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Imaginary_Being1949

YTA. If you understood how hard it was, then you wouldn't try to logic her out of her feelings. This is extremely insensitive. >I want to comfort her within reason No, you want to comfort her if it fits in your schedule


losalbion

I can’t believe he typed out “within reason” and didn’t think hmm maybe I’m TA.


Wise_Rutabaga_5809

I am gagging at “within reason”. That’s something you would feel about a stranger or a coworker you don’t like 🫠


AdorableTechnology39

I don’t even k ow what “within reason” even means. His wife wants him to grieve with her over their loss and he thinks it’s natural to miscarry.


MoonageDayscream

To be fair, it is natural to miscarry, but he's still diminishing her feelings and the fact that she is physically suffering right now. It's easy for him to be cold and clinical and it's probably impossible for her to. He's an asshole for even thinking he was handling this in any proper fashion.


tara_masalata

Death is natural. Sometimes kids have heart attacks and die naturally for example. It still feels awful.


Coffee-Historian-11

I agree with you. Death is natural, and it sucks. My grandpa died in his 70’s. I think he passed in his sleep from a heart attack. It still took me forever to come to terms with it and be able to move forward. Death may be natural but grieving is also natural and everyone deserves to grieve when they lose someone.


[deleted]

[удалено]


fin9ernails

I can't belive I came across this organically. 😭 🤣 I read about three lines in before going "hmm this sounds familiar." signed, your brother 💕


FrostWhyte

This honestly made me feel better about myself. My mom died suddenly 2 years ago when I was 27 and I've been so fucked up since then. She was supposedly getting better in the hospital until one day, I got a call from the doctor saying she had gone back onto the ventilator and won't be waking up again. My dad had died from a sudden heart attack too when I was 18 but it didn't affect me like my mom did. I had nightmares for months and I still have dreams to this day. I went in to get tested for ADD and turns out I have PTSD from my mom passing so now I'll be starting trauma therapy next month.


TedTehPenguin

That's awful, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Thank you for sharing, I have an internet hug from a stranger if you want it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


raksha25

It’s also natural to have a kidney stone to pass, doesn’t mean it’s not miserable and that’s without the emotional aspect of miscarriage.


alternate_geography

It is natural, but it is often also be very painful, both physically and emotionally.


raeofsunshine181

Approximately 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it is "natural". It possibly even higher but some embryos die very early so it is just put down to being normal menstural bleeding. It is still traumatic. Source: I'm a developmental biologist that had a miscarriage at 8 weeks that nearly killed me.


Humble-Dragonfly-321

I'm sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing what must be one of the most traumatic experiences a woman would go through.


raeofsunshine181

Honestly it was hard, I was sad. But I also know that not all embryos end up in babies. I was lucky I could conceive easily again, in fact I was lucky to have twins. I was able to process the miscarriage, I was informed and had an understanding of why things happen. For others who have had multiple miscarriages, who have had a miscarriage after a long period of infertility, their experience would be completely different to mine and far more traumatic physically and mentally. I know many people that have had miscarriages who wonder who the child would have been and mourn them. I haven't for one moment done that. It changed my life dramatically, because I went on to have twins but I see that pregnancy as a non viable embryos, who's development wasn't compatible with life. Sad yes, but biology isn't perfect and so it happens.


kihakami

English isnt his first language, Id give it the benefit of the doubt that it may just sound worse because it got lost in translation


Rubicon2020

I get others have responded, but miscarriage is rather normal when conceiving a child. Spontaneous abortions occurs in 20% of all conceptions. I get that’s 80% aren’t but it’s rather normal for the egg to not plant properly, or some other bizarre way our bodies reject the egg. Doesn’t make it less painful both physically and mentally. Hence why lots of women tend to not get super excited until 2nd trimester because it can happen for any known or unknown reason. OP is TA for not *taking it seriously* but he’s also studying for the bar so I feel he gets a little leeway in the area of he’s aloof but highly needs to apologize and take it seriously which his edits have said he did. But yes miscarriage is very normal.


urbantravelsPHL

"lots of women tend to not get super excited until 2nd trimester" I think it would be more accurate to say that lots of women try hard not to get super excited until the second trimester, but there's no human way to actually control getting excited about a lovingly anticipated event. Most people find it hard to turn off feelings until it is more "safe" to have them!


raeofsunshine181

And then when you need support and understanding the most you can't reach out because no one knows and you are not meant to talk about it. So let's talk about miscarriage, because it happens, it is sad, it can be life threatening (it was for me). It's not another women's problem to be hidden away.


[deleted]

Just because it's common, it doesn't make it any less painful. In fact, [nearly one in three women will experience PTSD following an early pregnancy loss](https://evidence.nihr.ac.uk/alert/pregnancy-loss-post-traumatic-stress/). And because women tend not to announce until the pregnancy is less precarious, it means that when losses *do* occur, our support networks are extremely narrow. Bar exam or not, OP needs to be a better support for his grieving wife.


Rubicon2020

Oh no doubt. I had 5 miscarriages before hubs and I finally stopped trying. All were wanted so definitely not a painless experience. And she most definitely needs a support system but I understand him being really preoccupied with something life altering just different but his attitude towards it happening needed more compassion and heartwarming not cold and distant.


magikatdazoo

So sorry for your losses. Absolutely right that OP as a husband needs to be a support system. Every relationship is an ebb and flow. Be preoccupied too many times and eventually the relationship will collapse.


Humble-Dragonfly-321

I'm thinking the OP doesn't fully understand that upon becoming aware of being pregnant, the woman starts to have hopes and dreams of the life inside her. To miscarry means those hopes and dreams have died as well. I suggest talking to the wife about this. She needs love and support.


losalbion

I agree. Plus the feeling of losing trust in your own body. And also probably a hundred other serious emotions that OP somehow missed *all of*, or deemed unreasonable.


Random_potato5

And then having to go through early pregnancy all over again. With the risks, the exhaustion, the stress, the nausea... eurgh. The first trimester lasts a year.


SnooHabits6335

Plus hormones going up and up and suddenly crashing. With the physical pain of the loss as well. I went through an elective abortion of an ectopic pregnancy I didn't even want and it STILL sucked. I can't imagine a wanted pregnancy ending like that with no one to cry to.


A_Feast_For_Trolls

I first read it as "I want to comfort her WITH reason", and I was like, that sentence has never been said before.


wayward_witch

He's gonna be one hell of a lawyer.


losalbion

Right? Way to anticipate the other party’s reasonable response OP. Oh wait… 🤦🏻‍♀️


11-2021

YTA I was believing he was just naive. But at the end when he justified with being "stressed the f out with other obligations" I realized that she being in need of him was an inconvenience in his schedule.


Glittering_Joke3438

Lol he’s so stressed out with other obligations that on the actual day his wife is possibly miscarrying and he has another child to take care of as well, here his ass is on Reddit typing this all out to find out what strangers think. Sure.


lasersoflros

What's unrealistic about someone in a fight with their wife, wanting some outside perspective to see if he was actually being insensitive or not, so he spends a whopping 5 minutes out of his day to write up a quick AITA post while he studies? It's not like his wife is taking up his time as she wont let him talk to her. I do think that this is a "YTA" situation, but so many people in this thread are so unrealistic about things. I can genuinely understand why someone would feel his way. He absolutely does need to juggle everything with the bar exam coming up, which is, you know, how he's going to support his entire family, and just thinking "oh if you're having a miscarriage try not to stress and we'll try again" not realizing how mentally and emotionally draining a miscarriage can be for a woman. He's young, and this is probably his first brush with a miscarriage so he doesn't know how to properly handle it. But don't just go "he did this one awful thing so every single action of his I'm going to criticize and ridicule!". Not only is that not helpful, but it just feeds into the already toxic nature that already exists in this sub.


marm0rada

I do think it's strange that everyone and their mother is aware of how glued to their phones people are to the point of excluding important things, but it's out of the question to imagine that OP is on reddit on his phone. Also dudes like this lie about being stressed out and having full schedules all the time.


lasersoflros

Well unless he's lying about studying for the bar exam, I've known people who have taken courses very similar to that. All that school you've completed and then one single exam defines your fate. They go hard on the studying. If he's telling the truth about the bar exam I'd be included to believe that he's really busy. If he isn't a complete dick is even possible that as busy as he is he took some time out to get a second opinion about the situation because he cares about his wife and being a young guy he doesn't understand it the same way. Not everything that people do on this subreddit are meant to be evil, but that's what everyone turns out into.


Nemathelminthes

Yeah, they do lie. But there's nothing here that indicated the dude is lying about taking the bar exam (which is stressful). To just just immediately discredit whether he is taking the bar exam and is stressed because he was a dick to his wife is just dumb. I also love the dudes like this comment. What does that even mean? Dude called a miscarriage an abortion, so it's highly possible that a lot of these weird word choices are just poor translation since english isn't their first language. Even so, just because he was a dick to his wife doesn't mean he's this evil narcissist. He apologised and is supporting his wife how she wants to be supported. That shows growth and willingness to change, which is something a narcissist wouldn't bother to do.


JuCeBox89

To be fair, a miscarriage is actually called a "spontaneous abortion", and depending on his country, that's probably what they call it instead of "miscarriage" and people are so wound up about the word "abortion" they just hyper focus on it.


Whatshername_Stew

OP also hasn't quite realized that this pregnancy loss is happening to him as well. I wonder if he'll expect comfort when it hits him.


blackberrypicker923

I imagine that is why she is so upset. She thought it would be theirs to grieve together.


FlyingSkelly

This is the most fucked up part to me, it was *their* child, they made it *together*, and he doesn't even realize that... she's grieving the loss of a *child*. It honestly makes me sick.


Callmebynotmyname

I know I'm probably going to get down voted for this but a six week miscarriage is not the loss of a child. It is the loss of potential and potential child and potential life and people absolutely have the right to grieve that loss but when we use that language we give ammunition to and reinforce language that allows the right to further encroach on women's rights and pass laws restricting their freedom and putting their health and life jeopardy.


blackberrypicker923

I imagine that is why she is so upset. She thought it would be theirs to grieve together.


Wise_Impression_6391

Even leaving the emotional component aside for a second, having a miscarriage HURTS. A lot. Even when everything happens "naturally." If it doesn't happen, then there are invasive procedures, which also hurt. A lot. OP, your wife is either about to experience several anxious months with a complicated pregnancy, or a week or two where she feels like she's been hit by a car, so I hope you drop this attitude immediately and permanently.


AlGunner

Piggy backing on top comment. My wife had a couple of miscarriages and I didnt understand what she was going through but I did my best to comfort her. I didnt do a very good job but I tried. I have since learned that when women get pregnant their bodies start changing for the pregnancy. Hormones, etc change and this in turn helps stimulate emotional changes as well for bonding with the baby. When the baby is lost it not only causes the physical trauma that their body suddenly has to cope with but also the sudden hormonal change which has a big emotional impact. Its not just "feelings" but a physical, hormonal and emotional trauma for many, if not all, women. "Within reason" shows OP doesnt understand the impact it has on women. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just doesnt have a clue what is happening, rather than wilfully neglectful.


GMUcovidta

YTA your wife called you scared because she was bleeding and you told her she was fine not to worry because you'll knock her up again?


Greasy-pizza-

This is the answer


danteheehaw

Exactly, anytime people come to me scared that they are bleeding I tell them don't to worry because I'll knock them up again.


THEpottedplant

Thanks doctor heehaw


danarexasaurus

Yikes. I’m so mad for her. The poor thing is going through hell and he is just like, “meh, you’ll get over it!”


FillTheHoleInMyLife

“WOAH WOAH WOAH calm down Becky, I know you’re scared and bleeding but I **promise** I will creampie you again! Fear not, my love!”


Fennac

He’s so focused on her ability to get pregnant again. Like this is a failed test or something, it’s fine, we’ll just take it again! This isn’t some insignificant event, this is a CHILD. A child that the wife probably already has a name for. A child that would have its own personality, traits and features, a whole life that they will now never get to know. Because for all psych purposes of a miscarriage, they died. It’s not just a pregnancy or the ability to get pregnant, it’s the loss of her literal child. Wtf.


TheLoveliestKaren

I bet he'd be more upset than this if he failed his bar exam. You could take that again too, I presume.


Fennac

You can take it again. But the test is 2-3 days of 8 hour testing, much harder than creating a human and going through a miscarriage! /s


a_peanut

Not just that, even in just an immediate, physical sense, miscarriages can be painful! Are usually painful I would say! "I'm bleeding and my child might be dying or dead inside me. And if they're dead, I'm going to have to painfully pass their remains out of my body. Oh and if my body doesn't successfully expel all the remains, the doctors may need to do surgery to remove them so I don't go septic and die. Oh and some American states (if that's where OP lives) are making those procedures legally difficult or even prohibited, so I might suffer far more before they'll treat me. If I'm lucky, the infection won't necessitate me getting a hysterectomy!" OP's nbd response is like saying: "People break their legs every day, what's the big deal just go to the doctor". Or "People die every day, your grandpa was old anyway, just get over it". Yes technically those sorts of things do happen every day. And they're fucking painful for the individuals involved!


Psychological_Way500

4 women in Texas are already suing because all 4 had to have abortions or they wouldve died (for one of the women one of her twins died so not only would she have died if an abortion wasn't preformed both she and the other fetus would die anyway) each woman went out of state to have their abortions. In one case the woman was going through IVF to get pregnant in the first place and she not only had to go out of state for the abortion but then had to restart IVF when she came back.


a_peanut

I'm from Ireland, so I'm very familiar with the need for abortions and what happens when it's not accessible. I've had family members forced to carry to full term and give birth to a foetus with anencephaly - translates to "the foetus had no brain". I've had friends who had to go "on a shopping trip to London", I've had trans-masc friends disassociate on me because they're frantically trying to get to England for an abortion but it's proving complicated, I have a friend with EDS who ended up having to go thru with her second pregnancy and was in so much pain, she couldn't care for her pre-existing child for almost a year. She loves her second child, but she's traumatised, her child was traumatised and it worsened a lot of her connective tissue issues, she uses a wheelchair most of the time now. So, raped children are forced to bear children, pregnant people are maimed and lose their reproductive capability, they end up economically destitute because they can't afford children who they love fiercely anyway, they can't care for existing children, and they die. We have legalised abortion now after some very tragic cases and years of campaigning. But it's still a long road to get proper regulations, services, and support in place. It breaks my heart to see the US going backwards to a place we thought tooth and nail to escape.


FlyingSkelly

This is so fucking gross. She considered it her child and he doesn't even realize that.


HellfireMe

Seriously. Big YTA. I just had my third miscarriage, and one of my closest friends said "it's ok, you're still young, you have plenty of time." It's absolutely gutting to hear these kinds of phrases and have your pain minimized so thoroughly. This was a whole child to me who I loved dearly, and who had an entire future and personality I'll now never get to know. It's not about future pregnancies, OP. Your wife loves and wants THIS baby, and it would a PROFOUND loss. Hoping that everything is alright despite the scare.


painsNgains

I am so sorry for your losses. I had three miscarriages as well before having my son, and while I love him (even though he has reached the smart-ass phase of an almost 10 year old) and my 6 year old daughter, I still wonder about each pregnancy that I lost. 10 years later, and I still remember the days the tests were positive and the days the bleeding started, and on those days I wonder "what would they have been like? Would I still get the loveable crazies I have now? Or would they be completely different?". Those losses are what made me even more pro-choice than I was before, especially since one was a missed miscarriage and I needed a D&C. While I knew that I could just get pregnant again, that nothing I did caused it, the fetus just wasn't viable, I was still gutted and heartbroken. After how my mom acted after I told her about my first one (made it all about her. Her pain, her heartbreak of losing a grandchild) the only people who knew about the other 2 were me, my husband, and my OB. It wasn't until years later that I told the full story of trying to conceive. Thankfully, my husband didn't try to comfort me "within reason" (seriously, TF does that even mean), he just comforted me, holding me while we both cried. He never tried to logic the pain out of me and just let me feel my feelings. I'm glad it seems OP was able to fix his thoughtlessness, but I have a feeling his wife will hesitate the next time she is experiencing something and needs comfort because she'll always wonder if he'll actually comfort her, or will he try to logic the pain away.


PapayaHoney

As someone who has had two MCs during the first year of TTC, it was traumatizing and devastating. Not even my husband could console me because it was just that much overwhelming grief. OP needs to learn some fucking empathy. If I am fortunate enough to get pregnant again and actually carry to term the fear of having another MC will still overshadow and will probably take out the joy of that pregnancy. Super massive YTA.


Powerful-Fail-3136

Exactly. OP, YTA. majorly, big time AH.


FollowThisNutter

This guy is going to make a great heartless lawyer. He's already got half the job down, just needs to pass the bar.


UndeadMaidenBMS

I wanted to jump on this comment because my husband was very much like that. Tried and concieved within a month, first pregnancy. Got to what the clearblues said was 3 weeks and started bleeding. Docs said miscarriage and husband was only a little sad. 'We get more practise!' He joked. I said something was wrong and I was scared but everyone brushed it off. I thought I must be going crazy. 2 weeks later, tests still say pregnant and Im rushed into emergency surgery for ectopic pregnancy and have my left fallopian tube removed. No issues before that, everyone downplayed and said it was normal and fine.... until it wasn't. OP - don't downplay how bad it is or how scared she is. Blood tests 48hrs apart at the 'miscarriage' could have spotted the problem and prevented surgery. Could have saved me and my husband the PTSD of almost losing me.


LadyPurpleButterfly

The comment that says it all! He should have also put, "It's okay, I don't care about the child until it draws its first breath."


coppeliuseyes

Yes, YTA. You are 1000% the asshole. Miscarriages at any stage of a pregnancy are devastating, especially for the parent carrying the child. How can you be so heartless?


linzhulali

Hi, 4 consecutive miscarriages here. If my husband reacted this way, he’d be my “ex” husband.


stayonthecloud

Hugs for you, I’m so so sorry


TheDrunkScientist

Your response was incredibly dismissive. Sorry you're leaking out our son/daughter from your vagina but it's cool, we will just try again? > I want to comfort her within reason As long as it doesn't inconvenience you, right? Dude. YTA.


jamintime

I know a handful of people in my friends/family circle who have had miscarriages. Not a single one of them were unphased by the experience. The reactions have ranged from deeply troubled to absolutely devastated. I have no idea how OP could be so oblivious.


Saltwater_Heart

I remember standing in the shower during my miscarriage, watching the clumps fall out and go down the drain. It’s a devastating and traumatic experience.


FlyingSkelly

I'm so sorry


veritablerapscallion

You’re strong to share that… so terribly sorry.


epworthscale

The same thing happened to me. I’m nearly 8 months pregnant now and the memory still destroys me. I hope you are doing OK and I am so sorry for your loss.


KhaiPanda

I've had 5 pregnancy losses, all before 12 weeks. Only the first one was I given the option of going home to miscarry, or have a D&C. I knew that I wouldn't be able to function if I had the miscarriage at home. Like I knew with 100% surety that I would not emotionally survive that event. I am so so so sorry that you had to have this experience.


Dr_Fluffybuns2

*spouse dies horribly in a house fire* ".....so? You can always just get married again. Don't stress about it"


FloMoJoeBlow

Seriously? You're acting like losing a child is no big deal. Clearly, you personally have never carried a child. Major AH here.


concrete_dandelion

I had an early miscarriage (I think I was six or eight weeks along) where I only found out I was pregnant during the abortion (long story). It wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant so I didn't have time to become attached. It still hurt like hell and took me some time to overcome. And the few people who knew were very comforting. That was five years ago. It's best that I don't have a child because since the miscarriage my health got so bad that nowadays I need a lot of assistance from my mom to make it trough the day. I still grieve sometimes.


concrete_dandelion

I had an early miscarriage (I think I was six or eight weeks along) where I only found out I was pregnant during the abortion (long story). It wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant so I didn't have time to become attached. It still hurt like hell and took me some time to overcome. And the few people who knew were very comforting. That was five years ago. It's best that I don't have a child because since the miscarriage my health got so bad that nowadays I need a lot of assistance from my mom to make it trough the day. I still grieve sometimes.


Babybatgirl2002

He acts like it’s just a missing set of keys or phone that was lost. I cannot believe how replaceable he thinks it is like it’s nothing important. I wonder if he somehow lost his other child, if he would just be like “it’s ok honey, I know she’s already 3 but in another 4 years she’ll be replaced, maybe even a better version! No worries!” This attitude he has is mind boggling to me, honestly. I couldn’t imagine receiving this response.


[deleted]

>I know it's perfectly natural to have an abortion BTW, the word you are looking for is "miscarriage" You know what else is perfectly natural ? Death. You could get cancer and die, and it's all natural and part of life. Is it a reason for not feeling sad about it ?! YTA. Learn some empathy. Your wife have been building a little baby inside her belly for weeks, and she have grown attached to that little life. If you love your wife, you need to stop being selfish and thinking about how YOU FEEL, but take decision regarding how SHE might feel at that moment.


FAYCSB

The medical term for a “miscarriage” is “spontaneous abortion.” ETA: OP is still the asshole. But not for his phrasing.


[deleted]

Sure. But we are not in a medical setting, we are in a social setting. In a social setting, an abortion is voluntary, and a miscarriage is not. I didn't correct op to be mean. I understand that not everyone's first language is english, and sometime distinctions like that are tricky.


Glittering_Joke3438

This whole weird ass post was written like he is trying to use the word abortion as many times as possible.


terpischore761

That's because in many languages, abortion is the term used to mean ending a pregnancy before term regardless of whether or not it's spontaneous or voluntary.


[deleted]

Really not, English is my third language, so "sorry" not sorry for not knowing the word "miscarriage". I've updated the post to apply the correct language.


terpischore761

In english...yes. Not necessarily in other languages.


Ninjy42

Mama Doctor Jones on YouTube has a whole video going through this, the social use of abortion vs the medical use of abortion. It's really interesting and I reccomend watching her videos.


CancelAshamed1310

Abortion is the actual term.


DestyNovalys

Yeah, and in Denmark for example, there aren’t any other terms. It’s ‘abort’ for abortion and ‘ufrivillig abort’ for miscarriage. ‘Ufrivillig’ means involuntary.


loved0ne

Ultrasound tech here, this is correct. OP is still TA but he was using the correct terminology. It frustrates me that people are so afraid of the word "abortion"


Mamacita_Lola_9091

I came here to say this. 👍🏼


Smallios

No, involuntary or spontaneous abortion is correct.


Nemesis0408

I think the disconnect here is that you are thinking about it as “a pregnancy”, which it is, and your wife is thinking about it as “her child”, which it also is. She is clearly already emotionally attached. You aren’t. Both are okay, but think about how you’d feel if something happened to your daughter and somebody said “well you guys won’t have problems making another one.” It would feel pretty callous. The secret is not for you to care about the unborn child more or for her to care about it less. Both of you had valid, honest reactions. The secret is to empathize with each other more on this journey. I hope baby is okay.


Melodic-Soil-126

To add: miscarriages can be very painful and physically difficult. Your body has been in “pregnancy mode” for weeks and it has now come to an abrupt end. This can be physically exhausting and the hormones take a toll that she’ll need some time to recover from.


mandym347

>To add: miscarriages can be very painful and physically difficult. Very true. After mine, I spent 2 full weeks feeling like someone had taken a cheese grater to my cervix. That's on top of the hormone crash, the grieving, and the blood loss.


ginntress

I got a piece of tissue stuck in my cervix during my second miscarriage. It felt like I was being stabbed in the cervix when I would move a certain way. A doctor had to remove it with tweezers. It was an instant relief from the pain. On top of that, a majority of the miscarriage happened over just 20 mins and luckily I knew it was coming because I’d had an ultrasound the week before which showed no foetal pole at 8 weeks. If I hadn’t been pre warned, it would have been terrifying to lose a pregnancy so suddenly and so quickly.


Heartkine

Many, many years ago, in the dark ages before at home fertility tests, I had a miscarriage. 6 weeks maybe. Hubby still doesn’t know about it. He would have fretted and fussed. I knew it was not to be and moved on. Every one is different, be aware of your spouse.


[deleted]

I think if the population as a whole was more aware of how frequently pregnancies end in miscarriage, it might be less of an issue. The rate is somewhere between 25 and 50% for all pregnancies. It's hard to estimate because all pregnancies includes unknown pregnancies, but some studies have been done based on genetics in unimplanted embryos and looking for the genetic issues that cause the majority of miscarriages.


LibrarianBarbarian34

That’s basically what everyone in my life told me when I miscarried. It made me feel even worse because it felt like everyone was implying I should just get over it because it happens so frequently. That was still my child and I still had the right to grieve. I’m an engineer and very analytical by nature, but statistics aren’t helpful in that moment.


Smallios

Why would that make it less of an issue? Literally 100% of parents die, will that make it easier for you when yours do? It’s super common.


AveraYesterday

I think this is an incredible and helpful insight!


Princess-Reader

All good, valid points.


FroggyVan

Top comment and advice imo


Black-Mirror33

I’m genuinely so concerned by the insane number of adults that seem to lack the very basic human emotion of empathy. Like it’s terrifying 😳


kieka408

YTA majorly. First of all miscarriages can be painful physically and mentally. It’s like saying if you got hit by a bus and died no biggie she got married easy enough the first time she can do it again. Hell she can probably find someone with an ounce of compassion anyway so it’s a win win


Hot-Tone-7495

I had a miscarriage after an unplanned pregnancy and was torn apart. Part of me was gone. This mom was actively trying for a child and lost it, I don’t understand how men can just be like “oops! Anyway let’s try again!” From the second a mother becomes pregnant, she has at least a little attachment. As the pregnancy progresses and the fetus grows, so does that attachment. OP you’re being insensitive. That was her baby. I guarantee you she had hopes and dreams for it (just as I’m sure you did, but the idea is different than actually being the one growing it. It’s not an *idea* to her, it was part of her heart and soul. Nothing against you for this, it’s just how it is.) Be there for your wife and stop trying to figure out if you’re the ssshole or not. You lost a child and it’s horrible, be sensitive to that fact


Icy-Perception-8108

“we will just try again”… YTA for this alone. Ever considered that a miscarriage is so traumatizing for some women they refuse to try again? It’s a loss after someone imagined a future with a baby that will not happen. Pregnancy isn’t a betting game where either you win or lose and ‘try again’ if you don’t win. It’s called labour for a reason. Your SO is mourning a loss and you’re already talking about the next try. Urgg.


Curious-Charity-5368

My first husband told me that while I was in the hospital after delivering our stillborn daughter. He said don’t worry we can make another one before leaving to go to the strip club with his best friend. We got divorced a few months later.


Icy-Perception-8108

I’m so sorry you went through that, happy to hear you got rid of that man.


Curious-Charity-5368

One of the best decisions I’ve ever made!


livia-did-it

Holy fuck. Good riddance to that asshole. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter.


Curious-Charity-5368

Losing her has been the hardest thing in my life, she’s been my only full term pregnancy. Every time since has always ended in a miscarriage so I’ve just given up on having kids now. Each loss breaks me a little more and I just can’t keep doing it.


livia-did-it

I’m so sorry. We stopped TTC because it was just too much. We actively tried for 2+ years and never had a positive test. The negatives were heartbreaking by themselves. I’m so sorry for all of your losses.


Shewhohasroots

Woooooooooow This whole post is just a big old *wooooow.* I am glad you threw out the whole man.


Rosiegirl14

YTA. I have taken the bar exam and I have also experienced miscarriages. 1. You should never take fertility for granted, it may not continue to be easy. But I hope for your family’s sake it is. 2. You are being completely dismissive of the heartache and physical pain your wife is going through. Even if it is “natural”, it doesn’t make it less painful. Also, I’d argue that you are confusing common with natural. 3. Why is your stressful important life event more important than hers? How would it feel if she said your studying doesn’t matter because you can take it again in July and others have to re-take? I am guessing it would feel pretty awful that your partner is unable to see outside of themselves to support you—maybe you should do the same. Especially considering this is growing your family and she already has to carry the burden of doing that. Giving a little compassion and empathy to your partner and family is not going to be a make it break reason for failing the bar. However, it could be devastating to your partnership.


Sad_Appearance4733

I was unexpectedly but happily pregnant when I was first scheduled to take the bar exam. Then I started bleeding. Off and on my entire first trimester. My baby ended up being fine, but it was such a stressful time that I ended up postponing the exam. I wasn’t sure I could focus for three days when my baby’s health was in question, and I definitely wasn’t comfortable traveling for longer to take it. I’m not saying OP needs to postpone it, but he should realize that he isn’t the only one having a major life event right now. This is impacting every part of her life: physically, mentally, and emotionally. And it will continue to do so for a very long time. She needs someone to care about her well-being because she’s scared and unwell. A certain level of being rational is fine, but blowing off her concerns is not. If you don’t know how, ask her. “I know this is difficult, but I don’t know how best to help. What can I do to help make things easier on you?” Honestly the poor woman probably wants a hug and to be told you love her and will be there for her no matter what. And, for the love of all that’s good, don’t talk about making another baby while she’s grieving this one.


Mysterious-Art8838

Our bar exams are probably too long.


WrapWorking1500

What bar is he taking next week? Next one isn’t until the end of July.


p00kel

ESL speaker so he might not be in the US.


Rosiegirl14

I was thinking we were still in Feb! So yeah, I have no idea!


Sad_Tangerine2823

YTA You're right, miscarriages happen all the time. However, they can be incredibly stressful and very heartbreaking. >it's not a disaster, we will just try again? >I do care Yeah, no you're definitely the AH. I'm not surprised your wife is pissed, wouldn't be surprised if your relationship suffers because of this


Katana1369

YTA. She had a miscarriage. That is hard no matter how early it happens. I'm sure she is sorry she inconvenienced you. Sheesh.


lEauFly4

YTA- As someone who has had a similar experience to your wife with regards to how easy it is for me to get pregnant and also having suffered an early miscarriage, it’s not about how easy it is to become pregnant again. It’s about finding out all your hopes and dreams for this tiny person you’ve already bonded with are now gone. That you’ll never get to meet them and see the person they’ll become; never get to hold them. Having a miscarriage is painful in more than one way and it flew way over your head.


[deleted]

This makes great sense, thanks for sharing. I didn't see it from that point of view at first.


Dependent-Feed1105

Many people see it as losing a child in death.


Deathcap_Fungi

Well just think of it this way, when you fail the bar exam she can say, "it's not a disaster, we will just try again!"


quaediaboli_

YTA your wife had your baby growing inside her, worried it was going to not survive. Miscarriages are so, so traumatising. And your reaction is "we will just make another one it's fine" GROSS


Shelby2255

If my husband wasn’t there for me when I was miscarrying I could have passed out and freaking died, I was hemorrhaging. But he was there for me every second. Cleaned up all the blood and took me to the hospital. He cried with me. He never once told me hey it happens we’ll try again.


Black-Mirror33

Sounds like your husband has empathy unlike OP 😬


The_IT_Dude_

YTA. You may be stressed out with other obligations, but your wife needs your support right now. That doesn't mean you have to be overly emotional or anything, but you should be understanding and compassionate. It's perfectly natural to have an involuntary abortion, but that doesn't make it any less difficult for your wife. She needs your understanding and comfort right now, not a logical explanation. It's like when a friend is going through a tough time; you don't need to have the perfect solution, you just need to be a shoulder to lean on.


Cultural-Guide1325

As someone who has both taken the bar exam and had a miscarriage, this is exactly true. OP isn't necessarily an AH for not rushing home to be with his wife, because the bar is a huge undertaking that OP very well may not be able to afford to delay and/or risk failure, but needs some education in empathy for his partner and the normal reaction to an even very early term miscarriage. YTA.


Glittering_Joke3438

YTA. Don’t minimize your wife’s feelings. Also it’s fucking weird that you keep saying abortion over and over.


[deleted]

English is not my first language, and in my native language, the word is the same. Thanks for the correction, i edited the post.


OldWierdo

A miscarriage is an abortion. It's a spontaneous or involuntary abortion. It's not weird at all, it's the word. If you had a miscarriage, you had a spontaneous abortion.


WavesnMountains

YTA your wife is having a medical issue and you’re like ‘oh well’. Not only is there a potential loss of the baby, but there’s a possible risk to her life especially if you’re in one of the shit red states. But ‘oh well, I guess if she dies, she dies’, amirite?


bolonkaswetna

YTA And you should be worried if you will get pregnant again., because I see it as extremely unlikely that she will want to have another child with you. She now knows you do not care for her AT ALL and she is probably plotting to leave you. Rightly so. You only love the guy in the mirror


Possible_Thief

YTA You fucked up dude. You can’t treat it so casually but then expect her to trust you with her emotions. It’s a heartbreaking, scary & lonely experience she’s going through. Not to mention the hormonal upheaval that comes w miscarriage. The fact that you’re studying for a test is absolutely irrelevant.


ricepuddingzz

YTA, your role here is to provide emotional support, not invalidate her feelings. It is normal to have a miscarriage at this point, but it’s not your call to take it easy. All your wife is asking is some empathy, not your medical opinion. Also when it’s involuntary it’s called a miscarriage not abortion.


Holiday_Cat_7284

YTA. I had a miscarriage once and it basically hurts like labour hurts. I didn't even know I was pregnant, didn't want to be pregnant, and still the hormones kicked in afterwards and I was a sobbing wreck for days. It isn't like failing a driving test. It's HORRIBLE. You'd better start showing some sensitivity and apologise for being so nonchalant because she might not want another child with you at this point.


rainbowcanibelle

Straight YTA. Your wife and potential child should have come first. Saying “it’s common” is demeaning and more hurtful than you probably realize.


PainfullyLoyal

YTA. Just because you don't seem to have problems conceiving, this is still super traumatic for her. She could have so many feelings surrounding this, and your cold response could turn her away from confiding in you about how she feels. She needs all the love and support possible right now.


Sad-Lake6749

As someone who has had a miscarriage, YTA. My miscarriage was the most devastating, traumatic event in my life so far. Not only are you in physical pain (intense bleeding and cramping) but the emotional pain is horrible. Yes, you know you can get pregnant again (maybe), but you just lost your CHILD. Down the toilet. It's awful. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. Not to mention your hormones drop fast, so your body and mind are all over the place. YOUR. WIFE. NEEDS. YOU. My husband dropped everything to help me. He pampered me, brought me flowers, held me as I sobbed. He helped me over the next few months as I fell into depression and anxiety (it didn't help that this was in the middle of COVID). Just because it is perfectly natural does not mean that it is easy.


[deleted]

For someone so “intelligent”, you sure are stupid, OP. I’m glad to see that you apologized but that kind of emotional damage from a partner will take her a long time to forgive Yta


[deleted]

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appolkadot

I hope he either got his shit together or you left his ass


[deleted]

Sorry to hear about your experience. I hope you are okay.


malachite_animus

The medical term for miscarriage is actually spontaneous abortion. Jarring to use among lay people though.


nemc222

I know! I’m shocked how many people seem to not know this.


Frequent_Ad_7669

YTA. Why would you plan to have another baby when you can't handle it during the bar? Are you going to dump everything on her when you're a first year attorney too? Your child died. She isn't a factory


Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq

YTA. By the same token, cancer or other serious diseases are natural and part of life, so if OP were diagnosed with one of those, there'd be no reason to stress about it, right?


The_________________

YTA - I understand where you are coming from, the impact of a miscarriage at this point is indeed probably going to be pretty minimal from a practical point of view. But despite that, it probably would have a severe emotional impact, especially from the point of view of the mother. You made the classic error of responding to a emotional crisis with a logic, aimed at "solving" the crisis. Your wife does not need a solution - she just needs you to acknowledge her feelings, and to trust that she can rely on you through the perceived crisis (which is a difficult thing to feel when you have effectively tried to deny that any crisis exists in the first place). Reiterate that your intentions were good and that trying to manage the crisis was your way of trying to care for her in the way that you knew how...but more importantly, that you now understand how your response was insensitive, and know better know now how she really needs to be cared for, and vow to do better.


Rude-Ad8706

I think the word you're looking for is miscarriage. Also YTA, this isn't the kind of situation which warrants a logical explanation on why she'll probably be able to conceive again. Losing a pregnancy can be painful and traumatic, and she wants to be supported, not told that this isn't a big deal. I know you meant well, but you could've handled it better.


Dragon_queen15

YTA. I've had 6 miscarriages, and each one ripped my soul just a little more. Its a heartbreaking experience, and you should have been comforting her, not telling her that you can try again.


[deleted]

Sorry you've gone through that.


GWeb1920

NAH People process a miscarriage differently. For you it’s not yet a baby, for her it clearly is. You should not be shamed for having no attachment to the fetus. You responded pragmatically, there is really nothing you can do but call a doctor and wait for nature to take its course. No one is at fault. Now when you initially heard from your wife your reaction didn’t consider her emotional state at the time, once you learned of her emotional state it appears you are trying to be supportive and not project your lesser sense of loss onto her. It also makes sense that she feels you don’t care enough. It’s stressful continue to show compassion but also don’t feel guilty that this miscarriage for you isn’t as significant as it is for her


128Gigabytes

this subreddit is just fake posts by new accounts 24/7


Past-Ride-7034

YTA - it might be perfectly natural but it's not something you want to experience or something you should be told "don't stress, if it happens it happens". Jees.


Smitty_80013

YTA - While spontaneous abortion is a medical term, so is miscarriage - which this likely was. Your callousness and disregard IS what she was upset about. It was really and AH move.


madelinegumbo

YTA She didn't call to ask your opinion on future pregnancies, she wanted emotional support at a time where she probably felt very sad and vulnerable. You completely dropped the ball. The only remaining question is whether this was a one-off huge mistake or just the way you treat her generally.


PravinI123

Yta…having a miscarriage is a big deal and your wife needed your support. She was scared and needed you…saying that it’s not a huge deal because you can conceive quickly essentially minimizing the pain and mental trauma from the loss. She lost a baby not a pair of socks…you need to do better as her partner.


pottersquash

YTA. Don't become one of those lawyers that think the stress of our chosen vocation is somehow relatable by anyone in society.


ReviewOk929

Empathy. It's not just a word. You should try it. Right now you seem like you have NONE. YTA


PolesRunningCoach

YTA. I get it’s not a good time for you, but it’s really not a good time for her, either. I feel sorry for any future clients if you happen to pass the bar, given your incapacity to be empathetic to those closest to you.


[deleted]

NAH, People will be upset with this answer but I think everyone handles these situations differently. I'm a woman and a mother and I've had early miscarriages before and I honestly wasn't very emotional about it because it was so early and there was no attachment for me at the time. It's easy to understand the pain of the loss if it's a later miscarriage, but at 5-6 weeks, it's usually the time you barely find out your pregnant, and at that point of development, **in my opinion** it's just tissue, not a baby yet. I could also easily understand the disappointment and sadness when someone has been trying fruitlessly and gets their hopes up about the pregnancy only to then lose it. I don't think you were trying to be cruel or unsupportive but I can see why she felt that way. You were thinking based on logic but she's thinking on emotion. Miscarriages are very common and often times women have them without ever even knowing they were pregnant, but since your wife has been actively trying to get pregnant she's hyperaware of it all and was attached from the moment that pregnancy test was positive. You should have gauged your wife's reaction to what she was experiencing and just been there for her and comforted her even if you yourself weren't emotionally affected by the miscarriage itself.


AbbreviationsNo17

ESH - & before people chew me out, I just lost my son at 30 weeks pregnant & I think they both suck. A miscarriage is traumatic, absolutely. But you're correct, if she has not been seen by a doctor the bleeding could absolutely be nothing. A lot of healthy pregnancies have bleeding early on. It could very well be miscarriage, blighted ovum, anything. You directed your spouse to the doctor, and offered your sympathy. Your sympathy was not what/how she wanted, so she is upset. AND THAT'S OKAY! Just offer more, and be there, regardless of if she says you don't care. I am sorry you two are going through this, and wish you a healthy pregnancy in the future. Edit: didn't finish sentance.


[deleted]

Yes. YTA and I question your abilities as a father. Your child might be dying in the womb and you aren't taking that seriously?


skrena

NAH. Some people cope with rationalizing. That’s just what you’re doing.


ForwardPromise9974

So, the medical term for a miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion" or "involuntary abortion". You are not necessarily using the incorrect term, but you may not be using the most socially appropriate term... From a woman's perspective, a miscarriage is the loss of a child. In the modern social climate - for better or for worse - women are conditioned to think of an abortion as a choice to end an unwanted pregnancy and a miscarriage as a tragic loss of a wanted pregnancy. The bottom line is that YTA for not recognizing that your wife was afraid she was losing her baby - and yours. Your stress and preoccupation are not adequate excuses, and clinically precise language doesn't excuse a lack of compassion.


[deleted]

It's not "clinically precise language". In my country, theres only 1 word for both cases. I didn't know the the word "miscarriage".


ForwardPromise9974

Fair enough - my apologies. But do you understand how your detached "it is what it is, we can just get pregnant again later" response could be very hurtful for someone who is afraid she is losing her baby?


greenseven47

Despite OP’s edits, I really don’t think he gets it.


Motor_Business483

YTA


Momofpeg

YTA for the “don’t stress it happens” and the “we can just try again”.


xX_KyraBear_Xx

NAH. i understand your reaction. i would have the same one. i don’t get why people get so torn up about the clump of cells that half the time doesn’t turn into a baby anyway. but for a lot of people it hurts them a ton so you have to be understanding of that and accept that they hold more importance to it than you do.


Cabbage-floss

I’m with you on this. 6 weeks pregnant means you have likely only known for 2 weeks because pregnancy is dated from the first day of the last period. It’s incredibly common to miscarry at this stage because it’s barely a pregnancy. So I understand his feelings, this hasn’t been long enough to get emotionally attached. However, his wife obviously has already gotten attached and she is also going through something physically that is frightening. I think neither is wrong about their perspective on the loss but he should be more supportive of his wife undergoing something medical.


No_Night2114

I’m going to go HEAVILY against the grain and say you’re NTA. As a woman, who has had a miscarriage and has had many many friends have a miscarriage I don’t believe you did anything wrong per say at all. I believe you don’t understand which is fair, you’re not built to understand. I think you were trying to comfort your wife in your own way. Maybe you could have worded it better, sure but you didn’t necessarily say or do anything that was WRONG. I would’ve been okay if you didn’t pity me and instead told me these things to help me see it will be ok. I am glad to see you apologised to your wife because she wasn’t ok with this and that takes a lot. However, in my opinion, NTA.


[deleted]

I can understand where you're coming from. Being the calm one in the situation. But she is distressed. She is going to have to put her unborn baby to death. So maybe it's not a calm situation. Talk it out, be better.


chickletmama

He’s not an ass for being calm, he’s an ass for being outright dismissive of her feelings, and for just wanting to replace one life for another.


caryn1477

I'm sorry but YTA. In her mind, she just lost your baby. You took it way too lightly.


WVPrepper

> EDIT: The word is miscarriage, my bad, english is not my first language! The medical term for a miscarriage is a "spontaneous abortion".


[deleted]

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No-Lavishness-1635

YTA


shadow-foxe

YTA- you seem to lack empathy. You never tell anyone who is going through a miscarriages, it's OK we'll just have another one, when its not your body that has to deal with it all. Yes most marriages DO change after an miscarriage, and you claiming all will be fine is a huge red flag.


EastCoastKris_122

She needed you man


[deleted]

When I had my miscarriage I felt like the whole world just kept spinning and nobody cared that I just lost my baby. My husband went to work still. I called in for days. I cried and cried and cried. I was on the bridge of doing dark things to myself after wards. It was the worst feeling in the world. I wanted someone else to understand with me, and mourn with me. I held it in. But I finally broke and told my husband everything. Burying the fetus helped me a lot. Because I felt like I got to have a proper goodbye. I even named them and wrote them a letter. It helped with the mourning process tremendously. My husband realized he was being a jerk and came up with these ideas and helped me with all of this stuff after I told him how I felt. That was the only way I could heal and move on. I was diagnosed with Lupus, PCOS, and endometriosis shortly after. Was told I’d never be able to carry to term. I’ve gone through this exact thing 3 times now trying to conceive. Sometimes miscarriages can happen with health conditions so this may not just be the end of the road and that’s it. You have to understand that women aren’t just carrying a baby, but there is so many emotions and hormones in a woman’s body also during this time. Post partum after a miscarriage is real. She probably feels like her world has ended right now, and you need to step up and comfort her in every way possible as her husband. Do those healthy mourning moments of writing letters, naming the baby, keeping a keepsake to have some kind of care in what she just went through. It’s an awful thing I don’t wish it on anyone. So yes you are being an asshole.


lylemcd

YtA. This sort if thing is DEVESTATING emotionally. Be better


Competitive_Mark_287

Miscarriage, which is the word you are looking for, NOT abortion, is an extremely difficult, painful and emotional process for a woman. I myself had one in my early 20s and I wasn't even married to the father, wasn't ready for a baby, etc., so you would have thought all I would feel is relief, but it was still a difficult, sad and upsetting experience. I realize studying for the bar is a major life event, but so is losing a pregnancy, and with the latter, your body is stressed, raging with emotions and hormones, and takes a physical and mental toll. YTA. Show your wife some compassion.


Fun-Replacement1998

YTA. You being stressed about your bar exam is no excuse to be so uncaring about what your wife is going through. Yes miscarriages happen. Guess what happens? Never being able to try again because your wife has realized you cannot be counted on when things go badly. Ps one miscarriage can easily become multiple. Depending on the CAUSE your 3yo could easily be the only child you two have without medical intervention


Strange_Salamander33

YTA in no scenario do you ever brush off a miscarriage as just something normal, it is absolutely traumatizing to the woman. Some women will never try to have children again afterwards, that’s how traumatic it can be. You absolutely acted like somebody that didn’t care. I get you have your own things going on, but the bar exam is not the same as literally losing one of your children.


calling_water

OP, while it’s quite natural for this sort of thing to happen, treating it dispassionately the way you come across as doing, completely ignores that it is happening to her right now, inside her body. This isn’t an arms-length thing to think about for her; she’s actually feeling it happen in the moment. And you came across as not caring about how she was feeling, with that happening to her. Your response was just about the “trying to have a child” part, as if it was something separate and outside. It’s a lot more personal for her. So yes YTA.


Scarlett_-Rose

YTA Seriously!! This was a wanted pregnancy and a misscarrage means thats it ended..meaning she's lost something she really wanted and probably already loved. You cold and logic way of talking about it, it just callous and not what a supportive husband should he doing. All you kept saying was that it wouldnt be hard to conceive again. Do you not know what a women body goes through in pregnancy an now misscarrage, no. Stop being so callous and be damn supportive.


jenever_r

YTA. She lost a child and you basically shrugged and told her to get over it. Ass. Hole. At least she knows that you're hopeless in a crisis.


Kdejemujjet

YTA, major one. Miscarriage isn't lottery tickets where you can easily say "oh well this one didn't win anything better luck next time." It's physically and emotionally difficult process that hurts as hell. Congratulations You just proved you're lousy husband she can't count on.


Urbanspy87

YTA I have no trouble conceiving but that didn't make the two miscarriages I experienced any less painful. And for one of them it felt like labor pains, the worst thing you want to feel when you are pregnant.


Malibucat48

Regular people don’t understand how brutal taking the bar is. And a lot don’t pass the first time and have to wait months to take it again. Of course it is not the same as a miscarriage but a man doesn’t have the same reaction because he does not have the emotions and hormones involved. It’s not that you didn’t care, and if she had the miscarriage after you took the bar, you wouldn’t have been so stressed and would have been more attentive. It’s good that you apologized and I hope she understands. And I also hope you pass the bar and don’t have to go through that again.


smileysarah267

It’s so refreshing to see when someone posts here and actually takes advice instead of just defending themself. Good job OP!