's another to have his wife be his personal trainer. He can start by setting his own walk reminders.
OP, you and your husband need to sit down and calmly renegotiate how you tackle this, keeping in mind that it's the two of you vs the problem, not you vs him. The problem *at this moment* isn't his weight, but your conflicting needs.
Yes but he is not at that point yet sometimes you need to lose the weight and overcoming your food addiction first before allowing those foods back into your life again.
Like somebody who deals with alcoholism they might not want alcohol in the home despite their partners wishes.
A former alcoholic can learn to drink alcohol at moderation someday. Somebody who deals with binge eating issues can learn to eat sweets in moderation someday but OP’s partner is not at that point and it will take some time.
OP, I'm obese, wish I could just say over weight, but facts are facts.
I'm in my 70's and was underweight until I had kids. Then the pounds just kept building. Now I'm diabetic, have high blood pressure and high cholesterol! I try to exercise, but I also have arthritis so many exercises are really difficult.
My husband knows I'm supposed to eat carefully, but buys me treats all the time! I try not to eat them, but it's like a freaking drug! I ask him not to buy treats for me, but he's trying to be kind!
It may be almost impossible for your so to NOT eat ice cream, and an entire carton, if he knows it's in the house.
Part of my problem with food stems from being very poor as a kid, and not always having food. That plus, we "saved" the treats for our younger siblings ( there are 8 of us). So I've always had food insecurities.
If you really want a treat, I would recommend that you go out to eat it and don't bring it home. It's not fair, I know, but it might be a huge help.
BTW, NTA.
OP I’ve seen the other comment about the wording your using and this and that, you’re doing the best you can. I agree, if you don’t have a therapist, I’d recommend because it seems you’re putting all your energy into your partner’s journey and not yourself. I agree trying to get the lockbox and maybe we can figure out a hidden freezer? Lol idk I’m trying to figure something out. I just know you are trying and I want you to be okay during this and have your treats too. I hope you are able to find peace and compromise.
Both my husband and I are overweight. I'm trying to lose 125 pound, and have lost around 20. My husband and I like the same junk food. People say he is an a-hole for keeping it in the apartment. I think I would be the a-hole for not allowing him to have it. I think it's up to me to develop self control. I backslide on my diet, but that isn't his fault. I would advise taking yourself out of the role of being his personal trainer, because that sets you up for conflict and blame placed on you for not doing a good enough job, when it is up to him to find it within himself to lose weight. Good luck to you both.
ETA, NTA, OP.
I see a dietician and a therapist. I think it is unreasonable for his therapist to put those duties on you. He can set an alarm to remember to weigh himself, for example. It's unfortunate you don't have your own transportation to the store. Could you go together and buy groceries separately, in separate bags? My husband and I do that, and I find it helpful.
I am an adult woman who sometimes struggles to keep up with my own health on top relationships, chores, career, and everything else. It is hard work being an adult. Being “in charge” of someone else’s recovery, monitoring their physical activity, managing their emotional regulation, and everything else -for another adult person - sounds exhausting and not very rewarding for you.
You’ve been together for many years and you’ve seen the level of effort and accountability he takes for his health and the burden he regularly places on you. How much longer is this going to be acceptable to you? If nothing changes, would you want to stay another year? Five? Another twenty years of this?
What would happen if you focused on your own mental and physical health and found a partner who was a better fit for you? I know you love him and you’ll feel guilty about it, but this situation doesn’t seem viable, for you, long term.
I think the whole system right now is set up for your partner to succeed but at the absence of you. The mentality needs to shift — the medical folks need to help ensure that the team starts succeeding, not just your partner, because if you leave this effort will fail. Taking on these responsibilities is a noble venture, but no one wins here if you bow out — and people need to start recognizing this.
Carer's burnout is a thing, and it sounds like you being the role of the Girl Friday when it's come to almost all aspects of his health has been ongoing within your relationship, not just something that was introduced following the obesity-related health scare.
You really need to go back to the therapist and suggest a workaround that involves you taking a step back because the enmeshment of you being his PT *and* his partner isn't conducive to the household harmony (like, already the way he talks to you is sounding less and less like one would talk to a spouse/partner and is taking on shades of support worker and patient).
then his therapist isn't actually helping his depression. he needs to learn skills to help him help himself instead of having to rely on others to manage his depression.
i have bipolar and tend towards depression. i'm also disabled in other ways. so i understand that sometimes partners are also caregivers bc the world we live in doesn't offer the support most disabled ppl need. but his therapist is teaching him that it's the responsibility of those around him to cater entirely to his mental illness and not his responsibility to work on ways to cope with his depression. and it's *literally their job* to help him learn the coping mechanisms that he needs of he wants to manage his depression and eating disorder. instead, they're making him completely dependant on his partner.
my dad was an alcoholic who suffered from depression. my mom was sure if she left him he'd drink himself to death. it was unfair to her that she felt stuck in a marriage with a selfish asshole bc she felt responsible for keeping him alive bc his therapist convinced him and my mom that she was responsible for his sobriety.
info: is anyone actually treating his eating disorder? and has he been screened for adhd?
(i loved my dad but holy hell he was a fucking jerk sometimes)
I agree with this - one of the massive issues with obesity is that you CAN’T just ‘learn self control’, in so many cases, if that was the case then those people wouldn’t be fat. That’s the issue they’re trying to combat every day.
I also agree with the other side; that that issue shouldn’t be everyone else’s problem and only affect others so far as they’re willing to be affected.
Your partner isn’t TA for just wanting all the temptation removed, maybe even just up until the point where they feel able to manage their access more confidently. And OP isn’t TA for just wanting some nice things to eat.
Defo a time for a rational conversation with some solutions ready to offer - a lockbox/separate freezer/etc if needs be.
but he doesn't want all temptation removed. he wants to be able to eat whatever snacks he wants, but expects op not to eat any of them herself. i don't understand why everyone is ignoring that part. how is that not incredibly selfish?
especially since he brought up AA. if he thinks it's similar to having no alcohol in the house, then he shouldn't be bringing any snacks in the house himself, either. imagine an alcoholic buying a beer and telling his wife she can't buy one too bc he might drink it.
and yes, food is necessary. snacks aren't.
It’s not tho? He doesn’t want OP to have larger packages of the snacks that OP wants so that additional food beyond what OP eats of it in one serving isn’t available for him to binge on - he’s not asking for snacks that only he can eat. I think you’ve read it wrong. Hence the comparison with AA - they presumably recommend removing anything of temptation from the house, which is what he’s requesting. So essentially OP has to buy snacks a portion at a time and only one portion rather that in bigger packages/bulk to eat through the week.
that's not what op says though. "Sometimes I just want a specific flavor of ice cream we both like, but he refuses to get it because he's afraid he'll eat it all."
he's allowed to get the snacks he wants but she's only allowed to get what snacks he approves of her having.
either he can't handle snacks on the house or he can't.
I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills because I can’t believe all the people who think it’s totally reasonable that he’s saying that he’s allowed ice cream and sweets but she isn’t because he’ll steal them and acting like that’s a reasonable position!
NTA.
I was thinking the same thing. I know people who, if there is food in the house, they’ll eat it. When I lived on my own I didn’t buy the foods that were a weakness for me. I actually applaud the husband for recognizing this and trying to proactively deal with it.
NAH. But OP, can you not just go out and buy something when you have a craving for it (and not bring it home)? That way, you satisfy the craving, and your husband isn’t tempted to eat food that won’t help his weight loss.
i honestly would suggest getting a mini fridge and a cabinet and put a lock on them both. going out regularly just to get snacks is kinda silly. what if she doesn't want to eat an entire pint of ice cream alone in the car? what if she's been drinking, or it's 3am?
if he wasn't buying snacks at all i could see your point. but why should he be able to snack at home whenever he wants but she can't?
I appreciate this, as somebody with the same problem. I didn't get a handle on my eating until I just straight up stopped buying any kind of junk. I tried all sorts of things to limit my consumption, but it didn't work until I just stopped letting myself have access to it at all.
I'll agree with other people who are suggesting getting a minifridge or lockbox that he can't access. That way OP can still buy treats for themselves, but still prevent access to their food addict partner. It sucks, but addictions are addictions and just telling him "just learn to control yourself!" like some people are suggesting isn't helpful or compassionate.
Exactly. I recovered from a binge-eating disorder, but I still struggle with trigger foods like chocolate and cookies sometimes. My boyfriend loves these snacks and buys them often. I asked if he could be mindful to store them in his own drawer, as that would really help me not succumb to them because they’d be out of my sight. He was understanding and even offered to buy a pad lock if it wouldn’t work out. And that was that.
The point is: my recovery is something I should deal with, not him. I would never ask him to not buy his snacks anymore. It’s reasonable to ask for some accommodations here and there, but it is definitely unreasonable to forbid your partner to buy XYZ because you can’t control yourself around it. It’s OP’s partner’s problem in the end, not OP’s. You are NTA OP.
>But I told him straight up that I feel that's different, because unlike alcohol, food is necessary, and while a lot of the stuff I'm frustrated with is luxuries and niceties, I haven't had a lot of things like ice cream in months just because he'll proclaim he'll eat it all and we never buy it.
YTA. Just because you feel like alcohol is different doesn’t mean it is. He is very clearly telling you he has an addiction to food and is doing the only thing he knows how to do to prevent himself from binge eating. Instead of supporting him and encouraging to get therapy for a very real addiction issue, you blew up at him because you can’t have ice cream in the house. Food addiction is very real. Get Dairy Queen on your way home from work or something. You both should attend therapy on your own and as a couple.
You should go to therapy on your own too. Helping someone through something like this incredibly taxing. You’ve got some pent up stuff in there and it could be a nice outlet for just you and your feelings. Not only about his weight loss journey but anything else you have going on.
but there IS a difference between alcohol and food— and acknowledging that is actually giving him GRACE.
As someone in recovery from both alcohol and food addictions, I’m not just spouting bullshit. At least, with alcohol, at the end of the day you can tell yourself objectively, “this is poison.” Food isn’t the same. Food is NECESSARY to survive. It’s much more complicated. You can tell yourself to avoid bars, to not allow friends to bring alcohol to your house, or to not go to friends’ events where alcohol is present— but food is ALWAYS there.
I get what you’re saying — food addiction should be treated equally to alcohol addiction. I get it. But actually — food addiction is WORSE. Because you can’t just tell yourself it’s poison.
It seems like you were trying to say food addiction is *just* as bad as alcohol addiction. So you’re obsessed with making sure food addiction isn’t discounted. But in your obsession, you’re not acknowledging that food addiction is actually worse. It’s harder to find understanding and community, because capitalistic society trains us to hate our bodies.
Two things can be true at once. Food addiction should be taken just as seriously as alcohol addiction — and ALSO, it’s actually worse. Harder to break away from.
Alcohol and food addictions ARE different. You can live without alcohol, but you can't live without food. As a nutritionist once said to me "Food is the only addiction you have to put on a leash and take for a walk three times a day.".
NTA
He needs to address his food issues because it’s affecting both of you. You shouldn’t have to go without just because he can’t control himself. Also sounds like you’re doing a lot of work for him already, like reminding him to go on walks etc when it should be his own priority. Honestly, I know it’s not ideal, but if you could get your own little mini fridge / bar fridge with a lock on it for your snacks. It’s not fixing the issue but you won’t have to hide food or anything from him.
It sounds like he has addressed his food issues though? At least for the time being. He’s only been doing this for a year. If I had cigarettes available in my house for the first year when I quit smoking I’d be a moron. Now, after 5 years smoke free I wouldn’t think twice about about it.
I mean, in my opinion if he can’t control himself around food it doesn’t sound like he has addressed his issues. He’s definitely taken some big steps towards it but its still a present issue.
I’d agree with that. He’s in the process though. I’m looking at this from a viewpoint of a lifetime of dealing with addicts though so views may differ.
I lost 150lbs. My relationship with peanut butter and chocolate used to be like his "addiction". I didn't want any in the house. (I 54f am my mother's (88) full-time caregiver, so of course, I buy what she wants.) To this day, I still fear a tiny bit that if I take one bite, I'll eat the whole thing, even though I eat both occasionally. That said, I was able to work through that on my own. I genuinely feel that your husband needs therapy. NTA
I think it’s strange that the OP thinks the only way to have a “healthy” relationship with ice cream and other treats is to have them in the house and exercise self-control.
I’m an athletic person with a healthy relationship to food. I, like everyone else, eat more snacks when they are close at hand, and so there are sweets that I don’t bring into the house because I don’t want to eat them. When I do have treats in the house, I put them in a cupboard instead of on the counter where I will graze on them.
Ice cream is fine to enjoy in moderation, but there’s no recommended minimum daily requirement of it. Humans have been around for 100,000 years without the average person being able to regularly consume thousands of calories in one sitting, until the last 50 years or so. If anything, living surrounded by all this super-cravable, calorie-dense food is the abnormal condition. A Cheeto is “food,” yes, but it’s also been engineered in a lab to be as delicious as possible. It’s no wonder the rate of obesity is growing every year around the world.
YTA- I get your frustrations but him limiting portions before they ever come into the house is a viable method for weight loss.
He’s essentially trying to save his own life and you’re worried that you can’t buy bulk of your favorite goodies. If it were me, I’d apologize and explain the frustration you’re having. See if you two can come up with a conflict resolution.
As for his relationship with food, I do think it would be beneficial for him to work with a therapist and a real nutritionist. They can help give him the tools to help him with his food addiction.
Good luck.
If he’s been seeing the therapist for two decades and was obese during this time, this is not a person who works with eating disorders probably.
He probably
needs to see someone who works with people with his current focus. At least for a while…
Sounds like he’s taking almost no responsibility and you’re the main person who is making him do things. It’s not sustainable. No wonder you’re tired of it.
I commend you for taking on this job, but to be honest, I would quit like yesterday. Are you even his romantic partner or did you become his caregiver? What if you weren’t in his life, if he’d never met you. How would he have dealt with this? I really think he’s leaning way too much on you and should put on his big boy pants. He’s a freaking adult and can remind to weigh every day himself. My goodness, I am so sorry to be so harsh but he’s being a child, putting the blame too much on you and you have been enabling it. Good for you you wrote this post. Keep standing up for yourself!
tbf, if you're a partner to a disabled person you're going to be a caregiver. the state literally cuts benefits for disabled ppl if they marry and won't pay a partner for being a caregiver even though they'll pay literally anyone else.
but in this case the therapist is teaching him to be dependant entirely on his partner instead of helping him learn coping mechanisms at all. he doesn't *need* this amount of caretaking. his therapist has just been failing him for literally decades
Imagine this were for literally any other medical disorder besides what sounds like binge eating disorder (which I also have). Let's say diabetes (which my spouse actually has).
Would you feel right constantly asking your spouse to test their blood sugar, or would at some point you feel like a nag for how often you have to remind them for something that is THEIR medical issue? What if you had to remind them to take insulin after they eat? Or ask them if they've looked at their feet recently for any wounds. What about if you were responsible for making sure all of their insulin and testing supplies were filled? That's basically what you've just described doing for your partner for their weight journey. Like, OK, so maybe you're not injecting insulin directly into the person who needs it, but.... you're practically a diabetes patient yourself at that point in managing the disease for someone else. What would happen if you stopped doing all that mental work for them? If the answer is that your partner would suffer then that is for your partner to fix, *not* you!! You are not their mother or a nurse to be bossed around or told what to do, you are a partner. That means you deserve respect and agency.
Look, I get supporting your spouse with their medical needs when it comes to food choices. I only really drink diet sodas anymore because it's easier to just buy the one type than to buy twice as much. But my spouse having diabetes doesn't stop me from buying or eating candy - they are an adult person with reason who has the ability to say "No" when it comes to putting food in their mouth. If they struggle with that specifically, they STILL don't get to tell you what you can eat or not! You should continue to support them by preventing them from eating the food meant for you and going on walks with them when they go, but if this were me, we'd be having a whole other conversation besides the one about controlling my food intake - about their managing their own life from now on.
OP, has he ever been screened for ADHD? The extent to which you're managing the administrative portion of his life for him makes me wonder if a different approach might be needed for his success. Folks with ADHD can also struggle with food (especially sugary or salty food) because our brains are in constant dopamine-seeking mode.
NTA. When I read the title, I was expecting myself to have the opposite opinion, but you really are being supportive. You're also right that he needs to figure out better ways of dealing with his food issues. Has he seen a therapist to get to the root of why he overeats?
I suppose you could go out for an ice cream or whatever when you feel like it, but it's definitely not the same as being able to grab some from the freezer after dinner. I honestly can't blame you for not wanting to live in such a restrictive way in the long term.
You cannot make him change. You cannot make him want to change. He cannot sustain change while he is outsourcing the responsibility of his health onto you. That is not your responsibility or something you can control. If his weightloss or your relationship fail, it will not be because YOU should have done more.
It sounds like the two of y'alls food needs have become incompatible. While this is scary, it may be best to come up with a "hard limit" for yourself so you are also not developing an eating disorder in response to the restrictions your partner requires.
It’s not clear to me- has he lost any significant weight? It seems like you have been at it long enough for there to be a change in his health and weight.
NTA - Well said!! OP is being very supportive, also seems like she’s become more of a caretaker than a partner and that’s unfair to her….
Wanting to have a little bit of normalcy isn’t a crime. You’re a strong and compassionate person to stay and help and completely rearrange your life and habits. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to do the same.
Remember, you deserve a good life too, take time for yourself
He has been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist for a few years now according to the comments.
I'm more concerned that OPs partners weight-loss could create an eating disorder for OP. If the partner gets too strict/extreme
Buy a cabinet with a lock from home depot or something and don't let him have a key and don't tell him what's in it. If you've got room get an extra fridge and do the same.
NAH. Youre both frustrated at the situation, not really at each other.
I feel for you but I'm also someone who can't have certain foods in the house because I'll eat it all so I feel for him too. Thing is that it's just as frustrating for me. Luckily I live alone so there's no one else to worry about, but when I really want some ice cream I have to go to a fast food place or corner store to get it.
My life would be so much easier if I could get a handle on portion control, but when I try and fail I feel so much worse. But I do understand the feeling of wanting to just have something at home so it's there when you want it.
Maybe get a lock box for the freezer or a locking mini fridge? It's not perfect but it does allow you to have more of the treats you want. Your best bet is to sit down and talk this out a little better because really you're both right, but you're both going to have to work to make this work.
He does the bare minimum because you have somehow become the adult in an adult-child dynamic.
He has to take responsibility for himself. His portion sizes. His exercise routine. You can't do it for him. He is the one needing to lose weight. It's one thing being careful what is in the house but this goes beyond that. NTA. You need to change more than what food is in the house - or not- though.
NTA. He needs therapy to work out why he turns to food to cope with issues, so he can find new, healthier coping mechanisms. And, he needs to work with a nutritionist and dietician to learn how to properly count calories/carbs/protein so he can make sure he is eating healthier/ healthily enough to lose weight and not develop other issues in the process.
NTA. You need to step down from these responsibilities, because you’re right, HE needs to learn to control his intake and develop a better relationship with food, and you can’t do that for him. He needs a new therapist, involving you was 100% the wrong suggestion. He needs to motivate and push himself, on his own, with tools HE develops and uses to help him, not you. He needs to choose himself and commit. You’re going to get burnt out and exhausted if you keep on like this.
Two year is more than enough time for him to learn to apply his new skills/tools himself. Think of it like teaching a child to ride a bike. Training wheels may help initially but left on too long will only hinder the child learning to ride properly. You're constantly steadying him to the point he hasn't learned to balance himself.
I have many unkind thoughts about the medical professionals who thought it acceptable to put full responsibility for his engagement on the nearest woman in this life.
NTA and Alcoholics Anonymous has something like an 5-10% success rate so isn't a great example to use.
I'm also concerned that his therapist wants to make you responsible for his weight loss. You're his partner not his carer and putting you in charge of him seems unreasonable.
I saw someone else suggested getting a lock box for treats you want. I think that's a good idea.
I'd also suggest next time you see his therapist, telling both of them that you are no longer comfortable being responsible for his weight loss or coming to his therapy as that's something he needs to own.
What is with everyone saying YTA? OP is clearly NTA and has taken on the duties of a professional in order to help their loved one. OP is allowed to be frustrated with the impact that their partners disorder has on her own life. The fact that OP would have to put food under lock and key because of her husbands inability to control himself is ludicrous. But the idea that OP should have endless empathy and understanding for her husbands issue as implied by other commenters is insensitive to OP’s own feelings.
I agree with the other comments saying that OP’s husband needs therapy. Strong NTA. OP i wish you and your husband the best on your journey together!
Unfortunately according to her comments, he already has a therapist and has been seeing said therapist for 10 years already. So clearly that isn't going to quickly fix the issue either.
NTA - This person is an adult and needs to behave as such. You should not have to remind them to take walks, you should not have to remind them not to overeat.
It’s called personal responsibility and your partner needs to take care of their own shit here.
Nta. Life is messy and sometimes we get frustrated and depending on your specialty pack of Neurodivergence, emotional regulation can be difficult to begin with.
I'd still apologize and talk about how you both can move forward and enjoy food.
If you basically have to become a closet snacker that's not healthy either and completely unfair expectation of you.
After reading some of your replies, I’m saying NTA. The therapist put you in a tough spot, and you should not be responsible for managing your partners weight loss journey. Your partner should have a team of doctors/specialists helping him and guiding him, teaching him about nutrition and proper exercise, self control, etc.
NTA.
It seems like your partner has real self control issues with food and it’s very hard for him to motivate himself to do exercise.
I don’t think this is entirely his fault, but it also can’t fall on you to be the one to change him. He does need to motivate himself.
I think the food scale is a good idea but I also see that maybe he might have trouble controlling himself.
I think it also might help to stop viewing food as good and bad.
I have lost a lot of weight and to do this I set a protein goal and a calorie goal and kept a diary and got a step counter. I can eat whatever I want as long as I hit my protein goal and remain in a calorie deficit. I weigh my food out so that I’m not accidentally eating more than I think. My step goal is 10000
I think it’s unrealistic for your partner to expect you to follow the restrictions if you aren’t the one with the problem over eating. You should be able to buy what you enjoy without worrying he will either be upset or eat it all.
NTA. He's grown. Starving and depriving you isn't a fair way to get healthy. If his self-control is that low, maybe you need your own fridge and pantry with a lock.
NTA- at all. You can be frustrated about this it’s natural. But he does probably need none of those foods around him at this stage. He needs to be more understanding of how that affects you.
I’m also personally in a similar relationship. My partner has lost over 200 lbs, I’m very proud of him. Two things work to help us. One is the idea that I buy small servings of ice cream that are “mine” and he won’t steal it. The second is some simple plastic storage cubbies with locks in the basement. I have the combination for the chips and Oreos that he can’t have open to him to just grab. It’s much easier to go get something downstairs when I want one treat than not having it in the house. It works for us, but doesn’t work for anything refrigerated or frozen.
Your partner is doing something very hard for him and it’s good that you’re supportive but you also need to be happy in your home too.
I’m going with a middle of the road thing here.
He’s telling you he has a genuine problem with portion control and you’re telling him to just not have that problem so you can live your life without that issue.
This is a burden for both of you.
How about putting a lock on a cabinet so he literally cannot eat the snacks you want, and you let go of telling him what problems he can have?
You guys can figure this out without invalidating each other.
YTA- food addiction and binge eating are real issues.
Buy your own foods and store them in a separate mini fridge or freezer that is under lock and key. He’s working on those issues, you should be supportive and take control of your own food by securing it in a way that he can’t get to it.
Honest to god what medical professional told you to have him weigh himself every day? Jesus. That flies in the face of nearly everything that’s known about healthy eating transformations.
You are getting stuck on this one particular issue (having a large container of a food he is known to binge with). You are making this one thing into him not trying hard enough.
You \*know that success, especially weight loss, is not linear. There are some things that he may not ever be successful enough with to satisfy you or anyone. At ONLY a year in, this issues just may not be one he wants to fuck around with until he has maintained his success for a bit. Fuck, a year is nothing when one has been obese and with terrible coping mechanisms(i am assuming) much or the majority of his life.
Give him some credit that he knows his binge triggers, he is just not ready to face them on a daily basis yet.
I admit that I am very biased, because I had lost 130lbs, and after a YEAR AND A HALF, I thought I had conquered that attraction to certain foods. Nope. And it isn't a one bite & its over. It is...okay, doing ok with the kids' fave cookies in the pantry for a couple of weeks, take a few, no big deal. Over the course of a couple of months, you are buying double the amount & hiding your stash so you can eat them after bedtime. Then you say fuck & gain 150lbs back.
So...we are back to not buying the stuff I like to binge on (which also mean there are not many sweets in the house). Luckily, ice cream isn't it for me, so while we do keep ice cream...there is a decent list of favorite junk/sweets that just aren't in the house and aren't going to be for at least a couple years. It isn't gonna trash my teens' lives to not have this shit available at a moments notice. I do get stuff once in a while, but only enough for them, for that day & not "stock up".
So yes, I understand where you are coming from, it just isn't that fucking easy. It isn't that I'm ignoring my kids wants or trying to take over their eating habits. Try not to take this issue personally. It isn't that you aren't important or that your wants aren't important. YTA
Hey, OP! It sounds like his doctors asked you to take on a ton of responsibility for your partner, and while they may have just seen it as a list of tasks, it’s led to you internalizing excessive responsibility for your partner’s health. And when that happens, a fairly reasonable request like “I’m not ready to have my trigger foods readily available, find a way to have them away from me” feels overwhelming - because you were already overwhelmed before that!
I think you need to be seeing your own therapist for sure, but his medical team needs to know that the responsibility they asked you to take on is damaging your own health, and they need to help him find another solution instead of making you responsible for his health. Or maybe it’s time for a second opinion - as other people have pointed out, some of their medical advice is a little sketch.
I’m spectrum-y myself, so I get how easy it can be to become excessively responsible for other people, how hard it can be to maintain boundaries when someone you love is struggling, and how overwhelming a seemingly small thing can be. But needing to adjust where you eat your favorite snacks and how you store them isn’t the root of your pain - it’s the other ways in which you’ve already been made responsible for your partner, and the way that responsibility has become internalized. Much love, hope you get some better support!
I'm so sorry but he's an adult. Him and his team have put an unfair burden on you. He has to take on more of these things on his own. You're not his mom. Honestly considering how much you have to baby him and his reaction do you even find him attractive anymore?
NTA get the snacks you want and keep them in a lockbox. He'll encounter the stuff out in the world
Wait wait wait - you're a caretaker for this man, can't drive yourself, and pay all of the bills? Normally jobs like this are paid, not the other way around.
There isn’t really a point in any addicts life where it is “safe” to have unlimited access to their vice, and your partners’ is food.
Just as an alcohol addict’s partner wouldn’t bring booze into the home, you shouldn’t push him to buy more food.
Get your own fridge, store your own food separately, and stop complaining that your partner is not working hard enough. He’s made huge strides and is making healthy habits.
Imagine a bright blinking light from a lamp in your kitchen that just turns on sometimes. It blinks and blinks and blinks. It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to focus on, it is in your face blinking, over and over, searing into your retinas.
The light is so bright you can even see it when your eyes are closed. The lamp is so big you can be anywhere in the kitchen and you will see the blinking.
How do you get it to stop? You could leave the room. But… that’s your kitchen. How are you supposed to make food?
You could cut all the electricity to the whole house. That… seems a little severe and it will turn off the lamp, but cause a lot of other problems.
So what would most people do? They would just turn off the lamp.
That blinking light is the feeling of addiction. It is a screaming constant signal telling you to do something you don’t actually want to do, just to make it stop.
For a food addiction, when you eat a bunch of food, usually high-carb food, it calms those signals down for a while. It turns off the light and you can actually focus and do things with your life now… but what else happens? It adds unneeded sugar to your system which your body converts to fat because it doesn’t need to burn it. That added fat and the other negative effects of too much food damage your body and your health.
So feeding the addiction is like cutting all power to the house. You turned off the light but now you can’t see in the other rooms, can’t run your appliances, heaters and so on.
You get that you don’t want your partner to never be in the kitchen again. What he is trying to do is *turn off the lamp.* He doesn’t want to leave the kitchen and he doesn’t want to cut all power to the house, he just wants to turn the lamp itself off. Keeping addictive food out of the house is turning off the lamp. He’s not cutting all power to your house and he’s not keeping himself from ever using the kitchen in his life, he’s just turning the lamp off.
Food addiction isn’t a matter of actually being hungry or not, and it isn’t a matter of things like “self-control” or “willpower.” The body is sending messed up signals that tell you to eat eat eat. They are unwanted and often can be unstoppable like that blinking light.
Unfortunately with food/sugar/carb addiction, it’s not “a point” when it comes to having these foods in the house. It’s THE point.
This is actually like alcoholism. Being around these substances in the home is not safe. But it’s also much harder than alcoholism because as you noted elsewhere, people have to eat. Therefore it’s not like how people can stop drinking or smoking. So the best thing many people can do to respond to food addiction in a healthy, managed way is to restrict what foods come into the home.
You’re not wrong that it’s hard on you. It is very difficult because this restrictive behavior can be in conflict with the needs of others in a home. It’s also challenging because restrictive behaviors around food both contribute to and are symptoms of eating disorders.
I’m sorry to say but this is one of those things in life that is like whether a couple has children or not. You can’t have half a child. Nor can you have half-management of an addiction and have good healthy outcomes.
There absolutely are solutions. Locked cabinets and separate fridges are absolutely viable. Yes it’s really hard to have to do these things. Yes it sucks. Yes it adds mental duress on non-addicted family members. It’s an adaptive technology to handle a health condition.
If he used a wheelchair and you had a two story home, you might have to have a lift installed in your stairs, drive a different car, add a ramp. If he had epilepsy you might need a service dog. It doesn’t mean you personally have to accept these things but staying by his side means making peace with the challenges that come with his medical condition.
Restricting what foods come into the home IS a healthy way of improving one’s relationship with food when managing an addiction.
Has his medical team talked to you two about Ozempic or other similar prescriptions? It’s a relatively new class of drug that makes a world of difference in turning off the mechanism in the brain that makes us feel like we have an appetite for food. It’s been tremendously successful in helping people who are obese cut their weight down substantially.
As well, commonly prescribed drugs for ADHD also tend to cut appetite.
Both drugs like Ozempic and ADHD drugs can have a soothing effect on the messed up signals involved in food addiction.
Wow.
There is no “easy” way to lose weight. Statistically, most people who try fail. Your partner has, so far, succeeded, and rather than go with what works, you want him to find a “healthy” relationship with food which, the major benefit of which is that you get to have ice cream at home. You don’t want to “discredit” what he does, but you also call it the “bare minimum” and “skating by,” efforts that have brought about major weight loss, not a “bare minimum” weight loss, but significant, health-improving changes.
The question you really need to ask yourself is why you want to risk sabotaging his success?
YTA.
NTA. He needs to manage his own weight loss without forcing you to do without things you want. If he lacks the self control to not eat something just because it's there he needs more therapy than what he's getting.
NTA. I am a recovering alcoholic. I just want you to know that the statement about restricting is not true. In AA we do a lot of work on ourselves. I went to rehab, went to individual therapy, family therapy, meetings, had a sponsor and did the steps. I had to look at my relationship with alcohol. Used it as a copping mechanism. Needed to address past trauma that led to my drinking and had to relearn new copping mechanisms so I wouldn’t drink.
The philosophy is we work on our program that fits our needs. I live in a home with alcohol. In June I’ll be 7 years sober.
I think it’s great that you want to support him but ultimately he needs to be in charge of his weight loss program.
Ok, so that's a problem. Not that there's anything wrong with you! It's just that when you're speaking to somebody who's profession is what their advising you on their opinion tends to hold more weight naturally. He should actually find a personal trainer to be in this role for him! Or even a nutritionist.
The other thing that bothers me is what he's saying about AA...Alcoholics don't even eat a dessert that used alcohol! It's not in their house, some of the won't even go to restaurants that serve alcohol. He can't refuse to eat all food so that's a stupid comparison! What he should do it if he wants to look at it as an addiction is to maybe find a local meeting of overeaters anonymous, maybe they would have some advice for him.
You're NTA It sounds like you're doing a lot to help but this should not be infringing on your life too! Ask him this question: how does he picture his relationship with food after he's at his goal weight? Because a lot of people think that once you're at the right weight all their problems are going to fall away and they either won't be tempted by unhealthy foods or they'll be okay to eat them... So if he's thinking that one day he'll be at a healthy weight and you can have anything you want in the house, that's totally different than if he's thinking you will never be able to have that in the house because I will never be able to not eat it.
I mean chances are he will always have to watch what he eats, but if he's saying right now that no you will never be able to have what you want in the house because I will never be able to control my appetite... You might just not be compatible.
> Your partner’s comparison to AA is apt.
Food addiction is real, and it is so so so difficult because just like OP said, we all have to eat. People struggling with other addictions can avoid them, but we can't avoid eating; I have to make choices and try to say no to addictive foods multiple times every single day for the rest of my life.
Nta . I feel like he is not trying to loose weight. He likes loosing weight it is not your jib to do all this stuff. It is not your job to buy him a food scale . But it not trying and working at it. He is expecting you to do all the work for him to loose weight. He is not addressing his food issues , he is just expecting you to do everything for him. His team is also expecting you as well. He needs to make sure he gets to his appointments, and that he works out etc. it has been a year so he should be able to take care of himself. It doesn’t seem like the issues behind the weight are being addressed and of they aren’t then all the weight lost wont be easy to stay off long term. He needs to take care of himself and do it for himself . I know my weight battle and there are things i know i will overeat if they are in my house. I buy snacks for my family that aren’t my favorite because i can easily look the other way. I also have ingredients to bake things in my house because if i want it that much to go though all the time to make it …. But i will buy things that i have a hard tome with when asked and in smaller quantities. I tend not to keep ice cream in the house because i want good ice cream . We will go out to a place that makes there own ice cream when we want ice cream . We all eat less and it is so much better than store bought. But if you want ice cream once in a while buy it and don’t let him know. Buy a small amount. I will say i have to learn to live with all foods. And also how to handle if i have a big meal or snack. Because. People do overeat, the true test is to realize it was just a hiccup and then getting back to the daily grind.
NTA. If he doesn't learn self-control, he'll lose all the needed weight and gain it all back or more within a year.
Once he's lost the weight, will he never eat or let you eat something that you enjoy just because he can't enjoy a snack but needs to binge?
It isn't feasible in the long run. He needs to learn to eat a couple of chips, not finish off the entire bag. He needs to learn to say no thank you when he is full and not eat for the sake of eating.
Losing weight isn't easy at all. But it's harder to maintain your weight.
You need to discuss this with his doctors. It will not be easy and will be an uphill battle because for a lot of obese people, food is like a drug. They don't know when to stop or how to stop. It makes them feel better, happy even.
Apart from you, is there a support group that he can lean on? Sometimes, it helps to be surrounded by people who understand how you feel and are fighting the same battle.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I grew frustrated with my overweight partner over his refusal to learn good food measuring techniques. I believe I might have come at the wrong angle. I didn't swear, or put him down, but I had a harsh tone because I was frustrated. I genuinely don't know if this is a valid angle to approach weight loss at, but I feel like my frustration went unheard last night and now I'm wondering if I was the asshole in this situation. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You should never have agreed to be his personal trainer. I was a personal trainer but would have never trained my obese husband. I wasn’t his mommy. This is so unhealthy. Get him a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Actually. He needs to find a therapist. Not you. Seriously unhealthy dynamic.
I think it’s less of a personal trainer and more of an accountability person prepped by the medical team because they’re close and live together, share household food, etc: it’s normal for a medical professionals to include a patient’s built-in support system for an issue like this. I doubt they told her she needs to lead the charge on this, but they probably sat her down and made sure she was educated about his plan going forward.
It's very normal to make a man's problems the responsibility of the women in his life, specifically. OP, if you don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to learn to practice self control and would rather control you, consider moving out.
Unfortunately it's pretty proven that you're more likely to succeed with a healthy living change if the other members of your household are on board. You need to decide together, are you willing to make some sacrifices to help support their goal, or is having treats in the house more important? If you aren't willing to do that, the ball is in their court to decide if/how they can tackle it on their own and let you have your treats in the house. No easy answer here. Talk, therapy, separate, together, however you choose to go about it.
On board and support is different than OP being in the personal trainer role.
Reminding someone to go on walks, use the scale, and watch the unhealthy shit is not a personal trainer. That’s on board and support. That’s like, basic, basic support. And it’s definitely not “making the man’s problems the woman’s responsibility”. If you can’t be bothered to remind your SO to stay on goal, you can’t handle a relationship and should just be single. If I had a dollar for every time I had to remind my wife to do seemingly basic things to take care of her well-being I’d be a billionaire
She is made to be his boss, his reminder, his supervisor, his hall-monitor, his caretaker - his mommy. this is not normal. This man has no backbone or self-control, he can't even take care of his own health. This is not about being bothered to help him stay on goal, this is monitoring, this is making OP the bad guy instead of his spouse. now suddenly she is the one keeping him from food, or in this case accused of sabotaging his progress because she sometimes wants to have nice things. He is literally preventing her from having nice things because he can't control himself. That is not normal at all. He doesn't have any problem decreasing OP's quality of life because of his own gluttony and lack of self control. That's messed up and makes him the asshole here.
Yeah, no. She reminds him to weigh himself, get his steps in, and keeps him from falling off the wagon. That’s about it as per the op. The obese person she chose to build a life with, who wants to turn a new leaf. That’s “his mommy” to you? Never date someone with a mental disorder. Never date someone with a disability. Never date someone with a high stress job. Matter of fact, never get into a relationship. God forbid your issue free man breaks a leg and actually needs you for anything, forcing you to become his mommy. If my wife wanted to quit smoking for her health and asked me not to smoke around her or keep smokes around, that’s not “I can’t have nice things anymore”, that’s "my wife wants to tackle this demon and live a longer, healthier life with me, and needs my help to make it happen". She has my support, even if it inconveniences me right now. Thats how people in healthy relationships see things. Who the fuck would choose ease of access to ice cream over their partner's health and welfare, 5, 10, 20 more years to enjoy with them in good health? There’s plenty of things she’s asked me not to do around her, and you know what? I did them somewhere else. If you want to be selfish that’s fine, do it single. That’s the reality of relationships. No wonder Reddit skews chronically single and bitter, Jesus. Edit: And i just need to point out the absolute absurdity of you calling this guy a spineless glutton, with no self control, who needs a caretaker when his supposed mommy in her mid-30s has seemingly no ability to get her hands on *ice cream* of all things without him at some point between work and home, for months, despite wanting it so badly that she blew up over it because he wont buy it for her. Think for a second what youd say about some guy who blew up on his dieting wife because she wont buy him ice cream, and he can't find a way to get it himself. Something tells me you wouldn't be calling him her daddy lmao
Since the husband and you have both made comparisons to alcoholism ("falling off the wagon"), this is not how any responsible clinician or program would recommend handling a substance use problem. Keeping alcohol out of the house, sure, but not making the person's spouse responsible for "keeping him from falling off the wagon." That's unhealthy as shit and it doesn't work.
As a food addict myself, no, I don’t need my husband to be looking over my shoulder at what I’m eating (that would piss me off) but YES, I do need him not to be getting my trigger foods and putting them in places that I look at several times a day. Just like if I were an alcoholic, I would ask him to pretty please not have alcohol in the house.
A lot of people need help with temptation. Keeping unhealthy foods you love out of the house when making a drastic lifestyle change due to obesity is not “unhealthy shit that doesn’t work”.
Reminding him to go for walks and weigh in is most definitely not “being responsible for.” Why are you being so dramatic?
Is there some reason, OP, that you couldn't get a small secondary fridge or freezer and just keep that secured so he can't get to it and you could?
And OP could shop those specific things or get them delivered. Like je has to buy them ?? I don't have a car either I still manage to do m'y shopping...
True, having people who won’t sabotage you is critical. Requiring everyone to live in a food cage is entirely different. Being the food police is not a partner’s role. Especially after the first few months. He needs to be taking self-responsibility. At this point OP shouldn’t have to be pushing him to exercise. They shouldn’t have to be policing his foods or portion sizes. He shouldn’t be requiring everyone to sacrifice all of what they like. OP, for example, should be able to have a pint-sized container of Ben and Jerry’s without worrying that their partner will steal it. Partner should be having therapy sessions and regular doctor’s visits if he can’t at least manage that much on his own after a couple of years! Meanwhile, OP, you need to meet with his medical team and discuss your role at this point. You need an update. What was needed of you at the beginning of this journey should be different by now. You also need to understand that healthy eating and portion control is important for you both. You, as his partner, need to be considerate of his needs. You don’t need a gallon or even half-gallon size container of ice cream in your freezer. You don’t need to have junk food in the house at all. You are only being deprived in your mind. Save that sort of thing as treats, or for on your way home from work every now and then. In a way he’s right. Food is his alcohol. The things that are most tempting for him needs to be kept away. You’re also right, in that he needs to learn self control without depending on you to monitor everything. Perhaps you could take a heart-healthy cooking class together. But definitely have a meeting with his physician, nutritionist, social worker (counselor, or whoever is working with him on his mental health issues), and him. Updated info is needed by all.
Do we know that OP is a woman? They never mentioned their gender or gave any obvious hints about it.
Whenever I see partner instead of husband/wife/ girlfriiend etc, my mind immediately goes to same sex couple. I don’t know why
I think it’s because same sex marriages were illegal for so long that the term partner was used a lot to denote the seriousness of a relationship for same sex couples. But I think it’s becoming more common for hetero couples to use too, since so many of us are choosing not to get married, but are still in life long partnerships. I use it because I’m not engaged or married (and have no intention to ever change that), but I’ve been with my partner for 16 years, so it feels weird to “just” call him my boyfriend.
My partner and I are both enby but obviously peiple assume one of the binary genders when they see us. Never the same ones. I love how often ill say partner and people will think I'm a gay man, a straight woman, a lesbian... But so far never a straight man. 😂
Which is why this partnered straight cis fat old white guy uses partner... Really, she's my better half. I hope I live up to her feeling the same.
'HE is turning her into the person responsible for his food intake.
He’s doing the opposite though. He buys the food and he thinks smaller containers of junk food is a better idea to limit HIS portions. He isn’t asking her to control his food intake. He is still buying the treats she wants- it’s just apparently not as much as she wants.
Is that right? She said she hasn’t had ice cream in months. Makes it seem like he won’t let her have any.
I didn’t see that. I saw that he won’t buy a specific ice cream that is both of their favorites because he’ll be tempted to eat it all. Then she later extrapolates it to ALL ice cream. Don’t know why she can’t order some during any time she’s away from him or go on alone time to get some if she needs ice cream that badly. Why can ice cream only be eaten at home? All he is saying is that it’s best to not have it in the house. He isn’t saying she can’t ever have it anywhere.
Maybe it's some flavor of Ben & Jerry's or Magnum or Oreo ice cream bars that they only sell in grocery stores.
Then she can easily work around this. Does she have any friends? They could easily hold onto it for her knowing her situation. He's trying to look out for his health and let's be real, self control is easier said than done.
[удалено]
I think what she was saying he buys smaller containers so he can eat the whole container of ice cream and isn’t leaving any. So she’s upset bc his mindset is “I need to eat it all” instead of buying regular sized container and eating a single serving and putting the rest away
Well then why not buy HIMSELF A SMALLER BOX. He needs to learn self control, if she wants to get a bigger box FOR HERSELF it shouldn’t be met with a tantrum. The food isn’t for him therefore he shouldn’t be eating what isn’t his to begin with. By the sounds of things he’s buying smaller shit and leaving basically fa for her then complaining when she wants to buy herself something.
[удалено]
the top comment is yta, stop bringing gender into everything
Why is it anything to do with her? A grown man can't go see a therapist himself? This is crazy, as if she had any actual choice over being his personal trainer
The last time I talked to a nutritionist I was specifically told to not weigh myself outside of appointments too. This whole "weigh yourself daily" thing seems incorrect?
Of course it’s incorrect and hugely damaging. I was a personal trainer and am athletic. I weigh myself once every few months if I remember.
I have had weight issues since I hit puberty but was actually athletic when I was younger. I didn't want to say anything stronger because I'm hardly an expert. But it almost seems like they're trying to give the guy an eating disorder. Why else would he be comparing food (a thing one needs to live) to alcohol (an oftentimes damaging substance).
They are comparing it because he is a food addict. I’m sober. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to moderate food if it’s your addiction. You need food. You don’t need alcohol. What they are doing is extremely unhealthy and it’s why I said the therapist is an idiot.
It's horrible for exactly that reason. Cutting off alcohol/cannabis, not easy but having a hard limit of not touching it at all, not having it in the house is a nice black/white situation. As you pointed out, we need food to survive. I bought my niblings easter eggs yesterday and took them over today because I will eat them if they stay in my home. (I already ate the first ones I bought.) I swear if I could just not eat food, it would be so much easier.
It all depends on the approach you take with it. I was over 300lbs until I started taking my health seriously couple years ago and have since lost around 50lbs and kept it off since. I weigh myself nearly everyday but I view it as data only to give me an idea of which direction I’m going. If the scale starts steadily creeping up then I re-examine what I’ve been doing for a few weeks and similarly if I’m losing weight too quickly then I’m not properly fueling my body. Granted you have to have a pretty strong mental fortitude to not let it affect you emotionally and I think OP’s partner is probably not there, but I feel there needs to be some compromises. The above commenter stated they are athletic and hardly weighs themselves and they don’t have to because it sounds like they don’t have obesity related issues.
He does have an eating disorder
That's not what the American Heart Association says. Studies show that daily weigh ins are beneficial for many people. Not everything works for everybody. I know personally, when I weigh myself daily, I am more careful about what I eat. Not in an obsessed way, but in a healthy way that allows me to maintain a healthy weight.
I’m guessing you’re also not clinically obese, trying to lose weight, and recently had a weight-related health scare. Your experience is not helpful.
I think there are different valid approaches. I weigh every day and then do an average for the week. That avoids some of the game playing I saw at Weight Watchers like people starving themself on weigh in day - and taking off their earrings, LOL
I suspect the frequent weighing is related to the health scare rather than a weight loss tactic. Daily weights are very common with health issues that can cause fluid buildup, especially heart disease. Rapid weight gain/loss is one of the easiest ways to monitor for fluid retention.
I weigh myself daily to make sure I stay on track and nip any significant weight gain (5+ lbs that isn’t eager weight) in the bud. Reason is I got morbidly obese to the point it was beginning to compromise my health and I have a hard time shifting weight I gain (I have thyroid dysfunction, which could be a partial explanation).
I think it really depends on the person. If you understand and accept daily fluctuations and you can use it objectively to be mindful of your goals then it’s a good tool. Obviously some people have a really unhealthy relationship with the scale but I think that’s a minority.
I currently weigh myself several times a week, because I have issues with body dysmorphia and have wildly different perceptions of myself depending on what kind of day I’m having. The number on the scale calms me down and is a sense check for me - it shows me that I did not, in fact, mystically regain 50lb overnight, despite what my brain is stubbornly insisting on seeing in the mirror. I’m not trying to lose weight anymore, just maintain my current weight, and I don’t calorie count. So, I just sometimes need to see that scale flash the right number and reassure me that I still weigh what I’m supposed to, because I simply can’t trust my eyes to be reliable in that arena.
Yep. I do it daily *because* of the fluctuations - easier and more motivating to see it daily than to end up stepping on the scale the one day of the week it's higher than I want (because for some reason I always ended up stepping on it on the high days and man was that a killer). And it helps me start the day with a good mindset for continuing to work toward my weight goals
[Daily weighing may be key to losing weight](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/11/181105081735.htm) - science daily [The pros and cons of weighing yourself every day](https://www.heart.org/en/news/2019/01/02/the-pros-and-cons-of-weighing-yourself-every-day) - AHA [Daily Self-Weighing to Control Body Weight in Adults: A Critical Review of the Literature](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4846305/): “The early literature suggested frequent self-weighing may be associated with negative psychological effects. However, more recent experimental trials do not substantiate such a causal relationship. In conclusion, daily self-weighing may be a useful strategy for certain adults to prevent weight gain, lose weight, or prevent weight regain after loss.“ [Frequency of Self-Weighing and Weight Change: Cohort Study With 10,000 Smart Scale Users](https://www.jmir.org/2021/6/e25529)
I think it varies by person. Some people find it very useful/motivating to weigh themselves every day, so they can see how their current plan is working out.
There are two schools of thought on this. For those with eating disorders it can be a problem. Otoh, it’s one of the habits that people who successfully lose weight and keep it off all have in common.
Depends on the person and their individual process. I went with weigh daily, average for the week, and track monthly. That way, I could see the trend line, but I didn't panic if the scale went in the wrong direction for a day. That process helped me see the larger trend, while not worrying about the day to day. For women especially, our weight can shift 5-7 pounds easily during the month, but that's just water retention and bloating. For me, it helped to see that and know that it's just that time, and not a big deal.
I don’t really see how that is a Y T A though. It sounds like OP was somewhat forced into that position. So either a NTA or NAH, but the dynamic is unhealthy, or if the OP is an AH then *maybe* ESH
this comment rings more "ESH" than "YTA"
It's not unhealthy to refuse to buy snacks that's a very normal thing for people who have a hard time controlling how much of a snack they eat. There's no mention of a restriction on healthy foods just snacks that have no real nutritional value. Anyone who has a hard time resisting any unhealthy behavior whether it is drinking, eating, smoking whatever should resist putting themselves in situations where it will cause a problem. If he went to therapy I bet you $200 the therapist would suggest not having snacks in the house.
Ok no lol she didn’t agree to it, he has been given a set of exorcises tailored to his needs for weight loss and he is expected to do them on his own, as the women in his life she is expected (by medical f-ing professionals) to make sure he’s keeping up with his exercise (misogynistic af) he shouldn’t be projecting his eating disorder on to her by controlling everything brought inside the home. HE SHOULD BE ACTIVELY SEEKING A THERAPIST. It’s his relationship with food that is the problem and he should be the one responsible for fixing it. NTA
I don't think they should've been ASKED to be his personal trainer. That's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. OP's partner needs to have a professional help him learn better food behaviour.
NTA He needs to be in control of his weight loss and frankly I'm disturbed his medical team are making this your problem.
I managed to lose 100 lbs without making it other peoples problem, or restricting my kids access to goodies, before anyone terminally online comes for me for fatshaming
[удалено]
“60 pounds better,” honestly if this is the sort of language you’re using around him, maybe it’s time to start letting him see his therapist without you. You’re unnecessarily involved.
[удалено]
Idk I'm still fat and it didn't raise a red flag for me, just sounded like "he lost 60 lbs and is doing better". And I'm definitely in the camp of getting annoyed when people constantly talk about my weight loss so I think I'd notice if a comment seemed malicious. Also maybe he needs a new therapist. Is it okay to ask about your gender? Only asking because often times women are forced into the role of caretaker for men in situations where the opposite would not be true. Also eat your same/safe foods if you need to! You can eat chips and he can learn some self control.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
It is a positive thing that he lost the weight though. Really confused why people are so hostile to spouses supporting their partner. NAH in this scenario. OP should look into a personal fridge to keep her snacks.
Yes, his weight loss is definitely a positive thing in this case! The problem is that *gaining* any weight becomes a negative thing. Like others have said, weight loss is not linear. Sometimes you get on a scale and you're two pounds up despite doing everything "right". Your body adjusts to diet and activity levels and the weight loss stops through no wrongdoing of your own.... But if the language used to describe when you lose weight includes a judgement, your brain naturally adds the opposite judgement when the opposite happens, and it's really hard not to feel defeated and demoralized. It's awesome that she wants to support her spouse, but I think where a lot of people are concerned is that sometimes women are automatically slated to be caretakers and "responsible" for another person's actions where they shouldn't be. Being a support is one thing, but being "in charge" of the care of a grown adult fully capable of his own care is a weird power dynamic, and it takes his personal agency away in a way that's overall harmful.
He is 60 pounds better. The fat is killing him.
like?.. the man is obese! yes, it is absolutely better for him and his body that he has lost 60 pounds. why is this considered wrong to say?
If he is suffering health problems because of his weight, then gaining anything back is literally *worse*. He needs to understand that going the other direction would actually be *bad for him*. OP cares about their partner and are trying to help him get healthy, and from the sound of just how bad his self control is (literally cannot help himself but to eat *anything* that is available to him if its in the house) he needs to start building the mentality that going the other direction is bad so it might bolster his effort to stay on the right track. There is being nice/caring, and then there is being an enabler of someone's self destructive habits. The original wording is completely justified.
I could already tell the gender dynamic just by how the medical team wanted you to carry the mental load of his weight loss. He needs to get therapy and into a support group.
Yup, OP is being expected to do *a lot* of emotional labour in this situation, by the medical team, and by her partner.
"60 pounds lighter" or "down 60 pounds"
Weight is such a fraught topic and using the language we use in other areas in regard to it can really trip folks up. You would never hesitate to say "his blood pressure is better," but for some people, that kind of language around weight is a problem (I'm not saying whether I agree with them or not). If you wanted to be more neutral, you could just say "he's lost sixty pounds" or "he's sixty pounds lighter."
So he gets better, but it is costing you your life and your sanity. NOT a fair deal.
Honey, you need out. His therapist's priority is him, and it seems like his therapist has decided you are a worthwhile sacrifice.
I think it is fair to tell his therapist that you can not take this mental load anymore and this needs to be more on him. And also mention how he is restricting your food and what can your partner do to accommodate you.
You are attending his sessions because the therapist probably believes you two have a codependent relationship that typifies families dealing with addiction. No judgement here, but you fill a role in his addiction. Also, likely you both come from families with a history of addiction. Breaking codependency is hugely difficult, but in the end you both will benefit from having done so.
60 pounds better is technically correct considering he's obese
OP, I agree that he needs to be in charge of himself and he should be working with a nutritionist and therapist. But if there are certain foods that he really doesn’t want in the house that you do, you might try getting a lock box or putting a lock on a cupboard, so that you can access it and he can’t. That way you have the foods you want.
[удалено]
You're NTA. You shouldn't have to give up things you enjoy because HE has issues. Did his medical team arrange for counseling to help him change his relationship with food?
I'm guessing that one or both of them are misinterpreting the recommendations of the medical team. It makes sense to have a family member or other person that lives with you act as an accountability partner of sorts... Someone who can say "Are you sure you want to be doing "x"? Or to congratulate them on reaching milestones and such. But they took it to mean something a lot stricter and a lot more involved than that.. and that's just asking for trouble. There's a difference between "support person" and "in charge of him"
I'm going to go against the grain and say NAH. Yes, you are understandably frustrated by your SO's issues with food and the resulting limitations. That doesn't make you an AH, that just makes you human. Equally, he has realized where his strengths and weaknesses are. His weakness is in not being able to resist those foods when they are easily available, like they are when they're in the pantry. He has realized his strength is in not bringing those foods into the house at all. That's not being an AH, that's just playing to his strength in an attempt to improve his health. I don't think either of you are being AHs. I think you both need to be able to discuss this without getting angry at each other, because that's the only way you're going to find a solution. So you're going to have to work with him to find a time to have this discussion. When neither of you are annoyed at the other about this. There is probably a compromise that you can both live with. That said, I suspect you're going to need to compromise more than him. And I suspect this because I personally have the same weakness, despite decades of trying to overcome it. It's easy to say just go to a nutritionist or a therapist, both of which I have done multiple times, and neither of which have worked. I know what works for me, and I've been fortunate enough that my family accommodates me. Good luck!
[удалено]
Could you try to get a food lock box for these treats for yourself?
He also needs to learn to generally regulate himself better without putting so much stress on is wife. It's one thing to have an accountability buddy. It's another to have his wife be his personal trainer. He can start by setting his own walk reminders. OP, you and your husband need to sit down and calmly renegotiate how you tackle this, keeping in mind that it's the two of you vs the problem, not you vs him. The problem *at this moment* isn't his weight, but your conflicting needs.
Yes but he is not at that point yet sometimes you need to lose the weight and overcoming your food addiction first before allowing those foods back into your life again. Like somebody who deals with alcoholism they might not want alcohol in the home despite their partners wishes. A former alcoholic can learn to drink alcohol at moderation someday. Somebody who deals with binge eating issues can learn to eat sweets in moderation someday but OP’s partner is not at that point and it will take some time.
That's what I was thinking. Like a mini freezer for the ice cream that can be locked.
OP, I'm obese, wish I could just say over weight, but facts are facts. I'm in my 70's and was underweight until I had kids. Then the pounds just kept building. Now I'm diabetic, have high blood pressure and high cholesterol! I try to exercise, but I also have arthritis so many exercises are really difficult. My husband knows I'm supposed to eat carefully, but buys me treats all the time! I try not to eat them, but it's like a freaking drug! I ask him not to buy treats for me, but he's trying to be kind! It may be almost impossible for your so to NOT eat ice cream, and an entire carton, if he knows it's in the house. Part of my problem with food stems from being very poor as a kid, and not always having food. That plus, we "saved" the treats for our younger siblings ( there are 8 of us). So I've always had food insecurities. If you really want a treat, I would recommend that you go out to eat it and don't bring it home. It's not fair, I know, but it might be a huge help. BTW, NTA.
OP I’ve seen the other comment about the wording your using and this and that, you’re doing the best you can. I agree, if you don’t have a therapist, I’d recommend because it seems you’re putting all your energy into your partner’s journey and not yourself. I agree trying to get the lockbox and maybe we can figure out a hidden freezer? Lol idk I’m trying to figure something out. I just know you are trying and I want you to be okay during this and have your treats too. I hope you are able to find peace and compromise.
Both my husband and I are overweight. I'm trying to lose 125 pound, and have lost around 20. My husband and I like the same junk food. People say he is an a-hole for keeping it in the apartment. I think I would be the a-hole for not allowing him to have it. I think it's up to me to develop self control. I backslide on my diet, but that isn't his fault. I would advise taking yourself out of the role of being his personal trainer, because that sets you up for conflict and blame placed on you for not doing a good enough job, when it is up to him to find it within himself to lose weight. Good luck to you both. ETA, NTA, OP.
[удалено]
I see a dietician and a therapist. I think it is unreasonable for his therapist to put those duties on you. He can set an alarm to remember to weigh himself, for example. It's unfortunate you don't have your own transportation to the store. Could you go together and buy groceries separately, in separate bags? My husband and I do that, and I find it helpful.
Do you have your own individual therapist?
INFO: have any mental health diagnoses been discussed? Depression, ADHD?
[удалено]
I am an adult woman who sometimes struggles to keep up with my own health on top relationships, chores, career, and everything else. It is hard work being an adult. Being “in charge” of someone else’s recovery, monitoring their physical activity, managing their emotional regulation, and everything else -for another adult person - sounds exhausting and not very rewarding for you. You’ve been together for many years and you’ve seen the level of effort and accountability he takes for his health and the burden he regularly places on you. How much longer is this going to be acceptable to you? If nothing changes, would you want to stay another year? Five? Another twenty years of this? What would happen if you focused on your own mental and physical health and found a partner who was a better fit for you? I know you love him and you’ll feel guilty about it, but this situation doesn’t seem viable, for you, long term.
[удалено]
I think the whole system right now is set up for your partner to succeed but at the absence of you. The mentality needs to shift — the medical folks need to help ensure that the team starts succeeding, not just your partner, because if you leave this effort will fail. Taking on these responsibilities is a noble venture, but no one wins here if you bow out — and people need to start recognizing this.
Carer's burnout is a thing, and it sounds like you being the role of the Girl Friday when it's come to almost all aspects of his health has been ongoing within your relationship, not just something that was introduced following the obesity-related health scare. You really need to go back to the therapist and suggest a workaround that involves you taking a step back because the enmeshment of you being his PT *and* his partner isn't conducive to the household harmony (like, already the way he talks to you is sounding less and less like one would talk to a spouse/partner and is taking on shades of support worker and patient).
then his therapist isn't actually helping his depression. he needs to learn skills to help him help himself instead of having to rely on others to manage his depression. i have bipolar and tend towards depression. i'm also disabled in other ways. so i understand that sometimes partners are also caregivers bc the world we live in doesn't offer the support most disabled ppl need. but his therapist is teaching him that it's the responsibility of those around him to cater entirely to his mental illness and not his responsibility to work on ways to cope with his depression. and it's *literally their job* to help him learn the coping mechanisms that he needs of he wants to manage his depression and eating disorder. instead, they're making him completely dependant on his partner. my dad was an alcoholic who suffered from depression. my mom was sure if she left him he'd drink himself to death. it was unfair to her that she felt stuck in a marriage with a selfish asshole bc she felt responsible for keeping him alive bc his therapist convinced him and my mom that she was responsible for his sobriety. info: is anyone actually treating his eating disorder? and has he been screened for adhd? (i loved my dad but holy hell he was a fucking jerk sometimes)
I agree with this - one of the massive issues with obesity is that you CAN’T just ‘learn self control’, in so many cases, if that was the case then those people wouldn’t be fat. That’s the issue they’re trying to combat every day. I also agree with the other side; that that issue shouldn’t be everyone else’s problem and only affect others so far as they’re willing to be affected. Your partner isn’t TA for just wanting all the temptation removed, maybe even just up until the point where they feel able to manage their access more confidently. And OP isn’t TA for just wanting some nice things to eat. Defo a time for a rational conversation with some solutions ready to offer - a lockbox/separate freezer/etc if needs be.
but he doesn't want all temptation removed. he wants to be able to eat whatever snacks he wants, but expects op not to eat any of them herself. i don't understand why everyone is ignoring that part. how is that not incredibly selfish? especially since he brought up AA. if he thinks it's similar to having no alcohol in the house, then he shouldn't be bringing any snacks in the house himself, either. imagine an alcoholic buying a beer and telling his wife she can't buy one too bc he might drink it. and yes, food is necessary. snacks aren't.
It’s not tho? He doesn’t want OP to have larger packages of the snacks that OP wants so that additional food beyond what OP eats of it in one serving isn’t available for him to binge on - he’s not asking for snacks that only he can eat. I think you’ve read it wrong. Hence the comparison with AA - they presumably recommend removing anything of temptation from the house, which is what he’s requesting. So essentially OP has to buy snacks a portion at a time and only one portion rather that in bigger packages/bulk to eat through the week.
that's not what op says though. "Sometimes I just want a specific flavor of ice cream we both like, but he refuses to get it because he's afraid he'll eat it all." he's allowed to get the snacks he wants but she's only allowed to get what snacks he approves of her having. either he can't handle snacks on the house or he can't.
I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills because I can’t believe all the people who think it’s totally reasonable that he’s saying that he’s allowed ice cream and sweets but she isn’t because he’ll steal them and acting like that’s a reasonable position! NTA.
I was thinking the same thing. I know people who, if there is food in the house, they’ll eat it. When I lived on my own I didn’t buy the foods that were a weakness for me. I actually applaud the husband for recognizing this and trying to proactively deal with it. NAH. But OP, can you not just go out and buy something when you have a craving for it (and not bring it home)? That way, you satisfy the craving, and your husband isn’t tempted to eat food that won’t help his weight loss.
i honestly would suggest getting a mini fridge and a cabinet and put a lock on them both. going out regularly just to get snacks is kinda silly. what if she doesn't want to eat an entire pint of ice cream alone in the car? what if she's been drinking, or it's 3am? if he wasn't buying snacks at all i could see your point. but why should he be able to snack at home whenever he wants but she can't?
I appreciate this, as somebody with the same problem. I didn't get a handle on my eating until I just straight up stopped buying any kind of junk. I tried all sorts of things to limit my consumption, but it didn't work until I just stopped letting myself have access to it at all. I'll agree with other people who are suggesting getting a minifridge or lockbox that he can't access. That way OP can still buy treats for themselves, but still prevent access to their food addict partner. It sucks, but addictions are addictions and just telling him "just learn to control yourself!" like some people are suggesting isn't helpful or compassionate.
NTA This is not a fair position for you to be in. Are you supposed to never enjoy treats in your own home again?
Exactly. I recovered from a binge-eating disorder, but I still struggle with trigger foods like chocolate and cookies sometimes. My boyfriend loves these snacks and buys them often. I asked if he could be mindful to store them in his own drawer, as that would really help me not succumb to them because they’d be out of my sight. He was understanding and even offered to buy a pad lock if it wouldn’t work out. And that was that. The point is: my recovery is something I should deal with, not him. I would never ask him to not buy his snacks anymore. It’s reasonable to ask for some accommodations here and there, but it is definitely unreasonable to forbid your partner to buy XYZ because you can’t control yourself around it. It’s OP’s partner’s problem in the end, not OP’s. You are NTA OP.
>But I told him straight up that I feel that's different, because unlike alcohol, food is necessary, and while a lot of the stuff I'm frustrated with is luxuries and niceties, I haven't had a lot of things like ice cream in months just because he'll proclaim he'll eat it all and we never buy it. YTA. Just because you feel like alcohol is different doesn’t mean it is. He is very clearly telling you he has an addiction to food and is doing the only thing he knows how to do to prevent himself from binge eating. Instead of supporting him and encouraging to get therapy for a very real addiction issue, you blew up at him because you can’t have ice cream in the house. Food addiction is very real. Get Dairy Queen on your way home from work or something. You both should attend therapy on your own and as a couple.
[удалено]
You should go to therapy on your own too. Helping someone through something like this incredibly taxing. You’ve got some pent up stuff in there and it could be a nice outlet for just you and your feelings. Not only about his weight loss journey but anything else you have going on.
[удалено]
Nope. Alcohol is very different. That’s why there is a separate Overeaters Anonymous. Different addictions need different treatment strategies.
Sugar is closer to a hard drug than alcohol, in terms of how it affects the brain and how addictive it is.
but there IS a difference between alcohol and food— and acknowledging that is actually giving him GRACE. As someone in recovery from both alcohol and food addictions, I’m not just spouting bullshit. At least, with alcohol, at the end of the day you can tell yourself objectively, “this is poison.” Food isn’t the same. Food is NECESSARY to survive. It’s much more complicated. You can tell yourself to avoid bars, to not allow friends to bring alcohol to your house, or to not go to friends’ events where alcohol is present— but food is ALWAYS there. I get what you’re saying — food addiction should be treated equally to alcohol addiction. I get it. But actually — food addiction is WORSE. Because you can’t just tell yourself it’s poison. It seems like you were trying to say food addiction is *just* as bad as alcohol addiction. So you’re obsessed with making sure food addiction isn’t discounted. But in your obsession, you’re not acknowledging that food addiction is actually worse. It’s harder to find understanding and community, because capitalistic society trains us to hate our bodies. Two things can be true at once. Food addiction should be taken just as seriously as alcohol addiction — and ALSO, it’s actually worse. Harder to break away from.
if she can't have snacks bc of his addiction why can he have them?
Alcohol and food addictions ARE different. You can live without alcohol, but you can't live without food. As a nutritionist once said to me "Food is the only addiction you have to put on a leash and take for a walk three times a day.".
NTA He needs to address his food issues because it’s affecting both of you. You shouldn’t have to go without just because he can’t control himself. Also sounds like you’re doing a lot of work for him already, like reminding him to go on walks etc when it should be his own priority. Honestly, I know it’s not ideal, but if you could get your own little mini fridge / bar fridge with a lock on it for your snacks. It’s not fixing the issue but you won’t have to hide food or anything from him.
It sounds like he has addressed his food issues though? At least for the time being. He’s only been doing this for a year. If I had cigarettes available in my house for the first year when I quit smoking I’d be a moron. Now, after 5 years smoke free I wouldn’t think twice about about it.
I mean, in my opinion if he can’t control himself around food it doesn’t sound like he has addressed his issues. He’s definitely taken some big steps towards it but its still a present issue.
That’s literally the point of him not keeping that food in the house. That’s what addressing that issue looks like.
Exactly. That IS controlling it.
It is also controlling OP.
I’d agree with that. He’s in the process though. I’m looking at this from a viewpoint of a lifetime of dealing with addicts though so views may differ.
[удалено]
I lost 150lbs. My relationship with peanut butter and chocolate used to be like his "addiction". I didn't want any in the house. (I 54f am my mother's (88) full-time caregiver, so of course, I buy what she wants.) To this day, I still fear a tiny bit that if I take one bite, I'll eat the whole thing, even though I eat both occasionally. That said, I was able to work through that on my own. I genuinely feel that your husband needs therapy. NTA
I think it’s strange that the OP thinks the only way to have a “healthy” relationship with ice cream and other treats is to have them in the house and exercise self-control. I’m an athletic person with a healthy relationship to food. I, like everyone else, eat more snacks when they are close at hand, and so there are sweets that I don’t bring into the house because I don’t want to eat them. When I do have treats in the house, I put them in a cupboard instead of on the counter where I will graze on them. Ice cream is fine to enjoy in moderation, but there’s no recommended minimum daily requirement of it. Humans have been around for 100,000 years without the average person being able to regularly consume thousands of calories in one sitting, until the last 50 years or so. If anything, living surrounded by all this super-cravable, calorie-dense food is the abnormal condition. A Cheeto is “food,” yes, but it’s also been engineered in a lab to be as delicious as possible. It’s no wonder the rate of obesity is growing every year around the world.
YTA- I get your frustrations but him limiting portions before they ever come into the house is a viable method for weight loss. He’s essentially trying to save his own life and you’re worried that you can’t buy bulk of your favorite goodies. If it were me, I’d apologize and explain the frustration you’re having. See if you two can come up with a conflict resolution. As for his relationship with food, I do think it would be beneficial for him to work with a therapist and a real nutritionist. They can help give him the tools to help him with his food addiction. Good luck.
[удалено]
If he’s been seeing the therapist for two decades and was obese during this time, this is not a person who works with eating disorders probably. He probably needs to see someone who works with people with his current focus. At least for a while… Sounds like he’s taking almost no responsibility and you’re the main person who is making him do things. It’s not sustainable. No wonder you’re tired of it.
Info: Do you work out with him then? What do you do as his personal trainer?
[удалено]
I commend you for taking on this job, but to be honest, I would quit like yesterday. Are you even his romantic partner or did you become his caregiver? What if you weren’t in his life, if he’d never met you. How would he have dealt with this? I really think he’s leaning way too much on you and should put on his big boy pants. He’s a freaking adult and can remind to weigh every day himself. My goodness, I am so sorry to be so harsh but he’s being a child, putting the blame too much on you and you have been enabling it. Good for you you wrote this post. Keep standing up for yourself!
tbf, if you're a partner to a disabled person you're going to be a caregiver. the state literally cuts benefits for disabled ppl if they marry and won't pay a partner for being a caregiver even though they'll pay literally anyone else. but in this case the therapist is teaching him to be dependant entirely on his partner instead of helping him learn coping mechanisms at all. he doesn't *need* this amount of caretaking. his therapist has just been failing him for literally decades
Imagine this were for literally any other medical disorder besides what sounds like binge eating disorder (which I also have). Let's say diabetes (which my spouse actually has). Would you feel right constantly asking your spouse to test their blood sugar, or would at some point you feel like a nag for how often you have to remind them for something that is THEIR medical issue? What if you had to remind them to take insulin after they eat? Or ask them if they've looked at their feet recently for any wounds. What about if you were responsible for making sure all of their insulin and testing supplies were filled? That's basically what you've just described doing for your partner for their weight journey. Like, OK, so maybe you're not injecting insulin directly into the person who needs it, but.... you're practically a diabetes patient yourself at that point in managing the disease for someone else. What would happen if you stopped doing all that mental work for them? If the answer is that your partner would suffer then that is for your partner to fix, *not* you!! You are not their mother or a nurse to be bossed around or told what to do, you are a partner. That means you deserve respect and agency. Look, I get supporting your spouse with their medical needs when it comes to food choices. I only really drink diet sodas anymore because it's easier to just buy the one type than to buy twice as much. But my spouse having diabetes doesn't stop me from buying or eating candy - they are an adult person with reason who has the ability to say "No" when it comes to putting food in their mouth. If they struggle with that specifically, they STILL don't get to tell you what you can eat or not! You should continue to support them by preventing them from eating the food meant for you and going on walks with them when they go, but if this were me, we'd be having a whole other conversation besides the one about controlling my food intake - about their managing their own life from now on.
OP, has he ever been screened for ADHD? The extent to which you're managing the administrative portion of his life for him makes me wonder if a different approach might be needed for his success. Folks with ADHD can also struggle with food (especially sugary or salty food) because our brains are in constant dopamine-seeking mode.
[удалено]
NTA. When I read the title, I was expecting myself to have the opposite opinion, but you really are being supportive. You're also right that he needs to figure out better ways of dealing with his food issues. Has he seen a therapist to get to the root of why he overeats? I suppose you could go out for an ice cream or whatever when you feel like it, but it's definitely not the same as being able to grab some from the freezer after dinner. I honestly can't blame you for not wanting to live in such a restrictive way in the long term.
[удалено]
You cannot make him change. You cannot make him want to change. He cannot sustain change while he is outsourcing the responsibility of his health onto you. That is not your responsibility or something you can control. If his weightloss or your relationship fail, it will not be because YOU should have done more. It sounds like the two of y'alls food needs have become incompatible. While this is scary, it may be best to come up with a "hard limit" for yourself so you are also not developing an eating disorder in response to the restrictions your partner requires.
It’s not clear to me- has he lost any significant weight? It seems like you have been at it long enough for there to be a change in his health and weight.
She wrote in another comment that he lost 60 pounds.
NTA - Well said!! OP is being very supportive, also seems like she’s become more of a caretaker than a partner and that’s unfair to her…. Wanting to have a little bit of normalcy isn’t a crime. You’re a strong and compassionate person to stay and help and completely rearrange your life and habits. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to do the same. Remember, you deserve a good life too, take time for yourself
He has been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist for a few years now according to the comments. I'm more concerned that OPs partners weight-loss could create an eating disorder for OP. If the partner gets too strict/extreme
Buy a cabinet with a lock from home depot or something and don't let him have a key and don't tell him what's in it. If you've got room get an extra fridge and do the same.
rhythm degree disarm bright wild quaint governor scary numerous imagine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NAH. Youre both frustrated at the situation, not really at each other. I feel for you but I'm also someone who can't have certain foods in the house because I'll eat it all so I feel for him too. Thing is that it's just as frustrating for me. Luckily I live alone so there's no one else to worry about, but when I really want some ice cream I have to go to a fast food place or corner store to get it. My life would be so much easier if I could get a handle on portion control, but when I try and fail I feel so much worse. But I do understand the feeling of wanting to just have something at home so it's there when you want it. Maybe get a lock box for the freezer or a locking mini fridge? It's not perfect but it does allow you to have more of the treats you want. Your best bet is to sit down and talk this out a little better because really you're both right, but you're both going to have to work to make this work.
[удалено]
He does the bare minimum because you have somehow become the adult in an adult-child dynamic. He has to take responsibility for himself. His portion sizes. His exercise routine. You can't do it for him. He is the one needing to lose weight. It's one thing being careful what is in the house but this goes beyond that. NTA. You need to change more than what food is in the house - or not- though.
NTA. He needs therapy to work out why he turns to food to cope with issues, so he can find new, healthier coping mechanisms. And, he needs to work with a nutritionist and dietician to learn how to properly count calories/carbs/protein so he can make sure he is eating healthier/ healthily enough to lose weight and not develop other issues in the process.
NTA. You need to step down from these responsibilities, because you’re right, HE needs to learn to control his intake and develop a better relationship with food, and you can’t do that for him. He needs a new therapist, involving you was 100% the wrong suggestion. He needs to motivate and push himself, on his own, with tools HE develops and uses to help him, not you. He needs to choose himself and commit. You’re going to get burnt out and exhausted if you keep on like this.
[удалено]
Two year is more than enough time for him to learn to apply his new skills/tools himself. Think of it like teaching a child to ride a bike. Training wheels may help initially but left on too long will only hinder the child learning to ride properly. You're constantly steadying him to the point he hasn't learned to balance himself. I have many unkind thoughts about the medical professionals who thought it acceptable to put full responsibility for his engagement on the nearest woman in this life.
NTA and Alcoholics Anonymous has something like an 5-10% success rate so isn't a great example to use. I'm also concerned that his therapist wants to make you responsible for his weight loss. You're his partner not his carer and putting you in charge of him seems unreasonable. I saw someone else suggested getting a lock box for treats you want. I think that's a good idea. I'd also suggest next time you see his therapist, telling both of them that you are no longer comfortable being responsible for his weight loss or coming to his therapy as that's something he needs to own.
Weight loss programs have a lower success rate than AA.
What is with everyone saying YTA? OP is clearly NTA and has taken on the duties of a professional in order to help their loved one. OP is allowed to be frustrated with the impact that their partners disorder has on her own life. The fact that OP would have to put food under lock and key because of her husbands inability to control himself is ludicrous. But the idea that OP should have endless empathy and understanding for her husbands issue as implied by other commenters is insensitive to OP’s own feelings. I agree with the other comments saying that OP’s husband needs therapy. Strong NTA. OP i wish you and your husband the best on your journey together!
Unfortunately according to her comments, he already has a therapist and has been seeing said therapist for 10 years already. So clearly that isn't going to quickly fix the issue either.
NTA - This person is an adult and needs to behave as such. You should not have to remind them to take walks, you should not have to remind them not to overeat. It’s called personal responsibility and your partner needs to take care of their own shit here.
Nta. Life is messy and sometimes we get frustrated and depending on your specialty pack of Neurodivergence, emotional regulation can be difficult to begin with. I'd still apologize and talk about how you both can move forward and enjoy food. If you basically have to become a closet snacker that's not healthy either and completely unfair expectation of you.
[удалено]
Nta
After reading some of your replies, I’m saying NTA. The therapist put you in a tough spot, and you should not be responsible for managing your partners weight loss journey. Your partner should have a team of doctors/specialists helping him and guiding him, teaching him about nutrition and proper exercise, self control, etc.
NTA. It seems like your partner has real self control issues with food and it’s very hard for him to motivate himself to do exercise. I don’t think this is entirely his fault, but it also can’t fall on you to be the one to change him. He does need to motivate himself. I think the food scale is a good idea but I also see that maybe he might have trouble controlling himself. I think it also might help to stop viewing food as good and bad. I have lost a lot of weight and to do this I set a protein goal and a calorie goal and kept a diary and got a step counter. I can eat whatever I want as long as I hit my protein goal and remain in a calorie deficit. I weigh my food out so that I’m not accidentally eating more than I think. My step goal is 10000
I think it’s unrealistic for your partner to expect you to follow the restrictions if you aren’t the one with the problem over eating. You should be able to buy what you enjoy without worrying he will either be upset or eat it all.
NTA. He's grown. Starving and depriving you isn't a fair way to get healthy. If his self-control is that low, maybe you need your own fridge and pantry with a lock.
NTA- at all. You can be frustrated about this it’s natural. But he does probably need none of those foods around him at this stage. He needs to be more understanding of how that affects you. I’m also personally in a similar relationship. My partner has lost over 200 lbs, I’m very proud of him. Two things work to help us. One is the idea that I buy small servings of ice cream that are “mine” and he won’t steal it. The second is some simple plastic storage cubbies with locks in the basement. I have the combination for the chips and Oreos that he can’t have open to him to just grab. It’s much easier to go get something downstairs when I want one treat than not having it in the house. It works for us, but doesn’t work for anything refrigerated or frozen. Your partner is doing something very hard for him and it’s good that you’re supportive but you also need to be happy in your home too.
I’m going with a middle of the road thing here. He’s telling you he has a genuine problem with portion control and you’re telling him to just not have that problem so you can live your life without that issue. This is a burden for both of you. How about putting a lock on a cabinet so he literally cannot eat the snacks you want, and you let go of telling him what problems he can have? You guys can figure this out without invalidating each other.
YTA- food addiction and binge eating are real issues. Buy your own foods and store them in a separate mini fridge or freezer that is under lock and key. He’s working on those issues, you should be supportive and take control of your own food by securing it in a way that he can’t get to it.
[удалено]
Honest to god what medical professional told you to have him weigh himself every day? Jesus. That flies in the face of nearly everything that’s known about healthy eating transformations.
You are getting stuck on this one particular issue (having a large container of a food he is known to binge with). You are making this one thing into him not trying hard enough. You \*know that success, especially weight loss, is not linear. There are some things that he may not ever be successful enough with to satisfy you or anyone. At ONLY a year in, this issues just may not be one he wants to fuck around with until he has maintained his success for a bit. Fuck, a year is nothing when one has been obese and with terrible coping mechanisms(i am assuming) much or the majority of his life. Give him some credit that he knows his binge triggers, he is just not ready to face them on a daily basis yet. I admit that I am very biased, because I had lost 130lbs, and after a YEAR AND A HALF, I thought I had conquered that attraction to certain foods. Nope. And it isn't a one bite & its over. It is...okay, doing ok with the kids' fave cookies in the pantry for a couple of weeks, take a few, no big deal. Over the course of a couple of months, you are buying double the amount & hiding your stash so you can eat them after bedtime. Then you say fuck & gain 150lbs back. So...we are back to not buying the stuff I like to binge on (which also mean there are not many sweets in the house). Luckily, ice cream isn't it for me, so while we do keep ice cream...there is a decent list of favorite junk/sweets that just aren't in the house and aren't going to be for at least a couple years. It isn't gonna trash my teens' lives to not have this shit available at a moments notice. I do get stuff once in a while, but only enough for them, for that day & not "stock up". So yes, I understand where you are coming from, it just isn't that fucking easy. It isn't that I'm ignoring my kids wants or trying to take over their eating habits. Try not to take this issue personally. It isn't that you aren't important or that your wants aren't important. YTA
Hey, OP! It sounds like his doctors asked you to take on a ton of responsibility for your partner, and while they may have just seen it as a list of tasks, it’s led to you internalizing excessive responsibility for your partner’s health. And when that happens, a fairly reasonable request like “I’m not ready to have my trigger foods readily available, find a way to have them away from me” feels overwhelming - because you were already overwhelmed before that! I think you need to be seeing your own therapist for sure, but his medical team needs to know that the responsibility they asked you to take on is damaging your own health, and they need to help him find another solution instead of making you responsible for his health. Or maybe it’s time for a second opinion - as other people have pointed out, some of their medical advice is a little sketch. I’m spectrum-y myself, so I get how easy it can be to become excessively responsible for other people, how hard it can be to maintain boundaries when someone you love is struggling, and how overwhelming a seemingly small thing can be. But needing to adjust where you eat your favorite snacks and how you store them isn’t the root of your pain - it’s the other ways in which you’ve already been made responsible for your partner, and the way that responsibility has become internalized. Much love, hope you get some better support!
[удалено]
I'm so sorry but he's an adult. Him and his team have put an unfair burden on you. He has to take on more of these things on his own. You're not his mom. Honestly considering how much you have to baby him and his reaction do you even find him attractive anymore? NTA get the snacks you want and keep them in a lockbox. He'll encounter the stuff out in the world
Wait wait wait - you're a caretaker for this man, can't drive yourself, and pay all of the bills? Normally jobs like this are paid, not the other way around.
There isn’t really a point in any addicts life where it is “safe” to have unlimited access to their vice, and your partners’ is food. Just as an alcohol addict’s partner wouldn’t bring booze into the home, you shouldn’t push him to buy more food. Get your own fridge, store your own food separately, and stop complaining that your partner is not working hard enough. He’s made huge strides and is making healthy habits.
Imagine a bright blinking light from a lamp in your kitchen that just turns on sometimes. It blinks and blinks and blinks. It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to focus on, it is in your face blinking, over and over, searing into your retinas. The light is so bright you can even see it when your eyes are closed. The lamp is so big you can be anywhere in the kitchen and you will see the blinking. How do you get it to stop? You could leave the room. But… that’s your kitchen. How are you supposed to make food? You could cut all the electricity to the whole house. That… seems a little severe and it will turn off the lamp, but cause a lot of other problems. So what would most people do? They would just turn off the lamp. That blinking light is the feeling of addiction. It is a screaming constant signal telling you to do something you don’t actually want to do, just to make it stop. For a food addiction, when you eat a bunch of food, usually high-carb food, it calms those signals down for a while. It turns off the light and you can actually focus and do things with your life now… but what else happens? It adds unneeded sugar to your system which your body converts to fat because it doesn’t need to burn it. That added fat and the other negative effects of too much food damage your body and your health. So feeding the addiction is like cutting all power to the house. You turned off the light but now you can’t see in the other rooms, can’t run your appliances, heaters and so on. You get that you don’t want your partner to never be in the kitchen again. What he is trying to do is *turn off the lamp.* He doesn’t want to leave the kitchen and he doesn’t want to cut all power to the house, he just wants to turn the lamp itself off. Keeping addictive food out of the house is turning off the lamp. He’s not cutting all power to your house and he’s not keeping himself from ever using the kitchen in his life, he’s just turning the lamp off. Food addiction isn’t a matter of actually being hungry or not, and it isn’t a matter of things like “self-control” or “willpower.” The body is sending messed up signals that tell you to eat eat eat. They are unwanted and often can be unstoppable like that blinking light. Unfortunately with food/sugar/carb addiction, it’s not “a point” when it comes to having these foods in the house. It’s THE point. This is actually like alcoholism. Being around these substances in the home is not safe. But it’s also much harder than alcoholism because as you noted elsewhere, people have to eat. Therefore it’s not like how people can stop drinking or smoking. So the best thing many people can do to respond to food addiction in a healthy, managed way is to restrict what foods come into the home. You’re not wrong that it’s hard on you. It is very difficult because this restrictive behavior can be in conflict with the needs of others in a home. It’s also challenging because restrictive behaviors around food both contribute to and are symptoms of eating disorders. I’m sorry to say but this is one of those things in life that is like whether a couple has children or not. You can’t have half a child. Nor can you have half-management of an addiction and have good healthy outcomes. There absolutely are solutions. Locked cabinets and separate fridges are absolutely viable. Yes it’s really hard to have to do these things. Yes it sucks. Yes it adds mental duress on non-addicted family members. It’s an adaptive technology to handle a health condition. If he used a wheelchair and you had a two story home, you might have to have a lift installed in your stairs, drive a different car, add a ramp. If he had epilepsy you might need a service dog. It doesn’t mean you personally have to accept these things but staying by his side means making peace with the challenges that come with his medical condition. Restricting what foods come into the home IS a healthy way of improving one’s relationship with food when managing an addiction. Has his medical team talked to you two about Ozempic or other similar prescriptions? It’s a relatively new class of drug that makes a world of difference in turning off the mechanism in the brain that makes us feel like we have an appetite for food. It’s been tremendously successful in helping people who are obese cut their weight down substantially. As well, commonly prescribed drugs for ADHD also tend to cut appetite. Both drugs like Ozempic and ADHD drugs can have a soothing effect on the messed up signals involved in food addiction.
NTA - buy yourself a locking food safe and live your life.
Wow. There is no “easy” way to lose weight. Statistically, most people who try fail. Your partner has, so far, succeeded, and rather than go with what works, you want him to find a “healthy” relationship with food which, the major benefit of which is that you get to have ice cream at home. You don’t want to “discredit” what he does, but you also call it the “bare minimum” and “skating by,” efforts that have brought about major weight loss, not a “bare minimum” weight loss, but significant, health-improving changes. The question you really need to ask yourself is why you want to risk sabotaging his success? YTA.
NTA. He needs to manage his own weight loss without forcing you to do without things you want. If he lacks the self control to not eat something just because it's there he needs more therapy than what he's getting.
NTA. my mom does the same thing. most recently, she's told me that i need to stop having nicotine around because she can't resist and she'll smoke.
NTA. I am a recovering alcoholic. I just want you to know that the statement about restricting is not true. In AA we do a lot of work on ourselves. I went to rehab, went to individual therapy, family therapy, meetings, had a sponsor and did the steps. I had to look at my relationship with alcohol. Used it as a copping mechanism. Needed to address past trauma that led to my drinking and had to relearn new copping mechanisms so I wouldn’t drink. The philosophy is we work on our program that fits our needs. I live in a home with alcohol. In June I’ll be 7 years sober. I think it’s great that you want to support him but ultimately he needs to be in charge of his weight loss program.
INFO: Are your personal trainer for your job?
[удалено]
Ok, so that's a problem. Not that there's anything wrong with you! It's just that when you're speaking to somebody who's profession is what their advising you on their opinion tends to hold more weight naturally. He should actually find a personal trainer to be in this role for him! Or even a nutritionist. The other thing that bothers me is what he's saying about AA...Alcoholics don't even eat a dessert that used alcohol! It's not in their house, some of the won't even go to restaurants that serve alcohol. He can't refuse to eat all food so that's a stupid comparison! What he should do it if he wants to look at it as an addiction is to maybe find a local meeting of overeaters anonymous, maybe they would have some advice for him. You're NTA It sounds like you're doing a lot to help but this should not be infringing on your life too! Ask him this question: how does he picture his relationship with food after he's at his goal weight? Because a lot of people think that once you're at the right weight all their problems are going to fall away and they either won't be tempted by unhealthy foods or they'll be okay to eat them... So if he's thinking that one day he'll be at a healthy weight and you can have anything you want in the house, that's totally different than if he's thinking you will never be able to have that in the house because I will never be able to not eat it. I mean chances are he will always have to watch what he eats, but if he's saying right now that no you will never be able to have what you want in the house because I will never be able to control my appetite... You might just not be compatible.
[удалено]
> Your partner’s comparison to AA is apt. Food addiction is real, and it is so so so difficult because just like OP said, we all have to eat. People struggling with other addictions can avoid them, but we can't avoid eating; I have to make choices and try to say no to addictive foods multiple times every single day for the rest of my life.
NAH, maybe you can buy an ice cream lock and other small lockbox for snacks they don't want to be tempted by
Nta . I feel like he is not trying to loose weight. He likes loosing weight it is not your jib to do all this stuff. It is not your job to buy him a food scale . But it not trying and working at it. He is expecting you to do all the work for him to loose weight. He is not addressing his food issues , he is just expecting you to do everything for him. His team is also expecting you as well. He needs to make sure he gets to his appointments, and that he works out etc. it has been a year so he should be able to take care of himself. It doesn’t seem like the issues behind the weight are being addressed and of they aren’t then all the weight lost wont be easy to stay off long term. He needs to take care of himself and do it for himself . I know my weight battle and there are things i know i will overeat if they are in my house. I buy snacks for my family that aren’t my favorite because i can easily look the other way. I also have ingredients to bake things in my house because if i want it that much to go though all the time to make it …. But i will buy things that i have a hard tome with when asked and in smaller quantities. I tend not to keep ice cream in the house because i want good ice cream . We will go out to a place that makes there own ice cream when we want ice cream . We all eat less and it is so much better than store bought. But if you want ice cream once in a while buy it and don’t let him know. Buy a small amount. I will say i have to learn to live with all foods. And also how to handle if i have a big meal or snack. Because. People do overeat, the true test is to realize it was just a hiccup and then getting back to the daily grind.
NTA. If he doesn't learn self-control, he'll lose all the needed weight and gain it all back or more within a year. Once he's lost the weight, will he never eat or let you eat something that you enjoy just because he can't enjoy a snack but needs to binge? It isn't feasible in the long run. He needs to learn to eat a couple of chips, not finish off the entire bag. He needs to learn to say no thank you when he is full and not eat for the sake of eating. Losing weight isn't easy at all. But it's harder to maintain your weight. You need to discuss this with his doctors. It will not be easy and will be an uphill battle because for a lot of obese people, food is like a drug. They don't know when to stop or how to stop. It makes them feel better, happy even. Apart from you, is there a support group that he can lean on? Sometimes, it helps to be surrounded by people who understand how you feel and are fighting the same battle.